Text messages are one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back. But you must use them correctly or you might end up losing your ex forever.
This in-depth guide will tell you how to use text messages correctly (with examples) when you are trying to win your ex back.
Why text messages and how you can use them to get your ex back?
If you call your ex all of a sudden, they will probably think that you want something from them.
If you send your ex an email, it’ll be impossible to have a conversation with them. This makes it look like you don’t want to speak with them, alluding to the conclusion that you want to move on or you just want closure.
But a text message has the right amount of ambiguity. It leaves enough doubt for your ex to wonder what is going on with you and why you are contacting them. This curiosity gives you a unique opportunity to make them attracted to you again. To build rapport. To build trust.
But there’s a catch. You can’t just text anything to your ex whenever you want and expect them to start feeling attracted to you. Would you feel attracted to someone who texted you something like this?
Hey, I desperately want you back. Please come back to me
I don’t think I can ever find someone like you. Please come back.
I am sorry for cheating on you with your best friend. I’ll never do it again. Please come back.
You cannot simply send them anything that comes to your mind. In fact, if you text your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend the wrong way or at the wrong time, you will most likely turn them off and make them lose attraction, connection and trust. And that’s where I come in.
My name is Kevin Thompson and I’ve been helping people with breakups and getting their ex back for the past five years. Over the years, texting has become an important tool to reconnect with your ex after a breakup. So I decided to create the ultimate guide for the art of using text messages to get your ex back.
This guide is designed to help you get your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend back with the right text messages at the right time. Text messages that build attraction, connection and trust. It’ll teach you how to text your ex for the first time after no contact, how to turn your text messages into deep meaningful conversations and it’ll teach you how to transition from text messages to a phone call or a date.
This guide has five parts.
- When you should text your ex
- The Basics of texting your ex
- Texting your ex for the first time
- Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
- Transitioning from Text Messages to a Phone or a date
In case you’ve not yet read our guide on getting your ex back, you should go ahead and do so [it’s free]. This will give you the full picture and a plan to follow. This article only focuses on texting an ex. But if you want to get your ex back and keep them permanently, you need to know about a lot of things other than texting.
Best Guide On Getting An Ex Girlfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Best Guide On Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back [Opens in a new window]
Alright, now that you’ve read the article and are ready to get your ex back permanently. Let’s start.
Part 1: When Should You Text Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend?
Before you text your ex, you must first understand why and when you should text your ex. The reason you are texting your ex and when you text your ex is extremely important if you are trying to get your ex back using text messages.
A good way to do that is by asking yourself the following questions.
- Why are you texting your ex?
- Why do you want to get back together?
- Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
If you’ve just broken up and landed on this article, then there’s a good chance that your answers to the above questions will probably irrational, needy and desperate. Let’s analyze these irrational answers your panicked mind may give you.
Why are you texting your ex?
- Because I want to get my ex back.
- Because I miss my ex.
- Because I just want to speak to them.
- Because I have a few questions and I want closure.
In most cases, you should only text your ex if you want them back and you feel it’s possible to have a healthy and long lasting relationship with them.
If you are texting them to get closure, you are just wasting your time because there is a good chance the answers to your questions will give rise to new questions.
It will not give you closure and it will certainly not help you get over them. If you are texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend because you miss them, then it will just make you look needy and desperate and it will make them not want to text you.
Why do you want to get back together?
- Because I love my ex.
- Because I feel I can’t live without my ex.
- This breakup is too painful and I want to get them back as soon as possible.
Do you notice how all the above answers are about what you want and not your ex or your relationship?
Why would this work if your ex doesn’t love you, if your ex can live without you, and if the breakup is not as painful for them as it is for you?
None of those reasons are good enough for your ex to even consider getting back together.
But let’s just focus on yourself for a moment. Are these reasons good enough for you to want them back?
Sure, you love your ex now, but you can move on and start loving someone again.
After all, everyone in this world has the capability to move on from a breakup and start loving someone again. It’s the way humans are built.
Sure, you feel the breakup pain is too much for you right now. But studies after studies have shown that you can recover from a breakup. With time and proper care, you heal and start feeling better, happier, and more confident.
Research conducted at Monmouth University by Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D. and Nicole Bizzoco in 2007 concluded that positive outcomes to bad breakups are possible and very likely. The authors of the study state that dissolution of a relationship can lead to growth and positive emotions. This growth is significantly associated with rediscovery of the self.
