Text messages are one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back. But you must use them correctly or you might end up losing your ex forever.
This in-depth guide will tell you how to use text messages correctly (with examples) when you are trying to win your ex back.
Why text messages and how you can use them to get your ex back?
If you call your ex all of a sudden, they will probably think that you want something from them.
If you send your ex an email, it’ll be impossible to have a conversation with them. This makes it look like you don’t want to speak with them, alluding to the conclusion that you want to move on or you just want closure.
But a text message has the right amount of ambiguity. It leaves enough doubt for your ex to wonder what is going on with you and why you are contacting them. This curiosity gives you a unique opportunity to make them attracted to you again. To build rapport. To build trust.
But there’s a catch. You can’t just text anything to your ex and expect them to start feeling attracted to you. Would you feel attracted to someone who texted you something like this?
Hey, I still want you back. Please come back to me
Or
“I don’t think I can ever find someone like you. Please come back.”
Or
“I am sorry for cheating on you with your best friend. I’ll never do it again. Please come back.”
You cannot simply send them anything that comes to your mind. In fact, if you text your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend the wrong way, you will most likely turn them off and make them lose attraction, connection and trust. And that’s where I come in.
My name is Kevin Thompson and I’ve been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. Over the years, texting has become an important tool to reconnect with your ex after a breakup. So I decided to create the ultimate guide for the art of using text messages to get your ex back.
This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.
This guide has five parts.
- When you should text your ex
- The Basics of texting your ex
- Texting your ex for the first time
- Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
- Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date
In case you’ve not yet read our guide on getting your ex back, you should go ahead and do so [it’s free]. This will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to know about a lot of things other than texting.
Guide On Getting Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Guide On Getting Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Alright, now that you’ve read the article and are ready to get your ex back permanently. Let’s start.
Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend?
Before you text your ex, you must have answers to a few very specific questions.
- Why are you texting your ex?
- Why do you want to get back together?
- Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
If you’ve just broken up and landed on this article, then there’s a good chance that your answers to the above questions will be something like this.
Why are you texting your ex?
- Because I want to get my ex back.
- Because I miss my ex.
- Because I just want to speak to them.
- Because I have a few questions and I want closure.
Why do you want to get back together?
- Because I love my ex.
- Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
- This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.
Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
- Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
- Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.
What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
- I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
- I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
- I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.
Now, I am not sure if you see what’s wrong with these answers, so let me analyze them for you and tell you why answers like these show that you are not ready to contact your ex.
Why are you texting your ex?
- Because I want to get my ex back.
- Because I miss my ex.
- Because I just want to speak to them.
- Because I have a few questions and I want closure.
Analyzing Answers:
You should only text your ex if you want them back.
If you are texting them to get closure, you are just wasting your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.
It will not give you closure and it will certainly not help you get over them. If you are texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend because you miss them, then it will just make you look needy and desperate and it will make them not want to text you.
Why do you want to get back together?
- Because I love my ex.
- Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
- This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.
Analyzing Answers:
Do you notice how all the above answers are about what you want and not your ex or your relationship?
Why would this work if your ex doesn’t love you, if your ex can live without you, and if the breakup is not as painful for them as it is for you?
None of those reasons are good enough for your ex to even consider getting back together.
But let’s just focus on yourself for a moment. Are these reasons good enough for you to want them back?
Sure, you love your ex now, but you can move on and start loving someone again.
After all, everyone in this world has the capability to move on from a breakup and start loving someone again. It’s the way humans are built.
Sure, you feel the breakup pain is too much for you right now. But studies after studies have shown that you can recover from a breakup. With time and proper care, you heal and start feeling better, happier, and more confident.
Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
- Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
- Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.
Analyzing Answers:
Again, all these reasons are focused on you and not really give an incentive for your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to want to get back together.
In fact, reasons like this show that you are just focused on yourself and don’t really care about what your ex wants. They also show that you are insecure and needy.
Why would they get back together with someone who is so selfish and insecure?
But, I will do anything to get back together. How is that selfish?
Just because you will do anything doesn’t mean your reasons for getting back together are altruistic. Let’s look at your answers to the third question.
What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
- I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
- I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
- I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.
Analyzing Answers:
If you can realize your mistakes now and can stop yourself from making them again, why didn’t you do it while you still had your ex?
If it was so easy to stop making mistakes, then you wouldn’t have let your ex leave you in the first place.
In reality, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to make real changes in your behavior and habits. It takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to stop making your insecurity and neediness affect your relationship. In a lot of cases, it takes professional help to let go of the bad habits that ruin your love life and relationships.
In fact, if you just broke up, then there’s a good chance you don’t really understand the real reason you broke up. Take this quiz to help you understand why you broke up and what are your chances of getting back together.
If you just broke up, your ex has no reason to believe things will be different this time. And they will have no reason to want to try again.
If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Again, read the 5 step plan to learn how to do that.
The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then you will be ready to contact your ex.
Of course, you should also do no contact before you text them. You can also send them a short email or a hand written letter before you decide to text them for the first time. More about no contact, the email and the hand written letter can be found in the 5 step plan to get your ex back.
Should you text your ex on their birthday or special occasions?
If you are doing no contact, then you should avoid texting your ex during birthdays or any other special occasions. Texting them on birthdays or special occasions does not accomplish anything. Moreover, they might feel like you are using the special occasion to get back in touch with them. And that will make you look desperate.
If you really want to wish them on birthdays or on a special occasion, it is best to keep the text short and to the point. For example, a birthday text should be something like this.
Hey, Happy Birthday!. I hope you have a great year ahead.
You should not use the text to start a conversation. For example, this text is not recommended when you wish them birthday.
Hey, Happy Birthday. I have been missing you. How have you been?
See, this text makes it obvious that you are using your ex’s birthday to start a conversation with them. This will turn them off and make them not want to talk to you.
What if my ex’s birthday fall at the end of no contact?
In this situation, I recommend that you extend no contact for another week or two. You can wish them on their birthday but you should still stick to the script and keep the conversation short.
What if my ex wants to speak to me after I wish them?
If they respond to you asking a question, answer to them in an upbeat manner but don’t give them anything to extend the conversation.
For example,
Thank you. How have you been?
I have been doing well. Thank you for asking.
Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back
Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics, follow a few templates and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.
Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.
- Make them crave your text.
- They should be excited to receive a text from you.
- They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
- Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
- Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
- Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
- Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).
To achieve that, you must remember the golden rule. The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.
Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.
You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.
If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.
How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.
You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.
I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.
Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.
To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.
You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.
If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.
What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?
Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.
You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.
The Frequency of Texting.
Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.
You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?
That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.
If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.
But if you start with just one text message and slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.
It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.
OK Kevin, but how do I do that?
Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.
- Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
- Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
- Day 3: Same as Day 2.
- Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
- Day 5: Same as Day 2
- Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 8: Same as Day 6.
- Day 9: Same as Day 7.
- Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
- Day 11: Same as Day 6
- Day 12: Same as Day 7
- Day 13: Same as Day 7
- Day 14: Same as Day 10
Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.
Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation
If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.
Miscommunication
Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.
This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.
Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant.
Negativity
Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.
1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.
2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.
3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.
If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.
For example,
I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.
I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.
For example,
Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.
You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.
Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,
It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.
You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?
Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.
WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?
There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?
It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.
Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.
Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact
Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.
What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?
Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.
When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.
The Memory Text.
This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.
For example,
Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?
Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?
You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.
For example,
Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?
The Advice Text
One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.
The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.
But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.
For example,
Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?
Sure.
See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.
We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]
Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.
Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?
This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice. Here’s another example using the same template.
Hey, my friend just started cooking and he asked me a weird question. I am totally confused. Can I ask you about it?
OK
Is it okay to add onions when I am cooking a steak?
Umm, if it’s a good quality steak, it’s probably best not to add any onions. But if you want to experiment, go ahead.
Thanks. I love how you are so good at cooking anything. And I loved the chili you made for me that day. Where did you learn to make it?
Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.
Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.
The Elephant in the Room Text.
What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?
If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of
“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”
You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about how Jon Snow knew nothing in the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
I am not obsessed with Jon Snow. I just haven’t watched the latest season yet. (No spoilers in the comment section.)
If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.
You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.
How do you go about it?
You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.
1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup
2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed
3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)
Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)
Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I am still working on a report that will list all these templates. If you are interested in the report, just take the quiz and subscribe to the Ex Back Permanently Basics series. I’ll notify you whenever the report is complete.
Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.
Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.
You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.
The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.
Here’s how you go about doing this.
1. Building Attraction with text messages
You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?
Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?
What do they mean by that?
Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.
But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.
It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.
Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.
For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.
And suppose you sent them a text like this.
“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”
Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?
When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.
On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.
“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”
Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.
You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.
But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.
“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”
That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.
But you can do something like this.
You will not believe what just happened.
What?
My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.
2. Building connection and trust using text messages
You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.
Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone
There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.
But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.
So how do you capitalize on that?
You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.
I know what you are thinking.
I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?
Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.
This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.
Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?
I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.
Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.
Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.
And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.
Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.
See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.
Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.
– Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.
– Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.
– Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)
– Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.
– When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.
– Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.
Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.
Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?
Sure
If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?
Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.
You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?
I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.
From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.
A Note on Rebuilding Trust
If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.
You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.
Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date
Phone Calls
Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.
I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.
For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.
And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.
LMAO
Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?
sure
*you call your ex*
See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).
You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.
Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.
Asking them out
Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.
Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.
In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.
Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?
Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,
I am not sure if that’s a good idea.
Come on. It’s just coffee.
Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.
It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.
If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.
So if you get a few replies but then she stops replying, should I just wait a few days before trying again or what’s the game plan if they stop replying?
