Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
My name is Kevin Thompson, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that. If they say they can, they are lying.
I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.
Why should you trust me or the advice on this page?
Because I have over 13 years of experience as a breakup coach. And at Ex Back Permanently, we conducted the largest study on getting an ex back and keeping them. We strive to keep all the information accurate and helpful. Read more about me, this website and our editorial policy over here.
The first question that most of our readers have on their mind is..
Can I Get My Ex Back?
In my 13 years of experience, I have seen thousands of people reunite with their ex partners. I have seen my readers and clients get back with their ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, ex wives, ex husbands and ex fiancés. I have seen this plan work for straight and gay relationships alike. I have had clients who reconciled with their ex in all age groups – from 18 year olds to people in their 20s, 40s, 60s and even in their 70s.
But I have also seen people try their best and fail. I have also seen people realize that they don’t want their ex back after a few months of the breakup.
So yes, you can get your ex back. Almost anyone can. But like I said before, there are no guarantees. You should taper your expectations and be realistic because not everyone gets their ex back.
How Can I Get My Ex Back and Keep Them?
The best way to get an ex back is to first let the breakup happen and then organically rebuild a new relationship. When the breakup happens, accept it and don’t try to hold on to your ex. Give them space and time. While you are apart, focus on self-growth, self-care and self-improvement. And then eventually re-establish contact with them to rebuild something new.
The key is to build something new, on a stronger foundation based on trust, communication, respect and love. That’s the only way you can be sure you and your ex will stay together for good.
This whole process can take a while. For most people, it can take from one to six months. But people who follow this through and get back together find their new relationship to be stronger and healthier than it was before.
The process can be filled with doubts, uncertainty and confusion. This is why I have divided this article in 5 major steps. This way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back.
It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together and make you feel miserable.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again.
Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. It also includes case studies that you can read by clicking on them. I highly recommend you read the entire article because it will not only help you understand what you should do but also why you should do it.
- Step 1: Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation
- Step 2: Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
- Step 3: During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
- Step 4: Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message (Hint: Think Elephant)
- Step 5: Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.
Let’s begin. Here’s how a lot of my clients got their ex back and you can too.
STEP 1 – Stop Screwing Up Your Chances with Neediness, Insecurity and Desperation by Avoiding These Deadly Mistakes (aka The Misguided Instincts)
I call this part “The Misguided Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following what they think is their instincts. But instead, it’s their panicked mind and the fear of losing their ex.
Most of the advice in this article feels counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense.
So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then he suddenly acting this way.
That’s the story of majority of the people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your think your instincts are telling you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.
But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
Your instinct fools you into thinking that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.
But in reality, it goes something like this.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in a certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this below in a later step.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
You will want to believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them (or how miserable you are without them), they will take you back.
Your thought pattern becomes something like
- If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
- If only he knows that I can’t continue my life without him, he will want me back because he cares about me.
- Once I get him back, I can show him how we are both great together.
Again, your misguided instincts are screwing with you.
Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable.
And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want your ex to be with you out of pity?
Or do you want them to respect and love you?
Relationships that are not built on love and respect inevitable end up in a bad breakup. And that’s exactly what will happen if your ex gets back with you out of pity.
Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You
Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less.
How can they respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
Maybe they will use you for a while. Maybe they will have fun having someone around who lives and dies for them. But eventually, they will realize they need a relationship, not a doormat.
According to Ryan Howes, PhD, and PsychCentral, every healthy relationship has boundaries. And if you don’t have boundaries or self-respect in your relationship, you are most likely going to end up in an unhealthy relationship.
Even if you manage to get your ex back by being a doormat, it’s only going to be an unhealthy relationship and it will eventually end again.
Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection
Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do.
How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Whatever reasons they have for breaking up with you will not just magically disappear because you love them. Showering them with affection is not going to change their mind.
In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.
Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating
The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that later, but first, let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do.
I will try everything, including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day.
I need to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into hard panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rebound Relationships).
And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they are avoiding the grief. And that means it will take them longer to get over you.
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it.
Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea.
They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new.
And in most cases, they will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship.
(Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read Common Patterns of a Rebound Relationship. or Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She Has Moved On To a New Boyfriend)
Deadly Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger
Name-calling your ex out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who were used to name-calling their ex while fighting. It’s also common if you both threatened each other to breakup constantly.
It’s pretty obvious that name-calling will only make your ex feel less attracted to you. But it’s not very obvious if you are still panicking and your instincts are in fight or flight mode.
If you used to verbally abuse each other or get very angry while fighting or arguing, there’s a good chance your instinct will want you to do that again when you are broken up.
Your instincts want to believe that this is just another fight or argument. And if you just show your ex that you are angry, they will calm down and tell you they want to get back together.
The same way it happened when you both fought.
This rarely ever works. If your ex is serious about the breakup, then getting angry will only make them think that breaking up with you was the right decision.
Getting angry will remind them of all the bad fights and arguments that slowly and surely ate away the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind them that you both don’t understand each other and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
If you relate to this, then this is a great time to acknowledge and address any unhealthy patterns you may have developed over the years.
Conflicts should not always lead to fights, anger or name-calling. I highly recommend that you try to learn healthy communications. Read books on communication, get therapy if needed. If you feel lost or confused and need help figuring out what to do next, consider getting relationship coaching.
Case Study: A Toxic Relationship Ended, A Healthy Relationship was Reborn
Terry and Amanda fought bad. They shouted and screamed at each other in almost every fight.
Threatening to leave each other was a very common in their fights.
