Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

When you get your ex back, you want them committed to making it work this time. This article will teach you how.

This is what happened to me. I got my ex back, but the relationship wasn’t something I would want for myself or any of my clients. It lasted a few years, but the relationship had issues and we eventually ended up breaking it off again.

My failure taught me that it’s convenient to ignore the red flags when you want someone so bad. And you can sweep important issues under the rug for a while. But eventually, it’s going to catch up with you. One way or another.

I learned to not ignore the important aspects of the relationship such as respect, trust, honesty and communication. This was also echoed when I reached out to our community members to provide update on what happened to them and their ex.

Can I Get My Ex Back?

Yes, you can get your ex back. There are no guarantees but there is hope. We conducted a study of 3000+ participants and found that around 30% of people get back together.

We also reached out to our community members (who posted their story publicly years ago) and found a lot of them still together after getting back together. Some of them are still together after 10+ years of the original breakup.

We also found that even those who don’t get their ex back, tend to move on and find love again. (You can read all those stories at the end of this article.)

So even if it feels like the world is ending, you are going to be okay. With your ex. Or without them.

Note: If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back or your ex wife back, I recommend you check out this article with a game plan more focused on winning her back.

Will I regret trying to get my ex back?

When we reached out to our community members, almost no one regretted trying to get their ex back. This includes those who got back together and stayed together, those who got back together and broke up again and those who never got back together.

The only people who had regrets were the ones who found themselves in abusive or extremely toxic relationships.

This is why I only advice someone not to try to get their ex back if their relationship had elements of abuse (emotional, verbal or physical), infidelity, or a lot of toxicity (or a relationship with a Narcissist). Different people have different definition for these words. So if you are not sure about it, see these resources to help you understand a toxic or abusive relationship. And this resource to understand Narcissism and the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.

How Can I Get My Ex Back and Keep Them?

The best way to get an ex back is to first let the breakup happen and then organically rebuild a new relationship.

-> When the breakup happens, accept it and don’t try to hold on to your ex. The more you push someone, the more they are going to pull away. The more you try to stop the breakup from happening, the more they would want it to happen.

-> Give each other time and space – You’ve probably heard the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “time heals”.

-> While you are apart, focus on self-love, self-care, acceptance and self-improvement. – You may feel broken and desperate right now (not attractive). But by the end of it, you gotta be happy, calm and confident (attractive).

-> Understand yourself, your ex and the issues that broke you apart – You know the adage, “Everything happens for a reason.”?

Well, the breakup happened for a reason.

And maybe that reason is for you to become someone who is more mature and capable of resolving the issues that lead to the breakup.

Or maybe it’s for you to become someone who realizes that they deserve healthy love, who has the strength to let your ex go and move on to a better relationship.

-> And then eventually re-establish contact with them to rebuild something new. – Unless someone initiates, you aren’t going to move forward. Taking a calculated risk is better than waiting indefinitely.

-> The key is to build something new, on a stronger foundation based on trust, communication, respect and love.  – Like I said, don’t sweep the past issues under the rug. Your ex also gotta own up to their mistakes.

All the above points boil down to three conceptsSpace, Time and Self-Improvement.

Which, unsurprisingly, was also the reason 525 people who got back together and stayed together cited as the most helpful factors in reconciliation in our study.

Note – No-Contact is essentially giving your ex space. And yes, sometimes giving them space is enough to get them back.

But what type of space? And how much time do you need to give your ex?

And exactly what type of self-improvement helps the relationship become stronger when they come back?

Does it just mean not speaking to your ex for a few days and going to the gym every morning at 5 AM?

Not really. It’s a little bit deeper than that.

When we reached out to our community members, we got a lot of insights into what works and what doesn’t. Especially from those who have been together for more than 10 years now after getting back together.

If I have to summarize it, it’s that people who act out of acceptance and love, instead of fear of losing their ex tend to stay together.

We are going to explore that in this article. And at the end of it, you can read exactly what happened to over 59 people who wanted their ex back once upon a time in the past decade and where they are now.

Let’s begin with the most important part of this all. Not pushing your ex away by making these deadly mistakes.

Content:

But what are these mistakes you spoke about earlier?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.

STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Misguided Instincts)

I call this part “The Misguided Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following what they think is their instincts. But instead, it’s their panicked mind and the fear of losing their ex.

Most of the advice in this article feels counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.

So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.

That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your think your instincts are telling you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

cat begging
Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

You will want to believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.

Your thought pattern becomes something like

  • If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
  • If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he will want me back because he cares about me.
  • Once I get him back, I can show him how we are both great together.

Again, your misguided instincts are screwing with you.

Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.

And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?

Or do you want them to respect and love you?

Relationships that are not built on love and respect inevitable end up in a bad breakup. And that’s exactly what will happen if your ex gets back with you out of pity.

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

doormat in relationships

Well, guess what?

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.

How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Maybe they will use you for a while. Maybe they will have fun having someone around who lives and dies for them. But eventually, they will realize they need a relationship, not a doormat.

According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.

How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

smothering your ex

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.

In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.

I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.

I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into hard panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).

And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.

rebound relationship
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.

Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.

They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.

And in most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship.

(Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)

Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger

Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.

It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.

If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.

Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.

The same way it happened when you both fought.

This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.

Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.

Conflicts should not always lead to fights, anger or name-calling. I highly recommend that you try to learn healthy communications. Read books on communication, get therapy if needed. If you feel lost or confused and need help figuring out what to do next, consider getting relationship coaching.

Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn

Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.

Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.

But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors (because of all the shouting) and was ashamed of herself and her partner.

The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.

At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.

She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.

He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.

Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.

It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.

He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.

Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.

The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other, they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.

Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.

The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.

“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry

Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation

The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.

Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.

Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It will ask questions like,

  • Will my ex come back?”
  • “Is my ex missing me?”
  • Does he still love me?”
  • “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
  • “Will she start dating someone already?”
  • “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
  • “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
  • “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”

If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.

I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.

It’s true. Your ex wants you to win them back the right way. They just don’t believe you can.

These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.

Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following

“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”

Do you see the problem here?

Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.

No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.

These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.

Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking.

In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process. The authors of the study state “A debilitating aspect of anxiety is its impact on decision making and flexible control of behavior.”

If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example,

  • If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
  • If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
  • If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
  • If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.

The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.

It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back. Although, you should try to spend quality time with your friends and family as that is an important part of healing from the breakup.

Recommended Reading: The ‘I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex Phase’ and How To Stop

What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.

It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back

The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.

She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.

She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.

But all she could get from her ex was this line.

“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”

She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.

And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.

The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.

When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message after no contact. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.

“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.

I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny

STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.

It’s simple and very effective.

All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

  • No Calling
  • No Texting
  • No Emails
  • No Online Contact Of Any Kind (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook Whatsapp, Snapchat, Telegram etc.)
  • No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
  • No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
  • No keeping tabs on them via friends.

Why do no contact?

For these three reasons

Reason No. 1: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.

People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.

But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.

Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.

Reason No. 2: You also need some space and time.

You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.

It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.

If you were with your ex for a considerable amount of time, you may have developed an identity that is you being part of a couple. Once you start no contact, you may feel uncomfortable, anxious or have a sense of emptiness being by yourself. You may feel like you have lost your identity, like a part of you is missing.

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship, this feeling is usually associated with the desire of getting an ex back and is more common amongst anxiously attached individuals. That means if you were anxious in your relationship with your ex, you are more likely to feel incomplete after the breakup and that getting them back will make you whole again.

However, getting them back just because you feel incomplete is not a healthy decision. Instead, use this time to learn to love yourself, understand your anxiety, learn to manage it on your own and learn to be whole again without being in a relationship.

As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).

Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.

Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.

happiness comes from inside

Reason No. 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.

You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.

If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on Social Media can be a significant source of distress to individuals.

And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?

(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

stay no contact for 30 days

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months.

Your ex during No Contact Period

At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read our detailed article on the no contact rule.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. According to psychologist Samantha Rodman on Huffpost, if your ex is texting you, the likeliest possibility is they are reflecting on the relationship and maybe even missing you. But if you engage with your ex via text, it may cause some emotional backsliding and even stunt some of the healing process.

Remember your aim during the no contact rule is to heal and become someone your ex would love to get back with. And if you engage with your ex every time they text you, you are just distracting yourself.

Recommended Reading: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during no contact?

What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?

What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?

No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.

You have to give it to them.

And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

What if My ex and I have Children?

If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.

You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.

You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,

“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”

Recommended Reading: When It’s Okay To Text Your Ex During No Contact

What if my ex and I live together?

If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.

If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.

What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, no, that’s not a good question.

In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.

Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.

But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.

You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.

But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.

A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.

They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.

There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.

  • They might start contacting you every day.
  • They might get angry.
  • They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
  • They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
  • They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
  • The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.

Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.

Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.

Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.

When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.

Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.

He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.

A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.

The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.

She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.

Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.

She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.

He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.

“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”

This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.

He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.

Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.

“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer

STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.

If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.

But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.

You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.

are you happy?

Here’s how you can do that.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do.

  • Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
  • Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
  • Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
  • Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

learn to be happy without your ex
Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.

Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.

Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits

In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.

  • Controlling Nature
  • Extreme Jealousy
  • Insecurity
  • Lack of Passion
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Lack of Personal Hygiene
  • Lack of Motivation in Life
  • Lack of Communication Skills
  • Lack of Social Skills
  • Inability to Trust
  • Inability to Commit

If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them.

Dr. Judith Kuriansky, PhD told BBC that commonly exes get back together because they “feel like they’ve grown and matured.”

If your ex feels like you have grown as a person and are more emotionally mature, there is a good chance they will think about getting back together.

I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

  1. I love my ex.
  2. I can’t live without my ex.
  3. I am miserable without my ex.
  4. He/She was the only one for me.
  5. I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.

However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.

Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.

You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

pros and cos of your relationship
Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.

Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.

Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now.

So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.

And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.

Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It

Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.

There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.

Let’s explore some of the common issues that

  • You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
  • You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you, he may be avoidant or he may have deep commitment issues.
  • You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
  • Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
  • Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.

You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and miserable because of this breakup

If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.

“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.

If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.

And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.

It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)

In some cases, you will realize that it’s not possible to fix what was broken, and that will help you move on from the breakup.

Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending

Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.

If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say

“Obsessed with her ex.”

She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.

She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.

Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.

Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.

She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.

That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.

Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.

A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.

They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.

Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.

The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.

This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.

Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.

Update: Therapy helped Margarete and she got her ex back in a healthy relationship. She had a serious conversation with him about the issues in the relationship. And it motivated her ex to work on his issues as well. I teach how to have such conversation with an ex in EBP Advanced.

STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.

After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.

They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.

They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.

That’s the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

re-attracting your ex
“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

  1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
  2. You and your ex should talk and meet each other.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?

The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking it. And they can always tell if you are faking the confidence.

So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)

What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?

The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.

hand written letter
Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.

This message has three purposes.

To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.

You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.

To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.

You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.

To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.

You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.

You want to give them something to chew on.

They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.

If you want to see some sample messages, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.

Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.

Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.

He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.

In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.

Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.

Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.

He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.

When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.

He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.

I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.

He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.

The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.

When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.

They got back together after she broke up with her ex.

Texting Your Ex To Rebuild Attraction and Lead to a Meetup

Once you have re-established contact with your ex, you can start texting each other like you would text someone you are interested in dating. Except this time, you both already know each other so things will be a bit different.

In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.

If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)

texting your ex
It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.

But if you really need to have a serious conversation over text, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)

Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.

Texting Rule No. 1: Never send them an empty message.

An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”

“Hey, How are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)”

Texting Rule No. 2: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Texting Rule No. 3: Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. And since you have a LOT of experience traveling there, I thought I’ll ask you. Do you have any recommendation for some fun activities we can do? I am thinking about Zip-lining but I am not sure if it will be worth it since we only have the weekend. ”

There are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be honest. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.

Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.

After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.

(Read more about texting your ex and building attraction via text.)

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date.

I repeat.

Do not call it a date.

If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.

At least not now.

You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.

And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.

Why?

Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.

It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.

Don’t say something like.

”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”

Or

“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.

Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along

Maggi’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.

They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.

But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.

He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.

But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.

Maggi kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Maggi felt rejected and lost hope.

The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Maggi found out later).

He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.

And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Maggi because he wanted to keep her as an option.

He wanted his cake and eat it too.

Maggi eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.

When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Maggi was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.

Maggi decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.

Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.

When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.

They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.

And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.

To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.

Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst

When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.

So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.

Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.

You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.

Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex

Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,

“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”

How does that make you feel?

It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.

But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?

If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.

Be on The Lookout For Tests

In an ideal world, we would all just be honest with each other, trust each other and say what’s on our mind.

But the world is not ideal. And people put each other through subtle tests to understand their intentions and the truth.

There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.

They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons.

For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.

If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.

It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.

Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more importnt than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.

It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.

Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.

Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.

After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.

She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.

When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.

When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,

“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”

The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.

Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much that sentence affected her.

“You shouldn’t keep your hopes up”

The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.

The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.

Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.

This test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.

But she didn’t, and she failed the test.

Although, it wasn’t the worst thing to happen to her. After the meetup, she focused on moving on and fully accepted the breakup. It took her a while but she got completely over her ex within three months.

Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.

Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person as well?

If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?

Recommended Reading: How To Talk About Getting Back Together With Your Ex

Have an Equal Relationship

You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.

You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.

This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.

If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.

Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone

One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.

You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.

You should be respectful, but you should also flirt.

In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.

  1. Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
  2. Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
  3. Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.

When and How To Talk About Getting Back Together?

You and your ex should ideally both be interested in the idea of getting back together before you talk about it. As you both spend more time together, their will be times where you both will naturally speak about it. When you do, try to be honest, clear and confident. Don’t be needy or insecure about it. Remember, you only want them back if you both can have a healthy long term relationship. If that’s not possible, then you should be willing to walk away from them.

Recommended Reading: How You and Your Ex Can Get Back Together Using Honesty, Respect and Communication

Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!

Mary McAllistor

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

What Are The Chances of Getting An Ex Back?

According to our study, around 30% of couples reunite after breaking up. But only 15% of the total participants stayed together after reconciliation.

But there are a lot of factors that go into this. Things like age of the couple, how strong their connection was, reason for the breakup, how they react after the breakup and whether or not they can fix what was broken.

We’ve designed a quiz to help you figure out your chances of getting back together. Click here to take it.

Recommended Reading: Do Couples Get Back Together? – A Detailed Study

What Is The Fastest Way To Get Your Ex Back?

The fastest way to get your ex back is to give them space, focus on self-improvement and reach out to them with confidence. In other words, follow the advice in the above article. The faster you heal from the breakup, stop panicking and become a better version of yourself, the faster you can get them back.

I have seen clients get back with their ex within weeks. But most of the time, it takes 1-6 months. For a rare few, it took more than a year to get back in a healthy relationship.

And again, the thing you should focus on shouldn’t be how fast you can get them back. Instead, you should focus on getting them back in a healthy relationship. It’s not the speed that matters here, it’s the quality of the relationship when you get back together.

The reason most people want their ex back fast is because they are afraid of losing them. They are afraid their ex will move on if they don’t act fast. And that’s not really something you can control. In fact, most people, in an attempt to win their ex back fast, end up pushing their ex further away.

Is there a way to ensure my ex doesn’t move on?

Unfortunately, there’s no way to stop your ex from moving on or getting over you. You can’t control what another human being wants to do.

The only thing you can do is give them space and focus on things you can control. Following the above plan increases your chances of getting them back. And it works even if your ex moves on.

My best advice is to not be so scared of your ex moving on or getting over you. I have seen a lot of couples move on to other relationships only to find themselves back with each other after a few months or a few years. If your connection is truly special and if you follow the above plan, you will most likely get back together.

If I Give My Ex Space, Will They Come Back?

A lot of exes do tend to come back when you give them space. But there is no guarantee. Moreover, just because they come back does not necessarily mean the rekindled relationship will be a healthy one. If they left once, they may leave again unless you fix the issues that lead to the breakup.

Instead of hoping they will come back, I want you to realize that you can do things to either get them back or move on from them. You can take control of what happens in your life rather than just hope and wait for your ex to come back to you. Following the advice in the above article will help you do exactly that.

Recommended Reading: 9 Signs Your Ex Will Come Back

Recommended Reading: Will He Come Back? Why Do Ex Boyfriends Come Back?

Does The No Contact Rule Help In Getting An Ex Back?

The no contact rule helps in the process, but it can’t fix the issues that lead to the breakup. Only you can do that. In our study, we found that people who got back together and stay together credited “Self-Improvement” as the main reason for their success. The No Contact Rule was a close second.

Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule Explained

Recommended Reading: What To Do After The No Contact Rule

It’s Been a While Since The Breakup. I Still Love My Ex After Months/Years. What Should I Do?

If it’s been a while since the breakup, and you still have strong feelings for your ex, it could be because of the following reasons.

  • You have not made an attempt to heal from the breakup.
  • You have not processed what happened in a healthy way.
  • You have low self-esteem and you find it hard to rediscover your identity after the breakup.
  • The connection you had with your ex was truly special to you. Your ex was truly special for you. And it’s hard to find that connection again.

Regardless of the reason, you should try your best to heal form the breakup and move on from them. If you feel your connection was special, it may even be a good idea to reach out to them and test the waters. The following resources should help.

Recommended Reading: I Still Love My Ex – What To Do And How To Cope

Recommended Reading: How To Get Your Ex Back After a Year or More

I Think My Ex Still Loves Me. What Should I Do To Get Back Together?

If you are pretty sure that your ex has strong feelings for you, then you should still give each other some time apart to think things through. Follow the above plan but keep the no contact period relatively short. Maybe about three weeks. You can also choose to stay in touch with your ex as long as you are both working on self-improvement and self-growth.

Ultimately, you both need to grow individually before you can get back together.

Recommended Reading: How You and Your Ex Can Get Back Together Using Respect, Honesty and Communication?

Is There a Way To Support Me Through This Process?

Yes, we offer a free email course that will help you through each stage of this 5 step process. Our readers say that the email series feels like a lifeline to them after a tough breakup. It helps you heal, reminds you to focus on the right things and gives you some (more) advanced tips to get your ex back.

To subscribe, you need to take a quiz. Click the button below to take the quiz.

Consider Getting Therapy, Joining a Support Group Or Breakup Coaching

In addition, a great way to support you through this journey is by getting help from a mental health professional. Particularly, someone who is an expert in breakups. A good therapist can help a lot in processing what happened and finding a way to move forward. An experienced breakup coach can also help with the breakup and figuring out the best way to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.

If the idea of therapy does not sound good to you, you can also look into joining a breakup support group in your area. Speaking to others going through the same thing can be very helpful.

References:

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (1994). Gender and working models of attachment: Consequences for perceptions of self and romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00055.x

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours

Park, J., Wood, J., Bondi, C., Del Arco, A., and Moghaddam, B. (2016). Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci 36, 3322–3335. https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/11/3322

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/reasons-ex-texting-after-breakup_l_5ce3360ce4b0e69c18f06b02

Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540

Cope MA, Mattingly BA. Putting me back together by getting back together: Post-dissolution self-concept confusion predicts rekindling desire among anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):384-392. doi:10.1177/0265407520962849

Kupeli, N., Schmidt, U. H., Campbell, I. C., Chilcot, J., Roberts, C. J., & Troop, N. A. (2018). The impact of an emotionally expressive writing intervention on eating pathology in female students. Health psychology and behavioral medicine, 6(1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2018.1491797

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-therapy

Larson GM, Sbarra DA. Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):399-406. doi:10.1177/1948550614563085

Experience of Others With Update

We emailed our commenters to update on their situation and give whatever valuable lessons they have to share. A lot of them were kind enough to give an update. So you can see their original comment at the time of the breakup and an update. Some of these updates are after almost 10 years, while others are only after a few years.

All the original comments and their updates can be found in the comment section below.

You will find a variety of perspectives and advice below. You may not resonate with it all. But one common theme you will find is that you are going to be okay, no matter what.

Some important points about the experience section –

  • To keep the update section fair, we have only included updates from people who publicly posted on our website at one point of time. These do not include updates from our customer and clients, the information of which is always kept private.
  • To provide a complete picture of what happens after a breakup, we posted updates from everyone who replied. We did not omit out an update or a perspective because of a personal bias or to create a certain narrative (such as all exes come back).
  • The updates are not edited. They are posted the same way we received them.
  • This is a slow and ongoing project. We are going to keep reaching out to people and continue posting the updates here.

Are these comments authentic and genuine?

To provide full transparency, you can see the original comment by clicking on the comment link. You can also find the original comments that were made years ago on web archive.(I’ll make a more detailed page for this if needed)

As for the updates, they were obtained via email by emailing the commenters, the proof of which can be provided on request.

But more importantly, read the comment section. These are real stories. As you read these stories, you will have no doubts about the authenticity of these comments.

268 comments ...add one
  • Beth

    Hi there!

    My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago and I have no idea why and neither does any of my (or his) friends or family. One of his mates said to me that he doesn't think that my ex knows why he did it and another said that he doesn't think my ex gave it much thought. There wasn't anything wrong in our relationship at all, and I really do mean that. The only thing was that he was nearly 6 years older than me but when we first started seeing each other this was a problem but we moved past his because his feelings overrode it and he realised that I'm much more mature than most people my age.

