As you can read in the guide to get your ex back and my guide to get your ex girlfriend back, I recommend that you stay at least 30 days without contacting your ex. In this article, I am going to go on to explain some of the reasons why it’s highly recommended for you to for so long.

Reason 1: You and Your Relationship

addiction to an exDid you know that breakup pain is associated with the same part of your brain as drug addiction?

You know how some people say they are addicted to their significant other? Well, in reality, this addiction is very real. And the best way to handle any addiction is to stay away from the drug.

I know that you want your ex back and you see no point in staying away from them when all you want is to end up in their arms. But, do you really think it’s the healthiest choice for you? Let’s just say you were addicted to heroin. And suddenly there was no where you can buy heroin. Would you use this as an opportunity to quit your addiction or would you travel to a different country just so you could satisfy your addiction?

You have to be sure whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together. There is no point in going back to an unhealthy addiction when it’s no longer in your life.

How do you determine whether you want to get back together for the right reasons? Here are a few points to help you go through.

  1. Remember the relationship with your ex. Remember the time you spent together. Whenever you were together, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If you felt insecure whenever you were with your ex, you are probably just addicted to him/her. On the other hand, if your ex made you feel secure, happy, and confident about yourself, then there is a chance that he/she might be worth getting back.
  2. Do you just hate being alone? Does waking up alone in the morning makes you feel horrible about yourself? Do seeing other couples make you wish your ex was here with you at this moment? If so, then chances are, you are just addicted to being in a relationship. There is nothing special about your ex that makes you want to get back with them.
  3. Do you think about your ex all the time, completely ignoring your life goals, your career, your health, and your sleep? If so, then you are just suffering from grief. It’s a completely normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like you are in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos. It’s very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal symptoms after quitting. They feel like the only thing that can help them feel better is heroin. In reality, it’s the heroin that’s made them feel this way in the first place.

Reason 2: Your Mental Health

As we established before, you are not very capable of making huge life decisions after a breakup. And your relationships with your ex might not be as great as you thought it was. However, even if your relationship with your ex was great and getting back with them is in fact a great idea, you still need to take some time off to get back together.

are you insecure or are you confident

When someone looks at you, do they see a confident person, or a needy one?

The person who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes needy and desperate. It’s not their fault really, it’s everyone’s gut feeling to act this way. Every action they take and every word that comes out of their mouth reeks of neediness and insecurity from a mile away.

As I explained in the guide on how to get your ex back, this neediness is extremely unattractive. Your ex probably already have a lot of reasons to not be with you (perhaps neediness and insecurity was one of them), and if you show them the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, they will be even more repulsed.

Now, I can tell you to just not act needy and desperate, but the truth is, if you feel insecure and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. You can control your actions with great effort, but your face and your voice will give you away. And your ex will understand that it’s all an act.

If you take 30 days off to work on yourself and become a happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. And just as before, you will show confidence and happiness from your face that your ex will immediately notice.

Reason 3: Your Ex and Your Post Breakup Relationship Dynamics

If you are reading this, chances are your ex broke up with you. Even if you broke up with your ex, you wanted to get back together but your ex rejected you. In either case, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. They are the one who left you and you are the one who is miserable without them. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.

If you wanted to get over the breakup and move on, I would have told you to not care about the post breakup relationship and just move on with your life. But since you want to get your ex back, you have to not only care about it, but also control it.

If you tried to call your ex, text them, beg, plead, or anything that shows how desperate and needy you are without them, then your ex controls this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you don’t call your ex, they start to wonder why you are not contacting them. The more time you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.

In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.

If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.

Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.

However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.

 

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534 comments ...add one

  • Chris

    My girlfriend of two and half years broken up with me about two months ago. I accused of cheating and that tipped it for her. Later I also found out that I was too controlling and our sex life was good in her eyes. After the break up, I called her a lot up to the point she told me to leave her alone. That devestayed me and I told her I hope we never see each other again. I regret that. After that though, I called her at least once a week and left voicemails all of which I regret. She is now dating her co-worker and it eats away at me. I'm working on myself but I know after all this time, I still love her so much and I want her back. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to hear her voice but she has the power to decide that

    Reply
  • Eugene Watts

    I had a situation a few months ago and asked what to do about it well the girl that left me for another guy came back a few weeks ago after a month of no contact saying she was sorry and she feels bad. I accepted her apology and her boyfriend is controlling in the relationship he doesn’t let her talk to her guy friends at school and mad her make all new social media accounts. We tell each other we love each other and she says she wants to come back but is afraid of her boyfriend. And I don’t know if she’s leading me on when I ask her she said she hates people that do that. I need advice is she most likely to come back to me?

    Reply
  • MRyan

    Hi there. After 2.5 years without any problem, me and my ex broke up. I was going through a very hard time at home involving a sick sibling and my mental health suffered. As a result I became very controlling causing me ex to suffer mentally also. I really regret what I did and we had such a good time together. We met for the first time this weekend in 8 weeks. I apologized but she said she still feels upset when she’s with me or thinks of me. What could I do to get a chance to show her the way I always was again? Is there anything I can say? Because I can’t show a good side without the chance. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take things slow and since she is still upset with you right now, it means that it is too early to be reaching out at this point. Give it more time and eventually she'll let go of the negative emotions. From there, take small steps forward in showing her your changes whenever possible.

      Reply
  • Siddharth Pandit

    My gilfriend of 7 years broke up with me because i started taking her for granted towards the end. She used to tell me that i loved her the most but i dont respect her. I did not realise all of this until few months ago. She loved me more than anyone and did so many efforts to save the relation but i just fucked it all up. Its been 6 months now she has blocked me and is not willing to even see me at all. I have realised all of my flaws and im just working on them. I wish I could be with her again. I miss her so much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If after 6 months she still isn't willing to talk to you, there would only be two feasible options left - to continue giving her space and waiting or choosing to walk away, which is something I recommend you consider instead because it's the more emotionally healthy option than holding on to hopes or possibilities of something that may never happen.

      Reply
  • Kieth

    We are in long distance relationship with we broke up for almost one month. After the break up i never contact him.I was trying not to contact him and when im on my 25th days of no contact i accidentally tap the call. I swear it was an accident. Then after i end the call. He called me back. I answered the call and he just ask me. How am I. Then i replied im ok. And i ask him too then he said he was ok too. He said he is still single. And out of impulse i told him i love him but he told me i should move on because i will just get hurt but i really want him back and we talk . I didnt told him that i want him back. I told him what i really feel . That i still love him and willing to wait. Then he said thank you with our call sign.he said that he cant find another like me. But when i told him i love him. He wont reply to me.. and now im not sure if i should still wait for him again because i think he is still not sure of his feelings towards me. What should i do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's still confused about his feelings for you at this point, take the time to slowly build upon the attraction again with no expectations or pressure to allow yourself to get overly emotionally caught up.

      Reply
  • Ella

    My boyfriend of 1 year and 5 months broke up with me because he said he didn't feel like there was a future together. He said he didn't feel that commitment with me to be as a husband and wife. When he broke up with me he was really upset that he was doing this to me but said it had to be done because he didn't feel it for the future and didn't want to prolong the relationship to wait.He did say to give him a little space and he could think about us. I really just want him back and I wish he could feel the way I feel about him. What do you think is going on through his mind right now and how long should I wait to contact him again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Most likely he might have lost the spark for you, in which case I recommend waiting around 30 days before you reach out to recreate that spark.

      Reply
  • Christian Mendez

    My ex and I were together from January 2014 to June of this year. We also had a rough year in 2016 (my fault), we were broken up for about 5 months (September 2016-February 2017) but we managed to patch things and it took a lot of work on my part to prove myself. That being said, we broke up at the end of this part June. I broke up with her because she wasn’t giving me my due time, she was prioritizing a new group of girlfriends she made at work and thus, communication on her part diminished gradually, until it got to the point that she’d make up excuses to not see me or not text/call me as frequently as she used to. It’s been over three months since we’ve broken up. She texted me a month ago saying she dreamt about me and woke up crying, then a week ago, she messaged me telling me “I miss you”, and I responded in both instances, but then she disappears shortly after we talk for a little bit. I spoke to her mom not long ago and she told me that my ex still has a framed collage of pictures of us up on her wall, after all this time. These mixed signals are frustrating and she’s not being direct. She then messaged me Sunday night just saying “Good night” to which I did not respond to because I didn’t want to go through that again, where she talks to me for a bit then disappears. I want her back more than anything but I stopped begging over two months ago (even though I knew it wasn’t going to work; it’s something a broken heart can’t help but do).

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the circumstances and length of the relationship, it's normal for her to occasionally think of you and miss you, but her mixed signals may be the result of those feelings dissipating after awhile. Consider reaching out first the next time to control the conversation topic, perhaps guide things towards arranging for a meetup to catch up, and take things from there. I often think it's better when physical contact is made rather than online because the latter allows for one party to run off whenever they feel like it, which builds upon a negative initial environment for anything to foster.

      Reply
  • Anna Smith

    Hi, I need advice. My boyfriend and I broke up last night. It was a break up that we talked about calmly and with genuine love for each other; we were both in tears, and my ex boyfriend never cries. We told each other that we love each other deeply and that we are taking a break because we don’t want to spoil the beautiful relationship that we had and want to keep open the possibility of getting back together. He wants me to be able to find myself and travel without feeling tied to him. We talked about how we are still best friends and how we want to stay in touch. My question is, how soon can I reach out? Because we have always been such good friends, I don’t ever want to loose that, but I also want to respect his space, even though his absence feels like a death in the family. We were in a very serious relationship and are feelings for each other have never wavered. He told me that if it was just a matter of emotion, he would never let me go but that he wants the best for me. How can I get him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      30 Days would typically be a good time frame to give him space before reaching out again. Build upon the friendship again when you do reach out, and try creating a comfortable connection that could eventually develop into a relationship.

      Reply
  • Emily

    My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up. It was mutual. We were in different cities and he prioritized his career over our relationship. I was always the one who traveled, the one that had nice gestures (like sending him gifts or hand written letters),... He acted this way for the past 6 months before the breakup. He said he couldn't give me the time that I deserved. I don't know if that's true or a cheap excuse. The thing is that he's changed, and I don't know if it is a permanent change or just because he has to make up for classes he failed. I want back the person he was before all this, if it is possible. I'm so confused about what to do: either getting him back or move on and never look back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to examine if his changes were caused by a stressful period and is temporary, or something more permanent. It was likely that he began taking you for granted since you were willing to make the effort, and inability to give you time seems like an excuse because we can always make time if something was deemed important enough. I would suggest thinking this through before you make a decision between winning him back or walking away.

      Reply
  • Paul

    Hello, I was with my fiance for nearly a year and had wedding plans for next year. I was and am very much in love with her and made a huge mistake by cheating over several months with an ex girlfriend and my fiance found out and I fessed up. It's been a week and a half and she and her family have blocked me from any communication and I'm dying in pain and guilt over what I did. Is there no chance in hell of ever fixing this ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on whether she eventually would forgive you or not, but its going to take time and effort on your part to make things right. I suggest giving it some space first before you reach out.

      Reply
  • Eugene Watts

    I was there for a girl for 3 years and I emotionally supported her for the 3 years but I was crushing on her for 1 full year. I got a chance to be with her for a month and a half and school had started back up she said she needed time to herself for stress. At the time I panicked and said some things I should’ve never said and 3 days later she was with someone else and is still with that person. I want her back but I don’t know what to do since she’s in this relationship please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're going to have to wait until you have another shot again because she is currently dating someone else and may not be receptive towards you. Trying to come between them paints you as the villain in this situation.

      Reply
    • Eugene Wattts

      What would you recommend I do when that time comes?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to leave her be, but perhaps give some breathing room before you approach her and try to build a connection again with her as friends (if she is still with someone at that stage). But you have to remember not to cross boundaries especially in the stage when you're trying to connect or have an expectation that she's going to come back, because this will cause you to probably do something out of desperation.

      Reply
    • Eugene Watts

      What do I do when the time comes and when they do break up and should I disappear on her it’s really hard for me to leave her be.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Like I said, you don't have to leave her be. Just respect the boundaries and take things a step at a time. You can't win her back without romantic feelings, you can't have romantic feelings without a built up connection, and you can't have a connection if she isn't comfortable talking to you. Avoid skipping steps to get the outcome but rather work your way up from the initial aspects of connecting with her.

      Reply
  • Jane

    Hi! My ex broke up with me for no particular reason. We were together for 2 years and when I say there was nothing bad in our relationship, it's true. We never fought because we got along perfectly. The only thing that tore us apart was the fact that I'm still in school and he has his career. He's often away and I don't have a car so he had to come to my apartement which is an hour and a half away. He was applying for other jobs even further away, and that's when he broke up with me. He told me we would still talk and see each other but he does not contact me/respond to the few texts I sent. Our break up was like our relationship, really smooth and sweet. No bad things were said, we cried and hugged, he complimented me all the way. I am over the fact that we are not together anymore, but the person I knew would never just cut me off like that. He can't even reply : I don't want to talk I'm sorry. I'm just so confused, and I have a lot of things that belongs to him that I need to give back, but he won't talk to me...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps he is also currently dealing with his own emotions regarding the breakup and needs some time to himself before being able to face you again. Perhaps give him some space and continue to focus on yourself for the time being, before reaching out again sometime later.

      Reply
  • Olivia

    My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I lied about hanging out with my ex. I didn’t cheat, but he said he can’t truat me and that there is no chance for us to be together. We had a great relationship before with no issues. While I’m doing no contact, should I try jealousy tactics too?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No, avoid doing things to make him jealous right now, especially if you want him back but his perceived image of you is that you can't be trusted since it may give him more reason to walk away. Simply focus on no contact, and if you want to be visible on aspects like social media, portray positive changes to make him miss you and the relationship instead of jealousy tactics.

      Reply
  • Denai

    I broke up with my ex in April because he wasn’t willing to move forward and move in. We’d been together a year and I felt like he was wasting my time. I blocked him for a month and we didn’t talk. Eventually he messaged me on a social media page that I didn’t have him blocked on. We became friends for a couple months and then it became romantic again. I realized how much I missed him and I wanted things to work. He told me he realized how much he took me for granted and wanted to get serious. Said he’d move in tomorrow. A week later we got in a fight and I got frustrated and blocked him again. I realized how stubborn I was being and unblocked him and apologized. After that he’s been very cold and aloof and it’s very obvious he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I tried to meet up with him to talk and basically had to cry on the phone to get him to even meet me. We ended up crying and talking hooking up.he kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted. That we fight too much but that he loves me. When I talked about going on vacation in six months he’d comment on wanting to come with me. He stayed the night. After that he went back to the aloof occasional texts.I felt really pathetic and sad. Like I was chasing someone who didn’t want me. So I sent him a message saying that it’s obvious we’re over and that I feel like I’ve tried and he’s not willing to. Etc. He wrote back that he agreed and I was an amazing woman and he already missed me. I never responded. It’s been about a week now. He watches my snap chats but I have him blocked on everything else. I haven’t contacted him again but it’s so hard not to. I miss him so much. I’m not sure what I should do. I feel like so much has happened that trying the no contact for a month again won’t work. It worked last time but will it work a second time?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might have missed the point of NC the previous time which beyond giving both parties space, was also for you to work on yourself and your emotions to become a better version of your previous self. It would seem that after NC had ended the first time, you reverted back to your old habits the moment an argument took place and ended up blocking him again which might have been the cause of him emotionally giving up the second time. NC may not be the best idea here because he may simply decide to walk away this time around. Instead, consider perhaps taking things slow, and work on rebuilding the trust and bond that you once shared with him as a couple without getting too impulsive with your emotions.

      Reply
    • Denai

      Thank you. I didn’t block him this time tho. I just have him blocked on insta and Facebook. Just trying to avoid getting upset over stuff I shouldn’t. And I’ve explained that to him before so he knows I don’t do it to be mean. I just basically told him I could tell he wasn’t into this anymore. He didn’t disagree. I thought I should wait and see if he messages me but I don’t think he will. And I don’t know what I would message him after that last message without sounding needy... any suggestions? I guess I should have just left things alone and seen how they went. He was messaging me everyday. It was just so aloof and would take him hours to respond. He was always the first to message tho but it felt like it was almost a chore. Not like he enjoyed talking to me. I was trying to be unemotional and fine but I felt like it was getting nowhere.

      Reply
  • Janey

    My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. During the first 3 weeks he was contacting me a lot and I asked him stop for a month or 2 so I could focus on myself. I am now in a better place and would like to reach back out to him. I'm just not sure if I should initiate contact or have him initiate it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you were the one who told him to stop contacting you, it may be a better idea to reach out instead because you never know how long it’ll be before he reaches out if you decide to wait.

      Reply
  • Shashi

    Hi,
    I had relationship with my gf for 3 yrs.we had a very good relationship. Me and my gf started to have a bad phase from may 2018 last week. She wanted to space from me. I was not able to give her that. I continuously chased her for almost 3 months now. She is not trusting my words now. She has unfriend me from fb. I have reached her out after every 5 or 7 days on and off. Any suggestions? I am in miserable situation. Can i still have a chance to rekindle with her? What duration of no contact is required in this case? Will she ever miss me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship was a meaningful one, I’m sure that she would think about you from time to time, but in order for her to let go of the negative image she may hold over you right now, you should probably spend a longer time giving her space and try to make at least 30 days without contacting her.

      Reply
  • Holly Bickley

    Hi me and my ex broke up about 5days ago, I’m confused because we ended on good terms we just both have our own demos to face atm and doesn’t want to ruin what we had, we’ve known each other for 11years and been together for 15months, he’s telling my he doesn’t realise how much he loves me and that I am the one just wrong timing with what’s going on, we both love each other crazily amounts but he’s given the hope that we could end up back together I’m just confused we haven’t contacted each other but he’s always asking how I am and saying he misses me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be good to probably go into no contact for the time being in order to at least give him some space to deal with his issues while you deal with yours. If he really thinks you’re the one but it’s just wrong timing, perhaps give it some time before trying to reconnect again.

      Reply
  • Flavia

    It's been a month since I ended a three months long relationship with this guy. It happened because, when I confessed my feelings for him and asked about being exclusive, he told me he had feelings for me too, but he wasn't prepared for an exclusive relationship at the moment, and that if there was anything bothering me, we could try to talk about it and work things out. At first, I considered continuing the relationship, but then I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be with anybody else but him, and that I was trying to adapt to him, not because I thought it would be best for me, but to keep him by my side. So that's why I ended things. Now, I'm having second thoughts. I'm thinking that maybe I was too inflexible, too strict, because I didn't accept polygamy. He'd suggested to talk about what bothered me and figure it out together, and I'd, on the other hand, "gave up". That's how I feel about breaking up with him. I've been avoiding contact with him, unfollowed him on Instagram, deleted our Whatsapp conversations and photos of him on my phone. I've been focusing on myself, reading a lot, writing about my feelings, going out with friends. But I still miss him and want him back. He still orbits on my Instagram, watches all of my stories, likes some photos... I'd contacted him two times only, just to send memes, and he'd responded right away, tried to keep the conversation going... I want to know if he misses me and if he feels the same. I don't know if I should say hi, ask him out, try to reconnect with him and work things out together, or if I'm illuding myself and should move on because of our incompatibility.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It doesn't sound like you were incompatible as a couple, but simply just looking for different things at this point. Never forget to respect and love yourself, as well as your own moral values. If polygamy isn't something you're comfortable with, don't try to change your way of thinking just to fit his because it isn't something permanent. Based on what you're saying, it does sound like he misses you and shares certain feelings for you. To what extent is yet to be determined, but if you genuinely miss him, perhaps consider reaching out properly to reconnect.

      Reply
  • Gabby

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 years and had lived together for over two. Everything was going really well and we were planning trips and getting along well, or so I thought. Everything seemed perfect. Then he broke up with me. He told me he needed space and time to focus on school, work, and family. We’ve been broken up for 26 days and have been in no contact for 5 days. He told his friends that if I’m still single when he’s ready then he’ll try again but he told me to move on and not hold on. I’m not sure what to do. He still loves me. We have a trip planned in October but I’m trying to do no contact for at least 40 days before we leave. Do I follow the plan still?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This depends entirely on you and what you're able to take emotionally. Waiting can be a painful thing to go through and is honestly much harder than simply moving on. I would recommend moving on first, but if the opportunity should present itself in the future and you still have strong feelings for him, then you could consider giving it a second shot.

      Reply
  • Fred

    My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago now and I started doing no contact immediatley after the breakup. She is has started to text me and I’ve not replied. I just keep feeling like when the no contact is over and I finally text her again, she will be confused as to why i just ignored her for a month. I know that this can make her miss me but won’t she also be annoyed with me. I really want her back. Sorry if this is too long.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Let her know that you need some space to deal with the breakup for now, and that you’d text her after some time.

      Reply
  • Aaron

    I entered the no contact time a few days ago and intent on going 30 days. But when I looked at the calendar I realized my ex's birthday is 20 days in. Would wishing her happy birthday hurt things?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Honestly, it wouldn't make much of a difference whether you wish her or not since you've both broken up. I would personally not recommend wishing her, but if you genuinely feel the need to, keep it short and simple, avoid getting emotional in the process, and simply carry on with no contact after sending her a text.

      Reply
  • Kayla

    My Ex and I have ended things after 5 years of being together. Pur relationship has not always been great but it has been good enough for me that we been together for 5 years. I started noticing a change in him. He stopped taking an interest, stopped wanting to do one on one things with me and took more of a interest in his friends in stead. So I ended things thinking it would open his eyes and shed some light onto him, we built a life together a house we have 2 dogs. He didnt change instead he stayed away and took off more in the opposite direction. But He still tells me he loves me and space will give us perspective. I did make the mistake like in the article of begging and telling him how I wanted to work things out and try, even though I have been trying for what seems to be a long time. He hasnt shown any effort... we live together and I told him if he didnt want to try anymore that I needed to move on with my life and that we should give up the house. He told me no. He said not to make any rash decisions.... I feel like hes leading me on. Or keeping me at arms length to see if I'm always gonna be there. I love him more than anything but he hasnt been present.... so I started the no contact rule. It's been super hard, and it's like hes not accepting it. He keeps texting me things like I miss you and that he wants us to be together but he doesnt think things will change. Or he says things like I love you, we just need to be in love and time will tell... I stopped replying. He also once said. " so you're with another guy? " which I'm not.. i havent replied. I'm worried hes gonna take that as I have moved on and hes going to want to move out and move on.... I'm trying not to go crazy but it's so hard.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Be honest with your feelings and tell him about it, especially how you've been struggling lately because you don't see it going anywhere and 'just being in love and seeing where it takes us' without any actual actions is hard to swallow.

      Reply
  • Cd

    Me and my girlfriend/fiancé , of three years had broken up recently . About 8 months ago she had broken up with me and moved away with her parents only to end up back with me a couple months later. We recently made a big move out of state to start fresh with a clean slate. The first year of our relationship had its ups and downs, she cheated a few times but we always got through it and moved forward. This last month has been hard for me and has made me a not so nice person, I was always irritated, it’s like I was unintentionally pushing her away. She decided enough was enough and decided to leave me and move in with a coworker. I however didn’t take it so well, the day I got the news, I begged, pleaded , apologize; just like the first time. As of yesterday she came and picked up all her belongings and went on her way. When she pulled up she proceeded to tell me “not like you’d care , but my car is falling apart” I told her she will be okay as I helped her pack her things into her vehicle and she told me that she’s not going to be okay. After putting everything she brought up with her in the vehicle she said thank you and went on her way. I do in fact want her back , as I did the first time. I feel like an idiot for being the way I was and miss her terribly. Her coworker has messaged since telling me to give her time, give her space so we can put ourselves back together . I’m afraid she will be gone for good this time.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship was a meaningful one, yes you should give her a bit of space to cool off from whatever pent up negative emotions she feels before trying to reach out. In the meantime, you should also go ahead with picking yourself up and working on the emotional aspect of things to learn how to keep them in check and not let yourself develop toxic habits while in a relationship.

      Reply
  • Drew

    Hi. My girl & I just broke up this past wed. Reason for it is because she misunderstood what I wanted out of a situation that occurred a couple days before, which was to see me more as a priority when communicating with me on things we plan. Nothing major I believe, but I have a terrible way of trying to speak my mind and she felt like I was unhappy being with her so she felt like I deserve someone better to give me more, when I didn't want more from someone else. I wanted her to understand how much I loved her and just seek more effort from her. Well she wanted her space and Thursday morning I texted her a long message speaking my peace about how she misunderstood what I was telling her. Since then, I have not been in contact with her, although we are still friends on social media. I feel if she really wanted to move on, wouldn't she deleted me or blocked me from all that? She did that to her exes, which I think played a role in her decision because she was always the one who got played a fool by them, they disrespected her, cheated on her, been unfaithful and straight unloyal. I have always been the one guy she could depend her life on, I never cheated on her, never gave her reasons to doubt our relationship. We been together for over a year and a half. Anything she needed, I was there for her all the way. Always tried to keep her happy, always gave her the space when she wasnt in the mood to talk. It just bothers me that she wanna break up over one little issue. I love her still and think about her every single day. I wanna just text her I miss her but I feel the more I try to stay in contact will do no good so I been focusing on myself since that day. How long u think should I wait to tell her I still miss her? Or should wait til she texts me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's a likelihood that her actions of breaking up and shutting you out were caused by past baggage from previous relationships that she has not dealt with. You should go into NC for the time being and even when you contact her again, it shouldn't begin with you missing her since that shows signs of desperation and weakness in which she may not fully respect you.

      Reply
  • Kyuu

    Hi. I really need advise. I think I'm being not healthy at all.

    I broke up with my gf last april2017. Reason is i got confused if my feelengs were still romantic or not. But we've been living together up until May2018. When the move out was nearing. I asked if she could take me back. She didnt. Saying that I was late and all. She had a deadline that I didnt know of.

    While she was waiting for me, she had a coworker that always messaged her everyday. But now they dont. She got interested in the guy while waiting for me. Now Im afraid that there is a posibility that the coworker also likes her back. It started when their officemates started teasing them since they were "single".

    When we moved out. I always saw her, even if we were technically not a couple while living together. Nothing really changed.

    It was stupid and selfish of me. I acted needy for the past two months and now I decided to lessen my contact with her. She's been cold towards me through chats but when we're together, things seemed natural.

    She always pushes me away. Saying that we have no chance, shes not coming back and all. But I really believe that theres still a chance. That she's just more on welcoming the giddy feeling with her coworkwr since its a positive feeling. I dont know. Im lost. Im scared of doing no contact at well.... Im afraid of losing her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Currently, if you continue to contact her and attempt to get her to take you back, you're most probably going to succeed in only pushing her further away since her feelings towards you are still relatively negative. It'll be better to go into NC and give it some breathing room, even if she ends up dating the other person in the meantime because that's the only way you generate enough distance for her to let go of her negative emotions towards you.

      Reply
  • Teapot

    Before breaking up my ex had already been using the no contact rule for a month and now that we broke up I've been missing her so much. I guess it's working that she wants the freedom of herself. It was a long story and we broke up on good terms however it just makes me so sad. I would like to know how and what should I do facing an already implemented no contact rule? Thanks in advance... reading all these calms me down a lot and I really appreciate the help and effort :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Probably the best thing you can do right now is to go into no contact yourself, and focus on improving aspects of your life that may have required changes. At least this keeps you occupied and distracted as well, while letting time pass for both parties to be able to start on a fresh page when the time comes.

      Reply
  • SS

    My ex girlfriend just broke up with me. Been together for 15 months. I just sent her roses and she said this will be the last thing she will receive from me and we should stop seeing each other as her feeling has faded.

    I did not put attention to her for the past 3-4 months because my mom was ill, she left us 3 months ago. She told me that her feeling started to fade since 5 months ago and she decided to tell me now that she got no more feeling.

    I asked then why we still had sex literally 2 months ago and she said because she hate and like me at the same time, but no more, it’s completely zero now.

    I think this is over but I really wish her to come back

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given how she feels and considering the time that she started losing feelings for you, there is a possibility that she has genuinely moved on, and you might want to consider doing the same and not wasting your time and emotions any further because she doesn't seem interested in getting back or even giving things another shot.

      Reply
  • Charlotte

    Hi, my 2 months ex bf and I were getting a long well until some problems began to come up between us the second month, but we still could survive. When he was upset I always reached back to him and tried to make things better despite the fact I wasn’t totally convinced with the reasons sometimes. He also made sure to call me and stay always in touch, this is until he called me sometime and i asked him for a more serious commitment between us, he disappeared, went on a previously planned trip for 3 weeks without even calling me saying goodbye. I waited few days to text him and found out he was already traveling and he said he didn’t tell me because he felt that I wasn’t welcoming our communication again unless he gives me the commitment I needed and that he needs time to think about our relationship, after this conversation things seemed to still open until decisions are taken. However it’s been over a month now and he’s totally desapearing. Should I text him as I was happy and really wished for this relation to continue or it’s gonna be a useless effort and if he is really interested he would have texted or call me himself?

    P.s. a mutual friend recently told me that my ex told him we were not communicating lately and sometimes it’s better not to proceed when you have some doubts about it

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship had lasted for 2 months before the breakup and him disappearing on his trip, you might want to consider the fact that effort you put in to try and win him back may be a waste of time because there's a possibility that he has moved on since the breakup. In short relationships, it is easier for one party to distance themselves and move on since there hasn't been enough time to become fully invested into it.

      Reply
  • Griselda

    Hello, I am 27 and my ex is also 27 we broke up about 3 weeks ago. The reason we broke up was because I felt like he took me for granted and I kept trying for him to be more loving and caring towards me but one day he just told me that if I wasn’t happy or comfortable that we could just end things and I didn’t want to but he kept telling me that he didn’t think we were okay anymore and that things wouldn’t work out anymore. I feel like he got annoyed and so I went ahead and told him that if that’s what he wanted we could end things and he kept saying it was for the best. I didn’t think so I wanted to keep trying to make the relationship work out but apparently he gave up on us. So after the break up I didn’t text him for about a week and then I decided to text him back last week I wanted to see if there was the possibility of us getting back together someday and he replied that he didnt think so and, didnt know if we would get back together someday. I didnt reply back to that I just stopped texting him but I think that maybe if I give him time he’ll miss me and want me back. I don’t know if I should wait and then text him and see if we could try it again. He never told me he didn’t have feelings for me so I don’t know if that might be a reason to just give him time and then look for him. Would that be the right thing to do? He could be a bit prideful and not be the one to come look for me , most of my friends tell me to just move on and forget him and that if he did care or loved me he would be the one coming after me. I don’t know what the best thing to do would be?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you felt unsatisfied with the way he was treating you then, which led to the relationship ending, by you taking the first step to reach out to him, don't you think that the situation would remain the same even if you succeeded in getting him back and he'd still take you for granted after?

      Reply
    • Giselle

      I just thought that maybe with time apart he can miss me and things will better.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It's really subjective to each relationship, and would depend on how the relationship ended and how things were handled after.

      Reply
  • Jack

    My girlfriend and I got into an argument and broke up. I was ok for about week and then I got drunk and acted like an idiot. All the things you aren't supposed to do I did to try and get back with her. It all failed. Her last text to me was that even though we aren't together we should still care for each other. Then she proceeded to give me caring advice. I've never replied to that and have been in no contact for a week. I also found out she went on dating sites just two weeks after we broke up. To be honest I'm not even sure if I want to contact her even after no contact, but I do want to get her back. So I'm conflicted.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Spend this time figuring things out, and although older women may be more understanding, they are usually also more decisive and certain of their actions, and less likely to waste time contemplating or moping around.

      Reply
  • Unknown

    This was my first relationship and I'm 17. My ex broke up with me a month ago and since I had read up on non neediness before, I was able to instinctually know that calling them and asking to get back together wasn't a good idea, but it was still devastating ofcourse. She's naturally really shy and had issues with her self esteem and I wasn't supportive of her enough and would joke around by roasting her since she would be really quiet when she was around me and I wanted to get her attention. And when I roasted her, it would sometimes be about her insecurities and she would feel upset about it but not say anything. Now looking back, I know that the reason I was like this was because of my fear of being needy. When we texted, I always felt the need to joke and roast her instead of treating her with support and compassion. But all of this built up and one day she asked to go on a break. When I confronted her about it a few days later she sent me a break up text. It's been a month or so and we've talked a few times during class and through text. Her mom even texted me to check up on me and give me advice. She wanted me to treat her like a friend and be compassionate and wait for her to commit saying that she's not ready for a relationship yet. She really does want to be friends and said that she cared about me when we broke up. And I know about no contact and did that for awhile but we would see each other during class. The last day of school was the first time that we were having fun together, we talked and played a card game while making fun of each other, but after that we still don't text or hang out. I know that I should spend more time to work on myself, which I have, but some part of the day my mind would always go back to thinking about her. Yesturday I decided to break no contact cause I felt like I was better and asked her if she wanted to hang out while being very understanding in my delivery, but she had something else that day and the conversation ended there. Honestly, I just want to know what you're perspective is and what you think is the best approach because I understand that this is still my situation that I want to overcome.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you've attempted to break no contact and it did not turn out entirely well (considering that trying to meet up wasn't successful), I would suggest waiting for another week or two before contacting her again directly if you want to ask her out. However, if you do see her around in school still, you could always maintain a friendly relationship and try to work your way from there in a casual and progressive manner.

      Reply
  • John

    Just about to move in together into a house I renovated (which took far, far too long, drained me completely and brought out my worst, undecisive, sometimes helpless, social-life-abandoning and in the end even almost sexless self), my long time girlfriend told me she didn't love me any more, even though she wants to. Miiiight be loss of attraction. That was around christmas. Since then, we had contact and met quite some times, but did not get anwhere. She often did not reply to my texts for days and appeared like a different person, thinks about maybe being burnt out... I did a lot of research on relationships (and what went wrong with ours). Monday last week we had quite a lovely picnic where I was to tell her about my findings which we did not get to discuss completely, making me eager to meet again. Some unanswered texts later (quite the habit now - a contact a week, then radio silence, even with kind oneliners asking about her sore throat or her injured horses) she declined an invitation. Mondays, I asked her to go to spring vacation with me to relax (because of her lack of energy). No answer until just now: She had a very bad week, thinks again she may be burnt out. Second text: She is going to vacation with a male friend back from university she used to mention back then. Third text (half an hour later): Her horse is injured.
    Obviously, I should have looked for this site earlier on, I surely did act needy and insecure from time to time, even though I always tried to keep my texts light and witty. I tried to keep the going crazy to myself. But about that text: Before, I was about to start that No Contact phase, but now I wonder, having replied instantly until now and being eager for her to know she can always count on me, if it wouldn't be smarter to text her back tomorrow or sunday and then start the No Contact phase, to at least send her off with solely good thoughts and things to say about me on that trip. Especially when she's not feeling well right now, I feel I should be there for her and make her feel better. That ain't the addiction talking, is it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The 'urge' to be there for the person you care about will often come across as being necessary in your point of view, but to be honest, that will only add to your image of being needy or desperate to your ex, especially if she has begun to distance herself which usually means she isn't as receptive to your 'thoughtful' actions. I would suggest beginning no contact but if you're concerned about stopping all contact so suddenly, perhaps since she has said that she was unwell, you could tell her to take good care of herself and enjoy the upcoming trip. Leave it at that, and go onto no contact after.

