Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.

I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.

Who this article is for?

This article is for anyone looking to get an ex back. May it be your ex girlfriend, ex boyfriend, ex wife, ex husband or an ex fiancé. May it be a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you just broke up, and are thinking about winning your ex back, you will find this article helpful and enlightening.

However, if you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning a girl back.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.

It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two three four five years of experience helping people with breakups).

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

UPDATE: I’ve updated this article in 2018 to include case studies and more details about specific situations. To read the case studies, just click on them to expand.

This article is quite long. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.

Content:

But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how to get your ex back.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Instincts)

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fool you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat begging

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

  1. If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
  2. If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

doormat in relationships

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

rebound relationship

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake Number 6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that doing this will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious to your instincts.

If you used to abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instinct wants to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

Case Study 1: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. So bad that the neighbors had to knock on their doors at least once a month.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common occurrence in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors and was ashamed of herself and her partner. She was tired of the relationship pattern.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other,
they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake Number 7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

  • “Is my ex missing me?”
  • “Does he still love me?”
  • “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
  • “Will she start dating someone already?”
  • “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
  • “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
  • “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

In fact, most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through.

They are a result of panicked mind that is trying to do an impossible task.

Moreover, when you are trying to interpret your ex’s action and social media activity, you will probably misinterpret them and do something to push them away.

For example,

  • If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
  • If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
  • If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
  • If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. This will probably make you freak out, call them and act controlling and borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back.

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study 2: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

She did manage to get him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

 

STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Facebook Messaging
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
  • No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For three reasons

Reason 1 : Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give him time to miss you more and he will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting him.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting him, you immediately become not needy in his mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason 2: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

Before you try to get your ex back, you need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.

You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

happiness comes from inside

Reason 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 days

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

  • What if my ex moves on during no contact?
  • What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact?
  • What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

My ex thought I didn’t pay them enough attention and I wasn’t committed enough. Wouldn’t no contact make them feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a huge concern for people who didn’t put enough effort in making the relationship work. But they want to put the effort after the breakup.

If you are reading this article, then that means you have already tried to convince them that things will be different this time. That you will put in more effort and will be committed. That you will care.

And it didn’t work.

The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you are doing all of this because you are afraid of losing them. You are showing that you care because you are needy and desperate. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.

Your ex thinks that you will go back to your old ways if once you get them back.

And the best way to help them overcome this belief is to show them you are no longer needy and desperate by doing no contact.

You can let them know beforehand that you are doing no contact to heal and to think things through. That this does not mean you don’t care about them and you are moving on. That it just means that you are taking some space to figure out what your issues are and what you can do to overcome them.

This sincere move to introspect and figure out a solution to your issues will work wonders in trying to convince them after you’ve finished no contact.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

  • They might start contacting you every day.
  • They might get angry.
  • They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
  • They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
  • They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
  • The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

I’ll soon write an article in detail about everything that your ex might do during no contact and how you should react to it. Check back on this space later to read that article. For now, let’s move on to what your focus should be during no contact. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)

Case Study 3: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

 

are you happy?

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

  • Controlling Nature
  • Extreme Jealousy
  • Insecurity
  • Lack of Passion
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Lack of Personal Hygiene
  • Lack of Motivation in Life
  • Lack of Communication Skills
  • Lack of Social Skills
  • Inability to Trust
  • Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them. If you don’t know how to work on these issues, speak to a counselor or therapist.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

  1. I love my ex.
  2. I can’t live without my ex.
  3. I am miserable without my ex.
  4. He/She was the only one for me.
  5. I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

But in most cases, the reason for breakup can be boiled down to the loss of one of the following.

  • Attraction
  • Connection
  • Or Trust

For example,

  • You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
  • You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you.
  • You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
  • Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Case Study 4: He Came Back, but it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking. And they can always tell if you are faking.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

 

 

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

hand written letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

Purpose 1: To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

Purpose 2: To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

Purpose 3: To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.

If you want a sample message written for you, I share it in email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages.

You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you don’t have an option, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule 1: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)”

Texting Rule 2: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule 3: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

(Read more about texting your ex and building attraction via text.)

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

Or

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study 6: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Mindy’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Mindy kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Mindy felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Mindy found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Mindy because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Mindy eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Mindy was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Mindy decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

1. Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

 

2. Be on The Lookout For Post Breakup Charade Tests

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons. I call these the post breakup charade tests.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study 7: A failed Post Breakup Charade Test

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much she was taken a back.

“Don’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This Post Breakup Charade Test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

BTW, if you want to know exactly how Mindy should have replied, keep an eye out on this space. I will soon release a bonus report which will list some of the common Post Breakup Charade Tests and what you should to pass them with flying colors.

3. Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

4. Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

5. Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

  1. Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
  2. Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
  3. Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

 

Bonus Step 6 : Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past seven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period and teaches you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. This quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

 

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

 

To Recap:

Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
STEP 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

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Sasha
Sasha

Hi.. i need help :'( Could we connect via email?

chris
chris

This is 100% correct. Applying It is much harder obviously. My girlfriend of 7 years (I was first guy she slept with) left me. I did absolutely everything wrong. Everything this tells you to do. I did the opposite. 6 months of begging and crying. I eventually gave up. Gave her two months of peace. Start seeing someone else. Got my shit together. Became attractive to her again. Blah Blah. We’ve been married for 10 years now and have two kids.
I was the biggest tiny tears ever. She begged to get back with me once I got my shit together.
This whole thing is word for word perfect.
The bible.
I have nothing to do with its conception.
Read every word.

Angel
Angel

Thank you very very very much for the advice! Everyone: follow this advice exactly and there is not a chance you’ll not have the desired result! Actually I’m a mum and used this article to advice my girl who was separated and very miserable She followed exactly what I told her and I prayed it would work as I had no experience at all It worked!! It worked great actually and under the worst circumstances!! Thank you is not enough really!

Maria
Maria

hello,
My boyfriend and I were so in love and I am still in love with him but he broke up with me due to us fighting a lot and me not aware of how I behave. I was really cruel to him because I took him for granted. We made a lot of future plans in only our third month. We have dated for 7 months but we used to see each other everday that is why we were so connected to each other. But then he said that he was tired of us fighting and I told him that I am aware of my behaviors and will change and go back to our first four months. He does not believe me at all. He said we should be friends and fall in love with others, after some time I will rethink. I really don’t want to break up and I can’t stand the idea of him being in love with someone else and looking the same way he used to look at me. Tomorrow we are meeting but I am not sure that he is going be nice to me. Our friend group is the same but I don’t think this will make a difference. Please help me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you wish to win him back, you’re going to have to make some positive changes to your life, which takes time. This is why he feels too that both parties should go their own ways aka giving each other space before thinking about reconciliation. I would recommend considering NC for the time being to work on yourself and focus on picking yourself up emotionally.

Mara
Mara

Hey. I dated this guy for four years and I figured he was the love of my life. Over the last few months however we had been arguing a lot because of insecurities on my part. We had a serious argument that pushed him too far and he broke and told me that he couldn’t see himself going anywhere with me after it despite loving me and that I brought out the worst in him at that moment. I threw something belonging to him across the room in the argument and proceeded to ask him to leave. I’d been reminded of an earlier issue and just reacted without thought. It hurts a lot not only because Ive lost him but because I know I’m the reason. At first I was angry but asked him if there was anything I could do to fix my wrongs and if he was sure there was nothing left to fight for. He told me he’s serious about it and it’s not what he wants anymore, that I have issues with the way I want to handle things. He even brought up my abuse and told me he thinks I’m like that because I grew up in a violent home so argument is always my first approach. After rereading the messages I may have come off a little needy and desperate. I just figured fighting for the relationship and showing him how much I didn’t want to lose it was the best call but now after reading this article I’m not so sure. He told me he wanted to be friends and in the same breath even asked to come over by me to fix a problem on my phone he’s known about for a while but never got around doing for me. Is this fair? He dumps me but the day after wants to be over by me after seeing how much I asked him to stay. For this I told him that it was okay and that I’d get help elsewhere as I want to give him his space but “thank you anyway”. I want him back but I’ve recognised my faults and want to fix them first. With this scenario in mind do you think there is a chance for us ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There is still a chance as long as your relationship with him was a meaningful one, but probably only after some time has passed and you’ve worked on your issues to make visible changes to yourself first.

Pauline
Pauline

My ldr boyfriend [M,17] recently broke up with me [F,17] because he lost the spark. We were best friends for 2 years (where I secretly liked him) then we dated for almost two years because he said he also started feeling the same. Our relationship was really good despite not meeting each other for the whole of it. We loved each other so much. We helped each other see the best things in life. We were good for each other. Our plan was to meet at the end of 2018 as lovers but now we’re just meeting as friends. He broke up with me last week because he didn’t feel it was right anymore. He said didn’t love me anymore. He didn’t imagine me in his future anymore. He said he hasn’t been feeling the same feeling from when we started dating for two months. He didn’t tell me right away because he wanted to love me. He wanted to believe he loved me. He said he wished he loved me and that we worked out. He apologised to me for not feeling the same way anymore. He said he wants to keep our friendship. He said he still cared about me. He even helped me try to get over him and accept the circumstance. I was devastated for a few days and cried and begged and pleaded but afterwards I realised it was a stupid idea. Then I started accepting the break but still had thoughts like ‘maybe his depression affected his decision’ or ‘maybe when we meet, he’ll rethink it.’ He was academically smart but not emotionally smart and I was the other way. It took him a long time to figure out that he liked me too when we were best friends. I also realised it’s a stupid idea to think that way because he made his intentions clear for now. I apologised for my actions after the breakup and told him that I’ll try my best to be his best friend but… I love him so much. I still do. We helped each other grow and we balanced each other out. We had lots of things in common. We were good for each other. I’m still hoping that we can start a new friendship and maybe it can blossom into something more. He said that he believes we’re not getting back together. I said ‘You never know what the future holds. We might fall in love with again in the future.’ He said to me ‘maybe… but don’t count on it.’ We’re talking normally and as friends right now. Of course, he doesn’t reply as fast as he used to. I want to be there for… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since you haven’t exactly met him in person much, perhaps agree to the meetup as friends first as face-to-face meetings can hold a stronger importance over online chatting, and you never know if he might develop feelings again for you then.

Pauline
Pauline

I truly hope that once we meet, we can just stay as friends and see how it goes from there?

After all, real life is very different to online. But no one can tell me our feelings for each other then wasn’t real.

Effy
Effy

I was with my ex for two years, after he propose we decided to have kids, a month later I was pregnant. Then everything goes down since then, all the negative things happened. After I giving birth, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I was depressed and breakdown. and he broke up with me when our son was 3 months old. He has depression and back then he switched off his feelings became extremely cold. now he says he still love me, I was someone special that he wanted to have kids with. we broke up last April, and last December he started a new relationship, they are together still. but the thing is we are still living together for some reasons that we have to for a while, maybe another year.( his gf doesn’t live with us) I always keep the house tidy and he appreciates what I have done.
we sing , dance with our son, have lots laughs all the time. sometimes he hugs me and kisses my cheek and forehead. I’m so confused right now, should I try to get back together?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would seem like the bond you share with him is definitely stronger than with the girl, and she could simply be an escape mechanism that he turned to every time he wants to run away due to his depression. With the family, living together, and even having a connection, you should try talking to him about it with regards to getting back, or at least the idea of it.

Raed
Raed

Me and my ex were best friends for 3 years secretly in love. We never confessed. She started dating someone 8 months ago and i couldnt take it so i told her. She confessed that she had been in love with me too. We were together for 6 months until she told me she had lost feelings for me. And that it was because i had changed and talked about other girls more and cared less about her( told this to her friends) she now says she likes someone shes talking to. And that shed never wanna be with me again.
We were really special. Trust me. She opened up to me tho she is an avoidment attacher(if that makes sense)

Pls tell me how do i win her back? Prove to her that she was and will be my priority? How do i get her back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Give her some space for now, follow the plan and when you reconnect with her, show her that she is a priority with your actions

Ben
Ben

My ex and I of 4 years had only ever dated each other, neither of us ever dated anyone before we met eachother. I was always satisfied with this and I love her very much, I never saw the need to try new people because I was very happy with her. But 3 years into our relationship she told me she was scared of never experiencing anyone else, and at 4 years, she found herself attracted to one of her guy friends. She decided it would be best for us to break up so she and I could try new people, I believe this decision was also influenced by this friend of hers who is now her new boyfriend. Should I try to get her back or just let things play out as they will (the whole “if it’s meant to be than it’s meant to be” mentality)? Maybe this is best for the two of us, but at the same I love her a lot and planned on staying with her forever. I don’t know if I should try to get her back, or just go out and experience new people and let the cards fall where they will with her and I.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s normal for people who have only been in one relationship to suddenly want to explore new things because they’re afraid that there’s regret later on in life. At this point, there’s not much you can do, because by pressuring her on, you’ll only serve to help her realize that she was right in wanting to date other people.

