What do you do when the love of your life breaks up with you and moves on?

What do you do if you want to get your ex girlfriend back, but she has a new boyfriend?

When all you want to do is make her happy, make her feel appreciated, and make her feel loved; but you can’t?

Worse yet, what do you do when she is doing all those things with another guy?

This article will answer your questions. The questions that have been plaguing you until you found your way to this page.

Is there still hope to win her back from another man?

I have been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. And I can tell you, with almost certainty, that there is still hope provided the following conditions are met.

  1. You and your ex girlfriend were together for a reasonable amount of time. (at least more than 3 months)
  2. You and your ex shared a meaningful connection and had a good relationship at one point of time.

Now if the above conditions are not met, you may still have a chance. You can still try doing what this article suggests, but you should also prepare to move on because your chances are probably very slim.

In this article, I will help you formulate a step by step plan to help you get your ex girlfriend back when she has another boyfriend. I will also help you prepare for all the challenges you will likely face as you are trying to get her back.

But for me to effectively do that, I need two things from you.

1. I need you to read this entire article. Don’t skip to a different section because you might miss an important detail.

I have seen a lot of my readers and clients make mistakes that I tell them very clearly not to make. You are especially vulnerable because your ex is dating someone else and your mind is probably panicking hard.

2. I need you to be honest. Be honest with yourself, with your girlfriend, and with me (if we ever communicate), as we move forward in this journey together.

Honesty is very important if you want to win her back permanently. If you don’t want to lose her again, you better build your new relationship on strong foundations.

The Basic Game Plan

When it comes to getting your ex girlfriend back from her new boyfriend, you must have a game plan. Read this article on getting your ex girlfriend back to find out what the basic plan is. And yeah, it’s free.

I’ve designed that guide in stages, just like a video game. It will help you figure out exactly what to do in each stage of getting her back.

If you are too lazy to read it, here’s the gist of it.

  1. Don’t make any mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Do no contact for a while.
  3. Become a better version of yourself during no contact.
  4. Re-establish contact when you are ready after no contact.
  5. Slowly rebuild attraction, connection and trust until you are back together.

This article is a supplement to this guide with 5 stages to win your ex girlfriend back for your specific situation. So click on the link above and read it.

Once you have read it, come back here to find out how to get your ex girlfriend back when she is dating another guy.

 

What we will cover in this article

In this article, we are going to cover each stage of getting your ex girlfriend back from your perspective.

That means

  • We will talk about the major mistakes you should avoid if she is dating a new boyfriend.
  • Effective way to do no contact if she is dating someone else.
  • Effective way to heal during no contact if she is with another guy
  • Effective way and an effective time to reestablish contact
  • And effective strategies that will help you make her leave the other guy and be with you.

Let’s begin.

Part 1: The Mistakes That will Push your Ex Girlfriend into Another Man’s Arms.

When your ex starts dating someone else, your mind panics and you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will push her further away.

I cover a lot of mistakes that most guys make after a breakup in stage 1 of this article. These basic mistakes include

  • Texting or calling her all the time
  • Being a Doormat
  • Getting Angry and Calling Her Names
  • Begging And Pleading Her To Take You Back

In this section, I won’t be talking about these mistakes.

But I will try to list out some of the most common mistakes that a lot of guys make when they find out their ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend

Mistake 1: Comparing yourself with the other guy

Comparing yourself to her new boyfriend is only going to make you feel terrible. When you compare yourself to him, you are going to come to one of either two conclusions.

He is better than me.

“She found someone better than me. He has a better job. He has a better body. He is taller. He got a full head of hair. He is more handsome than me. He is a player and knows how to manipulate women. He treats her better than I treated her.”

In all those superficial terms, the other guy might be better than you. But in the end, her relationship with this new guy will depend on the type of connection she develops with him.

If she is mentally and emotionally ready for a new relationship, she might develop a strong connection with her new boyfriend. But in most cases, it will be a rebound relationship and it won’t matter how successful, and amazing the new guy is.

I am better than him

On the flip side, it may look on the surface that you are better than the other guy in every possible way. Be it health, wealth, status, sexual compatibility or the way you treated her.

don't compare yourself with her new boyfriend

It still does not make much of a difference. Again, if she has moved on emotionally and mentally; and she builds a strong connection with the new guy; she will forget about you and move on.

So even if you are sure that you are better than the other guy, don’t get complacent. You still might lose her if you don’t play your cards right.

 

Mistake 2: Talking to her about the other guy

If comparing yourself with the other guy in your mind is a mistake; doing so with her is an HUGE MISTAKE.

If you try to tell her how bad the new guy is for her, you are only going to push her further away and into the new guy’s arms.

Why?

I want you to think of a TV show with a girl rebelling against her father by dating a douche-bag. Someone her father disapproves of.

There are literally hundreds of TV shows that have made an episode on this plot line. (Although, for some reason, my mind is blank on examples. If you think of an episode, let me know in the comment section).

The reason there are so many TV show episodes based on this, is because this is a very common occurrence.

Girls (and humans in general) will always try to prove that they know themselves better than anyone else.

That they can take care of themselves and that they know what’s best for them.

If you try to tell her that she is wrong about her decisions, she will go the extra mile to prove you wrong.

You must avoid this at all cost.

Don’t try to convince her to leave her new boyfriend. Leaving her new boyfriend has to be HER DECISION. Not yours.

Instead, just build attraction and connection with her to the point she decides to leave the other guy for you.

Mistake 3: Freaking out about your ex girlfriend sleeping with the other guy

Unfortunately, there is no way you can stop her from sleeping with someone else. I know for some guys, the thought of your ex girlfriend in bed with someone else is sickening.

But if she decides to have sex with someone else; she is not doing anything wrong. You both have broken up and she is not cheating on you by sleeping with the other guy.

And if you freak out about it and try to control her actions; you will only look needy, controlling and manipulative.

And guess what? It will just make her want to sleep with the new guy even more.

Can you do something to stop her from having sex with someone else?

In very rare situations, you can. But you should not try doing this until you are absolutely sure what you are doing.

Here’s one situation where you can influence her decision,

If you and your ex are speaking regularly; and she is honest to you about wanting to sleep with someone else; you can do one of the following.

A. You can either give her your approval to sleep with the other guy (which we can both agree is out of the question)

B. You can get angry, call her a bunch of degrading names and give her an ultimatum. This will definitely push her towards the other guy.

C. You can be calm about it. Tell her that if she does choose to sleep with someone else; it will hurt you terribly.

Tell her that you have chosen to not have sex with someone else until she is in your life in any capacity. And tell her that you understand if that’s what she chooses to do and you will still respect her.

Being honest in this way will make her want to not lose you and will probably make her stay loyal to you despite the breakup.

Mistake 4: Treating her like she is still your Girlfriend

A lot of guys treat their breakup like it’s just a fight.

That if you just somehow convince her that you understand your mistakes and you have changed; she will forgive you, come back and you will live happily ever after.

She isn’t just upset. You are broken up. She even has another boyfriend. This is a whole different game. Here is why.

A. Telling her how you understand her and how you won’t make the same mistakes again, will make it look like you are trying to win her back from another guy. This will make her put up her defenses because she will want to stick to her decision.

B. Telling her that you will do what she wants (get married, spend more time with her, make her a priority etc.); is not going to work now. You had your chance to prove to her that you can change. She gave up on you and broke up with you.

C. She is no longer trying to make you jealous. If she is in a new relationship with another guy, it’s not the same as her flirting with some other guy to make you jealous. It’s because she is trying to move on. (Note: Just because she is trying doesn’t necessarily mean she will.)

So how do you show her things will be different this time?

We will get into that as you read the rest of this article. For now, just remember to not make any of these mistakes that will likely push her into the other guys arms and/or drive you crazy.

Mistake 5: “Is My Ex-Girlfriend in a rebound” Obsession

In a lot of cases, it will be obvious if she is in a rebound relationship. You can read more about the signs of a rebound relationship here.

But in some cases, a lot of guys obsess over her being in a rebound too much. They are constantly looking out for signs of a rebound and keeping tabs on her through social media or common friends.

don't obsess over your ex's rebound relationship

Here’s a general rule of thumb. If you are not sure she is in a rebound, consider it a rebound.

You still make your moves assuming she is in a rebound. If it’s not a rebound, you will soon realize this by the way she replies to you.

Besides, there is always a chance her rebound relationship turns into a serious one in the future. And there’s always a chance her serious relationship ends in shambles just like a rebound.

 

Part 2: Doing No Contact When She is with Her New Boyfriend

A lot of guys are resistant towards the idea of doing no contact when their ex girlfriend starts dating someone else.

  • If I don’t stay in touch with her, she will keep getting closer to the other guy and will fall in love with him.
  • I need to stay in her radar and make sure she doesn’t forget about me.
  • I can’t let them get closer while I sit here and do nothing.

Doing no contact is important if your ex girlfriend is dating someone else. Here’s why.

  1. You need to get your mind to stop panicking so you don’t make any obvious mistakes.
  2. You need to figure out if getting your ex girlfriend back is the right decision for you.
  3. You need to give her rebound relationship some time to end. In most cases, she will realize that her new relationship is empty and she will dump the other guy.
  4. In some cases, she will get dumped by the new guy. (This happens usually if the new guy is a player and does not want a serious relationship)
  5. By doing no contact (even if she is dating the other guy), you are conveying to your ex that you are more confident and secure in yourself than ever before. This will give you extra attraction points when you get back in touch with her later (read more about getting your ex girlfriend back with no contact.

What if she wants me to fight for her?

If your ex is dating someone else after the breakup, she is not doing this to get you to fight for her.

She is probably doing it because she wants to move on.

To give you an idea on what’s going on in her head. Here’s what the ex girlfriend of one of my client said to him about her new boyfriend. My client was able to get her to be honest and open up about how she felt.

She also went on to tell me that her dating this guy is a new thing and that it wasn’t what she thought it would be and it’s unfulfilling; however, she needs to move on.

In my experience, most girls who go into a relationship too fast after a breakup do so because they want to move on. They do it because they hope being with someone else will help them forget the breakup pain and fill the hole in their life that you left.

As you can see in my client’s case, this does not go the way they hope it goes.

Yes, a part of her wants you to win her back so she doesn’t have to go through the breakup pain.

But that’s only a small part of her. A huge part of her wants to stay broken up because that’s what she decided to do. (this was also the case with my client in the above example)

don't fight for your ex girlfriend from a position of weakness

You will fight for her, but not from a position of weakness. You will do this from a position of strength. And no contact is important for that.

In some rare cases; your ex might be so immature that she is dating other guy just to make you jealous and do something out of desperation.

If that’s the case, you should still do no contact before making a move. The best way to deal with immaturity is by being mature and calm. You can take the power away from her by focusing on yourself and healing as we discuss in the next section.

Part 3: Healing During No Contact When she is dating someone else

Healing during no contact is essential if you want to look confident and attractive when you get back in touch with her after no contact.

While she is trying to avoid the breakup pain and grief by going through the honeymoon stage with the other guy; you are going to be doing the hard work.

She might find a momentary relief from the rebound relationship; but she will eventually have to face the reality. That she lost someone close to her too and it’s freaking painful.

And that’s when you strike. That’s when you show her that you are a new person. That’s when you start rebuilding attraction and connection with her.

That’s when you plant an idea in her mind. The idea that if you get back together, it might be an amazing relationship.

It’s important that you heal during no contact for that to happen. Here is what you should keep in mind during no contact.

Block your ex from everywhere if you can’t stop obsessing over her and the new guy.

This is the only solution if the thought of your ex and the new guy is not getting out of your head.

If she is being immature about this thing and blasting her new relationship all over Facebook, twitter, Instagram, snapchat or her WhatsApp status, you should block her.

In some cases, your ex girlfriend might be immature enough to play this post breakup game of who is doing better. This, in reality, is a sign that she still loves you and is not over you.

But if you can’t stop obsessing over her, you won’t be able to focus on yourself.

You won’t be able to calm down, heal, and become more confident. This is why you must block her from all social media.

This will not make her forget about you and move on.

On the contrary, when you take the power she has over you; she is going to panic and will be forced to look inside herself and realize that she really misses you and her new relationship is shallow.

 

Use This Time to Heal

You lost someone special to you. Don’t expect to feel great all of a sudden.

You are going to feel like shit. And that’s okay.

In fact, if you didn’t feel like shit occasionally; I will think there is something very wrong with you.

ex back permanently is great for healing after a breakup

So, cut yourself some slack and when you feel like shit, just let yourself feel like shit.

If you feel like crying, go ahead and cry.

If you feel like punching the wall in anger, go ahead and punch the wall in anger (or choose to punch the pillow and avoid the regret).

The point is, grief is hard and painful. Accept it.

It only gets better with time (although, you can fast track this. I’ll talk about it in the 5th part of this article). But you must also balance out the grief with something positive and constructive.

Use this time to Become a better version of yourself.

Healing alone will not be enough to get your ex girlfriend back if she has moved on to a new boyfriend. You need to become a better person.

Here are a few things I believe you should work on if you want to win her back and keep her forever.

Confidence:

The most attractive trait a guy can have.

Do you know that girls rate confidence as the most attractive trait in a guy? (According to many surveys that I am too lazy to link here)

Luckily, confidence is something that can be learned. The easiest way is to start being honest with yourself and everyone else. Stop trying to hide your feelings because your subconscious mind thinks you don’t deserve anything nice. Face your shame and anxiety head on. I have some actionable tips on building confidence in my awesome article on getting your ex girlfriend back.

Start believing in yourself and start being honest about what you want and what you don’t want. Guys who are honest, are always perceived as confident as opposed to guys who aren’t.

Another great way to portray more confidence is by setting life goals about things that you are passionate about and working on them.

Physical Attractiveness:

When I talk about becoming a better version of yourself; I want you to try to work on every aspect of your life.

Working on your physical appearance is a great way to feel better about yourself, heal from the breakup and become more confident.

Your ex was already attracted to you physically. So, this isn’t something you need to worry about much.

But you can increase your chances by going to the gym, bulking up (or slimming down), getting a new haircut, getting your teeth cleaned; or by getting new trendy clothes.

Emotional Intelligence:

Being confident and looking good is something that attract girls to you in the first place. But the thing that keeps them with you for a long time, is emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is something that girls find extremely attractive once they get close to you. In fact, I’d say most girls leave guys because of lack of emotional intelligence.

Because if a guy can’t understand her feelings and can’t solve issues in the relationship; she will slowly lose the romantic connection with him.

If you can be empathic; understand her, understand her fears, her desires, her strengths, her weaknesses, her life goals; you will be irresistible for her.

girlfriends don't breakup with boyfriends who understand them

Almost everyone has a deep desire to be understood and accepted by someone they love and are attracted to.

By being confident and looking attractive; you can make her attracted to you; but you won’t get her to fall deeply in love with you unless you work on your emotional intelligence (we will talk more about it in the Advanced Tactics section discussed later in this article).

 

Part 4: Re-Establishing contact with an Ex-Girlfriend Who has a new Boyfriend

In this section, we are going to talk about re-establishing contact with your ex-girlfriend.

When she is dating someone else, you must consider a few things before contacting your ex.

Should you wait for her to dump her new boyfriend before contacting her?

As I said before, there’s a pretty good chance her new relationship is a rebound and it will end sooner or later.

If you read this guide on getting your ex girlfriend back; you know it’s important that you establish contact with your ex after no contact.

So, what is the ideal time to reach out after no contact?

In an ideal world, you will contact her a few days after her rebound has ended. When she is feeling down and miserable about the breakup and is missing you terribly.

Unfortunately, we don’t really live in an ideal world. There’s a chance that your ex might drag her rebound relationship a lot longer than necessary.

In some cases, you might not be aware of her relationship status and you won’t even know if she has ended her new relationship.

In some cases, it might not even be a rebound relationship. It might be a serious relationship that she really wants to last.

This is why, I recommend that you contact her whenever you are ready.

Once you feel you have the right mindset, you have built enough confidence in yourself, and you have acquired the right tools and skills; you should contact her. (I talk about mindset, skills and tools in this article on what to do after no contact).

There is no point in waiting for something to happen that may never happen. If you are confident that you are ready, you should take the plunge and contact her.

