The No Contact Rule Explained [And How Well It Works To Get An Ex Back]

After one of the most significant breakups of my life, I didn’t have the courage or the resolve to cut off contact with my ex for months.

We were making this sad, half-hearted attempt to be friends with each other which felt one-sided. She would contact me whenever she wanted and I felt obligated to respond to her. I cared about her and didn’t want to hurt her.

Little did I know my lack of courage was keeping us both in the post breakup pain longer than needed. When I found the courage to tell her that we needed to stop speaking to each other, she freaked out. So much that she ended up having a panic attack and going to the emergency room.

When I found out, I texted her the next day and she agreed that going no contact was the best way forward. That panic attack made her realize how much she was dependent on me staying in her life. No Contact was the only way both of us could let go of our attachment towards each other and move forward with life. We both knew we weren’t right for each other and we couldn’t have a relationship at that stage of our lives. And by staying in touch, we were just delaying the inevitable – the breakup grief.

It took me about three months to fully grieve the breakup and around a year before I could allow myself to get into another relationship. But I healed. 

That was years ago. And we have communicated with each other a few times since then. But those communications were significantly different than the ones we had immediately after the breakup. One of those conversations was about the possibility of getting back together but we decided against it because we both realized we were fundamentally incompatible. 

We still cared for each other but we weren’t harboring false hope and we weren’t holding each other back from moving on and finding someone better. As of now, we have both moved on to better relationships and a better, healthier lives. 

In retrospect, had I not implemented the no contact rule, it would take me significantly longer to heal and I would have missed a relationship with someone who ended up being the mother of my child.

This is what the no contact rule is essentially supposed to do. It is supposed to help you move forward in life after a bad breakup. It helps you get unstuck with whatever post breakup dynamics you have with your ex and get clarity. Clarity about your past relationship and what you want in your future.

If this is your first time on this website, my name is Kevin Thompson, and Ex Back Permanently is my website to help people after a breakup. While it may seem like this website is only about getting an ex back, it’s actually about healing from the breakup, and moving forward with your life to create a healthy relationship with or without your ex. A relationship that can last a lifetime. Hence the brand name “Permanently”.

What is the No Contact Rule?

When you apply the no contact rule, you intentionally stop all contact with your ex after a breakup. You don’t call, text, interact with them on social media or keep tabs on them through mutual friends. This can last from 3 weeks to six months. In some cases, such as when you want to move on from an ex or a toxic person, the no contact rule should continue indefinitely.

The no contact rule is not a magical solution to your breakup pain, getting your ex back, or removing a toxic person from your life. It should always be accompanied by self-care, self-love and social support.

In essence, the no contact rule is a tool that helps you let go of someone that is causing pain in your life.

If done correctly, the no contact rule helps you heal from the breakup, stop panicking and grow as a person. Most importantly, when you stop contacting your ex, you break the unhealthy patterns that stop you from thinking clearly and getting perspective about the breakup.

Why should you apply the no contact rule with an ex?

Researcher, Helen Fisher and her colleagues, used MRI scans to find out that romantic rejection or a breakup has similar effects on the brain as that of a drug addict suffering from a withdrawal.

If your ex is a drug you are addicted to, then by doing no contact you are going cold turkey on your ex. For a lot of people, they need this approach to stop this addiction. When you go no contact, it means

• No Text Messages
• No phone calls
• No going over to their house
• No accidentally bumping into them
• No DMs or Group Chat Interaction of any kind
• No contacting them via your mutual friends
• No Instagram Stories (or any other social media posts) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

By breaking your addiction of your ex, you will learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it.

This immediately makes sense if you want to move on from the breakup or if you can see that interacting with your ex is unhealthy for you.

But for people who want to get back together, it doesn’t make sense to stop contact with an ex. And if that’s you, I want you to take a step back and shift your goal from just getting your ex back to getting back together in a healthy relationship.

If you think about it, your relationship ended because at a fundamental level, it was broken. And you don’t want to get back to that relationship. If you stay in touch with your ex, you are probably gonna keep repeating the same relationship patterns and may even develop an unhealthy on/off relationship cycle. Studies have shown that on/off cyclical relationships are a source of distress for both partners and this stress increases with time.

But by doing no contact, you are breaking the unhealthy pattern and creating an opportunity for change and growth. For both of you. If you both find your way back to each other (and you can facilitate that when you have healed), your new relationship will be better and stronger.

