Text messages are one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back. But you must use them correctly or you might end up losing your ex forever.

This in-depth guide will tell you how to use text messages correctly (with examples) when you are trying to win your ex back.

Why text messages and how you can use them to get your ex back?

If you call your ex all of a sudden, they will probably think that you want something from them.

If you send your ex an email, it’ll be impossible to have a conversation with them. This makes it look like you don’t want to speak with them, alluding to the conclusion that you want to move on or you just want closure.

But a text message has the right amount of ambiguity. It leaves enough doubt for your ex to wonder what is going on with you and why you are contacting them. This curiosity gives you a unique opportunity to make them attracted to you again. To build rapport. To build trust.

But there’s a catch. You can’t just text anything to your ex and expect them to start feeling attracted to you. Would you feel attracted to someone who texted you something like this?

Hey, I still want you back. Please come back to me

Or

“I don’t think I can ever find someone like you. Please come back.”

Or

“I am sorry for cheating on you with your best friend. I’ll never do it again. Please come back.”

You cannot simply send them anything that comes to your mind. In fact, if you text your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend the wrong way, you will most likely turn them off and make them lose attraction, connection and trust. And that’s where I come in.

My name is Kevin Thompson and I’ve been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. Over the years, texting has become an important tool to reconnect with your ex after a breakup. So I decided to create the ultimate guide for the art of using text messages to get your ex back.

This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.

This guide has five parts.

  1. When you should text your ex
  2. The Basics of texting your ex
  3. Texting your ex for the first time
  4. Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
  5. Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date

In case you’ve not yet read our guide on getting your ex back, you should go ahead and do so [it’s free]. This will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to know about a lot of things other than texting.

Guide On Getting Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Guide On Getting Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]

Alright, now that you’ve read the article and are ready to get your ex back permanently. Let’s start.

Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend?

Before you text your ex, you must have answers to a few very specific questions.

  • Why are you texting your ex?
  • Why do you want to get back together?
  • Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
  • What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

If you’ve just broken up and landed on this article, then there’s a good chance that your answers to the above questions will be something like this.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Now, I am not sure if you see what’s wrong with these answers, so let me analyze them for you and tell you why answers like these show that you are not ready to contact your ex.

Are you sure that you are contacting your ex for the right reasons? Want to skip ahead to the next part of this article? The part where I talk about texting? Click here to scroll down to the next section of this article.

Why are you texting your ex?

  • Because I want to get my ex back.
  • Because I miss my ex.
  • Because I just want to speak to them.
  • Because I have a few questions and I want closure.

Analyzing Answers:

You should only text your ex if you want them back.

If you are texting them to get closure, you are just wasting your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.

It will not give you closure and it will certainly not help you get over them. If you are texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend because you miss them, then it will just make you look needy and desperate and it will make them not want to text you.

Why do you want to get back together?

  • Because I love my ex.
  • Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
  • This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.

Analyzing Answers:

Do you notice how all the above answers are about what you want and not your ex or your relationship?

Why would this work if your ex doesn’t love you, if your ex can live without you, and if the breakup is not as painful for them as it is for you?

None of those reasons are good enough for your ex to even consider getting back together.

But let’s just focus on yourself for a moment. Are these reasons good enough for you to want them back?

Sure, you love your ex now, but you can move on and start loving someone again.

After all, everyone in this world has the capability to move on from a breakup and start loving someone again. It’s the way humans are built.

Sure, you feel the breakup pain is too much for you right now. But studies after studies have shown that you can recover from a breakup. With time and proper care, you heal and start feeling better, happier, and more confident.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?

  • Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
  • Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
  • Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.

Analyzing Answers:

Again, all these reasons are focused on you and not really give an incentive for your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to want to get back together.

In fact, reasons like this show that you are just focused on yourself and don’t really care about what your ex wants. They also show that you are insecure and needy.

Why would they get back together with someone who is so selfish and insecure?

But, I will do anything to get back together. How is that selfish?

Just because you will do anything doesn’t mean your reasons for getting back together are altruistic. Let’s look at your answers to the third question.

What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?

  • I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
  • I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
  • I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.

Analyzing Answers:

If you can realize your mistakes now and can stop yourself from making them again, why didn’t you do it while you still had your ex?

If it was so easy to stop making mistakes, then you wouldn’t have let your ex leave you in the first place.

In reality, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to make real changes in your behavior and habits. It takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to stop making your insecurity and neediness affect your relationship. In a lot of cases, it takes professional help to let go of the bad habits that ruin your love life and relationships.

In fact, if you just broke up, then there’s a good chance you don’t really understand the real reason you broke up. Take this quiz to help you understand why you broke up and what are your chances of getting back together.

If you just broke up, your ex has no reason to believe things will be different this time. And they will have no reason to want to try again.

If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Again, read the 5 step plan to learn how to do that.

The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then you will be ready to contact your ex.

Of course, you should also do no contact before you text them. You can also send them a short email or a hand written letter before you decide to text them for the first time. More about no contact, the email and the hand written letter can be found in the 5 step plan to get your ex back.

Should you text your ex on their birthday or special occasions?

If you are doing no contact, then you should avoid texting your ex during birthdays or any other special occasions. Texting them on birthdays or special occasions does not accomplish anything. Moreover, they might feel like you are using the special occasion to get back in touch with them. And that will make you look desperate.

If you really want to wish them on birthdays or on a special occasion, it is best to keep the text short and to the point. For example, a birthday text should be something like this.

Hey, Happy Birthday!. I hope you have a great year ahead.

You should not use the text to start a conversation. For example, this text is not recommended when you wish them birthday.

Hey, Happy Birthday. I have been missing you. How have you been?

See, this text makes it obvious that you are using your ex’s birthday to start a conversation with them. This will turn them off and make them not want to talk to you.

What if my ex’s birthday fall at the end of no contact?

In this situation, I recommend that you extend no contact for another week or two. You can wish them on their birthday but you should still stick to the script and keep the conversation short.

What if my ex wants to speak to me after I wish them?

If they respond to you asking a question, answer to them in an upbeat manner but don’t give them anything to extend the conversation.

For example,

Thank you. How have you been?

I have been doing well. Thank you for asking.

Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back

Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics, follow a few templates and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.

Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.

  • Make them crave your text.
  • They should be excited to receive a text from you.
  • They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
  • Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
  • Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
  • Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
  • Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).

exciting ex with text messagesTo achieve that, you must remember the golden rule. The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.

Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.

You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.

If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.

How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.

You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.

I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.

Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.

To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.

You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.

If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.

What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?

Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.

You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.

The Frequency of Texting.

Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.

You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?

That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.

If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.

But if you start with just one text message and slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.

It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.

OK Kevin, but how do I do that?

Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.

  • Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
  • Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
  • Day 3: Same as Day 2.
  • Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
  • Day 5: Same as Day 2
  • Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
  • Day 8: Same as Day 6.
  • Day 9: Same as Day 7.
  • Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
  • Day 11: Same as Day 6
  • Day 12: Same as Day 7
  • Day 13: Same as Day 7
  • Day 14: Same as Day 10

Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.

Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation

If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.

Miscommunication

Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.

This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.

sarcasm-texting-ex

Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant.

Negativity

Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.

1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.

2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.

3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.

If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.

For example,

I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.

I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.

For example,

Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.

You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.

Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.

If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,

It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.

You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?

Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.

WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?

There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?

It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.

Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.

Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact

Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.

What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?

Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.

When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.

The Memory Text.

This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.

For example,

Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?

Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?

You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.

For example,

Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?

The Advice Text

One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.

The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.

But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.

For example,

Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?

Sure.

See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.

We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]

Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.

Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?

This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice. Here’s another example using the same template.

Hey, my friend just started cooking and he asked me a weird question. I am totally confused. Can I ask you about it?

OK

Is it okay to add onions when I am cooking a steak?

Umm, if it’s a good quality steak, it’s probably best not to add any onions. But if you want to experiment, go ahead.

Thanks. I love how you are so good at cooking anything. And I loved the chili you made for me that day. Where did you learn to make it?

Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.

Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.

The Elephant in the Room Text.

elephant-texting

What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?

If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of

“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”

You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about how Jon Snow knew nothing in the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

jon-snow-texting-ex

I am not obsessed with Jon Snow. I just haven’t watched the latest season yet. (No spoilers in the comment section.)

If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.

You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.

How do you go about it?

You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.

1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup

2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed

3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)

Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)

Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I am still working on a report that will list all these templates. If you are interested in the report, just take the quiz and subscribe to the Ex Back Permanently Basics series. I’ll notify you whenever the report is complete.

Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust

Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.

Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.

You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.

The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.

Here’s how you go about doing this.

1. Building Attraction with text messages

You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?

Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?

What do they mean by that?

Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.

But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.

It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.

Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.

For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.

And suppose you sent them a text like this.

“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”

Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?

When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.

On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.

“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”

Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.

You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.

But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.

“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”

That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.

But you can do something like this.

You will not believe what just happened.

What?

My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.

2. Building connection and trust using text messages

You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.

Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone

There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.

But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.

So how do you capitalize on that?

You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.

I know what you are thinking.

I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?

Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.

This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.

Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
texting-honesty

So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?

I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.

Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.

Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.

And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.

Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.

See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.

Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.

– Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.

– Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.

– Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)

– Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.

– When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.

– Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.

Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.

Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?

Sure

If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?

Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.

You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?

I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.

From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.

A Note on Rebuilding Trust

If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.

You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.

Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date

Phone Calls

Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.

I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.

For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.

And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.

LMAO

Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?

sure

*you call your ex*

See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).

You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.

Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.

Asking them out

Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.

Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.

In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.

Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?

Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,

I am not sure if that’s a good idea.

Come on. It’s just coffee.

Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.

It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.

If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.

Wait, do you still have a chance?

Find out your chances of getting your ex back in 2 minutes.

Visit the Comment Section!

Have a question? We have an active comment section. Scroll down to read the comments. Before commenting, read commenting guidelines.

477 comments ...add one

  • Chris

    Hi I was married for 4 years we recently separated but been fighting for the last 18 months,we did not make love during that period eather.she asked for a divorce and moved to the spair room after 3 months of living separate and been verbally abused,I told her I'm moving out, she asked for the wedding certificate which I said I respect your decision and gave it to her. we kept in contact for 1 month after moving out to the point were she was being abusive towards me I kept my cool and did not react.I started the no contact rule it has now been 30 days I have not contacted her or followed any social media accounts, from which she has blocked me anyway. I believe I am a better person and seen my mistakes I made, i was about to try and text her to start communication when she sent a letter via solicitor to separate all assets, which I'm doing, also to try and earn her respect/ trust. My question is should I wait to settle everything and then try to contact her or just try contact her now?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would think that given her actions right now, she has not completely forgiven you or let go of the situation and would probably remain adamant about splitting up right now. It would be better to settle everything first and give it some time to sink in before you try reaching out properly.

      Reply
  • San

    My Bf and I split up a month ago, it was a very up & down relationship. He suddenly one day said he doesn't want to be with me anymore despite telling me he wanted to marry me a week before. By this point I was fed up of the uncertainties so agreed to split. He kept saying goodbye almost like he wanted me to beg him to not go but I didn't give in so he blocked me. A week later I emailed him to be friends as i did miss him but told him i didn't see us together anymore either and he turned nasty saying I'm ugly and mean nothing to him. It has been a month now after everything settled down I still miss him and do want to be with him, but I'm wondering if, after all, he has said I should contact him to try again? or are his parting words true and i should move on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      His parting words could have been out of frustration and revenge for you not stopping him from breaking up at that time. Since it has been a month, you could always drop a text or email checking in and casually asking how he's been.

      Reply
  • John

    Hi
    I was in a relationship for 16 years I suffered from anxiety, and that's what really led to the breakup she's been gone 4 weeks now, we haven't talked during that time, so I am about to write a elephant in the room text, should I mention I am now taking medication for anxiety and improving in the letter

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, you should let her know that you've been spending this time since the breakup to recover and work on yourself, and have made significant changes since then.

      Reply
  • Kristy

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of just under a year broke up with me about a week ago.. two days later, after I wrote him a letter and had two very painful conversations and me begging him.. bad move I know.. he said he wants to try. We’d have a clean slate and start new, he said he loved me. We had a good day together, it almost felt normal again, but I had to bring up the conversation and ask why. It went okay, one of our better fights. Then we went to dinner and all seemed good. I had to drop him off at his dads to babysit, and of course I was upset to see him go, I just had a good night with him and now it has to end. I made the mistake of not answering him right away later that night and didnt message him at all the next day to see if he’d message me.. he didn’t.
    The next day he ended it again, saying he didn’t love me and that I expected it to go back to normal and expected him to com back guns blazing. But he did.. the first night he came back he kissed me, cuddled me, we even had sex... is that not guns blazing.. but he said he felt uneasy about our relationship and refuses to hold to his word of a clean slate.. I don’t know what to do, I made all the mistakes of begging and being needy and desperate. I started no contact two days ago.. but I don’t know if he’ll ever come back. We live together and he’s just started packing his stuff. When he came over I was gone, he didn’t seem to care. I’m not sure what to do.. he couldn’t have fallen out of love with me in two days after a year of saying he’s crazy about me..
    I’m scared he’ll be happier away from me, that he’ll never miss me.. I don’t know what to do..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I don't think he's fallen out of love, but has lost attraction for you which is pretty common for relationships that have lasted a while. He probably felt uncertain towards the relationship and decided to walk away instead. Going to NC for now would be the best choice because it gives him time apart from you and if the relationship you shared with him was a meaningful one, there's a good chance that this space would cause him to miss you or realize the difficulties that come with walking away.

      Reply
  • Yakkan

    HI Kevin,

    Me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up for 4 months now after being together for 5 years, I cheated on her and I regret it because I was thinking down below instead of what was in my heart at the time, she is now with my previous best friend but I feel like this is a rebound for her? I had reached out to her 1 or 2 after it happened but I got deleted and my ex friend messaged me saying stay away from her, could this show that he is telling her to stay away because he is afraid? Not long after that I went back to an old app game on our phones we use to play and she was still playing, we have been helping eachother on the game over the last month by going out of the way and clicking onto eachothers game, however one night I reached out to her on this and said I am sorry and that I didn't know what to do, she replied back with a sad face and my name and I have not heard anything since, this has happened 1 month ago.

    Time has past now (4 months to be exact), I have written a letter outlining my regrets and sorrys on this and that I miss everything that we were, should I send this? I have printed photos of us and want to put it in the envelope but i don't know if this is too much due to her being a introvert, but the little bit inside me feels she would love it and that she would cry like I had over the photos..

    Kevin, What should I do? has the time past or can i still reach out to her sending her a letter with photos of us and see if she reaches out to me?

    Thanks for getting back to me i appreciate it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could include 1 photo but any more might be overwhelming to her, and the letter is a good way to address the elephant in the room and acknowledge the breakup.

      Reply
  • Sheena

    I love your website! It’s been helping me cope with my breakups since I was 16!
    My boyfriend and I had been together for about a year and a half. I moved in right away and we weren’t really friends or anything before we got together. We did everything together, travel the US. But I wasn’t able to escape my emotional demons. I would get extremely drunk and cry about things. It seemed like no matter how happy he tried to make me, I wasn’t getting better. I lost motivation to take care of myself.
    One night I was drunk and crying and he broke up with me. The next day I moved out. We were both really emotional. I acted needy, desperate. I begged and pleaded.

    So I applied no contact. He reached out probably every day. Then one day I decided that communication wasn’t very strong when we were together so I shouldn’t ignore him any longer. When I messaged him he was angry I had ignored him and told me he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. I got desperate and showed up at his job. He told me I was disrespectful for not giving him any time and not warning him beforehand.

    I gave him time to simmer down. It has been a little over a week and I sent him a text. We had a very pleasant, non-emotional friendly conversation (as opposed to our crazy fight texts), and I made sure to be the one to end the conversation before things got too boring. Our situation is the only time in my years of using this site that I think no contact doesn’t apply to.

    I was afraid to message because I didn’t want to fall into the friend zone. I plan on implementing your 2-week text formula listed here. Do you have any more tips for avoiding being friendzoned?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps set some light flirting in between the text topics, build up on good memories, and know when to set boundaries to pull away temporarily If he doesn’t respond in a positive manner.

      Reply
  • Charlie

    Hello. So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago after 3 years of dating. We were never friends before we met, just strangers and began talking after going on a date one time. After the break up I went into the desperate, stalk mode you referred to. We'd speak on and off after the break up and she would always say she loved me and missed me. Recently she posted a picture with a new guy and deleted a couple of the pictures with me (one still remains). I have been sketched out about this guy for a while now and I know they have been hanging out a lot lately but she always maintained that they were just friends (even told this to her closest friends after posting the picture with him). We haven't spoken for over 21 days exactly and I am thinking about sending the Elephant in the Room Text but before I would like to know your opinion. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest waiting till 1 month of NC before sending the elephant in the room text. Don't let your emotions and insecurities of her potentially moving on cause you to jump the gun and speed the process up hastily because it'll end up backfiring on you.

      Reply
  • Jon

    So the reason that me and my ex broke up is because I disrespected part of her boundaries when she asked for space. She asked for space and I gave her all of the physical space she wanted but still texted a lot. She had grown emotionally detached when I told her that I needed to see a therapist for some of the things that I had been going through personally as we were both starting graduate school. It was a highly stressful time for both of us and she ended it because she said that she was "too depressed" to put in the effort and is constantly promoting her depression on Facebook. We still talk semi regularly and the few times I have tried no contact she broke it as soon as she saw me out in public doing my own thing and not acknowledging her at all. Every time she broke no contact I would jump at the idea of seeing her text me and immediately spill all of the beans towards my feelings for her. She is now super distant and I dont know what to do if she is really as depressed as she says she is...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC properly this time, and avoid jumping the gun on your emotions even if she breaks NC. Whether or not she genuinely has depression or is simply seeking attention isn't something you can solve at this time and it's better not to let it etch on your mind.

      Reply
  • Anna

    Hello,
    My situation is kinda different. My ex break up with me because he wants to be alone. 2 days after broke up he said, he cannot do this by himself and he said he still love me. But I cannot take him back, bc I wanted to give him space as he wants it and I was so hurt at the time. I was just thinking to let him figure it out by himself.
    I don’t know what happen with his life, I made 3 weeks no contact, except he said birthday in very short message and I just replied ‘thanks’.
    And life still goes on, I’m thinking about him every second, miss him everyday and I’m still crying.
    Just one week ago I saw him already with someone. So I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad and broken. All ppl said that girl just a rebound girl. I think my case is just different and I’m not sure there is a change we can back together. Right now right here, I really miss him so bad and I’m writing a letter about for him (eventhough I know I’ll never send it to him).
    Is there any solution for the case I have? I want him back but I think is just impossible. Should I just let him go or fight him back. I need help. Thank you 🙏🏼

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he is already dating someone else which you think may be a rebound, you could move forward with your life for now, and if the opportunity ever presents itself and you find yourself still hung up over him, you could always reach out to try again then.

      Reply
  • Ricollis Jonea

    I have a situation with my ex-girlfriend where we broke up with each other after three years of a strong relationship , she is now 22 and I am 24, and me being on the verge of proposing to her for marriage. We had some issues with trust and she had revenge cheated on me with someone after she saw me texting someone else. I tried to forgive her for it and we got in to it and she threw it in my face, shortly thereafter she felt bad and we mutually ended on that note. I did not speak with her for about almost a year and I had a child during that time. We have since spoken on the phone once recently and she told me that she “wants to believe me but part of her does and part of her doesn’t” she also says she has a boyfriend. We only a short time ago began texting again and she told me that she “misses her best friend” but she “can’t talk to me all the time” because of said boyfriend. However, only a couple days ago we texted for about 6 hours throughout the day. I chose to not reach out yesterday and I would like to know if I am right on my feeling that she is interested in talking to me again? I am following the texting plan I’m a modified way as our convos are remincising in nature right now. But is she interested in talking more from what I have given here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It definitely sounds like she's interested but is conflicted in her thoughts about how to progress. I suggest not pushing too hard for her to text you and to let things progress naturally.

      Reply
  • Carrie

    Hi Kevin. Two weeks ago my boyfriend (17) broke up with me (22). He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. He said it was because I had too many emotional breakdowns. For the prior two weeks I had been leaving him voicemails. In the first few I was crying a lot. Then he said he had it. About a few days ago I sent him another one where I wasn't crying, just talking, almost lecturing him for not apologizing for saying "I was once told not to stick my stick in crazy. I didn't take that advice. Look we are over and not getting back together. I'm sorry that is how life goes." By sending that voicemail I broke a promise in which I made to give him space. After the voicemails I texted "sorry". He responded "Doesn't help." Then and there I decided to start NC. Then the next morning he texts me "Just get on with your life and stop talking to me." I didn't respond. That was two days ago. This morning he texted me "Have a great birthday, hope you didn't get affected by the tornado." Should I just respond with a simple "Thanks" and maybe "Happy half birthday" (since my birthday is also his half-birthday) and then reestablish NC?

    Reply
  • Charlie

    Hi. I had a situation in which we were long distance because of my job. Long story short I was bitter about a lot in my life before the relationship and because of it I became selfish. I moved because of my career and I was so goal driven I pushed her away and neglected her. Originally we planned to be friends but u think we both had hope's of renewing it when I came back from the job assignment. We would occasionally talk. But I was so insensitive I'd wait 4-5 weeks at a time. It took me til a month and a half before I came back to understand what mistake I'd made.

    To summarize the last few months.
    I talked to her on phone she sounded distant. A week later I texted her saying I was sorry for not loving her how she deserved and how I should have shown how much I appreciated her. She gave no real response just thank you.
    A month later I got back to town. I texted her and asked if there was any chance she could give me a second chance. She replied she was dating someone. I over-reacted and deleted her contact and blocked her in social media. But then a day later messaged her and said that I regretted everything and know that I was fully to blame. Then I just wished her the best. She didnt respond.

    Unfortunately I've just barely read these articles.
    I'm really going hard into fixing myself. And I do think there are many good reasons for me to win her back some day.
    I want to contact her in a month. Til then I was going to do the no contact period. I know the elephant in the room text will have to be sent which in this case, I guess, would be again. I just dont think she feels she can ever trust me again. If I text her in month and she doesn't respond do I text again 5 days later? Or have I already done too much?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reach out in a month after NC and if she ignores you again, you have two options to consider: 1) going back into NC again and trying to reach out after 1-2 weeks and 2) walk away from this because she might have already moved on and may harbor resentment towards you that won't go away so easily.

      Reply
  • Kayli

    Hey,

    A few days ago my ex broke up with me. We’ve always had a pretty difficult relationship because we started dating when I was 18 and him 22. So there’s a huge age gap and a big difference about where we are in our lives. We had been together for a little over a year. During the relationship I had been clingy, needy, and ignorant. We fought, but as the relationship went on we kept getting better at communicating through it. A day before the breakup, we had gotten in a very petty fight over pretty much nothing and I overreacted and said some things that I did not mean. We both basically told each other that we didn’t want to talk again. The next morning I reached out and gave a brief apology and we had agreed on seeing each other in person to talk about it. When the time came for us to meet he began to ignore me and eventually told me that he never wanted to see or speak to me again and he never would in the future. I wasn’t pretty crushed and pleaded saying that I was fine to do that but didn’t want to end on such negative terms and he continued to tell me he didn’t want to hear it. So I didn’t respond to his message and immediately went to my friends and the internet to find ways to deal with it. I began no contact yesterday and I have to say the early stages are tough. Everything reminds me of him. He didn’t block me on anything so does that mean that maybe he will want to talk to me eventually? I know that the day after we broke up he reached out to a few girls that had been rebounds to him in the past and they had never had anything serious. Does that mean that they’re a second rebound or is he trying to make things work with them? I chose 30 days for my no contact, but am wondering if that’s too long or short. Also, should I tell him that I’m beginning no contact? I am really trying to be as mature and positive throughout this entire process, but it is obviously very difficult.

    Thank you,
    Kayli

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hang in there Kayli, it gets easier with time. His regression to past rebounds is most probably a grasp for comfort so that he doesn't have to deal with any negative emotions himself and these things usually don't last. 30 days for no contact sounds fine given the length of the relationship. Spend this time focusing on yourself and developing yourself further, whether it's your emotions, appearance, skills, or outlook on things. You don't have to let him know that you're going into no contact because he would be the one that ends up reaching out if he suddenly misses you and thinks you're pulling away for good due to the lack of contact.

      Reply
  • Jessie J

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We were together for about a year. We were a very happy couple and barley had any issues, except that one night, the night it ended. We got into a huge argument and she broke up with me. Few days after I texted and apologized and she apologized and said breaking up with me was in the heat of the moment but a right Choice because she can no longer see a future with me, she asked to be friends, I agreed. But the day of our fight she was telling me how much she loved me , how I should move in and everything hinting towards a future. How can a small silly fight change that? We were friends for a couple weeks, talking everyday, flirting a bit, even hung out a few times. We kissed and everything. Now it just seems like she’s really distant from me and never sends me the first text, and uses cold one word replies? I really want her back. I know I’ve made mistakes, I was a tiny bit too needy and insecure. But I’ll work my hardest on that. Why is my ex being distant? Why do you think she broke up with me? What’s the best plan for my situation to get her back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That fight could have been a build up of emotions that have been festering for some time, and made her realize that she didn't mean whatever she had said before the day of the argument, not with her negative perception of how you are right now. It can become easier to remain distant with someone, especially after the person has decided to let go emotionally, which was probably the case with her. I suggest following the steps found in this article in order to win her back.

      Reply
  • Maya

    Hi..
    My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for 4 months n then since I was going through a jard time personally and he was also very busy (he got distant), we ended up fighting in the last days and he finally blocked me..I did reacb out to him 3 days later and we spoke and broke up but I was generally kinda needy toward the end..
    I did text him otwice in the first month with reasons and not asking to get back, he responded but in a neutral way.. now its been more than a month since my last msg so NC is over..
    Im thinking of texting him n telling him Ive been doing therapy and workin on my issues..(Im gonna send a voice actually).. do u think its a good idea to tell him I realize I was needy n insecure and have been working on it or stuff like that, or Id better not remind him directly of those things?
    He is generally a person who doesnt talk much and could easily ignore a msg..so I really wanna try to get a response from him..Im also thinking of askinf for advice but after the Elephant msg..what do u think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's better to acknowledge and apologize for the issues first rather than casually sweeping it under the carpet as your ex may take it the wrong way and think that you haven't changed or even realized it. Start off by letting him know that you acknowledge the issues in the relationship that led to the breakup and have been working on these issues since, before continuing on with a question/advice. If he doesn't reply, wait another week or so before touching on a different topic.

      Reply
  • Amy

    Living by all this advice I have read from the articles. I ended my 1 year relationship with my bf in person because of an ongoing unresolved issue with his struggle to stand up to his parents for me and becoming more involved in eachothers lives and families. Throughout the relationship we would touch base and he promised he wasn't wasting my time and we wanted the same things. Leading up to the break up (after our one year) I told him I was unhappy because I need more involvement etc he suggested we meet to chat about it. That night I brought up the topic again and we spoke about the situation and I said to him I can't be with him if we aren't progressing and moving forward. We were both so upset and he said he can't promise me he can make it work with his mum (who is very controlling). So I said then we can't be together if you're gonna keep me hidden away like this. He begged me not to leave holding my hands and we were both crying. I replied how can you ask me to stay when you can't promise me anything to stay for. It was the hardest thing in my life. He is 23 and I'm 26, 3 days later I messaged telling him that I still wanna be with him but only if we can do as discussed so take this time to figure out if you can make that possible. He didn't reply. We always attended same events etc cos we belong to the same community so I kept distance and out of sight. I'm his first serious gf and I care about him so much. Did the NC for 5 weeks (worked on myself alot in that time). Got to a point now where I can see myself without him and I'm at peace with the unknowing future. So I texted him and he responded positively but every couple of hours for 2 days then I ended the convo on a high note and with a cliffhanger before saying goodnight. Where do I go from here, do I follow your guide about initiating again or wait for him to do that?
    I know I initiated the break up (our first) but he also didn't try to fix it hence the decision to do NC.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could continue to start the conversation every 2-3 days if he does not reach out first, in which you'd be able to gauge his interest level while building up a sense of familiarity in communicating with you again.