Just the right text or email from you might just be the straw that will break the rebound camel’s back.

rebound camel

Rebound Camel – If it becomes a thing, remember you heard about it at Ex Back Permanently first.

 

Use Text Messages To Contact Her When She Is Dating Someone Else

Text messages have a unique advantage when your ex is dating someone else. She can look at your text messages at her own time and reply to them if she feels like speaking to you.

Moreover, if her new boyfriend finds out that she is texting you, there’s a good chance he will get jealous and it will lead to a fight. And he will look insecure if he is snooping into her text messages to find out what you texted.

What to say when you Contact her?

It really depends on the way things ended between you two. Read my article on texting your ex girlfriend to figure out the best way to contact her.

In most cases; the elephant in the room text (or email) will be ideal to contact her.

Where to go from there?

Once you have re-established contact with her, it’s time to slowly start rebuilding attraction with her. Again, read my article on texting or my super article on winning her back in 5 stages.

However, the approach you take and your chances of success will vary depending on the type of relationship your ex girlfriend has with her new boyfriend.

How To Get Her back When She Is Just Seeing Someone Else?

When your ex girlfriend is just going on dates with some other guy and has not really started considering him as her new boyfriend; you can be a little aggressive in your approach.

How do you know if she is just dating the other guy and does not consider him a boyfriend?

In most cases, you can tell this simply by the way she speaks to you. If she has not started a relationship with him yet; she will respond to you more frequently and will enjoy the attention she will receive from you. She will want to weigh her options before making a decision.

How do you increase your chances?

If you have done everything right till now (the steps mentioned in part 3 of this article); she will notice the changes in you and will start doubting her decision of breaking up with you. Your goal is to try to get her to meet you as soon as possible (Read Stage 4 of this article).

But, if you have not healed till now and you are not ready; she will choose the other guy over you and might even decide to commit to him.

If you are not emotionally and mentally ready to reconnect with her, you should let her get into a rebound.

You should not rush it in hopes that you can stop her from starting a relationship with another man.

Think of it in terms of your chances of winning her back. Your chances of winning her back when you are needy, insecure and unattractive are very less compared to your chances of winning her back from a rebound if you are confident and a new better version of yourself.

If you act needy and desperate at this stage; you will confirm her belief that breaking up was the right decision and it will get even harder for you to get her back in the future.

You should choose to lose this battle if it means winning the war.

How To Get Her Back If She Is In a Rebound Relationship?

Her new relationship might be a rebound; but you must still respect it. You must set boundaries in the way you flirt with her. You don’t want her cheating on her new boyfriend to be with you. This is a bad way to start a new relationship with a person you love.

Instead, you must slowly develop an emotional and physical attraction with her. You want her to get confused about her feelings for you and her commitment to her new boyfriend.

You want her to realize that her feelings for you are much stronger than the other guy. This is how you make her decide to leave him for you.

How To Get Her Back if She is Committed About Her New Relationship?

If she is serious about making her new relationship work, you will have to be very careful and very patient with this. (Read this article on rebounds to find out if she is in a rebound)

She wants her new relationship to work and is committed to her new guy. Convincing her to be with you is going to take a lot of patience and a lot of luck.

But if you think she is worth it; then you owe it to yourself to give it a try. Although, I highly recommend that you try only once; and if she does not respond positively; you leave her alone and move on.

You are better off spending your time and energy focusing on yourself, moving on and attracting new girls. It’s better than waiting for her when she is committed to someone else.

You both might still get back together in the far future; but there is no point in keeping hope if it’s stopping you from moving on.

Create a rift by being the bigger guy

If you do things that make it super obvious you want her to breakup with her new boyfriend; it will make your ex-girlfriend put up her defenses and cut you out.

Instead, you need to just be the best version of yourself and focus on rebuilding attraction and connection with your ex girlfriend. As she starts feeling more and more attracted towards you, she will start feeling more and more distant from her new boyfriend.

This will especially be true if your ex girlfriend is in a rebound.

 

Part 5: Strategies to get her to meet you and leave her new boyfriend

Getting her to meet you

Getting her to meet you while she is still dating the other guy is going to be a big challenge. This is especially true if she is committed to the new relationship.

In most cases, her new relationship is going to be a rebound and she (or her new boyfriend) will eventually end it.

But in case they don’t, you start by making first contact and slowly start rebuilding attraction with her.

Hopefully, just getting back in touch with you and realizing she still has feelings for you should be enough for her to break up with her new boyfriend.

If that doesn’t work, you must find a way to get her to meet you.

Girls usually consider meeting an ex; without the knowledge of your boyfriend or girlfriend; a betrayal of trust.

Naturally, she doesn’t want to consider herself as someone who betrays the trust of the guy she is seeing.

So, she is probably going to deny your invitation of meeting up, even if she has feelings for you and wants to meet up. She simply wants to maintain her integrity in her own eyes.

Of course, there are exceptions to the above rule, and if you think your ex-girlfriend is one, you can straight up ask her out on a coffee or to meet up for drinks.

But if you think your ex-girlfriend holds herself to high standards; you might want to find a loophole for her dilemma.

And the best way to do that is to ask her out on a group activity.

A camping trip, a concert, a special event or a mutual friend’s party. These are all great ways to give her an excuse to see you without making her feel like she is betraying her new boyfriend.

Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Dump Her New Boyfriend

If you have followed everything in this article, then your ex-girlfriend will probably dump her new boyfriend by herself.

But if she needs a little push, you must give her a strong reason to dump her new boyfriend for you.

The best way to do that is if you can show her (not tell her); that everything will be different this time. You need to do this in a way that doesn’t make it look like you are just doing this to get her back.

You need to show her that you have really changed for the better and you are going to be this way whether or not you get her back.

You want her to realize that you are a high-quality guy and the next girl you are going to be with is going to be very lucky.

And you want her to wish that she is that girl.

Advanced Tactics

We have covered a lot of ground in this article. If you are still interested in more from me, I highly recommend you take this quiz and subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of insights to my subscribers that are not posted on my website.

In my email series, I share many more tactics which you can use to get your ex-girlfriend to leave her new boyfriend and get back together with you.

To Recap,

Here’s how to get your ex girlfriend back if she has a new boyfriend.

  1. Don’t make any mistakes that make you look needy or desperate.
  2. Start no contact, even if you are scared she will move on with the other guy (she won’t if it’s a rebound.)
  3. Figure out what you need to do during no contact to effectively win her back when you are ready.
  4. Get Back in touch with her in the right way according to your situation.
  5. Get Her to dump the other guy by using the tactics you learned.

 

 

 

 

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175 comments ...add one

  • Marcus

    Hey Kevin,
    Me and my ex were dating for 6 months. The first 5 months were good. We had some bumps on the way but we managed to stick it through. The 6th month however was the worst. We kept fighting about her boy best friend because I had a feeling that he likes her. I told her to cut him off because I didn’t like how he is with her. But she refused.... So each day we kept fighting about it when it came to the point where she said she lost all her love for me and wants to break up but be best friends. So I accepted it but I was broken. So I made the mistake of telling her that I’ll die and I need her in my life and kept telling her I will change. But she refused and said that she wants to focus on herself and her schoolwork. She tells me how she needs time alone about a week. But then 2 weeks after the relationship she moved on with her boy best friend I said liked her. So I got really upset and triggered and told her that how I’m better than him, how he ain’t the right guy for her how I am, and how she never cared about me. She told me that she didn’t break up with me just to be with him that she’s moved on and told me the reason why we broke up is because of our arguments everyday, her stress that came with the arguments, and me not being the person who she fell in love with. But I still want to be with her. I don’t want to make the same mistake of losing her. And I can’t let her drift away from me. How do I make her come back to me and leave that guy? Is this a rebound relationship? What can I make her do to make her see that I can make changes for her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Remember that while this guy may have had intentions all along to be with her, her relationship with you was what prevented him any chance of doing so and in turn remained best friends with her through the period. Although the fighting was caused because you felt insecure about him, nothing was going to happen as long as she had feelings for you still. She was right in saying that it was the arguments and stress from it that led to the breakup, which gave him the chance to finally move in after she broke up with you. Honestly, instead of outrightly trying to win her back, which paints you as a needy and desperate person, take some time to recover now and I suggest making the same move as he did in sticking by her as friends and not overstepping boundaries. Let the relationship self-destruct on its own and help her through it, instead of trying to break them up directly.

      Reply
  • ChanceB85

    Hey guys or gals, My name is Chance and I was just wondering if anyone actually comments back on this at all still? If so here goes. My ex and I dated for 3 years, we met and kinda skipped the proper courting stages and had sex right away really. She got pregnant within months and have a gorgeous 2 year old baby girl together. We moved in together and she had a son already that 4 at the time. She wanted what any single mother would want and that’s a man to step up and be her everything for her and her child, our child together. We tried to work through our personal differences while figuring out how to love each other and we failed more than we succeeded. I had major trust issues from my past long before I met her and let that be he main reason I was unwilling to fully commit and try my hardest. I was selfish and greedy with her and her emotions and I have chased her off into the arms of another man I can’t even begin to explain how much I regret it. Any advice or talk would help so much it’s insane.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the duration of relationship and link you share with your ex because of the kid, it's likely that this current guy is a rebound who provides her with novel feelings that she probably didn't feel with you, especially towards the end of the relationship. I would suggest giving her some space before reaching out to connect with her again. You can start off initially with wanting to spend time with your kid, which gives you an opportunity to remain in contact with her, and eventually subtely show her through your interactions with her that you've changed since breaking up.

      Reply
  • max kendall

    My girlfriend Broke up with me after 5 days at uni. I wasn't their for her the first couple of days and one guy was and she is now with him. I miss her so much but she thinks the new girl will treat her so much better. Is their anything I can do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she could decide so quickly to drop her current relationship simply to chase down something new, then you may not want to push for her to come back, at least not for the time being because until her emotional maturity grows, there's a good chance of her repeating the same actions whenever someone comes along.

      Reply
  • J.T

    Ok to start it off. I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We didn’t get into the relationship in the best way. She cheated on her long term partner with me after we became really close friends. She later on broke up with him but we decided to take it slow and dated two months before getting together. We were really happy but by the time we got to our second year we started to drift apart. Both of us were working long hours and didn’t spend much time together, we also resented each other’s careers because of it which only pushed us apart further. I started to lose attraction for her and it upset her. We got into arguments about not caring enough for one another. She then decided to dump me. Two weeks later she is going out with my best friend who I have been friends with for 20 years. This hurt me a lot, it also hurt me because it is a fairly long distance relationship which is something she said she would never do. Part of me really hates her for what she has done to me but the other is that I really miss her and see that I didn’t appciate her the way I should have. `She was always pretty adiment that we would never get back together. So I took 1 month off with no contact, worked on my self. Two days after no contact she messaged me out of the blue saying that she is so sorry for how things happened and that see felt bad of how she handled it. She said that she doesn’t want me to feel like I have lost her or that I can never speak to her. She said she is much happier now and that her BF (my ex best friend) makes her happy. However we text quite frequently and she replies to me quite quickly. I am not sure if her boyfriend knows or not. The problem is I don’t know what to do. I really care about her and want her back but also part of me wants revenage and another part feels like I could never trust her. How should I proceed? Would I be able to get her back permenantly?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely want to win her back, you're going to have to work on first getting over the resentment and lingering feelings of distrust, or both aspects would come back to eventually haunt the relationship even if you do succeed in getting her back.

      Reply
  • noordin

    hey Kevin. my girlfriend and i get back together but broke up again. i figured i was insecure, controlling and manipulative. she told me she still love me and she is considering someone else but she want to give us a shot because she believes we had something incredible. we've been in a relationship for 2 years and 3 months. im 24 and my girlfriend is 22

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she is willing to give it another shot, I would suggest doing your best to make changes and to address the issues that caused the relationship to fall apart. Understand your reasons for feeling insecure and the need to control or manipulate, and perhaps consider being more mindful to avoid doing it to her or she would probably leave for good because by then, she would have determined that you haven't changed and given up altogether.

      Reply
  • Janus

    Im 21yrs old and my ex gf is 20yrs where on same sex relationship (girl-girl) we've been on our relationship about 4yrs and 1month. We broke up because her thinking is what if one day she wants to form a family or marry a guy. I asked her if shes happy or if shes still loves me she said shes happy and she loves me so much and we dont have any problem on our relationship. She didnt have a boyfriend since then im her first long term relationship. Were broke up about 2months but after our break up she starts entertaining the guy whose chatting her. I think by now there in a relationship the guy and my ex. She blocked me on IG and twitter but she didnt block me on facebook, she keeps on posting on Facebook mentioning the guy like shes trying let everyone's know that shes in a relationship with the guy and shes very lucky to have her hence shes not that type of person because shes a private type in terms of relationship. I dont know if shes still into me or shes on a rebound relationship. What will i do to get her back? Please help me

    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      These situations can be a bit tricky because sometimes a girl can go through phases where they seek different things. It doesn’t mean she never loved you or that she stopped loving you, but just that she might have started to realize the need for wanting to be in a relationship with a male and staring a family down the road. If that’s her path she decides to take, you might have to honestly consider letting go because it’s hard for her to turn back once she’s made her mind up and even if turns out to be a rebound, she may still not want to reconcile.

      Reply
  • jixster

    ive comment a while a go how can i know if someone replied on my comment?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you don't find your comment here, it's highly likely that your comment did not meet initial posting guidelines. If you have a lengthy situation and require more input regarding the matter, you could post your story on our forum boards where many of our community members would be more than willing to share personal advice.

      Reply
  • Greyson Pink

    Since last week, we broke up due to me hearing her complaining about our relationship and it really breaks my heart. She said that i changed my attitude and all her housemates however just ask her to break up when she's fighting. I open the door and initiate the break up myself. When she begged me to stay i choose to walk away. It is my greatest mistake ever. This week has been a terrible. I couldnt eat or sleep well as i missed her so much. I did some silly things like meeting her up to begged her to stay and texting her like i miss you. She told me when i turn my head away, she feels so much better. Shes my everything. And i couldnt imagine to lose her. Please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space, and work on those aspects she felt were issues in the relationship and question yourself if these were indeed things that you may have begun taking for granted later into the relationship which caused her the unhappiness.

      Reply
  • jamie poynton

    Hi im 18 so is my ex gf we were together for 2 years. She broke up with me for a number of reasons; commitment fears, wanting to be independent, because she couldnt be in a co-dependent relationship, because she didnt find me attractive anymore and stopped loving me. She said i was the right person and the wrong time and i believed her.

    3 days after she slept with a stranger, and has continually slept with him ever since, as well as having gone on a date with another guy. I asked her why and she said it is all just for fun and has no feelings, but it makes me feel sick. We've only been broken up a month and she's already sleeping with and dating random guys she doesnt even know.

    I want her back as a girlfriend but i have no idea how to do it, and how to make her realise she made the wrong decision. How do i convince her everything she's done since she dumped me is wrong and a mistake, and get her to want me for me, and want to be with me. We're friends at the moment and she says she loves me as a friend but doesn't want me back.

    Please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Unfortunately, only she can make that decision on her own to realize her mistakes of letting you go. One thing you can do to help with that is by focusing on yourself and improving aspects to make you look like a better catch. Show her these changes and get her to realize from there.

      Reply
    • Tay

      It is the first time we got a break up. Its been a week since then, i made some mistakes like begging her to stay and even got drunk to cause some trouble to her like calling her up and telling her i miss her. Also some short messages like i missed you, care for her like whether has her eaten. Im suspecting her to be sleeping with someone else but i couldnt do anything. Is there still chances for me to get back with her after no contact rule starting by now? We were together for 2.5years. Shes my everything. The reason of breaking up is because of me initiating after hearing she complains to her housemates about me changing my attitude to her. I dont cherish her enough and i look even more desperate now. Please help me.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You’ll have to stop reaching out for now and give both parties some time apart to let go of the negative opinions she may have of you, and for you to regather your composure. You can’t reach out like this anymore or you’ll only end up pushing her further away.