Listen:

If you want your ex back, you should definitely read one of the following resources [They’re Free].

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up – 5 Stages You Will Go Through

Or Take This Quiz To Assess Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back [Recommended]

Do I Need To Implement The No Contact Rule in My Situation?

The no contact rule can feel like an extreme measure. It’s natural to be hesitant towards it. But in most situations it’s important to implement it after a breakup.

In my experience, most people who want to get an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend back should do no contact to help them become stronger after the breakup.

In addition, if you want to move on from the breakup, it’s still a very effective tool to use for your healing.

And lastly, if you aren’t sure whether you should get back together, or move on from your ex, then the no contact rule can bring a lot of clarity about what is healthy for you and what isn’t.

The people who need to implement it the most are the ones who are most resilient towards the idea of it.

If you relate to any of the following, then you should implement the no contact rule as soon as possible –

• If you feel a strong urge to stay in contact with your ex
• If you have been trying desperately to remain friends with your ex
• if the thought of losing your ex fills you with anxiety
• If you are the one trying to hold on to your ex, while it seems like your ex doesn’t really care about staying in touch with you
• If every time you speak to your ex, you feel overwhelmed and consumed by fantasies of getting them back, or self-critical thoughts about how the breakup happened
• if you and your ex find yourself constantly arguing about what happened;
• if there is a lot of regret, anger, and grudges between the both of you

You can also take this short quiz (no email required) to help understand your situation more and whether or not the no contact rule is a good option for you.

How To Start No Contact?

Depending on your situation you can start no contact using one of these two methods

• Just stop initiating contact with your ex without informing them. Cut them off from social media if needed. They may get confused why you stopped contacting them and try to reach out. If they initiate contact, either ignore them or let them know that you need some space and time. This method is useful if you have been needy and desperate after the breakup.
• Let your ex know that you need some space and time before starting no contact. You can do this by sending them a short text or an email. This is the most respectable way to start no contact. It doesn’t leave space for doubt between you and your ex and it also keeps the door open for future communication.

What To Say To Your Ex When Starting No Contact?

Different Variations of The No Contact Rule

There are a few different variation of the no contact rule recommended all over the internet. The variation in the advice is in reference to how long the no contact rule should last and how you should handle interactions with your ex during no contact. Below is all such variations and my views on them.

Note that a lot of people refer to all these versions as “The No Contact Rule”. And the basics of all of them remain the same. But for clarity, I have chosen a slightly different name for each of them.

1. The No Initiate Rule – The no initiate rule simply means that you don’t initiate contact with your ex. You let them contact you. If they do, you reply to them, speak to them casually and with confidence. If you still want them back and are sure about pursuing them, you can even choose to ask them out or flirt with them.

Some people also recommend that, if you want your ex back, you tell them so before beginning the no contact rule. This way, your ex knows you are open to getting back together. But I don’t usually recommend that because it can create confusion and pain in sensitive situations (which a lot of fresh breakups are).

This is a decent rule to follow, but in a lot of cases, an ex can make it hard for you to heal from the breakup. You should only use this variation if you are not extremely needy or desperate and if you think speaking with your ex doesn’t affect your emotional health in a negative way.

2. Indefinite No Contact Rule (the simplest option, but not easy) – This approach simply means cutting off all communication with your ex forever. If they reach out, you ignore them. If you must interact with them, be courteous but set clear boundaries.

This type of no contact rule is a straight forward, no nonsense way to deal with a breakup. It’s sort of like forcing yourself to accept the breakup and making a strong decision to never contact your ex again. Some people call it radical acceptance, while others compare it to the analogy of buffaloes charging straight towards a storm because it will reduce the time they have to suffer due to the storm.

It’s actually a great way to deal with a breakup and move on from a relationship. Especially if your relationship was abusive or had toxic elements in it.

I highly recommend this type of no contact rule for almost anyone who wants to move on from a breakup and is sure that this is the right path for them.

But sadly, most people, who want their ex back find this type of major decision a bit too overwhelming. Which is why, I recommend what I call the definite no contact rule.

3. The Definite No Contact Rule (My Recommendation for Most Cases) – This version means telling yourself that you will cut contact with your ex until you have healed and are in a better emotional state. If needed, you can also give yourself fixed number of days such as 30 days or 60 days. Whatever you think you can do.

This way, you can convince your mind (that doesn’t want to lose your ex) that you will get back in touch with your ex – that it’s not permanent. But you will only do it after a while when you are more confident and sure about what you want.

