If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do.

In fact, No Contact may be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do, especially if you and your ex were together for a long time. Why must you put yourself through it when you already know it’s going to be extremely hard? Is it really worth it? How and why does it work? In this article, we will talk about all these questions and help you figure out if doing no contact is the right choice for you.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

no contact to get your ex back

Contacting your ex in any way is going to mess up your chances of getting back together.

You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

  • No Text Messages
  • No phone calls
  • No going over to their house
  • No accidentally bumping into them
  • No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
  • No contacting them via your mutual friends
  • No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

don't call ex and feel betterAs I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back or get your ex girlfriend back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

To get more info about why you should do no contact, read this article.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

Physical Activity

working outThe no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

  • Yoga
  • Gym
  • Any type of Sports that you enjoy
  • Crossfit
  • Jogging

Social Activities

shopping with friendsEven though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.
3.

Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

  • Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
  • Meditation
  • Spa
  • Massage
  • A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

Obsessing Over Your Ex

Obsessing Over Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

FAQs about the No Contact Rule

In this section, we will explore some of the most frequently asked question about the No Contact Rule.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text your ex or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

  1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
  2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
  3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
  4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

  1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
  2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
  3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if  my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

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1216 comments ...add one

  • Mb

    Yeah hiya well basically my girlfriend broke up with me a week ago and we been together nearly 6years I told her how I felt and that lot but I feel like I pushed her away but I really want her back what do I do about it now will the NC work still for me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It still would work because its unlikely that she would move on so soon after breaking up, considering that you were together with her for the last 6 years.

      Reply
  • Somen

    Hello Kevin, it’s nice to read your article. My girlfriend had a boyfriend of a six years relationship before indulging with me for 3 months. But now she moved back to the earlier guy. Please help to regain her back

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If this was the case, there's a strong chance that you were a rebound relationship and in which case, it might be a better idea to consider moving on because it's hard to compete against 6 years worth of memories and she is definitely going to be more invested with her ex than she would be towards you.

      Reply
  • Marcus

    Hello, my girlfriend broke up with me a week ago due to my insecurities pushing her away. Tonight i somehow stumbled upon her hooking up with a guy. She texted me later saying that she knows that i knew about it, and i said i felt kinda disappointed since she had kinda lied. She said i had to right to make her feel bad. Which wasn’t my point. So it didn’t end terrible because i didn’t really care too much that she hooked up with him. I’m just wondering where i should go from here. I had started no contact once we broke up, she had contacted twice since then, and then tonight.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since it has only been a week, I suggest going back into no contact and if she reaches out again, let her know that you need time to process the breakup before you're ready to continue talking to her.

      Reply
  • Nora

    After 37 days of no contact, on Oct 30, my ex contacted me and asked me to meet with him on Oct 31 because "we need to talk". I only replied: "ok no problem, tomorrow you let me know the details". On Oct 31 at 10am he wrote: "Hi! Good morning! I just remembered today is Halloween, I don't want you to risk yourself in the streets late at night just because of me. Lets postpone the conversarion for another day". I only replied: "Sure, no problem". My impression is that his pride was so hurt, because he contacted me first, that he had to call the meeting off just to heal a little or maybe To make me find a solution or ask him not to cancel our appointment. I've been wondering if my ex is a narcissist, and I feel like what just happened is a bad sign. I need advice.

    Reply
  • Dalina

    Hi!
    Firstly thanks for the article, it’s given me a lot of direction in the breakup but also a sense of hope (not sure if it’s a good or bad thing hope LOL).
    So I just wanted to ask for your opinion.. it’s been a month since the breakup and he’s completely ignored me and was gradually cutting me out of his life like every week he’d cut me off his socials. I’ve messaged him 2 times since the breakup and last contact 2 weeks ago but I did drive pass his place on Saturday (there was no interaction but he might’ve known I was there) during a low point. I’m going to commit to no contact from today.. but is it worth the hope that one day we can talk if he’s been ignoring me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well you could give it a shot but I'd advise you to be mentally prepared for the worst because when he chose to ignore you, there could be a variety of possible reasons and if he chooses not to reply you still after you've taken the steps we recommend here, perhaps it would a better idea to consider letting go.

      Reply
  • Eugenia

    Hi Kevin,
    My relationship is almost a year everything was going excellently well even better than the beginning but I just found out that he is cheating on me, I confronted him but he got angry that i went through his messages then cut the call. We haven’t spoken for two weeks now. Automatically we are on the no contact rule. I am just confused and very hurt, I really don’t know what to do but i am not contacting him.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you found out he was cheating and his immediate response is anger instead of trying to apologize or make things up, then he may not be worth staying on for, because he doesn't even realize that he is in the wrong regardless of the circumstances.

      Reply
  • Amv33

    So i dated a guy for five months and he didn't want to take things to a more exclusive level even tho he acted like he did so i cut off contact. Seven weeks later he came back around and we slowly started getting back into how we were before but this time he was really saying more things and acting like he wanted to get serious that made me say that if we were doing this again we're shouldn't date other people and just focus on dating eachother and then he told me he can't commit. I recently discovered he's a functional alcoholic because he told me. Anyway I started no contact again is been three days I blocked him off everything. He keeps sending me messages that he misses me he cares about me but I think it's b.s . I think he's a mess and just stringing me along

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's best that you figure it out for certain whether he's stringing you along or not because the last thing you'd want is to push him away only to regret later on if he genuinely decides to give up and walk away.

      Reply
  • Dee

    What if that ex has blocked you on all social media? The only way I have of contacting him is via text/phone (unless he's blocked that too). No reason for it either....he just did it and it hurt.

    will no contact still work in this case?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The main point of no contact beyond giving him space is to also give yourself some space and distance from the entire situation, so that you're able to pick yourself up emotionally from everything that has happened and focus on making changes in your life without any distraction. I still recommend it nonetheless, even if he has blocked you on social media or phone.

      Reply
  • Billy

    Thanks for a nice article
    I will be glad if you a little attention to my case to help me. Have spent 2 and half years with my girlfriend and she broke up with me recently because she wanna focus on life for now but i was needy and pleading not to cut of this relationship because i cherish it so much so she said she needs space and time for herself even though she feels nothing for me right now but she don't no yet if she has lost interest in me. i left home to be myself and today is my second day of NC....i did blocked her from contacting me but i unblocked her . what do i do now if she text back cause she she posted she finds it difficult to get me out of her heart . Am sticking to your article So Good helping me now thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Its normal for someone to miss their ex and the habits that no longer remain after breaking up with them, but it doesn't mean that the issue of her wanting space to figure things out isn't there. If you respond to her and give her closure every time she misses you and reaches out, once her emotions are calmed down, she will revert back to her old thoughts and feel uncertain about the relationship again. That's why it might be a better idea to simply focus on NC and ensure that she gets past this phase or it'll be something that may come back to bug you again down the road.

      Reply
  • Justin Spaak

    Hey, so my ex broke up with me last friday, saying that she couldn't love me for 100%. But she said she will be there for me all the time. Now (wednesday) she wants to have little to no contact for a while because she thinks that i still want her. (This is obviously true). But she wants to be friends. What should i do in this situation for trying to win her back? Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Agree to her suggestion of no contact because that is probably the best option to take right now as part of your plan to eventually win her back. Follow our guidelines in this article and in the main 5-step plan article on no contact and what you should do in order to work things out with her.

      Reply
  • Jim

    I wanted to know from you,what's the impact on the "no contact rule" in an ex girlfiend? How does the "no contact rule" influence in the mind of an ex which dumped you? Is it true what most experts say,that she will begin to forget the bad nemories and remember the good ones? Is it true she well miss the person she dumped and if so,how long does it take if breaking up was not violent and if just 10 days before the brakeup,she used to say "I love you very much"???? Becouse this is what happened to me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Time heals wounds, even emotional ones and while she may not have completely forgiven you or forgotten about what you did, the memories wouldn't be as fresh or raw after time has passed. If the relationship was a meaningful one and there were many positive memories from it, it wouldn't be that easy to let go fully because right now the decision to break up is fueled by a build up of recent negative events or emotions. By going into no contact, once she begins to let go of those negative memories, she may begin to miss you and start reminiscing about those positive memories instead and what you had together as a couple. The time it takes for each person varies, and it also would depend again on how meaningful her relationship was with you.

      Reply
  • Nora

    Hi, after 13 days with no contact a wnt to a party with my sister. As we were entering the place she stopped a little to tell me my ex was there. I did'nt see him, but he did see I was there. He left the place immediately. Should I count that "encounter" as a if the "no contact" was broken? Should I start again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No you don't have to restart no contact and can simply continue on, especially since there was no interaction.

      Reply
  • pete

    Hello, i met this girl at work and connected immediatelly, we where friends for a few month and it got more than just friendship a few months later. we became very close together and did not leave our side for a while. a time down the road she found her own place but decided to move in with her ex, when the move was done and months before she was thinking that she made a mistake by moving in with him up until when she was living with him also. we saw eachother always even if she was living with hom. she did not want to get back to him so she treated him as a room mate. recently things have changed and she became closer to him and drifted appart from me. yesterday she came to see me and we where getting very close until we where both nake in bed, she paniqued and left. she told me that it looked like she was going to be back with the ex. i'm wondering if NC would work for me at this point, from what she told me, the relationship with the ex is not perfect and i am not sure if it will last. i just have no clue what to do now

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might have to accept the reality that you could have been the rebound for her previous relationship. If she does decide to get back with her ex, there isn’t much you can do honestly but respect her decision and try moving on because ultimately you weren’t in a proper relationship with her yet and it’s easier for her to let go of you than it would be for her ex.

      Reply
  • Vitor

    Hello! First a quick thanks, this article is helping me stay whole.
    If you could spare some of your time with my case, I'd be eternally grateful!
    There are lots of details that I'd love to write here, but I don't want to push.

    Basically I met my girlfriend 9 years ago and we've been together ever since. No cheating, never hurting hard each other. But I think I was never seeking her too much and asking to be with her. Well, this last year we were pretty much not good to each other (when we were together it was always so good, but not so much when we were away, by text) so we decided to break for a month after having a very single good week. Two weeks in I gave up and ran to her.

    What I heard basically was that she was fine and that 2 weeks was just enough of a time, but since I demanded an answer, it was that we were "more like friends maybe" and she "wasn't missing me YET, maybe if a full month went by things could be different" so "we should split". She sent an audio basically saying that she admires me, my family, how I am a good person and all that, saying that we were on different moments of our lives. She even said that maybe after some time we can be alligned (in our objectives) and get back together (I don't think that love ever died). She also said that we should learn to live alone. We met the day after and pretty much the whole talk was repeated with more context and explanation. We hugged each other a lot, she almost kissed me like we were together (out of habit), called me by our nickname... when I brought her back home we wouldn't stop hugging and crying out of my car.

    Now I don't know how much I should wait (I haven't contected her for a week now)... She said she wanted to be my friend and as friends maybe get back together one day! She IS definitely the love of my live.

    Thanks for reading!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should try to go about at least a Month without contacting her because you’ll want to prove to yourself first and foremost that you’re capable of handling whatever outcome before reaching out, otherwise there’s a good chance you’ll end up getting hurt.

      Reply
  • Grace

    This is the second time I am going to do this no contact thing...Few months ago I had a terrible fight with a guy I have situationship with wherein I threw and broke his phone. My fault. He asked for space and I gave it. But not even a week when he communicated and I gave in. We started to see each other again. Until yesterday when I saw on facebook that the stone I gave him, he gave to the same girl I caught him exchanging sweet nothings on whatsapp before. I was so furious so I sent him a message that I hate him. I told him what I found out. He replied saying I am a dangerous person. I should stop seeing him. I apologised for what I have said and voluntarily told him I am stepping back. He said he appreciates me very much but my jealous attitude he cant stand. He cant trust me anymore. I know I messed up. I acted like I have the right. I let the green monster of jealousy grow. I fed it very well. Now, I am going to do no contact. I will do it for my own sanity. The article is right, being with the person you cared for is like an addiction. I hope this time, this no contact process will help me. I want to gain his trust again but more than that, I want to be a better version of me

    Reply
  • Afshan

    Hey ryan me and ex boyfriend was in relationship from 2014 then we had a breakup he cheated on me then he came back like in a month and we patched up and got engaged after that we stayed in a engaged for 2 years and we had a lot of fights and then we again broke up 3 months back his family is forcing him to break the engagement and he is also confused about me I started the no contact rule a week ago and he contacted me I mistakenly picked his call and act desperately and needy and then again he changed his mind and said he is confused his family is also against our engagement then I texted him that he didn’t did good with me and I stopped contacting him since three days but didn’t blocked him now I want him back I don’t know what to do please help me sir I want to marry him

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with no contact for now, to avoid getting desperate or needy when he reaches out. Let him clear his thoughts without the involvement of your negative actions pushing him away, and if the relationship was a meaningful one, there's a good chance where he ends up missing you and reaches out. You're going to have to spend some time as well figuring out what went wrong in the relationship and work on those areas so that you give him a reason to come back when he sees the changes.

      Reply
  • Riz

    Hello! I just interested to your article about how to get ex back. I just break a month ago but we still met in some moments, the last I met her was a week ago. In a month after break, we still contact each other but the condition is hot-and-cold. Sometimes she contacted me first but when I reply, she became cold and not reply my message. I have a question, especially about no-contact strategy. Could i do those strategy after the condition? And when the no-contact phase was ended, should I initiate to contact her or wait until she contact me? Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, no contact would still work here and you should reach out after no contact since she wouldn't know when your no contact phase ends, so you can't expect her to be waiting around to reach out.

      Reply
  • John

    Hey,
    Thanks for the great post. My girlfriend and I were in a relationship for almost 6 years. We were pretty much each others only friends. We spent so much time together and did everything together. During the relationship I loved her, but unhappy with myself. I felt like my life was just going to be doing what she wanted. We both had massive insecurities and confidence issues. We tried to build each other up and we did, but the relationship got stagnant.
    I broke up with her about a month ago telling her that I thought we were holding each other back. I was making progress and didn't want to feel like she was dragging me down. I felt like neither of us would get better if we had the other to rely on. We didn't talk to each other for a week. Then she texts me saying she doesn't want me out of her life, a few days later I tell her I still love her and want her back. She tells me she doesn't want the relationship to be the same. She doesn't want to depend on me for everything.
    We're still friends, good freinds, but recently I wrote her a letter and tried to win her back. We had just slept together 2 weeks ago. I thought she wanted the relationship again. But she said, she can't access her feelings or emotions right now and that she needs space and time to think.
    I fear that I'll lose her. She seems to be doing well with her life. I don't stalk her or anything, but we talk and she seems to have moved on just fine. I feel dumb for asking her out again. I feel like an emotional wreck. She says she still loves e and very much wants me in her life, but is not ready for a relationship and that she wants to be secure in herself first. I know that I need to work on a lot of things personally before I'm ready for a relationship as well. Should I apply no contact? She says we should be friends and I don't want to do this just to win her back but I also don't want her to just view me as a friend. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be better to go into no contact to at least set out to accomplish what you had instilled into both her and your mind during the break up of not constantly having to rely on each other and to work on the insecurities and confidence issues before reaching out again. You probably decided back then and knew it was for the best, but ended up getting cold feet along the way for the fear that she would leave permanently. By doing this and asking her back, you may end up pushing her away because she begins to see it for herself that both parties will never get past this issue if you're always going to cling on to the familiar.

      Reply
  • Alen

    Hey! I aprreciate the posts, it really helps with withdrawal. Story is a bit complicated, so a small outline... I am 30, she is 20 and her brother is one of my best friends. She and I always had strong feelings of attraction and we started dating mid 2017., it was amazing, she also moved in after 3 months (I know... a mistake).
    January this year (7 months after) I started having doubts because of her age and possible future together. I figured it was the end of honeymoon phase and I was struck with reality. I managed my doubts up untill June where I was under a lot of stress and debilitating anxiety. I tried communicating, porely though (I didn't want to lose her), that I am insecure about our future and that we do not share common goals. (I wanted kids after she finished college, when she's 25, and she is more into her career and travel...law). I made her cry, still can't forgive my self...Also that created a bit distance but eventualy with her initiative we reconeccted. At the beginig of July she went for summer vacation with her friends and few weeks after when I joined her she said she loves me but has no feelings for me, she was attracted by someone and soon after broke up with me.
    I tought it was for the best, she needs some space and we can reconect in the future, but 8 weeks later I still feel very bad. I do love her, I belive we share a lot of common values, but I can't accept that the reason could be just wrong timing, she's my 10 out of 10... Last time we spoke was 2 weeks ago, bringing her back her stuff... I also saw her with another guy, partying with friends and can't belive how well she's doing...I know, selfish from me. I still belive like she's the one (rationaly I know there are others), and I love a lot more things aboout her than I don't. I know it's my mind playing games but it is hard for me to figure things out.
    Sorry for the long post, no contact is the way the go? Any advice about my situation in general?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she has moved on since the breakup and is now going out, dating around, and generally having fun with her life, my question here is why aren't you? There are definitely things that you have not dealt with since the breakup and the only way for you to do so is if you distance yourself from her right now and focus on yourself first. If you had not moved forward emotionally and mentally, your chances of winning her back are honestly not going to be strong, because all she would see if you ever reached out is the same person she fell out of love with. Given the difference in age, it's possible that timing will always potentially be an issue since the frequencies and goals may be different for both of you, so it's something you'll have to think through as well and decide if you are able to accept it.

      Reply
  • Olivia

    Hello. i am in need of some help as i feel my situation is tricky. about 2 weeks ago i kissed somebody who was not my bf when i was on a night out with my friends. I had only just met the guy and will never see him again. I told my bf 2 days later and he broke up with me. I didnt he would as we have been together for 2.5years and have never really had any other major issues. I met up with him 2 days ago and he seems no longer angry about it. i expressed how sorry i am and how much i regretted it and he said he believes i am however he is still unable to change his mind. His reasoning is that it’s the worst thing i could have done and he has always told himself in the past if it was to happen that would be the end. (i’m his first gf). So now it has happened it feels like he has automatically said no straight away without really thinking. When i met him we was together for the whole day kissing and cuddling (i was hoping this would make a difference) and he said how much he has missed me and that he loves me a lot. He said it’s okay if we text but the end result is we are broken up.
    Initially, after i told him i gave him space (to think it over) but he seemed to completely make his mind up without any questions asked and is now sticking to it. I feel confused and i don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.
    So do i use the no contact phase? we have text a few times since i saw him a couple days ago but it hurts to text him as he seems fine and it feels like he is getting over it, or at least not as upset as i am. our texts are chatty and he doesn’t bring it to an end.
    I’m sorry this may be long! Don’t really know what to do, advice appreciated. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Consider going into no contact by dropping him a text or letter that you figured that both parties need space right now to process everything, you were sorry it happened and things had to end, and you'd like for him to forgive you at some point - which may be harder to do if he's constantly in contact with you and reminded of the incident.

      Reply
  • Kenna

    Hi, sorry this is going to be kind of a long explanation but I need some help. My ex and I dated a little over five months when I decided to break up with him. His past girlfriend had cheated on him, so he had lots of trust issues. We are both in college and also didn't have many friends aside from each other, so we hung out a lot and his feelings were hurt if I wanted some time to myself. When this summer came along, we both moved back to our hometowns and I broke up with him because I wanted some freedom. I know he was heartbroken, but I still tried to cut him out of my life (which I feel bad about now). Now that college has started again and we both moved back, we hung out a couple times. I felt he had changed and grown a lot over the summer, and I saw him as someone that I could date again. We discussed a lot that had gone wrong in our relationship and how they could be fixed. That night during the conversation I did say something that hurt his feelings- that I wanted to take it slow and maybe still kind of talk to other people, but he felt like backup plan. So the next day he had a talk with his friend and didn't talk to me much for a couple days, and when I brought it up he said everything was over between us but we could still be friends. Now I'm the one that's heartbroken because I thought things were going well and I'd have him back. Now about a week later, we talked again and I apologized for being upset that he is just trying to be happy, and we talked some more things out. But now he is already seeing someone else. They aren't dating yet, but he said she makes him really happy. I am trying to hide the fact that I am extremely sad about it, and we have been in a little bit of contact still, as we're still kind of friends. Today his mom and grandma are in town (I have a good relationship with them) so we are going to get coffee, but after that I am starting no contact with my ex. I think I can grow and change over this time, but my biggest worry is that this isn't a rebound and they are going to end up dating a long time. I still love him but I want him to be happy. I'm just wondering if you thing there is any hope for us in the future and if you have any thoughts on what I should do. Thank you in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you had a meaningful relationship with him before this, there's always hope and a chance still. It's just a matter of how you act in the upcoming weeks that would determine the strength of that chance. You're going to have to pick yourself up from this hurt, and grow too as he has done to become a woman that he desires and wants to be with. It's likely that the next person most people get together with after a serious relationship is a rebound, but regardless, you should still focus on simply improving as a person so that it wouldn't really matter who he's talking to, because you already have an advantage of previously having a connection and bond with him.

      Reply
  • John

    Hey Ryan, hope you can help me with this one.
    My girlfriend left me yesterday after a four day kind of break in which she desired to feel “free” (single) and see if that made her happier than being with me. She left me mainly because I was controlling at times, and I acknowledged my behavior and was trying to change it, and was making changes, but she didn’t see the changes the way I did.

    Now she’s single and happier than ever, and she says she doesn’t love me anymore the way she used to. That crazy as life is, hell knows if we’ll get back together in 3 months or 10 years, but right now she doesn’t want to be in a relationship; she wants to be single, maybe hook up with guys and find herself.

    I’m applying the no contact rule now, after reading a few of your articles. She contacted me (probably because I told her yesterday that I need her to do so, so I didn’t tumble down) but today I woke up thinking I didn’t want to talk to her for a long while.

    Now I wonder if my situation is different from that you describe, cause it’s not like she’s unhappy or sad now, she’s relieved and happy to be single, and it may stay like that for a long while until she finds someone else!

    What do you think?

    Thank you in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The feeling of wanting to explore and be single is often a phase that certain people go through, and usually comes from feelings of not wanting any regrets later on in life. She may seem happier now, but this feeling is usually short lived and she might end up seeking comfort in the opposite sex when it happens. It just depends on whether you’re there for her at that stage or would’ve moved on/no longer talking to her by then.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The feeling of wanting to explore and be single is often a phase that certain people go through, and usually comes from feelings of not wanting any regrets later on in life. She may seem happier now, but this feeling is usually short lived and she might end up seeking comfort in the opposite sex when it happens. It just depends on whether you’re there for her at that stage or would’ve moved on/no longer talking to her by then.

      Reply
  • Jules

    My now ex just recently broke up with me because of commitment issue-type reasoning, such as "not having enough energy for the relationship" and "feeling like he's not contributing enough and that it isn't fair to me". He also said he would be down to just be friends again. The last time I contacted him was the breakup, and it's been two days since then, and I haven't contacted him. I know about the no contact rule which I am beginning my journey in, and that I need to focus on myself at the moment, but I need to know how exactly to reconnect with him once the no contact period is over, and in turn get him back.

    Reply
  • Austin

    Hey, my ex girlfriend recently ended things. I have not talked to her since we ended but we did end about as friendly as two could. My question has to do with the NC rule, right after the breakup I was a bit needy and clingy and lots of other things I realized I’m doing wrong but anyway I asked if I could contact her and she said not till I’m back in school. I go back about a week before the date I have marked to end no contact but I’m wondering if the no contact period should start after I get back or if all this time in between also counts towards my 30 days. I considered doing an extra week to make 2 weeks after I go back so she sees some no contract. I don’t want to just give her what she expects and contact her soon. After reading every article on this site I’ve made lots of improvements and I see my instincts have been wrong before so I’d just like an idea of how to proceed. I believe I already know the way I will contact her after(elephant text) and the things I believe caused the breakup and how I can fix it. Thank you for reading and hope to hear back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, perhaps avoid contacting her so soon, and 2 weeks after you return sounds like a good time to see if she would contact you first. Perhaps make your presence known through social media that you're back in town as well where she might chance upon it.

      Reply
  • MRP

    Ryan, you have helped me in the past and have always been spot-on! I need your help once again in this interesting situation.

    About 14yrs ago, I competed in a sporting event and amongst my fans was a 13yr old girl who's parents asked if I would be kind enough to take a picture with her as she had a "girl-crush". Anyhow, years went by and eventually I got the add on Facebook, and she was no longer a little girl, but now quite an interesting and beautiful woman.

    For the past couple of years, I have been trying to open-up the doors of conversation, but to no avail as rightfully-so she was hesitant since we really didn't know each other. Last week we arranged to have a catch-up type date and I took her a really nice restaurant and she looked stunning. We had great conversation and she was very elegant and classy. (no kiss or anything).

    Then for the following week, .. our conversation improved dramatically, .. responding right away to messages, .. leaving voice-notes, and better and deeper conversation. She knows that I like her a lot and would love to get to know her and pursue her. (She has told me that she has been single for 7 years.)

    The one thing that has been quite frustrating is that she NEVER EVER initiates the conversation. If I write her, she will respond, but if I don't write her, days or even weeks will go by without a conversation.

    In order to change this, I let a few days go by and I had a cute teddy bear sent to her work. She was very happy to receive this, and since she is busy with work, .. she was supposed to write me later so we can chat on the phone. A couple of days go by and nothing. I was feeling a bit sad about this.

    So I posted a video of me competing on Instagram and she liked the photo and commented on Instamessage how she remembers how I played. Conversation ensued and she said that she feels a bit "impacted" by all the nice things to her like sweety, cutie, love, etc. and she is a bit afraid. She told me she is a "normal" girl and how could I feel these things for her? I told her everything I saw in her that I liked.

    She then said that she didn't feel the same way, and that she knows I'm such a good guy (the best she has ever dated in a long time) but she can't bring herself to give the same affection. She also said that maybe I have shown her too-much too-quickly and that she's confused. She said she would like to get to know me at a calmer pace. I was understanding of this and agreed with her, and also said, if you don't see this going anywhere, that's fine too, we can just be friends and leave it at that. She said no, she isn't shutting the doors on us getting to know each other, she just wants to slow-down the pace and some of the love-type comments. She said that she LOVED the teddy bear, but feels bad she can't respond the same way back to me.

    I also asked, if it bothered her that I write her, since I am always initiating conversation, and she said that I never bother her, she is just a very distracted person with work and such going on. I also reiterated that she can always say hello to me as well every once in a while, and that's where we ended up yesterday.

    Now, what do I do? I really want this girl, and I have honestly played it as cool-guy as possible, .. I want to get to know her, and I want her to have feelings for me as well, but this is all long-distance as well. Should I get into daily conversation of getting to know each other, interesting questions, etc. or let some days go by (which I feel has not worked at all). Should I post anything specific on Instagram?..

    Please help, I am head over heels for this chick.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to play any mind games or such with her (IG posts), because she genuinely seems like a nice and humble girl. I would suggest simply going along at her pace since she has not been in a relationship for 7 years and jumping into one so quickly must have probably scared her. You don't to be over affectionate or sweet or the 'dream guy', but simply be yourself and slowly learn more about her as well and how she's like. If you now know that her not initiating conversation isn't because she doesn't care but simply because she's distracted with work, you can always continue to start the conversations and get her used to it, so that she would eventually reciprocate the effort (even if it's on a minimal level).

      Reply
  • Matt

    So my 2 years old relationship just ended up for unfair reason to me. We really had sweet and healthy relationship tho, there was no any serious problem between me and my girl but the only biggest issue was her jealousy . I tried to stayed away from girls as far as I can ..not even contact with my female friends since I'm in love with her.She meant everything to me. And lately..she been addicted about me like when we go out and if she see I looked at some girl accidently ..She not satisfied and keep thinking about that for some days.. that's still okay I understand . The problem is even if she had a nightmare about me with other girl..she can't sleep for that night anymore and keep thinking about it till next morning.She also know that I never cheated on her. Lately, her situation was worst bcoz there were some new girls in my office that she couldn't sleep for some nights :( its not the first time tho, she often suffered from this since she start being over jealous and addicted about. She got to hospital after last nights without sleep and worrying about me. When she could speak, she told me that she's really afraid of being like that now,if she hear my voice,see my face ..she will keep fall in love more than now and she already forgetting how to live her own life .She pushed me away and asked to leave her. I tried all my best to get her back but realized that its not working..she said I'm scaring her. Even if somebody used the perfume similar to mine and she tend to run away. I felt so helpless , hopeless and tend to Google and found these articles. She is the right one for my life. I can't lose her from my life 😭so I've been improving myself and its 22nd days that I'm not contacting her.. am I doing correct way? I'b be really appreciate for ur reply and advice ☺

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to reconsider your options as it definitely seems like she needs therapy for her jealousy and insecurities. Otherwise, it doesn't look like its something that would change and even if you win her back this time, you may face the same issue again sometime later if she doesn't do anything to at least work on these aspects.

      Reply
  • Becky

    So my ex and I started having issues about the last 8 months of our 2.5 year relationship. Recently I decided to let things go and then realized I made a mistake. So yesterday I was in an accident I called him because I was freaked out. He ended up hanging up on me and I decided no contact with him. Well this morning at 8:20 am he called me to make sure I was ok. I haven't replied in any form or manner. I'm confused.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Reply that you're okay, and continue with no contact to allow some time to pass before you consider your choices again on whether to contact him or not.

      Reply
  • Steveo

    Hi,
    2 year on/off relationship with my girlfriend. She suffers from trust issues and has had bad relationships in the past. She knows after all this time I am different and does trust me. She has ended the relationship several times in 2 years and usually I beg her back and we get back together. We have a very close connection and she can be the nicest person and then something upsets her and she cuts me out. Like she hates me. She can be absolutely horrible. That used to happen monthly. About 6 months ago we broke up after a horrible argument and we cut contact, I sent occasional message to say I hope she was OK but minimal... then naturally I just stopped messaging and after about 4 or 5 days she made contact (no contact from her for about 3/4 weeks after that breakup)

    We've had 6 months of a nice relationship, hardly no arguments or breaking up (well maybe a week or two of her giving me the silent treatment)... we have issues that are hard to resolve with our kids from previous relationship which means we sometimes spend the odd weekend apart and this is a massive issue for her... she thinks I don't want her round my kids or family and says I am not proud of her... then she threatens to meet someone else who is. 5 days ago after no arguments and even after we made love all night she just texts me saying its not what she wants anymore that the relationship is shit.
    I asked her if she wanted me to stop contact and she said yes... (This is quite a common response) Ive since messaged her once saying the usual "I miss you" stuff but then after reading this I am going to go cold Turkey. I dont know why but this break up feels a bit different. She definitely loves me still. I want her forever and will try the 30 days. I dont know what to do if she contacts me an I ignore her.

    Is it worth giving this a go?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It definitely sounds like she does have trust issues and carries a lot of baggage from previous experiences. However, that shouldn't be the constant excuse made each time something goes wrong. After 2 years of being together, she still hasn't made a strong attempt to at least acknowledge and work on those trust issues and seems to be walking all over you whenever the relationship goes sour. Every relationship is bound to have its share of arguments and fights, but threatening to leave as emotional blackmail (or actually walking out on impulse) is severely unhealthy.

      Reply
  • roy

    Can a married couple, husband or wife get a second married if and when no contact has been made for a number of years, say 5 years?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll probably have to win her heart all over, and the chances of getting her back is dependent on how she responds to that.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    Hi Everyone, I need a bit of insight with this situation. I have been in an off-again/on-again kind of relationship with my ex for the last year. Prior to this, we did not speak for over a year. Prior to that we were exclusive for 1yr. In between that we remained emotionally connected, and neither of us ever dated anyone properly.

    Long story short, after a year apart, I somehow ended up in a situation where we were together without the title (FWB). We would go on elaborate expensive dates, 2-3 night trips, and talk all day long. The moment we would get close to getting back together, he backed off saying he doesnt know, and would throw in my face we are just sex friends. He even professed his love for me staying he wants to get back together but then changed his mind 3 weeks later. Eventually I got fed up and told him we want different things, and I'm not interested in speaking to him if he is not interested in being exclusive. I have implimented the no contact rule for a whopping 45days now, and it’s been completely fine. I went on 3 dates with 3 different men who absolutely adored me (realizing I’m perfectly fine how I am). I worked out like crazy (lost 8lbs!), I planned a few trips (exciting), and threw myself into work (possibly getting a promotion). He has not reached out neither have I.

    As I am doing this, went through periods where I didnt want him but then I did...but I know we share something and I'd be open to trying again. I usually cave in and end up contacting him every time I call it quits (I usually say I’m done and we begin to msg after 3 weeks), and I know he knows he has me where he wants me (my own fault for doing this), so this time, I spent the time on myself, and understood the root cause of his non committal was due to my extreme neediness when we are apart, freaking out over him possibly being with someone else, and overall, he just doesn’t trust my behavior as he thinks I’m a drama queen. We both agree that together in person is nothing short of amazing.

    I know there is a way of winning him back and starting brand new fresh all over again, but I’m missing a link :( I’d be extremely appreciative if you could help me 😊 thank you in advance!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would say that this current NC period would be a test of how important he thinks you are, because in all the previous scenarios, you've always been the one caving and coming back to him so he probably thinks it would be the same again this time around. He's probably also started to take you for granted and hence developed a low tolerance towards you (calling you a drama queen and not trusting you). If he genuinely values you, this gap would make him realize how important you actually are, and he may even reach out over time. However, if he doesn't, you might want to consider the possibility of moving on instead of getting back together and playing right back into his arms again.

      Reply
  • julia

    so i started talking to this guy and we were best friends at start. we had deep conversations together, we were super close we told each other about our pasts and i gained feelings for him. by the time i told him he had another girl, and he told me it would always be me so he stopped contacting the girl. we started talking and we got into an argument over me texting that girl back because she had texted me asking about him. and everytime we would get into an argument he would follow the girl on all social medias all over again. mind you we have never met in person. so he was throwing tantrums over how he wants me to always be with him and lose all contacts with every guy because he lost all contacts with girls. and so i met him we were at his house, stuff happened there, and he promised he would never leave me. he swore on everyone he loved. and that night when i got home he broke up with me because of "loss of connection" and because i was "moving funny." the next day he got with the girl and now they are dating and our "relationship" did not even last a month, and im torn over this guy, i feel like my heart is physically being ripped out of my chest and that my whole life is falling apart and i have no clue what to do now

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that he was simply messing around with you and never had serious intentions of getting together based on what you've said. You might want to consider moving on and not wasting your time, especially if he could simply lose feelings for you overnight and gives you a reason that you were moving funny.

