Whether or not you can get your ex back after cheating depends on three factors. We will talk about these three factors in a moment. But first, let’s talk about something far more important than getting your ex back.

Why You Cheated

You had a good thing going, and then you ruined it.

You had a good thing going, and then you ruined it.

OK, I understand. Monogamy is hard. Heck, monogamy is even unnatural. But monogamy is something that you agreed to when you started the relationship with your ex. When you decided to be exclusive, you promised them that you would only be with them and not any one else. And by cheating on them, you broke that promise. You betrayed their trust and you hurt them. You hurt them really bad.

The question is why?

Why did you hurt this person who trusted you with all their heart? Why did you betray them when you knew that it will end the relationship that you cherished so much?

There is a general opinion that the reason for cheating is different for men and women. The opinion is that men usually cheat mostly because of lust. They cheat because they are just horny and they want to have sex with as many beautiful girls as they can.

On the other hand, people believe, that women cheat because their emotional needs are not met in the relationship. They cheat because they are emotionally attracted to someone else and not just because of physical lust.

I personally don’t think it’s always the case. Men and women both can cheat because of either physical lust or emotional reasons (Also, both physical and emotional cheating can be devastating to a relationship). It just depends on what type of person you are. In my experience there could be three reasons for cheating.

1. Cheating in the spur of the moment.

You find someone attractive and you had a little too much to drink. You made a mistake and the next thing you know, you did something that you shouldn’t have.

2.  Cheating Because Of The Relationship Had Problems

You find yourself in a position where you are not satisfied with your relationship. You decide that a little affair might make you feel a little better about yourself. You end up having an affair and destroying your relationship.

3. Cheating Because You Just Can’t Handle Monogamy

Perhaps you are the type of person who just needs to sleep with other people. Perhaps, sleeping with a lot of people makes you feel better about yourself. Perhaps, a monogamous relationship is not for you.

A Few Questions You Should Ask Yourself

I don't know what I am doing with my life Doc. Why would I do something that I knew will end up hurting me?

I don’t know what I am doing with my life Doc. Why would I do something that I knew will end up hurting me?

Before you continue, it’s time to do a little soul searching. What was missing in your life that you decided to cheat on your ex? Are you sure that if you get your ex back, you will not hurt them again? How do you know you will not have the same problems in relationship that you had before (which lead you to cheating)? Even if you get back together, things will be more hectic than before, do you think you two can handle it?

(Read this article on should you get your ex back)

The 3 Factors That Will Determine Whether Or Not You Will Get Your Ex Back After Cheating

As I mentioned in the beginning, there are three things that will determine whether or not you can get your ex back. Here they are.

1. Their Level Of Investment

The most important factor is your ex’s level of investment in you. How much were they invested in the relationship and you? Their investment can be measured in terms of the time you were together, their level of commitment, whether or not you had kids, and how much they love you.

If you were in the relationship only for a couple of months and you cheated, then they will probably walk away without thinking twice. But if you were married with kids, or you were in a relationship for more than a couple of years, then they will think about giving the relationship another try.

Similarly, if you two had a great relationship, and they were madly in love with you, then you have a good chance of reconciliation. However, if your relationship was already a little shaky and they were already falling out of love, then this act of infidelity might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

2. The Level Of Betrayal

There is cheating and then there is CHEATING. There is a difference between breaking someone’s trust and completely obliterating their trust with a sledgehammer.

How badly did you cheat on them? Was it just a harmless kiss at a party? Did you sleep with someone? Were you having an affair for a month? Or have you broken the world record of infidelity by sleeping everyone of your ex’s friend and family members behind their back?

As you can imagine, the worse you cheated, the harder it will be to trust you again and the less likely are they to come back. Of course, it all still depends on the third and most important factor in getting them back.

3. Whether Or Not They See a Ray Of Hope In This Relationship

You cheated on them, so you can throw trust factor out on the street. They don’t trust you. Period. What matters is whether or not they see a ray of hope in this relationship. What matters is whether or not they feel like they can trust you again.

A little bit of hope can change lives.

A little bit of hope can change lives.

Your infidelity broke their trust completely. But everyone likes to have a little bit of hope in his or her heart. And your ex is not any different. They still wish that all the time and energy they spent on you and your relationship is not wasted. They still wish that all this didn’t happen and you were still with them. They still wish that there were a little hope that you could back together and they can trust you again.

And it’s your job to show them that hope. How do you do that? Well, for starters, you need to read the 5 Step Plan or this huge guide(which is free BTW) and follow steps 3 and 4 very carefully.

You have to stop contact with them for a while and let them process their emotions. You can’t convince them when they are angry. You have to give them time to calm down and so should you.

I am guessing you already apologised a thousand times so another apology isn’t going to help. However, accepting your mistakes and being completely honest about whatever lead you to cheating will help. I suggest you use a hand written letter for you apology (as explained in the 4th step of the 5 step plan)

You have to show them some positive change in yourself if you want them to think about getting back together. You have to show them that you are capable of change. You have to show them that you are capable of working on the relationship and the trust issues that will arrive if you get back together.

When you do get back together, you will have to work a lot on the trust issues. For starters, you have to cut all contact with the person you cheated with. You have to be OK with their insecurity and jealousy for a while. You have to be OK with them invading your privacy for a while. It’s even recommended that you two take couples counseling to work on the trust issues (in fact, it should be you who recommends it. It shows that you are ready to work on the relationship and your issues).

Your act of infidelity did end your relationship. But if you are sincere and are willing to work on it, your relationship can come back stronger than ever.

Wondering what to do if she finds a new boyfriend after you cheated? Read How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back When She has Moved on to A New Boyfriend

Wait, do you still have a chance?

Find out your chances of getting your ex back in 2 minutes.

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165 comments ...add one

  • Juan

    Hey kevin
    Please dont judge me.. So me and my ex wife seperated in april because she found out through my sister that i had seen somone in jan. And she didnt find out til april that same day she left and went to live with her parents . We have been seperated til now, she tells me she never wants to be with me and does not feel anything for me any more regardless we still talked after the seperation and hung out but we even went out of country in May because trip was planned ahead of time talked had sex a few time came back home and everything went bacj to normal.her parents wanted us to try one more time but she said she doesnt want to get back with me yet she didnt want to lose me because a was a big part of her life. She then started telling me shes been talking to someone and shes really getting into them they show they care for her and he opened up to her and shes feeling like she needs to open up to him as well because of how open he is to her he even calls himself her pretend bf.. So she told me we shouldnt see each other no more because she doesnt want to hurt him by talking to me or seeing me because he is a nice guy..(back story.. Through out the 5years together i did cheat on her 6x i know i fucked up i know i know she was really in love with me i had never had ANYONE love me sooo much like she did and now i regeret everything!! I regret beeaking her trust she took me back all those times and now its done i dont blame her i blame myself for my actions.) I really love her and i know i can change i did cry and beg her a few time. Just last week we were tickling each other and play fighting and she even laid on my chest(which felt so amazing wish time would have stopped forever then)but now shes doeant want me seeing her no more cuz she really wants to give this guy a chance he even told her he wants something serious with her...i need help i really do love her and want a future with her we planned alot together... But now thats just memories...what should i do..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps it would be best to give her some space for now and let her do what she wants because even if she gets back together with you at this point, she may not have fully let go of the times you've hurt her and this may come back and haunt your relationship later on. A fresh start would be needed and this would be a good time to actually go about and make positive changes in your life. At least by doing so, you give her more of a reason to come back when she feels a little more convinced that you've changed.

      Reply
    • Juan

      So i have stopped contact with her last wednesday and shes told me shes really into the new guy and told me how attractive he is and he shows he cares for her. She really wants a divorce to change her name and well yea.. What are my chances if there even is a chance ? Ive been writing in my journal, exercising and hanginhmg with friends to try to get my mind of her not being next to me.
      Thanks for the response kevin.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's good to remain positive during this time, and to pick yourself up from the breakup. Given what has happened, if she is adamant about going through with the divorce, there isn't much you can do about it right now unfortunately. There's still always a chance, just a matter of how high/low they are, and whether you're patient enough to pull through, because sometimes it can take years and both parties going through their own phases in life separately before reconciliation happens.

      Reply
    • Juan

      Dang well i learned my lesson the hard way so should i still keep the NC going ? Its only a matter of time before i get surved thedivorce papers. I just dont get how 2 weeks ago we were play fighting and tickling each other at her job to her suddenly saying we should stop seeing each other because i dont want to hurt the other guy(even though she isnt dating him) but i did stop talking to her 2 days before the tickling and seeing each other.
      Thanks Ryan for replying means alot !

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, just as how things may progress on your end with her, there will also be things that probably happened on her end with the other guy that probably made her think a little more to make that decision. Keep NC going on if you're looking to win her back eventually, but it becomes too difficult and emotionally painful, the easier way would be to let go of things.

      Reply
  • Jourdan

    I cheated on my gf of 1 year because of lack of attention, and a second time because obsession with moving to another state that I wasn’t ready to move to. I never had sex with the girl, we just talked about having sex. My ex girlfriend says she doesn’t want to get back together but her actions show different. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try making an attempt to make things up to her, and see if she forgives you over time.

      Reply
  • Collin

    I'm looking to forgive someone who cheated on me by technicality by the end of our relationship. I'm interested in knowing more about why the cheater shouldn't speak with the one they cheated with and how or if I should ask/demand it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be a variety of reasons, but often its because of guilt that the other party won't speak to the person they cheated on. This would be different for everyone, but personally, I'm not in favor of going back voluntarily into a cheating relationship unless the other person attempts to make up for their actions first because this advocates the wrong mindset, and they end up thinking that their actions were acceptable since you ended up going back to them and forgiving them without them even trying.

