Winning your ex back isn’t the hard part – the hard part is keeping them.
When my ex broke up with me and I wanted her back, I followed the common advice and gave her space. Didn’t reach out or text. And in a few months, we got back together. I thought I was a relationship genius for getting her back so effortlessly.
You know what happened then? We fought, broke up, got back together again, tried hard to make it work and then broke up again years later.
Our relationship had its moments. But it was a toxic relationship. And I was no relationship genius.
It’s one of the main reasons that when I teach someone to get their ex back, I focus on these three important pillars –
- Giving Your Ex Space and Time
- Positive Personal Transformation
- Honest Communication
Based on your situation, you may need a varied amount of each ingredient. But to get your ex back in a healthy relationship, all of the three pillars are important.
Ignore even one of them and your chances decrease drastically.
Why?
In my example, I gave my ex space, but never really worked on the deep rooted insecurities, shame, and limiting beliefs that were causing me to seek validation from my ex.
Had I faced my issues head on, I would have either realized that relationship wasn’t right for me, or it would have motivated my ex to work on her issues and we would still be together.
But take another example from one of my clients, Sarah. She did all those things I didn’t. She faced her insecurities head on. Went to therapy. Addressed the emotional baggage she was carrying from her childhood.
But she kept waiting for her ex to reach out so she could show him those changes. Her ex didn’t. And eventually she gave up and moved on. Her and her ex never really communicated after her transformation. And thus, never got back together.
I know, her moving on may have been the healthier decision for her. But in terms of getting your ex back, it can’t happen unless there is honest communication after personal transformation (not to be confused with manipulation and gimmicks).
Paul, another reader, followed the first two pillars, but screwed up with honest communication. He tried to make his ex jealous, played silly mind games (such as waiting 2 hours before replying to her), and tried too hard to manipulate her feelings. These gimmicks worked for a few days but ultimately backfired. His ex lost respect for him, saw him as immature, and eventually cut him off.
Had he been honest, his ex would have respected him more and considered giving it one more chance.
Real-life breakup stories have shaped me into the coach I am today. While my personal journey taught me the value of positive transformation, client stories like Sarah’s and Paul’s showed me the critical role of honest communication in rebuilding relationships.
So learn from my experience. And don’t ignore any of the three important pillars of getting your ex back.
Space and Time.
Personal Transformation.
Honest Communication.
Does it always work?
Of course not. Most people don’t get back together. Some situations are downright impossible. But my advice is for those who want to try in the healthiest way possible.
For those that it works for, it’s worth putting in the effort.
Some of my clients and readers reconciled with their exes, got married, started families, and have stayed together for over a decade. (You can read their stories in the comment section below)
Yes, I’ve heard the advice, “an ex is an ex for a reason” and that “people don’t change”. And it makes sense in a lot of cases.
Except, when it doesn’t.
Because some connections are worth fighting for. And I have personally seen hundreds of people change for the better.
I believe in fighting for love with clarity and confidence, while staying grounded in reality. That’s what this article will teach you. And if you feel your love for your ex is worth fighting for, then continue reading below.
You deserve a healthy relationship – With Your Ex, or Without Them.
Find out if you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back by taking this quiz.
STEP 1 – Stop Pushing Your Ex Away aka The Deadly Mistakes
Most relevant reading for – if the breakup is fresh, if this is your first breakup, if you feel like chasing your ex, try to convince them to come back, if your ex has been acting cold, if you can’t stop crying, if you feel like you’ve made a fool of yourself, or if you were the one who always fought for the relationship.
Not Relevant For You? – Skip To The Next Step
I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their panicked mind and misinterpreting it as their instinct. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.
Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time – It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your panicked mind tells you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back. But what actually happens is something like this.
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.
That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. They expect something like this,
But in reality, it goes something like this.
Every time an interaction goes like above, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
You should be careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back? Won’t they forget about me?
If your relationship was meaningful, they are not going to forget about you anytime soon. They will still have feelings for you for a while (in some cases, even for years). And you can contact them when you are doing it from a position of confidence and strength as I will explain in Step 4 of this article.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity – If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for the breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Your panicked mind will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back. Your thought pattern becomes something like
If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.
When you are begging, or being needy, you are essentially saying to them, “You are so much better than me. Please be with me.”
Even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to think they are out of your league and are doing you a favor? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?
Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You – Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.
You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.
Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection – Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. You decide to make grand gestures, buy them gifts and try to remind them of all the good times you had together. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel.
If you truly love them, and they need space, you would give it to them. Otherwise, your repeated confessions of love become meaningless – or worse annoying.
Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating – The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. Your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)
What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?
Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.
You can also find out if you still have a chance with your ex by taking our quiz which tells you your chances of getting your ex back based on your demographics, the reason of the breakup, what happened after the breakup, and your mindset.
Never making it clear that you want them back is also a mistake
The above mistakes stem from anxiety. However, some people, fearing rejection, shut down completely after a breakup and avoid their ex. They hope their ex will reach out, apologize, and ask them back.
While not as damaging as other mistakes, this can lead your ex to think you don’t want them back or don’t love them. This is also the case if you initiated the breakup, regret it now, but haven’t communicated your feelings.
If you haven’t shared your feelings yet, consider telling them honestly after a week apart. During that week, reflect on whether the relationship was healthy and if the issues are fixable. If they are, express your desire to try again confidently and with an apology if needed.
Say something like,
“Just to be clear, I don’t want this breakup. I think we can talk it out and sort out our issues. I feel our relationship is worth fighting for. But if you still want to go through with it, I will respect your decision.”
If they still don’t want you back, then continue with the rest of the plan.
Additional Perspective on Pushing an Ex Away
1. Overthinking, Anxiety, and Obsession causes these mistakes – Overthinking and obsessing over what your ex is doing, what they are feeling, whether or not they will come back, and the “what ifs” are only going to make you act more needy and make a fool of yourself. Studies have shown anxiety disrupts decision making. While you shouldn’t suppress your thoughts about your ex, you shouldn’t overindulge in them either.
2. Your ex wants to stay consistent to the decision – There is a psychological process that makes us want to stick to any major decisions we make and even change our attitude and beliefs to match that decision. It’s because of something called the cognitive dissonance theory. In short it means, your ex isn’t trying to find a reason to get back together, they are trying to find a reason to justify their decision. Don’t give them more reasons to justify their decision.
3. Quick Tips To Avoid Making These Mistakes – Change your ex’s name to “Don’t push him/her away” on your phone. Remind yourself that your ex won’t move on so soon. Set reminders on your phone to take deep breaths and stay hydrated. Surround yourself with loved ones who will stop you from acting desperate.
Step 2 – No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space aka Give Your ex a Breakup
Most Relevant Reading For – If you feel your ex is your soul-mate, if you feel like you will never find someone like your ex, if you have the urge to check up on them, stalk them or know exactly what they are doing or feeling, if you are scared your ex will move on from you, if you feel you need to act quickly to stop them from moving on.
Already Know About This? – Skip To The Next Step
If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called the no contact rule. It’s simple and very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes
- No phone calls or texts unless absolutely necessary.
- No emails or DMs on any social media apps
- No interacting through mutual friends or family
- No “accidentally” running into them at places they are going to visit.
- Minimizing interactions or muting any group chats that both you and your ex may be a part of.
- No snapchat streaks, likes on their stories or other indirect form of communication
- Any important communication (such as regarding a shared child or shared responsibilities) can be done with an ex while keeping it strictly on the topic.
- If you live together, you either move out, get them to move out, or create your own separate space in the house.
Why are we doing this?
For three reasons
1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Something called the fading effect bias makes us forget the negative feelings and remember the positive feelings about our past. In addition, they will get curious, they will have to face uncertainty, they will have to learn what it’s like not to have you as a backup, that they can also lose you forever and finally realize what they stand to lose if they lose you.
2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make positive changes in your life. Accept yourself more, love yourself more, and be proud of yourself more. In addition, you should address the issues that caused the breakup. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life, accepting yourself and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)
How long is the no contact period?
Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.
Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?
Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?
Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.
Should I answer my ex’s text or call during no contact?
In most cases, No. Not unless you have healed enough to try to get them back from a position of confidence. If you are still desperate to win them back, they will sense it and feel content knowing they still have you as a backup. (Also known as breadcrumbing.)
What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and gets married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?
Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more, diminish negative memories and remember the good things about you.
You don’t have to take a leap of faith over here. There is science (the fading affect bias and nostalgia) and countless experiences to back this (see updates from Amy, Beth, and John for example).
Besides, The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to your ex blocking you or a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.
Can’t I make the no contact time shorter? Like a week or a few days?
So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person. Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)
Short no contact only works in cases where you have not made it clear that you want them back AND the relationship wasn’t toxic or abusive. If you don’t fall in that category, then you should ideally do no contact for at least a month.
Additional Perspective on No Contact
1. Different Views on The Internet – Some people recommend that no contact should always be indefinite or permanent. Not for a limited number of days. That’s actually good advice if you are ready to move on. But if you want to try to win your ex back one last time before moving on, then it makes sense to do it for a limited number of days and reach out to an ex when you are ready (see comment update from David). Besides, if you realize your ex is not worth it, you can just choose to continue no contact indefinitely (see comment update from Griselda).
2. Some exes try to worm their way in when you start no contact – That’s just the nature of relationships. When you pull away, they will feel a vacuum and may want to push. But it’s not always the best decision to engage with them. They may start pulling away when they realize you still love them or are still needy. They may just want to see if you are still available as a backup. Make your self-respect and self-care a priority when interacting with an ex during no contact. And if need be, set clear boundaries or ignore them.
3. Constant reminders that your ex will come back are not true – The internet is full of people claiming your ex will come back if you just wait for them. Don’t wait for an ex. It happens, but not always. Sometimes it happens only after you’ve moved on. See our study and the updated stories of other commenters for a realistic view of what actually happens.
STEP 3 – Self-Care, Self-Love and Growth aka What to do in No Contact aka Level The Playing Field
Most Relevant Reading For – If you feel you will never be happy without your ex, if you don’t know who you are without your ex, if you can’t imagine a future without your ex, if you can’t think of any negative thing about your ex or previous relationship, if you are putting your ex on a pedestal, if you feel lost, confused or hopeless.
Not Relevant? – Skip to the next step
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period.
A 2020 study found that most people who want an ex back do so because they feel incomplete without their ex (something my community has been saying for a decade). That’s probably part of the reason you put your ex on a pedestal. Part of the reason your ex thinks they are so much better than you.
So when you learn to be whole again without your ex (or regain your identity), you stop putting your ex on a pedestal. And your ex stops thinking they are better than you. As a result, you level the playing field.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and learn to live your life without your ex.
Positive Changes In Your Appearance
Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.
- Get a haircut. A simple thing to do. But it gives you a fresh look and makes you feel better.
- Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
- Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
- Get new clothes. Again, a simple thing. But makes you feel new. Kind of a symbolic gesture to you finding yourself again.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).
Positive Changes in your Mentality
1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. Know that you are not going to feel better in a day. It will take time. Maybe a month. Maybe even more. But it will happen. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.
2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it helps regain composure during stressful times.
3. Spend time with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them. If need be, speak to them about your feelings and talk about any doubts you have. A good support system is essential in helping you go through a breakup.
4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself. As you do this, you will learn to love yourself and not settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate who you are.
5. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, hydrate and exercise – It not only helps you look better, it also helps you feel better. The healthier your lifestyle, the healthier your thoughts about yourself. Teach yourself that you deserve healthy food, a healthy body and healthy relationships.
6. Go out on a date. It gives you some great perspective to go out and meet new people who are interested in being with you. But don’t force yourself to do it unless it feels right. Take your time to grieve and learn to love yourself first.
Analyzing Your Relationship
You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like
I love him/her.
I can’t live without him/her.
I am miserable without my ex.
He/She was the only one for me.
I can’t imagine a life without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing your ex. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.
If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind.
Be logical.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyze the pros and cons of your ex.
Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the best way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better.
When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.
Learning From The Past and Growth
While we are at it, it’s also important to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself what you did that pushed your ex away. While relationships end for a variety of reasons, one common theme I have found amongst my readers is insecurity, unhealthy communication, and low self-esteem.
1. Insecurity – Essentially means not feeling secure in a relationship, not because of the relationship itself, but because of your own emotional baggage (such as childhood, past relationships etc.). Insecurity is aptly described by the attachment theory. So it’s worth it to look into the different attachment styles and how it may have affected your relationships.
If you feel it caused the breakup, then you should discuss it with your ex whenever you both start talking about getting back together.
2. Unhealthy Communication – We aren’t taught in school how to have healthy communication in relationships. We aren’t taught to express our needs, set boundaries, request instead of demand, and actually listen to our partner when they share something important.
This is why a lot couples have communication issues despite loving each other. Learning about it can be a life changer for most people. It helps not only in getting them back but in all facets of your life. My most recommended book for learning communication is Non-Violent Communications by Marshal B. Rosenberg.
3. Low Self-Esteem – In relationships, low self-esteem means feeling unworthy of love. So when your partner truly cares about you and loves you, it can create inner conflict. Depending on your attachment style, this might manifest differently:
- Anxious Attachment: You may create unnecessary arguments or conflicts due to fear of abandonment.
- Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment: You might shut down emotionally, feel trapped, or decide to break up to avoid intimacy.
To improve self-esteem, I highly recommend “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” by Nathaniel Branden.
Additional Advice on Self-Care, Self-Love and Growth
1. Deeper wounds and emotional baggage – While in this stage, if things are too overwhelming or if you come across something from the past that is extremely hurtful, then you should get help. You don’t need to do this alone by yourself. There are professionals and services to help you heal. Consider going to a therapist, a counselor or a breakup coach.
2. No Contact Works in Different Ways – Some of our readers exes come back on their own during no contact (see comment update from Amy), some heal, get into the right mindset, and then reach out to their ex to get them back (see comment update from Ana), some decide that letting their ex go is the right decision from them (see comment update from Rob), while some realize their ex was toxic and are glad the relationship is over (see comment update from Kaye).
3. You are not necessarily broken and you don’t need to change who you are – It’s tempting to think that you are broken, or that you are a bad romantic partner, or unattractive. Especially with the avalanche of self-improvement advice online. It’s not true in most cases. People sometimes make mistakes and don’t know how to communicate well. While it’s important to be honest with yourself about your mistakes, it’s also important to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion. Remember, your ex is equally, if not more, responsible for the things that led to the breakup.
The Various Advice on How To Get an Ex Back
At this point, there are a few different advice out there that may feel confusing.
To give you an overview of every ex back advice out there, here are the different approaches to getting an ex back
1. Walk Away, Don’t Look Back and Let Your Ex Come To You
This approach is the equivalent to moving on from the breakup. You let your ex go and apply the no contact rule.
You try your best to act with self-respect during the breakup. And when they are gone, you focus solely on healing from the breakup, self-care, self-improvement and accepting that it’s never gonna happen.
If they come back, you assess (based on how your ex acts) whether the relationship is worth trying again. You remain cautious because you don’t want to repeat the same patterns again.
Why it works – By walking away and focusing on moving on, you show your ex that you respect yourself. They may eventually miss you and want you back. This is the most popular advice on internet forums as it’s facing the breakup grief head on and trying to accept it.
Do exes always come back if you give them space? – No. Of course not. But a lot of exes do eventually reach out one way or another. And them reaching out doesn’t always lead to getting back together.
When It Works Best: If you initiated the breakup (but now regret it), were blindsided, or your ex was manipulative, avoidant, or disrespectful. Short term relationships (<6 months). If you feel the breakup was mainly your ex’s fault.
Pros: It helps you heal and protects you from further hurt. It’s simple and straightforward: cut off contact and focus on your own growth.
Cons: Your ex may never reach out because of their own issues or limitations. You might still focus on whether your ex will return preventing you from getting closure. You can repeat the same patterns if they come back and you are not aware of the issues.
2. Let The Breakup Happen, Give Space and Then Reconnect
This approach means stop chasing your ex and let the breakup officially happen. Let your ex experience the breakup. And use that time to heal, accept the breakup and grow as a person. Gain some insights and perspective on what caused the breakup.
And if it’s fixable and you have taken enough time to heal, then restart communication with your ex to see if they are also on the same page. This is the main difference between this approach and the first approach. Instead of waiting for your ex come back to you, you can choose to reach out and give them an olive branch.
In other words, it’s doing everything in your power to fight for the love and the relationship. But do it from a place of confidence, patience, understanding and honesty. Not out of desperation, manipulation or neediness. If your connection was real and the problems were fixable, then this method works really well.
Why it works – The rest of the article goes into details of why it works but the gist of it is you give your ex enough time and space to miss you and remember the good things about you so they consider getting back together. And you fix the core issues that led to the breakup by learning more about relationships, communications, boundaries and attachment, so the new relationship is healthier and better.
If followed with honesty and clarity, it’s your best bet to avoid misunderstandings during the process of getting your ex back. This is my advice to most people who genuinely believe that their relationship is worth salvaging. It’s also the advice of most healthcare professionals I have come across including the one who reviewed this article.
When It Works Best: If your ex ended the relationship, if it was a strong connection, and if the breakup was caused by issues like communication, life circumstances, or insecurity. Long term relationships (>6 months). If you feel the breakup was mainly your fault.
Pros: It allows both partners to reflect and heal before communicating, giving you closure if it doesn’t work out. If it does, you’ve laid the foundation for a stronger relationship.
Cons: It’s not a straightforward approach. There’s no set timeline for how long to give space, which can be confusing. It can also prolong the healing process if things remain uncertain.
Special Note On Manipulation – Don’t try to manipulate your ex into coming back by trying to be someone you are not. Both these approaches can be modified into being manipulative. For example, you may feel like posting stuff on social media to show your ex you’ve moved on or make them jealous. Or act like you don’t care when you both start communicating. Don’t do anything manipulative to get your ex back. It usually backfires and your ex ends up moving on.
Whatever you do to try to get your ex back, you need to be honest and true to yourself because that’s the only way to build strong foundations of your new relationship with your ex.
If you are still with me, you don’t really need to choose an approach right now. Especially if the breakup is fresh. But it’s important that you don’t do anything to push your ex further away by making desperate mistakes that most people make when going through a tough breakup.
However, if you would like to just understand whether or not you still have a chance to get your ex back, I recommend taking my quiz which is based on the analysis of thousands of different breakup situations we have encountered. It tells you your chances, takes about 3-4 minutes to do and gives you the best approach to follow for your situation. Take it here.
STEP 4 – Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction
Most Relevant Reading For – If you want to reconnect with your ex at some point in the future, if you feel your ex doesn’t feel attracted to you, if you want to learn how to communicate with your ex and how to set boundaries when needed
Want to read this later? – Skip To The Next Step
Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.
And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.
For that to happen, you need two things.
- You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
- You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.
If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.
Contacting Your Ex
Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.
- You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule)
- You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
- You have made a few positive changes in your life.
- You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
- You have gone on a date during no contact. (Optional)
- You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
- You have educated yourself on toxic traits of relationships, narcissistic cycles and unhealthy communication patterns.
- You have educated yourself on attachment styles and love languages.
- You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.
When you are ready, there are actually three scenarios that apply.
- Your ex reaches out to you first.
- You are ready to reach out to your ex.
- You are ready but you want to wait for your ex to reach out.
Let’s discuss the scenarios in brief.
Situation 1 – Your ex reaches out to you first
Like I said before, your ex may want to worm their way in while you are doing no contact and trying to live your best life. They may just send a casual, “Hey, just checking up on you” text. Or they may just call you with an excuse such as, “I just saw your Instagram reel, are you on a holiday?”
Whatever it is, your aim shouldn’t be to get attached to them unless you are ready to start the process of getting them back. See the checklist above again.
If your ex still holds a lot of power over you, and you still put them on a pedestal, they will suck you back in and keep you around while they do whatever they want. (See comment update from Kaitlyn who was in this waiting game for two years)
If you feel that’s the case, then tell them you need some more space and start another round of no contact.
But if it feels like they are genuinely interested in you and care about you, then speak to them, let things flow naturally and just put forward the best version of yourself. (See news story of one of our readers Nat, who kind of got famous for getting her ex back).
In other words, be cool. BE YOURSELF. BUT BE COOL. Don’t be overwhelming, don’t be needy, don’t jump at the first sign of interest they show. And don’t declare your undying love for them unless they show a definite interest in working things out.
Situation 2 – You are ready to reach out to your ex
If you are ready to reach out to your ex, then I recommend doing it from a place of confidence, honesty and tact. I have had the privilege of working with thousands of heartbroken souls over the course of 14 years as a breakup coach. And the best results, by far, come from a message that I call the Elephant in the Room text.
It includes –
- A genuine apology if you did something wrong or were disrespectful of their space.
- A brief insight into your behavior that led to the breakup.
- A genuine expression of what you miss about them. (Such as speaking to them about the latest movies or sharing your day with them.)
- An invitation to talk. (Not about anything particular. And without any conditions or expectations).
You can get 5 such sample texts by downloading this bonus and subscribing to our emails.
Other methods of reaching out to your ex include, a simple text asking how they are, a reminder text (of good memories), asking for advice or a call with an invitation to talk about the relationship. (I explore the pros and cons of these in this article and this article on texting your ex)
Situation 3 – You decide to continue no contact and wait for your ex
My recommendation is to not wait for an ex, but rather be proactive and reach out to your ex when you are ready.
However, some people want to give their ex a lot of space and just prefer letting them come back on their own.
If that makes sense to you, my advice is to not wait for your ex. Instead move on. If they ever reach out, only then think about whether or not you should take them back. But until then, focus on living your best life with no expectations of getting back together.
This is also the advice of one of our community members, lizgrim, whose ex came back after about 4-5 months of her waiting for him. They even got married and have a healthy relationship. But she still felt regret for giving him so much emotional power over her during their time apart.
This is what she said in her forum post.
“And definitely don’t sit at home crying waiting on them to come back. Don’t put your life on hold. Go out and explore. Do stuff. Kiss whoever you want. F**k whoever you want. That’s my regret. That I stayed home and waited for him. That I spent an entire summer letting him affect me. That I wasted months of my life I will never get back. The only reason he came back was because I moved out. Because I moved on. Because I wasn’t staying at home for him anymore. He was terrified of losing me and I made sure he knew he wasn’t going to have me anymore with someone else in his life. I know this won’t work for everyone. I know every relationship is different but I truly think no matter what, you need to focus on yourself. Get a haircut. Work out. Enjoy your life without them.“
Moving forward to a meetup after establishing contact
As you both start talking, speak to them how you would speak to a friend who you are interested in dating. Be friendly, be honest, have fun, flirt if appropriate, but respect their boundaries and need for space.
If you want to move things forward, eventually you will have to ask them out. If the topic of meeting up doesn’t come up in the next 3 conversations, then I recommend you ask them out.
The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. Speak on the phone for five minutes and then propose something like, “It will be great to catch up with you over coffee. How about tomorrow after work?”