Autumn
Autumn

Ive recently gotten out of a 2 and a half year realationship and it has torn me to shreds. It drove me crazy cause he didnt give me a reason as to why he left other then he “lost the spark” when he didnt see me and that he “needs to find himself”. It drove me mad because he left me four days after spending an amazing weekend with me and 2 days after asking me to go on a trip with him. Knowing him im afraid that even if there is a chance, which i feel deeply in my heart that there must be that hes going to be too stuborn to allow himself to want me. Hes ignoring me when i try to contact for my stuff back. Hes not the type of person to go out and meet someone to have coffee or do anything ever, he wont message me and im afraid that if i leave for a month i wont get my stuff back and i wont be able to get him to see me. We had something so specail that changed the both of us, i feel that he too must still love me as much as i love him considering the way things were before he left. I cant and dont want to wait forever to get ny stuff back, and when i get my stuff that will be my only chance of seeing him. I dont know what to do, and i dont know how i could ever get him to message me and have a conversation even after giving him space. Hes so stuborn and so am i, but ive given into everything. I just really dont know what to do when everything throughout the day makes me think of him and i can no longer sleep at night while he has a new job and is doing perfectly fine ignoring me and everything.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps it would be good for you to also do the same, and show him that you’re doing just as well. If he’s lost the spark with you over the course of the relationship and you want him back, you’re going to have to find a way to re-create that spark again (physical attraction, emotional attraction, etc) and your best chance would be when you meet him again to pick your stuff up.

monique
monique

before my ex and I started dating we spoke for three years with out meeting one another ,and developed a deep connection , speaking sun rise to sun set , hr long phone calls , after three years we finally met and started dating , we dated for a year . we broke up about 7days ago . We broke up because he said that I was disrespectful and always had a negativity frequency. He blocked me on what’sap . I called him tonight to speak to him about our break up and trying to work on things , he said no and wants to remain broken up because his given me plenty of chances in the past , he loves me but he thinks I’m never going to change . its his birthday in a couple of days , do I send him a birthday text ?? also before putting down th phone I asked him if he could unblock me on whatsap he said no , I can contact him via phone call or text … I’m more confused them EVER ! what should I do ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Go into NC for now since he seems to have strong negative feelings towards you at the moment. As for his birthday, it honestly wouldn’t make a difference whether you wish him or not since you’ve broken up, but typically if you’re in no contact, I would advise you to simply stick to NC and not contact him unless it’s an urgent matter.

Paula
Paula

My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago we were together 5 months. We would meet each other once/twice a week due to work schedules. He would always keep in touch every day via text or a call. We would be texting numerous times a day and most of the time it would always be him texting me. He seemed to be making no effort to meet up on last 2 weeks it was always me suggesting we meet which we did. When I suggested we both make more of an effort to meet up more regularly. He broke it off saying we both in different places and thats how he feels. Found out 2 days ago he has gone on holiday with a female friend. He tried to keep texting after we broke up as if nothing was wrong so I asked him to stop. I have had no contact with him since I asked him to stop. Going to concentrate on myself for now and refrain from contacting him. Guess what I would like to know is there any hope in getting him back.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on him, to be honest. Even if you’re willing to work things out, if he simply isn’t interested (due to the lack of meeting up) and would rather spend the time chasing his colleague whom he is able to see daily, you might be better off walking away from this and finding someone who would be willing to put in the effort.

Kaye
Kaye

Me and my exboyfriend have been dating for 10 months, but we had a lot of argument the past 2 months and he basically broke up with me stating that he couldn’t get over the fact i wouldn’t give up a relationship with a friend i spent a trip with (which nothing happened between us) and that i never loved him back the same way he did nor he felt loved or complete, saying i was unconsidered and ignorant about his feelings. After many discussions on how we could fix our relationship, he decided to give up although i refused to let him go and i insisted to work on us. At the end i couldn’t convince him.

So, after breaking up i stupidly offered myself to became FWB in which he refused so i told him to exchange the stuff we have from each other. He didnt reply back to that, so i decided from there to start the ‘no contact rule’. He replied to me after but i haven’t yet because i started the challenge.

My question is, should i keep on the ‘no contact rule’ or should i make the exchange of stuff and start no contact rule from the top? Or wait till no contact rule ends and bring the exchange as an excuse to start conversation?

Thankyou.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would be entirely up to you, but personally I would recommend completing NC before exchanging your belongings.

Abraham Sahgun
Abraham Sahgun

I f**** up. Real bad. I started this program back around late January. No contact ended sometime in the middle of February. Sent the elephant in the room text and got a positive reaction. For the past five months I have been rebuilding attraction. Very successfully, I might add. It’s been taking longer than expected, but the results have been good. We are at the point, or we WERE at the point (more on that in a bit) where we would be free for each other at any given time. We were texting and talking on the phone every single day, and seeing each other at least once a week. I had finally broken past the barrier where I can be as affectionate as I like, including little random pecks on the lips, and cuddling on the couch making out here and there during movies. We had sex for the first time again. It was great, and she responded well. I guess I made the mistake of… i dont even know….. getting TOO comfortable? I mean I got to the point where I was literally being affectionate with her all the time like a boyfriend. Hand on the lap, pecks, hugs, and she didn’t respond in a negative way, dont get me wrong. The problem was, as it was before (when we broke up) that she has a lot on her plate. And I mean a lot, financially struggling, an exhausting job (night shift mind you), she finally moved out on her own which caused an even bigger strain financially, her family lives in another country, and she is currently searching for a second job. So naturally, being affectionate, or reciprocating affection is the last thing on her mind. That being said, and long story short, my temper got the better of me when I started feeling neglected… again. I’m not proud of this, I am ashamed. I acted the same way I would act before. I was so certain I had left that part go during no contact. I know the whole point of no contact period is to work on myself and I did! I swear. Apparently it wasn’t enough? I’m not sure. But after being affectionate, cuddling, sex, the openness of sharing everything, to all of a sudden seeing her so distant again, I guess I just panicked. She was as she was when we were about to break up. NO EXCUSES. I fucked up, plain and simple. I exploded and we got in a fight. She said “you’re still the same.” Those words hurt. Felt like all my work and patience just completely derailed.. for nothing. Didn’t talk for a day. And I felt bad. I… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps a change in the way you treat her would be good this time around, but give her some space first. Start off slow, but aim to be the patient and loving boyfriend, especially if you know that she has a lot on her plate. Memories with you should be nothing but sweet, which at least gives her an incentive to turn to you after a tough day/stressful week/etc.

pocket55
pocket55

hi. i broke up with my ex girlfriend (2 weeks ago) for a second time after 7 months. We were together for 4 years now. In Oct last year, we broke up because of my mistake. i was rude to her when she did something i didn’t like, and it took me 1 month to get her back. i followed radio silence technique and be very persistent to make a point to text her every 2-3 days. one thing that helped was back then, she was working in a new company and her boss was emotionally abusive. i had the opportunity to be there for her and promised her i will change (and she acknowledges that during this break up that i’ve changed 90%). the reason for the break up is 1) she wants to explore herself as she’s only 25. we got together when she was 21. (i’m 30 right now). 2) she said she can’t forget the past hurt that i’ve caused her. 3) she said i’m a great guy, she still love me and will miss me as we’re part of each other already. 4) my dominant character has sort of overshadow her to be independent.

all said and done, i accepted this breakup gracefully and did not beg, pled, etc. to get her back. i was devastated for past 14 days up to now, and i recently found out she told our mutual friend that she feels my insecurity has gotten out of way (i was shocked because i didn’t show any sign or do anything to show her that). maybe once, where i ask why are u comparing my size with her gym friends. do u think me being smaller size has anything to do with ur gym friends who are so big in size? maybe its true i have some insecurities, but it HAS NOT gotten out of way. i was rude in that conversation.

now that everything is done and dusted. i’m devastated and i do not know how to go on with my life. i loved her so very much and i want to be back with her. please help me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might have to consider restarting the process of winning her back after the second NC (which should be longer than the first time), and in the meantime, focus on picking yourself up and working on the issues you felt could’ve been lacking which led to the breakup.

Emil
Emil

Hello!
So, to start with, I’m 22, my ex is also 22, our relationship lasted for 2.5 years, we lived 1 year together.
Anyway, she decided to breakup, cause she lost all her feelings(it was 1.5 month ago). After that, I made common mistakes, again and again, and in the end I told her: “I give you 1.5 month(till the end of the summer) to think about it all. If you contact me during this period, we will try to build healthy relationship, in other case, I will be lost for you as a person, you will have no opportunity to talk to me/see me etc.”. Now she is in another city(to visit parents, by the way, they are against me) abd she will be there for 3 weeks. My question is, how to make no-contact period after my words about “1.5 months”, while she knows, that I’m waiting for that? And I have no conversations with her for a week, and when she returns-it will be the end of no-contact, but will she think of me, while she will be on a vacation with her parents? Maybe I have to contact her before these 1.5 months end? Or should I write her and tell, that I decided to take my words about 1.5 month back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Although you’ve given her 1.5 months to decide, it doesn’t mean you can’t contact her after 1 month to slowly build a level of communication and spark with her again. That’s one alternative, otherwise, you could contact her at the end of the 1.5 months to see hear her decision and break the ice again from there.

Scott
Scott

Hi, I need some major help. I am 46 and found the woman of my dreams. Our relationship was great, but all of the sudden out of the blue she said that “she loves me, but is not in love with me”. I knew this was not the case by her actions, she was very loving, intimate, and by how she looked at me. that was on a Tuesday. I kept in contact with her for a couple days and found out that she was not in the same place I was in the relationship. She said that she felt nervous and rushed into the relationship and was not ready to take it to the next step. On Thursday, she broke it off with me and said she needed time to to think. Well, I was stupid and kept sending her messages and trying to talk to her because it was just such a shock to me, I was having a very hard time understanding. On Saturday, she blocked all my accounts and said she would contact me “If and when she was ready”. I have NO CLUE what to do now. Obviously there will not be any other contact unless she initiates it. I know I have to do the no contact now, but is it too late? Is there anything I can do to fix this? She gave me a whole 48 hours after the breakup to calm down and understand and give her the space she needs. PLEASE HELP!!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s common that someone continues to love a person even though they’re no longer in love. It simply means that the passionate feelings she might have once had for you has started to fade, but it doesn’t mean that she’s stopped caring about you altogether (which is why she still shows care and concern). I suggest figuring out what went wrong and where she started to lose her spark for you and see if you are able to re-ignite that spark again.

Karimi Beverly
Karimi Beverly

hello,

A while ago, my boyfriend told me he was done with me. That we could remain friends. I find it hard going to friendship from being lovers. Ok, so we still communicate, and Im welcome to his house, n even meet for coffee. I still love him but I think Im confused because whenever I try asking about “us” , he avoids the topic altogether. Is he just tagging me along as he looks for another lady? What should I do? Help a confused sister here.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Even when someone breaks up with another person, sometimes the habit of being together and talking remains there because the other person would probably feel the gap in his/her life just as much as the person they broke up with. However, understand that you’re on the losing end by accommodating to him because he is currently using your company to fill the void so that he doesn’t have to deal with the emotions himself, while you probably feel everything, from the hurt of seeing him but not being together, to the confusion of the situation. NC might be a better choice to deal with the breakup, and if he genuinely still wants to be friends after, you can take it from there to see how it progresses.

Zoi
Zoi

Hi my ex and I had been together for 3 years(last year of highschool to third year of college-different cities).I broke things of two months ago because we would get intimate rarely the last two month,and when I asked him why,he replyed that we both gained weight and he can’t see me as sexually as he used to, but he still didn’t want to break up and wanted to work things out,but I was too emotional to think about it then. For the next month after the breakup he still said he wanted me. We saw each other about two weeks ago, and he started being a bit weird… he said he still loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, but we can still have sex, or that he is sure that if we took our clothes right then and there we would have sex,or asking me how would i feel if he told me togive him a hug… I told him I still love him and I am not iterested in him being just someone I talk to and occationally have sex with,and if sex was what I wanted,I can find it anywhere I want. Then he started being friendly for a bit,then giving me the cold shoulder the next day. I looked sad and a bit clingy,but didn’t beg or acted needy. I recently learned from common a friend that he told her “if she doesn’t want me once,I don’t want her a hundred times” when she asked how are things between us. To this day we still keep in touch and are on very friendly terms (we used to be very good friends for years before we became lovers) and he usually reaches out,although I’m trying to take some disdance and don’t always reply him. I still want after all these things to be with him,and it’s not that I just miss him,or the idea of being in a relationship. I miss him for who he is. I really can’t understand if it is just a phase or he really doesn’t want me. I am willing to try work things out (but not changing my body or myself just to fit his standards as I would never demand that of him) if I see interest from his part,but his behaviour confuses me. what should I do? He is also coming back to our hometown for three days,and asked me to go out for drinks at a place we both used to work and I said ok… I am not sure if it was the right thing to do,or if he will friendzone me if I go out with him for drinks on… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would seem that he lost the interest in having a relationship with you, but doesn’t want to deal with the emotional hurt of going through a breakup, which was why he suggested occasionally talking and hooking up – in order to ease the transition. Also, he doesn’t seem very emotionally mature and even seems to be acting a little spiteful towards your rejection of sex but still remains conflicted with talking to you in order to not feel the gap at times. If he is still trying to meet up, perhaps he would still have the intention of wanting to hookup or perhaps even reconcile, but I would recommend some discretion on your part to at least ensure he is doing things for the right reason before you decide.

Nicole
Nicole

Hi!

I was in a long distance relationship and my ex did not feel like I was committed enough to making it work and I slowly began “ghosting” him, but still texted him sporadically over time. As a result he felt manipulated and he now feels as if he cannot trust me. I came to where he lives for an internship and after many conversations he decided that he wanted to see me. I asked him whats new in his life and he told me that he has a girlfriend of nine months, but did not tell me because I thought I would not meet up with him. We continued to text after and ended up seeing each other again and continued to talk after that. We had good conversations about what I did in the past and I allowed him to ask any questions that he needed so he could get closure. After this conversation things fizzled, but he will still text me a few times a day. I want to do no contact, but I am leaving the state and going back home in two weeks and feel that he still does not trust me. Any advice that you could give me?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No contact might be a better idea at this point since he is already in a relationship, and has not let go of the past yet to fully trust you. It may be difficult to swallow considering that you’re leaving and the urge to see him would definitely be strong, but it would be the healthier choice emotionally in the long run to take it slow.