      Reply
    • Amy

      Thank you so much Ryan.
      I need to consider that he's currently interstate for a week so was thinking I'll initiate again once he comes back unless he does first. Atleast then we could suggest meeting up if he wanted to, what do you think?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This sounds like a good plan. All the best.

      Reply
    • Amy

      Hello Ryan,
      An update - I initiated a second time and it was very positive consistent replies, he even threw in jokes etc. The conversation continued and I was ready to reply one last time then end it but instead, he didn't and hasn't read it for 2 days. I know he's back home now and was the groomsman for his cousins wedding this weekend so I can understand how busy he might have been. I believe he will eventually reply, but my question now is do I need to continue initiating or back away and leave it to him from now on? I know we have a birthday next weekend and will most likely bump into each other at a church event before that. If I do see him, how do I act?

      Reply
  • Anthony

    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago because she said she wasn't feeling it anymore. Meaning she lost her love for me. During the breakup I tried asking why but she couldn't give me a reason. I think the reason was I was too needy and insecure towards the end of the relationship. I did no contact for a month then she reached out on my birthday all i said was thank you. Then I continued no contact from the july 24th the august 18th. I contacted her reminiscing of an old memory and asked if she was doing well she said she I hope you're doing well too. We go to university together and have the same class. I reached out before classes asking if we are good and she said of course we are! Why wouldn't we be! Then we had a little convo everything was positive. But in our class she acts cold and distant from me. In texts shes the opposite. I contacted her last night again about an old memory she was more receptive and emotional towards it. I ended the convo on a high note. Why does she act more cold in person but not cold in texts? Also she never initiates convos i have too. Should I continue to text and build attraction through texts and try to meetup with her one and one which is better than the classroom environment?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may be cold towards you in class because she doesn't know how to act around you or verbally talk to you at this point, in which you're going to have to rebuild up just like how you've done so through texting. Arrange perhaps a meetup outside of school where she doesn't have to worry about what other people might think if she's talking to an ex.

      Reply
  • Kathy

    Hi! I am 53 and my ex bf is 54, we met online. I am a new Dr and he has an AAS. I never had a problem with that, he never a problem with my education and thought it was great I was educated and very independent. I am very old fashioned and so is he. He texted am and pm, during the day and initiated most of the calling. I had not dated in 7 years (bit overweight). We dated for 3 wonderful months, I and even told him it was the most adult relationship I had ever had. Never said I love you. Waited 8 weeks for physical contact. No fights, we clicked very well. Both devout Catholics and same family values. I know I was a bit jealous of his daughters and wanted to talk to him about it, New for me to date let alone someone with kids (mine are 13 & 21). So I am still not completely sure what happened. 2 weeks ago out of the blue he texted me he wanted to date others, and I was manipulative. I don’t know what he means unless he sensed I had some jealousy of his daughters. I know I am a bit materialistic and he isn’t, but I tried hard not to be. I sent a few texts in the 3 days following to ensure he knew my feelings (didn’t say I love you but insinuated) and I was sorry if he had perceived my jealousy of daughters. The last text no response. Then I never texted back and am doing no contact. Yes I texted immediately after but they weren’t blah blah I love you or I need you. I held my head high. My fam can’t believe he broke up in a text as that goes against who he is. He knew I had trust issues but I trusted him. Been 2 + weeks. I lost 16 pounds and started working out. Do you recommend a text about my weight loss or maybe some advice one for first contact in 2 weeks? Thank you for your time.

    Reply
  • Rebecca

    Hey Kevin,
    I began a mostly online relationship with a man over a year ago. It’s always been very intense. He always initiated and messages throughout the day. He messaged first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We live in different cities but not too far and met up when we could. We always had an amazing time together. He said wonderful things like ‘I’m at my best when I’m with you’. There were a few times that I got irritated when he didn’t text me goodnight or I felt he was getting a bit distant. He always apologized and said there are times he was busy at work or doing something with family and couldn’t text. He was right. He was always a good texter and never left me for long. I was a little demanding and went about it the wrong way. Our last good contact was over a month ago. A great beginning to the week. Lots of messages and very sweet/sexy. Continued until Thursday and Friday. He messaged me but not as much as he had been. He texted me Saturday with a cute text and I waited over an hour to respond with “lol”. That night he messaged me he was going off social media and messenger for a while. He claimed it had nothing to do with me and we’d chat via text. I was definitely concerned and with good reason. By that Monday he was barely texting me anything. By Tuesday I was panicking and asking if he was ending it. He said he needed some space. I did send some needy/pleading texts but then he said not to pressure him, he needed time to think. I did NC for two weeks and checked in. I asked him where we were at and he said he was still thinking. I waited another two weeks and sent a cute picture of a fun time we had together. No questions this time. He responded on his lunch break with, “that was a really good time...” I messed up by asking if we’d have any more of those times and that I missed him. He replied with, “I know you miss me and I miss you too.” He will not answer if we are going to get back together or not. Absolutely refuses. I’ve offered to accept it and cut ties with him and never contact him again but he won’t give me any answer. Just says something else and avoids it. Why? We are still friends on all social media. He doesn’t comment or like anything of mine but watches all my stories on Instagram. Last contact I initiated about a week after the miss you text with another memory type text and I got no reply. I’m back to NC for almost a week. Should I keep trying or should I just move on? He’s left the door open but it’s been over a month now and I’m getting discouraged. What do you advise?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps the idea that you’re always going to be waiting around is in his head, and hasn’t actually taken the time to think about things as he said he would but instead has simply been going about his daily life. You might want to consider putting some distance between you until he at least has his answer figured out. Or even consider walking away if he is not going to decide since he’s currently putting you through an emotional rollercoaster each day.

      Reply
  • Chris

    Hi Ryan,
    I acted too needy and insecure in the later part of our 1 yr relationship, and was told not to contact my ex after breaking up. I tried to contact 2 weeks after breakup but was blocked. It's been 3 months strict NC and would like to ask you, if i Should send the elephant in the room text or remain with no contact forever? I am emotionally and mentally in a much stronger and better place now.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is entirely up to you and whether you'd like to reconcile at some point or not. With regards to the former, you're going to have to reach out eventually, so now might be a good time to try since it has been 3 months.

      Reply
  • laly

    hi,after following advices we talking again with him,but we are still between love and friendship,he calls me at night,when i dont write back he gets angry,he is interested about me but also talking me about other girls ((( by the way we are never lover,always between these two :( what should i do

    Reply
  • Dan

    So here's the story - me and my girlfriend were together over 3 years. Until the last few months it was great, we were in love, we shared a great connection, but then I started getting stressed about work and stopped wanting to do things, resulting in our connection withering. About 2 months ago, she came around and broke up with me, and I took it badly - I was needy, wouldn't let it go. It took me about 3 weeks to initiate NC, and by then I'd done a lot of damage. I recovered pretty quickly after that, and found this article, worked on myself, becoming more active, more confident, more sociable, then sent the Elephant in the Room text a week ago. It's hard to judge how well it went - she replied after 3 hours, saying she was glad I was OK, that I'm getting out more, etc. I replied, asking about a cookie recipe I'd enquired about (she likes baking, and during NC I started doing it too), keeping it short and ending it with an 'Ideal, thanks'. It's a week later, and I've texted her, asking for baking advice, but she hasn't replied. Should I take that to mean that she isn't interested in talking to me anymore? She's quite an emotional person, and I know my persistent neediness affected her before.

    Also, when initiating NC, I removed her from Facebook and Instagram, and don't know how to go about re-adding her. I feel she would see how much I've changed based on my active posts, but fear she might ignore my requests, making things worse.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you think it's still too soon, perhaps a little more time and a couple more texts in between may be necessary before you add her back on social media platforms.

      Reply
    • Melissa

      Here it goes. I have recently split with my ex of 3 and half years. He was lot younger than me and we kept out relationship a secret from all our family and friends because of the excitements and fear of judgement because of the age difference although our families had a feeling but we just never confirmed it. We ended up coming out to my family towards the end of our relationship and it wasnt that bad. During our time together we were inseparable, we done everything together, lived togther and he was my best friend and my soul mate well this is what I thought. Towards the last few months of our relationship I got hurt at work and began being needy and wanting him to stay home with me all the time and not go anywhere when he would come home from working away for the week. I had no motivation to do anything and was really demanding and controlling. I see this now. I caught him texting his ex girlfriend and went crazy and sent her a message and was crazy, crying, begging and being clingy and desperate for my ex to stay causing us to have a big agurement which would have been one of our biggest since being together. He tried to stay by me to help me get over him but it was making things harder and he finally moved out. He has blocked my number and we both agreed not contact each other and it has been a month since we have broken up and 7 days of NC as we were still messaging and taking to eachother. He told me he is wanting to move away and not want to be around me and I keep thinking he is going back to his ex and think how could he move on so fast if he is. He has also changed and is not the same person I was with for so long. He told me that me.cting crazy and texting him crazy was the last for him and that he no longer loved me or had feelings for me.
      Do you think I should carry on with the NC rule if he is acting distant and blocked my number and is not the same person anymore and told me he doesnt love me or have feelings anymore.
      I know I was crazy and really desperate to keep us together but I am trying to work on me now and have since gone back to work.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The only thing you should do right now is NC since it has come to this extent. You need to give him space to at least let go of the negative memory and image of your behavior towards the end of the relationship. You'll also need to give yourself the space to work on those issues and get yourself to a better place emotionally, which isn't going to happen unless you put some distance between the two of you. Regardless of whether he regresses back to his ex-girlfriend or not, you shouldn't be getting involved with him for the time being until the air clears up or things will get worse and he pushes you even further away.

      Reply
  • Louis

    My girlfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago telling me she wasn’t ready for a relationship and how she lost feelings for me. We dated for about 5 months which then I made it official and after 2 months she broke up with me. We had two fights in those 2 months and said it wasn’t normal and knew how this would end up. I acted insecure and needy right away after the fights which I later realized was a big mistake and a huge turn off. I’m applaying the NO contact rule, but we’ll be seeing eachother at school in 2 weeks. Should I contact her before school starts just to ease the transition of seeing eachother again? Last thing she said is she wanted to still be friends. I know what made her fall in love with me and I’m planing on showing her that my confidence has grown and I’m not needy and insecure anymore ( still working on that). I know I want to get back with her because we had such good chemistry in all aspects but my insecurities got the best of me when we started dating. Do you think I got a real shot to getting her back if I actually fix myself and show her the new me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Considering that the relationship was relatively fresh and it didn’t come to an extent where she has given up emotionally (countless arguments), your chances are still there as long as the spark can be re-ignited and she sees the positive changes in you.

      Reply
  • Lilly

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. He has since blocked me on everything except whatsapp and Snapchat. I didn't act really needy after the break, maybe a little. I haven't spoken to him in a month but others in my family have and they haven't been the nicest. He probably thinks I'm not messaging him because he blocked me. I'm not sure if I should send the elephant in the room text or just send a happy message about something on whatsapp.
    He blocked me after 2 random people messaged him yelling at him for breaking up with me and they kinda did the whole begging and pleading for me (they knew a lot of details of the relationship so I think it was someone I know using fake accounts). I have no idea who they are and I had nothing to do with it but he thinks I did, that's why I'm blocked.
    Do I apologise for those 2 people since he thinks it was me or do I not since I had nothing to do with it?
    I'm not sure how to approach the situation.

    He seems to be doing things to punish me, like refusing to pay money back even though he had no problem paying me back the 1st time we broke up. (we've broken up twice because he didn't really try the 2nd time, he barely even talked to me)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apologize for the mistakes you've made in the relationship but acknowledge that the actions of these two random people were not your doing, or you would have more to clean up if he decides to respond to you. An elephant in the room text would be better since he probably harbors some negative emotions right now, and a happy text may make him think you're trying to sweep things under the carpet.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Hello Ryan. I’m not sure if you still sees the comment section but who knows. So here is my story. I was with my ex for about 16months and got splited about 3 months ago right before her 21st birthday. There were some contacting issues at that time and I just blew it one day told her to break up with me which I consider as my worst decision of my entire life. I was even went to my home country about 2 weeks after the breakup. I was gone for 2 months and I recently got back to the States. I texted her on her birthday which wasnt good idea as your article explains and more desperate messages while I was gone. She did respond though. She just told me this breakup made her realize that she needs her own time and not be in a relationship for a while. She finally got annoyed when I texted her saying Im sorry and all bunch of stuff that guys say when they are desperate. She told me to stop pushing her. She even told me not to wait for her. She said she still misses me and loves me but she just doesnt want to get back together right now. I responded “I’ll wait for you no matter what you tell me and I know there is still hope in this relationship, I love you blah blah..” and that was 3 days ago. I didn’t read your article until I lost my mind and texted her bunch of longass messages. I’m sure it’s not too late and I’m doing “no contact” right now. Do you think there is still a chance to change her mind even if she told me not to wait for her? She told me she still loves me and there are still pictures of our memories on her instagram as well. I wanna know opinion. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just give her time for now. Pick yourself up emotionally first and in the meantime, work on yourself to become a better version of yourself so that when you do contact her again, she may at least have a change of heart to reconsider the idea of getting back together.

      Reply
  • Sad girl

    So I did it... I finally pushed him to the point where he doesn’t want to talk to me at all. Worse of all I feel that everything I’ve done after break up was what I should’ve avoid it like a plague. I for sure sounded desperate, needy, hurt... I want to do the no Contact phase but there’s a little problem. We work together. How should I go about it? At this point I’m ok with breakup but I really want to eventually get our friendship back. We don’t have to be together I’m truly ok with it but I really want him to see me in more positive light. I feel like he has serious dislike for me. Please help...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep personal conversation to a minimum and only communicate on a professional level. Other than that, continue with no contact as per normal.

      Reply
  • Rob

    She was a widowed mom of 3 boys and I a dad of 2 girls. I try to be very active in my daughters' lives. We dated for about 4 months, until I went on vacation to Disney with my ex and daughters, a trip that was planned for a long time. I missed the signs of how much it likely bothered her because she also isn't one to communicate her feelings openly, yet, she would always tell me how she was never so affectionate with her deceased husband when he was alive. She built me up in the beginning, introduced me to so many friends (some her husband's friends), I was so happy this beautiful woman was taking such an interest in me and so I proceeded to be the nice guy, mistake. Her friends would tell me that all she wanted to do was to spend more time with me and see me more, but I was busy. She's in school so not working and has time to spend with her boys all day, while I commute and work M-F.
    Still, I felt like I made time and thought having space wasn't necessarily a bad thing, even though she would always tell me how close her and her husband were (inseparable), which I don't always think is healthy. Also early on in our relationship, she found out he likely cheated on her as she was sent a random message from some woman claiming to have known him. She buried that feeling and didn't want to talk to me about it. A few weeks before, she had gotten pregnant. I supported her fully throughout, offering help and she pretended it was ok, so we proceeded with an abortion.
    About 5 weeks ago, as I was finishing up the Disney vacation, she sent me a text saying that this wasn't working out for her anymore and she had been feeling that way for some time. I didn't beg or plead, I told her that she never loved me despite what she used to say, she argued she does love me and I'm a wonderful dad and person. When I realized what she was doing, I tried to do the same to her, never thinking that she was seriously breaking up with me after all we shared. She said to me "you know you can call me any time", in an attempt to friend me. I responded with "I've never been one to stay friends with former lovers"...she said ok and that was it. We haven't communicated in 5 weeks. Looking back I realize that she may have had some narcissistic behaviors towards me (building me up in the beginning, then breaking me down with judgmental comments, and now completely disappearing from my life). She would often comment about what a nice Jewish boy I am. Also, my age (being that I was older than her), my weight (that went up slightly since we started going out). So I guess what I can't believe is how a woman can simply shut herself off like a light switch. She was very spoiled by her father growing up and until this day and so I firmly believe her expectations for me were unachievable. Part of me also thinks I dodged a bullet given our child situation, but it still hurts that we couldn't work it out. I'm staying NC indefinitely. I'm curious for opinions as to how my situation differs since I didn't beg or plead for another chance, I accepted her decision even though she initiated the breakup and I didn't verbally leave the door open for her to contact me if she changed her mind. Does that hurt or help? I also unfriended her from FB a few days later. Open to any advice someone has to offer.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The description of NC at its bare minimum is meant for people who broke up amicably in that sense (similar to your case), where there was no begging/desperate behaviors. Usually, those would require a longer period and have a slimmer chance of winning their exes back because of the change in views their ex might have of them after the breakup. Not verbally leaving the door open doesn't really matter especially if you're going on NC indefinitely because you would probably be the one to initiate contact again when you're ready.

      Reply
  • Grace Kamuli

    I was in a long distance cyber relationship, we liked each other very much, actually he fell in love first and I fell in love with him.

    Along the way, he would ignore me for days,out of the blue, he would contact me as if nothing had happened.

    A few times I ignored this behaviour but I did tell him that he makes me upset when he behaves that way.

    The last time he ignored me, I started no contact which has lasted 6 weeks.

    He contacted me after the 6 weeks as if nothing happened.

    I partly know the reason he would ignore me, I used to text him too often.

    I apologized for my part and he went silent again.

    I love this man but I can't stand being ignored. I want him back but I am afraid he will continue ignoring me.
    Even though I love him and want him baclk. The fear of frustration that he will ignore me again I feel it will be easier to meet someone new and start a fresh. It sounds like I am a runner but what can I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider the possibility that he is seeing someone else in real life which explains the periods he ignores you for no reason.

      Reply
  • Aanya

    We broke up a couple years ago because of my student loans and erratic choices. The erratic choice being quitting my job which entailed me getting physically hurt Everytime I went into work as I worked with severely mentally ill children. He said that I chose this career and I shouldn't have quit because I needed to think about my loans. He then told me he liked me less because of my loans. When I told him I have a plan to pay it off he said he didn't break up with me because of my loans but my insecurities. My insecurities stemmed from him telling me that he doesn't know if he can accept my having student loans as it significantly impacts our future. I needed alot of reassurance from it and feared I'd lose him. He changed alot since he found out about my loans and again i become super insecure. Thats why he states he broke up with me. When I tell him things could have been fixed and worked on he claimed it was more than just the loans it was also my erratic reactions but when I explained my reason he would revert back to student loans. We have been broken up for 2 years now. I have no idea if he has a girlfriend. I recently told him that I'm getting engaged just to spite him but I'm not. He responded and said he is happy for me. But I genuinely just want him back. We've had multiple interactions where our conversations have been unpleasant because he would make snarky comments. So I stopped messaging him all together for like a year and a half now. But in a honesty I just want him back. What do I do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on what you've said, it seems that he might not be someone worth trying to get back together with, especially if his underlying reason for ending the relationship was due to a financial one and even the re-contact hasn't been entirely pleasant since he would make snarky comments towards you. If you genuinely wish to still get him back, perhaps first sort your student loans out and find a stable job because that's what he seems to value as important things in a relationship.

      Reply
  • Sheldon

    So if you get a few replies but then she stops replying, should I just wait a few days before trying again or what’s the game plan if they stop replying?

    Reply
  • M. Christy

    He and I have been broken up for two years or so now. But I've been forced to stay in the same house with him, so no contact is very hard to do. I stay busy by working, but he texts me everyday as he sees me as a close friend, but his feelings for me are complicated. I recently moved myself into a different room to try to separate myself as much as possible and it seemed to upset him. What can I do to show him I'm more compatible for him than anyone else he would even try to be with? He told me when he was with me was the happiest he's ever been. Things feel so complicated, and I truly feel inside that he has been hiding and suppressing his feelings for me as he tends to flip flop between wanting to be with me and just wanting to be friends.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you think he is currently conflicted on how he feels, then you'll just have to help sway his decision and be certain that he wants you, based on your actions you do to win him over and prove to him that you're a worthwhile choice.

      Reply
  • Sed bull

    My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. She had been trying to break up with me for a few months but each time I would beg and she would come back and we would have a period of time in which we were normal and in love and then again she would try break up. This time I begged her to give me another chance and that I realized what was wrong and I would work on it. But she was determined this time. So I decided not to trouble her anymore and to just let her go. I plan on not to contact her for a period of 2 weeks and then to start texting her again. I have truely realized my mistakes.
    How bad is my case ?? What should I do ??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Use this article for guidelines on how to go about no contact, and follow the steps in this article on what you should do after that. I would recommend a longer period of no contact, possibly a month instead of 2 weeks.

      Reply
  • nts

    Hello, i was in a relationship with my ex for more than a year, but we weren’t in an official relationship. This was because of me that i have so much in my mind going on that i dont know when is the right timing to officially get together, and some more to me we were already treating each other like we were each others’ so i didnt take the official thing seriously and it maybe actually important to him that i did not admit him publicly. When he started to feel like there’s problems between us he didn’t speak out to discuss with me but he just keep them with himself until one day he was tired of it, He said that he dont know how to continue our relationship and he doesn’t love me as much and couldn’t treat me like a girlfriend anymore, We have separated for more than a month, i did used pity and tell him how much i love him and etc which I shouldn’t do. I asked for the reason why, he said that we weren’t suitable for each other and how we think and some of our point of view differs. I’ve started the no contact for few days. I just wanted to know does he still have feelings for me inside eventhough he is treating me cold now? And how to make him to think differently that we could discuss our problems and make things work?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There could be various reasons leading to his decision of wanting to end the relationship, and it may not even have necessarily been the fact that you weren't officially together. Sometimes, there may have been other underlying reasons such or he simply got bored of the relationship, which led to him feel this way. It also depends on how seriously he viewed the two of you as a couple, and until you have a clearer idea on all these aspects, it would be hard to say whether he still has feelings for you inside or not.

      Reply
    • nts

      How could i get him back? Do i continue NC and contact him after?

      Reply
  • Saad

    I ended NC 1 week ago, first thing my ex told me is she is single. I Ended convo quickly. Next day she asked to meet me before I move away in 2 months. I waited 4 days and replied, lying that I already moved to see her reaction. She freaked out and said that I don't have the right not to meet her one last time before I go. Am I in a good position to win her back? (I was dumped 3 months ago cause I took her for granted)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, I don't know how she would take to you lying to her to test her, as it may result in her getting angry with you. Otherwise, it seems that she is still emotionally affected by you and definitely has certain feelings for you, but it may not be at the stage where she wants a relationship yet.

      Reply
  • Alaskanbullworm

    so I was trying to be cheeky and we were sorta talking on and off, and we had had a really nice phone call a few days before, so I told her that I was just finding excuses to text her because I wanted to talk to her and then added 'maybe I should feel bad because I know it's soooo hard to get over me' and I think it was poorly recieved because she never replied and still hasn't replied and it's been like four days now so I guess I'm in no contact finally. Probably for the better. Our relationship wasn't bad but I think we both know we should give each other space, time to think, and time to grow, and I'm hoping I didn't mess things up by sending that text. She told me on the phone call a few days before that talking to me is making it 'hard to get over me'
    We broke up mutually but I'm hoping that there's a future, I told her that and she seemed to agree, but said that now just isn't a good time. I just don't want to screw things over for good because I know we're just young and dumb and we really weren't incompatible.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Time and space right now as you've mentioned, would probably be a good thing, especially if the relationship has been put on a strain for awhile already. At least the time apart would help unwind that aspect of things, and will allow for a fresh start again down the road.

      Reply
  • flowerpink3

    I'm still thinking about how to break the ice with my ex after no contact! Is a text about some good news you got a good idea to start a conversation? I got accepted to a program that (when we were together) he helped me apply and study for. I wanted to text him with the good news, and lightly thank him for his support during the appliance. What do you think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like a good idea. At least it relates to him on some aspect and may be a topic worth continuing the conversation depending on what he thinks of you (positively or negatively) at this point.

      Reply
  • laly

    hello,we were talking with my ex,he wrote me 2-3days,even i if i replied lately,he wrote 2nd messages,but now i see that he barely writes,dont want to bored him but what should I?i dont understand him

    Reply
  • Steve

    Hi, here is my story. Been with my girlfriend for four months. She is a single mum of two children 8 and 6. Im older and my kids are independent. Fell in love with her and her me. I had known her for 12 months previous and there was always a connection. The pressure point was her time. As a single guy i had lots of it, she didnt. The four months was fantastic. The wobbly times was when her worked backed up on her. She had a day job of 25 hours and helped with websites in the evening. When we were together and doing things that couples do it was great, however, back to work and the emails in the evening alwsys threw her into a spin with stress etc. I have met her children and went out for days, and she loved it. There was great chemistry, and always talked about her day. I suppirted her. One weekend she was away to see her friends, she text me and I her asking if she was having a good time etc. She couldnt wait to return on sunday to see me.she stayed over and went to work on monday. By wednesday it was all over for her. Too intense, she felt overwhemed, work was getting behind and felt she was not giving her children enogh attention etc. She had no negative views of me at all, and recognised I supported her. Lover her to bits and I am sure she does me. Any help appreciated. She is 44 I am 59. She is ver independent and protective off her independence. Have been texting but nothing negative. Any help appreciated.

    In addition I did write to her a few days after she ended it to explain that i understood why she finished and that I was sorry that I didnt recognise the pressures on her. I said that I have never dated a single woman before so it was all new to me.
    I have not asked her back only explaned that i understood her situation and circumstances.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do keep in mind that under these circumstances, there might not be much you can do because these are the conflicts that currently playing out in her own head, and how she copes with them. You can be as supportive as possible, but if she feels overwhelmed and has a poor way of coping with the stress, she would end up dropping the thing she views as easiest to cut off (aka you, compared to her work or her family). Give it some time, and try remaining on a casual but friendly note (you did the right thing by keep communication lines open and not getting needy and desperate). Once she calms down a little on her emotions and realizes that you aren't actually adding to her stress as initially thought, she may open back up to you again or even walk back into your life.

      Reply
  • laly

    hello,we are talking again with him,but i am afraid of he can block me again,cause before he did it,what should i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep the conversation light-hearted and in a casual manner for the start, and avoid going into emotional issues or projecting insecurities onto him for the time being.

      Reply
  • Purple dragons

    I am pacing the text conversations as said. However, everytime i text her she replys immediately and wants the conversation to continue, but she does not text first?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could simply be that she isn't used to being the one to initiate but remains happy and excited when you start the conversations. Continue to pace it, and respond accordingly to how she replies - try to match the frequency so that she doesn't end up thinking you're either too needy (replying too fast or excitedly) or aren't interested in continuing the conversation with her (replying too slow).

      Reply
  • Gee

    Here’s my Dilemma, my ex girlfriend broke up with me in April stating she needed space and time to grow (short version). None of this was done out of anger from her she said we could be friends essentially. So I wasn’t happy I was hurt. We text back-and-forth that day she dropped the bomb on me I obliged her wishes. I let three weeks pass ,I contact her via text and ask if we can talk? She responds yes but says not right now she’s out of town and won’t be back till the following week. I contact her the day she was supposed to return to ask what would be a good time to call? So she responded asked if I was trying to get her back? ‘ I said yes/no only because I didn’t want to explain through text. The she says ‘well you know I wasn’t happy’.. what do you want to say ? So I sent an audio message that was an apology and that I didn’t want her out of my life even if we were just friends was cool. After listening she says I Don’t know what to think or how to feel and I’m still out of town. So I say something along the lines well I understand it’s a bit much hit me when you get back. That was April 30th. So I wait till May 2nd And I sent her a text Basically saying but consider giving us another chance but I wasn’t expecting her to jump in a relationship with me ASAP and that I would be willing to start from bare-bones. So she responds and says I still need time to think essentially for me to relax. And I responded with ok. So fast forward I didn’t say anything for the remainder of May and I just recently hit her June 9th. So essentially did no contact . I hit her up using one of the suggested text. So I asked her the name of a place she took me to. She gives me the name and ask if I was taking someone there. I say no just want to go with friends. She responded with cool enjoy. I asked ‘All good with you’ ? She say yea ‘just figuring out life and trying to come out of a bad place. Then says hope all is well with you. Then I say ‘I get you ...everything is cool for the most part. Well enjoy your day don’t be too much of a stranger ’. Then she says ...ok. Couple hours later a song that she loved came on so I text and told her and said hope your day is going well. Now I don’t know when or what I should say next to her? I’m stuck!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she didn't respond to your text, wait another week or two before texting again and starting another topic. You can always use this article as a guideline for a game plan you might want to consider adopting to win her back.