      Reply
  • Michael Dell

    Hi Ryan. My question is simple. I was in a 7 years old relation,she broke up with me basically because i took her for granted, and we didnt travel or went out that much. So, i started no contact today, we lived together for the last year and yesterday i went to her place to pick up some of the stuff i still had there, and i Just talked the essential with her. but her birthday is tomorrow. Should i text her saying happy birthday, or (since im in no contact time) should i say nothing to her? Thanku

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could wish her if you genuinely feel inclined to do so, but honestly, it wouldn't exactly make much of a difference whether you do or not because she's not going to hate you just if you didn't wish her, and neither is she going to get back with you just because you did.

      Reply
  • jantan

    After 7 solid years of relationship, my bf cheated on me with his colleague, in the starting he used to lie to me and said that they are just friends but they were not and that girl too left her bf of 9 years for him. Somehow during our fights and his lies and on/off relationship between us, the girl got close to him and he also has entertained her feelings and never left any chance to be with her. During all this, he always has chased me saying he still wants me and he cannot even hurt her feelings too as she left her bf for him. Now its been a year, he has been behaving weird and he doesn't wants me to move on with my life, one day or the other he follows me and makes sure that I talk to him and wants me to be available for him, whenever he needs me. During all this, he has started drinking more and never listens to me and shows very hot/cold behavior and clearly says he has commitment issues. Now recently, he confessed me that he is confused between the two of us to which I said him to choose her over me and left the place. Since then I am in NO CONTACT with him.

    What should I do? I really want the things to be normal as before?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may not go back to normal, especially not in the immediate future. You've been together for 7 years, and usually the passion/spark is lost after being together for awhile which may cause a party in the relationship to develop feelings for someone else because it's an 'exciting and novel' experience from what they are normally used to. However, sometimes all they really need to see is the value that they've taken for granted all this while to miss you and want a second chance, especially if the relationship was a meaningful one.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    Hey, i have been doing no contact for 1,5 weeks now. My ex and I were together for 2 years and we both decided to break up. I have never made a worse decision than that. 1,5 weeks in no contact she texts me that things are over and that she doesn't want me back, BUT that we might become friends in the future. I ignored that text because I feel that 30 days no contact is important. But now she sent me another message saying: "you can't ignore this all the time". I know she is very angry right now and that she might even hate me (without a reason imo because i have always respected her in every way). She is tweeting bad things about me... So i'm a bit confused right now...

    Should I answer her text saying: Hey, just want to let you know that i need some time to process the break up. I'm doing well already, but I need more time. i hope you understand.
    OR should I try to ignore her for 30 days?

    I know that she still loves me, because I was her first real lover and the only boy that respected her in every way and showed her the love she deserved. I don't want to f*** it up now....but it hurts a lot seeing that she hates me and that she is saying bad things :(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could let her know that you require time to process whatever that has happened and you aren't ready to face her yet. Don't completely ignore her especially if it would lead to her hating you.

      Reply
  • Michael Scarn

    We'd been dating for about a month-and-a-half, had our best date ever last Friday, and I was supposed to make dinner Saturday night. Out of nowhere, she texted that she just not emotionally ready for this yet (she's going through a rough divorce), gave me a bunch of compliments, apologizes, but said she needs to put on the brakes. Great connection, literally never a cross word said to each other. We talked for awhile on the phone Sunday. I told her I was surprised and a bit hurt but accepted. She apologized for hurting me, and I said I know she's in a difficult place and forgive her. I texted her later with a pic from dinner with my kids (wanted to show i really was smiling and ok), and she texted me a pic of her out with her kids and said my pic was adorable with heart emoji.

    I haven't responded yet (and, that exchange was sort of a self-contained conversation, not necessarily requiring response). I figure that, if this is too much for her emotionally right now, I should give her space and time. I'm bummed - didn't realize until Saturday just how much I liked her - but since we've literally never had a negative conversation, I believe her and frankly would be fine waiting for her. It's a pretty unique connection, and I've been online dating long enough to know I'm unlikely to happen upon someone as great, so why not give her time/space and do no-contact. But now, I'm wondering if I'm handling it correctly. On one hand, she dumped me. On the other, I wonder if I might be pushing her away too hard with no-contact given that she's still very warm to me and we're on such good terms. I'm thinking no-contact can't hurt, she'll probably reach out before long once she misses the connection, so why not increase the value of my presence by being more scarce. I'd love an expert's opinion, here.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Different people would respond differently to no contact depending on how they feel towards the one doing it. If she genuinely felt something for you but is simply dealing with a difficult time, giving her space would be a good idea as she would probably contact you eventually. By remaining in contact with her, you become susceptible to acts of neediness and desperation, especially if she is hot and cold towards you, and all your emotions become amplified which would only push her away.

      Reply
    • Michael Scarn

      Thank you very much for this. I took your advice and maintained no contact. As you predicted, on day 12, she texted me. Going to proceed very slowly and dispassionately so as not to get friend-zoned.

      Reply
  • Sheldon

    I broke up with my gf of 18 months about four months ago, but we still texted occasionally although we still haven’t each other in person. She texted me drunk one night saying she misses me, I happened to also be drunk and we talked on the phone about good times and what went wrong with us. She texted me for a couple days and things seemed to be trending in the right direction for us, until suddenly she revealed she was now with another guy, days after telling me she still loved me over the phone. This was devastating and I became a panicked mess and made a lot of the mistakes mentioned on the site, but got ahold of myself and began no-contact. After about two weeks, during which i was doing quite well, she texted me, and with my luck I was drunk again! This time she told me she ended things with her rebound and said some other things, and my friends were pleading with me not to reply but I gave in. We texted for a couple days and then she asks “what are we doing” and starts telling me how much she still misses me and has been thinking about reconciliation but needs a few days to think it over. She could definitely sense my neediness and after texting for a couple days she tells me she “what we had is now in the past” and can’t bring herself to reconcile, although she said “who knows, maybe our paths will cross again one day.” I became a needy wreck again and made the same mistakes I made initially! However, I am now a week into no-contact but i’m worried that my oppurtunity is now gone. Should i wait the standard 30 days or should i not even try again after blowing it the first time? Thanks :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always try the 30 days, and use this time to focus on yourself and making positive changes. After the NC period, you could try to give it one last shot and if it doesn't work out in your favor again, then consider moving on knowing you gave it your best shot.

      Reply
  • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

    Considering that this has happened several times and that she's moved to another city, attempting to win her back may prove to be challenging. She also seems to want to move on from everything regarding the past for some reason and this would add to her resistance if you try to contact her. You could attempt NC once more, and see if she contacts you during this period. If she doesn't, you could contact her once more as a last attempt to try and win her back but do consider the idea of moving on, especially if she ends up dating someone else or responds negatively to you.

    Reply
  • Gilda

    So my girlfriend of 3 yrs on/off breaks up with me back in April during a text exchange, caught me by surprise. Her reasoning was she needs time to grow and be to herself and hang with friends. I initially was upset because she blindsided me to a degree because we were together the weekend before. Of course she we could be friends cause we have fun together. So agree to give her space and time . So I was pretty emotional after that so I get an impulse to text her 3 weeks after to ask if we could talk . She says ‘we can even though she doesn’t have much to say but when she gets back in town. ‘ So I was fine with that so I hit her the day she was suppose to get back to ask what the best time was to call? Then she ask if I was try to get her back and I put yes/no because I wanted to explain not through text though. So we didn’t talk and I sent her an audio message of how I felt, she tells me its too much to process right now and she is still out of town. So I responded with I understand it’s alot and please contact with me at her convience that was the end of April. I waited a couple days sent her a short text about starting over but not immediately of course this was May 2nd . She responded with I can’t be overwhelmed right now and she still needs time and for me to relax. So I haven’t said anything since then but I want to contact her via text now since its been a little over a month but I don’t want to teyher about getting back together just to open a line of communication. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since it has been a month, you could try contacting her again to see how she responds. Keep things casual this time and definitely avoid pouring your heart out and overwhelming her again. She may be defensive and wary at the start, so you probably have to ease into things and keep the conversation light and casual.

      Reply
    • Gilda

      So contacted casually to ask her about a place we had gone. She responded with the name of the place. Asked if I was taking someone there... I told her no just want to go again. She responded with cool enjoy. I asked how’s everything? She responded with figuring out life and trying to come out of a bad place. So I responded with I get you and everything is cool with me mostly and for her to not to be a stranger. She said ok and that was the end of the conversation.

      Reply
  • Mary Meje

    HI. I have had a relation with my man for 4 years. First long distance. Since august we lived together. He has a temper. Strong feelings - passion, love, happy, angry etc. So several times he said its over. And it last for 1-3 days. Once 3 weeks.
    We both have been jealous and fear of commit and trust the big love we have/had. we both started new companies and are struggling to make it work.
    6 weeks ago I did not follow what he told me to do and in the end he kicked me out of the house. He is angry still. He say -I dont listen. I flirt with others. I must become independant etc. (HE is the one who constantly has been flirting with others as soon as I am not around. )
    He divorced after 25 y of marriage 6 years ago. And it ended in a bad way and his kids has not wanted to have much contact with him. So he is in unbalance for this plus fear of money and work.
    I see things I have to work on also.
    I have tried to be in no contact but he has been writing to me every day. And when I try to answer calm he attacks with anger still. First it was about money - that he payed for most. Now its about jealousy - he is jealous about one of my clients.
    I still have a huge love for him and want us to come back together in a good way.
    I know he is on a trip now for 1 month.
    How can I make him stop being so angry? And reconsider coming back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Honestly, the best way to get him to lose his anger he has for you right now is to distance yourself from him. As much as you want him back, this immediate sense of familiarity makes him miss you whenever he goes without talking to you but becomes impatient and angry at the same time. You'll have to break this chain if you want to win him back AND have him treat you with greater respect/less anger.

      Reply
  • John

    Can i post on my insta story or facebook that i am having fun in another country? I already did cause i want her to know i am not crying over it

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's definitely good to show that you're not struggling and moping about the breakup, because it might make you come across as weak and it may even cause her to lose respect or whatever remaining feelings she may still have had.

      Reply
  • Liv

    Hello,
    I followed the NC rule and finally got to the end and text my ex.
    I decided to talk about my work as when we broke up it was because we both had a stessful time in work. I was supposed to go to a conference I had worked hard for, but something happened and I couldn't go. So I used this as a "guess what happened to me" situation. He did reply asking what happened and after I said he replied a second time asking me a question about it. But from my second reply to his question, he has not replied again. I did ask him how he was and how his work was to try and get the conversation onto him, but I dont know what to do now? Please could you help. I understand baby steps are good and he is not going to come running, but I dont know if I should use the elephant in the room text next, or continue to ask how is is etc. every now and then?
    thank you for your help, and this page. It has helped me so much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should continue to build up upon the friendship a little more first, and make sure he is slightly more comfortable with texting you before dropping the elephant in the room text. As you've said, baby steps are good as long as they generally head in the right direction.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Story goes: Boy breaks up with me. Forced to think through. No contact during two weeks. Talked again..Hostility. So decided to go back no contact, after two weeks: decided to tell him that I want a break up. He became hostile so I went no contact and he kept sending me random messages about how I do not understand relationships etc. Now, he asked to meet up for closure...still going on with no contact (as if I dropped off the face of the planet). Is this the right thing to do? My motivation is that the no contact will force him to rethink his bad and rude behaviour. All is all, I've not seen him in 1week shy of two months.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps if he is continuously texting you to find fault and remain hostile, you might want to add to him that you are unappreciative of his actions and attitude towards you before you continue on with no contact or he may not even start reflecting and might continue to simply find fault with you.

      Reply
  • Sharada

    Hi, my story if little different. The guy whom I was in relationship was actually in relationship with other girl for 3yrs together and 3yrs long distance relationship. Now she saway from her, he loved me n pretty much confused as to whom to choose. I have been with him since 3months together. V work in same sector. V see each other's face daily.recently he chose her over me only for the reason that they stayed together for 6yrs. I m extremely heart broken. Does this no contact rule applies to me?? Wat if I start it and at the other end he is in continuously in contact with the other girl. How do I proceed?? Please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the circumstances, the memories and time he's spent together with the other person was much longer than he spent with you, its natural that he ended up choosing her because there was more to 'lose'. NC might work depending on how their relationship is, but you might want to consider moving on instead because there's no guarantee on how long they will remain together for and whether they would even break up eventually or not.

      Reply
  • Roman

    Hi there, sorry for the length, but I haven't really seen anything addressing this kind of thing as of yet so I want to give all the details

    So my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me about 5 days ago. The breakup wasnt terrible overall, she actually broke down crying a long time before I cried. She said she was stressed and needed to find herself and have time to be more independent (which I in part agreed with, she had an extremely stressful first year in college and also in the past hasn't shown much interest in many things, and as a result her parents tended to pressure her to do a ton too, I can only imagine how much pressure she felt with her life in general). She is home for a week now, and I asked why don't we just take a break over the weekend or so so she can think before she even considers a breakup and then we talk things over, but she still wanted a breakup so it happened. It was weird though, I've had breakups before that didn't leave me feeling this way, but here I felt like there wasn't any real closure. She said I love you once when I said it to her before the conversation ended, I thought it was strange for a breakup so I said it again and she says it back too and kisses me. Very confusing.

    She didn't tell me what I did wrong, but I have been meditating on it and actually even knew in the moment the problems were both of us texting too much overall, and also I tended to sound controlling with some of the things I said and didn't keep my inner opinion out of things as much as I should have. I had known this before and wanted to talk to her about how I can improve over this week actually, but she broke up with me before I even got to that. So be it, I've been working on improving those with my family and friends over the past few days. As of now I feel I have accepted the breakup and whatever may be the final outcome whether we get back or not, and I feel a sense of calm. I guess you could say I feel over it, but I still of course would like to see if it still might work, because I got that strange feeling that it might still work out that day (probably why I could get over it easy).

    But now I'm confused. I started NC the instant we finished the breakup, knowing she genuinely needed space. What do you know but literally a day later she texts me with a "hi 'nickname only she calls me', I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing :) you don't have to respond I just felt like texting you". Here's where I feel like a fool, I waited a day and a half to finally respond, giving her a weekend of space like I said I would, when I finally replied neutrality but happily "hi 'insert name', thanks for thinking about me :) I am keeping busy and doing fine". Then she said good I'm happy to hear that :). I worry I waited to long, given how relatively tame the breakup was and how personal her first message (and how quickly it came) was.

    Did I ruin my chances by simply waiting too long and putting way too much thought into how long I should respond? She is only home for this week, then she goes back to summer classes 3 hours away for two whole months, which is longer than the classic one month NC, so it's either I see her now or I see her in two months. Because the breakup was tame I feel NC doesn't need to last more than a month, but I worry that if I don't talk to her within this week all bets are off because two months would just be too long and she'll probably move on.

    What should I do? I am clear headed and will have am easy time flirting and showing my improved self etc if I were to be with her now, but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, aka too little NC or too much NC

    Thanks so much!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the exchange in messages remains friendly and cheerful, you could try to arrange meeting with her once before she leaves, but be mentally prepared as well that it would not get instantly fixed in that moment so you would probably have to progress into the period she is away while still trying to fix things. If that may potentially cause more stress than it would to help the situation, I suggest actually waiting until she comes back to give it a shot, but perhaps continue to maintain a positive relationship with her (once you give both parties some space during NC).

      Reply
  • Aaditi

    Hi Ryan,
    I have been in this relationship for more than a year now, which first started in as casual flirting turned into a serious relationship.So after being serious we started disliking each other trying to make contact with the opposite gender .As we knew how we both were into casual flirting .I started being overly possessive be it him chatting and joking with any girl on social media or in real life would drive me nuts .It went so far that I told him to unfollow and unfriend certain girls and deactivate his page which he was a admin of . This argument did not end well I acted crazy crying begging him to do this that for me . Maybe I was wrong I overeacted on casual things and did not understand him . What do you think is the solution to mend our relationship ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      First give each other space since the relationship did not end on a positive note, and work on your emotions and insecurities to prevent a relapse of you overreacting to little things because of jealousy. This would apply to future relationships as well, even if not with him that the same issue may arise unless you gain more self-confidence and assurance.

      Reply
  • Jordan

    My ex broke up with me 18 days ago after 3 years of dating... he had been harboring resentment over seemingly little things ( me not recognizing when he needed help with money).... he said he was sorry for not communicating more and that I deserved someone better (it came out of the blue)... we both sobbed and I asked him to leave.... it’s been 18 days no contact and I still have a lot of his belongings, he told me to use his HULU and Amazon prime if I wanted, I’m close with his sister (we hangout and work together) and he didn’t say to stop seeing her...... we made committments to one another, were each other’s first, even lived together for two years before moving back with our parents to save money... I’m feeling very hopeless... I was feeling confident, have even been on some dates, lost weight, got tan, picked up tennis again and made some new old friends... but my heart is breaking anytime his sister talks about him... I want to tell him about my day and I want to talk to him and understand the real reasons behind the breakup, because it just seemed so sudden.... I feel like he doesn’t care about me, that he just used me for everything I had then left..... he hasn’t contacted me, and I haven’t contacted him in 18 days..... do you have any advice for me?

    Reply
  • Linda Barr

    Did I ruin the no contact rule by mistake? It’s been 4 days since not responding to his long closure text when he sent me 2 audio text messages of him out drunk singing our song. I pressed “keep” to the recordings because otherwise they disappear in 2 minutes and I was out at the time and couldn’t hear them. I found out the other person will get notified when I pressed keep. So he received two messages saying “so-and-so kept your message at 10:40 pm.” I didn’t realize this at the time. Did I mess up my no contact streak? I’m so annoyed at myself I’m not sure how he will perceive it/if I ruined it. Any help is appreciated, thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No, you probably did not ruin your chances since there was no actual contact, and based on the circumstances, it seemed necessary at that point.

      Reply
  • Anna

    Hi there,
    Im on 3rd day no contact rule, my ex call me.
    Should l text him to do not have contact for a while?
    He is very close with my son( he is not his father
    And lm close with his son( lm not his mother)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest if you're in no contact, not to reply or answer his texts/calls unless it's necessary or if he's constantly pestering you.

      Reply
  • Surbhi

    Do i have to block my ex during no contact rule?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No you don't have to unless they're constantly pestering you and hindering the no contact phase.

      Reply
  • Ben

    Hello,

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had been dating for over 2 and half plus years and we were madly in love. She said the breakup was because of her and she the classic “it’s not you it’s me” phrase. Then three days later she starts dating this other guy. I’m fairly certain it’s a rebound after reading your articles. Anyway, about two weeks ago she came up to my house to drop off some of my hoodies and we had a nice conversation and basically said how we want the best for each other, we still care about one another, complimented each other, and we want to keep in touch. I haven’t talked to her since then, so should I keep no contact going? How much longer should I keep it going. I planned on texting her around her graduation. Is that a good idea? Any advice would help out. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might also want to consider the possibility that this new relationship wasn't simply a rebound after the relationship, but that she was actually cheating on you instead. Regardless, continue with NC and ideally you should go with it for around a month. Texting her after at any right opportunity is fine but gauge her response towards you as well as the situation she's in at the moment.

      Reply
  • nonsense

    Argh. Broke no contact. But I technically was the one who officially ended it so...

    My ex is a commitment phobe and that's not me convincing myself he does want me. He has been burned badly in the past and since then has only had short lived relationships, where he freaks out and runs. He struggles to see himself as someone who can be loved. He feels once I know the real him, I'll flee. I love being with him and all aspects of his character. He wanted to end our relationship out of the blue and was all irrational. At first I was needy and tried to argue. He then suggested we downgrade it so it was all on his terms. I almost accepted. I would have just been waiting for scraps of attention from him.

    I then snapped out of it. I sent him a very nice message (swallowed my crazy ex-anger) two days after I saw him saying I respected his wishes to end things and that he was right, we shouldn't be together (that was maybe the only bit that was harsh). I enjoyed our time together and cared about him deeply, really valued that he felt he could open up to me and wished him all the best. He replied thanking me for the message and to say he was sorry and that I would always have a special place in his heart and that I deserved to meet someone who could love me fully. I felt like crap because I was like, 'Crap, he really didn't chase me or try to stop me going.'

    Later that night, he sent me a separate messaging saying: 'I will miss you.' I replied saying I would miss him too. And then decided it had to be no contact. Two days later he started liking my posts on Instagram. I didn't respond. I created a story on IG to see if he would see it, but he didn't and he then stopped liking my posts. After 5 days I caved in, panicking that my 'You're right, we shouldn't see each other' was echoing in his mind... and that my silence was making him think I had moved on liked one (just one) of his old posts. And now I'm like, 'I broke no contact... He knows I miss him. I'm doomed.'

    I've decided to not post on IG for a bit, and defoinitely no stories.

    Reply
  • Stephen

    HI Ryan,
    After reading your article and peoples comments I decided to share my problem with you. I am from Pak and my gf is Chinese. She is a single mom. We are in a relationship for about 2 years. we met on a dating website. we spend this time happily but during this time she tries to leave me many times, she suddenly stops talking with me for many days without knowing the reason and when she ready to talk with me she give me the reason that (we have no future, I am a single (divorced lady) so that's why I wanted to leave you. I always try to convince her like introducing with my family, meet up with my brother. I did serious steps to convince her and at the end, she agreed to be with me but with a thing in her mind, that i will leave her in future. Now what happened yesterday, she saw some messages of my friend (girl) just friend, which she doesn't like that messages and said leave me, I want to break up. I try to convince her that she is just my friend nothing else, even I send a message to that girl in front of my girlfriend, and my friend talks with my gf, that we are only friends nothing else. but my gf didn't agree and said you talk with a girl, the girl is right but you are wrong. I try to convince her and in the end she said, i have to consider our relation again. Now please guide me, what should i do? Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're going to have learn how to deal with her emotions if you want the relationship to work out. You share a different culture from her and you're going to familiarize yourself with it as well as her emotional baggage and she why acts this way. Keep in mind as well that this behavior she has is going to be extremely exhausting for you especially if she is in a constant push/pull dilemma with her emotions. However, in the meantime, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do but give her some space until she makes a decision on the relationship.

      Reply
  • Phil

    Hello,

    Ex and I were together for 6 months. Eventually, she broke up with me, and it was very hard for her. I know now that the reason was my insecurities and there would also be times where I would lie about small things, and act as if I didn't say anything at all. I tried no contact with my ex for 2 and a half weeks, and then wrote them an "elephant in the room" letter. I started to slowly text them and rebuild attraction, and after a week of slowly having light conversations, I sent her a long memory text and told her how I never realized how insecure I was until now, after going to counseling for a bit. She seemed to kind of brush if off, asking why im bringing this up now and that she feels that talking to her about it will make me more upset. When I asked to hang out and grab food , just to catch up, she said "i think we still need time to heal". I havent spoken to her in 2 weeks (so since all of that happened). Finals are approaching and she'll be going home soon. I don't know what to do, does this make her sound like she moved on completely, or should I try waiting another couple of weeks before reaching out again? I have this urge to just call her on the phone and talk about things, and I feel like no contact is going to do more harm than good. Thanks,

    -Phil

    Reply
  • Daina

    My ex, he was so sweet in the begining of the relationship ,we talk and discuss about future and stuff.But then we had lot of fights,we were on n off lyk a 100 tyms,usually i breakup then he comes back and things goes back to normal,but for a few months he was cold,he talks only when he misses me.Else there is no reply even when i would want to talk.One day when we were talking,he says he isn sure about this.So i move out and there was no defense from his side n no pacification.Then he comes back and says he wants to be friends and needs some to talk to.But i am following NC.Will that work

    Reply
  • Marie

    Hi,
    I have said harsh words that hurt my fiancé's ego after finding out that he went drinking with the boys without telling me (we're in a long distance relationship). The next day he didn't reply to my messages and so on. I sent him messages everyday which surely made me appear desperate and needy. He still hasn't replied, but I know he's reading them. I tried to call, but he won't answer. He's been ignoring me for more than a week now. I came across this site the other day and since then, I have started no contact. My worry now is that, we are set to wed in July and I am busy with the preparations, while he's busy working his ads off overseas. We need to communicate asap. What do you think I should do? Will no contact work in my case? Thank you so much for your help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you are getting married soon, then no contact isn't a good idea so you should set to resolve the situation as soon as possible. Figure out why he's not responding to you and if there's something you can do that would change that.

      Reply
    • Marie

      Hi Ryan,

      Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. My fiancé sent me a screenshot of his plane ticket. He would be arriving on May 23. But not a single word from him. Does that mean I can do no contact until he arrives? It's too long for me to bear. It's like I'm losing my mind.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, you could decide to do no contact for now while waiting for his arrival. In the meantime, focus on yourself and the guidelines of what you should be doing during no contact.

      Reply
    • Marie

      Hi. I'm sorry to bother you once again. So, I'm committed to doing no contact, but I made the mistake of checking on his Facebook profile and saw that he changed his cover photo to something that says this: There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I thought the no contact rule will make him miss me, but it seems that after more than a week of not hearing from me, he has grown mad at me. Please help me. I'm trying very hard not to contact him, but I think I can't take it anymore. What if he's really had enough of me? Doesn't no contact make me lose my chance of getting him back?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It typically doesn't, but it also would depend on the circumstances of the relationship and your partner's personality. If he is the type to seemingly get mad instead, you could always contact him to let him know that you need some time to work on yourself. However, having said that, as you're supposed to get married soon, perhaps contacting him sooner than later would be a good idea so he doesn't get the wrong idea and think you're being difficult and purposely ignoring him.

      Reply
  • Bvrb26

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago. I'm aware of how short a relationship it was but it was extremely passionate and intense since day one. We had been close friends for at least a year before we became a couple. I should also point out for your understanding that we are long distance (3 hrs from eachother) and visits were in no way an impossible issue for us. But it was a horrible breakup. He did it through my best friend saying it was "too painful" for him to face me and had her tell me not to contact him. Desperately calling and texting him that night with him saying he would block me if I continued ended with ugly results on my part. The result of such agony led to my attempted suicide (completely out of my charcater) but I came to my senses and stopped the process before anything irreversible happened.
    The next day he called me to give me his reasons for ending it and as he was telling me all this he was also saying "I love you so much" and "You're so beautiful inside and out" and "You're literally everything I ever wanted in a girl."

    I made most of the mistakes mentioned in your articles of what NOT to do. I was desperate. By the 2nd week post breakup I finally apologized for my outbursts and tried my best to be his friend. After coming across your detailed articles and guides (thank you by the way for making them accessible to anyone any time!!) I realized what I had to do and should've done is no contact. Being as it was that he would still casually message me(he would insist on keeping our friendship and that I was his true best friend), I felt it necessary to let him know I would no longer be replying to his messages or reaching out. I kept it very brief, straight forward and said goodbye saying I needed time to heal and couldn't be his friend while feeling this way. I could see him typing a response right away for about 10 minutes. Whatever it was, he never sent it and instead I saw through social media he started drinking and got very drunk that same night. He drunk texted me but I stuck to no contact and never replied. It's been only one week of official NC.

    Yesterday I posted pics and videos of all the fun I was having and hanging out with my best friend. I felt good. Better then I have any other day since him leaving me. Ever since he broke up with me he had formed a habit of not missing a single one of my posts on Snapchat which is the only social media I had him on. Within minutes of posting anything he would immediately view it. Sometimes within seconds. Yesterday was no different. I was feeling good, I had lost a bit of weight and having fun with genuine smiles. By afternoon he was no longer seeing my posts. Thats when I noticed it...he had removed me from Snapchat. I quickly felt confused and shock and i broke down crying.

    This was all I had left of him. It served as a window into his life and a window into mine. He has no other social media platform. It was like having a bridge for whenever I was ready to reach out again as mentioned in your guides. Im hurt and confused and taking this as him saying he's completely done and doesn't care anymore. I feel this is him moving on permanently and Im panicking. Losing the chance of keeping our friendship is surprisingly hurting more then knowing I've lost my chances of being together in a relationship again. So Kevin, what should I do regarding all this and how it affects the NC phase? Is this really it for us and him cutting me out if his life permanently? Should I stick to my original plan of NC and reaching out after? Please help me, I didn't know who else to go to for the necessary advice...Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is probably him getting affected by your posts, and stopping himself from viewing them any further by removing you. You could continue on with NC and making those positive changes before contacting him when NC ends to try and break the ice once more.

      Reply
    • Bvrb26

      Thank you Ryan, I appreciate your reply to my long message. A day ago I feel I unknowingly made yet another mistake (I know, Im hopless! Haha). I dont really know how Snapchat works with the details of these things so I assumed that since he removed me it wouldn't notify him of any activity from me. In a silly act of missing him I made the mistake of revisiting our last messages from only a couples day before the breakup. I saved them and Snapchat notified him. He responded with question marks to which I didn't respond. I saved one more message and he replied again with "Can you please stop...its unsettling." I finally wrote back with "If it bothers you that much then you can block me so as to not be notified. I noticed you removed me already so if you feel you need to do that then its okay and you can. I hope all is well with you." He didnt respond for almost 4 hours and when he did all it said was "Sorry I was busy. Just at work" I didnt reply. I hope my initial response didnt ruin the NC process I had going for me. I never meant for him to know I had been saving our messages. To not risk this happening again and also to protect myself from reminiscing on what no longer is, I also removed him so our messages are permanently gone. It hurt all over again losing months worth of messages but I hope maybe I can start NC again? Will it even work at this point? Also, his brithday is in 4 days. Is it appropriate if I were to wish him a brief and positive happy birthday through text or not? Thank you for all your help!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could wish him, but go back to NC after that and given the exchange you've had with him in recent days, I don't think it would really make a difference if you wished him. Under these circumstances, you might have to prolong NC so that you at least give it enough time since this recent event.

      Reply
    • Bvrb26

      Hello again Kevin, so...things have gotten a little complicated since my ex's birthday. Sorry for this lengthy post. I went ahead and wished him a brief happy birthday and he said he appreciated it. Left it at that. Later that night his best friend messaged me and we were talking and my ex came up in the discussion. He could see I was still in love with him and went on to tell me that my ex told him he never really loved me. That it was a game from the start and all lies to play me like a fiddle from the beginning. His abrupt breakup would seem so but 5 months of constant contact over the phone and text seems hard to accept it as all a lie. I remember when he first told me he loved me. Whenever we had even a single second we would call eachother sometimes just to remind the other how much we loved eachother. We helped each other both through family trials and told eachother everything. Had phone calls that lasted hours upon hours. Im afraid that his friend may be right and I'm simply in denial...? That same night I guess his friend told him I still loved him and my ex sent me a text. He told me in the message to do what I want and forget about the past and that he shouldn't be holding be back to sleep (he didn't use that word) or be with someone and that he isn't my father and I shouldn't be asking for his permission to do so because he doesn't care either way and to have a goodnight. Another thing is I heard through the grapevine that he didnt do anything big for his birthday but spent the day with a girl and his friend to which he called her the highlight of his birthday and the only reason it was a good birthday...referring to her with affection and hearts whenever mentioned on social media. A friend of mine suspects he had been talking to her while him and I were together bur this is only speculation. I ask myself if he did cheat, where he found the time to do so with all the constant contact we had. Anyway, Im trying very very hard not to panick but its rising within me. Any opinions or advice? Im sticking to NC but if he's already with someone I dont know what to do. And with his message as well...he apparently even told his best friend he didnt mind if he slept with me. This all sounds like a COMPLETELY different person and like he hates me. Please help with anything you can give. Thank you always Kevin for replying to countless panicking women and men.

      Reply
    • Bvrb26

      I guess (like maybe most women) I'm wondering what to do and the honest question of "Is this the end of the line for all hope in trying again?".

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, there seems to be huge amount of confusion with the relationship and your ex, and it might honestly be a better idea to walk away. There's a chance that he was playing you from the start, and even if that wasn't true, his abrupt breakup becomes another cause for concern, along with his new date becoming the last obstacle and whether he was cheating on you or not. Regardless, his cold response towards you shows that he isn't interested in continuing the conversation with you. With such odds stacked against you, as I've mentioned, it might be a good idea to be fair to your heart and move on.

      Reply
  • Charles

    Hi,
    me and my ex-girlfriend ended a relationship of 1 and half years. During this time, we broke up and got back few times. I ended sometimes and she did too. She has a son and never was married. She really liked me and I was the first boyfriend that she presented to her son. Since I was very insecure and we were always arguing, I was afraid of commitment. In the end, she started to disconnect from me and she brokeup in last December 2017. Since then, I tried to get back with her because I reckon that I should have afraid of commintment and most of the times we discussed was in part because I didn't decide to have a life together with them (she and her son). I always wanted that but was afraid of doing it. After we broke up, I tryed to talk to her few weeks later and get back to our relationship. At first, she responded to my messages, but I think she was afraid that if we did, we would got back to the same situation and stopped to talk to me. Then she told me that her decision to break up was final and would never get back to me. I was broken. Then I sent an email few weeks after telling that was was sorry for all my mistakes and that I wated to have a future with her. Then she agreed to talk to me in person and after telling me that the main reason to break up was only my fault (she also had some responsability also, believe me) and I appolagized to her and in the end she told me that would think about getting back together (in this conversation she reckon that she was afraid if get back together, it would be the same and that I would change in the begining and we would would to the same, as we did in the past).
    Two weeks later she told me that it was over. I was devastated with this and told her that. After this, I was with no contact for abaout 6-7 weeks. Then I started to message her but her replies were vere short and never wanted to restar a reall conversation. Finally, I was trying to know more about her by a common friend and she discovered and was really mad about that (she told me before to not do it). Few days ago, she told me that would never change her mind and that I should respect her decision. I know, huge mistake from me :(
    Now I am not sure if I get a chance to get her back. I really love her I want to live with her if one day she give me that chance again.
    What should I do now? Should I have some hope that we can go back together?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your chances might not be very high because it has occurred several times, and she might be feeling very guarded against you as each time the disappointment builds up. I suggest giving her a bit more space and then trying to initiate contact. If she still does not reply positively towards you, you may want to consider walking away instead from things.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    My girlfriend told me she wanted time and space because she is going to start college to be a nurse and she has two kids 4 and 3 yrs old and she wanted a break from us to get things going for herself and she told me thag i also need to get myself working hard and save money to get a place and she sed "im not breaking up with you ok im just needing time to get stuff going for myself and you do the same that's it" .so how long should i do no contact even though i didn't do anything wrong? And if i do the no contact won't that pull her away since she will be busy with everything else ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you continue to contact her after she has expressed this, you'll run the risk of pushing her away because she may will feel suffocated. If she wanted a break from the relationship, there must have been something that she felt tired about with it. It would be a good idea what exactly she needs space from, and work on that.

