Whether or not you should try to get your ex back or take your ex back is a very personal decision.
It is, after all, your life and you will have to live with the relationship if you get back with your ex.
This article will not give you a simple “yes” or “no” answer to that question. It will not try to convince you that “an ex is an ex for a reason” or that you should absolutely give your relationship another chance.
Instead, I will equip you with the tools you can use to make the right decision for YOU. I will give you a step by step process that you can use to make sure that if you get back together with your ex, you will not regret that decision.
But before we get into process, you may be wondering,
Do couples even get back together? And if so, do they stay together?
Wouldn’t it be good to know if other people got their ex back in a healthy and long-lasting relationship?
Wouldn’t it be good to know that not all breakups are final and that couples do get back together in a healthy relationship?
You will be glad to know that a lot of couples do indeed get back together in a healthy, long lasting relationships.
In fact, we conducted a study of 3.5k participants and found out that around 15% of participants got their ex back and stayed together.
But that’s not all, we also found that 15% of participants got their ex back and broke up again.
Do you know what that means?
It means that getting back together is the right decision for a lot of people. But it’s also the wrong decision for many.
If you get back together, there is a 50/50 chance your new relationship will be a healthy one.
If you are reading this article, I want you to make sure that you are on the healthy side of that 50/50 chance.
The objective of this article is to ensure that if you make the decision to get your ex back (or take your ex back), it’ll be the right decision for you.
If you are asking yourself questions like,
Should I Get Back With My Ex?
Or Should I Take My Ex Back?
The short answer to that question is, you should get back with your ex only if you think that you and your ex can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship after getting back together.
The long answer is that you need to ask yourself the right questions, you need to figure out if it’s even possible to get back together in a healthy relationship and you need to figure out how to do that if it’s possible.
To do that, I have a designed a step by step process you can follow. Let’s begin.
Step 1: Understand Your Desire to Get Back with Your EX
Why do you want your ex back?
A lot of people want an ex back because they think that their relationship was special.
Because they think that the connection was special. Because they think their love for their ex is special.
On the other hand, a lot of people want their ex back because they are afraid of losing them.
Or they are afraid of being alone. Or they are afraid of never finding someone else. Or they are afraid of never finding someone who loves them the way their ex loved them.
In my experience, the reason why someone wants an ex back is kind of a mixture of your love for your ex and your fear of losing them.
The first step in this process is to understand why you want your ex back.
I know you probably still have love for your ex and you still have the fear of losing them.
But what dictates your desire of getting them back? If you have to describe the content of this desire, how would you describe it?
Would you say it’s 50% love and 50% fear?
Or would you say that 80% fear and only 20% love?
Do you want your ex back mainly because of some kind of fear?
Or do you want them back because you have genuine love for them, and you feel there is a promising future with them?
Fear can control our lives in ways we don’t even realize. But once you become aware of these fears that control you, you take the first step towards overcoming them. Just by acknowledging that you want your ex back because of a “fear”, you may start feeling a lot better.
Note, that fear is an integral part of the human psyche. Just because you feel a lot of fear does not mean you should beat yourself over it. If your mind is afraid of losing your ex, it’s coming from a place of good intentions. It has your best interest at heart. You should not let fear dictate your decisions, but you should also acknowledge that this fear, this panicked part of your mind, has good intentions.
If you feel that fear is dictating your decision and action, then I highly recommend you step back and take some time to heal from the breakup. Stop contacting your ex and cut them off if need be.
Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule After a Breakup
You don’t have to give up on your desire to get your ex back. But you should make sure that you don’t make this decision based purely on fear. And doing no contact after a breakup is a great way to get some perspective and heal.
Step 2: Rule Out the Reasons to Not Get Your Ex Back
The first step is to understand your desire of getting your ex back. Once you are aware of the “Fear” side of your desire, you should be in a better state of mind to make this crucial decision. The decision that whether or not you should take your ex back (or try to get them back).
The second step is to make sure that you don’t make this decision based on irrational reasons.
The fact that you love your ex, you miss your ex, or that you are miserable without your ex is never a good reason to get back together. Even though your instinct has good intentions and wants the best for you, you don’t want to be making relationship decisions from a part of you that is fearful, needy or wounded.