      Reply
    • Gee

      The fact she didn’t respond to the text about the song didn’t bother me. She responded to what I said before that text , it’s the fact she said she trying to come out of a bad place. So I feel I have to be ultra delicate. I have read the article. But I’ll wait like you suggested and try another topic.

      Reply
  • job

    Hi , i've been in 8 yrs relationship. i can say that our relationship is not perfect but very happy. it face a lot of problem but we choose to fight for it together. but then it gives me a trust issues , even him. i admit i become nagger , i become needy , i always want to talk to him after his work , i become more clingy , espescialy when we become an LDR. Now he broke up with me , his reasons was he want to fix his self, he want to be alone , he want to do things whitout me around him , he also wants me to fix also my self , he wants me to grow , have thime with my family and friends , he also said he wants to know if we're realy ment for each other , he said that there is no third party he just realy want to be alone .First week of our break up i texted him begging, pleading, promising that i wont do that again ,just give me a chance. etc. but he dont want. now i want to know if there is still a chance that we can go back together ? what do i need to do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Use this time to actually focus on yourself like he said but for your own benefit, not his. If he genuinely feels that there were issues and both parties had their shortcomings (after being together for 8 years), perhaps it is time to consider it as well and work on them before trying to contact him again and win him back.

      Reply
  • htx79

    During no contact, I began watching Star Trek: The Next Generation because I knew my ex loved it and it reminded me of him. What I didn't count on was that I would love it, too. Eventually, when I texted him, I brought up that I had been watching it and it turned into a midday role playing sext. Things have trickled since then, but we live in other cities and he has said that he would like to see me next time he is in town. Not the worst situation to be in, but I'm glad that we still can be in each other's lives.

    Reply
  • nar

    hello again,i wrote him,this is conversation
    me-Just watched series you told me onceh
    him-finally u watched smth worth
    me-always i do
    him-okey (thinking emoji)
    me-good night
    him-good night
    him-you are muted,thats why i dindt hear notification
    (he wrote me lately he muted me on fb)
    me-no problems
    he read and didnt reply,whats the point?help me please,thank you

    Reply
  • Mike

    I messaged my ex something funny and she responded positively but I find out she made it official with her new boyfriend the same day. She wants to see me, give me a hug, misses my quirks, etc. as I wrap up the conversation. Taking the hit that she has an official boyfriend is a bit of a blow and I don't know what I can do about her probable confusion especially if I start NC. It's only been a couple of weeks since our break became our breakup. Should I keep texting her but go even slower than suggested or just go NC? If so, for how long? I know that I can see other people but I'd like to give it another go with her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you think that her new boyfriend may be a rebound, you should probably go into NC because the relationship wouldn't last anyway, and you'll get your shot if you're patient and have made improvements to your life. At this point, by adding onto her confusion, she may only end up pushing you away in an attempt to clear that confusion, especially since she's only just made it official with her new boyfriend.

      Reply
  • Ash

    Hi, so after I broke up with my bf I quickly regretted it and did everything I could to get back with him. I made a ton of mistakes out of desperation. I emailed constantly, called frequently, etc etc. He barely responded to anything I sent and I understand. I looked so needy and He needed space to breathe after I hurt him by asking to break up. I've come to terms with it all, my behavior, the break up, his silence, everything. Which is why I haven't contacted him in weeks. I'm working on me, but I do still hope to get back with him. He's the man I can't stop picturing marrying and building a life with...Anyway, the last reply I got from him before I left was to stop sending him letters and that he'd contact me when he could (that day hasn't come yet). I think he just told me that to get me to stop harassing him, but He did tell me before he's been having a rough time at home and work. Anyways I'm going to wait another month or two before I message him by sending an elephant in the room text to clear up the mess I made out of fear of losing him... The thing is I have absolutely no idea what I'd tell him when that time comes. I messed up so much thinking what I was saying was good, but it wasn't...btw we were long distance and still are, and he has no social media. Neither do I. So there's no way I'll know if he's ok, etc. It makes things so much harder in a way bc I do want to know if he's moved on...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should keep those thoughts out of your head for now, and when you initiate contact again, you'll get your answer and whether he has moved on or not since.

      Reply
  • Barry Kane

    I just sent my ex the elephant in the room text and all she said was “ok”
    What do I do ??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would probably be best to go back into no contact for awhile, because this shows that she isn't ready to talk to you yet. She could still be harboring negative emotions over the breakup, and under these circumstances, you'll either have to end up waiting indefinitely for her to finally reply positively or decide to move on.

      Reply
  • nar

    hi,i need your advice,i have a friend who was more than a friend,a little bit lover,but he is not.a year ago we stopped talking cause he wanted,after these he wrote me a few time ,but it wasnt for make peace,he wrote me in holiday,for sorry, when he just out surgery operation,we talked 2-3 days but after he again blocked me,i said him dont disturb me again,but 14february he wrote again for congrat,anyways,now i want to write him,but dont know what should i do what should i write,please help.thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could check in on how he's been lately and perhaps casually bring up a mutual topic of interest that can continue the conversation after.

      Reply
    • nar

      but what if he ignores me?or how i should start conversation?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Use the guidelines found in our articles on how to start a conversation, and if he ignores you, go back into no contact for another week or two before trying again. If he continues to ignore you, then you might want to consider the idea of moving on because it would seem that he isn't interested anymore if that's the case.

      Reply
    • nar

      thank you so much!I will write again about progress

      Reply
    • nar

      hello again,i wrote him,this is conversation
      me-Just watched series you told me onceh
      him-finally u watched smth worth
      me-always i do
      him-okey (thinking emoji)
      me-good night
      him-good night
      him-you are muted,thats why i dindt hear notification
      (he wrote me lately he muted me on fb)
      me-no problems
      he read and didnt reply,whats the point?help me please,thank you!

      Reply
  • Julia

    Hey Kevin! I'll give a brief (ish) summary of my relationship and breakup. Feel free to ask me for more details.
    My ex and I dated for just shy of 6 months, and we were each other's first real relationship. We were very happy, and very in love. However, we are both going to differenr grad schools next year, and will be 10 hours away from each other. Due to things he had said/post-college graduation plans he had mentioned possibly doing with me, I believe he at one point had wanted to do long distance. However when we talked about it a month later, he said he didn't want to do it, and I believe it was partly because of something his roommate said that scared him (his roommate had told him we should do LDR, then he should dump me a month in; one of his reasons to not do LDR was because he was afraid of breaking up over text/phone and then never seeing me again). Anyway, despite my best efforts to get him to at least try, he wouldn't budge, and in the days leading up to our last goodbye, he was not terribly nice to me, even going so far as to dump me over text because he panicked that he might not be able to see me in person before I left town, and his cousin told him to be honest with me and just do it over text. The next day he did apologize in person and admitted that he shouldn't have done that, so we got back together for the day and said our goodbyes that night. We ended things amicably and he said he wanted to stay in touch and still be friends, although he did not text me back the next day when i asked how his family brunch had gone, so i did No contact for a couple weeks. I did accidentally send him a text that I had ready to send (in case I forgot about it), asking for some pictures he had promised me, but since it was vague enough i covered it and said it was for someone else, and to my surprise, he replied positively. Anyway, I continued not contacting him, and I know you say not to do this (I hadn't seen this article at that time), but I ended NC on his birthday. I got a positive response from him 20 minutes later, and I waited a few hours to write back. However, he never replied. I haven't written to him or heard from him since, and that was 3 days ago. I'm hesitant to text him again because I'm not sure what to say that would get him to respond, and also, did I make a mistake in waiting several hours to reply? Is there anything I can do, or am I doomed?

    Thanks,
    Julia

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Wait for a week or two before trying to contact him again. Whether you responded 20 minutes later or 3 hours later had nothing to do with the situation in your case, and it might mean that he isn't ready to face you yet. Avoid pushing for a reply or doing anything desperate because you may only end up pushing him further away.

      Reply
  • mark morris

    Hey Ryan,
    My relationship was very new. Only a matter of six dates. Without going into the whole detail. We had talked a lot about our histories.. She was divorcing a man who she had married after a very quick relationship. It didn’t last more than a day or two.
    I was smitten by her and was a perfect gentleman, felt her pain from what she had gone through.
    I’ve had four significant relationships and I’m currently in a good place with my wellbeing I felt!
    Our dates were long and enjoyable and we were getting to know each other with long looks and the odd kiss and longer kiss.
    We were always the last to leave wherever we were.
    But all fell apart after we spent an afternoon in her home sharing a dvd and a cuddle.
    She suddenly stiffened up and sort of politely showed me out.
    The next morning I was told she had got things wrong, and didn’t want to continue.
    I’m very disappointed and want to know if there’s any value in giving her the space of a no contact period!
    What are your thoughts?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might have to figure out what her reason was for suddenly changing her attitude towards you just like that, and considering the length of the relationship, there is a chance that she would move on quickly as well. You might have to mentally prepare for this, but first, see if the reason for her sudden change is something that can be fixed or not.

      Reply
  • Patrick

    Hey Ryan,
    I’ve just been out of a 5 year relationship just under 2 months ago. The break up was eventually going to happen but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon and so I didn’t think of it much and sort of agreed mutually to the break up. During the 2 months after the break up, I just felt like it was a break to me but to her it was literally a break up and during that time she found someone she was interested in - a friend who’s been there for her when I wasn’t. I only found about this relationship just a couple days ago and this time it really hurt because now the break up is real. I’ve managed to clear my head and I do want her back in my life, I just want to know how I should go about this to enable to give me the opportunity to at least see her again in person. I’ve already taken action and consulted the reasons as to why we broke up to try and better myself and I have messaged her about the elephant in the room. She has responded “I’m happy for you that you’re doing something about it, I genuinely want good things for you too. Thank you too for the last 5 years because they weren’t all bad. And I forgive you. I want us both to move on and be on good terms.” Where do I go from here. Any help would be great. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For now, the best thing you can do is to actively work on yourself since the 2 months was treated more like a 'break' from your point of view rather than the proper sequence and actions a breakup would cause you to go through. You'll probably have to see if the new relationship is a rebound or not, be patient in waiting for an opportunity and not do anything rash or desperate in the meantime that might push her further away.

      Reply
    • Patrick

      In that case should I do the NC?

      Reply
  • Jose Calcano

    Hey, my ex broke Up with me because she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. We didn't last that Long but i really want to be with her, it has been over a month since we last texted but about 2 weeks ago i called her to she was doing. Should i wait 2 more weeks to begone texting again or am i good to go? Also, there was no fighting in the relationship so which conversation starter would you reccomend?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the relationship didn't end on a bad note and you haven't been together with her for very long, perhaps continue to text her if she responds positively and you don't have to use any particular type of conversation, just keep things light and casual, and not try to come across as too pushy.

      Reply
  • Jemma

    Hey, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, he was really considerate about it and it was mainly down to me changing into a worse person over the couple of years we went out. I asked him to think about what he was doing and message me in a week or so but if he does do I message him back or do I do the no contact thing?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, I suggest beginning no contact only if you are certain that things are over for now. If he contacts you, it would mean that the breakup was only temporary but you should still work on figuring out where things went wrong in the process and trying to overcome whatever negative issues that may have led to the breakup in the first place.

      Reply
  • JUJU

    i have followed No contact period of 35 days. Now i have send her advise text asking her for a suggestion for a place where i can organise a small party for my freinds. But she has not replied even after 6 hrs. what should i do now.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Wait it out longer, and if she does not reply, continue with NC for another week or two before trying once again.

      Reply
  • Pat

    I read your article and i don't think that "the elephant in the room'' text applies to me because after the break up I texted and sound needy but before going into the no-contact period I tried to fix things, and by this I mean, I send him a text just saying that I started seeing a show that he also sees and how much I was enjoying it, he responded well but we talked little. Days after that he had something mine to give it to me and we tried to organize an hour for him to give me that, but we never managed to find a compatible hour, then I suggest for him to give that thing at a party that we would be both at and he didn't respond at all. Then i began with the no contact period. Now I don't know if I should start the contact with the normal texts or with the elephant in room text, what do I use?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could still proceed with the elephant in the room text, and apologize for the issues you contributed to during the relationship period that led to the eventual breakup.

      Reply
    • Pat

      so instead of apologizing for what I did after the breakup (almost beg and look very fragile), I must apologize for what i did that led to the breakup? Even if it was me who broke up with him, because he was distant?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You definitely should apologize for that too, but do not focus on it because it wasn't what caused the relationship to end in the first place, more of what made the situation worse. You'll want to address the root of the issue if you want to get back with him.

      Reply
  • Dani

    Hey! Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and I did NC for this time. But last week I started to text him and we talk for a while, we talked for more two days and then he didn’t replied anymore. So I waited 3 days and started again the conversation and it was fine, just positive things. He told me he is going to move to another country in 3 months for work and I said I was happy for him. But I still want him back, what should I do? Continue the light conversations? And if he doesn’t start the talk? Should I said something?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, continue with the light conversations but perhaps add in a little flirting as well and see how he responds to it. However, you have to keep in mind that him moving to another country for work may open a whole new set of problems and you'll have to be ready for that if you want to try winning him back.

      Reply
    • Dani

      Hi! We’re still having the light conversations, nothing about the break up, just talking like friends...how can I suddenly add a little flirting? I don’t know, but maybe he’s not interested on me...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps talk about a particular thing that reminded you of an event that happened while you were together to bring about familiar memories and see how he responds to that.

      Reply
    • Dani

      Hi! I just found out he is with someone else... and I just don’t know what to do! Please give me some help..

      Reply
  • Jun

    So I've actually made it to the end, I was able to get them to agree to meet up somewhere to just catch up. My question is though, should we keep it casual or do I bring up whether we should get back together or not?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Keep it casual and work on building up the level of comfort and bond before moving on to the topic of getting back.

      Reply
  • J

    My story is as follows: We broke up a little over a week ago. Before that we had been together for 2.5 years. About little over a month ago we had a falling out and he told me he didn’t feel like he could be in a relationship at this time in his life. I had met him only a few months after his previous long term relationship and he believes he met “the right girl at the wrong time.” He told me he felt that he was not being the best boyfriend that he could be and that it hurts him to feel this way and it hurts him that he can not give me 100% when he knows I’ve given him 110%. He told me numerous times that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’m perfect in every way and none of this is my fault. I’ve always known that he was not fond of commitment and I never pushed him in anyway to commit to me (we only dated for 2 years and then actually put a label on our relationship back in September.) I think he just got frustrated with himself not making me completely happy. And he feels annoyed when he has to consider another person in his decisions (travel, work, friends) He is approaching 27 years old and I can tell he doesn’t want to feel like a relationship is holding him back. The break up was not ugly or angry. It was overall just very sad and he said numerous times to call him whenever I needed to. And that he will never NOT answer me. He told me that this is what needs to happen right now and this is best for us and that I will be just fine. He said this was nothing about other girls and that “I’d probably be in another relationship before he even starts to date again.” He told me I have and always will hold a special place in his heart and that I still mean the world to him. We had a great relationship. Never really fought, never took breaks or went a long time with out talking. The break up happened late night after going out with our friends. I called him the next morning to make sure this is what he really wanted to do and he said it was. And he again reminded me that I could call at any time if I need help and that this was the best thing for us. Since then, it’s been a week. I have not contacted him at all but I keep hoping and praying that he will realize the value I brought to his life and that he will reach out. I told myself that I would complete this 30 days of no contact but that brings me to right before his birthday and I am unsure where to go from here. Do I text him if I haven’t heard from him after 30 days? I really do hope that he realizes this was a huge mistake but I’m scared this will only happen years from now. He even admitted that we were perfect together. Just the timing wasn’t right.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes despite voicing out that thinking a person was right, may not necessarily mean anything and action still won't be taken. It depends on the person entirely though, and if he does not contact you by the time NC ends, you could always consider contacting him instead on a casual note to start building the friendship/comfort levels back up again. You could use this article as a guideline if you're unsure on what to do after NC.

      Reply
    • J.

      Update: He did end up calling me after 2 weeks of NC. I missed the call and told him I'd call back later that evening. The chat wasn't about getting back together though or regretting his decision. He wanted to check-in that I was okay and very much want to let me know that he still cares a lot about me and is having a hard time during this break up as well. He expressed numerous times that he wanted us to be able to remain in contact if I ever needed to talk because he "doesn't see a life with us not in communication." He said he was not looking to date anyone else because he already found the perfect girl (me) but the timing still isn't right for him right now. I expressed to him that this is going to end up being unrealistic because I won't be waiting around and will eventually move on. He was a bit everywhere but the conversation ended well. I think he is probably expecting me to "be more comfortable" now to reach out to him. But I'm going to stick to my plan and finish the 30 days until I reach out to him.

      Any advice?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete NC, and he probably still does have feelings for you but might need a little space right now. Connect back with him after NC and personal self-improvements are achieved.

      Reply
  • Michelle

    So after a casual relationship of 3 months my boyfriend broke up with me using excuses like he had to focus on studies and he was still hurt from previous relationship etc. He broke up with me via text. I said thank you for being honest and was great getting to know you, goodbye. He then texted me quite every week fr 3 weeks saying he felt terrible about ending it that way and he misses me and he wants to see me so we can talk and hes been thinking about what happened and hes sorry he freaked out in a big way and he genuinely liked hanging out with me and things he sees still make him think of me. I told him of a show his favourite local artist was having in 2 months and he asked me to come with. I said no because its so long away he said well he had two tickets anyways and the offer was open. We eventually went for a drink and he hugged me for ages when he saw me. A drink turned to 5 hours before another long hug goodbye. 2 days later he sent my fave flowers to work. We went for coffee and then he asked how it is for me when we see each other because he doesn't want it to be awkward. Hed message me every few days. I thought he was pulling away so in self preservation i wrote a letter with memories and said because of that i cant just be friends. I apologised for my role in the breakup and thanked him for his time. he said he understood and respected that and said he did feel something for me and actually still does and would like to give me a hug sometime. I realised a few days later my mistake in thinking he was just keeping me on the line and invited him to a movie but he said he was away and had already seen it. Not a word from him since and that was a week ago. I dont know how to reestablish communication without looking crazy. What do i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should probably wait a bit more before reaching out again to him. It seems that he does still have feelings for you based on his efforts but there also seems to be a miscommunication between both parties on their intentions so I would suggest actually having a proper conversation with him when you're able to regarding both your feelings and where you stand.

      Reply
    • Michelle

      do i wait for him to contact me? Or do i reach out in a few days? If so, how? I dont want to mess this up any more than i have so far

      Reply
  • D K

    Hey Ryan,

    Do you have an email I could shoot a couple questions to by chance?
    I just wanna ask a couple questions and see what your take on it is. I'm in what I feel is kind of a unique situation.

    Cheers,
    DK

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi, unfortunately we don't provide personal 1-1 consulting unless it's with Kevin. Here's the link to it if you're interested.

      Reply
  • Phil

    Hello,

    This is Phil again. I typed on this two weeks ago. After sending the elephant in the room letter, I started slowly talking to my ex on snapchat. Everytime I would message her, she would always reply immediately. I took my time, and sent messages slowly as Kevin said to do. Eventually, 8 days ago, I mentioned to her a lot of the things I learned about myself during the time period we were apart, specifically how severe my insecurities were and how surprised I was that I never noticed how severe they were. She replied after saying "glad u realized this but no offense why r u bringing it all up?". I told her there was more, and mentioned how I went to counseling and how that was what helped me. She said "I hope it helped" and "I'm glad you realized these things and tht u feel better". Then we talked about the breakup and how I was worried about her after she got physically sick and seemed to not know what was going on. She said the breakup was draining for her and that she felt I kept trying to make her think she was just having worrying thoughts, whereas they were actually feelings. Eventually, she said talking about this with her probably wasn't healthy. She just felt like we weren't vibing anymore. Eventually, I started typing the lengthy descriptive memory text. I described in detail the first day we met and how amazing it was. She said it was nice that I was having happy memories but felt that talking to her would make me more upset and that perhaps I should stick to talking to my counselor and friends. We talked a bit more, and eventually I asked how she would feel about hanging out just to catch up, grab some food or something. She said "I think its too soon and we both need time to heal". That was 8 days ago, and I haven't spoken to her since. I ended that conversation on a good note. Recently (Saturday night) I saw on her friends' snapchat story that there was a guy with his hands around my ex's waist. I have seen this guy on my ex's snapchat story feeds, but just as friends, in a friend group, with no indication of dating. I only saw him once on her story a couple of weeks ago, and even now see nothing on her social media that would indicate this person is in her life. This seems like it could be a rebound and that she's hiding him from me. Not sure. Anyways, with everything I've said, I'm stuck between giving her space or continuing to rebuild attraction. I can't tell if our conversation had more good signs or bad signs. She texted me immediately during the whole conversation and was there reading each and every sentence I typed during the memory text. We both go to college together so Im not sure if I should give her a month of no contact again while she's back home and its summer, or if I should continue rebuilding attraction over text. Any sort of advice or plan would be so very appreciated. Thank you so much,

    -Phil

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're confident that you have a handle of your emotions, then you could start to build attraction but remember to progress at a slow pace because she does seem to have her guard up at this point. Don't rush into things, and if she's currently in a rebound, avoid acting out in an emotional or desperate manner as it would definitely push her away.

      Reply
    • Phil

      Ryan,

      Thanks for getting back to me. So is my best bet to give her some space until college ends, and rebuild from there?

      Thanks,

      -Phil

      Reply
  • Jim

    Hi Team, can you please provide advice on my questions below in the long post that would be much appreciated.

    Also if she is not responding she I give her , her stuff back through someone else or just leave it? I don’t want it in my house anymore.

    Reply
  • Jay Parker Moore

    Hey, my ex broke up with February last year and things has never been easy for me at all. it was all because she suspected I was cheating of which wasn't true. she asked and I told her everything and she forgave me. she wrote me a letter and the content of the letter was a break up message. I accepted because she said in the letter that she wants to be alone not knowing she was putting me into a race to fight back for her, bcos I knew nothing about that idea of hers, we parted ways and till know i still love her but ive said all i gotta say but it seems she has made up her mind so all she tells me now is to move on. I even allowed one of her best friends to talk to her but was all futile. Please help me out with some suggestions to get her cos I cant move on!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You can try following the guidelines found within our articles on methods to get her back.

      Reply
  • Mikael

    I was with my girlfriend for a year and half and she broke up with me saying theres no sparks between us anymore. Also things that i needed to improve in a relationship and i was improving at the time. After the break up i texted her once a week for 2 weeks saying that i miss her. I called her on 3rd week and we met and i explained why i did those things when we were together. I did that to keep her happy. Also she agreed that i was improving but she said she couldnt take it anymore. She asks my friends how am i doing and she says that she misses me. So i did NC For 34 days and i texted her again on facebook with a video message with a memory we had while traveling together. She read my message but didn’t reply. What should i do next?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give it a week and perhaps drop her another text then. If she still does not reply despite reading the message, it could mean that she is not ready to talk to you for whatever reasons of her own. Consider going into NC again in that case for another couple of weeks before trying again.

      Reply
  • Jim

    I wrote below about my journey with my ex. I thought I would send one more advice message today and I have being blocked via text message and also saw she has reblocked me on instagram and Facebook. I have not once being rude my texts were polite, positive and happy, they were also spaced quite apart in regards to weeks. I believe she is jealous that I have accepted the break up and lost 8kgs, taking massive action with my business.

    Now I am going to move on, I am going on dates this weekend which I’m super pumped about.

    Let me know if you think about her? I feel now I should move on, Ive done the best I can and if I got blocked for saying sorry and asking for some advice on açai bowls then is she someone I want in my life?

    Here is my story to date:

    Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male. I will attract her back or someone else into my life by acting positive

    Reply
  • Jack

    How long after ending no contact should you keep the conversation light and happy and avoid emotional topics? I'm just curious because i'm afraid that by not having meaningful conversations it will be easy to get "friend zoned."

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could have meaningful conversations without going too much into emotional topics first, and see how she responds towards you. Take it a step at a time and if she shows signs of discomfort, pull back for the time being and continue to keep it light.

      Reply
  • Jim

    Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male. I will attract her back or someone else into my life by acting positive.

    Reply
  • Poppy

    I'm having a hard time getting my ex interested in the conversation. Today I initiated a conversation and asked him a few questions, but he didn't ask any back and he let the conversation die after my last message (to be fair I didn't ask him anything or give him anything to continue with, really). I'm still just on Day 1 so it's not a big deal, but what do I do if he's still not interested further into the plan?
    I'm thinking when I next initiate, I'll try using a memory text to give us something more to talk about.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, you could use a shared memory, or even ask about something you know he might have been up to lately.

      Reply
  • Carmen

    Hi,

    My ex and I broke up 1,5 months ago after a short but intense relationship that lasted about a month. Classic story - he came on very strong and when I 'surrendered' to the relationship he lost interest but in all fairness I probably did seem a little needy in my behavior towards the end and we had a discussion about that which ended with me texting 'I'm done with this (texting) but get in touch if you feel like it' which he never replied to. I'm ok without him, have a happy healthy life and even dating. But there was some intimacy in it I haven't felt for a long time and I was frustrated with us ending the way we did (by him ghosting me) so about a week ago I texted him and asked a short question not expecting an answer but he did reply (a very elaborated answer and lots of smileys) and asked how I was doing and seemed happy with the dialogue which I ended with a short but polite 'thank you' text. Now my question: is he interested in a dialogue with me? Or should I let it go? I would think he would initiate if he was - my male friends all says: 'he'll find a way to contact you if he wants you'. Is it always that way with guys? or should I send another text - if so which one? I guess another question would be weird...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As you've mentioned, there are a variety of reasons why people lose interest in their partners, and often times the biggest reason why we feel hung up over them is the lack of proper closure from the ending of the last relationship. My suggestion would actually be to perhaps consider starting a conversation with him and see how he responses before deciding whether to walk away or not, especially if closure is something you require.

      Reply
    • Carmen

      But that's the problem - I don't know if he wants to talk me - he is not initiating anything only responding and if I do initiate contact (again) - what kind of text should I use? I guess it would be overwhelming to ask him for a closure meeting (also I'm not sure I want to close it completely- not if there is a chance he still wants to be with me).

      Reply
  • John

    Would you recommend the elephant in the room approach. We ended on good terms but it was really random and sudden. I know many problems throughout the almost 3 years helped the situation end. So would this be the way to go along with apologizing for the mistakes I made and acknilowging that I've accepted the break up.

    Reply
  • Phil

    Hello,

    Girlfriend broke up with me on March 25th. We ended on very good terms. She said she was still in love with me, but she thinks we lost a spark. She exhibited signs of anxiety, however, crying so hard that she would vomit and feel like passing out. I tried to tell her that it could be anxiety but she said it definitely wasn't. I think she's in denial about it and I think it was that anxiety that mainly caused the break up. Now, it has been 3 weeks with no contact. I sent her the hand written letter (elephant in the room) and when I told her she had mail from me she said "omg I'm so curious! I'll pick it up tomorrow!". In the letter, I apologize for how I acted during the breakup and that I accept that it was for the best because she had been having a really hard time during it. When she got the letter she said "Thank you :)". I haven't spoken to her since then (4 days ago). I am going to start messaging her tomorrow. Do you think that the fact that she has been acting so chilled out and is so open to talking means she's moved on? What are my chances, especially if anxiety caused it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If anxiety was what caused the breakup, the anxiety attacks may have stopped shortly after and it may be the reason she's open to talking to you at this point since some time has passed. I suggest not overthinking things, and continue with your contact as planned.

