So, you have almost finished the no contact rule and you still want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend back.

It was hard at first. But somehow you managed to go 2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days or several months without contacting your ex.

You have even taken steps to improve yourself and become a better version of you. You are wondering what you should do after no contact because you still want your ex back and you really don’t want to lose him or her.

Congratulations! You have made it through one of the hardest phases of getting your ex girlfriend or your ex boyfriend back. Unfortunately, the part up ahead can be just as hard, if not harder.

Want to understand the bigger picture?

Read our in-depth Guides. They are both free and extremely popular on the internet.

How to Win Your Ex Girlfriend Back
or
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

You need to have the right attitude going forward. You should have the right skills and tools at your disposal. And most importantly, you should have a plan.

In this article, I am going to list out 5 essential things you must do after no contact. I say essential because it’s very important you do them if you want your ex back permanently and you don’t want to lose them for good.

Why is it so important what you do after no contact is over?

What happens immediately after a breakup is usually a reaction. A reaction that comes out of instincts, neediness, desperation, immaturity or sometimes a power struggle.

But once you are done with no contact, things have settled down. What you do after no contact is important because this is the time when everything and everyone will show their true face.

What you do right now can either help you both get back together and end up in a great relationship. Or it can confirm that breaking up was the right decision.

To be honest, there is no way to know for sure what will happen in the future.

But if you play your cards right, make the right moves at the right time, you can increase the chances of ending up in a new and awesome relationship with your ex instead of losing him or her forever.

Alright, now that we have established how important it is what you do after no contact, let’s begin.

Essential #1: Have the Right Mindset

Having the right mindset is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of getting your ex back. And it’s something that almost everyone overlooks. I know because I have gone through thousands of cases of people trying to get back together.

So, if your instinct is to scroll down and move on to the second part of this article; think again. Having the right mindset is important. And if you don’t get this right, I can almost guarantee you will not succeed in getting your ex back and keeping him or her permanently.

OK Kevin, what’s the right mindset for getting your ex back?

When it comes to love, there are two types of people in the world. People with the scarcity mindset. And people with the abundance mindset.

If you have a scarcity mindset. You are always afraid of losing what you have because you believe there is not enough of it. You believe if you lose your loved ones, you will never find love again. You feel the same way about happiness. About wealth, and even about your health.

This is why people with the scarcity mindset always take action out of fear. Out of fear of losing the person they love.

Fear, is the greatest relationship killer of all time. The second relationship killers (Facebook and social media) are far behind it. Fear has so many titles under it’s belt; no one can even come close to challenging it. Here are some of the titles Fear displays in its hall of fame

  • Destroying relationships through insecurity
  • Destroying relationships through jealousy
  • Destroying relationships through anger
  • Destroying relationships through heated arguments and miscommunication
  • Destroying relationships through neediness and desperation

fear vs love
I digress.

The point is, fear kills relationships. And if it’s something that destroys relationships, it’s certainly not something that will help you reconcile and start a healthy relationship with your ex.

This is why you must adopt the abundance mindset.

People who have the abundance mindset believe there is unlimited love and happiness in the world. They are not afraid to run out of love and happiness because they know that there is more waiting right around the corner.

Wait, are these the type of people who go around breaking everyone’s heart because they are always looking for new people to love?

The answer is no. In fact, people like that are also acting out of fear. But talking about that will make me digress again. So, let’s get back to the topic.

People with abundance mindset are not afraid of losing their loved ones because they know they can always find love again. They are not afraid of being sad or hurt because they know they can find happiness again.

They don’t want to lose their loved ones. They don’t want to go through a heartbreak and the pain that comes with grief. No one wants that.

But the key difference between people with abundance mindset and scarcity mindset is the fact that they don’t act out of fear.

Instead, they act out of love, honesty and understanding. When you take fear out of the equation, it gets kind of easy to start and maintain a healthy relationship with a person of your choice.

When you are going to end no contact, you must be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for everything that might happen. And you mustn’t let fear dictate your actions and behavior.

For example, suppose you reach out to your ex via text. You get a negative response or you don’t receive a reply from your ex. At this point, you must make a choice and figure out your next course of action. The choice you make will depend on your mindset.

  • Scarcity Mindset: Your mind panics and you start trying to figure out what it means. You are scared that your ex has moved on completely and you feel sick to your stomach. Your mind races constantly trying to figure out what you should do because you are terrified of losing your ex forever. You panic more and you text them again. You somehow manage to control yourself for another 5 hours and you can’t take it anymore. You call your ex only to find out they are not picking up your calls either.
  • Abundance Mindset: You still panic. After all, the thought of losing your ex forever is scary. But you decide to not let this panicked state of mind dictate your actions. You refuse to let fear control your life. Instead, you decide to stick to your plan. If your ex doesn’t reply or give you a negative reply, you just give them more space. You do no contact again for a couple of weeks before trying again. And you remind yourself that there was always a chance this might happen and it’s still OK. You are still going to be fine and you are still going to find the love happiness you deserve.

See how different mindset leads to different reactions?

Having an abundance mindset does not necessarily mean you will stop feeling all those crazy emotions that have been programmed into your brain (your instincts). It means to feel those emotions and still decide to not let them control your actions.

Having the right mindset will help you in every step of the way. A lot of times, you will have to choose between

  1. Reacting out of fear; or
  2. Being honest, communicate effectively and show love.

I recommend you show love.

By the way, did I tell you about the all time champion duo of keeping a relationship alive, healthy and thriving?

honesty and communications

Fear doesn’t stand a chance against honesty and communication.

Checklist:

  • Ask yourself, are you emotionally and mentally ready to contact your ex?
  • Have you accepted that there are endless possibilities to find love and happiness in this world?
  • Do you think that you can love someone other than your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you are not yet ready to end no contact.

Essential #2 Have the Right Tools and Skills

You may have the right mindset, but it’s not always enough to get your ex back. After all, you and your ex broke up for a reason. Something in your relationship was broken and you need to have the right tools and skills to fix it.

Your old relationship is dead. If you and your ex get back together, it’s going to be a new relationship. But there is a good chance the old issues you had in the relationship will rise again. And this is one of the biggest hurdle your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend has in their mind.

“We always fought. If we get back together, things will be fine for a while and then we will fight again.”

“I loved my ex. But I did not feel the same way about him/her during the end of the relationship. I guess I just don’t find them attractive anymore.”

“I just don’t think I connect with my ex anymore. It’s like we are different people.”

All these doubts in your ex’s mind can be tackled if you have the right tools and skills to SHOW them things will be different this time. It’s important that you show them that you are capable of making changes instead of just telling them that you can.

This is why you need the right skills and tools when you are tackling these doubts.growth mindset vs fixed mindset

Here are some of the examples of tools and skills that usually make or break a relationship.

Communication

It’s an essential skill that everyone should have. Every couple argues. But the difference between couples who thrive and couples who fall apart is effective communication. If you can learn how to communicate with your partner effectively, you can turn your new relationship with your ex into something beautiful.

How to communicate effectively in a relationship is beyond the scope of this article. But here are some resources that will help.

Non – Violent Communications by Marshall B. Rosenberg. – An excellent book on effective communications. I highly recommend this to all my clients. Seriously, reading this book will make you a pro at handling conflict.

–  Improving Communication Skills – An interesting article which teaches basics of effective communication.

Effective Communication during a conflict – An article that teaches how to communicate effectively during a conflict.

Of course, none of the above resources will teach you specifically how to communicate with your ex during conflict. I’ll soon release an in-depth article on that very soon. Meanwhile, check out my detailed guide on texting your ex.

Self Confidence

Being confident in yourself is one of the most attractive traits anyone can have. Think about it for a moment. Your ex is definitely attracted to you physically. If they weren’t; they would never have started a relationship with you in the first place. But a lot of people lose their confidence during the course of a relationship. They start displaying lack of confidence through insecurity, neediness or desperation. If your ex lost attraction to you during the course of your relationship, there’s a good chance it was due to lack of confidence.

Luckily, confidence can be rebuilt using the right tools and making changes in your life. One of the fastest way to do so is by getting therapy and accepting yourself. You can also choose to read some books on building your self confidence. Here’s one book that I recommend for building your self-esteem.

Having a solution for the logistics

A lot of times, couples break up due to circumstances. Sometimes, due to distance, due to lack of time, due to lack of efforts.

In most cases, your ex will not consider getting back with you unless the circumstances have changed or you can SHOW them a solution for the problem that the circumstances created.

For example, suppose your relationship with your ex deteriorated because you were too much focused on your new business venture and you didn’t have time to spend with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. If that’s the case, you must be able to SHOW your ex that you have learned to manage your time effectively and have set your priorities straight.

A simple way of showing them this is by using the extra time to do other activities that help you grow like going to the gym, pursuing a hobby, meeting a therapist etc. By showing them that you are spending time on things other than your business, you are showing them that circumstances and your priorities have changed and by extension, things will be different when you get back together.

Another common example is when a divorce is getting in the way of your new relationship. In this case, it will be ideal if you settle things with your ex wife or husband before ending no contact.

Checklist:

Before contacting your ex, you should have improved in at least two of the following:

  • Your Confidence Level
  • Your Communication Skills
  • Your Career
  • Your Time Management Skills
  • Your Passion

Essential #3 Make the first Move After No Contact

No contact alone will not be enough to get your ex back. Sure, it can make your ex miss you. It can even make them doubt the breakup. But unless someone initiates contact after no contact is over; you and your ex will not get back together.

A lot of people resist towards the idea of making the first move. Here are some of things I hear from my readers.

  • “Wouldn’t contacting my ex show that I am weak?”
  • “I want him to contact me first. I don’t want to look like I am chasing him.”
  • “I don’t want my ex to have the upper hand. If I contact her first, she will have the upper hand.”
  • “I want him to think that he is chasing me, instead of me chasing him.”
  • “I don’t want to look insecure in front of my ex. Wasn’t she supposed to contact me after no contact?”

If you think the same way, I want you to go back to the first and second part of this article and read them again. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you must not let fear dictate your actions.

There are two major concerns here. Not wanting to look needy and wanting to have the upper hand (power and control over the situation).

Let’s look at both of them.

Not looking needy in front of your ex

It’s true if you keep contacting your ex after a breakup, it makes you look needy, insecure or desperate. In fact, it’s one of the deadly mistake I talk about in this article on getting your ex back.

But things are very different after no contact. Especially if you have made a lot of changes in yourself. If you have acquired the right mindset, the right tools, the right skills to approach this situation; then contacting your ex will not come off as needy.

Consider these two attitude

“I want my ex back at any costs. This is my last chance and I want to do everything perfectly. I don’t want to lose my ex because my life is miserable without him/her.”

If this is your mindset right now and you contact your ex, then there is a good chance you will come off as needy. Even if you use the right text messages to contact your ex and you somehow fake it; your ex will eventually figure out what’s really going on inside you and will end up ignoring you or even blocking you.

On the other hand, consider this attitude

“I want to contact my ex because I truly believe that we can start a new beautiful relationship. I’ve learned a lot and changed into a better person. Hopefully, my ex has as well. I want to give it another try and see if the new relationship will be different this time. If it works, I’ll be glad I initiated contact. If it doesn’t, I’ll know I tried my best and there isn’t anything else I can do.”

If you truly believe that, then nothing you send will come off as needy. Even if they initially think you are contacting them out of neediness, you will soon prove them wrong by your actions and words. What comes out of your mouth or your fingers (via texts) will automatically make you look confident because you are confident and you have the right tools and skills to handle this.

Having The Upper Hand

I get it. It feels like having your ex contact you first will give you a sense of power over the situation. After feeling helpless and hopeless for so long, having your ex contact you is a good sign. A sign that things might work out in the future. A sign that your ex still has feelings for you.

But consider this.

I have seen a lot of cases where an ex contacts first but they still didn’t end up back together. And I have seen so many cases where my readers and clients contacted first and they ended up getting back together.

If I have to rate the correlation of your ex contacting you first with getting back together on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d rate it a solid 1.5.

That means your ex contacting you first has almost no effect on reconciliation.

Like I said above, your mindset is the biggest factor in getting your ex back. And the second biggest factor is your skills and tools.

Make the first move or wait for eternity?

In a lot of cases, your ex will not contact you at all. They might think that you have moved on and might be preparing to move on themselves.

If you never contact them, they will eventually assume you have moved on.

Moreover, how long are you willing to wait for them to contact you? A couple of months? Six months? A year? Your entire life?

This whole process of wanting to get back together is both emotionally and mentally exhausting. The longer you wait, the more stress you accumulate.

When you are ready, you should contact your ex to see if it works. If it doesn’t, you should move on.

Remember, you are just trying to get back together. You are trying to see if things will work out now that you have changed into a better version of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you will wait for your ex to come back for eternity.

You need to have self-respect. You need to respect your time. And that means making the first move when you are ready. It means taking action instead of sitting around and wait for a great romantic relationship to fall on your lap.

What to Say To Your Ex After No Contact Rule?

This is where it gets tricky. Most people are so confused about what to say to their ex after no contact rule; they end up delaying it. Fortunately, I’ve got you covered in that area. Here’s a three step process to find out what to say to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact rule.

Step 1 : Figure out which medium suits you best

I usually recommend one of these three mediums to contact your ex.

  1. Texting
  2. Emails
  3. Hand Written Letter

But in some rare cases you can also choose to just call your ex on the phone.

You should choose the best medium to contact your ex by considering how you used to communicate and whether or not your ex blocked you before no contact.

Step 2: Find Out What You Must Say

This will depend on how bad your breakup was and how many mistakes you made after the breakup. If you acted very needy and desperate after the breakup; you should use the elephant in the room text mentioned in this article on texting your ex back.

