There’s no doubt that getting back with an ex can work out in certain situations.

Sometimes, people breakup for the wrong reasons and realize that what they had was special and worth trying to fix. The internet is filled with such stories. Heck if you ask around people you know, you will surely find a couple who broke up at least once, got back together and made it work.

We even conducted research and found that 15% of people who wanted their ex back, got back together and made the rekindled relationship work.

A study, conducted by Amber Vennum at Kansas State University, also found that around 33% of cohabiting couples and 20% of married couples had broken up at one point in their life.

But it’s not always the right decision to get back with an ex. In my early 20s, I got back with an ex that I shouldn’t have gotten back with. I got back with her because I was young, insecure and immature. I got back with her because I was hurting from the breakup. Because I didn’t think I would ever find another girl as beautiful as her again. I didn’t have the confidence or the willingness to put myself out there and start dating again. And I didn’t have the self-esteem or wisdom to think if the relationship was right for me.

I thought it would be difficult to get her back. But in hindsight, it wasn’t that hard. She reached out to me after a few weeks of no contact, we met, went on a short trip and got back together. The difficult part came later. When the honeymoon period got over and the fights, the manipulation and the toxicity started.

In hindsight, the biggest mistake I made was that I didn’t really care whether or not I should get back with her. I just cared about getting back with her.

The second time I got back with another ex, it was the right decision. Because I didn’t just jump back in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I gave it some serious thought and I had enough confidence and self-acceptance to know what I wanted in life and a relationship. Turns out, the thing that matters most to me is someone who is willing to learn and grow. The fact that she is hot AF and is so much better than me at socializing is an added bonus.

If you found your way to this article wondering whether or not you should get back with your ex, that’s a great starting point. Because if you are giving this a thought, then you care more than just about getting back together; you care about your well-being. And that means you are on the right track.

Lucky for you, I’ve seen thousands of readers and clients get back together in my 13 years of experience helping people with breakups and getting an ex back. And I can give you a pretty good insight on when you should strongly consider getting back with your ex, when you should wait/get some space and when you should most definitely walk away from your ex.

Should I Get Back Together With My Ex?

The short answer is, you should get back with your ex only if you are fairly certain that both of you can have a healthy relationship after getting back together.

But after a breakup, you may be looking at your ex and your previous relationship with rose tinted glasses. When you miss your ex, you may just be romanticizing the past and ignoring the red flags that should be on the forefront when making this important decision. Or you may just be lonely, lack self-confidence and lack self-acceptance. And that may make you feel like a life without your ex is a life without joy (which is just not true).

This is why it’s important to wait for a few weeks or months after the breakup to make this important decision. It’s also important to make sure you are not desperate to get back with your ex and you are not making this decision out of fear or loneliness.

In my experience, the couples who get back together successfully and make the new relationship work are both committed to making the new relationship better than before.

These couples reach a point in their post breakup journey where they are excited to get back together and build strong foundation for the new rekindled relationship. It’s very common for such couples to go on to get married and even have children.

Let’s explore the situations where you should almost never get back together, when you should wait before making a decision and when you should consider getting back together.

Situations When You Should Be Extremely Wary of Getting Back Together

If you find yourself in the following situations, then you should absolutely walk away from your ex. It’s not a good idea to try to get back together with an ex in the following situations. And even if you do decide to get back together, you should do so with extreme caution, take your time and be very skeptical during the entire process.

1. There was physical abuse: It’s never a good idea to get back with an ex if there was physical abuse. There is an argument to be made that if the abuse happens only once, you can give them another chance. But if it happens more than once, then there is absolutely no hope.

Note that in my experience, physical abuse is rarely a one time occurrence. If it happened once, it will most likely happen again. But a lot of people want to give their partners another chance and it’s hard to argue against the logic. So if they have hit you once and you choose to give them another chance, do so with extreme caution and follow the advice in the rest of this article of best practices to get back together. In addition, use the resources by Office on Women’s Health and Love is Respect to understand the type of abuse you faced and what you should do.

2. There was verbal abuse/emotional abuse: Abuse can also be verbal or emotional. And often times, it’s equally toxic and even traumatizing. If your partner was verbally abusive and it happened often, then your relationship had toxic traits. And you should seriously consider if you want to spend your precious time and energy fixing something so broken.

According to Sherri Gordon from Very Well Mind “In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person’s self-esteem and undermine their mental health.”

3. There was gaslighting/manipulation: This one can be tricky to understand. A lot of people don’t really understand they are a victim of gaslighting or manipulation. Moreover, there are some aspects of manipulation in a lot of relationships. People who don’t learn how to communicate their needs honestly and openly tend to resort to manipulation. A lot of people resort to gaslighting or manipulation to try to control their partners in a relationship.

If your relationship had these patterns, then it probably took a toll on your self-esteem and you may feel lost after the breakup. Again, you should be very cautious getting back in such a relationship. Unless there is some serious commitment to fix what was broken, getting back together would lead to another toxic and controlling relationship.

4. There was cheating or infidelity: If there was cheating or infidelity in the relationship, then getting back together becomes a challenge. If your partner betrayed you once (or if you were the one who betrayed your partner), then rebuilding the trust becomes extremely difficult. It will take a big commitment from both of you and a lot of work before the trust is restored.

It’s true that a lot of couples get back together after cheating and make it work. In some cultures, cheating is more accepted than in others. And some people just don’t see cheating as a big deal. But in most cases, cheating leads to a permanent breakup and you are better off letting your ex go and move on from them.

5. There was addiction or alcohol abuse issues: Unless your ex makes a commitment to address those issues head on, it’s just not worth it to try to get back together. The issues are going to come back sooner or later and it will probably lead to a lot of toxicity and a very unhealthy relationship. Be extremely cautious of getting back in a relationship that had addiction or alcohol issues. Here’s a resource from Cleveland Clinic that can help you understand addiction.

That being said, if your ex is committed to fixing the addiction issue and you think they are worth it, then you both can get back together in a relationship stronger than ever.

In a recent podcast on REAL ONES, Shia LaBeouf talks about his journey of dealing with addiction and his experience in a rehab center. He spoke about how his ex Mia Goth was there for him in a digital meeting when no one else would show up. Shia says, “Sometimes, all you need to offer a person in a situation like that is presence.” He goes on to say, “It’s the first time I really understood love because I had nothing to give and she was there. She gave me hope when I was running on fumes.”

Shia LaBeouf and Mia Goth got back together and welcomed their first child on March 2022. In my expert opinion, Shia was committed to making a change, take responsibility for his actions and become a better person. Mia was there for him, not because she wanted to get him back, but because she just loved and cared for him. She wanted him to do well and get better. And he did. His commitment, and the love Mia had for him lead to a reconciliation despite all odds against them.

Situations where you should wait before making a decision about getting back together

In some situations, it’s hard to figure out whether or not you should get back together because the emotions are high and you can’t think clearly. In such situations, the best thing to do is to wait a few weeks and allow your mind and heart to heal from the breakup.