      Reply
    • John

      Please read my above statement thank you.

      Reply
  • John

    I've been with my ex for 2 years and a half and she ended it suddenly with me by saying she didn't love me anymore and didn't see me in that way anymore what style of message should I send her after no contact. How long do you recommend no contact should be. And I'll take any other advice you can give me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Its common for couples to lose feelings of passion and spark after being together for so long, resulting in one party walking away. What you'll need to do is to find ways to re-create it again if you want to win her back. Perhaps start off on a friendly note, and keep conversation topics interesting. Make some noticeable changes as well to yourself, so that she sees you in a different light after NC. I would recommend no contact for around the same time frame of 30 days so that you have some time to work on yourself.

      Reply
  • Tyler

    After a 7 year relationship and a hard break up almost a year ago I still have feelings for my ex. We have tried to talk a few times after me reaching out to her but there were still too many emotions and each attempt ended badly. It seemed like she kept waiting for me to say or do something each time we met. Even the last 2 times we met after she told me she had started dating someone else she still seemed to be waiting for me to say the magic words. We had no contact after that week until I wished her a happy birthday in March. She responded positively. I'm ready to reach out to her without making her feel like I'm interfering with her relationship. I think we both could talk without the emotions getting in the way now and feel like our relationship is worth trying to get thru to her. Just looking for advice

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you really think she's worth it, the best advice I can give is to be patient and trust that if you had a meaningful relationship with her, your friendship and positive changes you've made since the last time you were together with her may eventually get through to her.

      Reply
  • Rohit

    Hi,

    I was into a 4 yrs relationship with this girl.she is very simple and loved me a lot. It ended as I cheated on her. Although I did show the courage to tell that to her one day and she was confused then and finally chose to leave me.

    From the initial instinct, I begged, pleaded but with no luck. Finally I have accepted her decision and the fact that she is with some one new. I don't know if this new relationship of her is a rebound or not as he knows this guys for a long time say 2 yrs.

    Currently I am in no contact period for 4 days now and the breakup was last week.

    I really want her back as i have seen my future with her. Kindly suggest

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some time to let go of the incident and forgive you, and complete NC before attempting to contact her. Keep in mind that as she is attached, it might not be the best idea to interfere with the relationship as it may backfire on you instead. Focus on becoming her friend again first, and only consider your options again after that is done.

      Reply
  • Michelle

    Im 38 and he’s 39. We were together for 8 months while he was working on getting divorced. Which was finalized in December. He started talking to another girl and kept running back to his ex wife. So I broke up with him. I waited 3 months of no contact. I texted him and he replied the next day. Said his trip was good and saw his family. I ended it with glad to here it. Day 4 I texted about a memory that made me smile and think about him. He responded 4 hours later and we both went back and forth with about 10-30 minutes in between texts, total of about 6 messages. I feel like he’s only texting back to be nice. He hasn’t initiated a text yet. How long do I keep texting without him initiating a text? I’m going to keep following your timeline. But I’m scared he won’t ever initiate.
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes it may take longer and more effort is required from the person who is trying to win the other party back. However, keep in mind if that he still doesn't be the one to initiate or change his tone and emotion after constant initiation from you, be mentally prepared that he isn't that serious about you anymore, considering that he still jumps around between another girl and his ex wife.

      Reply
  • Steve

    I read something in a different article in which you talked about sending a hand written letter. Would you do that after you are texting on a regular basis?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Typically, ending no contact can take place in several ways depending on the familiarity of the mode of contact. You could either send a hand written letter, email, or text depending on the circumstances. I believe this was the article you were referring to.

      Reply
  • Lynsey

    How quickly will I get my ex back if I used this system

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It varies for everyone and is entirely based on the circumstances on how the relationship had ended in the first place.

      Reply
  • Jade

    Hi, So me and my es split up about a week and a half a go after a drunken argument where all our problems came up. I have been doing NC, however we have had to see each other a few times to get stuff back and so on. When would you class NC started, from when you last saw them due to them collecting the stuff or when you actually text them regarding something else.At first he was texting me asking me if I was okay and I let him know that I can't have him texting me and he can only speak to me if its a proper conversation or he has something to say about us as I needed time to heal. So far he has respected that. Also would you say dropping them a text at the end of April would be too soon to end NC.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  • Madhuri

    After a month of no contact I messaged.
    so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
    To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am good too!! Thanks”
    I thinks that’s fine for now.
    But when and what should be my next move?

    Reply
  • Robert

    So I'm doing the no contact thing. It's been 3 days now, her and I dated for 1 year and few months. In between her father had been going through chemo treatments and could very well die. In between she developed a friendship with one of the people in our group and not until he ignored her and said he had feelings for her and wanted to kiss her. A part of her wanted to but ultimately she was very confused with her feelings. She needed time to think but wants to put taking care of her father first before anything else. She didn't want to lose a friendship or me.
    Now though I gave her a couple of days. We talked... we kissed and said how much we loved each other for the better part of 5 hours talking about it. After a few more days of no contact she told me how she has kept busy and has done things for herself that she didn't do when we were together. She actually wanted to try to get a license and get her "shit" together. She was very apologetic but in the end said this will only get easier. We exchanged clothing and she wrote me a letter saying hopefully our hearts can heal and we learn love again. She also told me that music helped and that she hasn't eaten much since.
    How long should I wait? It's been a week since our break up haven't contacted each other in 3 days now.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could refer to this article regarding no contact, and what to do. Typically, the best would be to give it a month before contacting her again.

      Reply
  • Daisy

    Hi, my aspie ex and I had broken up since late January, we still talked back and forth afterwards, fought too since he held resentment towards me and I had very bad emotion management. We had this really intense argument 3 weeks ago and he unfriended me everywhere saying he never wanted to see me again. Last week, he approached me said "I hope you've learned" as in a come back. I ignored it, two days later he texted me again saying he was over it and that he just wanted time away. I left the message "read/seen" again as I didn't know what was good to say. He stalked me and saw I posted a love song cover. Then he started messaging me about 5-8 times a day since, with messages about he misses me, things that reminds him of me. He calls me my nickname and talks about things we like.

    I have been talking to his sister about it and last night she told me that he said something along the line "she will never get over me , and she will come running back."
    I'm overwhelmed. Someone advised me to wait one more week to text back if he insists messaging; someone else said I should wait until I be less emotional; and some other said I should wait til he makes up his mind to bring up about the relationship and that I shouldn't be this easy or else he would always be controlling me... By this Sunday, it would be the 4th week no contact. Should I start texting back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems to me that he is projecting his personal feelings onto you. He claims that you'll never get over him, but instead is obsessing over you at the lack of contact you've made with him so far. If you decide to contact him again after Sunday, my advice would be to keep yourself calm and emotionally collected, and do not let his words get to you, because he may portray feelings of triumph at you talking to him again.

      Reply
    • Daisy

      Thank you for your reply. In that case, should I say I missed him if he says that to my face when we start talking again? Tomorrow will be the day, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready yet...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you aren't emotionally ready, do not force yourself and instead take things at a slow and comfortable pace. You shouldn't say something if you feel unnatural about and simply go with the flow based on how you feel.

      Reply
    • Daisy

      Thanks again Ryan. I haven't texted back. And now he wants to get me a video game and play together, and has sent me an request to add me back on the game place...but I ignored that. Today he said playfully that I would go back to him eventually and that he knows I couldn't ignore him forever... My friend who was currently studying the book "The Art of Seduction" told me to try and insult him by attacking his low self esteem in order to make him stop being arrogant and start taking me seriously... this is so extreme from what I had been told to do (being sweet and gentle). What is your thought on this?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would honestly be better to avoid playing mind games and doing things like that just to get a desired result, because by attacking his self esteem, if not done right could easily spark greater issues, and would require to continue with the act in order to maintain your results. My suggestion is to completely ignore him for now, and to not respond to his comments and let it 'hit' him that you could potentially be walking away for good instead of 'definitely coming back someday'.

      Reply
    • Daisy

      I hear you... I accepted that request on the game place and the game he gifted... yet I still haven't talked to him besides saying "thanks" on my own whiteboard. Did that fail the no contact rule, should I unfriend him and start it all over again?

      On the other hand, he still messages me on a social media everyday, I read them from time to time, should I actually not even click on them as I think he somehow knew I had read?

      Reply
    • Daisy

      Update: I got emotional and unfriended him. He messaged me and said "whatever. I give up". I think I'm done... Thank you for your supports

      Reply
  • Air

    What if after day 9, your ex doesn't initiate contact?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Then wait a couple of days before trying again, and continue to observe if he shows any signs of interest or not.

      Reply
  • Poppy

    Texted my ex on his birthday after two weeks of no contact. Just a simple "Happy bday". He replied with "Thanks Pops :)" (Pops is my nickname lol. He never called me that when we were dating, so I wonder why he used it now?). I think that's pretty encouraging, though. I was psyching myself up for a "Thanks" or "Thank u" or even "Thx". I'm glad he at least included my name and a smiley, even if it was just a tiny gesture. What do you guys think about that?
    Thinking about asking him for music recommendations from his favourite band in a couple weeks time. Something like "Hey, do you still listen to [band]?". Then maybe when he replies I'll ask for his favourite songs or albums or something.
    I think I'm pretty solid on the motivation part of wanting to text him. I've really been trying to work hard on myself during our no-contact period (we officially broke up a month ago). I miss talking to him and we had a connection I don't want to lose. Hopefully everything goes alright for me. Good luck to anyone else reading this page! <3 We can do it...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great Poppy. It's definitely a positive sign (no matter how small) if he called you by your nickname, since it shows that he does not harbor negative emotions towards you. Hang in there and we hope that you succeed!

      Reply
  • Grace

    Hi there! My short lived 5 month boyfriend dumped me a few weeks ago because of work/school/medical related stress and said that he wants to stay friends (he’s friends with all of his exes). After a week of no contact, he started snapchatting me and texting me every day - short conversations but he always initiated and I always ended it. After a few days of this, I had a mini meltdown. I told him that I can’t switch to friends in a blink of an eye especially since we didn’t start out as friends before jumping into dating. I continued by saying that I was tempted to give an ultimatum of together or nothing which he responded with “I’ll give you space but let me know if you change your mind. No hard feelings if you don’t.” I terribly kept going by asking if there was someone else and he said no and that was the end of that lol🤦🏻‍♀️. NC started after that but I’m not sure what kind of text to send. I’m not sure if saying all of those things would entice an elephant in the room/apology text, or if it wasn’t bad enough to go ahead and do a nostalgia text. Thanks for the article! It helped a lot!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go ahead with the elephant in the room text, keeping things light-hearted to see how he would respond towards you at that stage.

      Reply
  • Fan1234

    Hello, 2 months back i met this nice girl on a public transport and we talked, she gave me her number and we went into texting the whole day every day, we set up a date and we kissed, and she was happy and said she is looking forward for other dates, and that she likes me, i already told her my feelings that i really liked her, and we decided to take things slow and see where it leads, then suddenly one day after 1.5 month , she told me that she start missing me out of the blue and getting afraid and confused and that she want to take tings slow and don't want to jump in a serious r/ship at the moment, i was confused of her mixed signs, and ask her if she is directing the conversation to the most common "lets be just friends" closure, and she told me that she don't want JUST ONLY FRIENDS and says we can be both, i was getting more confused and told her what she said just don't make a sense at all, because we already discussed about talking things slow and agreed upon. and she replied It's enough for today and trying to put me in a needy position so i just cut it right at that moment, told her it's enough not only for now but forever , and i told her that i will not be able to be friends with her, i was being truthful and straightforward around her and she clearly knows my intentions and feelings, and my understanding level, knowing all that and the way she twisted simple things and cover up her true motive makes me upset. I said my good bye and turn off my social media account and went to no contact . her last text was that she is sorry to put me in that situation and that she know she will regret this one day. etc.

    A week later, she texted me How are you and I miss you, and i ignore her text.and went silent.
    Then we run into each other at the exact same place we first meet, waiting for a taxi, i wasn't shocked at all,confident and with a smile, says hi, and have a small conversation and went separately, she looked a bit nervous and shy. later that night midnight, she texted me she was very happy she saw me in the morning. i replied her the next morning , she says hope you are fine and have a good day, and i replied the same.

    it's been three days since this happens and am not sure how to proceed, the NC already broken, and am not sure what her intentions are considering we only went out on 1st date through the 1.5 month. Where do you think this will lead to.

    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It honestly seems like she was starting to develop stronger feelings for you at that point before the argument, but wasn't certain of them yet. She might have her reservations about getting into a serious relationship, but that's something you can always convince her otherwise with your actions that there was nothing to fear. Currently, no contact hasn't been entirely broken since it was not a deliberate attempt to meet or contact her and you merely bumped into her in public. However, given your circumstances no contact may not have been necessary as it might be more effective to build the connection with her now instead while she clearly felt happy to see you, which indicates positive signals.

      Reply
    • Fan1234

      Thank you

      Reply
  • Mae

    “Hey, I just want to message you and say thank you for helping me and giving me the push I needed to be a stronger person. I’m sorry how I reacted during our break up and I have really accepted why we need this and everything that has happened in these last few months. I have been feeling so much better mental now that I have started to work on myself and switched my birth control and corrected that hormone imbalance (which we were right was a major factor in my anxiety and depression and it’s now basically nonexistent at times which is cool). Being out of my moms has helped a lot too. I have taken on mediating too, which we could talk about later if you are interested. I have been feel so much strong and more confident in who I am and I wanted to tell you thank you for helping me in some part get me to the point I am at today. I hope you are doing a better too and got into your school of choice. I would really would love to be able to talk to you again.” Hi I posted something earlier about him not replying again. I texted him about a week and a half later saying happy Easter and he didn’t text back to that either (which is fine because it was just a basic happy Easter text) I think I should send an elephant in the room text later in the next week or two just to give it some time and was wondering if this fits what I should send. He and I broke up because we both weren’t in a good place mentally and he was unsure of himself and if he was in love with me due to his mental illness. I have gotten better and I feel so much better in all honesty too. But we worked so well together and we had this bond that I really don’t want to loose. Would this work to get him back?

    Reply
    • Mae

      My original post was 13 days ago

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could send him the text, to see whether he responds positively or not before deciding on the next course of action you should take. If enough time has passed, and he understands the context of where you fit into his life and whether that he didn't love you only because of his illness, his response should be a positive one. If not, you might genuinely want to consider walking away, especially if he does not reply at all.

      Reply
  • Madhuri

    I sent my first text after no contact...
    I used a mutual friend and said “hey... how you been? I met with Mohan today and it reminded me of u in a while. Hope all’s well.
    Is the message going to work?
    And what do I do if it gets ignored totally?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It should be okay, but if she doesn't reply you, perhaps it is too soon to initiate contact with her in which you might want to prolong NC further before trying again.

      Reply
    • Madhuri

      Okay, so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
      To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am god too!! Thanks”
      I thinks that’s fine for now.
      But when and what should be my next move?

      Reply
  • Rose

    Hey, I am up to day 4 of your advice and it’s going ok - I think! I cut the convo short by saying I had to go to work, but he replied something that also requires a reply. When should I reply to him? Should I reply after work or wait until Day 7 when the next conversation should be. Thank you!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reply him after work but avoid giving a reply that would give him an opportunity to prolong the conversation. If he continues the conversation after, perhaps let him know that you need some space to deal with the breakup, sort yourself out and work on your issues and if he could give you some time.

      Reply
  • Jake

    Thank you very much for your article! It is very helpful. My ex broke up with me three months ago after going through her mother’s passing. I was also being very needy and over-protective towards the end. I haven’t contacted her at all since, until today after reading your article and after talking to her father. Our conversation is going nicely, but I don’t know if I should end it so that I can follow your daily plan or just not reply for a day or two. What are your thoughts?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you have actually gone through no contact, it may not be necessary to restart it just to follow the plan. Adjust accordingly based on your situation and since things are going well, continue on with it and work towards building up the connection with her once again.

      Reply
  • cgc13199

    Hi I had a question . So the first contact was a short conversation and he left me on seen and the second one was way longer and he left me on seen but we were talking from 9am to 6pm so it's understandable but how do I start a conversation again. I don't want to seem desperate. Should I use the elephant in the room text so that he knows my intentions? Or just continue with random positive things and hobbies we have?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give it some space for now since he left you on seen, and text him again in a couple of days or so with another positive topic before sending the elephant in the room text.

      Reply
  • Gisselle

    Hey,
    I contacted my ex and he replied positively but then stopped replying and I thought he forgot but I went on Facebook to update my new profile pic a day later and the same day he changed his and even posted how he went out a lot on spring break but I think he might have saw my new profile pic and is trying to make me jealous. But it also makes me think that he probably just ignored me afterwards cause he's now posting stuff on Facebook a day later and never answered me back. Should I just wait a while to text him back or should I tell him that I don't mean any harm or am just contacting him to get back together but I just want to be friends ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest waiting awhile before contacting him again. Don't get too affected by his actions since he could have been busy and forgot to reply you back then. After waiting perhaps for a week, then try to initiate contact again, but don't talk about his previous lack of reply. Instead, focus on positive topics and keep the conversation cheerful so that he remembers the moments talking to you as something positive.

      Reply
  • Omar

    I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?

    Reply
  • Claudia

    Hi,
    I did the no contact for 33 days and I texted my ex about a show we both love and also asked how he's been. he answered positively in 10 minutes but I had a class at the time so I answered an hour later and he answered back a few hours later and then I answered and even included how I was doing but after that he didn't respond. I'm not panicking. I'm just kinda wondering if maybe he's that busy or if I said something wrong. Should I just wait two days to text him again? I feel like I should wait two days and also include when I text him that I'm not talking to him just because I'm looking to get back together (well I plan to gain our friendship back and see where it goes from there. hopefully getting back together) but I'm not sure what to do. The conversation sure it was really short but it's not like he answered in one word texts and I thought it was going well until he didn't reply so what should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Try not to overthink things for now, and remember that sometimes people generally forget to reply or it slips their mind in the moment that they're busy. I agree with your suggestion to wait another 2 days before contacting him again, and keep things casual. You might have to take it even slower if this repeats itself as you don't want to come across as needy.

      Reply
    • Claudia

      Okay so update. I talked to him again after 2 days and the conversation was way longer than now. he probably was less busy compared to first contact. The conversation at first seemed like he was a little hesitant because he wouldn't have a lengthy reply but towards the end it was better. couldn't leave him something to think about because we were talking about his car because when we were dating, he was fixing it and towards the end he didn't answer but it was already 7pm so I understand. But I appreciate the longer conversation, it was at least something. baby steps at a time

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear. All the best Claudia, baby steps.

      Reply
  • Tracey

    I've been seeing a man for around a year. We both have children from previous relationships. Things have been going well until the last couple months. His work is full on and takes up a lot of his time which has not been a huge problem as I am quite independent and my own life is busy. Lately his work has become all consuming and we have not had any time together. While he still texts me & keeps in contact, the conversations are not as long and I fell into the neediness trap questioning if he really wants to continue. Reading back some messages I've sent him of late have made me cringe! He acknowledges he wants to work less to spend more time with me but regardless, he makes no effort to do so and it's turned into a vicious cycle where I get upset and I'm sure he does too. In effect, it's now created a tense relationship and texting is no longer light and fun. I feel like giving up as much as it's heartbreaking. Would no contact help in this situation as there is not a "break up" we are dealing with? I don't want him to think he can take advantage of me & that I'll just wait around forever for it all to be on his terms.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No contact would be better suited for a relationship that has failed and both parties require space to let go of negative emotions. In your case, since you are still together with him, NC may actually cause the relationship to strain further from the deliberate lack of contact. I suggest instead trying to communicate across effectively to him and trying to work out an arrangement that would suit the both of you.

      Reply
  • Mario

    the last few weeks things were okay until she got a work in the city,far from where i live,later she told me that she don't know what she needs in love.i used to act desperately sometimes and at some point i asked her if she loves me and she said yes and even needs me more.she then silenced for some days and i called her and she told me i was a terrible liar for the time we were together and she needs time and space to think about our relationship.i asked her after 1 week of NC and said she had not given our relationship a thought and she needed more time and space to figure things out because her work isnt going right.so far ive gone NC for 2 weeks.should i add more time or should i give up and move on.we were really the best and everyone felt jealous for how our beautiful relationship was.her parenrs are also aware that we loved each other in more than a year of dating.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest giving NC another 2 weeks or so, before you try to contact her again. If she still does not respond positively, you can reconsider your options again at that point.

      Reply
  • Mae

    So I did NC with my ex (who broke up with me because he wasn’t “in love” with the person I am right now) for a month after now being broken up for 2 but we weren’t talking much for a few weeks before that period Other than me begging for him to say it’s a break so we could work on ourself (we agreed that we both needed time apart and it wasn’t a ugly break up), him and I saying sorry and making plans to return each others things (took like 4 tried to get everything) we didn’t talk. When he did come to drop things off he would still call me pet names and kiss my head when I cried and told me he loved me and we were going to still be in each other lives and we would still see each other around to the last time he dropped things off to where he still hugged and kissed me like he always did he Tried to him distancing himself in saying we couldn’t be friends and he doesn’t want me in his life and things like that to which I responded with fuck you and left the car. I later apologized and he said he understood and still was his sweet self. I decided that I would start the no contact then but he contacted me to send me a super sweet lovey text about things seeming like he would be open to having a relationship with me again to which I responded and said some nice things back. Didn’t talk to him for over 30 days and I messaged him on st Patty’s, which is a fun day I’m our relationship, “happy st. Patrick’s Day. Hopefully not drinking any Kings cups this year” which he helped me drink the year before. He responded right away saying he wasn’t doing anything fun and kept the messages going for a bit until ending the message saying he hoped I was being safe and not drinking and smokeing and then driving which was really heart felt and sweet and he didn’t reply after I said I was which seemed right. Today after the wait between I sent him a text about a memory we had together and asked him how he was and he hasn’t replied. It’s been about 3 hours since and I know he has probably looked at it. What should I do if he doesn’t reply at all?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he does not reply, continue with no contact and wait for a couple of days to a week before you initiate anything else.

      Reply
  • Dave

    So my ex and i broke up around 2.5 months ago... I did a month of no contact, got a great new job, got into better shape and received a positive response on initial contact. we have been speaking since (1-2 times a week), spoke on the phone and even met up for an hour lunch last week that i feel went really well, no relationship talk, no awkward silences, just us talking about life and joking around. I didnt try to kiss her or anything, but she did give me two long hugs. My concern is that i have initiated almost all contact except one time and her liking my social media posts. I just asked her out for a walk around the lake by us with my dog, unfortunately our schedules just dont line up the next 2 weeks, (we both work busy, long hour schedules) so i told her to text me when she has some free time for it. Should i wait it out now until she contacts me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since both parties are busy, perhaps give her some time to see if she initiates contact, but just keep in mind that as she is also going to busy the next 2 weeks, it might not occur to her to contact you first. However, it doesn't mean anytime at this point and there's no harm in initiating contact first as you may still be in the phase where you're trying to build upon a habit for frequent communication before she starts contacting you on her own accord.

      Reply
    • Dave

      Thanks for the quick reply... Id like to start talking to her more often than like once a week, sometimes twice but id really like her to initiate more. I guess that comes when you put in the work though... the reason im nervous is because i do feel i was needy especially towards the end of our relationship. Like i said ive been working hard on myself and feel like ive really improved the last few months, i just wanna be able to show her without coming across as needy again.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's why it might be a better idea for you to slowly build the habit up first, so that she's used to the idea of texting you and may begin to initiate on her own accord once she feels more comfortable.

      Reply
  • Carla

    Hi. Is it wrong when I replied my ex's mail 3 days after sent elephant-in-the-room text? I have done the NC and initiated to contact him with elephant~ text via email. His response was good at the moment, he said we can talk again and yesterday I replied yes, but now he still doesn't respond my mail. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No it wasn't wrong, but since he hasn't replied, perhaps give it another week or two to see if he replies before dropping another email, since you don't want to come across as too needy or pushy.

      Reply
    • Carla

      Yes exactly, I don't want to come across as too needy or pushy and okay I did it (to wait before dropping another email). Now it's been a week and he still hasn't replied. What kind of response in email I should use when he replies within two weeks, or, what should I do when he still doesn't reply after two weeks? Honestly I have no idea on how to initiate the contact since I am also busy but a little bit afraid if he is going to forget everything when we no longer have conversations.
      Btw, I am 23 and he has the same age as mine. We dated for almost a year on a long-distance and have not met in person, and then he broke up with me since 3 months ago.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could send an email just to check in with him or talk about a random topic, but keep things on a positive note. If he still does not reply this email, you could either consider waiting another 2-3 weeks or consider moving on because no amount of effort on your part is going to work if he does not even respond to you.

      Reply
    • Carla

      Thanks for the quick reply :) Today we had short-light chats all of sudden and it was positive. He always replied not longer than 1 hour, I kept answer his questions efficiently and I stopped reply his chat when he replied just "ok then". Perhaps after this first conversation I am going to text him again on the next week. Hope this will be going well since I also don't want to rush everything.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear Carla, all the best with you and hope everything works out well.

      Reply
  • Audrey

    Hi Kevin,
    My ex boyfriend and I broke up 3.5 months ago in good terms (2 years relationship). I clearly needed time to work on myself which I did and he knows and saw it.
    Last month he confessed exploring a relationship with a new woman, stating that he feels it is the right thing to do. I started no contact 3 weeks ago. Last week he texted me saying his new relationship is going well, they have a lot in common which he realizes is probably an important thing. He asked me for my relationship status and offered to meet for a quick catch up soon.
    What should I do? Is it a proper time to meet? Do you think there's any hope? Are there subjects we should talk about /avoid?
    Thank you for your help!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how important he is to you. Right now as it's been 3 and a half months ago, he may have started to move on and dating someone new at this stage (not rushing immediately after the breakup) might show that it isn't a rebound relationship. You might want to consider letting go for now if that's the case, especially if things are getting serious for them. You don't want to get in the way of their relationship as it may affect how he views you if things go wrong.

      Reply
  • Edward

    Hi Kevin. I'm stuck on day 4. Not exactly sure what to send her to make her think about it. What would be a quick example to make her think of me? Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always talk about a familiar experience the both of you used to share during the relationship. It could be common interests, for example, if you both play tennis, you could ask her about how her swing is coming along, and that you need to change your strings soon but wasn't too sure which one to get and if she has any recommendations. Something along those lines to get your ex thinking and not just simply replying words to your texts.

      Reply
  • Alyssa

    My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I got clingy and needy for the first week. When it became obvious that I was annoying him, I told him to leave me alone until he knew what he wanted. Three and a half weeks later I emailed him and we talked like we were friends for close to 6 hours. He asked about this rumor that had been spread that I was sleeping with a bunch of people. I told him I had only slept with one person and I haven't talked to them since. He seemed to get mad and told me "If you don't want people knowing maybe you should pick another hole to lay in. Just saying." I didn't respond to him. I then talked to him again 2 days later and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch with the kids and he said he would have if they weren't already eating so I asked for dinner and he said he was going to a tournament so he couldn't. I just told him good luck. I am thinking I should do some more NC for a couple days or a week and text again and only text? I really do miss him, but I am okay with being alone. I've enjoyed the time I've had to myself so far.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, you should wait a couple more days to a week before texting him again since this recent attempt to ask him out was met in a somewhat negative manner, and you don't want to seem too pushy.

