How To Get Your Ex Back PERMANENTLY - 5 Step Plan (With 7 Case Studies) | Ex Back Permanently

Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.

I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.

Why should you trust me or the advice on this page?

Because I have over 13 years of experience as a breakup coach. And at Ex Back Permanently, we conducted the largest study on getting an ex back and keeping them. We strive to keep all the information accurate and helpful. Read more about me, this website and our editorial policy over here.

The first question that most of our readers have on their mind is..

Can I Get My Ex Back?

In my 13 years of experience, I have seen thousands of people reunite with their ex partners. I have seen my readers and clients get back with their ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, ex wives, ex husbands and ex fiancés. I have seen this plan work for straight and gay relationships alike. I have had clients who reconciled with their ex in all age groups – from 18 year olds to people in their 20s, 40s, 60s and even in their 70s.

But I have also seen people try their best and fail. I have also seen people realize that they don’t want their ex back after a few months of the breakup.

So yes, you can get your ex back. Almost anyone can. But like I said before, there are no guarantees. You should taper your expectations and be realistic because not everyone gets their ex back.

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning her back.

How Can I Get My Ex Back and Keep Them?

The best way to get an ex back is to first let the breakup happen and then organically rebuild a new relationship. When the breakup happens, accept it and don’t try to hold on to your ex. Give them space and time. While you are apart, focus on self-growth, self-care and self-improvement. And then eventually re-establish contact with them to rebuild something new.

The key is to build something new, on a stronger foundation based on trust, communication, respect and love. That’s the only way you can be sure you and your ex will stay together for good.

This whole process can take a while. For most people, it can take from one to six months. But people who follow this through and get back together find their new relationship to be stronger and healthier than it was before.

The process can be filled with doubts, uncertainty and confusion. This is why I have divided this article in 5 major steps. This way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together and make you feel miserable.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again.

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. It also includes case studies that you can read by clicking on them. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Misguided Instincts)

I call this part “The Misguided Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following what they think is their instincts. But instead, it’s their panicked mind and the fear of losing their ex.

Most of the advice in this article feels counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your think your instincts are telling you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat begging — Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

You will want to believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.

If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he will want me back because he cares about me.

Once I get him back, I can show him how we are both great together.

Again, your misguided instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Relationships that are not built on love and respect inevitable end up in a bad breakup. And that’s exactly what will happen if your ex gets back with you out of pity.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Maybe they will use you for a while. Maybe they will have fun having someone around who lives and dies for them. But eventually, they will realize they need a relationship, not a doormat.

According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into hard panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

And in most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship.

(Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Conflicts should not always lead to fights, anger or name-calling. I highly recommend that you try to learn healthy communications. Read books on communication, get therapy if needed. If you feel lost or confused and need help figuring out what to do next, consider getting relationship coaching.

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors (because of all the shouting) and was ashamed of herself and her partner.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other, they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

“Will my ex come back?”
“Is my ex missing me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What can I do to get him back instantly?”
“Will she start dating someone already?”
“She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
“My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking.

In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process. The authors of the study state “A debilitating aspect of anxiety is its impact on decision making and flexible control of behavior.”

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back. Although, you should try to spend quality time with your friends and family as that is an important part of healing from the breakup.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message after no contact. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling
No Texting
No Emails
No Online Contact Of Any Kind (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook Whatsapp, Snapchat, Telegram etc.)
No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason No. 1: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason No. 2: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

If you were with your ex for a considerable amount of time, you may have developed an identity that is you being part of a couple. Once you start no contact, you may feel uncomfortable, anxious or have a sense of emptiness being by yourself. You may feel like you have lost your identity, like a part of you is missing.

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship, this feeling is usually associated with the desire of getting an ex back and is more common amongst anxiously attached individuals. That means if you were anxious in your relationship with your ex, you are more likely to feel incomplete after the breakup and that getting them back will make you whole again.

However, getting them back just because you feel incomplete is not a healthy decision. Instead, use this time to learn to love yourself, understand your anxiety, learn to manage it on your own and learn to be whole again without being in a relationship.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

Reason No. 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on Social Media can be a significant source of distress to individuals.

And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read our detailed article on the no contact rule.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. According to psychologist Samantha Rodman on Huffpost, if your ex is texting you, the likeliest possibility is they are reflecting on the relationship and maybe even missing you. But if you engage with your ex via text, it may cause some emotional backsliding and even stunt some of the healing process.

Remember your aim during the no contact rule is to heal and become someone your ex would love to get back with. And if you engage with your ex every time they text you, you are just distracting yourself.

Recommended Reading: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during no contact?

What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?

What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

They might start contacting you every day.
They might get angry.
They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

Here’s how you can do that.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex — Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.

Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

Controlling Nature
Extreme Jealousy
Insecurity
Lack of Passion
Low Self-Esteem
Lack of Personal Hygiene
Lack of Motivation in Life
Lack of Communication Skills
Lack of Social Skills
Inability to Trust
Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them.

Dr. Judith Kuriansky, PhD told BBC that commonly exes get back together because they “feel like they’ve grown and matured.”

If your ex feels like you have grown as a person and are more emotionally mature, there is a good chance they will think about getting back together.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love my ex.

I can’t live without my ex.

I am miserable without my ex.

He/She was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship — Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

Let’s explore some of the common issues that

You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you, he may be avoidant or he may have deep commitment issues.
You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)

In some cases, you will realize that it’s not possible to fix what was broken, and that will help you move on from the breakup.

Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

Update: Therapy helped Margarete and she got her ex back in a healthy relationship. She had a serious conversation with him about the issues in the relationship. And it motivated her ex to work on his issues as well. I teach how to have such conversation with an ex in EBP Advanced.

STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex — “You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
You and your ex should talk and meet each other.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking it. And they can always tell if you are faking the confidence.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
You have made a few positive changes in your life.
You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.

If you want to see some sample messages, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

Texting Your Ex To Rebuild Attraction and Lead to a Meetup

Once you have re-established contact with your ex, you can start texting each other like you would text someone you are interested in dating. Except this time, you both already know each other so things will be a bit different.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex — It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you really need to have a serious conversation over text, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule No. 1: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)”

Texting Rule No. 2: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule No. 3: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. And since you have a LOT of experience traveling there, I thought I’ll ask you. Do you have any recommendation for some fun activities we can do? I am thinking about Zip-lining but I am not sure if it will be worth it since we only have the weekend. ”

There are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be honest. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Maggi’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Maggi kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Maggi felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Maggi found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Maggi because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Maggi eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Maggi was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Maggi decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

Be on The Lookout For Tests

In an ideal world, we would all just be honest with each other, trust each other and say what’s on our mind.

But the world is not ideal. And people put each other through subtle tests to understand their intentions and the truth.

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more importnt than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much that sentence affected her.

“You shouldn’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

Although, it wasn’t the worst thing to happen to her. After the meetup, she focused on moving on and fully accepted the breakup. It took her a while but she got completely over her ex within three months.

Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should be respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

When and How To Talk About Getting Back Together?

You and your ex should ideally both be interested in the idea of getting back together before you talk about it. As you both spend more time together, their will be times where you both will naturally speak about it. When you do, try to be honest, clear and confident. Don’t be needy or insecure about it. Remember, you only want them back if you both can have a healthy long term relationship. If that’s not possible, then you should be willing to walk away from them.

Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

What Are The Chances of Getting An Ex Back?

According to our study, around 30% of couples reunite after breaking up. But only 15% of the total participants stayed together after reconciliation.

But there are a lot of factors that go into this. Things like age of the couple, how strong their connection was, reason for the breakup, how they react after the breakup and whether or not they can fix what was broken.

We’ve designed a quiz to help you figure out your chances of getting back together. Click here to take it.

What Is The Fastest Way To Get Your Ex Back?

The fastest way to get your ex back is to give them space, focus on self-improvement and reach out to them with confidence. In other words, follow the advice in the above article. The faster you heal from the breakup, stop panicking and become a better version of yourself, the faster you can get them back.

I have seen clients get back with their ex within weeks. But most of the time, it takes 1-6 months. For a rare few, it took more than a year to get back in a healthy relationship.

And again, the thing you should focus on shouldn’t be how fast you can get them back. Instead, you should focus on getting them back in a healthy relationship. It’s not the speed that matters here, it’s the quality of the relationship when you get back together.

The reason most people want their ex back fast is because they are afraid of losing them. They are afraid their ex will move on if they don’t act fast. And that’s not really something you can control. In fact, most people, in an attempt to win their ex back fast, end up pushing their ex further away.

Is there a way to ensure my ex doesn’t move on?

Unfortunately, there’s no way to stop your ex from moving on or getting over you. You can’t control what another human being wants to do.

The only thing you can do is give them space and focus on things you can control. Following the above plan increases your chances of getting them back. And it works even if your ex moves on.

My best advice is to not be so scared of your ex moving on or getting over you. I have seen a lot of couples move on to other relationships only to find themselves back with each other after a few months or a few years. If your connection is truly special and if you follow the above plan, you will most likely get back together.

If I Give My Ex Space, Will They Come Back?

A lot of exes do tend to come back when you give them space. But there is no guarantee. Moreover, just because they come back does not necessarily mean the rekindled relationship will be a healthy one. If they left once, they may leave again unless you fix the issues that lead to the breakup.

Instead of hoping they will come back, I want you to realize that you can do things to either get them back or move on from them. You can take control of what happens in your life rather than just hope and wait for your ex to come back to you. Following the advice in the above article will help you do exactly that.

Recommended Reading: 9 Signs Your Ex Will Come Back

Does The No Contact Rule Help In Getting An Ex Back?

The no contact rule helps in the process, but it can’t fix the issues that lead to the breakup. Only you can do that. In our study, we found that people who got back together and stay together credited “Self-Improvement” as the main reason for their success. The No Contact Rule was a close second.

Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule Explained

Recommended Reading: What To Do After The No Contact Rule

It’s Been a While Since The Breakup. I Still Love My Ex After Months/Years. What Should I Do?

If it’s been a while since the breakup, and you still have strong feelings for your ex, it could be because of the following reasons.

You have not made an attempt to heal from the breakup.
You have not processed what happened in a healthy way.
You have low self-esteem and you find it hard to rediscover your identity after the breakup.
The connection you had with your ex was truly special to you. Your ex was truly special for you. And it’s hard to find that connection again.

Regardless of the reason, you should try your best to heal form the breakup and move on from them. If you feel your connection was special, it may even be a good idea to reach out to them and test the waters. The following resources should help.

Recommended Reading: How To Get Your Ex Back After a Year or More

I Think My Ex Still Loves Me. What Should I Do To Get Back Together?

If you are pretty sure that your ex has strong feelings for you, then you should still give each other some time apart to think things through. Follow the above plan but keep the no contact period relatively short. Maybe about three weeks. You can also choose to stay in touch with your ex as long as you are both working on self-improvement and self-growth.

Ultimately, you both need to grow individually before you can get back together.

Is There a Way To Support Me Through This Process?

Yes, we offer a free email course that will help you through each stage of this 5 step process. Our readers say that the email series feels like a lifeline to them after a tough breakup. It helps you heal, reminds you to focus on the right things and gives you some (more) advanced tips to get your ex back.

To subscribe, you need to take a quiz. Click the button below to take the quiz.

Click Here To Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

Consider Getting Therapy, Joining a Support Group Or Breakup Coaching

In addition, a great way to support you through this journey is by getting help from a mental health professional. Particularly, someone who is an expert in breakups. A good therapist can help a lot in processing what happened and finding a way to move forward. An experienced breakup coach can also help with the breakup and figuring out the best way to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.

If the idea of therapy does not sound good to you, you can also look into joining a breakup support group in your area. Speaking to others going through the same thing can be very helpful.

References:

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (1994). Gender and working models of attachment: Consequences for perceptions of self and romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00055.x

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours

Park, J., Wood, J., Bondi, C., Del Arco, A., and Moghaddam, B. (2016). Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci 36, 3322–3335. https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/11/3322

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/reasons-ex-texting-after-breakup_l_5ce3360ce4b0e69c18f06b02

Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540

Cope MA, Mattingly BA. Putting me back together by getting back together: Post-dissolution self-concept confusion predicts rekindling desire among anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):384-392. doi:10.1177/0265407520962849

Kupeli, N., Schmidt, U. H., Campbell, I. C., Chilcot, J., Roberts, C. J., & Troop, N. A. (2018). The impact of an emotionally expressive writing intervention on eating pathology in female students. Health psychology and behavioral medicine, 6(1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2018.1491797

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-therapy

Larson GM, Sbarra DA. Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):399-406. doi:10.1177/1948550614563085

About Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson is a breakup expert and coach with more than 11 years of experience of helping people recover from a breakup and get back in a healthy relationship.

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579 comments ...add one

Shiloh 4 years ago
This article brought me a lot of peace *today* that I haven’t had in a while. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason but this reason right now cannot be understood in my brain no matter how intelligent I am.. a bit of personal information that I’m confused on if this will for me is because my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up and he moved to a different state to “work on himself” and he had full intentions of getting back with me. Once he was gone I laid around sad/upset and depressed for 3 weeks.. at the end of the third week I convinced myself that i needed to bandaid my sadness some how. Since we are broken up.. I made the decision to sleep with someone else to try to cover the sadness.. my ex asked me the following day if I had slept with anyone and I was honest and said yes. He then decided there was no way he could work to be with me because that was the straw that broke the camels back even though we were not in a relationship. He immediately started messaging a girl two days after I told him what I did, when I found out I acted absolutely insanely crazy like you warned not to do. But I ended up apologizing and he said he forgives me and wishes nothing but the best for me. Within these next 30 days I’m going to apply the no contact (it’s only been two weeks since he’s ended things and found attention in this other girl) but he will be back home in the same state for thanksgiving and already admitted to me he planned to see her. Could this plan still work even if he’s only been texting her and didn’t actually have the time to hangout with her like he plans in his head to. Should I wait longer even if I feel better myself? Should I allow the time for him to possibly see/hangout with her to see if that’s what he really wants (even though It is a perfect case of the ‘rebound relationship)
jep 4 years ago
my ex brokeup with a week ago. but we're still talking to each other, because of the reason she is depressed (caused by me) and told her I would still be here for her if she needs someone to talked to until she recovered, she agreed and told me to let go already after she's okay. She told she still loves me but she cant continue this toxic relationship anymore. I know I have so much things to change to win her back. Please advise if this is okay or should I start no contact already. Thanks
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  Hey Jep,
  
  You should look into the brief no contact rule I talk about in this article.
G 4 years ago
Hi! I just purchased your advanced course and am working through it. I was wondering if you have any advice specific to the pandemic though? With people social distancing, meeting up casually in person a few times before bringing up getting back together is much more difficult and seems unlikely. (Not to mention it feels harder to re-attract someone if you meet up wearing a mask, and things like new haircuts are out of the question.) In this case, should you have most conversations over the phone and then use any in-person contact you do have to try and get back together?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 4 years ago
  Unfortunately, this pandemic has been quite unprecedented for everyone (experts included) and due to the fairly limited reference/experience we have on the matter, it is a little hard for us to give contextual advice that we're confident enough would still work in spite of the current situation (and all the inconveniences it has brought about). My personal opinion though, would be to stick to platforms that you're comfortable with when you attempt to reconnect with your ex and if you think it'll be harder to create attraction face to face - then start off with texts/calls until the connection has already been established enough.
Cherie 4 years ago
Im gonna make this simple and short. Its been 3 days since he broke up with me, and I am in the mindset that I want us to be together again. I will follow the no contact rule and everything else related to getting him back, but I was wondering if I reached out to his mom to thank her for everything she did while we were together, would that be wrong? I genuinely want to thank her, not to impress my ex or anything.

I feel like it's the right and polite thing to do, b/c I did spend time with his family for a year and a half. But is it best if I didn't? Would it nullify the no contact rule or ruin my chances of us getting back together?
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  I don't think it will ruin your chances of getting back together as long as you are genuine and you don't expect anything back.
Juliana 4 years ago
Hello,
Thank you for the article. I'm currently in the middle of no contact, and I believe it's going well. I just wanted to ask;
We have been together a very long time, and he suddenly cut it off (quite unexpectedly), saying that he simply didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It felt like a slap to the face. Just the previous night he was over at my house and we were together like normal. We even talked less than a month ago about moving in together, and he was the one who offered the idea of it.
We didn't end on a bad note, and the last message he sent me was wishing I had a good day after I dropped off his things at his house. Since then, I have not been in contact with him at all.
I'm confused on why this happened in the first place, and why he immediately went to the idea of "breaking up" instead of just taking a break from seeing each other and seeing where it goes from there. I hope there's still a chance for us, as well as the possibility of him changing his mind. I know it's probably hard to say, but would you have any insight on what would be going on in his head? Thank you for all your help.
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  I wrote an article about blindsided breakups recently. It might help.
gug 4 years ago
Hi Kevin
All my hopes are on you mate !
My boyfriend and I were together for 6 years. 3 years together in the same city and 3 years oceans apart in a long distance. We fight on pity little issues but we guarantee our love for each other. His family loves me and I am yet to tell mine about him. The fights and loss of connection is taking over. I promise him all the time to not bring a past thing up but I happen to repeat it always , unintentionally. We have been fighting a lot and he says he doesn't need this toxicity in his life. He left me and warned to not call him again on a very very serious note this time. I am screwed ! I have gone to astrologers and Tarot card readers , but it doesn't seem to work. What are the chances of us getting back together ? He is very stubborn. Doesn't even take my 1000th call.
Please Please PLEASE HELP MEEEEEEEEE :(
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  Follow the plan Gug. Do no contact and focus on improving yourself so you don't repeat the same mistakes again.
Alecx 4 years ago
Is it good that during the 30 day period I deactivate my social media accounts to help myself avoid to talking to him? I recently found out that he still keeps our pictures on social media. His birthday is coming up next month and it would be past the 30 day period is it alright to send him a birthday greeting?
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  Yes, it's a good thing. And yes if you are ready, you should send a message on his birthday.
  - nichole 4 years ago
    OMG.This is the best advice I've had since my breakup.I ask my ex to leave after a awful argument, He leave so fast i never see it coming. Without a doubt am going to try it. Already this separation has put a hole in my heart and i want to reach out but I won't. Tomorrow am going to cut and curl my hair then go to the movies with my friends.
    Thanks
Daniel 5 years ago
hey guys i just wanted to ask... does this guide or program work in a long distance relationship?
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  Yes, it does.
  - Via 4 years ago
    I'm really grateful I found this article
    Me and my fiance broke up after 9 months engaged
    The relationship in total was 1 year and 8 months.
    We fought a lot and he said he have no feeling to me anymore 2 months before the marriage. And the night he left me he still said he love me and good bye.
    Its hurt me alot and I did the mistakes that mentioned in this article. I beg for him for 4 days and he blocked me and said he's moving on and he want to be a friends.
    Now I decided the no contact period after I found this website. Hopefully that works on me.
Lisa 5 years ago
Hey
I'm really grateful to u for this article because it has given me an idea on what to do after my breakup.
my ex broke up with me on Friday and I can't seem to accept it and I really want him back. The breakup was all about attention and low self-esteem on my path
I couldn't hold myself so I contacted him and he opened up to me that he can't be with me again but he can be my friend
I'm ready to go through the NC process but is there still a chance of getting him back since he already said he can't be my man again?
- Kevin Thompson 5 years ago
  Yes, there is still a chance. A lot of men say that after a breakup but they change their mind once you follow this plan.
Treb 5 years ago
Hey guys,

First of all thanks for the page, I really like it.
I'm sorry for asking again, but my message did not reach though last time.

I am having some of her stuff at home, I am not sure what to do with that. Neither does she ask me for it (it's quite a bit), nor am I sure I am sending the right signal if I just send it back.

She is quite unresponsive and does not really talk even after one month of no contact and the elephant message.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  You can probably reach out once more using this topic (her her items that are still with you) as the reason for texting her, and see if you're able to strike up any conversation from there. If she still indicates no interest in responding to you apart from just arranging to get her stuff back, then you might have to consider the possibility of her no longer being interested anymore, in which case as you should have already read by now - it would probably be better for you to walk away.
Sahil Agrawal 5 years ago
It should work...i am applying it now...we had a 1 year relationship with ups and downs...i hope it helps...cheers to u buddy
Cherry 5 years ago
I think I purchased your 67 programme, not sure if it went through.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  Hi Cherry, have you received the email notification providing you with an access code to download the AHWs and the eBook?
Rebecca ehiosun 5 years ago
I believed in God and I prayed to Him .
I followed Kevin Thompson get your ex back system ,he sent me emails every day for about 2months and about now all glory to God I’m back with my ex I wanted to inform him I am back with my ex God did for me and I followed Kevin Thompson’s rules and it worked .Thank you for the advice Kevin Thompson and Thank God For Everything,I’m grateful to God.
- MJ 5 years ago
  Have a beautiful life together, Rebecca!
  I'm doing the same thing, I believe in God and I pray everyday.
  I'm follwing this rules in hope that I'll get my ex back, which left because of my fault, and she said that we'll never be together again.
  This is the biggest regret in my life... I lost her because of some stupid things in my mind...
em 5 years ago
I am on... what? Day 5 of no contact. I haven't texted since we broke up. I am writing in a notebook when I miss him, when things remind me of him, when the urge is the strongest to reach out to him. In the notebook, I'm basically writing *to* him, but I don't intend to let him read it. I'm wondering if this defeats the purpose of no contact at all for me - would I benefit more from simply shutting out the feelings and times I miss him, or is it better for me to get it out, as long as I'm not sending it to him? I'm like 90% sure he won't take me back, but the 10% is keeping me going, and following your advice is making me feel better - even if my chances remain low, I am focusing on bettering myself and that feels great. Thank you!
- Georgia 5 years ago
  Hi,
  
  I’m just wondering how you went with this ? Did it work at all ?
Boi boi 5 years ago
So the reason me and and my gf broke up was mainly bc my parents wouldn’t let me date and that’s was bothering her for a while and whne she broke up wiht me she went into another relationship or like talking to a person immediately should I first convince my parents to let me date or what should I do cause ik she still has feeling cause she still asks me if I could ask them or calls me stupid in way as if I i convinced my parents I could still have her
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  You should speak to your parents about this before doing anything else and make sure they are okay with you dating, or you're going to have a hard time regardless of whether its with her or anyone else.
  - Phil 5 years ago
    My situation is so awkward that I suffered terribly with anxiety and depression. Me and (my now) ex-girlfriend had a tough year with financial issues, a business loss and my health. We have a beautiful son, Leo, but they are now back home in my ex’s native Norway. I am now arranging mental healthcare through work and plan to take up Yoga. I sent a very direct text message to my text two days ago highlighting things which basically said I’m disappointed, but I accept her decision - that was painful! And thankfully, and supported through your fab website, I have not text her and she hasn’t text me. I don’t have much faith she will come back to me but I remain hopeful and plan to try by starting with my health. I pray we can be a family again one day.
- Ian 4 years ago
  Thanks for article.
  
  I wanna consult about my situation. I broke up about one week ago, and 4days after we broke up, she contacted me. She pushed me away the reason for she wasn't comfortable with me. Maybe, that was we have fought each other a lot and she thinks too much. Anyway, after she broke up, she wants not to lose me and she wants to be friend with me like we were. And then, we met each other.
  
  I told her that I was terrible for many reasons when we were in relationship and I wants to be in relationship again. She refused cause thinking about fighting each other is still vivid to her. So, I don't know the time exactly but I asked to her that when i asked to date with her and get in relationship again, please accept it. And, we agreed to meet after two months.Anyway, this is situation I have been through. What's the best strategy(?) or mindset to get her back? For two months, Should I maintain not in touch with her?
  - Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
    I recommend you don't initiate contact. If she initiates, speak to her. And all the time keep working on improving as a person and learn to communicate better. Check out this article.
Car 5 years ago
I feel like my situation is very unique. (all relationships are but this one is very different and complicated. ) I’m extremely lost and confused. I’m following the steps but could still use some guidance. Is there any way I could contact you privately to explain and get some advice? I really appreciate all of your work.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  Hey There, if you require some personalized coaching and guidance regarding your situation, you can refer to this page for more information about our coaching packages.
fry 5 years ago
Hi there
I dont know if it counts, but Im in love. Met a beautiful girl before my half year south america trip. We have been texting all trip long. Coming back to vienna we dated 2 month (also with sex) and everything seems so incredible perfect. But she met an other guy contemporaneous to my arrival and fell in love with him. Seems like he doesnt want to have a relationship with her. She told me that I can be much more for her if I give her time to solve her mess/drama. She knows that Im waiting for her and in my last massage i told her my feelings. She didnt reply on that for 3 weeks now. My mind tells me not to write her because she knows everything. She has to do the next step... Or do I miss a chance? Is there anything else I can do?

Thank you so much and nice greetings from vienna
Atila 5 years ago
My boyfriend and I had a argue it been 3 day he is not picking my call.. Now he said not to contact him anymore,he has a ego problem always want to win.. He said his life his rule.. What ill do
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  If you know he has an ego problem and the argument isn't worth ending the relationship over, you could always be the one to reach out and apologize in order to tide the argument over.
Carla 5 years ago
Hey! I think this is very thoughful article. However, what should I do if we broke up but the no contact period was too short(almost none existent) and I've made some of the mistakes being desperate and needy. Also we had sex. Could the no contact period work in that case?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  If you have not started on NC yet and it's been some time since the breakup but you still aren't making much progress towards reconciliation, then I encourage to consider implementing it as soon as possible regardless.
  - Shay 5 years ago
    Hi, I did the NC for a month and he called me before I further my studies and moved to another town. We talked after that and he told me he missed me, he loves me but he said he’s traumatised to be in a relationship again but then I told him about my true feelings that I wasn’t ready to be friends with him as well and we decided to give space to each other. Does this mean I still have any chance with him back?
David 5 years ago
Hi Guys,
Just had a read of this article and to it seems brilliant. I am very self aware or what has gone wrong with my relationship. We were living with each other for a period of 7 months before the lease ran out and while we were moving into the new place, i sent a flirty message to another girl who I hadn't even met before. When she broke up with me, she let me stay for 2 nights, where we slept beside each other and cuddled and kissed, it felt just like the every night norm. When it was time for me to find somewhere else she said to me "the only way I would ever consider taking you back is showing me that you have changed, I still love you and want to be with you but not when youre like this". I am in the denial stage I am being victimised right now, but I know its all on my head. What should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  Hey David,
  
  You may want to consider getting the EBP Advanced System to help you with this as the program would not only provide insight as to how you should be processing your emotions in order to regain your footing/learn to accept the breakup, but it'll also teach you everything you'll need to know about making positive changes and subsequently reconnecting with your ex again, as an improved version of your current self.
  - Alex 5 years ago
    Well hello there. First you have to think what make her sad or mad. Think what is good and what is bad with your habits, what you are doing wrong. Maybe you say to much bad words or get angry easily. Right it down and get to work. You don't have to do it alone you can always have a friend or if you want I could give you my email to text me and tell me your story and then I could help you more. If she loves you that much and you love her make the changes. For the better. She might have right. Become the most attractive guy for her. Change your style go to gym eat healthier to make your image better and while doing that read a book do something for your brain. Train brain and muscle. The better you become the more she is going to want you. And if she is yours treat her always like a queen. If you can't do something for her everyday do one or two times per week. Give her a flower, say something cute. Something that will make her smile. If you are here it means you become happier every time she smiles
Jeremi 5 years ago
Hey EBP Team! Your guide is superb but does it apply to a situation where; we are not in a relationship but after spending 4 months getting to know each other, she decides to take a step back just because she felt i'm not into her a 100% and she feels i'm not fully trusting her. She ghosted for a week and came back telling me she wants to take a step back and i'm in wreck ever since. I told her i would give 100% now so lets try to work things out but she was quite adamant on being friends saying i have missed the chance given to me. She however, is very happy to be friends and said she dont wanna lose this friendship. I told her i need some time to grief and will only contact her when im ready. She respects that and said shes will be here whenever im ready.
Mark 5 years ago
Hey! I absolutely love this article, especially the facts about rebounds. I really want to get her back and I'll start following all this advice given here right now. Just a quick question to you... Have you ever heard about the ex-factor guide? If you have, what do you think about it? I keep reading reviews about it but I can't make up my mind on whether or not I actually need it. After reading this review I'm kind of leaning on towards buying it but then again this review seems to be loving the ex-factor guide a bit too much so I'm not sure [link removed]. I would really love an experts opinion on this and to know whether I actually need this much advice to get her back or is following something like this guide sufficient for my situation.
- Kevin 5 years ago
  Ex-Factor Guide is worthless. Most of it reviews are fake and are made by affiliate who write it for a commission. Following the above guide should be enough for most situations. You should also read this article on getting her back.
Louise 5 years ago
Hi kevin
I need help! My bf of 4 yrs has a lot going on...redundancy, house sale and a lot with his son. He requested a break which I think is now a breakup? He used the excuse because I want kids and he doesn’t. Told me to think about what I want. I’ve decided I am happy to not have kids but we still aren’t together! Was this just an excuse?
He ignores the part of the message when I say about him collecting his stuff. Are we over? Why is he pushing me away? No contact is hard. Only last 2days
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  It could have just been an excuse but it's also hard to say for certain because we don't know what's going through his mind. I think you need to have a proper talk with him about where things stand and if he decision is to end things, you will need to go into no contact first to allow negative emotions to subside before you attempt to give things another shot.
  - Louise 5 years ago
    Thanks Ryan. I’ve tried to ask about meeting up as I feel we need to talk about it, but he shies away and says he has too much on his mind at the moment. Should I do no contact and wait for him to reach out to me? How long does that usually take?
Maria 5 years ago
Hey Ryan,

Me and my boyfriend of five years have broken up for the first time in our relationship last week, we were our each other's first serious relationship. We are living together for around four years now. I moved to this country to be with him, and I am currently not working, so despite my best efforts to find a place, it might be a while before it actually happens. I fear that the longer this takes, lower the chance we have in reconciling. I have some other options that will hurt me but will make sure I will move out soon, but if it means the chances are higher then I will pursue them. In the meantime, I am doing low-contact (we live in a very small house, the only way possible is that), and working on things that ended the relationship which was me being very dependant on him and him feeling unhappy/angry about this situation.

Thank you for your time
Riddley 5 years ago
Hey Kevin,
My ex and I had broke up a long time ago when I told him I cheated on him in the middle of an argument. I've followed the 5- step plan and the current scenario is that we are physically involved and are not seeing other people. This has been going on for a year. We are not in a relationship because he says he cannot trust me enough to get back together. How do I convince him for the same. I really want him back and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.
Some insight would be helpful.
Thank you.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  You can have a read through this article to guide you on what you should do if you cheated and how to regain his trust again from there.
ckaivciv 5 years ago
Hi Ryan,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We broke up today. we still love each other, but I think some things need to mature. We lived in the same house. He took his things today. And now, as you can imagine, I'm feeling ruined. I really value him as a friend and a human being. I have a lot to develop and learn in myself. I want to talk to him again after I know what I want. I want to apply the 30-day rule, but there's a situation. We started a business together this year, and we actually need to meet from time to time. what should I do about it. Of course I can't leave my job and my students suddenly. But in that case, I don't know what to do. Of course, at work, we talk only in the sense of work and behave professionally as necessary. But does this negatively affect the non-communication rule? Please, I'd appreciate it if you could help me. thank you in advance.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  Sometimes, full NC may be impossible to achieve due to circumstances such as the one you're in. Limited NC still works similarly, as long as the interactions that you have with him are only on a need to basis, and you keep the exchange short and strictly professional.
  - K 4 years ago
    Can this all still work and be accurate if your ex currently has you blocked on social media and your number?
    - Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
      Yes. Read this article. https://exbackpermanently.com/get-your-ex-back-when-he-wont-talk-to-you/
Lynn 5 years ago
Hi! My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago because he wanted to focus on his work while I wanted to settle down and get married. We were together for 2 years. After trying no contact for 3 weeks, I started to text him and have been texting him for 2 weeks. I did not text him everyday, I will wait a few days and text him again. Most of his replies were mainly saying thanks and hope you are happy, etc. I would say it is neutral reply. There were a few times that he did not reply back. I asked him out for a short catch up but he said he was busy. Is this a sign that he has forgotten about me and move on? I am lost. Thanks.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  It could be a sign that he's still not comfortable talking to you yet at this point, and you may either need to go a longer period of NC or slowly attempt to get him to warm up to you by initiating mutual topics that may help him to feel more comfortable talking to you because it's a topic he's familiar with.
  - Lynn 5 years ago
    Thanks Ryan for the reply. I did try to get him to warm up to me by initiating mutual topics, texting "memory text" and telling him some jokes but his response was neutral. How long of no contact should I go for? I will be seeing him this Saturday at a friend's wedding. Thanks for the advice.
Jovan 5 years ago
Hey,
What to do if after 30 days no contact,we started texting, meeting up and she has a new boyfriend,do i stop texting her or not? Maybe it's her rebound guy.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  If it's a rebound relationship, give her some space for the time being and allow their relationship to at least move past the initial honeymoon phase, so that there's a better chance of her responding more positively towards you at that point.
Mary 5 years ago
My ex bf broke up with me last month via text saying he wants to focus on his goals. We were together for 8 months, the last ones in long distance. After I tried to to change his mind at first, I did no contact for 2 weeks and started contacting him again. I used your "memory text" at first and he responded positively. I texted him again after two days and I told him i saw us in my dream kissing and he said that he liked that and that sometimes he thinks about us too. We texted a bit about what he misses about me but at some point he stopped replying. I don't know if he was just busy or he didn't want to talk further. I tried to change the subject but again no reply. I want to try to get back together. What my next steps should be?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  Spend more time working on rebuilding up the connection with him before you progress things further along, and whenever you're faced with any such setbacks where he stops replying, just give him some space for the time being, and reach out again in a couple of days-a week later.
  - Mary 5 years ago
    Thank you so much for getting back to me. I'll do that. Should I, at some point, address the issues of our relationship (long distance and his professional goals) and that I'd like to reconnect with him, or it it too soon for that?
Karen 6 years ago
I’m the one that broke up with my ex, and want to get back together. Does this still apply?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
  It would depend on how she's treating you now and why you broke up with her, but generally yes the methods would still apply if directly talking to her about reconciliation had resulted in rejection on your end.
Fabs 6 years ago
Normally I don't give any comments in articles never ever but this is the BEST I have ever read.!!
Every single part is so true.
Good job.
Thomas 6 years ago
Hey ExBackPermanently,

I bought your system about half a year ago after me and my GF of three years split. I am writing this because I am back with her happily and it's been almost 4 months now. Our relationship is mostly repaired and we are talking about engagement and the future.

I followed your system to 70-80% but more than the "remediation" techniques themself, I think it provided the structure and emotional support to better myself, regroup, and strategically reach back out. I can't say for certain if the system was the only reason we're back together, but I would not want to go back in time and take that gamble. Ultimately the thing that got her back was a heartfelt birthday card and painting that I made specifically for her. A little over the top, but it got me a phone call on new years eve saying how much she missed me.

Ultimately, I just want to say thanks. I think there are a lot of scam systems out there, but I definitely got some value out of this one.