      Reply
  • Unknown

    Hello, me and my ex dated for 3 years, we broke up because he was so busy and he believed we would be happier seperated because at the point, I would be angry with him almost all the time for not giving me the attention I wanted. When we broke up, I regretted the way I acted right away and would text him and call him all the time. I was acting needy and desperate and he would listen and say he loved me still but that I was also pushing him away. My insecurities got the best of me and I feel awful for doing that to him, in the end, we realized it was toxic and nothing good was coming from it.. a few days i realized, that he was so willing to stop talking because he started to like another girl he worked with, they started dating the day after we made the decision to stop talking for a few months until we were both better.. he broke my heart and lied to me about her. It’s been 4 months and they are still together, but after reflecting, i realized that we just need to work on a few things, but our relationship was the best, is there any chance for me? Please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If they are still dating at this point, even if you felt that there were ways to work things out, he may not be as interested at this point to consider it. You definitely still have a slight chance to win him back, but I would suggest moving on for now and working on yourself in the meantime. If the opportunity ever presents itself again and you're still interested, then you could consider contacting him again.

      Reply
    • Cornelia Monteiro

      My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were in a long distance relationship for 1yr 5months. He lives in the states and I’m living in the uk. I was the one doing all the travelling to him because he has a legal issue going on. I visited him in August with my son and spend 2 weeks with him. Everything thing was fine When I was on my vacation with him. 5 weeks after I came he was acting distant. We use to talk like 3/4 times a day and it changed to 1 time a day.I thought it was because he’s going through his court thing. When I try asking why is alll of this happening, he said the distance is getting to him, and he feels like talking to someone closer. It didn’t make any sense because I just came back from there like 5 weeks ago. He said it’s not me it’s him and I haven’t done him anything. He said I’m a good person and I should find someone who loves me more than him. I met his mom, brother n sister and he met my mom and aunt. I asked myself why would he go all the way for me to meet his family and dump me this way. It doesn’t make sense to me and I can’t get my head around it. So I try reaching out to him texting n calling and he wasn’t answering or replying to anything. I really love this guy. I stop reaching out to him because I’m hurting so I cut him off n never msg him again.

      Reply
  • Charlotte May

    My ex bf Mickey and I had been dating for about 13 years and a half including engaged for 2 yrs. We were childhood best friends and sweethearts. We shared a lot of nice and unforgettable memories together, we went trips, we were everything when we had each other... we love each other so so much. He loves me so much too, he valued me like a queen. But we always fought for my jealous type. He WAS faithful. But about one year ago he started to date other girls behind my back and we fought a lot when I found out. He gave me a reason that....''he was so stressed out already with his family problems and I gave him more stress. So he couldn't make it anymore and we broke up. He then dates a girl only one month later after our break up. They stick together and post photos of them together on facebook always, it hurts me I dunno it's rebound or not but they r still together, dating and going trips together and he brings her to his home to meet with his parents. He shoved me away. So I stopped all the contacts coz he asked me to.
    I was mentally broken down for about a year after the break up.
    I wasn't ready to move on and find another guy. I was concerntrating on my work. But I was about to flirt with my senior manager guy who is older than me and he's married already. His name is Peter, He always appraised for my beauty and intelligence. But when my parents found out, they reprimanded me badly for flirting with a married guy.

    So then...I avoid him and then met a guy named Nick who has a gf already, he's 33 and I m 29... but he said their relationship was only five months. He likes me but he doesn't dare to start bcoz he's only Sales Executive and he thinks himslef as he's much lower than me. Coz I graduated from famous UK university and he's just graduted from like community college But when I told him that I liked him... he was so surprised and excited. And he said he's not sure about his current relationship too. And now we r like that.
    I m not sure i like Nick actually, or I want him as a rebound. He also cannot trust me either he may think. He wants to wait and see I want to replace him with my ex Mickey. Coz I still have strong feelings for my Ex Mickey so strongly.
    What should I do?. I always want my Mickey back..I cry every night till now.
    Love
    Charlotte May

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think you should only figure out first what it is you want, whether it is to try and move on, or to continue wanting your ex back. If the decision is to try and move on, you could slowly explore things with this new person (provided he intends to break up with his girlfriend soon), and decide again from there based on your emotions. Take things slow and avoid rushing your emotions if they are not ready.

      Reply
  • Bun

    So my girlfriend and I have dated for 9 months before we broke up. We broke up for almost a month now but I was so needy and disparate that i was trying to contact and seeing her everyday. The reasons why we broke up were I did not give her enough space, I was so selfish, I shouted at her and we have arguments in front of others a lot. Because I Love her so much that i could not show her how strong I am in front of her. I just texted her again this Wednesday which I actually I do not suppose to do so. So should my NC start over again from today. Right now I am getting better and changing my habit. I am changing myself and do not even touch an alcohol again because of her. I am willing to change for her and I am doing it everyday. I started to enjoy myself like she does with her friends right now. But actually I still want her back but I don't do the needy thing anymore. I just give her some more space before i am ready to meet up with her. What should i do next? Please give me some advices.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to restart your NC process, but instead just take what happened as a minor setback. It's good that you've progressed to not being so needy which is essential in your chances because you're less likely to make mistakes or come across as desperate.

      Reply
  • Jordan

    Hello, my ex boyfriend recently dumped me after being together for 3 years. We did everything together and we had a million firsts between the two of us over this time (even lived together for two years; we’ve been back at our parents since December). We had been having some problems with communicating but nothing big, it came out of nowhere. He used what seemed to be a cliche, saying “I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate better, you deserve more”. It was very it’s me not you, which hurt all the more. We were both very emotional, and both of us sobbed before I asked him to leave. He told me he wanted me to be okay and that I needed to move on (could he really hav meant this?). He and my mom are very close so after the breakup he met with her and apparently had been carrying some anger and resentment from a year ago. He told her things that he had never even mentioned to me, I’m not sure when he felt like he couldn’t be honest with me anymore. I have done no contact for 8 days, I recently gave him back his cat; my mom had asked to keep her and he said she could, his sister ( who I’m close with,m) said that he actually really wanted the cat so I ended up having her help me and I gave it back as sort of an olive branch. In the relationship we both became codependent, selfish, and at times we could be disrespectful to one another. So the cat was a form selflessness I wanted to show him, and I haven’t contacted him since I wanted to respect his need for space.... however it hurt that he didn’t even thank me for giving it back! I’ll continue waiting but.... what are the chances of him wanting to come back or even accepting me when we begin talking again? I thought we had something so special and it’s driving me crazy not knowing what he’s feeling or thinking.. he left his PlayStation, told me I could watch his HULU account, and watches all my Snapchat stories... he’s very confusing but I love him and we are so compatible.. do we have a chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be that he may have initially lost the passion towards you, but subsequent realizations of the reality of the breakup started to confuse him instead. I suggest giving him some space for now, and perhaps consider No Contact in the mean time to at least allow both parties to heal and work on yourselves, while figuring things out. If his feelings for you a sincere, he may decide that he still wants the relationship at the end of the day but if not, you could always consider trying to win him back.

      Reply
  • Emily

    Hi, so I desperately need some help. I’ve been so heartbroken for multiple reasons. So I dated my ex boyfriend for two years now. We had an amazing first year and while he took some time to take a leave of absence at home from college we started to fight. I became really controlling to him and would be jealous when he was out with friends and stuff. He went back to a school this second semester and we were okay. Fought a lot though abt little things I picked on. We also had a lot of amazing memories we shared by going to unique places together. He was the first person to show me what love actually means . I had recently not been able to visit him in our long distance relationship due to car accidents and lacrosse commitments. This caused a lot more stress and best friends leaving my life cake with even more drama. It’s been a rough semester. But I took this out on him. First of all on March 17th my friends convinced me of making a fake account on an app to text him a random number pretending it was a girl. So I stupidly did and he offered her his Snapchat. I blew up and continued to say let’s hookup and he said no. Drunk me at the time broke up that night and sent mean texts the next day.
    He didn’t respond for a day and I texted back saying I would like to meet with you and he didn’t see the point because I had already broken up. Anyway I arrived at his house and talked with his mom awaiting him to come home. And he basically said I don’t see us compatible then in depth said I guess we can give this a second chance but I’m not ready to make a decision right now. You have a lot of proving to do if we were to get back together. So I told him ok and we talked a little more and I left.
    Soon after I wished him a happy Easter and he wished me a happy Easter back small text and I texted a few days later saying hope all is well I went to our favorite place today and e said hope all is well with you too. Then I followed the next day with another text no response and another no response and I sent letters to his house at school and got nothing. I sent miss you texts and love you texts and got nothing. I’m finishing up my last week of school and I will be home very close to him. I know he will be coming home as well.
    My questions are do you think he is just waiting for me to come home to be able to reconnect with me. Why would he respond to those other texts then just cold turkey me? Or tell me to prove myself for a second chance of which I have been trying my best I’m very way and get nothing in return at least yet... I pray and hope each night he will come around. It’s been a month and a half now since the breakup. And I miss him so much and I’ve been working on myself in every way possible even deleting social media. Which has helped a lot too. Am I doing the right things? What more can I do? What do you think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be honest, it sounds like he needs more time to deal with whatever has happened, and there may even be a possibility he has given up on the relationship already. His response to you on Easter was probably a courtesy reply but had no intentions of continuing the conversation further which was why he stopped replying the next day. If you really want to win him back, you're probably going to have to give him more time before trying again to reach out to him but if he still does not respond positively then, it would be a better idea to move on.

      Reply
  • Run or Wait It Out?

    I've been dating a guy for about a year. We share many things in common, including values and hometown, we spent time with each other's kids and families and had fun in the time we were together. We genuinely care about each other, never played games.
    But it was always off and on, almost from the start. He had come from almost back-to-back horrible relationships when we met, including an 8-year marriage in which his ex-wife cheated and got pregnant (lost the baby). (It's been 4 yrs and she is still taking him to court for money.) Right before he met me, he was 3 months out of a 1.5 year relationship, where the woman was constantly talking to other men while dating him. So he has some baggage.
    When we were dating, it would go really well, we'd get closer -- but then he'd suddenly pull away and grow cold and not want to see me. We didn't fight or anything. He did this over and over ... telling me he liked everything about me one week and then the next not wanting me around. He was not dating other women. I know he truly cares for me, likely even loves me, but he could never tell me how he felt about me. I'm patient, caring and easy going, but I grew tired of the roller coaster and started asking questions. He broke up with me, told me he couldn't give me what I wanted and needed and I should date other men.
    We didn't speak for 3 weeks, and then he texted me and told me he missed me. Said he was ok and wouldn't run away again. Well, guess what? Three weeks later, he was doing the hot and cold thing again! It went on like that for months. Recently, I got him to tell me that he thought he was getting better but he feels that he just can't handle a relationship right now, can't handle the obligations. He has a demanding job (he travels 3 or 4 weeks out of each month, so he's only home on Sat and Sun) and a 9 yr old son, whom I get along well with. I never demanded anything of him but he said because of those priorities, he can't focus on a personal life. He said he feels disconnected from his feelings and just isn't ready for a relationship. But he'd like to stay friends because I'm a great person.
    He made a point to say we cannot see each other because something would happen (physically) to pull us back into the vicious circle we've been in because he can't commit to me. He said he feels bad for keeping me from dating other men. I told him I wanted to be with him. He kept saying he needs to be alone for a while to fix himself but he doesn't know how long it will take. I haven't seen him in two months and he unfriended me on FB. BUT, we still talk -- he initiates it almost all the time. He still texts and/or calls EVERY day! I know he still cares a lot for me and doesn't want to let go. I don't either, but his hot and cold behavior makes me crazy. So does talking to him when I can't see him. Should I stop talking to him completely until he figures things out or decides to commit? This is breaking my heart. I love him, he's a great guy, and he isn't playing games or cheating. But I don't know when or if things will ever change and he'll be capable of being in a relationship.
    We are both 40 yrs old. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be very frank, it sounds like he actually needs therapy rather than space. Many people fail to realize the emotional and mental toll that these kinds of toxic relationships has on a person. It does not sound like his behavior is something that he can control, but instead does it instinctively as someone who has trust issues and emotional baggage.

      Reply
  • Square

    Hello! My ex girlfriend and I were together for 1 year and 3 months. She got out of a bad relationship that barely was and got with me. We were always going to theme parks, and fun places all the time! She would tell me, only me, and me forever. We both had the best relationships of our lives, though she's 21 and I'm in my 30's. I basically introduced her to new friends and a mutual friend started hanging out and he caught feelings and told her that he liked her (after months of once a week hanging out with us) He told her one drunken night after being called out for being chummy with her that he had feelings and he wanted to kiss her. She declined and came to me after.
    She cried and said she was confused and needed space. I gave her a couple of days, we were both sick from it, she told me how much she loved me but at the same time she was dealing with her father's cancer and chemo treatments. Her mother constantly telling her that she's going to lose her dad, that she needs to be single and be there for him.
    She told me she had to talk it out with our friend and see. How she didn't want any of this and how she couldn't come back because she was affected by it. She needed to work on herself and get a job, and a license. I let a few days go by she texted me "hope your having a good easter," and I told her it was okay and I was going to bring her things to her. She was calm and said she barely ate, but "it gets easier". I told her to message me and she insisted "No, you message me." Anyway, I let a week go by and texted her twice the second week. I kept it light but she didn't continue the convo after 5 texts back and forth. So I met her one last time with the last of her things and her broken phone I fixed. I said,"I accept the break up, she replied "That's cool", and I want her to be happy. (She said she is full time nurse for her father) I told her I realized what I needed to fix about myself, and that I don't want to pester her she replied with "You're not pestering me."but I continued I don't want to be a negative thought to her. After that It's been 11 days of NC, and she hasn't tried to contact me. Do I keep NC and wait for her to contact me? Or do I contact her soon? (She has anxiety issues, she doesn't like conflict and sometimes we would get into big arguments over if I get silent after minutes of arguing a moot point.) Please help!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could complete NC and try to contact her after, because it doesn't seem like she will contact you first given the issues she is facing right now. Even if the breakup affects her, she might be suppressing those feelings in order to function and take care of her dad as well as to avoid anxiety.

      Reply
  • Kat

    Hi, My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago, we had been together 2.5years. The last 6 months have been very hard for us with issues he had from before our relationship, to put it briefly 2 lost court cases, work and money pressures got to him I feel and he became distant. I went above and beyond to help him with the running of his business for very little praise or thanks, he had no time to do things as he was always busy as he has massive bills to pay. Previous relationships broke up because of this, I feel I was very patient with him but this was the gripe of most of our arguments. After a massive row when he lost the 2nd court case he told me he didn't want a relationship anymore. I was devastated, cried a whole week, didn't eat and I was a bit needy tbh. Because we broke up over the phone I went to see him a week after the break up, I was so upset and he seemed like he did not even care, was very cold and felt like I meant nothing to him. He said he had made up his mind, then after a long upsetting chat he then said lets see how it is in a month, leaving me completely confused! I know he has a huge bill to pay by the end of the month and is he just pushing me away because he wants to concentrate on making money at the mo?! 3 days after the chat he then forwarded me emails from the court case, I told him I didn't want to know as it had upset me too much, that was the last time we had contact 3 weeks ago. Since then he has not contacted me, I've been working on myself and feel better, been on a date but feel there's a massive piece missing, I didn't realise he meant that much to me! He still has not updated his relationship status, he has a few of my belongings he said he would post but he hasn't and I know he is checking my FB page everyday. Yes I want to get back together with him but really don't know how to play it. Your advice would be very helpful :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He could have acted that way out of desperation and that a relationship was not a priority and maybe even a distraction at that point of time. Wait it out a little longer and see if he contacts you by the end of the date he's supposed to pay the bill, and you can decide again if you would like to contact him or not. If you decide to, you could follow the guidelines in our other articles on what to do after no contact.

      Reply
  • Hazel

    Hi my ex and I met online and were together for 6 months. We adored each other and had such an amazing connection. I had some family stresses and I pulled away from him instead of opening up to him which made my behaviour look nasty and hurtful. Contact stopped for 2 weeks. When we spoke again he said he had taken a job working away for a few months after he didnt think I wanted him around. We saw each other twice and it was easy and like it always was. He went out to work and after a few messages back and forth he said he needs time and space as it pulls on his heart strings and hurts. That was 7 weeks ago. I sent him an easter message and he replied but that's it. Should I give up??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes a fresh job at a different place signifies a fresh start as well. If he does not actually show that he still cares for you or has any interest to talk to you, there might be a chance he has already moved on since.

      Reply
  • Stuck

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I couldn't take it anymore and I did it abruptly. He is an alcoholic and I am a codependent, together we created a rather unhealthy environment. I always blamed him but now understand how much I played a role in our issues. There was minimal contact regarding moving things out of the apartment but once it was all gone I was crushed. I am on day 16 of no contact. I know I cannot hope for him to change his addiction, but I desperately want to talk to him. I was hoping he would reach out but I don't think he will. I don't know how he would react when I do, but how long should I wait?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give it a month before trying to reach out to him again, and see how he responds to you. Bear in mind however, that things may not have changed so soon, and it might be a good idea if you know any of his friends who may share the same concern as you to consider therapy, especially if his alcoholism gets in the way of his daily life.

      Reply
  • Emerald

    Kevin
    Actually, me and my boyfriend had been dating for almost 14 years and a half. (we both were 15 then) we were childhood sweethearts. We loved each other so much. He was a very understanding boyfriend and that we had planned to marry on our 11th Anniversary. But Unfortunately, I was diagnosed that I have Addison disease. But he didn't give up and he sent me to the hospital and incurred all the medication fees. After that our wedding was cancelled. but also he didn't give up then, he supported me whatever I need both mentally and financially. But when my family got financial problem, he supported me a lot. But about one year ago, when I wanted to study the bachelor degree ( final year) he supported me. the problem has begun then, coz I was so stressed and whenever he called me and facetime with me, I was so irritated and I was like bad mouthed to him. He was so depressed. ( yeah, we were LDR then and I was studying at another state). During my final year study, he went and visited to me just once. that is all. And when I came back we were discussing about the wedding again. but his business was financially in tight situation and he had another family problems. But I could never give him pure or sincere understanding and I stated to argued with him a lot. Then, he requested to give him some space, but I wouldn't. So he started to drink a lot again and went to parties and dated with many girls and got one night stands for fun. When I found out that, I cursed him like hell. But we had reconciled for a while, it was about weeks. Then, I started to afraid to lose him forever. Then, I started to show my desperation and pleaded him not to leave me. he said he won't . but I called him at nights and like checking if he is drinking with frds or chics. Then, seemed like he was annoyed a lot and then. He urged to break up. But shortly after that, about one weeks or one month, he got a new girlfriend. he went trips with her. He posted couple together with her and he brought her his home to meet with his parents. I went so crazy. I begged him and asked to come back to me which he denied and he was like he considers me just as a friend. So it has been 7 mnths that we broke up and it has been 6 mnths he dates with the new gal. What should I do? I am so scared that the new girl may become a serious thing, not a rebound anymore. I tried No contact rule, but it didn't work. but I think after that I had failed them coz I was so frenzy and I showed him my desperation whenever I saw him together with her and heard him with her from my mutual friends.
    pls help me, do I still have a hope or chance to get back together with him or is it the end? pls pls pls help me
    Emerald

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      14 years is a long period to be together. In that time, I'm sure you've created many meaningful experiences with him and I don't think it would be possible for him to have simply thrown it all away like that and his new girlfriend might be a rebound. However, because of the duration of the relationship, there's also a possibility that he feels liberated from it, especially if the last few months or years have not been exactly pleasant for him. In this case, you could try to still win him back but it won't be easy and will require a lot of time and patience.

      Reply
    • Emerald

      Thanks a lot Ryan.
      Will u give me a guidance how I can win him back. I can be patient and how long it takes, i would not care coz as long as that he will come back to me, I'll b fine.
      I love him so much.
      Emerald

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There is no specific time frame, but you'll at the very least have to wait until his relationship with the rebound is over before starting conversation with him again. I would recommend that in this time, you focus on making positive changes to your life as well, so that you feel better, as well as give him more motivation to return (when he sees the positive change in you).

      Reply
    • Emerald

      Thank u so much for ur suggestion Ryan. Xxx

      Reply
    • Emerald

      he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths.7 mnths is not a rebound anymore? Or rebounds can last more than a year or what? Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables.

      Pls help me Ryan

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It usually remains unclear how long a rebound can last but there would be signs to show that the relationship he's currently in is a rebound or not. You could refer to this article for more guidelines.

      Reply
    • Emerald

      Ohh thanks a lot Ryan...
      It makes me clearer to understand and assume whether his new gal is rebound but as far as I know after reading it, she is a totally rebound.

      Reply
    • Emerald

      Dear Ryan thank u for u guidance becoz I've read it, I realized more that the gal he's currently dating might b rebound according to the symptoms. And how long shd I do the No Cotact Rule? as he told me already not to contact him these days, how long do I need to do NCR?

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hi my partner and I have been together for three years. We were due to get married next year. We have had many "ups and downs" and separations a lot down to hot headedness and some down to circumstances. Her mother has dementia - she feels guilty to put her in a home and also her dad leans on her massively for help. On top of this she has three very demanding daughters all no longer at home but still needs their bums wiped. She also has a 13 yr old living with her. Three weeks ago my partner had a big operation. I was getting up at night helping her with her medication, "fluffing" her pillows then going to work coming home cooking the tea and general housework. When she was having this operation - a boob job and under anaesthetic I went and bought her flowers. I personally didn't think she needed it done- she's beautiful and I absolutely adore her - I was so upset how poorly she looked when the op had finished that night I slept in hospital chair before driving her home . Would also do this every month when her mum would come and stay with us which meant I stayed in the spare room. My partner accused me of being secretive with my phone - ridiculously - so I said there's my phone look whenever you want no problem. She then said let's call it a day - I got some of my things and said we need a few days apart. I went out with friends for a well deserved break - she says she can't forgive me for sending pics enjoying myself and leaving her like that but I WAS told to go - I'd love to know everybody's thoughts? Many thanks for replies

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In my opinion, you have done nothing wrong based on everything you've stated. It could be that there was a deeper reason for her unhappiness with you than she was letting on, which resulted in her attitude towards you. Perhaps you might want to give it some space, and find a chance to talk to her when she's calmed down about why she's unhappy.

      Reply
  • Spark

    Hi. Thanks for this page and the experiences shared on it has been very helpful. My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me 6 days ago. I actually thought he wasn't serious. That was on a Saturday. We had an argument and I stretched it a bit by not taking his calls or returning them because I thought that will make him listen to me. Unfortunately, it pushed him away. Sunday after work, I went to his place, apologised, cried but he said his mind was made up. Sunday evening I called him again begging, crying and all but he didn't change his mind. He still loves me. He is hurting. We've been having little arguments lately and he said it's draining him. Monday and Tuesday he checked up on me. Wednesday night, I missed him so much and I contacted him. He still calls me baby, says he loves me and all but his decision is for our good and still stands. I deleted my app and cried myself to sleep. I woke up this morning sick and couldn't even go to work.

    I'm scared if I go NC we may just totally move on. Pls help. I really love him.
    Thank you . Sorry it's long 😀😁😁

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship had been a meaningful one, a brief period of no contact would not be enough for both parties to move on so easily. I would recommend you go through with it since he's expressed that he feels drained from all the fighting. At least give both parties some breathing room before initiating anything once more.

      Reply
  • Alex

    My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me 2weeks ago. I know our relashionship wasn't perfect and we lacked balance and had issues in the past. I've passionate and him a little more moderate in the relashionship. But we were getting to a great place... When he dumped me out of the blue. I was devastated, begged him to stay, he told me he needed space and couldn't see a future with me (we're 21 and I never asked for that kind of commitment).
    So I end up accepting the whole thing even though it hurts like hell. I'm trying to be a happy person without him, and I feel ok with myself tbh.
    But now he wants me back, and I don't know what to do. I still love him but I don't want to get back into a relashionship that's already failed. Should I wait longer before returning his calls ? Should I just get back together with him ? Are we doomed already ? Heeeeelp

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He may have broken up with you because he felt bored of the relationship or lost attraction for you, resulting in the sudden breakup but is coming back now because he realized that he still has feelings for you and the breakup was more of 'in the moment'. It's your choice to make whether you want him back, and whether you think his actions were the result of an impulsive thing that is unlikely to happen again.

      Reply
  • Paige

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We lived at his moms house for about 5 months of our relationship. I never doubted if he loved me or not. I just knew he did. We did everything together. I brought him to and from work, to any appointments, we showered together, and we just talked. I loved every moment with him, he is such a nice great guy. We had a bad drunk fight (I was blackout drunk and I make no sense when I am) and he left my moms where we were drinking to go home. Next morning I wake up with texts from his mom saying him and I aren’t together and that all my shit is packed and they’ll drop it off later. He didn’t talk to me from Thursday(the night it happened) to Sunday, when I approached him at work. I had sent emails but he didn’t reply. The only time he talked was when I approached him. Later that day, he emails me back, saying that we are different people and want different things in life and that we aren’t on the same page anymore. He said our relationship was hard and he just wants it to be this way, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to try to fix things at this point. Everything was so easy with him, our relationship was easy to me. I asked if I should wait for him or move on and he emailed move on I’m sorry and stopped replying since Sunday. It is now Tuesday and I can’t sleep or eat or honestly do anything. I’m just not sure what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could either move on like he said which may be the easier thing to do, or decide to try and win him back - which would definitely be the more difficult choice as it involves a lot of patience and trying to make it up to him for the drunken fight. Either way, you should at least give both parties some space for now to let go of negative emotions relating to the breakup, and first learn to deal with the breakup since it's likely he won't retract his words for the time being.

      Reply
  • Franklina Eshun

    I broke up with my boyfriend because I had trust issues.I got mad at him for texting his ex girlfriend and I just broke up with him
    I later on regretted breaking up with him and I apologized to him but he said he was fine being single.What do you suggest I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should learn to control your emotions better and not throw out breaking up so easily in the future. For now, perhaps try to talk to him about this and let him know that you love him and hopes he reconsiders, but if he doesn't respond positively, you might have to consider the possibility of moving on.

      Reply
  • Frank

    My girlfriend and i have been in a relationship for almost our entire lifes.Things were going well untill out of nowhere she told me she doesnt feel anything for me when we make love and i cant buy her what she needs.She asked for time and space and i moved out i have not had from her for 2wks.I dont know if i shud fight for her or give up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes, couples who have been together for a long period of time can start to get bored of each other, and even compare their relationship to that of other people's. There's a chance that your girlfriend felt that grass seemed greener elsewhere because things were too stagnant and didn't bring her any excitement. You still have a chance since you mentioned that the relationship was a prolonged one and must have been meaningful at one point, but you're going to have to make changes and figure out why she got bored of the relationship, and work on changing those aspects of yourself.

      Reply
  • Lauren

    Hi Kevin. My big of a year broke up with me a week ago. The first couple of days I pleaded and begged. He said he saw me more as a friend and didn’t feel that spark. Our relationship was really good. Not too many fights and I thought we made each other happy. He said he needed space. I don’t whether this meant space to think or space from me in general. I’ve been doing no contact and I’m on day 4. I’m worried at the end nothing will change. But because we didn’t end on bad terms I like to be hopeful. I just don’t know how to make him realise that we were really good together. He hides his emotions so I feel like he’ll just push them down if he does start to feel anything different. Even if I reach out to him and the end of no contact I feel like he’ll just be stubborn and set in his ways. I’m struggling to get through this and all I want to do is message him but I know it’s too soon.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete NC first and see how things go. Focus on improving yourself as a person during this time, and use these changes to draw him back in when your NC is done and you initiate contact once more.

      Reply
  • Ryrene

    So my ex and I have been together for more than 2 years. We've been friends for 1 yr and relationship for 1 yr. We often fight these days whenever we fight I'm always the one chatting him first but after an argument he suddenly tells me that He's tired of life, he doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't want commitment anymore and that whenever we have an argument he never think of fighting for it anymore. I saw his message to his friend saying that he was so pressured that he wants us to be just friends like before no pressures, no commitment and etc. I know that I've been so bad before our break up that I complain almost about everything. I want him back so badly now. I tried to act desperately at first when we broke up but now I deactivated my facebook account to stop messaging him. Help me. Should I chat him after his busy sched ended? Or should I just let things be? I love him so much...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you know that there were underlying issues between you, perhaps give yourselves a break and some space for now, to figure out what those issues were exactly. If there were certain things about yourself that you think you can change, do so, and aim to create a better version of yourself. Also, since he's been feeling suffocated, this space would allow him to let go of the negative emotions he may be feeling towards you. You could contact him again after you've completed no contact for a while, and feel that you're in a better place since the break up.

      Reply
  • Lori

    My ex (we dated 7 months) ended our relationship because I had been feeling some distance from him and did not feel very close to him. He travels a lot for work, so he had been gone for 10 days, came home and got sick, then we traveled out of the state to see his family. This was all over the course of a month. He is not a romantic man or very affectionate. I mentioned something to him twice (I was in no way accusatory, mean, etc.) and he got up and left, saying it was a bad sign that this subject has come up again and that he feels he can't do anything right or be himself. Let me say, before I go on, I was in no way through the relationship trying to change him or anything of the sort. He said many times how wonderful it was and that he had no issues with me whatsoever. He ended the relationship after that, called me less than a week later and apologized, telling me he has run from problems his whole life and that growing up his mother always blamed him for things that would go wrong, and ask him..what did you do now?? We worked through the conversation and I wanted to try again, as did he. He left that night for Europe for work. Communication was not that great, as is typical but was getting better prior to this trip. I heard from him one morning, then nothing more and it was 11pm. I didn't know what to think so I texted him that maybe I misunderstood our conversation before he left and I didn't think I'd hear less from him. Well, that blew up in my face. He told me that he is not the type to text me every 4 hours to make sure I am happy in this relationship, that he was busy all day. He said he is not romantic, not attentive to others' schedules when he is working. That was the jist of his text. Believe me when I say I have NEVER asked him to text me every 4 hours. I just thought he could have sent a text that night to say, hey I'm really busy tonight, let's talk tomorrow. Or a simple I love you, it's been a really long day. He texted me 2 days later and said he wanted to end it again. I simply said, I agree. I still want him. There was a lot of good. I've been silent for a week (that's how long ago he ended it). I'm just so sad without him. Help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He has to understand that a relationship involves compromise in order for things to work. One can't just enter a relationship with the mindset of 'these are my bad habits, I'm never going to change - take it or leave it'. If he's behaving this way, perhaps he has not matured enough in the relationship context to understand these things. In which case, if you do see a future and want him back, will have to be extremely patient with him, because he just doesn't see the need to change of he is. You might first want to give yourself some space and have a change of pace in your life. Figure out if you're willing to be the one that compromises on this matter, but bear in mind that it can be exhausting. In my opinion, someone who is only going to be available for you when he feels like it and isn't willing to compromise on the small things like checking in on their partner from time to time isn't going to be able to work out the big issues with you.

      Reply
  • Carter

    Hey Kevin,
    My girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me because she claimed she was stressing managing with school, family, friends and me. We were fine the week prior, no fights, just a relaxing weekend doing what couples do, it was a happy time. Then the next week she came over to break up to me, she said she didn’t have enough time to commit and she said she starting losing feelings for me as the quarter progressed. I did the mistakes it’s begging, pleading, mass texting, smothering her with my feelings and that just seemed to push her even further. As a week went on, I was told by her sister that she felt restricted being with me and that’s why she left me. Now she’s cold, rude, and very distant with me saying she gave me plenty of chances and she won’t reconsider coming back with me. I’m already two weeks in with No Contact, but I just want to see if you think I have a possibility rekindling with her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be because of the duration of the relationship, that one party ends up feeling bored or restricted by the other person, because things have gotten stagnant. A spark may have also triggered it such as a new romantic interest or from comparing the relationship to someone else's. Under these circumstances, you can still win her back but provided that you show her that being with you isn't going to be boring or restrictive but rather, something exciting to look forward to. For the time being, it may be better to give her some space in order for the changes you make to have any significant impact on her, as well as for her to not treat you so cold or distant.

      Reply
  • K

    My ex ended it around 5 weeks ago and i saw her three days after that - I figured I would be able to change her mind, I was wrong! We were together for 18 months.

    Basically, the relationship was great other than I had drunk too much. Last year she ended it once because I was drunk and hit on her friend (I would never do that sober and her 'friend' was stonecold sober and reciprocating).

    I stopped drinking for two months and attended AA meetings, was much better and we got back together.

    Due to the nature of my job, I was deployed the otherside of the country, drunk again and called her drunk. Anytime I did this I would become emotional (dont know why but learning why through counselling) and tell her I would let her down. I guess she finally listened.

    We had planned our future and were happy so long as I stayed off the booze. So, I am again attending meetings, I am fitter than ever as have run everyday for the last 35 days, hit the gym and look great.

    I do not think contacting her is wise, but I guess I just wanted to know what I should do?

    I have hurt her badly and I know I need to show through actions I have changed in time. I dont want to give up on her as she makes me want to be a better man. Just took her ending it the second time for me to finally get it...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's better late than never at all, when it comes to realizing our shortcomings. Since you've already done so much in the past month, you should continue to do so and stay off alcohol, not for her sake, but yours and to realize that it would benefit you as well to abstain from it. Perhaps wait a little while longer before contacting her, to prove to both her and yourself that you're capable of making such a change in your life, and more importantly, ensuring it's a permanent change.

      Reply
  • Ben

    Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, but recently we have broken up, it was either me or her that would have had to move out since we lived together, I screwed up a few things with not being open with her and was not financially stable with my savings so she could not see any future which she has said.
    During our break up which lasted two months, she started not comming home and stayed at her friends, as I tried to get closer to her it got worse but she did keep mentioning about breaking up. At some point I got emotionally unstable and over reacted, that drove her even more away, this lasted almost two months. She said if I keeper pushing her and not give her space she will eventually hate me. From past few weeks our relationship has slightly improved, but she does t really have much to talk least she’s replying my messages.

