Your ex broke up with you and left you heartbroken. And while you are still trying to understand what happened and pick up the shattered pieces of your life, your ex has started another relationship.

You can’t believe that they’ve moved on so fast, so you consult your friend, search the Internet and everyone seems to say the same thing. “Your ex is probably in a rebound relationship”.

However, you are still not convinced. Your ex seems happy and their new relationship seems to be going perfectly. The new guy/girl seems completely opposite of you and yet your ex seems committed to make this relationship work. You are confused because everyone seems to be telling you it’s a rebound relationship while your instincts tell you that your ex has moved on.inigo montoya on rebound relationships

It’s truly a gut wrenching feeling to think of your ex with someone else, especially if you are still in love with them and want to get them back. And the thought of it just being a rebound relationship is very comforting. But when your mind starts wondering whether or not it’s a rebound, you can drive yourself crazy analyzing their behavior and obsessing over every little detail about their new relationship.

In this article, I’ll lay out some signs that will help you understand the rebound behavior and figure out on your own whether or not they’ve moved on.

How Long Have They Been In the New Relationship?

The first sign is quite obvious. The longer they’ve been in the new relationship, the less likely it is to be a rebound. If they’ve been in the relationship for a few months or less, then it’s probably a rebound and it will end soon. On the other hand, if their relationship has been going on for over a year, then you can safely assume that the relationship is serious for them and it’s probably not a rebound.

Of course, it’s not really a surefire way to determine whether or not they’re in a rebound relationship. If their new relationship has been going on for a few weeks, you can’t say for sure if it will end in a few months or it will continue for years. The longer they’re in the relationship, the more you lose hope. And the more you lose hope the more you start analyzing their new relationship (and obsessing over them) trying to convince yourself it’s a rebound.

How Long Did They Wait Before Starting the New Relationship?

If your ex started dating someone else within a week of breaking up, then it’s more likely to be a rebound. On the other hand, if they waited an appropriate amount of time (like three to four months) before entering the new relationship, it’s less likely to be a rebound.

Again, it’s not a surefire way of telling whether or not it’s a rebound. Some people jump from one relationship to another without waiting at all. Some people keep someone lined up for dating before breaking up just so they don’t have to be single for longer than a few days.serial dater

On the other hand, it could be that your ex waited months before entering the new relationship and it could still be a rebound depending if they never really got over you.

That’s why it’s beneficial to understand the rebound behavior. If their behavior resembles that of a person in a rebound relationship, you can be know for sure whether or not you have a chance at getting back together. You will not be obsessing over them so much and you will be able to concentrate on your happiness more.

Understanding the Rebound Behavior

A rebound relationship is simply an attempt to fill a hole in your life that was left by an ex. Another way to describe a rebound relationship is an attempt to avoid the pain of the breakup. It’s an attempt to feel the same way you were feeling while you were in a relationship with your ex. It’s an attempt to have the same level of intimacy that you had with your ex, with someone else.

Being intimately close to someone gives us a feeling of security and a boost to our self-esteem. It’s the kind of intimacy that is built with time and effort that a relationship requires. After a breakup, that intimacy is gone in a matter of few days and you are left feeling empty.

A rebound relationship gives you hope. It gives you a chance to feel that level of intimacy again. It gives you hope to fill that empty feeling inside you.

This is the reason why most of the rebound relationships seem to move so fast. Because a rebound relationship is an attempt to reach the level of intimacy that only long-term relationships have.

Suppose the name of your ex is Jane. Jane feels empty after she left you. She knew she wanted to breakup with you but she didn’t expect to be so much miserable after the breakup. She has an old friend Garry who comforts her, she finds herself attracted to him. She feels that perhaps this guy can make all her pain and the emptiness go away. So she starts dating him. Whenever she is with him, her mind is not thinking about the breakup and you. She doesn’t feel as empty as she was before.

But still whenever she is alone, the pain comes back. She can’t let go of this feeling of emptiness even though she is a new relationship. She thinks perhaps it’s because she is not as close to Garry as she was with you. She thinks if Garry and her start having sex, she will feel much closer to Garry and perhaps forget you. Even though, she usually waits three months before sleeping with someone she is dating, she makes an exception in Garry’s case; simply because she thinks that sleeping with him will make her forget about you.scumbag_garry

So they start sleeping together. Even though the sex is great, she is still not at peace with herself. She still can’t let go of the empty feeling when she is alone. She feels a little better when she is with Garry, but she can’t shake the feeling that this relationship is not giving her the peace that she expected.

At this point, most people realize that this new relationship will not bring them the peace and happiness they were hoping it would. But Jane is having a hard time accepting that. She thinks that the new relationship, despite not being what she expected, is still giving her some level of comfort. If she ends the relationship, she will have to face all the pain and emptiness alone and she doesn’t think she is ready to do it yet.

She continues her relationship, in hope that her level of intimacy with Garry will increase and the empty feeling inside her will slowly go away. She makes pathetic attempts to move the relationship faster hoping that she can gain the same level of intimacy that comes from long-term relationship. Attempts like moving in together after only 5 weeks of dating; meeting Garry’s parents and asking Garry to meet her parents; planning to move overseas with Garry. A few years ago, if you asked Jane whether or not she would move this much fast in a relationship, she would’ve called you crazy. But yet, here she is, rushing a relationship faster than a speeding bullet.

The story of Jane demonstrates a classic rebound behavior. Eventually, Jane would breakup with Garry and will try to deal with her breakup pain. She might feel that she is in love with Garry because Garry provides her with comfort and an escape from the pain that she desires deeply. Garry is a temporary solution that is alleviating the pain, but he is not the cure.

But soon enough, she will realize her relationship with Garry for what it is. A rebound. It did help her run away from the emptiness in her life, but it didn’t fill it. She is still empty and she can only be at peace with herself when she decides to face the breakup pain. (Read: How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She has Moved on to A New Boyfriend)

Who They Are In a Rebound Relationship

Apart from moving the rebound relationship too fast, another common behavior that rebound relationships have is choosing someone they’d not go for normally.

For example, suppose your ex always says he/she wants someone with a career goal. And after they breakup with you, they start a relationship with someone who has no career and no life goals whatsoever.

In some cases, your ex will choose someone who is completely opposite of you in every possible way. This is again, very common rebound behavior.

Why Do They Do This?

The reason behind this behavior is overcompensation. The relationship with you didn’t work and left them in pain. They think that finding someone completely opposite will probably give them happiness. In some cases, your ex will find a type of person they don’t usually go for. Someone who is not even compatible with their life goal. Someone who is not even their type. Just because they have hope that if they go for someone completely different, they’ll find happiness.

Some people go into a rebound deliberately and choose someone completely incompatible with them because they know it’s a rebound. They are not thinking of a long-term relationship. They are thinking of a short term rebound relationship which will hopefully help them get over the breakup.

Your Ex’s Behavior towards You

A very common sign of a rebound relationship is whether or not they are trying to rub in your face. If your ex is going out of their way to show you they are happy in their relationship and everything’s going great, then it’s probably a rebound and they are not doing that great in reality.

One of the most common indicators of this behavior is their social media profile (Facebook, twitter etc.). Your ex knows that you are checking their Facebook and if they are constantly posting picture with their rebound then it’s a sign that they are in a rebound.

Of course, this behavior is subjective. Some people are extremely active on Facebook and twitter while some people don’t usually post their personal life all over social media. You know your ex better than anyone, so you are the best judge if they are doing it to rub it in your face or not.

One of the examples of this social media behavior that I want to share came from one of my readers.

She posted on his Facebook wall whether or not he wants to move to Australia with her next year when she wants to do her PhD.  He replied, he’d love to. How can she go for some guy who has no plan for his future and could move to another country just like that? She always said she wanted someone who has some goals in life.

First of all, which couple discusses big life decision on their Facebook wall? She clearly posted this message for her ex to see. Which shows she is not over him and is most probably in a rebound.

What if they try to hide their relationship?

On the other end of the spectrum, there are exes who will try to hide their new relationship from you. This is fairly uncommon and it could mean two things.

1. They know it’s a rebound and they want to get back together with you someday. They don’t want to upset you or want you to move on. They don’t want you to start dating someone else because they are not over you and are hoping you will wait for them to come back.

2. They want to take their new relationship slow and don’t want you to bother them. This might be true if you had been acting like a crazy, stalky ex who wouldn’t leave them alone.

If they are hiding their new relationship, then it’s completely up to you to figure out which category they fall into. After all, you know your ex and your situation better than anyone else.

What to Do If They Are In a Rebound?

If they are in a rebound, you still have to apply the no contact rule and follow the 5-step plan. If you haven’t read the main 5 step plan to get your ex back, then you should. It’s possibly the best free guide on getting your ex back on the Internet. If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend or ex wife back, then you should check out this article. It will be the most comprehensive guide you will ever read and it will give you objectives you can set for yourself as you are moving forward in this journey to get your ex girlfriend back. In addition, you might also want to read this article on what to do if your ex boyfriend is in another relationship.

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582 comments ...add one

  • Ella

    He already has a new girlfriend after 2 months. Is this a rebound? He seems so in love. It’s funny because he thinks I don’t know, he’s hiding his relationship from me. I wonder why? & he’s still keeping tabs on my posts.

    Reply
  • Andrea

    So me and my ex have been around 1 year but things started coming down from half year, i started talking to my ex while having something serious with my boyfriend, and he felt sad a lot and begged me to stop it, i didnt listen and he got tired of begging so he broke up with me and inmediately started having something with a girl, he is a serious and mature guy so i cant tell if it is a rebound relationship, also his new girlfriend is far away from him so that makes it a long distant relationship. I made a huge mistake on begging him because i was devastated but he still comforted me and promised to get back with me, the only reason he hasnt done it is because he doesnt want to hurt his new girlfriend feelings. What should i do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It is likely a rebound, and you're probably going to have let him make a decision on his own by being patient and not acting needy in the meantime.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hey sent a comment earlier but it was long. The ex is 21 and i'm 27

    Basically the girl i dated ended things with me to go back to her ex. I'm very confused because I dont know if i was the rebound or is he? they dated on and off for a few months but she dated me for a year and gave me her virginity but i didn't make her my gf because i didnt feel comfortable being in a relationship yet but we were exclusive the whole time. She dated me in july 2017 after breaking up with her ex in april 2017.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's a little hard to tell for certain and it would depend on who she feels more connected to at the end of the day. Based on the situation though, there's a possibility that you were the rebound, because even though she gave more to you, she still felt connected enough to her ex to end up leaving the relationship to be with him.

      Reply
    • Mike

      What should I do then?

      Reply
  • Apple

    Me and my boyfriend were been together for 8years, we have a 2y/o daughter. We’re been in seeing each other before weekly or twice a month due to distance, we’ve been on and offs during this year but always ending up together however, he broke up with me and choose the other girl whom she’s now living with, the girl is his office mates. What will i do? Do I still need to hold on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Has there ever been a consideration to reduce the distance and begin living together eventually, considering that you have a 2 year old daughter with him? If distance is the issue here which caused him to get intimate with someone else, this is something that has to be considered before you think about winning him back. Also, you'll have to do what's best for you and your kid, and I personally wouldn't recommend simply holding on for the sake of it.

      Reply
  • Matt

    I was in a 3 year relationship. We parted ways back in March 2018, but it wasn't a "real" breakup. We just decided we didn't get along anymore and would be better off on our own, which was the stupidest thing to do. We kept on seeing each other, calling, texting, etc., however the contact was not as firm as it was during the relationship. This changed in June. I noticed a change in her approach, as if her focus shifted. She didn't speak to me the way she used to and kept breaking up text conversations in the middle. I felt she was slipping away, but did nothing about it. I reached out like three times and then my pride took over and I was like: "You don't want to keep in touch. Cool. I won't." Then three months later I saw her at a club with her new boyfriend and that's when it hit me. We talked briefly and then hours later when I saw her alone I grabbed her and told her I love her and asked if she's happy with him. She responded: "I don't know." She added that we can talk about it. A week later I left a love letter and a bunch of pictures of us throughout the years at her house and spoke to her mum. She texted me the next day saying that she still thinks of me, but a lot of time has passed and things are not what they used to be. She asked: "Why now?". She said that she wants to speak to me, but she's not ready to have that conversation yet. She added: "It took you three months to realize what you've lost. Now give me that time." Five days later, she emailed me from her work address asking how I feel. The conversation turned into analyzing past mistakes and unwanted behaviour during our relationship and me declaring I had changed my ways. She reaffirmed that she still thinks of me, but has moved on, that time heals and that she started to build her life from scratch. She did not respond to my last email in that conversation. It's been over a week now since that email conversation and I haven't contacted her in any way. Please advise if there are still chances to turn things around and get back together. I will really appreciate your feedback. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's normal that she would still think of you from time to time since you both did share 3 years worth of memories together. Under these circumstances, it's not impossible to win her back because she would undoubtedly still have some feelings for you. However, whether those feelings are ignited once again or end in a form of closure would depend on what you do. I would suggest giving her the space she had requested and not text her daily for the time being, but continue reaching out every now and then. Those times you do reach out, keep the conversation light-hearted and on a positive note, and avoid bringing up getting back together until she is ready. Just build upon positive memories for now to help remind her of the good times she once shared with you and never let your emotions or uncertainty get the better of you.

      Reply
  • Louis

    Hello, I was hoping for some additional insight from someone. My situation is sort of unique. Both my ex and I are men. I am 25 and he is 21. We were engaged for a year prior to him leaving me, and we were together for almost four years.

    He left now me a little over 4 months ago, but we still spoke and hung out almost every day for a long time afterward. We also had sex often.

    A few weeks ago, he told me we had to stop doing all of that, but we still didn’t. Now he tells me he is interested in a coworker of ours. The coworker is 17, and my ex is trying to pursue a relationship with him. I am the 17 year old coworker’s boss.

    Two days before they hung out for the first time, my ex and I had sex for what may be the last time. My ex told me he wanted to remain friends, but that we wouldn’t be able to hang out for a long while. He said he wanted to focus on the possible new relationship with the coworker and not think about our past because it still hurts him.

    I’m not sure what to make of this situation. I really want it to be a rebound that doesn’t last. I’m not sure I want to get back with my ex, and I don’t think I really care if he dates someone else. I would like to be friends with him too. But the difficult part is that this new relationship will be right in my face on a daily basis.

    Any insight?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep in mind that your ex being only 21, probably has a different frequency from you in terms of what he's seeking out. At this point, there's a likelihood that he's still curious to explore and therefore might have lost interest in the current relationship to pursue something novel. There's not much that can be done at this point, except to either win him back or to wait it out and hope it's merely a phase he's going through.

      Reply
  • Nate Crowne

    I was hoping for some insight.We had been dating for 3 years.A year and a half of which was long distance.We have so much in common and shes perfect.Ive dated alot of girls.None like her.So we got in a couple small fights December and January over the diatance but still resolved them.In February I send her gifts for valentines day.Which she later said she liked.Literally days following that she tells me we should minimize communication because she has a boyfriend now.Which was weird because like I said there was no evidence prior.We continued to talk regardless a for a few weeks then she completely shut me out.Since then I wouldnt stop contacting her which was bad I know.I was in her city a few weeks ago and told her to call me so we could link.She called and as hard as I tried I couldnt help but ask several questions about her relationship.She said she cant tell me when it became serious which was odd to me.Yet she said she met him last summer.I got made and she said shed call me back(never did).I have yet to go no contact with her for long.Are chances gone?I feel like she would of never called me if they werent

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As you were in a long distance relationship with her, it may have been the reason she moved on to a new partner so quickly to which she may have felt a loss of spark for awhile but never had a reason to bring it up until she fell for someone else. This would also contribute towards her being able to detach herself from you so easily after the breakup. You should try going into no contact but not simply with the focus of winning her back, but more so to work on yourself and give both parties space. After NC has ended, you can decide again whether you want to win her back or not and follow the steps in our articles for more help.

      Reply
  • Ashley

    My ex and I been together for almost four years. Well anyway, he broke up with me almost three months ago. I think he’s in a rebound that’s what he’s telling me but he had her lined out before breaking up with me. Life pretty much gotten in the way from a miscarriage from him losing his car and his place. He felt like I wasn’t supportive when I was but I just went through a miscarriage. Pretty much we both wasn’t understanding among one another. He didn’t physically cheat but emotionally cheated on me with her. As of right now he and her are doing long distance rebound and I want him back. He told me he wants me to heal first and then he would be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. Is there any tips for me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps spend this time working on things you felt could have contributed towards any issues during the relationship, and maybe even consider improving your appearance or working on your self-confidence in general. Use this article for more guidelines to follow.

      Reply
  • Damian Piekut

    It's been well over a month after we broke up, I did the No-Contact for about 40 days.
    She texted me 3 times during this period.

    I have accidentally met her with her new guy at a pub we first met - she doesn't go there often.
    The guy approached me later and we had a chat - now I know that they argue a lot and she was telling him about me much.

    She joined us and quickly became upset and angry, she asked the guy to leave her - he refused, seemed needy and was trying to hold her. A few times he looked like he was about to leave, but eventually they both stayed for a while. When I went to grab another beer she was looking at me.

    When they were leaveing, she hugged me and told me I "smell nice as always".

    BUT - she texted me today asking why can't we just be friends, and repeated that we will never get back together. Then we chatted some more.

    What's going on?
    I am lost, I was cool about them the entire time, but I want her back.
    Can I make it happen?

    She lives with him now as she is in conflict with her parents.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's likely that she still has feelings for you but has developed an internal conflict with herself because she's still in a relationship, hence her sudden text to you to try and validate her own thoughts. You did fine by acting cool throughout, and you could continue to respond to her in that manner and slowly show off the changes you've made since the breakup to come across as more attractive.

      Reply
    • Damian Piekut

      Hi, Thanks for reply. I did continue to text with her, we switched to phone texts rather than FB messages.
      She is aware of my progress, mabe just not realised how much better I am now in full.
      But she again sent a picture of a gift from her new boyfriend - a laptop. This is another time he gives her something expensive. I am under impression that he needs to give her expensive stuff because he has no value. Now - I responded saying "Cool" and then texted her that "I am still hungover XD" - she new I was at the party yesterday.
      This might have been a mistake.

      But believe me, when I spoke to her new guy he legitimately asked me how I handled her moods. Like he was asking for advice.

      Further to the above, what's my next step? Should I just continue to be "just" friends with her and wait?
      The problem is she lives at his place, can't go back to her parents. He can see everything we speak about via fb messages, not sure about other ways of communication. And I don't feel like she would agree to meet up soon either, I told her I was going rollerblading on Sunday and mentioned briefly she can join in, but she refused - she told me she has to work on her drawings for university.

      Reply
    • Damian Piekut

      Oh, and one more thing worth mentioning - when we were texting on Sunday she asked me if I accepted the breakup and the fact that we will never get back together. Was this serious?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In terms of her perspective, her guard could still be up against you and she feels inclined to remind you that 'we've broken up', it sounds like because of her erratic mood as well, that she might swing from feelings of confusion towards both parties from time to time. You could continue to be friends with her at this point, or actually go back to NC for now because it may still be too soon to make a move.

      Reply
    • Damian Piekut

      We've been texting for a week now.
      On Wednasday she called me at midnight, asking if she could stay some nights (she mentioned she got new job and it would be far away, but if I am correct where they live the communication is great). I think she meant Thursday, as she was ending one job at 11PM and starting new one at 8AM on Friday. She did not show up though.
      When I asked her on Friday how's her new job, she texted me back when she was finished, asking if I want to pick her up. I wanted to, but she ended up going back home - at first I panicked, but later it occured me that I basically asked her to wait for me for an hour and move a few tram stops to meet me, so no hard feelings. She also asked me if I would join them (I believe she meant her and her bf) on some cultural event last night, I told her I don't think I will be there but we will see as my friend wants to go out with me. Then we texted some more, she was asking me for advice (again).

      So, as I see it, she either wants to mess with my head, or really wants me back but won't take any drastic actions for now.
      She hasn't texted me yet today and it is 7PM.

      I feel like going back to NC and waiting more will not bring me good this time. They already are together over a month and a half, the longer I wait, the closer they get together. I think that if I go about it right, they might break up soon, that is if she has feelings for me.

      Reply
  • Klien

    So me and my ex who's also the mother of my child of 9 years broke up with me due to the fact she fell out of love for me and felt like we're growing apart and she is seeing a co-worker like a week after our break up i ask her who he is and did she sleep with him but she refuse to give me the truth and when i ask her for a date she say stuff like why and then when and quickly say no i can't your my ex and I'm seeing someone so my question is is he a rebound and is it worth my time waiting for her or should i move on and the guy she seeing usually isn't her type

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The fact that the relationship lasted 9 years and he isn't her type strongly indicates that he is a rebound. Go into NC for now with the exception of contacting her with regards to your child's matters and focus on improving yourself while waiting for this phase of hers to pass.

      Reply
  • Seth

    Me and my ex were together for 5 years. We broke up a month ago over trust issues I caused in the first year of us dating. But she has been seeing and talking with a guy she met at a party a few days after the break up. A few days ago they made it official, I guess. Honestly after I heard she slept with him at the party I went crazy and bugged her everyday for a few weeks. She would talk with me some, giving me mixed feelings and signals, both good and bad. But now I am blocked on everything and haven't had any contact with her since her and him got together. If I start this now, do you think I still have a chance? She's told me she's done and doesn't want anything more to do with me, but this time last year we went through the same thing(she was hateful towards me), she just says stuff when she's upset and she doesnt mean them.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give it some time to see if she means it or not. In the meantime since this guy may be a rebound, simply focus on improving yourself and applying no contact for the time being.

      Reply
  • Liam

    My ex and i were together almost 9 years and we broke up 2 months ago. She ended it due to some trust issues that she’s apparently having a hard time getting over, but there was never any true unfaithfulness in our relationship. When we spoke a few days after the break up I told her i wanted to make things work and the issues we were facing weren’t worth ending such a long relationship, especially since we saw a future and marriage together. She blocked me on all social media and was not willing to hear anything I was saying and kept insisting that the issues were too much and she can’t get over them so this is the end. She came back over 2 weeks later To get some things and we spoke again, she still wouldn’t budge on giving our relationship any effort to make things work. I told her I was willing to try and she was not. I told her if she was just looking for an excuse to be single and date other people that I would at least like to know that because I feel I deserve that truth so i can move on. She said that wasn’t the reason and she just wanted to focus on her work and being Independent.

    I implemented no contact after that last interaction for a month. I then called her one day and she answered, we spoke for bit and it went really well so I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee quick to catch up. She agreed but then canceled our plans 30 minutes later and said she wasn’t feeling up to it and maybe we could do it another day. I waited another week and called again, same scenario we spoke for 20 minutes and it was going well, and we were both actually in the same area so i asked if she wanted to get that coffee but she had plans with a friend. I told her I would stop asking then because Because I didn’t want to keep bugging her about it since i tried twice already. She responded by saying that wasn’t the case and that she was not opposed to getting coffee with me at some point it was just bad timing the last couple tries. So tentatively made plans for a few days later and when i texted her that morning to ask if she was still free that day, no response at all, completely ignored. I then find out that day she’s already dating another guy, (less then two months after our breakup). Then the next day she responds to my text apologizing for not responding and asking if I’m free this week to get together.

    Can you help me make sense of what’s going on and if this new guy is a rebound?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you've been together with her for the last 9 years, its highly likely that she is going through a rebound relationship right now. She may be confused between subconsciously wanting to meet you and her mind telling her not to, which has resulted in this mixture of negative and positive responses. In my opinion, it would be a good idea to take it slow with her, and try not to give her any pressure but only good memories at each point of contact you have with her for the time being, to let her decision become a little less conflicted.

      Reply
  • Adit

    Hei
    Me and my ex in relationship about 1 year and broke up 4 month ago because she not ready for commitment but unfortunately I already gave her my 100%. Yet she still text me and we still in touch until 2 weeks ago. I read your article and I give her space like 2-3 weeks. Before no contact she doing fine and tell me that she still loved me. After 3 weeks no contact, I send her letter and she's reply my text cynically and said she is already close with someone else but not in relationship yet. I admit my mistake and try to call her but she's reject it. Do I need longer the NC period? What should I do?
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may currently be in a stage of rebound, or there's a small chance that she may have started to process the breakup and begun to move on since the break up was 4 months ago. Regardless, because she has responded negatively towards you, avoid pressuring her any further for now and instead focus on yourself. You could try again in about a week or two and see how she responds then.

      Reply
  • marcelle

    Ok, me and my girl been together 10 years im 31 she is 29, we met on social media i lived in a different state but she lived in a state i use to live, but my mom an sisters and friends still lived there. after talking on facebook for a few months we decided to meet up when i got there for a visit. every since then we've been together for a couple years long distance being i was working in my home state and she was in college in her state. long story short we to a different country on which her family lives and i decided to move there, never been outside the USA but i done that because i love her and we had a son at that point. fast forward to now im still here in this other country, we now have 4 children and she recently told me that she wasnt in love with me anymore, after we had a little disagreement and didnt speak for 6 days after, barely spoke. i was heart broken when she told me so i asked was it somebody else she denied it but there has to be, being she told me she flirts an this guy from work flirts and make ha feel good by what he tells her which i guess or i know i havent been doing much or being more lovable with her. this the kicker we still live in the same house im still in process from my immigration papers here, i thought of going back to the united states but my kids are here and she doesnt want me to leave. wants to wait till the paper work is done so i could move on and still be here for my children. its weird at times sleeping on the couch and not with her, i actually bought flowers ah card which i dont think really helped me really to mend the fences. she also told me i should stop trying to win her back cause it wont work. personally i dont know what to do or how to proceed on doing that or if my shot at proving to her that i want to make this work. i believe she has a rebound maybe the guy from work she barley home takes off everday it seems like going out with friends and family that she never went out with just to go. know this is a long story its more than this but i had to simplify it. Me im wondering if i have a shot?
    how do i proceed with the no contact rule if we are in the same house hold?
    should i avoid her as much as possible being we live together?
    i complement her way to much and say i love her and get no response so me reading what your site is about ill steer away from that. thanks guys cant wait for your response and ill update you guys when i could

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, it would be better to avoid her during this period of no contact. Have a read through this article as we have a section on how to handle no contact if you live in the same household.

      Reply
  • Kyle

    Hey, me and my girlfriend were together over a year long distance. I spent a few months with here and she Came here too, about a month and a half ago we broke up and we have barely spoken since. I’ve spoken to her mother and she says she still misses me and talks about me. She started dating a girl which after reading about rebounds I believe she is in one with her. When we did speak she told me she wasn’t over me and also that she got accepted to university where I live and she’ll be coming here in August to live. I’ve accepted for the next few months this rebound thing is going to happen. My question is when she starts living here she said she wants to spend time with me as I’m the only person she knows lives here. I assume we will be around each other a lot so how do I go about winning her back? She’s a very stubborn person and doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong or if she missed me etc she wouldn’t say. How should I approach winning her back when she gets here because I know she will still very much have feelings for me as I do for her I just need to get them out of her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think the best thing you can do is to build up a level of comfort with her, so that whatever she feels can be expressed naturally without any reservations. Be sincere, fun, caring, and if she genuinely misses you, there would be a high chance that her expressions would show.

      Reply
    • Kyle

      Hey I spoke to her today a little and she seems exited about spending time with me when she gets here.
      I asked her, the door isn’t closed on us right? And a few weeks ago she said no and she never actually gave me an answer today. Is that a bad sign or is it possibly a good sign that she doesn’t want to say?

      Reply
  • Kate

    Hie

    I have a one year baby with him we planned to marry. In october last year we had a serious fight and we partly broke up.In December we attempted to make it work again,only to learn he had been engaged to someone else and she was also pregnant.I asked him why he did that he said because i pushed him but he still wants me and he is going to break the engagement.

    Todate there is still a lot of tension and i feel hurt. A number of times he had tried to show off but i didnt realise what was happening. During the break he had been sending the pregnant girl to drop my baby things he bought.We have been fighting a lot over this but he still cant let me go saying we are going to work it out.I even confronted the girl telling her he has been dating the both of us,he told to her that we had permanently broken up and she seemed to enjoy dropping my babys things as it proves an end to our relationship. This time around he is not hiding the fact that he still wants me inspite of his situation with her,he played damb when i told him i was going to let the other girl know what has been going on.

    Right now i've decided to go no contact because it has been eating me up;although here and there he reaches out to me about the baby and I respond.What must I do? I still love him and somehow blame myself for what happened.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, you have to stop blaming yourself for whatever happened. Regardless of whether you pushed him away, his current actions of wanting the best of both worlds is wrong and should not be entertained. It's not about giving him an ultimatum, but instead doing what's best for you emotionally and mentally. NC seems like the best thing you can do right now, and if he contacts you regarding your child, you can still go ahead to reply if it's important but otherwise, limit small talk for the time being and focus on yourself instead.

      Reply
  • BOB

    I cheated on her and covered it up for a month lying about stuff i didn't do. I ended up admitting it to her, and it was super hard and she dumped me the next day. She had been hitting me up occasionally saying she misses me and still loves me, that if we were both single in June and I changed I may have a chance to get her back. This was like the first 4 weeks. She hit me up a couple more weeks, like once a week. Then after February 29 she stopped. Its been a month and a half now after the breakupp and she told me two days ago after asking if she still loved me that she loves me as that she cares about me, that she misses me as a best friend, but not as a boyfriend. She said that she isn't looking past my dishonesty, lying, and immaturity. That she has already started hanging out with someone new, has went on a couple dates and hung out a couple times. Is it too late? Am I done?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You still have a chance, but you have to give her more time to let go of the past incident and for you to show her that you've changed. I suggest applying No Contact for now, and work on yourself in the meantime before trying to start a friendship with her once more.

      Reply
    • BOB

      Ok thank you! Is the new guy a rebound? It is also my birthday in like two days, what happens if she messages me. What should I do?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could definitely reply her with a thank you but keep the conversation short if possible. It's still too early to tell if the new guy is a rebound, but is usually is the case.

      Reply
    • BOB

      Ok thank you. She just messaged me and I said thank you. She then told me i hope ur doing well and left the conversation at that. Im going to go on the no contact situation now for a month or two. Good direction?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, that sounds good. All the best.

      Reply
  • Elly

    Hi, I’ve been in a long distant lesbian relationship for 2 years and a month. Because of money and work, we’ve only managed to meet Up once. And maintained contact through texting and video calls/gaming. Things were looking bad towards the past 6 months of our relationship as I needed time alone but my ex girlfriend needed attention and companionship which I failed to give her..which resulted in her eventually finding someone new and have been dating for more than a month, all the while not having ended things with me properly. But recently when things started getting really weird and i confronted her, that’s when she said it’s too late and she’s over me and she loves someone else. I did everything I possibly can to ruin things further after the break up, she says she’s in love with someone else now and she can’t “unlove” someone. And not to make her choose between her new partner or me. Is she in a rebound? Although she said it is better that I move on and forget about her, she also still wants to play the online games we play together as she still likes spending time with me. I keep trying to find traces of love she has for me left in these little things she said to me, but I don’t know if she’s just taking pity on me or she’s simply not being honest. What should I do..? We are going to get married in the game we play this weekend. She knows I still love her, and I know she loves her partner. And her partner doesn’t know about me. she Even suggested to introduce me to her partner as her close/best friend because she thinks of me that way now. Could she be lying? What should I do... please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Some individuals require constant attention and companionship from their partner or they begin to latch on to a new person when those needs are not met. For your case based on what you're saying, it could honestly be either way - her still having some repressed/confused feelings for you or actually having moved on and treating you as a good friend. Either way, she seems to be more inclined to her new partner at this point, to which you shouldn't overthink small gestures that may not mean anything because that will drive you crazy. From how I see things, your ex may actually be someone who is drawn to the person that makes her feel positive, while showing her lots of attention and care. If you're able to deal with that and start as friends but perhaps using the game as a way to build a positive bond with her, you might still have a chance. However, if you don't think you can go through with things (smiling and pretending to be ok especially while she remains with her current partner), it might be more advisable to move on.

      Reply
    • Elly

      Thanks for your reply Ryan. Does it mean there’s no point to even doing the no contact period at all in my case? She just disappears when she’s off to stay with her gf at the hotel and it so hurtful..and crushing..

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Regardless, no contact should still be applied, whether it's to give her space to miss you, or even space for you to pick yourself up.

      Reply
  • Jose

    Hi , so me and my ex have been together for 2 years i broke up with her about a month ago , this was the 4th time we have broken up and I've done it 3 out of the 4 times , I realized it that I need to change and I love her but she got a new job 2 weeks ago and started seeing somebody else , he s giving her the attention and all the sweetness I started lacking in , they work at the same place and same hours , she said she doesn't know if it's the right choice or not but she's guna try it with the new guy , I tryed everything to convince her but she said she loves me but is afraid we will get together then I will dump her again , what shoujld I do , just let it go and let her try it with the guy. ? I've tryed everything ,she said she loves me but yet what's to try something new cause she's happy with this guy they work same place and same shift , he gives her rides home buy her flowers

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given her current fears right now, even if you win her back, she would still be ridden with the insecurities that you would break up with her at any point down the road. Since she has expressed that she intends to give it a shot with the other guy, you might have to respect that for now, and only try again if they were to end things. It seems like the guy may be a rebound relationship considering that it started pretty recent after the breakup with you.

      Reply
  • Alex

    I’ve been with her for 3 years.. We broke up a month ago and i was like a crazy stalky and jealous ex
    She kept telling me that she wanted some space and time, that she wanted to be alone, and wanting to respect her choice i cope up with that for 1 week then the miss was too hard and talked and it always finished in a fight and she blocked me on all social media. And now i know that she’s sering someone else and they are becoming very close, some of her friends are even hinting that my ex said that talking to this guy make her feels well and i can’t even imagine what it would be like if they finish together :/
    Should i keep fighting or begin a no contact period ?
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you've already gotten blocked and acted needy, you should give her some space for now and begin no contact instead. Fighting on under these circumstances would only ruin your chances further in getting back together with her.

      Reply
  • anonymous

    Reply to message below -

    Yes I had completed NC and it went very well. But I think you're right.. She had been giving me a hard time about a few things, I did try my best to resolve those negative thoughts, because like you said in the 5 step plan its important to talk and sort stuff like this out.

    I know shes had been speaking to someone else so I don't know if that's playing on her mind. When I told her that it was best to leave things she kept looking at old photos from stuff we've done together and showing me, so she clearly was emotional about it. Perhaps I need to change my approach and maybe start being a bit more strong headed?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely want her back, being strong headed might not be the best idea as it may push her further away instead, reminding her of the past. Remember that you're supposed to have changed and improved for the better, so if something is bothering you regarding her, perhaps its best you be honest about those feelings and show her you're capable of communicating effectively. This might increase her affection towards you and even assure her that your change is something permanent.

      Reply
  • Chris

    I was with this girl for over a year. We never got intimate as she wanted to get married. I went out of my way for her supported her financially, accepted and loved her son and family, she never posted anything about us on her social media and in December 2017 a week before Christmas we went to Hawaii with some friends. We broke up while in Hawaii, and 2 months after that trip she changes all her profile pictures to her and a new guy kissing. Ive made no contact since we got back, I was so hurt but seeing that picture made me close that chapter to know she didnt love me but used me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm so sorry to hear that Chris, we sincerely hope that you'll be able to pick yourself up in time, and find happiness once more down the road. All the best!

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    Hi guys. So on Friday I met up with my ex.. she invited me round hers, it was the 3rd time I’ve seen her. We had quite a lengthy chat about a lot of stuff. It then ended with me saying I’d like to try and give things another go but work on it slowly, she didn’t want too though, she didn’t see a future with us. I then said well we shall just leave it then because I’m not going down that road of being just friends. We both had quite abit to drink and I was planning on staying over anyway. I said after tonight we’ll just leave it and won’t speak anymore as I think it’s for the best, which she agreed with. We didn’t end up sleeping with each other but we did end up kissing each other abit. Anyway so the next day I left and said goodbye, that evening I was out with my friends, she sent me message of something, I didn’t reply and then again today she’s messaged me about her dog but I haven’t responded. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to approach this? Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you've already completed NC, the fact that she still doesn't see a future could either mean she hasn't fully let go of the negative emotions from the breakup, or that she really doesn't see a future with you at the moment (although it's clear that she still has feelings for you). You could consider replying and slowly working your way towards winning her back by giving her more space, or decide to walk away from things.

      Reply
  • Jordan R

    Okay not looking for advice but would just like to comment that your advice worked too well! Lol. After 3 months of doing me, getting a new car, getting a new job, losing 20 lbs and looking and feeling great, my ex came back and said he was over his rebound and wanted to get back together. We talked for about 5 days and he said he thought I deserved better than him and I was doing so great he didn't want to interrupt that - and went back to the rebound chick. Honestly it was very helpful though - made me realize that he's childish with commitment problems and I deserve better than whatever he is serving. Thanks for the advice!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great Jordan. We're really proud of what you've achieved and we hope that these changes have made your life much better. All the best to you!

      Reply
  • Crystal

    My ex broke up with me. I just moved out Jan.31st and he had been seeing someone else for2 months prior to me moving out. He says she means nothing to him but yet he spends every weekend with her including Christmas and New Year's. He said it's not cheating because he been told me he wasn't happy. Should I just forget about him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the break up occurred prior to the start of him seeing another girl, then yes it wasn't cheating. However, if he had started seeing that person while you were still together, and even living under the same roof, he isn't worth it since he doesn't seem to understand the context of cheating or what it means to be in a relationship.