If you parted on good terms, you can use one of the memory texts mentioned in that article.

Step 3: Say What you have to say with Confidence

Once you have decided what medium you are going to use and what you have to say; just go ahead and say it. If you have done everything right till now; the response you get from your ex is going to be positive. If not; just do no contact again and try after a couple of weeks.

Checklist:

  • Be brave enough to make the first move.
  • Figure out which medium you should use to contact your ex.
  • Figure out the most appropriate message to send your ex. (Read this article)
  • Send your first contact message to your ex and hope for the best.

Essential #4 Make the Right Moves and Escalate

Alright, so you’ve made the first move by contacting your ex after no contact. Your ex has responded positively and you are planning to continue texting and rebuild the attraction, connection and trust with your ex.

If you have done everything right till now, the next part should come easy. Here’s a breakdown of things you should keep in mind.

Increase the time you spend speaking with each other slowly

When you first contact your ex after no contact, you want to come off as a little bit aloof and have a light-hearted conversation (unless you need to use the elephant in the room approach).

Once you’ve done that, you want to back off for a few days and text them again. But this time, you talk for a little bit more time.

The next time you speak, you want the conversation to last a little longer.

You do this slowly and steadily so that your ex gets used to speaking with you again. You want them to speak to you first thing in the morning and the last conversation before going to bed. You want them to feel like you are lovers.

But it’s not going to happen unless you become close and personal

Increase the intensity of the conversation

You can’t always keep the conversations light-hearted. You want your ex to feel a strong connection with you. And no one feels a connection with someone they only have casual conversations with.

This is when you get close and personal. You speak about your feelings and you encourage them to speak about their feelings. You talk about your fears, desires, successes and failures. You open up to them and be vulnerable.

Read some examples on how to do this in this article.

Take the conversation to a more personal medium

When it comes to the medium you are using to communicate with your ex; it goes something like this

Social Media >>> Emails >>>> Texts >>>>> Phone Calls >>>>>> Video Calls >>>>Face to Face

You should strive to get more and more personal with them. If you are just emailing them immediately after no contact, you want to be texting them after a couple of weeks.

If you have been texting for a few weeks, you should be trying to get on a phone call.

If you have been speaking on the phone, you should try to meet them or get them on a video call (if you are in a long-distance relationship).

Always strive to move forward. But do it slowly and subtly.

Checklist:

Essential #5 Have Difficult Conversations

This section is extremely important if you don’t want to end up in the dreaded friendzone with your ex. Your ex might be speaking to you normally and they might even show some signs that they still love you or want to get back together.

But your ex still has a lot of doubts in their mind about wanting to get back together. You need to address those doubts. And you need to do it effectively.

Remember how we talked about having the right skills and tools for the job? This is where it comes in.

If you are skilled at communicating effectively in a relationship, this part should come to you easily. Also, if you have done the leg work; become more confident, attractive, successful and more suitable for a relationship; this part should come in easy.

But you must have the courage to speak about it. I see a lot of my readers making the mistake of trying to avoid these serious issues that are probably bothering your ex. Issues that were probably the reason you guys broke up in the first place.

If you try to avoid talking about those issues, your ex is likely going to think nothing has changed. This will make you look weak and manipulative. Avoiding any kind of serious talk with your ex is going to push them away.

Instead you should learn to talk about those sensitive topics in a calm and rational way. You should have proof to show them how things are different now. And you should never end these serious conversations by talking about getting back together.

“Hey, I’ve changed this about myself and things will be different now. Want to get back together?”

If you talk about getting back together after having a conversation about a serious issue between you and your ex; you end up making it look like you have only changed just to get back together.

This makes everything you have done until now manipulative and insincere. This immediately makes your ex put up their defenses and undo all the hard work you have done till now.

So, how do you approach this?

You just state the fact and address the issue. You don’t say that you want them to get back together. If the issue is specifically about getting back together; you always tell them that even though you want to get back together; you don’t think it’s a good idea to rush into things.

You let them know that you are as skeptical about getting back together as they are. You want a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. Something that’s built on solid foundation. And you should mean that.

Checklist:

  • Avoid being friendzoned by your ex girlfriend or boyfriend by addressing the serious issues.
  • Refer to Essential no. 2 to learn how to communicate effectively and resolve these issues.

To recap; here is what to do after no contact if you want your ex back.

  1. Step 1: Have the right mindset. (The most important step. Here’s what I mean)
  2. Step 2: Develop the right skills and have the right tools to fix your relationship. (Here are some examples)
  3. Step 3: Make the first move to restart contact. (Make sure you don’t look needy or desperate).
  4. Step 4: Escalate conversations
  5. Step 5: Have difficult conversations

And if you haven’t yet, make sure you read my article on how to get your ex girlfriend back or how to get your ex boyfriend back.

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189 comments ...add one

  • Kim

    My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for a year+ before he said he needed space (note it's a relationship of years) I initiated no contact for a month before he reached out to me.....after which we stopped talking for few days until it was my birthday, he contacted me again...even sent a cake, after then we've had casual conversations and even discussed about few personal issues recently but when I asked if he would like to give us another try, he said to put that on hold for now... I don't know what to do next. Am I to go no contact again?I don't want to be friend zoned. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Remember that you have to take things slow and work on rebuilding attraction and trust first before you bring up the topic of starting a relationship again

      Reply
    • Kim

      Thanks for the reply,am willing to, but am afraid I might end up in the friend zone...am confused, i feel being friendly will make him friend zone me

      Reply
  • Olivar

    Who can I speak to about my situation? How much does it cost? And would there be a telephone option to fit in all of the emotional details?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Olivar, unfortunately we do not provide telephone or face to face sessions, only personal email coaching with either Kevin or me. You can find more information regarding email coaching here.

      Reply
  • Jim Irving

    Met a girl (long distance) and it took 2 months before first date with minimal talking in between. We hit it off on the date and the first week after, but she went cold. After 4 days and a few unreturned texts/calls I told her it was't going to work out. Text her the next day saying I was willing to talk about it with no reply. Texted her the day after that and said I regretted sending those texts. Again no response. On 3 weeks of no contact and want to attempt to build attraction again as I still have feelings for her. Should I follow the same steps or do you have any advice for this unique situation?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think that you should let go because her actions indicate a clear disinterest in wanting anything to do with you any further and could have treated this as a fling. Since there had only been one date, it is unlikely that she would feel invested or has enough feelings for you at this point, and you shouldn't push any further.

      Reply
  • Dan

    When it comes to recontacting Wouldn’t be better to just ask to meet in person rather than building up through mediums say getting coffee instead of texting for three days before seeing each other. Or have I misread the advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you have gone a period without contacting her and suddenly ask to meetup without first breaking the awkwardness or getting her familiar with you again, what are the odds of her agreeing to getting coffee in the first place? The whole point of texting first before working into a meetup is to increase your chances, lower her defenses, and ultimately ensure that the meetup is not wasted.

      Reply
  • zayan

    Me and my girlfriend were together for over three years. We had some conflicts because of misunderstanding and broke up. So I tried no contact rule and she drunk dialed me after 3 weeks of no contact and told me how much she missed me and loved me. But she is cold again next day.I don't want to rush things to get back together.What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Don't let the phone call get to you and continue following the guidelines in our main article on building the connection again with her.

      Reply
  • joelli

    My ex and I broke up on july 12th, the day we should have been together for 6 months. I'm not upset anymore *although I felt miserable at first* . we haven't talked once since then. Do you think I talk to him now or not?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reach out and start by building upon having a friendship between the both of you first and see where it takes you from there.

      Reply
  • Ella

    We’re going on 2 months of not talking. He’s continued to look at my stories since after the breakup. Sometimes he’s the first, so I figure he’s waiting for me to text him but I haven’t because the first time we broke up I always reached out to him. He never did. We’ve always spent such a great time together & everything going this second time he seemed to put more effort, he seemed different. Until he gave me the same excuse as the first saying he doesn’t have time, doesn’t want to waste mine & doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t know what to do. Should I contact him? Or wait. I feel like he’s not going to. He said he cared yet, hasn’t reached out. I’ve never been needy w: him & always gave him space. I just wish we could get back together, I don’t want to give up one him.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If it's been on your mind of late and bugging you, I suggest just reaching out to him first casually to get the ball rolling at least. He may not have initiated contact because he doesn't know how you feel and whether you'd be willing to talk to him, or he could simply be too prideful to do so.

      Reply
  • Aru

    My fiance last night called off the relationship stating he don't feel for me anymore. He loves me cares for me but he don't feel attracted or feel any love for me like it used to be earlier. We were about to get enaged in a week's time and now suddenly he said he don't feel excited and don't love me and feel for me like he used to. He has done this before also and i actually begged him to come back and so he came back...now yesterday I said ok go... you are free to leave. Can't force you to be in this relationship. But i hv loved him and I still love him alot and I really want that love back in him. Please help me. And is it compulsory to do no contact or can i talk to him occassionally?? Or what should I do please help. He hasn't blocked me and said we'll be friends you can talk to me whenever required. I haven't slept all night I can't let him go please suggest something.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on what caused him to begin feeling this way towards you and whether you're able to change these aspects or not. Potentially, it could be lack of excitement and adventure in the relationship, or loss of physical attraction, or simply cold feet from his end. If you know there are aspects that need to be worked on and going into no contact would help give both parties some space to miss each other, I would recommend doing full no contact unless this issue (based on your past experience) was something that he gets over fairly quickly.

      Reply
  • Darius

    Hi
    My girlfriend (22) just broke up with me (19) around a week ago. It was due to me being insecure and not taking account of her feelings most of the time. At times i am unable to read situations. The week before she decided to break up, we were on our 8th month dating and on the 2nd month of long distance relationship. She being in uk and me in ireland. She had 1 boyfriend before me and she was my first. The first 3-5 days after the break up i was quite clingy and cried. After talking to a few friends and seeing this website i decided to start NC just 2 days ago. She has me friendzones and told me she liked me but just did not love me anymore. I showed quite a bad side of me right after the break up, saying she was right it was all my fault, that i will only love her and crying. The main reason she decided to break up was due to me not being able to read situations in a row for the week before we broke up which made her very sad and she saying i was immature. I realised she was right and i was very immature handling our relationship and the break up, but its too late. What should i do now? I am currently in day 2-3 of NC and after reading a few of your articles understood better what i could and should do. But i am not sure what i shpuld do step by step yet. I also currently have a close friend at the same school as her. I told him not to tell me anything about her to me for the duration of NC. I cant decide the duration and future plans, what should i do?
    Thank you the help and listening.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Loss of attraction is normal in many relationships because the initial spark that was first felt at the start of the relationship is generally diminished or lost. Sweet gestures, thoughtful surprises, or maybe even physical appearance tends to diminish over time as both parties get more comfortable being in a relationship with each other. However, this would also lead to a loss of attraction for the other person, which resulted in her still caring about you but no longer loving you. Since the negative memory of how you reacted during the breakup would still be etched onto her mind, it would be good to perhaps complete the given NC timeframe of 30 days before reaching out again. During this time, address the issues you felt caused the relationship to fall apart as well as focusing on self-improvement. This way, when you reach out again, it would be easier to re-create the spark she once saw in you, especially if you show significant changes and growth from your previous self.

      Reply
  • Dessy

    Hi. Me and my ex were best friends for a year and in a relationship for almost 3. He recently broke up with me because he said that he felt as though he limited himself to spare my feelings and didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, yet he wants to be friends > and he needs time. I texted back a few days later stating that I was unclear about what any of it meant besides the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. He feels like I'm giving him a time limit (which I'm not, I just need to know if I should move on or not.) I guess I pissed him off and he said don't wait for him. I admit to coming off as needy and desperate at the end as I said that I still want him and letting him know that we can be great together against all odds, adding that this time apart will probably help. He hasn't responded. I'm beginning to go into the no contact, but I'm not sure of where this will end for us. What do you think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on the circumstances of why he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Based on what he's said, it would seem like the best possible route to take for now is to respect that decision to take time apart (which you can implement NC concurrently). Start again as friends down the road and if an opportunity presents itself and you still have feelings for him, you could always consider starting something again. However, don't deliberately wait for that opportunity, and I would suggest moving forward with your life for now.

      Reply
  • James

    Hey!
    my long distance girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me and said we can check in on each other occasionally and talk when she gets back in a month. at first i freaked out with neediness crying and face timing her and that only got her to the point of telling me we can't speak until she gets back. When i read your articles i realized that the no contact thing is the right call and immediately stopped contacting her but now theres only 2 weeks till she comes home. Our breakup wasn't bad and i know she still has feelings for me. What should i say to her when i see her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start by acknowledging the issues of the relationship with an elephant in the room text, followed by a light conversation to break the ice since it has been awhile that you last spoke to her.

      Reply
  • R. G

    Hi, pls I really need your advice on this. This guy said he's not ready for a relationship cos of some reasons even though he once asked me out. We actually spoke a couple of times after that but I kinda got tired of pretending to be cool with the whole friendship thing. So I decided to use no contact to move on and if possible, get him back. I did no contact for 2 months. In the first month, I broke the no contact to call him back after I ignored his call, which he didn't pick or return. So I decided to start no contact from day one again. I completed the 30 days no contact successfully and 6 days after (which was 4 days ago), he called me but I didn't pick cos I wasn't ready to talk to him. I later messaged him the next day. Told him I saw his missed call and he replied he wanted to talk/check on me. I then asked what he wanted to talk about but he didn't reply and I left it that way. 5 days after, he called me but I didn't pick cos I felt he's testing me. So now I'm wondering if I should wait for him to contact me again or I should?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Instead of going about this hot and cold game of missing each others calls and ignoring replies, how about try reaching out and if he doesn't respond, the next time he reaches out again you should answer.

