I spent days perfecting the text I wanted to send my ex. I wrote exactly how I felt about our relationship. How he made me feel loved. How he was the person I always wanted to be with.
I wrote in detail exactly what I loved about him and how he was special. And then, I wrote how I would fight for this relationship and make it work if he would give me another chance.
I obsessed over each word and carefully planned each line in the text. I probably edited it over a hundred times before coming to the final version.
It was a heartfelt text. Very romantic. Something I would have loved to receive. When you read it, you would know I poured my heart and soul into it. I was sure it would at least make him reconsider his decision. So I sent it.
The text I got in return felt like an office email. It was cold. And it made me feel like he just didn’t care about anything I said in my text. He probably wrote it in a minute with no second thought. He replied, “I appreciate you being honest and vulnerable with me. But at this point, I think it’s best that we both go our separate ways.”
There was more in his reply. But this was the gist of it. He made up his decision. And there was no changing it.
It hurt like hell and I felt like an idiot for putting myself out there. And honestly, a part of me still feels like an idiot for sending that text. But at least I didn’t have to wonder what if.
My only regret is that I hope I waited and healed before sending that text. Maybe I would have stopped putting him on a pedestal. Because when I reread that text now, I am sure I was seeing him through rose colored glasses.
And I really deserve someone much better than him who treats me with respect and admiration. The funny thing is, I found someone like that exactly one year after I sent that text. And now, I can’t even imagine going back to that ex because I know what a healthy, amazing relationship feels like.
And that’s my advice to someone who hopes to send a text to their ex with the intention of getting them back. Take some time to heal and think if they are really worth it. Because there’s a good chance you are seeing your ex through rose colored glasses. And even if you are sure you want to get them back, don’t pour your heart out like I did. Take it slow and don’t overwhelm your ex with everything you want to say. Be honest, but keep things light.
And never, ever, ever let someone treat you with disrespect. My current partner always makes me a priority and treats me with respect and that’s something everyone deserves.
(Note – The experience above was co-authored by Dee, a reader from years ago. Kevin’s article continues below.)
How To Get Your Ex Back Fast By Using Text Messages?
There are a few different approaches you can take if you want to get your ex back via text messages. Here’s a gist of them –
1. Direct Approach – Just send them a text telling them how you feel about them and how you would like to get back together. It’s straightforward. But if they’ve made up their mind about breaking up with you, there’s a high chance it won’t change their mind. Like in the case of Dee, you will either get a polite no or no response at all. But it’s a good way to get things off your chest and move on with your life.
2. Friendly Approach – A lot of people try to remain friends with their ex, try to act casual and hope that this will eventually lead them to getting back together. But in my experience, this approach can backfire because you aren’t giving yourself enough time to heal from the breakup. It can delay the healing and as a result, keep you in the breakup pain longer than necessary.
3. Text Only After You’ve Healed Approach – This is the approach I recommend to everyone at Ex Back Permanently. You want to take a lot of time for yourself to heal from the breakup. And if you still have a strong desire to try to get them back, then go ahead and text them. I mostly recommend a semi-direct approach (aka The Elephant in The Room Text) where you express your desire to reconnect with no pressure. And then gradually build up connection and attraction through subsequent interactions and meetings.
Remember, your ex is unique. Your situation is unique. So what works for someone else may not work for you. What’s healthy for someone else, may not be healthy for you. A text that worked for someone else may not work for you. While a part of you may want to try to get your ex back as soon as possible, it’s always better to think about your situation before doing anything.
This is why my recommendation, in most cases, is to do nothing to try to get your ex back. Focus on yourself and heal. If you still want them back after you’ve healed, then approach it from a place of confidence and honesty. Unsurprisingly, this is the approach that is most effective in getting your ex back in a healthy relationship.
I teach this approach in my guide on getting your ex back. This guide will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to work on building a strong foundation with the right strategy.
Best Guide On Getting An Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Best Guide On Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Find Out Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Back [Extremely Accurate]
This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages at the right time. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.
This guide has five parts.
- When you should text your ex
- The Basics of texting your ex
- Texting your ex for the first time
- Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
- Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date
Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend If You Want Them Back?
Before you text your ex, you must first understand why and when you should text your ex. The reason you are texting your ex and when you text your ex is extremely important if you are trying to get your ex back using text messages.
A good way to do that is by asking yourself the following questions.
- Why are you texting your ex?
- Why do you want to get back together?
- Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
Should I Text My Ex?
In most cases, you should only text your ex if you want them back and you feel it’s possible to have a healthy and long lasting relationship with them.