      Reply
  • Paps

    I was with this girl for about to years. It was a long distance relationship and we felt we were made for each other. She always wanted to communicate with me and she told me how much she loved me. We argued sometimes and she'll block on social media me but later come back telling me how she missed me and liked me. Just recently she told me she didn't wanna be in a relationship with me and wanted to be alone and that she doesn't like me. She wants to be just friends but I really love this girl and I want her. She doesn't text me as she used to and when I text her she doesn't reply. It's like she doesn't care about me anymore. I did the no contact and got in touch with her, she's just been cold. I need help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If no contact did not work, you might want to think about why she may be acting this way. It may be necessary to go about no contact once more for a longer period before contacting her again. However, the alternative to that if you aren't able to cope emotionally is to be fair to yourself and consider walking away.

      Reply
    • Paps

      I really would want to walk away, take my mind off her but I love her and I'm always thinking about her. I've started the no contact again but I don't think she considers me a part of her life now. I just wanna get over with this whole thing

      Reply
  • Gina

    My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. 18 months we were together, (we have been close for 5 years) but the past 6 months or so was a downhill fall. We just couldn’t get past things damaging our relationship. He requested a 2 week break to decide if he wants to move things forward and move in with me (some pushing on my end I’ll be honest) or end things. We agreed to focus on improving ourselves and not date or hookup with anyone else in the 2 weeks. Well he admitted to me he went on a few dates with a girl (8th grade ex gf...we are 24....) and he kind of likes her. When he is drunk he would send me photos of them together. It hurts me. But we still have been talking and seeing each other frequently. But he is also still taking her out on dates and talking to her. I asked him to stop seeing her (I know wrong thing to do) and he said “i dont know if I want too” Do you think it’s a rebound? I’m about to implement no contact and I do truely love him and see a future for us. It just hurts so much he is so quickly enjoying dates and time with another girl.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like a rebound especially since you guys were together for a period of time, and he's currently going through a novel experience by dating someone new. I encourage that you follow through with no contact, work on improving yourself, not being his emotional bolster to turn to whenever he needs someone, and give him the space to realize that he's going through a rebound.

      Reply
  • Jake

    Hi, after a month of silence from both sides (my ex broke up after a year and two months, but we've been close friends for years before that, she's younger (25), me 40, and we met at work), I wrote simply and short how she's doing, and IMMEDIATELY got a response. Therefore, I can say that this does work. The response actually surprised me because she immediately suggested to meet up face to face, even is she is uncertain whether it will make a difference she says, but it seems like the right thing to do. The month of absence for me was complete hell, I was literally waiting daily to hear from her, but then wrote myself after 30 days, and received a reply. What is very strange however, is that the day after she replied "we should meet up face to face", she blocked me from her facebook (until then it was all normal and visible), not unfriended me, but I can't see any posts anymore that are not public. This is strange, and I don't understand this part. I hope that meeting her in real will bring some answers, as the break was very sudden and very strange, from everything great to a sudden complete stop. I've read on your site that it might be that some exes don't want to upset the other in case they might want to come back, but I do fear the worst scenario, that there is someone else, let's hope this is not the case. Would also be a bit soon, after 30 days... In any case, whereas she said (out of the blue) "we will never see each other again" around new year, wanting to meet in person is progress. Now I am not strong enough to project any strong security yet, so I hope I won't be too emotional meeting her. I know we should be all manly and have made a change, but the truth is I've been too devastated for a month to make much progress, only thinking: "wtf just happened?". If you have any tips for this first meet, for which I am very nervous (feels like meeting her for the first time all over again) and what the block in fb linked to that means, pls let me know... thanks!

    Reply
  • Sun

    Hi, im 22 my ex is 23 years old. He was my fiance for two years and we have dated 7 years. We thought about getting married this year but few years was not good for us.By the way we were waiting till marriage but still did things.. I was working because of our future, he wanted attention, and intimacy i told him we can if he wants to, but he wanted to wait, sometimes i needed attention, because he was playing games..one day we had a big fight over a girl and his priority-friends, because he is playing games. So i throwed my ring and told him its over. But he didnt do anything he was tired, before that he was always telling me that im the one, he dont want to lose me. So we had a break, we wanted to start over but the thing was...he was dating other girls from dating sites and it was hurtful. We've met 3 times and everything was there, we were flirting, talking, laughing but when we were talking about relashionship he was on phone smiling, i didnt show but i was jealous. But messages from him and chating was great, we were talking like we used to with romantic emojis and that he miss me..but one day he was cold, didnt want to meet, he called me and told me its over, we are torturing each other, he loves me but he is dating other girl 2 weeks(we broke up 2 months ago and were dating too), and even he is dating he writes me he miss me, other day he is cold.He told me he dont want to get hurt again and that he will act like everythings perfect and will not show his feelings anymore. What I suppose to do? How do I get back with him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you were together with him for such a long period, and he is capable of dating other people so quickly, it either goes to show that he may have lost interest in the relationship a while back (hence his priorities of meeting friends and playing games over you), or he just doesn't want to deal with the negative emotions of dealing with a break up. The new girl he's seeing is probably a rebound however, considering the time you've been with him and that's also why it may be hard for him to let go of her so soon, since it's providing for a new experience which he has not had in a long time.

      Reply
  • Wayne

    We dated for about 3 months before getting together for 6 months. During the dating period we were really happy together. However, as this was my first relationship, I didn't maintain it well enough to make her happy each day like texting her as and when I'm free. We had an arguement and it got worse after. All she wanted was an apology, my time and attention. I regreted all that has happened. Soon after she initiated to break up as I didn't try to understand and solve the issue within the two weeks. Two months after, I realize she is dating someone new, much older but he seems to be experienced enough to text her every single day including morning and night. I'm now on NC and not sure what I can do next. It is really hard to initiate conversation with her as she is a loyal girl who sticks to a guy at a time. She will most likely ignore my message if I text. What else can I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In this scenario, it could either lead to 2 outcomes. The first is that if the relationship you shared was meaningful, there's a likelihood that the guy she's dating now is a rebound and would eventually end. The second and worse of the two outcomes is that she has moved on to something better and isn't going to look back, because it was your first relationship and didn't maintain it well enough (it's no fault of yours). Either way, there's not much you could do right now, except pick yourself up, and focus on NC as well as moving on. If an opportunity presents itself again in the future and you feel something for her still, perhaps you could give it another shot then.

      Reply
    • Wayne

      How long do the rebound relationship usually last? What if the new guy is really experienced and treats her well enough of the things I didn't do? i can feel that she is really angry and hates me. Is she still feeling emotional about our relationship or that she has moved on to the new guy? I only managed to understand the whole stituation after the break up and it gave me a lesson learnt. I really do hope that I can get her back together and do the right things for her to be happy. It is a torture to be waiting and thinking each day when will they eventually end.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      A word of advice would be to not sit around and wait for them to eventually end, because there's really no telling when it will end. In this particular situation, I hate to break it to you, but he may or may not actually be a rebound considering that you had no prior relationship experience, so there was a limit to the impression you may have left her with. I suggest focusing on picking yourself up, and even trying to move on for the time being - you might want to consider dating again in the near future to gain more exposure as well. If she happens to break up with her current partner in the future, and an opportunity presents itself, you could always consider your options then.

      Reply
  • Alice

    Hey guys,

    I commented like a month back about my ex breaking up with me and moving onto a girl who is 18. He is 24 and I am 21. So it's been 3 days past the 30 day NC period and still haven't started any contact again. I didn't do so well in the no contact period. I was motivated in the beginning and still am, have been going consistently to the gym, reading motivational books, but have days where I am crying for hours. Now they are becoming more often. Also 2 weeks ago, my ex (who blocked me on everything) did this thing where he followed and unfollowed me on snapchat after an hour and then the next day followed me (didn't follow back at all) but then posted pics with her that night on instagram. I also found out he unblocked me on all social media and even my number but made his instagram private. He unfollowed me on snap like 5 days later after viewing some of my snaps which I tried to look happy/hanging out with friends in. I'm getting too into details but I thought it was weird because I know he blocks contact with exes and apparently he's so happy with her. Also the night before following me on snap he posted a pic late at night which he seemed to be walking (he walks a lot when he needs to think through things/problems). They haven't posted anything on instagram since that post like 2 weeks ago but all the posts are still there. I'm still confused and really let this get to me in the 2nd half of NC. I'm also really hesitant about contacting again. Do you have any advice on where to go from here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Social media has the tendency to present a very false state of truth, where people post pictures or snaps of being happy or traveling the world, but actually have many issues they do not show. Just like how you upload snaps of going out with your friends and looking happy, your ex might be doing the same. However, if he's seen all your posts and unfollowed you after, he might be curious to see how you've been doing, and may even start to feel confused. That being said, he isn't about to just break up with his girlfriend immediately and jump back into your arms. Time is still needed for events to unfold, but for the meantime, you should focus on why you've been feeling worse lately and crying more, instead of waiting for him or thinking too much about the situation.

      Reply
    • Alice

      Thank you, this helps a lot. I really do overthink this.

      Reply
  • K

    hey, i broke up with my girlfriend officially on november 217, before this we were gradually falling apart. just because we couldnt see each other most often. i was her first boyfriend she has never been in a relationship before me, and i believe she was deeply in love with me. we barely talked until November when i started texting her and found that she was online most of the time and replied to me late after i send the msgg. i realized there's someone else. i was reallymad but broke up with her ina gentle way by sending her a msg saying "seems that i have been disturbing you, thank you for everything nice happened all that time, best of luck in your life. much love. bye"..she didn't reply. 2 weeks later i found her posting snaps like every two days with the guy adding heart emojis and it was obvious they were together. she never done that with me and i know that's not her normal behavior. i never posted anything or viewed what ami doing in my life, i also stopped viewing her stories..so she stopped posting. when i started posting stories i found that she views them a minute after i post. still i never talked to her. on my birthday on Jan 1st, she sent me a msg. saying "happy birthday and happy new year" i replied " thank you, glad you remembered. hope you're fine" she texted back saying "thank you. you too <3" . i feel that she's in a rebound, but im afraid their relationship gets stronger..i still want her and i still love her, but i don't know what to do..my college is really difficult and im afraid i wouldnt be able to meet her alot ..but i really really want her back or at least talk to her.. please help me.. thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The likelihood of her being in a rebound relationship is dependent on the type and length of relationship the both of you shared. If things were serious and there was a meaningful relationship, it's possible that she is going through a rebound. But you also have to consider why the relationship didn't work out in the first place, because that would explain further how she feels about you. I would recommend letting her relationship run it's course, and you shouldn't interfere with it, as it may push her further away. In the meantime, focus on the potential issues you had as a partner, and work on improving yourself. That way, when you decide to contact her again, at least there's a significant change that she may notice from you, which further sparks interest.

      Reply
  • Lilly

    Hi there,

    My ex boyfriend and I dated for nearly 5 years. I was 18 when we first started dating. We had an amazing relationship, we both knew we wanted to be together as we discussed marriage and kids. However, over 6 months ago my feelings seemed to have changed for him, I told him about it and broke up with him... we got back together the next day as I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life as I do really love him. We were great for 2 months however his family decided to cut me off because of what I did and treated me poorly. I lost all my confidence, I lost direction and I just knew he could do better than me. So I broke it off with him again and this was just over 4 months ago. He was devastated, he tried so hard to get me back in the first month as he told me I was the love of his life. However, when we met up one night he told me he has slept with someone at his work and basically his feelings changed towards me. I stopped contact for 7 weeks. I heard nothing from him, so I contacted him because I found out he lost his job. We started talking again, we went for lunch and he was shocked in how well I was looking so he was messaging me a lot to hang etc ... but I stupidly slept with him, I stayed at his house. He told me he missed me. The next day he was so cold, and told me it was a mistake and that he needs to focus on himself and that he can’t love me like he used to. He kept snap chatting me since then and I found out he was seeing the same girl he slept with from work through mutual friends as he was taking her to coffee shops and shops my friends work at. I asked him about it and he said he has no feelings for her at all and that hanging with someone because he was miserable made it easier. However, I don’t believe him. He is constantly with her and they were together NYE. I decided to cut him off social media along with his family. What do you think this relationship is? Because prior to cutting him off he was sill occasionally talking to me and always snap chatting me. I am so confused, as I love this guy so much but because of what he’s doing I just don’t know how we could ever come back from this. As he told me that if I stop talking to him there would be no hope for us in the future. I feel so confused.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could very well be a rebound relationship as he doesn't want to personally deal with the emotions of losing you, and decides to take comfort in someone else. If he is cutting you off right now, you shouldn't linger around and wait for him as you've tried reaching out once only for him to sleep with you then go back to dating the other girl.

      Reply
  • Cristina

    Hi
    I broke up with my ex on 20th December and i was really confused...I didn’t know what I wanted and I knew that i needed his attention so much that i started to do this rebound relationship (mostly just talking not flirting) without realizing it. The thing is that i was talking to this guy, that i thought i liked, on a social media (ig) and even tho my ex told me he deleted my account from his phone, he lied and a few days ago, he saw the conversation and got angry and hurt...i never wanted him to see the conversation because yeah...i knew it was just me trying to not feel miserable. But I wasn’t in a relationship and i don’t even know why he took it that bad even if I tried to explain and i told him that i am sorry. But soon after i saw him doing the same thing, even worse. He was flirting with another girl and he was acting the way he used to act with me when we were together. I did not contact him those past days and it’s so hard... I don’t know if he still care for me or not and i feel so bad for everything

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, the best thing to do is to give him some space to cool off. He is acting this way clearly because he is upset at your actions and wants revenge. Never let that get the better of you, and just let him know that you're sorry once more before applying no contact.

      Reply
  • Rick

    Hello there. I'm 19 years old, my ex is 17. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 2,5 years. We broke up 6 months ago. One month after our break-up we kissed again at a festival and it was quite obvious that she wanted to get together again. She wasn't drunk when we spoke about this. However I wanted to slow things down a little bit just to give us some time to think about everything. Right after the break-up I wasn't really panicking or anything just because my friends and family took me out a lot and there was never a really a moment for me to actually think about what had happened. The main reason why we broke up (it was a mutual decision) was the fact that I didn't give her much attention near the end of our relationship, as I was in my first year at university and I was quite concentrated on my work. I didn't know well how to manage my time, so we sort of lost connection. About 4 months after we broke up we started talking again and I realised that I still loved her. However, she told she had had sex with someone (who then turned out to be a player). We met a couple of times (before I found this article) and I told her that I still loved her. She said that she was over our relationship. A couple of days ago, a friend of mine told me that she really didn't want to have a relationship with me anymore and that she was interested in someone else (who apparently doesn't even look at her in real life). I've been doing the NC-rule for about 25 days now. One day I accidently bumped into her at the supermarket and I didn't say anything to her so now she thinks I'm mad at her (which a part of me is). How should I consider the guy she's interested in and should I stick to the regular 5 step-plan from this website ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you should take what things are happening at face value. You could always start off as friends first after your NC and just slowly build a connection back up if you genuinely still want her back. But never put pressure on her to make a choice since right now, both of you are not together.

      Reply
  • Alice

    Hey guys,

    So my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago after several months talking/couple months together. He’s 24 and I’m 21. We got to know each other really well, had common goals, and were even talking about marriage since that was very important to him (I was hesitant because he would talk about getting married 2 years from now which was early for me). I was getting out of a breakup so I vented to him a lot in the first 1-2 months and would mention my ex sometimes which he didn’t like and now looking back I shouldn’t have done.
    This was in the summer but wasn’t a fling, we felt serious. We're both in school so things started to get stressful a month in. We fought once a week then multiple times a week, all on text. We started to focus on positive things less, he said he didn't feel connected as much but everytime we saw each other, it's like we hadn't fought. We both acknowledged we couldn't see each other to work things out as much but then he broke it off, saying we fought too much, didn't feel trust, school/finals stress, & that we should take a break. We talked for another 2 weeks saying we could work things out & even hung out a week after the breakup. It felt like he really wanted to make it work. He did mention this classmate he worked on a project with and went to her apartment. They talked about their past relationships, even ours which I didn’t like but didn’t think anything of it. Both his exes cheated on him so he had trust issues so he said he would never do that to me or go behind my back. He said he would never be interested in her because she’s 18, seems stuck up, and they have nothing in common. I mentioned a guy my friend was trying to set me up with to help me move on (I told my ex I wasn't interested) but he didn't like it. A week later, we got into the worst fight after my other ex messaged me after months (but I told him I denied him) then we didn’t talk for 2.5 weeks.
    So then I see a picture on insta of his arm around that girl & messaged him finding out they started dating less than a week after our last fight because “they just clicked” & right after finals he went to her house out of state & met her parents (she is rich & apparently has her own house). He said they really like each other but don’t love each other yet & isn’t even thinking about marriage. I told him it didn't make sense why he's with her & he said he had a change of heart/things happened fast. We had an ugly fight after that because I was so angry, it was the worst one & he said that’s why he left me. I made a lot of mistakes, really seeming needy but he’s blocked me on everything telling me he really likes her & I need to respect that. I said I did & just wanted to talk/be friends (which he said too) but he’s blocked me. I think it’s a rebound but he broke up with a girl like a month before meeting me & he says he completely shuts out exes. It doesn’t seem like they match but that he really likes her. I don’t know what to do but just really want him back since I’m committed to him but I feel like the more they’re together, they’ll fall in love & I’ve already made myself look like a fool. Help! Do you have any advice?

    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like he's trying to get back at you, and this girl is probably a rebound that was emotionally there for him during the times you guys were fighting. If he really has nothing in common with her, they would not last. Also, based on what you told me and how fast they jumped right into things, it would seem like she's most likely a rebound. For the time being however, I suggest you move on* as well first and focus on yourself. Focus on your life, improve yourself, even go on other dates. If you guys shared a meaningful relationship, it's unlikely that he would get over you so quickly.

      Reply
    • Alice

      Thank you! I'm just so confused. He just didn't seem like the type of guy to do that, especially since he would say I'd never do that to anyone since both of his exes cheated. But it was only like 2.5 weeks since we fought (he said he loved me the day before) that he's dated her and already went like 10 hours away to meet her parents. I don't get it. I started NC but they will probably spend New Year's, Valentine's etc. together when he asked me months ago if we wanted to spend both of those days together. I'm nervous because he started saying things like it wasn't love for us even though he thought it was and that we weren't compatible. In the months of getting to know each other he would say we were a team and we had a lot in common. We talked 24/7 and things started to get a little tough but our fights were over silly things, I just don't get why or why he would try to get back at me.

      Reply
  • Christa

    Hi,
    I posted earlier, but I don't think it actually posted bc I can't find my post now. On Dec. 1, my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me tearfully citing that me desire to have a home and family soon (we are both 35yrs old. ) as well as him not being where he thinks he should be after 3.5 years together. He said he loved me, believes he is in love with me, and that I'm his best and only friend but I deserve everything I want and he doesn't think he's the guy to give it to me. I'm the longest relationship he's had as an adult, the only woman he's said I love you to, and the only woman he's lived with. He has not had a serious adult relationship. However, 4 days later he was sleeping with a woman from work who is the exact opposite of everything he's ever said he's wanted. She 37, mother of 4, divorced, uneducated, smoker, and a truck driver at the same dead end job he's at and hates so much and trying to leave when he's done with his master's. He's explained that she's nice and he's not just sleeping with her. That he likes her despite the ridicule he receives at work. He told me he prefers me over her and that she doesn't even come close to me so I am not to compare myself. We agreed I would move out in June, so he has since moved out and he found a rental close to her. She is already posting on facebook that he's the one. Meanwhile, every time he comes to maintain the property he tells her that I'm not here and he proceeds to hug, kiss, and spank me playfully. I told him if he really liked her then he would be honest with her. He agreed that he doesn't want to be that kind of man for anyone. It sounds like he got a case of cold feet, but I'm not sure. He seems to be doing everything in his power to make it work with this woman who is so obviously a poor replacement of me but also an excellent distraction from him having to deal with our breakup and lovers and best friends. In fact, he still admits that I'm still his best friend and he can't talk to her as openly and without defense as he can with me. I don't want to be the other woman in his relationship, but is this a rebound even if he's trying to do everything right and take her wishes into consideration? Also, am I being wishful in assuming he got a case of cold feet? Do I proceed with no contact? I've been doing my part in bettering myself. Every time he sees me he tells me how great I look and that our breakup suites me. I've told him I went on a date to which he showed jealousy and admitted it but then shook it off saying he can't really say anything considering what he's doing himself. Thoughts? Is there hope for us?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There might be hope for you, but not right now. If that relationship he's in is a rebound (which it sounds like), then you should not continue to stay hopeful in one place but at least move on a little, so that you don't constantly think of it. I would suggest proceeding with NC and just in general, moving on with life for the moment.

      Reply
    • Christa

      Thanks, Ryan! I appreciate the feedback and I'll continue to work on myself. Actually, I'm feeling better about myself everyday. It wasn't a bad breakup and we both remained respectful and civil with each other. There's love there, I'm just not sure whay kind of love it is, romantic or friendship. But I'll move forward as though it's done and let him figure out what he wants in life. Meanwhile, I'll just get back to being who I was before I dedicated my life to him and his well - being. Thanks!

      Reply
  • Michelle

    Hey Ryan,
    I was with my ex for 9 years. He proposed in may and things seemed fine. Maybe a little stressful with wedding planning and me being in school and working full time. Then around mid october out of nowhere he states he's unhappy and he's been unhappy for a while and that I treated him like shit for 9 years. I know I can be snappy at times and I begged for the first couple of weeks to give me another chance and to work on each other but he would just say that he gave me so many chances. In the back of my mind I always had this gut feeling about this girl that he was working with. Since last november I told him I felt uncomfortable with him being friends with her. Last December someone actually made a fake facebook account and messaged me how close the two of them are and how they hung out before school all the time. When I confronted him he said some crazy person at school was starting rumors. Fast forward to the present I found out that they have been talking and he went to her for our relationship advice and they both got feelings for each other. I caught him at her house and she met his family 3 weeks after we broke up. He took her to see a broadway play and to an expensive steak house (around $500) about one month after we broke up. I know this has been going on for a while so I am unsure if this is still considered a rebound. He lied to me and his friends about the girl and is still trying to hide her. He told everyone that he and the girl were going on a break to prove to everyone that he did not break up with me for her. Over the next month and a half I have been seeing a therapist and things seemed to be going okay with my ex and I. He would always be the one to initiate the conversations and we went shopping, dinner, and the movies a couple of weeks ago and things seemed great. He even texted me how much fun he had. He just keeps saying he is scared to give me another chance and doesn't think that I will change. He would go back and forth every couple of weeks. An example, I was in Miami one weekend and he was constantly texting me and his friends telling us that he wanted to work it out. As soon as I told him if we are trying to work on each other then he would eventually have to find work somewhere else he flipped out saying I was trying to control him. He obviously still wants to be with this girl and is now using the excuse "I'm working on myself." He's mad that everyone knows what he did to me and is only ashamed because he got caught. I have not spoken to him in a week. I am just afraid that not talking to him is bringing him and the girl closer together. Do I continue with the no contact and is this girl a rebound or not? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He would think you aren't capable of change because you're still in relatively constant contact with him and just like it's hard to tell if someone lost weight if you saw them everyday, this works out to be the same - change can't be seen clearly if you see the person or talk to the person constantly. I suggest proceeding with NC to actually work on any issues you had to become an improved version of yourself first. This girl could be a rebound but it really depends on the situation (was he cheating all this while or only started dating her after the breakup). Honestly, in this situation, you might want to mentally prepare to walk away because if he can't even be honest towards you (or his friends) about this, you might find it hard to trust him on future occasions if you guys were to work things out.

      Reply
    • Michelle

      I just think he's using the excuse I won't change because of the girl. Clearly if the girl wasn't in the picture we would be able to work on our relationship and you would think he would want to give me another chance because he did propose. I have not spoken to him in 2 weeks other then just saying merry christmas yesterday. I do not think he physically cheated while we were together but he did emotionally cheat. He was talking to her over the past year when I asked him not to and he would lie about it. He apparently saw her in the summer with another coworker and I had no idea and her number was changed in his phone. He caught feelings for the girl and other then stepping back from the situation he kept going on with it. I had all his passwords so I could see what he was doing with the girl and that is how I caught him because he was lying to everyone about her. Now I really don't know what is going on because I'm kind of starting to not care. I still want to keep up with the no contact and see how that goes.

      Reply
  • Jordan R

    Hiii okay I need some advice
    So I dated my boyfriend for 3 years, we moved in together at the beginning of this year. We had a difficult relationship - I cheated once, he cheated a few times. We broke up for a week or so last year and then we got back together and decided to start fresh, no more cheating or anything we were gonna be serious. Then we moved in together a few months later. I kept my promise, was 100% dedicated to him (I cheated right in the beginning when we had only been dating a few weeks. He has used this as leverage and an excuse to cheat throughout our relationship). About a month ago he told me he cheated again - we broke up. For a week I had to live there and he was so cold, didn't talk to me or see me. He was plain rude. Then I moved out and he came running back, saying he regretted everything and he still loves me and wants to work it out. I went away on a trip for 3 days, when I came back he told me he doesn't know what he wants and he has met someone else who makes him really happy. It's been a month and I have not talked to him since. So far, he has proceeded to delete me and all my friends on Facebook, but he's still making pointed posts like "it sucks when you give your all to someone and they don't do the same". This morning, I discovered he made a post on instagram with This new girl and captioned it "I have never been so happy, it keeps getting better and better with you". He had been following me on instagram up until this morning - so he made a post and then unfollowed me.
    I don't necessarily know if I want to get back with him, he has really hurt me and I don't know if were right for each other. However I still really love him and im hurt that he possibly moved on so fast. Does this sound like rebound behavior? If I decide I want to be with him and try to get him back, what steps should I take ?
    Your advice is appreciated!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes,

      What you're describing sounds a lot like rebound behavior and isn't something you should be too worried about. If he could latch on and run back to you the moment you walked away, and yet latch onto someone new as easily when you're gone for a couple of days, it doesn't sound like it's a person you can feel secure with for a prolonged period. That's just my opinion and if you genuinely want him back (as opposed to moving on), it's something you need to be mentally prepared for. In the meantime, I would suggest applying No Contact and first focus on picking yourself up before deciding again what you should do.

      Reply
  • Mary

    Hi
    Im Mary and i am quite confused of what this guy whom unfortunately I love so much wants. We are in a long distance relationship and he left me last September telling me that he cannot bear the distance anymore and that he needs a gf that is physically available. It was the worst heartbreak I experienced in my whole life and it left me shattered. Even after the breakup we still communicate as he always wants to be friends. After a month I felt tired and all I know was that he finally found someone else. I didnt contact him for almost a month but now he is coming back to mylife again saying that he misses me still. He finally decided to break up with the new girl but td me that he is also not 100% ready to be in a relationship with me again. Now i am confused if this guy is even worth loving for after all what he did or is he just trying to fool me around again knowing how much I loved him so hes taking an advantage?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be either reasons. You know him better than anyone else. I would suggest that if he could walk away once over lack of physical contact, as long as nothing changes (aka you moving to be with him or vice versa), it could easily happen a second time. Be fair to yourself and think this through on whether it's worth it.

      Reply
  • Nick

    Hi Kevin. I broke up with my girlfriend in August, after dating for 7 months. She pleaded to have me back shortly in September, and after thinking about it for awhile, I regretted it and wanted her back. The reason to break up with her wasn’t good, and it had to do with some personal issues I’m dealing with. She started seeing this new guy in October who (what I’ve been told by others) is a long-time friend. I’ve sat down and talked with her about the mistakes I’ve made in breaking up with her and apologized, however, I also got a little emotional through the talk. She still stays in contact with me regularly, and says she “loves me”. She also said that “she’s confused” and “doesn’t know what she wants”. She does seem to light up when she sees me and we’ve had some intimate contact in the past week (kisses on the cheek and warm hugs). I’m not really sure if this relationship is a rebound or not, but I’m seeking advice from you so I can better figure out the situation I’m in.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Nick,

      It's normal that people seek comfort in others when they're upset, which is why rebounds exist in the first place. Right now she may be feeling conflicted (as opposed to directly jumping into the rebound) because you're still in the picture and on relatively good terms with her. If you're certain that you can make the relationship work and not go back into the same cycle as before, I don't think you should treat the guy as a rebound (where you have to back off and not interfere) but rather as fair competition where you're trying to win her heart once again.

      Reply
  • Melissa

    Hi! Three months ago, my exboyfriend and I broke up. We were together for a year in a long distance relationship. I don't even know who broke up with who. I was feeling unloved and I told him. I thought we would try to work things out. However, he took it as if I was saying he was wrong or that it wasn't working. He said he was going to answer me but he didn't. After some texts and after time of not talking, he suddenly met someone else when he was travelling. Everything between them went so fast. He wrote about having a soul connection and about true love in a few days after meeting each other. I saw their interaction through social media and I could see how fast everything has been moving between them (with me everything went pretty slow and it took him forever to tell me he loved me and things like that). She is nothing like me, she is totally different both physically and in interests. She is almost 20 years younger than him. I feel they are really into each other and I am sad because I thought he would think things through and get back together. The confusing part is that after he came back from his trip (and of meeting her), he started texting me. We talked and he seemed to be sad. He told me "I have been ok"(instead of great as he looks on his pictures). He has been texting me, to say nothing important. I don't understand why. Is it because he felt guilty? Is he trying to be friends? Also, after we talked for the first time in a long time, I posted a picture with a guy I met. I didn't have any intentions of doing so, but that day he sent me a super friendly text. I don't know if it was because now it seems that each one of us moved one or could it be that he is still interested? Why does he want to start and keep talking? What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could be confused and undecided on what he wants at the moment, and the other girl could be a rebound that sparked while he was trying to cope with your 'breakup' seeing how you said that she was nothing like you. It could be that he keeps wanting to talk to you so as to not let you go, since his spark with the rebound may have been a holiday romance.

      Reply
  • Joe

    Hi, so i was dating this girl for about 2 years and we loved each other very much. We spent everyday we could together. I slipped up and cheated on her with another girl. I then told her about what had happened and she became super angry and slept with a guy to hurt me. She told me right after she did it to make sure i felt the pain. I obviously want her back because I acknowledged my mistake but now she does not want to talk to me. She is now with the same dude and is posting alot about him on social media for me to see. I want to commit to fixing our relationship but understand that she is not in the best state of mind to talk. I'm going to start no contact for at least 45 days and see what happens. I'm pretty sure she still loves me and is just rebounding. Any suggestions or concerns i should be worried about?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Joe,

      At the moment, leave her be (no matter how painful it may be to see them together) and during this NC period, spend time focusing and improving yourself as a person. Give her that space to calm down and let her relationship with the guy fade out before coming back.

      Reply
    • Joe

      Thanks Ryan, I will follow what you have instructed. So say i do NC and i message her and shes still upset with me, is there anything i can do? Also, I have a strong belief that she is scared to come back to me because of how bad i hurt her. Im pretty sure this girl is my soulmate.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Joe,

      If you're really sure that she's your soulmate and you're willing to wait, if after you apply NC and she is still upset with you, that means that it may be still too soon and you have to give her even more time, continuing with NC for as long as necessary.

      Reply
    • Joe

      Hey Ryan, I just wanted to clarify that if my ex is still with her rebound after my 45 no contact period, that i should still not contact her until the other guy is gone? Also, do you have any other tips on what to do in the time being. Thanks.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it would be better not to, although if she contacts you first, perhaps you could always start off as friends. In the meantime, focus on improving yourself as a person. Take up a new hobby, get a climb on your career, go out with friends, even date around again. The last thing you want is to be caught still stuck at the same place down the road when she's moved way ahead of you.

      Reply
    • Joe

      Thanks Ryan, I have moved on and I have been hanging out with other women. I don't believe my ex has moved very far ahead due to the fact that she never really dealt with our breakup (rebound). It's frustrating to watch her make a fool out of herself with this new guy, her friends and others all question why she is still with him. Is there anyway to knock some sense into her without making myself look needy/ look like i'm trying to ruin their relationship. Thanks. -Joe

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Joe, unfortunately it's hard for you to do that without coming across as desperate and wanting her back. If you're on talking terms with her, you can always advise and tell her to be cautious of the relationship but I wouldn't do more than that.

      Reply
  • Mitch

    It’s been about eight months since me and my girl friend broke up after 1 year into the relationship. She was the one to break off the relationship. Although, I was devastated and tried convincing we can make things work, I came to a point that of not replying to her because she was blabbering non-sence in her final set of msgs. I went to a NC, and after 2 months she contacts me again. I took it slow and talked with her. And understood that she is showing interest. However, after a while she went cold again. The same happened again twice within a period of 4 months. This was taking me through an emotional rollercoaster. But however, I went NC again. About a month ago, she send me a msg again asking how I am. I started to talk to her, she was really nice and comforting but with time she went cold again. Unfortunately, I became a bit needy this time around. So she sent me a set of msgs full of anger, and told me that she didn’t want to talk to me again. Right now I’m in a NC period. But recently I've heard that she seeing a guy. I'm hearing that she rushing into progress with the new guy. So what I your advice on this to me. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Mitch,

      I suggest you leave them be and continue with NC indefinitely. If she's in a rebound, she will eventually break up with the guy and the rushing into things may be a way to compensate for any negative emotions she might feel against you. The whole point of going into NC is to allow you to recover from any emotional hurt you might have faced as well as improve yourself. It's hard to do that if she keeps coming back to you but leaving you short each time. Even if you want her back, you should be at a point where you're okay if she's back in your life, but also okay if she's not before trying for anything again.

      Reply
    • Mitch

      Thanks Ryan,
      Appreciate the fact that you had time to respond to me. Could I ask you why she's showing this kind of behaviour even though its been like 9 months since the break up?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There may still be underlying feelings of resentment towards you regarding the overall negative emotions she felt during the relationship, but it's only speculation on my part. If you really want to know for certain, the only way is to actually ask her about it.

      Reply
  • april sherman

    hey kevin.
    as everyone in the room here, i need help.
    so, my bf broke up with me (we've been together for 5 and a half years), said he want to focus on his career, says he feel bad for being unable to help me in my hard times, and so on. i dont understand why because we were fine two days ago, it just come out of the blue. i dont accept it of course, but then within couple of days he posted a picture with another girl saying what lovers would say. That just hurt me really bad so i told him, "is that really the reason why? because u already have a new one?" and he just keep apologizing. we discussed about that, i said i forgive him only if he leaves her, he said he need some time, and what bothers me most is he block my Instagram, so i deactivated mine. now we dont talk anymore, but surely i know he is still with that girl and, i still want him back. do u think i had a chance? do u think me and him could start over? what am i supposed to do now?
    seriously i need help here, thnk u

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi April,

      Well at the moment, there isn't much you can do because of it's never right to break a relationship up. If they're together, and has resorted to even blocking you on social media platforms, then it would better for the time being that you also move on. In the future if he ever breaks up with her and you still want him back, then perhaps you could try again but right now, I suggest applying the no contact rule.

      Reply
  • Dee

    My girlfriend and I broke up in July, she was having some family issues, she gave me the reason that she wasn't good for me, that was why the breakup happened, so she isn't going to hurt me. I followed the NC rule for 3 weeks, everything seemed to be working, she said she wanted us back, but she needed time. In October, she started dating someone. I'm about to follow the NC rule for second time, hoping it will work

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi there,

      If she says that she wants you back but got together with someone else, perhaps you could try to understand why it happened. Yes, apply NC again and don't interfere with their relationship and if it's a rebound, she will break it off eventually. However, you shouldn't stay in one place for this period either (not moving on) and at least spend this time focusing on yourself by doing things like going out with your friends, perhaps even date again, and when the next opportunity presents itself (if it does), at least you'll be emotionally prepared for it.

      Reply
  • Danielle

    Hello, I've noticed my situation maybe a little more entangled then some. My boyfriend and I have live together sharing a house for almost nine years. He suffers from bipolar disorder and has recently been going through Cycles very quickly. He had met a woman on a singles website that he became friends with. Whenever he was feeling less than adequate or he and I were arguing he would go to that woman for validation that he's a great person and he's right. A long story short, we've been going through some very trying times and even the loss of a child. He is what I call a chronic Runner, always running from his problems and never facing hard feelings and emotions. About six weeks ago we got into a terrible argument. He packed his things and he moved in with this woman. I still live in our home and we still communicate pretty much every day. He states that they are in a relationship because he feels he needs to stay at her house and he doesn't want to rock the boat. He says he wants his own place and is looking for a townhome. He is very interested in what I'm doing and my well being. He has told me numerous times that he is still very much in love with me and that he does not love her at all. He likes her and appreciates the things that she does for him like allowing him to stay in her home. He lies to her and comes over here and we'd even slept together. Both of us are grown he is almost 50 and I am 40. Neither of us want to hurt anybody but I would love to work things out with him. Do we know contact is not going to work for us because as I stated we share a home together and most of his belongings are still here. I will not prevent him from coming to his own house or even make that suggestion. It could be cause to feel paranoia that exist from his bipolar disorder. Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated. He's extremely concerned that I might start dating and fall in love with someone. I've explained that I'm just not ready for this. He feels a lot of regret that he is living with somebody else but at the same time he knows he does not want to live in this house whether I were here or not. What should I do? What steps do I take at this juncture? We are both very much in love with each other and he even mentioned that he thought perhaps this was just a break that we need but in my mind it's not doing anything to deal with the issues we had. Thank you for your time and I hope to hear back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Danielle,

      Since no contact and asking him to move out is out of the question, perhaps at a later given date when everyone has more or less calmed down from the situation, sit down and have a talk with him regarding the issues you guys faced and how you can work together to solve them. More importantly, he definitely has to let go of the other woman if you guys want the relationship to work since that will only serve as a constant obstacle and something for him to run to every time an issues arises.

