Whether or not you can get your ex back after cheating depends on three factors. We will talk about these three factors in a moment. But first, let’s talk about something far more important than getting your ex back.
Why You Cheated
OK, I understand. Monogamy is hard. Heck, monogamy is even unnatural.
But monogamy is something that you agreed to when you started the relationship with your ex. When you decided to be exclusive, you promised them that you would only be with them and not anyone else. And by cheating on them, you broke that promise. You betrayed their trust and you hurt them. You hurt them really bad.
The question is why?
Why did you hurt this person who trusted you with all their heart? Why did you betray them when you knew that it will end the relationship that you cherished so much?
There is a general opinion that the reason for cheating is different for men and women. The opinion is that men usually cheat mostly because of lust. They cheat because they are just horny and they want to have sex with as many beautiful girls as they can.
On the other hand, people believe, that women cheat because their emotional needs are not met in the relationship. They cheat because they are emotionally attracted to someone else and not just because of physical lust.
I personally don’t think it’s always the case. Men and women both can cheat because of either physical lust or emotional reasons (Also, both physical and emotional cheating can be devastating to a relationship). It just depends on what type of person you are. In my experience there could be three reasons for cheating.
1. Cheating in the spur of the moment.
You find someone attractive and you had a little too much to drink. You made a mistake and the next thing you know, you did something that you shouldn’t have.
2. Cheating Because Of The Relationship Had Problems
You find yourself in a position where you are not satisfied with your relationship. You decide that a little affair might make you feel a little better about yourself. You end up having an affair and destroying your relationship.
3. Cheating Because You Just Can’t Handle Monogamy
Perhaps you are the type of person who just needs to sleep with other people. Perhaps, sleeping with a lot of people makes you feel better about yourself. Perhaps, a monogamous relationship is not for you.
A Few Questions You Should Ask Yourself
Before you continue, it’s time to do a little soul searching.Asking yourself the following questions will help you get some perspective.
- What was missing in your life that you decided to cheat on your ex?
- Are you sure that if you get your ex back, you will not hurt them again?
- How do you know you will not have the same problems in relationship that you had before (which lead you to cheating)?
- Even if you get back together, things will be more hectic than before, do you think you two can handle it?
- Getting your ex to start trusting you again will require a lot of hard work and sacrifices (you may have to give up your privacy for a while). Are you willing to do that hard work and make those sacrifices?
Recommended Reading: Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back – 6 Steps To Find Out
The 3 Factors That Will Determine Whether Or Not You Will Get Your Ex Back After Cheating
As I mentioned in the beginning, there are three things that will determine whether or not you can get your ex back. Here they are.
1. Their Level Of Investment
The most important factor is your ex’s level of investment in you. How much were they invested in the relationship and you? Their investment can be measured in terms of the time you were together, their level of commitment, whether or not you had kids, and how much they love you.
If you were in the relationship only for a couple of months and you cheated, then they will probably walk away without thinking twice. But if you were married with kids, or you were in a relationship for more than a couple of years, then they will think about giving the relationship another try.
Similarly, if you two had a great relationship, and they were madly in love with you, then you have a good chance of reconciliation. However, if your relationship was already a little shaky and they were already falling out of love, then this act of infidelity might just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
2. The Level Of Betrayal
There is cheating and then there is CHEATING. There is a difference between breaking someone’s trust and completely obliterating their trust with a sledgehammer.
How badly did you cheat on them? Was it just a harmless kiss at a party? Did you sleep with someone? Were you having an affair for a month? Or have you broken the world record of infidelity by sleeping everyone of your ex’s friend and family members behind their back?
How Many Times Did You Cheat?
A lot of times an ex will forgive you the first time you cheated on them. But if you cheat on them a second time even after they forgave you, it’s going to be even harder for them to forgive you and trust you again.
Think of breaking your partner’s trust as breaking a piece of expensive chinaware. The first time you break it, you can put it together through a meticulous process. The chinaware will not look the same as before, but you can still use it regularly and it may still last a life time.
But the second time you break the chinaware (or cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend twice), it’s going to much hard to put it back together. And even though it is possible to put it back together, it’s going to be extremely fragile and it will need a lot of care to make it last a long time.
And if you manage to break the chinaware a third time, it’s going to be nearly impossible to put it back together.
As you can imagine, the worse you cheated, the harder it will be to trust you again and the less likely are they to come back. Of course, it all still depends on the third and most important factor in getting them back.