A study done by us at Ex Back Permanently also revealed that most people find it easy to move on within 6 months of the breakup. We found that not contacting your ex and focusing on self-improvement is the best way to heal from a breakup and move on.
Maybe you aren’t really interested in the thought of moving on from your ex. Maybe you think you are sure you want to get back with your ex using text messages. If so, let’s move on to the next question you should ask yourself before you text your ex.
Why do you think it’s a good idea to get back together?
- Because I know for sure that this time I’ll not make any mistakes.
- Because my ex is special and I can never find someone like him/her.
- Because our love is special and I never felt like this for someone else.
Again, all these reasons are focused on you and not really give an incentive for your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend to want to get back together.
In fact, reasons like this show that you are just focused on yourself and don’t really care about what your ex wants. They also show that you are insecure and needy.
Why would they get back together with someone who is so selfish and insecure?
But, I will do anything to get back together. How is that selfish?
Just because you will do anything doesn’t mean your reasons for getting back together are altruistic. Let’s look at your answers to the third question.
What has changed since the breakup that will make your new relationship (if you get back together) different?
- I’ll do whatever they want and never give them a reason to leave.
- I’ve realized my mistakes and will never make them again.
- I’ll do everything in my power to keep their love.
If you can realize your mistakes now and can stop yourself from making them again, why didn’t you do it while you still had your ex?
If it was so easy to stop making mistakes, then you wouldn’t have let your ex leave you in the first place.
In reality, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to make real changes in your behavior and habits. It takes a lot of self-awareness and practice to stop making your insecurity and neediness affect your relationship. In a lot of cases, it takes professional help to let go of the bad habits that ruin your love life and relationships.
In fact, if you just broke up, then there’s a good chance you don’t really understand the real reason you broke up. Take this quiz to help you understand why you broke up and what are your chances of getting back together.
Recommended Reading: Should You Get Back With Your Ex – 6 Steps To Find Out
If you just broke up, your ex has no reason to believe things will be different this time. And they will have no reason to want to try again.
If you want to get them back, you will actually need to make a lot of positive changes in yourself. Again, read the 5 step plan to learn how to do that.
The answer to these questions are important. You must be clear why you want to get back together and you must be sure that things will be different this time. Then and only then you will be ready to contact your ex.
Of course, you should also do no contact before you text them. You can also send them a short email or a hand written letter before you decide to text them for the first time. More about no contact, the email and the hand written letter can be found in the 5 step plan to get your ex back.
Should You Text Your Ex If You Still Want Them Back?
If you want your ex back, you should only text your ex if you are
- a) No longer needy or desperate,
- b) You have a good reason to want them back,
- c) And You have a game plan to get them back
Let’s tackle each of these points in brief.
If you are texting your ex out of neediness or desperation, then you are probably going to push your ex away. No one likes a needy or insecure person and texting your ex out of neediness is a huge mistake. I talk about the mistakes that arise out of the post breakup neediness or desperation a lot on this website. In essence, this neediness and insecurity arises from the fear of losing your ex. And as long as that fear controls your action, you will never be able to attract your ex back.
To make the text messages effective in getting them back, you need to come from a place of confidence. If you aren’t confident, your ex will eventually smell the fear in your text messages and will become cold.
In most cases, I recommend you do 3-4 weeks of no contact before texting your ex. By doing no contact correctly, you will get rid of the neediness and desperation and you will start becoming confident again. To learn about no contact, check out this article.
Even if you miss your ex from all your heart, you should NOT text them unless you are no longer needy or desperate. IT’S ONLY OKAY TO TEXT YOUR EX WHEN YOU HAVE HEALED AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT FROM THE BREAKUP AND ARE NO LONGER PANICKING.
That means that it’s important to regain your self-identity after a breakup. If you ask yourself, “Who am I without my ex?”, you should have a clear answer for it. If you are not sure who or what you are without your ex, then perhaps you have an unhealthy attachment to your ex and you should take some time away from them to heal from the breakup and get some perspective on your life.
Secondly, it’s important to understand why the breakup happened and if your relationship with your ex can be fixed. After all, there is no point in trying to get your ex back if you can’t keep them in a healthy and amazing relationship for a long time. This website is named Ex Back Permanently for a reason. Because if you are trying to get your ex back, you should strive to keep them permanently.
