If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do.

In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back or get your ex girlfriend back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if  my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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roy
roy

Can a married couple, husband or wife get a second married if and when no contact has been made for a number of years, say 5 years?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll probably have to win her heart all over, and the chances of getting her back is dependent on how she responds to that.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Hi Everyone, I need a bit of insight with this situation. I have been in an off-again/on-again kind of relationship with my ex for the last year. Prior to this, we did not speak for over a year. Prior to that we were exclusive for 1yr. In between that we remained emotionally connected, and neither of us ever dated anyone properly.

Long story short, after a year apart, I somehow ended up in a situation where we were together without the title (FWB). We would go on elaborate expensive dates, 2-3 night trips, and talk all day long. The moment we would get close to getting back together, he backed off saying he doesnt know, and would throw in my face we are just sex friends. He even professed his love for me staying he wants to get back together but then changed his mind 3 weeks later. Eventually I got fed up and told him we want different things, and I’m not interested in speaking to him if he is not interested in being exclusive. I have implimented the no contact rule for a whopping 45days now, and it’s been completely fine. I went on 3 dates with 3 different men who absolutely adored me (realizing I’m perfectly fine how I am). I worked out like crazy (lost 8lbs!), I planned a few trips (exciting), and threw myself into work (possibly getting a promotion). He has not reached out neither have I.

As I am doing this, went through periods where I didnt want him but then I did…but I know we share something and I’d be open to trying again. I usually cave in and end up contacting him every time I call it quits (I usually say I’m done and we begin to msg after 3 weeks), and I know he knows he has me where he wants me (my own fault for doing this), so this time, I spent the time on myself, and understood the root cause of his non committal was due to my extreme neediness when we are apart, freaking out over him possibly being with someone else, and overall, he just doesn’t trust my behavior as he thinks I’m a drama queen. We both agree that together in person is nothing short of amazing.

I know there is a way of winning him back and starting brand new fresh all over again, but I’m missing a link 🙁 I’d be extremely appreciative if you could help me 😊 thank you in advance!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would say that this current NC period would be a test of how important he thinks you are, because in all the previous scenarios, you’ve always been the one caving and coming back to him so he probably thinks it would be the same again this time around. He’s probably also started to take you for granted and hence developed a low tolerance towards you (calling you a drama queen and not trusting you). If he genuinely values you, this gap would make him realize how important you actually are, and he may even reach out over time. However, if he doesn’t, you might want to consider the possibility of moving on instead of getting back together and playing right back into his arms again.

julia
julia

so i started talking to this guy and we were best friends at start. we had deep conversations together, we were super close we told each other about our pasts and i gained feelings for him. by the time i told him he had another girl, and he told me it would always be me so he stopped contacting the girl. we started talking and we got into an argument over me texting that girl back because she had texted me asking about him. and everytime we would get into an argument he would follow the girl on all social medias all over again. mind you we have never met in person. so he was throwing tantrums over how he wants me to always be with him and lose all contacts with every guy because he lost all contacts with girls. and so i met him we were at his house, stuff happened there, and he promised he would never leave me. he swore on everyone he loved. and that night when i got home he broke up with me because of “loss of connection” and because i was “moving funny.” the next day he got with the girl and now they are dating and our “relationship” did not even last a month, and im torn over this guy, i feel like my heart is physically being ripped out of my chest and that my whole life is falling apart and i have no clue what to do now

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be that he was simply messing around with you and never had serious intentions of getting together based on what you’ve said. You might want to consider moving on and not wasting your time, especially if he could simply lose feelings for you overnight and gives you a reason that you were moving funny.

Michael Dell
Michael Dell

Hi Ryan. My question is simple. I was in a 7 years old relation,she broke up with me basically because i took her for granted, and we didnt travel or went out that much. So, i started no contact today, we lived together for the last year and yesterday i went to her place to pick up some of the stuff i still had there, and i Just talked the essential with her. but her birthday is tomorrow. Should i text her saying happy birthday, or (since im in no contact time) should i say nothing to her? Thanku

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could wish her if you genuinely feel inclined to do so, but honestly, it wouldn’t exactly make much of a difference whether you do or not because she’s not going to hate you just if you didn’t wish her, and neither is she going to get back with you just because you did.

jantan
jantan

After 7 solid years of relationship, my bf cheated on me with his colleague, in the starting he used to lie to me and said that they are just friends but they were not and that girl too left her bf of 9 years for him. Somehow during our fights and his lies and on/off relationship between us, the girl got close to him and he also has entertained her feelings and never left any chance to be with her. During all this, he always has chased me saying he still wants me and he cannot even hurt her feelings too as she left her bf for him. Now its been a year, he has been behaving weird and he doesn’t wants me to move on with my life, one day or the other he follows me and makes sure that I talk to him and wants me to be available for him, whenever he needs me. During all this, he has started drinking more and never listens to me and shows very hot/cold behavior and clearly says he has commitment issues. Now recently, he confessed me that he is confused between the two of us to which I said him to choose her over me and left the place. Since then I am in NO CONTACT with him.

What should I do? I really want the things to be normal as before?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may not go back to normal, especially not in the immediate future. You’ve been together for 7 years, and usually the passion/spark is lost after being together for awhile which may cause a party in the relationship to develop feelings for someone else because it’s an ‘exciting and novel’ experience from what they are normally used to. However, sometimes all they really need to see is the value that they’ve taken for granted all this while to miss you and want a second chance, especially if the relationship was a meaningful one.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Hey, i have been doing no contact for 1,5 weeks now. My ex and I were together for 2 years and we both decided to break up. I have never made a worse decision than that. 1,5 weeks in no contact she texts me that things are over and that she doesn’t want me back, BUT that we might become friends in the future. I ignored that text because I feel that 30 days no contact is important. But now she sent me another message saying: “you can’t ignore this all the time”. I know she is very angry right now and that she might even hate me (without a reason imo because i have always respected her in every way). She is tweeting bad things about me… So i’m a bit confused right now…

Should I answer her text saying: Hey, just want to let you know that i need some time to process the break up. I’m doing well already, but I need more time. i hope you understand.
OR should I try to ignore her for 30 days?

I know that she still loves me, because I was her first real lover and the only boy that respected her in every way and showed her the love she deserved. I don’t want to f*** it up now….but it hurts a lot seeing that she hates me and that she is saying bad things 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could let her know that you require time to process whatever that has happened and you aren’t ready to face her yet. Don’t completely ignore her especially if it would lead to her hating you.

Michael Scarn
Michael Scarn

We’d been dating for about a month-and-a-half, had our best date ever last Friday, and I was supposed to make dinner Saturday night. Out of nowhere, she texted that she just not emotionally ready for this yet (she’s going through a rough divorce), gave me a bunch of compliments, apologizes, but said she needs to put on the brakes. Great connection, literally never a cross word said to each other. We talked for awhile on the phone Sunday. I told her I was surprised and a bit hurt but accepted. She apologized for hurting me, and I said I know she’s in a difficult place and forgive her. I texted her later with a pic from dinner with my kids (wanted to show i really was smiling and ok), and she texted me a pic of her out with her kids and said my pic was adorable with heart emoji.

I haven’t responded yet (and, that exchange was sort of a self-contained conversation, not necessarily requiring response). I figure that, if this is too much for her emotionally right now, I should give her space and time. I’m bummed – didn’t realize until Saturday just how much I liked her – but since we’ve literally never had a negative conversation, I believe her and frankly would be fine waiting for her. It’s a pretty unique connection, and I’ve been online dating long enough to know I’m unlikely to happen upon someone as great, so why not give her time/space and do no-contact. But now, I’m wondering if I’m handling it correctly. On one hand, she dumped me. On the other, I wonder if I might be pushing her away too hard with no-contact given that she’s still very warm to me and we’re on such good terms. I’m thinking no-contact can’t hurt, she’ll probably reach out before long once she misses the connection, so why not increase the value of my presence by being more scarce. I’d love an expert’s opinion, here.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Different people would respond differently to no contact depending on how they feel towards the one doing it. If she genuinely felt something for you but is simply dealing with a difficult time, giving her space would be a good idea as she would probably contact you eventually. By remaining in contact with her, you become susceptible to acts of neediness and desperation, especially if she is hot and cold towards you, and all your emotions become amplified which would only push her away.

Michael Scarn
Michael Scarn

Thank you very much for this. I took your advice and maintained no contact. As you predicted, on day 12, she texted me. Going to proceed very slowly and dispassionately so as not to get friend-zoned.

Sheldon
Sheldon

I broke up with my gf of 18 months about four months ago, but we still texted occasionally although we still haven’t each other in person. She texted me drunk one night saying she misses me, I happened to also be drunk and we talked on the phone about good times and what went wrong with us. She texted me for a couple days and things seemed to be trending in the right direction for us, until suddenly she revealed she was now with another guy, days after telling me she still loved me over the phone. This was devastating and I became a panicked mess and made a lot of the mistakes mentioned on the site, but got ahold of myself and began no-contact. After about two weeks, during which i was doing quite well, she texted me, and with my luck I was drunk again! This time she told me she ended things with her rebound and said some other things, and my friends were pleading with me not to reply but I gave in. We texted for a couple days and then she asks “what are we doing” and starts telling me how much she still misses me and has been thinking about reconciliation but needs a few days to think it over. She could definitely sense my neediness and after texting for a couple days she tells me she “what we had is now in the past” and can’t bring herself to reconcile, although she said “who knows, maybe our paths will cross again one day.” I became a needy wreck again and made the same mistakes I made initially! However, I am now a week into no-contact but i’m worried that my oppurtunity is now gone. Should i wait the standard 30 days or should i not even try again after blowing it the first time? Thanks 🙂

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could always try the 30 days, and use this time to focus on yourself and making positive changes. After the NC period, you could try to give it one last shot and if it doesn’t work out in your favor again, then consider moving on knowing you gave it your best shot.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Considering that this has happened several times and that she’s moved to another city, attempting to win her back may prove to be challenging. She also seems to want to move on from everything regarding the past for some reason and this would add to her resistance if you try to contact her. You could attempt NC once more, and see if she contacts you during this period. If she doesn’t, you could contact her once more as a last attempt to try and win her back but do consider the idea of moving on, especially if she ends up dating someone else or responds negatively to you.

Gilda
Gilda

So my girlfriend of 3 yrs on/off breaks up with me back in April during a text exchange, caught me by surprise. Her reasoning was she needs time to grow and be to herself and hang with friends. I initially was upset because she blindsided me to a degree because we were together the weekend before. Of course she we could be friends cause we have fun together. So agree to give her space and time . So I was pretty emotional after that so I get an impulse to text her 3 weeks after to ask if we could talk . She says ‘we can even though she doesn’t have much to say but when she gets back in town. ‘ So I was fine with that so I hit her the day she was suppose to get back to ask what the best time was to call? Then she ask if I was try to get her back and I put yes/no because I wanted to explain not through text though. So we didn’t talk and I sent her an audio message of how I felt, she tells me its too much to process right now and she is still out of town. So I responded with I understand it’s alot and please contact with me at her convience that was the end of April. I waited a couple days sent her a short text about starting over but not immediately of course this was May 2nd . She responded with I can’t be overwhelmed right now and she still needs time and for me to relax. So I haven’t said anything since then but I want to contact her via text now since its been a little over a month but I don’t want to teyher about getting back together just to open a line of communication. What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since it has been a month, you could try contacting her again to see how she responds. Keep things casual this time and definitely avoid pouring your heart out and overwhelming her again. She may be defensive and wary at the start, so you probably have to ease into things and keep the conversation light and casual.

Gilda
Gilda

So contacted casually to ask her about a place we had gone. She responded with the name of the place. Asked if I was taking someone there… I told her no just want to go again. She responded with cool enjoy. I asked how’s everything? She responded with figuring out life and trying to come out of a bad place. So I responded with I get you and everything is cool with me mostly and for her to not to be a stranger. She said ok and that was the end of the conversation.