But one day, Amanda decided to leave Terry for good. She was tired of the toxic relationship. She was embarrassed in front of her neighbors (because of all the shouting) and was ashamed of herself and her partner.
The good that was always followed by the bad. And the bad kept on getting worse while the good remained the same.
At first Terry was in denial. But soon he realized this wasn’t like before.
She was serious, and she wasn’t just doing this to make him feel guilty. She really wanted to breakup.
He was devastated. He wanted to get her back but didn’t know how. He felt like he had no hope.
Everyone blamed him for all the negativity in the relationship. Amanda’s friends and parents were against him.
It felt like his entire world came crumbling down.
He preferred it when she was angry at him. At least that meant she cared.
Terry followed this plan. But he had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong.
The toxicity in the relationship was caused by insecurity, lack of trust and lack of communication. Both of them had no idea how to communicate with each other. Even though they loved each other, they just couldn’t find a way to stop fighting and live happily for more than a week.
Terry wanted to make sure that this never happened again if they get back together. He went to counseling. He started an anger management program. And he read books on communication.
The last time I heard from him, they were talking about getting back together after two months of no contact.
“She noticed that I have been taking steps to improve myself. She said that she wants to get back together but is not sure if we will repeat the same mistakes. She felt that she was also responsible for the bad arguments and she wants to improve herself as well. We are planning to meet up and discuss it soon. Maybe we will go for couples counseling.” – Terry
Deadly Mistake #7: The Obsession and Misinterpretation
The obsession that comes after a bad breakup is probably the worst part of it.
Your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back as soon as possible.
Your mind wants a fool proof plan. It wants a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It will ask questions like,
- “Will my ex come back?”
- “Is my ex missing me?”
- “Does he still love me?”
- “What can I do to get him back instantly?”
- “Will she start dating someone already?”
- “She went on a date, does this mean it’s over?”
- “He looked happy in a picture he posted on Instagram, does this mean he is over me?”
- “My ex added me on snapchat. Does this mean he wants to get back? Does he want me to reach out?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping up in your mind, you will realize that these questions are pretty much useless.
I say this because it’s impossible to know the correct answers to these questions. You or anyone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
They are all about what’s going on in your ex’s head. There is no way for anyone to know exactly what’s going on in your ex’s head or what will happen in the future, unless they are the oracle.
These questions are a result of your mind trying to do an impossible task. A task, that your instinct has given your mind.
Imagine your mind is like a computer that will try to find a solution to whatever problem you give it. Now imagine your instincts tell your mind to do the following
“Find a way that 100% guarantees me that I will get my ex back. Make sure that I do not lose my ex at any cost. Figure out this way as soon as possible because my ex may move on. If you don’t, then it’s going to be very hard for me (and by extension YOU) to survive.”
Do you see the problem here?
Your anxiety and your instincts want your mind to find a way to change someone’s free will. And it doesn’t even have enough time to do so. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your survival.
No wonder your mind is working on overdrive.
These questions don’t push your ex away by themselves. But when your mind is working on overdrive, it is likely to make mistakes.
Most of the mistakes mentioned above are a result of bad judgement that comes with not thinking things through and panicking.
In fact, a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process. The authors of the study state “A debilitating aspect of anxiety is its impact on decision making and flexible control of behavior.”
If you are panicking, constantly anxious and obsessing over your breakup, you are very likely to make mistakes that push your ex away and make you even more anxious.
- If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how you still love them.
- If your ex tells you they still have feelings for you, you might feel the urge to drive to their house with flowers and chocolate thinking that this is the type of reconciliation story they show in the movies.
- If your ex posts a picture on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you might assume that they are dating and start freaking out and make every mistake I mentioned above.
- If you find out they liked a picture of someone on Instagram, your mind might conclude that they want to sleep with them. You may freak out, call them and act controlling or borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid making any misinterpretation is to just not take any action for a while. Not until your mind has calmed down and is not panicking hard.
It’s also advisable to not listen to your friends and family at this time. Even though they mean well, most people are not equipped to analyze a breakup and figure out the best course of action that will lead to getting your love back. Although, you should try to spend quality time with your friends and family as that is an important part of healing from the breakup.
Recommended Reading: The ‘I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex Phase’ and How To Stop
What If I’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup.
It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
Case Study: Jenny made all the mistakes. Her ex was in a rebound. But she still managed to get him back
The first thing that Jenny noticed when she came to our website was the deadly mistakes mentioned in this article. She made all the mistakes mentioned in the article and then some.
She constantly called her ex, constantly texted him, and even went to his house once because he didn’t reply.
She begged him to take her back. Told her that she can’t live without him. And she totally freaked out when she found out her ex went on a date. She repeated all the mistakes and even threatened to tell her new girlfriend that he should not be trusted. She even became borderline abusive and said some nasty things to him.
But all she could get from her ex was this line.
“I am sorry Jenny. I don’t see a future with you.”
She was a mess when she read this article. But she decided to do no contact and figure out a way to fix herself before trying to get him back.
And eventually she got him back by following this exact plan.
The real reason this plan worked for Jenny because she worked on her self-esteem and confidence. It took her a total of 3 months, but it was worth it.
When she contacted her ex, he had already broken up with his rebound and was glad to hear from her. It wasn’t just the right timing, it was also the right words that she used in her first contact message after no contact. Her message conveyed honesty and confidence.
“I realized the reason he broke up with me was because I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my confidence, my self-worth and my individuality. I followed the process and regained my confidence before contacting him. Things were surprisingly easy after that.