    And then our relationship was beautiful, and we were the couple that everyone was jealous of. We both believed we had a future together and spoke quite frequently about this future (and most of the time it was him bringing it up!). We never really argued, had never fallen out and we made each other so happy and we had so much in common as well as having our own interests. Everyone I have spoken to says they don't understand and they're sure he will realise what he's lost, regret it and see sense. The only thing I can think of is that he's been having a very hard time in his job recently because he's at a place in his life where he needs to start a proper career and I know that this has been heavily bothering him for a while now, so perhaps he felt he needed space to sort everything out? I'm just devastated because it was such a shock and came from nowhere and I honestly thought we were a forever couple. When he broke up with me he said everything he adores about me and all the things I've got going for me, he said that his feelings towards me haven't changed at all and that it's just him and something has gone wrong in his head. He's said to his friends that he doesn't understand what went wrong and it was nothing to do with me - it was something in his head that wasn't quite right and he also said that despite breaking up with me, if any guy even tried to try it on with me it would crush him. I just don't understand. But I've been very dignified about it all, I haven't contacted him and I won't. The only thing is that last night it was his sisters birthday (who happens to be one of my close friends prior to mine and my ex's relationship) party and she wanted me to go and he thought I should go (he said so when we broke up). So I went, I arrived with my best mate (who's a male) and another good friend who my ex always though fancied the pants off me. My ex gave me a hug when I arrived and had a bit of banter with me and I went along with it but very cooly.

    All his friends wanted to talk to me and dance with me and it was a really great night. I didn't ignore him at all but I didn't go out of my way to speak to him, it was always him speaking to me. I thought I caught him looking at me a few times but this could be my imagination.

    At the end when I was leaving he waited inside so he could say goodbye and he gave me a really long hug and looked back at me as I was walking out. To me this all makes no sense because it seems like he still wants me yet he broke up with me. Did I do the right thing here? Do you think he was just confused and broke up with me without thinking and now he's regretting that? Do you think he will come back to me after some time and space? What's the best thing for me to do right now?

    Please help me!

    B

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      It could be he is regretting his decision or it could be he is just missing being with you. The best thing for you to do right now is give him space.

      Reply
    • Beth

      [10 Years Update] Gosh, you know I don’t even remember leaving this comment! So funny to read something I wrote so many years ago. I was 18 at the time!

      So we actually got back together about 3 weeks after we broke up. He went on holiday with his family and I went on a work trip, and when I got back I decided to write him a letter. I didn’t want to do it via text, because that would seem like I required a reply. But at the same time there was SO much I felt I hadn’t said to him. So much that I felt but had never articulated because we had only been together for 8 months at the time! A letter seemed appropriate.

      A few days after I sent the letter, we bumped into each other on a night out and he poured his heart out to me. He was crying on my shoulder in the street and said he had so many regrets. We agreed to meet, sober, in the week. And we did. We chatted through everything and essentially he had just had a life crisis but realised losing me was the worst thing and the whole thing just put everything into perspective for him.

      Flash forward 10 years to 2024, we’ve been married for almost 4 years, and welcomed our first baby girl last summer! Together almost 11 years now and those 3 weeks seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I truly believe we both needed to go through that to have the life & relationship we have now.

      I always held onto the quote “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end” and I live by that now. If something is meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. If not, all it means is something better is around the corner. Plus if a man really wants you, he’ll let you know. I didn’t text or call him once whilst we were broken up. I just sent the letter saying what I needed to say (for me more than him) and never needed a reply. It was him who realised his errors and essentially declared his undying love for me (lol!). And these experiences always make you stronger. I’m grateful I went through this, more than I can say! And I know it worked out well for me in the end, but I’m sure other people have equally happy endings even if it didn’t result in them getting back together.

      Hope that will provide some comfort for your readers!

      Many thanks!

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you so much for the inspiring story and your words of wisdom. Yes, this will provide a lot of comfort to our readers. Much appreciated.

        Reply
  • Jennifer

    Hi Kevin,

    First of all, thank God I googled for some advice lol and I found this site, and I was in "WOW", so many things makes so much sense. I have a three (almost four) year old son with my ex boyfriend, we used to live together, and because of trust issues we didn't work out. He was acting very immature, always wanted to be with his friends and never help me out with our son. Due to him being abusive, we separated and almost three years will be in September this year of not living together. We have had our sleep over moments, and still jealousy nonsense at times, where he will get bothered if I went out to a club or just out with friends; I am independent and live with my child, of course he has visitation rights but only have our son once or twice during the week, never a weekend. Recently, he has his new "girlfriend" around my son everytime my son is over... it bothers me, but I don't waste time arguing, so when I am calmed he comes at me with texts and calls unexpected with he still wants to hook up or he still loves me and will always love me, I am the best mother and woman he ever met and thanks God for me, etc. At other times, he acts different and cruel and will make me feel bad about my image and call me fat sometimes... Before my son was born, we were already in a relationship for almost 4 years; just thought you should know. Yesterday after he dropped off my son at daycare, we spent like almost 2 hours on the phone, talking about the whole situation, about almost everything that was bothering me about his girlfriend trying to make my son call her mommy and imature things like that, I never met her and don't plan to, since my ex himself said she is not his real girlfriend..I feel like my ex will never grow up at times..or he doesn't know what he wants, he is 29 this year, I just turned 27. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused me, and if he ever finds out that I've been with another man, he will not be able to get over that and not be able to be back with me.. *I am confused with those words, I don't know what to think about what he said.* Even though he is dating someone, do I still have a chance to get him back to me if I were able to forgive him? I don't know what to do? Should I do the 30 to 2 months no contact plan, and since we have a child, only pass the phone to our child and let him speak to his dad... PLEASE ADVICE ME.

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      He is saying that just so he can have you as a backup. The thought of you moving on scares him and he is using this as a bait to keep you from moving on. Yes, do 2 months no contact. Then get back in touch with him. Have a few fun dates with him, and then give him an ultimatum. Either he commits to you or you move on. Be prepared and don't think of it as a bluff. He might try to call your bluff and say that he can't commit. If he does say that, move on and start dating other guys. When he realizes what he is losing, he will probably come crawling back to you.

      Reply
      • Jennifer

        Kevin, thanks for replying, I started the no contact yesterday, and since we have a child together, he calls everyday, but im just passing the phone to our three year old and let them speak and then hang up. Ive not texted or called him at all. Im going to do two months no crossing words with him, which the fact that our son's birthday is coming up in May im a little upset and dont want to sound bitter but know that his new girlfriend will be present at.my son's birthday party that his dad throws. (Every year i celebrate my son birthday on a saturday and my ex celebrates it the sunday, next day after.)

        Reply
    • Jennifer

      [10 Years Update]

      Good afternoon,

      I am wowed how much time passed and remembered how heart broken I was so many years ago. Update wise ::: my son now is 14 years old and his father has had about like 8-10 different girlfriends to my knowledge, and I have moved on, currently in a healthy relationship so far. I lasted three years of not even dating after my son’s father to completely heal and focus on my peace of mind first.

      Thank you,
      Jennifer

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Jennifer,

        Thank you for the update. I am happy to hear that you are in a healthy relationship and have moved on.

        Do you remember what made you stop wanting him back? And what do you think helped you most to find peace? What would you advice someone going through a similar situation?

        Reply
        • Jennifer

          Good morning,

          Thank you. I seen that throughout the years his behavior never changed or improved at all, he still tries to be controlling and uses my son at times but my son and I both learned to ignore him and we both gone to therapy. I learned that he will never change and I didn’t want him anymore, his possessive behavior and disrespect got overrated. Overwhelming still and he is still is abusive towards us verbally and emotionally drained my son and I to the max where my son is looking to be 18 years old already so he don’t have to keep staying every other weekend with him.

          I believe what helped me made me find peace was my own son. Raising him mainly by myself and going through a lot of life challenges made me realize that my son was the most important and precious person I ever had and that he is at no fault at all for what his father put us through. My son is all that I need to have the motivation to keep going and his happiness means so much.

          Not sure if my situation may be related to others going through the same, as I was in a physical and mental abusive relationship. Extreme domestic violence case. However, I would say my advice to the woman leaving her husband/significant other whatever… just leave, I know it’s always easier said than done but to trust the process of healing. Love yourself first. Get up everyday and LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, as life’s so short to wait on an idiot who doesn’t love nor respect you. Leave him, let him be. Don’t stalk his social media, do that for your own sake. Things will get better and always remain positive. Well I can keep going on, but I think I covered the most important part.

          You’re welcome & thank you!

          Reply
          • Kevin

            Dear Jennifer,

            Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your words are beautiful and will bring hope to many who are going through something similar.

  • Leah

    Hi. So my (now ex) boyfriend and I were dating for about a year, and it was an absolutely amazing relationship. We were very happy and loved each other very much and even planning on moving in together soon. A few weeks ago, him, his friends and I planned a trip to an event where we got a hotel. His friends (who have become my friends as well of course) and I were going together the first day while he was to meet with us the next morning because he had work. We all got drunk, I blacked out for a lot of the night unfortunately, and me and my boyfriend got in a fight over the phone and I eventually went to bed in the pull out couch crying and very drunk, trying to sleep it off. We discussed earlier that I had the pull out couch while the three of them would sleep in the bedroom of the hotel room among the two beds. One of his friends decided to crawl into the bed with me as I was in that state and began to touch me and took advantage of me. I don’t remember too much of the details but I know we had sex. I was so disgusted with myself and so upset and scared of losing my boyfriend I begged the friend to not tell him and he agreed. So two weeks after that (a week ago from right now), we were all in town together again, and the friend got very drunk and told another friend, who gave us the ultimatum of telling my boyfriend before he did himself. I ended up telling him, but didn’t get a chance to explain any of the details of the whole story before he got so upset and heartbroken and stormed off. He blocked me on everything. One of our mutual friends passed on my message where I try to explain I was taken advantage of and i was so sorry for putting myself in the situation and all that and he just said he didn’t care to hear from me or him and what’s no part of us. He’s so hurt. It’s been a week now and he still has me blocked on everything but I’ve sent him a few emails he told a mutual friend he saw but still doesn’t want to talk to me. One of my friends also saw him on tinder. What do i do? Would the 30 day no contact rule (which in my case would be to stop emailing him I guess, since he has been reading them) apply to me still? Or should I do all I can to apologize to him and try to talk to him?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space to process and cool off. He may begin to see reason after some time has passed and he starts to think more rationally. You could apologize once more, before starting no contact. In the meantime, since his friends already know of the situation, you could ask them to help you out, since it wasn't entirely your fault.

      Reply
      • Leah

        Thank you so much! I talked to his friend that it happened with and he said he will try to contact my bf and tell him the truth of taking advantage of me (he’s blocked from him on everything too), once he does and if he’s still upset and doesn’t want to talk to me do i still do the 30 day NC? thanks again!

        Reply
      • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

        Since he's not talking to you, for the time being just apply no contact first. If he's still upset and doesn't want to talk to you, give him more time but I'm sure he'll eventually come around.

        Reply
    • Leah

      [6 Years Update] Hi Kevin,
      What a wonderful surprise to see your email pop up again in my inbox. I’d like to sincerely thank you for what you do… your program truly helped me through one of the darkest times of my life. I remember waiting on the edge of my seat & refreshing my inbox like crazy for your words and how they helped me immensely. Even though they’d never admit it, I knew my friends were sick of hearing about my heartbreak at that point - so hearing from you felt like hearing from a friend who was still more than willing to talk about it. And your emails always made me feel so much better and taught me so much about myself and relationship dynamics as a whole. They truly made me feel not alone.

      As for what happened since then…. the ex this was all about is actually my current boyfriend again :) I did allow the break up to happen and followed just about all your advice. He went from seeming like he wanted nothing to do with me, moved on, etc to eventually being the one fighting to win ME back.

      Here we are six years later living together and excited for our future. From time to time I even bring up how grateful I am for your emails all those years ago. You didn’t know me personally but you helped me in a way no one else could at the time, and now here we are happier than ever.

      Reply
  • Kaitlyn

    Hi. My boyfriend and I were dating for almost six years. We started dating in high school and now we are in college. We moved in together this year and everything was going pretty well until he got a job and was gone a lot. He broke up with me 2 months ago and had even started a fling with a girl he works with. That ended a few weeks ago.

    Last week we had hung out in person for the first time since the split and he admitted that the reason he ended things with the other girl was because his feelings for her were nothing compared to what he still felt for me. But, he says he is enjoying being single and doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to lead me on. After hanging out, I told myself I would start no contact. It's been a week, but I guess I am just concerned that he is enjoying me not contacting him.

    I know it's a common concern, but I am worried that he won't miss me and space apart will make him realize that he is having more fun being single and not having to worry about having another person to care and be there for. What do I do?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Continue no contact. Even if he is enjoying himself, let him do so. If people enjoyed being single so much, no one would ever start a relationship. Eventually he will miss you.

      Reply
    • Kaitlyn

      [10 Years Update]
      Wow what a trip down memory lane re-reading my comment. It brings me right back to exactly how I felt in that moment and I would like to share my personal experience in follow-up to help anyone else going through something similar. I really relied on sites like this and advice/stories from other people to get me through this incredibly dark and difficult time in my life.

      What happened with your ex? Did you move on? Did you get back together?

      We stayed in contact after the breakup. I was obsessed with the idea of “getting him back”. So I worked on myself by working out, making friends and going out to be more social. I admit that all of this was to appear as if I had moved on and was entirely for the wrong reasons. We occasionally hung out and then it gave me false hope that we would work things out just for him to continue his single life coming in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. I did eventually put myself back out there and started dating. I wasn’t ready but I thought it would help. It did not. But surrounding myself with solid girlfriends helped tremendously.

      In all my efforts to appear like I had my life together, I slowly started to actually take care of myself and it became less about him and more about me. About 2 years later, I met my (now) husband. And I would never trade any of this heartbreak or experience for anything because it truly helped make me stronger. I will say, my ex did profess his love for me once he saw I became serious with someone else (they always do). It was too little too late, of course.

      Can you share any valuable lessons you learned?

      I learned how important it was to surround myself with people who loved me and were going to lift me up during such a hard time. I needed people to be honest with me and not tell me what I wanted to hear. It’s important to focus on yourself and if the opportunity to get back together comes up, then you can choose for yourself and hopefully have learned some things along the way.

      What advice would you give someone going through a similar situation?

      Take it one day at a time. I know it’s cliche. But I remember telling myself “just make it through this work week” and “just make it through the end of the month”, “make it through to this holiday” and one day I just stopped counting the days. I stopped counting the days it had been since we broke up. And stopped counting the days until I gave myself permission to reach out to him. And just started living my life again. That was so freeing and I met the true love of my life at a time when I was ready.

      I hope that helps!
      Warm regards,
      Kaitlyn

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Dear Kaitlyn,

        Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your advice is so encouraging and hopeful. It's going to be immensely helpful for our readers who are going through a breakup. I appreciate it a lot.

        Reply
  • Felice

    Hi Kevin,

    I just broke up with my boyfriend last Thursday which is five days ago. after the break up, i practically felt so hurt and i didnt know what to do. during the first might of break up, i called him because i miss him so much and i want him back. the reason to our break up is because he felt sorry and he felt hurt every time he see me cry, and yeah during our relationship, i cried in front of him so many times, which i regret after all. because he actually broke up of relationship, he suggested us to become best friends until he felt like he's mature enough to be in a relationship, till then we could continue again. but i didnt want, and he was okay with it.

    but then five days ago, he actually broke up this relationship saying he cannot continue anymore because no matter what he does, he will always make me cry. so he couldn't bear to see me like this anymore. but i want him back. we had so many good times together and i could not let go of the past. the next day after the break up, i ask if he wanted to get back together but he said he can't. he wants to have fun and enjoy his highschool life with his friends first. i kept of begging him and i cried. i was a total messed up girl. i know i shouldn't have done that but i couldn't hold myself. and then i agreed to be his best friend. but every time i see him at school, i feel like crying and keeps on reminiscing the old memories again. and its impossible to do NC since we are classmates. what should i do? i want to get him back but i dont know what to do.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      You can do no contact even if you are classmates. Just treat him like you would any other classmate. Don't have any conversation with him for more than 5 minutes. And don't talk about anything personal.

      Reply
    • Felice

      [10 Years Update] Hi!

      To begin with, I totally have forgotten that I’ve ever wrote that comment. Looking back, I couldn’t believe that I was going thru such a hard time over a high-school breakup! Haha. It has been 10 years since I wrote that comment. Well.. guess what? I am now married, not to my ex but to someone whom I cherish so much as the love of my life.

      Regarding my ex, after we broke up 10 years ago, we got back together 1 year later, we sorted our issues back then, and continued our relationship for another 4+ years before permanently ending our relationship..

      At that time, another issues came along. My family did not approve of our relationship.. and there were also financial issue, which led me thinking that we won’t be able to reach the next step of our relationship, which is getting married. Along the relationship, I grew further apart from him, because I was tired of the constant pressure my family gave. On the other hand, he always seeks approval from my family which kind of pressured me as well. In short, I felt guilty that I couldn’t give him the assurance that he needed.

      It took me a year to put some thoughts onto our relationship before I finally took the courage and ended our relationship, so that we wouldn’t waste our time. I felt sooo relieved.

      Months later, I met my current husband and everything started to fall into place, and my ex also met someone else, I am happy for him.

      We don’t keep in touch anymore, but I don’t regret those years we had together.

      My advice to anyone out there who’s going thru a breakup, believe me, as cliche as it sounds.. time will heal.

      One day you’ll look back and wonder why did it hurt so much when now it doesn’t even matter anymore? Especially when you finally meet the right person, everything will work out. Before that, focus on upgrading yourself and be the best version of yourself before you meet someone new.

      Learn to love yourself first. I started working out, losing weight, meeting new people, learning new skills and many more. That really helped me going thru the 2nd breakup.

      When you are content with yourself, the right person will come along, your standard in looking for a partner will also be higher. so chin up, you’ll be okay!!

      Reply
  • R

    I have fallen in love with a man I'm scared I'm gonna lose him forever he started dating someone but never stopped seeing me he calls checks on me he makes time to see me he asks me to send him pics bc he misses me but recently he just told me he's moving in with her after only dating 8 months n has not stopped seeing me he tells me he loves me and wants me in his life how can he want me in his life but be moving in with someone else he tells me he loves me we have been thru a lot together he's someone that's very special to me n I'm scared I'm gonna lose him forever i never pushed him to be with me bc I didn't think he would leave me he never was someone to rush into anything he has been hurt in the past I'm stunned he's moving in so quickly with this girl why not me after so long he got upset that other man were calling me even after he told me about his move do u think I have lost him forever ? Do u think I stand a chance? Please help I really need advice

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      You do stand a chance but only if you cut all contact with him for a month and go on a few dates during that time. He wants to keep you as his backup for as long as he wants. You have to stand up for yourself and refuse to be his backup.

      Reply
    • R

      [10 Years Update] Wow this email took me by surprise at first I wanted to ignore it but then it made me really think and also see how much has changed and also how I have changed
      As for the ex he shortly after moving in with this woman married her and then shortly after they had 2 kids it was lightening speed there was no wasting time however this man has never lost contact with me we often talk about life we do not see each other as I too have moved in life sadly I have not met the one who made my heart feel the way this man did but I believe he is out there over the years I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with me why wasn’t I good enough was I so ugly he was embarrassed of me why did he move so fast with her

      after a lot of soul searching and self care I realized this man wasn’t looking for love he saw an opportunity that would make his life easier as this women is very well off financially as with me he would have to work with me to gain the things he wanted like a huge house in a wealthy neighborhood new boats, trucks , toys and even inheritances

      When realizing this it hurt to the core I couldn’t believe it to be true until one day he said it he told me I have always been the one he loved and that he never thought he would still think about me so many years later

      For me I learned to love him from a distance and I wish him well he’s the one who has to live with his choices where I am free and able to do as I please I have learned my value and hope to meet a man that values me with out question

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you so much for sharing your story and the update. I truly appreciate it.

        Reply
  • David

    Hi Kevin,

    Malarie and I had been dating shy of three years. Recently she went to Florida to visit one of her single friends. When she came back she broke it off with me and told me that since she was 17 she has been in a relationship and needs time and space and to be single. LOGICALLY, our relationship was great. We rarely fought, we showed eachother affection everyday. We had a cat and loved him to death. We both promote our dreams to eachother, I help her with homework and have promoted her degree (which her parents never did). Throughout the two weeks we have broken up we both have professed our love for eachother (against your rules). She has talked to most of my family members to insist that she just needs to be on her own and that its not me and that she doesnt want them to be upset with her. She insists that she holds hope to be together "one day". When I told her that I didnt believe in "hope" i belived in making things happen she was pretty torn up about it. Right now we have an apartment and she is staying there alone. I have been living at a relatives place. We agreed on breaking the lease but it takes 60 days. So we are FORCED to have contact when figuring out the bills..the cat... ect.. She wants to get her own apartment and live on her own (one of the reasons she broke up with me).

    I'm fairly certain that if we saw eachother on the weekend she would intimate with me. I guess I just dont know what to do in this situation. All of your points are correct..I'm scared for a rebound relationship (that was what ours was 3 years ago). We are both "relationship" people, we dont sleep around. I go to the gym, I play music. I'm trying to be positive. I'm setting up a date this Friday (even though i could care less). I just want your thoughts on the situation. I know it sounds like there is more to this...but i really dont think that there is.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      David,

      It's quite possible that she feels like she needs some single time to figure out herself. A lot of people do need to be single for a while in their life and I think she is being very honest with you about the reason for breakup. I guess the only thing you can do is give her the single time. Even if she goes for a rebound, there is nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, it won't last long this time.

      Reply
      • David

        Thanks. So do I do the 30 day thing? Or do I just wait for her to contact me after 30 days? being that she needs alone time, Is it more about when she wants to contact me? I am very proud of the way she wants to find herself, I truly just want her to be happy. Even if it means we are never together again.

        Reply
        • Kevin

          It's entirely up to you. If you are willing to wait for more than 30 days for her to contact you, then do so. I think you should just follow no contact right now and decide after 30 days if you want to contact her or not.

          Reply
          • David

            Just wanted to let you know your steps worked. I have been back with my girl friend for a year and couldnt be better.

            Thank You!