Mary Meje
Mary Meje

HI. I have had a relation with my man for 4 years. First long distance. Since august we lived together. He has a temper. Strong feelings – passion, love, happy, angry etc. So several times he said its over. And it last for 1-3 days. Once 3 weeks.
We both have been jealous and fear of commit and trust the big love we have/had. we both started new companies and are struggling to make it work.
6 weeks ago I did not follow what he told me to do and in the end he kicked me out of the house. He is angry still. He say -I dont listen. I flirt with others. I must become independant etc. (HE is the one who constantly has been flirting with others as soon as I am not around. )
He divorced after 25 y of marriage 6 years ago. And it ended in a bad way and his kids has not wanted to have much contact with him. So he is in unbalance for this plus fear of money and work.
I see things I have to work on also.
I have tried to be in no contact but he has been writing to me every day. And when I try to answer calm he attacks with anger still. First it was about money – that he payed for most. Now its about jealousy – he is jealous about one of my clients.
I still have a huge love for him and want us to come back together in a good way.
I know he is on a trip now for 1 month.
How can I make him stop being so angry? And reconsider coming back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Honestly, the best way to get him to lose his anger he has for you right now is to distance yourself from him. As much as you want him back, this immediate sense of familiarity makes him miss you whenever he goes without talking to you but becomes impatient and angry at the same time. You’ll have to break this chain if you want to win him back AND have him treat you with greater respect/less anger.

John
John

Can i post on my insta story or facebook that i am having fun in another country? I already did cause i want her to know i am not crying over it

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s definitely good to show that you’re not struggling and moping about the breakup, because it might make you come across as weak and it may even cause her to lose respect or whatever remaining feelings she may still have had.

Liv
Liv

Hello,
I followed the NC rule and finally got to the end and text my ex.
I decided to talk about my work as when we broke up it was because we both had a stessful time in work. I was supposed to go to a conference I had worked hard for, but something happened and I couldn’t go. So I used this as a “guess what happened to me” situation. He did reply asking what happened and after I said he replied a second time asking me a question about it. But from my second reply to his question, he has not replied again. I did ask him how he was and how his work was to try and get the conversation onto him, but I dont know what to do now? Please could you help. I understand baby steps are good and he is not going to come running, but I dont know if I should use the elephant in the room text next, or continue to ask how is is etc. every now and then?
thank you for your help, and this page. It has helped me so much.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should continue to build up upon the friendship a little more first, and make sure he is slightly more comfortable with texting you before dropping the elephant in the room text. As you’ve said, baby steps are good as long as they generally head in the right direction.

Marie
Marie

Story goes: Boy breaks up with me. Forced to think through. No contact during two weeks. Talked again..Hostility. So decided to go back no contact, after two weeks: decided to tell him that I want a break up. He became hostile so I went no contact and he kept sending me random messages about how I do not understand relationships etc. Now, he asked to meet up for closure…still going on with no contact (as if I dropped off the face of the planet). Is this the right thing to do? My motivation is that the no contact will force him to rethink his bad and rude behaviour. All is all, I’ve not seen him in 1week shy of two months.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps if he is continuously texting you to find fault and remain hostile, you might want to add to him that you are unappreciative of his actions and attitude towards you before you continue on with no contact or he may not even start reflecting and might continue to simply find fault with you.

Sharada
Sharada

Hi, my story if little different. The guy whom I was in relationship was actually in relationship with other girl for 3yrs together and 3yrs long distance relationship. Now she saway from her, he loved me n pretty much confused as to whom to choose. I have been with him since 3months together. V work in same sector. V see each other’s face daily.recently he chose her over me only for the reason that they stayed together for 6yrs. I m extremely heart broken. Does this no contact rule applies to me?? Wat if I start it and at the other end he is in continuously in contact with the other girl. How do I proceed?? Please help me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Given the circumstances, the memories and time he’s spent together with the other person was much longer than he spent with you, its natural that he ended up choosing her because there was more to ‘lose’. NC might work depending on how their relationship is, but you might want to consider moving on instead because there’s no guarantee on how long they will remain together for and whether they would even break up eventually or not.

Roman
Roman

Hi there, sorry for the length, but I haven’t really seen anything addressing this kind of thing as of yet so I want to give all the details So my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me about 5 days ago. The breakup wasnt terrible overall, she actually broke down crying a long time before I cried. She said she was stressed and needed to find herself and have time to be more independent (which I in part agreed with, she had an extremely stressful first year in college and also in the past hasn’t shown much interest in many things, and as a result her parents tended to pressure her to do a ton too, I can only imagine how much pressure she felt with her life in general). She is home for a week now, and I asked why don’t we just take a break over the weekend or so so she can think before she even considers a breakup and then we talk things over, but she still wanted a breakup so it happened. It was weird though, I’ve had breakups before that didn’t leave me feeling this way, but here I felt like there wasn’t any real closure. She said I love you once when I said it to her before the conversation ended, I thought it was strange for a breakup so I said it again and she says it back too and kisses me. Very confusing. She didn’t tell me what I did wrong, but I have been meditating on it and actually even knew in the moment the problems were both of us texting too much overall, and also I tended to sound controlling with some of the things I said and didn’t keep my inner opinion out of things as much as I should have. I had known this before and wanted to talk to her about how I can improve over this week actually, but she broke up with me before I even got to that. So be it, I’ve been working on improving those with my family and friends over the past few days. As of now I feel I have accepted the breakup and whatever may be the final outcome whether we get back or not, and I feel a sense of calm. I guess you could say I feel over it, but I still of course would like to see if it still might work, because I got that strange feeling that it might still work out that day (probably why I could get over it easy). But now I’m confused. I started NC the instant we finished the breakup, knowing she genuinely needed space. What… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the exchange in messages remains friendly and cheerful, you could try to arrange meeting with her once before she leaves, but be mentally prepared as well that it would not get instantly fixed in that moment so you would probably have to progress into the period she is away while still trying to fix things. If that may potentially cause more stress than it would to help the situation, I suggest actually waiting until she comes back to give it a shot, but perhaps continue to maintain a positive relationship with her (once you give both parties some space during NC).

Aaditi
Aaditi

Hi Ryan,
I have been in this relationship for more than a year now, which first started in as casual flirting turned into a serious relationship.So after being serious we started disliking each other trying to make contact with the opposite gender .As we knew how we both were into casual flirting .I started being overly possessive be it him chatting and joking with any girl on social media or in real life would drive me nuts .It went so far that I told him to unfollow and unfriend certain girls and deactivate his page which he was a admin of . This argument did not end well I acted crazy crying begging him to do this that for me . Maybe I was wrong I overeacted on casual things and did not understand him . What do you think is the solution to mend our relationship ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

First give each other space since the relationship did not end on a positive note, and work on your emotions and insecurities to prevent a relapse of you overreacting to little things because of jealousy. This would apply to future relationships as well, even if not with him that the same issue may arise unless you gain more self-confidence and assurance.

Jordan
Jordan

My ex broke up with me 18 days ago after 3 years of dating… he had been harboring resentment over seemingly little things ( me not recognizing when he needed help with money)…. he said he was sorry for not communicating more and that I deserved someone better (it came out of the blue)… we both sobbed and I asked him to leave…. it’s been 18 days no contact and I still have a lot of his belongings, he told me to use his HULU and Amazon prime if I wanted, I’m close with his sister (we hangout and work together) and he didn’t say to stop seeing her…… we made committments to one another, were each other’s first, even lived together for two years before moving back with our parents to save money… I’m feeling very hopeless… I was feeling confident, have even been on some dates, lost weight, got tan, picked up tennis again and made some new old friends… but my heart is breaking anytime his sister talks about him… I want to tell him about my day and I want to talk to him and understand the real reasons behind the breakup, because it just seemed so sudden…. I feel like he doesn’t care about me, that he just used me for everything I had then left….. he hasn’t contacted me, and I haven’t contacted him in 18 days….. do you have any advice for me?

Linda Barr
Linda Barr

Did I ruin the no contact rule by mistake? It’s been 4 days since not responding to his long closure text when he sent me 2 audio text messages of him out drunk singing our song. I pressed “keep” to the recordings because otherwise they disappear in 2 minutes and I was out at the time and couldn’t hear them. I found out the other person will get notified when I pressed keep. So he received two messages saying “so-and-so kept your message at 10:40 pm.” I didn’t realize this at the time. Did I mess up my no contact streak? I’m so annoyed at myself I’m not sure how he will perceive it/if I ruined it. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No, you probably did not ruin your chances since there was no actual contact, and based on the circumstances, it seemed necessary at that point.

Anna
Anna

Hi there,
Im on 3rd day no contact rule, my ex call me.
Should l text him to do not have contact for a while?
He is very close with my son( he is not his father
And lm close with his son( lm not his mother)

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest if you’re in no contact, not to reply or answer his texts/calls unless it’s necessary or if he’s constantly pestering you.

Surbhi
Surbhi

Do i have to block my ex during no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No you don’t have to unless they’re constantly pestering you and hindering the no contact phase.

Ben
Ben

Hello,

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had been dating for over 2 and half plus years and we were madly in love. She said the breakup was because of her and she the classic “it’s not you it’s me” phrase. Then three days later she starts dating this other guy. I’m fairly certain it’s a rebound after reading your articles. Anyway, about two weeks ago she came up to my house to drop off some of my hoodies and we had a nice conversation and basically said how we want the best for each other, we still care about one another, complimented each other, and we want to keep in touch. I haven’t talked to her since then, so should I keep no contact going? How much longer should I keep it going. I planned on texting her around her graduation. Is that a good idea? Any advice would help out. Thank you!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might also want to consider the possibility that this new relationship wasn’t simply a rebound after the relationship, but that she was actually cheating on you instead. Regardless, continue with NC and ideally you should go with it for around a month. Texting her after at any right opportunity is fine but gauge her response towards you as well as the situation she’s in at the moment.

nonsense
nonsense

Argh. Broke no contact. But I technically was the one who officially ended it so…

My ex is a commitment phobe and that’s not me convincing myself he does want me. He has been burned badly in the past and since then has only had short lived relationships, where he freaks out and runs. He struggles to see himself as someone who can be loved. He feels once I know the real him, I’ll flee. I love being with him and all aspects of his character. He wanted to end our relationship out of the blue and was all irrational. At first I was needy and tried to argue. He then suggested we downgrade it so it was all on his terms. I almost accepted. I would have just been waiting for scraps of attention from him.

I then snapped out of it. I sent him a very nice message (swallowed my crazy ex-anger) two days after I saw him saying I respected his wishes to end things and that he was right, we shouldn’t be together (that was maybe the only bit that was harsh). I enjoyed our time together and cared about him deeply, really valued that he felt he could open up to me and wished him all the best. He replied thanking me for the message and to say he was sorry and that I would always have a special place in his heart and that I deserved to meet someone who could love me fully. I felt like crap because I was like, ‘Crap, he really didn’t chase me or try to stop me going.’

Later that night, he sent me a separate messaging saying: ‘I will miss you.’ I replied saying I would miss him too. And then decided it had to be no contact. Two days later he started liking my posts on Instagram. I didn’t respond. I created a story on IG to see if he would see it, but he didn’t and he then stopped liking my posts. After 5 days I caved in, panicking that my ‘You’re right, we shouldn’t see each other’ was echoing in his mind… and that my silence was making him think I had moved on liked one (just one) of his old posts. And now I’m like, ‘I broke no contact… He knows I miss him. I’m doomed.’

I’ve decided to not post on IG for a bit, and defoinitely no stories.