      Reply
  • Ryan

    OK need some help on what to do. I've been together with my girlfriend for 6 years, for the last year I struggled with an addiction problem which led to me cheating on her(Not an excuse but I was high when it happened). We stayed together for about 8 months until my addiction problem got out a hand and our relationship turned toxic. We decided that we needed to break up a month ago and get some space. Seeing as how I had an addiction problem I travled across the world to live with my Mom for the past month to get my head straight and to really think about what i have done and how I'm going to fix this. For the past 3 weeks we have been talking somewhat regularly throughout the day but now she will maybe respond to one message out of the 4ish I send her a day. I know she's reading the messages because messenger tells me that she's seen them she's just not responding. What do I do? Do I start the No contact? This woman means the world to me and I don't want to lose her. She the best thing that's ever happened to me. Any advice helps because I don't know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You probably have to go into NC for now, since continuously messaging her despite her not replying may lead to her pushing you away and even potentially blocking you off if she feels irritated.

      Reply
  • Harriett

    I cheated on my boyfriend (ex) with his best friend while he was asleep right next to us but I felt pressured into doing the stuff with his best friend who was my best friends boyfriend I told my best friend what happened then shortly after my boyfriend (ex) he said he felt something special that were gonna be together forever and I think I broke his heart we’ve been talking as friends after like 2 week of no contact and he’s mentioned sometimes he misses me or that I cross his mind I asked if I could get a second chance and he said ‘idk yet’ I don’t know what to do now please help

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him space to process what happened, if he decides to forgive you, make and conscious attempt to make it to him for cheating on his best friend.

      Reply
  • Al

    I cheated on my wife twice and she stayed or took me back each time, the third time I cheated she packed her things and left, now she’s got her own place that she’ll be moving into, I did all the begging etc and seeing that no contact is the next step, I need a specific plan to help me get her back, I’ve read each article related to me in its entirety so far so am serious about getting her back, keeping her forever and starting a new relationship. I need help as to how to assess myself and then start back on the road to recovery.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you need step-by-step help on recovery and guidelines beyond our articles, perhaps consider our personal coaching or recovery products found here.

      Reply
  • Anonymous

    I cheated on my gf of 7 months because of the lack of attention she gave me. Ig i was too clingy and obsessive. I told her everything and was completely honest with her during that period of time. I flirted with an ex (no pics were exchanged, nor did we have any sexual contact no sexting nuin) we more or less just talked about how beautiful/sexy we were and stuff like that. After I told her all that she didn't believe me so i sent her some screenshots but she still didn't believe me so i gave her some space. I messaged her a couple days after to find out if she'd like to work it out or end it. She ended it obviously and I was heartbroken as hell, sleepless nights, no appetite. Depression kicked in like a bitch. We eventually started talking again agreeing to be friends but she unadded me and all my friends so i wouldn't be able to contact her. I tried messaging her but that was a waste so i waited and she added me back and told me she moved on which hurts like a mf but i sucked it up and acted happy for her. I recently started being a needy ex and begging her to take me back but then my friend recommend me this sight and reading this i realised what i was doing was only pushing her away from me more so I started No contact 5 days ago and I enjoy working, building and focusing on myself and my ways. Just wanted to say Thanks and I'll update u guys in the future God's willing and peeps, cheating is so low and pointless. If you ever feel like cheating just think about how you'd feel if someone did that to you.

    Reply
  • taylor

    I cheated on my bf of a year and 3 months on a school trip. we had done long distance for almost 6 months and both of us had hard years (a lot of change going on). i told him immediately and we broke up two months ago but i just started the no contact rule 15 days ago when i got home (up until then, we had talked 24/7 as if nothing had happened). we hung out once and a lot of anger i think was released by seeing me, and he just randomly texted me saying he doesn't love me anymore, etc, and refusing to talk to me about it or put in effort to end civilly. i blocked him on a majority of social media so i wouldn't "obsess" and i seem to be doing fine/realized why i did it, etc. but i guess i have that "want what i can't have" attitude and now that we're not in contact, i feel like he is out having so much fun, meeting girls (i kind of suspect a rebound girl), and i just feel like he actually doesn't care about me at all. i guess those little reminders of him having fun make me sad, and then that makes me sad because he's not ahaha. any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Avoid thinking about him, and focus on yourself for the period of NC. Do things to distract yourself equally and spend the time improving as a person so that if the opportunity arises in the future and your paths cross, he is reminded of you in a positive manner and may think about wanting to get back together.

      Reply
  • Ro

    Hi me and my girlfriend have been together a year and a half she moved 200 miles away 6 months into the relationship, I cheated on her a few months ago and she confronted me about it, she’d been told by a few people that just guessed I had, so she went digging and asked the girl I cheated with and she admitted it to her. She hasn’t broken up with me yet she has just said she needs space and time to think about everything, and decide. What do I do to make it up to her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apologize first and give her some space. After that, you're probably going to have to make it up to her through your actions and try to get her to forgive you but you'll also have to mentally prepare to accept whatever happens since its a consequence resulting from your actions.

      Reply
  • Angiee

    I need your help, i was in a relationship with my ex for almost a year. But before him i was with the father of my kids, he was a man that cheated on me and would beat me. After i left him about a year later i met my last ex , we were together for almost a year and now im pregnant by him, but throughout the whole relationship i fucked up. I thought his love for me was just a joke, like he’d never really love me so i played games, ive really hurt him not once , not twice but many many times. He still stuck around and i was still blind enough not to see his love for me and my kids was real. We had gotten into an argument and i started having a conversation with a guy i have tatted on my arm and i made a comment saying “ yes hes always bitching about me having your name tatted lol “ and he saw that and he said i was making fun of him. He fogave me , but a few months ago i seen he had texted his ex girlfriend 2 days in a row about her giving him head , and taking her out to eat or the movies.. he lied to me and told me it was his friend who did that and weeks later i came to find out that it was actually him but he swears that nothing happened. Of course i dont believe it , but i forgave him because we are having a baby together. A few days ago he found a picture of a penis my ex had sent me, i didnt know i had it, it was in my google drive. So he got really mad about it and now says hes done with me for good. I really love this man and i was so blind to see his love for me in the beginning but i know his love for me is real and i dont want to loose him. I know at this point we’ve both lost our trust but anything i can do for us to work out again 😞

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give him some space for now to cool off, and perhaps try reaching out to him after at a slow and easy pace to see how he responds.

      Reply
  • Elisa

    I did the biggest mistake that i could ever done! Me and my boyfriend where together for almost a year and i love him endlessly. And he has always talked about having a 3:some just for fun. Well i was really against it but i didnt wanna seem like a chicken and a girl that doesnt risk. So one night me, my boyfriend (ex) and his best friend hot drunk. And then my boyfriend said that he wanna have the 3:some with all of us. In my brain i knew how bad it will turn out but i could insist. His best friend and i both said that he was out of his mind but he disnt stop beging us. As i said we were all drunk and nobody was thinking straight. After i went to the toilet and returned to the room i heard them say: do as i said, you take her from the front (bj) and i take her from the back. I fell usless and cluless. The next thing i remember is that i gave bj to his best friend. I teied to flush down my thought and regrets with more alckohol but it didnt help. My bf (ex) ran out and told everyone that i cheated on him. Even tho it was his idea. It has been now 4 days since we broke up. And i cant stand the fact that i lost him. I love him more then anything. And i messed up. I could just say nom why disnt I do that. Can someone help me, what should i do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      A boyfriend like that may not be someone worth having around, so you should seriously consider that. This borders on emotional trauma because he basically 'made' you perform acts on his best friend, claiming he wanted a threesome, and then turned around to say you cheated on him. In the future, you should be firm on your beliefs and not let wanting to impress your partner sway them so easily. If he loves you for who you are, he would respect your boundaries and not constantly try to persuade you to do things you don't want to.

      Reply
  • Shubham Yadav

    My girlfriend's friend and her friend's roommate kisses me. I told them not to do this I am in a relationship. Then I told all this to my girlfriend. But then those girls put sexual ligation on me, which are not true. And now my girlfriend don't trust me. I confessed everything, the truth. But nothing is working. Its being 1 month now after breakup. Both those girls are happily living and my girlfriend is also too happy after the breakup. But I am not. I love her. I told her I loved her so much and those ligation are wrong. I deserve a chance to prove myself that I am not that type of a guy. But she is not listening and hate me like hell.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There could have been an ulterior motive for them making advances on you and then turning around later on to twist the story. If these are the friends your ex is close with, bear in mind that even if you win her back, you'll still have to face them and risk running into more issues down the road.

      Reply
    • Shubham Yadav

      Then what shoud I do..??