      Reply
  • Arron robinson

    hi, my girlfriend and I have been together for 8months fell madly in love with each other it was amazing. we have recently split up 5 days ago she had been feeling this for a little while and had told me that but still tried to work through it. she feels like I've pushed her away and that she makes me miserable due to the last four months of bad luck I've had i work on a fishing boat and 4 days before Christmas i went overboard and nearly lost my life she was my rock was absolutely amazing everything she did for me. but then in January my next door neighbor who was also my best friend i found him hed passed away it was the worst experience of my life and in the time since I've been getting drunk a lot and smoking cannabis when she comes to see me I've been breaking down all the time and being moody and miserable with her not intentionally as i love her so much which in turn has made her depressed as well as she feels she gave me everything and is mentally drained from it all and feels we are differnt people to when we met in the last 2 weeks tho i have made improvements ive stopped smoking and drinking feel a lot beeter for it. before we broke up on friday we hadn't seen each other the week before as needed some space then i got a msg friday afternoon saying hi hope your ok ive had a really good think this week i know you wont like this but ive been a lot happier on my own this last week and ive found myself again this isnt anything to do with you its me yes weve had our issues but i just think i need to be on my own i hope you understand so i msg her back saying im ok and that im happy youve felt better we then spoke on the phone and i said it makes me sad that you feel the need to be alone to be happy but i love and respect you enough to let you go and thanked her for all the support and everything that her and her family had done for me through this bad time i then asked her if she still feels something for me she replied yes and then i asked if she though there could be another chance she said im not saying never but right now i need to be alone we was both crying then i said im sorry and good bye she replied im sorry good bye too. since friday i havnt broke the no contact rule but would really appreciate some advice on how i can move forward and getting back that great relationship we had thankyou please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's probably important for you to find a way to pick yourself up right now because that's the main thing that caused her to walk away because it becomes emotionally draining on her. Spend this NC period working on yourself and perhaps if the opportunity presents itself after, you can go contact her again.

      Reply
  • Wilma

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me two months ago after he took some drugs while I was on holiday and decided that he was too dependent on me and he wanted to go make some friends, which he felt like he couldn't do while he was in a relationship. Before my holiday our relationship was very good and the breakup was very out the blue. After we broke up, we continued messaging each other and seeing each other regularly for the first month, as we both still loved each other.
    During this time he continued to take drugs with his flatmates who I do not think are a good influence, and slowly began to message me less and I could feel him pulling away from me. Around a month ago we decided to try and stop messaging each other, however I continued to message him every few days making sure he was doing okay(which I realise from reading your article was a mistake), and in that time he said he missed me and was feeling sad without me but he felt he had to break up with me.
    The last contact we had was last Thursday when I asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee. He refused saying it might make him too sad to see me and he did not want to risk it and that he was worried if he saw me now he would get back together with me because of how sad he feels without me, I replied letting him know I was here if he changed his mind and wanted to talk but I would give him some space to think, and since that time we have been in NC. In the summer he will be moving in with different people who are a better influence. Any advice how I should proceed? Have I ruined my chances of getting back together with him by not doing the NC as soon as we agreed to stop talking? Should I wait until he gets in contact with me, if he does?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No I don't think you've ruined your chances. Give him the space he requires for now as it may be the drugs that are influencing him to feel this way. Perhaps go into NC and remain friends with him after until he has cleaned up a little more before trying again.

      Reply
  • RickyC

    Hi there, my girlfriend of almost 3 years said she needs a break and for me to get my life in order. As of recent, I've been changing jobs like crazy every 3 months and she said she was fed up with that. She turns 40 soon and wants some stability in her life(house, kids). The relationship was damn near perfect, we had 2 petty arguments in total. My family loves her to the core and her family likes me. I had plans to propose this summer around June, now that's on hold. She's the breadwinner in the relationship and always pushes me to get higher paying jobs. I tried and tried but so far haven't found the right one yet. So far it's been NC for about 10 days however she has sent a few texts craving attention which I just brush off with single cold word responses like "cool". Haven't heard from her in the last 5 days, I don't wanna isolate her to where she moves on. I'm 40 and I still want to marry her since we're like peanut butter and jelly aside from the finance stuff. Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Instead of giving one word replies the next time she contacts you, let her know that you're in the process of trying to deal with the breakup and get your life together as she had felt you should. Also, you'll have to actually work on that aspect if you want a shot at winning her back because it's understandable that she would not feel secure settling down with someone who has no stability.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      Thanks for the reply, ever since the split I have been doing nothing but improving on myself!! Getting up early to hit gym and scheduling interviews like crazy. A few days after the split it hit me, SHE WAS RIGHT I do need to get my life together and now I see this as a wake-up call. On Monday she broke NC to ask how I was doing and how was the job searching going, I replied "good, 4 interviews lined for this week alone". She replied "good man" and emailed me a document on how to answer interview questions better. I said thanks and left it at that. However, I just found out she wants to spend some time with my mother shopping this weekend. I plan on sticking to my NC and self-improvement plan.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      So I sent her the elephant in the room text and it took her a few hours to respond. She responded with "Lov you, let me know how your progress. I wish you the best". I assume it's over for now? I responded with " I will, I still love you too" but I need to make things better not just for me but for us. AKA get my act together.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do that, and simply spend this time focused on improving yourself so that you'll come across as a changed person.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      Roger that!

      Reply
    • RickyC

      After 3 weeks of NC the ex-has been texting me constantly for the past few days. With every day that passes she is increasing her texts more and more every day. We text about how things are but nothing in regards to us. I feel every day that passes by she's opening up a bit more and I don't want to rush her. I found out from her brother that she had a nervous breakdown after her birthday which was around the time we split up. Right now I reply to her text since it's pretty much how my job search is going and what I'm up to these days. I do want to show her that I'm improving in many ways and I should land a real job really soon. I assume this is a good sign?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, the fact that she's opening up to you again is definitely a good sign rather than responding negatively. Continue with building assurance and a sense of familiarity once more with her before moving to the next stage.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      Ex wants to get together for lunch today, I plan on taking it easy and not diving into the reasons of our break. She had a rough weekend in which her dog died, the first thing she did was text me all upset. I gave her my condolences and went partying that night in which she found out.
      I want her to take her time to opening up so we can discuss us however I don't want to end up in the friend zone.

      Reply
    • rickyc

      Had lunch with the ex and everything seemed fine, I did make her laugh out loud without even trying. She still wears the Tiffanys heart pendant I gave her for Vday but did mention that she is seeing someone however when I asked who he was or his first name she smirked and said nothing. I'm not gonna lie that stung a bit. Not sure if she is telling the truth but my gut tells me she's seeing someone as a rebound. However, before she left she said, "let me know how the job search goes" which was the main reason for our split. I gave her a hug and nothing more but it's tough seeing her without showing affection(kiss), should I just go back to NC?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could continue talking to her, and to gauge how her relationship with the other person is. However, the moment you feel her pulling away from the conversation, do not overstep your boundaries and keep calm.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      We texted for a while recently and she gave me a lot of mixed signals. She says she still loves me and then she says she doesn't. She said we still have a shot and getting back together, then she says that she going to give the rebound guy a chance but she keeps checking up on me on a daily basis to see how I'm doing and how the job search is going. The rebound guy is not her type in any way so it tells me that it's probably not going to last. I'm working on myself physically and professionally that I'm about to land a nice job soon. I told her this and her texts keep increasing to sort of check my status. I assume she's waiting for me to get my act together to reconcile?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that she's looking for a reason to get back together, but at the same time she may not feel sure of herself and you yet, which is why she engages in this push&pull of emotions towards you. Continue with the conversations but avoid looking needy or pushy anytime in between.

      Reply
    • RickyC

      Ryan,

      I want to thank you for all your advice but this girl leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I have seen her true colors now, this girl is a bi-polar mental head case looking for a poor sucker to bleed financially. No wonder no guy has ever proposed or even married her at 39. Now that I step back and see it with a fresh pair of eyes all the red flags were there, it was ALL about her. She never asked what I wanted or anything she was selfish, tight as fuck with her money and thought she was better than everyone else. Giving me ultimatums that if I didn't marry her but a specific date she would leave and I later found out she was talking to her rebound guy a month before we officially broke up. I checked one of her emails to her sister and when I saw it, it was all I needed to know. She put on there "Ricky thinks we're taking a break, but it's been over". Why not just say this and instead of keeping me dangling emotionally. This is one cold selfish bitch and I count my lucky stars now.
      Ciao

      Reply
  • hp

    my ex broke it off about 2 weeks ago. It came out of nowhere or at least I didnt see the signs until afterwards. We were together 3 months, never fought, and always fun times for first 2 months. She is mother of two teens and is divorced. I suspect I started taking her for granted, maybe being selfish in choices of how we spend our time, but especially she said she doesn't respect how I treat other people and my way of thinking. it made her uncomfortable. this may be true or there may be a whole other reason I dont know about. She had some crying spells few weeks before breakup and wouldnt explain. I can see so clearly how I goofed and want to show her I do really care for her and am serious about her. I asked her to reconsider but I wasn't overly needy and didnt cry or beg. She didnt block me on any social and she texts me every few days with cold, generic message "hows everything going?". My replies are probably a bit over the top enthusiastic and ive asked her to meet a few times, but she says she's busy. Since I suspect part of this is her feeling im not really serious about her or about that I can change some of my reactions that she finds stressful, If I stop contact it might push her away more. I did ask for chance too soon after, which was too soon and I can feel the power has shifted in how she chats with me. I can do NC but I want to reply if she contacts. whats hard is to be cool when she does and not be overly zealous to meet or show her ive changed..I really want her back and think there are some misunderstands at play here too....

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's understandable that after some time being in the relationship that certain issues occur, and both parties see sides to their partner they may not be used to. You'll probably have to show her as you mentioned with your actions that you're capable of being serious about things when it requires you to be. Also, perhaps work on figuring out why she felt uncomfortable with the way you treated others and thinking, and if it's genuinely a negative aspect, consider changing it about yourself.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hello Kevin. After reading your article I decided to take control of the situation and I initiated no contact. We were on talking terms and I took your advice and told her that I needed some time and space to heal from the break up which I never truly did. I went almost 2 weeks without talking to her and then she contacted me. She goated me into an argument and I broke no contact. After that I immediately went back into no contact and again 2 weeks in she contacted me several times saying she "misses me" and asking me questions, wishing all is well? This time I have remained strong and ignored her texts and attempts to communicate and then I get this message from her: Ok Mike. You win. I sure hope you're not doing this in hopes to talk again as friends one day. Because that's never going to happen. You are now dead to me. Got it? Lose my number for good. I mean it. Do not text me if you get into ..........., cuz I won't care. Do not text me about births or deaths in your family. Not my concern any longer. Stay out of my life forever! Clearly she's is infuriated over the fact I have followed no contact as recommended and no responded. Now l and worried going no contact has caused severe damage I won't be able to recover from. I don't know what to do from here on out. Any suggestions?

    Mike

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This meant that NC has effectively gotten to her based on her response towards you. It might be a good idea to let her know that you need some space in order to make positive changes to your life and by remaining in contact with her at that point would only affect you emotionally, because you wouldn't be able to process the breakup properly.

      Reply
  • Ivan

    I broke up with my girlfriend more than 2 months ago. She left me after a small fight when I was in emotional mess because of family and career problems. I begged for 3 days and then done NC for a week. We met and I begged her again. Then i tried to remain friend but it hurt me too much. I started NC again for 2 weeks but I saw her looking sad at college so I borke no contact and wanted to talk to her. Next week we talked again and she was kinda ignorat and I acted isecure. I started NC again but it was already 7 weeks from break up. It's 4 weeks of no contact right now. Even after 3 weeks since breakup i improved myself rapidly, got in better shape, fixed career and family issues and met new friends, by now it got even better, but i doubt she noticed (except my shape). I still don't feel that clearminded and confident in front of her. My mindset bothers me (altough I'm aware there's plenty of fish in the water) and her ignorance hurts me. How effective will this no contact be if I started it after 7 weeks? It will be 2,5 months since break up when I finnish no contact, is it too late?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's never too late to go into NC since it also acts as a buffer to clear your mind during this period, which seems to be the main issues that's affecting you and your inability to feel confident in front of her.

      Reply
  • Lana

    Hi! I'm broke up with my ex-boyfriend after 11 years together. The issues about religion and that's why we cant move to another step (married). But how to explain, he makes too many promises to me, wants to convert and get married, but he lies to me when that time is coming to convert he tell me, he not ready but I give more time and realize like he just want me to stay with him but not think this to serious relationship. I live him yesterday and I reading this article. I love him and want his to know what he did its wrong and he should think mature and serious on this relationship... I'll try this No Contact and wish me luck

    Reply
  • User

    My ex contacted me after afterfour months .
    Im wonder if he back to hurt my feelings or he no
    Reply me plz

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That is something you would have to consider based on the situation that occurred previously. Consider if the relationship ended on a bad note, or what he's like as a person and whether he's capable of doing something like contacting you just to hurt you. Depending on how you've picked yourself up since the breakup, it should not be as easy for him to hurt you even if he wanted to, since you should be stronger now after the breakup.

      Reply
  • MN

    Two days ago my long distance boyfriend of around 4 months and I talked about loyalty, and that's when he admitted he'd been cheating on me with another girl from a party just one or two days after our last meet-up/date for 2-3 weeks now. He said that he doesn't feel like committing anymore and perhaps never will to anyone in his life, and that he doesn't have too many feelings for me anymore. We had talked about me coming to his country for studies and living with him, and he said he'd be fine with it if I didn't come, and that it would be odd if I lived with him with so little commitment. Regarding the relationship, he said "take it or leave it". He didn't show any remorse, but also didn't break up with me. I suppose he wanted me to do it, because he is a coward.

    Instead of showing any strong reaction or making a definite break, I hung up on him, cutting the convo short with the words "I need to think about this". After just one day of no contact, he texted me saying "How are you feeling". What should I do? A friend of mine says I should tell him I don't feel like talking with him rn and that I need space, but perhaps I should better just ignore it? I am also not sure yet whether I want to take him back. One day wasn't enough for me to really go through it all.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Tell him that you need more space and time to think about it, but judging by the way he has expressed himself, it doesn't seem like he cares very much whether you choose him or not. I would suggest you think things through carefully because this may not even be the case of him losing 'romantic' feelings for you, but one that he's indifferent to the relationship.

      Reply
    • MN

      We talked some more, and he is being Hot and Cold. The next night when he hung out with the girl he cheated on me with, he was online the whole time (instead of focusing on her), and later wrote me (not being sober) "I love you baby" and "Im sorry I've hurt you", but then the next day he was cold again and told me to find someone who is worthy.

      We talked again, he opened up to me about his issues etc., he even sent kiss emoji later, but I didn't respond. He kept flirting with other girls in the group chat, and told me "love you" but then how he is sending someone nude pics. He said, all he would/could do is an "open relationship".

      The thing is, he recently just got homeless and is going through tough times. His self esteem is pretty low. It seems like he is on an Ego trip right now, and simply not capable of sustaining a committed long distance relationship right now. He said in the group chat that we fit pretty well together, but that the distance sucked and he wants to get laid...

      I don't want to leave the group chat, but it seems like perhaps I should, for at least until the No contact period is over, because he is active on there everyday, and him flirting with other girls on it just makes me more insecure. I am not sure what to do. Should I move on for good?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At his stage of life and situation, there's no guarantee when he would change and become more grounded. It may be a better idea as you say to leave the group chat for now, and even consider moving on if your ex is only remaining in contact with you because he wants the emotional connection but would still talk to other girls and flirt around because he's trying to get laid.

      Reply
  • Courtney

    My BF broke up about 2 weeks ago, haven't contacted him since. He carries a lot of insecurities and he said he can't get a connection between us. We have been up and down together for 4 years. He also said we needed to be apart so he could work on his demons. Not sure if I believe there's no connection after 4 years but would like to get your thoughts? Worth persuing? Continue NC? Help!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      4 years is a long time to be together and there's definitely no way to not have a connection after this period. It might be your ex's insecurities that got the better of him, and perhaps the breakup hasn't hit him yet to realize this. If you really love him and want the relationship back, it's definitely worth a shot to pursue things.

      Reply
  • Nick

    okay so my girlfriend told me she wanted a break and we have been on it for a week now. Every morning though at school, she comes towards me like she would before the break up and we go down and get breakfast together, she has also texted me firs a couple of nights . what should i do. should i use the no-contact rule or should i still go with her since she said it's just a break?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since it's just a break, it might be better to stay in contact and slowly try to soften her up and win her back from there. Just remember not to be too pushy about things or you'll risk making the break a permanent thing.

      Reply
  • Tiffany

    So I have known this guy for a few months. We were seeing each other but never committed. About a month or so ago we mutually agreed to take a break from each other due to him needing to figure himself out. Although, his definition of a break was not the same as mine. He kept in contact with me everyday, just not often. I got tired of the "half-ass" communication we were going through and decided to cut it off. I told him it was better to not associate with each other until he figured out what he wanted. I truly believe that he really just needs time to himself and space away from me, but of course in the back of my mind I will always think someone else caught his interest. I also think he may have some other personal problems that is causing this. Are my chances of getting him to come back good if I do the NC rule?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how serious he treated the relationship in the first place. This would determine the likelihood of him moving on during no contact. If he genuinely had interest in someone else, I assume his communication with you would've been less than daily (however, this is contextual). Regardless, if the relationship was meaningful enough to both parties, your application of no contact would probably cause him to think of things, and when you begin to show your changes on social media, he would probably take notice and may even miss you.

      Reply
  • CJ

    Hey,
    So I had been with my now ex-partner for 6 years. He ended things in December but we still lived together and acted as a couple until we were able to move out of our house together at the start of February. We both wanted to keep in contact and remain friends through this difficult time so had been talking each day. We would stay say that we loved each other and I (stupidly) agreed to meet up for sex last week. Unfortunately, I found messages of him flirting with another girl already and confronted him about this which in turn, made him very angry and resentful towards me. I know it was wrong on my part, but I couldn’t help but feel he was only using me for sex/comfort while he tries to move on even though he knows that I still want to work on our relationship. Anyway, we were supposed to see each other on Sunday to hang out before I confronted him about the other girl, but he cancelled after the argument. He still however sent a message later that day that ended with love you. I messaged again on Monday morning to meet up and talk about things, but he declined. So on Tuesday night, I decided to implicate the no contact rule and sent a message similar to the ‘elephant in the room’ to make him aware of it. I honestly was expecting a reply, but he has only ‘read’ the message. I can’t help but think that he is very angry towards me for my mistakes following the break up and will no longer want anything to do with me in future. What happens if I try to contact him after the no contact rule and he leaves me on ‘read’ again? I know I will assume that he will still be angry with me but if after I focus on myself during no contact and realise that I do want to keep fighting for him as a boyfriend but even as a friend, is that even going to be possible if he doesn’t reply? Maybe I am just overthinking because of the current circumstances, but I am so worried that he will go back on his word about wanting to be friends in future. Please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Someone who wanted to use you simply for sex while he focused on moving on may not be worth the effort. However, if you genuinely still want to make things work with him, or even remain friends, the best you can do for now is to give him some space. That's what NC is for, to give him the space and time to let go of negative emotions related to the breakup/you.

      Reply
  • Gwen Rani

    This is my situation..i still with him, but in our relationship he always ignore me, i think he has changed, but when i ask to him, he always said there's no changed within him. He never call me or text me again, we doing an LDR for 3 months. The answer i have in mind is..does the "no contact" period will work on my situation? Please give answer & some clue to me to make him not ignore me & make him fall in love to me again

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should have an honest talk with him about this, and consider walking away first before applying NC if he still insists on being the same. If the LDR started only recently, he may have started to feel less obligated to you, especially when he isn't physically around which results in his behavior of not calling or texting.

      Reply
  • Darrell

    My gf of 6 months dumped me because she is too busy for a relationship (full time job and school). The relationship was very healthy throughout (we never once fought or even disagreed). We left on good terms and told each other we'd stay in touch and possibly look to get back together in the future. But when I started to contact her afterwards she seemed to be pulling away. I did my best to not come across as needy, but it's possible I gave that impression. I've now started no contact and am about a week in. How long should I do no contact for?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should do no contact for around 30 days still, and she may be pulling away because she's trying to cope with the break up and remaining in contact with you would defeat that purpose. You should give her to space for now, and just focus on yourself in the meantime.

      Reply
  • Pete

    My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after an 8 years relationship, claiming she doesn't love me anymore and that she felt unnapreciated, and she felt this deep attraction by a co-worker. We lived togheter for a little over 1 year and I brought my dog, whitch she loves deeply and takes really good care of. I started no contact and moved out the apartment, leaving it available to her until she decides to leave, but she also is not sleeping there and is staying with a friend. Since then she tried to call me and texted me asking if we could talk. I never replied, but then she texted me asking me if it was necessary for her to go to the apartment to take care of the dog, since she knows I'm out for most of the day and usually she would be there for that period. I struggled to reply worrying it would break NC, but then I compared the dog to the child situation and simply replied "no" and she thanked me. Im freaking out because I'm thinking this will be the opportunity for her to meet the guy (I'm preety sure they haven't met outside work yet). I know she will contact me again for this issue and then again to talk about leaving the house permanently (everything of her's is still there) and I'm not sure how to deal with this and if it will considered breaking NC.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC is only meant as a general guideline for people to follow, and based on your given circumstances, should always adjust it accordingly. Don't be too afraid of breaking the rules of NC, especially when it's for a purpose beyond the relationship, such as the dog that you've both come to love and take care of.

      Reply
    • Pete

      Its been 3 weeks since the breakup. Less than 2 weeks ago we had a polite conversation about who keeps what in the apartment and she wanting to keep taking care of the dog to which I (reluctantly) asked if it was wise for us wanting to move forward, and she being in a new relationship, that she kept coming back frequently to the house. She was very assertive in saying that she was not in a new relationship nor she wanted to be and then cried accusing me of keeping her away from the dog, to which I replied that I would never do that, because how much she loves the dog and how much the dog loves her. Moreover, she said she would always be there for me and would keep taking care of the apartment (cleaning and cooking) whenever im not home (of course I said no to that!). Whenever she texts me, I only reply to those concerning the dog and I take my time in doing so and keep it concise. On the contrary, she replies almost immediately after and today I sent her a text by mistake (lol) to which she replied 2h later and apologized saying that only then she saw the text. Im still in NCP and I'm not ready to break it, and im always assuming she's with the guy. Basically I'm very confused about her behavior as i dont know how to interpret her feelings for me.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she insists that she isn't dating anyone new, you're going to have to take her at her word for it. Based on her behavior, there's a chance that she still has some sort of feelings for you, but may be subconsciously projecting her actions based on old habits she's familiar with (during the relationship period). Perhaps continue with NC and when you're done, you could always ease back into things with her - starting with a casual friendship to build up the comfort levels once more.

      Reply
  • Insacurewoman

    Me and my ex were together for 7 months. We moved pretty fast, emotionally and physically. We fell in love in 2 months of being together. We did everything together, told each other everything. There has been times when both of our exs got back in touch with us, messaged us both to try and split us up and that was in the beginning. We became stronger than ever. I had to leave work due to being poorly and I was feeling pressured to go to college, he never did or said anything horrible. He would stay round mine every Saturday but this one Saturday he couldn't as he was busy. We had a car crash 2 weeks before the breakup so he had to bet ride of his beloved car, he was very upset. And I messaged him saying if he didn't want to see me that day all he had to do was say. But he said I was being horrible, I was feeling insacure. I told him I was sorry and that I was feeling upset, he told me he had to have time to think, I asked him if he was going to break up with me. I admit I wouldn't stop messaging him or calling him. He the love of my life. But he came over that day. We talked. I tried everything. He told me he loves me and that I make him happy. But he said that he will have to think about it. But my mum did say he already knew and he sayid he was sorry and left. I messaged him less than a week since we broke up and I messaged him again a couple of days after. Tried to add him on Facebook again. I've stopped even trying to contact him, I want him to miss me and come back. What do I do? Will he just miss me and come back? He left because our future is different he said. He wants me to work and maybe afford a house in 3 years. But who knows w hat will happen in 3 years time. Please I need advice I'm going crazy. We been apart for 3 weeks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The best thing you can do right now, is to actually stop contacting him any further for the time being, and to genuinely spend time working on yourself. We all have to grow up some day, and some people are only willing to progress with a partner who has the same frequency and is working towards the same goals as them.

      Reply
  • Addison Parker

    Hi there! Firstly, I bought your EXBoyfriend Recovery book 2 years ago when I was going through a breakup. It helped so much! However, it was a PDF version and I have lost it! 😩 Eventually, he did come back, but after finding out that he cheated- I didn’t want him. Lol
    Fast forward 2 years later to now. My boyfriend of 6 months, whom I loved with all of my heart, broke up with me about 1 month ago. We had met about 15 years ago and then a mutual friend fixed us up in July of this year. We were quick to talk about all things serious. He got my finger sized in september and had asked me to move in two weeks prior to breaking up with me. When he ended it, it was a very small argument that led to him saying he wasn’t ready to be married and ready for the seriousness of what our relationship had become. I was floored! I ugly cried and begged and pleaded and did all of the things you’re not supposed to do. My world had stopped. Due to needing to make arrangements to get my things out of his house (he had two weeks prior asked me and my daughter to move in), we talked for a couple of weeks after the breakup. Once I got all of our items out of his house, I have not attempted to contacted him since and he hasn’t reached out to me. This was 17 days ago. He had continued being my friend on Facebook but on SuperBowl sunday, he deleted all of our pics as he was around his friends (he posted a pic which is how I knew he was around his friends). To me, this meant that he was making an effort to move on. Though I had already “unfollowed” him, I couldn’t help myself when I saw this so I unfriended him. I didn’t want to watch him as he moved on with his life and removed traces of me and my daughter. It was incredibly painful as I’m sure you can understand. Given the fact that he hasn’t contacted me and he removed our pics, I feel like he is wanting to move on. I’m afraid I’m losing him forever the longer we go without talking and he’s making these changes to his profile for everyone to see. HELP! Should I contact him or has he moved on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may be trying to move on, but that doesn't mean that he already has. Many people get cold feet when things start to become too serious (aka marriage), before suddenly turning the opposite direction to make a dash for it because of the million and one fears that enter their mind. If you really want him back, I would suggest you try to contact him to see if things can be sorted out and whether his fears are rationally thought through. If it turns out to be more than just some irrational fear, and he has genuine issues that led to the break up (that can't be resolved), then you might want to re-evaluate the situation again and decide if you still want to try and give another shot.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Hey, i think i made a big mistake ( or two!). here is my situation: my ex broke up with me two weeks ago. He said that he had thought about it through and was feeling like we didn't have a future together and wanted to be over. At first he said that he still loved me, but the second time he broke up he said, he didn't love me anymore. We talked for a long time about it, I tried to convince him to give me more time, I begged but he was sure. We spent one last day together, ( very nice and loving but sad of course) and as I was living with him in his country and when he broke up, I went back to mine. We talked via text for a day. then I had been implementing nc for eight days when he sent me a message to know how I was and say thanks for me telling our friends to take care of him. I waited a couple of days to answer, to be sure. He hadn't say anything about me ignoring him and he even said to a friend I was hanging out with to tell me hi ( like I hope she is OK and I don't give a damn she is not answering). I then answered because I had seen on another site that when you are a long distance from your ex no contact is not the best, and I am really not sure it would work on him because he really wanted the break up and he has lots to do with his days and he is not the type to obsess over me not replying, and to try to show him I had moved on and was doing good, having friends and everything ( what he had reproached me). The talk was chitchatty, nothing more.
    Also I had been writing my feelings about the break up down, because at first I thought that if I could rationally show him that his feeling of no future was just temporary, and that it would get better ( when I could find new friends and a job in his town) that I would make him realise that he had made a mistake. I sent him this email but I didn't want to beg again so I presented more in a "I want to move on, and have my questions answered, and I'm improving myself" kind of way.

    Do you think those two things killed my chances of getting him back? Did I give him one last dose by answering to his message and stopped his addiction to me, by revealing he had the power? Was trying to rationalise the break up and talking about it again the worst? (I did feel like I needed to do it to stop obsessing over it, but it made him think about the bad things again, made him think again that it was the right choice, instead of letting him miss me)

    He answered to the mail and basically he told me he didn't have the same feelings for me anymore as at the beginning. He looked pretty sure about the break up. Is there any chance left?
    There are still some stuff I want to tell him, that maybe he was wrong on, and that they could have changed with time and effort. Should I reply, to let him think a bit on them? Or should i just go in no contact, with the risk of him thinking I agree,and he made the right decision, or worst that I am so heartbroken (which i am) that i can't reply?
    If I do go in NC, do I tell him?

    Please help me, I am drowning in my own mind!
    Do you guys do personal coaching?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on how the relationship was developed upon back when you guys were together. Your chances are definitely not 0, but from the way things sound, he may have lost his feelings of intimacy and passion towards you, but not in the way that he no longer cares about you. You did well by not presenting yourself in a desperate sort of way, and that may be why he hasn't distanced himself from you. However, since he's still caught up about the negative aspects of the relationship, I would suggest going forward with NC, and if you'd like you could let him know that you're planning to take time off to work on yourself and you hope he could still remain friends with you. There are specific steps which Kevin could guide you on, as part of our personal coaching program. You could contact us directly via our contact page for further information on our coaching program.

      Reply
  • Chris

    Hi my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me new years eve. She claimed we were to different. She likes to do things like drink and go to concerts, bars, big social events. None of that stuff is really for me and i bailed a lot of the times so i guess i could have done a better job at compromising. We both could have done better in our relationship but all she ever said is that she questions our compatibility. Before she broke up with me she told me she loves me and hopes to be friends. I let a month go by of NC and sent her a closure text admiting my flaws so i can improve on myself and i wished her the best and i did say when the time is right id like to be friends. She responded claiming the reason she didnt reach out over that month is because she still gets really upset if she tries to talk to me. Can you guide me in the next direction i also have her blocked on social media. I love this girl so much and i want her back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For the time being, since you have completed NC already, you could always consider initiating casual conversation once more with your ex, and to see where things may lead from there.

      Reply
  • catlady

    We both just turned 40 having spent 13 years in a same-sex relationship, legally married for 3. Our sex life had died off a while ago which made her unhappy and I was working to fix it. Then 2 months ago, coinciding with her 40th birthday, she seemed to have a breakdown, was crying all the time, saying she had been numb for years and felt suffocated, judged and controlled. We agreed to work on these things, she was going to start going out by herself more and we'd get therapy.
    Last Saturday, our anniversary, she admitted that she realized she had fallen in love with a male coworker when he moved to a new job at the start of December. That she hadn't slept with him yet, but has been physical. He is planning to leave his wife of 19 years. She also said that even if it doesn't work out with him, that we are "not good for each other" (everyone we know disagrees with this view and suspects she has been biased by this new man).
    I didn't take it well, I was shocked, I begged her to try to work it out with me, getting more and more upset. (She had no actual plan of leaving and stayed at the house for 2 nights more) during which time I got 0 sleep and ate nothing, eventually developing sleep psychosis, making plans to kill myself and ultimately hitting her. All of this sounds like we had a really terrible relationship, but the sad thing was that it was actually great, and we WERE happy until recently, and I desperately want to make her happy again.
    Anyway, I haven't contacted her since the day she left (Monday). However she just emailed me asking when she can get the rest of her things and when we can talk about dividing our stuff (all our finances are together including the mortgage). She wants me to sign a marriage termination agreement.
    I am not ready to see her, I will box up her things for a friend to deliver and I will sign whatever she needs to feel secure, but I'm unsure of how to respond to her email. Should I reply myself, or ask a friend to be an intermediary?
    Trying to do the right thing but struggling.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should do what you feel is best for yourself and your emotional well-being. If you don't feel ready to reply her email, you could ask a friend to do it on your behalf. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, the reasons for her suddenly acting this way could vary, but the biggest likelihood seems to be mid life crisis where she's struggling to find meaning with her life, especially if you said that she recently turned 40 and everything has been going great up till recently.

      Reply
  • SadGirl

    What if you’re on a timeframe? We hadn’t been together long but I messed up (not majorly, just too eager) and he went silent after I got frustrated with him one day. Problem is he’ll deploy in a few months so in that case, can 30-days turn into 2-weeks?
    I plan to contact him my mailing him a package with a smal gift that is made for him but hadn’t gotten a chance to give him. And I’d ask him to text me...
    What do you think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you haven't been together for a long time, it's definitely possible to reduce the no contact period, as long as it's enough time (in your opinion and circumstance) for him to respond positively towards you.

      Reply
  • clearlyasian

    Hi,

    My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 7 year relationship. I think it's fair to say that the majority of the relationship was long distance but we overcame it by talking everyday and meeting up from whenever we could. Even though it felt like it came to an abrupt end (within the space of two weeks it went from how we had always been to it ending), the problems she mentioned were recognisable when laid out to me at the end - the waning communication, her lack of passion, her unhappiness in the relationship. But these weren't things which had been mentioned prior to the break up so for me it had come out the blue. I don't know if I had been too naive to recognise it or whether it was poor communication. One of the major issues was our lack of integration with each other's families - but that's too complicated to explain coming from traditional Asian backgrounds.