      Reply
  • Satyam

    Hey Kelvin
    I was with in relationship for almost 2 years.
    Everytime she given me a chance result was the same
    We fought
    And always I break her.
    Now finally she decided to end up the things on 18 Oct from 18 Oct to 21st Oct she was thinking why she has done this
    But I called her everytime she said she want some space and time still I called her
    Now she is just irritated with me
    On 23rd I said that I will not call you
    Now what I will do
    Does she will really miss me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey,

      I suggest you give her the space she wants and don't apply too much pressure on her. You've been together for two years and there's a chance she still loves and misses you but let her be the one to say she's ready. And if you do get back together, please work on your recurring issues to make sure the relationship lasts this time.

      Reply
  • Himanshu

    Dear Mr kevin please help me out, I have had been dating a girl for 5 months, she even told me that she will get married to someone else because she is a Muslim, for some time she got confused between me and him, but eventually decided to end with me after seeing my conversation on FB with my exes, I did not tell her about my past casual relationships, though I really am serious for her and think she is the last girl in my life. she says she won't ever trust me again, I was her first boyfriend, blocked me from everywhere where before I acted as a doormat for a month, she told me that she has grown her relationship with him now, because I acted so weird n troubled and Disturbed her, and she loves him. I don't know what to do, but I really think I can't live without her, as far as no contact is concerned, I fear she might get engaged in a month, which she planned to postpone few weeks ago.
    She did ask me to live happily n let her go for her happiness before things got worse between us,the guy she's gonna marry is also professionally senior to me. we three are doctors, I really need help, just can't focus on anything and want her back. I told her I rely love her and will wait for her forever but she's says she doesn't gives a damn n would never trust me coz I have been in many relationships before, moreover my ex did also call in front of her for no reason n she even doubted that. I really love her, please help me. She even told me she is not going to cheat him by even talking to me or else he will be shattered n he left his girlfriend to marry her,things are all complicated. Please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Himanshu,

      Right now, by going back to her, you're going to come across as needy and desperate and this will push her further away. If she is indeed planning to get married, your best bet would be to focus on recovery and working on yourself. If she really loves you, she will come back eventually but it isn't something you should pressure her into because that doesn't work. I suggest applying the no contact rule in order to give yourself some distance from the situation and this might help you gain a fresh perspective.

      Reply
  • Elis

    Hey Kevin.
    My bf and I were together for 1.5 year. We were really good together and had great chemistry. Two weeks ago though he break up with me because he said that he's not in love with me anymore.. but I believe its because I left. On September I had to move out of town and the plan was that we were gonna be in a LDR for this year. By the beginning of June we were gonna live together. We were in our first month of LDR when he realised that he loves me but is not in love with me. It shocked me to hear that and after a lot of talking he finally admitted that he felt an attraction for another girl.. now this girl was a friend of his. I knew her and I can guarantee you that there was nothing going on between the two of them before I left. Actually we were crazy in love while I was still there. I'm sure about that. Anyway, I accepted what he said. I even told him that I would block him on fb cause it wound be to painful for me to see him with her. He said he understands.
    He did asked me to be friends but I said no. Eventually we said our goodbyes and I haven't contacted him ever since. I've stuck to the no contact rule.
    And then he posed a pic of his with her as his new gf. And of course he didn't do it on fb. No, he posted it on Instagram. Now I just unfollowed him on Instagram, because 1) he hadn't posted anything at all. He had 0 posts and never really cared about it and 2) because he told me that he would delete the account. So I didn't thought it was necessary to block him there too. So imagine my surprise when my friend showed me that pic.
    Another thing I have to nention is that on fb we had no common friends. But on Instagram my friends follow him, and so does some of my family members.. So there was no way that I woudn't found out about his first post.
    Two weeks... exactly two weeks after our break up he just moved on. And it was really out of his character! He never uploaded pic of us. And we were together for so long... I know it sounds crazy but I fell that he did it on purpose. Like he is angry at me because I haven't contacted him ever since the break up and wants to hurt me now or something.. could that be true?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Elis,

      Perhaps in situations like these, it would be best to actually ask him so as to not leave yourself jumping to conclusions? It may be likely he is currently going through a rebound which you can read up more here Long distance can be hard and if he can't be honest with you, it will also be very hard to initiate anything or progress. First complete the no contact period to give yourself some space.

      Reply
  • Tim

    Kevin, my ex cheated on me then dumped me for this person. They have only been dating for a month but already she says that she feels he is the one. Yet she said that she still feels that way about me. After reading this, the signs point to this being a rebound and that's somewhat comforting. She's rubbed him in my face, she's staying with him. This person is the total opposite of me in every way. Recently she told me that we should be friends at first and slowly work towards getting back together. I agreed to it, as long as we get back together. She already knows I want to. She said that if/when we do get back together,this other person will back off. I want to believe there's hope but she hasn't messaged me in days. Do I do the no-contact routine again or what?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Tim,

      If you have not done no contact till now, then you absolutely must do it for at least two months. She cheated on you which is a huge betrayal of trust. Even if you get back together, it will be hard for you to trust her again. Right now, you just want her back out of desperation and fear of losing her forever. These are not good reasons to get back together. Take your time and think things through. By doing no contact, you will also show her that you are not desperate to get back with her, which is going to make her more attractive to you. It might even make her think about her actions and regret what she did.

      Reply
  • Jazz

    I was dating my collegue for about a year i felt like he was pulling away and things were changing. So i went onto no contact with him. He tried reaching out to me after 10days but I did not reply him. After my no contact was over I tried messging him with a nice memory we shared it did not show any needeness or any sign that I want him back. But there was no reply from him. I waited for another 5 days and sent him a text still no reply. Why is he not responding? Did he loose intrest in me? Is he so mad at me that he is not reafy to speak with him at all? What should I do now? Plz help

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jazz,

      Yes, it does seem like he is mad. You should do no contact again for a couple of weeks. The next time you contact him, don't send a nice memory or a casual text. Instead, use a serious text. Something like the elephant in the room text mentioned in this article.

      Reply
  • Mari

    My ex broke me up a month ago now but we still keep in touch. We were so happy before and all of the sudden he found another girl. I know him he cant live with only one woman. I lived with him for many months and I took care of him like we were a couple.Yes what he did was very humiliating, insulting and embarrasing. The lovely things he said to me before now after meeting the girl was totally opposite. He knows I love him so much. Lately, he said to me that the girl is a total opposite of me. But I dont believe him because he keeps lying to me. He wants to still keep in touch of me but I am not getting any affection from him anymore. One time he asked me if I still like him or love him. I dont feel the respect anymore. Even if he said I am better than the other girl but they still keep seeing each other. I am now trying not to contact him. I kbnow I want him back and I know how unstable he is emotionally. What will I do ?

    Reply
  • Becky

    I was seeing this guy for 14 months. I love him and I know he loves me. Our plan was to move in together at the end of summer. During our relationship he would get mad over simple things and tell me that our relationship wouldnt work but he always came back. This time he left and immediately started seeing some one less than two weeks later. I never contacted him at all and on Mothers Day he texted me. He says only to see if I had a good day. Of course the texting turned into my telling him that I loved him and wanted to be together. I was always very open and honest to him about my life and everything going on but he never truly opened up to me about anything. Now he is saying I always kept him at arms length which is so untrue. He is still seeing this other girl. It is close to a month that we broke up He always broke up with me thru text messages never face to face. I havent texted him since sunday and it is now wednesday and he has texted me twice.......what do i do???

    Reply
  • Jack

    Kevin, got out of a drastic relationship after 5 years in December 2014. Jan 2015 met this girl but I was heartbroken. Kept her on hold for two years and now she dumped me the day I declared. Any chances?

    Reply
  • Mark

    Good day, I have stumbled upon this site looking for answers. I was in a Long Distance Relationship with the most wonderful Girl recently, we talked and saw each other for about a year, but due to Life, it slowed down. Then out of the blue, she said she wasn't ready for it, which we were going as slow as we could. So I drove Five hours out of my way to find out what was happening and as it turns out she has found herself a new guy, who just "kinda showed up", and that she doesn't want to talk to me or even be my Friend, because she doesn't want to hurt us anymore than what she has.
    I really don't know what to do or think. I've looked at your Five Steps to Breakups and don't know. I don't even want to talk to her, but I want her back and things just seem to fall apart without her. If you get the time to read through this, please, reply, I need help.

    Reply
  • Sian

    Me and my boyfriend got together at 18 and in a relationship for 2 and a half years before he broke up with me two months ago very suddenly, we were very happy so i wasn't expecting it. He told me his reasons were because he's not enjoying work hes feeling low and just cant be in a relationship right now. We saw eachother a few times after the break up just so i could ask some questions but when we met it was so nice we just caught up with eachother and had a laugh.
    Ive been using nc now for about 2 weeks. But it looks like he might be seeing someone (hes know her his whole life, they breifly dated when they were 13 and have mutual friends and work near eachother) im now questioning his reasons for the break up and if he actually rekindled with her or they started to talk after the break up. Is there any chance this could be a rebound? And do i have a chance of winning him back over? I feel like hes over me and moved on.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sian,

      If they just briefly dated when he was 13, then there's a good chance it's a rebound. You do have a chance of getting him back. But you should still do no contact and learn to be happy without him before trying.

      Reply
  • Toni Djakic

    I was her rebound guy... Now she is in new relationship... She broke my heart in 10000 peaces... And now 4 months later im still in shit and she is in love with him...
    Life sucks man...

    Reply
  • Jay Sands

    Oh Heck noooooo, If she's in a relantionship and having sex with some whatever, move on, leave, get yourself a nicer one, there are better ones believe me, let her keep on rebounding for the rest of her life then. Disgusting

    Reply
  • Luke

    Kevin,
    Ive done everything wrong, I really wish I had read your article a month ago.
    When I found out my ex was in a new relationship I was still struggling with the breakup. I got drunk and I sent very angry messages to both of them. I was so upset, I didnt play it cool at all. Im pretty sure from what Ive read here that Ive only pushed her further into his arms. Is there any coming back from this? Im one week into No Contact now, but i think im going to have to wait at least 2 months.

    Reply
  • confusedbutok

    My ex gf broke up with me at the end of November and found out she was on Match a month later. We started talking very briefly via texts a month ago and she'd respond to my texts but never initiated. I tried asking her to get together to catch up but she said she doesn't think that's a good idea yet because she's currently happy with someone else. I didn't get upset or show jealousy just told her ok and to remember if she needs an ear I'm here for her. Now I've decided to not contact anymore. My question, if this is a rebound is better to not interfere or to keep in touch with her during? Many conflicting advice online, one source claims I need to keep in touch so she develops a stronger emotional bond with me before her new guy can

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If she is cold towards you, you should do no contact for a while and let her initial honeymoon period get over. If she is not cold towards you and you have already done no contact, then you can stay in touch with her.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      How would I know when the honeymoon phase is over to contact again? When I had suggested getting together to catch up and she said it wasn't a good idea yet I told her no problem don't be shy to suggest it sometime. Should I just not contact at all until she does?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It usually takes a month or two. I'd suggest you do wait at least one month. If she doesn't contact you, then you should contact her.

      Reply
  • Victoria

    Hi Kevin
    My ex and I were daing for 7 months. Had a wonderful summer together. But there were a lot of problems throughout our relationship. He is a very needy guy and very jealous guy. He broke up with me cuz I hurt him about things that he's exaggerated about and jumping to conclusions and a lot of miscommunication. Towards the end, he contacted me after we broke up wanting to see me and messing with my head. Like he didn't want to work things out but he didn't wanna let go either. I couldn't take it anymore, I blocked him out of my life. I had too in order for me to move on. 2 weeks later he started seeing someone else. I was in shock and it hurt me so much!!! I ran into him at a bar, he was with friends, didn't see his new girl with him at all. One of his friends said he saw me and left cuz he didn't want me to be uncomfortable. That just hurt more! I read about rebound relationships, is he in one? I felt more Luke I may have been a rebound from his last relationship. That ended 6 months before we started dating. He's had feelings for me for 2 years before we got together, but he was rushing the relationship when I wanted to take things slow. My questions are, is he rebounding with the new girl? Or was I a rebound as well? Its been almost 3 months since we broke up and I am doing the no contact...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is probably in a rebound. I don't think you were a rebound since he took 6 months after his last relationship to begin a relationship with you. Regardless of that, your best course of action is to follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Victoria

      I've done the 5 step plan. I guess its gonna take 6 months for the no contact. And Im too scared to write him that letter, especially when he's with someone else. Our anniversary is may 3. He made a big deal about our anniversary

      We hooked up at a big 80s bash that happens every year. He won that contest. The same bash is happening in April. When I looked at the info about it online, his pic was right there. I started to cry. I guess I still need to work on my emotions. I guess I'm hoping, he will know about the event, and maybe he will think of me. It just seems to much if a sign. Thank you Kevin for listening :)

      Reply
  • Kj

    It's just now it seems like she was in it just to wait. I don't see how he is better then me. Just because you are best friends and like some of the same things or like to eat at same place. Or the fact you have same interest in spiritual beliefs and he takes you to shows and flashy events dealing with art because that's what he does he does tattoos and he makes paintings for her. Doesn't mean that we could never have gone to those fancy shows and places or that we never had same interests either. I would try at least to do things to make her happy.

    And the fact the she seems to have changed a lot like overnight since it ended. When first time I saw her I was like your all different she agreed she is into things she was not into before but all of a sudden? Like I don't think she lives around here or work around here anymore. Before it ended we were talking bout getting a place and I'm sure she probably stays with him now or has. I don't see how he is better besides being artist. There are things I know she really isn't down with and some of them he has. But I'm sure she thinks is really great which obviously she doesn't see and probably couldn't care about because they are best friends and they get along so perfect with and about everything even when physical intimacy was introduced and involved I sure she thinks that's also perfect too. People say she is only with him cause he provides the material things and takes her to these amazing places because she is really young and he is 14 years older and had a thing for her for years. It's hard to believe in what people say even when they are trying to help in a lot of ways because they don't know situation they say same as what few others agree at.

    Reply
  • Kj

    I already know what their relationship is. I can't do and give her the materiel things she likes that he can like tattoos.

    I'm more concerned on what our supposedly "relationship" was actually Or apprently wasn't. That's the thing I end up analyzing.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      OK. That makes sense. You said she was in a relationship with you for 7 months. Granted it's not a very long time. It is still not considered a short relationship. I don't think she would have stayed with you if you didn't mean anything to her. Even though, she chose not to be with you in the end, it doesn't mean she never wanted to be with you in the first place. You were important to her at some point. And that changed at the end. But that's OK. Perhaps you two were not meant for each other. Perhaps there is someone better out there suited for you. And you will never find her unless you learn to stop obsessing over.

      You might try to convince yourself that the relationship didn't mean anything to her and she was just playing with you. But that's only gong to make it worse. Thinking about your relationship with her in this way is just going to lower your self esteem it's going to hurt your next relationship. There is no way of knowing what was going on in her mind when she was in the relationship with you unless you invent a time machine, get a mad brain scientist, go back in time and get the scientist to analyze her thoughts and behavior. But that's not possible.

      The only way you can analyze your past relationship right now is just by memories and conjecture. And neither one of them can give you an accurate description of what the relationship meant to her. In the end, you have two choices

      1. Take the relationship as it was; i.e; a relationship that ran it's course and ended. You probably meant a lot to her at one point and like many other relationships, that changed and she ended the relationship.

      2. Keep telling yourself the relationship didn't mean anything to her and you were just a plaything for her. Decreasing your self worth and self esteem in the process and putting an unnecessary roadblock for yourself in moving on and finding the right girl for you.

      Reply
    • Kj

      She's postings saying she loves him. I don't get it. From someone you said to my face was like a brother to now saying " I got a good one" with happy faces to " I love you" with hearts a smiles. (referring to him obviously) saying that so quick even if you had a thing for him and he obviously was just over the top feelings for you when you were "friends" she never said that to me that quick

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      Again, you are just concentrating on her. Everything you write is starting with "She". Why not concentrate on yourself. YOU. YOU had a relationship that failed. YOU need to move on. YOU need to realize what will help you move on and what will keep you obsessed over her. YOU need to stop thinking about the past and start thinking of your future.

      Reply
    • Kj

      Is there a way to see if they were only with you because they were only physically attracted to you especially when they are saying the same things they said to you to their new partner.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No, that's my point. There is no way of knowing that.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I have been right so far this whole time so I can see that before she made official choice for herself to end things she had already moved on and past me with simplest of ease even if she said she missed me or thought of me which I don't see a true since she had already started seeing him more and more.

      Also seen that she said she loves him so I see that they think they are soulmates and always have been but take away the material things he does and the notion of you thinking you have same ideology and I don't see much there. I don't see him being 100% better in every way like see she's but like I said she said she loves him so I know that we will never see one another or hear from one another again. It sucks to be painted in negative light by everyone in her life because they only knew one side and that they would tell her to bail he not good enough or he just the same as all the rest. When I know that was not true.

      Reply
  • DD

    Dear Kevin,
    i am a guy. we broke up 3 months ago. I heard about this no contact rule and i did it for one month..but then i did not know what kind of texts to send. I ended up begging for forgiveness again. This time I am going for the next no contact period. Do i need a longer time now? the fact that that i screwed up last time, how is it going to affect this time?

    Reply
  • Kj

    In a honest opinion on how things have gone so far. Like how long things have been over. The things that have happen since things ended like the random text sayin miss me or thinking and the few times she has come to see me since it ended. Even the whole thing with her dating her friend maybe even still. Last time I heard it saw from her was middle of October when she came to my place.

    So after everything in a honest opinion what does it look like really. I know how it looks and how things are but, would or do you see it as being completely over and it has been for some time from her perspective. Like I know the time apart has been long and a lot of things have happen. I have been trying a lot to just focus on myself and not think of her and what's she is doing in her life now or who she is doing things with or has been for how long.

    Reply
    • Kj

      I ended up slipping the other day and found myself looking her up. She still is seeing her friend and looks so much more happier then she was before. She has gotten a lot more tattoos recently and one she posted saying it was from her babe. She also updated her fb with new picture of them. I knew from the start this was never a rebound. It is the one she always wanted to be with and the one that makes her more happier then she ever was.

      Reply
    • Kj

      It just shows that I never meant anything real. Not from the very start. I was just someone she thought was better looking then the last guy that's it. Looks like we never had anything at all nothing serious or real nothing that made her happy or happy she was with me. Just a place holder for the next better thing.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      I don't think that's true. Self-deprecating thoughts are very common and one of the worst ways to deal with a breakup. Isn't it possible that she did have a meaningful relationship with you and after the breakup she just found someone more compatible than you? You are trapping yourself in negativity about the relationship and yourself and I will suggest you seek professional help at this point. A therapist can help a lot if you are unable to let go of obsessive thoughts.

      Reply
    • Kj

      It's the fact that why did she lie multiple times to me let alone to my face about things. It made me look stupid in the end for believing she actually meant things like missing me or thinking of me or wanting so see me when she did. What is there to possibly miss when you have had your best friend as your new boyfriend for some time and you love this guy.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's where you are wrong. She didn't lie to you. She actually missed you and was thinking about you. Because you were important to her and it's hard to get over a relationship especially if you are in a rebound.

      Reply
    • kj

      After reading a lot of different things last couple months I have started to think that I was just a rebound from the start because she would always say stuff about how she is really attracted to me but nothing else. not that I can remember her saying any other reasons why she with me or why she is happy. So it makes me think that she didn't really have any interest anyway just bidden her time for him.

      There are a lot of articles written out there about positives of "rebounds" how they are actually proven to be better for you and that they are not rebounds they are just new better relationships. Also there are a lot of articles written about how your best friend is the perfect one for you and the popularity of girls ending up dating their best friends and it being the best thing they ever had, also things on how they are the perfect ones for you all this time but you only recognize it after so many years.

      Reply
    • Kj

      Even if it was a "rebound" it's been going on since she ended it and still going on. So clearly it is not a rebound not was it ever. Also think she had the interest of them before she even ended

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Everything you are saying might be true (and might not). What is your next move? Our aim here is to help you become a happier and more confident person. You are supposed to learn to live a happy life with or without your ex. How is over-analyzing her relationship going to help you? How are you planning to get out of this state of mind leave her behind? If you can't seem to do it by yourself, you should seek professional help.

      Reply
  • Robert

    Hi Kevin, I need help figuring out if my ex is in a rebound relationship and what I should do next. My ex girlfriend and I have been separated for just over 5 months. Recently we started talking again and have hung out like 4 times. I thought things were starting to turn. The day before Thanksgiving. We went out to watch a movie and while waiting for the movie to start I told her of what I thought was a funny story of my nieces asking for her. She got emotional about it and started to cry. I apologized. After the movie we went to get dinner and she started to cry again. She said that it was too hard for her. I told her it wasn't easy for me either. She said that she lost of her family, meaning my family. We later talked in the car where she told me that she was seeing someone but is torn between me and this other guy because I'm a great guy. She also said that she doesn't feel anything for me but then contradicted herself by saying that she has been afraid to do anything with this guy because she still cares for me a lot and has a lot respect for me. Also by saying that one of the times we hung out she just wanted to kiss me. She also kept saying that I'm such a good guy and that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, which I don't know what that means because that's what she's doing. I told her that I guess I'm kind of waiting for her which made her cry. At one point she said that this guy is kind of a looser but he makes her happy and wants to give him a chance. Which is also contradictory because one of the issues with me was I "didn't know what I wanted in life." She said that it's not a rebound relationship that it's away of wanting to move on even though she says she's an emotional mess and considers herself "damaged goods" and no one would want to date her. Furthermore, she said that December 7th was going to be hard not to talk to me because it would have been our anniversary. Towards the end of the conversation there was a lot of touching. She rubbed my arm, held my hand and she even put my hand on her face. Not sure what it meant. Towards the end she said something like we have unfinished business and that we even have like imaginary kids, I agreed. The conversation wasn't an argument we talked calmly and towards the end we even laughed a little. I recently noticed she added this guy on Facebook and also saw that he is at least 5 years older than her which is also very unusual. I don't know how long she has been seeing him but I know that she has been looking for dates soon after we broke up. She had referenced a "friend" that lives in the same place as him so maybe she has been hiding him. I believe that it is a rebound relationship or at least I'm hoping it is. What do you think? And what should I do next? I've done no contact with her in the past. I've had a couple of casual text conversations with her since so she's not ignoring me. Although I have been biting my tongue on many things I want to tell her but I'm afraid of saying them because they may work against me. I'm really starting to loose hope. Also would contacting her in any way on what would have been our anniversary be wrong?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Robert,

      I think you should just stay calm and let her make her decision. Just don't act needy and stay strong. If you show any weakness or neediness, it's going to work against you. If you have finished no contact already, then there's no harm in contacting her on the anniversary.

      Reply
    • Robert

      Thank you Kevin. I would want to say something to her on the day of the anniversary but I'm not sure what. Any advice on what I should or shouldn't say? I'll be honest Kevin I don't have many people to talk to about this issue so I appreciate the advice.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Robert,

      I recommend that you don't initiate contact and let her do it. If you feel like you must absolutely talk to her, then you can use one of the texts from the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Kj

    Just meant it in a general sense because the article says 2-3 months then it's probably not rebound. Plus all the the signs that your ex is suppose to show to determine if they are or not in rebound. Like I don't see any of the signs just the ignoring and already moved on signs. I have heard she has been getting a lot of tattoos from him recently. And they pertain to him. There are a bunch of articles out there on how to be more then just friends with a girl you have always had feelings for or how to be physical intimate with your friend. Kind of makes you think those are more relatable to them then anything else.

    Reply
    • Kj

      I have a question. Not saying this will happen not even by a long shot or anything. But say you end up being right about her being in a rebound relationship with her friend. If it is then if it doesn't work out won't it just mean they will still be the same way they are now but just say they are not together. Wouldn't they still be the same way like hanging out all time having great time together and other things. And if she did end up being single what reason would she even contact me not saying to get together or anything like that but just in general.

      Why would she want to after all this time I'm sure that she would have gotten completely over me by now or if not she hasn't way before. Being closer to her friend then she usual was and if it didn't work why would she even think of me. Let alone feel anything. Or say for some strange reason she actually does contact me sometime here and wants to talk or hangout and say some small chance in heck that we do this on regular basis we just talk more and what stops her from constantly thinking of him as more of a friend.

      Like if we ever did get together ( not saying that there is any chance of that or it will happen in future) but wouldn't she be thinking of him when she would be around me. Wouldn't she be missing him a lot and the way they were together as more then friends. Or wouldn't she be comparing what they had when more then friends and what we had. ( again not saying that there is any chance in heck that we will ever be anything ever again nor let alone if she ever will talk to me.) I already assume she has been completely over me for long time. I'm tying to work on things but this came up and it has been in my mind.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I can't say if she will decide to be friends with him if they broke up. But it's possible. It doesn't necessarily mean she will still has feelings for him. Everything you are asking is based on the assumption that they have a great relationship together. And as I said earlier, social media is not an accurate reflection of relationship. There's a good chance she is not as happy with him as you are thinking in your mind.

      But take a step back for a second and look at how much obsessed you are becoming. Your mind is trying to find something to be obsessed about. If she gets back together with you and she is thinking about that guy, you can deal with it at that time. You can talk to her about it or maybe even leave her. Thinking about these ludicrous situations is not going to help you in anyway right now. The only thing it'll do is keep you in this obsessed state of mind.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I just have been reading a lot of different things lately books and articles and was just wondering how people are getting with their exs after long periods of time. Like how it happens after long periods of no association or someone being in a relationship. I'm not focusing or trying to find ways to get her back right now. I already know once it's over its over.

      It's just how to go about getting one back after 6 months or more and they been in or still in relationship. Like it cants just be you run into that person down the road and start talking and having good time again and be like we should try again and it works. That's all I was wondering. If the ex is or has been in relationship since it ended why would the want to get back with their ex let alone associate with them after all that time.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I already know when she gives you an opportunity and you make her feel like she wasted her time it's over and there isn't going to be another chance. Especially when you have a long time apart and she is already completely past and over you

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      A lot of times, the reason people break up is fixed and things change during the period they are far apart. And when they get in touch with each other, they realize that there is a good chance their relationship might work better this time, and they give it another go.

      Reply
    • Kj

      Isn't that more of a general stipulation or stereotype for people who been in a more serious significant amount of time together. That being with someone for like a year or so is when they have better chance of working things out in "long time apart". Compared to people who have not been together that long. I can't see 7 months as being significant time or the other person think that either. That and when you have been apart for almost as long as you were together don't that kill any chance of that " running into them and realizing things could work" type deal.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, the time spent together with your ex matters. And yes, 7 months is not a long time. But it's still significant if you two had a good connection.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I don't think she had feels that she did. After all this time I think she has realized that she didn't feel that great of connection like she might of thought. That's why I think she moved on and over as quick as she has already and to the next guy she feels she has better connection with. I thought we did have good connection she seemed happy but not really sure now but that don't really mean anything anymore at this point.

      Reply
  • Kj

    My former ex who is just married recently told me that she been thinking of me and misses me. we talked and she said that I was someone special and meant something and that I still mean something to her.

    So is this a clear sign that I was never really anything to my current ex? since she has never said anything like that. About the only thing she has said in past is she misses me but never that I meant something or still do or was important. Nothing to that nature.

    Also confused why I'm getting told that I was important and I am misses more by a older ex then current one. Does this mean that my current ex just easily cut me out of her life to just easily and quickly with no hesitation replace me with her new boyfriend her friend?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No it just means she is in a rebound and didn't really have time to process her emotions.

      Reply
    • Kj

      How would one know that though. If it's a 2-3 month thing then it's not really a rebound it's just a relationship. How is it technically considered a rebound if they never really said that you meant something.
      Specially if they found someone they mash up with better and everything in general about that person is better. (getting along, common interests, physical intimacy, overall feeling for and toward that person, deeper connection, etc) kind of makes it hard to call it or see as a "rebound"

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can't know for sure. I'll again revert you back to this comment and this comment.

      Reply
    • Jallie

      Hi kevin,

      Good day.
      Just want to share my situation and ask some advice..
      I am in a lesbian relationship for almost 2yrs..we are good together..we are working with the same company.the same time we have a business...we fought sometimes as normal with lovers...but one day there is this one guy who likes her.she ask me if she can allowed this guy to court her..ofcourse i disagree..but one time she go out with him..just one time..then the next day she wanted a closure with me..Telling me that she already like d guy...that she wanted a family.. My question is do i have a chance to win her back?we are still together but she is giving that guy a chance..i dont want to be rude to her..i respected her decision..what should I do?I dont want to lose her..she also told me that she loves me and dont want to lose me too but she wanted to have a normal life with a guy..since there is this guy who is interested with her.What should I do since there s no way for us to be apart beacause of our work and our business.it hurt me much everytime she s talking with that guy.Is still way to change her decision?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Unfortunately, you should be mentally prepared for the worst because you have to figure out what your partner values more: Love or a future with the guy and having a normal family. If it's the latter, you might have to walk away because there isn't much you would be able to do to change her mind. She would only end up resentful if you tried to stop her from pursuing what she wanted.

      Reply
    • Jallie

      Hi kevin

      She told me that she dont want to lose me.that she want me to stay as friend.i told her no.but she cried hard.and told me that i have to do it slowly.she still in doubt of her feelings.her statements are inconsistent.Can i consider that guy a rebound since we have some issues before that happen.maybe because we are together all the time that we both lost attraction.
      Lately i slowly detaching myself from her.and treat her casually.but she became clingy...she keep on telling me that if they dont work she will look after me anywhere i am(since we are working abroad).and by that time she is pretty sure that she dont need a man.what should I do?i am trying to move on but her actions telling me that i have to stay.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's clear that she definitely still has feelings for you. However, if she's always going to value having a family more, this problem would come up again in the future even if you guys get back together. Also, her actions show that she wants the easy way out, by having you around to ease her out emotionally so that she can be with the other guy once she has moved on, so that she doesn't have to deal with the grief of losing you immediately.

      Reply
    • Jallie

      Hi kevin

      Yesterday she told me that she made the biggest mistake of her life..that she already answered the questions in her..she already knows what she really want..but for now she cant go out from her situation..what should i do?she did told me before that if ever she will come back with me that time she will be 100% sure what she really want..she keep telling me that shes not happy.shes just pretending to be happy but deep inside she regret everything..

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If that is the case, then you could continue to be there for her, and support her emotionally, continue to do so since it would make the decision easier and easier, as her feelings towards you grow.

      Reply
    • Hranzel

      It seems very similar with my story,we have been together for 3 yrs but she dumped me, she met a guy while we r still in the relationship and told me that she would like to spend the rest of her life with him that i should go on and find someone else, and im still young im 30 shes 48 and have a family however she still wanted us to became friends and be close to each other i told her i cant,she insisted, since i love her too much i allowed that we kissed and hugged each other, but she told theres no meaning into it,we hugged while sleeping, for 4 days i tried to tell her i want us back, i even become more needy or desperate.until i realized that im just fooling myself,that i dont want to force her anymore, so i decided to walked away,i made no contact rules,its been 8 days now,she did message me on fb asking where is her things,toDay she sent me gif for valentines i have seen it but didnt reply to her however mistakenly i have put thumbs down as reaction then she blocks me in all social media she has.occassionally i can see her we worked in the same institution and been living next door.i occassionally bumped into her,but i didnt mind her since i have been in NC rule.i am in process of moving on and trying to feel good about myself,been composing myself for a little while,how to become more lovely, do you think i have made a right decision in no contact rule? Im still hoping shell take me back and would miss me terribly? I still love her with all my heart.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would seem like because you're much younger, although she has feelings for you, she does not see a future in the relationship. This could be no fault of yours, but rather a mentality issue on her part, being much older - is unable to see you on equal footing but someone younger than her. Applying no contact may be a good idea to test the situation out on both your part and hers - basically to see if she would miss you and whether you see things from a different perspective after NC. Also, it would allow you some distance from the relationship to work on yourself, and if becoming more 'mature' for her eyes is what is needed to win her back, then you'll have to work on growth during this period and prove to her that you're capable of settling down with her too.

      Reply
  • Kj

    I don't have any regrets from my former ex who is married now. It showed me the difference between being happy physical with someone and not really caring compared to actually caring for someone like my current ex who I would of done anything for.

    I'm sure that is what my current ex is realizing her self. That with me she was not really happy and not care really compared to her being with her friend of her new man now who she would do anything for because she is truly happy with him and cares a lot about him.

    Reply
  • Kj

    You also say the time that they have been together also play a factor. I don't know how long but I know at least it has been 2 months maybe three that they been more then friends. Plus you say how long she waited like if she did appropriate time length. I'm sure it was only about couple months maybe before their friendship went more then that. That it went to something serious physically and general relationship wise. When she was here last time a month ago right about now she said she still had the letter I wrote her at the beginning of when things were bout to end. She said she still had it in her car I asked like you mean unopened she said no she read it when I gave it to her.

    Reply
    • Kj

      I read this article that said rebound relationships are actually good for you. It leads to better person to be with like a close friend that consuls you and that has had feelings for you for long time. It shows you that someone close to you can show you love and joy and the feeling of happiness that you might of had with in a relationship. Also that it is the easiest and quickest way to get over someone that you use to be in a relationship with because you are spending so much time with that new person like close good friend that it takes your mind off your ex and makes you realize that someone else has always had feelings for you and you might have always had feelings for them but never acted on them until now that this was the chance to act on those pent up feelings plus is shows her how incompatible she was with you . Someone close who you already know and you are already happy being around them before you started a relation ship with them. It also say usually a good amount of these are started with a best friend and lead to both feeling real love for each other. It fills loneliness with actual joy and happiness and not just a cover up.

      She has usually been happy when she is around him before their step up in relationship term from friends to actually being more then that. The article also said how common it was for close friends to feel more then just simple friendship for one another. It's common for them to feel something like love for each other and true happiness because they have so much in common and they already know all secrets and all other things about one another. I was always this was more then just a friendship from first time hearing about him. So was this inevitable. Also says if your thinking of our ex at anytime its not important that you should not do it just learn to move on cause it's not worth it to think or feel like you want them. Was this meant to happen. Was I just nothing more then a stepping stone the last one. Was I just a place holder till she realized who she always wanted. Were they meant to be together now.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      In my experience, rebounds usually end and are not meant to last. But let's just assume you are right. Don't you think that you should be concentrating on what will make you happy? Read my last comment again.

      Reply
    • Kj

      But what about the time frame. The amount of time we were together and the time she has been seeing in their new relationship.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I see what your saying on stop with the having hope and stop thinking of her. Move on just like she has since she end it. I am just afraid that it will turn out just like me former ex before my current one I am talking about. My former ex thought it was over when no one officially said so she was with a guy for 2 months. I found out things were done. And after I started to see my current ex my old one was always saying she missed me and was sorry and other things. Even months down the road she would hit me randomly saying she misses me a lot and thinks of me a lot and misses us and what we had. She would even come to my work just to see me for couple minutes. About maybe 3 or 4 months ago she text me randomly saying she misses what we had but I found out a month ago that she is engaged and now she is married and I never knew about it only cause I saw her facebook saying she was engaged and now it says married.

      So that's why it makes me worried that this is the same thing happening with my current ex. She saying she misses me and thinks of me at random times just like my former ex and I don't want to see that all this time she is having best relationship ever with her best friend and find out they are engaged then married. I don't want the same thing to happen again. The big difference is that I actually cared about my current ex more then I have for anyone I told her I actually felt love for her not lust like others.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      OK there are two things that can happen in the future. Either your ex will move on and be in a happy relationship with her current boyfriend. Or she will break up with him and realize she still has feelings for you. What I am trying to say is that no matter what happens, your course of action RIGHT NOW should be the same, i.e., try to stop obsessing over her and learn to be happy without her.

      I am not saying that you should start a serious relationship with someone else. I am just saying that you should start learning to live without her in your life and start exploring the possibility of finding someone else. Do so for a couple of months. If she doesn't contact you and you still want her after a couple of months, you can try giving her a call and see how she responds. If she is still cold, you know you gave it a try and you can move on without any regrets.

      Reply
  • Kj

    I have read this article a lot trying to find something that was related to what was going on but I statred to see no connections. The example you gave of Jane and Gary I thought might be what is going on but I'm sure that's not the case. She is so infatuated by everything about him and they have been close friends for years. I'm sure she is in love with him besides the fact that's how it looks.

    When she came over I remember her saying that he would yell cause he was stressed and he called her psysopath. Also said is was easier when they were just homies but yet here she is just amazed and happy with him. I tried talking to my sister about this she said I was just being used because she would say she misses me but never say why and it always happen out of blue maybe once a month and then back to nothing.

    Reply
    • Kj

      They are the same person. They know each other in and out and I'm also pretty sure they have been physical with each other for sometime. She really does seem to enjoy every moment being around him and what they do. Like I said they are the same exact person with everything. Their personality and a lot of other things that I'm sure are being reinforced with him so it makes her realize how he was there for her all these years.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      What evidence you have that she is happy?