Stephen
Stephen

HI Ryan,
After reading your article and peoples comments I decided to share my problem with you. I am from Pak and my gf is Chinese. She is a single mom. We are in a relationship for about 2 years. we met on a dating website. we spend this time happily but during this time she tries to leave me many times, she suddenly stops talking with me for many days without knowing the reason and when she ready to talk with me she give me the reason that (we have no future, I am a single (divorced lady) so that’s why I wanted to leave you. I always try to convince her like introducing with my family, meet up with my brother. I did serious steps to convince her and at the end, she agreed to be with me but with a thing in her mind, that i will leave her in future. Now what happened yesterday, she saw some messages of my friend (girl) just friend, which she doesn’t like that messages and said leave me, I want to break up. I try to convince her that she is just my friend nothing else, even I send a message to that girl in front of my girlfriend, and my friend talks with my gf, that we are only friends nothing else. but my gf didn’t agree and said you talk with a girl, the girl is right but you are wrong. I try to convince her and in the end she said, i have to consider our relation again. Now please guide me, what should i do? Thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re going to have learn how to deal with her emotions if you want the relationship to work out. You share a different culture from her and you’re going to familiarize yourself with it as well as her emotional baggage and she why acts this way. Keep in mind as well that this behavior she has is going to be extremely exhausting for you especially if she is in a constant push/pull dilemma with her emotions. However, in the meantime, unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do but give her some space until she makes a decision on the relationship.

Phil
Phil

Hello,

Ex and I were together for 6 months. Eventually, she broke up with me, and it was very hard for her. I know now that the reason was my insecurities and there would also be times where I would lie about small things, and act as if I didn’t say anything at all. I tried no contact with my ex for 2 and a half weeks, and then wrote them an “elephant in the room” letter. I started to slowly text them and rebuild attraction, and after a week of slowly having light conversations, I sent her a long memory text and told her how I never realized how insecure I was until now, after going to counseling for a bit. She seemed to kind of brush if off, asking why im bringing this up now and that she feels that talking to her about it will make me more upset. When I asked to hang out and grab food , just to catch up, she said “i think we still need time to heal”. I havent spoken to her in 2 weeks (so since all of that happened). Finals are approaching and she’ll be going home soon. I don’t know what to do, does this make her sound like she moved on completely, or should I try waiting another couple of weeks before reaching out again? I have this urge to just call her on the phone and talk about things, and I feel like no contact is going to do more harm than good. Thanks,

-Phil

Daina
Daina

My ex, he was so sweet in the begining of the relationship ,we talk and discuss about future and stuff.But then we had lot of fights,we were on n off lyk a 100 tyms,usually i breakup then he comes back and things goes back to normal,but for a few months he was cold,he talks only when he misses me.Else there is no reply even when i would want to talk.One day when we were talking,he says he isn sure about this.So i move out and there was no defense from his side n no pacification.Then he comes back and says he wants to be friends and needs some to talk to.But i am following NC.Will that work

Marie
Marie

Hi,
I have said harsh words that hurt my fiancé’s ego after finding out that he went drinking with the boys without telling me (we’re in a long distance relationship). The next day he didn’t reply to my messages and so on. I sent him messages everyday which surely made me appear desperate and needy. He still hasn’t replied, but I know he’s reading them. I tried to call, but he won’t answer. He’s been ignoring me for more than a week now. I came across this site the other day and since then, I have started no contact. My worry now is that, we are set to wed in July and I am busy with the preparations, while he’s busy working his ads off overseas. We need to communicate asap. What do you think I should do? Will no contact work in my case? Thank you so much for your help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you are getting married soon, then no contact isn’t a good idea so you should set to resolve the situation as soon as possible. Figure out why he’s not responding to you and if there’s something you can do that would change that.

Marie
Marie

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. My fiancé sent me a screenshot of his plane ticket. He would be arriving on May 23. But not a single word from him. Does that mean I can do no contact until he arrives? It’s too long for me to bear. It’s like I’m losing my mind.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, you could decide to do no contact for now while waiting for his arrival. In the meantime, focus on yourself and the guidelines of what you should be doing during no contact.

Marie
Marie

Hi. I’m sorry to bother you once again. So, I’m committed to doing no contact, but I made the mistake of checking on his Facebook profile and saw that he changed his cover photo to something that says this: There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I thought the no contact rule will make him miss me, but it seems that after more than a week of not hearing from me, he has grown mad at me. Please help me. I’m trying very hard not to contact him, but I think I can’t take it anymore. What if he’s really had enough of me? Doesn’t no contact make me lose my chance of getting him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It typically doesn’t, but it also would depend on the circumstances of the relationship and your partner’s personality. If he is the type to seemingly get mad instead, you could always contact him to let him know that you need some time to work on yourself. However, having said that, as you’re supposed to get married soon, perhaps contacting him sooner than later would be a good idea so he doesn’t get the wrong idea and think you’re being difficult and purposely ignoring him.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26

Hi Kevin, My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago. I’m aware of how short a relationship it was but it was extremely passionate and intense since day one. We had been close friends for at least a year before we became a couple. I should also point out for your understanding that we are long distance (3 hrs from eachother) and visits were in no way an impossible issue for us. But it was a horrible breakup. He did it through my best friend saying it was “too painful” for him to face me and had her tell me not to contact him. Desperately calling and texting him that night with him saying he would block me if I continued ended with ugly results on my part. The result of such agony led to my attempted suicide (completely out of my charcater) but I came to my senses and stopped the process before anything irreversible happened. The next day he called me to give me his reasons for ending it and as he was telling me all this he was also saying “I love you so much” and “You’re so beautiful inside and out” and “You’re literally everything I ever wanted in a girl.” I made most of the mistakes mentioned in your articles of what NOT to do. I was desperate. By the 2nd week post breakup I finally apologized for my outbursts and tried my best to be his friend. After coming across your detailed articles and guides (thank you by the way for making them accessible to anyone any time!!) I realized what I had to do and should’ve done is no contact. Being as it was that he would still casually message me(he would insist on keeping our friendship and that I was his true best friend), I felt it necessary to let him know I would no longer be replying to his messages or reaching out. I kept it very brief, straight forward and said goodbye saying I needed time to heal and couldn’t be his friend while feeling this way. I could see him typing a response right away for about 10 minutes. Whatever it was, he never sent it and instead I saw through social media he started drinking and got very drunk that same night. He drunk texted me but I stuck to no contact and never replied. It’s been only one week of official NC. Yesterday I posted pics and videos of all the fun I was having and hanging out with my best friend. I felt good. Better then I have any other day since him leaving me. Ever since he broke up with… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is probably him getting affected by your posts, and stopping himself from viewing them any further by removing you. You could continue on with NC and making those positive changes before contacting him when NC ends to try and break the ice once more.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26

Thank you Ryan, I appreciate your reply to my long message. A day ago I feel I unknowingly made yet another mistake (I know, Im hopless! Haha). I dont really know how Snapchat works with the details of these things so I assumed that since he removed me it wouldn’t notify him of any activity from me. In a silly act of missing him I made the mistake of revisiting our last messages from only a couples day before the breakup. I saved them and Snapchat notified him. He responded with question marks to which I didn’t respond. I saved one more message and he replied again with “Can you please stop…its unsettling.” I finally wrote back with “If it bothers you that much then you can block me so as to not be notified. I noticed you removed me already so if you feel you need to do that then its okay and you can. I hope all is well with you.” He didnt respond for almost 4 hours and when he did all it said was “Sorry I was busy. Just at work” I didnt reply. I hope my initial response didnt ruin the NC process I had going for me. I never meant for him to know I had been saving our messages. To not risk this happening again and also to protect myself from reminiscing on what no longer is, I also removed him so our messages are permanently gone. It hurt all over again losing months worth of messages but I hope maybe I can start NC again? Will it even work at this point? Also, his brithday is in 4 days. Is it appropriate if I were to wish him a brief and positive happy birthday through text or not? Thank you for all your help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could wish him, but go back to NC after that and given the exchange you’ve had with him in recent days, I don’t think it would really make a difference if you wished him. Under these circumstances, you might have to prolong NC so that you at least give it enough time since this recent event.

Bvrb26
Bvrb26

Hello again Kevin, so…things have gotten a little complicated since my ex’s birthday. Sorry for this lengthy post. I went ahead and wished him a brief happy birthday and he said he appreciated it. Left it at that. Later that night his best friend messaged me and we were talking and my ex came up in the discussion. He could see I was still in love with him and went on to tell me that my ex told him he never really loved me. That it was a game from the start and all lies to play me like a fiddle from the beginning. His abrupt breakup would seem so but 5 months of constant contact over the phone and text seems hard to accept it as all a lie. I remember when he first told me he loved me. Whenever we had even a single second we would call eachother sometimes just to remind the other how much we loved eachother. We helped each other both through family trials and told eachother everything. Had phone calls that lasted hours upon hours. Im afraid that his friend may be right and I’m simply in denial…? That same night I guess his friend told him I still loved him and my ex sent me a text. He told me in the message to do what I want and forget about the past and that he shouldn’t be holding be back to sleep (he didn’t use that word) or be with someone and that he isn’t my father and I shouldn’t be asking for his permission to do so because he doesn’t care either way and to have a goodnight. Another thing is I heard through the grapevine that he didnt do anything big for his birthday but spent the day with a girl and his friend to which he called her the highlight of his birthday and the only reason it was a good birthday…referring to her with affection and hearts whenever mentioned on social media. A friend of mine suspects he had been talking to her while him and I were together bur this is only speculation. I ask myself if he did cheat, where he found the time to do so with all the constant contact we had. Anyway, Im trying very very hard not to panick but its rising within me. Any opinions or advice? Im sticking to NC but if he’s already with someone I dont know what to do. And with his message as well…he apparently even told his best friend he didnt mind if he slept with me. This all sounds like a COMPLETELY different person and like he hates me. Please help with anything… Read more »

Bvrb26
Bvrb26

I guess (like maybe most women) I’m wondering what to do and the honest question of “Is this the end of the line for all hope in trying again?”.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

At this point, there seems to be huge amount of confusion with the relationship and your ex, and it might honestly be a better idea to walk away. There’s a chance that he was playing you from the start, and even if that wasn’t true, his abrupt breakup becomes another cause for concern, along with his new date becoming the last obstacle and whether he was cheating on you or not. Regardless, his cold response towards you shows that he isn’t interested in continuing the conversation with you. With such odds stacked against you, as I’ve mentioned, it might be a good idea to be fair to your heart and move on.

Charles
Charles

Hi, me and my ex-girlfriend ended a relationship of 1 and half years. During this time, we broke up and got back few times. I ended sometimes and she did too. She has a son and never was married. She really liked me and I was the first boyfriend that she presented to her son. Since I was very insecure and we were always arguing, I was afraid of commitment. In the end, she started to disconnect from me and she brokeup in last December 2017. Since then, I tried to get back with her because I reckon that I should have afraid of commintment and most of the times we discussed was in part because I didn’t decide to have a life together with them (she and her son). I always wanted that but was afraid of doing it. After we broke up, I tryed to talk to her few weeks later and get back to our relationship. At first, she responded to my messages, but I think she was afraid that if we did, we would got back to the same situation and stopped to talk to me. Then she told me that her decision to break up was final and would never get back to me. I was broken. Then I sent an email few weeks after telling that was was sorry for all my mistakes and that I wated to have a future with her. Then she agreed to talk to me in person and after telling me that the main reason to break up was only my fault (she also had some responsability also, believe me) and I appolagized to her and in the end she told me that would think about getting back together (in this conversation she reckon that she was afraid if get back together, it would be the same and that I would change in the begining and we would would to the same, as we did in the past). Two weeks later she told me that it was over. I was devastated with this and told her that. After this, I was with no contact for abaout 6-7 weeks. Then I started to message her but her replies were vere short and never wanted to restar a reall conversation. Finally, I was trying to know more about her by a common friend and she discovered and was really mad about that (she told me before to not do it). Few days ago, she told me that would never change her mind and that I should respect her decision. I know, huge mistake from me 🙁 Now I am not sure if I get a chance to get her back. I… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Your chances might not be very high because it has occurred several times, and she might be feeling very guarded against you as each time the disappointment builds up. I suggest giving her a bit more space and then trying to initiate contact. If she still does not reply positively towards you, you may want to consider walking away instead from things.