If say, after 30 days, you feel like you need more time to heal, you can extend the no contact rule for another 30 days. And so on until you are confident that you have healed and are ready to move on or speak to your ex about getting back together.

During the time you are healing, you try your best to minimize contact with your ex. If your ex reaches out, I usually recommend my clients to be courteous, but keep it short. If your ex continues calling you and tries to be friends, explain to them that you need to heal from the breakup and want to minimize contact for a few months – which is the equivalent of setting a boundary and prioritizing your mental health.

This is my recommended approach because it only focuses on things you can control and makes your healing a priority. This approach is sensitive to both you and your ex in this highly emotional state.

While you may still want your ex back, it gives you enough time to be realistic about it. This is the version that appeals to most people who want their ex back and the one I found to be most effective in healing someone who doesn’t want to lose their ex.

4. Short No Contact Rule – This is essentially a type of definite no contact rule but for a very short window, like two weeks. I’ve seen some people recommend it online and I also recommend it in very rare cases.

But this is not a healthy way to go for most situations because your emotional state (and your ex’s) is not very likely to change during a short 2 weeks period. In most cases, it takes a couple of months to heal and get a better perspective of your relationship. I only recommend this type of short no contact rule in very rare cases where the breakup happened because of a stressful situation, misunderstanding or an argument.

What To Do If Your Ex Contacts You During The No Contact Rule

Now it all depends on context here. Above, I talked about different types of no contact advice on the internet.

To recap, the advice out there is either try to flirt with them and ask them out, ignore them, or be courteous. And my most recommended advice is to be courteous but try to keep it short.

Regardless of which variation you choose, you are going to feel a mixed bag of emotions when your ex reaches out. And most people cave in because they want to hear what their ex has to say.

This is why, my advice to someone who still has feelings for their ex and hopes to get back together someday, is to follow these guidelines –

1. Be Cool, i.e., Don’t be Needy – Remember you don’t need your ex to be happy. You can learn to be happy in your life without them. So don’t let any neediness or desperation you may be feeling leak into the conversation. It’ll just make you feel bad about yourself later on.

2. It’s okay to be honest about how you feel – Just don’t be desperate or beg them. For example, you can say “I do miss you a lot.” but it’s not okay to say, “I miss you all the time. Please can we get back together?”.

3. It’s okay match your ex’s level of vulnerability but don’t go beyond – For example, if your ex says, “I miss you.”, you can say “I miss you too.”. But don’t go beyond that and say, “I miss you too. I love you. I can’t live without you.”

4. Acknowledge the reality of the situation – You can also choose to add a bit of reality while you are matching their vulnerability. For example, when they say, “I still love you.”, you can say “I still love you too, but nothing has changed.” – implying that you are still broken up and they haven’t changed their mind yet. Just don’t do it in a sarcastic or taunting way. If there is doubt, don’t do it at all.

5. Try to keep the conversation as short as possible – If you aren’t ready to set boundaries (or if you feel it doesn’t apply to your situation), you should aim for a maximum of a five minute conversation or a 10 text message threads (from both sides). Once that limit is over, just tell your ex that it was nice chatting with them but you have to go somewhere.

6. Set boundaries if it feels disrespectful or overwhelming – Remember, the no contact rule is about your healing. And while your ex contacting you may seem like an innocent thing to do, it is selfish and it usually doesn’t lead to anything meaningful. Only more confusion, false hope and obsession.

I am not just saying that, here’s a survey result of 1553 people about how they feel after interacting with their ex. Most of the participants wanted to get back together with their ex.

Notice the top results include confusion, false hope, and obsession. Followed by feeling hurtful and hopelessness. Also notice that around 29% of participants don’t get negatively affected by speaking to their ex, in which case, there’s not a big need to set boundaries.

But if it is affecting you negatively, and if your ex is contacting you constantly, then I highly recommend you set clear boundaries by saying something like –

“I’ve been doing some thinking, and I believe it would be best for my healing if we stopped communicating for now. Staying in touch is making it harder for me to process the breakup and move forward. I kindly ask that you don’t call or message me unless it’s a genuine emergency. I hope you can understand and respect this decision.”

Be Wary of Breadcrumbing

I would also like to point out that in some cases, an ex does what is known as, Breadcrumbing. It’s when an ex who dumped someone occasionally reaches out—through texts, likes, or casual messages—not because they want to get back together, but to keep the other person emotionally hooked. It’s a manipulative behavior meant to maintain attention or validation without offering real commitment or closure.