I recommend most of my readers and clients to do something called the no contact rule that helps them come to the right decision about their ex. In a lot of cases, it also makes sense to date other people before making a decision about getting back together.

From the thousands of client cases I have seen; sometimes things work out in the following situations, sometimes they don’t. But as you spend time apart from your ex, the answer gets very clear.

1. You fought a lot: If you and your ex had the type of relationship where you fought a lot, then your sub-conscious mind is more likely to see this breakup as another big fight. And as such, you may feel like this breakup is only temporary and you will both get back together and make up.

However, these type of fights are often a result of unhealthy communication patterns in the relationship. And if you use this time to take a break from each other, stop contacting each other and really think things through; you will get a much better understanding of what you want from this relationship and whether or not it’s worth getting back.

2. You both have a consistent on/off relationship pattern: You both may have broken up before and gotten back together. Heck, you may have broken up and gotten back together multiple times. But it doesn’t mean you should get back together again. If your relationship has a pattern of breaking up and getting back together, then there is something wrong and you should seriously take some time off before making a decision about getting back together.

A 2022 study concluded that on-again, off-again relationships can have a significant negative impact on the mental health of both partners. And the more times people breakup and get back together, the more stressful and unhealthy the relationship becomes.

If you have strong feelings for your ex and you want to make the relationship work, DON’T GET BACK TOGETHER IMMEDIATELY. Take some time off and think about the issues in the relationship that are causing these multiple breakups.

3. Your ex started dating immediately after the breakup: If your ex left you for someone else or if they started dating someone immediately after the breakup; then it’s a sign that they were thinking about dating that person for a while before the breakup. They may want you back once they start missing you and realize your importance, but getting back with them may not be the best decision for you.

If you find yourself in such a situation, take some time away from them and ask yourself what type of relationship, what type of commitment you want from your partner. Can your ex provide that type of commitment? As you spend time away from your ex and heal from the breakup, the answer to that question will become clear and you can make an informed decision about getting back together.

4. You are lonely: As you try to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and heal from the breakup, loneliness can kick you right back down without any warning. Loneliness can feel debilitating after a breakup. Especially if you don’t have any friends or family in the area. And as a result, your instinct may be to just get back with your ex to end the loneliness.

But it’s not a good idea to get back together just because you are lonely for a lot of reasons. The main reason being, if nothing has really changed (aside from your face off with loneliness), both of you will repeat the same patterns and breakup again.

Instead, face the loneliness and commit to doing no contact for a while. Spend as much time with friends and family as possible. And start dating whenever you feel ready. When you get comfortable with being alone and single, you will be in a much better mindset to make a decision if getting back with your ex is right for you.

5. You are desperate to get back together: If you want your ex because you are desperate, needy or insecure; then you should definitely wait for a few weeks or months. The fact is, we are wired to not to let go of a loved one so easily. Most people who go through a breakup have a part of their mind that wants to reconcile. A part that doesn’t want to let go of their ex. A part that wants to get back together.

If you feel a desperation to get back with your ex, then you are probably not making this decision out of wisdom. You are making this decision out of, uhm, desperation. And the best way to avoid making a wrong decision is to wait for a few weeks or months. You will eventually calm down and stop feeling so desperate about getting back together. And as a result, you will be able to make a better, informed decision.

6. Your ex is desperate to get back with you: Your ex may also be going through this desperation phase right now. And as a result, they may try a lot to convince you to get back together. They may promise that they will fix everything, that they will change, that they will do anything you ask them to do. But if they are coming from a place of desperation, then they are not coming from a place of confidence.

If you sense your ex is desperate to get back together, then ask them for some space and time. There is no need to get back together right this instance. And if they don’t have the patience to wait a few weeks, then they don’t want to get back together for the right reasons.

7. There were commitment issues: If you or your ex were afraid of committing to each other, then spending some time apart is the best way to understand how you (or your ex) really feel about the relationship. If you have strong feelings for each other even after spending a few months apart, then it will be easier to commit to each other when you get back together.

Situations where you should strongly consider getting back together with your ex.

In the following situations, getting back together almost always works out and leads to a healthy long lasting relationship.

1. If enough time has passed and you both still want to get back together: If a lot of time has passed, then chances of you wanting to get back together out of desperation or loneliness are less. And it’s probably a good idea to consider getting back together provided the issues that lead to the breakup can be fixed.

One of our readers, Shelly Crampton, got back with her ex after almost a year. Crampton was 28 years old. She and her ex were together for around 2 years before the breakup and were separated for almost six months before getting back together. Here’s what she said about getting back together.

“We didn’t speak to each other for almost two months. By the time he returned from his trip, I had almost gotten used to living without him. Almost. When he contacted me, I realized I still had feelings for him. I could live without him. I was even happy without him. I didn’t need him. But I knew if we gave it another shot, we could both be happier. He asked me to meet up and talk. Surprisingly he felt the same about me and wanted to work through our issues.”

2. If the way you both communicate now is significantly better than before: The one thing that’s most common in couples who successfully get back together is that they communicate much better than they did before. It’s a sign that both you and your ex are committed to understanding each other and make things work.

One of our readers Leona Krajnc got back with her ex after almost a year of the breakup. The issue that kept them apart was their lack of communication. Here’s what she said about the way they communicated when they met.

“We finally openly talked about the things that drove us apart. We both understood each other in a way we were never able to do before. I could sense that he really listened now and really cares about what I think and what I want.”

3. If the issues that lead to the breakup can be fixed: If both of you can clearly pin point the issue that lead to the breakup and find a solution to it, then getting back together makes sense. Note that there should actually be a plan to fix what was broken. If the plan is just “I won’t do it again”; then it’s not really a plan of action. It’s just a disingenuous apology disguised as a plan to convince you to get back together.

4. If it was a situational breakup and the situation has changed. Sometimes, people breakup because of situations or circumstances. Maybe a job that was too demanding, long distance, toxic family members interfering in the relationship. If the situation has changed significantly and you think it will remain this way, then it makes sense to give it another shot.

5. If the relationship moved too fast but you are both ready to take it slow: One type of reconciliation I have seen couples have success with is when a relationship moves too fast, leads to fights and then a breakup. If you and your ex felt an intense connection and moved too fast in the relationship, it may have caused unnecessary tension/fights that may have lead to the breakup. However, this does not mean you aren’t meant to be. It doesn’t mean the connection/the chemistry wasn’t real. This just means that you both didn’t give your relationship enough time to develop strong foundation and you need to take it slow. Getting back together may be a good idea if you both decide to take it slow this time.

One of our old readers, Natalie Iraola, moved in with her boyfriend too soon in the relationship. They broke up two months later. Natalie never gave up on her ex but didn’t really push him to get back together. She followed our advice and focused on personal growth and accepting the breakup. They eventually got back together 3 months after the breakup, moved back in together a year later and got married a few years after that. They now have a beautiful child together.

According to Natalie, “There was no pressure to get back together. I didn’t want to force anything but I’d never felt anything like I felt for Diego. We gave each other the space and would just check in with each other. It worked because we got back together two months later and the rest is history.”