    As abrupt as it felt, I still envisage a future with her. Now that I know what went wrong, I know how things have to be different. It was both our first relationships and it really felt like one that'll last. I haven't looked at another girl the same way. We began the no contact as soon as the break up conversation ended and neither of us had said a thing to each other, but I feel like even the 90 days recommended is too short a time before reapproaching her. From August, I will be closer to her geographically and I was wondering whether it would be a good idea to reapproach her then even if she's come to terms with it and moved on. As much as I'd love to get back with her, I don't want to push her away by invading the space she needs.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No Contact is not a time frame set in stone but rather the amount of time you personally feel is needed. 30/60/90 days are only an estimate gauge for general scenarios, but everyone has different needs. If you feel that August would be a better time, then give her more space for now, and perhaps contact her again only closer to the date to initiate contact before you shift. She should have let go of any negative emotions by then, considering there were no major fights or things turning ugly at the end.

      Reply
  • Briana Kimora Lewis

    My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere likke a week after the new year. He told my he did not feel anything anymore that he needs to find himself/i need to be alone and that we can still be friends. From day one of this year he has not been himself he has got into a physical fight with his brother and getting into it with people at work..hes normally not aggresive like that. After he broke up with me he deactivated his facebook left all our pics and relationship status still in place..he saud he was just over social media..told me to text him through regular text. He texted me everyday for a week after we broke up and we seen each other 2 times...he never blocked my from any thing. And he changed my netflix name but did not delete the profile. I am doing no contact for 5 days now. I still love him but i think he is bipolar or he has a mood problem /depression..he goes through feeling numb every few months but this is the worst i have ever seen him. He smokes weed everyday to surpress his emotions..i just dont know what to to i feel stuck..we have been in each others lives almost 2 years

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there was a trigger that caused him to turn so extreme, maybe it's something you should consider seeing how you can support him on it. It's clear that he's not in the best frame of mind, and if things are really extreme, I would recommend you to strongly suggest he seeks help professionally, as things could get worse if left unchecked.

      Reply
    • Briana

      I think the trigger was the new year...he is suppose to be trying to get his own place this year as in probably march ..but he has no money saved up plus alot of family issues. He doesnt want to ask me for help i think cuz its a man/pride thing.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I understand where you're coming from about the male pride issue, since I have been guilty of it too. However, there are other ways to support your man without hurting his pride. We don't ask for help because we don't want to seem incapable of handling our own issues. While you may not be able to support him on the issue itself, you could always go about by being there for him, doing sweet little gestures to brighten his tough day/week.

      Reply
  • Niki

    Hi there, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago after 2.5 years together. We were deeply in love and he said at the time that he still loved me and would learn not to. The issue is that he is 26 and I am 44 and I have a 6 year old child from a previous relationship. He says he is not ready to be a step-dad or live as a family and that he wants children but not for another 5-10 years, and that counts me out. He says that love isn't enough and that he wants to follow convention even if it means the person he ends up with isn't someone he loves as much as he loves me. I am devastated. This is also our second attempt to be together. He broke up with me last April 2017 for the same reasons. After 6 weeks he said he'd made a terrible mistake and couldn't be without me, that I was his soul mate and we were meant to be together. It lasted 7 months until he broke up with me on 1 January 2018. I feel like he is the only person I have ever loved this much in my life and that he is making a terrible mistake which he may only realise many years down the line, but I can't convince him anymore - I have to do the no contact to try and heal and see what happens. Do you think that I should try and rekindle the relationship again in 30 or more days or is this hopeless? We will always have the same issue but our relationship was incredible in every other way.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like he isn't emotionally ready to settle down, and it isn't something that can be resolved within 30 days. If you're going to be fair to yourself, it might be a better idea to walk away since he may not be ready for another couple of years as you've mentioned.

      Reply
  • Nina

    My girlfriend of 3 and a half years left me 3 months ago. It was difficult because we weren't allowed to see each other because her parents couldn't accept that she was gay. We could only see each other at varsity therefore she left me because she didn't want me to get hurt by her family anymore and we argued too much about her family and we both had trust issues. We went through so much together and I don't understand how after everything she can just move on and pretend like nothing ever happened. She told me to move on but she still wants to be friends and do things together. I believed what we had was real so I made the mistake to beg and pushed her even further away now we don't talk anymore.I really miss her in my life. Should I try the no contact rule and then try to be her friend or should I just write her off?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would depend entirely on what you want. If you feel that it is better to write her off and the pain you feel is not worth it, you should walk away from her completely. However, if you still feel that you want to be together with her, start with no contact to give her some space and time, since she may have a negative view on you right now for begging her.

      Reply
    • Kelli

      Similar ending situations and its hard.

      Reply
  • Sean

    I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years about a year ago before we went to university. To this day I still regret it.
    I didn't break up with her because we were going to university, we were actually going to the same school. I just thought that she didn't appreciate me for the things I did for her, but it was really me who was being a child and being immature. She's a very sweet and caring person, and to this day I love her more than anyone on this planet.
    A couple weeks after I moved in to my school, I messaged her to meet up. We did and I basically begged her to get back together. She said no to me and for the next 6 months I made things horrible but pleading more and more looking like a fool. After that, I became angry at her, resenting her and not letting anyone bring her name up, but alas it was still my immaturity that got the better of me. It took about a year from the break up to get on normal talking terms again. She still loves me, I doubt anywhere close to how much I love her right now, but we had an amazing relationship and I know she thinks the same. Part of me still thinks she wants to be with me, but needs to see improvement in me.
    I'm still so mad for her, after over a year I still can't be with another woman. What are your thoughts? Anything would help. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on your end goal on whether it's to win her back or to move on. If you want her back, you should make those improvements to your life as you had said, and put your pride or anger aside because it would only serve to backfire on you. If your goal is to walk away and move on, bear in mind that you've already gone through several stages of grief since the break up (denial, anger, bargaining and probably some depression) and the only part left is acceptance, which has prevented you from moving on.

      Accept everything that has happened regardless, and let go of your anger before any steps can be deemed effective.

      Reply
  • Nicole

    My wife decided that she wanted a divorce about 2 weeks ago, and she moved out 2 days ago. I definitely made the mistake of begging and pleading for her to come back. She has insinuated subtly that she has doubts about her decision, but also says that she doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to get my hopes up. She is a divorce attorney, and filed for a divorce immediately - however, she says that she did so to get the date into the system and has not served me with the papers. She was going to start drawing up a divorce agreement, but does not seem to be in a huge hurry to do so. Would you say that I should go "No Contact" even when a divorce has been filed? I'm worried that we will be so far into the divorce process in a month that it will be hard to slow down. I'm also concerned that if she does present an agreement, and I'm following No Contact, all of our communication will be about the divorce agreement and could be contentious. Also, we have two kids, so we will need to be communicating about them during this time. Would you say No Contact is still the best option in my situation?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she has not thrown the idea of getting back together out (even though she didn't agree either), it's a start. No contact may make matters a little worse in your case, but it depends on the context of why she wants the divorce in the first place. If it's something that can be worked on, I suggest you try to sort things out first, and try to convince her to get back together with you. Bear in mind you should not put too much pressure on her or she would only be more firm on her decision.

      Reply
  • Derrel

    Its only been about 1.5 weeks since the initial break up and I went through absolute hell the first couple of days and did EVERYTHING that your guide said not to do. I felt like a fool after reading through everything and realizing the gravity of the mistakes I was doing by reaching out, pleading, not giving time.

    I have only started true no contact for a brief 2 days now after many text messages and calls. Yesterday there was a huge Island event (I live on the Caribbean island of Curacao) where there was a huge boat/yacht get together....thousands of people in a little bay. And yet I ended up on a boat parked just one away from the one my ex was on...what are the fricken chances?!?! I ignored her, and tried with all my strength not to look at her...and i did succeeded. Today she sent me a message. I did respond according to your section on how to start text messaging once no contact is over. Now the reason i responded instead of ignoring it is because one of the issues I had during my relationship was that I took her for granted and did not show her the attention/affection she needed (I purposely held it back because of my own insecurities and reasons that I AM working on right now....therapist included). There were countless times in the past that she would message me and I would purposely not really pay much attention to it, or let my self forget about it. She has brought this up in a few discussions in the past and it did bother her greatly.

    Now back to the reason that I did respond: In my head, i was thinking that part of me changing, bettering myself, allowing myself to open up and give someone the attention I truly do want to give them, would be to properly respond to text messages in a timely fashion and not brush them off with a shrug.

    In a case like this i didn't want her to think about all the times she must have felt the annoyance about me not responding and then think "oh so he's not changing after all". It was a lack of respect and attention that got me into this mess, and I did not want it to make it any worse.

    So, in a case like this, if she does respond to me again in a couple days, weeks, should I completely ignore her or just send her a positive, straight-to-the-point message as prescribed by your guide?

    Many thanks,

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Reply her with a to the point message, letting her know that you're currently working to improve yourself and require some space to make changes in your life.

      Reply
  • D

    my boyfriend of a year and two months broke up with me 4 days ago he said he lost feelings for me and wanted me out of his life im wondering if he really meant that or only said that because i pushed things too hard to be back to normal i became clingy and tried giving him affection after trying multiple failed attempts of giving him space and trying to plan a date to sort things out everything started to go downhill within a span of about 3 months due to some petty arguement that i dont even remember at this point i really do still love him and really dont want to lose him for good do u have any suggestions as in what i could do and if he'll ever love me or care about me again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could have lost affection for the way you are now or the way he remembers you to be. Since that is the case, applying no contact would be the best solution as it gives him the space to let go of memories with you, and for you to make changes in your life which can be shown at the end of the NC period. This might re-kindle the spark that he lost.

      Reply
  • Krsna

    My ex boyfriend broke up last june 2016. He lives in u.s. and im here in the philippines. The reason that i know why he broke up with me is because i cant go to u.s and he has not got his greencard yet so je cant come home. He started again communicating with me last year and got his green card. We talked everyday and night just like we used to.he told me about his coming home to philippines and told me he wants to see me and chance of getting married like what he promise me 2 years ago. Then come sept 2017 he met a girl from the philippines too through chat and months later we seldom talked to each other. I suspected that he is busy talking to this girl. Last christmas he came home but didnt see me and this jan2 2018 i found out that he is already in a relationship with this girl he knew for 3months. I talked to him and confirmed it. I asked if he loves her but he said he dont know if he loves her. I told him i still love him and i know he knew that all the time bacause we have been together 6years on and off then we got back together after 6years on and off again. And after that conversation i have spoke to each other. I still love him how do i get him back. Please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to give him the space to figure these things out. He's emotions may be in a whirl right now because he's talking to the new girl which provides an exciting and fresh change of pace from what he's used to. Certain situations like these you can't control how the other party feels or his intentions. You have to let him go ahead and make the decision on his own, and if the relationship you shared with him was meaningful enough, he would eventually come back once he sees the changes you've made to yourself from NC.

      Reply
  • Ralph

    My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me just before Christmas. She found out that she was pregnant and we had been trying for almost 2 years. She immediately told me she was not going to have my child because I had not paid to fix the transmission in her car (I did give her $700 to help). Again not wife, but girlfriend. I bought a house in November and we were supposed to move together with her son and my daughter. I asked her to reconsider and she told me she would keep the baby but I was not worth it. Its been almost a month of NC. I still miss her dearly, but she is cold hearted and every conversation I tried to have would become confrontation. I don't know if I want her back, but I am also concerned as I heard from a mutual friend that she has put on some more weight, and shes a very petite lady, 4'11 109lbs. I am kind of hoping she decided to keep our baby, but I don't know how much of her meanness i can put u p with and I see how her sons father's side of the family gets treated by her. In addition shes smoking a smoking hot Russian immigrant, and she used to be my next door neighbor before we ever started dating. The question is first, I cannot make her change her ways...she has to do it. I am no gonna wait on her, but I keep wondering if its even worth it with her. She has been married 5 times in the last 20 years also, so it's not just me who has a problem with her personality.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, in this situation, it's really more of your choice on what's important to you. If she cannot change her personality, and refuses to do so, you'll have to be prepared to accept it ever there's a second chance.

      Reply
    • Ralph

      She swings harder that a ride at Disney World, this is not the first time shes broken up with me but I was always the one to try and make it work. But, to relegate a child that I made to a transmission in a car is just pathetic. It hurt me badly as she got a chemisal abortion and dumped me in the span of a week. I did more than probably any man she has ever dated. I am a PhD biologist so I helped her with all of her school work, computer science math and English too, and I personally fixed the AC and radiator in her car. I literally moved into the house that she helped me pick out in November, and I don't see that she will change anytime soon, but I will keep the NC for 3-4 months and see where she is and if shes mean spirited still, I guess I have to completely let her throw herself to the lions. I have at times gone to the nearby gas station and guys talking about the "Russian lady" that came in with her bathing suit and a towel and obviously it was her, but she has some serious personality issues. I don't know if you shouldn't talk about the problems during NC, but I have a paper trail to show that I never once mistreated her and all of the problems she brought to me I lots a potential child in t his and I really feel bad for her son in particular because he's only 10 and she cannot do algebra. I don't even know if I want her back, but right now I do very much because for 2 years she was all I had as far as a lady. I never cheated or fooled around on her.

      Reply
    • Ralph

      How long would you suggest no contact? I know there is not a secret recipe, but I just feel that 4 weeks can't be sufficient as this behaviour keeps coming up. She has been married 5 times. I was to be the 6th. But I also know she can move forward but she won't forget me for some time. Our sexual chemistry was tit for tat and I hold hope for her change. I just dont know if I should break NC or wait and see if she will.

      Reply
  • Somvan

    Hi, I was dating my girlfriend for 5 years. I had some anger issues and she tried to give me a lot of chances. I failed every time and took her for granted. This September I was about to visit her as we were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. She told me that she wanted to break up and move on as she couldn’t see me changing a bit. I tried to beg and convince her but she showed no emotions. We continued talking but after few days she started talking very rudely and even blocked me on Instagram.i tried to convince her to come back through text messages and kept on trying to talk to her. But she said that she doesn’t want to date me ever again even if I became the best man in the world. Though I didn’t want people or friends to talk to her about me but some did which I think made her more angry at me. I decide to shift to her city and Told her that. She removed my number from contact then I desperately decided to meet her and sent her flowers as secret Santa and decided to go and meet her near her place. But she panicked and she had a team party and there was some scene . She yelled at me and told me to go away and never come back in her life. She even deleted our pictures from her Insta account. Blocked me on every app possible and I haven’t contacted her till now. I sent her a happy new year text but she didn’t reply. I know I screwed up. But now I’m working on my anger issues. We had few physicals fights as well. What should I do? How should I approach this phase and problem in my life. I used to travel every month to her city to meet her. During the break up she would some times talk to me very nicely and sometime very rudely. What do you think I should do ? What should be my approach ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If your anger issues are on the more serious note, I suggest first seeking help before anything. Right now, without actually working on anger management (which definitely takes time), any relationship you go into whether with her or someone else would cause the same issues. She says that she doesn't want to date you again even if you become the best man in the world, and that's because she has confidence that you won't be able to change. Prove her wrong, and win her over again when the opportunity comes. For now, since she's blocked you off every media, there's not much you can do but move on and just focus on yourself until the opportunity opens up again.

      Reply
  • Troy

    Hi, me and my girlfriend broke up a month ago, we were together for 1 and half years. We haven't seen each other in a month and we have had NC for 3 weeks. Last time she talked to me she said that she misses me and wasn't sure if she was making a mistake. Since then we have gave each other our space and haven't had any contact. I have seen other sites recommend minimum 3 weeks. I was going to text her after 3 weeks NC and just see how she was using a reminder text, and slowly build the connection back and see how things go. Is 30 days really recommended?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The difference between 3 weeks and 30 days isn't huge and typically, it's meant as a guideline because everyone's situation is different. Some people require more space than others based on how the breakup happened.

      Reply
  • Ricky

    So my girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. I was so hurt and i kept begging her for two weeks. At first she would tell me it was because something inside her changed and she didn’t want a relationship right now and we could get back together in the future. But as i kept texting her and begging her for the next two weeks, i made it worse and she even told me she doesn’t want me as a friend and she would never date me again one day that i called her and upset her. Do you think she meant these words? Also, i was in no contact for about a week until yesterday when she texted how i was. I broke NC and we had a decent conversation kinda about catching up and i said something funny and she said lol. But now i think I’m more confused and hurting again because i don’t know if she was just contacting me because she feels bad or something. Please help me and ask me questions if you need more info

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC as you had planned to, before deciding on how you want to proceed. She may have said those things out of anger and irritation back then because you probably came across as needy and desperate. Give her some space, and since she's already texted you once, it goes to show that she still has some concern for you.

      Reply
  • Maddie

    My ex and I were on and off for almost a year. Last time we broke it off was oct. But we kept in touch and have hooked up since then. I now live with my parents which is miles away from him. I am doing the no contact rule now. And it has been 12 days. But 3 days ago he liked my poem on ig and viewed my story 2 days in a row. Is there a chance I can still get him back? I was extremely clingy when we broke it off the last time. Is the no contact really going to work? If so how long should it be?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would work as long as your mindset is correct. The whole point of no contact is to work out whatever personal issues you felt caused the relationship to end as well as to pick yourself up from the hurt of the breakup. Our recommendation is around 30 days and if he does love you, when you end the NC period and talk to him, he should still have feelings towards you.

      Reply
  • Gavin

    Hi there,

    My ex broke with me after 2yrs, about 10 days ago. She picked up that I wasn’t 100% committed to settling down why her. Truth is I’d love to, but only really seeing that now! Anyway when she broke with me, I went pretty desperate begging her to come back. I am now on NC 5 days. Her birthday and Christmas are coming up. It’s going to be hard to keep the NC. Is it really my best option for getting back together? Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, it definitely will be the best option, especially if you had gotten desperate and begged for a second chance. You have to give her some space to let go of that negative impression you made in doing so. Even if her birthday and Christmas is coming, I suggest still continuing with NC until you've made some changes and picked yourself up.

      Reply
  • Matt Hopkins

    I was recently broken up with a month ago, after 8 months or so of "chasing>dating>relationship". Looking back- we possibly jumped into the relationship too fast, and eventually, i ended up being a doormat/chasing her vs. her chasing me. The team effort went away, and it was very lopsided. I was not challenging her- and she clearly got tired of "routine" After going through the devastation- I am well on my path to bouncing back and becoming my best version.

    A few week after the break up, i wrote her a note just letting her know i respect and appreciate her, to avoid any bad blood. After returning from a wedding that we were planned to go to, and celebrating my birthday (without her), I had requested that she give me space, which I thought was implying not to contact me. That was breached a few times which I was thrown off by- whether contact is an issue of hers, or there is something deeper. After 2.5 weeks of no contact on my end, I reached out to let her know it was not acceptable to reach out to me, unless she was ready for a change.

    Without reading your content- I left the discussion as "Im out of this and not interested in being your friend. Call me if that changes"

    Has the door shut- or is this simply a "time will tell" type situation? I am committed to no contact and solely improving myself and my skills in women/relationships. It’s already been 8 days and I feel much better.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's good that you take no contact seriously. Ultimately, what you do should be dependent on what your goals are. If your goal is to one day get back together with her, you shouldn't completely shut the door, but to keep her more in suspense and reminiscent of you. Since this has already happened, just complete your NC and recovery before deciding on a subsequent action.

      Reply
  • Sophie

    Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for two years. we already had a break for 8 months without contact. At that time he decided to not to talk to me and get some space. We got back together in November last year (when he got in touch with me) and only recently I found out he was cheating on me. I don't understand why he did it, we didn't get a chance to talk about it. I broke up with him via txt. He blocked me which is fine with me as currently I feel pain and don't know if I will be able to trust him again. At the same time I have moments I want him back - it's like hate and love at the moment however I can't think of talking to him right now as it will be painful. Do you think this no contact rule can make him to contact me one day again? Im not sure myself if I want him to contact me but I do wonder if this works for those who cheated and if the relationship can be ever restored as by reading different articles cheating is serious and affect a relationship that it's hard to recover from it. What are your thoughts/advise please?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi There,

      it's normal to feel conflicted over wanting him back and forgiving him in these situations. No contact isn't entirely meant for him to contact you but for you to recover from the break up and the pain, so that you're able to make a rational decision at the end of it after you've recovered with regards to whether you want him back or not. He may or may not contact you during this time, depending on how he feels and whether he's still sleeping with other people.

      Reply
  • MG

    hi my ex and i have been together for 9 years and she left me for a man and we broke up last oct 17.. but in between the break up we still talk. because she said that i am her bestfriend and i believe that she has broken up with the man that she left me for. up until now we still communicate though she blocks on her phone me every morning and talk to me at night. is it too late to try the 30 day no contact rule? i want her back and im worried that if i totally ignore her then i wont be able to win her back. we are in the same sex relationship. does the 30 day no contact rule apply to same sex relationships? or should i just move on.. pls advise

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, NC applies regardless of same sex or different. It's strange that she only contacts you at night but blocks you in the mornings. You might want to find out why, probably after NC, and if it's the reason that she has something to hide, you might want to consider walking away from this.

      Reply
  • Alec

    My name is Alec. Me and my girlfriend broke up after 1.5 years. I lied and she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. I know I messed up and I told her that. She asked for space and I'm on day 3 of no contact. I'm worried that she won't contact me at all during the 30 days. And it's so hard cause everything bad that could happen is going through my head. She still loves me and cares. I'm also deployed and won't be back for 4 more months. Any advise

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Don't let your instincts get the better of you. It honestly shouldn't matter whether she contacts you or not during this period, since the goal of it is to give each other space, and for both parties to let go of any negative emotions or hurt they may have. At least after the NC period, you're able to approach her again with new found confidence and a changed perspective and she may have forgiven you by then for lying.

      Reply
  • Michael Marshall

    Hi i had been with my ex for 11 years and have been broken up for 7 weeks is it too late to start my no contact even if she has blocked me on fb and everything else and tells me she hates me even though i know she doesn't is it to late ??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If NC is able to pick your emotions back up again, then no it's not too late. Right now she may say she hates you (whether she does or not is a different story), but that may subside with time, which is the goal of NC - to let time pass, give both parties space to recover and grow, before figuring out if you still want it to work or not.

      Reply
  • ronin

    Hello
    My original message didn't show up.

    P.S. Day 7 of no contact. She called me but I didn't answer. Please advise!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      Complete NC to your best ability and use that time to focus on yourself. If the reason she called was anything other than an important issue which required your involvement, I suggest not answering and if you need to, be honest and just tell her you need some space to work on yourself.

      Reply
  • Ethan T.

    My girlfriend of 4 years and I just broke up 2 days ago and i want to be committed to the no contact rule but her birthday is next week. Is it a bad idea to just send her a text saying "happy birthday"? Would that break the no contact rule?

    Reply
  • Taylor

    Hi,
    So a brief background on my ex and I. We were together for almost 3 years then he broke up with me because he started questioning whether he wanted this anymore, he was very conflicted and I think he is worried because he had never been with anyone else and he feels like he is missing out on the college experience by having a serious gf. He kept saying he still loves and cares for me and he never wants me out of his life and he wants to be friends, etc. after we first broke up we continued talking and we met up a few times and talked and he said multiple times “I think one day I might want to get back together just not yet”. We hooked up and stayed friends for a while, then I asked for another chance and we have it a week of dating and it went perfectly in my eyes and everything was back to being the same but at the end of the week he broke up with me again and said “I just don’t want a relationship” and he told me there was nothing I could say or do to change that. I love him so much and I want to get back together and I am worried I messed up by not doing the no contact rule to begin with. Since we broke up 3 days ago I haven’t spoken to him except once when we ran into one another on campus and we spoke for about an hour just catching up. Is it too late for me to have a chance at getting back together? Could the no contact rule still possibly work on showing him that he misses me and we have something special?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, I think right now he's at the stage where he wants to have fun and explore. It may not be something that's within your control, so it might be better to apply NC with the intention of focusing on yourself and recovering from any hurt you feel. Him missing you should only come as a bonus. It really depends on his level of emotional maturity, and if a guy isn't ready to settle down, even if you guys get back together, he will still bring up the same reason to break up down the road.

      Reply
  • Tim

    My girlfriend and I had been together for going on 8 years. The past two and a half years we have been on and off since her mother passed away and things got really difficult. Her father then passed away last year and she has been even more of a wreck. I try my best to be there for her but every few months she breaks up with me and tells me that she is scared to let anyone get close anymore because everyone just ends up leaving her anyway. We got back together and she promised me it was forever this time and said she couldn't wait to get married so I bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her next month. She broke up with me three weeks ago again and both of us have been fairly mean to each other and she tells me that it is over. I have heard these things from her before but she has always ended up coming back to me. I truly love this girl and really want to spend my life with her, but how many times can I allow her to break up and come back together before I say enough is enough? Each and every time, I am the one who ends up hurt and she goes out and parties like everyday. I understand she has went through a traumatic experience but is it fair for her to continuously push me out of her life and then pull me back in at her convenience? Do you think the no contact rule will help her to realize that one of these days I am not going to come back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Tim,

      What I can advise you from my experience is that yes, she's had it tough and has every reason to be scared to let anyone get close. At the same time however, it's also a convenient excuse to use to walk away from anything that becomes too difficult for her to face. If you really love her and want to spend your life with her, it's something that you will have to learn to accept (especially if she does not see it as a problem), if not, like you say, it's not fair to you as well to continuously get hurt and pushed away. No contact may help if you guys have a strong relationship and she's dependent on you but if not, as someone who has an escapism mentality, she may end up walking away too.

      Reply
  • Suchitra

    Hi kevin
    Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago and i am in no contact rule for 2 weeks.The reason for break up was he had no time for me and he started ignoring me like no calls no messages he started to tell so many lies to ignore me .so we had a fight and had a break up.but he is trying to contact me every day and sending messages..the message pattern was like..hi how r u?hws ur day? Where r u now? Like that..should i respond or continue no contact rule?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're going through NC at the moment, I suggest avoiding small talk until the end of the period. Try not to give in to your emotions and to reply to small talk as it may cause whatever emotions you've been working on to recover to go back to when you guys broke up.

      Reply
  • Wendy

    Me and my boyfriend has been together for one year. But among 12 months, he is in Us for 9 months.So we had only 3 months together. we were absolutely okay. He loves me a lot. But he started to change after our one year anniversary. We two hav lots of conflict and fight a lot. Last week we fought cus he was having fun at party till 12 once a week. So I told him come back early then we fought. After fighting for a few days’ we broke up. But I begged him. So we were in contact. But today he told me tht he loves another girl who is in same collage and lives in same state. He said he want to try tht girl. Even though they are not dating yet, they seems okay for last few week. He also said he want someone beside him and wants someone during X’mas.
    So if I use No contact rule, will things get worse?
    Will he move on?
    Help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      I have to be honest, a long distance relationship is hard for many people to do successfully since many individuals require human contact. Many people end it eventually because they are unable to cope with having a partner that they only see once every 3-4 months. If he does like another person, and you're in another state/country and can't do anything about it, my answer to you is to suggest moving on, and protect yourself from getting hurt.

      Reply
  • Ria

    I dated my boyfriend for three months and then remained in a long-distance relationship for another three months. He was the one to talk about getting married in future, etc. Promised that he'd wait for me to return (I am supposed to return in another six months). We'd planned to meet for Christmas, but he suddenly started pulling back, pointing out differences between us and talking less and less. I didn't nag him at all but asked what's going on. He said it's useless to continue because we have differences and he said that he can't swallow a big fish like me (implying accepting differences). I said okay, I respect his decision and went to no contact. He messaged asking if i would never talk to him again, and I said I don't wish to contact him again. He dismissed my comment as "nonsense" and the next day said he misses me. I haven't replied at all. In fact, not sure if I want him back because part of me doesn't trust this person anymore. Even if he comes back, he might decide to leave again at some point as he's not afraid of losing me. The problem now is that I am unable to focus on anything and the feelings of rejection are making my self-esteem very, very low. I have been doing everything I can to make myself happy, but it doesn't work. I have always been the dumpee in relationships, so I am really struggling to stay happy and emotionally healthy. I don't know what to do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi There,

      As you have always been the one who ends the relationship, it would take getting used to being on the opposite end. I suggest continuing with no contact and just take some time to focus on yourself. This includes going out with your friends, focusing on work/school, spending more time in the gym or exercising in general, and basically just keep yourself busy so you don't have time or energy to think about the rejection or him. This would eventually allow you to naturally overthink less.

      Reply
  • Hema

    Heyyy there I,m Hema. I had been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years but we were in long distance relationships. Due to severe financial crisis, my boyfriend asked space from me. He said he wants the space so that he could concentrate in becoming successful and in fact he said that I could also concentrate in my studies more he said. He did called me twice in this period of space which begin 2 weeks ago. I didn't make any call but nagged him by texting. He said he will stand for me once he settled in his life with wealth. So, what should I do now? It is very hurtful knowing that I can't talk or even visit him anymore. Tears were running out of my eyes like rain.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      Perhaps you could talk to him to come to a common consensus? I don't think you guys need to break up just to focus on your own paths since a strong relationship would have to go through obstacles and difficulties together. However, it's also important to understand that the real world may not work the same way. If he does not want to find a compromise on this and insists on having space to focus on his goals, you would have to respect his wishes.

      Reply
    • Hema

      Thank you for the kind advice. So, should I follow no contact rule perhaps he could change his mind? Or I just wait for him till he becomes successful and fulfilled all his desired goals as he wished earlier. For now, we completely not talking or messaging to each other. He didn't block me from any social websites too. I also stopped posting status related to him. I do miss him a lot and afraid of losing him :(

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest to have one last talk with him to understand why he just can't be with you right now and if it's something that can be worked on. As I said in the previous message, obstacles like these are meant to be overcome as a couple. If he does not respond positively, your only choice would be to walk away from this relationship for now or you would end up hurting yourself even further. I'm not saying completely forget him but rather, just focus on yourself and work on making yourself happy and proving to yourself that you're a strong and independent person who does not need to rely on another to feel emotionally secure.

      Reply
  • kashal Hasan

    Hi Kevin. Last week we broke up. He left me cos i'm jealous. I tried to follow no contact rule, but today he called me to say hello. I dont know if I broke the rule or not. I just picked his call I said i'm fine. please help me I need your help as this rule helped me before to get back my previous bf.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You didn't break the no contact rule since you merely answered to tell him you were doing fine. If you really want to be together with him, my suggestion is that if he wants you back, you could always allow him back into your life (if you're ready for it) but it's important to work on your jealousy issues and not be so insecure about the relationship.

      Reply
  • Javid

    I just spent about 2 hours to read multiple articles you've written about getting my ex girlfriend back. I can briefly tell you what happened:
    I lost sight about how good the relationship was going, because I found myself playing video games too much and stop caring about her for whatever reason. Her and I have this ongoing thing since 2013 where we have feelings for each other but it never really worked out. In 2016 all circumstances met and we got to be a couple for 1,5 years. We loved each other a lot up until the end. But for some reason I decided to break up, because I didn't attempt to fix the relationship or listen to her the last 2-3 months. I really regret my decision of breaking up and am since seeking advice on how to win her back. I have panicked about 3 weeks after breaking up, as soon as I found out that she is with the guy she called "best friend". Her and I agreed to initially pause the relationship up until New Year's and then talk and see if we try it again. She loved me to the moon and back and I threw it away and now want it back. Due to my panicking I obviously talked to her, texted her and did all the mistakes you can do for a little less than a week. I've just started the no contact rule. But we also agreed on talking after New Year's. Now my questions:
    - Do all articles apply on when the guy broke up first?
    - Does the no contact rule apply even though we pretty much agreed on not talking?

    I feel very lost and all I want is another chance to make things right with her. Can you give me some personal advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Javid,

      Our articles are general in the sense that it does not matter if you broke up first or she did as it isn't gender specific. Not all scenarios and tips will be relevant to you and this would be something you have to decide for yourself on which points to adopt for your situation. Also, what you and your ex decided to do (not talking until New Years) is pretty much how our no contact rule works, just that individuals normally would not reach that decision on their own accord. Spend this NC period figuring out on ways you can improve on yourself if you were to chase her again, as you don't want the same outcome happening. However, do take note as well that you shouldn't obsess over her as this period is meant for you to recover from a break up and create a better version of yourself for whoever you choose to date in the future.

      Reply
    • Javid

      We met and talked through some of the things, cause mainly she thought my entire friends and family would not want to see her ever again. The reason for her thinking this way, was that she jumped into another "relationship" a week after breaking up. Of course this crushed me and I wanted to have some clarity. She did not talk to me about her new guy but i told her, that my door and the door to my family is open and i will wait, but i won't be your safety net. You would have to decide one day. There is one more thing: She is being extremely rebellious at the moment. She drinks every weekend and smokes and is out every single night even though she has a full time job. I told her, that she won't be able to live on like that forever and that it will damage her. Her answer was: Maybe i need that damage to understand.
      And I kept my offer: I am here for you, my door is open - but don't make a decision that you're going to regret.
      Now we are back into NC. I honestly am prepared for her to never come back, but there is a little hope left inside of me. But mainly I am trying to move on, even though it hurts so, so bad.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It will honestly be better for you to leave that hope behind because it will damage equally to how drinking and smoking will damage her. Right now since she has a new relationship, it should be the time you start focusing on moving on and and not linger or she would think that you're going to be her safety net like you've said.

      Reply
  • Anita

    My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We never stop contact and I slept with him once after the breakup but then I found out that he took another girl for dinner just 3 days after that. So I got really hurt and mad and I told him that I knew it . Just to hurt him I told him I didn't felt the same anymore and that I was seeing someone else so for him to leave me alone and I block him from all the social media but now I feel bad that I lied just to hurt him

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Anita,

      How do you feel about him right now? Also, how does he feel about you? There's many different paths you can choose to take right now depending on your goal but if you want to get back together with him, I suggest being honest about your feelings.

      Reply
  • Susan Randy

    Hi, I am in classes with my ex, and have to see him everyday, how do I do this and also incorporate the no contact rule?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Susan,

      You can refer to this article for more information on how to face your ex if you have to see him on a daily basis.

      Reply
  • O

    Hey I have 6 days left to my 30 day and my ex text me with about a meme that made her think of me. I responded short and 24 hrs later. Did i break the no contact?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      Technically, yes but don't worry since NC serves as a guideline to follow to every individual's best ability and it's rules aren't set in stone. Since you replied short and 24 hours later only, I think you're doing okay.