Or in other words, they want to keep their cake and eat it too. They want to keep you as a backup. Which is unfair to you and not good for your emotional health. I will discuss this in more detail later in the article.

Will the No Contact Rule Bring My Ex Back?

A lot of people hope that if they implement no contact, it will make their ex regret the breakup, realize their mistake, grow, fix their issues and come back to them.

Essentially, a lot of people think the no contact rule is about their ex. That it’s a tactic to manipulate their ex into becoming a better person, or rather a person they want their ex to be, and come begging to take them back.

If you don’t know where I am going with this, you can’t manipulate someone else into loving you, or into becoming someone they don’t want to be.

Change is hard. It takes time and consistent effort. And if your ex isn’t willing to put in the work, they are not going to change

Which is why, no contact rule should always be about you. It’s a strategy to deal with the breakup aftermath. Not to manipulate your ex into coming back.

I know there are a lot of stories and coaches out there claiming that no contact will bring your ex back. But they are just telling you what your panicked mind wants to hear. There are many more stories about exes not coming back despite long periods of no contact.

The truth is, at best, no contact can only make your ex miss you and make them realize what it feels like to lose you forever.

Other than that, everything depends on your ex – their personality, their willingness to change, their humility to accept their mistakes, their perception of you, their perception of your compatibility, their attachment style, the way they handle shame and the support system they have. 

And in today’s age, it also depends on the type of content they consume, the type of content their friends consume, who they idealize and where they go to when they need some advice.

None of that is in your control.

Just to make things more clear, here are the things that no contact can help with –

• Give you space and time to accept the breakup.
• Help you rediscover yourself.
• Stop unhealthy push/pull dynamics that keep you hooked on your ex.
• Help you stop panicking and being anxious all the time.
• Help you reduce obsessive thoughts about your ex.
• Help you miss your ex less over time.
• Help you stop desperate and needy actions such as chasing your ex, texting them all the time, trying to convince them to get back together.
• Gives you time and space to do self-care, self-improvement and get professional help if needed (such as therapy).
• Gives your ex time to miss you.
• Makes your ex understand what it’s like to lose you.
• Make your ex face the breakup pain and the breakup grief.
• Make them remember the good times you both spent together. 

And here are the things that the no contact rule have little to no effect on –

• Your ex’s attachment style and their relationship patterns.
• Your ex’s willingness to accept where they were wrong in the relationship.
• Your ex’s willingness to make changes in their lives that may make both of you compatible again.
• Your ex’s decision to date other people.
• Your ex’s decision to make you a priority.
• Your ex’s decision to reach out to you and connect again.
• Your ex’s skills to communicate honestly.
• Your ex’s ability to show empathy or understand you.
• Your ex’s perception of the issues in the relationship.
• The way both you and your ex communicate in case you both reconnect later.

Essentially, the no contact rule has little or no control over what your ex will do or think during your time apart. I say “little” control because not hearing from you and missing you badly may sometimes make them reach out, accept their mistakes, make changes etc. 

But those things aren’t a direct result of you implementing the no contact rule. 

They are a result of your ex making a conscious decision to become a better person and take action. And unfortunately, a lot of people are incapable of doing that. 

One may argue that the no contact rule and the breakup pain is the thing that led them to make that decision. But I can easily counter argue that they would have eventually come to that conclusion regardless of the no contact rule because they are the type of person who wants to grow in their life.

Furthermore, a majority of the time people don’t make a conscious decision to become a better person even after their ex implements the no contact rule because they are simply not the type of person or not at that stage in their life where they feel the need to change

Therefore, while the no contact rule can be a small factor in your ex making a conscious decision to be better, it’s not the primary factor. The primary factor remains your ex’s free will.

Or in other words – the no contact rule can not make your ex do something they don’t want to do.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, no contact rule is still the best strategy if you want your ex back. I am not asking you to give up hope. But I am asking you to see things from a different perspective. You can’t control what your ex does. But you can control what you do.

What Can You Do During No Contact That Can Increase Your Chances of Getting Back With Your Ex in a Healthy Relationship?

Now that we’ve established that no contact rule alone cannot help you get your ex back in a healthy relationship, let’s reflect on the most basic fundamental of a breakup.

Your relationship was broken. And if you and your ex had serious issues, it’s not going to fix on it’s own.

