When we were still together, cuddling on the sofa late in the evening, my ex asked me if I will always love her.

It felt euphoric.

“This amazing woman wants me to always love her”, I thought to myself. Without giving it a second thought, I said, “Of course, I will. I will never stop loving you.”

Fast forward one year later. We had been broken up for three months and she just told me that she didn’t love me anymore.

But I still loved her.

It was painful.

It was painful because it came with the realization that this love was one-sided. And the thought that I would never find a love as special as this one.

I wished I could just forget that I ever knew her.

And then I thought that maybe I bought this upon myself. Maybe when I said I will always love her, I kind of cursed myself and turned it into a reality. Maybe I will never stop loving her because I sent those words out in the universe in a moment of euphoria.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

I did stop loving her. I moved on from her. But it wasn’t the way I thought it would happen. I didn’t just forget about her. I didn’t forget about the beautiful moments we spent together. My love for her kind of transformed into acceptance. Acceptance for myself and everything that happened to me.

In a way, you could say that I still love my ex. Because the experiences I had with my ex are a part of me. And I love myself more than I loved myself back then.

I have since become a breakup coach and have helped thousands of people with their breakups and the remnant feelings they have for their ex. And I have seen people’s love for their ex transform over time in different ways.

One of my clients, Kapila, said that she strongly felt that her love for her ex boyfriend was once in a lifetime. She was absolutely sure that she will always keep loving him and that she could never love someone the way she loved her ex. Her feelings changed over time from “absolutely sure” to “maybe”. And then eventually, she realized that she did not even love him anymore. It was as if the love just went away. She actually started disliking him.

Kapila’s case was a bit different from mine in the sense that her relationship with her ex-boyfriend affected her self-esteem negatively. She was always looking for his approval and it made her feel like he was the only person in the world who could make her feel like she is worth something.

But when she started to love and accept herself, she slowly realized how unhealthy it was for her to be with him. Her love for her ex-boyfriend transformed into dislike and a warning. A warning to not get in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you.

Why Do You Still Love Your Ex?

You love your ex because they were special to you. The relationship was special to you. The moments you experienced together were special. The connection you felt was special.

You are probably also missing the way you felt when you were with your ex. Maybe it was something you never felt before in your life. Maybe being with your ex was a matter of pride. Or maybe just knowing someone loves you gives you a sense of calmness. A sense of security.

Or you may just be desperate and addicted to your ex because of some deep issues that you need to work on.

Let’s explore these reasons a little bit more.

1. Your brain changes when you fall in love and changes again during the breakup:

Scientists have discovered that our brains change significantly when we fall in love. All the happy chemicals flooding in rewires the brain. It may even change the way you feel about yourself, the way you view the world, and the way you view love.

Kind of freaky, huh?

Well, that’s how we evolved. Neurosurgeon Philip E. Stieg, Ph.D., M.D., explains that Romantic love can feel all consuming because “it’s meant to spur us into action.” He says, “This biological drive evolved millions of years ago to give us the ability to focus intently on another member of our species and mate.”

And when a breakup happens, our brains change again. “One of the most painful experiences that a human being can suffer is to lose a life partner”, says biological anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, who is famous for her study that linked post-breakup pain to being addicted to a drug.

Our brains are wired to still love an ex after the breakup. You can also say that we are hard-wired to not give up on our love easily.

What you should take away from this is the fact that it’s normal to still love your ex after a breakup. It’s normal to have an intense yearning for your ex. If you are scared that you will never feel the same way about anyone else ever again, it’s common to feel this way. So don’t feel bad about it. The feelings may linger for a while, but they will eventually go away.

2. You never expected a breakup.

For a lot of people, a breakup is unexpected. Especially when you thought you had found the love of your life. And as a result, they just can’t let go of the feelings they have for their ex.

For me, I always thought we would work things out. I could never imagine she would break up with me, much less stop loving me. I thought our love was eternal. In my head, I could see us growing old together with a picket fence and whatnot.

Sure, we had our problems, but I always thought we would work through them and come out stronger.

A part of me kept believing that this breakup was temporary. That it was just a roadblock in our eternal love story and that she will eventually come back.

Later (much later), I realized that our problems were unfixable.

I realized it was a good thing our breakup happened.

A lot of my clients came to the same realization when they shifted their focus to understanding and accepting the breakup.