Tom
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Hey Thomas,
  
  We’re glad that the program helped you to work things out with your ex and we sincerely wish you all the best with what’s to come.
Lovisa 6 years ago
Hi! is it possible to get an ex back after multiple breakups, if the main reason of every breakup was my fault?
He´s been giving me major confirmation about "i´ve never felt this strong towards a person before, i gave you so many chances because it was you, i´ve never felt this deep connection with anyone else, i gave you more chances than what i actually could give because it was you, i would never give anyone this much chances, i gave you so much chances because i´ve never felt so strong towards anyone else"

Last years breakup he wrote to me a month after no contact, but now he seems really over this because i didn´t change after all the chances he gave me. I didn´t change because i already had him.. now i´m serious about changing. The main reasons we broke up everytime was because my ego in fights (got big ego from insecurities, anxiety, 0 trust and being immature) does no contact work after multiple breakups? please help!
- Lovisa 6 years ago
  I would really need some advice on this thanks :/
  - Launey 6 years ago
    um, good luck and God be with you!
Hannah 6 years ago
My ex broke up with me one week ago. Everything was going great for the entirety of our relationship, three months, but recently I became needy and expressed jealousy over a relationship he has with one of his friends. He told me he loved me and said I was his best friend and then the next day he dumped me. He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, I’ll find someone better, it’s not you it’s me, and he just fell out of love with me. I begged for him to think about it, he gave it the weekend, and still determined he “fell out of it”. I have not contacted him since we met for me to retrieve the stuff I left at his place. Is there any hope because I really feel strongly for him?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  THere's still a potential chance but you'll probably need to address the issues that were causing you to feel insecure and jealous in the first place, before trying to reconnect with him again.
Jenny 6 years ago
Hi there.
My partner and I still in a relationship but from serious to casual. We met online and started dating after 1 weeks . We used to text everyday .everything went great since he spend 3 weeks to travel. And then he changed after he came back. He didn’t text me everyday anymore I asked him the reason he said he got some personal issue need to focus and don’t want to talk. Then I decided to break up with him but seems he didn’t want to. After that. He still didn’t text me everyday.
i decided to wait until he fixed his issue. I texted him sometimes see how he goes but he didn’t reply. But when I called him sometimes he picks up . I need to travel overseas a week later. So I called him the day before I go. But he didn’t answer. So I wrote a long paragraph to tell him what I feel . Then he replied my message said he was busy and enjoy the travel. I traveled overseas for 3 weeks and we didn’t talk to each other during that period . Around 1 week ago I came back from holiday. But I didn’t contact him and just focus on myself. 3 days ago he texted me randomly and see how I go and we started talking again.
Last night he texted me again he wants a casual relationship. He said he l’m great he likes me but he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Instead , he wants casual. I did a bit research about what casual relationship means as I never had this experience before and don’t have this in my culture.I was a bit upset and also confused why he want that. And I still don’t have a clear idea what casual relationship is. What should I do?
- Zach Langlais 5 years ago
  Hey Ryan, my ex fiancé and I were together for a total of 7 years, we’ve been doing long distance for 5 months now and she broke things off because she feel our connection is not the same. Clearly I’ve been fighting for her and what not. I’m just now starting the no contact rule but one step I won’t be able to do is go on a date I feel like after 7 years I can’t do that to myself or her and she wouldn’t do it either. Any other advice?
  - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
    Of course, if you aren't emotionally ready to go on dates yet, then you shouldn't force yourself to. Engage in new activities/hobbies that provide a sense of renewed meaning and as a source of distraction, and you can always spend the time reconnecting with your friends instead of just going on dates.
Laurel 6 years ago
I made all the mistakes and more ,I’m doomed ain’t I. This is bad but I have hope n I’ll start these ideas now , I do need to be a better person!
- Brandon 6 years ago
  It may not even be that you're a bad person you may have just been a stupid person. Speaking from experience you usually haven't done anything necessarily bad just not smart
Kayn 6 years ago
hey
Marcel 6 years ago
Hey, my gf just broke up with me 5 days ago, we have been together for 5 years, she said that i left her alone and didn't care for her as much I used to do, 2 days after the breakup i asked her to meet up so i could tell her how I feel about it, I tried to win her back by apologizing and taking the blame, but she didn't want to come back, at least not so soon. I just started no contact again and going to improve me and my mistakes on this time. the thing is that she is going to be her birthday in a couple of weeks and I don't know what to do, we still care for each other and I really want to text her for the day, even thought i know that will break the no contact rule. what should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Since it is a couple of weeks from now, you should be closer to the end of no contact by then and I think it would be okay if you decided to text her on her birthday to wish her and if her response is positive, you could end no contact and start on rebuilding attraction.
Christina 6 years ago
Me and my bf recently broke up because i confessed to cheating on him. We dated for 10 months and made it official 6 weeks ago. Then i messed up and i had to confess, it was a one time thing and something I’ll never do again. I eventually want him back but I feel like he hates me. This happened yesterday and now i know i should give him space but i hate myself for breaking his heart. Do you have any advice on how to cope with this and get through it ? I felt like he was the love of my life and i just messed up. I’m 22 he’s 23.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You can use this article for more guidelines on what to do if he broke up with you over a cheating incident.
Juan 6 years ago
Dear Ryan and Ryan’s team,
I have met an amazing girl and we went out for about a month, and it was perfect! However, I showed myself needy and told her that I would like to have a serious relationship with her. As a result, she told me that she would no longer go out with me.
So, should I bot contact her and apply the steps of this article? Do you believe I have a chance to get her back?

Thank you
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Perhaps since you've only dated her for a month, it would be better to let her know that you apologize for acting this way and go into no contact for about 2 weeks before you try reaching out to restart over as friends first.
Angelina 6 years ago
Thanks for your article it helps me a lot thinking. Me and my bf are friends before we get into serious relationship. He is the one who ask for brek up. I just accepting his decision even if it makes me killing. I started your no contact 2days now. But we have a group chat in facebook together with our friends so How can i apply the no contact. My friends didn't know that we are in a relationship. And we both decided not to tell them about it. He act that everything is okay. He send messages, i read it. I don't want also to leave at the group.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You don't have to leave the group for now but perhaps if it is affecting you to read his messages, you should mute the chat for now or ignore it until you feel more emotionally stable.
Sonia 6 years ago
Hi, my ex broke up with me 20 days ago. During these 20 days I tried to contact him so desperately that even his family came to know about this and asked him to resolve whatever it was. Now, he says that this relationship is beyond repair and he doesn't want to keep anything with me, though he still takes my calls and responds to my texts. Do you think that I can still get him back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It would depend on how serious the relationship was and his feelings towards you. I suggest that you go into no contact now and give him some space first before you try winning him back. Follow the steps in our articles on the things to do/not do.
Mark 6 years ago
So i left my wife about a year and half ago she suffered alot she wanted to be with me but i said no and now i feel iam ready to be back with her but she said no she had recently given me a chance to show her i ve changed but blew it and now that iam ready andshe doesnt believe me and says she no longer loves me i told her i wouldnt give up and i have to keep seeing her due to having a son
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Use those interaction opportunities as a chance to slowly regain her trust and show her that you've changed with your actions, and not simply words because she does not trust you enough at this point.
John 6 years ago
We were dating for more than 2 years.. her family is fixing her up with a guy they know since Years. The girl told me she can’t go against them now and told me to move on? What shall I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If she is serious about not wanting to go against her family, it might be a better idea to respect her decision and let go since you could end up bringing more problems and misery to her by making her choose between you or her family.
  - Lauren 5 years ago
    My ex just broke up with me a few days ago. We were together for 8 months. We talked about moving in together but then he backed off from it. I believe he has an avoidant attachment style so now looking at it I’m not surprised. He changed when he moved from the city to the coast of Florida. I felt less important and like less of a priority so I did my best (likely not my best) to convey to him that I was feeling less important and was needing more. I had a night where I freaked out at him and then we had two fights last week that started through drinking. He says he believes this is best for both of us. I have not made any of the mistakes and truly don’t know if I want to get back together but I miss how much fun we have and how much we laugh and I’m sure he does too. If he comes back around I’m going to need to see some changes in him also before making my own choice. I wish this wasn’t so difficult. Thank you for the article, it makes sense and empowered me a bit.
s 6 years ago
me and my GF have been together for over two years. in this time we have been on and off for different periods of time. about two weeks ago we were together, some distance began to form between us. we then became friends, she requested space. in this time I was controlling, jealous and went crazy over one of her guy friends. she then blocked me on the 31st of October on everything. she unblocked me after a couple days, I did not add her back I just gave her space. she then blocked me again, on Sunday. I am in love with her and ready to marry her, something I was not before. I sent her a text on Sunday, the elephant in the room text (I thought I was blocked but I sent it anyway) it says delivered. I think she read it, no response tho. what should I do? if I see her in person do I wave or try to talk to her?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you happen to see her, you could be friendly and polite and it would be good to not lose yourself to any emotions felt and bring the relationship up. Otherwise, continue with no contact for now and give her more space to let go of any negative emotions she feels towards you.
Vicky 6 years ago
Hi, I am about to try the no contact but I have a feeling my ex will try and contact me. He uses snapchat to message me and I just wanted to know if I should leave his messages unopened or open but ignore?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It would be better to leave it alone and not open them so that he does not think that you're playing some petty game or purposely ignoring him.
Bill 6 years ago
Hi,
My ex & I broke up after more than 5 years of awesome relationship. In the end she kind of got depressed and got attracted to a guy in the US that she met online (we are from spain). Now she's talking to him everyday by cam, up to 5 hours a day. We could not have no contact because we lived together and had to get some of our stuff back and fix some other problems. She saw me 3 days ago, I was in tremendous shape, nice clothes and good mood, she cried a lot. Saw her yesterdays evening, same thing, she was frustrated, depressed and ended up crying in my arms.
What do I do now?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Work on building attraction again with her since it's clear that she is affected by you still, but perhaps drifted apart or lost connection with you during the relationship which happens often for couples who have been together for a long time.
Jimmy 6 years ago
So..we broke up in July after 3 years but we still lived together until October..After the breakup we got closer sometimes and she started to doubt her choice as she saw me improving in many areas of my life.
I bought the Advanced EBP and I am working so much on myself thanks to the guide & the Advanced Healing Spreadsheets
Now,after some weeks of no-contact (more or less,we work together aswell), we met a couple of times and spent hours together, like a couple..I slept at her place and she slept at mine a couple of times..
After that, she told me that she misses me a lot and that she feel awesome when we are together but she is sure about the choice she made (breaking up with me) and that we both suffered enough.
She tells me how beautiful,smart etc i am every time we are alone,we have amazing sex, interesting discussions and loads of cuddles. then the following day she just goes back to hot & cold.
I feel like there are some chances we will be back together and i dont want to screw it up even if i learned to live without her and my life is doing great, by analyzing our relationship and myself, I'm pretty sure we will be happy everyday together this time. I am not the misanthropic depressed full of Ego bastard i have been before..

What should i do?Try to meet her more or should i go cold aswell so she will understand that she will loose me for good?
I think i am doing good, never begged, never spoke about getting back together etc

Thanks a lot
- Jimmy2 6 years ago
  Hi Jimmy. What happened next? I'm in the situation that my wife of 10years has lost attraction and love for me but still lives with me for now...
  So let me know what you did next, and if it worked out well for you! Thanks
Eli 6 years ago
So Im a lesbian.
My ex, broke up with me and started a new relationship about 2 weeks after our breakup. Its been 3 months since then and we talk almost daily. I know I've made so many mistakes intros 3 months to win her back, including letting her to cheat on her new gf with me. She says she wants to stay friends and don't want to end her new relationship. So what should I do? also, the new relationship is long distance and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. HELP
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Her new relationship may be a rebound but she does not want to take the risk of ending it yet (especially if doesn't have many issues) and taking that leap to get back together if she is unsure of whether it would work since the first time did not end well. Give her some time to let her come to a decision and continue to build the comfort and attraction levels with her in the meantime.
  - Nathan stevens 5 years ago
    Hey im trying to cut all contact with her atm and its abit early and shes been msging me and i been ignoring them. But now im conflicted because when it comes to the day i try talking to her wouldn’t she be pissed that i am randomly just contacting her after ignoring her for so long. Like how do i text her back like “hey didnt see your msgs”?? Or like tell her i been just giving myself time to see if I really want to be with you?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 5 years ago
      You just have to let her know that you needed space to process your emotions after the breakup and apologize for ignoring her back then.
Eric J Rivera 6 years ago
My gf dumped me about a month ago and the problem is that we still live together. We support each other financially and we can't move out. What would you recommend me to do to get get back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Set boundaries around the house for the time being so that no contact can still be applied to a certain extent, which would at least give both parties some space to deal with their emotions.
diabo 6 years ago
what you write is really interesting and I am trying to follow all the advice you mention, but after a long conversation with her 2 days ago, she told me that her feelings changed, that she did give herself time and that the more time goes she doesn't miss me, and that she just want us to be friends but never comes to me, I am always the one introducing the conversation. She is not even online anymore on whatsapp but is online on other social media, and I have more the impression that she is indefferent and its hard to believe that its an act nor that she thinks about me... other than just being friends...
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Then you'll most likely have to work on building the attraction again since she does not feel the same way towards you right now. You can follow this article for more guidelines on rebuilding the connection with her.
Chris 6 years ago
My wife and I were married for 6 years, but the last two I was asleep at the wheel. Not participating enough in the family and not paying her enough attention. I was miserable from my job and I brought that frustration home. She told me she wanted a divorce, but I’m more in love with her than ever before. We’re still in the house because of finances and our children. I want to give her the space and time she needs to start working on a building a new relationship but I don’t know how to do that in the same house. She had been getting attention from another guy towards the end as well. I’m doing everything I can to improve myself and how I react to stresses but all I want is for her to give our relationship another chance. She even admits that when things were good, they were amazing. What do I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you're living in the same house as her, it would be a little tougher but as long as boundaries are set, no contact is still possible. Avoid having personal conversations, perhaps set temporary boundaries around the house where both parties treat as their own personal space. It would even be better to avoid each other for the time being - sleeping in different rooms, coming back home at different times, going out more often, etc.
Stephania 6 years ago
Hi,

I’m a girl 26 and he is 29.
We broke up ove rne being very jealous of his past relationship. His mom and his ex girlfriend are really good friends. This made it hard for me to make a relationship with her.

I’m sad because I broke up with him then I decided I wanted him back he just brushed me off and has ignored me for two weeks.
I’ve called, texted and even went to his house to drop off his stuff.

My sister follows him on social media after our break up and stalks him and then shares all the details I can’t take it anymore.

Please give me advice!?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Tell your sister to stop sharing, go into no contact and follow the guidelines in our article to spend time working on yourself. Give each other some space for now before you reach out again later on.
Jason 6 years ago
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months. After I left for college she started to like someone else and left me for him. She still says she loves and cares about me but do I really have a chance to get her back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If the relationship you shared with her was a meaningful one, there's a good chance that she simply lost attraction or connection with you and this guy is a rebound. In those circumstances, by following our guidelines, there's a good chance of winning her back if you're able to successfully connect back with her again.
Karen 6 years ago
Hi Ryan or Ryan's team. I really appreciate that you actually respond to questions people have on here, it shows you care and that you're on top of it! I've recently gone through a breakup and started to implement NC, but my ex's phone is malfunctioning and telling him that I called when I haven't (it shows missed calls from earlier in the week, but shows up as missed calls from yesterday or today.) Because of this, my ex thinks I've been calling him and he's reached out to explain that there's something going on with his phone but he isn't trying to ignore me. I know you're 1) not supposed to break NC or 2) tell them you're going NC, but his malfunctioning phone is messing with the NC and making it seem like I'm calling him. Should I break NC to respond to him to clarify that I'm not calling him, AND that I won't be calling him for a while, and then start NC up again? Or should I clarify but NOT warn that I won't be calling for a while? Or should I leave all of it be and only say something if he tells me he's gotten more missed calls a second time?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  NC isn't ultimately set in stone and merely serves as a guideline to giving both parties space. It's fine to reply to him if you wish to clarify and avoid any animosity later on when you reach out, as long as you don't prolong this conversation or start discussing personal matters or the relationship.
vividtemporary 6 years ago
My ex left me after 2 weeks of silence. 2 weeks of him saying he had alot going on with his family and work stress and that he was overwhelmed. That it had nothing to do with me and that he just needed some space. After 2 weeks of that he says he needs to move on from me, and all these other excuses that just didnt make any sense. I feel like his stress has overcome him and he just pushed me away. I am at day 5 of no contact and I just miss my best friend so much. Was it really his personal struggles that he had or was it just an excuse to leave me?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It could have very well been either reasons, and only he would know which it is. Keep in mind that there's a very real chance that he had simply lost feelings/connection with you, as many people would use the excuse of stress and wanting to sort their own life out in order to break up with their partner.
Ophelia 6 years ago
i just started no contact a week or two ago. I’m in an interactive theatre production this week and I KNOW my ex is coming to see it. I know i can avoid him while i’m doing the show, but i feel like he may come up to me afterwards in the greeting line. what do i do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could reply politely but find an excuse to leave after that, especially if you aren't ready to face him yet
John 6 years ago
My ex girlfriend broke up with me on the 5th we’ve been dating for almost 3yrs. Recently she’s been hanging out with this guy a week after we broke up and posting it all on social media I think they’re just talking but im not sure. Now she’s agreed to sit and talk about us when I haven’t spoken to her for ab a month I don’t know what to think
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could meet her to talk but if you want to win her back, avoid getting emotional or act needy during the interaction. Your goal is to show her from this meetup about the changes you've made, how you're more confident and positive nowadays, and basically to establish a friendship again with her first before eventually working towards something more.
CHANDRAKANT KUMBHKAR 6 years ago
HIi I hurt my gf deeply but we still talk. I am in long distance relationship. She didn't break up with me but she says she is bored and tired of texting me and that she needs some freedom and space from me. But still she texts me every few days to tell me about how broken she is. According to your suggestion i should not reply her during no contact phase. But wont she think that i do not care about her ? Wont she get more mad and leave me permanently ?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could tell her politely that you'll need some space to process the breakup, because you can't heal properly by picking yourself up from the breakup but still having to remain in contact with her.
Natalie H 6 years ago
Hi Ryan,

I wanted to take a moment and give you a big thank you for writing this article and sending me emails. I really look forward to them.
I tell my friends I have a life coach!

So my situation is a little unique.
I met this guy in a dating app Jan 2018 we dated for 8 months and initiated a serious relationship.
I broke up with him several times because of his ex girlfriend being such a shadow in our relationship. His mom and his ex are triple besties.
Making it even hard for me to like his mom.
I feel guilt in my heart for being verbally abusive and acting immature.
I would really like to get back with him but it’s so tough when I was honest with him and how is ex and mom made me feel.
Is there a chance we could work out?

I have initiated no contact and it’s now day 8 but prior to no contact I did all the mistakes of pleading a begging for him to take me back I even called him 10 times and showed up at his house.

His emotions are off and I’m scared he might just use me for intimacy. I see him hiding his phone and taking hours to text me back I even see him following other girls on social media.
Is this relationship worth saving ?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  The definition of worth saving is entirely up to you and how you view him along with the relationship. As the breakup was still relatively recent, it's normal that he may not feel comfortable being in contact with you hence his delayed replies but as for hiding his phone, it usually would indicate that he might be talking to other people but is afraid of you finding out.
sad sad 6 years ago
My girlfriend dumped me because she said she had lost her feelings for me. She is a very outgoing person and likes to have fun like other single people. So in my case, will she think about me during the no contact period?(by the way, i have only started no contact for 2 days) But before our break up she mentioned that she appreciated everything i have done for her and she clarified that she is not seeing anyone. Do i still have a chance even though she felt that texting me was more like a responsibility rather than willingly...
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  She may initially feel liberated and enjoy having the freedom of being single, but usually there comes a point when the gap where you used to be may get to her and she begins to reminisce about the relationship or you.
Twice 6 years ago
Hello, Im a guy (35) hes 20. After one year he has asked for "space". Apparently, he is seeing someone +-age after weeks of denial. Im still in love with him and this was bound to happen with our age gap and distance. Yet despite that, we had been meeting (with me obviously pleading embarrassingly with him to change his mind) . Now that he is in a relationship, are there any positive chances to get him back. Great read this article has been though and having gone through it eight days before i have never contacted him again and im eager to make it to at least 30 days, but what are the chances and is it ethical
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Your chances are definitely going to be there as long as the relationship was a meaningful one. However given his age in particular, there could be a chance that he's also exploring at this stage of life and being with someone older was simply an experience he wanted to try but still felt more comfortable at the end of the day being with someone closer to his age. Continue with no contact and after you're done, you could reach out to him to see where he stands on being friends again. You'll have to do things a step at a time starting as friends, before you're able to rebuild attraction further, so the best advice I can give you is to remain patient and avoid building up unnecessary expectations.
B 6 years ago
Me and my BF have been dating a for a year in a long distance relationship( about 3 hours driving distance) . He does not like when guys hit on me via social and they leave comments under photos. I have told them to stop posting heart eyes and and even deleted them as friends. My ex broke up with me after one person has left 3 different comments over the last few months. I have no control over what others do and I don't know what else to do to get him to see that. I have made the mistake of contacting him day after day asking that we try to amend things, but he keeps repeating he is done and wishes me well. But finally today I came across this site and decided to give him the space hes asked for so that he may come back to me and so he has time to think things through without me being "Needy or desperate". It has only been 5 days and he is still replying to some text but refuses to speak to me over the phone. I am going crazy, especially since we were coming up on our "Official" 1 year anniversary in 2 weeks. I will do my best for the 30 day no contact. I want to be with him, get married, start a family and live a great life together. Hopefully this advice works. Wish me luck.
Esther 6 years ago
Hey i just have a question about no contact. My ex and I are in a group chat with all of our friends, on snapchat. If i leave that group chat, I lose access to last minute plans and activities that my friends are doing. Unfortunately, he is also in that group chat. I haven't directly answered any of his snaps, yet he still sees everything I send and I see everything he sends. I'm not willing to let go of access to my friends, since they are the only thing keeping my mind off of him. I have been initiating no contact for around 9 days now, so basically, will it affect the effectiveness of no contact if I still see pictures of his face and what he's doing everyday and vice versa? Should I leave just for the no contact period?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could stay in the chat group if its important to you, but perhaps avoid opening his snaps where possible to not get emotionally caught up and you can still continue sending stuff to your friends because it doesn't matter if he sees it or not.
  - Esther 6 years ago
    Thank you for answering me. I just got the logic vs emotion email and I just need to check if I have any chances getting my man back. My cousin texted him the other day without me knowing, to get his side of what happened. He ended up responding with "breaking up with her wasn't an easy decision at all but too many tings in the relationship needed to change and they weren't being fixed. It wasn't easy but I really think it's the best decision for us moving forward" To me that sounds like logic, not emotion. Honestly, is there any chance for me to get him back? W were together 3 years and 1 week. I think it was a pretty meaningful relationship.
Summer Hester 6 years ago
Hi, I’m Summer. My boyfriend and I recently broke up about 5 days who. It was pretty mutual. We both haven’t felt as happy as we used to lately, which I regret ever feeling that way. I just wanted to work things out, but he supposed a breakup was better for us. Now that we’re not together nothing feels right and I feel like I’ve lost my other half. We bith agreeed to remain friends but obviously it’s not the same. I’m currently starting with no contact which is super difficult since I ran into him yesterday. We asked how each other were and as I walked away he opened his arms to hug me. I was surprised. I would just like some advice as to rekindle our romantic relationship and be with him, for good.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's normal to be feeling this way so soon after the breakup, and you should allow for some time to pass to before you start trying to rekindle the romance in the relationship again. Use this time to figure out where it went wrong and to see if they are aspects which can be rebuilt or not.
calvin 6 years ago
So, great article by the way. Love it. However me and my ex have been separated for almost a month now, and it is funny because most of the things you talk about I am doing. She once called me at 130 in the morning and said it was an accident, but I know it wasn't however I am not ready to explore her again because I don't feel ready. .
But let me explain, I met her on a dating site, I wasn't expecting to fall in love because I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship and was just trying to meet and greet and work on my self confidence, through dating. The first person I met was her and everything was perfect. That was until my ex narcissist girlfriend got involved.
The new girl backed off after a while, and I will admit after my ex got evolved things changed a little bit because I wasn't sure what she would do. I was kinda always looking over my shoulder as well as old WAR wounds came back. The thing is me and the new girl loved each other a lot and was on the same page, even talked about moving in together after only being together for a month. It seemed so effortless.

We both have kids and our kids all loved being together and around us. I'm sure she is dating which I am fine with, and I keep getting hit up by women to date which I will soon explore. We are both very attractive people inside and out so it's hard to keep the men and women away.

I'm just wondering A. Is it worth it. and B. Does your advice work for someone like us.

Thanks
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If everything had really fit perfectly and you guys were good together, then it's definitely worth it to try and win her back. You just have to be certain that your feelings for her and your thoughts on this relationship is genuinely because of her as your partner, and not simply a rebound.
Carl 6 years ago
I've been applying the no-contact rule for a month now. (Broke up 9/1/18, didn't start NC till 9/18/18, before that had dated for 5 years 34yo(me) and 24(her)). I'm feeling better, I have no idea how she is feeling. My initial plan was to do a long no contact, like 3 months, because she was extremely adamant about the breakup and is a very determined girl in general (It was a loss of connection and attraction dumping, btw). And I think she wanted to experience a period of being single since she's been locked up in various relationships basically forever, which influenced me to think the longer period would be wise.

I am thinking about contacting her either at the end of November or middle of December (Breakup was Sept 1). Would that be too long? I want to let her anger about my mistakes cool down, but still strike while she has feelings for me, but also give her enough time that she doesn't feel like she had any chance of being single in her mind.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It really would depend on her personality and how badly things got towards the end of the relationship, but generally I think that end of November should be fine.
Sarah 6 years ago
I split from my ex after I found out he had cheated. He tried for a year to get me back, doing all the things you listed that just made him completely unattractive to me. Constant texts, begging me to take him back, all that sort of thing. I was adamant it was over. Now he has met somebody else and suddenly I’m gutted and want him back!!! What’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I really thought I was over him.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It happens to many people, and usually for the reason that it's human nature to want what we can't have, resulting in the sudden burst of feelings in wanting him back upon realizing that he has actually walked away. I suggest that you remind yourself on why it didn't work out in the first place and stay logical about this matter, because this feeling you have for him is usually an illusion in most cases and doesn't last.
Crissy 6 years ago
Hey, I love this article. My ex and I broke up a month ago, I broke up with him, but then I came back telling him I wanted him back. He said he needed space to value me again, then when I started being too Clingy he said he just wanted to be friends I felt hurt and I hated the way he was treating me. He knew I was hurt by how he treated so I told him I’ll let him be. He called me twice this week but I didn’t answer and called again yesterday and I answered then he apologized for how he treated me, the conversation was brief. I’m trying to do the no contact thing for now but his birthday is in two weeks, I don’t know if to wish him happy birthday or not
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you guys have broken up, whether you wish him or not honestly would not make any difference to the situation because it's simply a formality. I would personally suggest not to break no contact and risk losing all your progress in these two weeks in the event you get emotionally caught up with speaking to him and begin to feel upset all over.
Pinkie 6 years ago
This site is the best. Thanks to the team. I have gotten back my ex back and this time he showers me with more love, affection and attention but there's one concern though. He really fantasize about cuckolding. What's your views? How do I let him stop bringing it to me? Over 4 years we have been together
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I suggest you be firm on the boundaries of the relationship and let him know that it's something that would never happen.
Haward 6 years ago
Hey,

My girlfriend of 2 years dumped me in August 24th, basically because we had no communication. I didn't make the mistakes and give her space. Two weeks ago she text me saying she misses my dog and ask to see him. She keeps texting me bringing some dramas as well, but I'm not reacting at all (maybe because I don't care). The fact is, I still want her back, I just find It's hard to contact her because she is already contact me. I feel like she's testing me. What can I do? ps: I'm in 40 days of no contact
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It depends on whether you're ready to face her at this time or not. If you are, you could just reply to her texts as the improved person you are since breaking up and by not responding or reacting to her drama, you set the boundaries for this new relationship as well.
  - Mrg 6 years ago
    We work together. Does no contact gonna work if I Just ignore him
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Yes, but try to remain professional about things and remember that its okay to talk to him if it's for work related matters.
Lilly 6 years ago
I never dated this guy but we had a fling for over a year now and we both established that we liked each other but agreed that we shouldn't date just yet. one day out of the blue, he starts ignoring me and completely cuts off contact. he seemed annoyed by me so i stopped contacting him too. it's been 5 months now but i still want him to talk to me like he used to and keep this fling going that could eventually end in us dating. should i just let it go or should i reach out to him? and how could i reach out to him without making it seem awkward or desperate?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I suggest that working towards getting the fling back isn't the most healthy of options and you should just be honest with your feelings towards him. Keep in mind that you should be mentally prepared for the worst because flings often end with one person getting hurt especially when the other person may not have been entirely serious about you in the first place.
Andy F. 6 years ago
Hi,

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me in August, reason being she felt I don’t need her. I basically did all the things deadly mistake you mentioned above before i found this website. Affection, angry, begging, name calling etc you named it, I already done that. I realized my mistakes now. she recently blocked me from message and call her, whatsspp etc. she said she doesn’t want me anymore and move on. what should i do to win her back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Since you've already pushed her away with your initial actions, it's best to simply back off for now and give her some space by going into no contact. Use this link to understand the objectives related to no contact and how it can be used to win her back.
  - Andy F 6 years ago
    What if she move on during the no contact period and had forgotten about the relationship?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      If the relationship was a meaningful one, it's unlikely that she would have moved on so quickly after breaking up. If she really does, it might mean that she had either let go of the relationship a long time ago or that it simply wasn't serious enough for her to get emotionally caught up with the breakup.
      - Andy F 6 years ago
        How to contact after the no contact period if she blocked me from whatsapp/call/msg.
      - Andy F 6 years ago
        Just complete my 30 days NC period just to find out my ex got engaged on the last day of my NC. Feel devastated. What is your advice
Anon 6 years ago
My girlfriend of two years recently dumped me. I am admittedly hurt, and I was hurt for the first few days. I came across this article and a few others on here and felt a little better, although I still have some nervousness and doubts.
She asked for space because we have been too attached, too distracted with one another, and we need to work on ourselves. I whole-heartedly agree and I think that this break is the best thing for us for now. We do both still see a future together.
However, I am a little worried. I do not know how this site feels about soul mates and twin flames, but I have felt from the beginning that she is mine. I know that the reason for our breakup is because of the need to work on ourselves. I know that we have both been insecure, and that in my insecurity, I have been needy. I need to be my own best friend for a while and not rely on others so much, and I realize that. I just hope that maybe, just maybe, if I play the cards right and she does come back, I hope that things will work.

What do you think?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You're right about everything you said here related to working on yourself and acknowledging the issues from the relationship. As for soul mates and twin flames, another more general term for these things would be how meaningful the relationship was in general. If it was a meaningful one, it wouldn't be so easy for one person to simply let go of the other person, despite how things may have scaled towards at the end of the relationship.
  - Anon 6 years ago
    Thanks, Ryan. The relationship was a very meaningful one in which we helped one another to grow in certain ways. I will be ever thankful for that even if we never succeed together as a couple. I will be just as happy without her as I was with her, and I will be happy for her as long as she is truly happy with her life without me in it. I have no bad blood towards her at all, and cannot, with any of my being, ever bring myself to hate or want to hurt her. I just hope, in all honesty, that no matter what happens, she will be alright. I know that I will.
    
    Thank you to you and the rest of the EBP team. Even if I don't get my EBP, I will still move on to be a happy person in life and I know what to do in the future as well as now to ensure happiness and positivity. I'm optimistic and hopeful of good things to come. :)
    - Anon 6 years ago
      So, something has happened in the past two days that I would like to be honest about and get some insight on as well.
      
      First off, before I tell you what happened, I would like to point out that my recent ex-girlfriend and I are both college students. She is a freshman, and I am a junior, with a two-year age gap as well. I reside on-campus, and when she broke up with me, she did it in my dorm after cuddling me. When she broke up with me, she cried, and I knew that she was struggling to really go through with the decision. However, she still broke up with me in the end. I know why it happened and that it does have to do with the fact that we need to work on ourselves and we are both a bit insecure. I know that I was clingy and pushed her away due to my insecurities. I also know that I have said that I will keep positive and try to work on myself, and I am still going to do that. However, I just want to be really honest with what exactly went down immediately following the breakup.
      We did try to agree to be friends, and I even gave her gas money in exchange for giving me a ride home for the weekend for me to stay with my parents and work. However, over that weekend, I took some time to think and realized that trying to be friends right after a breakup with someone I had a relatively good relationship with until the last month would not be a good idea. That was when I came upon this article and started reading it as well. I realized that, while I do WANT us to be friends, it is probably not the best decision right now because my emotions are still very raw and I am very confused and I still have some strong feelings that I know that I would not be able to suppress or hide so easily around her. I also looked at the breakup from both sides. She, on the one hand, was the one who asked for the breakup. She was the one who initially asked for space. I on the other hand, after I got over the initial hurt, realized that what I was doing wrong was still showing neediness in asking to be friends directly and trying to still hold on to what was. What was between us has already been, and if there is to be a future, it cannot continue. I realized that although she initiated the breakup, I too need some space to work on myself and regain my securities and get in touch with those things that make me happy and confident and... Well, me. I need to learn how to be happy without her and realize that I am my own person and that her love does not define me. It feels great to have someone to love, certainly, but that cannot be the source of my happiness, nor can it be the only positive or "good" thing in my life. But, I feel like I'm getting too carried away in those things that should be common sense.
      
      Back to my original point, something happened in the past two days that shocked me and left me feeling confused and going back to square one of No Contact and coping with the breakup. She texted me yesterday to ask how I was doing. As I was preoccupied by focusing on my happiness and playing pool with a friend, I was ignoring my phone. An hour of playing pool goes by, and I turn to see her standing near where we used to hang out. I continue to play pool and talk to the friend I'm playing with, and I make some comments about movies I haven't seen, and I try to look confident despite what I'm feeling inside. I then pluck up the courage to actually talk to her. She says that she came by to say hello as it had been a while, and I point out that it had literally been only a weekend and a day (from Thursday, so it had literally been 4-5 days since we'd seen one another or talked.)I told her that I didn't expect to see her, and then broke it to her that I think we need more space from each other. She said that she didn't know that that was how I felt because she hadn't heard from me, but I told her that because she asked for a breakup, I was giving her what she asked for by not trying to text or call her about it, especially because the breakup was what she wanted. I told her that part of me focusing on me was me realizing that this was going to hurt me and realizing that I do not need to be engaging in something that will cause me pain. She again said "Okay, I understand if that is what you want." I told her that it isn't what I want, but what we both need, especially since she asked for the breakup. After, she made a comment about me being with this friend of mine that seemed a little like jealousy, which caused me to snap and say something that wasn't true about how I had brushed this friend off for a while because of her discomfort towards him (which was only partly true.) Anyway, I saw her today in a commons area as she sat in my direct line of vision and kept looking over at me. I went over to apologize and establish that I still wanted distance, but.. The notion that she was sitting in what seemed a deliberate spot to see me made me feel quite uncomfortable and a little scared. When I went up to her, she looked as if she had cried recently. She looked very unhappy. However, I know to be strong and not get lured back into this just because she is showing me that SHE is miserable. If insecurity will cause someone to breakup with someone, it will also cause someone to rethink getting back together and honestly push them further away, right? If she is trying to get me to move on from her, unfortunately she's taking a route that will make it easy for me to do so. It is clear to me from her actions that she is very unsure of what she wants. One minute, she says that she wants a breakup and space, but it seems as though she has done a 180 now that I have asked to go through with more time and space and told her that I need it as well. It's as if she wants me in her life, but is confused as to how and is now showing a disrespect of my wants in favor of her own, which is in turn confusing, hurting, and scaring me. After such a relatively good relationship, this period of direct After Relationship is starting to feel very scary and worrisome and almost toxic.
      
      I apologize for this being so incredibly long, but I needed to get this out there, and I wanted to post it in the comments for others who may be going through, or have gone through, a similar situation to mine. Thank you again, EBP team. I really appreciate your site and what you are trying to do and the advice that is readily available.
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      That's great to hear. We wish you all the best with your endeavors and hope you succeed at being happy because that's the most important goal at the end of the day, whether you get your ex back or not.
Andy F 6 years ago
Hi,
Me and my 2 years girlfriend broke up in August because she felt that I don’t need her. I basically do all the don’ts that were outlined. I was angry back then because she didn’t say the reason she wants to brake up. I did most of the deadly miskates you mentioned above i.e texting, begging, show affection, name calling. What can I do to win her back after what I did?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Since you've already started to push her away with your actions after the breakup, the best thing you can do right now is to give her some space and try to figure out on your own what caused her to end the relationship. If it was a negative aspect of you that made her lose feelings or give up on the relationship, use this time to work on yourself so that you'll be able to reach out as an improved person down the road to see if things can be rebuilt from there.
  - Andy F. 6 years ago
    But she says she doesn’t want me anymore and want to move on. If this no contact method works?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Her decision may be driven right now by emotions and these things change over time. After no contact, she may not immediately warm up to the idea of getting back together but at the very least, she may not be at the stage where she outright rejects your attempts at warming up to her.
Jack 6 years ago
Ok so my ex and I have gone from not talking to each other at all to her apologizing and us sort of talking every once in a while to us talking a bit daily to us talking hours every day and us being best friends. Things are progressing very well, but I'm wondering what I should do now if anything. Should I just let things flow naturally or is there anything I can do to avoid the permanent friendzone? Thanks in advance
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Let it flow naturally, but add in light flirting to the conversations for the meantime to ensure some spark is created between the two of you.
Jenny 6 years ago
Hi Ryan
Me and my exboyfriend for almost 3 years, we even made plans for getting marry, how the ceremony was gonna be and even picked our Kids name in case I get pregnant in the future. He told me that has been texting with another women that he met on internet for over 7 weeks and he said that nothing happened because she lives in another state but still that he had thought about cheating on me. He told me that he can’t forgive himself for what he did to me and it seems that he also kind of lost interest in me because he says that when I text him or call him he preferred doing something else than that until I call him again and then he will pick up the call. Because of work I moved to another country till February of next year and we were working pretty good in the long distance relationship and planned that once I was done with that we were gonna move together. He says that he still loves me but that what he did to me is not fair, that the name I started dating years ago was a good guy that was always proud of himself about being a good boyfriend and now he doesn’t wrong why went wrong. He asked me for some break time and when I asked how long I have to wait, he said that he doesn’t know and that I should keep living my life. I still have my personal belongings in his house so anytime I’m gonna have to talk to him about it. I still love him even with what he did to me and I knew he was depressed so I kind of understand but I don’t know what should I do. I’m going back on May 2019.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's likely that the long distance relationship ended up causing him to have other emotional/physical needs not being fulfilled which was why he started talking to someone else which he mentioned was completely out of character for him. I suggest telling him to find himself again and to consider if you think that you could make the situation work until at least when you come back. If not, it might be a better idea to walk away for the time being. Having expectations not being met would cause bigger disappointments and hurt than not having these expectations in the first place.
Sora 6 years ago
I'm currently in the situation where I'm living with my ex so It's impossible to do the no contact rule. I still love her and I want to get her back. Any tips on how can I follow these steps as I live with her? When can I make a move and how?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Start by setting boundaries in terms of space (different rooms, etc) and limit contact where possible. It's best to move out for now of course, but at your earliest date of convenience to give both parties room to properly heal first before you consider reconciliation.
P. Pal 6 years ago
Me and my ex bf broke up due to age issue. He was not aware that I am elder than him. The very day he came to know he broke up with me.He used to love me a lot and we decided to marry also.After break up we were very much in touch with each other. I pleaded him, begged him for 6 months but it was of no use. Finally I have decided to go for NO contact rule. I feel he is involved with some other girl now. I still love him and want to get him back in my life.

