How To Get Your Ex Back PERMANENTLY – 5 Step Plan

Winning your ex back isn’t the hard part.

The hard part is keeping them.

They left you once. What is to stop them from leaving again?

This is what happened to me. I got my ex back. But the core issues that led us apart were still hiding under the rug.

We broke up again a few years later. It wasn’t all in vain though. I learned an important lesson.

My failure taught me that it’s convenient to ignore the red flags when you want someone so badly. And you can sweep important issues under the rug for a while. But they are going to catch up with you. One way or another.

I learnt to not ignore important aspects of a healthy relationship just because you love and care for someone deeply. Aspects such as respect, trust, communication, and honesty.

But I also know it’s hard to think about all that when you really want them back and are scared they will move on from you soon.

Especially when it seems like getting back together is the most sensible thing to do for both of you. But your ex just refuses to see that.

And this is the fundamental problem that causes a huge rift between you and your ex.

Why your ex doesn’t want to get back with you?

When your ex has made a decision to breakup with you, they tend to want to stay broken up. No matter how much you try to convince them, remind them of the good parts of your relationship, explaining how deeply you care for them or show them how great it would be if you both got back together.

An ex can have a variety of psychological, emotional and practical reasons for not giving it another shot.

These reasons include (but are not limited) to –

• the need to be consistent,
  • Need to go through what they said they would do,
  • Need to make sure the breakup happens,
  • Desire to experience not being in a relationship with you.
• fear of repeating the same relationship patterns again,
  • being skeptical of any changes you promise,
  • being skeptical about their ability to change,
• not feeling attracted to you (the spark is gone),
  • feeling like they’ll be happier without you,
  • desire to explore their options,
  • feeling like you are insecure, jealous, too needy etc.
• not seeing a future with you,
  • external circumstances (such as new college, new career, long distance),
  • feeling like you are both incompatible,
  • loss of trust,
• Difference in attachment styles and communication style
  • afraid of commitment,
  • afraid of serious or uncomfortable conversations,
  • desire to run away from overwhelming emotions
• grudges, fear and resentments,
  • preserving their emotional and mental health,
  • being hurt or scared because of your addiction/abuse/mental health issues,
  • hurt or angry about something that was said during an argument,
  • a communication gap,
• Desire for personal space and time
  • Need for personal growth
  • Need to find out who they are and what they want
  • Need to process emotional baggage
• or the worst of all – simply not liking you.
  • Or being interested in someone else

While you may instinctively know some of these reasons and perhaps may have even tried to address their concerns – it probably won’t work because you and your ex are fundamentally at a different mental and emotional space about the relationship and the idea of getting back together; i.e. an emotional rift between you and your ex.

The reasons that led to the breakup (such as communication gap, insecurity etc.) are obviously part of the reason that’s keeping them away. But one major reason for this emotional distance, in most cases, is the decision of breakup itself.

Consider this – a breakup is a significant decision that most people don’t take lightly. Before making the decision (or seriously considering it), people are open to working on the issues in a relationship.

But once the decision to breakup enters the scene, your ex’s attitude towards you and the relationship changes significantly. I will explore the psychology behind this in more detail a little bit later in this article.

But for now, I want you to note that almost all of the above reasons make a lot of sense and are even healthy after a breakup. Not everyone should get back with their ex. Especially if there were elements of abuse, toxicity, or narcissism.

Does this mean my ex doesn’t love me anymore?

Not necessarily. The most interesting pattern I’ve noticed in thousands of my community members is that even after all this, love persists in most cases. It persists in you and you want to try to fix what was broken and get back together. It also persists in your ex, but they want to let go of the love, stick to the breakup and move on.

There is science to back this as well. Human beings evolved in a way that doesn’t let love and bonding to go away easily and quickly.

While love eventually fades away, in most cases, there is still a long window of opportunity (in some rare cases, even years) before the love completely fades away and you have no chance of getting back together. This is, of course, assuming that there was love in the first place.

What works to get an ex back?

The best way to get an ex back is to first let the breakup happen and then organically rebuild a new relationship.

The quintessential way to do that is to give each other space and time. A lot of the reasons that are stopping your ex from getting back together eventually subside when they have space and time to process everything.

But there is an important component missing there.

Acceptance and Growth.

You know the old adage, “Everything happens for a reason.”?

Well, the breakup happened for a reason.

And maybe that reason is for you to become someone who is more mature and capable of resolving the issues that lead to the breakup.

Or maybe it’s for you to become someone who realizes that they deserve healthy love, who has the strength to let your ex go and move on to a better relationship.

In either case, you accept what happened. And grow as a person.

While space and time will close the distance in this emotional rift from your ex’s side, acceptance and growth will close the distance from your side.

In a way, you become as skeptical about getting back together as they are. You become as invested in your mental and emotional health as them. You become as attractive as you were when they fell in love with you (maybe even more), and you communicate in a way you both feel understood.

On the other hand, with enough space and time, your ex would have experienced what they needed to experience, such as – a breakup, a life without you, space for personal growth, time to think about what they actually want etc. If they still love you after all that, then they are more likely to consider reconciliation.

When the rift becomes smaller, it gets easier for the love (that probably still persists) to do its job. That is to bring two people who are right for each other together.

And when couples get back together for the right reasons, a lot of times the new relationship is better than ever.

One of our commenters, Beth, said this in 2014, when her boyfriend just broke up with her.

“I’m just devastated because it was such a shock and came from nowhere and I honestly thought we were a forever couple.”

When we asked for an update 10 years later, here’s what she said.

“So we actually got back together about 3 weeks after we broke up.[…] We chatted through everything and essentially he had just had a life crisis but realised losing me was the worst thing and the whole thing just put everything into perspective for him. […] Flash forward 10 years to 2024, we’ve been married for almost 4 years, and welcomed our first baby girl last summer! Together almost 11 years now and those 3 weeks seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I truly believe we both needed to go through that to have the life & relationship we have now.”

But this isn’t always the case, sometimes, people learn that the differences between them and their ex are insurmountable.

Here’s what another one of our commenter, Adam, said in his first comment after the breakup,

“She was obviously so in love with me up until the end and always talked about getting married and whatnot. Her leaving stunned me.”,

But here is his perspective after 10 years –

“She was my first love and, as often happens with young couples, our relationship ran into the buzzsaw that is college, temptation, and the inevitability of evolving into different people….[…] But after taking that lump, getting humbled, and getting back on my feet, my life has been a complete blessing ever since. I’ve had so much fun, I’ve travelled, I’m healthy, my career is in a fantastic place, and a year and 2 days ago I got married to the most incredible woman I could ever imagine. She’s gorgeous, kind, empathetic, successful, driven….i just can’t say enough great things about her. This first year of marriage FLEW by and I look forward to many, many more.”

Sometimes, couples get back together because of their love but realize that it’s not going to work. But because of acceptance and growth, they move on to find a better, healthier relationship that they truly deserve.

One commenter, Ana, who was with her boyfriend for 5 years said this about 3 weeks after the breakup.

“Basically my insecurities really caused a toxic vibe throughout the relationship and I’ve done a lot of self esteem work to try and sort this for myself.[…]we were together a long time and I feel as though I have the right mindset to achieve a good relationship with him, but also that I’d be absolutely fine if it didnt work out.”

And then 4 years later, this is what she said –

“My ex and I did end up getting back together for a short period but we ultimately ended for good a short time later. This was a good result for me though as I now have the most wonderful partner who has been alongside me who treats me in the way I have always longed for. Our relationship is one that I have always dreamt of and based on a mutual respect and deep love for one another and I am truly happy and secure. I believe the growth work I did with yourself helped tremendously in recognising my own emotions[…]which ultimately led me to the relationship I have now.”

[Note: We have ongoing project where we get updates from people who were going through a breakup and wanted their ex back at one point of time. You can read all the updates at the end of the article in the comment section]

It’s interesting that almost all of them felt like their world is going to end. But they survived and even thrived in their love life. With their ex. Or without them.

But again, I know most people who want to get an ex back don’t want to imagine a future without their ex.

So getting back on the topic at hand, you can get your ex back if you stop focusing so much on convincing them or showing them how things will be different, focus more on the issues that caused the breakup and allow “time and space” to diminish the psychological barriers preventing your ex from considering reconciliation.

Love finds a way if the rift between the both of you is surmountable. Your job, is to close that rift as much as possible.

Here’s how to do that in 5 steps.

When you are panicking or feeling desperate, your mind goes into overdrive and you want to do anything and everything to get your ex back.

In my experience, about 80% of people going through an unwanted breakup do this. They beg, plead, act needy, show their desperation and overall just push their ex away.

As humans, we do this instinctively.

We want to do everything in our power to save a bond that’s important to us. Coupled with an anxious attachment style, a co-dependent relationship or low self-esteem, this desire becomes overbearing – so much that you feel you have no control over your actions.

