How To Get Your Ex Back PERMANENTLY - 5 Step Plan | Ex Back Permanently

I had the perfect plan to get my ex back. I would ignore her for a month, reach out with a simple text, meetup for coffee, have an amazing date and sweep her off her feet with how much better I looked now that I lost weight.

I imagined I would crack these little inside jokes that would make her chuckle and by the end of the date, we would be back together with her head resting on my chest and our faces glowing with love.

But it didn’t go that way.

Now when I think about what actually happened, I am reminded of Mike Tyson’s famous quote – “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

Because it truly felt like life punched me in the mouth. Things became very messy. We never even got to go on a coffee date. We met at a bar, we fought, we got back together, broke up again the next day, she thought I was playing with her, I thought she was cheating on me, went on a short trip and then got back together again.

It wasn’t the perfect scenario I imagined. There was no head resting on the chest and our faces weren’t glowing with love.

In the midst of this chaos that was my getting back together story, I forgot the most important thing that is needed for a relationship to work – Respect.

Respect for myself and respect for my ex.

Respect, in this context, means admiring someone for who they are, not for what they can give you.

I was so focused on trying to get my ex to give me my dream relationship that I never paid attention to who she was at her core. And I never paid attention to what I needed at my core.

The relationship we got back together in was toxic because we were fundamentally incompatible. And it ended again after a few years.

The Honest Way To Get Back Together

I firmly believe that relationships that last are built on respect. Respect for oneself and respect for their partner.

Every other foundation of such relationships are built on top of respect. Such as love, trust, honesty, commitment, attraction, kindness etc.

Attraction comes and goes, people can learn to communicate better, mistakes can be forgiven and trust can be rebuilt as long as both partners have respect for each other.

Hence, any attempt to get back together should be based on the foundation of respect.

If you respect each other, you will be honest, try to communicate, try to meet each other’s needs, grow together, apologize genuinely for mistakes and make each other a priority.

Whereas if you don’t respect each other, or if you don’t respect yourself, even the slightest of issues can lead to a huge fight or a breakup.

If you believe you and your ex have respect for each other, and you want to get them back in a healthy relationship, you should first let the breakup happen and then organically rebuild a new relationship. This is how to do that in 5 steps.

The 5 Steps To Get Your Ex Back

Step 1 – Stop Desperately Trying To Get Them Back
Step 2 – Give Each Other Space and Time
Step 3 – Move On to Become a Better Version of Yourself
Step 4 – Reconnect With Your Ex
Step 5 – Talk About Getting Back Together

It’s interesting that while following this process, you don’t do anything “extra” to get them back that would prevent you from moving on. This is why I also call it “The Do Nothing” approach to getting your ex back.

This approach is congruent to what you would do if you respect yourself and wish to move forward in life, even if it includes interacting with your ex at one point to see if there’s a potential. And it is still the most effective way to get your ex back permanently.

Let’s go over those 5 steps in a bit of detail. (If you are looking to get your ex girlfriend back, read my detailed article on winning an ex girlfriend back.)

You deserve a healthy relationship – With Your Ex, or Without Them.

Find out if you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back by taking this quiz.

It takes two to rebuild trust in a relationship.

STEP 1 – Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Back aka The Desperate Mistakes

In short, respect your ex’s decision and let the breakup happen. This way, you are also respecting yourself by not doing things that make you look desperate and push your ex away. Things like –

Calling and texting them all the time
Begging or pleading
Trying to convince them with logic or showering them with affection.
Being a doormat and letting them walk all over you.
Freaking out if they start dating other people.

All these things are needy, desperate and unattractive. Besides, your ex probably thought a lot before making this decision and you aren’t going to change it with logic, grand romantic gestures or being a nuisance. It’ll just push them further away.

You expect this.

But what actually happens is something like this.

Imagine a pushy salesman trying to sell you a pair of boots that you showed a bit of interest in. They follow you around the mall and keep asking you to consider buying again. You don’t want to become that person, do you?

One of my clients literally followed her ex down the street screaming and later called his mother to convince him to come back. It didn’t work and it made her feel terrible about herself. But she recovered from it and even had an opportunity to get back together after months (which she declined.)

So if you made such mistakes, don’t beat yourself over it. Most people do it because it’s human nature. It’s not a big deal. The important thing is to stop as soon as possible.

When you feel like you need to do something to get them back, make a choice to do nothing.

3 Feelings Your Ex Feels Before Coming Back

It’s not love or regret. Your ex needs to go through these 3 feelings before they come back. Understand this and you will understand everything that’s going on with your ex right now.