So if you want to hope that the no contact rule will lead to you and your ex getting back together in the future, then your best bet is to focus on self-improvement.

No Contact is most effective when it’s combined with real and effective self-improvement. (I teach the most effective self-improvement in my Advanced Program. Check it out here.)

Unless you stop being needy, unless you grow as a person, unless you figure out how to fix the issues that lead to the breakup; you and your ex won’t get back in a long lasting relationship…… even if they start missing you during no contact.

To back this up with some data, we conducted a study of 3512 participants and we found that people who got their ex back in a healthy and long lasting relationship think that the no contact rule is the third most important thing that helped them get their ex back.

The above chart talks about what 525 people who got back together and stayed together credited to their successful reconciliation. And to no one’s surprise, it was self-improvement.

One crucial thing that’s missing in this chart, but is included in the study, is the fact 69% of participants who got their ex back and were still together believed that both they and their ex have improved as a person and are better at solving relationship problems.

I am bringing this up again just to remind you that your ex also needs to improve as a person. The breakup was not solely your fault. And therefore, you can’t fix the relationship problems alone.

It takes two to tango, two to breakup and two to successfully get back together.

In contrast, we also surveyed people who got their ex back and broke up again shortly after. The results were not surprising. We found that lack of self-improvement was the main reason that couples break up again after getting back together. See the chart below.

If you want to read the entire study, click here. (it has a lot of other interesting insights).

The No Contact Rule To Move On From Your Ex

The no contact rule to move on from your ex works the same way. It’s like cutting off a drug you are addicted to. Instead of trying to wane off your addiction, you go cold turkey on it. You just cut it off, go through the withdrawal symptoms and eventually realize that the drug was bad for you. This rewires your brain. It’s painful in the starting, but it gets much easier after a few weeks.

When you cut off your ex, you will go through these withdrawal symptoms aka breakup grief. You will go through anger, bargaining, denial, depression and acceptance. But eventually, you will come out the other end stronger than ever when you have moved on. As I said before, The Indefinite No Contact Rule, which is equivalent to making a resolve to never contact your ex again, is one of the best strategy to move on from a breakup.

The point is, it doesn’t matter if you are sure you want them back, if you are confused about wanting your ex back, or if you are sure you want to move on from them – the no contact rule is one of the best thing you can do. Especially if you focus on self-care, self-love and self-improvement while you are doing it.

What to do during the no contact rule?

Whether you want your ex back or you’re ready to move on, the no contact rule is your time to level up every part of your life. It’s for you to move forward. One step at a time.

So here’s what you do during the no contact rule – Live your life.

Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. But remember, you should not be doing it just because you want your ex back. You should be doing it because you want to be a better version of yourself.

You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them, but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on its own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself.

That is why I recommend taking action and doing things that will help you heal and move forward.

Here’s what to do during the no contact rule –

Feeling Your Feelings aka Grieve

Whatever you are feeling, let yourself feel it. Whether it’s sadness, anger, guilt, shame, or regret. Feel it and eventually let those feelings, along with the accompanying thoughts, go. Write it down if you have to. Take as much time as you need, but try to release those feelings and thoughts.

This is the most important things to do after a breakup. Regardless of whether or not you want your ex back.

This is what most people usually mean by “processing” a breakup. Your mind goes through these thoughts and feelings. But if you suppress them or try to avoid them, you are not processing it. And as such, you never heal or move forward in your life.

But if you notice them, let them play it out, you will eventually come to peace with it and will be able to let them go.

Note that I have a structured program that helps you process a breakup one day at a time. It’s especially relevant for those who still feel they want their ex back. Check it out here.

Physical Activity

The no. 2 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphins that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

• Yoga
• Weight Lifting
• Running
• Any type of Sports that you enjoy
• CrossFit

Social Activities

Even though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends and loved ones. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

Self-Care and Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

• Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
• Meditation
• Spa
• Massage
• A Relaxing Bath

Self-Improvement Activities

Apart from everything else mentioned above, it’s also very important to work on yourself to become a better person. As we saw in the study before, self-improvement is the key to keeping your ex after you get them back.

It’s especially important if you and your ex broke up because of insecurity, neediness, jealousy, trust issues or communication issues. If you don’t take care of these issues during no contact period, you will never be able to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.

Self-Reflection

Understanding what went wrong and how it got there is a crucial process. Self-reflection and soul searching can help you uncover the reasons you and your ex broke up in the first place. For a lot of people, this is a crucial step during no contact because it helps them understand the unhealthy patterns that lead to the breakup.