He and I have been broken up for two years or so now. But I’ve been forced to stay in the same house with him, so no contact is very hard to do. I stay busy by working, but he texts me everyday as he sees me as a close friend, but his feelings for me are complicated. I recently moved myself into a different room to try to separate myself as much as possible and it seemed to upset him. What can I do to show him I’m more compatible for him than anyone else he would even try to be with? He told me when he was with me was the happiest he’s ever been. Things feel so complicated, and I truly feel inside that he has been hiding and suppressing his feelings for me as he tends to flip flop between wanting to be with me and just wanting to be friends.
If you think he is currently conflicted on how he feels, then you’ll just have to help sway his decision and be certain that he wants you, based on your actions you do to win him over and prove to him that you’re a worthwhile choice.
My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. She had been trying to break up with me for a few months but each time I would beg and she would come back and we would have a period of time in which we were normal and in love and then again she would try break up. This time I begged her to give me another chance and that I realized what was wrong and I would work on it. But she was determined this time. So I decided not to trouble her anymore and to just let her go. I plan on not to contact her for a period of 2 weeks and then to start texting her again. I have truely realized my mistakes.
How bad is my case ?? What should I do ??
Use this article for guidelines on how to go about no contact, and follow the steps in this article on what you should do after that. I would recommend a longer period of no contact, possibly a month instead of 2 weeks.
Hello, i was in a relationship with my ex for more than a year, but we weren’t in an official relationship. This was because of me that i have so much in my mind going on that i dont know when is the right timing to officially get together, and some more to me we were already treating each other like we were each others’ so i didnt take the official thing seriously and it maybe actually important to him that i did not admit him publicly. When he started to feel like there’s problems between us he didn’t speak out to discuss with me but he just keep them with himself until one day he was tired of it, He said that he dont know how to continue our relationship and he doesn’t love me as much and couldn’t treat me like a girlfriend anymore, We have separated for more than a month, i did used pity and tell him how much i love him and etc which I shouldn’t do. I asked for the reason why, he said that we weren’t suitable for each other and how we think and some of our point of view differs. I’ve started the no contact for few days. I just wanted to know does he still have feelings for me inside eventhough he is treating me cold now? And how to make him to think differently that we could discuss our problems and make things work?
There could be various reasons leading to his decision of wanting to end the relationship, and it may not even have necessarily been the fact that you weren’t officially together. Sometimes, there may have been other underlying reasons such or he simply got bored of the relationship, which led to him feel this way. It also depends on how seriously he viewed the two of you as a couple, and until you have a clearer idea on all these aspects, it would be hard to say whether he still has feelings for you inside or not.
How could i get him back? Do i continue NC and contact him after?
I ended NC 1 week ago, first thing my ex told me is she is single. I Ended convo quickly. Next day she asked to meet me before I move away in 2 months. I waited 4 days and replied, lying that I already moved to see her reaction. She freaked out and said that I don’t have the right not to meet her one last time before I go. Am I in a good position to win her back? (I was dumped 3 months ago cause I took her for granted)
Well, I don’t know how she would take to you lying to her to test her, as it may result in her getting angry with you. Otherwise, it seems that she is still emotionally affected by you and definitely has certain feelings for you, but it may not be at the stage where she wants a relationship yet.
so I was trying to be cheeky and we were sorta talking on and off, and we had had a really nice phone call a few days before, so I told her that I was just finding excuses to text her because I wanted to talk to her and then added ‘maybe I should feel bad because I know it’s soooo hard to get over me’ and I think it was poorly recieved because she never replied and still hasn’t replied and it’s been like four days now so I guess I’m in no contact finally. Probably for the better. Our relationship wasn’t bad but I think we both know we should give each other space, time to think, and time to grow, and I’m hoping I didn’t mess things up by sending that text. She told me on the phone call a few days before that talking to me is making it ‘hard to get over me’
We broke up mutually but I’m hoping that there’s a future, I told her that and she seemed to agree, but said that now just isn’t a good time. I just don’t want to screw things over for good because I know we’re just young and dumb and we really weren’t incompatible.
Time and space right now as you’ve mentioned, would probably be a good thing, especially if the relationship has been put on a strain for awhile already. At least the time apart would help unwind that aspect of things, and will allow for a fresh start again down the road.
I’m still thinking about how to break the ice with my ex after no contact! Is a text about some good news you got a good idea to start a conversation? I got accepted to a program that (when we were together) he helped me apply and study for. I wanted to text him with the good news, and lightly thank him for his support during the appliance. What do you think?
It sounds like a good idea. At least it relates to him on some aspect and may be a topic worth continuing the conversation depending on what he thinks of you (positively or negatively) at this point.
hello,we were talking with my ex,he wrote me 2-3days,even i if i replied lately,he wrote 2nd messages,but now i see that he barely writes,dont want to bored him but what should I?i dont understand him
Hi, here is my story. Been with my girlfriend for four months. She is a single mum of two children 8 and 6. Im older and my kids are independent. Fell in love with her and her me. I had known her for 12 months previous and there was always a connection. The pressure point was her time. As a single guy i had lots of it, she didnt. The four months was fantastic. The wobbly times was when her worked backed up on her. She had a day job of 25 hours and helped with websites in the evening. When we were together and doing things that couples do it was great, however, back to work and the emails in the evening alwsys threw her into a spin with stress etc. I have met her children and went out for days, and she loved it. There was great chemistry, and always talked about her day. I suppirted her. One weekend she was away to see her friends, she text me and I her asking if she was having a good time etc. She couldnt wait to return on sunday to see me.she stayed over and went to work on monday. By wednesday it was all over for her. Too intense, she felt overwhemed, work was getting behind and felt she was not giving her children enogh attention etc. She had no negative views of me at all, and recognised I supported her. Lover her to bits and I am sure she does me. Any help appreciated. She is 44 I am 59. She is ver independent and protective off her independence. Have been texting but nothing negative. Any help appreciated.
In addition I did write to her a few days after she ended it to explain that i understood why she finished and that I was sorry that I didnt recognise the pressures on her. I said that I have never dated a single woman before so it was all new to me.
I have not asked her back only explaned that i understood her situation and circumstances.
Do keep in mind that under these circumstances, there might not be much you can do because these are the conflicts that currently playing out in her own head, and how she copes with them. You can be as supportive as possible, but if she feels overwhelmed and has a poor way of coping with the stress, she would end up dropping the thing she views as easiest to cut off (aka you, compared to her work or her family). Give it some time, and try remaining on a casual but friendly note (you did the right thing by keep communication lines open and not getting needy and desperate). Once she calms down a little on her emotions and realizes that you aren’t actually adding to her stress as initially thought, she may open back up to you again or even walk back into your life.
hello,we are talking again with him,but i am afraid of he can block me again,cause before he did it,what should i do?
Keep the conversation light-hearted and in a casual manner for the start, and avoid going into emotional issues or projecting insecurities onto him for the time being.
I am pacing the text conversations as said. However, everytime i text her she replys immediately and wants the conversation to continue, but she does not text first?
It could simply be that she isn’t used to being the one to initiate but remains happy and excited when you start the conversations. Continue to pace it, and respond accordingly to how she replies – try to match the frequency so that she doesn’t end up thinking you’re either too needy (replying too fast or excitedly) or aren’t interested in continuing the conversation with her (replying too slow).
Here’s my Dilemma, my ex girlfriend broke up with me in April stating she needed space and time to grow (short version). None of this was done out of anger from her she said we could be friends essentially. So I wasn’t happy I was hurt. We text back-and-forth that day she dropped the bomb on me I obliged her wishes. I let three weeks pass ,I contact her via text and ask if we can talk? She responds yes but says not right now she’s out of town and won’t be back till the following week. I contact her the day she was supposed to return to ask what would be a good time to call? So she responded asked if I was trying to get her back? ‘ I said yes/no only because I didn’t want to explain through text. The she says ‘well you know I wasn’t happy’.. what do you want to say ? So I sent an audio message that was an apology and that I didn’t want her out of my life even if we were just friends was cool. After listening she says I Don’t know what to think or how to feel and I’m still out of town. So I say something along the lines well I understand it’s a bit much hit me when you get back. That was April 30th. So I wait till May 2nd And I sent her a text Basically saying but consider giving us another chance but I wasn’t expecting her to jump in a relationship with me ASAP and that I would be willing to start from bare-bones. So she responds and says I still need time to think essentially for me to relax. And I responded with ok. So fast forward I didn’t say anything for the remainder of May and I just recently hit her June 9th. So essentially did no contact . I hit her up using one of the suggested text. So I asked her the name of a place she took me to. She gives me the name and ask if I was taking someone there. I say no just want to go with friends. She responded with cool enjoy. I asked ‘All good with you’ ? She say yea ‘just figuring out life and trying to come out of a bad place. Then says hope all is well with you. Then I say ‘I get you …everything is cool for the most part. Well enjoy your day don’t be too much of a stranger ’. Then she says …ok. Couple hours later a song that she loved came on so I text and told her and said hope your… Read more »
If she didn’t respond to your text, wait another week or two before texting again and starting another topic. You can always use this article as a guideline for a game plan you might want to consider adopting to win her back.
The fact she didn’t respond to the text about the song didn’t bother me. She responded to what I said before that text , it’s the fact she said she trying to come out of a bad place. So I feel I have to be ultra delicate. I have read the article. But I’ll wait like you suggested and try another topic.