And when it doesn’t work, it feels like your world is ending and you are helpless to do anything about it.

The first step, to get your ex back, is to stop the behavior which pushes your ex further away while making you feel rejected and hopeless. These are the things that you should stop.

1. Texting and Calling Your Ex All The Time – Phone calls and texts are an integral part of every relationship. But after the breakup, they become as damaging to the possibility of getting back together. If your ex wants space, texting or calling them constantly will only make them feel annoyed.

Your panicked mind tells you that if you don’t text them or call them, your ex will forget about you. But it’s rarely the case. People rarely ever forget about their ex. Research has shown that it usually takes more than three months to start moving on from a breakup. The love they had for you will probably still be there for a long time even after those 3 months.

Moreover, texting someone who doesn’t want to speak to you is just awkward. You think that your interaction with your ex will go something like this.

But in reality, it goes something like this.

2. Begging and Pleading To Get Back Together – It may feel like if they love you, they would care about you enough to listen to your begging. They wouldn’t want you to suffer. But when you beg them, you are acting desperate and not respecting yourself. Self-respect is attractive. Desperation is not.

Begging and pleading is also sometimes followed by anger and sometimes speaking nasty things to hurt your ex. Again, not attractive and just leaves a bad taste in your ex’s mouth.

3. Explaining how and why you love them so much – This is a tricky slope. Because a lot of breakups happen because an ex thinks that there was no love from your side. So it makes sense to declare your love to your ex if you want them back. The problem happens, when you say it over and over again.

Because if you truly love them, and they want space, then you would give it to them. If you don’t, then your repeated one-sided professing of love becomes meaningless – or worse, annoying.

4. Promising changes and offering solutions – You calm yourself down, think logically and come up with the perfect solution to all the relationship problems. You explain it to your ex, only for them to reject your offer like a bad pitch on Shark Tank.

What gives?

There are a few psychological reasons for this. But the main one is that once the breakup has already happened, they aren’t interested in fixing the relationship. They may have been interested in it before the breakup. But not now.

And the more you try to convince them, the more awkward they will feel rejecting you.

5. Letting your ex walk all over you – This is also called being a doormat. Your mind will tell you that your ex is the most important thing in the universe and you will sacrifice anything to be with them. You may agree to be their friend while they explore other options, you may tell them that you will never talk to that friend that they don’t like, that you will cut off your family members from your life, or even agree to be friends with benefits while you are emotionally hurting.

You put your ex above your own mental and emotional health. Not recommended.

Aside from the fact that a person who cares about you wouldn’t put you through this, you are also ignoring something very important. Self-respect. Don’t do anything that will make you lose respect for yourself.

When your panicked mind tells you that you can sacrifice anything to be with your ex, tell it that you won’t sacrifice your self-respect.

Why these things don’t work in bringing your ex closer to you?

1. Consistency – Your ex wants to stay consistent to their decision of the breakup. According to the cognitive dissonance theory, proposed by Leon Festinger and it’s affect on difficult decisions,

“when making a difficult decision, individuals show attitude change that justifies the decision. In this case, individuals who face such a decision are conflicted because not all beliefs are consistent with the decision. For example, they may have beliefs favoring the option that is rejected. The individuals are therefore motivated to reduce the conflict by justifying the decision they have made. The justification is typically achieved by changing their attitudes and beliefs so that the new attitudes and beliefs are consistent with and justify the decision that has been made.”

It’s like someone buying the latest iPhone and then justifying it by saying that the camera is much better than the previous generation. We all know it’s only slightly better. But you can’t convince them otherwise, even with all the proof in the world. Because they need to justify their decision and stay consistent to it.

A breakup, for your ex, is similar. Except a breakup is a much more significant and emotionally invested decision than buying an iPhone. And if they have told their friends and family about it, they become even more invested in that decision.

The cognitive dissonance theory also explains something most of my readers experience – why and how your ex suddenly changed the way they felt about the relationship or their attitude towards you.

For example, one of our community members, lin91’s boyfriend, after returning from a music festival and making a decision to breakup with her, was like a completely different person.

She says,

“We’ve been together 15 months, and from the beginning have told each other we’re the loves of each others’ lives, and that it was forever… I’ve supported him through a lot of his mental heath issues, including long times on unemployment, and I never gave up on him. But now he’s saying that we have no future, because we’re incompatible. […] He went away and came back a different person.”

Another common example is when they may have told you how much they loved you a week ago only to say that “I am not in love with you anymore” one day after the breakup.

Because of this psychological need to remain consistent with important decisions, tactics such as convincing, providing solutions, asking for one last shot, and reminding of good times don’t work.

Your ex isn’t looking for a reason to get back together, they are looking for reasons to justify their decision. And the more reasons you give them, the more convinced they will be that the breakup was the right decision.

The good news is that the more time passes by, the more this need to justify the decision diminishes.

Note that this does not always mean that the love is gone. It simply means that your ex has changed their attitude or conscious beliefs to match their decision. And to look consistent, they may have suppressed the love they had for you.

According to an article on Cognitive Dissonance in International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences 2015,

“Moreover, developments on attitudes theory showed that explicit but not implicit attitudes are affected by dissonance”

Which in simple terms means that it’s only the external and conscious attitude of your ex that changes because of Cognitive Dissonance. Not the internal and subconscious stuff. Stuff like love, deeply caring for someone, connection and bond they formed over the course of the relationship are not affected or changed suddenly. Changing that usually takes a lot of time.

2. Their Attachment Style – The attachment theory is a groundbreaking theory used in psychology that explains why some people find it hard to open up, avoid intimacy and tend to become distant when there is conflict; while others tend to cling, get anxious when they feel a threat to the relationship, and care too deeply.

Your ex may just have an avoidant attachment style that would make them want to appear indifferent, distance themselves emotionally from you and avoid dealing with the breakup aftermath.

A good way to understand if they have an avoidant attachment style is to ask yourself how they handled uncomfortable conversations during the relationship. If it felt like they wanted to avoid the conversation or change the subject quickly, they probably have an avoidant attachment style.

After a breakup, the more messy and uncomfortable things become, the more they would want to run away. Coupled with the need to be consistent, they may act like they don’t care about you at all.

On the other hand, your ex may also have an anxious or secure attachment style, and they may be too deeply hurt by all this and feel a need to protect themselves. They won’t run away from their feelings or uncomfortable conversation, but being hurt too deeply would prevent them from entertaining a serious conversation about getting back together.

It may also feel like they are switching between being anxious and avoidant, which is often called a disorganized attachment style.

Whichever category they fall into, pushing them to get back together doesn’t usually work if they are serious about the breakup. But the above mistakes are more likely to push away an avoidant or disorganized than an anxious or securely attached individual.

3. Things don’t change so fast – We know the breakup happened for a reason. Maybe your ex is exaggerating the reason in their mind to justify their decision. But the reason was there. And while you may be committed to a change right now, they have absolutely no reason to believe that things actually will be different.

Think of this way, if it was so easy to make these changes – be it insecurity, neediness, honesty, communication, or commitment – why didn’t that change happen before the breakup?

It’s because you are making the change (or promising to make a change) because of the fear of losing your ex.

They sense it. They know you. They have been with you for a long time. And they have probably tried to bring a change in the relationship before. It didn’t work. So now when you promise a change, they are naturally skeptical.

4. Neediness being unattractive – Human beings are naturally attracted to confidence and are repulsed by desperation and neediness.

When your actions reek of neediness, such as constant unwanted texting, begging, pleading, being miserable without your ex, declaring your love for them constantly; it slowly makes them feel unattractive towards you.

Note that it’s different from getting your needs being met in a healthy relationship. It’s desperately wanting someone to do something because of your shame or fear.

There has been research to back this up and countless experiences of people.

For example, when Danielle went to dinner with her ex, she was still needy. And here’s what happened.

“I immediately started crying (I was slightly drunk after 3 drinks with dinner) and started getting needy. He told me not to have any expectations of him….and he literally couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”

But a couple weeks later, this happened.

“As it is turning out, he texted me Monday morning. We went to breakfast, held hands and it felt great. I texted him today to say hi and it went well. I am learning that patience and a smile work wonders.”

And three months later, this was her update.

“I am happy to report that as of yesterday, my bf and I made it official again! After a year of being apart, he told me to put my (gorgeous) ring back on and change my FB status! I strongly feel that changing my insecure behavior, acting cool (even though I was not feeling very cool), journaling/doing positive stuff for myself is the reason why.”

The simplest way to explain this dynamic comes from a blog post by Oliver Emberton, which says,

Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch.

5. They are unsure of themselves – A lot of times, the ex is the reason for the breakup and they know it. Maybe they need to be single for a while or they feel like they are the reason the relationship had so much problems.