Here are a few reasons the panicked mind may give you (and you will try to give to your friends and family), which are not really good reasons for reconciliation.
- I love him/her
- I can’t live without him/her
- I can never find someone like him/her
- He/She was my soulmate
- He/She was the one
- No one can ______ (insert some activity) like he/she used to do.
- He/She made me happy (the most ridiculous reason. If they did make you happy, why are you so miserable now)
- I am miserable without him/her.
- I can’t imagine a life without him/her.
- We were together for so many years, it just doesn’t make sense to end it.
There could be many other variations of the above. In most cases, if there is desperation or neediness in your reason, then it’s not a good reason to get your ex back (or take them back).
So what is a good reason to get your ex back?
In my opinion, the only reason to get an ex back is if you think there is a potential for a healthy, long lasting and amazing relationship with them.
No one can really guarantee that you will have a great relationship with your ex if you get back together. The only thing you can know is if there is a “potential” for a healthy and amazing relationship with them.
So how do you do that? The next three steps will tell you exactly how.
Step 3: Understand the Reason for The Breakup
Did your breakup happen because of a simple argument? Did your breakup because of a misunderstanding?
Or was it something more serious? Was it something like emotional abuse or infidelity?
If your ex broke up with you, they probably gave you a reason for the breakup. Maybe they just didn’t feel the same anymore. Or maybe they just didn’t feel like they are “in love” with you. Or maybe they were just tired of arguing all the time.
If you are thinking about getting back together with your ex, you should try to understand the real reason for the breakup.
If they didn’t feel the same anymore, why didn’t they? If they didn’t feel like they are “in love” with you, why didn’t they?
Did your behavior change in the relationship? Were you needy/insecure in the relationship? Did you do things that slowly pushed them away?
Or was it something that was completely out of control?
Maybe you didn’t change but they did. Did they adapt a new lifestyle that changed their perception of you? Were they mingling with a lot of new people? Did they become addicted to something?
If your ex was tired of arguing all the time, why were you both arguing all the time?
Is it because you both didn’t understand each other? Was it because your ex just refuses to compromise with you? Did you both ever try to learn to communicate better? If so, why didn’t it work?
Understanding the real reason of the breakup is important if you want to make sure you are getting your ex back for the right reasons.
But the real reason for a breakup is not always apparent to us immediately after the breakup.
For example, you may think that the real reason for the breakup is because you were needy/insecure. But in reality, you may be needy/insecure because your ex was doing things that made you needy/insecure. You may just be needy/insecure because they were not trustworthy. They constantly did things that caused you to doubt them.
You’ve probably heard that an ex is an ex for a reason. And unless you understand that reason and know how to fix it, there is no point in trying to get back together.
In most cases, I highly recommend that you take some space from your ex to get some perspective on the breakup. Again, doing no contact is a great way to start thinking clearly and understand the real reason for the problem.
Step 4: Understand If It’s Possible to Fix That Reason
There are things that can be fixed. And there are things that can’t be fixed. Once you have understood the real reasons for the breakup, you need to try to figure out if that thing can be fixed.
If the breakup happened because of your insecurity, then do you think it’s possible to change your insecure behavior? What would it take to get to the root of your insecurity and fix it? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to go to therapy or do the self-improvement work required to stop being insecure in the relationship?
If the real reason for the breakup was your insecure behavior combined with your ex’s avoidant behavior, then you need to figure out if they are both fixable. You may be willing to do the work needed to fix your insecure behavior but is your ex willing to do the work to fix their avoidant behavior.
If the reason for the breakup was bad arguments, then figure out if both of you can learn to communicate effectively? You may be willing to learn communication skills, but will your ex be willing to do the same?
If the reason for the breakup was your ex’s flirtatious behavior or their commitment issues, then can that be changed?
Again, it’s better to give yourself some space and time to think things through. If you are still panicking about losing your ex, then there is a good chance you will have wishful thinking about the breakup, and you won’t be realistic with yourself as you are thinking things through.