For example, some people have an anxious attachment style. They become needy or insecure when they fall deeply in love with someone. As a result, their actions become annoying to their partners and over time they end up building a grudge against them.

When some of my clients realized why they were acting needy or desperate and how their attachment style causes them to push their loved ones away; they actively worked on this particular issue. They understood and accepted themselves. They learned strategies to manage their anxiety and started communicating in a healthy way. When they got back in touch with their ex, it was a pleasant surprise for them to see how they were much calmer and more confident.

Get Professional Help If Needed

Getting therapy or speaking to a mental health professional can be game changer for a lot of people. Just speaking to someone who is knowledgeable and is an expert in navigating difficult emotions can help tremendously after a breakup. A lot of my clients get therapy along with breakup coaching to help them heal, gain self-acceptance and become more confident.

Getting therapy is especially helpful if you find it very difficult to cope with the breakup and the overwhelming emotions.

What to Avoid During the No Contact Period?

There are few things that you need to avoid during the no contact period. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact period without making any progress in your life.

1. Don’t Obsess Over Your Ex – It’s okay to think about your ex. But if it turns into an obsession where you keep checking their social media or keep replaying the same “what if” thoughts, then you must put a stop to it. A good way to do so is by distracting yourself. You will find more ways below where I talk about stopping the urge to text your ex.

2. Don’t Indulge in addictive behavior – It’s not going to help. It’s the same as suppressing your feelings for a while. They will come back again the next morning with vengeance.

3. Don’t Suppress your thoughts or Try To Avoid pain – You may be tempted to keep yourself distracted all the time or plunge yourself into work. But the feelings will catch up sooner or later. And the sooner you face them, the faster you will heal. (It’s been studied scientifically.)

4. Focusing Too Much On Getting Your Ex Back – The thought of getting your ex back can calm you down, but that can also become an addiction. If you find yourself thinking constantly about it or if you are spending hours watching YouTube Videos on getting an ex back; remind yourself that your end goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship with or without your ex.

Should I Date Other People During The No Contact Rule?

There’s no set in stone advice for this. If you feel dating other people is the right thing to do – go ahead and date other people.

But you should know that most people who start dating someone else too soon after a breakup regret it later on because it stops them from fully healing. It’s also known as a Rebound Relationship. Jumping into a new relationship is the same as distracting yourself from the pain. The breakup grief will eventually catch up with you.

Remember the no. 1 most important thing to do during no contact is to feel your feelings aka Grieve. So prioritize that.

What to Expect When You Start No Contact?

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the starting, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up” or “What if my ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend moves on to someone else.” That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before no contact is over, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.

How To Stop The Urge To Break No Contact?

Here are my top tactics –

1. Speak to a friend instead of your ex.
2. Speak to your breakup coach instead of your ex.
3. Post on a support group such as our forums instead of texting your ex.
4. Read stories of people who went through no contact (A lot of such stories in the comment section here and on our forums).
5. Subscribe to our daily email reminders (30 days email course) to keep you on the right path with the right mindset by taking this quiz.
6. Distract yourself by doing something you love and which takes 100% of your attention. (For me, that’s knife sharpening.)
7. Go out for a walk.
8. Go lift weights.
9. Go for a run.
10. Go to an animal shelter and spend time with some animals.
11. Go to a meetup group and meet new people.
12. Take 20 deep breaths, followed by drinking a tall glass of water.
13. Meditate for 30 minutes.
14. Remind yourself that breaking no contact will just set you back on healing.
15. Remind yourself that you are opening a wound before it’s fully healed by texting your ex.
16. Remind yourself that if your ex wanted to speak to you, they could have reached out too.
17. If you hope to get back together, Remind yourself that the only way you and your ex can get back together in a healthy relationship is if you go through this pain, heal and become a stronger version of yourself.
18. And if nothing else works, talk to ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini or any other LLM of your choice. Use this prompt – “I feel an urge to contact my ex and break no contact. Please talk me through my feelings by asking me what I want to say and why I want to say it. My goal is to stop the urge.”

Expect Your Ex To Do Things To Hurt You (Or Get Your Attention)

Here’s The Deal:

When you start no contact with an ex, they will feel a vacuum in their lives. Especially if you have been contacting them regularly since the breakup.

Your ex expects you to be needy and desperate. Your ex expects you to be waiting for them if they change their mind and want you back. They expect you to be there backup option, to be there security blanket.