      Reply
  • Stephano

    I've been doing no contact for several weeks now and my ex has tried to contact me multiple times during that period of time. The most recent one was her saying that she was really upset that I was ignoring her and that she really missed and wanted us to be able to talk like we did before. I responded by saying sorry, I've just been busy for the past couple of days and I haven't been able to respond. I know I shouldn't get over excited by this, but I just finished no contact today and I'm wondering how I should take talking to her now that I know she really misses me and wants things to be like they were before.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always start with checking in on how she's been lately and if she really misses you, you could even ask her out to catch up sometime soon.

      Reply
    • Stephano

      Yesterday we talked again and she told me that she really missed talking to me again, and this time she also said the thought our past relationship was great and she apologized for messing it up. I just told her that we just weren't ready for a relationship at our state of life because things have been very stressful at school so I told her that after all this, I think that we should just wait for us both to finish school before we try a relationship again and she agreed. Should I consider this as a success? After all, she did agree to try for a relationship again but I'm wondering if it's a little premature to consider it a success yet.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would definitely call it taking the right step forward, and coming across as someone who has matured since the breakup. Build the friendship back up first, and continue to work on improving her level of comfort with you for the time being.

      Reply
  • Jarl

    I have a problem, and that problem is that I'm afraid that my ex won't want to get back with me because she feels that it's what's best for me. During the last month of our relationship I was being very insecure and pathetic, always beating myself up and blaming myself for her problems. Now that I'm doing no contact and I've improved myself, I seem a lot happier. I'm afraid that my ex will see this and think that if we get back together I'll go back to how I was and be sad and insecure again. How can I show her that being with her is actually good for me and that all the changes I've made to myself will not go away after we get back together.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to maintain this change for awhile longer before contacting her again to prove to both her and yourself that these changes are permanent and it represents a new you that wouldn't sway so easily and revert back to the old you.

      Reply
  • David

    Kevin, I recently met a girl online. Our chemistry on the first date was fantastic, but I stupidly missed a lot of signals. We dated for a few more weeks and then she broke it off. I was starting to have feelings for her, so I got a little needy and sent two text messages within two weeks that I’d like to get together. This is all bad form, I suppose. She never replied to the messages.

    No contact is really my only choice now. Her birthday is in three months, and I think that she might appreciate a genuine happy birthday text.

    My questions are if that’s a good idea, and how can I’d know if she blocked my number? She never responded before, so I’ll have no way of knowing if she even knows when I reach out.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's no way to know for sure if she's blocked your number short of calling her and seeing if the call goes through. A birthday text might be appreciated but it depends on how she sees you at this point. If you guys were not officially together, it might be hard to say for certain whether she still has feelings for you or has since moved on.

      Reply
  • Mark

    Hello!

    Im in difficult situation where my wife cheated on me which she did admit and i have evidence to proof her adultery. After that, we decided that our marriage is over. Despite of all, we cant apply for divorce until 2019 due to immigration matters. Until then we need to live in one roof, so I make an arrangement that she dont need to talk about the guy and not to text him when im around. We agreed to live like friends. To be honest I am not sure if I want to take her back, i dont know what to do really. I want to move on but everyday we see each other at home it makes me feel angry and thinking of revenge. Im just trying to hide all this feeling. What should I do for her to feel that she made a terrible mistake and to think of giving our relationship a second chance. I dont text her at all since the incident but we see each other everyday and dont talk to each other sometimes.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on what your plan is - whether you want her back or not, that would determine what you should do. If you don't want her back, then limit the relationship and conversation to that of a housemate and apply no contact otherwise, until you're able to go through with the divorce. In the meantime, you might want to get out of the house for awhile to at least let go of your anger and negative emotions associated to this situation.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin, after broke up and applying no contact to 30 days i spent a happy day with him on his birthday i think you remind this because i was putting a comment to you and you reply nicely after that i was planning a date with him again but I can't because i don't know how can I arrange a second date with him ? during this time and one month later he massaged me like "l didn't found you in social media even phone call and said are you OK " and after I saw his message I was calling him immediately but he said will call you back but he didn't call me .can I call him or what can I do I need your advice kelvin .thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Don't overthink, keep calm and collected even if he did not reply you. It could be that he's busy or it's still too soon for things to progress to that extent. You could drop him a text in a few days if he still has not replied but start with a different topic, and don't harp on the fact that he said he would call but didn't.

      Reply
  • Jacques

    Hello!

    My ex and i were together for around 2 years, im 23 he is now 28. We broke up around 4 months ago. The reason for breakup is he said he feels he can't get enough space with me and i was pushing him to live together because we been together for 2 years. It was a messy breakup, we both broke things and i was crying a lot. Since the breakup i did one month no contact and we continued to text on/off for a while, we agreed to catch up a few times but he always seemed to say things like "sounds good" or something else and never making an offical time or date. Eventually i lost my calm because i felt led on and i text him and he said the reason he never made a time or date was because he felt i still wanted something from him (a relationship). A little while after this(a week maybe) i was mad and i text him telling him i want my jewellery back from his house (this happened around 1 month ago) and he didnt reply so i got mad and i went to his house and demanded he throw it over the balcony, i didn't care, i just wanted my things back. He refused to give it back and he said he would meet me to give it back. He did meet me to give my things back and we had a really long good chat, he didnt seem mad at all and very interested in what i had to say (i wasnt expecting this at all) and he was interested in what i had been up to. After the chat we hugged and i left, i suggested coffee in the next few weeks and he said that would be nice. A few days after meeting i became needy and i messaged him saying it was good to see him and when was he free for that coffee? He replied saying he wants to let things cool down for a while before we start planning to meet up again. I agreed but soon after i messaged him saying i didn't think i could be his friend, it would be tricky what if we are both seeing other people? he said he's not seeing anyone. We organised a hike but then he cancelled. A week later I still felt i couldnt be his friend so eventually i text him saying it was too much and goodbye. (I think this came out of fear because of him putting things off before). So after i said goodbye he didnt reply. I spent some time reflecting and realised i do really love him and want him in my life so i messaged him 1 week later saying i made a mistake and i think i do want him as a friend in my life. He replied straight away saying im glad you messaged, the thought of not having you in my life made me sad. Since sunday we have been texting what i would call really intensely about anything really. i kind of got scared off so i text him a few days ago saying it's a bit much and i need a few days to myself he said of course, thats fine, no need to ask :) 2 days later i text him and we have been texting intensely last night too, he sent me some photos from a previous trip we had and said i've finally got around to editing these for you, here. we cracked a few jokes and then i ended the conversation. Today i messaged him sending a few photos from my trip to the beach today, he said nice! i then said it's really chilled out, i like it here and what u up to today? he didnt reply so a few hours later i said i kind of want to chat but are ya busy? and he said hmmmm thigs are sounding a bit intense again. I probably should keep to myself for a bit. I'm just doing me, ya know? and i said i was just going to say im feeling the same. Let's cool it for a little while. Is that cool? and he replied saying Agreed!

    During the last week i had mentioned that it would be cool to catch up for coffee if he's free? and he did reply saying that would be nice, but lets let things cool over for a few weeks first.

    I'm not sure what to do from here? just continue texting? I feel like it took so long for me to get his guard down and until i said goodbye around a week ago he had his guard up. It definitely feels like he is letting his guard down now by the way he is chatting with me, different language in the texts and stuff. I think also i might need to relax a bit, i might be scaring him off. i'm not really sure if i'm doing something wrong.

    Thank you!!!!!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You have to remember to be calm and keep things casual because you haven't officially gotten back together with him, and shouldn't overstep your boundaries when you feel insecure because it would push him away. For now, you could continue texting him but remember to keep it casual and not get mad or insecure when he doesn't reply or rejects your advances. Take things slow, and focus on building up the bond for the time being. Once he's more comfortable with you again, then you could consider taking it a step further.

      Reply
    • Jacques

      Hey! thank you for your reply. We have continued texting, he is still being much more open and engaging in conversation, asking how my study is going etc. I haven't texted anything too emotional as i don't want to push him away. He always responds relatively quickly to my messages (usually 30 mins to 1 hour) but in saying that i'm still acting pretty casual with the messaging. I asked my ex if he'd like to catch up for lunch this sat/sun but he said he was maybe going away to the coast and maybe another time!. So i replied with exciting! and happy beaching! would sometime next week suit you? and he said I should have time yeah.

      I don't want to overthink it, but i feel this is a positive sign, and especially because he replies quickly where as say last month or before he would take days to reply and was distant.

      My question is if he cancels what should i do?
      If we do catch up, what should my aim be? to get a second "date"? Or just tell him i miss him and see what he says? i don't think it would be effective right now and i might be better to let things happen organically since he is showing signs that he still cares about me. How will i know if he is still interested in me since he is definitely not good at expressing his emotions?

      What kind of things would you recommend for a second "date"

      Thanks so much for your help, i was feeling pretty hopeless until now. (Guess i'm doing something right)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The main mindset to have right now is that he's nothing more than a friend to you, and you're simply building up connection again with him. Have fun, don't take things too seriously, especially if he cancels or responds negatively at any point. Your second date should not have an 'intention' but as mentioned before, to have fun. Perhaps do something exciting you've been meaning to for a while but haven't got a chance, or even do something familiar (a place you both went to before).

      Reply
    • Jacques

      Hey! So just an update. We ended up catching up on Tuesday for lunch. It went really well. We just talked about what’s new in our lives (no mention of the past) and it was really nice. At the end I asked him if he wanted to walk me to my car and he did. We had a long hug and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He actually mentioned catching up with me again soon for ‘snacks’ I think what he meant was hang/chill out. I was really surprised that he mentioned it first. I was about to suggest a day but then I was kind of in a little bit of shock and he cut me off and said soon ok :). So it’s now Thursday and I haven’t text anything. I was thinking to send a message tomorrow(Friday) but I’m not so sure what to say? Thanks for lunch or ask him about the next catchup? I’m not too sure. One thing I noticed is that he kept looking at my right hand during lunch (I used to wear a ring on it all the time when we were together, but now I don’t). It was a bit hard to judge his body language through lunch because of the table but he definitely maintained eye contact and when wapkijg back to the car he said I look great. I think these are good signs but I’m not sure if he’s just being friendly? Hmm. I was thinking we could go and see a French film next week, but would that be too soon?

      Thank you :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think that things are progressing well with you up to this point, and he's responding to you very positively which is a good sign. You could text him as you've mentioned, and perhaps even ask him out for that film since he's already shown interest in meeting you again soon.

      Reply
    • Jacques

      So I got around to sending that text today I said I was having a crappy day and was he free to catch up for a drink this arvo/tonight? He said he’s back to back after work right through the weekend but what’s happening? and I said that’s ok and I suggested catching up Tuesday but he said focus on the weather and doing wholesome things and that he has a big week next week, and I just seen you a few days ago woman! I just responded saying haha yeah it was great to see you, I’ve got a meeting now. Can I call you to go through what’s been happening today? Escalated to a phone call and we spoke for 30 minutes about what had happened, he offered me suggestions and we chatted, he said he was going to a friends birthday tomorrow night and had a family thing Sunday, we continued chatting and then I said I had to go I was going to see a friend and he said ok I’ll see you soon or something along those lines. I asked him if he wants to continue texting and he said yeah. What should I do?

      Thank u

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since his response was positive overall despite not being able to meet you, perhaps you could continue with light conversation through text with him, but don't ask him out again so soon since he rejected you twice in one sitting to meet.

      Reply
    • Jacques

      I said to him that he had caught my eye(to see his response) he freaked out a little and said he’s very attracted to me too but Hes just keeping the balance doing him for now and to cool things down. I have previously told him I need to cool things down too when feeling too strongly towards him so I wasn’t too stressed about him saying that as we both seem to be getting feelings hard then pulling away a bit. Anyway we have continued light text and We have arranged to meet after Easter, he said it sounds great. (To meet after Easter). I have thought of a “date” idea which is sitting by the water with maybe some wine and snacks since he suggested at our lunch date that he wanted to do snacks soon. How far out should I pitch the idea to him? A week? A few days? Easter is this weekend so I was thinking to suggest when suits him but I’m not sure when to send the message or how to word it? Should I also plan to look very attractive? Or just more casual like effortless? Thank you :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your first meetup would set the impression he may have of the new you (after not seeing you for some time), so it's best to set a good one and look attractive but don't go overboard. You could pitch the idea to him a day or two before Easter, provided the meeting is confirmed.

      Reply
    • Jacques

      I pitched the idea to him today to catch up next week via text message and said Easter come quick this year need to do my Easter shopping! :) and he replied within an hour saying maybe. He is really stressed and busy at the moment. And yeah it did hey! Chocolate time! I replied saying be nice to see you but I understand. Play it by ear. What’s got you stressed? Here if you need to chat.

      I didn’t get a reply (don’t think he will) he’s not one to open up about his emotions. I haven’t text since but my friends think I am over thinking it and maybe we will catch up next week. But I’ve taken it quite negative and I’m really confused about it all. When we caught up he was the one who suggested catching up and seeing me soon and then I got a I’m too busy last week so he couldn’t which I understood. But yeah I was going to send him a happy Easter text on Sunday and maybe one next week to see how his week is going and if he has time to catch up. This whole process is very emotionally exhausting. His behaviour is vague and confusing. He has always been vague and a little odd though. I don’t know what he’s thinking. My friends think I’m over thinking it way too much and there is a chance he will say yes to catching up next week.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Trying to get back together with an ex isn't easy, hang in there. Even if he does not say yes to meeting up because he's busy, don't take it too personally or to heart. Simply take it within your stride, and slowly aim to rebuild a connection bit by bit. As long as you know you've tried your best, you'll at least be able to carry forward with no regrets.

      Reply
  • Felicia Morris

    I meet this guy off a dating site, keep in mind I divorced my ex husband and been single for 5 years but of course was seeing guys just never felt I could settle with any of them so I put up a wall and played there game till I meet this one guy beginning of dec, everything was great but he said he loved me and we started relationship very soon I think it was too soon but I felt so complete with him so I went with it...He went to my family holiday gatherings which I never let any guy before (besides my ex husband), we all planned a family Vacation also but I was seeing alot of red flags and I was pulling away,quentioned him and his texts and calls became very distant he then was thinking I was cheating but then he broke up with me and some how manipulated me cause he is on my mind constantly and I don't ever let a guy make me feel this way but this one is obviously very different which makes this so difficult. Our relationship was very short,but why do I feel this way? I want him back AND Im trying not to bug him, but I definitely got needy after the break up and said a few things but I also gave him space..so it's been about 2 week's since I messages him last(I said about coming over which he said he could but nothing else after...)we broke up end of jan..haven't seen each other since mid jan... Now what? I can't stop obsessing about him I want to see him so bad and not sure if he even misses me but definitely doesn't feel he cares anymore!!! What do I do please kindly help me an tell me what I should do to fix our relationship or myself..I can't move on with anyone else till I get closure I guess.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Sometimes it's the short, intense relationships that give us the false illusion of having a deeper impact compared to the longer, more stable ones. The speed that everything happens at amplifies your feelings towards the person, making you feel this way right now. I suggest giving it another 2 weeks of space before contacting him once more and trying to get your answers from there - whether he misses you or cares. Regardless, this should be taken as either a second chance at the relationship (if he responds positively) or closure (if he doesn't), since the relationship was not a very long one.

      Reply
  • Angie

    Hi Kevin

    My ex and i broke up January last year, we were together 13 years. We both live in the same suburb, frequent the same social circle, we both sail. It's a small village type place we live in. He really hurt me, however i still love him. Last year when we separated we still did things together. I still sailed with him. We'd meet up at the pub, we'd still socialise and meet up during the week. We spent christmas together. However in between all of that, he was enjoying his "single" life. So i did the stalking, i'd show up at his house unannounced to see who he invited over, we'd end up in arguments. He was enjoying the best of both worlds. Keeping me close as his comfort, going out partying and had female company. We'd then fight alot about it. As he would say, well i'm single i can!I guess he had a point. I'd say fine, but stop giving me the wrong messages and stop only contacting me when it suited him!

    So i've done all the bad things. Got needy, stalked, begged, mean text messages telling him that he's a bad person etc. He told me to leave him alone and wished me well.

    Finally i decided that i'd do the NO CONTACT. I stopped going to our social hangouts, or i'd make sure he wasn't going to be there that afternoon. Mutual friends would let me know. They do tell me what he's up too. I sometimes don't like what i hear.

    I sent him a message after 30 days saying, Hey good to see the Rabbits are winning the game! He came back straight away saying he missed the start and then finished it by saying that he thought my new FB profile was really lovely. (He unfriended me on Facebook a month ago), so i guess he's FB stalking sometimes. Although we have alot of mutual friends online, he can see what i'm up too. And then i hadn't heard from him!!

    I can't help myself though sometimes and i messenger stalk to see if he's online. I did that the other night and i accidently pressed the Thumbs Up icon! I nearly died! And fair enough, he replied with Hello. I came back and said sorry i was expecting you would reply. He said he didn't understand and said good night. I then just said, it was an accident ok.

    So ugggg, what do i do with that! One, i know stop looking at messenger, however i feel now he's thinking about me, she's looking at me online! Do i need to NC again for a couple of weeks?

    Also, since NC, i've gone back to the gym and lost about 7 kilos so far so i'm looking pretty good. Is it bad to say do a walkthrough at one of our social venues just so he can how good i'm looking? He is a visual person, so just thought if he saw how hot i'm looking it might trigger something as well?

    We have a yacht race on in 2 weeks, so he will see me then. Or should i just wait until then?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you've completed NC, it's safe to show the results off either by visiting the social venues you used to frequent, or even through social media. Showing your changes off is crucial in getting your ex to start thinking of you again, and even miss you or regret breaking up after he realizes what he let slip by ending things.

      Reply
  • Stranger

    I was following no contact rule but after 21 days my ex texted me to thank for the gift i send to her before break up. And replied soon with some emotions in reply.. She texted back and again i texted back but after that she didn't replied. After 2 days i texted her back some funny message but i think i ruined it. And again at last i texted her saying that 'i really appreciate what you have done for me i want to thank you in a person' she replied after 12 hours saying ' what i' ve done for you? ' it's been 12 hours i haven't replied back what should i do. My emotions are still over me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete the message you were intending to send, then apply no contact again for another week or two to gather your emotions and composure. Follow the guidelines and steps we've listed here, and you should be fine.

      Reply
  • SV

    Hey guys,

    A little background, after 1.5 years my ex broke up with me. Things went pretty bad the last two months and he said he dont see it going anywhere. We were in ldr and we commute between continents. So our last days I went to him, and he was insanely angry over everything.

    Main anger was my ex before him and the rest are build ups i guess.

    He said he still wants to talk to me but he needs time, I took the opportunity to do NC, and was working on myself. I was pretty suprised with myself, I mean I grieve but it wasnt as bad as breakups before, I guess I really love him and I want to be a better version of myself.

    Slightly more than a month I remember contemplating on breaking the NC but was bit nervous about what to say – till I accidentally slipped and sent him a cow emoji (also a inside joke about how Im always hungry) and he surprisingly replies. Since then I decided to build rapport via text – except he takes forever to reply, but he still replies.

    I guess untill last week (its been almost 3 months since the breakup now) where I wasnt sure if he was going to reply or not. His pace are a couple of days. I read somewhere that he’s probably on reactance and its probably best to address the elephant in the room. So i sent him a text saying i understand why he left, that im sorry, my healing process and im not pressuring him to do anything. He replies almost immidiately saying he’s still furious and he underestimated himself, and he is furious of the idea of talking to me and he thinks itll take a long time.

    Does this fall into the anger category that he cares too much hence he’s furious? Do I still have a chance? Any advice on where to go from here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, often times anger is a sign of feelings/passion that are just expressed in another way because of the situation. If he didn't care and has moved on, he wouldn't be feeling angry anymore but nonchalant about everything. Since he feels angry still, perhaps you might want to consider giving him even more time to let go of the past, before trying again. In the meantime since you've already established some form of rapport with him, you could continue the conversation but do so casually and be mentally prepared to restart NC again if he responds negatively at any point.

      Reply
    • SV

      Thanks for the reply Ryan!

      Is it considered rapport despite him taking a few days up to a week to reply a text? Any tips on how to overcome his reactance if we are in different continents?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I always like to think that a slow reply is better than no reply at all. As long as he's responding positively, it's still considered building rapport (although it may be slow). If you are on different continents and it becomes hard to meet, your exchange of text messages could include an interest in what he's up to on his side of the country, and generally keeping the topics vibrant. You could even throw in a little flirting if things are going positively to further peak his interests and attention.

      Reply
  • Amie

    I have a few questions regarding the texting after no contact.
    Here’s my situation: Ex and I broke up, and then tried to be friends right after. That ended up being too much for both of us at the moment, so we ended the friendship. We both need some space.

    I talked to a friend about my situation, and she suggested a memory text to start off. I agree with her, because I’m afraid starting off with the elephant in the room text might be too much at once. I don’t want my ex to think I have any ulterior motives, which I don’t. I just want us to work on being friends again and seeing where it goes.

    As far as the elephant in the room text, is it better to keep it short and to the point? I have it written out, and it’s fairly long. Also, if she asks me why I’m texting her, should I just go ahead with the elephant in the room text?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could do the memory text first, that works in line with our steps of texting your ex something like 'I walked past this cute cafe we went to once and it reminded me of you, etc, etc' and depending on how he responds to you, you could continue with the elephant in the room further down if things are slightly more comfortable.

      Reply
  • Josh

    Me and my girlfriend had an on and off again relationship for about a year and a half, but were very consistent the last 9 months of our relationship. We started going to different schools in different states and she broke up with me becuase the long distance was too hard. After about 3 weeks of being broken up i told her I was willing to transfer schools of it meant we could be together and she said no and said it was because of some differences that we had that during the relationship didnt bother her but being out of the relationship she learned that they did bother her. Things like political views and old habbits. I came up with a plan to change alot of those habbits and presented it to her with some change but she said no again. I started no contact for about 2 1/2 months trying to move on and nothing has worked and still feel that confidence and longing to want to be with this person. I just recently contacted her again and was able to call and we talked for about 10 minutes just catching up until she had to go. What are my nexts steps here since it is still long distance and the next time we would be able to see each other is summer?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For the time until the summer, you should slowly rebuild the bond and connection you once shared with her, but starting off as friends first. Get her to see the changes you've made and let her feel more comfortable being close to you again.

      Reply
  • Sam

    So I used NC for 5 months, this was following 6 a months messy breakup. I am now texting my ex, initially very warm and as if nothing had happened. I didn't stop short as I should have done in the template. We are now almost 2 weeks in. She has reached out once to wish me for my birthday, I have 3 times. Where do I go from here? Message again or wait for her to message first? The texts are getting shorter but positive none the less, they're very casual funny jokey type messages.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could continue to talk to her and try conversational topics that require an exchange from both parties. If she still finds a way to cut things short, perhaps you might want to consider giving her more space under normal circumstances. However because you actually went on NC for 5 months following a 6 month relationship (I am not clear if it was a 6-month long breakup or 6-month relationship), there's a possibility she may have lost feelings for you already, in which case you'll you have to build it back up.

      Reply
    • Sam

      Thanks for the reply. It was a 6 month relationship and the breakup was just as long. I asked her to call me as I wanted her advise and she did. After some initial awkwardness we ended up having a 90 min pleasant conversation. I ended it on the pretext it was getting late. Strategy wise what would be the next step, timescales etc? Having such a long first conversation is that a bullet in the foot? We had been texting back and forth a little the previous few weeks.

      Reply
    • Stacey

      My ex began no contact with me.Should I break it after the thirty days or wait until he does? He was very angry after our break up and blocked me on Facebook and whatsapp. It is also a ldr as we live in different countries.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on where you stand on the relationship and break up, as well as whether you think he's keen to get back together with you. By initiating contact first, you may put yourself in a disadvantage because he has control over the situation and whether to ignore you or continue the conversation. I would suggest waiting for him to initiate contact if you're certain that he's going through no contact right now.

      Reply
  • Oli

    Hey guys, my ex broke up with me a bit over a month ago, I did 30 days of no contact (Plus a bit more), I then texted my ex is a positive way, not mentioning the past relationship. She replied the next morning also acting in a nice positive way but not really trying to continue the conversation. I replied anyway later that day, again just being positive and I have not heard anything from her in 5 days. What should I do? the thing that confuses me the most is that I have a chat group with my family that she still hasn't left and she still reads the messages but says nothing.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could continue with NC in the meantime, because based on how it looks, she may still have feelings for you but simply isn't ready to get back together or start a close friendship so soon.

      Reply
    • Oli

      Hi Ryan, thanks for the quick response! Having only just read this it is now 9 days with no response, should I wait a bit longer and then contact her again or should I wait and see if she contacts me? Thanks again :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could consider completing another 2 weeks of NC first before trying to initiate further contact with her. If she still responds negatively, you might have to prolong it further, or even consider walking away if it's going to take too long and you aren't able to wait.

      Reply
  • Ramirez

    Is flirting during the reconnect/friendship phase something i should do? Or should i avoid it?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's something you should consider if the opportunity presents itself. Keep it natural and not too obvious or it might cause her to raise her defenses especially if she isn't ready to get back together yet.

      Reply
  • David

    Hey Kevin,

    So I was recently broken up with 2 weeks ago, she said she felt like she needed to learn how to be independent and focus on herself. Resulting in her moving out, she say she misses me but has no intention of getting back together right now, maybe down the road. Weridest thing is I can text her and it can be fairly fast responses but she refuses to talk to me on the phone or meet me in person. I'm not sure what to do at this point, its obvious she cares for me but maybe she genuinely does just need time to figure herself out.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's always easier to distance yourself from the situation when you're texting, instead of talking over the phone or in person, hence her actions. As you've pointed out, the best thing right now you can do without pushing her away is to give her the space and time to figure things out by herself. You could continue to text her to build a bond up, but it isn't recommended because that interferes with her process which she may eventually start getting irritated with you. Also, by continuing to text her, you may feel upset or get angry because things don't turn out the way you want them to, which will push her further away.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin ,i saw your reply but what kind of things
    can I use to make my exboyfriend fall in love once
    again and also arrange second date please give
    me a direction or way to how ?thank you .

    Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin ,i saw your reply but what kind of things can I use to make my exboyfriend fall in love once again and also arrange second date please give me a direction or way to how ?thank you .

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue to take things calm and casually, and as far as making him fall in love with you again, that's something we won't be able to tell you specifically but rather by being yourself. Remember that you were once a couple and at one point he did fall in love with you. You'll have to think back to how it happened and whether you're able to re-create the spark once more.

      Reply
  • Truelove

    Hey Kevin, I wrote that “ i”ve have a new lease of my life” she is asking. What does that mean?. She wrote twice now in last two days and I did not answer. What should I answer?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on what you meant by that. You could just be yourself and answer in context to the conversation - a new view of life and you feel that you've changed since.

      Reply
  • Lucas

    I did NC for a month and my ex reached out to me on two different social media platforms. On one she accused me of blocking her because i had “found someone and didnt want her to see” when i post pics of me and this “new” girl together. On the other she told me she missed me. I ignored the messages as there was one week left of NC, and after NC i sent the elephant in the room text and immediately got a positive response i guess not sure if its positive however. She said she missed talking to me and that i was her best friend. We dated for about 5 years. I tried to keep the conversation light but she quickly asked if we can be friends and idk if i messed up but i said sure. After that she bombarded me with a lot of stuff that she has been up to. It’s really hard not to feel like im just in the friendzone. What do i do with this??!! Please help!!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do understand that starting off as friends is only natural on re-contact. You will have to build up the bond and chemistry again if you want a relationship with her again in the future. Her response to you was at least positive, which is already a good start under these circumstances. Be there as a friend for now, and work your way towards something more slowly.