      Reply
  • Kaci

    Hello Kevin, I could use some help here I would greatly appreciate it.
    For some background information:

    Me and my ex met about a year and a couple months ago on a mutual game we played. We talked and got closer more and more as the days went on. He chased me first/admitted his feelings to me first in the beginning. As time went on he became a bit more detached because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and didn't want to waste my time, has a lot of baggage etc. And often his own personal issues made the "relationship" (even though it wasn't official at that time) difficult and stressful for me. For both of us. Well, fast forward, he recently *a few months ago* decided he wanted to be exclusive with me. I agreed, of course. However, we recently broke up because of his trust issues. It was a very surprising way that we broke up, to me, because we unfortunately did fight often about some littler things, but that wasn't even what broke us up in the end. What broke us up was me looking at a video a close female friend showed me of her and her boyfriend cuddling naked/maybe having sex (but you couldn't see anything at all). I told him how I thought it was cute/sexy and how I want to do it with him but he took it as disrespectful to him I looked at the video at all. I was hurt and dumbfounded. We had our last conversation that day on Halloween, and it was all over the place-- we went from both saying, "you're right this won't work but we tried and we wish the best for each other" to being nonchalant to him saying "I tried to work on my baggage/issues because I love you" to him saying "I hate myself and still want you around" to him finally saying" No, that's not fair of me to say, goodbye." I've been feeling up and down since then. We both play the same online game but I unfriended him on it and all other social medias. I did, stupidly, however ask a mutual friend on that game if he is doing okay. The friend responded that "to my knowledge, yeah." That friend most likely told him I asked. Would this be breaking the no contact rule? Do you think there would be a chance we could look back at this months later with a clearer mind and (maybe) get together again, or at least friends? What do you think I need to do? What do you think is on his mind? Thank you for reading.

    -Kaci

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Kaci,

      To answer your question, no you did not explicitly break the no contact rule and I think there's probably a chance some time in the future when both parties are in a clearer state of mind that you might get back together or become friends again. However, this would also depend on where he stands on his issues at that time, and how you convince him to trust you to take the first step back into the relationship.

      Reply
    • Kaci

      Wow, thank you so much for your prompt reply I really appreciate it!
      At this point, I feel like the most I can hope for is to become friends again. I don't want to delude myself. But how would you recommend I convince him to trust me *if* I was aiming for a relationship again in the future? (This is assuming he has his issues sorted out, which I assume would take much longer than a couple of months as deep seated trust issues from being cheated on several times and being lied to by previous exes has affected him a lot..so he is afraid of opening up. Infact, he once told me he sees sex less intimate as opposed to having feelings..) And how long do you suggest I should wait before contacting him again in the future (and taking things very slow)? I was thinking next month at the earliest, and sometime earlier next year (January or February) at the latest. Would it be too late by then? I know it depends on the person and it also depends on how I have managed my emotions and feelings then of course. Along with how/if he has as well. Thanks again!

      -Kaci

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Kaci,

      I suggest you take things one step at a time. Situations will change all the time and based on your previous comment, it seems like you have a lot going through your mind right now. Firstly, go back to NC and during this time, just focus on yourself and clear your mind. As much as you want him back, your thoughts shouldn't be obsessed with plans to get back with him or you'll never move from the current spot.

      To answer your questions, there may be a chance to get back together in the future as I mentioned, but also to be fair to yourself, you shouldn't expect it. If you really want to be with him again in the future, you'll probably have to convince him to trust you again by starting off as friends and and showing with your actions that you're different from his exes. Around mid to late December would be a good time. However, it's also important to note that his baggage is not your baggage to carry. You can assist him in helping to recover but it should never be the case where you're carrying it instead.

      Reply
    • Kaci

      Wow, Ryan thank you so much again. Your replies are very helpful. I will definitely keep what you said in mind and implement the tips you have given me. I will use no contact to focus on bettering myself, but not expect to get back together with him because as you said, it's not fair to myself. And you're right about it not being my responsibility to carry the baggage for him. He has to deal with that himself. I do want to show him I'm different from his previous exes and convince him to trust me again if I do decide to attempt to get back with him.

      My last question for now will be, how would I show him I'm different from his exes through my actions if we have always been long distance from the start? Before, I would try my best to be understanding with any emotional issues he wants to talk about with me, try to understand his point of view in regards to that, and be patient for whenever he was ready to take things further..I always felt it would be better to get my point across and show how I care through my actions if we were in person but we're not. Anyways, thank you again and I will continue no contact (and your helpful e-course).

      -Kaci

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Kaci,

      I feel you're on the right track! Well, I can't answer that specifically for you on how you can be different from his exes because I don't know what they were like and I don't know how you are like either in a relationship so I can't tell you what you should do differently. However I can say that I'm sure he has complained to you in the past about his exes and how bad things got, etc. This is the information you should use to your advantage and definitely do things in an opposite manner from them (as long as it's within reason).

      Reply
    • Kaci

      Hello Ryan,

      Thank you, that helps me. Now I am thinking back to the times he has complained to me about his past exes. I remember he said they fought a lot (we unfortunately also started fighting a lot over things that could have been talked about in calmer manners), how they cheated and lied to him (I have done neither of those things) and such. While in the relationship/while talking I attempted to work on my conflict solving skills to avoid arguments but it didn't always work. The sheer amount of fighting and his baggage were the main reasons for the end of the relationship now that I see it more clearly. Anyways, I will keep these things in mind, and my emotions are currently everywhere right now, hopefully I will be in a healthier mindset in about a month from now that if I do contact him and he doesn't want to be friends (or relationship) I will then know 150% I did all I could and that I would be better off and will find someone who will suit my needs more down the road. :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      All the best Kaci! I do hope it works out for you :)

      Reply
    • Kaci

      Thank you :)! I appreciate all your help.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      All the best Kaci!

      Reply
  • Andre

    Hi Kevin, the emails you send are very helpful. However, there is one question that I have that isn't answered and it is do I unfollowe her from all social media because sometimes I might see a picture of her or a ''instagram story'' and shes all happy and I start to overthink. We broke up because I was too needy and I haven't contacted her in 11 days and it doesn't seem like she is going to contact me any time soon. I have accepted it and I do not want to contact her until she contacts me. Or is this a bad idea? I am trying my best to move on with my life and improve myself, for me and not for her. But all I see through social media is that she is very happy and has no regrets. What should I do?
    So to sum up, do I unfollow her on all social media platforms? Do I wait for her to contact me or should I contact her after the month has passed by? And how do I know she will miss me since she seems happy?
    Sorry but that was not one question but if you could answer these questions I would really appreciate it, as well as the emails you send. They are extremely helpful too.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Andre,

      The first step in any recovery plan is to accept the break up in which I feel that you have by saying that you want to move on in life and improve yourself, for your own sake and not hers. If you're affected by seeing her posts on social media, it would be best for the time being to unfollow her or hide post notifications from her profile. You should do anything that would help you recover faster and not hinder the process, even if it means blocking her (if she really affects you). Also, you could wait for her to contact you at the end of the NC period, however if she doesn't and you feel you're ready to approach her again, then you could be the one to do so. Approach her casually and start off as friends again first - basically if you want her back, you're going to have to chase her as if it's the first time you were going after her.

      Reply
    • Andre Nicolaou

      Hi Ryan, thanks a lot. I'll take it all into consideration.

      Reply
  • Vicke

    Me (m21) and my ex (f20) broke up after 4 years. Since January this year we had been in a LDR. She came home during summer and we spent every single day with eachother. However 1 month ago she called me crying that a LDR was taking it's toll on her, she missed me to much. I reassured her that it would work since last year she spent the summer in Australia and we made that work. I told her that I would start searching for work immediately but it would take some time to find work. She said ok we will make it work. However she brought it up every single weekend when we met, she lives 4h away and she studies and we tried to meet 2 weekends every month, and over the phone. That it wouldn't work etc. Last thursday she brought it up again after I got a job interview in her town that was pretty much a guaranteed job. She told me again that it wouldn't work,that the next semester is something they call "the wall" whereas a lot of people drop out and she wouldn't be able to make it work between us and school. She wants to remain as friends and get back together again for summer but she understands if that's not possible. I'm feelimg fine. Ofc I'm sad and all that but I understand how she's feeling. However I'm pretty disappointed in her cause she kinda "led me on" and that she broke up with me over the phone. What is your take on all this? I have started the no-contact and I will remain in no-contact for atleast a month but what else is there to do? Is there any chance for us to get back together?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she feels that next semester would be a 'wall' for her, let her focus on her university. You don't want to come back into her life only for her to fault you for her not doing well in school. Long distance relationships can be hard and it takes a lot communication and understanding to make it work. At the same time, because she isn't able to see you or feel assured physically by you, it leaves her a lot of room to overthink things, that's why she is so convinced that 'it would not work'. I suggest continuing with NC like you brought up and wait for her to contact you again. As for meeting up over the summer, that is entirely up to you based on how you feel about it.

      Reply
  • Devin

    Hi Kevin!

    Your e-mails sure have been quite helpful. My current situation with my ex is the late stage of the no-contact period. However, I have to be honest, it hasn't been completely no contact since we're in high school together, BUT I did compromise as good as I could and never contacted him FIRST,but kept a nice and short conversation when he contacted me. We broke up about a month ago but the no contact period has been ongoing for about 2,5 weeks. Our breakup was mutual, it was supposed to JUST be a break but we agreed a breakup would be better because of lack of communication leading to unecessary arguments making us lose the spark a little bit. I was the one who said we should break up because I did feel like I was sometimes taken for granted by my ex, however i still love him and want to be with him, the breakup was just because I hoped he would get a heads up that I'm emotionally tired. But then it felt like he had been feeling that way too and the first three weeks post breakup he shut me out completely and absolutely didn't want to try again. He said that he loved me but needed his space and time, which I am now giving him (but I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM).

    HOWEVER, now after these 2,5 weeks I have seen him contacting me more often, trying to have conversations about nothing and occasionally writing "you're the best" which feels odd, even though the breakup was on amicable ground. His best friend who is mutual to us both even told me that my ex had said that he misses me and wants me back but still has a bit of mixed feelings towards our relationship because of all the petty fights which added up over the last 1.5 years.
    So, with the brief background given - what should I do now Kevin? I have defenitely changed a lot since our breakup - FOR MYSELF - and managed to control my anger and explosive temper which a lot of times initiated our fights out of nothing. So how can I make him get rid of that doubt he has towards me? I know we both love each other but I feel like his ego may be a bit damaged.
    Please answer Kevin, your site has helped me a lot and this is crucial for me to know.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Devin,

      I think it's great that you're following our advice closely and spending this time to focus on yourself and sorting out the issues you have. If you really want to be with him, then it's probably for the better if you actually show him the change at the end of the no contact period when you guys start talking (casually at first of course) again. I always think the best way to convince a person is through actions and not words. Since he still misses you and loves you and the main obstacle right now are his doubts, clear them and he will probably want to be together with you again.

      Reply
    • Devin

      How can I personally help him be less doubtful towards our relationship then?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is one of the biggest areas where people can change, think about whatever caused fights in the passed that you personally felt you may have caused and ask yourself, 'was my reaction reasonable?'. Many people end up saying 'but I can't control my emotions' - this isn't an excuse for it. We all can control our emotions, it's just a matter of how hard we try. Other examples may include communication, honesty, and showing your partner that you've changed as a person and whatever negative issues he felt about you in the past are gone.

      Reply
  • VICKY

    Hey kevin.. I was in a relationship with her for 3 years.. we had a great time together.. we had problems sometimes.. we used to fight on small issues.. near about 2 months ago i dont know why we had a fight and she stoped talking to me.. i acter very desperate and needy and even tried to commit sucide.. she broke up with me and she blocked me from everywhere and even my number.. and now i have started no contact and it had been 15 days.. but she had not unblocked me.. what shoud i do..?? Please help me out kevin

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Vicky,

      At this point, continue with the no contact period but until she decides to unblock you, there isn't much you can do. Anything you try may come across as desperate to her. Stay strong and focus on yourself during this period.

      Reply
  • Eddy

    Hi Kevin
    My ex blocks me from all the possible contacting ways on 28 sept 2017.
    And after that I was trying to called her from all possible ways but she blocked each and every number. And after this on 3rd Oct 2017 I was at her workplace and she deleted all the best moments we captured together from my laptop and said please forget me and focus on your career...she said she was talking to someone else...and after that on 5 Oct 2017 I was again try to contact her and meet her and she refused to talk to me or even looked at me and she wants to get rid of me...and again again I was making that same mistake...lastly I called her on 19 Oct and she said never ever try to contact me this is your last chance otherwise I take some serious step...lastly I called her through social networking site on 27 Oct 2017 and she cut my phone and blocked me...she is active on all social networking sites and blocked me from everywhere and she posts her pictures in which she looked so much happy without me. I am really obsessed with her and want her back please please please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Eddy,

      You really need to stop pressuring her into getting back together with you or trying to talk to her since that is clearly what she expressed. She's even gone as far to block you and give you ultimatum that if you continue to try contacting her that she will take serious actions. Apply no contact and work on your own issues right now because coming across as desperate or needy will only push a person further away - which may have happened in the past month.

      Reply
  • Sasha

    Hi Kevin I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend for almost a year, in the first few months of the relationship things were perfect, circumstances changed i.e. work school family- things got really busy and i found myself accepting his excuses and basically lowering my standards to make the relationship work somewhat on his terms. During the relationship i did feel that he did really love and did really try, but whenever things got out of hand he tried to leave and i had to talk to him about it and make him see the good in the relationship, which looking back on it now is sad and wrong that he couldnt see it himself- i always had to like "pull him back" but it got to a point where after an argument even though he cooled down and got over it he still wanted to leave even though a few weeks prior to that issue he said he was happy with the relationship. He is not the typical kind of guy and has alot of pride and ego. For once i accepted the breakup and we decided we will be friends (he made it clear that he had never been friends with any of his exes and that i was the best girlfriend he had and he would hope that in the future if i was still willing and single we could try again) His main excuses/reasons for the breakup were "his full time job and family+others commitments werent allowing for much time to see me etc" and im the kind of person who thrives of bonding and attention with my partner, which he once used to provide. After the somewhat calm breakup i met up with a friend who told me he was hanging out with one of his girl pals behind my back (our original agreement was that if he wanted to hang out with his other female friends that was fine i just asked that he tell me about it) he always emphasised how thats not something he was interested in doing.. although we had broken up i was heartbroken after hearing this 2 days after the breakup and confronted him.. instead of responding calmly and talking about it he got angry and yelled at me saying it was none of my business and he could hang out with whoever he wanted to hang out with.. when i asked why he didnt tell me he said he didnt have to and i felt so upset i began the no contact rule. I thought we were in an honest relationship and am so upset about the outcome. Its been almost two weeks since the breakup and he hasnt even tried to contact me ?? Is that a bad sign?? I saw him once at the gym (unintentional, and i was training with a male friend- he just said hi and continued his workout) Im making changes in my life and being independent (as i can admit i was originally dependent on him for happiness and he probably found that more pressuring in addition to his other commitments) i got a new job, im working out alot, i started an oztag team, rekindled with old friends and spoke to my friends in long term relationships about it too and reconnected with the church.. Has he not texted me because he doesnt want to talk or because of his ego and pride? im sure hes over the fight by now because he always gets over things but im not. i dont know what to do Kevin, i miss him but im sticking to no contact and its the hardest thing ever. I feel like i will feel more in control if he messages me and i chose not to respond, but he hasnt even tried.. I know youre probably thinking why would you want to get back with someone like that anyway? Part of me thinks the guy that got me in the first place is still there, of course alot of the reason we got to this position is his fault but at the same time i got too needy and he would avoid me and use excuses which was sad.. Please help i dont know what to do and im looking great in photos on snapchat or whatever and going out to lunches instead of hiding in my room but im still so sad.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Sasha,

      It's good that you're focusing on yourself and improving your life, please continue to do so. Sometimes it's hard to accept that you don't have control of the situation but it's best not to speculate on reasons why he isn't texting you because it'll only leave your mind in a whirl since there could be a magnitude of reasons. If you really want to know, you could always casually initiate re-contact with him again to catch up. Bear in mind however, that most individuals tend to show their true selves later on in the relationship and the beginning part always has some sort of facade (that's why it's called the honeymoon period) - so if you do decide to get back with him, to be prepared for more excuses and if its something you can accept.

      Reply
    • sasha12

      Seeing as I've implemented the 5 Step Process, its only been two weeks do you think there could be a chance that he realises his wrongs and tries to pursue me again? Or do you think considering how long he wanted "out" now that he finally is out of the relationship he will continue being single..?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the circumstances, it may be hard to predict where his stance on things may be. However, after you're done with the no contact period, perhaps you could casually ask him out one day to catch up if you want to, and if the opportunity arises, bring the topic up.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hey Kevin.. My ex girlfriend said she didnt want to be in a relationship just for the time being. But she kept reminding me how eventually we're going to get back together she just needs some time. she called me every day still, like nothing happened and i would respond and we'd talk like we normally would just not as often. After that week I saw she was hanging out with this guy who she had a short history with months before i met her 2 years ago. I decided to go into No Contact after seeing that and how hurt I felt.. I'm on day 5 of NC, and shes been callling/texting, blowing up my phone ever since day 1. On Day 1 I texted her "I need some time for myself and I think you do too. I'm not ready to talk right now" And since then she's still calling and sending me old messages we sent each other.. She even texted me "I'll never give up" "But I'll give you all the time you need" yesterday. It's really confusing me because she is the one who wanted time at first. Then later last night she texted "You should just block my fucking number please it'll make me feel so much better" followed by "I can't keep texting you, knowing you have your phone and are reading these messages.. It's heartbreaking" I feel terrible not answering her but i'm scared if I do, I may fall back into the same track again. I'm also afraid if I keep ignoring her, she will eventually stop calling or texting at all. Please help me out, this girl & I have something special and a deep bond. This feels like I'm losing my best friend. I want to make sure I'm handling this situation the right way to get her back. And work on myself in the mean time. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Jon,

      If you feel this way, why not be honest with her and ask her what it is she wants? If she genuinely wants to be together with you, figure out why she said she doesn't want a relationship at this point and see if there are ways you guys can work around it. It seems to me that she still loves you so for your instance, perhaps breaking the no contact rule may not be such a bad idea to figure out what she wants.

      Reply
  • aj

    Hello Mr. Kevin
    We've been fighting a lot lately and we keep saying that things are over. before i was clingy and used to call her a lot because we've been together for a really long time. The last three calls we have been normal with each other but she's still acting that things are over when she wants and things are on when she wants. Should i have the break up talk with her or ask her for a time apart or just try to be nice. I do not want to lose her, but also wouldn't want a person walking all over me.

    Thank you very much

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Aj,

      If you don't want to lose her, why have the break up talk with her? Pride can tend to get into people's better judgement on what should be done and even cause many fights to happen. Perhaps do the latter and ask her for time apart so that both parties can get some space and regain their composure before thinking of trying again?

      Reply
  • Amber

    Hi Kevin, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, he said that he still wants to be friends and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He keeps on sending me messages when I've tried to do the no contact period, it seems like he still has feelings for me since he keeps on sending me messages with the phrase how are you doing or how are you feeling? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    Reply
  • aman kaushik

    Hi Kevin,
    I was in long distance relationship(10 months) , we had a vacation together and it was very good but the last day she couldn't come to see off me...i went to her office to see her before leaving for airport but by that time she left and was not aware that i am coming although i texted her but she missed seeing it...this pissed me off so much that i didn't talked to her for 2-3 days...she apologized for the misunderstanding happened but i was still in anger and wrote very harsh words and to which she said "if i've hurt your feelings, sentiments and love then leave me... I don't deserve it"...this further heated me and i asked do you want to continue this relationship...to which we had verbal spat and we end breaking up..i realized my fault there and apologized even traveled back to her place (within 7-8 day of whole scenario) which is 1800Km from my place to patch up....but she said "i don't see we being together because of the distance", i told this is early we are thinking about it lets cover the distance slowly and eventually we will end up together but she said i am practical here and i don't see that happening and i had nothing to say then....when coming back at airport we broke up over text but it was not heated and no bad words were used...but i really see a future with her....she too was seeing it but that fight had ruined every thing here!!!

    Please suggest how to get my Ex back!!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Aman,

      Follow the no contact rule and the 5 step plan. I suggest working on your anger as well since that was what caused the break up.

      Reply
    • Aman Kaushik

      I am generally not this much volatile she too understand that...i am following the NC rule...i am really not sure how to take things forward from here...i know life won't stop over her but i just don't want to let her go like this.

      I don't know how i convince her that if we stick together we can change the things...as the question how we will end the distance will come again if we started talking again.

      Kindly suggest

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Aman,

      If you're currently already practicing the no contact rule, use this time to focus on yourself and doing things to improve yourself. Remember that life doesn't stop for you either and you should not let it. Right now, as memories are still fresh, it's best to give it some time to heal before attempting again.

      Reply
    • Aman Kaushik

      Hi Kevin,

      Going through my whole scenario (as explained in my comment above) do you suggest i shall use "elephant in the room" text or the normal one's???

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think using the 'elephant in the room' text would be more appropriate given the way things left off the last time.

      Reply
  • David Johnson

    Hi Kevin..ive been together with my wife for 17 years..married for 15 years and we have two kids together.a few months ago she told me she wasn't in love anymore and wasn't happy. Then last month she filed for divorce..but that's not the worst..after she told me she wanted a divorce she wanted to go home where she's from in Ohio we live in California I said that might be a good idea but while she was there she had an affair with an old boyfriend from high school she's 36 and I'm 38 and ever since she came back she's been having an online affair with him and she has moved out of the house she invited him to come down this week and stay the week with her and he did what do I do and what are my chances of getting her to fall back in love with me and come home

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi David,

      I'm sorry to hear that. To answer your question, given the time you guys have been together already, it's definitely possible to get her to fall in love with you again. Currently, due to how the relationship might have possibly deteriorated over the years, it would best to give her and yourself some space to un-cloud her judgement as well as to use this time to find ways to improve yourself. Being together for so long, sometimes the romance is lost and poor habits are formed and this may have contributed to her finding a new 'spark'. However, this may also just be a rebound for the lack of what she wanted from you. Follow the 5 step plan and you will be able to get her to come home one day.

      Reply
  • MR

    Hey Kevin, so here is the scenario.

    I dated this beautiful French girl two years ago. Because of the distance neither one of us pursued the relationship, and when I tried to contact her throughout the years to check-in, she would tell me that she was devoted in a relationship so I backed off.

    A month and a half ago, she messaged me for the first time in years and apologized for acting poorly in the past and said that she was on a month and a half holiday in Qatar. She mentioned that she had broken-up with her fiance over the summer as he was Muslim and his parents rejected the idea of marriage with her.

    We began reconnecting and everything was moving smoothly and nicely! We had plans to get together at the end of the year and were speaking everyday via text and Face-time and Skype on occasion.

    Then, out of the blue, she backed-off. I noticed a difference and she mentioned that maybe she had too much time on her hands and was overthinking and a bit scared. We talked about it and she was okay and everything was back to normal.

    Then, a couple of days ago, again I noticed her distant, reading my messages to no response, and not being her usual sweet self.

    I was feeling very down about it and I had to tell her how I felt. I stupidly mentioned that I had a similar issue with my previous long-distance relationship and did not want to commit the same mistakes.

    She became very upset, and all of a sudden had a HUGE change of heart, said she didn't write me throughout the day, because she didn't feel like it and didn't see us as a potential "couple" and basically doesn't want to talk to me again. I am really depressed because I had my hopes up for my second chance with the girl of my dreams. This feels like I lost the person I love TWICE. I am going to give her the space she needs, and go into No-Contact, .. but I feel like maybe I was just a rebound for her and that I have no chance at all. I am really sad.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey,

      I'm sorry to hear all that. I know it sucks feeling that you've lost the person you love twice. Since you have decided to go into no contact, that is good. Follow through with it and at the end of the period, if your feelings have not changed, you can initiate re-contact with her. It's normal to have fears and doubts about long distance relationships for a variety of reasons but if you can assure her that there's nothing to worry about, I'm hopeful that she would come around.

      Reply
    • MR

      I have been true to your advice and have been very disciplined in my "no contact". I curiously checked the other day if she had changed her WhatsApp photo, and now it seems that a few days into no contact, she has BLOCKED me from WhatsApp.

      I am not sure what this means. Why would she block me several days later, when I have not even contacted her in any way, shape, or form? Also, what does this mean to me moving forward? Should I just continue to stay in no-contact for 30 days and then go from there?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes I think that regardless, focus on completing the no contact rule first before attempting anything. Right now, she may also need the space hence why she blocked you. When the time comes, you could contact her through other means if possible.

      Reply
    • MR

      Ryan,

      First of all, thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me.

      So my x sent me an email today, asking how my mother was doing (my mom's been having some issues with her vision).

      I have not responded as I am only two weeks into NC and I think that I should complete it as you recommended. Is this okay to not respond to her for another couple of weeks?

      I mean, it was her that initially told me that she didn't want to talk to me ever, and she blocked me on WhatsApp, .. but now she is sending an email to see how my mom is?..

      Also, after the month is up, should I just respond to her email? I am doing my best to follow your plan.

      Thanks so much!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey,

      It also means a lot to us that you're following our advice closely. My personal take on this is that you should follow through with the no contact and not reply the email until the 30 days are up. You can follow up with your ex's email by letting her know that you were either busy or was getting over some stuff and it wasn't a good time back then. Ultimately the next time you face your ex, she should be taken away by how much you've changed and grown.

      Reply
  • Ben

    Hey Kevin. Me and my wife have been separated for a couple of months now. We've had our first year anniversary during the separation, although we've been together almost 10 years. She's been faithful to me during our whole relationship that I know for sure, but became unhappy and fell out of love with me and had an affair within 6 months into our marriage. She is now seeing the guy she had the affair with. We've tried to still be friends because we were that even before we began dating, but the thought of her being with him(or anyone) and not me is too much to bear. She expressed before that she doesn't want to lose me being in her life but she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. Also saying during the beginning of our separation that she doesn't want to see me physically, has said that she missed my company at times. But we've always kept contact everyday, by her choice. She always called me, I never called her. So a couple of days ago, I've told her I no longer wanted to talk anymore. Even after everything that has happened, I still love her and would like to reconcile. She did me so wrong, but I wasn't the perfect husband either(nothing violent or domestic). So I've deactivated FB and only text her for business like bills for car notes. Do you think this is a phase for her? Will she miss me enough to come back or is she enjoying her new thing too much? P.S. she still hasn't filed for divorce

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Ben,

      In this case, I suggest you follow the no contact rule from the article. This gives you some space to gather a fresh perspective on things as well as to see if her reliance on you is based on habit or because of something more. If you guys are married, it's great that you want to reconcile with her, but at least give each other some space to determine if it's a phase or not.

      Reply
  • Amanda

    Hey Kevin, my boyfriend (22) and I (21) of three and a half years just broke up about a month and a half ago. I’ve done no contact muiltiple times but broke it because I saw him when he was picking his stuff up from our old place.

    He told me he was thinking about the breakup for a while, and that he was starting to have feelings for someone else, however he was just sleeping around, until as of yesterday, he now has a new girlfriend. It’s been a month and a half since we broke up and he’s already Facebook official with some girl... is this a rebound? Do I still have a chance if I keep up the no contact?

    Reply
  • Bryan

    Hi Kevin, I break the no contact rule on 10th day and I told my ex that I am starting to accept things and doing better since I stared to have my own hobbies and I meet some new friends. I apologized too. She responded and said that she is happy for me and I should stay that way. She apologizes too and said that our relationship will not be the same again if we will be back together, and its better this way. I asked her for a hangout and she agreed.
    It is too late? Is there still a chance? Should I use the no contact rule again? Thanks. Hoping for your response. I am an Asian and an avid reader of your articles.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Bryan,

      It's not too late. The fact that she is talking about getting back together is a very good sign. However, you should be very careful. If you show any signs of neediness or desperation, she will back off and it will confirm her decision of breaking up. If you don't think you are ready yet, ask her for some more time. Tell her that you need some more space and time before you can meet and speak to her comfortably.

      Reply
  • M

    Hi Kevin. What if I am the person who broke up with my Ex, and hence my ultimate goal is not to get back with her but to hopefully become platonic friends in the future?
    There was no discussion or agreement to go ahead with the 'No Contact Rule' On the contrary, the last thing we agreed on was that we would remain friends - Although that could've just been a formality to comfort each other. However its been 3 weeks since we've spoken directly or indirectly. Today was the first time I had the urge to send her a mail asking if she would agree to meet for coffee some time, but ultimately decided against it. I'm not sure if I'm doing this more for myself ( because I still have some strong feelings for her and recognise that it would be really awkward to shift into just-friends mode) or for her ( allow her time for to grieve, give up hope of us ever getting back together and move on with her life). Like I said, we never discussed not staying in touch, only that we would remain friends. In fact we PROMISED we would. Now my biggest worry is that she may perceive this unofficialised NC period as me not wanting anything to do with her. Then again, isn't that a good thing for the dumpee ?
    Being the dumper with no intention of ever getting back together, I know I'm the 'enemy' on this site. but I could really use your advice here. Should I continue with NC even it might jeopardize us ever being friends again. Am I doing the right thing here?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey M,

      If you don't have any intentions of getting back together, then you should continue no contact indefinitely. I know it sucks that you should lose someone you have strong feelings for, but contacting her will just confuse the both of you and make it harder to move on. On the other hand, if you believe that things could still work out between both of you (provided something has changed since the breakup), then you should reach out and see if things will be different this time.

      Reply
  • Riya

    Hey Kelvin
    My ex and me broked up but we use to talk each other randomly and than he suddenly stopped talking me, for sometime i use to call him message him again and now i start no contact rule...
    Is it too late

    Reply
  • Brian

    Hi, what if my ex ocasionally contacting me? We're in the same department and we had 8 months relationship before she called a quit. And i've been doing no contact period for about a month now, but a week ago i knew there's a guy approaching my ex, and it seems like my ex was into him too, i start to freak out,i keep stalking her social media and i keep collecting info about the guy. And the worst thing was my ex found out about what i've been doing and confronting me, but luckily i'm in control of myself and solved it quickly. And now i feel good about myself and not obsessing her a single bit. The question is, do i have to repeat my no contact period because of this? because all i know is that there's still negativity on my ex's mind (i can see it from the way she turned everything into a problem when it comes to me). My original plan was doing no contact period for a month and after that i'm gonna give her the letter, but now i don't even know when to give her the letter and i don't know what to do with my no contact period

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do it at least for a couple more weeks. Include an apology about your stalking behavior in the letter as well.

      Reply
  • T

    Hello. My ex just moved out from my home. We have been together for 2 years. We had a very good relationship- best relationship he ever had, he said. when he broke up with me he said that this relashionship can not last forever like this and that we need either to get married or to end it. That he was thinking about proposing me, but he said that he has nothing to offer me once we are merried ( no stable job). This was the obstacle and he just can’t make the next step. He really loves me and he is suffering right now, because he left. I told him that I’m very angry at him that he didn’t choose the other option ( to propose me ) and he said he is angry at himself as well, but he needs to live with that option from now on. How should I apply the NC rule? He has his own business which is not good at the moment. He said that it might take years to fix it and since I’m 34 he doesn’t want to waste my time. Btw – he did the same last year before moving to my house. He was afraid of that commitment. He broke with me and I made NC rule which obviously worked. In this case should I do the same? It will be so obvious…. I really want him back. Our love is mutual and I blame his depression for the choice he made.
    he wrote me yesterday a long message, telling me that he loves me and he is suffering, having a panic attack that he lost the one thing that was good in his life, however he didn’t mention anything about coming back ( I’m sure it’s because only 3 days have passed ). Oh, I didn’t reply to his message

    Reply
  • Nina

    Hi kevin, i really liked your article, it really helped me to see things clearly. It is the first time that i read something with real advice and not just theory. To give you thr short version, my ex and i were dating for a year and a half now, we were the happiest couple. We did everything together. Plus, we were madly in love. Four days ago, we had a really stupid fight on the phone where he provocated me. The problem here is i got really mad because of hurtfull things he said to me and initiated the break up. I sent him a message telling him we are so different and it is better to stop, and even went too far and went to his house to get my things and didn't even said goodbye. Clearly i just wanted to make him feel bad because of hiw he treated me on the phone earlier. Later that night he got back to me and sent me a long message explaining that the break up is the best for us. Clearly that time i wasn't mad anymore and knowledge that things went to far so i tried to convince him the opposite but again it was horrible another fight were he agreed to never talk again. I started the NC thing the very next day,however 2days after he sent me a very cold message where he doesnt even say hi and where he says that he's going in a trip abroad and before he goes we should talk. Honestly did not appreciate the way he talked to me,it felt like he still want to fight and not work thing out because he was so cold and not even tried to see if i was okey. I forgot to mention that of course i did not answer his message . Is it the right move to do? Should i accept the meeting or just ignore that message and wait until he tried again in a nice way and with more efforts. Honestly he is a great man. The thing is he and i are both really bossy and very competitive with a big ego. That is why a stupid fight went to this mess. Thanks in advance for your time and i am looking forward for your answer.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Nina,

      Yes, it's probably best to ignore the message for now. If he contacts again, and you feel he wants to work things out, then meet him.

      Reply
  • Alle

    Quick question.
    Hello Kevin. Me and my ex we broke up it's been 12 days now and since then I've been doing the NC rule, but I am not sure I'm doing this right. He still has my Snapchat and Instagram and all my social medias and I've been posting many things such as having fun with my friends, being happy and and stuff like that and he's been seeing it and he kinda started posting it too. Am I breaking up the NC rule? Should I delete him from my social medias or it is ok for him to see all of this? Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Alle,

      Yes, you are not really doing no contact. You are actually communicating with your ex indirectly by trying to how him you are better off without him and he is doing the same. It's still a type of communication and it will keep you trapped in the breakup dynamics. I recommend staying away from social media altogether for a while.

      Reply
  • Lindsay

    I am currently pregnant and tonight is our last night in the house together. I plan to do the 30 day minimum no contact rule except for the Drs appt. Would you recommend that I go longer with no contact since we will see each other at the appts?

