Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances. And if you are not prepared, you will screw it up.

So how do you NOT SCREW UP this time?

If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to take this as a mission. Almost like a video game. If asking her to get back together is the final fight in this game, you need to level up and win a lot of mini fights before doing that.

I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.

My name is Kevin, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for almost 7 years now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex girlfriends back.

This article is everything I wish I had access to when I had my first breakup and wanted to get my ex girlfriend back.

When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and all I could think was how to win her back.

When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.

When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise.

If only I knew back then what I know now. I hope no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup. This is why I’ve made this article FREE for everyone to peruse.

But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.

This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.

What is this Article?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.

Why?

If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.

In fact, if you are reading this article, there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible.

What’s the catch?

Like I said before, you only get a handful of chances at this. So if you are not careful, you might screw this up. Moreover, following this guide is NOT EASY. Above all, it will need 3 things from you.

  1. Patience
  2. Determination
  3. Honesty or Vulnerability (With Yourself, Your ex and me if we ever communicate)

Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy. But if your ex girlfriend is worth it, I am sure you won’t care how much patience, determination or honesty it takes to get her back.

(Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is NOT for you if you are looking for tricks or manipulation to get her back.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief

Objectives:

  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love, you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking, it doesn’t think logically.

Instead, it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic, it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your ex girlfriend, someone you loved dearly, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section, these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think that breaking up with you was the best decision she ever made.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember, here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial

Example:

“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and You Will Do Everything for Her

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her.

(Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it’s not quite the same after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.

She doesn’t want you do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because you will be even more miserable when you are back together.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining

Example:

“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”

Or

“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger

Example:

“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”

Or

“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend, do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this article.

Actionable Steps to Take (Moderately Important)

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage, it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.

Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact, it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get your ex girlfriend back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take (Important)

  • Decide how long you need to do no contact
  • Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends, good friends you can trust, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though there’s a slight chance you will be successful in getting her back, you will most likely fail in keeping her.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide, there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons

Objectives:

  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend, do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category, there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her, you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life, you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you, then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed, you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once, there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case, you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together, it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her forever.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take (Mildly Important)

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive (Mildly Important)

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.

 

Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple, the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently, it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you, you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort. (Recommended Reading: How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You Without Looking Like a Fool)

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You (Not Important)

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her, is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance

Objectives:

  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

 

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.

 

2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend

Objectives:

  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand and Attract your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

 

Actionable Objectives to aim for (Important)

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.

 

Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person, you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For (Important)

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for some time..

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.

Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself, she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return, do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back

Objectives:

  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend  as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives (Important)

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

 

3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Go on a date with your New Girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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385 comments ...add one

  • Nils

    Hi again,
    So far so good. I found a way to reach out and meet her again. I kept my cool pretty well. During my NC time of about 4 weeks, I read books on confidence, self-esteem, relationships and communication. I went out with her first once, it was great. Then another time just a few days later. Today was the third time. In all the times, we had a good time. Today we talked about us again. She said she acknowledges my changes so far, because I know I learned a lot about empathy. But she also said, she doesn't quite fully believe in whether I truly changed. She is a really attractive and confident girl and I know, if she wanted, she could find someone new. I have told her that honestly I want her back, but I fully understand how bad I have been acting before. Prior to today I showed her my complete apology and she was quite happy about it. I also told her today that there would be only one way to be with her again, with a new myself and much more commitment and responsibility.

    I feel really confident in succeeding again, however I still have some moments in which i doubt or imagine i would fail and, to be honest, my heart is aching when considering it. I understand this means that i fully love her.

    My question is: Should I proceed with my dates as I'm currently doing? When should I take the step to directly ask her to be back again? What if she rejects me or finds someone else?

    Thank you again so much for the existence of this article. So far it feels like it pushed me closer to success than ever before.

    Reply
  • Bob

    Does the same system apply if we are on a break from each other and not a break up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on the issue at hand. Generally speaking, it isn't recommend because a break would imply a chance of getting back together after the break has passed, and going into NC and following the system would probably guarantee a breakup 'first' before winning her back again later on.

      Reply
    • Bob

      If it isn't off topic, what would be recommended if it's a temporary break? Would following the steps without NC work?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If its a temporary break, perhaps instead of going one month of NC, maybe give it a week of space, before meeting up to discuss about the relationship. Ideally you'd want to find a way for both parties to meet eye to eye on the issues that led to the break in the first place and work on them together.

      Reply
  • John

    I’ve been broken up now for about 5 months but still can’t stop thinking about my ex. Initially I went through all the grief stages. I wasn’t desperate, texting her all the time trying to get back with her, I tried accepting it. There was really only one time where I texted her telling her I wanted to be with her, and she declined telling me she had to figure out what she wanted in the future. I went about 3 months without texting her, before texting her about how she has been doing and what was new in her life. That was about two weeks ago. Do I still have to make an elephant in the room letter? I feel like by now she would think that I’ve accepted the breakup.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be best not to assume that she would think that way, since the last time you contacted her was to ask her to get back together, despite being 3 months ago (before the recent one). Based on how she responded to you as well in the message sent 2 weeks ago, perhaps use that as a gauge on how you should proceed and whether it would be a good idea to send the elephant in the room letter.

      Reply
  • Carl

    Hi, my situation is a little different, and I was wondering if any parts of this system may still apply to me. I really hit things off with a girl, but I was not at a point where I felt comfortable having a committed relationship. She really wanted to be with me, and I made it clear to her that I liked her, but I just couldn't do it. We never officially "dated," but it was essentially a relationship in everything but name. Now, about a year later, I told her that I'm ready for an actual relationship, but she feels like she has put so much work into getting over me, that she wouldn't be able to feel that way again. She's made it clear that she likes the idea of dating me, but she doesn't think it would be good for her. Is there anything I can do to help her feel like I would still be a worthwhile dating option?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're probably going to have to do the chasing this time, and convince her that you'd be a worthwhile partner. Similar to how you'd win a person's heart, you're going to have to win hers if you want her to re-consider her fears and accept you.

      Reply
  • Leo

    Haha it works guys, I looked at this shit every single day. All of your comments are just crying and you guys all want to take short cuts. Follow it step by step. Don’t skip anything and don’t think that you are better than the system.

    Reply
  • Matt

    Hi

    Great article! My girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up about 2 months ago and in order to get her back i have started to go over your list. We broke up because we have been growing apart, there was just a really unfortunate disconnection and i thought it would be possible to give her some time and try to re kindle the romance.

    I have been texting with her for about a month now and we arranged a meeting last week which went pretty well and a couple of days later i asked her out on a date, which was yesterday.
    We went out and all was good until she kinda closed up (no hand holding, no touching...) and the end of the date she told me that it feels like we are dating and she is not ready and anyways she is not sure she would want to date me once she will be ready. I told her that i understand and i will give her time and space in order to pull herself together.
    My question is, what is the best course of action here? should i just live my life until she will be ready? Should i keep writing to her every now and then so our connection would not be lost? Do i start a no contact period again?

    Thanks for the help!
    Matt

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As you've said, things went well except perhaps she may have felt a little pressure from your body language at that point which made her close up. You could always continue the conversations but at a slow casual pace and re-develop the habit of being comfortable around one another at her pace.

      Reply
    • Matt

      Since then we have talked on the phone once, she said to me again that once she is ready to date she most likely wont want to date me, since im her ex and we need to move forward in our lives... Im not sure this will ever work out :(

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may have said this but emotionally may end up feeling otherwise, if you are able to charm her once again and manage to re-ignite the spark. It may not be easy and she may even react in a guarded manner, but if you're willing to pace things out and you're patient, there's always still a chance. However, sometimes it may simply be easier to move on especially if your ex feels this way because there's no guarantee on how long it'll take.

      Reply
  • Han

    Hi,
    I just loved the article.

    Me and my Girlfriend broke up 5 days ago.

    She might get married soon in maybe 4-6 months. There are guys who are eyeing her like Hawks already.

    I have decided to go NO Contact for 10 days. She had a Boyfriend before me and she has the tendency to move on easily.

    So I don't have 30 or 60 days for No Contact.

    I need to change soon.

    I was angry
    Didnt understand her.
    We lacked communication and fought

    I was the angry and insecure guy with too much of love and affection showering but with no negative intention.

    Now I have changed. As we fought 4-5 times over a period of 5 months. Yes. It was a 5 months relationship.

    So I have decided not to get Angry, at least listen her views, no to manage her day and ask why is she at her friends place late night etc. .

    This is my ground rule while talking.

    Now I will make contact in a week's time for 3 days straight and see if she replies. .

    Even if she doesn't reply I have decided to go and meet her at her place as a surprise and confess all my mistakes. .I have to be there on a particular date as she is need of some domestic help and she has only 1 friend to help her.

    I will tell her I have come to help but not a doormat and to get her back , I am accepting my mistakes and I need to talk to her.
    She can't friendzoned me as I already told her that s not what I will accept during breakup.

    She broke up only Because

    We fought badly
    We had communication issues
    We didn't listen to each other
    She lost respect in the relation after each fight.

    But We did have a great time.

    My mistakes were.

    - Getting clingy

    - Being unable to accept her suggestions or improvise on them like the way of talking etc.

    - And we both had a common problem while discussing. .we both hold up our guns and don't accept each other's points.

    - I never accepted my mistakes and neither did she.

    But on a deeper thought. Those arguments were always because of me.

    Will this fast track plan work ?

    I have actually understood my mistakes . I cant disappear too long from her life as there are friends of hers who will persuade her to meet other guys as soon as possible as she has to get married soon.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Unfortunately, this fast track would probably not work given that no contact was structured at 30-60 day for a reason, and this fast track basically defeats that entire purpose.

      Firstly, when a relationship ends, there are usually negative emotions involved, and having NC for a period of one month gives both parties enough space to actually let go of these negative emotions and be more receptive to the other person when they contact again. Secondly, NC is a test to determine whether the relationship was actually meaningful enough to her, that she doesn't move on this quickly - a relationship that has had a significant impact on the other person wouldn't have them moving on in just 10 days, and if they do, it just means that the relationship wasn't significant enough to them, or that they have commitment issues. Third, NC is set about making positive and permanent changes in your life to adjust to the mistakes that were made during the relationship. What you feel right now is simply the regret felt after breaking up, and you've only had a change of heart. You ultimately want to actually make these changes FIRST before going back to your ex. Just because we have a change of heart doesn't mean we'll be able to control our actions and emotions when a similar issue arises in the future (which will definitely happen) and we make the same mistakes again. Finally, even if you think it's a sweet gesture, wanting to do all these things that you've mentioned IS a sign of desperation and neediness, and would most probably end up pushing her away or she might even think of you as a creepy and not being able to take a hint - keep in mind that our actions are perceived very differently depending on whether someone is smitten with you, and someone who is feeling negative about you.

      Reply
    • Juan

      Ryan couldnt be so right, i remember when she left me a few times i would cry and beg my wife and she was still in love with me then and took me back. Now that she has no feelings towards me and we seperated crying and begging to her looks like a random stranger asking her to date.

      Reply
  • Ramone

    What if you contact her after a month and she hasn't healed like I have but is now the one who should be reading this article? She's clearly already had her date. Does she need NC? If I want to get back with her, should I try to work through those problems with her or insist she do it on her own? This was actually a problem earlier in our relationship before we ended it. She wanted to keep going and work through it but I thought we had to do it on our own.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If that was the case, I would assume that you ended the relationship previously. Going along those lines, she was probably hurt that you didn't want to work things out together and has lost trust in you as well. In that scenario, you could either try to get through to her and convince her that you're willing to work on things together and regain her trust again, or decide to leave her be until she's ready to face you once more before working things out. This would depend entirely on what you feel is best for your case because every relationship and how it ended is different from the next.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    I really need your help

    Reply
    • SillyWillly

      I understand the problem you're having because I've been there. Listening to this guide has helped me gain a little perspective on what's going on with my ex and I think some responses are short or skipped because it's full of grieving guys like us. Are you in the mindset they recommend you trying to get to? This would mean you're okay with your ex gaining perspective and letting yourself do the same. I wondered if the people they meant to address were more on the broken up with side rather than the side that may already have had the more dominant role but I can see them trying to help both side with the same approach. I would suggest focusing on yourself and trying to forgive her for exploring her options. If she's still with this guy, she's not certain on you(assuming you'd be monogamous otherwise). Maybe when you're at your healthiest place over the next few days, you can tell her honestly how you feel what what you hope to accomplish with no contact. I would keep this very brief. You might feel it's a risk and that it's like telling her it's okay for her to get more serious with this guy with the right perspective. Maybe you don't trust that she'll make that decision well and she'll get further from you. I think the no contact says enough on it's own and can prevent you from feeling that you pushed her away by explaining things incorrectly later. I left my ex a letter before I truly dedicated myself to no contact because I didn't want her to think I was just moving on and that was her queue to try and distract herself with some guy. I told her how I felt and paid attention to the objectives of the article aiming for a tentative rundown of what I was overcoming and how I was responding to her dating. What killed me was knowing that she'd struggle to talk with me and be away from me when we were together in person but would talk later and seemed to have regained her resolve. I didn't deserve to be swept into her confusion and doing something like telling her your feelings now to only have that come later is part of what the articles aim to steer you from. It's possible that I helped myself with the letter but breaking no contact can keep her from missing you or learning to forgive the negative aspects of the relationship. Every time you talk now, it will remind her of her recent decision. I would just leave it and possibly even delete her from social media. That seemed to tear my ex up the most. I also think if she's on social media posting her new relationship and still messaging you about certain things, you could be better off than me. It falls into their signs of a rebound. You should come back to the site if you're not feeling strong about the NC or your development during and take more from the articles and other comments to apply to your situation.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    Ryan how come you skipped my questions below ?

    Reply
  • Nils

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for this article.
    I had one question: What if, in stage 3, she does not reply to the text message after at least five days? Do we message her again then or how should we proceed?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go back into no contact for a week or two before trying again. The whole point of this stage is to get her to talk to you normally and not have her guard up. By being too frequent in your texting despite her not answering would only further her guard or even cause her to block your number.

      Reply
    • Nils

      Thank you so much for your reply.
      I really wanna get back with her and I've been following the advice in this article thus far. I have improved to a point where I clearly understood what I did wrong and i am even experiencing an unusual rush of confidence, a bit of a "knowing" that we will get back. I had my best relationship ever with her and sometimes I can't believe how dumb I was not realizing what I did wrong. Besides, I know now that there is only one reason for me to get back with her - to make it last forever.
      I highly appreciate the time you take to answer all these questions. If I hit another bump in the road, I will ask again. If we get back together, I will make a celebration comment.
      Thanks again.