For some of my clients, the breakup was the push they needed to get their act together and fix the issues that lead to the breakup. Some of them even got back together in a new and stronger relationship with their ex.

3. You may have low self-esteem (or your self-esteem may be tied to your ex and your past relationship).

Most people don’t want to hear this, but having low self-esteem is associated with not wanting to let go of an ex partner.

For some people, the low self-esteem was always there. Some people develop low self-esteem issues while staying in an unhealthy relationship. And others develop low self-esteem issues after a bad breakup.

According to a scientific study titled “Putting me back together by getting back together“, You may also have an anxious attachment towards your ex that may contribute to you not wanting to let go of them.

Th authors of the study say “Those who experience substantial self-concept confusion upon relationship dissolution should be particularly motivated to rekindle the relationship. In particular, because those high in attachment anxiety have difficulty separating themselves from their former partner and experience greater self-concept confusion upon dissolution, they should be especially motivated to rekindle their dissolved relationships.”

In simple terms, people who get confused about their identity after a breakup are more likely to want to get back together with their ex. This is especially true for people who have an anxious attachment style.

(Note: Self-Concept Clarity and Self-Esteem are closely related to each other.)

This may not be the case with you. I am not assuming anything here. I am just putting the idea out there. And if you relate to the following, this may be something to look into and work on.

You may have low self-esteem if you

  • Blame yourself constantly for the breakup.
  • Are hard on yourself for making the mistakes that lead to the breakup.
  • Don’t really know who you are or what you want in life without your ex.
  • Have an intense desire to change yourself to fit into what your ex wants you to be.
  • Are terrified of the thought of losing your ex to someone else
  • Were so immersed in the relationship that you alienated your friends and family.

I personally did realize that I suffered from low self-esteem after my first breakup. For me, there were areas of my life I was extremely confident in. But I had severe low self-esteem when it came to love and relationship. It didn’t just happen because my ex girlfriend was unfair to me or the relationship was bad. It was always there until I decided to face it. I didn’t think I deserved someone who loved me and had to put up an act all the time to make sure my girlfriend doesn’t leave me.

It’s also interesting to note that you may have high self-esteem and still love an ex. Your ex may truly be a great person and the connection you had may just be really special. We will discuss that in the points below.

4. Your relationship with your ex may have an unhealthy pattern.

This closely ties to having low self-esteem. Some people stay in a relationship with unhealthy patterns because they have low self-esteem. While some people develop low self-esteem issues because they were in an unhealthy relationship for a long time.

When you and your ex have an unhealthy or toxic relationship patterns, then you get so used to it that you feel lost when it’s over. For example,

  • You both have a pattern of fighting badly and then making up. But when the breakup happened, you just keep hoping that you will make up again.
  • Your ex had a pattern of becoming cold and shutting down but then becoming normal again after a while. And a part of you hopes that this is just him/her being cold and they will come back, and things will become normal again.
  • You were always looking for your partners approval. You wanted to please them and would make a lot of sacrifices for them. And a part of you wants to win their approval one last time and get them back.
  • Your ex would put you through a lot of tests and manipulation. When you pass, you would be rewarded with love and appreciation. And now, a part of you thinks this is another test you need to pass to be happy again.

A lot of times, people don’t realize these unhealthy patterns until months after the breakup.

If these patterns are not that severe, you could argue that they can be fixed with learning to communicate better. But for a lot of people, such unhealthy patterns repeat again if they get back together with their ex.

The point is, you should be aware of any unhealthy patterns you and your ex repeated while you were together. And you should learn from those patterns. Learn about yourself, about your ex, about the way you handle relationship conflicts and how you can avoid this in your future relationship.

4. You feel there just aren’t enough options out there for you.

This reason is also kind of tied into having low self-esteem but it’s also about the logistics of dating situation around you. For example, if you live in a small town that doesn’t have many options for dating for your gender, age group, sexual orientation; then you may just be hung up on your ex for a long time. The reason simply being you don’t see much hope in the dating market.

People who feel this way are quick to move on from an ex when they eventually find someone to date again. When they realize that there are other options out there, they don’t feel so desperately in love with their ex anymore.

5. The connection you had with your ex may be truly special.

So, this is what a lot of people tend to believe after a breakup. Some of my clients say things like, “I will never love another man the way I loved my ex.”

Or “I have never loved a woman the way I loved my ex and I never will. I still love her.”