      Reply
    • Lucas

      Should i still try to keep conversations short and avoid texting her on certain days like one of the templates you have on here? She already suggested we hang out some time to a movie or something. She didnt set a date nor did i but she suggested it. It’s just really difficult to not feel like she’s friendzoning me, you know? She suggested hanging out literally the same day i sent the elephant in the room text. I actually didn’t even expect a reply! I was just gonna wait another week to try to reach out but she said she missed me soooo much and that i was her best friend and asked if we could be friends.

      Reply
  • Issac

    I was in a relationship with my ex for about 9 months before she broke up with me. I did no contact for about 1 month (during which she tried to text me a few times which I replied to but ended the conversation as quickly as I could) and after we started texting again the first 2 weeks or so we would actually have some good conversations but now this past week it feels like every time I try to text her she always replies with things that end the conversation and make it very hard to keep it going. I do not know if she is purposely trying to end the conversation or is just saying less which gives me less to work with.
    Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Could it be possible that she's currently busy or distracted with something else or even possibly upset with you? If that isn't the case, you might have to consider if she is interested in someone else that she did not express to you, or has moved on already.

      Reply
  • Tessa

    Hey Kevin! I really need ur help.

    My ex and I broke up around 3 months ago. I did no contact for the first month and then we started texting, texting was fine and he agreed he’d like to catch up but kept putting it off or not making an offical date/time. Around 2 weeks ago I did something bad where I text him a big message saying I want to know what’s going on before I start my study because it’s not good for my headspace and why he keeps leading me on and not actually making a date and time to catch up and that’s it’s preventing me from moving on and maybe we should stop contact all together. He replied saying he kept putting it off because he sensed I wanted a relationship and that he’s not interested in a relationship and is happy to catch up down the line. After this I begged for sex and then he kept saying it’s not good for me long term. After this I got mad because he didn’t reply to me so I went to his house to get my stuff he had but he wouldn’t come outside and said he’d catch up with me another day to give it to me. I also told him I was moving and that I had a boyfriend (which is all lies, I wanted to hurt him). We are meeting up on Tuesday at the dog park and I don’t know what to do, I have just gone away for the weekend to see if I truly care about him and want him in my life and I realised I do. I’ve acted out of character and I’m embarrassed, I apologised to him and he agreed to meet up at the dog park. Since I am away I sent him some photos of my hotel saying it’s amazing I never want to leave and he replied with a smiley face only. I asked if he is having a good Saturday and he replied with yes, nice and quiet. It’s raining here. I then sent a photo of an artwork saying glad ur enjoying yourself. Check out this, what do you think? But he didn’t reply.

    My questions are, do I have a chance?
    How can I build emotional connection with him?
    How can I correct my lies about moving and new partner?
    What do I do Kevin, please help. I was doing so well until a few weeks ago when everything became real.

    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You may have a chance still, but probably only in the future. It depends on the context of the breakup as well as the relationship itself, to determine if your ex has moved on already or not. However, all things considered, it would still be a good idea to come clean when you meet him about your new partner and just apologize. If you're still very affected by things, continue with no contact after this meet up and focus on changing the irrational or impulsive side. If he sensed that you wanted a relationship now, it may still be too soon to build an emotional connection with him because his guard is up.

      Reply
    • Tessa

      Thank u for your reply.

      I am 23 and he is 28. We were together a bit over two years, up and down. He left me once before about a year ago and I applied your no contact rule and it worked like a treat, he basically cried when we met up and told me how much he missed me. Everything was ok up until we went on a two week holiday with his dad, the holiday was fantastic. We seemed to both enjoy, and I met a lot of his parents friends and colleagues. His parents really like me.

      Prior to the trip I had mentioned to him I felt he should maybe start getting his life in shape as he’s getting to 28 and doesn’t have a stable job only contract work. I mentioned this to him because Im in a position of trust and care and he didn’t say too much and we seemed to move past it (no argument). I thought I may have upset him so didn’t mention it again. Around 3 weeks later when we were on our holiday he come to me and said I’m gonna go back to uni so I can get a better job and looked really happy. I was really happy and encouraged this as I want what’s best for him.

      Later during the holiday I became insecure and I said if ur going back to uni how will u have enough time to spend with me and also I want to live together, we been together for two years now, it would make everything a lot easier for both of us. He said if anything he’d have more time for me and too relax. Anyway the trip went on, was good. No more mention. Anyway when we got back to our town it was a different story he started to act weird sayin he needed his space and he began to cause an argument about nothing and made me cry. He screamed at me that he needs his space. Things were a bit on/off for next two weeks. He lied to me about going out with his friends when he said he was at home reading, I called to ask about his mums birthday for the next day to organise and I heard him out parting so I got mad and called him 13 times after this we had a good weekend and I thought we fixed it but we didn’t. I dropped him at his parents house and I told him if he didn’t get it together I was leaving him, if our relationship wasn’t moving forward and he didn’t start treating me better I was leaving. He became distant again and I went to see him at his house and he broke up with me which i didn’t act well too and broke a few things and started crying a lot. Like I said this was over three months ago. I did no contact for a month and then yeah he said he wanted to catch up many times but didn’t make an offical date/time and because I felt led on I eventually got very mad and end up at his house wanting my jewellery back. Until 1 week ago we did meet up and I didn’t act needy or desperate at all. I was proud.

      We met at the dog park and he gave my jewellery back, we chatted for about an hour, hour and a half. Just about life and what’s been happening with each other. It was a really peaceful and relaxed conversation. I apologised for my behaviour about going to his house unannounced and he just laughed it off saying ‘nothing like a mid week house invasion, don’t worry about it, I understand’. I also told him that I lied about having a new partner to hurt him and he looked relieved. Also during the chat we were talking about his friend (who I know) he mentioned his friend was on tinder and I mentioned something along the lines of oh haha are you on it? He said no, no way, I’m not interested in any of that at all. And shook his head. During the meet up his body language was open and directed towards me and there was a fair amount of eye contact (when I could). I mentioned that I was going to study law this month and he was joking about a tv show we used to watch together saying “oh been watching the good wife again”. I also mentioned to him I got a job offer in another city as a law receptionist but unsure if I will take it, he said it’s important to live in other cities at this age but to keep him updated. He asked how soon I’d go if I took it and I said well probably sooner rather than later but not too sure yet. There were a few other inside jokes he mentioned, like sayings we used to say together. Anyway, toward the end I said I had to go and I said I’d like to focus on settling into study for the next few weeks but would he be open to catching up for coffee after that, he said yeah and we hugged twice. After the meet up I sent a text saying nice to see you, you seem in a good place. He said yeah walking along, but getting there. Nice to see you too tessa bananana. Later that evening I said you should check out black mirror on Netflix! And he didn’t reply. Two days later I couldn’t help myself because I honestly thought the meetup would be bad considering I pretty much abused him 1 week prior and I text him saying mmm it was good to see you when are you free for that coffee? He then replied saying Tessa I’m happy to keep catching up and what not but I need you to relax on the texting, my best friends don’t even text me this much and I really just want to chill before we make any more plans for catching up. I then replied saying sorry it feels like I’ve lost a best friend, I understand. What about if we go for a hike in a few weeks, it’d be fun :)! He replied saying see how we go, but sounds fun :). And I haven’t text back.

      To be honest with you seeing him was amazing, it was like sitting there talking to my soul mate so yes it was hard not to try and text him like crazy but I didn’t. For my own sanity and mental health I have started to see a new guy just casually(not sexually) and I also have deleted all old messages from my ex and changed his name to do not push him away.

      My plan was to not text him seen as he said he didn’t want to text all the time but is happy to catch up. and let him initiate on a meet up. I feel at this point all I can do is be hopeful that he will miss me and want to catch up but I don’t want to wait forever Kevin and I’m not sure what to do from here on out. I’m not dating a new man because I’m over him, I’m dating a new man because I want to keep busy and have fun, distance myself emotionally and focus on my study and self.

      Sorry for long reply I wanted to explain things in full.
      What would you recommend I do?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think you've done extremely well thus far, and you've been extremely mature in your actions despite certain setbacks. What I could suggest is that you continue with what you've been doing so far, and to check in on him every now and then as a friend. Keep things casual and try to slowly re-start a friendship once more. Build your way up from there, but do remember that these things take time and a lot of patience. You've got to remember the end goal whenever things get tough, and do your best not to let your emotions or instincts run the show.

      Reply
    • Tessa

      Hey!!

      Just an update after a few weeks I cut off communication with him and did no contact for 1 week, I felt I didn’t know if I wanted to be his friend. After 1 week I sent him a message saying I just went for a jog and wanted to send you a message, I made a mistake and I do want to keep you as a friend in my life. He replied quickly saying he’s glad I messaged him, because the thought of not hearing from me again made him sad. We continued chatting for the last few days (he seems to have let his guard down a bit more now). I asked him about a question from my university paper and he even went to the effort of asking his mum for the answer as she is already a lawyer. We have still been texting everyday since Sunday, which is only a few days but I feel like my feelings have come back strong now and I don’t want to scare him away. Should I tell him how I feel? I also suggested we catch up for coffee on Monday when he is free and he said yeah that would be nice, but how about we let things cool over for a few weeks first? I said ok and we continued to chat. I’m not sure what to do, I feel worried someone else will interest him since we broke up in November, but we were together about 2 years.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should continue to maintain this level of friendship with him for the time being, and not overextend your feelings to him until you at least meet him, and get a gauge of how he feels towards you based on his body language and tone. You can make a decision again from there, whether to express your feelings to him.

      Reply
  • Pippa

    I’ve been seeing a guy for over a year. We never made our relationship official because although he said and acted like he was crazy about me, he was worried he would mess up if we were in a relationship and he’d lose me forever. He suffers with anxiety and has cheated on a previous girlfriend, he never wants to do that again but it’s now become a fear that he’s capable of it. He freaked out this week because I asked him to do something which he thought was v couply and said he wanted to do it but was worried about all the above, the conversation spiralled as I got upset that it was never going to go anywhere and he convinced himself he’s not good enough for me and we should just be friends so he can’t hurt me and I told him we can’t just be friends.
    I’ve given him a break for 2 days so far and haven’t heard anything. I wasn’t sure whether to keep going no contact or try and talk this out because it was left so confusing.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      An emotional issue like this can't exactly be talked out, and it's something that he has to work out on his own. You could always try to support him and facilitate a mindset change in his anxiety and thoughts towards cheating on his partner or not being good enough, but you have to be prepared to go through a lot of difficulties and be extremely patient as the starting part won't be easy.

      Reply
  • Jack

    Hi kevin, Im finishing No contact but i know Ill have to send and elephant in the room text. She said she just didint feel it in the relationship anymore and thats why she broke up with me. I feel like i pushed her too quickly and tried to get serious too fast. I do love her and only want to make her happy but i really messed it up. I tried talking to her casually for a week after we broke up and she was responding to me but only short awnsers. I tried to meet up with her and kept saying i wanted to be friends. At first she seemed nuetral to the idea but i really wanted to see her so i kept texting her a few times a day. Eventually she got mad after about a week and blew up at me telling me to leave her alone. When we were talking she causually mentioned getting me my stuff from her place one day and i said id find a time but it never came up again. When i semd the elephant in the room text should i memtion getting my stuff as a pretext to texting her again? Or should i wait and not mention it for a while? I know i came off needy before and if i dont say that right away im worried she'll see my trying to talk to her as friends again as just a way to try to change her mind. Please tell me what i should do to get civil conversation going again. We were only together 2.5 months but i do truely love her and want her to be happy.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you really want to be together with her again, you'll have to control your emotions and not come across as being needy or desperate. Take things slow, and you could start the elephant in the room text with the mention of getting your stuff back. However, you should be prepared to actually do so because chasing her again should be something done from the beginning (as if you were chasing her for the first time), and not a continuation of the previous relationship. So it might be good to clear all previous baggage before starting on a fresh page.

      Reply
  • Manish

    Hi Kevin, My gf broke up with me after a 7 years long relationship. She told me I was the negative person in her life but I was not negative. I am feeling like I am stabbed to death. All of a sudden she came up with an issue and broke me down. Now she told she has moved on.i messaged her and told her to change decision. It's been 3 days we broke up.dont know if she will be back or not.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You may not see the negativity, but she may have felt it. It's better at this point to apply No Contact first, before trying anything again. You should also figure out what were the issues specifically she felt about you, that made her think of you as a negative person, and work on these issues. If it turns out that it really was an excuse to leave you for something else, depending on what it is, you might have to consider moving on.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hello kelvin based on your reply I dated him to launch on his birthday and surprise him with gifts .He was so surprised and happy but kelvin i didn't found neediness on his face to continue our relationship like before, so what can I do next to increase the bond with exboyfriend and get him back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should not expect him to instantly want a relationship again with you, but it's something you'll have to build up. Treat it as if it was your first time dating him, and do the things you would to make him fall in love once more.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin, based on your reply I dated him to launch on his birthday and i surprise him with gifts and he was very happy and he text me like "thanks " but on his face i didn't found neediness like before we had in a relationship and why? kelvin and what can i do next to increase the bond with my ex boyfriend

    Reply
  • James

    Hey, so I been dating my ex for s little over 2 years. (A little over 2 months separated now.) I did the whole NC thing for a month with her reaching out on several occasions, everything went well and I completed it with no problems.It worked on my behalf and seemed to work for her. Now rebuilding the trust and chemistry is something I'm working on doing at the moment. For the first 3 weeks after NC she did all the calling and texting, once in a while I'll text her a memory or good morning but always keep an upbeat personality and the messages very light. She's invited me over plenty of times n we have had sexual bonding for the time being on the weekends(which is when I usually seen her most of the time anyways.) some days in those three weeks she would tell me she misses me or wants me around but is very choosy with her words. She will throw around the word friendship when we have certain conversations (not necessarily about moving forward) while I would reply with friend don't don't have sex.(nor hold hands or do other things normal relationship people do that we do now.) she does tell me a part of her wants to get back, and she tells me she loves me. she will drop hints around Valentine's Day to take her out to a concert which I don't think I'm going to do, Only because it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. But anyways, this week has been different, I stood over Sunday night til Monday n she hasn't initiated contact since. So as of right now I'm confused. Where should I go from here to try and work on having this go back to a relationship level?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the emotional connection is there, you could always continue building up the bond with her romantically, as if you were chasing her for the first time. You could also consider making your intentions clear. However, her not contacting you at all could mean she's either busy or something happened that made her less interested in you.

      Reply
  • Christianah

    I broke up with my boyfriend about 3weeks ago and he called 2days ago to check up on me. can I text him nw and what do I say?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes you could, and if you still have feelings for him, you could always continue the conversation in a casual manner first, to see where his stand on things are.

      Reply
  • Viviana

    Hi! I am working on the plan. I normally start the conversation but I’m not asking questions, just to say hi (when we were dating, daily I used to send a good morning or good afternoon message so I am working on that. He is responding to those messages but he is not creating a conversation, maybe because I’m not asking a question per se. Now, last time I sent a message and we chat a little and stopped. I’m not forcing any chat since I just greet and he responds naturally and even enthusiastic. The last message I sent was also saying hi and I added just a FYI message I would be around his city and it would be nice to greet. So far he has not seen the message. Wondering how this one goes and what happens if he says no!? Should I keep trying? Thanks a lot

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you are going to be around his city soon and he says no, do not force it but simply maintain a casual friendship with him first. People often make the mistake of rushing into things and risk pushing their ex further away just because the opportunity was present, but their ex didn't follow through with the person's hopeful expectations.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin, after no contact and 23 days later I got a positive reply from him and i texted him again like "happy
    Christmas" no respond and after a days again I messaged to him and after three days he call me and he said he disappointed about a message that I texted him on Christmas day he said the message is very short and he said why i didn't call him on that day and i said you refuse my calls that why am not calling you. kelvin his birthday day is after 10 days and what shall I do kelvin

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since he was disappointed that you didn't call, perhaps you could plan for something special for his birthday, and surprise him with it.

      Reply
  • Marko Hutchinson

    Hi, My ex girlfriend split up with me and I did the crap chasing thing until I saw sense. Anyway I did not follow NC and we have been texting a couple of weeks. I am finding it confusing as I can have a flurry of texts from her and then nothing. She was texting me in the morning and at night. If I act lighthearted then she will discuss the relationship, but if I then comment on it she ignores what I say. I do not seem to be able to progress to calls or meet ups and it remains solely at text level (she said she needed to think about things that was 2 weeks ago). Came to a head last couple of days. On Mon I had lots of texts and it was fun and I thought we had made a breakthrough. Yesterday hardly a word and today nothing either. My question is should I just go NC as I missed this stage? I always thought NC was to help move on and help with initiating future contact and given I have contact of sorts I wasn't sure. It's all become confusing with mixed messages day by day.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's easy to have contact with your ex even after breaking up, but the whole point of NC, especially if you want her back, isn't to help move on but rather to help pick you up from the breakup. Future contact also means giving both parties space and time to progress with their lives, and to let go of the impression or thoughts we have about the other person. If she broke up with you, it means either something was wrong or there was something she didn't like about you, in which case remaining in constant contact with her immediately after the breakup isn't going to help her see you in new light.

      Reply
  • Jaxx

    So I messaged my ex after 4 months of no contact, got a reply to my 3rd message and spaced them out by approx 7 days. Last message I sent was 'I saw this and it reminded me of you but the breakup was for the best, we had too many issues. She replied saying she was wandering if to reply, but succumbed and agreed with us having too many issues and wished me the best. I acknowledged we both made mistakes and wished her well.

    Question is where do I go next with this? The last exchange was 5 days ago, and today I sent a non confrontational funny dog video.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Take it a step at a time forward, and continue off with lighthearted topics to build the friendship up first in the meantime. Whatever happened was in the past, and some time has already progressed since then, meaning both parties may not hold as many negative memories of the previous relationship.

      Reply
  • Bosco Alex

    Hey, I broke up with my ex girl friend whom we have been to gether for 2.5months when she started expressing signs of being disinterested in the relationship , started distancing her self, and feeling less appreciative of the little things I was doing for her, when I noticed this I decided at least not to pick her call on evening and see whether she would reach my place for stalk since its just two minutes walkable distance to my apartment but she did not come and since then she has never contact me for now nearly 3week I tried to contact her in the 2week but she ignored my call I decided to not contact her again but am confused coz I love her so much and I wish we can get together again but am worried may be she might have moved on , what can I do please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she had expressed signs of disinterest in the relationship, you should ask yourself why she felt that way. It may have been something you failed to do, that resulted in her losing interest. As you guys have only been together for 2 and a half months, you should be mentally prepared that there is a likelihood that she has moved on, depending on how meaningful the 2 months were. You could try once more to contact her if you really want her back, but only do so after some time has passed. At least give her the space to let go of any emotional baggage that prevents her from remaining friends with you.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin after 23 days I got a positive reply from him and i texted him again like " happy Christmas " but no respond and what can I do next phone calls or what by the way his birthday is after 15 days i need your help now also thank you.

    Reply
  • Abby

    I was dating this guy for a few months, and suddenly he dropped off in contact. I a week into that texted him calling him out on "ghosting" me, and told him he didn't need to respond if I was understanding correctly. Now months later I am still thinking about him, wondering if I misunderstood, but also wanting to get back together with him because he made me very happy. My question is: if I text him, should I do an elephant in the room text? Or go to casual? I don't know why he just dropped off, but is it worth doing an elephant in the room text saying that I may have misunderstood or jumped to conclusions? Thanks for any advise!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I understand that closure is important but sometimes, you may not actually like the answer you find. If you really want to text him, my suggestion would be to go casual because you don't know what he ghosted on you.

      Reply
  • sm2018

    Hello, thank you for the information it is so good. I am in day 3 of following the texting guide and my ex has just texted me good morning. Do I stick to the 10 day plan? I have to add we did break up because he lied to me and he was kind of scared of long term commitement.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Stick to the plan but proceed with caution just in case his fear of commitment comes out once again.

      Reply
    • sm2018

      Thank you Kevin, i did atick to the plan, it's going well, on the weekend he asked me out on a date, we had to postpone since he had to work. Yesturday he said he'll make time this week. He is sweet and seems changed. Last night he texted me ,,I want to tell you something, I am afraid you will not believe me" I asked what it was....nothing. 24 hours and no answer. What do I do now? Thank you so much for your guidance thru this journey.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could wait for his reply a little longer, and if by tomorrow he still hasn't replied, you could jokingly text him saying that you're still waiting for his reply.

      Reply
    • sm2018

      Thank you.He did reply, I guess I am just scared since we had a lot of ups and downs( a lot of downs) over the years. I will try to go just with it and see if things work out with us.

      Reply
  • kay

    Hi there,
    My ex of 9 years broke up with me 6 months ago where he was cold and ignored me for quite a while. We also have 2 young children together. I had very bad depression years back and I was such a horrible person and lashed out a lot with him. I had qualities that were not good but have been prioritising in making myself into a better person...I'm also in such a better place with my depression.
    I have found out over the last4months about my ex's depression which I thought was under control but had actually spiralled out of control.
    He stays over a lot as we have a baby and he helps out a lot which I appreciate a lot. We actually get on great...he does a lot for me...but when the relationship got brought up a few days ago he got really angry and said his feelings are dead an buried...that he tried to get them back but it's impossible...that I'm beautiful and sweet and I'll find someone else... That I treated him like shit and was manipulative and controlling...and that he never wants to feel like that again. He also said his depression made him feel numb and dead inside and that he has no feelings. His actions say different to what he said to me. I recognise th negative qualities I had ... Not using it as an excuse but depression really damaged Me at time. I look back to how I was in that state and I'm ashamed at some of my actions.
    Im confused on what to do..mm I'm continuously bettering myself...Im on top of my depression and am getting help still. I dont know whether his depression has aided in his loss of feelings to me also.
    What wouls recommend me to do? I feel that we will never get back together and am at a point where I feel it's futile to try. Any help will be appreciated.
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If both parties have depression, it would be better to focus on facilitation in recovery of it separately right now cos neither of you are in the capacity to support the other person. At least try to get your condition to a more manageable level. But you do need to let him know that he needs to seek help, and shouldn't just continue with his day to day letting the depression affect him but not doing anything about it.

      Reply
  • ***Anonymous***

    Hey
    Ok so my boyfriend and I were together for 1.5months then suddenly he asked for a break without telling me the reason tho. And later my friend noticed and asked him and he told her that I was giving him attitudes. She told me and so I asked to talk to him and I asked him personally the reason for the break and he was like at first everything was going well until I started to give him attitudes, and that whenever we were together I wasn't talking much and there was no connection again as a result of that. He also said that his friend's were like is he forcing himself on me and all n so he was frustrated hence the break. I apologized and told him I was ready to change and he said we were cool as friends n I said OK even though I still wanted him. So after a while I messaged him we'd chat a little then later he'll read my msg and not reply. Left him for like a week and then tried again until he did same. So just want to ask does it mean he doesn't like me again or he's Tryna avoid me N not even interested in being friends anymore
    or better still what should I do

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would recommend applying no contact before actually contacting him again since the breakup was quite recent and there hasn't been enough distance to re-kindle lost feelings.

      Reply
  • Marga

    My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago, we were in a relationship for 3 years but mostly LDR. He broke up with me through text and promised me that he'll talk to me personally when he gets back to the same city I live in but he never did. Immediately went NC and ignored him. He messaged 2 days after he arrived in the same city I'm staying saying "To be honest I don't want to get back to you but we can talk after Christmas" I simply replied "No need to talk, Merry Christmas" I replied in that manner because for me, I think it would just be a waste of time talking to him because its clear that he's not yet open to listen to me or he's just so firm with his decision. The next day he messaged me again saying "hello, if you want to meet up so we can end this properly will see you on the 26th of December. Let me know if your willing to meet then" After this message, I never replied and continue to do NC. Im not sure if I'm doing this right, please help me? Should I just continue NC or should i start the first contact at this point?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you knew it was probably going to be a waste of time, then you did the right thing. Continue with No contact and decide on what you want at the end of it. You could initiate contact from there if you still feel that you want him back.

      Reply
  • tiruworq

    hi kelvin, I broke with my boyfriend before six
    months after long relationship means five years he
    is 27 and am 28. we live in distant to work and only
    met to holiday and to break.we had no any sex
    history during those years I said to him sex must be
    after marriage and he said ok .before a year I said to
    him i don't want him anymore but not from my
    bottom but the reason was we were in distant
    specially I was working in harsh environment plus
    and community and i was always want him in my
    side means I was always waiting my boyfriend to
    visit me but he was always busy this was the
    reason. and his friend call me and ask why i
    became like this and i understood my fault and I
    was calling to him but he was ignoring me and one
    day he was picking my calls and we were talk and
    regret each other and i back to my family to
    searching job and within two months we dated only
    two days but I need more date with him but he was
    busy and I was going to his work place and asking
    him why ignoring my calls and he said that he need
    clear cut I said why and we're plan to date and to
    talk about it but we didn't met. As he said now he
    was waiting my calls first but I was trying but he
    ignoring me after that I always messaged to him but
    no respond and again I was going to his work place
    with gifts he was surprised and dated to the next
    day and we did and I was asking why he was
    ignoring my calls he said he don't want me any more
    he need freedom without stress and expose him self
    new hobbies like smoking cigarette ,drunk alcohol
    and chewing stimulate plants and i did no contact to
    30 days and i did text to him no respond and what
    can I do next

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In this case, I would suggest that you consider if you're really willing to wait indefinitely for someone who may not want to talk to you anymore. Based on your decision, you should either walk away from this since he didn't reply you and you don't know if he ever will, or to continue waiting and trying to text him every now and then, to see if you can get a reply.

      Reply
    • tiruworq

      hi kelvin after 23 days I got a positive reply from him and i texted him again like "happy Christmas" but no respond so now what can I do next phone calls or what ,by the way his birthday is after 15 days i need your help now also thank you

      Reply
  • Wojciech

    My wife left me a year ago. Week later we were back togheter.For some time it was great. Then I started to be jelous, controlling, insecure again. I didn't learn the lesson. 9 months later after original breakup my wife asked for a separation and I decided to get a divorce. Month later we were back together while she was visiting our hometown. Then she flew back to our original place. I meant to join her month later. I had to reorganise my work first. However I was going out to often and enjoying time with old friends. I started controlling her, sending drunk texts every weekend, being jealous all the time. I did it as I was insecure. I have noticed she has starting to doubt again. So I panicked and I started to push her again, to decide what she wants and she decided to leave me.I fcuked up again. Now for a month she was barely responding to my texts or calls.I did NCR for 10 days. Few days ago I have managed to get her attention and we chatted on whatsup few times. She even was replying with good night, sending photos what did she bought herself,links to songs that she is listening too etc It was nice,not warm but not cold either. I was starting every contact. One was really long like for an hour. With emojis etc And then I sent her stupid drunk text. Why did you leave me, I miss you so much etc. I tried to call her but she was not answering as she knew that I am drunk and I will be saying stupid stuff. She knows I don't drink a lot but I tend to send messages to all people when drinking. Next day she was so pissed. Told me to ease up and control myself and leave her alone. I decided to send her flowers the same day. She called me and said thank you.She was so happy. 20 minutes later she has texted that flowers wont change anything. I replied that I know but she deserves them. Next morning she texted me something very interesting about some YouTube celebrity we both like and wink emoji. I answered very briefly...cool.She answered yeah, cool. It was a first time since I pushed her away that she initiated the contact. What should I do tomorrow? Does this mean anything?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest continuing with NC to work on your issues and learn to control your emotions and actions. She definitely still has feelings for you, but you need to work on those issues if you want the relationship to ever work out.