If they agree, great. If not, don’t push them. Just say something like, “Alright. I think it would have been fun. Let me know if you change your mind.”
A rejection to meetup from your ex is usually not a good sign. It means they need more space or are still skeptical about a lot of things. You’ve already expressed your interest to reconnect. So give them more space and continue doing what you have been doing so far. Living your best life.
What To Do On the Date
Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). If the topic of the past relationship comes up, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Don’t be afraid to share what you’ve learned about yourself during the time apart. In fact, I encourage it. But keep your focus on having a good time.
Again, the advice on the date is to be cool. BE YOURSELF. BUT BE COOL. Don’t be overwhelming, don’t be needy and let things progress organically.
Making it official
Before you officially get back together, make sure your ex is committed to making a relationship work with you. Essentially, they also need to take responsibility for what went wrong, show honesty, make an effort to communicate better, be mature, and try to be a better partner.
Remember, you’ve become a better, more secure, more mature person during your time apart. If they want you back, they need to match you.
If it feels like they are not committed, or if they have not grown at all during your time apart, then give them more space and time. Alternatively, consider going for a trial period with them. A trial period means you both see if things have changed and whether getting back together is a good idea for both of you. If it isn’t, then you both move on knowing it was never meant to be.
How to let them go if it doesn’t work out?
The decision to let an ex go may seem impossible right now, but if you have reached this point in the journey, it gets easier.
One reason for that is because you’ve tried your best to make it work. You’ve given the due effort and paid respect to the love you have for your ex. As a result, your mind feels at ease knowing that it was never meant to be.
Another reason it’s easier to let go is because of the inner shift that happens during the process. As you are no longer dependent on your ex for your happiness, you start seeing the true nature of the relationship and your ex. While they may still be a good person, you sometimes realize they weren’t good for you.
As you let them go, fall back on your support system, continue doing the self-care activities that you did during no contact, give yourself some more time to fully accept that it’s over, and whenever you are emotionally ready, get back out there and start dating again.
Additional Perspective on Re-attraction
1. Be realistic and consistent about the changes you promise – Saying something like, “I will never be jealous again.” is unrealistic. Saying something like, “I have an anxious attachment style. But I will try to communicate my needs and feelings clearly” is realistic, and you can do that consistently. Expect the same about the changes your ex promises.
2. Moving On is the Ultimate Act Of Removing Your Ex From The Pedestal – In this context, moving on means opening your heart to someone else. While the thought may not appeal to you now, whenever you are ready, don’t let your ex stop you from getting into a serious relationship with someone else. A lot of times, that’s what it takes for you to realize your worth and for them to realize what they lost. (See comment updates from Laura, Poppy, and Kaitlyn)
Step 5 -The Grind aka Follow The Process With The Right Mindset
The whole process can be an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you will feel great. Sometimes, you will miss your ex terribly. You may be tempted to do something needy or manipulative while you are going through this.
This is why it’s important to have reminders to do this with the right mindset. I recommend three important mindsets while going through with this –
- Growth mindset – The mistakes you made don’t define you. As long as you are willing to learn from them and grow, you are becoming a better version of yourself.
- Abundance mindset – There is an abundance of love out there. Even if you don’t get your ex back, you are going to move on and find someone else.
- Commitment to self-care and self-love – While you are going through this, it’s easy to get lost thinking what would bring your ex back while ignoring yourself. Commit to your well-being above everything else.
But it gets hard to truly enforce these mindsets when going through a bad breakup. This is why I have created an email series with daily reminders to help you through this.
What do you get?
One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 150,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day. Stuff like,
- Using Pattern Breaking
- Exact chances of getting them back
- Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
- What to do if your ex is dating someone else
- How To Stop obsessing over them
- How to contact them when ready
- How to speak to them before getting back together
- Approaching this process with honesty and being true to yourself
- And a lot more.
To subscribe, you need to take a quiz that also tells you your exact chances of getting them back.
Here’s what one of our subscribers say about it. (More can be found here.)
“I related to your honest approach from the get go but I was too scared to implement it because the tik tok coaches explain that it makes you lose your power and look weak. Whereas it actually slows your healing process down, you become more obsessed and sucked into waiting game whilst hopefully watching no contact reels and tarrot readers.
Thank you for your emails and the work you do – I should have listened to you and what my body was telling me, rather than go through this rollercoaster of mind games and anxiety.”
Bianca
Click here to qualify and subscribe to the EBP Basics Email Course
Most Recommended Further Reading
The No Contact Rule Explained – How and Why it Works
Whether or Not, When and What To Text Your Ex After No Contact
A 3k+ participants study – Do people get back together? If yes, do they stay together?
Readers Update
We emailed our commenters from years ago and asked if they got back together and if they are still together. Like I said before, not everyone gets back together. But most of them, after following the plan, heal and move forward with their life. With their ex or without them. See the comment section below for real life updates.
Hi there!
My boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago and I have no idea why and neither does any of my (or his) friends or family. One of his mates said to me that he doesn't think that my ex knows why he did it and another said that he doesn't think my ex gave it much thought. There wasn't anything wrong in our relationship at all, and I really do mean that. The only thing was that he was nearly 6 years older than me but when we first started seeing each other this was a problem but we moved past his because his feelings overrode it and he realised that I'm much more mature than most people my age.
And then our relationship was beautiful, and we were the couple that everyone was jealous of. We both believed we had a future together and spoke quite frequently about this future (and most of the time it was him bringing it up!). We never really argued, had never fallen out and we made each other so happy and we had so much in common as well as having our own interests. Everyone I have spoken to says they don't understand and they're sure he will realise what he's lost, regret it and see sense. The only thing I can think of is that he's been having a very hard time in his job recently because he's at a place in his life where he needs to start a proper career and I know that this has been heavily bothering him for a while now, so perhaps he felt he needed space to sort everything out? I'm just devastated because it was such a shock and came from nowhere and I honestly thought we were a forever couple. When he broke up with me he said everything he adores about me and all the things I've got going for me, he said that his feelings towards me haven't changed at all and that it's just him and something has gone wrong in his head. He's said to his friends that he doesn't understand what went wrong and it was nothing to do with me - it was something in his head that wasn't quite right and he also said that despite breaking up with me, if any guy even tried to try it on with me it would crush him. I just don't understand. But I've been very dignified about it all, I haven't contacted him and I won't. The only thing is that last night it was his sisters birthday (who happens to be one of my close friends prior to mine and my ex's relationship) party and she wanted me to go and he thought I should go (he said so when we broke up). So I went, I arrived with my best mate (who's a male) and another good friend who my ex always though fancied the pants off me. My ex gave me a hug when I arrived and had a bit of banter with me and I went along with it but very cooly.
All his friends wanted to talk to me and dance with me and it was a really great night. I didn't ignore him at all but I didn't go out of my way to speak to him, it was always him speaking to me. I thought I caught him looking at me a few times but this could be my imagination.
At the end when I was leaving he waited inside so he could say goodbye and he gave me a really long hug and looked back at me as I was walking out. To me this all makes no sense because it seems like he still wants me yet he broke up with me. Did I do the right thing here? Do you think he was just confused and broke up with me without thinking and now he's regretting that? Do you think he will come back to me after some time and space? What's the best thing for me to do right now?
Please help me!
B
[Original Comment]
It could be he is regretting his decision or it could be he is just missing being with you. The best thing for you to do right now is give him space.
[10 Years Update] Gosh, you know I don’t even remember leaving this comment! So funny to read something I wrote so many years ago. I was 18 at the time!
So we actually got back together about 3 weeks after we broke up. He went on holiday with his family and I went on a work trip, and when I got back I decided to write him a letter. I didn’t want to do it via text, because that would seem like I required a reply. But at the same time there was SO much I felt I hadn’t said to him. So much that I felt but had never articulated because we had only been together for 8 months at the time! A letter seemed appropriate.
A few days after I sent the letter, we bumped into each other on a night out and he poured his heart out to me. He was crying on my shoulder in the street and said he had so many regrets. We agreed to meet, sober, in the week. And we did. We chatted through everything and essentially he had just had a life crisis but realised losing me was the worst thing and the whole thing just put everything into perspective for him.
Flash forward 10 years to 2024, we’ve been married for almost 4 years, and welcomed our first baby girl last summer! Together almost 11 years now and those 3 weeks seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I truly believe we both needed to go through that to have the life & relationship we have now.
I always held onto the quote “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end” and I live by that now. If something is meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other. If not, all it means is something better is around the corner. Plus if a man really wants you, he’ll let you know. I didn’t text or call him once whilst we were broken up. I just sent the letter saying what I needed to say (for me more than him) and never needed a reply. It was him who realised his errors and essentially declared his undying love for me (lol!). And these experiences always make you stronger. I’m grateful I went through this, more than I can say! And I know it worked out well for me in the end, but I’m sure other people have equally happy endings even if it didn’t result in them getting back together.
Hope that will provide some comfort for your readers!
Many thanks!
Thank you so much for the inspiring story and your words of wisdom. Yes, this will provide a lot of comfort to our readers. Much appreciated.
Hi Kevin,
First of all, thank God I googled for some advice lol and I found this site, and I was in "WOW", so many things makes so much sense. I have a three (almost four) year old son with my ex boyfriend, we used to live together, and because of trust issues we didn't work out. He was acting very immature, always wanted to be with his friends and never help me out with our son. Due to him being abusive, we separated and almost three years will be in September this year of not living together. We have had our sleep over moments, and still jealousy nonsense at times, where he will get bothered if I went out to a club or just out with friends; I am independent and live with my child, of course he has visitation rights but only have our son once or twice during the week, never a weekend. Recently, he has his new "girlfriend" around my son everytime my son is over... it bothers me, but I don't waste time arguing, so when I am calmed he comes at me with texts and calls unexpected with he still wants to hook up or he still loves me and will always love me, I am the best mother and woman he ever met and thanks God for me, etc. At other times, he acts different and cruel and will make me feel bad about my image and call me fat sometimes... Before my son was born, we were already in a relationship for almost 4 years; just thought you should know. Yesterday after he dropped off my son at daycare, we spent like almost 2 hours on the phone, talking about the whole situation, about almost everything that was bothering me about his girlfriend trying to make my son call her mommy and imature things like that, I never met her and don't plan to, since my ex himself said she is not his real girlfriend..I feel like my ex will never grow up at times..or he doesn't know what he wants, he is 29 this year, I just turned 27. He said he was sorry for the pain he caused me, and if he ever finds out that I've been with another man, he will not be able to get over that and not be able to be back with me.. *I am confused with those words, I don't know what to think about what he said.* Even though he is dating someone, do I still have a chance to get him back to me if I were able to forgive him? I don't know what to do? Should I do the 30 to 2 months no contact plan, and since we have a child, only pass the phone to our child and let him speak to his dad... PLEASE ADVICE ME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.
[Original Comment]
He is saying that just so he can have you as a backup. The thought of you moving on scares him and he is using this as a bait to keep you from moving on. Yes, do 2 months no contact. Then get back in touch with him. Have a few fun dates with him, and then give him an ultimatum. Either he commits to you or you move on. Be prepared and don't think of it as a bluff. He might try to call your bluff and say that he can't commit. If he does say that, move on and start dating other guys. When he realizes what he is losing, he will probably come crawling back to you.
Kevin, thanks for replying, I started the no contact yesterday, and since we have a child together, he calls everyday, but im just passing the phone to our three year old and let them speak and then hang up. Ive not texted or called him at all. Im going to do two months no crossing words with him, which the fact that our son's birthday is coming up in May im a little upset and dont want to sound bitter but know that his new girlfriend will be present at.my son's birthday party that his dad throws. (Every year i celebrate my son birthday on a saturday and my ex celebrates it the sunday, next day after.)
Sounds like a good plan. All the best.
[10 Years Update]
Good afternoon,
I am wowed how much time passed and remembered how heart broken I was so many years ago. Update wise ::: my son now is 14 years old and his father has had about like 8-10 different girlfriends to my knowledge, and I have moved on, currently in a healthy relationship so far. I lasted three years of not even dating after my son’s father to completely heal and focus on my peace of mind first.
Thank you,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for the update. I am happy to hear that you are in a healthy relationship and have moved on.
Do you remember what made you stop wanting him back? And what do you think helped you most to find peace? What would you advice someone going through a similar situation?
Good morning,
Thank you. I seen that throughout the years his behavior never changed or improved at all, he still tries to be controlling and uses my son at times but my son and I both learned to ignore him and we both gone to therapy. I learned that he will never change and I didn’t want him anymore, his possessive behavior and disrespect got overrated. Overwhelming still and he is still is abusive towards us verbally and emotionally drained my son and I to the max where my son is looking to be 18 years old already so he don’t have to keep staying every other weekend with him.
I believe what helped me made me find peace was my own son. Raising him mainly by myself and going through a lot of life challenges made me realize that my son was the most important and precious person I ever had and that he is at no fault at all for what his father put us through. My son is all that I need to have the motivation to keep going and his happiness means so much.
Not sure if my situation may be related to others going through the same, as I was in a physical and mental abusive relationship. Extreme domestic violence case. However, I would say my advice to the woman leaving her husband/significant other whatever… just leave, I know it’s always easier said than done but to trust the process of healing. Love yourself first. Get up everyday and LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, as life’s so short to wait on an idiot who doesn’t love nor respect you. Leave him, let him be. Don’t stalk his social media, do that for your own sake. Things will get better and always remain positive. Well I can keep going on, but I think I covered the most important part.
You’re welcome & thank you!
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your words are beautiful and will bring hope to many who are going through something similar.
Hi. So my (now ex) boyfriend and I were dating for about a year, and it was an absolutely amazing relationship. We were very happy and loved each other very much and even planning on moving in together soon. A few weeks ago, him, his friends and I planned a trip to an event where we got a hotel. His friends (who have become my friends as well of course) and I were going together the first day while he was to meet with us the next morning because he had work. We all got drunk, I blacked out for a lot of the night unfortunately, and me and my boyfriend got in a fight over the phone and I eventually went to bed in the pull out couch crying and very drunk, trying to sleep it off. We discussed earlier that I had the pull out couch while the three of them would sleep in the bedroom of the hotel room among the two beds. One of his friends decided to crawl into the bed with me as I was in that state and began to touch me and took advantage of me. I don’t remember too much of the details but I know we had sex. I was so disgusted with myself and so upset and scared of losing my boyfriend I begged the friend to not tell him and he agreed. So two weeks after that (a week ago from right now), we were all in town together again, and the friend got very drunk and told another friend, who gave us the ultimatum of telling my boyfriend before he did himself. I ended up telling him, but didn’t get a chance to explain any of the details of the whole story before he got so upset and heartbroken and stormed off. He blocked me on everything. One of our mutual friends passed on my message where I try to explain I was taken advantage of and i was so sorry for putting myself in the situation and all that and he just said he didn’t care to hear from me or him and what’s no part of us. He’s so hurt. It’s been a week now and he still has me blocked on everything but I’ve sent him a few emails he told a mutual friend he saw but still doesn’t want to talk to me. One of my friends also saw him on tinder. What do i do? Would the 30 day no contact rule (which in my case would be to stop emailing him I guess, since he has been reading them) apply to me still? Or should I do all I can to apologize to him and try to talk to him?
[Original Comment]
Give him some space to process and cool off. He may begin to see reason after some time has passed and he starts to think more rationally. You could apologize once more, before starting no contact. In the meantime, since his friends already know of the situation, you could ask them to help you out, since it wasn't entirely your fault.
Thank you so much! I talked to his friend that it happened with and he said he will try to contact my bf and tell him the truth of taking advantage of me (he’s blocked from him on everything too), once he does and if he’s still upset and doesn’t want to talk to me do i still do the 30 day NC? thanks again!
Since he's not talking to you, for the time being just apply no contact first. If he's still upset and doesn't want to talk to you, give him more time but I'm sure he'll eventually come around.
[6 Years Update] Hi Kevin,
What a wonderful surprise to see your email pop up again in my inbox. I’d like to sincerely thank you for what you do… your program truly helped me through one of the darkest times of my life. I remember waiting on the edge of my seat & refreshing my inbox like crazy for your words and how they helped me immensely. Even though they’d never admit it, I knew my friends were sick of hearing about my heartbreak at that point - so hearing from you felt like hearing from a friend who was still more than willing to talk about it. And your emails always made me feel so much better and taught me so much about myself and relationship dynamics as a whole. They truly made me feel not alone.
As for what happened since then…. the ex this was all about is actually my current boyfriend again :) I did allow the break up to happen and followed just about all your advice. He went from seeming like he wanted nothing to do with me, moved on, etc to eventually being the one fighting to win ME back.
Here we are six years later living together and excited for our future. From time to time I even bring up how grateful I am for your emails all those years ago. You didn’t know me personally but you helped me in a way no one else could at the time, and now here we are happier than ever.
Hi. My boyfriend and I were dating for almost six years. We started dating in high school and now we are in college. We moved in together this year and everything was going pretty well until he got a job and was gone a lot. He broke up with me 2 months ago and had even started a fling with a girl he works with. That ended a few weeks ago.
Last week we had hung out in person for the first time since the split and he admitted that the reason he ended things with the other girl was because his feelings for her were nothing compared to what he still felt for me. But, he says he is enjoying being single and doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to lead me on. After hanging out, I told myself I would start no contact. It's been a week, but I guess I am just concerned that he is enjoying me not contacting him.
I know it's a common concern, but I am worried that he won't miss me and space apart will make him realize that he is having more fun being single and not having to worry about having another person to care and be there for. What do I do?
[Original Comment]
Continue no contact. Even if he is enjoying himself, let him do so. If people enjoyed being single so much, no one would ever start a relationship. Eventually he will miss you.
[10 Years Update]
Wow what a trip down memory lane re-reading my comment. It brings me right back to exactly how I felt in that moment and I would like to share my personal experience in follow-up to help anyone else going through something similar. I really relied on sites like this and advice/stories from other people to get me through this incredibly dark and difficult time in my life.
What happened with your ex? Did you move on? Did you get back together?
We stayed in contact after the breakup. I was obsessed with the idea of “getting him back”. So I worked on myself by working out, making friends and going out to be more social. I admit that all of this was to appear as if I had moved on and was entirely for the wrong reasons. We occasionally hung out and then it gave me false hope that we would work things out just for him to continue his single life coming in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. I did eventually put myself back out there and started dating. I wasn’t ready but I thought it would help. It did not. But surrounding myself with solid girlfriends helped tremendously.
In all my efforts to appear like I had my life together, I slowly started to actually take care of myself and it became less about him and more about me. About 2 years later, I met my (now) husband. And I would never trade any of this heartbreak or experience for anything because it truly helped make me stronger. I will say, my ex did profess his love for me once he saw I became serious with someone else (they always do). It was too little too late, of course.
Can you share any valuable lessons you learned?
I learned how important it was to surround myself with people who loved me and were going to lift me up during such a hard time. I needed people to be honest with me and not tell me what I wanted to hear. It’s important to focus on yourself and if the opportunity to get back together comes up, then you can choose for yourself and hopefully have learned some things along the way.
What advice would you give someone going through a similar situation?
Take it one day at a time. I know it’s cliche. But I remember telling myself “just make it through this work week” and “just make it through the end of the month”, “make it through to this holiday” and one day I just stopped counting the days. I stopped counting the days it had been since we broke up. And stopped counting the days until I gave myself permission to reach out to him. And just started living my life again. That was so freeing and I met the true love of my life at a time when I was ready.
I hope that helps!
Warm regards,
Kaitlyn
Dear Kaitlyn,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your advice is so encouraging and hopeful. It's going to be immensely helpful for our readers who are going through a breakup. I appreciate it a lot.
Hi Kevin,
I just broke up with my boyfriend last Thursday which is five days ago. after the break up, i practically felt so hurt and i didnt know what to do. during the first might of break up, i called him because i miss him so much and i want him back. the reason to our break up is because he felt sorry and he felt hurt every time he see me cry, and yeah during our relationship, i cried in front of him so many times, which i regret after all. because he actually broke up of relationship, he suggested us to become best friends until he felt like he's mature enough to be in a relationship, till then we could continue again. but i didnt want, and he was okay with it.
but then five days ago, he actually broke up this relationship saying he cannot continue anymore because no matter what he does, he will always make me cry. so he couldn't bear to see me like this anymore. but i want him back. we had so many good times together and i could not let go of the past. the next day after the break up, i ask if he wanted to get back together but he said he can't. he wants to have fun and enjoy his highschool life with his friends first. i kept of begging him and i cried. i was a total messed up girl. i know i shouldn't have done that but i couldn't hold myself. and then i agreed to be his best friend. but every time i see him at school, i feel like crying and keeps on reminiscing the old memories again. and its impossible to do NC since we are classmates. what should i do? i want to get him back but i dont know what to do.
[Original Comment]
You can do no contact even if you are classmates. Just treat him like you would any other classmate. Don't have any conversation with him for more than 5 minutes. And don't talk about anything personal.
[10 Years Update] Hi!
To begin with, I totally have forgotten that I’ve ever wrote that comment. Looking back, I couldn’t believe that I was going thru such a hard time over a high-school breakup! Haha. It has been 10 years since I wrote that comment. Well.. guess what? I am now married, not to my ex but to someone whom I cherish so much as the love of my life.
Regarding my ex, after we broke up 10 years ago, we got back together 1 year later, we sorted our issues back then, and continued our relationship for another 4+ years before permanently ending our relationship..
At that time, another issues came along. My family did not approve of our relationship.. and there were also financial issue, which led me thinking that we won’t be able to reach the next step of our relationship, which is getting married. Along the relationship, I grew further apart from him, because I was tired of the constant pressure my family gave. On the other hand, he always seeks approval from my family which kind of pressured me as well. In short, I felt guilty that I couldn’t give him the assurance that he needed.
It took me a year to put some thoughts onto our relationship before I finally took the courage and ended our relationship, so that we wouldn’t waste our time. I felt sooo relieved.
Months later, I met my current husband and everything started to fall into place, and my ex also met someone else, I am happy for him.
We don’t keep in touch anymore, but I don’t regret those years we had together.
My advice to anyone out there who’s going thru a breakup, believe me, as cliche as it sounds.. time will heal.
One day you’ll look back and wonder why did it hurt so much when now it doesn’t even matter anymore? Especially when you finally meet the right person, everything will work out. Before that, focus on upgrading yourself and be the best version of yourself before you meet someone new.
Learn to love yourself first. I started working out, losing weight, meeting new people, learning new skills and many more. That really helped me going thru the 2nd breakup.
When you are content with yourself, the right person will come along, your standard in looking for a partner will also be higher. so chin up, you’ll be okay!!