Will it be possible? If yes please help me. Its very difficult for me to stay without him
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You'll have to consider if the fact that you were older than his is the primary issue here or if lying to him about your age was, because if it's the age thing and he's firm about it, you'll find it hard to convince him to reconcile since this issue is always going to be around.
Jeremy 6 years ago
(40 year old male/35 year old girlfriend/six year relationship that had two previous breaks) I broke up with my ex girlfriend in April. We lived together a year but fought often over our differences. She’s messy, I am clean. She pushed aggressively for marriage but I wanted to work through some of our problems first. She moved out but we remained in contact because I babysit her 4 year old. In September I made it known I still love her and wanted to try again. But because of the fights and because I was pretty mean to her towards the end she was not interested and moved on. She’s now with a new boyfriend (shoe she says she gets along better with) and possibly living with him. I got therapy and fixed things with myself but made the mistake of coming off as desperate. I sent a couple lengthy emails expressing how much I value her and how things would be different and a good amount of texts. I have since backed off. What do you think is the best course of action considering we broke up on such bad terms? She’s super negative about how she remembers things but when I asked if she would ever consider giving us a chance if things didn’t work out she said she would. What are your thoughts
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  The goal here wouldn't be outwardly asking for a second chance to make things work, but to give her some space for now before reaching out again to remain as friends and building upon new memories from there to replace to old ones, and to give her the chance to see your changes with the potential chance of falling for you again because of it.
Philip 6 years ago
Hey,

my name is Philip and I only wanted to share my story in short. We've been together for almost an year, I never met any other person like her. She's been through some relationships and we both agreed, this was it. I was so sure about us. The more it hurt, still does. I have a lot of bad habits which ruined it: I lied to her, didn't tell a lot of things, that may have hurt her, made us fight. I subconsciously manipulated with her emotions (which I always meant right, wanted shere my own feelings and... it came out like that). I was scared of it and never said the right thing. Always fought as passionate as her, well, if I wasn't so jelouce, If I wasn't so insecure and if I would be 100% honest and trying to make her as happy, as I was... it wouldn't end up with her, screaming "I hate you..!" We texted after and except for me being so desperate, I kind of had a chance to say how sorry am I. So we agreed that in some time, we may talk again, but only if I won't be trying to get her back. I can't believe that she is really happy alone, as she told me, only a month ago we were together and both felt like this is going to last forever.

Do you think that I still have a chance, should I follow tips on this website and try to become a better person, someone who is good enough for her?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  The aim of becoming a better a person is first and foremost aimed towards yourself before anything, and you should develop a mindset where you're okay (emotionally) with whatever happens down the road. As long as you've sincerely worked on yourself and made changes, it would most likely reflect in your actions and behavior when reaching out to her, which in turn is supposed to attract her towards this new 'you' naturally.
Amelia 6 years ago
Hello, my ex and i broke up in Dec 2017 but we were still acting like a couple for the past 9 months. suddenly, he became damn cold towards me and said that he’s seeing someone else. Till today, he blocked me on instagram but is still watching my ig story and it hurts me a lot because i can’t imagine him being together with someone when he just said he still loved me 1 month ago. many of my friends said that she’s a rebound but i’m afraid it might become something serious. i am constantly thinking about him with the new girl and it’s eating me alive. i texted him a few days ago, telling him that i still want us to work but he started blaming me for the break up and said he hates me.

what should i do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  There may be many unresolved feelings he hasn't dealt with since officially breaking up as he continued to distract himself, first with you and subsequently with the new girl. That new person has probably helped him detach himself from the lingering feelings of you since he has someone new to focus on, but if it's genuinely a rebound, it won't be long before he begins to think about you again, especially if since the breakup, you've been spending time focusing on self-improvement and making changes to your life.
Lisa 6 years ago
My boyfriend and i were dating for more than a year and we are still young, we had always had fights and argue a lot and thats why he cheated on me, but we got back together because i decided to give him another chance. after our 1 year anniversary he broke up with me and said "us being together would make you more stressed and we should end it" after that i have been so needy and desperate and he has pushed me away futher, but i know that what we had before our relationship was great, and he truly loved me and gave everything to me. but i know before we dated he was the playboy type to talk to anyone and try to get in with anyone, and i can kind of see it happening now but he says he wont move on, but he clearly started we will never ever be together again, even in the future. what should i do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  The breakup is still relatively fresh and recent, which is why he is adamant about never reconciling at this point. However, if you follow our guidelines and work towards self-improvement while giving both parties space to let go of the breakup, you may be able to re-ignite those feelings when you reach out again after no contact.
Luke 6 years ago
Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up in September a week before our 2 year anniversary and my birthday. I have tried doing no contact but have talked to her a few times and even gotten coffee with her just to chat. I have tried my best to continue on contact but she recently just texted me asking if I would start coming back to church. She said it would be nice to see me at church again. A little context we used to go to church together all the time and are part of a church community that we met at and started dating because of. I really miss going to the church and miss the friends i made there. Should i continue to do no contact? I dont quite know what i should message her in response to her asking me to come back to church without coming off as rude. and I don't want her to think im mad at her by not responding to her at all. What should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could reply her to respectfully let her know that it's a bit early for now, and you would go back when you're ready. However, if your contact with her so far has been positive since the break up and she shows signs of attraction towards you still, perhaps you could consider trying to work things out without actually going through with no contact.
Kim F 6 years ago
Hey Ryan, so my boyfriend of nearly 2 years just broke up with me about a week and a half ago. During this time last year a similar instance happened. I’m his first serious relationship, the first time he admitted to being overwhelmed and not sure if he wanted to continue or not. Over time we worked things out, he came to me and told me he wanted to be with me. Now again, a year later, and a lease signed for a move in date in November, and we are back to being “done”. This time it was in part because my mental health has taken its toll on me and I let it take its toll on my relationship. Of course, he has his issues too. For the first few days he’d still message me, when he came to see me twice he would ask for hugs, hold and embrace me and ask if I’d been seeing anyone. I’m currently doing no contact starting as of yesterday afternoon. I found out from a friend he was on tinder again. I know guys grieve differently than girls, but of course it still hurts.

Also, the lease remains the same for our date because it costs nearly 2 grand to cancel it. I offered him to keep the apartment and I could find a sublease for myself but he said he’d like to share it with me still. I know he cares, I know he’s dealing with matters in his own way, but I don’t know how long to do this no contact period since we still have financial matters coming up with the apartment.
I want to make things work, but I know I want to work on me first.
He still texts me good morning and ask how I’m doing. He’s sent me funny images to “brighten my day.”
I don’t know what messages take when he’s so hot and cold.

What should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Well he could have genuinely meant the breakup, but habits are a little harder to cut off, which is why he still acts similarly at times towards you. However, if you want to win him back, you're going to have to focus on recovery and working on yourself first with as little distraction or setback from him as possible. Living together at right now won't be a good idea until both of you are at least beginning to work on the relationship again.
Ray 6 years ago
Hi!

When starting conversation again You suggest to "Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.".

Could You describe what You mean by "Give her something to think about"?
First conversation was good and it was bit shame to cut it, but it wasn't hard due to no contact, but next part is tomorrow and I don't want to give her something to think about if that something can make me seem needy or open "old wounds".

Hope You understand and can help me here.
Thanks in advance!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Go with a topic that may remind your ex about a positive aspect of the past or a pleasant memory she once shared with you, and potentially something to reminisce or think about.
Adrian 6 years ago
Ryan,

So me and my gf broke up a month ago because I cheated. We have contacted each other a couple of times since the brake up. We even went to get a tattoo together, not something that meant something between us. I want to know what to do, I think and I'm afraid that if I do the no contact rule I will lose her for ever. I want your help with a tip on what to do. I really want her back. I have been needy and done all the mistakes that are described in this article but I'm ready to do the 30 days of no contact if that really helps or gives me a chance of getting her back.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It depends on how she currently responds to you. If it's negative at the moment, then you're going to have to do no contact in order to give her space to let go of what happened. If it's semi-positive or neutral, perhaps reach out to show her your sincere apologies and make it up to her through your efforts in order for her to regain your trust.
Cloud 6 years ago
Hello, my Girlfriend and I Broke up sept 28 2018, before our anniversary. we end our relationship very smoothly but. at the same day. she start calling and texted me. and I answered it.. and after in a few hours. she didn't event answer my call or text. then I persuade her. but i stop it in a few day. then our anniversary (oct.5) I tried to invite her, and give another chance, yet she said no.. I didn't enjoy my getaway. I thought just a glimpse I can forget her or not able to think about her.. but no... after my getaway. I go to her place and beg, to be together again. and I kneel to her. cry like a pathetic loser, and tried to attempt suicide in front of her and hit my head at the wall.. then she mentioned that she already have someone that she like and understand her she kick me out in her place without any sign of emotions and told me that she will call a cop for bothering her.. and I left her and still begging.

please help what should I do
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You should stop begging or acting desperate in wanting her back because all you're doing is pushing her further away and scaring her off. If she really has someone she likes now and intends to pursue it, there isn't much you can do but to go into no contact and start working on recovery first before you even consider an action plan to win her back.
  - Cloud 6 years ago
    Hi Ryan.
    
    Do you think I still have a chance? She already texted me at the same day that she going to Sue for blotter because what I did during that day. And her friends kept texting me to stop bothering her
    
    I already doing the no contact rules and also recovering my self.
    
    Thanks for reply and advise
Paul 6 years ago
Hi, my girlfriend of 3 months finally came over to my home to find out I live with my Mom. She never knew this before. She brought a bottle over, so she clearly wanted to finally have sex with me. We went to a restaurant instead because I told her my Mom is sick and I take care of her. At the restaurant, I was talking to her about log term commitment and marriage possibly. She was recently divorced with kids. I notice she never invites me to functions with her kids. We normally do stuff together with just the 2 of us. She is kind of defiant and rebellious just for the record. So, I get this text 3 days later after she comes over about wanting to break up with me because I want a long term relationship and she wants friends with benefits. I told her I was cool with friends w/ benefits too but she insists on the break up. She has a history of making excuses when she doesn't want to go to an event via text, so I don't know if the marriage questions caused the break up or was it really the mom situation/ her wanting sex. Your thoughts, what should I do to get her back??? How do I know if ever which it was?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It could be either, but I'm leaning towards the long-term commitment issue, especially if she has kids but isn't married - which is proof of a previous failed relationship and that probably caused her to develop trust issues in seeing things. Additionally, you've only been going out with her for 3 months which is a short period to her to trust you enough to let you meet her kids. I suggest giving a week of space before you reach out to perhaps talk to her about this, and ask her why she suddenly decided to call the relationship off.
katherine 6 years ago
my bf of a year and i decided to break up cuz we thought it was the healthiest option we had. we were in a long distance relationship and we both have depression. we talk to therapists once a week. he and i work almost everyday so didnt really get to talk to each other.(we also have like 8 hour time difference) we broke up over a phone call, he said that he stills loves me a lot and misses me. he told me to not delete all those pictures on FB cuz he wont as well and wont try to forget about me. i'm moving to Europe in 3 months(he lives in Europe) and he wants to see me when we close the gap. He said we could try to recover the relationship when we see each other and now we just have to give each other some space to work on ourselves and be stable. 4 days after we broke up, he sent me a message out of the blue asking is i was doing okay. i said i was fine and asked him if he wanted to talk. and he said he just wanted know. i know i have to go no contact at least for a month, but this break up doesnt feel like a real break up to me tbh. it just feels like a break. do i still have to go no contact and ignore his messages when he texts me? i wont initiate any contacts tho.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If it's more of a break rather than a breakup and something you think could be sorted out once you move over, you don't have to go into no contact and instead continue as friends as long as you are able to handle things emotionally to not push him away.
So 6 years ago
Hi! My boyfriend of just under 1 year broke up with me a few days ago. We were the perfect couple, incredibly similar and always had an amazing time together. However there was one issue that popped up time and time again. He wanted to go out clubbing with his friends, but never wanted me to go with him. I felt incredibly neglected and became insecure because I felt like he didn't want to be around me. This would in turn bring about arguments. We broke up in a friendly way, he told me that this decision was breaking his heart but that he didn't see anything changing because the issue kept coming up. He told me I am the best girlfriend he's ever had, and would definitely miss me, but that his decision was made because due to the fighting, he believed he had lost his feelings for me. Further, he believed our similarity was a bad thing, even though we never had any issues or arguments about anything we ever agreed on. Since we broke up we have been in no contact, apart from the day after we broke up where I phoned him crying and sent him a couple of texts trying to convince him that he'd made a mistake. He is incredibly stubborn and I have this feeling that even if he realised he made a mistake, his stubbornness would stop him from reaching out to me. I want him back, and have realised how my insecurities pushed him away. I'm in the process of following all your steps so that I have the best chance of getting him back, because other than this one issue, we are perfect together. My question now, is after so much reflecting I've realised how I contributed to the break up and learnt how I can fix this if we tried again. So I was considering an "elephant in the room" text to let him know how much I've realised and learnt, but I'm worried about appearing desperate which is not my aim. Should I send him a text outlining what I've discovered, but end it in a way where it shows I'm not expecting a response or a second chance? or should I continue my no contact period?
Thanks!!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I think that continuing your no contact for now would be a better idea before sending out the text. It may be too soon to send this without him thinking you have motives because the breakup was still relatively recent. And if the issue for the breakup was because of his clubbing interests, perhaps it might a good idea to let him go through this phase first instead of suppressing negative emotions while in the relationship, since it's usually just a phase that people go through.
  - So 6 years ago
    Hi Ryan!
    Just an update on this situation... So we broke up about 3 weeks ago and I am currently about half way through no contact and last night realised he’d friended a girl on Facebook and Instagram. I am fairly certain they have met and hit it off and are most likely seeing eachother now. However he doesn’t post much so I know he won’t be posting pictures of them together so I will never know for sure what is happening. But... How do I go about reaching out now? Should I stick to the plan I originally had about reaching out once no contact period is done or does something need to change in my plan because of the possibility of him seeing someone?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Until you know for certain, I recommend sticking to your original plan because you don't want to make assumptions and start tip-toeing around this when there isn't a need to.
Meena 6 years ago
My boyfriend broke up with me as he is a single child and a son of single parent.he stays with his mom and she lost her job recently. Nobody works right now at his home and he is studying 2nd year college. His grandma forced him and his mom to leave the house and left them on streets a day. He is frustrated and he States if he is not able to tc of his mom how could he tc of me. He says he doesn't want me to suffer due to his financial instability. I assured I will wait but he doesn't want me to get hurt in the process of waiting and broke up with me. I maintained the no contact period and while that my friend without my permission confronted him and abused him for leaving me.things went worse and he is frustrated and tells people that he doesn't want me and asks people to leave him alone. What should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  There isn't much you can do right now, but continue with no contact to give him some space for now. Give him time to let go of the negative emotions and deal with issues on hand before you reach out again.
Boi 6 years ago
my ex gf just broke up with me and she said she doesnt have the feeling for me. After one month no contact, she admitted that she felf guilty and wanna be friend with me. But i realized she the one who was not there for me. So should i make no contact or admit what she was doing wrong or what? PLS HELP!😭
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It depends on what your goal is - whether to win her back or move on. If it's to win her back you have to ask yourself, by pointing out her faults or ignoring her, would it help with the situation and bring you closer to winning her back? As much as she may have hurt you previously, if you want to get back together with her, you're going to have to first let go of the negative thoughts and avoid harping on them.
Julian 6 years ago
Hey my name is julian and my gf in which i love very dearly i meessed things up very badly, where i had low key neglected her.her and i had been dating for 17 months. We broke up 3 weeks ago and i have been hella clingy. I would message her for over 2 weeks. Then i had talked to her and told her how i would do anything to fix it. She said there us probably a 1% chance of getting back togethershortly after that I was like ok i accepted it. We still follow each other on social media and its obvious she is posting more and more because we dont talk anymore. I am afraid i ruined things for sure. And i really want to get back together with her because i want to marry her.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Go into no contact for now and give both parties some space. Spend this time focusing on yourself and doing things to remain positive. Also, consider what it would take to convince her to give you another chance and start working towards that goal.
Johnn 6 years ago
Hey, I just broke up yesterday with my 5 years relatinship. She wanted to stay as friend and chat like normal. Should I continue chatting or do the no contact? I really wanna get her back and be a better one for her
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Go into no contact for now because remaining friends with an ex right after the breakup (especially one that you want to win back) would never work out. Your emotions and expectations would most probably end up getting in the way and cause her to feel uncomfortable since the breakup is still fresh and affecting you.
Carlos 6 years ago
Hello.. I really need help.. My Ex and I broke 3 weeks ago and we've been in a back and forth, me trying to get her back and she finding out more things that made her be really sure about never going back with me.. I lied to her in a bad way and I hurt her a lot because of my lies... I have apologized several times for that.. Yet I haven't apologized for my attitude after the break up..(We said many emotional things).. Everytime I was apologizing for what I did was trying her to forgive me and get her back... Without understanding her feelings.. I wonder... It has been 3 weeks and I haven't apply the 30 days rules (Wish I saw this earlier)..

I'm planning to write a short apology message such as "Sorry for my attitude after the breakup, now I know this is what's best, wish you luck". And send her some flowers she really loves them... After that immediately I'll enter in the no contact zone for 30 days..

What you think?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I think you should leave a slightly more detailed and heartfelt apology message with an open invitation to eventually remain friends again down the road, before going into no contact. The current one you've typed out felt a little cold and something a person would send before walking away for good.
Pamela 6 years ago
A week or so ago my boyfriend of one year broke up with me, said his feelings just went away, and that he had been feeling that may for a while. We were perfect together, had the same sense of humour, always had a great time together no matter what we were doing, could easily and effectively communicate, etc. We were absolutely infatuated with each other! but there was one issue that came up a few times that we could not seem to fix. This issue was that as much as I understood and agreed that time with friends is so important in any relationship, i justwanted to be more involved in his life sometimes in regards to hanging out with him and his friends, and him hanging out with me and mine and not have him always going out late without including me, every single time. However for some reason he just did not want me to join them, and never wanted to come meet me when I was with my friends, even if they had their partners with them. After yet another discussion about this issue, he just decided he couldn’t compromise and broke up with me instead. Also said that he’s lost feelings for me. I trust completely that there was no cheating involved. I am wondering whether I have a good chance of getting him back in terms of him realising what he had through no contact, because honestly, apart from that we were absolutely perfect together, and I wonder if the same issue coming up a few times is what turned him off, even though I was never suggesting that he stop go out at all.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Even if there was no cheating involved and the relationship seemed perfect, some people just aren't willing to go out of their way to change their lifestyle habits, which seemed like the issue with your ex. If he made no attempt to include you in his personal circle or be part of yours and isn't even willing to compromise, you might want to reconsider if getting back together would be the right thing to do, since this may not change even down the road and you would have to be okay with separately sharing him with his friends and vice versa.
Mel— 6 years ago
Hey Ryan!

So I (F -30yrs) and my bf(27.5yrs) have been dating for 13 months. Unfortunately he brought up to break up recently:” I’m not moving in. I’m not looking for long term.” The thing happened back to September we basically had fights every week although we also celebrated our 1yr anniversary, my bday, and his family being in town all sort of fun stuff in the past one month. I brought up the topic of moving in together two weeks ago since I’m preparing to help my parents with their mortgage. And my bf is studying for an exam and his exam date falls on 10/27. We don’t have a lot of time to hang out that’s why I asked to move in to improve our relationship. Unfortunately all these things add up and stress him out: stupid fights, moving in, exam, etc. he came over to my apt and we talked through to just have it as a break. He replied:” make more friends during this break. Don’t text me at all. I will give you some feedbacks in between but I can’t guarantee we will get back together. I don’t care if you are seeing anyone else. Study is my top priority and I would see someone else if I have time.”
I was being sad in the past few days and would like him to re-visit the ground rules of the break for both of us to make the most out of it instead of treating it as an essential breakup. So I texted him 12msgs within 3days. Finally he replied:” it’s not OK to keep texting me. Stop texting me.” I asked him back:” when will me talk again? I would like to re-visit the ground rules of the break.” He replied:” stop texting me.” I haven’t texted him ever since. It’s hard to hold on. I don’t mind waiting for him until 10/27 when he is done with his exam. The thing is we haven’t set up to be meeting up and talk about it. I checked on line last night. The exam seems hard and only has 15% passing rate. He was stressed out at study/work when he was me.

1, I wonder if it’s ok for me to send a hand-written letter in two weeks to him before his exam with “ elephant in the room” text telling him I understand I didn’t give him enough space and I was being needy. And I would like to work on myself during this break. And I would like to get together after he is done with the exam.
2, how can I get him back during this break? When we first dated, he said: “ I’m not looking for a relationship.” But we ended up being together, creating so many great memories, traveling, outdoors, visiting his family and friends. And we did buy our tickets to see his family this year for Xmas.
3, can I text him during this break? I miss him and I hope he isn’t seeing someone else.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I understand your urge to remain in contact with him for fears that he might move on but right now, it would be better to give him some space to breathe while you spend this time making positive self-improvements and working on the issues that caused the relationship to fall apart. The constant fighting could have caused him to re-examine the decision to remain serious and committed to the relationship, especially if he wasn't happy anymore. You're going to have to identify the root cause of the fighting, and avoid taking the same steps again. If you still want to send the letter out, I think it would be fine but avoid contacting him before and after you send the letter out.
Lauren 6 years ago
My girlfriend and I were together for three years and we got into a fight after I had asked if she saw me in her future. She suffers from severe anxiety and that question caused a lot of anxiety to spike. I pushed way too hard to get a response and I pushed her away as a result. My neediness and insecurity forced my best friend, the person that made me become a better version of myself, someone who made me feel like I could do anything, out of my life. I started no contact on September 20th and asked her to mail me my stuff on the 16th before then. I was really a mess and she ended up blocking me on all social media because of it. She still follows my sisters and cousin however and at a family wedding she looked at my sisters snapchat story which she saw me on in every single picture. I am confused as to what this means but I only got my stuff in the mail today, October 4th and she sent it on Tuesday the 2nd. I want to reach out to her and thank her for sending it and I want to be able to apologize for my behavior after the break up. I know I hurt her and I do not expect a response or even to get back together, I simply would like to be on speaking terms right now. But I do not know if it is 1, too soon to contact her and 2, if what I am writing sounds stupid or not...I am not the best writer and I used to send her my papers for what I called stupid check (shes brilliant and has phenomenal grammar). I am 21 and she is 24, we started dating in her senior year of college and my freshman year and became long distance. She met my family many times and my whole family loved her. She would come stay with us over the summer for a week at a time as well as for a week after Christmas. I definitely made mistakes but I just need some advice before approaching her. Any help I can get would be so useful.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Since you started no contact in late September, it would probably be better to wait another week at least before you reach out to thank her for sending your stuff. You could use that opportunity to start a conversation with her and if she responds positively, continue towards building up a level of comfort and attraction between the two of you again. Use the guidelines in our other articles to help you along your way.
Chloe 6 years ago
Me and my ex boyfriend has been dating for 4 months when I got pregnant with his first child. I instantly didn’t want the baby because I was afraid or had fear that he would leave me like my first baby father. He has a hard time expressing himself and communicating so I didn’t know until now that I truly broke his heart when I aborted our baby! I want to make things better and get a second chance with being him but he says it broke him! Then he started talking with this other female of course me being jealous and her because he was barely their for me emotionally after the abortion I slapped and hit him a few times out of hurt/emotion of him moving on so fast ! I know to follow the guidelines but I’ve asked him multiple times what are we doing where are we going with this, and he says I’m being pushy and pressuring him to be back with me. And I do not want him to do that .. I want him to make his decision based off the love he had for me in the beginning but I also don’t want to come second to the female he is dealing with. How do I fall back and careless about us getting back together? Or should I just move on completely knowing that I broke his heart after aborting our baby? He said it was worse than someone cheating on him. I’m just so confused
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Right now, he probably feels overwhelmed by your actions which resulted in him feeling that you were pushy. I suggest taking a step back for now and go into no contact. Spend this time picking yourself up emotionally and mentally, and focus on doing things to keep yourself happy in the meantime. You could reach out again sometime down the road in a more casual manner if you feel ready, and this means to avoid having expectations and being okay with whatever happens.
Anne 6 years ago
Hi i just broke up with my bf and he came back and say sorry swear to change but i totally shut him off I'm still ego than i realize that i need him over everything. And I'm begging him this time but he already had a rebound love. I came to him and he said he love me things could change if i admit earlier. Cause he said he cant leave that girl bcs he isnt that type of man that leave girl when he already give hope. But before i go back he give me a ring. And i dont know how to react. And he even contact ne until now. Saying if i found someone new and have i still wearing the ring. I was like, what's the point all of this? Do he love me still or not. And i dont understand what should i do. I want him back but I'm not sure what to do. So pls help 😭
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If he’s with a rebound right now, then yes there’s a good chance his actions reflect his feelings for you. However at this point, it might be a good idea to focus on yourself and let him go through his rebound before you reach out any further.
Sarah 6 years ago
Hi, my on and off boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I'm a single mom. He was always there for my kid since she was born.but I cheated on him with the kids father. I made a stupid mistake he lost trust and broke up with me over suspecting I had cheated again I haven't. Idk what to do. I know he has another girl he's talking to. And his mom says he comes home late like 3am. I love him. We were talking marriage or moving in together before he dumped me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Give him some space for now, before you try reaching out again. When you do, Convince him to give you another chance and that you’ll make it up to him and that he’s important to you.
paras pruthi 6 years ago
I just had a break up a week ago with my girlfriend.I broke up with her on her birthday thats the saddest part but2days later i realized how badly i want her in my life but she has become very cold hearted and saying that she wants to stay single and is very happy to be single.She also said that she has moved and asked me to do the same .But i still want her very badly because we were in a relationship for three years just because of my continuos anger ,insecurities and over possesiveness i have hurt her very badly.What should I do to get her back.please guide me and help me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Give her some space, and follow our 5-step plan in picking yourself up and winning her back.
Matt 6 years ago
So my girlfriend dumped me 4 days ago. She said that she has been unhappy for awhile and that I cant fix it. I know she loves me and I cherish her more than life. But she keeps saying she doesnt know what she wants and that she needs time away to find happiness. I was upset so I did message her quite a bit and sent her flowers. After reading this I have stopped talking to her to give her time. I will do anything it takes to win her back. We were together 2 and a half years. Do I still have a chance and if so what should I do and when will will it be okay to message her to begin talking again?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  There’s a chance but you’ll still have to give her some space and respect her decision before reaching out again, otherwise you’ll only push her away.
Charlie Barnes 6 years ago
Hey Ryan,

I need help. My girlfriend and I were together for 2.5 years and I believe the relationship was really strong. We did have fights but I was convinced she was head over heels for me as she has expressed that several times. However, she dumped me a few weeks ago and I took the breakup pretty hard (I.e. begging, pleading, low self-esteem, etc.) well over the last few weeks, we have had a few instances where we would hang out and continue to have sex and confess our love for each other and she’s admitted serval times that she loves me and misses me and that I’m all she wants, yet she’s afraid to be with me to get hurt? She’s also admitted to seeing other people in the three week period to avoid dealing with the grief of the relationship. I’m on day 4 of no contact and ive told her before i started that I’m no longer gonna be her doormat for her emotional support and that I’m not longer going to wait for her; however, I secretly do want to wait for her because I believe we’re supposed to be together, just not right now.

I guess I’m asking, what should I do? Continue no contact? Should I wait?

I really love her and I really believe she loves me too but she’s confused.

Please help.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Continuing contact with her right now may only hurt you further, especially when she’s at the stage of being unsure and you’re still hurting. Beginning no contact right now seems like a good idea as you’ve mentioned and as to whether you should wait, that’s a decision you have to make. I think you’ll be able to get a clearer idea of what path to take once you’re more emotionally stable again and hurting less.
Alex Molina 6 years ago
Hello, My GF of 3 months just broke up with me. We really liked each other, but I made a mistake of kissing another girl 2 weeks into college. She's back home and I think she just started seeing someone. I really like this girl is there any way I could potentially get back with her? I'm assuming she has lost all trust in me and since I'm miles away at college that she will easily forget about me, but I don't really know.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  She may not easily forget about you, especially since most of the memories of the two of you as a couple would be at your hometown before you went to college. However you’ll still need to give her some space before reaching out again. At least enough time to see if her current relationship is a rebound and whether she can move past this incident.
Jamel 6 years ago
Hey Ryan, thanks for your answer before, just to let you know I failed to reach the 30 days no contact.. We spoke and we fight again.. This time it was even worst.. I cheated on her on a one time thing (Worst mistake of my life I swear) she knows and I decided to come clean to her, thing is for me lying to her she says it is too late for us to get together again or to trust each other again.. I show her the journal I was writing on her name with everything I'm feeling.. She understood a bit better but the bottom line is that she doesn't want anything to do with me again.. Fact is, I would do whatever it takes for a chance with her, I love her and I was really idiot to to what I did, I owned it and I admitted, Apologized to her 100x times, yet I completely understand where she is coming from and why she doesn't want anything to do with me..

Cheating is bad and on my 25 years it is the first time it happened to me in a relationship. I was the one always cheated on. I would never incur in such behavior again. Wish she would know...

Fact is I lied to her about the one time thing before. Now she knows all the truth...

If I start from 0,is there a way the 30 day rule can work ok this situation?

I would do what it takes even if I have to spent my whole life making up for my decision.
Victoria 6 years ago
Hi! Last month, my boyfriend of 2 years moved out of state to finish his last year of school. We agreed to make an LDR work. It was hard, but we had so many trips planned to visit each other and were madly in love - a year apart didn’t seem that bad. He began struggling with depression. Last week he broke up with me, asking for space to get the help he needs. He told me that he was 100% sure he’d be back for me when he was ready, and made multiple remarks about me being his future wife. I felt at peace - we had a kind and mutual breakup, and there was hope for a future. Four days later he has found a brand new girl and is proudly flaunting her on social media. I kindly confronted him about it, and he ignored me. I then blocked him on social media (not wanting to see them happy), and now he is angry. Why would he promise a future with me, if he has her? Why is he angry at me for blocking him? What do I do? I miss him, and it kills me to see him so happy with her.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It sounds like his new girlfriend is merely a rebound and a way for him to not have to deal with the emotions and pain of going through a breakup. You can read more about rebound relationships in this article.
Jimmy 6 years ago
Hey! First of all I would like to thank you for all the help you are giving out to people in times of serious difficulties.

I have troubles to interpret what's going on my ex mind!

A short background:

We where together for 3 years and a half, intensive years as it was my first serious relationship and we have been living together since the beginning almost ,we really spent all our time together since the beginning!
but she always complained that I didn't love her and that she had more feelings towards me than I had to her, we used to fight over small things and generally it was either Paradise or Hell in our relationship.
She broke with me many times but like for a couple days as our love was infact really powerful.
Now she broke with me again but this time for good,probably 2 months.
After the first days where she was clearly "hating" me for forcing her to stop this toxic relationship, we got close again..everything has been wonderful between us when we had no expectations towards each other and we had sex many times.
She till told me that she knows she will regret her choice and that she will never find someone as good looking and smart as me, that our complicity was amazing etc etc.lot of cuddles and eye staring lately.
Then she stopped as she is clearly scared of getting too close again, she said she still has a strong attraction to me but she doesn't love anymore and this behaviour is only hurting us.

In the next days she will move out so I will start the no contact, do you think it could really be that she just wanted to have sex with me??
I rather think she is scared I will be the same old person who makes the same errors if she give it another chance and she suffered so much in those years, I saw her cry way too many times.
Why would she tell me I am such an amazing person and sleep on my chest if she has no feelings for me?
Am I missing something?

Thanks again
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Yeah, it seems more of the case where she's conflicted between falling for you again and stopping herself from getting to close for fear of getting hurt. Sex comes naturally along with emotions and feelings which she may be currently confused on what she should do next.
  - Jimmy 6 years ago
    i read all the material here, i started no contact and i am working hard on improving myself, meditating every day and signed up to the gym etc etc.
    Even if i told her that i needed space and that there was no space for her in my life at the moment,she kept contacting me almost every day.
    She invited me to go to her place and then go out together to a dinner of friends we have in common but i did not reply, which made her upset i think. I did not want to run at her place as soon as she invited me to not show myself as needy..
    But on the following day i contacted her and i visited her quickly.. i could see from the hugs and other things that she misses me.
    
    I think i will go back to no contact as seeing her again made me loose all the progress i did on myself..
    What you think? at this point no contact is still the best thing to do??
    
    thanks a lot!
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Based on her actions, do you think she has intentions of reconciling or is simply filling an empty void whenever she has thoughts of you? If it's the former, then you could consider stopping no contact and building upon the romantic interests once again.
      - Jimmy 6 years ago
        So, we met each other 2 times and on both occasions we had such a great time.. we ended up having sex and sleeping together and laying there cuddling and telling each other how beautiful we are, how amazing we are and talking about all the wonderful memories we had together in those 4 years.
        
        On the following day on both occasions she said she doesn want a relationship with me anymore as she suffered too much, even though we will always love each other ( love as lovers, not love as simple affection, we have 2 different words for that in our language and she used the one about lovers ) .
        i told her we should stop seeing each others and i am going back to no contact for atleast a month.
        
        do you think she just needs to remove the bad memories of the difficult times when i was disrespectful to her? ( i was kind of depressed and i was toxic with myself and people around me )
Anne 6 years ago
My boyfriend and I were together almost a year, we were planning on moving in together with each of our kids, but he backed out at the last second. We spent 6 months apart. Recently he talked to my brother and told him that he loved me, but he said his kids didn't want the move in and he didn't think he had the patience for it. He told my brother he wanted ME but doesn't see a path for us. We are having coffee next week - our first meet up, at his suggestion, but I feel like he is sort of doing it out of obligation. He loves me, he wants me, but he doesn't want the family aspect of it and frankly, I would rather have him in my life that way, than not at all. How do I go about the meet-up, when I know what he is going to say since my brother told me, and give him space but show him that there might be a path for us that we haven't explored? It is a delicate balance of not being pushy, but planting the seeds. HELP!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  In that case, you just have to rebuild the path so that he is able to see it again, but start things slow and take it a step at a time.
sam 6 years ago
I accidentally upset my ex gf yesterday the second day after no contact. I apologized and she read that but now she's not answering to my apologies.. Do I try to initiate the conversation again today or should I wait until she does? If it's the latter then what to do if she doesn't?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Wait for a week or so before attempting to reach out. Don't do it too soon or it might only make her angrier.
Matt 6 years ago
I have a question that I'm struggling to find the answer to. About 2 days into no contact my ex asked me to come by and pick up some of my stuff I left behind at her place. Around 5 days in she found someone had searched for porn websites in the browser search history on her PS3. She accused me and wanted an explanation, though I am certain it wasn't me. I don't watch porn, let alone on my gf's playstation. I didn't reply on both occasions, and haven't heard from her since. I'm coming up on 30 days soon, and I've drafted a couple elephant letters. So my question is: Do I address these false allegations in the letter? Or simply ignore them and address them only if they come up again in the future? I feel like both options have potential pros and cons, so I need a deciding factor. Thanks :)
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I would suggest bringing it up first, before she brings it up and whatever response you counter with would merely make you look defensive.
Mandy Tremblay 6 years ago
I need some advice please. I have read numerous articles online about breakups and "getting your ex back". I haven't found one yet that pertains to our situation. We are 40yrs old. We were together a year and a half then lived together for nearly a year. Been friends for past 15 yrs. I moved away and we kept a long distance relationship for 6 months.
I started dating someone new first (to fill the void). It was a horribly (nonphysical) abusive relationship.
My ex started dating as well. We had little to no contact for 8months. I reached out to him about 3 months after I was finally able to get out of my nightmare relationship.
I recently visited home. We met up with each other, talked, laughed, cried, slept together, agreed we still have a deep intimate connection, & we want to be together. However, he is still with the girl he has been dating for months. He does not love her and is afraid to end a good thing and take a chance with me, even though he knows that we can make this work and be better than before. I am moving back home in a few months, not for him, for me. All of my family and friends of the last 40 years are at home. What am I supposed to do? We love each other, want to be together, and eventually we'll be living in the same town again. But he's with her, this is my worst nightmare
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Give him some time to consider the situation and where his feelings lie. Currently things are freshly ignited with you but there hasn't been enough consistency for him to consider making the switch yet since he doesn't have anything more than a spark to go on, and isn't worth the risk in his opinion yet.
Aisha 6 years ago
Hi,
I love my Ex so much, but he says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at this moment, I clearly asked him if He's Saying NO to me. He replies saying, NO as of now, but don't expect me to give a word.
He says that he was not comfortable being at his trueself with me. we were in a relationship for 3 years and now he says this.He's way too inconsistent about his thoughts and gives a list of reasons for the break up and he wants to be only FRIEDS with me at least for a while. it's been almost 4 months since we broke up, I've been pleading him all this while and today I decided to Start No Contact period for at least 2 - 3 months until December. Kindly help me in getting him back. I'm very much serious about this guy.Also please Suggest me if i'm doing it right.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You might want to consider personal coaching with me if you require a specific game plan on winning him back, otherwise, go through no contact as read and apply positive changes to your life while getting yourself to an emotional state where you're okay with whatever happens. The only way you win him back is by making those changes in your life and figuring out what went wrong in the relationship that made him feel that he couldn't be himself and the reason he might have lost the spark for you which further reinforced his decision. Also, no more pleading and begging for him back.
Mike 6 years ago
This is eerily similar to the EX2 System, but can yield results. As an actual person that's used the method, I got stunning results after only a week, however, I should have pushed it out another week and it would have been much more effective and could have resulted in us getting back together, rather than meeting up and having sex in my Mustang one last time.