Daniel
Daniel

My girlfriend told me she wanted time and space because she is going to start college to be a nurse and she has two kids 4 and 3 yrs old and she wanted a break from us to get things going for herself and she told me thag i also need to get myself working hard and save money to get a place and she sed “im not breaking up with you ok im just needing time to get stuff going for myself and you do the same that’s it” .so how long should i do no contact even though i didn’t do anything wrong? And if i do the no contact won’t that pull her away since she will be busy with everything else ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you continue to contact her after she has expressed this, you’ll run the risk of pushing her away because she may will feel suffocated. If she wanted a break from the relationship, there must have been something that she felt tired about with it. It would be a good idea what exactly she needs space from, and work on that.

Arron robinson
Arron robinson

hi, my girlfriend and I have been together for 8months fell madly in love with each other it was amazing. we have recently split up 5 days ago she had been feeling this for a little while and had told me that but still tried to work through it. she feels like I’ve pushed her away and that she makes me miserable due to the last four months of bad luck I’ve had i work on a fishing boat and 4 days before Christmas i went overboard and nearly lost my life she was my rock was absolutely amazing everything she did for me. but then in January my next door neighbor who was also my best friend i found him hed passed away it was the worst experience of my life and in the time since I’ve been getting drunk a lot and smoking cannabis when she comes to see me I’ve been breaking down all the time and being moody and miserable with her not intentionally as i love her so much which in turn has made her depressed as well as she feels she gave me everything and is mentally drained from it all and feels we are differnt people to when we met in the last 2 weeks tho i have made improvements ive stopped smoking and drinking feel a lot beeter for it. before we broke up on friday we hadn’t seen each other the week before as needed some space then i got a msg friday afternoon saying hi hope your ok ive had a really good think this week i know you wont like this but ive been a lot happier on my own this last week and ive found myself again this isnt anything to do with you its me yes weve had our issues but i just think i need to be on my own i hope you understand so i msg her back saying im ok and that im happy youve felt better we then spoke on the phone and i said it makes me sad that you feel the need to be alone to be happy but i love and respect you enough to let you go and thanked her for all the support and everything that her and her family had done for me through this bad time i then asked her if she still feels something for me she replied yes and then i asked if she though there could be another chance she said im not saying never but right now i need to be alone we was both crying then i said im sorry and good bye she replied im sorry good bye too. since… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s probably important for you to find a way to pick yourself up right now because that’s the main thing that caused her to walk away because it becomes emotionally draining on her. Spend this NC period working on yourself and perhaps if the opportunity presents itself after, you can go contact her again.

Wilma
Wilma

Hi,
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me two months ago after he took some drugs while I was on holiday and decided that he was too dependent on me and he wanted to go make some friends, which he felt like he couldn’t do while he was in a relationship. Before my holiday our relationship was very good and the breakup was very out the blue. After we broke up, we continued messaging each other and seeing each other regularly for the first month, as we both still loved each other.
During this time he continued to take drugs with his flatmates who I do not think are a good influence, and slowly began to message me less and I could feel him pulling away from me. Around a month ago we decided to try and stop messaging each other, however I continued to message him every few days making sure he was doing okay(which I realise from reading your article was a mistake), and in that time he said he missed me and was feeling sad without me but he felt he had to break up with me.
The last contact we had was last Thursday when I asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee. He refused saying it might make him too sad to see me and he did not want to risk it and that he was worried if he saw me now he would get back together with me because of how sad he feels without me, I replied letting him know I was here if he changed his mind and wanted to talk but I would give him some space to think, and since that time we have been in NC. In the summer he will be moving in with different people who are a better influence. Any advice how I should proceed? Have I ruined my chances of getting back together with him by not doing the NC as soon as we agreed to stop talking? Should I wait until he gets in contact with me, if he does?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No I don’t think you’ve ruined your chances. Give him the space he requires for now as it may be the drugs that are influencing him to feel this way. Perhaps go into NC and remain friends with him after until he has cleaned up a little more before trying again.

RickyC
RickyC

Hi there, my girlfriend of almost 3 years said she needs a break and for me to get my life in order. As of recent, I’ve been changing jobs like crazy every 3 months and she said she was fed up with that. She turns 40 soon and wants some stability in her life(house, kids). The relationship was damn near perfect, we had 2 petty arguments in total. My family loves her to the core and her family likes me. I had plans to propose this summer around June, now that’s on hold. She’s the breadwinner in the relationship and always pushes me to get higher paying jobs. I tried and tried but so far haven’t found the right one yet. So far it’s been NC for about 10 days however she has sent a few texts craving attention which I just brush off with single cold word responses like “cool”. Haven’t heard from her in the last 5 days, I don’t wanna isolate her to where she moves on. I’m 40 and I still want to marry her since we’re like peanut butter and jelly aside from the finance stuff. Thoughts?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Instead of giving one word replies the next time she contacts you, let her know that you’re in the process of trying to deal with the breakup and get your life together as she had felt you should. Also, you’ll have to actually work on that aspect if you want a shot at winning her back because it’s understandable that she would not feel secure settling down with someone who has no stability.

RickyC
RickyC

Thanks for the reply, ever since the split I have been doing nothing but improving on myself!! Getting up early to hit gym and scheduling interviews like crazy. A few days after the split it hit me, SHE WAS RIGHT I do need to get my life together and now I see this as a wake-up call. On Monday she broke NC to ask how I was doing and how was the job searching going, I replied “good, 4 interviews lined for this week alone”. She replied “good man” and emailed me a document on how to answer interview questions better. I said thanks and left it at that. However, I just found out she wants to spend some time with my mother shopping this weekend. I plan on sticking to my NC and self-improvement plan.

RickyC
RickyC

So I sent her the elephant in the room text and it took her a few hours to respond. She responded with “Lov you, let me know how your progress. I wish you the best”. I assume it’s over for now? I responded with ” I will, I still love you too” but I need to make things better not just for me but for us. AKA get my act together.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Do that, and simply spend this time focused on improving yourself so that you’ll come across as a changed person.

RickyC
RickyC

Roger that!

RickyC
RickyC

After 3 weeks of NC the ex-has been texting me constantly for the past few days. With every day that passes she is increasing her texts more and more every day. We text about how things are but nothing in regards to us. I feel every day that passes by she’s opening up a bit more and I don’t want to rush her. I found out from her brother that she had a nervous breakdown after her birthday which was around the time we split up. Right now I reply to her text since it’s pretty much how my job search is going and what I’m up to these days. I do want to show her that I’m improving in many ways and I should land a real job really soon. I assume this is a good sign?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, the fact that she’s opening up to you again is definitely a good sign rather than responding negatively. Continue with building assurance and a sense of familiarity once more with her before moving to the next stage.

RickyC
RickyC

Ex wants to get together for lunch today, I plan on taking it easy and not diving into the reasons of our break. She had a rough weekend in which her dog died, the first thing she did was text me all upset. I gave her my condolences and went partying that night in which she found out.
I want her to take her time to opening up so we can discuss us however I don’t want to end up in the friend zone.

rickyc
rickyc

Had lunch with the ex and everything seemed fine, I did make her laugh out loud without even trying. She still wears the Tiffanys heart pendant I gave her for Vday but did mention that she is seeing someone however when I asked who he was or his first name she smirked and said nothing. I’m not gonna lie that stung a bit. Not sure if she is telling the truth but my gut tells me she’s seeing someone as a rebound. However, before she left she said, “let me know how the job search goes” which was the main reason for our split. I gave her a hug and nothing more but it’s tough seeing her without showing affection(kiss), should I just go back to NC?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could continue talking to her, and to gauge how her relationship with the other person is. However, the moment you feel her pulling away from the conversation, do not overstep your boundaries and keep calm.

RickyC
RickyC

We texted for a while recently and she gave me a lot of mixed signals. She says she still loves me and then she says she doesn’t. She said we still have a shot and getting back together, then she says that she going to give the rebound guy a chance but she keeps checking up on me on a daily basis to see how I’m doing and how the job search is going. The rebound guy is not her type in any way so it tells me that it’s probably not going to last. I’m working on myself physically and professionally that I’m about to land a nice job soon. I told her this and her texts keep increasing to sort of check my status. I assume she’s waiting for me to get my act together to reconcile?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be that she’s looking for a reason to get back together, but at the same time she may not feel sure of herself and you yet, which is why she engages in this push&pull of emotions towards you. Continue with the conversations but avoid looking needy or pushy anytime in between.

RickyC
RickyC

Ryan,

I want to thank you for all your advice but this girl leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I have seen her true colors now, this girl is a bi-polar mental head case looking for a poor sucker to bleed financially. No wonder no guy has ever proposed or even married her at 39. Now that I step back and see it with a fresh pair of eyes all the red flags were there, it was ALL about her. She never asked what I wanted or anything she was selfish, tight as fuck with her money and thought she was better than everyone else. Giving me ultimatums that if I didn’t marry her but a specific date she would leave and I later found out she was talking to her rebound guy a month before we officially broke up. I checked one of her emails to her sister and when I saw it, it was all I needed to know. She put on there “Ricky thinks we’re taking a break, but it’s been over”. Why not just say this and instead of keeping me dangling emotionally. This is one cold selfish bitch and I count my lucky stars now.
Ciao

hp
hp

my ex broke it off about 2 weeks ago. It came out of nowhere or at least I didnt see the signs until afterwards. We were together 3 months, never fought, and always fun times for first 2 months. She is mother of two teens and is divorced. I suspect I started taking her for granted, maybe being selfish in choices of how we spend our time, but especially she said she doesn’t respect how I treat other people and my way of thinking. it made her uncomfortable. this may be true or there may be a whole other reason I dont know about. She had some crying spells few weeks before breakup and wouldnt explain. I can see so clearly how I goofed and want to show her I do really care for her and am serious about her. I asked her to reconsider but I wasn’t overly needy and didnt cry or beg. She didnt block me on any social and she texts me every few days with cold, generic message “hows everything going?”. My replies are probably a bit over the top enthusiastic and ive asked her to meet a few times, but she says she’s busy. Since I suspect part of this is her feeling im not really serious about her or about that I can change some of my reactions that she finds stressful, If I stop contact it might push her away more. I did ask for chance too soon after, which was too soon and I can feel the power has shifted in how she chats with me. I can do NC but I want to reply if she contacts. whats hard is to be cool when she does and not be overly zealous to meet or show her ive changed..I really want her back and think there are some misunderstands at play here too….

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s understandable that after some time being in the relationship that certain issues occur, and both parties see sides to their partner they may not be used to. You’ll probably have to show her as you mentioned with your actions that you’re capable of being serious about things when it requires you to be. Also, perhaps work on figuring out why she felt uncomfortable with the way you treated others and thinking, and if it’s genuinely a negative aspect, consider changing it about yourself.

Mike
Mike

Hello Kevin. After reading your article I decided to take control of the situation and I initiated no contact. We were on talking terms and I took your advice and told her that I needed some time and space to heal from the break up which I never truly did. I went almost 2 weeks without talking to her and then she contacted me. She goated me into an argument and I broke no contact. After that I immediately went back into no contact and again 2 weeks in she contacted me several times saying she “misses me” and asking me questions, wishing all is well? This time I have remained strong and ignored her texts and attempts to communicate and then I get this message from her: Ok Mike. You win. I sure hope you’re not doing this in hopes to talk again as friends one day. Because that’s never going to happen. You are now dead to me. Got it? Lose my number for good. I mean it. Do not text me if you get into ……….., cuz I won’t care. Do not text me about births or deaths in your family. Not my concern any longer. Stay out of my life forever! Clearly she’s is infuriated over the fact I have followed no contact as recommended and no responded. Now l and worried going no contact has caused severe damage I won’t be able to recover from. I don’t know what to do from here on out. Any suggestions?

Mike

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This meant that NC has effectively gotten to her based on her response towards you. It might be a good idea to let her know that you need some space in order to make positive changes to your life and by remaining in contact with her at that point would only affect you emotionally, because you wouldn’t be able to process the breakup properly.