      Reply
  • Michael

    Hey guys, I really messed up with the love of my life. We started dating during my senior year of high school. I loved this girl to death and everything was so good. She wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and I really pushed for us to have sex, but if I was to go back in time I would've never rushed her because it truly became the downfall of our relationship. I ended up going to university and then almost had sex with another girl but I told her to leave but we still kissed. I did not want to hurt my girl who was back at home and I started to go into a depression. Many months later I told her and she was happy I told her but suspicious of the fact that I told her later on. Then she saw our text messages while I was asleep which were also bad. Now a month ago we got into a huge argument and everything ended and she told me its over and it was the last straw. Anything I can do to get her back? She ignored my long texts and emails. I just initiated NC and she looks so sad whenever I see her on campus and I really just want to fix everything.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space to cool off and to let go of the negative emotions she may be feeling towards you, before attempting to contact her again to apologize and follow the guidelines found within this article. Alternatively, you could refer to this article on what to do after no contact has ended.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    So I cheated on my gf (kissed another girl) but I couldn’t bring my self to tell her. I waited 2 months and couldn’t do it still. I then decided to break up with her. She kept asking why and I finally caved and told her I cheated. She said if we talked it out before it woulda been better but now we broke up. We text every day still but she gets angry at little things and isn’t the same. I was really needy and she felt I was pushing for a decision too fast so I’m trying to not do that now. She said she wanted to work with me to fix things but I just can’t get her to hang out with me. I just started the no talking period today but I’m not sure what I should do after a week of not talking or if I should do the no talking period.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should start with no contact properly and give her some space for the time being. Remember that she has to process and deal with the emotions that you cheated on her, which may not be easy. Since she has expressed her interest in working things out, let her process on her own pace and when she's ready, she will probably contact you again.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Hey guys,

    So I was in a relationship with my girl and it was REAL. Like we spent the best part of two years together and I felt a real connection with her. We had so much in common and were planning a future together, although with no hard plans like plane tickets etc. We stayed together when she went to Uni but this is when I messed up and cheated on her with my ex. I'll explain the circumstances but I'm not trying to make excuses for myself or actions. Basically, my ex and I had a history but I was completely emotionally over her at this point and it was a momentary mistake of lust at the point. I felt like I needed human contact at that point and I missed my girl when she was at uni so much. Anyway, I came to the conclusion at that point that I should never tell her that it happened because I knew it wouldn't happen again and if I did tell her it would ruin our chances of a passionate and loving relationship. This was selfish of me but I thought it would be for the greater good in terms of our relationship.
    Fast forward year and a bit of amazing and happy relationship although some of it was long distance to the new years 2018 and I'm at a party with her and I see my ex there and there's some confrontation. The next morning she reveals to me something else that she wasn't supposed to find out about that I told her the night before when we were intoxicated. She goes back to uni then breaks up with me the next day. I couldn't handle it and I thought since we were now broken up she deserved to know the truth (like she did all along) so I messaged her about it and told her outright what happened when it happened and how it happened and the circumstances.
    Fast forward to now, she has called me a few times and messaged me a few times late at night when she was drunk and or depressed and I felt horrible because I was her first boyfriend and first time, so naturally, I responded because she seemed to be in a really bad place without me. We chose that meeting up at Easter was a good idea. This is until our most recent Skype call where she talked to me saying that she effectively thought that I 100% for certain wanted to get back together with her at Easter (which I definitely do without a doubt when we're both ready) so I told her that I don't know if I'll be ready to get back with her at that point in my life i.e. not sure if my personal improvement had reached the necessary point where I could see her taking me back and it lasting. She took it the wrong way because she thought it was me not wanting her back in spite of everything I'd done to her. She now has me blocked on a large amount of social media and I deleted her phone number because of the NC period. What is my best course of action now? Do I try to meet up with her to try and remain friends at Easter? Should I leave it be for a few months and hope she doesn't get a boyfriend in the meantime? I have also been writing her letters to let her know how much I think of her but without bothering her with constant notifications and messages. Is it a good idea to give these to her in person along with her possessions or maybe just mail them to her? What do you think is the best course of action here. She truly is very special to me in spite of everything that's happened and I want nothing more than to have her back in my life and for her to be happy above all else. She is at a university a long way away from mine and I'm scared that if we did get back together then it would fail straight away because of the stress of a long distance relationship. Could you please give me some insight?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Under these circumstances, it may be a good idea to give her some space to process and let go of the anger she possibly feels towards you. Follow the guidelines of our 5-step plan with regards to giving her space and what to do afterwards.

      Reply
  • NeedmySo

    Hi. I was in a relationship for 1 year and 1 month before my ex broke up with me because he didn't trust me cuse I had friends who were guys and he thought I was talking to another guy at the same time I was dating him. Btw I wasn't talking to another guy in a romantic way. The friends who were guys are strictly friends and nothing more. We've started talking again a bit, he told me that he doesn't trust me now and that he needs time to forget and it'll be perfect then. I've changed my friend group so now I only have friends who are girls and the only guy I'm talking to is him. I don't want to lose him, I want him to be mine again. Also I said that I'll be happy and positive around him so that he'll start trusting me again and that everything will be perfect.

    I'm really lost and I really need your advice on how I could increase the chances of him starting to trust me again. And yes I've done the stupid part of being an emotional wreck and begged him. Btw he lives in Sweden and I live in Finland so it was and will be long distance for a bit more than a year before we could be close to eachother.

    I just need help of earning his trust back and I don't really now what actions I could do to get him to trust me again.

    Please help me!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start by building up a friendship first, since you're talking to him and trust is earned over time, so you'll have to show him that you're no longer talking to other guys through your actions (when you're out with your girls let him know who you're with, etc) instead of just telling him.

      Reply
  • Nellly

    Hey.I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago .He thinks I was cheating on him by going to the beach with my church mate,before this,he had learned that I was conducting my ex whom we have never met for last seven years. I love him.In the first two weeks of the breakup Ibegged for reconciliation,but he claimed to have already moved on.I have been in the no contact period,but noticed that he still checks my WhatsApp status and even comments.I love him,but I don't want to look desperate by running after him. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with your life and perhaps give it another 1-2 weeks before initiating contact with him to check in with him and how he's doing.

      Reply
  • Zara91

    I have a relationship for 3 years and engaged before he studying in Sydney. At that time when he in Sydney, i cheated on him because i feel lonely and he knew it. So we broke up and i stay in relationship with the one that i cheated with. After a few months, i regret my decision for choosing him over my ex. So i broke up with him, and trying to contact my ex. Now my ex is back to Indonesia on holidays for 3 months. I contact him ask for meet up, he agreed and we have two greats night together with cuddling, kissing, and sex. He said he get carried away with his feeling for me. After the second night, he turn cold to me. Asking me to stop contacting him, and he said we have no future because his family doesnt like me and know about our break up condition. He banned me to come to his place to talk over this, block my number (but he didnt block fb and instagram), and his friend said maybe i should move on because the things is so messed up. Do you thing i still have a chance to get back with him?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might still stand a chance, after giving him enough space to let go of any negative emotions relating to the relationship and breakup. It might take a long while, and would be easier to simply let go of things since he's adamant about not getting back together this time around, so you would definitely have a tough time trying to convince him.

      Reply
    • Zara91

      He told me to move on and after that we can be friend again like before, and i told him that i know that we cant be back together and we can be friend. Did i do it right if i want to go back with him? What should i do to convince him that i already chance and will never do something like before?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should at least position yourself so that you're on good talking terms with him before trying anything more. It wouldn't work if you push for a relationship only as that might scare him away initially and ruin all chances of getting back together.

      Reply
  • Elijah Naidoo

    Hi there last week the love of my life left me. Well I havent literally cheated but last year my ex n I were chatting and even though I blocked her .leeandra found out about it and ended things...we then patched things up and continued. This year june19 would have been 7 years for us.... las wednesday she came across a msg on my phone where I told a girl not to msg me when im with my girlfriend. Honestly nothing was going on between us but I didnt want my girlfriend thinking something was so rather safe then sorry. Well it back fired as she now thinks I have been hoeing around. I tried talking and msging and its gotten me nowhere. I love her more than anything in this world. I will wait for her forever if I have to.I wouldn't lay hands on another woman I love her more then anything. Please could I have some kind of advice. Everyone's saying she will take me back but she was evening going to block me on whatsapp. Im not sure what to do. Please help please.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For now, the only thing you can do is to give her space and let her cool off before apologizing and trying to explain to her once more. Hopefully she will listen to you then, that you weren't cheating on her and just didn't want any misunderstandings.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    Hi there, thank you for taking the time to write this guide, your website is much appreciated. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago mid holiday because of all the fighting. We tried reconciling 2 months ago but we ended up fighting all over again, he told me I was insecure and I broke his trust by bitching about him behind he's back and he thought that it was the same as being cheated on. I am so sorry for what I've done, I begged him to give us a second chance but he refused. I've done no contact for 1 month now, and made version 2.0 of myself. he has responded to my messages. I'm scared that if I continue to message him he's going to see through that I want us to get back together. Where do I go from here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should take things slow, and talk to him with the same kind of projected intentions as if friends with no hidden agendas would. Definitely don't come across as pushy or desperate, and control your emotions (like getting upset if he doesn't reply, or showing jealousy, or anything that might make him raise his guard). Take things a step at a time for now, and build up positive vibes with him so that he's comfortable with eventually meeting up with you.