I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and what we both needed to do to make it work this time.” – Jenny
STEP 2 – Stop Contact with Your Ex. Give Yourself Some Time and Space and Give Your Ex What They Asked For. A Breakup.
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule.
It’s simple and very effective.
All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
- No Calling
- No Texting
- No Emails
- No Online Contact Of Any Kind (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook Whatsapp, Snapchat, Telegram etc.)
- No “accidentally” bumping into him (you know what that means)
- No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex
- No keeping tabs on them via friends.
Why do no contact?
For these three reasons
Reason No. 1: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you.
People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you.
But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them.
Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.
Moreover, your ex asked you for a breakup. And unless you give them a breakup, they will never truly know what it feels like to lose you.
Reason No. 2: You also need some space and time.
You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest.
It could be that you are just missing your ex because you are used to being with them.
If you were with your ex for a considerable amount of time, you may have developed an identity that is you being part of a couple. Once you start no contact, you may feel uncomfortable, anxious or have a sense of emptiness being by yourself. You may feel like you have lost your identity, like a part of you is missing.
According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationship, this feeling is usually associated with the desire of getting an ex back and is more common amongst anxiously attached individuals. That means if you were anxious in your relationship with your ex, you are more likely to feel incomplete after the breakup and that getting them back will make you whole again.
However, getting them back just because you feel incomplete is not a healthy decision. Instead, use this time to learn to love yourself, understand your anxiety, learn to manage it on your own and learn to be whole again without being in a relationship.
As you continue with no contact, you should focus on healing from the breakup, and re-develop an identity of your own (if you feel lost and confused about yourself).
Eventually, you will realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy.
Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
If you and your ex get back together after you’ve learned to be happy with yourself, the new relationship will be much more fulfilling and stronger than it was before.
Reason No. 3: You must become confident before you can get him/her back.
You must become an attractive, happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and becoming an overall happy person.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.
If you want to heal from the breakup, you must stop adding to the stress that is caused by staying in touch with your ex directly or indirectly. One study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains how stalking your ex on Social Media can be a significant source of distress to individuals.
And as long as you are in distress, you won’t be able to grow or become a better version of yourself.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to just stop contact with your ex, heal from the breakup and become more confident before you start talking to your ex again?
(If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
How long is the no contact period?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases, it could be anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months.
Your ex during No Contact Period
At this point, you might start wondering how no contact is going to effect your ex and what you should do about it. This section covers most of the doubts you may have regarding no contact. If you still need more information, read our detailed article on the no contact rule.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember, by doing no contact, you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own well-being over your ex. And there is nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.
Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?
In most cases, you should NOT respond to your ex’s text during no contact. According to psychologist Samantha Rodman on Huffpost, if your ex is texting you, the likeliest possibility is they are reflecting on the relationship and maybe even missing you. But if you engage with your ex via text, it may cause some emotional backsliding and even stunt some of the healing process.
Remember your aim during the no contact rule is to heal and become someone your ex would love to get back with. And if you engage with your ex every time they text you, you are just distracting yourself.
Recommended Reading: How To Respond To a Text From Your Ex
Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?
No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.
What if my ex moves on during no contact?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact?
What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over here. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days?
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex.
You have to give it to them.
And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.
What if My ex and I have Children?
If you have children, then you must do limited contact. That means you only speak to your ex when necessary.
You only speak to them about your children or about the topics that are important.
You don’t speak about anything personal. If your ex asks you a personal question, you tell them something like,
“I am not ready to speak about my personal life with you at the moment. I hope you understand and keep the conversation only related to our child (or children) for the time being.”
Recommended Reading: When It’s Okay To Text Your Ex During No Contact
What if my ex and I live together?
If you both live together, it’s going to be tough to do no contact and get some space. This is why I highly recommend you find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with them is hard for you right now and you would like to temporarily move out. Tell them you would decide about the living arrangements later when you are thinking clearly.
If it’s not possible to move out, then you should do limited contact. Only speak to your ex if it’s important and don’t talk about anything personal. Make a space for yourself in the house and only stay in that space.
What will my ex think if I don’t contact them for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, no, that’s not a good question.
In fact, it’s one of the question that your panicked mind is likely to ask.
Like I said earlier, we can never know what is going on inside another person’s head. Not unless we are mind readers.
But I can tell you what usually happens to an ex when their ex stops contacting them after a breakup.
You see, if you have been in constant touch after a breakup, your ex never really had to face the breakup. Sure, they made the decision to breakup with you and they probably think breaking up was the right decision.
But they never actually faced the breakup because you kept acting like they still have you.
A breakup means losing someone you love. And if they never really felt like they lost you, they never truly went through the breakup.
They never grieved, and they never felt that feeling of having a black hole from hell in the pit of your stomach.
There’s a good chance your ex will start facing grief when you start no contact. How they react to that grief is a whole different topic.
- They might start contacting you every day.
- They might get angry.
- They might shut down and start ignoring you completely. (In majority of cases, this is only temporary. So, don’t worry. Ask your panicked mind to calm down)
- They might start stalking you on social media or through common friends.
- They might even decide to do no contact themselves and heal from the breakup.
- The might contact you casually to see what you are upto and act like they are interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know you are still their pet and they have all the power over you.
Case Study: No Contact made her ex crazy for her. But not in a good way.
Jennifer wasn’t as desperate as some of my other clients. But she still loved her ex and wanted to get him back. She felt they had a strong connection and a future together.
Her ex broke up with her because he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married and have children. The two things that were very important to Jennifer. It was a classic case of fear of commitment.
