So, you have almost finished the no contact rule and you still want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend back.
It was hard at first. But somehow you managed to go 2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days or several months without contacting your ex.
You have even taken steps to improve yourself and become a better version of you. You are wondering what you should do after no contact because you still want your ex back and you really don’t want to lose him or her.
Congratulations! You have made it through one of the hardest phases of getting your ex girlfriend or your ex boyfriend back. Unfortunately, the part up ahead can be just as hard, if not harder.
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Moving forward, you need to have the right attitude and the right mindset. You should have the right skills and tools at your disposal. And most importantly, you should have a plan.
In this article, I am going to list out 5 essential things you must do after no contact. I say essential because it’s very important you do them if you want your ex back permanently. After all, what’s the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
What You Do After No Contact Is Very Important If You Want Your Ex Back
What happens immediately after a breakup is usually a reaction. A reaction that comes out of instincts, neediness, desperation, immaturity and sometimes a power struggle.
But once you are done with no contact, things are different. In most cases, the neediness, panic, and desperation has faded away by now. What you do after no contact is important because this is the time when everything and everyone will show their true face. If you make any mistakes now, you can’t just chalk it up on post breakup panic.
What you do after the no contact rule can either help you both get back together and end up in a great relationship; or it can confirm that breaking up was the right decision.
To be honest, there is no way to know for sure what will happen in your particular case.
But if you play your cards right, make the right moves at the right time, you can increase the chances of ending up in a new and awesome relationship with your ex instead of losing him or her forever.
Alright, now that we have established why your actions at this point are important, let’s discuss exactly what you should do after no contact to get your ex back in a healthy and awesome relationship.
Table of Content
- 1. Have The Right Mindset
- 2. Have The Right Tools and Skills
- 3. Make The First Move After No Contact
- 4. Escalate and Build Attraction and Connection
- 5. Be Willing To Have Difficult Conversations
Essential #1: Have the Right Mindset
Having the right mindset is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of getting your ex back. And it’s something that a lot of people overlook. I know this because I have gone through thousands of cases of people trying to get back together in my eleven years of experience as a breakup coach. (Read more about me and my experience here.)
So, if your instinct is to scroll down and move on to the second part of this article …. think again. Having the right mindset is important. And if you don’t get this right, I can almost guarantee you will not succeed in getting your ex back in a healthy relationship.
OK Kevin, What’s The Right Mindset for Getting Your Ex Back?
When it comes to love, there are two types of people in the world. People with the scarcity mindset. And people with the abundance mindset.
If you have a scarcity mindset. You are always afraid of losing what you have because you believe there is not enough of it. You believe if you lose the person you love, you will never find love again. You may feel the same way about happiness, about wealth, or even about your health.
This is why people with the scarcity mindset always take action out of fear. Out of fear of losing the person they love.
Fear, is the greatest relationship killer of all time. The second most popular relationship killers (Facebook and social media) are far behind it. Fear has so many titles under it’s belt; no one can even come close to challenging it. Here are some of the titles Fear displays in its hall of fame
- Destroying relationships through insecurity
- Destroying relationships through jealousy
- Destroying relationships through anger
- Destroying relationships through heated arguments and miscommunication
- Destroying relationships through neediness and desperation
The point is, fear kills relationships. And if it’s something that destroys relationships, it’s certainly not something that will help you reconcile and start a healthy relationship with your ex.
This is why you must adopt the abundance mindset.
People who have the abundance mindset believe there is unlimited love and happiness in the world. They are not afraid to run out of love and happiness because they know that there is more waiting right around the corner.
Wait, are these the type of people who go around breaking everyone’s heart because they are always looking for new people to love?
The answer is no. In fact, people like that are also acting out of fear. They are afraid of commitment. They are afraid of facing the deep psychological issues that makes them afraid of commitment.
People with abundance mindset are not afraid of losing their loved ones because they know they can always find love again. They are not afraid of being sad or hurt because they know they can find happiness again.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care about losing the person they love.