And they really mean it.

It could be true for you. Your relationship with your ex may truly be one of a kind that you never before experienced (or will experience).

I am assuming here that you are not feeling this way because of neediness, low self-esteem, or desperation. Cause often people confuse that with love.

Psychological science has made great progress in understanding romantic love and attachment; but sometimes, you just can’t explain that connection you feel with that special someone.

That’s why we often see terms like “soul mate” or “Twin flame” tossed around in movies or TV shows. It’s something you feel and it’s hard to explain in words. (Although, poets are pretty good at describing it).

If you truly feel that you and your ex had a special connection, then maybe you are right. And the love you feel for them may linger for a long time because you will find it hard to develop a connection like that with someone.

In fact, we conducted a large-scale study of 3512 participants and found that a lot of people still loved their exes after more than a year of the breakup. When we asked them what they thought was the reason for not being able to move on from their ex, a whopping 75% of them said it was because they still felt their ex was the one for them.

It’s also interesting to note that around 70% of those who still haven’t moved on said that they were generally satisfied with their life and were happy. They weren’t obsessing over their ex. They weren’t desperately trying to win their ex back. They were just going about their lives normally while still being in love with their ex.

The Difference Between Loving Your Ex and Desperately Wanting Them Back

It’s very important to understand the difference between being in love with your ex and being desperately in love with your ex (or being addicted to them).

Think of it in terms of loving your favorite meal (like the Bolognese pasta) and being addicted to a drug. You love the pasta because it’s an excellent meal. It’s tasty, nutritious, looks great on the plate and leaves you with a type of satisfaction you love. But you can still live without eating the pasta. You may crave it every now and then, but you won’t do anything desperate if you can’t get it.

But if you are addicted to a drug, the craving is almost unbearable. You may take desperate actions to satisfy the craving. When you don’t get the drug, you feel withdrawal symptoms that make you feel anxious, restless and turn you into someone you are not. You feel you need the drug to be yourself again.

Well, researchers have found out that romantic love can feel like an addiction because you get a rush of these chemicals and hormones that make you feel really good. This is especially true in the starting stage of the relationship when you are crushing on someone.

You can argue it’s a healthy addiction because it serves a critical evolutionary purpose. But the problem comes when it’s taken away from you. Because rejection can feel like a withdrawal symptom from a drug. And the symptoms you feel after a breakup are similar to those who are suffering from withdrawal of something they were addicted to.

Some people say things like, “I love my ex so much it hurts” and what they mean is that they actually feel physical and psychological symptoms of the breakup. The breakup pain is very real for them and they want to find a way to stop the pain.

These symptoms include…

  • Feeling anxious about the breakup all the time.
  • Constant thoughts about what happened or what your ex may be doing.
  • Crying for long time and often.
  • An intense desire to reach out to them via text or phone call. Kind of like how you may want a “hit” of the drug you are addicted to.
  • Fantasizing in your head about getting them back. And the thought calming down the nerves.

In a way, everyone is a little bit addicted to their romantic partners and almost everyone feels some degree of these symptoms after a breakup. But they eventually subside after a month or two.

However, if you are experiencing such extreme level of anxiety for your ex even after months or years, then you probably need to explore why and getting therapy may be a good option.

On the other hand, you may just be okay with the breakup and still love your ex. And in my experience, that type of love is okay to have. You move on, and your ex just becomes a valuable experience for you. Or you may find a way back to each other after a few weeks or months. Some couples continue having feelings for each other even years after the breakup. Some even get back together after years of staying apart (Case in point – Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck).

I have had many clients who got back together with their ex after being separated for more than a year.

But it wasn’t because they were desperately in love with their ex during all that time. They weren’t constantly struggling with internal conflict, anxiety, miscommunication or social media manipulation.

They kept on going about their life, kept learning, kept growing and eventually realized they were perfect for each other.

How To Cope with The Breakup, Stop Loving Your Ex and Heal?

The best way to cope with breakup and move on from an ex is to focus on self-care, letting yourself grieve, being patient with yourself, focus on self-improvement, and spending time with friends and family. For some people, that path also leads to getting back with their ex. Let’s explore this a bit more:

Focus on Self-Care:

Self-care is the most important aspect of moving on from a breakup. When you start loving and caring for yourself, when you start treating yourself with kindness, you start realizing you don’t need your ex. I think the song Flowers by Miley Cyrus is the best breakup song of the decade because it focuses exactly on self-care.