Hi , i’ve been in 8 yrs relationship. i can say that our relationship is not perfect but very happy. it face a lot of problem but we choose to fight for it together. but then it gives me a trust issues , even him. i admit i become nagger , i become needy , i always want to talk to him after his work , i become more clingy , espescialy when we become an LDR. Now he broke up with me , his reasons was he want to fix his self, he want to be alone , he want to do things whitout me around him , he also wants me to fix also my self , he wants me to grow , have thime with my family and friends , he also said he wants to know if we’re realy ment for each other , he said that there is no third party he just realy want to be alone .First week of our break up i texted him begging, pleading, promising that i wont do that again ,just give me a chance. etc. but he dont want. now i want to know if there is still a chance that we can go back together ? what do i need to do ?
Use this time to actually focus on yourself like he said but for your own benefit, not his. If he genuinely feels that there were issues and both parties had their shortcomings (after being together for 8 years), perhaps it is time to consider it as well and work on them before trying to contact him again and win him back.
During no contact, I began watching Star Trek: The Next Generation because I knew my ex loved it and it reminded me of him. What I didn’t count on was that I would love it, too. Eventually, when I texted him, I brought up that I had been watching it and it turned into a midday role playing sext. Things have trickled since then, but we live in other cities and he has said that he would like to see me next time he is in town. Not the worst situation to be in, but I’m glad that we still can be in each other’s lives.
hello again,i wrote him,this is conversation
me-Just watched series you told me onceh
him-finally u watched smth worth
me-always i do
him-okey (thinking emoji)
me-good night
him-good night
him-you are muted,thats why i dindt hear notification
(he wrote me lately he muted me on fb)
me-no problems
he read and didnt reply,whats the point?help me please,thank you
I messaged my ex something funny and she responded positively but I find out she made it official with her new boyfriend the same day. She wants to see me, give me a hug, misses my quirks, etc. as I wrap up the conversation. Taking the hit that she has an official boyfriend is a bit of a blow and I don’t know what I can do about her probable confusion especially if I start NC. It’s only been a couple of weeks since our break became our breakup. Should I keep texting her but go even slower than suggested or just go NC? If so, for how long? I know that I can see other people but I’d like to give it another go with her.
If you think that her new boyfriend may be a rebound, you should probably go into NC because the relationship wouldn’t last anyway, and you’ll get your shot if you’re patient and have made improvements to your life. At this point, by adding onto her confusion, she may only end up pushing you away in an attempt to clear that confusion, especially since she’s only just made it official with her new boyfriend.
Hi, so after I broke up with my bf I quickly regretted it and did everything I could to get back with him. I made a ton of mistakes out of desperation. I emailed constantly, called frequently, etc etc. He barely responded to anything I sent and I understand. I looked so needy and He needed space to breathe after I hurt him by asking to break up. I’ve come to terms with it all, my behavior, the break up, his silence, everything. Which is why I haven’t contacted him in weeks. I’m working on me, but I do still hope to get back with him. He’s the man I can’t stop picturing marrying and building a life with…Anyway, the last reply I got from him before I left was to stop sending him letters and that he’d contact me when he could (that day hasn’t come yet). I think he just told me that to get me to stop harassing him, but He did tell me before he’s been having a rough time at home and work. Anyways I’m going to wait another month or two before I message him by sending an elephant in the room text to clear up the mess I made out of fear of losing him… The thing is I have absolutely no idea what I’d tell him when that time comes. I messed up so much thinking what I was saying was good, but it wasn’t…btw we were long distance and still are, and he has no social media. Neither do I. So there’s no way I’ll know if he’s ok, etc. It makes things so much harder in a way bc I do want to know if he’s moved on…
You should keep those thoughts out of your head for now, and when you initiate contact again, you’ll get your answer and whether he has moved on or not since.
I just sent my ex the elephant in the room text and all she said was “ok”
What do I do ??
It would probably be best to go back into no contact for awhile, because this shows that she isn’t ready to talk to you yet. She could still be harboring negative emotions over the breakup, and under these circumstances, you’ll either have to end up waiting indefinitely for her to finally reply positively or decide to move on.
hi,i need your advice,i have a friend who was more than a friend,a little bit lover,but he is not.a year ago we stopped talking cause he wanted,after these he wrote me a few time ,but it wasnt for make peace,he wrote me in holiday,for sorry, when he just out surgery operation,we talked 2-3 days but after he again blocked me,i said him dont disturb me again,but 14february he wrote again for congrat,anyways,now i want to write him,but dont know what should i do what should i write,please help.thanks
You could check in on how he’s been lately and perhaps casually bring up a mutual topic of interest that can continue the conversation after.
but what if he ignores me?or how i should start conversation?
Use the guidelines found in our articles on how to start a conversation, and if he ignores you, go back into no contact for another week or two before trying again. If he continues to ignore you, then you might want to consider the idea of moving on because it would seem that he isn’t interested anymore if that’s the case.
thank you so much!I will write again about progress
hello again,i wrote him,this is conversation
me-Just watched series you told me onceh
him-finally u watched smth worth
me-always i do
him-okey (thinking emoji)
me-good night
him-good night
him-you are muted,thats why i dindt hear notification
(he wrote me lately he muted me on fb)
me-no problems
he read and didnt reply,whats the point?help me please,thank you!
Hey Kevin! I’ll give a brief (ish) summary of my relationship and breakup. Feel free to ask me for more details. My ex and I dated for just shy of 6 months, and we were each other’s first real relationship. We were very happy, and very in love. However, we are both going to differenr grad schools next year, and will be 10 hours away from each other. Due to things he had said/post-college graduation plans he had mentioned possibly doing with me, I believe he at one point had wanted to do long distance. However when we talked about it a month later, he said he didn’t want to do it, and I believe it was partly because of something his roommate said that scared him (his roommate had told him we should do LDR, then he should dump me a month in; one of his reasons to not do LDR was because he was afraid of breaking up over text/phone and then never seeing me again). Anyway, despite my best efforts to get him to at least try, he wouldn’t budge, and in the days leading up to our last goodbye, he was not terribly nice to me, even going so far as to dump me over text because he panicked that he might not be able to see me in person before I left town, and his cousin told him to be honest with me and just do it over text. The next day he did apologize in person and admitted that he shouldn’t have done that, so we got back together for the day and said our goodbyes that night. We ended things amicably and he said he wanted to stay in touch and still be friends, although he did not text me back the next day when i asked how his family brunch had gone, so i did No contact for a couple weeks. I did accidentally send him a text that I had ready to send (in case I forgot about it), asking for some pictures he had promised me, but since it was vague enough i covered it and said it was for someone else, and to my surprise, he replied positively. Anyway, I continued not contacting him, and I know you say not to do this (I hadn’t seen this article at that time), but I ended NC on his birthday. I got a positive response from him 20 minutes later, and I waited a few hours to write back. However, he never replied. I haven’t written to him or heard from him since, and that was 3 days ago. I’m hesitant to text him again because I’m not sure what to… Read more »
Wait for a week or two before trying to contact him again. Whether you responded 20 minutes later or 3 hours later had nothing to do with the situation in your case, and it might mean that he isn’t ready to face you yet. Avoid pushing for a reply or doing anything desperate because you may only end up pushing him further away.
Hey Ryan,
My relationship was very new. Only a matter of six dates. Without going into the whole detail. We had talked a lot about our histories.. She was divorcing a man who she had married after a very quick relationship. It didn’t last more than a day or two.
I was smitten by her and was a perfect gentleman, felt her pain from what she had gone through.
I’ve had four significant relationships and I’m currently in a good place with my wellbeing I felt!
Our dates were long and enjoyable and we were getting to know each other with long looks and the odd kiss and longer kiss.
We were always the last to leave wherever we were.
But all fell apart after we spent an afternoon in her home sharing a dvd and a cuddle.
She suddenly stiffened up and sort of politely showed me out.
The next morning I was told she had got things wrong, and didn’t want to continue.
I’m very disappointed and want to know if there’s any value in giving her the space of a no contact period!
What are your thoughts?
You might have to figure out what her reason was for suddenly changing her attitude towards you just like that, and considering the length of the relationship, there is a chance that she would move on quickly as well. You might have to mentally prepare for this, but first, see if the reason for her sudden change is something that can be fixed or not.
Hey Ryan,
I’ve just been out of a 5 year relationship just under 2 months ago. The break up was eventually going to happen but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon and so I didn’t think of it much and sort of agreed mutually to the break up. During the 2 months after the break up, I just felt like it was a break to me but to her it was literally a break up and during that time she found someone she was interested in – a friend who’s been there for her when I wasn’t. I only found about this relationship just a couple days ago and this time it really hurt because now the break up is real. I’ve managed to clear my head and I do want her back in my life, I just want to know how I should go about this to enable to give me the opportunity to at least see her again in person. I’ve already taken action and consulted the reasons as to why we broke up to try and better myself and I have messaged her about the elephant in the room. She has responded “I’m happy for you that you’re doing something about it, I genuinely want good things for you too. Thank you too for the last 5 years because they weren’t all bad. And I forgive you. I want us both to move on and be on good terms.” Where do I go from here. Any help would be great. Thanks!
For now, the best thing you can do is to actively work on yourself since the 2 months was treated more like a ‘break’ from your point of view rather than the proper sequence and actions a breakup would cause you to go through. You’ll probably have to see if the new relationship is a rebound or not, be patient in waiting for an opportunity and not do anything rash or desperate in the meantime that might push her further away.
In that case should I do the NC?
Hey, my ex broke Up with me because she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. We didn’t last that Long but i really want to be with her, it has been over a month since we last texted but about 2 weeks ago i called her to she was doing. Should i wait 2 more weeks to begone texting again or am i good to go? Also, there was no fighting in the relationship so which conversation starter would you reccomend?