They don’t want to lose their loved ones. They don’t want to go through a heartbreak and the pain that comes with grief.
No one wants that.
But the key difference between people with abundance mindset and scarcity mindset is the fact that they don’t act out of fear.
Instead, they act out of love, honesty and understanding. When you take fear out of the equation, it gets kind of easy to start and maintain a healthy relationship with a person of your choice.
When you are going to end no contact, you must be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for everything that might happen. And you mustn’t let fear dictate your actions and behavior.
For example, suppose you reach out to your ex via text. You get a negative response or you don’t receive a reply from your ex. At this point, you must make a choice and figure out your next course of action. The choice you make will depend on your mindset.
- Scarcity Mindset: Your mind panics and you start trying to figure out what it means. You are scared that your ex has moved on completely and you feel sick to your stomach. Your mind races constantly trying to figure out what you should do because you are terrified of losing your ex forever. You panic more and you text them again. You somehow manage to control yourself for another 5 hours and you can’t take it anymore. You call your ex only to find out they are not picking up your calls either.
- Abundance Mindset: You may still panic. After all, the thought of losing your ex forever is scary. But you decide to not let this panicked state of mind dictate your actions. You refuse to let fear control your life. Instead, you decide to stick to your plan. If your ex doesn’t reply or give you a negative reply, you just give them more space. You do no contact again for a couple of weeks before trying again. And you remind yourself that there was always a chance this might happen and it’s still OK. You are still going to be fine and you are still going to find the love and happiness you deserve.
See how different mindset leads to different reactions?
Having an abundance mindset does not necessarily mean you will stop feeling all those crazy emotions that have been programmed into your brain (your instincts). It means to feel those emotions and still decide to not let them control your actions.
Having the right mindset will help you in every step of the way. A lot of times, you will have to choose between
- Reacting out of fear; or
- Being honest, communicate effectively and show love.
I recommend you show love.
By the way, did I tell you about the all time champion duo of keeping a relationship alive, healthy and thriving?
- Ask yourself, are you emotionally and mentally ready to contact your ex?
- Have you accepted that there are endless possibilities to find love and happiness in this world?
- Do you think that you can love someone other than your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend?
If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you are not yet ready to end no contact.
Common Mistakes To Avoid:
1. Don’t be in a rush to end no contact fearing that your ex will move on. Even if you have completed 1 week, 2 weeks, 30 days, or 60 days of no contact. If you feel you are not ready and you need more time to heal, extend the no contact period for a couple of weeks more. Instead of ending no contact out of the FEAR of losing your ex, extend no contact out of LOVE for your own mental and emotional well-being. (Read: The No Contact Rule and How Long You Should Do It)
2. Don’t start a rebound relationship with someone just to make your ex jealous or to force yourself to move on from your ex. It’s not healthy for you and it’s probably not fair to the person you are starting a rebound relationship with. (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships)
Essential #2 Have the Right Tools and Skills
You may have the right mindset, but it’s not always enough to get your ex back. After all, you and your ex broke up for a reason. Something in your relationship was broken and you probably need the right tools and skills to fix it.
Your old relationship is dead. If you and your ex get back together, it’s going to be a new relationship. But there is a good chance the old issues you had in the relationship will rise again. And this is probably one of the biggest hurdle your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend has in their mind.
Your ex may have thoughts like,
“We always fought. If we get back together, things will be fine for a while and then we will fight again.”
“I loved my ex. But I did not feel the same way about him/her during the end of the relationship. I guess I just don’t find them attractive anymore.”
“I just don’t think I connect with my ex anymore. It’s like we are different people.”
All these doubts in your ex’s mind can be tackled if you have the right tools and skills to SHOW them things will be different this time. It’s important that you show them that you are capable of making changes instead of just telling them that you can.
This is why you need the right skills and tools when you are tackling these doubts.
Here are some of the examples of tools and skills that usually make or break a relationship.