            Dave

          • Kevin

            Thanks for the update David. I am glad my website helped. :)

    • David

      [10 Years Update]

      Kevin,

      I often think about how you guys helped me back then. I remember feeling empty, sad and lost. I credit your 30 days of no contact as a crucial reason why we got back together. My advice is very much along the lines of your original advice. No contact for 30 days! During that time, I made sure that I went out and did things that I wouldn't normally do. Just anything to keep busy and meet people. I think during that time it made me realize that I was an individual and she was an individual (I know that sounds obvious but when you are with someone for a while things start to mesh together) While we were split up, I ended up doing things I wouldn't normally do. Going out and playing pool, joining a gym, going to a movie on my own ect.. When we eventually started talking again, I had a lot of things to talk about. I believe that was important. Showing that you are independent during the time you break up and that you are enjoying life.

      I think it's important that when you start trying to initiate contact again that you show that you are being positive and supportive. I only reached out to her because she wanted me to and she was happy to speak to me after the short period of non-contact. I do remember after the 30 days helping my ex (my ex at the time) pack her things prior to went she went to Florida.

      That resonated with her because she couldn't find anyway else willing to help, and she knew I was hurt that she was moving. She did not end up moving, we got back together, and we are now married with two children.

      Anyway. Thank you for the advice back then. It certainly worked!

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for sharing the update and I am so happy to hear that you are both still together and thriving. I wish you the best in every way.

        Reply
  • Edward

    Hey,
    I'm really missing my ex-girlfriend, we've broke up at 14 of February and I couldn't find out the reason of our break up yet, she refused the valentine gift, I've tried to contact her that day but nope.. she ignored my texts/calls, I got so upset and I had to break up with her, I think this was her choice.

    We never had any problem before, I've spent days and nights thinking what I did wrong but I just can't find anything, probably she's just bored of me or dunno..

    After we broke up, I contacted her after a week or more, I just wanted to know how is she doing and such.. and after that she didn't even look after me till her birthday came (a month later), I was holding myself to not wish her a happy birthday cause she doesn't even look after me, but I couldn't handle it, I wrote her a text at night and I apologized for being late. She replied on that text but I didn't text her back.

    Now I really want to get back with her, I mean I meet her sometimes at high school but we just smile at each others and continue our way, we didn't spoke IRL after we broke up.

    So yeah, it's pretty messed up, but could you please help me Kevin? I mean could you give me some suggestions of what to do to get her back?
    Thanks.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Just follow the plan Edward. Everything you need is in the article. She is young and confused and so are you. I'll suggest you at least date a few other girls before you try to get back with her.

      Reply
    • Edward

      [10 Years Update]

      Hello,

      Reflecting on an experience from a decade ago, when I was just sixteen, brings mixed emotions. At the time, the pain felt overwhelming, almost unbearable, yet looking back now, it seems like a distant memory. I’ve learned to forgive my younger self and accept that some lessons are best learned through experience.

      One crucial lesson from that time is the importance of moving on. It's possible to give too much love and affection to those who may not reciprocate in the way we hope. This isn't to say they are bad people; it simply means that not everyone can match the intensity of our feelings. Realizing this has taught me not to force relationships.

      Fast forward ten years, I find myself in a much happier place. I have not only grown personally and professionally but also found true love. Recently, I got engaged to the love of my life, marking a new, joyous chapter in my journey.

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you so much for sharing your story and the lessons. It's great perspective and will surely help our readers.

        Reply
  • Victoria

    hey Kevin,
    my Ex and I met our freshman year of high school, we became best friends instantly, and talked on and off until our junior year, we became even more close. We started dating May of our Junior year and everything was absolutely fantastic. A couple months down the line, I would get upset over silly little things and call him and make an attempt to repair things. The little arguments would build up over time, and eventually it was clear they were upsetting him. At the end of January of this year, he was done. He first tried to break up with me on my 18th birthday which was the 19th of January; then officially ended things on the 28th. He said he still wanted to be friends. Things were awful in school because I have 3 classes with him. When I regained my sanity in the middle of Febuary, I started to give myself space. (I was constantly "accidentally" bumping into him in the halls, texting him first and even chasing after him in the hallway). The end of Febuary he tells be he wants to be friends again, a couple days after that he curses me out for no good reason. I tell him I want space. It's been 11 days. I don't message him on any form of social media, but i do talk to him in school. is that a good idea? should i ignore him in person even though i have three classes with him? i've read almost all your articles but i'm still not sure what to do. He's a great guy, even though he has been a jerk and flirts with other girls in front of my face (I'm convinced he does this just to bother me). But I would really appreciate some advice, because I'm pretty lost on what to do.

    P.S.- I don't mean to sound like a whiny teenage girl here, but I never believed in love until I met my Ex which is why the breakup really tore me up. please help, thank you so much!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Victoria,

      Yes, you should apply no contact. Don't ignore him completely when you see him in class. Just treat him like an acquaintance and try not to have any personal conversation with him.

      Reply
    • Victoria

      [10 Years Update]

      lol… I wrote that in high school when I was 17! Cannot even explain the level of cringe I felt reading that, considering that was certainly not true love!

      Currently in the happiest relationship of my life with the love of my life that I met in college. Have never looked back and I can’t imagine myself with anyone other than my current boyfriend.

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you so much for updating and sharing your situation. Your update will be helpful to readers who are going through a similar situation.

        Can I ask a couple of additional questions?

        What helped you move on from him? Did you ever try to win him back?

        Reply
      • Victoria

        Kylie,

        Well I grew up, my brain matured, and I went to college. I grew into myself and if I even remember correctly, was actually kind of embarrassed I was pining after a guy who didn’t deserve me when I was COMPLETELY out of his league! High school doesn’t last forever, it shouldn’t be taken so seriously, and I’m glad I moved on as quickly as I fell in “love” with him. I do not remember the details as it was over 10 years ago, but it’s funny to look back and see how far I’ve come in terms of maturity. Like I said, the fact that I even wrote that message made my skin crawl!

        Reply
  • Laura

    I tried all these steps before and I should say that they actually work. My (now) ex-bf broke up last October. Our relationship started us good friends though when we met, it was very clear that we were very attracted to each other. We are very good friends (up to this point I think). We talked about not being in a relationship because he moved and we would be doing a long distance relationship if we decided to move forward. After months of talking, we decided to be bf-gf. And then things changed for him. He started to freak out and he told me he was not ready for a serious relationship, that I deserve someone better, that he loves me but he is unsure (you know, like the common blabber). I agreed on the break up and I followed everything on this plan. I did that no contact thing for 3 months, I enjoyed my life and I went out on multiple dates.

    I must admit it was difficult and I missed him so after 3 months, I sent him a text message. I told him I need to talk to him about something. I wanted a clear closure for both of us. My plan of talking to him was to really tell him he was right about the fact that yes, I deserve someone better. But things didn't work out as planned.

    He said he missed me. He was wondering how I was doing. He said he didn't call or text me because he was scared that I'll nag at him or I'll just ignore him. And then after 1 month of talking again, we decided to try again. We are very open about our feelings. We trust each other. We talk almost anything. We say we love each other. We were talking about the future.

    And then when everything seems right, he decided to say the same blabber. He said he was not ready. He was wondering why do we get along so easily (he even wondered if it was platonic) and he was not 100% about us (he is on 95% ). He said our relationship is something new to him and he is scared to dip into it. He doesn't like change that much and being with me is totally life changing.

    Now....I am very confused! What should I do about him? Is it time to leave him alone for good? Should I wait for him and hope that he'll realize what's he's missing? He kept saying he never understands why I understand him so well. Is he just scared? Please help!!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Laura,

      It seems he is just scared. It's for you to decide whether you should move on or try to get him back once again. But whatever you decide, I'll recommend you do no contact again for at least 3 months.

      Reply
    • Paris

      He's scared and or playing a game. I've been there before and even had it happen to me. You may want to think long and hard before getting back in a relationship with him.

      Reply
    • Laura

      [10 Years Update] I honestly don’t remember making this post on some blog or some sort. If I am correct about this person, then I was talking about my now husband.

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Hi Laura,

        Thank you so much for replying. Do you remember what happened after he got doubts again? Did you guys break up a second time or did he just come to his senses?

        Reply
      • Laura

        Kylie,

        We broke up 2 more times after that, then I started dating someone else I liked more than him (at that time) so I chose the other guy over him.

        But I guess I was really meant to be with my husband because when the other relationship didn’t work out, he came to his senses and pursued me again with the intention of getting married. We are now on our 10th wedding anniversary this year.

        Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you for replying. Congrats on the 10th wedding anniversary.

        Reply
  • Adam

    Hey Kevin,

    I came to an extremely busy time in my life these past few months and I took my ex for granted. I was tired, distant, and unaffectionate. She found someone that was very sweet to her and it gave her the strength to walk away after dating me for 2 years. She was obviously so in love with me up until the end and always talked about getting married and whatnot. Her leaving stunned me. Before our relationship began I was aware that the longest she had gone without a relationship was 2 months. She hangs out with this guy a lot because I think it helps her not miss me so much. He asked her to be his gf and she said no and informed me about it.

    We've both struggled to stay true to no contact, especially me. Has periodically texting her and pouring my heart out over this last week or 2 been a deal breaker? Can I start now and have it work? She claims to be very confused but knows that she felt like she got to a point where she felt stuck. Do I stand a chance? Also, we are both going back to our same home town this summer and staying very busy with work while her new distraction lives 2 hours away. What is my % chance of her reaching out to me?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Yes, you do have a chance if you start right now.

      Reply
    • Adam

      [10 Years Update]

      Hey Kevin,

      I think it’s awesome that you’re following up on old messages like this. Reading my note gave me the opportunity to reflect on how grateful I am for where my life is now and I’m excited to be able to hopefully help someone who is going through a similar situation to the one I experienced when I wrote that message 10 (TEN!!!) years ago.

      My ex and I did not get back together. Wherever she is in the world and in her life’s journey, I hope she is as happy as she can possibly be.

      She was my first love and, as often happens with young couples, our relationship ran into the buzzsaw that is college, temptation, and the inevitability of evolving into different people….We held on a little too long through it all and both got hurt more than was necessary. My only regret from the whole ordeal is not having been confident and strong enough to say goodbye quicker. The wisdom to walk away would have saved us both (and me especially) a lot of wounded pride and heartache.

      But after taking that lump, getting humbled, and getting back on my feet, my life has been a complete blessing ever since. I’ve had so much fun, I’ve travelled, I’m healthy, my career is in a fantastic place, and a year and 2 days ago I got married to the most incredible woman I could ever imagine. She’s gorgeous, kind, empathetic, successful, driven….i just can’t say enough great things about her. This first year or marriage FLEW by and I look forward to many, many more.

      So I think my message would be something like this: embrace the pain and desperation you’re feeling right now and understand that it’s normal. Don’t fight against it…life isn’t a Disney movie and when the ship has sailed, let it go. Instead, take that pain and improve yourself. Reflect on the things you did to help end the relationship and try not to ever repeat them again.

      And if you’re young like I was, go out and have some fun! Date lots of girls and make tons of memories.

      It takes time, more than you’d probably like to hear, but eventually you do stop thinking about her, the things you could have done better, etc., and then one day you realize the pain is gone entirely. THEN you’ll be ready for the next woman that will make you feel that strongly again to come into your life and hopefully this time you’ll be ready.

      If you’ve read this far, I really do wish you the best and I promise things will work out. I wish you could see and experience how incredible my life is now, but you’ll just have to take my word for it and wait to experience it for yourself!

      You’re gonna make it, and 10 years from now you’ll look back and smile.

      P.S. Kevin - can you see the exact date I sent you that message? If it was May 12 (my wedding day 10 years later) that would really be something special

      Adam

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for replying and sharing your insights. Very helpful. Congrats on the wedding and I wish you a lifetime of happiness and success in everything you do.

        Your original comment date was May 2, 2014. So you are off by just 10 days. But it's still the same month so that must mean something. :P

        Reply
  • D.F

    So myself and this girl got together beginning of this year, she is 23 and I will be next month.

    We had a few emotional rollercoasters, due to not knowing how the other feels about the situation.

    I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend she said yes.

    We had a arguement in the week.I repremanded her on something she did..

    long story short, it lead to her telling me that she is not planning on giving me false hope in this relationship.

    And that she has been the heart broken girl before and she is not going down that road again.

    She said she does not know what to do from here.I eventually got her apologise,I accepted the apology and said thank you.

    she said you welcome.

    I did not reply after two days.I greeted her and like wise.I said I though about what we spoke about and whether she did too?

    She still hasn't reply since.

    I've decided to ignore her from here on in?.we not that long together, would ignoring her now, be a smart move?.

    Cause I'm confuse about it all.Is she insecure or just playing me??.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      She is afraid of commitment. Apply no contact rule and focus on yourself. If she contacts you, tell her you both need space and time and continue with the plan.

      Reply
    • D.F

      [10 Years Update]

      Lol, wow, I have completely forgotten about this comment.

      So just an update, I have moved on from that moment in my life, and went on to date other people.

      I have been in an exclusive relationship with my current girlfriend for 7 years now, and we are still very much inlove with each other.

      During that time of my comment, I later realized how I was very needy and insecure at the time, and if anything that very situation was a hard time in my life and I put myself through so much turmoil, I however eventually grew stronger, wiser and really put in work on myself.

      A key lesson I took from that was to learn to love yourself first, become a complete person first , and do not rush anyone into relationships. Specifically to men , always give the lady time for her feelings to grow and develop, and when you do enough things right while dating and courting her over time, she will let you know exactly how she feels about you. Be patient, be assertive and never move off your centre as a man.

      Women love a man, who is going about his business and allows her to come to him at her own pace, the difference is definitely that little indifference.

      What I have learnt, love is like a game of tennis, when you hit the ball over the net, you have to wait for the other person to hit the ball back, lol.

      Word of advice, never blow your girl's phone, be secure inself, that when you call or message and she doesn't respond right away, she will get back to you when she is available to do so. A woman with high interest in you will never not make it easy to speak to her.

      Was good of you to reach out, I actually enjoy the topic these days, and always encourage people to be the best version of themselves.

      Reply
  • Roland

    Hey Kevin,

    My situation is a little more complicated (btw sorry if my English sounds strange, I'm from Hungary) but I will try to keep it short - I would really like to hear Your opinion and advice.

    So, we've been very good friends with a girl since 2008, not seeing each other too much, maybe 5-6 times a year, but always flirting. I am 31, she is 30. We had many chances to get together, but we didn't, for 5 years. Somehow we were afraid of rejection, therefore we didn't even touch each other, although we've been sleeping in the same rooms after parties... In the meantime she got married (in 2011) and I did also, in 2012.

    Somehow (maybe due to the "secure feeling" of being married, and having some weaknesses in our marriages), in June 2013 we made it happen. The idea was to have fun once.

    This "fun" repeated in August, but we went too far: we started to have strong emotions that we didn't expect. Sex was so perfect and chemicals started to work so strong that we both fell in love, so deeply that we totally ignored everything else (marriages, work, families, friends, etc.) for months. Of course we played it in secret, but after a while we simply recognized that we can't live like this, and decided to get divorced.

    Since October we've been waiting for the right moment, all the way in secret. We decided to survive Christmas with our husband/wife, and proceed in January/February with moving away. We both treated our partners poorly, having no sex, etc. to give them a clear warning about what will happen. Yes, it was disgusting, but we had no better idea. As a last resort, we would have told them the truth, just to let us go.

    After many months of suffering, the girl's husband discovered our secret. Not even a small amount, but basically everything, which is simply too much for anyone to accept. I felt even sorry for him, I never wanted to hurt anyone - the same way we didn't want to hurt my wife either. They just didn't deserve it - but they didn't deserve us playing our roles anymore either.

    So, after few days they decided to divorce. In the meantime (due to our empty marriage) I agreed with my wife as well about getting divorced. She never discovered what really went down, but she agreed anyway, as she didn't enjoy the "new me".

    But something bad happened: the husband started to play with the emotions of the girl, making big dramas, when he was sick (he had a heart condition!) he refused to go to the doctor, etc. so he was doing pretty childish stuff just to keep the girl with himself. As a very last solution, he offered her that he will forgive everything if she stays with him.

    Guess what. The girl accepted his offer.

    She was really in love with me, we had the best time of our lives together. I moved away, rented a flat for both of us, but she moved here for a day only, then moved back to her husband, saying that she simply can not leave him. She is still attached somehow to him, and she can't let him go. (her decision is not influenced by financials, etc. only feelings for sure).

    Although my friends try to cheer me up, they all agree that she is doing a mistake. The guy is famous of being a good manipulator, and he actually emotionally tortured his previous girlfriend before leaving her (she cheated on him too). Now my love is simply put OFFLINE: her facebook account is deactivated (she loved to use FB), she blocked my phone numbers so I can't call or text her, she is not reading her personal emails. She is not answering to the calls of our common friends either, although we know that they are important for her, she loved our team.

    Her brother is calling me sometimes, saying that he really wanted me to save her from our marriage. He is the only one that could talk to her, but actually she said that she doesn't even want to talk to me, she decided to leave me, go back to her husband and she has nothing else to say. In the meantime she doesn't seem to be honestly happy.

    When she broke up with me I saw that her eyes and her lips are not telling the same. She was cold and tough while we moved out her stuff from the flat, but still, I got some oral sex in the last minute...

    She seems to be definitely confused. I am afraid she is even terrorized at home. Still, her brother recommended me the same as You Kevin: no contact. Let her clean her thoughts up.

    What do you think? Can their 3 year old relationship survive such a hit? Especially knowing that the guy knows EVERYTHING (he hacked her phone and read all the nasty messages, all the love confessions, our future plans, etc.)? Or is it possible that he is only playing with her to make her suffer?

    To be honest, I just want her to be safe and happy, that's my primary goal. Secondary is to get her back (I can't fix my marriage anyway).

    What do you think I should do? Really remain silent and wait? She seemed to be pissed off, even frustrated when I called her after our break-up. She said she is 100% concentrating on fixing her marriage. This sounds very strange as 2 days earlier she said she was the happiest on Earth to finally move in a flat together with me... Although she plays tough, she seems to me totally confused.

    We are 2 weeks after the break-up, and my last email I sent to her 2 days ago. Then I read this article and decided to stop looking for her... but am I doing this right?

    Your help is highly appreciated.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      I think she is just feeling guilty for hurting her husband and is trying to make up for it. His drama is just adding to her guilt. I don't think it will work out in the end. Perhaps, when his health gets better, she will realize she can leave him again. You are right, you need to give her time. In my opinion, she can not find happiness in this guilt-ridden relationship no matter how hard she tries. And if she doesn't find happiness, she will eventually get tired and start looking for it elsewhere.

      Reply
      • Roland

        Thank You Kevin!

        Actually You have just confirmed what I thought so far - although it doesn't mean that she'll find her way back to me. She is exactly the type who is influenced by feeling guilty. But where has the LOVE gone? Does she still have the feeling? Or can the guilt be so strong that it kills her feelings towards me?

        Reply
        • Kevin

          I can almost guarantee that she still has feelings for you. That's why she is avoiding talking to you. And I don't think her feelings will go away easily, even if she tries.

          Reply
          • Roland

            Thank You!

            You are helping me incredibly lot.

            Writing, talking about this crisis seems to help me to digest it, so I actually collected all out nicest moments in a letter. I'm planning to send it to her, as a kind of goodbye letter. I rewrote it several times and removed all negative thoughts, actually I think it will make her smile and of course, desire me a little more. She is pretty sentimental and has a rich emotional life.

            Do you think this is a good idea Kevin? Just to keep her interested?

            At the end I am actually saying goodbye and really feel myself ad a closure - but I secretly hope for the opposite :-)

          • Kevin Thompson

            Roland,

            I don't think an emotional letter is going to help you get her back. In most cases, it even pushes the ex further away. However, if you are ready to end this chapter of your life and you really mean to send this letter as a goodbye, then go ahead. In your case, it might even help since you are left with no other choice but to wait it out.

    • Roland

      [10 Years Update]

      Hello Kevin!

      Woah, 10 years passed already!

      Lots of things have happened in the meantime which I will try to sum up in few sentences.

      2014-2015: I could not forget my ex, but your advices and my friends listening and keeping me company helped a lot to survive that period.
      end of 2015: I accidentally met her at a distant town where she told me that she was not doing fine, she's not happy and always missed me. Very carefully and slowly but we started dating again, but I always knew I was playing with fire. I was holding myself back and tried not to show her how crazy and desperate I was before.
      2016: actually I stepped out of the relationship for a while because I still remembered the scars I got in 2014 and was afraid to get into it fully. At the end of that year I learnt that she got divorced and started to live alone. She contacted me and we spent the Christmas together - it was the first really merry Christmas after 3 years.
      2017: we got together and even if it was a rough start, love helped us resolve the minor conflicts. By the end of the year we moved together and decided to give a it a try, even if it won't last.
      2018 September: we got married.
      2019-2020: we travelled a lot around the world and covid lock down got us even closer than ever before.
      2021: our daughter was born
      2022-2024: we are happy and we don't know why we wasted so many years, but now we do our best to enjoy life. Our relationship will probably last, no matter what happens.

      I'm grateful for the support. I was a good idea to never let go but it was also a good idea to ask for help when I was at the bottom.