      Reply
  • Quayer

    Hi, Ryan. First of all, I wanna thank you for this article. I felt hopeless, everyone else was telling me (and even sort of screaming at me) to move on. I've just begun the no contact period because I've realised that everything in your article was right that I am currently desperate, needy, and insecure.

    I dated my ex for around one year and a half and it was the first relationship for both of us. There was a lot of fights because I was controlling (I forced her to do things that I thought were right) and sometimes really jealous. Because of those fights, along the way I started thinking about my old crush whom I had been in love with for more than 5 years before I started dating my ex. It made lose my attention for her so I started taking her for granted and not paying attention to her. And I also think that I did some things that made her happy because I wanted something in return because subconsciously I did. So she broke up with me. Initially I agreed and I tried to "shock" myself into moving on by just hanging out and going crazy. But it all ended when I found out she got a new boyfriend (a good friend of mine too) just three months after the breakup. I was depressed and suicidal and in the end I spoke to her. I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend or anything, just a discussion on why we broke up and all. For the next few months I was living life emptily until it happened again then followed by more emptiness. Recently her new boyfriend broke up and he might have cheated on her (intimate photos on social media) and she's decided not to have any relationship right now. I confessed to her that I still had feelings for her but was rejected. And I'm ashamed to say but I did a lot of the things in the Common Pitfalls section. I constantly texted her, I begged her, I tried to appear confident when I met her (along with other friends).

    After I begged her, she told me to give up. She said that she'll never accept me again. She said that she's okay with being friends but nothing more. Then two weeks later my best friend, who I had been sharing with and asking for help on this, told me that he might have feelings for her too and he's so much closer to her. The night before I discovered this I almost tried to commit suicide which I guess is definitely a sign of insecurity. Your article has been really helpful and it's really given me some hope.

    But the break up was over a year ago, the article mentions only as far as months. It's been so long. Is there still hope since it's this long? And I've begun no contact but I'm always anxious about my best friend because he's got a lot of advantages and I can't even contact her. I want to have hope and to go through this no contact period but sometimes I think there's no hope and I shouldn't even try. I'm at the end of my rope. What do you think?

    Thank you in advance!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on your current emotional state, no contact would still be suitable because it is ultimately meant for your personal benefit and a conscious attempt to regain your composure as well as improve on yourself. Winning your ex back would come secondary to this, because without positive changes in your life, you give your ex no added reason to come back. Keep in mind that this isn't an overnight process and it will take time, but you'll have to be patient and constantly work on keeping positive about things, perhaps even date new people first before returning as a different person. We often have the mentality of 'wanting what we can't have', and this may be a case in point especially since your waves of emotional negativity hits you hardest whenever you realize that someone else wants to go after her/has gotten together with her.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth Trying? ***************************recent update***** Hi so I’ve started the NC again and she reached out to me a couple times on snap chat.. she has been watching every single snap I make. She sent a message saying how she like a pic and another saying she had a shirt I was wearing in a old snap I posted. She tried to make conversation but I cut it short. Also she said I was dry and I said no. It’s only been maybe a week and she misses me I guess or maybe she feeling lonely being in a new city by herself .. it’s weird because her first day there she told me to leave her alone and it was none of my biz who she was dating but now that I have not been contacting her she messaged me. She asked me who I was with the day before but got upset when I asked who she was with.. lol doesn’t make sense dude.. I try not to pay attention to her social media because it drives me crazy she’s been going places with this other person. I don’t want to be gone too long because I don’t want her getting serious involved with someone else

    Reply
  • Blake

    Hi gear article thanks for posting,
    Me and my girlfriend broke up on Saturday, we ended peacefully after doing some needy things I regret however she has messaged me asking how I am today which is the following Wednesday. I have started No Contact however I don’t want her to think I’m being an ass by not replying so do I reply or just keep no contact going?
    Any help is great thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reply but avoid prolonging the conversation. Go back into NC after your reply.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    Me and my girlfriend were together for just over 4and a half years. We had a dog and lived together. The last 6 months of our relationship I had let stress get to me and started to change and kind of become miserable. I kind of ignored her for a couple of days and just spent that time stressing out, but when I opened up to her about what I was going through I realized I wanted to stop being like that. I wanted to get back to the happy fun guy who loves life and loves being in love with her. But by that time she said basically she fell out of love with me and just wants to have to worry about herself and her own life and not stress about me. Which makes sense I showed incredible weakness and felt lost and was no longer the guys she loves. Our breakup was kind of drawn out and went from we should just go on dates and not do the relationship stuff right now, to just be friends to I need my complete space. She wants this break to be long and she is definitely having more fun now that she isnt worrying about me Which is good. I just have no idea how we would get back into contact being that she doesn't want to speak at all and don't know how she would see the change in me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For starters, in the time you've been broken up until the next point of contact, focus on making those positive changes first in your life. You can always get back into contact after the break by dropping her a text or a letter and you can use this article for more guidelines.

      Reply
  • Eric

    Hi. I just want to know if my situation has any hope or if I can't never go back with her.

    I took my girlfriend of six months for granted. During the whole time our relationship lasted, her ex was around (She was dating her ex when we met and she left him for me). Her ex was kind of the opposite of me, she was constantly telling her how beautiful she was and how perfect she was, etc.
    We broke up last week and I talk to her today and she told me that being with me made her realice she wants a guy like her ex, that she wants to be with him again. But here's the thing: He doesn't want to be back with her for now. It's like, everything you say on this page happened! He told her that he moved on, he started to improve his grades in school etc etc and now she wants him back!! Another important thing is that he doesn't leave where we do (they are both from the same town but me and her study in another city) so even if they do get back together they're going to have a long distance relationship.

    Do I have a shot at this? Should I even try?

    Reply
  • Kris S.

    Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth trying?

    Reply
  • Ajay

    Hi Ryan. Your articles is so helpful. Thank you for it. I am also in a difficult situation. I had a relationship about 2 years. I work abroad but i spend enough time at home too. We broke up 4 months back just before I was leaving home for work. She told me from beginning that if her parents wont accept our relationship i should accept that and move on. We indians have too much complication about religion and all. Both of us belonged to different religion. But i was hoping atleast she would have told to her parents about me. But she was so afraid to do so.Because her parents are very strict. I accepted her decision and broke up. I thought i will get engaged to my work and forget her slowly.

    But due to some reasons i had to comeback home within 2 weeks and I started to miss her and tried to contact her but she told me not to contact her and let her move on. I tried my best but at times I lost my cool and blamed her. I continued that wenever i got chance. Although it was not on a regular basis. But even after that she agreed to meet me once. I felt some feelings in her eyes that time so i asked her to be together again. But still her answer was no. Then I decide to go on No contact after 3 months of initial contact.Because she told me there is no feelings for me anymore. I didn't contacted her for more than 2 weeks and oneday she contacted me because of something i posted on social media. Then after a few days we again contacted. And now we are in contact for last 3 days. I told her I accepted our break up. But i still got my feelings left for her. I will be going back to work within 2 weeks. What am I supposed to do? Shall I try my best to get her back? Or just let her go? Even if I get her back what if she is still not ready to convince her parents? I am not sure wheather she is dating someone else or still single? How do I ask her that? I always felt She is the perfect match for me.Thats why I dated her at the first place. I am so confused. Have you got any advice? I will be glad to hear from you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on everything you've said, it would seem that you might want to honestly consider the idea of moving on, especially if religion and the deal with her parents are never going to change. You could decide to contact her and try to establish a friendly line of communication again, but I wouldn't suggest trying to win her back within these two weeks because you'll probably end up doing something reckless or desperate since you'll end up having a mental dateline to meet (before you leave).

      Reply
    • Ajay

      Thanks for your reply Ryan. I wont do any reckless act because of the dateline. I will take my time and see if anything changes. I will happily move on if nothing happens. Is that gonna be ok? Or should I completely drop the plan of getting her back and move on? I hope you can give me a clear advice on this.

      Reply
  • Bryan

    Hello Ryan, I really do appreciate your efforts on to help to get Ex back.

    I have a situation and it really complicated, me and my ex we livedin together for almost 5yrs, I’ve moved and left her several times due to arguments, then spoke with me and I spoke with her and I used to come back, this happened several times, I have hurt her physically & verbally several times as well and on February 2017 I cheated on her with 2 girl and met 2 girls as well she found out by opening my phone while I’m a sleep, before I cheated her she was in touch with a guy on social media that was on Dec 2017, I had no clue about it and we where will meeting and sleeping together even I was not living with her. on Jan 2018 where I have a situation and she shelter me again and opened her house for me and accepted me, one night while watching a vedio on her phone a message pup up from that guy saying ( you are a nice person and you deserve the best and bla bla) but it’s not really flirting message it’s more kinda comforting message, so I asked her gently who is this guy? She lied to me saying brother of my friend trying to find a work form him in the company where I work. And she got so angry with me and start to defend her self and I got so pissed and I shouted and hurt her again, since then I started to feel something wrong and she wasn’t sleeping at home saying she is mad and she is sleeping over in her sister house, still felt something wrong I tried to ask her but she got angry and too much defensive, so I started to go out almost every night and drink and hang out with different ladies, during that time I was still trying to get her back on track but it’s just didn’t work I felt jealous knowing that she is with someone else but she still too much defensive, when she found out first time about the girl I hang out with she give her self to me, but it was too late coz there was another girl I was hanging out with, so she opened my phone again and she saw the both girl in my gallery with flirting messages. So we fought and I left the house and after 2 days I came to know everything going on between her and the guy was with her and she is sleeping in he’s place way before I cheated on her I was upset again and afraid to loose her, so I started to beg and push her to come back to me for while and she ask me for a space but still we were seeing each other and every time I will push her to come back to me and tell her what I can do for her if she does, until I saw that the guy was in her house 2 days back, so went there and I fought with her and I pushed her, she was so upset and she told me you know what I makeup my mind and I will choose him over you because you will never change, I said im just loving you, but unfortunately it didn’t work, I send her few messages saying sorry still didn’t work, until I read your articles and I realized that I was so dumb to do the mistake without realizing. Today I woke up feel better and secure and confident, so she messaged me saying how am I I said I’m fine and casual talk for few minutes and I didn’t message back.
    What should I do? And can I make things right again?
    Honestly I’m way better than what I did and she always tells me I’m a good person and she knows what I did I didn’t mean to do it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be important for you to learn how to control your anger and perhaps let go of your emotions in other ways. Otherwise, even if you do succeed at winning her back, the same cycle may repeat itself whenever you get upset. Currently it would be best to work on yourself in this aspect as well as other positive changes you can make, and give her some space to get over all the negative emotions she may feel towards you that has been pent up throughout the relationship.

      Reply
  • Zash

    Hey

    My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week over a really small quarrel. I begged her to stay the first 3 days after the breakup. We met yesterday to talk things through because I knew that there had to be some underlying issues that pushed her to break up with me. She mentioned that she still loves me but maybe not as a partner as she feels too responsible for my happiness. She says she feels like I've moulded myself around her and that I am too self destructive and lack positivity. The responsibility she feels is more like what a mother feels for her child. I told her that this seemed unfair to me since she's never ever spoken to me about how she felt. And just tells me this can't be worked out out of the blue. She said that the day after we broke up, She felt lighter, because she had the option of telling me she can't be there for me if I was self destructive. She also said that she's not too sure about what she feels and will probably take a long time to figure that out. She mentioned that she still cares about me and loves me and wants me in her life. However she said she wants us to remain friends. Good friends. She gives mixed signals though. She held my hand, and called me at 4 am just to tell me how her day went. Last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours just like how we used to in the very beginning of our relationship.

    During our conversation yesterday, I told her that maybe we both need to reset. And that I want to fight for her. I told her I respected what she wanted but I wanted to work towards a future with her cus it means everything to me. And then she said that maybe she wasn't too sure about what she wanted and that maybe I'm right.. that she needs to reset. She said that she isn't gonna change her mind in the next 6 months. And that we are not getting back together. But if I show changes, she might consider it after 6 months. Having said that,she also mentioned that should anyone come her way, she wouldn't say no.

    What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do try to understand that while she still definitely loves you, she is also exhausted from being in a relationship with you at the same time. A relationship should see each other through thick and thin, but everyone has different capacities to what they can handle. If she feels this way about the relationship and you genuinely want her back, I would suggest giving what she felt about you being self-destructive and dependent emotionally, and figure out if its something that you can spend this time working on.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi.
    Me ex left me after a year of relationship, because of lot of fights we had. I beg, and beg, and beg her to get back, and she finally accepted to get back. After that, i lost my dignity, became inferior, and did everything to satisfy her. Before was dominant in relationship, sometimes too much, she sad she felt desperate sometimes because she loved me so much and felt inferior in same time, and that I took advantage of that and hurt her(never wanted that, and didn't realized that, and i'm acknowledging the mistake). She admitted that she is revenging for that. After a month of agony, after one fight, she left me again. This time I accepted the situation, and day after that we agreed to have sex from time to time, and that we can go out together. She was so happy about that, that her body language was screaming "i'm going to explode".
    We had great time since that(almost a month), great sex, great communication, and we both agreed on that. We are texting each day a lot of times, and every time she is the one to start texting. Also she admitted that sometimes she has urge to call me, just to talk, but don't want to do that because she thinks it's too much. I can see in her eyes that she is looking at me again like dominant male who can take care of her, but i ruin that sometimes with my impatience and showing too much emotions. When i want to get her in to talk about getting back, she become highly defensive and telling that there isn't good chance for that.
    I'm confused on what to do now, and how to keep myself calm to not show her how much i need her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give her time to reconsider and think things through. For the time being, you can increase your chances by being positive and giving her a good reason to want you back. Avoid being pushy or getting desperate as it would only push her away.