I have fallen in love with a man I'm scared I'm gonna lose him forever he started dating someone but never stopped seeing me he calls checks on me he makes time to see me he asks me to send him pics bc he misses me but recently he just told me he's moving in with her after only dating 8 months n has not stopped seeing me he tells me he loves me and wants me in his life how can he want me in his life but be moving in with someone else he tells me he loves me we have been thru a lot together he's someone that's very special to me n I'm scared I'm gonna lose him forever i never pushed him to be with me bc I didn't think he would leave me he never was someone to rush into anything he has been hurt in the past I'm stunned he's moving in so quickly with this girl why not me after so long he got upset that other man were calling me even after he told me about his move do u think I have lost him forever ? Do u think I stand a chance? Please help I really need advice
[Original Comment]
You do stand a chance but only if you cut all contact with him for a month and go on a few dates during that time. He wants to keep you as his backup for as long as he wants. You have to stand up for yourself and refuse to be his backup.
[10 Years Update] Wow this email took me by surprise at first I wanted to ignore it but then it made me really think and also see how much has changed and also how I have changed
As for the ex he shortly after moving in with this woman married her and then shortly after they had 2 kids it was lightening speed there was no wasting time however this man has never lost contact with me we often talk about life we do not see each other as I too have moved in life sadly I have not met the one who made my heart feel the way this man did but I believe he is out there over the years I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with me why wasn’t I good enough was I so ugly he was embarrassed of me why did he move so fast with her
after a lot of soul searching and self care I realized this man wasn’t looking for love he saw an opportunity that would make his life easier as this women is very well off financially as with me he would have to work with me to gain the things he wanted like a huge house in a wealthy neighborhood new boats, trucks , toys and even inheritances
When realizing this it hurt to the core I couldn’t believe it to be true until one day he said it he told me I have always been the one he loved and that he never thought he would still think about me so many years later
For me I learned to love him from a distance and I wish him well he’s the one who has to live with his choices where I am free and able to do as I please I have learned my value and hope to meet a man that values me with out question
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the update. I truly appreciate it.
Hi Kevin,
Malarie and I had been dating shy of three years. Recently she went to Florida to visit one of her single friends. When she came back she broke it off with me and told me that since she was 17 she has been in a relationship and needs time and space and to be single. LOGICALLY, our relationship was great. We rarely fought, we showed eachother affection everyday. We had a cat and loved him to death. We both promote our dreams to eachother, I help her with homework and have promoted her degree (which her parents never did). Throughout the two weeks we have broken up we both have professed our love for eachother (against your rules). She has talked to most of my family members to insist that she just needs to be on her own and that its not me and that she doesnt want them to be upset with her. She insists that she holds hope to be together "one day". When I told her that I didnt believe in "hope" i belived in making things happen she was pretty torn up about it. Right now we have an apartment and she is staying there alone. I have been living at a relatives place. We agreed on breaking the lease but it takes 60 days. So we are FORCED to have contact when figuring out the bills..the cat... ect.. She wants to get her own apartment and live on her own (one of the reasons she broke up with me).
I'm fairly certain that if we saw eachother on the weekend she would intimate with me. I guess I just dont know what to do in this situation. All of your points are correct..I'm scared for a rebound relationship (that was what ours was 3 years ago). We are both "relationship" people, we dont sleep around. I go to the gym, I play music. I'm trying to be positive. I'm setting up a date this Friday (even though i could care less). I just want your thoughts on the situation. I know it sounds like there is more to this...but i really dont think that there is.
[Original Comment]
David,
It's quite possible that she feels like she needs some single time to figure out herself. A lot of people do need to be single for a while in their life and I think she is being very honest with you about the reason for breakup. I guess the only thing you can do is give her the single time. Even if she goes for a rebound, there is nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, it won't last long this time.
Thanks. So do I do the 30 day thing? Or do I just wait for her to contact me after 30 days? being that she needs alone time, Is it more about when she wants to contact me? I am very proud of the way she wants to find herself, I truly just want her to be happy. Even if it means we are never together again.
It's entirely up to you. If you are willing to wait for more than 30 days for her to contact you, then do so. I think you should just follow no contact right now and decide after 30 days if you want to contact her or not.
Just wanted to let you know your steps worked. I have been back with my girl friend for a year and couldnt be better.
Thank You!
Dave
Thanks for the update David. I am glad my website helped. :)
[10 Years Update]
Kevin,
I often think about how you guys helped me back then. I remember feeling empty, sad and lost. I credit your 30 days of no contact as a crucial reason why we got back together. My advice is very much along the lines of your original advice. No contact for 30 days! During that time, I made sure that I went out and did things that I wouldn't normally do. Just anything to keep busy and meet people. I think during that time it made me realize that I was an individual and she was an individual (I know that sounds obvious but when you are with someone for a while things start to mesh together) While we were split up, I ended up doing things I wouldn't normally do. Going out and playing pool, joining a gym, going to a movie on my own ect.. When we eventually started talking again, I had a lot of things to talk about. I believe that was important. Showing that you are independent during the time you break up and that you are enjoying life.
I think it's important that when you start trying to initiate contact again that you show that you are being positive and supportive. I only reached out to her because she wanted me to and she was happy to speak to me after the short period of non-contact. I do remember after the 30 days helping my ex (my ex at the time) pack her things prior to went she went to Florida.
That resonated with her because she couldn't find anyway else willing to help, and she knew I was hurt that she was moving. She did not end up moving, we got back together, and we are now married with two children.
Anyway. Thank you for the advice back then. It certainly worked!
Thank you so much for sharing the update and I am so happy to hear that you are both still together and thriving. I wish you the best in every way.
Hey,
I'm really missing my ex-girlfriend, we've broke up at 14 of February and I couldn't find out the reason of our break up yet, she refused the valentine gift, I've tried to contact her that day but nope.. she ignored my texts/calls, I got so upset and I had to break up with her, I think this was her choice.
We never had any problem before, I've spent days and nights thinking what I did wrong but I just can't find anything, probably she's just bored of me or dunno..
After we broke up, I contacted her after a week or more, I just wanted to know how is she doing and such.. and after that she didn't even look after me till her birthday came (a month later), I was holding myself to not wish her a happy birthday cause she doesn't even look after me, but I couldn't handle it, I wrote her a text at night and I apologized for being late. She replied on that text but I didn't text her back.
Now I really want to get back with her, I mean I meet her sometimes at high school but we just smile at each others and continue our way, we didn't spoke IRL after we broke up.
So yeah, it's pretty messed up, but could you please help me Kevin? I mean could you give me some suggestions of what to do to get her back?
Thanks.
[Original Comment]
Just follow the plan Edward. Everything you need is in the article. She is young and confused and so are you. I'll suggest you at least date a few other girls before you try to get back with her.
[10 Years Update]
Hello,
Reflecting on an experience from a decade ago, when I was just sixteen, brings mixed emotions. At the time, the pain felt overwhelming, almost unbearable, yet looking back now, it seems like a distant memory. I’ve learned to forgive my younger self and accept that some lessons are best learned through experience.
One crucial lesson from that time is the importance of moving on. It's possible to give too much love and affection to those who may not reciprocate in the way we hope. This isn't to say they are bad people; it simply means that not everyone can match the intensity of our feelings. Realizing this has taught me not to force relationships.
Fast forward ten years, I find myself in a much happier place. I have not only grown personally and professionally but also found true love. Recently, I got engaged to the love of my life, marking a new, joyous chapter in my journey.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the lessons. It's great perspective and will surely help our readers.
hey Kevin,
my Ex and I met our freshman year of high school, we became best friends instantly, and talked on and off until our junior year, we became even more close. We started dating May of our Junior year and everything was absolutely fantastic. A couple months down the line, I would get upset over silly little things and call him and make an attempt to repair things. The little arguments would build up over time, and eventually it was clear they were upsetting him. At the end of January of this year, he was done. He first tried to break up with me on my 18th birthday which was the 19th of January; then officially ended things on the 28th. He said he still wanted to be friends. Things were awful in school because I have 3 classes with him. When I regained my sanity in the middle of Febuary, I started to give myself space. (I was constantly "accidentally" bumping into him in the halls, texting him first and even chasing after him in the hallway). The end of Febuary he tells be he wants to be friends again, a couple days after that he curses me out for no good reason. I tell him I want space. It's been 11 days. I don't message him on any form of social media, but i do talk to him in school. is that a good idea? should i ignore him in person even though i have three classes with him? i've read almost all your articles but i'm still not sure what to do. He's a great guy, even though he has been a jerk and flirts with other girls in front of my face (I'm convinced he does this just to bother me). But I would really appreciate some advice, because I'm pretty lost on what to do.
P.S.- I don't mean to sound like a whiny teenage girl here, but I never believed in love until I met my Ex which is why the breakup really tore me up. please help, thank you so much!
[Original Comment]
Hey Victoria,
Yes, you should apply no contact. Don't ignore him completely when you see him in class. Just treat him like an acquaintance and try not to have any personal conversation with him.
[10 Years Update]
lol… I wrote that in high school when I was 17! Cannot even explain the level of cringe I felt reading that, considering that was certainly not true love!
Currently in the happiest relationship of my life with the love of my life that I met in college. Have never looked back and I can’t imagine myself with anyone other than my current boyfriend.
Thank you so much for updating and sharing your situation. Your update will be helpful to readers who are going through a similar situation.
Can I ask a couple of additional questions?
What helped you move on from him? Did you ever try to win him back?
Kylie,
Well I grew up, my brain matured, and I went to college. I grew into myself and if I even remember correctly, was actually kind of embarrassed I was pining after a guy who didn’t deserve me when I was COMPLETELY out of his league! High school doesn’t last forever, it shouldn’t be taken so seriously, and I’m glad I moved on as quickly as I fell in “love” with him. I do not remember the details as it was over 10 years ago, but it’s funny to look back and see how far I’ve come in terms of maturity. Like I said, the fact that I even wrote that message made my skin crawl!
I tried all these steps before and I should say that they actually work. My (now) ex-bf broke up last October. Our relationship started us good friends though when we met, it was very clear that we were very attracted to each other. We are very good friends (up to this point I think). We talked about not being in a relationship because he moved and we would be doing a long distance relationship if we decided to move forward. After months of talking, we decided to be bf-gf. And then things changed for him. He started to freak out and he told me he was not ready for a serious relationship, that I deserve someone better, that he loves me but he is unsure (you know, like the common blabber). I agreed on the break up and I followed everything on this plan. I did that no contact thing for 3 months, I enjoyed my life and I went out on multiple dates.
I must admit it was difficult and I missed him so after 3 months, I sent him a text message. I told him I need to talk to him about something. I wanted a clear closure for both of us. My plan of talking to him was to really tell him he was right about the fact that yes, I deserve someone better. But things didn't work out as planned.
He said he missed me. He was wondering how I was doing. He said he didn't call or text me because he was scared that I'll nag at him or I'll just ignore him. And then after 1 month of talking again, we decided to try again. We are very open about our feelings. We trust each other. We talk almost anything. We say we love each other. We were talking about the future.
And then when everything seems right, he decided to say the same blabber. He said he was not ready. He was wondering why do we get along so easily (he even wondered if it was platonic) and he was not 100% about us (he is on 95% ). He said our relationship is something new to him and he is scared to dip into it. He doesn't like change that much and being with me is totally life changing.
Now....I am very confused! What should I do about him? Is it time to leave him alone for good? Should I wait for him and hope that he'll realize what's he's missing? He kept saying he never understands why I understand him so well. Is he just scared? Please help!!
[Original Comment]
Hey Laura,
It seems he is just scared. It's for you to decide whether you should move on or try to get him back once again. But whatever you decide, I'll recommend you do no contact again for at least 3 months.
He's scared and or playing a game. I've been there before and even had it happen to me. You may want to think long and hard before getting back in a relationship with him.
[10 Years Update] I honestly don’t remember making this post on some blog or some sort. If I am correct about this person, then I was talking about my now husband.
Hi Laura,
Thank you so much for replying. Do you remember what happened after he got doubts again? Did you guys break up a second time or did he just come to his senses?
Kylie,
We broke up 2 more times after that, then I started dating someone else I liked more than him (at that time) so I chose the other guy over him.
But I guess I was really meant to be with my husband because when the other relationship didn’t work out, he came to his senses and pursued me again with the intention of getting married. We are now on our 10th wedding anniversary this year.
Thank you for replying. Congrats on the 10th wedding anniversary.
Hey Kevin,
I came to an extremely busy time in my life these past few months and I took my ex for granted. I was tired, distant, and unaffectionate. She found someone that was very sweet to her and it gave her the strength to walk away after dating me for 2 years. She was obviously so in love with me up until the end and always talked about getting married and whatnot. Her leaving stunned me. Before our relationship began I was aware that the longest she had gone without a relationship was 2 months. She hangs out with this guy a lot because I think it helps her not miss me so much. He asked her to be his gf and she said no and informed me about it.
We've both struggled to stay true to no contact, especially me. Has periodically texting her and pouring my heart out over this last week or 2 been a deal breaker? Can I start now and have it work? She claims to be very confused but knows that she felt like she got to a point where she felt stuck. Do I stand a chance? Also, we are both going back to our same home town this summer and staying very busy with work while her new distraction lives 2 hours away. What is my % chance of her reaching out to me?
[Original Comment]
Yes, you do have a chance if you start right now.
[10 Years Update]
Hey Kevin,
I think it’s awesome that you’re following up on old messages like this. Reading my note gave me the opportunity to reflect on how grateful I am for where my life is now and I’m excited to be able to hopefully help someone who is going through a similar situation to the one I experienced when I wrote that message 10 (TEN!!!) years ago.
My ex and I did not get back together. Wherever she is in the world and in her life’s journey, I hope she is as happy as she can possibly be.
She was my first love and, as often happens with young couples, our relationship ran into the buzzsaw that is college, temptation, and the inevitability of evolving into different people….We held on a little too long through it all and both got hurt more than was necessary. My only regret from the whole ordeal is not having been confident and strong enough to say goodbye quicker. The wisdom to walk away would have saved us both (and me especially) a lot of wounded pride and heartache.
But after taking that lump, getting humbled, and getting back on my feet, my life has been a complete blessing ever since. I’ve had so much fun, I’ve travelled, I’m healthy, my career is in a fantastic place, and a year and 2 days ago I got married to the most incredible woman I could ever imagine. She’s gorgeous, kind, empathetic, successful, driven….i just can’t say enough great things about her. This first year or marriage FLEW by and I look forward to many, many more.
So I think my message would be something like this: embrace the pain and desperation you’re feeling right now and understand that it’s normal. Don’t fight against it…life isn’t a Disney movie and when the ship has sailed, let it go. Instead, take that pain and improve yourself. Reflect on the things you did to help end the relationship and try not to ever repeat them again.
And if you’re young like I was, go out and have some fun! Date lots of girls and make tons of memories.
It takes time, more than you’d probably like to hear, but eventually you do stop thinking about her, the things you could have done better, etc., and then one day you realize the pain is gone entirely. THEN you’ll be ready for the next woman that will make you feel that strongly again to come into your life and hopefully this time you’ll be ready.
If you’ve read this far, I really do wish you the best and I promise things will work out. I wish you could see and experience how incredible my life is now, but you’ll just have to take my word for it and wait to experience it for yourself!
You’re gonna make it, and 10 years from now you’ll look back and smile.
P.S. Kevin - can you see the exact date I sent you that message? If it was May 12 (my wedding day 10 years later) that would really be something special
Adam
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your insights. Very helpful. Congrats on the wedding and I wish you a lifetime of happiness and success in everything you do.
Your original comment date was May 2, 2014. So you are off by just 10 days. But it's still the same month so that must mean something. :P
So myself and this girl got together beginning of this year, she is 23 and I will be next month.
We had a few emotional rollercoasters, due to not knowing how the other feels about the situation.
I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend she said yes.
We had a arguement in the week.I repremanded her on something she did..
long story short, it lead to her telling me that she is not planning on giving me false hope in this relationship.
And that she has been the heart broken girl before and she is not going down that road again.
She said she does not know what to do from here.I eventually got her apologise,I accepted the apology and said thank you.
she said you welcome.
I did not reply after two days.I greeted her and like wise.I said I though about what we spoke about and whether she did too?
She still hasn't reply since.
I've decided to ignore her from here on in?.we not that long together, would ignoring her now, be a smart move?.
Cause I'm confuse about it all.Is she insecure or just playing me??.
[Original Comment]
She is afraid of commitment. Apply no contact rule and focus on yourself. If she contacts you, tell her you both need space and time and continue with the plan.
[10 Years Update]
Lol, wow, I have completely forgotten about this comment.
So just an update, I have moved on from that moment in my life, and went on to date other people.
I have been in an exclusive relationship with my current girlfriend for 7 years now, and we are still very much inlove with each other.
During that time of my comment, I later realized how I was very needy and insecure at the time, and if anything that very situation was a hard time in my life and I put myself through so much turmoil, I however eventually grew stronger, wiser and really put in work on myself.
A key lesson I took from that was to learn to love yourself first, become a complete person first , and do not rush anyone into relationships. Specifically to men , always give the lady time for her feelings to grow and develop, and when you do enough things right while dating and courting her over time, she will let you know exactly how she feels about you. Be patient, be assertive and never move off your centre as a man.
Women love a man, who is going about his business and allows her to come to him at her own pace, the difference is definitely that little indifference.
What I have learnt, love is like a game of tennis, when you hit the ball over the net, you have to wait for the other person to hit the ball back, lol.
Word of advice, never blow your girl's phone, be secure inself, that when you call or message and she doesn't respond right away, she will get back to you when she is available to do so. A woman with high interest in you will never not make it easy to speak to her.
Was good of you to reach out, I actually enjoy the topic these days, and always encourage people to be the best version of themselves.
Thank you so much for the update and words of wisdom.
Hey Kevin,
My situation is a little more complicated (btw sorry if my English sounds strange, I'm from Hungary) but I will try to keep it short - I would really like to hear Your opinion and advice.
So, we've been very good friends with a girl since 2008, not seeing each other too much, maybe 5-6 times a year, but always flirting. I am 31, she is 30. We had many chances to get together, but we didn't, for 5 years. Somehow we were afraid of rejection, therefore we didn't even touch each other, although we've been sleeping in the same rooms after parties... In the meantime she got married (in 2011) and I did also, in 2012.
Somehow (maybe due to the "secure feeling" of being married, and having some weaknesses in our marriages), in June 2013 we made it happen. The idea was to have fun once.
This "fun" repeated in August, but we went too far: we started to have strong emotions that we didn't expect. Sex was so perfect and chemicals started to work so strong that we both fell in love, so deeply that we totally ignored everything else (marriages, work, families, friends, etc.) for months. Of course we played it in secret, but after a while we simply recognized that we can't live like this, and decided to get divorced.
Since October we've been waiting for the right moment, all the way in secret. We decided to survive Christmas with our husband/wife, and proceed in January/February with moving away. We both treated our partners poorly, having no sex, etc. to give them a clear warning about what will happen. Yes, it was disgusting, but we had no better idea. As a last resort, we would have told them the truth, just to let us go.
After many months of suffering, the girl's husband discovered our secret. Not even a small amount, but basically everything, which is simply too much for anyone to accept. I felt even sorry for him, I never wanted to hurt anyone - the same way we didn't want to hurt my wife either. They just didn't deserve it - but they didn't deserve us playing our roles anymore either.
So, after few days they decided to divorce. In the meantime (due to our empty marriage) I agreed with my wife as well about getting divorced. She never discovered what really went down, but she agreed anyway, as she didn't enjoy the "new me".
But something bad happened: the husband started to play with the emotions of the girl, making big dramas, when he was sick (he had a heart condition!) he refused to go to the doctor, etc. so he was doing pretty childish stuff just to keep the girl with himself. As a very last solution, he offered her that he will forgive everything if she stays with him.
Guess what. The girl accepted his offer.
She was really in love with me, we had the best time of our lives together. I moved away, rented a flat for both of us, but she moved here for a day only, then moved back to her husband, saying that she simply can not leave him. She is still attached somehow to him, and she can't let him go. (her decision is not influenced by financials, etc. only feelings for sure).
Although my friends try to cheer me up, they all agree that she is doing a mistake. The guy is famous of being a good manipulator, and he actually emotionally tortured his previous girlfriend before leaving her (she cheated on him too). Now my love is simply put OFFLINE: her facebook account is deactivated (she loved to use FB), she blocked my phone numbers so I can't call or text her, she is not reading her personal emails. She is not answering to the calls of our common friends either, although we know that they are important for her, she loved our team.
Her brother is calling me sometimes, saying that he really wanted me to save her from our marriage. He is the only one that could talk to her, but actually she said that she doesn't even want to talk to me, she decided to leave me, go back to her husband and she has nothing else to say. In the meantime she doesn't seem to be honestly happy.
When she broke up with me I saw that her eyes and her lips are not telling the same. She was cold and tough while we moved out her stuff from the flat, but still, I got some oral sex in the last minute...
She seems to be definitely confused. I am afraid she is even terrorized at home. Still, her brother recommended me the same as You Kevin: no contact. Let her clean her thoughts up.
What do you think? Can their 3 year old relationship survive such a hit? Especially knowing that the guy knows EVERYTHING (he hacked her phone and read all the nasty messages, all the love confessions, our future plans, etc.)? Or is it possible that he is only playing with her to make her suffer?
To be honest, I just want her to be safe and happy, that's my primary goal. Secondary is to get her back (I can't fix my marriage anyway).
What do you think I should do? Really remain silent and wait? She seemed to be pissed off, even frustrated when I called her after our break-up. She said she is 100% concentrating on fixing her marriage. This sounds very strange as 2 days earlier she said she was the happiest on Earth to finally move in a flat together with me... Although she plays tough, she seems to me totally confused.
We are 2 weeks after the break-up, and my last email I sent to her 2 days ago. Then I read this article and decided to stop looking for her... but am I doing this right?
Your help is highly appreciated.
[Original Comment]
I think she is just feeling guilty for hurting her husband and is trying to make up for it. His drama is just adding to her guilt. I don't think it will work out in the end. Perhaps, when his health gets better, she will realize she can leave him again. You are right, you need to give her time. In my opinion, she can not find happiness in this guilt-ridden relationship no matter how hard she tries. And if she doesn't find happiness, she will eventually get tired and start looking for it elsewhere.
Thank You Kevin!
Actually You have just confirmed what I thought so far - although it doesn't mean that she'll find her way back to me. She is exactly the type who is influenced by feeling guilty. But where has the LOVE gone? Does she still have the feeling? Or can the guilt be so strong that it kills her feelings towards me?
I can almost guarantee that she still has feelings for you. That's why she is avoiding talking to you. And I don't think her feelings will go away easily, even if she tries.
Thank You!
You are helping me incredibly lot.
Writing, talking about this crisis seems to help me to digest it, so I actually collected all out nicest moments in a letter. I'm planning to send it to her, as a kind of goodbye letter. I rewrote it several times and removed all negative thoughts, actually I think it will make her smile and of course, desire me a little more. She is pretty sentimental and has a rich emotional life.
Do you think this is a good idea Kevin? Just to keep her interested?