It’s an essential skill that everyone should learn. Every couple argues. But the difference between couples who thrive and couples who fall apart is effective communication. If you can learn how to communicate with your partner effectively, you can turn your new relationship with your ex into something beautiful.
How to communicate effectively in a relationship is beyond the scope of this article. But here are some resources that will help.
– Non – Violent Communications by Marshall B. Rosenberg. – An excellent book on effective communications. I highly recommend this to all my clients. Seriously, reading this book will make you a pro at handling conflict.
– Improving Communication Skills – An interesting article which teaches basics of effective communication.
– Effective Communication during a conflict – An article that teaches how to communicate effectively during a conflict.
Of course, none of the above resources will teach you specifically how to communicate with your ex during a conflict. The best way to learn how to resolve conflicts with an ex and how to tackle the doubts they may have about getting back together is by getting the EBP Advanced System. It’s an online course that teaches you the skills you need to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.
Being confident in yourself is one of the most attractive traits anyone can have. Think about it for a moment. Your ex is definitely attracted to you physically. If they weren’t, they would never have started a relationship with you in the first place. But a lot of people lose their confidence during the course of a relationship. They start displaying lack of confidence through insecurity, neediness or desperation. If your ex lost attraction to you during the course of your relationship, there’s a good chance it was due to lack of confidence.
Luckily, you can rebuild your confidence again. One of the fastest way to do so is by getting therapy and accepting yourself. You can also choose to read some books on building your self confidence. Here’s one book that I recommend for building your self-esteem.
If you suffer from anxiety, then check out “The Overcoming Anxiety” course that comes as a bonus with the EBP Advanced System.
Having a solution for the logistics
A lot of times, couples break up due to circumstances. Sometimes, due to distance, due to lack of time, or due to a lack of efforts.
In most cases, your ex will not consider getting back with you unless the circumstances have changed or you can SHOW them a solution for the problem that the circumstances created.
For example, suppose your relationship with your ex deteriorated because you were too much focused on your new business venture and you didn’t have time to spend with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. If that’s the case, you must be able to SHOW your ex that you have learned to manage your time effectively and have set your priorities straight.
A simple way of showing them this is by using the extra time to do other activities that help you grow like going to the gym, pursuing a hobby, meeting a therapist etc. By showing them that you are spending time on things other than your business, you are showing them that the circumstances and your priorities have changed and by extension, things will be different when you get back together.
1. Before contacting your ex, you should have improved in at least two of the following:
- Your Confidence Level
- Your Communication Skills
- Managing Your Anxiety
- Your Career
- Your Time Management Skills
- Your Passion
2. Figure out if you can fix the issues that lead to the breakup in the first place. (Read: Should You Even Try To Get Your Ex Back? Is It Worth The Effort?)
Essential #3 Make the first Move After No Contact
A lot of people feel that no contact is a rule that will make your ex want you back. That your ex will come back if you just stop contacting them for a while.
But isn’t No Contact enough to get your ex back?
The No Contact Rule alone will not be enough to get your ex back. Sure, it can make your ex miss you. It can even make them doubt the breakup. But unless someone initiates contact, you and your ex will not get back together.
A lot of people resist towards the idea of making the first move. Here are some of things I hear from my readers.
- “Wouldn’t contacting my ex show that I am weak?”
- “I want him to contact me first. I don’t want to look like I am chasing him.”
- “I don’t want my ex to have the upper hand. If I contact her first, she will have the upper hand.”
- “I want him to think that he is chasing me, instead of me chasing him.”
- “I don’t want to look insecure in front of my ex. Wasn’t she supposed to contact me after no contact?”
If you think the same way, I want you to go back to the first and second part of this article and read them again. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you must not let fear dictate your actions.
There are two major concerns here. Not wanting to look needy and wanting to have the upper hand (power and control over the situation). And if you think about it, both these concerns are a by-product of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of losing control or the fear of losing the power over your ex.