      Reply
  • Tyler

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. Long story short, we have had quite a number of issues and arguments leading up to her asking for a break (not break up) first. We do not have serious red flag issues like cheating, dishonesty or insecurity but we are both just headstrong and it is hard for either of us to give in and say sorry if we think our reasons are valid. Initially, I agreed for the break as it was 3 weeks to her exams but a day later I tried telling her reasons of why we shouldn't go through with it. But she decided she needed it and after a painful month of us without any form of communication and blocking on social media, she just met to break up as she thinks our characters are incompatible and is pretty firm and fixated on her decision so I knew it is hard for her to change her mind. I have been on no contact for 2 weeks and have been focusing on myself and reflecting and just posting instagram stories whenever Im out and about which she views. I have been in a couple of relationships before this and I think we both could adapt to each other if only we learned to give in more and that she doesn't understand that sometimes we have to stay strong to ride through the rough patch before things go up. My question is since we already had a 1 month break in which she thought through and then decided to break up, how long should our no contact be? I was thinking it should be longer but if she is as convinced in her decision as I think she is, I am afraid she might move on and think it is for the better.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In every relationship it will take both parties for it to work out. If she's decided this all on her own, and is very firm on her resolve, even if there were things that could've been done to 'adapt' to each other, she is no longer interested in them at this point. My suggestion is that you probably have to win her back all over again as if it were the first time, and that probably can't happen right now as it is still too soon. You could try again after another month, but keep in mind that you're going to win her back from square one, because it seems like she has already moved on during the month's break between the two of you.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and completed 2 months of no contact (ending a month ago). The relationship ended on fairly good terms. A month ago I recently initiated contact with my ex. The content of the messages have not been about anything serious or the past relationship, and she has been responding to them fairly well. However, the frustrating thing is that she is taking at least a week to reply to my messages (Note that I have not been replying instantly to her messages, giving a few days before responding). I am not panicking and I understand as everyone is extremely busy with university exams/work at the moment, but still, a week between messages is extremely frustrating. It is making me think that we are somehow no longer on good terms but perhaps I am being irrational - my birthday recently passed and I did not receive a message from her. I understand she is very busy, but I am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

    Reply
  • Vincent

    Hey guys, so my girlfriend recently broke up with me and i am currently doing the nc for 30 days. We have not talked for 3 days now and i've decided to desactivate my fb account for a while to keep me from looking a her profile and just take some time to clear my head. But yesterday, she sent me a text saying "did you just really block me on facebook??" So i answered no and said that i just disactivated my account to keep me from looking a her stuff and take time for myself. It seems like the idea of me blocking her really hurt her. She seemed very upset about it and i would like to know if that means she's still thinking about me and reconsidering her decision.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may or may not mean anything at this point, and you should not overthink things. However, it does indicate that to a certain extent, she still cares about what you do and it's definitely a more positive sign than just not caring.

      Reply
    • Vincent Forest

      Hi Ryan, thank you for your answer. I will try not to think about it too much. However, does that mean i should start the nc all over again because we talked? The conversation ended really quickly, that was about it.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No you don't have to restart NC all over again. We all face setbacks every now and then, the key thing is that you made a conscious effort to be aware about it.

      Reply
  • Adrian

    Hi,
    Great page!
    My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. We been together for 1 year and 2 months. I could feel that last months something was wrong in our relatioship. I could feel she was taking distance from me little by little.
    I've always been nice to her and sometimes too nice. Last months I did the mistakes which is written on this page by beeing even nicer and doing everything for here because I was afraid to loose her.(i've always been afraid to lose her).
    She says that she still have feelings for me, but she wants to be alone to se what kind of feelings it is. She also says that she doesnt want to loose me, but she needs time.
    When she broke up with me she was drunk and she called me and said she needs to be alone. And i got angry for the way she did it, by calling. I said that she hurt me for breaking up with that way after all I've done for here and im stil angry at here but i still love here and i want us to be together.
    We havent met after she called me 4 days ago, but we talked on the phone and she was sorry for the way she did it.
    She wants to meet up with me in person and tell why she wants to be alone and so we can be together one last time.Today we havent talked.
    My question is if I should say yes and meet up with her or if I should go to no contact stage?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on whether you're able to handle meeting her or not, especially if she wants to go through with the break up. You're probably going to have to mentally prepare to let her go for now, and win her back all over, and you can't let your hopes bring you down in the process and end up doing more damage than good when meeting her.

      Reply
  • Johnny

    my ex of a little over one year broke up with because of my jealousy i tried to win her back for like 3 weeks but of course it didnt work she says she really needs to be alone for a while and wants to work on her self during the time i was trying to get her back she would answer all my texts and let me go see her at her house and would tell me everything she's been up to when i call her with out me really asking. i would always get the feeling that she likes talking to me still but doesnt want to get back together. ive been in NC for 18 days i been hitting the gym working alot and feeling great and i honestly feel like i can be with out her no problem but i really do love her and realize where i went wrong. i honeslty dont know where i should go from here.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete no contact and continue with your process of self-improvements, and then start talking to her again after. If you're able to show her the changes through your actions, you would probably cause her to re-think if getting back might be a good idea again.

      Reply
  • Robert

    I'm in a bit of a crisis with it all and am not sure where I should start on this.
    -She broke it off
    -I hung around for ages trying to get her back.
    -we met up and it went well and we kissed.
    -we had an argument and she blocked me
    -she met someone else during this time
    -called her after a couple days. Started talking, told her I accepted her decision to end it. Found out about the other guy. Acted like I was happy with it because it made her happy
    -after a few days told her it was too much for me and I needed some space and she was cool with it
    -lasted 4 days
    -went back to talking. Told her again I just want her to be happy so let her go for this other guy. Could tell this hurt her a little.
    -Called after about 3 days to check in
    -she was laughing with me and things sounded positive.
    - Called her the next day to say I was sorry for everything. She said it was over so I had nothing to apologise for. Inisited i did and laid everything out and all the mistakes I made. She ended the call after she accepted my apology and said just remember this the next time. Either she meant with her or with another girl I'm not sure

    There's probably a few more bits in there I've forgotten but essentially I'm not sure what to do now. She messaged me first today about something trivial and I read it and then ignored her.

    I really don't know what to do about this. Should I tell her I need space again? I have no idea... I've made such a mess of things at this point. I think she still has feelings for me to be honest but I don't know. I don't want to lose her

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You probably need to go into no contact proper, and focus on making changes to yourself in a positive manner if you want to win her back. You could always tell her you need space, but I would suggest just to go into it unless she contacts you first.

      Reply
  • B.C

    Hi Ryan/Kevin. 1st contact message went well. She apologized for hurting me twice after that, saying it was one of her biggest regrets. I didn't reply. She plainly apologized a third time, but I got super affectionate in accepting it and she didn't reply after. she broke up with me b/c she still felt in love with her ex. Said she loves me as well though. Worth working to get her back? Been with a few other girls since then but it does not feel the same.

    P.S. we had actually gone through all these stages of recovery without knowing it about this site.

    Basically I got up to the point where I was about to meet her casually, but blew it and made things awkward.. Her close friend said I was definitely not a rebound. Ex said she needs to heal. Advice on how to proceed?

    Thinking of texting her again but afraid i'd be on a third chance. Idk if she moved on.

    Thank you in advance.

    Reply
  • OJamesG

    @Ryan So following on from my last post where I said I'd leave it for another month, no contact with her whatsoever besides her checking my story and posting a happy birthday message on my fb wall. I didn't respond except liking the post to keep things civil as I liked everyone else' post. It got to the last day mark and I'm getting ready to send her the letter as stated in the guide, I then receive a message from her telling me that she's started to see someone new and that she's telling me out of courtesy because when we split I asked that she would tell me if/when that happened. It's only been 2 months since the break up, I wasn't expecting her to move this fast since our relationship was 7 years, but here we are.

    I'm confused as hell because she said she couldn't fathom finding happiness elsewhere yet when we broke up, and the more I look back I wonder if it's this one guy from her work who had been hovering around her. There are really so many people it could be, in fact I'm almost certain it's him, which sucks as she said she didn't have any interest in him. I'm a little numb, maybe it hasn't hit me yet or maybe it's what I needed to let go. I'm not sure which step to take now, do I still send the letter? I had planned to send it then just continue with my life, in case it is a rebound, in case somewhere along the road she reconsiders, I don't know if it's a rebound or if it'll last, pretty crap either way. So what do you think, should I still send? Do you think this could be a rebound or that she had him lined up before ending things?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could still send it since you had already mentally prepared to carry on with your life after anyway. It sucks to find out your ex has moved on to someone new, but at the same time, it could just as easily be a rebound to cope with the negative emotions she feels and loss of relationship habits she was once used to.

      Reply
  • Alex

    My girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We dated for about 7 months, which I know isn't long but I felt as if it would've lasted longer. Before we broke up she was getting in these moods where she didn't feel anything, and no matter what I did she still felt empty. So we broke up. A couple days ago I invited her over and showed her all of the memories of us and asked for her back. She obviously said no which is where I am today. Over the past couple hours I've tried to sound more sad in the texts and distance myself with the no contact part. It is almost the end of the school year and in a month we agreed to meet up and see if she feels anything then. Do you think that is a good plan, and to begin the no contact? Thank you, this article really helped give me some ideas.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should not be trying to come across as 'sad' because this adds to the look of desperation in her view, but yes arranging to meet her in a month's time would be a good idea. In the meantime, focus on improving yourself and giving her a greater reason to feel something when she sees you again.

      Reply
    • Alex

      I forgot to leave out that it isn't just me that she isn't feeling anything for its everything. She is depressed and doesn't want to admit it. I couldn't help her so I left which only made it worse. Everyday I text her and tell her how beautiful she is and how happy we were together. She replies with "aw or cute". The thing that also bugs me is the reason we broke up, I don't know how to help her or how to get her to love me or just be happy again.
      I also talked to a friend and they made a good point about the No Contact stage. If I were to leave her now, I feel as if she wouldn't acknowledge it with all the other things bringing her down in life. So in reality making no difference.
      I want to know how I can bring her back up but also not be so stressed and scared to lose her at every second.
      She cares about me, shes told me that multiple times. And when I try to just let time take its course, I get scared and feel as if I'm going to lose her over time and that she might move on.
      Do you have any ideas of how to get her to be happy again, and ways for her to think about our relationship so that she has feeling again?
      Thank you. Will probably reply with more questions.

      Reply
  • Jake

    My gf broke up with me about 2 months ago, and after that I went through with just over a month of no contact. However I have found it very difficult to reconnect with her. If I try to text her she seems very disinterested, and if I try to talk with her at school she does not want to talk to me. We ended on somewhat good terms and I never annoyed her or asked for her to come back. But I know that I have become a much better version of myself recently and when she sees that she will want to get back together. I feel as though I am making no progress because I have no way to talk with her. How do I reconnect with her? Thanks, looking forward to your reply.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she appears disinterested, it could be too soon to contact her at this point. There could be several reasons why she feels this way such as having moved on since, or even still going through the recovery stage where she may be reminded of negative memories when she talks to you. You could use this article for more guidance on how to text her.

      Reply
  • James

    I’m in a precarious situation. Me and my ex broke up when I went to rehab two months ago. The day before I came home (2 days ago), she told me she’s moving to LA. This is obviously devastating, as I has her in my mind during those hard times to make the right choices. She’s nervous to see me before she leaves.. her words were “I love you so much I have to let you go, and you sick me in every time”. That said, I know seeing me will just make her decision to love more challenging. Her move to CA isn’t permanent, and the break may be good for us both, however, I do want to at least see her, and have her leave with the door with us open, instead of closed. That said, should I go into NC for a few weeks, and reengage a week before she leaves or something? I have been very needy since she gave me the news, and I haven’t got any response or reciprocation which really really hurts. I love this woman, I made awful mistakes, and I want to continue the persuit. Any ideas would be great.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes it definitely sounds like after your actions of being needy and this final meeting up, keeping the door open would be a good idea but only after both of you have taken some time off from each other using NC as you've said. Spend this time focusing on yourself and improving so that at least she feels that you're someone worth considering to get back together with, instead of wallowing in self-pity and sadness that many others end up doing.

      Reply
  • Derrick

    Hi. Thanks for the page it has give me a lot of clarity. I broke up with my ex a few days ago. And it was entirely my fault. Three weeks ago I took a trip to visit my mum for a weekend and came back and when I did I would try to contact her and she seemed different, she always lied to me and never wanted to spend time with me, then a friend of mine told me that she was out with another guy. When I confronted her she didn't address the issue. And I run mad thinking how could she cheat on me so I would call her a lot show up to her work place and she seemed to be going further away. So this really messed with my mind. So the other day I went to see her and she said she needs time to be alone and enjoy her alone time focus on her work and that if we are bound to be then we will but we should stop seeing each other, but she told me she will always be my friend and be there for me...basically breaking up with me. Honestly I love her so much and all I want is her back in my life because she made such a big impact in my life. So what do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go into no contact for now and follow the guidelines found in our articles on everything you should do (and not do) to win her back.

      Reply
  • Joe

    So my ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago after a year and a half of dating she said she didnt feel the same anymore and that i was clingy and also after the break up for about 3 weeks i was trying to talk to her saying sorry and that i know she still loves me and that please comeback to me i also cornered her and told her that she still had feelings for me and please think about me after words she said she didnt want anything to do with me not even be friends during which i told her sorry for everything i did to her after the breakup ive done no contact for the past 3 weeks during this time she also got into a new relationship with a good friend of hers (which also scares me cause idk if he is a rebound or not, and if he is how long will the be together) i do feel good about myself and i know the mistakes i made and ive also been working on myself become a better person but idk how to reestablish contact should i start with an elephant in the room text or what also idk if she even misses me or still has feelings for me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since things ended the way it did back then, perhaps you might want to give it more time before considering approaching her again as she might not respond to you positively at this point. I would recommend continuing with NC and working on yourself for another couple of weeks before trying to contact her, and based on her response, you'll be able to gauge how she feels towards you.

      Reply
  • Alex

    It's been almost three weeks of NC with my ex. But my ex has never liked texting, so I'm a bit skeptical of that phase of the plan. I don't think I can make her fall again through text if she absolutely hates texting everyone. Would it be a mistake to call her up and ask to meet up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps start with a text or two first, before proceeding to calling her. You don't want to suddenly call and she is taken aback by it.

      Reply
  • nik

    I've been with my ex for 5 years when she broke up with me. i am currently working aboard and she dumped me when i got home from work for 7 months. i was devastated that time because i was so excited to see her after 7 months. before i got home we had a fight, i was insecure, jealous and super needy that time. i tried to beg her to come back to me but nothing happend...i was married before and i have not yet filed for annulment and she said she got tired of waiting for me. it's been almost 3 months since we broke up and im back here in the middle east again and now im trying hard to do the NC. do i still have a chance to get my ex back? now im trying hard to focus on myself and improve myself while in far from home so that when i come home again i become a better version of myself. its just hard to be alone and far from home and without someone to talk to.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I know it's hard, but you'll have to persevere if you want to win her back. Keep distracted during this period, and perhaps do things that would lift your spirits as well.

      Reply
  • David

    Long story short, my ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 months of dating. Her excuse was "she was unhappy". She couldn't really explain the reasoning of why she was unhappy and I still don't buy that excuse. However she wanted to maintain a friendship with me, even though she doesn't like being friends with exes because she feels there will always be an attraction between exes. We've maintained a friendship after the breakup and hung out twice since. She was more flirty with me the first date than the second date. I can tell she still has feelings for me but is guarded and possibly afraid and I'm sure right now she just wants to focus on her self, which is fine with me because I want to do the same. However, I feel she has distance herself as time has passed and I'm realizing now I should have done NC immediately after the breakup. Is it too late to win her back if I break off contact with her for awhile or do I still have a chance if I start NC? Should I even bother since she said there was no chance of getting back with her even though she has gotten back with one other ex who treated her badly?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As the relationship was only for 5 months, if you're intending on doing NC, perhaps aim to do about 2-3 weeks of it, especially if you've been talking to her almost daily prior to her distancing herself from you. It's natural for her to have her guard up, but if you want to win her back, you're going to have to prove to her that you're different from past partners by showing her positive changes.