      Reply
    • Kj

      She has not spoken to me since she ended it about 5 months ago maybe 4 times she has talked to me. She has said In past she misses me or thinks or me but never has said why or what about.
      Her new boyfriend is one of her close best friends who has had feelings for her for long time more then just friends. They are exactly the same person personality wise, spiritually, ideology, and belief wise. They are into the same things and they are always together mostly at his place I would assume just like she was with me.

      They both know everthing about each other already so I'm sure that only has left the physical aspect to fill in. If they already connect on deep level then I'm sure she feels the sexual physical part is complete too.

      From what I've seen on her social media she post how amazing he is and the cool amazing things he does for her. And there is always the hearts and happy face stuff attracted to pictures of them together and she post other reference that deal with them and the things they do and he also has the same on his social media pictures of them together smiling happy saying she is love of his life and other things.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Social media is not an accurate description of how people actually feel. So you can discard that. As for them being the same person, like I said before, it doesn't necessarily mean their relationship is perfect and doesn't have any issues. If they were, he wouldn't scream at her and call her a psychopath. More importantly, she went into the relationship too fast and never really got the time to get over you.

      Analyzing her relationship and her level of happiness isn't really going to get you any results. I can tell you from my experience that she is not as happy in the relationship as you think she is and she does miss you and probably still has a place in her heart for you. But what does it do for you? Your mind is still going to continue thinking about it and probably stuck in the negative spiral. So let's just assume that you are right and she is happy. How does it affect you? What it has to do with your life? She broke up with you. And if she's found a way to be happy (I am not saying she is), then it's her right. Shouldn't you do the same? What's stopping you from improving in your life. Do you think if you understand her behavior and what's going on in her mind, you will suddenly start feeling better? If so, then you must know there's no way you can know for sure if her relationship is really perfect or it has some major flaws. There's no way you can know for sure if she still has feelings for you or she has completely forgotten about you. I can make an educated guess from my experience, but it is still a guess. And a part of your mind will not believe me and keep you stuck in your negative state of mind. The only thing that I can guarantee you is that you did mean a great deal to her. Even though your mind wants you to believe you didn't, I know you did.

      I know this because you two were in a serious relationship for significant amount of time. And humans build attachment to someone they are with for some time. This is the reason she missed you. This is the reason you miss her. Missing someone is a huge part of the grief one goes through after a breakup. It doesn't matter who broke up with whom. It doesn't matter if you want to get back together or not. You will miss your ex as you go through the grief process. The only difference is that different people deal with this grief differently. Some are able to cope with it easily. While others are not able to get out of the grief and their minds become obsessed with their ex. Your ex has found a way to deal with the grief. Her rebound relationship. Now, there's a good chance her relationship will end in the future. There's also a very small chance that it'll end. But all that is not going to help you with your current state of mind. You need to find a way to deal with your own grief and I don't think obsessing over her relationship and her happiness is a good way to do so.

      Like I said before, you should remove her from all your social media. If necessary, block her. Right now, your mental well being should be your top priority. Not getting her back. Start no contact and even if she contacts you, don't answer her. Do the things mentioned in step 2 and 3 of the 5 step plan. If you feel the need, get more help on getting over a breakup (google, books, therapist). Soon, things will start to get better and you will be able to think more clearly about this whole situation.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I don't think there is going to be anymore contact I'm sure that the last time she spoke to me will probably be it anyway and also I'm sure they will end up being together for long time and not have this as a rebound or something that will end in future. I saw her once before she came by since I knew they were talking more and being around each other more and when I passed her by she looked much happier anyway. I also feel like when she came over she only did it because she was that bored or something that she only came over to kill 20-30 minutes before leaving to her house. ( or I'm sure his)

      In one article you say time place a big role people who were together six months or under don't fare well compared to people with a year or more. We were together for maybe 7. Like I said when she was here last she said how crazy it would be that our one year would of been in beginning of November. But she ended it about five months ago.

      It seems harder now cause we didn't just text for a day she called from the blue asking to come over and she seemed kind of happy to see me. It just made me miss her all over again recently that's why I do the stupid things like look on her websites but of course it only makes things worse seeing them together and seeing comments like he's amazing and hearts around his name and other types of post that relate to him.

      Plus he did something amazing for her birthday recently and now he has another shot at showing her how amazing he is with the upcoming holidays. I have the strongest feeling that this is the one guy for her the one she been looking for and wanting for very long time and it happens to already be someone important and special in her life and who been there long time already. She said when he was stressed she would get stressed and then he would get mad cause she didn't express what was wrong with her that's when she said he yelled at her. But yet here she is all smiles and hearts and all these other pictures and stuff with the both of them and just of him.

      Reply
  • Chris

    Here's a question about whether or not my ex is trying to rub it in my face: I haven't actually heard from him, but as far as the whole social media aspect goes, he hasn't said anything about this new girl until he posted a concert picture and tagged her in it. It seems innocent enough until you look at her social media. She was the one to post a picture of them hold hands and tagged him in it, and I'm pretty sure SHE was the one who updated their fb status to "in a relationship" and he just accepted and "liked" it. All of their friends are pretty much throwing a parade for them online, and it's killing me. Like I said, this girl seems to have a track record for going in too deep and too fast which is why guys come and go when it comes to her, do you think this means it's likely to end quick?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes it will probably end soon.

      Reply
    • Chris

      Ok I won't talk to him for a bit. But, I'm somewhat holding to his word about us hanging out to watch the finale of our favorite show together, and won't be for another few weeks. Should I approach him around that time and ask him if he's still down? Also, his gf is straight up attacking me online while trying to be passive about it. Do you think her feeling threatened will help destroy their relationship?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I won't recommend asking him just yet. If he asks you, you are free to accept. But you shouldn't be the one asking him since has asked for some time. And yes, it will probably help destroy their relationship.

      Reply
    • Chris

      The latest I was gonna wait to ask him if he still wanted to hang out was the day our show comes on, and until then just bide my time. I've been ignoring all his gf's remarks online and acting like I don't even notice them, but I think she's trying to up the odds by posting all this lovey crap about him knowing I'll see it, though he has yet to say anything about the relationship specifically. Despite that, it's still killing me.

      Reply
  • Chris

    Can you contact your ex after the 30 day NC even if they're still in that rebound relationship? Or is it best to leave it alone and swoop in later on the chance things fall apart?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's OK to contact them. Just don't make it obvious you want to get back together.

      Reply
    • Chris

      I feel like any type of texting will be ignored, or seen as me trying to get him back. I was originally going to show up at his house and clear the air claiming I just want to be "friends" just to get my foot in the door and work my way in from there. Do you think that's too creepy even after the 30 days? I was going to go as far as say I was just in the area and just wanted to set things straight. Us acting like strangers toward each other is killing me.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's not a good idea to show up at his house. It is borderline creepy. A text is simple and effective. If you follow the 5 step plan, it probably won't be ignored. Even if he ignores it, it's probably because he needs more space and time and you should give it to him instead of forcing the friendship on him.

      Reply
    • Chris

      Hey Kevin,
      So I ended up showing up at his house...to what ended up being a better outcome than expected. I showed up telling him I'm not trying to "pull a Beth" (his other crazy ex who we battled together and had fun doing so even though she borderline stalked him) and that I genuinely just wanted to be friends with him. The basis of the conversation went like this (sorry it's going to be a bit of a read):
      Me: I'm not here to pull a Beth, just so you know..
      Him: That's good.
      Me: Also, I'm not trying to get in the way of anything you're trying to do (implying his new gf), I support you 100% and just want you to be happy. Remember when you said there isn't going to be a friendship like we had? Did you mean that?
      Him: Well, we had a connection and I don't think it could be replicated.
      Me: Well, why don't we try that? I miss just texting you funny pics and you sending me funny videos (he giggled), and when we broke up a month ago, I was thinking about things, and I wasn't upset about losing the relationship, I just didn't want the friendship to end. And that's all I want from you. I know we can't be besties right away, but I at least want to build up to that again.
      Him: Okay. Well, it's going to take some time.
      (We then proceeded to talk about our favorite tv show, about work, family, etc. I also told him I didn't want his gf to think I was trying to pull anything because I'm not *wink wink* and that I wasn't judging him for anything, and wasn't mad at him for just being honest with me about ending the relationship. I also got him agree to watch the season finale of our show together in a few weeks, hoping I can gain more ground before then)
      Me: Well, again. I just want you to be happy.
      Him: I am happy.
      Me: Well that's good :) (Even though it killed me he said that)
      Him: Well, I'm getting cold. I'm gonna head inside.
      Me: Alright cool.
      Him: I'll talk to you soon, okay? I just need more time.
      Me: That's fine.

      That's basically the gist of it. I know I could've said more or less at some points, but initially I was hoping by appearing non-threatening to his current relationship, it would be easier for me to work my way in. Also, I don't plan on talking to him the rest of the week. BUT, his gf just unfriended me on fb and called me crazy on twitter, so I'm wondering if he made me out to be crazy even though our conversation went relatively well, or if she's just mad I went up to see him...or both. I'm feeling both anxious yet exhilarated.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's good that you were able to be calm and not be needy in front of him. And I don't think you should talk to him for at least 2-3 weeks after this. He said he needs time, so you should give it to him. And one week is not enough time. Also, understand that even though your behavior wasn't needy, the act of going to his house just so you don't lose him was somewhat needy.

      Reply
  • Jill

    How likely do you think the rebound of your ex and another will last if it started all within a week of them talking to each other? And three weeks after your and your ex's breakup? Also, I know for a fact the other girl was also just lonely getting out of a "relationship" where she was way more into the guy than he was into her. She was actively looking for dates online after being rejected by the other guy. That seems to be her track record.

    Reply
  • Kj

    I did reply everytime she contacted me besides when she showed up to my work.

    I do apologize for taking up and wasting your time lately. I see things for how they are and what they are now. We are nothing and we will be nothing.

    Reply
    • Kj

      Hello. I know I'm trying to move on because I know she never wanted anything from me. All the times she said she misses me or thinking of me a lot I know we're not true because she has been with her best friend turned boyfriend for sometime.

      I seem to not be making any progress as much as I am trying to not think of her or anything related. But I see things on how she loves him so much how they are perfect for each other and how she loves the things he does like took her to Vegas for her birthday. She post all these love heart things about him. She is so income with him already and I know he is with her since he just been waiting for this to happen for years and now he has it.

      I feel like I'm regressing. Things are getting worse then before I at one point I was able to not think of her as much but since last I saw her is when she asked to come over and since then she has just been so much more happy with him then she ever was with me. Like I said everything they do and he does for her and how she thinks of him are perfect and she loves him. I see she never loved me I was never going to be as good as him.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      You are wrong. She probably did love you and she still probably misses you sometimes. You must stay away from her social media. I will recommend you unfriend her and stay complete no contact for a while. Start doing things to make yourself feel better. Make some positive changes in your life. You have to make an effort to go out there and make yourself happier.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I'm just keep thinking of why. Like why did she tell me those things when she never had intentions of working out things. And I know he had just been waiting to be with her for sometime. The whole thing with her calling and asking to come over doesn't make sense to me either and I end up replaying that in my head even when I don't think about it. Like she came over for what reason.

      Plus the fact that he seems perfect for her that she is so much more happier then she has been for long time. I can't get over it cause she said he was like a brother but but he is not. Was this meant to happen was I just the last person she wasted time on before realizing she loves her friend more then a just a friend as someone she could have life with.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      Like I explain in the article, her relationship is probably a rebound and she isn't as happy with her life as she seems to be in social media, which is why I recommend you stay away from her online profiles.

      She came to see you because she was still confused and still had feelings about you. You have to stop thinking about how perfect they are for each other. You don't know that. Good friends don't necessarily make good couples. Your mind is stuck in a negative spiral and you need to get out of it. You did mean a lot to her. That's why she came to see you. Whatever her reasons for not being with you right now is her business and not yours. The only thing that should matter to you right now is to get out of this negative spiral you are stuck in and try to enjoy your life.

      Reply
  • maiverson

    Kevin,
    I stopped no contact at 30+ days using the magic letter, she texted me and told me that a lot has happened. She got herself a boyfriend but they're not official yet, she told me about him the day that we were breaking up that she has been talking to him for almost 3days already. So IDK, if its a rebound relationship. I feel at lost. I feel like everything crashed down again but not as bad as when she broke up with me. I just don't know what to do. What should I do?

    Reply
  • anu

    kevin,

    missing him a lot..

    wherever i go i sit what ever i see he is in my mind what happened to him? is he alone? is he fine? feel so hurt i feel like to see him.

    praying for him..............

    Reply
  • Kj

    I am just trying to figure out it it is worth to keep trying if after couple weeks of NC and I don't get any response from her just to do another couple weeks of NC for the same effect of no association at all.

    Really lost here especially after getting that phone call and actually seeing her. I think she saw me and feels that I'm the same person or she regretted even calling and seeing me. Don't know what to really do about any of this.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should decide at that moment. If your decision is based on what are your chances if she doesn't reply, then I'll say you still have a chance and you should try again after a couple of weeks (preferably a month). If she doesn't reply even at that time, then your chances are slim and I'll recommend you try to move on.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. Like what do I say that will actually turn into a simple conversation without her saying two things and that's it. and how is that suppose to rebuild attraction.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can talk about the new things you have been doing during no contact. About the exciting new changes you've made in your life. For that you have to make some positive changes in your life during no contact.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I have tried positive things. I have tried just to be short and friendly but all I get is she reads my text then never replys just ignoring it or replys once hours later and that's it.

      You said 2 or 3 months after that stop. She ended it about that long ago maybe 4 months. But since then she has randomly hit me up out of nowhere between ending it and now. They would be random texts weeks or months later and once she came by my work and recently the call asking to come by. But ever time I try to converse I get nothing only when she hits me up. I did the whole NC thing awhile ago when it first happen so I could leave her be happy with whoever and doing whatever.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      Do you always reply when she contacts you? If so, then stop doing it. IF she has been consistently cold, then I'll recommend you do no contact for another 2-3 months. In fact, try to move on completely during these 2-3 months. If after that, you still want to give it one last try, contact her. If she is still cold, then I'll suggest you give up hope and move on.

      Reply
  • anu

    Kevin,

    He will not come at all in my life again?

    He wont even think of me for a second?

    He wanted other girl happiness but, not my happiness.

    here the person who asked you to delete my comments..............

    thank you so much for suggestions but still feel for him.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey anu,

      I can't say for sure if he'll come back. But I don't think you should try anymore. Even if he does come back, he might hurt you again. He doesn't care about your happiness. But you will find someone who will care about your happiness. And for that you'll have to let him go. Until you let him go from your heart, you will never make the space for the right person. Someone who will care about you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

      Reply
    • anu

      kevin,

      missing him a lot..

      wherever i go i sit what ever i see he is in my mind i could see him everywhere missing his smile question start questioning myself what happened to him? is he alone? is he fine? feel so hurt i feel like to see him.
      pray for me

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's OK anu. You will feel better with time.

      Reply
    • anu

      thanks for your help kevin

      i'm trying to come out of everything.

      hope so i will recover soon

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      All the best Anu.

      Reply
    • anu

      let him be happy with whomever he want.

      one day he will think of me

      Reply
  • Kj

    You say to do another couple weeks of NC and try to text her again. What if after couple weeks she still does not have any association with me. No calls or any messages then what. Do I just NC permanently and leave alone for good and let her do her own life?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      IF she doesn't respond (which is unlikely in your case), then it's your decision whether to pursue her more or move on. If you want to pursue her more, do NC for another 2 weeks and try again. If you want to move on, do NC permanently.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I don't quiet understand when you say if she don't respond which is unlikely in my case. Not sure what my case is.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I meant considering everything you have said till now about what happened, in my opinion and experience, I think she will reply when you contact her.

      Reply
    • Kj

      When would you know when it's time to give it up and stop trying to reach out anymore.

      I mean to do NC for certain amount of time then try to attempt to associate with her but for nothing. Either just being ignored or whatever so you do NC for another time period. When do you see it as it is and realize you have to just give it up.

      I was wondering if there is a time limit or something to all this I know your suppose to strike before the move on but if you can't even associate even the smallest simply conversation. That mean she is on to the next right even with the random they saying they miss you and what not.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's a time limit you have to set for yourself. The truth is, you can never know 100% if your ex has truly moved on or you still have a shot with them. The best you can do is give it a try. I usually recommend people to give themselves a time limit, in most cases, 2-3 months, if things don't work out by then, you should just move on. How much time limit you give to yourself is completely up to you. But I don't recommend more than 6 months.

      Reply
  • Kj

    That is what I plan on doing and I hope your right about the missing me part. I do know she has got some things going on but I have the feeling that maybe I should just leave her alone because she will not want to try again.

    Especially after she calls me out of blue and ask to come over and then does not talk to me two days after. I would hope it's not because she is trying to work things out with her friend. But thanks I will let her just do her and have to see what happens.

    Reply
    • Kj

      Her birthday is next week but I don't think I should say anything anyway but do you think it would make her mad or upset if I didn't say anything.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can send a short happy birthday text.

      Reply
    • Kj

      What do you think the chances are that she will actually realize that she was happy together and will think about that. Or is it more likely she will just remain being same sad and confused

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think she is already realizing that. That's probably what's making her confused.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Sorry you are hurting. But like I said before, you need to learn from your mistake and stop putting yourself in a position where he can hurt you again.

      Reply
  • Kevin
    Kevin

    Hey Shannu,

    I am sorry you feel hurt. Some people are not worth it. The pain will go away with time. All you can do is learn from your mistakes you made and carry on with your life. There is no point in meeting him or trying to get an answer out of him. The best thing for you to do is no contact, at least for 2-3 months. Learn to live without him and be happy without him.

    Reply
  • Kj

    I got a call from my ex the other night at like 10 she asked if I was doing anything and if she could come over.

    I said if that what she wanted then ok. When she came over we just talked and joked kind of. I did ask her about the guy she was seeing the one who is her friend. I told her I'm glad to see her but I don't want her to be here just because she had a fight or argument with him she said that was not the case and they are not seeing each other. I am concerned that she came over for a reason besides thinking of working things out.

    She did say she has been thinking of me. When she left I told her I missed her laugh and she said she missed me. So don't know what is going on really.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      She misses you. I don't know if you completed no contact, but if you did, you should stay in touch with her and try to rebuild the attraction slowly. If you have not completed no contact, do so before having another interaction with her.

      Reply
    • Kj

      I have not talked to her for awhile I had gotten rid of her number about the time she saw me before she left for vacation in begining of August. I had run into her once before but I have not been trying to talk to her let her be happy with who she wants and doing what se wants.

      It only worrys me because when she called she said she been thinking bout me a lot but never really said why or what. She left saying we would continue it tommorw but did not hear from her.

      So do I just not try at all to talk to her until she feels that she has something to say to me or what. I'm not sure why she wanted to come by then?

      Reply
    • Kj

      Sorry forgot that she had mentioned that it's crazy how next month would have been a year since we started. (If we were still together obviously)

      She also said something like I am the same ? Don't know what she means she hasn't been around for long time so how would she know that I'm the same when I'm not?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kj,

      She is confused about what she wants. She misses you, that's for sure. There is no point in trying to figure out what's going on in her head. The only thing you can understand and control is your actions.

      I'd recommend you do no contact for a couple of weeks and then text her again. If she texts you during these two weeks, you can reply to her but keep it short.

      Reply
  • Kj

    Ex gf is dating one of her close male best friends.

    How does this end? She is really happy with him. I take it it means she has found her guy she been looking for since they been talking and or actually seeing each other for probably couple months I could assume.

    Reply
    • Kj

      Just saw her at gym she walk right past me didn't even hesitate to look at me. I was right next to her. So obviously this means she is 100% over me already and very happy in new relationship with her close friend right?

      How is it a rebound when your dating close friend you both alrwdy know everything and get along great. Your happy with each other so all is left is the sex am I wrong?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No, it doesn't mean she is 100% over you. It just means she is trying to avoid you for some reason, or perhaps she was expecting you to talk to her so she can reject you (and feel better about herself). Follow the plan Kj. Contact her after no contact period is over and until then just keep concentrating on yourself.

      Reply
    • Kj

      She texted me the other day a picture of something that made her think of me. I was surprised why she did. I said I know your with him (her friend that she is now dating) and you seem happy I'm not going to make problems for you.

      She said at one point that when she happen to run into me earlier in month she wanted to say she misses me but I ignored her and that she thought I hated her so that why she ignored me at gym. I don't understand why she would miss me if you are happy with your friend. ?

      Reply
    • Kj

      I'm also lost on if your dating a close friend someone who knows all about you and she knows about him. Wouldn't the only thing left to be is intimacy.

      If they have that then wouldn't that mean things are complete between them. They have all the connections they need. If I could get some answers in both these fronts?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      The reason it's a rebound is because she is not completely over for you. She still has feelings for you even if the close friend might seem perfect for her, it's probably not going to work out. Rebound relationship don't work out because the person in a rebound is not emotionally available to start a healthy relationship. It usually doesn't have anything to do with how perfect their rebound is for them.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Because it's a rebound relationship.

      Reply
  • Blanca

    Hey Kev,

    Thanks so much for your response.

    He's wanted kids his whole life. Do you really think he could have changed his mind within 6 months?

    I think he felt suffocated and wasn't ready for a relationship, and therefore doesn't (or felt like) want to have kids with me.

    A few months ago, his younger brother, who also married very young and had been with this wife for 8 years, got divorced. He saw them as the perfect couple and since that I think he kind of lost faith in marriage or the fact that a truly great relationship can last forever.

    I just feel that no matter what he'll feel like that for a while (doesnt want to get married and have kids) but that in the end, at some point, he'll want them (maybe not get married, but I dont mind that, I just want to know I 've found the one and we are both commited "forever", but I dont need a paper and even less, a wedding)

    How could I make sure we both want the same things when he just may be in a phase? Can I really trust what he says at the moment?

    Grrr you guys are so complicated! :p

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Blanca,

      You can't be sure. At least not now. That's why you should do no contact. Give him some time to think things through. Realize what he wants in his life. And you do the same. When you contact him after NC is over, both of you will hopefully be a lot clear on what you want in life and you can discuss it before getting back together.

      Reply
  • Blanca

    Hello Kevin

    I just left you a comment on another page but wanted to write this one here since this is the topic.

    What I wonder is if I was his rebound girl and if so, if all the steps to getting him back work.

    He married very young (25) after only a few months dating. They were married for 10 years (he's 36 now, no kids) and broke up because they didnt have a good relationship: he wanted kids and she didnt, she wasnt in love with him, she did her life (went on holidays with friends and not even contact him once while away, went out every day with friends instead of come home to eat dinner with him) and act like her roommate, etc etc.

    We met 6 months after they broke up. He was separated but not divorce (he is now). Had been on a few dates in the mean time, had sex with one or two, but no relationships. I was the first one.

    I was (am) basically just the complete opposite of his ex wife. I'm more homey, enjoy doing things as a couple, want to get married, have kids, be a good wife and mom, etc. I also am successful in my career while she didnt even have a job. As I said: complete opposites.

    We've been together for a year (1 year and 15 days to be exact).

    Do you think I was just the rebound girl?

    Do you think still the same rules apply now then?

    I think he felt suffocated. The relationship was getting serious (I didnt sleep at my place since February and he asked me to leave my apartment in July) and I wanted to spend a lot more time with him than what he probably felt like it. We both work from home and therefore saw each other too much.

    When broking up he said to me that he's a different person now than when we met. That he doesnt want to have kids or get married any more. I think he just feels that way now because of the type of relationship we had, but I know he likes me (although at the end we were / I was talking so much about the relationship that he probably resent me) and loves me.

    What are your thoughts?

    (Sorry for the testament :P )

    B.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Blanca,

      I don't think you were a rebound. Rebounds don't usually last for that long. But yes, there's a chance he might have changed and he doesn't want kids anymore. Before you decide to get back with him, you should make it absolutely clear that he wants the same things as you. If he doesn't, you should move on even if you both love each other.

      Reply
  • Herbert

    Hi Kevin, is there a place here for me, since I am definetely the rebound victim of my ex... (that is, te guy she had the rebound with).

    First of all: I wouldn't dare to show up here if I wasn't absolutely sure that her ex (the one before me and the father of her child) is an absolute jerk. He's been sleeping with loads of other women when they were still together, he's left her alone while their son was born (to get back with her later) and now he's only spending time with his son maybe once every two months, not really showing any interest, yet playing the victim in front of everyone. And no, this is not just what SHE has told me.

    It's been hard on me, the breakup, since, as in a rebound, things tend to move fast and I was really crazy about the lady so from my side all the quick steps at least FELT genuine, although I should have been wiser and read the signs.

    Eventually she broke up with me, saying that she needs to get her life together and is terribly sorry for using me in this way, but my feeling is that the real reason is that I've really done a bad job in handling and embracing all this complicated stuff with her ex.

    She has contacted me again after about a month (I've kept quiet after the breakup) giving me hints of good memories together etc...

    I feel like getting back together, albeit in a different sense where we both stand on our own feet. I think I did a good job already in realising the mistakes I've made.

    What's your idea about this, Kevin? Can rebounds develop into healthy relationships? Or am I just delusional. Thanks for all the free stuff, and thanks for te opportunity to share this.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Herbert,

      Yes, I do think so. Especially if the relationship with the ex was so messed up as is in your case. Of course, you should give her the time and space she needs to get over her ex and you will both need to start a new relationship that will not be a rebound. (Technically speaking, the rebound already ended and this time, you will be starting a normal relationship and taking it slow).

      Reply
  • Mario

    Hi, my name is mario, I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years. I'm 24 years old and shes 22. We have a almost 2 year old daughter together so this always makes things more difficult. To sum everything up, we have been on and off for about 2 years and during that rocky point of our relationship, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I took a girl out but never slept with this person. It was a one time thing, and my girlfriend found out and I lied about it, then told her the truth 2 weeks later. Obviously it was a hard time for the both of us. We broke up about 2months ago over an argument she knew she was at fault for but still continued to sleep with each other and have family days etc even though we weren't living together. We were both talking about moving in to my new place and be a family, but I told her that I wanted to take things slow. Not once did I say in that conversation that I didn't love her or want to be with her. I called her about 2 weeks after this conversation, and she said that she wasnt ready and said she has to find herself and wants to be happy with herself. I was confused to say the least. About a week later, her older sister's fiance's friend from work was introduced to my ex and from what I heard from my brother who lives in that house with my ex's sister, she has been going out with this guy like every other day, and doesn't come home sometimes till after 2am. I guess within the first month of this fling i guess you'd say, he has met the family, pretty sure she has met his, and she just seems really over me. I'm confused though because lately when talking about our daughter she has increased the length of our conversations by far. She'll start talking about her day or how school is going and how she wants me to keep a look out for a job for her. It's not like I can do the "no contact" because we have a daughter together so it makes it really difficult. I'm at a lost and I am so deeply in love with this girl, any advice would help. thanks

    Reply
  • TravelBug

    I am wondering if I was the rebound?

    My ex was in a ten year relationship with his ex, was married to her for five. I met him two years ago when they were separated and he was just out sleeping around at the time. I met him exactly a year later when he was still sleeping around with women, and they weren't officially divorced yet. This was November of last year. We initially wanted to just be friends with benefits, but he made me fall in love with him.

    He didn't have any pictures of his ex on his screen saver, and he told me he was over her but he still had pictures of his ex in laws which I found weird and made me think that he wasn't over that relationship. I guess, I was right because when he broke up with me two days ago, he said that he wasn't ready to take the next step with me of moving in together, and didn't want to make that commitment to me because he was scared and not ready for it.

    Anyway, I am beginning to wonder if I was the rebound? Because he said that he thought he wasted my time for ten months and that he selfishly kept me in his life all this time because I made him feel better.

    I guess my question is, is there ever any hope for me? Please advise because it would be a turning point for me. Even though he says he loves me when he broke up with me, does that mean anything? Or is it just something you say to be nice?

    I am such an idiot.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      It's hard to say whether you were a rebound. Most probably, you met him at a time in his life where he isn't ready for something. And I don't think you should continue contact with him and/or have any high hopes of getting him back. You can't control what he will think/do or when he will be ready for a relationship. The only thing you can control is your actions and your decisions. I'll recommend you try the 5 step plan once, and if it doesn't work, move on.

      Reply
  • Angie

    My ex and I were together for about 6 years. His drinking and outside forces tour us apart. I left him several times because of it. We tried to date and repair the relationship but my anger always got in the way. Now that I wanna work on the relationship and have gotten rid of all my anger issues he doesn't wanna work on it. He is now dating his ex girlfriend from 11 yrs ago who cheated on him more than worse. What should I do?

    Reply
  • Gigi

    Hi Kevin,
    I'm so sad and making mistakes -wasting time. I walk out on my ex 2 months ago. He tried contacting me the first 3 weeks and then stopped. I did NC for 5 weeks and saw him again a month ago for dinner. He displayed all the signs ti want me back but I was aloof. Thing were going well until I let my emotions run wild and we rehashed the relationship for 2 days on chat. Horrible. He maintained he loves me and misses me but needs to work on himself the and see what's best for his future. The past 2 weeks have been stressful and he's answered my emails but uber delayed (4-24hours). I know he's seeing a woman he met -and rejected when we were together, he minimized it and asked me to not tell him if I'm dating. Today I sent him an email letting him know I can't accept a cold friendship like this, "we deserve better and maybe we have a better shot at friendship later on, hugs". Hes written twice since. Saying he wants to see me but it's working on keeping better boundaries with women; he would rather talk about the good; he still wants to have a picnic with my kids; and is available for a walk or coffee when I'm ready. He called me by the pet name when we were friends, rather than when we were dating. I don't know what to do next, or how to answer? Please help me :-(

    Reply
  • saddayinusa

    Me and my ex of 5 years (which is also my 9month old's father) recently broke up end of may....the day of the break up he yells at me hes going to his new gfs house which left me shocked. He told me he lied and just said it cause he was hurt but I didny know what to believe since he has had a cheating past. We talked here and about getting back together and fixing our family. I thought we would have until I found out he actually did have a gf that he'd been lying about. By coincidence I ended up bumping into her the day the day after I found out and she told me they have been talking since November my daughter was born nov 3 :=)so yeah...now hes denying everything hes told me about loving me stiil being an asshole and im just a mess...is he really gunna be with this girl I mean hey there relationship is about to make a year along with my daughter. Im hurt that he cheated on me and made this side chick hes girl....all I can hope is that it doesnt work out for obvious reasons im bitter.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I am sorry you are going through this. But you really should do NC for at least a couple of months and learn to be happy without him. If you get back together, there's a good chance he will cheat again.

      Reply
  • vincent

    What are common responses when ur ex appears to be withholding their new relationship when secretly wanting to get back together. Me and my ex split about 6 weeks ago and I asked her several times especially when she became more distant and easily angered toward me..through my own investigation I found out she is seeing a 50 year old man now..I'm 29 she is 30 . when I confronted her about it she proceeded to attempt to call me 7 times ..she still hasn't made a pic of them her profile pic on facebook..and I texted her a couple days later just to let her know her know I was sending her kids gift cards for their birthdays she didn't get mad she just said ok..I'm in my 6th day of Nc any insight would be appreciated

    Reply
  • helpneeded123

    My ex broke up with me 10 weeks ago (we dated for 2.5 years, 1 year long distance...she is 26 I am 29). She de-activated her facebook immediately. I called her 6 weeks after the breakup to talk about getting back together. She said she does not see us getting back, not meant to be, etc... I brought up lies that she said, and instead of apologizing she yelled "dont you ever call me again" and sent me a text that said "have a nice life!".
    3 weeks after I called her, she re-acticated her facebook , put "In a relationship". And 2 days after that (which was last week), she put photos up of her and her friends on the beach in a bikini shoot basically. Then put up a news article from a psychology website 2 days ago of "10 healthy habits that happy couples do". She never posted things like that when she was with me.

    I take it that it's over.. but I can't believe she jumped so fast. Her being 'official' 9 weeks after a breakup shows me that they clearly were dating for at least 1 month, which means she wasn't grieving long at all (MAXIMUM a month). She also had an ex of 5 years before me that she jumped from him immediately to me.

    What do you think.....why did she jump so fast? Is it a rebound, or is it real?

    Reply
    • melody

      she may like him because hes exciting but the glamour wears off. he will dump her because he see's multiple people and grow bored with her. she wont see it coming and then she will contact you. tell her you need to think about taking her back and that your talking to someone who is a nice friend. let her see how special you are. seems like she likes excitement and guys who are hard to get. she wants a guy who has women pining over him. she will come back i say within a few months. he will want something else, watch.

      Reply
  • iain

    ive posted before but now im really confused, my ex broke up with me about 3 month ago, we were together 10 years we have been in regular contact until last week when I decided to go nc I knew she had been seeing another guy and I think that's why I was dumped but reading on here he could of been her back up plan before we finished, she kept lying about him all the time then last Thursday she sent a text telling me she was now seeing him , but a month ago she said he was a rebound a bit of fun , now her saying that makes me think its serious between them last sunday after spending the day with her which she organised , holding my hand kissing me etc he text and she said I have to see him to sort my feelings out, she spent the night at his, I was heartbroken I think she is in love with this guy and after reading on this site its like she hasn't been emotionally involved for months but on the other hand dumpers in rebounds think there in love but this guy has been around to pick her up when we were going wrong , she sent a snapchat on Friday then I had caller id withheld calls on my phone on sunday which she used to do if we fell out could be coincidence but that has never happened before im trying not to panic I have been no contact for a week but god I miss her so much even after how horrible she has been but im in panic mode , how can she stop loving me , how can she forget me , how can she move on , etc etc etc but this site says if she waited 3 months or more to move on she admitted seeing him after 3 months but has been seeing him longer , and this guy is the total opposite (more confusion) real player not nice to women multiple partners etc etc ,but she says he is gorgeous and in her text she said I was good looking great sense of humour ,big heart which I think is a ego boost for her cos why leave if im all that anyway im so hurt and confused some good feedback would be excellent cos im at rock bottom.

    Reply
    • Mario

      Hang in there iain. I'm in the same boat with ya. Listening to what kevin has said in this article and others, has really showed me a lot. We all have our breakdowns and lose ourselves every once in a while. Just stay strong and do not contact her. Make her realize that you are not there anymore.

      Reply
  • Lei

    Hey all but mainly Kevin,

    I recently ran into my ex and it was extremely awkward and now I'm wondering if e was interested and is waiting for me to initiate contact the way I've always done? I don't want to do that and have yet to. I saw him almost two weeks ago and because I'm sure he deleted my number and I his our form of contact would be Facebook but I deactivated mine long ago so that I wouldn't be tempted to talk to him. He was in a relationship and that ended and then a week later we had a run in, oddly the same way we did two years ago, timing, place and all but I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm wondering is if him jot making direct eye contact but smiling or smirking constantly mean anything?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a chance he wants you to initiate contact. But still, I'd recommend you give him some time to initiate contact before you do so.

      Reply
    • Lei

      Welcome back!!
      How much time should I let pass? I'm relatively sure he's deleted my number and being that I'm not active should I activate again?

      My apologies I meant not making eye contact while we were talking but looking elsewhere and smiling. He was alone also.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'd say wait 2 weeks.

      Reply
    • Lei

      It's been about two weeks now. So initiate?

      Reply
    • Lei

      Welcome back!!
      How much time should I let pass? I’m relatively sure he’s deleted my number and being that I’m not active should I activate again?

      My apologies I meant not making eye contact while we were talking but looking elsewhere and smiling. He was alone also.

      original post on here.

      Reply
  • joe

    hello Kevin or to anyone I can get any advice from right now

    I am trying to get some help here on some issues I am having. I sent in a comment couple days ago and it looks like it still hasn't gone up yet but, I just recently found out that thing between me and my girl ended and not in the way I preferred.

    When I first wrote in I gave little bit of story and what was happen between us, I seem to be having more trouble lately because after I saw her with someone else at her work when I stopped by to talk and give her a letter I ended up texting her next day saying wish you didn't hate me and hope you read that letter and I know it probably wont mean anything but she said she don't hate me and that it did mean something. That was confusing to try and understand if so then why are you with someone. But after that later she responded with longer message saying she decided it not healthy for her to e with me to much damage done to deal with and she been through this before but she thought it was different and she has moved on from it. That stung like hell I didn't responded had no idea what to say and besides I took my anger out in not greatest way after reading that.

    I wanted to say stop exaggerating about the unhealthy part because we were both really happy she just got upset and felt that way when she had an attitude and I didn't want to talk for day or two, it was to give each person space, not like I was such that bad person she makes me out to be.

    My point I am trying to get to is after reading all these articles and comments and what not I still do not feel that there is any chance I can get her back not even with all the advise here, and especially since I feel that maybe she has been with this guy longer then I know about which makes me sick and really anger.

    I started saying things haven't really looked up because after the message I haven't spoke to her, what can I say to her anyway. I did happen to see her at the gym couple days ago but I didn't talk to her or look at or anything just saw her and tried to mind my business, been really trying to get good workouts in, take my frustrations out on weights.

    today I was in there getting pretty heavy lift in, I was kind of feeling good had nice sweat going. toward the end of my lift I happen to walk past female locker room entrance when a girl came out in front of me I stopped she looked familiar it was here friend. A second right after that my ex came out and I was like oh boy here we go. she just glanced at me really quick and it looked like it was a disapproved look, like really this guy. I felt like she looked at me like she still hates me and like I said she is in a relationship now from what I can tell. that instantly killed my vibe I felt like crap the rest of my workout suffered and I felt just mad at that like, really you look at me like that.