Click Here To Understand These 3 Feelings

Curious if you still have a chance? Take this quiz to find out your chances. If you want to read more about why these actions don’t work, read the old archived version of this article.

Step 2 – No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space aka Give Your ex a Breakup

The second step is to make a decision to give them space and time. And for a lot of people, it’s a big decision. If you’ve read anything about breakups, there’s something called the no contact rule often recommended. Here’s what it means –

No phone calls, emails or texts.
No DMs on any social media apps
No interacting through mutual friends or family
No “accidentally” running into them at places they are going to visit.
No snapchat streaks, likes on their stories or other indirect form of communication
Any important communication (such as regarding a shared child or shared responsibilities) can be done with an ex while keeping it strictly on the topic.
If you live together, you either move out, get them to move out, or create your own separate space in the house.

And here’s why you should do it –

1. Your ex is not going to miss you unless you give them space and time. They want a breakup, but they still don’t know what it feels like to “not have you”. Because as of now, they probably feel like they can have you any time they want. Plus, as time goes by, our memories tend to remove negative associations and start looking at the past more favorably. [1] [2]

But it’s not just about your ex, it’s more about you.

2. You need time and space to heal. The fact is, you are a mess after a breakup. For some people, it feels like their world is ending. It’s not. But healing takes some time. When you heal, you will realize you don’t NEED your ex to have a happy fulfilling life. You may still WANT them. But there’s a big difference.[3] [4]

3. You must strive to grow and become a better version of yourself. I am not saying that you are broken or unattractive. Remember your ex was already attracted to you at one point of time. But you can use this pain and this experience to learn more about yourself and be better. Accept yourself more, love yourself more, and be proud of yourself more. Someone who is confident and happy in their life. People respect people who respect themselves.[5]

I recommend you do it for at least 30 days. But ideally, you should continue doing it for as long as it takes you to heal from the breakup and rediscover yourself. And in most cases, that takes up to two months.

One of my readers was terrified of implementing no contact thinking she will lose her ex for good. Here’s what she emailed me about implementing no contact –

“I was trying to support him in his new job (and secretly making sure he is not dating someone else lol), but I could feel him pulling away with each conversation. At one point, I felt like he was just responding to me out of pity. It made me feel worthless. This is when I decided to apply your no contact rule. And it was the best decision I made. I feel empowered because I no longer want to control him. I genuinely believed if he wants me, he will come to me. Otherwise I am better off without him. I did nothing other than moving forward in my life. And he reached out after 45 days. I am taking your advice and being skeptical about getting back together. I will take things slow and see how it goes.”

So even if this seems scary right now, know that things will get better. I am not claiming your ex will reach out for sure, but if you and your ex have respect and a strong connection, it’s not going away anytime too soon.

One 2025 scientific study claims that romantic attachment doesn’t fully go away for almost four years. But even if you have a hard time believing that, other studies and experiences have shown that most people still have feelings for each other until six months after the breakup.

Understand that I am not asking you to move on from your ex against your will. I am just asking you to give each other some time and space so you can move forward in life, get some clarity and maybe connect again in the future.

STEP 3 – Heal and Become a Better Version of Yourself

Notice that it isn’t about becoming someone that your ex wants you to be. Or becoming someone that you think your ex wants you to be.

It’s about you healing, and becoming a better version of yourself. You do this for yourself, not for your ex. You become version 2.0 of yourself.

This entails 3 things – Healing, Growth, and Self-Reflection

Healing – Self-Love and Self-Care

Healing requires taking care of your body, mind and soul. And being patient while you are at it.

Acknowledge this breakup hurt you and it’s going to take a while. But it will get better.

Feel your feelings. Don’t avoid them. Observe your thoughts and feelings. And then try to let them go. Remind yourself that it is temporary and you will heal. Remind yourself that even though it feels impossible – YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

Pamper yourself by getting a haircut, getting a facial, getting your teeth cleaned, getting new clothes, taking a warm bath, or going on a weekend getaway.

Do Meditation. Read Self-help books and Get therapy. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what Self-respect and Confidence means.

Growth – Health, Wealth, and Relationships

Growth in life helps you rewire your brain, raise your self-esteem and realize that you don’t need your ex to be happy. Essentially, you stop focusing on your romantic relationship and focus on other areas of your life.

This could mean your health, wealth, hobbies, friends, family or charitable work.

Out of all this, exercising is one of the most helpful things to do at this time because it helps both your body and your mind by releasing endorphins. [6] It also helps in getting good sleep which is a crucial part of healing. [7]

The second most effective thing to do is spending time with friends and family. Doing so makes you feel gratitude towards life and makes you realize you are still loved and supported. Just a warm hug from a friend releases Oxytocin.[8]

And the third most effective thing to do is something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time. Guitar lessons? Dance Classes? Solo Travel? Skydiving?