      Reply
    • sarah

      Thank you so much Ryan! your advice very much appreciated. Thank you again for your articles. it's a massive help, please keep up your good work :)

      Reply
  • Jenna

    Help, please! My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, we have an apartment and a dog. For a while no, i.e. 3 years, our sex life was almost inexistent until a total dry pell set in for 8 months. He did not want to get intimate and we had numerous talks about the issue; he remained passive and never worked towards it getting better. I felt unappreciated, defemivnized, etc.. At one point it was so bad that we barely talked to each other, did not even hug or kiss. I could not stand the situation anymore and ended up cheating on him. I confessed to what I have done, wrote him a letter explaining how he too hurt me. He said that he loved me but now doesn't know if there is anything underneath all the resentment. He is obsessed about the person I did it with, thinking i degraded him by choosing 'a subhuman' to cheat with. The problem is not that I did it but with whom I did it and he can't get over that, notion he lost all respect for me and now all he sees is one big STD and I have turned myself into a 'subhuman'. He also said that right now there is no way back for him but concedes that he needs time and there are just too many emotions underneath all the hurt and resentment. What should I do? I left the apartment for a bit but have to return at some point, since I have nowhere else to go and also have to work. In his response to my letter he simply stated that he is a 'cold northerner' and can't give me the lust and passion I want from a man (when all I ever wanted is some sign of affection and normal sex), and can thus never make me or any other woman happy in the long run. I do not know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If this is an important deal to you, it's something that you have to convey across to him. If he doesn't value your opinion and still isn't willing to compromise on this, you might be happier in the long run walking away from the relationship.

      Reply
  • Akhil

    I have followed everything. I did the no contact period for two months. I had a new number. She saved my new number and used to share what's app status. The moment I change what's app dp she used to change her dp. Last Saturday she didn't change the dp that way, I was confused shocked and called her rite away. I spoke shit and she was irritated. Next day I texted her and she was even more irritated. And the same irritation and me begging happened. What should I do now? Please help

    Reply
    • Akhil

      Please respond

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You have to take a step back and not overreact at little things. Bear in mind that you haven't gotten back together with her, and should not overlook that fact or start behaving in ways that overstep the boundaries of a friend. Apologize, and even consider applying no contact again for a short while to let her cool off.

      Reply
    • Akhil

      She herself msged me on Feb 13th as if nothing happened. She started talking as if nothing happened. I know first day I was supposed to talk very low but that night I got emotional and said I wanted her back. She said she has changed a lot and she only wanted to find out how I was, an ex can never be a friend. What should I do? I waited for two days and gave her a small random chat which went well. Should I follow the chat guidelines given in this website? Or should I give her some more time? She texted me after 4months and I shouldn't have rises the relationship topic. Rite now she is busy in a college fest. She won't won't even reply to my texts. Please help

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Leave her be for now to sort her festival because if you continue to push her for replies, she will get irritated and may even decide to block you. Follow the guidelines provided, but loosely, based on your own situation. I suggest letting her finish her event, before contacting her again to ask how it went, and take things from there.

      Reply
  • Jasmin Lopez

    So my ex of seven months broke up with me quite recently because of the fact that I cheated on him back in August. It was with his friend and we had sex but I realized my mistake and had changed and realized that it was a mistake. We got back together shortly after and we were good for two almost three months. Then in December he needed time to focus on himself but we kept in contact. He like other girls pictures and talked to other girls as friends. We got back together threee weeks ago and I was fully committed to trying to be better for our relationship and for him. Before December you had broke down crying and we were together and I comforted him. I had changed for the better then and there. So when he gave me a chance, I didn’t waste it this time. I treated him right and made him feel secure about us, yet he says he wanted time and felt rushed. So he broke up with me, this time saying it was for good and I’ve done to much damage. I truly do love him and learned from my mistakes. He says I was too late and that this break up is for good. He broke up with me not because of me doing anything wrong in this short time we were back together but over what happened when I cheated back in August. Is this truly for good or what can I do to show him that I wasn’t trying to hurt him or how I’ve changed for the better.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      He definitely has not let go of the incident yet, and by you being around him, would only remind him of it further. I suggest allowing the breakup to happen first, and giving him the time to deal with his emotions and let go of negative feelings before trying things again in the future. If the relationship you shared with him was a meaningful one, then it's likely that he would still have feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Elas

    I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago. She told me that she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me anymore. A year ago I cheated on her and kissed another girl and that's it. She found out a month after the that and told me she wouldn't break up with me and would try again. 5 months ago we started living together and after 4 months all went sideways. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore and still feels hurt after that incident. I gave her space for 3-4 days and contacted her. Tried to be fun and make her laugh, but she told me yesterday that she feels hurt and its hurting more when she is talking to me and when I try to make her laugh and feel happy. What should I do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should apologize and be sincere about making things up to her. She may feel that you're underplaying the situation and this makes her feel taken for granted, and like she doesn't matter. She might not trust you at this point, and you'll have to work on building that trust up in order to get her back to normal.

      Reply
  • Paul brown

    HI just broken up with my girlfriend of 7years for cheating on her how do I go about her back after she saying she never going to come back

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space to cool off and let go of the anger she has towards you. Start with No Contact and work on yourself before coming back later on to win her by proving to her that you've changed.

      Reply
  • Jeboris

    Hi Kevin
    My ex of 2 years and half broke up with me on the 14th December, because she find out that I’m on dating website and I messaged one girl! She think that I cheated on her when I didn’t , that website was a mistake to have it I shouldn’t have been on it on the first place, but honestly I didn’t cheated on her. Anyway she told me she don’t trust me anymore and she don’t want me anymore I did Begged and Pleaded Thursday all night and Friday all night with text and crying voicemail but she ignored me, I start the no contact rule I’m 10 days on it and I can’t stop think about her .. tomorrow is Xmas and I have got all her present and to do?? Please help me? What text message shall I send her after 30 days?? Many thanks for your help

    Reply
  • Daniel

    Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 months ago. She lost trust because I lied a couple of times about talking to some other girls. I’ve been visiting two other girls one time, but only as friends. She didn’t believe me because the two other girls said they were catching feelings for me so she thinks there were something more... We’re in same class at school so we see each other all the time. Sometimes she’s mad at me and sometimes she’s not. For one/two weeks ago she said she still had feelings for me, she asked me a lot about how everything is with me now, so I know she cares. The last couple of days we don’t talk so much, or only at school. But I feel she goes further away from me somehow. She’s telling me she wants to be friends, but I know I never can deal with that. I will do whatever it takes to win her back. I regret everything I’ve done and I know I will never do it again. I can see some of her friends talking to her about that their so glad she broke up with me and they’re so happy for her. I go in class with them too. It very hard. I stared recording myself one week after the break up, and I have done it everyday since then (40 days) where I talk about how much I want to have another chance etc. I’m gonna edit the videos and put them together Where I also will play a song I wrote for her. After New Year I will come to her house and show her the video. I feel that it will prove her how much I mean this and how much she means to me. What do you guys think?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      While it may seem sweet, it could potentially also make you look desperate and creepy in doing so. You might want to re-consider that, because if it backfires, you may have the whole class see you differently. I suggest talking to her once and if she doesn't respond positively, be prepared to cut contact with her for the time being to give her space.

      Reply
  • Dj

    So this girl is my high school sweetheart shes a year older than i am we dated all through out high school but broke up my senior year when she went to college. We still talked and had a physical relationship. She said we were working back to a relationship. She then made a friend and they became more than just friends and asked me if it was ok that she moved onto him. Even tho i was heart broken i said ok. Because i wanted her to be happy. After they were together for some months she cheated on him with me and got back together with me. We started dating again from then on. Until just recently. I broke her heart and her trust by kissing a girl at a party. This happened twice and i tols her about it as soon as they happened. My ex goes to college 3 hours away so when i told her she wanted to try and work things out and i agreed because i love her very much. I only kissed the other girl because i was still upset about the previous breakup. But i love my ex so much. Ive begged her to take me bacj and i apologized a thousand times she just tells me she doesn't believe me and it doesn't matter. She leaves me on seen all the time and i don't know what to do. She tells me she wants to be left alone. But when i brought up me leaving her life for good she says that's not what shes asking for. I fear that if i do leave her be that she will leave for good.. i don't knwo what to do and i feel like shes really the one im supposed to marry. Ps we've been dated for almost 3 years straight but 4 years all together on and off

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      I suggest right now since her wounds are still fresh, give her some space and time to let go of it. She may forgive you but it won't be so immediate. People need time to process and recover from the hurt, just like you deciding to kiss someone else because you were upset over the previous breakup. Give her some space for now and come back to her again after some time has passed. And if you really want her back, I don't recommend 'walking' away or pressuring her to get back together with you using that as a reason.

      Reply
  • Chad

    I recently lost my ex and she told me that this is the last time we are getting back together. We have all the same friends and we have stayed together for a year. I cheated on her multiple times but this time is the last straw she said. She just moved out and she is already dating a new guy but just last month she told me she loved me and we were still sexually active. I have begged bought nice things and still she hates me. Is this Guy a rebound and is there any hope I’ve started the NC period but it is the holidays and i had bought her gifts.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This may depend on her ultimately since you have cheated multiple times so it may be hard for her to forgive you in such a short period. I suggest giving her space and letting her be for now. You can tell her that you have a gift for her but if she doesn't want it, then you should go into No Contact already. The guy may be a rebound given that she jumped into it pretty quickly.

      Reply
  • Danica

    Hi me and my boyfriend are 5 years together we are engaged but he's in america im in italy, i cheated on him when i went in vacation. I admitted everything. So he broke up with me. It's been a month.i dont know if im selfish wanting him to come back to me
    He said he forgave me but doesnt know if her will ever trust me again. Our papers are on the way. I was mad at him when i did it. I felt unappreciated for years. He was cold to me in the last 3 years of our relationship sincE he left. I told him but i will never have any excuse to justify what i did. I dont know what to do to have him back. If i still need to insist on coming back to me or just to let him go. He still asnwer my calls he said he doesnt know if he will ever see me the same way again.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give him some time to move past this incident and although he forgives you, he still needs time to let go, while you need to put in effort in order to regain his trust.