      Reply
    • Wojciech

      Ok. We have been married for 5years, she is 10 years younger and I think she was feeling trapped. You need to know that I have sent my wife two long emails in the previous weeks to reconsider. I have asked her through whatsup if there is a chance for us and she said no. She was saying she is not looking back anymore etc. She was very clear. But later I initiated few mentioned before contacts and just mostly talked about fun stuff. She has opened up a little bit. So while I was waiting for your reply after my original post I have initiated another contact. We were chatting and I have asked can I call her. She has asked me "what for"? She declined the call. I msg her that I don't bite and she has answered the call. We talked for almost 30mins. Plenty of laughs, gossips but I have mentioned our marriage few times to many I think. I have admitted to my mistakes and that I know what I have been doing wrong and that my jealousy ruined our marriage. First time since break up she has answered with "will see" when I asked about our future. I was not pushing. Changed the subject to keep her talking to me. Later in the evening I have initiated another chat and I was very straight forward. I have asked her to give us another chance, I was not begging. At first she said no. So I have asked what I need to do to win her back and she said "space". I think I was a little bit to open with my feelings, to needy for sure. However, she didn't end the conversation. She has asked me "How can I know that this time it will be different?" I have answered that I have recognized my mistakes and I don't want to be that guy anymore as it cost me my marriage and I'm not happy with myself and with the way I have been treating her. She wrote that she will think about it but I need to stop pushing her. I wished her good night and I'm waiting.Today is second NC day. Since we broke up/separated I am going to the gym more often, meeting friends, went for a week to Ireland, next week I am going to Barcelona. So I am trying.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great. Continue with what you're doing to improve yourself, and don't push her anymore. Just stay friends with her and be sweet, caring and show concern, without constantly asking her about getting back together. Eventually she will open up to you again (slowly), and begin to trust that you HAVE changed for the better.

      Reply
    • Wojciech

      Thank you Ryan.

      Reply
  • Ashley

    Hey there,
    So NC ended last week and yesterday was my ex’s bday so I wishes him happy bday and all the best for the holiday season. He immediately answered and also sent a text of the type you recommend as first contact, like you won’t believe what I just did. We talked about what he did (smg we used to talk about), he actually went into great detail and I just reacted and then he asked me how I was. I sent an upbeat but generic answer about being busy with wrapping gifts with my lil sister and asked how he was doing. No answer since then. I am so confused.

    Reply
    • Ashley

      Any advice is much appreciated as the situation is still the same.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Could he have been busy since and forgot to reply you? Also, have you tried texting him again since the last incident where he stopped replying halfway?

      Reply
    • Ashley

      I haven’t msg since. Too busy for more than a week now - no way. Also forgetting is impossible, after all, on the platform we use for messaging he sees if I am online and who sent the last message. So he is refusing to respond and I am going to leave it at that. Will see if maybe the New Year celebrations bring smg out of him.

      Reply
  • Steve

    Me and my ex broke up and she wanted to remain friends and see me after the holidays once I’m back in town. Was almost to 30 days no-contact when she reached out to me asking me what day I’m back. The next day I initiated talking and had a decent conversation that she seemed invested in. Now she’s not initiating anything, any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could be the one to continue initiating conversations with her instead and build the habit of talking again.

      Reply
  • Jim

    Hi there

    I had quite a rough break-up with my ex, about 3 months ago. We've been together for nearly 2 years, but had some issues during the last 3 to 6 months of our second year.
    She decided to move in with a (girl) friend of hers in another city but said we could still continue being together since the distance wasn't that great (+-25 km). I had a difficult time accepting that and had some other personal issues related to work, which made me insecure at the end.
    At one point I told her she should be less of an 'egocentric, selfish bitch' (it was the first and only time in those 2 years I said anything like that, we barely had arguments and always were able to talk about anything). I still get shivers when I think back at the moment I said those words, it changed everything.
    At first she didn't want to talk at all, but then after a week we decided to try some dating... we had 2 dates and scheduled a 3rd one, but then the 3rd date had to be rescheduled and never took place. She said she didn't love me anymore and needed time.
    I became desperate and started sending ridiculous amounts of messages through all forms of social media (facebook, whatsapp, instagram, google hangouts, mails,...) I never sent angry messages, or insulted her.
    At a certain point (1 and a half month after the breakup) she replied very angry and blocked me everywhere, except on hangouts. I managed to not send anything for 2 weeks, but then again send her a text on hangouts (nothing desperate this time, but some things to remember) and told her it would be my last message for a while... but after 10 days I send her another one, resulting in getting blocked on hangouts aswell... again 10 days later, we're now nearly 3 months after the breakup, she unblocked me on hangouts and I send her a happy birthday message, which she didn't reply to.
    I really don't know what to do anymore, I should have gone for this 'no contact' right away but I just found out about this strategy just now.

    Any advice from your side?

    Best regards

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, the damage has been done in your situation and it's better to give her even more time to let go of all the past negative emotions. Additionally, as you did not understand how no contact works back then, even by going 3 months without talking to her, you may not have applied the necessary changes in mindset or character towards the relationship, so I would suggest actually applying No Contact properly this time for one month before seeing how things go.

      Reply
    • Jim

      God, I'm so bad at this... So I startd no contact and managed to do so for over 5 weeks, tried to focus on myself which worked for most of the time, gradually she unblocked me on most social media. I decided I did enough no contact (didn't see the reply here...) and decided to send her a brief message through whatsapp. I shorlty apologized for my behaviour and told her I understand why we need some distance and that I was able to focus on myself and that I'm doing fine.
      Then 3 days later, not exactly sure why, but sun was shining and I felt like sending something (I know, I'm an idiot), so I sent her another whatsapp, asking if she might be up to chat in the evening or later that week, to see how we're both doing. This resulted in getting blocked on whatsapp again.
      Things got worse the next weekend, I crossed her on Tinder and wanted to swipe left but accidentally swiped into a super like... Didn't know what to do, so I immediatelly removed my Tinder account, hoping that she wouldn't notice.
      Getting desperate now, but not afraid to do no contact again, even for a longer time if that what is needed.

      (Some extra's without knowing of eachother, we both made a citytrip at the same time (during no contact), me to Paris, her to NY, and magically posted a photo with the same tags to it on Instagram (#tiredbuthappy was one of them), still blocked there, but a friend told me about this weird coincidence, also funny that we're on Tinder at the same time...)

      I'm afraid she's really moving on, I've been working hard on myself since november, sporting, studying a new language, didn't drink alcohol since New Year, could you give me some more advise please?

      Reply
    • Jim

      I found out what made her freak out, about one week after the initial break up, a friend invited me to a network event where there were a lot of models and beautiful women, I ended up being tagged in pictures on social media. I didn't realise this until some time ago that this must have really hurt her and made her upset. Wish I could explain that it was just fake stuff on social media, I didn't enjoy spending that evening, I was there only to enjoy the free drinks and food.
      I've been thinking to talk to her brother or a friend, but I know this isn't the way to go.
      Also she still has some stuff of me, of which 2 items have a lot of emotional value to me.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, even if she's moving on, you should simply focus on yourself instead and definitely not contact her out of any desperation. Let her move on emotionally if she needs to. Ultimately, she fell for you once, so there was something special about you that attracted her. Use that to your advantage when the time comes and make her fall for you again as if it were the first time. However, things need to start on a clean state (and you being unblocked of course), so the no contact and giving her space takes precedence.

      Reply
    • Jim

      Ok, thanks for the heads up. I'll try no contact for as long as it takes this time, and will write a letter when I feel ready. Since I already apologized (a couple of times) do I still need to apologize when I finally send the letter?

      Reply
    • Jim

      A month and a half later now, still blocked on Whatsapp and Instagram. We're near 6 months aftr the initial breakup and about 4 months after the Social Media blackout. I'm feeling better, been working out nearly everyday, found a new and better job, and got a holiday planned to the South of France for end of May. I'm missing her less, but still would like to work things out and get her back.
      I prepared a letter that I would like to send her in which I avoid mentioning anything about the breakup, just that I was at a place that reminded me of her and that it made me think about her and our time together. I mention that I accept the breakup and that have no lust for any useless discussions or blocking and unblocking on Social Media. I'm not sure if I should send it already or wait some more.

      Reply
  • anonymous

    Hi, so I sent the letter, and that worked she contacted me and I spoke to her briefly and ended the conversation well, I then left it 4 days before speaking to her again, but looking back on it I don't think my comment was good enough, it didn't generate a message back off her... how long shall I leave it before trying again? I don't want to attempt straight away otherwise that might look needy. I've already thought about it and I'm going to use the advice approach next time, thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      I would suggest perhaps waiting another 2-3 days before dropping another text message (if she replies you). If not, it might be better to wait for a week before texting her again.

      Reply
    • Anomynous

      During the texting phase is it wise to stay away from your ex’s social media account still? Especially when it comes to liking stuff etc?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could, however don't go liking everything she posts. During the texting phase you're building connection with her once more, and it would be good to keep yourself updated on her life (especially if she posts often) so you're able to handle the conversations.

      Reply
  • Leo Milo

    Hey I just had a break up with my ldr girlfriend, of three years. She broke up with me to be with a guy far closer.(On the same continent.) I was needy and not completely desperate, but I also was not completely well, Not either. For the next four days, she kept trying to talk to me and I did because I said I'd always be there for her, for serious crap.
    In the end, today she broke up with this new guy only to get with me, Because how much she missed me, and loved me. However then after that, and saying she wanted to be together forever, She said she was unsure, and that her head wasn't together, she then said it wouldn't work since she'd probably only keep leading me on, and never fully commit to me, and just keep me as a second. Before she had a big talk with him, talking about abuse with him, and since he shared that with her, that she couldn't leave him, that she loved him more.
    I told her, that it was ironic she brings this up now. That it could be a lie, But she didn't take that well, and ended the call. Then I said, that I would talk to her in the future, and to only contact me in an emergency. She said that youtuber we used to watch a series of his was uploading new stuff, and that if it was an emergency. I said no way(that only self harm, suicidal level stuff would be it.). She then told me to "be that way and screw off."
    I didn't respond to that. haven't said anything to her since tonight... What do you think I should do? I plan on no contact for at least a month, maybe longer. To work on my body, and my mind. Learn how to live without her. But this all left me with mixed feelings.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, your mixed feelings are probably justified as she seems to be pretty confused as well on what she wants. Give her time to figure out without your interference, and proceed with NC like you planned. Normally when we get caught up in other people's confusion, it only tends to leave us frustrated and equally as confused because we can't determine if the person wants us back or not.

      Reply
  • Kathy

    I dated a guy for a month. We had strong feelings for each other and I thought everything is going the right direction. He said to me "you are my weakness", and he said "I miss you" and how much he likes me everyday when we were dating. It was exclusive. We haven't seen each other for 10days before broke up (he has so many urgent and real issues in his life, but I didn't know at that time), so I wanted to meet him and acted needy and pushy. I said break up that morning, he said good things and tried to get me back. I said I need time, he said ok, but a few minutes later, he flipped and started texting that I was selfish and inconsiderate. He said he need time and space, and "I want to be alone!!!!!". He said he tried to give me his best but I could not wait for him for a week at his worst. He said I was crazy and became the kind of person he wants far far away from. Then I tried to get him back, he said no. I kept tried (which is so stupid), he kept saying no. Then he got soooo emotional, and sent a screen full of sentences with the f word (how I made things worse and worse, and what is wrong with me...). Then he said he will throw away my stuff and he deleted me on social media (wechat). This happened two days ago, after that, I haven't reached out to him. Do you think it is possible that I can get him back? We had huge fights before, and he said very cold and hurtful things too, but later we got back together. I don't know about this time. Any help?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In this case, since damage has been done, it's best to focus on how to make things right. The first step would be to give him some space and give yourself some time to distance yourself from all that has happened. If you do want him back, it's still possible but you have to show him that you're willing to be there for him, and not act out emotionally when he is busy.

      Reply
  • Tami

    Hello,

    I was lond distance and online dating a guy for half year (we have met in person).He's like my inbetween bf. Our last conversaiton was like this: I asked him a thing about his past relationship, and he lied. Then he said "Let's move on. I don't want to make you feel unvalued." Then I stop responding anymore. Been in NC for 10 days.
    It's kind of awkawrd for me to initiate the contact for I think it wasn't a pleaseant end for us.
    Actually I want be on the ball and talk to him and make him confess his lie by himself, but seems it'd bee too dramatic and emotional after NC in that way, right?
    And I'm not sure if any first contact text with posotive tones like nothing have happened before would work well in my situation.

    Any thoughts and advice please? :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, you have to ask yourself that despite him lying about his past relationship, the important question is 'does it matter'? If he's not comfortable with telling you and felt a need to hide it at that point, but you still want to be with him, you shouldn't let the past affect your current relationship. If you complete NC and still want to be with him, then it would be better to focus on positive tones rather than confrontation.

      Reply
  • Michael

    Hi,

    I've been with my ex since November 2015. A few weeks before November my ex and I had an argument. She then asked for space but we didn't totally sticker with it. We would still send messages to each other but less compared to before.

    Around second week of November, we met at her place to talk and discuss the relationship. She confessed to cheating. I was devastated. She said she's been talking to this guy for a couple of months about out relationship (it's a complicated relationship) and that the sex was just a one off thing. She was hesitant at first but she already broke it off with the guy.

    We talked about how to make things work and decided to continue with the relationship. However she said that she was overwhelmed by the work needed to be done in the relationship. But she still wanted to continue with the relationship.

    A few days after I met with an ex girlfriend since I needed someone to talk to a out what's happening. Since the relationship was complicated, I couldn't talk to friends or family about it. I realized that I rushed into getting back with my current ex. I forced her to commit to make the relationship work.

    Next dat, I met with my current ex again. She was acting as if there's nothing wrong. She was touching me, hugging me, smiling and laughing. I talked to her about ending the relationship. That she didn't communicate with me (instead of looking for someone to talk to about it relationship), that I didn't feel any regret or remorse from her (from cheating) and I didn't feel any sincerity from her when we talked about getting back together. I apologized for forcing her to commit to the relationship and in working out her infidelity.

    I initiated no contact a few days after. She would send me pictures of my letters to her. Send me a txt message that she misses me. Tried to add me back on Facebook. Even got mad at me for blocking her (so she blocked me as well) and seeing a picture of me with a girl on a date.

    It's been 24 days since the breakup, 21 days since I last contacted her and 6 days since she last contacted me.

    I've been trying improving myself. I talked to a couple of friends about my situation which helped ease the pain and also get different perspectives about the relationship. I did water fasting and lost weight. Had a haircut. Got new clothes. Got some facial products to improve my skin. A lot of my friends noticed that I look younger which gave me confidence. I am now starting to exercise at home.

    I know no contact should be at least 30 days, but would it help if I make it longer? I work from home so there are times that I think about her and I would go back to your 5 stage plan and see where I'm at. It's very stressful thinking that I'm starting to think that I'm making progress and then all of a sudden miss her. Also do I still need to send the Elephant in the Room letter? I've already composed it based on your guide. But I haven't sent it yet since I'm not sure if it's a good idea since there were no hurtful words given during the breakup.

    I'm planning on sticking with at least 30 days. But I am not sure if I can wait more than that.

    Regards.

    Michael

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Michael,

      I think you're doing a good job for starters, and that the 30 days is only meant as a guideline. In this case, since she cheated on you and you're the one hurting but she has shown signs that she wants you back, you could always consider whether you're willing to give it a second chance, and if so you could contact her again at the end of 30 days.

      Reply
    • Michael

      Cool. But how about the elephant in the room letter? Is it a good idea to start with that after no contact?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to be the one to point out her flaws, usually the elephant in the room letter is meant to be directed at yourself in order to acknowledge past faults you may have made. You won't get her back if the first letter you send her was pointing out her faults on cheating.

      Reply
  • Angel

    Long story short ... me and my ex were dating for a year and two months . Off and on . The longest apart was a month .. We both were in love but we fought a lot . So back in October we had a really bad break up. I did all the wrong things for a month to try and get him back it didn’t work . So after 3 weeks of NC. He came back , called me telling me he loved me and missed me .. we talked everyday for a week then he went silent one day I sent two messages then called , then I finally sent a message saying I won’t bother him , he texted back the next day and said he was busy working ... which I knew was just a excuse . I didn’t text back but I texted the next day and still no response so I waited and on the third day I called twice back to back , he texted and said “what?” Then texted again and sai “Your already about to start your shit huh “ which by that meant like I’m going to start bowing him up and starting drama like I used to ... I just sent a friendly message back and he didn’t reply .. it’s been two days ..

    I’m confused on why he came back just to start to ignore me again ? We talked fine for a whole week could he have gotten over me that fast ? Everything seemed so fine ..

    Any advice would help ? I don’t want to reach out and seem needy again because he said that was one of the reasons why we broke up ..

    What should I do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For starters, it would be better to avoid reverting back to old habits since the whole point of NC is to spend time working on those issues and changing them. Even if he does love you and miss you, you have to learn to be more secure about your feelings and not let them run your actions. I would suggest continuing with NC further until you're able to deal with him not replying and not get affected by it.

      Reply
  • Katrice

    Kevin, I met my ex in highschool 20 years ago but hadn't seen him in 20 years and he found me on fb. We moved pretty fast and got into a relationship. He said he had been dating someone for over a year and half but it was long distance and she saw him once or twice a month (6 hour drive). He said he was once very much in love with her but it was done because she was distant. He was married but separated from his wife for 5 years and his wife lives with her man and he had his own place but said that was the reason why she wouldn't commit to him, but i was nurturing(unlike her) and the best girlfriend he ever had. But when his divorce was finalized a month ago he went behind my back and saw her when she came to town and told me he is in love with both of us and he thinks about her often but hadn't been for two months. Then said he had issues in the home because my sister and nephew live here and don't do things around the house, etc etc. So I think she was in his ear telling him to leave and move out. He said he would come back when my sister moves next year and went to stay with his sister. So i told him we need a break and that was 2 weeks ago. He got into a relationship with her not even 3 days later. the same person that said he wouldn't do long distance and I'm here with him and she is 6 hours away and I have nothing to worry about. I told him to never contact me again and he said ok, and i blocked him. he called from his daughter's phone later that day (maybe to see if I blocked him-but I didn't answer) and then he blocked me on facebook.
    I really felt that I had found my soul mate and I am hurt by this, I wanted a break for him to see that he would miss me but instead he got into a relationship with someone he will see once a twice a month and that hurts. Do you think the no contact rule would work in this case? How can I get him to not stop thinking about me as he did her but to keep her away for good?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      It doesn't seem to me like this a person who knows what he wants. If he is able to change decisions so easily, and back and forth, it might not be a stable relationship in the long run even if you get back together with him. There's not much you can do to keep her away for good, as that's entirely up to him and her, and not something you should get involved with or you'd be seen as the bad person.

      Reply
  • Arthur

    Hello
    I did the no contact for almost four weeks, and I texted my ex today and she immediately replied. It was like four texts back and forth. I used the “I walked thorugh this restaurant and it reminded me lf you” but now I don’t know what to say for the fourth day.
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      How about just being yourself and try texting a conversational topic that you guys would normally talk about back when you were together.

      Reply
  • n

    This isn't working for me.

    We are arranging a date in few weeks, and he says he wants to see me. We have progressed to phone calls once a week and they are successful and we laugh and discuss mainly politics. He doesn't chat. He won't tell me what he does in the day. he won't tell me about himself. Open ended questions don't work. And he hardly ever shows interest in me, often giving a short polite answer when i tell him things.
    whats going on? Can someone give me some tips to get him to open up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, the key here is to take baby steps forward. If it has progressed on a positive level, it's something to be happy about. From breaking up, to no contact, to actually talking once a week. Have a little patience and slowly build back whatever was lost.

      Reply
  • Shawn

    Me and my ex dated for 1.5 years we were best friends all through highschool, we broke up 3 months ago because I started college away but I’m transferring closer to home for other reasons. But she broke up with me because I kept on getting jealous when she would talk to other guys and she told me she needed a break and I begged and pleaded her for 3 months to take me back and she said “she just doesn’t want a relationship right now” and I’m On day 4 or the no contact period. Is there still a chance. She found a whole new set of friends and I think she might have already rebounded and might have feelings for another guy. Is it too late and how do I go about getting a girl who you mightve pushed too far away? How long should my no contact period be?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It should still be within the same range but if she did find a rebound, it may have to be even longer. Right now the last impression she had of you was begging her to take you back, which you want her to forget about when you actually talk to her once more. I think you do have a chance but it also depends on how you act and whether you're capable of changing.

      Reply
  • JESSY MENDS

    Hi Kevin,
    Your article has really helped me .
    I have talking to this friend for a month ..we are so happy anytime we together. about 2 weeks now on Saturday you agreed on meeting goes at my end at 6 pm and usual waited for him and he never showed up and never called .I tried his line and line was busy for several times .
    the next day I found out he has blocked and till now he hasn't contacted me or sent me a msg.I have been through hell. I have called him ,sent his text message and email and he never responded to any.
    I still ask myself what went wrong ,what did I wrong since we never had any misunderstanding I mean nothing .
    still hoping that I will hear from him at least to tell me what went wrong.

    Jessy

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I hope he does reply too but it's highly probable that he won't. In which case, you should focus on moving on from this bad situation and let go of the upset and hurt you may be feeling right now.

      Reply
  • AshleyJ

    Hi,
    My ex broke up with me last week after living together for more than a year. He said he had had enough, I was hurting too much when we had an argument etc.
    He rarely shared his feelings and he just lets bad feelings build up without discussing them.
    He moved out, we only texted about the logistics (I was staying at a friend’s place), we will have to be in contact about other the rest of his stuff eventually.
    I am not going to message him until next year.
    But what do you think? If I show him I am capable of changing and I am a good person to be with just like when we met, do we still stand a chance?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      I think he needs to change more than you if he didn't communicate enough in the relationship. No matter how much you change, if he doesn't learn how to share his feelings, you will never be able to maintain a healthy relationship with him.

      If you want to give it a try, you should. Follow what the above article suggests. But before you officially get back with him, you should let him know that you need him to communicate more if he wants the relationship to work.

      Reply
    • AshleyJ

      Thanks for your answer.
      Our split was okay, I maybe said one or two meedy things but then we just said it was beautiful. I of course cried.
      Through my actions I want to time travel back to a time when we were truly happy together. For me having space makes me reevaluate certain things in life and where I made mistakes.
      I am just afraid that because he was very firm on hia decision and when I aske him of he wanted to talk about anything before I leave to let him gather his stuff, he said no, nothing to say. If he’s so neutral (or showing to be), and also saying his feelings have changed (although I know he still cares at least a bit from how he behaved physically after the BU), do I have a shot after NC?
      I know we both need to change, that’s also why I am doing NC because it would be overwhming for him as well to just talk about this upfront and continue in the bad mood we left off.
      Thanks a lot guys.

      Reply
  • Timm

    hey there, we broke up in august 2017 and now i contacted him after 3 months. we talked about 3-4 hours,it was a good talk, and now its been 2 days, neither i text him nor is he. Dont know what to do now. i really want to talk to him. Please someone help me. Also, we are in LDR.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there, you could always try texting him or calling to casually continue the conversation. Not knowing the context of your breakup, I can't say for certain why he won't text you first, but there could be a variety of reasons.

      Reply
    • Timm

      Hey Ryan, we had a seven month relationship. we were together only for the first thirty days and then there was six months LDR because he got job in another country.We spent good time together, but in august, we had an argument, He was not giving me time. Also he was shifting those days into another house and there were some internet issues too. I misunderstood and i doubted him.I started shouting and then he said, he can't survive with all this,he need space.I realised my mistake and apologised he then started ignoring me all the time.I know i was being clingy. This thing made him more irritating and he ended up the relationship. He said we can be friends only and we cant stay together for life time.I apologized to him hundred times a day continuously for 1 week and his response was nothing.Then i applied NC rule till now, for alomst 3 months i didn't text him. But he contacted me in NC period 4,5 time on certain events, i gave him no to very little response. Now I texted him after NC period"he responded very well,he told me that he was afraid to text me because i might get angry" we talked for 3,4 hours. But now there's problem that if i didn't text him a day ,he also didn't text me. please help me what should i do know? I really want him back in my life.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, from what I've gathered, it seems he does not want to text you first for fear that you may not reply or give him minimal response. Perhaps you could be the one to initiate a casual habit of texting him and at least see how things work out from there?

      Reply
    • Timm

      So, You mean to say that I should text him everyday to start a convo, Ummm Okay! But, all I want to know his feelings for me :( Though he shares his feelings rarely, it's his old habit. Its getting complicated now. Anyways, thank you so much for help Ryan :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey There,

      I don't think you start texting him everyday but once in awhile to slowly build up a habit once more. If you don't wish to go through that trouble and merely want to know how he feels about you, perhaps you could ask him.

      Reply
    • timm

      Hey Ryan, i text him once a day and talk for like 15-20 minutes a day. Sometimes, i text him after 2 days. I am just trying to develop a habit. Taking things very.Hopefully, one day i will be successful :)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great. Yes you're right. in situations like this, it's all about taking baby steps towards the goal.

      Reply
    • Timm

      Thanks Ryan, But it hurts like hell when he sometimes ignores my text. I dont know what should i do to build an attraction in such LDR. He is complicated.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to ask yourself if it's worthwhile in the long run. It's a long and tiring process and if you say he's complicated, it will only add to the difficulty.

      Reply
    • Timm

      Hey Ryan, I am in big trouble now.Good news he is back ,he visited home country in december. Everything was alright, we met and we were happy to see each other but now we are again LDR and bad news is he is alchohalic now. He drinks at night immediately after he come back from work. We dont talk much. He is stressed these days because of work.He talked to me twice and he was drunk.I never saw him in this condition befroe. I didn't control my emotions and started crying over the phone. After that he is avoiding me by saying that he cant see me crying and in pain and now there are very few chances of ours to get married. I dont know what to do now. He is pulling me away again.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to learn to keep composed and not let your emotions get in the way. Take an objective view on things, and figure out why he is drinking so much. Perhaps see if you can casually influence in to cut down or at least share his feelings with you, as it may provide for an outlet for release which he lacks, therefore turning into alcohol to cope. Let him know that you're there for him, and be as supportive as you can.

      Reply
  • Carlos

    I just broke up with my girlfriend one day ago. We lived together for 7 months, but then I went to study abroad and then we were in a long distance relationship for 6 months. Then, yesterday I broke up with her because she was not giving me enough attention. I know it was a silly reason, for this some hours later I asked her to give me another chance, but then she was upset and she said it was better to give a break, because maybe she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. And now, what should I do? do you think that I still can have her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Carlos,

      For starters, you shouldn't use breaking up as 'blackmail' to get what you want but instead work on the issues together. Currently if she's upset then it's better to give her some time to cool off and not pressure her as it would only push her away. Perhaps wait a couple of days before talking to her again.

      Reply
  • Roxy

    My ex and I were together for 4 months. It was all a fairytale until I told him about a sexual experience I had BEFORE WE MET and he didnt take it too well. He started getting depressed, said he couldnt get over it and things started falling apart. He got distant and I would get clingier as a result, since I was afraid to lose him. I smothered him I think, but he also didnt make much of an effort to forget about that fact and move on.
    I asked for a break almost 2 weeks ago. After a week I caved and asked him to meet me to talk it out. He said it wasnt a good idea.
    So now Im doing the no contact period for 30 days and keeping my social media updated with happy photos so he doesnt think Im crying over him (which I am... very much).
    Given the reason we separated, do you think the rule might do the trick? Can I approach him with the texts you suggested after this period?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Roxy,

      From my understanding, the distance was created due to his insecurities, which ultimately led to you deciding to walk away. If you're really serious about him, my suggestion would be to at least regain control over your emotions and not get so affected by what has happened. You ideally want to seem emotionally stable if you were to talk to him again and not come across as desperate or clingy. This NC period might be good for you to work on that. To answer your last two questions, it really would depend on how he feels about you (you would know the best) if NC would do the trick, and yes you can definitely use the texts suggested in our article.