Self-Care includes

  • Eating Healthy
  • Exercising Regularly
  • Relaxing Activities such as a massage or a hot bath.
  • Meditation
  • Spending time with your loved ones
  • Buying Yourself Flowers (Duh!)
  • And much more.

Limit or End Contact with Your Ex:

Remember how we discussed about being addicted to an ex can make you feel like you are desperately in love with them?

Every time you speak to your ex, you are giving your brain a dose of your ex and prolonging the recovery time.

Well, cutting of contact with your ex is the best way to stop that addiction. Doing so is also called the no contact rule and it’s generally recommended to do it for 3 weeks to six months.

Learn To Be Okay with Loving Your Ex:

I have said it above a few times that it’s completely normal to love your ex after a breakup. Almost everyone goes through it.

Having love in your heart for someone shouldn’t really be an issue, right?

It’s the anxiety, sadness, pain, or obsession that comes with the love, that is the issue. You feel these feelings when you are scared of losing your ex to someone else, when you remember how great your ex was for you, when you keep thinking about your ex all the time, or when you feel that you will never find someone like your ex again.

Those are probably the things bothering you.

So don’t try to stop loving your ex. Let the love be there. Love is probably not the reason you are feeling the anxiety, sadness and all those negative emotions. It’s the breakup grief that’s causing this. And as time goes by and you follow the advice in the rest of this article, those feelings will start fading away.

Process Your Desire to Be Back with Your Ex:

When you say, “I still love my ex”, your brain may automatically start thinking about ways to get them back.

So, if you feel you need to get your ex back, process that feeling. Don’t try to suppress it because everyone and their mother is repeating the same old phrase “A breakup is a breakup for a reason”, or “you should never go back to an ex”.

The fact is, almost every situation is unique and sometimes getting back together works out for people. In our study, we found that 15% of people who wanted to get back with their ex were able to get back together and stay together in a healthy relationship. Most of them fixed the issues that lead to the breakup and found their new relationship to be better.

So, if you still love your ex and you feel it’s worth trying with them again, you may want to reach out to them and talk about getting back together. However, before you reach out to your ex, it’s important that you process the breakup, analyze what happened and make sure that getting back together is a healthy decision for you.

Remember how we discussed the difference between loving your ex and being addicted to your ex?

You need to make sure that you actually love your ex, and you are not acting out of desperation or neediness before you speak to them about getting back together.

We have some excellent resources on this website on getting an ex back, check them out below:

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Has Moved On To Another Girlfriend

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back If She Has a New Boyfriend

Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

Will My Ex Come Back Quiz (Very Accurate)

Allow Yourself to Grieve:

Grief is natural after a breakup. After all, you lost something precious to you. A relationship. And you are going to grieve its loss.

Breakup Grief has around five to seven stages that you are probably going to go through. These stages are shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Different experts have different views on these stages but almost every one agrees that they may occur in no particular order.

The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve. When you feel sad, allow yourself to feel the sadness. When you feel like crying, go ahead and cry for a while. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. Don’t run away from your feelings. Feel them, think about why you are feeling them and process them.

It’s also important to make sure you don’t get overwhelmed by these feelings. If it feels overwhelming, back off for a while and indulge in healthy self-care activities. Maybe distract yourself. But don’t indulge in addictive or unhealthy behavior as a means of escape.

Avoid Unhealthy Escapism:

There’s a difference between distracting yourself from the breakup pain and running away from it.

You distract yourself because you don’t want to think about it right now, but you know you will have to face it sooner or later. But when you are trying to escape from it, you are so scared of facing the breakup grief, that you never want to feel it.

When you are distracting yourself (without being afraid of the breakup grief), you are still processing the breakup. You are still healing. You may not be able to explain how. But your body, your brain and your soul is working on healing you. Your heal. Slowly, but surely.

But if you are scared of facing the breakup grief, your body and soul will not heal the same way. You will just keep running away from it even in the depths of your psyche. And you will keep trying to find new ways to escape from the breakup pain.

Don’t be scared of the pain that comes after a breakup. Billions of people have gone through the pain and come out the other end stronger than before. That’s just human nature. If it feels overwhelming, get help. Face it with someone by your side. But don’t run away from it. Because it’s never gonna stop chasing you.