Dee
Dee

Hi… I’m super nervous to post this. I am currently in ‘no contact’ – I haven’t spoken to my ex boyfriend since the break-up, which was about three weeks ago. Our relationship was incredibly close: we were together for two years, we had exchanged promise rings and often talked about our future (marriage, etc.)… I love him so much. He is a genuinely lovely, altruistic and romantic guy and we share so much in common, in terms of interests and values. He used to say I made him so happy, content and that I was his best friend, as well as his girlfriend. However, I have been suffering from undiagnosed mental illness for the past four years, due to a traumatic/abusive relationship I was in previously. I frequently got overemotional, scared of intimacy or potential abandonment or felt that I was undeserving of him, which meant that I often ‘sabotaged’ myself by pushing him away. My boyfriend really cared for me; my self-hatred and my fear meant that he constantly felt unable to support me and distant from me. A month before our breakup, we were both in a very stressful situation (exams, among other things) and a fight, over him saying something offensive on accident, led to me having a panic attack. Again, I tried to self-sabotage and said I wanted him to leave me which really hurt him. I was so apologetic and couldn’t stop blaming myself for his pain, but he was so cold to me. For a month leading up to the break-up, he barely spoke to me and we only saw each other once. We fought a lot, as I constantly tried to apologise or make amends but also got upset/angry that he would ignore me and the problem… Eventually, we had a massive fight that lasted hours over the phone and he broke up with me, saying that he was too scared and hurt to keep trying as he felt we would always have the same problems, over and over again. It hurt so bad, and I begged during the entire fight but left him alone immediately after the break-up, saying that I was sorry and that I would miss him and his family. He told me that despite us both loving each other, we couldn’t continue and that I would never get another chance. I accept that the break-up was the best decision as it served as the revelation I needed to get therapy. I have finally been diagnosed and am receiving help for my mental illness. I love him, genuinely, and I want to start a new, healthy relationship with him but he was so angry and hurt when I last spoke… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Focus on yourself for now and working through these issues. Maybe 30 days would be too short a time giving the circumstances to reconcile but you could always start off as friends first and see where that takes you. Perhaps start with an elephant in the room text and follow the guidelines in our articles on how to initiate contact with him.

Nicholas Glendenning
Nicholas Glendenning

Hello, I have a question that has been of concern to me. So I’m almost to the end of no contact, and I would like to send a short letter to wipe the slate clean… however, she has moved and I dont know the address. I made a mistake during the breakup involving social media and she blocked me on facebook… but is still open to texting. She and I work in the same city, maybe 5 minutes apart or less… so I thought maybe I could leave the letter on her car one night after i get off(but I am really worried that it’ll come off as creepy stalker), I dont think she’d even read an email, and we were together 9 months so I dont think texting would be my best option. Ideas?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, given the options you have left, it seems like texting is still the best way to bring your message across in the right tone. Leaving a note on her car would indeed come across as stalker-ish behavior and may lead to negative consequences despite your intentions.

Mar
Mar

My husband left me 6 months ago. He is dating some other girl. He’s been lying the whole time abor seeing someone. I finally got fed up and told him I want to divorce as that is absolutely crossing my boundary. I am hoping that this lights some fire under him as he has been telling me he doesn’t know what he wants for the past 6 months but thays because hes been seeing this girl. How do we make this work?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to let him realize the mistake on his own before he willingly decides to come back. Not every situation can be controlled when it comes to a relationship because it requires effort from both parties. If the relationship you had with him was a meaningful one, despite the downward cycle it has taken the past few months, he should begin to realize who he values more after some time apart from you.

Sandra
Sandra

I broke up with my ex about six months ago after a five month relationship. it was very intense and he was completely in love with me. However i wasn’t ready for such a serious relationship so I broke up with him. i tried to be friends with him but he started acting a little needy so i cut off contact with him. over the past few months i’ve realized that i am ready for a relationship with him because i really did love him and he never did anything to hurt me i just wasn’t ready at the time. I texted him the other day asking to be friends and later that day, my friend told me he was seeing someone. I want to respect the relationship but also want him to know that i am willing to wait for him and in the meantime i’ll do things that make me happy. Is this a good idea? I feel like she is a rebound. he told me i was the love of his life and that he never felt a connection with anyone else like he did with me so i find it hard to believe that he is serious about the girl he started dating shortly after our breakup. Nonetheless if he is i will back off but i also feel like what we had isn’t over yet.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could make known how you feel, and depending on how he responds, make a decision on your next course of action. If he has seemed to move on since the relationship (6 months ago), then it might be better for you to consider doing the same as well.

Shannon Smith
Shannon Smith

hello,

On the last day of our holiday this week my boyfriend expressed how he didn’t find us compatible and still loved me but not in the way to be with me anymore. He said he was feeling it for a while hoping the holiday would prove him wrong but an argument on holiday confirmed his feelings. He has changed his relationship status to hidden but has still kept it as in relationship with me. I love him and really want him back and agreed to being friends because I know he’s going through a lot of personal things. What do I do to win him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Follow the guidelines in our articles, and focus on building attraction with him again after giving both parties some space.

Gigi Cowell
Gigi Cowell

Hi.

I´ve been dumped five weeks ago, after almost 5 years relationship. My ex said he needs space and to find himself.

We did not have children together, but he has at very tight band to my children and are still coming to my daughters party tomorrow. She just graduated from highschool. Because of this I haven´t been able to do the NC, but I have tried to do limited NC, and not talk to him unless it was absolutely nessesary.

At first we were still talking some, but after two weeks I met him and his friend at the local club. We talked and my ex invited med to sleep at his house instead of calling my friend to pick me up. I refused and went home, and he texted me “goodnight” and how he couldn´t get his friend home, even before I had reach my home.

After that I told him to leave me alone because I needed to whitdraw from him, also in order to give him the space he was asking for, and he said that he hadn´t seen that much to me since we broke up. I insisted, and he respected it.I told him that I would contact him about the party. But last weekend he and his friend was out again, and now his friend texted me, asking med to come to the club. I refused again. Then I contacted my ex last Sunday to talk about the party, because he has some tables and chairs I could borrow for the party. He responded immediately, and have been written a few times after about how my daughter was doing, and he also showed up Monday when she had her last examen to celebrate her.

So tomorrow we are having this party, and I don’t know how to act around him during the party.

The thing is I want him back, but he hasn’t said anything about us getting back together. I don’t know if I should do a full NC starting after the party, or if I should go another way.

Please help me see the big picture here.

I apologize for my bad English, i´m from Sweden and just stumbled over your page here.

Hope you can help me.

Gigi

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s best to act naturally and just have a good time, while paying as little attention to your ex as possible. Focus on your other friends instead and your daughter, and if he still has feelings for you, he may even reach out after the party out of curiosity at why you didn’t show him any attention.

Michael Scarn
Michael Scarn

Does the letter have to be hand-written, or could I type it? My message is solid – warm, funny, expressing the right things but not going too far – but my hand-writing sucks. It’s only a few paragraphs (not even a page when typed), but after three attempts to write it by hand, I realize I have the handwriting of a child and it’s not so impressive.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could, as long as the mode of communication with her is something that isn’t too foreign for her.

Michael Scarn
Michael Scarn

Thank you!

Chan Li
Chan Li

I came across this website by accident and read through the article. I have been seeing a guy from Tinder for three months. The first two and half months of dating was perfect and I did not see any flaws on him,which makes me feel upset at the moment. We were always hanging out at the same area. I saw him with another woman the other night and was questioned him who she was. He explained it was just a friend but no one would believe such excuse. Ever since that night, we did not talk to each other any more. He texted me back yesterday saying he thought things went out of control and we both overreacted. I replied him saying that we may overreact but he did not say anything. He said he was also upset. I was heart broken and the saddest thing is I still like him. But on the other hand, I don’t want to approach him if he does care about me. What should I do? Should I move on? I always concerned of not able to find someone who is better than him. Please help.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

We always fear the thought of not being able to find someone better if we walk away from our current relationship, but the truth was he still went out with another female behind your back, and I’m sure it would be simple enough to find someone who at least won’t do that to you to begin with. However, this is also dependent on whether she was actually a friend or not, and why he decided to go behind your back to meet her.

sarah
sarah

I met a guy on a dating app and we hit it off right away, the first date we kissed and had a ton in common which is so rare for me. Things moved quickly from there and we were seeing eachother one a regular basis (2-3 times a week), texting daily and I stayed at his place every weekend. He planned great dates and would regularly follow up to make plans. Although on one hand I started to really fall for him, I did have some concerns about his communication. When I asked questions about his past, he was very vague about his previous relationships and closed off to discussing them. He also seemed not very experienced with dating/sex which I didn’t mind. He told me he had not had a girl friend in high school or university and had been single for 5 years (so most of his life he has been single). That is the most I got out of him. After 4 months of dating, he seemed to shy away from complimenting me or expressing any verbal feelings towards me. He never expressed liking me, or told me I was beautiful verbally. I thought perhaps it was a shyness issue? When I brought up not dating anyone else, he said although he had not been he had been thinking about us and was confused about what he wanted. If he wanted to focus on his career only or settle down. We seemed to be on totally different pages, I was only looking to have the security of confirming we were only seeing each other and trying to understand how he felt about me. He assumed I was asking for a serious relationship and said that the honeymoon stage was over and we needed to think about the future. I was only thinking about the present and was still happy getting to know him but needed to know how he felt about me as I felt alone with my feelings that I was expressing with no reciprocation. In the end I told him to take some space and figure out what he wants because I couldn’t continue to date someone that didn’t know how they felt about me. He ultimately took two weeks, and over the course of a few days worked up the courage to tell me that he wanted to focus on his career for the next few years and did not have that special feeling to invest more time in a serious relationship. I was blindsided at the time because I felt like he had put so much effort in to courting me, but tried to be mature. I told him that I think… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You may have felt like you were in the honeymoon stage, but different people come out of it after different time periods, so he may have no longer been in that phase already. Some guys can be like this (especially if they haven’t many relationships before), where they think too logically and realistically, and aren’t able to actually put themselves into an emotional sense of understanding their female partners better. You might honestly want to consider moving on and dating someone else, because he has seemed to disconnected himself from you already, and may have even moved on the moment he broke up with you.

sarah
sarah

I guess I get in to the honeymoon stage later, for me it takes time me and he seemed to be in it in the beginning and I was holding back because I was unsure. Yes, I did feel emotional distance from him during the last month but he kept following up and making plans and we continued to spend our weekends together that were so much fun. But missing the big elephant in the room, which was discussing what we are. I should also mention we are in our 30’s so I am just surprised that if he finally met someone that he connects with that he would just leave to abruptly just because I brought up deleting the dating app. I just thought there was a real connection between us and if he would just open up more I could see a future with him.

Eugene
Eugene

So, my question is this. I’ve discovered this information only recently, and my ex left me late last year. The winter and early spring was rough, and I broke a lot of rules. I finally tried no contact as long as possible, and didn’t contact her from April till June. I’ve done a lot of self improvement, but when I broke and finally reached out to her, I think I might have screwed up the process somehow. I haven’t even brought up our past at all, and have been trying just small talk here and there, but she seems to be withdrawing from me again. Should I try the no contact period again? Or is there some other way I can right the course of the process to give myself the best chance of doing things the right way?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Sometimes, there may not be anything you would’ve done to screw the process up, but she simply isn’t ready to talk to you regardless and may even think you have ulterior motives, resulting in her defensive and withdrawing behaviors. Typically when this happens, it means that it is still too soon to be contacting her and you may want to give her more time.

Eugene
Eugene

Does this help or hurt my chances? Should I wait another full 30 days or just see if she says anything back to me and go from there? When would the elephant letter be a good idea on this case?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Probably give it another 2-3 weeks to even a month if you have to, considering that its been some time since the break up but she still doesn’t seem ready. You could send the elephant in the room letter after this NC, and if she does not respond positively towards you still, you might seriously want to consider letting go instead, because she may simply not be interested anymore.

Eugene
Eugene

Thank you, and I understand. I’m gonna process as much info as I can from this site in the mean time and focus on improving myself and hopefully when things are right it will go much better.

Julia
Julia

Can you become close friends with your ex? My ex broke up with me but we were best friends. He is with someone new but is still contacting me. I don’t know if it’s just for friendship or does he miss our relationship? He sends me messages about our serie that we watched together, but the conversation is short and not deep at all. I still love him, and I don’t know what to do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may not be possible at the start, especially when the breakup was recent and memories of the relationship are still filled in both party’s heads. He could be contacting because he misses you to a certain extent but is conflicted and distracted by his new relationship, resulting in him acting this way towards you. Depending on how recent, I would suggest going into NC for now to give each other some space first.

Julia
Julia

It has been 7 months, we had no contact.. I told him lately I don’t want him in my life anymore. He said he was going to try to not contact me, but he sends me messages. I don’t know what to think and what to do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you don’t want him in your life anymore, you could always decide to ignore these texts or even block the number if its a persistent attempt.

Julia
Julia

But the problem is that we are in the same group of friends..I cannot cut off everyone? And somewhere I still love him and want him back but I don’t know if it’s good for me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You don’t have to cut off your friends, but for the start perhaps meet them separately if you want to meet them, and even if you have to face your ex in the same group, avoid small talk with him and use that opportunity to perhaps even show him that you’re doing well and not struggling after the break up.

Jenny
Jenny

My ex boyfriend are both in our mid-20s and dated for 6 months until he broke up with me out of the blue when I came back from a vacation almost two months ago. He did it via text, blaming it on mental health issues and two days later called me to meet up and talk about it. The whole time he was being extremely affectionate. I told him we could be friends but saw him on tinder that night and told him that was hurtful and cut contact. I realized that I had been acting insecure and reactive towards him and focused on being a more laid-back and positive me. Almost 4 weeks later I contacted him via text. He responded positively and I called him that week and he said he would love to hang out, then went cold on me when I tried to confirm plans. I saw him at the bar that night with other girls and kept my cool going up to him asking how he’d been, then went back into no contact after he ignored my text for a day. A couple weeks later I called him in a moment of weakness but he didn’t answer. He texted me that morning though and we started chatting a bit via text and Snapchat for a few days, and I asked him to hang out. We hung out at his place and just watched tv and talked. I felt confident and he seemed nervous. It seemed to be going great and he was heavily flirting with me, reminiscing and talking about future plans. I was sweet but playing it cool and being skeptical, not flirting too much. After I left he texted me thanking me for seeing him, telling me how awesome and sexy I am. The next day I called him to get lunch but he didn’t answer and texted me 20 mins later saying he was coaching and we had a quick, positive convo. That was a week and a half ago now and he’s ignored a text I sent him of a funny video the other day. Then, last night he posts a Snapchat of himself with another girl, which he never posts them. Did I scare him off for good with initiating too much contact? What’s the best course of action? I want to give it another chance because we had a loving relationship.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Instead of focusing too much on whether you initiated too much contact, perhaps consider what is going through his mind right now, and whether he is actually taking things seriously or not, because it seems like he is interested in flirting around and dating other people at the same time.