Her then ex and now husband, Diego, says, “I think we have both helped each other in this relationship grow and seek our truest selves. As cliche as that sound.”

6. If you and your ex are committed to growth: Self-growth is not necessary in all successful reconciliation. But it certainly doesn’t hurt. If you and your ex are committed to self-growth or self-improvement, and you still both want to give it another shot; then it increases your chances of a successful reconciliation by tenfold. Just make sure you are communicating with each other honestly and openly throughout.

7. If you are both open to getting professional help: Couples therapy can be a great way to fix the underlying issues that may have lead to the breakup. Dr. John Gottman said that couples wait an average of six years being unhappy before getting help. If you and your ex are open to going to couples therapy, then it’s definitely worth giving it another shot. A good therapist can help you both figure out if getting back together makes sense for you, if you should spend some time apart or if you should call it quits.

Things You Should Do Before Deciding To Get Back Together

While you are making the decision to get back together, doing the following will help you understand your breakup and what it would take to get back in a healthy relationship.

1. Spend some time apart

In most situation, it just makes sense to take some time apart and think things through.

I recommend you follow the No Contact Rule for a few weeks or a few months before you make a decision to get back together. The No Contact Rule essentially states that you refrain from contacting your ex so both of you can heal from the breakup and grow individually. If you still have feelings for your ex after that and you want to try reconciliation, you can choose to contact your ex after that.

For now, you don’t have to give up on your desire to get your ex back. But you should make sure that you don’t make this decision based purely on fear. And doing no contact after a breakup is a great way to get some perspective and heal.

Reader Experience: Waiting a few extra weeks helped Ari avoid a huge mistake

Source: An Email Coaching Client from 2017.

Ari (F24) experienced a devastating breakup after a she graduated college and was just about to start her career. Her boyfriend Andre (M25) left her and gave her the “I need to explore and find myself before I can commit” line.

They were together for four years. She always thought that they would be one of those couples who would always be in love with each other forever. They were the perfect couple throughout college and everyone knew they were gonna get married eventually.

When the breakup happened. She couldn’t really believe it for a while. She cried for two days straight. Barely ate anything. And just couldn’t get the energy to go out and meet her girlfriends.

She started feeling better on the third day. But she still couldn’t stop thinking about Andre.

She would text him constantly and he would reply only once in a while. Just enough to give her a little bit of hope.

She read a lot of articles and watched YouTube videos teaching how to get an ex back.

By the end of the week, she had decided to implement the No Contact Rule. She decided to stop contacting her ex, and just do things that made her feel better. This included gym, yoga, meditation dance classes and a night out with the girls.

Things started getting better. But she still couldn’t stomach the thought of dating again.

“When I went out with my girlfriends, everyone expected me to give my number out other guys. But I felt so guilty about doing that. It felt like I was cheating on Andre. Even though we had been broken up for more than a week.

Whenever a guy approached me, it made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable that I would try to end the conversation as soon as possible.

All I could think about was what if Andre is out there approaching girls in another bar? What if he meets someone and forgets about me?

When a guy asked for my number, I felt so guilty that I told him I have a boyfriend. My friends didn’t really approve of that.”; said Ari about her night out experience.

But Andre didn’t really know how Ari felt. The news of “night out with her girls” reached Andre. And he freaked out. The thought of Ari dating someone else was unbearable for him.

And he came back to her. Begging for another chance. Pleading and telling her that he made a huge mistake and he would never leave her again.

Suddenly, Ari didn’t feel so anxious anymore. This was all she wanted. She can have him back if she chooses to. But something about him begging her to take him back felt off. What changed suddenly? Is he done exploring?

So Ari asked herself, “Should I get back with my ex?” And with some advice from our coaches, she decided to wait until making a final decision.

“I am not sure if we should get back together. I do still have strong feelings for you and I think about you all the time, but I just don’t know if anything has changed. How can I trust you to not leave me again like that?” She told Andre.

Andre tried to convince her, but the only thing she agreed to was giving each other some time and revisiting the topic in a month.

If they were truly meant to be, time will only bring them closer. Right?

A lot of things changed during that month. Ari realized that Andre and her were very different people. They both wanted very different things in life. Andre, was clearly not ready to commit and provide the stability and security that Ari needed in her life.

Through therapy, Ari realized she was an anxious attachment style, and Andre was not healthy for her. There were a lot of things in the relationship that caused Ari to feel anxious and develop an unhealthy codependency on Andre.

At the end of the month, when they both met, Andre was also not sure about getting back together with her. While he still confessed his love, he again said that he wants to “explore” and is not ready to commit yet. He proposed an open relationship. And Ari was strong enough to say no and move on from him.

Here’s what Ari said after a few years of the breakup.

“I am glad I took some time to make the decision. If we had gotten back together, we would have continued our relationship and wasted many more years to realize what we realized in that one month. That we are both not compatible. We actually ended up being good friends and are both in separate healthy relationships.”

Moral of the story: Even if getting back together seems like the easy thing to do, it’s not always the right thing. In most cases, it’s better to take some time apart to make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons.

2. Make sure you are not deciding out of desperation or a fear of losing your ex.

Breakup grief can cause a lot of stress. Like grief, breakup grief can have stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each stage can happen at different times and may last for different duration depending on the individual.

While it may feel overwhelming, it’s important to remember that it’s a natural process and that healing takes time. Seeking support from loved ones or a mental health professional can be helpful in navigating the difficult emotions associated with a breakup.

But if you are thinking about getting back together with your ex, then you may be going through the bargaining stage of the breakup grief. Ask yourself the following questions to get some clarity.

  • Are you terrified of losing your ex to someone else?
  • Are you extremely anxious, sad or depressed right now?
  • Are you extremely anxious or desperate to get your ex back?

3. Spend time with friends and family.

One of the most important thing you can do after a breakup is spend some quality time with your friends and family. It’s a great way to stop yourself from feeling lonely and heal from the breakup. By spending time with loved ones, you are reminding yourself that you are loved and that you are not alone. Having a support system in place is very healthy and you should rely on that after a bad breakup.

4. Ask your friends and family about your relationship.

While you are in a relationship, your friends and family try to sugarcoat their opinion about your partner and your relationship. But after a breakup, all bets are off. If you ask them their honest opinion about your ex and how you were in the relationship, you are going to get some really honest opinion.

Listen to their opinion carefully. They may not be relationship experts but they do know you and can give you some good insights in how you were during the relationship. Here are some questions you can ask your friends and family.

  • Do you think I was generally more happy when I was with my ex than I was before I met them?
  • Do you think my personality changed significantly when I was with my ex? If so, was the change positive or negative?
  • Do you like my ex as a person? Do you think they are someone you would like to have in your life as a friend?
  • Do you think my ex treated me with respect?

5. Ask yourself if the relationship truly has potential to be an awesome relationship.

relationship potential

Just because you and your ex can fix what was broken in the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should try to fix it and get back together.

Getting an ex back can take a lot of time and energy from you. And in the end, doing all that work may not really be worth it. For all you know, you may fix what was broken in the relationship only to realize that you and your ex are just not that great together.