When she started no contact, she was not sure if it will work. It worked, but not in the way she wanted.
Her ex called her after 2 days of no contact. He asked her how she was. She replied and told him that she doesn’t want to speak to him for a while because she wants to heal from the breakup.
He was a bit taken back, but he agreed and hung up.
A couple days later, he started texting her late at night. He was obviously drunk. He started telling her how he loved her and how much she meant to him.
Jennifer thought it best not to reply to him. He said those things before while drinking and went back to being cold when he was sober.
The next day, however, her ex wasn’t cold. He was angry. He became abusive. Calling her names, you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother. Accusing her of being with a new guy and forgetting him so soon after the breakup.
She was heartbroken, but her perspective and her thoughts about her ex changed. She continued no contact.
Her ex didn’t quit though, he showed up at her doorstep. Asked her if the guy she was dating is in her bed now.
She explained that she wasn’t dating anyone and she just needs some space to deal with the breakup.
He brought up issues from the relationship to try to get a rise out of her.
“You were always like this. I could never trust you. That time you went partying with your girlfriends, I am sure you cheated on me.”
This wasn’t what she expected, but she was not surprised. Her ex always had trust issues even though she was honest with him and never gave him a reason to doubt her. He brought up that night again and again during fights. The one night she came home late.
He eventually left. But his behavior made her realize that he was not the right person for her. She decided to continue no contact indefinitely and move on.
Her ex continued this behavior for a couple months. He even asked her to get back together many times. But she was determined to move on.
“I never realized I was with a controlling and emotionally abusive guy until I started no contact.” – Jennifer
STEP 3 – During No Contact, Strive to Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. Someone Your Ex Won’t Be Able To Resist.
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time.
If you want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship.
But you must balance it out with things that bring you joy. You must go out and enjoy life. You must figure out what makes you happy and do it. You must learn to be happy without your ex.
You must get your individuality back before you can get your ex back.
Here’s how you can do that.
Positive Changes In Your Appearance
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do.
- Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
- Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
- Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
- Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
Positive changes in your mentality
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.
Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself.
Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions that have been building up inside. Studies have shown that expressive writing can help a lot when it comes to regaining your composure during stressful times.
Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s imperative for you to get some perspective right now and ,in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do it.
Positive Changes in Your Behavior and Habits
In a lot of cases, it’s your habits or behavior that pushed your ex to the point of breakup. If you suffer from issues that you believe might have led to the breakup, this is the time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are.
- Controlling Nature
- Extreme Jealousy
- Lack of Passion
- Low Self-Esteem
- Lack of Personal Hygiene
- Lack of Motivation in Life
- Lack of Communication Skills
- Lack of Social Skills
- Inability to Trust
- Inability to Commit
If you think any of these things resonate with you, it’s time to start working on them.
If your ex feels like you have grown as a person and are more emotionally mature, there is a good chance they will think about getting back together.
I also talk about fixing these issues in my email series that you can subscribe to by taking this quiz.
Analyzing Your Relationship
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
- I love my ex.
- I can’t live without my ex.
- I am miserable without my ex.
- He/She was the only one for me.
- I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a breakup.
It’s extremely common for people to want to get their ex back after a breakup.
However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing them.
Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss your ex after you’ve been with them for a long time.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship.
You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not a relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
And the only way you can do it is by understanding yourself, loving yourself, appreciating what you have, understanding your purpose in life and pursuing it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now.
So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision.
And if you are sure it’s the right decision, then you must figure how to fix whatever was broken in your relationship.
Figure out What Was Broken and How to Fix It
Almost every success story I have come across has one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and exactly how to fix it.
There are so many reasons for a relationship can fail that it’s impossible to list them all over here. Moreover, every situation is unique and the solution to each situation is also unique.
Let’s explore some of the common issues that
- You fought too much? You had communication problems that lead to loss of connection.
- You were controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues that led to loss of attraction.
- Your ex didn’t want to commit? He didn’t feel a strong enough connection with you, he may be avoidant or he may have deep commitment issues.
- You cheated, or your ex cheated? Your relationship ended because the trust was broken.
- Your relationship was stressful? You didn’t spend enough quality time together that led to loss of attraction.
- Your relationship got monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You must figure out the real reason for the breakup. Not just what they said to you while breaking up with you. Try to figure out what happened in the relationship that pushed them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you deeply and breaking up with you was a hard decision for them as well.
If you truly love them, you owe it to them and yourself to figure out the root cause of the breakup and how to fix it.
“Without the self-reflection and growth by each, we can predict that couples who reconcile will return to old patterns after a honeymoon period, and will ultimately break up again, permanently.” Dr. Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT told Ex Back Permanently.
If you don’t know how to fix what was broken, you will never be able to get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up again because of the same reasons.
And the second time around, it’s going to be even more painful. For both of you.
It’s important you do this if you want to get your ex lover back permanently. When you are sure that you can fix whatever was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Analyzing the breakup to figure out what went wrong can also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a research by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra PhD, published on Sagepub.)
In some cases, you will realize that it’s not possible to fix what was broken, and that will help you move on from the breakup.
Case Study: He Came Back, But it Was No Happy Ending
Margarete’s ex broke up with her and went on a trip abroad for almost a month. She started no contact before she came to us. But no contact didn’t really work for the way I hoped it would.
If I had to describe her during no contact in four words, I would say
“Obsessed with her ex.”