To figure out if getting your ex back is worth your time and energy, I recommend you read this article.
Recommended Reading: Should You Get Back With Your Ex – 6 Steps To Find Out
Thirdly, you need to have a game plan to get them back. You may realize your ex is potentially the perfect partner for you. You may even have gotten rid of the neediness, insecurity and desperation. But if you text your ex, you must have at least a tentative game plan for the future.
- What should you expect to achieve with the text?
- How will you turn this texting into a phone call or a date?
- How will you eventually convince your ex to give the relationship another chance?
Thankfully, you have landed on the right article to understand this game plan. I recommend you read this entire article and if you find it helpful, read more articles on this website to understand more about the process of getting an ex back.
Below, you will find some FAQs about different situations related to texting an ex.
Should you text your ex if you want closure?
If you don’t want your ex back and you only want to text them because you want closure, you should NOT text your ex at all. In most cases, asking an ex for closure does not work and it only leaves you with more questions than you began with.
What to Do if You Receive a Text from Your Ex? Should You Text Your Ex Back or Ignore Him?
If you are not ready to speak to your ex and you receive a text from them, you should either ignore them or tell them that you need some time and space. I talk about what to do in detail in this article.
Recommended Article: How To Respond To a Text From Ex: 3 Situations That Cover Everything
Should you text your ex on their birthday or special occasions?
If you are doing no contact, then you should avoid texting your ex during birthdays or any other special occasions. Texting them on birthdays or special occasions does not accomplish anything. Moreover, they might feel like you are using the special occasion to get back in touch with them. And that will make you look desperate.
If you really want to wish them on birthdays or on a special occasion, it is best to keep the text short and to the point. For example, a birthday text should be something like this.
Hey, Happy Birthday!. I hope you have a great year ahead.
You should not use the text to start a conversation. For example, this text is not recommended when you wish them birthday.
Hey, Happy Birthday. I have been missing you. How have you been?
See, this text makes it obvious that you are using your ex’s birthday to start a conversation with them. This will turn them off and make them not want to talk to you.
What if my ex’s birthday fall at the end of no contact?
In this situation, I recommend that you extend no contact for another week or two. You can wish them on their birthday but you should still stick to the script and keep the conversation short.
What if my ex wants to speak to me after I wish them?
If they respond to you asking a question, answer to them in an upbeat manner but don’t give them anything to extend the conversation.
Thank you. How have you been?
I have been doing well. Thank you for asking.
Part 2: The Basics of Texting Your Ex Back
Texting your ex doesn’t have to be very complicated. All you have to do is understand the basics, follow a few templates and just go with the flow. In this section, we will talk about the basics.
Here’s what you should aim to achieve when you are texting your ex.
- Make them crave your text.
- They should be excited to receive a text from you.
- They should be looking forward to having a texting conversation with you.
- Make them associate texting you with something exciting.
- Make them want to reply to you immediately after they receive your text.
- Make them start initiating texting conversations with you.
- Make them want to take it to the next level (phone calls or a date).
To achieve that, you must remember the golden rule.
The golden rule of texting your ex is to never send a negative text to your ex.
Here are some examples of negative texts that will probably make your ex not want to receive texts from you.
You are horrible human being for doing what you did. I am glad you are out of my life.
If you don’t answer my texts, I’ll burn every love letter that you wrote for me.
How can you just leave your son like that. You are terrible father/mother.
You are not fooling anybody by acting aloof. I know you are miserable and I hope you stay miserable for the rest of your life.
I need you in my life. I can’t live without you.
Hateful texts, threats, needy texts and any negative text in general is a big no. You can never make them associate texting you with something exciting if you send the above texts even once.
To make them associate you with someone exciting and your texts with something exciting, you must be consistent in your texting.
You must be able to consistently provide exciting and interesting conversations.
If you can’t they will either label you as boring, needy, or just a negative person.
What if I already sent a lot of negative or needy texts?
Do no contact for a while. This will give them time to forget all the negativity and maybe even start missing the good times they had with you.
You can also use the “Elephant in the Room” text discussed later in this guide to swipe the slate clean and start over.
The Frequency of Texting.
Ideally, you and your ex should text each other every day.
You know how lovers text each other? The first text in the morning and the last text before sleeping?
That is the type of frequency you want to achieve. But, you must take it slow. Very, very slow.
If you immediately start messaging your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend every morning and every night, you are going to sound an alarm in their brain that will make them put all their defenses up.