Focus on Self-Improvement:

Self-Improvement or self-growth after a breakup is a strong force of transformation and revitalization. It gives you something to channel the pain and the energy into.

A lot of people; after channeling the pain and energy into self-improvement/personal growth; find themselves again, become more confident, become stronger, become healthier physically, become healthier emotionally, become more empathetic, become better at communication, understand themselves, accept themselves and ultimately become a better version of themselves.

They do it because the breakup pain is a strong motivator. A strong motivator to not make the same mistakes again. To not go through the same pain again.

After a breakup, all the things that you didn’t have enough motivation for before, suddenly start feeling doable.

Suddenly, going to the gym at 5 in the morning doesn’t feel like a chore because it’s better than sitting at home and remembering how you and your ex used to love having breakfast together.

Suddenly, therapy doesn’t feel so scary because it’s better than sitting at home and bawling your eyes out with no one to talk to.

Suddenly, exploring the parts of your psyche that you ignored all along feels worth it because deep down you know those parts may be the very reason you are in this pain.

Suddenly, quitting alcohol or drugs doesn’t seem impossible because a part of you knows that it contributed to you pushing your loved ones away.

Suddenly, you want to make every effort possible to become a better person because you don’t want your next relationship to fail the same way this one failed.

And as you go through the journey of personal growth, you are taking the pain you feel because you love your ex and putting it into the love for yourself. You transform the love for your ex, the breakup pain, into something positive. You transform it into a better version of yourself.

Find Something Else To Love:

Another great strategy that helps a lot of people move on is the act of loving something else. Finding something or someone to direct that love and admiration you feel for your ex.

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t find a romantic partner for this. (Cause that will be a rebound relationship and is probably not the best idea).

Instead, look for an activity, a cause, a person who needs your help, or just a hobby that you truly feel love for. Something you can be grateful for. Something that brings you joy.

For some of my clients, it was their love for fitness. For others, it was the peace they felt in spirituality. Some found their love for God to be the force that helped them heal from the breakup. While others found that spending time with in-need kids gave them a purpose that helped them cope and heal.

Take some time to think about what you care about. And then figure out how you can spend more time with the things you care about.

Spend Time Socializing:

When you are alone, you can’t really stop yourself from thinking constantly about your ex. And no matter what you do, a part of you will always notice the undeniable fact – that you don’t have the one you love with you.

And a simple and effective way around it is to spend time with your friends and family. You know, the people who also love you but have not left you broken hearted. The people who care about you and want you to be happy and healthy. Yeah, spend time with them. And your broken heart will start noticing that you still have people you love around you. And that you are not abandoned by them.

Sure, it doesn’t compare to romantic love. Sure your friends and family cannot be there for you 24/7. But it’s a close second. They won’t be there in the morning but they will gladly have lunch with you when they can. They may not be there when you come home after work, but they will gladly go out shopping with you on the weekend.

Eventually, you will start feeling okay with the fact that your ex is not there with you because you will still get some dose of love and caring that humans need.

Although, if you are at a stage in life where you don’t have friends or family around, take solace in knowing that there are probably others like you. And with how connected the world is right now, you can probably find people to hang out with and make new friends. A great way to do so is to find support groups in your area you can join.

Start Dating Again When You Are Ready:

Ultimately, when you start loving someone else is when you truly stop loving your ex. But it doesn’t really happen as soon as most people want. You can’t really force it. For some people it takes years before they are ready to give their love to someone else. For others, they move on from their ex within weeks and are ready to start falling in love again.

In my experience, it’s always better to spend some time being single after a bad breakup. Like I said before, breakup pain can be a force of self-discovery and growth. And that self-discovery and growth can lead you to better, healthier relationships.

So, you should start dating again, but only once you feel you are no longer desperately in love with your ex. Only when you feel you have learned something from the breakup.

How Long Does It Take to Stop Loving Your Ex After a Breakup?

It takes a while. For most people, the love for their ex starts fading away after a month of the breakup. This is, assuming that you have reduced or eliminated contact with your ex and you are actively doing self-care and self-improvement activities.

In our study, we found that most people who moved on from their ex did so within three months to one year. So, you can expect significant improvement in your post breakup journey after three months.

I Still Love My Ex After Years Apart. What should I Do?

For some people, it’s normal to still love their ex after a year (or more) after the breakup. It means that you either need more time, you have some unresolved feelings or that a part of you will always love your ex.