    I left gym maybe 10 min after that and went home, didn't want to annoy her anymore the what I probably did just by seeing me and have felt down since then. I am just trying to get some advise or outlook or something from this. I already feel like I been lost her awhile ago, not going to be able to get her back since she said she moved on from it cause she been here before and it not worth it, that her relationship isn't a rebound it going to be real McCoy, and that trying to follow these steps is just going to fail me. like the no contact rule is going to screw me over here, more I don't say anything more she going to be liking the new guy a lot more then me.

    so if there is a way I could just get some feed back it would be really great and helpful, because I don't want to keep feeling like any day or two I am gone snap and lose it about all of this .

    Reply
    • melody

      jean,

      you love her, but you need to work on your anger. she didnt leave you cuz of the guy, she left because it was mentally draining to fight you. i left a man before for a similar reason. i couldnt see myself going through yelling with him any longer. you need to get help for anger and then after this contact her and say a simple. hello hows life? let her develop a friendship with you again and listen to her problems n dont place any negative spin on her relationship. the only reason shes with that guy is he is a good listener and friend. show her your there for her. she will come around because you have more length of time. but work on the anger first.

      Reply
  • Jean

    Hi Kevin

    First of all i want to say that you have a great website .. keep up the good work.

    Im writing regarding my ex girlfriend.
    We was in a relationship for a year and a half. We really had a good time , and the love between us felt real. I was going trough some personal ( work related ) problems at the end of our relationship. Due to my problems i let my frustrations out on my ex.
    We was arguing a lot .. and it felt like i pushed her away. After a while we talked on the phone and she told me that she did not have the same feelings for me anymore. I still had feelings for her , even if we fought a lot. I told her that i could not be in a relationship with someone that did not have the same feelings as me.. so we broke it off . We tried the "friendship" thing after the break up .. but she started acting very distant. She would text me one day .. and respond a day of two later. So i told her that i felt the whole "friend" thing seemed fake , and it was better to go our seperate ways. I did no contact for two months after that( worked on all aspects of my self those two months) . She started dating another guy (totally opposite of me ) a couple of weeks after i cut all contact. I heard through mutual friends that she already had dinner with his family ( something we never did together) . I see that she changed her profile picture on FB and instagram to different pictures i took of her , when we was together .. dont know if that means anything. i choose to contact her again after the 2 months of NC. I texted her a friendly text .. and she responded back. We did not mention our past relationship .. kept it friendly at all times. She was asking me a lot about if i had bought a new car or moved in to a new apartment yet .. stuff that's money / status related ( i thought it was wird , she seemed very obsessed about it ) . I waited a week and texted her again .. and she responded. We have not been in contact since .. that's about two weeks now. I know she is on vacation with her new boyfriend, and i dont want to be the crazy pushy ex boyfriend. Im really feeling good about myself , and not depressed like i was when we broke up. My work situation is super great ... and i have even been out meeting other women , just to get my mind right ( if that make any sence ? ). She haven't told me about her new guy yet ... I just want to play it calm and cool no matter what.

    So my question is ... do you think i can get my ex back ? if yes ... what to you recommend me to do.

    Sorry for the long novel :) hope you will respond ...

    Thanks for you time.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jean,

      You have a decent chance. I'll recommend you keep contacting her via text and slowly increase the frequency and length of the conversations you have with her. And then eventually ask her to meet up.

      Reply
    • Jean

      Hi Kevin,

      Thanks for the reply .. i texted her again as you recommended.
      we was sending pictures and chatting via Snapchat for about 30 min... nothing super personal , just friendly conversation.
      I ended the txt/snapchat conversation after 30 min, i told her that i had a guest coming by to visit , and that i had to leave... wished her a great day. I just felt like it was good to end the txt / snapchat thing on a good positive note.
      how often do recommend me to write her ? dont want to appear to needy...

      Thanks again.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      While she is away, once a week. When she is back, increase the frequency. Once every 2-3 days. It also depends on if she is initiating contact. If she is not, then after a while, you should decrease the frequency back to once a week.

      Reply
    • jean

      thanks for the reply ... i will do that.
      keep up the good work.

      Reply
    • Austin

      You most likely have more than 50% chance to get her back.(that's a good thing)
      Also, the NC was good, nice job :)

      Reply
  • sierra

    Hey, your advice has made me open up and realize alot.. before I was so blind and so desperate that I couldn't think straight I would beg for chances. I'd text him call him.. I had left him alone and he contacted my best friend asking how I was doing and that he wanted to be friends cause he cared about me still our breakup related to my actions and mistakes that pushed him way over the edge. He would give off hints that he wanted me back and well we did but since or offical break up which has been 4 months now hes been in and out so many relationships I figured he was using her as a rebound he would pur her names he use to call me and it bothered me enough to yell at him will cruel and our of line words but you've made me wake up and realize alot so I know whats best thank you.

    Reply
  • Dave C.

    Dave C. July 1, 2014, 8:34 am
    Hi Kevin,

    I hope you're well. Thank you for your advice. Your website has helped me immensely. I’ve now completed 30 days NC. I feel good, I’m happy with going with the flow, spending time with friends etc., although I struggle on the odd occasion… who doesn’t? My ex is still dating the other guy & I haven’t heard from her. They’ve been seeing each other for 5 months now. 4 months where she was dating both of us without the other knowing. He still doesn’t know. I’m not sure if I’m at “Deaths Door” or “Indifference”? We don’t hang in the same social circles so I have no clue?

    I’m going to send the “magic letter” but I’d like your opinion first, please. Her birthday is coming up in a week. I’ll be overseas. I really don’t want to ruin her day. I thought it would be a good idea if I sent the letter so it arrives after her b’day & a separate postcard with a simple b’day greeting. Do you think this is a good idea?

    I’ve always done something special, along with sending a single rose on her b’day. The rose is symbolic & a little thing only we know. I know receiving a rose on her b’day will bring a smile to her face but it is so predictable, from me. Knowing her, I think she is expecting that I’ll reach out to her on her b’day, as I’ve never let anything get in the way of it. I don’t want to “play games” but, I’d like to wait for a couple days after, as I mentioned before, I don’t want to upset her & I’d like to leave her wondering why I haven’t contacted her too. Change it up & be a little mysterious… Good or bad ideas? Decided not to send a rose after all.

    Thank you in advance for your help. I can’t thank you enough.

    Dave

    Reply
  • Jenny

    Hello Kevin,

    I was with my ex boyfriend for about a year, and we just recently broke up about 2 weeks ago. I thought it was pretty sudden, because I thought everything was going pretty well. He started working at a new job about 3 months ago and ever since, we've been lacking in communication because of conflicting schedules. However, we still tried to make time for each other to talk and catch up with how our days went.

    Well, he's recently started talking to this girl that he works with, and since then, he has changed his whole perspective on our relationship. He thinks that we're "too different" and stuff to make it work. He says he's tired of trying to make it work, but I've been putting a lot of effort into it, to try to make it work with him. He also says that he wants to see other people. However, I know he still has feelings for me and still cares. But where does this put us? I'm confused and I'm sure he is too. We argue and he gets annoyed and frustrated. Just last week, we spent 3 whole days together. I slept over at his house on Wednesday; we went to a county fair together on Saturday; and he asked me out to lunch on Sunday. I admit, we argued on Wednesday and we did talk a bit about "our relationship" Saturday on the way to the fair, but other than that, everything was swell. I'm writing to you right now, because I just don't know what to do. He says that he's "taking it slow with [the girl]." Yet he's still talking to me and says that he doesn't want to lose a friend...

    Thank you Kevin.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'll recommend you apply no contact. Let him start the relationship with the other girl. It'll probably be a rebound and end. Tell him you need time and space to deal with the breakup and you can't be his friend right now. Let him realize that there's a good chance he will lose you forever. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Jenny

      He texted me saying that it's probably best if we don't talk anymore. What is that supposed to mean? Has he already completely moved on? I caved and slept over a few days ago because he asked me if I wanted to..And I said sure. But we haven't talked since yesterday at 1pm and he hasn't once tried to contact me yet. I know I'm supposed to be doing no contact (which I'm implementing right now), but he usually texts me "good night" and "good morning" even if we're upset with one another. I'm confused. Is he already so invested in this new girl that he's trying to completely take me out of his life?

      Thanks.

      Reply
    • Austin

      Even for a guy, that's confusing.
      But I think you should apply NC even with his texts (It'll most likely have him thinking, especially if he regularly texts you "good morning" or "good night")
      Maybe apply NC for about a month.
      Good luck :)

      Reply
    • Jenny

      Thank you, Austin!

      Reply
  • Adrian

    So I 40 partners 35 been in a realationship for 7 yrs broke up 4 and half months ago she has 4 kids from previous long term abusive realationship I have 1 child to her.

    We were very happy for five of those years. The last 3 months I wasn't happy neither was she we had problems with her 3 older kids and I didn't know how to handle it and neither did she at the time I was verbally abusive to her and her kids we got into a huge fight.

    One day she is the loving partner the next she has done the complete reversal on me.She stopped contact and communicating with me.

    One month after she talked to me for 2 hrs I listened she gave me lies and excuses and no explanation . I have tried everything possible to reconcile I have had no response I keep texting and calling no answer. Need some advice don't know what to do

    Reply
  • M

    So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 and a half years and we broke up because he stole from me I then took up the opputinty to work on a ship and when for it 10 month at sea I still love my ex while being a sea I missed him lots. after a bout 8 month at sea I find out he is dating someone else i though I was okay with it but when I finish the contract and returned home and started working at my old job where both my ex and his new girlfriend work I feel very sad and heart broken I love him and wish to be back with him he has been dating this girl nearly three month now what should I do

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey M,

      Are you sure you will be able to have a healthy and long term relationship with this guy? If not, then what you are feeling is probably jealousy coupled with loneliness instead of love.

      Reply
  • Jeff

    My ex and I have been broken up for around four months, dated for 3, and knew each other for a year before that. She recently started dating a guy and, via Facebook, they were in a relationship after only ten days of knowing each other. Would this be considered a rebound?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hard to say, since you two were in a short term relationship.

      Reply
    • Jeff

      This guy seems to be the exact opposite of someone she would usually date. Also, before she started dating him were in contact quite a bit, but right after she started dating him she became very cold and distant and seemed to be trying to push me away. Any thoughts on this?

      Reply
  • gina

    Hi Kevin,

    I sent a long comment that I accidentally sent. So, I will make this brief. Will be traveling soon. So, i want to get this out of the way. Anyway, i broke up with a wonderful, and awesome guy about 5 months ago. At the time, I was stressed about helping family so i got a better job. So, I broke up with him one night bc of the stress and I didn't realize I had PMS!! He started seeing someone else right away. I encouraged it because we have a big age difference. then he proposed to her only 2 months after we broke up. Even a month after we made love for the last time. This proposal came out of nowhere. it was like a punch in the face. Everyone was shocked. I saw comments on his Instagram (bc he insisted i re-follow him) of people being shocked.
    Anyway, after months of texting back and forth, of him mostly blaming me for ruining something beautiful, but also wanting me to accept and be happy for him. But yet, whenever I would want to defend myself, he really didn't want to hear it. So, at some point I called a face to face, where I tried fighting for us one last time- presented him with the timeline leading up to proposal- how could he propose after 2 months- and he had dedicated a lana del rey song to me just the other day- a song that made me want to just die- so we agreed to no more sad texts- But apparently it didnt stop because again I needed to have another convo with him to get my point across. showed up at his house randomly. He said we would talk later. Later, while i was at therapy, he called me and told me he his girl found out that I wanted to see him and that she was upset (she didnt know anything!) He said you are either gonna be my friend or nothing at all!!
    But later that night he retracted it all and said he wanted me to continue to keep in contact, and we had a great neutral conversation where he finally gave me closure. It was great. Except for the part where he said "maybe some day i'll be back, but for now just be happy for me." and I had graciously said I would be happy. Then i said i will give him space. but he said "no, i don't need space," I want to keep texting and talking to you.

    So, anyway, he keeps me in limbo. We do NC for two weeks at most, for now. I am trying to move on with the help of a therapist and trying to get back to the old me. I've tried to see other people, but i work nights. Its been very hard. He may never come back at all, but he still inspires me (in spirit) to better myself. He's always encouraged me to follow my dreams and be the best that I can be. He would never be re-attracted to a pathetic person. So, i am gonna work on being the 2.0 version of me, and be happy again.
    So, what is your opinion? A guy I know told me that age eventually matters. However, he said if you were "In LOVE" then I should have never let it go. He meant the world to me, but I took him for granted. I made a huge mistake in a moment of stress, and now I am full of regret.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Gina,

      I think you have a chance. It's good that you are doing NC and improving yourself. You should get back in touch once you feel you have become the 2.0 version of yourself. Give it one last try. However, don't make it obvious that you want to get back together. Just get back in touch and let it be his idea to get back together.

      Reply
    • Gina

      Hi Kevin,
      Just giving you an update . So, around the end of 30 day NC, he was the one who contacted me. He texted me then left a voicemail. He said he needed 'advice' about something. A few days later, while still debating on calling him, he texted me again, emphasizing that he has contacted me twice. So, I replied back finally. He asked me for this advice, then mentioned that he heard I took a trip, and he seemed impressed by that and other things. Then, I ran into him at a 4th of July event. He saw me from a distance, and made the effort to not only wave, but to come up to me. He must have left the fiancée with his family because before that I saw them walking around at least three times. And they did not even hold hands. In another conversation recently, he asked if I was seeing anyone. Anyway, let me get to the point. He texted me to meet up with him the other night because he needed someone to talk to. We talked about the stress that he is still under, and seemed like he is tired of dealing with it. And after we spoke about that, he flirted with me and he even held my hand, examining it.. He said he is still attracted to me and still would be for a long time. The next day he told me he spent the night on the beach and cleared his head. He said even though he missed me, we should never go backwards. He doesn't want us to cause each other to hurt. Anyway, as of two days ago, I texted him for something. He replied back that he is no longer engaged, and that he is gonna leave the country soon for time alone. And to be 'patient with him.' I was shocked. The rebound relationship finally unravelled!! You were right. I am looking forward to him coming back already, but I am afraid he will do something impulsive again. Any suggestions. My BFF suggests being aggressive about it, but I rather follow your advice from last message and let it be his idea. I don't want to be pushy if he honestly does not want to get back. But I know the cause of his unhappiness is us Not being together. Now the obstacle is gone.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't be aggressive. He needs some time alone. Let him have it. Use this time to improve yourself even more and become more confident. If I have to guess, he will be making all the moves and all you will have to do is play it cool and don't be needy. All the best.

      Reply
    • Gina

      Thanks Kevin! He definitely needs the time alone. Meanwhile, I will keep working on my current goals and changes. I will keep calm and keep myself distracted. Thank you for the great advice!

      Reply
  • jane

    Hi

    I broke up with my ex about 5 weeks ago. We were in a serious relationship for about 11years. After we broke up, he found a girl and proposed to her with rings. Ever since then, I have been pestering him by call and texts for two weeks. I even went to his house and waited for him. But he chased me off. I hitted his limit and he created new Facebook account and added his family and relatives only. Could you please advise what should I do next in order to get him back?

    Reply
  • Dave C.

    Hi Kevin,

    I would really appreciate your advice. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, I feel helpless. My ex girlfriend (28 y.o.) and I (33 y.o.) have been dating on and off for the past 7 years. This last time for 3 years. Her parents don't like me because we got into a little debt when we were younger. We have tried staying away from each other but we've always been drawn back to each other. We've continued to see each other behind her parents backs. There's a lot of pressure there to stay away from me.

    I thought we were finally heading in the right direction. But a couple of weeks back I discovered that she has been seeing another guy for the last 3 months. I confronted her about it and she apologised. I met with her parents to talk about us after I found out and they were shocked to learn she was still seeing me. My ex was furious that I spoke to her parents and now refuses to speak to me. Saying I had ruined her life. I bombarded her with texts and calls for the first couple of days. Then I saw her a few days after I had seen her parents. I asked her what she wanted and she said she didn't know, that I had no idea what was going on inside her. I love this girl so much. I just want us to have a real, honest chance to be happy together without all the lies. The last text from her was "I don't have anything to say to you at this point in time."

    It appears that her parents are supporting this new relationship. Taking my ex and her new boyfriend out to dinner after I had spoken to them. I feel it's only because it gets her away from me. But they did tell me she has been happier these past few months. I'm confused and heartbroken??? This is killing me. When I asked her if she wanted me to walk away, she didn't respond, she said now was not the right time to ask her about us, because she hated me for what I did. I have applied the NC rule. It's only been a week. Have I lost her forever or is this just a rebound relationship? Thank you in advance.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's a good chance it's a rebound. Her parents being against you and pushing her into the new relationship might work in favor of you. Do NC for a month and get back in touch.

      Reply
    • Dave C.

      Hi Kevin,

      I hope you enjoyed your break. Thank you for your advice. Your website has helped me immensely. I've now completed 30 days NC. I feel good, I'm happy with going with the flow, spending time with friends etc., although I struggle on the odd occasion... who doesn't? My ex is still dating the other guy & I haven't heard from her. They've been seeing each other for 5 months now. 4 months where she was dating both of us without the other knowing. He still doesn't know. I'm not sure if I'm at "Deaths Door" or "Indifference"? We don't hang in the same social circles so I have no clue?

      I'm going to send the "magic letter" but I'd like your opinion first, please. Her birthday is coming up in a week. I'll be overseas. I really don't want to ruin her day. I thought it would be a good idea if I sent the letter so it arrives after her b'day & a separate postcard with a simple b'day greeting. Do you think this is a good idea?

      I've always done something special, along with sending a single yellow rose on her b'day. The rose is symbolic & a little thing only we know. I know receiving a rose on her b'day will bring a smile to her face but it is so predictable, from me. Knowing her, I think she is expecting that I'll reach out to her on her b'day, as I've never let anything get in the way of it. I don't want to "play games" but, I'd like to wait for a couple days after, as I mentioned before, I don't want to upset her & I'd like to leave her wondering why I haven't contacted her too. Change it up & be a little mysterious... Good or bad ideas?

      Thank you in advance for your help. I can't thank you enough.

      Dave

      Reply
  • Whitney

    I decided today to be nosey and look at my ex's facebook. Much to my demise, he changed his profile to one of him and a new girl. He and I never even had a profile picture today and we were supposedly in love. Part of me thinks he is trying to illicit a response from me. It hurts really bad especially seeing friends that I was paraded in front of and had been around often liking the photo. Is this most likely a rebound? I just don't get how someone can be so heartless and vindictive. Literally 2 weeks of being broken up and he pulls this.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, most likely a rebound and it was probably done to get a reaction out of you.

      Reply
    • Whitney

      That's what I keep telling myself especially since this girl does not live here but apparently has come down to visit (southern state and she's from New York). It's just a weird situation being from a small town and having someone mistreat you so badly. We work out at the same gym and luckily I have not run into him yet. The way he has handled and initiated our breakup has been very immature and yet I would probably try again later down the road. What's the best way of dealing with a rebound? A huge part of me says no girl in her right mind will pack up and leave her family and friends to come to a small town in the South, but of course things happen.

      Reply
    • Whitney

      With that said about rebounds, is there still a chance? It is as if nothing has fazed him whatsoever. I know we will end up bumping into each other at some point. I have thrown myself back into the gym working out with a trainer and have taken on a part time job for the summer to give me something to do. I have read your 5 step plan and have been doing no contact and it's weird it is not bothering me too terribly but I still wonder and sometimes think this is a sick test. I don't know. Advice is appreciated.

      Reply
  • Anne

    hi kevin! me and my ex boyfriend had been 2yrs more together and we just broke up for almost 3 months but in that 2months we still contact and see each other and many things happened before i decided to do the no contact rule. my no contact period will end up tomorrow. i did all the things that was written in your no contact period like hang out with friends, have a vacation, spa, focus to something like work and so many.. and i did enjoy that.. but after that all even i posted pictures to my fb account theres still no response from my ex boyfriend. and during my no contact period my ex was also happy and enjoying with his friends and with the new girl ive heard he's dating based on his posted pictures on fb. what should i do now after my no contact period to him?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should get back in touch. Text him or send him the letter mentioned in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Anne

      I texted him already but he dont reply knowing that he is awake and online. What should i do if he doesnt reply to my text? Thank you kevin..

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should wait a week or two and then try again. If still nothing, you have the option of starting no contact and trying again or concentrate on moving on. I'd recommend the latter.

      Reply
    • Anne

      thank you kevin. but can i ask what should i do now knowing that he is into someone this new girl.. he spends a lot of time with this new girl.. what should i do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There's nothing much you can do other than what I said above.

      Reply
  • Iain

    I had been with my ex for ten years she broke up with me 6 weeks ago she said she felt different but still loved me I had suspicions she was cheating because she started to lie a lot it she is now with this guy but denies it

    Reply
  • Jake

    Me and my ex GF were together close to 5 years. We're from different cities 3 hours away. After 2 1/2 years I moved back home for other reasons. 9 months or so later after a proposal and her dumping a guy she was seeing she moved to my home with me. We decided to wait on marriage. After a little over a year and a half she wanted to be back home. Neither of us were happy here and I was trying to get us out. Because of something in my career at the time I stayed for a minute unsure. It didn't take long to figure out I wanted to be with her obviously. We've had our bumps like any relationship but loved each other. She started seeing an old boyfriend within a month of being home. She wasn't putting much into it and He dumped her...she apparently was dealing with a lot in herself too. we somewhat reconciled for about a month and I truly thought we were going to work things out. Then like that she went back to him. He's younger than her and according to her very clingy, even wanted her to move in after only a couple months. I did some of the no no's...ima human being who had his emotions seriously messed with...I have since cut all ties...going NC as they seem to be more serious and have been dating a few months now. Crazy as it is...I love and miss her...any thoughts or should I give up?

    Reply
  • Justin

    Hello,

    Recently my girlfriend and I broke up. We were dating for about 4 years. Her reasoning for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore is that she didn't have time and she felt that she was missing out on life from being in a serious relationship. We have been split up for about 3 months. I wished her a happy birthday the other day, and the conversation was small. It didn't have much to it. I have been trying to maintain NC. I have a feeling she is and has been seeing someone else even toward the end of our relationship. I am pretty heartbroken, and feel that I should move on with my life.

    Deep down I would love to reconnect with her again, but I know I do not deserve this kind of behavior. If anyone has suggestions as to what I should do, please let me know. Thanks for your help.

    Reply
  • jo-led

    Hey kevin,

    Its been 3months since my ex and i broke up, and now shes seeing another guy. Honestly i felt really messed up when i found out. shes in virginia now and the new guy is in jamaica which i find weird for a new relationship to work she is coming back in august tho, could this be a rebound? honestly i was kinda annoying at first cause i couldnt control my emotions . I think she still cares only because i was tlking to her and asked her to bring a pair of ear rings for me. instantly she got upset cause she thought it was for another girl. then i told her it was for me then she said she knows my ears arent pierced and she doesnt want me to pierce them cause she doesnt want me to look like a thug. Which i found confusing cause i couldnt understand why she would care. I was trying to get her to get back after that but she was saying she cant and she doesnt want to mainly tht she doesnt believe me. see the thing is aftr the break up i bought her roses it didnt work she just wanted space so i jus didnt see her but we still communicated via text. but i went out with my friends (mainly) had fun she found out and the other day she told me tht pushed her away, this was the same convo as the ear ring. she said me telling her the same thing over was making her annoyed and she wanted me to leave her alone , but i can tell she still loves me based on her reactions to these things. soo its been a week now since ive contacted her meaning i been applying the no contact. should i keep doing this then message her aftr 30days??

    Reply
    • jo-led

      oh and btw i saw a stat she posted yesterday that said " whats love but a second hand emotion? " from tht tina turner song whats love got to do with it .what should i take from that?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Nothing. Don't obsess over her posts. It doesn't help you in any way.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes. It is probably a rebound. And you should do NC for 30 days and message her after that.

      Reply
  • Marc

    Hi Kevin,

    I was dating this lovely woman for a year and half, all around great honeymoon to foundation stages of a relationship. Met her friends and family. We also took a break to focus on some personal issues (work, life, etc). We still saw each other regardless during this break. We recently we broke up. A surprise to me as I told her my intensions are to be with her, not entertaining prospects during the break. We both were working things out to be 100% for the relationship. The break came as a surprise as I said. She started seeing someone right after. A few real talks between us to help clear some things on the interim. Weird side note, other guy knows about me and our situation. She ended up choosing the other dude to see where it would go. Not even trying to reconcile the year we built and move forward constructively working things out. I still see all social media posts etc (unless blocked from future posts, idk?) and she still engages on my instagram with no communication outside of those "likes". I know she's seeing someone but her usual MO is to show her enthusiasm with the person she's with all over social media. This time it's silence. Few posts here and there nothing related to her new relationship. Is this a rebound? Is there hope? Any thoughts?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's probably a rebound. There's hope. Read the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Marc

      Thank you Kevin. She recently reached out on email just thanking and asking if I was doing well.

      I still haven't replied since it's been only 15 days into the no contact. I feel I want to reply as positive as I can on how I'm doing. What do you think? And thank you for answering my post. This site has placed a lot of perspective into my situation. Thank you.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      In my opinion, you shouldn't reply yet. But if you choose to reply, make sure you mention in the end that you both need some time and space right now.

      Reply
    • Marcus

      Hi Kevin,

      I replied as mentioned and now a text comes out of the blue from NC about working on a project together. I'm a bit confused as what she is doing. I've been on a roll turing myself around 180, making positive strides then this comes up. I felt I regressed back to those same feelings. I declined the opportunity and again mentioned space. She's confusing me at this point. She wanted no contact but yet inclined to contact me regarding a collaborative project. I'd love to help and see her and show I've changed, maybe this is a good opp to rekindle something as I have completely changed physically and mentally.
      Your thoughts?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you feel confident enough, then yes. If you think you need more time, tell her so.

      Reply
  • Lena

    Hi Kevin,
    My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about 6 months ago after 3 months of drifting apart (me being super clingy and him pushing me away). We had just started college together and were both kind of on different pages in the relationship. That being said we had had a really great relationship, we had basically been in love since middle school and we were incredibly close. After we broke up I basically did everything you shouldn't do, I texted him and called him many many times for about a month until I finally realized that I needed to cut off contact and I deleted him off of all social media and stopped contacting him at all. Oh, he also had a new girlfriend about three weeks after we broke, but they broke up a few weeks ago. Since I "cut off contact" I did contact him a few times, but mostly tried to present myself as confident and "over him" which I was for a while. Recently, especially since him and his new girlfriend broke up, I have started to miss him again a lot. I think I have grown a lot and learned a lot from the breakup, and am ready to start a new relationship with him. He hasn't made any effort to contact me, shows no interest whatsoever and whenever we talk he tells me how happy he is alone. However I know him pretty well, and I know he is very stubborn. I am worried he is only focused on the bad parts of our relationship and is ignoring all the wonderful times we had and how great we were as a couple. One of the main reasons we broke up was because I was so focused on my relationship with him that I completely ignored trying to make new friends in college and spent all my time with him. I now have a really solid group of friends and I think that would greatly improve our relationship. I desperately want to tell him all of that but I definitely don't want to beg him to take me back. Do you think I have a chance? What should I do? Do I need to start another no contact period?
    Thank you!!

    Reply
  • Josh

    Hi Kevin,

    So I and my ex broke up couple of weeks ago and I still don't know the reason for that. we were in a relationship for like only one month but we dated for quite a bit. she lives like 2 hours away from my place. I met her a day before we broke up and she said "I miss you so much" and hugged me hugely. She was busy with her studies and everything so I didn't bother to message her for 2 days after meeting her. and when I texted her she refused texting me back for another 3 days and said she wanted to break up with me because she lost feelings on me(while waiting, I sent her a long email stating how I felt about her and I wanna know why she is not replying me). I somehow pulled it back but she wasn't as the same as she used to be(I asked her to start detaching from me like 2 weeks ago but never thought she would do it, which I think is the first mistake I have done). so I said I want to break up with you the following day. she contacted me again after like 4 days and we just talked random stuffs. then I stopped replying her for like a week and I messaged her again. but then she was still behaving weird and it was really hurting me so I told her that we cannot be friends and I am not gonna contact you again. I said sorry for everything I had done(second mistake). she just said "Okay", that's all.

    I never asked for the relationship back after breaking up. I stopped messaging her again and contacted her couple of days ago when I was drunk. I said "I wish I could meet you once and explain everything to you. I miss you so much :-("( Third mistake). she did not reply to that message but I sent her another message saying "I was pretty drunk yesterday and let me know when I can talk to you". she said she is at someones house and she is gonna be there for the whole day. I said okay, take your time and contact me whenever you get a chance. but she hasn't contacted me yet. it's been like 3 days now. I might have done things that she didn't like since I am from a different culture. but I gave valid answers for everything I've done, but she is refusing to accept those. I don't know if she will ever contact me again or not. I am pretty sure she will answer me if I ask a random question from her. but I don't know if that approach is going to work. it seems like she doesn't care about me at all now. she was really nice to me and I really love her a lot(I think I love her more than I loved anyone else). should I wait until she replies my message? and what should I say if she replies? what if she does't reply me at all? I am really burning inside and I really want the relationship back and I would of course do anything to get it back.

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Josh,

      I think you are putting her on a pedestal and what you think is love is just an obsession. You were with her for only a month. You know almost nothing about her to actually love her as a person. All you know that she is not a very understanding person, since she is not accepting your explanation for whatever happened. And that is not a quality you should look for in a life partner. You can try the 5 step plan, but your chances are less.

      Reply
  • Rob

    Hello, Say your ex is in a rebound relationship now and you start to do No Contact. How long should you wait to contact them? When the rebound is over? Thank you ......

    Reply
  • Domenic

    Hi kevin

    Thank you for for your blog as I'm in a desperate situation as this has been going on for six months and i don't know what to do
    my wife started a new job 1 year ago and all was good as she said she found her dream job as time progressed she was always talking to me about a guy at work that she found really interesting but i let it go as she seemed pretty happy still with me… during this time i found a new job and had to do nightshift and she said she was not happy with the night shift but accepted it as i was think about our future and try to get ahead in life due to our finical difficulties..
    In january this year my wife changed positions in her work place and then all of a sudden within a week this co worker told her how he felt about her and she feel for him
    she 30 he is 52..
    we went to marriage counselling but every time she was asked not to contact him and start to work on our marriage she would just lie to the therapist and me and done what she wanted.. long story short about a week ago she moved out as she said she was confused and need space and said to me that she wanted to be alone the next day i found out this guy was staying there… i done all the opposite to what was need to be done i got angry upset, needy and begging all within a week.
    i know that she is confused and needs help as she has been drinking heavily and smoking heaps but she tell her family she is happy with this new guy…
    i don't know what to do before she left she told me she loved me and cared for me but i don't know if its true as she has moved on with this new guy as he knew everything i did wrong in our relationship and is trying to do everything to make her happy
    Is this a rebound and if so how should i pursue it as i think in the last week i have made this situation worse by the how i have treated her

    regards

    Domenic

    Reply
  • Moving On

    Hi Kevin,

    Thank you for this information. Your website has been very insightful, helping me approach my breakup bewilderment in a more healthy and productive way.

    I'm interested to hear what you have to say about my situation. About 6 months ago my partner of three years broke off our relationship. I had just returned from a month long trip - something she had fair notice of and was okay with - and we had an anniversary. I sensed a bit of distance from her before I left and some when I returned. Nothing alarming or severe, just a little distance. We never argued or said hurtful things to each other. The only conflict we ever had involved her successive social activities that she'd commit to on short notice. I literally wouldn't see her for a week because she would last minute make plans to go out with friends every night. We got along so well otherwise, made each other laugh hysterically and were very physical. We were also in the early stages of buying a home. It was our dream and goal and I regarded her as my life partner. She had said to me "I've thought of you as one day being my husband." There was no ring, but the commitment was real and it was my intention to marry her after we bought a house.

    The breakup was random and blindsiding, occurring on her birthday after I took her out for dinner. She said that she was unhappy with us, had been for 3 months and didn't want to be with me. She said when I was on my trip she holed up at home, didn't hang out with anyone and envisioned herself in the future, realizing I'm not the person she should be with. We tried to talk a couple times after that and it was a mess. Lots of crying, her telling me "I'm doing this for me." She also told me I was amazing, wonderful and that she loved me which was the most confusing thing to hear. Foolishly, I contacted her a number of times over the course of the next 2 months. Most of it was about moving out, bills, etc. I texted her on Christmas and a few other times to tell her we should talk but she was defensive and not willing.

    Two months passed before we actually spoke to each other. She initiated the conversation but made it seem like she was doing me a favor. We met one night and spoke in her car. She seemed off, kind of aggressive and not like I had ever seen her. She informed me that she didn't think we ever had a connection, that she's not the person for me, she felt so alone with me, etc. All of this was just as blindsiding as the breakup. The following day I receive an email from her explaining she didn't feel comfortable talking about it in person, but a month after she broke up with me she started seeing someone and they were going to marry in the fall.

    I have since learned that she asked a friend of mine if she should tell me about the engagement before I heard it from someone else. He said yes, she should. That was the only reason she spoke to me after two months. I also learned she had been with new dude three weeks when the engagement happened and she moved in with him. She now lives in his house that looks just like the houses we were fixing to buy. Dude is a recovering alcoholic with domestic charges in his past. Mutual friends have severed their ties to this man, get an untrustworthy feeling from him or understand him to be a jerk. I personally don't know the guy, but information available on him doesn't reveal stellar character. I would say he's opposite of me in most ways.

    I know they're still together and that his rich family is backing her business endeavor, as she was fired from her job shortly after shacking up with the man. I know she has tried to insert new dude into areas of her life in replacement of me. I haven't seen or spoken to her since the engagement email. Initially, I was devastated by her behaviors. Now I see some pretty undesirable character flaws in her. All of it is still confusing. Why did she care how I learned about her engagement? Why was she in love with me for three years if we never had a connection? Why can't she let new dude organically become part of her life rather than inserting him into contexts I previously occupied? Sounds like a trainwreck rebound to me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yeah, that's a pretty messed up rebound. There's a good chance she will go through the wedding. I don't want to go into the reasons why I think like this. But I'll strongly recommend you concentrate on moving on.

      Reply
  • M

    He asked for some space in February after our 6th Anniversary. It was pretty much out of the blue since we were celebrating and the next week he told me he needed space, time...he continued to tell me he loved me and that he wasn't going to leave, he just needed space. Unfortunately I couldn't understand his need for space and I freaked out. I cried, called him crying, begged him to come back and work on whatever was going on with him. He broke up with me in the beggining of March. It was very hard for me to let him go so I tried to understand why was he suddenly so eager to leave me after telling me he loved me and that he wasnt going to leave. I decided to stop contacting him because our talks were confusing, one minute he said "You are my best friend" or "I love you" and the next minute he was saying that he still needed space and to be on his own. Fast forward I contacted him in April. He came home and we had a talk, he brought him my stuff over (I almost lived at his house three or four times a week) he told me I looked beautiful all the time and touched my face, pretty much acting like if he cared. I asked him if I could kiss him and he said he didnt know if that was right...after that he kissed me. He said I would never loose him but we could not be together at the time. Finally, a week after that I found out through Facebook that he is with another woman. We were not broken up two months and he was already jumping into another relationship. I confronted him and he lied about it, telling me it was a recent thing and he never cheated. Of course I can't believe this. If he didn't cheat on a physical level I am sure he cheated emotionally. My love for him changed...I think I still love him and I wish he could admit what he did, or at least say he is sorry but he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong. Well, kissing your ex when you know you are starting seeing somone is not OK. Leaving your girl of six years for someone you barely know isnt OK either. What do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey M,

      It's not OK what he did. But I doubt he left you for her. In most cases, people have someone lined up before they breakup just so they don't have to be single. This was probably the case with your ex. His relationship is a rebound and it'll probably end soon.

      Reply
    • M

      Thank you so much for your response...It's just so hard to understand how someone can tell you those things right in your face and lie. I am mad about how he handled things...I feel he doesnt even care about me anymore. Until I saw the picture I wanted him back but now I had to go no contact at all...how can I talk to him after he let me find out the truth in such a horrible way? Anyway...I just want to know what to do. In the back of my mind, I wish he could come back someday to tell me he is sorry. I just feel I am worthless and that I spent six years with someone who couldnt care less about me.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey M,

      First of all, he does care about you. What he did was a little cowardice. I guess he wanted to hide his new relationship from you because deep inside, he doesn't want you to move on. Breakups are hard for people. Even if they are the ones initiating it. There is a lot of confusion and mixed feelings. He simply didn't know how to handle it. I don't think you should hold it against him the way he handled the breakup and what he did after the breakup.

      As for what to do, you should just apply no contact, at least for 60 days. During no contact, you will realize whether or not you should get him back in your life.

      Reply
    • M

      Thank you so much for your advice...I really think you are right. I havent contacted him since after I saw the picture and I will not do it... so i will follow your advice. Hope you have a great day!