Ivan
Ivan

I broke up with my girlfriend more than 2 months ago. She left me after a small fight when I was in emotional mess because of family and career problems. I begged for 3 days and then done NC for a week. We met and I begged her again. Then i tried to remain friend but it hurt me too much. I started NC again for 2 weeks but I saw her looking sad at college so I borke no contact and wanted to talk to her. Next week we talked again and she was kinda ignorat and I acted isecure. I started NC again but it was already 7 weeks from break up. It’s 4 weeks of no contact right now. Even after 3 weeks since breakup i improved myself rapidly, got in better shape, fixed career and family issues and met new friends, by now it got even better, but i doubt she noticed (except my shape). I still don’t feel that clearminded and confident in front of her. My mindset bothers me (altough I’m aware there’s plenty of fish in the water) and her ignorance hurts me. How effective will this no contact be if I started it after 7 weeks? It will be 2,5 months since break up when I finnish no contact, is it too late?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s never too late to go into NC since it also acts as a buffer to clear your mind during this period, which seems to be the main issues that’s affecting you and your inability to feel confident in front of her.

Lana
Lana

Hi! I’m broke up with my ex-boyfriend after 11 years together. The issues about religion and that’s why we cant move to another step (married). But how to explain, he makes too many promises to me, wants to convert and get married, but he lies to me when that time is coming to convert he tell me, he not ready but I give more time and realize like he just want me to stay with him but not think this to serious relationship. I live him yesterday and I reading this article. I love him and want his to know what he did its wrong and he should think mature and serious on this relationship… I’ll try this No Contact and wish me luck

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best Lana. We hope things work well for you.

User
User

My ex contacted me after afterfour months .
Im wonder if he back to hurt my feelings or he no
Reply me plz

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That is something you would have to consider based on the situation that occurred previously. Consider if the relationship ended on a bad note, or what he’s like as a person and whether he’s capable of doing something like contacting you just to hurt you. Depending on how you’ve picked yourself up since the breakup, it should not be as easy for him to hurt you even if he wanted to, since you should be stronger now after the breakup.

MN
MN

Two days ago my long distance boyfriend of around 4 months and I talked about loyalty, and that’s when he admitted he’d been cheating on me with another girl from a party just one or two days after our last meet-up/date for 2-3 weeks now. He said that he doesn’t feel like committing anymore and perhaps never will to anyone in his life, and that he doesn’t have too many feelings for me anymore. We had talked about me coming to his country for studies and living with him, and he said he’d be fine with it if I didn’t come, and that it would be odd if I lived with him with so little commitment. Regarding the relationship, he said “take it or leave it”. He didn’t show any remorse, but also didn’t break up with me. I suppose he wanted me to do it, because he is a coward.

Instead of showing any strong reaction or making a definite break, I hung up on him, cutting the convo short with the words “I need to think about this”. After just one day of no contact, he texted me saying “How are you feeling”. What should I do? A friend of mine says I should tell him I don’t feel like talking with him rn and that I need space, but perhaps I should better just ignore it? I am also not sure yet whether I want to take him back. One day wasn’t enough for me to really go through it all.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Tell him that you need more space and time to think about it, but judging by the way he has expressed himself, it doesn’t seem like he cares very much whether you choose him or not. I would suggest you think things through carefully because this may not even be the case of him losing ‘romantic’ feelings for you, but one that he’s indifferent to the relationship.

MN
MN

We talked some more, and he is being Hot and Cold. The next night when he hung out with the girl he cheated on me with, he was online the whole time (instead of focusing on her), and later wrote me (not being sober) “I love you baby” and “Im sorry I’ve hurt you”, but then the next day he was cold again and told me to find someone who is worthy.

We talked again, he opened up to me about his issues etc., he even sent kiss emoji later, but I didn’t respond. He kept flirting with other girls in the group chat, and told me “love you” but then how he is sending someone nude pics. He said, all he would/could do is an “open relationship”.

The thing is, he recently just got homeless and is going through tough times. His self esteem is pretty low. It seems like he is on an Ego trip right now, and simply not capable of sustaining a committed long distance relationship right now. He said in the group chat that we fit pretty well together, but that the distance sucked and he wants to get laid…

I don’t want to leave the group chat, but it seems like perhaps I should, for at least until the No contact period is over, because he is active on there everyday, and him flirting with other girls on it just makes me more insecure. I am not sure what to do. Should I move on for good?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

At his stage of life and situation, there’s no guarantee when he would change and become more grounded. It may be a better idea as you say to leave the group chat for now, and even consider moving on if your ex is only remaining in contact with you because he wants the emotional connection but would still talk to other girls and flirt around because he’s trying to get laid.

Courtney
Courtney

My BF broke up about 2 weeks ago, haven’t contacted him since. He carries a lot of insecurities and he said he can’t get a connection between us. We have been up and down together for 4 years. He also said we needed to be apart so he could work on his demons. Not sure if I believe there’s no connection after 4 years but would like to get your thoughts? Worth persuing? Continue NC? Help!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

4 years is a long time to be together and there’s definitely no way to not have a connection after this period. It might be your ex’s insecurities that got the better of him, and perhaps the breakup hasn’t hit him yet to realize this. If you really love him and want the relationship back, it’s definitely worth a shot to pursue things.

Nick
Nick

okay so my girlfriend told me she wanted a break and we have been on it for a week now. Every morning though at school, she comes towards me like she would before the break up and we go down and get breakfast together, she has also texted me firs a couple of nights . what should i do. should i use the no-contact rule or should i still go with her since she said it’s just a break?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since it’s just a break, it might be better to stay in contact and slowly try to soften her up and win her back from there. Just remember not to be too pushy about things or you’ll risk making the break a permanent thing.

Tiffany
Tiffany

So I have known this guy for a few months. We were seeing each other but never committed. About a month or so ago we mutually agreed to take a break from each other due to him needing to figure himself out. Although, his definition of a break was not the same as mine. He kept in contact with me everyday, just not often. I got tired of the “half-ass” communication we were going through and decided to cut it off. I told him it was better to not associate with each other until he figured out what he wanted. I truly believe that he really just needs time to himself and space away from me, but of course in the back of my mind I will always think someone else caught his interest. I also think he may have some other personal problems that is causing this. Are my chances of getting him to come back good if I do the NC rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on how serious he treated the relationship in the first place. This would determine the likelihood of him moving on during no contact. If he genuinely had interest in someone else, I assume his communication with you would’ve been less than daily (however, this is contextual). Regardless, if the relationship was meaningful enough to both parties, your application of no contact would probably cause him to think of things, and when you begin to show your changes on social media, he would probably take notice and may even miss you.

CJ
CJ

Hey,
So I had been with my now ex-partner for 6 years. He ended things in December but we still lived together and acted as a couple until we were able to move out of our house together at the start of February. We both wanted to keep in contact and remain friends through this difficult time so had been talking each day. We would stay say that we loved each other and I (stupidly) agreed to meet up for sex last week. Unfortunately, I found messages of him flirting with another girl already and confronted him about this which in turn, made him very angry and resentful towards me. I know it was wrong on my part, but I couldn’t help but feel he was only using me for sex/comfort while he tries to move on even though he knows that I still want to work on our relationship. Anyway, we were supposed to see each other on Sunday to hang out before I confronted him about the other girl, but he cancelled after the argument. He still however sent a message later that day that ended with love you. I messaged again on Monday morning to meet up and talk about things, but he declined. So on Tuesday night, I decided to implicate the no contact rule and sent a message similar to the ‘elephant in the room’ to make him aware of it. I honestly was expecting a reply, but he has only ‘read’ the message. I can’t help but think that he is very angry towards me for my mistakes following the break up and will no longer want anything to do with me in future. What happens if I try to contact him after the no contact rule and he leaves me on ‘read’ again? I know I will assume that he will still be angry with me but if after I focus on myself during no contact and realise that I do want to keep fighting for him as a boyfriend but even as a friend, is that even going to be possible if he doesn’t reply? Maybe I am just overthinking because of the current circumstances, but I am so worried that he will go back on his word about wanting to be friends in future. Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Someone who wanted to use you simply for sex while he focused on moving on may not be worth the effort. However, if you genuinely still want to make things work with him, or even remain friends, the best you can do for now is to give him some space. That’s what NC is for, to give him the space and time to let go of negative emotions related to the breakup/you.

Gwen Rani
Gwen Rani

This is my situation..i still with him, but in our relationship he always ignore me, i think he has changed, but when i ask to him, he always said there’s no changed within him. He never call me or text me again, we doing an LDR for 3 months. The answer i have in mind is..does the “no contact” period will work on my situation? Please give answer & some clue to me to make him not ignore me & make him fall in love to me again

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should have an honest talk with him about this, and consider walking away first before applying NC if he still insists on being the same. If the LDR started only recently, he may have started to feel less obligated to you, especially when he isn’t physically around which results in his behavior of not calling or texting.

Darrell
Darrell

My gf of 6 months dumped me because she is too busy for a relationship (full time job and school). The relationship was very healthy throughout (we never once fought or even disagreed). We left on good terms and told each other we’d stay in touch and possibly look to get back together in the future. But when I started to contact her afterwards she seemed to be pulling away. I did my best to not come across as needy, but it’s possible I gave that impression. I’ve now started no contact and am about a week in. How long should I do no contact for?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should do no contact for around 30 days still, and she may be pulling away because she’s trying to cope with the break up and remaining in contact with you would defeat that purpose. You should give her to space for now, and just focus on yourself in the meantime.

Pete
Pete

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after an 8 years relationship, claiming she doesn’t love me anymore and that she felt unnapreciated, and she felt this deep attraction by a co-worker. We lived togheter for a little over 1 year and I brought my dog, whitch she loves deeply and takes really good care of. I started no contact and moved out the apartment, leaving it available to her until she decides to leave, but she also is not sleeping there and is staying with a friend. Since then she tried to call me and texted me asking if we could talk. I never replied, but then she texted me asking me if it was necessary for her to go to the apartment to take care of the dog, since she knows I’m out for most of the day and usually she would be there for that period. I struggled to reply worrying it would break NC, but then I compared the dog to the child situation and simply replied “no” and she thanked me. Im freaking out because I’m thinking this will be the opportunity for her to meet the guy (I’m preety sure they haven’t met outside work yet). I know she will contact me again for this issue and then again to talk about leaving the house permanently (everything of her’s is still there) and I’m not sure how to deal with this and if it will considered breaking NC.
Thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

NC is only meant as a general guideline for people to follow, and based on your given circumstances, should always adjust it accordingly. Don’t be too afraid of breaking the rules of NC, especially when it’s for a purpose beyond the relationship, such as the dog that you’ve both come to love and take care of.

Pete
Pete

Its been 3 weeks since the breakup. Less than 2 weeks ago we had a polite conversation about who keeps what in the apartment and she wanting to keep taking care of the dog to which I (reluctantly) asked if it was wise for us wanting to move forward, and she being in a new relationship, that she kept coming back frequently to the house. She was very assertive in saying that she was not in a new relationship nor she wanted to be and then cried accusing me of keeping her away from the dog, to which I replied that I would never do that, because how much she loves the dog and how much the dog loves her. Moreover, she said she would always be there for me and would keep taking care of the apartment (cleaning and cooking) whenever im not home (of course I said no to that!). Whenever she texts me, I only reply to those concerning the dog and I take my time in doing so and keep it concise. On the contrary, she replies almost immediately after and today I sent her a text by mistake (lol) to which she replied 2h later and apologized saying that only then she saw the text. Im still in NCP and I’m not ready to break it, and im always assuming she’s with the guy. Basically I’m very confused about her behavior as i dont know how to interpret her feelings for me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she insists that she isn’t dating anyone new, you’re going to have to take her at her word for it. Based on her behavior, there’s a chance that she still has some sort of feelings for you, but may be subconsciously projecting her actions based on old habits she’s familiar with (during the relationship period). Perhaps continue with NC and when you’re done, you could always ease back into things with her – starting with a casual friendship to build up the comfort levels once more.