When your ex has doubts about themselves, offering them solutions, putting them down or doing anything needy or desperate doesn’t help them. Telling them you love them and support them may help, but it can come off as not genuine if you are doing it from the ulterior motive of getting them back. Moreover, it’s hard to love and support someone through their journey when you desperately want them back.

6. They don’t want to get hurt again –  In case the relationship and the breakup was extremely hurtful for your ex, making the decision to breakup was a healthy decision for them. They probably want to preserve their emotional and mental health. And while they may still love you, they value their health above the love they have for you. Note, that it’s a good thing and a healthy choice your ex is making for themselves. And if you want to get back with them, you need to have the same mindset about emotional and mental health as them and you need to respect their choice.

7. They moved on long ago – Sometimes, an ex moves on emotionally long before the actual breakup happened. In such cases, they already have a lot of strong reasons to go through with the breakup. This is because they have tried to make it work for a while now, set up their support system to help them after the breakup, and are mentally prepared for whatever you throw at them.

So anything you do to get them back, they are prepared for it. They are set on ending the relationship and moving on. Let them. It doesn’t mean you won’t get them back later on. It doesn’t mean that the love and respect they had for you will disappear completely. It just means they need to let go of the relationship for now. There is a chance they will be open to rekindling once they feel they have done what they need to do.

Why stopping this behavior is healthy for you?

While you may only want to know what works to get your ex back, it’s also important to know why what you are doing is healthy for you.

The advice on this page is a healthy process to get your ex back. It not only works to get them back, it also helps you heal, become stronger, become wiser, and have a healthier mindset in case you don’t.

Here’s why it makes sense to stop this behavior from a self-care point of view

1. Whenever you make the above mistakes, you are setting yourself to get rejected by your ex again. Needless to say, it hurts to get rejected. And you are better off not rubbing salt over the fresh wound this breakup has left in your heart.

2. In addition, by stopping this behavior, you are taking control over your emotions. Most of the things that pushes an ex away is a result of you acting out of overwhelming emotions.

A study published in The Journal of Neuroscience explains how anxiety can disrupt the decision making process. The authors of the study state “A debilitating aspect of anxiety is its impact on decision making and flexible control of behavior.”

But when you stop this behavior, you teach yourself that you don’t have to act out of those emotions. You can still feel them, but you learn to control your actions. You think before you act instead of blindly doing whatever you feel like doing due to overwhelming emotions.

3. Lastly, stopping this behavior teaches you to act out of self-respect. Essentially, you only do something to get an ex back if it doesn’t make you feel disrespected. You learn to respect yourself, put your own well-being above everything else and learn to set boundaries that any self-respecting person should have.

Quick Tips To Stop The Behavior That Pushes Your Ex Away

• Remind yourself that you will still have a chance for at least the next three months.
• Change your ex’s name to “Don’t push him/her away” on your phone. So you are reminded not to act desperate.
• Whenever you feel anxiety or restlessness building up, take deep breaths , drink a glass of water and then distract yourself by doing something you enjoy.

What if I didn’t make any of these mistakes?

If you didn’t make any of the above mistakes (or made very few of them), it’s a great start. But that doesn’t necessarily mean your ex will come back. Especially if you have never made it clear you want them back and didn’t address the issues that lead to the breakup.

Just waiting and hoping for your ex to come back is not the best approach either. It is definitely better than pushing your ex away because of desperation. But just waiting for your ex will not resolve all the practical, emotional and psychological reasons that’s keeping your ex away. So make sure to read Step 2 and Step 3 of this article to understand how to address those reasons.

Moreover, they may not even know you want them back, especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup. As a result, they may never reach out to you out of fear of rejection. So if you are sure your relationship didn’t have any toxic elements, consider reaching out and making it clear that you want them back as I explain in Step 4 of this article.

What To Expect When You Stop Pushing Your Ex Away?

When your ex feels that you are no longer actively trying to get them back, they may put their guards down and allow thoughts of getting back together come to their mind. They may also start contacting you more often or say things that make you feel like they are interested. They may even show you that they still love you, one way or another. In some rare cases, your ex can even respond with anger and do things such as rage texting you or try to put you down.

Just to be clear, it doesn’t happen in a lot of cases. Sometimes, it takes months or years for it to happen. Sometimes, it never happens. And we will account for all the situations in a later step.

Their reaction ultimately depends on their attachment style, the intensity of the connection they shared with you and how they handle the vacuum left by you.

But whatever their reaction is, they probably still won’t be ready to get back together.

For now, remember, your ex will put up their guards if they feel you are coming from a place of desperation, neediness or insecurity. Remember, the reasons that lead to the breakup are still there. They probably still feel a need to stay consistent to their decision. The rift is still there. And if you give them more reasons to justify the breakup, that rift is just going to get bigger.

For all we know, when your ex reaches out, they may just be testing you to see if you are still desperate to win them back or if they still have you as their backup. They may just be looking for another reason to justify their decision.

Instead of jumping at the first sign of your ex still loving you, remind yourself that love will not resolve all the issues that have kept you and your ex emotionally apart. If you have to speak to your ex, be as skeptical about getting back together as they were.

Again, I know it’s easier said than done. Why would you be skeptical about getting them back if you want them back so badly?

That’s why it’s important to implement the next two steps in this process.

In case you are one of the 17 people in the world who went through a breakup and do not know about the no contact rule yet, it’s something that’s widely recommended all over the internet after a breakup.

In essence, the no contact rule is a simple guideline that just tells you to stop or minimize all contact with your ex as soon as possible.

This generally means

• No phone calls or texts unless absolutely necessary.
• No emails or DMs on any social media apps
• No interacting through mutual friends or family
• No “accidentally” running into them at places they are going to visit.
• Minimizing interactions or muting any group chats that both you and your ex may be a part of.
• No snapchat streaks, likes on their stories or other indirect form of communication
• Any important communication (such as regarding a shared child or shared responsibilities) can be done with an ex while keeping it strictly on the topic.

Sounds extreme?

That’s because it is.

But so was the decision to breakup with you. Wasn’t it?

However, you don’t have to make it as extreme if you don’t want to. The idea over here is to create as much space between you and your ex as possible.

Now you can do it with kindness (by letting them know beforehand that you won’t speak to them), you can be rude (by ignoring their call if they reach out), or you can just play it by the ear (just stop contacting them and see how it goes).

Why do this?

Remember all those reasons for an ex not wanting to get back together?

Most of those psychological and emotional reasons kind of diminish over time as you give them space and let them process what happened.

As time passes by and they start missing you, they won’t feel a need to constantly justify the breakup in their mind. Especially when they don’t have anyone pushing them to do so.

As a result, space will be created in their mind for other thoughts to seep in. Maybe good memories from the relationship, the fact that you always prioritized them, that you were good to them, that you cared about them etc.

In essence, they will let their guard down. And maybe eventually open up to a real conversation about getting back together.

Why No Contact is Important For You?

I know you want to skip to the part where I talk about what happens to your ex during no contact. And how it can make your ex want you back.

But hold your horses. Cause this part is as important, if not more, in getting them back.

Remember, that analogy about closing the rift? The best you can do is close the rift from your side as much as possible.

The reason why no contact is important for you is because it gives you some much needed time and space to actually accept and process what happened.

The same way stopping desperate behavior helps you feel in control.

No contact takes it a step further by allowing you a lot of space and time to heal from the breakup. Which gives you enough room to –

• think about the issues that lead to the breakup,
• educate yourself about unhealthy and toxic relationship patterns,
• realize whether or not it’s even healthy for you to get back together,
• learn to communicate better,
• seriously address any addiction/anger/mental health issues you may have.
• learn to be vulnerable without being needy
• and overall become a better version of yourself.

I know that feels like a lot. But it’s not really. Everyone in their life has to go through this and learn about this one way or another. And people who do, usually end up in a healthy relationship that they always longed for. And yes, sometimes that relationship is with their ex.

Just look at Amy who felt like she is never going to hear from her ex-girlfriend again.

But after 3 months, this is what she said.

“I originally freaked out for 2 months. Then you advised I do no contact. I listened. Well, 2 months later, SHE CAME BACK TO ME. After going through a 4 1/2 month break up, we both learned, matured, grew, and have a MUCH healthier view on what a relationship should be!! Happier than ever!!!”

But again, it doesn’t always happen this way, sometimes, you realize you are not ready for a relationship or maybe the relationship isn’t right for you.

This is what Rob, whose girlfriend broke up with him because of his insecurity and who decided to do no contact for 30 days, had to say when we asked for an update

“I eventually was able to move on from my ex after taking responsibility for all of my actions and understanding how lacking as a person I was. […] At the time I wanted nothing else than to get back together but I knew that wasn’t the right decision. Best idea I have ever had was to realize this, step back, and improve myself.[…] My best advice to people going through a similar situation to me is to not look at all of the things the other person did wrong as you cannot change them. Take sometime with yourself, go for long walks and hikes and really think of all of the areas you are lacking in, then go to improve them. Join a gym, confide in your friends for advice, start meditating and reading philosophy. Nowadays I am doing fantastic, I am in the best shape I have even been in, I have my dream job, and I have my fair share of women to choose from. Building myself up and taking responsibility for my actions while letting her go was the best thing I could have ever done with my life.”