But if you start with just one text message and
slowly very slowly start increasing the frequency, they will probably not notice.
It will feel very natural to them and they will feel the attraction and connection you build is also natural. Heck, if you do it right, they will start increasing the frequency of text messages and there’s a good chance they will start talking about getting back together.
How Often Should I Text My Ex?
Here’s a sample timeline for texting your ex. This can change depending on your situation, the intensity of the conversations you are having and how often your ex initiates texting.
- Day 1: First text message and a short conversation.
- Day 2: Don’t initiate texting. If your ex initiates, reply to them but end it as soon as possible.
- Day 3: Same as Day 2.
- Day 4: Initiate the conversation. Make it longer than your first conversation but not too lengthy. Give them something to think about.
- Day 5: Same as Day 2
- Day 6: Don’t initiate. If they initiate, reply and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 7: Initiate and continue the conversation for as long as you like.
- Day 8: Same as Day 6.
- Day 9: Same as Day 7.
- Day 10. Initiate a conversation in the morning, and in the evening. Continue each conversations for as long as you like.
- Day 11: Same as Day 6
- Day 12: Same as Day 7
- Day 13: Same as Day 7
- Day 14: Same as Day 10
Makes sense? Just mix it up a bit and keep having interesting conversations with your ex. Slowly, but steadily keep increasing the frequency until they are used to having you text them and they are used to initiate texting.
Miscommunication and Negativity in the conversation
If you and your ex are speaking to each other on a constant basis, there is a good chance either one of you will encounter miscommunication and/or negativity in the conversation. Here’s what to do when you encounter them.
Whenever you encounter a miscommunication, it’s best to clear it straight away instead of waiting your ex to figure out what you said.
This can easily happen if you are using sarcasm in your messages. It’s best to avoid sarcasm in text messages unless you are absolutely sure your ex will get it.
Similarly, if at any time, you are not sure about what your ex is saying or if they are being sarcastic, it’s best to ask them clearly what they mean instead of trying to figure out what they meant. If you feel they are giving you a sign that they still love you or that they want to get back together, check out this article that covers most of the signs your ex may give you.
Whenever you feel the conversation is going to take a negative turn, you have three options.
1. Try to end the conversation and try again after a couple of days.
2. Try to resolve the issue without speaking about it in detail.
3. Talk about the issue in detail and clear things out.
If you’ve just started speaking to your ex, then I recommend you choose the first option. If your ex still feels negatively about you, the breakup or the relationship; then he/she is not ready to open up and speak about the issues in a calm manner. In this situation, it’s best to acknowledge the negativity and your ex’s feelings, apologize if necessary and end the conversation.
I can’t believe you can be so selfish. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.
I understand how you feel. I was selfish and I am sorry for what I did. I am learning more about myself every day and I’ve realized why I acted the way I did. I feel that you and I both need some more space before we can speak objectively. I hope we can speak soon and I want you to know that I’ll always wish you the best.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn but it’s not very serious, you can acknowledge the negativity and the reason for it and try to move on.
Yeah, we had fun in the Bahamas. I wish you hadn’t been busy with your laptop all the time.
You can sense that your ex is upset about you not being present when you were supposed to spend quality time with them. You can acknowledge the issue without offering a solution.
Yikes! I actually saw that coming. You are right though. My schedule was all over the place. I wish I had spent more quality time with you when I had the chance. Well. Live and learn I guess.
If the conversation is about to take a negative turn and the issue is serious, then you might want to speak about it in detail. For example,
It seems you have really changed. I hated it that you never gave me space. I almost felt like you want to control everything in my life.
You are right. I did want to control everything around me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and even gone to therapy. I realized my habits were formed when I was a child. I never really felt loved because my parents were always busy with work. When I fell in love with you and realized you loved me too, I was doing everything in my power to not lose it. I was controlling everything out of fear of losing my love. I’ve now realized how unhealthy it was, both for me and our relationship. I’ve realized a lot of my other unhealthy habits as well. Anyways, this is too much to talk about via text messages, do you want to get on a call?
Notice that if it’s a serious issue, it’s best you take the conversation to a phone call. But before you ask them to do so, you should give them a good reason to believe that you have really changed. And at no point of time you should speak to them about getting back together.
WhatsApp, iMessage, Line, Viber, Snapchat. What should you choose to text them?