    During our relationship she always wanted to get married and have children with me, but now I’m trying to do everything what she has wanted but she’s said that everything is to late. I just purchased her a engagement ring as a last ditch and have no idea if I should go ahead with it, because of her hints that she still wants it, it’s very consfusing, should I wait little longer, or what?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You shouldn't jump into things and propose in a desperate attempt to win her back. Think it through, and win her back with your sincerity first before considering anything further or the proposal would hold no meaning. Give her the space she needs and slowly prove to her with your actions that you're capable of change. If she truly loves you, she will see the change in you and there's a high likelihood of her coming back. But you shouldn't push her or pressure her now, or you WILL push her away. Take things slowly and as mentioned, win her back with your sincerity as opposed to desperation.

      Reply
  • Lilac

    Hi.
    I broke up with my girl friend 3 weeks ago.
    We are still in to talking terms though very minimal.
    i did a closure email sometimes back outlining all my failing and apologising and i asked to me another chance in future when she is ready.I have not received a reply to my email.
    I want to request for a valentine casual date.Please advise me on how i should go about it.Thank you. Lilac

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could break some ice with her first, and if you're both on friendly terms, you could proceed further to ask if she has any plans made for Valentine's, and joke about the two of you getting together for old time's sake.

      Reply
  • Danijela

    Hello.. so, my ex and i were together over 3 years. In the end,we have lots fight,but i loved him and i know That he loved me. After 4 weeks since break up and no contact,i send him text ... So we meet after 5 days,have short conversation, i came for some stuff That i left in his house. After That i send him text That it was Nice to see him,and That i would Like to to on some coffee With him .His respond was something Like this"yes,it was short conversation and litlle weird, for me,you know That i do not like some big talks but yes for coffee . We will be im touch. " That was a week ago. I went through all process,and think That i made some good changes. So,my question is...why he dont call me for That coffee? Was je lying about it? I need some advice...what to do? What to think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may either be difficult on his part to take the first step, because of his pride, or that he isn't serious about meeting for coffee. Either way, you could always wait a couple more days and ask him out for coffee yourself if he doesn't initiate.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Hello, my ex broke up with me 5 days ago and I'm completely confused on what to do. We were together for almost 8 months, a few fights here and there which was never anything major in my eyes but to her it was. She's in school full time, had to move back in with her mom who is a huge stress in her life and also is managing to take care of her daughter who is 1 1/2 years. Our break up was really weird because she claimed she didn't love me anymore and that she was unhappy which just didn't make sense because a week prior she was fine and being all lovey dovey. She came to my house to give me back my key and take her Xbox and other things and while she was there we talked, she let me hug her cuddle her crack jokes and laugh but she was very firm in her decision to being done. She even told me she loves me, but she was forcing herself to also say she's done and doesn't love me. It was very contradicting and confusing to me. She ended up skipping class so we could talk and she explained to me that she is week. She failed two classes during our relationship and she is hiding it from her mother. So she was also pretty upset that she skipped class to talk to me. After she left we texted each other all night I would say I miss her and she would say I'm sorry. The next day she texted me and told me she still hasn't changed her mind. I called her and called her out on the fact that I felt like she was just lying and forcing herself to say she doesn't love me. I really feel like she does and she's just scared because when she's in a relationship she has a hard time balancing the relationship with priorities. So it's been 4 days of no contact and I can't stop thinking about her and missing her. I tried texting her hi and she just won't respond. I don't know what to do as for how much time is enough time before we could maybe talk again. One of the last things she said to me was for to give her time... I just feel like she has to be feeling the same as me right now about missing each other and talking to each other. I was literally the only person in her life that she would talk to about everything. All my friends say she will probably try contacting me in a week but part of me thinks that her stubbornness will not.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you should ask yourself why you're going through no contact in the first place. You have to understand that the whole point of no contact is to give both parties time and space (for whatever reasons) to let go of any negative emotions they have. She definitely still has feelings for you but is facing tons of stress from other aspects in her life and you should try to respect her decision of wanting space. By pushing her and pressuring her to talk to you or get back together right now, you're only going to push her further away since she may start to feel annoyed or fed up at the fact that you won't respect her decisions. Continue with no contact for a month to also allow yourself time to heal from any pain you may feel and to create a better version of yourself so that you'll be able to support her in the future.

      Reply
  • Yoyo

    Hi~ So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago after being together for a bit more than a year... coz back then i didn't feel i love him (i liked him, but not love)... He loved me very much and he was very hurt and confused. During these few months, we had a few mutual friends events, then a month and half of NC.
    I've been thinking about him and if i pulled the trigger too early too fast?? I reached out to him last Dec and was hoping to have a chat but he wanted to have closure and some time apart. We bumped into each other accidentally at another event not long ago, after a month and half NC... and we managed to talk n clear up a few things.
    I finally decided to have a conversation of the possibility of getting back together but he said he was ready to move on, and now is very confused and unsure that i'm serious of getting back. He said he really likes me and can see us going out for dates and see how things go.. but not getting back right away! When i asked him if he wants to go out dates, he said it's too soon for him and he's not ready! he needs more time to think!
    I'm confused! i thought he loved me and wanted things to work?? Shall i give him more time or just move on??
    thanks for any advice! :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're really serious about him, I suggest giving him a little more time, but not cutting off contact entirely. You could always stay in touch through texts or social media, and when he's ready to go out, take things slow, and go for several dates before seeing how things progress. He's not sure if you're serious about him or not, which is why he is confused. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel ready to meet you yet means you must have hurt him when you ended things last time.

      Reply
    • Yoyo

      Thanks Ryan! so i should reach out and txt him to say hiii n how things are going? or i should ask him out again for dates? i know i hurt him a lot... at the moment i'm just not sure if he just wanna be left along and do this thinking and i should just let him be... it has been a week since i asked for getting back. I did call him last Sunday and asked him to go on dates and he said it's too soon for him to meet. :(

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take things slow, and just start by breaking ice and being friendly with him. Don't ask him out so soon unless the response you get from him is extremely positive.

      Reply
  • Randall

    Hello, my girlfriend of nearly 3 years just recently broke up with me. We both had a few very short and insignificant relationships before meeting eachother. We were the first people in eachother's life to show eachother what love was.
    We got along really well and had a great time together but we would fight all the time. We would mostly fight about misunderstandings or some dumb thing I would say. Our fights would start for such dumb reasons that I honestly have a hard time remembering how most of them started.
    It's where the fights led that was the main issue. A minor issue would lead to me getting really angry which lead to us not talking for hours and me always saying things I never meant even though I always knew that the only thing she ever wanted when that happened was me to apologize and hug her. I was too stubborn.
    I also would tell her I would change and get my life together. She was at fault for some things too of course but I honestly feel like I'm the main person at fault. She had held in all her feelings for so long and it finally came to a head. She said we both needed a break to get our lives together.
    I know I made a huge mistake but when she broke up with I was drunk for those couple days I begged her to stay and told her I would change. She actually broke up with me on the Friday aftler last and the last time I saw her was last Wednesday to come pick up her things.
    After Wednesday I started not messaging her any more but occasionally she's messaged me asking me how I am. I would reply to be friendly but I'd be vague and just say things like "I'm good" or "That's good".
    Sometimes I've mentioned doing better and using this as a positive experience that we both needed. She still tells me she loves me.
    I know the best thing for me right now is to focus on myself but do you think somewhere down the line if I continue to try to not talk to her that there's a possible relationship in the future if she sees some change? Sorry for the long winded explanation but I thought that it was important.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Randall,

      If you really want her back, there's a good possibility for it to happen since she has already expressed that she still loves you. Right now, the biggest issue was your lack of understanding towards her emotions and control over your own. Work on these issues, and sincerely aim at changing them. Take the time and space you need, but instead of cutting her off completely (which would confuse her and may cause her to move on), let her know that you're working on changing yourself for the better, and would need some time. Arrange to catch up again in the near future, and slowly work things out from there.

      Reply
  • Martin

    I recently have lost my ex wife of 7 years (been together for a 14 year relationship) she just said she was unhappy and wanted me to go. Everything was so out of the blue. It turned out to be the fact she had gone back to her old ex with her ex before me. 10 days after our separation. Whereas she started seeing him after we separated I believe they may of been messaging each each other for a while has he has also recently split with his wife. My problem is this I want her back dearly, and the only to find out who it was was to threaten her to come to her shop. Never to threaten her. but when I did find out she knew I’d flip because she knew it was her ex who had won her back so to speak. (and a man she knows I hate) I went on on crazy rampage. I was at my fiends at the time and thing were really tense between us. And I stormed off destructively. Stupidly. When I calmed down, I realised what I had done and a lot of people were saying ‘what did she expect me to’ or ‘I couldn’t blame you for doin that.’ Have a blown my chances of reconciliation? Or is there still some hope? I hope this is understandable. I know she hates me now but could she understand also why I had acted so stupidly. A love filled hate spree. Thank you for your time and hope I’ve made it clear enough.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      While what you said about going on rampage because of love is somewhat understandable, she may not be able to see things from that point of view. There might be a chance again depending on how meaningful things were back in the 14 years, and her reasoning for suddenly ending things and going back to her ex once more, especially so after being together with you for 14 years. Before you do all these, it's best to give her time to cool off and for her to let go of negative emotions before you consider anything again. Apply NC for awhile, pick yourself up and make positive changes to your life.

      Reply
  • AK

    Hi, so i recently broke up with my girlfriend 6 days ago. We had no contact ever since. The thing is, she has met other guys and mentioned that she has found something she wants in life after interacting with them, and that she can "connect" with them. She mentioned that it does not mean that she has someone else in her heart. Nonetheless, she is unsure if she loves me anymore. I am constantly thinking of her, when I'm out, I would subconsciously look out to see if I could spot her by chance. The places would remind me of the good old times we spent together there, the conversations we had, the plans we drafted, the promises we made.
    There are multiple thoughts that just kept haunting me. For instance, I would imagine her dating other guys (like the ones she met), which made me feel extremely awful. The nights are especially lonely.
    What should I do? I can feel I still love her deeply, but her feelings has changed. My heart and mind are not of the same side. My mind is telling me to move on, but my heart is firmly grasping onto the faint hope that she will come back to me.

    P.S. She initially initiated a temporary breakup. But when i set terms of no intimate contact with other people, she firmly rejected. The next day, I am unable to accept this fact that she could "try out" other guys while trying to sort out her feelings, and myself being a backup. Thus, I initiated a clean break.

    I am confused, lost and this is really stressing me out. Hope to hear some advice / insights.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      What you feel right now is completely normal. Since it has been only 6 days since the break up, it might be a good idea that you actually apply no contact rule, and focus on picking yourself back up. Your mind may not be at the right place now, and by attempting to pursue her back, you risk pushing her further away. Work on yourself and make those changes, because the fact that she feels that she connects with other guys means there was something lacking in the relationship which you need to figure out, and turn it around if you want to harbor any hopes of getting back together with her once more.

      Reply
  • Jennell

    My bf of several months broke it off 3 days ago and its killing me to not text him. Ever since we met, we talk to each other EVERYDAY, whether it be through text, factetime, call or actually seeing one another. I just want to tell him i miss him. He was the one who told me he loved me first, how im different than other girls hes been with and we talk about our future. Our relationship was great, but we would get into little petty disagreements and arguments. Whenever we get into something, he would shut down and not talk to anyone, basically isolates himself. Even if it wasnt cause of our argument, whenever hes stressed about family, money, school etc. Then when hes ready to talk, we talk about other things and stay positive but never what was bothering him. Thats the only thing that frustrates me was that he never wants to talk about whats bothering him. Other than that, we always had more good times than bad times in our relationship. He treats me like a queen, even calls me queen or princess. We saw each other ALOT though. I think seeing each other too much is what usually causes our little arguments. So the night b4 he broke it off, we did get into a petty argument about what my name was in his phone but after, we became lovey dovey and he went home. The next morning he calls me and ask if he could drop me off at work but i was already headed there in my own car. Few hours later, hes texts me "im done, i need a break, please respect that" so i just say "okay, have a nice life". It hurts though and its bugging me not to reach out to him. everytime we would get into something, the same night we'll be back to normal as if we didnt argue... should i just leave him alone for good? I wouldnt mind if we just only texted, i just want him to know how i feel.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on what you want at the end of the day. Your intentions would determine the actions you should take. If you want to walk away from things, then end all contact and focus on moving on with your life. However, if you want him back again, you should probably go into no contact for awhile to give both parties the needed space to breathe. It's true that when people see each other daily, there's a higher likelihood of them subconsciously taking the other for granted, resulting in more arguments and disagreements.

      Reply
  • Andy

    My ex and I broke up 1 yr ago, we did long distance for a while and were together for almost 4 years. I've made all the 5 deadly mistakes and trying to get her back since a year but no progress, still a chance? and what should be the first step?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As long as she has not blocked you, there's still a chance. Just follow through with no contact and the changes you should be making, before contacting her again at a later date.

      Reply
  • Syaz

    My ex boyfriend broke it off a few days ago on the phone as it was long distance. When I visited him last month, things were going well but it got heated up in the middle with constant fights due to my sensitivity and temper. It was so heated up to the point that I said "You deserve someone better that me." (How stupid I was!) The fight also included the fact that he says 'yes' to everything just to make me happy when I know he wasn't happy. I told him it's okay to say no; it's okay to not go to that bird park and instead have a stranger things marathon at his apartment.

    I thought we had passed it already as Ive sincerely apologized to him and promised that I'd change, but during the phone call breakup a few nights ago, he brought it up back again and told me that I was right, it got him thinking maybe he does need someone better because he couldn't handle my temper. And he brought up this topic about suddenly missing his ex (Wth?!) Before the phone call, he was suposed to come for new years and I wanted to surprise him with a romantic dinner for two and even hired a party planner as means to say I was genuinely sorry. But I couldn't make up for it because he didn't make it back here with him being busy with his thesis.

    It's been a few days after the breakup. He made me feel like a horrible person in and out. I don't know if the problem was me or him. I am at this point where I feel damaged and would like him to see that I am not a horrible person and that I love him for him.

    Syaz

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is where you should focus on No Contact to figure these things out and to improve yourself in any way you can. If he made you feel like a horrible person, perhaps you don't need that emotional negativity for the moment as you figure things out.

      Reply
  • Lindsay

    Hi Kevin
    So in my situation, I broke up with my boyfriend after heated fight, I said some very fiery words. The reason was that he became distant somewhat, not texting as much and all. This happened one month ago and of course I apologized profusely for all I said right after the fight. He texted me a little over a week later and it went sour because I asked him what our status was, if we were going to continue dating. His response to me was "at the moment, I don't think it's the right time". I then asked him if it was "over" and he said that he couldn't do this (the conversation) right now and I haven't spoken to him since except to say Merry Christmas. So it's been about 3 weeks now, and he's the type that takes a long time to figure out his emotions. He also tends to be really good at distracting himself... But what hurts is that I don't know how he is feeling. He's had a lot of other stressors in his life the last few months (career, finances, etc) and I think hes had trouble juggling a (long distance) relationship on top of it. It's put a lot of strain on our relationship. He said not long before our fight that he never stopped loving me and that he will always love and want me. My friends and family have told me exactly what you say, but I'm very stuck on wondering how it "seems" so easy for him not to talk to me for weeks. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's facing other stressors in his life at the moment, it could very well be that the pain of losing you has not sunk it since he is still distracted with other issues. Give him some time and space, before seeing how things go again. It might look easy for him, but you never know what he's going through exactly.

      Reply
  • John

    Hi, I was seeing my gf for 16 months. We always had a great time and I was always there for her, supported her and treated her extremely well and spoilt her. After 3 months we did come to a halt but after 10 days everything was back to normal. Fast forward to the present, two months ago she moved away and is now only home at the weekends. We kept in contact everyday and still met up at weekends. After a month she was said she was concerned and things wernt the same. She has now broken up with me. She said she hasnt been happy for a long time and that after we stopped seeing each other the first time we should have left it then. Im worried that when she moved away I may have smothered her at weekends and with calls and texts when she is away. Do you think this relationship can be fixed? She was first to tell me she loved me and always said how good I am to her. We had talked about the future. But then suddenly she ends it. Any help would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend if the move she made was permanent or temporary and also on your ability to make changes if necessary. If you were worried that smothering her was what made her unhappy, then you'll have to work on your security issues. Take some time off to think about this and apply no contact for the time being before making a decision.

      Reply
  • Marvy

    Dear Ryan,

    Me and my ex boyfriend dating for almost nine months everything was fine . We text everyday and talked on the phone and I spend the night on the weekends at his place. He ended up the relationship by a letter through text . He said a lot of good things about me but I don’t understand his excuse that their is no eye contact between us ,he said one day I will understand what he meant that you will at the person in the eye and that is the person that will forever love. Are you going to base your relationship by eye contact , after five days I text him and ask him that I want closure but he never reply to me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes we don't always get the closure we need, but we should continue to pick ourselves up and move forward. I believe that he either meant the relationship had no more spark in it or he felt that you guys were on different frequencies. Either way, you should proceed with no contact first since he does not want to reply you.

      Reply
  • Hanna

    Hi Kevin
    It's almost about 1 month that I'm following NC rule.My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me because he wanted to focus on his career.Our RS wasn't a serious one(actually for him).He took care of me and put effort at the start of the RS,later he didn't.Whenever I complain him about those he couldn't do(like calling everyday,lack of his commitment),he suggested me to find someone who could invest in me.But he always denied that he didn't like me.
    He had a committed RS before me that didn't work and he failed in exams becoz of that failing RS.He always says he doesn't want to repeat the same mistake.For me,he's my first love.I tried to understand him and held onto him as long as I could.Later when the time to focus on our career came and some arguments broke out,he said he longer wanted to date me.Now it's about one month of NC and I want to give back a few of his stuff(like memory stick and some books) and my diary and a letter.Should I give him?I just want to know how much I loved him, I understand and accept the breakup as I also need to focus on my career and maybe he would contact me again when he has settled down.He had an intention of marrying me if I could wait for him to be settled(about 5-6 years).Should I send these things?Will it make him feel comfortable about the breakup/think he made the right decision of breaking up with me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, I always think if a person is truly in love, they would find a way to commit because naturally they would want to spend more time with you and would find ways to balance things out. Giving him his stuff back is fine, as with the letter. Depending on how serious he felt about you, that would determine his reaction. But you should not get your hopes up in the event that he doesn't reciprocate how you feel towards him.

      Reply
    • Hanna

      Thank you loads for your response.I'll give a try on what I could do right now as I don't wanna regret later.Yeah, I don't actually expect any reaction but want him to know :)

      Reply
  • jen

    Hello Kevin. Thanks for thexample page, feels good to know if might get some strong advice.
    I was with my ex for 3 years, we are both 43 and connect easily when things are good. However we do not argue well, he wants constant harmony and cuts me off for days if there is conflict rather than discuss.
    We had a miscarriage over the last 2 weeks. I'd been frustrated at a lack of communication about the pregnancy and the loss. I got drunk and aggressive towards him at a friends house.
    He is now in Spain where he's from, I'm in the UK trying not to contact him as I overdid it after he keft
    I miss him and our good times. We have a holiday booked in a week.
    How can I win him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There are apparent issues here, the first being that you need to win him back even though it's understandable to feel upset that he didn't want to communicate with you over something as important as dealing with the emotions of going through a miscarriage. You should take a moment to consider if this is the person you can trust when things get difficult that he won't cut you off. Every relationship will have its issues but how you communicate with each other would determine the strength in your relationship.

      Reply
  • Laszlo Varga

    Hi Kevin,
    My girlfriend has broken up with me about a week ago, the reason for our separation was 1 stupid little fight which started off from a small thing but I was under quite a lot of pressure at the time and been stressing quite a lot, therefor I said things which I did not mean but I hurt her with it. She was totally in love with me before (she still says she loves me) and we already planned our future with marriage and kids and suddenly she has locked me out of her life and broke up with me with the reason that she cannot trust me anymore. We have been together over a year and has had some amazing memories together. I would like to get her back as I love her as I have never loved anyone before and I was also her first love. 1month no contact seems a bit long, do you think I could get in touch after a couple of weeks and ask her how she is as I care about her and maybe ask her out for a drink to have a chat?
    Appreciate your help thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on the gravity of the situation that caused the breakup. 1 month is set as a benchmark because everyone's story is different and some may require longer periods of NC. If you feel that a couple of weeks would be enough to get her to warm up to you again, by all means. But I do suggest that you stay honest with yourself and not make excuses to contact her, or you'll end up contacting her after a few days, which defeats the purpose of NC, since it's meant to give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions as well as to make changes to their lives.

      Reply
  • G

    Hi Kevin,

    I had a 4 year and 3 months relationship with a guy, we were college sweethearts that time. Year 2012, when he confessed his love for me and he was my 2nd boyfriend.. but i cheated on him with our friend, when we were in our 2nd year. I had sex with our friend (i know cheating is a choice) I didn't realized how much we love each other because that time, I am the one who keeps the relationship going cause everytime we argue, he walks away from me and never wanted to talk about our fight. I am the one who is needy then. But one time, i made a decision that turns our relationship around, i ignored our fights and never wanted to talk to him that time for him to realize my importance. Since then, he loves me the way i wanted him to love me. Our relationship is so perfect that time (our 3rd and 4th) but then i never wanted to open up the time i have cheated on him.. because we were happy in our relationship.. but one of our friends found out the affair and tell him everything we have done. and my boyfriend broke up with me that time. and i am in my 2nd day of no contact day. do you think i can win him back? :( i'm so depressed right now :( i wanted to say sorry for what ive done :(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you had a meaningful relationship with him, you definitely have a chance of getting him back. Complete your NC first in order to give both parties some space and for him to have some time to process, forgive you and let go of what happened. You'll have to re-gain his trust if you want him back.

      Reply
  • Natalie

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend (of 1 year) and I got into a heated argument over the phone and he hung up on me. The next day was my birthday and he ignored all of my texts/calls and would not tell me if he would even go to my party that night. I was so angry that he refused to communicate with me so I broke up with him over text. It's been over a week now and I still have not heard back from him. It feels a bit weird to have absolutely no closure since we dated for a year. He is the type of person who takes a really long time to process his emotions.

    I want to reach out to him to talk, but not necessarily get back together... what should I do?

    Thank you,

    Natalie

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he takes awhile to process his emotions, let him process it first and give him some time before you reach out to him. At least you may be able to get your closure then as opposed to reaching out now and getting into another argument.

      Reply
  • Ellen

    I dated a guy for a little over a month and things were really intense. We both said things like I love you, I’ve never felt like this about anyone, maybe it’s meant to be. Then suddenly he ended it saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t know what he wanted. He was only a few months out of a very long relationship when we met. I asked if I had done anything to make him feel this way and he said no not at all. But of course I’m not sure if that’s the case. He may not even know himself. I did some low level begging in the end and he was the one who cut off contact, but as soon as I realised that I said goodbye and cut off contact as well. He has kept me on Facebook and put up a sad love song which is very out of the ordinary for him. But it’s doing my head in not knowing it this was meant for me or his ex who I had thought he was over. I’m so unsure if it was just a rebound. Can they have love and genuine connections? I can’t find any situations like mine on the website. What do you think my chances are of getting him back? 30 days seems so long considering it was a short relationship. I was so happy on my own before I met him but now my whole world feels empty.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Ellen,

      It might a good idea to ask yourself if how you're feeling right now is based on sound logic. If you were happy on your own before the relationship and one person could get you down like this, do you think it's worth it? In my opinion, he's not ready for another serious relationship right now. Whether he's over his ex or not, I would say that he may be, but it doesn't mean he's ready for a relationship. It probably isn't your fault, but give him some time to figure things out. I know 30 days seems like a long time given the circumstances, but if he's still not over his ex, there's no point even if you come back at 2 weeks.

      Reply
    • Ellen

      Thank you for your response. Do you think I should try to make contact after the 30 day period to see if he is ready then or is it better if I just let this one go. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s meant to be even if not right now.

      Reply
  • Leah Manders

    Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I of almost 4 years ended things last week. We had a beautiful relationship for a very large portion of it. Then he got a job opportunity to move out of state for 8 months for the next 4-5 4 months before we hit our 3 year mark. We somehow got through the long distance the first year and then the second year came. He began to act weird, routine was different and when he visited me we couldn't share a moment together.. but other than that he seemed normal. Then right before thanksgiving he ended things in tears. I figured we needed a break because I knew I did since I was the only partner putting forth any sort of work. The I am 98.9% sure he cheated on me or atleast hooked up with someone or some people during that time he left the second time. I confronted him and he denied it. We had always been so honest with each other in the past. We spend almost 2 hours on the phone a couple days ago and talked about the situation. He felt that this distance was hurting me too much and taking out of my life. I even tried to tell him that I understood why he'd cheat... living with a group of guys, partying a lot, one of them is single and invites all these girls over to party... i get it. I even asked him whether or not this split was hurting him and he said "every fucking day, just hearing your voice is killing me" .... he even stated "I know Im throwing away gold".. blah blah
    Any insight on what might be going on his head and how to I stop thinking about him. Theres no real chance of getting back together...but how long must it be till I don't think about him anymore?
    I was 18 and he 22 when we started dating again he never really went through a sleep with random girls phase either...
    Not justifying his cheating but just understanding it if in fact he still loves me which he claims.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Leah,

      There's really no set time on how long it takes to get over a person, since it varies for everyone. What I do know for certain though, is that the length taken to recover is ultimately dependent on what you do during that time. Whether you're keeping active, taking on new hobbies, going out with friends; or moping around and filling your thoughts with him. It sounds to me that he's projecting how he feels unto you and the distance isn't doing him any favors.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi Kevin ,my gf broke up with me a month ago even though we’ve been having issues before the break up . Her issues was she can’t trust me and I go out with my friends a lot she think I’m not committed and that she can’t see no progression in our relationship . She morn about this a lot and I ignored her . She eventually broke up with me for this reasons. I found out She stalked on the Facebook page Of the club I usually go that was when she messaged me and asked she could see I’m having fun and I’ve moved on now . Tried to explained but she wasn’t having it . She’s blocked me everywhere now and I haven’t spoken to her for a week. I think I love this girl is there a chance of us getting back together I want to make the relationship work this time . She used to really love me and she’s very insecure . Help pls

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she has blocked you and is an insecure person, it might be a good idea to give her some space right now to calm down. She might be feeling agitated and insecure again over the fact that you went to a club. Drop her an assurance text that you would like to make things work and would wait for her to come around. If she does agree at a second shot, in the future to assure her, why not bring her along with you when you go out to let her have more confidence that you aren't up to no good. You could use this article for reference on how to win her back.

      Reply
  • Aziza

    Hi Kevin,

    I have been in a relationship for 1yr 6 months n i decided to end it last month. The reason for that is coz he stopped being how he used to be. He can stay quiet for more than a week and blame it all on his work. According to my friends a guy who truly loves you will do anything to talk to you everyday, why is he behaving like we are strangers??? I decided enough was enough and ended it but he just said ok. We work together and every time i see him am reminded of the days we used to be serious about each other. I want what we had before and i want him to love me just the way he used to before. I love him for all that he is and who i am when am with him. Am now in day 7 in the no contact but am afraid he will not be into me. Please help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes it's hard to get back into a familiar stage of the past that we longed for, because people change over time. If you want something back to how it was in the past, you have to understand why it changed in the first place. Why did he start acting like a stranger towards you all of a sudden? Why did he stop caring? It could be that he started taking you for granted or it could be like how your friends said. If it is the latter, I don't think you're being fair to yourself by holding on to the relationship.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Kevin,

      We have a joint savings account for a business idea we wanted to establish as a long term income. When i asked him why he stopped caring, his comment was that he cant serve 2 masters at one time that being a relationship and a business. Is that a way of saying am not interested in us??? When it comes to him am abit confused on his agenda since at one time he sounds interested and the next we have a barrier in between. Please advise me if am doing the right thing by wanting him.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's nothing wrong about wanting him, but it does sound as though he has his priorities set, which is work first and relationship second (only if there's time). It could have been a sudden realization or something that he's been thinking about but just never told you until now. You have to bear that in mind if you still want him back.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Hi Ryan,

      Just wanted to update u on whats going on. So today is my last day in no contact n am feeling abit anxious about contacting him again. During the no contact period he's been trying to talk to me or brush past me at work byt i kept ignoring. Now he is as quiet as i am but he keeps checking my whatsapp statud from time to time. I have been thinkin if getting back with him is the right choice since hz taken me for granted that i will always be there for him.
      Every time i think of how to reach out to him i get nervous and afraid of th
      E outcome. Am thinking of going another month of no contact. Please help.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You would know yourself better than anyone else. Sometimes after the NC period, we start to see things clearer and that we may not be able to fully accept our ex for who they are, so it might be better to walk away. However if you feel that you're willing to go through anything to make the relationship work, then reach out to him.

      Reply
    • Aziza

      Hi again,

      I like being frank with some1 about how i feel so i reached out not as coyly as what is written in the internet but just asked right to the point n this is what he replied

      "I x u to gv me tYm i sort out my thingZ cz im under alot of Pressure bt u neVa wantd to Listen... wateVa u wanted is wat u want to get nd dats y i let it go...
      Cz i gt alot in my Head il b High most of da TyM nd dat y i need to b alone i dnt wanna Hurt any1 bt u neVa wantd tooo hear me out"

      He doesnt understand that being in a relationship you go through every hardship n joy together. Its better together than apart since we are in a relationship. So i have decided to stop giving myself heartache over a guy who doesnt get the true meaning of being in a relationship. I am better off concentrating on making myself happy n maybe some day i will get the guy who appreciates someone being there for them in good n bad times.

      Thank you for giving me the guidance but i just quit and let go.

      Reply
  • Victor

    I just spoke with my ex girlfriend after ten years last night .but I was thinking of sending her a text the next day to let her know it was nice to hear from her ,she is going through a rough time also just curious??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be a nice gesture to drop her a text just to check in if you say she is going through a rough time.

      Reply
  • Li

    So my girlfriend broke up with me because she says i get mad over little stuff, over react and spend too much time complaining and overreacting. I love her that much and i obviously want her back. But the thing is, we're in the same college, hostel, church and organization(a club).. Its totally difficult for me to do no contact. She still contacts me anyway but no amount of words have been able to change her mind. What should i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi there,

      I suggest reading up on this article to understand on how to deal with an ex if you have to see her constantly. If you can't convince her now, it would be better to apply the no contact rule first before talking to her again since the negative memories of breaking up are still fresh right now.

      Reply
  • Tone

    No contact is a bunch of bullshit...the longer you go non contact the less chance youll have at getting her back...distance doesnt break relatonships but silence sure as fuck does. If youre going no contact, be ready to accept that you will never see your ex again and you will eventually move on. Its fucked up how one minute youre together for 10 years everysingle day and the next ninute youre just like when you first met, 2 strangers. Life is fucked !!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Tone,

      You are right, it's a possibility. This is why you should use no contact to heal and get back in touch when you are ready. From your comment, it seems like you are in pain. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon.

      Reply
  • Tabu

    Hi, I've Already Made "The 5 deadly Mistakes". Is there any chance your suggested plan is going to work? As she has already adamantly told me she might get into another relationship but never with me again, I'm wasting my time over her. She talks to me but with repeated disclaimer that nothing is going to work. Yes I've done all the 5 deadly mistakes you mentioned, is there any chance things to improve? I'm very low these days, please help me out.

    Reply
  • Grace

    Hi, my ex and I broke up last June 4. We've been together for 10 years and he proposed to me last year. He said his letting me go and his tired of our relationship. i've been too dependent on him. I want him back ☹️ Last contact with June 28 after that I never text or message him again.

    Reply
  • Brett

    My ex recently broke up with me out of the blue. She feels that her life is really hectic right now and doesn't have time for a relationship. Plus she didn't like the fact our relationship was long distance. Do I have a chance of getting her back?

    Reply
  • Chisom

    I broke up with my boyfriend because he is controlling and he doesn't treat me rite he said he doesn't have to talk to me everytime he can go weeks without talking to me he hardly gives me attention when i broke up with him he just said okay bye that all he said i want him back

    Reply
  • Ashraf

    Hi Kevin
    My ex brokeup with me a month ago. This happened because he cheated me on and I knew about it. He told me that we cannot move because I will not trust him anymore (for me this is not true) but I guess it was an excuse. We had been together for alomst 5 months and we really loved each other. We rented an apartment and used to sleep and have our breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday. I'm really confused and cannot believe it happened. I haven't conacted or met him for almost a month in spite of having our apartment. We are gays btw. Are there any advice?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ashraf,

      Five months is not enough time to build a strong connection in a relationship. It seems that you just went through the honeymoon phase of the relationship and he cheated on you and ended it when things got boring. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I recommend you do another month of no contact and focus on healing. If you still want him back, contact him again.

      Reply
  • daisy

    Brilliant advice!!! Thank you !

    Reply
  • daniel

    Kevin. Ive been here 2yrs ago. Im so good now and i want to thank you. I neverr hafd a relationship because i never want to. I had a lot of flings. Now i need your help again. My ex from 2yrs ago and i talked. We had a chance to have a closure and talk good again. She admitted that she sometimes thinks of me about what ifs and if something happens she thinks about me too. Now after our recent talk shes becoming a bit of clingy she started to initiate communications and messaging me. Now im not saying i want her back. I just want to hold the power between us this time coz i messefd it up before. What should i do? I dont reply to all her messages coz im thinking she cant have me 100% just by being a friend.
    If she want me then tell me. I just want your help again just like 2yrs ago. Thabk you!

    Reply
  • Marc

    What do you say about the counter arguement about NC being the worse thing you could do, I've been reading it's the best advice to move on for yourself and not necessarily getting your ex back. The amount of stories people wished they picked up the phone but stuck with the NC advice is a bit depressing. I am mainly referring to this article: [link removed]

    I was reading her replies the comments so was just curious whats your thoughts on this? I would love the read the negatives of no contact, the how it can actually do more damage if applied wrong, i agree there should be space and I agree if you contact a female it just seems to turn them off more..but which advice is correct...what is the correct approach, so much information out there that may be applied wrong.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Marc,

      I have read that article before and it has some good points. This is why I recommend that if you are too much worried about your ex moving on during no contact (or if they start contacting you during no contact), you should let them know that you need time and space to deal with the breakup pain and you will contact them when you are able to talk to them comfortably. Being honest, is a surprisingly effective way of getting around this dilemma.

      Reply
  • Richard

    Ja, follow what Kevin has provided. Its not easy, in fact its hard to deal with, but the mans right...better yourself and love yourself first...how can you love another when there's no love for you??..

    Reply
  • Richard

    Thank you Kevin, and everybody else for sharing their experiences, its set me on the right track to better myself and love myself. I pray that everyone else that reads what this kind man and people have shared helps them through the rough time of loosing your one. Love and respect.

    Reply
  • JA

    Hi kevin. Same name with my ex! Haha

    Anyway my boyfriend and i had this simple argument that gets chaotic because of my pride and he didnt get my point.