There are 3 major components here:
1. No contact
(builds immense tension and can relieve negative emotions)
2. Rebuilding
(putting the focus back onto yourself, primarily your health. Work out, it's the BEST thing you can do for yourself)
3. Acceptance of Reality
(The underlying point this article/system is hidden between the lines. It's meant to craft you into a confident person, ever deeper than that, it's actually preparing you to be able to ACTUALLY move on. With this new found image and confidence, you may discover that time spent with a person doesn't justify their actions, and you may see that there are better matches out there, and you're now prepared.)

Going through the strangest break up at the moment as me and my ex mutually broke up because after 3 years, we both noticed she has no desire for penetration. The day after, we hung out to help her get parts for her car, ended up back at my place having the greatest sex we've ever had. She says that she doesnt feel the relationship pressure to do things perfectly and feels unhinged, but states that she wants to be FWB with a chance of getting together in the future. This is when I chose to use no contact. If we can have amazing sex with penetration after that, I'd like to see what 2 weeks or a month can lead to in terms of long term.

The best part of this "system", is that it's not just for people that have broken up or may break up, it's a great checklist to keep yourself in check.
Demetria 6 years ago
Together for 3yrs.My ex broke up with me. He and his girfrind broke up and he contacted me. We are messsaging each other and hanging out. He said that that's why we were hanging out to see if he had feelings for me. I don't like that he can't give me an answer if he wants me back or not.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Instead of worrying about whether he has feelings for you still or not, why not spend the time hanging out, having fun, flirting, and re-creating those feelings on your own accord? Emotions aren't set in stone and can easily waver, so it's up to you to take the first step in not letting what he thinks affect you, but doing something to try to get the result you want.
Jess 6 years ago
Me and my boyfriend went on a break last Monday (17th). Since then he text me on the Tuesday(18th) asking if I was okay. I text him every day since that tuesday to see how he was. On Tuesday this week he text me saying he had made his decision, and that he couldn't do it anymore. After he text me this we met up and he broke up with me. I text him yesterday morning to check he slept okay. I read this article last night and started my no contact then. Now today as I haven't text him, he has text me. Advice?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  He is probably still not used to the idea of not having you completely in his life, hence the habit of continuing to text you. It might be a good idea to tell him that you require some time to process and deal with the emotions of the breakup before continuing with NC.
Cooper Donovan 6 years ago
Hi.
My gf of 5 years broke up with me a month ago. We are both 21. She said that she has lost feelings and doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore. She didn’t feel like a priority in my life and that i was not there a lot of the time. I know that i had been very insecure(because of my previous relationship) and unwittingly took her for granted over the past few months(work/college commitments). She loved me to bits and i did too but i’ve really hurt her.

After our breakup she insisted that we stay friends. I agreed. I tried my best to be normal/casual/happy but every night after talking for 2-3 hours on call, i used to start asking her to try again to which she said no because she is very happy now and feels lighter. 2 weeks in and it had become too difficult for me to accept that she sees me as just a friend. I met up with her and told her that i have to walk away(total NC). We both cried and she told me she loves me and hopes “that we can be there for each other again when this is not between us”(I’m assuming she meant as friends).

Unfortunately, that night itself my grandfather passed away and she was the only one i could talk to for comfort. We spoke for a week but then i realised that i will never feel better if i keep talking.

I’ve been in NC now for about 10 days. I miss her a lot. I try to keep myself occupied by studying, going to college, playing, gymming etc but she’s always on my mind. I want her back but I don’t feel like contacting her right now as this is a very crucial time for me(MBA preparation) and talking to her just hurts me.

I’m worried that she will move on during this period(new job, new people, she’s having fun and is very happy) and even if she doesn’t, idk if i have any chance of getting her back if she doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and is happy without me.

I’m really turning my life around. I’m making changes that i never thought i could. I’m working on my issues and i want to be the best version of myself for myself. But i really want her by my side. She adds a lot to my life.

Idk what to do.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Remember that whatever you're going through now to pick yourself up, if you try winning her back as well, you're going to end up subconsciously dumping your emotional needs and baggage on her which would probably cause her stress and unhappiness. If you want ot win her back, you should do so when you're at good place emotionally and mentally. It doesn't matter if she moves on right now, because if you have genuinely worked on yourself and improved aspects of your life, you'd still stand a chance to win her over down the road.
  - Cooper Donovan 6 years ago
    Hey Ryan.
    Thanks for your reply.
    
    Update: She called last night but I didn’t pick up. I asked a mutual friend to find out if it’s an emergency and turns out that she was just missing me. However, she told her that she does not see a future with me and doesn’t want to change things. She said that she will not call me again.
    
    What do i make of this? Is it possible to change her mind?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      As your ex, she definitely still has her own end of emotions to deal with from losing you, even if she initiated it. She would miss you from time to time it's normal, and you shouldn't get your hopes too high from these actions. Reach out again and take it a step at a time to reconnect with her.
      - Cooper Donovan 6 years ago
        Hey Ryan,
        
        I reconnected with my ex after NC. We’ve been texting and talking a lot and for hours and have even been out thrice. All interactions have been positive. She even asked me out to dinner in a couple of weeks and wanted to go on a trip with some mutual friends next month. Last night we spoke and she said that she doesn’t think we can ever get back together even though i have changed so much for the better. She says she has completely forgiven me, she wants me in her life and freaks out over the thought of me not being there but she can’t get over the process she went through of falling out of love and breaking up. She said she is not strong enough to look over and forget what happened.
        
        What should i do?
Hannah 6 years ago
So me and my boyfriend were together for a year, but before that, we had been talking for a year so we’ve been a big part of each other’s lives for a little over 2 years. Well, we were a VERY happy couple and we loved each other very much. He was the sweetest person in the world but things started to go downhill. He broke up with me and since then, he has been rude to everyone, sometimes including me. I want to try the no contact period but we snapchat, not text so if he snapchats me, he will see that i opened it. I’m not sure if we still have a chance because after we broke up we wanted to get back together in a few weeks and he even told his friends he wanted to get back together. But soon he blew up at me and ever since, things have been shaky. We didn’t talk for 8 days until he finally snap chatted me an told me that in his art class, they were doing clay and it that it brought back so many memories for him. (for christmas he made me a beautiful pot made out of clay with my initials and a heart around them). I’m not sure what to do or think anymore.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It seems like he needs to reconsolidate his thoughts right now, and you need some breathing room to figure out the next steps. No contact seems like the right thing, and it might be better to avoid opening his Snapchats for the time being.
Marc 6 years ago
Hi - I've been dating a wonderful woman for over 12 years. For the most part, everything was fine but I took her for granted. I was regularly late, my house was a mess and I wasn't always at my best. Never was physically or mentally abusive. I have two kids, not hers, who she loves and I know they love her. My daughters are now 25 and 18 so they've been part of her life for most of their lives. It's been a long month without her and I'd love to know what I can do to fix things with her. I've tried to give her the 30 days away deal and have tried to stay away from her to give her some time.

How do I get get her back? I firmly believe that we are soulmates and can live a long a happy life together. We're both 59.

Marc
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's unlikely that given the length of the relationship, she would move on so quickly. Use this time to give her space while working on making those changes that would not only improve her views of you but also yourself as a person. Show her these changes and prove to her from there that you're worth a second chance after. Remember to use actions and not words as she would be tired of hearing words at this point, and avoid getting desperate or needy if she initially pushes you away.
Jasmin Colon 6 years ago
So I’d like to preface this by saying I’m a woman and my ex-fiancée is a woman as well. I do find most of this page to apply, but it is challenging having two women with all of that emotion and overthinking. I’ve finished with the no contact period after my ex broke up with me, and contacted her with my “elephant in the room” message. I know she’s in the “missing phase” from texts she’s sent me, and thought it was the perfect time to send it. I am in a good place and am feeling more positive every day. I was prepared for the possibility of her responding, and how to close the conversation before giving her a few days of digestion. However, I was not prepared for her response. My message included: an apology for my behavior after the breakup, that I accepted the breakup and think it was for the best, and my positive change. Her response was “I’m glad you’re doing well. I’m not.” I’m thrown off by this, because I’m almost worried that she’s under the impression I’m moving on (although I never said anything of the sort), and she seems almost upset at my message. I’m unsure on how to respond to this- hoping you can offer me some advice. I could be totally overthinking this, but we were together for five years and I know her very well and can decipher texts. But now that we’re broken up, I could just be analyzing too much. Please help! I really don’t want to screw this up :)
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Of course she would be mildly upset at the message. No one likes to hear that their ex is doing better than them at coping with the breakup. Except in other male-female relationship, usually the affected party would tend to be less vocal about their own plight so as to not come across as petty about winning the breakup.
Samantha 6 years ago
Hi, I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years and he just broke up with me almost 2 months ago. At first it was a bad break up then we started talking again, we ended up having sex and talked maybe a day or 2 after but now he’s given me the cold shoulder. I decided to start the no contact rule today, any other suggestions on what to do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Right now, no contact and spending this time to work on personal issues as well as personal happiness is the best advice you can get. If he's giving you the cold shoulder, reaching out any further will only push him away. Additionally, given the length of the relationship, you need to spend this time picking yourself up from the breakup, addressing the issues you felt contributed to it, and getting yourself to the right place emotionally before you even consider reaching out or trying to win him back.
D 6 years ago
Hi Kevin do you answer questions ?
I had been following you advice with no contact for just over a week we broke up 5 week ago but had spoken in the time between and suddenly tonight my ex has deleted me of all social media.
I asked her why and told me she doesn't want to see any thing I'm doing even though I have not posted anything.
I feel it's a loosing battle now!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It could simply be an ongoing dilemma or conflict she's facing between thinking of you and wanting to move on, resulting in her sudden actions of deleting you off social media so as to not be reminded. If you've reached out since no contact and this is her given response, it might be a good idea to actually give her a little more space before trying to reach out again.
Jamel 6 years ago
Hello.. I know you get many messages and this is probably a long shot to get an answer but I would try... I'm currently starting the phase of no contact after a really bad break up, I made a bad decision and ended up betraying her trust and lied to her badly, I regretted as you have no Idea and I really love her and would do anything in the world to get her back and make it up for my decision.. She broke up with me..

I'm 2 days into no contact after writing to her always after she broke up with me, I'm writing everything down in a journal to avoid talking to her and working the things I failed to fix them when I'm ready for her..

I admitted everything to her but she doesn't want to give me another chance ever.... Do you think after the trust is lost, after I broke her heart.. Following this tips is really worthy on that circumstance?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  There's always a chance to win her back, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Spend this time focusing on yourself and improving aspects of your life that can be worked on, essentially, become an improved version of yourself. Regaining her trust is definitely no easy task, but as long as you are consistent in your effort and the relationship she shared with you was a meaningful one, there's always a possibility where she comes around.
Elizabeth 6 years ago
I've been with my ex for a few happy months, and during which, we were not officially a couple ( though everyone around us assumed we were), because he also had a long-distance relationship that's been going on for a year. He mentioned that they were also 'just dating' as she's not his girlfriend, and I allowed it to happen then, hoping he would choose me.

6 months down the road, and I made him choose, and he chose her. When questioned, he said he would not change anything about me, but if only I had met him earlier.

We tried to be friends for 3 weeks because I missed him terribly and I thought it helped me (and him) manage the pain as we text and call all the time, but last weekend, we ended up kissing and making out. I called him to ask him what this means, and if he is standing by his decision to be with the other woman, and he says he has no comment on his decision as he's equally as confused himself.

It was then that I started NC (I had to tell him what I was going to do because we call and text so often). I'm hoping that this will work because I do want him back, but he seemed very unhappy (and slightly angry) when I told him that his actions are confusing me but he cannot make a decision on which girl to go for. And honestly, I was hoping during this NC, he will learn how to live without me (and vice versa). However, this situation is different as he has another girl to console him. Will this still work out happily for me?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you had genuinely meant something to him, even her consolation would not be enough to fill the void that was lost between you and him. This is something only time will tell, and you made the right decision as it wasn't fair to you that he was going about confused and having the best of both worlds, hurting and confusing you in the process. It'll definitely work out happily for you, whether you end up with him or not, because you made the decision not to cling onto something toxic, and while it may hurt now, in the long run, you'll be happy to know that you made the right decision to free yourself from it.
Isaac 6 years ago
Hello. My ex and I have been together for 5 months and it was the happiest for both of us. He'd tell me how perfect I was and etc and I reciprocated and I was telling the truth. It was a really healthy relationship and were always ecstatic to see each other.

So it was a deadly suprise that all of the sudden he texted the day after we both said good night and how we love each other, saying he had confusing feelings about the relationship and a few hours later ended it over text saying that he doesn't want to lose me and he "loves me a lot" and that if we continued it would increase our chances of getting into a huge arguement and ending our relationship in a horrible way. So he ended it and we ended in a good way like he wanted and remained friends because he doesn't want to lose me.

That's all I could've got from the text, but i still don't know what caused him to end our relationship, but we could never know whats going on inside their head.

Now its been 2 months and we text daily and i did no contact for 2 weeks. However, he doesn't text me as often anymore (30 - 10 hours for a reply), hang out with me, or ask me to hangout with him like it was during our post break up before I went no contact. Now I feel like he has moved on and lost me because he is always with friends and never reaches out to me. Should I move on too or still try to get him back and rebuild what was lost?

We still haven't went to hangout together yet, so i figure that's the cause. What should I do to figure out the cause of the old relationship to end? I felt like his fears of the future and overthinking caused him to do what he did, and that he thinks we wouldn't spend as much time together than before. Is there still hope?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Honestly, beyond speculating at this point, the best way would still be to try and reach out to have an honest conversation with him. At least it'll help with closure and giving you an indication of what to do next rather than basing your plans off guesswork.
Reneka 6 years ago
So my ex start giving me back NC also. What do i do. How do i break the ice with him without losing my power.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If he is giving you no contact, then you should know that he will reach out at the end of it. You could simply wait for him to do so since pushing for replies now would definitely make you look needy.
Alicat 6 years ago
Hi, I’m currently going through the painful process of a messy breakup. I actually did a few of not all the mistakes from step number one(mostly because he didn’t even wait 24hrs after our breakup to start talking to other girls..) Eventually, he texted today that he was sorry from the bottom of his heart and if he had it his way he would still date me but he also said that we just need to stop talking completely for “both of a sakes” because I was “too invested in him” . He said that he was a burden and I although I do love him, and I would only like to be with him later on. I want to do this. I just don’t know if I’d be blocked by the time I do end up contacnting (maybe a couple months from now). I read this article, and it honestly helped me a lot. A lot of these, I had already thought about but this just reinforces that this is what I should do to heal myself. Thank you for it!
Green 6 years ago
Cant buy The Ex Back Permanently Advanced System.
Link doesnt work . why ?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You can use this link to make the purchase.
sam 6 years ago
Hi. I'm in no contact and eventhough I told her I needed space and wouldn't text anymore, my ex has been messaging me a few times. I'm starting to worry that if I keep ignoring that she'll be mad at me. And that when no contact is over and I contact her she might take revenge and ignore me as I did to her. What do I do? Do i restate that I still need some time for myself? Or do I just keep ignoring?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Depends on how long you've gone with no contact at this point. If it's close to the end, you could consider breaking it if you think that her attempts at reaching out is a sign of wanting to reconcile.
CJ 6 years ago
No where in this article is there mention about being blocked! How am I to contact my ex girlfriend after 30 day no contact if she blocked me from Facebook, instagram, phone calls, and text messages? I had to make a fake Facebook to find out that she is in a possible rebound relationship! I recently, a day before starting no contact sent her two positive emails not even mentioning us getting back and she responded to both emails : Leave me the fuck alone!!! Leave me the fuck alone!!!! I know exactly why she broke it off and I do have all of the reasons as to why if back with her it will work for the both of us. My way of thinking has changed drastically. We haven't been together since August 21st and on her birthday which was the 10th of September I delivered 29 roses and 29 balloons with a card and a three page letter and it still wasn't enough. She can be very stubborn and it's a good chance that someone close to her is filling her head up by instructing her to move on and block the thought of me! So I have no choice but to do the 30 day no contact rule. However, if I'm blocked from reaching out to her in every way possible, the only option would be to pop up at her job or home which to me would be very stalkish!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If she has you blocked, avoid doing anything that gives her further reason to push you away, such as stalking, or pestering her. Unfortunately, in these circumstances, no contact will have to continue until she forgives you or lets some of the negative emotions go and unblocks you. Her reaction also seems clear that she's not ready to face you yet and is still mad at you. Until then, anything else you do will only cause more anger and resentment from her.
Shikha 6 years ago
Hey hii i am really sorry in advance to be asking this question , hopefully you wont judge me on this : I was dating a guy who is married , we were in living in for 2 years and deeply in love .

Some how his wife caught him . He got scared of society and chose her over me .

Even after which he had been in connection with me but i feel now he is not responding well to me . Does this theory of no contact implement on such complex situations as well .
Because i feel motivated with the article but donno what to do

Thanx
Shikha
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Hi Shikha, no judgement here but I do have to caution you in such situations that while it was no fault of yours for falling in love with him, more often than not in these situations, the married person would usually choose their wives due to the complications that follow if they decide to get a divorce. It becomes simpler to work their marriage out than to risk losing everything in the process.
  
  If you're mentally prepared for that, no contact is the most appropriate action for now, but it would typically be longer than the usual 30 days. You'll probably have to do no contact and take the risk of letting him work his marriage out, and if it fails a second time, that's when you reach out to be there for him.
Maria 6 years ago
Hello! So my ex boyfriend broke up with me officially 16 days ago. We're both 27, by the way. 10 days prior he told me that he needed time alone and that he was not in a good place. I was supposed to meet him that day (we live in different cities, but only one hour apart), and I asked if I could still come, or if he never wanted to see me again.

He said that he never said that, but he would prefer not to see me for at least a few days. I texted him two days later saying that I understand and he should take his time and he responded with thank you xx. I did not reach out for 10 days and then I texted him asking him to tell me what was on his mind.

He replied instantly and said that it's not my fault and that he feels he can not be in a relationship right now. I asked for an explanation and to tell me what was going on in his life, he said he didn't want to talk in detail, it was about the way he felt in general, work, the kid (he has an 8 year old son) and that I never did anything wrong. He apologised and I said take care.

I never texted him, we met on tinder and had been dating for 5 months. I met his entire family, his close friends and he met mine. My birthday was two weeks before the break and he brought me a heart necklace with diamonds on it (it took him a while to find a present he liked), I know he has feelings for me, he said so himself, but I am so confused.

A part of me says he will be back, another one feels he will not, I just don't know. Should I add his best friend's girlfriend on Facebook? She did tell me her Facebook, but then this happened and I did nothing. I know his friends and family like me. We were good together but the last time he was a bit distant.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I don't see the harm in adding her regardless of what happened since her friendship with you has nothing to do with your ex. It seems like the breakup was caused by something external and not completely involving you such as stress and an overthinking on his part.
Sara 6 years ago
My boyfriend and I were together for 3 1/2 years. I ended things with him because I needed space, and i and thought I had feelings for someone else. After about 1 1/2 months I told him that I wanted to try and work things out, but he was talking to someone new. This was a couple months ago, and they’re actually dating now. I blocked him on everything and we stopped talking, but then he came into my work 3 weeks ago to see how I was.

We talked briefly, and then he left. For the past 2 weeks we’ve been talking everyday, and he comes into my work to get food a couple times a week. About a week ago I told him that it was too hard to be his friend right now, and he said that he really wants me in his life and he would like me to try to still be his friend. He tells me that he still loves me, and maybe one day things will work out, but right now he just can’t handle being with me because i broke his heart.

I actually do enjoy being his friend, and still having him in my life. But I feel like if I stay his friend while he has a gf, he’ll never actually want to try and work things out again. I also don’t want to be his second choice, if things don’t work out with him and his gf. I don’t know if I should stop being his friend or if I should just continue with how things are going.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I suggest putting a pause on the friendship for now, especially if it's too hard for you. Give yourself some time to deal with the emotions first and get to a place where you're okay with whatever happens before you consider a friendship.
Tina 6 years ago
Hi me and my boyfriend of ten years have been broken up for about a month and a half he moved in with a woman only two weeks after The Break-Up so I think it's a rebound relationship not sure if he was seeing her on the side but they both said not but anyways he spent the night with me a month after we broke up and yes we had sex he also said that he loves me and was coming back home he just need more time but he left that was 2 weeks ago and hasn't even called me or tried to see our 2 children I'm very confused at this point is it normal for this to happen?

Our problem was that he drank a lot and he didn't spend time with his family so yes I fussed about lot but I have had time to think about it and realize the more you fuss about it the more they Rebelle and do it anyways so I'm willing to just let it go and let him see that.

it's not a good thing on his own one more thing even though he's in a relationship he told me that I was his and that I better not date anyone else what do you make of all of this please help me figure out what is going on in your opinion could it be possible it's because I made a fool out of my self when we first broke up?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  He thinks he still controls the situation and is clearly taking you for granted that he has the option to come back at any time he wants whenever he feels like it.
  
  You need to regain control of your life and family, make the decision to walk away and until he realizes his mistakes, he isn't going to change or be a good role model for your kids.
  
  He needs to realize that his actions are wrong and not acceptable to his family, and he needs to begin respecting you or at least fear the reality of you leaving permanently.
  
  The best way to do that is to walk away and treat the situation as it is - an unacceptable one where he can't have the best of both women and not take responsibility for the kids or when things get tough, and drink away his problems.
Adrian 6 years ago
hi,my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago..we had a very close/ steady and intimate relationship. we are staying quite far from each onther but we have manage to keep our relationship on track. she is a very active person and was selected to participate in a choir. They went to another city for 3 weeks and during that time we had an argument and someone saw the crack and got close to her. She just send me an sms saying we over and that she moved on with her life..I re aly love my girlfriend and i did everythng wrong on getting her back..besides the distance between us, i cannot handle this situation...please help me on getting my girlfriend back. Besides being boyfriend and girlfriend, we were friends.We shared everythng and i mean everthing.She was the first person i call in the morning and the last one when we go to bed at night.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It may be hard to go through your daily routine without her at the moment, but you're going to have to learn how to, since the only way you win her back right now is by being patient and giving both parties some space to recollect their emotions and feelings for one another. The other guy sounds like a rebound right now, and you'll have to let their relationship fall apart on their own before you make a move.
Karl 6 years ago
Hi I met this girl at work and we started dating for like 6 months she said she love me so much and she feels so comfortable and very happy with me and I felt the same way too, everything about us was good. We planned of living together and our future too, suddenly I just knew that she has a boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Few days ago she told me that she don’t wanna continue dating me bcos of her boyfriend. I really don’t know what to do at this time I really love her. I wanna know what should I do in this kind of situation?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You would probably have to respect that decision and consider walking away from things because right now you're the third party, and while it's no fault of your own for falling in love since you didn't know, given her history with her boyfriend of 3 years, she's probably going to choose him at the end of the day, and anything else you do from now onwards would paint you as the bad guy.
Deniz 6 years ago
Hi. We broke up with my girl friend 1 and a half months ago. Since then I did no contact and then sent her a letter suggesting that I support her decision and all that. After a month and a week I went to her country for a surprise visit she was shocked but at the same time flattered. I kept it really cool, told her that I am not there to ask her to come back. Then we started talking and everything and after few hours we started hugging holding hands kissing. Two days went by like this. It was perfect.

After I came back we kept in touch and decided to move slowly. Now we talk everyday again. However she said she had to tell me about this guy she went on a date with. Nothing happened but they did keep in touch. She told me she liked him in the beginning but now she knows it was because she was scared to be alone.

But then the next day I opened the subject again and she revealed more about the situation. That they made plans to meet and stuff. And now she says she wont be sure until she sees him again and decides that she actually has nothing for him. I kept it cool again and said it is better if we stop talking for a while because I wanted both of us to have time to think but she insisted we keep talking.

We changed subject afterwards and everything was great. She was talking about going on to a date and at one point she mistakenly called me her boyfriend which we joked about. Right now it is going good. But I dont want her to get confused because of this guy. What is the best course I can follow? I really need help on this. Thank you.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  The best thing you can do for now is to remain confident and play it cool, as she clearly has more feelings for you than him. Let her choice come from her, and don't pressure her. She'll probably choose you eventually but you shouldn't do anything out of desperation on your part to mess that chance up.
Daniel 6 years ago
Hello! So I've given her (and myself) a bit short of a month of space/no contact after a dreadful first week of the "desperation phase" as I call it. And now, I've tried messaging her again and thankfully she still replies. But I think my mistake is that I brought up what went wrong (it was never perfectly clear why we broke up) after a few days of casual conversation (in which she talks coldly towards me, btw).

She also clearly stated she doesn't like talking to me anymore AND she hates me now. What do I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You'll have to figure out what went wrong by yourself and continue giving her space for now, since she's clearly responding in a negative manner towards you still.
sam 6 years ago
Hi. I'm currently on day 14 of no contact. And my ex has started a conversation for the third time in these two weeks. I keep the conversation short and unemotional like a friendly acquaintance. As stated by the no contact rules. However the undertone of her messages seem to tell me she misses me and perhaps even wants me back. I'm not sure of this because she doesn't say it with so many words I just seem to feel something.

Should I risk it and break protocol of no contact and skip the 16 remaining days and ask her out for coffee already? Because if shes in the missing me phase already she might be over it later on. Although you guys say the missing phase can take a while. But still. Why take the risk? I hope you can clarify that for me :)
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you genuinely think she's at that phase of her emotions and might move past it soon (you know your ex best), then you could consider reaching out first to break NC. However, if it's simply an impulsive act on her part because she doesn't want to deal with the emotions of a breakup, be mentally prepared that she ends up reverting back to her old negative emotions (resentment, unhappiness towards you, etc) and the cycle restarts itself.
Jessica 6 years ago
My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. I'm having a hard time dealing with it and I think I'm afraid move on without him. He left 2 months ago for work and started acting different and distant through text. I would always reassure him and let him know that I would stay and wait for him to come back, but he still broke up with me. I still love him and I don't want it to be over.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Compose your emotions and pick yourself up from the breakup first, before you plan on the next course of action. I would advise you to follow the steps in the article above as it would help you on your path to recovery and winning him back.
Jean 6 years ago
I accidentally sent a snap to my ex during the no contact period. Does my no contact period have to start again?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  As long as you realized it, and it didn't make the situation worse, you don't have to restart NC.
sara 6 years ago
My boyfriend of six months and I broke up 3 weeks ago. We are currently giving each other space after 2 weeks of back and forth communication, in which we both cried and I begged him to get back together. The other day, we decided to give each other space for a couple weeks.

He said that he wanted time to think about everything I said and that he's not ready to lose me yet, even though I had said I was done trying to win him back (which I'm not). There is no one else in the world I want to be with, which is why I am agreeing to give him space because I know we both need it. He said he was going to do his best to not let me down, but I am feeling incredibly desperate and full of false hope.

Before we broke up we had talked about our relationship long-term and we both had the same hopes. Everyone saw our relationship as the real deal, and he even said it too. He said he just needs time to focus on himself, which I understand and that he still doesn't know what he wants. I am hoping that in the next few weeks we are both able to get our heads clearer and he is truly able to think about getting back together while I am focusing on myself. However, I am just not sure if the situation is going to change at all and I don't know what else I can do.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  At the end of the day, the only thoughts and behavior you can truly change is your own, and at the very least during this time, that's what you should be focused on. The breakup happened for a reason, and it's usually never just one party's fault. Spend this time thinking about the issues that may have affected the relationship, and if there was anything you may have done specifically or whether it can be worked on or not. Also think about yourself if whether in the past 6 months, there were things that perhaps caused you to feel unhappy or anything less than your usual self, and see if you could do something about it now to turn those feelings around.
Thomas 6 years ago
Hello I was with my ex girlfriend for 4 years we are in early twenties{23 and 24}. We were in passionate and loving relationship where we were speaking we are love of each others live, that we are soulmates and will be together forever.

We have been fighting often not like everyday but for sure every week. Once after a fight she told me she wants a break but we were goin to the camp with our friends and told me she wants to speak after that camp but dont wanna break up and want to be there with me.

On the camp she completely ignored me and spoke with everybody including some random guys except me I was very frustrated by this and we had fights. After this she said she is sorry and texted me that she wanted to save our relationship and that we are going out after a week to speak. She came she said its to late to save something and wants to break up. I took it really hard and she too we were crying together.

I didnt contact her for 2 weeks but i seen her in town with some guy I chatted her and she called and told me we can meet in one week. After one week she cancelleda our meeting told me that is useless that i should move on and she said she have something with some guy {she promised they didnt kiss or sleep together yet)I deleted her from facebook and instagram she texted me next day why i did that.

She she still checking my my stories on instagram after i deleted her. I asked if she will call and want to talk about us someday in future she said she doesnt know. Last thing i told her that if she is going to have something with that guy to never contact me again and that she lose me forever.

I dont want to lose her want to get her back and dont want her to end up with that guy. Please help. Thank you. Thomas
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Unfortunately Thomas, you don't seem like you're in the right place emotionally and mentally yet to be trying to win her back at this point. She still has a foothold over your emotions right now and until you're able to free yourself from it, you'll never win her back the right way.
  
  As much as it may suck to see her with someone else right now, it's something you have to accept and understand that there isn't much you can do about it, until you are able to free your emotions up and not let what she does affect you.
  
  Otherwise, you'll end up getting frustrated at times and behaving either out of jealousy or insecurities which pushes her further away and causes her to lose respect for you as a man, and potentially even seek out other guys in the process.
Din 6 years ago
Hi.
It's been a week since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. We had time issues. We used to call/text and all of the sudden, she rarely reply my texts and chats. If ever I receive reply from her, it's just a single reply and I felt that she's cold. She said she's busy and tired. We argued because I said that that I want her time as well.

I asked time because I miss her. Then she broke up with me. Her reason is I don't give her time to spend with her friends and she's tired of me for not trusting her.

She broke up with me. Few days later, she said that we should fix ourselves first. That we should try different paths.

I feel so dumped right now. I know I became needy because I begged and pleaded with her.

Is there any chance that we can get back our relationships? I need some advice.

Thank you.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Give her some space for the time being. Depending on how long the relationship was with you, it could either be that she lost interest or that she was feeling suffocated - which resulted in the distancing and eventual breakup.
sean 6 years ago
So my ex and I were only together 2 months. I know it sounds like way too short of a time for me to feel this strongly, but it was honestly one of those "once in a lifetime" connections. We connected instantly and had a very intense and meaningful 2 months. Out of the blue, he told me that he realized he wasn't happy being in a relationship with me, that he had lost the spark, that we weren't as compatible as he thought. He said it wasn't my fault, I had always been great, he just had a gut feeling that it wasn't right.

Heres the thing, I had been an addict for the last 7 years, and I hid it from everyone, especially him. But it dominated my life and I know that it affected how his feelings developed. I wouldn't spend the night at his place bc i need to come home and get high. I would show up late to things bc I would be getting high until the very last second. Addicts don't care about anyone but themselves, and I never put in the effort to making him happy. He never knew how bad it was, and I don't think he even knows how it affected the relationship, but I do.

I quit the day he left me, and I haven't even felt the urge since. I want to get him back, and want to do it the right way, but I feel like I need to contact him and confess how bad things were for me, not for pity but just so he understands why I did some of the things I did, and doesn't think that "that was just the way i am".

Now that I have 3+ weeks of sobriety under my belt, I am more sure than ever that he might be the one, and that things would have worked. Ive turned my life around and am on such a better path, but I can't get him out of my head. I also can't forgive myself for letting my addiction ruin such a perfect thing. I know that I could make him happy now.

After only a 2 month relationship, is it possible to get him back? or is it just a fling? I totally get what you mean about 30 days to miss you and such, but 30 days of no contact seems like a lot considering it would be half the time we were together. He is definitely moved on, he was back on Tinder the day after we broke up. He's been polite and kind in the few times I've reached out since, but I can tell he definitely has no interest anymore.

I just can't shake the feeling that no contact won't work in this situation. He has no reason to dislike me or anything, but Im sure he just sees me as someone who he wasn't ultimately compatible with. I'm not sure time apart would change that.

Thoughts?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  In your case, keep NC shorter than 30 days - usually, around 2 weeks would be enough. Reach out but perhaps you might want to consider all the angles first before deciding whether to tell him or not about your addiction.
  
  Some people might take it the wrong way and instead of even feeling pity, it pushes them further away because technically, you weren't being honest throughout the relationship. It might be better to come across and tell him that you've changed and leave it at that unless you know for certain that he would be understanding towards your situation.
  - sean 6 years ago
    I appreciate your reply. I did end up telling him everything, and he actually wants to meet up next week to discuss. Keeping my expectations low, but there is at least some chance now.
    
    Thanks!
Ellen 6 years ago
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. When we started dating we were both so happy.

But last summer my father got diagnosed with cancer and I had a hard time dealing. He died this spring. I was more angry than sad for his loss, cut ties with my friends, got insecure. My boyfriend was very supportive. But I relied only on him to make me happy, complained that he did not show enough affection (even though he did more than enough, I was just afraid of losing him). Which ended in us having a big fight 3 months ago.

We made up the next day, promising to work it out. So I started to get back in touch with friends, improve my mental health, plan dates for us. Then he went on a long-planned 3-week trip. We didn‘t text much during the trip and when he came back that didn‘t change. He didn’t even want to meet until days after he came back.

He brought me presents from his trip - then broke up with me. He said he had thought a lot and he felt like I needed more affection than he could give. He seemed genuinely sad and torn.

I texted him days later, saying I was ashamed of my behaviour in the past, that I had already changed so much while he was gone. He answered that he had been happy with me too, but could not share his feelings with me and did not see a future for us anymore.

But he would like to be friends, as we enjoyed each others company. So again I texted, that I was sorry his decision seemed best for him. That I knew I was egoistical im the past but had done everything I could to make him feel safe with me. He did not answer and I did not text again.

Yesterday I saw him at an event. I dressed nicely, was confident and social - everything I told him I wanted to change about myself since the fight. He looked at me a lot, but did not talk to me.

So what do I do? I started changing before the breakup - not after. And how does his trip change matters?

All the best from Germany
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  His trip changed matters drastically because for the first time in probably a long while, he had 3 weeks of breathing room and time to himself to look back on everything that has happened and realize it was more than he could handle/that he wasn't happy.
  
  Often, because we are so involved on a day to day basis, people don't have room to think about the relationship or their personal happiness when they're with their partners most of the time. The moment they are able to disconnect, they suddenly realize how suffocated they were feeling before, and start dreading to go back in.
  
  Even though you had already changed before the breakup, he wasn't around to see the change at that point and was still stuck with the perception of how you were before he left. Continue with implementing those changes in your life for now, and give him some breathing room first before reaching out again.
Jane 6 years ago
Hi,
Well my boyfriend who I've dated for 4 months this told me he just doesn't feel the same way how I feel. We talked about it before and this is our second breakup. What confuses me is how he says he still cares about me and hates seeing me broken like this. And in my heart I love him even with this, and I've read your article that I shouldn't try to pl ish for something because it'll just push him away more and I dont want that.

Is there any way or possibility that we will be together again?

I've seen this before with one of my friends and her and her ex got bsck together again and he wont let her go ever again. I ha e this thought in my head that it'll happen to me where he'll come back and we'll have a stronger relationship and be together. I'm in the grief stage now and everything just hurts. Is there any way that I'll know he will know that this was a good decision he made between us? He messages me still a day after the break up and he says he feels horrible for putting me through this pain again. I just want to know what to do next for him to take me back.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Follow the guidelines in our article, and give him some space for now. Go into No Contact, and you'll know that he is thinking about you if he suddenly reaches out and texts or calls during the NC period.
Kennedi 6 years ago
My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and 1 month. He goes to a different school and he starts talking to this new girl. Just days before, he kept on reassuring me that he wanted to be forever and he is not going to leave me for anybody else.

So i thought that he meant it. I feel like he really does love me deep down inside but he just doesn't want to say anything. I love him with all of my heart and he cheated on me and then i begged him to get back with me. I know that that is backwards because usually when someone cheats, they want to get back with their spouse. but he didnt want to. After we had the fight about cheating, we started to talk. So i started to google signs that your ex wants you back.

He would tell me their status, he said that they are not dating but they are talking but on all of her instagram pics, she now tags him. I said that i love him and he said that he loves me too. He then blocked me on instagram and snapchat and if i text him he will leave me on read.