    Reply
  • Mike

    Hi Kevin,

    Im not sure if you still read this thread but im in need of advice. My girlfriend broke up with me around 4 months ago. We broke up because we were long distance and I was very insecure and controlling. I have learned from those mistakes now, and I want to have a second chance. During those 4 months after we broke up, I committed all the "deadly mistakes." We continued to talk and wanted to be friends, however, now I am realizing that I cannot only be her friend. Once we first broke up, she explained that she wasnt sure if she still had feelings for me and she was confused. Now, as of two weeks ago, she says she's not in love with me anymore and it wouldn't bother her if I started dating someone else. This was absolutely too much for me to bear. I am on day 6 of NC, and she has texted me and contacted me via social media a handful of times, but I haven't replied.

    Because it took me so long to finally stop contact with her, do you think my chances of getting her back have been effected?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Even if it is affected, there is nothing you can do except follow the plan. In my experience, it doesn't matter too much. But you might have to do no contact a little longer than just 30 days.

      Reply
  • Jane

    Hi Kevin,

    I'm on day 10 of the no contact (after making all of the instinct mistakes). Today my ex sent a message saying "Hi r u ok?". Should I ignore? or tell him I'm doing fine?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can tell him that you are fine. If he continues the conversation, tell him you need some space and time before you can speak to him again.

      Reply
    • Hector

      Me and my girlfriend broke up a couple of months ago in June. From June till now, we discussed the possibility of getting back together as she has feelings for me but is not sure she wants a relationship to focus on school work. We went out a couple of times out to see where things would go and the dates were great (Both mutually agreed). However, I was bit desperate and applying a lot of pressure and she finally decided last week that couldn't be in a relationship. Her friends and her have said that its not because she doesn't have form of connection or doesn't care about me, but simply because its her last year for school. I was planning on taking this new approach to getting her back despite the fact she has already said she could not as I know her feelings are still there despite what she says. Is it too late?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Hector,

      I don't think it is too late since her friends and her have told you that there's a connection between you guys. However, you should also give her some space and respect her decision that she wants to focus on her school. This is where the no contact rule should apply as it gives her the space she needs and some breathing room for you as well as the desperation may swell up if you immediately continue to maintain contact with her and this might push her further away.

      Reply
  • Patricia

    My boyfriend and I were dating for two years he was my first sexual partner. I got mad at him because I thought he was cheating on me so he looked at me in the eyes and called me stupid. And I told him why was he mad at me and he said he was tired of all the arguininf. I left home cried and kept texting him that I wanted to see him. But he just ignored me. The next day two days passed and he broke up with me because he said he was done with all the arguing that we were never going to fix it. I did text him a lot saying I was sorry. But now I think that wasn't the reason why he left me. What do I do.

    Reply
  • Jax

    Hey so my ex and I broke up a month ago because I was acting up and that she wanted space to do her own thing. I applied the no contact rule for a month and no response. I'm currently going to apply another round of no contact. I'm scared she might feel annoyed. After my second round should I just stop? I don't want to but everyone has been telling me to stop. I feel like she's happier and that the break up isn't affecting her.

    Reply
  • TheGuy

    Hello Kevin, thanks for all the great help on this website. Thank you.
    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago (together for 5 years, no kids). We have meet once and had a good talk. I am having a hard time using NC but did okay. Until 2 days ago, where I got a feeling that she started to see someone else. So I could not stop my self and went to new place at night. She lives in a flat on 3rd floor so I could not look into the windows. I was just standing 20 meters from the window. To my surprise she suddenly stood in the window. I am not sure that she saw me but I think she did.

    Should I text her "Sorry - it's not going to happen again"?
    If she did not see me, she would probably ask what I mean, and I can say that the message was to someone else. I really don't know what's the right thing to do?

    Thanks, TheGuy

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      There is nothing to do. Just continue no contact and follow the plan. There is no need to apologize. Although, you should avoid doing something like this in the future.

      Reply
  • Fullmoon

    It's interesting how reading this a few days ago brought me to the realization that it's OK if he didn't come back, as a matter of fact I am taking greater steps to remove him entirely. Before now, it was approx 80% (maybe more) wanted him to return and 20% OK if he didn't. Now, it's 50-50 and it really is. This % will probably remain the same until I form another relationship or as time passes. Time has a way of demonstrating why someone had no place in your life and you become quite accepting and comfortable with such a decision, that if he were to return say a year later and am still unattached, I probably would not consider it. I won't elaborate too much on this, but just to say thanks. Most people come here with the intention of getting back their ex, I didn't get here with that in mind exactly, but I was still curious so I read on, can't believe this gave me such profound insight that have motivated me to do a 180 turn.

    I do want to end with this.. Protect your hearts. A great many of the people we meet, we knew would disappoint us. We see the glaring red flags though tiny for
    some, but we dismiss them in hopes our gut feeling is wrong. The time spent getting over a broken heart is sooo much investment, way too much especially when we do this several times over.

    Wishing your hearts a speedy recovery and thanks Kevin!

    Reply
  • Bub

    Hi Kevin. So my boyfriend left me a month back cuz of my anger issues and since then I've begged him and everything to get back but nothing worked. And the problem is that we are in the same friends group. He said he loves me but he can't think of getting back together because I get very weak when it comes to him. Please tell me what to do

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Bub,

      Do no contact and work on your anger issues. Get therapy or go to anger management classes. It will truly change your life and it might just help you get the love of your life back.

      Reply
  • Allie

    Are you still answering people's relationship questions? I just want to make sure before I type everything out.

    Reply
  • JunJie

    Hi,
    My ex initiated to take a break from each other a month ago, i guess i didn't handled this properly by spamming her with texts/questions and calls which she did not answer. We broke up over texting, she feels that we have drifted apart due to my work and her love has faded, she feels tired of trying to get to know my schedules and me neglecting her. I admit i was so caught up with my Job, and didnt realised this situation arising.
    We haven't met for a month, she has blocked me on instastory (but not the instagram account). Kinda messy for a breakup. It was so sudden, we didn't had any fights.
    I broke the "no-contact" rule after awhile and she blocked me off whatsapp.
    Today, We officially haven't contacted each other for a week since then.

    What do you think is the situation right now? What could she be thinking of doing? And what should i do in order to have a chance of getting her back?

    Reply
  • mustafa hakimi

    Hey Kevin,
    My ex left me about three weeks ago and we tried to stay friends but that didn't work so I decided no contact and a week later she texts me asking if we can rebuild things and then a week later same thing happens... we had a talk the other day and basically she said she doesn't know if she loves me cause we have been together for so long and is just used to me or because she actually does love me... she said she wants to know again what it's like to miss me. I use to see her everyday but I was jealous,insecure and also very clingy. We both agreed to go no contact for a couple months and see what happens. Do you think it was just a way for her to let me down easy or is there a chance for us to rekindle what we had in the future going no contact?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mustafa,

      There is definitely a chance to get her back. Work on becoming more confident while you are doing no contact. There is a very good chance she will contact you before no contact is over.

      Reply
  • Caz

    So long story short my bf broke up with me. I had trust issues with him as he lied quite a lot and we argued a lot however we were really good like best friends. It did get physical at one point where I slapped him on the neck that's what triggered our breakup. I know it should never get to that point. I later apologised as I've never been violent and he had also been physical just before then but hi hadn't hit me. Long story short we agreed that it can never happen again. So a week after we were fine. we booked a holiday then the next day he broke up with me. He says he still loves me and sees a future but we can't be together together right now. I love him so much and it's been two weeks since we broke up. We contacted each other during the first week but haven't spoken to him since. And it's been a week I'm struggling. I just want him back. Is it worth me trying?

    Reply
  • Meera

    Hi Kevin,

    I just dropped my ex back to airport, where he is going away forever(moving out of this city). We met on tinder and had immediately hit it off. We were those soul mates. But he got into financial and work problems. I was on break from work so I decided to help him out. And things started getting bad. We both were tensed with work and emotional baggage was alot for him. Though we said many things to each other, which we didnt mean, I said alot. And then the eventual happened. He still cares for me. Love I am not so sure but its still there. He is an adamant person, who tries to stick to his decisions. But I have made him changed alot but for good. How do I get him back?

    Reply
  • Dil

    I have tried this no contact period and it broke more than once because I could not resist myself without contacting him.

    but when I stop for last few days contacting him he only calls , I really tried hard and not called him what should be the next step.

    Reply
  • Chris

    Hi my girlfriend says she lost her feelings so is it possible to renkindle the spark?

    Reply
  • Steve Anc

    Hi kelvin,
    I have an ex which we have been together for almost four years and we have promised each other marriage, but she broke up with me because of a nag when am angry and she believed that I can't change. She has blocked me on WhatsApp and always put her no busy for me since I have been trying to contact her. And she has told me that she had moved on with another boyfriend. Can no contact rule help me to bring her back because we really love each other then.

    Reply
  • Jon32

    Hi, Long story short, my girlfriend of 10 months left me just over 3 weeks ago having moved in to a house we bought together a 2 months ago. It was purely my insecurities and controlling behaviour (which I have now got help for) that drove her away. She moved to her Mother's house but has still not moved any more of her or her child's stuff out, as we jointly own the house. I have spent 3 weeks begging and pleading and she has got more and more angry and said she is never coming back. last weekend I had a threat that they would go to the police if I didn't back off, so I have and apologised. Since then her mother has been in contact and changed her threatening tone towards me and said she needs space and will then see what happens, but she hasn't been well so hasn't thought about things. My ex has also told my sister that she just wanted a break. Her Mum is saying that I must just give her space now and that she hasn't even thought about things and is focussing on getting herself better (stress and depression). I have backed right off now and apologised for begging initially, but can I take the recent comments as positive, even after such hatred in the first 3 weeks during my pestering?

    Reply
  • cmarie09

    Hi Kevin,

    I am 23 my ex boyfriend is 26. We were together for 4 years and close friends a while before that. We had talked very seriously about marriage and he even asked my dad to marry me this past Christmas. But in February he started acting strange and saying we was confused and not sure if he wanted to be with me or not, so we ended up breaking up about a month ago. I broke a lot of the rules in the first two weeks, but the last two weeks have been a lot better. My question is, we have two dogs and I have been watching them on the weekend. I don't have to, but I really love them and it has become the best part of my week. I have to contact him to pick them up and drop them off. We don't talk about anything else and I don't even see him in person, but would a full no contact increase my chances of getting him back?

    Thank you.

    Reply
  • Mark

    He and I were together for 4 years almost constantly. No contact is going to be tough. But it does make a lot of sense.

    Reply
  • Mia

    Hey Kevin you are the only hope I have heard a lot about your website so my story is I've been in a relationship with my best friend since 7 months we've been very close to each other since 4 years and he confessed his love for me 7 months ago so I did well last month he texted me that he wants to focus on his higher studies and he has been dealing with few issues lately and he wants to break up but still he is my old friend he told me that he will always be there for me but he feels that being in relationship right now is complicated but I want him back I lost my soul mate he is the best I know I don't get it why he broke my heart I really need your help he broke up with me last month and we have stopped texting each other since 5 days :(

    Reply
  • Suryakanth

    Dear Kevin
    This is Suryakanth hear i am very much of happy because of after reading the pages i became cool i do not have any kind of girl friend but i do love for my sister she is very innocent girl we are very good brother & sister but now what happened is one day she was talking to me while speaking i said u have little bit of EGO for this one word today she left me Mr Kevin Do u feel hear in this were i am wrong after happened all this i tryed many times but she is not ready at all till today 15days are over i have stopped using whats app & facebook twitter orkut no phone calls no messages but i followed her status her profile picture still she is under pain somewear i have faith she will be back to me for this what u can suggest me

    Regards,
    Suryakanth

    Reply
  • George

    Hi Kevin. I'm back after 3 years and a new breakup. Last time I stuffed up NC and was needy and never got her back.

    This girl, I've broken up and got her back once or twice before. We've been dating 2 years and everything was fine, excpet there was some resentment breeding due to a range of small issues.

    Recently I caught her talking to another guy and she said she cares about him and was planning to break up with me. I went NC the same day after that conversation. She basically cheated on me but I still love her.

    I was wondering if my situation still applies with the 30 day NC rule, and if I should tell the other guy about the fact i was her boyfriend - she asked me not to because she didnt want me to 'ruin' things with him.

    Regards,

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey George,

      Right now, you should just do no contact and focus on yourself. I don't think you should try to get her back because not only she cheated on you, she is also lying to her new boyfriend. There is no way you can sustain a long and healthy relationship with her. After a month or two, when you have gotten over the breakup, you can decide whether or not you should tell her new boyfriend (I recommend you do).

      Reply
  • Hungry hippo

    Hi Kevin,

    I posted my story couple days ago. I do not see it here but I wanted to know if I should still do the no contact rule. I've been having horrible urges to text him and it's only been 7 days since he blocked me from snapchat and it's been 14 or 15 days since he texted "I just don't think things are working out very well" which I felt something was wrong. With snapchat I went a little crazy and snapped to much from my beach trip and just after work which I feel stupid for snapping and now I'm blocked. I just want respect and to invite him to U2 tribute band in two weeks even if as friends ...ughhh? 5 step plan hoping will cleanse my soul from him

    Reply
  • Ruth

    My ex boyfriend and I were in 3 years and 7 months relationship. He helped me to have an scholarship to be part of his college. I was very excited but suddenly after 1 and 1/2 months we had a small fight and he said he was tired and broke up with me. He asked me if we can still be friends so I agreed. After 2 weeks I realized that I looked stupid, and I decided to move away from him, he look shocked and unfriended me on facebook. Until now, I feel sad about it, I don't want to walk away from him but I think it will make him think about his decision.I wish someday we'll get back together and be mature enough to understand our differences. It's very hard to move on but I will trust God's decisions in my life.

    Reply
  • Jerry

    Me and my ex had a big fight and i showed up and beat on the door twice and blowed the horn and she thinks im going crazy and is already seeing numerous guys and i text her a week later and told her i knew and she told me to leave her alone aand said quit contacting her and people she associated with and riding by her house and threatened to call the cops on me when all i did was tell her how much i love her and wanted to work things out and thats been over a week ago and i havent contacted her what shoulf i do

    Reply
  • Elli

    My story is I was with this guy for almost 2 year. I felt he was a mummy's boy and couldn't make is own decisions, although he says that's not the case. When we first started to date ... I kinda of thought I couldn't take this relationship further and mentioned that we should go our separate ways. I felt that his mother got even clinger for the fact the he wasn't going to her house as often... It seems like she got jealous. I saw that he was devastated when I spoke about breakup then I took my words back quickly ... and tried to work it out.

    I realised that whenever I say anything about his family it was like I was steping on eggs shells as it was such sensitive topic ... And I really don't know why. I've never met them being with him 2years ... We planned for it to happen though. His parents are a bit of hoaders so he would say that if we should meet them at their house he had to clean up.. So we decided to invite them to his... We we planning for it to happen ... And also planning for a bigger future together with a family and all.

    We fell out in Father's Day when I told him I was a bit disappointed in him as I felt he couldn't tell his older sisters and mum that he didn't want to attend Father's Day. I said this because his mother would call him everyday and complaining that his father was this and that... This has been ongoing for years. I also felt that the lack of the support from his father has left his mother and sisters to be more dependant on him to play a male role in the family, although he's the last child. Since father day we have made the decision to be separated because again I felt I could not talk to him about how u really feel without him taking it really personally to the point that he does not want to talk to me.

    Since we broke up ... I still miss him so much and I felt like he's been so cold towards me in terms of him not wanting us to really talk things through. I rang him because I really wanted closure... He went on to tell me so many thing things that I was doing the relationship that upset him so much e.g me calling and texting him a lot when he's at his parent house on his weekly visit. I said, I didn't realise as I would text and call him when we are not together regardless. What was sad he said he didn't tell me these things for the fear that I would want to leave him. I was like no, I don't want o leave u.... I love u and still want to work things out. Instead he's made up his mind and think it's best for us to move on. I felt it was a bit unfair because I wasn't aware that he was having these issues and instead of talking to me about them he's held them inside. And now that we have sperated that's when he's telling me about it.

    I feel so angry ... But still love him. I promised myself not to contact him ever again ..

    I contacted him couple days ago by text to tell him his sister tried to ring him and contacted my phone which believes his calls are diverted to my number... I texted him to request to check this out as this was the second time I was contacted by of his sister which I never spoke to ... And it made me feel awkward ... Ami also suggested that he tell his family if he hasn't done so before.

    I know is sad times ... Apart of me want us to get back ... And I scared to think that this is it we might never get back together.

    I'm starting my journey by working on me ... But it's hard work

    Reply
  • Fren

    Ive been in relationship 4 months..After 8 days no contact..suddenly my ex contact me..he told me about his problem that his father has been cheating with another woman..bla bla bla..i try to be nice pretend and give him advice n support for the past 3 days.. sometimes i give respond sometimes i dont pick up his call.

    My question is..should i just shut down the contact with him while he's in a worst siatuation now if i want he come back with me.. tq

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Fren,

      Yes, you should do no contact. You have been broken up and you don't owe it to him to support him. However, don't be rude about it as well. Tell him that it's hard for you talking to him because of the breakup and you prefer not being in contact unless it's really an emergency.

      Reply
  • Nelly

    Hey I posted something like 2 or so days ago don't know if you answered since I put in the wrong email.

    Reply
  • James Anderson

    Hi,

    After 3 weeks of speaking to my ex on and off and seeing her a week ago. I started no contact 5 days ago. My ex has contacted me today to ask about some stuff I left at hers and a pitcher plant she wants me to pick up as its going to die. Should I reply?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should reply. If the stuff can wait, let her know that you need some space and time right now and you will pick it up later. If it can't wait, then you can pick it up but when you meet her, make sure you keep any conversations with her short and to the point. Don't talk about anything personal and if she tries to do so, let her know you need space and time right now and you are not comfortable speaking to her as a friend.

      Reply
  • Anon

    Hey Kevin, your advice is really powerful. My gf of almost 6 years broke up with me, we've been in a long distance for quite a while. Many months ago I had downloaded some dating apps but I never intended to nor did I ever cheat, in fact I deleted them in days. My gf and I share accounts and recently saw the purchase history, she knows I didn't cheat on her but is upset that I wasn't open enough to tell her myself. She is a sweetheart and non judgmental, innocent but proud. I expressed many times how I realize my mistake and understand that she will find it hard to trust me and apologized. In her last message she said shes no longer angry at me and that I don't need to apologize. I said I'm here for her if she needs me. That was 24 hrs ago I read your website later and implemented 24 hrs of nc rule so far. It's her sisters wedding in two weeks and I don't know if I should text her that day and congratulate. Also I'm saving up to see her in a few months. Please advise, this girl is my childhood close friend and the only person I've had a serious relation with and same for her. Shes the only person I've ever seen myself with.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Follow the plan. You have a good chance of getting her back. You can text her if you like after two weeks. But keep it short and to the point.

      Reply
    • Anon

      Thanks Kevin! I've been on NC for two days now. The first time she mentioned anything to me she was very hurt and angry and in the past we've had a long 11 month separation (3 years ago).During that break she had blocked
      me from everywhere.

      This time she did not block me anywhere. Remained mostly unresponsive and I could sense some anger/hostility in the responses I got (and she mentioned how this wouldn't be like the past where we resolved things once we met in person).

      Then she was less angry and mentioned that she was hurt over me not trusting her to be non-judgmental and being open and that without trust and loyalty we can't have a future.

      Days later I started a new job and she wished me good luck when I texted her about it.

      In her very last text she simply asked me not to apologize (I was asking her if it was okay for me to call her as I felt like she deserved an apology in my voice and not just text) she said, that I had said enough (I had been trying to own up to my faults and ask her not to give up on me), she said she is no longer angry. I'm afraid this might mean shes becoming apathetic, only because she went 11 months without contacting me when we last had a huge breakup/fight.

      Do u think given this information I can still win her back? this is the only person I've known and sincerely loved in this way, I'll always regret it if I lose her.

      Reply
    • Anon

      Hey Kevin,
      In a sudden change of circumstances it seems like I'm going to be at her sisters wedding in like ten days, at that point point it will have been just over two weeks of nc. I haven't seen her in almost two years and don't know when I will have the chance again. What should I do?! Please help me!

      Reply
  • Celina

    Hi Kevin,
    Just to add on further to my earlier comment/message. My ex broke off with me on our 2 yr anniversary 5 weeks ago. Since she deleted me off and blocked me off from Facebook, I have not contacted her for about 4 weeks now. I saw her by coincidence at the train station and said hi to her but she was pretty cold.
    I miss her and our routine a lot but I think she has moved on since her love for me diminished.
    Deep down, I do hope we can cross paths again and that she will realise that I had loved her deeply. I dare not hope that we can get back together as a couple. I hope and pray that she will see me in a different light and get to know me all over again and that we can connect again. But right now, she has deleted and blocked me off from Facebook. I'm not sure she will ever reply my email or text if I were to contact her months for now.

    Please advise. Thank you.

    Celina

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      The only thing you can do is try contacting her via text or email after a month or two. If she doesn't reply, you can either try again after another couple of months or just decide to move on. In my opinion, if she is not willing to answer you even after 2-3 months of no contact, then it is in your best interest to move on.

      Reply
  • June

    Hey Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, it was peaceful. We even talked as usual after breaking up and he often checked on me if I was okay. He's a nice and caring guy, he knows the break-up is harder for me than he is so he trys talking to me and make sure I'm okay and I feel bad that I decided to do NC 3 days ago. So, in the past 3 days, he texted me once per day to check due to my job requires me to fly out often and the last one I got, I can feel that he thinks I'm being not nice and rude for not replying. He's worried and he doesn't like playing games. I should just keep doing NC? I do feel bad to make him worry about my safety (because the country I'm at just had volcano eruption).

    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Just let him know that you need some time and space to deal with the breakup and you don't want to stay in contact with him for a while.

      Reply
  • Esther

    Would this NC rule still work even on someone who has moved away? I have searched Google and most forums and blogs say that generally this is a polite way of telling someone you don't see a future with them anymore. Unless you also move over there that's kind of the end. I do know some people I still spoke to after they moved who I would like to try again with.

    Thanks in advance!

    Reply
  • alex

    hey kevin

    me and my ex broke up about a year ago because we had a hugh fight and i did somethings outta anger that i regret and because i wasnt really doing things i was suppose to do as a father and boyfriend after the break up i moved to texas to try to better my life and avoid any problems between us that could make it worst we have a 3 year old daughter together so we speak here and there about her but when i was away i was being clingy and texting her and calling her to get back together with me and that i changed she would reply and tell me stop worrying bout us and worry bout my daughter first before anything she still ignores and all that and doesnt wanna be around me or nothing cause of the things that happen in the past i cant lie i have still been hitting her up bout us getting back together and she just ignores me but she did tell me if i did what i have to do she would think about it i love this girl man with all my hearth and want to be a family with her i just need to change my ways and take care of my responsibilities so my question is after a year of not seeing each other and her ignoring me and not wanting to be around me still do you think i could still get her back she does tell me sometimes she would see if i just do what i gotta do i need advice kev

    Reply
  • Jennifer

    Hi Kevin I've been with my ex for 8 years we broke up 6months ago we have a child , the problem is we still live together. He has a new girlfriend they been together for about 5 months he seems happy with the break up tells me to move on but gets angry and jealous when I go out with my friends. I tried the no contact rule not easy but I'm starting over. I will be moving in 2 months I don't know what to do I just think he hasn't made anything better and doesn't deserve another chance!! Please help me kevin!!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jennifer,

      No contact (or limited contact) will definitely help. Once you can get some space from him, you will be able to think things over and realize if he deserves another chance.

      Reply
  • Maria T

    Dear Kevin,

    Today I received one of your daily mails that will help me to get through the break up.
    It said a lot about how to handle my social media life, such as Facebook. You told me how it will show hostility if I delete or block my ex - but in this blog you recommend me to delete or even deactivate my Facebook, if I was obsessed over my ex.

    Now the thing is... From day 1 I started the NCR, I blocked my ex from Facebook and Instagram without knowing that I would delete him from my friendlist. And I'm really not sure whether that created hostility or it will help me getting through the NCR? And what excuses do I have to make when the 30 days are over?

    Best Regards

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Maria,

      It's OK if you deleted him. If it comes up later on, you can tell him that you didn't want to obsess over his facebook, which is why you deleted him.

      Reply
  • Kyle

    Great Article TY.

    Reply
  • Esther

    So is the NC rule less effective if I have told my ex we are doing it? For example I said I'd completely shut him out for 4 months and then come back. I'm just worried the effects aren't going to be as strong since he already knows.

    1 month is not a long time. With things like malls, gyms, meds, and cosmetic procedures I've gone anywhere from three months to over a year. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's still effective. Even if he told him that you'll come back, he'll still have a fear of losing you. Not to mention, you will still get the benefit of having some space and time away from your ex.

      Reply
  • Rob

    Can I ask about parents. I am on really good terms with my ex's parents and they have already told me that I am welcome to come around for a coffee and a chat if I need. In my 5 year relationship, they became the parents I wish I had when I was growing up and I have a lot of respect for them. When it comes to the no contact rule with my ex, should I also include her parents? If they called or text me I'm not sure I could ignore them, especially as they have done so much for me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You don't have to ignore them. Just don't talk about your ex and your personal life. Be polite to them and be discrete about your personal life.

      Reply
  • Julz

    "No Contact rule" is [email protected]!t. No one has ever come back in my experience. Hearts are ripped out and NC is doling out false hope that exes come back. They don't. Deal with the grief, scream, cry, and with time you will get back to the feeling before you were with the person.

    Reply
  • Oscar

    Hi Kevin,

    Will NC work to get my ex back if she was the one who told me that I need time to myself to get over everything and then contact her when I do?
    We had a blow out over Facebook and she blocked me. Because of that she told me to take time away from her

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes it'll still work.

      Reply
    • Oscar

      Thanks Kevin. I have another question, How long should I do the No Contact period? My ex is one of those independent, stubborn, single mother type who has baggage in terms of her father.
      After the break up she has compared me to her father, in terms of trying to fix the relationship and failing, and she has mad false things up about me to pick up the pieces and move on.
      We agreed to be friends right after the break up but it was one sided. I was doing all the initiating and as time went one she started to disconnected from me and ignore my texts and calls.
      Before I went on my No Contact period, I asked if we could have another chance at the relationship, and her answer was; I cant answer that right now. I'm sorry.
      Was she trying to spare my feelings? How long should I do No contact for?

      Reply
  • bruce

    Me and my ex have a baby boy. Soon after he was born we split up. About a month or so after she started seeing some guy(sounds like a rebound). I can't do nc but I've been doing good recently at not talking to her about anything but our son and it has started to show. I know we have a chance at a great family, I just have to settle my thoughts on a family better, and not say anything to her. We do have our moments, recently she has lightened up and been a little more playful and joking. She is still dating this guy and still let's me know it from time to time(which drives me nuts, but most of the time I try to ignore it). What would be your advice on fully getting her back? What do you think of my situation? Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Apply no contact. Tell her you need some time and space to accept the breakup. Only keep contact pertaining to the baby as mentioned in the article.

      Reply
  • John

    Kevin,
    I need your help ASAP! I've taken all the right paths. I've stuck to NC as hard as it was. My ex has called or texted or both the past 4 days. Still I have maintained the NC. She texted me just now saying that she guesses she will quit trying to contact me and she wishes me all the best. What so I do? Break the nc or just don't worry about it. I want her back in my life. But I want to give her the time she needs to remove the negative thoughts and miss me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you want, you can tell her you need some space and time right now. OR you can ignore her. Either ways is fine and won't make much of a difference.

      Reply
  • chris

    Hi kevin i had been with my gf for 4 years wuth no breaks or split ups and we seen each other practically every day and the last two months were rocky so we decided to go on a break and a 2 days into the break she said she didnt love me the same anymore and wanted to split up with me over the phone the first week was hard i tried contacting her and she wouldnt answer then she let me speak to her once and she was really blunt so i left it for 2 weeks but in that 2 weeks ive spoke to her freinds and father for advice and she knows i have and is pissed off about it and says ive told him we are split. What next? Thanks

    Reply
  • John

    Hi Kevin,
    I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. (She broke up with me). The reason she gave me for breaking up is that she isnt sure if Im "The one" and that she hasnt felt like she has had those level feelings for me. There is a bit of an age gap which has always bugged her. ( Im 21 shes 29). And it always seems to come back to this. Do you think there is a point in me trying or are we to far apart If I feel like shes "the one" and maybe I should try to move on?
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you feel like it's worth trying, you should try it. Do no contact and contact her. If it doesn't work out, you can move on knowing you gave it a try.

      Reply
  • Matilda

    Just want to attest that, when correctly tailored to the situation, the no contact rule really does help both parties feel better and sometimes reconnect purely out of missing one other if not because of the improvements that one or both have made in the time they would have wasted waiting by the phone. My ex has a job that takes him away for long periods of time (a convenient 30 days in the instance following our split) so in a way I was forced to do no contact (at least physical contact) but I'm glad I did and had this blog to make me feel less alone during this painful and lonely month. My ex and I were very close friends before we were together so when he ended it (out of nowhere!) he did so with the understanding that we'd still be friends. For this reason I began to feel a little childish about dodging his messages (using the silent treatment as a grown woman?) so after two or so weeks of not responding to his fairly frequent friendly messages I caved and replied but I did not beg for him back, talk about the breakup, or express sadness. I just treated him the way I did when we were friends. That was the person he fell in love with and that was the person I needed to be to get him back. For anyone reading this comment I want to say this blog has a lot of great and comforting advice but don't forget that every situation is unique and only you know the circumstances of your breakup. If I had totally cut my ex off he would not have come running back into my arms after his return (yes it happened...so relieved and happy!) Because I threw him a bone every now and then, but still ingnored more messages than I responded to, he kept coming back for more. One thing that goes for all relationship recovery is that you need to be your best self to attract your partner. I know how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning after having your heart broken let alone go to work and exercise, spend time with friends etc but you MUST move on and get back to yourself if you want to win someone back or win someone new.

    Good luck everyone!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Thank you so much for your comment Matilda. I really appreciate you sharing your story and your experience. Good luck with your new(old) relationship.

      Reply
  • Pam

    Hi Kevin,
    I was with my ex for 1 and a half years and then he dumped me because I was too needy of him (which I was) I did everything needy that you can think of to get him back. I begged through phone, text & social networks, I also ask his best friend to help me get him back (his friend ignored me) and that made him really upset, he asked me to leave him alone and he blocked me from everything. The last thing I told him was that I would change my phone number (which I did) and now I wanna start the NC for 60 days, until his birthday in 2 months, do you think I still have a chance even after all of that?

    Reply
  • Sara

    Your article was very informative and I enjoyed reading it.so thank u very much for every thing u do to help me and others

    Reply
  • Rohan

    Hi Kevin,
    . I can't find my comment. Where I can find my comment?And I didn't Receive your Second Email. Plzzz Help me.

    Thanks
    Rohan

    Reply
  • Scotty

    Kevin,
    Friday will be 30 days of NC. But here's my question. Our mutual friends tell me that she really just wants us to be friends. I also know that for the last 2-3 weeks she has been spending more & more time with her former ex. (The guy before me). I know it's just your opinion but what are the chases that mine and her 3 year relationship was just a rebound? In those 3 years this will be the 3rd break up but they others were more of a backing off. They only last about 2-3 weeks. All the things that she said was wrong with them were pretty major issues. Only 1 thing has changed. He use to work out of town and only got to spend vacations together. The other issues felt were religious, his parents, and he was very judgemental. I have accepted the fact we may never be together again but it still doesn't stop my Love for her!! Also do you think I should just cut ties and walk away?! Thank you for all you do!!! It has really helped me and many others through these hard times!!!!!

    Reply
  • Susie

    Hi Kevin

    I posted a comment a few days ago and it doesn't seem like it's come up? Please could you reply with your advice please on my situation. I deeply want him back. I don't know if the no contact rule will apply or not since I broke up with him,

    Thank you
    Susie

    Reply
  • Martin McCabe

    This shit is dumb. Your going to have to get over it all anyway if you ever get back together, and probably more... so chunk it up, stop playing mind games. Send her a email when you feel like u should and if she comes back she does if she doesn't then talk to the next girl that giggles at you. A woman falls in love with the person you are, the environment and relationship you provide. Believe me they listen, more than us, they are built that way, shit their body releases sexual neurotransmitters when they gossip to each other. She knows bro. Love is about communication. Let her know how you feel when your ready, then the ball is in her court where she wants it anyway. Give em something to think about. That's how you got her in the first place.

    Reply
    • walad

      Martin McCabe, I tried your shit. it did not work, so I am now trying the NC strategy, hopefully it works. worst case scenario, I will giggle back at the next chick.

      Reply
  • Sally

    How am I to follow the no contact rule if we go to the same school and have classes together?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't talk to him unless it's absolutely necessary. If you have to talk to him, keep it short and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

      Reply
  • John Carpenter

    You draw an analogy between the jilted lover and an addict thereby suggesting, like addicts, the person who has experienced a breakup should go "cold turkey" by employing "no contact".

    In a very real sense, powerful neurochemicals that have been compromised (serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin) are the reasons a person is in such pain after a breakup and like the sudden cessation of nicotine, alcohol, or cocaine, a "cold turkey" approach--in this case "No Contact" is DEFINATELY not the way to g and is likely only to produce unneeded suffering and the larger problem of cyclical relationships.

    Here is a statement by Dr. Colin Mendelsohn, an addiction specialist:

    "Research clearly shows that using willpower alone is the least successful method for quitting smoking. (1) The chances of successful quitting on your own are only 3-5% for any given attempt. (2). In other words, less than one in 25 cold turkey quit attempts succeeds."

    Neurochemical imbalances subsequent to a breakup cause:

    • breakups to be experienced as physical pain.

    • increase sensitivity to actual physical pain. It takes less of a physical injury to experience pain.

    • Women to experience heightened brain activity related to pain when they observe pain in others or they hear about romantic breakups in other women.

    Put simply, this is real pain and it is NOT mitigated by a cold turkey approach in the vast majority of people. A well-thought out "tapering" program where the bereaved methodically withdraws attention from their former partner while acting AS IF the crisis had already passed will be far more successful. After some initial acute pain--perhaps a week or two, the individual will not be forced to sever all contact, merely begin decreasing it incrementally.