You need to figure out if the relationship with your ex has a good potential to be an amazing relationship. The kind of relationship you deserve.

When it comes to getting your ex back, you shouldn’t be saying;

“Ehh. Why not?”

You should be saying;

“I really think we can have a great future. I am excited about it.”

When you think about your past relationship, try not to think about the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Think about all the ups and downs, about the connection you felt with each other, about how the relationship affected your growth and other areas of your life.

great relationship with ex

6. Think about the reasons for the breakup and if they could be fixed.

You’ve probably heard the saying that an ex is an ex for a reason.

Unless you understand that reason, and it can be fixed, getting back with your ex is not going to work.

Here are a few common reasons for breakups that we usually come across from our readers and clients.

  • Not ready to committing to a relationship.
  • Neediness and insecurity pushing your partner away.
  • Neglecting the relationship that causes your ex to lose attraction towards you.
  • Infidelity or betrayal of trust.
  • Lack of trust causing extreme stress in the relationship.
  • Outside interference such as parents, relatives or friends.
  • Communication issues, arguments and fights.
  • Differences in values, beliefs or life goals.
  • Inability to handle stress, conflicts or challenges in the relationship.
  • Lack of emotional intimacy or physical attraction.
  • Growing apart due to distance, time or changing circumstances.
  • Financial problems or disagreements about money management.
  • Mental health issues or substance abuse problems.

Understanding the real reason of the breakup is important if you want to make sure you are getting your ex back for the right reasons.

If you are desperate to get your ex back, or if you are lonely, you may try to convince yourself that things can easily be fixed. But it’s important to slow down and try to get a realistic perspective of what needs to be done to make the relationship work.

Sometimes, the solution to the issue could be relatively simple (although it still needs effort, time and perspective).

  • If the breakup happen due to a communication issue, argument or heat of the moment, just talking about it openly and honestly can help fix the issue.
  • If long distance caused the breakup, then getting a job in the same city can fix most of the issues that lead to the breakup.
  • If one, or both of you neglected the relationship, then just creating a schedule to spend quality time together, and putting in a lot more effort should fix things.
  • Inability to handle stress or conflicts in a relationship can be fixed by learning stress management tactics, communicating effectively, creating a system that works for both of you.
  • If it has been a while since the breakup and both of you have already fixed the major issues that lead to the breakup in the first place (such as insecurity, maturity, commitment issues, jealousy, communication etc.)

But often times, things are a lot more complicated and require introspection, self-awareness, communication and a lot of work from both parties.

  • If one of you was insecure, needy that caused the other one stress; then you should work on your insecurity and try to figure out the root cause of the issue. You may have an anxious attachment style and your ex’s avoidant attachment style may be aggravating your anxiety. You both may need to work on your issues separately before you can come together. (See the reader story below for an example of this)
  • If the breakup was caused due to infidelity or lack of trust, then you both may need to explore what caused the lack of trust or what lead to infidelity. You also may need to make a lot of compromises to rebuild the trust. Getting back together after infidelity is very difficult but it is possible.
  • If one of you was not ready to commit, then you should explore what has changed since the breakup and if you are both ready for a commitment. Communication, understanding each others needs, and honesty is very important before you commit to getting back together.

And sometimes, the issues that lead to the breakup are so vast and complex that even the most dedicated efforts to resolve them may prove to be futile.

  • If both of you have grown apart, then you probably can’t really pinpoint exactly how to fix that issue. You’ve both just grown apart. And you can’t really grow in the reverse direction into loving each other the same way again. Maybe after years of staying apart you both grow into loving each other again. But it’s not something you can control or plan.
  • If there are differences in your core values, beliefs or life goals; then there isn’t much you can do about it to change that. You can try to make compromises if the differences are minor. But any major difference is going to create a rift between the both of you sooner or later.
  • Mental Health Issues, Substance Abuse Problems, Narcissism, or abuse (of any kind) make it very difficult to fix the issues after getting back together. These issues often require years of therapy, individual work and there is still no guarantee that you would be able to have a healthy, long lasting relationship with them. (Note: If you or anyone you know is experiencing abuse of any kind, get help immediately).

There are, of course, exceptions to this and a lot of people get back together in a healthy relationship despite all odds against them. Some of my clients have gotten their ex back even though it seemed like the issues were unfixable. But in my experience, the common denominator in such cases is the willingness and dedication to improving oneself. That may be through self-help activities, self-help courses, coaching, or therapy.

Our study showed that self-help is the most important factor when it comes to getting back with an ex.

A lot of times, it’s the intense love for their ex that drives people to self-improvement, therapy, or coaching. And that dedication to fixing the issues often leads my clients and readers to getting back in an amazing relationship with their ex

Reader Experience: An Anxious Jane Gets Back Together with an Avoidant David

Source: Reader Email

Jane (F34) was in a relationship with David (M29) for more than 5 years. While David reassured her that age wasn’t an issue, Jane still felt insecure about being older than him.

Her insecurity made her feel like she always needs to be in crisis control. That she needs be vigilant if she wants to save this relationship from what seemed like an inevitable doom.

When David came home late, she would fear that he was spending time with his young coworkers? She needed to discuss it and be reassured that he won’t cheat on her.

If David wanted to spend some time away from her and with his friends, it would make her feel like he is avoiding her and no longer loves her. She would try to control it but her feelings would eventually come out in the form of a petty argument.

The insecurity became worse when David didn’t propose even though they discussed marriage.

“I thought we we discussed that we will get married within a year. But he never proposed. I just couldn’t help but think it’s because he wants someone younger and is not telling me about it.

The last month, we would fight on every little thing. And he would always just retreat and shut down. It infuriated me that I couldn’t get a response out of him.

At the end of the month, I decided to end it because I was sure he no longer loved me. He cried, but he agreed to the breakup.

And now, I just can’t stop thinking about him. About how I made a huge mistake. That maybe we could have fixed things.” Said Jane when she came to us.

She wanted to try to get back together, but decided to follow the steps that we laid out in this article.

She realized that her insecurity and fear had a lot of control over her. It was her insecurity that lead to most of the fights and what pushed David away.

Through therapy, she realized she was an anxious attachment style and David was an avoidant attachment style. She started understanding the relationship dynamics and what caused so much friction in the relationship. She started to understand how her actions, her fights, her scream for attention drained David.

She continued therapy while keeping a minimum contact with her ex. They still spoke, but only when David reached out. She knew that David still loved him but he just wasn’t sure how to say it without hurting her or getting back into another draining relationship.

After a month of minimum contact, Jane asked David to meetup and talk. She laid out what she learned in therapy about herself and David. She also laid how they can make the relationship work by communicating better and taking things slow.

Fortunately, David was also working on self-improvement and was learning to realize how to express his feelings and his needs. He shared how he felt pressured to propose and his mind just shut down whenever he wanted to share his feelings. He shared that he just couldn’t see himself getting married to her and continue the same fights and arguments for the rest of his life. He shared how he was glad that she broke up with him because he didn’t have the courage to do it himself.