      Reply
    • Roxy

      Thanks for the help Ryan!
      Another thing, I had already bought my ex's Xmas present when we broke up. Do you think it's a bad move to send it to him through the mail with a letter? After NC ends of course. I'm thinking I should text him and approach him in a less crazy way first though :/

      Reply
    • AshleyJ

      Hi, I’m just a fellow reader but I thought you might want to hear my thoughts.
      I wouldn’t send the gift. Put it away, out of sight.
      It’d be really overwhelming and shows that you are acting because you are desperate and your mind still hasn’t gained any control over your actions. It’s important to let your heart dictate but your mind needs to filter.
      I suggest to go with texts and see it from there.
      Best of luck!

      Reply
  • Lacey

    Hey. So me and my ex were together for about 2.5 months before breaking up. Everything was great, he asked me to be his gf I ended up taking his virginity but I said some things that really hurt him and he ended up breaking up with me. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him because I was bored or because I actually liked him despite telling him to leave me alone... I was shocked when he actually did. I thought it was something we’d get past but he was serious and we stopped talking. About 5 days later I texted him acting needy and he agreed to meet up but only being friends or “f* buddies” so I got mad and kinda told him he changed and was being a dick. So after that I tried apologizing and he was super mad and said he doesn’t wanna be my friend but he forgives me and blocked my number and all social media. I was devastated so I drove to his house which was a bad idea because he got his mom to ask me to leave. Anyway, since that happened I haven’t talked to him but we shared something special and I miss him so much. I don't know if I should let go or try again considering how bad it ended. Last contact was August 19th so almost 3 months

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Lacey,

      If you're still into him at this point, perhaps you could initiate re-contact with him but do it casually. You could follow this article on things to do after the no contact period. If he does not respond positively towards you, then it would be fair to yourself to move on.

      Reply
  • Sariah Walker

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for 8 months before he broke up with me.. He told me he couldn't handle my attitude and how mean i was to him.. During our breakup and tried and said everything that would convince him to stay but nothing worked.. We blocked each other for a little over 2 months and I initiated contact with him again, but this time he was all the way across the country for college. We started talking again but things weren't the same, he never made time for me, he'd sometimes choose his new friends over me etc. Then there would be days where he would disappear for hours and come back and act like nothing was wrong. I expressed to him numerous times that I was depressed that he wasn't treating me the best anymore and he took that and said that he didn't want to talk anymore. I know him and I know that's not who he truly is deep down. He comes back in town for thanksgiving and by then it would have been a month of no contact. Should I try to talk to him again? Thank you so much for your time and wisdom.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Sariah,

      Well firstly you have to accept the fact that you guys have broken up so he can decide that you're not a priority at the moment. What you should do is to spend this next 30 days focusing on yourself and trying to lift your spirits by keeping yourself busy. Ultimately, when he comes back for thanksgiving and if you still wish to see him again, you'd want for him to think that you've changed and grown.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Hey so my ex and I broke up back in Sept (due to my needyness and taking her for granted, along with us going into an LDR over the summer, I had to go home to work so I could pay for my college) and I uh, was rather needy after the breakup. For 2 weeks after I wouldn't really leave her alone via text. She wound up blocking me for about 2 week and during that time I found this article. I was still rather needy at this point, but I was able to carry conversations like you say here for about a week, but got ahead of myself and tried to ask her out for coffee. As you can guess she said no and I regressed a little and started to beg again. She pretty much told me she'd moved on and that I should do the same. I ended the conversation there and a week later (on the 20th of this month) sent her this text:

    I was at a low point last time I texted you and gave up on all that I was trying to change about myself. I fell right back into the way I was over the summer, where I was trying to get you to deal with my problems and making you my emotional anchor. Not only was I abusing your willingness to talk to me, I also tried to get you to see me in person for my own selfish reasons. It wasn't right nor was it fair. You deserve better and I'm sorry.

    I was wondering where I should go from here. The past two weeks have really been helpful as I've been catching up with some friends I haven't seen in years and I seem to finally actually be moving on. I still want to be with her, but I don't need to. I'm sticking with no contact for now, at least for another week or two.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Matt,

      That's great that you've finally reached the intended point of recovery for every break up of wanting but not 'needing' her in your life. Once you're done with your no contact, if you decide you still want to be with her, then you could initiate recontact but remember not to fall back into old routines and keep it calm and collected. If she turns down your offer to meet for coffee or anything else, do not regress to an old self but remember this is the 'new' you.

      Reply
  • Nonnie

    Hi my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago with me just because I was short off with him and he got mad.We were in a long distance relationship and now he wants nothing to do with me but I still love him and want to be with him

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Nonnie,

      Being short with your partner is normal and usually just some space to cool down is needed before things go back to normal but if he still does not want to text you or reply to you at this point, it might be fair to assume that the reason for the break up had more underlying issues. You could ask him about it and if he still does not want to reply you or want nothing to do with you, you should be fair to yourself and try to move on.

      Reply
  • N D

    Hello!

    My situation is fairly complicated and frustrating. My fiancee and I were together for a little over 6 years before we broke up about 2 months ago.

    I've tried the no-contact thing, but if I go without contacting him for a day, he either gets upset or he contacts me first. The problem with that is half the time he'll end up calling me and arguing with me. Other times he'll call and tell me how much he misses me and wishes we could work things out.

    We're currently long distance. Far enough to be inconvenient, but close enough to where we used to see each other every other weekend.

    He refuses to come see me or allow me to see him until I prove I have "fixed myself" - our main issues are that we argued a lot and he felt I constantly disrespected him.

    I'm not certain how to prove I've changed, especially when he refuses to spend time with me and is so inconsistent with his communication.

    I really love him and want to fix things. I'm just not sure where to even start.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Denise,

      I suggest you be firm with the no contact rule for now and not reply messages or calls until you've got a lock down on your emotions and find a way to control your anger. Right now, as the break up is still fresh, the arguments and negatives feelings are still very much intact hence the reason for space. Spend the next 1 month working on yourself as this will also give him some time to detach himself from the instinct of wanting to argue with you each time he calls.

      Reply
  • Rachel

    I was dating someone for ~14 months and was/am completely in love with him. It took him a little longer to express strong feelings for me but eventually he said he loved me and we had a great relationship. At the beginning, we struggled a bit because he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert and I wanted to spend more time together but he preferred more alone time. We learned how to compromise and our relationship improved. In the last few months he became pretty distant and eventually broke up with me because it didn't want to be in a relationship at this time in his life and he was also unsure if I was the one he wanted to marry. I am heartbroken and don't know what to do. We haven't really had much contact in the past 4 months. Is there any hope for me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Rachel,

      Since it has been 4 months and the wounds aren't as fresh, perhaps you could try to establish re-contact with him. Find out what the underlying reason was for the break up and see if it's something that can be worked on and changed.

      Reply
  • Maria

    Hi! My situation is kinda complicated, I will make it short! My ex and I broke up 8 months ago, I was really hurt, I begged and so. He blocked me after I removed him from my social media; he deleted every like of my photos he ever gave me, on instagram. After 4 months we broke up, I called him (I was a little bit drunk but I hope nothing really noticeable) and I told him that it was a shame that our friendship was over, that I didn't want to ended up that way, blocked and like if we were upset. He was the one who broke up with me and yet, I felt that he was a little bit resentful, he also told that if I wanted to reach him, I could have used a "normal text" (he blocked me on whatsapp). We talked a little bit but not really like friends :/, he said that should continue in the party I was (my friend uploaded a photo of us). A week after he texted me, asking about me and stuff; I was really cold because I was having a rebound (it didn't work out); at this point I was still hurt and didn't want him back. Six months after we broke up, I started texting because I realized that even though I thought I was over him, I wasn't; so I decided to give it a shot. We started talking and I stupidly brought the relationship back and I told him that it was a shame he stop loving me and he said he never stopped, but that things were complicated. I asked him why he wouldn't like to give it a try and he replied that he was scared that things will happened again because there were things he never liked about the relationship. All of that happened the same day I iniated contact. We talked everyday for a month, but I asked him out and he said that he was busy. I pushed him and he said he just wanted a friendship, so I told him I was hoping for more. He also told me that maybe we could hang out, kiss and stuff but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. (He contradicted himself sometimes) I decided to apply the no contact rule. It was over but I was kinda down and I was really thinking about reaching him again. Casually we bumped to each other at a friend's house; I hited his back slightly as a sign of saying hi. He was really nervous and started talking to me, he said that why I didn't say hi (like making things funny), also asked me about my tattoo but I shortly answered and walked away; we talked a little bit more after about college and he told me he had a new cat and at a moment I asked a glass of water to my friends and surprisely he was the one who gave it to me. That happened on october 15! I texted on october 17 with an excuse (something about the car license), and we talked really nice but briefly (an hour). On October 19 I texted him again about a "quiz about pineapple" that my cousin needed, he said that he would tried to answer it but he never sent it back! That was the last time we talked! I need some advice here please

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Maria, perhaps it would be good to try and find out what it was that he didn't like about the relationship and see if you could go about convincing him with change that you're different now.

      Reply
    • Maria

      I have an idea of the things he didn't like! I think I can become a part of his life again (by texting and see how it goes) and then REALLY slowly show him that things will be different this time! Do I still got a chance?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well Maria, to me I always believe that everyone has a chance, it all depends on how you progress and convince him that you can be part of his life once again and things will be different.

      Reply
  • Shin

    Hello, I was in long distant relationship, broke up almost 2 month ago. first month after broke up, I was so needy, texted her so many time to get back to me, even said I will wait her forever. Later I realize what I've done is so wrong, so I sent her apologize, I told her that I accept this break up, admit my fault cause this mess and broke up, I will learn to be better and say thank you. She said just accept, deleted everything I have, and don't find her. So I said, ok to prove that I'm not a needy person anymore. She has blocked me everywhere so I can't sent her message. I'm already in full no contact for 3 weeks. So, later how can I send her a message if she blocked me, even my friend as well so we don't have mutual friends. And I promised to not find her, is it okay to try to contact her? Anyway I'm a girl too, same sex relationship. Thank you for helping me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey, since you are already into no contact for 3 weeks, finish up this last week then perhaps try to drop her a text on any platform that she may not have blocked you on. If she still doesn't reply you or has blocked you everywhere, it may be best to also try and move on as there's not much you can do since it is a long distance relationship and she is in another country.

      Reply
  • Anna

    Hey, I have been dating a guy and he seemed really into me. He recently seems to be distant .. I don’t understand, he told me he really liked me... what do I do ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Anna,

      Since you've just started dating and have not really broken up, I recommend speaking to him about this. Just tell him that you are into him and ask him if he is into you. If not, then it would be a good idea to cut contact, move on and find someone who is into you; instead of investing time in someone who isn't.

      Reply
    • Courtney

      I’ve been dating this guy for about two months, everything was going well. The issue is , he told me “I’m sprung”. I didn’t know how to take it in. I was awkward when he told me how he feels. I do like him but I felt it was weird for him to feel that way, so soon. I think he took my reaction the wrong way. He seems more distant now. He keeps making excuses as to why he’s being distant, saying he has isssues going on. I don’t know how to go from here? I would like to know what message I could send, to get him how he was, Thank you.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Courtney, personally I feel that honesty would be the best choice to make. Since it seemed like a misunderstanding, at least having a proper talk to him might clear things up for both of you.

      Reply
  • Jenny

    Hello,

    I have finished no contact and have been messaging with my ex, we work together and at work he seems really happy laughing all the time but whenever we speak he tells me how unhappy he is with his job. His responses seem really neutral and almost like he would rather not speak sometimes. I felt that he has been flirting loudly with a new girl he works closely with now as they have been giggling and laughing together all day almost everyday since I contacted him which is obviously upsetting for me. We spoke on the phone once and I apologised for the way I acted (needy etc) and he said I didn't need to apologise and we had nothing to speak about (in terms of the relationship). Then he changed the conversation and started bringing up funny stuff we did together and was being nice. I am really confused because he still seems really distant in his messages and I am wondering if he is just replying to be polite. He never asks me anything about myself, he never asks how I am or what I am doing and shows no interest when I offer information. We never really discussed being friends and when he broke up with me he said he needed space and could not be with me... right now. He said who knows about the future and when I asked if he did not want to be with me anymore he said he didn't know. Then he just shut me out and went really cold and distant so I did no contact for 30 days. Its been a week and a half since we have been in contact and the only time he has asked me how are you is when we bump into each other round the office. Should I carry on messaging him or give him more space? We broke up almost 3 months ago.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Jenny,

      The whole point of the no contact rule is to give yourself space and a fresh perspective on things. If after the period, you gave it your best shot and he still does not seem to reciprocate your feelings towards him, it might be better for you to take a step back and try to move on from things. Alternatively, if you are confused about whether he still has feelings for you, your best bet would be to be honest and ask him.

      Reply
  • gabriela

    this advice is terrible, it is all about pretending you are feeling something other than you are feeling. it is so dispassionate. no relationship thrived in the face of reserve. its all game. if you miss them tell them so, its not desperate or needy to tell the truth. coupledom is where we learn to love unconditionally by learning about our opposite, to understand them, to emapthise with them, to realise our differences are based on the same core needs to care and be cared for. i suggest everybody communicate from the heart, as passionate and crazy as you need to be and stop pretending not to care. when you are attracted to someone tell them, and tell them what you like about them, if they don't like what you have to say then at least you know from the beginning, and you can move on. you cant move on if you have not been honest about our feelings. admit to being confused, dont pretend to be all cool about it if you're not. you will end up alone and stuck in games if you pretend you're fine without someone to love and care for.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Gabriela,

      I agree that you should be honest and vulnerable. In fact, I mention it multiple times in the article above that you should be honest and not pretend to be cool when you are not. I am guessing you didn't really read the entire article before commenting.

      Reply
  • Marie

    Dating a guy for the last couple months. He kept saying he was very serious about me. Asked if we were exclusive. We slept together. I heard from him the next day. Then nothing. I went a little crazy texting him. Haven’t seen him in a month. I asked to meet up for dinner this past week. He never actually said he would be there. Time came and he text asking if I was there. I felt like a fool. He wasn’t there. I was though. I laid into him. Sent several texts saying it would be my last one. Explained that I hadn’t been myself. Thought we were more. Lots going on. I’d be blocking him because I was mortified by my actions. Then I stopped texting him. Later that night he sends me a text asking “whatcha doing?” I just deleted it. I assume he was asking to see if I would bite. I’m going to give the no contact a go. Can I come back from this? He never said we were done or anything. Never called me names.

    Reply
  • King

    Hi kevin! My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I did the no contact rule for 28 days then texted my ex in which she replied. After 2 days I texted her again and we had a short conversation but she was the one who ended it. After 2 days I texted her again and got no response from her since then. I texted her again last night but I still did not got a reply. Did I mess it up already? I'm planning to go at their house to give her a letter after a week. Will that help? Thank you.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi King,

      No going to her house will not help. I recommend you do no contact again for a 2-3 weeks before texting her.

      I don't think you messed up. It just seems like she was replying out of courtesy but she is not interested in speaking to you right now. Giving her more space might make her more open to speaking with you. If it doesn't, then you should consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Keah

    Hey Kevin! My ex and I broke up around 4 weeks ago. He said he broke it off for now because he's temporarily moved across the country (5 months), and doesn't know where he'll go next yet. Makes sense. Except that I discovered 3 days later he had had an affair. We talked in person (it was a good conversation). And he has stated multiple times that he sees a possible future later on. In the past month, there have been some definite rough patches in attempting to maintain a healthy friendship (mostly me actively trying to be good friends and him pulling away while repeatedly saying he didn't need space). So I decided to do no contact to step back and give myself time to heal from all the information I've digested this month and give him the opportunity (hopefully) to realize that me not being angry (I'm not an angry person) doesn't mean that anything he had done was okay. I'm 11 days in to NC now. He contacted me once a week in with a "Hey haven't heard from you" type text, and again yesterday with a drink suggestion to be seemingly casual I assume. I had asked him awhile back to meet me for breakfast this month but figure I'd leave it unless he asks about it. But what kind of text should I initiate after no contact? Obviously we have things to work through, so idk if memory or casual is the way to go. Or elephant in the room?

    Ps we were together 2 years and (from my understanding) had a good relationship. So a lot of it is up to him if he decides he is ready to share and work through what he needs to.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Keah,

      Since you both didn't end things on a bad note, it might be a good idea to start with a casual text and move on to more serious stuff later on.

      Reply
  • Roxanne

    Hi thanks for the article it was much needed. I have a question, my ex is quick on calling as in when he receives a text that will lead to a conversation he calls. He spends hours on the phone often having 2 3 lines at the same time in business hours

    Should I keep to texting first or should I use this to my advantage ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Definitely use this to your advantage. Speaking on the phone is more intimate than texting. But only speak as long as the conversation is interesting and engaging. End it on a high note and keep him wanting more.

      Reply
  • Sam

    Hey Kevin,

    I've completed the no contact (5 weeks long). I sent the "letter" through text, waited another two weeks and sent the initial "this reminded me of you/how have you been" text. What should I do if he doesn't respond?

    Reply
  • Fred

    Kevin,

    I’m 11 days into the no contact period. I’ve been getting your email service for a few days now, I’m at the stage where you talk about the letter, and its thrown me a little, do I want to send a short hand written letter now (following the example you give on the email), or wait till after the 30 day period to send it?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Send it when you are done with your no contact.

      Reply
    • Fred

      Kevin, 2 days after the no contact period is up it'll be her birthday, do you recommend extending the no contact period? obviously a present is too much to send her I get that, but would you recommend I send her a card, or would it be best to send nothing at all? thanks for your help.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You can send a short text. Nothing more.

      Reply
    • Fred

      Do I still go and send her a letter on the last day of no contact? or leave it for a bit longer?

      Reply
  • Jake

    Hi there Kevin, i just finished the no contact, so i used one of those "reminder" kind of message, and not expecting any replies. But it went better than expected... It went something like this: ( Me: Hey, i might go this month to "random place" for the music festival and it reminded me that you said you are going to that trip in "random country". Hope everything is going well! ; Her: Yeah, well im already here in "random country", and about the music festival, i will consider it, but now i shall see if i can manage my time ). So basically she took it as an invitation (even though i wasnt aiming for this). The problem is that the festival is going to happen pretty soon, so should i text her smoothly like you said so or should i speed it up a little ? And if it happens to come with her new boyfriend, should i be natural/friendly and open or should i be friendly/neutral and a little distant to him ? Also, how should i reply/react if she says that cant/doesnt want to come to the festival anymore ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jake,

      I don't think you should push it. Since it wasn't a definitive yes, let the ball be in her court. You can send her a reminder a few days before the festival, but don't expect much. Besides that, just take things slow.

      Reply
  • Sharon

    How do you handle the "I need to get my stuff back" text and scenario. I don't really want my ex back (at least for now as I'm moving away for a while). But, I would like to be friends with him in the future, and don't want to injure that chance by handling it poorly.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Sharon,

      Just text your ex exactly what you want. "Hey, I hope you are doing well. I am texting you because I need some of my stuff back. I hope it's not a problem if I come over to get it. If you are uncomfortable with me coming over, let me know and we will figure out some other way."

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Kevin,
    I contacted my ex to meet her shortly. I told her it would be just a drink, no serious talk. But she seemed to misunderstand my intentions. She rejected it for a trivial reason. Now what would be the best move for me? I think I would be seen as a desperate guy if again I tell her let's meet.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yup. You should do no contact again. What was her reason for rejecting?

      Reply
    • Daniel

      She said she has to prepare for a test. But I could feel that was just an excuse and she was trying to avoid me. I was kind of shocked because she met me if I asked so before I started no contact. I also heard from her friend that she recently asked her friend if she knows a guy for a blind date. Actually, I was planning to give her a letter and a little present on her birthday, which is 2 weeks from now. I'm worried she would not want to meet me on that day too. Maybe if that day doesn't work out well I should prepare to move on, right?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Daniel,

      If she is making excuses to meet up it's because she doesn't feel an attraction or connection to you anymore. I recommend doing no contact for another month and trying again. This time, build up rapport over text or phone call before asking her out. Don't ask her to meet you on her birthday and don't give her a letter or a gift yet.

      Reply
  • Jennifer Sara Parvinpour

    My husband cheated on me and asked for the divorce. I don't believe or know if he is with the other woman. I asked him if he still wanted to be friends after our divorce is final (there is no stopping it). He said that he would like that and sees no problem being friendly after the paperwork is signed so there's no pressure. Last time I spoke to him was 7 weeks ago and haven't initiated contact since papers aren't signed. However, he didn't even email me happy birthday which hurt. Do I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Jennifer,

      I think you should focus on moving on. There might be a chance but it's a long shot. Even if there was a chance, it would take maybe more than a year so you will have to be very patient.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi Kevin,
    after this NC period, I think I'm going to meet her soon.
    I want to ask you if it is better to tell her about my feelings on the first time I meet her than just hanging out with her like a friend don't talk about my feelings.
    I personally want to now approach as a good friend and build some trust (we also meet at school sometimes).
    I am worried if I don't tell her my feelings, she might misunderstand my intention by thinking that I am desperate and I want to get her back.
    But I am also concerned that she would think the same even though I tell her that I am not desperate and it's just that I want to be a friend for now.
    May I ask you what the best option would be?

    Thank you.

    Reply
  • Ann

    My broke up with me over a miss understanding and I messed up by trying to text and fix things. But it didn't work. So we stayed friends but then he stopped talking to me and I sent him texts asking if we could talk and he didn't reply so after a week I told him I needed to get over him that I was taking him off all communication and that when I was ready I would let him know and that ot would be up to him to continue our friendship but after a while I sent him a text saying I was ok and was it ok for js to be friends, but he still hasn't replied to any texts, so I stopped texting him. So what should I do now ?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Ann,

      You must do no contact for at least a coupe of months before texting him again. Since you have already texted him a lot, you should use some other means of communication to re-initiate contact when you are ready.

      Reply
  • Rae

    My ex Broke up with me the beginning of May, I consider his disappearance as a breakup we officially broke up one week after that. He told me to he doesn't want anything to do with me and not to contact him. He felt as though I was too needy and that was about it. Everything else about our relationship was as best as we could because we are both working professionals that devote many hours to our our career. 90% of our conversations were via text, texting in the morning or around early evening. We saw each other 2-4 times each month depending on work schedules.
    Ten (10) days post the breakup he called several times and I didn't answer then because he kept calling I gave in a answered his call he said he was calling to see if I'm ok, I responded quickly yes and ended the conversation in 30 seconds. Since then he has called on two (2) separate occasions I haven't answered any of those calls. He's a great guy and we bonded in so many ways and I admitted to my shortcomings and worked on them during the six months we dated. 3 weeks prior to breaking up he even asked me to make the decision of being with him, taking the next steps in our relationship. I don't know how to approach this situation and I'm not certain about the no contact rule, because I have not attempted to contact him since, all contact has been him and I've only responded once. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Rae,

      You've done well since the breakup. But if you keep being aloof you will never get him back. You should contact him whenever you are ready and start rebuilding connection with him.

      Reply
  • Daniel

    How should I do if my ex doesn't initiate conversation and keeps expects me to initiate the conversation after my first text right after no contact period? Should I just wait and let her go if she does not contact me first?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Daniel,

      You should keep initiating contact but you should make the conversation more personal and more interesting as time goes by.

      Reply
  • Devon

    Hey Kevin,

    My SO broke up with me but we stayed in contact for a couple days. Was even willing to meet up and talk. A week later i was angry and told her to stay out of my life. I'm just coming to the end of no contact and wondering If i should send the elephant in the room text or stick with the memory text. I know she still loves me because she told me when we broke up. what are your thoughts?

    Reply
  • Sai Vidhya

    Hi there,

    So my very first boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago because i was too controlling, easily got jealous, and I was irrational which led to many fights.

    I do love him very much, and I do realise all my mistakes. We both still have feelings and deeply care for each other, and he even suggested for us to be best friends, and he even said that just because things wont work out now, doesnt mean it wouldn't in future. He even told me I mean alot to him and he still wants me in his life.

    We are currently on no contact for 3 weeks, and i'll be meeting him right after it ends at his younger sister's ballet recital. Yes his family loves me very much and i still do want to be there for them.

    Its okay for both me and him to catch up over some coffee after the event right? Or what do you suggest we do? We are super duper close and we do trust each other with everything. Texting and all isnt a problem.

    I hope to hear from you soon, and i do appreciate all the advice on this site!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you should catch up over coffee. You should also have made quite a few changes which he can notice when you meet.

      Reply
  • Zero

    My age: 26 (Chinese American)
    Her age: 20 (Non-American Korean)
    3 months dating, however she knew I liked her for over 2 years.

    I sent the "Elephant in the Room" text. She read it but didn't respond back. I still see her at my workplace once/twice a week where she avoids me like the plague. She is also leaving the country on vacation within the next 30 months for approximately a month and a half.

    We broke up about 5 months ago... and I also have been seeing her at work once/twice a week since then. I made a mistake by sending her very expensive flowers on Valentine's Day and when I saw her later that week, I tried to talk to her and she responded very angrily by saying why are you doing this to me and that I'm still thinking about myself. She said she changed her mind and she was okay with the awkward tension between us during work. She later texted me and told me to stop trying to text her or talk to her and that we can't be friends until I get over her.

    We haven't talked since, we just see each other at work and ignore each other (2.5 months). Recently, I made her coffee and she smiled and said thank you. Because I was caught off guard, I said "thank you" back instead of saying "you're welcome." I texted her later that night and told her that I meant to say you're welcome, hoped she got home safe and said good night. She said it was fine and good night back.

    The next week, it went back to the way it was where she ignored me like every other week. She probably didn't want to lead me on. That's when I sent the Elephant text a few weeks later. Not sure if I should follow-up or leave it as it is and restart no-contact.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Zero,

      It's probably a good idea to do no contact for a month before you try to rebuild attraction. You should not expect a response to the elephant in the room text. Now it's time to show her that you really mean it when you said you've accepted the breakup.

      Reply
  • Jane

    My ex broke up with me five months ago. It started as a pause (we were having a bad time) but...we live in different cities (but near) but he hated the distance and...I guess he convinced himself that its for the best. After a time of him almost ignoring me, I decided to go No Contact and after that, we started to text each other, just funny stuff and shared interests. I was trying to gain him back but... A week ago he got obsessed with another girl. He is like blinsided, even if she has a boyfriend (I think she is using my ex) and lives on he other side of the country (they met online and I can read lots of things, that's how I know he has a huge crush, he is acting like never before, like he is "bewitched").
    I'm not texting him until he text me again (if this happens...I am hopeless). We have a chat group with common friends so we read each other all the time, but...
    I don't know what to do, this crush of him is breaking me, I am suffering a lot and I want him back, what can I do?

    Reply
  • Dan

    Hi Kevin,

    So in a gay, long distance relationship for six years. Every time he tried to end it in the past I was acting needy/desperate and he stayed. He ended it last week as he wants to see other people. This time instead of marching up there, I sent him a message saying that I cannot be in his lift right now whilst he is seeing other people and not to contact me unless he is serious about us, but that I could not guarantee it would not be too late by then as I would not wait.

    A week later (last thursday) I texted him saying that now we have both had time to cool off, maybe we should catch up in a month and just see where we are. He texted back straight away saying it sounded good to him and that we should catch up in June. I agreed.

    I am not sure if I have ruined the whole no-contact thing as he now knows we wont talk for a month? Therefore I am torn as to whether to be the one to contact him after a month or to let him contact me first? I worry that if I contact him first it will make it seem as though I am doing all the chasing again (even after I work on myself for a month and I am different) but that if I do not initiate contact after a month, I will leave it too late and lose him.

    What do you think?
    Dan

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Dan,

      No, you have not ruined no contact by telling him about it. You can wait till mid June for him to contact you. If he doesn't then you can should contact him.

      Reply
  • Margaret Gesare

    Hey your article has really helped me out after breaking up with my boyfriend n l have learned how to get him back though he told me not to text him again after we break up

    Reply

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