    Next morning i received a text saying he think we need to breakup. Our relationship is dead and that he needs to find himself. I said Okay lets be friends for awhile. He texted me that 'ok take care", the another msg, "it really has no effect on you huh. smile emoticon." i dont reply. he goes single on fb. and shared the news as fast as a wind to his friends!

    3rd day. I made no contact.
    4th day. he reached out. I dont reply.

    5th day, sept5. i texted him that night! I said my decision to agree with the breakup was just ryt because of wat i found out. I was angry! I discovered something that truly hurts me. he never told me about an incident wayback in our first yr of rel. he texted me what did i found out! I told him. Then we exchanged texts. Then He told me the reason why he broke up. (He also pointed out that his the one who broke up!) That i dont meet his friends, i dont text regularly, that he waited for us to make love again. Etc etc. in return i also told him his downpoints. At the end he asked me if i want to fixed things ,he called me even. Just to found out his drunk. I told him ill tell him the answer the next day. His persuasive. He want an answer ryt away. That when i end call it means its totally over. Im just not ready for the answer yet. So i hang up and texted that pls we need to think about it. Im also confused that time.

    6th. Then the next day came, i told him we need to meet to talk things out. He said no need he already has his decision. He already think about it last nyt (How? His drunk ryt!). That was to end our lovestory. I was shocked.i asked if he dont love me anymore. If theres no chance of fixing things together. He said he's confused. Sometimes he thinks he love me sometimes not. That if we end up again together he has changed into a brave man in a sense that he wont lower his pride again (Cause he always lower his pride for me to fix things for us). i got scared but im ready to have him still. I told myself this is my fault. I haven't made him feel special. But thats what he made me feel also during our times. Maybe both of us dont see our own different way of showin love. His showy, im not. His clingy, im not. By the way he got his 1st job. (We have talked about it before the breakup happened! I supported him even! I used to always cheer him up.) He told me his schedule! That day he also asked if we could have our last date. He asked me what day i prefer he told me his availability and we both agreed it should be on Sept 20. I asked again if he love me. He said yes. But if we end up together it will never be the same as before. I said "okay if thats what you really want". We texted and end up to nothing but goodnight.

    Sept 7,2015 i text him goodmorning also Lunchtime. He always reply coldy though. I asked again if his really sure with his decisions and he should have the most final. He said he dont know, maybe. I asked if he still love me, still not sure. He told me his afraid of losing communication with me. And I told him yes once we broke up we will really end our communication. He said he wanted us to be friends, i told him at the right time. He also asked me if i really want to give it try. I said yes. He still said so many excuses.

    Sept 8 i texted goodmorning lunchtime. Go home safe. Things i forgot to do before. Btw, Its his 1st day of work. he replied. That his going home. We exchanged conversation. Afterwards he told me if only i was like that before when we're still together. I just agreed. Then he went cold again. i asked again if he still loves me. Conversation goes on.

    Sept9 the same scenario goes on until Sept 11 our supposed to be 4th anniv! ;( I dont text him. I know i will be hurting myself more. That nyt i received a short cold reply from the hanging question from yesterday that he didnt answered. We started conversation. And to my shock, he mentioned that it was Sept11 that day! I dont know what to say. I said "yes it was Sept11 today. Why?" He replied , "well nothing." God! Im so confused. I asked again "why did you mentioned it?" I want him to speak up. To know his purpose on telling it. Still i got nothing. He started to be cold again. One word each reply.

    Sept12 we chat at night as usual. Of course i always initiate. He reply coldly. I love using emojis. The sad one. I asked him its late what is he still doing? He screenshot the monitor and sent to me. I asked what's it. He said "thats what im doing". I made it as a topic. I cant help myself, i asked him "do you miss me? Well there's nothing to be missed about me." I think his pissed? He said i should stop making myself pitiful! I told him no im not. Im just telling. He went cold. I asked again why arent he gone home? Its too late. He said his still finishing something. Then he added "and i will go home anytime i want". I got hurt. I back off. I said sorry and goodnight.

    Sept13 i initiate again. He always respond though. I made myself not pitiful. All emojis SMILING! I used HAHA even as laugh. At the end i raised same question. He told me I need to start moving on. I should do everything I can to move on. I said "Maybe you already move on. Anyway, thanks for the advice. I will" and goodnight. -end

    Sept14 the biggest mistake i did (but i really want to give it a shot) i texted him a long text. I told him i love him so much. That its so unfair how can he unlove me and move on so easily. That i have this questions in mind "if theres rally no way for 2nd chance?", "why does he moved on so easily?", "why he able to unloved me so fast?" "what should i do to win him back?". I even told him his not answering my questions directly. That his so cold. His pushing me away. Make me feel embarrassed. I also told him, that i thought we will be together until forever. (That's what he used to say.) That we have agreed that if we have problems with each other we should just fight over like what couples should do but why did he suggest a breakup rightaway. He replied. He asked if i want to know his side. I said yes. So here what he says. That he was ready for this breakup situation for about 1 yr. That I am the one who made him prepared on leaving me (he said i didnt give him importance). I said why didnt he told me. He said i wont listen, im acting like a boss. I told him its unfair! I'm not prepared. He said expect the unexpected. I wasted too much time. And he told me if ever we will end up together again it wont be the same anymore. I told him i'm willing to change i promise. Do the things i havent done for him. He asked me why I'm doing this. Why I'm chasing over him. Why didn't i showed how much i love him before when we're still together. I said because I love him so much and i'm sorry i didn't made him feel special (if that what he really thinks)! He said its too late. Promises are meant to be broken. That I wasted too much time before i realized it. I pleaded, begged that i need him. That we need a 2nd chance. I asked what he wants me to do for us to be back together. He told me he wants me to move on so i wont be hurting anymore. By the way he told me his 90% moved on!! (He has his drinking buddies, 1st job). I told him i don't want to let go. He told me I deserve someone better. I told him, NO I WANT ONLY HIM. I asked him if its okay to think about the 2nd chance until Sept 20 (The last date). He told me okay and that he'll think about it but i should not expect too much. And whatever his decision i need to respect it. I said Okay. He said "good". -end-

    I'm in total mess!!!!! I know deep in my heart I really love him.

    Sept 15,2015. I read about this page. I want opinions. Though I had my friends and family's. I just don't understand our situation. I never contacted him starting this day. I really dont know what to do. He never contacted me neither. Does his actions, his replies were positive or negative for my part? I feel his confused. I feel his pride is speaking. I do love him and want him back. Do you think I still have a chance to have him back? Can i really apply the no contact rule for a month? Give it a try? Should i go see him on Sept 20? But he doesn,t contacted me yet about our last date.Helpppp. ;(

    P.S.

    SORRY THIS IS TOO LOOOONNNGGG. I KNOW.

    Reply
  • Kim

    My boyfriend is 18 and I'm 20 years old. In our relationship our parents weren't accepting us as each other's partners. With the matter of time this thing kept disturbing my partner n he got uncomfortable with our relationship. He broke up a month ago giving me these reasons. I tried convincing him but he didn't seem to get convinced. I want him back, and these days he have chose not to reply any of my texts. Although I'm following this NC rule since 4days. Do you think there's any chance that I will get him back and I should continue with NC rule? ( to add- we were bestfriends before we start dating n we really had great times when we were dating)

    Reply
  • Brian

    Hi.
    My ex fiancé left 12 days ago and gave her ring back. We have a two year old daughter also.
    I've made evet mistake you mention in this article but it doesn't mention how to handle it when there are kids involved.
    We have to see each other and have spend a few afternoons together. She says she doesn't want our daughter to see us not together or hating each other.
    How do I get control or power back when I've made the mistakes already and she wants to spend time together as a family for our daughter. Also she still says she might want to work on things but not now and she's not sure or maybe or we'll see about trying again. Thanks.

    Reply
  • confusedbutok

    I contacted my ex after 30 days started with a casual text about the weather and slowly got her to let her defenses down. All seemed well.

    Then she started talking about her father and how no one cares about her and how I wasn't any different. Of course it led me to slightly mention how in the relationship it may have seemed that way but it wasn't the truth.

    Then she mentions she's seeing someone who makes her very happy and I replied "lol" she got mad and asked how that's funny and I said "it's just funny how someone you just met can make you very happy but all power to it"

    She then flipped! She told me to go f*ck myself and to delete her number and never text her or she'll block me and that I used her (which I never did)

    I replied with what? You really thought I used you? That's insane. And she never replied.

    Is all hope gone? :(

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      That "lol" was a bit passive aggressive, don't you think? And the explanation confirmed it. A better reply would have been something letting her know that you are ok with her dating new people since you two are broken up.

      I'd say give it another month NC (two weeks minimum) and then try again.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      She told me to stop texting her or she'll block me. Some friends say I should apologize but others say to leave her alone.

      I know I was jerky in my replies but I felt she was trying to prove she's happy without me and I wasn't buying it. What should I try saying after another month of NC?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      OK, I'll recommend you first send her an email explaining that you were caught off-guard with your feelings and perhaps you became a little jealous when she told you she is with someone else. Hence, the rude reply. Apologize briefly. And tell her that perhaps you weren't ready to talk to her and you think it's better for you both that you don't contact her for a while. And then do no contact for a month.

      You are right though, she was trying to prove she is happy and she clearly isn't since her reaction was kind of extreme. But you are the one trying to get her back, not the other way around. You don't get to be passive aggressive.

      In fact, you shouldn't be passive aggressive even if you have her back. If she tries to manipulate or lie or try to prove you something that isn't true, your response should be to tell her to cut it out. Not start playing into it. Tell her how you feel about her actions or whatever she is doing. Do not be passive aggressive. It just slowly eats away the relationship.

      Right now, you can't tell her she is manipulating, or trying to prove you something that isn't true. Even if she is. You can just show her that you are confident and attractive. It's OK to be a little vulnerable (which the email I mentioned above will look like) since being true about yourself is a sign of confidence. Notice you are not acting on your feeling of insecurity or jealousy (which is unattractive). You are accepting it and you are telling her you working on it, without trying to control her or manipulate her.

      Reply
    • confusedbutok

      Thank you! Should I send the email now or after two weeks?

      I had something written I was planning to send but didn't know when. It'd be something like this:

      Hey remember when we'd have those mini dance parties in your car? (One of our favorite artists) was on the radio and it made me think about how fun that was. I feel bad about how our last conversation ended, you're important to me and I hope all is well and we can be friends one day.

      Should I add more? Could you re-write it for me? I'd appreciate it greatly as I'm getting so much conflicting advice on what to do/say from people

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If you are apologising in your letter, you should send it now. If you are sending something like you mentioned in the comment, then you should wait two weeks. Either one is fine.

      Reply
  • Karen

    Thank you Kevin,

    He has been trying to make moves but I have been rejecting him. Right now, I have been communicating with other men and somewhat dating so I'm exploring options at this point. However, the love is still there for my ex but I've decided to not really spend any time with him right now. I just communicate with him through text when I can. I'm not jumping back into that situation at this point. I will let time run it's course because like you said, if he is not willing to put in the effort, I'm not trying to deal with him.

    Reply
  • Karen

    Hi Kevin,

    I just wanted to give you a minor update. So it's been basically 30 days and I have not contacted him, no more than about the belongings. I did accidentally send a group text with him included on Christmas and he responded "Merry Christmas Karen!" but that was it. He has prolonged the situation about returning our belongings so I haven't even pushed it. Not sure why he is prolonging when we stay in the same city but I thought it was kind of weird. I can say that the 30 days with NC has helped me even though I still think about him everyday but I have begin to do some different things for myself. Also, I found it weird that I've been getting restricted calls here and there. One was about two weeks ago around the time he gets off work so I thought that it was strange. I also received another restricted call a couple of days ago really early in the morning. I never get restricted calls so it's puzzling.

    Reply
    • karen

      Hi Kevin, so he brought my belongings back and when he came, he looked so uncomfortable, quiet, and uneasy. Not a lot of eye contact but I was happy and acted like nothing ever happened. I couldn't help but feel good and laugh on the inside as I watched him look weird. I redecorated my apartment so he hadn't seen it so he was trying to ask a few questions about that. He also was trying to ask a few questions about different things but I never gave him any direct answers. He wanted to know if I visited my aunt's house for Christmas because he didn't see my car when he drove by. I actually made some changes to my physical appearance too. He told me that he had ordered me a Christmas gift but it hadn't arrived yet. There was no conversation about us. I strictly kept it brief but he just looked so uncomfortable but I didn't give in to that. He texted me wishing me a Happy New Year but I waited for about 45 mins before I texted back the same thing.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      That's great Karen. You did good. Keep it up. Remember, you did nothing wrong in the relationship. He cheated on you. It's not something that can be forgiven easily. And trust is extremely hard to build again. Unless he admits his mistakes and wants to try his best rebuild trust, you should not even think of giving him another chance.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Hi Kevin,

      So he started texting me more and more basically trying to see whether or not I had moved on but I would always avoid his questions. He finally bought my Christmas gift over and apologized for everything that he did. He said that I didn't deserve it and the reason it took so long for him to apologize was because he didn't know how to approach me. He said that that was part of the reason he bought the gift as a start and then move into a verbal conversation. He said that he knew that he had to face me but just didn't know when or how. I told him that I forgave him but we can be friends. He hasn't really said anything about a relationship but he's been texting me that he misses me and asking if I miss him but I find a way to change the subject. He said that he loves me and always will and I say ok. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend or not but I say that I have friends but that's it. He admitted to cheating and even spoke a little about the other girl. I didn't really ask him any questions. I just acted happy as I normally would like nothing had happened. So, now I'm trying to figure out what angle is he going from here. He's been texting me but it's been friendly things but sometimes he will say something like he misses me or on his birthday he said that he wanted to go to a certain restaurant. I just respond and say something like "oh ok" or "i know you love their food and I hope you enjoy your birthday". We used to act really silly and joke with each other a lot so that's what we've been doing lately and I try to keep it like that. At this point, I don't know what to do. I did the no contact for 30 days but I still want to take things very slow but not sure what to do at the moment. Can you shoot me some tips?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Karen,

      First of all, you need to be real with yourself. He cheated on you. Do you think you can forgive him and rebuild trust in the relationship. It's good that he has apologized and accepted his mistake. But there's still a long way to go from here if you want a healthy relationship with him. There are a lot of websites that talk about infidelity and how to rebuild trust after someone cheated on you (One that I recommend is "Marriage Builders"). I suggest you go through them and get a realistic idea about what you will face when you try to rebuild trust with him. If you think it's achievable, only then go ahead with him. If not, then cut all communications with him (block him from everywhere) and try to move on.

      If you decide to go ahead, take things slowly like yo are already doing. Let him make the moves. If he doesn't make a move in a month or two, then you should ask him to hang out or maybe even ask him to get back together. Remember, whenever you two talk about getting back together, tell him what you expect from him if you two want to rebuild trust in the relationship. If he is not willing to put in the effort, end the relationship and cut him off from your life.

      Reply
  • Karen

    Hi Kevin,

    I found out eleven days ago that my bf of 1.5 years had been cheating on me. He denied it over and over again saying that they were just friends but I know that it's true. I was hurt and angry but he still denied it to the end. He text'd me that same night still denying but I never responded because I was so angry. I realized six days later that he still has the key to my home so I text'd him and told him but he never responded and still hasn't. I haven't contacted him since and I'm not going to. Over these eleven days I thought back on how lenient and nice I was to him and he probably thought in his head that I would always be there and that he still has me no matter what. I can't believe that I haven't heard from him because we were also close friends and we never really discussed the situation because he was at work when this all took place. I almost feel that he thinks that he's on my mind so that's why he's acting this way or maybe he's moved on with this other girl that he met 5 mos ago. I did notice during our relationship that he became distant the past 3 mos but he was telling me that he was trying to get some things together so I didn't push the issue. When ever we are together, we get along extremely well so I didn't notice any changes in his attitude. I just want to know why now since that he has been caught that he just doesn't admit it but not hearing from him is driving me crazy. I really do love and miss him. Please help!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Karen,

      There could be many reasons why he doesn't respond. Perhaps he wants to "punish" you for breaking up. Maybe he is just too arrogant to admit his mistake. But whatever it is, I'll recommend you don't try to contact him. He cheated on you. And he has shown no signs of regret or taken any action to rebuild your trust. There is absolutely no point in trying to get him back. You do love him right now, but it'll fade over time and you will realize it was for the best.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Thanks Kevin,

      What do I do if he tries to contact me? I feel like that is going to happen but because everything was so heated at the time, he's trying to let everything cool down. He also has a few things at my place as well.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If he wants his things, give it back to him. If he wants to talk about the relationship or breakup, tell him you need some time and space and you prefer not to talk to him right now.

      Reply
    • Karen

      Hi Kevin,

      I just wanted to give u an update. He offered to return my belongings but said that he could do it next week. We live in the same city so I didn't understand why he couldn't do it this week but I didn't ask. I actually told him to meet me the week after because I felt like he was trying to control that situation by saying that he could do it next week. That's all the conversation consisted of but I wanted to text him back so bad and ask him why didn't he apologize but I didn't. I just brushed it off but it was difficult.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Great work Karen. I don't think you should worry about controlling the situation too much. If he doesn't admit his mistake, takes responsibility for his actions and shows a will to change and build the trust back; you shouldn't even consider talking to him or taking him back.

      Reply
  • Calista

    Hi Kevin,

    May i know if the period when my husband is out of town also count into the no contact period? or only when he starts to look for me which counts as the start of the no contact.

    I am starting no contact since a few days ago when he is out of town. so, it is more like i cannot contact him rather than a no-contact.

    Please advise. Thanks.

    Reply
  • Trent

    Hi Kevin I made a comment here and was hoping you could help me but I couldn't seem to find it. I badly need to check your response for that one. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Sorry. The comment section on this website is heavily moderated and I don’t approve most of the comments. Please post on the message boards if you have questions about your breakup or relationship.

      Reply
  • calista

    Dear Kevin,

    I tried to implement NC starting 22 Nov. My husband and I have a child.
    When he called me when to meet up, I still responded to me and met up for
    family outings. When I saw him, I tried to treat him as my child's dad
    only, but I still show my affection when the atmosphere was relax.
    Compared to my previous pestering behaviour, I performed well on Saturday.

    On Sunday morning, I received a message from him out of the blue telling
    me that he is going on a short trip with his parent. Then he went and
    switched off his mobile. I was left with shock and triggered my nerve. I
    felt disrespect and he still treat me as a friend. I suppose I couldn't
    accept that my position in his heart has changed from a wife to something
    less. So I have expectations on him. When it is not met, I will be
    disappointed.

    My counselor said that my husband's heart to me has died given his
    indifference response. I really want to get him back and let him pursue
    me. What should I do? Should I not let him see me and our child together
    so that I have a complete NC? We have seperated for two years, and I may
    have messed things several times. Do I still have a chance and keep on
    doing the NC until I successfully implemented it?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You should keep doing NC and keep things strictly related to your child. Two years is a long time and your counselor might be right. I'll suggest you start accepting the possibility that you may never get him back. I'll also suggest you start dating.

      Reply
    • Calista

      Kevin,

      Oh dear, it is disappointing to hear that. I am still hopeful about the recociliation. I thought after two years, he still hasn't walked out of the relationship and staying in touch with me. No?

      Anyway, I don't plan to remarry and date again regardless of my marriage status. Once i am married and made my vows, I plan to be with the same person.

      Reply
    • Calista

      Dear Kevin,

      Our formal two years seperation will be due in end of January 2015. by then, my husband is free to submit the divorce papers by himself should he still wish to proceed with it. At one point in time, he told me he hasn't decided and thought of divorce yet.

      The reason why my husband left me is because i didn't do my responsibility as a wife n didn't live with him since our marriage. He used to love me a lot, then his endurance to this drop to a point he decided to quit.

      When he first told me about the seperation, he cried about it and asked me if i need his help, call him. since then, we stay in touch daily. but during this process, i keep pestering him which have made things worse. I didn't give him the chance to miss me. I thought i need to plant some good memories in his mind before i pull away from him. He sent me gifts on my birthday and mother's day.

      I have never implemented the NC rule. this is my last shot n final resort. whenever i see him, i can't help but to open up my feelings. I have to stop seeing and talking to him. I need to try my best to remove myself from his life and vice versa. If i have to tell him anything about our child, i will keep it via message but i won't go out with him together with our child because i will open up opportunity for myself to fail. NC is my last resort before the divorce comes. From now till end of January, i will try disappear from him. i will see how he responds and if he pushes forward. Is my strategy right?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Sounds good to me. Good luck.

      Reply
  • calista

    Kevin,

    I have tried to implement the no contact rule for one day n then failed miserably. i didn't answer my husband's calls yesterday and then he skipped to attend a nursery interview with me and our child. today, i have been calling him the whole day and he didn't return my call. what should i do?

    Reply
  • calista

    My husband initiated a seperation with me nearly two years ago (jan 2013). I have been trying to reconcile with him, but with not much success. Having said so, our relationship has improved but not to a point that he wants to return to me yet. I have been acting needy from time to time.

    Ever since the seperation, I had wanted to apply the no contact rule but never have the guts to commit to it. We have a child together. I am so scared of losing him.

    But after so long and being frustrated to see his response, i decide i must give this no contact rule a try as my last resort.

    My question is would it be too late if i apply no contact now, after two years of seperation?

    Reply
  • Raul

    Hello kevin, please answer, i've trying the "no contact rule" for about a week now, my question is, what if my ex contacts me? Like through whatsapp or something? Should I totally ignore everything? Wouldn't it be considered childish from my side? I mean, cause people know when you already read a whatsapp message, my real question for you its as to how to react to this attempts of contact?
    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can tell him you need some space and time and you won't be in contact with him for a while. After that, you are free to ignore any of the messages because you are just doing what you already told him what you'd do.

      Reply
  • Abduraghman

    Hi Kevin. My Girlfriend broke up with me after 7 years together and we were engaged for a 1 and month now. She broke the engagement also. She doesn't feel about me like before. She say I am obsessed with her and immature. I really love her and will do anything to get her back. She blocked me on Watsapp Sunday night. But then yesterday morning she unblocked me again. She doesn't want me to come the house anymore either and wants nothing from me. She has someone new in her life which she see, he was there by the house to meet the her granny also. She is turning 31 at the end of the year and he is only 20 years old.

    Reply
  • Danny

    Kevin,

    Me and my Gf were seeing each other for 5 years and official for 3 &1/2. on 10/4 she texted me and said she wanted to take a "break." She said it was because she was unhappy, we were at different stages in our lives and she was falling out of love.

    We were electric when we were together and were best friends. Their were also many fights and hard times though. the following week I texted her a few mornings, and she responded. The mornings I didn't text her she texted me. She even texted me one morning 10/9 and said that I should call into work sick and that she was home sick and she needed to be with me. I didn't go over there. The next day I asked her if I could take her out, she said she had plans but we could talk Sunday in person about us. She also texted me that Saturday morning 10/11 and asked me how my night was the night before. So I was getting very mixed signals.

    I texted her Sunday 10/12 asking if she wanted to meet up and talk and she said, "I have nothing to say, what is there to talk about" I was hurt and felt that it was over so I took all her belongings to her house, we hugged and I guess that was it. That night at 7:30 I blocked her on Facebook and un-friended her on all social media. I recieved a text at 8:15 saying "Did you block me" I didn't respond.

    Monday 10/13 I sent her a huge text explaining how I am accepting what had happened and why it all went wrong, basically saying Goodbye. She responded with "Thank you thank you thank you, you have finally said everything I've been feeling, I now respect you so much more". Wednesday 10/15 I got an invitation to a wedding with both of our names on it, I broke down and texted her about it, which was a mistake. She said she couldn't accept, I basically begged for her back and she said "why are you doing this, stop pushing me away". So I stopped texting her. Later that night around 9:30 she texted me saying "It's so immature that you blocked me on facebook, It's almost laughable." I responded with why I did it, part of healing process. Then she said "Grow Up"

    So now here I am today, I unblocked her which was probably a mistake and one of the no-nos in your steps, being a doormat. I'm ready to get past the Desperate and Needy point and ready for 30 days of NC. Any advice?

    Reply
  • Marwa

    i swear i love this website... do damn true every word!! Guys i did the biggest mistake in my life which was chaising my ex!!! he loved me do badly and wasnt able to even live without me .. we broke up because of his family but i was so stupid and started to contact him and chaise him... but NEVER CHAISE THEM!! JUST IGNORE

    Reply
  • Jane

    My partner of nearly two years broke up with me after growing tired of my insecurity issues. At the time he said he wanted to stay friends and see what happened but within a month is in a "relationship" with someone who lives 11 hours away by plane. I can't work this bizarre choice out but believe we should be together. Do I try to win him back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do no contact. Whether or not you should try to win him back is up to you and the answer will come to you during no contact.

      Reply
  • melody

    My bf of 2 years randomly broke up with me saying we weren't happy or compatible. I think he was just overwhelmed and we would bicker a lot and maybe a break is good for us, but i don't want him to completely move on. He then blocked me on all his social medias. Will it annoy him to see pictures of me on mutual friends social medias? or should I completely disappear off his radar? should i wait and see if he approaches me, or should i talk to him first after the 30 days?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You shouldn't worry about what annoys him. Worry about what will keep you happy and your mind in peace. If you think getting back together is a good idea after 30 days, and you satisfy the checklist mentioned in the beginning of Step 4 in the 5 step plan, then you should contact him.

      Reply
  • Paul

    Hi Kevin. I was in a 14 months relationship with my ex girlfriend and she has always been in love with me, very affectionate with me and insecure because although I was in love with her, I didn't demonstrate so much. Since april I got addicted to computer games and I stopped giving her attention and started being an asshole with her, my family and my whole life. On september 10th she asked me to give her some space and I did it. 3 days later I bought her flowers and wrote letter apologizing for all my mistakes and that I have changed(and I really have). Two weeks later after I have given her some space we had a conversation and she wanted to broke up. When she said that, i almost begged for her to give me a chance and everything I shouldn't. But she was decided o break up. Since that, that was 6 days ago, I had no contact with her(except when she asked me for some of her objects that was in my house, and I gave her back without meeting her and saying anything). I intend to complete the NC period but the problem is that in a week we are going to a college party event that lasts some days and we will probably meet there. What should I do if this happens?

    Reply
    • paul22

      Should i do no contact even my lack of attention being the reason for break up?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you should. If you want, you can tell her before doing no contact that you need some time and space for yourself and you'll contact her after a while.

      Reply
  • ryobi

    Dear Kevin,
    My ex girlfriend recently broke up with me saying she doesnt feel the same way about me as what she used too. would there be a chance that we could get back together after she said that?

    Reply
  • Gunarius

    Hi Kevin,

    We 'work' at the same place and don't see each other usually. And we don't talk when we see/notice each other for a moment.
    But what if she sees my car everyday morning? Is that a NC violation?

    Best wishes,
    G

    Reply
  • Faraj

    Dear Kevin,
    I havent talked to her for three days now. Last time we broke up was three months ago,and she kept sending texts and reminding me of the hood memories.
    This time she's saying that she's having health issues and that im not helping and i should be away,she also said that she wants to get over me.
    Im a little frustrated,i dont know what to do,should i stay beside her during her health issue,even though she said no,or stay away and stick to the NC period?
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Stay away. Concentrate on yourself during that time. If she calls you and asks for help and you think whatever she is asking is reasonable, only then support her.

      Reply
  • Penelope

    Hi Kevin,
    I was recently dumped by my ex boyfriend. We were together for 1.5 years, but he moved away to another state, due to a job offer. We only did the long distant relationship for 3 month. We were suppose to move in together, when I got accepted to college, which I did. When he found out I did, he started to have doubts, then told me he didn't want me to move in with him, but he still wanted to be with me. Now he doesn't want to do the long distant because he said he doesn't want to fail at his job. His job has been overwhelming for him. He told me he didn't want to fail at everything else, but yet he failed at keeping our relationship together. I told him I didn't want to speak to him again, so I deleted all my social networks. But I lied. I want to be with him again, but I'm sticking to the nc rule as long as I can, I just need some insight to see if there is a chance and if I should contact him first? Or should I jut let it go because he's in a different state of mind than I am?
    Thanks,
    Penelope

    Reply
  • marnold123

    Today is my soon-to-be-ex-wife's birthday. We've been in NC for nearly 9 weeks with some contact on the weekends. Should I text her? Is that a violation of NC?

    Reply
  • Gunarius

    Thank you for putting so much effort into writing these articles. They help me alot to get over my first love from university.

    We were together for almost 2 years (she was my teacher). She got divorced with her ex-husband, because their relationship was going nowhere for years. She also has a son, from her marriage. He is a nice little fella.

    She was the one who initiated private contact with me and already had a crush on me, as I slowly started having feelings for her too. She was like a perfect woman. So I took some time and decided to take what life had offered me. We had lot's of good times together. Lot's of fun and lot's of...sex.

    But at some point our relationship started to go downhill...Maby because I'm almost 10 years younger than her (I'm 23). She was my first woman. I was not the first one for her.
    We started to have lot's arguings etc. We had mini brake-ups for like 6 times during the last months.

    I accidentally found out that she started to chat with another student to whom she "had unprofessional interest" in (he likes her, and want's to be with her)...Well that made me feel sick and jealous. I left her in the night, because I was in deep pain after discovering that. When she found out I was gone she got so desperate (she even was chasing me with her car) and started to apologize and telling me that she loves me and I'm the only man who she really wants. I didn't agree to be together and said I need some time.
    After some days I started to feel somekind of guilt, because she was pointing to mistakes that I've made (we kept having contact). We got together again. She promised not to chat with him during her private time but she didn't hold her word. She claimed that the other guy knows that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for him, because she told him so.

    After a few weeks I found out that she is still chatting with this guy again. She said she had qualms of conscience. I raised the question again "Should we be together?", and we quite swiftly decided not to. Anyway I asked her: "Is this because she is falling in love with someone else (him)?" the answer was a no. She sais she just want's to talk to people. I feel quite insecure if she keeps being available (chatting) to the guy that has a crush on her. He has even visited her when we had a breakup for one week. I just don't find it healthy to have private and intimate conversations with guys like him when you already have somebody. I know that he makes her feel better, that's why she keeps in contact with him. But that is just burning me from the inside, so I think it's better for us to be apart. I even feel like commiting suicide sometimes, when I get hurt by her behavior. I'ts been nearly only a week that we've been away from each other...I even told her not to contact me but i allready did that mistake myself after a few days. She told me I'll be fine and we should't be keeping in touch for some time. She thinks we could remain friends after some time passes by...

    Now I seem to feel more confident about the no-contact theory. Maby I'll 'write' over my instincts and move along with my life...
    Ofourse there are also some other reasons why we fell apart...

    Although I still miss her, her eyes, our intimacy...

    Oh I'm sorry that this got so long. Sorry for my bad english, I'm a foreigner :)

    Thanks again for your great articles! I feel relief when i read these.

    Reply
  • Asha

    I don’t know how my response disappeared. But anyway, I am exactly in the same boat as Asha. My contact period ends just one day before my birthday, so I have decided to wait one more week to initiate contact.

    When we were communicating, we never used facebook. We never felt a need to use Facebook because we were using google and google handout. Actually the reason why we didn’t use Facebook is because I wasn’t that active on Facebook. Now I have become very active, and I was wondering if it is wise to add him to my facebook after the no contact period ends. Or should I add him only after I initiate contact? Remember I am going to initiate contact one week after my no contact period ends. I don’t know if I am making any sense here.

    Also another thing I wanted to add

    My friend is suggesting sending emails about the interesting stuffs I have been doing lately instead of text, but I personally think your idea ( texting) is better than what she is suggesting.

    Also, when we were communicating, I felt I didn’t reciprocate a lot of times. So I have written a letter ( heart warming ) expressing how I feel and that even though I don’t agree with his decision, I have to support this decision. I have not sent this email, but this is what I wrote one month back. I just wanted to get it out of my chest. Do you think I should just delete it and never send this even in the future? I would like to send the letter I wrote privately to you. Is that possible?

    Reply
  • Rachel

    Hi Kevin! We dated only 3 months, me and my ex are both 25 years. I'm only on day 5 of NC and am just wondering what if he doesn't try to contact me at all? So far he hasn't. He did once say he needed his space too, but we continued texting and snapchatting anyway, for I am not sure if this has anything to do with it.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Even if he doesn't contact you for 30 days, you should still contact him after NC. Him contacting you during NC is not as important as you learning to be happy without him.

      Reply
  • Michael

    I wrote you earlier about my wife and I going down the road to divorce. I saw her this weekend for the child exchange and noticed she's having her tattooed wedding ring removed. A different story than she told me earlier. She's found bliss in her new adventures and it looks like her priorities have changed. She's removing all evidence of me. How should I proceed? Maintain the FF, drop the magic letter? I'm so confused about what my next step is. Maybe it's just waiting....please advise.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Michael,

      To be honest, it seems like your wife is set to move on and it'll be in your best interest to accept it as soon as possible. But I know it's easier said than done. You probably want to fight till there is no hope left and I completely understand that. And if that's the case, then I'll suggest you do NC for a while and have some adventures of your own. Take some time off and then contact her. Drop FF and magic letter for now. Try again after NC.

      Reply
    • marnold123

      I was afraid you'd say that. I'm resigning myself to the fact that she is lost. I can't think of anything else to do. It has to be her decision. Thanks for your advice. Best wishes.

      Reply
    • marnold123

      If anyone else is reading this, I want the world to know that I tried to fight. I really tried. I just couldn't bring her back. There isn't anything wrong with the advice given here, it's just that this may be a case where she's just too far gone. Let the world know I loved Miranda Jo Ries with all my heart, that I wanted her to be the last woman I would ever love, and that she will always have my heart. I wish her well and I miss her.

      Reply
  • Nare

    My girl dumped after three weeks saying she's the reason she's breaking up with me is that she does not love me anymore if i ask why she says she doesn't wanna bother me .we were good together n it hurts so much i can bear to see her .I've never felt like this in any breakup before

    .

    Reply
  • stronger

    TRUST ME !!!! Stay away for at least 3 weeks, its will drive them nuts!! He is right, no contact is the only way

    Reply
  • Michael

    Hi Kevin. My wife told me she wanted a divorce 7 weeks ago. I went crazy. Fell into a deep depression, begged, pleaded, and basically did everything I could to drive her away. I did finally just cut off contact and when I saw her this weekend, to hand off our 2.5 yr old daughter, she said she wondered what happened to me and what was going on. That was cool. I've initiated the False Friendship recommended in the book and now I'm just waiting. She says she doesn't love me anymore, but that's not the reason for the divorce. She wants control of HER life, plus she's much younger than me. What advice might you have on sparking that love once again? I'm assuming this may take over a year to rewind. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Take things slow and let her have control of her life. Support her in achieving her goals. But don't be needy and maintain your value at the same time.