      Reply
  • Shawn

    I was in a committed relationship for 1 year (we have been best friends before that for 2 years, so it felt like 3 years). I knew she was the one for me, but I was too scared to commit to her fully because of the religious and ethnic differences. I cheated on her with a girl of the same race and religion, but I felt no connection with the girl what so ever. She found out I had cheated on her and ruined my life by telling all of our friends and hooking up with one of my really close friends. I am still in love with her and still strive to do anything for her. I went a little crazy calling her and texting her a lot for 3 months after we broke up and then I finally gave her the space that she wanted for about 3 weeks now. I have wrote her apology letters, but now I don't know what my next step should be.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she still has not let go of what happened, it may be a good idea to continue with the no contact rule and just continue giving her space so that this whole incident is put behind you before trying to do anything again.

      Reply
  • Lily Jones

    Hey team, I hope you guys can help me out. I'm in such a mess. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs. It was going fine until we switched cities and he got more busy staying in a hostel and there was hardly any time for me. We guys started having petty fights. He barely talked to me or replied me back and so I started hanging out with a guy friend of mine. My bf told me not to go out with him but I did. Ended up being close to that guy and I initiated the breakup and left. He thinks that I cheated on him. It's been 3 yrs since the brk up. He contacted me initially after 6 months but I was tired to him pushing me around and not treating me well so I shut him out. He started talking to other girls and we had been talking off and on every 6 months. After a yr I asked him if he would stay and wrote long text messages explaining, begging and pleading. He said no I was a cheat. I still tried again after 6 months, the same response. I've tried for over a year off and on, and then I eventually left in April 2017. He texted a friend of mine in September that he has never found someone like me but he's still hurt. And that every good memory gets associated with the bad ones and the fights. I texted him in October and we had a nice decent chat, but he's hot and cold. He said he is recovering from depression and isn't sure about being committed right now. I don't have more than 3 months to give him time, coz I'm guna have to leave him then. But I was wondering if I could write a long apology text again and tell him that I'm trying to figure out things as well and I'm not sure either. Or should I just leave contacting him bcoz he just doesn't seem interested in having a convo and then he seems all into me. Please guys, help me :(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      hey Lily, if you had not done anything wrong, why write an apology letter? My suggestion is to talk to him, and have an honest conversation about how you feel, how you still have feelings for him, and how you weren't lying when you said nothing had happened between you and the other guy. Trust is a big factor in a relationship, and if he can't even trust your word when you guys have broken up, let alone if you guys get back together. If he doesn't trust you still and accuses you of being a cheat despite all that, then my suggestion would be to walk away and be fair to yourself. Do you want to always have to prove yourself at every turn if you guys get back together?

      Reply
  • Derrick

    I have a long term relationship for 7 years.however on our fourth year I met another girl and we had a relationship but didn't broke up woth the first.so I juggled 2 girls we lasted 3 years,I kept it in the shadows. I did not introduce her to my parents,last month the second ask for some space and that time I broke up with the first, I admitted to my first that had cheated and I'm choosing the second. I chose the second with no guarantee.My ex contacted her and revealed all, she was very angry with me and even our sex life is also revealed to her.she said that she cannot forgive me for what I did and I don't know what to do right now...I resorted to suicide 2 weeks ago.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Derrick,

      I suggest you seek professional help, if your feelings are overwhelming and you find yourself wanting to do anything reckless. On the relationship aspect of things, I think you should give them both space right now and focus on handling your own emotions first. I'm assuming that you want to be with the second girl again? It's going to be really hard to get her to forgive you, but it's not impossible. It'll take a long time and a lot of effort on your part to regain her trust. This isn't done overnight and if you feel like you don't have the patience to (make it up to her for an indefinite time), then my suggestion is that you seek help from friends or family in helping you cope with the emotions and focus on recovery first.

      Reply
  • Ademide

    I hate myself already!!! I love my boyfriend so much but I cheated on him. I dated another guy for one month. He found out about it and became so hurt. When asked if he still loves me, he said "Yes!!! But things would never be the same again." I just want my man back, the way he used to be. I regret my actions.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Then you'll have to slowly work on regaining his trust back with your actions and hopefully he'll come through on his end.

      Reply
  • Taanu

    Hey team, I have a hope frm u only now. We had this relation for 5 years ( our friendship+relationship). We were happy together. Things went wrong twice, once I was caught sending some nudes to other guy but he forgave me that time but the other time when - I met this frnd of mine n I started to like him, like his thinking, I started going out with him and my ex didn't like this he asked me to stay away frm both but I didn't as they were my old frnds but after a I while when I saw him getting hurt, I reduced making slow so that it's nt awkwrd. He thought I started liking him n after 2-3 months he left, he broke up with me.i love him so much, we were like yin and yang completing each other. It's been a month to our breakup, I've tried every possible way to get him back like writing long paragraphs expressing my love, being sorry, trying every possible way but he is not ready to come back. He is damn hurt, I knw I've done a big mistake n feel guilty for it. I m ready to change myself. Please guys I really need Ur help to get him back. I love him so much

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      You need to give him time to recover and forgive you before talking to him again. After everything that has happened, he will need time to see if he's willing to give you another shot. During this month that both of you have broken up, if you have been contacting him often and and coming across as needy or desperate, he will only feel like he wants to distance himself from you. I suggest taking another 30 days to apply the no contact rule in order to give both him and you space to clear your thoughts and after that, if you really want to be with him, then you could approach him again.

      Reply
  • Akhil

    I wish you would read my story and help me.

    I was in relationship with the same girl for one year. I wanted to break it. I had to stay at a new place for my project issues.I was single I was alone, I was bored. A new girl came into my life, Hooked up with me all of a sudden and left. Couple of weeks my ex planned for a meet and hooked up. When I finally met my ex I couldn't resist my regret and told her off I kissed my ex and showed her a photo. She broke in tears and left the topic. From the past three months she wanted to breakup with me. I wasn't able to love her properly. I believe this is because I had sex with other girl. There was a point where she wanted to cut me off fully.

    At the same time she discovered I flirt with two old people of my college. I played sarcasm on one of her friend asking for a night stay together. She found out I had sex with two others 4 months back. What is my position now? I begged her for one week. Now she thinks I am cheap, A flirt , A cheater.

    I love her for real. I did beg her initially. If I take up this program will it help me? Should I now clear all the misconceptions she has in her head? After no contact rule(2months planned) Will she think back I am a cheat and flirt? Whom do I contact to help me?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Akhil,

      This program works for the majority as long as you follow it and you're honest with yourself. However, as you're dealing with a fellow human being, at times the outcome can still be uncertain. I suggest for now, follow the plan as well as NC to give her space to calm down (as you mentioned, 2 months may be a good idea). Spend this time focusing on yourself and if you do ever get her back, prove to her with actions that you're loyal to her alone.

      Reply
    • Akhil

      I finally made up my mind to wait. I deal with a long distance relationship. So I am sure she will read the letter ill be sending her after one and half month. As this is a long distance relationship she doesnt have to meet me. I'm sure that 2nd of january shell be going to a place. Should I go there without informing her? What should I act like? How do I get her right side of the brain to work? Should things be formal? The moment I agreed I cheated on her she cried and said she still pities me. Maybe repeated calls and msgs pissed her off. I have no clue what my aim should be when I meet her. Please help.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your aim should be to give her space right now, and even when you decide to initiate contact again, be casual and not too pushy about it. You don't want her to feel like you're over stepping boundaries. Even if you know she is going somewhere, it's best not to 'surprise' her there but rather, properly arrange for a meet up.

      Reply
    • Akhil

      Do Kevin's template mails work for cheating cases? He said I need to approach her when she looses all her irritation and anger, Missing would happen after that. When do I know the exact time she will be missing me? If I miss time contacting her. She might move on or still get irritated

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Akhil,

      There is honestly no fixed time as it differs from every individual and the context of what happened. However, if the relationship was a strong one and you were both emotionally committed, you'll have to disregard your insecurity of her moving on in such a short time, and trust that if you approach her in the future, you'd be able to win her over again (provided you have done your part to change).

      Reply
    • Akhil

      7 more days for one month of no contact period, After the breakup I begged her for two weeks. She told one of her friend that she even lost irritation at me by the end of two weeks. Now, She put a fake reason and contacted my friend to know how I was doing. She told him she still hates me, it would be good if i don't repeat it with anyone else. Long back she forgot to block me on insta, I liked a few posts recently and she blocked me there too. What should be my next move? I am ready to put last inch of me to get her back. Please show me a path. 7more days for my no contact period (1month)

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she has not unblocked you, and you have no way to contact her, you could ask your friends who keep in contact with her, to find out why she still hates you and whether she is saying that for the sake of it or really means it. There may be a chance whereby you have to continue with the NC period indefinitely if she still is upset with you, until a reasonable amount of time has passed for her to have moved on from her hatred or anger.

      Reply
    • Akhil

      I've been in relation for one year, and I've never seen her pissed off that bad during the breakup. She herself called my friend for a fake reason to find out who I am, She told him she still hates me. I think it would be ridiculous on her side if she says I don't hate him anymore. I really want to thank you and kevin for helping people. I'm a student and I cannot afford advanced techniques. Thank you for your patience. Lastly, where can I get letter templates from?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No worries Akhil,

      If she still won't forgive you, then it's something you have to wait out for a indefinite period until she finally lets go of her anger. What do you mean by letter templates?