And this is what Kaye said about her applying no contact rule for multiple exes.

“It took me some time to realize that he was a narcissist manipulator and I am happy for the lessons I have learned throughout this relationship and most importantly, how much I have grown. […] I believe no contact rule is the best thing you can do to actually process the breakup and work on yourself. Luckily to me, each time i went through that stage, I have only realized how better off I was without them.”

Yes, I know you probably don’t want to hear about the cases where people don’t get their ex back. But I am just putting it out there to give you a realistic view of what might happen.

It’s important to know that getting your ex back should not be the main goal when you are doing no contact. The main goal is you. It’s focusing on healing, accepting and, if needed, becoming a better version of yourself. While getting them back may be one of the motivation, you should keep reminding yourself that you are doing this for yourself. So you can have a better, healthier life, with or without your ex.

That being said let’s move on to what happens to your ex during no contact.

Why no contact is important for your ex and how it helps in getting back together?

No contact is also important for your ex for the same reason it is for you. It gives them space and time to heal from the breakup, to think clearly, and to figure out what they want in life.

But there are a few other psychological phenomenon that may happen to your ex during this time.

1. The Fading Effect Bias and Nostalgia – As time goes by, the effect of negative memories during the relationship will start to fade away. This is because of a psychological process in human beings called the fading effect bias. It doesn’t mean that they will forget the negative aspects of the relationship. But those things won’t be at the front and center when they think about you.

In addition, because of nostalgia, they are also more likely to remember the positive things about the relationship more favorably and with more fondness as time goes by and the negative feelings start to fade away.

2. The freedom to explore – They are going to finally be free of the relationship that they desperately wanted to be away from. While they may be excited to explore, a lot of times, seeing what’s out there makes them realize what they lost. Especially if your bond was strong, you were good to them and cared about them.

3. You not available as a backup or emotional support – If they feel you desperately want them back, then applying no contact and setting clear boundaries will make them see how you are no longer a backup for them. When they miss you or are having a bad day, they won’t just be able to pick up the phone and have you available to them.

4. Curiosity and Uncertainty – Not hearing from you will make them curious. They will eventually start wondering what you are doing. Whether or not you are moving on from them. In addition, they will have to face some uncertainty. They will start wondering if they want you back, would they have a chance? They will start wondering if you still love them or want them back. They may not act on those thoughts, but those thoughts will inevitably come to them.

4. Realizing that they may also lose you forever – They will eventually come to the realization that THEY CAN ALSO LOSE YOU FOREVER. They will realize how painful a breakup and losing a loved one is. This is when they truly feel the gravity of the loss. Yes, they may choose to go through with it anyways. But at least, they will respect you and give reconciliation a serious thought.

5. Space to reconsider their decision – The space that’s created with No Contact gives them a lot of time to think about what happened, get some realistic perspective, think about what they did wrong, whether things can be different and then maybe reconsider reconciliation.

Isn’t there a faster, less extreme way to make my ex go through this?

Wouldn’t it be nice if your ex  could go through all these things in a matter of days? Or maybe just a few hours?

Unfortunately, It’s not like a chemical reaction that you can speed up by adding a catalyst. These are human emotions, thoughts, and psychological processes, which naturally take time. You can help facilitate the process by giving them space and avoiding the mistakes I mentioned above, but it will still take its time. In most cases, it takes at least three weeks.

The Nitty Gritty of No Contact – And Different Advice From The Web

No contact can feel a lot and if you decide to do it, you may want to know exactly how to go about it. There is also a lot of different advice on the internet about it that may make it confusing. I’ve broken down all of it in four short points.

1. Indefinite vs. Definite – Some coaches recommend that no contact should last forever. While others recommend that it needs to be only for a few weeks or a few months. While the former coaches focus more on moving on from your ex (even if you want them back), the latter recommend giving it one last shot before giving up and moving on.

2. Strict vs Lenient –  Some people recommend to not speak to your ex at all (strict). While others recommend that some communication with your ex is okay as long as there is enough space created between the both of you (lenient or limited). It’s obviously necessary to have some contact with an ex if you share a child or some other responsibilities.

There’s also the recommendation to speak to your ex if they reach out to you during no contact. While this is a great option for most cases, it leaves you vulnerable to breadcrumbs and emotional manipulation from your ex, which may interfere with your healing.

Strict no contact is focused more on healing yourself (applicable for a messy breakup or one with toxic elements), lenient no contact is more suitable for situations where you and your ex have a history of being respectful and kind to each other.

3. Short vs long – If you decide to do no contact for a limited number of days, there is the argument for how long. My recommendation is at least 3 weeks since my experience has shown that most people need at least that much to start feeling better after the breakup. But the most popular length for no contact remains 30 days and it can go up to six months depending on what happened and how long it takes to feel confident enough to approach your ex.

Some articles and random people on the internet also advice no contact for as short as 24 hours which, in my opinion, is absolutely ludicrous. It doesn’t give anyone enough time to properly process the emotional mess left by a breakup. Even if it works, it also leaves you open to getting back in an unhealthy or toxic relationship that will end soon or worse – take a toll on your mental health and self-esteem.

4. Informing ex vs Not Informing ex – Some people advice that you should inform your ex that you are going to stop contacting them. Others recommend to just stop contact and ignore your ex if they reach out.

My approach is to be as kind as possible while keeping self-care and self-love as priority.

My best recommendation for no contact – If you and your ex are on speaking terms, tell them that you need to stop talking to them for a while because you need some time and space to heal from the breakup. If you are not on speaking terms, just start your no contact rule. During no contact, focus on self-care, self-love, and self-improvement rather than just waiting for it to end or hoping your ex will contact you. Do no contact for at least 21 days or 30 days (preferably more) before you consider speaking to them. At the end of that period, you can choose to extend no contact or contact your ex depending on how you feel.

Other popular recommendation –  There’s another advice popularized by Men’s dating coach Corey Wayne to tell your ex that you love them, that you want to get back together and that your door will always be open for them. If they reject you (which they most likely will), do no contact indefinitely and move on from them. If they reach out to you after a while, ask them out on a date as soon as possible.

I don’t recommend this approach because it leaves you open to another likely rejection, it leaves you open to breadcrumbs and emotional manipulation by your ex, and it can put you in a mindset where you are constantly waiting for your ex to reach out to you.

In addition, telling a narcissistic manipulator that your door is always open for them is giving them ammunition that they can (and will) use against you sometime in the future.

This approach makes sense if you are sure your relationship wasn’t toxic and are ready to give up on your ex and move on. But if you are taking this approach just because you hope your ex will reach out eventually, I advise against it.

What if my ex starts dating someone else while I do this?

This is one of the most painful thoughts for most people. But it helps to confront it and realize that even if it happens, it’s not a big deal.

The truth is, yes, your ex may start dating someone else after the breakup. Heck, they may already be dating someone else. It sucks, but it’s the truth.

However, panicking when an ex starts dating will only push them further away. Remember those mistakes I mentioned in the first part of this article? The thought of your ex dating someone else may just want you to make all of those mistakes. That includes texting and calling them, begging, using logic to convince them, letting them walk all over you, getting angry or being nasty etc.

But that is just going to push your ex even further away. And this time, you are pushing them away into the arms of their new boyfriend or girlfriend.

It helps to know that the love they had for you will not go away so easily and so soon. A lot of people start something called a rebound relationship soon after a breakup. These relationships are essentially a distraction for your ex.

In other words, the new person is a way to fill the gap left by you in their life. They hope they can replace you. But human bonds don’t work this way. They may date someone, but they won’t bond with them the same way they did with you. At least not until they have emotionally moved on from you.

A lot of our community members got their ex back even after their ex dated someone else during the breakup. When the rebound relationship ends, they have to face the breakup.

The TLDR of this – yes, your ex may date someone else. But in most cases, it doesn’t mean they will stop loving you or emotionally move on from you. You can still get them back. It may take some more time, but there is still hope.

So even if your ex starts dating someone, let them. Don’t try to stop it. Let them do what they feel they need to do. You do you.

What To Expect when you start no contact with an ex you want back?

Doubts. Anxiety. Fear. Followed by a sense of relief. And a sense of control.

Expect to have a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes good. Sometimes great. But also sometimes bad. And sometimes debilitating.

Expect the fear, doubts and anxiety to be the strongest when you just start no contact. Most people start feeling better after about 2-3 weeks of sticking to the guidelines and minimizing contact with their ex.

Think about it like this, the breakup has left a fresh wound and you were rubbing salt over it for a while. But now that you’ve stopped, it’s still going to hurt, maybe even more for a while. But it will eventually heal.