Since the relationship didn’t end on a bad note and you haven’t been together with her for very long, perhaps continue to text her if she responds positively and you don’t have to use any particular type of conversation, just keep things light and casual, and not try to come across as too pushy.
Hey, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, he was really considerate about it and it was mainly down to me changing into a worse person over the couple of years we went out. I asked him to think about what he was doing and message me in a week or so but if he does do I message him back or do I do the no contact thing?
Well, I suggest beginning no contact only if you are certain that things are over for now. If he contacts you, it would mean that the breakup was only temporary but you should still work on figuring out where things went wrong in the process and trying to overcome whatever negative issues that may have led to the breakup in the first place.
i have followed No contact period of 35 days. Now i have send her advise text asking her for a suggestion for a place where i can organise a small party for my freinds. But she has not replied even after 6 hrs. what should i do now.
Wait it out longer, and if she does not reply, continue with NC for another week or two before trying once again.
I read your article and i don’t think that “the elephant in the room” text applies to me because after the break up I texted and sound needy but before going into the no-contact period I tried to fix things, and by this I mean, I send him a text just saying that I started seeing a show that he also sees and how much I was enjoying it, he responded well but we talked little. Days after that he had something mine to give it to me and we tried to organize an hour for him to give me that, but we never managed to find a compatible hour, then I suggest for him to give that thing at a party that we would be both at and he didn’t respond at all. Then i began with the no contact period. Now I don’t know if I should start the contact with the normal texts or with the elephant in room text, what do I use?
You could still proceed with the elephant in the room text, and apologize for the issues you contributed to during the relationship period that led to the eventual breakup.
so instead of apologizing for what I did after the breakup (almost beg and look very fragile), I must apologize for what i did that led to the breakup? Even if it was me who broke up with him, because he was distant?
You definitely should apologize for that too, but do not focus on it because it wasn’t what caused the relationship to end in the first place, more of what made the situation worse. You’ll want to address the root of the issue if you want to get back with him.
Hey! Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and I did NC for this time. But last week I started to text him and we talk for a while, we talked for more two days and then he didn’t replied anymore. So I waited 3 days and started again the conversation and it was fine, just positive things. He told me he is going to move to another country in 3 months for work and I said I was happy for him. But I still want him back, what should I do? Continue the light conversations? And if he doesn’t start the talk? Should I said something?
Yes, continue with the light conversations but perhaps add in a little flirting as well and see how he responds to it. However, you have to keep in mind that him moving to another country for work may open a whole new set of problems and you’ll have to be ready for that if you want to try winning him back.
Hi! We’re still having the light conversations, nothing about the break up, just talking like friends…how can I suddenly add a little flirting? I don’t know, but maybe he’s not interested on me…
Perhaps talk about a particular thing that reminded you of an event that happened while you were together to bring about familiar memories and see how he responds to that.
Hi! I just found out he is with someone else… and I just don’t know what to do! Please give me some help..
So I’ve actually made it to the end, I was able to get them to agree to meet up somewhere to just catch up. My question is though, should we keep it casual or do I bring up whether we should get back together or not?
Keep it casual and work on building up the level of comfort and bond before moving on to the topic of getting back.
My story is as follows: We broke up a little over a week ago. Before that we had been together for 2.5 years. About little over a month ago we had a falling out and he told me he didn’t feel like he could be in a relationship at this time in his life. I had met him only a few months after his previous long term relationship and he believes he met “the right girl at the wrong time.” He told me he felt that he was not being the best boyfriend that he could be and that it hurts him to feel this way and it hurts him that he can not give me 100% when he knows I’ve given him 110%. He told me numerous times that he doesn’t deserve me and that I’m perfect in every way and none of this is my fault. I’ve always known that he was not fond of commitment and I never pushed him in anyway to commit to me (we only dated for 2 years and then actually put a label on our relationship back in September.) I think he just got frustrated with himself not making me completely happy. And he feels annoyed when he has to consider another person in his decisions (travel, work, friends) He is approaching 27 years old and I can tell he doesn’t want to feel like a relationship is holding him back. The break up was not ugly or angry. It was overall just very sad and he said numerous times to call him whenever I needed to. And that he will never NOT answer me. He told me that this is what needs to happen right now and this is best for us and that I will be just fine. He said this was nothing about other girls and that “I’d probably be in another relationship before he even starts to date again.” He told me I have and always will hold a special place in his heart and that I still mean the world to him. We had a great relationship. Never really fought, never took breaks or went a long time with out talking. The break up happened late night after going out with our friends. I called him the next morning to make sure this is what he really wanted to do and he said it was. And he again reminded me that I could call at any time if I need help and that this was the best thing for us. Since then, it’s been a week. I have not contacted him at all but I keep hoping and praying that he will realize the value I brought… Read more »
Sometimes despite voicing out that thinking a person was right, may not necessarily mean anything and action still won’t be taken. It depends on the person entirely though, and if he does not contact you by the time NC ends, you could always consider contacting him instead on a casual note to start building the friendship/comfort levels back up again. You could use this article as a guideline if you’re unsure on what to do after NC.
Update: He did end up calling me after 2 weeks of NC. I missed the call and told him I’d call back later that evening. The chat wasn’t about getting back together though or regretting his decision. He wanted to check-in that I was okay and very much want to let me know that he still cares a lot about me and is having a hard time during this break up as well. He expressed numerous times that he wanted us to be able to remain in contact if I ever needed to talk because he “doesn’t see a life with us not in communication.” He said he was not looking to date anyone else because he already found the perfect girl (me) but the timing still isn’t right for him right now. I expressed to him that this is going to end up being unrealistic because I won’t be waiting around and will eventually move on. He was a bit everywhere but the conversation ended well. I think he is probably expecting me to “be more comfortable” now to reach out to him. But I’m going to stick to my plan and finish the 30 days until I reach out to him.
Any advice?
Complete NC, and he probably still does have feelings for you but might need a little space right now. Connect back with him after NC and personal self-improvements are achieved.
So after a casual relationship of 3 months my boyfriend broke up with me using excuses like he had to focus on studies and he was still hurt from previous relationship etc. He broke up with me via text. I said thank you for being honest and was great getting to know you, goodbye. He then texted me quite every week fr 3 weeks saying he felt terrible about ending it that way and he misses me and he wants to see me so we can talk and hes been thinking about what happened and hes sorry he freaked out in a big way and he genuinely liked hanging out with me and things he sees still make him think of me. I told him of a show his favourite local artist was having in 2 months and he asked me to come with. I said no because its so long away he said well he had two tickets anyways and the offer was open. We eventually went for a drink and he hugged me for ages when he saw me. A drink turned to 5 hours before another long hug goodbye. 2 days later he sent my fave flowers to work. We went for coffee and then he asked how it is for me when we see each other because he doesn’t want it to be awkward. Hed message me every few days. I thought he was pulling away so in self preservation i wrote a letter with memories and said because of that i cant just be friends. I apologised for my role in the breakup and thanked him for his time. he said he understood and respected that and said he did feel something for me and actually still does and would like to give me a hug sometime. I realised a few days later my mistake in thinking he was just keeping me on the line and invited him to a movie but he said he was away and had already seen it. Not a word from him since and that was a week ago. I dont know how to reestablish communication without looking crazy. What do i do?
You should probably wait a bit more before reaching out again to him. It seems that he does still have feelings for you based on his efforts but there also seems to be a miscommunication between both parties on their intentions so I would suggest actually having a proper conversation with him when you’re able to regarding both your feelings and where you stand.
do i wait for him to contact me? Or do i reach out in a few days? If so, how? I dont want to mess this up any more than i have so far
Hey Ryan,
Do you have an email I could shoot a couple questions to by chance?
I just wanna ask a couple questions and see what your take on it is. I’m in what I feel is kind of a unique situation.
Cheers,
DK
Hi, unfortunately we don’t provide personal 1-1 consulting unless it’s with Kevin. Here’s the link to it if you’re interested.
Hello, This is Phil again. I typed on this two weeks ago. After sending the elephant in the room letter, I started slowly talking to my ex on snapchat. Everytime I would message her, she would always reply immediately. I took my time, and sent messages slowly as Kevin said to do. Eventually, 8 days ago, I mentioned to her a lot of the things I learned about myself during the time period we were apart, specifically how severe my insecurities were and how surprised I was that I never noticed how severe they were. She replied after saying “glad u realized this but no offense why r u bringing it all up?”. I told her there was more, and mentioned how I went to counseling and how that was what helped me. She said “I hope it helped” and “I’m glad you realized these things and tht u feel better”. Then we talked about the breakup and how I was worried about her after she got physically sick and seemed to not know what was going on. She said the breakup was draining for her and that she felt I kept trying to make her think she was just having worrying thoughts, whereas they were actually feelings. Eventually, she said talking about this with her probably wasn’t healthy. She just felt like we weren’t vibing anymore. Eventually, I started typing the lengthy descriptive memory text. I described in detail the first day we met and how amazing it was. She said it was nice that I was having happy memories but felt that talking to her would make me more upset and that perhaps I should stick to talking to my counselor and friends. We talked a bit more, and eventually I asked how she would feel about hanging out just to catch up, grab some food or something. She said “I think its too soon and we both need time to heal”. That was 8 days ago, and I haven’t spoken to her since. I ended that conversation on a good note. Recently (Saturday night) I saw on her friends’ snapchat story that there was a guy with his hands around my ex’s waist. I have seen this guy on my ex’s snapchat story feeds, but just as friends, in a friend group, with no indication of dating. I only saw him once on her story a couple of weeks ago, and even now see nothing on her social media that would indicate this person is in her life. This seems like it could be a rebound and that she’s hiding him from me. Not sure. Anyways, with everything I’ve said, I’m stuck between giving her space or… Read more »
If you’re confident that you have a handle of your emotions, then you could start to build attraction but remember to progress at a slow pace because she does seem to have her guard up at this point. Don’t rush into things, and if she’s currently in a rebound, avoid acting out in an emotional or desperate manner as it would definitely push her away.