      Reply
    • Akhil

      New twist in the tale, She unblocked me on Facebook for 4days, Unblocked me on whatsapp, All of a sudden she blocked me on Facebook for no reason. Its been a month I've seen some positive sign from her side. I lost my simcard. She must have tried calling me. I have no clue how I should proceed if she approaches me. I have read Kevins mails asking to stay cool. But, I've changed my profile picture three times already. I stare at her profile all day and She is never online. What to do now?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Akhil,

      It's not about staying cool, but actually feeling so. To elaborate, you should be working to reach a point where you aren't staring at her profile all day and have your thoughts filled with her. It should be a point that even though you want her back, mentally and emotionally, you'd be okay if she doesn't.

      Reply
    • Akhil

      Got a little excited when she unblocked me. I have that in my mind that she might not come back. I just want to give my best. Ryan! Tell me what to do. She has my only number and I lost my simcard. She unblocked me, so should I go with the next step of of texting her?

      Reply
  • Ashamed

    I feel so ashamed in myself I don't know how I could let this happen me and my partner had already gone through a rough patch he had moved his stuff out prior to this happening we were just starting to get our stuff back together you know working things out and he was starting to care for me and wanting to be around me again then I stuffed it all up I have a big problem with alcohol and I got very drunk with a friend at my house I told him I didn't want anything to happen because I really do love my boyfriend I don't know why I continue to drink I blacked out and came to with my partner breaking down my door and bashing the guy while he was on the floor I honestly wouldn't do anything like that if it wasn't for drinking I have a problem with alcohol and I should have known better I should not have been drinking without my partner and I know that I feel so guilty and I hate myself I can't believe I could destroy my relationship I never wanted anything to happen and I shouldn't oftrusted my so called friend not to try anything whike i was in that state but he did. it's been not long but he hasn't spoken me I left like 100 messages I don't know what to do he won't give me the chance to explain what happened and I know it's my fault I don't have anyone to turn too, he's the only person who has stuck around for me through everything I've put him through.. he already thought about ending the relationship now I've destroyed everything I don't know what to do.. will he contact me again I know he's really hurt and I hate myself for what's happened I Dont know what to do :'( :'(

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey there,

      Perhaps have you ever considered therapy if you really have a drinking problem? Right now, as the relationship was already on thin ice and it broke because of the incident, it's best to leave him alone at the moment and not contact him. Give him some time and space to calm down and also give yourself some time to regain your composure. I know it's unfortunate, but the incident has already happened and you do have to mentally prepare yourself if he decides not to forgive you anytime soon but you also have to accept that it has happened and try to come to terms with it.

      Reply
  • Heston

    Hello Team, I am 22 years old and I'm going to try summarise it all quickly. I was with my ex for 3 years she is my first love, I met her when was 18 and we were together for about 7 months before leaving her for another female who I had a fling with for 6 months. My ex took me back after that ended and I gave it my all but I wasn't getting the same back, so she said she is unsure if she can trust me. I left and many months on she said she loves me and she can't do without me so after a while we got together mutually putting our all in to it. Soon after I got bored as she didn't want to have sex before marriage and although I loved her I was too young to commit to marriage, therefore I flirted with some girls and got caught and things went sour again, so she was hurt and said leave me be.

    Now this was last year and I accepted it all and let her be after trying very hard to get her back she insisted on being unsure and not ready, then later on she reached out to me a few times during no contact but I didn't reply or bother as of that. I spoke to her after a few months and she said she's speaking to someone else and almost attempted to make me jealous I said good luck and just kept it civil as she wished. Later on she started giving me mixed signals and behaving as if she loves me then she would take it away once I expressed my wish to get her back. She would then say she's not ready and is unsure, she says she loves me and therefore the reason why she hasn't cut me off. But every time I move cold shoulder she seems interested, when i show affection she backs off. She says she isnt giving mixed signals, and doesnt want to lead me on yet.. she behaves like this?
    I keep disappearing for a few months when she behaves like this and then come back and it's the same cycle. So I'm unsure if i should stay friends for as long as it takes or shall I just cut ends.
    She said she doesn't want a relationship and enjoys peace of mind, yet loves me and maybe later we will be together again and give me another chance.
    Bottom line is i love her and it's been a year and she's still saying the same stuff. I just feel guilty for flirting with other girls during our time and maybe that's my downfall. Should I stick around or shall I leave ? Please could I have some specific advice as this is a bit complex and on going. Thank you .

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Heston,

      Personally, I feel that you guys should stop playing games with each other. At least on your end, if you're really in love with her, you have to stop flirting around and if you know you're going to get bored again some time into the relationship, you shouldn't go back into it. Each time you've done that in the past, you've made her more and more unsure of you and getting back together because the trust keeps getting broken. This could be why she's particularly hot and cold towards you this time around. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, just that she probably doesn't trust you at this point.

      If you do want her back, I suggest having an honest and open conversation with her about this and convince her (with your actions) that you're willing to do what it takes to win her back.

      Reply
  • Monica

    I am 17. My ex and i were together for more than 18 months. But i made the biggest mistake in my life by cheating on him. I made out with my former ex while i was drunk. I broke his heart and i am ashamed of myself. I really want him back as i love him more than anything.Do i even deserve another chance? And can things come back to normal even if we get back?Will he be loyal to me again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hey Monica,

      People make mistakes from time to time, I'm not saying that what you did was justifiable but it has happened. From here on out, you deserving a second chance is entirely up to you and how you are able to convince him that you're sorry and get him to forgive you.

      Reply
  • Bri Lopez

    I’m 17 and I betrayed my boyfriend I didn’t sleep with anyone or anything physical when it Came to me cheating, but I was very flirtatious and met one guy at a park nothing happened but he was very upset. I would let my exes and olds flings flirt with me and disrespect my relationship even though they knew about my boyfriend, now he is 18 and I know we young but we planned a future everyday he reassured that we would reach it. Despite my actions he gave me chances after he found out what I did and then I would also lie. Now we have broke up and he put me in the friend zone but from questioning him I could tell there is hope he just wants to get the trust back and be able to know I’m only for him. For the last few days I’ve bddn showing I want this but last night we got into a heated argument and he left. In the argument I was being selfish and pretended like nothing happen that he should treat me the same. I thought pretending would be a way of getting us back, I failed and I want to work on this and get him back. Please help me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi Bri,

      Do follow the 5 step plan and more importantly, be honest with both yourself and him if you decide you still want him back after following all the steps.

      Reply
  • RoB

    Hi kevin

    Hope you’re well! I just purchased your book sounds like an awesome article that will help me make the right move in the future. I was in a healthy and full of love relationship with my bestfriend. (Gay relationship) we were together for almost 5 years. 6 months ago he found out i cheated and slept with random guys over a hook up app. We had a massive argument and almost broke up but decided to work it through. We both have cheated in the past but always seem to work it out. Last week he caught me again on the App and now it’s real. We broke up and i moved out right on that day. He still says things like “i will always love you and this is the hardest thing ever even if i was badly betrayed i am thankful i met you” or “i miss you too but i can’t be with you” this is after few days of being separated. I am seeking professional help and i have finally decided what i have been doing is because i was selfish. I needed something to boost my esteem and it was cheating that led me into getting the attention. We work in the same hotel but don’t see each other much. We have a dog together, a car, properties etc. i am loosing hope each day however i read your article and somehow gave me relief. In all honesty, do you think there’s a slight chance we can work things out and get back together even if i have cheated numerous times? My friends and his family all hate me and i have no support other than my family now. I am very serious about this change as i really do not want to lose him in my life at all. I am considering booking a psychologist or a counselling together (even if were not talking or together) do u think this is a good idea? Please help!

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Rob,

      Yes, it's the best thing you can do right now. As I say in the article above, you just need to show him some hope. He wants to trust you again. He just doesn't know how to.

      Reply
  • Kenneth

    Hi kev, I'am really confuse,has suicidal attempt and I regret seeing myself looking at your site right now,anyway.thanks for this,had a good read though i was just on the 1st part. I hope that this would help me win her back.regards

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Kenneth,

      If you are getting suicidal thoughts, please contact a suicide hotline or find a mental health care professional IMMEDIATELY.

      Reply
  • Dave

    I cheated for the first time in 3 years but this isn't the first time I have hurt my gf. I have been caught flirting with other girls and even made arrangements to see women on Craigslist but I never did anything with those women. I have lost her and I truly do not want any other women in this world but her. She tells me she does not want to be with me. She says she will never be able to trust me again because I have her so many reason not to please help me get the love of my life back!

    Reply
  • Jim

    Hello Jim here.

    My girlfriend left me due to me texting a girl I used to mess around with. This hasn't been the first time. More the the third. I really do love her an we have children. She doesn't trust me anymore and I understand that. But I still want us to work it out an be a family. We are still in contact she just feels like this won't work. I really want it to. I was planning on marrying her before all this mess. Yes I was drunk when I texted that other girl and said some very sexual things. What's my chances on winning her back. She also said she is now talking to someone that she claims would never do what I did.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Jim,

      I recommend following the advice in the article. You need to make some serious changes in yourself to show her that you are capable of being the man she wants. The easiest way to show her is to get professional help. You can start by getting therapy or joining a 12 step program.