      Reply
    • jamie poynton

      How do i "Get her to realise from there" though? Are you saying i should change myself to make myself more attractive and stuff like that?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, that is the objective of our 5 step plan. We advocate for positive changes to create a better version of yourself because the current version causes the relationship to end. You can’t expect a different result from doing the same thing again which is where changes such as physical, emotional, and mental all come into importance.

      Reply
  • Arya Swastik

    How can i get her if I will not beg to come back....because she had moved on....please help me out ....i am frustrated

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Begging makes you look desperate and weak, and she will lose respect for you in the process. All the more if she has moved on, begging will only affirm her decision to walk away from you. Pick yourself up emotionally first, address the issues that you contributed towards the breakup, before reaching out and building attraction as if you were chasing her for the first time.

      Reply
  • Rex

    Hi,
    So my ex and I were together for about 13 months. In that 13 months we broke up several times due to fighting, but we always got back together after a week or less. Last November we broke up after a really tense situation and it lasted for 7 months. We tried dating and getting to know other people in that time, but we ended up back together last June. Unfortunately we broke up again in August and now I just found out that she's now back to dating the guy she was seeing before we got back together in June. Apparently they've been dating again for a few weeks now.

    I've already made some big mistakes like making her really angry at me after this break up and send long messages saying sorry and that I wanted her back. She's already blocked me from social media. I know I should initiate No Contact and I should try to improve myself and try to fix the toxic parts of our relationship, which I have been doing, but how long do I do NC for? And do you think I still have a chance at getting her back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might have to consider if getting back is truly the best choice. In the time you've been dating her, the relationship has repeatedly ended which clearly indicates a problem between both parties which may require change from both ends and not just you. However, if you still intend to get back with her, 30 days of no contact seems right given the time frame of the you guys getting together from June till August. If after no contact, she is still dating the guy or doesn't indicate interest to be with you at that time, you might have to consider walking away even longer for now.

      Reply
  • Amu G

    Hi Kevin, I like your article and i think your advice is super helpful given my situation. My story is super long and i'd be happy to post it up here but I think what would be really helpful is if I can potentially get on a call with you to discuss my situation. do let me know.
    again, great write up

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      We provide personal email coaching with Kevin in which you'd be able to share your story with him and get one-to-one advice. More information can be found in this link.

      Reply
  • Hezron

    Hi Ryan. My ex and I had been dating from March 18 to around June 18 when everything fell apart. I was in the wrong because she found some texts on my phone when texting another girl and those messages were a bit naughty. She left and since then it’s been different. She ignores me and comes back oftenly. Last week she sent me an audio about how some guy we School with cause all of us 3 are in the same university and same class, the guy was telling her how much he’s in love with her. I got hurt and she started saying that why I’m I jealous and that I’ve been doing shit out here which is not true. I want my girl back. Please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps for the time being, it might be better to go into no contact to give her some space to let go of the bitter emotions she may be feeling. Apologize for your previous actions, and tell her that it might be better to spend some time apart. When you reach out again, try to make things up to her and show her that you have changed since then.

      Reply
  • Dylan

    Hi there Ryan, I just wanted to start off by saying I love your articles and they've helped me tremendously. With that being said, me and my girlfriend of 4 years broke up about 3 weeks ago, we are both 21 and we've only ever been with each other. She said that she wanted to break up to experience other people and try different things. I later found out that she had been talking to someone else. I do put the blame for this on myself because I wasnt the best boyfriend. I never showed any affection, didnt take her out, started to gain weight, didn't have a job, and none of the little things. Yet she still showered me with affection and always tried to put me on the right track, and I couldn't even let her know how much I appreciated that. Shes always been head over heels for me, and after the breakup it seemed like that girl I knew was gone. She was going out every night having fun with her new guy, getting to experience the things she never got with me for a while. I realized what I had lost and knew that I needed to get her back. So I stopped sitting around and got a job, switched my life habits, started going to the gym, and ended up losing over 15 pounds now. I tried telling her I'm changing for her and all I was accomplishing so far and all she said was that shes proud but it's too late and that I need to stop taking to her. So I did just that. Then just a couple days ago she came to drop off my clothes, I had no intention of talking to her, I was just going to take the clothes and leave it at that. But then she said she wanted to talk with me and I went along with it. We starting just talking about everything that had been going on in our lives for the past few weeks. We were having a great time and laughing ot up just taking about everything, but then she told me the past couple days she was having panic attacks (something she has a history of) and that she didnt know why. (and yes I realize it was just her playing coy) She also said things like hating how she isnt able to talk to me everyday and that she wished that it could have been us going out having fun every night. Then once again I try to tell her I can change for her and I just need one more chance yet she still is so insistent that it's not gonna happen. I messed up once again and resorted to the begging and bargaining and then she eventually left and went home. I texted her when she left to tell her I was being stupid, I didnt mean to scare her away, and that if she needed anything she could come to me. She said she understood and told me thank you, but also told me once again that we need to stop taking. I later found out that she could have gone to see her new guy that night if she wanted to, instead she chose to spend it with me. Since that night I decided to start no contact again and continue on improving myself. What I'm asking for here is your thoughts on my situation and should I be there for her if she needs it, or should I tell her no. Thanks for the reply in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The first contact seemed to have gone well until the begging and bargaining started, to which you might have caused her to withdraw again. Give things some space, and when you reach out the next time, try to keep your emotions in check and take things a step at a time. For now if she reaches out, you could consider being there for her but remember not to overstep any boundaries and make her uncomfortable.

      Reply
  • Glen Bakhuis

    Hi, me and my ex broke up at the start of this week because her dad was not happy with me as I’m not from his culture. Me and my ex were perfect with each other and rarely argued, not even fighting. When we argued we would talk it out with each other and come to terms with each other.

    Last week tho she started talking less to me because university had just started and she started going out with friends a lot more. When I talked to her about this, instead of our usual open to heart discussion she acted more defensive. Then at the end of the week she gave me her answer and asked to break up with me. Her reasons were the university and how she won’t have time for me (we are in a long distance relationship, 1000km away a bit more or less), which as usual I tried to find a solution for it by FaceTiming in the weekends and texting during the week. Not a big deal, right? That’s when she told me there was another reason in the back of her mind. Her dad didn’t approve of our relationship and had told her to end it with me or she’d be kicked outside the house. He went as far as to hit her with handkerchieves, so she as to follow her dad’s wishes she decided to break up with me.

    I agreed to her request when I heard the real reason and we broke up on good terms. Both crying about how unfair this is and asking why we can’t be together just like any other happy couple.

    I haven’t talked to her or messaged her since then, so according to this guid I’m on the right track. I also didn’t try to use pity to win her back when she wanted to break up. But the more I think about the reason being her dad and not fighting or not agreeing about something, the more difficult it seems we’ll be able to get back to each other. After all she wanted to end this relationship so we won’t be living in a dream for many years just to have it end all of a sudden because we can’t marry as her dad is against it.

    And just thinking about her being forced to be with someone from her own culture and sleeping with them makes me sick to my stomach. But I’ll try to keep myself under control because she is worth it.

    Do you think there’s any chance of getting her back if I continue following this guide, knowing that she’d rather follow her dad’s words than her own feelings? Or should I first convince her dad to change his mind and then try to get my ex back by following this guid?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would really depend on how strict her dad would be regarding the culture issue, and whether you think your ex would someday be willing to disregard it and decide that the relationship is more important. The latter would help in you trying to convince her dad to support her decision, otherwise, you'd be stuck with fighting two battles (1 to win her back and 2 to win her dad over). If she firmly chooses to respect her dad's decision, you might find yourself having a hard time to do either of the tasks and it may honestly be better to walk away.

      Reply
  • Jonathan

    Hi Ryan,
    Great material – Hoping you can give me some insight, grab a bag of popcorn.
    My Ex and I had been dating from Nov 17 – Early May 18 and are in our early 30’s. Everything was great (Ski lessons, cooking classes and the like), we talked about marriage, moving in and all that good stuff. We were very good together, laughed often and always in contact. She was concerned that her family wouldn’t accept me (She said they would have to) and that caused strain the last month or so on the actual relationship until we eventually broke up. Break up was painful for both parties, done over email with the email content being very positive and building up of the other party but she ended with this wasn’t the “Right” relationship for her.
    Since then I had put in NC with the exception of one birthday text early (We stalk each other’s snapchats). Fast forward until 1.5 weeks ago (little over 3 months NC), I really decided I wanted to go all in and texted her saying I had thought about her and I had done some self-reflecting and wanted to meet with coffee. She bit and agreed. Come Friday, I followed up with no response until Saturday morning. Saturday morning she said she was free to meetup for coffee but said “To be honest with you I am currently dating someone which is why I have been a little hesitant”. Heart dropped but I said that was fine and meet anyways.

    First 1.5 hours was great catching up over coffee. She was engaged, making jokes, laughing, reminiscing on old times, talking life with no mention of the current person see is dating. Last 15 minutes, I get into why I came. I told her that I expected my feelings to fade but they have not, we were good together and that while I respect her new situation, if she was ever single again, we would be great together. She said we had good times, thought of me often and that the current thing was not serious and that she would expect to be single again at some point. I ended coffee and left after hug. On Wednesday I texted saying it was great catching up and seeing her, she said the same back.

    I am now debating on going all in with a text this weekend stating while I respect her current situation, I think we both are great together and have feelings for each other and I want to give us another chance. Positive factors: I think the new thing is sub 4 weeks old, she agreed to meet with me in light of it, she stated its not serious and maybe single again in the future, stayed for a great 2 hours, was very excited to see me, responded to text a few days later, still is the first to stalk my snaps. Negative Factors: Family issues still there, she is currently dating someone, she is stubborn, I waited over 3 months missing summer and her Bday.
    I don’t want to wait until either the relationship gets serious and it doesn’t end or for the relationship to end in 1-2 months. That puts us out 4-5 months broken up on a 6 month relationship.
    Thoughts on my game plan?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Instead of immediately going all in (which could backfire drastically should anything not go according to plan), it would be better to perhaps remain on friendly terms first, and fact find a little more about her current situation with her date, as well as to rebuild familiarity and comfort towards you.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi my name is Daniel but we've been together for two-and-a-half years I can't say I've been perfect but I've shown love respect and on their kids she's still living with me but she's going to sleeping with this guy and staying over there she said that it's over this is fresh and I just read this I did every single thing that you put on there not to do is it too late to start fresh and not do the communication thing which I haven't all day today. About 11 months ago I signed for my daughter to move out of state with her mother and I never told her and I kept it in now I did tell her and she's like why didn't you tell me before I broke down and cried to her and apologized and she still said it's too late she has feelings for this guy she is a nurse and she used to be his nurse and that's what came in contact

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Spend the time picking yourself up from the breakup first and go into no contact. If she has developed feelings for someone new, the only chance to win her back is if things don't work out between them, or if you come across as the better alternative and to do so would require some changes in your life to become a better version of yourself than before.

      Reply
  • Chez

    Hy.. I met my ex-gf the middle of 2015 and things were going pretty good and we were both happy. At we spent months being together at same time preparing for college. She was the first to leave for school. During our time together she as always hinted that she was afraid of falling for someone else. At some point, she began making suggestions about finding someone to take care of her while she was in school(this was rampant that, it stirred number of insecurities within me). During the time we were together she made out with a guy (a family friend) she felt sorry and told me about it. I forgave her.

    But the insecurities didnt go away. It drove me into thinking that I was never good enough for her. At the same time I battled great deal of social anxiety which I have worked on. After she left for college I stopped contacting her for the fear that I wasnt good enough. During the following year i still didn't get in contact with her(at the same time I didnt move on. I was sort of stuck, still working on my anxiety). Till 2017 i initiated contact and tried explaining myself that I was dealing with things really personal and that I never left her for someone else. (My mistake was that I didnt deal with my issues completely, somehow he grew distant.)

    few days ago, I tried reaching out to her with this

    "Hey ' burning One'(the meaning of her name)
    Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I'm okay wit whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was a huge fault of mine . I'm in a good place right now and to be honest, I'm texting u just because I miss speaking to you. I don't have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens" (template from your site of course)

    And she replied with this

    "Lol I have moved on from you and I am with someone already since you left and I am happy. So there is no coming back for you. We were never meant to be so Just move on. Take care". Sorry Forgot to add when we met she 16 and I 19. Its been 3yrs

    What do i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point she could still be going through a phase due to her age, and you might want to consider walking away for the time being to focus on yourself and grow as a person. Frequencies and phases of life would change rapidly for people around that age, and you should try to reach out and connect with her once again (as friends first) later on after some changes have been made to your life and you become the person she can visualize being with.

      Reply
  • Don

    She broke up with me because I was still hurt from a past relationship and I was slower moving than she was. We cared deeply for each other, but she has some PTSD that wouldn't let her move on even though I wanted to. She also said multiple times she couldn't imagine not having me in her life and for me not to disappear. She said we need to take it day by day and time will tell for us. Its been about 6-8 weeks since the breakup.
    I did everything to a T. I had no contact, during that time she contacted me. We texted a lot of remembrance texts and finally went out on a great hike the other day. She said she wanted to go on more hikes if I wanted to and texted me later that is was good seeing me. We had some more text conversations that were good.
    She's been hanging out with this guy since day 1 of the breakup. They kinda knew each other before. I was very skeptical of them forming something together, but kinda had my mind eased as she said they were joining their freelance businesses and working of a lot of big projects.
    Well I just found out two days after the hike that they are seeing each other.

    Do I have a chance here? Seems like a rebound but high risk if there is a lot of work and money at stake.

    What do I do now? Ask her if they are a thing then just let it roll off my back like I don't care because I'm in a good place and tell her there is still hurt and its best to not be in contact for a while?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People can be irrational when it comes to emotions, disregarding professionalism. You could let her know that it hurts and go into NC for the time being while they're dating.

      Reply
  • James

    Hi Ryan,
    I've lived in London with my girlfriend who was from Argentina for the past three years. We had an incredible connection and lived what we both agreed (and still do) was the best 3 years of our lives, our friends, family all loved what were together. She began to miss her family and country and got the point where she wanted to move back to Argentina to "see how she felt" and whether she wanted to stay in the UK and get married etc, of which I totally understood. So we broke up and she moved away. During the first two months apart, there was a lot of communication between us and I have to admit I became very needy and desperate for her to come back (very unlike myself).. despite this, within these months she would continually tell me how much she missed me, loved me and wanted me and how hard things were which made things worse for me. It got to the point though where I was just causing sadness in her life as I was upset about her leaving, and she told me she was going to move on.. I think I must have made every mistake in the book! A week after this, I found out she had already met someone else and is moving on. Again, I made a massive mistake by losing my shit when I found out about her being with someone - mainly because she had continued to string me along with hope until the day I heard about the new person, and it really really hurt. She said that when she met this new guy, It made her realise she didn't want to fight for me as she was attracted to him.

    A lot of the pain lies in the fact that if we weren't born so far apart, we both admit that we would have been together for life. We were so perfect before this ordeal and I feel my neediness made her fall out of love with me and into the arms of another man. I had never been needy, desperate or jealous once within the relationship.

    It's been about three weeks now of sparse contact and the last email I sent (yesterday) was an email to her apologising for my neediness and that I respect her decisions (which I actually do) and I wish her the best. She sent me an email apologising for her actions and saying I would always be in her heart and that the best memories of her life were with me.

    What course of action do you think I should take... I keep wondering if I hadn't been trying to convince her to come back, the outcome may have been totally different.

    Thanks so much for your help, I could really do with it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider several options depending on where you stand and given the circumstances:

      1) you move on from the relationship since she’s back in her home country and may be more reluctant to move back a second time, especially since she started dating someone new, and after the relationship with you failing once.

      2) You attempt to win her back, either by contacting her slowly again via email/messages or depending on the level of comfort you have with her, consider surprising her by visiting her in Argentina.

      Again, this is dependent on how you feel, and your aim.