This is again why breadcrumbs from an ex can be harmful and why the approach I recommend puts your self-care above the idea of getting them back.

Speaking of which,

What to expect from your ex when you start no contact? (and what to do)

When they feel a vacuum, they may reach out, get angry, try to guilt trip you or do something to get your attention.

Just remember, don’t feel obligated to respond to them or get sucked back into the push-pull. Think about yourself and do what you need to do to heal from the breakup.

Note that just because you are putting self-care and healing above the idea of getting back together, doesn’t necessarily mean you are reducing your chances of getting back together or rejecting your ex or losing an opportunity.

On the contrary, prioritizing self-care and acting out of self-respect and self-love increases your chances even more because it closes the emotional rift between you and your ex.

For example, if your ex throws you a rope and you grab it holding on for your dear life, your ex may think, “Yeah, I still have them as a backup. No need to worry right now.”

But if you act out of self-care and self-love and maybe shut down their half-hearted approach, they will think, “Wait, is she really moving on from me?” or “Wait, is he really being honest about this. What if he finds some other girl?”

While that shouldn’t be the goal of self-care, it’s certainly a nice side effect. However, remember this doesn’t always happen. Your ex may not do any of those things. And that’s not a bad sign either.

There is still hope as long as you both have love for each other. And like I said before, it usually takes a long time for the love to fade away.

This is why you eventually should have a conversation with your ex after a little bit of inner work.

There is one very common theme amongst people who got their ex back and kept them. It’s accepting the breakup, taking responsibility for their part in it, and growing as a person.

Some of my community members call it an “inner shift”, some call it “inner work”, while others simply call it “self-improvement.”

The essence of it all is to not put your ex on a pedestal. You can still love them and want them back, but they don’t have to have so much power over your emotional and mental well-being.

You reach a point where you realize you don’t need your ex. Maybe you still want them back. But even if you don’t, you know you are going to be okay.

In a way, you break away from the co-dependency with your ex. And you realize what it’s like to be YOU again.

For a lot of people, it’s hard to imagine a state like that when the breakup is fresh and they desperately want their ex back.

But it changes as they implement self-care and self-love into practice.

Add some growth to the mixture, and you are a better, stronger version of yourself.

You become someone who wants their ex back – not from a position of fear, insecurity or weakness, but from a position of love, confidence and strength.

The love, in this equation, is for yourself as much as it is for your ex – if not more.

Note that while the following advice may not appeal to your emotional brain because it sounds like I am telling you to move on, try re-framing it as “sort of” moving on.

Because our emotional brain is wired to not let go of someone we love, you need to convince it to still do these things.

Remind yourself that you aren’t going to kill your love for your ex, you are just going to raise your self-worth. You can continue loving your ex while still ridding yourself of the co-dependency (read: desperation) for them. It doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Basic Self-Care After a Breakup – When the breakup is fresh, try to eat, sleep and drink as much water as you can. Take deep breaths frequently (consider setting reminders on your phone). Go for walks in nature or do some light exercise at home.

As you start feeling better take responsibility for your well-being and treat your body with respect. This means get some discipline in your eating (eat healthy), get a good sleeping routine (at least 8 hours every night), take care of your skin (at least moisturize and apply sunscreen), make sure you are hydrated (7 tall glasses of water a day), exercise enough so that you are in good shape (consider weight lifting, calisthenics, yoga, or some sport you are interested in).

2. Practicing Self-Love and Self-Respect After a Breakup – Self-love is essentially understanding yourself, accepting yourself and liking yourself. It’s closely related to self-esteem. Practicing self-love starts with being honest to yourself about who you are, what you like, what you dislike, what’s healthy for you and what’s not. It’s developing self-care routines on a weekly basis that you know your body and mind needs. These routines can range from going to therapy, going for long runs, meditating or even simply tidying up your house.

In addition, practicing self-love also includes facing and challenging negative thoughts that you may have about yourself. Instead of saying, “I am not worthy of love” or that “I am scared that people will not love me if they know the real me.”;

you challenge yourself and remind yourself that –

“I am strong and worthy of love. I may have some faults but I learn from my mistakes and am open to learning and being a better person.”

3. Have a support system – A good support system is paramount after a breakup. Have friends and family, who care about you and are honest to you, in close proximity. Speak to them when you feel the need to speak to your ex. Meet them when you feel lonely. Ask them for support when you feel down. Human beings need support systems and thrive when they have a good one. So if you don’t have one, it’s time to start building one.

4. Be prepared to miss your ex and obsessive thoughts – You may find yourself missing your ex intensely or thinking about them constantly. If it happens, process the feeling and the thoughts, but don’t let it get overwhelming. Don’t suppress your emotions, but don’t dwell on them for too long either. You may occasionally feel an intense urge to reach out to them. Try to let it pass and not act out of desperation. Try to not let these emotions and thoughts interfere with your self-care and self-love routine.

5. Regaining Individuality (Or Self-Concept Clarity) – The end of an important romantic relationship is associated with feelings of self-doubt. In other words, when you are in a relationship for a long time, you kind of forget who you are and your identity kind of ties in with the relationship. When a relationship ends, you feel your identity or individuality is lost.

David, who got his ex girlfriend back and has been with her for more than 10 years now said this about the 30 days of no contact he implemented,

“I think during that time it made me realize that I was an individual and she was an individual (I know that sounds obvious but when you are with someone for a while things start to mesh together) While we were split up, I ended up doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Going out and playing pool, joining a gym, going to a movie on my own ect.. When we eventually started talking again, I had a lot of things to talk about. I believe that was important. Showing that you are independent during the time you break up and that you are enjoying life.”

A 2020 study found that a lot of people who want an ex back do so because they think it will give them self-concept clarity. Or in other words, it will make them whole again. The study doesn’t really conclude if it actually happens or if the participants even got back with their ex.

But I’ve experienced that people who actually gain self-concept clarity (or individuality) without their ex have a higher chance of getting their ex back.

Without getting too technical, it simply means knowing one’s traits, beliefs and values and applying those values consistently across all facets of your life.

When you are a child, it’s as simple as knowing which M&Ms are your favorite and who is your best friend.

But when we grow up, we make things complicated. It doesn’t have to be. Just ask yourself what’s truly important to you and what type of people you really like. And then spend majority of your time and energy on those people and those things.

A simple example of a belief I recommend is the growth mindset. Which translates to, “I choose to be believe that I can learn from my mistakes and grow as a person. Failure doesn’t define who I am.” And you apply that mindset in every aspect of your life, including relationships, career, health and hobbies.

6. Accepting The Truth About Your Relationship – You want them back, but was your relationship really worth saving?

Like I said, breakup is a significant decision and if you both reached that stage in the relationship, then something really was broken.

Now a lot of people get back together and make it work; but a lot more don’t. It’s because when a relationship reaches that point, there is usually something really wrong there.

This is why it’s important to keep challenging your view about the past relationship and your ex as you go through this.

One question that helps a lot of readers is, “If you didn’t love your ex and you didn’t feel this intense connection with them, would you still want them back?”

Another simple question to consider – “Is your ex the type of person you would want in your life aside from being a romantic partner?”

And most importantly – “Do you think your ex treated you with the respect and love you deserve?”

There are a lot of questions you can and should ask yourself about your ex and your previous relationship as you are going through this.

My advice is to repeatedly ask yourself these questions every week since starting no contact. As time goes by, your perspective changes, and you think more clearly. Consequently, your answer to these questions may change.

Remember, being skeptical of getting back together is a win-win situation for you. It increases your chances of getting back together and it increases your chances of moving on. While your emotional brain may not see it yet, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

7. Learning From The Past and Growth – In whatever way you contributed to the breakup, you can learn from your mistakes and become a better partner. In most cases, this includes –

• Working on your self-esteem or insecurity.
• Learning how to communicate better in relationships.
• Learning how to set clear boundaries.
• Regaining your individuality.
• Learning that you can love yourself and you don’t need a relationship to be happy.
• Cultivating an abundance mindset (or learning that there is enough love out there for you).
• Educating yourself about toxic and unhealthy, or narcissistic relationship patterns.
• Educating yourself about attachment styles and what it means in relationships.
• Educating yourself about love languages and how they affect relationships.

While it’s not possible to cover all of the above, I will talk about two very common reasons people find themselves in an unwanted breakup.

They are insecurity and unhealthy communication patterns.