I usually, don’t recommend you text your ex if you want to get closure. Texting your ex to get closure is a waste of your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.
Of course, there are other scenarios, where you may want to text your ex to apologize, or to just reconnect. I’ve written a more in-depth article on whether or not you should text your ex based on your current situation. So if you have some doubts, I recommend you read that.
But before you text your ex to try to get them back, understand that it’s important to text them at the right time with the right mindset. If you are still needy or desperate after a breakup, then texting them is not going to help you.
In most cases, I recommend you do 3-4 weeks of no contact before texting your ex. By doing no contact correctly, you will get rid of the neediness and desperation and you will start becoming confident again.
If after enough time has passed, and you still feel that you and your ex had something special, then you should seriously think about what has changed since the breakup and why would it be a good idea to get back together.
Recommended Reading: Should You Get Back With Your Ex – 6 Steps To Find Out
Again, don’t text your ex out of desperation or a sudden impulse. If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Try to understand why both of you grew apart and broke up. And figure out how you can change or fix that before texting you ex.
To understand the full strategy, read the 5 step plan to get your ex back permanently.
If you are still unsure about texting your ex, read – Should I Text My Ex? – A Breakdown to Help You Make an Informed Decision.
The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then, you will be ready to contact your ex.
Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back
Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.
Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.
- Make them crave your text.
- They should be excited to receive a text from you.
- They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
- Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
- Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
- Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
- Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).
To achieve that, you must remember the golden rule.
The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.
Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.
You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.
If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.
How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.
You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.
I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.
Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.
To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.
You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.
If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.
What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?
Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.
You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.
The Frequency of Texting.
Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.
You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?
That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.
If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.
But if you start with just one text message and slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.
It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.
How Often Should I Text My Ex?
Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.
- Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
- Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
- Day 3: Same as Day 2.
- Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
- Day 5: Same as Day 2
- Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 8: Same as Day 6.
- Day 9: Same as Day 7.
- Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
- Day 11: Same as Day 6
- Day 12: Same as Day 7
- Day 13: Same as Day 7
- Day 14: Same as Day 10
Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.
Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation
If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.
Miscommunication
Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.
This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.
Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant. A lot of times, people search for signs that their ex still loves them, and while it may be helpful to understand these signs, it’s always better to speak to your ex honestly to understand how they feel.
Negativity
Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.
1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.
2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.
3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.
If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.
For example,
I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.
I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.
For example,
Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.
You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.
Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,
It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.
You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?
Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.
WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?
There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?
It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and Viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.
Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.
Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact
Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.
What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?
Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.
When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.
The Memory Text.
This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.
For example,
Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?
Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?
You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.
For example,
Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?
The Advice Text
One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.
The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.
But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.
For example,
Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?
Sure.
See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.
We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]
Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.
Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?
This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice.
Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.
Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.
The Elephant in the Room Text.
What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?
If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of
“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”
You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about the latest TikTok trend as if nothing ever happened.
If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.
You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.
How do you go about it?
You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.
1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup
2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed
3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)
Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)
According to Gwendolyn Seidman, an associate psychology professor at Albright College, a casual text to your ex asking how they’re doing may feel kind of fishy (unless it’s during a pandemic). Your ex may interpret it as you trying to hook up for short term amusement.
But an “Elephant in the Room” text feels genuine and sincere because it addresses the past in a way that your ex will most likely appreciate.
Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I’ve created a free report that includes 5 Elephant In The Room Texts you can use. You can download this report by clicking here and subscribing to our emails.
Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.
Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.
You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.
The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.
Here’s how you go about doing this.
1. Building Attraction with text messages
You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?
Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?
What do they mean by that?
Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.
But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.
It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.
Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.
For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.
And suppose you sent them a text like this.
“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”
Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?
When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.
On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.
“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”
Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.
You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.
But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.
“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”
That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.
But you can do something like this.
You will not believe what just happened.
What?
My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.
How To Get Your Ex To Text You First?
In the long run, it doesn’t matter who texts whom first. As long as your ex replies to you and they are warm whenever you both text each other, you shouldn’t worry about who is texting first.
But in the short run, if your ex initiates contact with you, it shows that what you have been doing to re-attract them has been working. And it may give you a little bit of motivation to know that your ex likes speaking to you enough to text you first.
To get your ex to text you first, do the following,
1) Make sure that you have actually done no contact, worked on your confidence, made a lot of positive changes and are doing this for the right reasons.
In most cases, if you have made a lot of positive changes, they will show interest by texting you first.
2) If you feel your ex is cold to you, back off for at least two weeks.