I know that i deserve better but i love him and i am in love with him. What do i do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You'll have to consider the fact that he might have gotten bored of the relationship or experienced a loss of attraction towards you, resulting in his current actions. If he has not broken up officially with you yet, but you know he is most likely seeing someone else, you might want to consider ending things or having a talk rather than disrespecting yourself and holding on for the sake of it. Once you treat yourself any less than you deserve, other people will do the same to you, and it's not the way you fix things.
amanda morris 6 years ago
Hello!!
Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke ip 1 month ago. I am 27 and he is 26. He is in the coast guard and he lives in Maryland and I am in NYC. We have been LDR since the beginning, but he only joined the Coast Guard 1 year ago. I have been doing No Contact for 3 weeks now. He was the one who broke up with me and after we broke up he was texting me days afterward nice and positive text messages.

Since I have started NC he hasn’t reached out via text but still like some of my stuff on Social Media and is looking at it. We broke up because he felt like he loved me but wasn’t as in love with me anymore and that maybe we were on 2 different paths. He also said “maybe we can get back together one day. My parents got back together after they broke up,”

my question is is 30 days of NC good enough or should I go longer? I have been making positive changes in my life, but since things ended so positively I have been confused.

Thanks,
Amanda
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Many relationships go through a loss of attraction after being together for some time. You have to figure out and comprehend the reasoning behind this loss of attraction, and whether there are ways you can go about turning it around to re-ignite the flame he once had for you. 30 days should be enough considering that the relationship didn't end on a terrible note.
Sam 6 years ago
Hey
I did no contact
I tried to text
My ex was just very indifferent (read and no reply after a three messages back and forth, hardly a good rally and very stuttered, and then same again four days later)
She loved me very much and i became depressed so the relationship became toxic and she left twice.
I didn't change when we got back together
I don't think I have a chance now
She goes back to college in a week
I still love her and value her happiness, I just wish we could be friends and just talk
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Spend more time on yourself for now, because she probably felt your intention when you reached out and isn't ready to face you yet. Work on understanding yourself better and making positive changes in your life that would help with the depression and mood, so that you won't end up contributing toxic behavior if you ever get a third chance with her, or even if you end up with someone else down the road.
David Nguyen 6 years ago
Hi, Me and Ex girlfriend dated for 2 and a half years. We started dating when i was 16 in high school. Now i am 18 and attending college as a freshman. We were best friends for 3 years prior to dating. About 4 months prior to the break up, i started to not keep my promises and not treat her right. 3 weeks prior to the break up i started catching old feelings for a girl i had liked before. i decided to break up with her but still have the intention of getting back together while i was flirting with the other girl. As soon as i figured out the old girl i caught feelings for liked me as well, i ended things completely with my long term girlfriend. this broke her and she started to talk to another guy i knew wasn't right for her and a guy she said she would avoid and never date. I realized after about 2 weeks after the break up i made a terrible mistake and just wanted to be with my long term girlfriend. As of yesterday, i texted and called her so many times. But as of today, i havent talked to her. I really want her back and in the stage of cutting off contact with her at the moment. She said she has completely moved on and doesn't see a future with us and doesn't want to speak and or see me as of yesterday. what do you guys think i should do? thanks guys and i know i was a jerk.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's likely that her current date is a rebound, since she jumped into the relationship soon after the breakup. For the time being, give her some space to at least let go of the negative emotions she may have towards you after everything that has happened. Also spend this time working on figuring out what went wrong and make positive changes in those areas to at least appear more desirable to your ex and less of the person she was hurt by.
Justin 6 years ago
Hello I could really use some advice. I did 2 months of no contact after my ex and after that I apologized for the way I acted before. That was about a month ago and we have pretty much been talking for hours almost every day. Now however, she has been going hot and cold on me and I have no idea why. We have been seeing each other a lot lately and she always seems really happy to see me, but lately she hasn't been responding to my texts (I have only tried twice but now I just want to avoid seeming desperate)I don't know what to do now. Sometimes she seems happy around me but others I can tell she is blatantly ignoring me and I'm all confused. What can I do? Thanks in advance.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It would be a good idea to fact find a bit more about her current situation (from mutual friends, etc), such as whether she may be seeing anyone, if she's going through a rough time, or anything that may be a reason for her hot/cold attitude towards you. There's also a chance that she is facing internal conflict between meeting you and getting reminded of both good and bad times from the past.
  - Dawn 6 years ago
    Does this work on a homosexual relationship? We had been together for two and a half year yet most of the time we were having ldr relationship, we were really far apart as she’s in Europe and I’m in Asia. We broke up one week ago and she said she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. She’s gonna come back at the end of the year. Is it still possible to get her back?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      It would depend on the circumstances of why she decided to break up now of all times, whether its because she gradually felt less towards you, or if there was someone else. Typically, a long distance relationship would be harder to win back because the main cause of most breakups here is the lack of physical proximity, which can't be changed unless one party goes over. If her trip at the year end is a long or permanent one, there would probably still be a chance for you to win her back if you're able to reach out successfully, but if it's just for a holiday, you might want to consider walking away because the same result may eventually occur where she loses feelings again down the road.
Mario 6 years ago
Hi, I broke up with my ex girlfriend like 6 weeks ago after dating for 2 years. She broke up with me cuz she said that we were fighting a lot and she has trust issues. And that she thinks our paths are in very different ways. We are both from LA but she is currently in NYC and I’m in Cancun. It’s been a long distance relationship since the beginning. The fist 1 week I did not talk to her, the second week I started to try and fix things and she said she was over the relationship. It’s been a long distance relationship but we made it work seeing each other every 3 weeks. After I saw that she was really sticking to her word I flew in that 2nd week to try and fix things. We spoke in person and maybe I was to needy or tired to convince her to give us another chance and she still said no. This was the 1 of Agust 2018 I flew back home and started the no contact rule. Around 2 weeks ago she unblocked me from WhatsApp and Instagram so i thought that the no contact rule was working. I texted her on Monday the 3rd of Septembe 2018. I Found out later that day before she answered that she is going out with some other guy or that she is seeing someone new. When she answers I lashed out and straight up told her that I was very disappointed in her cuz I never thought she would go out with someone new that fast. I guess that was a mistake on my part and defeated the no contact purpose, or I don’t know. But I was very mad and disappointed. I was so mad that I blocked her. I then came to my senses this past Friday and sent her a FB message apologizing for my behavior and telling her how I felt and how th no contact period had helped me unterstand where we went wrong and that I loved Her and that I wanted to make things right ect. She answered today saying that she doesn’t want to hurt me but that she thinks we where arguing to much and fighting over everything and that she thinks she did the right decision cuz our paths are very different. I don’t know what to do now? Answer her what? Or what should I do? No contact again? Or should I answer her back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Stop replying her at this point, and go back into NC. She is dating someone new right now, as well as living in a different city from you. Harping on things won't change the situation so instead, go back into NC (properly this time), and learn to accept the breakup, stabilize your emotional state, and make positive changes in your life. Only when all this is done should you consider reaching out again and may stand a better chance at winning her back.
Penny 6 years ago
Hello. I was with my ex boyfriend for only 4 months. Everything was amazing in the beginning. He has two kids. One is 8 the other 11. He is legally separated from his wife for 3 years and they hardly communicate unless it’s about the children. They also haven’t lived together in 3 years. They live in separate states two hours away.

He met me and fell in love fast. So did I. He was saying he wanted a family with me and it was very soon but I felt deeply for him too. I ended up moving in with him after I found out I was pregnant. His ex found out and was holding the kids over his head because she isn’t over him still.

They apparently had a terrible 13 years of marriage. From what his family had told me. She made him feel guilty about having a kid with someone else and keeps telling him he will give up on them. She manipulates. So anyway, after living together for a few weeks we got into a fight over the ex and I had moved out into my own place. We ended up getting back together after a while and my insecurities got the best of me and it ruined us.

I was asking a lot of questions on how he feels about me. And if he’s over his ex. He says he is over both of us now. But I recently found out he spent the weekend with her and the kids but everyone is telling me he did it because it’s far and he wanted to stay with his kids. He denies he was there I guess to save the argument. He was always a good guy to me.

We tried a good 2 times after that slowly. Just to see where it would go but I started in with the questions again. And I also got angry a few times and told him to sign over rights to me so I can raise the baby without him which I was wrong. I apologized. He forgave me. I love him but I’m just hormonal and scared I already damaged so much that I ruined it anyway.

We were together 9 days ago physically. And yesterday we went to a doctors visit for the baby together but he said he doesn’t want to be with me because my insecurities and questions about feelings. He doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t know my best bet. I want a family. He does too.

Before the whole thing with his ex we were amazing. So we once had a good thing. He also says we’ve only known each other 5 months and doesn’t know if it’s worth it all.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Regardless, if it's his child you're carrying, there should be a level of responsibility he needs to uphold. Also, it's not his first time going through pregnancy and he should be aware that what you're going through in terms of your emotions is perfectly normal. That being said, on your own end, the child should come first at this point and anything that would further cause you emotional grief and sadness should be put aside for the time being, at least until you feel a little more control over your emotions.
Philip 6 years ago
Hi, I could really use some advice. Me and my girlfriend of 9 months just broke up about 2 weeks ago. I wish I would have read this article day 1 because I've broken every rule on here almost. This article is amazing and is helping me cope a lot. So anyways, me and my ex knew each other as aquaintances for about 7 1/2 years. She was in a relationship the whole time I knew her until I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend.

We got together about 3 months after she broke her 7 year relationship. It was amazing constant love and attention doing little things for each other, taking care of each other, we moved in together after about a month and a half although we stayed with each other constantly before we moved I. Together.

The whole time we were together it was amazing, we had our ups and downs but nothing too terrible. I screwed up and looked at naked pictures of one of her friends online, at the time I felt it was harmless but she found out and I realize how bad I hurt her. She almost left me right there. But we we're fixing things and it was going great, then she goes to California for work for a week and sleeps with another guy. Then comes home and tells me immediatly about it and that she can't do this anymore, but she made it clear she still loves me. She just doesn't know what she wants.

She is now and has been seeing a guy since a day or 2 after we broke up and theyve been spending all their time together. I won't her back of course, and I know she still loves and cares about me. I'm just worried about loosing her completely. I'm going to try everything this article said to do and hope it works. But I was wondering if you think i was a rebound relationship or if this guy is a rebound relationship. Today will be day 1 of no contact.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's hard to determine who is actually the rebound in your case until you reach out after NC to gauge how she responds towards you plus the speed at which her current relationship moves. Typically if it moves at an extremely fast pace (and isn't normal of her), it might most likely be a rebound.
Jeremy* 6 years ago
My gf of about 3 years and I have broken up "for good" as of 2-3 weeks ago. We've been off and on for those 3 years, mostly due to (unintended) pressure on my part to advance the relationship. We never officially dated, or really called each other gf/bf, despite what I had felt — which shouldn't be a big deal, but didn't help things either.

Those things aside, we were best friends, relying on each other for feedback on our work, talked about and were involved with each other's lives, both of us approaching our mid 30s. We found ourselves in a cycle of being together, since being with a friend is easy, then everything coming to a head, breaking up for a time, and drifting back into each other. But we always made each other laugh, we bonded over big and small things, and ... this break has been very difficult for me.

We'd said I love you several times. We were highly compatible sexually. But when it came time to talk about the future, she'd put up walls, if she even talked at all. It was strained. She has issues with her parents' divorce when she was young, and her father was manipulative and untrustworthy. I have my own issues with parents who weren't in love, so there was some common ground in some way. I said I understood where she was coming from and suggested going to therapy together toward the end, but it didn't hold.

I saw her recently after about 2 weeks of very little if any contact, and things were amicable. Hugs and small conversation. I was tempted to text "let me know you got home safely" or something similar, but didn't. I think at this stage, it's still a waiting game; she's typically not the type to reach out, and I very much am, so it's a difficult place. I keep thinking I may have opportunities to put myself in her mind, or that I might have missed some — knowing full well that's addressed in the above article, but ... you know.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You made the right choice in not texting her as that text may cause her to put up her walls again over the 'familiarity' in being a couple, especially if she's confused at this point over what she wants. Pick yourself out of that difficult place first, before you properly reach out again.
sam 6 years ago
Ex got mad during no contact. I'm currently on day 2 of no contact and she just started a fight about why I suddenly wanted to stop talking. I told her I needed space to set my mind straight. Just like I already explained before breaking contact. Still she said that I'm awful for playing her emotions like this. Since I said I wanted to keep post breakup contact and then a day later I found out about no contact 30 days and decided to try it. So I said no more contact after all. She ended up deleting me from social media. What do I do? What if after no contact is done she's still mad? Then I can't initiate the next step of casually contacting her followed by asking her out for coffee.

I'm 23, shes 25 and we dated for 2 years.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Under these circumstances, she’s probably overwhelmed by her emotions which led her to react this way. You’ve already let her know that you need to take some time to grieve and process the breakup, and she needs to respect that. I don’t doubt that her actions were also caused by her feelings towards you which resulted in her getting upset that you didn’t want to talk to her. However, I think that given time she’ll start to cool down and should be a little more receptive when you reach out.
Victoria 6 years ago
Hi,

My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago. He is going to study in another country, but only for one year. We have the same friends, so we have seen each other almost every day since the break-up. In addition, we have hung alot. We have had sex and cuddled. I'm want to get together again, but he says he does not want more drama.

Two weeks ago I hit him. He became very angry and said that it was too late for me. After that we have hung and cuddled, as usual. He's going to London in a few days and we're still not together again. I'm afraid I've broken my chances by hitting him and making drama. I do not know how to do "no contact" when he is in another country, busy with studies.

Can you help me? He says he still loves me, but lacks spark. He also thinks that it's a lot of drama and I'm rushing things. He says he will still hang and talk. But it will not work for me, I will become insecure and make more drama. What shall I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Based on what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like there’s a good chance at this point of reconciliation due to his negative impression of you. I suggest giving him this year to do no contact and picking yourself up, since you will definitely still see him again when he gets back from his studies abroad. Spend this time working on your issues, so that when you cross paths again, you’d be a different person from who you were a year ago, and which may lead to easier chances of re-igniting the relationship romance.
Minge 6 years ago
Hi Team,
I was in 2 years long relationship with my ex, including one year of long distance. He broke up with me 3 months ago saying he is not ready for commitment and settle in one year because it was supposed to be one year longer the long distance relationship. We had some fights lately, due to lack of contact it was hard to catch him, I wasnt my best too I was picking on him sometimes when it was no needed. I tried to win him back but he didnt want to. We dont speak for over a month now and soon will be my birthday. I find out on social media that he is licking some girls face and that they are cooking together.

What should I do? Can I still win him back? I know what mistakes I made and I was in process of chagning myself but I dont know if should I reach to him? What was the actual reason, he said he is not ready but he is clearly making connection with this girl.
Thanks.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  His reason could’ve been a convenient excuse to break up back then. Don’t stop your current goals of working on yourself and making positive changes because of this, but perhaps consider holding off on reaching out and instead display your changes on social media or in a way that he can see without you having to actually contact him.
GS 6 years ago
Me and my ex fiancee broke up last february because of third party we always have a communication but last ausgust we decided to communicate again like texting and calling to each other but after one month he said to me that we need to cut our communication. What should i do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It depends on whether a third party is still involved at this point. If there is someone else, giving things some space might be the better choice, especially if he is more inclined to end up choosing the other person when pushed to a corner.
Sharon 6 years ago
So I have done no contact for almost two weeks as my ex was all over my phone, texting and calling me and because we have a child together I give in as he did suggest he want to see his son then I went to his house and everything was so hot and sweet then he start ignore me again and all disrespecting me. I wonder what could have cause that. I was the one who ended our relationship because he wasn't showing me love and he was dies pectin me and going parties on a regular basis and no couple times with us but all I wanted was for him to start act right. We weren't living together for 4years
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It sounds like a longer NC period would be necessary because he hasn’t realized his mistakes yet and is more bitter about you leaving him than actually wanting to make changes in his life.
  - Sharon 6 years ago
    Ok thanks much and I hope it's work well this time and he marry me but I will never lower my standard. Trying to cope with the full NC
Sophie 6 years ago
Hello. I broke up two weeks ago with my boyfriend after 5 years. we were living together so its much harder since he left the house. Its my fault, he doesnt trust me know but we also had a few communication problems and he is aware of these as he told me but he doesnt want to give another chance. I dont know what to do, i really want to show him that we must give it another try since we know our mistakes and we had a beautiful relationship all this time we were having fun, trips all the time, i know my mistakes know that i can think clear, i dont want to end up without give it a try. What should i do?:/
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Given the length of the relationship, it would be good to perhaps give it some time apart because there would be a lot to deal with immediately after the breakup, and the negative feelings might still be fresh in his head at this point.
  - Sophie 6 years ago
    I haven't contact him for 2.5 weeks now. He only texted me asking for some things he left in the house nothing more.. I don't know how to react now and if I have to contact him.
Bob 6 years ago
Hi, me and my wife have split up after 15 years of marriage and she told me she does not love me anymore. I had an affair 5 years ago and she forgave me. About 2 years ago she asked me to go to relate but I said no as I thought we was ok. Then another year passed and we seemed ok.

Then in dec 17 she told me she did not feel we were close any more and said im not her best friend anymore. After that struggled to deal with it and went into lock down mode. 8 months on she walked out saying she had been trying get it back with me but then she said she had been trying to get out for a while as she felt it had all gone. We have two children. And including all our dating time it’s been 21 years together.

She said she loves more like a friend but is not in love with me. For 6 weeks before we broke up I pulled out all the stops she was still having sex with me but when she walked out she told me it was just something you do as a married couple which hurt me again. She has told me we are never getting back together as the love has gone and she wants her independence which is really what it’s all about. I was her first love.

I have begged and promised to change which I have but it’s making no impact. She says it’s too late now and has been quite brutal with me in the things she has said. Advice?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Considering the total length you've been together, you're going to need to give her quite a bit of distance to let her do whatever she feels she needs to do at this point, especially if you were her first love and she may potentially be going through a mid-life crisis. Under these circumstances, the greater you push, the more she'll resent you because if she feels this strongly about wanting her independence, she'll feel just as strongly against anyone who interferes with it.
Courtney 6 years ago
Hi,

I dated someone for 2 1/2 years and it suddenly ended last week. He said I’m his best friend and he loves me deeply but there was a disconnect and he isn’t sure why. Said some things from the past concern him and it was time to move forward or let go. He said wasn’t sure if his feelings would come back and it wasn’t fair to him or me. He said he doesn’t have a negative word to describe me and he doesn’t understand it. Said if somethings meant to be it will be. He’s now going to therapy to work through his communication issues and commitment fears. As am I for my self worth.

I didn’t react well initially. I broke every rule. But after a couple days of it, I pulled myself together Accepted our fate. After his therapy he said it went well and has a lot to work on but he thinks after the session it’s best if we don’t communicate for a while. I finally went against the instinct to cry and such and I said “absolutely. Take care of yourself. Bye.” Then I blocked him.

Someone told me not to because it shows I care but I had to so I’m not constantly wondering if he’s going to text or call or if I will. I want to make sure it’s cut. He initiated it yesterday (which sucks for me, does that decrease my chances of success?) initially i said we shouldn’t talk then we did and now I am going to keep my no contact. I won’t contact him. I’m going to do something this weekend, I’m also going to start Pilates.

I’m going to focus all my energy on being the most independent happy sexy person. I want to love myself so much that he sees how much self love and growth and wants me back. Not even that I want to take him back after this trauma. I just don’t know if it will work. He still has my things and I asked for them back initially but he seemed to divert it. I’m not going to ask again and I’m going to abstain from social media. I just want to know the likely hood of this kind of circumstance and success especially when nothing specifically went wrong.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Long relationships may often end without a major argument or issue, but simply because the spark was lost and both parties just ended up fading into the background. It's good that you have goals to regain your self-confidence and independence, and usually, this would trigger emotions on your ex's end to reminisce about what he has lost, especially when it's made apparent.
John 6 years ago
Hi Ryan, thank you for the great information, it’s been very helpful in sticking to the NC and getting a sense of timing and planning.

My 3.5 year relationship with my girlfriend ended a week ago when she suddenly broke up with me. We are both divorced with kids and live in the same neighborhood. I have accepted much of what she said as my fault and am going to therapy and have joined a gym to get myself in a good place. I was emotionally withdrawn and ‘cold’ without realizing it and want to improve that for future relationships (with her or anyone). The major complication I think is with her 16 ½ year old daughter, who I sense was on the receiving end of when she was upset. I believe now this greatly contributed to the issue and without my being made aware, I didn’t have an opportunity to improve so it continued and the daughter is not seeing me as a positive future presence in their future.

I’m doing NC (although difficult as we will see each other around the area but will limit to smiles and nods and hello) and we have a lot of shared friends on social media. I don’t have any specific questions but wondering if there’s a uniqueness with the daughter angle when and if I decide to contact her? I know a big part of any new relationship will be for the daughter to see my positive changes and not just my ex.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  To put it simply, when you're dating someone who has a kid that is in her later teen years, you pretty much have to win the hearts of both parties and find a way to fit into both their lives.
gina 6 years ago
Me and my ex were together for about 3.5 years living together, have been broken up for nearly 5 months now with a 9 month old baby i moved out completely. The relationship did become toxic on both ends. We broke up because he had cheated on me and i stayed with him but didn't want to and was felt pressured so i never got through the pain he caused and did not forgive him for it i ended up being depressed as a result we did fight a lot. I found out that he started talking to her again after about 4-5 months so i decided to leave him. for about 3 weeks i didn't talk to him unless it had to do with our child.

After we talked fine seen each other a few times and then in between that we did have a fair few arguments due to the present feelings and hurt being there where i called him a bad father and he did this he did that why he doesn't do this why he doesn't do that he hasn't tried to fight for his family blah blah you get the picture. there have been times where he has told me he loves me and he wants to change but hasn't acted on it. he has been out most weekends partying drinking and was gambling every day for 4 months. he has told me he loves me and the woman he loves left him with his child and i think apart of him resents me for taking his child away i also think that he is bit depressed and not sleeping properly and was drinking a lot.

he has once come to me and asked for help and then shut me out. he believes that i need to work on myself and change and respect him before we move forward. He blames me for everything and thinks i should be the one to fight for him. i still want to be with him and believe things can be different i also told him that i won't get back with him unless things are different. he has stopped gambling for a month now i don't no the reasons to it.

the last conversation we had he exploded at me because i brought up the other woman and why he was still talking to her and he told me i had no right and it wouldn't of happened if i never left him and that me not going back to him is giving her hope and she is beating me at my own game and then said if i want to be with him i can but i have to not bring his past up ever again. the conversation didn't end to well to him saying that he doesn't want to be with me or her and that we are over for good because i said i was quite happy without him. since then i chose not to talk to him for a whole month. i never returned his calls and he turned up the other day for 10 mins to see his daughter and left because he was busy.

The month is now up and it is his first fathers day in 3 days i was just going to turn up and surprise him with his daughter i don't no if this is the best approach? i still haven't reached out to him what steps should i take from here? i have now forgiven him and have gotten fast all the hurt and pain he caused and still i am willing to give it another try.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You shouldn't put yourself into that situation and let yourself be talked into thinking that it was entirely your fault. Ultimately he was the one who cheated, and you had every right to walk away from that. If he thinks you should be fighting for him at this point, he definitely has not seen any of his issues yet, nor does he seem emotionally mature enough to handle you coming back into his life. However, if you want to give this another try (and make it work this time), you're going to have learn to be firm and respect yourself and the boundaries you are willing to accept, before you reach out to him. If not, there's a good chance where he steps on you again or does something to hurt you unknowingly.
Sam 6 years ago
Hello,
my gf and I have been together for 4 years. we got married in order for me to be able to stay in the UK and it would be easier for me to find a job. I have done MSc and found a great job. then later she told me she isnt ready for commitment and we need to breakup. I panicked and felt insecure and had most of the feelings the article is mentioning not only for the sake of the relationship but also worried about my whole future. Thankfully, I found your article and I started the no contact period last week. She asked about me and I ignored her. I am working on myself now to fix myself and to feel better. I just need some help regarding what to send after the no contact period is over. I would be pleased if you can send me a template. Thank you very much.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You can use this link for guidelines on what to do after no contact.
Richard 6 years ago
I and my ex girlfriend had dated for 2 years, I was her first boyfriend. We were in a long distance relationship, we were happy together before we departed to different universities, we were so much in love but as time goes on she started behaving strangely and I suspected she's seeing someone else, I tried asking her but she said she's not seeing anyone else.

I started feeling insecure with me, I lost trust because I became suspicious because of her behavior lately, I became desperate to know what's happening and it seems I forced her to say this " she told me over the phone that she's no longer interested in the relationship" .

I tried stopping her but she insisted I begged and apologized but she said she want us to be apart. from that day I investigated that she has someone else in the university there and the guy she's with now is the same guy I suspected she told me that's his just a close friend. I love her and I want her back I don't know what to do.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Different people may go through different phases in a relationship, especially when it goes from a close relationship to a long distance one. Often times, one party may start to lose interest due to the lack of physical contact and develops an interest in someone else. Right now, as much as it sucks to hear, you don't have much of an option except to pick yourself up and walk away from this (for the time being), until the two of you are no longer so far apart or reach a more stable phase in your lives where LDR doesn't become as tough because both parties are no longer in the exploration phase.
Bri 6 years ago
So me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I was in my career and he was just finishing up school. We met in another state and have always been long distance. So when he graduated, im thinking that we would finally get to be together. Wrong, he broke up with me. His words were im not leaving you, im leaving the relationship. I still love you and still feel the same, I think that we need to just be friends" So basically needing time to get himself together, which I can respect. At first, I was pleading, then I told him I couldnt be friends. Then, I said yea im ok with being friends because there was so much going on in both of our lives that I feel like I wanted to still be apart of. So for about 5 days after that our only contact was words with friends (Scrabble).

The game has ended and now we are officially in the no contact part. He still has our pics up on his page and last time we talked 2 weeks ago, we both said "I love you" before we got off the phone. I really believe we were the two right people at the wrong time. Its almost been a month and each week gets easier. He was my first love and my best friend. This article was nice, my only confusion is you said Id reach out to him after the no contact rule, but most advice Ive gotten is "He broke up with you, You should wait until he hits you up". Im new to all this heart break stuff. He was my first and Im still at the point where I want him to be my only one. Thank you!

Forgot to add, we plan to see each other before the year ends. So around November, Part of me is like ok, dont talk until End of September and ease back in Oct/Nov until you guys see each other again. What this article said about friends and family is so true! I have nothing negative to say about my bf. They feel just because he broke up with me that he is supposed to me the enemy. "Forget him!" "Men are stupid" "Thats his loss, he couldnt man up!" "You deserve better" I hold no hate, only hurt & I accept my part in our demise. It literally made everything worse because i do not feel that way.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Many articles also suggest playing mind games and using pride/ego to win the person back, but honestly, these are all extremely unhealthy habits and qualities that should be avoided when going into a relationship. It's true that since he broke up with you, and it may seem weak to be the one to reach out, but by waiting, you could honestly end up doing so indefinitely. Think about what you want at the end of the day, and I always believe that we should fight for what we want. If you genuinely want him back, it would be best to put pride and ego aside, doesn't matter who broke up with who, and just sincerely fight for him (not in a desperate and overbearing way of course) following our guidelines to reach out.
  - Bri 6 years ago
    Thank You! Literally, as soon as I posted this he texted me! Crazy. It was just small talk. He said "Hows life" We've only not talked for 2 weeks. smh So nothing has changed for me lol. Nice to know he's doing well. Im going to read your articles/emails each day and hope I can get my baby again. This time in a new relationship even better than the last and permanently! Thank you for your words. That seems to be what im continuing to receive "Do what you want and makes you happy!" and you're right, Egos are toxic. Im learning so much about myself during this process and it's almost exciting. I still have my sad moments in those feelings of the absence of him but yoga, meditation, reading and focusing on my certification has helped! Im rambling, but im thankful there are positive people out there to discuss exes. They're not all bad, we're all human. Thank you so much!
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      That's great to hear. Yes, your happiness should always come first. Remember that no breakup is easy and it may be a painful experience to go through, but it does make you stronger and it gets easier with each day. Even if you don't move on and still have feelings for him after a period of time, picking yourself up from the negative emotions and learning to accept things as they are and being okay with it does help in winning your partner back too.
      - Bri 6 years ago
        One question. During this time of me really focusing on myself and trying to understand our situation better. Would it be wise the next time we talk face to face to discuss our future relationship (If we decide to be together again) to mention why things went so wrong in the last one and see if we're willing to set boundaries to not make those mistakes again? A little more insight into our relationship issues. So when we first met he still had a girlfriend. It honestly got under my skin all throughout the relationship because we were Long distance and he never really gave me a clear timeline of when they truly broke up and when we started talking. It made me insecure most of the relationship because early on in the relationship he'd go hours without talking to me. I went through his phone and saw he had met up with her claiming to console her because she was depressed/suicidal. Etc. I should have never got with him until I was comfortable, I realize that now. We started on the wrong foot. Then a series of events where he posted another girl on his page (He deleted it after I told him I didnt feel comfortable, he had no pics of me on his page), confused me with the same girl, and went out with friends with the girl. All without properly communicating with me. I had no issue with him having female friends but his communication about his friends was off. So the Trust and communication really needed work. It was so hard because we were in an LDR. He didnt know how to maintain, honestly. Overall he was a wonderful guy, he just wasnt the greatest at communication when we were apart. Together he was perfect. I felt in the loop. He started to make changes toward the middle/end of the last year of the relationship. So I know he's capable. I dont want to keep bringing up the past but I want to make sure this go around the boundaries are clearer. He broke up with me but I knew the end was near. We both had a lot to work on.
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
        He might simply be going through a phase at this point where most people develop an exploratory nature. You could bring up the relationship issues but unless he sees it for himself and acknowledges his own side of flaws, the result may end up with him becoming more defensive over his actions.
Lisa 6 years ago
It's been a year and a half. He sent me a linked in request. We didn't fight. He was perfect web we were together but life has thrown me since rough punches and I felt like I wasn't on equal ground with him. He has money and prestige. I had lost everything taking care of my husband's yet terminal illness and I was sick myself. I felt I had nothing to offer. Now I have a great career and new car and my home is being remodeled and my last child is in college ave I have my health back. I broke his heart. He just wanted to help me and I felt like charity. I would really like to try again.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Perhaps reach out and start off again as friends. Work on a positive communication channel and a comfortable relationship, before seeing if it can lead to anything further.
Annie 6 years ago
We've been together for 4 years and then he purposed me. So we've in this relationship for 5 years, and were engaged. Im 28 and he is 30. I live at my mothers house and he lives with his. It was right after my father has passed away. He went to ask my father for my hand, actually. It feels like he really did love me, and tried his best. But I was to stubborn, critical and basically was pretty depressed with my whole life. We started to look for places to get married and planning the wedding, but it was too hard cuz we were not financially stable... Eventually we gave up and stopped looking for places for the wedding and doing the planning because 2 of us were too busy. I was really struggling having my life crisises, and he tried to support me, but we were always fighting. It led to many frustrations, lots of argues and comunication problems. After I started a new job I had no time to go sleep over at his place, and my cat was pregnant. I had no time for anything and was in a huge stress and depression. We became pretty distant and barely met. He tried to support me as much as he could, but I was very frustrated all the time, and we fought.

Eventually he told me he can not stand it anymore and although he loves me he cant be with me. So we didnt talk for 2 days, and then he wrote me that Im the love if his life and he wont give up on this. But I decided to take a step back cuz it hurt me. So I told him we need to do the talk and decide what we are gonna do. After 2 weeks we finally did it and had a big fight. Then we decided to try again. So we met again and it just led to nowhere. We went in circles, could not even find a place to go to do the talk because of my stubbornness and his lack of understanding...

In the end we were really angry and he got me home and drove to his. Afterwards, I could not hold my tears and despair, and wrote him a message - "I came with the best intentions but maybe its just not meant to be... "

Then he just cut off everything. He deleted the viber (that was our special social media place), changed all the photos of us to his alone and of course, went to "single" instead of engaged. And deleted himself of our picture of the engagement ring...

It broke my heart completely. I realized this is the end. I lost him for good. Lost my best friend, my man, my fiancee, supporter and the only friend I actually had in the last time who was there and could really understand...

I was so broken and tried to keep my life going, but it was too much.

Then I tried to write him and tell him we need to get back together. But it was too late. I met him and he said he was sitting with a girl friend which he didnt talk to since our last breakup. He said our relationship was a total disaster, that it cant work. That he tried everything he could and swore that if the last time we cant make it go so thats it. He told me hes not going to come back with me and he is really happy by himself. Then he said that he doesnt love me, that he thought he did but he was wrong. Hes not even going to come to Ozzy Osborne concert with me and didnt want to give me my ticket.

He opened an instagram account, which he never did before and it really feels like I lost all chances Ive ever had. His life is going great. He's rebuilding himself and really succeeds at everything. He has so much girls around him now and I am the last thing he could ever think about. I tried to text him since, tried to send some "positive texts" to remind him of how great it was, but he went really cold and distant. I am really despaired. It has been already 3 months. Our birthdays are coming. Mine is on the 31st August and his on september 1st. And I just feel so crushed. I have no idea how am i going to spend it... While hes gonna go with all his friends which hate me and are so happy we broke up!
Maybe hes even dating someone. I deleted my instagram so i dont follow him.

I dont know how he could ever come to me again. Im trying to think of good things, but it is just too damn hard! Nothing helps me. Nothing is gonna make him regret his decision...