In our study, we found that a small percentage of people took more than a year to move on from their ex. And some of them still continue to love their ex. But the good news is that even though they still loved their ex, most of them still felt satisfied in their life.

If you are sure that you and your ex had something special, then you may want to reach out to them and talk about getting back together.

One of our readers, Leona, spoke to her ex after more than a year apart and talked about the things that broke them apart. They both ended up getting back with each other and they are happier than ever.

But that’s not always the case, one of my clients was in love with her ex for more than a year but she barely spoke to him about her feelings. She stayed in touch with him on/off but always tried to keep it casual and light-hearted. She thought if she started talking about the breakup or getting back together, she will push him away and would lose her chances of getting him back.

Eventually, I convinced her to speak to her ex about how she feels. Because, in my opinion, it was better than waiting for her ex to make a move. Being honest about how you feel is a good move if you are not doing it out of desperation.

When she spoke to her ex honestly about how she felt, she realized that her ex was exactly the same person as he was when they broke up. “It’s been a year but he still hasn’t grown a bit”, she said. He still blamed her for everything that went wrong. And he still didn’t take any responsibility for the way he acted.

The conversation was painful for her. But unlike the initial breakup, that made her feel sad and cry a lot, this time she was angry. She was angry at herself for not seeing the true nature of her ex earlier. For wasting so much time waiting for someone to realize the error of his ways.

If you ask me, her anger was a good thing. Anger can be very good when it helps you understand how you were wronged, make you set boundaries and drive you to take the right path in your life.

This is exactly what she did.

She decided to cut her ex off completely and move on. Funny thing is, he eventually contacted her and wanted to talk about getting back together. But it was a day late and a dollar short. She had already moved on from him and was in a happy healthy relationship.

Moral of the story – if you still love your ex and find it hard to move on, consider reaching out to them. You may get back together, or you may realize you love a version of your ex that doesn’t really exist.

Here are a few resources to help you with that:

What To Do After No Contact To Get Your Ex Back – 5 Essential Steps

How To Get Your Ex Back After a Year or More Apart

How To Get Back Together With Your Ex Using Respect, Honesty and Communication

Will My Ex Come Back Quiz (Very Accurate)

I am in a new relationship, but I Still love my ex. Is this normal?

If you are in a new relationship and still love your ex, then you may be in a rebound relationship. Some people start a new relationship too soon thinking it will help fill the void left by the old relationship. But we can’t really let go of on ex or a past relationship unless we process what happened.

If you feel you are in a rebound relationship, then you should consider speaking to your partner about it honestly and openly. You may need to take some time alone to heal from your previous breakup before you can fully commit.

Recommended Reading: Rebound Relationships – Signs, Common Patterns and What To Do

Should I Tell My Ex That I Still Love Them?

It’s okay to tell your ex you love them if it’s been a while since the breakup and you both have processed the breakup and have healed considerably.

But even then, you should only say it in a way that doesn’t put any pressure on them to say it back. Don’t do it out of desperation or neediness. Don’t do it because you are addicted to your ex. Do it if you truly love them as a human being.

A good way to think about it is if you want your ex to say it back to you or come back, then you shouldn’t do it. When you tell them you love them, it should just be you expressing your feelings without any expectations.

But the fact is, most people who want to declare their love for their ex want to do it out of desperation and a fear of losing their ex. If that’s you, you should not tell your ex that you love them.

Instead, you should focus on self-improvement and self-care activities. You should focus on healing from the breakup and becoming a better version of yourself. If, after doing no contact for a few months, you still feel like you love your ex, then it’s okay to reach out to them and eventually tell them how you feel. More on that below.

How To Tell Your Ex You Still Love Them?

If you want to tell your ex you love them so that you both may have a chance at getting back together, then you should only say it after you and your ex have spent some time talking and rebuilding the trust and connection that was broken.

The best time to tell them you love them is when you both already know that getting back together is on the table and is a very real possibility. It goes something like this.

Breakup >>> Give Each Other Some Space and Time >>> Self-Growth, Self-Improvement, Healing From The Breakup >>> Reconnect and Talk Things Out >>> If there is mutual attraction and connection, tell them you still love them.

There are exceptions to this though. Sometimes, it’s okay to tell your ex you love them if you just want them to know how you feel about them as a person.