      Reply
    • David

      She acknowledged she started to have her guard up since the second date since she saw I still had strong feelings for her. She maintains that regardless of having feelings for me she doesn't want to get back together. Should I continue with the NC or just give up hope?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is entirely your choice, whether you want to persist and be patient in slowly trying to win her over, or give up because of the uncertainty and potentially wasting your time. Ultimately there's no guarantee for any relationship to work out, and its something you have to take the chances on.

      Reply
  • Kat

    So, this is a same-sex break up story. We dated for almost 2 years, but only the 1st month of it was just us.. that means that her very abusive, conservative family found out and went ballistic. Her parents sent me threatening text messages to keep away, but we persisted and made it work undercover. We both considered ourselves straight before this and the bond was too strong to let. She was, still is, also a person with mental problems, mostly depression, which in the course of these 2 years has not been helpful to our relationship, but I had learnt to deal with it, both for me and her, more effectively. But the lies she kept telling her family, the fear of being found out and expect abuse for both me and her, became too much. She lost physical attraction, yet she never lost the feeling. We broke up because her depression peaked and at the same time she collapsed under the pressure of lying, she even had dermatological issues out of the fear. She is still studying, probably will for a year more, and lives with her parents. I believe that what we had is hard to find. I am 28 and I had mediocre as I now know relationships before. Same goes for her, only she is 24. I believe we never got our chance, so I want to hope for a future together, but I know it will be a while, maybe more than a year. Do you believe I should attempt it if I still want it...later in life? There's nothing to forgive, if the family was out of the picture, I firmly believe we would still be together.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would be entirely dependent on you and whether you want to or not. However, do consider the relationship she has with her family (whether it's good or not) prior to meeting you, and if she would be able to sacrifice that and leave her family behind for you since that may be what it takes to have a lasting relationship especially if her family is entirely against you/the idea of a same sex relationship.

      Reply
  • Atom

    Hello, so I dated a girl significantly younger than myself for about 3 months. The first few weeks were delightful, she was attentive, responded well to my compliments and was frisky and eager to please. After a few weeks it slowed down considerably on her end, the frequency of talking remained very good but she died down on complements or sexy talk. Whenever I brought it up she said she just had intimacy issues and it was hard for her to say those things (although she had no problem before) over time she would stop responding to texts, get increasingly angry towards me for all annoyances in her life, yet maintained that we were a “thing” the sex and reciprocated flirting also died down to nonexistent. Around me she was always a downer, yet in public she was a flirty outgoing lady, except towards me. I can admit I was impatient and frustrated with the situation and acted in a non gentlemanly manner, being more of a confused child than the stud bull I typically am. She was in contact with her most recent ex throughout the entirety of our relationship, and bad mouthed him and his non caring ways often, she did not seem over him, which added to my insecurities on the issue. After a disastrous night at the bar where she was openly flirting with various men I said enough and cut it off. A week later I reached out again to which she was somewhat receptive, we hung out again and she was once again Debby downer and seemingly uncaring towards me even being there. A few days later we had it out over text about the situation. Since then, a month and a half, we’ve had 3 phone conversations and various texts I’ve sent that go Unreplied for days. When we talk she’s vaguely hostile and mentions that she’s still pissed at me, and went so far as to tell me about the last guy she dated since me, which aleady didnt work out. I’m not sure if what I feel is love or just a hope for something that lasted for a few weeks to return, but she’s on my mind always and I’m not sure how to proceed.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      While she may have had feelings for you before, there's a chance due to her age and emotional maturity that she just isn't capable of having a lasting relationship yet. It seems that she may have gotten bored of you which resulted in her flirting with other people, and judging by how quickly her next relationship ended too, seems like she may have gotten bored of him too. You have to take these things into account and even if you decide to win her back, whether she would get bored again after awhile and repeat the cycle.

      Reply
  • Julian

    My ex and I were dating for 6 months and then she ended it stating she was unhappy but couldn’t explain the reason well enough. While we were dating, she stated that once she breakup with someone, there is no going back, however she did make one exception with one ex. I did partial NC for about 2 months, and then I asked her if she wanted to hangout. She agreed. While we were hanging out, she told me she is going Washington for the weekend with a friend, whom she didn’t want to tell me who it was, stating ” oh it’s someone you don’t know.” Besides that the date went very well and I could tell she was still into me but it still bothered me she didn’t want to tell me who the mystery guy was. We started speaking more after this date although conversations were nothing serious. We went out again about two weeks later. At this point she tells me she’s going to a broadway show with a male friend and she gives me the same reason as before about not telling me who he is. During our date I told her that I missed hanging out with her and that she is the first girl I’ve ever dated where I found her personality more beautiful than her actual appearance. She blushed and thanked me for giving her space during our breakup. I recently came back from a trip and I mailed her a small souvenir package, with a note stating ” hope you like the gift. Hope to see you soon.” She thanked me after receiving the package with a blushing emoji and during our text exchange I wrote ” it was the only way you can have it since Idk when I’m going to see you again” hinting that I wanted to see her soon. She didn’t acknowledge the hanging out part but that she loved the gift and and appreciated the thought the gesture. Now I’m confused and hurting and don’t know what to do. Is she still into me? Is she really seeing someone else even though she told me on the night of our breakup she wanted to focus on herself? Is there a good chance of us getting back together in the future or should I move on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People will say whatever it takes to successfully end the relationship at times, so certain things like 'wanting to focus on herself' should be taken with a pinch of salt since they won't be able to predict the next time they meet someone new. You could always find out from her if she's currently seeing anyone and make your decision on the next steps to take from there.

      Reply
    • Julian

      So she told me it's just a friend from junior high and she's not seeing anyone. However she explained to me why she broke up with me stating lack of spontaneity and not making the effort of getting to know her friends when I met them (mind you every time I saw them it was at a club where it's impossible to get to know someone, let alone a group of people). She stated she still has feelings for me but doesn't share the same feelings of getting back together. I'm going to start NC but I'm also thinking if I should even bother? Do you feel there's a chance of getting her bacK?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's always a chance, but its always dependent on the circumstances of the entire relationship between the two of you and how meaningful it was.

      Reply
  • Sunny

    Mine is not different case. My seven years marriage couldn't work out, nothing was going right with us. So finally I filed for divorce last year. My wife is not ready for it.
    We are not staying together from last one year.
    During this time as was going through very difficult phase. Got in touch with one office colleague working in different department. We became friends then fall in love. All was going well from April 2017 till last month. Unfortunately one of her family friend working in the same company with us come to know about us. He has informed everything to her real brother. We belong to different caste and culture moreover my divorce is yet to settle. He is not ready to accept our relationship. He has informed her not to keep any contact with me and given promise on parents not to keep any contact with me from then onwards she is not talking to me even blocked my no. I have not tried to called her even or msged she has conveyed from one of her friend that we are meant to be together and asked me to move on life. As we are working in same organisation getting very difficult for me not able to concentrateon work. As I can see her in front can't even ignore her. When I found her talking her colleagues nicely broke me in pieces.
    I want her back in my life. Do I have any chance. Pls guide me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm a little unfamiliar with the caste system and how strongly people adhere to it, but if its something that won't change, and she is someone who believes or has strong respect for it, then you might want to consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hi Ryan, so this is my story. My ex left me about 3 and a half years ago. (we were friends for a few years before dating however).
    I was neglecting her and not giving her the appreciation she deserved. I was completely blind to this at the time though and have grown as a person significantly since. I've also ticked alot of the boxes you state above since, and feel like a better person that deserves her alot more now.
    She started dating someone almost immediately afterwards and it was quite an ugly break up. I also started dating someone afterwards, but quite a while later.
    Her new relationship lasted about 3 years (during which there was no contact) and mine closer to a year. We both became single again around the same time. After which I really realised that I messed up by neglecting her and that shes a great match for me, and I'd love a second shot at us.
    When she became single she unblocked me off all social media, which is a big step for her. And I initiated contact about a month later with a light text about a funny part of our past, which got her to laugh and we chatted about how we've been doing since, with our careers etc. She mentioned that she's working with kids and I replied that I'm happy for her and not surprised, given that she was always good with kids and wanted to help people. And I asked her to elaborate further on a problem one of the kids has that she's helping. She never replied. This was about 3 weeks ago. I haven't intiated contact since, as I thought she just isn't interested. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well it could have been that she was busy and forgot. You could always try dropping her another text or message again since it has been 3 weeks but start on a different topic and see how she responds to you from that.

      Reply
  • Brian

    Hello, right now i'm at stage 4 of this strategy guide, and I followed all the steps exactly like mentioned in the guide. The breakup wasn't very dramatic and I didn't make many mistakes in the days after. So, I recently contacted her via text after the no contact period, and she responded in a positive way, but still she didn't initiate texting in the next days (also she didn't contact me during no contact).

    A few days later we had to meet eachother because of a party of a mutual friend and after some time she came sitting right next to me and began to be touchy with me, in a playfully fighting way. I just did it back, because I didn't quite know what I had to do... I have no idea what to think of this..

    Do I still have to follow the plan and wait some days before I contact her again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well most likely she was tipsy, or felt a sense of familiarity and became more open to expressing it while at the party. You could continue to contact her since her initial response has not been negative towards you thus far.

      Reply
  • Oliver

    Hi Ryan,
    first of all, thank you for uploading this guideline and giving guys like me something to follow through.
    Here's my case. My ex and I are seperated for 4 weeks now. He have been together for seven years. the last year was kind of difficult, since something was missing, the passion etc, and we haven't succeded in working on it intentionally.
    Our relationsship was at the lowest point at the end and then I made the mistake when a co-worker at work was flirting with me. I agreed to meet her and and was overwhelmed from the feeling that she wanted me so bad. I ended up having sex with her, regreting it and telling my then girlfriend what I did. She ended the relationship immediately and said, that was really the tip of the iceberg and that its not hard for her to end it now, that I have done that, also because we where at our lowest pont ever in the relationship. At the beginning of our breakup I was sort of down but also thought that maybe it might be better that way. My ex and I saw each other coincidentally several times. The last time made me thinking and realized that I actually still have very strong feelings for her. I still think that she is the one for me. 5 days ago I made the mistake and called her, I went all-in and told her that I still love her and that things will change with a new beginning. She told me that she is happy how it is right now and that she doesn't have enough feeling to start it again. That really hurted me. And I can't get her out of my mind ever since. Yesterday we had to work together, just for a project for one day. It was really hard for me to stay cool and not needy. I couldn't help me to bring up our passed relationship again. I told here that I was dissapointed that the breakup doesn't seem bother her at all, that she acts all normal as if we just good friends. She told me that it isn't easy for her either, but she doesn't let anybody see it. I huged her after that but she told me that that wouldn't have an effect on her. At the end of our shift I told her that it would be better if we have no contact anymore, since I'm the one who is suffering and going crazy all the time. I'm a little bit afraid of seeing her nect week at my best friends bday party next week, since I know I'm not myself right now. I now that you can't give me any prediction, but I reallywant to know if I will still have a chance, by your opinion. I do know that I should follow through the NC stage to get her the chance to miss me but more importently give me the chance to recover and enjoy life again by my own self. It is really hard for me since the only and best chance of getting back is letting her go and also me getting rid of her in my mind, not being addicted to her. Please Ryan, can you give me some advice? Do I still have a chance in your opinion? What should I exactly do and for how long? Does she still have feelings for me since she completed with it? How do I behave during my best pals bday party?

    Best wishes
    Oliver

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could follow this article on how to handle events where meeting your ex in unavoidable. As for your chances, I would say that it's definitely still there, except that it would take time and No Contact would actually be more for you instead of her where you pick your emotional state up and improve yourself during this time. Ultimately, if you want to win her, you're going to have to give her a reason to actually want you back in order to succeed.

      Reply
    • Oliver

      Hello Ryan, thank you for your reply. As I understand it I'll have to do the NC phase until I have found a decent emotional state and improved myself. But what if it takes three months or longer, isn't there a chance that she will forget me because she moved on realising that living without me is possible or even better? Can a NC phase take too long? I know that the NC phases primarely intention is not her to miss me, it's more than a side effect. It's more that I develop and find peace within me. But are there any other tools that I can use for her to forgive me that I cheated on her, it's hard for me to just rely on time since she might just put me in a position were I'm just the bad guy and then she just gets over it. And you were talking about giving her a reason to actually wanting me back. The way I see it is to present her a version of me that ultimately promises a new and more fulfilling relationship than the past one. Or what do you exactly mean with reasons for her to give me another chance? Can you suggest something in particular?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, basically you want to come across as someone that's worth forgiving and starting anew and the best way to go about doing so is to actually make those changes and finding the peace within yourself. NC also gives her time to process and let go of the negative feelings she has against you at this point. If it is going to take awhile before you reach that decent emotional state, perhaps at least give it a month of NC before you go about and apologize to her or send the elephant in the room text in order to at least show her that you are sorry for whatever has happened.

      Reply
    • Olli

      Thanks Ryan. Can you also give me a reply to one of my last questions. Can I do NC too long?

      Besides that, I started NC 4 days ago. The last messageI sent her was about apologizing and saying that we shouldn't have contact from now on. Now what I want to ask you, theres a bday party from my best friend this friday, she will be there too. I don't go if I should go there, I'm pretty vulnerable at the moment. But I'm too concerned what she might think if I'm absent. What should I do? Avoid the party because of no contact? And again, can you do the NC phase too long? Thanks

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go to party if you feel emotionally stable enough to do so, but avoid contact with her when there and at the same time try not to act too unusual, meaning just be yourself but avoid small talk with her. To answer your first question, NC has a timeline that differs for everyone depending on the relationship. Contact too soon, and your ex is still feeling negative towards you but wait too long and she may very well move on. I cannot answer for certain what that timeline is because it really depends on your relationship with her, as well as the type of person she is. Generally, a good time frame is 30 days for civil breakups, but longer if the breakup took an ugly turn or you're not ready.

      Reply
    • Oliver

      Thank you. Can you also reply to my previous question if a NC phase can take too long?
      And my best friend is giving a bday party this friday, she will be there too. Is it okay if I don't go since I'm emotionaly unstable or could she be turned off if I dont come since I'm avoiding her on purpose? Thanks, Oliver

      Reply
  • jon

    Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and have completed 2 months of no contact. The relationship ended on fairly good terms. I recently initiated contact with my ex and we shared a few messages for 2 days (just 1 or 2 messages per day). We did not talk about anything serious or the past relationship. However, she has not replied to my last message for 3 days now. I know I should not panic as she is quite busy with work/uni at the moment, but am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Wait for another week or so before trying to reach out to her again. Start off on a completely separate topic from the last time or perhaps even discuss something that you may have needed her advice on to avoid looking desperate.