      Reply
  • Tyrone

    I’ve known my ex for 6 years, dated for 5 months. We were good in the relationship. But something was off around the end, we ended it good, but three days later I texted her in a needy way and fought about it, she said she lost respect for me and wasn’t gonna unblock me. I did the unspeakable by sending gifts and hitting her up on other people’s phones. I finally gave in and went into no contact

    To my surprise a week later hit me up said in the relationship she really left because I didn’t do much for her at times when she really needed it , I’m kind of instagram famous so she said the girls were getting to her and seeing how they looked better then her (they really didn’t ) she got really depressed and couldn’t handle it.(this was one of my real relationship so I had no real experience)

    But she said she won’t forgive me, but she’s been my best friend for 6 years and this kinda happened before. I’m going into no contact with the mindset of I want her back, but I don’t need her back yknow? I think she has me blocked also, and she is in a new relationship (maybe rebound I don’t care) I’m just wondering what the next step is to Atleast try to build a connection with her again. We both said we learned from our experience but I feel like if I had this knowledge of a real relationship before it would of worked even better

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your mentality is the right one to have as it doesn't build up unnecessary expectations that would cause you to do something you'd end up regretting. If she has blocked you currently, going about no contact until she eventually unblocks you would be the best way to go about it, because it doesn't overstep boundaries of you approaching her while she isn't ready. It also sets you up nicely to reconnect since by the time she unblocks you, she would have at least accepted the breakup previously and may not harbor any negative emotions towards you already.

      Reply
    • Tyrone

      She dated some guy Atleast two weeks after we broke up, I haven’t checked her Instagram or anything but mutual friends say she seems happy. Recently she texted me saying “I moved on. I’m happy with my life. Like I don’t hate you I just don’t want to deal with it at this point” and I’m wondering if I even still have a fighting chance. People tell me to move on but something in my heart tells me to keep fighting. I’m going into no contact regardless since she blocked me, but in the future should I hit her up first or wait?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would honestly suggest in this case that you go into no contact and actually consider moving forward with your life for the time being. While she may not hate you, it may still be a while before she's ready to talk to you again and you don't want to just be sitting around waiting for that day to come. Your chance would probably come sometime in the future when both of you have progressed and grown in your own ways, and she has totally let go of the past. At that time, she would have definitely moved on and you might even have as well but should you still have feelings for her, that would be the best time to start over. You would have to win her heart all over again but it would beat trying to pick up broken pieces of the relationship right now.

      Reply
  • Mayank

    Hry i had a 2 year relationship with my ex now she has moved on and we ended up in awful terms i contacted her after 20 days now she speaks with me in fine manner moreover she also sometimes speak on the call that everything is going wrong from the day you left but when i talk about getting back together she changes the topic.... She also invited me for a hangout.... How to get her back and break her currwnt relationship

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take things slow, and avoid jumping the gun on asking her to get back together each time you talk to her. Build the attraction up bit by bit before taking things to the next step.

      Reply
  • Ciagar

    I messed up. I accused my fwb of something only to find out I was wrong. This is the second time we had a huge fight. The first was I implemented no contact but only lasted for few days because he reached out and I did not resist. Now, since I know I was at fault, I voluntarily told him, Im going to step back. He said, he will give me time for myself to think things through. He cant forgive and trust me anymore for what I have done. He also said that he does not want to see me. But he also mentioned that I can still count on him but he cant be supporting my behaviour. I scared him, thats what he said. I came off extremely needy and impulsive. Will the no contact gonna work for us? Does he really mean what he said? Any perspective please.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like he still has feelings for you but is simply feeling hurt and betrayed right now. Giving both parties some space and breathing room would probably help, especially once he calms down a little more and is more receptive towards your approach in mending the situation.

      Reply
  • Tina

    Someone help. We went out for 2 months and contacted ex after a month, he blocked me via phone and everything however I called him with no number and he picked up. I apologised for everything and he apologised for hurting me. Only spoke for 1 min. How do I go about contact now?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Currently, you should wait until he unblocks you before reaching out again. If you go about doing so with private numbers, it'll only make him think that you're behaving desperately and it would push him further away. Let him come to terms with things at his own pace.

      Reply
  • Danielle

    Please help me. I completed no contact and then called my ‘friends with benefits’ after 32 days, we spoke for 1 minute, general convo and apologised for everything, he also said he’s sorry for hurting me. I basically was pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion but instead I had a miscarriage :( I’ve only known him since March. The thing is when we argued, he blocked me from everything. Even calls. So I had to call him with no number. So how do I go about everything now. The only way to get in touch with him is if I call with no caller ID, please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you're going to have to simply wait until he unblocks you because continuously contacting him through private numbers is one of the fastest way to push him away because that behavior will come across as desperate and stalkerish.

      Reply
    • Danielle

      Thanks for the reply. So how am I meant to do this, call him every week to see if he’s unblocked me? Maybe his pride won’t unblock me. He also said when I was pregnant that he has a girlfriend. Just losing hope to be honest

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It might honestly be better to make the decision to walk away instead. It's less emotionally abusive to yourself in the long run, especially if you never know whether he might decide to unblock you or not. If you decide that you want to pursue this still, every week may be a little extreme maybe try a text once every 2 weeks, and if after 2 months you still don't get a reply, you're probably better off moving on.

      Reply
    • Danielle

      So I contacted him on no caller ID a week ago, he was pleasant at first and then told me that it would be best if I stopped contacting him in case his so called gf finds out. I was like sure that’s absolutely fine - had a cry after that. Anyway the next day he unblocks me on WhatsApp and tells me he wants to meet up with me and sleep with me basically. I said I was busy on those days he suggested however I did ask him if he would like to meet this Friday. He hasn’t replied and I know he has read my message, also I haven’t seen him much online on WhatsApp. Please help. I really want to message him but what do I say if I’ve been blanked however I’m not unblocked

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he didn't respond to you, don't pressure him or bring it up again and give him some space for the time being before considering to reach out or ask him out again. You want to show him you've changed and are capable of taking things easy so don't get impatient or freak out if he doesn't respond the way you intend for him to.

      Reply
    • Danielle

      Thank you! I love this site. The last message I sent his was last Friday, when I asked him if he would be available this Friday evening. When would I send him a message again? It’s been 5 days. He used to do this before and that’s why I would argue because he used to ignore me like this. I’m trying to be so patient

      Reply
    • Danielle

      Thank you! I love this site. The last message I sent his was last Friday, when I asked him if he would be available this Friday evening. When would I send him a message again and what would I say? It’s been 5 days. He used to do this before and that’s why I would argue because he used to ignore me like this. I’m trying to be so patient

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      1 week may be too soon to reach out again after the last failed attempt. 2 weeks might be a better idea and you could reach out with a 'memory' text where you randomly text him about something you were doing that reminded you of a certain shared memory you guys had in the past.

      Reply
    • Danielle

      So I met up with him today and we slept together. It wasn’t long at all. Like just an hour. Anyway it was so awkward. I took him a bar of chocolate though as a peace offering, he did say thanks. He goes at the end when he was leaving, ‘see you around and I will message you just incase’
      I’m not sure how I’m meant to feel actually. Like I don’t know how he thinks of me, we didn’t talk much. I apologised and he said just forget about it and if he was angry with me, he wouldn’t have come to see me. So what do I do now in regards to contact? He really doesn’t like me does he

      Reply
  • Seronwe345

    I have contacted my ex after no contact for1 and a half months, we went out for two months. I spaced three good reminder messages out within two weeks. All three were ignored. Its been 2 weeks since I last sent that last message. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Send one more message out, and if your ex still doesn't respond, you're going to have to face the reality that he/she is no longer interested in talking to you and consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Lucy

    Hi, my husband recently left me for someone else. We have a 5 month old and a 2 year old together. I am taking the time to work on myself and actually enjoying ‘me’ time and creating new passions. This has actually been a good thing for me even though I am obviously heartbroken. Will the no contact (minimal contact as we have children) and the contact after still work if he’s seeing someone else? Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would work if the changes you made to yourself during no contact were prominent enough, and the relationship he once shared with you was a meaningful one (which it sounded like).

      Reply
  • Nate

    My gf and I (both 20) were together for 5 months, and she recently broke up with me saying that she thinks she wants to do her own thing. However, she was obviously very upset with it and was bawling. We were very close.
    She’s the kind of person to move on from things quickly and do her “own thing” (she’s also very stubborn), so I decided that two weeks of NC would be sufficient. Basically, I texted her and asked if she had seen the Halloween (2018) movie trailer. She said she hadn’t and even asked me some questions about it. I ended up saying “I remember how much you love that series, so make sure you don’t miss it” to which she replied “thanks!!!” and I decided not to reply to that. I didn’t come across desperate at all and it also served as a subtle reminder of when she and I watched that movie together early on in our relationship, at least in my opinion. It was a brief but good conversation.
    Also, what might be worth noting is that we both acted very mature during the break up process. I told her it was okay, I understood, “no I don’t hate you, my friends don’t hate you” and that she could contact me if she ever needed anything. I then went straight into NC for two weeks with making any of those common post-break up mistakes at all.
    So I guess my next questions are:
    1. Do you think my text was a good move?
    2. Is there a possibility she found it to be desperate?
    3. Where do I go from here? Like when do I text her again, and what should it be about?
    4. Overall, does this seem like a salvageable situation to you? Based on what I’ve told you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      1. Your text seemed fine and her response also indicated that it wasn't overbearing or desperate.
      2. The only chances of that happening was if she had a negative perception of you already, and by contacting her, it further reinforced that idea.
      3. Perhaps wait a couple of days before reaching out again and starting a new topic. You can use this article for more ideas.
      4. Based on how she responded, there doesn't seem to be any resentment but it would still depend on where she stands on the whole 'wanting to do her own thing' and if she's open to the idea of a relationship at this point again or not.

      Reply
    • Nate

      Thanks for the reply Ryan! I hope you don’t mind me asking a couple more questions.
      I texted her today (Wednesday) about the CBS show “Big Brother” because we both enjoyed watching it together. We had a good conversion about it, longer than our last one, and I again got a better response than I was expecting. Even some laughing emojis, lol. She seemed pretty invested with the conversation. I noticed the conversation kinda starting to get dull after a little while, so I decided to stop texting her at that point.
      My next “move” that I have planned out is pretty big, and it may be jumping the gun a little too soon. But something in me is telling me that I should give it a try. The season finale of big brother is on September 26th. My thought is that I ask her if she wants to watch it together. A text along the lines of “hey, I was wondering if you would wanna watch the season finale of big brother together just for good ole times sake? I completely understand if you aren’t up for it, just thought I would ask. I don’t really know anybody else that I could watch it with” etc. Even if she says no, I know that she would be impressed that I had enough confidence and “balls” to ask. Me attempting power moves like that are kinda what brought us together in the first place. I dunno. I’d like to hear what you have to say.
      1. I will likely try to contact her one or two more times before I ask about big brother (if it’s not an absolutely horrible idea). I’m thinking about perhaps using the “advice” text next simply so I don’t seem redundant as the last two texts fell under the category of “interest” and “memory”. Good idea or should I use a different text?
      2. Your overall thoughts on my big brother plan?
      3. If she were to say no, what step do I take from there? Is it just time to move on at that point or is there still a chance after I give her some more space?
      4. A little unrelated to my previous questions- she has been very active on social media all of a sudden. She’s posted 7 Snapchat stories in 2 weeks when usually she wouldn’t even post that many in two months! It just seems off to me. Isn’t it usually the broken-hearted one who starts posting on SM a lot out of the blue to show that they’re okay? The stories she’s posted in general are very pointless. No captions, nothing exciting. Nothing with friends. One selfie posted. It may be irrational for me to think that way. Could be completely coincidental. Just a thought. What’s your opinion?
      Thanks!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apologies for the delayed response. How did your plan fair? It seemed like a good one, and to help you with some of the questions you had, if she responds negatively towards it, your chances are not ruined or anything. Simply back away for the time being, give her some space before approaching again. It might be a little sudden to pull a big move on her but since that's what made her fall for you in the first place, I don't see the harm in simply being yourself. The sudden posting on social media may not have to do with the one who gets dumped in the relationship but rather the one who's determined to convince themselves that they're okay. It seems like perhaps she's in the missing you stage and may have gotten affected by you, which resulted in her sudden outbursts of posts. Alternatively, it could have simply had nothing to do with anything and there was no ulterior motive for it.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Hi! Thank you for a great article. My situation. My ex and I dated for roughly six months. Quite quickly she introduced me to her parents and was spending almost every weekend at my place, texting me every day, and we talked on the phone every night. I have friends, hobbies, and self-help events I go to. I was trying to find balance, but it was becoming too much for me, too quickly. She said she needed more time with me so I tried to meet her for dinner once a week after work. One night, I said something (in reflection) that probably opened up one of her wounds (I let her know I did not feel like cuddling). She got up, made a snide comment and left. I let her know I wanted her to stay, but she left. I was busy the next day or two and do not sweep things under the rug. She texted me not addressing what happened. Two days later when I called her (after limited texts) she broke up with me. It sucked, but I accepted it. Two days later shes texting me how hard it is. I texted back in agreement. She then texted me again. I am trying to move on and this confused me so I emailed her about how I am trying to move on and her contacting me confuses me. A few days later she texts me again. Every few days she would text me. Finally, out of frustration, I emailed her back letting her know that it hurts me greatly every time she contacts me to talk and then to just say once again, "I don't want to be with you" and I asked her to not contact me again. A month later I emailed her asking if she would like to open up communication. She replied with my prior email (the one in which I asked her to not contact me) and told me she has no interest in ever speaking with me. Fast forward a month (now) and I noticed she unblocked me on Facebook. What's interesting to me is that on the first break up call she mentioned how I was the healthiest relationship she had and it's hard because we had such great communication. I think our communication sucked. Had she opened up to me and shared with me what I say or do that hurts her, I could have had a chance to change some things, which I am open to. However, I don't feel she did or if she did it was like in a passive way. Anyhow, I am curious to see if she wants to talk. I am just so open to honest communication and would like to see if she would like to talk. What are your thoughts?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Remember that people communicate at different frequencies and you can't simply force her to adopt yours if you wanted to her to open up to you even if it was a better method. Perhaps this time if you try reaching out again, gain her trust first and slowly warm her up to the idea of opening up bit by bit instead of expecting her to communicate in the same way immediately which might overwhelm her.