      Reply
  • lonelyin808

    My g/f and I had been together for 2 years then broke up last Christmas. Most of this year we were together but I kept her at an arms length and was not committed to the relationship and was honest about it. A few weeks ago we had a blow out where she basically told me she just wanted me to tell her I could guarantee we'd be together at some point. I told her no relationship is a guarantee but I wanted to work on things. She told me she was going out with friends that night but she would call me when she got off work. She didn't call so I texted her and asked what's up. She texted me back something along the lines of "it's not the right time, i'm sorry, i'll always love you." I freaked out and called her and texted her (something along the lines of i can't believe this is happening over text). She text back and said she loves me and hates me so much. I asked her to come home and she said no she was staying out late. Like a stalker, I drove by her house shortly after and she was coming home. I asked what was going on and she told me she went out with another guy (someone she mentioned before) but that she came home because she was confused and wanted to figure things out. Long story short, we were kinda sorta together over the past week but I was needy, clingy, etc. and pushed her even further away. This Friday she said she was going out again and after not hearing from her all night, I drove by her house at 5am (stalking again I know) and her car wasn't there. Rather than waiting for another lie I texted her that I was hurt and couldn't believe it was so easy for her to leave me for someone she barely knew and that my time with her was the best of my life and goodbye. I realize I just pushed her right into this other guys arms but my question is, do I try and reach out and tell her it will hurt me if she sleeps with this other guys and I'm working on things, or do I just institute no contact? If I can stop things before she moves forward I want to, but I can see how she just has the desperate image of me stuck in her mind right now. In the meantime, I've been following the advice of the guides and started working on myself and haven't done any more crazy texting, calling, etc.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be better to initiate NC, as the former idea would probably push her further away because of the impression she may hold over you at this point.

      Reply
  • Alistair

    Brilliant article this, pretty much how my ex is behaving, she is moving in with her rebound after two months, I have grew immensely over the two months, would say I'm better than ever on many cases. Only issue I have is she won't contact me back, although I feel like her new guy is stopping that in every way, do you have any advice to get over that part as waiting around is the hardest thing. She did move over from Canada to the UK to be with me, she is also still wearing my previous engagement ring although she has blocked me on everything minus WhatsApp and texting. Any advice I'd be most grateful.
    Alistair

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Waiting becomes hard if all you're focused on is actually waiting around, and each day becomes a torture and passes by really slowly. I would suggest putting yourself back out there, for the time being, developing new lifestyle habits and essentially just focusing on yourself. Consider even dating again in the meantime (if you feel ready), since she is currently also doing the same and let opportunity present itself before deciding on an action to take.

      Reply
  • J M

    If my ex went to talk to someone new, and I realize that the person has had some small trouble with the law. And has is seeming lying about some things. Can I, out of concern of possible safety, point that out to my ex? Or is that considered comparing?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your ex might consider it differently from how you intend the message to come across, especially if your ex currently has strong feelings for the new person. Would be best if you could get a mutual friend to relay the message instead of you.

      Reply
  • Siya

    Hi I just came out of nc and my ex is seeing someone. I sent her the elephant in the room text. She did not respond to the text instead she came to the place I live angry at me crying saying that I(me) ruined everything. I told her I think we need more time apart before we can speak. A week later she unblocks me on whatsapp and when I text her she told me I must go speak to her in person. I want to know how do I approach this?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go along with meeting her in person and decide again based on how she responds to you. It does seem that she still has feelings for you, but hasn't let go of the past yet to treat you normally.

      Reply
  • Fred

    Me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up after both parts doing wrong stuff. We really loved each other and she would sleep on my house everynight. But dring the last year we stared having some arguments and she did some wrong stuff (including messaging his first boyfriend). I wanted to stop being with her but she really wanted to stay with me, appologising and really showing real effort to keep our relationship. The problem was that i never really got over it and started treating her differently and basicly she lost connection and gave up, even with me loving her a lot and showing it too.
    She then went on a dinner with her friends and it lead to stop talking to me for days. When i talked with her she said she needed space and she was sorry. Then we talked again and she said she wanted to be with me, but i asked her to fisrt explain what was happening with her because she was not the same and i was desperate and trying everything to be good with her. That night we had sex and we were really good talking until i flipped and said that i needed to sleep. (stupid, it hurts me because i did that and it could hurt her).
    We talked after and she said again she needed some space to understand everything (because she said she didn't know and was feelling really depressed), the thing is that after that I acted too insecure and clingy, she would talk to me and say she lved me and i was her best friend, but she didn't love me as boyfriend like she used to.
    I asked her out (believe after too much pressure already)and she broke up with me.
    We stopped talking for 17 of june until she texted me asking for sending some numbers she really needed for work. I gave it to her but then acted too needy again (stupid) she talked and said she was still in my life. I said goodbye and she said we could talk, "why goodbye?" and then i went on a clingy rampage until she stopped texting.On 17 of july.
    I just found this now because obviously i would not do this stupid mistakes. I believe i still have a chance and now that i read this i feel much good with myself. I need to start NC once again right?
    The problem is i that i know she did not get over her ex boyfriend and i believe she will find him on a council party on august. No contact till 1/2 of august? More than that? Should i tell her that i don't duel on what happens and what she will do and that i will go NC?
    Thank you for everything, i believe if i read this on the first week i would be really happy with her, but htat's life ahh

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it's always better to realize your mistakes late than never at all. Go into NC properly, and work on yourself in the meantime, focusing on making yourself happy again. Understand that she didn't completely close the door on you back then, but it might require some time before she would feel comfortable talking to you again after your actions back then during the breakup.

      Reply
  • JJJme

    Ryan,

    It's been 3.5 months since my gf broke up with me and I initiated nc a couple of times, when I stuck to it for a month - around the 2.5month marker she told me she had started to date someone new - as you can imagine this crushed me but I wished her luck with it and went back to nc. The breakup came out of left field for me, despite her protest that there was nobody else involved I have a feeling this guy may have been hovering in the background. I think this because she had said to me during the breakup that she was angry with me for some things, and she didn't want this one guy at work to flirt with her and for her to think for a second I deserved it - so I think it might be that guy. Which makes me think she let him flirt and maybe things got out of hand and feelings developed. But this is just speculating as I have no hard evidence. It could also be that he's an easy rebound target if he was flirting before, who knows.

    I'm confused at how she can move on so quickly knowing she wanted so much with us on a couple weeks prior to the break, we had marriage and moving back in together on the table and had been together for 7 years. I'm coming to terms with it all as time goes on, but there's a part of me that still believes we could've had it all had she not taken the easy way out just because we hit a rough patch. Do you think given the time frame and how this all happened that she has moved on, or had moved on before even the breakup? And has zero feelings left for me?

    The last time we spoke she was the one who sent me a text to tell me she was dating someone, she swiftly blocked me as she just didn't want confrontation I suppose. But, I texted her asking to talk and she was resistant to it - said she didn't think anything was on a bad note and is worried that if we forced a conversation for closure it might head that way, and she was "on edge" about talking as the last time we talked things got a little emotional.

    I dunno, in Kevin's email subscription he mentioned that there is a "missing badly" stage the ex goes through after a month or two, and this phase lasts a while - I'm just not getting that vibe. I ultimately would like it if things could work out in the future but the more I let time go by the more chance this new thing might be more solidified, but I guess I have no control either way.

    My main problem here is that - when we broke up she didn't take steps to remove me or block me from anything, she just limited her FB profile etc and we unfollowed each other. She would view my insta stories every now and then etc. When she texted me about this new guy however, she has since taken steps to remove me from everything and privatise her profiles. I feel like NC has been counter productive thus far, should I still keep NC at this stage?

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To answer your question on whether she has moved on, it would honestly depend on how early on in the 7 years of marriage she began to feel this way about you but usually for a relationship of 7 years, it is unlikely that she has completely moved on. However, that does not mean she has not given up on the relationship a long time ago. Based on Kevin's email, just because someone may think of you or even miss you, does not mean that they will react positively towards you still because these thoughts of you may come in waves but their logical selves tell them not to act upon it. Also, there's a good chance that this guy may be a rebound relationship after being together with you for so long, and if she is still on edge towards you, space would be a better option as opposed to pressure from your end, resulting in potentially accelerating the speed at which she moves on.

      Reply
    • JJJme

      Thanks for the reply. I couldn't pin point it myself when she might have begun to feel this way. We weren't without problems, but I didn't think they were huge issues that couldn't be resolved. She was still talking about our future, joint bank accounts, what we'd do with our home and where we might move to etc just two weeks before the breakup, so to me all this doesn't indicate she gave up that long before...

      When we went on our holiday I noticed a bit of distance from her, but when I questioned her she just insisted she was tired from the travelling etc so I didn't question further. She became protective of her phone, when I confronted her about it she said she had been talking to her siblings about some of our issues, I got the feeling she wasn't as over some of the things we fought about as she lead on. We talked about it again and she again accepted and lead on that it was all well.

      When the breakup occurred she said she had wanted space and time to figure things out and learn to forgive fully, and said that she was still very much in love with me and that even though we were doing better, that it wasn't where it needed to be for her to think about spending the rest of her life with me so she wanted to figure that out. This makes no sense to me because if things were better then I don't see how breaking up helps that along. It feels as though maybe she didn't want things to progress to get better due to mixed feelings from this other guy - if he was hovering around her, which seems more likely in hindsight. I feel like she used old issues as an excuse to bolster her reasoning for looking elsewhere, as there was zero warning for the break and she refused to talk about any of it as if scared of confrontation. I will give her her space, not like I have much of a choice at this point lol

      I've made an effort to block her on some social media accounts as it's easier for me not to look that way, but I've noticed she's made another account and has accidentally liked some of my things, would you chalk this up to just curiosity and nothing more?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's only normal for an ex to miss the other person after a breakup, her included. Her actions were most probably the result of missing you, getting curious to see how you were doing and thus visiting your profile. However, it usually doesn't mean anything and it definitely isn't a case where she's looking to get back together or would take any further action.

      Reply
  • Wouter

    Hi Ryan,

    I doubt this is going to work for me. I will shortly elaborate.
    We were together for 3 years, broke up for 5 months now.
    We had a phone call a few days ago where she said: I moved on, found someone new and I prefer to not have contact anymore.

    She would always respond and I've been improving my flaws, however it was all in vain.
    Do you think there is anything else to do? We study together and I won't see her due to summer for another 3 months.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep in mind that your changes aren't simply going to get her to jump back into your arms again, and neither is she going to miraculously develop passion for you again. You're going to have to make an attempt to win her back as if it were the first time you were trying to win someone's heart and treat it as a fresh start. Perhaps at this point, it may not work out since she has told you this, but there's no telling what may happen after the summer break, but only if you're willing to wait it out. If not, it would be better to simply move on.

      Reply
  • Patrick

    Hi Ryan,
    So I just came out of a no contact phase with my ex who is seeing someone else. I sent her a short letter about me apologising and briefly mentioning that I have changed my life around and that I would like to see her in person. The positive outcome was that she responded however, her response was that she was was not ready to see me and that she’s doing it out of respect of the guy she is seeing. I haven’t replied back to her yet but what are my options right now. Thanks :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Probably to continue giving her space for now, since she does not seem ready to meet you yet. You might also have to wait and see if the current person she's dating turns out to be a rebound or not before making your move in the future.

      Reply
  • Illimar

    Hi.
    I think i should start from the beginning. Me (age 33) and my gf (age 29) were together for 3 years and she ended the relationship a month ago because i made her feel bad about herself and was toxic to her. Yes, we have been talking every day and at the start i was so confused that i paniced and did some stupid moves like begging and trying to talk her back etc.
    Now lets go back in time. This was her THIRD time she has left me. First time was after a year we had been together and the reason was i didnt gave her attention and she hooked up with my friend and lied about that but we managed to get over it. Second time she left me was again after 1 year after we made up and i can say that same thing happened (i didnt gave her attention once again), she hooked up with my friend again and then they both lied to me about that when i put the puzzle together. Once again i was only thinking about myself and didnt notice her and didnt gave her my attention. I know, my mystake. You can see where im going with this. When we got back together i promised to her that im going to change, that ill be new person but i was kind of mad at her in my hart for cheating on me. It was really hard because she lied to me. Time was passing and i did some changes - mainly changed myself to be more friendly with her kids (she has 2 children) and spending more time with her. I need to mention that we live different towns and i was the one how always visited her. Mabye she just got bored?
    Now back yo present day. I dont know if i was still mad at her for cheating me but we had more and more fights. We had one fight every week and that exhausted us pretty bad. I could tell that she changed a bit later until she told me it was over. I can say that i was toxic to her.
    Now after she dumped me, she is immediately dating. she talks how nice that new guy is etc. I couldnt take it any more and started no contact TODAY. i could tell that she was kind of dissapointed or mad when i told her. Further more she has told me that she never can be with me again but as we have spoken i could see these little notes shes been telling. Like how she is not shure about loving again, or how she feels that she has failed as a woman. i could tell she has regrets but her mind is strong and im respecting that a lot. she also said things like how stupid she was for believing me that i can change for her and she dont want to be a fool again if we would try relationship again. For the last month after she broke up with me sha has noticed that i had changed, how i talk and what i do. She just keeps telling how sorry she was that i didnt change earlier and how she wishes that i had done all the changes before she left me.
    i really feel like im in the dead end with my situation but i have real and honest felings about her and her kids.
    PS. we have had sex (feelingless sex as she named that) 3 times after she dumped me. first 2 times it was her who engaged the sex thing. third time i was just trying my luck i guess.
    PSS. One thing ive noticed that after endind relationship she has actually never told me that she didnt love me any more or how she feels about me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, you have to keep in mind that no amount of justification makes her actions any more right than your lack of attention towards her. Cheating is something that would definitely take a toll on the relationship if you forgive her and get back together, because there's always going to be a sense of insecurity, self-doubt, trust issues, and resentment towards her for doing so. All these things translate into your actions which resulted in your toxic behavior. You should honestly consider the possibility of whether you were toxic for her, or if it was actually the other way around and her actions caused you to behave in a toxic manner. Lack of attention is common in a relationship, and it should have been addressed together as a couple instead of her getting bored and cheating on you (on more than one occasion), and even lying to you about it after.

      Reply
  • Jay

    Hey Kevin, I been with my ex gf 4 years and 4 months its been great. We are living together for 2 years in college but after i graduated were in semi long distance relationship but I can visit her once a month vice versa. I admit that i begun too comfortable with the relationship not knowing that i did not give her much attention. Before we breakup she confessed to me that she likes someone it's her college crush. They dated 3 times before she told me. I get upset and angry and i said something bad things to her and then she promised that she will never contact the guy and blocked him in all social media. She told me that she's confused about herself and to the relationship she told me she needed space so that she can fix herself but I keep blaming and threatened her to what she done I begged and pleaded that I will forgive her if she stays. After 2 weeks she visited in our house we talked and there's a lot of drama she cried because of her guilt.I can sense that she's feeling guilty for what she done. she's sweet to me but i can sense that she's not happy. So she decided to broke up with me because she's not ready to be in relationship for now because she knows she can't give her whole heart in the relationship because she like someone else. She told me that she needs time to fix herself and told me maybe someday we can start again so I agreed with her. I initiated NC but after 1 week I call her that I want her back but she's sorry because she doesn't know herself anymore and doesn't want me anymore. I ask her if she's communicating to the other guy and she said yes. I get very angry to her to the point that i threatened and blackmailed her and promise her that i will make her life miserable if she will not stay with me. Then she promised she stays and never communicate with the other guy, but I know to myself that I will not be happy if she not happy. So I ask her forgiveness for the things I said and done. I begged and cried to her to start again but she said no. So I just accepted the breakup and tell her she deserves to be happy. After 2 days I came to her workplace to return some clothes she left in our house and to apologize personally to the threats and blackmailing to her. She also apologize for being selfish making wrong decision. I told her if she wants to contact the other guy she can because it's her choice. I told her stop blaming herself for the wrong decision she choose and she deserves to be happy. And I hug her and kiss her in the forehead and leave. I been 9 days NC to her. What should I do to stop her for falling to the other guy? Did I ruined my chance of getting her back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your actions at the end by apologizing and ending things on a positive note may have saved you from ruining your chances after the blackmailing and threats. You're probably going to have to start no contact and give her some space for now. If she wants to date someone else, as you've said its her choice, but once NC ends you can try contacting her again to build up something meaningful again and this would be easier to do given that things didn't end on a bad note.