I cannot see myself with any other man but him, and I was so waiting for us to move in together and get married! To start a completely new life! Now Im moving in a new place by myself and I cant even think of beeing alone ther with all the cats, and hell never be there with us!😭

Do you think there is anything possible to make him into me again? It really feels like game is over for me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Unfortunately, this does seem a little tough to work out as he did seem like he was at his wit's end when he finally walked away. You might have to give him even more time than 3 months in this case if you were to consider trying to reach out to him again.
Elle 6 years ago
I don't know what to do. I was 2 years together with my boyfriend, he broke up with me 10 months ago already because he was not sure anymore. We were best friends before so after the breakup we tried to be friends again. It didn't work because he had someone new, he had to delete me on instagram for his girlfriend. I decided to give them the chance but his friend and his sister told me she was not good for him. After almost 2 months she cheated on him (with her ex), that's 4 months ago. He texted me and gave me hope to get back together. But he choose to give her another chance instead. He told me she wasn't the girl of his dream and he don't want to marry her in the future. I told him to let me go if he chooses her. So we let each other go. But we have friends in common. On a barbeque he was searching my attention the whole time, during the exams he texted me memories from when we were together. I never responded because I needed space and he was still together with his girlfriend. After he texted me 3 times in a row for the same thing I texted back, asking what he really wanted. He couldn't really answer. I saw him at a event with our friends and then he was normal, not pushy or anything. He left for vacation and I didn't hear anything from him, didn't text him either. Early August we went on a weekend with our common friends. The first night together we were talking about anything and were drinking. After a while we were drunk and I tried to seduce him, he said he was still together with his girlfriend so I wanted to go to sleep. He took me by the hand, pulled me back and kissed me. He told me his girlfriend is not the love of his life, that I will always be the love of his life. We had sex. The day after we talked about it. He told me that it never happened and he will not say it to his girlfriend because they just had a break when he was on vacation. I asked him if she was the love of his life and he told me no, but I'm happy now with her. I don't know what to do now... I didn't contacted him since. After a week he followed me on instagram, liked my last photo and unfollowed me. I didn't hear anything from him after...
What do I have to do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  I would suggest staying away from him right now at least until he breaks up because although he expressed interests and emotions towards you, they may be for the wrong reasons resulting in the build up of positive emotions leading up to the sexual encounter but immediately pulling away the next day.
  - Elle 6 years ago
    But I was seducing him first so he didn't have to build up of positive emotions leading up to the sexual encounter.. I just don't understand him. The day after he told me secrets about his friends and told me things we would have said in our relationship but not as exes... What if he recontacts me if he still is with his girlfriend? What if he recontacts me if it's over? I want him back, but I don't want to be that easy...
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      You don't have to be easy, but you shouldn't play hard to get either. Just respect and love yourself first and foremost, but at the same time, remember your goals and what you want at the end of the day (to be with him).
      - Elle 6 years ago
        Since 3 weeks I didn't hear from him. Our mutual friends started to complain about his behavior, his sister also told me she's tired of him. And one of his best friends started to vent to me because he was crazy about his behavior. He told me yesterday that my ex was very angry with me because I still want him back while I'm just trying to move on with my life and have no contact with him.
        What does it mean that he is so angry about it?
chris 6 years ago
This is 100% correct. Applying It is much harder obviously. My girlfriend of 7 years (I was first guy she slept with) left me. I did absolutely everything wrong. Everything this tells you to do. I did the opposite. 6 months of begging and crying. I eventually gave up. Gave her two months of peace. Start seeing someone else. Got my shit together. Became attractive to her again. Blah Blah. We've been married for 10 years now and have two kids.
I was the biggest tiny tears ever. She begged to get back with me once I got my shit together.
This whole thing is word for word perfect.
The bible.
I have nothing to do with its conception.
Read every word.
Paul 6 years ago
My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me recently. I found your website and read most of it and the links to the other pages. It seems to fit my situation pretty close. I like it! Yes, i want to get her back! She is fantastic! She's had several relationships before me, I had one before her. I thought i was a smart enough and a giving enough BF, I know now I wasn't. She started complaining about things 5 years ago, but she stuck around. She wasn't happy she said, miserable. I argued with her frequently, because I thought I was smarter. She had trust issues with me, that I never fully understood. I gave her endless love and affection as I defined them over the years, even as she was pulling away hoping that would help and it did I suppose since she stuck it out. We had LOTS OF FUN times...I suppose those 2 things are what kept us going. I never took it serious enough though, I know now...and did realize this over the years but other circumstances distracted me all the time. I wasn't wise enough to know better and did little to improve that during the entire relationship. I love her, very much ! I think she loves me..has never said she doesn't. We both have recognized and I believe, still do, a core connection to each other. A true love. She just couldn't take anymore BS I finally realized, she warned me several times it would come and after angry texts from her asking to be left alone, loving to smartass texts back from me (because I thought I knew everything) and emails from me, trying to explain what was right and wrong(because I thought I knew everything)....I finally took seriously she wanted to be left alone. I texted her a very sincere apology and have left her alone. Within her angry texts, were many 'open doors' I felt, still offering something if I would DO something or make an EFFORT. (Wish I would have saw your site sooner) I couldn't see past my emotions and didn't take those offers. Stupidity and lack of relationship experience I feel. Anyway, I like what your website is suggesting, it seems to fit so I'm going to DO something with it and make the EFFORT now. I hope its the DO and EFFORT she wanted. I am worried too as she is VERY SMART and relationship savy she will realize my plan, think it is too orchestrated and vanish forever. This is assuming she'll communicate with me. Thanks in advance if it works!
Angel 6 years ago
Thank you very very very much for the advice! Everyone: follow this advice exactly and there is not a chance you’ll not have the desired result! Actually I’m a mum and used this article to advice my girl who was separated and very miserable She followed exactly what I told her and I prayed it would work as I had no experience at all It worked!! It worked great actually and under the worst circumstances!! Thank you is not enough really!
- Kevin Thompson 4 years ago
  Thank you for sharing Angel.
Maria 6 years ago
hello,
My boyfriend and I were so in love and I am still in love with him but he broke up with me due to us fighting a lot and me not aware of how I behave. I was really cruel to him because I took him for granted. We made a lot of future plans in only our third month. We have dated for 7 months but we used to see each other everday that is why we were so connected to each other. But then he said that he was tired of us fighting and I told him that I am aware of my behaviors and will change and go back to our first four months. He does not believe me at all. He said we should be friends and fall in love with others, after some time I will rethink. I really don't want to break up and I can't stand the idea of him being in love with someone else and looking the same way he used to look at me. Tomorrow we are meeting but I am not sure that he is going be nice to me. Our friend group is the same but I don't think this will make a difference. Please help me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  If you wish to win him back, you're going to have to make some positive changes to your life, which takes time. This is why he feels too that both parties should go their own ways aka giving each other space before thinking about reconciliation. I would recommend considering NC for the time being to work on yourself and focus on picking yourself up emotionally.
Effy 6 years ago
I was with my ex for two years, after he propose we decided to have kids, a month later I was pregnant. Then everything goes down since then, all the negative things happened. After I giving birth, he told me he didn't love me anymore. I was depressed and breakdown. and he broke up with me when our son was 3 months old. He has depression and back then he switched off his feelings became extremely cold. now he says he still love me, I was someone special that he wanted to have kids with. we broke up last April, and last December he started a new relationship, they are together still. but the thing is we are still living together for some reasons that we have to for a while, maybe another year.( his gf doesn't live with us) I always keep the house tidy and he appreciates what I have done.
we sing , dance with our son, have lots laughs all the time. sometimes he hugs me and kisses my cheek and forehead. I'm so confused right now, should I try to get back together?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It would seem like the bond you share with him is definitely stronger than with the girl, and she could simply be an escape mechanism that he turned to every time he wants to run away due to his depression. With the family, living together, and even having a connection, you should try talking to him about it with regards to getting back, or at least the idea of it.
Ben 6 years ago
My ex and I of 4 years had only ever dated each other, neither of us ever dated anyone before we met eachother. I was always satisfied with this and I love her very much, I never saw the need to try new people because I was very happy with her. But 3 years into our relationship she told me she was scared of never experiencing anyone else, and at 4 years, she found herself attracted to one of her guy friends. She decided it would be best for us to break up so she and I could try new people, I believe this decision was also influenced by this friend of hers who is now her new boyfriend. Should I try to get her back or just let things play out as they will (the whole "if it's meant to be than it's meant to be" mentality)? Maybe this is best for the two of us, but at the same I love her a lot and planned on staying with her forever. I don't know if I should try to get her back, or just go out and experience new people and let the cards fall where they will with her and I.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's normal for people who have only been in one relationship to suddenly want to explore new things because they're afraid that there's regret later on in life. At this point, there's not much you can do, because by pressuring her on, you'll only serve to help her realize that she was right in wanting to date other people.
Kaye 6 years ago
Me and my exboyfriend have been dating for 10 months, but we had a lot of argument the past 2 months and he basically broke up with me stating that he couldn't get over the fact i wouldn't give up a relationship with a friend i spent a trip with (which nothing happened between us) and that i never loved him back the same way he did nor he felt loved or complete, saying i was unconsidered and ignorant about his feelings. After many discussions on how we could fix our relationship, he decided to give up although i refused to let him go and i insisted to work on us. At the end i couldn't convince him.

So, after breaking up i stupidly offered myself to became FWB in which he refused so i told him to exchange the stuff we have from each other. He didnt reply back to that, so i decided from there to start the 'no contact rule'. He replied to me after but i haven't yet because i started the challenge.

My question is, should i keep on the 'no contact rule' or should i make the exchange of stuff and start no contact rule from the top? Or wait till no contact rule ends and bring the exchange as an excuse to start conversation?

Thankyou.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  This would be entirely up to you, but personally I would recommend completing NC before exchanging your belongings.
  - Kaye 6 years ago
    Alright, its been already over more than 30 days of no contact rule. None of us talked to each other since we broke up. And we actually saw each other on the street once, and we exchanged a warmth smile. Im still thinking about the excuse of my getting my stuff back from him, to see him. I thought of something like this " Hey, I'm sorry i couldn't contact you earlier about my stuff (because our last convo ended in which he wanted to know which things i needed that he would send them over to mine). Do you think we can meet to get them back? Or if you don't wanna see me, i'll give you my address."
    
    Im not sure about my idea, sounds more like i really moved on or wanna move on. I read your suggestions of texting but i really have no clue what to say, i feel like id look stupid to contact him again, idk, i don't want him to think something like "why is she texting me now?"
Abraham Sahgun 6 years ago
I f**** up. Real bad. I started this program back around late January. No contact ended sometime in the middle of February. Sent the elephant in the room text and got a positive reaction.

For the past five months I have been rebuilding attraction. Very successfully, I might add. It’s been taking longer than expected, but the results have been good. We are at the point, or we WERE at the point (more on that in a bit) where we would be free for each other at any given time. We were texting and talking on the phone every single day, and seeing each other at least once a week. I had finally broken past the barrier where I can be as affectionate as I like, including little random pecks on the lips, and cuddling on the couch making out here and there during movies. We had sex for the first time again. It was great, and she responded well.

I guess I made the mistake of... i dont even know..... getting TOO comfortable? I mean I got to the point where I was literally being affectionate with her all the time like a boyfriend. Hand on the lap, pecks, hugs, and she didn’t respond in a negative way, dont get me wrong. The problem was, as it was before (when we broke up) that she has a lot on her plate. And I mean a lot, financially struggling, an exhausting job (night shift mind you), she finally moved out on her own which caused an even bigger strain financially, her family lives in another country, and she is currently searching for a second job. So naturally, being affectionate, or reciprocating affection is the last thing on her mind.

That being said, and long story short, my temper got the better of me when I started feeling neglected... again. I’m not proud of this, I am ashamed. I acted the same way I would act before. I was so certain I had left that part go during no contact. I know the whole point of no contact period is to work on myself and I did! I swear. Apparently it wasn’t enough? I’m not sure. But after being affectionate, cuddling, sex, the openness of sharing everything, to all of a sudden seeing her so distant again, I guess I just panicked. She was as she was when we were about to break up. NO EXCUSES. I fucked up, plain and simple.

I exploded and we got in a fight. She said “you’re still the same.” Those words hurt. Felt like all my work and patience just completely derailed.. for nothing.

Didn’t talk for a day. And I felt bad. I thought maybe I should wait a few days before I apologize. You know, let the fight fade and have her miss me, much like the no contact period. But I thought, I dont think a second no contact applies here... so i simply messaged her that i was sorry. She ignored my message (left me on read) leaving me feeling like shit. Hours later she replied. Simply said “its ok”.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. I didn’t reply. I havent since. It has been a day. Is there coming back from this? Is the “its ok” a good or bad thing? Could she be so done that this is now meaningless and doesn’t really matter to her? Or is this a positive “its ok”? What should i do now? Should i try to crawl back in? Should i wait a week? Or is it done? Rn i feel I should wait a few days.. but I don’t know.

Advice is apreciated.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Perhaps a change in the way you treat her would be good this time around, but give her some space first. Start off slow, but aim to be the patient and loving boyfriend, especially if you know that she has a lot on her plate. Memories with you should be nothing but sweet, which at least gives her an incentive to turn to you after a tough day/stressful week/etc.
  - Abraham 6 years ago
    Would a second no contact be good here? Without the elephant in the room text of course. I feel a second elephant in the room would sound too repetitive and like a rehearsal. Or how much space do you think I should give her? Should I let her come to me now?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Avoid a second elephant in the room text, and instead simply send a normal text to reach out to check in on how she's been doing. Waiting for a week or two would be good in this case to at least give her some space before reaching out again.
      - Abraham 6 years ago
        What if she is back in this “i dont want a relationship right now” ideal again, due to my familiar outburst that brought her back to where I was before. I assume I should work on rebuilding attraction? And only texting her little by little and not all the time like we already were? Make her miss me some more? How exactly should I approach after reaching out again after a week or two?
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
        Start off slow, because she isn't used to such frequent texting after the distance, and it might come across as overbearing. You should be working to re-build attraction, but not right off the bat. Instead work on building a friendship and comfortable level of communication, before going on to the attraction phase.
pocket55 6 years ago
hi. i broke up with my ex girlfriend (2 weeks ago) for a second time after 7 months. We were together for 4 years now. In Oct last year, we broke up because of my mistake. i was rude to her when she did something i didn't like, and it took me 1 month to get her back. i followed radio silence technique and be very persistent to make a point to text her every 2-3 days. one thing that helped was back then, she was working in a new company and her boss was emotionally abusive. i had the opportunity to be there for her and promised her i will change (and she acknowledges that during this break up that i've changed 90%). the reason for the break up is 1) she wants to explore herself as she's only 25. we got together when she was 21. (i'm 30 right now). 2) she said she can't forget the past hurt that i've caused her. 3) she said i'm a great guy, she still love me and will miss me as we're part of each other already. 4) my dominant character has sort of overshadow her to be independent.

all said and done, i accepted this breakup gracefully and did not beg, pled, etc. to get her back. i was devastated for past 14 days up to now, and i recently found out she told our mutual friend that she feels my insecurity has gotten out of way (i was shocked because i didn't show any sign or do anything to show her that). maybe once, where i ask why are u comparing my size with her gym friends. do u think me being smaller size has anything to do with ur gym friends who are so big in size? maybe its true i have some insecurities, but it HAS NOT gotten out of way. i was rude in that conversation.

now that everything is done and dusted. i'm devastated and i do not know how to go on with my life. i loved her so very much and i want to be back with her. please help me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You might have to consider restarting the process of winning her back after the second NC (which should be longer than the first time), and in the meantime, focus on picking yourself up and working on the issues you felt could've been lacking which led to the breakup.
Scott 6 years ago
Hi, I need some major help. I am 46 and found the woman of my dreams. Our relationship was great, but all of the sudden out of the blue she said that "she loves me, but is not in love with me". I knew this was not the case by her actions, she was very loving, intimate, and by how she looked at me. that was on a Tuesday. I kept in contact with her for a couple days and found out that she was not in the same place I was in the relationship. She said that she felt nervous and rushed into the relationship and was not ready to take it to the next step. On Thursday, she broke it off with me and said she needed time to to think. Well, I was stupid and kept sending her messages and trying to talk to her because it was just such a shock to me, I was having a very hard time understanding. On Saturday, she blocked all my accounts and said she would contact me "If and when she was ready". I have NO CLUE what to do now. Obviously there will not be any other contact unless she initiates it. I know I have to do the no contact now, but is it too late? Is there anything I can do to fix this? She gave me a whole 48 hours after the breakup to calm down and understand and give her the space she needs. PLEASE HELP!!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's common that someone continues to love a person even though they're no longer in love. It simply means that the passionate feelings she might have once had for you has started to fade, but it doesn't mean that she's stopped caring about you altogether (which is why she still shows care and concern). I suggest figuring out what went wrong and where she started to lose her spark for you and see if you are able to re-ignite that spark again.
Zoi 6 years ago
Hi
my ex and I had been together for 3 years(last year of highschool to third year of college-different cities).I broke things of two months ago because we would get intimate rarely the last two month,and when I asked him why,he replyed that we both gained weight and he can't see me as sexually as he used to, but he still didn't want to break up and wanted to work things out,but I was too emotional to think about it then. For the next month after the breakup he still said he wanted me. We saw each other about two weeks ago, and he started being a bit weird... he said he still loves me but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but we can still have sex, or that he is sure that if we took our clothes right then and there we would have sex,or asking me how would i feel if he told me togive him a hug... I told him I still love him and I am not iterested in him being just someone I talk to and occationally have sex with,and if sex was what I wanted,I can find it anywhere I want. Then he started being friendly for a bit,then giving me the cold shoulder the next day. I looked sad and a bit clingy,but didn't beg or acted needy. I recently learned from common a friend that he told her "if she doesn't want me once,I don't want her a hundred times" when she asked how are things between us. To this day we still keep in touch and are on very friendly terms (we used to be very good friends for years before we became lovers) and he usually reaches out,although I'm trying to take some disdance and don't always reply him. I still want after all these things to be with him,and it's not that I just miss him,or the idea of being in a relationship. I miss him for who he is. I really can't understand if it is just a phase or he really doesn't want me. I am willing to try work things out (but not changing my body or myself just to fit his standards as I would never demand that of him) if I see interest from his part,but his behaviour confuses me. what should I do? He is also coming back to our hometown for three days,and asked me to go out for drinks at a place we both used to work and I said ok... I am not sure if it was the right thing to do,or if he will friendzone me if I go out with him for drinks on friendly terms... I don't know what to do...
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It would seem that he lost the interest in having a relationship with you, but doesn't want to deal with the emotional hurt of going through a breakup, which was why he suggested occasionally talking and hooking up - in order to ease the transition. Also, he doesn't seem very emotionally mature and even seems to be acting a little spiteful towards your rejection of sex but still remains conflicted with talking to you in order to not feel the gap at times. If he is still trying to meet up, perhaps he would still have the intention of wanting to hookup or perhaps even reconcile, but I would recommend some discretion on your part to at least ensure he is doing things for the right reason before you decide.
Nicole 6 years ago
Hi!

I was in a long distance relationship and my ex did not feel like I was committed enough to making it work and I slowly began "ghosting" him, but still texted him sporadically over time. As a result he felt manipulated and he now feels as if he cannot trust me. I came to where he lives for an internship and after many conversations he decided that he wanted to see me. I asked him whats new in his life and he told me that he has a girlfriend of nine months, but did not tell me because I thought I would not meet up with him. We continued to text after and ended up seeing each other again and continued to talk after that. We had good conversations about what I did in the past and I allowed him to ask any questions that he needed so he could get closure. After this conversation things fizzled, but he will still text me a few times a day. I want to do no contact, but I am leaving the state and going back home in two weeks and feel that he still does not trust me. Any advice that you could give me?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  No contact might be a better idea at this point since he is already in a relationship, and has not let go of the past yet to fully trust you. It may be difficult to swallow considering that you're leaving and the urge to see him would definitely be strong, but it would be the healthier choice emotionally in the long run to take it slow.
Dee 6 years ago
Hi... I'm super nervous to post this.
I am currently in 'no contact' - I haven't spoken to my ex boyfriend since the break-up, which was about three weeks ago. Our relationship was incredibly close: we were together for two years, we had exchanged promise rings and often talked about our future (marriage, etc.)... I love him so much. He is a genuinely lovely, altruistic and romantic guy and we share so much in common, in terms of interests and values. He used to say I made him so happy, content and that I was his best friend, as well as his girlfriend.
However, I have been suffering from undiagnosed mental illness for the past four years, due to a traumatic/abusive relationship I was in previously. I frequently got overemotional, scared of intimacy or potential abandonment or felt that I was undeserving of him, which meant that I often 'sabotaged' myself by pushing him away. My boyfriend really cared for me; my self-hatred and my fear meant that he constantly felt unable to support me and distant from me. A month before our breakup, we were both in a very stressful situation (exams, among other things) and a fight, over him saying something offensive on accident, led to me having a panic attack. Again, I tried to self-sabotage and said I wanted him to leave me which really hurt him. I was so apologetic and couldn't stop blaming myself for his pain, but he was so cold to me. For a month leading up to the break-up, he barely spoke to me and we only saw each other once. We fought a lot, as I constantly tried to apologise or make amends but also got upset/angry that he would ignore me and the problem...
Eventually, we had a massive fight that lasted hours over the phone and he broke up with me, saying that he was too scared and hurt to keep trying as he felt we would always have the same problems, over and over again. It hurt so bad, and I begged during the entire fight but left him alone immediately after the break-up, saying that I was sorry and that I would miss him and his family. He told me that despite us both loving each other, we couldn't continue and that I would never get another chance.
I accept that the break-up was the best decision as it served as the revelation I needed to get therapy. I have finally been diagnosed and am receiving help for my mental illness. I love him, genuinely, and I want to start a new, healthy relationship with him but he was so angry and hurt when I last spoke to him, and I'm afraid that he won't respond to me if I reach out after 'no contact' or allow me to show him my progress... It kills me that I've hurt him so badly, he means so much to me and has done so much to help me.
I am desperate for any sort of guidance...
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Focus on yourself for now and working through these issues. Maybe 30 days would be too short a time giving the circumstances to reconcile but you could always start off as friends first and see where that takes you. Perhaps start with an elephant in the room text and follow the guidelines in our articles on how to initiate contact with him.
Nicholas Glendenning 6 years ago
Hello, I have a question that has been of concern to me. So I'm almost to the end of no contact, and I would like to send a short letter to wipe the slate clean... however, she has moved and I dont know the address. I made a mistake during the breakup involving social media and she blocked me on facebook... but is still open to texting. She and I work in the same city, maybe 5 minutes apart or less... so I thought maybe I could leave the letter on her car one night after i get off(but I am really worried that it'll come off as creepy stalker), I dont think she'd even read an email, and we were together 9 months so I dont think texting would be my best option. Ideas?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Well, given the options you have left, it seems like texting is still the best way to bring your message across in the right tone. Leaving a note on her car would indeed come across as stalker-ish behavior and may lead to negative consequences despite your intentions.
- Mar 6 years ago
  My husband left me 6 months ago. He is dating some other girl. He’s been lying the whole time abor seeing someone. I finally got fed up and told him I want to divorce as that is absolutely crossing my boundary. I am hoping that this lights some fire under him as he has been telling me he doesn’t know what he wants for the past 6 months but thays because hes been seeing this girl. How do we make this work?
  - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
    You'll have to let him realize the mistake on his own before he willingly decides to come back. Not every situation can be controlled when it comes to a relationship because it requires effort from both parties. If the relationship you had with him was a meaningful one, despite the downward cycle it has taken the past few months, he should begin to realize who he values more after some time apart from you.
Sandra 6 years ago
I broke up with my ex about six months ago after a five month relationship. it was very intense and he was completely in love with me. However i wasn’t ready for such a serious relationship so I broke up with him. i tried to be friends with him but he started acting a little needy so i cut off contact with him. over the past few months i’ve realized that i am ready for a relationship with him because i really did love him and he never did anything to hurt me i just wasn’t ready at the time. I texted him the other day asking to be friends and later that day, my friend told me he was seeing someone. I want to respect the relationship but also want him to know that i am willing to wait for him and in the meantime i’ll do things that make me happy. Is this a good idea? I feel like she is a rebound. he told me i was the love of his life and that he never felt a connection with anyone else like he did with me so i find it hard to believe that he is serious about the girl he started dating shortly after our breakup. Nonetheless if he is i will back off but i also feel like what we had isn’t over yet.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could make known how you feel, and depending on how he responds, make a decision on your next course of action. If he has seemed to move on since the relationship (6 months ago), then it might be better for you to consider doing the same as well.
Shannon Smith 6 years ago
hello,

On the last day of our holiday this week my boyfriend expressed how he didn't find us compatible and still loved me but not in the way to be with me anymore. He said he was feeling it for a while hoping the holiday would prove him wrong but an argument on holiday confirmed his feelings. He has changed his relationship status to hidden but has still kept it as in relationship with me. I love him and really want him back and agreed to being friends because I know he's going through a lot of personal things. What do I do to win him back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Follow the guidelines in our articles, and focus on building attraction with him again after giving both parties some space.
Gigi Cowell 6 years ago
Hi.

I´ve been dumped five weeks ago, after almost 5 years relationship. My ex said he needs space and to find himself.

We did not have children together, but he has at very tight band to my children and are still coming to my daughters party tomorrow. She just graduated from highschool. Because of this I haven´t been able to do the NC, but I have tried to do limited NC, and not talk to him unless it was absolutely nessesary.

At first we were still talking some, but after two weeks I met him and his friend at the local club. We talked and my ex invited med to sleep at his house instead of calling my friend to pick me up. I refused and went home, and he texted me “goodnight” and how he couldn´t get his friend home, even before I had reach my home.

After that I told him to leave me alone because I needed to whitdraw from him, also in order to give him the space he was asking for, and he said that he hadn´t seen that much to me since we broke up. I insisted, and he respected it.I told him that I would contact him about the party. But last weekend he and his friend was out again, and now his friend texted me, asking med to come to the club. I refused again. Then I contacted my ex last Sunday to talk about the party, because he has some tables and chairs I could borrow for the party. He responded immediately, and have been written a few times after about how my daughter was doing, and he also showed up Monday when she had her last examen to celebrate her.

So tomorrow we are having this party, and I don’t know how to act around him during the party.

The thing is I want him back, but he hasn’t said anything about us getting back together. I don’t know if I should do a full NC starting after the party, or if I should go another way.

Please help me see the big picture here.

I apologize for my bad English, i´m from Sweden and just stumbled over your page here.

Hope you can help me.

Gigi
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It's best to act naturally and just have a good time, while paying as little attention to your ex as possible. Focus on your other friends instead and your daughter, and if he still has feelings for you, he may even reach out after the party out of curiosity at why you didn't show him any attention.
Michael Scarn 6 years ago
Does the letter have to be hand-written, or could I type it? My message is solid - warm, funny, expressing the right things but not going too far - but my hand-writing sucks. It's only a few paragraphs (not even a page when typed), but after three attempts to write it by hand, I realize I have the handwriting of a child and it's not so impressive.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could, as long as the mode of communication with her is something that isn't too foreign for her.
  - Michael Scarn 6 years ago
    Thank you!
Chan Li 6 years ago
I came across this website by accident and read through the article. I have been seeing a guy from Tinder for three months. The first two and half months of dating was perfect and I did not see any flaws on him,which makes me feel upset at the moment. We were always hanging out at the same area. I saw him with another woman the other night and was questioned him who she was. He explained it was just a friend but no one would believe such excuse. Ever since that night, we did not talk to each other any more. He texted me back yesterday saying he thought things went out of control and we both overreacted. I replied him saying that we may overreact but he did not say anything. He said he was also upset. I was heart broken and the saddest thing is I still like him. But on the other hand, I don't want to approach him if he does care about me. What should I do? Should I move on? I always concerned of not able to find someone who is better than him. Please help.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  We always fear the thought of not being able to find someone better if we walk away from our current relationship, but the truth was he still went out with another female behind your back, and I'm sure it would be simple enough to find someone who at least won't do that to you to begin with. However, this is also dependent on whether she was actually a friend or not, and why he decided to go behind your back to meet her.
sarah 6 years ago
I met a guy on a dating app and we hit it off right away, the first date we kissed and had a ton in common which is so rare for me. Things moved quickly from there and we were seeing eachother one a regular basis (2-3 times a week), texting daily and I stayed at his place every weekend. He planned great dates and would regularly follow up to make plans. Although on one hand I started to really fall for him, I did have some concerns about his communication. When I asked questions about his past, he was very vague about his previous relationships and closed off to discussing them. He also seemed not very experienced with dating/sex which I didn't mind. He told me he had not had a girl friend in high school or university and had been single for 5 years (so most of his life he has been single). That is the most I got out of him.

After 4 months of dating, he seemed to shy away from complimenting me or expressing any verbal feelings towards me. He never expressed liking me, or told me I was beautiful verbally. I thought perhaps it was a shyness issue?

When I brought up not dating anyone else, he said although he had not been he had been thinking about us and was confused about what he wanted. If he wanted to focus on his career only or settle down. We seemed to be on totally different pages, I was only looking to have the security of confirming we were only seeing each other and trying to understand how he felt about me. He assumed I was asking for a serious relationship and said that the honeymoon stage was over and we needed to think about the future. I was only thinking about the present and was still happy getting to know him but needed to know how he felt about me as I felt alone with my feelings that I was expressing with no reciprocation. In the end I told him to take some space and figure out what he wants because I couldn't continue to date someone that didn't know how they felt about me.

He ultimately took two weeks, and over the course of a few days worked up the courage to tell me that he wanted to focus on his career for the next few years and did not have that special feeling to invest more time in a serious relationship. I was blindsided at the time because I felt like he had put so much effort in to courting me, but tried to be mature. I told him that I think he misunderstood what I was asking for and wanting to figure out with him and that I didnt feel he was open enough during out time together to experience something very special...but if ultimately that is how he feels then I respect his decision. I said I would really miss him but I enjoyed the time we spent together very much and I would eventually wish him all the best. I also mentioned I would be deleting his number for my own sanity. He never responded and I have not heard from him since.

So hear I am 30 days no contact, regularly going to my spin classes again, buying furniture for my new condo, focusing on me...but I feel like an emotional basket case most days still and no phone number to reach him. I really wanted to spend more time with him I feel as though it was cut short and I was still in the honeymoon excited about the future phase. What should I do? Short of showing up at his door step or writing a letter I have no means of contact (except social media). I was hoping I would hear from him soon and hoping he realizes that he made a mistake...any advice would be helpful
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You may have felt like you were in the honeymoon stage, but different people come out of it after different time periods, so he may have no longer been in that phase already. Some guys can be like this (especially if they haven't many relationships before), where they think too logically and realistically, and aren't able to actually put themselves into an emotional sense of understanding their female partners better. You might honestly want to consider moving on and dating someone else, because he has seemed to disconnected himself from you already, and may have even moved on the moment he broke up with you.
  - sarah 6 years ago
    I guess I get in to the honeymoon stage later, for me it takes time me and he seemed to be in it in the beginning and I was holding back because I was unsure. Yes, I did feel emotional distance from him during the last month but he kept following up and making plans and we continued to spend our weekends together that were so much fun. But missing the big elephant in the room, which was discussing what we are. I should also mention we are in our 30's so I am just surprised that if he finally met someone that he connects with that he would just leave to abruptly just because I brought up deleting the dating app. I just thought there was a real connection between us and if he would just open up more I could see a future with him.
Eugene 6 years ago
So, my question is this. I've discovered this information only recently, and my ex left me late last year. The winter and early spring was rough, and I broke a lot of rules. I finally tried no contact as long as possible, and didn't contact her from April till June. I've done a lot of self improvement, but when I broke and finally reached out to her, I think I might have screwed up the process somehow. I haven't even brought up our past at all, and have been trying just small talk here and there, but she seems to be withdrawing from me again. Should I try the no contact period again? Or is there some other way I can right the course of the process to give myself the best chance of doing things the right way?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Sometimes, there may not be anything you would've done to screw the process up, but she simply isn't ready to talk to you regardless and may even think you have ulterior motives, resulting in her defensive and withdrawing behaviors. Typically when this happens, it means that it is still too soon to be contacting her and you may want to give her more time.
  - Eugene 6 years ago
    Does this help or hurt my chances? Should I wait another full 30 days or just see if she says anything back to me and go from there? When would the elephant letter be a good idea on this case?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      Probably give it another 2-3 weeks to even a month if you have to, considering that its been some time since the break up but she still doesn't seem ready. You could send the elephant in the room letter after this NC, and if she does not respond positively towards you still, you might seriously want to consider letting go instead, because she may simply not be interested anymore.
      - Eugene 6 years ago
        Thank you, and I understand. I'm gonna process as much info as I can from this site in the mean time and focus on improving myself and hopefully when things are right it will go much better.
Julia 6 years ago
Can you become close friends with your ex? My ex broke up with me but we were best friends. He is with someone new but is still contacting me. I don’t know if it’s just for friendship or does he miss our relationship? He sends me messages about our serie that we watched together, but the conversation is short and not deep at all. I still love him, and I don’t know what to do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  It may not be possible at the start, especially when the breakup was recent and memories of the relationship are still filled in both party's heads. He could be contacting because he misses you to a certain extent but is conflicted and distracted by his new relationship, resulting in him acting this way towards you. Depending on how recent, I would suggest going into NC for now to give each other some space first.
  - Julia 6 years ago
    It has been 7 months, we had no contact.. I told him lately I don’t want him in my life anymore. He said he was going to try to not contact me, but he sends me messages. I don’t know what to think and what to do?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      If you don't want him in your life anymore, you could always decide to ignore these texts or even block the number if its a persistent attempt.
      - Julia 6 years ago
        But the problem is that we are in the same group of friends..I cannot cut off everyone? And somewhere I still love him and want him back but I don’t know if it’s good for me.
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
        You don't have to cut off your friends, but for the start perhaps meet them separately if you want to meet them, and even if you have to face your ex in the same group, avoid small talk with him and use that opportunity to perhaps even show him that you're doing well and not struggling after the break up.
Jenny 6 years ago
My ex boyfriend are both in our mid-20s and dated for 6 months until he broke up with me out of the blue when I came back from a vacation almost two months ago. He did it via text, blaming it on mental health issues and two days later called me to meet up and talk about it. The whole time he was being extremely affectionate. I told him we could be friends but saw him on tinder that night and told him that was hurtful and cut contact. I realized that I had been acting insecure and reactive towards him and focused on being a more laid-back and positive me. Almost 4 weeks later I contacted him via text. He responded positively and I called him that week and he said he would love to hang out, then went cold on me when I tried to confirm plans. I saw him at the bar that night with other girls and kept my cool going up to him asking how he’d been, then went back into no contact after he ignored my text for a day. A couple weeks later I called him in a moment of weakness but he didn’t answer. He texted me that morning though and we started chatting a bit via text and Snapchat for a few days, and I asked him to hang out. We hung out at his place and just watched tv and talked. I felt confident and he seemed nervous. It seemed to be going great and he was heavily flirting with me, reminiscing and talking about future plans. I was sweet but playing it cool and being skeptical, not flirting too much. After I left he texted me thanking me for seeing him, telling me how awesome and sexy I am. The next day I called him to get lunch but he didn’t answer and texted me 20 mins later saying he was coaching and we had a quick, positive convo. That was a week and a half ago now and he’s ignored a text I sent him of a funny video the other day. Then, last night he posts a Snapchat of himself with another girl, which he never posts them. Did I scare him off for good with initiating too much contact? What’s the best course of action? I want to give it another chance because we had a loving relationship.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Instead of focusing too much on whether you initiated too much contact, perhaps consider what is going through his mind right now, and whether he is actually taking things seriously or not, because it seems like he is interested in flirting around and dating other people at the same time.
Beth 6 years ago
Hi! I was dating this guy (unofficially because we never really discussed labels) for about a month. He’d text me every single day and we’d talk for hours. We had amazing chemistry and common interests. He said he found me very interesting and he’d always ask so many questions about me. We hung out a handful of times and had a great time together (no sex -although we did get somewhat “intimate” during our last date). After I got home that day I sent him a message along the lines of “I’m not a F**k buddy” because it seemed to me in that moment that all he wanted was to get physical. I immediately regretted the message because I realized how mean and out of the blue it’d seem to him (plus, he hadn’t really treated me like someone just you want to sleep with). However, he read the message before I could delete it from the WhatsApp conversation and everything changed at that point. He got upset and shot down, I panicked and sent him more messages and called him about 6-7 times during the 24 hours that followed. I wanted to verbally apologize so badly. When he finally answered after two days he told me that he “wasn’t as interested as he was before” and that he had ended longer relationships because of the way someone spoke to him. He also said he missed his friends (he works a lot and only has free time on the weekends) so he’d prefer to hang out with them. He said we could still hang out because he finds me a very “unique girl” but essentially made it sound like it’d no longer be a priority of his. Hearing all of this broke me in pieces because I really like him and any form of rejection is always hard. I didn’t yell or call him names or anything, I just apologized and told him I understood what he was saying. After that conversation I did no contact for 10 days (fearing that doing it longer would not be a good thing since our relationship had only been going on for a month) and then reached out to him via Instagram message. The message was short and relevant (about some interest of his) and he replied immediately, we engaged in some conversation via message about some things I’m doing at the moment .. and then that was it. I reached out again after two days with another “non threatening” text about some specific thing I’m doing now during my vacation.. but this time he didn’t reply, it’s been a whole day and he hasn’t even seen the message (Instagram shows that the message has not been seen). So now I don’t know if I did too much by initiating that second attempt to reach him. I’m really lost because most of the advice I’ve seen out there focuses mostly on couples who’ve been going out for longer than just a month.
I want to have him in my life but at this point I don’t know if my chances have already been ruined. After all, it was me who sent him that message that messed it all up.
Any advice would be certainly appreciated.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Well, the fact that he found you a unique girl shows that he feels differently towards you, or at least did at one point. However, for some people, it is very easy for them to disconnect and disassociate themselves the moment they decide to, and if he decided upon that, may have even started to lose feelings for you as well. My suggestion would be to give it another week or two to see if he responds, before contacting him once more. If he still does not seem to be interested or does not reply, perhaps consider the idea of moving on, because it might end up becoming a painful process to try and wait it on someone who doesn't seem to be interested.
anonomous 6 years ago
Hello. Things moved very fast for my ex and I. We moved in together after only a couple months and a couple months after that we found out I am pregnant. I am almost five months pregnant and he broke up with me two weeks ago. I moved out and am living with my mom until I can find a place of my own. Initially I begged him to give us another chance and said we could work it out and he said he has enough and that he quit caring. 90% of it was my fault. I was so stressed out and nervous that I was taking it out on him. He started getting more distant and drinking a lot more. How long should I wait to tell him I now realize that most of this was because of me and I’m sorry. I honestly see what I was doing wrong and would like him to know I realize that and want to fix it. Being pregnant just adds even more stress to the situation. I truly do think we could get passed this but he doesn’t want anything to do with me right now..
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Under the normal circumstances, one month would be the advisable time to wait before contacting your ex again. I would suggest trying for the same period and using this time to focus on loving yourself right now, especially with the pregnancy on its way. However, given the current circumstances and if one month is too long, at least wait 2-3 weeks to see if he comes around eventually.
  - anonomous 6 years ago
    I understand that I caused a lot of the fighting but how does someone just quit caring about someone they use to love who is carrying their child? It seems like he hates me. I’d like to ask him these things but I know I shouldn’t and honestly he probably wouldn’t even respond. Hopefully waiting 30 days will help but I’m feeling pretty hopeless at this point
glenda 6 years ago
I recently dated someone who seemed to love and accept me more than anyone ever had before. He was unbelievably caring and always looked after me. He was almost over the top in his affection and seemed to wanna get serious very fast. He continued being very affectionate for the entire relationship but I noticed in the last few weeks he was making less and less time for me and started having occasional cranky moments where he seemed judgemental or said he felt pushed into things.

One day we had an argument because he felt something I'd done that was completely unrelated to him was wrong, and I disagreed. After an argument where i tried to defend my actions and he disagreed, he suddenly ended things and refused to talk to me for over a week.

We had agreed to always be good friends if we ever broke up and stay close, so after he started talking again I treated him like a close friend and I tried to find out why he'd broken up with me so i could clarify anything id done to upset him. He will not give me a proper reason and I don't know why. He's given me all these really vague hints about how I "have really hurt him" but wont say how, i "don't accept him", something about how I've apparently lied to him (I havent) but he refuses to tell me what I've lied about, says he doesn't trust me "with anything",says we "never made sense" when a month earlier he seemed madly in love with me, says he doesn't have enough time or patience for me (which somehow wasn't much of an issue when we first started dating despite his busy life) and has told me I should be able to figure out the reason myself. I have no idea where this is all coming from and am totally bewildered and so confused what I did wrong.

I pushed him repeatedly to give me a reason because I was absolutely devastated at not knowing why, and of course it just made him more distant and agitated.

I've finally decided to calm down and stop pushing and go no contact and try to attract him back... but what I don't understand is....if he does come back ... how do people get trust back after something like that? How do people forgive their best friend and greatest supporter for suddenly dumping them and refusing to say why, even when they saw that not being given a reason was killing them? How do I ever feel safe with him again after that? How do I ever get over the really mean things he started saying during our post breakups fights, like that he might never see me again, or that his job and hobbies are more important to him than me? Even if he was just being mean I'll always wonder if he meant it now. How do I ever feel safe with him again when he watched me have a breakdown over our breakup and wasn't there for me and was still mean?