      Reply
  • Mark

    My GF of 5 years blindsided me with a breakup recently. I was needy and bargaining for one week (via text) and wrote her a couple long romantic letters. Obviously didn't work. Since then I've been NC.

    How do I validate that I've made these changes in a way that proves to her I have? Social Media? Just pictures of my new lifestyle? This is important because if I just say I've changed, she won't believe me. We have no mutual friends even though we live in the same city (recently moved here). The breakup sucks, but it forced me to address a lot of issues with myself. I just want to show her genuine change but I have a credibility problem effectively.

    Also, any advice on overcoming the disapproval of her friends? I think they are going to pressure her not to give me another go, even in a new relationship. Thanks, great site

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start with social media updates and if you begin a conversation with her again, instead of telling her you've changed, show her with your actions. If her friends are disapproving of you, you might have to keep things slow and steady with her, as well as low key with her friends preferably out of the picture until she begins to trust you again.

      Reply
  • NC advice

    Is it ok to break NC just to let my ex know I am doing ok? I just started NC after 5 ish weeks of trying to talk but her responses became less frequent. It’s been 4 days and she’s texted me twice, one of which was asking if I’m doing ok.
    Is it considering breaking NC if she texts first and I am just letting her know I am doing ok? Advice?

    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, if it helps with the assurance and frequency of texting, just let her know that you're fine and you need some time to yourself to process everything that has happened, before continuing with NC again.

      Reply
  • John

    My girlfriend and I broke up due to distance and the uncertainty that I will get to go to grad school near her. We dated for a year and a half. We talked after the break up but her responses became less and less and eventually they would be a day later. I never acted irrationally or needy, I would also wait to reply, etc, but I almost always initiated the conversation.
    5 weeks after the break up I saw she went to baseball game with a new guy and he posted a pic with her calling her special ❤️. Six weeks after the break up I saw she comments on his pictures heart eyes and such. But she hasn’t posted anything about him, and made sure she never mentioned him to me. Once I saw the comments, I initiated no contact.
    It’s been 3 days and she has texted me twice. One asking what I did today and the other “Hope you’re doing okay”. But I also posted a social media story of me and my friends at a party, then the first text of hers came.
    I feel like I should let her know I am going to do not contact her for a while, or maybe even not do a NC since we left on good terms, still loving each other, it was just the distance being too hard on both of us, but her especially.
    Any advice? Should I stick out no contact as I am, should I let her know, should I do NC? Any special advice about after NC since we still will be long distance and unsure of where I will be? I have plans and ways to be in the city she works, but they aren’t as ideal as just getting into one of the few schools around where she lives.

    Thanks for your time. This website has helped me a lot.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps it would be a better idea for you to figure out what you want first and foremost, because it seems that she definitely wanted you with her but if there was uncertainty (regarding grad school or anything else), it would have been from your end subconsciously. Only when you've at least made up your mind, would you be able to work on a plan and whether to go into NC, maintain contact, or walk away.

      Reply
  • Louie

    Hi, I admit that I am really having a hard time doing no contact. Whenever I would try doing it my ex would get mad at me or play the pity card. I'm really confused about our situation right now because she says she doesn't want to get back together but whenever we meet up she wants to hold hands or cuddle because it doesn't "feel right" otherwise. Whenever we do go out we would only spend a short time before she would say that we shouldn't spend too much time together because there should be boundaries between us. She would discuss to me her goals in life and her plans for the future and would jokingly say that we could get back together when she sorts things out. I'm so confused.. I'm starting to think she's just toying with me. What should I do in this situation?

    Reply
  • liz

    I think I was needy and panic alot which always bring issues before he finally breakup wit me. He said we should be friends but I refused to remain friends. after that conversation I send him a goodbye message the next day and after that we have been in no contact for three weeks now. 3 days ago, I posted on Facebook nd he commented on my picture positively. I want to contact him or what should I do next

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could contact him considering your NC period is almost over and he responded positively.

      Reply
  • G

    Ive been broken up with my ex for 5 monrhs now. After the 2nd month in she was already seeing another guy. At first she didnt want to tell me but i grinded it out of her. I ended up seeing them at the bar and kinda freaking out. Saying j wanted some stuff back that i originally said she could keep. She ended up blocking me on every social media platform, txts and blocked all my friends and had her one gay friend who i was suppose to be cool with block me as well. I know people who know her and say shes still seeing this guy. Which is a type of guy shes said she would never be interested in ( bar star) i didnt socialize much so i feel like shes going out a lot more cause we didnt. Her dads death anniversary is in a few days and i helped out a lot with that situation and have a connection there. I wanted to send a txt or email if im not blocked just saying thinking about your dad.... is that a bad idea?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she still has you blocked, there's a good chance that emailing her about her dad won't do anything for the situation, and you might want to give her some time to let the rebound relationship take it's course, before trying to reach out again to reconnect.

      Reply
  • Dilana

    Me and my ex just broke up recently, and I'm starting the NC now.
    We have been dating for 5-6 months and I thought that everything was great between us. But when I told him that I was falling for him, he could not say the same to me. Eventually we broke up because he said that he was unsure of his feelings, that he really liked me but he wasn't in love with me and could'nt continue unless he really felt something strong for me. And since I'm leaving for another city for 3 months, he said it would be better do end it now rather than try and work it out.
    We haven't spoken since the break up since he wanted time for himself. I miss him so much and we had a really great time together.
    1. Is it still possible to get him back?
    2. I said to him that I would miss him, and then he cried, what does that mean?
    3. When the NC is over, how do I initiate contact again? Can I wish him a happy birthday, since it will be his birthday by then?
    4. Also, I'm thinking of sending a very short goodbye letter to him 4 days after the breakup, to remind him of the good memories we created and show him that I have accepted the break up and also to ease the pressure from him. What do you think about that?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To answer your questions:
      1) There's a chance as long as you're able to re-create the spark with him upon re-contact.
      2) I think he definitely does have feelings for you, but may be uncertain of how much and I think you going away for 3 months plays a part in his indecisiveness.
      3) You could drop him a text to wish him a happy birthday since it falls in time as the same period NC ends.
      4) If it helps with closure this time around before you go off to another city, by all means go ahead and send a goodbye letter.

      Reply
  • Jack Higgins

    Hello! I started a no contact and my ex girl texted me on day 16 and things escalated and she said she’s not coming back. She also called me and we had a good convo but I was a bit needy and made sarcastic remarks telling her to come back. She said she loved me and missed me that’s why she reached out. She was also saying how She thinks she’s not good for me she was about to cry. What do I do now ? Do I text her after a week and attract her through messages ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Depending on how long the relationship was, perhaps try completing NC before reaching out and building attraction, and learn to control your emotions so as to not potentially ruin your chances by acting needy or sarcastic in the future.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Me and my ex were dating for a year and two months before she said she wanted to take a break she said that we can still talk and do phone calls. She said that she still loved me and wanted to get back together later on. The next day she unfollows and unfriends me on social media. We were talking about meeting up shortly after she had said she wanted to take a break. Talking about it hurt both of us. So I suggested that we don't talk at all. A week later I message her and her replies are terse not at all what she would reply to me with. The first day of talking was all good and light hearted. The second day not so much, when I asked her how she was doing she said that I was making it hard for her to move on. She told me to move on as well and that nothing I said would change anything. Period. The next day I asked if we were permanently over and she said yes, when I asked if she would ever like to get back together she said she didn't know. She also said she didn't know what she would feel in the future. I went to my friend for advice and he messaged her without my knowing and he asked her about our relationship my friend ended up getting blocked. Later that same day she messages me saying we are over stop messaging your friends for advice and then having them message me. After that she blocked me on instagram. Before she had me blocked on snapchat.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Stop trying to win her back right now, and pick yourself out of the emotional stage you're going through. These actions would come across to her as needy and desperate, and would only push her away. Work on improving yourself, and make positive changes to your life first, before reconnecting to her again in the future as friends first, before thinking of anything further.

      Reply
  • Nigel

    Hi, just found this site and a lot of it really resonates with me. My story is: My ex and I have been broken up a month now, it needed because i pushed her away towards the end of our relationship as I was not communicating well, became a little controlling (although I did not realise until after) and overall it became a toxic relationship from both ends but mainly my fault. We were together a year and a half. The main problem in my case is that her friends turned on me and have been encouraging her to get on dating apps and taking out partying etc (normal I suppose) but i feel she really takes whatever they say on board and resents me more because of it. However I did the memory text on Sunday and while she did not respond to the memory it’s self she was friendly reciprocated that I hope she’s doing well. I have used this time to reaaally work on myself including gym counciling read a few books and the likes and want to communicate this to her. There’s a chance I see her at college as she works at the cafe there and want to know how I can go about implementing this guide. As a side note she has been speaking to a guy or two most probably as a self esteem boost(she’s kind of like that I think) or rebound type things or maybe even trying to move on as fast as possible. Anyways I hope I provided enough info and look forward to your advice - N

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would seem like she simply going through a phase right now where exploring her options, having fun, and validating herself have become important parts of her life. I would suggest putting yourself back together and coming out stronger/better than before the relationship, while showing the results off in a prominent way. You could follow this article regarding the gameplan to follow.

      Reply
  • Don

    My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We agree it wasn't either of our faults. She was super into me but broke it off because I flipped a trigger from one of her past relationships. She said she just flipped the switch and just can't be with me romantically. She really cares for me and still wants me in her life. So a few texts back and forth, some she initiated and some I did. They were positive texts so I asked her to go on a hike. She was happy I asked her and we went on the hike. She also said if I ever want to hike with her again to let her know. I felt like the conversation was really positive and we never brought up the relationship or directly asked how we are bettering ourselves. So not the question is how to proceed. She's around for a few more weeks then gone for work for a month. Do I hang out with her a few more times? Fun and flirty texts only? Am I in the friend zone because she really wanted me as a friend?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're probably in the friend zone because she's scared of seeing you otherwise due to her past. It would be good to ease into things and take it a step at a time, because at least she's still talking to you so you'll have an easier time approaching her than someone who was blocked by their ex.

      Reply
  • Alex

    I have had a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 Years, we rarely fought and had harmony, being able to talk about just anything, spending at least 3 hours stretched over the day on the phone each day.
    The last months he changed due to stress at work, fear of losing his job and the ex wife fighting over sole custody for their kid claiming he abused both of them. He told me he is in a dark hole, he has to get out of it, he cried why the ex is doing this and he started getting jealous of other people: the parents preferring his nephew over his daughter, the colleague with the better pay, me with the bigger car and house, as well as my social background.
    Then he told me he can’t plan a future anymore with me cause he doesn’t know what his life will look like tomorrow, then he told me I am the most important person in his life and he doesn’t want to lose me but he doesn’t love me anymore and ended our engagement.
    I still believed in us, I was sure his problems suffocated our love and decided to support and keep loving him.. when he told me he ll be camping with a friend over the weekend...I was excited for him, hoping this will distract him from his every day stress and he told me all the plans they made..only that same day his friend called me randomly and when I wished him fun at camping he knew nothing about it.
    My ex had set up a date 3 days after breaking up and lied to me about it..I started no contact and am in my second week. He did text me apologizing telling me I am so close to his heart and he wants to remain in my life..I responded with: I wish no further contact with you..
    Is there hope? I love him and I would take him back if he sees a therapist, what we had was this silent understanding, being always on the same page and this grown subtle love

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, you're probably going to have to help him see reason and encourage him to seek therapy if you actually want him back, or he might not even come to realize the need to do so.

      Reply
  • Catherine Wong

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 11.5 months hitting our one year. He broke up with me mainly because we’ve been fighting a lot and is now saying he hates me to my friends and that I was terrible to him. He cooled off and said he’d like to fix things eventually. He told me to move on so I’ve been trying the no contact and have been on social media posting pictures( one with a guy friend). My ex saw this and got very mad and is now saying he doesn’t want to fix things now. He has blocked me on everything and he is coming home from a 2 week trip soon and I don’t know if I should reach out or if I should wait longer as he seems very upset. He will only be here for a day before he leaves for another 2 weeks and there’s a lot of misunderstanding that’s going on. I want to clarify it to him but I feel he doesn’t want to listen yet. Should I wait?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's not ready to talk, trying to clarify would only make things worse as he may not want to hear what you have to say. I would suggest waiting for him to return the second time around before reaching out.