For example, suppose you text them at 3 PM and they reply back to you 10 PM with an unenthusiastic message, it’s obvious that they are cold and not interested in speaking to you.
The best way to handle this is not to push it further to try to understand why they are being cold. Instead, just back off for at least two weeks.
By backing off, you are showing them you are not desperate and if they are not interested in speaking to you, you won’t push them to speak to you.
In most cases, an ex will reach out to you once they realize that you are not pushing them and you are not needy anymore.
3) Give them something to look forward to.
One way to get your ex to text you first is by giving them something to look forward to. Give them an open loop in the middle of a texting conversation.
For example, you can tell them that you are hoping to get some exciting news soon and then wait for them to ask about it. For example,
You know the DNA test I did last month? I am going to get the results tomorrow around noon. I am so excited about it. I always wanted to know my ancestry.
Yeah, I remember. Must be nice to finally get the results. A month is a long wait.
I know right. But I am glad the wait is finally over. I wonder if you are right about me not really being Chinese… 😛
Haha. I won’t be surprised if I was right. You don’t even like Noodle Soup.
Next Day…
So, did you get the result yet? Was I right about you?
Lol. Sorry to disappoint you but my ancestors were mainly from East Asia.
Take note that these tactics can only help a little bit in getting your ex to text you first. If your ex has been cold towards you, it’s not going to work.
So, make sure that you have done enough no contact and you have worked on becoming a confident person before ending no contact.
And if your ex is still cold, back off and give them some more space and time before trying again.
2. Building connection and trust using text messages
You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.
Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone
There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.
But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.
So how do you capitalize on that?
You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.
I know what you are thinking.
I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?
Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.
This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.
Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?
I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.
Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.
Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.
And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.
Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.
See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.
Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.
- Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.
- Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.
- Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)
- Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.
- When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.
- Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.
Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.
Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?
Sure
If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?
Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.
You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?
I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.
From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.
A Note on Rebuilding Trust
If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.
You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.
Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date
Phone Calls
Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.
I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.
For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.
And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.
LMAO
Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?
sure
*you call your ex*
See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).
You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.
Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.
Asking them out
Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.
Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.
In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.
Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?
Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,
I am not sure if that’s a good idea.
Come on. It’s just coffee.
Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.
It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.
If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.
If you’ve read so far into the article, I would just like to remind you again that texts are just a tool. And they are not a replacement for actually doing self-improvement, working on your issues that lead to the breakup and being honest.
—> You can’t fake your way into a healthy and long lasting relationship.
This is why I highly recommend you look into our resources that will help you achieve the right mindset, help you heal and get your ex back permanently. Find my most recommended resources below.
Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back Quiz – EBP Basics Quiz: This is a thoughtfully designed quiz that I’ve used 13 years of experience to formulate. It will tell you your chances of getting your ex back with great accuracy. And if your chances are more than 15%, you get the chance to subscribe to the EBP Basics Email course that helps you heal and prepare yourself to get your ex bacck by sending you an email everyday. Hundreds of thousands of people have been helped by this free email course. Check out our testimonials over here.
How To Get Your Ex Back – 5 Step Plan: This article lays out the best strategy to get your ex back in an easily digestible format.
EBP Advanced System – This is a paid course that gives you a step by step system to heal from the breakup and get your ex back in a healthy relationship. It also comes with 5 conversations that you will eventually have with your ex to get back together. And an Advanced Healing Worksheets email course that helps you heal from the breakup faster and more efficiently.
Do Couples Get Back Together Study – This is a unique study we conducted of more than 3500 participants to find out how many of them managed get their ex back and keep them. The results are fascinating and very insightful. Reading this article will give you a realistic view of your chances and what helped people most in getting back together (Spoiler: It’s something I’ve been talking about from the starting of this article).
Hi , i loved the article , i especially love how detailed it is, like theres an answer to everything almost. I just wanted to ask How long of a no contact should i go on? Me. and my ex dated for exactly 3 years and before that we were best friends for almost 2 years . We really loved each other and maybe still do.. but things happened.. a lot of fights and jealousy and misunderstandings and anger and we broke up on our 3rd year anniversary , since the fight ive been on no contact after he blocked me (but just on instagram) its been 2 and half weeks and he unblocked and even texted me today, but im trying to stay strong to end my no contact period , but im not sure till when should i continue the no contact in my case?
You can go over our article on No Contact first if you have not yet done so, in order to better figure out the most suitable time frame you should be considering in your case. Generally speaking, it should be done for as long as is required to at least properly process your emotions and heal from the breakup.