      Reply
  • Rach

    Hi Kevin,

    I'm in a relationship with this guy for 1 year plus. I cheated on him by using a dating app and chat with other guys. He found out and want to leave me. He is Super angry and hurt. I'm wrong to cheat and there is no excuse. But I love him and I want to get back to him. He told me to continue with the guys I chat on dating app and move on with my life. I know he won't forgive me that easily, he ask me to stop texting him. I tried so hard the following day not to text him at all. Later at night he texted me asking me how to use the dating app which he also downloaded to try. I can only say sorry but the trust is broken I don't know how I can fix that. I mentioned I will respect his decision. Would you be able to give me any advices? Should I really not text him again? I really love him and told him I won't make the same mistake anymore but he said it's too late. Is there any ways I can get him back?

    Reply
  • Ram charan

    I am an indian, i doubt if the pyscology of the girls here match to what u say plsease let me know.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      It does. It's basic human psychology. It works everywhere. There might be some cultural differences. Perhaps, family pressure or religious values might affect their decision. But the basics of attraction still works.

      Reply
  • Connie

    Hi Kevin,
    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months. We have so much in common and our relationship seemed so perfect. But for some reason I made the awful decision to sleep with someone else one time. I told him about it recently and he was so hurt. I regret doing it everyday and I don't know what to do. I hate the fact that I hurt him. He says there's hope and he hasn't left me, but I don't know how to get him back. I don't know how to mend the damage that I've done. I still love him so much and he tells me he really loves me too. I realize I hurt him in the worst way possible, how do I help him trust me again and go back to how we were or be better? I never want to do anything like that again and I really regret it. I don't want to lose him.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Connie,

      It's good that he sees hope. You can build on that hope and reach a level of trust better than before. But you both will need to work on it. I can't go into specific details on how to go about it because it's not my expertise and it will be too long for a comment. But I will definitely recommend couples counseling and will advise you to look into some programs (or books) that help people rebuild trust after infidelity.

      Reply
  • CP

    Hi Kevin,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now.
    We are having a break because I admitted I had emotionally cheated on him for 4 months during the time we've been together. I've already ended that affair before I told him the truth.
    It's been 10 days now since the break started. But we already talked through a lot of stuffs, and already met 3 times.
    He told me he will make the final decision whether we should be together or not.
    But everytime we met, he hugged me and said he loves me, and even said he has hope and asked me to have hope too.
    I know I'm afraid of losing him.
    But at this moment, what should I do? Should I be paranoid about the final decision?

    Reply
  • kate

    Hi Kevin,

    me and my boyfriend of 2 months were going out and we were super happy and closer then ever, then one night out with him i got extremely drunk and got with someone else, it was just a kiss but he saw and now he has no trust in me, he says its over because he cant trust me but i still want to get him back and i need to build his trust back up, i have sent him lots of messeges but he rarely replies, i am starting the no contact period but if he has said its over and doesnt trust me, where do i start in order to get his trust back?

    Thankyou f

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Kate,

      To be honest, you are looking at an uphill battle. It's been only two months and he wasn't invested in you that much to put in the effort of rebuilding trust. Your best bet is to give it a couple of weeks of NC and then try contacting him again. But again, your chances are very less.

      Reply
  • Jose

    Ps
    How long should I do the NC rule for my situation?

    Reply
  • Jose

    Hello,
    Me and my GF have been dating for about 1 year and a half and about a month ago I ended the relationship because I thought at the time that I had feelings for someone else and that my GF wasn't really the girl I should be with. I entered into a relationship with the other girl for about a month and then realized that I was extremely wrong and my GF really is the one I should be with! So I have been trying everything I possibly can to win her back and some days are good with us but lately it has been just horrible and she wants nothing to do with me, she says she doesn't trust me and she can't believe I left her for another girl. She tells me she still loves me and wants to try again but that I need to just "let her be" and today I wrote her a email saying I was gonna give her space and that I will contact her when I'm ready. Should I have not said that? I feel that if she contacts me though I will be weak and give in and respond back.
    What also is a problem for me is the fact that she has gone out on a couple of dates with this guy, it really bothers me and makes me very depressed. She says she likes him and the "he is nice", is he something to worry about?
    I really do not want to lose her and I kind of feel like I have and it's hard to have hope, it's hard to know what to think or do when I feel like I am a roller coaster of emotions and I can't get a grip on anything.

    If I can have any advice on my situation I would be extremely grateful, I now know how special this girl really is.
    Thank you very much

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You didn't do anything wrong with that email. The first step is to get a hold of yourself and regain composure. You are on the right track. All the best.

      Reply
  • Jm

    Kevin, me and my ex were dating for 5 years until in 2013 I made the horrible mistake of cheating on her, I realized that mistake and gave her space and about 4 months later we got back together, I messed up and hung out with the same girl again and my gf found out about it again and now we have broken up. she says she is confused and doesnt know what to do and needs space. what should I do?

    Reply
  • Matthew Y

    Hi Kevin,
    My girlfriend and I have been together 20 months. I'm 29, recently finished grad school. She's 20, and a college senior. We exchange I love you's, live together, and we had been planning to stay together after she finishes school until...

    I was out of town for several weeks recently , and signed up for a dating app, and flirted/sexted with women, and entertained the idea of hooking up. I never met anyone in person or physically cheated. I'm ashamed to say some of the sexting stuff was very explicit, and I now realize it was definitely cheating. I also bragged/joked to some guy friends about some of this, which was how my girlfriend found out (she read my text messages after I got home). I've also had wandering eyes in the past, and grappled with the idea of monogamy. I want to change and grow out of all this, no matter what happens between my gf and I.

    I've made some of the mistakes in the 48 hours since this happened (begging/pleading, profusely apologizing and using pity). But I think I can stop and use some of your 5 steps. We've talked twice and she seems fixed on splitting up (90% of her stuff is packed and moved to her parents, who live nearby). But she has been open to communicating/meeting to talk more, despite a very explosive initial reaction to the discovery.

    So I guess where I'm at now is how or should I just accept the breakup she seems to want, and use the no contact period to make positive changes in myself (mainly addressing the cheating, and figure out how to grow out of that crap). Right now I still love her and want to patch things up, but I'm worried about how much of what I'm feeling is out of desperation/fear/panic.

    Maybe I need to take some time to make changes in me, so I won't do the same thing again. I'm also sober, it's been over 5 years, and I do the 12 steps. So this has been a huge wakeup call for me in terms of living a sober life as a sober man. I can't do this crap and stay sober. So my sponsor is helping me too.

    Anyways thanks for a great website, I'll sign up for the emails, and look forward to your advice on this comment.

    Reply
  • Aniel

    Hi Kevin I recently posted a comment about my situation with my ex breaking up with me because he said he is not ready for a relationship right now. I was in the middle of my contact rule and he confessed that the reason why he broke up with me because he was feeling so guilty and regret what he had done. He got drunk and slept with another woman about 2months ago while we are still together. It was only one time and he said he regret it everyday. He was afraid to tell me the truth because he doesn't want me to hate him. I feel like he really meant his apology but what he did caused me in a lot of pain. I still love and I know he loves me too. I just don't know if I should take him back or what will be the next step.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey,

      You should tell him you need some time and space and do NC for a while. (at least 2 months) Read about infidelity during this time and hopefully you will be able to make a well-informed rational decision after no contact.

      Reply
  • Diana

    Hey, I am going through a tuff situation with my partner. We were together for 8 months. When we broke up I was needy and despreate but then I stop contacting him. Now, we are talking again. I tried everything in my power to make this work and I even told him I love him. At the moment he sends me mix messages. He wouldn't text me first but when I do he replies right away; however, I didn't text him yesterday understanding why he is mad and I am willing to give him time and space to make things work but he haven't text me back. I believe he's still hurt and confuse. I want to follow the no contact rule again but this time not reply back. If he contacts me and I ignore it, when should be the best time to call or text him again? Keep in mind it was a very bad break up, I wouldn't want him to feel like I don't care or if I'm doing something. I wouldn't want him to give me the same treatment if I decide to contact him the next day.

    Reply
  • Wesley

    Hi Kevin
    I met my girlfriend online and we started off as friends with benefits. Initially, she was sort of using me to forget about this guy and I was using her to forget about this girl. We somehow managed to fall in love.
    We have been officially together for only 2 months, but we were technically together for at least 6-8 months. We are both 21..
    Halfway throughout the relationship, I started to have anger outbursts and did not treat her as well as I would have during the start. I did treat her nicely at times though, cooking for her meals and all that.
    It was one day whereby I went crazy, I told her that I wanted to try having sex with other girls. There was once whereby I went complete bonkers, and cheated on her with another person (a guy that looked like a girl) out of curiosity. Needless to say, I was super guilty and confessed that night. She somehow forgived me. I could not remember but I guess I didn’t not treat her as well as I should have…. And we broke up. We still kept in contact and saw each other, telling each other we loved each other and sex. As far as I’m concerned we were still together
    It was one day whereby she told me that there was this guy who was interested in her. I did not want to be unreasonable so I told her to try things out with that guy before making her decision, and that I wanted her to be happy. We ended having sex that night. I thought she would come back to me, until she told me that she decided to be with the other guy because he was much more mature and a whole bunch of other reasons, she felt that she has given me too many chances and that she merely treated me as a friend, she did mention that what we had was real.
    I begged her not to leave me. But she did anyways. I sent her a text telling her that what I did wasn’t true, about the cheating and other things. She of course accused me of lying, but said that we were still friends. I gave her my blessings and she did as well. The thing is, before we got together, she lied to me that she slept around a lot because she thought I liked girls like that. I’m truly confused now that I think about it
    Did I make the right choice by sending that text? Was I a rebound myself? Is the other guy a rebound? Is there any chance I can get her back? Please Kevin reply this comment, I’ve written comments a few days back but they are still not shown whereby later comments have already surfaced. I hope you see this and hear from you soon.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Wesley,

      I think you were a rebound. And to some extent, she was a rebound for you as well. In my opinion, the only reason you are on this website is because you feel rejected and you are going through the bargaining stage of the breakup grief.