      Reply
  • Emily

    Hello,
    My Ex and I had been dating for the past 7 months, we had talked about wanting a family together and the future. My job takes me away for 10 days to 2 weeks a month and then I’m home the rest of the time. Although it is very flexible and I could work less if I didn’t have financial responsibilities. He hated my job taking me away and couldn’t visualize a future that way. He said he was the happiest with me he has ever been, so when I leave it’s like falling off a cliff. He has a stressful job and things have been going wrong with it lately, which I feel contributed to him giving up on our relationship. He said he couldn’t handle it anymore and will never forget this experience, but wanted to end the relationship. He knows I’ve told him in the future there are many choices including ultimately me quitting my job (not unless we are married) but he says he would feel bad about crushing my career even though he would want me around all the time.
    Before dating me he was in a 4 year relationship that they lived together although the last year he said was like roommates with no feelings. So, it’s almost opposite to ours and a huge change. We had to exchange keys and things at each other’s apartment so there was limited contact. About two weeks after the decision to leave me we met for the key exchange, he had lost weight and looked tired. I always cooked and made food for the freezer for while I was gone, because his work doesn’t allow him much time. I broke no contact for a simple birthday message, I will start again maybe till the end of next month. I feel like when his work calms down he will come back, like he just needs to cut out the easiest stress factor (me), but I just don’t know. Any advice?
    Thank you,
    Emily

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep in mind that even if this works, it may happen again whenever he is stressed, as long as you think you're still contributing to it. Perhaps it would be good to figure out if there's any way to alleviate your factor, which may help him stay on in the future.

      Reply
  • Austin

    I’ve been broken up with my ex for approximately 21 months . We were together for 3.5 years . The end of August would’ve made 5 years. She was the reason I packed up & walked away from her. What she did to me really hurt me. I was really angry & upset at her. I had no intent of talking to her ever again. She tried to fix us but I felt like she took light of the situation she put me in & I felt like if I returned she wouldn’t learn her lesson. I moved on & so did she. I was happy in my new rship & all of a sudden I started missin & thinking about her while in a new rship. So she had someone & so did I . We would still keep in contact . So I moved back to the city where we were living approx 3 months ago. So during the course of two of those months we would talk on the phone for a couple of hours once or twice a wk. I later found out that she was still with the person she moved on to after me. She didn’t tell me , the person she’s with called and told me that they live together. Finding out that information broke my heart completely because I thought that me moving back & us being long distance for a year in a half would help make things better, but it hasn’t. Idk if I had unrealistic expectations of us getting back to things ASAP after being broken up for so long, but I stopped communicating because she had someone & I don’t want bad karma , but I miss her like crazy & wish that things did not have to be this way. What should I do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's a chance that she still has unresolved feelings for you but is caught in a situation where her current relationship makes it hard for her to progress any further. That being said, there's also a chance that she's simply bored of her current relationship and you provide a relief to that. This is dependent on the relationship she has with her current partner of course, but it might be a good idea to not waste your time any further, especially if she isn't intending to do anything about her current relationship.

      Reply
  • Aka

    Hi, Thank you for This article. I texted him after NC and he replied almost immediately. He suggested we should meet. How can I avoid being friend zoned??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Maintain the level communication as if you were dating him for the first time, and simply be yourself. If the relationship was meaningful and you've made changes to yourself during NC, he shouldn't automatically friendzone you when meeting up.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi,

    I'm wondering if I should use the memory first message or the apology. I will give a synopsis of my situation.

    My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for a total of seven years. We lived together for almost four years. She has two children from a previous long marriage. While we were living together, I went through some trauma at work which triggered a lengthy bout of major depression/anxiety that took two years to fully recover from (I didn't fully recover until we split and I was on my own, free of the guilt.). During that time we grew apart emotionally and intimately. Most of that was due to my state of mind and the guilt that I was void of emotion due to my condition at the time.

    When she told me it was over and wanted me to move out, I was actually relieved. We didn't fight about it really but there was some explosive argument on her end when I had requested money in compensation for the amount I had contributed to the family and mortgage (I asked for a fraction of what I put in). She eventually agreed and I have given her time to acquire the money. So, for the last two months we have only communicated for the purpose of money or picking up possessions. We've been split for almost three months.

    After being on my own, I have fully recovered from the illness. I went back to the gym and began body building again. I got my teeth fixed (which I had ignored while depressed) and I generally feel good about myself. I miss her, but I don't miss living there, at least in the capacity I was. If we were to reconcile, I'd like to date her all over again as the person I am today.

    So, as I originally states, should I apologize for the errors I made in the relationship or start with a memory type first contact?

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      An apology would be better in this case instead of a memory text since there might have been some bitterness over the breakup on her end, primarily due to the finance issue.

      Reply
  • Lali

    Hello,
    Thank you for your article. I am sorry for my long paragraph. I broke up with my boyfriend 2.5 months ago. We were together for 7 years and we were leaving together the last 3 years.I am 28 years old and he 2 years older. I got panicked about our relationship cause I thought I did not want to commit further. We are not leaving together now he got out of the house back to his parents. About a month ago I told him that I regret breaking up with him but he said that the last year we were together he was very sad since I was telling him things like I don't love him anymore and that now he is on his fit again. I started begging and stuff. So after that I decided to give him time to think. I booked tickets for us for holidays and told him that if he decided he can come with me. So I stopped talking to him after that. I hd 2 weeks no contact but our common friends were telling me that the "holiday" thing was too pressuring so I cancelled the tickets. I broke "No contact" rule to tell him that and he responded that it was the right thing to do because he was feeling really pressured. So after that contact I am on another "2 weeks" no contact rule. I am trying to keep another 2 weeks to make a full 30 days no contact . It is really hard for me. I do things to improve myself, I have started gym, everyone around me sees me in a better physical condition, I even go to a psychologist/therapist. Going out with friend, going to trips. But I steel feel very sad and afraid that I am losing him forever. I believe I have hurt him deeply and I do not know what to do about it or how I can help myself to improve things. I am so afraid that things are irreversible now. I just need one more chance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're going to have to be patient and give him time to come around. Just as you feel sad about it, he must've felt the same way over the past year, and needs to pick himself up and feel comfortable to open up to you again. All these things take time, and if you are unable to do so, it might be a better idea to instead focus on moving on.

      Reply
  • Michael

    So I was seeing this guy for a few weeks, and during that time we spent almost every day together, texted and snapchatted when weren't with each other, went out on dates, and took a road trip together. I was leaving town for the summer (three hours away) and asked him to be exclusive. Things were going so well and it seemed we were already doing relationship type stuff so I didn't think it would be an issue. He told me we would talk about it but a few days later broke it off via text telling me he wasn't ready for another relationship (he'd only been single for 4 or 5 months after a long-term relationship had ended). I was pretty crushed and did my fair share of pleading, but when he stopped responding I didn't contact him for about a month and half and in that time he continued to view stories that I'd post on social media. I finally reached out again and asked how his summer job was going and I was surprised to see that he responded pretty positively saying "hey!" and that everything was going well and that he hoped I was doing well. I responded that everything was going well but the conversation ended there. He didn't continue the conversation. So I don't know what my next move is. Figured I'd wait a few days if I do reach out again, but I don't know what to say without looking needy or that I've been dwelling on him. But on the other hand I feel like if he wanted to talk he would and that maybe I should just try to move on.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There could also be a chance that the idea of you leaving town became off putting to him, and made him uninterested in the relationship, besides the potential fact that he isn't ready for a serious relationship yet. You could try reaching out again in a week or two if he doesn't reply, and if he still does not attempt to continue the conversation or stops responding, perhaps consider moving on as it may be easier.

      Reply
  • Vivian

    Hello
    My fiance has just totally blanked me, won't answer my calls or texts, zero contact from him. We had another row last week about him not being the man I got engaged to, he's not romantic anymore and doesn't call as much, although he says he loves me. It would be two years on Monday,our anniversary. He now lives 6 hours away in a new job and new flat and I was doing to see him this weekend.He searched for me for 35 years and found me on FB. It's always me who does all the driving to see him! We've been through a lot, my mum dying and my being depressed. Now that we are through all that he's lost patience with me and has dropped me like a stone. We do argue more this last year because he has changed into a cold and selfish person, he doesnt see it that way.
    I've lent him money in the past and sent him gifts to his new flat, the relationship is 90/10 more and more with me making the first moves. He says that buying me an engagement ring should be enough? I said no I want us to talk every day as we are far apart! I do love him but he just refuses to see my point of view and to make more of an effort? It's day one of my no contact to him as I'm lost, he just won't answer me?
    Help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As you are going through no contact at this point, it would be best to ignore the fact that he isn't answering you right now and simply focus on yourself. If you felt that the relationship was heavily unbalanced in terms of effort, you going back to him at this point would only cause him to take things for granted again. You would also have to consider the fact that this may have been a character change and decrease in tolerance towards you, and whether you still want to hold on to the relationship at this point. Ultimately change only occurs when the person realizes it for himself and decides to do something about it. Otherwise, they would usually get defensive or not see it from your point of view.

      Reply
  • Anna

    I would say my situation is little different now. I have come across your website a little late. My relationship went worst in last 6 mnths. He called it off in December 2017. After that I tried everything possible to make him come back to me. I pleaded him, cried n begged him. After a point of time he did came back n started talking to me but the kind of warmth we used to share was gone off. It was my birthday 2 weeks back wen I called him up for the party so he came n pick me up from my place. The day went well. While coming back to home I asked him whether he wants thia relationship or not. He said he doesn't know but he can't stop talking to me but cannot take stand for me in front of his family. The very next day when I was showing his gifts to my mother. My mother told me call him up and ask him to meet her as she wanted to know what exactly he thinks about our relationship. My mother knows everything about us. So he came and they did had a talk. But he did not said anything because he is so afraid to take a stand for me in front of his family even though we are family friends. My mom handled it well. But then he went off , I did asked him that please pick me up from my classes tonight so that I can talk about whatever happened in my home. But he refused n said there is no such need n went to his home back. Then I thought I should text him up next day when the things are cooled down a bit. I did wrote him a WhatsApp text n even sent it. But then I saw he has already deleted my number n dint even said that he is breaking up with my basically. It's been more than 2 weeks we haven't spoke to each other. And this time I even did not tried to call him up like last time. Yesterday only I came to know about the fact that he has blocked me on WhatsApp. So now you tell me what should I exactly need to do. I know that he loves me n I do love him. I might have also done something which has hurt him. But I really want it to get better. If you can really help me out..???

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would probably be best to give him space right now, since you mentioned hurting him and him needing to consider how he feels about the relationship. You might have to mentally prepare for the breakup to become permanent for now and winning him back later on. I would also not recommend making any sudden moves right that might come across as desperate or needy to him, since he has already blocked your number, so actions like that will push him further away.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    what if the reason he broke up with me is that he doesnt want to do a long distance relationship (he had a horrible experience with someone else on that) and he said he doesnt have the capacity to go through this again. He broke it off with me almost 4 weeks ago and since then I didnt try to speak to them. In our last conversation, He said unless one of our circumstances change (a) me moving back home (b) his capacity to accept long distance increases then he doesnt want to feel committed to a long distance relationship. In your article you say have a solution to logistics which at the moment I dont, I can not move before September next year. so my question is, if we both get along absolutely fine and the logistics is the problem do you still try and contact them?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on how both parties perceive things and their willingness to adopt and work on things together. If your ex doesn't want a long distance relationship period, nothing you'd be willing to do short of moving back would change things because he's just going to remain negative towards you. Logistics is an important part of the relationship regardless of how you see it, and it wouldn't work as long as one person isn't willing to compromise.

      Reply
  • Chloe

    Hi, I have a question. My bf asked me for a break on May 20, for the first 2 weeks I kept in touch with him and during that time he invited me to his sisters graduation party (family events are a big deal in his culture). However, I ended up trying to reason with him and made myself look needy and insecure. So I stopped contacting him completely and it’s been 2 weeks. Should I still go to the grad party this weekend or not show up? (I’m friends with his sister and I RSVPd 2 weeks ago, I honestly don’t think she knows what’s going on)

    I want to get back with him eventually but I honestly see that I really needed this break too and I feel like I’m doing good for myself right now. Part of me is worried that his family will realize something is up if I don’t show and I’m afraid that could potentially jeapordize a reconciliation somehow. But the other part of me wants to show him that I’m strong enough to not show up.

    Any advice?

    Thanks so much!! :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is entirely up to you, and how you think your actions would affect the situation. Personally, I don't think it would make much of a difference whether you went or not, but since you are also friends with his sister, you could consider going as a gesture to her instead of him.

      Reply
  • Vicky

    He keeps on chatting me on WhatsApp trying to ask how I'm doing,he even calls video calls but I don't reply. Is it right? Isn't he supposed to call on phone?. Is it wright for me to inform the parents about the situation? Cos right now I'm already fed up with the whole thing. HELP

    Reply
  • Jason

    My fiance of over a year (1.5 year relationship overall) ended our relationship mostly due to problems that generated from my ex wife. We had a great relationship otherwise (we even got married on a beach 6 months after reconnecting, but never legally filed). Things were resolving with my ex wife and our interactions about a month before my fiance asked that we move out. However, it was too little too late and over the next four months our relationship worsened. We've been in contact for a month after I moved out. I did no contact for a week, about two weeks ago, and she continued to contact during that time. After I responded to contact, things have been much more different. She quit replying to I love you text and so forth. I know she met someone less than a week after I moved out (she admitted this) and have been dating. We were high school sweethearts that reconnected after 20+ years, had kids with other people and divorces. We have a special connection and while she is seeking romance and the feelings she lost by the issues my ex wife brought into our relationship. I need to take time and let her recover her feelings for me, but am not sure she will be willing to move past the other issues. She also mentioned, in her time of pain, that she may no longer be interested in raising kids again as a step parent. My kids are 5 and 9, hers are 11 and 13. There is a lot more to this, but I think this sums it up. What are my chances of winner her back from the rebound, and assuring her the issues with my ex wife will not plague a new relationship we make for ourselves?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If it was a meaningful relationship you had with her, there's always a chance of eventually winning her back, even if not in the immediate future. However, you'll have to consider her view on things as well since she has expressed not wanting to raise kids again which may indicate the kind of stance she might take on getting back together with you. There's also the issue with your ex wife and whether she will continue to disrupt your relationship supposing you win your fiance back, because if you've spent all that effort to assure your fiance that your ex-wife wouldn't be an issue and she does become one, it really would take a toll on the relationship and trust levels again.