      Thank you Kevin.
      Regards
      Me 🙂

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for the update. I appreciate it. Congrats on the marriage and the birth of your daughter. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

        Reply
  • Tiease

    Hey Kevin, so me and my ex-boyfriend had been dating for about 3 years, and we broke up a week after valentine’s day over something stupid that i did. me and my friends got a ride home from a guy that my ex doesn't like. now when i got the ride from him i didn’t know that my ex still didn’t like him. and my ex was nowhere to be found. so when i got home, he texted me and asked me where i was. i told him that i was home, he asked me how and i told him that my friend Sayquan drove me and my friends home. my ex was pissed. he said i was wrong, and i wanted to avoid an argument so i just replied back with an “ok”. the next day, he doesn’t really talk to me, i’m thinking “ok, he’s still mad it’s cool he will get over it.” but no we got into a text-fight and i was confused as why he was so angry, it was all innocent, and he told me that he didn’t like the guy but wouldn't give me a reason why. i said “but Sayquan likes you, so why don’t you like him?” and he replies with “i don’t care, if i got into a car with a girl that you don’t like it would be like world war 3”. so, me being angry, me and my friends got a ride home again. and my ex broke up with me saying that i didn’t respect him. he was trying explain to me that it was a big deal, while me and a lot of other people don’t think so. so i saw how he felt and how much i hurt him and apologized a lot to him. and a week after we broke up i hear that he has a new girlfriend.

    i ask him about it, crying because he told me that we were just taking a break and he never told me that he wanted to move on. he told me no, he didn't have a girlfriend and he’s not ready to move on. well he told me to stop crying and to come to his house later so we could talk. when we talked i explained to him why i did it and how it was innocent it was just a ride home, and he told me how i disrespected him, and he told me that we were going to get back together but just not right now, he said he needed time to get his mind right. so i was a little sad but i accepted what he wanted, and after that, we had sex… the day after that i found out that it is true that he has a new girlfriend and i asked him why did he lie to me, and why he didn't tell me he was ready to move on, and he said it wasn't the right time to tell me. so i was just a mess i didn't know how to feel or what to do. and we talked again, last Friday and he told me that he just can’t break up with her because that’s mean, and i know it’s a rebound relationship like who gets a new girlfriend a week after you've been in a relationship with someone else for about 3 years?? and last Friday we had sex, again, yes it’s terrible, and he was texting me all weekend and i spent the whole day with him monday and then tuesday he acts like i don’t even exist like does he feel guilty for keep cheating on her with me? and i told him that i will not be his side chick and he said he knows and we keep having sex, twice monday, so a total of 5 times since they've been dating, they've been dating for 2 weeks now. And today he texted me and i told him to leave me alone, he asked me why and i said “because i’m tired of you playing mind games with me.” he replies “i’m really not i’m not playing games with you.” And so i told him that it feels like he used me for sex and he said it’s not going to happen again. And i told him how it was wrong how he keeps having sex with me and he’s dating her.

    He told me that it’s not going to happen again and that me and him will just remain as friends. He thought that i hated him and i told him i didn’t i just wanted him to grow up and make up his mind, he flat out told me that he wants to date other people, i asked him if he was choosing her over me, he replied yes and i replied “ok good”. He asked me if everything is really good, and i said, “yeah, i just wanted you to tell me the truth and you did.” so he said ok, and for confirmation i asked him “so you made up your mind, it’s her right?” and he said yes. and then i asked him why would he choose a new girl over a girl that has stuck by his side for the longest, and he said that she respects him, i said i always respected him, and he said no i didn't, and i told him that he didn't always respect me either, and he told me that i was right. and so basically after that i told him that im happy that i can move on now that i know that we probably won’t be getting back together, and i told him that everything is all good because we’re both happy, and he said “right”. but i know i lied and he lied too. we’re both not 100% happy. i’m upset but trying to cover it up as best as i can especially when i see him. I mean i want him back but then i don’t know because this situation really hurts and i don’t know what goes on in a man’s head i’m just still a little confused.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      I have a feeling he just used that incident as an excuse to end the relationship. Perhaps he was already dissatisfied and it had been on his mind for some time to breakup. I think you should apply no contact for a couple of months and then contact him again.

      Reply
    • Tiease

      [10 Years Update] Hello, I’ve wrote that comment when I was a junior in high school… I am now 27 years old. But to answer your questions yes we did end up getting back together but I left that relationship after graduating in 2015.

      My advice would be to not go on websites trying to figure out how to win an ex back, it’s better to just let things be and to let whatever happens in life to just happen.

      I am doing well in life I’m currently living with my partner whom I’ve been with for quite some time now. Thank you!

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you for the update and the advice. It certainly makes a lot of sense if you are young.

        Reply
  • john Sykes

    I'll tell you now. Every single word of this site is 100 % correct.
    No girl ever goes back to a cry baby but everyone forgets their ex's weakness with time ad remembers the real them.
    I cried and begged to get her back for 6 months, but as soon as I gave up and moved on and became once again, the boy she fell in love with in the first place, she chased me.
    We've now been married ten years.
    Believe me, I made every mistake described above.
    I was first guy she slept with and was sure I'd never see her again.
    Every day of that 6 month was hell.
    If you're the one being left. Tell them you'll miss them forever and then never call them again.
    I was told that by a clever pal, every day for 6 months but ignored and got to the stage when my (now wife and at the time girlfiend of 5 years) started to hate me.
    2 months later she found out I was happy with someone else and she took me down and told me she loved me.
    This is not shallow, its part of growing up. Realising you are with the right one.
    Be strong. Never call them.
    They left you. Pity will never win them back.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey John,

      Thank you for your comment. It's great to hear from someone who has reconciled and has been with his ex for 10 years.

      Reply
  • Danielle

    Great site you have here!!! I wish I would have seen this a year ago. My bf of 7 years and I broke up last June. Since then, we have had brief contact in October, November and February. Each of these times has always ended up with me crying and being needy and we don't talk for months. This last time, I initiated contact after 7 weeks of NC. He immediately asked me to dinner and I was happy and pleasant and we had good conversation and the dinner went great. Until dessert rolled around, when he suggested that we talk about our relationship. I immediately started crying (I was slightly drunk after 3 drinks with dinner) and started getting needy. He told me not to have any expectations of him....and he literally couldn't get me home fast enough. I thought for sure we weren't gonna talk again for a while, but he stopped by last Thursday to say hi and I just acted super cool like nothing happened and we had great conversation and it was upbeat. No neediness. He told me he would text me Friday and we would get together. Well, no text that night. He did call me today to say hi and happy mothers day but he sounded cool and distant. I really tried sound upbeat when I talked to him. I didn't mention anything about how rude I thought it was that he blew me off Friday night. (which is how I would usually react, but I bit my tongue!) I know you say not to act like a doormat, so what advice would you give in this case?

    I have been dating and excercising and I got a dog and all the stuff you outline in your plan during this last period of NC and I basically compare everyone Ive dated to my ex. I know he still loves me, shoot he still stores my car at his warehouse and hasn't asked me to move it. I want it to work, but should I go back into NC since it got awkward?

    Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      I think a week of no contact should be enough right now. I think you are handling everything fine. You should continue like this for a while. Don't show any signs of neediness. I don't think you are being a doormat if you don't by not reacting to him blowing you off. By not mentioning it, you are conveying the message that it was not so important for you that he calls you and you really weren't waiting for him. That shows that you are not needy.

      Reply
      • Danielle

        I cant thank you enough for what you are doing here. Your daily emails are helping me immensely! I will let you know what happens. As it is turning out, he texted me Monday morning. We went to breakfast, held hands and it felt great. I texted him today to say hi and it went well. I am learning that patience and a smile work wonders. Thanks again.

        Reply
        • Kevin

          Thanks for your comment Danielle. I feel blessed to be able to affect so many people's lives through a website. Internet is truly a great thing. :)

          Reply
          • Danielle

            I am happy to report that as of yesterday, my bf and I made it official again! After a year of being apart, he told me to put my (gorgeous) ring back on and change my FB status! I strongly feel that changing my insecure behavior, acting cool (even though I was not feeling very cool), journaling/doing positive stuff for myself is the reason why. And if I hadn't found this site and your real life approach, I would still be acting a fool.
            Thank you again. It actually worked, and so quickly!

            P.S. I want to continue to receive your emails, to keep me in a positive mindset and not fall back into the insecure girlfriend syndrome.

          • Kevin

            That is so awesome Danielle. Congrats. :)

  • Amy

    Hi! Ok, so this is complicated. I don't think my ex and I are very typical. Basically we moved in together right from the beginning and were a couple for 1 year and 3 months. A couple months before she ended it, things were getting a little rocky, but we seriously never would argue or fight before that. We had complete lack of space during our whole relationship, but didn't realize it until it caught up with us. We were insanely crazy about each other for at least 12 months, but later we got too comfortable and stopped taking care of our relationship. I know now that’s what I did anyways, but never stopped loving her. We just started drifting through it. So a couple months ago, she said she needed a break for space and thought she should move out. I freaked, of course, but eventually told her I supported her, especially when she said break not break up. Then we'd argue and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to work on our relationship. She just wanted space. We would go back and forth, letting our emotions get the best of us. So she moved in with a friend and twice we had two bad text arguments, no holds barred. It wasn't until that last one that it hit me between the eyes. She didn't just give up; I screwed up big time towards the end of our relationship and reacted out of fear. She had to stop by yesterday to give me something after not seeing each other for 6 weeks and I sat her down and told her what I realized and accepted and genuinely apologized for what I did wrong. I explained that anything mean I said over texts was completely fueled by emotion and she agreed. I told her how I've learned from my mistakes and hope one day maybe she'll be ready to try again. The thing is, she told me she really didn't want to come see me that night (anxiety), and she wouldn't even give me a hug after my apology. I would send her a text picture every now and then and tell her it reminded me of her, but it would just get ignored. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. She told me when I did those little things; it would just stab her heart. I know for her and I this will be a slow process. She is currently experiencing a low in life and feels SOOO unstable. She says she’s tired of always getting shit on and is still trying to get over other hurts in her past. I guess what I’m afraid of is that she said she forgives me for what I did, but she’s just covering and will hold on to my mistakes forever. Not that I was the only problem in our relationship.. She said she can’t be around me, can’t talk to me, basically wants complete isolation, and says it’s going to take her a long time. Basically, I have no choice but to start your no contact plan and now I see how that’s the best thing to do, but after a couple months of intense emotional exhaustion between us, do you think time could still pull her back? It seems right now; she can only remember the last 3 months of knowing me and can’t connect with the first wonderful 14 months of knowing each other. Time? Another thing to add is she is moving an hour away for college in 4 months, but we have experience long distance together before. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I hope this all made sense! haha

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey,

      I do think no contact will benefit you, even after 3 months of emotional exhaustion. In fact, I think no contact is the only thing that can increase your chances of getting back together at this point.

      Reply
    • Amy

      Hi Kevin,

      What if your girlfriend broke up with you, due to her depression? We broke up 2 months ago, would have contact every now and then, mostly by text, but it would always go back to an emotional argument. Then I realized my mistakes in the relationship and told her that and appologized. I was caught up in my own stresses that I didn't realize I wasn't paying enough attention to her and so I think her feeling neglected is what triggered her depression. Then everything else in her life was suddenly wrong, she can't handle being near me, she now has insomnia, basically her mind is completely messing with her., making her question everything. She feels numb and so unsure of everything. We were great for about 14 months of living together and not so great for 3 months. She struggled to end it with me, first saying she needs space, then a break, then a break up. She moved in with a friend 2 months ago. She refuses to see a doctor about her depression, but even I have suffered from it, so I know over time she will come out of this episode naturally. Does the plan apply to a relationship that suffered because of this?? I can't logically imagine spending so many great months making memories with someone to be something they couldn't realize after the depression lifts. She says she needs zero contact and isolation, basically from everyone, so I know I don't have a choice, but do you think it could still work for someone like her?

      [Original Comment]

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Yes, I think there is a chance it will work. Although, you really can't do anything unless she feels better.

        Reply
    • Amy

      [3 Months Update]

      Hi! So I wrote on here a couple months ago about my girlfriend and how she left very suddenly after over a year and I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!

      [Original Comment]

      Reply
  • Dupin086

    Hello, been reading through the posts and I would be very thankful for some insight on my situation.

    My ex(27f) and I (31M) had avery intense but short relationship (3 months, even though we liked each other for longer than that). At the time of the breakup she started having a lot on her plate, studying something new, working on a project and starting work practices all at the same time, and then it was me, being afraid of losing her and showing it sometimes, I was making her stressed in a time where she needed space and support and ended up breaking up with me. I got into an emotional mess and during the break up day I tried everything, text, mails...She got fed up and blocked me.

    So she did the break up and the no contact...After 3 weeks I sent a text saying that I was sorry for things went and that I would really like to talk with her, I also said that I missed my best friend (refering to her), it's not like I want to friend zone myself but we started out being best friends and I know that's an important thing for her.

    She said that once she finishes everything she was doing we would talk, that she needed space for herself...And the same day she did finish I noticed that she did unblock me. I didn't initiate that day, but the day after and late like 8 or 9pm, being casual, asking how the studies and the project went. She was very short and I congratulated and she replied with a simple "thanks"...Then she asked me about my day an hour later. We did talk for a bit and she was talkative, I was able to say that I was doing therapy to overcome my fears, that I knew the origin of them now and afterwards I just said sorry to her for what hapenned between us and she was like "it is ok now, things happen for a reason, you have to look forward now and be happy with yourself", things like that...I did leave it for a bit but I told her that there were a thousand things I wanted to tell her but that I knew I had to shut up, and she said "I told you, once I finish up we could talk, if you are going to feel better do tell me", and I told her that I would like to meet in person to talk and she agreed.

    Now I'm keeping LC.

    Yesterday I sent her a joke in the morning and she just replied with smily emotes.

    Today she initiated to say that "confirmed, we can meet on Sunday if you are available", we did some small chat that I kept light and that's it, I'm meeting her in 2 days...

    I'm a bit nervous about how to approach this, I know I have to be light, to look like I'm making changes (which I am), to look positive and happy even though I'm not always like that. But there is a part of me that really wants to be serious and tell her to bet for me, not to take me back (I know I don't have to be pushy at all) but to allow me to show her how I'm overcoming things? Is it a bad idea to be a bit intense with a person which I had a lot of intense talks? I want to tell her my true intentions, that I do want her back, but that I'm willing to wait and for her to see that I have changed...I guess my question is, it is ok to voice the real intentions in this manner? To even say, look in this time alone I did realize I do truly love you, and that it is not coming from a place of fear?

    Thanks a lot for any answer!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she may honestly be expecting you to come across as intense and want to have a serious conversation, perhaps it might be better to do the opposite and start by being light hearted and while addressing some of the issues during the breakup may be needed, at least ensure that she has a good time and that stress isn't added onto her plate now or she wouldn't even want to consider the idea of getting back together. By letting her enjoy the weekend (and date with you so to speak), you at least 'show' her with your actions that you're capable of change and that you understand how stressed she is and you just wanted to help her unwind - which could work a lot more positively in your favor than having a serious talk.

      Reply
      • Dupin086

        Well she did say she came ready to have a hard time and so at first it was difficult for both of us, we ended up laughing and she grabbed my arm and everything at the end of the day so I guess she ended up relaxing and enjoying herself, said she was glad to have seen me...She said she won't have a relationship with me but agreed to continue to meet up and that after I expressed my true intentions and feelings, that I was commited to change, that I loved her and that I didn't gave up that dream, so we did have an intense talk first thing and then we just enjoyed each other's company. So I guess...There's hope there. In my opinion now I have to continue improving myself, being a friend for her like when we started and just be trully patient. While I wasn't expecting to get back together right there and then it went well I think, now I can see her again and continue to show her that I'm committed to real change and that I'm there.

        Thanks for your answer!

        Reply
        • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

          All the best. As long as you remain patient, and avoid putting pressure on her, while continuing to build a positive connection with her bit by bit, the chances of winning her back eventually is definitely there.

          Reply
    • Dupin086

      [6 Years Update]
      Sure! So we did end up getting back together even though we did break up later, so instead of 3 months we got a good 4 years together. I remember your website did help me a lot to present myself in a good way after the breakup and keep it cool and collected.

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you so much for replying. If you don't mind sharing, what was the reason you both broke up later? And was the second breakup as hard as the first one?

        Reply
        • Dupin086

          The reason had to do with mental health issues which made it difficult to have a stable and healthy relationship.

          I would say the second time around it was a bit easier because deep down I felt it was for the best if I ever wanted to find peace, which I did. To me the hard part always is the loneliness after living with someone what I find the hardest to deal with.

          Reply
          • Kylie - EBP Team

            Thank you for the explanation. I wish you best moving on and finding the right partner for yourself.

  • Griselda

    Hello, I am 27 and my ex is also 27 we broke up about 3 weeks ago. The reason we broke up was because I felt like he took me for granted and I kept trying for him to be more loving and caring towards me but one day he just told me that if I wasn’t happy or comfortable that we could just end things and I didn’t want to but he kept telling me that he didn’t think we were okay anymore and that things wouldn’t work out anymore. I feel like he got annoyed and so I went ahead and told him that if that’s what he wanted we could end things and he kept saying it was for the best. I didn’t think so I wanted to keep trying to make the relationship work out but apparently he gave up on us. So after the break up I didn’t text him for about a week and then I decided to text him back last week I wanted to see if there was the possibility of us getting back together someday and he replied that he didnt think so and, didnt know if we would get back together someday. I didnt reply back to that I just stopped texting him but I think that maybe if I give him time he’ll miss me and want me back. I don’t know if I should wait and then text him and see if we could try it again. He never told me he didn’t have feelings for me so I don’t know if that might be a reason to just give him time and then look for him. Would that be the right thing to do? He could be a bit prideful and not be the one to come look for me , most of my friends tell me to just move on and forget him and that if he did care or loved me he would be the one coming after me. I don’t know what the best thing to do would be?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you felt unsatisfied with the way he was treating you then, which led to the relationship ending, by you taking the first step to reach out to him, don't you think that the situation would remain the same even if you succeeded in getting him back and he'd still take you for granted after?

      Reply
      • Giselle

        I just thought that maybe with time apart he can miss me and things will better.

        Reply
        • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

          Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It's really subjective to each relationship, and would depend on how the relationship ended and how things were handled after.

          Reply
    • Griselda

      [6 Years Update]
      Hi,

      It has been quite some time from this.

      I hope I could be of some help.

      In the moment when I was going through all this I was really heartbroken and all I wanted was to find ways for my ex and I to get back together. that’s how i ended up here trying to find advice or anything that would help with this situation. I was desperate you could say. I was going through this for several months and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I didnt text him back or looked for him and he didn’t either so I moved on and as the days went by i started to realize that I deserved better and that perhaps he wasn’t the right person for me . I started to tell myself that there would be someone that would love me and not give up on us like he did. And sure thing I found someone else like 2 years after this.

      If I could give anyone going through something similar an advice it would be this. i know in the moment when one goes through a break up we don’t see it and it really hurts alot and we want to do anything possible to be with that person. But sometimes we have to stop and think that maybe it’s for the best not to be with that person as much as it hurts us, things always happen for a reason. As days go by you will start to feel better just have to take it day by day and soon the hurt will slowly disappear. I know sounds easier said than done but these moments are what shape us and help us grow. I know for me this situation really helped me grow and know what I deserve. I really hope that my experience will help anyone.

      Thank you for reaching out to me. And let me know if there are any other questions.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Griselda,

        Thank you so much for replying and sharing those insights. They will be very helpful for someone going through a similar situation. I do have a few other questions.

        Do you remember how long it took you to realize that he was not the right person for you? For a lot of our readers who go through a tough breakup, they start feeling much better after the 3 months mark. Would you agree to that timeline?

        In what way would you say your current relationship is better than the previous one? Do you both communicate better? Do you understand each other better? Do you both prioritize each other more?

        Thank you again for replying and sharing your insights.

        Reply
        • Griselda

          Hello Kevin,

          I realized I never replied back to this. My apologies.
          To answer some of your questions. I agree I realized he wasn’t the right person for me, around 3 months or so later. Of course I still had feelings for him but after I didn’t text him back he never reached out or tried to work things out with me. so I told by self that it was best if I moved on and forgot about him.

          In my current relationship , I feel like it’s the opposite of what I had with my ex. The communication is way better ,if there is something we disagree on we’ll talk it through. I know he won’t get upset or ignore me . He is always there supporting me and motivating me and cares about me and shows it. We both spend time together but we also have time apart to hangout with friends or family and we both are okay with that. These are some of the things that were lacking with my ex ,he would get upset if I asked anything about our relationship and he would make me feel at fault for questioning things ,it was just very toxic looking back.

          Let me know if you may have any further questions.

          Reply
          • Kevin

            Hi Griselda,

            Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate you taking the time to explain further. These are very helpful insights.

  • Jerry

    Hey Kevin and everyone else.
    My fiance broke up with me almost 10 months ago.
    We had been together for almost 9 years and it was first relationship for both of us. Im 29 and she will be 30 in 2 months.

    Problem started 1 year before the breakup, due to new work we didnt get to spend much time together since she started early and i usually got home late and needed to work weekends and sleep away. During this time a guy at her work got friends with her and he started flirting with her. I did point this out to her and said it made me uncomfortable and asked her to distance herself a little from him. She said they were only friends and i do believe she was honest abouth that at first but he filled a void that was created due to the fact we got so little time together. Then one night i did something wrong by checking her text messages since that had been no problem before that we checked each others phones out of curiosity.

    But lately she had been protective about her phone and i wanted some answers. Turned out she had started flirting back with him so i asked her what was going on and if something had happened between the two of them. She denied it and said they had hugged and only hang out a little. I left the home and got back later that night and asked her how she felt and that she had to choose between me and him. She said she was confused but anted to be with me and asked me to forgive her.

    I tried give it another go but 10 months later she dumped me. She said i had been on edge since we talked about it and that her feelings for me had changed.

    Needless to say i was a wreck and did all the mistakes.
    What makes my situation a little special is that we both wanted to have each other in our lifes and didn't wanna ruin our friendship to.

    We lived together at the time and we kept living together for almost 6 months during which time she looked for a new place to live.

    During those 6 months we both had emotional breakdowns on which we would comfort each other. I didn't bring up the fact that we should try again.

    The last 2 months major changes have happened. One problem in our relationship was financial, we were both unemployed for periods so we had problem with money and being able to do things.