She couldn’t get her ex out of her mind. All she could think about was what he was doing, what could happen if he comes back. What she should say to him if he contacts? She kept repeating what happened during the relationship and the breakup over and over again in her mind.
She was in, what I would call, a threaded toxic relationship. Her ex wouldn’t commit to her and wouldn’t leave her. They were together for almost 5 years. And she was fully committed to him. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted. A marriage and kids.
Whenever they came close to a commitment, he would freak out and make excuses.
Even when he left her, he gave her a bit of hope. That they might get back together in the future.
She started no contact, but she couldn’t really see how unhealthy this relationship was for her. She was obsessed with everything that happened. She was hurt and couldn’t get herself to entertain the thought of living without him.
That’s right, she couldn’t even imagine living without him. He had crossed every boundary she set for herself. Even cheated on her twice. But she still convinced herself that she loves him and will forgive him if he came back and commits.
Margarete was in a toxic relationship. And it was her fault more than anyone else. Her low self esteem made her feel worthless. And it kept her mind in a toxic state of obsessiveness. Even after her ex left her.
A couple of months after no contact, her ex came back. He was even impressed that she didn’t call him for two months. He felt attracted to this display of confidence and self-control.
They talked and got back together. Hoping to fix the relationship.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way Margarete hoped. Her ex had not changed a bit. He was still a bit immature and terrified of commitment. Unfortunately, Margarete was equally terrified of losing him.
The last time I spoke to her, they were on a temporary break, 2 years after getting back together. The relationship was pretty much the same as before. She was unhappy, exhausted and constantly frustrated. Her ex cheated on her again. And she still couldn’t get the courage to leave him.
This was not the type of relationship I had hoped she started with her ex. And I truly believe it’s because Margarete skipped this step. She did no contact. But she never grieved and regained her individuality. In my opinion, she should have extended no contact until she regained her self-confidence. But the idea of getting back together was too tempting for her to listen.
Thankfully, she is getting therapy now. And I hope that she gains the strength to leave him and put her own well being over the idea of being with him.
Update: Therapy helped Margarete and she got her ex back in a healthy relationship. She had a serious conversation with him about the issues in the relationship. And it motivated her ex to work on his issues as well. I teach how to have such conversation with an ex in EBP Advanced.
STEP 4 – Contact Your Ex at the Right Time with The Right Message to Reset Your Image and Make Them Attracted to You Again
Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect.
After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you.
They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you.
They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.
And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM.
That’s the new and improved you.
YOU version 2.0.
They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.
For that to happen, you need two things.
- You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
- You and your ex should talk and meet each other.
If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.
When is The Right Time to Contact My Ex?
The right time to contact your ex is when you are ready. It’s not so much about when they will miss you most, but about when you are ready to handle it without becoming needy and desperate again.
Believe me, a lot of guys and girls screw up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually starts fine because their ex misses them due to no contact, but they soon go back to being cold when they figure out you have been faking it. And they can always tell if you are faking the confidence.
So before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.
- You followed the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
- You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
- You have made a few positive changes in your life.
- You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
- You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
- You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you .
- You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.(Read more about having the right mindset after no contact is over)
What is The Right Way To Contact Your Ex?
The best way to contact your ex after no contact is to send them a text, an email or a hand written letter.
The medium which you use to contact your ex does not matter that much. What matters is the content of this message. I call this the Elephant in The Room Message because you should acknowledge the Elephant in the room (that you both broke up and whatever happened after) and reset your image in the eyes of your ex.
This message has three purposes.
To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best.
You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.
To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup.
You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.
To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life.
You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time.
You want to give them something to chew on.
They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you.
Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.
If you want to see some sample messages, you can download my free report “5 Elephant in the room texts” by clicking here.
Case Study 5: She left him for her ex. But he used the right message at the right time and got her back.
Alex was a slob. He played video games all day and didn’t really have any motivation in his life. His ex loved him but slowly stopped feeling attracted to him. He didn’t put in much effort in trying to make the relationship work.When her ex came into the picture, she hid it from him. When he found out, they had a fight and she left him.
He begged, pleaded and did everything he could do. He wrote her a really long letter and left it outside her apartment.
In case you are wondering, this was not the magic letter. In fact, this letter was the exact opposite of what I usually recommend. It was long and everything he wrote in it reeked of neediness and desperation.
Her ex replied whenever he texted her, but she was always cold. She refused to meet him. After about a month, she got back together with her ex. An ex, who used to be abusive at one point of time.
Alex got his act together. He realized he needed to make a lot of changes if he wants to get her back. He started focusing on his career, got in shape and got rid of his video games.
He messaged her again telling her how he has changed and that she should give him a chance. But her replies were still cold. She still refused to meet him.
When he came to me, he still loved her and wanted to give it a real shot. We realized that even though he has made all these changes, he still hasn’t changed one important thing.
He was still needy and desperate and was seeing his ex through rose colored glasses. She lied to him about her ex which was a huge red flag. And if he wanted to get her back, he must stop being needy and be realistic about her.
I asked him to do no contact again for month. Do the Advanced Healing Worksheets. Once he was ready, we drafted a letter together.
He sent her the letter via email. To be honest, we both weren’t expecting much. But his ex replied positively. They both spoke on text messages for a couple of days before deciding to meet up.
The change in him was obvious because the letter we drafted showed that his perspective has changed about this situation and he isn’t really needy anymore. This caused his ex to instantly feel attracted to him and was very curious in meeting him.
When they met, his behavior, his vibe and his confidence confirmed what his ex has been thinking. That he is a changed person. A confident person who isn’t needy and desperate. Someone who doesn’t need to be with her. But wants it.