There are so many apps you can use to text your ex. Which app is the best?
It’s simple. Use the app you know that your ex uses most. Some apps do have an advantage over others, but those advantages are very minor and if you use the strategies laid out in this guide, those advantages will not matter at all. For example, WhatsApp gives you the ability to see if a message has been read by your ex while line and Viber gives you a range of emoticons and animations to choose from.
Almost all the apps today can send Gifs. You can use Gifs to make references to your favorite movies or TV shows. (Download Giphy to get access to a lot of Gifs). However, make sure that you use Gifs sparingly and only if your ex responds to them with positively. Gifs cannot be used to build attraction with your ex. But they are good for an occasional laugh.
Part 3: The First Text for Your Ex aka What to text your ex after no contact
Your ex is probably expecting a text from you after you broke up with them. But texting them immediately after a breakup is a mistake. You should do no contact before you text your ex. Take some time out for yourself, work on yourself, make some positive changes in your life and make sure that getting back together is the right decision for you.
What to text your ex boyfriend or girlfriend after no contact?
Once you have done no contact and you are absolutely sure you want your ex back, it’s time to initiate contact. Your first contact with your ex can be in the form of an email, a hand written letter or a text. You can read the guide on getting your ex back for more details on the email and hand written letter. This guide will focus on how to text your ex after no contact.
When you first contact your ex, you can use one of the following templates.
The Memory Text.
This one is quite famous and you’ve probably come across it. You simply use something to make a connection with your ex and say that it reminded you of them. The key to this text is to keep it light hearted. If possible, add a little bit humor. You want them to believe that you are no longer needy or desperate and that you will not really try to talk about getting back together.
Hey, I was just walking down the St Johns street and came across that restaurant with amazing Shawarmas. Reminded me of you (and how we went there after watching Avengers). How have you been?
Hey, I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. You were right. Jon Snow really doesn’t know anything. It made me think of you right after I almost cried in excitement. Anyways, how have you been?
You can also mix it with something that’s been happening in your ex’s life.
Hey, I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books. You were right. I should have read them long time ago. But, hey I got to experience the Hogwarts magic at 28. Speaking of magic, how was your show at the club last night?
The Advice Text
One of the easiest way to get someone to feel good about themselves is to ask them for advice. People love to give advice and you can use this to your advantage when you are trying to re-spark attraction with your ex with text messages.
The key to this text is to find something your ex is an expert at, or is at least interested in.
But before asking them, ask them if you can ask them about it. Makes sense? It will in a second.
Hey, my nephew has this weird math problem that none of us could solve. Can I ask you about it?
See, how you are taking their permission before asking them the question. This almost guarantees a response from them because they want to know the question.
We just can’t figure out what is the square root of 16.” [Note: come up with a better question than that]
Oh, that’s simple. It’s 4.
Wow. Thanks a lot. I was always amazed at what a genius you are at math. How have you been?
This template is great to get your ex to respond to you. You totally fly under their radar when you ask them for advice. Here’s another example using the same template.
Hey, my friend just started cooking and he asked me a weird question. I am totally confused. Can I ask you about it?
Is it okay to add onions when I am cooking a steak?
Umm, if it’s a good quality steak, it’s probably best not to add any onions. But if you want to experiment, go ahead.
Thanks. I love how you are so good at cooking anything. And I loved the chili you made for me that day. Where did you learn to make it?
Again, come up with better questions than that. I am totally pulling this out from nowhere as I am writing this article and if you use the questions in the above examples, your ex will probably see through them.
Make your questions genuine and be genuinely curious about their answer.
The Elephant in the Room Text.
What if your break up was really bad? What if you made a lot of mistakes after the breakup? What if you acted needy, desperate, creepy and maybe even stalky? What if you cheated on your ex? What if your ex cheated on you?
If you fall in any of the above category, then there is a good chance you will not be able to use any of the first text messages as templates to get back in touch. If the last thing your ex said to you was something along the lines of
“I hate you. Please never contact me again.”
You can’t just act as if it didn’t happen and just casually start talking about how Jon Snow knew nothing in the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
If you do that, your ex will be weirded out and think you are crazy.
You have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. You have to clean the slate so you can start again. This is when the Elephant in the room texts come in handy.
How do you go about it?
You’ve got to mention three things in this Text.