But if you remove the fear from the equation, and you are sure that you can have a healthy relationship with your ex, doesn’t it makes sense to reach out to your ex? What have you got to lose from reaching out if you have healed enough and have the right mindset?
Let’s look at why some people don’t want to initiate contact with an ex after no contact.
Not looking needy in front of your ex
It’s true that if you keep contacting your ex after a breakup, it makes you look needy, insecure and desperate. In fact, it’s one of the deadly mistake I talk about in this article on getting your ex back.
But things are very different after no contact. Especially if you have made a lot of changes in yourself. If you have acquired the right mindset, the right tools, the right skills to approach this situation; then contacting your ex will not come off as needy.
Consider the following attitude of someone who wants their ex back:
“I want my ex back at any costs. This is my last chance and I want to do everything perfectly. I don’t want to lose my ex because my life is miserable without him/her.”
If this is your mindset right now and you contact your ex, then there is a good chance you will come off as needy. Even if you use the right text messages to contact your ex and you somehow fake it, your ex will eventually figure out what’s really going on inside you and will end up ignoring you or even blocking you.
On the other hand, consider this attitude:
“I want to contact my ex because I truly believe that we can start a new beautiful relationship. I’ve learned a lot and changed into a better person. Hopefully, my ex has learned from their mistakes as well. I want to give it another try and see if the new relationship will be different this time. If it works, I’ll be glad I initiated contact. If it doesn’t, I’ll know I tried my best and this relationship wasn’t meant to be.”
If you truly believe that, then nothing you send will come off as needy. Even if they initially think you are contacting them out of neediness, you will soon prove them wrong by your actions and words. What comes out of your mouth or your fingers (via texts) will automatically make you look confident because you are confident and you have the right tools and skills to handle this.
Having The Upper Hand
I get it. It feels like having your ex contact you first will give you a sense of power over the situation. After feeling helpless and hopeless for so long, having your ex contact you is a good sign. A sign that things might work out in the future. A sign that your ex still has feelings for you.
But consider this.
I have seen a lot of cases where an ex contacts first but they still didn’t end up back together. And I have seen many cases where my clients contacted their ex first and they ended up getting back together.
If I have to rate the correlation of your ex contacting you first with getting back together on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’d rate it a solid 1.5.
That means your ex contacting you first has almost no effect on your chances of reconciliation.
Like I said above, your mindset is the biggest factor in getting your ex back. And the second biggest factor is your skills and tools.
Can You Make Your Ex Initiate Contact After No Contact?
You can not “make” your ex to do something they don’t want. Sure, you can post things on social media to try to make them jealous. Or you can tell their friends how awesome your life is.
But ultimately, whenever you are trying to “make” your ex initiate contact, you are doing things to indirectly affect their thoughts and actions. And that, my dear reader, is called manipulation. And even if it works initially, it will not work over the long run.
After all, even if you successfuly make your ex initiate contact with manipulation, what’s next? To keep them interested, you will again try to manipulate them and you will have to continue playing mind games with them.
Your ex will either get tired of your mind games, or you will eventually slip up, make a mistake and expose your true self (someone who is needy, insecure and manipulative). As a result, you will again push your ex away.
My recommendation is that you don’t try to make your ex initiate contact after no contact. If you are not ready to reach out to them, extend no contact. But keep focusing on yourself and your own growth instead of figuring out ways to manipulate and control your ex.
And when you feel you are ready, reach out to them using the examples below.
Should You Wait For Your Ex To Initiate Contact Forever?
In a lot of cases, your ex will not initiate contact with you at all. They might think that you have moved on and might be preparing to move on themselves.
If you never contact them, they may eventually assume you have moved on.
Moreover, how long are you willing to wait for them to contact you? A couple of months? Six months? A year? Your entire life?
This whole process of wanting to get back together is both emotionally and mentally exhausting. The longer you wait, the more stress you accumulate.
When you are ready, you should contact your ex to see if it works. If it doesn’t, you should move on.