They got back together after she broke up with her ex.
Texting Your Ex To Rebuild Attraction and Lead to a Meetup
Once you have re-established contact with your ex, you can start texting each other like you would text someone you are interested in dating. Except this time, you both already know each other so things will be a bit different.
In most cases, I highly recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before trying to speak to your ex casually. An effective first contact letter can really help change the way your ex thinks about you.
Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure your ex will read your texts.
If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you. (Read this more detailed article on getting your ex back with text messages.)
The key to using text messages is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend texting for serious conversations.
But if you really need to have a serious conversation over text, make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my texting article)
Here are three basic rules for texting your ex.
Texting Rule No. 1: Never send them an empty message.
An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
Texting Rule No. 2: Never ever talk about your feelings in a needy way and about getting back together.
“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”
Texting Rule No. 3: Never argue or say something negative over text.
“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”
Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.
Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.
“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”
Remind them of good moments you had together.
“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”
Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.
“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. And since you have a LOT of experience traveling there, I thought I’ll ask you. Do you have any recommendation for some fun activities we can do? I am thinking about Zip-lining but I am not sure if it will be worth it since we only have the weekend. ”
There are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be honest. Be positive. Be fun.
Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy.
Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. You want to rebuild attraction and connection with them via text messages before you move meet them in person.
After you’ve spend enough time texting them and you feel an attraction then you should go ahead and ask them out.
(Read more about texting your ex and building attraction via text.)
Asking Your Ex Out
Do not call it a date.
Do not call it a date.
If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together.
At least not now.
You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.
If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body.
And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person.
Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.
The best way to ask them out is to give them a call.
It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.
However, don’t go overboard in pushing them.
Don’t say something like.
”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.”
“You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”
Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.
Once they’ve agreed to meeting you, there’s a good chance getting back together is at the back of their mind. But it’s not over yet.
Case Study: An ex who refuses to meet but keeps stringing you along
Maggi’s ex was a police officer who worked long hours. They were together for almost 4 years before he decided to call it off.
They had an argument and he just said that he doesn’t see himself marrying her and called it off. She didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. She didn’t beg or plead. She just said okay and gave him some space.
But she would still contact him. She would ask him what he was doing.
He would reply to her messages. Slowly she started talking about the good memories together. She started talking about how she missed him. And he reciprocated. He said he misses her too and still loves her.
But whenever she asked him to meet up, he would make an excuse. He would say he has some work and/or cancel at the last moment.
Maggi kept on speaking to him via text. It seemed to go well until she asked him to meet. Every time he said no, Maggi felt rejected and lost hope.
The problem was that even though he had feelings for her and cared about her, he still didn’t think he could work things out with her. He wanted to explore his options. He was even going on dates while he was refusing to meet up with her (as Maggi found out later).
He thought that meeting up with her will make it difficult for him to keep his freedom. He thought that he might be cornered into getting back together.
And on the other hand, he kept on speaking with Maggi because he wanted to keep her as an option.
He wanted his cake and eat it too.
Maggi eventually started no contact and decided to heal. Before contacting him again, we made sure that she has the right mindset about this. That she wants him back but does not need him. That if they get back together, it will be a new relationship and they will have to take things slow from the beginning. That he needed to be a different person as well if they wanted to make it work.
When she contacted him, her ex was very excited. This time, he asked to meet up. When they did finally meet up, Maggi was a little bit disappointed in him. He was still the same person. She felt that he was manipulative and controlling. He wanted to keep her as a backup while fooling around with other girls. The second date confirmed her feelings when he told her that he loves her but doesn’t want to commit yet. She found out from her friends that he was dating a couple other girls as well.
Maggi decided to cut him off and move on. She had enough confidence in herself to not be used by a man like this. She found someone who respected her after a few months. They’ve been together 2 years now.
Step 5 – Meetup with Your Ex to Build Attraction, Connection and Trust. Talk About Getting Back Together When the Time is Right.
When you meet your ex, your ex will be a little bit skeptical. Even though you’ve built enough attraction and connection via phone calls and text messages, they will still wonder if it’s all just a façade and if you really have changed.
They will wonder if you are still needy and desperate.
And when they meet you, their bullshit radar will be turned on the highest settings. They will judge everything you say or do. They might even say things just to text your reaction.
To make sure you don’t screw it up, here are a few pointers.
Do Your Home Work and Be Prepared for The Worst
When you meet your ex, you should truly be prepared to lose them. If you still have neediness and desperation inside you, your ex will sniff it from a mile away.
So, if you think you are still needy, then cancel or postpone the meeting.
Here’s a test to check if you are ready to meet them. Only take this test after you’ve finished no contact and are planning on meeting your ex.
You need to click on it to expand it because I don’t want you to take this test if you are just starting out with this plan. When you have finished no contact, come back to this page and take this test.
Test If You Are Ready To Meet Your Ex
Imagine you are sitting with them in a coffee shop. Your ex looks happy and you are having a conversation. Suddenly, they tell you this,
“You know I wanted to tell you that I started dating someone a few weeks back. I think he/she is an amazing person. We have amazing sex, and an amazing connection. I think he/she may be the one.”
How does that make you feel?
It’s normal to feel a bit disappointed and even sad.
But the level of disappointment you feel when you think this matters. Do you suddenly feel a knot in your stomach? Does it feel like your entire world came crumbling down? Does your face suddenly go from smiling to that of a depressed person who didn’t sleep for days?