David still loved her, but wasn’t ready to get back together. They both decided to start dating again slowly rather than jumping back in a relationship. They also went to couples counseling together. Eventually, they officially got back together.

“Today is a very special day. Not just because I am getting married. But because I am sure that I have an amazing relationship with the person I love with all my heart. To me, marriage just feels like a celebration of our love that I know will pass the test of time, rather than a proof of his commitment. I already know he is committed and I know we love each other.” Said Jane when she emailed on the day of her marriage 2 years after the breakup.

Moral of Jane’s Story: Pushing a relationship to work will only push your partner away. Instead, work on yourself and try to understand what is making you anxious, needy or desperate. If your partner cares for you, more often than not, things will work out in the end.

7. Get Professional Help if it feels Overwhelming

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed and extremely sad after a breakup. Breakup grief is a natural and common human experience. But it gets better with time. Doing no contact and focusing on yourself should help you start feeling better.

However, if the feeling of sadness is unbearable, and it’s severely affecting your personal and professional life, then you should seek professional help. In most cases, getting therapy from a qualified therapist is the best option. A therapist can help you deal with the breakup grief, process your feelings, and find a way forward. A qualified therapist can also teach you coping techniques and uncover any underlying issues that may be aggravating the breakup pain.

In addition, you can also try things like,

  • Speaking to a relationship coach to help you understand your breakup and relationship patterns. (Check out our services over here.)
  • Joining a support group in your area. Speaking to people who are going through the same thing can help.
  • Asking your friends or family to help you. Spending time with loved ones helps a lot in times when you feel uncertainty and overwhelmed.
  • Activities that can help you process and accept the breakup such as meditation and journaling.
  • Online resources that focus on guiding you through the healing process after a breakup. (Such as our 30 days email course that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.)

What You Should Talk About At The Time Of Getting Back Together

Alright, so you are leaning towards getting back with your ex. But just because you think it could work, there is still one variable that you must consider. Your ex. After all, even if things could be fixed, it would take two people to do so. If your ex doesn’t take the responsibility for their part, then things can never work out the way you imagine them to.

Here’s what you should talk about when you and your ex talk about getting back together.

1. Agree on the reasons for the breakup: If you and your ex can’t agree on why the breakup happened, you can’t really agree on a solution. It’s mostly a non-issue in most scenarios; but if it becomes an issue, then it’s a deal breaker. If you think your ex has anger issues and your ex thinks it’s the dog’s fault for making him angry, then you are better off without him.

2. The growth/insights you have gained during your time apart: Successful reconciliations stories have couples talk about what they have learned during their time apart. In most cases, they both grow and gain some insights about themselves and their relationship patterns. Talk about these things with your ex to get a good idea about where they stand.

3. The Communications Issues/unhealthy patterns that lead to the breakup: In a lot of breakups, there were some unhealthy patterns that lead to the breakup. These patterns could be communication related, behavior related or something that you both kept ignoring for too long. It’s a good idea to talk about these patterns before you actually decide to get back together.

4. A plan to fix what went wrong: This is one of the most important aspect of getting back together. Don’t take back your ex until you talk about this. What are they going to do to change? Don’t believe your ex just because they say they’ve changed. Real change takes time and energy. They are not going to start communicating better unless they actually make an effort to learn to communicate better. They are not going to let go of the jealousy or insecurity unless they address the underlying issues that cause the jealousy or insecurity. They are not going to stop cheating on you unless they agree to go to couples therapy and do what it takes to rebuild the trust.

Don’t let your ex just walk back into your life without putting in any real effort into fixing what was wrong. This is especially true if the breakup was serious and you had a long term relationship with your ex.

What You Should Do After Getting Back Together To Make Sure It Lasts

If you have talked openly and honestly till now, your new rekindled relationship should be much stronger than before. Follow this advice to make sure you and your ex stay together in a healthy relationship for a long time.

1. Communicate Honestly and Openly: Healthy communication is one of the most important foundation of a relationship. Now that you are back together, make sure that you are communicating honestly and openly.

2. Keep a lookout for the patterns that lead to the breakup: Remember the unhealthy patterns that contributed to the breakup. There is a good chance they may pop up again. Human beings, after all, are a creature of habit. Once you find these patterns popping up, you need to take a step back, recognize those patterns and act differently. To break the patterns, you need to recognize them and say to your partner, “Hey, we are doing the same thing again. We need to be aware of this and do better.”

3. Hold each other accountable: Remember the plan you made to fix the issues that lead to the breakup? You gotta stick to the plan. If your partner committed to couples therapy, you need to follow through and attend the therapy sessions. If one of you said that they will put more effort in spending time together, then call them out when they don’t prioritize the relationship.

4. Be Prepared to walk away if it wasn’t the right decision: Sometimes, people end up getting back together with an ex only to realize that the new relationship is even more toxic than before.

Sometimes, an ex is so good at convincing you that things will change that you invest all your emotion into the new relationship. Only for the ex to betray you, use you and go back to the same old patterns again.

Sometimes, you invest so much into the idea of getting your ex back, that you just can’t imagine leaving them even if the relationship is taking a toll on your mental and emotional health.

In a study published in the Journal of Current Psychology, researchers found that we continue to stay in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship because we have already invested a lot of time in it. It’s also known as the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

If you invest a lot of time, energy and emotion in getting your ex back, you may continue to stay in the relationship despite it being, unfulfilling, unhealthy, emotionally draining or even toxic.

This is why, it’s extremely important to make sure that you are strong enough to walk away from your ex if getting back together doesn’t work out.

Reader Experience: Despite all odds, Jack got his ex back. But he was in for a shock.

Source: Reader Emails

Jack (M29), was with Didi (F27) for just over 3 years before they broke up. Jack, was always the people pleaser. He was the quintessential, “Nice Guy”. When they initially started dating, he would take Didi to dates, always buy her flowers, open doors for her and listen to her for hours.

Didi, loved him for all the effort he put in the relationship. When they started dating, she would often joke about how he is probably the last gentleman left on planet earth.

Whenever they fought, John would go the extra mile to please Didi. He would buy her gifts when she was upset and things would go back to being normal again.

Until one day, Didi just started slowly pulling away. She wasn’t upset, but she also wasn’t fully into the romantic stuff they used to do. She almost started acting like a room mate despite Jack’s best efforts to woo her.

After a month of this, Didi broke up with him. He was devastated. But he eventually found his way to our article on getting your ex girlfriend back.

He started no contact, worked on his issues, learned to stand up for himself, joined a few support groups in his area and started expressing himself more.

As he gained more confidence, he stopped people pleasing all the time. He eventually reached out to Didi (after almost two months), and they instantly felt a connection. Jack was more confident, more upfront about what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to make a move. This was turn on Didi and it wasn’t long before they were back together.

The relationship was stronger than before. They communicated better. The sex was better. Didi felt head over heals with him.