Remember, you are just trying to get back together. Don’t feel ashamed of wanting to get back with an ex. If you want to get them back for the right reasons, you don’t have anything to be ashamed of.
If you want something in your life, you should be confident enough to take action and try to get it. Even if you don’t succeed, you will be fine. You will learn from your mistakes and move on to find a better relationship with someone else.
You need to have self-respect. You need to respect your time. And that means making the first move when you are ready. It means taking action instead of sitting around and wait for a great romantic relationship to fall on your lap.
Recommended Reading: Should You Wait To Get Your Ex Back? Why and For How Long?
What to Say To Your Ex After No Contact Rule?
This is where it gets tricky. Most people are so confused about what to say to their ex after no contact rule, they end up delaying it. Fortunately, I’ve got you covered in that area. Here’s a three step process to find out what to say to your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend after no contact rule.
Step 1 : Figure out which medium suits you best
I usually recommend one of these four mediums to contact your ex.
- Hand Written Letter
- Phone Call/Video Call
You should choose the best medium to contact your ex by considering how you used to communicate when you were in a relationship.
The most recommended medium in most cases is email.
The second most recommended medium is texts.
If your ex has blocked you, I recommend you use email. (Read: How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You Again If They Blocked You)
If you feel confident enough in your approach, you can also give your ex a phone call instead of sending a text or an email.
In some cases, a hand written letter can also be very effective. If you feel your ex will appreciate a hand written letter, then choose a hand written letter to initiate talking with your ex.
Step 2: Find Out What You Must Say
I have given a lot of examples of what you can text your ex after no contact in my article on texting your ex. So I recommend you read that article to get a good idea of what you need to say. But here are two most common templates of what you can say to your ex after no contact.
1. Elephant In The Room Message: This message is designed to help you clean the slate and start new with your ex. It uses honesty and vulnerability to help bring an ex’s defenses down and make them comfortable speaking to you again. You can download 5 examples of these texts in my free report. Click here to download the report.
2. A Memory Text: This message ignores everything that happened during or after the breakup and attempts to start a conversation with your ex on a light tone. You simply use an old memory to relate to your ex. If they are ready to speak to you, they will most likely reply in a positive way. To learn more about this message, read my article on texting your ex.
Step 3: Say What You Have to Say with Confidence
Once you have decided what medium you are going to use and what you have to say, just go ahead and say it. If you have done everything right till now, the response you get from your ex is most likely going to be positive. If they are still angry or cold, just do no contact again and try after a couple of weeks.
- Be brave enough to make the first move.
- Figure out which medium you should use to contact your ex.
- Figure out the most appropriate message to send your ex. (Download examples in this free report.)
- Send your first contact message to your ex and hope for the best.
Essential #4 Make the Right Moves and Escalate
Alright, so you’ve made the first move by contacting your ex after no contact. Your ex has responded positively and you are planning to continue texting to rebuild the attraction, connection and trust with your ex.
If you have done everything right till now, the next part should come easy. Here’s a breakdown of things you should keep in mind.
Increase the Time You Spend Speaking With Your Ex Slowly
When you first contact your ex after no contact, you probably want to keep things light (unless you need to use the elephant in the room approach).
Once you’ve done that, you want to back off for a few days and text them again. But this time, you talk for a little bit more time.
The next time you speak, you want the conversation to last a little longer.
You do this slowly and steadily so that your ex gets used to speaking with you again. You want them to speak to you first thing in the morning and before going to bed. You want them to feel like you are lovers.
But it’s not going to happen unless you become close and personal
Increase The Intensity of the Conversation
You can’t always keep the conversations light-hearted. You want your ex to feel a strong connection with you. And no one feels a connection with someone they only have casual conversations with.
This is when you get close and personal. You speak about your feelings and you encourage them to speak about their feelings. You talk about your fears, desires, successes and failures. You open up to them and be vulnerable.
Read some examples on how to do this in this article.