      Reply
  • Nyasia white

    Hi, me and my gf were together for 1 year and 3 months and I got in trouble and I was sent to alternative school *that's a long story* but there was this guy who did the things I used to do...Everytime me and her fought I'd look over and she would be over there telling him everything she should of been telling me so we could make us work, and she always said that the guy was her brother...but I knew it was something more...I asked her why she was with him and why we ended, she said because I pushed her away, and he was there and how he never left her like I did...what do I do to get her back, she is constantly posting there videos and pictures up on snap, she told me today that she still has feelings for me * so that's good, it'll be easier to win her over right?* Please help me win her back...she said the new guy is doing everything I was supposed to do, she said she got attached to him..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It probably is a good thing, but you'll have to be patient about it, especially if she's still together with the other person right now. Spend this time working on improving yourself since in her opinion, even though she loves you, the other guy does the relationship 'better'. You'll have to prove to her that you can better that if you want to win her back.

      Reply
  • Becca Jones

    This isn't a short one. Hang on tight.
    I am a lesbian.
    around the end of nov. I started having friends with benefits with this girl. She bluntly told me "I will never date you." it was fine I was okay being known we were just friends with benefits. she was just coming back from a tough relationship. The whole month of December we didn't really talk. she went home for a break, I did my thing and actually met another girl. Well she comes back and hits me with another come over and let's experiment type thing. Well before I know it in January we are talking more, she's still seeing others but ultimately I win her over. we talk and talk.amd talk. and I swear she fell in love. she even said it first, told me she was ready whole 9 yards. probably. before I was.keep in mind this girl had me taken pictures and just making memories. she always spoke of being scared of a relationship. I did absolutely everything to her desire. sec was an issue when she really had feelings for me..she couldn't touch me. for severe reasons that another man did to her.. I honestly worked through it. I seriously did. well 3 weeks later of having that title she sends me a text telling me she is overwhelmed. school, work, gf, hell I got it. I was taking care of this girl so well I neglected myself. her best friend said she may not be sexually attracted to me..(just remember this) my girl claimed that was obscure. So we talked that night and came to the conclusion she didn't know what needed to change..she was just overwhelmed.. I backed off every way I could. things stayed the same. she went on this trip with me and my friends and everything was amazing.The sex was even amazing she touched me in amazing ways she never had before-she claims it was bc she was impaired (we were both very drunk) well a couple days later after the trip she gets distant. blames hw and just idk everything got different. I flipped when she ended it. she ended kinda through text. I couldn't breath..I freaked out convinced her to let me come over and talk. we lived less than 5 min away. she then tells me again she overwhelmed and not ready for anyone.. I panicked pulled the suicide card, made fool of.myself..the next week or so I kept her dog when she went to NO..I still kept friends with her kinda till the semesterended. this went on for prob a week or 2.
    2 weeks later I discover on Twitter she has met another girl.. she has even expressed to me that this is her 3rd love- if your familiar with the 1st, 2nd, 3rd love. She claims she'severything. when I ask what I did wrong she simply says I was amazing and that she couldn't give me what I needed..I was really happy.i was just exhausted bc we had no stability. we lived a hectic school/ work schedule.
    weeks passed and I give distance. I unfollow her on social media..didnt tell her.
    well she gets in a very bad car wreck..I of course messaged her checked on her etc..sent her essential oils. her whole summer is revamped and she's stuck in a wheel chair and her gf as far as I know now can not see her there..
    well I'm expressing on Twitter. nothing bad really. just that I'm rebuilding.never said anything mean about her.
    she messages me to say she's un following me. idc it helps me. she responded after to Express this time that she simply was not sexually attracted to me and again couldn't give me what I needed. she also said I was her healer..I new I did and I knew what I was doing when I got into it. however I never new we would fall for each other like thaw. .
    we came to okay terms to staying friends- we have friend group she invited me into. they still love me alot.
    anyways. after that aftermath. she was pissed. this was 2 weeks ago.
    this week she messages me that she got her oils. we have a good convo. I just told her where to.place them etc. we end with thank you and your welcome. I still feel like I'm meant for her and that she's terrified of my love. I gave her my absolute all. 100% unconditional love.
    I will still do anything for her. wth do I do. I'm suffering every day and it's been like this since mid april..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that because you gave her your all, it could have ended up being the cause of her feeling overwhelmed, especially if she knew that she could not measure up to what you were providing her. There's also a chance that while she developed feelings for you over the course of time, it wasn't the passionate kind which was why she felt more interested to pursue other relationships which had a stronger spark factor for her compared to this. Ironically as this sounds, you shouldn't make yourself so emotionally available for her because this puts you at a disadvantage where she has the upperhand to choose at any point whether she wants you or not, and may even end up taking you for granted.

      Reply
  • Mike

    I was divorced three years ago. I quickly met a woman, we dated for a month and she moved in with me. We were together three years. My divorce screwed with my head, family court burned up my money, child custody fights put me in a bad mood, then I found out I had a heart condition. It was a crappy three years but the new girlfriend put up with all of it until she didn't any longer. Two months ago she broke up with me and quickly found a new boyfriend. He lives out of town but has a toothbrush at her house. I don't think he'll move here, and I don't think she wants to leave this town. I'm hoping her new relationship will be over soon.

    She and I work together every day, we own a business together, we have three years of shared memories, many of them good. Yesterday she invited me over to fix a toilet, move a new washer and dryer into her house, we had a few drinks, watched some tv and talked about business. Last week we went to lunch, went clothes shopping and I put new windshield washers on her car.

    Her new guy is not handy like I am but I think he's more successful at this time. I'm hoping it's just a rebound.

    She tells me things like "She can't change her mind right now but will continue to think about it" (pertaining to us getting back together).

    Is there hope for me or should I move on?

    She is my best friend, but since the break-up there are obviously many things we don't talk about any longer. Not long ago she was begging me to marry her and buy a new house together, now that I've agreed, she's no longer interested.

    I miss her, my kids miss her kids, it's a sad situation.

    I have been doing things to better myself and have in fact lost 40 lbs in the last two months through working out and eating a lot less and I'm working harder than I have in years.

    She and I were working on a project together and I had my shirt off just a few days ago and she was pretty impressed that I had lost so much weight.

    Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the period you've been together with her, it would seem that there definitely is a good chance for you to win her back since 3 years is long enough to have created many lasting memories. The person she's currently dating may be a rebound to fill her time and emotions. I would suggest since you already have to see her daily for work, you could use that opportunity to try and win her back.

      Reply
    • Mike

      Thank you! Hope is a great thing :)

      Reply
  • Chris

    So my girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago after a 10 year on and off relationship since college. Neither of us have "dated" other people during our breakups as they were usually just for space and only lasted a couple months at most. We have lived together in the past but had to move out because of job related moves. We had some good times and some not so good times in our relationship but nothing out of the ordinary. She lives in Philadelphia and I live in Baltimore so we are semi long distance but we still saw each other every week. I had bought an engagement ring (which she knows about) but was never able to give it to her before we broke up. She told me the reason she was breaking up with me was she needed space and that there were some fights from long ago in our relationship she wasn't over. At first i did all the wrong things and was needy and begged for her back and told her how much I loved her which clearly didn't work. I saw her after a month of being broke up and we hung out and hooked up but she said she still did not want to get back together and needed space. At the beginning of May i started no contact. It was hard but after 21 days i reached out to her and it was a disaster. She told me we weren't getting back together right now and to give her some space. She said she wasn't sure how she would feel in 3-6 months but its not gonna happen right now for sure. I asked if she was seeing someone else and she said no but that she had been on some dates. She said she did miss me and wasn't over me but that i was pushing her away by telling her that i still loved her and wanted to be with her. Recently I have found out that she is dating a guy she works with and has been sense a little before we broke up. I know who he is and he is younger then her and they do have a lot in common, which i am not sure how to take. I was very upset at first and couldn't believe she could just move on that quickly. I blocked her on all social media and broke off contact but still after a few days of thinking about it, I still want her back. She won't admit to dating this new guy but her family and friends all know she is (which is how i found out). I know i want her back and i have always thought she is the one for me. We are obviously back on No Contact and we are not friends on social media so i can't show her that I am changing or make her jealous in any way and we don't live in the same city so i can't just happen to show up at the same places as her. I am afraid if i give her too much time and space she will fall in love with this new guy (if she hasn't already) and i will be gone forever. I am following the steps you have talked about but i feel like i have more obstacles to get over then most people. Any help would be great!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Encountering these kinds of setbacks when trying to win your ex back is common. Some people take longer than others and face more difficulty, but not all hope is lost as long as you're patient. You should avoid pouring your heart out to her the next time you come in contact but rather rebuild the friendship first before leading it further on (if the opportunity presents itself). For the time being however, focus on yourself and just do things to keep positive.

      Reply
  • Kyle

    We have been together for 5 years. Our relationship has ended over money, when the financial situation of both got worse. She told me that she no longer loved me like these old days. I tried to convince her that this was a bad time because of financial problems, but it was not. Now, she is dating someone else, she told me she wants to move on a new relationship to get less stressful. We have not contacted for weeks. I believe she is my true love. What should I do to get her back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep in mind that just because she is your true love, does not mean that you are hers, especially if she could break up with you over financial reasons. Perhaps think this through on whether you really want to win her back or not, and if you do, keep in mind that you're probably going to have to be financially stable to do so.

      Reply
  • ramone

    she replied to a message saying she wasn't into making big decisions with this person, "just chill stuff", she hopes I have a safe trip and she looks forward to dinner with me

    I sent her this

    I just want to make sure you're not trying to put out a fire so to speak and make me feel better. Getting back together on those kind of terms didn't work out on that first Christmas from my end. I had a hard time believing things would get better then and you don’t know how serious I am or if I’ll actually last now. We also don’t want to be bitter about this situation and faking it.

    We were broken up and you made a decision for yourself. You’re finding out some answer to what you need and even if this new relationship isn’t what’s best or better than you think ours could be and all that, you might need time away from me to heal and decide that it’s okay to let me back into your life. If you still loved me and wanted me in your life you wouldn’t be so confused. I’m not going to contribute to that confusion

    I should’ve chosen to go through with breaking ties or to be there with you instead of sitting in the lousy in-between. I think if we spend time together now you’d have a hard time remembering how I drove you away and thinking about you being with someone else is very unpleasant for me and I’m focusing on being the best I can be. Choosing not to distract you or myself is me being decisive.

    You’ve got your money situation tied down. You’ve got friends nearby. You don’t need me right now and you’re finding out whether you want or need something from the rebound or if you want to be “single forever”

    So, we won’t see each other for a while.
    When we do I hope there will be less confusion.

    I love you more than I showed it.

    Go be happy.

    Reply
  • ramone

    this is the last guy. She has only gone on one date with this new guy and she wants to go on a date with me. I worry it's out of pity and already let her know that I would give her space. She said she still wanted to do stuff together but I'm not convinced it's not for reasons I'd like pity or worry for my feelings. She was deeply in love with me but she doesn't seem to feel like that now even after seeing me cry. It's like she's trying to put out a fire yet keep it genuine. I was thinking I'd let her know I don't need that and I'd give her time like she gave me too much of. Should I start no contact?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes it would be better to apply no contact at this stage since she might only be lingering around due to habit rather than actual feelings. You'll want to re-ignite whatever passion she had lost for you through the correct way or the relationship wouldn't last if she got back with you out of sympathy.

      Reply
    • Ramone

      She says I could've changed her mind about her making it official with her new boyfriend. She says she thinks about me everyday and I think this is just what's comfortable for her now. I'll have to live with the fact that they are undoubtedly intimate. She can't wait long and that was my main concern. I feel vengeful etc. so I'll try to get over those feelings before I contact her. I'll join some clubs I've been interested in college and try to build my social standings there. I'll go on a few dates and probably fuck around until I feel better. It's questionable what will happen with my ex. I learned about her boyfriend and their being intimate by breaking NC a couple of times. She seemed very unsure of herself and I didn't know how I should handle that. She's honestly submissive and confused enough that I would've been tempted to change her mind then try to fix what we had going with therapy or something. I can't really say it would have been the wrong decision but I'll have a good chance to feel like myself for a bit without being tied down and without being able to turn back. I sent her a long letter today. I really just wanted to help her feel like she could know how to get back on track by taking some examples of how i was sorting out my own feelings. I also wanted to get her on the same page. I was unapologetic with my feelings and mostly just categorized my thoughts about the situation going forward for myself and what I was thinking back on from our situation. They started out as my personal notes and small ramblings but she's used to reading that kind of thing from me. I got what I needed to across to her and succeeded in making her angry, jealous, and a bit sad. I knew she was spending the day with friends and family and ending it with a female friend she trusts. She read the whole thing before bed and feels like we could be soulmates. The guide helped me remember important parts of what I wanted her to know and feel and I hit it just right for now. She said the whole thing was overwhelming, putting her through ups and downs and ending it with very sexual comic relief. I knew she'd like it if I ended it like that. She's "inexplicably" jealous and probably just needed to see me getting over it by being around other women in casual social settings. I left a part in my notes about it and it was a sentence out of almost 20 pages. She mentioned it. She's still very sad and confused but doesn't know why. I suggest she's remembering the good times and wants me to rescue her. She says I'm most likely very correct. I tell her to figure herself out and decide if that's what she really wants. She's going to masturbate to me tonight for sure. I'll just wait a month or 2 while I get over this. I hope she figures out what I really need from her to even just be friends. I need to get over my more inappropriate feelings and I can't go back without forgiving her for making mistakes or not waiting for me. I made the mistake of neglecting her and we'll both figure it out on our own for now. It's probably for the best that we don't get back together now. She was my first girlfriend and making mistakes with a new acquaintance like she has will even us out even if I can't get over myself right now. I'll keep you guys posted. I hope that helps someone.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex and i were together for 2 years and we have recently broke up,
    we got into a very bad argument because she was trying to friendzone me against my will,
    so i stopped speaking for at least 2 and half weeks, i started to miss her so i reached out and she didnt respond, i waited about another week and called her and she finally answered, she told me she has someone else her in her life so that caused us to get into another argument, so far i dipped back into a no contact and i am attempting to work on myself.

    To be honest throughout our relationship it always seemed like she has commitment issues, she would always keep
    her exes around as friends and then go start hanging out with one of them anytime her and i have some type of fight, usually her flings are short lived and she ends up coming back to me somehow, needless to say i really care about this women but i am definitely looking to shift the dynamic and end this vicious cycle of disrespect.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she has commitment issues, this becomes something you don't have control over until she finally decides to settle down. It could be from whatever past baggage she carries, but I would suggest working on yourself to become an improved person, so that if she meets you down the road again, her impression of you changes and she thinks of you as someone who shouldn't be friendzoned.

      Reply
  • hayden

    So I was with my ex for 3 years we only broke up because I was moving to Orlando for a new job and she wasn't ready to move with me away from her family and friends. I tried to fill the hole she left with a new girlfriend only 3 months after the breakup... I have now been with this girl for 10 months and I have no feelings for her anymore. I moved back down to where I'm from (where my ex lives) with my new girlfriend in February, since I've been back in the area I cannot get my ex off my mind. she has just started a facebook official relationship with another guy. So one weekend when I was visiting my mom in her area I had my dog (which was once our dog) I texted her and said I had the dog with me if she wanted to meet up just to say hi as it had been 10 months since she's seen the dog or me. the little meet and greet went well.. she hugged and kissed the dog and then hugged me bye for over 15 seconds which definitely made it feel like she still had feelings for me. she also didn't mention her new boyfriend once nor did I.. I didn't even think about him as it was so amazing seeing her. I am still currently with my rebound gf as she is saving money to fix her phone then I am ending things. should I go about trying to keep in contact with my ex after that wonderful meet and greet or should I wait till I'm broken up completely with this rebound girlfriend I am with? I know for sure I am in love with my ex as no ones presence makes me feel like hers does. it seems like her new boyfriend is a serious attempt to move on as it is the first facebook official relationship she has had since ours ended and I know she was with 2 guys before this neither of which were "official". please help as I love her and definitely don't want to lose her forever.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since both of you are in official relationships at this point, it wouldn't be recommended for either of you to go behind your partner's backs and involve yourself with another person even if that person is your ex. I think it would be okay to remain on talking to terms, as you want to be certain she still has feelings for you and would be willing to leave her current relationship to be with you, or you would end up breaking up with your current girlfriend just to end up getting hurt.