    Luckily i have gotten a full time good paying job now, one that forces me to be away during the weeks. She is back at her old job where she works with the guy she was flirting with, he however didnt dare to stand up against me for her when i called him up on the phone and told him to back of, so i think he wont be a problem if not for the fact that her subconscious will remember that as a weak move from his side.

    Finding your site 2 weeks ago and starting getting the email helps me put things in perspective. I have had regular contact with her but for the last 2 weeks i have minimized it and focusing on improving myself, if she calls me i might pick up but keeps conversation to a minimum and holds a distance to her.

    What i wounder is if i should carry on and go into full No Contact and then proceed with the letter or if it can be a possibility to skip NC and go straight for the letter, being that we had good contact after the breakup it does seems like a risk losing that then try get it back after no contact.

    I know this got long and i didn't intended it to be, but i sincerely would need the help i can get and would like to give as much information that i can.

    Id like to add to this that all our mutual friends have allways viewed us like a "perfect" couple and think we are silly and that we still function together like we were a couple and they hope and think we will work this out.

    For last i wanna thanks you for the help you provide to everyone that writes or reads your articles.
    Thanks Kevin
    //Jerry

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Jerry,

      I think minimum contact is going to work better for you. If you think you need a little bit of no contact, you can inform her beforehand that you need some time and space.

      Reply
    • Jerry

      [10 Years Update]
      No worries it doesn't stir any bad feelings in me that chapter of my life is something i have dealt with completely.

      I have no problem to share more of my experience in the hope it may help others, as i do like to help people and be supportive.

      First of did i move on from my ex?

      The answer here is yes i did move on and it took me some time. She is still together with the guy she left me for and they are now having a family and seems to be happy as far as i know. My ex and i do exchange pleasentry every now and then and id say we are on good terms with one another but its not like we hang together like friends or something.

      And what happened to me?

      Well after me responses in the comments i did basically what i said i would do with the stepping back, and avoiding contact etc. This was a hard time and looking back at it now its clear that i was in a bad denial about the situation, she had clearly moved on as it was her initiative and i was left behind with my world shattered.

      Now one part to this story that i never did mentioned is that after i went radio silence my ex and her family and i went on a vacation together at the end of the summer, something that had been planned for a while before the breakup, she hadn't told her family yet and i was hopping we could patch things up so that why i still went.

      I had made the decision if we couldn't seem to patch it up during this trip then i would give it up this trip was in September the same year.

      After i went radio silence i did make a couple of decisions that helped me, first of i had friends and family to talk to and vent and that helped me and they did give me their opinions that wasn't always what i wanted to hear but was something that i needed to hear and think about.

      The second thing was that my self image is that I'm a happy guy so i decided i should stop being sad and depressed as that state of mind is non constructive and will not help me so i took a quote i heard from a TED talk to heart and lived by it.

      "Fake it till you become it".

      What i did was i decided to do things that i thought was fun or something that i would have thought was fun until i had fun, basically trying to enjoy life, so for me that meant i went skydiving, i went to the movie, i took a roadtrip with my brother across the country to go to a music concert, i went to the amusement park, i hanged with friends and to big one i started to talk to other girls.

      So where did this take me after that vacation trip?

      Well clearly me and my ex didn't patch things up there, the trip was fine and during it i was talking with a girl online back home and we decided to hookup when i got home (yes this meeting was intended like a one night stand thing) this was not in my character and out of my comfort zone but i decided "hey what the harm and why not take a chance and enjoy life". After i dropped my ex and her family of i went straight to this date no need for details but we had a great night and morning, we decided to meet again, she was not looking for anything serious and i said i honestly didn't know what i was looking for.

      Long story short this was 9 years ago we have now been an couple for 8.5 years, been married for soon 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids and I'm so happy.

      What did i learn and what lessons can i give to others?

      1. Its not the end of the world and it will get better if you let it.
      2. Unless there are kids in the picture the most important person is you so have respect enough for yourself to understand once its time to cut the cord to avoid hurting yourself more by dragging out on it like i did.
      3. Depression takes on many forms and can be treated in different ways, do whatever you can to be happy ( Fake it till you become it).
      4. Don't be afraid to be alone, sometimes thats something you need to land on your feet and find out where in life you are.
      5. Never let your happiness be bound to someone else. Whatever happens in life make sure you can be happy alone and don't need to have someone there to be happy. Let other people be there to enrich your life and happiness but not be the only source of it.

      Its been some rambling from me here and i hope i do make some sense and hopefully can help someone else.

      As for my advice well i did all those mistakes.

      My happiness was conditioned on my ex being in my life, i was miserable without her and was convinced the world was ending and i would never be happy again, i dragged out on letting her go since i was afraid of being alone and in that process all i did was increase my suffering.

      Today i can think of my ex and our time and see thats a totally different life and a totally different me, i have grown as a man and I'm happier today, if there was a way for me to go back and change things i wouldn't. Don't let the things that hurt you in the past be what drags you down today, let that be the things you use to build a better future for you.

      To whomever it may concern
      I wish you all well.
      Jerry

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Jerry,

        Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the words of wisdom. This is surely one of my favorite updates.

        Reply
  • Heather

    I have been dating a guy for a little over 7 months and we have been absolutely great together and so happy. I have no doubt in my mind that he likes me a great deal. However he just got out of a 20 year marraige that initially had been over the last 2 years of their time. So he broke it off with me because he says he is not ready to commit and doesn't want to be unfair to me but that he does really like me its "just him not me". So I have started the NC rule and actually the only time I did try to contact him was when he initially text me this news and I said I'd rather talk in person over this disicion, only because I feel like texts have no emotions and its easier to say whatever you want rather in person you can say one thing but your reaction will tell me another (for example I would be able to tell if he was hiding his feelings over his words) but after he agreed to meet the following day to talk I just never text him to follow up and neither did he. It has only been 2 days but in 30 there is a wedding both of us will be at. What do you think?

    Original Comment

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Apply no contact for 30 days. Make positive changes in your life. Get a new look. Meet him at the wedding. Blow his mind away.

      Reply
    • Heather

      [10 Years Update]

      Wow haha totally random.

      We are now been together 10 years and married 3 with kids!
      We went to that wedding together and we did a whole lot of traveling and had so much fun before our children.
      Between covid, kids and a New career path, traveling slowed down.

      I cannot tell you how we got back together, knowing myself I probably took initiative, it's always been hard for me to do the no contact thing.

      He is 17 years older than me so that was a harder than usual decision to make for both of us, it was all new territory and difficult to navigate with society, family and friends. So I'm not sure what help I'll be lol

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Wow. I am so happy for you. I am glad it worked out. Thank you so much for replying.

        Reply
  • jake

    Dear Kevin ,

    I've posted a comment earlier but it's not showing up on the website ...

    Since then my situation has changed , i applied no contact for about a week and my ex instant messaged (whatsapp) me saying : i love you . It's so hard not to talk to you . I hope you're having a good weekend . I replied , saying i love her too but i jokingly said : you couldn't just say how are you , in an effort to lighten up the conversation .We talked for a bit and it was fun she made some references to the future :when i see you again then blabla . But the only serious statement she made was : i want to be with you but there's too much going on in my head .

    I know this statement usually means that she still can't commit herself and it's likely she still misses me and just can't go cold turkey with me when it comes to no contact . Or she just wanted her ego to be stroked .

    The funny thing is that i follow her on tumblr (she doesn't know this) and i could just tell how much she was hurting the past week , posting things like : can i tell you a secret i still love you , missing you comes in waves tonight i'm drowning , i'm sorry i pushed you away , i'm scared of you breaking my heart etc .

    I really don't know what to do , i really wanna play it cool and just keep it light and build attraction . But i'm scared she ' s gonna string me along again , like the past 2 months before no contact . But if i say i need more space , i'm scared she'll really move on this time .

    Because essentially nothing has changed , she loves me but she has too many issues . She has been depressed for the past 2 months , barely leaving her house , not really talking to friends , let alone meeting them . Not your typical :i need space and then goes out to flirt with tons of guys to see if there's anybody better out there.

    Should i initiate a friendly meeting later this week and in the meanwhile keep talking and building attraction or say :nothing has changed , let's give eachother some more time to think .

    Thanks in advance !

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey,

      Since you've been trying the same thing for the past 2 months, I think it'll be a better idea to tell her you need space and time and do no contact.

      Reply
    • jake

      [10 Years Update]

      Hi,

      It's a surprise to get this email for sure . I remember looking forward to emails from you. They were very helpful during that time of my life.

      As for what happened with this ex, we got back together around six months after this comment . After this, we didn't talk to each other for like 2-3 months .

      But once we started talking again after those 2-3 months, things were much better . I was in calm mental space and she was also much more stable . We got back together after a few months and have been together since then . There have been ups and down but that period apart made our bond stronger because we both know that we are for each other .

      Thank you again for your help during that time of my life.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Jake,

        Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it. In your initial comment, you were wondering if you should ask her to give you space. Did you ever do that? Also, after the 2-3 months of not talking to each other, who reached out first?

        I am asking these questions because our readers will be interested in knowing that. If you can't answer them, I completely understand.

        Reply
        • jake

          I don't think I ever told her to stop contacting me . But I remember we both just stopped talking for a while . We didn't talk to each other for like 2-3 months . And then one day we just started talking . I don't remember who reached out first . It was probably her because she was the one who stopped contacting me . But I spoke to her after getting your email and she says I was the one who reached out first . So I am not sure who it was .

          I hope that helps .

          Reply
  • Kaye

    Me and my exboyfriend have been dating for 10 months, but we had a lot of argument the past 2 months and he basically broke up with me stating that he couldn't get over the fact i wouldn't give up a relationship with a friend i spent a trip with (which nothing happened between us) and that i never loved him back the same way he did nor he felt loved or complete, saying i was unconsidered and ignorant about his feelings. After many discussions on how we could fix our relationship, he decided to give up although i refused to let him go and i insisted to work on us. At the end i couldn't convince him.

    So, after breaking up i stupidly offered myself to became FWB in which he refused so i told him to exchange the stuff we have from each other. He didnt reply back to that, so i decided from there to start the 'no contact rule'. He replied to me after but i haven't yet because i started the challenge.

    My question is, should i keep on the 'no contact rule' or should i make the exchange of stuff and start no contact rule from the top? Or wait till no contact rule ends and bring the exchange as an excuse to start conversation?

    Thankyou.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would be entirely up to you, but personally I would recommend completing NC before exchanging your belongings.

      Reply
      • Kaye

        Alright, its been already over more than 30 days of no contact rule. None of us talked to each other since we broke up. And we actually saw each other on the street once, and we exchanged a warmth smile. Im still thinking about the excuse of my getting my stuff back from him, to see him. I thought of something like this " Hey, I'm sorry i couldn't contact you earlier about my stuff (because our last convo ended in which he wanted to know which things i needed that he would send them over to mine). Do you think we can meet to get them back? Or if you don't wanna see me, i'll give you my address."

        Im not sure about my idea, sounds more like i really moved on or wanna move on. I read your suggestions of texting but i really have no clue what to say, i feel like id look stupid to contact him again, idk, i don't want him to think something like "why is she texting me now?"

        Reply
    • Kaye

      [6 Years Update]
      Hi Kevin,

      I will gladly answer your questions.

      First of all, it didn't bring any painful memories. In fact, looking back now it wasn't so bad compared to the next 2 heartbreaks I had after the one from this story haha I guess I have to say that this whole "get back with your ex" thing doesn't work for me and it has never worked (I have tried each time in every relationship, somehow)

      What happened with your ex? Did you move on? Did you get back together?

      We literally just lost contact. I didn't even remember that he ever texted me to give me back my stuff but I remember now that I never replied back to him. We saw each other once with the girl he cheated on me with in the streets and we ignored each other, no eye contact at all. Of course I've had moved on. It took me some time to realize that he was a narcissist manipulator and I am happy for the lessons I have learned throughout this relationship and most importantly, how much I have grown.

      Can you share any valuable lessons you learned?

      I do recommend anyone interested in trying to get their exes - to actually try to get them back. I believe no contact rule is the best thing you can do to actually process the breakup and work on yourself. Luckily to me, each time i went through that stage, I have only realized how better off I was without them.

      What advice would you give someone going through a similar situation?

      You should never chase anyone. Love is free. If you truly love someone, you would let them go - for what love is to let that person be happy, even if it means not having you in their lives. Specially if you are a woman, remember: ovums don't chase sperms. So follow the rules of nature. A man that truly loves you will be the one chasing you. Regardless of gender, if you find yourself trying to chase somebody, know that is a sign of lack of self love and you shall work on that first. The biggest form of love is the one you give to yourself.

      PS: I know my answers might be contradictory to the philosophy of your business but these is what I have learnt after trying to "get my ex back" in 4 different relationships 🙂 If i ever get back to any of these exes in the future tho, i will let you know haha in the end, you never know what might happen 😋

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Thank you so much for the reply and your insights. They are very helpful. Our business philosophy is to empower people going through a breakup who want their ex back. And your answer fits right in with our philosophy. Thank you again.

        Also, in your original comment you didn't mention that he cheated on you with that girl. Is that something you found out later?

        It also seemed like he was the one who was accusing you of cheating and being unfaithful. It's interesting that he was the one who cheated and you think he was a Narcissist manipulator. I guess cheating and hypocrisy goes hand in hand. I would love to hear more about this.

        Reply
      • Kaye

        Hi Kevin,

        Im happy to share (or gossip about it haha)

        Yeah my friends at the time kept warning me that guys who ask their partners to stop seeing male friends are most likely to cheat on them first. So they were right. The worst was that he made me the villain.

        He cheated on me with a coworker of his that i have previously met. When he told me he wanted to meet with her alone because "they had so much in common and shes so fun" i expressed my insecurity and did not approve of them meeting alone. Like, u can meet with the whole working team but why do you have to meet her alone?

        2 weeks after our breakup i caught them together a few times (its funny how life makes you witness those situations in such a short time in a row). First a saw them walking together around 1 am, then i saw them on a morning coming out from a hotel spa, then in 2 months he started posting her on social media (not to mention he never posted me).

        But im glad i found out this only after our breakup and not while were together. Since we werent together anymore i couldnt care less. I have a good reaction towards cheating anyways - i can only feel disgust. So seeing the person he actually was helped me to move on very quickly hehe

        Hope it was interesting? Haha

        Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Very interesting. Thank you for sharing

        Reply
  • Rosa

    Dear Kevin.

    I have been dating this guy for 3 years. Then about four months ago I started suspecting he was cheating on me with some girl he met in a whatsapp group we share. When I kept confronting him about his flirting with her, he denied it, till he eventually dumped me two weeks ago, saying he doesn't have feelings with me anymore.

    It's clear he is dating her, am not being paranoid. I have not texted him since the breakup, which was through a chat. Do you think there is a chance it could be serious? Did I lose him a long time ago and should just move on? Please advise.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Rosa,

      Speculation may not give you any closure or information. If you guys have been dating for 3 years, it's highly likely that he truly loved you but something may have happened along the way. Firstly, give yourself some space and adopt the no contact rule. At the end of it, if you still feel that you want him back, I suggest you have an honest conversation with him about it.

      Reply
    • Rosa

      [7 Years Update]

      Well........

      As it turns out, he was seeing another woman and she was pregnant with his child. He did brake up with me, and I did not fuss about it. The breakup was via messaging, and I acknowledged it and cut off contact. It went something like: "I am no longer interested in you or this relationship. So am ending it. Please don't contact me again." I replied with "This is noted. Thanks for the good times we had. I wish you the best."

      Two weeks into the breakup he sent me a very long message. The message was significantly, and I mean really significantly long. And in it he was explaining to me how he never meant to hurt me and how he will always love me and will never forget me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wishes things were different, bla bla bla. I never replied to the message, but it gave me a sense of satisfaction, a journey to acceptance and healing for me. I had spent those two weeks crying nonstop. The message brought that to an end. It was very therapeutic. I was later told by a mutual friend he wrote it while at the airport waiting for his flight.

      Never once did he mention the other relationship or the child. A few months into the breakup, we met at a mutual friend's wedding, and we we were amicably nice to each other, and we indeed ended up having quite a good time together. We spoke about everything minus our private lives. Our friends said we looked like we weren't broken up. About seven months into the breakup, he reached out asking me how I am doing. He also reached out on my birthday with a birthday message and a present through his brother. Now years down the road, I can say, we are not friends. We are not strangers either. But every couple of months he does message me, and I do reply. And that's it. And yes, I got over him, but healing took me about two years honestly.

      What advice I would have for someone going through a similar situation?

      My advice would be, let it go. Just let it go. Don't push it. Don't push for answers. All you will get are lies. I truly think letting it go, which is an equivalent of silence treatment in a way is the best way to go. Otherwise if they come back on your begging or whatever it is you do, they will not respect you in that relationship, and it will not necessarily be a fulfilling one.

      I hope this provides some of the feedback you were hoping for.

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        hank you so much. This is great feedback and I am happy that you got over him. Two years to fully heal surely feels like a lot of time. But I guess some breakups are just not easy to heal from. If it's not too much trouble, I would like to ask you a couple more questions.

        In hindsight, could you have done something to heal faster from him?
        Now that you have healed, are you dating someone new? Have you found a new relationship or rather a better relationship?

        Reply
        • Rosa

          Hi Kevin,

          Honestly, I was not sure whether to reply or not. But anyway, here I am…

          Two years to fully heal surely feels like a lot of time..
          I totally agree with you. 2 years was a long time. During that period a male friend of mine said to me, “Rosey Rose, the first time is a bitch. But as you keep dating, eventually you get to a point where it takes you just a few days to get over someone, and you gather yourself and get back out there and get into another one. You will be okay after this one.”

          So, yes. 2 years is a very long time when I think back. Way toooooo long. I don’t want to justify it in any way, but I will try to maybe give you an understanding as to why it could have taken me that long: I grew up a tomboy. Even with a lot of interested parties around me, I somehow stayed unexplored. Big mistake. I went through it much later, when I was way wiser and calculative. My ex was my first. And he was extremely amazing the way he went about it. Probably why it took me long to get over him.

          In hindsight, could you have done something to heal faster from him?

          Maybe. Maybe not. But I would not have it any other way. I did not lose my dignity, empathy, humility or humanity. Neither did I lose my interest in or respect for men in general, nor hope in love. I still believe in it. Strongly in fact. But I learnt that it is so easy to move from lovers to strangers in a blink of an eye. And it made me more protective of myself. I However got to appreciate how strong I am, and I got to realise how worthy I am.

          Now that you have healed, are you dating someone new?

          You make it sound like it was only yesterday. It feels like it was decades ago!!! Anyway, at the moment, no. Dating is emotionally exhausting. I have tried to but unsuccessfully, due to a lot of factors... I am single and don’t mind being single.

          Have you found a new relationship or rather a better relationship?

          Not yet. But I believe as long as men live, I will. I am an amazing girl (from what I hear 😎), and there are amazing men out there also looking and hoping for someone out there, something different, something worth the trouble. Not something perfect, but something different.

          I hope your questions are fully answered.

          Rose.

          Reply
          • Kevin

            Hi Rosa,

            Your reply is very insightful. More than I could have ever hoped for. I apologize if my questions were insensitive or intrusive. My intentions were to provide insights for our readers who are going through a hard time. And you delivered. So thank you. And just from this email alone, I agree, you are an amazing girl. :)

            Good luck with everything, and I wish you all the best in life.

          • Rosa

            Thanks Kevin.

            And no need to apologize, the questions were fine, just unexpected.
            Good luck with your work, I hope it helps others get luckier in their relationships.

  • Juliet

    I have done everything possible to mess up in this break up and now he has me blocked from everything and says never again. How do you repair that? Is it possible?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Start no contact for 60 days. Hopefully, he'll unblock you after that.

      Reply
    • Juliet

      [10 Years Update]

      Interesting. No we did not get back together. It was brutal and destroyed me for a long time. I realized i am attracted to narcissists even maybe sociopaths. It was my need to be loved and valued but with time i found that within myself

      Reply
      • Kevin

        I appreciate you replying very much. I am sorry you had to go through that pain. But I am happy to hear that you have reached acceptance within yourself.

        Reply
  • Mike

    The ex is 21 and i'm 27

    Basically the girl i dated ended things with me to go back to her ex. I'm very confused because I dont know if i was the rebound or is he? they dated on and off for a few months but she dated me for a year and gave me her virginity but i didn't make her my gf because i didnt feel comfortable being in a relationship yet but we were exclusive the whole time. She dated me in july 2017 after breaking up with her ex in april 2017.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's a little hard to tell for certain and it would depend on who she feels more connected to at the end of the day. Based on the situation though, there's a possibility that you were the rebound, because even though she gave more to you, she still felt connected enough to her ex to end up leaving the relationship to be with him.

      Reply
    • Mike

      [5.5 Years Update]
      Basically I followed the programme for as much as I could even writing the letter. But she wasn’t really budging and I went on a trip to the Caribbean and met another girl there who had a fling with but that ended. My ex called me maybe a week after the fling ended to reconcile things after breaking it off with her ex.

      We got back together but while in the relationship I realised that this wasn’t for me as she was very toxic at the time and unloading emotions onto me as well as attacks on my character so I broke it off with her. She phoned me a year later trying to reconcile again but I was seeing someone else at the time. I tell from the phone call she had really worked hard to change herself and get back with me but she had only done it in the effort to get back with me which didn’t feel right to me. I told her she should do these things for herself and love herself first. She told me she just wanted me to be happy and hung up. She tried to call back after but I let the call ring out. She blocked my number after. I haven’t heard from her since.

      Though I learned a lot from that situation it seems I’ve found myself back in another break up with another woman but this time where the dating was short just over two months but the emotions were strong at least for me. So I’m hoping this time around I get a better outcome or resolution like last time.