      Reply
    • Michael

      Thanks, Kevin. While it's really hard to not want to reach out to her (just to say Hi, I'm thinking about you), I understand the reasons for cutting off. I did it for one week and I can do it again. But how do you suggest going about planting those Bliss Bombs you write about? Is it something I should hold off doing until more time has passed? I fear that we are going to see this divorce through (she's very determined) and it seems like once that happens my odds get a lot slimmer. Thanks to the insight.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, the divorce might make things harder. You can do no contact for a while again if you think you need it. It'll help both of you get some perspective. You can even explain her the reason for doing it before doing it. Just tell her you need some space and time.

      I think bliss bombs will be more effective when some time has passed. But it won't do any harm if you use them right now provided you don't make your intentions obvious.

      Reply
    • Michael

      Thanks again, Kevin. I assume you would agree that talking about how to go about fixing what is wrong with the marriage is premature. It might just make her dig in her heels even more.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, first she should show some signs that she is interested in reconciliation before you can talk about how to fix things.

      Reply
    • Michael

      She's asked me if I want to come over and help her clean out part of her garage that she's trying to turn into a studio. I'm thinking this is a good opportunity for the false friendship, show her I can be supportive of her dreams/goals, and she gets to be in control. I'm working on a bliss bomb to set off too. Fingers crossed.

      Reply
  • Swalker

    Hi Kevin!
    I have gotten and read the entire RelationshipRewind (Which is Great!) only thing is being fairly new to the state I have No InState friends to : A) meet up for a FalseFriend social group hangout, and B) No Male friend to bring out to Prove Sacristy! Any other suggestions? Plz Thank U

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      a)You can just ask to hang out at coffee shop or do some activity together that he might enjoy. B) Skip that part. If you are confident, he will pick up on that regardless.

      Reply
  • Sholly

    Hi Kevin, My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2yrs ago and started dating someone else. I've not been able to get over him since the breakup. We still communicate and i do want him back but somehow i think I've lost my chances cause sometimes i miss him so much and just send those text messages I'm not suppose to send telling him how i feel. He ignores me most times while other times he just smiles and says "OK". Although we still have sex sometimes. I don't know what to do, sometimes i get so confused not knowing how he truly feels about me. When he needs help with anything, he comes to me and of course i always find a way to help him. I really do love him and want him back. How possible is that? What can i do? Or how can i even move on from him still feeling this way even after 2years??? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  • Fishy Mishy

    Hey Kevin,
    I added a comment earlier today but did not find it yet..when will it be posted and I will have my answer? desperately waiting..
    Regards!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Fishy,

      Please post your questions in the message boards for quick response.

      Reply
    • Fishy Mishy

      Sorry Kevin I'am unable to post there as it shows "Incorrect captcha code" again and again.. so i am posting my comment here again..please do answer I am waiting desperately.. Thanks!

      Reply
    • Fishy Mishy

      Hello Kevin,
      Greetings..
      I hope you answer me with your advice in next 24 hrs as I am indeed in need of that.
      I am from India and I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. He loved and cared me every possible way. Although he was a kind of angry and carefree person, yet he called me every day to just ask about how i was going. According to the customs, he sent his mother for me too but his father was not agreed on our marriage so it never done. He was the first and last person to touch me. I got pregnant from him and he did the miscarriage of our 6 weeks baby as its not in our customs here to have sexual relation before marriage. He cared for me during that time as my mother would have did. Even he cried when I was feeling pain.
      He moved to Denmark in October 2013 and is living abroad there now. He broke with me before living for DK as I asked him for marriage and he was not ready for that. but then after 1 n 1/2 months he started contact again because I begged him to do. He changed all his passwords when he moved there. Before that I had access to his all accounts etc. he remained in off/on relation with me while living in DK.
      2 months before I found his conversation with a friend on skype (as skype password is not changed even yet). He was telling him that he is quiet happy there and enjoying a lot with girls and said will send him his photos on facebook which he cant post. From then I started to know his password, which I found by changing a digit in his old password.
      Once I hacked through his account, i read all his conversations there and I found he was in a relationship with a Philiphine girl who he wanted for having mere sex as he was in need of that ( he told his friend on f.b so).
      I asked him about the girl and told that I know about your relation with her through some of your friends. but he said she is just a friend of him.
      Then I saw doubted his relation with a gay through his conversation, which I confirmed through his conversation with another boy that he is in sexual relationship with a Danish guy. I asked about the same from him indirectly and he denied by saying that he is a close friend of him and nothing else. When I insisted he fought and blocked me on f.b and skype.
      Since then I started to contact him less and after 17 days of NC I realized to say sorry and ignore all what he did so hit will be ok now. But the opposite happened. He only sent a message that he loved me but is not interested in me anymore and is gonna marry with some other Indian girl by his parents wish soon and blocked me on viber this time through which i was messaging. The only way remained to contact him was whatsapp. So I messaged him on viber and told him the whole story that I was tracing his accounts for 2 months until he changed his passwords again. and it was from there I found about his relations. I also told him that I am fed up of begging him all the time, I am not contacting him this time and I will wait for him till his marriage and that if he is interested in me so will contact himself I will forgive all his faults otherwise am not gonna do that. He read my messages but did not reply. And as soon as he read my messages, I deleted my whatsapp account so that he is unable to block me there.

      Now its been 10 days of that but he has neither contacted me nor unblocked me from anywhere of the sources I can contact him. I have deleted my fviber, whatsapp, ttango accounts and have deactivated my facebook account too as I don’t find any interest in all these when I cant see him. I indeed love and want him back in my life forever in-spite of all his weaknesses and faults. But it does not seem so as I know he will never contact me first unless I do (its his behavior since last 7 years to not contact first even if the fault was his).
      I am really on pins without him and don’t know how to take him back in my life. I cant even think of life without him. He is the only man I love on earth.
      Please help!!
      Regards!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You said you want him back in his life despite all his weaknesses and faults. May I ask why? And you said "You can't even think of a life without him". I'll suggest you forget about contacting him for now and continue no contact till the time you can thin of a life without him and you learn to be happy without him. I know 7 years is a long time but you have a lot more than 7 years ahead of you. You can't make a decision for the rest of your life simply because letting go of the past 7 years and your first relationship is painful.

      I am not saying you can't get him back. You do have a chance (to be honest, it's very slim), but I don't want you to get back with him for the wrong reasons. Think things through and reach a stage of mind where you can make a rational decision about the rest of your life before trying to get him back.

      Reply
  • Fishy Mishy

    Hello Kevin,
    Greetings..
    I hope you answer me with your advise in next 24 hrs as I am indeed in need of that.
    I am from India and I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. He loved and cared me every possible way. Although he was a kind of angry and carefree person, yet he called me every day to just ask about how i was going. According to the customs, he sent his mother for me too but his father was not agreed on our marriage so it never done. He was the first and last person to touch me. I got pregnant from him and he did the miscarriage of our 6 weeks baby as its not in our customs here to have sexual relation before marriage. He cared for me during that time as my mother would have did. Even he cried when I was feeling pain.
    He moved to Denmark in October 2013 and is living abroad there now. He broke with me before living for DK as I asked him for marriage and he was not ready for that. but then after 1 n 1/2 months he started contact again because I begged him to do. He changed all his passwords when he moved there. Before that I had access to his all accounts etc. he remained in off/on relation with me while living in DK.
    2 months before I found his conversation with a friend on skype (as skype password is not changed even yet). He was telling him that he is quiet happy there and enjoying a lot with girls and said will send him his photos on facebook which he cant post. From then I started to know his password, which I found by changing a digit in his old password.
    Once I hacked through his account, i read all his conversations there and I found he was in a relationship with a Philiphine girl who he wanted for having mere sex as he was in need of that ( he told his friend on f.b so).
    I asked him about the girl and told that I know about your relation with her through some of your friends. but he said she is just a friend of him.
    Then I saw doubted his relation with a gay through his conversation, which I confirmed through his conversation with another boy that he is in sexual relationship with a Danish guy. I asked about the same from him indirectly and he denied by saying that he is a close friend of him and nothing else. When I insisted he fought and blocked me on f.b and skype.
    Since then I started to contact him less and after 17 days of NC I realized to say sorry and ignore all what he did so hit will be ok now. But the opposite happened. He only sent a message that he loved me but is not interested in me anymore and is gonna marry with some other Indian girl by his parents wish soon and blocked me on viber this time through which i was messaging. The only way remained to contact him was whatsapp. So I messaged him on viber and told him the whole story that I was tracing his accounts for 2 months until he changed his passwords again. and it was from there I found about his relations. I also told him that I am fed up of begging him all the time, I am not contacting him this time and I will wait for him till his marriage and that if he is interested in me so will contact himself I will forgive all his faults otherwise am not gonna do that. He read my messages but did not reply. And as soon as he read my messages, I deleted my whatsapp account so that he is unable to block me there.

    Now its been 10 days of that but he has neither contacted me nor unblocked me from anywhere of the sources I can contact him. I have deleted my fviber, whatsapp, ttango accounts and have deactivated my facebook account too as I don't find any interest in all these when I cant see him. I indeed love and want him back in my life forever in-spite of all his weaknesses and faults. But it does not seem so as I know he will never contact me first unless I do (its his behavior since last 7 years to not contact first even if the fault was his).
    I am really on pins without him and don't know how to take him back in my life. I cant even think of life without him. He is the only man I love on earth.
    Please help!!
    Regards!

    Reply
  • rap

    Hi.. My girlfriend broke up with me, 2 days ago.. We talked personally had an honest conversation. She said she fall out of love. Our relationship wasnt on track, she tried to get back her feelings for a month but i think it just get worst.. She just changed..
    When we part ways, she kissed me and she said she wanted to be friends, get out sometime and she will text to say hello...
    She thanked me for loving her... But didnt really say goodbye and its over..

    is it really over?.. Does she only want space?. should i move on or wait for her..
    i really want her back.. Shes the perfect girl to me..

    Reply
  • James

    Hi Kevin, my ex, of a year, broke up with me about a month ago because she said she lost her feelings for me. She said that she just doesn't feel same and doesn't want what we previous planned. I begged and pleaded and it was useless. I gave this girl everything and she is all I want. She makes me feel amazing and we have so much fun together. Then, I went on no contact for a week, sent her a message basically saying I am moving forward. She responded saying not to be sorry and that she was sorry for many things and hopes to still see me at school. She texted me the next day as well and we had a little nice talk. Now we text every so often. She says she still doesn't feel the same or want to lead me on. We go to the same school and have the same friends so I will see her eventually. She said she wants to hang out with me but doesn't want to send any bad messages to me. I'm not quite sure what to do. I love talking to her and seeing her. I get little indications she is showing me signs of interest. She might not want to look week in front of her friends. Or she is playing hard to get. I'm really confused because things are more positive and she isn't shutting me out. I'm not sure what my next move should be. We text and I do see her at parties. She took care of me one night actually. I just need some advice on how to get her back. I feel like when she does see me she will remember all the reasons we started dating and how much fun I am. What do you think I should do? I love her and really really want her back. The year I had with her was the best year of my life and I know we will have a happy amazing future together.

    Reply
  • Christopher

    I left you a long story of my life and I didn't get one response from you. I'm confused how ppl got to post the question they have for you because it only wasted my time. Writing you for 2 hrs and no reply. No response. I'm very disappointed in your help.
    Christopher

    Reply
  • Gigi

    Hi Kevin -everyone. My ex and I had a tumultuous relationship. When we were hapoy things were incredibly romantic and we were everyone's envy couple. Sadly, we also fought a lot about his need to flirt w/women. He cheated in the first month together and I couldn't deal with that and his flirting. He tried to change. I became pregnant and we sped up the process to be together, he was happy making changes, introducing me to his parents and dreaming. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and days later he asked if it'll be om to see other people. I left him. I did 5 weeks NC, and we saw each other 3 weeks ago. As said by him "we were so happy together, we're it for each other" but had a fallen out and ended up texting our relationship troubles. Since then he's grown distant and answers hours later -2-24 hours in between. Suddenly he would send me sweet messages about missing me, and how glad he is to have me in his life, then he runs cold again. I'm trying to not bring up relationship talk at all and it's worked for these past 2 days. He's not making first contact yet. I knkw he's dating other people -though he's trying to keep it quiet and has asked me to not tell him if I do because it'll only hurt and is not helpful. He's suggested we see each otber at some point. Then totally quiet and said "I'm doing a lot of growing right now". What can I do? I truly love him. I mis him. I know we could do it better. Thanks!

    Reply
  • Jose

    Hey Kevin

    What if they don't contact you at all during the NC period? What should I do then?? I know she is dating another guy right now, so should I consider this relationship over??
    Please help,
    Jose

    Reply
  • Camilla

    Hi, though I broke up with my bf, I still wants him back. We broke up because he became cold and he said don't know if he love me, not sure about the feelings for me. I burst out in tears but did not beg back. After awhile, the very same day evening, we were doing things almost like what we did for our first date. After that about a week later we meet up again, the awkwardness were similar to when we were hanging out back then trying to know each other, were happy. I can't stop reading his every actions, seems like he still into me, so confusing! I don't understand why is he saying that he don't know. At that night I decided not to reply him had his text the last, it was a conversation that can and can also not be continued. I also decided to start the No Contact 30 days rule. Exactly a week later was my birthday and he wished on the day. I don't want to break it to start all over again since its so hard to go through for that 1 week! Now am on the start of 3rd week of NC and 1 month from now its his birthday, should I wish him back? Is it ok to send him a simply birthday letter but with no affection? *Will it creep him?* Should I try contacting him before that? Or a belated wish? Other than that he didn't even contact me. How to make him want me back?

    Reply
  • Angela

    Kevin
    I dated a guy from jan-june, long distance, he is 30 and I'm 43. We saw each other 3-4 days a week, as I drove there or he came to my house. I have a sales job and cover 8 states, he seemed to show insecurity as I would post pics of my travels and some had guy friends in them. Yet, I never gave him any reason to not trust me and have been completely devoted to him alone. My last work trip he sent a text at 8:45 pm and I was asleep and didn't hear it. It was 9:45 where I was, I responded at 6 am the next morning as soon as I saw it explaining that I had fallen asleep. He became angry, said I forget about him when I travel and has not spoken to me since. I have texted, called for 10 days straight. Finally, he agreed to talk to me so I drove to his house. He said he "needed somebody now that lives there" and I don't work or live there. I asked if he was willing to wait for me to make arrangements to move there and he replied with the same response of "I need someone who lives here." I gave him a kiss and wished him well. He texted me the next morning asking if I made it home okay. I didn't reply bc I was hurt and wanted no contact. He was asking mutual friends about me until he heard that I had gone out on a date 3 days after we broke up. Now nothing. I bought shoes and a shirt for him prior to our breakup, which he was aware of, and shipped them to his mom with a very sweet note yesterday. He still has not contacted me. He told me a week before our split that he was in love with me and wanted a future together. I feel the same. Can you PLEASE advise me here?

    Reply
  • Tom

    Hi Kevin

    I have recently split with a girl after a year. She finished with me, saying her feelings had changed. I know she was so in love with me, she used to cry and get so paranoid every time i went back to uni. She started seeing a guy two weeks later, i know this is an obvious rebound. When she says, she feels nothing towards me, that can't be true right? None can switch off that easy. I still love her, but it has dented my ego.

    Reply
  • cheri

    Kevin,

    My husband and I were together for almost years and married for 6 years. we have a 4 year old son. My husband dumped me 3 months ago but only left the house 3 days ago. he said he did not love me anymore and cannot stand to live with me under one roof.

    The problem began when I found out that he is having an affair with his cousin's friend but already broke up when i caught. the affair lasted for two months. from then, i forgave him and later realized that he is not happy anymore with me. and same with me for him. then i asked him to give me space but he dont want. but after few days of kept on asking for space and quarreling over petty things. everytime we quarrel, i always humiliate him with the words that he is a worthless person because he dont give value to all the persons who valued him. and he cannot be loved because he cannot love back. in short, i tell him always that he is a total jerk. but at the back of my mind, i am telling these things to him because i want him to punish emotionally and that his conscience will hunt him. but things happened differently.
    Now, me and my child left alone.

    you think after said and done he will go back to us? will the NC work for us? Please i need your advice badly. I really love my husband but i hurt him alot.

    Reply
  • Scarlett

    Hi,
    I desperately need your advice. :( I'm hoping that you could help me. My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. Although things were great between us (we both fell in love with each other hard and fast), my Mom was strongly against the relationship. We endured all the pain because I knew that he is The One and he was also sure about me.
    However, two months ago he decided to move away because he wanted to work hard for our future. We couldn't do much here while my Mom is closely monitoring my every action. After he moved away, I did everything I can to maintain communication. I called him every night, sent him money to get him started. But it wasn't easy. I constantly missed his presence.
    Things then started to go downhill when we exchanged Facebook accounts one night. He discovered that I have been keeping in touch with guy friends and been talking about stuff that was too inappropriate (I realized too late). He's been digging my every message thread to every friend since then. I haven't shared everything about me to him, when he was being completely honest with me. :( I even tried to make my mistakes appear as if they were nothing, which made him all the more angry.
    Is it really possible to win him back when I'm the one at fault? I really don't want to lose him. He's the only guy I've ever loved truly. I don't think I could still find anyone like him. I pleaded, begged for him to stay but he told me that I could never gain his trust (and the love) back. :( It really broke my heart. I still want him but he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm a crying mess right now. I want to make it up to him, but he hates me now. It's even harder for me because he's so far away and we have only discussed this over the phone. :(
    Please help me?

    Reply
    • stormy

      Hi ,

      First of all , you should already know the rule of being loyal to each other . 2nd , when trust is already broken , sad to say but it is hard to put all the trust back again.
      My advice for you is to learn you lesson , don't chase man and ask for him to come back. That's telling a guy that you are easy and you don't have a respect to yourself. The best way to deal with this is , say an apology or send a letter , and for sure you already done with that. Take time for both of you to contemplate , if he says that he is moving on to his life , you need to respect his decision and learn to adapt . I know it's hard , but this is also for your own good. You don't want him to give an impression of being desperate. Learn to love yourself and next time , don't do stupid things. I also recommend for you , while you are in a grieving process , take time to contemplate and analyze your action. Read articles regarding to a healthy relationship and coaching so that next time you know what are the precaution. About you and your ex-boyfriend , if there is a way , you can be friends with him , so that the both of you have a continuous communication , but don't try to control his life . Remember that you are back to zero .
      And if things are meant to be for both of you , possible there is a chance that you too are on back on track. Again , read articles and don't be so desperate.

      I hope this advice will help you.

      stormy

      Reply
  • Andy

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex broke up with me after 2.5 years. We broke up last year for 2 month and managed to get back together after she realized the guy she was seeing wasn’t a good man at all and saw all the changes in me. Her family loves me a lot and has said that I was the best man she has ever had; she feels the same way. We broke up this time after 8 month in. She said nothing has changed and we are still where we were last year. We are not young anymore; I’m 40 and she is 32 with a 5 yo. She still wants me to be part of her family and I want to cuz I still love them and her, and she knows I want to get back. She broke up cuz she hasn’t been happy for awhile now, and when I ask, she doesn’t know what will make her happy. She has this idea in her head that Im wasting my time being with her, that I will end up resenting her and her child later if things don’t work out and she can’t find peace in her heart. We were in love and now she says she just loves and cares for me. I feel that her fears and doubts are making her run away. What should I do?

    Reply
  • Cole deltoro

    Hello, my ex and I were together for about 1o months, we moved in fast. I gave up everything for her. We originally planed on taking space during the first week I contacted her everyday via text. Sometimes phone calls. She found out I lied to her about some past issues. She forgave me however she is still being shady answering short reply text messages ignoring calls, not wanting to talk about anything serious. It's been a month and two weeks in the course she has called me drunk at three a.m. And very recently came to a bar I hang out a lot and made out with me , basically teased me all night just to tell me she has been dating someone new, I find it to be bullshit because , why is she making out with me????... I'm very upset and tired of the games!!! I do want her back so bad but is it to late to start the no contact cold turkey rule? If so how long should I do since I've already been clingy and weak , if I want her back? Has she really moved on considering she was making out with me for hours and telling me she misses sex with me. ?Please help please !!!

    Reply
  • Chris

    Hi Kevin,
    I was in a serous enough relationship for 5 months, we both go to the same college and when term ended we both decided it would be best to end it due to a few reasons, the main one being distance, since we wont see each other for 3 months(possibly 6) . We did a bit of talking afterwards, no relationship talk. Now we are both doing no contact. I feel the relationship was cut-short and we were very good together. I've been trying to move on with other girls but I really don't feel like it. What do you feel I should do?
    Thank you,
    Chris

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do NC for a while and get back in touch 2-3 weeks before the next term starts. Give it another try. At least you will find out if she feels the same way.

      Reply
  • Julia

    Hey Kevin! I posted in another section on accident. I think this one is more fitting.

    Me and my ex are both 20 and we went out for almost 3 years. I'm leaving for college in a few months and we both didn't want to do long distance. So at the end it got very bitter and he said there wasn't a point of being together since I was leaving and moving on with my life.

    He's very insecure about himself and thinks I'm too good for him because I have my life figured out and he's no where close. He thinks very lowly of him himself, drinks a lot, and is extremely influenced by his friends (who are all a**holes). He begged me to breakup with him and we fought about it.

    We went to a concert and he blew up at me for no reason. He said disrespectful things to me and I said somethings I regret as well. I even slapped him because of how horribly he was treating me and telling me to get away from him.

    We broke up that day and haven't talked since. It's been a little over a month.

    I don't want to be with him I just want answers and I want to apologize and forgive him so I can move on. What do I do??

    I know he talked badly about me to his friends and family after we broke up. So I don't know if he's still mad. Just don't want to be on bad terms with him...

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Julia,

      In my experience, you don't need to apologize to move on or to forgive him. But if you think it'll help, you can always call him up and be honest about it. But I must warn you, don't expect that call to go exactly the way you imagine it to be. There's a good chance he might say some hurtful things if he is still holding resentment and anger. And you might even lose control and reciprocate. So, be prepared for that and if things go south, just end the call.

      An alternative is a letter apologizing for what you did and acknowledging that whatever happened was in the heat of the moment and hopefully both of you can put this behind and move on with your lives.

      Reply
  • Chase

    Hey Kevin I have to be honest me and my ex broke up 4 weeks ago. Her parents hated me the entire 2 and a half years we dated and she said it finally got to her. Well about 4 days after we broke up she cut all contact with me. And after she did that I'll admit I went off the deep end. I texted her begging and pleading. Facebook phone calls the whole 9 yards. Will the no contact thing work for me also? Or have I dug myself too deep of a hole

    Reply
  • Curious

    Hey Kevin,

    I'm not sure how long you take to respond to these messages but I really hope you respond to mine today as it's a really interesting situation.

    My ex and I were together for 4 yrs after recently breaking up about 3 months ago due to my constant negligence and unappreciative attitude towards her. Since the break-up I've realized what I did wrong in the relationship and have made significant changes in my lifestyle and attitude, changes that she has noticed.

    Unfortunately, it's hard for her to fully let me back in her life because while we were broken up someone else started showing her attention and they've been on a couple of dates, most recently yesterday. The thing is though, she still tells me that she loves me, has feelings for me, and wants to be with me in the future (kind of like having her cake and eating it). She's even coming to spend the summer with me really soon, so that's 3 months of just her and me.

    I know that those 3 months allow for opportunity for us to get back together but as we are friends right now I would like your advice on the best way to handle the situation when she's staying with me.

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do no contact till she comes for the summer. Until then, tell her you need some space and time to deal with the breakup.

      Reply
  • just J

    Hi Kevin,
    I been together with this sweet girl on and off for 4 years. shes 24 now im 32
    i was her first real boyfriend, first love and first time. the reason of the on and off relationship has mainly being because of me. i hurt her when i met her 4 years ago when i left her for an ex. then the ex dint wanted me back so me and this girl we got back together. during this whole time she will express to me how umcomfortable she feels that i still talk to my ex and is not because she was jealous but because she coulnt believe i became good friends with someone who treat her like shit ( my ex although she dint wanted to b with me shell come to her house and talk to her bad ) and i also treat her bad because of her, like i got a tattoo of my ex before i met this girl and she will asked me to remove it but i never did till now.

    basically it will b years of fighting her telling me her needs and comfort levels and i would b a idiot telling her is the past to move on. that i love her, then ill say jealousy insecurity etc. she will get offended.

    from all this 4 years that we been on and off she will hook up with people (when we break up ) she wont go like less than 2 weeks without having rebounds and some relationships, but then ill come back and beg for her this and that and she will leave whoever shes with to b with me. 4 years and aside from me shes been intimate with like 5 guys. but me everytime we break up im just alone i never been in the need to have sex with somebody else that is not her because i love her.

    I been reading all emails that we exchange during this years and they are the same she doesnt feel heard, she ask for time and she ends it up contacting me.
    this last break up its very intense. i had her promise that i would only talk to my ex as an ac·quaintance. things were good and one night i brough her a bouquet of flowers just because. she loved it. later that night like at 4 am she woke me up saying i lie to her. she had check my fb and phone and saw that i talk to my ex like a good friend.

    she got very upset. at that time we were living together. she asked me for space so she went upstate to think about it. i got really mad and i talked to friends and wanted to break up. i dint wanted to be with someone like that. she came back and wanted to talk, i responded "i need time " she got very insulted and broke up with me.
    i sent an email saying i love you a lot i hope we can grow in the relationship your also my first love but i wanna talk to whoever i want etc.
    she responded by email saying. i cant see you dont get what im saying. she make it clear how she doenst feel heard etc.
    a whole month pass and we dint talked. i miss her deeply and was forcing myself not to call her. then at the end of that month she texted me saying she had something for me it was a gift.

    i call her right away and beg to come back. she got scared and ask for more time. 2 days later i hired her to work this party with me.
    party ended and she asked to stay at my house, we share the same bed we cuddle then shell feel bad. she also said she felt in love with her bestfriend. we talked i cried and beg her to give me one more chance she dint want to then cried to.
    long story short she stayed almost a whole week in my bed since that party.
    it would b a mix of cuddle then no give me space, cuddle, no this is too romantic.

    then she asked me for more time, but a few days later we will ran into each other on the streets. she wanted to keep it simple and distant but at the end she will invite her self to my house and of course i always said yes so once again we cuddle, she would let me kiss her neck etc. very sweet stuff but no kissing no sex.

    then she asked me to take the train to her to her work, on that ride she offered to get me an ok cupid profile. i got very mad and said i dont care about that, we discuss she said shell see other people and it wont b an equal friendship etc, i told her not to worry for me, then her stop came and left.

    2 days later she came to my house to hang out, we cuddle at night watch a movie etc. next morning it was so sweet shell pet me and treat me so sweet with no feeling bad, she asked me to go to her work again with her, i did. the whole train ride (1 hour ) ill put my face on her shoulders shell pet me and the more time we spent on the train the more intense it got it wasnt just me kissing her neck, then it was her kissing my cheeks, my forehead, she will want me to do that to her too. then 3 stops before her stop she asked me :what if we have a one last kiss then promise not to contact me because this is very hard for me " i said yes
    we kiss and i could tell she loves me a lot.

    by mistake i had her train card with me. so she calls me after work to get it. she express over the phone she still remains on that promise of not talking for a month. i said yes
    she comes to my house at night time. i prepare a nice dinner for her. a nice table.wine.flowers candles all that. she doenst like it and she feels sad she said she needs to talk. her bday just happened a few days ago. she found out i had a surprise bday party for her with all her friends (that actually they hate me ) and also found out that i bought a plane ticket for her brother to come from cali to nyc. she love that but she felt bad. she dint wanted to sit on the table but at the end she did. i told her how much i love her how she makes me feel. how i see now the mistakes i made and how i treat her with no respect. she went from a few awww to i cant be in a relationship with you right now. with noone actually its gonna take me time to fall in love etc. lets give each other time.
    she went to my room to get her stuff i dint move from the table as i was sad and crying.
    she came back to the table standing by my side and pet me. i asked her for one last kiss. she actually gave me 2. one long then she back up then gave me another one then she left.
    she lost her house keys that night so she came back a few hours after that dinner and last kiss. she saw me all drunk and in a bad estate. we slept in the same bed once again cuddeling. next morning she offer to buy the "last breakfast " i was sad so it was a shitty breakfast then came back home got her stuff and we said till later.

    its been 8 days now since i havent contacted her. her bday was yesterday and her brother is here. im gonna give her space. but im very sad i miss her alot. what do you think about this. should i wait for her to contact me or contact her when that month is over? how shoudl i handle the situation when we see each other again. i really want her back. shes truly the love of my life.

    Reply
  • Kyle

    My ex and I began dating early this year. We met online. I had dated around for many years and have experienced many good relationships yet they just didn't work out. Online dating had never really worked for me but she asked me to go out with her so I agreed. We instantly hit it off. I remember thinking that night 'This woman is my future wife'. She later confessed that she too had the same feelings, that we had an extremely strong connection. I can say this through the experience of many dates I've been on. We began to see each other regularly and became a couple. Happy times they were. We began to talk quite frequently of the future and our goals were very alligned with each other. Our values and ideas created a strong bond. A while into the relationship I purchased a house, which turned out to be quite stressful for me. Work troubles added to that stress and I became frustrated and negative and felt as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I did not handle this stress productively as I am not one to be in situations like that. I am quite level headed, content and happy with life. She left me without much warning at all. We went from being very intimate and affectionate to her leaving in a day.
    So I carried on and left it at that, I decided I wanted to help and change myself to become happy again, to fix my behavior issues and carry on. As hard as I tried I just could not lose the feeling that us being apart was wrong but I decided I would leave her be, but around two weeks post break up I found some books she had left at my place. I had not heard of the no contact rule. I sent her a text and she agreed stop by and grab her books in a few days. When she came over she was instantly all over me, touchy feely. We had a good chat and she asked if we could work this out. She had noticed a change in me instantly and recognized that I did not want to change for her but for my own happiness. We agreed to give it another go. For a month things went great, we laughed a lot, our love grew deeper and stronger and we were always gushing over how happy we were to be together again. As you may know change doesn't happen over night, and one afternoon I had a wreck, got pissed at myself and was grouchy for a couple of hours. I quickly became mindful again about my behavior and corrected it. But two days later it had an obvious effect on her as she decided to leave again. She said she loved me and had never had a connection quite like ours but she just couldn't trust that I would fully change. The resentment and fears from the first time we broke up were still present. She said she wasn't giving up on me but that she didn't want "us" anymore. It was tougher to lose her the second time around, and I sent a couple of text messages asking her to follow her heart and show some courage and drive to see us through but that wasn't getting through to her. So I left it at that. It's been 5 days since we've talked. I've read the info on this site and I believe that the no contact rule for 30 days is absolutely imperative. I just wish that I had read this site before I made contact after only two weeks. Any thoughts or suggestions?

    Reply
    • just j

      Hey Kyle, i actually going throught almost the same deal. i been with this woman i love on and off for 4 years and i hurt her a lot. just like you said
      "The resentment and fears from the first time we broke up were still present. She said she wasn’t giving up on me but that she didn’t want “us” anymore."

      she still has a lot of resentment for all of the past she has tell me she has a mix of love and hate for me and last time we talk she pretty much also says the same" i love you but not romatically "

      she asked for one month.

      just like you kyle i want her bad so bad but i think is the best to give her like 3 weeks
      thas all i can suggest

      Reply
  • Tatjana

    Hello Kevin,

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, it was my first physical relationship and he also was first ever person I was intemately close with. I am 21 and he is 22 we also are from different cultures as I was born Russian and he is English with adult ADHD, our relationship was on and off and we had a lot of little dissagreements . But no matter what and how hard it would be I always stood by hes side and gave him always what he desired, always supported him and always made sure that he was happy. He is also very overprotective and possesive man and I did all my best to make sure he feels secure about my loyalty to him. He always use to tell me how much he apreciates me and all the things I do for him and that he will never be able to find any better than me.

    But last couple weeks I havent been my self and we had feew little arguments and we had bad weekends together , last week we decided that we spent too much together and that we need a break from each other and arguments , whole this time apart I still tried contacting him making sure he was alright and reasuring him that I want things to work out and that I cant wait to be back with him to begin new start. And only yesturday he sent me a text saying that he cant deal with all the stress from the arguing and that he want to break up proply for now and maybe start seeing other people. I tried calling him back straight away and asking giving it one more chance and letting me to try make things right again I asked him if I could come down to see him and talk it over in person, but he always keept saying he dont want to and that he made his mind up and that if I come down it would make it harder fo both of us. The more I tried convincing him the more he was rejecting me and saying that the stress got too much and that he cant be joking around with me because I dont understand him.
    Its been second day now since this has happened even tho he really hurt me I still have hopes deep inside that after a while he will realise it wasnt best way out and no one accept and unerstand him better than I did. Do you think he would come back? What should I do now. Thank you in advance

    Reply
  • Rich

    Hi Kevin,

    My girlfriend got depressed because of a physiological illness, an hormone deficiency, and in spite of my support, she started to feel guilty because she couldn't correspond me in the relationship. Then she decided to breakup saying that she would reach me out when she get better because she cared for me a lot. We ended the night saying we loved each other and after 2 days she sent me a message asking how I was doing. I answered I was working on to get better. After 2 weeks was her birthday and I sent a message wishing positive energy to her and she thanked in a playful way. Then we kept no contact for almost a month and then she again asked me how I was doing. I said I was feeling better, learning to play new musics in my guitar and that I was seeking professional help to handle my conflicts (Before the relationship, I had some personal issues that she asked to help me, but when she started to get worse, she was in no condition to help.). Then I asked about her. She answered that she was really happy and proud to know that I was handling my issues. She said she was starting to get better and tried to go out but didn't work very well. And then she asked if I'm going out to enjoy my life. I didn't answered yet but I will tell her the truth: I am in fact going out and enjoying with my friends and tell about a post I saw that reminded me of her because it related a show we liked with color theory, a subject she loves. I won't tell her but I have some planned dates. I want her back because our relationship was a nice expierence. We learned a lot from each other and we had travel plans. I am pretty sure we would be accomplishing that plans if it wasn't for her condition. Any advices?

    Thanks in advance!

    Reply
  • Stuart

    Hey there Kevin,
    My gf broke up with me after 2 months of a wonderful relationship, and I mean a really wonderful one. I must say I was shocked at first and I didn't even beg or tried to convince her. This happened 3 days ago and I'll do my best to avoid any contact with her for a good amount of time cause I want her back for real. How long do you think I should wait? Any other advice you would like to share I'll be grateful! Thanks!