At the end I am actually saying goodbye and really feel myself ad a closure - but I secretly hope for the opposite :-)
Roland,
I don't think an emotional letter is going to help you get her back. In most cases, it even pushes the ex further away. However, if you are ready to end this chapter of your life and you really mean to send this letter as a goodbye, then go ahead. In your case, it might even help since you are left with no other choice but to wait it out.
[10 Years Update]
Hello Kevin!
Woah, 10 years passed already!
Lots of things have happened in the meantime which I will try to sum up in few sentences.
2014-2015: I could not forget my ex, but your advices and my friends listening and keeping me company helped a lot to survive that period.
end of 2015: I accidentally met her at a distant town where she told me that she was not doing fine, she's not happy and always missed me. Very carefully and slowly but we started dating again, but I always knew I was playing with fire. I was holding myself back and tried not to show her how crazy and desperate I was before.
2016: actually I stepped out of the relationship for a while because I still remembered the scars I got in 2014 and was afraid to get into it fully. At the end of that year I learnt that she got divorced and started to live alone. She contacted me and we spent the Christmas together - it was the first really merry Christmas after 3 years.
2017: we got together and even if it was a rough start, love helped us resolve the minor conflicts. By the end of the year we moved together and decided to give a it a try, even if it won't last.
2018 September: we got married.
2019-2020: we travelled a lot around the world and covid lock down got us even closer than ever before.
2021: our daughter was born
2022-2024: we are happy and we don't know why we wasted so many years, but now we do our best to enjoy life. Our relationship will probably last, no matter what happens.
I'm grateful for the support. I was a good idea to never let go but it was also a good idea to ask for help when I was at the bottom.
Thank you Kevin.
Regards
Me 🙂
Thank you so much for the update. I appreciate it. Congrats on the marriage and the birth of your daughter. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Hey Kevin, so me and my ex-boyfriend had been dating for about 3 years, and we broke up a week after valentine’s day over something stupid that i did. me and my friends got a ride home from a guy that my ex doesn't like. now when i got the ride from him i didn’t know that my ex still didn’t like him. and my ex was nowhere to be found. so when i got home, he texted me and asked me where i was. i told him that i was home, he asked me how and i told him that my friend Sayquan drove me and my friends home. my ex was pissed. he said i was wrong, and i wanted to avoid an argument so i just replied back with an “ok”. the next day, he doesn’t really talk to me, i’m thinking “ok, he’s still mad it’s cool he will get over it.” but no we got into a text-fight and i was confused as why he was so angry, it was all innocent, and he told me that he didn’t like the guy but wouldn't give me a reason why. i said “but Sayquan likes you, so why don’t you like him?” and he replies with “i don’t care, if i got into a car with a girl that you don’t like it would be like world war 3”. so, me being angry, me and my friends got a ride home again. and my ex broke up with me saying that i didn’t respect him. he was trying explain to me that it was a big deal, while me and a lot of other people don’t think so. so i saw how he felt and how much i hurt him and apologized a lot to him. and a week after we broke up i hear that he has a new girlfriend.
i ask him about it, crying because he told me that we were just taking a break and he never told me that he wanted to move on. he told me no, he didn't have a girlfriend and he’s not ready to move on. well he told me to stop crying and to come to his house later so we could talk. when we talked i explained to him why i did it and how it was innocent it was just a ride home, and he told me how i disrespected him, and he told me that we were going to get back together but just not right now, he said he needed time to get his mind right. so i was a little sad but i accepted what he wanted, and after that, we had sex… the day after that i found out that it is true that he has a new girlfriend and i asked him why did he lie to me, and why he didn't tell me he was ready to move on, and he said it wasn't the right time to tell me. so i was just a mess i didn't know how to feel or what to do. and we talked again, last Friday and he told me that he just can’t break up with her because that’s mean, and i know it’s a rebound relationship like who gets a new girlfriend a week after you've been in a relationship with someone else for about 3 years?? and last Friday we had sex, again, yes it’s terrible, and he was texting me all weekend and i spent the whole day with him monday and then tuesday he acts like i don’t even exist like does he feel guilty for keep cheating on her with me? and i told him that i will not be his side chick and he said he knows and we keep having sex, twice monday, so a total of 5 times since they've been dating, they've been dating for 2 weeks now. And today he texted me and i told him to leave me alone, he asked me why and i said “because i’m tired of you playing mind games with me.” he replies “i’m really not i’m not playing games with you.” And so i told him that it feels like he used me for sex and he said it’s not going to happen again. And i told him how it was wrong how he keeps having sex with me and he’s dating her.
He told me that it’s not going to happen again and that me and him will just remain as friends. He thought that i hated him and i told him i didn’t i just wanted him to grow up and make up his mind, he flat out told me that he wants to date other people, i asked him if he was choosing her over me, he replied yes and i replied “ok good”. He asked me if everything is really good, and i said, “yeah, i just wanted you to tell me the truth and you did.” so he said ok, and for confirmation i asked him “so you made up your mind, it’s her right?” and he said yes. and then i asked him why would he choose a new girl over a girl that has stuck by his side for the longest, and he said that she respects him, i said i always respected him, and he said no i didn't, and i told him that he didn't always respect me either, and he told me that i was right. and so basically after that i told him that im happy that i can move on now that i know that we probably won’t be getting back together, and i told him that everything is all good because we’re both happy, and he said “right”. but i know i lied and he lied too. we’re both not 100% happy. i’m upset but trying to cover it up as best as i can especially when i see him. I mean i want him back but then i don’t know because this situation really hurts and i don’t know what goes on in a man’s head i’m just still a little confused.
[Original Comment]
I have a feeling he just used that incident as an excuse to end the relationship. Perhaps he was already dissatisfied and it had been on his mind for some time to breakup. I think you should apply no contact for a couple of months and then contact him again.
[10 Years Update] Hello, I’ve wrote that comment when I was a junior in high school… I am now 27 years old. But to answer your questions yes we did end up getting back together but I left that relationship after graduating in 2015.
My advice would be to not go on websites trying to figure out how to win an ex back, it’s better to just let things be and to let whatever happens in life to just happen.
I am doing well in life I’m currently living with my partner whom I’ve been with for quite some time now. Thank you!
Thank you for the update and the advice. It certainly makes a lot of sense if you are young.
I'll tell you now. Every single word of this site is 100 % correct.
No girl ever goes back to a cry baby but everyone forgets their ex's weakness with time ad remembers the real them.
I cried and begged to get her back for 6 months, but as soon as I gave up and moved on and became once again, the boy she fell in love with in the first place, she chased me.
We've now been married ten years.
Believe me, I made every mistake described above.
I was first guy she slept with and was sure I'd never see her again.
Every day of that 6 month was hell.
If you're the one being left. Tell them you'll miss them forever and then never call them again.
I was told that by a clever pal, every day for 6 months but ignored and got to the stage when my (now wife and at the time girlfiend of 5 years) started to hate me.
2 months later she found out I was happy with someone else and she took me down and told me she loved me.
This is not shallow, its part of growing up. Realising you are with the right one.
Be strong. Never call them.
They left you. Pity will never win them back.
[Original Comment]
Hey John,
Thank you for your comment. It's great to hear from someone who has reconciled and has been with his ex for 10 years.
Great site you have here!!! I wish I would have seen this a year ago. My bf of 7 years and I broke up last June. Since then, we have had brief contact in October, November and February. Each of these times has always ended up with me crying and being needy and we don't talk for months. This last time, I initiated contact after 7 weeks of NC. He immediately asked me to dinner and I was happy and pleasant and we had good conversation and the dinner went great. Until dessert rolled around, when he suggested that we talk about our relationship. I immediately started crying (I was slightly drunk after 3 drinks with dinner) and started getting needy. He told me not to have any expectations of him....and he literally couldn't get me home fast enough. I thought for sure we weren't gonna talk again for a while, but he stopped by last Thursday to say hi and I just acted super cool like nothing happened and we had great conversation and it was upbeat. No neediness. He told me he would text me Friday and we would get together. Well, no text that night. He did call me today to say hi and happy mothers day but he sounded cool and distant. I really tried sound upbeat when I talked to him. I didn't mention anything about how rude I thought it was that he blew me off Friday night. (which is how I would usually react, but I bit my tongue!) I know you say not to act like a doormat, so what advice would you give in this case?
I have been dating and excercising and I got a dog and all the stuff you outline in your plan during this last period of NC and I basically compare everyone Ive dated to my ex. I know he still loves me, shoot he still stores my car at his warehouse and hasn't asked me to move it. I want it to work, but should I go back into NC since it got awkward?
Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.
[Original Comment]
I think a week of no contact should be enough right now. I think you are handling everything fine. You should continue like this for a while. Don't show any signs of neediness. I don't think you are being a doormat if you don't by not reacting to him blowing you off. By not mentioning it, you are conveying the message that it was not so important for you that he calls you and you really weren't waiting for him. That shows that you are not needy.
I cant thank you enough for what you are doing here. Your daily emails are helping me immensely! I will let you know what happens. As it is turning out, he texted me Monday morning. We went to breakfast, held hands and it felt great. I texted him today to say hi and it went well. I am learning that patience and a smile work wonders. Thanks again.
Thanks for your comment Danielle. I feel blessed to be able to affect so many people's lives through a website. Internet is truly a great thing. :)
I am happy to report that as of yesterday, my bf and I made it official again! After a year of being apart, he told me to put my (gorgeous) ring back on and change my FB status! I strongly feel that changing my insecure behavior, acting cool (even though I was not feeling very cool), journaling/doing positive stuff for myself is the reason why. And if I hadn't found this site and your real life approach, I would still be acting a fool.
Thank you again. It actually worked, and so quickly!
P.S. I want to continue to receive your emails, to keep me in a positive mindset and not fall back into the insecure girlfriend syndrome.
That is so awesome Danielle. Congrats. :)
Hi! Ok, so this is complicated. I don't think my ex and I are very typical. Basically we moved in together right from the beginning and were a couple for 1 year and 3 months. A couple months before she ended it, things were getting a little rocky, but we seriously never would argue or fight before that. We had complete lack of space during our whole relationship, but didn't realize it until it caught up with us. We were insanely crazy about each other for at least 12 months, but later we got too comfortable and stopped taking care of our relationship. I know now that’s what I did anyways, but never stopped loving her. We just started drifting through it. So a couple months ago, she said she needed a break for space and thought she should move out. I freaked, of course, but eventually told her I supported her, especially when she said break not break up. Then we'd argue and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to work on our relationship. She just wanted space. We would go back and forth, letting our emotions get the best of us. So she moved in with a friend and twice we had two bad text arguments, no holds barred. It wasn't until that last one that it hit me between the eyes. She didn't just give up; I screwed up big time towards the end of our relationship and reacted out of fear. She had to stop by yesterday to give me something after not seeing each other for 6 weeks and I sat her down and told her what I realized and accepted and genuinely apologized for what I did wrong. I explained that anything mean I said over texts was completely fueled by emotion and she agreed. I told her how I've learned from my mistakes and hope one day maybe she'll be ready to try again. The thing is, she told me she really didn't want to come see me that night (anxiety), and she wouldn't even give me a hug after my apology. I would send her a text picture every now and then and tell her it reminded me of her, but it would just get ignored. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. She told me when I did those little things; it would just stab her heart. I know for her and I this will be a slow process. She is currently experiencing a low in life and feels SOOO unstable. She says she’s tired of always getting shit on and is still trying to get over other hurts in her past. I guess what I’m afraid of is that she said she forgives me for what I did, but she’s just covering and will hold on to my mistakes forever. Not that I was the only problem in our relationship.. She said she can’t be around me, can’t talk to me, basically wants complete isolation, and says it’s going to take her a long time. Basically, I have no choice but to start your no contact plan and now I see how that’s the best thing to do, but after a couple months of intense emotional exhaustion between us, do you think time could still pull her back? It seems right now; she can only remember the last 3 months of knowing me and can’t connect with the first wonderful 14 months of knowing each other. Time? Another thing to add is she is moving an hour away for college in 4 months, but we have experience long distance together before. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I hope this all made sense! haha
[Original Comment]
Hey,
I do think no contact will benefit you, even after 3 months of emotional exhaustion. In fact, I think no contact is the only thing that can increase your chances of getting back together at this point.
Hi Kevin,
What if your girlfriend broke up with you, due to her depression? We broke up 2 months ago, would have contact every now and then, mostly by text, but it would always go back to an emotional argument. Then I realized my mistakes in the relationship and told her that and appologized. I was caught up in my own stresses that I didn't realize I wasn't paying enough attention to her and so I think her feeling neglected is what triggered her depression. Then everything else in her life was suddenly wrong, she can't handle being near me, she now has insomnia, basically her mind is completely messing with her., making her question everything. She feels numb and so unsure of everything. We were great for about 14 months of living together and not so great for 3 months. She struggled to end it with me, first saying she needs space, then a break, then a break up. She moved in with a friend 2 months ago. She refuses to see a doctor about her depression, but even I have suffered from it, so I know over time she will come out of this episode naturally. Does the plan apply to a relationship that suffered because of this?? I can't logically imagine spending so many great months making memories with someone to be something they couldn't realize after the depression lifts. She says she needs zero contact and isolation, basically from everyone, so I know I don't have a choice, but do you think it could still work for someone like her?
[Original Comment]
Yes, I think there is a chance it will work. Although, you really can't do anything unless she feels better.
[3 Months Update]
Hi! So I wrote on here a couple months ago about my girlfriend and how she left very suddenly after over a year and I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!
[Original Comment]
Hello, been reading through the posts and I would be very thankful for some insight on my situation.
My ex(27f) and I (31M) had avery intense but short relationship (3 months, even though we liked each other for longer than that). At the time of the breakup she started having a lot on her plate, studying something new, working on a project and starting work practices all at the same time, and then it was me, being afraid of losing her and showing it sometimes, I was making her stressed in a time where she needed space and support and ended up breaking up with me. I got into an emotional mess and during the break up day I tried everything, text, mails...She got fed up and blocked me.
So she did the break up and the no contact...After 3 weeks I sent a text saying that I was sorry for things went and that I would really like to talk with her, I also said that I missed my best friend (refering to her), it's not like I want to friend zone myself but we started out being best friends and I know that's an important thing for her.
She said that once she finishes everything she was doing we would talk, that she needed space for herself...And the same day she did finish I noticed that she did unblock me. I didn't initiate that day, but the day after and late like 8 or 9pm, being casual, asking how the studies and the project went. She was very short and I congratulated and she replied with a simple "thanks"...Then she asked me about my day an hour later. We did talk for a bit and she was talkative, I was able to say that I was doing therapy to overcome my fears, that I knew the origin of them now and afterwards I just said sorry to her for what hapenned between us and she was like "it is ok now, things happen for a reason, you have to look forward now and be happy with yourself", things like that...I did leave it for a bit but I told her that there were a thousand things I wanted to tell her but that I knew I had to shut up, and she said "I told you, once I finish up we could talk, if you are going to feel better do tell me", and I told her that I would like to meet in person to talk and she agreed.
Now I'm keeping LC.
Yesterday I sent her a joke in the morning and she just replied with smily emotes.
Today she initiated to say that "confirmed, we can meet on Sunday if you are available", we did some small chat that I kept light and that's it, I'm meeting her in 2 days...
I'm a bit nervous about how to approach this, I know I have to be light, to look like I'm making changes (which I am), to look positive and happy even though I'm not always like that. But there is a part of me that really wants to be serious and tell her to bet for me, not to take me back (I know I don't have to be pushy at all) but to allow me to show her how I'm overcoming things? Is it a bad idea to be a bit intense with a person which I had a lot of intense talks? I want to tell her my true intentions, that I do want her back, but that I'm willing to wait and for her to see that I have changed...I guess my question is, it is ok to voice the real intentions in this manner? To even say, look in this time alone I did realize I do truly love you, and that it is not coming from a place of fear?
Thanks a lot for any answer!
[Original Comment]
Since she may honestly be expecting you to come across as intense and want to have a serious conversation, perhaps it might be better to do the opposite and start by being light hearted and while addressing some of the issues during the breakup may be needed, at least ensure that she has a good time and that stress isn't added onto her plate now or she wouldn't even want to consider the idea of getting back together. By letting her enjoy the weekend (and date with you so to speak), you at least 'show' her with your actions that you're capable of change and that you understand how stressed she is and you just wanted to help her unwind - which could work a lot more positively in your favor than having a serious talk.
Well she did say she came ready to have a hard time and so at first it was difficult for both of us, we ended up laughing and she grabbed my arm and everything at the end of the day so I guess she ended up relaxing and enjoying herself, said she was glad to have seen me...She said she won't have a relationship with me but agreed to continue to meet up and that after I expressed my true intentions and feelings, that I was commited to change, that I loved her and that I didn't gave up that dream, so we did have an intense talk first thing and then we just enjoyed each other's company. So I guess...There's hope there. In my opinion now I have to continue improving myself, being a friend for her like when we started and just be trully patient. While I wasn't expecting to get back together right there and then it went well I think, now I can see her again and continue to show her that I'm committed to real change and that I'm there.
Thanks for your answer!
All the best. As long as you remain patient, and avoid putting pressure on her, while continuing to build a positive connection with her bit by bit, the chances of winning her back eventually is definitely there.
[6 Years Update]
Sure! So we did end up getting back together even though we did break up later, so instead of 3 months we got a good 4 years together. I remember your website did help me a lot to present myself in a good way after the breakup and keep it cool and collected.
Thank you so much for replying. If you don't mind sharing, what was the reason you both broke up later? And was the second breakup as hard as the first one?
The reason had to do with mental health issues which made it difficult to have a stable and healthy relationship.
I would say the second time around it was a bit easier because deep down I felt it was for the best if I ever wanted to find peace, which I did. To me the hard part always is the loneliness after living with someone what I find the hardest to deal with.
Thank you for the explanation. I wish you best moving on and finding the right partner for yourself.
Hello, I am 27 and my ex is also 27 we broke up about 3 weeks ago. The reason we broke up was because I felt like he took me for granted and I kept trying for him to be more loving and caring towards me but one day he just told me that if I wasn’t happy or comfortable that we could just end things and I didn’t want to but he kept telling me that he didn’t think we were okay anymore and that things wouldn’t work out anymore. I feel like he got annoyed and so I went ahead and told him that if that’s what he wanted we could end things and he kept saying it was for the best. I didn’t think so I wanted to keep trying to make the relationship work out but apparently he gave up on us. So after the break up I didn’t text him for about a week and then I decided to text him back last week I wanted to see if there was the possibility of us getting back together someday and he replied that he didnt think so and, didnt know if we would get back together someday. I didnt reply back to that I just stopped texting him but I think that maybe if I give him time he’ll miss me and want me back. I don’t know if I should wait and then text him and see if we could try it again. He never told me he didn’t have feelings for me so I don’t know if that might be a reason to just give him time and then look for him. Would that be the right thing to do? He could be a bit prideful and not be the one to come look for me , most of my friends tell me to just move on and forget him and that if he did care or loved me he would be the one coming after me. I don’t know what the best thing to do would be?
[Original Comment]
If you felt unsatisfied with the way he was treating you then, which led to the relationship ending, by you taking the first step to reach out to him, don't you think that the situation would remain the same even if you succeeded in getting him back and he'd still take you for granted after?
I just thought that maybe with time apart he can miss me and things will better.
Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It's really subjective to each relationship, and would depend on how the relationship ended and how things were handled after.
[6 Years Update]
Hi,
It has been quite some time from this.
I hope I could be of some help.
In the moment when I was going through all this I was really heartbroken and all I wanted was to find ways for my ex and I to get back together. that’s how i ended up here trying to find advice or anything that would help with this situation. I was desperate you could say. I was going through this for several months and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I didnt text him back or looked for him and he didn’t either so I moved on and as the days went by i started to realize that I deserved better and that perhaps he wasn’t the right person for me . I started to tell myself that there would be someone that would love me and not give up on us like he did. And sure thing I found someone else like 2 years after this.
If I could give anyone going through something similar an advice it would be this. i know in the moment when one goes through a break up we don’t see it and it really hurts alot and we want to do anything possible to be with that person. But sometimes we have to stop and think that maybe it’s for the best not to be with that person as much as it hurts us, things always happen for a reason. As days go by you will start to feel better just have to take it day by day and soon the hurt will slowly disappear. I know sounds easier said than done but these moments are what shape us and help us grow. I know for me this situation really helped me grow and know what I deserve. I really hope that my experience will help anyone.
Thank you for reaching out to me. And let me know if there are any other questions.
Hi Griselda,
Thank you so much for replying and sharing those insights. They will be very helpful for someone going through a similar situation. I do have a few other questions.
Do you remember how long it took you to realize that he was not the right person for you? For a lot of our readers who go through a tough breakup, they start feeling much better after the 3 months mark. Would you agree to that timeline?
In what way would you say your current relationship is better than the previous one? Do you both communicate better? Do you understand each other better? Do you both prioritize each other more?
Thank you again for replying and sharing your insights.
Hello Kevin,
I realized I never replied back to this. My apologies.
To answer some of your questions. I agree I realized he wasn’t the right person for me, around 3 months or so later. Of course I still had feelings for him but after I didn’t text him back he never reached out or tried to work things out with me. so I told by self that it was best if I moved on and forgot about him.
In my current relationship , I feel like it’s the opposite of what I had with my ex. The communication is way better ,if there is something we disagree on we’ll talk it through. I know he won’t get upset or ignore me . He is always there supporting me and motivating me and cares about me and shows it. We both spend time together but we also have time apart to hangout with friends or family and we both are okay with that. These are some of the things that were lacking with my ex ,he would get upset if I asked anything about our relationship and he would make me feel at fault for questioning things ,it was just very toxic looking back.
Let me know if you may have any further questions.
Hi Griselda,
Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate you taking the time to explain further. These are very helpful insights.
Hey Kevin and everyone else.
My fiance broke up with me almost 10 months ago.
We had been together for almost 9 years and it was first relationship for both of us. Im 29 and she will be 30 in 2 months.
Problem started 1 year before the breakup, due to new work we didnt get to spend much time together since she started early and i usually got home late and needed to work weekends and sleep away. During this time a guy at her work got friends with her and he started flirting with her. I did point this out to her and said it made me uncomfortable and asked her to distance herself a little from him. She said they were only friends and i do believe she was honest abouth that at first but he filled a void that was created due to the fact we got so little time together. Then one night i did something wrong by checking her text messages since that had been no problem before that we checked each others phones out of curiosity.
But lately she had been protective about her phone and i wanted some answers. Turned out she had started flirting back with him so i asked her what was going on and if something had happened between the two of them. She denied it and said they had hugged and only hang out a little. I left the home and got back later that night and asked her how she felt and that she had to choose between me and him. She said she was confused but anted to be with me and asked me to forgive her.
I tried give it another go but 10 months later she dumped me. She said i had been on edge since we talked about it and that her feelings for me had changed.