Beth
Beth

Hi! I was dating this guy (unofficially because we never really discussed labels) for about a month. He’d text me every single day and we’d talk for hours. We had amazing chemistry and common interests. He said he found me very interesting and he’d always ask so many questions about me. We hung out a handful of times and had a great time together (no sex -although we did get somewhat “intimate” during our last date). After I got home that day I sent him a message along the lines of “I’m not a F**k buddy” because it seemed to me in that moment that all he wanted was to get physical. I immediately regretted the message because I realized how mean and out of the blue it’d seem to him (plus, he hadn’t really treated me like someone just you want to sleep with). However, he read the message before I could delete it from the WhatsApp conversation and everything changed at that point. He got upset and shot down, I panicked and sent him more messages and called him about 6-7 times during the 24 hours that followed. I wanted to verbally apologize so badly. When he finally answered after two days he told me that he “wasn’t as interested as he was before” and that he had ended longer relationships because of the way someone spoke to him. He also said he missed his friends (he works a lot and only has free time on the weekends) so he’d prefer to hang out with them. He said we could still hang out because he finds me a very “unique girl” but essentially made it sound like it’d no longer be a priority of his. Hearing all of this broke me in pieces because I really like him and any form of rejection is always hard. I didn’t yell or call him names or anything, I just apologized and told him I understood what he was saying. After that conversation I did no contact for 10 days (fearing that doing it longer would not be a good thing since our relationship had only been going on for a month) and then reached out to him via Instagram message. The message was short and relevant (about some interest of his) and he replied immediately, we engaged in some conversation via message about some things I’m doing at the moment .. and then that was it. I reached out again after two days with another “non threatening” text about some specific thing I’m doing now during my vacation.. but this time he didn’t reply, it’s been a whole day and he hasn’t even seen the message (Instagram shows that the… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, the fact that he found you a unique girl shows that he feels differently towards you, or at least did at one point. However, for some people, it is very easy for them to disconnect and disassociate themselves the moment they decide to, and if he decided upon that, may have even started to lose feelings for you as well. My suggestion would be to give it another week or two to see if he responds, before contacting him once more. If he still does not seem to be interested or does not reply, perhaps consider the idea of moving on, because it might end up becoming a painful process to try and wait it on someone who doesn’t seem to be interested.

anonomous
anonomous

Hello. Things moved very fast for my ex and I. We moved in together after only a couple months and a couple months after that we found out I am pregnant. I am almost five months pregnant and he broke up with me two weeks ago. I moved out and am living with my mom until I can find a place of my own. Initially I begged him to give us another chance and said we could work it out and he said he has enough and that he quit caring. 90% of it was my fault. I was so stressed out and nervous that I was taking it out on him. He started getting more distant and drinking a lot more. How long should I wait to tell him I now realize that most of this was because of me and I’m sorry. I honestly see what I was doing wrong and would like him to know I realize that and want to fix it. Being pregnant just adds even more stress to the situation. I truly do think we could get passed this but he doesn’t want anything to do with me right now..

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Under the normal circumstances, one month would be the advisable time to wait before contacting your ex again. I would suggest trying for the same period and using this time to focus on loving yourself right now, especially with the pregnancy on its way. However, given the current circumstances and if one month is too long, at least wait 2-3 weeks to see if he comes around eventually.

anonomous
anonomous

I understand that I caused a lot of the fighting but how does someone just quit caring about someone they use to love who is carrying their child? It seems like he hates me. I’d like to ask him these things but I know I shouldn’t and honestly he probably wouldn’t even respond. Hopefully waiting 30 days will help but I’m feeling pretty hopeless at this point

glenda
glenda

I recently dated someone who seemed to love and accept me more than anyone ever had before. He was unbelievably caring and always looked after me. He was almost over the top in his affection and seemed to wanna get serious very fast. He continued being very affectionate for the entire relationship but I noticed in the last few weeks he was making less and less time for me and started having occasional cranky moments where he seemed judgemental or said he felt pushed into things. One day we had an argument because he felt something I’d done that was completely unrelated to him was wrong, and I disagreed. After an argument where i tried to defend my actions and he disagreed, he suddenly ended things and refused to talk to me for over a week. We had agreed to always be good friends if we ever broke up and stay close, so after he started talking again I treated him like a close friend and I tried to find out why he’d broken up with me so i could clarify anything id done to upset him. He will not give me a proper reason and I don’t know why. He’s given me all these really vague hints about how I “have really hurt him” but wont say how, i “don’t accept him”, something about how I’ve apparently lied to him (I havent) but he refuses to tell me what I’ve lied about, says he doesn’t trust me “with anything”,says we “never made sense” when a month earlier he seemed madly in love with me, says he doesn’t have enough time or patience for me (which somehow wasn’t much of an issue when we first started dating despite his busy life) and has told me I should be able to figure out the reason myself. I have no idea where this is all coming from and am totally bewildered and so confused what I did wrong. I pushed him repeatedly to give me a reason because I was absolutely devastated at not knowing why, and of course it just made him more distant and agitated. I’ve finally decided to calm down and stop pushing and go no contact and try to attract him back… but what I don’t understand is….if he does come back … how do people get trust back after something like that? How do people forgive their best friend and greatest supporter for suddenly dumping them and refusing to say why, even when they saw that not being given a reason was killing them? How do I ever feel safe with him again after that? How do I ever get over the really mean things he started… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to understand that being good friends have nothing to do with the relationship once you get involved with each other and promises to remain good friends should the relationship fail simply holds no value anymore. As for the reason why he broke up with you, it often is due to taking the other party for granted, and growing intolerant to that person over time. This results in one party feeling tired of being in the relationship and simply pushing blame and thinking whatever the other person does is wrong.

lara
lara

I have a bit of an issue with a guy I was seeing about a year ago. We had a crazy thing between us for 3 years where we fought a lot. Eventually he completely cut me out of his life for 3 months, stopped taking calls and blocked me on social media, saying he’d had enough. We didn’t speak at all.

A few months ago he unblocked me of his own accord one day. We started talking again and he was very resentful and moody at first and didn’t really wanna talk and accused me of ruining things between us, but over time he calmed down and started getting flirty.

I’m now stuck. We talk often and he regularly gets flirty (though he still has resentful moments), and we don’t fight at all anymore and haven’t for months. We have a lot of banter where we playfully tease each other as well. However, if I ask to meet, he says no, and explains that he believes we are only getting along well because he is “keeping me at arm’s length” and that if we get closer we will fight like we used to.

I’ve dated two other men since him, plus ive had shorter flings, I’ve have had a lot of time to detach and relax and feel FAR less needy around him… I think things could be better this time and that I wouldn’t be as emotionally reactive as I used to be with him, but he flat out says doesn’t believe that. He used to tell me in the past that i had no idea how strongly our fights used to affect him – so now he doesnt want any chance of going back there and hes happy just keeping it light and friendly but distant. How can I get past his resistance about meeting? I believe that if we meet once or twice he will see things are better and calm down… but I can’t get that initial meeting to happen

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re probably going to have to give it time until he is ready at least to meet up. There’s no telling for certain how long it would take, but sometimes pulling away could be an effective way of getting him to realize that you’re important and he chases after you or could even end up requesting to meet up on his own accord for fear of losing you.

Kim
Kim

We dated for over 8 months. Everything seemed like we were going in a good direction. We both introduced each other to family. Which is huge and serious. But one day after a small argument he tells me that we should break up. Out of the blue. Said that he’s feelings for me changed that he didn’t see us in the future that we should be friends. I think that he has commitment issues since he’s never been able to keep a long relationship before me. We always made it a joke and now that joke has me hurting. Last time I talk to him we had a civil conversation where I kinda pleaded to him that we should try some mire that things can work. He said give him time to think and that he’ll text me. It’s been a week. What’s going through his mind? What should I do? Is it over for good? Did he tell me he’ll think about it just to be nice? Will he ever come back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re probably going to have to give it a little more time, before trying to contact him again for an answer if not he may think of you as too desperate. Often though, a guy wouldn’t really ‘think’ about it, but instead shut off from the negative thoughts and distract themselves with other things so you’ll probably still have to check in eventually. You’re also going to have to understand what made him suddenly feel this way (that you’re both not going to work out), and if it was something that happened overnight or were there underlying feelings of unhappiness on his end that led him to build his thoughts in this manner.

Kim
Kim

I’m trying to find out and figure out why he got to the point he got of feeling that way but he won’t tell me. He said he was happy. How do I get him to tell me if he won’t even talk to me or express his emotions

Dupin086
Dupin086

Hello, been reading through the posts and I would be very thankful for some insight on my situation. My ex(27f) and I (31M) had avery intense but short relationship (3 months, even though we liked each other for longer than that). At the time of the breakup she started having a lot on her plate, studying something new, working on a project and starting work practices all at the same time, and then it was me, being afraid of losing her and showing it sometimes, I was making her stressed in a time where she needed space and support and ended up breaking up with me. I got into an emotional mess and during the break up day I tried everything, text, mails…She got fed up and blocked me. So she did the break up and the no contact…After 3 weeks I sent a text saying that I was sorry for things went and that I would really like to talk with her, I also said that I missed my best friend (refering to her), it’s not like I want to friend zone myself but we started out being best friends and I know that’s an important thing for her. She said that once she finishes everything she was doing we would talk, that she needed space for herself…And the same day she did finish I noticed that she did unblock me. I didn’t initiate that day, but the day after and late like 8 or 9pm, being casual, asking how the studies and the project went. She was very short and I congratulated and she replied with a simple “thanks”…Then she asked me about my day an hour later. We did talk for a bit and she was talkative, I was able to say that I was doing therapy to overcome my fears, that I knew the origin of them now and afterwards I just said sorry to her for what hapenned between us and she was like “it is ok now, things happen for a reason, you have to look forward now and be happy with yourself”, things like that…I did leave it for a bit but I told her that there were a thousand things I wanted to tell her but that I knew I had to shut up, and she said “I told you, once I finish up we could talk, if you are going to feel better do tell me”, and I told her that I would like to meet in person to talk and she agreed. Now I’m keeping LC. Yesterday I sent her a joke in the morning and she just replied with smily emotes. Today she initiated to say that “confirmed, we… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since she may honestly be expecting you to come across as intense and want to have a serious conversation, perhaps it might be better to do the opposite and start by being light hearted and while addressing some of the issues during the breakup may be needed, at least ensure that she has a good time and that stress isn’t added onto her plate now or she wouldn’t even want to consider the idea of getting back together. By letting her enjoy the weekend (and date with you so to speak), you at least ‘show’ her with your actions that you’re capable of change and that you understand how stressed she is and you just wanted to help her unwind – which could work a lot more positively in your favor than having a serious talk.

Dupin086
Dupin086

Well she did say she came ready to have a hard time and so at first it was difficult for both of us, we ended up laughing and she grabbed my arm and everything at the end of the day so I guess she ended up relaxing and enjoying herself, said she was glad to have seen me…She said she won’t have a relationship with me but agreed to continue to meet up and that after I expressed my true intentions and feelings, that I was commited to change, that I loved her and that I didn’t gave up that dream, so we did have an intense talk first thing and then we just enjoyed each other’s company. So I guess…There’s hope there. In my opinion now I have to continue improving myself, being a friend for her like when we started and just be trully patient. While I wasn’t expecting to get back together right there and then it went well I think, now I can see her again and continue to show her that I’m commited to real change and that I’m there.

Thanks for your answer!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

All the best. As long as you remain patient, and avoid putting pressure on her, while continuing to build a positive connection with her bit by bit, the chances of winning her back eventually is definitely there.

Anon
Anon

My partner and I separated after 4 years together in January. We have an 18 month old baby boy together.

He broke things off with me and the same day he was contacting a mutual friend/backpacker who worked on the farm with us. She was traveling for 3 months but they were in contact every day and by February had said “I love you”, as well as making future plans such as moving away together and getting married.

I was still sleeping with him during this time in the hope of getting back together… When the other girl returned they were sleeping together but he didn’t tell me! They then broke it off and he came back to me to try and sort things out.

We have always been in contact and I think I have broken every rule listed on here! He wanted space to clear his head but I have constantly messaged him as I don’t want to lose him. I do want to get him back and last week he suggested that we move back in together to give it another go.

On Monday, I brought up the other girls name and it ended up in a big argument. I have major trust issues now after what has happened but he doesn’t understand! The same girl is working with him AGAIN. He has since called it off with me and has started messaging her again. He says I have pushed him too far this time and I am stressing him out with mentioning things that have happened. That I ruin everything and there is no going back.

What should I do now? Do I just leave it and move on or do you think there is any chance of us sorting our relationship out in the near future?

Thanks xx

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, at this point he does not seem apologetic at all for cheating on you and leaving you for another person, so there’s honestly no point in making an effort on your part to mend things because it would only reinforce that his behavior was not wrong. Even if you did manage to win him back, the same issue may occur again, as he does not do anything to make it up to you, and you remain with trust issues, which would eventually lead to the same type of breakup happening.