      Reply
  • James

    Girlfriend ended things after 16 months because she needed space and felt suffocated, and said that feelings from before were no longer there. We have been living 60miles apart whilst in my final year of university for the last 8 months, texting regularly and visits every other week. She said she felt more like friends and that i was too needy and insecure. Currently in first week of NC. I'm finishing university in just 3 weeks and starting a new job back home. She still cares very much about me but just says the feelings aren't the same as before christmas time... which coincides with when my work has been getting super busy at university and visits have been less frequent. What shall i do to try and re-spark things when I get back home?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start off with building the friendship back up and trying to get close to her again before attempting to build feelings up and attracting her back the way you first did when you got together with her.

      Reply
  • Brand Brand

    Yep, she has moved into my house because she got evicted from her home. Im talking about my ex-wife. We were married for 10 years. We have 2 little boys together. She left me 1 year ago and she wanted the divorce. I do want her back, I love her and she knows it. Her and our boys have been living with me for since 3/12/2018. This is now OUR home. We have made love a few times. But it is so hard to talk to her she is still angry. She told me she would never live with me again but here she is. What does this all mean? What can i do to keep her and win her heart back? Please help me now!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like she does have feelings for you but harbors negative emotions at the same time. My suggestion right now would be to perhaps avoid bringing up serious topics but to work on building a positive bond with her through pleasant memories so that she becomes more receptive towards you.

      Reply
  • OJames G

    Gf of 7 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. Longest NC we had was for 2 weeks, I reached out around 8pm via text as a family member was ill, I didn't hear anything from her (Assume she was asleep) then she called me around 1am. I picked up and we talked, she reassured me everything would be ok, then we had a light hearted chat and I managed to make her laugh a bit. I told her I was working on myself and talking to someone about everything, and was able to see a lot of mistakes I couldn't have in the relationship. She said she was glad but she didn't want me to do it for her, that she hopes it helps me not repeat these mistakes in the future. I then stupidly pushed instead of leaving it on a nice note, and I asked her what if things could be different? She said that she misses me and when she sees funny things; jokes, memes etc she gets really sad and still thinks "I want to link this to him", but she doesn't because she feels it will keep us/me from moving on. And she said that while she gets sad that she can't talk to me and reach out, when that sadness passes she feels peaceful and relief, that she doesn't want to get back together because she doesn't want to feel insecure, anxious or angry anymore. I said i understood and left it and we said goodbye and hope we can talk again one day.

    The next day we exchanged texts and she said while she didn't mind being there for me, that I should maybe lean on friends/family, as her being there and being supportive won't help me move on right now. I explained that it wasn't hindering me from looking forward, and that I had no other agenda and I took getting us back together off the table because "too much has happened right now" (hindsight, i shouldn't have said right now), I also said I would take a step back and not talk to her again as I think we both need the space. I said regardless of what's happened we still have a connection on some level even if we're not together and that was important to me that we get back to a place of neutrality at some point.

    She then said she felt it was clear that I would always have the thought of getting back together in the back of my mind, that she "wanted to be very clear that won't happen". Then she pointed out that even the "too much has happened *right now*" portion of my text indicates that I think it might. She then said it's clear we can't be friends, that she's sorry that she's being selfish but she feels this is for the best in me moving forward, then she blocked me on messenger, but she hasn't blocked me on anything else.

    I haven't contacted her since and essentially this is me starting my NC again. I strangely do feel more at peace and stronger since we last spoke, maybe because she gave me a solid answer whereas before she was singing the "I just need time and space to think" song. I know more time will only strengthen me and I will be eventually be ok with the vision of her not being in my life, and be able to take that rejection if I try again. Ultimately she is right though, I can't be just friends. My questions is how long do I wait this time before reaching out again to apologise for any misunderstanding and also my part in the relationship failing? It seems she will be extra on guard of my motives now, and from the sound of what she said do you think she might have any good feelings left and that she is just scared of being hurt etc? I know those negative feelings need to get starved out, just worried it risks starving out any good feelings too.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The next time you reach out to her, perhaps go on a lighter note and avoid the topic of the relationship failing at the start because you want to avoid having her jump to the conclusion again so soon before anything is built up and she becomes guarded. You could continue with NC for perhaps around a month this time around. With regard to starving out the good feelings, as long as when you contact her again, you bring that side of the picture up, it should be fine.

      Reply
    • OJames G

      I plan to give it some time yes, I've written an apology letter - it just outlines how I accept responsibility and recognize the things I did wrong and why they happened etc it also says how grateful I am that we shared what we did, and that I understand this is for the best, but that there's no reason we shouldn't talk. It ends in a pretty light hearted note, do you recommend sending this before reaching out via text? Or just keep it to text and keep it light hearted?

      Reply
  • Jack

    Me and my girlfirend were together for a year and a half. After some of her mental health issues deteriorated she suddenly broke up with me. She said she hadn't been sure whether she loved me for a while and her feelings faded as her mental health got worse. But only a few days before she was telling me how in love with me she was. She was always going around her friends telling them how lucky she felt to have me, this never stopped. It was just so sudden, we were so happy and there was so much we had to look forward to. She has messaged me 4 times since, I havn't read them because I want to go through no contact first and i'm scared if i read them then i'll break it.
    i dont know what to do because shes in such a fragile situation but i love her so much. please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she is going through mental health issues, perhaps that would be the cause of her sudden change and breaking up with you. I would actually suggest opening the messages and figuring out if she needs support or space, and deciding from there.

      Reply
  • Martin Rodriguez Azcarate

    Hi Ryan,
    We were toguether for 4 years, living toguether and all that. This last December she moved out because I did not attend her grandmother funeral (I could not make it on time, 500km away and 12 hours after I knew it) and overslept when I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. She moved and we kind of kept dating but after a huge argument over minor things she decided to dump me. I blocked her in social media and her reaction was to call a guy that was after her and started dating her. 2 weeks after that, I was out of town she tested me because some friend of mine was looking at her in a bad way (my friend was furious at her). They were at a bar and my reply to her was: you decided to fly away, now it is not my issue that some guy looks at you. I am not the one you should text. One hour later she was taking another guy to her house. This happenned 2 months ago. I have been doing well no contact. Only once I failed, it was half way throw. She called me desperate because she heard that I might move to another city (this is actually true as I got an offer). After 1 hour talking she calmed down and just when we were going to sleep (not in the same house), I asked her to have a drink the following day. I did not get a response till the following morning. She changed her mood an told me that I was no longer her 1st priority. She had plans and she was going to do that other thing (going with her rebound to spend the whole day away from town). I was really in shock. I could not understand anything (she did not notice as we did not speak until yesterday). Things were quite well. We even laugh and I talked about my future (this was the only serious thing) and that I was not sure what to do about my job. She said that I should not leave town but if she were to only think in herself she would rather see me go to another city. She also asked me what was my plan for today (friday the 27th). She said that she was dating this guy and would not like to see me in this position at this concert. I tell her I had some other plan.
    And thats about it. My birthday is May 9th. Her new date happens to be born that very same day. I told her that maybe this week we can have a drink.

    What the hell should I do about those drinks over the week, about the job position I was offered, about my bday...

    Sorry but as you can probably tell, I am a forener and my mother tongue is not english. I also understand you only have some information and maybe I was not able to show my situation. In any case any advice will be appreciated.
    Best regards,

    Martin

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider the job opportunity if it's good for you, and that you shouldn't try to force things to happen like make her meet you at that time for drinks since she's technically dating someone else right now.

      Reply
  • Corey

    Hi Ryan thanks for the article really puts things in perspective. For my case, we broke up 2 months ago and after I went through the needy/desperate phase i started NC for 2 weeks until I ran into my ex gf. We ended up going for coffee and talked about what went wrong in the relationship and I made it clear I understood what needed to be changed. We also talked a little about our dating life since then and she said she is not interested in finding someone. She said she still has lingering feelings but does not want to depend on someone for happiness and she seems set on moving on. i wished her well. should i resume NC or try to build attraction?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest perhaps trying once to build attraction, provided she has been receptive towards you so far. However, if she responds negatively, continue with NC for now.

      Reply
  • Andy

    Hi. So i split with my ex about 4 weeks ago. She ended our 3 year relationship as she said she felt lonely. This was my fault. I took her for granted and didnt pay her enough attention. Problem is we work together so cant really do the nc rule. Plus i think it would reinforce her belief that she made rhe right decision. Anyway. Last weekend i lost all control and messaged her pouring my heart out. She was very cold and remained adamant that there was no going back ever. Im ashamed to admit that i begged. I asked her how has she got over me so quickly. That made her angry. She told me she wasnt over things emotionally and that she was so lonely towards the end she started to deal with the break up whilst we was together. She also said she loved me unconditionally at the time but theres no going back because it would never last as i never put her first. I really begged but to no avail. Anyway. I left it a few days then sent her flowers yeatersay with a note saying i was sorry for how i handled things. I accept my actions in it all and that i will always love her but will leave her in peace. I waited all day yesterday and she never messaged to say thanks. Today in work i seen her and she thanked me for the flowers. For the rest of the day i cant lie we have had a really good laugh together. It was great. Just like it used to be. Problem is my negative instincts kick in. Now im thinking 'oh shes only having a laugh with me now cos shes totally at ease with the break up' and that shes clearly completely over me thats why shes so relaxed. Im doing everything personally to concentrate on myself. Ive been working out. Lost nearly 14 pounds. And bouhht new clothes. Im lolking better than i have. I want to treat out 'having a laugh together as a positive and not a negative..any suggestions? How do i handle this? And would she really be having a laugh and feel great around me cos shes over me? What should be my next move. Im worried if shes so relaxes that we have split up she might meet someone else. I know im over thinking things and i need to stop. Any advice much appreciated. Andy

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You can refer to this article on handling situations where meeting is inevitable. Perhaps NC is still a good idea at this point for you to regain your own emotional composure before trying to actively win her back again.

      Reply
  • James

    Hey, I’d like to start by saying thanks for this article because I think it’s very helpful! Here’s my situation, I had been with my ex for nearly 5 years we lived together with my parents in another city away from our hometown. She began visiting friends a lot more often back in our hometown which is an hour and a half drive from me. She had been away for a week this time and while she was away was saying she missed me etc but she wasn’t talking to me that much, maybe once every two days. When she came home from this week away she immediately walked into our room and said basically that it’s over and she is moving back to our hometown and getting her old job back and there was no changing her mind, her reasoning was that she didn’t feel like she loved me anymore and she has been trying to make it work. Excuse me if I’m in denial but the month before we went on holiday and had a great time, she even framed photos of us on holiday and put them around our room, oh and she had even sent me things saying I’m her soulmate! She made arrangements to move out 4 days later and even got her old job she loved back during that 4 days. To be honest though I’m not sure she likes living with my family that much and there is nothing here for her to stay around for her family and friends are all back home. I managed to speak to her about some of the issues and picked up the laughter and intimacy and she even started saying that she does see a future with me and that she had told her family that aswell but she really needs time to get back to herself and be single for a while but she doesn’t want me to hold on for her because she doesn’t know clearly what she wants yet. She moved out and I hadn’t made contact with her for 10 days but we do still have each other on social media, I haven’t been reading her posts but she has been reading mine on the ones that track who reads it. It was her birthday on the 10th day of no contact so I messaged her saying happy birthday hope you are doing good and she said thank you and that she hopes I’m doing good etc. I tired to make a little bit of conversation and she was giving pretty longish detailed answers but at the end not asking me any questions to elaborate the conversation so I the conversation after about 5 texts and said I was busy and if she felt like texting me she can. She thanked me for that. We are on good terms and I am working on myself a lot. New clothes, gym etc it’s hard to stop thinking about her though!! I’m quite nervous that when I come to break no contact she is just going to do the same and not give anything to the conversation on her side which will make it difficult. Everyone around me is saying forget about her, if she wanted to speak to me then she would have made conversation that day we spoke and wouldn’t have moved back home. any tips or ideas?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think the most important things is to figure out what it was that made her walk away. Feelings of being unloved and fatigue from the relationship don't tend to happen overnight and is usually a build up to it. Before you even decide if you want to win her back again or not, you should try to understand this, and also consider the likelihood no matter how small of whether she might have been unfaithful back at her hometown. At least this also helps you reach a decision on your approach and how not to make the same mistake again (if you had done so unknowingly).

      Reply
  • Emerald

    he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths. Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables... is that called rebound anymore coz it has been 7 mnths they have been dating and that we broke up for 8 mnths.

    Reply
    • A Person

      I am no relationship expert but I would say that it's not a rebound anymore unfortunately. I would suggest trying to move on as it will only cause you pain to hope and wait for a miracle to happen.
      If for some reason they break up in the future and the stars align maybe you can try to give it a shot again but for now you should not even think about that and move on to new and better things.

      Reply
  • Dylan Robles

    My ex gf of 4 years left me out of the blue last week. She moved from San Diego to Seattle to stay with her aunt. She didn't even tell me she was leaving. Not even a warning. She just left a note stating she still loves me but had to do what's best for her right now. To focus on ourselves and our goals and we couldn't hold each other back anymore. I love this girl with all my heart. We would always talk about marriage and kids etc. We even planned out our goals for this year one of then was moving in together. So it just confused me that she would leave all of a sudden. But before she left she was going through a lot of stress. She didn't like her job, car broke down, living problems etc. So I think that played a part in her leaving. I think it all just overwhelmed her and she needed a break. But like I said it confused me because why wouldn't she speak to me about it. Anyways this is our first legit breakup. Is there hope she will come back and work things out ? I've done lots of reading on Scorpio woman( my gf is a scorpio) and it said they disappear because they need alone time and space. I'm willing to give her the time and space but how long is too long of a wait ? I sent her an email the other day pretty much saying I respected her decision and I support her 100% and I will work on my self for now. And left it at that. She hasn't responded but I wasn't expecting one. Any advice on what I should do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Probably continue on with your life and aiming for positive changes to any issues you personally may have had for now as there really isn't much else you can do since Seattle is about a 3 hour flight away. If she left so suddenly, you could be right in saying that she needs some space for now and by pursuing after her, she feels more suffocated and feels more negative towards you.

      Reply
    • Dylan Robles

      That's what I'm hoping. That she needs a breather. But I don't know how long she is there for. My plan was to give her 2 months and wait for her to contact me . If She doesn't try to. I was gonna book a flight and give it my last shot before I move on.