      Reply
    • Jason

      Thanks for the response.

      My obstacles are a tall order..., her rebound does not progress too far, she takes a chance to reconnect with me sooner than later, even on a limited but exclusive basis, see the positive changes and more agreements and non disruptive behavior from my ex (my ex becoming accepting to mine and my fiance's relationship and what positive actions it has for the children), allowing her to reconnect with the love and passion she entered the relationship with, allowing for a resparked openness to having younger children into her life, as part of the relationship was founded.

      I feel the opportunities must be in this order and would need to be nurtured with progression, not regression, as you stated, or all will be lost.

      Reply
  • Okay

    My ex contacts me during NC and we spend some time together. We are back on NC because she's still confused and technically dating. Should I have asked her to stop seeing the other guy or said for her to contact me again under certain conditions? I told her I'd give it a month and we should start talking to each other as friends then let it build back from there if we want to. It seems like the most responsible thing but I worry she'll make a mistake during our break because I didn't leave her with a more promising tone. I'm not sure how I'll feel after she's slept with someone else. I feel enough guilt as it is and it could just be torture to be with her or turn her down after that.

    We broke up for various reasons(she would say I broke up with her) but had kept seeing each other in a similar way for some time. I was growing distant because I felt that she'd gotten away with something by guilting me into neglecting my desire for no contact and having us both work for a better mindset. She always needed little things and kept getting me to come back without making it official. I was bad to her after the breakup to an extent but we had spoken about our feelings and she was fixing herself. I just needed to fix myself and try to forgive her. I was learning her to appreciate her again and rearrange my priorities. We even talked about moving in together during this time not months before.

    Suddenly she changes her mind and she's gone on a date with a work friend she's interested in. I explain that this is unexpected and kind of infuriating given the circumstances. She cries with me and can only say she's sorry over the next couple of days when we talk about it. After about a week I say forget it and take some time to figure things out and that I won't be flimsy about it. I feel better about the decision after looking into these articles ironically about getting her back. Perhaps the situation is a little unique but I thought we were coming together and fixing our problems. She says she's confused now but is interested in this guy. She doesn't like that I was so distant then I tell her I've been working to get back together without showing it enough. She sees it more my way after we talk about it and she calms down. I'm wondering if she just worked up confidence in a rebound in her head to finalize the breakup and is now concerned for the guy's feelings and confused on her own. I'm not sure how serious it is. She told me a week after their first date but they've been working together for about a month. She has rejected his question of making it official. I'm calming down about the situation and I still see the value in her. I don't want her to make any mistakes and I'm of a mind that I won't appreciate it if she does by the time we speak again. I see value in myself and i know I can find someone else eventually. I just don't want us to pass this up for no reason.

    Am I in the wrong mindset to get back with her now? I'm trying to spend time with my female friends but I wouldn't say I'm dating anyone or really intend to find someone to go on a date with. I've only dated this girl and that was one of the reasons I wanted to break up after a very rocky start. It was getting much better after the breakup but we'd gone through those motions before. I'm just remembering how madly in love with me she still was after the breakup. Perhaps the prolonged breakup time was all she needed to be better and i neglected her during that time enough to make her feel like she deserved more now.

    She wanted to go on a date before I started NC and could see things more my way after we broke NC and talked. We'd talked about the guy and myself being competition before we started NC even. I read into these articles and figured it wouldn't work out. I feel like I need to start over now. It took a week to feel fine and now it's like I cheated my diet. Should I stay strong then see her in a couple of weeks and offer? Is she just too confused to be approached appropriately?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that she's confused over what to feel at this stage and under these circumstances, there probably isn't much you can do. Even if you convince her otherwise to get back together with you, as long as this decision doesn't come directly from her own heart and she still feels confused, she may eventually repeat her actions and want to explore with someone else. I would suggest only putting up an offer to remain friends, but let the rest take its natural course based on what she decides to do. If she chooses the other guy, I think it would be best that you try to move on and if the opportunity presents itself again in the future and you're still interested, the you could decide again.

      Reply
    • Okay

      Does this mean I should be moving from step 3 if I feel that I'm ready?

      Reply
    • Okay

      Nevermind. I contacted her to say I'd open communications back up and unblocked her on facebook. She added me and I saw she made the relationship facebook-official hours earlier. She seems like she misses me and is trying to play it down. After reviewing the guide it seems like I should just go back into NC. I only contacted her because I wanted to get in there before she got serious.

      Reply
    • OkayRamone

      She came over for what could have been the last time. I decided that letting her know what I felt for closure was dangerous but I had it all written out and I figure it'd be nice to know she could accept my requirements and promises for getting back even if we'd need time. I figured that I could've gotten her back if I had told her I changed my mind about seeing her for dinner before she decided to make the relationship facebook official. Turns out she says this is true, cries when I pretend for a moment I had slept with someone she was worried about but only after the breakup. She tells me she did stuff with her boyfriend as I'd already figured and I knew I blew my last chance. Even if she was damaged, I could have fixed it and we wouldn't feel this regret. We'll never get to fix this now. This isn't anyone's fault but I'm constantly telling myself I need to have more confidence in my decisions. This just happens to feel like another one of those times. I wish I would have tried fixing things before she let it get official like she just let herself get into "talking" with this guy. It's escalated and I'm quite frustrated. It's probably unhealthy to say you don't want a girl because she's done things with a guy but I can't see it that way now. To me, she just let things happen because she was in a weak state and now she isn't going to toughen up enough to make up for it. I feel that she would've for me and now she's with some guy who just wants a girlfriend because he didn't get closure from his own girlfriend. I was tending to my own happiness and I was okay with her doing things this way if she was really trying to be happy but she's just confused still. I let it happen because I didn't know how to fix it and now it's done because I couldn't figure it out even with help. Have your clients felt like this before? I can go into no contact, keep talking to this confused girl in a couple weeks, wait longer to feel like she's had long enough to process this but is going to just let it keep going because she doesn't know what she wants and wants everything, forget about it because I don't deserve the struggle. Hindsight is 20/20 and I figure I'm just waiting for the glasses. Maybe I'll forget her tomorrow. Thoughts?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she's already with her boyfriend, as mentioned before, perhaps consider moving on after everything that has happened. There's just too many knots to untie at this point and it may not even turn out well for you at the end despite all your efforts. If you're genuinely meant to be together with her, the opportunity will always present itself again down the road.

      Reply
    • RamoneOkay

      She broke NC by coming to my house after a couple of texts. She's coming to the point of admitting it's a rebound without wanting to call it that. She's had a bad experience in that position I believe. I'm not quite ready to accept everything that's happened and be rid of fear that I'd be pushing her away by having the right attitude. She seems like she's where I was a couple of weeks ago because I went on a date. She came unannounced after work as I was about to leave. She was there when I got back. She was being waited on by her current. I told her the appropriate things and sent her off. She's come by again unannounced and we talked a little. I felt she needed some advice and I didn't want to push her away but I suggest if she need some space, she let her partner know, accept his reaction, remember her impression that he was chill and trust he comes around, then go from there and do what she feels is best. I'm close to being in the right mental state so I do want what's best for her. I don't want her to be confused or struggling in a relationship she's not ready for. I feel that she'll get the space she needs and that we're closer to being back together. I'll want to start slow and perhaps maintain NC for longer than a month since it's been broken so many times and I haven't gone on a more serious date than taking a female friend out for dinner and a movie. I'll meet someone new and go out for something else soon enough and I hope we can be friends while we recover. She wants to come by tomorrow and I told her it was okay but she does know that I'm still maintaining NC so I told her it should be the last time for a little while. I want her to feel confident and that I have no part in her decisions for some time. I should have just told her no to hanging out but I'll keep it short and try to lay out the right vibe. I need to be unafraid to ask what I need of her and I need her to acknowledge some things that were wrong in our relationship. I won't put anything to heavy out there but I'll try to keep in mind that I need to stay strong and respectful and that I deserve the same from her. I'll keep you all posted.

      Reply
  • Vicky

    Actually he is my fiancee and the introduction has been done. We didnt date before the introduction.we've known ourselves for just 8months now. He suddenly told me he had dreams and his pastor told him we are not meant to be and because of that his attitude changed and stopped calling.His family isnt aware n I decided not to tell them.I called and told my parents they adviced I should call.but when I called for two consecutive days, he didn't answer And I decided to adopt the NR. After one month he chatted and asked how I'm I, I should not worry everything will b fine. He called video call but I didn't pick. After two days he texted asking y I'm ignoring his texts,I little reply.should I still go ahead with the rule ? What do I do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he continues to contact you, and you've yet to complete NC, perhaps reply to let him know that you need some space at the moment to deal with everything that has happened.

      Reply
    • Vicky

      He keeps on chatting me on WhatsApp trying to ask how I’m doing,he even do video call me on WhatsApp and messenger but I don’t reply or pick the calls Is it right? Isn’t he supposed to call on phone?. Is it wright for me to inform the parents about the situation? Cos right now I’m already fed up with the whole thing. The NCR has lasted for more than one month now and I'm confused

      Reply
  • John

    What if I don't know if she's with someone else before taking the next step after No contact? Should I investigate before texting or trying things? Because I don't think these steps can be applied for a person that is already with someone else right?
    Or I should just try things and ignore everything else?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she's already with someone else and you do want her back, even if it's eventually down the road, no contact is something you have to go through regardless. Personally, it wouldn't make a difference whether you find out if she's dating someone else or not, unless the factor of her being together with someone else would determine whether you stay or move on.

      Reply
  • Serene

    Hi, my ex and I had dated for 6years, and we broke up 1 week ago unhappily with the NC rule. I realized that I was partly to be blame and had did a lot of reflection. I be meeting my ex in 2 days and I’m thinking if I should talked to my ex about the reflections before we really start the NC rule for 1 month?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go through the issues together, and both of you come to a conclusion that you want to try to work things out together, you could always give the relationship another shot without even going into NC.

      Reply
  • Kimberly

    Hi, I enjoyed your article. It was very helpful and I agree on most points. On my case, it is different. After 7 years together, we mutually called it off. 4 months of NC ( I initiated it because I could not insist on being friends with my ex BF) On the 5th month, he sends me a text message and wants to meet up with me. Since we were in a distance relationship, he visited me for 4 days. We spent time together, but I felt it was going fast. Like we summarized everything in this article in one day. He hasn’t moved on, and he was overthinking a lot. He told me straight out that his intentions is not to get back together, but to remain as friends. And I agree too, ( for a healthy relationship). He calls it “reaching out” for me. Is this a good sign? I have been constantly reminding myself to be strong, and been talking to him to be strong and not ovethink the situation.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In general, yes him contact you would be a good sign that shows at least he is sincere about you. Whether it is just as friends or as something more is still undetermined but its a positive start in contact for now. Take it one step at a time and see how it progresses from there.

      Reply
  • Cup cake

    Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 1 year and half and we are in a distance relationship now.
    We both just break up like 2 weeks ago but we still chat normally. I was the one who broke up with him but then i realize that it was my mistake , so i chat and apologized to him but he said we can't be together anymore cuz we always fight and we don't have enough time for each other as our timezone is 6 hours difference.We both were in a serious relationship. He said he still love me but now he just want to friend. So what should i do now ? Should i be friend with him or cut off the contact with him? is a bit hard for me to be NC because we both are on a distance relationship.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC may still do both parties some good as time apart from each other and give yourself a break from whatever emotions you've been feeling recently. As to whether you should remain friends with him or cut him off is entirely up to you. If you think you're able to remain friends (whether or not you eventually hope for more is a different thing) and maintain emotional stability in the process, by all means go ahead and be friends with him.

      Reply
  • Joco

    We (both in our 40s) are weeks past no contact, but I feel like we are stuck in second gear. We have had dinner twice (casual), coffee/dessert, do the same exrecise bootcamp every week, bumped into each other at church and sat together, and one social event together but she has a heavy wall up. Basically about one time a week together. Do I go back to no contact (maybe 7- 10 days) and then address the elephant in the room with a letter (about what I've learned and that I don't want the old relationship back, etc to address her skepticism) or no contact and try again to get her to an event together again?

    Reply
  • Jake

    We are both in high school, do not share the same classes. We take part in the same extracurricular activities.*

    My ex girlfriend and I dated for a solid month before she broke up with me. We broke up because she wanted to find herself and she was going through a tough time, and the break up itself was civil with no fighting or arguing. I immediately went into no contact for 2 months. She then contacts me after a month during that period and asks if we can be friends, but then we both agreed we needed time from each other, but yes we can be friends.

    It was still within those 2 months, despite agreeing on being friends, we didn't contact each other since then and we often ignored each other when we passed by each other in the hallways. Recently about 2 weeks ago, we made eye contact, saw each other in our extracurricular activity practice after school and walked passed each other the entire time. That bothered her as she messaged me telling me that and then asking to meet up and talk.
    The summary of our talk: We caught up, agreed to still be friends, ensured we still cared about each other. Since then we haven't ignored each other, but I have taken steps to have lengthier conversations through text and wave at her when we pass each other.