The new relationship lasted for a year before Didi confessed something devastating. She confessed that she cheated on Jack a month before they both initially broke up. She said couldn’t live with the guilt of cheating on him and she had to get it off her chest.

Jack was devastated. But he didn’t react. He asked for some space. And he leaned on his men’s support group and his relationship coach to talk things out. He talked to them about how hurt he was and what cheating meant to him.

In the end, he came to the conclusion that he could never get over the fact that she cheated on him. And he needs to walk away from her. The breakup was painful, but it was the right decision for him to walk away from his ex.

“I worked hard during the initial breakup to build my self-esteem and rediscover myself. I went through a lot of pain to become the person I became. And I just couldn’t let all that be in vain. I had to let her go because I know I could never fully trust her again. And I deserve a better relationship than that.”

Conclusion

Each relationship is unique and so is the situation you are in. While I’ve tried to cover a lot of situations in this article, you may still need some time to figure out if getting back together is the right decision for you.

My most recommended resource to help you process the breakup (and possibly get your ex back in a healthy relationship) is our free 30 days email course. You can subscribe to this e-course by taking the EBP Basics Quiz. It will also tell you your chances of getting back (which are usually very accurate).

Other than that, read the following articles to help you formulate a plan to heal from the breakup and move forward with your life (with or without your ex).

The No Contact Rule – Heal From The Breakup While Increasing Your Chances of Getting Back Together

How To Get Your Ex Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan

Should I Text My Ex? – When You Should and When You Shouldn’t

9 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back (And You Are Not in Denial)

References:

Field, Tiffany, et al. “Breakup distress in university students: a review.” College Student Journal, vol. 45, no. 3, Sept. 2011, pp. 461+. Gale Academic OneFile, link.gale.com/apps/doc/A270894533/AONE?u=googlescholar&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=4613abcf. Accessed 10 Apr. 2023.

Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. Is there a Sunk Cost Effect in Committed Relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-016-9529-9

About Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson is a breakup expert and coach with more than 11 years of experience of helping people recover from a breakup and get back in a healthy relationship.

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33 reader experiences ...add one
  • Carrie

    Hi Kevin!
    My boyfriend of 1 year and 9 months and I just broke up last week. I had always had trust problems from previous boyfriends that carried over into our relationship. I made him cut out all of his friends and girl friends and not go to parties or go out anywhere. He knew I had trust problems and wanted to help me learn to trust him so he did all of these things for me.

    However, I kept making him cut out things in his life because I felt that the more I asked him to do for me and if he would do it for me, the more control I had and the more I knew I could trust him. We began to fight every week about my controlling issues. I would find something I didn't like that he did and yell at him until he changed it.

    He broke up with me because he couldn't handle it anymore and I understand why he did and I feel horrible about it. I have been trying to take my mistakes and grow from them and give him the space he needs.

    I want him to be able to have friends of all gender and do what he wants without feeling like I am holding him back. I do miss him obviously but I feel that the 30 day period will bring me clarity and help a lot. I understand what I did wrong and would never do that to anyone again. However, I need opinions if this would be worth another shot or if it seems like a break up that just needs breathing space instead of full on ending it.

    Reply
    • Denise

      Same situation i had why my boyfriend broke up with me.

      Reply
    • Kevin

      I think it's worth another shot if you actually work on your issues while you are both apart.

      Right now, you just feel like you will not repeat the same mistakes again. But the fact is, you have some issues that lead you to want to control his life so much.

      Those issues won't simply just go away once you get him back. You probably have an anxious attachment style, trust issues and maybe even self-esteem issues. And I urge you to explore all that before you both decide to get back together.

      Reply
  • Martian

    Hey, my s/o and I recently split after a couple of years and I thought things were going great (we recently moved into a bigger apt. talked about the future etc.). Apparently my counterpart had thought about splitting for some time and decided that the timing was right.

    However, I do not, in any way, feel the same. I really think we have/had much more to give and much more to learn togheter as a couple. Right now I am going to work on redeveloping myself and become stronger. When should I reconsider our relationship? What do I do if I come to the conclusion that I want to try again?

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Hi Martian,

      I recommend you give yourself at least a month of minimum or no contact before making a consideration. If you decide you want to try again, reach out to her. I talk about ways to reach out to an ex in this article and this article.

      Reply
  • Marie

    I have been with my boyfriend 4 years, however this last year has been my hardest, he seemed to have got too comfortable with us, it always seemed it was one sided. He didnt treat me great, i kept saying i was unhappy to try make him change the way he spoke to me. If he was in public he would speak differently.

    I used to ask him to do one job a week and even that wouldnt get done but other people would ask him to do jobs and he would jump. His mums comments are hard when i see him at work but he is always at work and always wants me to go. I felt so pressured but was affecting my mental health by going and getting comments. Putting me down.

    I went after a family member died and instead of a hello i got whats up with you why you so miserable. Didnt give her the satisfaction of me crying. I moved out for a week and his mum wrote a status about me. Just find it hard.

    I havent been perfect, when he lied i got insecure and kept messaging him too much probably. Im back with him now and some things have changed. But im still hurt trying to look forward but its hard.

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Hi Marie,

      You shouldn't just ignore what you are feeling right now. You are hurt for a reason and you need to process that. I think going for couples counseling is the best course of action. If that doesn't seem possible, then talk to him honestly about how you feel and why you feel this way. If he doesn't care about you being hurt, then he is not the right person for you.

      Reply
  • Emma

    Hi,

    I was with my partner for 3.5 years and we split up about 6 weeks ago. He is 24 and I am 31. He says he never wants kids and I love kids but unsure if I want my own. It's hard because I think my body clock is telling me to find a guy that wants them but if I found one or even if my ex changed his mind, I think I would freak out.

    He is the kindest man I have ever met and I know he loves me, but there is also a part of me that doesn't believe him and tries to sabotage everything- even without realising it sometimes. I don't know if it's because he is not for me, my body clock or my issues from past relationships.

    Anyway, I went round to his the other day to give each others stuff back. I had intended to keep it brief but we ended up talking for hours (not about the relationship) and had such a laugh and ended up having dinner together. We hugged a lot and I knew he wanted to kiss me but we didn't and I went home. He then text me asking if I would have stayed over then again saying I didn't have to answer that. I just thanked him for a lovely night.

    We text a couple of days later and I was honest and said that I had loved spending time with him again and he hasn't replied.

    We love each other but there are doubts. I am so confused and heartbroken. I also feel like I have let myself be codependent with him instead of focusing on my life, which I am committed to doing now no matter what happens. I really want to make it work in the future though.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Emma,

      I think you honestly need to sit down and figure out what it is you want. It looks like the crossroads here is between him, or starting a family, so it's important to know which comes first to you, and stick to it. You wouldn't want to regret down the road on a decision you felt wasn't made based on thorough logic but whim of the moment and it's too late to go back in time to change anything.

      Reply
  • Rachael

    My ex and I broke up a month ago, we were only a week off from hitting 2 years. We were happy, but one night we had the “future talk” and he said “I don’t know what I see yet,” and I shut down. I lied and told him “me too, I don’t know if I see one,” but I did/do.