      Reply
    • M

      I am sorry...I was wondering, do you think I should lose all hope on this? Do you think he will still care or think about me or should I stop worrying and move on?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      M,

      I think there's hope. I mostly recommend people to follow the 5 step plan once and if it doesn't work move on. Or give yourself a time limit (say 3-4 months). If things don't work out by that time, give up on him and move on.

      Reply
  • Fiona

    Excuse me for my English,

    But after I read all of this I can say that I'm a little wiser now.
    My ex and I decided together to broke up because we didn't feel like that this relationship was working anymore. In that week we had a lot of contact, that we should remain friends. It felt like we've made a mistake and he was talking about all the memories we had.. We were together for five months but we did a lot of great stuff. Even meeting our parents. We decided to meet.. and it was fun we kissed and we hugged.

    The day after I feel confused and told him that I need some space because I was confused about my feelings. He told me that he understand and he asked me if we aren't go to hang out anymore.. I told him it needs time. He agreed..

    The day after he went to the pub en hang out with friends and he bumped in to a old friend and sunday he told me that he liked another girl. She also broke up with her boyfriend . 2 days after they had a relationship.. I was mad but I told him lots of luck and he did the same. He told me that this came all out of a sudden he meet her en she liked hem and vica versa. She is complete different than me... the opposite in all possible ways. I broke all the contact..

    I met his brother last week and we had a nice talk. He told me that everyone was surprised and that his mom missed me. He also told me that they look happy together.

    Is this rebound? Or could it be that he earlier met this old friend while we were together? Sometimes I had a strange feeling that I didn't trust him for the fully 100% but that could be because my last relationshp was two years ago.

    Greets,
    Fiona

    Reply
  • dumped

    Hi Kevin!

    Thanks for your website. It had really helped me. I want to share shortly my story and want to hear your opinion about it.

    We dated with my boyfriend 2,5 years, which half year we were engaged. Suddenly, out of nowhere my bf called me and told that he has been thinking about us and thought he doesn't want to continue. He said he has feelings for me but he was tired. I was trying to figure out what was going and realize why my bf was tired. Before he break up, I saw him with a girl whom he had get known that time when he said he doesnt want to continue.

    After three weeks our break up, I heard from bf sister that new girl and my ex has something going on and I was ripped apart. I was trying suicide( not smart move I know) but the pain was too much then. I met my bf in hospital and he was angry at me. We talked and he said he didn't planned to get with new girl. He told me that after we break-up, they slept together. After this, we kept in touch. My ex send me message that I was right when I said to my bf tht it was unfair that he decided all alone to end our relationship. He told me that he has feelings for me and he misses me. But he was hanging out with this new girlfriend. I asked about the new relationship what was it. He told me that they are dating but officially. Its now been 5 months our break up, I'm still hurting and trying to go forward in life but my ex is still in my heart and doesn't go away. I have been two weeks NC and I just wondering if my ex has really move on with his new girl and am I wasting my time. All what I remember what my ex had said, that he is confused that he has feelings for two girls, he said he knows its hard for me that he is with that girl, and he has said that he remember good memories of us. Sorry for big post!

    Reply
  • roxanne

    Hi kevin, thank you for creating this page. Helped me a lot. I broke up with my exbf about 10mos ago. We had a great relationship. But i had to end it because during the later part of our relationship, he became very neglectful, kept secrets, sexting his exes. It became too much to handle so I walked out on him. After the break up, we kept communicating although sporadically. I got busy with work and so was he. I did not want to see him that this time even if he asked because I was still in pain because of what happened and the break up. I finally agreed to meet up with him after 8 months of separation (april 2014). It went ok, we were friendly but I acted a little aloof on my part. I wanted him to feel that I was done chasing and exerting effort to get back. I felt that I owe that to myself. The meet up lasted for an hour with him wishing me well on my next relationship. He didn't speak to me since then - no texts or email. So i also went NC until now. 2 weeks ago, I found out he is dating somebody else because of their pictures together on FB(gf tagged him). I am hurt and sad. I dont know if this is a rebound relationship or something else. Im hoping it wont last long. At the back of my mind, I still want him back. Please advise me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's hard to say if it's a rebound since it has been 8 months. If you still want him, apply no contact for 2 more weeks and get back in touch.

      Reply
  • anonymous

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex is the kind that you described as the angry ex in another post, however, he has anger management problems. We broke up and about 2-3 weeks later I know he put himself up on a dating site. I did NC for a while and then randomly I would contact him. This happened maybe once or twice. He would tell me he was dating other girls and one time he offered to give me another chance but I didn't respond. He said he was supposed to see someone but he put that off to give me a first chance. Now I have texted him since Wednesday and he has been very rude to me and says leave me alone, I'm seeing other girls, but yesterday I called him after receiving 20 blocked calls. I was ready to hang up after asking him but he then started being very nice, asking what I did that day and told me that he has feelings and a heart and isn't emotionless. Then he started reminiscing on our past and my smile, but then the tone changed and he told me that I should move on, that I don't want to be with him and years later I would thank him. Then he said his personal life was a mess but when I asked why he wouldn't tell me, but at the same time he said he was seeing other girls. Anyways, talking to him made me go crazy and I ended up blowing up his phone which was a bad idea and he finally got angry and told me to leave me alone, he wants nothing to do with me, he gave me too many chances, hes seeing other girls. I told him about someone who had offered to set me up and he said I should go on the date. It seemed like he still cared, but then it also seemed like he didn't. I think blowing up his phone set him off. I am now back to the NC rule, but what are my chances? how should I proceed?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      If you decide to pursue him, you should be prepared to handle his hot and cold behavior and not react to it. If you react, you are hurting your chances.

      Reply
  • Donieke

    Hi Kevin
    My bf of 8 months told me he wanted a break because I am pushing him away. We still talk to each other even after he requested the break as we use to talk to each other everyday. He finally started avoiding my messages so I stop talking to him as well. 2 weeks passes without contact n out of the blues he texted me asking how I am and such, I tried playing cool and waited hours before replying to his simple messages but I now messed up. I had him around my fingers and did not know until now. I freaked out after I found out he was dating someone else within a week after we took a break. I confronted him about it n he denies her in every way n tells me she is just his friend he told me about. We have been having arguments on n off though. I also made a mistake when I started asking him to come back because everything seems like my fault. He gave me a ring n I three it away and he is over upset about it as well. Everything we had planned is now on pause, we were planning on moving in together anytime soon now but I guess that's all behind us now. Whenever I get out and curse him he begs me to stop pushing him far away than he is already. I honestly don't know what to do.

    Reply
  • Cody Brian

    I have some problems With my Ex she left me because of my Behaviour indeed we were in Relationship For 4 years or more and I use to scold her for some Reasons but i use to scold her because i use to care for her although a thing is that after we broke up she didnt want me and said she wants to br alone and she also Said she also Loves me and does take care of me but doesnt want relationship due to my behaviour and attitude i really love her and want her back as we also had the intimate part in our relationship as she use to help me now what i do to get her back please help

    Reply
  • June

    Hello Kevin,

    I was with my ex for 3 years and we broke up. We were each others first loves. We broke up but we were still kind of trying to figure things out. Then we stopped contact with each other and he meets this new girl like 3 months later and they start hanging out and eventually get together and become "official." We broke up in June, and stopped contact beginning of September. They meet around November / December and start hanging out. They became official in just April. I still love him and want him back. What do I do?

    He called me one night in January almost in tears telling me about the new girl and how she hasn't talked to him in a day because they got into an argument. He was comparing it to our old relationship. We used to still text, but like about a week or two ago, she got mad and said either to stop talking to her or me. He chose to stop talking to me, but said that he'll only be talking to me when she's not there. So in a sense, behind her back? But thing is, he says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't care about me anymore. I usually initiated the conversations, and he would too but not all the time. We just stopped talking. Do you think that she's just a rebound? Or is he really over me?

    Thanks Kevin.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey June,

      Considering he didn't jump into the relationship right away and he is letting her decide who he talks to, I'd say that he is pretty serious about his relationship. Although, from what you said, he is still not fully over you.

      Reply
    • June

      Should I try no contact anyways and see where it goes? Or should I just let them be and happy that he's happy? I've already started NC for a few days, but I just want him to be happy and I don't want to ruin his chances at happiness.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's for you to decide. You will realize what you should do during no contact.

      Reply
    • June

      Okay, thank you so much for your advice!

      Reply
    • June

      It's been almost 30 days since I started no contact. We spoke twice because it was concerning our dog. It's now summer and he still hasn't tried to contact me. What do I do? He's still with the new girlfriend, so he obviously isn't interested in me anymore, right? Or do I still have a chance given the history we have?

      Thanks Kevin.

      Reply
  • deiyaa

    my ex fiance got married two weeks after breaking off the engagement we have been togother for more then two years we had our problem. But we were madly in love and our wedding were supposed t take place in a month, so he got married t this girl he hardly know and he posted got married in his facebook wall maybe he is in a rebound but he got marriedg
    For real and I don't think he will divorce her even I would not want him to due t religious reason.

    Reply
  • Esther

    My ex changed his phone number. I read this is pretty much The End. He's moved on. Not as hurt as we thought.

    So Kevin, what do you suggest I do now? I was about to apply another month or two of NC, then ring him up or email. I'm now thinking about just emailing him a letter. Let it go, and maybe in the future we'll run into each other again. I did want closure. The problem with that is he might end up engaged ETC.

    Should I just let go? Continue NC?

    Reply
  • Mike

    Hey Kevin,

    Quick recap of my story. Me and my ex were together for 8 months, and I have been in NC for over 6 weeks since the breakup. She started seeing someone pretty much immediately, not sure if she left me for him or what.

    We met online, and I've been trying to meet someone new on there. So yesterday I noticed her profile was back up, but all the pics and info were gone. She was either looking at him to see if he has been on there, or looking at me. I think that's what she's doing anyway. I've seen her on there multiple times in the past day, and I'm pretty sure it means her rebound is starting to fall apart. I was thinking about sending her a quick message on there if I see her profile go back into full status. What do you think?

    Thanks!

    Reply
  • April

    Kevin,
    I was with this guy for 6 months and for the most part everything was great, but after a while the type of dates he wanted was not really what I wanted. So I let him know. He slowly started to disappear, but we maintained some sort of friendship for a little while after, and then it faded away. He made it known that he started to go on dates with someone, even wearing the clothes that I got him (maybe guys are different, but I know I would've thrown or given that away). Before I knew it, they were engaged within one month of dating. What strikes me is that 5 months later their engagement fell through and he tried to reconnect with me. I don't get this behavior. What does he want? What are his intentions? Sad thing is I know I was with a boy because he ran instead of communicating back to me. Yet I know I care about this guy a lot, but since I know I spoke up for a reason and don't appreciate being disrespected, I can't figure out his place in my life. Based on his previous response, I know it's best to keep my distance, but maybe we can just be friends since I know he makes for a better friend. Should I even engage in contact with him? I mean, a part of me does wonder was it me that caused him to run, or is he a natural runner? But if he's a runner, then why would he contact me again. To know the truth isn't even for the purpose of rekindling anything, but just for a sense of closure.

    Any ideas?
    -April

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      April,

      Personally, I don't think knowing the reasons for his actions will give you any closure. It might satisfy your curiosity, but it won't necessarily give you closure. The more you try to find the truth from him, the more confused you'll become. If you are looking for closure, you should apply no contact indefinitely.

      Reply
  • Erin

    My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me stating that he didn't want a relationship right now and didn't want a committment. He wanted us to stay friends, but I told him that I needed time to work through the breakup before I could consider that. Then a week later I found out that he started seeing his ex, who cheated on him before we started seeing each other. I am beyond hurt. Could this be a rebound? Or something more? I'm really confused.

    Reply
  • mano douwes

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been in a relationship with this girl for almost 14 months. We had a really great time. I lied to her about having another girlfriend before her, but i didn't and i was ashamed i didn't. I told her the truth later in the relationship and also told i was ashamed of not having one before. She was glad i told her the truth. After new year she broke up with me but we came back after 3 days so we didn't have any time to work on ourselfs. So we started dating for another 3 to 4 months again and now she broke up with me again a week ago. She said she misses the old me where she fell in love with in the first place and that if i become the old one again, she wil get back with me maybe. MAYBE. Some people i know say she still likes her other ex a LITTLE bit. So my parents tell me to just give up because this is the second time she broke up and if we get back together the 3rd time will also come. and friends of mine say that i just have to work on myself right now (parents told me that too) and see how it goes after a few weeks or a month. We both have past problems and i think those problems were bumping into each other which coused trouble for the both of us. She also said yesterday she wanted less contact. so i decided to no contact her at all, and will first talk to a terapist within a week and a half about my past problems. she also gets help with her problems in the next weeks. So my questions are: should i try it after a few weeks or a month, or do i just have to let it go and give up? also do you think she will go in a relationship with her other ex for a rebound or a permenant relationship?

    thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mano,

      Whether or not you should try again is for you to decide during the no contact period. Your therapist will definitely help you make the decision. If she goes into a relationship with her ex, then it's probably not a rebound. Although, it doesn't necessarily make it a permanent relationship.

      Reply
    • mano douwes

      Alright thanks for the advice. Also i forgot to mention a few things. Her best friend (girl) who is Also a friend of mine and she told me that it is probably not True that she likes her other ex. That the change she still has feelings for me is bigger then the change she likes her other ex. Also a few days ago she told me she still liked me bus she misses the old me and she Will back with me if i be the old One maybe (i think i said this before). So my questions are: feelings can't fade right away right? And does no contact really work for me even in this situation?

      Reply
    • mano douwes

      Quick update Kevin,

      I texted her how she was doing after her appointment with her terapist bus she said it is tomorrow. I Also called her (She agreed that i could call her) and i talked like i was doing great (i am sort of) and she said she didn't have any feelings for her other ex anymore. I could tell by her voice she was telling the truth so i now go back in no contact to see what is going to happen

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it does work for you. And talking to her best friend is not a good idea. Her best friend is also probably telling her about the fact that she spoke to you and it's going to make you look like a stalker.

      Reply
  • Ryan

    Hi Kevin, love the work you're doing here. I just wanted to ask a question about whether you agree with my situation.
    My girlfriend and I dated for a total of 3 months. We were "seeing" each other for the first month, but that was totally exclusive, like we'd stay round each other's places, met each other's friends, and would gradually get more intimate, and then after making it "official" we were together for the last 2 months, meeting each other's parents, all the things a boyfriend/girlfriend normally do.

    We broke up on reasonable grounds: she's going through a lot of personal problems right now with health and mental state, and she kinda unloaded that onto me, and she felt guilty that she wasn't treating me properly. She'd be snappy/curt/cold, and she knew I was suffering for it. On reflection we also realised that we didn't have that much in common, so i guess our relationship was built mainly on attraction which i know isn't ideal, but we still made it work for a while. I add that I would try and take an interest in her things, like reality TV, because I loved her and wanted to be interested in her likes. Her state of mind made her a little self-centred and unempathetic, so she'd never take an interest in mine (I'm sure you can see why it had to end). The break up was very clean and mutual: i knew i was suffering and thought maybe we could work it out, but we talked it through and realised there was no fix.

    We were quite private about our relationship on FB, only one picture, she posted on my wall once to ask if my phone had died, i'd posted on her birthday, no statuses about one another and not even "in a relationship" though all friends/family knew we were. She said she doesn't like posting personal things on Facebook.

    Less than 2 months after we broke up she posted a picture of herself with a new guy, and within 2 weeks of that she's "in a relationship" with him, posting many pictures and statuses and seems much happier with him. Do you think this could be a rebound? My reasons for thinking so is that we took time to develop our feelings for one another (that first month) and took things slowly, we had our problems but were very close. The breakup was very difficult for her. She has definitely rushed things with this guy (they've been together now for about a month) are "in a relationship" on Facebook and she's being very over-the-top with her openness on social media about him in general. She's known him for a while as he's from the town where she lives, they were in high school together (we both study at university which is a 3 hour drive from her hometown, he still lives there). Any help/advice/insight you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Looks like a rebound to me.

      Reply
    • Ryan

      Thanks Kevin. Let me add to this that the week before she initially posted the picture of herself with her now-boyfriend I saw her at a nightclub making out with some guy that is NOT the guy she's currently dating, and also looking over at me in between kisses (I was there with my sports team, she was there for a friend's birthday and we knew by that point of the night that each other was in the club). And then a week later, she's all of a sudden with her guy. Does this strengthen the fact it could be a rebound? And she was definitely looking over at me, our breakup was clean, can you think of a reason why she very blatantly looked over at me?

      Reply
    • Ryan

      Also, she broke up with me

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes it does. She wanted to send you a message that she is moving on. But if she needs to do that, then she probably isn't over you yet and is quite immature.

      Reply
    • Ryan

      I guess. I had the feeling she might have an immaturity about her, her current state of mind could make her this way or bad experience from a previous relationship might make her treat her exes this way. She's not openly hurting me, that was just a subtle thing. And of course she's now got a new guy now so it doesn't matter; if she's happy then good for her, that's all I want for her anyway, before now and in the future. I'd be naive to say that just because it's a rebound it won't work, I'm aware it very well could, but in that just-less-than 2 month period since us breaking up and her getting this new guy she would contact me from time to time. Like we were at a party together and after I'd left she texted me to say she was upset and had no-one to talk to. I didn't call her to talk or anything, just asked what was wrong, but got no response. Even the night after I saw her making out with that guy she texted to say she saw me last night and if I had a good night. I responded but got nothing back. My friends all seem to think she has been manipulating my attention by doing things like this, as she only gets in touch when it suits her like when she's been upset etc. Of course if something is genuinely wrong I'd talk to her, but I have just 2 more questions:
      1. do you agree with what my friends have said in regards to a slightly manipulative behaviour from her?
      2.In hindsight i shouldn't ever have responded to her and have been in no-contact for about a month now, even though she's snapchatted me in that time (I didn't respond). IF it were to break down between them and she contacted me what would you suggest I do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      1. Yes
      2. Yes, you shouldn't have contacted her. It seems she is texting you just to see if you are there for her and once she realizes that you are, she feels satisfied and doesn't respond to you anymore. If they breakup, and she contacts you, you can talk to her but don't show neediness and ask her to get back with you immediately.

      Reply
  • Zee

    Hi Kevin, today I realized I shouldn't be with the man I have dated for 4 years. We just got back from a short vacation in Europe. The trip was a getaway from our hectic lives and he wanted to find out if I will be ready to marry him in 6 months. We have never lived together. I have never been introduced "formally" to his friends because he always said it wasn't the best time because of our situation. He is actually my client and I am a senior executive in my company. We got back from Europe and he travelled to a wedding in Atlanta. He has been away for about a month and I felt his house needed some thorough cleaning. I arranged for a cleaning outfit but spoke to his PA to be in the house. I stopped by before the cleaning started and when I got to his room, I found a card addressed to "my princess" with so many lovely handwritten words. I was shocked because he doesn't call me a princess. I played pranks with the PA and found out he has been in a relationship with a girl and she practically lives with him 4 days in week. I don't visit him so I will never know. I only visits once in 6 months because of my busy schedule and I have never been a fan of visiting men I date. Keven, I don't know what to do. I am in total shock because this is a man I have waited for, for 4 years. I have invested so much of my time in this relationship. I have learned to be very patient even when am not supposed to. Please advice me. I have called him and told him everything I know and I have asked him not to contact me when he gets back. I am so disappointed.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Zee,

      I am sorry that it happened. I hope you are not thinking of getting back together with him. I know you've invested 4 years but you should be glad that you eventually found out about this and now you can leave him behind and try to move on.

      Reply
  • Tim

    Just thought I'd send some prayers to everyone here. I know there's a lot of hurt and internal conflict and misery here and my recent heartbreak certainly feels insignificant to many of these stories.

    As for my ex, after 5 and a bit months she's still been simultaneously hiding her relationship (ie, "it's not official") and rubbing it in my face (all kinds of tweets, photos of parties with him/things we used to do, etc).
    I imagine she's over me by now too as I haven't been able to stay NC because I have to see her in college every day and she just starts conversations at me. It's prolonged the healing process a lot. I don't know what she wants from me.

    Oh well. I guess I just need to grin and bear it.
    Still, reading everyone's stories has made me feel less alone. Thank you all.

    Reply
  • kate

    hello, my ex boyfriend dumped me after 4 years, i started a nocontact for 2 weeks then he contacted me, he told me that he ws with someone else but still in love with me, and he wanted me back. we were back for one week! then he told me that he is always with tath girl and he wants to break up with me! I don't know anymore what to do! I think it is not anymore a rebound relationship maybe he is serious with her! do you think i have to move on? ps: i'm in no contact for 3 weeks now

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think it's still a rebound relationship. If he decides he wants you again, don't be so quick in taking him back. Let him fight for you and prove that the really means it.

      Reply
  • Angelina

    Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I of 6 years decided breakup. He is a very honest person and said he started having feelings for someone else, but that he still loved me but it seemed like it was no longer "in love", but then he explains that it's possible to love to people and describes are love as a garden with many plants and what he feels for this new girl as a single planted seed. What is strange to me is that this new girl is very similar to me just younger, he even said to me when he meet her that she reminds him of me when I was her age. He initially didn't like her but she had her eyes set on him and kept making her move, which made me feel insecure so I expressed my concern and so he talked to her and said he didn't like her that way but I feel like that fueled her even more and she kept on pushing and making her moves on him till it made me really upset and insecure and really put strain in our relationship. To the point where my ex said I was pushing him towards her cause I caused him stress and she didn't. It's been about a month and I pretty sure they are dating I haven't asked cause I am sure he wouldn't want to tell me. I have implicated no contact but what should I think of this?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You shouldn't spend your energy thinking about it. It'll lead to nothing. It's good you applied no contact. Even if he is with that girl, it's probably a rebound and it won't last long.

      Reply
  • Godfrey

    My girl and I split after 6yrs on and off, we lived together for about a year but her jealousy pushed me to leave, so we get back together again and we carry on our reletiknship but she always accused me of seeing my ex ex, then we stopped talking for a whole month and I find out she has a new man in her life and she has been seeing him for a least three months.. Is this a rebound .. When I found out I told her I knew about it and she just stopped replying to me , what should I do

    Reply
  • Pat

    Hi Kevin,
    I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years but at the end of the first year she started to become very depressed. This was due to her being in a foreign country, away from her really close friends (she had been here 2 years before I met her) and, after she moved cities to be with me, couldn't find a job.
    I need to mention that after she called it quits, we continued to live together as flatmates (and have done for two years). This has been a non physical, normal flatmate arrangement and we get on, what I think, really well.
    I need to stay, as I was really worried that if she didn't have someone there to look out for her, she wouldn't get better. She has said (a fair bit) over these last two years that I need to move on. She said she hadn't and wouldn't until she felt better.
    Recently she has been very moody and has spent a lot of time in her room....then, the other day, said that she has moved on. I don't know if it's somebody from this country or from somewhere else but, she hasn't started going out (yet) and although I really want to ask her who/where this bloke is/from...I don't want it to kill me anymore than it is.
    I love her to bits.... I see her everyday so the NC rule is not possible.
    I cant think straight but am trying to be the "fun" flatmate and she's agreed to come to a couple of shows with me. This is the first time she has agreed to go out (as friends) for over a year. apart from a club and couple of courses, she has always locked herself away at home.
    I'm thinking that she has emotionally written me off....and I, though I honestly want to she her happy, want her to see me as the one guy that was always there for her...
    I'm at a loss......

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Pat, you need to get out of this situation and find yourself another place. You have been worrying about her for two years. What did you get? She moved on. Now, you need to put your happiness before her. Do anything and everything you can do to make yourself happy. You were always there for her, and she didn't consider your feelings. You need to stop trying to rescue the "Damsel in distress" and find someone who is happy and who can make you happy.

      Reply
    • pat

      Hi Kevin,
      Problem is, I have a lease until the end of the year.
      She hasn't thrown it in my face and has been (apart from a little moody) ok and not tried to make me feel worse than I already do.
      I'm just hoping that she'll see me for me...but I know she can't do that unless I'm not there to be missed.
      I've had break ups before (not that many to be fair) and I know the world still turns, but there something keeping me there....it has for the last two years....and, yes, part of it could be her being the "Damsel in distress" but, before she told me that she's found this guy, I was fairly happy. Yeah...I'm guessing she wasn't.
      I'm thinking that there is not hope getting her back?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Pat,

      Isn't there a way to end the lease sooner? I think there is little hope, but only if you move out and stop being there for her all the time.

      Reply
    • pat

      Hi Kevin,
      I came home last night and had a good talk with her. She said what a wonderful guy I am...that she tells all her friends that...but still, she has made her mind up...she never wavers, even if she's wrong.... I said that it would be best to move out (90% of the stuff here is mine...it's much easier for her to move and I really want her to miss me) but she doesn't want too. Yeah...I need to go.
      She does care for me...but has made her mind up and can only look at me as a friend and flatmate.
      I'm looking for places...she does need to miss me but, in all honesty, I don't she any hope in her coming back to me. It is a horrible time and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
      I haven't ever been as affected as bad as this.
      I know there will be someone out there for me...but that doesn't really help at the moment.
      I am applying as much of the no contact rule as possible...
      I wish with all my heart that she would want to be part of my life...but, she knows how I feel and it's up to her now.
      I fair all is lost....such a waste

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Things will get much better once you move out and start no contact.

      Reply
  • himmer

    break up with me for someone else we did have not sex in 6 moths he says i'm bored never go out and the new guy he like to go out the opposite of me is that a rebound ?

    Reply
  • Jill

    Hi Kevin,

    So my ex broke up with me six weeks ago, because he got scared of how committed our relationship was. I just found out from him today that he's seeing someone and was really surprised as I still think it's so soon considering how serious our relationship was. He said he met her a couple of weeks ago and they've seen each other a couple of times, but I also happen to know that they have already slept together. He still wants me in his life and has arranged to call me to catch up later in the week. When he was telling me about the girl he said it wasn't anything serious and he couldn't see it going anywhere. Do you think this is a rebound? I read everything above, but he wouldn't have volunteered the information about this new girl to me without me asking and he didn't seem too keen on telling me about her. What do you think?

    Reply
  • Alex

    Hi there,

    I read all this but I just don't know. I broke up with my ex and found out later on two weeks after our relationship that he was dating someone else. We have been together in a four year relationship, long distance but at the same time he said he was angry and the situation changed. They've been seeing each other since March 10th and I've finally just given up.
    The first month of dating they were already confessing their love on Twitter, posting song lyrics to each other and now I'm confused if this is really love or just a rebound and that I should just go NC to wait it out but at the same time heal.

    Reply
  • Lexi

    Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I were together for nearly 5 years. We had a close relationship and I had a good relationship with his family. They all thought we would eventually get married. He dumped me 6 days ago on facebook chat. He changed his status to single write away on facebook. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face. He said he didn’t love me anymore. When we were discussing this I asked if we were still friends at least? He didn’t respond, but then the next day he randomly messaged me and said that yes we can still be friends. I did not respond to this and will not be contacting him even though I feel like I didn’t get a whole lot of closure as I didn’t speak with him face to face. I was beginning to accept this but then 4 days after he broke up with me he changed his status on facebook to 'in an open relationship'! Does that mean he has already started seeing someone else?? I have looked at his facebook and he still has photo albums up with me in them. I don't understand how he could just have met someone else already especially as he works like crazy and his parents hadn't even been aware that we had broken up until I told them. Even though it's making me nuts I haven't contacted him to ask if he's seeing someone else. I haven't said anything to him since the break up.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's possible that he is seeing someone else. You are doing the right thing with no contact. If he starts calling you constantly, let him know you need some space and time to deal with the breakup.

      Reply
    • kelly

      I'm so glad you ignored him if he loves you he will beg for you .
      I went through similar situation my partner at the time left me basically to be with someone else he recently phoned saying he wanted to marry me at the same time he was trying to get rid of her it hurt me I couldn't stop brining it up but lately I have stoped begging him or calling him for I shouldn't have to be brave I also joined the gym which help .

      Reply
  • Mike

    Kevin,

    GF of 6 years, one child together, ended it a couple weeks ago. We have been fighting our way through the struggles of raising a child while attending college and working. Childcare is expensive, so we alternate schedules in order for one of us to stay with our daughter. We both worked at a bar and worked on weekends, as well as during nights of the week. We didn't see much of each other, but when we did, it was amazing.

    She has been extremely vocal about wanting to be married for a few years now. I expressed my desire to wait until I graduate and can provide a little more stability for our family. I wanted to be able to ask her for her hand knowing that I could provide the type of lifestyle each of us want. I graduate in two months... Had the ring custom made from jeweler out of Colorado, and planned on asking her to marry me in September/October of this year.

    Things got hectic toward the end. She was working a lot and was getting stressed out. I tried to talk with her about it numerous times, but vague answers were all I would get. At first I would look past the distancing, but then I started getting frustrated and we would start fighting. Of course, the fighting got worse because I wasn't getting the answers I wanted and she wasn't getting the answers she needed either.

    She told me she thinks we need to go our separate ways, and within a week I was all moved out. I couldn't believe it. Here I was planning to spend my life with this woman, and now its nothing. I broke every rule in the book, and look like a needy slop-tart.

    She told me that there was nobody else, and at first I believed her. However, I've recently discovered that there most certainly is someone else in her life. I don't know how serious it is, or how long its been going on. She was staying at his house on the nights that I would watch our daughter. Rebound? Maybe... Maybe not. I really don't know what the relationship is like because she doesn't say anything about it to me. She doesn't take much caution hiding it, she just doesn't talk about it.

    She never really gave a concrete reason as to why she has decided to part ways. She just said that she wasn't happy and that she wanted to be married. She said, "if you really wanted to marry me, you would have found a way." I've been busting my back-side trying to get through school so that I could make her my life partner. It has put enormous amounts of stress on us both having to alternate schedules in order to make things work. Yet, we made if 6 years...

    I applied the no-contact rule yesterday, but mind you, I violated each and every rule of the 5-steps. Hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my 30 years of life, without a doubt. I don't know if its a rebound relationship with her new guy, or what the deal is there. Devastating, to say the least...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mike,

      Sorry you are going through this. I hope things work out for you. I think her new relationship is most probably a rebound and you shouldn't worry about it much.

      Reply
  • Fred Jenkins

    It's been 7 weeks. She called at two weeks to say she doesn't think we should talk for awhile. I had just sent an apology letter realizing what I had done wrong, but other than that had gone/been quiet. She started calling a couple weeks ago to ask random questions or if I'd bring my dog to her pet store.

    After about 1.5 weeks, she'd called three times texted a couple, I decided to call on the way to work. I got a "I'm seeing someone, we're done talking, don't ever talk to me again"

    Lasted till that evening when she called and woke me up at 11:30 pm and was on the phone for 40 minutes. She texted next day to see if I'd bring the dog into her store. I said I was off hiking for the weekend with a friend. 4 minutes later "Why do you not say "with my friend xyz" like it's a ridiculous pet peeve but saying with a friend seems cold and distant. If you really think it's going to upset me if it's a girl I don't care"

    When I didn't respond for a couple hours:
    "Sorry. Have a good weekend we'll talk soon"

    Feels like a rebound. I've been busy working on myself, I got really depressed last winter and didn't let her in. Met her two years ago. Curious on other opinions.

    Reading your "Sneaky Signs Your Ex Still Loves You (Even If They Say They Don’t)"
    she seems to fail a few of them.

    Reply
  • skeptical

    im a bit skeptical of all of this. the entire scheme here sounds like immature games.

    Go from this page of rules to that page of rules and back and forward. and what if the ex has read another website or talked to friends with a different set of such strategies. The games could go on for years. if any two people are involved in this type of thing ...maybe they arent mature enough for a relationship in the first place. Nothing beats straightforward honesty, its less hassle all round and if you are both playing such games then what does that really say ?

    I say forget all the games. You go to your ex and say straight up "im not going to play a lot of games, this is how it is.. i still want to get back, but we need to have some time to think about it. we broke up for particular reasons so we should ask why. If we start playing a lot of games its likely we will never get back together if we want to, so lets just take some time to think about it.. say a couple of weeks or so.. then have another meetup and be straight with each other about the whole thing. Maybe there are things that would have to change and we can have a rational discussion about whether such changes are possible, given our situations"

    See very simple.. but perhaps for adults only ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Thanks for your comment and your insights. I know it seems like the plan is meant to be about playing mind games, but if you notice, a huge part of the plan (Step 2) is about self realization and self-improvement. And I think you'll agree everyone (even adults) can benefit from that.

      Also, in most cases, when you tell your ex you want to get back, they will most probably put their defense up (especially if they were the one who broke up). It's not because they want to play mind games, but simply because it's human nature to try to be consistent with their decision.

      Reply
  • Edward

    Hey Kevin,

    About a year ago I ran into my first crush. She is 35 im 28 she saw that I had grown up a lot since I was 18 and was immediately attracted to me. We fell madly in love right away and dated for a year. We had such passionate love and were truly best friends. She told me so many times That she loves me with her whole heart and never felt this way about anyone and I would have to be the one to leave her cause she could never even think about it. We were soulmates n I can't even describe how true it was. I however was constantly jealous and played mind games w her a lot. I let her down constantly. She cried all the time to her family saying how much she loved me n her dad told me so I know its true. So here's where the question comes into play. She dated this guy alex for two years before me. He stalked her for the whole year we dated he texted her all the time. She never answered. She told me she never loved him her dad said he was no good and they always broke up. He smashed her phone, threatened to put naked pictures of her online. She said the whole time they dated she was depressed and it wasn't even a relationship. She might olny see him 2 Times in a whole months. Two weeks ago we broke up and literally two days after she was back with him. I know she still loves me she admitted it. She says I pushed her away. She says she wishes I didn't do this to the relationship. I know she doesnt love this guy im way better looking she always said he was ugly. So so far ive begged pleaded left vmails done everYthing I should not do. She blocked me on Facebook but did not change her profile pic to them. Her family loved me and wants us to get back together they hate him. Im so crushed I miss her so much I truly love her w all my heart and would b different if I had another chance. She says she wishes I could still b the man Iwas she she fell In Love w me but doesnt think I can. I can't stand the thought of her being w this guy n just miss her. I thought I would marry her. Is there any hope? What should I do I can't describe to you the pain I feel. I can get other women but I Just don't want anyone else.

    Reply
  • Jovan

    Hi, I wrote something earlier but i have another question. So I went 30 days NC, she contacted me once, and after a month and something i sent her a message about a TV series we watched together and i said "hope you're fine" she replied just "Yes i am. Hope you're too" so i waited for some time and i gave her a call. We chatted for some time and i asked her if she wants to go out for a coffee so we can catch up, she said she'll see if she has any plans and she'll give me a call i said no problem. She didn't give me a call. What should i do, please? :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Wait another week. Chat with her again. This time, don't ask her out immediately. Keep in touch with her for a few weeks before asking her out again.

      Reply
  • Rob

    My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with with an email message at exactly the 2 year mark of our relationship. She would not answer my call or text messages on the day she sent the email. I basically had to reason with her to get her to talk to me. During this conversation she told me "why be without someone who you don't want to marry." Granted the month before she had picked out her engagement ring and was talking about it all the time. So I gave her the "break" she requested. Granted the day after she work the breakup email she texted me "I didn't mean to hurt you." I wrote back that I understood. 2 weeks went by and she contacted me that she needed us to meet up so that she could the things she left at my house and to give me back my key. I agreed but she broke the original date. When we finally meet up at a neutral place on Valentines Day she was cold and distant. Didn't went to engage me in anyway. She just wanted to do the exchange and leave, But she did mention the dating profile that I had re-activated. I told her I only did it because I was hurt and that she would not talk to me. Told her that I really don't want to be on that site and that I loved her. Well after the exchange she texted me on my way home saying thanks. I replied with "please stop contacting me" and "run run run away". I was at my end with her. Anyways a few more weeks go by with no contact. She contacts me again saying that I still had something of hers at my place. I realized that a few weeks back but didn't want to bother her seeing how bad our last interaction went. I emailed her saying that I could bring her item to her one day the follow week and that I missed having her in my life. Her response was that she missed me too but needed to get some things in her life straight. Seems like a break though. But I was wrong. So another month goes by and while on Facebook I see she is tagged in a pic in a hugging pose with another guy. And this guy made the pic is profile pic. So I text her and ask if she has moved on and that I thought we were at least going to talk. She said she was wrong for emailing me when she broke things off but I was wrong for the things I said afterward. She also said she told her family and friends that I was a good person but we were not right for each other. I am like what? She said she has moved on. I blew up in the follow-up text messages and I probably will regret that but I am human and still in love with her. Next thing I see is that she changes her Facebook profile pic to the one of her and the new guy. Literally 30 mins after I said something to her about it. She is not one to live her life over Facebook so I found this odd. She basically had the same profile pic up when I meet her until I said something for 2 years. And the new guy is totally different. A different race and has a daughter. She always told me she would not date someone with kids. Is this a rebound? She is awfully cold to me. Should I just give up and move on? She is 34 and I am 40. Tod her yesterday that I hated her.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it's probably a rebound. It's upto you to decide whether you should move on or not. That's why you should implement the no contact rule for at least 30 days.

      Reply
  • George McGee

    Hey Kevin

    Me and my ex were dating a little over 2 years and about a week after she broke up with me , she already found another man. I started doin the no contact but it was short it was about 2 and a half weeks because she asked me to see her for our b- day and btw we had a very good time and she loved the gifts I got for her, after that we saw each other two more times later on in that week but idk if her relationship is a rebound because she liked this guy before we met and another thing is she said he's a nice guy and always makes her laugh she " loves him" Now I don't know what to do I really want to have her back and I am changing for the better cause she means so much to me. Should I start the no contact again ? And btw they been goin out for almost a month already :( and they changed the fb status.. I really want her back please help.