Ryan,
Thanks for getting back to me. So is my best bet to give her some space until college ends, and rebuild from there?
Thanks,
-Phil
Hi Team, can you please provide advice on my questions below in the long post that would be much appreciated.
Also if she is not responding she I give her , her stuff back through someone else or just leave it? I don’t want it in my house anymore.
Hey, my ex broke up with February last year and things has never been easy for me at all. it was all because she suspected I was cheating of which wasn’t true. she asked and I told her everything and she forgave me. she wrote me a letter and the content of the letter was a break up message. I accepted because she said in the letter that she wants to be alone not knowing she was putting me into a race to fight back for her, bcos I knew nothing about that idea of hers, we parted ways and till know i still love her but ive said all i gotta say but it seems she has made up her mind so all she tells me now is to move on. I even allowed one of her best friends to talk to her but was all futile. Please help me out with some suggestions to get her cos I cant move on!
You can try following the guidelines found within our articles on methods to get her back.
I was with my girlfriend for a year and half and she broke up with me saying theres no sparks between us anymore. Also things that i needed to improve in a relationship and i was improving at the time. After the break up i texted her once a week for 2 weeks saying that i miss her. I called her on 3rd week and we met and i explained why i did those things when we were together. I did that to keep her happy. Also she agreed that i was improving but she said she couldnt take it anymore. She asks my friends how am i doing and she says that she misses me. So i did NC For 34 days and i texted her again on facebook with a video message with a memory we had while traveling together. She read my message but didn’t reply. What should i do next?
Give it a week and perhaps drop her another text then. If she still does not reply despite reading the message, it could mean that she is not ready to talk to you for whatever reasons of her own. Consider going into NC again in that case for another couple of weeks before trying again.
I wrote below about my journey with my ex. I thought I would send one more advice message today and I have being blocked via text message and also saw she has reblocked me on instagram and Facebook. I have not once being rude my texts were polite, positive and happy, they were also spaced quite apart in regards to weeks. I believe she is jealous that I have accepted the break up and lost 8kgs, taking massive action with my business. Now I am going to move on, I am going on dates this weekend which I’m super pumped about. Let me know if you think about her? I feel now I should move on, Ive done the best I can and if I got blocked for saying sorry and asking for some advice on açai bowls then is she someone I want in my life? Here is my story to date: Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male.… Read more »
How long after ending no contact should you keep the conversation light and happy and avoid emotional topics? I’m just curious because i’m afraid that by not having meaningful conversations it will be easy to get “friend zoned.”
You could have meaningful conversations without going too much into emotional topics first, and see how she responds towards you. Take it a step at a time and if she shows signs of discomfort, pull back for the time being and continue to keep it light.
Hi There, so just wanted to share my story, so Its being two months since my ex broke up with me, in the first 4 weeks I did not contact her (she contacted me saying she missed me, that she had to let go of me, that she wanted to talk to me in the distance future), I was very nice with my responses and short and advised I accepted the break up. So after 4 weeks I sent the elephant in the room (apologising for my responsibility) text and got no response, then sent another text a week later, asking a question about a book she has and advising of a sale of some Activewear she likes, all i got was thanks and the name of the book, then I heard nothing, so then 2 days later I sent a funny inside joke and a question, no response, so I left it for 3 weeks (yesterday) asked her for some advice on some cooking as I have started it and no response. She has being hanging out with her ex (bf before me) and friends she said she in the past were damaging to her. I have worked on myself massively, I have lost 7kg, done a self mastery course, improved sales in my business and got a new job. The thing is I am now okay with it, she is not prepared to respond to me then there is not much I can do, I’ve made massive improvements and if she is jealous of that or angry I didn’t do that during the relationship I can’t do much about that now. As I have discovered how my emotions work, I’m now okay that I’ve done everything I can to show her I’m the alpha male. I will attract her back or someone else into my life by acting positive.
I’m having a hard time getting my ex interested in the conversation. Today I initiated a conversation and asked him a few questions, but he didn’t ask any back and he let the conversation die after my last message (to be fair I didn’t ask him anything or give him anything to continue with, really). I’m still just on Day 1 so it’s not a big deal, but what do I do if he’s still not interested further into the plan?
I’m thinking when I next initiate, I’ll try using a memory text to give us something more to talk about.
Yes, you could use a shared memory, or even ask about something you know he might have been up to lately.
Hi,
My ex and I broke up 1,5 months ago after a short but intense relationship that lasted about a month. Classic story – he came on very strong and when I ‘surrendered’ to the relationship he lost interest but in all fairness I probably did seem a little needy in my behavior towards the end and we had a discussion about that which ended with me texting ‘I’m done with this (texting) but get in touch if you feel like it’ which he never replied to. I’m ok without him, have a happy healthy life and even dating. But there was some intimacy in it I haven’t felt for a long time and I was frustrated with us ending the way we did (by him ghosting me) so about a week ago I texted him and asked a short question not expecting an answer but he did reply (a very elaborated answer and lots of smileys) and asked how I was doing and seemed happy with the dialogue which I ended with a short but polite ‘thank you’ text. Now my question: is he interested in a dialogue with me? Or should I let it go? I would think he would initiate if he was – my male friends all says: ‘he’ll find a way to contact you if he wants you’. Is it always that way with guys? or should I send another text – if so which one? I guess another question would be weird…
As you’ve mentioned, there are a variety of reasons why people lose interest in their partners, and often times the biggest reason why we feel hung up over them is the lack of proper closure from the ending of the last relationship. My suggestion would actually be to perhaps consider starting a conversation with him and see how he responses before deciding whether to walk away or not, especially if closure is something you require.
But that’s the problem – I don’t know if he wants to talk me – he is not initiating anything only responding and if I do initiate contact (again) – what kind of text should I use? I guess it would be overwhelming to ask him for a closure meeting (also I’m not sure I want to close it completely- not if there is a chance he still wants to be with me).
Would you recommend the elephant in the room approach. We ended on good terms but it was really random and sudden. I know many problems throughout the almost 3 years helped the situation end. So would this be the way to go along with apologizing for the mistakes I made and acknilowging that I’ve accepted the break up.
Yes, that would be fine as an elephant in the room approach.
Hello,
Girlfriend broke up with me on March 25th. We ended on very good terms. She said she was still in love with me, but she thinks we lost a spark. She exhibited signs of anxiety, however, crying so hard that she would vomit and feel like passing out. I tried to tell her that it could be anxiety but she said it definitely wasn’t. I think she’s in denial about it and I think it was that anxiety that mainly caused the break up. Now, it has been 3 weeks with no contact. I sent her the hand written letter (elephant in the room) and when I told her she had mail from me she said “omg I’m so curious! I’ll pick it up tomorrow!”. In the letter, I apologize for how I acted during the breakup and that I accept that it was for the best because she had been having a really hard time during it. When she got the letter she said “Thank you :)”. I haven’t spoken to her since then (4 days ago). I am going to start messaging her tomorrow. Do you think that the fact that she has been acting so chilled out and is so open to talking means she’s moved on? What are my chances, especially if anxiety caused it?
If anxiety was what caused the breakup, the anxiety attacks may have stopped shortly after and it may be the reason she’s open to talking to you at this point since some time has passed. I suggest not overthinking things, and continue with your contact as planned.
Please read my above statement thank you.
I’ve been with my ex for 2 years and a half and she ended it suddenly with me by saying she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t see me in that way anymore what style of message should I send her after no contact. How long do you recommend no contact should be. And I’ll take any other advice you can give me.
Its common for couples to lose feelings of passion and spark after being together for so long, resulting in one party walking away. What you’ll need to do is to find ways to re-create it again if you want to win her back. Perhaps start off on a friendly note, and keep conversation topics interesting. Make some noticeable changes as well to yourself, so that she sees you in a different light after NC. I would recommend no contact for around the same time frame of 30 days so that you have some time to work on yourself.
After a 7 year relationship and a hard break up almost a year ago I still have feelings for my ex. We have tried to talk a few times after me reaching out to her but there were still too many emotions and each attempt ended badly. It seemed like she kept waiting for me to say or do something each time we met. Even the last 2 times we met after she told me she had started dating someone else she still seemed to be waiting for me to say the magic words. We had no contact after that week until I wished her a happy birthday in March. She responded positively. I’m ready to reach out to her without making her feel like I’m interfering with her relationship. I think we both could talk without the emotions getting in the way now and feel like our relationship is worth trying to get thru to her. Just looking for advice
If you really think she’s worth it, the best advice I can give is to be patient and trust that if you had a meaningful relationship with her, your friendship and positive changes you’ve made since the last time you were together with her may eventually get through to her.
Hi,
I was into a 4 yrs relationship with this girl.she is very simple and loved me a lot. It ended as I cheated on her. Although I did show the courage to tell that to her one day and she was confused then and finally chose to leave me.
From the initial instinct, I begged, pleaded but with no luck. Finally I have accepted her decision and the fact that she is with some one new. I don’t know if this new relationship of her is a rebound or not as he knows this guys for a long time say 2 yrs.
Currently I am in no contact period for 4 days now and the breakup was last week.