    I love him and I didn’t tell him that till after we broke up, it was a mutual thing, but I kinda thought “I should let him go.” Also known as I gave up. He was upset, but “understood” what I was doing and agreed to the break up. We agreed to be friends, in time. I made the mistakes of having those “serious talks” and begged him to take me back. He isn’t someone to show too much emotions, but he tells me and I can see that he struggles as much as i do. He told me he misses me and still cares for me.

    He also says I was/am the first person who he has been able to be his true self, but we aren’t “fundamentally right” for each other. He said the song “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille sums up our break up. He wants me to be happier.

    He feared that “you are too good for me,” and “I didn’t deserve you,” but I was there because I wanted him. I thought and still do think that we had a great relationship.

    It’s hard because we see each other around campus and I’ve become a part of his friend group. What do I do if I see him? We’re doing the no contact phase, but I see him for volleyball so how do I handle it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to completely ignore or avoid him, but limit contact whenever you do have to see him to only necessary conversations like if there's a discussion or something.

      Avoid having one to one talks, and perhaps for the time being it would be better to limit contact with the friend group as well whenever he is around.

      And make sure you follow the advice in the above article. Take your time to decide if getting back together is the right decision for you.

      Reply
  • Trisha

    Is it worth trying to get back with an ex who left me because my Mom wasn't very fond of him? To give you some background, my mother is a narcissist. My ex wanted my mother to accept our relationship, however she wouldn't (for reasons best known to a narcissist person) and voiced her opinion to him.

    He left me(we were to get married a few months from now) and told me he can't deal with her behaviour towards him. I personally don't have any attachment to my mother left however I can't seem to get him to understand this since he is very very close to his parents and doesn't see cutting off his parents as an option.

    So my question- should I even bother? Because he is clearly more fixated with being with me if my mother miraculously becomes non-narcissist(which in all likelihood will never happen) or am I wasting my time over a man who is being selfish and just thinking about himself.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there is no way to get him to accept that your relationship with your mom is a strained one and it shouldn't matter whether she accepts the relationship or not, then there's probably no point in trying to win him back because he will only see it from his view and based on his relationship with his parents. If you think that you're able to at least change his mind a little or open to that idea, then yes, you could try to reach out again to win him back.

      Reply
  • A

    Is it possible to get my ex back?

    We were only together for a little more than a month, but we genuinely enjoyed spending time together etc, it was a bit problematic though because it was long distance, and we weren't officially a couple even though we acted like one.

    Also, he has an ex of 2 years before me and when we got together he was two months into his breakup, so I'm asking if there's any chance to get him back if he was using me as a rebound? Though it honestly didn't seem to me like I was a rebound.

    Reply
    • Ryan

      Is it possible to get my ex girlfriend back ?
      We recently broke up a month ago because I took her for granted. Basically I was going through a hard time. Had no friends and my career was not doing great. I developed low self esteem and got insecure and not confident. My ex girlfriend tried to help me over come my issues and to see that she is there for me. But I was not happy and treated her wrong and ignore her. So she had enough and broke up with me. Last week I decided to get help and I’m working on my self so I messaged her to say I am getting help and don’t want her to move on becos when I become a better person I would like to be a better person with her and we could have an amazing relationship again. She said she is happy for me but right now she can’t see us getting together because she needs to focus on her self for now. When she said those words I cried for a good weak and I’m currently depressed . Please help. Is there a chance ?

      Reply
      • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

        @Ryan Stick to making your changes and prove to her that you're capable of setting things right. Right now it's all just words to her, which is why she still can't see a future between the two of you. Similarly enough, just as it's only words to her, you shouldn't let her words affect your progress either and know that emotions weigh stronger than logic or decisions at times.

    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      @A Whether it was a rebound or not is probably the key factor in determining if the chances of getting him back are there or not. Especially in the case for a short relationship, it becomes crucial as there hasn't been enough time for both of you to build meaningful memories together to hold him to the relationship. In which case, it may honestly be better to think about moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Kelly

    Hey Kevin. My ex (29 yrs old) and I (30 yrs old) broke up just over a week ago. We had been dating just over 6 months. Everything seemed to be going great and things were getting pretty serious, talks about meeting each others families, having our own, etc.

    Earlier this month, he broke up with me out of the blue, saying that he felt that he needed to be alone to figure out who he is. He said that he is very happy when he's with me, but depressed and lost when he's alone. That he'd in consecutive long term relationships, and not spent much time alone and getting to know himself. He said he couldn't give me everything I deserved. He also has anxiety and some depression, which he does go to therapy for. We got back together the next day, and I told him that I would be supportive, that I care about his health, and that we could work through it together.

    Two weeks later, he broke up with me again for the same reasons. I have to respect his decision, because in the end I do need to be with someone who can be happy and healthy on their own. When he came over to trade belongings we spoke at length about the possibility of trying again when he starts feeling better about his situation. It seemed very positive, and we left on good terms, however sad we both were. We said we could be friends and check in (although I realize that might not be a good idea).

    I do care very deeply for him and believe we had a great, however short, relationship. I think I'd like to get back together one day, but I also feel a little burned that he didn't want to work through it together. I do believe in "through thick and thin" and feel a little sad that he didn't want to be there through my hard times. But also understand that "finding yourself" is a solitary action. I think if we got back together it could be great, but I'm worried that perhaps he'll leave again when things get difficult or that he didn't care enough about me. To be honest, I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. He's a good person, but a little confused right now. What are you thoughts?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he is struggling with anxiety and depression, his actions can be pretty common due to the changes in his thought and emotions. You'll have to keep this in mind if you genuinely want to pursue the relationship again in the future because there may future incidences similar to this as he may suddenly feel differently towards himself especially when he is alone. At the same time, you can't be there for him 24/7 and based on what you're saying, it seems like you being there only serves as a distraction from his negative emotions which come flooding back every time he is alone.

      Reply
      • Vivian Lau

        this sounds very similar to my situation, (age, length of relationship, "finding himself", depression and anxiety regarding commitments). The only difference is that he told me he has just started therapy a couple weeks ago. I know therapy is a slow process but I do believe that if he keeps going it can help him find his way. How much time should I give him to gauge if he is managing his depression? I'm worried 30 days of no contact may be enough for me (I'm not depressed and am actually pretty happy with my life outside of the break up), but it may not be enough to give him a chance to heal?

        • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

          It definitely won't be enough for him to recover from depression because that would probably only be the part where he's making bits of progress. I think that 2 months would be a better time frame, and regardless of the stage of recovery he is in, you could attempt be there for him and support him through it.

  • John

    Is it EVER a good idea to get with an ex who cheated?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      If your ex is willing to work on whatever caused them to cheat. They must agree to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. And you are ready to forgive them and work on rebuilding the trust.

      There's some more guidelines in this article.

      Reply
  • Grace Kim

    Me and my ex had been together for 4 months. We recently broke up because he had depression, and we both didn't know if we had the potential to handle the risks. So we really didn't want to end our relationship at all, because we still did loved each other.