Tien
Tien

I asked my friends if these “How to win your ex-girlfriend back” videos are true and do us guys have a chance of doing so. My girlfriend of 5 months broke up with me a week ago. We texted back and forward and she said she felt like we aren’t right for each other. We came back from a trip from Arizona and she said while we were visiting her sister my behavior opened up her eyes and she saw me differently. She said she felt like I was isolating myself from her sister and her sister’s husband, which I wasn’t. She felt like I didn’t want to be there. I DID want to be there with her. Of course I did. I didn’t know what set that off. I felt the cold shoulder she was giving me half way through the trip and my mood change so I began to felt moody as well and that made things worst, but of course I didn’t ignore her sister and her sister’s husband. I was trying to focus more on what is setting her mood differently. We came back from the trip and she texted me when she got home that she needed time to think and through text she told me she was upset with me during the trip. She said she need space and didn’t want to text me, so I skipped a full day of text and the day after she texted me to end things. I emailed her and texted that I love her very much and I believe we as a couple we go through bumps the first few months and if we love each other we can make it work. Correct small things early to get through bigger things in the future. She said she made up her mind and she isn’t going to change it. She said she love me still but we’re not meant to be. I know this is long but wanted to get all the details out. Does it look good and do I have a chance still? I want to have hope and faith that we will get back after I give her more time. She said time won’t make a difference. Was she saying that because it was in the moment or does she really need more time to re think things? I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I JUST CAN’T LET IT GO.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re going to have dig a little deeper and try to understand what caused her sudden change of heart. Often, unless the person has commitment issues and is always looking for a way out of the relationship, thoughts of not working out usually don’t develop overnight and have larger underlying issues tied to it, just that the other party may not have brought it up. Your chances are dependent on what this underlying issue is, and whether its something that can be resolved or not to win her back.

Alexandra VanBiesbrouck
Alexandra VanBiesbrouck

Hello. My name is Alli and I was with my boyfriend for about 4 years. He broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago because he found out I had been using his debit card to get my nails, buy clothes and also pay for my car. I never stole his card though. He would always give it to me on the weekends to go to the grocery store and buy booze if we were having people over. He makes a lot more money they I do so he never had an issue with it. He also gave me his PIN and trusted me. I honestly did not spend a lot but once he found out he kicked me out. At first I was so sad and still am but I now know what i did was beyond awful and a breach of trust. He did the right thing and I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. He told me that he cares and loves me but If i truly care for him I will give him space and he will reach out when ready. I have no contacted him since then. I want to everyday but I know if I do then I am showing him I do not care about how he feels. He told his parents we are broken up but did not tell them what I did. I am very close with them by the way. He still has all of our pics up on social media and so do I and his parents. I was too ashamed to tell him I was falling behind on my car and embarrassed and thought he wouldn’t want to be with me if he found out. I want to pay him back but he says its not about the money it is the trust. His good friend told me after a month to take him to dinner and show him everything I have accomplished (saving money and working on myself). He has handled this entire thing so classy because he could have told everyone what I did or told me to never reach out to him or that we are done forever but he didn’t. I know you dont know me or him or us but I want to know what you think. We have never had any huge fights like this before or broken up. We are happy and have so much chemistry together. We both cried when I had to get my stuff and move back into my dads. I know it was very tough for him. Hes such a genuine, good guy that I dont want to lose him or his… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Right now, give him the space he has requested for and spend this time doing what his friend had advised (working on yourself and making changes to your life). You can’t control the timing on when he reaches out to you, but the least you could do is show him that you’re sincere about making it up to him and have made efforts in taking the first step forward. He may not forgive you entirely, but at least he knows you’re sincere about fixing things and may decide to give things another shot.

Alexandra VanBiesbrouck
Alexandra VanBiesbrouck

Thank you so much for the advice. I ended up sending a text two days ago just to check on him (nothing emotional) but I know I shouldn’t have. He then last night blocked me on Instagram and deleted most of our pics. I think that is a nice way of saying leave me the heck alone until I am ready. Just very shocked after 4 years. But I will hold strong. Hopefully things will work out for the best.

Liz
Liz

I did the 30 days no contact but he call me the last day of no contact. And I spent the night at his house. Then he stopped contacting me again.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could try initiating contact with him, if he does not reply you, go back into NC for another 2-3 weeks.

Danni
Danni

Hi, so like so many others my boyfriend just broke up with me 3 days ago. My mind is definetly in the overreacting stage. We’d been going out for 8 months and honestly it was fantastic, I’ve never felt like somebody loved me as much as he did. I would wake up to “good morning, just a quick reminder that I love you” texts every now and then, and we never really left the honeymoon phase. So 4 weeks ago I went on holiday and he called me saying he missed me and when I got back he seemed very genuine in the missing me and loving me. Last time I saw him 2 weeks ago everything was as normal, very loving to each other, but just kinda curled up on the couch because I had some period pain. I apologised for not really doing anything with him that day and he said “I just feel weightless holding you and being with you, don’t worry.” The next week he began phasing me out over text (usually we would message everyday) until a week ago he shut me out completely saying he had family and work issues. I finally break his silence and he comes over and breaks up with me. He told me that it had been on his mind constantly for the past 2 weeks and everyone said noticed the anxiety change in him. He said he couldn’t sleep because he didn’t know what to do. When I asked why he said it was just all in his head and he couldn’t get it out. He said that it was him and not me and thanked me for being the best girlfriend he’s ever had… all the time he seemed emotionless and hugged me loosely. I was/am devestated, from my point of view nothing happened or changed and he was extremely out of character. Even his friends and family messaged me after saying how shocked they were and asking how I was. Of course I want him to come back and say it was a mistake but I don’t know if he will. I havnt contacted him since but his best friend wants to meet me for coffee next week… so do I meet her and break the no contact rule? Also is there a point? I don’t want to try for something that clearly won’t happen. I just need some outsider advice 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This seems like something that can be salvaged, since everyone on his side is equally as shocked and his best friend has even asked to meet you. Perhaps go meet her and hear her out before deciding on what to do next, because it might honestly not be something you did, but something he developed (anxiety, etc) and may need help.

Jenny
Jenny

After no contact, my ex and I have spoken here and there for a couple weeks (mostly initiated by me) and we finally hung out for the first time the other day when I texted him asking to. He seemed nervous at first but we had a good time and he was reminiscing on our past times a lot, also heavily flirting. I was only a little flirty and didn’t bring up the relationship. He also suggested future times we should hang out several times, and we were having fun. After I left he texted me thanking me for hanging out with him, saying how sexy and awesome I am. He stopped responding but we exchanged a few snaps. The next day I called him intending to ask to get lunch but he didn’t respond and texted me 20 mins later saying he was working. We had a brief conversation that he initiated and I haven’t talked to him since. Am I overthinking or did I totally scare him off by calling the next day? Should I wait for him to contact me?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could wait for him to contact you or contact him again after giving it some breathing room, depending on which you feel more comfortable doing. Either way, I would suggest probably giving it some space now to not come across as overbearing.

Par
Par

Hi. My ex bf broke up with. Me about 6 weeks ago after about 4 yrs. We had a colse emotional and physical connerction, at least i felt so, and our relaionship was gettind great the last 4 month and we had a plan to marry. But suddnly he said that he can’t do it anymore, he said he had cheated on me several times with meaningless sex bcz he wasn’t satisfied with our sex, he said i could never accept him and kept arguing with him frequently(i agree i was so insecure) and he said he became who i wanted but didn’t. Give him what he wanted so he wasn’t happy and he was always stressful. Siad his good behavior recently was because he didn’t want to upset me and was fake- which i dont believe. He says he loves me but love is not enough and he behaved me really nice when i was acting crazy till now. I do regret my behavior and i want him back. I wish he doesnt give up hope for me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Use this article as a guideline on what you should be doing, and improve on the areas you were lacking (insecurities, etc) before considering trying anything again. He could be right, but keep in mind that his cheating behavior is still wrong as long as he was in a relationship with you regardless of his reason. He could have expressed and communicated with you regarding what he felt instead of cheating just because he didn’t feel satisfied with the sex. Do think about the entire situation and relationship, and decide for yourself whether he is right (about your shortcomings as a reason to break up) or just being unreasonable and finding excuses.

Roger
Roger

Me and my girl were together for a 1 month but not officially. We both say “I love you”, we cuddled, hug, kiss, go out together, everything does like it is relationship kind a thing. At first all things were fine but there are some imperfections and flaws of mine, like not giving her enough attention, not communicating about our needs and wants, and acting like a jerk sometimes that she accepts it at first because she loves me. But things get out of control, I repeatedly started those things she doesn’t want me to do again. I screwed things up over and over again, she gets really angry and said i was too immature of my age, btw i’m 19 yo and she is 18. At the end of the month she started to act cold and i am comforting why did she acted like that she told me that she didn’t like my behaviour and got turned off by how i act, she even felt sorry for getint tired of us because of my behaviour. Then she reason out why it came at end then i went nuts, begging, pleasing, that i am gonna fix it right away and begging her to stay. I got no reply. Should i pursue her? Or move on and improve myself?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Definitely focus on improving yourself first before trying to win her back again. However, since you’ve been together only for a month there may be a possibility that she would move on so you’ll have to prepare for that. Use this as a learning curve on where you’re lacking and work on improving yourself, and if you want to win her back after, you should treat it as if you were chasing her for the first time.

Charlotte
Charlotte

Hi Kevin,

I have recently read your article today and it’s helped me so much. I have been on/off with my ex for nearly 2 years. I done the break up. He told me a few weeks ago that I needed to move on and he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I panicked and started coming out with feelings. I didn’t realise that it was wrong and practically started begging. I’m sticking to the 30 day challenge but I mistakenly messaged him this morning miss reading your article and said I wouldn’t be contacting him for a while and I’ll message him at some point again. Is that wrong that I said that? That’s all I said. I will be messaging him again in mid July just to see what he says about meeting up again and see if he agrees. We kind of need a break and I definitely need this as I have been such a mess. I wish I found this article sooner as I was really unhappy and we panicked because we didn’t want to lose each other. Maybe it’s over now for good, but I need this challenge to make myself feel better and start thinking of myself for a change.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s always better to be late than never realizing the mistakes made at all. You definitely didn’t ruin your chances or made a mistake in texting him about no contact, and as you’ve said, no contact should ultimately be for your benefit as its meant to pick yourself up from the breakup and become a better version of yourself, which should in turn convince your ex to come back when he sees the changes.

Imogin
Imogin

My ex broke up with me two weeks ago, because of a text I sent him AND he broke up with me over the phone. We have broken up maybe ten times already this year and I am honestly so drained. He is extremely controlling, jealous, possessive, obsessive and verbally and mentally abusive. But HE broke up with me after I put up with all those horrible traits he has. But for some reason, this break up hit me real hard. HEs not the same guy I met in the beginning and I’m starting to think THIS is really who he is. He said he won’t change and that there is nothing wrong with him and that this is all my fault. I have become obsessive like him and I’m feeling so lonely and sad, over someone who once even called me a whore because he has zero trust in me, and I have always been honest and loyal to him. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to get out of the house and do things that I like but I’m feeling a little depressed over it. I don’t know he still has this much power over me. I even called him crying and screaming telling him I’m having a hard time over this break up and I think he’s getting a kick out of it. I feel like he stole my mojo cuz I used to be so tough in the beginning. Now …. I lost my female balls and I feel like I will never find someone again who will love me like he did. But why would I want someone to love me the way he did when clearly it was a toxic love. Any advice on how I can get myself back? I’m more concerned about getting my balls back rather then him. I apologize for the language but this is the best way I can’t describe what I feel. He controlled me so much that even without him I still feel like I’m under his control. Any advice please?!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

First and foremost, cut all contact with him and even block him on social media or messaging apps if necessary. If you want to regain your composure, the first thing you need to do is stay as far away from this toxic relationship and the cause of the toxicity in the first place. Its inevitable that we become less than who we usually are in toxic situations because of the constant negativity, and in order to regain control of yourself and your usual self, these are areas you should avoid coming in contact with.

WT
WT

Me any ex dated for over a year. He recently stopped communicating with me about four months ago. He will not give me a reason to his decision. I’ve begged and pleaded the last four months. He responds periodically but will not answer directly if he has broken up with me. My question is simply “are we done” “are we not dating anymore” etc. he never responds to those questions of why but if I say good morning or something general he will respond (sometimes) but takes hours to do so. I’ve just recently started to use the no contact rule, since yesterday. I do desire to be with him but I’m so emotional and I think I need to get myself together and calm down. I imagine he has started a relationship with someone else but he won’t answer that question either. Do you think it’s a chance after the 30 days that this situation has a chance? I will with all my might not contact him and work on being stronger regardless if we rekindle or not. Our relationship was good, not strong though we’ve never had major issues I do realize the lack of communication with each other if there were issues. What are your suggestions to this? Thank you

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Someone who’s been acting this way obviously has something to hide. I don’t recommend wasting your time, since he won’t give you anything to go on and does not want to deal with any emotional topics and only makes casual small talk with you. He’s supposed to be your partner, but if he’s acting this way, you should move on too and not allow yourself to go through this emotional trauma and uncertainty.

Michael Tellez
Michael Tellez

Hi there, I have been reading tons of advice you guys offer to permanently get your ex back and recently me and my ex broke up 1 year and 8 months into the relationship. We broke up because she said that I didn’t love myself, which I realize this now because I had so many insecurities that caused the energy between us to go downhill with my jealousy, trust issues, and depression. I realize all of mistakes now but the 1st week after our breakup I was super needy and desperate, I would contact her and make up lies to just see what she was doing and just to talk to her. I have recently started the no contact with her hoping that maybe she will miss me when she is wondering what I am up to. She told me that I need to move on and just do things that I wouldn’t be able to do in relationship such as flirt with other girls, go to certain type of parties, talk to my friends constantly and to just have fun period. She says she has faith with us but she has no idea when she will feel ready to go back into a relationship with me. She also said I have to move on and let go and come back when I have a chance, “To let the bird fly away and if it’s meant to be then the bird will fly back.” I am just worried because from the looks of it she has already moved on, went to three parties already, and I know she is talking to this guy. I accept that she is doing all of this because I know she just wants to have fun because I used to be manipulative and controlling. I know all of my mistakes now and during this no contact period I want to work on myself and love myself. I accept the fact that if my ex don’t want to get back together that I shouldn’t sweat about it because I will find someone else, but she has made such a huge impact in my life that I just simply choose to be with her. She simply made me happy but I didn’t make her happy. What could I do to fix all of this and perhaps start a new relationship in the future. I wont see her for 8 months because I will be in the army then after that I will be attending the same college as her. I hope that by the time I come back she will be single and had the fun she wanted to have so I can talk to her about… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since winning her back in the next 8 months will be beyond your control, I suggest not thinking about winning her back for now and as she’s said, to simply move on for now and to just focus on yourself instead. If the relationship was a meaningful one to both parties, the opportunity would always present itself again in the future, and should you want to give it another shot at that time, then you can always consider things again.