Insecurity in relationships comes from a lack of self-confidence or fear of inadequacy. This insecurity shows itself in things such as jealousy, constant need for reassurance, and mistrust. And that causes a lot of issues in relationships –

1. Jealousy, Mistrust and Possessiveness: Insecurity can make people jealous, fearing that their partner might find someone better. This leads to possessive behaviors, trying to control their partner’s freedom and blaming them for not being loyal. This often leads to unwarranted accusations and arguments.
2. Constant Need for Reassurance: Insecure individuals might frequently seek validation and reassurance from their partner, which can feel exhausting and burdensome to them.
3. Communication Problems: Insecurity can make individuals less open and honest, fearing judgment or rejection. As a result, communication in such relationships have a focus on avoiding blame, keeping scores, walking on eggshells (read: minimizing conflict), or maintaining a facade of harmony. Real issues, are often swept under the rug.
4. Dependency and Control: Insecure individuals might become overly dependent on their partner or attempt to control them to feel secure. This can stifle the partner’s independence and create an unhealthy, imbalanced dynamic. This is more common in anxiously attached individuals.
5. Emotional Withdrawal: Insecurity might lead someone to withdraw emotionally, fearing vulnerability. This withdrawal can create emotional distance and a sense of disconnection. This is more common in avoidant individuals.

When these issues persist, they can erode the foundations of the relationship (which usually is trust, respect and affection) and lead to a breakup. While you are doing no contact, it’s important to ask yourself if you had any traits of insecurity, learn to be aware of it, and learn healthy communication and boundary setting to stop yourself from making the same mistakes again.

A great example of this is one of my clients Sarah who was extremely insecure in her relationship and did pretty much everything above apart from emotional withdrawal. Once she became aware of her insecurity, it was an instant light switch moment for her. She started addressing the root cause of it in therapy. But the things that brought the most change in her behavior was simply acknowledging her insecurity and communicating it honestly.

For example, earlier, if her partner couldn’t receive her calls, she would get furious and make a devious plan to make him feel the same way she did. She would ignore his calls or send a text to a guy she knew her partner was jealous of.

But once she acknowledged this behavior and learned how terrible it was, she simply communicated with her partner that when he doesn’t pick up her calls, it makes her very angry and she feels terrible. Her partner obviously cared about her and told her that he will make sure to send a text as soon as possible if he can’t receive her calls. Her insecurity regarding this slowly faded away and now she trusts her partner enough to not let this be an issue.

Additional Advice and Common Pitfalls

Constant reminders that your ex will come back are not true – The internet is full of people claiming your ex will come back if you just wait for them. Don’t wait for an ex. It doesn’t always happen. See our study and the updated stories of other commenters for a realistic view of what actually happens.

Managing hope and taking control – It’s good to have hope of getting back together. But false hope can keep you from truly accepting the breakup. This is why it’s important to focus on things you can control. If after a while you still want your ex back, reach out to them instead of hoping they will do it first.

Deeper wounds and emotional baggage – Some truths are easier to ignore than facing them head on. While in this stage, if you come across something from the past that is extremely hurtful, then you should get help. You don’t need to do this alone by yourself. There are professionals and services to help you heal. Consider going to a therapist, a counselor or a breakup coach.

How does acceptance and growth affect your ex?

If you have successfully created space between you and your ex, then your acceptance and growth should not affect your ex at all unless they come to know about it.

However, if they have been keeping tabs on you via mutual friends, family or social media; then they will get a sense about where you are.

Hearing about your growth may inspire them to work on their issues and growth as well. Or it may compel them to reach out to you and maybe even try to get you back.

But again, don’t wait for it to happen. It’s not something you can control.

Yes, you can influence your ex by posting on social media or indirect communication via mutual friends, but that’s not the type of communication that leads to a healthy relationship.

In fact, such type of communications fly dangerously close to manipulation. Not to mention the possibility of it backfiring, misinterpretation and making you look desperate and needy. While your intentions may be good, it’s best to avoid such things and focus on something real.

An honest conversation.

By this time,  which should ideally be at least three weeks from the initial breakup or from the time you stopped pushing your ex, a lot of your ex’s defenses around the idea of getting back together start to crumble.

Particularly, the decision of getting back together does not need to be defended. Because if enough time has passed, then the breakup, in a way, has already happened. Even more so, if you, the person who didn’t want the breakup, have accepted the breakup.

Getting back together now will be, in a way, a new relationship.

Especially if there have been enough changes in the way both of you communicate and handle relationship issues.

But for things to progress,  you and your ex need to talk. And this gets a bit tricky if you have not been talking for a while.

By tricky, I mean the variety of advice on the internet can confuse you.

But to keep things simple – if you feel the need to say something to your ex after enough time has passed, you reach out and say it. Not out of neediness or desperation, but from confidence and acceptance.

Because if you have truly accepted the breakup and the possibility that you may never get back together, it’s going to show in the way you speak to your ex.

My Views On The Different Advice About This Stage

Again, there is different advice about this stage on the internet. One popular advice I mentioned earlier is to never reach out to your ex again after you start no contact. You let them reach out to you, which is the equivalent of moving on.

While it makes sense to a lot of people. It’s not always very effective in getting an ex back.

Mainly because not all exes reach out and if they do, by the time it happens, you have already moved on.

Sometimes, it also makes you vulnerable to false hope that stops you from accepting the true nature of the relationship and your ex.

But speaking strictly in terms of getting your ex back, the last time your ex spoke to you was probably not the best version of you. Especially if you were needy and didn’t know how to be honest and communicate effectively.

While they may remember the good times more favorably because of the fading effect bias and nostalgia, they won’t forget the reasons the breakup happened. They only forget the negative feelings associated with it.

According to Advanced in Experimental Social Psychology: Volume 49, chapter 3 of the fading effect bias.

“the affect associated with positive memories tends to fade more slowly from event occurrence to event recall than the affect associated with negative memories,”

Or in simpler scientific terms

“the emotional intensity of bad memories tends to fade away”

For example, they will remember that you were insecure, or that you both fought, or that you ignored them. But they won’t remember how terrible that fight made them feel, or how your insecurity made them feel trapped and want to shut down, or how helpless and frustrated they felt when you shut down and didn’t give them the time or attention they deserved.

These reasons might not be prominent in their mind, but they will remember them. And those reasons will prevent them from truly being open to letting you back in their life.

The reasons you have accepted and worked on during the no contact period. For example, you may have gone from being insecure to being confident, worked on your self-esteem, learned to love yourself, learned to communicate better and set clear boundaries. Things that your ex couldn’t imagine you doing.

A real conversation with an ex can help get past that hurdle and alleviate any grudges or misconceptions about you they may be holding.

But this also poses a problem because if you just call your ex and tell them of all the changes, it feels like another desperate attempt to get them back.

And again, the trusty internet steps in with confusing, often manipulative, advice.

Some coaches recommend to reach out in a casual manner, as if the breakup never happened, try to make them jealous, flirt a lot, play mind games over texts, and if you are force sensitive, use Jedi mind tricks on your ex.

But that, as you may have guessed, doesn’t really translate into a healthy foundation of a long lasting relationship.

My advice is to restart contact with your ex by acknowledging what happened before, give a brief overview of what you have been doing and be honest about what you want. And then, just let things progress organically.

Remember, at this point, you should be as skeptical as them about getting back together. So you don’t really ask to get back together. You just ask to get back in touch or catch up.

I explain this in more detail in my article on what to do after no contact and what to text.

Once you are back in touch, you speak to them how you would naturally speak and ask them out whenever you feel comfortable.

Remember, phone calls, texts and emails should only be used to get back in touch. If you both never meet, your ex will never really feel attracted to you enough to want to get back together.

An Overview of Different Advice On Talking To an Ex After No Contact

To give you an overview, here are some different approaches that are recommended by different dating coaches around the world –

1. After starting no contact, leave the ball in your ex’s court. Let your ex reach out to you. When they do, immediately ask them out.
2. If your ex reaches out to you before you do, speak to them, see what they have to say, and based on how you feel – ask them out or play it slow.
3. Reach out after a certain number of days – keep it light and casual. Use past memories to remind them of the good times or try to make them jealous. (Least recommended by me)
4. Reach out when you are emotionally ready – you can choose to keep it light, or be honest about your approach. Just don’t put too much pressure on your ex and don’t act out of neediness.

My most recommended approach is the second and fourth one. That is, if your ex reaches out, speak to them and be patient. Don’t follow a set formula. But treat your ex as a human being and listen to what they have to say. If it feels like they need more time, give it to them. If it feels like they are ready to meet, ask them out. If speaking to them affects you negatively, then consider asking for more space.

On the other hand, if you have healed emotionally, enough time has passed and your ex hasn’t reached out, then reach out with confidence, honesty and tact. Don’t be afraid to talk about your intentions. But don’t be desperate or needy about it.

Additional Advice if Your Ex Reaches out to you First

If an ex reaches out, it could be just a breadcrumb to keep you as a backup with no intention of getting back together.

Or it could be that they are genuinely missing you and just want to talk.

In some cases, they will outright tell you that they want to get back together or meetup.

So be mentally prepared for everything. And act keeping yourself as a priority.

One important thing to keep in mind when interacting with your ex is to be yourself. You want your ex to be attracted to you. Not someone you are pretending to be. While you shouldn’t display the needy, desperate part of yourself; you also shouldn’t pretend to be completely over them if you still have feelings for them.