And when you start no contact, you are taking away that security they feel. If your ex feels like you are going to move on from them, they may do things to pull you back in.

They may do things just to hurt you or to get a reaction out of you.

To get you to do something needy or desperate.

They do this so they can feel secure in knowing that they can still have you back whenever they want.

So they know that they still have you as their backup option.

A lot of exes do this unknowingly, out of panic/fear of losing you. Some exes do it knowingly to manipulate you (aka Breadcrumbing).

They may do things like,

• Posting pics on social media with the opposite sex.
• Posting status messages that are clearly pointed at you.
• Calling you randomly just to talk to you.
• Talking to you in a way that makes you feel like they want you back and when you start giving them attention, they pull away.
• Giving you false hope about getting back together only to become cold once you start talking to them again.

You get the point.

They want you around so they don’t have to feel the breakup grief.

If your ex does this and you fall in their trap, then you must start no contact again. You must stop contacting them. You must learn from your mistakes and not fall for their trap the next time they pull crap like this.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Remember, that this whole no contact thing is not for your ex. It’s mainly for you. It’s for you heal form this breakup and become stronger. And if your ex is trying their best to stop you from becoming stronger, it’s only because they want to keep you weak and be their backup. And we both know that you deserve better than that.

The only exception to this is if your ex genuinely regrets the breakup, is going through extreme grief and they are thinking about getting back together. If you feel that your ex genuinely wants to try to fix the breakup but they don’t know how to, then talk to them about it.

How Long Should The No Contact Rule Last?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 21 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

Remember, time heals. One study, done by David A. Sbarra, PhD, who is a professor in the department of psychology in University of Arizona, suggests that there is a linear correlation between time and how much you heal from a breakup. The study explored how sadness and anger decreases over time after a breakup.

This also correlates to the study done by Ex Back Permanently in which participants were asked what helped them most in healing from the breakup. The top answer was time.

Time helps you heal from the breakup. And as I explained earlier, the main objective of doing no contact is to heal from the breakup, regain your confidence, and regain your self-identity. Even if you want your ex back, you should continue no contact until you feel you have healed from the breakup. If you are still feeling the pain, continue no contact and let time do it’s magic.

How To End (Or Break) The No Contact Rule?

Let’s say you have not spoken to your ex for a few months and you feel you have healed emotionally and are not longer needy, desperate or in pain.

But you still feel a strong urge to at least try to get your ex back. Maybe you have things to say that were left unsaid. Or maybe you feel you made mistakes and you are confident you will no longer repeat those mistakes.

If you’ve thought this through, then it’s okay to end the no contact rule and reach out to your ex. Essentially, you just text them and tell them who you are right now, what you want from them with honesty and tact. You can download 5 such sample texts by clicking here.

There are, of course, other ways to break no contact which I discuss in detail in my article on texting your ex after no contact.

Should I block my ex on Social Media? What To Do If My Ex Blocks me on social media?

The purpose of social media is to enrich our lives and help us connect with our loved ones. At least, that’s why social media was invented in the first place. It may have grown into something else now. But for the purpose of this article, and for the purpose of you healing from the breakup and getting your ex back, let’s assume that social media is meant to enrich your life and make it better.

Whatever social media you are using during breakup, ask yourself, is it enriching your life? Is it helping you heal from the breakup?

Remember, no contact is not meant to manipulate your ex or play mind games by posting pics on Facebook, Instagram etc.

No contact is meant to help you heal and grow as a person so you can get your ex back in a healthy and long lasting relationship.

Playing games on social media is not going to help you do that.

If staying connected with your ex on social media is making you obsess over them (according to this study, it probably will), stay away from social media or block your ex.

If your ex blocks you on social media, don’t worry about it and don’t overthink it. They are most likely doing it to get a reaction out of you. Continue focusing on yourself and healing from the breakup.

What Breaks the No Contact Rule?

I get a lot of people asking me if they broke the no contact rule by speaking to their ex. And again, that thinking comes from seeing the No Contact Rule as something that can manipulate your ex into loving you again.

So my answer to most people is, you didn’t break no contact or ruin your chances of getting back together. Because that wasn’t the point of no contact anyways. But you may have set yourself back on your healing. And if so, it’s still okay because you will recover from this and heal again.

In terms of it’s effect on your ex, if you acted needy or desperate, then yes, it may have made them feel less attracted to you or made them feel like breakup was the right decision. But if you just start no contact again and stick to it religiously, then it will still have the same effect, albeit, it may take a bit longer.