    We decided to continue texting and slowly distant each other until we fully moved on. However it doesn't seem to be working on me, because I wish to get back with him.... I was thinking of waiting for a month to see if its okay, but my friends say that a month is way too long to wait to see if I could get back with him. (They didn't like the fact that I broke up with him)...

    Should I get back with my ex? If so.. how long should I wait..?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      I don't think a month is too long. If he has depression, it might take even more than a month for him to get back on track, let alone get over you. I think you should contact him after a month, if he is receptive and warm, then continue, if not, then give it another month.

      Reply
  • Shannon

    So me and my ex dated for a year and 3 months, we were awkward at first but then we got very comfortable with each other and with time knew everything about each other and we told each other things nobody else knew. But since I'm a few towns over and we don't go to the same school, the distance was hard. We had to resort sky ping and snap chat etc.

    But my problem is that I broke up with him and I feel like it's all my fault. He has a new girlfriend now and I feel like it's a rebound relationship but I'm not exactly sure. Anyway my point is, I love him with all my heart but after the break up he had called me very rude names that made me cry a lot and feel bad about myself.

    So my question is is my ex worth it? Should I still be working on trying to fix things with him? Because he just completely is a jerk to me all the time.

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Hi Shannon,

      I think if you search within you, you will find the answer to your question. Is someone who is a jerk to you and calls you rude names worth getting back with?

      If the answer is not clear yet, I recommend you stop any contact with him for at least a month. You will eventually come to the conclusion that you deserve better than this. Much better.

      Reply
  • Ben Fox

    Hi Kevin, so were to start, I’m in a bit of a pickle.
    My (ex) girlfriend and I have been with each other for 9 years, happy and in a very loving relationship with her. In the past shes droped massive hints to my mother about marriage, until this May 2014.
    We met during a ski season and just hit it off from day 1, It was like finding a lost key that opened up a locker that you never knew about,
    So I work seasonal jobs away from her. it would be 6 months on 6 months away at a time, we would talk every other day and when were together we were the envy of all our friend, people would commented and asked both of us for advice on how to keep relationships strong over long distances.

    Sometimes she would come and do a season with me or we would travel together.
    We both view each other as best friends 1st, even now!

    any way cash has always been tight my end and I had got to know and become part of her family so I moved in to her family home when I was back.
    (i hope you can tell how close we had become)

    So I after 6 years I came to the decisions that she was the ONE but never had the funds to get the ring until last summer.

    My girl had just been traveling with her sis for 7 weeks and was on her way back ... But her dad died the day before she got back. This was at the end of November. We were to head off for a ski season together, I had pland that were on top of a mountain with the world at our feet I was going to pop the BIG question. Needless to say the next few months were very hard and I decided that it was the wrong time to ask for her hand!

    So 4 months pass with her being a bit distant (i had just thought it was due to her sudden loss) and she just comes out with it … she needs a brake … but in her words not a full split (i was left very confused).
    Well I was devastated! I had just committed to stop traveling and had made plans to get a real job and work close to her home and we would settle down.
    So I have been living with her (sharing her bed) and living with family for the past 3 months looking for work and a house away fome her.

    She’s has now asked me to give her some space for the next 6 months which I’m happy to do (with a heavy hart) but I’m filled with this fear that her sister is turning her against me and that I’m missing out on helping her though this very hard time. A time when I though that our bonds would get deeper.

    I am currently living at a summer camp for kids but its only for 4 weeks and I know I have to give her space but at some point I will have to return to her home to get some of my stuff as after 9 years we have a lot of stuff in stored at her home.

    What do I do I have made all the worst mistakes being needy and depressed and am now trying not to contact her unless it’s super important? She knows she devastated me and tells me she hates what she’s done to me and still tells me she loves me but if she loved me why would she want to hurt me like this, the reasons given for the brake were mostly true, things like I tended to rely on her to much and just being bit messy and disorganized . things that I am working on to rectify in my life any way.
    I have read lots of your articles and would like to know I if you think there’s a chance to remedy the relationship?!? Thanks for any hep you can give.

    Reply
    • Caring friend

      I am not Kevin, but I hope he replies to you very soon!!! If her Mom has been dropping massive hints to you about marriage and her dad died, it I think it would be the right time for you to propose to her, to show her you care and you are there for her. It sounds like you are very close to the family. I am not an expert, but it seems to me that 9 years is long enough for the girl to wait for a proposal. If her dad died and she did not get one, she may be wondering if you are the type if man who will be rock steady for her in the future. Go ahead Ben. It sounds like you love this girl and the family loves you too. Not every girl needs a big diamond ring. Ask her and see what she says. I hope Kevin replies to your question too as he may have a different take. I am a middle aged woman with 4 brothers. I have never been married. Many men just let the train pull out of the station for fear of making a mistake. Ig you don't want to lose here, I don't think you will lose her by asking her to marry you. She will either say yes or you will open a new line of discussion with her. Don't miss the train! Good luck.

      Reply
  • Alex

    Hi there, you've got a great website in here, I kinda read through your steps already. And this is my case, I fell in love with my gf and I've waited for 5 years to make sure everything's right until I proposed to her, everything went good, we've been together for nearly two years, everyday having sweet times together and we seldom quarrel because we don't like quarreling, if we've got any problem we'll just sit down and settle it immediately, until few months ago, she was texting with a guy in the same class as her, I thought it was just friends chat and didn't really pay much attention to it as I wanted to give her freedom to make friends.

    Then suddenly it came to this day when she suddenly proposed that we should be friends, she said she likes this guy and she likes me too, but she has lost her feelings on me, most of her friends supported me even her mother like me better than the new guy, they think we should be together instead of her be with the other guy there.

    I've begged her many times and she insist that we should just be friends, she doesn't even wanna give me a chance to try again, she said that the chance of both of us getting together is quite small, everytime I asked about her and that guy, she'll just ignore my question, when I asked will she choose that guy over me, she'll just ignore me, now we've stopped texting, what should I do?

    I really love her very much and she said she did and now even after we broke up, she also would like to hear about me and to know how am I doing lately, she said she still cares about me but it's just the feeling is not there. I really want her back, should I just let her go try the other guy there? What should I do now?

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Alex,

      It sucks but the relationship you both had was not that special. The feelings you have for her are not similar to the feelings she had for you. She started emotionally (and maybe physically) cheating on you while you were together. And she decided to break it off.

      Right now, by staying in contact with her, you are letting her eat her cake and have it too. You should not keep in touch with her and you should focus solely on healing from the breakup.

      Follow the advice in the above article to think very carefully if getting back together is the right option for you. In addition, read these two articles.
      My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me and I Will Use This To Become a Better Man
      My Girlfriend Cheated on Me - What Should I Do

      Reply
      • edward

        My case is similar Kevin. What do i expect after the no contact period? How do i approach it?

        • Ana

          Mines too is really similar but he wants to be single for now..but after the 30 or 60 days no contact how could i introduce the subject subtly that we could maybe get back together because i know he still has something for me but not that strong anymore?

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