Needless to say i was a wreck and did all the mistakes.
What makes my situation a little special is that we both wanted to have each other in our lifes and didn't wanna ruin our friendship to.
We lived together at the time and we kept living together for almost 6 months during which time she looked for a new place to live.
During those 6 months we both had emotional breakdowns on which we would comfort each other. I didn't bring up the fact that we should try again.
The last 2 months major changes have happened. One problem in our relationship was financial, we were both unemployed for periods so we had problem with money and being able to do things.
Luckily i have gotten a full time good paying job now, one that forces me to be away during the weeks. She is back at her old job where she works with the guy she was flirting with, he however didnt dare to stand up against me for her when i called him up on the phone and told him to back of, so i think he wont be a problem if not for the fact that her subconscious will remember that as a weak move from his side.
Finding your site 2 weeks ago and starting getting the email helps me put things in perspective. I have had regular contact with her but for the last 2 weeks i have minimized it and focusing on improving myself, if she calls me i might pick up but keeps conversation to a minimum and holds a distance to her.
What i wounder is if i should carry on and go into full No Contact and then proceed with the letter or if it can be a possibility to skip NC and go straight for the letter, being that we had good contact after the breakup it does seems like a risk losing that then try get it back after no contact.
I know this got long and i didn't intended it to be, but i sincerely would need the help i can get and would like to give as much information that i can.
Id like to add to this that all our mutual friends have allways viewed us like a "perfect" couple and think we are silly and that we still function together like we were a couple and they hope and think we will work this out.
For last i wanna thanks you for the help you provide to everyone that writes or reads your articles.
Thanks Kevin
//Jerry
[Original Comment]
Hey Jerry,
I think minimum contact is going to work better for you. If you think you need a little bit of no contact, you can inform her beforehand that you need some time and space.
[10 Years Update]
No worries it doesn't stir any bad feelings in me that chapter of my life is something i have dealt with completely.
I have no problem to share more of my experience in the hope it may help others, as i do like to help people and be supportive.
First of did i move on from my ex?
The answer here is yes i did move on and it took me some time. She is still together with the guy she left me for and they are now having a family and seems to be happy as far as i know. My ex and i do exchange pleasentry every now and then and id say we are on good terms with one another but its not like we hang together like friends or something.
And what happened to me?
Well after me responses in the comments i did basically what i said i would do with the stepping back, and avoiding contact etc. This was a hard time and looking back at it now its clear that i was in a bad denial about the situation, she had clearly moved on as it was her initiative and i was left behind with my world shattered.
Now one part to this story that i never did mentioned is that after i went radio silence my ex and her family and i went on a vacation together at the end of the summer, something that had been planned for a while before the breakup, she hadn't told her family yet and i was hopping we could patch things up so that why i still went.
I had made the decision if we couldn't seem to patch it up during this trip then i would give it up this trip was in September the same year.
After i went radio silence i did make a couple of decisions that helped me, first of i had friends and family to talk to and vent and that helped me and they did give me their opinions that wasn't always what i wanted to hear but was something that i needed to hear and think about.
The second thing was that my self image is that I'm a happy guy so i decided i should stop being sad and depressed as that state of mind is non constructive and will not help me so i took a quote i heard from a TED talk to heart and lived by it.
"Fake it till you become it".
What i did was i decided to do things that i thought was fun or something that i would have thought was fun until i had fun, basically trying to enjoy life, so for me that meant i went skydiving, i went to the movie, i took a roadtrip with my brother across the country to go to a music concert, i went to the amusement park, i hanged with friends and to big one i started to talk to other girls.
So where did this take me after that vacation trip?
Well clearly me and my ex didn't patch things up there, the trip was fine and during it i was talking with a girl online back home and we decided to hookup when i got home (yes this meeting was intended like a one night stand thing) this was not in my character and out of my comfort zone but i decided "hey what the harm and why not take a chance and enjoy life". After i dropped my ex and her family of i went straight to this date no need for details but we had a great night and morning, we decided to meet again, she was not looking for anything serious and i said i honestly didn't know what i was looking for.
Long story short this was 9 years ago we have now been an couple for 8.5 years, been married for soon 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids and I'm so happy.
What did i learn and what lessons can i give to others?
1. Its not the end of the world and it will get better if you let it.
2. Unless there are kids in the picture the most important person is you so have respect enough for yourself to understand once its time to cut the cord to avoid hurting yourself more by dragging out on it like i did.
3. Depression takes on many forms and can be treated in different ways, do whatever you can to be happy ( Fake it till you become it).
4. Don't be afraid to be alone, sometimes thats something you need to land on your feet and find out where in life you are.
5. Never let your happiness be bound to someone else. Whatever happens in life make sure you can be happy alone and don't need to have someone there to be happy. Let other people be there to enrich your life and happiness but not be the only source of it.
Its been some rambling from me here and i hope i do make some sense and hopefully can help someone else.
As for my advice well i did all those mistakes.
My happiness was conditioned on my ex being in my life, i was miserable without her and was convinced the world was ending and i would never be happy again, i dragged out on letting her go since i was afraid of being alone and in that process all i did was increase my suffering.
Today i can think of my ex and our time and see thats a totally different life and a totally different me, i have grown as a man and I'm happier today, if there was a way for me to go back and change things i wouldn't. Don't let the things that hurt you in the past be what drags you down today, let that be the things you use to build a better future for you.
To whomever it may concern
I wish you all well.
Jerry
Hi Jerry,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the words of wisdom. This is surely one of my favorite updates.
I have been dating a guy for a little over 7 months and we have been absolutely great together and so happy. I have no doubt in my mind that he likes me a great deal. However he just got out of a 20 year marraige that initially had been over the last 2 years of their time. So he broke it off with me because he says he is not ready to commit and doesn't want to be unfair to me but that he does really like me its "just him not me". So I have started the NC rule and actually the only time I did try to contact him was when he initially text me this news and I said I'd rather talk in person over this disicion, only because I feel like texts have no emotions and its easier to say whatever you want rather in person you can say one thing but your reaction will tell me another (for example I would be able to tell if he was hiding his feelings over his words) but after he agreed to meet the following day to talk I just never text him to follow up and neither did he. It has only been 2 days but in 30 there is a wedding both of us will be at. What do you think?
Original Comment
Apply no contact for 30 days. Make positive changes in your life. Get a new look. Meet him at the wedding. Blow his mind away.
[10 Years Update]
Wow haha totally random.
We are now been together 10 years and married 3 with kids!
We went to that wedding together and we did a whole lot of traveling and had so much fun before our children.
Between covid, kids and a New career path, traveling slowed down.
I cannot tell you how we got back together, knowing myself I probably took initiative, it's always been hard for me to do the no contact thing.
He is 17 years older than me so that was a harder than usual decision to make for both of us, it was all new territory and difficult to navigate with society, family and friends. So I'm not sure what help I'll be lol
Wow. I am so happy for you. I am glad it worked out. Thank you so much for replying.
Dear Kevin ,
I've posted a comment earlier but it's not showing up on the website ...
Since then my situation has changed , i applied no contact for about a week and my ex instant messaged (whatsapp) me saying : i love you . It's so hard not to talk to you . I hope you're having a good weekend . I replied , saying i love her too but i jokingly said : you couldn't just say how are you , in an effort to lighten up the conversation .We talked for a bit and it was fun she made some references to the future :when i see you again then blabla . But the only serious statement she made was : i want to be with you but there's too much going on in my head .
I know this statement usually means that she still can't commit herself and it's likely she still misses me and just can't go cold turkey with me when it comes to no contact . Or she just wanted her ego to be stroked .
The funny thing is that i follow her on tumblr (she doesn't know this) and i could just tell how much she was hurting the past week , posting things like : can i tell you a secret i still love you , missing you comes in waves tonight i'm drowning , i'm sorry i pushed you away , i'm scared of you breaking my heart etc .
I really don't know what to do , i really wanna play it cool and just keep it light and build attraction . But i'm scared she ' s gonna string me along again , like the past 2 months before no contact . But if i say i need more space , i'm scared she'll really move on this time .
Because essentially nothing has changed , she loves me but she has too many issues . She has been depressed for the past 2 months , barely leaving her house , not really talking to friends , let alone meeting them . Not your typical :i need space and then goes out to flirt with tons of guys to see if there's anybody better out there.
Should i initiate a friendly meeting later this week and in the meanwhile keep talking and building attraction or say :nothing has changed , let's give eachother some more time to think .
Thanks in advance !
[Original Comment]
Hey,
Since you've been trying the same thing for the past 2 months, I think it'll be a better idea to tell her you need space and time and do no contact.
[10 Years Update]
Hi,
It's a surprise to get this email for sure . I remember looking forward to emails from you. They were very helpful during that time of my life.
As for what happened with this ex, we got back together around six months after this comment . After this, we didn't talk to each other for like 2-3 months .
But once we started talking again after those 2-3 months, things were much better . I was in calm mental space and she was also much more stable . We got back together after a few months and have been together since then . There have been ups and down but that period apart made our bond stronger because we both know that we are for each other .
Thank you again for your help during that time of my life.
Hi Jake,
Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it. In your initial comment, you were wondering if you should ask her to give you space. Did you ever do that? Also, after the 2-3 months of not talking to each other, who reached out first?
I am asking these questions because our readers will be interested in knowing that. If you can't answer them, I completely understand.
I don't think I ever told her to stop contacting me . But I remember we both just stopped talking for a while . We didn't talk to each other for like 2-3 months . And then one day we just started talking . I don't remember who reached out first . It was probably her because she was the one who stopped contacting me . But I spoke to her after getting your email and she says I was the one who reached out first . So I am not sure who it was .
I hope that helps .
Thank you for replying Jake.
Me and my exboyfriend have been dating for 10 months, but we had a lot of argument the past 2 months and he basically broke up with me stating that he couldn't get over the fact i wouldn't give up a relationship with a friend i spent a trip with (which nothing happened between us) and that i never loved him back the same way he did nor he felt loved or complete, saying i was unconsidered and ignorant about his feelings. After many discussions on how we could fix our relationship, he decided to give up although i refused to let him go and i insisted to work on us. At the end i couldn't convince him.
So, after breaking up i stupidly offered myself to became FWB in which he refused so i told him to exchange the stuff we have from each other. He didnt reply back to that, so i decided from there to start the 'no contact rule'. He replied to me after but i haven't yet because i started the challenge.
My question is, should i keep on the 'no contact rule' or should i make the exchange of stuff and start no contact rule from the top? Or wait till no contact rule ends and bring the exchange as an excuse to start conversation?
Thankyou.
[Original Comment]
This would be entirely up to you, but personally I would recommend completing NC before exchanging your belongings.
Alright, its been already over more than 30 days of no contact rule. None of us talked to each other since we broke up. And we actually saw each other on the street once, and we exchanged a warmth smile. Im still thinking about the excuse of my getting my stuff back from him, to see him. I thought of something like this " Hey, I'm sorry i couldn't contact you earlier about my stuff (because our last convo ended in which he wanted to know which things i needed that he would send them over to mine). Do you think we can meet to get them back? Or if you don't wanna see me, i'll give you my address."
Im not sure about my idea, sounds more like i really moved on or wanna move on. I read your suggestions of texting but i really have no clue what to say, i feel like id look stupid to contact him again, idk, i don't want him to think something like "why is she texting me now?"
[6 Years Update]
Hi Kevin,
I will gladly answer your questions.
First of all, it didn't bring any painful memories. In fact, looking back now it wasn't so bad compared to the next 2 heartbreaks I had after the one from this story haha I guess I have to say that this whole "get back with your ex" thing doesn't work for me and it has never worked (I have tried each time in every relationship, somehow)
What happened with your ex? Did you move on? Did you get back together?
We literally just lost contact. I didn't even remember that he ever texted me to give me back my stuff but I remember now that I never replied back to him. We saw each other once with the girl he cheated on me with in the streets and we ignored each other, no eye contact at all. Of course I've had moved on. It took me some time to realize that he was a narcissist manipulator and I am happy for the lessons I have learned throughout this relationship and most importantly, how much I have grown.
Can you share any valuable lessons you learned?
I do recommend anyone interested in trying to get their exes - to actually try to get them back. I believe no contact rule is the best thing you can do to actually process the breakup and work on yourself. Luckily to me, each time i went through that stage, I have only realized how better off I was without them.
What advice would you give someone going through a similar situation?
You should never chase anyone. Love is free. If you truly love someone, you would let them go - for what love is to let that person be happy, even if it means not having you in their lives. Specially if you are a woman, remember: ovums don't chase sperms. So follow the rules of nature. A man that truly loves you will be the one chasing you. Regardless of gender, if you find yourself trying to chase somebody, know that is a sign of lack of self love and you shall work on that first. The biggest form of love is the one you give to yourself.
PS: I know my answers might be contradictory to the philosophy of your business but these is what I have learnt after trying to "get my ex back" in 4 different relationships 🙂 If i ever get back to any of these exes in the future tho, i will let you know haha in the end, you never know what might happen 😋
Thank you so much for the reply and your insights. They are very helpful. Our business philosophy is to empower people going through a breakup who want their ex back. And your answer fits right in with our philosophy. Thank you again.
Also, in your original comment you didn't mention that he cheated on you with that girl. Is that something you found out later?
It also seemed like he was the one who was accusing you of cheating and being unfaithful. It's interesting that he was the one who cheated and you think he was a Narcissist manipulator. I guess cheating and hypocrisy goes hand in hand. I would love to hear more about this.
Hi Kevin,
Im happy to share (or gossip about it haha)
Yeah my friends at the time kept warning me that guys who ask their partners to stop seeing male friends are most likely to cheat on them first. So they were right. The worst was that he made me the villain.
He cheated on me with a coworker of his that i have previously met. When he told me he wanted to meet with her alone because "they had so much in common and shes so fun" i expressed my insecurity and did not approve of them meeting alone. Like, u can meet with the whole working team but why do you have to meet her alone?
2 weeks after our breakup i caught them together a few times (its funny how life makes you witness those situations in such a short time in a row). First a saw them walking together around 1 am, then i saw them on a morning coming out from a hotel spa, then in 2 months he started posting her on social media (not to mention he never posted me).
But im glad i found out this only after our breakup and not while were together. Since we werent together anymore i couldnt care less. I have a good reaction towards cheating anyways - i can only feel disgust. So seeing the person he actually was helped me to move on very quickly hehe
Hope it was interesting? Haha
Very interesting. Thank you for sharing
Dear Kevin.
I have been dating this guy for 3 years. Then about four months ago I started suspecting he was cheating on me with some girl he met in a whatsapp group we share. When I kept confronting him about his flirting with her, he denied it, till he eventually dumped me two weeks ago, saying he doesn't have feelings with me anymore.
It's clear he is dating her, am not being paranoid. I have not texted him since the breakup, which was through a chat. Do you think there is a chance it could be serious? Did I lose him a long time ago and should just move on? Please advise.
[Original Comment]
Hi Rosa,
Speculation may not give you any closure or information. If you guys have been dating for 3 years, it's highly likely that he truly loved you but something may have happened along the way. Firstly, give yourself some space and adopt the no contact rule. At the end of it, if you still feel that you want him back, I suggest you have an honest conversation with him about it.
[7 Years Update]
Well........
As it turns out, he was seeing another woman and she was pregnant with his child. He did brake up with me, and I did not fuss about it. The breakup was via messaging, and I acknowledged it and cut off contact. It went something like: "I am no longer interested in you or this relationship. So am ending it. Please don't contact me again." I replied with "This is noted. Thanks for the good times we had. I wish you the best."
Two weeks into the breakup he sent me a very long message. The message was significantly, and I mean really significantly long. And in it he was explaining to me how he never meant to hurt me and how he will always love me and will never forget me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wishes things were different, bla bla bla. I never replied to the message, but it gave me a sense of satisfaction, a journey to acceptance and healing for me. I had spent those two weeks crying nonstop. The message brought that to an end. It was very therapeutic. I was later told by a mutual friend he wrote it while at the airport waiting for his flight.
Never once did he mention the other relationship or the child. A few months into the breakup, we met at a mutual friend's wedding, and we we were amicably nice to each other, and we indeed ended up having quite a good time together. We spoke about everything minus our private lives. Our friends said we looked like we weren't broken up. About seven months into the breakup, he reached out asking me how I am doing. He also reached out on my birthday with a birthday message and a present through his brother. Now years down the road, I can say, we are not friends. We are not strangers either. But every couple of months he does message me, and I do reply. And that's it. And yes, I got over him, but healing took me about two years honestly.
What advice I would have for someone going through a similar situation?
My advice would be, let it go. Just let it go. Don't push it. Don't push for answers. All you will get are lies. I truly think letting it go, which is an equivalent of silence treatment in a way is the best way to go. Otherwise if they come back on your begging or whatever it is you do, they will not respect you in that relationship, and it will not necessarily be a fulfilling one.
I hope this provides some of the feedback you were hoping for.
hank you so much. This is great feedback and I am happy that you got over him. Two years to fully heal surely feels like a lot of time. But I guess some breakups are just not easy to heal from. If it's not too much trouble, I would like to ask you a couple more questions.
In hindsight, could you have done something to heal faster from him?
Now that you have healed, are you dating someone new? Have you found a new relationship or rather a better relationship?
Hi Kevin,
Honestly, I was not sure whether to reply or not. But anyway, here I am…
Two years to fully heal surely feels like a lot of time..
I totally agree with you. 2 years was a long time. During that period a male friend of mine said to me, “Rosey Rose, the first time is a bitch. But as you keep dating, eventually you get to a point where it takes you just a few days to get over someone, and you gather yourself and get back out there and get into another one. You will be okay after this one.”
So, yes. 2 years is a very long time when I think back. Way toooooo long. I don’t want to justify it in any way, but I will try to maybe give you an understanding as to why it could have taken me that long: I grew up a tomboy. Even with a lot of interested parties around me, I somehow stayed unexplored. Big mistake. I went through it much later, when I was way wiser and calculative. My ex was my first. And he was extremely amazing the way he went about it. Probably why it took me long to get over him.
In hindsight, could you have done something to heal faster from him?
Maybe. Maybe not. But I would not have it any other way. I did not lose my dignity, empathy, humility or humanity. Neither did I lose my interest in or respect for men in general, nor hope in love. I still believe in it. Strongly in fact. But I learnt that it is so easy to move from lovers to strangers in a blink of an eye. And it made me more protective of myself. I However got to appreciate how strong I am, and I got to realise how worthy I am.
Now that you have healed, are you dating someone new?
You make it sound like it was only yesterday. It feels like it was decades ago!!! Anyway, at the moment, no. Dating is emotionally exhausting. I have tried to but unsuccessfully, due to a lot of factors... I am single and don’t mind being single.
Have you found a new relationship or rather a better relationship?
Not yet. But I believe as long as men live, I will. I am an amazing girl (from what I hear 😎), and there are amazing men out there also looking and hoping for someone out there, something different, something worth the trouble. Not something perfect, but something different.
I hope your questions are fully answered.
Rose.
Hi Rosa,
Your reply is very insightful. More than I could have ever hoped for. I apologize if my questions were insensitive or intrusive. My intentions were to provide insights for our readers who are going through a hard time. And you delivered. So thank you. And just from this email alone, I agree, you are an amazing girl. :)
Good luck with everything, and I wish you all the best in life.
Thanks Kevin.
And no need to apologize, the questions were fine, just unexpected.
Good luck with your work, I hope it helps others get luckier in their relationships.
I have done everything possible to mess up in this break up and now he has me blocked from everything and says never again. How do you repair that? Is it possible?
[Original Comment]
Start no contact for 60 days. Hopefully, he'll unblock you after that.
[10 Years Update]
Interesting. No we did not get back together. It was brutal and destroyed me for a long time. I realized i am attracted to narcissists even maybe sociopaths. It was my need to be loved and valued but with time i found that within myself
I appreciate you replying very much. I am sorry you had to go through that pain. But I am happy to hear that you have reached acceptance within yourself.
The ex is 21 and i'm 27
Basically the girl i dated ended things with me to go back to her ex. I'm very confused because I dont know if i was the rebound or is he? they dated on and off for a few months but she dated me for a year and gave me her virginity but i didn't make her my gf because i didnt feel comfortable being in a relationship yet but we were exclusive the whole time. She dated me in july 2017 after breaking up with her ex in april 2017.
[Original Comment]
It's a little hard to tell for certain and it would depend on who she feels more connected to at the end of the day. Based on the situation though, there's a possibility that you were the rebound, because even though she gave more to you, she still felt connected enough to her ex to end up leaving the relationship to be with him.
[5.5 Years Update]
Basically I followed the programme for as much as I could even writing the letter. But she wasn’t really budging and I went on a trip to the Caribbean and met another girl there who had a fling with but that ended. My ex called me maybe a week after the fling ended to reconcile things after breaking it off with her ex.
We got back together but while in the relationship I realised that this wasn’t for me as she was very toxic at the time and unloading emotions onto me as well as attacks on my character so I broke it off with her. She phoned me a year later trying to reconcile again but I was seeing someone else at the time. I tell from the phone call she had really worked hard to change herself and get back with me but she had only done it in the effort to get back with me which didn’t feel right to me. I told her she should do these things for herself and love herself first. She told me she just wanted me to be happy and hung up. She tried to call back after but I let the call ring out. She blocked my number after. I haven’t heard from her since.
Though I learned a lot from that situation it seems I’ve found myself back in another break up with another woman but this time where the dating was short just over two months but the emotions were strong at least for me. So I’m hoping this time around I get a better outcome or resolution like last time.
Thanks Kevin for the help all those years ago. It took me out of a sunken place. Life wasn’t the best at the time but those exercises did help bring up at least from that relationship.
Thank you so much for replying and giving an update on your situation. It's very helpful and I wish you the best in getting your ex back and keeping her in a healthy relationship this time.
My ex and I somewhat mutually decided that we would break up and that, after a major life event on January 15th passed, we would chat again.
Assuming she was serious and not just placating me, I agreed that there would be no contact for 6 weeks.
But I am cracking. I am desperate to reach out, to know if she still loves me, thinks about me misses me, or even gives a shit?
The silence is killing me and everyday that I wait feels like a day that she slips farther away and forgets me a little more. We have only been separated 7 days and I really just want to reach out and say hi. I feel compelled to tell her I still love her and that I miss her...I don't want to beg and I am sure it will still sound needy but I cant fight it.
[Original Comment]
[4.5 Years Update]
Hey there.
Your timing is perfect, if not a bit odd. My ex and I eventually drifted apart. There a couple hard months after that. Cut to now; I’ve not heard from or, to be honest, really even thought about her for nearly four years until last week. I’ve since gotten married, bought a house, and moved away to a place my ex and I always loved visiting. Any way, last week as my wife and I were shopping, who should show up in that same store but my ex. At first I was a bit disoriented.