I really want her back as i have seen my future with her. Kindly suggest
Give her some time to let go of the incident and forgive you, and complete NC before attempting to contact her. Keep in mind that as she is attached, it might not be the best idea to interfere with the relationship as it may backfire on you instead. Focus on becoming her friend again first, and only consider your options again after that is done.
Im 38 and he’s 39. We were together for 8 months while he was working on getting divorced. Which was finalized in December. He started talking to another girl and kept running back to his ex wife. So I broke up with him. I waited 3 months of no contact. I texted him and he replied the next day. Said his trip was good and saw his family. I ended it with glad to here it. Day 4 I texted about a memory that made me smile and think about him. He responded 4 hours later and we both went back and forth with about 10-30 minutes in between texts, total of about 6 messages. I feel like he’s only texting back to be nice. He hasn’t initiated a text yet. How long do I keep texting without him initiating a text? I’m going to keep following your timeline. But I’m scared he won’t ever initiate.
Thanks
Sometimes it may take longer and more effort is required from the person who is trying to win the other party back. However, keep in mind if that he still doesn’t be the one to initiate or change his tone and emotion after constant initiation from you, be mentally prepared that he isn’t that serious about you anymore, considering that he still jumps around between another girl and his ex wife.
I read something in a different article in which you talked about sending a hand written letter. Would you do that after you are texting on a regular basis?
Typically, ending no contact can take place in several ways depending on the familiarity of the mode of contact. You could either send a hand written letter, email, or text depending on the circumstances. I believe this was the article you were referring to.
How quickly will I get my ex back if I used this system
It varies for everyone and is entirely based on the circumstances on how the relationship had ended in the first place.
Hi, So me and my es split up about a week and a half a go after a drunken argument where all our problems came up. I have been doing NC, however we have had to see each other a few times to get stuff back and so on. When would you class NC started, from when you last saw them due to them collecting the stuff or when you actually text them regarding something else.At first he was texting me asking me if I was okay and I let him know that I can’t have him texting me and he can only speak to me if its a proper conversation or he has something to say about us as I needed time to heal. So far he has respected that. Also would you say dropping them a text at the end of April would be too soon to end NC.
Thank you.
After a month of no contact I messaged.
so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am good too!! Thanks”
I thinks that’s fine for now.
But when and what should be my next move?
Wait a couple of days to a week before initiating conversation with your ex again. Try to open with a topic that would require your ex to continue with the conversation in a casual manner.
Thank you
So I’m doing the no contact thing. It’s been 3 days now, her and I dated for 1 year and few months. In between her father had been going through chemo treatments and could very well die. In between she developed a friendship with one of the people in our group and not until he ignored her and said he had feelings for her and wanted to kiss her. A part of her wanted to but ultimately she was very confused with her feelings. She needed time to think but wants to put taking care of her father first before anything else. She didn’t want to lose a friendship or me.
Now though I gave her a couple of days. We talked… we kissed and said how much we loved each other for the better part of 5 hours talking about it. After a few more days of no contact she told me how she has kept busy and has done things for herself that she didn’t do when we were together. She actually wanted to try to get a license and get her “shit” together. She was very apologetic but in the end said this will only get easier. We exchanged clothing and she wrote me a letter saying hopefully our hearts can heal and we learn love again. She also told me that music helped and that she hasn’t eaten much since.
How long should I wait? It’s been a week since our break up haven’t contacted each other in 3 days now.
You could refer to this article regarding no contact, and what to do. Typically, the best would be to give it a month before contacting her again.
Hi, my aspie ex and I had broken up since late January, we still talked back and forth afterwards, fought too since he held resentment towards me and I had very bad emotion management. We had this really intense argument 3 weeks ago and he unfriended me everywhere saying he never wanted to see me again. Last week, he approached me said “I hope you’ve learned” as in a come back. I ignored it, two days later he texted me again saying he was over it and that he just wanted time away. I left the message “read/seen” again as I didn’t know what was good to say. He stalked me and saw I posted a love song cover. Then he started messaging me about 5-8 times a day since, with messages about he misses me, things that reminds him of me. He calls me my nickname and talks about things we like.
I have been talking to his sister about it and last night she told me that he said something along the line “she will never get over me , and she will come running back.”
I’m overwhelmed. Someone advised me to wait one more week to text back if he insists messaging; someone else said I should wait until I be less emotional; and some other said I should wait til he makes up his mind to bring up about the relationship and that I shouldn’t be this easy or else he would always be controlling me… By this Sunday, it would be the 4th week no contact. Should I start texting back?
It seems to me that he is projecting his personal feelings onto you. He claims that you’ll never get over him, but instead is obsessing over you at the lack of contact you’ve made with him so far. If you decide to contact him again after Sunday, my advice would be to keep yourself calm and emotionally collected, and do not let his words get to you, because he may portray feelings of triumph at you talking to him again.
Thank you for your reply. In that case, should I say I missed him if he says that to my face when we start talking again? Tomorrow will be the day, but I don’t think I’m emotionally ready yet…
If you aren’t emotionally ready, do not force yourself and instead take things at a slow and comfortable pace. You shouldn’t say something if you feel unnatural about and simply go with the flow based on how you feel.
Thanks again Ryan. I haven’t texted back. And now he wants to get me a video game and play together, and has sent me an request to add me back on the game place…but I ignored that. Today he said playfully that I would go back to him eventually and that he knows I couldn’t ignore him forever… My friend who was currently studying the book “The Art of Seduction” told me to try and insult him by attacking his low self esteem in order to make him stop being arrogant and start taking me seriously… this is so extreme from what I had been told to do (being sweet and gentle). What is your thought on this?
It would honestly be better to avoid playing mind games and doing things like that just to get a desired result, because by attacking his self esteem, if not done right could easily spark greater issues, and would require to continue with the act in order to maintain your results. My suggestion is to completely ignore him for now, and to not respond to his comments and let it ‘hit’ him that you could potentially be walking away for good instead of ‘definitely coming back someday’.
I hear you… I accepted that request on the game place and the game he gifted… yet I still haven’t talked to him besides saying “thanks” on my own whiteboard. Did that fail the no contact rule, should I unfriend him and start it all over again?
On the other hand, he still messages me on a social media everyday, I read them from time to time, should I actually not even click on them as I think he somehow knew I had read?
Update: I got emotional and unfriended him. He messaged me and said “whatever. I give up”. I think I’m done… Thank you for your supports
What if after day 9, your ex doesn’t initiate contact?
Then wait a couple of days before trying again, and continue to observe if he shows any signs of interest or not.
Texted my ex on his birthday after two weeks of no contact. Just a simple “Happy bday”. He replied with “Thanks Pops :)” (Pops is my nickname lol. He never called me that when we were dating, so I wonder why he used it now?). I think that’s pretty encouraging, though. I was psyching myself up for a “Thanks” or “Thank u” or even “Thx”. I’m glad he at least included my name and a smiley, even if it was just a tiny gesture. What do you guys think about that?
Thinking about asking him for music recommendations from his favourite band in a couple weeks time. Something like “Hey, do you still listen to [band]?”. Then maybe when he replies I’ll ask for his favourite songs or albums or something.
I think I’m pretty solid on the motivation part of wanting to text him. I’ve really been trying to work hard on myself during our no-contact period (we officially broke up a month ago). I miss talking to him and we had a connection I don’t want to lose. Hopefully everything goes alright for me. Good luck to anyone else reading this page! <3 We can do it…
That’s great Poppy. It’s definitely a positive sign (no matter how small) if he called you by your nickname, since it shows that he does not harbor negative emotions towards you. Hang in there and we hope that you succeed!
Hi there! My short lived 5 month boyfriend dumped me a few weeks ago because of work/school/medical related stress and said that he wants to stay friends (he’s friends with all of his exes). After a week of no contact, he started snapchatting me and texting me every day – short conversations but he always initiated and I always ended it. After a few days of this, I had a mini meltdown. I told him that I can’t switch to friends in a blink of an eye especially since we didn’t start out as friends before jumping into dating. I continued by saying that I was tempted to give an ultimatum of together or nothing which he responded with “I’ll give you space but let me know if you change your mind. No hard feelings if you don’t.” I terribly kept going by asking if there was someone else and he said no and that was the end of that lol🤦🏻♀️. NC started after that but I’m not sure what kind of text to send. I’m not sure if saying all of those things would entice an elephant in the room/apology text, or if it wasn’t bad enough to go ahead and do a nostalgia text. Thanks for the article! It helped a lot!
You could go ahead with the elephant in the room text, keeping things light-hearted to see how he would respond towards you at that stage.