1. Apologize for whatever happened during the breakup
2. Acknowledge that you’ve accepted the breakup and have healed
3. Tell them how you’ve changed (For example, learned how you were needy and started working on yourself.)
Once you’ve sent the Elephant in the room text, you have to lay back for at least a week or two before you can use any of the other templates mentioned in this guide. (Note the Elephant in the room text is especially useful if your ex girlfriend is dating a new boyfriend or if your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend)
Now the Elephant in the room texts need to be unique for every situation. But I have a lot of readers and clients who go through many similar situations. This has given me the opportunity to come up with a lot of templates for the Elephant in the room texts. I’ve created a free report that includes 5 Elephant In The Room Texts you can use. You can download this report by clicking here and subscribing to our emails.
Part 4 : Using Text Messages to Rebuild Attraction, Connection and Trust
Once you’ve texted your ex for the first time and have received a positive response, you need to start rebuilding attraction connection and trust with your ex.
Texting is a great medium to do so when your ex still has leftover negative feelings from the breakup and they don’t want to give you any false hope.
You probably have read a lot about texting from different articles on the internet. You might have even come across some articles that claim to be the best article on the internet. But if you notice, they will all give you a one size fits all solution to texting your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.
The truth is, your ex is unique. Your relationship with your ex is unique. What attraction means to them is unique. What chemistry means to them is unique. What trust means to them is unique. What might work for someone else, will not necessarily work for you. So before you move forward with this, you must understand your ex and what attraction, connection and trust means to them.
Here’s how you go about doing this.
1. Building Attraction with text messages
You know your ex better than anyone else. What is it that your ex found attractive in you in the first place?
Do you know how sometimes people say “He/She is not my type.”?
What do they mean by that?
Sure, sometimes it is referring to a physical quality of the person. They may be referring to their height, weight, hair color, or skin color.
But in most cases, whenever someone says, “He/She is not my type”; they are referring to that person’s personality.
It could have something to do with them being an introvert or an extrovert, or it could have something to do with them being honest and trustworthy. It could have something to do with them being active in sports or the fact that they are an academic.
Different characteristics appeal to different people. You need to find out what are the things that appealed most to your ex and what turned them off.
For example, suppose your ex is an introvert and they don’t really care about meeting new people and hanging out in social gathering.
And suppose you sent them a text like this.
“I just went out to this crazy party last night with a couple of friends. It was amazing and I wish you were there with me.”
Do you think that will make your ex more attracted to you?
When you send a message like that, you will probably turn them off because you are forcing them to imagine themselves in a situation they don’t find much appealing.
On the other hand, a message like this might be more appealing to an introvert.
“I went to my uncle’s cabin over the weekend. We were surrounded by birds, dense forest and we spent the weekend re-reading Harry Potter for the fifth time and reenacting some scenes from it. It was amazing and I wish you had been there.”
Imagine how this would make an introvert feel. You are displaying qualities that you know your ex is attracted to. You are also making your ex imagine what it would have been like being with you and spending time with you. A message like this will earn you some attraction points from an introvert.
You should be able to craft messages like this to display positive qualities in you and at the same time making them imagine what it would be like being with you.
But, you must take things slow. And you must be subtle about it. For example, if they are an avid sports fan, you can’t just say something like this.
“You know I’ve started watching NBA as well. If we get back together, we can watch it together.”
That will definitely make your ex put their defenses back up and make them think you are needy and a doormat.
But you can do something like this.
You will not believe what just happened.
My aunt got me seats to an NBA game and I figured why not. My friend and I went to the stadium and OMG. This was the best experience ever. And now, I watch all the important games. I finally understood why you spent so many nights stuck to the TV.
How To Get Your Ex To Initiate Contact With You?
In the long run, it doesn’t matter who initiates contact with whom. As long as your ex replies to you and they are warm whenever you both text each other, you shouldn’t worry about who is texting first.
But in the short run, if your ex initiates contact with you, it shows that what you have been doing to re-attract them has been working. And it may give you a little bit of motivation to know that your ex likes speaking to you enough to text you first.
To get your ex to text you first, do the following,
1) Make sure that you have actually done no contact, worked on your confidence, made a lot of positive changes and are doing this for the right reasons.
In most cases, if you have made a lot of positive changes, they will show interest by texting you first.
2) If you feel your ex is cold to you, back off for at least two weeks.