      Reply
  • Anthony

    My ex and I were together for 4 years and half and worked in our small business together for 2 and half years. When we started the small business it added a lot of stress to the relationship. We would argue about things in the business that she wanted to do and I thought something else worked better. Our arguments would get heated. She would lock herself in a room and refuse to talk to me I would stand at the door trying to talk to her. She has picked up and left roughly 6 times since we had the business to go back to her dads house. Each time it was for a day we talked and she came back the next day and she says I manipulated her into staying. She has 10 different guys that flirt with her any given day on facebook and we've argued about it. I just want her to be open. She claims shes scared because of my temper. We would both call each other names in fights and try to hurt the other as much as possible. Last week I found a cell phone hidden between our mattress. The same guys are in her dm's flirting and messages obviously deleted. I love her so much and before the business we were fine. The business began to fail we began to fall into debt and she resents me for it. We closed our business March 31st and I thought it was going to be a new opportunity for us to reconnect we're both looking for jobs still. We haven't been on gone out on a date together since summer of 2017 because we didn't have the money. She thinks I her into starting the business and used her. She left me last thursday after I found the phone and questioned her on it. She blocked me on everything which was extremely painful. Being emotional I made a 2nd facebook to contact her during the anger stage and worked my way through anger and eventually into sadness then into acceptance just by talking to her. I've started NC today but shes already talking to other guys and going out. What can I do to show her I still love her and want her back. And how can I work on my manipulation/control and temper issues during arguments? She told me she needed space and I needed to work on myself. My last message to her I accepted her need for space explained I still loved and cared about her. Hoped that she would be happy. Explained that I was going to work on myself for the next couple months and that I hope she would be single still because I couldn't find a better person to date. I genuinely feel like I've finally accepted the break up after 6 days. I started NC today and holding strong so far. I want to hold NC for 3-4 weeks. I feel like once I get a job and can take her out again she'll fall in love all over. I just need to get to that point and be ready to deal with arguments, my temper, manipulation. How can I get her to stop flirting with other guys on facebook that are messaging her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, you can't. If the relationship has ended, you won't have a say in the matter until you get back together with her since she's free to do whatever she wants at this point. The best thing you can do right now is to actually spend this couple of weeks making the positive changes to your life as you had planned to. If the relationship with her was a meaningful one, she will take notice of these changes. Follow the guidelines found in our articles on steps to winning her back.

      Reply
    • Anthony

      She still has things around the house. Paintings we use to paint together, toys for the dog that she didn't take, clothes. Her dad is the owner of the building the small business is in and we use to live together in an apartment overtop of the business. Her dad still stops by once a week to check on the building. Do you think it's wise to box up these things and send them back to her with her dad? She also got a new phone with a new number I don't have access to and I'm blocked on facebook from messaging but not viewing her profile. I was thinking the best thing for me to do is box her belongings up with a picture of us she framed and the paintings we use to do together and including the elephant note in 3 weeks.

      Reply
  • Scott

    So I have read a few articles in here to get a game plan but due to certain things nothing has gone as the articles say. I really need some tailored advice to my situation ASAP because me and my girlfriend broke up April 13th and will be hanging out for the first first time april 22nd so I really need somebody advice on what to that day!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on whether the hangout is a mutually agreed upon one and whether she's comfortable with it. Otherwise it would be advisable to go into NC as per our guidelines recommend.

      Reply
  • Dan

    My gf asked for time apart two weeks ago because she became anxious when seeing me because we argued so much. So I moved out and back home and she messaged me that night saying ‘I’m sad we can’t speak’ and I messaged back. The next few days she messaged me normally and then after about a week she said she didn’t know if she could be in the relationship anymore. I panicked and text her continuously that day. Two days later I went up and gave her flowers (which I haven’t done in ages) and she was very cold with me. I’ve since text her everyday, and I’ve pushed for an answer if we’d be ok and she ended it. She wants to remain in contact though, hasn’t changed her fb status, has photos up of me still up and says she still loves me very much but doesn’t like the relationship. So she knocks me back constantly if I imply anything about the relationship. We do disagree when texting and calling also still because I bring the relationship up. I feel like I pushed her away now from panicking. Any suggestions? Been with her 5 years. Only lived together 3 months. Arguing mostly because of my moods, lack of affection and arguing. I didn’t message her for one day and when I messaged the following day she said she missed me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She definitely still loves you but needs some space as well at this point because by panicking and constantly talking about the relationship, you might end up pushing her away due to the feeling of being suffocated. Definitely start working on how your mood affects the people around you as well to at least give her a reason to not walk away as well.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hey so my girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t talked to her since which was hard but I’m doing it. However we go to the same school, so when I finish no contact and start stage 3, should I start to talk to her in school as well as text her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps start by texting if you're worried she may respond negatively towards you in public, and build up a level of comfort through there, but perhaps make small initiations as well in school.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    I’ve restarted the NC with my ex and it’s only been a day and she text me today saying she has a interview tomorrow for a job in another city.. I don’t want her to go , however like Ryan said I acted like I supported her moving away when I really don’t.. I started the NC because she told me she doesn’t like me. It’s like she wants me around and then doesn’t at same time.. should I ignore her text that she has a job interview? Or should I say congrats and nothing else? be dry and short.. I figured if I ignore she would think I still don’t want her to leave and that’s why I ignored.. she doesn’t know I’m doing NC. she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she really has made her mind up to go, depending on the her character and how she feels about you, there may not be much you can do to get her to stay. You could go along with a reply that wishes her all the best for the interview but cheekily add a hint that you'll miss her if she goes, and see how she responds to it.

      Additionally, you can have a read through this article regarding what to do if your ex may be moving away soon.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hi my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago and so far I have not had any type of contact with her. However we go to the same school so when I start to re-establish contact with her in stage 3, should I continue to not talk to her in school?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could start talking to her again in school once you've established a comfortable level of contact with her so that there is no awkwardness when talking face to face.

      Reply
  • JoCo

    Hi, I hope this gets read in time. My girlfriend of 11 months asked for space. I was trying but got a bit needy and Space to turned to full break so she can feel free to think without the pressure of me wanting it to all be alright. NOW THE QUESTION. After saying she wants to breakup, she said she wanted us to be friends and run this Spartan Race with her as a friend. Told her I wasn't sure I could. I waited a day and then told her yes, as friends. Now I'm doing no contact for 10 days until the race. I plan to play it cool at the race - be funny, light and impressive. But what happens after? Do I go back to no contact or start the text process? or skip to getting her out for a coffee date?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Typically, you would go back to no contact but if the meet up that takes place ends on a positive note, perhaps you could continue the conversation to see where it leads to, but any sign of negativity and you should go back to NC again.

      Reply
    • JoCo

      I'm hearing that if it goes well, there's no need for NC. Just know the old relationship is over and we are building a new one from scratch.

      The question is if it goes well, do I make the next get-together coffee/beer for momentum (all fun, no relationship talk) or slow it back to texting to gain trust?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on your current level of relationship with her and comfort levels. If you're on talking and friendly terms still, then that would be possible but if the breakup had ended badly or there IS a need to build up trust first before asking her out, I suggest not to jumping the gun on the texting process.

      Reply
    • JoCo

      Great website. The Five Step Plan! Here's a Follow up for everyone (Since no one else does): We carpooled to the race (her suggestion), we ran, had a blast the after party. I went home and did not contact her. That night she sent me all the pics and video she took of us (even though she was at a party when she sent them). The next day she posted them all on her Facebook wall and tagged me. I'm lost from here. Do I do more NC (to show I'm no longer needy), go to slowly increasing text frequency or try to get together in two weeks or so?

      Reply
  • debo0450

    Hi, I’ve read the 5 rules and it’s fantastic advice!....many thanks for posting it for free as well....my question relates to the NC rule and related time period.....considering my breakup is only a few days old .....here’s the story.......My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me after our first fight, we had both had a few drinks and i ended up checking a message she had received on her phone, my intentions were innocent enough in my mind but she didn’t see it like that, long story short I tried to get her to talk and wanted to apologize but she ended up organizing a friend of hers to pick her up from my place, I got angry and said something hurtful to her, felt instantly ashamed and then rushed her out, I let her be for a day then after trying to call her I texted my apology which I feel came across as sincerely as I meant it, later that day she texted me that she couldn’t get over the betrayel and that we were done, the text was scathing and attacked me quite personally so the anger was still fresh.....I didn’t bite back, instead I agreed with her and expressed my remorse for my actions....I think it was more about the way I acted afterwards that hurt her the most, she then went on to question the how and why of my actions and reactions for a while to which I replied as best I could.....I haven’t begged or pleaded I’ve simply told her how how much she means to me and that my hurtful comments were totally undeserved and that I understand and respect her decision to end things......what can I do from here? I’m really not ready to let this girl go.....there has been no contact since the breakup albeit only a few days ago, and we have remained Facebook friends if that means anything

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest giving her some space to cool down before trying to talk to her again. Since the breakup happened only a few days ago, it would be a better idea to give her a couple of weeks before dropping her the message.

      Reply
  • Jake

    Hey so my ex and I have been talking casually after a period of 1 month no contact. I initiate contact a majority of the time, its all positive a good amount of the time, sometimes it is kind of neutral. around 2 weeks ago i asked her to lunch and she said yes, and earlier this past week i called her and we had a pretty good conversation about our past relationship and how we both felt we leaned on each other too much and kind of lost ourselves. A day or 2 later, while talking she asked me to hang out... shes a shy and reserved person by character, she even admitted she was very nervous when we met for lunch. I feel like were moving in the right direction (ive been following some great advice on here). I just want to try to get her to open up more, and maybe initiate more contact without feeling nervous. I have tried to not over text her because i feel i was needy towards the end of our relationship.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear. It seems like you're on the right path the way things are headed, and you'll probably just have to continue to build a level of comfort with her so that she automatically starts to open up more. It might take some time but be patient.

      Reply
  • Lazaro

    So I applied the NC on my ex and today I sent her a message I don’t know like something told me to do so! And she replied I even asked her wyd and she said I’m going to the hospital and then eat with my cousin days before she will so “nothing” and then was time I have nothing else to say and she keep replying!! Then I told her I’m going to the gym and she said okay. Like I said other days she will just read it and not text back. And then she went off for 3 hours then reply me saying “sorry I was at the movies” she’s apologized for not texting me for 3 hours... and make her laugh and now I just said bye to her I’m going to sleep and she reply to! What does this mean ? Should I keep texting like nothing happened? Or should I stop ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you are only at the start of no contact period, I would suggest you to continue on with it but if most of it has been cleared, then you could continue with the conversations to see where they lead and if it's possible to build up a level of comfort and friendship with her again. However, if she starts to reply negatively or coldly towards you, go back to NC again and don't get emotional or overthink the situation.

      Reply
    • Lazaro

      So since that day till now we keep the conversation going... honestly I didn’t spect this because there was time we have nothing else to see but she keep replying. And I was at working busy I didn’t talk to her for hours and when I sent her a massage she reply at the minute! I thought it was going well but then Yesterday she post a picture with a guy she caption it as “is my bestie “ then while we were talking she told me she went to eat I guess rn his house because she said “my best friend’s mom maked it soo good and spicy” by the way I didn’t went crazy on her when I saw this picture or when she told me that instead I tell her positive stuffs! So I went offline again and like 2 hours later I told her I was busy at work and she said she was going bowling with his “friends” she said “friends” so I guess it was 2 or 3 but no instead if was this guy because later she post a video of this guy again
      I don’t if she want get me jealous and go all crazy or she really starting a relationship with this guy and she just test me see if I go crazy!
      And then she told me we going to get some pizza all I said is “that’s awesome, pizza are sooo good... remember to finished all your meals” she said okay
      Then I told her her home safe
      She said she will after that i reply “awesome. Ik you can take care of yourself”
      Then she didn’t reply!
      Now I’m here like thinking what should I do next ?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps wait a couple of days before texting her again, and see if she texts you first in that duration. This person might genuinely be a good friend, or it might be something else, but either way getting jealous over it may result in bringing up insecurities and those emotions may show, resulting in her closing up to you. Continue with trying to build up the bond with her and perhaps even arrange for a meet up soon.

      Reply
  • Joostieee

    Hello, i have a question. What if I did no contact for 23 days and now I have to see my ex on a festival because we have mutual friends. How do I have to react to her? During the break up she said she still had feelings for me but it just didn't work between us. In the meantime I really showed to the mutual friends I have improved in both my physical and emotional attraction.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's fine if you're going to have to face her, but perhaps limit small one-to-one talk with her during the event itself. Be friendly but focus on your friends instead. Your presence could easily affect her depending on whether she still has feelings for you, and this would be a good opportunity to show off the changes you've made since the break up.

      Reply
  • Constantin

    Hi! I am writing you, because i have a doubt and hope you will make light to me. I've begun de NC process and i realize that after a week is my ex birthtday and i don't know what to do. should I tell her "Happy birthday!" not to be rude Or should i continue with the NC process? Do I have to take it all over again if i tell her "Happy b-day" ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You won't have to restart NC if you decided to wish her, and it's fine to wish her if you really want to but avoid continuing the conversation afterwards and keep it short.

      Reply
  • Jamie

    Hello to everyone in the team. I took your suggestion of drafting a letter and want to show it to someone to ensure that I get the best possible response from my ex. Please could you respond and I shall send it via email? Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could post the letter on our forum page, and the community could effectively give you feedback on it.

      Reply
  • David

    Hello,I’m in a situation I can’t even describe….My ex and I had been in a long distance relationship of 4.5 years.We really felt in a connection despite the fact that we both live really far from each other(Me in Asia and she in Europe).We had different religion from begin with but yet we still loved each other regarding that.We had fight many times like in every relationship but that never effect us that way.
    Yesterday she just broke up with me saying she don’t love me like that anymore and can’t see a future of us being together.It really broke me as she just do that to us all of a sudden despite everything was going so well.I really don’t know what to do so I was just crying and begging in grieve but despite all that she just left.Blocking me from her facebook and everything.I have her phone number but I don’t intend to call her as she might block me from that too.I really want her back in my life.
    I don’t know how long I should keep NC with her.What am I supposed to do then.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi David, not to sound negative but if there was no particular reason and she broke things off with you all of a sudden without any major incident, it could mean that she genuinely lost interest because of the distance, or might even have another person in her life. Regardless, if you still want to give it a shot, I suggest waiting around 2-3 weeks before contacting her again. However, if she still does not respond positively or hasn't unblocked you, I strongly recommend you considering the idea of moving on.

      Reply
  • Bruh

    On the night of April 1st, my girlfriend of 2 months told me that her interest level in me has been going back and forth, so she wanted to break up. This girl is beyond everything I wanted in a relationship; she is somebody I think is too good to be true. I did everything I could to get her attention since May 2017 and we finally started dating in Jan. I am not about to give up on us.
    That night I told her how much I valued her, and she decided that we should take a break and she will contact me when she has made her decision.
    I have been improving myself since then. I've lost a few pounds and I changed my hair style. Any other advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could also make these changes more visible to her, through the use of social media to highlight the positive changes you've made known and to increase her awareness towards you.