Insacurewoman
Insacurewoman

Me and my ex were together for 7 months. We moved pretty fast, emotionally and physically. We fell in love in 2 months of being together. We did everything together, told each other everything. There has been times when both of our exs got back in touch with us, messaged us both to try and split us up and that was in the beginning. We became stronger than ever. I had to leave work due to being poorly and I was feeling pressured to go to college, he never did or said anything horrible. He would stay round mine every Saturday but this one Saturday he couldn’t as he was busy. We had a car crash 2 weeks before the breakup so he had to bet ride of his beloved car, he was very upset. And I messaged him saying if he didn’t want to see me that day all he had to do was say. But he said I was being horrible, I was feeling insacure. I told him I was sorry and that I was feeling upset, he told me he had to have time to think, I asked him if he was going to break up with me. I admit I wouldn’t stop messaging him or calling him. He the love of my life. But he came over that day. We talked. I tried everything. He told me he loves me and that I make him happy. But he said that he will have to think about it. But my mum did say he already knew and he sayid he was sorry and left. I messaged him less than a week since we broke up and I messaged him again a couple of days after. Tried to add him on Facebook again. I’ve stopped even trying to contact him, I want him to miss me and come back. What do I do? Will he just miss me and come back? He left because our future is different he said. He wants me to work and maybe afford a house in 3 years. But who knows w hat will happen in 3 years time. Please I need advice I’m going crazy. We been apart for 3 weeks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The best thing you can do right now, is to actually stop contacting him any further for the time being, and to genuinely spend time working on yourself. We all have to grow up some day, and some people are only willing to progress with a partner who has the same frequency and is working towards the same goals as them.

Addison Parker
Addison Parker

Hi there! Firstly, I bought your EXBoyfriend Recovery book 2 years ago when I was going through a breakup. It helped so much! However, it was a PDF version and I have lost it! 😩 Eventually, he did come back, but after finding out that he cheated- I didn’t want him. Lol
Fast forward 2 years later to now. My boyfriend of 6 months, whom I loved with all of my heart, broke up with me about 1 month ago. We had met about 15 years ago and then a mutual friend fixed us up in July of this year. We were quick to talk about all things serious. He got my finger sized in september and had asked me to move in two weeks prior to breaking up with me. When he ended it, it was a very small argument that led to him saying he wasn’t ready to be married and ready for the seriousness of what our relationship had become. I was floored! I ugly cried and begged and pleaded and did all of the things you’re not supposed to do. My world had stopped. Due to needing to make arrangements to get my things out of his house (he had two weeks prior asked me and my daughter to move in), we talked for a couple of weeks after the breakup. Once I got all of our items out of his house, I have not attempted to contacted him since and he hasn’t reached out to me. This was 17 days ago. He had continued being my friend on Facebook but on SuperBowl sunday, he deleted all of our pics as he was around his friends (he posted a pic which is how I knew he was around his friends). To me, this meant that he was making an effort to move on. Though I had already “unfollowed” him, I couldn’t help myself when I saw this so I unfriended him. I didn’t want to watch him as he moved on with his life and removed traces of me and my daughter. It was incredibly painful as I’m sure you can understand. Given the fact that he hasn’t contacted me and he removed our pics, I feel like he is wanting to move on. I’m afraid I’m losing him forever the longer we go without talking and he’s making these changes to his profile for everyone to see. HELP! Should I contact him or has he moved on?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He may be trying to move on, but that doesn’t mean that he already has. Many people get cold feet when things start to become too serious (aka marriage), before suddenly turning the opposite direction to make a dash for it because of the million and one fears that enter their mind. If you really want him back, I would suggest you try to contact him to see if things can be sorted out and whether his fears are rationally thought through. If it turns out to be more than just some irrational fear, and he has genuine issues that led to the break up (that can’t be resolved), then you might want to re-evaluate the situation again and decide if you still want to try and give another shot.

Marie
Marie

Hey, i think i made a big mistake ( or two!). here is my situation: my ex broke up with me two weeks ago. He said that he had thought about it through and was feeling like we didn’t have a future together and wanted to be over. At first he said that he still loved me, but the second time he broke up he said, he didn’t love me anymore. We talked for a long time about it, I tried to convince him to give me more time, I begged but he was sure. We spent one last day together, ( very nice and loving but sad of course) and as I was living with him in his country and when he broke up, I went back to mine. We talked via text for a day. then I had been implementing nc for eight days when he sent me a message to know how I was and say thanks for me telling our friends to take care of him. I waited a couple of days to answer, to be sure. He hadn’t say anything about me ignoring him and he even said to a friend I was hanging out with to tell me hi ( like I hope she is OK and I don’t give a damn she is not answering). I then answered because I had seen on another site that when you are a long distance from your ex no contact is not the best, and I am really not sure it would work on him because he really wanted the break up and he has lots to do with his days and he is not the type to obsess over me not replying, and to try to show him I had moved on and was doing good, having friends and everything ( what he had reproached me). The talk was chitchatty, nothing more. Also I had been writing my feelings about the break up down, because at first I thought that if I could rationally show him that his feeling of no future was just temporary, and that it would get better ( when I could find new friends and a job in his town) that I would make him realise that he had made a mistake. I sent him this email but I didn’t want to beg again so I presented more in a “I want to move on, and have my questions answered, and I’m improving myself” kind of way. Do you think those two things killed my chances of getting him back? Did I give him one last dose by answering to his message and stopped his addiction to me, by revealing he… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It really depends on how the relationship was developed upon back when you guys were together. Your chances are definitely not 0, but from the way things sound, he may have lost his feelings of intimacy and passion towards you, but not in the way that he no longer cares about you. You did well by not presenting yourself in a desperate sort of way, and that may be why he hasn’t distanced himself from you. However, since he’s still caught up about the negative aspects of the relationship, I would suggest going forward with NC, and if you’d like you could let him know that you’re planning to take time off to work on yourself and you hope he could still remain friends with you. There are specific steps which Kevin could guide you on, as part of our personal coaching program. You could contact us directly via our contact page for further information on our coaching program.

Chris
Chris

Hi my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me new years eve. She claimed we were to different. She likes to do things like drink and go to concerts, bars, big social events. None of that stuff is really for me and i bailed a lot of the times so i guess i could have done a better job at compromising. We both could have done better in our relationship but all she ever said is that she questions our compatibility. Before she broke up with me she told me she loves me and hopes to be friends. I let a month go by of NC and sent her a closure text admiting my flaws so i can improve on myself and i wished her the best and i did say when the time is right id like to be friends. She responded claiming the reason she didnt reach out over that month is because she still gets really upset if she tries to talk to me. Can you guide me in the next direction i also have her blocked on social media. I love this girl so much and i want her back.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For the time being, since you have completed NC already, you could always consider initiating casual conversation once more with your ex, and to see where things may lead from there.

catlady
catlady

We both just turned 40 having spent 13 years in a same-sex relationship, legally married for 3. Our sex life had died off a while ago which made her unhappy and I was working to fix it. Then 2 months ago, coinciding with her 40th birthday, she seemed to have a breakdown, was crying all the time, saying she had been numb for years and felt suffocated, judged and controlled. We agreed to work on these things, she was going to start going out by herself more and we’d get therapy.
Last Saturday, our anniversary, she admitted that she realized she had fallen in love with a male coworker when he moved to a new job at the start of December. That she hadn’t slept with him yet, but has been physical. He is planning to leave his wife of 19 years. She also said that even if it doesn’t work out with him, that we are “not good for each other” (everyone we know disagrees with this view and suspects she has been biased by this new man).
I didn’t take it well, I was shocked, I begged her to try to work it out with me, getting more and more upset. (She had no actual plan of leaving and stayed at the house for 2 nights more) during which time I got 0 sleep and ate nothing, eventually developing sleep psychosis, making plans to kill myself and ultimately hitting her. All of this sounds like we had a really terrible relationship, but the sad thing was that it was actually great, and we WERE happy until recently, and I desperately want to make her happy again.
Anyway, I haven’t contacted her since the day she left (Monday). However she just emailed me asking when she can get the rest of her things and when we can talk about dividing our stuff (all our finances are together including the mortgage). She wants me to sign a marriage termination agreement.
I am not ready to see her, I will box up her things for a friend to deliver and I will sign whatever she needs to feel secure, but I’m unsure of how to respond to her email. Should I reply myself, or ask a friend to be an intermediary?
Trying to do the right thing but struggling.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should do what you feel is best for yourself and your emotional well-being. If you don’t feel ready to reply her email, you could ask a friend to do it on your behalf. There’s nothing wrong with that. Also, the reasons for her suddenly acting this way could vary, but the biggest likelihood seems to be mid life crisis where she’s struggling to find meaning with her life, especially if you said that she recently turned 40 and everything has been going great up till recently.

SadGirl
SadGirl

What if you’re on a timeframe? We hadn’t been together long but I messed up (not majorly, just too eager) and he went silent after I got frustrated with him one day. Problem is he’ll deploy in a few months so in that case, can 30-days turn into 2-weeks?
I plan to contact him my mailing him a package with a smal gift that is made for him but hadn’t gotten a chance to give him. And I’d ask him to text me…
What do you think?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you haven’t been together for a long time, it’s definitely possible to reduce the no contact period, as long as it’s enough time (in your opinion and circumstance) for him to respond positively towards you.

clearlyasian
clearlyasian

Hi,

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 7 year relationship. I think it’s fair to say that the majority of the relationship was long distance but we overcame it by talking everyday and meeting up from whenever we could. Even though it felt like it came to an abrupt end (within the space of two weeks it went from how we had always been to it ending), the problems she mentioned were recognisable when laid out to me at the end – the waning communication, her lack of passion, her unhappiness in the relationship. But these weren’t things which had been mentioned prior to the break up so for me it had come out the blue. I don’t know if I had been too naive to recognise it or whether it was poor communication. One of the major issues was our lack of integration with each other’s families – but that’s too complicated to explain coming from traditional Asian backgrounds.

As abrupt as it felt, I still envisage a future with her. Now that I know what went wrong, I know how things have to be different. It was both our first relationships and it really felt like one that’ll last. I haven’t looked at another girl the same way. We began the no contact as soon as the break up conversation ended and neither of us had said a thing to each other, but I feel like even the 90 days recommended is too short a time before reapproaching her. From August, I will be closer to her geographically and I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to reapproach her then even if she’s come to terms with it and moved on. As much as I’d love to get back with her, I don’t want to push her away by invading the space she needs.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No Contact is not a time frame set in stone but rather the amount of time you personally feel is needed. 30/60/90 days are only an estimate gauge for general scenarios, but everyone has different needs. If you feel that August would be a better time, then give her more space for now, and perhaps contact her again only closer to the date to initiate contact before you shift. She should have let go of any negative emotions by then, considering there were no major fights or things turning ugly at the end.

Briana Kimora Lewis
Briana Kimora Lewis

My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere likke a week after the new year. He told my he did not feel anything anymore that he needs to find himself/i need to be alone and that we can still be friends. From day one of this year he has not been himself he has got into a physical fight with his brother and getting into it with people at work..hes normally not aggresive like that. After he broke up with me he deactivated his facebook left all our pics and relationship status still in place..he saud he was just over social media..told me to text him through regular text. He texted me everyday for a week after we broke up and we seen each other 2 times…he never blocked my from any thing. And he changed my netflix name but did not delete the profile. I am doing no contact for 5 days now. I still love him but i think he is bipolar or he has a mood problem /depression..he goes through feeling numb every few months but this is the worst i have ever seen him. He smokes weed everyday to surpress his emotions..i just dont know what to to i feel stuck..we have been in each others lives almost 2 years

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If there was a trigger that caused him to turn so extreme, maybe it’s something you should consider seeing how you can support him on it. It’s clear that he’s not in the best frame of mind, and if things are really extreme, I would recommend you to strongly suggest he seeks help professionally, as things could get worse if left unchecked.