    Additionally, Dan Gilbert of Harvard has studied happiness and as implausible as it seems, if an event happened to us three months ago or longer, the brain no longer has it on its "to do" list. It will, if a person accepts what has happened will create something called "synthetic happiness"--which feels just as good as real happiness. It's what we get when we don't get what we want.

    "No Contact" interferes with humans doing what they naturally do when rejected by a lover, partner, or spouse: they briefly become hysterical and compulsive until they realize those compensatory behaviors don't work, they give up, mourn for awhile, and the brain gets busy creating "synthetic happiness" . If you choose to tough it out for 30, 60, or 90 days by going "No Contact", you are just postponing the most potent antidote at your disposal for returning to a new and better "normal".

    I would strongly urge anyone to rethink employing a hard-core "No Contact" strategy. Elements of it, yes, but total no-contact, never.

    One can begin by not initiating phone calls and if one gets one limiting it to 15 minutes.
    Fake it until you become it. Be cordial, treat your ex as an acquaintance nothing more and act AS IF he or she did you a favor. It works. Not to necessarily reconnect (which there are good reasons not to, ever, but to regain a sense of autonomy.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey John,

      Interesting analysis. This is the second comment I've received which suggests tapering. I think it might work for some people. But in my experience, no contact is much more effective way. One of the reason is that it's extremely hard for most people to develop a "tapering" program with their ex and even harder to implement it. A small ray of hope of reconciliation from your ex might make you feel really good about yourself or a cold shoulder from your ex might make you feel extremely miserable. In essence, your emotions are completely dependent on your ex and not you. To be more precise, you can never have a controlled environment to taper off your ex because you can never control how your ex will react (and in most cases you can't even control how you will react to their reaction). And from all the feedback I receive from visitors of this site, I've come to realize that the people who don't do no contact usually stay in their state of grief (hysterical, compulsive, obsessive etc.) much longer than the ones who do apply no contact.

      Reply
  • Scotty

    Kevin,
    During the NC I deactivated my Facebook. That's been 3 weeks ago. Should I leave it deactivated until the NC is over and also do I keep her as a friend on there?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you think you can handle seeing her posts on facebook and not start obsessing over her, keep her as friends. As for reactivating. It's upto you. It's not necessary. But it might be advantageous if you have been doing new things and are ready to share them on facebook.

      Reply
  • Sandy Joe

    Hey Kevin,

    I know a guy for almost 3 months and we both are in different countries. We started talking on the fone and liked each other a lot. But from the day one we had a lot of misunderstandings between us because of the long distance and second that we have never met. After 3 months of continuous disagreements we parted and broke up with each other and in a bad manner. To an extent of abusing each other. I like him a lot and started loving him. He has a lot of misconceptions about me which are not correct. I want him to come back. I have read your article but the problem is he has blocked me from everywhere. Please suggest how it is going to happen. Sandy

    Reply
  • Scotty

    Kevin,
    Attempting to get my ducks in a row here..I've read RRW 4 times. I kinda feel that my ex is indifferent. So after the no contact do I use the magic letter from RRW or use the one like you suggested? Of course she's popping up at my gym at least once a week. I'm cordial but not personal & usually gone within 15-20 minutes after she leaves. As I've said before we have a church class on Wednesday nights & church on Sundays. So we see each other but I keep it short and sweet & I'm gone!!! One time she acts as if we never dated and the next time she seems a little flirtatious. I just ignore it all.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you two are constantly seeing each other, I'll recommend you skip the letter and move straight to texts. If you want to go with a letter, go with the one I suggested not RRW.

      Reply
  • Kiara

    "And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over." You mentioned this in the physical activity section. Although I'm not sure what you mean? Could you please explain?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I meant when you work out and look better than before, your ex will notice it when you meet them after no contact.

      Reply
  • Simba

    My ex is nearly 15 years my junior and I have known him for 6 years when i was still married. I divorced 3 years ago, found a house and was planning to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. He has been in love with me for years and has waited for me to be single. 6 weeks ago he told me he had fallen out of love with me but still wanted me as a friend and that he would love and miss me always. He said there was definitely no future for us.
    We continued to text/chat but this became too difficult for me since I am still in love with him. I was looking at his photos on Facebook constantly and looking over past texts until i realised this was not helping me move on. I told him i would be unfriending him on Facebook and not contacting him and he told me he would not contact me until I contacted him. The very next day he contacted me with a work related problem. I had no choice but to answer- it was to do with work (we work in the same building). I dealt with the issue in a professional manner. 2 days later, i received another phone call at work asking for advice on a personal work issue. I gave him the advice but stressed that his personal problems were no longer my concern. Following the phone call, I received an email stating that it was obvious from my tone of voice that he shouldn't have called me and that it wouldn't happen again. I did reply stating he could call me regarding work related issues but not personal ones. His reply felt abrupt, pointed and cold. I needed to tell him that contact with him was only reminding me of what I had lost and I was only trying to move on as he had asked me to. I then received an email which had a completely different tone- more friendly- he called me 'my darling' and again promised not to contact me. I am confused. I don't know if he is being insensitive, cruel or immature. I know I have to start the no contact rule again but his calls to me are just dragging me backwards and I really don't think he understands how difficult it is to fall out of love with someone. I feel that he has moved on but is stopping me doing the same. I would welcome your opinion on his actions please Kevin. Is it worth me waiting for him? Is he being cruel contacting me or is he being selfish wanting me as a friend? I panic each time my phone rings or I receive a text message. I feel he's messing with my head and my emotions.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      It's hard to say exactly how he feels. Perhaps he has moved on and perhaps he wants to stay in touch with you because a part of him wants to be with you. Regardless of his intentions, you should do no contact for a few months. In fact, I'll recommend you tell him to not contact regarding any issues (work or personal) as it is only going to deter your progress.

      Reply
  • Scotty

    Well, last night a friend told me they seen my ex with another guy & tagged them on facebook(which I'm not on at the time) & then this am someone else told me how she how she's posting on Facebook how life is so great!!!! I think I'm gonna go in sane!!! Only 1.5 weeks into no contact even though we broke up August 1. Is she really moving on? The guy she was seen with is someone her closes friends told she would never date but she has been friends with him for 6 years.

    Reply
  • Zun

    Hi Kevin
    My gf broke up with me few days ago. It's a long and complicate story so I won't tell it here. But the next month is her birthday, should I end the no-contact period with a happy birthday message?
    Thanks :)

    Reply
  • Mark

    Hey Kevin. I've done NC for about a week now. My ex has reached out to me 4x without me initiating contact. I broke contact abruptly with her when it all seemed cool between us. She text me that she was worried about me and also we share a phone plan together she inquired about payment. I'm trying to keep NC for 30 straight days but should I at least say "I'm okay and fine." I wasn't doing so well 2 weeks ago and she seemed extremely nervous even reaching out to my friends to see if I'm okay. Should I keep NC? I'm actually at peace with everything although its been a week and I don't feel the need to check up on her or reach out ot her. Thanks in advance

    Reply
  • Divine

    My guy is different. He breaks off all contact when he ends his relationships; this allows him time to forget the person he was in a relationship with, to not deal with the pain and to move onto someone else. One of the reasons we broke up is b/c I had to be away for 10 days and couldn't see him in person (only talk and text) and when we originally got together, he said, he needs to see the person every couple of days or he forgets about them. While that may sound clingy, he is quite the opposite. He is very strong-willed and strong-minded. Completely opposite of what I've dated in the past. I feel the longer I do NC, the easier it is for him to move on and he'll think I don't care. I REALLY STRONGLY BELIEVE the NC rule will not work for him. Advice?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      First of all, NC is not for him as much as it is for you. If he is strong willed and strong minded, trying to stay in touch with him will be in vain. Because he will just ignore you and it'll make you look needy. On the other hand, if you also do NC and don't contact him for one month, it'll give you greater chance of getting back in touch and rebuilding attraction.

      Reply
    • Hers

      My girlfriend's telling me we are better off as friends. we are lesbians and she is still in the closet. I have a 12 year old son who is the reason we end up in conflict. She says he is grown and always looks for something to be wrong with something he has done. She keeps bringing up her age and how she doesn't have time for bull.... I truly love her and she says she loves me. We are supposed to attend a graduation together for her nephew. Should I still attend? This falls within the no contact time frame. Also my belongings and my son's are still at her house. What should I do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you are close to the nephew, then you should attend. If not, then text her saying that you won't be able to attend because you have decided to take some time and space for yourself.

      Reply
  • Gigi

    Hi Kevin and gang- Gigi here. Kevin told me last week to use LC on my ex -who has a new gf, #2 since we broke up 3 months ago. At first he was messaging lots to apologize but tell me he's trying to improve in the same breath. We had a phone convo and I wished him well, I was cool and cheerful, and he was surprised but told me he noticed I was too moving on through fb (I unfriended him, but he still goes and "likes" anything public). He thinks I'm in a new relationship with y old ex, but I told him that's int he air and for now I'm enjoying my time. I wished him love in his new life and hung up to go on vacation with some friends.
    I started NC -although Kevin suggested LC. He contacted me a couple of days later to say hi and -again- lmk he's not sure this relationship will go on, they have their issues, he misses me, thinks of us, etc. I didn't answer. Then nothing for a week. Suddenly on Friday he emailed a "hi, (pet name) I was thinking of you today" around 11 am. Then on Saturday: "Good morning (pet name) I wish you are doing well". About 1 hour later another letting me know he will be moving and his new address. And that he will be recording the song he wrote for me at a studio on Sunday. Sunday: He's recording the song. Monday: "I'm moving today. Lots of great memories of us. I'll keep all your things safe. I would love to chat online for a bit if you are around."
    These all look like he wants to reach out, yet there's the new girlfriend issue, and the NC. I was told to use LC, but I have no idea how to.
    1) How can handle/do proper LC?
    2) Are these emails a good sing, or a typical "keeping me on an invisible leash" while having fun with new gf?
    3) This is a guy with a giant ego. I don't to seem to available either.

    Thanks for the help!!! :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      1) Whenever he contacts you keep things short and don't talk about anything personal. Be cheerful and don't let him know that you want him back.
      2) It can be either. No one can say for sure.
      3) If you are confident about yourself and you know that you don't need him in your life to be happy, his ego will take a backseat. It might take time, so you should be patient.

      Reply
    • Gigi

      Thanks Kevin! I could give it a shot, although all his emails are all along the personal lines, so to avoid that very personal touch, I will answer "Thanks! and have a good day too." -ugh! so confusing, shouldn't he be "happy" with the new woman?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Not if it's a rebound.

      Reply
  • scotty

    i submitted a comment before but never seen it or a reply?

    but anyways, i caved on day 4 of no contact for a stupid reason.. i deactivated my facebook account so i dont have to worry about that but me and my ex were friends on a fitness app and today she unfriended me & that caused me to cave. we go to same church and actually have a Wednesday night class together.last wednesday night i told her that out side of church & our class i needed her to not contact me. we broke up aug 1. but it started by her saying she needed some space. we have gone through this before & it happens at sametime of year.. so in giving her space i would not text or call her & she actually was back to texting me at least 6 days a week about off the wall stuff. she would stay away from talking about us and i wouldnt bring it up. but i am going crazy missing here so dang much!!!! well i text her to ask how church was today(i was out of town and couldnt go) & i messed up and asked if i could swing by for a couple of minutes to talk. to which she made excuses why i couldnt & then turned it back on me for asking her not to contact me!!! she said we could talk at some point. i have read RRW 3-4 times. its really hard for me to determine which stage she is in. just last weekend she made drastic decisions when stupid stuff happened that made her think i was trying to erase her memory!!! i could go on forever. but im not sure what to do?????
    i could give many examples of her getting jealous since we broke up. if she doesnt want me why is she jealous & scared im try to erase her memory???? Please help and advise!!!!!

    Reply
    • scotty

      we are both 42 and we were together for 3 years

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Because she still has feelings for you and is confused about this contradiction between her brain and her heart. Give her time to sort out the confusion and use this time to become a happy and confident person.

      Reply
    • scotty

      Thank You!!! its a tough situation!(as you know) 4 days was the longest we have ever gone without any contact in 3 years! i see all the areas that cause the break down. It just ticks me off that most of our issues was over stupid stuff that could easily be fixed!
      i learned early that she is the kind of girl that when things aren't going her way she will make quick and harsh decisions!! And that scares me! i just wish i wouldn't have caved last night and text her!! Thank again!!

      Reply
    • scotty

      sorry for double reply.. but the wednesday night class at church was a class she didnt want to take but 2 days after our break up she signed up for it. she also asked me to be her accountability partner for the class which i declined.. was that a smart move??

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes. You need some time and space and you are taking control of your life and your emotions. It shows you are strong and you put your well being before her.

      Reply
  • Steph

    Hey Kevin,

    I'm 19, my ex is 21. We broke up about a little less than a week ago after dating 3 months.

    Before I came to this site, I broke the no-contact rule and called him a few days after the break up saying its hard without him.

    Then a couple days after I called he texted me saying he's been depressed and can barely work.

    Then I stupidly getting my hopes up offered for us to go to lunch tomorrow.

    Now that I read your advice I feel as if I should cancel, right? But im not sure what to say without it coming off sad or strange.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Go for the lunch if you think you can handle it without looking needy and clingy. If you think you can't cancel it. If you go, don't talk about getting back together and don't let him realize that you want him back.

      Reply
  • Maddy

    I really see now how the no contact rule can help but I have one problem that is not talked about her my ex is moving to another state in 3 months.. For a better life and school reasons..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You have enough time to end no contact and get back in touch before she moves. Do NC for one month, get back in touch and try to build up attraction before she leaves. Although, long distance relationships are hard and you should be prepared for the worst.

      Reply
  • Lucy

    Hey Kevin
    I posted a comment with my story but it didn't seem to work. It didn't pop up under the comment section.
    Thanks lucy

    Reply
  • nyabash

    hi Kevin, i have a question while im doing my no contact,my ex texted me apologizing about the way things ended.but he said the reason he was apologizing was because''he didn't want to have to meet me somewhere and have a grudge with me.'' what should i do? what do you make of this?
    thanks

    Reply
    • nyabash

      hi kelvin over this past days he has been calling me and asking me to talk to him he even sent me a text about something serious which i replied to but kept it to that and nothing personal.but know he keeps asking me if ill ever talk to him again? what should i do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Next time he calls, just tell him you need some time and space right now and you will contact him after some time.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi Kevin so I did what you said but then he sent me a message saying he bought me a shoe and if I'm not in town he can mail to me. He even sent me a picture of it? What should I do now? Thanks.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's a good sign. Tell him that you can't accept any gifts from him right now as you need some space and time. Perhaps when you are ready to talk to him, you can take it from him. Then continue no contact.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi kelvin could please help me understand the apology he made that I've posted above??
      Thank you.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You are over-thinking it. It just meant what he said it meant. It doesn't have any hidden meaning. He doesn't want to have any negative feelings between you two. It doesn't mean he is moving on and it also doesn't mean that he wants you back. Stop analyzing it.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Thanks kelvin but I have one last question so you mean to say that you can tell from his apology he doesn't want me back? So I should just stop the no contact and move on ?
      Thank you.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      No I meant that you cannot determine from his apology whether or not he wants you back.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi Kevin so I did what you told me about the shoe situation and continued the no contact but today he sent me a long message saying that he can't keep waiting until the day I decide to talk to him and he's going to delete my number so he's not inclined to text me when it doesn't lead to anything . He's also been just sending me other messages saying he misses me so much but I didn't reply. So should I continue the no contact?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Continue no contact. If he keeps on messaging (for the next one week) tell him that your intention is not to hurt him but to gain some perspective on your life and you need some time and space for yourself. Hope he understands.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi Kevin,
      I only have one week left before the 30 days . So should I extend and do more weeks ?
      Thanks

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Read the checklist at the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi kelvin , I have read step 4.so that means you want me to contact him and not do more than 30 days right?
      Thanks

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you feel confident, and you've accepted that even if you don't get him back you'll be OK, then you should do only 30 days. If not, do 45 days.

      Reply
    • Nyabash

      Hi kelvin I was reading about the best way to contact your ex back but I was wondering is sending him a picture of you a good way to start or no?
      Thank you

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No. Just send a text or use the letter or email.

      Reply
  • Mads

    What if she messages me:
    "Hi...you know, i'm dissapointed because you haven't been talking to me...
    for someone who wanted to be my friend that's very bad. if you didn't want to have anything with me you could have just said and not do what you did, wich is ignoring.
    i think that is very imature of you"

    note: Started no contact 4th august; calls ignored 2 maybe 4; Messages: 1 saying "hi" not counting with this one.

    I felt the urge as i saw the word " IMATURE". I know i got to her. I'm in her mind.
    But, can the silence be hurting my chances if she thinks i'm being imature?

    What or should i even reply?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can just tell her that you need some space and time to deal with the breakup before you can be friends with her.

      Reply
    • Mads

      I couldn't do so in the moment or any awnser would be telling in her mind that i was being imature.
      Kevin, thing is we broke up in january, and kinda broke up in june.
      Should i call or leave a text?
      Thank you for your help, seriously.

      Reply
    • Mads

      I am questioning your reply, because the secondary objective of no contact is to stay in her mind as long as possible, remove the bad image of me and create the missing effect, leave only good memories. I want this.
      I do not want to awnser to make myself feel good.
      Puting this at the table, should i still say what i am doing, wont that remove the effect of no contact?

      Thanks allot!

      Reply
    • Mads

      My sincere apologies for tripple reply. It's just that i'm so nervous because i've read all RRW from Ryan Rivers and your website and questions arrise.
      I'm supposed to be the one who takes this friendship thing better than she does acording to what i've learned.
      If i do say i need space, won't it get screwed up?

      Again, apologies for tripple post, allot of intel from your help, please awnser them all in one, thank you very much =)

      Reply
  • Mads

    I've chased her after she broke up. Found out another guy. There are signs of rebound althou hes an old friend.
    I have been, (before reading about the no-contact rule), not calling her or sending messages, but she has been doing it and i always replied. Lately she even said i could call her more often. That even if she was occupied she'd call back.
    Should i keep on with the no contact rule or letting her chase while i pickup is ennough?
    Ps: She called twice 3 days ago. saw caller id. and then i got two private calls. i'm sure it was her. Your opinion please?

    Reply
  • ailana

    Hi Kevin,
    My husband is throwing my birthday party this Wednesday before taking an outer island vacation with his "friend" (as he calls her) on the weekend. We have a child and blended financial issues as well as a very long personal history including highly intertwined family relationships. No contact is very difficult emotionally as well as literally, I do want my husband back though so I'm sure it can be achieved with much effort and creativity if it is what needs to be done, any suggestions?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, I think No Contact is especially important in this much convoluted relationships. Perhaps, the reason you want him back is because you feel you can't have a life without him. And maybe you will feel different once you start to have a life without him. If you don't, you are free to contact him after no contact. But I still think it's important.

      Reply
    • ailana

      Thank you. Actually I have loved my husband for over 18 years now and never stopped wanting him but since I have begun to make personal changes I do know that life without him wont kill me. My birthday party went well and I will be starting no contact today or at least limited, business only contact.

      Reply
    • Hannah

      Hey mads I am a girl myself and my bf has been ignoring me for quite a while which has been driving me crazy. He doesn't pick my calls or answers my texts or reply to my fb messages. He only talks ti me when he is online and usually when I ask him about his ignorance behaviour, he just says he is busy, which he is but still doesn't he have like two seconds to just answer one important call. I used to cry, and think shout what could have went wrong until I started the no contact rule. When I am on fb I can no control myself when I see him online, I have tried doing the no contact rule many times but with my fb on I can't do it, so I deactivated my account, turned my phone off, and I barley use skype, and surprisingly he sent me a message on skype yesterday I was soo excited I was abt to reply but then I stooped myself. So the no contact really does work. I would say stick to it for at least a month I no it's hard but trust me bro ull end up feeling so much better. I have actually learned to control myself more now, I never feel like callin him now. Everytime I contacted him I would feel like m dropping my self respect and boosting his ego and since I had no control over ,yield beleive it or not I would call him over 50 times in ine night and one time he told me on skype that he is usually busy and that I bother him a lot. It's almost been a week for me, I would redo and sticking to it for at least a month.

      Good luck :)

      Reply
  • Aphro

    What about if your birthday falls in between those 30 days?! Shouldn't I expect him to contact me if I meant anything to him at all? And two if he does should I respond at all acknowledging his reaching out?! Thanks.

    Reply
  • Devesh

    What if my ex-gf doesn't contact me after the no-contact rule?? Shall i call her? Because my breakup was a disaster and she even told me that she is not atal interested in me... I tried nagging, begging but didn't worked out.

    Reply
  • Jessica

    After a month of no contact (EXACTLY one month), I heard a knock at my window and there was my ex with a bouquet of roses. It was so unreal.. I have a feeling that he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Thank you so much Kevin.

    Reply
  • Amy

    Hi! So I wrote on here a couple months ago about my girlfriend and how she left very suddenly after over a year and I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!

    Reply
  • Daisy

    Hi Kevin,

    Could you please advise me regarding my situation? I don't know who else to turn for help. I had posted my problem a few days back. Thank a lot.

    Regards,
    Daisy

    Reply
  • bony

    hey kevin,
    I recently had a broke up with my boyfriend, he said he dosent love meh anymore and we will never again can be with each other, the reason is because of meh, i was the one who acted needy and desparate like i wont be able to live without him, everytime we had fights, i would say i would walk in the middle of the road and all those stuffs that contains negative mind, so after all this,he felt stuck and wanted to leave meh, he said i killed all his love he had for meh and he will never ask meh back again, after a day later i asked him sorry and wanted him to back because i knew how crazy i was and so i asked him a chance for us to be together and he then he says he dosent love meh and he is seeing someone else and he is happy, he said he will never love me again and i got angry and told him something vulger like" f*** off, you dont kno what it is to be hurt, and dont text meh again" he after that he dint text me any more, i dont see any possible way of him coming back, we are in a distance relationship and its almost 6 months ,he left my place 3 months ago, we often fought but there was no problem about the distance, we never mentioned about it, im tensed, i love him and i want him because we were quite having a good connection, he has kinda good attitude, please let meh kno the possible ways that will help... im not sad about the break up but it was nice having him in my life so i want him... please help me out. :-)

    Reply
  • kate

    Hi Kevin, me again,

    i have written a letter to my ex since i messeged you, we are still in the no contact period, we broke up officialy now a week ago and i think he will still be quite angry ( from me drunkenly cheating on him) the letter talks about me missing him and wanting to try and get out trust back in time, do i send the letter at all? if so when? i dont think we will ever get out of the no contact period unless i initiate it,

    Thanks, Kate

    Reply
    • mike

      Hey Kate,

      I m in somewhat of the same situation and its only been a day of no contact so far... can you tell me when you are thinking about sending the letter. I was thinking about waiting three weeks to a month to send it.

      Thanks

      Reply
  • jamaal

    hi kevin, i was wondering if the no contact rule applies if my ex who broke up with me told me to never contact her again. the girl i love and been with for over 2 years told me last week that she doesnt want to be with me and doesnt love me anymore, she also said she doesnt want me to ever contact her again. usually we argue and she tells me to not contact her, i always end up texting her first and she forgives me but this time i did not contact her for 3 days which is the longest no contact i had with her since we been together but i missed her so much and ended up texting her and she told me to not contact her ever again. So now iv decided to not contact her for 3 weeks but will it work in my situation because my ex herself said she doesnt want me to contact her?

    Reply
  • Daisy

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in love with this guy for two years and suddenly last year he started finding faults with me and our fights escalated to the extent that he considered me a liar and would not trust anything i said at all. I tried my level best but it was of no use, it was as if he had made up his mind to dump me. He called it quits in March this year but got in touch with me in last week of April to get some work done- now when he got in touch he was behaving exactly the way he behaved when we started going out-talking on the phone all the time, meeting up everyday although he maintained his physical distance but he wanted to always talk to me.. It seemed as if things would get better but mid May things again spiraled down to him accusing me and again those fights. He went silent for two months this time and its July but no news of him. I did message him once or twice .. no weepy messages but simple how are you messages to which I got no reply.
    I know I might sound needy and desperate but I truly love him. Could you please help me understand why he is behaving like this? Will he ever come back to me? Please help me.
    Regards,
    Daisy

    Reply
  • janey

    I messed my man dumped me on may 28th on text and it hurt after having a big fight and i ended up saying some mean bad words to him thou i apologized immediately coz i realized it was mean of me.
    Nwa for a whole month i plead and begged for him to forgive me and take me back and if not taking me back just to give me a chance we have a sit down i apologize face to face but nothing every time i tried to communicate he would say he needs time. he wouldn’t respond to any form of communication txt, email or calls.
    so after a while i went and picked my house key from him and to after a whole month of apologizing i texted and told him he has won and i shall leave him in peace and ever since then iv never communicated. its been two weeks now since any form of comm from my side and i miss him everyday and its so hard not communicating but so far so good and i still want him back, the problem was i think for the month i was emotional unstable and in the confusion of the break up, am scared i may have pushed him more away than bringing him closer. what do i do or how can i win him back because i really want to be with him forever.
    how do i win him back, please advice best way.
    how effective is the no contact rule if initially after the break up you begged and pleaded for forgiveness for a whole month and he still dint want to talk but after that you pulled off completely??
    its exactly 1month 15 days from the break up but its been 23 days since when i backed up and stopped any form of comm but 2days ago i bumped into him he said hi said hi back, he asked how am doing i said fine. and continued with where i was going.
    pls advice really miss him and want to try win him back...

    Reply
  • Jonathan

    Hey! The girl that I was dating for several months decided to stop seeing me as she wasn't sure if I was the one (I guess!) despite having great time with me. After that I decided to go in to full NC with her and when I saw her once or twice during this time - I cut the converstion short and moved on. Until one day, she came to a place I usually hang out to see me - we spoke a bit, initially i didn't give in much despite some of her questions that were trying to find out if I am still interested etc. At the end of the night, I offered her a lift home, all the time acting cool until she told me she wants to speak to me.

    She asked me if I dated anyone in meantime - I told her that I did and she went mad at that. On the other hand, she was telling me that she's not sure she wants to be with me. I told her that I am open to try again with her (i think it was a mistake!) - she told me that she's not sure and she will see me when she wants to/desides rather than agreeing a new date. Since then I contacted her 2 days later, the conversation went fine but no result in meeting her again, although I didn't ask her out directly...

    Despite having a date in between I do think a lot about her and would like to try again with her. The question is - should I go NC all over again or try contact her one more time and ask directly to meet? I don't know if the dating some other girl might have push her back a bit or I should make an effort here.

    P.S she admits that she's not stable in emotions with me - I guess the bad experience from the last relationship might have helped here... sorry for the long text...

    Reply
  • Ruth

    After we broke up, I did almost a month of no contact, then we resumed contact as friends (though I secretly hoped we might get back together) and even met up once, but I got fed up with being the one to initiate communication most of the time, etc… so I told him about 2 weeks ago that I cannot be friends with him right now because I still have feelings for him. I made it sound like we might never communicate again, though I did mean it because I wasn’t sure if I was just going to try to move on for good or not. Well, right now, I really miss him in my life (even as a friend). I figure I will contact him again in the future, but I want to get over him first. Being “friends” with him too soon was preventing me from moving on and I didn’t like that I would check up on his social media sites, make assumptions about him not wanting to talk to me based on my own perceptions of things (which sometimes turned out to be wrong), etc… so I decided to cut contact again so I could re-focus on myself and really heal. How long do you think I should maintain NC for now that I am back in it? He broke up with me 3 months ago now. And how should I break the ice should I decide later to get back in touch?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ruth,

      Like I said in my last comment, if you want to move on, you should not try to be friends with him. Not at least you've completely moved on. That means until you are absolutely sure you don't want to get back together with him. That's when you will be ready to be friends with him. When you decide to get back in touch with him, you can just send him a simple text or give him a call. Since you will be trying to be friends with him, you shouldn't think too much about what you are saying. If you have to think and analyze before texting him, then you aren't really trying to be friends with him.

      Reply
    • Ruth

      Thanks for the advice, Kevin! I guess you are right... and I still have hopes for more than just friendship with him. Do you think I still have a chance (it's been 3 months since the break-up), and how long should I go NC for during this 2nd round of NC if that is the case? It's been 2 weeks so far.

      Reply
  • Kevin

    Kevin,

    I tried to post about my situation a few days ago and hadn't seen it hit the board. Was my post too long and/or not approved??

    Thanks
    Kevin

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      I guess it must've been deleted if it was too long. You can post again here.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Breaking this into two parts...

      Hey Kevin,
      As some background, my ex-girlfriend and I admittedly have some baggage. I was in a poor marriage when we met last September, we talked a lot and became close over the next few months, my now ex-wife discovered our relationship in late December, we were divorced by March, and ultimately my ex and I weren’t deterred and moved right into a serious relationship together until she broke up with me in late May. I also have a daughter which has complicated things between us as well along with the fact I’m 29 and my ex is 22.

      So, in mid-to-late May we had our first real fight, she didn’t respond well, and she proceeded to go dark for a week. I tried getting in touch with her for the first few days but eased up as the week went along. Finally, she contacted me and wanted to talk. She came over to my place and we proceeded to talk for over two hours. She essentially said she didn’t know how to deal with the guilt she felt over breaking up my daughter’s family, had numerous other issues she hadn’t dealt with due to her introverted nature, and knew if she stayed with me she wouldn’t deal with anything because I made her happy leading her to ignore those issues. It sucked but I handled it as well as I could. I promised her I’d give her space and she was insistent that no matter what I’d always have her as my best friend.

      For the next week and a half I sent her just two text messages, didn’t hear back on either, and left it at that. On Sunday June 8th, she broke her no contact to tell me she’d been thinking about me, she missed me, and just wanted to let me know she’d moved into her new place. I kept the conversation light that evening and felt good about the situation. She continued to contact me for the next couple days and I did a good job of keeping it pretty light even though we were already getting into conversations about not getting over one another and talking about eating together and/or seeing a movie the next week. But on Thursday evening after a couple beers I got frustrated, talked about not being together, was told this is exactly what she was worried about if we started talking again, and she went to bed. I figured after that conversation I wouldn’t hear from her again for a few days. That Friday evening, I went to dinner with my parents and my ex came walking up to the same restaurant on a date with another guy. I didn’t handle it well, stupidly confronted she and the guy, and they left.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      Part 2...

      Someone should have taken my phone at that point because for the first time since everything happened I went on a texting spree. She ultimately texted back, told me she owed me an explanation, apologized that I had to see that, but wished I gotten some background information on the situation before making a fool out of her and that the “date” as she put it was a church date to talk about me and a lot of the guilt she’d been dealing with recently. She told me to have a good night, but I was still mad and stupidly texted and called once to the point where she told me I was scaring her and wanted me to leave her alone.

      Since that night I’ve progressively texted her less and less even though I’ve been incredibly frustrated that she wouldn’t provide me some kind of closure when I’ve asked her to please just tell me she wants me out of her life if she didn’t think I could a part of it. Finally, last Tuesday, I reached out to her for the first time in a week to ask her if she wanted my cat she loves to death that I can’t keep anymore. She responded instantly, we talked briefly about the cat situation, she made it clear she didn’t want to chat, but I still took the opportunity to reiterate my desire to have some kind of closure if she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. She said maybe eventually but she just couldn’t right now. I asked if it was because she was just that mad at me still and she simply said yes and wished she could be left alone right now. I said okay, that’s the least I could do after embarrassing her, apologized again for hurting her, and told her if she needed anything let me know. She said thanks and we left it at that.

      She didn’t stay quiet for long though as she made contact with me again Saturday texting me a picture of an inside joke. I was polite and responded intermittingly since I was out with friends and left it at that. She contacted me again on Sunday and again I was polite and kept it light. Eventually I shared news with her that my-ex wife was already engaged to someone else which I thought she’d be happy to hear about. Instead, she seemed more concerned with how I found out and how much I was talking to my ex-wife. I’d say the response felt pretty territorial. The conversation eventually died down and I wasn’t about to push her to talk more.

      I guess after hearing about this train wreck is it worth giving the 30 day no contact strategy a try? Or do you think too much damage has already been done these past few weeks? Thanks Kevin!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kevin,

      Given the fact that she is already contacting you and is being territorial, I think you have a good chance. You can do 30 day no contact. If she contacts you, you can tell her you need some time and space to deal with the breakup. I think limited contact will also work in your situation, i.e. only answer if she contacts you and keep it short. Your choice.

      Reply
  • Natasha

    Ex and I broke up after 2 years we were in love and I truly believe we still are mostly did everything together but still had freedom between each other. I tried to agree with him for awhile about breaking up then got needy once the next couple of days and he made it clear we'd never be together again. The decision for the breakup put a lot of pressure on him. He says he loves me but can't see me because it will bring feelings but were done for good? Not sure what to do since his mind seems pretty made up also started no contact 3 weeks ago

    Reply
  • Zandi

    Hi Kevin

    My ex told me he cares about me, our chemistry is awesome and that when he's with me the world disappears and he feels happy but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I was taken back but accepted him leaving me with grace. When he told me we'll stay friends I thought he was just saying that but he turns out he actually meant it. My problem is I still love him and deep down I hope we'll get back together but I'm not willing to cling to false hope and want to move on. I'm finding this hard to do because he keeps texting me. How do I execute the No Contact rule without being rude and not reply when he contacts me. The breakup was amicable and I know part of the reason he keeps contacting me is to make sure I'm okay so I really don't want to be rude. If it makes a difference I'm he's in his mid-20's and I just turned 30 and we were together for less than two months and this is our second breakup the first one was nasty but we missed each other and both made effort to communicate better but I guess the damage was done already.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and hopefully you can be friends when you are ready. It won't be rude.

      Reply
    • Zandi

      Thanks Kevin. I told him and he was shocked he asked me if I was sure if this is the right option and when I said yes, he then told me he respects my decision.

      My last question to you (I promise :) ) is: what is it really that men want from a relationship? He obviously has respect and consideration for me and from what he told me (ref. initial question) what do you speculate as the reason he wouldn't want a relationship with me? I would think those very things would make him want a relationship or could be because I'm older than him?

      Ps: he had also told me he believes me but doesn't trust me.
      I know since we are on good terms I could ask him but I'm too embarrassed - there's something pathetic and desperate about asking someone "why don't you want/love me?"