    I definitely know for a fact she still cares about me and possibly loves me. So, my question is, what can I do now to increase my chances of getting back with her at this point?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like she still does have feelings for you, which is why she was affected when she saw you. I suggest continue with what you're doing to slowly build attraction again.

      Reply
  • Jack

    My ex and I dated for a month. When we broke up, we both talked about it the day after it happened and she explained that she just needed to find herself but still remain as friends (saying she doesn't want the break up to affect us negatively.). I started doing No Contact since I did want her back, and I really did help myself to keep myself busy and improve my self-care. During the No Contact, we saw each other every long once in a while since we are both in High School in between classes, but I'd pass right by her sort of ignoring her. After 2 months, she contacts me saying she wanted to talk and rebuild our friendship. She explained she was bothered by how we ignore each other and never talk anymore. She said she does care about me but she is still finding herself, and we both know we care about each other a lot. At this point I'm just letting things flow naturally, but I honestly don't know what I could do to improve our connection and hopefully get back together. (I do love her, but I only hope for the best that we can get back together, if not I won't mind us being friends at all because I do care for her :). ).

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Being friends would always work in your favor as opposed to ignoring each other regardless. Take it a step at a time, and it's good that you don't feel desperately inclined to get back together. You should maintain this attitude and slowly build the attraction again.

      Reply
  • Jay

    I met a guy we dated for 5 months, am a student so he asked me to concentrate on my studies that if have settled everything he will come back to me but he told me he has reconciled with his girlfriend he has been dating for 2 years he said he wants the best for me but he still chat me up but I don't call him or message him,the thing now is that he flaunt his ex girlfriend on social media,i still love him my friends
    said I should block him but I can't I get hurt seeing them together.. please advise me on what to do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to seriously consider the possibility to moving on. In this case, there might be a chance that you were the rebound relationship and what he felt for you could not replace his feelings for his ex, which resulted in reconciliation.

      Reply
  • Meghan

    I was friends with a guy for 3 years
    Then we kissed he said it was a mistake after I told him I like him. In few days I found that he is dating so I cut him off for good. From that time he is always trying to contact me through stupid replies on Instagram and stuff like that I don’t answer him. Today I answered with one word. He is still dating. I want him to regret what he did like fell Inlove because I want him deep inside
    What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might have to accept the likelihood that he does not love you, as you and him have only been friends thus far with the exception of one kiss, which ended the friendship altogether. If you really want him to be with you, perhaps try dating first to build up a strong romantic connection first.

      Reply
    • Meghan

      I don’t think that he is interested in dating
      He just keeps on sending me mixed signals after I completely cut him off
      The kiss didn’t just happen,we used to go out as friends for one week and it. Was very flirty
      His kiss was planned
      I am sure 100% from the eye it happened
      That’s why I am really confused
      What should I do?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he has no interest in dating, then it probably would not work since he won't be willing to date you in the first place. Winning back a person requires having to have had a relationship with that person, as its the memories and moments through the relationship with you that would make him want to come back. If there was no relationship in the first place, you would actually have to build that up first, and give him a reason to come back to you.

      Reply
  • shifa

    so in my no conact phase should i block my ex from everywhwere or should i unblock him and upload good and happy photos so that he understand that there is no change in my life ....

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should not block him and aim to make positive changes to your life, while subtly showing off these changes on social media so that he sees it and that may cause him to think of you.

      Reply
  • josh

    My girlfriend and I are from diferrent countries. we were forced to have distance relationship for a while but we had bigger plan to live together me to go where she was. The last month of distance we has a big misunderstood and she told me not to go there it ll be better for me to stay at my country and found more work options. I went to her place and she tried to push me awa she was cold to me and she told me she had to. This created lots of arguments.Eventually we were again good and i went to my country for christmas.After two weeks of holidays i told her i m excited to go back and found a new job at her town better one.She told me we break up again.I went there again, and we fight a lot.At my way back she told me she still loves me but we have to break up.I went to my country and we continue to share camera and texts and phone calls.After sometime she tells me we have to cut all of contact for a while cause she feels i can t accept situation we argued again but i couldn t do anything.I texted her every week.Sometimes she was warm and caring others she was cold or reply after long time and tellin me shes still angry for some things or not reply at all.After she didn t reply me i decided it was meaningless and best way is to give time. I ve been doing non contact for a month so far.I was trying to apologise to her for my part of fault but she wasn t listen and she was saying now it changes nothing..

    what should be my next move? leave more time? or trying to approach her now to see how she is

    thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since it has been a month, you could always contact her and based on her response towards you and the fact that this it is a long distanced relationship, if her response remains negative, you might want to consider moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    I dated a man for 5 months. We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed everything we did together. A couple weeks ago he wanted to go exclusive and I said, “No.” I felt I still needed a sense of freedom to be just me and be able to date others if compelled (I ended a 10 year relationship a year and half ago.) I told him I like him a lot, he wasn’t “casual” for me yet an exploratation into a long term partner yet I wasn’t ready yet to be exclusive.

    A few days ago he respectfully broke it off saying it’d be excruciatingly painful to date me knowing I may be dating others. We cancelled our weekend plans, a party we were planning together, my birthday celebration... he said normally he doesn’t keep people he’s dated as friends, but wants for us to remain friends. I asked if he wanted a period of NC and he said 2 weeks would be long enough (he didn’t feel we needed months of a transition period to friendship.) I agreed and told him I’d leave it to him to reinitiate contact in a couple weeks. (He did not return a bunch of things I have at his house at the end of our conversation.)

    I’ve been extraordinarily sad. NC is very difficult. I miss him. NC has put into perspective that I do have strong feelings for him and that I e allowed my fear to keep me from going “all in” with him. I fear I’ve lost him.

    Requesting feedback on this situation, please.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be honest, if this NC period has shown you how much he means to you, you could always let him know since he only ended things because he felt you didn't want to get serious with him. Communicate your feelings across and see how things work out from there.

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Thank you. Should I respect the NC time or get in touch sooner? (And what is your PayPal addy? I’d like to compensate you for your advice.)

      Reply
    • Sarah

      Well, I communicated my feelings but he was still a No for getting back together. He said he couldn’t get the feelings back (a bit more to the story is during our 5 months of dating, he actually thought we already were exclusive. But I did not because we hadn’t ever discussed it. Although I hadn’t dated anyone else during that time, I did spend time w my male friends. He felt a betrayal of trust because of that and especially when I said I didn’t want exclusivity with him.) He still wanted to be friends, but I told him No because once he starts dating someone else he’d stop the friendship with me. It’s been almost a month since that conversation. We’ve had NC. Id like to hold hope for reconciliation but I fear he’s moved on. He was very decided that we could not move forward...

      Reply
  • Daina

    My ex, he was so sweet in the begining of the relationship ,we talk and discuss about future and stuff.But then we had lot of fights,we were on n off lyk a 100 tyms,usually i breakup then he comes back and things goes back to normal,but for a few months he was cold,he talks only when he misses me.Else there is no reply even when i would want to talk.One day when we were talking,he says he isn sure about this.So i move out and there was no defense from his side n no pacification.Then he comes back and says he wants to be friends and needs some to talk to.But i am following NC.Will that work

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Avoid using breaking up as the first ultimatum in the future because this often tends to happen where your partner gets immune to it after awhile and it may eventually not matter to him at all. NC may help him to genuinely start missing you, but it could also lead to him walking away thinking it is one of your 'patterns' like before. It would really depend on how much he valued the relationship, and where he stands on the relationship now.

      Reply
  • Sara

    My boyfriend broke up with me after an almost 2 years long relationship because he Could not fall in love with me. He liked me a lot and We had a great relationship with zero fight and with lot of beautiful memories but he couldn’t love me. He broke up in the end of March and I started No contact from april 15 after I tried to make him to change his mind (I know, it was wrong and I shouldn’t beg him). He hasn’t reach out and I have the feeling that he has already a new girl friend. Should I ever contact him? Is there any hope? Should I give up him because he doesn’t love me? I feel so bad so I wish to die! I love him and I miss him so badly. Please give me your best tip!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC until the end, and consider your options again. If you still have feelings for him, then initiate contact with him and see how he responds to you.

      Reply
  • MyNewChapter

    Hey,
    so about 3 weeks ago I and my girlfriend broke up over text. I'm still a teenager but I love her a lot. I see her regularly in high school since we have a couple classes together. 3 weeks ago she told me that she felt that we rushed things and that she felt we should've been friends longer. She also told me that she felt that I didn't understand her. Since then I've been doing the no contact period(its been about 2 weeks now) and I've been going through some mental changes. I felt that I may have been a little insecure about her since I asked her many times if she really liked me or not. Anyhow, I've been restoring my self-confidence now and I feel that I've really changed. I really would just like some advice from you guys. I think I understand what I have to do now though.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with building your confidence and positive changes, and if you still want her back after NC, then you could always try to initiate contact again.

      Reply
  • IsThereHope?

    Hi!

    About 2 months ago my ex girlfriend wasn't sure about us 'cause I hurt her, saying that she needs space. I didn't give it to her, thinkin' that I'll lose her forever... then I acted needy, I begged, I pleaded for a couple of weeks for an another chance to prove her wrong. But then she really wanted to give me that chance, she ended in overanalyzing things sayin' that I'm incapable of change, that my words doesn't match my actions and she doesn't believe in me/us anymore. At first, she was reluctant, saying that "perhaps when we fix ourselves/problems we can be something again"; "there's light chance that we will be together again in the future", "maybe she'll regret her choice about leaving", but along the way as I acted needy and all that for a couple of a weeks, she started saying that "she doesn't want to see me anymore". "That it's done for all". "That she had to realise before that I can't change"... and other stuff (I made mistakes acting needy). And on our last encounter, I said that if she wants to go, I'll let her... then she hugged me and kissed me for the last time, and in that night she sent me some pictures about her grades... That was the last time when I talked to her. Then, I was thinkin' to do the no-contact for myself and I get it through. During the no-contact, I accidentally met her 2 times in one day, it can't be helped... 'cause we attend the same university. She didn't said anything to me, slightly looked at me, then she walked past me; I didn't said anything, either. After doing no-contact/radio silence for the past 30 days (she didn't contact me at all during this time), I've really matured some way... I have somewhat a different mindset.

    With the hope of trying to reconnect with her, today I sent her "the elephant in the room text "Hi, while I was with my friends eating some ice cream made me think of you. I just wanted to apoligize for my behaviour "over those past days". I was emotional and I wasn’t myself. I think that the breakup at that time was a right choice. I started to rediscover all that I have forgot, my qualities, my values, my standards, self-esteem, my dreams and what’s really matters in life. And, I started to do some new really interesting stuff! I hope you’re doing well!"

    As I sent her the message on facebook, I saw that she only "seen" the message, but she hasn't replied. I should wait and try again? Or I should lose hope?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps wait for a couple of days, since she might not know what to say or reply at this point. It could also still be too soon, and she feels negatively towards you. Try again in a week or two if she does not reply, before considering the option that she may not be ready to talk to you yet, in which case you could either wait or walk away.

      Reply
  • Wanderlust

    I love your page! My ex and I dated almost a year, rarely fought, and our friends/family supported the relationship. Before the one year mark he started pulling away, we talked about it and agreed to work on it, however a week later he said it wasnt worth trying because he didn't love me anymore. His decision to break up occurred over a 4 day period. I was very upset, but there wasn't a fight nor did i beg him to come back. Afterwards he checked in the following day and then I had my no contact period of a month. He never reached out, but liked my new FB pic and was watching my stories. After 3 weeks, he unfriended me from FB even though he keeps his other exes on it. I had not liked nor commented on his page nor had i done any negative posts. I followed your rules! He also removed me from a subscription service that same weekend, so I would not have access to it. I sent my first text this week and he responded friendly to it and I plan to send another one 3 days later. My questions are twofold: What would motivate him to unfriend me on FB and remove my access to the subscription service? There had been no negative interactions and no contact for 3 weeks when he did that. Second, assuming he continues to respond to my texts, how do i know it's time to escalate to a call? Also, he doesn't like talking on the phone. Should i jump to a meeting in person instead of a call? I have things to get back and give him, but don't want to mention that yet bc it's quite transactional. However, would that be a good way to see him? I'm hoping i have a good chance at reigniting his feelings bc we were really good together. Thank you for all of your advice. Your page and youtube videos have helped me immensely!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He might have blocked you off and removed your access because coming across your profile or things that reminded him of you may have been affecting him more than you think. To answer your second question, start to build a friendly relationship with him through texts first and if he's responding positively and frequently, if he really doesn't like phone calls, perhaps if things feel comfortable enough, initiate a meetup over coffee or something to catch up.

      Reply
  • Hannah

    my boyfriend broke up with me after feeling like he wasnt ready for a relationship. I was heartborken and "tried" my best to tell him we were perfect together after that i saw sence and started no contact 2 weeks in he contacted me just asking if i had been okay and i was possitive and said im good and just asked how he was and his family and to have a great weekend. after that i never contacted him and still havnt yet its been around 3 weeks no contact. When is best to make a move and any ideas what i could say to start things off?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could have a look at our main website's article or this one for things to do after no contact and when would be the best time to initiate it.