Linda
Linda

Hi me and my boyfriend of 9 months just broke up. It was an out of the blue break up that left me confused and shocked. Everything seemed good to me we had only gotten into one disagreement the whole time we were together. But our relationship was hard. He worked the graveyard shift so we only got to see each other on the weekend. During the week our schedules were opposite. When I worked he slept and vis versa. So we would try to communicate as much as we could right before the other one would go to work. He met my family enjoyed time with. Literally was hanging out with them the weekend before and out of the blue one night he told me we should break up. That he felt like he couldn’t be the boyfriend I needed and that he felt we hit a Plateau. That he felt that he should be feeling a certain way by now but wasn’t. I.e. his longest relationship was 8 months before me and he’s 36. I miss him and want him back I don’t understand why this happened out of no where.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Males can sometimes have this tendency where we internalize our thoughts and emotions too much, that something may be bothering him but he never said it out, and in the end only acted upon his feelings without really giving you a chance to explain or understand what was going through his mind. Perhaps you could ask him and try to find out what it is, and whether its something that can be worked on together.

Linda
Linda

Well I ended up dropping off his stuff and even though he didn’t agree to talk to me that night he said that we could talk the next day. So we set up a time and I came over and we talked. Our conversation didn’t really seem like it went anywhere. Seemed like the exact conversation he gave me the night he ended things. But checking out his apartment everything was the same. He still had a puzzle we put together on the floor, my dogs chew toy in the corner, and our framed pictures and ticket memory box right next to the tv. Am I reading into things that there’s still a chance since he hasn’t tossed any of that or hid it away.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I wouldn’t recommend you get your hopes up simply based on this, as there’s a chance that he just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. Reading too much into the little things and getting your hopes up may result in your disappoint when it turns out to not be the case, and may even accelerate his actions (i.e getting rid of the things) if you bring it up.

Linda
Linda

I totally understand that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But in all honesty do I have a chance at all of him reaching out to me one day? Or should I just face it that he just doesn’t want to be with me. I know he said he’ll think about it but I feel like it was just something nice to say.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would really depend on the type of person he is, but perhaps for now just go with NC as found in our articles, and focus on loving yourself first. Pick yourself up from the breakup, and if he contacts you again it would be a bonus. Sometimes a guy doesn’t know what he’s lost until he’s actually lost it, and desperately comes back, but other times they just end up not thinking about it and may have even decided to move on the moment the breakup happens. As I’ve said, it would really depend on how he is as a person – that would determine what he does.

Linda
Linda

So since the last meet up at his apartment. I left him alone. 6 days after not reaching out to him and trying to do the NC. He texts me late at night while I’m out with friends saying he misses me and if I could come over. I was dumb and called him an hour after I received the text and ask him why he wanted me over and if he was drunk. He said no that he had honestly just woken up and that he didn’t realize how late it was that he missed me and if I could come. I asked for what and he said to talk. I got my hopes up thinking he was gonna give me answer to thinking about us and giving us a chance. I further asked him what he wanted to talk about and then he became vague. Then I felt like it was just a late night booty call and told him that I wasn’t that type of girl and to not treat me as one. He then continued to ask if I would come over that we could talk but never said what about. He then was like forget it’s a bad idea and maybe we could tomorrow instead. I told him I was busy tomorrow but I’ll see. Tomorrow came and by the evening I texted him like an idiot I feel if he still wanted to talk and he was like it’s not a good idea, I’m sorry. I replied with I guess we know why you really texted last night and he stop replying after that. What do I do now? I want him but then again now I feel like I shouldn’t

B.C.
B.C.

Followed all the no contact advice and the texting advice. With the help of some friends things have been going extremely well over the past week, lots of heart to heart conversations about what went wrong and how we could’ve done it better/differently. Things were also moving very quickly. Too quickly. We hung out every day this past week, had friends meeting eachother, and were kissing at the end of our talks.
We wound up having sex 2 different times.
The last time we had it, we had spent several hours at her house and then at mine. Towards the end of the night we had been speaking for 2 hours and she talked about how she didn’t want a relationship but her fam was pressuring her to be with me, especially over the last few days.

I said that’s fine and that it should only be her decision. We started kissing like we usually had.. But I convinced her to come sleep over..

The way things went the next morning really made it look as if we were a couple and she was definitely not comfortable with that. She ghosted me since.

She told our mutual friend that she’s still up for hanging out in groups and that she really liked the romantic things I said to her.

Attraction: check
Trust: 7/10
Connection: 7/10 but fading.

Should I send an elephant in the room text saying i need space?

Thank you so much in advance for reading this.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest that you bring up the issues that she may currently be feeling uncomfortable with, such as the speed of how things have been going, etc. Let her know that you agree that things have been moving too fast, and suggest slowing things down. If she does not respond positively even to this, consider going back into NC again.

mike
mike

Hi there, what does it mean when it takes my ex about a week to reply to my text messages? This has been happening for 1.5 months ever since I broke no contact. However, when she does reply, she has been replying positively! Perhaps it is time and would be best to arrange to meet up with her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could try to arrange for a meetup, and use this as a chance to see if her replies to you thus far has been a polite gesture, or that she is genuinely interested in remaining in contact but replies slow for whatever reasons.

ldr
ldr

Thank you very much for sharing your articles and advice. I have a situation which i’d appreciate to get some of your thoughts. my ex and i met 2 years ago. as with most relationships we started off really well, it was intense and passionate and we were really close emotionally and physically. we are gay, in a long distance relationship, we live about 4 hours apart which actually worked well for us. cos he’s busy with college and i’m busy with work and we meet about once or twice a month either in his city or in my city. 6 months on, he started cheating on me and i found out. he decided to dump me for the new guy. this guy also lived in a different city about 2 hours away, he seems to like to get attached to guys from outside of his city. initially i tried to salvage the relationship but i later decided to move on and we had no contact for about 4-5 months until it was his birthday and i wished him happy bday. 2-3 months after his birthday he broke up with that guy. through a mutual friend, he contacted me and we started contacting each other again. He apologised and i accepted his apology and we got back together. withing the 1st month of the apology, everything went well and i was happy things went well between us like before. But within 2 months of his apology, he started picking fights and arguing with me again about things he’d like to buy etc… he’s a shopaholic. he wanted to break up with me again. we had no contact for about 2-3 months and since it’s approaching his birthday again this year, i contacted him through our mutual friend to do a catch up. we agreed to hang out, him, our mutual friend and me, the 2 of us for the weekend. an afternoon around the city, for a swim/hike, dinner and drinks at the club and lunch the next day before i head back home. he disappeared shortly after very quick drink at the club, he told our mutual friend he wasnt feeling well and the next day’s lunch he turned up 3 hours late. he later admitted that he disappeared for a booty call with some guy. our mutual friend was furious as he himself havent met him for half a year too. and we both took time out to hang out with him for the weekend and he just randomly disappeared and stood us up and made us wait for him while he had a quickie with some other guy. our mutual friend has known him and has been… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might honestly want to consider moving on because it seems clear that he isn’t interested in committing to a proper relationship at this time, nor does he seem very emotionally stable either, probably due to his age and phase of life.

Ldr
Ldr

Thank you for your reply.
He says he still want to be friends.. is that a good idea for this situation?

Imogin
Imogin

If I were you … I would find someone more like YOU. Someone who takes their time out to travel a distance to see their loved one. Someone who is faithful and won’t leave their boo or their friends to hook up with someone else. And someone who cares enough to write a blog on here about it. I hope for ur sake, u don’t contact this person ever again and be very brief if they contact you. Because everything u just stated seemed like a full circle and it will continue to happen because all this guy will ever think about u is … “well I messed up before and he took me back. So I guess a few more won’t hurt.” But it has. He has lost respect for u. So either ignore him until he really realizes that he has lost you …. or just try to find someone a little more serious and warm hearted as yourself. Good luck to u. And I wish u the best.

Ldr
Ldr

Thanks I appreciate your sharing
He asked to meet me to apologise and return me the gifts I gave him
I will let it be brief and after that I will ignore him

Ldr
Ldr

I will let him say what he wants to say and I will just be neutral and let him know I’m happy without him and that I’d moved on
Anything I should say or not say?

Elly
Elly

My ex and I were together for 7 years. In the first year, he looked at some messages and caught me messing around. But i was a kid (19) and we moved past it, it meant nothing. we’ve been so happy since then, and i never fooled around ever again. i fell in love with my boyfriend so hard. fast forward 6 years to now, he randomly looked at my chat with a friend while we were in a fight (i know hes never done this, not sure what prompted him to do it this time. everything happens for a reason tho bc this was the first time i had some scandalous stuff in my messages.) my messages showed my recent dumb move, i was pulling this crazy long trick on a friend (it spiraled out of control, i lied about details etc…) saying i was cheating when i wasnt. the lies were elaborate and stupid, where i talked about hooking up with someone when i havent even looked in anyone else’s direction in reality. (it’s silly i know, but my therapist said it has a lot to do with the meds i was on for adhd recently.) anyways, my boyfriend saw this stuff, and told me i have serious issues and that he cant trust me anymore. has told me to get lost for life. doesnt even wanna talk about it. hes oddly very calm and has told me he wont be changing his mind, this is the end and i should really move on because he is well on his way. we broke up and i did everything based on my emotions, send texts, emails, letters, and begged at his place. he told me if i dont stop he’s gonna call the cops, and that none of my crying or begging has any effect on him anymore. he says he thought about what happened and he deserves better and wants to move on. ive been getting help and i really would do anything to have him back. i sent a final 8 pg letter yesterday explaining that i am not a cheater, or a liar, or crazy, and that im getting therapy and making changes in my life, and that i would like to speak to him again when i am better. he texted me saying, “good for you. i hope you make changes and i know you will make someone else happy in this life once u do that. im not changing my mind unfortunately, i wish you nothing but the best, please move on.” it broke my heart. we are good together. i don’t know how he easily moved on so quick, but we both know… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re still going to have to go into no contact if you want to win him back eventually, because he probably has an extremely negative opinion of you after everything that has happened, and is also very likely to be exhausted from the relationship hence would feel that he wants nothing to do with you at this point. You have to give him some space to let go because you contacting him right now isn’t going to change his mind. Even if he moves on, you can always re-create the emotions and spark he once had for you, but it definitely wouldn’t work at this point.

Kimberly
Kimberly

Hello. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago after cheating on me and immediately started dating someone else. Initially I was needy and crying and sad. However I applied no contact and after about a month, he contacted me and told me he missed me. We are in the same class and see each other everyday. I went back to no contact and he had to cracking the no contact 3 times before we finally sat to have a decent discussion. We had a long talk and he got relieved of his guilt while I got closure for doors he left open etc. I am now at the process of reconnecting with him and it’s really confusing. I’m scared and I don’t know if I’m on the wrong or right path or on both simultaneously. We talk more now and he’s really cool with hanging out with me when there’s time. In fact he told me that even his current girlfriend can’t stop him from interacting with me. We’ve had sex about 4 times and I’ve never acted needy or said nonsense about his new girl… In fact I wished him well with his relationship. However I feel bad because I’m compromising my standards my sleeping with him and I feel like I’m doing a little bit more work than he is for us to reconnect. He said he doesn’t love me but willingly cheats on the new girl with me. Also he’s very vulnerable and very open and free with me. He said he feels I’m different now and he likes this new me. I’m trying to focus on creating a new deep emotional connection but I’m scared of him feeling I’m readily available and he can always come back whenever he wants. I’ve not told him I want us to come back together but I’ve told him that I missed the connection between us and I felt something about us was different. To that, he said we should wait and see what happens in the future. Please where do I stand and what should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

He would definitely like the ‘new’ you because he gets to have sex with you but doesn’t have to deal with the emotional aspect that would follow from a typical relationship, and you would also end up becoming a safe zone to run to whenever he has issues with his current girlfriend. Keep in mind that this ‘new’ you isn’t a permanent one, and I would strongly recommend not lowering your standards anymore by simply giving him whatever he wants and being emotionally there for him all the time while he is still with someone else and can’t fully commit back to you.

Eline
Eline

I don’t know what I want. My ex broke my heart 8 months ago after a relationship of 2 years. We were the best friends. After the breakup he had a new girlfriend after 1 month. They broke up 3 months ago because she cheated. He came back to me, wanted all my attention, but I told him I still have feelings for him but I don’t want him back. He accepted it but was mad because he thought I had someone new. He went back with the girl who cheated. Then I decided I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I blocked him and deleted him on social media. The problem is that we have a common group of friends. Last week he was posting every day a snapchat in the group. Yesterday he send me a message with an artist in and the sentence ‘I think you would like this artist.’ Today I saw I had a missed facetime-call from him. To his bestfriend he said he regretted the way we broke up and the way we treat eachother the last months.. He is still together with this girl.
What do I need to do? Does he regret that he broke up with me? Why does he need this much of my attention?!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be the realization that you’re drifting away or moving on in his mind, that causes him to seek your attention again each time despite being together with someone else, which is probably a rebound relationship to fill his time and prevent him from thinking about you.