    Reply
  • Mark

    Hi. Love this site, but my situation is a bit more complicated. She asked me to find another place to live. Said she was worn out and did not love me anymore. We have to young boys 3 and 5 and I have to stay in contact and cooperate with her on that. Fine. I'll do that for my kids. I will try to heal our relation as much as I can. It happened two weeks ago and in that period we have been mad, arguing, but also quite close in periods. Almost to the point if having sex. She says she needs time, but has her own, exact ideas about how this should play out. I'm a wreck inside. Few money, no job. Trying to get one. Trying to find a new home close to my kids.. I have some shit to deal with and surely so does she. However, in her busy life with career and kids I was apparently what was wrong and could be removed from the equation of her life.. She posts happy images on Facebook, so I blocked her. Last week I said to her that I needed time away from her too to try turn things around. It worked for a while. She sat down and just stared out the window, telling me that now it suddenly felt like I was breaking up with her. I sense ambivalence in her and perhaps it really is time she needs. The first two days I apologized for my wrongdoings in detail and tried to convince her to therapy. No matter if we were going apart for good or not. After all, like I said, it would improve our communication going forward, which would benefit the kids..no I am in my anger fade. I feel like she abandoned me to the world and left me in so many practical and emotional problems that life is extremely hard to deal with. Think I understand the "rules" you give here. Common psychology, but it is hard to deal with because we have to cooperate all the time. Ok, I talk with her about the kids and that's it.. Still see them in our old home until I get a new one.. Her parents live nearby and do not like me. I'm not good for her. They do not see her own problems. Oldest sibling in the family used to getting it her way. Dad a functioning alcoholic with money and good advice. No looking inwards in the mentality.. I believe sometimes that her and I are not finished with each other- we never even started. It's a classic : too much to do at work , two small kids. One with a minor handicap and no time for our relation...f... I am so angry that she just gave up. Think she list herself someway. It always takes two.. Hope we can separate and meet up as two individual persons choosing each other again, but my emotions are hard to control and I would like to get detailed advice from you, please..

    Reply
    • Mark

      Sorry.. Forgot to mention that I went down with stress and my career job and decided to finish my studies. When she left me I was almost finished. Can't finish now, but have to find work.. I've worked with myself mentally the past year and involved her in the problems my psychiatrist believe I have all the way. However, I was put on a waiting list and at the same time very stressed with studies, like she was at work.. She believes I am the problem. How do I change that Kevin?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mark,

      You need to move out as soon as possible, as you are already probably know. Like you said, the only way to go about this is to move out, and meet as two separate individuals. This is the only way she can see things from a different perspective. And so will you. Also, if you are married, please speak to a lawyer before moving out. If the worst happens, and you have to go through divorce, then moving out might work against you in divorce settlement.

      Reply
    • Mark

      Apologies. I am 40 and she is 34

      Reply
  • Miranda

    Hello Kevin,
    I am 25, which is the same age of my ex, I've been in a relationship with him for about a year and then I broke up with him for almost two and half years, then he got back to me after begging for a second chance. There are lots of personality and life style differences between us, although he decided to defeat all these stuff to get back to me.. After another year of being together, I broke up with him.. Actually during the later year he was stressing on my flaws and telling me almost always that we were not destined to be together, I was the one who used to make up and make compromises, I committed several mistakes that made me lose my self confidence, he used to make me feel that I am not perfect for him and he is not feeling comfortable in our relationship despite of being in love with me, he said that he might find someone who understands him more and being in love with them is not that important.. I felt bad about myself.. Last week, I realized that it was really horrible to stay in a relationship when I don't feel secure!! So finally I broke up with him.. Actually, all what I want now is to make him feel that he has lost a big deal and I want him to get back to me.. Thanks in advance!

    Reply
    • Miranda

      I'm sorry I forgot to tell you that after I broke up with him I did a very silly mistake, I got his facebook password and knew that he got back together with some girls who used to like him!!! I found that he likes and comments on some photos of other girls and adding some whom he never knew before!! What I did was really stupid, I wanted to piss him off by texting him, Itold him that I can tell that all what he does now is dating others to fill the gap I left in his life... He replied me back as he will never do this!! And he already found someone whom is meeting his expectations... It is note worthy to mention that all this scenario happened the same day I broke up with him...
      Luckily, I stopped contacting him.. I am trying very hard not to open his facebook account to apply the no contact rule .. But I am still lost and wondering, can I get him back to me?? Or he just sees the bad needy and the one who lost her self confidence just to make him feel happy about the relationship?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Miranda,

      The best way to do that is to apply no contact, work on yourself and try to move on. If he ever realizes that, he will come back to you. Eve if he doesn't, you'll still find someone who will appreciate you and who will be a much better match for you than he ever was.

      Reply
  • Ian

    Hi Kevin

    My partner and I were engaged and have a three year old. We worked for the same organization at the time. My partner has suffered from depression in the past when I met her. She came off her depressants.

    We had a fight and I assaulted her I would like you to know this was a one off please do not cast judgment. I was prosecuted and when I came back to our family home my partner had slipped in to deep depression she asked me to give her space as things were not the same and she had fallen out of love from me. At the same time I was disciplined at work with an 18 month final written warning. I moved out to give her time and in that time she slept with a senior manager. I did not know at this time.

    We decided to try again. After a month I found out she had slept with the senior manager. I confronted her and she left me. Bought each other out from the property and arranged child care splitting 50 50. My partner got two new jobs while all this was taking place. Settling in the oil and gas industry doing very well for her self. After splitting furniture and settling she asked for me back and asking for lots of space. At the time we seamed to be back in love both trying to forgive each other. Arranging family holidays going on weekends away. The space closed fast and I didn't resist in fact I was probably pushing to close it. She was on anti depressants at this time then came off them for stomach issues. She warned me she would be all over the place for a bit. The happy times lasted for 6 weeks and she went out and stayed out till the early hours I tried to contact her and her phone went off. I left voice mails and texts explaining how I was feeling. In the morning I let her know how I felt. The next day I found texts from him and her. I confronted her and she went from begging me to forgive her as nothing happened and the two things were separate. I asked for a few hours and on my return she asked for time to think about our relationship and when she came back she said it was over she was very ill and need time to get better. She then said she doesn't love me any more.

    We have a little girl together I know I need to give her space but we are in contact about her all the time. I still believe she loves me and just needs space to get better. Well I hope. I am not forgetting what I did in this don't worry I am on help program's and understand why she slept with another man. I need help in helping her and to understand what she is going through I would like to get back with her. The no contact thing is very hard for me any help would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you

    Reply
  • Anna

    Hi Kevin,

    My ex and I broke up about 7 weeks ago, he's 21 and I'm 23 and we'd been together for about 14 months and been living together for 9 of those. He broke up with me because he felt he wasn't ready for how committed our relationship when we were both so young. We both agreed that in hindsight, that our relationship wasn't really ready for us to move in, we're so young still. When we decided to do it, it made more circumstantial sense. I was looking for a job in the city he lived in and asked me to move in as it made sense. Had I already lived closer, we wouldn't have moved so fast. Since we've broken up we've both agreed that we think things could have worked if we'd taken it slower. We felt we killed our relationship. He still wants us to be friends because he doesn't want me to be completely gone forever. Do you think after some time apart we can try again at a new relationship and take things a lot slower? Other than this, we had a great relationship.

    Thanks.

    Reply
  • Wayne Warren

    Hey Kevin me and my ex were together for about 10 months and had a wonderful relationship no fight or yelling etc always got along. We had plans to move in together this summer actually. Well I was asleep and she went through my phone and found some inappropriate text messages to two other girls. Nothing super sexual but could easily be assumed that it could have gone farther or would have. Anyways nothing ever physical ever happened with the girls and I and I knew them from before I met my ex and would just carry on conversations with them from time to time and did not completely stop. I know this was wrong but I truly do love my gf and I feel I did this out pure ignorance and attention. This happened on March 31st and of course I did not follow the NC rule and we saw each other a few times but she tells me she would hate the person she would be if we got back together. See she is very non confrontational and well that kinda hurt because she did not fight much for us but I know that's her nature. If I enforce the NC rule and really better myself is there a chance for us down the road being that we had such a good relationship ?

    Thanks , Wayne

    Reply
  • Jess

    Dear Kevin,

    My boyfriend and I had been together for two and a half years. For the first eighteen months we were long distance (about a 3 hour drive apart) and saw each other once a week. I had plans to go travelling before I met him and he decided to join me.

    We travelled Asia for five months and in that time grew even closer. We didn’t get engaged as such but were so certain of our relationship that we bought wedding rings and I even had a dress made with the idea of getting married in a year or two.

    We then came to Australia to work. We rented a place together and that was when the cracks started to show. We had both always been very independent throughout our relationship and I never suffered from any insecurity until we moved in together. He became very focussed on his work and became close with his female boss. I started to feel insecure about it and felt he did not give me the support I needed. I think we were both a little homesick and missed our friends and family so it affected our relationship.

    After feeling down for weeks I decided to end the relationship which I now regret. I tend to act on impulse and almost tried to create drama to get some feelings out of him which was wrong. He was very hurt by this and did not want to get back together. We had to live together for a few weeks before I moved out which made things worse.

    I couldn’t face staying in the same town as him as it was very small so I went to the east coast to travel with a friend for a few weeks. I am still on the east coast. It has been eight weeks now since I left. We have had some contact but not much. I will be seeing him again in eight more weeks as we have a flight back to the UK booked together but we both intend on returning to Australia after a few weeks at home.

    Although I regret breaking up with him I do feel like we both needed the distance. I think the relationship got too intense too fast and most importantly we both lost our own identities amidst it all. I am now very confused because I don’t miss being in a relationship, in fact I am enjoying growing as a person and regaining my independence but I do miss him as a person and love him dearly.

    We had the perfect relationship up until Australia. We have never shouted at each other even during the breakup and have so much in common. One big issue was the fact that I love travelling and had a lot of plans with him that I thought we both shared but it came to light that he doesn’t want it quite as much as I do and is more focussed on his carrier.

    I am not sure how he feels. I’m pretty sure he still loves me but he has told me that right now he is enjoying being alone and discovering who he is again. He said the memories we have made are amazing and nothing can take that away. I feel like that statement implies that he does not want to rekindle anything.

    We are both still young (me 22 and him 24) and have a lot of growing to do but I think I would like to do it with him. I feel sad because I feel a though I idolised the relationship and that the long distance and the travelling made it more of a ‘honeymoon stage’ thing. When it actually came to moving in together and doing normal everyday things, I gave up before even giving it a chance.

    I guess what I am asking for is your view on this? Whether you think we should get back together or if you think he would like to? He is very hard to read and gives nothing away for me to tell if he still wants me in his life. But I do believe that we are soul mates.

    Thank you,

    Jess

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jess,

      Living together and traveling together are two very different things. Apparently, you do well when you travel, but you are not so good when you live together. It's true that some other factors might have affected the dynamics of the relationship and in an ideal situation, you two might have worked. But if you two were really compatible, you would've worked through the issues.

      I think it's for you to figure out whether or not you should try to get back together. And if you do, you will have a pretty good chance of reconciliation. You'll just have to follow the plan.

      Reply
  • Philippa

    Me and my ex were only together for two months. The breakup ended for various reasons I'd rather not discuss. However, he was VERY annoyed. I told him I'd return in 6 or 12 months to check up on him. Considering we dated for such a short amount of time though, both seem too long of a wait. It's now been another (painful) two months since our breakup, though I violated NC. I sent him a couple messages saying I've cleaned up on vacation and let go of the past. Hope he does the same.

    Can I contact him now or should I still wait a bit longer?

    Reply
  • Em

    My boyfriend of almost 5 months broke up with me Sunday morning after he found a screenshot of a guy I met in vegas texting me. He broke into my phone while i was sleeping in his bed, after we had a great night on a double date, and looked through thousands of my pics to try to find something incriminating obviously. He then proceeded to wake me up screaming at 6:30 am and kick me out of his bed and drive me home, all the while screaming at me and trying to verbally break me down. I didn't do anything with the guy from vegas and he knew I had a boyfriend bc I told him and the people he was with. My bf thinks I cheated on him but I would've never done that. I have always been extremely loyal, loving, and faithful to him and dedicated all of my time to him. Our relationship has been rocky at times but we have always managed to work through our fights and stay together, because our love is so stong. We spent almost everyday together since November, talking all day about anything and everything, and everyone around us always said how adorable and lovey dovey we were, and how we looked so happy. It's been 3 days and I already miss him so much. I tried going to his house with a handwritten love letter but he didn't answer the door for me, and I know he was home. He hasn't answered a single phone call or text, and he unfollowed me on Instagram and deleted all our pics together. He told me in our last convo on Sunday that there was no chance of us ever getting back together and that I've hurt him more than anyone ever has. I haven't contacted him since right after I left his house on Monday, to say that he should just rip up the letter because it didn't mean anything anymore. This was after I rang his bell 10 times, called about 5, and texted him a dozen messages that I was outside. No response. What should I do?! I feel like a part of me is gone, but I know that he treated me in humanely on Sunday and is completely unreasonable and hardheaded. He wouldn't even let me explain.

    Reply
  • Shan

    Sorry forgot to give our ages. Im 44 and he is 41.

    Reply
  • Shan

    Hi Kevin
    Me and my boyfriend of nearly 9 months split up 3 weeks ago. We work in the same place, and were very close. He hadn't had a long term relationship in some years. He denied this but all his friends told me there hadn't really been anyone in the 12 years they had known him.
    The breakup happened suddenly, over something he had promised to do and didn't. I over-reacted. When I tried to get back with him 2 days later, he wasn't having any of it. He told me that the relationship hadn't been that good, as he had just always agreed to everything I'd said and my stresses had got him down. He doesn't want confrontation or conflict.
    We met last Thursday so I could give him something. He seemed melancholy, clingy and wanted to know everything going on in my life. On Friday he was cold and distant. On Saturday I went to give him the remainder of his belongings back that he'd had at my place. We chatted like old times and eventually went and got a pizza together.
    When I left I told him that he didn't seem to know what he wanted so I would give him some space, and he said thanks he appreciated that. I said I didnt want to get back together - not to how it was, it would be different, he needs more space and to be himself again.
    On both days he hugged me a few times and kissed me on the lips, but just a peck. He held back anything more.
    I had to email him a link to our photos on the internet. He has since said that he felt our time together was for the "vast majority of it" great, very positive, so special, etc etc.
    This guy was a good guy, Ive kissed many frogs, and all I want to do is get him back. Im working on the issues he raised with me. But I fear he is searching for perfection.

    Reply
  • Amanda

    My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago out of nowhere after being together for a year and a half because he couldn't handle the little fights we got in. He still tells me he loves me, misses me, doesn't want to learn how to live without me and doesn't want me to find anyone else but he understands if I do. When he broke up with me he kept telling me he wasn't even confident in his decision. I told him we needed to stop talking and he wants to know why. He said we shouldn't cut each other out of our lives completely. Is there a chance for us? Is he confused? Please help.

    Reply
  • sharon

    Hi Kevin, I am having big dramas with my partner and don't know what to do. We have been together nearly 17 years. He recently met a girl he really liked and started an affair. Problem is we get along really well, are best of friends and still have a great love life. He said he was bored with life and nearing 40 having a mid life crisis. I told him he should leave, get it out of his system and when he's done, come home and we'll see how I feel.
    The problem with this is that our lives are so enmeshed, it's impossible for him to stay away. He turns up home for some reason to see me everyday. We end up fighting then he goes home to be with her. This situation is just getting more confusing by the day. He can't seem to walk away from her or me. What to do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should walk away and make it easier for him. When he comes home, don't talk to him unless it's an important issue unrelated to your personal life and your relationship with him. If he wants to talk about it, tell him you need space and time and you don't think it's the right time to talk about it. Don't get intimate with him and keep your space.

      Reply
  • A

    Sorry - forgot to add in there we are both in our late 30's (

    Reply
  • A

    Kevin,
    We've been dating since Christmas 2013. He recently dumped me over a text, then added insult to injury by calling me and getting angry in the middle of conversation. I hung up on him then. He hasn't said a word to me since then aside from a week later sending yet another text telling me to drop his stuff off at his house because he was out of town and he'd left my stuff outside for me to pick up. I responded to him that he could call me when he got back into town and I would meet him to exchange our things. Some of this stuff isn't cheap and leaving it outside was retarded to consider. Never responded to my text and still hasn't.
    We both had introduced each other to the other's parents, family dinners, our kids knew each other and us, our friends knew us and we'd introduced each other to our not mutual friends.
    In his break up text "babe, i love you very much. always have I guess...." and to end it? "but right now i need time, i need to take a break".
    What is That?! And since then he's deleted and blocked me from fb as well. This all literally came out of the blue. Not a clue.
    Any Ideas at All??

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      It's was a short relationship and there could be many reasons for him to breakup. The truth is, you don't know him well enough to understand the true reason for the breakup. At least not yet. If you want to pursue him, your best bet is to follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • A

      And after another 2 weeks of no contacting him like you suggested - out of the blue he text & our belongings were exchanged. Not a word since then. I'm still not contacting him as you said. Have applied the 5 step rule.

      Reply
  • binaya rijal

    Hi me and my girlfriend broke up about a weeks ago maybe more after being together for more than two years and I know what got her to think like that she just told me that she not ready for love and want to enjoy her life, also she is confused and doesn’t want nothing to do with me. What does that mean should I just move on and accept it for what it is or just wait and see what happen without contacting her.

    Reply
  • Ruch

    My ex broke up with me and we started emailing a bit to further the breakup discussion (just 2 emails exchanged so far, from each of us). He said I made some good points. The last email said he wanted to take a few days to process everything and he said he was confused about his emotions and thoughts, and that he would get back to me in a few days. Assuming he replies to just process the breakup some more (and not asking to try again), when he does reply in a few days, should I ignore this email for a month before replying?

    Reply
    • Ruch

      The other thing I forgot to mention is that when he broke up with me, he said it was due to him no longer feeling the spark and hadn't for the past few months. Other than this, everything between us was perfect (no conflict, very compatible, etc.). Do I even have a chance? We emailed back and forth because after he broke up with me, I wrote him a letter (I know, I broke the "no contact rule" but I didn't know about it yet) and he emailed me to reply (still sounding very final in that email), then I wrote him back telling him why I think we had problems in the "spark" department, then he emailed me back and said he would email me in a few days.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes. I think you should.

      Reply
    • Ruch

      thank you, Kevin. I got his email today and he basically said a bunch of things including that he really wants his independence and lots of time to himself (after a bad marriage which ended a few years ago), and so when we were together, even though I gave him a lot of space (and myself need a lot of space), he wasn't always present and missed his independent time. I guess coupled with not feeling that spark anymore, it didn't want to make him stay with me. Still think I have a chance? We were together 7 months, and he said he started feeling this way about 3 months in, but claims he hung around because he was trying to make it work. I am planning not to reply to his email until NC period.

      Reply
    • Ruch

      Sorry, Kevin.. the final question I have is whether you think one month is sufficient NC period for this, or should I do more?
      To be honest, his email made me feel angry because of so many reasons (one of which is that I think he is trying to fool both me and himself about the need for independence thing (we already gave each other plenty of space since we both have a need for space, and he also said that his previous ex was so independent that he often felt unwanted, which is part of why they broke up.. so what the hell??). I know him better than that! I think he genuinely believes it right now though). In some ways, I feel like I did not meet him at an ideal time in his life.
      Thank you for this site and the time you take to reply and help people - it is appreciated by all of us! I read your replies to others and that helps me too.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ruth,

      It's a good idea to not reply to that email at all. Even after no contact. When you contact him after no contact, then just use one of the methods in the 5 step plan. And I do think one month is enough. However, use the checklist at the beginning of step 4 in the 5 step plan before getting back in touch.

      Reply
    • Ruch

      thanks, kevin. it has been 3 weeks since our breakup and about 1.5 weeks since no contact (feels so much longer). i have been really doing good stuff with my life and jumping into life head first, keeping really busy and social. i feel good about myself, but i still miss him terribly. no contact is hard.. but gonna hold to it for another 2.5 weeks! thank you.

      Reply
    • Ruch

      p.s. forgot to mention I did reply but I kept it only 3 or so sentences and basically said thank you for your email, i have been doing a lot of self reflection and things are positive, and that i might want us to see if we can still be in each other's lives in some way (he mentioned tat in his email first), but that i needed time and space right now. he wrote back saying that i made his day (about wanting to stay in touch later) and to write if i felt it was a good time later.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you did the right thing. And I am pretty sure you will do great in the future as well.

      Reply
  • Soph

    Hey kevin,

    First off your emails are amazing and they seriously get me through every day.

    But I have some male behavior I need your help decoding.

    Me and my ex have been broken up for nearly a month now.
    I've been on NC for almost two weeks
    I noticed a few days ago that he was listening to a playlist he made for me during our relationship. it was a "love playlist"... and i was kinda of wondering why?
    I haven't done anything it seems for him to miss me....

    Why do you think he is listening to this and is it a good sign?
    Part of me is scared its about a different girl but idk

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Soph,

      I am glad the emails are helping. As for the playlist, it might be a good sign. But it's hard to tell since it's such a small thing. It could mean a lot of things. You shouldn't be obsessing over small things like this during no contact.

      Reply
  • Jen

    Hi Kevin, I am very glad to came across your website. I really need your guidance.

    My ex (29) and me (29) were in on and off relationship for three years. We broke up three times, literally once every year, each for different reason. Everytime I tried to move on after he dumped me, he always pulling me back. Please note that we were mostly lives in different cities, countries, or even continent during our relationship. Strangely enough, everytime he knew he already won me back, then he'll start to take me for granted again. Tired of this circle, last Thursday I've sent him an email stated that I am calling it off and letting him go. He agreed to it and suggested that we should stop contact altogether. He even happily blocked me from his whatsapp, he used the word "happily" when he told me this. I contacted him to tell him that I want to take my stuff from his place, he refused to give it back, using excuses that now I am still studying in different city and he could help to keep my stuff until I move back to our city and find new house.

    I really don't know what to do. He kept giving me mixed signals and because I still love him, it confused me a lot. Will the no contact rules works, if it has been applied two times in our last two break-ups (unconsciously applied, because that time I really want to move on). He seems doing very fine and maybe already indeed letting me go completely. But I still want him back, permanently.

    Thanks a lot for your advice. Really appreciate it!

    Reply
  • Fifi

    Hey Kevin,

    I met a guy through a group of mutual friends when I was on vacation last year in December. We decided to jump into a long distance relationship and the first two months were perfect. His close friend asked me to partner with him for a business venture, as I was pondering the decision, I asked my boyfriend for his blessing to partner with his friend and he told me that I should do as I please due to conflict of interest he could not give his opinion. I decided to join the business venture without telling my boyfriend the decision that I had made. My boyfriend later on found out from his friend my actions. He was disappointed and thought that I was not loyal to him and our relationship. I have been begging for forgiveness for the past two months and even bought a ticket to see him in South Africa in May.

    The past few weeks he has been acting strange and not communicating as we used to,. He felt justified in his actions since I betrayed him. I decided to pull the plug on the relationship as I was feeling neglected, I explained to him that I just wanted to be friends until we could find a way to make our relationship work. He lost hope in us because he said he could no longer trust me and with the distance all odds were against me.

    Deep down I know I love him and I have never felt for anybody the way that I feel for him. I begged him to give us a chance as well as to allow us to spend time together in May and he continues to deny all requests because he said he does not want to fall for me all over again. I decided to cancel my ticket to see him as well have no contact with him for at least 30 days. I want my relationship back but I am confused about two things, if trust is lost in a long distance is it worth trying to gain it back and is he even worth getting back to because of his unforgiving spirit.

    What do you think?
    I want my

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey fifi,

      I think you'll answer your last question during no contact. I think if you decide to get back together, it is possible to rebuild trust. But to be honest, I don't think you really betrayed him since you asked him before making the decision and he told you to do as you please. I don't think there is any betrayal. If there's something, it's lack of communication on his part.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi me and my girlfriend broke up about 2weeks ago maybe more after being together for a little over a month and I don't know what got her to think like that she just told me that she not ready for love and want to enjoy her life, also she is confused and doesn't want nothing to do with me. What does that mean should I just move on and accept it for what it is or just wait and see what happen without contacting her.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should just move on. I think she was being honest and pursuing her more will be a waste of time.

      Reply
    • Daniel

      It is what it is. It was a good run while it last. I wish it was fully explained to me what happen but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. Gotta move on now. Thanks

      Reply
  • maxwell

    Me and my ex broke up about a month and a half ago. She broke it off because she didn't feel that I really cared about her, which couldn't have been further from the truth I just have a bad way of expressing my feelings vocally. Plus an ex hook up of mine commented on a facebook post about a party we were both at with mutual friends which needless to say upset her, even though nothing was going on between us. We didn't talk for a week because I was mad and was on a vacation. I sent her flowers saying I missed her and wanted to work on things, she informed me that she really liked the flowers but didn't feel we should try to work things out. I stopped talking to her for 3 weeks, which is difficult to do considering we work together, and she was constantly going out of her way to walk past my desk (we work in different departments so I know it was on purpose). Out of no where she started texting me funny things over a weekend which I replied to with very short responses. That Monday morning she was waiting for me at my desk and we had a very nice conversation but nothing about us. She asked to me lunch but I told her I was busy. That wednesday I asked her to lunch we had a great time, we hung out once that weekend and had a great time. Then we went out for drinks and we were having an incredible time laughing and flirting, when I asked her what we were doing she seemed taken a back and said she wasn't sure if she wanted to work things out because she was afraid I would let her down or hurt again. I told her i don't think its a good idea for us to hang out then because I still have feelings for her. I don't know what to do because even after this shes still stopping by my desk to see me and still texting me funny little things. Sorry for the long post just very confused! Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Maxwell,

      I'll recommend you tell her that you need some space and time and apply no contact for another 2-3 weeks. After that get back in touch and continue the texting and hanging out. This time, don't ask her about getting back together so soon. Go out with her at least 4-5 times before asking her to get back together.

      Reply
  • z1

    hi Kevin .my ex and i broke up like a month ago . we're both overseas student in china from two diffrent country ,we were together 6 month and she will go back to her country 3 month later .during this one month i tried to win her back but each time i told her i miss her or i love her she keep saying we need time to be friend ,and she feels guilty and uncomfortable when i say i love her . she said she has no energy for relationship and want to be alone and casually meet her friends and enjoy her life . each time that i do something crazy deadly mistakes after 3 days i will go to appologize and she respond i'm ok .i wish u be normal again . but then i start to miss her and do crazy things again . i was a confident guy before i met her and during our 6 months relationship she always help me and be there for me . but after i lost my money in casino it realy hurts my confident ,then i got problem with my job and i start to be sad and wanted she be with me always to feel good then i start to complain about that she hangout with her freinds too much and she doesn't care about me .then one night we fought over this and i hit her which i appolegize milion times for it and 2 weeks after that she said that i should forget that night because she forgave me . but after chasing her and asking her for another chance and telling her how much i love her ,she get more mad at me until she deleted me from her messanger and wont reply my messages .she told me last time i'm helping you to forget me dont feel bad if i dont answer you .last time i made a mistake and aske her do you miss me ? and she said NOT AT ALL ,I DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT YOU . what should i do now ? do you think i have any chance to win her back ? i have only 3 month .

    Reply
  • K

    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks for all of your advice -- some great stuff here. I have a question maybe you can help me with.

    I was seeing this girl for a while. She used to badger to meet up, we would, she'd pull away, I'd pull away, she'd move back in. Repeat. Seemed to me like she was either i) unsure yet of the relationship ii) or playing attention seeking games. Anyways, I spoke to her about this (big mistake!) and she said that everything was fine, I shouldn't be insecure. She carried on, so I broke it off and eventually carried out a 'no contact period' of four months. She tried to get back into contact quite a few times, but I didn't reply -- I didn't want the hassle whilst I was finishing my studies.

    I then finished my PhD, and she initiated contact again. So I replied. She's kept a picture I took for her as her FB profile picture, and has told me she hopes it reminds me of good times we had together. She comments on my FB stuff, takes a while to respond to when I comment back, but still - I broke up with her and then didn't reply to her messages, so I kinda understand why she is hesitant there.

    So my question. I want to slowly begin hanging out together again. But, and here are the million dollar questions -- how? Do I take a similar amount of time to reply to her messages? Do I continue to reply to her attempts to contact me, but not initiate any of my own? As before she may have thought me 'needy', and then this is challenged when I break it off and don't contact her, what is the best step to move forward from her simply feeling bad that I didn't contact her, and then me making her feel special but without the 'control' aspect'?

    Thanks Kevin, keep up your good work.

    K

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Continue contact with her for a couple of weeks. Reply when she contacts you and try to have some fun conversations with her. Don't worry too much about reply time. As long as you don't show any neediness in your messages, it shouldn't matter. Ask her out after a couple of weeks of texting.

      Reply
  • Tina Howells

    Hi Kevin

    Well here goes
    I met mike 3 months ago
    Of a dating site
    He lives 3 hours away from me
    Which he said wasn't a problem as he don't mind the drive
    Anyway we got on great and he said the traveling was worth it to see me
    We saw each other every other wk end due to my work
    But the wk ends he was with out me he grew secretive
    And distant never heard from him hardly at all
    Which is ok I guess as be said he was with friends
    So as we were new and just met I let it go
    But 6 wks into this he asked me to be his girl
    I excepted so in my eyes we took it further to next level
    Things were good I even drive to him one wk end and he look after me fantasticly
    Anyway
    One one end it happened again him being serective
    Not even in general conversation when I ask how was your day?
    His reply fine thanks,
    End of
    Well we had a fall out as I said I wasn't happy about it
    Big mistake!
    He ended it, cut me right off
    I was devastated at this
    This was two wks ago
    I've stuck to the no contact
    And reading everything your saying
    But scared of his stubbornness
    That him getting untouched with me is a no no!
    Am I wasting my time?
    Tina

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you two had some serious communication problem or he was actually hiding something. Regardless, you do have a chance and I don't think you are wasting your time if you follow the no contact rule and do what it says in this article.

      Reply
  • Robert

    My girlfriend of eight months insisted on taking a "break" in January, then she broke up with me the end of February. We originally broke up due to my insecurity and jealousy. It was petty jealousies, but they added up over several months and made it so she didn't want to spend time with me. Basically, I pushed her away. I learned my insecurity is due to my divorce and my ex-wife's infidelity and losing my relationship with my children as I knew it. I was a very involved parent and very close to my children. Consequently, I have a subconscious fear of losing the person I'm in an intimate relationship with, which made me very insecure in this relationship. My ex is drop dead model gorgeous even at 50 years old. She's taken great care of herself. She's tall, beautiful, educated, smart and has a lot going for her.

    I know my insecurity is irrational and I have learned to identify the triggers and let go of the jealous feelings, having put them into perspective. I believe I have come a long way in conquering this issue since January and that I would be very different in a relationship with my ex now.

    The problem is, I have been texting my ex a lot and trying to convince her to try again basically since we first took a break. She began seeing another man sometime around our final break, but she insists it's not serious and that she won't get into anything serious "for a long time." I believe this person is a rebound. She also says she's not having sex until she gets married now, unless it's by chance with me. She has told me things like this has been very hard for her, she is thinking of me and she misses me and is sad. She also says she doesn't like the idea of me moving on, but knows it could happen. She doesn't know if I can be different and says "People don't typically change who they are. They may change some behaviors, but that takes effort and time." I think she still cares about me and wants to get back together, but she isn't sure I can be secure and confident enough to change my previous behavior.

    Of course, I know I can and I've been trying to convince her I can. We still text and it's pleasant for the most part. She won't meet with me and she won't talk on the phone. I do text her a lot more than she texts me.

    What can I do now that will increase my chances of getting her back? It's been nearly two and a half months and I finally feel she is slipping further away. Help!

    Robert

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Apply no contact. If she contacts you, tell her you need space and time. Then follow the 5 step plan. Stop trying to convince her you have changed or you can change. It's of no use. Instead, do no contact, and then get back in touch. Let her see for herself the changes you've made.

      Reply
  • Claire

    Hi Kelvin I need some advice from you but I'm afraid the information might be too lengthy to type over here is it fine that I can ask for yr email and ask you over email instead? Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can contact me using the contact form on the website. Please note it takes me longer to reply to emails than comments since I get A LOT of emails.

      Reply
  • jordan

    hello I have been doing no contact for 7 days now and my ex contacted me on Facebook hoping that i am doing well in my studies should i reply.

    Reply
  • Rachel

    Hey Kevin,

    I am a Lesbian and i was in a 7 month relationship with a woman. When we got together complete sparks flew. Nothing we both have ever felt before. Everything was perfect even with a long distance / we lived a hour and 40 minutes from each other. And with my current work schedule we would only see each other every other weekend , and sometimes for a night during the weekdays as well. During the past few months we have been fighting because she had caught me talking to an ex gf on Facebook. I had no intention on getting back with an EX , me talking was purely payback because the past ex gf had dumped me and kept begging me for a chance and i threw my new gf in her face. I know that was immature , however she was furious because of the fact that i Lied to her about even talking to her. She said she could not trust me . Later after 2 weeks we ended up talking and i told her i will make things up to her i loved her and i truly do. That had happened in january . It seemed like close to february we had been fighting a little bickering on and off nothing serious. But after valentines day 2 days later we had a huge blow out. Since then nothing has truly been the same in addition to her own other stress going on in life , she kept telling me i am adding more and do not need the added stress right now. So we did not see each other another 2.5 weeks then when we did she was cold / a little stand offish but we went for drinks and dinner and she told me she loved me still but the arguing cant go on like this. At the end of the night she just grabbed me and kissed me and we spent the night together. Then suddenly again she acted different for the most part of March. I seen her once and she acted different and said that we cant hook up anymore until things are right because its a distraction. And our relationship should be our focus. I planned a getaway for her birthday where i booked a hotel since her bday was in april we went at the end of March for 4 days. We ended up making out a little bit but that is it . She told me she loves me and everything, of course at the end of the trip we get into another argument because i felt she wasnt as affectionate as before. I know a lot of this seems that my emotions are heightened and i admit i did hurt her previously months before but its like that part bothers me. So when we get home from the trip and i am leaving she says to be how long do i think things will last like this? she also said she doesn't feel the same connection as she used to . I had went home upset we talked on the phone a day later i threw numerous insults at her because i was hurt and she did it back. I ended up apologizing the a day later ..she told me its typical of me and she doesn't need that apology. The truth is i am so hurt because she stopped talking to me like that because she thinks we fight ALL the time. She started talking to some other girl she known for years and had a past with but they were never a couple just friends. I started getting jelous as well. The last time she contacted me was 3 days ago and sent a picture of me and her which said "Picture Perfect but thats it". I am completely heartbroken and I am on day #2 of the NC rule. Do you think thinks will work out in time? She did tell me she still cares and has feelings for me the day i last left her house. But i think the stress and arguing is to much with her other issues she has going on and family problems. Please you advice would mean everything.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Rachel, if you haven't broken up officially, I'll recommend you keep no contact short. 1-2 weeks. And let her know beforehand that you think both of you need some space and time. Since the main problem you two have is the arguing, I'll recommend you work on your communication skills during this time. Read the book "Non- violent communications" by Marshall Rosenberg.