He was so incredibly caring towards me when we were dating... I'm trying to be understanding that he's upset about something but I feel so betrayed.

I want our trust and closeness back so much but don't know how that's possible. How can a relationship ever achieve the same level of closeness after a really painful breakup?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You'll have to understand that being good friends have nothing to do with the relationship once you get involved with each other and promises to remain good friends should the relationship fail simply holds no value anymore. As for the reason why he broke up with you, it often is due to taking the other party for granted, and growing intolerant to that person over time. This results in one party feeling tired of being in the relationship and simply pushing blame and thinking whatever the other person does is wrong.
lara 6 years ago
I have a bit of an issue with a guy I was seeing about a year ago. We had a crazy thing between us for 3 years where we fought a lot. Eventually he completely cut me out of his life for 3 months, stopped taking calls and blocked me on social media, saying he'd had enough. We didn't speak at all.

A few months ago he unblocked me of his own accord one day. We started talking again and he was very resentful and moody at first and didn't really wanna talk and accused me of ruining things between us, but over time he calmed down and started getting flirty.

I'm now stuck. We talk often and he regularly gets flirty (though he still has resentful moments), and we don't fight at all anymore and haven't for months. We have a lot of banter where we playfully tease each other as well. However, if I ask to meet, he says no, and explains that he believes we are only getting along well because he is "keeping me at arm's length" and that if we get closer we will fight like we used to.

I've dated two other men since him, plus ive had shorter flings, I've have had a lot of time to detach and relax and feel FAR less needy around him... I think things could be better this time and that I wouldn't be as emotionally reactive as I used to be with him, but he flat out says doesn't believe that. He used to tell me in the past that i had no idea how strongly our fights used to affect him - so now he doesnt want any chance of going back there and hes happy just keeping it light and friendly but distant. How can I get past his resistance about meeting? I believe that if we meet once or twice he will see things are better and calm down... but I can't get that initial meeting to happen
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You're probably going to have to give it time until he is ready at least to meet up. There's no telling for certain how long it would take, but sometimes pulling away could be an effective way of getting him to realize that you're important and he chases after you or could even end up requesting to meet up on his own accord for fear of losing you.
Kim 6 years ago
We dated for over 8 months. Everything seemed like we were going in a good direction. We both introduced each other to family. Which is huge and serious. But one day after a small argument he tells me that we should break up. Out of the blue. Said that he’s feelings for me changed that he didn’t see us in the future that we should be friends. I think that he has commitment issues since he’s never been able to keep a long relationship before me. We always made it a joke and now that joke has me hurting. Last time I talk to him we had a civil conversation where I kinda pleaded to him that we should try some mire that things can work. He said give him time to think and that he’ll text me. It’s been a week. What’s going through his mind? What should I do? Is it over for good? Did he tell me he’ll think about it just to be nice? Will he ever come back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You're probably going to have to give it a little more time, before trying to contact him again for an answer if not he may think of you as too desperate. Often though, a guy wouldn't really 'think' about it, but instead shut off from the negative thoughts and distract themselves with other things so you'll probably still have to check in eventually. You're also going to have to understand what made him suddenly feel this way (that you're both not going to work out), and if it was something that happened overnight or were there underlying feelings of unhappiness on his end that led him to build his thoughts in this manner.
  - Kim 6 years ago
    I’m trying to find out and figure out why he got to the point he got of feeling that way but he won’t tell me. He said he was happy. How do I get him to tell me if he won’t even talk to me or express his emotions
Dupin086 6 years ago
Hello, been reading through the posts and I would be very thankful for some insight on my situation.

My ex(27f) and I (31M) had avery intense but short relationship (3 months, even though we liked each other for longer than that). At the time of the breakup she started having a lot on her plate, studying something new, working on a project and starting work practices all at the same time, and then it was me, being afraid of losing her and showing it sometimes, I was making her stressed in a time where she needed space and support and ended up breaking up with me. I got into an emotional mess and during the break up day I tried everything, text, mails...She got fed up and blocked me.

So she did the break up and the no contact...After 3 weeks I sent a text saying that I was sorry for things went and that I would really like to talk with her, I also said that I missed my best friend (refering to her), it's not like I want to friend zone myself but we started out being best friends and I know that's an important thing for her.

She said that once she finishes everything she was doing we would talk, that she needed space for herself...And the same day she did finish I noticed that she did unblock me. I didn't initiate that day, but the day after and late like 8 or 9pm, being casual, asking how the studies and the project went. She was very short and I congratulated and she replied with a simple "thanks"...Then she asked me about my day an hour later. We did talk for a bit and she was talkative, I was able to say that I was doing therapy to overcome my fears, that I knew the origin of them now and afterwards I just said sorry to her for what hapenned between us and she was like "it is ok now, things happen for a reason, you have to look forward now and be happy with yourself", things like that...I did leave it for a bit but I told her that there were a thousand things I wanted to tell her but that I knew I had to shut up, and she said "I told you, once I finish up we could talk, if you are going to feel better do tell me", and I told her that I would like to meet in person to talk and she agreed.

Now I'm keeping LC.

Yesterday I sent her a joke in the morning and she just replied with smily emotes.

Today she initiated to say that "confirmed, we can meet on Sunday if you are available", we did some small chat that I kept light and that's it, I'm meeting her in 2 days...

I'm a bit nervous about how to approach this, I know I have to be light, to look like I'm making changes (which I am), to look positive and happy even though I'm not always like that. But there is a part of me that really wants to be serious and tell her to bet for me, not to take me back (I know I don't have to be pushy at all) but to allow me to show her how I'm overcoming things? Is it a bad idea to be a bit intense with a person which I had a lot of intense talks? I want to tell her my true intentions, that I do want her back, but that I'm willing to wait and for her to see that I have changed...I guess my question is, it is ok to voice the real itnentions in this manner? To even say, look in this time alone I did realize I do trully love you, and that it is not coming from a place of fear?

Thanks a lot for any answer!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Since she may honestly be expecting you to come across as intense and want to have a serious conversation, perhaps it might be better to do the opposite and start by being light hearted and while addressing some of the issues during the breakup may be needed, at least ensure that she has a good time and that stress isn't added onto her plate now or she wouldn't even want to consider the idea of getting back together. By letting her enjoy the weekend (and date with you so to speak), you at least 'show' her with your actions that you're capable of change and that you understand how stressed she is and you just wanted to help her unwind - which could work a lot more positively in your favor than having a serious talk.
  - Dupin086 6 years ago
    Well she did say she came ready to have a hard time and so at first it was difficult for both of us, we ended up laughing and she grabbed my arm and everything at the end of the day so I guess she ended up relaxing and enjoying herself, said she was glad to have seen me...She said she won't have a relationship with me but agreed to continue to meet up and that after I expressed my true intentions and feelings, that I was commited to change, that I loved her and that I didn't gave up that dream, so we did have an intense talk first thing and then we just enjoyed each other's company. So I guess...There's hope there. In my opinion now I have to continue improving myself, being a friend for her like when we started and just be trully patient. While I wasn't expecting to get back together right there and then it went well I think, now I can see her again and continue to show her that I'm commited to real change and that I'm there.
    
    Thanks for your answer!
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      All the best. As long as you remain patient, and avoid putting pressure on her, while continuing to build a positive connection with her bit by bit, the chances of winning her back eventually is definitely there.
Anon 6 years ago
My partner and I separated after 4 years together in January. We have an 18 month old baby boy together.

He broke things off with me and the same day he was contacting a mutual friend/backpacker who worked on the farm with us. She was traveling for 3 months but they were in contact every day and by February had said "I love you", as well as making future plans such as moving away together and getting married.

I was still sleeping with him during this time in the hope of getting back together... When the other girl returned they were sleeping together but he didn't tell me! They then broke it off and he came back to me to try and sort things out.

We have always been in contact and I think I have broken every rule listed on here! He wanted space to clear his head but I have constantly messaged him as I don't want to lose him. I do want to get him back and last week he suggested that we move back in together to give it another go.

On Monday, I brought up the other girls name and it ended up in a big argument. I have major trust issues now after what has happened but he doesn't understand! The same girl is working with him AGAIN. He has since called it off with me and has started messaging her again. He says I have pushed him too far this time and I am stressing him out with mentioning things that have happened. That I ruin everything and there is no going back.

What should I do now? Do I just leave it and move on or do you think there is any chance of us sorting our relationship out in the near future?

Thanks xx
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Well, at this point he does not seem apologetic at all for cheating on you and leaving you for another person, so there's honestly no point in making an effort on your part to mend things because it would only reinforce that his behavior was not wrong. Even if you did manage to win him back, the same issue may occur again, as he does not do anything to make it up to you, and you remain with trust issues, which would eventually lead to the same type of breakup happening.
Tien 6 years ago
I asked my friends if these "How to win your ex-girlfriend back" videos are true and do us guys have a chance of doing so. My girlfriend of 5 months broke up with me a week ago. We texted back and forward and she said she felt like we aren't right for each other. We came back from a trip from Arizona and she said while we were visiting her sister my behavior opened up her eyes and she saw me differently. She said she felt like I was isolating myself from her sister and her sister's husband, which I wasn't. She felt like I didn't want to be there. I DID want to be there with her. Of course I did. I didn't know what set that off. I felt the cold shoulder she was giving me half way through the trip and my mood change so I began to felt moody as well and that made things worst, but of course I didn't ignore her sister and her sister's husband. I was trying to focus more on what is setting her mood differently. We came back from the trip and she texted me when she got home that she needed time to think and through text she told me she was upset with me during the trip. She said she need space and didn't want to text me, so I skipped a full day of text and the day after she texted me to end things. I emailed her and texted that I love her very much and I believe we as a couple we go through bumps the first few months and if we love each other we can make it work. Correct small things early to get through bigger things in the future. She said she made up her mind and she isn't going to change it. She said she love me still but we're not meant to be. I know this is long but wanted to get all the details out. Does it look good and do I have a chance still? I want to have hope and faith that we will get back after I give her more time. She said time won't make a difference. Was she saying that because it was in the moment or does she really need more time to re think things? I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You're going to have dig a little deeper and try to understand what caused her sudden change of heart. Often, unless the person has commitment issues and is always looking for a way out of the relationship, thoughts of not working out usually don't develop overnight and have larger underlying issues tied to it, just that the other party may not have brought it up. Your chances are dependent on what this underlying issue is, and whether its something that can be resolved or not to win her back.
Alexandra VanBiesbrouck 7 years ago
Hello.

My name is Alli and I was with my boyfriend for about 4 years. He broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago because he found out I had been using his debit card to get my nails, buy clothes and also pay for my car. I never stole his card though. He would always give it to me on the weekends to go to the grocery store and buy booze if we were having people over. He makes a lot more money they I do so he never had an issue with it. He also gave me his PIN and trusted me. I honestly did not spend a lot but once he found out he kicked me out. At first I was so sad and still am but I now know what i did was beyond awful and a breach of trust. He did the right thing and I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. He told me that he cares and loves me but If i truly care for him I will give him space and he will reach out when ready. I have no contacted him since then. I want to everyday but I know if I do then I am showing him I do not care about how he feels. He told his parents we are broken up but did not tell them what I did. I am very close with them by the way. He still has all of our pics up on social media and so do I and his parents. I was too ashamed to tell him I was falling behind on my car and embarrassed and thought he wouldn't want to be with me if he found out. I want to pay him back but he says its not about the money it is the trust. His good friend told me after a month to take him to dinner and show him everything I have accomplished (saving money and working on myself). He has handled this entire thing so classy because he could have told everyone what I did or told me to never reach out to him or that we are done forever but he didn't. I know you dont know me or him or us but I want to know what you think. We have never had any huge fights like this before or broken up. We are happy and have so much chemistry together. We both cried when I had to get my stuff and move back into my dads. I know it was very tough for him. Hes such a genuine, good guy that I dont want to lose him or his family. I hope what I did can be forgiven. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. I have already been following the no contact rule. Just want to know how to win him back and show him I have changed because I really have been working on myself.

Thanks, look forward to hearing back.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  Right now, give him the space he has requested for and spend this time doing what his friend had advised (working on yourself and making changes to your life). You can't control the timing on when he reaches out to you, but the least you could do is show him that you're sincere about making it up to him and have made efforts in taking the first step forward. He may not forgive you entirely, but at least he knows you're sincere about fixing things and may decide to give things another shot.
  - Alexandra VanBiesbrouck 6 years ago
    Thank you so much for the advice. I ended up sending a text two days ago just to check on him (nothing emotional) but I know I shouldn't have. He then last night blocked me on Instagram and deleted most of our pics. I think that is a nice way of saying leave me the heck alone until I am ready. Just very shocked after 4 years. But I will hold strong. Hopefully things will work out for the best.
Liz 7 years ago
I did the 30 days no contact but he call me the last day of no contact. And I spent the night at his house. Then he stopped contacting me again.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could try initiating contact with him, if he does not reply you, go back into NC for another 2-3 weeks.
Danni 7 years ago
Hi, so like so many others my boyfriend just broke up with me 3 days ago. My mind is definetly in the overreacting stage. We’d been going out for 8 months and honestly it was fantastic, I’ve never felt like somebody loved me as much as he did. I would wake up to “good morning, just a quick reminder that I love you” texts every now and then, and we never really left the honeymoon phase. So 4 weeks ago I went on holiday and he called me saying he missed me and when I got back he seemed very genuine in the missing me and loving me. Last time I saw him 2 weeks ago everything was as normal, very loving to each other, but just kinda curled up on the couch because I had some period pain. I apologised for not really doing anything with him that day and he said “I just feel weightless holding you and being with you, don’t worry.” The next week he began phasing me out over text (usually we would message everyday) until a week ago he shut me out completely saying he had family and work issues. I finally break his silence and he comes over and breaks up with me. He told me that it had been on his mind constantly for the past 2 weeks and everyone said noticed the anxiety change in him. He said he couldn’t sleep because he didn’t know what to do. When I asked why he said it was just all in his head and he couldn’t get it out. He said that it was him and not me and thanked me for being the best girlfriend he’s ever had... all the time he seemed emotionless and hugged me loosely. I was/am devestated, from my point of view nothing happened or changed and he was extremely out of character. Even his friends and family messaged me after saying how shocked they were and asking how I was. Of course I want him to come back and say it was a mistake but I don’t know if he will. I havnt contacted him since but his best friend wants to meet me for coffee next week... so do I meet her and break the no contact rule? Also is there a point? I don’t want to try for something that clearly won’t happen. I just need some outsider advice :(
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  This seems like something that can be salvaged, since everyone on his side is equally as shocked and his best friend has even asked to meet you. Perhaps go meet her and hear her out before deciding on what to do next, because it might honestly not be something you did, but something he developed (anxiety, etc) and may need help.
Jenny 7 years ago
After no contact, my ex and I have spoken here and there for a couple weeks (mostly initiated by me) and we finally hung out for the first time the other day when I texted him asking to. He seemed nervous at first but we had a good time and he was reminiscing on our past times a lot, also heavily flirting. I was only a little flirty and didn’t bring up the relationship. He also suggested future times we should hang out several times, and we were having fun. After I left he texted me thanking me for hanging out with him, saying how sexy and awesome I am. He stopped responding but we exchanged a few snaps. The next day I called him intending to ask to get lunch but he didn’t respond and texted me 20 mins later saying he was working. We had a brief conversation that he initiated and I haven’t talked to him since. Am I overthinking or did I totally scare him off by calling the next day? Should I wait for him to contact me?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
  You could wait for him to contact you or contact him again after giving it some breathing room, depending on which you feel more comfortable doing. Either way, I would suggest probably giving it some space now to not come across as overbearing.
Par 7 years ago
Hi. My ex bf broke up with. Me about 6 weeks ago after about 4 yrs. We had a colse emotional and physical connerction, at least i felt so, and our relaionship was gettind great the last 4 month and we had a plan to marry. But suddnly he said that he can't do it anymore, he said he had cheated on me several times with meaningless sex bcz he wasn't satisfied with our sex, he said i could never accept him and kept arguing with him frequently(i agree i was so insecure) and he said he became who i wanted but didn't. Give him what he wanted so he wasn't happy and he was always stressful. Siad his good behavior recently was because he didn't want to upset me and was fake- which i dont believe. He says he loves me but love is not enough and he behaved me really nice when i was acting crazy till now. I do regret my behavior and i want him back. I wish he doesnt give up hope for me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Use this article as a guideline on what you should be doing, and improve on the areas you were lacking (insecurities, etc) before considering trying anything again. He could be right, but keep in mind that his cheating behavior is still wrong as long as he was in a relationship with you regardless of his reason. He could have expressed and communicated with you regarding what he felt instead of cheating just because he didn't feel satisfied with the sex. Do think about the entire situation and relationship, and decide for yourself whether he is right (about your shortcomings as a reason to break up) or just being unreasonable and finding excuses.
Roger 7 years ago
Me and my girl were together for a 1 month but not officially. We both say “I love you”, we cuddled, hug, kiss, go out together, everything does like it is relationship kind a thing. At first all things were fine but there are some imperfections and flaws of mine, like not giving her enough attention, not communicating about our needs and wants, and acting like a jerk sometimes that she accepts it at first because she loves me. But things get out of control, I repeatedly started those things she doesn’t want me to do again. I screwed things up over and over again, she gets really angry and said i was too immature of my age, btw i’m 19 yo and she is 18. At the end of the month she started to act cold and i am comforting why did she acted like that she told me that she didn’t like my behaviour and got turned off by how i act, she even felt sorry for getint tired of us because of my behaviour. Then she reason out why it came at end then i went nuts, begging, pleasing, that i am gonna fix it right away and begging her to stay. I got no reply. Should i pursue her? Or move on and improve myself?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Definitely focus on improving yourself first before trying to win her back again. However, since you've been together only for a month there may be a possibility that she would move on so you'll have to prepare for that. Use this as a learning curve on where you're lacking and work on improving yourself, and if you want to win her back after, you should treat it as if you were chasing her for the first time.
Charlotte 7 years ago
Hi Kevin,

I have recently read your article today and it’s helped me so much. I have been on/off with my ex for nearly 2 years. I done the break up. He told me a few weeks ago that I needed to move on and he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I panicked and started coming out with feelings. I didn’t realise that it was wrong and practically started begging. I’m sticking to the 30 day challenge but I mistakenly messaged him this morning miss reading your article and said I wouldn’t be contacting him for a while and I’ll message him at some point again. Is that wrong that I said that? That’s all I said. I will be messaging him again in mid July just to see what he says about meeting up again and see if he agrees. We kind of need a break and I definitely need this as I have been such a mess. I wish I found this article sooner as I was really unhappy and we panicked because we didn’t want to lose each other. Maybe it’s over now for good, but I need this challenge to make myself feel better and start thinking of myself for a change.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It's always better to be late than never realizing the mistakes made at all. You definitely didn't ruin your chances or made a mistake in texting him about no contact, and as you've said, no contact should ultimately be for your benefit as its meant to pick yourself up from the breakup and become a better version of yourself, which should in turn convince your ex to come back when he sees the changes.
Imogin 7 years ago
My ex broke up with me two weeks ago, because of a text I sent him AND he broke up with me over the phone. We have broken up maybe ten times already this year and I am honestly so drained. He is extremely controlling, jealous, possessive, obsessive and verbally and mentally abusive. But HE broke up with me after I put up with all those horrible traits he has. But for some reason, this break up hit me real hard. HEs not the same guy I met in the beginning and I’m starting to think THIS is really who he is. He said he won’t change and that there is nothing wrong with him and that this is all my fault. I have become obsessive like him and I’m feeling so lonely and sad, over someone who once even called me a whore because he has zero trust in me, and I have always been honest and loyal to him. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to get out of the house and do things that I like but I’m feeling a little depressed over it. I don’t know he still has this much power over me. I even called him crying and screaming telling him I’m having a hard time over this break up and I think he’s getting a kick out of it. I feel like he stole my mojo cuz I used to be so tough in the beginning. Now .... I lost my female balls and I feel like I will never find someone again who will love me like he did. But why would I want someone to love me the way he did when clearly it was a toxic love. Any advice on how I can get myself back? I’m more concerned about getting my balls back rather then him. I apologize for the language but this is the best way I can’t describe what I feel. He controlled me so much that even without him I still feel like I’m under his control. Any advice please?!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  First and foremost, cut all contact with him and even block him on social media or messaging apps if necessary. If you want to regain your composure, the first thing you need to do is stay as far away from this toxic relationship and the cause of the toxicity in the first place. Its inevitable that we become less than who we usually are in toxic situations because of the constant negativity, and in order to regain control of yourself and your usual self, these are areas you should avoid coming in contact with.
- carly 5 years ago
  I'm messaging because I am in a somewhat similar situation. My ex is an alcoholic who was very controlling over who I spent time around. We argued quite a bit, it was really rough coming to terms with the fact I had to choose him over my closest friend. I just wanted to know how you are feeling now and if you are now happy with how things worked out? I could really use some advice from someone in a similar position.
WT 7 years ago
Me any ex dated for over a year. He recently stopped communicating with me about four months ago. He will not give me a reason to his decision. I’ve begged and pleaded the last four months. He responds periodically but will not answer directly if he has broken up with me. My question is simply “are we done” “are we not dating anymore” etc. he never responds to those questions of why but if I say good morning or something general he will respond (sometimes) but takes hours to do so. I’ve just recently started to use the no contact rule, since yesterday. I do desire to be with him but I’m so emotional and I think I need to get myself together and calm down. I imagine he has started a relationship with someone else but he won’t answer that question either. Do you think it’s a chance after the 30 days that this situation has a chance? I will with all my might not contact him and work on being stronger regardless if we rekindle or not. Our relationship was good, not strong though we’ve never had major issues I do realize the lack of communication with each other if there were issues. What are your suggestions to this? Thank you
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Someone who's been acting this way obviously has something to hide. I don't recommend wasting your time, since he won't give you anything to go on and does not want to deal with any emotional topics and only makes casual small talk with you. He's supposed to be your partner, but if he's acting this way, you should move on too and not allow yourself to go through this emotional trauma and uncertainty.
Michael Tellez 7 years ago
Hi there, I have been reading tons of advice you guys offer to permanently get your ex back and recently me and my ex broke up 1 year and 8 months into the relationship. We broke up because she said that I didn't love myself, which I realize this now because I had so many insecurities that caused the energy between us to go downhill with my jealousy, trust issues, and depression. I realize all of mistakes now but the 1st week after our breakup I was super needy and desperate, I would contact her and make up lies to just see what she was doing and just to talk to her. I have recently started the no contact with her hoping that maybe she will miss me when she is wondering what I am up to. She told me that I need to move on and just do things that I wouldn't be able to do in relationship such as flirt with other girls, go to certain type of parties, talk to my friends constantly and to just have fun period. She says she has faith with us but she has no idea when she will feel ready to go back into a relationship with me. She also said I have to move on and let go and come back when I have a chance, "To let the bird fly away and if it's meant to be then the bird will fly back." I am just worried because from the looks of it she has already moved on, went to three parties already, and I know she is talking to this guy. I accept that she is doing all of this because I know she just wants to have fun because I used to be manipulative and controlling. I know all of my mistakes now and during this no contact period I want to work on myself and love myself. I accept the fact that if my ex don't want to get back together that I shouldn't sweat about it because I will find someone else, but she has made such a huge impact in my life that I just simply choose to be with her. She simply made me happy but I didn't make her happy. What could I do to fix all of this and perhaps start a new relationship in the future. I wont see her for 8 months because I will be in the army then after that I will be attending the same college as her. I hope that by the time I come back she will be single and had the fun she wanted to have so I can talk to her about giving us another chance. Thank you for you time.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Since winning her back in the next 8 months will be beyond your control, I suggest not thinking about winning her back for now and as she's said, to simply move on for now and to just focus on yourself instead. If the relationship was a meaningful one to both parties, the opportunity would always present itself again in the future, and should you want to give it another shot at that time, then you can always consider things again.
Linda 7 years ago
Hi me and my boyfriend of 9 months just broke up. It was an out of the blue break up that left me confused and shocked. Everything seemed good to me we had only gotten into one disagreement the whole time we were together. But our relationship was hard. He worked the graveyard shift so we only got to see each other on the weekend. During the week our schedules were opposite. When I worked he slept and vis versa. So we would try to communicate as much as we could right before the other one would go to work. He met my family enjoyed time with. Literally was hanging out with them the weekend before and out of the blue one night he told me we should break up. That he felt like he couldn’t be the boyfriend I needed and that he felt we hit a Plateau. That he felt that he should be feeling a certain way by now but wasn’t. I.e. his longest relationship was 8 months before me and he’s 36. I miss him and want him back I don’t understand why this happened out of no where.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Males can sometimes have this tendency where we internalize our thoughts and emotions too much, that something may be bothering him but he never said it out, and in the end only acted upon his feelings without really giving you a chance to explain or understand what was going through his mind. Perhaps you could ask him and try to find out what it is, and whether its something that can be worked on together.
  - Linda 7 years ago
    Well I ended up dropping off his stuff and even though he didn’t agree to talk to me that night he said that we could talk the next day. So we set up a time and I came over and we talked. Our conversation didn’t really seem like it went anywhere. Seemed like the exact conversation he gave me the night he ended things. But checking out his apartment everything was the same. He still had a puzzle we put together on the floor, my dogs chew toy in the corner, and our framed pictures and ticket memory box right next to the tv. Am I reading into things that there’s still a chance since he hasn’t tossed any of that or hid it away.
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
      I wouldn't recommend you get your hopes up simply based on this, as there's a chance that he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Reading too much into the little things and getting your hopes up may result in your disappoint when it turns out to not be the case, and may even accelerate his actions (i.e getting rid of the things) if you bring it up.
      - Linda 6 years ago
        I totally understand that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But in all honesty do I have a chance at all of him reaching out to me one day? Or should I just face it that he just doesn’t want to be with me. I know he said he’ll think about it but I feel like it was just something nice to say.
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
        It would really depend on the type of person he is, but perhaps for now just go with NC as found in our articles, and focus on loving yourself first. Pick yourself up from the breakup, and if he contacts you again it would be a bonus. Sometimes a guy doesn't know what he's lost until he's actually lost it, and desperately comes back, but other times they just end up not thinking about it and may have even decided to move on the moment the breakup happens. As I've said, it would really depend on how he is as a person - that would determine what he does.
      - Linda 6 years ago
        So since the last meet up at his apartment. I left him alone. 6 days after not reaching out to him and trying to do the NC. He texts me late at night while I’m out with friends saying he misses me and if I could come over. I was dumb and called him an hour after I received the text and ask him why he wanted me over and if he was drunk. He said no that he had honestly just woken up and that he didn’t realize how late it was that he missed me and if I could come. I asked for what and he said to talk. I got my hopes up thinking he was gonna give me answer to thinking about us and giving us a chance. I further asked him what he wanted to talk about and then he became vague. Then I felt like it was just a late night booty call and told him that I wasn’t that type of girl and to not treat me as one. He then continued to ask if I would come over that we could talk but never said what about. He then was like forget it’s a bad idea and maybe we could tomorrow instead. I told him I was busy tomorrow but I’ll see. Tomorrow came and by the evening I texted him like an idiot I feel if he still wanted to talk and he was like it’s not a good idea, I’m sorry. I replied with I guess we know why you really texted last night and he stop replying after that. What do I do now? I want him but then again now I feel like I shouldn’t
B.C. 7 years ago
Followed all the no contact advice and the texting advice. With the help of some friends things have been going extremely well over the past week, lots of heart to heart conversations about what went wrong and how we could've done it better/differently. Things were also moving very quickly. Too quickly. We hung out every day this past week, had friends meeting eachother, and were kissing at the end of our talks.
We wound up having sex 2 different times.
The last time we had it, we had spent several hours at her house and then at mine. Towards the end of the night we had been speaking for 2 hours and she talked about how she didn't want a relationship but her fam was pressuring her to be with me, especially over the last few days.

I said that's fine and that it should only be her decision. We started kissing like we usually had.. But I convinced her to come sleep over..

The way things went the next morning really made it look as if we were a couple and she was definitely not comfortable with that. She ghosted me since.

She told our mutual friend that she's still up for hanging out in groups and that she really liked the romantic things I said to her.

Attraction: check
Trust: 7/10
Connection: 7/10 but fading.

Should I send an elephant in the room text saying i need space?

Thank you so much in advance for reading this.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  I would suggest that you bring up the issues that she may currently be feeling uncomfortable with, such as the speed of how things have been going, etc. Let her know that you agree that things have been moving too fast, and suggest slowing things down. If she does not respond positively even to this, consider going back into NC again.
Sasha 7 years ago
Hi.. i need help :'( Could we connect via email?
- Kevin 7 years ago
  Hi Sasha,
  
  You can purchase personal email coaching here.
mike 7 years ago
Hi there, what does it mean when it takes my ex about a week to reply to my text messages? This has been happening for 1.5 months ever since I broke no contact. However, when she does reply, she has been replying positively! Perhaps it is time and would be best to arrange to meet up with her?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You could try to arrange for a meetup, and use this as a chance to see if her replies to you thus far has been a polite gesture, or that she is genuinely interested in remaining in contact but replies slow for whatever reasons.
ldr 7 years ago
Thank you very much for sharing your articles and advice.
I have a situation which i'd appreciate to get some of your thoughts.

my ex and i met 2 years ago. as with most relationships we started off really well, it was intense and passionate and we were really close emotionally and physically. we are gay, in a long distance relationship, we live about 4 hours apart which actually worked well for us. cos he's busy with college and i'm busy with work and we meet about once or twice a month either in his city or in my city.

6 months on, he started cheating on me and i found out. he decided to dump me for the new guy. this guy also lived in a different city about 2 hours away, he seems to like to get attached to guys from outside of his city. initially i tried to salvage the relationship but i later decided to move on and we had no contact for about 4-5 months until it was his birthday and i wished him happy bday. 2-3 months after his birthday he broke up with that guy. through a mutual friend, he contacted me and we started contacting each other again.

He apologised and i accepted his apology and we got back together. withing the 1st month of the apology, everything went well and i was happy things went well between us like before. But within 2 months of his apology, he started picking fights and arguing with me again about things he'd like to buy etc... he's a shopaholic. he wanted to break up with me again.

we had no contact for about 2-3 months and since it's approaching his birthday again this year, i contacted him through our mutual friend to do a catch up. we agreed to hang out, him, our mutual friend and me, the 2 of us for the weekend. an afternoon around the city, for a swim/hike, dinner and drinks at the club and lunch the next day before i head back home.

he disappeared shortly after very quick drink at the club, he told our mutual friend he wasnt feeling well and the next day's lunch he turned up 3 hours late. he later admitted that he disappeared for a booty call with some guy.

our mutual friend was furious as he himself havent met him for half a year too. and we both took time out to hang out with him for the weekend and he just randomly disappeared and stood us up and made us wait for him while he had a quickie with some other guy.

our mutual friend has known him and has been his bff close friend for almost 5 years. this act of his was the straw that broke the camel's back and our mutual friend was furious and gave him a piece of his mind and cut off all contact with him in real life and on social media.

my ex was shocked and kept apologising. my ex apologised to me and he admitted he had been a jerk and horrible person by not being respectful of the time that we'd set aside to go to his city to hang out with him.

he'd contacted me to meet him again, he said he'd like to apologise and explain and also return the gifts i'd given to him.