      Reply
    • hayden

      thank you!

      Reply
  • Jose

    Hi Kevin,
    First of all I appreciate the tips you have. It's very inspiring, yet educational. I've been with a women for 3yrs but we broke up because of her insecurities issues. She accused me of cheating on her every time & at that time I couldn't deal with it so I broke up with her. It's been almost 3 yrs later & throughout all this time she was looking for me. In all that time, I tried to forget about her but 8 months ago I realized that I do love her & she is the one for me. Through that 8 months I didn't know how to tell her that I want to get back with her after all this time because honestly I was ashamed & scared. My first mistake was I took her for granted thinking she was still hanging around & took too long to tell her but then about a month ago I found out she is with someone. In speaking to her about it, she never tells me She doesn't love me, She wants me out of her life, stop calling me or anything. On the contrary she says she doesn't want to not speak to me, she's trying something new with this guy, she wants to see where it goes & that she's gonna block me because she wants no problem. I'm trying to get her back of course but my second mistake was I did a few things wrong that I should'nt have done, that you explained not to do. So she blocked me from all social media & her phone number. I know her clearly & I know deep down that she still loves me because her friends, family, & co-workers tell me but like you said, I believe she's on the father & daughter situation where she's dating a guy that the father doesn't want her to be with. Now in following your steps & reading your article things has finally calmed down. We started talking through email & recently she was sick so I brought her chicken soup & some medicine but reality is that I wanted to see her, I'm sure you know this lol. I brought that stuff to her at her job & when she saw me her eyes said it all. She lit up & she walked up to me slowly, came up to me & gave me a hug & kiss on the cheek. Her coworkers seemed excited themselves. I'm not gonna lie I dressed up clean so I can make a good impression lol. We spoke for about 20 minutes & in the conversation I did told her that I understood her decision, that I will give her space, & that I'm not trying to force her into something she doesnt want to do. It got busy at her job so then I left. She texted me back saying Thank you for passing by & for the medicine. She complimented me on how I looked & we texted each other for another hr in a half. Then she unblocked me from everything & asked me to unblock my Instagram so she can see my pics. Now it's day 2 of my no contact her until she contacts me. As you can see my situation is a little different in every story you've explained but it does have a lot similarities. I wanted to ask you. So far am I doing things right? Was it ok to visit her at her job? Should I do the no contact right now? Should I take advantage of her lighting up when she saw me, or general what should be my next productive move. I truly love this woman & I truly want to do the best to earn her back. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks again!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, her reaction towards you is what normally happens after NC, so in answering your question, no you don't have to go about NC all over again. Also, it would seem like NC was already done during the stage where you were blocked on all forms of contact back then.

      Reply
  • Jordan

    My girlfriend and I (both 27 years old) have been together for just under 4 years. We had a pretty solid relationship up until 1 year ago. We had been living together for 1 year at that point. I started playing video games A LOT and took her for granted, but we always respected each other. This last year was pretty bumpy in our relationship, she got pretty upset and didn't think I was going to get my shit together.

    She ended breaking up with me about 2 months ago. At first, I was really confused and wanted more in depth explanation from her side (she had a hard time communicating her for feelings) but after 2 weeks, I started no contact. During no contact I found out she had been dating a friends brother. But I kept my cool and didnt say anything to her.

    Weeks later I saw her at a mutual friends birthday party and we didn't talk much. But later when she had left, I messaged her saying I was happy to see her and that she looked pretty, to which she replied "Thanks :)". I realised I wasn't ready emotionally to talk to her with confidence so I went back into no contact.

    It's almost been a month since, I feel much better, but I still have no clue if she is still dating him. My question is.. Is it time to break no contact and start rebuilding attraction, wether shes still dating or not? And how goos do you think my are odds are?

    Thanks for the advice Ryan

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would recommend initiating contact first, and depending on her situation (if she's still dating or not), decide then whether to build attraction or go at a slower pace. You can follow the guidelines of breaking no contact here.

      Reply
  • Trey

    Hey man, first off. Reading your tips helps calm me down a lot. I have anxiety and i'm trying to cope with and deal with it. Anyway, to the point. Me and this woman, we will call her sarah, have been on and off for 2 years. The funny thing is, we were never an official couple. Why? Well i rushed things and she has commitment issues. I should specify we are both young (23). I wanted commitment and she wasn't ready for it. Everytime i got close, she would push me away. At first she said she liked me a lot. Then as time went on, it was i like you a lot to i really don't want a relationship. To me, it was obvious she liked me. Due to my anxiety, i was getting more and more nervous she didn't actually like me since she wasn't commiting. So i tried harder and harder and harder. I got more and more desperate because i couldn't figure out what was wrong. Well when things were going smooth again, she went on a date with another guy. She seemed excited for their next date (que the anxiety) so i tried to remain cool. Didn't work, so i turned to my friends for answers. Some gave good advice, others gave what ended up being terrible advice. I felt i was losing her and i didn't know what to do. So i did what 2 of my friends suggested, "shutting the shit down" so one evening i got her to come out and meet me even though she wasnt feeling well (i felt bad, but i thought i had to be stern) i immediately jumped into stern mode and started arguing (i've asked her nicely multiple times if we can talk, she ignored those messages and only answered part of the texts). She wasn't saying anything at first, but then she started to talk back. The argument ended when she got out of my car and i walked after her and snapped into a desperate man. She said she cares about me, but believes we shouldn't be talking ever again. I begged her to not go through with the decision. well while i feel like shit. Her and the other guy continued going on dates. Fast foward to now, they're currently boyfriend and girlfriend. I know we are young and she has commitment issues, but i am terrified of losing her. We had a lot of history together (before we got into a kind of relationship) i just don't understand why she is willing to throw me away for some random guy. I've done the no contact and still am doing no contact for my own benefit. she has me blocked on fb and claims she blocked my number. I guess what I'm trying to ask is. Work on myself for now and try again in a year or 2? I'm just lost and confused at the moment. We had a great connection, but she refused to commit. Any help would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Despite the great connection, there's a possibility where she felt you were the 'safe' choice, hence at 23 and not knowing what she wants yet has been afraid to commit to you thus far. I think you are doing the right thing, and should focus on moving on for now. You could try again in a year of two as mentioned since you would be less insecure and more emotionally stable by then, while she may finally be done with 'exploring' and is ready to settle down a bit more.

      Reply
  • Alecks

    Hi Ryan, Me and my girlfriend where together for about 5 years. In all those 5 years we broke up several times because i cheated on her and didn't took her for granted. WE broke up a couple of months passed by then i missed her and got back to her and the same story over and over again. We broke up early 2017 and we had contact but nothing serious I didnt wanted to be with her and got a job in another country. My way to get away and forget about her. So in June 2017 I moved, after a couple of weeks of me moving, even though we didnt had a relationship, she stopped every contact with me maybe because i moved and never committed to her. Every time I though about her i focused on the negative and I was angry at her, on Dec 2017 i contacted her and she blew me off, she was pissed at me so i said, F*ck it. Didnt contacted her. Know a couple of months back i started missing her and understanding the good girl she is and that I really love her, or thats what I think. Recently I texted her and she was responsive but she told me that shes seeing another guy who has all the qualities that I dont. Guy has a great job, own business, mature and goals. She was like rubbing it on my face... With the help of a friend I arranged sending her flowers, wrote her a letter and gave her gift. I planned all that because I thought that she ,seeing another guy, was a bluff. When she received the gift, for what my friend told me, she got pretty excited and then started crying like crazy. She said that we have great moments together but that i made her suffer a lot.. She texted me the same day of receiving the gift. Thanking me but telling me that theres no hope because although shes is not this guys girlfriend she feels shes in love and tells me how great he is. She even send me a picture where shes with him. Now i understand the bad thing i did and that i really want to be with her. Which should be my next step. Im planning on flying there in june but i dont want just to appear on her doorstep and want to start building they relationship before going to see her. For the record ive been trying to improve myself since september and i feel great. Thanks for the advise and sorry for the long post.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to respect her decision for now because even though she still has feelings for you, the fact that she wants to explore the relationship with her new partner may change that, especially if you try to interfere with their relationship. She may very well end up resenting you for it. I would recommend moving on with life for now, and if the opportunity presents itself in the future and you still have feelings for her, then you could give it another shot.

      Reply
  • Chitradp

    Me and my girlfriend was there together for 6 months. Due to the lack of my emotional intelligence and my desperateness she broke up with me and completely lost her interest in me. Now she's dating an another guy. What should I do to get her back and last the relationship permanently?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're going to have to wait for her to end things with the new guy, before trying to re-create the spark with her and winning her back. After that however, constant effort and self-confidence should be maintained in order to keep her around.

      Reply
  • Dev

    Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years in a long distance relationship. We have seen each other a couple of times but not enough that we recently broke up. We still talk everyday like as if nothing happened between us because of the deep connection we have with each other. I will be moving very close to her next month for college so I hope that would help a lot. However, recently she just started seeing this guy that she’s really into and i’m not sure what to do. Long Distance got the best of us and although it hurts, I hope physical interaction with her helps develop our relationship more.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you'll only be able to see if the chance remains once you've moved closer to her. I would suggest making positive changes in the mean time to yourself, so that an impression can be made on her when you do meet her. However, it's also important to note that you should not get your hopes too high and be mentally prepared for anything that may potentially happen.

      Reply
  • Julian

    How can I follow all these steps if I have a 2 year old son with my ex fiancé. ? We just broke up 10 days ago. I’m 22 and she’s 21 & very mature for our age. How do I approach this with a son ? She left me after 4 years of being together because I didn’t appreciate her, didn’t do all the little things for her, didn’t pay attention as much as I should’ve. And most importantly never trusted her and accused her of doing something behind my back which lead to arguments.

    I know what I did wrong . I 100% understand . But now obviously she won’t take me back. She said “she wants to love me but won’t believe I’ll change for good” so now I’m moving out and talking about how to share custody of our son. What do i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sort this aspect out first, and it's personally better to start of on a clean state than to try and mend the broken pieces where they stand. Moving out is the first key thing to do, followed by your son. After that, focus on getting your life together from there with NC other than matters relating to your son before contacting her again as a changed person.

      Reply
  • Robert

    Hello. My ex and I were together for 2 years. She found a new boyfriend 2 weeks after she broke up with me. It was so fast that I thought it was just a rebound relationship. They broke up because he cheated and my ex got depressed because of this. I want her back but I think she has been in love with this person since before she broke up with me. How can I win her back if she is in love with him? We broke up two months ago and I haven't done no-contact. The way that she talks about him and the way that she suffered for him makes me afraid that she really love him and will forgive him and come back with him in any moment.

    What should I do? I'm losing any hope to get her back, and it hurts me to see her in love with a person who makes her so unhappy.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you've still been in contact with her all this while, and perhaps even might have become her emotional blanket, it would be better to actually walk away and go into NC for now because the way she sees you may simply someone to help her out when she's emotional instead of you being the one she values.

      Reply
  • Julian

    I’m hoping this helps.. I’ll try to make it short and simple. Me and my fiancé broke up about 9 days ago. She broke up with me & I know why too. We were together for 4 years prior to that and had a long bumpy relationship. We have millions of great memories and she agreed but what I did wrong was over the years of being with her I got complacent. I started to not do the little things often, I didn’t show her much attention as time passed. She would say let’s do this or that like go to the beach and I would say I’m too tired or that’s not my thing , or she would wanna go out dancing and I never took action on it or she slept le get home from work and I didn’t cook and expected her to cook, I under appreciated her , I accused her of doing something my back ALL the time . I never trusted her like the fool I was and that led to arguments of course. Point is I resented her I didn’t give her all she deserved and made her feel horrible through out the way. I mean for god sakes she would ask “let’s go to the pool with our (almost 2 year old son)” yes I have a son !! And I never took action and said yea let’s go !! I know what I did wrong ! I understand it. After a while she just couldn’t take it . She said she was confused and no longer wanted to try this anymore . It also doesn’t help that she had a new co worker who came along at the end of this who she got attracted to because he was a “great guy” . But I know he’s just doing all this to show her that he’s not gonna do all the mistakes I did and it looks like she fell into it. So here we are , not together . About to move out and we’ve talked about how we’re gonna share custody of my son and all. It seems like it’s over but I know there’s a chance . She even told me earlier in the break up . “ I wanna love you but I don’t trust that you’ll change , I think your just gonna change temporarily until you get me back and then we’re gonna repeat the 4 years we had all over again and I refuse to let that happen again” I don’t blame her . I get it . But I know there’s a chance . Maybe not now but in the future . So I’m wondering how can I do this no contact rule if we have a son ?!? How can I follow all these steps accordingly with a son involved ??! Please help me , I’m ready for a change . I know why I did and I believe god did this to help me become a better version of myself . What do I do from here on out ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start by picking yourself up after all this, and focus on making these positive changes to yourself that would allow her to finally see you in a different light. You don't have to use words but instead use your actions to prove to her. The chance will always be there since you share a kid together, but it's not something to be taken for granted either.

      Reply
  • Adam

    My ex girlfriend & I were together for 11 years. Have 3 kids together. Broke up 7 months ago, but in that 7months we have been together on & off. I keep ruining things by saying things that I see on her phone that I question her about. Right now we’ve hit our lowest point because she says that she cares a lot for me, but doesn’t love me. I think she may have feelings for someone else, even though i do everything for her. No matter what I try & do, she doesn’t want to hug me or even let me touch her. I don’t know what else I can do to turn this one around? I love her with all my heart & she knows it, but to get nothing back in return says that she doesn’t want me back at all. I make mistakes like every other human on the planet, but she has no forgiveness for my apologies.

    I don’t know what to do? I can’t think, concentrate on anything knowing that she’s angry at me all the time.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that she has lost attraction for you, which is common for relationships that have passed a certain length. You'll have to figure out how to re-attract her to you again by building on the spark and romance between the relationship if you want things to work out in the long run. Avoid projecting your feelings of insecurity to her as it undermines your attraction levels further by coming across as an uncertain and insecure person.

      Reply
  • domenick

    hey, my girlfriend recently broke up with me after our break and i rarely ever talked to her which to me seems that was the reason we she ended things. She told me she has started to have feelings for another guy, and she has been hanging out with him more than i have with her, because i was usually busy. i want to get her back before it is too late, and i lose her forever. she just wants to be friends but doesn't feel like she loves me no more, but i know there's a part of her that still does.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She could still love you but is not longer in love or has feelings of passion towards you. Basically she has probably lost the spark so if you want to win her back, you're going to have to figure out a way to re-create that with her so she is attracted to you once more.

      Reply
  • Will

    My ex girlfriend told me that I mean a lot to her and that she cares so much for me and that she is so happy that we can still be friends after the break up. Obviously I don’t wanna be just friends, as I am talking to her regularly and trying to build connection between us. From here I just plan on flirting with her and building attraction. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Avoid being too pushy and outwardly displaying negative emotions, especially if she does not respond positively to your initial flirting.

      Reply
  • Jaidev

    Hello, Kevin. I broke up with my ex one month ago. We were in a LDR but were planning to move together in few months. She found a new boyfriend very fast but she stopped seeing him very fast too. Lately she acts corny with me, regrets seeing someone else and says me that she wants to be with me, but asked me for time to think about it. I have to tell you that I made all the mistakes that one can do after breaking up. I just found this amazing guide and found out about the no-contact. I don't know if I should do no-contact with her, I think that if I do that, she will forget me and go again with her new bf. Also, I don't know if it is the correct thing to do now that she accepted to me that she still have feelings for me. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you have only been with your ex for a short period, it may be better to give it another shot instead of applying NC straight away. NC can have an opposite effect on couples that have not spent enough time together to build a meaningful relationship with each other.

      Reply
    • Jaidev

      Oh, no. I forgot to say you that, we were together 2 years. Althought most of the time it was LDR.