Eline
Eline

But how do I know if it’s our friendship that he misses or our relationship? And what is the best thing I can do?

Ashi
Ashi

I dated my ex for 4 years. We studied in the same campus and moved together to another campus to pursue our studies. The moment we came into our new campus, my ex’s behaviour changed. He told me he wants to break up. A week later I found that he was with another girl from the same campus and I did nothing but just left it. A month later he came telling me that he wanted me back and I said ok, we got back together. I even asked him the reason behind his break up with the other girl and he told me that the girl isn’t sincere and honest to him as I were to him. She even tried cheating on him. Months later again, he came telling me that he was confuse about our relationship and so on. We broke up again and he went back to the same girl again. Every time I confronted him about this issue, the only thing he tells me is that his feelings towards me changed and he wanted me to move on. It’s been 2 months now since he is with the other girl now. Last week when I saw him, he cried to me saying that he loves me still but his feelings of being together with me was not there anymore instead it was there for the other girl. He told me to move on and no to wait for him. He said he wants to be with the other girl now. I asked him why does he want that girl so badly when she wasn’t good enough and sincere to him and he replied me that the girl changed now. She is much open and honest to me now about everything that is happening in her life. All I could reply to him was Goodluck. His current girlfriend told him to block me in Whatsapp and he did but he still keeps me in his Facebook and Instagram. I’m confused by his actions. Can you help?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s probably due to the fact that you were together with him for 4 years, which explains why he feels confused about things, but would constantly get back together with the new person. He still shares the love towards you that exists after going through many experiences together throughout the relationship, but has lost the spark for you, which is why he keeps jumping back to the more ‘exciting’ choice. You’re probably going to have to distance yourself and make him realize it on his own and decide which is more important to him.

Ashi
Ashi

Hey, Yes I could feel the same that he lost the spark for me. I really miss him and I really want to be with him again. Will he ever regret this someday or do I have to do something about it in order for him to realize and regret?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If the relationship you had with him was a meaningful one, you shouldn’t have to do anything in particular for him to realize and regret ending things.

Ashi
Ashi

We did had a meaningful relationship but now he seems to be going fine with the current girl. Should I be worried? Is he going to last long with her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be frank, no one can say for sure whether the next relationship that our ex gets into would last long or not, but you’ll also have to think logically about it and realize that after 4 years of being together with one person, getting into a new relationship with someone else would come across as novel and exciting. It may not be awhile until it actually hits him, and he realizes that he had lost something valuable (you), and decides to talk to you again, especially if the new relationship starts giving him problems.

Jen
Jen

My partner and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 9 months. We are both in our early 30’s. For the month of April we have been arguing frequently, mainly because I wanted to finally move in together since we have been together for such a long time… everytime I would find an apt that was suitable for us, he would come up with an excuse. After a few weeks of searching, I finally found an apt that met all of his standards. On the following days, I took the opportunity to let him know how I was feeling due to the fact that we have been arguing about the moving in situation, and I was feeling some type of way, including feeling somewhat neglected etc. That same particular night, we got into another argument, this time was because he didn’t want to stay over the night. I was so upset because I just expressed to him how I felt and i truly thought he understood my view. The very next day he came over my house to let me know that he needs space away from me to figure things out and to see whether we should stay together or not and says he no longer wants to move in with me. For the 1st 2 weeks I did the whole pleading and begging, then I stopped. It’s been a month since we haven’t seen each other;however, he still texts me and occasionally calls.. he still says that he loves me and that he misses me. Idk how to interpret his behavior.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could simply be a fear of committing, especially because moving in together makes it all the more real, and perhaps a part of him isn’t ready to do so which explains his frequent excuses and getting upset about it.

cleo
cleo

my ex boyfriend and i were together for almost two years when he broke up with me. he said he needed space and i didnt give it to him abd he was stressed about money and work. he said he wasnt happy and that there is no chance of getting back together. post break up i was really desperate texting him and calling. we work together so we have to see each other and he gives me a lot of mixed signals but he is flirting with another girl. please help me get him back

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You can use this article to help you with how to handle seeing him on a constant basis after the breakup because of work. Generally, its best to go into no contact right now, and to avoid making conversation with him because you’ll want to give him the space to be able to see you in a positive light especially after the breakup.

Ami
Ami

Hi,me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for more than a year .then we suddenly he seemed to be less interested in communicating.he said he started liking a girl there,and i couldn’t do much about it. We still keep contact but as he have a very busy career.He told me that things are not the same now snd he does not feel the same love for me and that i am not his kinda girl.
I think we could do it all over again in a better way ,but how will i get him back?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Given how he feels right now, the best thing you can do is to go into No Contact if you want a shot with him again in a better way, because currently, how he feels about the relationship isn’t going to change overnight but rather requires certain distance before a second shot can be taken at the relationship.

Ashley
Ashley

I was in a relation with my ex for 3 years 9 months.It was a long distance relationship and he used to meet me every thursday – sun. Our parents knew about us and we were planning to get married soon. Few months back I noticed that he had been talking a lot with my roommate. I tried asking him indirectly about them but he always used to say that there is nothing. When it was too obvious, I asked him directly and he broke off with me on watsapp. He told me that I am immature and he loves me a lot but I’m like a kid for him. I asked him for a months chance and he said there is nothing left in him to try for me, but still I wanted to try and sort things out. In between that I found out that he had proposed to my roommate. He said he had feelings for her after breakup as he was lonely and he feels that she understands him well. My roommate said that initially she didnt love him but was only talking to him to sort things out between us , in spite of me warning her not to interfere. I love him too much and I did few things which were not supposed to, like begging him to be with me and trying to separate my ex and my roommate. My roommate is undergoing divorce and my ex says that both should get a second chance to be happy again. My roommate doesn’t know if they have a future together. Few days back he called me and was explaining me that i should let go of him and move on.I know he loves me a lot and I also love him a lot and I believe that we can work on the communication and understanding issues between us. Please help me to get back with my ex. I have started the NC rule, but do you think there is a chance for us to be together? My ex and my roommate have been officially together since last 3 weeks and he has stopped visiting me and her.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like your roommate is more of a rebound relationship for him, but he doesn’t realize it yet. You can use this article for reference, but generally, getting together because of loneliness and the person is there for you doesn’t mean you truly love the person, which might be the case for your ex.

Tom Taylor
Tom Taylor

So me and my ex have been going out for ten months and about 5 days ago she said she was unhappy about how ive been treating her the last few weeks (no effort etc), i have very important exams coming up that she knew about which i need to revise for and have accidently distnaced myself from her because of them, i asked her why she didnt say anyrhing sooner and she said ‘i wanted to see if anything changed’ in the following 2 days she broke up with me and shes just changed her profile picture to something not with us in, she lives very far away 250 miles but i go down as often as i can to see her but its hard at the moment due to these exams and my stress, it seems all rushed and like shes serious but i dont think shes had time to rationalise it properly can you help?!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Probably start by an apology and try to get her to rationalize things through your point of view. If she doesn’t want to and insists that she’s unhappy still and wants to leave, you could either try going up to her once your exams end and make it up to her, or consider walking away because she wasn’t understanding enough to your situation and only wanted what was best for herself emotionally.

Liam
Liam

Hi, Me and my ex were together for 3 years and we went out drinking and I cheated on my girlfriend while she was in the room, we didn’t have sex but we did do other stuff. I regret it massively and was hoping to ask her to marry me sometime this year. Its been over a week and I have done some of the mistakes of texting her and being needy. I received an email off her explaining to me how I hurt her and in a way shes glad it happened so she no longer has to waste time with me. She has told me on a few occasions she never wants to see me again or for me to contact her. I have recently done the NC rule. Does it look like this is a lost cause or will the NC rule work? How long should my NC rule be bearing in mind she told me she wants no contact from me. I am willing to wait as long as it takes to get her back.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could try for one month first before contacting her, and if she doesn’t respond positively to you, go into NC again for a longer period. She’s probably hurt and upset, so it would best to give her some space for now.

Thomas
Thomas

Hello
My ex girlfriend and I broke up about 6 weeks ago. From there all I had done was being needy and desperate. She would block me and unblock me and all I did was just like a fool was just beg and plead. Honestly I’ve understood the reason of the break up and I’ve accepted it and I understand how much I messed up… especially since I was sending her a message that I couldn’t change. If you must know I am very confident and I know I can get her back if I do things correctly. We haven’t talked in 2 weeks. and since then I’ve been working on myself and taking my time to understand my mistakes so i could learn from them. I know that she blocked me because i pressured her in such a bad way that led her to that choice and I know understand all my mistakes. I’m a very confident guy know but my question is how should I approach her. I really cannot connect her because she fully blocked me and i don’t know if she wants to talk to me because i don’t know wether she wants that or not. Now for the past few days she’s been looking kind of sad since we haven’t talked and she’s been kind of starring at me and she also started to follow me ( trying to get my attention in a way) but also she’s been trying to act like if she’s the one in control and she doesn’t really get affected so that kind of leads me to ask you guys What should I do at this point and also why is she trying to get my attention if she acts all so tough like if she’s holding all the cards?
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Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

She could still have unresolved feelings for you, but is in conflict with herself to not do anything rash, hence her tough demeanor. I would suggest not playing any mind games on your part to ‘get her attention’, but rather just be sincere about things. If her feelings for you are strong enough, she’ll slowly soften up again.

Stephano
Stephano

Ok so me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. I did 35 days of no contact and she tried to text me 4 times during that time. Eventually her best friend texted me and told me that my ex was really upset and missed me so the next time my ex tried to contact me I responded. She said sorry for ending our relationship and that she wanted things to go back to the way they were before. However, she did not explicitly say that she wanted us to get back together. I chose to doubt that, but I wanted to get back together so I forgave her and we have been in constant contact for 2 months texting every day for at least an hour and she seems closer in person than she did before. Recently I learned that her best friend told my ex that I was trying to get back together with her, but she has been acting the same if not closer than before. Should I take this as a sign that she does want to get back together or should I still try to find out more?

Nilusha
Nilusha

Hello,
My ex broke up with me 2 moths a go,after 4 years of relationship and 2.5 years happily living together,me and him come from difference part of the world and the religion, well non of this didn’t matter from the beginning, I left my country go and stay with him 2 months happily, and then he ask me to go back and study the language and the religion which I was happy to do for him, I fly back home and start arranging our small wedding becoz be promise me that we will be coming to marry me 3 months of time, but suddenly he change and I felt that so I ask him then he broke up with me over a text msg, i beg him, I call him, million time nothing happened,He show me he is sad as well but this way is better, now he block me from everywhere, I love him so much and i can’t move on, plz help

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’ll have to try and figure out what it was that made him break up so suddenly with you before you can determine the steps to take. For the time being, focus on self-recovery and pick yourself up from the breakup and perhaps even come to terms with it. If not, you won’t be able to take the proper steps in trying to win him back. You can apply no contact for now, and when you’ve recovered, to attempt in re-connecting with him. Hopefully by that stage he would have unblocked you and be more receptive towards you.

Glocia
Glocia

Hi, I had been dating a guy for 2.5 years, he’s a Muslim and I’m a Christian,during this time he was completely in love with me and he has done a lottttt of things to keep me happy and to show how much he loves me… because he was never like this and I could feel it and even his family and friends had told me that he has never been soooo serious before for any girl and I myself felt his love for me then… and I had amazing connections with his family and even most of his relatives side knew me.. though we used to fight a lot we always managed to get back and love each other more.. but the few days before the breakup we had been fighting and that is when he went to his cousins place far from where we live .. he stayed at his ex’s place who is his cousin and he had dated her for 2 years before me … and he suddenly started getting feelings for her and they were so strong that he went and told her mom that he wants to get married to her and even kissed her and stuff … but then after he came back from there he has ditched her a million times already by kissing me and getting physical with me and even after that girl knew this she accepted him like twice .. and when there were problems in their relationship ( now it’s almost 2 months since we broke up and since he’s got into a relation with her ) he used to come to me asking if I will or will not give him another chance and that he loves me .. this has happened twice and both the times I used to agree and then we used to get physical …I have come out of my country that means we don’t meet and he doesn’t even talk ( I have broken 4 rules which are mentioned above because I hadn’t read the article before) so now my ex says he doesn’t want me at all and he doesn’t love me…and again their marriage is fixed like they say they’ll get married after 5 years once he has achieved something in life ..both of us are 20 and his present girlfriend is 18…in this situation where families are involved and where he claims to love her soooo much will is till be able to get him back? Please help … is it still possible ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems that he is emotionally immature at this stage and is acting upon his emotions at that point which has caused him to switch between the two of you over and over. The fact that both parties have been readily available for him whenever he feels like this only serves to strengthen his thought that he is able to come back whenever he wants to. I would suggest actually limiting all contact with him and and properly going through no contact this time around so that the ‘idea’ that he isn’t always going to get his way may hit him and that he starts to think clearer on who he actually has feelings for.

Glocia
Glocia

Right now according to him he just feels that she’s the one because it has reached a stage where the entire family knows that they will be getting married in the next 5 years …can this feeling of his still be changed and can I get him back or is there a possibility that he may stand firm on his decision ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Considering how he swaps around his emotions at times may show that he is only saying that now because of how he’s feeling in the moment. Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he’s truly ready to settle down yet and he probably only thinks he is. Give it some time, and see how things progress from there.