Hello, 2 months back i met this nice girl on a public transport and we talked, she gave me her number and we went into texting the whole day every day, we set up a date and we kissed, and she was happy and said she is looking forward for other dates, and that she likes me, i already told her my feelings that i really liked her, and we decided to take things slow and see where it leads, then suddenly one day after 1.5 month , she told me that she start missing me out of the blue and getting afraid and confused and that she want to take tings slow and don’t want to jump in a serious r/ship at the moment, i was confused of her mixed signs, and ask her if she is directing the conversation to the most common “lets be just friends” closure, and she told me that she don’t want JUST ONLY FRIENDS and says we can be both, i was getting more confused and told her what she said just don’t make a sense at all, because we already discussed about talking things slow and agreed upon. and she replied It’s enough for today and trying to put me in a needy position so i just cut it right at that moment, told her it’s enough not only for now but forever , and i told her that i will not be able to be friends with her, i was being truthful and straightforward around her and she clearly knows my intentions and feelings, and my understanding level, knowing all that and the way she twisted simple things and cover up her true motive makes me upset. I said my good bye and turn off my social media account and went to no contact . her last text was that she is sorry to put me in that situation and that she know she will regret this one day. etc. A week later, she texted me How are you and I miss you, and i ignore her text.and went silent. Then we run into each other at the exact same place we first meet, waiting for a taxi, i wasn’t shocked at all,confident and with a smile, says hi, and have a small conversation and went separately, she looked a bit nervous and shy. later that night midnight, she texted me she was very happy she saw me in the morning. i replied her the next morning , she says hope you are fine and have a good day, and i replied the same. it’s been three days since this happens and am not sure how to proceed, the NC already… Read more »
It honestly seems like she was starting to develop stronger feelings for you at that point before the argument, but wasn’t certain of them yet. She might have her reservations about getting into a serious relationship, but that’s something you can always convince her otherwise with your actions that there was nothing to fear. Currently, no contact hasn’t been entirely broken since it was not a deliberate attempt to meet or contact her and you merely bumped into her in public. However, given your circumstances no contact may not have been necessary as it might be more effective to build the connection with her now instead while she clearly felt happy to see you, which indicates positive signals.
Thank you
“Hey, I just want to message you and say thank you for helping me and giving me the push I needed to be a stronger person. I’m sorry how I reacted during our break up and I have really accepted why we need this and everything that has happened in these last few months. I have been feeling so much better mental now that I have started to work on myself and switched my birth control and corrected that hormone imbalance (which we were right was a major factor in my anxiety and depression and it’s now basically nonexistent at times which is cool). Being out of my moms has helped a lot too. I have taken on mediating too, which we could talk about later if you are interested. I have been feel so much strong and more confident in who I am and I wanted to tell you thank you for helping me in some part get me to the point I am at today. I hope you are doing a better too and got into your school of choice. I would really would love to be able to talk to you again.” Hi I posted something earlier about him not replying again. I texted him about a week and a half later saying happy Easter and he didn’t text back to that either (which is fine because it was just a basic happy Easter text) I think I should send an elephant in the room text later in the next week or two just to give it some time and was wondering if this fits what I should send. He and I broke up because we both weren’t in a good place mentally and he was unsure of himself and if he was in love with me due to his mental illness. I have gotten better and I feel so much better in all honesty too. But we worked so well together and we had this bond that I really don’t want to loose. Would this work to get him back?
My original post was 13 days ago
You could send him the text, to see whether he responds positively or not before deciding on the next course of action you should take. If enough time has passed, and he understands the context of where you fit into his life and whether that he didn’t love you only because of his illness, his response should be a positive one. If not, you might genuinely want to consider walking away, especially if he does not reply at all.
I sent my first text after no contact…
I used a mutual friend and said “hey… how you been? I met with Mohan today and it reminded me of u in a while. Hope all’s well.
Is the message going to work?
And what do I do if it gets ignored totally?
It should be okay, but if she doesn’t reply you, perhaps it is too soon to initiate contact with her in which you might want to prolong NC further before trying again.
Okay, so he responded after two days saying “I am doing just fine. Hope all is good with you too”
To which I replied two hours later “that’s nice. Yes I am god too!! Thanks”
I thinks that’s fine for now.
But when and what should be my next move?
Hey, I am up to day 4 of your advice and it’s going ok – I think! I cut the convo short by saying I had to go to work, but he replied something that also requires a reply. When should I reply to him? Should I reply after work or wait until Day 7 when the next conversation should be. Thank you!!
You could reply him after work but avoid giving a reply that would give him an opportunity to prolong the conversation. If he continues the conversation after, perhaps let him know that you need some space to deal with the breakup, sort yourself out and work on your issues and if he could give you some time.
Thank you very much for your article! It is very helpful. My ex broke up with me three months ago after going through her mother’s passing. I was also being very needy and over-protective towards the end. I haven’t contacted her at all since, until today after reading your article and after talking to her father. Our conversation is going nicely, but I don’t know if I should end it so that I can follow your daily plan or just not reply for a day or two. What are your thoughts?
Since you have actually gone through no contact, it may not be necessary to restart it just to follow the plan. Adjust accordingly based on your situation and since things are going well, continue on with it and work towards building up the connection with her once again.
Hi I had a question . So the first contact was a short conversation and he left me on seen and the second one was way longer and he left me on seen but we were talking from 9am to 6pm so it’s understandable but how do I start a conversation again. I don’t want to seem desperate. Should I use the elephant in the room text so that he knows my intentions? Or just continue with random positive things and hobbies we have?
Give it some space for now since he left you on seen, and text him again in a couple of days or so with another positive topic before sending the elephant in the room text.
Hey,
I contacted my ex and he replied positively but then stopped replying and I thought he forgot but I went on Facebook to update my new profile pic a day later and the same day he changed his and even posted how he went out a lot on spring break but I think he might have saw my new profile pic and is trying to make me jealous. But it also makes me think that he probably just ignored me afterwards cause he’s now posting stuff on Facebook a day later and never answered me back. Should I just wait a while to text him back or should I tell him that I don’t mean any harm or am just contacting him to get back together but I just want to be friends ?
I suggest waiting awhile before contacting him again. Don’t get too affected by his actions since he could have been busy and forgot to reply you back then. After waiting perhaps for a week, then try to initiate contact again, but don’t talk about his previous lack of reply. Instead, focus on positive topics and keep the conversation cheerful so that he remembers the moments talking to you as something positive.
I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?
Hi,
I did the no contact for 33 days and I texted my ex about a show we both love and also asked how he’s been. he answered positively in 10 minutes but I had a class at the time so I answered an hour later and he answered back a few hours later and then I answered and even included how I was doing but after that he didn’t respond. I’m not panicking. I’m just kinda wondering if maybe he’s that busy or if I said something wrong. Should I just wait two days to text him again? I feel like I should wait two days and also include when I text him that I’m not talking to him just because I’m looking to get back together (well I plan to gain our friendship back and see where it goes from there. hopefully getting back together) but I’m not sure what to do. The conversation sure it was really short but it’s not like he answered in one word texts and I thought it was going well until he didn’t reply so what should I do?
Try not to overthink things for now, and remember that sometimes people generally forget to reply or it slips their mind in the moment that they’re busy. I agree with your suggestion to wait another 2 days before contacting him again, and keep things casual. You might have to take it even slower if this repeats itself as you don’t want to come across as needy.
Okay so update. I talked to him again after 2 days and the conversation was way longer than now. he probably was less busy compared to first contact. The conversation at first seemed like he was a little hesitant because he wouldn’t have a lengthy reply but towards the end it was better. couldn’t leave him something to think about because we were talking about his car because when we were dating, he was fixing it and towards the end he didn’t answer but it was already 7pm so I understand. But I appreciate the longer conversation, it was at least something. baby steps at a time
That’s great to hear. All the best Claudia, baby steps.
I’ve been seeing a man for around a year. We both have children from previous relationships. Things have been going well until the last couple months. His work is full on and takes up a lot of his time which has not been a huge problem as I am quite independent and my own life is busy. Lately his work has become all consuming and we have not had any time together. While he still texts me & keeps in contact, the conversations are not as long and I fell into the neediness trap questioning if he really wants to continue. Reading back some messages I’ve sent him of late have made me cringe! He acknowledges he wants to work less to spend more time with me but regardless, he makes no effort to do so and it’s turned into a vicious cycle where I get upset and I’m sure he does too. In effect, it’s now created a tense relationship and texting is no longer light and fun. I feel like giving up as much as it’s heartbreaking. Would no contact help in this situation as there is not a “break up” we are dealing with? I don’t want him to think he can take advantage of me & that I’ll just wait around forever for it all to be on his terms.
No contact would be better suited for a relationship that has failed and both parties require space to let go of negative emotions. In your case, since you are still together with him, NC may actually cause the relationship to strain further from the deliberate lack of contact. I suggest instead trying to communicate across effectively to him and trying to work out an arrangement that would suit the both of you.
the last few weeks things were okay until she got a work in the city,far from where i live,later she told me that she don’t know what she needs in love.i used to act desperately sometimes and at some point i asked her if she loves me and she said yes and even needs me more.she then silenced for some days and i called her and she told me i was a terrible liar for the time we were together and she needs time and space to think about our relationship.i asked her after 1 week of NC and said she had not given our relationship a thought and she needed more time and space to figure things out because her work isnt going right.so far ive gone NC for 2 weeks.should i add more time or should i give up and move on.we were really the best and everyone felt jealous for how our beautiful relationship was.her parenrs are also aware that we loved each other in more than a year of dating.
I suggest giving NC another 2 weeks or so, before you try to contact her again. If she still does not respond positively, you can reconsider your options again at that point.
So I did NC with my ex (who broke up with me because he wasn’t “in love” with the person I am right now) for a month after now being broken up for 2 but we weren’t talking much for a few weeks before that period Other than me begging for him to say it’s a break so we could work on ourself (we agreed that we both needed time apart and it wasn’t a ugly break up), him and I saying sorry and making plans to return each others things (took like 4 tried to get everything) we didn’t talk. When he did come to drop things off he would still call me pet names and kiss my head when I cried and told me he loved me and we were going to still be in each other lives and we would still see each other around to the last time he dropped things off to where he still hugged and kissed me like he always did he Tried to him distancing himself in saying we couldn’t be friends and he doesn’t want me in his life and things like that to which I responded with fuck you and left the car. I later apologized and he said he understood and still was his sweet self. I decided that I would start the no contact then but he contacted me to send me a super sweet lovey text about things seeming like he would be open to having a relationship with me again to which I responded and said some nice things back. Didn’t talk to him for over 30 days and I messaged him on st Patty’s, which is a fun day I’m our relationship, “happy st. Patrick’s Day. Hopefully not drinking any Kings cups this year” which he helped me drink the year before. He responded right away saying he wasn’t doing anything fun and kept the messages going for a bit until ending the message saying he hoped I was being safe and not drinking and smokeing and then driving which was really heart felt and sweet and he didn’t reply after I said I was which seemed right. Today after the wait between I sent him a text about a memory we had together and asked him how he was and he hasn’t replied. It’s been about 3 hours since and I know he has probably looked at it. What should I do if he doesn’t reply at all?