Then I recalled all the long anxious, sad, depressed nights I spent missing her…then I looked at my beautiful wife and the life I had built with her over the last four years and suddenly this ex, this person I would have killed to run into four years prior, was just another stranger in a grocery store.
Thank you so much for sharing the story. It's inspiring and will be a beacon of hope for men in similar situations. Can I ask one more question? You said in your initial comment that you wanted to reach out and tell her that you love her and miss her. Did you ever do that? Or did you implement strict no contact?
I ask because this is the stuff most people going through similar situations obsess about. I understand that right now it may seem trivial to you. But for someone going through the same thing, this information can be very helpful.
I did not reach out. I respected our agreement.
Thanks a lot.
Be well
My girlfriend of 5 1/2 years requested a break out of the blue. Two weeks later she wanted to break up. We live together and have a dog. She suffers from severe anxiety occasionally. We both work from home and it is a small space. In the interest of respect for her request for space, I volunteered to move out. I crashed at my sisters spot for a couple months. In that time, I've made every mistake you outlined in your five step program and driven her further away from me. We attempted a couple dates over the last couple months but she canceled our last date telling me she was seeing someone else. It should also be said that we had discussed engagement, children, home ownership. We have a joint bank account, dual ownership in vehicles, both names on our lease and a dog together. She and I went ring shopping with my grandmother.
I am having a hard time accepting her move away from this relationship as anything but a rash one. I was sick of not living at home so I moved back and she is moving out. She is coming by tmrw to pick up her remaining things. I don't want to beg but I am going to encourage couples counseling sessions and try to get her to see the positives in the relationship but ultimately I am emotionally drained from fighting for this union. She is baby crazy and really wants marriage. I fear if I don't intervene, she will run into this other man's arms and rush into a marriage and children. She and I Spent so many years building a proper foundation and I feel that time and commitment isn't being respected. Do you have any advice for how I should handle seeing her tmrw? Is it wrong that I demand ownership of the dog? I don't want to appear manipulative.
[Original Comment]
Hi Ben,
I am sorry you are going through this. I am late to reply to your comment and I hope the meeting went well. I think you should do at least a month of no contact. I know you are afraid of her moving on, but not giving her space is just going to push her further away. By giving her space, you will make her miss you and second guess her decision. You need to heal, both emotionally, physically and mentally before you contact her again. And to attract her again, you need to be the best version of yourself.
[7 Years Update]
Its funny you should reach out when you did.
Happy to give update
We never got back together.
The breakup was hard and traumatizing in a lot of ways. What came to light after the post I made on your site, is that she had already been seeing someone else. What felt sudden to me, was not sudden to her. She broke up with me and moved to a new city within a couple weeks. She ended up marrying her new boyfriend and now have two children together. All my hopes of counseling and relationship repair was a lost cause and wasted energy. Though, at the time I had no way of knowing that. There are things about how I handled the break up that I would do differently. But I only say that now, in hindsight. In the moment, I don't think I could have handled the break up any other way than I did. Everyone copes differently. Everyone processes at their own pace.
When dealing with traumatic interpersonal changes, there are no right or wrong answers. There is no one answer that works for everyone. The important thing to remember is that there are two people involved, neither of whom are able to read minds. The thoughts need to be said directly or they will likely go unnoticed.
There is no way around the hurt. I had to walk straight through it. The sooner I faced it head on, the sooner I began to move past it.
We share a lot of very close mutual friends, so I've been kept up to date with the changes in her life and she with the changes in mine.
Since our breakup - I refocused on work, picked up some new accounts and expanded my company to a national footprint. Prior to the pandemic I relocated temporarily to Hawaii to explore more contracts and ended up staying on Kaua'i through the pandemic, where I currently still reside. I have moved on with a girlfriend, new dogs, house, etc.
It is funny that you should reach out now because one of our very close mutual friends that was a support system for both of us through our break up recently passed away unexpectedly. April 26th - the day prior to the funeral - was the first time my ex and I were in the same room together since the break up and the first time I had met her new boyfriend, now husband.
Any hard feelings or awkwardness is long gone from my side of the coin. I cannot speak to her situation of course. The occasion felt like a bit of closure from that time of life.
Thank you so much for sharing the update and the insights. Your advice will be very helpful to someone going through a similar situation. I appreciate it very much.
Hi Kevin,
Firstly, thank you for this – I loved reading it and it has given me a lot of perspective. I wanted to share my story and hear your thoughts.
Until recently (2 weeks actually) I had been with my husband for almost four and a half years. We have been married for almost two and a half years. We never argued and were perfect until earlier this year when he showed signs of depression – which we later realised that it was because he was going through bereavement for losing his mum end of 2012. I was waiting for it to hit and it took more than a year. He was really struggling to deal with it – said he was unhappy and didn’t know why. Anyway, I couldn’t believe it and did every single thing that I think I wasn’t supposed to (email, messages, calls, endless talking) and basically made myself unattractive, needy and desperate. It was the panic of losing him that pretty much turned me into a nut job!
Ok, so two Sundays ago, he said he wants to end it – said he loved me and was attracted to me but did not want ‘us’ anymore. He said he wanted us to be friends and hang out – to which I totally agreed because I was still in that panic state. But great advice from friends put some wisdom in me. I seized all communication. I didn’t even tell him. I am close to his sister – so she told me that she had to explain to him that I needed space. And he kept saying ‘but she said it was ok to hangout’. The first week he sent a text saying that he is coming over and I said I had plans. Later on that week he sent another text saying ‘how about we hang out on Friday’ and I said ‘I will let you know when I am ready to hang out’. Didn’t stop him from sending another text on Saturday – that I ignored. He has stopped texting so that’s good. But he keeps asking his sis for updates on me. I met up with her on Saturday and we had a lovely long chat (not all about him, mostly fun stuff and old relationships). She said she cannot make head or tail of what’s going on with him. But he just keeps to himself (he, the sis, her bf and dad live in the same house up the street from our flat).
Anyway, first week was tough, first weekend was kinda worse, second week it got better, the weekend was worse than the first weekend. This is the third week and I am feeling better. Still a bit empty and lonely but I am dealing with it.
Now this is interesting. Before the break up, I ordered him something that he wanted. It is a soft toy that he was trying to get in the arcades because he is obsessed with this cartoon (he works in a school so gets influenced by the kids sometimes). Anyway, I gave it to the sis to take it over to him and he wanted to call me to thank me or send a text and was asking her advice... then he asked her if he sent a text, would I reply and she said ‘probably not’. And he went ‘oh..’ not the happy ‘oh’.
The other thing that I offered is as I am working and it is term break, I have offered for him to spend a couple of week days in the flat (which I have super cleaned! It was getting really messy towards the end of our relationship). His dad’s place is quite small and the dad and sis’ bf works from home – so I thought that would give him a bit of space. As long as I don’t see him or interact with him, that’s fine. I have my own routine when I get back anyway. Anyway, I was hoping that this will help give him some perspective in terms of what he can have.
I am going to keep this up for over the 30 day period. Because firstly, this will go on till after term break and after that, his sis and bf are on holiday for three weeks. This will leave him alone with his dad – who is accustomed to the sis doing everything in the household. So that might give him more perspective when he is expected to pick up the slack. He kinda had the good life with me because I did everything and looked after him really well. Pampered him too much maybe.
But you are absolutely right! The cutting off communications has worked for me – meaning me getting over the panic stage and thinking about things that make me happy, catching up with friends and finding myself.
Bereavement when a son loses his mother can be a life changing event. He was not seeing clearly and I was not helping. I am hoping (along with the rest of the family) that he comes to his senses and see that he is giving up on the best thing that happened to him..
Do you think, with the right distance and space, he will come to his senses?
Thanks Kevin!
[Original Comment]
Yes, there is a chance he will. I think you are handling everything very well. All the best.
[10 Years Update]
I completely forgot that I wrote this. I suppose I didn’t want to have a failed marriage and wanted to some how make it work. It’s been over 10 years and I’ve moved on. I actually moved on not too long after writing that – 26 April 2014 to be exact! I joined MeetUp groups to get away from people I know asking after me. I just wanted to have normal conversations with people who didn’t know that my husband walked out on me and everything I was dealing with.
On one of those meetings I met my current boyfriend, moved in with him 10 months after and we’ve been together since.
I did move on too quickly and there were other guys interested in me and I was starting to feel confused. I decided to sign up for a divorce course held at a church not too far from where I lived and attended those sessions to try and deal with all of it, the rejection and the fear of being rejected again. It helped. And being in a room where everyone felt the same… you can explain it to people but unless they are going through it or have gone through it… it’s just not the same.
We did have a rocky period during lockdown and things almost ended but we managed to weather through it and recently made it to 10 years together.
Here’s what I have to share for the points below.
Any new developments or changes in your perspective regarding the breakup and getting back together.
I learnt very quickly that it wasn’t for us and there was no use trying to hold on to something that didn’t exist anymore
When someone has lost the love they once had for you, you need to think about yourself and your happiness and try your best to move on
Key lessons learned since the last comment.
I was lucky that I realised quickly that it was time to sever ties and move on and taking that 30 day break was the start of making that happen
I should have taken time to properly grieve before jumping into a new relationship. I learnt that even if you’re dating someone new, and it’s all nice and happy, that underlying pain is still there and needs to be dealt with
Advice you might share with someone facing similar circumstances.
When my husband wanted to leave me, I was in denial, and I kept sending him messages that he sent me when we first started dating. He did not feel that way anymore. You need to understand that it can happen. People fall out of love and there isn’t anything the other person can do
If someone wants to leave or take a break, just let them. It gives you a chance to think about what you want and how you want to be treated by a life partner. If they still want to end it then it’s time to let them go
If that happens, allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad – you need to get this out of your system before starting something new with someone else.
Every relationship and person is different so don’t expect someone new to be like your ex – accept them for who they are and how they are
Hope this helps?
This helps a lot. It's very insightful and helpful for someone going through a similar situation. Thank you so much for sharing.
I don't understand why he is so angry and mean to me. He lost his temper over nothing. Then I found out about another girl (many years ago and we where in a different phase) plus drug use. I haven't said anything awful just that I wanted to be left alone. He had already told me he hates me and to burn in hell (seriously? ) but keeps contacting me. He is angry every time he texts. I told him how destroyed I was feeling and nothing. Just anger. So I said it was all too much and I just wanted to be left alone. (Which BTW is one of his signature phrases so I thought it was good to put it that way). And he keeps saying hurtful things. He is so angry. I cannot believe the lack of empathy in him. Like I told him the new info broke my heart. And he ends with "leave me alone too then I didn't really want to see you anyway". (I have been leaving him alone. Although not ignoring him when he messages. ). I'm so confused. Why is he being mean to me ??
[Original Comment]
Hey Pam,
Ignore him when he messages. He will go through phases of anger, neediness, desperation and perhaps will go overboard to try to make you jealous and hurt you more. But he will eventually calm down.
If you want, you can warn him beforehand that you will be doing this. Tell him that you need space and time and if he messages or contacts you again, you will ignore him. And if you feel the need to do so, you are free to block him as well.
[8 Years Update]
Hi the guy is an epic asshole. Danced around for another 2 years while he hid another PREGNANT girlfriend from me.
My advice would be to any woman - **** that guy and move on. I met the complete opposite and fell in love and married someone else and moved to Europe. The only pain I feel reading that is for myself and the time wasted but it brought me to where I am. So all sensational! AND I STILL GET TEXT MESSAGES!! 🤣 all friendly now. He’s broken up with the baby mamma, moved in with someone else and now broke up again.
You need to make a page about identifying malignant narcissists or just plain assholes if you really want to help people. My biggest advice is watch how a man gets along with his mother and an intact or happy family usually makes a better man.
Anyway thanks for that look back! My life couldn’t be any different now. Blissfully happy.
Yup, I was already planning on updating the page and including information on identifying a toxic relationship and narcissists. Thank you so much for sharing. [Note to readers: Information on identifying a Toxic Relationship or a Narcissist is now one of the first thing on this page]
Do you mind sharing any additional advice on what helped you move on from him? Did you implement strict no contact once you realized he had been lying to you again? Did you do any self-improvement work that helped give you the confidence to move on? Did you gather support from friends and family?
Thanks again for sharing. I appreciate it and it will help a lot of readers going through similar situations.
Yes a commitment to personal development. I started a business and was wildly successful earning trips etc. Eventually started feeling pity for him lol. Once you no longer have someone on a pedestal it really shifts. Women need to find their own inner validation and trauma bonds are real.
About watching how a man gets along with his mother, I just remembered an anecdote. When my wife and I started dating, she was about to call it off because she thought I was just playing. However, before she made that decision, she overheard a phone conversation between my mom and me. She thought I was very respectful to her (which I always am) and it made her reconsider. She decided to give our relationship more time and we eventually got happily married.
So, your advice definitely has some weight. Thanks again for sharing.
THIS SYSTEM WORKS. This is an excellent step-by-step guide to regaining your ex and your confidence. I found this site a year ago after a pitiful "How do I get my ex back?" Google search.
For everyone out there in the NC Zone, I want to add one thing: DO NOT, FOR ANY REASON, LOOK AT THE EX'S FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER, TUMBLER, VINE, ETC. If they haven't deleted you, delete & block them. Checking out the ex's FaceBook page is certain to end with you feeling depressed, hurt, and hopeless. To some, the idea of deleting and blocking the ex from your social media may sound harsh. Remember, this is the person that broke your heart and walked away from everything you shared. Right now, they don't care. Besides, this is FOR YOUR benefit, not theirs.
While in the NC Zone, give your FaceBook/Instagram a makeover. You're eating healthy, working out, you changed your hairstyle and got highlights, you've reconnected with old friends, maybe made a few new ones, and you've gone on a few casual dates. You look amazing! You've risen above the self-pity and taken control of your life! Be proud of that! Take tons of selfies, take pics with your friends, take a pic with a hot guy/girl you met. Post those babies proudly! Post inspirational quotes. Spend a weekend in Vegas with your best friend, take a zillion pics, & create a new album.
Once you've successfully graduated from the NC Zone, unblock the ex from all your social media. Set everything you want them to see to "public." DO NOT send the ex add requests or friend requests; believe me, you'll get ones from them. The ex will be blown away when you suddenly reappear on FaceBook, looking gorgeous, fit, and healthy, and, if your ex is anything like mine was, stunned that you didn't curl up and die.
This system worked for me. My ex-boyfriend, who had quite cruelly dumped me because he "needed to go in a different direction." I had no idea the break-up was coming; it was devastating. We'd been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. Yes, he came back to me. But I didn't want need him anymore. You see, during the NC Zone, which was 60 days for me, I worked out like a fiend (it was the only thing that took the pain away,) started seeing a therapist, and reached out to the friends I had previously neglected- my relationship with my ex was very codependent- and several close friends had been nearly lost as a result. I visited my best friend in Hawaii, and spent a week lying on the beach and hiking the amazing waterfalls of Hawi. I went to Vegas with 3 of my girlfriends, and we'd so much fun. That was the thing- I had previously made my boyfriend the center of my life. I had forgotten about me. And I had a huge surge in confidence after losing 15 lbs and realizing I had a better body at 27 then I did at 17.
[Original Comment]
Hey Kellie,
Thanks a lot for your comment and sharing your story. I appreciate it.
Hey I really need some advice, my girlfriend of 2.5 years suddenly decided to end it just after university started. She said she had to focus more on herself and grow up on her own than put energy into our relationship. I think the reason is that I was too insecure and controlling, I would help her with everything and hardly have her any breathing room. I let myself go and wasn't the man I could have been too her and she lost attraction. The first couple of days were really tough but I really started to work on myself. I'm doing no contact for 30 days then I'm going to figure out how to win her back. Do you have any personalised advice to help me?
[Original Comment]
[4.5 Years Update]
Crazy way to wake up in the morning lol. [on reading my old comment]
I eventually was able to move on from my ex after taking responsibility for all of my actions and understanding how lacking as a person I was.
My best advice to people going through a similar situation to me is to not look at all of the things the other person did wrong as you cannot change them. Take sometime with yourself, go for long walks and hikes and really think of all of the areas you are lacking in, then go to improve them. Join a gym, confide in your friends for advice, start meditating and reading philosophy.
Nowadays I am doing fantastic, I am in the best shape I have even been in, I have my dream job, and I have my fair share of women to choose from. Building myself up and taking responsibility for my actions while letting her go was the best thing I could have ever done with my life.
I hope this helps Kylie
Regards,
Rob
Hi Rob,
Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate the update and the advice. It will give someone going through something similar hope.
In your original comment, you wanted to try to win her back after doing 30 days of no contact. Did you ever try? Did you reach out to her? Any details of what happened at that time would be immensely helpful to your readers.
Hey Kevin,
I did try to win her back after. We met up a few times to have coffee and run some errands together. I realized how much I needed to grow and work on myself in those 30 days and realized I wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I wanted nothing else than to get back together but I knew that wasn't the right decision. Best idea I have ever had was to realize this, step back, and improve myself.
Hi Rob,
Thank you for sharing. It must have taken a lot of will power to let go of your ex. I am glad you were able to step back and realize this. Appreciate the reply.
My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for a year+ before he said he needed space (note it's a relationship of years) I initiated no contact for a month before he reached out to me.....after which we stopped talking for few days until it was my birthday, he contacted me again...even sent a cake, after then we've had casual conversations and even discussed about few personal issues recently but when I asked if he would like to give us another try, he said to put that on hold for now... I don't know what to do next. Am I to go no contact again?I don't want to be friend zoned. What do I do?
[Original Comment]
Remember that you have to take things slow and work on rebuilding attraction and trust first before you bring up the topic of starting a relationship again
Thanks for the reply,am willing to, but am afraid I might end up in the friend zone...am confused, i feel being friendly will make him friend zone me
[Five and a half Year Update]
I understand the need for the update and how it can help others in similar situations. I am glad to update you that I am currently married to the love of my life and even though I go back with my ex for a while after then I am happy it didn’t work out because he was taking other things and person over me.
I eventually walked away from the situation after he broke my heart again and I met my husband along the line after I had done some inner work and was over the pain to a large extent. Ultimately, I will always tell anyone going through such a phase to put themselves first in every way and make self love priority at all times. Don’t be an option!
Hey Kevin,
This really seems silly and would be the last thing I'd ever thought I'd do, but anyway.. Umm.. Me and My guy broke up because he found someone he feels "that's closest he has felt towards love" and funnily its hardly been 2 months of them meeting up.
He made out with me even after being in relationship with this girl. He wants me to stay friends with him. Tells me about the problems he has with her. Shows that he loves her. But tells me and her that I am the only person he's closest to and he trusts! Whatever does that mean? :@ I am not an egomaniac but I wouldn't go begging for him. Nor would I ever say I am miserable without him or bull shit. I do love him though (sigh!)
I told him I don't want to be "friends" with you. Because obviously I can't change my love with whom I've been kissing and god knows what into OMG my Bestie.. lets just hang around and discuss your life issues! that's ridiculous.
I feel sad about it though. I know I am hurting him (and yes I know he did it too!) AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh... 23 days of knowing it. 14 days of kissing him for the last time. 1 day of telling him that things won't work the way you want to.
Please help! i have no idea what I am doing. AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME. (Almost like I am really carrying all the Voldemort horcruxes with me!)
[Original Comment]
Follow the plan Sana.
so this guy doesn't look bothered :/ Can I ask some of my personal stuff that he has back?? Though I gave them as a gift! (I know asking a gift back is rude :P) I doubt if he misses me a tad bit.
Unless you really need that stuff, I would advise you don't contact him until you have healed from the breakup.
[9.5 Years Update]
Hi,
I was so surprised to see this mail. Your emails really helped me heal and move on. I took a long time to heal and I used to feel calm after reading your emails.
Almost a year later I met the guy I married eventually and now I feel so silly worrying about this guy who never respected me forget about loving me.
I realized it’s better to take the broken pieces of your heart, fix them and become someone with high value. I worked on myself, read more, exercised, spent a lot of time building my people.
I am much happier now. And that time of me building myself made me so much more confident! In hindsight that was a very good thing to happen with me. After 10 years now I think all that pain that I allowed him to cause, I wish I could go back and tell myself that this guy is not worth it. I am very happy in my life now.
I really thank you for your emails during those testing times.
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. I appreciate it very much.
My girlfriend and I are separated for almost 2 months now. At first she says its just a cool off kinda thing and that she only needs time but then I found out that shes already dating another guy. The odd thing is that during those 2 months we still constantly text and see each other which often results to me bursting out to her whenever the conversation gets heated. But then last night she decided that its time for us to go our separate ways. It really broke my heart and I was begging for her to not leave me. But then I realized that it will be better for me to move on. However, she still owes me some amount of money and we are paying some payments monthly that is still due to end for 2 more years. I think it will really be difficult for me to move on since we will still be seeing each other when she gives me the payment and even if she could just use money transfers, I even don’t want to see her name. What should I do? But I still want to get her back thou. And after im done with the no contact thing, what if shes already in a relationship? Can I still ask her to go out with me?
[Original Comment]
Hey,
Moving on isn't really about forgetting a person. Moving on is about accepting that the relationship didn't work out.
Oh, and if you want to win her back, you should contact her after no contact regardless of her relationship status.
[10 Years Update] Wow that was 10 years ago haha! We did get back together for a couple of months. But then I can feel that there is really a big change on her side. Eventually I found out that she is still in love with the other guy. I did break up with her this time but im still secretly hoping that she will eventually return to me. Then after several months I found out that she is already pregnant. Thats the time that totally feel that it is about time to fully let her go and that I just got no other choice but to move on. I also realized that im just using the money she owns me as an excuse for her to stay or choose me but then because I already know that she is already getting a baby I decided to forget about the money as well. Now they are already married and have 2 kids.
Lesson learned is that there is no point in exerting so much effort in trying to get back the person that has already decided to leave you. Just let them. If she decides to go back and you still want her then great but to be desperate in getting her back will just eventually backfire on you.
While moving on I was able to enjoy other things alone or with friends such as travelling to different places and countries. Gain the courage to change workplace and got lucky since the new workplace i found gave me a lot of wonderful opportunities. I dont have any feelings of hatred towards her anymore and wishing her all the best in life. I learn that it is better by thinking of our good memories together and not relaying on the bad ones. Life is short. Theres more to Life than love.
Thank you so much for the update. That's a very good perspective.
This website has been so helpful for me and I wanted to say thank you. I've been receiving the emails and they really help with my focus. I've worked really hard on my own progress and I'm trying to heal after relationship broke down. We were together 5 years and its HARD. Basically my insecurities really caused a toxic vibe throughout the relationship and I've done a lot of self esteem work to try and sort this for myself.
I sent the elephant in the room text explaining my personal growth, basically saying I know I'm strong enough to deal with anything life throws at me and explaining the therapy and self esteem work I'm doing. Made no mention of getting back together, kept it very much that I was apologising for my actions and how I was working on myself and focusing on improving myself for me. Said that I hoped things were good for him, asked about the dog and left it at that.