Glocia
Glocia

I followed the no contact rule … it’s the 19th day today .. I had to text him yet because of a death in his family … and I got to know about a lot of things which only show that the negativity is still there in him .. he has blocked me off on whatsapp yesterday (the only place I wasn’t blocked on ) even when I dint text him anything else …everyone is just telling me what I’m doing is never going to work and that he’s never going to come back with this behaviour of your because he’s very very very scared to lose that girl .. should I still wait and give it a little more time because it’s still possible or what do I do ? I tried distracting myself .. on self improvement.. but these things just come up and now I’m completely demotivated… I really love him and I really want him back …

Von
Von

Hey Ryan, so me and my ex were together for about 1.5 years and things were pretty great… we had the occasional disagreement but for the most part we seemed to be a good match, we traveled out of the country for her first time, went horseback riding, on cruises left each other notes confirming our affection to one another even got back into the church together. Somewhere we hit a rough patch as het best friend of 9 years confessed his love and it caused friction between us because she was not sure what to do with those feelings and it constantly caused arguments because I told her to cut him off which she tried but eventually refused. Funny thing is her parents wanted me to marry her, me and her mom even picked out a ring… she had even gotten off of birth control and we were trying to have a kid but it didn’t happen. Eventually we got into an argument about her best friend again and we broke up… now she’s dating him and they travel together and seem inseparable. She would still come and see me without him knowing and she said she loved us both but didn’t want to lose him but didn’t know what to do because she loved me to… she felt as if she was in two relationships but ultimately began spending less time with me and more with him. She is a very pretty girl which makes it harder because she can have her pick of the litter biiut I really care for her and don’t really know what to do…. she wanted to meet for a closure outing before moving on which I began no contact at that point and it’s been about a week and I’ve heard nothing from her… not sure how to proceed at this point

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest that you try to stay focused and pick yourself up from this first. She may have the ‘pick of the litter’, but keep in mind that she did love you through the period you were together and probably still does have certain feelings for you. However, because she is in the new relationship with the other guy which is ‘novel’, she definitely has taken a stronger interest there at this point because its still a new thing. Work on improving yourself now because if ever there comes a point where you and her cross paths, you would want to be in the position to make a strong impression and to test her true feelings with the other boyfriend she’s now with.

Justin
Justin

Ok so me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. I did 35 days of no contact and she tried to text me 4 times during that time. Eventually her best friend texted me and told me that my ex was really upset and missed me so the next time my ex tried to contact me I responded. She said sorry for ending our relationship and that she wanted things to go back to the way they were before. However, she did not explicitly say that she wanted us to get back together. I chose to doubt that, but I wanted to get back together so I forgave her and we have been in constant contact for 2 months texting every day for at least an hour and she seems closer in person than she did before. Recently I learned that her best friend told my ex that I was trying to get back together with her, but she has been acting the same if not closer than before. Should I take this as a sign that she does want to get back together or should I still try to find out more?

Sara
Sara

HEY. I was dating him for almost 3 years. But after a year he met a girl who became her bff in a very short time. I was very jealous of their bond and dirty jokes etc. I stopped him from talking to her.i stopped him after 2 months of their friendship. But he used to miss her. Then for like rest kf 2 years we fought because he started talking to her without letting me know. I used to check his phone and he would have made other accounts to talk. Each time after getting caught he told me hes sorry. I used to breakup but he used to beg and tell me that he wont talk again. Then i started talking to him again. But the cycle continued. I abused the girl too but she used to say that its my boyfriend going back to her. But my boyfriend tried his best to leave her bff. He loved me a lot. Sometimes i used to do things to make him angry so in order to take revenge he talked to her. We are in the same school even his bff. Shes our junior. But my bf didnt met her in school their talk remained in online chating. But then then there was a group of my bf’s friends and my friends. We all were friends but somehoe aur group broke up. We fought and his friends fucked up his mind. He fought with me. Yes i did for somethings which he would get hurt too but he then started meeting that girl. He brokeup with me. And this time he had no regret. He said that i made him do this. He added Snapchat stories to make me jealous. I was about to do suicide after that because i hated that girlll too much. Though the are justt friendss. And i cant do no contact periods because i can onlyy meet him after 3 days. No chance meeting after that.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Then perhaps start no contact after you meet him, and probably focus on improving your emotions and insecurities or you may have the same issue even if you try to win him back in the future.

Sana
Sana

Hi, my boyfriend and I had a breakup since 2 months. The reason is quite complicated as even I, myself has doubts on that whether I made a mistake or is this just a misunderstanding. We had around 4-5 breakups in a row but we loved each other like anything. He always served that “no contact” period after breakup which made me confused that whether he’s actually interested or not. In that confusion, I accepted his friend’s relationship proposal while he was on his NC just to have my rebound relationship. When he came back, I told him that I’m now dating his friend as he has feelings for me. At that time, he reacted a bit and called his friend to let him know that we are patching it up. Then he broke up with me again and went for that NC again at the same night. I called his friend and asked him not to leave as I was not understanding his attitude (his friend is no doubt a very nice person). Then again he(my ex) came back after a month until then I realized that I love him(my ex) and I couldn’t be with anyone else but him so I avoided his friend. Then we restarted our relationship in a strongest manner possible. I did already told him that I was in a relationship with his friend but I can’t deny this fact that I realized that I couldn’t be with anyone else but him. Also, I told him that I will break up with his friend as soon as I get a chance to talk to him. Then, he just read my old text messages in his friend’s cellphone. Those messages were intimidating as I was in a relationship with him at that time. So, he got so horribly angry and broke up with me again and said that I cheated on him while I know that I am still so in love with him. Before reading this article I tried a lot to get him back at any cost. Calling/texting each and everything I was trying since two months. He always replies to my texts and it seems like he’s so much hurt but now he just don’t want me to be with him anymore. I’m feeling so guilty, desperate and confused as I can’t find out whether I did something which had taken him away my true love away from me forever or whether it is just a emotional flood from him as he didn’t like me getting closer to someone else. Please help me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps give him some space right now to cool off first, before trying to talk to him and explain to him your feelings again once he is more receptive towards you.

Sana
Sana

And what if he didn’t come back?

Sana
Sana

Coming back means, coming back in a relationship. He is still responsive to my texts and calls but he’s not willing to continue with a relationship. Is this because he’s hurt or what?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be, or simply that he’s not ready to jump right back into the relationship at this point. And even if he doesn’t come back right away, the fact that he’s talking to you and responding positively is a good sign and better than him completely ignoring you. Take baby steps forward, it won’t all magically fall back into place overnight. Ultimately, just like it probably took a build up of events for the relationship to end, it will take a build up as well for the relationship to come back together.

Brandon
Brandon

I just hope I can get her back. Time will tell if she’ll let me right my wrongs. She said it’s really hard for her to do. There were no titles but we were exclusive to one another. A lot of feelings were involved. I’m just wondering if they’re still there. After we hung up, I kept our snapstreak alive and she snapped me back. She also texted me “I’ll always care about you. You’ll always mean so much”. I appreciated it but still felt empty because if I meant that much, you’d try to work this out, no? Snapped her a pic of my rubiks cube and then she facetimed me to watch me solve it. We talked for a lil and then she hung up. Tried to talk to her more but I got left on read. 4 hours later, she sends me a series of snaps and I asked her why she’s snapping me. She said because we were snapping earlier and that she’ll stop. I told her it only gave me a false sense of hope and then we talked about things again. Tried one more time to convince her that I wasn’t gonna fuck up again but she just left it on read.

It’s confusing and it hurts. I heard what she said but it doesn’t feel like it’s really over. I’m doing my best not to read too much into it but I know I want her back and the only thing I can hope for is the chance to right my wrongs. Maybe there’s a chance, maybe there’s not. I’m not good at reading these things. But I think back to when me and my ex broke up and if I would’ve just left her alone, we would’ve gotten back together. I guess that’s the move with this girl. Give her the time and space she needs. I love her. She needs to be free and if she comes back, then it wasn’t meant to be. If not, so be it. Major L but what can I do?

Sigh. We were LDR.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you’ve said, she probably needs time right now. Don’t push anything or pressure her because your emotions get the better of you. Spend this time focusing on picking yourself up instead and make a move again from there once some time has passed.

Brandon
Brandon

Well she called me Sunday and I was asking her what was wrong. She said she didn’t know, she just didn’t feel like herself and that she felt weird. She was acting kind of weird like she wanted to tell me something but was playing dumb. So we stay on the phone for the rest of the night just talking about whatever. We laughed n shit. It was good. Then she told me that she wanted to play Fortnite Saturday night but didnt wanna bother me. I said I did too but I didn’t because of the night before. I told her I was surprised that she called me to talk. She asked “you didnt want me to?” and I said “no of course but again, friday”. She said “yeah I know”. I told her why I didnt talk to her Saturday so I could have a clear mind about things and what happened. Told her I missed her and we got into talking about getting back together. She was taking it really well and listening. Not much conversation. She said she was gonna get a shower and that shed call me when she got out. So she calls me back and I was gonna forget the conversation but she said “you had something you wanted to talk about?” and I thought she wanted to talk about it too so I brought it up again and she just said “well I already told you how I felt on Friday”. I said “yeah I know” and changed the subject and we fell asleep on the phone. She also facetimed me for a lil while like we used to.

Since Sunday, we’ve been texting all day everyday. We play Fortnite and have a lot of fun.

Yesterday, I asked her how she felt cause it felt like things were up in the air. She told me “I dont think its up in the air. I thought I was clear”. The. we got into a fight about it. She said she couldnt just not talk to me anymore and that I meant way too much to her to do that and that she’ll stop talking to me since it was confusing. I told her that it doesnt feel like I truly meant the world to her and that I deserved another chance and that we should just talk it out. She replied after work saying “we already talked” and I just told her “Youre right. Take care of yourself” and she said the same back.

My question is, is there a chance to get her back????

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Probably best to give her some space for now because she’s probably going to be defensive against you after the recent fight. Go into NC and let her know later on that you would still like to remain friends and keep in contact. Its a step back from being in a relationship, but its still a step forward compared to not on talking terms at all.

Brandon
Brandon

We spoke this past Sunday after not talking for two days and we both agreed on being friends and taking it slow. We both agreed that it didn’t feel right to just say bye to each other like that and that we both mean way too much to each other. She doesn’t wanna deal with the stress of relationship expectations right now. I just need to earn her trust again and take it day by day. I dont think she doesn’t want this. She just wants to be 100% sure. The same way she’s gone about us the last 7 months which sucks because all that trust I earned was somewhat lost. I told her if we gotta start over I’ll do it. Im just happy she actually heard me out. Felt like she really did miss me and wanted to work things out. She just wants to be sure it’ll never happen again.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well, she isn’t wrong for wanting to do it that way and you’ll have to respect and go about in that manner if you intend to win her back.

Melinda
Melinda

My ex started slowly reaching out to me after 3 months no contact. Maybe a message once every couple weeks. I played it cool & did everything I should do. The texts increased in frequency over the course of a month to the point where it was an everyday thing and they were going from casual texts to him implying he missed certain things about us. I did very well keeping my cool and maintaining a flirty fun persona while still having my own life and not eagerly texting back. At this point, I got a random feeling to check to see if he was online dating and when I looked I found that he had just signed up for a dating site. Instinct kicked in and instead of taking the time to assess about what it could mean and respond appropriately, I reacted. I texted him I miss him and lost all control. Ever since than he still initiates contact sometimes but only through Snapchat and it’s very informal or sometimes he won’t answer me and leaves me hanging. He never speaks of any memories or flirts anymore and now I am the one doing it. Everything flipped and I don’t know what to do. I was so close to getting him to hang out and see me. I feel like he’s no longer interested and since he is online dating I feel I have lost my chance. I really regret letting my panick ruin what could have been a reconciliation. It was stupid and careless. Idk what to do from here.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might have to re-apply no contact again, and reduce the frequency of texting him first. Keep calm and try again with your emotions more in check, and if it still doesn’t work out, you might have to consider walking away.

Clotte
Clotte

Me and my ex, We’ve broken up for about a month now and yes, i have been acting crazy and doing all the things i wasn’t suppose to be doing. We dated for 7 months and it’s the longest relationship we’ve both been in. I didn’t treat him the best-emotionally and we have broken up so many times but gotten back together but this time he said we aren’t getting back together and nothing can change it. Our relationship is sorta like Romeo and Juliet. His parents don’t like me and my parents don’t like him. I really want him back for good this time but after reading all the things to do i realized that I’ve been doing it wrong that’s why he’s not sad and he’s moved on to another girl. (a girl i was always jealous of and didn’t like, he knew this) i realized that it’s because i haven’t given him a break up yet. I’ve told him i loved him, I’ve begged him to come back. i haven’t let him feel the break up yet. But even so, i feel like nothing is going to get him back to me. I’m going to try the no contact rule but the thing is i need to see him at work. What should i do? PS, last week this happened: on Tuesday after work he like came up to me and was like “i’m gonna start writing down my feelings, that’s what you’re doing right?” and so i was like “yeah it’s this book” cuz i had the book with me. then he was like oh lemme read it so i was like okay pick a page so he did and then he read that page but then he ended up reading more. after i took the book off him he tried to take it back off me and while he did that he cut me by accident and my finger started bleeding. then he holds my finger and say “i’m sorry i feel really bad” and i say oh its fine dw about it. THEN he kisses my finger. then after a while he was sitting there lookin all sad and so i was like what’s wrong? and he was like can i talk to you outside and so i was like okay. then we go outside and he was like “I didn’t even realize this but i still love you so so much” and he was like almost crying so i was like aww come give me a hug so he hugged me and it was like really tight hug like it was different. but then he’s like but i dont wanna give you false… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If that’s how you both feel, perhaps this is the best time to give each other space and even distance yourself from him, to work on that aspect or even if you succeed at winning him back, the same issue would only arise again down the road.

Bill
Bill

My Ex and i have re-established attraction after no contact, i’m wondering how i can express interest in her without seeming needy.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Follow this article for more guidelines on what to do after no contact.

L
L

Hi.

So, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Everything starts with this fight we have and then he starts to ignoring me. Of course I freak out and I tried to talk to him and bla bla bla but he didn’t want to see me. And that’s it. He gave me no explanation.. I’ve been in No Contact Rule since then but I’m really confused and sad about this. We had a great relationship and I really didn’t want to give it up. What should I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Once you complete no contact, perhaps establish communication with him again to see how he responds to you and try to understand why he suddenly ignored you and broke up with you.

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