3. Whether Or Not They See a Ray Of Hope In This Relationship
You cheated on them, so you can throw trust factor out on the street. They don’t trust you. Period. What matters is whether or not they see a ray of hope in this relationship. What matters is whether or not they feel like they can trust you again.
Your infidelity broke their trust completely. But everyone likes to have a little bit of hope in his or her heart. And your ex isn’t any different. They still wish that all the time and energy they spent on you and your relationship is not wasted. They still wish that all this didn’t happen and you were still with them. They still hope that you could back together and they can trust you again.
You cheated on your boyfriend, your husband, your girlfriend or your wife. And your actions broke their heart. Now that you want them back, it’s up to you to show them a ray of hope. It’s up to you to show that the pieces of the relationship can be put back together and it can be even more beautiful than before.
There is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery my repairing the area of breakage with gold, silver or platinum. This art is called Kintsugi and it’s a perfect metaphor to use for repairing your broken relationship with your ex and turning it into something even more beautiful than it was before.
Even though the trust is broken, it can still be repaired. And if you use the right ingredients to repair the trust and the issues that lead to the infidelity, your new relationship will be stronger than it ever was.
How To Do No Contact After Infidelity?
If you have read the above articles and figured out a game plan to get your ex back, you know that you know that the first thing you need to do is no contact.
No contact is, essentially, a way to give both you, and your ex some time and space so you can think clearly and get some perspective on the breakup.
You have to stop contact with them for a while and let them process their emotions. You can’t convince them when they are angry. You have to give them time to calm down and so should you.
Even if you miss your ex and every inch of your body wants to call them, you must still do no contact.
A good way to do no contact after cheating on your ex is to either follow the “No Initiate Rule” or the “Mild No Contact Rule”.
The No Initiate Rule means that you don’t initiate contact with your ex but if your ex reaches out to you, you speak to them normally. You don’t push your ex, but if your ex wants to talk, you don’t pull away either. You listen to them and try to understand what they want.
The No Initiate Rule works after infidelity because you are not smothering your ex but you are also not ignoring them. You show them that you can be depended on, that you will be there for them if they need you, but you are not needy or desperate.
The Mild No Contact Rule means you speak to your ex every 3-4 days just to check in. This only works in very few cases. You should only do the Mild No Contact Rule if your ex has shown signs of wanting to get back together and they are open to communicating and figuring out a solution to the problems in the relationship.
If you are not sure how you should do no contact with your ex, I recommend you click on the link below and read the article on No Contact.
Recommended Reading: The 5 Types of No Contact Rule I Recommend To My Clients
How To Get Your Ex To Trust You Again After Cheating?
I am guessing you already apologized a thousand times so another apology isn’t going to help. However, accepting your mistakes and being completely honest about whatever lead you to cheating will help. I talk about something called the Elephant in the Room Message a lot on this website.
It’s a way to clean the slate after breakup by accepting your mistakes, showing an understanding of the reasons that lead to those mistakes, and telling them how you are going to change and become a better person. It’s a great way to get your ex to start talking to you again after no contact.
To learn more about the Elephant in the Room Message refer to the resources below.
Recommended Reading: How To Text Your Ex [with 53 Examples]
Recommended Download: 5 Elephant in the Room Text Samples [Click To Download PDF]
Once your ex has started talking to you again, you still need to do a lot of work to earn their trust back. You may have to do a lot of work to heal their broken heart and win them back.
You have to show them some positive change in yourself if you want them to think about getting back together. You have to show them that you are capable of change. You have to show them that you are capable of working on the relationship and the trust issues that will arrive if you get back together.
When you do get back together, you will have to work a lot on the trust issues. For starters, you have to cut all contact with the person you cheated with. You have to be OK with their insecurity and jealousy for a while. You have to be OK with them invading your privacy for a while. It’s even recommended that you two take couples counseling to work on the trust issues (in fact, it should be you who recommends it. It shows that you are ready to work on the relationship and your issues).
Your act of infidelity did end your relationship. Your cheating broke your ex’s heart and shatter their trust. But you can come back from this stronger than ever if you take the right steps and rebuild the foundation of your relationship with honesty, empathy, and proper communication. You can win your ex back after cheating and keep them permanently if you follow the advice in this article and the advice in the rest of this website. Here are a few resources for you to begin.