it's kind of a complicated situation, cos i'd done NC before and we met again and then something like this happened so i'd appreciate some advice on what i should say when i next meet him.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You might honestly want to consider moving on because it seems clear that he isn't interested in committing to a proper relationship at this time, nor does he seem very emotionally stable either, probably due to his age and phase of life.
  - Ldr 7 years ago
    Thank you for your reply.
    He says he still want to be friends.. is that a good idea for this situation?
- Imogin 7 years ago
  If I were you ... I would find someone more like YOU. Someone who takes their time out to travel a distance to see their loved one. Someone who is faithful and won’t leave their boo or their friends to hook up with someone else. And someone who cares enough to write a blog on here about it. I hope for ur sake, u don’t contact this person ever again and be very brief if they contact you. Because everything u just stated seemed like a full circle and it will continue to happen because all this guy will ever think about u is ... “well I messed up before and he took me back. So I guess a few more won’t hurt.” But it has. He has lost respect for u. So either ignore him until he really realizes that he has lost you .... or just try to find someone a little more serious and warm hearted as yourself. Good luck to u. And I wish u the best.
  - Ldr 7 years ago
    Thanks I appreciate your sharing
    He asked to meet me to apologise and return me the gifts I gave him
    I will let it be brief and after that I will ignore him
  - Ldr 7 years ago
    I will let him say what he wants to say and I will just be neutral and let him know I’m happy without him and that I’d moved on
    Anything I should say or not say?
Elly 7 years ago
My ex and I were together for 7 years. In the first year, he looked at some messages and caught me messing around. But i was a kid (19) and we moved past it, it meant nothing. we've been so happy since then, and i never fooled around ever again. i fell in love with my boyfriend so hard. fast forward 6 years to now, he randomly looked at my chat with a friend while we were in a fight (i know hes never done this, not sure what prompted him to do it this time. everything happens for a reason tho bc this was the first time i had some scandalous stuff in my messages.) my messages showed my recent dumb move, i was pulling this crazy long trick on a friend (it spiraled out of control, i lied about details etc...) saying i was cheating when i wasnt. the lies were elaborate and stupid, where i talked about hooking up with someone when i havent even looked in anyone else's direction in reality. (it's silly i know, but my therapist said it has a lot to do with the meds i was on for adhd recently.) anyways, my boyfriend saw this stuff, and told me i have serious issues and that he cant trust me anymore. has told me to get lost for life. doesnt even wanna talk about it. hes oddly very calm and has told me he wont be changing his mind, this is the end and i should really move on because he is well on his way. we broke up and i did everything based on my emotions, send texts, emails, letters, and begged at his place. he told me if i dont stop he's gonna call the cops, and that none of my crying or begging has any effect on him anymore. he says he thought about what happened and he deserves better and wants to move on. ive been getting help and i really would do anything to have him back. i sent a final 8 pg letter yesterday explaining that i am not a cheater, or a liar, or crazy, and that im getting therapy and making changes in my life, and that i would like to speak to him again when i am better. he texted me saying, "good for you. i hope you make changes and i know you will make someone else happy in this life once u do that. im not changing my mind unfortunately, i wish you nothing but the best, please move on." it broke my heart. we are good together. i don't know how he easily moved on so quick, but we both know he can. he's a mature, principaled man. i'd like to do NC, but I dont want him to move on for good during NC. i know he's trying to cut me out of his life bc he's done with me. but i dont want to lose him forever. hes the love of my life. He loved me and treated me amazing. what do you think i should do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You're still going to have to go into no contact if you want to win him back eventually, because he probably has an extremely negative opinion of you after everything that has happened, and is also very likely to be exhausted from the relationship hence would feel that he wants nothing to do with you at this point. You have to give him some space to let go because you contacting him right now isn't going to change his mind. Even if he moves on, you can always re-create the emotions and spark he once had for you, but it definitely wouldn't work at this point.
Kimberly 7 years ago
Hello. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago after cheating on me and immediately started dating someone else. Initially I was needy and crying and sad. However I applied no contact and after about a month, he contacted me and told me he missed me. We are in the same class and see each other everyday. I went back to no contact and he had to cracking the no contact 3 times before we finally sat to have a decent discussion. We had a long talk and he got relieved of his guilt while I got closure for doors he left open etc. I am now at the process of reconnecting with him and it's really confusing. I'm scared and I don't know if I'm on the wrong or right path or on both simultaneously. We talk more now and he's really cool with hanging out with me when there's time. In fact he told me that even his current girlfriend can't stop him from interacting with me. We've had sex about 4 times and I've never acted needy or said nonsense about his new girl... In fact I wished him well with his relationship. However I feel bad because I'm compromising my standards my sleeping with him and I feel like I'm doing a little bit more work than he is for us to reconnect. He said he doesn't love me but willingly cheats on the new girl with me. Also he's very vulnerable and very open and free with me. He said he feels I'm different now and he likes this new me. I'm trying to focus on creating a new deep emotional connection but I'm scared of him feeling I'm readily available and he can always come back whenever he wants. I've not told him I want us to come back together but I've told him that I missed the connection between us and I felt something about us was different. To that, he said we should wait and see what happens in the future. Please where do I stand and what should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  He would definitely like the 'new' you because he gets to have sex with you but doesn't have to deal with the emotional aspect that would follow from a typical relationship, and you would also end up becoming a safe zone to run to whenever he has issues with his current girlfriend. Keep in mind that this 'new' you isn't a permanent one, and I would strongly recommend not lowering your standards anymore by simply giving him whatever he wants and being emotionally there for him all the time while he is still with someone else and can't fully commit back to you.
Eline 7 years ago
I don't know what I want. My ex broke my heart 8 months ago after a relationship of 2 years. We were the best friends. After the breakup he had a new girlfriend after 1 month. They broke up 3 months ago because she cheated. He came back to me, wanted all my attention, but I told him I still have feelings for him but I don't want him back. He accepted it but was mad because he thought I had someone new. He went back with the girl who cheated. Then I decided I didn't want him in my life anymore. I blocked him and deleted him on social media. The problem is that we have a common group of friends. Last week he was posting every day a snapchat in the group. Yesterday he send me a message with an artist in and the sentence 'I think you would like this artist.' Today I saw I had a missed facetime-call from him. To his bestfriend he said he regretted the way we broke up and the way we treat eachother the last months.. He is still together with this girl.
What do I need to do? Does he regret that he broke up with me? Why does he need this much of my attention?!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It could be the realization that you're drifting away or moving on in his mind, that causes him to seek your attention again each time despite being together with someone else, which is probably a rebound relationship to fill his time and prevent him from thinking about you.
Ashi 7 years ago
I dated my ex for 4 years. We studied in the same campus and moved together to another campus to pursue our studies. The moment we came into our new campus, my ex's behaviour changed. He told me he wants to break up. A week later I found that he was with another girl from the same campus and I did nothing but just left it. A month later he came telling me that he wanted me back and I said ok, we got back together. I even asked him the reason behind his break up with the other girl and he told me that the girl isn't sincere and honest to him as I were to him. She even tried cheating on him. Months later again, he came telling me that he was confuse about our relationship and so on. We broke up again and he went back to the same girl again. Every time I confronted him about this issue, the only thing he tells me is that his feelings towards me changed and he wanted me to move on. It's been 2 months now since he is with the other girl now. Last week when I saw him, he cried to me saying that he loves me still but his feelings of being together with me was not there anymore instead it was there for the other girl. He told me to move on and no to wait for him. He said he wants to be with the other girl now. I asked him why does he want that girl so badly when she wasn't good enough and sincere to him and he replied me that the girl changed now. She is much open and honest to me now about everything that is happening in her life. All I could reply to him was Goodluck. His current girlfriend told him to block me in Whatsapp and he did but he still keeps me in his Facebook and Instagram. I'm confused by his actions. Can you help?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It's probably due to the fact that you were together with him for 4 years, which explains why he feels confused about things, but would constantly get back together with the new person. He still shares the love towards you that exists after going through many experiences together throughout the relationship, but has lost the spark for you, which is why he keeps jumping back to the more 'exciting' choice. You're probably going to have to distance yourself and make him realize it on his own and decide which is more important to him.
  - Ashi 7 years ago
    Hey, Yes I could feel the same that he lost the spark for me. I really miss him and I really want to be with him again. Will he ever regret this someday or do I have to do something about it in order for him to realize and regret?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
      If the relationship you had with him was a meaningful one, you shouldn't have to do anything in particular for him to realize and regret ending things.
      - Ashi 7 years ago
        We did had a meaningful relationship but now he seems to be going fine with the current girl. Should I be worried? Is he going to last long with her?
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 6 years ago
        To be frank, no one can say for sure whether the next relationship that our ex gets into would last long or not, but you'll also have to think logically about it and realize that after 4 years of being together with one person, getting into a new relationship with someone else would come across as novel and exciting. It may not be awhile until it actually hits him, and he realizes that he had lost something valuable (you), and decides to talk to you again, especially if the new relationship starts giving him problems.
Jen 7 years ago
My partner and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 9 months. We are both in our early 30's. For the month of April we have been arguing frequently, mainly because I wanted to finally move in together since we have been together for such a long time... everytime I would find an apt that was suitable for us, he would come up with an excuse. After a few weeks of searching, I finally found an apt that met all of his standards. On the following days, I took the opportunity to let him know how I was feeling due to the fact that we have been arguing about the moving in situation, and I was feeling some type of way, including feeling somewhat neglected etc. That same particular night, we got into another argument, this time was because he didn't want to stay over the night. I was so upset because I just expressed to him how I felt and i truly thought he understood my view. The very next day he came over my house to let me know that he needs space away from me to figure things out and to see whether we should stay together or not and says he no longer wants to move in with me. For the 1st 2 weeks I did the whole pleading and begging, then I stopped. It's been a month since we haven't seen each other;however, he still texts me and occasionally calls.. he still says that he loves me and that he misses me. Idk how to interpret his behavior.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It could simply be a fear of committing, especially because moving in together makes it all the more real, and perhaps a part of him isn't ready to do so which explains his frequent excuses and getting upset about it.
Ami 7 years ago
Hi,me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for more than a year .then we suddenly he seemed to be less interested in communicating.he said he started liking a girl there,and i couldn't do much about it. We still keep contact but as he have a very busy career.He told me that things are not the same now snd he does not feel the same love for me and that i am not his kinda girl.
I think we could do it all over again in a better way ,but how will i get him back?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Given how he feels right now, the best thing you can do is to go into No Contact if you want a shot with him again in a better way, because currently, how he feels about the relationship isn't going to change overnight but rather requires certain distance before a second shot can be taken at the relationship.
Tom Taylor 7 years ago
So me and my ex have been going out for ten months and about 5 days ago she said she was unhappy about how ive been treating her the last few weeks (no effort etc), i have very important exams coming up that she knew about which i need to revise for and have accidently distnaced myself from her because of them, i asked her why she didnt say anyrhing sooner and she said 'i wanted to see if anything changed' in the following 2 days she broke up with me and shes just changed her profile picture to something not with us in, she lives very far away 250 miles but i go down as often as i can to see her but its hard at the moment due to these exams and my stress, it seems all rushed and like shes serious but i dont think shes had time to rationalise it properly can you help?!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Probably start by an apology and try to get her to rationalize things through your point of view. If she doesn't want to and insists that she's unhappy still and wants to leave, you could either try going up to her once your exams end and make it up to her, or consider walking away because she wasn't understanding enough to your situation and only wanted what was best for herself emotionally.
Liam 7 years ago
Hi, Me and my ex were together for 3 years and we went out drinking and I cheated on my girlfriend while she was in the room, we didn't have sex but we did do other stuff. I regret it massively and was hoping to ask her to marry me sometime this year. Its been over a week and I have done some of the mistakes of texting her and being needy. I received an email off her explaining to me how I hurt her and in a way shes glad it happened so she no longer has to waste time with me. She has told me on a few occasions she never wants to see me again or for me to contact her. I have recently done the NC rule. Does it look like this is a lost cause or will the NC rule work? How long should my NC rule be bearing in mind she told me she wants no contact from me. I am willing to wait as long as it takes to get her back.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You could try for one month first before contacting her, and if she doesn't respond positively to you, go into NC again for a longer period. She's probably hurt and upset, so it would best to give her some space for now.
Thomas 7 years ago
Hello
My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 6 weeks ago. From there all I had done was being needy and desperate. She would block me and unblock me and all I did was just like a fool was just beg and plead. Honestly I've understood the reason of the break up and I've accepted it and I understand how much I messed up... especially since I was sending her a message that I couldn't change. If you must know I am very confident and I know I can get her back if I do things correctly. We haven't talked in 2 weeks. and since then I've been working on myself and taking my time to understand my mistakes so i could learn from them. I know that she blocked me because i pressured her in such a bad way that led her to that choice and I know understand all my mistakes. I'm a very confident guy know but my question is how should I approach her. I really cannot connect her because she fully blocked me and i don't know if she wants to talk to me because i don't know wether she wants that or not. Now for the past few days she's been looking kind of sad since we haven't talked and she's been kind of starring at me and she also started to follow me ( trying to get my attention in a way) but also she's been trying to act like if she's the one in control and she doesn't really get affected so that kind of leads me to ask you guys What should I do at this point and also why is she trying to get my attention if she acts all so tough like if she's holding all the cards?
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- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  She could still have unresolved feelings for you, but is in conflict with herself to not do anything rash, hence her tough demeanor. I would suggest not playing any mind games on your part to 'get her attention', but rather just be sincere about things. If her feelings for you are strong enough, she'll slowly soften up again.
Glocia 7 years ago
Hi, I had been dating a guy for 2.5 years, he’s a Muslim and I’m a Christian,during this time he was completely in love with me and he has done a lottttt of things to keep me happy and to show how much he loves me... because he was never like this and I could feel it and even his family and friends had told me that he has never been soooo serious before for any girl and I myself felt his love for me then... and I had amazing connections with his family and even most of his relatives side knew me.. though we used to fight a lot we always managed to get back and love each other more.. but the few days before the breakup we had been fighting and that is when he went to his cousins place far from where we live .. he stayed at his ex’s place who is his cousin and he had dated her for 2 years before me ... and he suddenly started getting feelings for her and they were so strong that he went and told her mom that he wants to get married to her and even kissed her and stuff ... but then after he came back from there he has ditched her a million times already by kissing me and getting physical with me and even after that girl knew this she accepted him like twice .. and when there were problems in their relationship ( now it’s almost 2 months since we broke up and since he’s got into a relation with her ) he used to come to me asking if I will or will not give him another chance and that he loves me .. this has happened twice and both the times I used to agree and then we used to get physical ...I have come out of my country that means we don’t meet and he doesn’t even talk ( I have broken 4 rules which are mentioned above because I hadn’t read the article before) so now my ex says he doesn’t want me at all and he doesn’t love me...and again their marriage is fixed like they say they’ll get married after 5 years once he has achieved something in life ..both of us are 20 and his present girlfriend is 18...in this situation where families are involved and where he claims to love her soooo much will is till be able to get him back? Please help ... is it still possible ?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It seems that he is emotionally immature at this stage and is acting upon his emotions at that point which has caused him to switch between the two of you over and over. The fact that both parties have been readily available for him whenever he feels like this only serves to strengthen his thought that he is able to come back whenever he wants to. I would suggest actually limiting all contact with him and and properly going through no contact this time around so that the 'idea' that he isn't always going to get his way may hit him and that he starts to think clearer on who he actually has feelings for.
  - Glocia 7 years ago
    Right now according to him he just feels that she’s the one because it has reached a stage where the entire family knows that they will be getting married in the next 5 years ...can this feeling of his still be changed and can I get him back or is there a possibility that he may stand firm on his decision ?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
      Considering how he swaps around his emotions at times may show that he is only saying that now because of how he's feeling in the moment. Based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's truly ready to settle down yet and he probably only thinks he is. Give it some time, and see how things progress from there.
      - Glocia 7 years ago
        I followed the no contact rule … it’s the 19th day today .. I had to text him yet because of a death in his family … and I got to know about a lot of things which only show that the negativity is still there in him .. he has blocked me off on whatsapp yesterday (the only place I wasn’t blocked on ) even when I dint text him anything else …everyone is just telling me what I’m doing is never going to work and that he’s never going to come back with this behaviour of your because he’s very very very scared to lose that girl .. should I still wait and give it a little more time because it’s still possible or what do I do ? I tried distracting myself .. on self improvement.. but these things just come up and now I’m completely demotivated… I really love him and I really want him back …
Von 7 years ago
Hey Ryan, so me and my ex were together for about 1.5 years and things were pretty great... we had the occasional disagreement but for the most part we seemed to be a good match, we traveled out of the country for her first time, went horseback riding, on cruises left each other notes confirming our affection to one another even got back into the church together. Somewhere we hit a rough patch as het best friend of 9 years confessed his love and it caused friction between us because she was not sure what to do with those feelings and it constantly caused arguments because I told her to cut him off which she tried but eventually refused. Funny thing is her parents wanted me to marry her, me and her mom even picked out a ring... she had even gotten off of birth control and we were trying to have a kid but it didn't happen. Eventually we got into an argument about her best friend again and we broke up... now she's dating him and they travel together and seem inseparable. She would still come and see me without him knowing and she said she loved us both but didn't want to lose him but didn't know what to do because she loved me to... she felt as if she was in two relationships but ultimately began spending less time with me and more with him. She is a very pretty girl which makes it harder because she can have her pick of the litter biiut I really care for her and don't really know what to do.... she wanted to meet for a closure outing before moving on which I began no contact at that point and it's been about a week and I've heard nothing from her... not sure how to proceed at this point
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  I would suggest that you try to stay focused and pick yourself up from this first. She may have the 'pick of the litter', but keep in mind that she did love you through the period you were together and probably still does have certain feelings for you. However, because she is in the new relationship with the other guy which is 'novel', she definitely has taken a stronger interest there at this point because its still a new thing. Work on improving yourself now because if ever there comes a point where you and her cross paths, you would want to be in the position to make a strong impression and to test her true feelings with the other boyfriend she's now with.
Sara 7 years ago
HEY. I was dating him for almost 3 years. But after a year he met a girl who became her bff in a very short time. I was very jealous of their bond and dirty jokes etc. I stopped him from talking to her.i stopped him after 2 months of their friendship. But he used to miss her. Then for like rest kf 2 years we fought because he started talking to her without letting me know. I used to check his phone and he would have made other accounts to talk. Each time after getting caught he told me hes sorry. I used to breakup but he used to beg and tell me that he wont talk again. Then i started talking to him again. But the cycle continued. I abused the girl too but she used to say that its my boyfriend going back to her. But my boyfriend tried his best to leave her bff. He loved me a lot. Sometimes i used to do things to make him angry so in order to take revenge he talked to her. We are in the same school even his bff. Shes our junior. But my bf didnt met her in school their talk remained in online chating. But then then there was a group of my bf's friends and my friends. We all were friends but somehoe aur group broke up. We fought and his friends fucked up his mind. He fought with me. Yes i did for somethings which he would get hurt too but he then started meeting that girl. He brokeup with me. And this time he had no regret. He said that i made him do this. He added Snapchat stories to make me jealous. I was about to do suicide after that because i hated that girlll too much. Though the are justt friendss. And i cant do no contact periods because i can onlyy meet him after 3 days. No chance meeting after that.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Then perhaps start no contact after you meet him, and probably focus on improving your emotions and insecurities or you may have the same issue even if you try to win him back in the future.
Sana 7 years ago
Hi, my boyfriend and I had a breakup since 2 months. The reason is quite complicated as even I, myself has doubts on that whether I made a mistake or is this just a misunderstanding. We had around 4-5 breakups in a row but we loved each other like anything. He always served that "no contact" period after breakup which made me confused that whether he's actually interested or not. In that confusion, I accepted his friend's relationship proposal while he was on his NC just to have my rebound relationship. When he came back, I told him that I'm now dating his friend as he has feelings for me. At that time, he reacted a bit and called his friend to let him know that we are patching it up. Then he broke up with me again and went for that NC again at the same night. I called his friend and asked him not to leave as I was not understanding his attitude (his friend is no doubt a very nice person). Then again he(my ex) came back after a month until then I realized that I love him(my ex) and I couldn't be with anyone else but him so I avoided his friend. Then we restarted our relationship in a strongest manner possible. I did already told him that I was in a relationship with his friend but I can't deny this fact that I realized that I couldn't be with anyone else but him. Also, I told him that I will break up with his friend as soon as I get a chance to talk to him. Then, he just read my old text messages in his friend's cellphone. Those messages were intimidating as I was in a relationship with him at that time. So, he got so horribly angry and broke up with me again and said that I cheated on him while I know that I am still so in love with him. Before reading this article I tried a lot to get him back at any cost. Calling/texting each and everything I was trying since two months. He always replies to my texts and it seems like he's so much hurt but now he just don't want me to be with him anymore. I'm feeling so guilty, desperate and confused as I can't find out whether I did something which had taken him away my true love away from me forever or whether it is just a emotional flood from him as he didn't like me getting closer to someone else. Please help me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Perhaps give him some space right now to cool off first, before trying to talk to him and explain to him your feelings again once he is more receptive towards you.
  - Sana 7 years ago
    And what if he didn't come back?
  - Sana 7 years ago
    Coming back means, coming back in a relationship. He is still responsive to my texts and calls but he's not willing to continue with a relationship. Is this because he's hurt or what?
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
      It could be, or simply that he's not ready to jump right back into the relationship at this point. And even if he doesn't come back right away, the fact that he's talking to you and responding positively is a good sign and better than him completely ignoring you. Take baby steps forward, it won't all magically fall back into place overnight. Ultimately, just like it probably took a build up of events for the relationship to end, it will take a build up as well for the relationship to come back together.
Brandon 7 years ago
I just hope I can get her back. Time will tell if she’ll let me right my wrongs. She said it’s really hard for her to do. There were no titles but we were exclusive to one another. A lot of feelings were involved. I’m just wondering if they’re still there. After we hung up, I kept our snapstreak alive and she snapped me back. She also texted me “I’ll always care about you. You’ll always mean so much”. I appreciated it but still felt empty because if I meant that much, you’d try to work this out, no? Snapped her a pic of my rubiks cube and then she facetimed me to watch me solve it. We talked for a lil and then she hung up. Tried to talk to her more but I got left on read. 4 hours later, she sends me a series of snaps and I asked her why she’s snapping me. She said because we were snapping earlier and that she’ll stop. I told her it only gave me a false sense of hope and then we talked about things again. Tried one more time to convince her that I wasn’t gonna fuck up again but she just left it on read.

It’s confusing and it hurts. I heard what she said but it doesn’t feel like it’s really over. I’m doing my best not to read too much into it but I know I want her back and the only thing I can hope for is the chance to right my wrongs. Maybe there’s a chance, maybe there’s not. I’m not good at reading these things. But I think back to when me and my ex broke up and if I would’ve just left her alone, we would’ve gotten back together. I guess that’s the move with this girl. Give her the time and space she needs. I love her. She needs to be free and if she comes back, then it wasn’t meant to be. If not, so be it. Major L but what can I do?

Sigh. We were LDR.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  As you've said, she probably needs time right now. Don't push anything or pressure her because your emotions get the better of you. Spend this time focusing on picking yourself up instead and make a move again from there once some time has passed.
  - Brandon 7 years ago
    Well she called me Sunday and I was asking her what was wrong. She said she didn't know, she just didn't feel like herself and that she felt weird. She was acting kind of weird like she wanted to tell me something but was playing dumb. So we stay on the phone for the rest of the night just talking about whatever. We laughed n shit. It was good. Then she told me that she wanted to play Fortnite Saturday night but didnt wanna bother me. I said I did too but I didn't because of the night before. I told her I was surprised that she called me to talk. She asked "you didnt want me to?" and I said "no of course but again, friday". She said "yeah I know". I told her why I didnt talk to her Saturday so I could have a clear mind about things and what happened. Told her I missed her and we got into talking about getting back together. She was taking it really well and listening. Not much conversation. She said she was gonna get a shower and that shed call me when she got out. So she calls me back and I was gonna forget the conversation but she said "you had something you wanted to talk about?" and I thought she wanted to talk about it too so I brought it up again and she just said "well I already told you how I felt on Friday". I said "yeah I know" and changed the subject and we fell asleep on the phone. She also facetimed me for a lil while like we used to.
    
    Since Sunday, we've been texting all day everyday. We play Fortnite and have a lot of fun.
    
    Yesterday, I asked her how she felt cause it felt like things were up in the air. She told me "I dont think its up in the air. I thought I was clear". The. we got into a fight about it. She said she couldnt just not talk to me anymore and that I meant way too much to her to do that and that she'll stop talking to me since it was confusing. I told her that it doesnt feel like I truly meant the world to her and that I deserved another chance and that we should just talk it out. She replied after work saying "we already talked" and I just told her "Youre right. Take care of yourself" and she said the same back.
    
    My question is, is there a chance to get her back????
    - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
      Probably best to give her some space for now because she's probably going to be defensive against you after the recent fight. Go into NC and let her know later on that you would still like to remain friends and keep in contact. Its a step back from being in a relationship, but its still a step forward compared to not on talking terms at all.
      - Brandon 7 years ago
        We spoke this past Sunday after not talking for two days and we both agreed on being friends and taking it slow. We both agreed that it didn't feel right to just say bye to each other like that and that we both mean way too much to each other. She doesn't wanna deal with the stress of relationship expectations right now. I just need to earn her trust again and take it day by day. I dont think she doesn't want this. She just wants to be 100% sure. The same way she's gone about us the last 7 months which sucks because all that trust I earned was somewhat lost. I told her if we gotta start over I'll do it. Im just happy she actually heard me out. Felt like she really did miss me and wanted to work things out. She just wants to be sure it'll never happen again.
      - Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
        Well, she isn't wrong for wanting to do it that way and you'll have to respect and go about in that manner if you intend to win her back.
Melinda 7 years ago
My ex started slowly reaching out to me after 3 months no contact. Maybe a message once every couple weeks. I played it cool & did everything I should do. The texts increased in frequency over the course of a month to the point where it was an everyday thing and they were going from casual texts to him implying he missed certain things about us. I did very well keeping my cool and maintaining a flirty fun persona while still having my own life and not eagerly texting back. At this point, I got a random feeling to check to see if he was online dating and when I looked I found that he had just signed up for a dating site. Instinct kicked in and instead of taking the time to assess about what it could mean and respond appropriately, I reacted. I texted him I miss him and lost all control. Ever since than he still initiates contact sometimes but only through Snapchat and it’s very informal or sometimes he won’t answer me and leaves me hanging. He never speaks of any memories or flirts anymore and now I am the one doing it. Everything flipped and I don’t know what to do. I was so close to getting him to hang out and see me. I feel like he’s no longer interested and since he is online dating I feel I have lost my chance. I really regret letting my panick ruin what could have been a reconciliation. It was stupid and careless. Idk what to do from here.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You might have to re-apply no contact again, and reduce the frequency of texting him first. Keep calm and try again with your emotions more in check, and if it still doesn't work out, you might have to consider walking away.
Clotte 7 years ago
Me and my ex, We've broken up for about a month now and yes, i have been acting crazy and doing all the things i wasn't suppose to be doing. We dated for 7 months and it's the longest relationship we've both been in. I didn't treat him the best-emotionally and we have broken up so many times but gotten back together but this time he said we aren't getting back together and nothing can change it. Our relationship is sorta like Romeo and Juliet. His parents don't like me and my parents don't like him. I really want him back for good this time but after reading all the things to do i realized that I've been doing it wrong that's why he's not sad and he's moved on to another girl. (a girl i was always jealous of and didn't like, he knew this) i realized that it's because i haven't given him a break up yet. I've told him i loved him, I've begged him to come back. i haven't let him feel the break up yet. But even so, i feel like nothing is going to get him back to me. I'm going to try the no contact rule but the thing is i need to see him at work. What should i do?

PS, last week this happened:

on Tuesday after work he like came up to me and was like “i’m gonna start writing down my feelings, that’s what you're doing right?” and so i was like “yeah it’s this book” cuz i had the book with me. then he was like oh lemme read it so i was like okay pick a page so he did and then he read that page but then he ended up reading more. after i took the book off him he tried to take it back off me and while he did that he cut me by accident and my finger started bleeding. then he holds my finger and say “i'm sorry i feel really bad” and i say oh its fine dw about it. THEN he kisses my finger. then after a while he was sitting there lookin all sad and so i was like what’s wrong? and he was like can i talk to you outside and so i was like okay. then we go outside and he was like “I didn’t even realize this but i still love you so so much” and he was like almost crying so i was like aww come give me a hug so he hugged me and it was like really tight hug like it was different. but then he’s like but i dont wanna give you false hope.so i was like yeah okay i know. then Thursday he tells the girl he's "moved on" to that he likes her and that’s okay whatever it’s his choice but then on friday he tells my friend on snap chat that he still has romantic feelings for me.

but the thing is his friends say that he wants to get over me because he thinks our relationship was toxic and i agree with that but i just want another chance and i don't know what to do i feel like everything is impossible.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  If that's how you both feel, perhaps this is the best time to give each other space and even distance yourself from him, to work on that aspect or even if you succeed at winning him back, the same issue would only arise again down the road.
- carly 5 years ago
  Hey, I'm in a similar situation...if you see this message, I'd really love to know how things turned out.
Bill 7 years ago
My Ex and i have re-established attraction after no contact, i'm wondering how i can express interest in her without seeming needy.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Follow this article for more guidelines on what to do after no contact.
L 7 years ago
Hi.

So, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Everything starts with this fight we have and then he starts to ignoring me. Of course I freak out and I tried to talk to him and bla bla bla but he didn't want to see me. And that's it. He gave me no explanation.. I've been in No Contact Rule since then but I'm really confused and sad about this. We had a great relationship and I really didn't want to give it up. What should I do?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Once you complete no contact, perhaps establish communication with him again to see how he responds to you and try to understand why he suddenly ignored you and broke up with you.
Sophie 7 years ago
My girlfriend of two years has left me again (after doing the same thing about two months prior). The last time I had began to move on even though I really didn't want to. She contacted me and said she was shocked by how fast I was moving on and she proceeded to make me believe she wanted me back. Two weeks ago she did the same again - ended it after telling me she "hates me", doesn't love me or fancy me. It's all very out of the blue and I'm acting desperate and needy right now, it's awful. I feel like I'm going mad and I just don't know what to do. I love her but I feel like it's a lost cause.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  If you genuinely feel that it's a lost cause, it would be better to cut all contact and to focus on moving on from this relationship. I personally feel that if your partner is manipulative, the relationship becomes extremely toxic and tiring for the other person and it would be better to walk away from such a relationship as you deserve better.
christine 7 years ago
I wish i was strong enough to follow these steps. I feel so lost. My fiance cheated & got her pregnant, right after i miscarried. I didnt even know i was pregnant & when it happened I had just found out about her & she was 4months along. He says he loves me & was stupid & ruined everything & i deserve better,but he has no choice but to stay with her to raise the baby even if he doesnt want to. He says its life & he has to deal with his mistakes. I can never be with him but we have known each other for over 20 yrs & i miss my friend, he wont talk to me & the last time we did he looked at the ground the whole time, just saying hes a pc of crap & he ruined our life & our family. I know hes unhappy, i can feel it in my soul & im sure everyone thonks im nuts, but i honestly believe hes hating his life. I love him so much & i can never be with him again after such betrayal but will he ever forgive himsrlf & come back, i miss my friend so much & it hurts me to know hes unhappy & its very painful he wont talk to me.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  This is a tough one to give any opinion on, but if he's chosen to do the responsible thing (which is really commendable), he's accepted whatever emotions and hurt as part of the consequences of his actions (whether it's hatred for his life, unhappiness, etc). Determining whether he eventually comes back to talk to you may be another thing altogether, because it would be dependent on whether he eventually forgives himself for his actions and whether he thinks its even a good idea to contact you again.
Amy 7 years ago
The no contact for 30 days didn't work for me, afterwards I did all the things it says not to do. I texted him a million times with no reply. He is still my husband and we have kids but he is now dating a new girl which has been going on for about 3 months now.
He told me it was love at first sight for them - I'm absolutely crushed.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  It could be a rebound relationship he's going through right now, which is also the reason he might have felt it was 'love at first sight'. In the case for marriages, especially long term relationships, NC period might have to be longer because of the time frame of the relationship and the severity of events that probably transpired which led to the breakup/divorce in the first place.
Santiago 7 years ago
My girlfriend of almost a year broke up with me this week. I told her that I didn't want it but if that's what she wanted then she should go ahead. She wanted me to break up with her but I didn't want to because obviously, I want to be with her. We've been fighting for as long as I could remember. I know for sure that it's a trust issue and pretty sure this also lead to her losing respect for me. This isn't the first time we broke up so prior to this website, I've read multiple ones concerning how to get my ex back in the course of at least 5-6 months already. So I did what I know best right away and that's to not contact her. Her last message to me was that I should text her if I want to see her and talk in person. It's her offering me a closure conversation. As of now, I'm blocked from social media including Facebook messenger. I was needy in the relationship, I would always cry and beg. I would do everything for her and let her walk all over me. She would say the meanest things without a pause and I would just openly accept them because I blame myself for everything that's wrong in the relationship. She would start fights and always bring up past mistakes. I wasn't a bum in the relationship. I gave her all the attention that I could give, I put in effort and partly I think I've given too much and I was always available and thus lessening my value to her. I want to get her back. Please help. I'm hopeful to having another start with her but if I try everything and it doesn't work. I would gladly accept the break-up and happily move on. Thank you!
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  I don't think you should try anything right now, until you've at least learnt how to stand firm and not let your partner trample all over you. Keep in mind that it always takes two hands to clap in any relationship so it's never completely one person's fault only (even if she tells you so). Unfortunately, as long as you remain like this, she is going to always take advantage of you no matter how many times you get back together with her and she may even think less of you each time. Learn to respect yourself first, if you want to win her back and have her eventually respect you as a partner.
Jay 7 years ago
This is a good article. I probably broke some rules. My girlfriend broke with me three weeks ago, she blocked me from social media except from emails. We'd been emailing us but last night she told me that she wants to recover peace and happyness. I accept to prove her needy. We'd been together for four years. Hopefully in the no contact time she would miss me, as I do miss her. Today I sent her a text message with a flower, wishing her a good day and reminding that she is more beautiful than the flower. I would try the 30 days challenge.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  All the best Jay.
Laurence Dias 7 years ago
We've been together for 20 years she moved in with me the first time we got together and have lived an an amazing life together, traveling the world having two beautiful boys we are not married, have a big house in the city but things have started to unravel and her feelings for me have diminished she says things like she loves me but she's not in love with me, my commitment to her is unrelenting I'm attractive and have no issues with picking up other women but she is a MORALISTIC FOUNDATION FOR ME.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  You should perhaps consider the fact that when chasing other women for the first time, we tend to put in a lot more effort than in a relationship that has been ongoing for 20 years. You should think about why she lost the spark for you and whether its something you've stopped doing or efforts you've stopped showing towards her after being together for so long.
Kara 7 years ago
My boyfriend and I broke up March 26th. We got in a huge fight and I said some mean things. I pretty much begged my way back to him. That lasted a month. During that month, he was very distant and wouldn’t really make plans with me. Mind you, before we started dating we were best friends for a year. He broke up with me one week ago. We didn’t talk for 3 days until we ran into each other at a concert. He was a little drunk, so i took care of him. He texted me the next morning and we talked for a bit, the next day i asked him if he wanted to see the new Deadpool movie. His response was “maybe” he then said maybe some space would do us good. And we haven’t talked since. He told me when he saw me that he “didn’t love me like that” anymore. Do you think i have a chance? Should i spend time working on me, and then contact him and try to get our friendship back and then hope we get back together? Or should i just move on? I really love him and want to be with him, he is still my bestfriend after all.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  Regardless of whether you decide to move on or attempt to win him back, you should still be spending time working on yourself first and foremost. Contacting him again or moving on would be something you decide to do after that, and you'll have to be mentally prepared that he may not see you the same way as 'best friends' again after the transition from being friends to having a romantic involvement to not working out.
KTL 7 years ago
Together for a year. Broke up back in January after a bad fight, and a string of tough times due to bad communication. I was sure that it wasn’t meant to be, supported her through the heartbreak, continued daily contact, lunch dates, sex, but no sleepovers. After two months of this she decided she needed to move on. I was bummed but thought I knew what I was doing. She started going on a few dates and instantly linked up with a new guy (hoping a rebound). She even posted videos on Snapchat wearing a turned in claddagh ring after a month (very unlike her). A month after we cut ties, I realized I screwed up. I missed her so much, reflected for two weeks, came to a lot of conclusions about things I wasn’t giving to the relationship, etc. I then Stupidly went into desperation mode. For a week I bombarded her with pleads of my love. What I learned and how it will be different etc. She was not receptive. Said it’s time for me to move on, stop reaching out to her friends for advice, we’re not getting back together she’s happy and in a good place right now. I stupidly have already looked for very needy and realized I should’ve went no contact.

I started no contact after a phone call five days ago. Friday is her birthday however. I want to do no contact but think it’s rude if I don’t wish her a happy birthday. Do I use the birthday as a first step of positive texting then continue no contact for 30 days? Wish I read this earlier. The neediness was the worst look and clearly hurt more then helped.
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  As with all other events that may have a past involvement regarding the two of you (Valentines, birthdays, New Year's), contacting her soon after starting NC would probably come across as desperate and an attempt to try winning her back in her eyes because she currently has her guard up against you. At this point, only you would think it's rude not to wish her on her birthday and she wouldn't expect you to. You could read this article for more input regarding this matter.
Julia 7 years ago
Hi! I was toghether with my ex for about a year. My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago, all because he said that he had no feelings left for me. The breakup was good, no fighting etc and we were on good terms when I moved out.
I did the NC rule according to your plan for 30 days after I moved out. I contacted him via messenger, I just kept it causal, asking him how he was and how work was. He also came over with some stuff to my new apartment, stuff that I had forgot when I moved out. The meeting went well, although he had a mutual friend with him, which I thought was strange since it was the first time we met since we broke up. Anyway, he contacted me just about 20 mins after he left, saying how nice my new apartment was, some improvements I could do and so on.

After that I've been texting him according to your plan. Although I've just been keeping the conversations casual, asking him a lot about work, his life, sending him funny videos and stuff cause we always used to do that.
He's been responding in a nice way but he's not asking so many questions back and do not seem so interested.

Today I asked if I could call him to ask him about a few things I know he knows much about and likes. . He said yes and I called. He was a bit on edge at first but then we talked like we did before breakup and he was talking about some improvements he had done in his apartment and that he's waiting to get accepted to school etc. it was a nice talk, after a while asked him if I could come over some day to pick up my last stuff at his apartment and that's when it escalated. He got upset, wondering why I hadn't said something about those stuff before and why I was asking for them now and if I wanted my things I could pick them up outside his door when he's not at home. I tried to calm him down, and we agreed that he would contact me when I could come and get the things. The call didn't end... well according to plan. What should I do? I have also asked him twice before in texts if we could catch up for a coffee at some point,: He has been positive and said "well I'm busy today but maybe another day" or "I'm busy right now but another time? let's talk about later."

I don't know but I have this feeling that maybe he's met a rebound and that's why he got so upset with me getting my last things at his place, but maybe that's just my brain going bananas, like I have no proof. Just a feeling.
He broke up with me once before also when we were dating and just getting serious, he met a rebound shortly after the break up and after like a month after he came back and said he wanted to be with me, he always wanted me but he was afraid.

When we broke up this time he talked about how he was raised to not talk about his feeling (which I know and we have been working on in our relationship) and as soon as something is wrong or maybe to good to be true he leaves.

What should I do? I feel completely lost.
I've come a long way during this period, and I feel very satisfied in life in general. But he is my best friend and I really want to try and make it work.

Thanks
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  If he has met a rebound, he would care less instead about you coming to pick your things, but the fact that he reacted this way means there's a hint of feelings remaining (whether it's positive or negative is yet to be determined) and does not seem ready to face you yet. Perhaps continue to keep things on a casual note, and subsequently first address the relationship and why it failed before proceeding with collecting your stuff or meeting him.
Max 7 years ago
Hi Ryan,

I am 26 years old. My situation is a little different. My "ex" and I were not officially dating- a label was never placed. However, we were seeing each other quite regularly and acted as if we were together for almost 2 months or so. Too sum everything up, her and I met through a mutual friend that matched us up. We knew nothing about each other but hit it off ever since the first date. We continued to talk, and gradually become very comfortable with each other. We began to see each other 2, sometimes 3 times per week. In the early going, we made it clear that we were going to take things slow and make sure that we don't rush into anything serious. But truthfully, we admitted to each other that we were caught off guard at how well we got along and really enjoyed each others presence. Things began to ramp up- sex, sleeping at each others places, letting our guards down and showing true feelings. She eventually wanted to make it clear that we were both exclusive to one another and not seeing anyone else, yet never did we place a label on anything as we wanted to keep the pace at where we had it. She would tell me that she's never felt so happy with someone before. Hearing things like that made me quite vulnerable. Well... at the snap of a finger, she began to distance herself via text. Then in our last date, things felt strange and a wall seemed to be up again, When we got back to her place, she sat on the other couch, keeping her distance. So I proceeded to ask where her head was at, and what she was feeling. She explained that she has started to feel nervous and scared of losing her freedom and the thought of commitment... I understand we weren't officially dating, but this girl opened up my eyes to the idea of a real relationship and I want nothing more than to continue what we had going on. If I apply your process, do you think it could work in my situation to get her back in my life?
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  As you have never officially been together, NC may not be the best idea unless the period of 'dating' was long enough and filled with the same amount of memories created as a normal couple would have. I would actually suggest trying to work things out first and communicating whatever you feel across and to assure her about the freedom issue she worries about.
Jackie890 7 years ago
Hello, my boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 3 years. He did break up with me before about 2 years ago bc he wanted to grow and get his life together due to money issues. We are both almost 26 and in real estate. I did no contact for 2 weeks and I texted him and he texted me paragraphs about how much he missed me and long story short we got back together. We lasted a total of 2 more years. About 4 days ago he broke up with me again. He was the one that wanted to see me everyday and he was always taking care of me and I did the same for him. Without even me pushing he wanted to see me about twice a day before and after work and always wanted to spend lots of time with me. Even the same day of the break up he talked about moving out together and he always talked about the future and getting me a ring the last few weeks even months. He flipped on me all of a sudden 4 days ago and told me over text he doesn’t want the relationship bc he has to focus on himself and get a place and get his life together. Shocked I kept asking him questions begging him not to leave but he kept saying he has to do this and it was hurting him too. I went to his sisters wedding a few days ago and met his whole family. They all loved me and his dad told everyone I was his daughter in law and his sister said I was his sister in law. He told me the wedding made him realize how quick everything was moving and he needed to grow himself. How can he flip on me and act cold so suddenly. It broke my heart. Our relationship was very strong and we were always there for each other like a married couple. We even had a trip coming up next month. He just acted so cold so suddenly and didn’t answer my texts after that. I tried to ask him will there be an us again or future together and he just said he didn’t want thi anymore and that he has to focus on himself. I did no contact for 4 days now and it’s tearing me apart. I want to marry this man one day and I miss him so much. We planned our future together :(
- Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team 7 years ago
  There is usually an underlying reason for his sudden change in his behavior. It's something you may have to figure out if you want to win him back, and if it's something that can be resolved or not. Often, it may be a sudden incident or stress in a person's life that causes them to act this way. There's also a chance that a third party may have been involved, as these are among the common reasons for someone to break up with their partners.

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