Briana
Briana

I think the trigger was the new year…he is suppose to be trying to get his own place this year as in probably march ..but he has no money saved up plus alot of family issues. He doesnt want to ask me for help i think cuz its a man/pride thing.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I understand where you’re coming from about the male pride issue, since I have been guilty of it too. However, there are other ways to support your man without hurting his pride. We don’t ask for help because we don’t want to seem incapable of handling our own issues. While you may not be able to support him on the issue itself, you could always go about by being there for him, doing sweet little gestures to brighten his tough day/week.

Niki
Niki

Hi there, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after 2.5 years together. We were deeply in love and he said at the time that he still loved me and would learn not to. The issue is that he is 26 and I am 44 and I have a 6 year old child from a previous relationship. He says he is not ready to be a step-dad or live as a family and that he wants children but not for another 5-10 years, and that counts me out. He says that love isn’t enough and that he wants to follow convention even if it means the person he ends up with isn’t someone he loves as much as he loves me. I am devastated. This is also our second attempt to be together. He broke up with me last April 2017 for the same reasons. After 6 weeks he said he’d made a terrible mistake and couldn’t be without me, that I was his soul mate and we were meant to be together. It lasted 7 months until he broke up with me on 1 January 2018. I feel like he is the only person I have ever loved this much in my life and that he is making a terrible mistake which he may only realise many years down the line, but I can’t convince him anymore – I have to do the no contact to try and heal and see what happens. Do you think that I should try and rekindle the relationship again in 30 or more days or is this hopeless? We will always have the same issue but our relationship was incredible in every other way.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like he isn’t emotionally ready to settle down, and it isn’t something that can be resolved within 30 days. If you’re going to be fair to yourself, it might be a better idea to walk away since he may not be ready for another couple of years as you’ve mentioned.

Nina
Nina

My girlfriend of 3 and a half years left me 3 months ago. It was difficult because we weren’t allowed to see each other because her parents couldn’t accept that she was gay. We could only see each other at varsity therefore she left me because she didn’t want me to get hurt by her family anymore and we argued too much about her family and we both had trust issues. We went through so much together and I don’t understand how after everything she can just move on and pretend like nothing ever happened. She told me to move on but she still wants to be friends and do things together. I believed what we had was real so I made the mistake to beg and pushed her even further away now we don’t talk anymore.I really miss her in my life. Should I try the no contact rule and then try to be her friend or should I just write her off?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would depend entirely on what you want. If you feel that it is better to write her off and the pain you feel is not worth it, you should walk away from her completely. However, if you still feel that you want to be together with her, start with no contact to give her some space and time, since she may have a negative view on you right now for begging her.

Kelli
Kelli

Similar ending situations and its hard.

Sean
Sean

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years about a year ago before we went to university. To this day I still regret it.
I didn’t break up with her because we were going to university, we were actually going to the same school. I just thought that she didn’t appreciate me for the things I did for her, but it was really me who was being a child and being immature. She’s a very sweet and caring person, and to this day I love her more than anyone on this planet.
A couple weeks after I moved in to my school, I messaged her to meet up. We did and I basically begged her to get back together. She said no to me and for the next 6 months I made things horrible but pleading more and more looking like a fool. After that, I became angry at her, resenting her and not letting anyone bring her name up, but alas it was still my immaturity that got the better of me. It took about a year from the break up to get on normal talking terms again. She still loves me, I doubt anywhere close to how much I love her right now, but we had an amazing relationship and I know she thinks the same. Part of me still thinks she wants to be with me, but needs to see improvement in me.
I’m still so mad for her, after over a year I still can’t be with another woman. What are your thoughts? Anything would help. Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on your end goal on whether it’s to win her back or to move on. If you want her back, you should make those improvements to your life as you had said, and put your pride or anger aside because it would only serve to backfire on you. If your goal is to walk away and move on, bear in mind that you’ve already gone through several stages of grief since the break up (denial, anger, bargaining and probably some depression) and the only part left is acceptance, which has prevented you from moving on.

Accept everything that has happened regardless, and let go of your anger before any steps can be deemed effective.

Nicole
Nicole

My wife decided that she wanted a divorce about 2 weeks ago, and she moved out 2 days ago. I definitely made the mistake of begging and pleading for her to come back. She has insinuated subtly that she has doubts about her decision, but also says that she doesn’t want to talk about it because she doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She is a divorce attorney, and filed for a divorce immediately – however, she says that she did so to get the date into the system and has not served me with the papers. She was going to start drawing up a divorce agreement, but does not seem to be in a huge hurry to do so. Would you say that I should go “No Contact” even when a divorce has been filed? I’m worried that we will be so far into the divorce process in a month that it will be hard to slow down. I’m also concerned that if she does present an agreement, and I’m following No Contact, all of our communication will be about the divorce agreement and could be contentious. Also, we have two kids, so we will need to be communicating about them during this time. Would you say No Contact is still the best option in my situation?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she has not thrown the idea of getting back together out (even though she didn’t agree either), it’s a start. No contact may make matters a little worse in your case, but it depends on the context of why she wants the divorce in the first place. If it’s something that can be worked on, I suggest you try to sort things out first, and try to convince her to get back together with you. Bear in mind you should not put too much pressure on her or she would only be more firm on her decision.

Derrel
Derrel

Its only been about 1.5 weeks since the initial break up and I went through absolute hell the first couple of days and did EVERYTHING that your guide said not to do. I felt like a fool after reading through everything and realizing the gravity of the mistakes I was doing by reaching out, pleading, not giving time.

I have only started true no contact for a brief 2 days now after many text messages and calls. Yesterday there was a huge Island event (I live on the Caribbean island of Curacao) where there was a huge boat/yacht get together….thousands of people in a little bay. And yet I ended up on a boat parked just one away from the one my ex was on…what are the fricken chances?!?! I ignored her, and tried with all my strength not to look at her…and i did succeeded. Today she sent me a message. I did respond according to your section on how to start text messaging once no contact is over. Now the reason i responded instead of ignoring it is because one of the issues I had during my relationship was that I took her for granted and did not show her the attention/affection she needed (I purposely held it back because of my own insecurities and reasons that I AM working on right now….therapist included). There were countless times in the past that she would message me and I would purposely not really pay much attention to it, or let my self forget about it. She has brought this up in a few discussions in the past and it did bother her greatly.

Now back to the reason that I did respond: In my head, i was thinking that part of me changing, bettering myself, allowing myself to open up and give someone the attention I truly do want to give them, would be to properly respond to text messages in a timely fashion and not brush them off with a shrug.

In a case like this i didn’t want her to think about all the times she must have felt the annoyance about me not responding and then think “oh so he’s not changing after all”. It was a lack of respect and attention that got me into this mess, and I did not want it to make it any worse.

So, in a case like this, if she does respond to me again in a couple days, weeks, should I completely ignore her or just send her a positive, straight-to-the-point message as prescribed by your guide?

Many thanks,

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Reply her with a to the point message, letting her know that you’re currently working to improve yourself and require some space to make changes in your life.

D
D

my boyfriend of a year and two months broke up with me 4 days ago he said he lost feelings for me and wanted me out of his life im wondering if he really meant that or only said that because i pushed things too hard to be back to normal i became clingy and tried giving him affection after trying multiple failed attempts of giving him space and trying to plan a date to sort things out everything started to go downhill within a span of about 3 months due to some petty arguement that i dont even remember at this point i really do still love him and really dont want to lose him for good do u have any suggestions as in what i could do and if he’ll ever love me or care about me again?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He could have lost affection for the way you are now or the way he remembers you to be. Since that is the case, applying no contact would be the best solution as it gives him the space to let go of memories with you, and for you to make changes in your life which can be shown at the end of the NC period. This might re-kindle the spark that he lost.

Krsna
Krsna

My ex boyfriend broke up last june 2016. He lives in u.s. and im here in the philippines. The reason that i know why he broke up with me is because i cant go to u.s and he has not got his greencard yet so je cant come home. He started again communicating with me last year and got his green card. We talked everyday and night just like we used to.he told me about his coming home to philippines and told me he wants to see me and chance of getting married like what he promise me 2 years ago. Then come sept 2017 he met a girl from the philippines too through chat and months later we seldom talked to each other. I suspected that he is busy talking to this girl. Last christmas he came home but didnt see me and this jan2 2018 i found out that he is already in a relationship with this girl he knew for 3months. I talked to him and confirmed it. I asked if he loves her but he said he dont know if he loves her. I told him i still love him and i know he knew that all the time bacause we have been together 6years on and off then we got back together after 6years on and off again. And after that conversation i have spoke to each other. I still love him how do i get him back. Please help

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to give him the space to figure these things out. He’s emotions may be in a whirl right now because he’s talking to the new girl which provides an exciting and fresh change of pace from what he’s used to. Certain situations like these you can’t control how the other party feels or his intentions. You have to let him go ahead and make the decision on his own, and if the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would eventually come back once he sees the changes you’ve made to yourself from NC.

Ralph
Ralph

My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me just before Christmas. She found out that she was pregnant and we had been trying for almost 2 years. She immediately told me she was not going to have my child because I had not paid to fix the transmission in her car (I did give her $700 to help). Again not wife, but girlfriend. I bought a house in November and we were supposed to move together with her son and my daughter. I asked her to reconsider and she told me she would keep the baby but I was not worth it. Its been almost a month of NC. I still miss her dearly, but she is cold hearted and every conversation I tried to have would become confrontation. I don’t know if I want her back, but I am also concerned as I heard from a mutual friend that she has put on some more weight, and shes a very petite lady, 4’11 109lbs. I am kind of hoping she decided to keep our baby, but I don’t know how much of her meanness i can put u p with and I see how her sons father’s side of the family gets treated by her. In addition shes smoking a smoking hot Russian immigrant, and she used to be my next door neighbor before we ever started dating. The question is first, I cannot make her change her ways…she has to do it. I am no gonna wait on her, but I keep wondering if its even worth it with her. She has been married 5 times in the last 20 years also, so it’s not just me who has a problem with her personality.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, in this situation, it’s really more of your choice on what’s important to you. If she cannot change her personality, and refuses to do so, you’ll have to be prepared to accept it ever there’s a second chance.

Ralph
Ralph

She swings harder that a ride at Disney World, this is not the first time shes broken up with me but I was always the one to try and make it work. But, to relegate a child that I made to a transmission in a car is just pathetic. It hurt me badly as she got a chemisal abortion and dumped me in the span of a week. I did more than probably any man she has ever dated. I am a PhD biologist so I helped her with all of her school work, computer science math and English too, and I personally fixed the AC and radiator in her car. I literally moved into the house that she helped me pick out in November, and I don’t see that she will change anytime soon, but I will keep the NC for 3-4 months and see where she is and if shes mean spirited still, I guess I have to completely let her throw herself to the lions. I have at times gone to the nearby gas station and guys talking about the “Russian lady” that came in with her bathing suit and a towel and obviously it was her, but she has some serious personality issues. I don’t know if you shouldn’t talk about the problems during NC, but I have a paper trail to show that I never once mistreated her and all of the problems she brought to me I lots a potential child in t his and I really feel bad for her son in particular because he’s only 10 and she cannot do algebra. I don’t even know if I want her back, but right now I do very much because for 2 years she was all I had as far as a lady. I never cheated or fooled around on her.

Ralph
Ralph

How long would you suggest no contact? I know there is not a secret recipe, but I just feel that 4 weeks can’t be sufficient as this behaviour keeps coming up. She has been married 5 times. I was to be the 6th. But I also know she can move forward but she won’t forget me for some time. Our sexual chemistry was tit for tat and I hold hope for her change. I just dont know if I should break NC or wait and see if she will.