For example, suppose you text them at 3 PM and they reply back to you 10 PM with an unenthusiastic message, it’s obvious that they are cold and not interested in speaking to you.
The best way to handle this is not to push it further to try to understand why they are being cold. Instead, just back off for at least two weeks.
By backing off, you are showing them you are not desperate and if they are not interested in speaking to you, you won’t push them to speak to you.
In most cases, an ex will reach out to you once they realize that you are not pushing them and you are not needy anymore.
3) Give them something to look forward to.
One way to get your ex to text you first is by giving them something to look forward to. Give them an open loop in the middle of a texting conversation.
For example, you can begin a story and tell them that you will finish it the next day.
Yeah, Andrew went nuts that night in Thailand. The evening started in a quiet cabin near the sea since we were planning to catch up on sleep and detox from all the drinking. But before midnight there was cake, a monkey, alcohol and two lady boys involved. And the lady boys were the least surprising thing about the evening.
Really, what happened?
It’s a long story and I actually have a lot of work to catch up to. Maybe we can pick this conversation up tomorrow? Just so there are no misunderstandings, we didn’t hook up with anyone during the trip …. Even though the lady boys insisted. 😛
Haha. Okay we will talk tomorrow.
So, you were talking about that wild night in Thailand?
Or tell them that you are hoping to get some exciting news soon and then wait for them to ask about it. For example,
You know the DNA test I did last month? I am going to get the results tomorrow around noon. I am so excited about it. I always wanted to know my ancestry.
Yeah, I remember. Must be nice to finally get the results. A month is a long wait.
I know right. But I am glad the wait is finally over. I wonder if you are right about me not really being Chinese… 😛
Haha. I won’t be surprised if I was right. You don’t even like Noodle Soup.
So, did you get the result yet? Was I right about you?
Lol. Sorry to disappoint you but my ancestors were mainly from East Asia.
Take note that these tactics can only help a little bit in getting your ex to text you first. If they have been cold towards you, it’s not going to work.
So, make sure that you have done enough no contact and you have worked on becoming a confident person before ending no contact.
And if your ex is still cold, back off and give them some more space and time before trying again.
2. Building connection and trust using text messages
You develop a connection and trust with someone you spend a lot of time with. Go back to the beginning of your relationship with your ex. You probably didn’t trust each other much and you didn’t feel a deep connection. But as time went by, you started trusting each other and felt a deep connection with each other.
Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years to develop a connection and trust with someone
There’s no two ways around it. Building connection and trust takes time. A lot of time.
But the good news is that you and your ex already had a pretty solid connection. You were both together for a long time and probably trusted each other. There’s a good chance you both still feel a deep connection to each other even after doing no contact for a while. And even after everything has happened, a part of you will always trust each other.
So how do you capitalize on that?
You build connection and trust by being honest and vulnerable in a way you have never been before.
I know what you are thinking.
I desperately want my ex back, if I be honest about my desperation, how can it build a connection with them?
Well, you don’t. If your honesty is coming out of desperation and neediness, it’s going to backfire and you will probably push your ex away.
This is why I recommend again and again to take some time off, work on yourself, learn to be happy, become confident, become a better version of yourself, become You 2.0 before contacting your ex. This way, you can truly be honest with them when you say that you are Okay with whatever happens.
Let’s say your ex calls you out and asks you if you are texting them because you hope to get back together. You might feel like a deer caught in headlight.
So, what do you do? Do you lie? Do you ignore them? Do you be honest?
I recommend being honest. After all, you don’t want to build your new relationship on lies and deceit. But honesty can work both in your favor and against it.
Here’s an example of a needy person being honest.
Honestly, I still want you back. I don’t think I can ever find someone like you and I have been miserable without you.
And here’s an example of confident person being honest with their ex.
Honestly, a part of me does want to get back. But I am okay with whatever happens. I understand why the breakup happened and have realized that it was for the best. I am in a good place right now and to be honest, I am texting you just because I miss speaking to you. I don’t have a goal or an ulterior motive for texting you. I just want to see what happens.
See how that message doesn’t make it you look needy or desperate. Moreover, this removes any pressure from your ex. In all possibility, they also want to see where this goes considering you have changed quite a bit. They know that they will not hurt you by leading you on because you are no longer needy and desperate.
Here are a few other ways to be honest and vulnerable while building a deep connection and trust with your ex.
– Speak about what you’ve learned during no contact.