Take the Conversation to a More Personal Medium
When it comes to the medium you are using to communicate with your ex; it goes something like this
Social Media >>> Emails >>>> Texts >>>>> Phone Calls >>>>>> Video Calls >>>>Meeting Up
You should strive to get more and more personal with them. If you are just emailing them immediately after no contact, you want to be texting them after a couple of weeks.
If you have been texting for a few weeks, you should be trying to get on a phone call.
If you have been speaking on the phone, you should try to meet them or get them on a video call (if you are in a long-distance relationship).
Always strive to move forward. But do it slowly and subtly.
What To Do If Your Ex Wants To Be Friends After No Contact?
A lot of people are afraid of ending up in the friend zone with their ex. But in my experience, if your ex wants to be friends with you, it’s a good sign. The fact that they want you as a friend means that they still respect you and want you around. And the more time you spend with them, the more opportunities you will have to attract them, connect with them and bring down the defenses they have about getting back together.
As long as there is a sexual chemistry between you and your ex, you will never truly be friends with them. And if you are confident and you have the right mindset regarding this, your ex will find you attractive; both sexually and emotionally.
The most important thing to keep in mind is your own mental well-being. If being friends with your ex is making you feel uncomfortable and is affecting your mental peace, then cut them off and start another period of no contact. But if you feel you are okay with being friends them, then continue speaking to them and use this opportunity to rebuild the connection you lost because of the breakup.
Essential #5 Have Difficult Conversations
Your ex might be speaking to you normally and they might even show some signs that they still love you or want you back.
But in most cases, your ex will still have a lot of doubts in their mind about wanting to get back together. You need to address those doubts. And you need to do it effectively.
Remember how we talked about having the right skills and tools for the job? This is where it comes in.
If you are skilled at communicating effectively in a relationship, this part should come to you easily. Also, if you have done the leg work, i.e, become more confident, attractive, successful and over all a better person, then you are already half way there.
But you must have the courage to speak about it. I see a lot of my readers making the mistake of trying to avoid these serious issues that are probably bothering your ex. Issues that were probably the reason you guys broke up in the first place.
If you avoid talking about those issues, your ex is likely going to think nothing has changed. If you change the topic whenever something serious comes up, it’s going to make you look weak and desperate. Avoiding any kind of serious talk with your ex is going to push them away.
Think of it this way, if you are avoiding a serious talk with your ex, you are probably doing it out of fear. Fear of losing your ex. And like I said before, fear will not bring you back together. Only love can. Instead of acting out fear, act out of love. Show them empathy and understanding by communicating with them.
You should learn to talk about those sensitive topics in a calm and rational way. If you are calm and confident when you are speaking about these issues, it’ll show your ex that you have truly become a better version of yourself.
Another thing to note is that you should never end these serious conversations by talking about getting back together.
“Hey, I’ve fixed all the issues and things will be different now. Want to get back together?”
If you talk about getting back together after having a conversation about a serious issue between you and your ex, you end up making it look like you have only changed just to get back together.
This makes everything you have done until now manipulative and insincere. This immediately makes your ex put up their defenses and undo all the hard work you have done till now.
So, how do you approach this?
You just state the fact and address the issue. You don’t say that you want to get back together. If the issue is specifically about getting back together; you should tell them that even though you want to get back together; you don’t think it’s a good idea to rush into things.
You let them know that you are as skeptical about getting back together as they are. You want a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. Something that’s built on a solid foundation. And you should mean that.
- Speak to your ex about the issues that lead to the breakup.
- Refer to Essential no. 2 to learn how to communicate effectively and resolve these issues.
To recap; here is what to do after no contact if you want your ex back.
Step 1: Have the right mindset. (The most important step. Here’s what I mean)
Step 2: Develop the right skills and have the right tools to fix your relationship. (Here are some examples)
Step 3: Make the first move to restart contact. (Make sure you don’t look needy or desperate).
Step 4: Escalate conversations
Step 5: Have difficult conversations
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