      Thanks Kevin for the help all those years ago. It took me out of a sunken place. Life wasn’t the best at the time but those exercises did help bring up at least from that relationship.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for replying and giving an update on your situation. It's very helpful and I wish you the best in getting your ex back and keeping her in a healthy relationship this time.

        Reply
  • Brad Woody

    My ex and I somewhat mutually decided that we would break up and that, after a major life event on January 15th passed, we would chat again.

    Assuming she was serious and not just placating me, I agreed that there would be no contact for 6 weeks.

    But I am cracking. I am desperate to reach out, to know if she still loves me, thinks about me misses me, or even gives a shit?

    The silence is killing me and everyday that I wait feels like a day that she slips farther away and forgets me a little more. We have only been separated 7 days and I really just want to reach out and say hi. I feel compelled to tell her I still love her and that I miss her...I don't want to beg and I am sure it will still sound needy but I cant fight it.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Brad Woody

      [4.5 Years Update]

      Hey there.

      Your timing is perfect, if not a bit odd. My ex and I eventually drifted apart. There a couple hard months after that. Cut to now; I’ve not heard from or, to be honest, really even thought about her for nearly four years until last week. I’ve since gotten married, bought a house, and moved away to a place my ex and I always loved visiting. Any way, last week as my wife and I were shopping, who should show up in that same store but my ex. At first I was a bit disoriented.

      Then I recalled all the long anxious, sad, depressed nights I spent missing her…then I looked at my beautiful wife and the life I had built with her over the last four years and suddenly this ex, this person I would have killed to run into four years prior, was just another stranger in a grocery store.

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Thank you so much for sharing the story. It's inspiring and will be a beacon of hope for men in similar situations. Can I ask one more question? You said in your initial comment that you wanted to reach out and tell her that you love her and miss her. Did you ever do that? Or did you implement strict no contact?

        I ask because this is the stuff most people going through similar situations obsess about. I understand that right now it may seem trivial to you. But for someone going through the same thing, this information can be very helpful.

        Reply
      • Brad Woody

        I did not reach out. I respected our agreement.

        Thanks a lot.

        Be well

        Reply
  • Ben

    My girlfriend of 5 1/2 years requested a break out of the blue. Two weeks later she wanted to break up. We live together and have a dog. She suffers from severe anxiety occasionally. We both work from home and it is a small space. In the interest of respect for her request for space, I volunteered to move out. I crashed at my sisters spot for a couple months. In that time, I've made every mistake you outlined in your five step program and driven her further away from me. We attempted a couple dates over the last couple months but she canceled our last date telling me she was seeing someone else. It should also be said that we had discussed engagement, children, home ownership. We have a joint bank account, dual ownership in vehicles, both names on our lease and a dog together. She and I went ring shopping with my grandmother.

    I am having a hard time accepting her move away from this relationship as anything but a rash one. I was sick of not living at home so I moved back and she is moving out. She is coming by tmrw to pick up her remaining things. I don't want to beg but I am going to encourage couples counseling sessions and try to get her to see the positives in the relationship but ultimately I am emotionally drained from fighting for this union. She is baby crazy and really wants marriage. I fear if I don't intervene, she will run into this other man's arms and rush into a marriage and children. She and I Spent so many years building a proper foundation and I feel that time and commitment isn't being respected. Do you have any advice for how I should handle seeing her tmrw? Is it wrong that I demand ownership of the dog? I don't want to appear manipulative.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi Ben,

      I am sorry you are going through this. I am late to reply to your comment and I hope the meeting went well. I think you should do at least a month of no contact. I know you are afraid of her moving on, but not giving her space is just going to push her further away. By giving her space, you will make her miss you and second guess her decision. You need to heal, both emotionally, physically and mentally before you contact her again. And to attract her again, you need to be the best version of yourself.

      Reply
    • Ben

      [7 Years Update]
      Its funny you should reach out when you did.

      Happy to give update

      We never got back together.

      The breakup was hard and traumatizing in a lot of ways. What came to light after the post I made on your site, is that she had already been seeing someone else. What felt sudden to me, was not sudden to her. She broke up with me and moved to a new city within a couple weeks. She ended up marrying her new boyfriend and now have two children together. All my hopes of counseling and relationship repair was a lost cause and wasted energy. Though, at the time I had no way of knowing that. There are things about how I handled the break up that I would do differently. But I only say that now, in hindsight. In the moment, I don't think I could have handled the break up any other way than I did. Everyone copes differently. Everyone processes at their own pace.

      When dealing with traumatic interpersonal changes, there are no right or wrong answers. There is no one answer that works for everyone. The important thing to remember is that there are two people involved, neither of whom are able to read minds. The thoughts need to be said directly or they will likely go unnoticed.

      There is no way around the hurt. I had to walk straight through it. The sooner I faced it head on, the sooner I began to move past it.

      We share a lot of very close mutual friends, so I've been kept up to date with the changes in her life and she with the changes in mine.

      Since our breakup - I refocused on work, picked up some new accounts and expanded my company to a national footprint. Prior to the pandemic I relocated temporarily to Hawaii to explore more contracts and ended up staying on Kaua'i through the pandemic, where I currently still reside. I have moved on with a girlfriend, new dogs, house, etc.

      It is funny that you should reach out now because one of our very close mutual friends that was a support system for both of us through our break up recently passed away unexpectedly. April 26th - the day prior to the funeral - was the first time my ex and I were in the same room together since the break up and the first time I had met her new boyfriend, now husband.

      Any hard feelings or awkwardness is long gone from my side of the coin. I cannot speak to her situation of course. The occasion felt like a bit of closure from that time of life.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for sharing the update and the insights. Your advice will be very helpful to someone going through a similar situation. I appreciate it very much.

        Reply
  • Carol

    Hi Kevin,

    Firstly, thank you for this – I loved reading it and it has given me a lot of perspective. I wanted to share my story and hear your thoughts.

    Until recently (2 weeks actually) I had been with my husband for almost four and a half years. We have been married for almost two and a half years. We never argued and were perfect until earlier this year when he showed signs of depression – which we later realised that it was because he was going through bereavement for losing his mum end of 2012. I was waiting for it to hit and it took more than a year. He was really struggling to deal with it – said he was unhappy and didn’t know why. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it and did every single thing that I think I wasn’t supposed to (email, messages, calls, endless talking) and basically made myself unattractive, needy and desperate. It was the panic of losing him that pretty much turned me into a nut job!

    Ok, so two Sundays ago, he said he wants to end it – said he loved me and was attracted to me but did not want ‘us’ anymore. He said he wanted us to be friends and hang out – to which I totally agreed because I was still in that panic state. But great advice from friends put some wisdom in me. I seized all communication. I didn’t even tell him. I am close to his sister – so she told me that she had to explain to him that I needed space. And he kept saying ‘but she said it was ok to hangout’. The first week he sent a text saying that he is coming over and I said I had plans. Later on that week he sent another text saying ‘how about we hang out on Friday’ and I said ‘I will let you know when I am ready to hang out’. Didn’t stop him from sending another text on Saturday – that I ignored. He has stopped texting so that’s good. But he keeps asking his sis for updates on me. I met up with her on Saturday and we had a lovely long chat (not all about him, mostly fun stuff and old relationships). She said she cannot make head or tail of what’s going on with him. But he just keeps to himself (he, the sis, her bf and dad live in the same house up the street from our flat).

    Anyway, first week was tough, first weekend was kinda worse, second week it got better, the weekend was worse than the first weekend. This is the third week and I am feeling better. Still a bit empty and lonely but I am dealing with it.

    Now this is interesting. Before the break up, I ordered him something that he wanted. It is a soft toy that he was trying to get in the arcades because he is obsessed with this cartoon (he works in a school so gets influenced by the kids sometimes). Anyway, I gave it to the sis to take it over to him and he wanted to call me to thank me or send a text and was asking her advice... then he asked her if he sent a text, would I reply and she said ‘probably not’. And he went ‘oh..’ not the happy ‘oh’.

    The other thing that I offered is as I am working and it is term break, I have offered for him to spend a couple of week days in the flat (which I have super cleaned! It was getting really messy towards the end of our relationship). His dad’s place is quite small and the dad and sis’ bf works from home – so I thought that would give him a bit of space. As long as I don’t see him or interact with him, that’s fine. I have my own routine when I get back anyway. Anyway, I was hoping that this will help give him some perspective in terms of what he can have.

    I am going to keep this up for over the 30 day period. Because firstly, this will go on till after term break and after that, his sis and bf are on holiday for three weeks. This will leave him alone with his dad – who is accustomed to the sis doing everything in the household. So that might give him more perspective when he is expected to pick up the slack. He kinda had the good life with me because I did everything and looked after him really well. Pampered him too much maybe.

    But you are absolutely right! The cutting off communications has worked for me – meaning me getting over the panic stage and thinking about things that make me happy, catching up with friends and finding myself.

    Bereavement when a son loses his mother can be a life changing event. He was not seeing clearly and I was not helping. I am hoping (along with the rest of the family) that he comes to his senses and see that he is giving up on the best thing that happened to him..

    Do you think, with the right distance and space, he will come to his senses?

    Thanks Kevin!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Yes, there is a chance he will. I think you are handling everything very well. All the best.

      Reply
    • Carol

      [10 Years Update]
      I completely forgot that I wrote this. I suppose I didn’t want to have a failed marriage and wanted to some how make it work. It’s been over 10 years and I’ve moved on. I actually moved on not too long after writing that – 26 April 2014 to be exact! I joined MeetUp groups to get away from people I know asking after me. I just wanted to have normal conversations with people who didn’t know that my husband walked out on me and everything I was dealing with.

      On one of those meetings I met my current boyfriend, moved in with him 10 months after and we’ve been together since.

      I did move on too quickly and there were other guys interested in me and I was starting to feel confused. I decided to sign up for a divorce course held at a church not too far from where I lived and attended those sessions to try and deal with all of it, the rejection and the fear of being rejected again. It helped. And being in a room where everyone felt the same… you can explain it to people but unless they are going through it or have gone through it… it’s just not the same.

      We did have a rocky period during lockdown and things almost ended but we managed to weather through it and recently made it to 10 years together.

      Here’s what I have to share for the points below.

      Any new developments or changes in your perspective regarding the breakup and getting back together.

      I learnt very quickly that it wasn’t for us and there was no use trying to hold on to something that didn’t exist anymore

      When someone has lost the love they once had for you, you need to think about yourself and your happiness and try your best to move on

      Key lessons learned since the last comment.

      I was lucky that I realised quickly that it was time to sever ties and move on and taking that 30 day break was the start of making that happen

      I should have taken time to properly grieve before jumping into a new relationship. I learnt that even if you’re dating someone new, and it’s all nice and happy, that underlying pain is still there and needs to be dealt with

      Advice you might share with someone facing similar circumstances.

      When my husband wanted to leave me, I was in denial, and I kept sending him messages that he sent me when we first started dating. He did not feel that way anymore. You need to understand that it can happen. People fall out of love and there isn’t anything the other person can do

      If someone wants to leave or take a break, just let them. It gives you a chance to think about what you want and how you want to be treated by a life partner. If they still want to end it then it’s time to let them go

      If that happens, allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad – you need to get this out of your system before starting something new with someone else.

      Every relationship and person is different so don’t expect someone new to be like your ex – accept them for who they are and how they are

      Hope this helps?

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        This helps a lot. It's very insightful and helpful for someone going through a similar situation. Thank you so much for sharing.

        Reply
  • Pam

    I don't understand why he is so angry and mean to me. He lost his temper over nothing. Then I found out about another girl (many years ago and we where in a different phase) plus drug use. I haven't said anything awful just that I wanted to be left alone. He had already told me he hates me and to burn in hell (seriously? ) but keeps contacting me. He is angry every time he texts. I told him how destroyed I was feeling and nothing. Just anger. So I said it was all too much and I just wanted to be left alone. (Which BTW is one of his signature phrases so I thought it was good to put it that way). And he keeps saying hurtful things. He is so angry. I cannot believe the lack of empathy in him. Like I told him the new info broke my heart. And he ends with "leave me alone too then I didn't really want to see you anyway". (I have been leaving him alone. Although not ignoring him when he messages. ). I'm so confused. Why is he being mean to me ??

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Pam,

      Ignore him when he messages. He will go through phases of anger, neediness, desperation and perhaps will go overboard to try to make you jealous and hurt you more. But he will eventually calm down.

      If you want, you can warn him beforehand that you will be doing this. Tell him that you need space and time and if he messages or contacts you again, you will ignore him. And if you feel the need to do so, you are free to block him as well.

      Reply
    • Pam

      [8 Years Update]
      Hi the guy is an epic asshole. Danced around for another 2 years while he hid another PREGNANT girlfriend from me.

      My advice would be to any woman - **** that guy and move on. I met the complete opposite and fell in love and married someone else and moved to Europe. The only pain I feel reading that is for myself and the time wasted but it brought me to where I am. So all sensational! AND I STILL GET TEXT MESSAGES!! 🤣 all friendly now. He’s broken up with the baby mamma, moved in with someone else and now broke up again.

      You need to make a page about identifying malignant narcissists or just plain assholes if you really want to help people. My biggest advice is watch how a man gets along with his mother and an intact or happy family usually makes a better man.

      Anyway thanks for that look back! My life couldn’t be any different now. Blissfully happy.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Yup, I was already planning on updating the page and including information on identifying a toxic relationship and narcissists. Thank you so much for sharing. [Note to readers: Information on identifying a Toxic Relationship or a Narcissist is now one of the first thing on this page]

        Do you mind sharing any additional advice on what helped you move on from him? Did you implement strict no contact once you realized he had been lying to you again? Did you do any self-improvement work that helped give you the confidence to move on? Did you gather support from friends and family?

        Thanks again for sharing. I appreciate it and it will help a lot of readers going through similar situations.

        Reply
        • Pam

          Yes a commitment to personal development. I started a business and was wildly successful earning trips etc. Eventually started feeling pity for him lol. Once you no longer have someone on a pedestal it really shifts. Women need to find their own inner validation and trauma bonds are real.

          Reply
      • Kevin

        About watching how a man gets along with his mother, I just remembered an anecdote. When my wife and I started dating, she was about to call it off because she thought I was just playing. However, before she made that decision, she overheard a phone conversation between my mom and me. She thought I was very respectful to her (which I always am) and it made her reconsider. She decided to give our relationship more time and we eventually got happily married.

        So, your advice definitely has some weight. Thanks again for sharing.

        Reply
  • Kellie

    THIS SYSTEM WORKS. This is an excellent step-by-step guide to regaining your ex and your confidence. I found this site a year ago after a pitiful "How do I get my ex back?" Google search.
    For everyone out there in the NC Zone, I want to add one thing: DO NOT, FOR ANY REASON, LOOK AT THE EX'S FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER, TUMBLER, VINE, ETC. If they haven't deleted you, delete & block them. Checking out the ex's FaceBook page is certain to end with you feeling depressed, hurt, and hopeless. To some, the idea of deleting and blocking the ex from your social media may sound harsh. Remember, this is the person that broke your heart and walked away from everything you shared. Right now, they don't care. Besides, this is FOR YOUR benefit, not theirs.

    While in the NC Zone, give your FaceBook/Instagram a makeover. You're eating healthy, working out, you changed your hairstyle and got highlights, you've reconnected with old friends, maybe made a few new ones, and you've gone on a few casual dates. You look amazing! You've risen above the self-pity and taken control of your life! Be proud of that! Take tons of selfies, take pics with your friends, take a pic with a hot guy/girl you met. Post those babies proudly! Post inspirational quotes. Spend a weekend in Vegas with your best friend, take a zillion pics, & create a new album.
    Once you've successfully graduated from the NC Zone, unblock the ex from all your social media. Set everything you want them to see to "public." DO NOT send the ex add requests or friend requests; believe me, you'll get ones from them. The ex will be blown away when you suddenly reappear on FaceBook, looking gorgeous, fit, and healthy, and, if your ex is anything like mine was, stunned that you didn't curl up and die.

    This system worked for me. My ex-boyfriend, who had quite cruelly dumped me because he "needed to go in a different direction." I had no idea the break-up was coming; it was devastating. We'd been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. Yes, he came back to me. But I didn't want need him anymore. You see, during the NC Zone, which was 60 days for me, I worked out like a fiend (it was the only thing that took the pain away,) started seeing a therapist, and reached out to the friends I had previously neglected- my relationship with my ex was very codependent- and several close friends had been nearly lost as a result. I visited my best friend in Hawaii, and spent a week lying on the beach and hiking the amazing waterfalls of Hawi. I went to Vegas with 3 of my girlfriends, and we'd so much fun. That was the thing- I had previously made my boyfriend the center of my life. I had forgotten about me. And I had a huge surge in confidence after losing 15 lbs and realizing I had a better body at 27 then I did at 17.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Kellie,

      Thanks a lot for your comment and sharing your story. I appreciate it.

      Reply
  • Rob

    Hey I really need some advice, my girlfriend of 2.5 years suddenly decided to end it just after university started. She said she had to focus more on herself and grow up on her own than put energy into our relationship. I think the reason is that I was too insecure and controlling, I would help her with everything and hardly have her any breathing room. I let myself go and wasn't the man I could have been too her and she lost attraction. The first couple of days were really tough but I really started to work on myself. I'm doing no contact for 30 days then I'm going to figure out how to win her back. Do you have any personalised advice to help me?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Rob

      [4.5 Years Update]

      Crazy way to wake up in the morning lol. [on reading my old comment]

      I eventually was able to move on from my ex after taking responsibility for all of my actions and understanding how lacking as a person I was.

      My best advice to people going through a similar situation to me is to not look at all of the things the other person did wrong as you cannot change them. Take sometime with yourself, go for long walks and hikes and really think of all of the areas you are lacking in, then go to improve them. Join a gym, confide in your friends for advice, start meditating and reading philosophy.

      Nowadays I am doing fantastic, I am in the best shape I have even been in, I have my dream job, and I have my fair share of women to choose from. Building myself up and taking responsibility for my actions while letting her go was the best thing I could have ever done with my life.

      I hope this helps Kylie

      Regards,

      Rob

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Rob,

        Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate the update and the advice. It will give someone going through something similar hope.

        In your original comment, you wanted to try to win her back after doing 30 days of no contact. Did you ever try? Did you reach out to her? Any details of what happened at that time would be immensely helpful to your readers.

        Reply
        • Rob

          Hey Kevin,

          I did try to win her back after. We met up a few times to have coffee and run some errands together. I realized how much I needed to grow and work on myself in those 30 days and realized I wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I wanted nothing else than to get back together but I knew that wasn't the right decision. Best idea I have ever had was to realize this, step back, and improve myself.

          Reply
          • Kevin

            Hi Rob,

            Thank you for sharing. It must have taken a lot of will power to let go of your ex. I am glad you were able to step back and realize this. Appreciate the reply.

  • Kim

    My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for a year+ before he said he needed space (note it's a relationship of years) I initiated no contact for a month before he reached out to me.....after which we stopped talking for few days until it was my birthday, he contacted me again...even sent a cake, after then we've had casual conversations and even discussed about few personal issues recently but when I asked if he would like to give us another try, he said to put that on hold for now... I don't know what to do next. Am I to go no contact again?I don't want to be friend zoned. What do I do?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Remember that you have to take things slow and work on rebuilding attraction and trust first before you bring up the topic of starting a relationship again

      Reply
      • Kim

        Thanks for the reply,am willing to, but am afraid I might end up in the friend zone...am confused, i feel being friendly will make him friend zone me

        Reply
    • Kim

      [Five and a half Year Update]

      I understand the need for the update and how it can help others in similar situations. I am glad to update you that I am currently married to the love of my life and even though I go back with my ex for a while after then I am happy it didn’t work out because he was taking other things and person over me.

      I eventually walked away from the situation after he broke my heart again and I met my husband along the line after I had done some inner work and was over the pain to a large extent. Ultimately, I will always tell anyone going through such a phase to put themselves first in every way and make self love priority at all times. Don’t be an option!

      Reply
  • sana

    Hey Kevin,

    This really seems silly and would be the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels "that's closest he has felt towards love" and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.

    He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he's closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn't go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)

    I told him I don't want to be "friends" with you. Because obviously I can't change my love with whom I've been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that's ridiculous.

    I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh... 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won't work the way you want to.

    Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Follow the plan Sana.

      Reply
      • sana

        so this guy doesn't look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.

        Reply
        • Kevin

          Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don't contact him until you have healed from the breakup.

          Reply
    • sana

      [9.5 Years Update]

      Hi,

      I was so surprised to see this mail. Your emails really helped me heal and move on. I took a long time to heal and I used to feel calm after reading your emails.
      Almost a year later I met the guy I married eventually and now I feel so silly worrying about this guy who never respected me forget about loving me.
      I realized it’s better to take the broken pieces of your heart, fix them and become someone with high value. I worked on myself, read more, exercised, spent a lot of time building my people.

      I am much happier now. And that time of me building myself made me so much more confident! In hindsight that was a very good thing to happen with me. After 10 years now I think all that pain that I allowed him to cause, I wish I could go back and tell myself that this guy is not worth it. I am very happy in my life now.
      I really thank you for your emails during those testing times.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. I appreciate it very much.

        Reply
  • di

    My girlfriend and I are separated for almost 2 months now. At first she says its just a cool off kinda thing and that she only needs time but then I found out that shes already dating another guy. The odd thing is that during those 2 months we still constantly text and see each other which often results to me bursting out to her whenever the conversation gets heated. But then last night she decided that its time for us to go our separate ways. It really broke my heart and I was begging for her to not leave me. But then I realized that it will be better for me to move on. However, she still owes me some amount of money and we are paying some payments monthly that is still due to end for 2 more years. I think it will really be difficult for me to move on since we will still be seeing each other when she gives me the payment and even if she could just use money transfers, I even don’t want to see her name. What should I do? But I still want to get her back thou. And after im done with the no contact thing, what if shes already in a relationship? Can I still ask her to go out with me?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey,

      Moving on isn't really about forgetting a person. Moving on is about accepting that the relationship didn't work out.