If the thought of your ex with someone else makes you feel extremely bad, then you are not ready to meet them yet.
But if you only feel moderately sad and disappointed, then you are ready to meet your ex.
Be on The Lookout For Tests
In an ideal world, we would all just be honest with each other, trust each other and say what’s on our mind.
But the world is not ideal. And people put each other through subtle tests to understand their intentions and the truth.
There’s a good chance your ex will say or do things to see if you are still needy or desperate. They will try to see if what you truly have changed or everything you have been saying and doing just a charade to get them back.
They might bring up something from the past and/or they may say something that they know will push your buttons.
For example, suppose you had an issue with jealousy and being controlling. They might casually bring up the fact that they went on a date just to see how you react.
If you are still controlling, you will react and even if you don’t say anything, your face might give you away.
It’s important that you stay calm no matter what happens. If you become angry or desperate, it will make them think that you have not changed at all and they will probably start ignoring you again after the breakup.
Note that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, stand up for it. Remember, boundaries are important. Your own well-being and happiness is more importnt than getting your ex back. If it’s a serious issue about the relationship or the breakup, discuss it. But do so without getting angry or needy.
It will help immensely if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. I talk about them in this article on what to do after no contact.
Case Study: Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.
Mindy did no contact for only 2 weeks before she gave in and texted her ex. Her ex-boyfriend was very receptive, and they started talking regularly.
After about 2 more weeks, they decided to meet. It was a surprise for her because her ex told her right after breakup that he will reply to her texts but he doesn’t want to meet her.
She built up her hopes and started getting ready for the meetup. She got her hair done, got a makeup artist to do her makeup and put on her best dress for the meetup.
When they met, they hit it off almost instantly. She felt the sparks flying as they were laughing and talking just like they used to before the breakup.
When suddenly her ex boyfriend said,
“I am happy that we are spending time together. I just want to make it clear that we are no longer a couple. We might get back together in the future, but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.”
The last line hit her like a nail in the back of your head.
Even though she didn’t say anything, her face showed how much that sentence affected her.
“You shouldn’t keep your hopes up”
The truth was, she had her hopes up. So much that when he said that, her face came on the verge of crying. And even though she managed to keep her tears from falling, her ex knew what was going on inside her. He knew her for 4 years. He has seen that expression plenty of times before.
The issue with Mindy’s situation was the relationship dynamics. Even though she acted like she is confident and happy, her ex knew that she still wanted him back and he can have her anytime he wants.
Her expression after he said that confirmed his belief.
This test was an excellent opportunity for Mindy to turn things around. Had she reacted in the right way, her entire post breakup relationship dynamics would have changed and she could have gotten her ex to start chasing her.
But she didn’t, and she failed the test.
Although, it wasn’t the worst thing to happen to her. After the meetup, she focused on moving on and fully accepted the breakup. It took her a while but she got completely over her ex within three months.
Don’t talk about Getting Back Together Yet
Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So for your first date, just focus on having a good time with them. If the topic of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.
If they ask your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back is the right decision. That you both should take things slow.
Don’t jump at the first chance of getting your ex back. Be skeptical about getting back together.
They broke your heart once, what will stop them from doing it again?
Have they changed and become a better person as well?
If you both get back together, will the same issues arise again?
Recommended Reading: How To Talk About Getting Back Together With Your Ex
Have an Equal Relationship
You don’t want your ex to start thinking that you are chasing them. This is why you must have an equal relationship with them.
You want them to contact you as much as you contact them. You want them to try to meet up as much as you are trying to meet up.
This goes in line with being skeptical as I mentioned previously. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.
If your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is not really interested in making a relationship with you work, you are better off without him/her. You have tried your best and showed them the best version of you.
If they still think you are not worth their time, you must start thinking about moving on.
Have Boundaries and Stay out of the friend-zone
One of the concerns most people have at this stage is if their ex will put them in the friendzone. To avoid that, you just need to setup a few boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.
You are their friend, but you are also an ex lover.
You should be casual, but you also need a sexual chemistry.
You should be respectful, but you should also flirt.
In most cases, your ex will be very attracted to you if you’ve followed everything in this article. But if you still feel they are trying to put you in the friend-zone, follow the three principles.
- Build up sexual chemistry but don’t sleep with them.
- Don’t let them talk about other love interest. If they want your advice on their dating life (something that most people do with their friends) tell them that you are their friend but you don’t want to know or speak about who they are dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
- Be ready to walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. Don’t act needy or desperate, just cut contact. There is a very good chance they will respect you more for it and apologize later if you stick to your words.
When and How To Talk About Getting Back Together?
You and your ex should ideally both be interested in the idea of getting back together before you talk about it. As you both spend more time together, their will be times where you both will naturally speak about it. When you do, try to be honest, clear and confident. Don’t be needy or insecure about it. Remember, you only want them back if you both can have a healthy long term relationship. If that’s not possible, then you should be willing to walk away from them.
Recommended Reading: How You and Your Ex Can Get Back Together Using Honesty, Respect and Communication
Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics
This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.
The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.
I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.
But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.
Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!
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*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.
What Are The Chances of Getting An Ex Back?
According to our study, around 30% of couples reunite after breaking up. But only 15% of the total participants stayed together after reconciliation.
But there are a lot of factors that go into this. Things like age of the couple, how strong their connection was, reason for the breakup, how they react after the breakup and whether or not they can fix what was broken.
We’ve designed a quiz to help you figure out your chances of getting back together. Click here to take it.
Recommended Reading: Do Couples Get Back Together? – A Detailed Study
What Is The Fastest Way To Get Your Ex Back?