Be honest, be yourself, but don’t be overwhelming.

One of our readers from back in 2014 got TikTok famous when one of her video about getting her ex back using out advice got viral. She even got featured in some news publications.

What worked for her was simply being cool when her ex reached out first.

She said [speaking of our free email course], “The emails would tell me not to be desperate or text him emotionally,” She continued, “I’d want to text ‘I want to get back together’ but I waited and just told him how I was doing well at university,”

She let her ex take his own time and move things at his own pace. All she had to do was not be overwhelming.

They got back together 3 months after the breakup, moved in again in 2015, got married in 2017, had their first child in 2019 and are still living happily together.

On the other hand, one of our readers, Kaitlyn’s ex reached out to her intermittently for almost two years with no definite sign of getting back together. She said,

“We stayed in contact after the breakup. I was obsessed with the idea of “getting him back”. So I worked on myself by working out, making friends and going out to be more social. I admit that all of this was to appear as if I had moved on and was entirely for the wrong reasons. We occasionally hung out and then it gave me false hope that we would work things out just for him to continue his single life coming in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. I did eventually put myself back out there and started dating. I wasn’t ready but I thought it would help. It did not. But surrounding myself with solid girlfriends helped tremendously.”

It did eventually work out for her though. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you truly helps. This is what Kaitlyn said –

“In all my efforts to appear like I had my life together, I slowly started to actually take care of myself and it became less about him and more about me. About 2 years later, I met my (now) husband. And I would never trade any of this heartbreak or experience for anything because it truly helped make me stronger. I will say, my ex did profess his love for me once he saw I became serious with someone else (they always do). It was too little too late, of course.”

The point is human beings have different intentions and different motivations when they reach out to an ex. Heck, every one has got their own emotional baggage to deal with. So don’t try to follow a formula. Instead, be mindful of your own emotions, act with self-care/self-respect and put forward the best version of yourself.

Additional Advice if you Decide to Reach out to Your Ex

If your ex hasn’t reached out for a while, it’s worth it to consider reaching out to them and have a conversation. My most recommended approach comes from a place of honesty, confidence and tact.

1. First make sure enough time has passed. In most cases, I recommend at least three weeks of space before reaching out.
2. Second, make sure you are in a better mental space and have gone through the things recommended above in Step 3. That is, you have healed, have a self-care routine, have friends and family to rely on, and have accepted the breakup.
3. Third, make sure you actually have a potential of a healthy relationship with your ex.
4. Lastly, make sure you are not coming from a place of desperation, manipulation or neediness. It’s okay to want your ex back, but it’s not okay if you desperately need your ex to feel good about yourself.

When you reach out, the first message should have these components –

• Acceptance of the breakup (so they don’t feel the need to defend it).
• A genuine apology for any mistakes you made (to address any grudges they may have been holding)
• A brief insight into your past behavior (to show that you are mature and more understanding)
• An invitation to talk (not about getting back together. Just to see how they are.)

In a lot of cases, your ex may need a few days to process such a message. Sometimes, they don’t reply for a few days. But then open up after that. Sometimes, they immediately reply. And in some rare cases, they are even angry or pissed off.

Whatever your ex’s reaction may be, it will give you a good idea of where they stand emotionally about you. It will tell you if they still care about you and respect you enough to reply. And that is very important information that can help you move forward. In getting them back or letting go of them.

As you both start speaking more, you will naturally flirt, sometimes talk about the past, sometimes talk about the changes you have both made, or sometimes just have a good time together.

Whatever happens, choose to BE YOURSELF. After all, you want your ex to want YOU back. Not someone who follows weird rules made up by breakup coaches trying to be unique.

David, said this about reaching out to his ex girlfriend after 30 days of no contact.

“I think it’s important that when you start trying to initiate contact again that you show that you are being positive and supportive. I only reached out to her because she wanted me to and she was happy to speak to me after the short period of non-contact. I do remember after the 30 days helping my ex (my ex at the time) pack her things prior to went she went to Florida. That resonated with her because she couldn’t find anyway else willing to help, and she knew I was hurt that she was moving. She did not end up moving, we got back together, and we are now married with two children.”

One of our coaching clients, Hannah, said this on our trustpilot page.

“After some time, I reached out to tell him that I was there for him no matter what (and I genuinely was ready to accept the break-up at this point). It wasn’t until I was level-headed and in a better place emotionally that we were able to reconnect and, at that point, he was missing me so much that the clarity came around and he asked to get back together. We broke up in February and got back together two months later.[…]and since then our relationship has been incredibly intentional and joyful. We got engaged last month[…]”

But it’s not always a traditional happy ending. Sometimes exes don’t reply. Sometimes, they reply but are cold. And sometimes they are outright rude. While those outcomes may feel terrible to someone who wants their ex back, it’s actually still progress. One of my email subscriber, Jan, said this after he reached out to his ex respectfully.

“Reaching out after 5 weeks of no contact. She was extremely rude, disrespectful and told me to leave her alone.”

For context, he never did anything that was disrespectful to her. Didn’t act needy or desperate after the breakup. And gave her the space when she needed it. His ex’s reaction was extreme and it happens very rarely. But it can still happen. And it sucked for him. Made him feel like a creep. Made him feel like he ruined all chances of her reaching out to him. But in reality, it just showed him what type of person his ex really was. I followed up with him after about 10 weeks and this is what he said.

“Reaching out to her and her acting disrespectful did two things to me. First, it somewhat gave me closure / made me stop wondering about „what if we get to talk again“. I got an answer, even though it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear at that time. And second, it really opened my eyes about what I expect from a woman in terms of communication and effort. I got to know my worth, I know what i deserve and what I won’t accept. And looking back at it, her behaviour is something that a loving and caring person doesn’t deserve. I’m not asking myself anymore, if things would have went differently, if I didn’t reach out at that time. I’m glad I did and the whole experience let me grow as a person. And your course helped me do so. Realise what role I played and who I want to be for the next woman I open my heart for. Even tho it felt like she was at the time we were together, she wasn’t the one. That’s for sure. “

Like I said before, even if things don’t work out the way you imagine they would, if at this stage you still want your ex back, reaching out to an ex can give you a lot of insights that can help you move forward.

Sometimes, reaching out doesn’t have to mean a message or a text. If you and your ex have to interact with each other (such as due to work, or shared custody), then it may mean showing them you are interested in them. As long as you are being yourself and not acting out of desperation, it’s okay to do whatever you feel like you need to do after enough time has passed.

One guy, who had been convinced by breakup coaches that he needs to give his ex space until she tells him she wants him back, said this on a Reddit Post.

“We took the children out to a theme park for the Halloween celebrations, and I just thought she looked so beautiful. So I broke the rules again by flirting with her relentlessly, like I would have before we get together. She flirted back and we had a great time. […] We met again the next evening, and spoke for a long time again. About where we had both gone wrong, and how we had missed each other. […] We arranged a date, went out and had a great time. We’ve been back together about a month now, taking it very slowly but things seem to be moving in a good direction. […] I wanted to put it out there as an example that maybe sometimes going off script could be the move. If I had never broken the rules, I wouldn’t have this second chance.”

Again, different situations, different exes, and different approaches can give different results. Relationships are complex and there isn’t a formula that will work for everyone.

Treat your ex like a human being and give yourself room to make a decision for yourself. Remember your ex loved you once and they probably still have feelings for you. So don’t try to be someone you are not.

The core advice here is similar to if your ex reaches out first. BE YOURSELF. But don’t be overwhelming.

Additional Advice if You Decide to Wait for Your Ex to Reach Out First

My recommendation is to not wait for an ex, but rather be proactive and reach out to your ex when you are ready.

However, some people want to give their ex a lot of space and just prefer letting them come back on their own.

If that makes sense to you, my advice is to not wait for your ex. Instead move on. If they ever reach out, then think about whether or not you should take them back. But until then, focus on living your best life with no expectations of getting back together.

This is also the advice of one of our community member, lizgrim, whose ex came back after about 4-5 months of her waiting for him. They even got married and have a healthy relationship. But she still felt regret for giving him so much emotional power over her during their time apart.

This is what she said in her forum post.

“And definitely don’t sit at home crying waiting on them to come back. Don’t put your life on hold. Go out and explore. Do stuff. Kiss whoever you want. F**k whoever you want. That’s my regret. That I stayed home and waited for him. That I spent an entire summer letting him affect me. That I wasted months of my life I will never get back. The only reason he came back was because I moved out. Because I moved on. Because I wasn’t staying at home for him anymore. He was terrified of losing me and I made sure he knew he wasn’t going to have me anymore with someone else in his life. I know this won’t work for everyone. I know every relationship is different but I truly think no matter what, you need to focus on yourself. Get a hair cut. Work out. Enjoy your life without them.”