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Hi Kevin. I know maybe it's just me not accepting the fact. But we did lots of things together. I was the first guy she has ever stayed over with, the first guy she ever had unprotected sex with, and the first guy she has ever showered together with..

      I know all these may not make any sense , but I know it was real for the both of us. The tears we shed and all that. I'm sorry if I came off defensive, that's not my intent. May I know if I still stand a chance to get back together with her? I've been doing no contact for about a week already..

      I hope to hear from you soon, and I'm glad my comment has finally been moderated. Thank you

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Sorry for the double post, I know you're really busy Kevin and I thank you for the service you're providing for everyone here. Was hoping if you can answer the rest of the questions as well if it's possible? Do you think if the other guy is a rebound?

      I found out from a friend that she definetely knows that I'm lying about the last text I sent her because she read my texts on my phone before...

      Thank you once again Kevin.

      Reply
    • Wesley

      P.S The guy she was trying to forget was sort of a fling.

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Hi Kevin. Sorry if I have been flooding your website. I didn't catch the message whereby you wouldn't be active.. Anyway a lot has happened since.

      First of all, she didn't wish me happy birthday. I tried messaging her a few days back, keeping it casual. Trust me it hurt a lot seeing her with another guy. She was really polite and cold. If it makes sense. Doesn't feel like the girl I knew. Throughout messaging each other, she kept changing her display picture of her and the guy, and changed her whatsapp status to something lovey dovey. I told her to take care just after like 3-4 replies, mostly me asking if she has eaten and all that.

      She did message my friend's girlfriend, asking her if i am really fine. She told her that although we broken up, she still treats me as a friend.

      I'm really lost at to what to do now.. What should I do Kevin? Continue messaging her or what? I only messaged her only after 2 months of no contact. Or should I wait it out longer? I'm really so lost....

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Wesley,

      The fact is, even though first times are special moments, they don't necessarily make someone emotionally invested in the relationship. In fact, most of the relationships where a couple is each others first don't really last. How many high school sweethearts actually end up together for the long haul? Not much.

      I think there's a chance that you can get her back, but I will recommend you apply no contact for at least 2-3 months before making a move. This way you can be absolutely sure you are getting back for the right reason and not just because you are feeling rejected.

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Ic... Thank you Wesley.. May I know why you would recommend 2-3 instead of the 1month you stated? I will try to abide to your rules. Do you think theres any chance that guy is a rebound?

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Thank you Kevin*

      Reply
    • Wesley

      Hey Kevin, it's been awhile since you replied.. I hope you can find some time to reply these messages soon. I know you're a busy guy so all the best.

      P.S My birthday is in about 2 and a half weeks, that would be about 1month and 3 weeks since we broke up, should I invite her over to my party if I happen to have one? It's gonna be my 21st bday.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      The reason I recommend 2-3 months instead of one is because it was your first relationship. In my experience, in cases like yours, it takes more time to see the relationship for what it was. Since it's the first time you will be experiencing the grief of a breakup, you will take a long time to recover from it.

      Reply
  • Marielle

    Hi Kevin,

    My boyfriend and I dated for 5 years, and midway through the relationship I cheated on him. After a couple of months of trying my best to get him back, we reconciled and were better than ever. However, around our fourth year together I had a miscarriage and that really affected our relationship. I was very depressend and I broke up with him. I thought I was really over him and here is where I messed up: I started dating the same guy I cheated on him with. My ex was really hurt and hated me. Things with the new guy didn't last long and I realized that I still had feelings for my ex boyfriend. Eventually, I tried to get my ex back but he said that even though he still cares for me and will always help me with the whole miscarriage thing, he doesn't want to get back with me because his feelings about me have changed. I've tried apologizing and even begged him to give me a another chance but nothing works. He still helps me with my miscarriage issues. I am still very depressed and going to a therapist to get better. My ex still supports me with that. Because of our past, I'm not sure if the NC rule applies to me. I really want to get him back. Do you think I still have a chance with him or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

    Reply
  • steven

    Hi Kevin
    me and my partner were together for 8 years engaged and have a daughter together and own two houses. i did some stupid things to betray her trust and last Oct 2013 she split up with me over something I did back in March 2013 I did the usual I pleaded with her ever time i seen her when I dropped little one back. Then I'd leave her alone for a few weeks then Feb I found out she had been on a date so I started being needy asking her to think about us give us a chance for a couple of days then I left her alone for 6 weeks or so till she told me out the blue she was seeing this bloke she had been on a date with he's the only person she dated since us she says she's taking things slowly and seeing how it goes i know she's checking my fb cuz she made a comment about a pic I tagged a female friend in i just don't know what to do about his bloke she's seeing is it serious or just a rebound some advice you be much appreciated

    Thanks steve

    Reply
  • Liam

    Hi Kevin,

    My girlfriend and I dated for over a year, and midway through the relationship I cheated on her twice. I was very insecure and I regretted doing this almost instantly. I believe I had anger issues as well (never physical of course, but verbally) and I think these insecurities led to the cheating.

    Eventually, she broke up with me but we kept living together. Last month she met someone else and moved back. She wanted to stay in contact and has been jumping back and forth between "maybe someday we can work things out" to "let's be best friends" to "we shouldn't speak to each other" - she only started saying the last one when I began to message her really needy things. I'm on day 3 of the three day plan, and she has made her cover photo on Facebook a picture of George Harrison with lyrics to "My Sweet Lord" as the caption - this was one of our favourite songs together.

    Do you think I should even bother with the 5 step plan or should I make adjustments? I understand where I went wrong and I truly believe I wouldn't make the same mistakes again, but like I said she has a new boyfriend.

    Your advice?

    Thank you/

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yes, you should follow the 5 step plan. Her new relationship is probably rebound and it'll end soon.

      Reply
    • Liam

      Sorry there was a typo in there, I should have said she met someone else and moved *out*, not back.

      Still, your same advice stands?

      Reply
    • Liam

      Oh wow, so she just unfriended me on Facebook.... what's next? Just re-add her after 30 days?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't add her. If she adds you back, then accept her request. But don't add her from your side.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Yeah, I understood the typo.

      Reply
    • Liam

      I slipped up and began talking to her after 7 days of NC, she seemed interested for a bit but then she lost all interest in talking to me and it feels like I'm back to square 1. What now? I feel like she is much happier without me.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      You should start no contact again if you still want to pursue her. I think you showed some neediness which she picked up on and then lost interest.

      Reply
    • Liam

      So after 3 days of no contact she is sending me snapchats which I'm not replying to. Do you think 30 days is too long in my case? Sorry for all of the questions, as you can probably tell though I feel a lot of guilt.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      If she keeps contacting you for the next few days, tell her you need some space and time and continue no contact. I don't think 30 days is too long.

      Reply
    • Liam

      Do you think I should buy her am elaborate gift for Easter and just drop it in her mail box without messaging or anything, maybe just a card with it?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Absolutely not.

      Reply
    • Liam

      Someone told her I have been telling people we broke up because she cheated on *me* (I haven't been doing this) and she sent me a message (7 days into NC again btw) calling me a bunch of names asking me what my problem is.... what do?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Don't do anything. If she keeps on contacting you, tell her you didn't do any such thing and you need space and time and you'll appreciate it if she doesn't contact you for a while.

      Reply
    • Liam

      So basically, after she sent me that message I said to her I didn't do any such thing, she said "I don't know if I can trust you, but I hope the family is well". I said they were, we got to a brief chat and we made plans to walk our dog together (who lives with me). We got on really well, laughter and all of that, that we hung out for basically 24 hours. She mentioned to me she was going away for the Easter long weekend with her new boyfriend and I just said something along the lines of "Oh that will be fun".

      We made more plans to hang out this coming week, and it seems like we're getting along, but I've read other things on the internet that say it's important to not just become friends with her, because she'll soon leave entirely.

      What do I do? I miss her too much to start another period of no contact and the concept of losing her forever makes me miserable, especially when I think about all the things I should have but didn't do in the relationship and how horribly I treated her. It's been almost 2 months since she moved out and it's not getting any easier. What do I do?

      Reply
    • Liam

      ^To add to that, next time I see her should I just wait until the time feels right and apologise for the way I acted and tell her I've grown?

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Liam,

      Since you never completed no contact and considering you are still hurt and you are still putting her on a pedestal, you should start no contact again and this time, keep it for 30 days. Read the checklist in the beginning of fourth step of the 5 step plan.

      Reply
    • Liam

      Do I even have a chance of salvaging this? People keep telling me to give up but I care about her so much. It seems like she'd be having a lot more fun with her new boyfriend now.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Liam,

      If you don't want to give up, then you should at least follow through the plan once. If it doesn't work, you will know for sure there isn't a chance anymore. As for her having fun, every new relationship is fun in the beginning. Especially rebounds. So don't worry about that.

      Reply
  • Elle

    I was emotionally unstable and abusive due to being really depressed. Three days prior to the breakup, he said he still wanted us to work. I got antidepressants and I regret everything I've done. I am stable and not abusive. I hurt my ex. We've been together a year and a half. He says part of him still wants me. Then be he says he doesn't want me. He acts sweet and polite, then cold. He doesn't want to talk to me and says I'm annoyimg him. How do I get him back? :/

    Reply

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