      Oh, and if you want to win her back, you should contact her after no contact regardless of her relationship status.

      Reply
    • di

      [10 Years Update] Wow that was 10 years ago haha! We did get back together for a couple of months. But then I can feel that there is really a big change on her side. Eventually I found out that she is still in love with the other guy. I did break up with her this time but im still secretly hoping that she will eventually return to me. Then after several months I found out that she is already pregnant. Thats the time that totally feel that it is about time to fully let her go and that I just got no other choice but to move on. I also realized that im just using the money she owns me as an excuse for her to stay or choose me but then because I already know that she is already getting a baby I decided to forget about the money as well. Now they are already married and have 2 kids.

      Lesson learned is that there is no point in exerting so much effort in trying to get back the person that has already decided to leave you. Just let them. If she decides to go back and you still want her then great but to be desperate in getting her back will just eventually backfire on you.

      While moving on I was able to enjoy other things alone or with friends such as travelling to different places and countries. Gain the courage to change workplace and got lucky since the new workplace i found gave me a lot of wonderful opportunities. I dont have any feelings of hatred towards her anymore and wishing her all the best in life. I learn that it is better by thinking of our good memories together and not relaying on the bad ones. Life is short. Theres more to Life than love.

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Thank you so much for the update. That's a very good perspective.

        Reply
  • Ana

    This website has been so helpful for me and I wanted to say thank you. I've been receiving the emails and they really help with my focus. I've worked really hard on my own progress and I'm trying to heal after relationship broke down. We were together 5 years and its HARD. Basically my insecurities really caused a toxic vibe throughout the relationship and I've done a lot of self esteem work to try and sort this for myself.

    I sent the elephant in the room text explaining my personal growth, basically saying I know I'm strong enough to deal with anything life throws at me and explaining the therapy and self esteem work I'm doing. Made no mention of getting back together, kept it very much that I was apologising for my actions and how I was working on myself and focusing on improving myself for me. Said that I hoped things were good for him, asked about the dog and left it at that.
    His response was
    "you have nothing to be sorry for I'm glad you're working on your confidence. Hope everything goes well for you because you deserve it. Dog is still crazy and I'm ok"

    I responded few hours later with lighthearted
    "I'm glad dog is still crazy because he wouldn't be him otherwise lol. Thanks I do deserve to do well I know. Hope things are going well for you "

    Now what ? Does his message sound hopeful? I was going to wait 7 days and then send memory text ?

    Any advice would be very much appreciated we were together a long time and I feel as though I have the right mindset to achieve a good relationship with him, but also that I'd be absolutely fine if it didnt work out.

    Thank you !!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ana

      [4 Years Update] Hi Kevin,

      Thank your for your email.

      I'd like to say that your site was invaluable during such a difficult period of my life.

      My ex and I did end up getting back together for a short period but we ultimately ended for good a short time later.

      This was a good result for me though as I now have the most wonderful partner who has been alongside me who treats me in the way I have always longed for.

      Our relationship is one that I have always dreamt of and based on a mutual respect and deep love for one another and I am truly happy and secure.

      I believe the growth work I did with yourself helped tremendously in recognising my own emotions and being confident of who I am as a person and validating my own needs, which ultimately led me to the relationship I have now.

      It is 2 years together and counting and we are tremendously happy together so thank you for your help Kevin it really helped me find a happy healthy secure sense of wellbeing and a wonderful relationship with my new partner.

      Reply
  • Jack

    So I've been dating online, and it's just a long distance relationship(different country), Ik you gonna say it's stupid to be in it but I really want it. Sorry but yeah I really want. So we have been friends for 2 years (2017)and at the start she said she loves me and it was a joke then and since then I've liked her or maybe inlove. Idk why but I've had a really strong feelings for her since then and I still doo.. later. Then a month after had a fight and blocked me, never spoke but after 2months she texted me if "hi" and then had little talk for weeks and then no talk and again. A month later a talk and it happened for long time but this year she texted me and I had a really good talk then and she fell in love with me and we have been together for 5months but now in December she said she doesn't sees a future with me and maybe it will never work between us( maybe BC we used to argue and had lot of fights) and she said that we are different but she was the one to say she will love me till the day she dies and all she wants is me in her life and wishes to live with me forever and all. Like I am sure it wasn't a joke. She really loved me we've been together but we've had lot of fights and we argued alot just bc I was mad over a guy she talked on the internet and she was not giving me enough time ,she used to tell me he's just a friend and nothing more and one day she was ignoring me bad and I was sure she was talking to that guy and so I had a fight and we broke up that day .and so I didn't used my social media for 2 days and in those 2 days she has been texting me to get back and telling sorry and all but I didn't read and later when I was back she asked if we were over I told her if she wants then sure and she broke up with me saying she doesn't wants us together anymore but wants to be just friends and still loves me but I don't want to be just friend. And I don't know what to do. I'm going for no contact rule and as we used to talk daily so I read on the page to tell her that I need time and so won't be talking and so I did and had a nice talk and a farewell and since then I'm on a no contact.amd it's the 4th day. I was just wondering that what do you think about my situation? I really want her and I really hope it will work between us we we both want . And I want her back. I am going to grow and change my self in these days but just looking for your opinion too on it cause I really want her to be my life partner in future. I hope you understand and please tell me how to get her back?
    Please!

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Hey Jack,

      You do have a chance but you need to work on your confidence and your communication skills. I talk about it in this article.

      Reply
    • Jack

      [4 Years Update]
      Hey sorry for taking so long to respond .

      So happy to hear from you and thanks for reminding me about my old comments on your website. Read my comments and laughed at my old self.

      Well, alot has changed for me over the years. It has been so many years and now I don't even remember much about that person. I have completely moven on . Following the no contact helped me so much ,i swear people take this very casually but that the only thing that would work for someone dealing with a breakup. It teaches you to focus on yourself and when you are close to 30th day of no contact you have self realisation and start to see the reality about the dead relationship that you couldn't see while you were blindly in love with that person .

      I have changed and grown so much . I did no contact for 1 months and then it continued for longer but my ex came back and thought i gave her another chance i was aware of what will happen again but this time the pain of breakup wasn't new and after second breakup i was totally okay losing the person i felt nothing. I started to get along with new people and dated a few people .

      My current situation is I don't fall in love . I don't catch feelings for anyone. I have self love. But it's sad that now I can't fall in love ,i lost my innocence ,i lost the love in me. I have become a tough man now and it's okay, that's how life has built me and maybe that was the purpose after all love is not everything. We have a life and love is just a part of it.

      Love yourself, make yourself happy , do what makes you happy , have fun , smile . Sadness and permanent, happiness is temporary , so find happiness in the little and enjoy life .
      And my small advice , remember everything in life happens for a reason. You can't control everything in life.

      A few things are controlled by the universe and it's for your betterment. So have faith and just accept all the pain and tough time in life. Just know everything will be fine . Just give yourself some time.

      Thankyou

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you for sharing. I am happy to hear that you are doing well in life and have grown so much. Although, it's sad to hear that you feel you can't fall in love. Perhaps it's only because the right person hasn't come along yet. Maybe if you give yourself some time and allow it to happen, it will.

        Reply
  • Chris

    Hi, I did sexual activities on a really drunken night out with a girl and my girlfriend has found out, she says she’s done with me and has blocked me on all social media, ive begged pleaded and stated how sorry I am and it shouldn’t of happened and that I can’t change the past if only I could. This happened 48 hours ago I want her back more than anything and I do love her, just made a terrible mistake which has cost us and I do want her back, I know she still loves me, I don’t know what to do right now, I can’t speak as I’m blocked, but she also said that she could never be the same as I’ve broken her trust and she couldn’t work it out I need help.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Chris

      [4 Years Update]

      Wow such a long time ago now. From what I remember we got back in contact not long after and we tried to fix the bridges and we have it another go for 6 months then our relationship wasn’t the same. Just as Covid hit we went our separate ways, I moved on and so did she.

      I’ve had a number of partners since but my current partner I have been with for 3 years now and we are madly in love and happy.

      I was with the wrong person and I did silly things with the wrong person. Someone always gets hurt when your souls do not align. My advice to anyone who has felt the same or going through the same as I was, is that time heals all. When you think life is over it’s just something you need to learn from and move on. If you make a mistake then learn and move on from it, do not dwell in it.

      Kind regards

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Chris,

        Thank you so much for replying and sharing your wisdom. And congrats on your new relationship. It sure seems like you have found your person.

        When you both got back in contact, do you remember who reached out first? Was it her or was it you? I ask because there is a lot of debate on the internet these days about who should reach out and your perspective can help a lot.

        Reply
        • Chris

          Hi there,

          Thank you

          It was a mutual thing. I think after these things happen I think there needs to be a cool off period to gather thoughts and process emotions.

          Personally I think it depends on the person and circumstances on who reaches out to

          Kindest regards

          Reply
  • M

    Thanks for the study, it's really interesting.
    I find myself currently in the middle of the break up progress. I'm curious where I'll stand, let's say in 6 month.

    Original Comment

    Reply
    • M

      [1 Year Update]

      Well, long story short...

      So, the break-up was 09/2022, the comment was probably 03/04-2023? Back then, I still had contact with my ex and tried to continue on a friendship basis. But honestly, my intentions were clearly on getting back together.

      We've planned a trip to see our mutual friends on 05/2023 which hapenned at that time. The communication was ok, but of course colder towards me. It was three/fours days of being together and our friends. I did mention the day before departure my clear intentions with all respect and honesty. It was very emotional and after these words came out of my mind I felt better and our communication got better as well right at that time. I felt a sparkle of understanding and empathy....But it was all just a pity behavior. When I dropped my ex back home that next day. I said that I don't want to lose him and hope he reconsiders giving it a try with new servings on the table. He said, yes I'll think of it and we gave goodbye with a hug.

      That was the last time I saw him, just two weeks later I texted with words if he had time to think things throught. His answer was " I'm sorry for the late answer, I've been busy and I have it on my agenda and spoke with few friends but I really haven't decided yet, I promise to get back to you" Two weeks later, after no communication, I blocked him on all social medias (yes I did check on him afterwards anyway).

      I did leave a letter in his postbox with few words but never got an answer back. On my bdays, his whole family said their wishes, was very lovely, especially his grandmothers heart breaking letter, but never from him. Ending summer '23 I heard he met someone, and at the end of 2023 I noticed some pictures on social medias of him being happy with someone else. Since that, it got easier for me but it sure was a painful year.

      Now I feel like 90% cured. I haven't met anyone catching my eyes and mostly end up refusing meeting someone else (not feeling the vibes) or sometimes being refused as well by others. Of course, the pain is still there, but now I feel much better then year ago. However, it was my biggest love and until I meet my true new one, hes not "completely" leaving my mind.

      I'm aware of my mistakes and I´m not afraid to say, that I was very commited and fixated on him. He basically not only gave me love that I was in lack for, but family as well as mine's broken. That made it even harder. There are many question marks in my head I wish I knew the answers to. But all this quietness kinda answers them as well, its just hard to "take it" after seeing / knowing / idealizing the other one for 4,5y and losing him completely in your life.

      Other then that, he seems happy and I wish him the best. I think he has no reason for me to wish the opposite and hopes the best for me as well.

      Take care mr. Thompson

      Reply
  • Kevin D

    She blocked my phone and social media. She had owed me money for some things and she kept saying she would pay me back so I one day asked "When do you intend on paying me back?" She sent me half on Venmo and blocked me everywhere afterwards without even questioning how I got to the amount. The dilemma here is I had a gift for a person we looked at as a daughter figure I met through her. It was for the kid's graduation and birthday. I promised the kid I would give her the gift. What do I do with it? I admit I was getting frustrated as well because she kept flaking on me and picking hanging out with other friends over me. I feel I know where I went wrong but don't know the best course of action from here

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin D

      [2 Years Update]
      I somehow ran into her at the mall about a year later randomly we talked for a good bit. I could also tell that there was some regret when I got home an hour later that evening she sent me a text saying that it was good seeing me and slowly started talking. We didn’t get back together and granted I do want to get married, but I have my reasons for reservation.

      Reply
  • Mariana F

    My ex and I broke up 2.5 yrs ago and i was totally devastated. We just started talking again and i want him back im aware that he still needs to grow and so do i. Im just not sure how to proceed to make him grow fond for me again, should i wait for him to talk to me? Should i just text him? How often should i text him? And how do i ask him out obviously to build a friendship and then hopefully proceed into a a get back together path.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Mariana F

      [3 Years Update]
      We ended up sleeping with each other again but realized he was not ready to get into another relationship again. I felt like i wasnt respecting myself or giving myself the time to heal so i told him we cant do it anymore. We have stayed friends i have now moved on to another relationship - and have learned valuable lessons no matter how much you want your ex back if you feel like you are not respecting yourself then no matter what happens will not feel right, even if it is what you wanted.

      Kind Regards
      Mariana F.

      Reply
  • Emil

    My gf broke up with me for a month ago, I've been doin limited contact as we still live together and have a child. Im moving out in 2 weeks. However, I'm suspecting she's seeing someone else and trying to hide it from me. Judge yourself: she's going out "for a walk" at 7 pm on weekends and is gone for about 4 hours. I mean, it's dark and quite cold in the area we live in. When I express that I'm anxious that something would happen to her when she waks in the dark at this time, she does not say anything. I mean, I give her a chance to tell me that she is not alone. I suspect that she broke u with me not only because we had our problems but because she met someone new. How do I get her to confess? I mean, I feel hurt that even though she broke up with me, she does not tell me the truth even though we have been together for a very long time. Don't I deserve honesty at least?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Emil

      [3.5 Years Update]
      Hi Kevin!

      As i feared, she monkey branched to a guy who had a family with 2 kids. They met each other in secret for some time until his wife filed for divorce.

      After I moved out, I went through a deep depression , went on pills for about half a year. Then I stumbled upon the red pill movement, Pearl Davis, fresh n fit: they dragged me out of the shithole.

      I managed to pull myself together, learned a lot about male female interaction rules, realised that women cannot love unconditionally like us men. I finished college and started working. I didn't have any gf since then which bothered me at first but I got used to it and value the piece in my life.
      Our son lives half the time at my place. He's 11, I haven't told him what she did But still, he doesn't get along with his mom and I couldn't care less. I dont see her at all although we live a couple hundred meters apart; we have a very limited communicaton (messaging).

      The advice I would give : don't chase women, build up yourself instead; make women qualify for ur attention bc ur are the price, not them. If it doesn't happen, like in my case, ur piece and comfort are of utmost importance regardless of the presence of a woman in ur life.
      Sincerely

      Reply
  • Poppy

    Texted my ex on his birthday after two weeks of no contact. Just a simple "Happy bday". He replied with "Thanks **** :)" (**** is my nickname lol. He never called me that when we were dating, so I wonder why he used it now?). I think that's pretty encouraging, though. I was psyching myself up for a "Thanks" or "Thank u" or even "Thx". I'm glad he at least included my name and a smiley, even if it was just a tiny gesture. What do you guys think about that?
    Thinking about asking him for music recommendations from his favourite band in a couple weeks time. Something like "Hey, do you still listen to [band]?". Then maybe when he replies I'll ask for his favourite songs or albums or something.

    I think I'm pretty solid on the motivation part of wanting to text him. I've really been trying to work hard on myself during our no-contact period (we officially broke up a month ago). I miss talking to him and we had a connection I don't want to lose. Hopefully everything goes alright for me. Good luck to anyone else reading this page! <3 We can do it...

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great Poppy. It's definitely a positive sign (no matter how small) if he called you by your nickname, since it shows that he does not harbor negative emotions towards you. Hang in there and we hope that you succeed!

      Reply
    • Poppy

      [6 Years Update]

      Thanks for reaching out. I really do not remember using your service unfortunately but my ex did end up asking me out about a month after I had moved on. I had met my current boyfriend (we’ve been together 6 years) and I took great pleasure in rejecting him hahaha.

      Reply
  • Yoyo

    Hi~ So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago after being together for a bit more than a year... coz back then i didn't feel i love him (i liked him, but not love)... He loved me very much and he was very hurt and confused. During these few months, we had a few mutual friends events, then a month and half of NC.

    I've been thinking about him and if i pulled the trigger too early too fast?? I reached out to him last Dec and was hoping to have a chat but he wanted to have closure and some time apart. We bumped into each other accidentally at another event not long ago, after a month and half NC... and we managed to talk n clear up a few things.

    I finally decided to have a conversation of the possibility of getting back together but he said he was ready to move on, and now is very confused and unsure that i'm serious of getting back. He said he really likes me and can see us going out for dates and see how things go.. but not getting back right away! When i asked him if he wants to go out dates, he said it's too soon for him and he's not ready! he needs more time to think!

    I'm confused! i thought he loved me and wanted things to work?? Shall i give him more time or just move on??
    thanks for any advice! :)

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're really serious about him, I suggest giving him a little more time, but not cutting off contact entirely. You could always stay in touch through texts or social media, and when he's ready to go out, take things slow, and go for several dates before seeing how things progress. He's not sure if you're serious about him or not, which is why he is confused. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel ready to meet you yet means you must have hurt him when you ended things last time.

      Reply
      • Yoyo

        Thanks Ryan! so i should reach out and txt him to say hiii n how things are going? or i should ask him out again for dates? i know i hurt him a lot... at the moment i'm just not sure if he just wanna be left along and do this thinking and i should just let him be... it has been a week since i asked for getting back. I did call him last Sunday and asked him to go on dates and he said it's too soon for him to meet. :(

        Reply
        • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

          Take things slow, and just start by breaking ice and being friendly with him. Don't ask him out so soon unless the response you get from him is extremely positive.

          Reply
    • Yoyo

      [6 Years Update]
      Wow, that was a long time ago. I didn't even remember that I wrote those thoughts!
      Time really heals. I have moved on, moved back to my own city, and have been living a wonderful life. I don't have any contact with my ex, but I do know from mutual friends that he got married and had a son. I was happy to hear that, and I'm very happy with how things turned out in my own life!
      Thank you for following up. I hope that all the men and women out there going through breakups will make the right decision and let time heal them!

      Reply
  • Roxanne

    Hi thanks for the article it was much needed. I have a question, my ex is quick on calling as in when he receives a text that will lead to a conversation he calls. He spends hours on the phone often having 2 3 lines at the same time in business hours

    Should I keep to texting first or should I use this to my advantage ?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Definitely use this to your advantage. Speaking on the phone is more intimate than texting.

      Reply
    • Roxanne

      [7 Years Update]
      He was abusive. We did get back together but I left him. I now have a family of my own with someone that is truly worth it.

      Reply
  • lindsay

    My boyfriend split up from me last night where supposed to be getting married. he split from me because I deleted a message of a male knowing he'd kick off if he saw it was only a male mate. he then thought I'd split from him I went to his kicking off then went back n apoligised now he doesn't want to know me.I want him back I love him so much but he doesn't believe me, what can I do iv tried showing him.I've left him alone I can't loose him

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • lindsay

      [8 Years Update]
      No, we didn't get back together. I realised that I was in a very toxic relationship and left him for good

      Reply
  • Toni Djakic

    I was her rebound guy... Now she is in new relationship... She broke my heart in 10000 peaces... And now 4 months later im still in shit and she is in love with him...
    Life sucks man...

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Toni Djakic

      [8 Years Update]
      She is single mother now, still f**ing around with guys, she's little bit fat. I calculated - I missed 4-5 months for that child to be mine. Thanks God!
      I am what now... 8 years single, I f*** what I can, if I can't, it doesn't matter anymore. I found Rollo Tomassi and the rational male, it changed my life. I'm living for myself now. Only thing that I regret is I'm 34 without son's. But still I don't give a f. Thanks for asking

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Thank you for replying. I appreciate your honesty.

        [Edit: To anyone tempted by such mindset, I recommend reading this article and this reddit post to help you understand the harmful effect of an extreme mindset regarding gender and relationships.]

        Reply
  • Ruth

    My ex boyfriend and I were in 3 years and 7 months relationship. He helped me to have an scholarship to be part of his college. I was very excited but suddenly after 1 and 1/2 months we had a small fight and he said he was tired and broke up with me. He asked me if we can still be friends so I agreed. After 2 weeks I realized that I looked stupid, and I decided to move away from him, he look shocked and unfriended me on facebook. Until now, I feel sad about it, I don't want to walk away from him but I think it will make him think about his decision.I wish someday we'll get back together and be mature enough to understand our differences. It's very hard to move on but I will trust God's decisions in my life.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Ruth

      [8 Years Update]
      Hi Kevin,

      No worries, I'm glad to help and share my experience. After the breakup, I met some of my ex's classmates since I was an irregular student. One of them, let's call him A, became close to me and gave me advice. While my ex was the first to get a new girlfriend from the same campus, I became closer to A and my classmates as well. Eventually, I became A's girlfriend.

      I stopped going to college due to personal circumstances, but our relationship continued. After A graduated, I continued working, and A became a policeman. We struggled a bit with the long-distance relationship, but we managed. I also learned from our friends that my ex's girlfriend cheated on him, but he moved on quickly with another college classmate, and they're still together.

      As for me, I married A last December and am currently pregnant with our first son. Our relationship may not be perfect, but I'm happy and content with what we have. We are still working and growing for our future. I don't have any news about my ex, but my life goes on without it. I learned to focus on myself, my own life, and the people who choose to be with me.

      You cannot lose who is meant for you, and let it be. Also, if you do not move on, you will bleed on the people who did not cut you. Love yourself in order to be able to love others. Everything will be okay. ☺️

      Reply
  • R

    Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago after being on a month long break. Would the 30 day no contact rule still apply to me? He broke up with me because he was unhappy that we fought too much, since then I have realized I never want to fight with him again. He told me he still loves me and is in love with me..