For example, saying something like “I will always love you because you are a wonderful human being.” is okay because you are just expressing how you feel about them as a person and not really putting pressure on them to say it back.

Recommended Reading – How To Tell Your Ex You Miss Them

Should I Text My Ex to See How They Are?

Asking your ex how they are can feel like a harmless thing to do, but in most cases, it’s a thinly veiled attempt to stay in touch with your ex. In other words, it’s an attempt to get a dose of your ex to make you feel like you still have them in your life. Or in other words (yet again), it’s an attempt to avoid accepting the breakup and feeling the pain that comes with it.

So unless it’s a real emergency and you have reasons to believe that your ex is not okay, you should avoid texting them. There are certain scenarios where it’s okay to text your ex, but in most cases, it’s best to avoid texting them.

Read more – Should I Text My Ex? – All The Situations Explained

Does My Ex Also Love Me?

If you and your ex had a meaningful relationship, then there is a good chance they will still have feelings for you after the breakup. But how long those feelings last will depend on a lot of factors.

If it has been more than six months of the breakup, then it’s safe to assume that your ex doesn’t love you the same way they loved you during the relationship. They may still have some remnant feelings for you, but they aren’t strong enough to mean anything.

You can also look for signs that mean your ex still love you. These signs include things like your ex contacting you frequently, trying to make you jealous, hot and cold behavior from ex, and things getting progressively better with them.

But ultimately, it’s healthier to focus on your feelings than try to figure out how your ex feels.

If you still love your ex and want to move on, then focus on self-care and self-improvement activities to help you move on.

If you still love your ex and want them back, then still focus on self-care and self-improvement activities, but reach out to them after a month or two to see where they stand.

Recommended Reading: 8 Sneaky Signs Your Ex Still Loves You

My Ex Is In a New Relationship And I Still Love Them. What Should I Do?

It can be really painful to think about your ex in a new relationship when you are still desperately in love with them.

And a lot of people find it hard to stop thinking about their ex when they find out about their new relationship.

Sometimes, finding out that they have moved on to a new relationship is as painful as the breakup. Because an ex moving on feels like a final nail in the coffin of the relationship you loved so much.

But take solace in knowing that a lot of times, exes end up in rebound relationships and those relationships end sooner or later.

If you still want your ex back, it can get tricky if they are in a new relationship. But the same principles still apply to your situation. You should still focus on self-care, self-improvement, and spending time with your loved ones.

In most cases, you will find that you are over your ex once you apply these principles and it won’t matter to you that they’ve moved on. But if you still want them back, you can reach out to them and see where they stand.

A lot of my clients were able to get their ex back even after they had moved on to a new relationship.

Recommended Reading – I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex – Strategies To Stop

Recommended Reading: How To Get Your Ex Back From Another Girlfriend

Recommended Reading: How To Get Your Ex Back From a New Boyfriend

Recommended Reading: Rebound Relationships: Signs, Common Patterns and What To Do

How To Make Your Ex Love You Again?

You can’t really make them love you again if they don’t love you and want nothing to do with you. You can, however, help the love they have for you resurface and show them hope that the issues that lead to the breakup can be fixed.

In most cases, it’s possible to help the love your ex has for you resurface. It’s possible to make them see the side of you they were attracted to and let go of the negativity of the breakup.

The process is similar to the process of getting an ex back. It includes:

  1. Stop Acting Needy and Desperate.
  2. Start Doing No Contact
  3. Focus on Self-Improvement, Self-Care and Healing From The Breakup
  4. Talk To Your Ex Once They Reach Out. Or Reach Out To Them When You Are Ready
  5. Talk About Getting Back Together

We have a lot of resources on how to get an ex back in a healthy relationship. Check them out below.

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

How To Talk About Getting Back Together

Find Out Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back [Recommended Quiz]

If me and my ex love each other, should we get back together?

It makes sense to get back together if you both still love each other, and you both feel that the issues that drove you both apart can be fixed. But a lot of people fool themselves into thinking that they still love each other when they are just addicted to each other. And the issues that lead to the breakup are often unfixable.

That being said, a lot of couples do end up getting back together in a healthy and loving relationship. It takes work and patience but those who succeed swear by how great their new rekindled relationship is. Check out these resources to help you figure out if you should get back together and how.