His response was
"you have nothing to be sorry for I'm glad you're working on your confidence. Hope everything goes well for you because you deserve it. Dog is still crazy and I'm ok"
I responded few hours later with lighthearted
"I'm glad dog is still crazy because he wouldn't be him otherwise lol. Thanks I do deserve to do well I know. Hope things are going well for you "
Now what ? Does his message sound hopeful? I was going to wait 7 days and then send memory text ?
Any advice would be very much appreciated we were together a long time and I feel as though I have the right mindset to achieve a good relationship with him, but also that I'd be absolutely fine if it didnt work out.
Thank you !!
[Original Comment]
[4 Years Update] Hi Kevin,
Thank your for your email.
I'd like to say that your site was invaluable during such a difficult period of my life.
My ex and I did end up getting back together for a short period but we ultimately ended for good a short time later.
This was a good result for me though as I now have the most wonderful partner who has been alongside me who treats me in the way I have always longed for.
Our relationship is one that I have always dreamt of and based on a mutual respect and deep love for one another and I am truly happy and secure.
I believe the growth work I did with yourself helped tremendously in recognising my own emotions and being confident of who I am as a person and validating my own needs, which ultimately led me to the relationship I have now.
It is 2 years together and counting and we are tremendously happy together so thank you for your help Kevin it really helped me find a happy healthy secure sense of wellbeing and a wonderful relationship with my new partner.
So I've been dating online, and it's just a long distance relationship(different country), Ik you gonna say it's stupid to be in it but I really want it. Sorry but yeah I really want. So we have been friends for 2 years (2017)and at the start she said she loves me and it was a joke then and since then I've liked her or maybe inlove. Idk why but I've had a really strong feelings for her since then and I still doo.. later. Then a month after had a fight and blocked me, never spoke but after 2months she texted me if "hi" and then had little talk for weeks and then no talk and again. A month later a talk and it happened for long time but this year she texted me and I had a really good talk then and she fell in love with me and we have been together for 5months but now in December she said she doesn't sees a future with me and maybe it will never work between us( maybe BC we used to argue and had lot of fights) and she said that we are different but she was the one to say she will love me till the day she dies and all she wants is me in her life and wishes to live with me forever and all. Like I am sure it wasn't a joke. She really loved me we've been together but we've had lot of fights and we argued alot just bc I was mad over a guy she talked on the internet and she was not giving me enough time ,she used to tell me he's just a friend and nothing more and one day she was ignoring me bad and I was sure she was talking to that guy and so I had a fight and we broke up that day .and so I didn't used my social media for 2 days and in those 2 days she has been texting me to get back and telling sorry and all but I didn't read and later when I was back she asked if we were over I told her if she wants then sure and she broke up with me saying she doesn't wants us together anymore but wants to be just friends and still loves me but I don't want to be just friend. And I don't know what to do. I'm going for no contact rule and as we used to talk daily so I read on the page to tell her that I need time and so won't be talking and so I did and had a nice talk and a farewell and since then I'm on a no contact.amd it's the 4th day. I was just wondering that what do you think about my situation? I really want her and I really hope it will work between us we we both want . And I want her back. I am going to grow and change my self in these days but just looking for your opinion too on it cause I really want her to be my life partner in future. I hope you understand and please tell me how to get her back?
Please!
[Original Comment]
Hey Jack,
You do have a chance but you need to work on your confidence and your communication skills. I talk about it in this article.
[4 Years Update]
Hey sorry for taking so long to respond .
So happy to hear from you and thanks for reminding me about my old comments on your website. Read my comments and laughed at my old self.
Well, alot has changed for me over the years. It has been so many years and now I don't even remember much about that person. I have completely moven on . Following the no contact helped me so much ,i swear people take this very casually but that the only thing that would work for someone dealing with a breakup. It teaches you to focus on yourself and when you are close to 30th day of no contact you have self realisation and start to see the reality about the dead relationship that you couldn't see while you were blindly in love with that person .
I have changed and grown so much . I did no contact for 1 months and then it continued for longer but my ex came back and thought i gave her another chance i was aware of what will happen again but this time the pain of breakup wasn't new and after second breakup i was totally okay losing the person i felt nothing. I started to get along with new people and dated a few people .
My current situation is I don't fall in love . I don't catch feelings for anyone. I have self love. But it's sad that now I can't fall in love ,i lost my innocence ,i lost the love in me. I have become a tough man now and it's okay, that's how life has built me and maybe that was the purpose after all love is not everything. We have a life and love is just a part of it.
Love yourself, make yourself happy , do what makes you happy , have fun , smile . Sadness and permanent, happiness is temporary , so find happiness in the little and enjoy life .
And my small advice , remember everything in life happens for a reason. You can't control everything in life.
A few things are controlled by the universe and it's for your betterment. So have faith and just accept all the pain and tough time in life. Just know everything will be fine . Just give yourself some time.
Thankyou
Thank you for sharing. I am happy to hear that you are doing well in life and have grown so much. Although, it's sad to hear that you feel you can't fall in love. Perhaps it's only because the right person hasn't come along yet. Maybe if you give yourself some time and allow it to happen, it will.
Hi, I did sexual activities on a really drunken night out with a girl and my girlfriend has found out, she says she’s done with me and has blocked me on all social media, ive begged pleaded and stated how sorry I am and it shouldn’t of happened and that I can’t change the past if only I could. This happened 48 hours ago I want her back more than anything and I do love her, just made a terrible mistake which has cost us and I do want her back, I know she still loves me, I don’t know what to do right now, I can’t speak as I’m blocked, but she also said that she could never be the same as I’ve broken her trust and she couldn’t work it out I need help.
[Original Comment]
[4 Years Update]
Wow such a long time ago now. From what I remember we got back in contact not long after and we tried to fix the bridges and we have it another go for 6 months then our relationship wasn’t the same. Just as Covid hit we went our separate ways, I moved on and so did she.
I’ve had a number of partners since but my current partner I have been with for 3 years now and we are madly in love and happy.
I was with the wrong person and I did silly things with the wrong person. Someone always gets hurt when your souls do not align. My advice to anyone who has felt the same or going through the same as I was, is that time heals all. When you think life is over it’s just something you need to learn from and move on. If you make a mistake then learn and move on from it, do not dwell in it.
Kind regards
Hi Chris,
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your wisdom. And congrats on your new relationship. It sure seems like you have found your person.
When you both got back in contact, do you remember who reached out first? Was it her or was it you? I ask because there is a lot of debate on the internet these days about who should reach out and your perspective can help a lot.
Hi there,
Thank you
It was a mutual thing. I think after these things happen I think there needs to be a cool off period to gather thoughts and process emotions.
Personally I think it depends on the person and circumstances on who reaches out to
Kindest regards
Hello! I need your help.
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months. The day after our 7-month anniversary, he broke up with me because he said he wanted to be alone, that the relationship didn’t make sense, and that we didn’t understand each other. Before this, about a month earlier, we broke up once, and the next day he wanted to talk and work on the things that weren’t going well. I made an effort, and from my side, things improved. But he said he tried to do his part and couldn’t do any more.
On the day we broke up, 6 days ago, I sent him the following and now im appliyng no contact rule:
“We deserved a different ending. I like you, and you’ll always be my person. But for now, and as your friend, I will continue to help and support you. I don’t want to drag this out or convince you of anything. I understand that you want to be alone, and alone I will leave you. I’m leaving the door open for you because, dreamer or not, I still believe in a relationship with you. I wish you a good day, and whenever you’re ready to talk or if you want to, I’ll be here. Thank you for everything.”
To which he replied:
“That was a beautiful message you sent. Thank you for that, and the same goes for you as a friend and support. For now, that’s what I need and want, sorry Dri.”
I like him and would like to be with him again, but I don’t know if waiting is healthy, especially because he didn’t ask me to wait for him, or said he doesnt love me anymore. Because i now he does.
And we have a trip booked for 21 of october… Should i go?
What Should i do? Should i move on?
Hi Adriana,
No, waiting for him is not healthy. There really is no guarantee that he will come back. The message you sent was good, but it's not always a good idea to leave the door open when the other person is walking out.
I don't think you should go on the trip either. Not unless he shows any signs of wanting to get back together before that.
Considering that you've already showed him that you can work on your issues, you should move on. It sucks, but this is the healthy road for you.
My gf broke up with me about 4-5 weeks ago. We have talked a few time in the time period. We have both said we would like to be in each other's lives but I'm not sure what that means. She said initially she was sorry she was not who I wanted her to be. I saw her for a bit last weekend and we had a nice visit and nothing more. Should I reach out again soon or wait a bit? Should I just talk to her once in a while or push forward a little more.
Hi,
You shouldn't talk to her for a while. I recommend at least six weeks. After that, if you still want her, then approach her. The idea is to give yourself time to understand if you really want her or if you are just going through breakup grief and withdrawal.
Hello! Me and my ex broke up about a week ago. I’m not sure how I’m dealing with it. We still live together and I’d like to try no contact and give her time to think about what she misses and not what she resents. Over time I got emotionally exhausted and lost my self respect. I’m starting to gain it back now and I’m trying to put myself In that healthy self improvement mindset. I feel like I need to get over what we had in order to start something new but it’s so so so hard to let go. I made her my world. She’s also kind of playing hot and cold? I had stayed with her mom a few days and didn’t talk to her much while I was there. The day I came home she was up late so I decided to check on her. It ended up being a hour and half long conversation of us talking about what went wrong. It was mostly me. We would talk about issues in the relationship and I would promise to fix them and it was just like false promises. So I definitely broke her trust. She says she feels like if I was gonna change I would’ve done it by now so she really thinks I won’t. That night she asked me to sleep in the room with her and I said no but laid with her til she fell asleep. Her wall is back up now and will occasionally come down a little. Please help me. I want my girl back.
Hi Devin,
Keep working on yourself and learn to communicate better. If she sees a change in your action, she will eventually open up. But you gotta show her the changes instead of just talking about it.
Yesterday my boyfriend (M25) officially broke up with me (F22). We were together for 3 years. We got into a big fight where I ended up saying some pretty mean things towards the end of June, I was upset that he wasnt putting as much effort into the relationship as i thought he should, which he decided that it was time to break up because he couldn't manage his new job (being a police officer) and that I wasn't understanding that being in a relationship. I begged for him back, to give it some time, things will blow over, I will try to be more understanding and it will make us stronger, and after a week, we were back together and he told me it was the last chance. The month of July passed by, he was still being distant, but I took that as he still needed time to get himself together and he was busy with work so he couldn't see and text me as much. Yesterday, I finally confronted him on it through text, and he said that we should break up because the feelings that he lost during the fight last month(20% of feelings) never came back and he didn't think they would, but he said he still loves me and that I am his first and forever love. He is still sending me snapchats, and he said that he will be a text or a call away. Honestly I am devastated and even with this I still don't think that we are supposed to break up, he is my soulmate and I think that his job is currently overworking him to the point that he let me go without thinking, but I am not sure if I am being delusional. Should I expect him to come back after giving him space, or should I move on? I am heartbroken and do not know how to cope.
Hi Jes,
Follow the advice in the article. Give him space and focus on yourself. If he comes back, great. If not, then you can consider reaching out if you still love him after a month or two. It sucks right now but it will definitely get better.
Thanks for the study, it's really interesting.
I find myself currently in the middle of the break up progress. I'm curious where I'll stand, let's say in 6 month.
Original Comment
[1 Year Update]
Well, long story short...
So, the break-up was 09/2022, the comment was probably 03/04-2023? Back then, I still had contact with my ex and tried to continue on a friendship basis. But honestly, my intentions were clearly on getting back together.
We've planned a trip to see our mutual friends on 05/2023 which hapenned at that time. The communication was ok, but of course colder towards me. It was three/fours days of being together and our friends. I did mention the day before departure my clear intentions with all respect and honesty. It was very emotional and after these words came out of my mind I felt better and our communication got better as well right at that time. I felt a sparkle of understanding and empathy....But it was all just a pity behavior. When I dropped my ex back home that next day. I said that I don't want to lose him and hope he reconsiders giving it a try with new servings on the table. He said, yes I'll think of it and we gave goodbye with a hug.
That was the last time I saw him, just two weeks later I texted with words if he had time to think things throught. His answer was " I'm sorry for the late answer, I've been busy and I have it on my agenda and spoke with few friends but I really haven't decided yet, I promise to get back to you" Two weeks later, after no communication, I blocked him on all social medias (yes I did check on him afterwards anyway).
I did leave a letter in his postbox with few words but never got an answer back. On my bdays, his whole family said their wishes, was very lovely, especially his grandmothers heart breaking letter, but never from him. Ending summer '23 I heard he met someone, and at the end of 2023 I noticed some pictures on social medias of him being happy with someone else. Since that, it got easier for me but it sure was a painful year.
Now I feel like 90% cured. I haven't met anyone catching my eyes and mostly end up refusing meeting someone else (not feeling the vibes) or sometimes being refused as well by others. Of course, the pain is still there, but now I feel much better then year ago. However, it was my biggest love and until I meet my true new one, hes not "completely" leaving my mind.
I'm aware of my mistakes and I´m not afraid to say, that I was very commited and fixated on him. He basically not only gave me love that I was in lack for, but family as well as mine's broken. That made it even harder. There are many question marks in my head I wish I knew the answers to. But all this quietness kinda answers them as well, its just hard to "take it" after seeing / knowing / idealizing the other one for 4,5y and losing him completely in your life.
Other then that, he seems happy and I wish him the best. I think he has no reason for me to wish the opposite and hopes the best for me as well.
Take care mr. Thompson
She blocked my phone and social media. She had owed me money for some things and she kept saying she would pay me back so I one day asked "When do you intend on paying me back?" She sent me half on Venmo and blocked me everywhere afterwards without even questioning how I got to the amount. The dilemma here is I had a gift for a person we looked at as a daughter figure I met through her. It was for the kid's graduation and birthday. I promised the kid I would give her the gift. What do I do with it? I admit I was getting frustrated as well because she kept flaking on me and picking hanging out with other friends over me. I feel I know where I went wrong but don't know the best course of action from here
[Original Comment]
[2 Years Update]
I somehow ran into her at the mall about a year later randomly we talked for a good bit. I could also tell that there was some regret when I got home an hour later that evening she sent me a text saying that it was good seeing me and slowly started talking. We didn’t get back together and granted I do want to get married, but I have my reasons for reservation.
My ex and I broke up 2.5 yrs ago and i was totally devastated. We just started talking again and i want him back im aware that he still needs to grow and so do i. Im just not sure how to proceed to make him grow fond for me again, should i wait for him to talk to me? Should i just text him? How often should i text him? And how do i ask him out obviously to build a friendship and then hopefully proceed into a a get back together path.
[Original Comment]
[3 Years Update]
We ended up sleeping with each other again but realized he was not ready to get into another relationship again. I felt like i wasnt respecting myself or giving myself the time to heal so i told him we cant do it anymore. We have stayed friends i have now moved on to another relationship - and have learned valuable lessons no matter how much you want your ex back if you feel like you are not respecting yourself then no matter what happens will not feel right, even if it is what you wanted.
Kind Regards
Mariana F.
My gf broke up with me for a month ago, I've been doin limited contact as we still live together and have a child. Im moving out in 2 weeks. However, I'm suspecting she's seeing someone else and trying to hide it from me. Judge yourself: she's going out "for a walk" at 7 pm on weekends and is gone for about 4 hours. I mean, it's dark and quite cold in the area we live in. When I express that I'm anxious that something would happen to her when she waks in the dark at this time, she does not say anything. I mean, I give her a chance to tell me that she is not alone. I suspect that she broke u with me not only because we had our problems but because she met someone new. How do I get her to confess? I mean, I feel hurt that even though she broke up with me, she does not tell me the truth even though we have been together for a very long time. Don't I deserve honesty at least?
[Original Comment]
[3.5 Years Update]
Hi Kevin!
As i feared, she monkey branched to a guy who had a family with 2 kids. They met each other in secret for some time until his wife filed for divorce.
After I moved out, I went through a deep depression , went on pills for about half a year. Then I stumbled upon the red pill movement, Pearl Davis, fresh n fit: they dragged me out of the shithole.
I managed to pull myself together, learned a lot about male female interaction rules, realised that women cannot love unconditionally like us men. I finished college and started working. I didn't have any gf since then which bothered me at first but I got used to it and value the piece in my life.
Our son lives half the time at my place. He's 11, I haven't told him what she did But still, he doesn't get along with his mom and I couldn't care less. I dont see her at all although we live a couple hundred meters apart; we have a very limited communicaton (messaging).
The advice I would give : don't chase women, build up yourself instead; make women qualify for ur attention bc ur are the price, not them. If it doesn't happen, like in my case, ur piece and comfort are of utmost importance regardless of the presence of a woman in ur life.
Sincerely
Hi, I did the NC for a month and he called me before I further my studies and moved to another town. We talked after that and he told me he missed me, he loves me but he said he’s traumatised to be in a relationship again but then I told him about my true feelings that I wasn’t ready to be friends with him as well and we decided to give space to each other. Does this mean I still have any chance with him back?
[4 Years Update]
Thank you for reaching out.
I did indeed get back with him a few months after the comment. However, we both broke up for good last year and move on with our lives.
I am currently in a relationship with a new person.
I don't remember what happened, but as far as I can recall from the past was that I learned my attachment styles communicated my needs with him. We were very young at the point of time so we did not think through what were our plans in life ahead. Therefore, we agreed that we are indeed on a different page in life.
Texted my ex on his birthday after two weeks of no contact. Just a simple "Happy bday". He replied with "Thanks **** :)" (**** is my nickname lol. He never called me that when we were dating, so I wonder why he used it now?). I think that's pretty encouraging, though. I was psyching myself up for a "Thanks" or "Thank u" or even "Thx". I'm glad he at least included my name and a smiley, even if it was just a tiny gesture. What do you guys think about that?
Thinking about asking him for music recommendations from his favourite band in a couple weeks time. Something like "Hey, do you still listen to [band]?". Then maybe when he replies I'll ask for his favourite songs or albums or something.
I think I'm pretty solid on the motivation part of wanting to text him. I've really been trying to work hard on myself during our no-contact period (we officially broke up a month ago). I miss talking to him and we had a connection I don't want to lose. Hopefully everything goes alright for me. Good luck to anyone else reading this page! <3 We can do it...
[Original Comment]
That's great Poppy. It's definitely a positive sign (no matter how small) if he called you by your nickname, since it shows that he does not harbor negative emotions towards you. Hang in there and we hope that you succeed!
[6 Years Update]
Thanks for reaching out. I really do not remember using your service unfortunately but my ex did end up asking me out about a month after I had moved on. I had met my current boyfriend (we’ve been together 6 years) and I took great pleasure in rejecting him hahaha.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi~ So i broke up with my ex 5 months ago after being together for a bit more than a year... coz back then i didn't feel i love him (i liked him, but not love)... He loved me very much and he was very hurt and confused. During these few months, we had a few mutual friends events, then a month and half of NC.
I've been thinking about him and if i pulled the trigger too early too fast?? I reached out to him last Dec and was hoping to have a chat but he wanted to have closure and some time apart. We bumped into each other accidentally at another event not long ago, after a month and half NC... and we managed to talk n clear up a few things.
I finally decided to have a conversation of the possibility of getting back together but he said he was ready to move on, and now is very confused and unsure that i'm serious of getting back. He said he really likes me and can see us going out for dates and see how things go.. but not getting back right away! When i asked him if he wants to go out dates, he said it's too soon for him and he's not ready! he needs more time to think!
I'm confused! i thought he loved me and wanted things to work?? Shall i give him more time or just move on??
thanks for any advice! :)
[Original Comment]
If you're really serious about him, I suggest giving him a little more time, but not cutting off contact entirely. You could always stay in touch through texts or social media, and when he's ready to go out, take things slow, and go for several dates before seeing how things progress. He's not sure if you're serious about him or not, which is why he is confused. Also, the fact that he doesn't feel ready to meet you yet means you must have hurt him when you ended things last time.
Thanks Ryan! so i should reach out and txt him to say hiii n how things are going? or i should ask him out again for dates? i know i hurt him a lot... at the moment i'm just not sure if he just wanna be left along and do this thinking and i should just let him be... it has been a week since i asked for getting back. I did call him last Sunday and asked him to go on dates and he said it's too soon for him to meet. :(
Take things slow, and just start by breaking ice and being friendly with him. Don't ask him out so soon unless the response you get from him is extremely positive.
[6 Years Update]
Wow, that was a long time ago. I didn't even remember that I wrote those thoughts!
Time really heals. I have moved on, moved back to my own city, and have been living a wonderful life. I don't have any contact with my ex, but I do know from mutual friends that he got married and had a son. I was happy to hear that, and I'm very happy with how things turned out in my own life!
Thank you for following up. I hope that all the men and women out there going through breakups will make the right decision and let time heal them!
Hi thanks for the article it was much needed. I have a question, my ex is quick on calling as in when he receives a text that will lead to a conversation he calls. He spends hours on the phone often having 2 3 lines at the same time in business hours
Should I keep to texting first or should I use this to my advantage ?
[Original Comment]
Definitely use this to your advantage. Speaking on the phone is more intimate than texting.
[7 Years Update]
He was abusive. We did get back together but I left him. I now have a family of my own with someone that is truly worth it.
Thank you for the update.
My boyfriend split up from me last night where supposed to be getting married. he split from me because I deleted a message of a male knowing he'd kick off if he saw it was only a male mate. he then thought I'd split from him I went to his kicking off then went back n apoligised now he doesn't want to know me.I want him back I love him so much but he doesn't believe me, what can I do iv tried showing him.I've left him alone I can't loose him
[Original Comment]
[8 Years Update]
No, we didn't get back together. I realised that I was in a very toxic relationship and left him for good
I was her rebound guy... Now she is in new relationship... She broke my heart in 10000 peaces... And now 4 months later im still in shit and she is in love with him...
Life sucks man...
[Original Comment]
[8 Years Update]
She is single mother now, still f**ing around with guys, she's little bit fat. I calculated - I missed 4-5 months for that child to be mine. Thanks God!
I am what now... 8 years single, I f*** what I can, if I can't, it doesn't matter anymore. I found Rollo Tomassi and the rational male, it changed my life. I'm living for myself now. Only thing that I regret is I'm 34 without son's. But still I don't give a f. Thanks for asking
Thank you for replying. I appreciate your honesty.
[Edit: To anyone tempted by such mindset, I recommend reading this article and this reddit post to help you understand the harmful effect of an extreme mindset regarding gender and relationships.]
My ex boyfriend and I were in 3 years and 7 months relationship. He helped me to have an scholarship to be part of his college. I was very excited but suddenly after 1 and 1/2 months we had a small fight and he said he was tired and broke up with me. He asked me if we can still be friends so I agreed. After 2 weeks I realized that I looked stupid, and I decided to move away from him, he look shocked and unfriended me on facebook. Until now, I feel sad about it, I don't want to walk away from him but I think it will make him think about his decision.I wish someday we'll get back together and be mature enough to understand our differences. It's very hard to move on but I will trust God's decisions in my life.