And the reason it is so effective is because it is a novel experience. It releases dopamine and it forces your brain to create new memories and new neural pathways. [9] As it creates new pathways, your old pathways become less important and you rewrite the story you tell yourself about you. For example, you go from “I am the person who got dumped over a text.” to “I am the person who solo traveled 5 countries in SE Asia and made tons of friends.”

Learning from the past

Breakups usually happen when one or more of our fundamental needs from a relationship aren’t being met. Here’s a simplified version of these needs based on the Self-Determination Theory, Attachment Theory and my coaching experience –

Core Need	Description	Related Attributes	Antagonist (Emotional Threat)
Status or Value	The need to be respected and be with someone we respect.	Emotional Attraction, Physical Attraction	Insecurity, Low Self-esteem
Connection	The need to feel understood and accepted.	Empathy, Kindness, Compassion, Chemistry, Compatibility	Shame
Safety	The need to feel safe.	Commitment, Trust, Priority	Lies, Infidelity, Dishonesty, Neglect

Reflect on the relationship

Take some time to seriously think about whether or not these needs were being met in the relationship. Both for your ex and for yourself.

Did you feel respected? Did your ex feel respected?

I am sure there was physical attraction at one point. But were you both emotionally attracted to each other?

Did you both admire and respect each other as a person? Or was the relationship mostly transactional?

Did you both understand each other on a deep level? If not, what was lacking and what could be done to fix it?

Did you let shame stop you from being vulnerable? Did your ex let shame control their actions or choices?

Could you both trust each other? If not, what would it take for both of you to trust each other?

What were your fights or disagreements like? Healthy relationships get stronger after disagreements while broken ones keep on getting worse after each fight.

While you are thinking about this, you should educate yourself on toxic relationship traits, narcissistic cycles and unhealthy communication patterns.

Is It Worth Trying To Fix It?

Ask yourself if these issue can even be fixed and if the relationship has long term potential.

In my experience, most people can improve their relationship quality by respecting themselves more, learning to communicate better and learning what trust means in a healthy relationship.

Do you think it’s possible if both you and your ex made an effort?

I would ask you to seriously rethink your desire to get them back if your relationship had –

Any type of abuse.
A lot of toxic fights where you both disrespect each other.
A lot of manipulation or gaslighting (usually in Narcissistic Abuse Cycles).

The above 3 things are a huge sign of lack of respect. And that means even if you get back together, it’s going to be very unhealthy for you and you will most likely break up again.

As you do all of the above, you will heal and accept the breakup. And you will learn much more about yourself, about your ex and whether or not your relationship is worth salvaging.

For a lot of people, they realize that their ex may not be the best person for them to get in a relationship with and decide to move on.

But for some, they still WANT their ex back even though they know they don’t NEED them. And if that’s you, you can choose to reach out and reconnect with them.

STEP 4 – Contacting Your Ex aka Re-connection

Alright, assuming you have taken the time to heal, and you still believe there is potential for a healthy relationship with your ex, then you reconnect with your ex. Remember, a healthy relationship is based on respect, trust, and connection. And when you are reconnecting with your ex, you are laying the foundation of that new relationship.

So you better reconnect from a place of honesty, rather than from a place of manipulation.

How Do I Know I am Ready To Reconnect With My Ex?

Like I said before, nothing in this process is about “getting your ex back” per se. It’s about what you need to do to move forward in life. And if you feel you need to try to reconnect with your ex to move forward, then you should do it.

It should be a logical well thought out decision rather than an emotional one.

My recommendation is to reconnect when you have healed and you are ready to accept whatever happens with your ex.

That means you are okay even if your ex doesn’t respond, or if they are dating someone else, or they straight up reject you.

Know that no matter how much you have healed, you can still get hurt. It won’t set you back to zero, but it can be painful.

Essentially, you should be mentally prepared to walk away from this if it doesn’t work – knowing that you are going to be okay because there are endless opportunities out there to find love and happiness.

As I said before, this takes two months of no contact including a lot of self-care, self-love, and introspection for most people. But your mileage may vary.

You can also find a checklist in an archived version of this article.

If you are ready, then here’s how you reconnect with your ex.

How To Reconnect?

I recommend one of two approaches to reconnect –

The Direct Method – Straight up call your ex and ask them if they are interested in getting back together. If not, then let them go and move on with your life.