– Speak about your insecurities and how you’ve let them ruin your relationships in the past.
– Speak about how you truly feel about important things in life. Things like life, religion, politics, relationships, love, life partner, career. (Note: If your ex has an opposite view on one of these topics, it’s best to avoid them.)
– Encourage them to be vulnerable. When you are honest and vulnerable, you encourage them to do the same. Conversations like this can turn meaningful and eye opening for a lot of people.
– When they speak, truly listen to them. Try to understand how they feel and try to see things from their perspective.
– Ask them creative questions. Questions that make them think more about themselves and can lead you to more meaningful conversations.
Here’s an example of using a creative question to start a conversation.
Hey, someone asked me an interesting question the other day. It made me think a lot about my life. I want to ask you the same thing. Should I go ahead?
If there is one thing you can change about how your career is going what would it be?
Umm. I guess I will decide to start my own studio instead of working for this soulless company.
You know, I always wanted to tell you to start your own studio. You are so amazing at interior designing. Honestly, I think you would do great. What do you think is stopping you from doing so?
I don’t know. I never really got the time to think about it. I always wanted my own studio when I was in college. I guess I got complacent when I got a job.
From here, you have an opening to talk about a lot of things. You can talk about your or your ex’s dreams in college, about working at your job, about business ownership, about arts or interior design, or about your own insecurities at your job.
A Note on Rebuilding Trust
If you broke your ex’s trust during your relationship, then there’s a good chance they won’t be open to rebuilding a connection with you unless you at least give them some hope that you can change. You must show them that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild their trust. And this should start with a deep insight for your actions, your reasons behind those actions and what you are doing to change that. You can read more about this in this article.
You cannot rebuild trust by text messages alone. But you can start by being vulnerable and honest. Refer to the checklist above on how to start being vulnerable and honest with your ex.
Part 5: Moving on to phone calls and a date
Texting is great when you are just starting to speak with your ex after doing no contact. But it’s not nearly as good as a phone call or a face to face meeting. You have a lot of advantage when you are on a phone call with your ex. You get to speak to them as you would speak to a lover. You get to listen to their voice and they get to listen to yours. You get to listen to their tone and they get to listen to yours. You can develop a much deeper connection because you are actually talking to your ex instead of just texting.
I recommend that you try to get your ex on a call whenever you get the opportunity.
For example, suppose you and your ex have been speaking regularly for a while. You’ve decided you are ready to speak to them on the phone and you want to take the plunge. You can use a simple excuse in between the conversation.
And Nathan couldn’t balance himself and fell face first on the cake. I died laughing.
Hey, I am getting in the car to drive. I can’t stop laughing. Wanna get on a call and continue this conversation?
*you call your ex*
See, how simple that was. The only thing that’s needed is for you to ask. And now, you can actually laugh together instead of sending acronyms of a phrase that says you are laughing (LOL).
You can also ask them to get on a call without any excuse. But before you do that, you must be speaking to each other regularly and must have built enough rapport with them. To ask them on a call just say something like.
Hey, wanna speak on the phone? I am kind of tired of typing.
Asking them out
Asking your ex out is a big move. Most exes are wary about going out with their ex partners because they think this might give you the wrong signal and make you put your hopes up. This is why you should not ask your ex out until you have built enough connection, attraction and trust with them.
Before you ask your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend out, you should be speaking to them on the phone regularly and texting regularly for at least a week.
In a lot of cases, your ex will ask you out after you’ve built enough attraction and connection with them. But if they don’t, you can use this simple template to ask them out.
Hey, I’ll be in [area near your ex’s house or office] tomorrow, wanna catch up for coffee?
Keep it simple and don’t pressure your ex. If they say they are not sure, just give them a gentle push without making it look like you are forcing them. For example,
I am not sure if that’s a good idea.
Come on. It’s just coffee.
Umm, alright. I’ll see you at 6.
It’s very important that you don’t call it a date. Using words like “Catching up” or “Hang out” is a good idea.
If you wanna be adventurous, you can even ask them out on very specific dates like shopping, a concert, a book reading or a sports event. But all that is a bit advanced and doesn’t really fall in this topic. After all, this article is just about using texts to get your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back. And we’ve already covered quite a bit into that.
Lewandowski GW Jr., et al. (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship.
Mason AE, et al. (2011). Facing a breakup: Electromyographic responses moderate self-concept recovery following a romantic separation.