      Reply
  • Hafzul

    Hi kevin, currently we break up almost one month ago . Our relationship goes around one year and half and stay together. And after break up immediately she date with new guys.and we still contact, usually she always start to contact me with multiple of topic that she can handle by herself. We still meet,goes out ,kissing and she accompany me and im also do the same thing with her which is always be there for her . She still send me some food and sometimes she accompany me at office it because before this she was my ex staff. She change after she got a new job . Meanwhile she met that man at outside which is her ex boyfriend friend. And she said also she didnt serious with her relationship after her new boyfriend got caught having another girl but they still continue their relationship . We often contact and after break up also she still wearing all my things that i give her as a present. But when im asking her about our status, she said we are just friend because she really comfortable with me to share and do a lot of things with be than her boyfriend. But she also admit she stuck between me and her new boyfriend. And another things her mom also goy involved with our relationship which is her mom always advice to go from me. Thats was im hear from her. And after slowly i try to asking what she feel to me, she admit she still love me but she stuck. What must i do? Its because we still have some commitment that we need to settle every month. My picture was still her inside instagram. Meanwhile her boyfriend picture also inside there but just only one picture. And day by day i try to break her expectations like change my physical , new work and my attitude until she asking why currently im very calm not like before this that im a bad temper person . Untill she said im currently locked her meanwhile i didnt do anything. Im just follow the flow. Because she looks like try hard to make me angry like wear a fancy attire, give a wrong direction. What im suppose to do now to win her back ??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with the positive changes you've been making. I would suggest to stop your relationship of intimacy and closeness with her for now, because she's currently too comfortable having the best of both worlds. She is able to spend time with you but doesn't have to call you her boyfriend because 'officially' she's with someone else. It may a difficult decision to make, but you have to show her that this isn't right and it's not something that can go on for long without someone eventually getting really hurt in the process.

      Reply
    • Hafzul

      Is that i must do no contact?? Tomorrow is my dinner with her family.. i hope everything was find . Stop intimacy and just meet her like a normal friend.. like that? ❤️

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be better if you do not meet up with her or attend these occasions for the time being, especially while she is together with her boyfriend because under these circumstances, you'll be the one seen as in the wrong. However, if you still intend to do so, perhaps limit intimacy and treat her as a normal friend for now, but it would best if you limit contact altogether during this period.

      Reply
    • Hafzul

      Okay then, i will put the limit during with her and her family.

      Reply
  • Droelloe

    Me and my girlfriend had been together for 4 months and I decided to break off because she doesn't want to have sex before marriage. I said to her that I can't wait that long and I'm still in college and don't want something serious. But 2 months later, I knew from someone that she is dating someone else, I didn't got frustrated at first but weeks later I did. What should I do in this situation. She seem pretty serious with this other guy and I know she won't give her virginity that easily. Should I get her back and wait for sex or should I just move on and go to a relationship with sex? Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends entirely on what you prioritize as more important to you, her or sex.

      Reply
    • Droelloe

      I really don't see myself sleeping with another woman. I really do want her back. Even if it means sacrificing sex for her. She started dating this guy 3 weeks after our breakup and it's been 2 months now. Do I still have a chance with her if so what can I do about it.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the circumstances, you could try first to restart a friendship with her, with no obvious external motives like 'wanting to win you back eventually'. If she allows for that, you could slowly rebuild the bond with her bit by bit. If the relationship was a meaningful one back then, she would eventually start to feel something again for you. However, just keep in mind that you guys were together for 4 months and have been broken up for 2. There's a chance that she may have actually moved on since, and you'll have to be mentally prepared to walk away if that's the case.

      Reply
  • Lionel

    My girlfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship and she broke up with me after dating for two years because I think she was growing closer to another guy. We broke up on relatively good terms. The first year we were together but then she had to move back to her country so we spent most of the 2nd year in an LDR. We had a very close and intimate relationship but I guess the distance took its toll and she needed the attention of someone nearby to be there for her when I couldn't. I had been planning a way to end the long distance this summer after finishing undergraduate studies but unfortunately, she couldn't wait that long. She said we needed a break in December before confirming the break up in January. I just found out recently from her that she's dating that new guy and I'm gonna be in her area next week. I asked if she wanted to meet up but she said it wouldn't be a good idea because of the new guy she's dating. When we were together I was very immature and didn't value her as much as I should have, but I love her with all my heart. I haven't seen her for 7 months and she doesn't know how much I've improved my lifestyle and priorities since she last saw me. I've been hitting the gym, I cut down on bad habits like video games, I got my driving license, a new job, and graduate school offers to move to her area but now I will have to do it to pursue my own goals. I really wish she could see the new and improved me but I don't know if she will ever get to, and I have given her plenty of space since the breakup. Is there any hope for me to win her back? She started dating the new guy about a month after breaking up with me. We're both 21 years old and she was living in the US while I was in the UK but I am planning to move to the US soon.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship was a meaningful one, there's still a chance, but not while she is together with her new date. I would suggest letting go of things for now, and trying to maintain a casual friendship with her for the time being. If an opportunity presents itself down the road and you still feel strongly for her, you can take another shot at that time.

      Reply
  • ROHIT

    Me and my gf were in a relationship for more than 5 years.Recently she breaked up with me because she is attracted to another guy.Please help me how to go through this and get her back

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may have gotten bored of the current relationship, and decided to create new excitement by finding another guy. You should spend this time working on yourself and improving aspects that you felt were lacking to re-create the excitement/passion you once shared with her. Show her that you're the better choice and that her interests in another person is unwarranted.

      Reply
  • Pete

    I was with my girl for 3 years and it was going well until I started working away a lot. I ended up cheating on her when i was away in Brazil and she found out. We got passed it but it made her a little jealous and we ended up having a big fight one night when I was out and she suspected something that never happened. We were living together and she decided to move out and in with a friend. After that we still kept seeing each other and never really addressed the break or whether we were officially going to get back together. We still chatted all the time and still had sex, a lot less often though.
    Recently I have been away working and we had been chatting a lot over messenger. I had been seeing other girls over there as we weren't together and I had a feeling she had seen other guys as the break started a year and a half ago. But neither of us really asked each other, she made a couple of jealous comments about some photos but nothing major. Before I was set to come back she started saying how much she really misses me and cant wait to see me and that we need to have a proper talk when I get back. I agree and take this as she wants to see if there is anything left between us. This is almost daily back and forth chatting at this point.

    When I get back for Christmas a couple of weeks later she is still chatting to me normally but every time I arrange to meet she is super busy, I know she works and studies and doesnt go out that often so I just take her word for it. This goes on for weeks and eventually I call her out on it. She then tells me I should have made more effort to see her and she is now sort of seeing someone else. Says she started seeing him as soon as she got back and it just happened unexpectedly. Obviously this shocked and confused me. She was actively avoiding me after being the one who was really pushing for us to get together and talk only a few weeks prior.

    I dont really know what to do. Id normally just leave it and wait but the fact I have not seen her in so long already because of being away working coupled with the fact we never really got full closure on things in the first place is making me go crazy. I always thought we would end up back together. I dont know if she has been seeing this guy for longer than she says, and shes just trying to downplay things and I just dont understand why she was messaging me so much before I got back acting like she was totally in love with me to then do a complete 180 as soon as i get back.

    I really want to get her back but I dont really know how to play this and I dont want to push her further towards this new guy and away from me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you guys sort of broke up back then, there isn't much you can do at this point since you've mentioned that both of you have dated around which makes the breakup more official (even if you guys did not sit down to address it). It's likely that she still has certain feelings towards you, but has chosen to be with the other guy instead. You could either try to sincerely win her back and if she loves you enough she may come back, or you could decide to walk away from this for the time being.

      Reply
  • Dan

    Hey Ryan,

    Not sure if she's in a relationship, but pretty sure she's seeing someone new. We were together for 2 years. I pushed her away by making her feel bad about many stuff. It took it's toll on her (a lot of crying and feeling insecure with me) and she finally cut the chord. She went into the MUST MOVE ON and HEAL stage pretty much immediately. 2 weeks post-breakup she even blocked me without me giving her a reason to. She was seriously hurt and resentful to me for making her feel "small" and "submissive". Anyway, break up was 2 months ago. I went into NC for 1 month after she blocked me. I worked on myself big time. I owe her money (she helped me out while I was in grad school). I decided to send her an e-transfer with a first time installment. She actually refused it. I subsequently picked up a phone and blocked my # and called her for the first time in over a month. Not knowing it was me she picked up. She goes on to say she doesn't want the money back (it's a few thousand dollars) because it will be a link between us. She doesn't want one. She says she doesn't see the sense of having me in her life anymore. That we don't have that much in common to be friends. This is when she said she has met "new" people and has been creating new friendships/relationships. She doesn't see my value (what I brought to the table) atm. I KNOW she is angry/hurt/resentful still, but I don't think it's impossible to get through to her. It's almost as though she can be "logically" convinced, but I have no real idea on how to go about doing this. I emphasized that I'm not trying to get her back. I want to pay her the money. She accepted the e-transfer, but doesn't want to unblock me (phone line/text, facebook). Only way to get through to her is by email, blocked phone (she may not pick up if she thinks it might be me, but would eventually if I spaced it out and let time pass). My strategy is to continue to work on me and send her another e-transfer in a few weeks. What's the best way to convince this woman (she's 27 btw) to second guess her decision to not have me be in her life in any capacity because A. she's still upset with me, B. she doesn't want me to weaken her resolve B. she doesn't see the value or purpose? I KNOW I can get through to her heart. Just a few minutes of talking with her (even though she was trying to stay strong and aloof on the phone) I could tell that her feelings were there underneath (she's hiding from them). What message should I be conveying to her? I think being bold and balsy (just calling her because I want to) DOES seem to work. She's giving me obstacles, but if I approach her with confidence, it might work with her. Either I call her again (block my #) in a few weeks, or I literally just show up in a month or 2 after another payment (she lives alone) so she gets to see me for the first time in a few months. I could just say I wasn't planning on coming but was in the area and felt like passing by. Let her get to see the "new" me. I look a lot different. What are your thoughts? Opinions? Strategies you would use? It feels like it's just a matter of time with her. She doesn't want to look back, but that doesn't mean I have to stay away if the man who pops in every now and then it strong, confident and reminds her of the man she once was attracted to, not by my words, but through my attitude.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Definitely do not show up randomly at her place because it could just as easily backfire on you and make you seem like a stalker. You shouldn't continue to block your number before calling her either because all these methods are simply ways to 'trick' her into talking to you again, which isn't something you want to be doing. I suggest actually going longer with no contact this time around since she seems pretty stubborn, and to continue working on yourself in the meantime. Since she's still upset with you, it's better to give enough time for her to be willing to talk to you on her own will, and not pressured by your actions.

      Reply
  • Evan

    Hello

    My ex girlfriend and i broke up about 4 months ago and we were together for about 3 and a half years. We had a very strong connection and have been through hell and back together but towards the end of the relationship things got really rough and we just started fighting about everything and became very mean towards each other.

    Over the time that we have broken up we haven't really spoken and i have only used the no contact rule so far. Her and i spoke a couple days ago (friday) and she has confessed that she "likes" someone but she said that she does not want a relationship and is hesitant on liking this guy because she has been friends with the guy for a very long time. She also mentioned all of these things without me really even asking her and when she confessed these things she also tried getting me to tell her if i was seeing someone else. She also mentioned about how she still wants to hear from me and that she still cares for me and that when things go wrong she still really wants to call me and has to fight herself not too. At the end of that conversation she said that i am the perfect guy but we became to mean to each other and fought more then we loved and that is no way to be. She messaged me again yesterday (sunday) asking me if she is aloud to go back to the restaurant her and i used to eat at often because she knows i eat there often and she is scared to run into me. We continued with conversation and i brought up a funny memory of a time her and i went to that restaurant with some friends. She responded with lol and saying she could never forget that moment. Also i have noticed she still stalks my Instagram and does not follow me

    I dont know what to do i still really want to win her back but dont know if i have a chance because she has mentioned that she now likes someone ..... are you able to please give me some advice ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may have started to like someone else, but it doesn't mean that she has fully gotten over you. It seems like she still cares for you and is responding positively. If you really want to win her back, you could always show her care and concern as a friend first, before slowly building up feelings once more. It's important to slowly change her mindset towards the breakup, as being mean to each other was more of a by product of the length the both of you were together. This tends to happen in long-term relationships and fights are common, because both parties start to take each other for granted, get impatient, and start to be less tolerant in general.

      Reply
    • Evan

      Thank you for your speedy reply. So would you advise me to follow any of the strategy you guys have laid out ? Or just be friends with her and take things slow and is there a limit on how much i should be texting her because her and i have been speaking since Sunday.

      Reply
    • Evan

      Or a better question how do i know when its time to just stop and move on ?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could still follow our guidelines, but remember that everyone's situation is different and the guidelines only serve as a rough direction for you to take. For the time being, as I've mentioned you could always choose to continue to be there and support her, or you could choose to walk away. The ideal time to walk away is entirely dependent on you, and how badly you want it, or rather how much you're still hurting. You would know best on what's best for yourself and whether it may be a better idea to simply walk away.

      Reply
    • Evan

      Hey ryan,

      So we were speaking everyday consistently then randomly after like 2 weeks of talking everyday she messaged me to say texting is okay but she does not want to call me anymore because phone calls are too personal. That conversation led to us talking about getting back together and it ended off in her saying that she still loves me but she really likes this orher guy and wants to pursue something with him. Also she said she can only be friends with me and nothing more. I feel lost now and dont know what to do it feels like im back at square 1 all over again. After that conversation i stopped talking to her for about a week. I still do really want to work things out with her and be with her but do you think i still may have a chance or is it time to give this up ? Can you please give me some advice ?

      Reply
    • Evan

      also we are going on almost 5 months since we’ve broken up.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The best thing you can do right now is to give her space and let her figure out what she wants, and even explore her feelings. By getting in her way, you might cause her to feel resentful towards you and even be reminded of the bad memories during the relationship. It definitely sucks to hear this, but if you're unable to do so and simply remain friends with her for now while you build up trust and comfort again with her, it may be a better idea for yourself to walk away from this.

      Reply
    • Evan

      Hello Ryan,

      Thank you for your response. So i’ve decided to try and stay friends with her and she has now asked to meet up for dinner but she said she needs to run it by her “partner” first because she doesn’t want to over step any boundaries. A part of me wants to meet up with her but i dont know if its a good idea. I feel like she just really sees me as a friend and nothing more. Is this a case where im being friend zoned ? Can you please advise me on what i should do.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could meet up with her and gauge from there, but if you really do feel friendzoned at this point and she's dating someone else, you might be better off considering letting her go for now to build some distance so that if she ever ends things with her partner and you contact her again, the odds of her seeing you as only a friend may be slightly lower.

      Reply
    • Evan

      Would you consider this a case where i am being friend zoned if she has to ask her “partner” about meeting up ? And so should i be letting go of this now ? If so how should i go about doing it ? Im confused about what to do at this point. Just a few weeks ago she told me how she still loves me and Her and i still talk everyday through text.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Asking her partner regarding meeting you is more out of respect for him rather than being friend zoned, and it's entirely up to you if you wish to let go or hold on. It's really dependent on how much you want the relationship and the extent you're willing to go through in the meantime. If you decide to let go, the best alternative would be to apply no contact again, and focus on recovery this time.

      Reply
    • Evan

      So what are things to look out for that would be considered being friendzoned ? And i am stuck in limbo here on whether to let go or hold on. I do want the relationship back badly but i am losing hope. Theres no guidelines on when you need to let go

      Reply
    • Evan

      So i asked her about going to eat and she said “so my partner was definitely not okay with it. Dinner might not be a good until he realizes we are just friends. He means alot to me and as do you but he is my partner and you know better than anyone id never go against my partners wishes. Im sorry i hope you understand.”

      Then i asked if they were actually dating and she said “no no i still stand where i stand on dating im too busy and not ready. But he is my partner and someone i enjoy being around.” I responded saying “no worries i understand.” She then responded saying “thank you for not being immature about it i know its not easy to hear. You’ve grown so much since we’ve parted and im soo proud of you.”

      How do i make sense of all this and what would you advise me to do now ? Do you think i may still have a chance to win her back ? If so what would you suggest me to do ? Or would it be fair to say now is the time to walk away ? And if i decide to move on should i have a conversation with her about it or just cut her off ?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, the fact that she sees the change in you is a good thing. If you genuinely want her back, you might have to mentally prepare to play the waiting game as there's no time estimated frame to when they may or may not end. I would advice you under these circumstances not to get your hopes up, and have a mindset that you're out to be her friend first and foremost. Anything else becomes a bonus.