If he does not reply, continue with no contact and wait for a couple of days to a week before you initiate anything else.
So my ex and i broke up around 2.5 months ago… I did a month of no contact, got a great new job, got into better shape and received a positive response on initial contact. we have been speaking since (1-2 times a week), spoke on the phone and even met up for an hour lunch last week that i feel went really well, no relationship talk, no awkward silences, just us talking about life and joking around. I didnt try to kiss her or anything, but she did give me two long hugs. My concern is that i have initiated almost all contact except one time and her liking my social media posts. I just asked her out for a walk around the lake by us with my dog, unfortunately our schedules just dont line up the next 2 weeks, (we both work busy, long hour schedules) so i told her to text me when she has some free time for it. Should i wait it out now until she contacts me?
Since both parties are busy, perhaps give her some time to see if she initiates contact, but just keep in mind that as she is also going to busy the next 2 weeks, it might not occur to her to contact you first. However, it doesn’t mean anytime at this point and there’s no harm in initiating contact first as you may still be in the phase where you’re trying to build upon a habit for frequent communication before she starts contacting you on her own accord.
Thanks for the quick reply… Id like to start talking to her more often than like once a week, sometimes twice but id really like her to initiate more. I guess that comes when you put in the work though… the reason im nervous is because i do feel i was needy especially towards the end of our relationship. Like i said ive been working hard on myself and feel like ive really improved the last few months, i just wanna be able to show her without coming across as needy again.
That’s why it might be a better idea for you to slowly build the habit up first, so that she’s used to the idea of texting you and may begin to initiate on her own accord once she feels more comfortable.
Hi. Is it wrong when I replied my ex’s mail 3 days after sent elephant-in-the-room text? I have done the NC and initiated to contact him with elephant~ text via email. His response was good at the moment, he said we can talk again and yesterday I replied yes, but now he still doesn’t respond my mail. What should I do?
No it wasn’t wrong, but since he hasn’t replied, perhaps give it another week or two to see if he replies before dropping another email, since you don’t want to come across as too needy or pushy.
Yes exactly, I don’t want to come across as too needy or pushy and okay I did it (to wait before dropping another email). Now it’s been a week and he still hasn’t replied. What kind of response in email I should use when he replies within two weeks, or, what should I do when he still doesn’t reply after two weeks? Honestly I have no idea on how to initiate the contact since I am also busy but a little bit afraid if he is going to forget everything when we no longer have conversations.
Btw, I am 23 and he has the same age as mine. We dated for almost a year on a long-distance and have not met in person, and then he broke up with me since 3 months ago.
You could send an email just to check in with him or talk about a random topic, but keep things on a positive note. If he still does not reply this email, you could either consider waiting another 2-3 weeks or consider moving on because no amount of effort on your part is going to work if he does not even respond to you.
Thanks for the quick reply 🙂 Today we had short-light chats all of sudden and it was positive. He always replied not longer than 1 hour, I kept answer his questions efficiently and I stopped reply his chat when he replied just “ok then”. Perhaps after this first conversation I am going to text him again on the next week. Hope this will be going well since I also don’t want to rush everything.
That’s great to hear Carla, all the best with you and hope everything works out well.
Hi Kevin,
My ex boyfriend and I broke up 3.5 months ago in good terms (2 years relationship). I clearly needed time to work on myself which I did and he knows and saw it.
Last month he confessed exploring a relationship with a new woman, stating that he feels it is the right thing to do. I started no contact 3 weeks ago. Last week he texted me saying his new relationship is going well, they have a lot in common which he realizes is probably an important thing. He asked me for my relationship status and offered to meet for a quick catch up soon.
What should I do? Is it a proper time to meet? Do you think there’s any hope? Are there subjects we should talk about /avoid?
Thank you for your help!
It depends on how important he is to you. Right now as it’s been 3 and a half months ago, he may have started to move on and dating someone new at this stage (not rushing immediately after the breakup) might show that it isn’t a rebound relationship. You might want to consider letting go for now if that’s the case, especially if things are getting serious for them. You don’t want to get in the way of their relationship as it may affect how he views you if things go wrong.
Hi Kevin. I’m stuck on day 4. Not exactly sure what to send her to make her think about it. What would be a quick example to make her think of me? Thanks
You could always talk about a familiar experience the both of you used to share during the relationship. It could be common interests, for example, if you both play tennis, you could ask her about how her swing is coming along, and that you need to change your strings soon but wasn’t too sure which one to get and if she has any recommendations. Something along those lines to get your ex thinking and not just simply replying words to your texts.
My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I got clingy and needy for the first week. When it became obvious that I was annoying him, I told him to leave me alone until he knew what he wanted. Three and a half weeks later I emailed him and we talked like we were friends for close to 6 hours. He asked about this rumor that had been spread that I was sleeping with a bunch of people. I told him I had only slept with one person and I haven’t talked to them since. He seemed to get mad and told me “If you don’t want people knowing maybe you should pick another hole to lay in. Just saying.” I didn’t respond to him. I then talked to him again 2 days later and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch with the kids and he said he would have if they weren’t already eating so I asked for dinner and he said he was going to a tournament so he couldn’t. I just told him good luck. I am thinking I should do some more NC for a couple days or a week and text again and only text? I really do miss him, but I am okay with being alone. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had to myself so far.
Yes, you should wait a couple more days to a week before texting him again since this recent attempt to ask him out was met in a somewhat negative manner, and you don’t want to seem too pushy.
I’ve been doing no contact for several weeks now and my ex has tried to contact me multiple times during that period of time. The most recent one was her saying that she was really upset that I was ignoring her and that she really missed and wanted us to be able to talk like we did before. I responded by saying sorry, I’ve just been busy for the past couple of days and I haven’t been able to respond. I know I shouldn’t get over excited by this, but I just finished no contact today and I’m wondering how I should take talking to her now that I know she really misses me and wants things to be like they were before.
You could always start with checking in on how she’s been lately and if she really misses you, you could even ask her out to catch up sometime soon.
Yesterday we talked again and she told me that she really missed talking to me again, and this time she also said the thought our past relationship was great and she apologized for messing it up. I just told her that we just weren’t ready for a relationship at our state of life because things have been very stressful at school so I told her that after all this, I think that we should just wait for us both to finish school before we try a relationship again and she agreed. Should I consider this as a success? After all, she did agree to try for a relationship again but I’m wondering if it’s a little premature to consider it a success yet.
I would definitely call it taking the right step forward, and coming across as someone who has matured since the breakup. Build the friendship back up first, and continue to work on improving her level of comfort with you for the time being.
I have a problem, and that problem is that I’m afraid that my ex won’t want to get back with me because she feels that it’s what’s best for me. During the last month of our relationship I was being very insecure and pathetic, always beating myself up and blaming myself for her problems. Now that I’m doing no contact and I’ve improved myself, I seem a lot happier. I’m afraid that my ex will see this and think that if we get back together I’ll go back to how I was and be sad and insecure again. How can I show her that being with her is actually good for me and that all the changes I’ve made to myself will not go away after we get back together.
You’ll have to maintain this change for awhile longer before contacting her again to prove to both her and yourself that these changes are permanent and it represents a new you that wouldn’t sway so easily and revert back to the old you.
Kevin, I recently met a girl online. Our chemistry on the first date was fantastic, but I stupidly missed a lot of signals. We dated for a few more weeks and then she broke it off. I was starting to have feelings for her, so I got a little needy and sent two text messages within two weeks that I’d like to get together. This is all bad form, I suppose. She never replied to the messages.
No contact is really my only choice now. Her birthday is in three months, and I think that she might appreciate a genuine happy birthday text.
My questions are if that’s a good idea, and how can I’d know if she blocked my number? She never responded before, so I’ll have no way of knowing if she even knows when I reach out.
There’s no way to know for sure if she’s blocked your number short of calling her and seeing if the call goes through. A birthday text might be appreciated but it depends on how she sees you at this point. If you guys were not officially together, it might be hard to say for certain whether she still has feelings for you or has since moved on.
Hello!
Im in difficult situation where my wife cheated on me which she did admit and i have evidence to proof her adultery. After that, we decided that our marriage is over. Despite of all, we cant apply for divorce until 2019 due to immigration matters. Until then we need to live in one roof, so I make an arrangement that she dont need to talk about the guy and not to text him when im around. We agreed to live like friends. To be honest I am not sure if I want to take her back, i dont know what to do really. I want to move on but everyday we see each other at home it makes me feel angry and thinking of revenge. Im just trying to hide all this feeling. What should I do for her to feel that she made a terrible mistake and to think of giving our relationship a second chance. I dont text her at all since the incident but we see each other everyday and dont talk to each other sometimes.
It depends on what your plan is – whether you want her back or not, that would determine what you should do. If you don’t want her back, then limit the relationship and conversation to that of a housemate and apply no contact otherwise, until you’re able to go through with the divorce. In the meantime, you might want to get out of the house for awhile to at least let go of your anger and negative emotions associated to this situation.