    Reply
  • Jake

    Hi Kevin,
    Me and my ex girlfriend were dating for 6 years before she broke up with me 2 weeks ago because of parents putting too much pressure on her. I'm 25 years old and she is 24. I immediately applied the no contact rule and she tried contacting me asking me how I am but I did not reply, but during this two weeks I found out that 3 days after the break up she started talking to an old friend from her country. We had many arguments about him and she used too say that she hasn't seen him in 5 years but I found out it wasn't true as she went out with him several times while on vocation last year. Also when she broke up with me she told me her father bought her a one way ticket to her country and I found out that wasn't true either and that she bought the ticket her self a week earlier. She doesn't know that I know all of this. Yesterday she tried contacting me several times again and I didn't reply. Should I answer or even tell her that I know all of this? I want her back and don't know how to proceed and would like your help. Thank You

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jake,

      If you have been in no contact since the breakup, how do you know all these things? If you've been keeping tabs on her (via mutual friends or checking her emails or facebook), then you are not really following the no contact rule. And if you found out all these things after the breakup, then you should not tell her you know all this. She will sort of freak out when she finds out that you have been investigating her and it'll make you look creepy.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    Me&my ex were together for 8 years with two kids. I cheated on him 2-3 years ago&he recently found out of September 18th 2013 so he broke up with me&i apologized to him every single day have him comfort but all he did was ignored me. So finally I decided to leave then two days later he came back to begged me plead me everything but I liked someone else. But this guy was a rebound because he helped me stop thinking about me&my ex whenever I was with him. Well my ex kept begging me but I would just ignore him&he would text me nonstop call me nonstop. This was going on for about 3 months so I decided to finally give in&give him another chance. So we were working things out and all but then he starts talking to his co worker&now they are in a relationship. I kept crying begging everything that he did when I left him. So now I am stuck. I let it interfere with my work life. I was depressed couldn't eat nothing. We still see eachother but lately I've calm down from crying and all of that.

    Reply
  • amy

    What if I already, after the break-up , went all desperate texts/phone calls followed by 21 days NC..then 2 weeks of texts/phones then NC for 10 days? (I sounded needy, way too rollercoaster-y and sometimes angry and desperate BIG TIME)Would this possibly still work?

    Reply
  • mahesh

    Hi Kevin,I had read your all 5 steps but unfortunately i think its bit late for me,i am 23yrs of age and my ex is 22,we were together since 6 months from june2013 to dec13,but my possessiveness ruin our relation though i love her very very much,we were working together but break up cause me to leave the organisation which I was seeking from last 3years,after that i had tried to contact her in every possible from message to email,since last 4 months i was continuously text her because i thought time shouldn't run away but she feel it very irritating and start to hate me more than she loved me,we were in great relationship but my few mistakes asked me to pay heavy price,but i really love her and she had also loved me alot,and i desperately want her back so please please help me out

    Reply
  • Natasha

    Hi Kevin,
    I need some advice! I broke up with my boyfriend about four weeks ago and he contacted me saying he'll give me a week to decide if we should get back together, but when the day came and I made up my mind on wanting to be with him, he said we should just be friends. He say's that he still loves me and calls me baby when we talk to each other, he also told me when I broke up with him that nobody is going to love you like I do! But there is a problem that started in our relationship, I was getting jelouse of his best friend who is a girl in high school and about to graduate, she is 18, and My ex is 22 and they known each other since childhood, he told me that I had nothing to worry about, he isn't attracted to her and he called me an idiot because he only loved me. I feel like my ex has second thoughts about us getting together he says there is still hope but I feel like there isn't anymore, he dropped a bomb on me couple of days ago telling his best friend that he loved her, and she told him that she loved him back yet they can only be friends right now because she likes someone else, this is while I was trying to get back with him and he knew that I loved him. I'm in love with this guy and I don't know what to do, the best thing is to move on but I love him too much to move on, he still asks me who i hang out with, and if I hanging out with guys, we've been together for 4 months and I need some great advice, please help me I'm in desperate need of help I don't want to loose him and I feel like each day passes I'm loosing him!

    Reply
  • Isabel

    Hi Kevin
    Recently my 2 1/2 relationship with my boyfriend was broken off. He broke it off because he "fell out of love" with me. But he believes that he and I can remain best friends. What I'm confused about is four days later he had moved on to a new girl and they're currently dating. I am very unsure what to do because I feel as if our spark is still there. Or am I just bringing myself false hope.

    Reply
  • Jaclyn Liebl

    My ex boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 5 months. It would have been a year and 6 months in 2 days. He dumped me over Spring Break, on TEXT because he got mad at me that I forgot to do something. So he dumped me.. This has happened before but I went back to him. I know. Dumb mistake. But anyways, it's been killing me. When he dumped me 2 days later he told me there was another girl he likes. That girl turned out to be his little sister's best friend that she's known since 2nd grade. That girl is 14. My ex is 18. I am so heartbroken. We really fell in love with each other. He told me he would never leave me for another girl, that I was the most beautifulest and cutest girl he knows and then he says it to her. I was his longest relationship. Now 2 weeks later (yesterday) I see him and that girl walking and holding hands. I screamed so loud and yelled as loud as I could bursting into tears. I was in my friends car so my ex couldn't hear me. He hugged her for a bit then they walked away. 2 WEEKS LATER he gets another girlfriend! I have been so depressed not eating, nightmares, and I'm trying to get over it, and I see him all happy with her and he left me here broken.. I really don't know what to do. I'm freaking out and want to just end this. He's 18 and she's 14 which is pretty gross. But when he dumped me, that same night he started to talk to her. My friends tell me that she is a rebound and I'm confused. I hate seeing them together. But I'll eventually get over him. He told me last week that he was still in love with me, Had feelings for me, and that he really misses me. He wanted me to kiss him but I rejected.. I don't know if shes a rebound and if he'll come crawling back or what. That girl and him are COMPLETELY different. She's very girly and bubbly and I'm darkish and not that girly. He is a dark person as well, just like me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You need to apply no contact for at least 30 days. I know it sucks but you need to become learn to be happy in your life without him before you try to get him back.

      Reply
    • Jaclyn Liebl

      I've been trying very hard. He saw me today and he was walking his girlfriend to class and I was walking alone. He kinda looked like he missed me the way he looked at me according to my friends, I didn't look at him

      Reply
  • edward

    Hi Kevin,
    Sorry about a week ago I saw a text from a guy on my gf's phone and got disappointed that she was planning to hangout with him and when I asked to see all her other texts between them she said she deleted them because it would've made her feel uncomfortable if I saw it. I felt like she was hiding something but didn't want to fight about it. We didn't talk much after that then all of a sudden, 3 days later, I call her and she says she wants to get close to someone else; the guy she's been texting. Im 26, she's 29. I panicked and rushed to her house and begged for her not to. We've been together for over two years officially, but 5 years we had feelings for each other. I had no idea this was coming so I offered that we take a break if I still had a chance in the end. She made a lot of reasons why but rambled. Mostly she said she fell out of love with me. During the break we were still talking and texting and seeing each other. We would go out to lunch and even had a day where we enjoyed ourselves again in bed. I would also write her cards and drop off flowers to her house each day. Now almost a week after this fake break I tell her we should take a real break after seeing this website. She tells me not to wait for her and she wants to continue seeing this guy. She cries each time I write her a card that I'm so devastated, but she wants to rush into a relationship with him now and not even spend time to reflect on us. Im now gonna apply the no contact rule, but is this a rebound. How can she fall out of love with me after almost 5 years of feelings for each other that she can surprise me one day and want someone new?? Sorry for the long comment I just your help.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's probably a rebound. People lose feelings and there is a good chance she cheated on you while she was in the relationship. You should do no contact to learn to be happy without her. Think hard before getting back with her. Even if your relationship had problems, she chose to leave you instead of working on them. Do you really see a long term potential with her?

      Reply
    • edward

      She promised me she wasn't cheating, she just allowed herself to accept texts from another guy. There coworkers. Shes such a beautiful gal and we did have our more than our fair share of fights. I've been changing however for us, but yes it did seem like she gave up "fell out of love" This new guy is 23. Younger than me and she said she wants kids and to get married. I can't get her pregnant because of my infertility problems but we always would talk about being together for a long time and even settling down and have kids through a donor. Does she expect for a younger guy to really settle down? When we had a fake break last week she still would check my facebook and read my messages and chats and would get mad that I'm telling the world our problems. But since applying the nc rule last night she still texts me and wants to know what i've been doing and when my days off are? I'm so confused. But yes and want us to get back together and have a stronger relationship.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If she continues texting you, tell her you need space and time right now.

      Reply
    • edward

      Hey kevin,
      So I followed the no contact rule for over 30 days from which time she had tried to get in contact with me through fb. About 3 wks back during the no contact period she texted me that she hasn't done anything intimate with the person she's seeing. Well finally wrote a handwritten letter after nc period and called her a few days later. She said she'd want to catch up and even was open to tell me her schedule and what she was doing. I called her that night to confirm us catching up and she said she wanted to call me later that evening as she was still busy. She never ended up calling me back and that was on Tuesday. It's Thursday now and I called but she canceled my call on the fourth ring??? I texted a few minutes later and still have no response. I'm not trying to come off as needy at all, but how can I even get her to meet up with me when I know she's willing to but maybe her new bf is tying her down? I just want to catch up and move on to meeting with her. Please let me know what I should do

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Edward,

      Switch to another medium of communication. Like facebook or email. Don't pressure her into meeting you. Just stay in touch and wait till her relationship falls apart.

      Reply
  • michael

    so 7 ys ago i met this girl online. we live in different states (me northwest she 's in the East) and fell in love - the first real love we both had. we got together again 9 months ago. were really in love again. in the meantime though, before we rediscovered each other, she got married and had 2 boys with a guy she eventually broke up with. she came and stayed with me for a few months but family probs forced her back to her x, but her intention was to return to me after a while. the whole mess blew my mind and i was somewhat disrespectful to her and at times harsh while away from me. Few weeks later she told me she needs to focus on her everyday life and provide a happiness for her kids, and that we cant continue together. i know her x wants her back, and that he tried to prove to her that he has changed ever since they broke off. At the same time though, we were so "connected" and open in communication and didn't hold secrets from each other while we were in a relationship.it was mostly good. Please help me understand who is the rebound here. Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's really hard to say Michael. I don't think either one of you is a rebound.

      Reply
    • michael

      So you say she loves two men in the same way? is that possible? she said just before she broke with me that she wasn't remarrying him, but she needs to be happy for her kids.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's definitely possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. She doesn't love both of you in the same way. If I had to guess, she loves you more in a romantic way while her ex is more of a "father of her child" sort of love. I hope it makes sense.

      Reply
    • michael

      ..it does. even though it puzzles me a great deal when we made grand plans for a life together, have kids etc. the fact she might compromise in a conventional relationship-can she?- is really troubling, specially when she was treated badly by that man for years. what do you recommend i should do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I guess the only thing you can do is give her time to figure it out herself. If she decides to go with her ex husband, then you'll have to suck it up and accept it. I'll suggest you apply no contact for a month and then contact her. If at that time she still wants to work things out with her ex husband, then you should move on.

      Reply
    • michael

      Another confusing fact, is that she still has me on her social media as "important life event", despite the fact she s living and possibly is together with her x husband. Any clues?

      Reply
  • Anon

    Hey Kevin.
    My ex and I are broken up for about a month now. We broke up because of miscommunication. When we straightened things out he said that he thinks its best and he doesn't want to be in a relationship now. So I applied the 5-step plan and he seemed to be wanting to be around me more, but then it stopped and I found out he was seeing another girl whom we were both acquainted with but he asked me to stop talking to her because he didn't like her or the way she behaved. He also hangs out with her in full view when he is the kind of person to keep his business to himself. Is it a rebound relationship? Also I am in no contact with him but he hasn't contacted me except for messages claiming that it was a friend of his messing around with his phone when I received no messages him earlier that day. Its been a little over three weeks since I spoke to him. Is it okay to message him? He can be very stubborn at times and has a policy of "not going back"

    Reply
  • monique

    my ex boyfriend started a new relationship while he was still in a relationship with me I knew we had problems and, I found out about him being engaged, but he continued to contact me/flirt with me and visit me. he never acknowledged being engaged to this other women, he was shocked I found out and asked me how I found out. I gave him every opportunity to come clean about the situation but he refused to acknowledge anything. Then he recently married this other but continues to contact me. I did contact his new wife and explained to her that I was still in a relationship with her now husband during their entire engagement up until they were married. I don't know if this a rebound relationship even though he married her because he's having trouble in the marriage and his now wife is emailing me stating that's she confused and if I'm still contacting him....

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, if he got married with her, I think it's safe to say it's more than just a rebound. You'll be just wasting your time and causing yourself more hurt if you try to pursue him. Cut all contact with him and move on with your life.

      Reply
  • Sam

    I was with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. I broke up with him I’m January this year and a week later he’d moved on to the type of woman he used to moan about and the complete opposite of me and I keep seeing them around my neck of the woods. He decided to declare it all on Facebook on what would have been our 9th anniversary! He kept all my friends and family as his facebook friends and only deleted me once he was sure I saw his new relationship status. Two months later he’s still with her and sent me several texts simply saying I have moved on. He’s sent these quite a few times actually. He also text me to ask how I was and wish my mum a happy birthday! He still has stuff at mine, after nearly 9 years, there is a lot! I made a mistake and wanted him back and wanted to fight for our 9 years but his constant random messaging of I have moved on makes me think why bother. I assume it’s a rebound as everyone has said to me it is and his own cousins where shocked it happened and so soon and having read your page. We were tight as a couple, never fought once, same interests Etc, the usual but we got strained through his work and I thought a break would be good. I didn’t want to break up really, i was just confused and for the first time, we didn’t communicate well and just walked away from all our years and history. Apart from what’s recently happened, we both agreed we were happy and he even text to say I’m pleased to have spent them years with you, we had good times. Is he rebounding? I’m so confused and don’t know what to do to be honest

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, he is rebounding. Let his new relationship play out. Contact him after that using one of the methods in this article.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Thank you, I will do just that. He's sent a few horrible texts since and blamed me a few times and trying to reinforce he's moved on but I've been ignoring him, no contact!

      Reply
    • Sam

      Hi again, I've completed 30 days no contact, actually longer. I'm more confident, thinner and healthy with a new home makeover. The thing is, you said let his new relationship play out and then contact him but he still has half his life around mine. I've bagged it all up but I'm not a storage facility nor a taxi service. There is so much stuff here. Do I contact him and give him a time frame to collect or continue no contact? He's still with his rebound nearly five months later so if the man I love is still going strong with her, I don't want his belongings left here forever. There is so much stuff. He said in march 'I'll collect my stuff soon when work calms down'. I said ok but he hasn't yet. What am I to do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Contact him and give it back to him. Then apply no contact for another 2-3 weeks and then text him.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Hi. I contacted him
      to ask for my stuff and to tell him he had a week to contact me about his otherwise I'd take it to mean bin it all. Day 8 nothing so called and left voicemail saying I'm binning your bits but still want mine. Apparently he'd taken to Facebook saying you can't always get what you want, it's a wonderful stroke of luck the day I contacted him. I decided to let him be a child bitter and petty and move on and be happy, then realised he has my passport and I go away in a few weeks!! Yestersay he declare on Facebook he's now engaged four months after me to the girl he hooked up with a week after me. He's been beyond childish and cruel throughout all this when I wanted to be civil and get my stuff back and his. I've now binned his and as he's so desperate to cling to mine, he can keep them. He's pathetic and rebound or not, they are welcome to each other. Thank you for all your advice. I completely deserve better!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You do deserve better Sam. Good luck.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Hi,

      I'm not sure what on earth is going on. My ex emailed me the other day saying he's trapped and his new fiancé is pregnant and she's screwed him over and he hates his job and asking for help from the people he emailed. I replied nicely to it as I was happily getting my closure and felt in a good place to be ok to contact him back and say he needs to talk to her. The next day he called me three times but I didn't answer and have no answering machine and I also got a text calling me scum and my mum lazy. Needless to say I was really confused by all of it. He finally contacted me about giving me my stuff back and he looked so miserable. He arrived with his dad as well. He's 30, bringing a child into this world but acting like a child himself. Unfortunately for him, I'd binned all his stuff having given him months to collect and contacted him many times and then said I'd bin them. He gave me 15 mins to get my bits. So in five months from our break up he's got a new girl pregnant, made her his fiancé and now contacting me. What is going on and what on earth do I do?

      Reply
    • Sam

      Hi,

      I’m not sure what on earth is going on. My ex emailed me the other day saying he’s trapped and his new fiancé is pregnant and she’s screwed him over and he hates his job and asking for help from the people he emailed. I replied nicely to it as I was happily getting my closure and felt in a good place to be ok to contact him back and say he needs to talk to her. The next day he called me three times but I didn’t answer and have no answering machine and I also got a text calling me scum and my mum lazy. Needless to say I was really confused by all of it. He finally contacted me about giving me my stuff back and he looked so miserable. He arrived with his dad as well. He’s 30, bringing a child into this world but acting like a child himself. Unfortunately for him, I’d binned all his stuff having given him months to collect and contacted him many times and then said I’d bin them. He gave me 15 mins to get my bits. So in five months from our break up he’s got a new girl pregnant, made her his fiancé and now contacting me. What is going on and what on earth do I do?
      Thanks Sam

      Reply
  • April

    Hey Kevin
    I went on vacation February 20th and I was going to be on vacation till April 7th well my ex boyfriend of 3 years and 8 months ended it with March 4th and he told me not to come home but he would text and call me sometimes still and then on March 18th he told me that he was talking to someone else but not dating them then he told me that he would buy me my ticket to come home when ever and then I ask him if I could stay at the house still and he said yes and then I ask him if he was still going to be there he said yes and that he didn't want me homeless or loose any of my belongs and then I ask him the next day the same thing and got the same answers from him and he said it was going to be different but he would still be there for me and help me out and be around for me and then he said April I am sorry about everything and what happen between us but we know it was coming and then on March 24th I text him and told him that I got my ticket and that I will home in 3 to 4 days and he text back April I know u know that I'v met someone else because people talk but I want to be honest and then I ask him I can still live in the house right because u said that and then he said she is moving in and then I ask where my stuff was and he said in the house still but I am going to put it in the shed if it ok and I told him my stuff wont fit in there. Then yesterday I found out that he put my stuff in a empty apartment building in back of my house and that she moved in yesterday and her kids she already painted both rooms yesterday for her kids and then my brother called my ex boyfriend 2 days ago and he told my ex boyfriend either he is with me or not and he said to my brother that I was staking him and that he told me that it was over and that he keep telling me and that and that I am stupid because I can't get it threw my head and then he said to my brother he moved on and he hopes this relationship works and that he don't want any drama and he doesn't want me to show up at the house at all but he told my brother that I am a friend and that he cares about me and what happens to me and that he loves me and he told my brother that he was not happy in the relationship with me and him and then he said that he met the new girlfriend a couple of days after I went on vacation and that he liked her and then he told my brother that I was going to live in the house and she was going to live in the house and my ex boyfriend said that won't work so he told my brother that I am out and his new girlfriend was in and I am still on vacation at this rate with no house to go home to and he told my brother also that he wanted to end it with me a while back but didn't know how to because he didn't want to hurt my feelings and that is why he did it now because I am around family and he wants me to stay with family. And I have no house to go back to. I am just wondering is this a rebound relationship or not because I am just so confused? And I am just wondering if he still loves me and has feelings for me and misses me? And I am just wondering if I should tell him how I feel about him still or would it make it worst? And is there anyway or hope that we would get back together? Please help I need some advice thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's possible his new relationship is a rebound. I think there is still hope and he probably still has feelings for you. Follow the 5 step plan. If it doesn't work, move on.

      Reply
  • kerri

    How do I know if my comment was submitted?

    Reply
  • Maggyc

    Hi Kevin,
    my bf dumped me 5 days ago telling me that he wants to be alone.Two days before that everything was fine.I am confused.Today me send me an email telling me how it isn't problem with me,but him.That we should enjoy lives be ourselves,without relationship.
    Things like this happend few times before in the past,but in day or two everything was okay.This time nothing.I thought it was because of his friends,they don't have girlfriends and because he is unemployed and kinda stressed because of that.
    We were two years together.
    Please,tell me what to do :)

    Reply
  • Jacob Wallace

    Hey Kevin
    I was just in a relationship that moved way to fast thing is I still have strong feelings for her we been apart for 11 days when she left me I did the whole multiple pathetic text I told her a few days ago that I'll stop texting altogether she told me not to stop texting her just not as much and that she still cares about me we just moved to fast I've pretty much made myself the door mat last night I erased her number from my phone to remove the temptation to get a hold of her I'd like to know if by doing this and not talking to her if it's possible she could miss me things are complex because I guess you could say that I'm a rebound she just got out of a 6 year marage and is in the middle of a divorce she told me from the beginning that she doesn't want to move fast but she kinda made it that way she kinda smothered me tho i enjoyed it made me feel loved is it possible to get back after I've made myself look a fool

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Since she told you not to stop texting her, let her know that you need some space before starting contact. IF you've already deleted her number, then don't sweat it. Continue no contact. I think you do have a chance to get back together.

      Reply
  • Ashley

    Kevin,

    So here is the story. My boyfriend and I dated on-and-off for about 3 years. When I met him I was actually in a serious relationship (2.5 years) that I broke off to be with him. We had a rocky beginning, and it took me a long time to be comfortable enough with him to call him my boyfriend, which he resented me for. About 6 months into our relationship he breaks up with me to be with another girl. I was devastated, she was younger and more beautiful than I am.

    I made the mistake of keeping in contact with him throughout his entire relationship with her, that lasted about 3 months. Then when I instituted a no contact rule, after about 2 weeks he was begging to be back with me. To which I obliged. However, over the course of the next 2 or so years, he was constantly doubting his decision. I asked him to not talk to her, but he still did, and when he did he would tell her that he still thought about her. He even took her to dinner and lied about it while we were together but begged me for forgiveness and was more in love with me after that than I had ever seen.

    I was always expressing distrust and insecurity over the situation he had with her, which I guess made me unattractive and I am regretting it now. But.. things with us were going SO well recently but then a couple weeks ago, he went on a trip with his friends, and met a (GORGEOUS) girl who lives 3 hours away and I guess he got her number. And when he came home he was being really distant so I asked if we could talk... and it turned out that he had been talking to her and that he all of a sudden didn't see a future with me.

    I cannot tell if this relationship is just a rebound, and I have a chance of a future with this indecisive person, or if I should just let go of the entire thing and move on. I love him and I know he has felt the same way about me, too, he is just still trying to figure out what he wants. In the first couple days of the breakup I made the mistake of begging him to work through our issues instead of breaking up with me, and I told him I would always be there for him.. but have instituted a NC rule for myself to get over him.

    I guess, just from what has happened in the past, I have a feeling that he will date her for a couple of months and then come back to me again, but I cannot tell if this is a rebound or not. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It could be a rebound. But I really think you should apply no contact for at least 3-4 months and think if you really see a future with him. Like you said, indecisiveness has always been a problem. And it will be in the future as well. Why not spend your time finding someone who can truly commit to you.

      Reply
  • marie

    we broke up almost 3 weeks ago and sadly i've done the text terrorism and showing my neediness towards him.it was just a week ago when i stopped txting him because i realized it won't do any good.after reading this i know i made the right move and i'll stick to it.i also have to take care more of myself because honestly i was so and still devastated of what happened

    Reply
  • Zee

    Hi Kevin

    My ex broke up with me back in December because he wanted time to focus on himself and his activities. We continued to talk (and he even hinted about a future about us) when in February he told me he had a new girlfriend. I have a feeling he started seeing her while he was still talking/flirting with me because he was very reluctant to tell me that he was in relationship. He said it would be best if we cut down on the talking and we did until I texted to ask him about money he owed me. He agreed to meet me but then flaked. When I tried to make another date he ignored me. However he has texted twice: to ask how I was doing and to ask a trivial question. I didn't make conversation both times. Earlier this month he posted on his Tumblr reminiscing about our relationship. Since then, we haven't talked and he'll go on my Tumblr and like my posts. But he posts pictures and quotes about being with his girlfriend and he posts pics on instagram with her too (i don't have an insta, I only know this from a friend)
    We were together for three years and I find it hard he left. Looking back, there were warning signs like being to busy too meet me (the reason he dumped me) and saying I love you less. We have gone through this once before but he came back. Do you think his new relationship is a rebound? I'll definitely see him in my future since we're going to the same college.

    Reply
  • Michael

    Hey Kevin.
    My name is Michael. So basically around 9 months ago I fell in love with the most amazing girl ever. She was absolutely perfect because we were just friends then we grew into first loves. We did everything perfectly. Took time before we got into sex, I took her on multiple dates. Then one day I took her to a movie and afterwards made her my girlfriend. We had an amazing months after and I could tell how in love we were. I seriously could feel how much this girl loved me. Well eventually down the road I was feeling smothered so I tried to get some distance. She would always get upset because I wanted to hangout with friends somedays and not her. I would always feel like I was hurting her when I wasn't meaning too. Well down the road I split up with her because I thought it was best. I told her I wasn't going anywhere and that she was the love of my life and always will be but that some space would make things better. Well after her always being needy towards me, she gave up I guess and was so angry at me that she went off and let her friends convince her to start having sex and talking to this other guy. He's from another town and is apparently pretty poplular. He is the exact opposite of me. He's converted in bad tattoos, lives in his moms basement and has no job or car. I pleaded for her to come back after I found out they had sex but to no avail. She was too hurt and upset with me still. So for the past couple weeks I've let her have her space and deal with these rebound like you say. I know hat girls loved me with all of her heart. There's just no way all those feelings can be gone can they? They fact that she hangouts and has sex with this other guy destroys me but I feel like she's just trying to replace me. I don't know what to do from here. I've been in NC for about a week but miss her and get major doubts that I could get her back because she tries to convince everybody she's really happy with this new guy but gas only known his for two weeks. Should I give up? I love her with all my heart and just cast give up. I know she still loves me, I just know it.

    Reply
  • Confused

    Hi Kevin
    I dont know what to make of this txt from my partner that just broke up with me two nights ago. We were together for 4 years and we had an argument which resulted in him saying goodnight and goodbye to me to which I didnt reply, then I get this txt two days later, please help!? what does it mean?
    Hey, I dont want to lag stuff on and start something.But I want to say this once. I want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into me and this relationship. You taught me alot and i have taken in alot from what you have said over the past few years. You are the love of my life and i regret letting you go but i cant be man enough for you and i feel we had bought each other down and we are both two people in different worlds who magically collided past each other and fell in love. It felt like romeo and juliet. Both sides hated our hearts being together and it made us very unhappy and i pointed the blame at you and you pointed the blame at me it was a big loop going round and round. all i wish for you is to be happy and find that place you were looking for that i could not fill.i feel like i have failed in both mine and your life and that i could have done better but at least i tried the best i could while under the influence of other people.

    he has sent me a txt like this before and we have got back together. why is it so on and off with him? please help i dont know whether to ignore or reply i love him so dearly and have tried everything to make it work including changing as a person to try and be accepted by him and his family/friends. I feel confused and dont know what to do right now. I really feel like i have been the loyal loving person to him that i can be. things went pear shaped after he cheated on me about 6months ago but i gave him yet another chance because i really thought he was the one..

    Please help, do i ignore or reply? :(

    thank you!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Ignore. Apply no contact. He will probably want to get back together after a while. This time, talk to him before getting back that you can't do this on and off relationship and if he wants to get back together, he needs to be hundred percent sure he wants this.

      Reply
  • Anika

    My ex is about 6 years older than me. We had a long distance relationship for about a year after we met online. Fell in love etc etc. but i had a mood swing one day. dumped him and blocked him. couple months later i unblocked him. and apologized. it looked like he was willing to take me back but once he admitted it i turned him down immediately having another sudden mood swing. he said he would wait forever for me. i said good luck. a couple months later i started dating this person. i didnt know he was a rebound up until now. i realized he didnt make me happy completely and i still missed my ex. so i told my ex that but he said hes over me and just wants to be friends. he had a short term gf last month but they broke up. we skype and text alot. but today i made the desicion to break up with my boyfriend now and go for him full time. i did that and i, again, for probably the 5th time, declared my love for him to him. I don't know what else to do. help! what do i do!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, apply no contact for another month (or two) and then contact him. This time, don't let your mood swings affect your decision.

      Reply
  • Jolyn

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I broke up when I just came back from overseas exchange program. We had been dating for 3 years and when he broke up, he listed reasons like he wanted freedom, to be stress-free and he felt that the feelings faded. But I found out that he was already dating this new girl before I even came back home. She looks kind of similar to me, have the same similar personality, and they have been doing the same things that what we did. He has been avoiding me at all cost, and hiding the relationship very quietly which is very unlikely of him. I applied the no contact for 2 months but just recently I just gave him a birthday cake (because his birthday is near) thru a friend, and he told the friend not to do such things again and told her not to get involved.
    Is there a possibility that this is a rebound relationship? And is there any hope that we can get back together?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes there is hope you will get back together and yes, it's probably a rebound. Also, don't ever try to get to your ex through a friend. It just seems desperate and needy.

      Reply
    • Jolyn

      Thanks for your fast reply. :) appreciate it much. Then how do I go about talking to him if he just keeps avoiding me and I can't get through a friend.

      Reply
  • Emma

    My ex bf broke up with me back in Nov we dated for 3 years..I was blindsided and shock did not see it coming.. We were living together and constantly planning our future together..we looked at wedding bands often.. So I knew engagement was around the corner ..days after we broke up ,he had a new relationship. He meet her on his business trips ..I moved out.. But he still checks in with me text.. He told me 2 weeks ago that he still misses me thinks of me and it's hard on him still and he is not over me.. But he is not going out if his way to see me..he is 39 his new gf is 25.. I'm 44.. I thought we were good..I never cheated or lied. I was loving and trustworthy .. Now I have to be a bitch to tell him to make up his mind? I will take the advice that I am given because whatever I am doing, is not working! I do love him and forgive him and see if there is a chance for us again..Thank you! :))

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Tell him you need some space and time. Don't contact him for 30 days. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Emma

      Hi Kevin ,

      He has not contacted me in over a week now..do I still tell him I need space ? I am confused about his actions lately towards me..I thought he was coming back around because of his words to me lately ( I miss you- not over you, etc) and our time apart..our conversations (texting) have been fun and lite.. Basically, drama- free. I don't understand why he is not running back to me? (Jerry Mc Quire style would be awesome-ha!)
      I have no choice but to do the no-contact rule I suppose? As you stated before . Thanks Kevin :))

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No need to tell him right now. Contact him only after no contact.

      Reply
    • Emma ( last one I promise!)

      Do you see that he still wants to get back together? I have never had a breakup like this before..where we kept in touch.. He does most of the checking in.. It still hurts.. And miss him greatly! He knows all this..then why keep staying in touch with me??!' Ugh.. Ok.. 30 day nc has officially started! (Stomach turning already! )
      Thank you !

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, it's hard to say if he wants to get back together, but there is definitely a chance and it's definitely worth trying to get back with him. If it doesn't work, you can close this chapter and try to move on.

      Reply
  • Rob

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I broke up approx 4 and 1/2 months ago, we were together for over 5 years. I was the one who broke up with her and she took the break up very very hard and was emotionally devastated. It's a complicated situation and I didn't want to end the relationship but I had no choice as it needed to be uncomplicated. Anyway, about 3 months into the breakup she started dating a new guy and they are in a full on relationship, talking about marriage and so on. Within 3 months she went from "I love you and want to marry you" then this guy comes along and in one night she was telling me I ruined her life and am a horrible person. It was really hard to hear her lash out and distort me and our relationship to say the least. Ever since she's been dating this guy she's been posting pics on various social media and adding comments indicating that they are in love and he's dreamy blah blah blah... Also, she blocked me on FB when they started dating and then unblocked me. The day after she unblocked me her their statuses changed to "in a relationship". It is also my understanding that he is fresh out of a long term relationship so they may both be rebounding. If that's the case, could this make the relationship more or less successful? Also, does this sound like a rebound and what should I do at this point? Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, it does sound a rebound. If both of them are on a rebound, the chances of relationship surviving are no more than if only one of them is on a rebound. You should leave her be for another one month and then contact her using one of the methods in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Kaylee

    Hi Kevin,
    My boyfriend of a year recently broke up with me. It was two days after our anniversary and one of my friends at college posted a picture of me on Facebook. It convinced my boyfriend I was cheating on him. We were completely in love but this must have changed his mind right away. So he called me, broke up with me and then wouldn't talk to me for a while. Two days later he was already seeing another girl but he was telling me that maybe we could try again in the summer when I go home from college or later on when he is also in college and we will be able to see each other more. He would still send me inappropriate messages. I know I had been like harassing him because I was constantly trying to talk to him. But then I quit trying to talk to him because I realized that was only going to push him farther away. Then he randomly freaked out on me one night because his new girl was mad because he had been talking to me and it was all my fault. I just don't know what to do now.
    Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I have a feeling he was the one cheating on you, or at least was thinking of cheating on you. But I can be wrong. Anyways, give him time and space and follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Christine

    Hi Kevin,
    So my ex and I had been going out for almost 3 years before I broke up with him this past December right before New Year's Eve. I did it becuase I felt I had a lot of personal issues to deal with (family, etc.) and he was always preoccupied with work and needed to focus on that. During the last year of our relationship I had tried taking a break with him several times because I thought we both needed time for personal growth. He would usually start crying and telling me he didn't want me to let go and make promises of how he'd be better etc. He said things like he wanted to marry me one day and made me promise to never leave him. I guess it stressed me out a bit because I had started going out with him in college and went in with the mindset that we'd have to break up when we both graduated. But it turned out that he moved from LA and found a job in NY where I live when we both graduated. Overall, I think we had a really good relationship. Even though we dated for almost 3 years, we never experienced going through a rut or anything. I think it's because we were such good friends before we started dating.
    I broke up with him through a pretty harsh text but did not expect him to actually go along with it while he was home on Christmas break. I was pretty insensitive about it becuase his parents had been going through a divorce, and I was having my own family issues, and I guess I broke up with him when he needed me most. (There are a ton more details but I'm leaving them out for the purpose of not making this too long)
    I was really shaken up after our break, and didn't know about the NC rule...after we broke up I texted him several times and I ended up called him profuseley apologizing and told him that I loved him (which I admittedly never did during our relationship). Unfortunately, it was too little too late. I said it was ok for him to take his time and if he wanted to be single for a while I was ok with it, but when I asked if we'd get back together in the future he said probably not. He said if we got back together, then I would just be getting my way as usual, and that he was super busy at work and hadn't really thought about us for the past few weeks, and he couldnt' do the ups and downs anymore. He said that since we broke up he felt relieved. I cried but I didn't believe him when he said that, but I thoguht he was saying these things becuase he was feeling hurt. He was being very dramatic and said he was going to stay single for a long time and didn't know if he'd ever get married, etc. I said I respected his decision and when I asked if we could at least be friends he said ok.
    I tried asking him to lunch or whatever after that, but he kept saying no. So I stopped texting for 2 weeks. A few days beforeValentine's day I texted him (sad, I know, but I didn't text him so I wouldn't be single for Vday haha). I had just said "hey" to check in, but he didn't respond.

    On Valentine's day, he texted me saying "Hey there. I've started dating someone. so I think we should stop talking. it's not fair to me or her. Thanks for your thoughts, but I'm moving on. I wish the best for you." I tried calling him because I wanted to get some closure...but he texted back "Please enough is enough. I don't want to talk. There is nothing more to discuss."

    I was shocked, and all my friends and family were really shocked too.

    I sent him a lengthy email saying I was sorry I messed up and that I hurt him, and that after we broke up I had done a lot of self-evaluation and I was sorry that I was so selfish and that I took him for granted. I told him even though he said he said we shouldn't talk anymore that I still care about him and will always have an open ear if he needs someone to listen. I wrote a prayer for us that we'd both heal and forgive each other.
    Later that day, I saw on his Facebook he changed his relationship status with the new girl.
    I never got a response from the email/don't know if he even read it. We haven't spoken since.

    About 2 weeks ago, a mutual friend called him and ask for details. Turns out he met this girl through Tinder (rolling eyes) and said "she is amazing, we hit it off perfectly and it feels like we've known each other for years..because it felt so right just wanted to let it happen naturally and not stop it. shes awesome, we make each other so happy when we're together." It sounds pretty fake, but I'm not sure. He said both of them went into it not expecting anything serious, but the more they chatted the more they had in common. So they met up in person and from what it sounds like they really hit it off, and he said they "communicate really well"...
    I stalked her a bit and found out they work in the same industry, seems nice and normal with a good job. I still think he could do much better than her. My friend asked him if he'd ever consider getting back with me he said "I don't want to say no, just because of all the good memories we've had together." However, he told her the past year we had was rough and he didn't know what I wanted and didn't know how to make me happy and couldn't handle all the ups and downs in our relationship.This new girl knows he just got out of a long relationship and when she asked him if he was on a rebound apparently he said he wasn't. He hasn't posted anything on facebook other than the relationship status change in a few weeks.