Recommended Reading: Should I Get Back With My Ex? – 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

Recommended Reading: How To Get Back Together With Your Ex Using Communication, Honesty and Respect

Recommended Reading: When & Why Getting Back With an Ex Doesn’t Work (And When It Does)

Recommended Quiz: Find Out Your Chances Of Getting Back Together [Surprisingly Accurate]

About Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson is a breakup expert and coach with more than 11 years of experience of helping people recover from a breakup and get back in a healthy relationship.

Read Full Profile.

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3 comments ...add one
  • Arianna

    My ex and I dated for seven months. I was his first time and his first girlfriend, he wasn't my first time but he was my boyfriend. He broke because in the last two weeks he stopped loving me.
    He told me when he looks at me he isn't in love anymore and feels like I'm a past thing. We had sex the day of our break up and he said during sex "Please stay" and kissed me. After half an hour he broke up again.
    The day after breaking up he called me over and again said this but told me he doesn't love me anymore and only misses as a person to have around but thinks about me every second.
    We texted everyday sometimes him sometimes me. He said he did the right thing but won't go out with other women.
    I'm going no contact now.

    Yesterday he started following a girl and changed his profile picture in a more attractive one.

    I'm heartbroken. Can feelings come back?
    Should I block him on Instagram? I think it's good he sees me in pretty outfits and going out so he misses me.

  • Alex

    Hi Ex Back Permanently,

    Great article, so I broke up with my EX c. 1 year ago , she bit me after an argument and apologised, I still loved her but she hurt me and I allowed space for 6 weeks and even went to get my stuff from her and she dressed up to see me and I even kissed her but she refused to let me come inside to see her, she was testing I think, I then stupidly (was going on dates to help with the sting of the breakup) decided to send a walk away “end it message”: basically saying “I’m moving on, your behaviour is intolerable, you should see a therapist, I’m dating other girls, see you” when I didn’t mean it, don’t know why I sent it then she said “this is the last message from me, goodbye” then blocked me everywhere, even on LinkedIn. I think I’m blocked on WhatsApp and text but tbh, I’m not sure. I’ve been thinking everyday for the last year to reach out to her and cry often, I even tried to make her jealous 1-2 months after she blocked me by taking two dating to s bar past where she lived and walked past her (which I deeply regret as petty) she smiled and tried to say hi to me, but I was so confused/hurt/love her/thought I was doing the right thing, I think angry that she also towards the end downloaded the app/1 month before the bite and started dating others and we saw each other more friends with benefits, she would see me then say I can’t see you again and block me then unblock me when she wanted to see me, the day she bit me I did shout at her for making me wait outside for her and I shouldn’t have done that. I currently, despite still loving her have a new girlfriend which has been quite toxic and I do hope and long to have my EX girlfriend back.

    I have spoke to another coach/develop attraction YouTube channel who advises no contact forever until she reaches out but should I try to message her despite her blocking me? My brother says send it: apologise for the message then arrange to meet-up to test the water. Also I have seen and my brother has also, seen her walking around with a new guy (who might be her ex before me who she was with for 3 years), or it might be s new guy rebound, I am very confident (without telling her) that I am the best that she will ever find. Shall I send the message.

    God is telling me to send her s message and I often dream/sleep at night, even with my new girlfriend thinking/crying about my EX girlfriend. I miss her so much and still love her.

    Shall I send the message and break up with my current girlfriend who I am blasse about?

    Or focus on myself and just move on, but for some reason I can’t, I feel she still loves me and we shared a really good connection and I felt we worked well together. Also backstory she downloaded the dating app 1-2 months before she bit me as she saw me with porn on my phone when I did a phone diwnaload of naked girls in between photos of me and my ex on holiday and also in between photos of me and my ex and her parents (whom. I also went on holiday with), I felt ashamed and silly for having them but she cried for hours saying she and my parents took me seriously and she loved me then says she wanted to marry me. That’s why I feel ashamed even more, as I wanted to marry her too..

    Please help me. I seriously don’t know what to do or say. Send her a message, or move on. It’s been a year but I still love her.


    • Kevin Thompson

      Hi Alex,

      Thank you for commenting. I strongly recommend that you first break up the toxic relationship you have with your current girlfriend. Wait a few weeks and then if you still feel like you love your ex, then reach out to her.

      There is no point in waiting for her to reach out to you first. If you love her, you should make an attempt to speak to her. Even if it doesn't work, it will at least help you realize that there is no hope in getting her back and it will help you move on.

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