      Reply
  • Kj

    Long story short my ex girlfriend and I dated for a month long distance and we were close friends for a year prior. I feel she lost all attraction because my personality was depressing and she says that it's not my fault its just how she sees the person and she sees me as a friend d doesn't like me. This happened 2 months ago and we're in co tact now after no contact. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Try not to project your emotions onto her, and keep things cheerful and friendly. If she sees you as only a friend for now, it may be advisable to try and mix things up a little without being too pushy (flirt a little, but play it cool if she doesn't respond the way you want her to) and definitely work on your issues especially if you're feeling depressed about something in particular.

      Reply
  • Suarez Arturo

    Hi, I just got divorced six months ago and we still live together, after the divorce we started trying things out again and it failed due to me not being there all the time and going out about a month after that she started a married guy who is seperated this has been going on since early to mid novemeber. I have realized all my mistakes and want to get her back I can follow the steps except for the one of no contact as we live together. I have already done the mistakes of possibly pushing her closer to that guy but have now stopped and started getting of the couch waiting for her. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you still live together with her, and genuinely want her back, you could start by being sweet to her and showing her that you've changed with actions. If she has only recently started going out with someone new, then it's still easier to convince her before she gets too emotionally invested to let things go.

      Reply
    • Arturo Suarez

      I believe that she is already emotionally vested in this new relationship, she treats me like garbage at times, but just last week she heard me talking to a girl that is only my friend and she got super jealous she started asking who are you talking to and then started yelling stuff to get a reaction from me, and at the same time she doesn’t seem to be trying to move out of my house I have tried my best to treat her like a queen from cooking on the regular to helping around the house to where she does nothing at home anymore. I even prep her lunch. But still I get nothing but negativity. I can be patient but don’t know for how long as I do love her and am not ready to let 18 years go away just like that.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If that is the case, it might be better (and healthier) to consider following through with the divorce for now, and what typically comes with it. That includes moving out as any normal divorced situation would, because by staying under the same roof while she goes out with another guy, she's not going to change her attitude towards you and may even take advantage of your sincerity and efforts. Do understand by following through with the divorce 'steps', you're not actually going to give up (as long as you still want her back). The purpose of moving out, and seemingly moving on with your life is to make the entire situation feel real to her. The way I see things right now, she has not registered emotionally that the divorce has happened, and it needs to hit her before any changes can be made. That is why she shows no signs of sadness over the situation, and can still treat you poorly, and start going out with other guys in the meantime.

      Reply
  • C

    Hey, long story that I'll try to keep short. We were friends, she was married but contemplating divorce. We flirted then it became physical. Everything was great. She was also my gym partner so we work out together 4 or 5 times a week. She wanted to talk about our relationship but I dodged the talk. I had feelings for her but didn't tell her because I didn't wanna get hurt. We were together for 2.5 yrs til she stopped sleeping with me & said that I was in friendzone. I still worked out with her but gave her space. I finally told her how I felt about her & that I loved her. She told me that it was too late & it would be different if I had said something months ago. She started dating someone after we stopped sleeping together. She says that she's happy & content but has feelings for me & cares for me. How do I get her back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try to continue to be there for her as a friend first, but showing care and concern towards her. It might help her redevelop feelings for you, that was once lost months back.

      Reply
  • Izzy

    Hey,
    I've read most of your articles and I need some insight on my situation. I was in a relationship with someone for 6 months, overall it was great. There were moments that we clashed because she tended to be more spontaneous while I liked to follow a schedule. This was also my first serious relationship and I made quite a few mistakes. I know I became too clingy, let her get away with things and so on. Always in fear of losing her. I realize that now after reading these articles but I digress. Then towards the end of December, she tells me that she found a way to deal with being alone and wants to break up. At first I agreed but said we should end it officially in person. Two days later, she goes out on a date with a new guy. I later on find out that shes been liking this guy for the past two weeks and once we broke up, she jumped into that one. Shes rushing it, already including him on her posts when it took months for her to do that for me. When I asked her about it, she said it was all for fun and I quote "who knows, it might not even become that serious." Her actions seem so confusing, but does it seem like a rebound? The last thing that confuses me is that when we last spoke, she said she hated me cause she could tell I trusted her less and it was all her fault. Is she feeling guilty now? Anyway, since then, I have started no contact. I already removed her from snapchat and spending more time with friends and getting back to working out. Do you think I have a good chance if I message her again after a month. Thank you for your help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Izzy,

      It does seem like a rebound so you do still have a chance. You should text her after a month. Make sure you read the full detailed article on winning her back.

      Reply
    • Izzy

      Awesome, thank you for the insight. As for contacting later on, should I use the elephant in the room text or not? Cause although she does seem to be in a rebound and I made the usual mistakes of asking for another chance, we didn't have a big fight in the end. I just told her I wanted space for myself and she was fine with it.

      Reply
  • Elliott Scales

    Hi,
    Your articles are awesome and have been a great read.
    My situation seems a little different to most. My girlfriend and I met in England 4 years ago we managed 2 years and broke up for 4-5 months in which she being polish moved back to Poland. In the new year of 2016 we got back together with me flying to Poland often and her the other way but usually 6 weeks in between. We managed the entire year of 2016 but split mutually in Feb 2017. It was then may she then contacted me after months of silence of which I then flew out within in weeks only to have the most amazing weekend. So may to November was great and one day and I could tell you why I ended it 6 weeks before I was to fly for Christmas in Poland with her and her family. It was also a time she really needed me and I serverly let her down. It was on the day of my birthday 10th of December we spoke just to catch up and I wanted to know how she was.
    Hearing her voice made me click back into love again but on that call she said a week later she started dating my polar opposite. I said nothing but good luck and wished her the best.
    22nd of December came and I should have been flying out there. My flight reminder broke me down and I then realised my huge mistake. We spoke on Christmas Day where I asked are we repairable, her reply she had met me soul mate. Again I did not question this and ended the call 10-20 minutes later in style no drama. But I just can not believe that to be true. Her soul mate! 8 weeks before that she wants to move back to England and we start a life together and now she met her soul mate? Crazy to me I can not believe it. New year I text her I love her and I want her back. She told me I need to let her go and happy new year. To me I had, had her say those cop out words before and shortly we were back.
    It’s been 10 days no contact and I continue to do so.
    Is this man her soul mate or likely a rebound?

    Also I have booked flights to Poland for the end of Feb after a business trip to Romania as a surprise in wanting her to see me in the flesh and talk about it.
    Am I mad to do this? Or the perfect romantic reaction?
    Thank you so much in advance
    Elliott

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, the guy could be either or, as she did not jump into things immediately after the breakup. It would really depend on how she views it and you'll probably need a clearer picture. As for flying over, you could make sure you're on good terms with her first before the date, but I would also suggest finding out if there's any chance she still has feelings for you because it could very well go south if you show up unannounced but she is in a happy relationship.

      Reply
    • Elliott Scales

      It was within 5 days she met this guy at the weekend after? Is that not straight in? And then to tell me about it? Seemed off, I could be in denial. We are on good terms, we cleared everything up at Christmas. Flying out is a gamble I know.
      As for the feelings and her being a bit of a closed book for the first 3 years it was only in October last year she told me she loved me for the first time. I took it for granted.

      Reply
  • Liam

    My ex has broken um with me nearly 4 months ago, and I immediately started the no contact. After 1 1/2 months she sent me a text that she was considering starting a relationship with a colleague of mine and I was shocked, because I did know she was in contact with him when we were together, and also after but I never thought they would do that. I kept on doing the no contact to get my life together. But in the holidays when she came back from a school maybe two hours away from where, we live she told some friends that she would want to sort things out because I am ignoring the approaches of my colleague and then a week ago I decided to tell her in person that I can't be in a friendship with her, because I cant see my colleague and her. But I relised that was a mistake. I don't know now how to do and finish the no contact and start to text her or to go on with the plans what you have suggested in this article. Because I know she would immediately text back if I would text her but I don't want that we fall in to a friendship, I would like to work for a new relationship with her and keeping it. We ate both around 20 years old and were in the relationship for about 2 and a half years.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with no contact indefinitely if she is dating your colleague at the moment and move on with your life if you're unable to stay friends with her. It's not advisable to interfere with her current relationship since she might resent you for it. If you feel able to be her friend without the hope of getting back together for the meantime, then start there.

      Reply
    • Liam

      Thank you Ryan.
      I just have another question. Can I use these ways as described in the article if I stop the no contact in future? To get in contact again. Or aren't these recommended under these circumstances.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex broke with me and moved out while I was away at a conference. We had a been together 2 and half years, combined long distance, then She moved to me and we lived together for 1 and half years. She sent an email ending with do not contact, also saying why she was leaving (I had been critical and controlling).
    Through simple luck, I spoke to her for 2 hours on phone before she left, we discussed the huge work stress I had been under, and that we both loved each other, but she needed space and had moved away again. I told her I understood - we didn't argue.

    I was a little slow initiating no contact - 12 days before Christmas. She created a group for a Christmas message and included me. I sent her a friendly e-card for Christmas and we chatted back and forth until just before new year where she went distant again.
    The big question I have is that I will be in her area in 15 days time, do I try and contact her or do I fully restart no contact?

    I was thinking of delivering the hand written apology letter and leaving it there, or should I let her know I am in area?

    Apologies, my age is 41, she is 36. And by LDR, I mean different countries very distant apart.
    Relationship had been amazing, but significant increase in workload and conflict of interest had put me under intense pressure last year. Am getting counselling for Type A and stress management etc, and following all other steps.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, if you have completed NC already, and have already initiated contact with her, there's nothing wrong with letting her know that you'll be in town and if she is keen to meet you.

      Reply
  • Jay

    Hi Kevin,
    I like your articles. I’m in a tough spot. The emotional stress has taken a physical toll on me. We broke up awhile ago. I gave it a month of no contact, worked on myself. We started talking and she slammed me immediately with hurtful stuff of how she was talking to someone else. Not sure if she was trying to push me away or if she was for real. I feel I kept my composure, and we got to talking ok. She has admitted that indirectly that she still loves me. Things were kind of going well, but a couple of days later I got mad and distant because of the hurtful stuff she told me 2 days before. But still a day after that, on her way back from a trip she offered for me to call her. I did, and we accidentally argued because of me. So she blocked me from calling. She got distant the next couple of days and I might of texted a couple of times a day, but with little to no response. Christmas came up and I figured it was my chance. I gave her roses and balloons. She responded nicely with a picture of her holding the flowers and balloons. I told her I wanted to bring over one expensive present, she said no, but under the advice of a couple of women..... I decided to stop by anyways and “fight for her”. Besides a couple nice moments,It didn’t go well. The main thing I feel I did wrong was I said I didn’t want her to be with the other guy, and even made a disparaging remark. The next day, I told her I didn’t like the new her and the way she treated me these last couple of weeks and that she lost her sense of self and i insinuated moving on. She seems confused right now. I feel her friend is slyly manipulating her. She seems to still have feelings for me. New Years is in a couple days. I want to text her and level with her, but idk if she’ll respond. Did I mess everything up? Where do I go from here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Even if her friend is indeed manipulating her, if you really want her back, you can't go around telling her what to do or getting angry (even if it hurts you) because you guys are not together at the moment. She is probably confused not strictly by how her friend is manipulating her, but also by your sweet actions vs your instinctive behavior of getting jealous and confronting her. You have to be patient and be able to take things in your stride, slowly winning her back unconditionally if you really want to win her over.

      Reply
    • Justin

      Thank you for answering. One quick thing, I've never gotten verbally or physically angry with her, just a bit distant with reactions. Which I think did confuse her. What do you think my next move should be? I thought about the last couple of text I received before heading over there the other night(to tell her how I love her and still want to be together). i told her we both still love each other, and her response was "so?". That response insinuates that she realizes she loves me and I love her, but doesn't seem to matter to her. Since leaving her place I told her the next morning that I was upset with the way she treated me and insinuated moving on. Its been a couple of days since texting her. I want to text her now and ask her about the text mentioned above, and ask her why she wouldn't be with someone she loves. But she might get defensive. I don't know if the other guy is really with her, or what. Im not sure if she will answer if i message her. She might even block me. And i think i will feel worse if that happens. On the other hand if i dont text her.....

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, I suggest keeping things casual for now and slowly working your way back to her. She might not be ready to face her emotions, or that she's upset, which resulted in her not caring whether you both love each other or not. If you can't find a way to be completely casual and not pressure her to get back together right now, then you should continue with NC further.

      Reply
    • Dan

      It's because love sometimes isn't enough my friend. She's not with you because she doesn't love you. She doesn't trust that you can be the right guy for her on more of a fundamental/basic level. Like me, you seem to be a man who is ruled by your emotions and possibly a little controlling. Perhaps she doesn't feel like she can be herself with you. It seems like your feelings are more important than hers. She is her own person and the ONLY way you will EVER have a chance with her is if she feels you accept her for who she is and whatever decisions she takes. That doesn't mean you have to leave her alone forever. In fact, if you want her back ONE DAY, you shouldn't leave her alone forever, but what you do need to do is show her (don't just tell her) that you respect her and that you UNDERSTAND how she feels about whatever it is she expresses to you, even if it's something you don't agree with (her getting closer to that other guy). The facts are that had you been more the guy she needed you to be, this other dude would have never had a chance with her. The more you show her you are hurt, or affected, or angry with her, the more you will validate her decision in having left you and staying away. I assume that because you never came back on her to reply to Ryan that either you got her back, or you didn't and have now pursued other stuff.

      Reply
  • T

    I'm lost and don't know what to do...how can a woman tell you that she loves you and cares about you after she just told you a week earlier she is seeing another guy? We had been dating for 5-6 months prior to this and were intimate. The lines of communication are still open and at the moment she still goes out with me when I ask her. I'm not sure how to handle/act now when we are together. The last time we got together when I said I had a good time she said "I always have a good time with you"? In the recent past she also made a comment that everything is going to work out one way or another...WTH does that mean? Is there any hope for this situation? What is going on here? I don't know whether to keep in contact or do no contact, which is hard for me because of my feelings for her. I'm not sure if this is a rebound relationship she's in because she was evidently seeing this person while she was seeing me. I'm trying not to pressure her but get the impression she thinks I am...but she still goes out with me. I know actions speak louder than words most of the time but this is so confusing. I would think if you want to be with someone else you wouldn't want to go out with me?

    She has been in this new relationship a couple of months and she says she's the type of person that when she makes up her mind she doesn't change it. But there are things in her life that suggest otherwise.

    Need some help here on what to do and why!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey T,

      If the situation is too confusing for you and it's taking a toll on your emotional health, DO NO CONTACT. You cannot win her back if you are not strong, mentally and emotionally. So if she contacts you, tell her that the breakup and everything else that has happened is too much for you to handle and that you need space. Do no contact. There's a good chance she will try to do things to get your attention when you start no contact. If so, ignore her.

      Reply
  • George

    My ex fiance and I broke up a few years ago after we had our child together. Because of our child we are in constant contact and are on friendly terms. Since the split we've still been sleeping together off and on. She's recently started talking to another guy, and constantly assures me he's just a friend despite the dates and late night hang outs. I bought the EBP guide but I'm not sure which strategy to follow since we fell into multiple categories. Should I follow one, or is there a mix that I should follow?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey George,

      You should back off for a while and give yourself some space and time. Do no contact and only speak to her about your child. Don't sleep with her anymore and focus on yourself. She wants to keep you as a backup while she explores her option. Backing off and doing no contact will make her realize that you can not be manipulated. There's a chance she will start a rebound with the other guy, but it will hopefully end soon. Even if it doesn't you can win her back if you follow the steps mentioned in the article.

      Reply
    • George

      Ok, after the limited/NC period how do I approach since we'll still have to be in constant contact for the children? I'm not sure how to apply what the guide says to my specific situation.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey George,

      Just text her using the template mentioned above. Be honest about how you feel about the whole situation. You need to plant an idea in her mind that you have changed, and things might be different. Once you have done that, back off again for a few days.

      Reply

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