The fastest way to get your ex back is to give them space, focus on self-improvement and reach out to them with confidence. In other words, follow the advice in the above article. The faster you heal from the breakup, stop panicking and become a better version of yourself, the faster you can get them back.
I have seen clients get back with their ex within weeks. But most of the time, it takes 1-6 months. For a rare few, it took more than a year to get back in a healthy relationship.
And again, the thing you should focus on shouldn’t be how fast you can get them back. Instead, you should focus on getting them back in a healthy relationship. It’s not the speed that matters here, it’s the quality of the relationship when you get back together.
The reason most people want their ex back fast is because they are afraid of losing them. They are afraid their ex will move on if they don’t act fast. And that’s not really something you can control. In fact, most people, in an attempt to win their ex back fast, end up pushing their ex further away.
Is there a way to ensure my ex doesn’t move on?
Unfortunately, there’s no way to stop your ex from moving on or getting over you. You can’t control what another human being wants to do.
The only thing you can do is give them space and focus on things you can control. Following the above plan increases your chances of getting them back. And it works even if your ex moves on.
My best advice is to not be so scared of your ex moving on or getting over you. I have seen a lot of couples move on to other relationships only to find themselves back with each other after a few months or a few years. If your connection is truly special and if you follow the above plan, you will most likely get back together.
If I Give My Ex Space, Will They Come Back?
A lot of exes do tend to come back when you give them space. But there is no guarantee. Moreover, just because they come back does not necessarily mean the rekindled relationship will be a healthy one. If they left once, they may leave again unless you fix the issues that lead to the breakup.
Instead of hoping they will come back, I want you to realize that you can do things to either get them back or move on from them. You can take control of what happens in your life rather than just hope and wait for your ex to come back to you. Following the advice in the above article will help you do exactly that.
Recommended Reading: 9 Signs Your Ex Will Come Back
Recommended Reading: Will He Come Back? Why Do Ex Boyfriends Come Back?
Does The No Contact Rule Help In Getting An Ex Back?
The no contact rule helps in the process, but it can’t fix the issues that lead to the breakup. Only you can do that. In our study, we found that people who got back together and stay together credited “Self-Improvement” as the main reason for their success. The No Contact Rule was a close second.
Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule Explained
Recommended Reading: What To Do After The No Contact Rule
It’s Been a While Since The Breakup. I Still Love My Ex After Months/Years. What Should I Do?
If it’s been a while since the breakup, and you still have strong feelings for your ex, it could be because of the following reasons.
- You have not made an attempt to heal from the breakup.
- You have not processed what happened in a healthy way.
- You have low self-esteem and you find it hard to rediscover your identity after the breakup.
- The connection you had with your ex was truly special to you. Your ex was truly special for you. And it’s hard to find that connection again.
Regardless of the reason, you should try your best to heal form the breakup and move on from them. If you feel your connection was special, it may even be a good idea to reach out to them and test the waters. The following resources should help.
Recommended Reading: I Still Love My Ex – What To Do And How To Cope
Recommended Reading: How To Get Your Ex Back After a Year or More
I Think My Ex Still Loves Me. What Should I Do To Get Back Together?
If you are pretty sure that your ex has strong feelings for you, then you should still give each other some time apart to think things through. Follow the above plan but keep the no contact period relatively short. Maybe about three weeks. You can also choose to stay in touch with your ex as long as you are both working on self-improvement and self-growth.
Ultimately, you both need to grow individually before you can get back together.
Recommended Reading: How You and Your Ex Can Get Back Together Using Respect, Honesty and Communication?
Is There a Way To Support Me Through This Process?
Yes, we offer a free email course that will help you through each stage of this 5 step process. Our readers say that the email series feels like a lifeline to them after a tough breakup. It helps you heal, reminds you to focus on the right things and gives you some (more) advanced tips to get your ex back.
To subscribe, you need to take a quiz. Click the button below to take the quiz.
Consider Getting Therapy, Joining a Support Group Or Breakup Coaching
In addition, a great way to support you through this journey is by getting help from a mental health professional. Particularly, someone who is an expert in breakups. A good therapist can help a lot in processing what happened and finding a way to move forward. An experienced breakup coach can also help with the breakup and figuring out the best way to get your ex back in a healthy relationship.
If the idea of therapy does not sound good to you, you can also look into joining a breakup support group in your area. Speaking to others going through the same thing can be very helpful.
Pietromonaco, P. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (1994). Gender and working models of attachment: Consequences for perceptions of self and romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00055.x
Park, J., Wood, J., Bondi, C., Del Arco, A., and Moghaddam, B. (2016). Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci 36, 3322–3335. https://www.jneurosci.org/content/36/11/3322
Veronika Lukacs & Anabel Quan-Haase (2015) Romantic breakups on Facebook: new scales for studying post-breakup behaviors, digital distress, and surveillance, Information, Communication & Society, 18:5, 492-508, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1369118X.2015.1008540
Cope MA, Mattingly BA. Putting me back together by getting back together: Post-dissolution self-concept confusion predicts rekindling desire among anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):384-392. doi:10.1177/0265407520962849
Kupeli, N., Schmidt, U. H., Campbell, I. C., Chilcot, J., Roberts, C. J., & Troop, N. A. (2018). The impact of an emotionally expressive writing intervention on eating pathology in female students. Health psychology and behavioral medicine, 6(1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2018.1491797
Larson GM, Sbarra DA. Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):399-406. doi:10.1177/1948550614563085