Dangers of getting back in touch with an ex

As in the case of Kaitlyn, an ex who has too much power over your emotions can keep you hooked on them, never commit to getting back together and prevent you from moving on.

Whether your ex reaches out to you first, or whether you reach out to them; there is always a danger of getting back in an unhealthy or toxic pattern with an ex. Especially if you have not really healed enough and still put them on a pedestal. The danger is even more if you don’t have a support system of friends and family to guide you in times of need.

So it’s important to keep those things in mind before you let your ex back in your life. If you are sure that your ex respects you enough to never use or abuse you, then you needn’t worry about it. But sadly, that’s not always the case.

The Way You Feel About Yourself Is How Your Ex Is Likely To Feel About You

When you get back in touch with your ex, they will subconsciously look at the way you feel about yourself to figure out how they should feel about you.

If they feel that you respect yourself, then they will also respect you. If they feel you love yourself, then they will think you are worthy of their love. If they feel you care about your well-being, then they will also care about your well-being.

If you believe you deserve more than being someone’s backup, then they will stop thinking of you as their backup. If you believe you deserve a relationship where you are your partner’s priority, then they will make you a priority when you get back together.

So it’s not so much what you say, it’s the sub-conscious actions, your tone, your body language, what you do when you are not speaking to them, the choices you make, the boundaries you set, the things you say no to, and everything as a whole that’s going to determine what your ex feels about you.

And this is again, why Step 3, acceptance and growth is so important. If you have truly accepted the breakup, then they are going to feel the breakup has already happened, and as a result, they won’t feel the need to defend their decision. Consequently, they will be more open to the possibility of getting back together.

When you and your ex start talking and spending time with each other, one of the following happens.

• They show interest in getting back together pretty early. Maybe around 2-3 days of starting to talk to you.
• They show interest but are skeptical to meet or make any commitments.
• They are friendly, but keep you at an arm’s length. Never really committing to a meeting and being careful about what they say to you (so as not to give you false hope).
• They are cold, rarely initiating, and shutting down any conversations you try to start.

There are two things to consider while moving forward. Your emotional state and your ex’s emotional state.

Your ex may just need more space and time before they are ready to meet up or show an interest. Or your ex may be very skeptical about any changes you’ve made and just your overall compatibility with them.

But on the other hand, they may also want to explore their options while keeping you as a backup.

Your emotional state is also important. While you may have worked a lot to rid yourself of any co-dependency from your ex, you may still get sucked back into the emotional dynamics that happened while you were still together.

Speaking to your ex without any progress towards reconciliation may make you feel like being stuck in purgatory.

My advice at this time is to put your emotional and mental health above the idea of getting your ex back, and giving your ex the time, space or explanation they need second.

If not making any progress is affecting you emotionally, then ask them out or talk about your intentions of getting back together. If it feels necessary, make one last attempt and then go indefinite no contact.

But if you are okay with simply speaking to them, if it feels natural and it doesn’t interfere with your self-care activities; then give your ex the space and time they need.

Sometimes, your ex may need to talk a lot on the phone or text to let go of any grudges or resentment they may be holding towards you. If that seems to be the case, speak to them about it, but don’t turn the conversation to getting back together. Give them space to process what’s being said and let it be their idea.

Sometimes, your ex may just want to have a light conversation, flirt a bit or act like the way you both did when you first started dating. If it feels fun to you as well, then participate in the same capacity. But if it feels emotionally overwhelming, consider shutting it down and set clear boundaries.

Eventually, they will either show interest in getting back together, or it will be abundantly clear that it’s not meant to be.

For the latter, know you’ve tried your best and let go of your ex knowing it truly wasn’t meant to be.

For the former, build your relationship on the foundation of honesty, trust, respect and healthy communication. See below for some guidelines before officially getting back together.

Talking about getting back together

As you and your ex start talking (as mentioned in step 4), the topic of the past relationship, what has changed since the breakup and how things could be different will naturally come up every once in a while.

When it does, don’t be afraid to talk about it in detail. But if the topic hasn’t come up yet, you should bring it up before officially getting back together.

• Talk about what caused the breakup.
• What were the root issues that caused you both to drift apart? How did you contribute to it and how did they contribute to it?
• How you will be different.
• How they will be different.
• If you both have different attachment styles, talk about it with them openly and clearly.
• What specific actions can you both take to not repeat the same patterns again?
• What are your boundaries and deal breakers?
• What are their boundaries and deal breakers?
• Would it make sense to go to couples therapy together?
• Would it make sense to have a trial period before officially getting back together?

 In addition, watch out for these red flags –

• Your ex not taking any responsibility for their part in the breakup and the decline of the relationship.
• Your ex blaming you constantly for everything that went wrong.
• Your ex acting like they are better than you and are doing you a favor.
• Your ex not prioritizing you or treating you with the respect you deserve.
• Your ex keeping you as a backup while they explore other options.
• Your ex lying about what they did or didn’t do while you were apart. (While it’s okay for them to not share everything, lying about it is a sign of dishonesty).
• Your ex keeping you around while never really committing to a meetup.
• Your ex continues having sex with you but never really talks about getting back together.
• Your ex wants you to be friends with benefit.

Most of these red flags are a sign of your ex not being serious about getting back together in a healthy relationship. Remember, your ex also must be committed to making this work. That’s the only scenario where it’s worth getting back together. If they are not committed, then you are better off letting them go.

How To let them go if it doesn’t work out?

The decision to let an ex go may seem impossible right now, but if you have reached this point in the journey, it gets easier.

One reason for that is because you’ve tried your best to make it work. You’ve given the due effort and paid respect to the love you have for your ex. As a result, your mind feels at ease knowing that it was never meant to be.

Another reason it’s easier to let go is because of the inner shift that happens during the process. As you are no longer dependent on your ex for your happiness, you start seeing the true nature of the relationship and your ex. While they may still be a good person, you sometimes realize they weren’t good for you.

As you let them go, fall back on your support system, continue doing the self-care activities that you did during no contact, give yourself some more time to fully accept that it’s over, and whenever you are emotionally ready, get back out there and start dating again.

If it doesn’t work, should you try all over again?

A lot of people reach this point and feel like going for another round of no contact and trying again after a few months. If that’s you, there’s no harm in doing so.

But know this – the longer you hold on to the wrong person, the harder it will be for the right person to find their way to you.

I know that sounds like something someone would post on an Instagram reel.

But there is wisdom in that. A lot of my community members found their person after they let go of their ex. Some of them even realized that their ex was toxic and they are better off without them.

But if you still feel your ex is worth it, that they need more space and time, and that you can benefit from doing all of this over again, then go ahead.

But for the second time around, I recommend the “Let them know you still have feelings for them and move on” approach. Essentially, you leave the ball in your ex’s court. And just focus on moving on from them.

Because they have probably already seen the changes in you, this strategy will be more effective now as compared to immediately after the breakup when you were desperate and needy.

In addition, consider setting a time limit in your mind about getting your ex back. For example, you can tell yourself something like, “I am only going to wait for my ex, or try to get them back for the next six months until [Month] [Year]. If we are not back together by then, I will cut them off and completely move on.”

Doing this is a better psychological strategy than waiting for your ex because it puts you in control and stops you from indefinitely waiting for someone who may never come.

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past eleven years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share much more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period, heal from the breakup and teach you how to effectively get your ex back when you are ready.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. The EBP Basics Quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

*You can unsubscribe at any time.
**There will be no spam. I promise.

*The Privacy of our readers and clients is important to us. The names and certain details in the case studies have been modified to protect their privacy.

Experience of Others With Update

We emailed our commenters to update on their situation and give whatever valuable lessons they have to share. A lot of them were kind enough to give an update. So you can see their original comment at the time of the breakup and an update. Some of these updates are after almost 10 years, while others are only after a few years.

All the original comments and their updates can be found in the comment section below.

You will find a variety of perspectives and advice below. You may not resonate with it all. But one common theme you will find is that you are going to be okay, no matter what.

Some important points about the experience section –

• To keep the update section fair, we have only included updates from people who publicly posted on our website at one point of time. These do not include updates from our customer and clients, the information of which is kept private.
• To provide a complete picture of what happens after a breakup, we posted updates from everyone who replied. We did not omit out an update or a perspective because of a personal bias or to create a certain narrative (such as all exes come back).
• The updates are not edited. They are posted the same way we received them.
• This is a slow and ongoing project. We are going to keep reaching out to people and continue posting the updates here.

Are these comments authentic and genuine?

To provide full transparency, you can see the original comment by clicking on the comment link. You can also find the original comments that were made years ago on web archive.(I’ll make a more detailed page for this if needed)

As for the updates, they were obtained via email by emailing the commenters, the proof of which can be provided on request.

But more importantly, read the comment section. These are real stories. As you read these stories, you will have no doubts about the authenticity of these comments.