      Reply
    • Rachel

      Kevin , thanks so much for the response. I guess i did not directly tell you during the argument she had told me that she was Done with me and has been done with me , and realized this the past weekend we spent together for her birthday even more she did not feel the same around me. Although she told me she loves me and still cares also , I don't know if she is talking out of anger because we had a Fight or what not. During this month we have not been together, we have not been together since about february 17th. I know this is all short time periods. It seems we were supposed to be working on us and communication but emotions are so high we end up just arguing. This is why i decided maybe I should do the #NC thing. Is space for a few weeks the proper step at this point ? or should i go for the whole month. Your input is much appreciated.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      In that case, do it for a whole month.

      Reply
  • James

    Hi Kevin,
    So my Ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. She dated some guy for like a month, but they broke up. She then contacted me again through my sister in law and we started talking again. We have been talking for 3 months almost every day. I asked her out about 4 times throughout those months and she would ignore when I would ask and then the next day she would act talk to me acting like I didn't ask. She says she still loves me and says she's not ready to date yet. I have attempted no contact with her about 2 times, but has only lasted about a week when I would get a reaction out of her. It seemed to do something because it boosted her feelings for me more. We would learn more about each other about what we didn't know and she told me a secret she has not told anybody. We have talked about our past relationship a couple of times. We rarely meet up only like 3 times out of the 3 months. We would talk in person, only for a minimal amount of time. She only text me mostly throughout the days, never on the phone. She says she wants me in her life and says there is a reason why I am in her life etc. Though, the past 2 weeks she has not talked to me. I was the last one to initiate contact. Why is she being this way? Could I have done something wrong? I would feel so close to winning her back and be put right back at square 1. Please help..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      James, I think she might just be using for emotional support or trying to put you in the friendzone. I'll recommend you apply no contact for 2 weeks, get back in touch with her. Ask her out after a while. If she continues the same way, then you might need to give her an ultimatum. Either she gives you another chance, or you move on.

      Reply
  • SusanB

    hi Kevin -

    Just an update, per my earlier post, I emailed an ex I had not talked to in six months. He wrote back the next morning and we exchanged a bit of friendly banter, and he asked me if I was doing a public event soon (I'm a performer). I told him "no", nothing in the near future, and he said he was going out of town that night for a long weekend. I then mentioned (perhaps I was emboldened by his suggestion) I was going to a bar/restaurant in his town where we went once (he lives next town over) and jokingly said "I guess I won't see you there!" (since he would be out of state).

    He seemed semi-interested in seeing me (at least at a performance) but I'm not going to email him again. To me, that says he isn't interested in seeing "ME". I took the risk of "breaking the ice" after 6 months, and it seems pretty clear that if he wanted to follow up, he has a green light.

    Truthfully, I don't expect this. He's still very active on the online dating site. But I do feel a bit "lighter" that things are now on a friendly note although I may never hear from again. Then again, I'm not sure how I'll feel next week. ;-)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, I hope you will feel even better next week. I think you'll be finally able to close this chapter in your mind and move on.

      Reply
    • SusanB

      Kevin,
      I emailed my ex and suggested an outing. His reply was that he could not make it that night but suggested the following week might work. He provided details of the several reasons why he couldn't make it that following night, which seemed somewhat encouraging. I just don't know if I should continue to pursue him. He knows I'm interested and I feel continued pursuit by me could make him back away yet he did leave an opening….?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It seems he does want to meet up and doesn't want you to feel like he is rejecting you. That's why he went into details about why he couldn't make it. I think you should accept the suggestion and then have fun. After the meeting, give him some time to chase you.

      Reply
    • SusanB

      Thanks so much, Kevin. I did wait a few days to reply because he sounded busy AND I did not want to seem too eager….I replied yesterday, accepting the suggestion, and will see if he replies. And I will take your advice to let him chase me after the meeting…thanks again for your help! :-)

      Reply
    • SusanB

      Kevin, just an update. First, thanks so much for your advice and this site. I believe you gave me the courage to contact him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I suggested a meeting.

      At first he wasn't available but then he offered a time he was free and we met. After no contact for 6 months, it was like the slate was wiped clean. He kissed me when he arrived (on the cheek). He was literally beaming at me a few times with that "look" that only guys who are digging me have. His body language was also very open, he moved his chair so he could face me more directly. He confirmed he is still single (I did not ask) and alluded to taking a break from dating (altho I know he's still active on a dating site). Our conversation was effortless, fun, there was some mild flirtation.

      When we left and were standing outside, he was looking at me "that way" with a sly smile and said "so, this was fun, we'll hang out/do stuff" and gave me a big hug. He also offered to help me with something we talked about and later that night sent me an email saying it was great to see me, and with his detailed advice/instructions and offered additional help. I emailed back the next day and we traded a bunch of emails. This would most likely entail us being in touch again in the near future.

      So now I'm going to sit back and see what happens. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as he may just want to be "friends".

      Based on my story, what do you think?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Susan,

      I think it went pretty good and he might be interested in getting back together. But like you said, don't get your hopes up too much as there is always a chance that it won't work out.

      Reply
  • Nani

    This guy and I had been exclusively dating for almost 5 months. Things were going great, we talked about the future a lot and enjoyed getting to know each other. Its just that, whenever I brought up the topic of his ex's, he seemed to avoid it and not comfortable talking to me about it. This is the second time he "broke up with me" though we were dating, I considered it a sort of relationship even though he wasn't my boyfriend technically. I never met someone so caring as him. We been through a lot the past few months, as I got pregnant by him. I can tell he was stressed and did not sleep, always worrying about me and practically threatening the people at the hospital that if I didn't get medication for the pain I'm going through he would throw a fit or do something illegal. He missed weeks of work, couldn't even work from home, and was constantly finding ways for me to feel better. As I got the abortion, weeks later he told me he didn't want to see me before he left Hawaii and that I deserved better, he cannot provide what I deserve at the moment. He is not ready to commit, and that at my age (I'm 20) I need to start dating other people or else I will regret it for the rest of my life. I'm kind of shocked and saddened at the same time. I met his best friends, and even his parents know about me. It's almost a month that we have not seen each other or spoken, and I something just tells me he is afraid, possibly do to his past and the pregnancy.
    I am glad to say I do not feel devastated like I did the few first days after the "breakup". I am happy with my life, I don't need him to continue living on with my life but it would feel incomplete. And I just need closure. When he broke up with me, it was through text. Whenever we try to talk about something serious, he never seems to want to talk on the phone or in person. I'm just frustrated because I tried to shut him out of my head if the thought of him lingers, but he is now appearing in my sleep (I hardly dream). I just don't know what to do..

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Nani,

      I think you are just looking for a meeting from him just to get closure. You feel if you can just to him about the relationship and what happened, you will be able to put it all behind you and move on. But in reality, no talk from him is going to give you the closure. In fact, talking to him about what happened is only going to put more thoughts in your head about him. Just give it some time. Don't try to suppress the thoughts about him. Let it come and acknowledge them and learn to let them go. If you try to stop the thoughts, they will somehow come back again (like in your dreams).

      Reply
  • Wendi

    Hi Kelvin,

    I'm 25 and he's 30. When we got together he was already married for 2 years. We were together for a year and a half. Everything was well untill he accidentally got his wife pregnant back in September last year. Then he finally realize who he wanted to spend his life with which is me.. So he seek a lawyer for procedure of divorce and even churn out the documents of the assets for the lawyer to access. But when he broke the news of pregnancy to me I was lost and scared. He tried to convince me to stay with him but I'm not very sure how much can I trust him on this. At that down time, I had a guy friend which I was very close with who was always there for me, I then started lying about my whereabout to my boyfriend and he eventually found out and felt that I cheated on him. I decided to cut contact with the guy bcos I know my boyfriend was e person I really want to be with. But From that point onwards, he had trust issues with me which he kept to himself for 2 months. He feels secure with me but when we are not together, he went paranoid and thinking whatever I'm telling him is a lie. Slowly he find himself unable to trust me with whatever I say when I'm not physically with him.

    He decided to give up the relationship 3 weeks ago. I tried whatever I can but he just can't see himself with me anymore. Ever since the breakup, we are still in contact via whatsapp and also meet up at least twice a week. I asked if he still loves me. He said he does but that doesn't mean he wants to get back together again. I really want to be with Him And we've worked so hard for it. But it just had to end due to the mistakes I've made . What should I Do to get him back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should follow the 5 step plan. Let him know you need time and space before starting no contact.

      Reply
    • Wendi Quak

      Hi kelvin, thank you for the reply.

      Will leaving 30 days no contact rule give him space to build things with his wife?
      As they are still staying together n baby is due in June.though he mentioned to me he just want to focus on getting his life back to track.. His work n the delivery of the baby.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's a risk. But I think you should take it. Like you said, you've tried whatever you can, so you don't have any other option. If you tell him you need some space and time and you will contact him after a while, he will be looking forward to you getting back in touch and it will reduce the risk of him building things with his wife. But there will always be a risk even if you stay in touch with him.

      Reply
  • Ryan

    Hey,

    My girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago, and during that month were apart I have violated maybe 3 out 5 of of the 5 step plan, now she blocked me on her phone she's dating some other guy. I started the NC about 2 days ago. What now?

    Reply
  • Jonathan

    I texted my ex happy birthday (and an inside joke reference) after 2 months of NC. She replied with a neutral text - what now? She also started seeing a new guy.

    Reply
  • Liro

    First of all, thank you for such a wonderful tool that you created, it gives me a sense of perspective in life in this difficult moment. Based on the book I am at death's door. To make my story short I was in a 9 year relationship with my girl friend started dating when we were teenagers and now in our late 20s. I am in a difficult situation right now because I have broken a promise to her. During the 9 years of our relationship, we already broke up (2nd year of our relationship) because I accidentally hit her due to her serious jealousy. We broke up for 2 weeks (that was the worse time of my life) and then get back with each other. At that time I promised to her and to God that I will never hit her again. Time has passed and I graduated with my own career and started a new job and was about to propose to her this summer. On March 29th, 2014 (now on our 9th year), we went to club with my workmates. One of my workmates asked me to pushed him to dance with another friend. I did it for fun while dancing in the club. I was stupid that I told my girlfriend that I felt so bad after doing that. My girlfriend got mad at me since she hates the fact that the my guy friend already had a girl friend and told me why I care so much about the the girl. I was such an asshole. We had an argument in the club and because both of us were drunk, she was nagging me too much and I again accidentally slap her face. I felt so bad. I knew I did a mistake. We already had a talk, and it was a bad talk she decided to end the relationship while I was begging to win her back and I will change. Now the tool seems to make my healing a little better although there are times that I want to contact her again. I am just wondering about the magic letter. How do I tailor my writing for the magic letter since she is really scared of me know and she said she lost all the love for me after I hit her. She also said that I broke my promise to her before and now her family especially her mom cursed me to death. I know I'm on a big mess. I need her in my life, we were close to getting married. I am healing myself too, and attending anger management session. I also want to ask, when do you think is the time frame to send the magic letter? I know she is going in another direction now and she is indifferent as evident by blocking me in facebook, not answering to my texts, and having her mom cursed me. Would you help me how to do this? Also her mom is messaging me and I keep on replying to her mom to explain my side. The hardest part is I lose my soon to be wife.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Liro,

      I think you should wait a month. I don't think she is indifferent, she is just angry. You have a pretty good chance, in my opinion. Although, everything depends on whether or not she can forgive you this time.

      Reply
  • J Nguyen

    I and her met last Thursday and I was the one who asked for her number. Then we hanged out the next day and showed great interest in each other. We went out all the following days since then until yesterday April 1, while we were texting she made a joke of breaking up and she got me panic! But we still went out on that day and in the evening when we were texting this time I made a joke of breaking up but this time she said she wants to break up seriously! She said I'm too serious and she's not good enough and it's just been a few days but I said my feeling for her is very real that those days mean alot to me! She completely avoided me the next day and eventually told me that she doesn't like me anymore! Me and her had completely true feelings for each other and I know it's not that easy for her to make such decision but she's just giving me excuses to break up! It's all of a sudden like I was in heaven yesterday and now.. I'm in hell! How do you think I should act?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Ignore her for a month and then contact again. You don't have true feelings for each other. You barely even know each other.

      Reply
  • Ivan

    Hi

    I started the no contact period. It's been 1 week and my ex contacted me saying "Hey u, how r u? How's things with the band, ur car, the process of getting ur pilot license and your family? I've been wanting to msg u but I felt like it was to soon. I still really want to be friends but I understand if u don't want to. I hope your well, don't feel as though u have to reply, I'll understand why (Rhyme not intended)" what do I do? Should I reply? If I should then what should I say?

    She broke up with me by the way, (for the 2nd time).

    Reply
  • sharon

    Hey so um my boyfriend an i have been on and off for over 3 years each time we break up after a month we get back together. This last time he broke up with me he said its because he has alot on his plate and was not happy. He still wants me in his life he said he still cares and he doesnt know about a future for us. Then he saids in about a year we will see where we are at. He has said so many things like he wants to chase me again he liked that. He will say nice things thst give me hope but ifi keep pushing obviously he will get upset. I really want him no other man is appealing to me ive always seen a future with him i dont know what to do i wanna try this planbut because of the on and off history i feel like i have no chance at all. Everyone i know saids forget him and move on.what do you think? Do i have a shot ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You do have a shot, but keep no contact for at least 2-3 months. And figure out what goes wrong in your relationship that always makes it on and off. Get back with him only if you are sure it will work out this time.

      Reply
  • T

    My bf and I broke up more than a week ago after a 1 yr relationship. He is very insecure in the inside, although he seems so confident and outgoing on the outside. Ever since I opened up the possibility of me moving. Arguments after arguments started occurring. Also, because of these arguments it finally took its tole on the trust in the relationship and with his insecurities the relationship just sank. Is there any possibilities to make things work? We get on so well but because of broken down communication the issues were not addressed and sorted appropriate.

    Reply
  • Alyssa

    My ex of more than 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We've been a sort of long distance relationship the whole time but made it work and saw eachother every week and went on trips frequently. We were happy and in love. He's a great genuine guy to everyone he meets.Everything was great as far as I knew. Minus the problems that came from being away from eachother. So he told me that it simply wasn't our time, that there was just no light at the end of the tunnel, that he still loves me and cares about me. But needed his space and didn't wanna be with me because he wasn't content? I begged and cried of course for the last three weeks and nothing. Doesn't even seen like he's bothered but will check up on me to see if I'm okay. I just can't match up how our love was and te man I thought he was to what he's doing now. I thought that if you really loved someone distance or whatever else didn't matter. Do I still have a chance? Trying the 30 day no contact now. Will he wanna get back together with me? What do I do.

    Reply
  • Alexis

    me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago after 10 months. we had such a great relationship and eventually he told me he started to feel like he couldn't make me happy and was letting me down because of how busy he was getting. i know our love was genuine and he didn't want to hurt me. but he did of course.. because i was upset he felt the need to break up. i think it got to be too much for him. after we broke up about 2 weeks after he called me and he missed me. we had been in contact until yesterday. i had to stop conversation because it was getting too hard since he still didn't want to be in a relationship and i did, so i did whats best for me. he shows that he cares by his emotions and anger and is pushing and pulling. we always had a very close relationship, i think it is still there. do we just need time away from each other for a while? i will stop all conversation and see what happens. i still have feelings and love for him... what do you think?

    Reply
  • SusanB

    Dated a guy briefly that I met online, we are late 40's/early 50's...we really hit it off but he stopped contact after 5 dates. I was disappointed and let him got but then I contacted him two months later and he responded right away, we started up again. I hate to admit that I was mostly the pursuer for the next few months. Long story but I kind of gave up and a month after our last contact, he emailed me inviting me to something the next night. Since I hadn't talked to him in a month, it seemed like he was just looking for a warm body to accompany him. I also did not want to appear too eager so I waited until the next day to respond.

    When I responded he said he had been checking his email/phone until late that night and when he did not hear from me, he had asked someone else to go. He said we'd have to try for another time. I just never responded to that. That was the last time I heard from him.

    I have tried dating other people but haven't met anyone and think about him daily. Our last physical contact was 8 months ago, and our last contact was 5 months ago. I was thinking of dropping him a casual email but I'm afraid it will set me back if he doesn't suggest seeing me. What do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should contact him. Don't suggest meeting him straight away. Just text him casually first to test the waters.

      Reply
    • SusanB

      Thanks Kevin,
      Funny, you're the only one who thinks I should contact him. Most people who know me say that if the cared he would never let me get away. He would never let 5 -8 months go by without checking in so he could make sure no other man would get me. This is why I haven't contacted him. Because I was the one pursuing him before, and when I put him to the test (by not replying to an email where he quickly replaced me with someone else) he went AWOL.

      I think I posted here because you'd give me "permission" to write to him. ;-) I had a feeling you'd suggest contacting him. I still obviously have feelings for him so I'm worried that by contacting him after all that time, I'll have a set back in "getting over him". Yet obviously, I WANT to take this risk, even though it may not be in my best interest. Ya know? What do you think. Thanks again…!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well Susan, if you are on this website, I assumed you are not over him. Contacting him and trying to get him back one more time might just be the closure you need to get over him. So why not go for it? You don't really have anything to lose.

      Reply
    • SusanB

      Thanks Kevin. I just sent him an email, after no contact for 6 months. I realized that I'm giving him way too much power over me and there is nothing wrong with dropping him a friendly line. Yeah, some icky stuff went down but it was so long ago….I want to open up a friendly line of communication. We'll see if he responds…either way, I feel quite relaxed. I did what I wanted to do, because I'm an adult and it's allowed! Truthfully, I feel relieved. I have been fighting this urge for a long time.

      And seriously, as you pointed out, what is the worse thing that could happen? The worse thing is that he doesn't respond - at all. But even that can't really hurt me at this point, I don't think anyway! As long as I don't give him THAT kind of power over me. Thanks….

      Reply
  • Peter

    Hi. I've been on many different sites , talk to friends and family but your sites and the advice you give to people are the only ones I have found true and helpful. Reading some of your replies have even made me stronger.
    Iv been with my ex for 2 years we moved in together acouple of months ago. She has always been supportive and there for me even though I at times acted like an asahole. She came in to my life a week before I ended it with my girlfriend for 10 years. I was dealing with the fact that I wanted to be single and live my life. She put up with a lot of shit.

    She finally got enough , called it quits and I moved out we talked and med up but it always ended in her saying that she loves me but she can't be with me she doesn't see any future with me. That when I stop by she feels happy and it's like we never broke up but as soon as I leave she starts to think about all the shit I've put her trough.
    I tried no contact for a couple of days and she texted me and when I didn't reply she called. We talked casually. The next day she didn't call or anything the day after that I panicked started crying cuddent breathe so I went over to her she was very happy. We have been seeing eachother every day. I have been showing her that I'm willing to change not for her but for me so I never make the same mistakes again . Ahe has really felt it and I feel the change in me in my heart to . It's not at all to get her back.

    But she is much colder and I get mixed feelings from her. I went out with my sister and her friends and then told her about it. She later texted me about it saying that she dozens want to hear who I go out with etc anymore. She says stuff like if we ever get back together it doesn't matter what her family thinks etc . That makes me think I have a shot but then she does says or acts like there is absolutely no possibility. I think she used to like the fact I was in charge and kind of hard to get. But then got tired of it and wanted me to be all about her . And I am but how do i do it with out being needy. We broke about five weeks ago and have been hanging out every day almost for the past to weeks but I'm not seeing any sign that she definitely wants to get back together . She also told me that when I broke up with her one time she didn't everything to get me back. She was in my face all the time to proves she loved me . But that was for a week this is 5 weeks and iv been trying everything. Should I do no contact?
    I regret not putting her first and I think maybe that's was the problem and that's what I should do now, but how will I do that with out looking needy and desperate .becouse I'm not I just want to show her I love her and she comes before anything be the man I should have been that she believed I could be at one point.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Tell her that all of this is too much for you to handle emotionally and you need some space and time. then start no contact.

      Reply
  • Marquiesa

    I broke up with my boyfriend after 5 months. I'm 23 he's 26 He started to work more and more and didn't have time to see me. Barely text/call also. He apologized and said he didn't want us to break up, but it was for the best because of his busy schedule. I texted and called like crazy for the first couple of months and he would ignore me. Although he brought me cold medicine at my work 2months after our break up and kissed me unexpectedly. So I think he still has feelings for me but still has his guard up. 7 months later..I text him the other day and he told me that he wants to come by soon and see my new apt. I didn't even mention it. The thing is I want to regain some power. He knows I'm losing weight for a business trip soon. Which I'm sure will excite him. So my question is.. Is it to late to start the 30 days of no contact? Also when he does come over what do I do if I receive another unexpected kiss?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      No contact is a pretty good way to regain the power. I'll say back off. Tell him, it confuses you and you don't want to get physical with him unless you are in a relationship and/or dating.

      Reply
  • C

    My BF said we needed to take a step back and he needs some space. He has a lot going on and is unsure what he wants in life. He is currently getting a new job that pays less, and his roommate is moving out soon, and he is on call also for a different job. I am currently very busy with school. He said it wasn't fair that he was stringing me along when he didn't know what he wanted. I feel like I was too needy and I pushed him away, I always wanted to hang out or do something. So we texted and I asked if he cared for me and he said and he said yea of course, then I said if he wants to try again we could. He said lets see how things are after I get settled. So I pretty much said goodbye then he said lets keep talking. So I asked straight out if there was a chance of us in the future and he said he didn't know that's why he wanted the break. Then I said if you wanna say no you can, then he said youre pissing me off lol. so we stopped texting. three days later he text me asking how I was, and I responded but with short messages and not right away. then the next day he text me at night asking if I was awake. I said yeah im with friends. he said oh I see. I said yeah whats up? he said its late, you are usually sleeping by now. I said I don't have school tomorrow, he said oh. then I asked whats up? (cause why would he text me this late when I would normally be sleeping?) he said he just wanted to say hi. so I said hi :) then he said lol. three days later I asked if he was done working nights and he said I hope. now I haven't heard from him in about a week. I know i shouldn't have text him first, but now i am not gonna text him first. what do you think all this means? Think there is any chance for us?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, there is a chance for you. He was simply missing you and wanted to talk to you. It's very common after a breakup. Follow the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • c

      So one night I was drinking and I text him. I asked if there was really any chance of us in the future because he has to have some idea. He said Yes I think there is, then a few :) I am now giving him some space and am gonna wait a few weeks to see how it goes.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      All the best.

      Reply
    • C

      So he contacted me. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. He said he was thankful for the space and it made him realize what he had. So we met at his place and hung out for a little bit. He sat on the couch first so I sat about a foot away, he then moved closer and put his arm around me. and we talked and joked around like we use to. I didn't bring up the topic of us and how things are and what happened. He did say he missed me several times and when I left he hugged me and kissed me good bye and said have a good week. He usually now texts me every night. How should I go about with this? I am still really busy with school and graduate in less then 4 weeks. I got really focused on school when he needed the space and I did really well and want to keep doing well, but I don't want to loose him. Should I just take it one day at a time? I also notice now that he responds fast to my tests then he use too. And how to I address the subject of what we are to each other now?

      Thanks

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't bring up the topic of defining the relationship. At least not for a while. Let him chase you and concentrate on your school. Continue like this for a while. Let it be his idea to get back together.

      Reply
  • KATHY

    what if my bf left 2 weeks ago, but is having serious neck surgery in 2 weeks. should i go to see him at the hospital or not?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't think it's a good idea. If he wants you to be there, he'll call you. Otherwise, it'll look needy on your part. If you're worried, you can send him a good luck text before surgery and ask him how it went after it.

      Reply
  • Olga

    My boyfriend broke up with me after almost two years. He has had a lot of stress about his sick dad that has diabetes . He says that he loves me but we are better off without each other taking care of ourselves , he does not want to waste anymore of my time, bc I am ready for a family and to be settled. We did not speak for a week and a half and I decided to call him, while he was at work. He answered my third call and we met up. I can see he is stressed out . We decided to be friends and he told me please understand me I am just not ready to settle because he feels the need to take care of his parents. I know in my heart he loves me. I have a lot of things to work on myself and find my happy place again. I asked him if he would be happy to see me with another man and he said no. So for the past couple of days I text him good morning have a nice day and he replied quickly with a you too. So today I stumbled upon your article and I text him and said that I am leaving for a month to clear my head and find my happy place. And I received no text back. I'm worried that I did the wrong thing. Help!? I really want to do this 30 day thing. Do you think we have a chance to start fresh and get him to fall in love with me like he did in the beginning?

    Reply
  • Lars

    My ex broke up with me about a week ago. She said she didn't want to talk to me for a while because she was tired of my behavior. She has given me several chances to figure out what caused my behavior and learn from it. I was not able to do so. In general I agree with her. I'm tired of my own behavior. However, I think I dealt with it the wrong way. I was hoping for her to help me when I actually had to deal with this by myself. So no contact is not the worst that could happen to me right now. I want to contact her again when I feel like I can but I don't know what not talking to each other for a while means. It's very important to me to respect her demand for space. Before I did not and I think I would lose even more credibility, if I did so. When should I contact her again?

    Reply
  • R

    Hi!

    I'm confuse about my situation, I don't know which road to go to....

    He's turning 24, I'm turning 23; together for four years.
    When he broke up with me, I've found out that he had developed an interest in his colleague (now ex-colleague since he has started his new career for two months now) two months before the end of our relationship. He said with her everything is fresh, no fighting no nothing and he likes that. I started to pull myself up and improve myself about 5 days after break up. Did NC immediately after break up for two weeks but broke it after being influenced by a relative and got back in contact for a week. During the week, he seemed happy to hear from me and we met once. Said he was still sexually attracted to me, so....things happened but no sex. Our emotions then got the better of us, he couldn't make a decision of me or her. Said before part of him wanted to try again on a clean slate but he's afraid the same things will happened since I said things would be different after the first two times he asked for a break up. Cried while hugging me and telling me he still loves me etc. I got panic attack and started acting crazy. Long story short, he told me we wouldn't be talking or meeting anymore cos I said I couldn't be his friend knowing I want something more. So then I decided to cut communication (I didn't see it as NC cos he clearly said no talking/meeting anymore, I guess I took that as forever), forgave myself for losing control that one night. Things got better for me during that period cos I focused on myself solely, did everything I could to improve on areas that needed improvement. I accepted what had happened, and I forgave all three parties involved. Me, him and her. Pain does change people, and I guess it changed me. About two weeks later, he came back. First two texts already implying he was thinking about me, and he asked me out. Then on, he has been initiating contacts daily. Weeks later, the good morning and good night wishes started to become constant instead of the usual random texts in the evening. I was in control, didn't seem eager nor did I seem desperate. I only agreed to meet him after he asked for the fourth time. Ever since that, he has been asking me to meet him at least once or twice a week (his weekdays are spent in camp, only his weekends spare available) for gym, or dinner with his family....etc. I asked why did he come back he said I was his best friend and I was always there for him when it felt like his world is crumbling and he didn't know who else to turn to. He slipped when he told me he's still dependent on me. Asked if he's talking to me as a friend or if he thinks we could be something more in future, he said "I guess as a friend." I didn't acknowledge that and texted him like normal the next day.

    I know he's still seeing the other girl (whom I assumed is a rebound he got lined up before we broke up?). He doesn't talk at all about her. Until the previous day that we met. I found out he didn't ask her to be his gf, but just sorta assume they are together. Started exchanging iloveyous too. But from scale 1 - 10 of how much he loves her (10 being a lot), he rated her a 5 going to 6. As for me, he didn't want to rate at first cos I'm not even on the list but then he said "You've always been in my heart, you're a 10." Said he's still attracted to me, got jealous when he asked about my dating lives and I answered his questions, said I set the bar to high the girl doesn't even come close, he's always searching for me in her but couldn't find me, couldn't get the quality of love he felt from me from her, certain things he did to me previously that hurt me are happening to him as she is doing it to him, still hasn't forgiven himself for hurting me, and sexual things happened one more time but no sex. And he has been a whole lot nicer to me as compared to how he treated me two years towards the end of our relationship. He still cares about me, a lot. And deep in my heart, I know he still loves me.

    What do you think I should do from here? Thanks in advance, if this is too long and you cannot approve this....could you email me? :)

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Continue staying in touch with him for a couple of months. Keep meeting him and having a great time. But don't be needy and don't sleep with him unless he breaks up with that girl. If after a couple of months nothing changes, give him an ultimatum. Either he gets back together or you move on.

      Reply
    • R

      Last Friday we went for a movie (I invited him to it in the spur of the moment, didn't realize it sounded like I was asking him out on a date until it was pointed out by others). Long story short, he cares a lot about me, he initiated emotional romantic talks which I tried not to get into again after the previous time, found ways to touch me somehow kissed me a few times but before it could lead to a full make out session or anything sexual I said things to make him leave like it was getting late and such. The next day I spent it at a wedding ceremony with him and his family which he invited me to, and today (Sunday), he spent it at another wedding ceremony with the rebound girl since it was their mutual friend's (they used to work together until my ex quitted) wedding.

      Does it seem like he wants his cake and eat it too?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes it does.

      Reply
  • Trent

    What do you do if your ex is someone you work with? Im fully committed to the plan, but unfortunately I bump into her 3-4 times a day.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Treat her like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. No personal talk. No conversation for more than 5 minutes. Only talk if it's absolutely necessary.

      Reply
  • rob smith

    I think my ex girlfriend might be doing this with me. I had control of the relationship and then it suddenly changed. She was needy, and it is true, being needy and desperate sounding does become repulsive.
    lol This does work, because now she has me thinking I should have done more with her..
    We have a son too, the was the main reason for being with her, she fell pregnant early in the relationship and i left it to her to decide if she wanted to keep the baby or not, I felt bad I got her pregnant and felt it was my bed and should have to lie in it.
    I felt trapped too actually... anyway, I think she is trying to do this, she says i can use Skype only to speak to my son, but sometimes she speaks to me on skype alone, she says other things too, a few things mentioned in the "sneaky ways to tell if your ex still loves you" section in here.
    She keeps saying she is "putting her foot down" with me. Not sure what there is to put her foot down on, if we are not together though? She has me confused. Unsure how I am supposed to do 30 days of no contact with her when I have a son I have to see on Skype and soon I have to move back to the country where she lives and visit him. :/
    lol The part where it says "If you ran out of Heroin, would you move to another country?" is kind of weird...I love my baby son, he makes me feel good, so yeah...i guess i would. lol Not so easy with kids involved eh? Reading these help alot though, thanks for posting.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Rob,

      I am glad the article helped. Well, the heroin analogy was meant for your ex, not your children. If you can do anything to stay with your child and give them a better future, then you should do it. Anyways, I guess you are already applying no contact. If you only speak to your ex about your son and don't have any personal conversation with her, then it's considered no contact.

      Reply
  • Lili

    What if both of us agreed to avoid each other?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Then you should avoid each other for a while and then contact your ex after that. After around 30 days of avoiding.

      Reply
    • rakesh

      Few questions (happening with me)
      1. What if the she starts dating a friend (who she knews has a crush on him and makes her feel special all the time)?
      2. Later when i tell her that we should start our friendship from the scratch, she is like ya we can do that but after 2-3 months because anything happening in her life would affect me.

      I wanted to be on NC for a month or so. But i think i have screwd it up by saying we should be friends (after 2-3 months).
      What do i do ?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Start no contact for 2-3 months and then contact her after that. There is always a chance she will start dating someone else. If you try to stop her, it's only going to make her want to do it more.

      Reply
    • rakesh

      Thanks for that super quick reply :)

      Ya i should do that. I did the initial mistakes (crying begging pleading) on 3 occasions . She told me we are still friends but i said a NO , we can be friends but in future for which she suggested 2-3 months.
      Hopefully things cool off at the end of NC. Meanwhile i have joined a gym , shifted to a new place with a friend .
      But i am not sure if NC will work or not . If the negative things comes in her system , it stays there for a long long time . And now she is focussing only on the negative aspects of the relationship using a microscope. She has new sets of friends , who are there to prove that "good that you broke up" and 1 of the guy in her group likes her , and proposed her after he came to know about our breakup.Obviously she said a 'No' , but i am scared about this 2-3 months Kevin . He is constanly in touch with her 24*7 and makes her feel good all the time. I could have handled it if it was just a breakup, but this twist in this sad story has confused me. I am in NC for last 10 days. An i am kind of desperate to see her (we work in the same organization). Help me Kevin .
      Thanks in advance.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Well, I think she will eventually stop concentrating on the negative. If you want, you can reduce no contact for one month (or three weeks). And then establish friendship with her after that.

      Reply
  • Bee

    I broke up with my boyfriend about a year and a half ago bc he gave me all of himself and it scared me. I felt like I had to make him happy, and part of that is just my personality, so I was suffocated by the dynamics of our relationship and I ended it after 3 months. He did all the "don'ts" on your list and, like you said, it just pushed me away even more. I haven't been able to move on despite my best efforts. I tried to be his friend 3 times bc we are in a class together (I'm in 12th grade) but I just realize I really like him. Then, I reacently forced a kiss on him (I know, what was I thinking) and he pushed me away and so I ran. We text later so I thought it was ok, so the next day I try again, and he completely rejects me, telling me he's confused and he feels like when we first got together: like he has no idea how to handle his feelings. There was much more drama, but that's the jist of it. I told him we can try to be friends, but I honestly don't know. Should I just do the 5 step
    Plan? I ask bc he'll think I'm ignoring him bc we talked about what we did while we were broken up and when I'd feel anxious, I'd tell him we should just go back to ignoring each other, and he said he doesn't want that, but doesn't, think a relationship is good either. I agreed with him, but after being pushed away, I realize I'm very willing to be part of a relationship. We still have that one class together, so how does that fit with the "no contact"? I'm totally willing to do what ever I need to create a happy, healthy relationship.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Bee,

      Follow the 5 step plan. Don't talk about anything personal whenever you meet him. Treat him like an acquaintance during no contact.