      Reply
  • Kris

    So I was with my ex for about 5 months and 2 weeks. She is a single mom and we both agreed that we would take it slow and not bring her daughter into the mix for a few months. About 4 months into it I finally met her daughter because I felt we both were at a point in the relationship where I saw a future together. She has been very adamant about wanting another kid or two somewhere down the line. The thought of having a kid has always been something that has scared me. Deep down I want it but I still get nervous when talking about it. It's not something I take lightly and I told her that I might want them someday but I'm unsure. Anyways fast forward to roughly a month ago, me and her took her daughter to an amusement park for the day and had a lot of fun. That is until a certain point when my ex just looked distant and/or upset and said she didn't feel well and wanted to go home. It wasn't until a few days later that she told me she needed to break up with me because she needed to be single, that she isn't going to be dating anyone soon, and that she still wanted to be friends since we were both pretty much each other's best friends. I did tell her that I don't think I could be "just" friends with her though.

    The break up conversation only lasted a short time and even though I told her I understand and wished her the best I was absolutely devastated. It seemingly came out of nowhere and I never really got a chance to ask her what it was really about. In the past my breakups have been horrible, like the lashing out creepy stalker shit but this time I honestly am not mad at her and just want her to be happy. But I also want her back.

    I have been doing NC for about 2.5 weeks now and finally my head is clear enough to get out of bed and try and focus on improving myself. I think part of the reason we broke up was because I had kind of let myself go physically and my insecurity about my body started coming out. I have been exercising and eating better since. But part of me really wants to talk to her to find out what went wrong and what the actual reason for us breaking up was. I don't know if that would be something we talk about after the NC period or just forget about it completely and start over.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be something you address down the lines after NC is over, but first establish a friendly relationship with her before moving onto such a heavy topic. Bear in mind as well, that by bringing it up, you risk reminding her of why she broke up with you which may potentially push her away if she's the sort to get emotionally affected by the past.

      Reply
    • Kris

      Thanks for the reply. We had many healthy conversations over issues in the past about each other's past but I suppose this topic might be different. I'm starting to get to a good place mentally. When I think about her now I smile instead of cry even though I miss her greatly and I'm trying to not get my hopes up and pre-accept that she doesn't want to get back together just in case.

      Reply
  • Dave

    Me and my ex split up 2 weeks ago after 2 years. I definitely want her back, and for the right reasons. She did it via email which is fine cause we would actually email a lot. About a month or so ago she said she'd needed a little space temporarily, and I didn't really do that (which I realize now made me seem desperate/selfish) so she was upset in her breakup email. "I didn't care about what she was asking for;she waited for me to show her how marvelous our life would be together, she didn't think I was right for her, she'll always love me..." The next night she sent a short, much nicer email telling me she prays I'm doing well and she "definitely doesn't laugh as much," not being around me. I sent a long email a couple days later. I guess my question is does it seem like I could get her back? I'm in no contact right now for about a month. Does that sound right? I'm receiving the emails from Kevin already but thought I'd see if this helps too. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like you're on the right path, and you definitely have a chance as long as you show her the changes that she needs to feel happy/secure in the relationship again.

      Reply
  • Jon doe

    Hello, I'm in a predicament... Soo I was with the coolest girl for 9 months but I was afraid to commit. Because I had gone in with wanting to take it slow and find the perfect girl for me. She just didn't seem that motivated to do the best she can in life (best being a very broad term) so I feel I had held back from commuting due to not seeing what I wanted in a lifetime commitment. So I not purposely pushed her emotions aside because she was deeply in love with me and I did not see it the same... Soo now she dumped and wants to move on but I think that I would be making a big mistake if I let her go... Obviosly communication needs to be worked on, and so does my issues . I read the whole article,but is their any different advice you would give, I honestly think I just need to work on showing and talking about what I am thinking instead of locking them away, any advice would be great... Side note it happened 2 weeks ago we did have sex like 4 days after and well was good that night but next day she wanted to not talk again... Soo obviously I sent a few sorry texts out but I have refrained the past few days..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Before you officially begin with no contact, was your ex fully aware of how you felt regarding the entire situation? Or did she regard it as you simply not being able to commit because you didn't feel strongly enough for her? I suggest making your intentions and thoughts clear, since this contributes to a healthy communication system. If she is fully aware and is still giving you the cold shoulder, then you should start on NC to give her some space to cool off and let go of any negative emotions she feels towards you.

      Reply
    • Jon doe

      I think that she thought I honestly did not care enough... I mean she barely makes enough to get by and I did soo much for her besides physically paying her bills. She is a strong independent women and I know I shouldn't try and change who she is I just don't wanna see her struggle, and when she never followed through on anything to help herself I just thought would she eventually drag me down.. But our communication was 0. And toward the end I felt her distancing herself she even told me so because she thought I would just leave one day... But I'm loyal. I just want her to know that I would commit fully if she just maybe showed me something... But she said she wanted some space so I thought I should give it too her, maybe this weekend text her , cause I do have a few things at her place I will want back if I don't see her again (no not gifts ha)... I also don't want to hurt her because she has been hurt in the past and she is an awesome perso!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's good to hear. It sounds like a good plan to schedule that meet up to at least pick your stuff up, and perhaps have the opportunity to express yourself once more, and to see if both parties can finally communicate their thoughts properly in order to work something out. If not, NC would probably be your next best solution short of walking away from everything.

      Reply
    • Jon doe

      Well I don't think the no contact worked in this one because she said she ran in to her ex... But my persistence actually paid off,and showed I did care.... Maybe tmi but I think I got her back but not 100%sure yet... But we did just do it 3 times today?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear. Now continue to build up a positive relationship with her, and do not let any negative emotions or insecurities get in the way of your actions.

      Reply
  • Osiris

    Me and my ex were in a short relationship of 3 months. I’m still confused if a month of no contact is the way to go, or should it be shorter?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For your case, since the relationship was not for a long period, you could reduce NC to around 2 weeks before contacting your ex again.

      Reply
  • Breezy s

    Want to talk with you personally is it possible...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      We do provide personal one-to-one coaching with Kevin at a subscription rate if you're interested.

      Reply
  • Benji

    I cheated on my ex girlfriend a dee months ago and weve been in moderate contact ever since. Shes started to date this guy but I just started to not contact her yesterday. Since then ive asked her to stop contacting me but shes now telling me she is going to kill herself because of how she has no real friends and how she knows her new boyfriend will cheat on her and how she misses me a lot but she says she will feel wrong if she hangs out with me or something and she is complaining about how horrible her life is right now and how she lnows im the only one that can make her feel better. She’s trying to get me to admit I l love her but im trying to stay firm and not give into her. She said shes about to block me because she is going to kill herself because she thinks I don’t care about her anymore from trying to avoid talking to her. Im not sure what to do she thinks I don’t care about her anymore and I want her gone

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm not entirely certain on what you're asking advice for. Is your intention towards winning her back or that you don't want anything to do with her?

      Reply
  • Jesse

    Is it possible to get back with an ex who’s been with her bf for almost a year? I have her on Snapchat but the only communication we have is saying good morning to each other and the occasional conversation. She broke up with me in October of 2016 and I don’t know why I’m still not over her and I hate myself for it. I’m still working on myself but I just want to know what to do for when the time is right. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the time comes, and she breaks up with her boyfriend, perhaps start by building up a closer friendship with her again, by regaining her trust and comfort, before attempting to move on with anything. However, remember to take things slow or you may end up being the rebound for her breakup instead.

      Reply
  • Johnny

    I'd like to thank you guys on this article, it's helped me a lot during my grieving stage. I'm writing on here asking for any advice you may have. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, we've been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We have been living together for almost 3 of them. The reason why she wanted to leave me is because she wasn't feeling loved. I work out of town for part of the month, but lately I had to work extra causing me to miss precious time with her. We broke up on good terms, but since we were living together she packed a few things and is staying with her male friends house. I'm assuming he's just a rebound, as they met about 2 months before our breakup. We still talk to each other on a daily note. At first I was begging her to come back, but after this article I've stopped doing so and giving her some space by not replying as quickly anymore. My real question is, do I have to implement the NC even though we are on good speaking terms and i've stopped asking (begging) her to come back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC is also meant to create some distance from her, and to either give her the opportunity to miss you, or for you to create some positive changes in your life so that she takes notice and becomes interested in you once more. Since she might be going through a rebound now, it's best to let her sort it out because your interference might cause her to become more adamant to try and make things work with the rebound.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hey, thanks for the article and the tips!

    My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago and I have been doing no contact for 27 days. We were in a 3.5-4 year long relationship. At first I naturally made the common mistakes mentioned in Stage 1 of this article (begging, pleading, denial etc). We still chatted for a few weeks after the break-up where she was still telling me about her day, whether it was bad, etc. Rather normal conversation. But eventually I told her that I needed some time to myself, to process the break up and so we could still try to be friends down the line. This went down well and we ended on good terms. We both agreed that there is still mutual love and respect for each other and we care for each other dearly, and what we have is special.

    After 27 days of NC I think I have realised that she is worth getting back. I have been working on myself and enjoying life BUT I still find myself missing her a lot. There is still pain and some disbelief and grief which is worse on some days but better on others. I realise that I will probably need more time in no contact before communicating with her (as we were in a long, meaningful relationship), but how much no contact would be too long? We are both busy with finishing uni, and I feel contacting her would be best when we are less busy... but if I leave contacting her till semester is finished, it would be 90 days of no contact. Would that be too long? Or should i aim for slightly less (e.g. 60-75 days of NC?). What are your thoughts on how long I should do NC and my chances in general?

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the relationship did not end on a terrible note, your chances are definitely good as long as the issues that led to the breakup are resolved. NC tends to extend beyond a month or two when the relationship ended on a bad note and one party still requires more time to recover. In your case, too much NC may actually backfire as it may lead to your ex moving on in the meantime. I would suggest taking things slow during this period but perhaps contact her to restart a level of friendship first. If you'd like to continue on with NC, I would recommend another month more at most before initiating some form of contact with her.

      Reply
  • Justin

    First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for all of your help. After my girlfriend and I broke up I thought there was no hope. But after I read your articles I employed no contact and in 3 weeks she started trying to talk to me again. Her friend who I talked to had no idea why my ex was acting like this but told me that she had been really upset lately. The next day she texted me and just flat out told me that she really missed me and wanted things to go back to the way they were between us. After 5 days of pleasant conversation she already suggested several meetups. Your strategies really worked for me. I was a little skeptical before, but I'll admit that I was wrong. You really did the impossible. Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear! We hope your journey would continue being pleasant and things end happily for you!

      Reply
  • Kyle

    Hey, I've been reading this article and it's helping me calm down. The thing is the no contact thing is where I have a problem. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and a half now and she would always say how she would never stop loving me and how we were gonna have a future together. Well just recently she told me she doesn't love me anymore and it's actually because lately she has been really busy and hasn't had much time to talk to me. So since that happened she figured she could do that for life, not talking to me at all. She said she still has some feelings for me but it's not as strong as it used to be. My fear is that if I do no contact she'll just continue to live life without me and never wanting me back, maybe even forgetting about me altogether. What should I do about this? I really do think the world of her and I definitely think she's worth the time and effort.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Distance might not be the issue here, but rather serving as a distraction from an aspect of the relationship she may not have been happy about. This may have led her to feel that not being with you or talking to you would be okay since she could survive during her busy periods doing so. Try finding out what it was that she might not have been satisfied with in the relationship and figure out if it's something that can be worked on to make her want to spend more time with you.

      Reply
  • MattJC

    My ex and I had a very good relationship, but we are both very different people as she is introverted and I am extroverted. We are in a Master's class together and it is a cohort, so we see each other once a week in class, every other week is in person with the other classes being online. We were together for about 11 months.

    At around the 10 month mark, she was upset that I was still talking about living and teaching abroad, she originally said she wanted to go with me, but had since changed her mind and wants to stay in the USA. She asked for a one week break and told me that I needed to think about what I really wanted. I was really upset, but thought about it and texted her the next day that I did not need a week to figure out that she meant more to me than living abroad. She called me about an hour later, crying, saying that she was an emotional wreck and that she did not want to lose me. She came over and we patched things up, or at least I thought we did.

    Things were great for about two weeks, but then because we didn't get to the bottom of what was really happening in our relationship, history repeated itself. She was still not confident that I wanted to be with her. We went on a weekend vacation together and she was starting to get upset at me for little things. On the ride home, she was saying that she was at the point in her life where she wanted to settle down. I don't remember what I said, but I am sure it was less than satisfactory as I was still having trouble letting go of my dream of living and working abroad.

    Another week or so later, our next class starts and the teacher asks what our dream job is, I stupidly, of course, mention living abroad, which really upset my lady. She voiced concern again after class. Then the next day, I was at her place and she was acting very distant and cold. Things ended up being better later that evening, but the next morning she sat up on her bed and started crying, saying that the past two months have been really difficult for her. She asked me if I really wanted to be with someone that didn't like the same TV shows as her or music. I told her we indeed liked the same shows and music, I listed a few off and she said that I was lying because I had suffered through them (I was not lying btw).

    She asks for another break and asks for a NC period of one week. I broke the no contact that she wanted and explained how I was feeling in an email, how things were not working and how I wanted to have a conversation on what we could do about that and that I loved her. She responded by saying that she was not taking time to figure out if she loved me because she knows she does, but rather if our relationship was working. We had class two days later and she ended our relationship on the phone and she said that I could email her with questions. I took some offense to this, but I still emailed her questions and of course begging and pleading and bargaining, not to just simply get back together, but to talk about what was wrong. All she would say is that our personalities do not work together and that she was enabling me, enabling the less-than favorable aspects of my personality.

    The last text that she sent me ended with, "I know myself and I know this is the correct thing because of what I said last night [having to do with our personalities]. I know it's the right thing." A week later we had class together, face to face, and it was very difficult to endure. She got a new haircut and was looking fantastic. I shaved my beard and did up myself as well. I kept catching her looking at me, and she kept catching me looking at her. After class I asked if we could talk face to face and she said, "I would not be able to handle that right now. Maybe with some time." That is the last thing that she said to me as I started NC after that text last Thursday.

    There are other events happening in her life. She got on bad terms with her roommate and started comparing some of the things that I do to some of the things that her roommate did in a negative way. She decided to move out due to her roommate and is moving back in with her parents about 45 miles away from me. We are also partners for an assignment coming up that is due in nine days. This can be done online, but we will have a face to face class the next week, so 16 days from now.

    I have been thinking about what caused our relationship to fracture and it seems it was both her being upset about me still wanting to travel as well as us not being open and honest about things that bothered us in our relationship and working on ways to make it better. Looking for advice on how to handle working together during NC period.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's not just about you wanting to travel but it seems that you're at the stage in life where you still want to explore the world and expose yourself to new experiences (which is not wrong), but she is at the stage where she wants security and stability, which is something you subconsciously fail to do because of your differences. I would suggest figuring out what it is you ultimately value more at this stage and be honest with yourself.