    Sorry for the long, jumbled message. I just want to know if this is a rebound. We haven't communicated since Valentine's day and it's been a month since they've started dating and almost 4 months since we broke up. Does this mean we're over for good?

    Thanks in advance for reading this!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's most probably a rebound. I think you still have a chance of reconciliation. Try the 5 step plan. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then you know it's over for sure.

      Reply
  • Grace Gindlesperger

    Kevin,
    I just broke up with my boyfriend of one year last night. It was a semi-mutual breakup. He claimed he lost feelings for me but never acted that way or showed it. When we were together we would have so much fun and everything would be great, the second we weren't together and he would text or call me he became mean and said he didnt feel anything. I began to want a way out when I found out he was hanging out with a girl behind my back, but nothing sexual happening, he said he just didnt want me to know.... I do love him and I do want things to be re-patched up, but I want to know if this is something I should just give up on and push through the pain or try to rekindle... I do truly love being around him and being with him, we connect in ways I havent before. I just dont know if what has happened are signs to leave, or if him becoming a raging dick when we arent around each other means that the "no-contact" rule will make this worse...

    Grace

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think no contact will make it worse. I do think you will be able to make a better decision if you go through the no contact rule for 30 days. That's the main purpose of no contact. To clear up the confusion. To help you decide whether you should try to rekindle or move on.

      Reply
  • Kara

    Hey Kevin,
    So my ex and I were together for about 6-7 months when we broke up because I was going back to school 12 hours away and he didn't want to do a long distance relationship. I said okay because I had done a few myself and they sucked. Well we stayed in contact while during that time and after a while I felt like we were kind of drifting apart and when I talked to him about it he said he wasn't very good at staying in contact with anyone and that he didn't want to lead me to think we we're going to get back together. After I read this I kind of did my own thing, but we ended up seeing each other when I came home for winter break and I was under the impression that we were just going to hang out as friends since that seemed to be what he wanted at the time. He picked me up in the clothes he wore to clinic (he's a med student) which was dress pants, a dress shirt and bow tie. We went out for BBQ for lunch and then went back to his place and we ended up watching a movie. While we watched this movie, he only had on boxers and an undershirt and he held out his arm for me to cuddle with him while we watched. Later on throughout the movie he kissed me, I didn't initiate. We finished watching the movie and we ended up sleeping together and afterwards he got a text from his friends about going out to eat. I assumed that he was going to take me home before we went out with them but he asked me to go with him and apparently he had already told his friends that he was with me. The restaurant we went to was pretty nice and we had a wine tasting before dinner. After dinner he, myself and his friends went to a bar for a little bit and at one point one of his friends approaches him and asks if we are getting back together. Neither of us respond because at the time we honestly didn't know.

    During that same break he took me out to see a movie and we held hands throughout the whole thing and after we went back to his place and he showed me his baby pictures and a few family photos, something he had never done before. Then at some point I was talking to him about moving in with one of my friends if she happens to get a house and that was when he proposed that we move in together and I asked him if he was sure he would want that and he said I think we should set up a separate bed in case, but I don't think it will be a bad thing.

    This same pattern went on all winter break with him and we kept in touch via skype and calling and text when I went back to school and everything seemed to be going well and we were communicating a lot better. Then about a 4-6 weeks ago he tells me that he has started seeing someone else and he said he didn't know how serious it was but he didn't want me to be blindsided IF we didn't hang out as much. This sounded like it could be a rebound relationship especially considering how things developed between us over break but I can't tell. When he and I talked about it because I expressed my confusion about a lot of the things that happened over spring break, he said he was sorry about leading me on and that it wasn't intentional and that it's easy to fall back into a relationship like that. I asked him about how long it had been since he started seeing this girl and he said it was a few weeks before from the time he told me and when I asked why he didn't tell me sooner he said it wouldn't have been worth mentioning if it was only a few dates. I asked him how it was going and he said okay, it's been a while since I've dated anyone, invalidating the fact that what we did over break wasn't dating. Obviously, I was upset and I told him that I felt unimportant to him because of what he said and he expressed that that wasn't true and that I was important to him and he didn't want to lose me and he would do what he needed to do (within reason) to make me happy. At that point I told him I needed my space and that I wouldn't be going to his birthday party anymore when I came home for spring break because I didn't want to be about his new girlfriend and since then we have talked maybe three times and at one point when I mentioned his new girlfriend, he said nothing about her in his response. What does all this mean? Is this new girl a rebound and if so what are my next steps. I should also mention that he's not a big FB poster so that signal was invalid for me but it seems like all the other signals match up. In addition, this new girl doesn't really seem like all the other girls he's dated before me (I was also different from his usual type which makes me wonder if I was the rebound but he was single for more than a year when we met, so I don't know) and she's not friends with any of his friends and vise versa though I don't know if that has anything to do with it.
    Sorry this is so long. Please Help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kara,

      I also think it's a rebound. I think you should stop talking for a while and let him continue with his girlfriend. Hopefully, his relationship will be over before you go back. Contact him only when you go back home.

      Reply
    • Kara

      Thank you so much, that gives me a lot more hope than I had before. So I shouldn't try to contact him once the thirty days are up? Not even two or three weeks before I come home?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think it's a good idea to contact a week or two before you come home.

      Reply
  • steven

    The girlfriend that I've had for about a year and a half left me about a month ago. We were very close and talked for hours every day. We had our whole lives planned out together and we were planning to get married in a few years. We kept it secret because we thought that if her parents found out they would be constantly watching us and would make it very difficult. In the last month of the relationship she started getting very depressed and she was depressing me too. I was worried sick about her and I felt like I was loosing her and I came across as very needy. She said she couldn't handle being in a relationship for a while and she said she needed some time away to start feeling better. About 5 days after we broke up she told me she was already with this other guy. I couldn't believe it and I made a lot of the mistakes you talked about like calling her all the time and begging and stuff. I've been worried sick about her because this new guy is a smooth talking player who doesn't really care who his girlfriend is as long as he has one but she seems to think she's in love with him and she seems to be trying to replace me with him. I tried to convince her to leave him because he's going to get her really hurt and in a lot of trouble but she says she "loves" him and she won't. I know it's not really him that she loves so much as it is the fact that he makes her happy and he's fun but she won't listen to me. She recently turned 18 and seems to think she can do what ever she wants. She still wants me to be one of her best friends but she doesn't want me for her boyfriend any more. I read your article about the no contact rule and the 5 step plan. What should I do?

    Reply
  • J

    Hi
    My partner of 6 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago,mew have some issues due to my illness he finds it hard to cope.. He started on a dating site 4 days afte the break up and told me so. He's says and his profile does he is not looking for anything serious but wants to date. Anyway weekend I met up with him(after going through all the classic mistakes) he agreed to stay friends and work on things and wouldn't meet other girls whilst we are like this. We had an amazing weekend, however today he changed completely again told me it's not fair on me that he is talking to other girls and wants to end our friendship and never see me again. I am devastated all over again I love this man so much and we have been through so much together. I know I now need to apply the NC rule but I'm SOS ared he's gonna meet one of these girls and move on. I know I will get over him one day but I don't want to and the pain thinking about it is unbearable :(

    Reply
  • George

    Hey kev,

    I was in love with this girl.. Who of course had guys behind her. Every single guy wanted to be her soul mate. But some how she fell for me and we were in relation for about 3 months. Dated about two times. The problem is that she broke up with me after this three months. Telling she cant adjust with me as I am 11 months younger to her and now she is in a relation with a new guy whom her parents will also like and she loves him alot and will marry him, and she also told me doesnt love me any more and dont expect her again.
    And so far I dont think her new reltation is a rebound reltn. So, now I want you to tell me, how to get her back..!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Since you and her were not together for very long time, it's hard to say if her new relationship is a rebound. Regardless, you can try getting her back using the 5 step plan and if it doesn't work, move on.

      Reply
  • John

    Hey Kevin,
    Long story short, my ex girlfriend dumped me randomly (stopped having sex with me about a month before) so maybe no so randomly. Anyways I moved out of our shared apartment back to my hometown for a month, before we both decided we should be friends and roommates(so we both could save money up easily in order to move into our own separate apartments). Everything was fine and got along and hung out a lot (nothing sexual) just friends. Then starting around November/December she started acting much differently, such as a complete personality change, loss of interest in hobbies/interests, heavy drinking/staying out until early mornings, constant anger,lies and hatred towards me for no reason. It got to the point she wouldn't come back to the apartment if I was home. She works at a bar, after work she would stay out all night and into the early mornings drinking with her "new" friends, a lot of them guys. She was doing this usually six days a week (weird because she was never into a lot of drinking ), and then she started sleeping over at "guy friends" houses. So after being treated like crap by her for several months, I finally had enough and moved out and will be gone the entire summer for work/traveling.
    Since then she has given me mixed signals I think. She told me when she dumped me she actually wanted to stay good friends, and she didn't want to date or have any kind of relationships with a guy for a very very long time. Fast forward to March 2014, I find out she has slept with several guys, and has been fucking a "guy friend" these past several months. They do everything a couple would do together but she just keeps saying she isn't dating. I ask what his name was just cause I was curious and she won't tell me anything and is very secretive about it. Couple days ago she sent me a bunch of books to read while I'm gone this summer, but then the next day she goes back to being really hateful and rude towards me and acting very spiteful. I'm kinda confused about her. She does nice things for me and calls/texts/facebooks sometimes and vice versa but then she will completely change and treat me like crap for several days in a row and ignores me until she responds to me again. Or how she says she wants to be friends and then will changed her mind and tell me she doesn't like me and wants a complete break from me until she is ready, but then we will get in contact again a few days later like nothing happened. I just don't understand her heavy drinking, sleeping around with guys that use her, her change in personality, and her loss of interests. Is is because she is tying to get over me or misses me, or does she actually hate me, or is this the kind of person she is now? It just seems since she started hanging out with all these new late night bar friends she has met, she has changed herself in order to fit in with them. I tried talking to her the other day on the phone asking her to please just stop with all the negativity towards me and gave her my honest opinion as her friend that she is drinking too much and that I'm upset she is letting guys use her, I think that really made her mad because she is back to ignoring me again. The weird thing is she hasn't unfriended or blocked me yet on facebook and I feel with all this anger/hatred she has towards me she would have done this already. So hopefully you can tell me what the hell is going on haha
    I hope all this made sense.
    thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey John,

      It's hard to tell what's causing this confused behavior. But I am pretty sure she still has feelings from you and she might even be having a hard time getting over you. I think the best thing you can do right now is start no contact. Give her some time to deal with her anger and confusion.

      Reply
  • Paul

    Hi kevin
    My ex an I have been together almost 10 yrs have 3 wonderful boys together well she broke up with me in June but we stayed in the same house till October she went back to her moms an I got my own place we both have the kids 50% of the time.my temper an begin lazy (which she says working 50-60 hrs a week ) an I understand that I work for my family I did my best to spend time with the the best I can we had our downs mostly the last 2 years of our relationship.once we broke up she started seeing this guy at the park right after we broke up an now he's sleeping over her mothers house while my kids are there.when we talk she tells me she misses me an she doesn't want to get back right now I just wanna know if she's in a rebound or what cuz it's hurting me inside an I wanna move on.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's probably a rebound. Give her some time and space and meanwhile try to make some positive changes in your life. I know it's painful and I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I want you to know that everything will get better with time.

      Reply
  • Tyne

    I need advice. I was with my ex 6.5 years until he broke up 4 months ago. We had argued a lot, especially in the end. But he broke up saying I'm his soulmate and he still hopes we'll end up together. So I decided to try and win him back, which he was aware of and allowed. During the following months we saw each other once a week, so that he also could have the alone time he so desperately needed. Things were moving forward slowly and a month ago we went to a concert together, which he initiated an where he actually told someone I was his girlfriend. Four days later I was told by a mutual friend that he was also seeing someone else and had been doing so 2-3 times a week for 2 months! I confronted him and he got really upset and was very apologetic. He still tells me that he hopes we'll end up together, that he isn't in love with her, but that she is a part of his "process". He is still seeing her, though. I decided I didn't want to keep seeing him like before, and told him if we ever were going to end up together it was his turn to fight, even if I didn't think he ever would. He started crying and told me, that he would fight for me, but isn't ready. I had him over for dinner last week to switch old pictures. It was a lot of fun, but I kept my distance and suddenly he was very flirtatious, talking about our sexlife and how great I looked and so on. I am pretty mad at him for doing me one day and her the next. She doesn't know he has been seeing me also and is in love with him and I'm afraid he will become her boyfriend just because it's the easiest and he then doesn't have to take a look at himself. And pathetic as I apparantly am, I still want him back. But I have no idea how I should aproach this. I am not much for playing games and have been very honest the whole time. But maybe I do need some tactics now... Please help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well Tyne, the first thing I'll recommend you do is tell him you need some space and time and start no contact. I know there is a chance that he'll become her boyfriend during that time, but IMO it's a risk you must take. I want you to think really hard during this no contact period if you really want to be with him. You were together for 6.5 years, perhaps that's why it's hard for you to let him go even though he disrespected you. He is immature and completely confused about what he wants in life. He will continue playing with your emotions and keep dragging you along if you let him.

      If after no contact, you still want him, get back in touch and go out with him a couple of times. After that, give him an ultimatum. Either he can commit or you cut him off entirely from your life and move on. And if he doesn't commit even at that time, you should move on.

      Reply
    • Tyne

      Oh, were you right! We started seeing each other again a week ago since he told me he stopped seeing her. It started out casually and I thought we both needed to take it slow. But I was suspicious, so the other day as my way went past her building I checked for his bike - and it was there. He wasn't, but I told her everything. Since then I have found out that he started seeing her before we split (she didn't know) and he has promised her the world, while also seeing me and telling me I was his soulmate. She is happy I told her and even more mad than I am: she forced him to quit his job, which she helped him get. Apparantly he also had an affair 4-5 years ago while I had 24 hour shifts at my old job. I don't know who I have spent almost 7 years of my life with and it freaks me out. But I am done now - this is a degree of disrespect I couldn't even imagine and who knows what else I don't know yet. So this is my update, not as I hoped. At least I can finally move on and hopefully he'll let me go now. He told me yesterday, that he could really use my help since he decided to see a psychologist now and work on this pathologic behavior and he claims he still loves me. I think he is trying to hold on to me still. It's scary...

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Damn. That sucks. Although, I am sort of glad that you found out the truth and have decided to leave him behind. Remember, there will always be a part of you that will wish he fixes his issues and you can get back with him. And he knows about that part and he will try to appeal to that part. That's why you need to cut contact with him.

      Reply
  • Jovan

    Hey Kevin, i need some help
    Me and my GF were in a relationship for a year and a half, we had a beautiful relationship but last month was rough, we didn't have much time for each other and we didn't talk soo much. We said we should take a break to miss each other for some time, we missed each other soo much after 3 days, but we said that we can't do this for next month, so we broke up saying we should stay only best friends. I started texting one girl, went out with her, but i just couldn't kiss her cause i only saw my ex. I opened myself to her, i told her we should try it all again, but she told me she had moved on. Two weeks after break up, she hooked up with a guy who looks exactly like me, has same interests, watches same TV series, listens to same music etc. On their 1st date she did the same things with him as she was doing with me, they went to same places, she talks to him exactly the same etc. After that I went to her and told her that i can't do this no more and that i will be there for her if she misses us in any time given, but i can't share her happiness now when she has new BF. She hugged me and started crying, she hugged me for around 10 seconds and told me:"I can't do this, i feel like I'm cheating on him."(the guy she's with now). After that i stopped texting her and calling her, i don't know if she misses me. She's with her new guy for 2 days now, and she seems happy for now. She had put all our things in a box, and put it away. Oh yes and her 1st relationship was with me. Is she just in a "rebound relationship" and is there any place for me to hope she will return to me? What should i do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There is a good chance it's a rebound. Apply no contact for a month. Then contact her using one of the methods in this article.

      Reply
    • Jovan

      I applied NC for 3 days now, I told her i need some space right now. Should i contact her while she is in relationship with this guy after 1 month?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes you should.

      Reply
    • Jovan

      Well what to do after that if she doesn't break up with her rebound? What are my next moves, i can't find that anywhere, please help :(

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You give yourself a time limit for how long you are going to wait for her. You decide how much time of your life are you willing to waste on someone. And if she doesn't break up by the end of that time limit, you give her an ultimatum. Either she breaks up with the guy or you completely cut her from your life and move on. If she chooses the other guy, then you cut her form your life and move on.

      Reply
  • Cody

    Dear Kevin,

    I broke up with my boyfriend last year in May. We lived together for 4 years and we got stuck and I decided to break up. I wish I didn't because we didn't try to solve the problems and I chose the easy way and decided to break up.

    In May-June I saw him adding a guy on his facebook. And in August he and this new guy became a couple. Now it is March and they are still together.

    During this time I know my ex hasn't forget about me. In September I sent my ex roses because we would have had our 5 year anniversary and my ex was very happy about that (even though his new partner hated it). My ex sent me messages that he thought about me everyday, and also on that special day. During Xmas my ex messaged me and he said that he thought about me, more than I would imagine (wtf, how would he know?)

    I started to play online games with my ex again since last month and we had fun and he said "thanks for the nice memories:)"

    Last week I visited my ex (after 8 months) and he looked great! Still wearing the shoes I gave him and he was still using the wallet I gave him. I did see some pictures of him and his new lover in the living room though. I said I'm so happy to see you are doing so good and that you are so happy now. He said: "well... ermm.. hmm.. its getting just a little bit better".

    He told me that he remembered all the nice places we used to go like pancake houses and coffee bars. I asked him if he still often goes to these places and he said "noo, its hard for me to go to these places with my new lover, because we (he and I) always went there".

    Do I still have hope? I still love my ex so much! I started a new relationship 7 weeks ago but I ended it yesterday. I know I am still not over the break up so I broke up with the new guy.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes Cody, I think you still have hope. I think he is not over you either. If possible, ask him to hang out with you.

      Reply
    • Cody

      Hi Kevin,

      Thanks, do you have any suggestions for me to do? My birthday will be coming up this week and last week when I visited my ex he asked me for my new address. I think he is gonna send me a card or something. We haven't really contacted each other after I visited him, only played some games online without talking.

      Thank you.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Like I said, you should start talking to him more often and then ask him to hang out. Start building attraction and if you think he is attracted to you enough, ask him if he wants to get back together.

      Reply
  • rick

    Hey kev,
    Thanks for the insight very thought provoking stuff. So my situation is kinda different. I basically inflicted this pain on myself by taking my ex for granted and pushing her into this new guy arms. So long story short me and my ex for 2 years broke up 3 weeks ago after Valentines day. We had our ups and downs like the typical relationship. However things got more rocky towards the end. She constantly cried herself to sleep every night for the last month. She basically wanted a level of commitment I wasn't comfortable giving at the time, I thought I wasn't ready. Boy am I wrong I now know i love that girl. And would do anything to get her back. However she now is dating this new guy 2 weeks after we broke up. And it seems pretty serious because the guy is always at her house and I know he stays over. So I tried like hell recently proving my love. Flowers, letters everything but its seem like its too late, which were her exact words. Idk how she can completely move on so fast its almost unfathomable, like she has no conscience. So should I just move on and forget about her? I really thought she loved me, you shouldv'e seen the intensity she displayed many times in our arguments. Please help any advice would be helpful. Is this guy for real?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I am pretty sure she is in a rebound relationship. And the relationship will end pretty soon. Apply no contact for a while and then contact her.

      Reply
  • sabrina

    Hi i hope you could help me out, my ex bf and i had a great relationship for 4 years, he is my clyde and i was his bonnie my partner in crime.
    nly reason that i could think of was when we found out that the hospital abroad wanted me to work for them for 2 years.. The deadline was at the of the month.. My ex bf ask me if i could get him any job there so he could come with me he planned to get us wed before i leave even before, i heard from his mom that for 2 weeks he was pissed off cant think clearly, he started to hang out with his officemates that are bad for him, drinking alot going to bars (which he doesn't like ) . I just let him do his thing because i think maybe this is the way for him to let his anger out that i was going away. So thats when he met the girl in their office.. I think they took advantage of him being depress and feed him with "she doesnt love you anymore" crap.

    We broke up and he started dating his co worker, after 3days of the break up.. I didn't curse him, yell at him bad mouth him from other people . i keep understanding his situation on why he did it, i forgiven him i told that. . 1 week after the break i made efforts to get him back, gave him the anniversary gift i was saving up for him. A scarp book of us and lastly a video of me about 100 reasons why i love him

    After he watched the video he started to blame me, practically telling me it was my fault.. I never argue back. He said "maybe im just confused, regret the idea of courting her, im not into her, just give me time, thats all i am asking, im not serious about her i cannot break up with her so just give me time"

    After our confrontation i started doing NC im on 90 days NC, 4months of them going out.
    I still keep in touch with his mom, he always ask me to her (how i am, do i still go to there house). I made a great impact on my ex he was proud of me, and told people i changed his live for the better, because he had a dark past.

    Do you think i have great chance getting him back after i made the efforts and practically dropping form the face of the earth after? Is it a rebound?

    Thank you kev x

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Bonnie :P,

      First of all, kudos to handling the breakup so gracefully. I think you have a good chance. However, at this point, I'll recommend you get in touch with Clyde. Use one of the texts above.

      Reply
    • sabrina

      Thank you for responding.. i cant txt him, because his gf keepa on snooping around his phone and even the one who's replying to his messages and acting that she is my ex (she done this with my ex mom and she wasnt happy about it). And also shes the one using his facebook acct. Updating it postingnphotos and changing his profile photo with the one shes in it.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sabrina,

      In that case you have two options.

      1. Just wait till his new relationship blows up because if his girlfriend continues acting like this, it will eventually end.

      2. Give him call while he is at work or something. When you are sure the phone is with him.

      Reply
    • sabrina

      Thank you again! Im going on a date with his mom, do you think its ok to keep in touch with her? She treats me like her own daughter, she loves me because i changed his son life in a good way...

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't see any harm in it.

      Reply
    • sabrina

      I had a wonderful time with my ex mom :) my ex is still asking if i still come to visit, or talk to her etc... and hes still with his bad influence single mother gf, i just want to put this out there.. that my ex is the type of guy when being cornered or pressured will make bad decisions or worst stupid ones... i think the best way to deal is to let him do his thing... but does he ever snaps out of this??

      Reply
    • sabrina

      Hi! Kev :)

      I heard from his mom my ex is still asking about me, how i am etc thats a good sign right? And also the girl is controlling my exbf decision not to resign from the company because his parents are asking him to apply to a diff. Company which was his plan before when we were still together..
      And i remembered what my ex told me that he would give his resignation letter and he wont see her anymore..

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yeah definitely good sign. The girl is controlling which is sort of a red flag for most guys. That means, more chances of them breaking up soon. :)

      Reply
    • sabrina

      Only time can tell :( i never controlled him or get in a way of what he likes to do. i usually let him do his thing and be supportive. He already compared me to her. The last time we saw each other he told me NOT to cry or beg keep repeating it. And i was thinking the fudge, were separating and u have someone already and you're telling not to cry?? Lol sometimes i think theres a hidden meaning to it.. or am i assuming there is

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think there's a hidden meaning to it. He does have feelings for you and cares for you. Other than that, what he said doesn't mean much.

      Reply
    • sabrina

      Even though i handle the break up gracefully, it feels like he will never come around.. the girl has him on the throat :(
      I still couldnt believe all this.. he loves me more than i love him but yet he's with another girl.

      Reply
    • sabrina

      This happened just today, my exbf contact one of our common friend in college. He said that my ex said “hi how you (insert friend name), are you with sabrina last march 13?” March 13 was the date on my Facebook status were i tagged our friend. Its funny to think, he cannot see my posts because i have my profile on private. Unless he used his little brother's account and saw my status or his mom told him that our college friend and i are talking :).
      I heard that his GF is bad mouthing him on Facebook, posting a status “if you cant love me etc” and inserting his picture down below. What a rude thing to do!

      Reply
  • Kate

    Hi,

    So me and my ex fiance were together for nearly 10 years. We did everything together traveled the world for years at a time and I thought we were so unstoppable. . But about a year ago he got depressed with his life and we broke up that was 10 months ago now. We did still see each other on and of till about 4 months ago, until then he was just dating girls but nothing serious. Then just over 3 months ago he met this 19 year old girl ( he's 27) and has been seeing her exclusive for 3 months they even did a 2 week trip to New Zealand together... my question is should I be worried that this relationship is serious? some part of me says its just a rebound but the fact that he didn't dive into the relationship straight after our break up has me worried. Obviously I want him back and he knows this yet he has said if he wasn't in this new relationship with this girl he would try again but he is so he won't. Really frustrated

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kate,

      He is clear about his feelings and priorities. I guess the best you can do is keep in touch with him and have fun conversations with him occasionally. You are right, it's hard to say if it's a rebound.

      Reply
  • Zel

    Hope you can help me with this, because I'd like to know if the NC rule is still applicable to my situation or it's already too late.

    I dated this guy for 2 months, and during the first month I let him know I like him too by kissing him back. He was frank about not being comfortable with committing to a girl because of his responsibilities regarding his family (he's the breadwinner) and serving his community. Because of that, I told him I understand him because I also have responsibilities that take a lot of my time (being a breadwinner and a single mom) I can't have sex with him if he can't commit.

    I let him do most of the work since I feel that I'm the girl and he shouldn't feel that I like him a lot. I do show him that I appreciate his efforts by thanking him, talking to him on the phone often (but I've never called him), and kissing him. We just one issue which is not having enough time to be together, and we're already lucky if we get to spend 2 hours of dating in a day.

    But 2 months ago, we had the chance to meet at my place and we made out. I wasn't just comfortable doing that at my house and I told him that, because I wanted him to feel that my parents' house isn't really the best place to do it. He said before he left that we'll still see each other and exchange text messages. Yet I noticed something strange: he borrowed my laptop to do social networking stuff, checked on his photos and showed one to me, mentioning a female co-worker of his out of the blue. I didn't feel good about it but I didn't show him that I was that bothered.

    I noticed that after that day of making out, he started disappearing little by little...no text the whole day, then the day after that he just sent me a text that he has a lot of problems. I told him to keep praying, since it was the third time that he told me he has a lot of problems and he didn't talk much about it when I asked him the first and second time. Days after that I got no texts and I found out later on that during that weekend that we were supposed to meet like always, he went on vacation with his colleagues (and that girl he talked about) and they, not the company, paid for it. It made me feel bad because he didn't tell me anything about the vacation, and he said money was a big problem to him that time during the first time I asked what his problem was.

    When he came back from vacation, he didn't even explain why he didn't text me that long...he didn't even apologize. He instead started treating me differently and would just send me general good morning quotations. In person, he was already avoiding me, leaving me hanging. A few weeks after, he and his colleagues went on vacation again (he also paid for his share) and I saw their photos online that he was always beside that female colleague.

    What made things worse for me is that I saw him, two his colleagues and the girl in our own hometown. He brought them over and showed them around. I was so curious if he already has a relationship with the girl, and I had the chance to catch them on a double date with the two other colleagues. I could tell with the look on their faces that they never expected me to see them on the spot, yet I didn't make a scene. I just stared at him and the girl and didn't make a scandal or confrontation. They can't stare back at me long enough, so I assumed they were guilty of making me look like a fool for a long time.
    Since then, I never made an effort to contact him. He didn't contact me either, and I noticed that after the incident, he kept creating shout outs online that he's happy and in love (without referring to any girl in particular) and the girl would give comments that weren't too obvious that they're already an item.

    What hurts me is that the female colleague is a bit older than me, not the type who has simple needs and wants (he would often say that what he wanted in a girl is simplicity since he's a simple guy), and is too convenient for him that I thought wouldn't be a challenge to him at all unlike me who he pursued for 5 months (I didn't like him at first so I would really ignore him). I just don't understand if my being a single mom was really an issue, since he told me from the start he accepts me for who I am (unless his family's totally against the idea), or he's just a pathetic flirt. Another is he can make time with her even on weekends, unlike with me before. Yeah sure, she can go out with him even during late nights because she doesn't have a kid and parents to take care of. I also made it clear to the guy on the first month that we were dating that I can spend time with him late at night only if he's already my boyfriend or we're with friends (if we're not yet a couple). I don't want him to think that I can easily be that comfortable around him and he just might take advantage.

    I've been doing the NC with him for a week now, but within that period I accidentally bumped into him but I didn't expect him to show up in the area right then and there. I resisted the urge to stop walking and be approachable so I pretended to be talking to someone on my mobile phone and ignored him as I kept walking. As it happened, I noticed that he looked at me until I turned my back on me. Unlike the past few weeks, he didn't avoid me as I was going to where he was (since that was the only way I should take to go home) that's why he was able to look at me as I was "talking on the phone".

    Should I still go on considering what happened to us? I want him back because not all guys are open to dating single moms and I've fallen in love with him. I've been through a lot of failed relationships in the past and I wanted him to be my last, that I'll end up with him in the near future. I think I would still be open to give him another chance if his reason of cheating was his family wanted him to dump me and look for another girl who doesn't have a kid.

    Please help.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Zel,

      It's hard to say why he did what he did. If it's because of his family, then there's nothing you can do about it unless he decides to go against his family and be with you. If he just lost attraction, then this article is a good way to rebuild attraction with him. Regardless of his reasons, start no contact for a month.

      Reply
  • Barrett

    Hello Kevin,

    Thanks for your articles. They have given me a lot to think about and consider. I am currently going through a very strange 'break up' with my fiance of 4 years and there are some unique issues in our situation that are not really covered in your articles. I was hoping you could offer some suggestions for me.

    In the last year, things had been hard and unhappy in the relationship (particularly caused by financial issues). By September of this year, things seemed to be getting better, but in November, he went to cuba for a week and came back telling me he met someone he was madly in love with and wished to end things with me.

    Despite this, he has been surprisingly open to the idea of fixing things, though still wants a 'break'. That said, we still live together, a mutual decision not only because we don't want to physically have to make the move, but also because we don't want to separate. While I do believe creating space and time is productive, I'm in a situation where the 'no contact' period is impossible. I'm not sure how to give him the time and break he seems to want.

    In the last 3 months, we have had some really great and open talks. This has included talking about what we didn't like about the relationship and things that hurt us that we never talked about before. While some people argue there isn't a benefit to 'talking about the relationship', he's actually expressed that he likes it and is truly very open and honest when we do sit down and talk. He's even said that he feels closer to me every time we talk, even when it's hard.

    I believe he does have feelings for this woman down in cuba, though I think it is mostly based on infatuation and his decisions and actions right now seem more emotionally based than rationally based. However, he has said several times since his trip to cuba that he has strong feelings for me and would be devastated if he lost me. He has also in the past 3 weeks said, with a great deal of honesty, that he loves me. In other words, it feels as if I am changing his mind and heart about me and our relationship.

    However, he seems very confused about the situation which has resulted in his feelings and behaviour changing almost daily. He said he intended on ending things with me when he got back from cuba, but since being back, things have changed. With all the talking and attempts on both sides to 'fix things', we now have a stronger and deeper connection than we had before (a mutual opinion). He has admitted that since being back, the person I am now and the state of the current relationship is like night and day compared to before (his words).

    However, this hasn't stopped him from pursuing this woman down in cuba. I know he texts her every day to say he loves her and misses her and counts down the days until he sees her again. The fact that he managed to 'fall in love' with this woman who doesn't even speak english and wants to marry her and buy a house with her hours after meeting her seems, frankly, insane. It makes me think it is less about her and our relationship and more about something else. I wonder if the extreme level of intimacy and commitment to her within hours of meeting her fits the 'rebound relationship' definition from your article.

    During the past 3 months, I have definitely been guilty of making all the 'mistakes' you mention in your article. However, it is undeniable that my decisions to try fix things and act kind and caring towards him has been bringing him closer back to me. At the same time, I don't want to be 'the doormat' who lets him walk all over me.

    While I know every situation is different based on the individual, do you think it is better to keep trying to actively rekindle the relationship, or should I purposefully create space by restricting our contact, communication and the things I do for him? I don't want to appear cold and drive him away further, but I also don't want to facilitate him thinking he can have the woman in cuba while I'll still be here to do all the nice things he wants. It feels like a fine and delicate line.

    We are 3 months into this mess, and while a part of me wants to think this is a temporary thing I need to just let him do and wait out, another part of me feels like I need to win him back quickly before he runs off for good.

    What should I do at this point, considering all I've done and if I am unable to physically create space or make 'no contact'. How likely is it that people get back together after breaking up, especially in my situation, where his mind and heart seem preoccupied with the infatuation with another woman?

    Thanks for your time.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      It's definitely just infatuation and it's a rebound. I think it's better to create space and restrict contact for a while. However, you can have a talk with him before doing so telling him that you think this is best course of action right now since you feel disrespected by the fact that he is with the other women at the same time he is with you. Let him know that you will wait for him until he makes his decision but you will not be a doormat or his backup.

      Reply
  • ann

    hi, love the article, but i do need some advice. here is my situation.
    my boyfriend is in the military and stationed overseas, we have been together for two years and i just got back home from visiting him over christmas and new years.
    last weekend we skyped for a few hours and everything was ok, he even asked me to come visit him next month and that he would take me camping. four days later i get a text from him saying 'i have feelings for someone else' i texted back just saying what?? cause that was my first reaction. i did not try to get him to explain anything yet and he has not texted me back. is that still considered a rebound? how can he go from 'come visit me next month' to 'hey i replaced you' within the short amount of only 4 days???

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's entirely possible he cheated on you and was lying to you when he asked you to visit him. It's hard to say if it's a rebound. I guess the best course of action is to stay no contact and wait for him to contact you. Give him some time, and if he doesn't contact you, you should contact him and ask him if he cheated on you.

      Reply
    • Hope

      Hi Kevin,

      I'm very lost at the moment, so a response would be much appreciate.

      I came across your site and am starting to follow the 5 steps and have recently began the 30 day NC period. The thing is, my boyfriend and I haven't officially broken up in the sense of verbally confirming it, however after numerous arguments over the telephone and him continuously hanging to the telephone on me, I decided to block contact with him and not allow text/ phone call communication.

      I'm currently at university and so live away from home where my boyfriend is. This however, isn't very far, just about 2 hours on the train. Anyway - were together for a year when things started to get difficult between us, so I had to break the relationship off with him to give us both space to get ourselves back on track. He was suffering and so was I. During this period (3 months) we stayed in contact, but it was no longer intimate/ relationship like - he would just tell me how much he loved me whilst I would encourage him to move on with his life. During this time I admit that I was completely in-denial about the fact that I was still in love with him. It was as if the undeniability was a coping mechanism for me at the time to heal after the hurt that had been caused.

      Anyway, after the 3 months, are conversations became more involved and I started to open up to him and reconnect again and things were getting better. However this was only over the telephone. Just before Christmas, something really bad happened to me involving another male taking advantage and of course I went to my boyfriend for support. Of course he was very angry at the person who did wrong to me and got quite protective. He was very supportive for a few days until the following happened. Well he became relatively distant and conversations became few and far between. He told me that he had started speaking to another girl from stupid facebook... So of course, I made sure to back off and leave him to it. It hurt so so so much and I really couldn't believe he could do that to me full stop, let alone during a time that I was extremely vulnerable. I have since started counselling and am now on medication for depression.

      After a day or so of not speaking, he contacts me to let me know that he had cut off all contact with this girl and that nothing has happened.
      He also came to visit me and we slept together. I thought everything was okay from here and that he had a moment of uncertainly due to the way I made him feel during our 3 month break. I went back home for Christmas and we spent a night together. The following day he began to act distant yet again, saying things we moving too fast. Guess what? I find out again that he went back to this girl and they were spending time again. This behaviour continued another two times, both of which I forgave. Finally, the last time he came back to tell me he had made a huge mistake involved me asking him to call the girl in my presence, whereby we spoke and I found out they slept together. What?! The night that I knocked round his house and he wouldn't let me in because he had her upstairs. Why was he letting a young girl sleeping at his house if he loved me and didn't want anything to happen? I can't make sense of it.

      So a week or so go by, whereby I continue to ignore him. He tried to visit me at home, bring flowers, letters etc. all of which I ignore. Just before I leave to return to uni,
      I agreed to meet him, however this just ended up involving us going for a walk outside and me shouting at him saying "how could you do this?", "why did you go with someone so young?", "but she's so different to me" etc etc. Since then I returned to uni and he continuously called/ text me letting me know how sorry he was and that he'd do anything to show me no matter how long it takes. After a lot of effort, I gave in believing that he was truly sorry. He was very good and supportive for a month, after which his efforts started lacking and would refuse to answer my questions. He started wanting more and more from me. I helped him finically and got him out a loan. I'm a student! He continuously let's me down with payments, which is due to his financial issues associated with drug use. I've always been good to him (well...most of the time). I want more than the world for him to just respect me and treat me like he loved me, as he says he does.

      So now after letting me down with payments, shouting at me and hanging up continuously, I didn't know what else to do other than to block contact with him. Kevin, I know from reading this what you will think, but he is a good person deep down; affectionate, caring, funny and loving, however this dark side is extremely overwhelming.

      I want to follow the NC rule, which you say will make him want me back and wonder what I'm up to and care etc. However, more importantly, I want to be happy with him and maintain that happiness. How can I gain the respect and treatment that I deserve. I love him very dearly - I'm not sure if he truly knows this. It's as if he never truly listens or care about how I feel,

      Thanks.