    But is sure he doesn't want to be together "for now".. What does this mean? Also, we work together, how would the 30 day no contact rule work? He also texts me from time to time and I don't know how to initiate the no contact rule. I do love him and I still want to be with him, and I'm freaking out on how to go about doing so. Thank you for your help.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hi R,

      You can initiate no contact by telling him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while. As for the work thing, read this article.

      Reply
      • R

        Hello Kevin,

        It's really hard to not have contact at work because he's always touching my hair, throwing me hand written notes, talking to me, etc. I don't know what to do because I do want to be with him but I know it's too soon to get back together.

        Reply
        • Kevin

          Hey,

          Just tell him that you need some space and time and you will appreciate it if he limits contact in office to only professional matters.

          Reply
    • R

      [8 Years Update]
      Hello,

      Honestly it is more embarrassing than painful to see what I wrote and what state I was in at the time lol. We are currently happily married for 3 years now with a 10 month old! 😊

      Thanks for checking in,
      R

      Reply
  • Sharon

    Am glad your so helpful,made me feel relief

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Sharon

      [8 years update]
      Hello Kevin, I hope you are well.
      First i do not know what to say because I can not remember honestly... When you experiencing heart break honestly you go through posts and stuff, I'm sorry if I won't be of any help to you.

      The break up actually did turn out in my favor and I ended up dating again broke up again lol... this is funny but I'm actually single now.
      I have been for awhile now...

      I do not know how to advice anyone going through similar experience because every break up is different honestly.... When it comes to me breakups do hit me hard because I love very deeply well especially that break up.... so I decided to stop and just focus on myself, this time if loves knocks on my door I do not want to make same mistakes of ignoring red flags... Also I'm a very cautious person now.

      I think when you love yourself enough like I do now, wont let or accept something's....

      I think that's all I can say.
      I'm sorry if I was not helpful.

      Regards
      Sharon

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Hi Sharon,

        Thank you so much for replying. Your reply was very helpful. It shows that loving yourself first is very important and that you should not ignore any red flags before committing to a relationship. I appreciate you sharing your experience. And I wish you the best in everything.

        Reply
  • Varni

    Hi Kevin,
    It's almost 2 years since I broke up with my ex. And after reading your post I just realized I made every single mistake that you've mentioned including going in a rebound relation (I was a fool). I used to wonder where I was going wrong, but now I know.
    So now from today onwards I'll be following your NO CONTACT rule. Wish me luck.
    Love your post btw.. :)
    Happy new year 2016... Hope this year turns out good..

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Varni

      [8 Years Update]

      What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. I do remember about your daily mails that I used to get back in the days. You really did help me through my painful journey of getting over my ex.

      I want to let you know that I successfully did move over my then ex. It was hard at times, but your constant support and guidance was a great help in keeping me sane. He did reach me out several times, especially on special occasions like my birthday.. but I never fell for him again after that even he did beg me to come back. Last time it was in 2018. We never got in contact after that since then. I reached you out in year 2015.. so overall it took three long years for all this to come to an end.

      I did move in and out of another relationships; right now I'm going through my third break up and this guy is very stubborn and reaching me out despite of me telling him that I'm looking for only serious relationship and not some time pass. But no worries, I know what to do and how to keep myself sane. Never going back to him, once it's over!
      Wish me luck that I find someone compatible for myself in the near future. Can't wait to settle down and start a family.

      Thank you once again for your kind help!

      Xoxo~

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Varni,

        Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate you sharing the update. You have the right mindset for a healthy relationship. You deserve to be a priority of your partner. You deserve commitment. It's only a matter of time before you find someone. Good luck. I would love to hear an update when you do.

        Reply
  • Tina

    I'm 20, he is 21 and we have been childhood friends. We dated back when I was 17 for about two months. Recently we have started talking on snapchat, tumblr, and facebook. He has a girlfriend now and it has been a long time since I've seen him. He seems happy with his relationship and I haven't made any moves. I've changed since my immature teen years and I feel like we have chemistry. Should I give it a try?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Yes, there's no harm in trying.

      Reply
    • Tina

      [10 Years Update]
      Thank you for reaching out Kevin!

      What ended up happening was he broke up with his girlfriend at the time and we started dating again. We definitely were in love with each other, but our families did not approve. It was a beautiful almost four year relationship. I was still immature and unwilling to settle or communicate. I ended up self sabotaging the relationship. We ended up never talking again

      What learned was that an ex is an ex for a reason. It was almost 4 years since the last time we dated, we had different problems, but it was the same foundational issues. I still had so many problems with communicating, I was never in a good place to be with someone.

      I also learned, be grateful for what you have. Otherwise you’ll spend years yearning for someone like them. I spent so many years searching for him in someone else, when it was too late for me. I dated other men but always compared them to my electric and loving relationship with him. The girlfriend he dated before me, we ended up becoming friends and we talked about him. It made me realize I had rose colored lens on. He was manipulative and a judgmental liar. I spent all these years thinking I was the sole reason, I was the person that ruined the relationship. When I found out the truth, I realized I was glad I left when I did.

      Reply
  • allyjo

    Ok, my situation has been similar to a lot of people here. My relationship literally ended last night. Its been a back n forth 10 months. A lot of her reasons for this have been to an extent justifiable as this was the first time she had ever had a relationship with another woman, that aside though, it still caused me pain each time she had a meltdown and finished with me. But this is were her justifiable behaviour ends.

    Anything and everything was always more important than making time to spend with me. She would say she was too tired or the kids were playing up and putting her in a bad mood, and yet she would message me constantly all night anyway. On occasions were she would have a child free evening or weekend, she would make arrangements to go out with friends but never me, but insist on asking my opinion on what to wear, then message me throughout the night then want a booty call when she got home. I got to the point were I told her I wasn't interested in what she wore for nights out that didn't involve me. So it went on.

    On one of her meltdowns, and finishing me episodes, we talked it through for days until we got back together. On this occasion I told her that if she did this to me again there would be no contact ever, we would not be friends (which she always said she wanted if we were not together). This shocked her, and the next few months were fantastic until she started planning her birthday party and began to have less and less contact with me. She then said that once the party was over she would a month later want a holiday........yep without me. I got upset and tried to talk about my frustrations at being not considered and not valued. Her reaction being to treat me with increasing indifference. Her messages became less and less frequent, she would never want to see me until I straight out and said "do you actually love me anymore?" Her response being, "I dunno", " maybe I don't feel the same", "My head is up my arse".."but can we be friends?" To which I said no, explained my reasons, said goodbye, and deleted her from social networks and instant messaging. I fully intend to implement NO CONTACT!! How do you think she will react?

    Many thanks

    ally

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Ally,

      It's good that you started no contact. I think she will start contacting you after a while when she misses you and she might even promise to change just to have you back. But don't give in so easily this time. Take your time with no contact and only get back with her if you are absolutely sure she will change for good.

      Reply
    • allyjo

      [10 Years Update]
      My word, I had completely forgotten about this. Hell no, we didn't get back together. Thankfully. Very much one of those "what the hell was I thinking?" situations 🤣

      My next two relationships weren't much better. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Ally,

        Thank you for replying. If you don't mind me asking, were there any common themes between this relationship (the one you commented for) and the next two relationships? Human beings tend to follow a familiar pattern in our relationships (even if it's unhealthy) unless we acknowledge it and make a conscious effort to change it.

        Reply
      • allyjo

        Significant age gaps. I didn't do it deliberately, but they were all younger than me. They all cheated. Maybe it was me. I probably expected to much. Something that a younger generation doesn't have the capacity for, or maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I've asked myself so many questions, but you can't make people fit into an ideal I've created in my head.
        I'm 54 now and I think real love has passed me by now. It's my own fault for wanting a dream that doesn't exist.

        Reply
      • Kevin

        Hi Ally,

        I encourage you to keep your heart open to the possibility of love. Don't give up on your dreams and desires. The right person might come into your life when you least expect it, and they will appreciate you for who you are, with all your experiences and stories you have to share. I think you have a lot to offer in a relationship. And when the right person comes, they will appreciate you for who you are. And I think it will just be better to not have a lot of expectations when they come. Because doing so may make you push the right person away.

        I think exploring the details of what type of ideal you have created and why you have created such an ideal in therapy can help a lot. So if you have not done that yet, I recommend you consider exploring this in therapy.

        I apologize for giving unsolicited advice in case you didn't want it. Thank you so much for sharing.

        Reply
      • allyjo

        You are very kind, and I appreciate it.

        Reply
  • Sandy

    Kevin, will try and make this as short as possible.
    I am 48 my ex is 38. We were together for 5 1/2 years. After saying for several years that he was ok with never having children, he changed his mind. He decided that he wanted wife/kids and I am too old to give him that. The break-up was amicable because I can understand the deep desire to have children. We both agreed to try and be friends (our relationship pretty much felt like a great friendship anyway)

    Breakup was 4 months ago and I couldn't get through the NC (I reached out to him once a week..argh) he now has a new girlfriend (they both want kids and seem to be getting along).

    Since the breakup I have lost weight, stopped smoking and gone out and met new friends, I am still in so much pain. I think I need to go NC again (this time stick to it) so that I can heal. How do I stick through the NC to move on??

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey Sandy,

      That's a big topic and I can't really cover it in just a comment. But I'll recommend you give yourself some time to grieve and at the same time balance out the sadness by doing something to make yourself feel better. Writing in a journal helps as well.

      Reply
    • Sandy

      [10 Years Update]
      Well, I didn't take other people's advice to block him on all social media which delayed my moving on (kind of like ripping a band aid off, over and over again) took me too long to get over it. He ended up marrying the first girl he dated and they now l have 3 or 4 kids. It's been almost 10 years now.. as for me, I has several unwilling relationships but finally learned to be ok with being alone... then my 1st husband came back into the picture after being divorced for 18 years.. we remarried and are living happily ever after.

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for sharing the update. It's very interesting that when you learned to be ok being alone, your 1st husband came back into the picture. Like they say, you find love when you are not looking for it. Weird how many times that saying comes true.

        Reply
  • P-cool

    Hi Kevin,

    I was in a 2 years long distance relationship with a gal and distance has never been our issue and we stayed in touch everyday and talking like other couples pretty much about everything and she was supposed to come to me after completing her law but then she was having hard time on getting passport and at the same time she was stressing out about her career and family pressure for not focusing on career. It was too much of stress for her to deal and after taking one week off from me she texted me saying that she couldn't deal with anymore and lost feelings for me and cant come to me and broke up. I didn't even know it's coming because she was all normal beside stress for her career. We decided to continue talking as friends but i still love her and want her back but talking to her making things worst because she is always busy and dont have time to message or call and it's me who initiates to maintain contact.

    I have done 1 week of NC with her but then ended up calling her because i was missing her badly and she was irritated about me calling her over and over again on that day so first she told me that we should keep it this way only it will help both of us in moving on but then asked me to call her back later and then she was all normal and said we will still talk. Please advise what should i do with my situation because sometimes she gets irritated and say stuff to hurt me.

    Please help :-(

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      I think you should tell her you need space and time and start no contact again. This time try your best to stick to it.

      Reply
    • P-cool

      [10 Years Update] Well! It's been a while and later I got to know she was already married to someone and was using me just to move to Canada. I never looked back after that

      Reply
  • Dale

    Hello,
    Can this plan work if your ex left you for cheating? I made a mistake. I thought she didn't love me anymore and I ended up making a horrible mistake then she found out and left me. I tried telling her it was a mistake and how sorry I was. Begged, pleaded and all those other things that apparently don't work. I love her but she said she can't get past it. Should I try this plan or just give up?

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Yes, it can work. Make sure you apologize sincerely.

      Reply
    • Dale

      [10 Years Update]

      Wow. Hello. I am responding to this cause I don’t see why not. The plan did work. I got her back. But… in retrospect it may have been better if I didn’t. We spent many more years together in a real half ass relationship where eventually the amount of time we were together was like once a week. Things were never quite the same and in the long run it ended up feeling like a lot of wasted years.

      Strangely enough the relationship I ended up in after was extremely toxic with several break ups and severe damage to me in just about every way possible. But I’d probably still take her back.. maybe love just isn’t for me.

      Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry that you had to go through such a toxic relationship. Can you share if you have taken any steps to heal from it? Things like therapy, or life coaching?

        Reply
      • Dale

        No man. The only thing that’s healed me has been time but she reached out to me about a week ago drunk at 630 in the morning after a good four months of silence. Since then I have started to move backwards and even texted her a bunch of drunken nonsense the other day. Not that I didn’t mean every word but still probably a terrible decision on my behalf. I don’t know. It’s not easy. I still love her and I always will. I’m doing my best but it’s not easy. Not easy at all

        Reply
      • Kevin Thompson

        I understand. I urge you to follow strict no contact and kind of go hard on self-development. If you are not going to the gym, start as soon as you can. If possible go to therapy or speak to a coach.

        You deserve better. Even if she wants to get back together, don't get back together until you are sure it can be a healthy relationship.
        I hope you find the courage and motivation to work on yourself. You deserve better. And it is achievable. Don't give up. Don't settle for another toxic relationship. Love yourself and start believing that you deserve better.

        I have been speaking to a lot of people after many years of being in the same situation as you, and a lot of them say that after doing some inner work, they found peace. Some of them got into a healthy relationship, some of them are happy being single.

        Reply
      • Dale

        I appreciate your words. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know you are probably right. I’ll try to keep moving forward and stop settling for terrible treatment but I know I can’t guarantee it. I’ll try.

        Reply
  • Lina

    My ex is a very sensitive guy. He also has a great passion for playing music (he thinks he is very good at it but still looking for a lot of approval). English is my second language, so sometimes I say things about his singing like 'yes, it is very good'...' very nice...', 'this one is not too bad...' When I said 'this one is not too bad' for the third time... (sorry this prase doesn't sound bad in my language at all), he broke up with me , saying that i am mean and killing his spirit.

    Should I call and explain ? Any other suggestions?
    Appreciate your help

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin Thompson

      Hey Lina,

      Yes, you should explain. But don't force him to get back together. Just let him know what you meant, and apologize. End with something like "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or kill your spirit. I apologize if I did. I support you 100% and I just wanted to clear things with you."

      If he doesn't want to talk to you, just send him a message and leave it at that.

      Reply
    • Lina

      [10 Years Update] I moved on. Also I didn't contact him.
      Sometimes it just not meant to be.
      Thank you.

      Reply
  • leen

    Hey Kevin my fiancé and I broke up in June of last year (2013). Since then she had 2 of what seem to be rebound relationships when she finally broke it off with the last one. Her and I got involved again, it wasn't official things were just happening. During that time I didn't approach her about getting back together because didn't want to seem as if I was rushing. Our quick reconciliation lasted for about 3 weeks.After that she began acting strange and to make the story short I found out she made it official with someone else in January . unlike the other women she was dating, she's actually exposing this one on her social media and praising her and saying how great she is and how she's so happy that she has found true love. Now my issue next to that fact that I feel my life is coming to an end, is that my ex still lives with me. I've told her she has to go as much as it kills me.she refuses to go just yet. When we first broke up she left the house for 2 months and I allowed her to come back, once again I didn't say anything about us because I didn't want her to think I was rushing to get back with her. The reason why I'm really stressing is because the person she is dating now she had known for 7 yrs.but then again my ex refers to me as the most amazing person she has ever been with. So why isn't she with me?every time I ask why we broke up she has A different response. She treats me like a complete stranger at times and is extremely cold towards me at times. And if I don't call her all day as long as she is not with her new gf she calls me or texts me.

    I don't know what to do anymore I'm so in love with her still and I genuinely care for her.We were together for 3 years and we were each others everything. We had trust, respect, and communication until she decided to begin hiding feelings and issues. Help me

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Hey leen,

      You need to apply no contact. IF you are living together, you need to apply limited contact. Tell her you need some space and she should not contact you for a while.

      Reply
      • leen

        Dear kevin

        Thank u so much, I'm just praying that i didn't mess up my chances with her being that when i found out she made it official with this new girl i panicked a bit.so i was trying to talk to her about how great we were together and try to convince her to give us another shot.but I will begin to do the no contact rule.by the way keep up to good work your website has helped me tremendously.

        Reply
    • leen

      [10 Years Update]

      Hi, wow it's definitely been quite a while. My ex and I never got back together again, however her family and I are still very close. I definitely focused on self growth and self love, and took my time to heal properly. My ex recently moved to Wisconsin with her new partner. Her and I are not close friends but there's definitely no hard feeling between us. I wish her well. Im currently in a 6 year relationship, so far so good. Only complication is that I am her first lesbian relationship amd she's the preacher's daughter. Just my luck huh? Lol she can't quite come out to her parents, she's afraid that her family will reject her. The only family members that know about us is her sister and cousins.

      Reply
      • Kylie - EBP Team

        Thank you for replying. I wish you the best in navigating this situation with your new partner. I am sure things will work out in your favor if both of you communicate with each other and support each other through everything. Best of luck!

        Reply
  • ann

    hi, love the article, but i do need some advice. here is my situation.
    my boyfriend is in the military and stationed overseas, we have been together for two years and i just got back home from visiting him over christmas and new years.

    last weekend we skyped for a few hours and everything was ok, he even asked me to come visit him next month and that he would take me camping. four days later i get a text from him saying 'i have feelings for someone else' i texted back just saying what?? cause that was my first reaction. i did not try to get him to explain anything yet and he has not texted me back. is that still considered a rebound? how can he go from 'come visit me next month' to 'hey i replaced you' within the short amount of only 4 days???

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      It's entirely possible he cheated on you and was lying to you when he asked you to visit him. It's hard to say if it's a rebound. I guess the best course of action is to stay no contact and wait for him to contact you. Give him some time, and if he doesn't contact you, you can choose to contact him and ask him if he cheated on you.

      Reply
    • ann

      [10 Years Update] sorry I have not reponded to your email yet but I was too busy but now I took some time to think back on the sitaution and give you an update.

      Geez, that was a long time ago and a lot has happened since, however our story does not include a happy end.
      So my original comment was from 02/2014 and I had woken up to a text from my then boyfriend saying he had feelings for someone else. Mind you, at the time we were doing long distance as he was in the military. I simply responded with "What?" but did not get a reply. I didn't bother sending more text messages but instead went no contact, which looking back was definitely the right choice. I cannot say how long we did not speak as I no longer have those text messages but after some time he reached out to me and we sort of went back to talking as if nothing had ever happened. During the summer I flew out to spend time with him in Colorado and everything was great. Even after I had returned home things were going well between me and him. Until I randomly met someone else at a Starbucks in October 2014.

      The relationship then ended as I started a new relationship with the Starbucks guy. Turns out that was a big mistake but I had no idea what was to come back then. My ex boyfriend and I kept in touch every once in a while, we were both checking in with the other person, not really as friends but also not really as a romantic partner. My other relationship ended in spring of 2016 when I got pregnant but my then boyfriend (Starbucks guy) no longer liked the idea of us being together, let alone have a child together. So he left me.

      Fast forward, my son is 7 years old now and I was still talking to my ex boyfriend (military one) every now and then, most times even being flirty but that all stopped as he is now married. I do think he got married to someone so quickly because he thought it was convenient and perhaps thought he was running out of time (he is 39).

      As for me, I have stayed single ever since my last relationship with my baby daddy.

      Advice I would give someone who might be in a similar situation would defintely be to distance yourself and to go absolutely No Contact. I know that part can be very challenging but I believe it is crucial.

      Would I continue the relationship now if I were in that sitaution now? Definitely not. I would not let a guy treat me like that again but back then I was naive and young and simply did not know better as I thought we would get married and potentially stay together forever.

      Hope this helps.

      wishing you a wonderful day Kevin!

      Greetings from Germany,
      Ann

      Reply
  • Nora

    Hi,
    I wondered if you had any thoughts for me.
    I was with my bf for 2 years. We broke up (my choice) about 6 months after I moved to another part of the country for work. I found long distance very difficult as we had previously been living together. We were friends for a year after that, and on-off no commitment lovers. I found this really upsetting but seemed unable to stop it. I didn’t want to get back together as It wasn’t practically possible to be in the same part of the country, and I didn’t want to be as miserable as I had been. I also didn’t want to cut him out of my life as I guess I still had feelings for him. In the end I went abroad for 6 months in order to clear my head and force myself to move on and not see him. He said he still loved me and he wanted to talk about us getting back together when I returned, that he would wait for me. I never asked him to do this, it came from him.
    So I trumped the 30 day no speaking rule and did 6 months! Over the time I was away I’ve become a much stronger and happier person, but I also realise I want him back, wherever in the country we are. I thought about him constantly through all the amazing experiences I had. I spoke to him for the first time yesterday and he has a new girlfriend, of a few months, who he seems fairly keen on. That hurt like hell. I suggested that we meet and we are seeing each other in a few days for drinks.
    I’m not sure how to play this one. I feel betrayed that he didn’t wait for me after saying he would, which is probably unreasonable. I’m not sure if I should put my heart on my sleeve or try to play it cool.
    Any advice really welcome.

    [Original Comment]

    Reply
    • Kevin

      Definitely play it cool.

      [Edit: My view and my advice has changed since this comment was posted. Right now, I would recommend an honest conversation over playing it cool.]

      Reply
    • Nora

      [10 Years Update]

      Wow, that seems a very long time ago!!

      No, we didn't get back together! I met someone else very soon after I wrote this who was very clear that he was really keen on me, and I realised the ex just wasn't that bothered. I am now engaged to this person, we have two young children, run our joint business together and he is the love of my life. I'm infinitely glad I did not get back together with this ex!!

      Reply
      • Kevin

        Thank you so much for the update. I am happy to hear that you were able to find a great relationship.

        Reply
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About Kevin Thompson

Kevin Thompson is a breakup expert and coach with more than 11 years of experience of helping people recover from a breakup and get back in a healthy relationship.

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