[Original Comment]
[8 Years Update]
Hi Kevin,
No worries, I'm glad to help and share my experience. After the breakup, I met some of my ex's classmates since I was an irregular student. One of them, let's call him A, became close to me and gave me advice. While my ex was the first to get a new girlfriend from the same campus, I became closer to A and my classmates as well. Eventually, I became A's girlfriend.
I stopped going to college due to personal circumstances, but our relationship continued. After A graduated, I continued working, and A became a policeman. We struggled a bit with the long-distance relationship, but we managed. I also learned from our friends that my ex's girlfriend cheated on him, but he moved on quickly with another college classmate, and they're still together.
As for me, I married A last December and am currently pregnant with our first son. Our relationship may not be perfect, but I'm happy and content with what we have. We are still working and growing for our future. I don't have any news about my ex, but my life goes on without it. I learned to focus on myself, my own life, and the people who choose to be with me.
You cannot lose who is meant for you, and let it be. Also, if you do not move on, you will bleed on the people who did not cut you. Love yourself in order to be able to love others. Everything will be okay. ☺️
Thank you so much for replying and your words of wisdom. I appreciate it.
You're welcome! Have a great day.
Hi, my ex broke up with me a week ago after being on a month long break. Would the 30 day no contact rule still apply to me? He broke up with me because he was unhappy that we fought too much, since then I have realized I never want to fight with him again. He told me he still loves me and is in love with me..
But is sure he doesn't want to be together "for now".. What does this mean? Also, we work together, how would the 30 day no contact rule work? He also texts me from time to time and I don't know how to initiate the no contact rule. I do love him and I still want to be with him, and I'm freaking out on how to go about doing so. Thank you for your help.
[Original Comment]
Hi R,
You can initiate no contact by telling him you need some space and time to deal with the breakup and you'll appreciate it if he doesn't contact you for a while. As for the work thing, read this article.
Hello Kevin,
It's really hard to not have contact at work because he's always touching my hair, throwing me hand written notes, talking to me, etc. I don't know what to do because I do want to be with him but I know it's too soon to get back together.
Hey,
Just tell him that you need some space and time and you will appreciate it if he limits contact in office to only professional matters.
[8 Years Update]
Hello,
Honestly it is more embarrassing than painful to see what I wrote and what state I was in at the time lol. We are currently happily married for 3 years now with a 10 month old! 😊
Thanks for checking in,
R
Am glad your so helpful,made me feel relief
[Original Comment]
[8 years update]
Hello Kevin, I hope you are well.
First i do not know what to say because I can not remember honestly... When you experiencing heart break honestly you go through posts and stuff, I'm sorry if I won't be of any help to you.
The break up actually did turn out in my favor and I ended up dating again broke up again lol... this is funny but I'm actually single now.
I have been for awhile now...
I do not know how to advice anyone going through similar experience because every break up is different honestly.... When it comes to me breakups do hit me hard because I love very deeply well especially that break up.... so I decided to stop and just focus on myself, this time if loves knocks on my door I do not want to make same mistakes of ignoring red flags... Also I'm a very cautious person now.
I think when you love yourself enough like I do now, wont let or accept something's....
I think that's all I can say.
I'm sorry if I was not helpful.
Regards
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Thank you so much for replying. Your reply was very helpful. It shows that loving yourself first is very important and that you should not ignore any red flags before committing to a relationship. I appreciate you sharing your experience. And I wish you the best in everything.
My ex fiancé broke up with me three months ago. He’s a bodybuilder and it was a “mutual split” but in all honesty he broke up with me because of my emotional immaturity and trauma reactions and behaviours. He was right to do so, anyhow my feelings for him are still extremely strong but he even said he’s focusing on himself (entering a competition) and doesn’t want to speak of the past. He said he still cares for me but that’s about it.
Hi Sarah,
Give him time and maybe consider reaching out when he is less busy. Build a friendship first and let him see the change in you. Meanwhile, focus on working on your self-esteem, understanding yourself and how to communicate better.
Hi Kevin,
It's almost 2 years since I broke up with my ex. And after reading your post I just realized I made every single mistake that you've mentioned including going in a rebound relation (I was a fool). I used to wonder where I was going wrong, but now I know.
So now from today onwards I'll be following your NO CONTACT rule. Wish me luck.
Love your post btw.. :)
Happy new year 2016... Hope this year turns out good..
[Original Comment]
[8 Years Update]
What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. I do remember about your daily mails that I used to get back in the days. You really did help me through my painful journey of getting over my ex.
I want to let you know that I successfully did move over my then ex. It was hard at times, but your constant support and guidance was a great help in keeping me sane. He did reach me out several times, especially on special occasions like my birthday.. but I never fell for him again after that even he did beg me to come back. Last time it was in 2018. We never got in contact after that since then. I reached you out in year 2015.. so overall it took three long years for all this to come to an end.
I did move in and out of another relationships; right now I'm going through my third break up and this guy is very stubborn and reaching me out despite of me telling him that I'm looking for only serious relationship and not some time pass. But no worries, I know what to do and how to keep myself sane. Never going back to him, once it's over!
Wish me luck that I find someone compatible for myself in the near future. Can't wait to settle down and start a family.
Thank you once again for your kind help!
Xoxo~
Hi Varni,
Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate you sharing the update. You have the right mindset for a healthy relationship. You deserve to be a priority of your partner. You deserve commitment. It's only a matter of time before you find someone. Good luck. I would love to hear an update when you do.
I'm 20, he is 21 and we have been childhood friends. We dated back when I was 17 for about two months. Recently we have started talking on snapchat, tumblr, and facebook. He has a girlfriend now and it has been a long time since I've seen him. He seems happy with his relationship and I haven't made any moves. I've changed since my immature teen years and I feel like we have chemistry. Should I give it a try?
[Original Comment]
Yes, there's no harm in trying.
[10 Years Update]
Thank you for reaching out Kevin!
What ended up happening was he broke up with his girlfriend at the time and we started dating again. We definitely were in love with each other, but our families did not approve. It was a beautiful almost four year relationship. I was still immature and unwilling to settle or communicate. I ended up self sabotaging the relationship. We ended up never talking again
What learned was that an ex is an ex for a reason. It was almost 4 years since the last time we dated, we had different problems, but it was the same foundational issues. I still had so many problems with communicating, I was never in a good place to be with someone.
I also learned, be grateful for what you have. Otherwise you’ll spend years yearning for someone like them. I spent so many years searching for him in someone else, when it was too late for me. I dated other men but always compared them to my electric and loving relationship with him. The girlfriend he dated before me, we ended up becoming friends and we talked about him. It made me realize I had rose colored lens on. He was manipulative and a judgmental liar. I spent all these years thinking I was the sole reason, I was the person that ruined the relationship. When I found out the truth, I realized I was glad I left when I did.
Ok, my situation has been similar to a lot of people here. My relationship literally ended last night. Its been a back n forth 10 months. A lot of her reasons for this have been to an extent justifiable as this was the first time she had ever had a relationship with another woman, that aside though, it still caused me pain each time she had a meltdown and finished with me. But this is were her justifiable behaviour ends.
Anything and everything was always more important than making time to spend with me. She would say she was too tired or the kids were playing up and putting her in a bad mood, and yet she would message me constantly all night anyway. On occasions were she would have a child free evening or weekend, she would make arrangements to go out with friends but never me, but insist on asking my opinion on what to wear, then message me throughout the night then want a booty call when she got home. I got to the point were I told her I wasn't interested in what she wore for nights out that didn't involve me. So it went on.
On one of her meltdowns, and finishing me episodes, we talked it through for days until we got back together. On this occasion I told her that if she did this to me again there would be no contact ever, we would not be friends (which she always said she wanted if we were not together). This shocked her, and the next few months were fantastic until she started planning her birthday party and began to have less and less contact with me. She then said that once the party was over she would a month later want a holiday........yep without me. I got upset and tried to talk about my frustrations at being not considered and not valued. Her reaction being to treat me with increasing indifference. Her messages became less and less frequent, she would never want to see me until I straight out and said "do you actually love me anymore?" Her response being, "I dunno", " maybe I don't feel the same", "My head is up my arse".."but can we be friends?" To which I said no, explained my reasons, said goodbye, and deleted her from social networks and instant messaging. I fully intend to implement NO CONTACT!! How do you think she will react?
Many thanks
ally
[Original Comment]
Hey Ally,
It's good that you started no contact. I think she will start contacting you after a while when she misses you and she might even promise to change just to have you back. But don't give in so easily this time. Take your time with no contact and only get back with her if you are absolutely sure she will change for good.
[10 Years Update]
My word, I had completely forgotten about this. Hell no, we didn't get back together. Thankfully. Very much one of those "what the hell was I thinking?" situations 🤣
My next two relationships weren't much better. I think someone is trying to tell me something.
Hi Ally,
Thank you for replying. If you don't mind me asking, were there any common themes between this relationship (the one you commented for) and the next two relationships? Human beings tend to follow a familiar pattern in our relationships (even if it's unhealthy) unless we acknowledge it and make a conscious effort to change it.
Significant age gaps. I didn't do it deliberately, but they were all younger than me. They all cheated. Maybe it was me. I probably expected to much. Something that a younger generation doesn't have the capacity for, or maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I've asked myself so many questions, but you can't make people fit into an ideal I've created in my head.
I'm 54 now and I think real love has passed me by now. It's my own fault for wanting a dream that doesn't exist.
Hi Ally,
I encourage you to keep your heart open to the possibility of love. Don't give up on your dreams and desires. The right person might come into your life when you least expect it, and they will appreciate you for who you are, with all your experiences and stories you have to share. I think you have a lot to offer in a relationship. And when the right person comes, they will appreciate you for who you are. And I think it will just be better to not have a lot of expectations when they come. Because doing so may make you push the right person away.
I think exploring the details of what type of ideal you have created and why you have created such an ideal in therapy can help a lot. So if you have not done that yet, I recommend you consider exploring this in therapy.
I apologize for giving unsolicited advice in case you didn't want it. Thank you so much for sharing.
You are very kind, and I appreciate it.
Kevin, will try and make this as short as possible.
I am 48 my ex is 38. We were together for 5 1/2 years. After saying for several years that he was ok with never having children, he changed his mind. He decided that he wanted wife/kids and I am too old to give him that. The break-up was amicable because I can understand the deep desire to have children. We both agreed to try and be friends (our relationship pretty much felt like a great friendship anyway)
Breakup was 4 months ago and I couldn't get through the NC (I reached out to him once a week..argh) he now has a new girlfriend (they both want kids and seem to be getting along).
Since the breakup I have lost weight, stopped smoking and gone out and met new friends, I am still in so much pain. I think I need to go NC again (this time stick to it) so that I can heal. How do I stick through the NC to move on??
[Original Comment]
Hey Sandy,
That's a big topic and I can't really cover it in just a comment. But I'll recommend you give yourself some time to grieve and at the same time balance out the sadness by doing something to make yourself feel better. Writing in a journal helps as well.
[10 Years Update]
Well, I didn't take other people's advice to block him on all social media which delayed my moving on (kind of like ripping a band aid off, over and over again) took me too long to get over it. He ended up marrying the first girl he dated and they now l have 3 or 4 kids. It's been almost 10 years now.. as for me, I has several unwilling relationships but finally learned to be ok with being alone... then my 1st husband came back into the picture after being divorced for 18 years.. we remarried and are living happily ever after.
Thank you so much for sharing the update. It's very interesting that when you learned to be ok being alone, your 1st husband came back into the picture. Like they say, you find love when you are not looking for it. Weird how many times that saying comes true.
Hi Kevin,
I was in a 2 years long distance relationship with a gal and distance has never been our issue and we stayed in touch everyday and talking like other couples pretty much about everything and she was supposed to come to me after completing her law but then she was having hard time on getting passport and at the same time she was stressing out about her career and family pressure for not focusing on career. It was too much of stress for her to deal and after taking one week off from me she texted me saying that she couldn't deal with anymore and lost feelings for me and cant come to me and broke up. I didn't even know it's coming because she was all normal beside stress for her career. We decided to continue talking as friends but i still love her and want her back but talking to her making things worst because she is always busy and dont have time to message or call and it's me who initiates to maintain contact.
I have done 1 week of NC with her but then ended up calling her because i was missing her badly and she was irritated about me calling her over and over again on that day so first she told me that we should keep it this way only it will help both of us in moving on but then asked me to call her back later and then she was all normal and said we will still talk. Please advise what should i do with my situation because sometimes she gets irritated and say stuff to hurt me.
Please help :-(
[Original Comment]
I think you should tell her you need space and time and start no contact again. This time try your best to stick to it.
[10 Years Update] Well! It's been a while and later I got to know she was already married to someone and was using me just to move to Canada. I never looked back after that
Hello,
Can this plan work if your ex left you for cheating? I made a mistake. I thought she didn't love me anymore and I ended up making a horrible mistake then she found out and left me. I tried telling her it was a mistake and how sorry I was. Begged, pleaded and all those other things that apparently don't work. I love her but she said she can't get past it. Should I try this plan or just give up?
[Original Comment]
Yes, it can work. Make sure you apologize sincerely.
[10 Years Update]
Wow. Hello. I am responding to this cause I don’t see why not. The plan did work. I got her back. But… in retrospect it may have been better if I didn’t. We spent many more years together in a real half ass relationship where eventually the amount of time we were together was like once a week. Things were never quite the same and in the long run it ended up feeling like a lot of wasted years.
Strangely enough the relationship I ended up in after was extremely toxic with several break ups and severe damage to me in just about every way possible. But I’d probably still take her back.. maybe love just isn’t for me.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry that you had to go through such a toxic relationship. Can you share if you have taken any steps to heal from it? Things like therapy, or life coaching?
No man. The only thing that’s healed me has been time but she reached out to me about a week ago drunk at 630 in the morning after a good four months of silence. Since then I have started to move backwards and even texted her a bunch of drunken nonsense the other day. Not that I didn’t mean every word but still probably a terrible decision on my behalf. I don’t know. It’s not easy. I still love her and I always will. I’m doing my best but it’s not easy. Not easy at all
I understand. I urge you to follow strict no contact and kind of go hard on self-development. If you are not going to the gym, start as soon as you can. If possible go to therapy or speak to a coach.
You deserve better. Even if she wants to get back together, don't get back together until you are sure it can be a healthy relationship.
I hope you find the courage and motivation to work on yourself. You deserve better. And it is achievable. Don't give up. Don't settle for another toxic relationship. Love yourself and start believing that you deserve better.
I have been speaking to a lot of people after many years of being in the same situation as you, and a lot of them say that after doing some inner work, they found peace. Some of them got into a healthy relationship, some of them are happy being single.
I appreciate your words. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know you are probably right. I’ll try to keep moving forward and stop settling for terrible treatment but I know I can’t guarantee it. I’ll try.
My ex is a very sensitive guy. He also has a great passion for playing music (he thinks he is very good at it but still looking for a lot of approval). English is my second language, so sometimes I say things about his singing like 'yes, it is very good'...' very nice...', 'this one is not too bad...' When I said 'this one is not too bad' for the third time... (sorry this prase doesn't sound bad in my language at all), he broke up with me , saying that i am mean and killing his spirit.
Should I call and explain ? Any other suggestions?
Appreciate your help
[Original Comment]
Hey Lina,
Yes, you should explain. But don't force him to get back together. Just let him know what you meant, and apologize. End with something like "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or kill your spirit. I apologize if I did. I support you 100% and I just wanted to clear things with you."
If he doesn't want to talk to you, just send him a message and leave it at that.
[10 Years Update] I moved on. Also I didn't contact him.
Sometimes it just not meant to be.
Thank you.
Hey Kevin my fiancé and I broke up in June of last year (2013). Since then she had 2 of what seem to be rebound relationships when she finally broke it off with the last one. Her and I got involved again, it wasn't official things were just happening. During that time I didn't approach her about getting back together because didn't want to seem as if I was rushing. Our quick reconciliation lasted for about 3 weeks.After that she began acting strange and to make the story short I found out she made it official with someone else in January . unlike the other women she was dating, she's actually exposing this one on her social media and praising her and saying how great she is and how she's so happy that she has found true love. Now my issue next to that fact that I feel my life is coming to an end, is that my ex still lives with me. I've told her she has to go as much as it kills me.she refuses to go just yet. When we first broke up she left the house for 2 months and I allowed her to come back, once again I didn't say anything about us because I didn't want her to think I was rushing to get back with her. The reason why I'm really stressing is because the person she is dating now she had known for 7 yrs.but then again my ex refers to me as the most amazing person she has ever been with. So why isn't she with me?every time I ask why we broke up she has A different response. She treats me like a complete stranger at times and is extremely cold towards me at times. And if I don't call her all day as long as she is not with her new gf she calls me or texts me.
I don't know what to do anymore I'm so in love with her still and I genuinely care for her.We were together for 3 years and we were each others everything. We had trust, respect, and communication until she decided to begin hiding feelings and issues. Help me
[Original Comment]
Hey leen,
You need to apply no contact. IF you are living together, you need to apply limited contact. Tell her you need some space and she should not contact you for a while.
Dear kevin
Thank u so much, I'm just praying that i didn't mess up my chances with her being that when i found out she made it official with this new girl i panicked a bit.so i was trying to talk to her about how great we were together and try to convince her to give us another shot.but I will begin to do the no contact rule.by the way keep up to good work your website has helped me tremendously.
You're welcome Leen. I'm glad I could help. :)
[10 Years Update]
Hi, wow it's definitely been quite a while. My ex and I never got back together again, however her family and I are still very close. I definitely focused on self growth and self love, and took my time to heal properly. My ex recently moved to Wisconsin with her new partner. Her and I are not close friends but there's definitely no hard feeling between us. I wish her well. Im currently in a 6 year relationship, so far so good. Only complication is that I am her first lesbian relationship amd she's the preacher's daughter. Just my luck huh? Lol she can't quite come out to her parents, she's afraid that her family will reject her. The only family members that know about us is her sister and cousins.
Thank you for replying. I wish you the best in navigating this situation with your new partner. I am sure things will work out in your favor if both of you communicate with each other and support each other through everything. Best of luck!
Thank you and I will.
hi, love the article, but i do need some advice. here is my situation.
my boyfriend is in the military and stationed overseas, we have been together for two years and i just got back home from visiting him over christmas and new years.
last weekend we skyped for a few hours and everything was ok, he even asked me to come visit him next month and that he would take me camping. four days later i get a text from him saying 'i have feelings for someone else' i texted back just saying what?? cause that was my first reaction. i did not try to get him to explain anything yet and he has not texted me back. is that still considered a rebound? how can he go from 'come visit me next month' to 'hey i replaced you' within the short amount of only 4 days???
[Original Comment]
It's entirely possible he cheated on you and was lying to you when he asked you to visit him. It's hard to say if it's a rebound. I guess the best course of action is to stay no contact and wait for him to contact you. Give him some time, and if he doesn't contact you, you can choose to contact him and ask him if he cheated on you.
[10 Years Update] sorry I have not reponded to your email yet but I was too busy but now I took some time to think back on the sitaution and give you an update.
Geez, that was a long time ago and a lot has happened since, however our story does not include a happy end.
So my original comment was from 02/2014 and I had woken up to a text from my then boyfriend saying he had feelings for someone else. Mind you, at the time we were doing long distance as he was in the military. I simply responded with "What?" but did not get a reply. I didn't bother sending more text messages but instead went no contact, which looking back was definitely the right choice. I cannot say how long we did not speak as I no longer have those text messages but after some time he reached out to me and we sort of went back to talking as if nothing had ever happened. During the summer I flew out to spend time with him in Colorado and everything was great. Even after I had returned home things were going well between me and him. Until I randomly met someone else at a Starbucks in October 2014.
The relationship then ended as I started a new relationship with the Starbucks guy. Turns out that was a big mistake but I had no idea what was to come back then. My ex boyfriend and I kept in touch every once in a while, we were both checking in with the other person, not really as friends but also not really as a romantic partner. My other relationship ended in spring of 2016 when I got pregnant but my then boyfriend (Starbucks guy) no longer liked the idea of us being together, let alone have a child together. So he left me.
Fast forward, my son is 7 years old now and I was still talking to my ex boyfriend (military one) every now and then, most times even being flirty but that all stopped as he is now married. I do think he got married to someone so quickly because he thought it was convenient and perhaps thought he was running out of time (he is 39).
As for me, I have stayed single ever since my last relationship with my baby daddy.
Advice I would give someone who might be in a similar situation would defintely be to distance yourself and to go absolutely No Contact. I know that part can be very challenging but I believe it is crucial.
Would I continue the relationship now if I were in that sitaution now? Definitely not. I would not let a guy treat me like that again but back then I was naive and young and simply did not know better as I thought we would get married and potentially stay together forever.
Hope this helps.
wishing you a wonderful day Kevin!
Greetings from Germany,
Ann
Hi,
I wondered if you had any thoughts for me.
I was with my bf for 2 years. We broke up (my choice) about 6 months after I moved to another part of the country for work. I found long distance very difficult as we had previously been living together. We were friends for a year after that, and on-off no commitment lovers. I found this really upsetting but seemed unable to stop it. I didn’t want to get back together as It wasn’t practically possible to be in the same part of the country, and I didn’t want to be as miserable as I had been. I also didn’t want to cut him out of my life as I guess I still had feelings for him. In the end I went abroad for 6 months in order to clear my head and force myself to move on and not see him. He said he still loved me and he wanted to talk about us getting back together when I returned, that he would wait for me. I never asked him to do this, it came from him.
So I trumped the 30 day no speaking rule and did 6 months! Over the time I was away I’ve become a much stronger and happier person, but I also realise I want him back, wherever in the country we are. I thought about him constantly through all the amazing experiences I had. I spoke to him for the first time yesterday and he has a new girlfriend, of a few months, who he seems fairly keen on. That hurt like hell. I suggested that we meet and we are seeing each other in a few days for drinks.
I’m not sure how to play this one. I feel betrayed that he didn’t wait for me after saying he would, which is probably unreasonable. I’m not sure if I should put my heart on my sleeve or try to play it cool.
Any advice really welcome.
[Original Comment]
Definitely play it cool.
[Edit: My view and my advice has changed since this comment was posted. Right now, I would recommend an honest conversation over playing it cool.]
[10 Years Update]
Wow, that seems a very long time ago!!
No, we didn't get back together! I met someone else very soon after I wrote this who was very clear that he was really keen on me, and I realised the ex just wasn't that bothered. I am now engaged to this person, we have two young children, run our joint business together and he is the love of my life. I'm infinitely glad I did not get back together with this ex!!
Thank you so much for the update. I am happy to hear that you were able to find a great relationship.