Example,

“Hey Ex, I know we’ve been broken up for a while. And even though it was painful in the beginning, I have accepted the breakup. I have been healing from this and working on my issues. And I know if I choose to, I can move on from this.

But I would be amiss if I didn’t tell you that what we had was something very special and it’s worth trying to get back together. I think the issues that lead us to break up can be fixed and we should at least talk about it and reconsider things.”

The direct approach is the most straightforward no nonsense method. But it can be a little overwhelming and may turn off an ex who is skeptical about getting back together.

The Semi-Direct Method – Acknowledge what happened in the past, explain to them who you are at the moment and what you want, without being aggressive or putting any pressure on them. Or in other words – without using any labels.

Example,

“Listen, I just want to let you know that I am sorry for texting and calling a thousand times after the breakup. I just couldn’t accept the fact that we broke up. But you were right. Breakup was the right decision. We weren’t happy with each other. And now I agree with you.

It has been a while and I have learned so much about me because of this breakup. It was painful, but I can now see how I was pushing you to be someone you are not. I was doing it because of my own issues and I own up to it. And I want to apologize for that as well.

I know you may not want to hear from me again, but I still think about you and it would be nice to have a chat. There are a lot of things happening in my life and I miss sharing them with you. How have you been?”

This was an actual message sent by a reader. Notice that it acknowledges the lack of respect she had during the relationship and makes an apology for it.

For the majority of cases, I recommend going for the semi-direct method because I’ve found it way more effective. It gives both you and your ex some space to get to know each other again without pressure.

Ask To Meetup With Your Ex

Ask to meet with your ex as soon as it feels appropriate. Don’t over think it. And don’t delay it for too long. Remember, no phone call or text can ever match the connection you get in person.

So phone calls and texts should only be a means to a meetup.

When you meetup, keep things simple, share all the awesome stuff you have been doing and just try to have a good time.

And if the date goes well, ask them out again after a few days.

Step 5 – Talk About Getting Back Together

The topic of getting back together usually comes up on its own when you both start talking again and meetup. But if it doesn’t within 3-4 dates, then you should speak to your ex about it.

As I already established before, respect is probably the most important aspect of reconciliation. But as you lay the foundation of your new relationship, I want to introduce you to Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory.

It basically means that relationships that work have two most important pillars – Trust and Commitment.

Out of these two, trust comes before commitment. And unfortunately, trust usually takes a hit during a breakup.

The only way to build trust is through consistent, reliable actions over a period of time.

Trust is not built on words. It’s built on actions. And it takes time. It’s what you do, not what you say. And the same goes for your ex. It’s what they do, not what they promise.

In other words – Show, don’t tell. Believe actions, don’t believe words. And take it slow.

As you both spend time together, build trust by consistently being honest with each other, talking about the issues that broke you apart, setting clear boundaries, showing empathy, making each other a priority and communicating clearly and openly.

Sure, have fun with each other, if it feels right, have sex as well. Enjoy your time together and the cocktail of Oxytocin, Dopamine and Endorphins that are released during the honeymoon phase of reconciliation.

But always remember that the foundation of your new relationship needs to be built on trust.

And trust is mostly built during stressful times, conflict or difficult conversations. Thankfully, life gives you plenty of opportunities (i.e. stressful times) to do this.

For example, one of my client used to withdraw and ghost his ex whenever he was stressed or when there was a fight. This is what he said while trying to get back together,

“We’ve had a few amazing dates over the past few month, but she still wasn’t open to getting back together. I knew she was still skeptical about my promises to try to be more open.

So when it was time for the “always pain in the ass” Quarterly Review at work, I decided to share what was going on. Instead of just withdrawing, I told her a little bit about what was happening and why it was bothering me. She was happy to listen and even gave me some space without asking.

Since then, she became much more open to meeting up and talking to me. I am quite positive she will say yes if I ask her to get back together tomorrow. But I am enjoying the process and will wait for a few more dates.”

If you feel you’ve both rebuilt the trust, then ask for commitment.

If there is a doubt, a trial period is a great way to know if you both trust each other enough before fully committing to each other.

If you feel the issues were too overwhelming to handle on your own, propose going to couples counseling.

And lastly, be willing to walk away if this is not the right relationship for you or if your mental health is suffering. The whole point of this is to find out if getting back together is the right choice for you. And if it isn’t, then you can move on knowing fully that you tried your best and you both aren’t meant to be.

Bonus Step 6 – Support That Works

If you want help during the no contact period, you can subscribe to my 30 days free email series that gives you one short motivational, informative and inspirational email every day. It helps you go through this process and also teaches you everything else you need to know about getting back together –

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