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Zandi,

      It's hard to say why he broke up with you. It could be because of the age difference. It could be because he lost attraction. Or perhaps he has some commitment/trust issues. Everyone is different. So it's hard to pinpoint what really caused the breakup for him.

      And you know what, even if you gather the courage to ask someone that, you probably won't get the truth.

      Reply
    • Zandi

      Hi Kevin

      I'm breaking my promise :p. So I broke the NC rule last week (after 9 days). I missed him and felt a need to chat with him. I also felt strong enough to deal with him.

      I've come to terms with the breakup and actually feel happy and strong. I've followed your advise. This whole month I've been focused on my life and my goals for this year are bearing fruit which is something that has also been keeping me happy. I changed my hair and even tweezed my brows (which I never did before). Since I've been focusing on me I hardly think of my ex and was pleasantly surprised to hear from him last night. (Although I broke the NC last week, I didn't contact him this whole week.)

      He shocked me by telling me he misses me. I found it hard to say the words back to him because truth be told I've been too busy to miss him or think about him so I confessed I didn't know what to say to that. He said that's okay I don't need to say anything then nervously asked me to his birthday party this coming weekend. I agreed and asked if I could bring a friend. He asked if it was a male or female, I said female and he said okay. Found out today that none of my friends are available so I'll be going alone.

      Question time:
      1) It'll be my first time meeting his friends, save for his two best friends, and I have a reserved personality so:
      -do you have tips on how to handle the party now that I'll be going alone
      2)Should I buy him a gift? One of my friends suggested I go to the party first and suss out the vibe between us then buy a belated gift based on that.
      3)How should I dress? At the risk of sounding narcisstic, I'm often described as hot and sexy (even tough I'm in jeans and flats like all the time). Plus everyone always remarks about my "bedroom" eyes and "naughty" smile. My ex used to call me damn beautiful. When I enter a room men do stare and women often pull their men closer. It'll be my first experience with his friends and I don't want the women to be envious of me but at the same time I do want him to take his breath away so:
      -should my outfit maximize the "hotness/sexiness" regardless of how the women may react or should I down play it? (I have a perfect hour-glass figure so sexy is easy to achieve for me.

      Reply
  • Dominik

    Hey!

    I had a relationship for 3.5 years. A beautiful one. my girlriend and I were on distance. We would see eaach other every 3 months, and spend 4-5 days together, sometimes even more. we had a great relationship, never fight, pure love, respect, longing, something really beautiful. we re both 26. 2 months ago she got a new college. he was fun, and seducing her from the start. she fell on his charm. and was slightly starting to cool off from me, and she told me when we saw alive that she wants to break up with me beacuse everything is as it was great in her head and towards me as a person but her feeling somehow shuted down for me in the last month. she did not have the strenght to admit she got inloved in a new guy. now she publicly showed it on Facebook. i found strength to be a gentleman to the end, finished our contact, all though she wanted friendhsip. i am in no contact for almost 2 weeks. this guy and here will (even if they stand 3 months) have to go to distance because she Works on the sea and he too, and they will each other return to their homes in the winter. i am broken, but i Know she i s not that bad person, i had similar tests in 3.5 years but i was able to stay faithfull. this guy will just play around with her, and i am sure she ll compare us and see i am bettter. i have a great friend i am movin on with his help , he adviced me no contact, and i want to be reaady to be without her. also even if she wants to be with me i want to put her on test because after this happened it has to be tested. if she can have me back just like taht, then i am wrong. i need someadvices for what to do after no contact. i am not seeing here pictures not Know anything about her. how long can this romance last? what if she is teh love of my life? and most importanly how much does she thinks about me all this time? especiall when this guy is not like to here as i was? they work in the same shift in teh same room for 8 hours plus spend time privately. so they ll get overdosed from it sooner or later. i need some good tips. hit me

    :)

    Reply
  • Really Trying

    I'm 18. He's 21. We were together a month and a half.

    Eleven days into No Contact and he is texting me. First message, sent yesterday, was an apology for the circumstances of the breakup (but no indication he wants to rekindle things). I didn't respond. Second message, sent today, he said, "Did I make it worse? :/"

    I still need time away from him. But because the messages came somewhat frequently, I am considering responding with the "I just need more time alone" bit. Just wondering: How do I tell him -- through a call or a text message? I'm guessing text, but want to be sure.

    Thanks.

    Reply
  • Maryanne

    Just wondering how long it normally takes to get an answer ? Thanksx

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Maryanne,

      Sorry but I can't find your comment. It probably didn't meet the guidelines. Do you mind posting again? Please read the comment guidelines before posting.

      Reply
    • Maryanne

      Hi Kevin , its very long and complicated , I've been married 18 years with three girls, we have been sepersted for two years but never out if contact and in the last year more and more so including intimately , my husband has pursued my with contant declarations of undying love and desire to be together again , he has been working in another city he said he had had one night stands out if loneliness, it didn't hurt me that much as I never doubted his live for me, I thought by now we would be back together, two months ago he got mad at me picked up a girl off tinder and two weeks later said he was totally over me had no desire to ever be with me again and was totally in love with her, this is the first relationship he has had , she literally moved into his hotel told him she is madly in live with him and will never leave him, she is my opposite even he admitted not prettier than me but fifteen years younger than I
      A week ago we spent four days away with the girls, there was a lot of sex affection arguments and lots of tears from him , he lied to her about being there with me, he cheated on her with me , he also texted with her and got very cold everytime he did, she was stalking my social media wanting to know why I was posting pictures of the holiday he was on with his kids... So is he over me? Does he still love me? Can I get him back?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      He is definitely not over you and he probably still loves you. That new girl is just a phase and it'll hopefully pass with time. It's important that you don't sleep with him while he is with her. And you should apply no contact as well (how to handle no contact with kids is written in the above article). I think you have a fairly good chance of getting him back. But of course, you should make yourself mentally prepared for the worst during no contact.

      Reply
    • Maryanne

      Thank you Kevin, he went round telling all my family and his that he is totally over me and yet acted in a completely conflicted "not over you" manner around me privately you know that classic Shakespeare line " he doth protest too much" that's how it makes me feel. Such as the multiple text I have received tonight prior to me seeing him this weekend which all pertain to a kiss I sent where he goes on to suggest I think something is going to happen, my reply was maybe it means nothing maybe it means your loss , clearly my flippancy was aggravating him but at this point I feel I am worth a hundred of her so I will not chase him , it will be the opposite to what he is expecting and getting three am texts from him after he ignores my calls tells me he is not in a happy place despite all his constant declarations of love for her , which is just cruel baiting isn't it? , I get text with kisses from him then others saying don't call me honey .. Apparently there are two of him and I only want one of them .. Tonight in reply to the barrage of texts insinuating I think something will happen this weekend I just said " I'm in a good mood go away" not nice but not pathetic, I will not hang around tomorrow night I will leave , he will expect me to want to stay , should I tell him that I want to stay with him but not till he asks me then leave ?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No, don't tell him that. Just let him know that you will not be with him as long as he is with the other girl. Set boundaries. Tell him you need time to deal with the breakup and till then you can only talk to him on topics related to the kids and nothing personal.

      Reply
    • Maryanne

      Oh well it seemed like it was all going well till he started acting like I stank or have a disease pushed me away from him, I guess I didn't handle the rejection so well I just walked out , it caused a big fuss he sent me lots of messages about me ruining everything swearing at me saying how he's not with me and so on . So I guess no contact won't be hard as I feel like I've made such a mess that he will never want to speak to me . Oh dear I'm afraid I am too open hearted and struggle to hide how I feel . I guess people who can play games do better at this than someone like me ..

      Reply
    • Maryanne

      Hi Kevin I have tried to keep contact to a minimum I do find it hard as at least most days I will get a "have a great day xxx" or hi x then possibly something like a conversation about me being an amazing cook via email because I posted something on Instagram I cooked, he sent me a message about not wanting to see me if I was being pushy or upset I replied define upset ,since as long as my husband who I love dearly is with someone else and not in live with me there will be a level of " upset" therefore I suggested I would rather cease all further contact and mourn the loss of my true love , to this he said " I never said I didn't live you but I love another " and that he wants to see me but if he touches me or holds my hand he will feel uncomfortable because he will feel like he's cheating ...and yet we stood in the middle of a crowded park on Sunday and he suddenly held me for an extended embrace .. Then later asked me to move out of photos he was taking ... I do believe he will drive me mad with confusion
      So my questions are is he missing me or sorry for me? When he keeps texting .. And is he uncomfortable because he wants me back as well as feeling guilty .. Ironic really because I'm the wife so I'm being cheated on not her.. You would think after 21 years I could read him but I fear I want texts with xxx to mean everything but they may easily just be pity . I will have to deliver girls again this weekend part of me wants to deliver them looking totally fabulous again the other part wants to stop at a distance and send them on their own and turn away and refuse to come near .. Which will have more impact ? How on earth do I make this other girl loose significance ??

      Reply
    • Christopher

      Kevin can you pretty please help me out with my situation. I have learned a lot from subscription to your Web site. I will not go into my entire story because it will take to long. But me and my gf broke up. She broke up with me. She said I hurt her so bad, she had a lot of jealous issues with other people talking to me. Anyways I was hospitalized and having a procedure done, called a picc line for special antibiotics because I am extremely sick. She was not allowed to come in and seen other nurses talking with me during the procedure. She came into the room afterwards and said it's over Chris you can have your nurse. Unbelievable and ddistressing I did not ever in my life think she would leave me in the hospital. Long story short I almost died in the hospital because loss of blood. We have broken up about 16 days now. I am still recovering from a horror surgeries but I'm strong and positive. Well I was doing research and come to your site and I have been trying the no contact rule. I didn't contact her for 5 days but then I screwed up. I sent her one message saying baby I'm still inlove with you and I know you are inlove with me too. ". She replied with the following exact words . I never denied that and I know too that if it took me 5 yrs. to open my heart again, this time will be longer or maybe never again. I'm so hurt by you that I'm not even worry to think about it "I thought that was a positive response, so like an idiot I responded back saying,"I'm sorry I hurt you and I would love to be forgiven and we are true love. I will text you later. So what do I do now? She didn't respond no more and I didn't text or call her starting today for 1day. Did I screw up the NC? I only said I still love her. Do you think her response was positive reply or am I wrong? I don't know how to handle this bc I love her so much. I just don't know how she thinks I hurt her so bad. I'm confused about that. I was in pain when I was in that room getting a picc line. I'm not sure how her mind thinks. But what do you suggest to do to get her back?? Also my car is still at her place and all my clothes. She broke up with me in the hospital and I'm recovering in a nursery home for special antibiotics treatment. Can you tell me whst to do? And do you think I have a chance from her response up top I gave you??? Thank you kevin. I want to know if you think its too late or do i just do NC right again? Im thinking she replied because she still is inlove with me. Let me know your thoughts?.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should continue no contact and you definitely have a chance. I think whatever was going on, she must've been pretty stressed and emotionally unstable to leave you in that situation. And if that's true, giving both of you time and space is the best thing you can do.

      Reply
  • Darren

    Hi Kevin.
    Will try keep this as simple as possible. Me 33 and my partner 27 have been together for 7 years. We have a son of 6. In the last year we have grown apart. Mainly due to me being a typical man. Not listening, understanding, taking notice of her feelings and basically switching off to the family unit. I am aware of all this now but unfortunately its taken another man (her work colleague) in her life for me to realise. I appreciate I have messed up. I have been fighting for months to make it work and in the last 2 week we ended!
    We have a child and usually a great carry on but I feel I could have lost her forever. I really need some advise on this matter. Throughout the breakup, at times, I did become desperate although since the break I have mellowed. However, its the NC rule i'm struggling with. I need her to miss me but we have a child and will definitely see each other for the rest of our lives!
    I really want my family back
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Darren,

      I am sorry this happened to you. With a child in picture you have to keep minimum contact as written in the above article. And read the 5 step plan if you haven’t already.

      Reply
    • Darren

      Hi Kevin,
      Thank you for your response. I have read the entire website, very helpful (I do hope it works) and even registered to your emails. Thus far, again very helpful.
      I just have a couple of issues that id really appreciate your help with.
      Firstly, if I wanted to speed up the process of her and him finishing. Do I make life easy for her to see him or hard? The reason I ask is that she has asked me to look after our child, and I know that it is so she can see him. I'm kind of thinking if she couldn't be with him (or limited time with him) then she may think what's the point, yet on the other hand. Do I let her have the time so that she can soon realise he isn't for her?
      Secondly, she has asked me on a number of occasions, things like 'How are you?' Sometimes via text, or to my face. How do I respond should I not be expressing my feelings?
      Thank you in advance
      Darren

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Darren,

      If you try to make things hard for her, she is probably going to hold it against you and will think of you as immature and manipulative. So, I will recommend against that. Your answer to her questions should be upbeat and it shouldn't show that you are struggling. However, don't try to show her that the breakup doesn't matter to you at all and you've completely moved on. You want to give the impression you are making progress in your life and you are slowly moving on. Only talk about the positive things in your life and not the negative.

      Reply
    • Darren

      Thank you so much. I do wish I had your mobile number as I'd text you on the hour! ;)
      Need a tad more advice, sorry.
      The no contact does not seem to work but I think we could be making slight progress.
      She called me last night with uncontrollable crying, in short its because I haven't been texting her back (clearly works and just after 2 days!). Again we have a child so it makes it very difficult, we also share a car too! I know I'm not making this easy. The great news is, is that she hasn't seen this guy but they have spoken.
      I suppose what I'm asking is, I'm doing to NC when I can, but its proving difficult due to our situation and barely lasts a day and we will probably see each other 3 times a week due to the little one. I'm hitting the gym hard, eating well and at times have felt (only for a short while) that I'm in control of the situation.
      I need this girl and my family back in my life. But I'm scared that with minimal NC and the fact I see her several times a week (in short, being there too much) that I may push her away and bring back her bad memories of us.
      Please Kevin, tell me the right thing to do.
      Darren

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hi Kevin my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. Determined to not make more mistakes I did no contact right away. So after about 20 days she contacted me saying " hey how are you doing?" I did not answer. However the next day she contacted me again saying "Jason? So I didn't want to be rude and replied with I'm good and hope you are well too. Anyway that was 10 days ago and its been a little over month since the breakup. So my question is should I text her now or should I essentialy wait another 20 days to contact her. What do you think? Thanks Kevin

    Reply
  • singlegirl

    Thank u so much Kevin. Its been 80 days and I must say I have moved on. I feel confident and beautiful and stronger.
    We had been together 3 years but this NC rule helped me think what the relationship was. Full of so much pain, disrespect, tears and insecurity .
    I never ever want to get back or b friends with my ex tho he texted me yesterday.
    I dont hate him anymore. But I dont care either.
    This really helped. I'll always b grateful for this article

    Reply
  • Anxious

    Hello Kevin, the advice that you provided has been very helpful and rational. So thank you for posting this up.

    My ex of 1 and a half years broke up with me over Facetime just over a week ago. We were in a somewhat long distance relationship I suppose (he lived an hour away in a different city) and both come from different backgrounds with different customs. We both didn't mind the differences but I guess it got to him after. We had an argument which lead to the break up that was pertaining to why he didn't sound happy with me lately when we were talking. I've applied the no contact rule and am currently waiting to see if he will reply. I'm, however, scared that he may be trying so hard to forget about me that he actually will. He's deleted every account he has, removed all of our photos, telling me to not contact his family and remove his family on fb, change my relationship status, etc. Aside from this, he is a shy and introverted person who is stubborn and too proud. I don't know if these characteristics and qualities about him might get in the way of him maybe contacting me. I'm at the stage where I don't even know what to do. It's very hard to move on from such a break up when I haven't had proper closure.

    What would you recommend doing?

    Reply
  • Sherly

    Hi, I'm on my 4th day of NO-CONTACT rule. I've learned that giving an ultimatum to your ex during break-up is a big no-no and I should make an apologies to him. So did I. Is this considering breaking the NO Contact rule?

    Reply
  • Run

    Hi Kevin & everyone, I'm 27 and my ex bf is 31.We were together for 5 years.He dumped me once in 2012.I begged,cried etc for a couple of month. I then went NC for a month,didn't hear a thing from him either, then outta the blue, he contacted me,apologized etc and not long after we got back together.

    Almost 3 weeks ago he dumped me again. Emailed me he loves me etc but just want to keep in contact via email.I disagreed and he said don't worry he's not going to try, move on & he doesn't love me anymore.I found out within the 1st week,he contacted a long lost female friend and has been talking to her heaps everyday.He said he felt happy talking to her.

    He deleted all my pics etc,but still email or text me once everyday briefly ie 'gday hope you are well'. The female friend told me that he wants to concentrate on his life,work etc n not interested in any relationship but want to stay friend with me.He's not interested in it anymore.I suggested to try get to know each other again,but he said it will not make any difference.He just want to go with the flow and let things happen naturally.What does he actually mean?

    Why does he only email me briefly asking how am i doing and no signs of wanting to have more proper conversation? Should I stay No contact or Limited contact? I feel devasted because he could spend hours everyday sharing everything with her. I've been calm and cool with the breakup and didn't initiate contacts etc but he still is distant and doesn't miss me. Is there no chance in gettin him back? No cheating were involved basically he felt unhappy too much fights because of my insecuties and controlling issues.Thanks heaps.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should do no contact. Don't worry about the other female. He probably feels good talking to her because of the novelty. Even if something develops with her, it'll be a rebound. There's a chance. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Run

      Hi Kevin, Thanks for your reply. I snooped into his email the other day(like a crazy ex,i know it was wrong, and regretted it) and found that he's been exchanging emails with a girl. I was shocked to see that they were talking about doing sexual stuff together.

      How could in less than a month of breaking up, he is already doing such things? Does it mean he has moved on completely? I feel used for 5years. He doesn't even seem to mourn or grief.

      I've started doing No Contact for a week now. When he noticed I didn't respond he started to send messages saying 'am i wasting my effort and time to be friendly and stay in contact?'
      'do i have to stop contacting you and erase you from my life altogether because it's rude to not reply at all'

      What confuse me is that he doesn't want to have decent conversation, just a small gday here and there.

      I feel quite devastated and upset to see that he's already out there for sex. Never seem like he was a player for the past 5years.

      Reply
  • G

    Hi...

    I'm in an awkward situation. I started the NC rule about two weeks ago when I found my gf had lied to me. I saw her with her ex fiance.

    I started the no contact rule to move on, but she won't leave me alone. Yesterday she came to my house and had to open up about what happened. We are 30 and 27 years old by the way. I'm not sure whether I should believe her story. She says that he is very close with her family and they communicate with him a lot because they want her to be with him, but she wants to be with me. Apparantly he told them that I am bad news to keep her from seeing me. She is asking that I understand her situation and that she wants to be with me but she needs to figure out how to keep her family from abandoning her.

    I was going strong for two weeks without any contact and now that she opened up she is continuing to contact me begging me to understand. I was the one who ended it two weeks ago.

    Is now a good time to start the no contact rule again? Is it even applicable in this situation? I'm not sure whether I believe this story because I caught her lying about having contact with him.

    Thank You

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey G,

      If you want to be with her, you shouldn't apply no contact at all. You can tell her to give you some space and take some time for herself to figure things out. But don't do strict no contact. Try to minimize contact with her during that time and end it once she has figured things out.

      Reply
    • G

      She left for a month vacation to visit her sibling. She is using this as time to get away and figure it out. I told her I would appreciate my space and time for myself. It's been a week with no contact and now she started calling and texting significantly. You mentioned to mimimize contact, but what kind of conversations should I be having at this point?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, don't have any conversations. She is the one calling and texting you. So just answer her and talk to her about whatever she wants to talk about. Just don't show any signs of neediness.

      Reply
    • Louise

      I was with my ex for a year, I broke up with him in march after he had some issues.Then a month or so lately he got back in touch we met up after lots of friendly texting.we had a good time and I realised I had missed him and still cared. Then a week after he went cold and said he wanted to be alone.i just couldn‘t understand it.but then a friend of his told me he had started seeing someone, which he denied and said I was crazy. I also found out he cheated in our relationship. I haven‘t spoken to him in a month now. He even gave the other woman my number and she rang me to warn me against asking questions about her. I feel so hurt, betrayed... Yet I still miss him and want him back..I thought he was a good genuine person but I feel like I never knew him. I just can‘t get my head around things, and why did he come back just to discard me? He hasn't contacted me and it's been a month. Is there anything I can do? I'm not sure if I should contact him and pride is stopping me.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hy Louise,

      You say you want him back and then you say that you have realized that he is not the good genuine person you thought he was. My question is, why would you want to be with a bad dishonest person? My guess is you are feeling rejected or perhaps used by him and you think getting back together is going to make you feel better. I'll recommend you do NC for at least two months before you make the decision of getting back with him.

      Reply
  • Eric

    I'm thinking about implementing NC but right now doesn't seem to be the right time. You see, my ex is about to undergo surgery next week and I am worried about her outcome. Should I let her know I'll be praying for her and stick to only that, even if I am going to implement NC? The last thing I would want is for her to reflect on this and see that I "wasn't there" when she needed it.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think it's OK to wish her best for the surgery and asking for the result. But keep it related to the surgery and don't get emotional.

      Reply
  • John

    Kevin, thank you for the info. My ex an I broke up almost a month ago. During that time we've had some contact, but I'm going to be switching to no contact as it hasn't helped the one or two times I've poured my heart out to her. I think a lot of it just boils down to her not being ready. However, one thing that makes this situation complicated is that we work together. We don't work in the same department, but we do work in the same building. How do you think it's best to approach no contact since we will inevitably bump into each other, and do you think I have a shot at getting her back?

    Reply
  • Philippa

    Hey Kevin,

    Your advice is really helpful but I am finding it difficult to follow. I finally wrote my ex one last time today (kept messaging him every two weeks). I've decided not to contact him again until September and even kept a tally chart to help me with that. Relationships get so complicated.

    Reply
  • Kay

    So I'm reading these articles and they are by far the most informative pieces on this topic...and a bit comical too, so I'm like who is this guy? 'Kevin' the name of the ex that I'm going through this for.

    Reply
  • YoYo

    Hey Kevin,

    Thanks again, you have helped me a tremendous amount. I don’t think giving her an ultimatum would be wise in this situation judging from her previous actions. I found out from a loud-mouthed friend that she was very sad and upset that I’ve been ignoring her and blocking her ever since she dropped off my stuff. I found out that she purposely didn’t give me one of my things as well. She even always asks my friend to see my profile, or Instagram. I know this is all good news in my favor for getting her back and all, I just don’t know what to text her. I want to text her tomorrow, nothing about missing her, or relationship related. Just something saying I don’t hate her and the space is important, so she can understand why I am doing it. I am open to hanging out, and being my confident and funny self , but I would never act desperate or needy again. I’d remind her how awesome I am, and independent, and cool without her, etc. as mentioned in your 5 step plan. How should I go about texting her though? I am stuck on that, and would really appreciate your advice on that end. I can’t thank you enough!

    Reply
  • Dave

    Hey, some advice would be helpful.
    My wife and I have recently separated and we have 2 teenagers. She works out of town for two weeks then home for a week then gone again. We live together when she is home and was wondering if you have some insite into how to do this no contact when she returns considering we have kids and live in the same house. Its not a problem when she is gone but when she returns is my issue

    Reply
  • Kat

    Broke up with my ex about 6 weeks ago, had no contact for 2 weeks now.. I know in 2 months from now we're probably both going to be invited to a mutual friend's birthday party. I know thats more than 30 days away but I think I might need a bit more time to recover from the breakup.. Is the birthday party a good opportunity to get the first contact again, and how should I approach him in that kind of situation? Or should I start texting him before the party?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Start texting him before the party. If he is warm, then hang out with him at the party and have a good time with him. If he's cold, then treat him like an acquaintance at the party.

      Reply
  • liah

    hi again,

    maybe you're right. i think i'll give myself about 6 more months. i still need to change and be ready. I need to be more confident. But i have a huge problem. a few weeks ago, i have been sending some messages to his other facebook account (which he never opens by the way). that is the reason why i keep on sending all my thoughts and feelings for him on that account is because i know that he will never check it. then suddenly to my surprise, i saw that he opened the account and read my messages. all the things i feel and all my thoughts were in those messages. i;m afraid because of that, i blew my chances of getting him back. he never replied and he never texted me. i then texted him saying sorry because those messagaes were not meant to be read by him and i thought he would never open that fb account. i never received a reply. =( you think i still have a chance? what should i do then? =( help me please. i realy love this guy.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Liah,

      A word of advice. Next time, use a diary. You know a part of you knew that there's a small chance he will read it. And that part was hoping that when he reads it, he will get affected and perhaps want to get back together. But it didn't work the way that part hoped. That's the part that makes people needy and desperate after the breakup. You were able to control your actions, but that part somehow managed to make you look needy once again.

      It definitely was a step backwards. But, it didn't really destroy your chances completely. I think you should do a few months NC to repair the damage.

      Reply
  • YoYo

    Hey Kevin,

    This is adding onto my previous comment from a couple days ago that you responded to. My ex girlfriend came into my work yesterday, after 23 days of No Contact and gave me some of my stuff (she forgot one thing, not sure if intentional or not). She also said she wasn't leaving until we talked. She kept asking me why I blocked her on social media and why I'm ignoring her and I said "I think that the space is important for us now" and she said "we can just be friends, I feel fine, what's the problem?" The whole time she kept saying she is "fine" and "great" when she is clearly not. She was nervous and lying about being happy. Remember, she said a few weeks ago that she didn't care if I talked to a girl so me and her so could stay friends, which was a complete lie? Well, she said "Do you not want to talk to me because you're seeing someone?" to which I replied "I think we just need space", which left her very confused and mad because she thinks I am seeing someone, when she had originally said she wanted me to move on. She kept reiterating that she feels great, when she was obviously lying to make herself feel fine and I said "I feel great, I've been very happy lately." She ended up saying bye after and pushed the door open very angrily. She texted me after saying "Sorry for coming in and forcing you to see me, hope it wasn't too horrible. At least you got your sweater back, that's all that matters apparently" and I feel like she doesn't understand my side at all. I never responded. I think I need to text her back, because I don't want her hating me. Her mom told me she took our picture off the wall, and she has all these major mood swings now. I know she was lying when saying she is fine, and I know she wants to know if I'm seeing someone, but I still don't know what she wants. What should I respond to her though? I don't know if I can be friends with her yet, or even see her yet. She has been very avid about seeing me and staying in contact with me. I want her back, but I don't want her to take advantage of my feelings at all. I do feel much more confident though.

    Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Let her go through her mood swings and let her learn to deal with her emotions. She is immature and you are not responsible to give her emotional support. At least, not after she broke up with you. If you want, you can give her an option right now. Either get back together, or give you time and space to move on. Tell her calmly, that if she wants to breakup, she should be willing to give you some time and space to move on. If she doesn't want you to move on, she should get back together.

      Reply
    • YoYo

      Hey Kevin,

      Thanks again, you have helped me a tremendous amount. I don't think giving her an ultimatum would be wise in this situation judging from her previous actions. I found out from a loud-mouthed friend that she was very sad and upset that I've been ignoring her and blocking her ever since she dropped off my stuff. I found out that she purposely didn't give me one of my things as well. She even always asks my friend to see my profile, or Instagram. I know this is all good news in my favor for getting her back and all, I just don't know what to text her. I want to text her tomorrow, nothing about missing her, or relationship related. Just something saying I don't hate her and the space is important, so she can understand why I am doing it. I am open to hanging out, and being my confident and funny self , but I would never act desperate or needy again. I'd remind her how awesome I am, and independent, and cool without her, etc. as mentioned in your 5 step plan. How should I go about texting her though? I am stuck on that, and would really appreciate your advice on that end. I can't thank you enough!

      Reply
  • Jill

    Toward the end, I felt we had grown more distant with each other but didn't know how to close that gap. To be clear, we had an amazing relationship-open, honest, giving, caring, loving. We lived together. But when the distance started, he turned to other female friends or fill the gap. He did not go and see them, but instead started texting them. One, in particular wad inappropriate. I felt like it was cheating. He did not share my views. I asked him to stop. He thought I was trying to tell him who he could be friends with.

    A few weeks ago, he posted on his FB wall: "I always seem to pick the wrong women and am single again," to which about 20 women came out to lend a shoulder. Two in particular, he had private text messages with. When I found that out, he was sleeping in my bed. It was about 1:30am. I woke him up and asked him to pack his bags and move out. He had a house of his own that he never gave up even though we were living together in every sense.

    We spent the next two days and nights together talking about things. I thought we could work it out and get back on track. After the second night, he posted in his FB wall that he met the "woman of his dreams....and old high school chum he had not seen with in years." I was devastated. For the next week, I did all the wrong things. You've described most in your articles. This was about three weeks ago now. Two weeks after we ended, there appeared a new FB update: In a relationship.

    I then decided to do the no contact. That hasn't gone too well because In the past week, he has sent me Snapchats. In then, he has complimented me. But worse, he told me that he loved me. I do not understand the point of those messages because he is still with that other woman. The problem, Kevin, is that I do love him. My family-parents and children- love him, and we talked about a life together and getting married.

    I feel like this woman is a rebound, but I do not know. All I know is that it is hard to give up on something that was once so beautiful and the promise of that future.

    Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
    Jill

    Reply
  • shaquana

    Ok my bf and I broke up last Sunday, we have a kid together he broke up with me because. He says I constantly nag alot and I'm always constantly calling his phone,, its to the point when he turns off his phone because he doesn't wanna be bothered by me, it makes me sad I nag because I want his attention and I want him to listen to me but of course he refuses, he tells me that I'm only dogging my hole deeper, he doesn't care what I have to say to him he totally cut everything off between us,, I so desperately want him back let alone our family,, I always express my feelings to him he doesn't care at all, he calls me a bunch of mean names ,, smh, I asked him was it someone else he never told me yes or no he only said why does it matter , why are you so focused on me when you should be worried about yourself,, he simply says leave me alone I hate you ,, smh I try to stop calling but idk what to do its not working because I find myself calling him every freakin day nonstop nonstop one time I put myself up to the challenge and tried not to call him for 24 hrs of course that didn't work, at all I ended up calling him, idk if I should wait until he calls me or what,, smh what can I do any advice I desperately want our family back together as one again

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      The only solution to your problem is that you apply no contact. Sorry, but nothing is going to work unless you apply NC.

      Reply
  • Courtney

    Hey Kevin. So me and my boyfriend were dating for bout 1 year n 6 mo, now recently we broke up, unfortunately it was my fault. Lately he wasnt giving me the attention I wanted and always leaving to go hang out with his friends, now I was really stressing because I didnt know if he was cheating or what was goin on. So I needed to vent and talk to someone because he wasnt around much so I couldn't talk to him, so I told one of my friends and she said her and her guy were going through something similar so she was just talking to guys on an app, she ended up convincing me so I tried it. I was talking to a guy. I wasnt looking to cheat or anything I think I was just looking for attention, so my boyfriend found out about it the very next day and said he was done and said I was cheating but I only talked to one guy and I wasnt trying to meet up with him, I tried to talk to him and as you said not to do I did. I begged and cried but nothing, I havent been able to sleep nor eat im so streesed I just want him back, also we do live together. Im thinking bout goin to my moms for a bit and give him his space to see if we can work it out again. Please help

    Reply
  • YoYo

    Hey Kevin,

    I am 22 and my ex girlfriend is 20 years old. We went out for almost 2 years and ended in late March this year. We ended because we kept getting into dumb little fights. She eventually “didn’t feel the same as she used to” because of all these fights. We kissed a lot less, and were rarely intimate. We stopped clicking and this eventually led to a small break and we broke up directly after. We never even had a real break because after a day or two she would start talking to me. Everytime I tried to stay on break she called me stubborn by not responding.

    After the break up, I stopped responding to a lot of her texts and I eventually got responses out of her basically showing that she likes me still and cares for me. We hung out a couple times, and flirted a bit. I never got intimate these times though, only a couple kisses on the cheek, even though I went in for kisses on the lips. Keep in mind she wouldn’t do this to an ex for no reason. She also put on her best effort to look the best she could. She ditched studying for finals to hang out with me and grab dinner and dessert, but claims that she wasn’t flirting. She also started many texts with mutual friends talking about me and using my name in flirtacious ways by saying “he misses me” or “tell him to stop thinking about loving me” and constantly sending funny pics of me back and forth. My friends, and I all thought she definitely wanted me back with all these texts by constantly bringing up my name in the conversations.

    Eventually, she was being hot and cold. When I texted her, she was being rude for no reason, but whenever my friends and her talked about me she was always using my name in happy flirty ways. We ended up having a huge conversation via text three weeks ago and the whole time she says things like “I want to be friends” and then later on in the text say “but this doesn’t mean we won’t get back together” and she keeps doing this. She constantly states that she wants me as a friend, but also misses me as a boyfriend. Later on in the convo, it got to the point where I got tired of her antics and said I won’t be her friend anymore, and I can’t deal with her changing her mind everyday and always flirting and she then said “you can talk to any girl you want to, I won’t care” which is a complete lie because whenever I go out to eat she asks me “who did you go with?” as if I’m with a girl or on a date. Shortly after, I tested her statement and posted a picture with a girl when I was out to eat and she messaged my friend asking him “who is that girl? Tell me all about it. Who is she?” etc. and it’s funny because she encouraged me to move on but now she is being a hypocrite.

    Since the conversation, I have been in no contact for 22 days and have not looked at her social media at all. She has tried texting me on four different occasions, and has even called me. She has also asked my friends about me and is trying to find ways to get into contact with me. Last week she even told my friend that “I just want him to be nice with me, hang out with me, be my friend. And who knows what will happen.” Here we go again with her saying she wants to be my friend, but then possibly getting back later on. She also keeps asking my friend if I talk about her, or brings up the girl who she thinks I am seeing. This is how she has been. By the way, I am not dating anyone else. I have no problem being in No Contact and never have any urges to look at her page, but I just don’t know how to go about it. I also blocked her on everything, but I know she still stalks me.

    One last thing, we have concert tickets together, and the concert is in August. Whenever we get into a misunderstanding she brings those up. I own both the tickets. It seems as if she does this because it’s our last real tie together. She always asks my friend if I’m taking someone else or if I sold the tickets. She even told my friend to buy the ticket from me, not sure why. I know she is