      Reply
  • Jonathon Folz

    My ex and i have been together for over 5 years. The first few years were amazing. However over the last 1 or 2 she has broken up with me several times for not feeling like i would commit as well as feeling neglected and that i was drinking too much. I was always so focused on getting her back that i only changed for a week or so and never actually changed for me. We moved in and lived together for about a month until she broke up with me again for the same reasons for the most part. The first week or two i spent begging and pushing her away she also blocked me on social media. I have now done no contact for about a week amd am actually making the necessary changes for me. Befor i entered no contact she said she was done and wanted to move on and stuff, i guess she wouldnt have left me if that wasn't the case. I am shooting for 30 days of no contact. Any advice or positive words would help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hang in there. There's always a chance since the key issue was your issue with neglecting her and drinking too much. You might want to consider spending this time working on those issues since they would assist you in winning her back when the time comes.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Ok so here's my situation. Me and my ex broke up a month and a half ago and I have been doing no contact for 3 weeks now and I'm almost finished my fourth and final week. During the 3rd week of no contact my ex tried to reach out to me 3 times, each time cleverly asking questions that I was obliged to answer because I was the only one who could, then trying to go off onto a different topic. One of the times she even went off to ask if I was upset with her (to which I answered no). I answered all of her questions (after at least 4 hours of letting it sit) and respectfully avoided any of her other attempts to have a conversation. However, I did technically break the no contact rule in answering these questions and I was wondering if I need to restart my no contact or if I should just continue with the one I am currently in?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just finish up the remaining period of no contact since she was the one who initiated contact with you, so technically it wasn't you who broke it.

      Reply
  • Karma

    Hi,my ex boyfriend broke up with me in less than two months just because we barely see each other and we rarely talk much. So far I've been doing the no contact for one week now ,is there any possibilities I will get him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how serious the relationship was, but the fact that you barely see each other or talk at all might mean that he would find it easier to let go of it than to hold on.

      Reply
  • hayley

    my ex boyfriend and i split up 3 weeks ago. within the first week i begged and cried and after two weeks i ended up sending a messaging about how much i miss him and how good i was for him, he replied and said he doesn’t want to talk and that he’s over me. now we’ve been broken up for 3 weeks and i’ve being doing no contact for over a week now. we were together 14 months until he had to move away four hours to university, im 17 and he is 19. we fought a lot before he moved. we were each other's first everything and had a loving relationship. i’m going to finish no contact but i have no clue what message to send him to start off with. any ideas?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always start with something casual, either a random topic of how something you saw the other day reminded you of him and you just wanted to check on how he's been the past couple of weeks since the break up, before eventually addressing the breakup itself and acknowledging your flaws as well as the breakup itself.

      Reply
  • Emma

    Hi there, I need some advice. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago (he was afraid of the next step). I've been doing NC for about 2 weeks. He wants to talk to me, and I'm worried that it's for him to get closure or clear his conscience. I'm also worried that if he sees me doing well he will think that the break up was a good thing and will leave it this way. I'm not sure how to approach this. I'm 30, we were together for about 2.5 years. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Humans don't usually have a naturally selfless mindset especially in a relationship, and think the breakup was a good thing upon seeing how well you're doing. It's usually the opposite, and they start to wonder if they made a mistake in leaving because your ex was ultimately once in love with you. Seeing how well you are, and in no way reminding him of the past (all the bitter memories leading to the breakup) can easily come across as attractive to your ex.

      Reply
    • Emma

      Thank you, Ryan, you've been helpful.

      Reply
  • Dave

    Two weeks ago today my fiancee broke off our engagement.
    In the last month before the breakup, she was very often asking me with more frustration, why wasn't I listening or understanding what she was telling me.
    Unfortunately I never had the right answer or I'd tell her things would improve. When they didn't her anger and frustration increased till she finally had enough and declared it to be over.
    Before and after the breakup, I was constantly beating myself up because admittedly I wasn't listening to her and I almost convinced myself that I had become a selfish narcissist.
    Almost a week later I set an appointment with a hearing specialist because I had been wanting to do so and had sometime on my hands. About 5 years ago I was given a very basic hearing test and was told that I had some hearing loss in my left ear but not to worry about it.
    The results were very disturbing. I have a significant to profound hearing loss in both ears. But the right ear which the left side of our brains uses to understand and process voice and sounds is worse.
    The worse part is that I can't hear to well or process many high frequencies for example, the pitch in a woman's voice, things she might say or think I was listening to or many other things which have high frequencies.
    I now have hearing aids at the age of 54. Will be in a long process of retraining my ears and brain to actually listen and understand what others are saying to me and how to respond back without sounding frustrated or won't have to keep asking people to repeat things over.
    Bottom line is I really would like to have back the lady I fell in love with and who fell in love with me.
    Am willing to do whatever it takes to improve my communication skills because now I know that it wasn't just my insecurities that caused the breakup. Feel that my lack of hearing caused many of my insecurities.
    Is having a hearing disability enough for someone to forgive another and start again fresh one day?
    Would appreciate any advice.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how serious the relationship was, and how much you meant to her too. If she saw a future in you, she should accept that your lack of listening to what she said wasn't because you didn't care but from an actual disability. You could have an honest chat with her, and tell her how you feel as well as the issues you've been facing and see if she's willing to give things a second chance.

      Reply
  • BC

    My ex and I went on a break about a month ago (her suggestion). We both broke the NC rule fairly quickly and saw each other once or twice during that month. Still, we both tried somewhat to stick to the NC rule, contacting one another only after not having spoken for a few days at a time (I see now that that shouldn't have been allowed). After the month duration she decided that we shouldn't get back together. Something inside her was missing (she thinks somethings wrong with her for it) and preventing her from giving me the full 100%. That it wasn't fair to me, that I deserved to have the 100% that I had been giving her. I get, and also now want, a legit NC period for my own self growth as there are things I've come to realize that I need to be better aware of myself in a relationship. I also agree that I want someone who knows they want 100% to be with me as I've chosen to be with them. I'll be meeting up with her this weekend to give back things/pickup things (clothing, etc.) and here in lies my question. We're giving back/returning to one another all of each others things aside from gifts, etc. but she's already specifically said that there is a shirt of mine that she really wants to keep. I know it reminds her of me (there was a time when she would continuously give it back to me to wash so that it would continue to smell like me) and she only ever sleeps in it. I haven't worn it in over a year as it's always been much more her shirt than mine and I've actually enjoyed that she wants to wear it to be close to me. I still want what's best for her and for her to be happy (she hate's herself for all this right now, she thinks I'm perfect and that there should be no reason she cant be there 100% emotionally). I want her to heal/love herself but would love to eventually get her back in the future. We'd been together over a year and she's the only one I've ever seen a legit future with. What I want to know is if, from a standpoint of strategy/intent/to make a point/etc., is that something that I should allow her to keep or should I take it back with the others? Would it be beneficial in the long run for us if she were to keep it as something that reminded her of me, of us, etc? Appreciate the feedback, thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes it probably would be beneficial. As opposed to cleanly severing all ties with you and returning everything back, letting her keep the t-shirt may remind her of you from time to time, so she doesn't truly forget you and it gives her the opportunity to think of you, and to increase your chances down the road if you were to consider something again.

      Reply
  • James

    Hi all,
    Me and my ex broke up just after Christmas,after the usual b.s. i applied no contact, after the month i tested saying i was accepting of the break up, was a Mac mass before and after, have been bettering myself and maybe if right we could catch up.
    Rewind to the previous day, I'd just been sacked and four days earlier my ex wife(not current ex) moved my kids away.To cut a long story short, I accidentally met my current ex at the hospital.She said hello, rubbed my arm, not knowing i was a patient but out of sympathy for my job loss.We talked, I told her part of me wanted to be with her but I was willing to go for a coffee and chat sometime, we had a few jokes, I ended the conversation and then asked should i text about meeting or her, she said she would. Have i lost ground here.
    P.S. the next day a mutual friend asked if my ex could get some things for me from my house,I agreed, and she did, we spoke and joked but kept it short.
    Thanks in advance,James.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should take a step back for now, and let things unfold on its own. Take some time and effort to find a new job, and stabilize your situation before you try contacting your ex again.

      Reply
  • Rosie

    I just had a really bad break up after 3.5 years. I moved into my boyfriends’ house and and the end he took me to court and evicted me. He was very vindictive and cold. I just moved a few days ago and now he’s crying and saying sorry and acknowledging all the mistakes he has made. During our relationship he has never acknowledged his mistakes and blamed me for the whole thing. He left a really big wound. He got on tinder months before I moved and began dating now he’s seeing someone. I saw him with her and confronted him and he insulted me. I almost ended up at the hospital

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're better off walking away from this to be fair to yourself because of how poorly he had treated you. If he never acknowledged his mistakes in the past and suddenly does so, it simply means he does not want to face the reality that the relationship is over and is simply finding comfort, which is probably why he is also dating someone from Tinder.

      Reply
  • AshleyJ

    Hey, sorry for the repost but my message seems to get lost among other comments.
    So NC ended last week and then its was my ex’s bday so I wished him happy bday and all the best for the holiday season. He immediately answered and also sent a text of the type you recommend as first contact, like you won’t believe what I just did. We talked about what he did (smg we used to talk about), he actually went into great detail and I just reacted and then he asked me how I was. I sent an upbeat but generic answer about being busy with wrapping gifts with my lil sister and asked how he was doing. No answer since then. I am so confused.

    Reply
  • Ellen

    Hi, a quick introduction into my past relationship. Some people might call me the rebound relationship of my ex because he was only single for couple of months after a really long relationship (8y). Of course I believe we were a whole lot more than that! Not only did we match very well (on almost everything), we were already planning a future after a few months toghether (not only in beautiful words via text, but in real life) and kept our relationship serene for everyone involved without hiding it. I was single for over 3y before this, and my life was great even before I met him. Being togheter is far from the easiest option, but I really believe this is something worth fighting for. He broke up with me because he needed some time and space for his own problems, even though he also still believed in us. I know for sure he does not want to get back with his previous ex, but he does still need time (trying to sell the house he is still living in alone, lost a lot of friends throughout that break-up and stuff like that) and get rid of the fear that this might not turn out as beautiful as we imagined it. We messaged a bit after our break-up and I tried to still be there for him. But I know he will get used to it and only talks back when it soothes him. So I am trying to hold on to the NC with my ex. But I know he has a really big jobinterview coming up and a very lonely new years eve. I wanna hold on to the NC, and give us both some space. But I know he will contact me and I also don't want him to feel like he really lost everything and is all alone.. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You have to understand that although you want to be there for him and he's in a bad situation, that you're not his savior or responsible for picking up the pieces in his life. You should keep in mind that there is a likelihood that you were a rebound (whether he even realized it or not) - one of the signs is the relationship progressing too fast and too perfectly before suddenly ending without major reasons. I suggest thinking this through first before deciding on your next course of plan.

      Reply
    • Ellen

      Thank you for your quick reaction! Fair enough, I see your point. But that is one thing a NC period can give a definite answer to, no? He can as well realize what this really meant for him, while preparing myself for better things to come, with or without him.

      Reply
  • Alexandre

    We dated for five years and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me so I broke it off with him. I know he still loves me and I do too. What could I possibly do to not let 5 years go down the drain

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and that you want to settle down, and see how you guys can work things out from there.

      Reply
  • Kate Karls

    I did no contact for a month and then slowly started texting my ex. I was upbeat positive; used the good memory texts, respected his space and slowly increase the frequency. Then all the sudden tonight he stopped answering for about five hours and I got pretty hurt. I sent him a few unanswered (but not angry!) texts; I ended with a text saying I’m sorry I was just happy and when I feel happy I want to share it with you. He responded hours later with just “ok.” And then wouldn’t answer anything else. I felt like it was a slap in the face, it would have been better if he hadn’t said anything, I would have been okay with that. But just the cold OK made me go nuts. Not nuts but I immediately started crying and sent him several unanswered texts and called him three times; of course he didn’t pick up the phone or answer me. I feel like I just blew everything I was working towards with just simpleOK”. I did no contact for over 30 days and I was doing everything right and I just blew it all. Now I’m sitting on the stairs crying,and it’s late,and I don’t know what to do or if I even still have a chance with him. Is There anything else I should do or should I just give up.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Kate,

      Hang in there. If you feel this way, it means NC did not work because the goal of NC is for you to pick yourself up from everything and become stronger than before. I would suggest going back to NC for a longer period, and not to harbor any hopes or expectations in the mean time. Just focus entirely on yourself and not on him. Everything will eventually work out, even if we make mistakes from time to time.

      Reply
  • Jeremi

    Hi. What kind of message should i send her after doing no contact for a month? A apology text first? If yes, how should i write it. Since i have been kinda annoying to her by asking her why is she ignoring me a few days before no contact

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could have a read through this article to assist you on how to text her back.

      Reply
    • Jeremi

      Thanks, done reading those. I want to know the reason why is she ignoring, how can i find out about that? actually should i find it out or better not?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Have you completed NC yet? If you haven't, do so first before considering any contact with her. To answer your question, is it honestly important to know why she was ignoring you? Would it make a difference to the situation? If you said in your earlier comment that you were annoying towards her, it could be that she didn't feel obliged to reply you, and by asking her for a reason why she ignored you may end up annoying her further.

      Reply
    • Jeremi

      Ongoing NC. I understand now, thank you very much sir!

      Reply
  • Lindsay

    My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago and it didn't end well. I sent the email and then follow up with a text after 5 months of no contact. I haven't heard back from either. Am I done? I just find it strange not to respond at all.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Lindsay,

      If he doesn't respond, there isn't much you can do. You can try again after a month. Choose a different medium and different content in your message. If there is still no response, then cut your losses and move on.

      Reply
  • Rey

    Hi. My gf and I broke up a little over a week ago and I've been doing the no contact rule for the past 5 days. Well tonight my gf just messaged me on facebook asking if I was around the area. I think she wants to meet up and talk. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do you feel like you're ready to meet her yet? Depending on the situation of the breakup, I would say to stick with the NC and not meet her until you're certain that you can handle it emotionally, but in every case, you know yourself best.

      Reply

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