      Reply
  • Aaron Knight

    My ex of 3.5 years left me unexpectedly in January this year. It's been 2 months now. The thing is that I don't blame her for wanting to leave. I was in a pretty dark place and a lot of my misplaced anger and frustrations were taken out on her in a verbal manner. I had no idea that I was hurting us in such a way because she acted like everything was fine and normal until about a week before she was out the door. She said she would never date me again and we are "unhealthy". A week later she tells me she likes someone she just met and has been in a relationship with him for a little over a month now. She still stays in contact with me. (even though i keep nc) under the impression she "wants to be friends" and has "friendly feelings for me. I love this girl and was ready to make some pretty deep commitments with her. I never ever expected her to do something like this. Or lie to me for so long telling me im perfect when clearly I was anything but. I want her in my life. The last few months I've been doing stuff for me to improve myself. Cut down on smoking almost altogether. I eat healthy 3 square meals a day. I work out and exercise now. Jogging. Getting back into my music. Violin and guitar. Which I've neglected for so long. Working on bettering myself. Making me the best me I can. Im just confused and getting mixed signals like mad. I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to wait around for her to just dump the rebound dude. I'm not an option. I'm an adult (24 m) she is 22(f) im looking for an adult relationship. I thought her leaving me was a sign of her maturity. But with all thats happened. Im unsure of how to proceed. I want her in my life. I don't need her. How do I prove this to her? I've proven to myself.

    Reply
  • Ali

    Hey Kevin, your website has helped me so much, my boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and I feel like I have died on the inside. He ended it after 2 years as he said he loved me and I was his best friend, but he wasn't 'inlove' with me, he also felt like we were too young (I'm 19 he's 20) to be this 'settled/comfortable' in a relationship, we ended on good terms but we have spoken twice since we broke up- on the day it happened (I stupidly called him while I was drunk clubbing with friends that night) and then I messaged him the day after apologizing for being a mess the night before and to thank him for giving me such a beautiful first love etc, anyway, my question is- my boyfriend essentially is the one who suggested no talking for atleast a month, which I agreed to, but i was wondering do I still treat the no contact period the same? For example, should I be the first one to make contact or should I wait for him? We ended on good terms and I don't want to mess that up an ruin any future chance on us having a relationship- he said he know's we'll be friends in the future and he even said never say never and there's always a chance we could happen again, But I'm trying not to let myself have any expectations about the future as I know it will make getting over him that much harder, thanks for listening

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you treat no contact the same. Ideally, you want them contacting you, but there is no harm in you making contact first.

      Reply
  • Melissa Armenta

    Hello
    So about 3 weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up. We ended breaking up because he wasn't sure of his feelings towards me any longer. He deactivated any source of contact for 2 weeks and on the 3week I was able to contact him. We spent a while on the phone but he stated that he didn't love me anymore like he used to, I didn't believe it though since he always tries a way to not hurt me and make things easier in his mind by letting go. But afterwards he then claimed he just went back in a relationship with a new girl, I've tried everything to win him over but he just refuses everything as if he never cared he tells me to move on, but its hard when he was also my bestfriend. Its very hard especially since he's a guy that falls into depression a lot and his mind speaks for him. But I dont know what to do anymore.

    Reply
  • Jenni

    Hi,

    I've found your article really useful thank you. My boyfriend of over 2years broke up with me 3 days ago. He is under tremendous pressure at work and suffers from bad mood swings. When things are good he is incredibly loving, caring & affectionate but about once a month he is prone to 'stonewalling' me and can get very grumpy and mean.
    He said he had planned to propose before Christmas but had not found the right opportunity, this year however he hadn't felt as certain and doesn't want to waste my time. We are both 36 and would like children at some point.
    Recently, he has reignited a dream he had to live & work in the Middle East and we were due a discussion on this. He knows I have close family/ friend ties here and that I would not be keen (although I would have considered a compromise.)
    We both cried when we talked and he was very tender and listened to everything I had to say. He said he wished he had taken me up on talking things through before. I had suggested counselling in the past but he was resistant. He said he was sorry for the effect his moods had had on me. He opened up for the first time about deep seated hurt & anger he had regarding his childhood & family experiences.
    The following morning he sent a very complimentary email beginning: 'Baby, I’m really sorry about how things have turned out. Please know that I love you and today is one of the saddest days of my life.' He wrote that everything I said had resonated with him and I had been right. He also promised to seek out therapy to manage his anger. However, it ended 'I really believed in our relationship and I love you very much. Ultimately, I think we want some very different things in life and I couldn’t make the commitment we both needed to keep going. I hope I don’t end up regretting that. '
    I responded the next day with an equally caring email, but clarified my hope for 'commitment' was not wanting to get engaged right now, just wanting to grow as a partnership, which I felt we had been.
    I wished him well in his plans but did add I was available if he wanted to talk (as he had done at the end of his message.)
    Ironically we got together during a period of NC I had put in place for a previous relationship, so I know how effective it can be to help you move on.
    I do truly love him, do you feel I have done all I can? And, if I implement NC will it be effective with a man who is struggling to open up as it is?
    Any advice would be really appreciated.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jenny,

      Yes, I do think no contact can be effective. I think you've handled the breakup well and you do have a chance of reconciliation.

      Reply
    • Jenny

      Many thanks for such a quick response Kevin. It is heartening to hear someone objective say I've handled it well. I'll do NC and keep you informed.

      Reply
    • Jenny

      Hi Kevin, just an update & a little advice if you can! Been very strict with NC and implemented lots of positive changes: hair cut, personal trainer, keeping busy socially & pushing forward with work goals. I've even started seeing a councillor to help me process the breakup. Its been nearly 3 weeks now & apart from initially 'liking' & commenting on my facebook wall pictures a week in, he has not made efforts to contact me. I saw him at the tube station the other day (thank goodness I looked good!) He didn't know I'd seen him 1st, so the ball was in his court, but he didn't approach me. I've also (politely) put off requests from his friends (girls) to meet up as thought it would seem bit creepy. Apart from the odd tears, I'm feeling much more positive about my life & wondering if he was right for me after all. I guess my question is, why has he not contacted/ avoided me? And when the 30 days is up do I contact him or still leave it to him? Many thanks for any advice you can give!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jenny,

      Congrats on the progress you've made. There can be many reasons for him to not contact you. It could be out of ego, fear, confusion or perhaps he is applying no contact as well. There isn't any point in trying to figure out why he is not contacting you. If he doesn't contact you by the end of 30 days and you are absolutely sure you want him back, then you should get back in touch with him.

      Reply
  • Nightwish

    Hello:
    I've been dating a muslim girl in secret for about 2 years and we were deeply in love.I'm christian , as u know muslim girls are not allowed to be with anyone except muslim boys.Anw i messed up with her mom i asked her mom to take her daughter out and things got worse since then she had to break up with me by force.i kept nagging by telling her we are for each other and everything we had together .......and now i pushed her away her last msg was"I'm throwing away everything you gave me and i will do whatever it takes to move on so stop messaging me and nagging u pushed away in the beginning and i lost interest and feelings for you." but am sure she's still in love with me because she's sensitive and she's not that kind of girls who move on quickly.I messed up again with her mom and told her i love her daughter so much and i would do everything to be with her etc...and now she's not allowed to answer my calls , text or anything.I've been doing the no contact rule for about 1 week.
    So what now? do u thing the no contacting rule will work ....and if i contacted her after 1 month will it work ?!
    Thanks for your concern

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It's worth trying. However, you should consider the fact that you will have many issues in the future and unless she is willing to stand by you through those issues, you shouldn't get back with her.

      Reply
    • Anthzz

      she's lost confused she wants to make her parents proud and she doesn t wanna lose me ! ..and her parents refuse to be with a christian guy like me! so am not sure if she really wanna stand by me or not!....so do u think the NC rule will work?...and how long should i wait?....and if ur counting on her to talk to me that's not gonna happen!and i'm hundred percent positive.
      So what now ?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Wait at least 30 days. If after that, she is not willing to stand by you, you really can't do anything.

      Reply
    • Nightwish

      after 30 days when i'm gonna contact her should i must not remind her with all what happened and her parents rules etc/.. right?
      Do u think i should talk to her in 20 April, she loves miracles so i was counting on telling her about what will happen in Jerusalem this day!(the holy spirit coming out from Jesus grave)
      Do u think this will work?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Sounds like a good plan.

      Reply
  • Hester Nguyen

    Hi Kevin,

    I broke up with my ex three months ago because I wasn't ready to commit and I wanted to see someone else. Since then she refused to take my calls or answer my text. Then I realised that she was the one for me and wanted to settle down with her. But I recently learnt that about a month ago, she moved to another different city with her new boyfriend. I have no idea when she met him, only that it was less than two months after we broke up. She has since blocked my number and on Facebook. But I can still contact her via another text app. After sending her many texts, she finally replied that she had a boyfriend and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

    Do you think there's a chance that I can still get her back (she lives in a different city now)? Is she on a rebound?

    Kind Regards
    Hester

    Reply
  • MsChan

    Kevin I've read almost everything you've written. And I kinda don't feel there's any hope for me. I'm doing the no contacting rule ATM. Luckily for me I don't have his email or mobile number. I have DB and I'm lucky he hasn't blocked me. Oh I initiate the break up but he finalised it. He stated dating a week or so after we split. He told me about it and encouraged me to move on and date. We were kinda trying to get back together but the ball was in his court and I was the one hurt and desperate. We had a big falling out about 10 days ago via text and he called it quit. He told me he is seeing someone and want to do the right thing by her and he shouldn't be talking to me. We broke up because I didn't trust him. He was constantly in contact with his ex wife and his 2 best best mate hates me (they met me twice) and they're encouraging him to leave me. I feel I have no chance. His ex wife has a new partner (she cheated on him). My ex was very jealous, possessive and controlling but I did everything I could to show him he had nothing to worry about and he stated to play games and hid stuff from me like his phone and iPad.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should apply no contact for at least 2 months and think real hard if you want him back or not. If still you want to get back with him, contact him using text as mentioned in the 5 step plan.

      Reply
  • Snoopy

    My ex has blocked me on everything Facebook text and everything so how is the 30 day rule going to work. Plus we see each other everyday during the week how should I act should I not say hello should I ignore him?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Say hello if it's appropriate to say hello. Just don't have any personal conversation with him. Treat him like an acquaintance.

      Reply
    • Jordanne

      Kevin, I have been dating this girl for over a year and 8 months, I was living in the USA when I came to Brazil to visit my family and I met her, we started dating and I love her so much, I gave up my college in New Hampshire, my job, my life to be with her. She was also in college when we met, then she took a leave and came to live with me, we rented a place, both of us started working, we had our problems but we always solved them... Then two months ago I told her that I had talked to my ex like 6 times on the past year, just to wish her happy birthday, and i told her i didn't like my ex anymore, i just considered her a good friend and a nice person. She wanted to break up but i asked her not to because i never cheated on her and I gave everything up for her, and that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she accepted... But we were fighting so much, everything I said she would get angry for no reason, than she started no replying my texts, when I came home one day she was at her friends house and she didnt care to come back... anyway.. things got worse she started treating me like shit, then she went to her moms home for the holiday (he mom hates me and doesnt accept our relationship), then she came back and the next day she broke up with me... since then i have been living in hell, she is still sharing the place with me, and sends me mixed signals... I just want to be with her, I want to be there for her every minute, and grow old being beside her... I miss her smile and I miss her, even her bad moments, I just want my girlfriend back. What can I do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jordanne,

      Sorry you are in this situation. I know it sucks, but you have to accept the possibility that she might never come back. You might even have to leave this life and go back to the USA. I think she was completely unreasonable for treating you the way she treated you. I know you think you two were perfect, but if you were, she wouldn't have left you even though you never did anything wrong. I will advise you to do no contact, but it'll be hard since you two live together. Regardless, apply limited no contact, and try finding another place if you plan to stay in Brazil.

      Reply
  • tasha

    Hi ,
    My first love broke up with me and said he has changed and isn't the boy who I fell in love with. 3 months later I found out that his first love who had left him for his mate came back apologizing I was completely heartbroken cause I was fighting and txting him to come back to me. But he chose her And then she has left him again I'm not sure why but I've done everything humanly possible to make him realise she never fought or cared as much as I have but he can't see it. He's been horrible when he was with her and said he's sorry he just doesn't want to be with me I agree I txted him and begged him back. But then I told him she would leave him again and he said no they made promises the same ones me and him made he told me to stop dragging the past and move on and I'm wasting my time. Then the next day after I told him that she would leave him he txt me after 6 months of fighting for him everyday he txt me saying heyy u okay I was incredibly shocked cause I thought he had realised I played it subtle and then 3 days later I contacted him saying hi and he blanked it he replies on his terms. He recently told me he has no feelings for me deep down and doesn't want to be with anyone he's done with relationships. I've done soo much and it kills me he can't see it. He said he cant love me as much as he has loved her cause she's his first love but I've done everything and she doesn't bother. Help!!!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Tasha,

      Perhaps he feels he loves that girl so much because she doesn't care about him as much as you. Maybe he feels he loves her so much because she rejects him. I think you should apply no contact and send the letter mentioned in this article.

      Reply
  • Heather

    I have been dating a guy for a little over 7 months and we have been absolutely great together and so happy. I have no doubt in my mind that he likes me a great deal. However he just got out of a 20 year marraige that initially had been over the last 2 years of their time. So he broke it off with me because he says he is not ready to commit and doesn't want to be unfair to me but that he does really like me its "just him not me". So I have started the NC rule and actually the only time I did try to contact him was when he initially text me this news and I said I'd rather talk in person over this disicion, only because I feel like texts have no emotions and its easier to say whatever you want rather in person you can say one thing but your reaction will tell me another (for example I would be able to tell if he was hiding his feelings over his words) but after he agreed to meet the following day to talk I just never text him to follow up and neither did he. It has only been 2 days but in 30 there is a wedding both of us will be at. What do you think?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Apply no contact for 30 days. Make positive changes in your life. Get a new look. Meet him at the wedding. Blow his mind away.

      Reply
  • Mary

    Hello
    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago because I had to move away for a new job, and he was not willing to do long distance. I think the relationship was great overall, and we are very compatible. We want the same things in life and we come from very similar backgrounds. The relationship was very healthy and there were no major arguments or fights. I am not willing to lose such a great connection with this guy, but he's absolutely not willing to do long distance and asked me to "get in touch if I'm ever back in the same city". We were talking a little bit after the breakup, but I noticed that I was always the one initiating contact. He always replies, but never initiates. I went full no contact about 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since then. It looks like he's using No Contact as well to move on and forget about me, and he's sticking to his decision.

    Do you think I should try to win him back? What should I do? I don't want to lose my job or the love of my life. Please advice.

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Mary,

      I guess he is really against Long Distance and I think it will be really hard to convince him to give it a try. You can try contacting him after no contact (I'll recommend you make it 60 days) and if he still feels the same about LDR, then you'll have to choose between him or your job.

      Reply
    • Ryan

      So my ex broke up with me 4 days ago. We dated for a year and prior to that we were both in other relationships that had ended a couple months before we met each other and started ours. We both love each other deeply but realize that we're both not ready for a relationship and since we weren't fully moved on from issues/insecurities we had left over from the relationship before it spilled over into ours and caused problems which eventually lead to us breaking up last week. So while it's reluctantly mutual, my ex was the one with the strength to actually follow through with it because it's for the best right now. But he says to me that his love for me runs so deep and that I mean the world to him so this is really hard for him as well as me.

      My ex is going through a major transition in his life. He's finally found his passion and is inspired to really pursue it but works 60 hours a week and also wants to work on bettering himself. He's realized that he can't be in a relationship right now and juggle everything, because what little free time he has he should put that mental space towards studying/pursuing his craft instead of tending to me or worrying if I'm getting upset he hasn't made time for me. So, I understand why we shouldn't be together right now.

      I need to work on myself and be happy with being alone. I've never really been alone and the two of us (me and my ex) became co-dependent on one another and I think that aspect was unhealthy.

      I know once we're both in a better place in our lives and the timing is better I would like to be with him again. He really did inspire me, build me up, believe in my dreams/passions and we shared a lot of positivity. We just let negativity in to get the best of us.

      I definitely will take the 30 days no contact to gain clarity of the relationship and work on myself, but my question to you is what do I do after because I know a month from now he may miss me and want to be with me again but will still feel that he's not ready for a relationship, as I don't think he'll be ready for a relationship until he finishes school in a year. So what do I do after 30 days? I'm afraid to be friends with him and then we get used to that and then the possibility of getting back together will become more and more distant. I also don't want us to be friends and either of us get jealous of the other dating because that negativity will just remind us of what we want to avoid from our initial relationship.

      Do I just move on completely and in a year contact him? That's so hard. Is it possible to become the man that he feels he could be in a relationship with even though we won't see me more than 2-4 times a month and still juggle his studies/career and work load?

      What should I do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think you should contact him after 30 days and establish a friendship. I don't think spending time together with him will make him used to you as a friend. If you have fun with him and play your cards right, you can create a lot of attraction that will make him want to get back together.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    I did the whole break up with him then wanted to get back together in a day after almost 4 years of dating...denied obviously. A week later I wrote a letter saying I'd give him space (no contact) until he was ready. I have and it's almost a month. I did this before reading your article. I don't want advice on wether I should be in a relationship with him or not; I can reflect on what you've said and on my relationship and figure that out myself, but I am wondering if it is crucial for me to have "more power" than I do right now for there to be a potential future.

    Reply
  • Andy

    Hey Kevin, after reading your article, i have read many and i can see that you know your stuff. I feel like i can trust you, that you have the best solutions for each situation.

    My story goes, if you dont mind helping me out.

    I have been in a 6 year long relationship with my girlfriend, she lived with me at my parents during that time. I met her when she was 2 months into her pregnancy, and i chose to be with her despite that fact and we fell in love, we had a blissful 2 first years together, and then my parents being religious made us separate rooms, so her and my son had to share a room and i was alone, soon after that her and my intimacy dropped drastically because she felt guilty doing it under my parents roof, she didnt want to dis respect them. So, it would be about every 3 months we would do it, it gradually got there, but that was the average for 4 years, up until the day she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore, but was willing to stay and see what happens. The reason she fell out of love with me she said, which is all true, i dont deny any of it, was because i became addicted to the computer, at that two year mark i lost my job and fell into depression and used video games to cope with reality, and ended up neglecting the love of my life and my son. Over the 4 years, she started to fall out of love with me because i became un attractive in her eyes, weak and selfconcious. I was always negative and pessimistic and critical. I ended up feeling like she was looking for someone else, but she wasnt. She told me the reasons why she started to fall out of love, what she thought was the culprit, and it was because i wasnt taking care of myself i neglected myself, let alone my family. She saw me as strong and her knight in shining armor when we first met, and i tried to be that, but once i lost my job, i ended up becoming the opposite in her eyes. She became (independent mode) and decided she didnt need me, and wanted to prove that to herself because i haddent supported her for 4 years. She had two jobs and was in school, then got a new job and works from 6-5:30 while i sit at home wishing i had a job. I had social anxiety because of being selfconcious, im a skinny guy, but at a time i was still fit, now because of the computer ive lost that. my hair has thinned badly. ive lost all selfesteem.

    so eventually i finally saw the truth of how she didnt love me, hiding her phone after texting someone, i felt a pit in my stomach and confronted her and she kept silent, i collapsed on the stairs as i went back up to take care of my son while he slept, and fell down balling my eyes out, dry heaving in heart ach, i thought i was litterally dying. i had a reality check and i finally saw how weak i was, and how un attractive i had become, it all hit me at once.

    a few weeks later she moved out, i helped her settle in at her moms and even put up doors and a wall for her. trying to be supportive of her decision, and since that day of my life flashing before my eyes. i have become a new man, and have a new perspective on life, and goals. and have been taking action to better my self while shes gone. Im in school at NETTTs getting my cdl class b so i can get a job within the town or a waste management company who knows maybe a bus driver. and when i start making money i want to be able to support my son for the first time, and support my ex girlfriend as much as i can to help her out with my son, i started using rogaine, i started taking care of my self, when i get a job i will start going to the gym and weight train to gain weight back,i want to show her the change in me. i started texting her insecurly like most people do, bothering her at work of course, all that stuff, a few days ago i finally stopped and told her. "I finally realized this today, that me texting you is making things worse between us and thats the last thing i want to do, so i want to try a no contact deal with you so that you can have your space, but id still like to see my son once a week, so friday evenings ill contact you about him and thats is it". and she agreed to that. i dont know if what i am doing will save our relationship, but they are my family and i want them back so badly.

    she said she cant promise how she will feel in a few months, and she said she isnt interested in a relationship with any other guys at all, she wants to focus on herself right now and her job and obviously our son. I just feel like, she will like being alone and independent away from me. I want to buy a house for my family i want to work everyday to support my family, i want to be happy and attractive and confident, i want to go to the gym as a new hobby, i want to change my attitude, and i know i need this for me, but i also want this, so i can have my family back.

    I dont know what else i can do in the meantime, because im still in school, and i need my license to get a job because they need my license number for the applications. so itl take a few months to get there. I ask you, what would you suggest i do as a plan of action to start repairing this relationship? She loved me once, for two years and stuck by me during the bad, for 4 years, now shes had enough. Is that repairable if i change? Thank you for any help and advice.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Andy,

      First of all, I am proud of you for realizing your mistake and making the changes in your life. I think you still have a chance and if you follow through with your goals, your chances will increase dramatically. Even though right now she feels like she doesn't want to be with you, I think secretly she is hoping you will change and woo her back in your life. Yes, she might like being alone and independent, but it's not a bad thing. She might enjoy not being dependent on anyone for the first time in her life. Just because she doesn't need you, doesn't mean she will not want you. I will advise you don't try to force her to be a family again. You start things slowly. Start going out as a friend, then start dating her. Hopefully, things will work out for you.

      Reply
  • Jenna

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of four years broke up with me three weeks ago saying that he hasn't loved me in over a year. We lived together for three years and he moved a few hours away about seven months ago. The distance was hard and just brought up my insecurities and his indifference towards me. We have kept in contact (mostly me starting it) since the breakup. I found out that he asked a girl out on a date a week after he ended things with me and I lost it. Now he keeps saying he is "done" with me and the relationship. He is cold and hurtful to me now and won't give me the time of day, saying he doesn't care and I am not his problem anymore. I cut off contact with him three days ago and it's been difficult but I'm going to not talk to him for a month. Do you even remotely think there is a chance for us? Any advise is much appreciated.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, I do think there's a chance. Of course, I can't guarantee anything. But it seems he just lost attraction and if you make some positive changes in your life, you can reignite the spark in his heart.

      Reply
  • Rebeka

    P.S. I'm 100% over the pain and I am not needy anymore.

    Reply
  • Rebeka

    I have to add info, that he is very feminine and he doesn't like to take initiative and he is very proud. For example, if I will tell him: "I don't want to meet your friends because you don't pay any attention to me in public", he will say "then don't come". He translates it as if he'd love me enough, he'd do that naturally.
    We have been together for 2 years.

    Reply
  • Rebeka

    Hi!

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 moths ago. He often didn't call and didn't appear when promised (but he did that always later) and we were quarrelling about that and he said that apparently he doesn't love me strong enough and he doesn't want any commitment. There was silence for two weeks, then I called him and he came to see me (he lives 200 km far away) because I admitted that I feel bad. He stayed with me 3 days, those were really beautiful days without any kiss. Also later we went to theatre, he called and wrote me a lot and I see that sometimes he hardly holds himself back; he wants to stick to his decision that he can't offer me a commitment and he doesn't want to fool me (as he thinks I love him stronger). These days we have got a really fun time via phone, should I really apply no contact rule if we have gotten so far?
    A week ago I tried to kiss him, he didn't want to and I turned it to fun as " I check the boundaries", it seemed he believed me.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Do you think you want someone who doesn't want commitment? Or are you under the belief that he secretly wants commitment and he is not telling you because of his pride? Or perhaps, you think that you can get him back and then make him want commitment?

      Yes, I do believe you should apply no contact. Not because of him but for yourself. You really need to think if you want a relationship with him. And you won't be able to think clearly unless you apply no contact.

      Reply
    • Rebeka

      Yes, I think he secretly wants commitment, I'm 100% sure, he is just afraid. Before me he had only one girlfriend and she hurted him a lot.
      He thinks that if we quarrel then he's not good enough for me, because the previous girl never did. At the same time he says that he doesn't love me as strong as I love him and this is the reason, but I'm not sure because he's not interested in any other woman these 2 years.
      We have long distance relationship, so this great and active communication in last weeks is something new and it was hard to establish it because of the distance.
      If you still think, that I should apply NC, - when he writes me, should I tell him that I want no contact?
      Thank you a lot!!!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, I do think you should apply NC. IF he contacts you, tell him that you need some time and space and you'll contact him after some time.

      Reply
  • chen

    Hi,

    I need some help. my GF of 2 years broke up with me last december because she thinks im too immature, im 23 she is 25. Right after that i begged and stayed around her. Taking care of her. around last two weeks, she started holding my hands, kissing me again. we have sex on weekly basis. I really though I'm about to get her back. Then last weekend, which is 2 days ago, she meet this guy and she told me she couldnt lie to me, she like this guy and it is over between us. I am a very nice guy! Im sometime stupid but i've been trying to make her happy in all ways, I've been picking her up at her work 2 years in a row through rain or snow! no stop! I completely spoil her! can she ever find someone like me to love her as much?

    Anyway when i hear that she dosent like me no more and want me to stop going near her,that hit me like a truck, i broke down in tears. She told me my mother is mean, im immature and if i am 30 years old by now, maybe she will be deadly in love with me. I just asked if there is a way to get her back, and she said if i become director in some software company and be successful then maybe! but she wants to see concrete changes, at least not the person i am now!
    I am a straight A student before, but my grade dropped after i met her. of course spending 30hours with her a week didnt help but it made me so happy. right now im doing an internship at some major software company! I can have a bright future i have the ability why cant she see it?

    The guy she wants to date now isnt even from our city, is just a friend of friend that came to visite for 1 month.

    I am really confused and I really need help please!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I guess if you just showed her that you are not needy anymore, that will in itself be a huge change in you. And the best way to show her that is by applying no contact and sending her the letter mentioned in this article.

      Reply
    • Anon

      Hi Chen
      What the hell. Hope u found someone that loves you for who you are and not just who you will become. The no contact rule is for your own damn good, you deserve better.

      Reply
  • Katie

    My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a week ago after 9 months together. He told me that between school and work he doesn't have enough time for me. And I understand he's been busy so we weren't spending as much time together as we used to, but he just completely stopped trying. He said when we broke up that I'm still one of his closest friends and that he wishes it didn't have to be like this. We agreed to stay friends and still hang out sometimes but he hasn't tried to contact me or hang out at all. I've texted him just once after our breakup seeing if he wanted to hang out and he just came up with an excuse why he couldn't and was just being really short with me.

    Also two weeks before we broke up he brought me to meet his mom, and he said it went very well. But when we broke up he told me that he didn't see our relationship going anywhere. I'm not sure if that's how he's always felt or because lately ,before our breakup, we haven't been able to spend as much time together like we used to. And if he didn't see our relationship going anywhere then why would he bring me to meet his mom? Help :(

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I can't say why he brought you to meet him Mom, but I think he just lost attraction which is why he stopped trying. It's normal for people to lose attraction in a relationship after some time. Apply no contact and follow the plan. Make some positive changes in yourself and he'll feel attracted to you again.

      Reply
  • Stijn

    My girlfriend and me had a huge fight last sunday because I got jealous and she says I don't trust her. Yesterday she broke up with me saying that she needs time. She also said we might get together but she's not sure, but if not she wants to stay friends. What do I do when she texts me now? Do I ignore her?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Ignore her. If she keeps on texting you, tell her that you need some time and space and so does she. So it's better if you don't contact each other for a while.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    It has been day 32 of NC with my ex, I left him 4 weeks ago after I discovered he cheated on me 11 months into our relationship and kept it from me for over a year (we were together for 2 years). I have had relationship breakups before but nothing like this one. He is 25 years old and has been battling depression since he was a teenager and he deals with his depression by abusing drugs and alcohol. I have to say this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, when all along I thought this person was my best friend and I could trust them with my heart when really he just screwed me over. Is he ever going to contact me again? I know I have the power as I haven't contacted him and I am the one that left him considering he cheated on me but I want him to contact me so I can say f**k you, I want him to cry and feel the pain that I have felt for the last 4 weeks, but will he ever feel what I have felt?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sarah,

      I am so sorry about what happened. I do hope he contacts you and you get to give him a piece of your mind. But you have to eventually learn to let it go and start looking forward in your life.

      Reply
  • El

    We were together for 7 months, every day non stop. nothing else made me happy but to be with him. I am really suffering from our break up. He throw me and my stuff out of his house after an argument. 2 days before he was telling me he was really in love and happy and now he is acting like a stranger. I did text him a few times but he didnt reply. He replied just once. I cant sleep, i dont eat, i am having panic attacks and nothing makes me smile. I have problems at work and i dont know what to do. Why is he acting like this? Dont know what to do. I am very sad and miserable even though i was always a happy and positive person.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey El,

      Apply No contact and give him time. You'll start feeling better eventually. All the best!

      Reply
    • El

      Thank you Kevin. I have been reading all your advice. I am trying to apply it but its very hard. I am addicted as well since I used to be with him almost 24/7. I will try though. What if he is too selfish to contact me or if he moves on completely after those 30 days and i get disappointed all over again? He is a very selfish person unfortunately. I keep checkin my phone and fb for msgs very 2 minutes. Its pathetic but i cant help it.

      Reply
    • Ilovedogs18

      In sorry to hear that El. You will go through this for about 2 to 3 weeks because I went through the same pain you are going through. but just like Kevin's advice, write down your thoughts, talk to a friend and hit the gym. Eat good and try to meditate. You'll feel better again :)

      Reply
    • ery

      we are on same situation. how did you handle this? are you and your bf are still together?

      Reply
  • lauren

    Hi there I was wondering if u could help me I broke up with my ex bf five month ago we did a bit of time no contact he recently found me on kik started talking me talked about meeting up I said okay to talk nothing else so I met him and he had that look in his eye I told him iv changed and he's happy about that cos I'm no longer the bitch I used to be. He told me he wanted to talk about getting bk together and I messaged his gf and he text me saying plan failed love then instead of blocking me on kik he deleted his account what should I do this guy is the love of my life and I will in a way do what it takes to get him back.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I don't understand, you messaged his gf? Why did you do that?

      Reply
    • haryl

      Hi Kevin,

      I've meet my ex today..But the first time I've meet him he showed me so much affection but I know it's not for sex..

      He said to Me I love you and he misses me so much..

      And I meet him today.he keep staring at me.all the time..But sad to say his phone ring and somebody call her it was a girl.

      He put it on the table and I saw the name it was Jen my love..

      I feel too much pain.But ibhave to be strong ..

      So I ask him.I know you have a new girlfriend already and keep denying it.so I said its Okey you don't need to hide from me.

      He answer is he denied and later accept.But he explain.he said when we were together I didn't cheat you only the time when we break up ..

      He lost interest in me on January 1 and. He make relationship on January 6..

      I love him so much but why it's so fast for him to replace me.he said he is leaving and going back to his country on March 26.and I said to him.it's better for us not to see each other again.as you have your gf and I don't like this kind of situation.and he said even for the last time I said no.this will be the last time we will see each other..

      Why like this?he has a new gf but still making contact with Me and he is not even proud of her new gf.if he is why he keep denying..I said I am happy for you though it hurts Me so much

      I love him so much but what should I do?

      Should I go back to no contact rule?or just I will forget him.

      I try to entertain another suitor but so hard for me.like I wanna be fair.I will entertain when I'm already over with my ex..

      Please tell me what to do..

      Reply
    • hary

      I send him message today.I told him.(Thanks for the time you spend with me and Nivel.I really appreciate it..I know you are happy with your new life now..
      And thank you so much
      for the good memories that we had..goodbye Frank all I want is you to be happy!!and
      I'm sorry.sorry for things I
      have done before!!I love you for the last time and
      goodbye!I know it's best for
      us!!!I hope to see u happy
      with her

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      Like I said in this article, it's probably a rebound relationship. You need to apply the NC rule.

      Reply
  • dyne

    Hi. I used to be the controller in the relationship.. my bf got tired of me after 3 years and now I'm really really sorry and miserable and I'm willing to change.. the problem is. He won't take me back. He even said that he didnt loved me anymore as a girlfriend but rather as a friend or sister. This is the first time he dumped me and what scares me the most is that he is very happy right now with his friends and school activities.. what if he never comes back because life with me was hell. No matter how hard I try to tell him that I'm willing to change.. he still won't give me a chance. Please help me. I haven't tried the no contact rule but I'm really afraid that it would only lead him to be happier since I was usually a burden and he has friends and family and so many activities that he's distracted from. I don't think he'll even wonder why Im not contacting him but would rather be thanful that I have agreed to break up.. help. :(

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Let him be thankful that you agreed to break up. In fact, it's better if he feels like that the controlling person with whom life was like hell, is in his past. Let him be happy about it being in the past. This is going to work to your advantage. See, even if you convince him to get back right now, he'll regret it and will grow resentful over time. If you try to convince him that you'll change, he'll just feel like you are saying anything to get him back. Instead, start no contact and actually change. Let him think that the old you is in the past and meet him after no contact as the new you. That's the only way to get him back and keep him permanently.

      Reply
    • dyne

      Thankyou so much!! Up to now, I haven't actually totally agreed to his decision but I'm quite sure I will have the heart to tell him that I'm letting him do what he wants.. and that I won't chase him anymore if that's what he wants. I'm just really really hopeful that we'd still end up together.
      By the way, in the process of the no contact rule..and he texts me or calls me.. should I reply? Or maybe I should wait for atleast another text from him? I actually want him back badly..I know Ican change for the better. I'm just not sure that he's ready yet. I jut hope we'd be in good terms before my birthday.. which is the last day of the next month.. his birthday will be the 4th day after that.
      I really really really wish that I can get him back.

      I appreciate your fast responses and that ypu actually take time to answer love problems here in the comments section! :) may good karma strike you, Kevin!

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I'll recommend that you don't answer his texts. If he keeps on calling or texting you, let him know that you need some space and time and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while. This is an important step as it will make him feel like you are no longer needy and it'll show him your ability to change.

      Reply
    • JA

      I thought I'm the only one who has the same heartbreak! We're on same boat girl!

      Reply
    • Maria

      Hi dyne, I found your situation pretty similar to mine, so I wanted to ask you what happened next, did you and your ex get back together? :)

      Reply
  • Chanel

    My boyfriend broke up with me because i got pregnant and I didn't keep the baby so now he completely ignores me. do u think any of this will help get him back or is it really over for us getting back together

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      No contact is still worth a try. If he still acts the same after 30 days, it's better that you try to move on.

      Reply
  • Richard

    A week be for valentine's day my girlfriend said she did feel the same way about us 2years things were grate till now i said we needed some space apart its valentines day next week followed by her birthday you suggest no contact 30 days. Then get back in touch out the blue?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, don't contact her on Valentine's Day. As for her birthday, you can send her a simple text, but nothing more.

      Reply

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