Somvan
Somvan

Hi, I was dating my girlfriend for 5 years. I had some anger issues and she tried to give me a lot of chances. I failed every time and took her for granted. This September I was about to visit her as we were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. She told me that she wanted to break up and move on as she couldn’t see me changing a bit. I tried to beg and convince her but she showed no emotions. We continued talking but after few days she started talking very rudely and even blocked me on Instagram.i tried to convince her to come back through text messages and kept on trying to talk to her. But she said that she doesn’t want to date me ever again even if I became the best man in the world. Though I didn’t want people or friends to talk to her about me but some did which I think made her more angry at me. I decide to shift to her city and Told her that. She removed my number from contact then I desperately decided to meet her and sent her flowers as secret Santa and decided to go and meet her near her place. But she panicked and she had a team party and there was some scene . She yelled at me and told me to go away and never come back in her life. She even deleted our pictures from her Insta account. Blocked me on every app possible and I haven’t contacted her till now. I sent her a happy new year text but she didn’t reply. I know I screwed up. But now I’m working on my anger issues. We had few physicals fights as well. What should I do? How should I approach this phase and problem in my life. I used to travel every month to her city to meet her. During the break up she would some times talk to me very nicely and sometime very rudely. What do you think I should do ? What should be my approach ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If your anger issues are on the more serious note, I suggest first seeking help before anything. Right now, without actually working on anger management (which definitely takes time), any relationship you go into whether with her or someone else would cause the same issues. She says that she doesn’t want to date you again even if you become the best man in the world, and that’s because she has confidence that you won’t be able to change. Prove her wrong, and win her over again when the opportunity comes. For now, since she’s blocked you off every media, there’s not much you can do but move on and just focus on yourself until the opportunity opens up again.

Troy
Troy

Hi, me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, we were together for 1 and half years. We haven’t seen each other in a month and we have had NC for 3 weeks. Last time she talked to me she said that she misses me and wasn’t sure if she was making a mistake. Since then we have gave each other our space and haven’t had any contact. I have seen other sites recommend minimum 3 weeks. I was going to text her after 3 weeks NC and just see how she was using a reminder text, and slowly build the connection back and see how things go. Is 30 days really recommended?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The difference between 3 weeks and 30 days isn’t huge and typically, it’s meant as a guideline because everyone’s situation is different. Some people require more space than others based on how the breakup happened.

Ricky
Ricky

So my girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. I was so hurt and i kept begging her for two weeks. At first she would tell me it was because something inside her changed and she didn’t want a relationship right now and we could get back together in the future. But as i kept texting her and begging her for the next two weeks, i made it worse and she even told me she doesn’t want me as a friend and she would never date me again one day that i called her and upset her. Do you think she meant these words? Also, i was in no contact for about a week until yesterday when she texted how i was. I broke NC and we had a decent conversation kinda about catching up and i said something funny and she said lol. But now i think I’m more confused and hurting again because i don’t know if she was just contacting me because she feels bad or something. Please help me and ask me questions if you need more info

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Continue with NC as you had planned to, before deciding on how you want to proceed. She may have said those things out of anger and irritation back then because you probably came across as needy and desperate. Give her some space, and since she’s already texted you once, it goes to show that she still has some concern for you.

Maddie
Maddie

My ex and I were on and off for almost a year. Last time we broke it off was oct. But we kept in touch and have hooked up since then. I now live with my parents which is miles away from him. I am doing the no contact rule now. And it has been 12 days. But 3 days ago he liked my poem on ig and viewed my story 2 days in a row. Is there a chance I can still get him back? I was extremely clingy when we broke it off the last time. Is the no contact really going to work? If so how long should it be?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would work as long as your mindset is correct. The whole point of no contact is to work out whatever personal issues you felt caused the relationship to end as well as to pick yourself up from the hurt of the breakup. Our recommendation is around 30 days and if he does love you, when you end the NC period and talk to him, he should still have feelings towards you.

Gavin
Gavin

Hi there,

My ex broke with me after 2yrs, about 10 days ago. She picked up that I wasn’t 100% committed to settling down why her. Truth is I’d love to, but only really seeing that now! Anyway when she broke with me, I went pretty desperate begging her to come back. I am now on NC 5 days. Her birthday and Christmas are coming up. It’s going to be hard to keep the NC. Is it really my best option for getting back together? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, it definitely will be the best option, especially if you had gotten desperate and begged for a second chance. You have to give her some space to let go of that negative impression you made in doing so. Even if her birthday and Christmas is coming, I suggest still continuing with NC until you’ve made some changes and picked yourself up.

Matt Hopkins
Matt Hopkins

I was recently broken up with a month ago, after 8 months or so of “chasing>dating>relationship”. Looking back- we possibly jumped into the relationship too fast, and eventually, i ended up being a doormat/chasing her vs. her chasing me. The team effort went away, and it was very lopsided. I was not challenging her- and she clearly got tired of “routine” After going through the devastation- I am well on my path to bouncing back and becoming my best version.

A few week after the break up, i wrote her a note just letting her know i respect and appreciate her, to avoid any bad blood. After returning from a wedding that we were planned to go to, and celebrating my birthday (without her), I had requested that she give me space, which I thought was implying not to contact me. That was breached a few times which I was thrown off by- whether contact is an issue of hers, or there is something deeper. After 2.5 weeks of no contact on my end, I reached out to let her know it was not acceptable to reach out to me, unless she was ready for a change.

Without reading your content- I left the discussion as “Im out of this and not interested in being your friend. Call me if that changes”

Has the door shut- or is this simply a “time will tell” type situation? I am committed to no contact and solely improving myself and my skills in women/relationships. It’s already been 8 days and I feel much better.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s good that you take no contact seriously. Ultimately, what you do should be dependent on what your goals are. If your goal is to one day get back together with her, you shouldn’t completely shut the door, but to keep her more in suspense and reminiscent of you. Since this has already happened, just complete your NC and recovery before deciding on a subsequent action.

Sophie
Sophie

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for two years. we already had a break for 8 months without contact. At that time he decided to not to talk to me and get some space. We got back together in November last year (when he got in touch with me) and only recently I found out he was cheating on me. I don’t understand why he did it, we didn’t get a chance to talk about it. I broke up with him via txt. He blocked me which is fine with me as currently I feel pain and don’t know if I will be able to trust him again. At the same time I have moments I want him back – it’s like hate and love at the moment however I can’t think of talking to him right now as it will be painful. Do you think this no contact rule can make him to contact me one day again? Im not sure myself if I want him to contact me but I do wonder if this works for those who cheated and if the relationship can be ever restored as by reading different articles cheating is serious and affect a relationship that it’s hard to recover from it. What are your thoughts/advise please?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi There,

it’s normal to feel conflicted over wanting him back and forgiving him in these situations. No contact isn’t entirely meant for him to contact you but for you to recover from the break up and the pain, so that you’re able to make a rational decision at the end of it after you’ve recovered with regards to whether you want him back or not. He may or may not contact you during this time, depending on how he feels and whether he’s still sleeping with other people.

MG
MG

hi my ex and i have been together for 9 years and she left me for a man and we broke up last oct 17.. but in between the break up we still talk. because she said that i am her bestfriend and i believe that she has broken up with the man that she left me for. up until now we still communicate though she blocks on her phone me every morning and talk to me at night. is it too late to try the 30 day no contact rule? i want her back and im worried that if i totally ignore her then i wont be able to win her back. we are in the same sex relationship. does the 30 day no contact rule apply to same sex relationships? or should i just move on.. pls advise

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, NC applies regardless of same sex or different. It’s strange that she only contacts you at night but blocks you in the mornings. You might want to find out why, probably after NC, and if it’s the reason that she has something to hide, you might want to consider walking away from this.

Alec
Alec

My name is Alec. Me and my girlfriend broke up after 1.5 years. I lied and she said she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I know I messed up and I told her that. She asked for space and I’m on day 3 of no contact. I’m worried that she won’t contact me at all during the 30 days. And it’s so hard cause everything bad that could happen is going through my head. She still loves me and cares. I’m also deployed and won’t be back for 4 more months. Any advise

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Don’t let your instincts get the better of you. It honestly shouldn’t matter whether she contacts you or not during this period, since the goal of it is to give each other space, and for both parties to let go of any negative emotions or hurt they may have. At least after the NC period, you’re able to approach her again with new found confidence and a changed perspective and she may have forgiven you by then for lying.

Michael Marshall
Michael Marshall

Hi i had been with my ex for 11 years and have been broken up for 7 weeks is it too late to start my no contact even if she has blocked me on fb and everything else and tells me she hates me even though i know she doesn’t is it to late ??

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If NC is able to pick your emotions back up again, then no it’s not too late. Right now she may say she hates you (whether she does or not is a different story), but that may subside with time, which is the goal of NC – to let time pass, give both parties space to recover and grow, before figuring out if you still want it to work or not.

ronin
ronin

Hello
My original message didn’t show up.

P.S. Day 7 of no contact. She called me but I didn’t answer. Please advise!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey there,

Complete NC to your best ability and use that time to focus on yourself. If the reason she called was anything other than an important issue which required your involvement, I suggest not answering and if you need to, be honest and just tell her you need some space to work on yourself.

Ethan T.
Ethan T.

My girlfriend of 4 years and I just broke up 2 days ago and i want to be committed to the no contact rule but her birthday is next week. Is it a bad idea to just send her a text saying “happy birthday”? Would that break the no contact rule?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you really want to, you can drop her a text to wish her but it’s best not to engage in small talk beyond that.

Ethan T.
Ethan T.

Thank you very much.

Taylor
Taylor

Hi,
So a brief background on my ex and I. We were together for almost 3 years then he broke up with me because he started questioning whether he wanted this anymore, he was very conflicted and I think he is worried because he had never been with anyone else and he feels like he is missing out on the college experience by having a serious gf. He kept saying he still loves and cares for me and he never wants me out of his life and he wants to be friends, etc. after we first broke up we continued talking and we met up a few times and talked and he said multiple times “I think one day I might want to get back together just not yet”. We hooked up and stayed friends for a while, then I asked for another chance and we have it a week of dating and it went perfectly in my eyes and everything was back to being the same but at the end of the week he broke up with me again and said “I just don’t want a relationship” and he told me there was nothing I could say or do to change that. I love him so much and I want to get back together and I am worried I messed up by not doing the no contact rule to begin with. Since we broke up 3 days ago I haven’t spoken to him except once when we ran into one another on campus and we spoke for about an hour just catching up. Is it too late for me to have a chance at getting back together? Could the no contact rule still possibly work on showing him that he misses me and we have something special?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, I think right now he’s at the stage where he wants to have fun and explore. It may not be something that’s within your control, so it might be better to apply NC with the intention of focusing on yourself and recovering from any hurt you feel. Him missing you should only come as a bonus. It really depends on his level of emotional maturity, and if a guy isn’t ready to settle down, even if you guys get back together, he will still bring up the same reason to break up down the road.

Tim
Tim

My girlfriend and I had been together for going on 8 years. The past two and a half years we have been on and off since her mother passed away and things got really difficult. Her father then passed away last year and she has been even more of a wreck. I try my best to be there for her but every few months she breaks up with me and tells me that she is scared to let anyone get close anymore because everyone just ends up leaving her anyway. We got back together and she promised me it was forever this time and said she couldn’t wait to get married so I bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her next month. She broke up with me three weeks ago again and both of us have been fairly mean to each other and she tells me that it is over. I have heard these things from her before but she has always ended up coming back to me. I truly love this girl and really want to spend my life with her, but how many times can I allow her to break up and come back together before I say enough is enough? Each and every time, I am the one who ends up hurt and she goes out and parties like everyday. I understand she has went through a traumatic experience but is it fair for her to continuously push me out of her life and then pull me back in at her convenience? Do you think the no contact rule will help her to realize that one of these days I am not going to come back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hey Tim,

What I can advise you from my experience is that yes, she’s had it tough and has every reason to be scared to let anyone get close. At the same time however, it’s also a convenient excuse to use to walk away from anything that becomes too difficult for her to face. If you really love her and want to spend your life with her, it’s something that you will have to learn to accept (especially if she does not see it as a problem), if not, like you say, it’s not fair to you as well to continuously get hurt and pushed away. No contact may help if you guys have a strong relationship and she’s dependent on you but if not, as someone who has an escapism mentality, she may end up walking away too.

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