What If You Break the No Contact Rule?

If you feel you broke the no contact rule by texting your ex, it’s best to just restart again immediately. It’s not a rule written in stone so don’t worry about it too much.

How To Do No Contact if You Must Interact With Your Ex (Due to children or logistics?)

It may not be possible to apply a strict no contact with your ex in a lot of situation. Situations such as

1. When you live with your ex.
2. You have a child with your ex.
3. You work with your ex.

If this is the case, then you can still apply the no contact rule if you follow the following guidelines.

1. You only speak to your ex about important issues. You don’t initiate contact unless it’s important.

If you are living with your ex, you can speak to your ex about the living arrangement or anything house related.

If you work with your ex, you can speak to them about anything that is work related.

If you have a child together, you can speak to your ex about anything related to your children.

2. When they initiate contact, you should be polite and reply to them.

But only reply to them about the topic at hand. Don’t let the conversation continue more than necessary.

3. If your ex tries to talk about something personal, try to end the conversation immediately.

But don’t be rude about it. Be honest and tell them you need space and time. Say something like,

“I appreciate you asking but I am still healing from this breakup and I would rather not talk about it. I hope you understand and respect my boundary. Can we please keep all our conversations only about our child/work/living arrangements?”

4. If there is a conflict, figure out a way to solve it amicably.

Make sure you are calm before you start talking about it and go in only with the intention of coming to a solution. Before you go into the conversation, be clear about

1. What the issue is
2. Why is it an issue
3. How it affects you, and
4. What your ex can do to resolve it.

If you feel angry, get away from the conversation by saying something like,

“I am feeling upset about this and I would like to end the conversation here. Maybe we can talk about it later and come to a solution together.”

For example, suppose your ex is in a rebound and they introduce your child to their new girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s an issue related to your child and there is a good chance it will result in a conflict.

Before you go into the conversation, figure out exactly when and how your child was introduced to rebound, why it’s an issue (because it’s not wise to introduce someone to the child unless it’s a serious relationship), how it affects you and the child (because if the child gets hurt after getting attached to the rebound, you get hurt as well), what can your ex do to resolve it (to wait and make sure that he is serious about his/her new partner before introducing them to your child).

If the discussion gets heated, don’t get angry and don’t yell at your ex. Instead, just acknowledge that the discussion is getting heated and tell your ex that you want to stop this conversation and pick it up later when both of you have had time to think about it.

5. Don’t be scared to take serious action if your ex is being unreasonable.

A lot of times, an ex likes to play games or do things to get a reaction out of you when you are doing no contact. Sometimes they post stuff on social media or say things to mutual friend. If you are doing mild no contact, they may try to do something that affects something important to you, i.e, your house, your child or your career.

For example, if your ex is doing something that is making it hard for you to work. You should first try to speak to them and resolve the conflict. Tell them exactly what they are doing, how it makes you feel and what they can do to stop it.

If they still don’t listen, don’t be afraid to go to your boss or your ex’s boss for conflict resolution.

How To Know If Your Ex Still Loves You During No Contact?

A lot of my clients want to understand if their ex still loves them while they are doing no contact. There is no surefire way to know and obsessing over whether or not your ex loves you can be distraction from focusing on yourself.

But I have noticed that signs from an ex that show they love you can help calm down the nerves in moment of weaknesses. Some of the signs that mean your ex loves you are

• They have extreme emotions towards you.
• They are hot and cold towards you.
• They try to make you jealous on social media.
• They try to get a reaction out of you.
• They respond positively when you reach out.
• They slowly start talking to you more and more after you’ve ended no contact.

Recommended Reading: Signs Your Ex Still Loves You

Conclusion

The no contact rule is an excellent tool that can help a lot in getting an ex back, getting over a breakup or removing a toxic person from your life.

It’s quite straightforward if you want to move on from a breakup or remove a toxic person from your life. It gets a little bit complicated when it comes to getting an ex back. This article was meant to help you understand the complexities of the no contact rule and how to successfully apply it in your situation.

In essence, no contact works best if you use it to focus on yourself rather than your ex. It works best if you use the time away from your ex to heal from the breakup and improve as a person.

Moving forward, here are a few articles that will help you in the journey of getting your ex back.

9 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back

What To Do If You Miss Your Ex Terribly

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Recommended Quiz: What Are Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back? [Recommended Quiz]

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