You may lie to yourself just because you want to believe that getting back together is a healthy decision. And that lie may cost you months or years of another unhealthy relationship followed by pain of another bad breakup.
Step 5: Understand the Potential of the Relationship with Your Ex
Just because you and your ex can fix what was broken in the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should try to fix it and get back together.
Getting an ex back can take a lot of time and energy from you. And in the end, doing all that work may not really be worth it. For all you know, you may fix what was broken in the relationship only to realize that you and your ex are just not that great together.
You need to figure out if the relationship with your ex has a good potential to be an amazing relationship. The kind of relationship you deserve.
You don’t want to get back together with your ex because of fear. You don’t want to get back with your ex because you don’t have a better option. You don’t want to reconcile with them because you think you don’t deserve someone better. Or worse yet, you shouldn’t get them back just because you didn’t have anything better do.
When it comes to getting your ex back, you shouldn’t be saying;
“Ehh. Why not?”
You should be saying;
“I really think we have a great future. I am excited about it.”
Here are a few ways to find out if there is a good potential to have an amazing relationship with your ex.
1. You Truly Had a Great Relationship:
Now you have to understand I am not talking about the Honeymoon stage of the relationship. You know the time where everything about your partner seems perfect and you never fight and you just can’t get over how amazing they are.
No, that does not define a great relationship. That’s just an average relationship with an average honeymoon period.
A great relationship is based on honesty, respect, communication, trust and compatibility.
How would you rate your relationship on these five factors?
If you think it was great in all these areas, then you can go ahead and say that your relationship with your ex was great. And I sincerely wish you the best in winning your ex back.
2. You and Your Ex Have a Child (or Children)
A divorce or a separation can be really hard on a child. Getting back together in a healthy relationship means potentially providing a loving and healthy environment for your child(ren) to grow up in. And that makes your relationship with your ex worth giving another shot.
But remember just because you have children with your ex does not mean you SHOULD try to get them back. You should still go through the first four steps and figure out if you and your ex can fix what was broken and be in a healthy relationship. If it can’t be fixed, then it’s better to end this relationship now rather than raise your children in an unhealthy environment.
3. Your Friends And Family Think It’s a Good Idea To Get Back Together
In most cases, your friends and family will tell you to just move on and forget about your ex. I wouldn’t say they are always right in doing so. However, if they tell you that you should try getting back together with your ex, then it means that the relationship with your ex is probably worth saving.
Your friends know you better than anyone else and if they think that your ex is worth giving it another try, then it means your relationship with your ex has a good potential of being a great relationship.
4. You Have Healed From The Breakup and You Still Feel That The Relationship Was Special
If enough time has passed and you think you have healed from the breakup, then you can most likely think about your past relationship from a neutral perspective. If you still feel that the relationship with your ex was something special and you are sure you are not just thinking this because you are afraid of losing your ex, then it’s probably a good idea to try to get back with your ex.
Again, in most cases, I recommend you do no contact and to heal from the breakup. It’s truly a great way to get some perspective. If you feel that it’s going to push your ex away, I highly recommend you read my 5 step plan on getting your ex back or getting your ex girlfriend back.
Step 6: Figure Out if It’s Even Possible to Get Your Ex Back in Healthy Relationship
So, you’ve realized that you want to get back together because of the right reasons, that whatever was broken in the relationship can be fixed, and that your relationship with your ex has a potential to be a great one.
But is it something that’s even possible?
If your ex wants you back, then the answer to that question is simple. Yes, you can get your ex back. You just need to tell them that you are ready to take them back. The only thing you need to do is make sure that you get back in a healthy relationship. You can do that by discussing what was broken and how to fix it.
But if your ex doesn’t want you back, things get a lot more complicated. And for that, I have written in depth articles that you can read. The links for these articles is below.
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Permanently – 5 Step Plan (If you want your ex-boyfriend back)
How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up (If you want your ex-girlfriend back)
But before you even go on this journey to try to get your ex back, you should understand your chances of getting your ex back. There’s no point in trying if you don’t have any chances, right? I’ve designed a quiz that will tell you your chances of getting your ex back quite accurately. You can take the quiz by clicking here.