      Reply
    • MattJC

      I have been doing a lot of thinking and meditating over the past two weeks. I realized that you are absolutely correct when you say that I subconsciously failed to give her the security and stability that she desired. I know that I want to be with her. There are other opportunities to explore the world. I am currently trying my best not to contact her, I am six days in and trying to focus on bettering myself. Thank you for your support with helping myself and everyone else on this site getting through these difficult times.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      All the best Matt. We hope that things work out well for you.

      Reply
  • Paul

    So I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 4 years , we had slowly been loosing the spark , sitting on our phones not engaging in convo , she’d go to bed early and I’d sit up a little longer before then going to bed myself . I knew we had to do something , but the convo would turn into an argument if we spoke about it , then she told
    Me that was it she didn’t feel the same , we’d grown apart , at first I agreed because I felt the same but thinking about it , I was still
    Trying and she seemed to give up . I moved out two weeks ago and I’ve been a mess , she’s been totally fine and says she’s happier without all of our arguments , the arguments I never wanted . I am now going to try the step by step guide because I love this girl with every bone in my body , I just feel she’s given up and is too stubborn for her own good . We have been texting almost everyday within these two weeks but I feel I’m annoying her , which I don’t want to do as I still want her back , which brought me to this website I’m now going to try the step by step guide .

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, do follow our guide and the 5 main steps within in on getting her back. You can refer to our other articles for more help and information regarding each step.

      Reply
    • Paul

      Hi , thanks for the reply ! I’ve been feeling better about myself the past 2 days , I implemented NC and got the text she understood , although last night I received 10 calls and 7 texts asking me if I was okay , demanding I answered or she couldn’t sleep and would go on to contact my friend , I broke the rule just to say the same thing again , I then received texts to make me feel bad . ‘I would never do that to you even if I was trying to get back to normal life ‘ When actually she did , last week when I was in the denial/grief and needy stage she wrote back eventually but mostly left me in the dark . It’s this tit for tat thing , I don’t know if she’s thinking I’m not talking to her just to get back at her for doing the same to me , she can’t brake up with me then expect to still demand me to talk to her when it suites her no ? I really do love this girl and want to conversate with her but feel we need to change and don’t want to be walked all over and made to look easy/foolish/ weak

      Reply
    • MattJC

      Stay strong, Paul. I am going through a similar thing, only I wish that my ex would text me, even if she was angry. I have made it to 6 days without NC and feeling very anxious, but that anxiousness is decreasing with every day that passes.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People instinctively tend to have double standards when they first do something that suits their whim, but dislike it when others do the same. Her angst will pass once she cools off, and you just have to continue doing what you've set out to do.

      Reply
  • Jean Paul

    Hi, so I kinda broke up a while back and we still loved each other. But a few days ago I asked her to get back with me and she said no. So thats when I started to feel the pain. 2 days of griefing later I started the NC period. On the 1st day itself she called me twice in the morning and i didnt answer. Later i told her I need space and time to heal and then she sent a voice note where she was crying and saying she misses me. But i Just told her after I heal and improve we should talk. The next day she kept replying to some of my whatsapp statuses but I did not answer. And today she just told me that she misses me again. What should I be doing to get her back? How long should I do NC for?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how long you were together for. Ideally it would be 1 month from NC begins, shorter if the relationship length was only a short period. She may have said no back then to getting back together because she was upset or still confused, but the fact that she misses you and is constantly trying to talk to you, could mean that she can't control her emotions very well and may even want you back.

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      So we were together for 1 year and 4 months. Im also the first guy she ever went to third base with. After no contact should I take it slow or go for physical contact on the date itself? Should I keep doing NC even If I already stopped griefing? The thing is NC is being extremely hard for me cause we used to talk everyday from waking up to sleeping. When I stopped talking to her a lot she said that I took her for granted and left me. Some more advice please?

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      She also keeps telling me to come meet her. She even told me that she's home alone and that I could come over, I replied to her today, I dont know if its a mistake, but I badly need advice.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC for the time being, and when you do initiate to meet up, do not jump right into physical contact until at least some familiarity has built up and she is comfortable with you. Avoid jumping any steps or taking shortcuts because you never know how she might be feeling towards you.

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      I messed up and asked her out too soon. Will using no contact again but this time for 30 days work?

      Reply
    • Jake

      What do I when the end of NC is on April 1st

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Follow our main guide for steps to follow, and you could also refer to this article on what to do after NC.

      Reply
  • Jay

    Dear Kevin,

    Well written article and I really see what you are talking about. But I npticed that you skipped a part, what if she doesn't write after the elefant in the room letter, what to do next? Shall there be a new letter or just let go?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be best to continue with NC for another week or 2 before trying once more. If she still does not reply, it might be a better idea to consider moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Omar

    I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the connection is truly a deep and meaningful one, it's unlikely that she would walk away from the relationship so easily. Perhaps she might just have been busy or did not see your message, or that she isn't ready to talk about it. Don't read too much into her not replying you, and continue with NC if possible.

      Reply
  • Mario

    Hi,
    I am a 30+ year old that recently moved to a foreign country for a job and been going out with girls for 1 year now since I broke up with my long-term girlfriend (break up due to long distance relationship). A few months ago had a date with a girl which turn out to be on of the best dates ever...very intellectual and with a final huge discussion that brought us together. Since then we grow fond of each other and kept in touch for a couple of months (we had travel vacations and other appointments so no 2nd date for a while).
    Later we had a 2nd date which was amazing. 3rd date came,learn more about each other...few days later we were dating each other... holidays came 2 days after, and each one came back to their home cities/ country. After 2 weeks vacations constantly texting each other, we get back to where we lived and continued dating. The 1st week was very challenging since we didn't know each other that well and we are from different cultures (western and middle/eastern Europe), but always talked about everything and it all went really good and felt so right...has a couple we had soooo much in common! After 3 more weeks of constantly dating each other and already growing very fond to each other, she had to go to another country (not far from here) for a 1/2 year internship. Before she went I told her I wanted to still be with her and that emotioned her deeply.
    We kept in touch for a while (and in love) but after 3 weeks, other by fear or anger of the older failed relationship, I try something different (on facetime) which she didn't appreciate...of course we had a huge fight and basically haven't spoken much since then. After a week we talked a bit by skype and basically ended the relationship. She told me then she felt she didn't know me and she didn't like one thing about me which I responded that we dont know each other that well for her to know if I am like this or that... after a while, I figure out that it was true since I never open myself to her much because I knew she was going away. We still texted a few times just sending a song or just saying few words like we liked very much what we had. It always felted right when I was with her (1st time I ever felted that and really strong) and she previously confessed that to me 1st. I know now that my mistake was never open much to her which didn´t allow her to relate more to me and to feel more close... although it has been more than 2 weeks without any contact and I feel more rational...still want her... what should I do? Is it too soon (it has only been 3 months since I meet her) to feel that much? Never wrote a message trying to explain what happened and how much I am sorry for not being more open...should I do it? She is coming back to town for easter...should I try something already? I need closure...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the relationship period was not very long, it would be okay to end NC after 2-3 weeks. Check in on how she's doing and perhaps try to restart a casual friendship first, and see how she responds to things.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Hi,

      Thank you very much for the reply and your work.
      Already sent her an message but it has been almost 2 days with no answer...want to text her again. Should I do that? It feels like it meant nothing for her...and it is not an adult attitude not to answer at all.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Quick Update, just received an answer...a little too "cold"...She just said happy easter to you too, that everything is fine and hope I am too. No space here to answer back I guess... :(
      Any suggestions?
      Never told her the stuff you talk about on stage 3...should I do that at any point?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go with that, or perhaps it might be too soon to be initiating contact with her, as she still harbors some form of negative emotions towards you. Perhaps try initiating conversation with her once more but with a topic that can be prolonged on her end instead.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Hi,
      Thank you for your time and reply.
      I texted her to try to prolonge conversation but it has been more then 2 days... I feel she is over me and there’s nothing I can do ( she is a very independent woman, very pratical, and fixed on her ideas). Never wrote her the stuff you mention on part 3, and I am sure it is too late or worst if I do it. Maybe it is time to move on, eventought I had never experienced nothing like this relationship that felt sooo right...so special... It has been almost 2 months since the breakup and eventough I’ve already been with other women, still miss her...
      What are your thoughts?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apply NC for another week or two and try to start conversation with her one more time. If she still does not respond positively or show interest, perhaps you're right to think that it may be time to consider moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Omar

    Hello, there. My name is Omar. I’m 25. Just a few days ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to fights, a slight misunderstanding on both sides, and life. She made it very clear that I shouldn’t try to change her mind because she won’t change it however we were together for 2 months and now some of my friends and my family couldn’t believe we are no longer together. However, my mother is the only one that’s actually pushing me to fight for her instead of just giving in all because she said she won’t change her mind. She also believes that after thinking about this, that she will call me. Is it still possible that I could get my ex-girlfriend and keep forever? I do miss her and yes, I am a man of acceptance and respect, I’m also a man that refuses to give up until I ultimately have to. Please right me back and help me get my girl back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you really love her, it might be worth a shot to try and chase her back. Understand what went wrong and why the fights happened and convince her in your way that things would change. Keep in mind as 2 months is not a long time, it might be easier for her to walk away and move on, so there's no guarantee that you'll get her back, but it's still worth a shot. I don't recommend you do the full NC period of 30 days but perhaps give her a week of space for now, before contacting her again.

      Reply
    • Omar

      Oh okay I get you. And another thing and maybe you might see it the same way in terms of the length of the relationship but last year I want to say in August, that was when we both started talking and since we both had busy schedules, we took it by day, week, and month. We both understood that we both have school and work and so we both put in the effort to take things slow and go from there. She opened up about her past relationship of 5 years but she told me that when we went out on a date for the first time, that was her “official” first date because according to her, her previous ex before me wasn’t really the boyfriend type. She also claims that when it came that I would introduce her to my folks, that would be the first time for her that she would meet her boyfriend’s parents in a formal manner compared to how her ex conducting the “introduction” of her to his parents. She said that it was a party and they both ran into his mother and was like, “Oh and mom this so and so.” Having said all of that, we spent months working hard to finally become official which we did in January. Her family welcomed me with open arms and her older brother once said to me that I’ve done a lot more for her than what her ex did for her in the five years they were together. So my question is, would it still be easy for to walk away after having that much of a deep connection? What say you?

      Reply
  • Sebastian

    I was seeing this girl for about 5 months. Everything was going great until the last couple of weeks. I started to notice she was a little bit distant from me but every time we hung out it was perfect. Then at her house she dropped the bombshell on me saying even though she was falling in love with me she's been unhappy recently. The reason is because she started to ignore this feeling of how she needs someone more adventurous like her ( I'm a bit on the reserve side compared to her). Honestly she couldn't explain it very well and she admitted she couldn't but she said she can't go on like this. We ended up watching a movie together one last time and said our goodbyes. She stated she still wants to remain friends with me ( this is a first for her since she is very adamant in not having any sort of relationship post breakup with her exes.) I decided to go NC with her since I know it's important after a breakup but after three days SHE texts me asking me how I'm doing. We keep the convo small and continue our txt relationship as it was before ( sending memes and videos). We only said once that we miss each other but other than that it's been superficial. Lately she hasn't been texting me as much and I'm freaking out. I continue to go NC but it is hard. We actually are going to a concert in mid April since we bought the tickets back in January and she still wants to go which I guess it's a good thing. I feel like her feeling of insecurity just made her confused and I know we still have a lot more to offer each other. How should I approach going forward?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest that you complete NC first, and set the concert as the date where you re-initiate contact once more with her. This is the time to pick yourself up and make some positive changes to your life in order to capture her interests once more when you see her again.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Thank you. I will listen to your advice. One more thing. On the night of the breakup, I asked her if there is a possibility of us getting back together in the future. She stated there wasn't one ( she is also very adamant in not getting back with her exes, however she did get back with one ex, thinking he had changed for whatever reason, but ended it after the ex revealed he just wanted a physical relationship). She also told me that I was the best guy she ever dated because besides treating her with respect and showing her love and affection none of her exes showed her I also have my life together in terms of having a career, wanting more in life, and having a good head on my shoulders. Regardless if I follow your plan fully, should I even get my hopes up of a reconciliation if she told me there is no chance of us getting back together?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Most exes would probably say that there is no chance of getting back because that is what they feel in the moment, but fail to take into consideration the emotional aspect of themselves and how sometimes it can't be controlled. You shouldn't get your hopes up because you may start to develop expectations, but just carry out the plan with the intention of becoming a better person in general.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      The concert is coming up in a couple of days and I want to get some advice. I've done my best in becoming a better person and I also have been analyzing what went wrong in the relationship and how it can improve if a second chance is presented. I've also been doing the NC pretty well, but most of the time she sends me memes or whatever but I'd usually end the convo and continue NC until she texts me again. Once we meet up for the concert should I ask her if she has been seeing someone? How can I tell if she's feeling me like before or just as a friend? And also do you have any other suggestions on staying out of the friend zone? I feel this will be my best shot at trying to get the ball rolling again.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you're currently still in the NC period, there isn't a way of telling if she sees you as a friend or not unless she sends you text messages saying she misses you. At the concert, I suggest that you avoid talking about such personal topics until you formally end NC, and have properly re-initiated contact with her again. One way people get into the friendzone in the first place is when they become too predictable and boring, so do the opposite to create a level of mystery which may generate interest from her.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      I went to the concert with my ex. I went in with low expectations but it actually went better than what I expected. Before the show started we were having some beers and catching up with our lives since we last saw each other. I mentioned how I have improved since our time apart but not all at once so she wouldn't think it was an act. I noticed how she kept touching my arm at times and it wasn't until the intermission of the show where things got more touchy between us. I started using Kino where I would hold her hand as we walked through the crowd or brush her hair across her face and continued brushing her hair. There was a point where she was in front of me and I gently put my hand on her waist and tapping my hand on her thigh to beat of the music and she didn't mind at all. The best part was when she thanked me for taking her to concert and she kissed me on the cheek. But it wasn't just a small peck but more of a sensual kiss that caught me off guard. Overall I feel the night was successful even when we said our goodbyes she suggested we should hangout again.

      Now I don't want to get my hopes up but I still want to continue with the plan. My question is how long I should wait to ask her out again? ( I am flying out of the state next weekend and so is she next month). And how long should I wait before I make a move on starting over again? I do prefer taking things slow and getting to know her more on a deeper, emotional level.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you already know that you shouldn't rush into things, the best I can suggest it to go at a pace you're personally comfortable with. It could either be before you leave, or even when you come back.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      We went on a second “date” the other day. Long story short I felt she was sending mixed signals. We talked briefly about our past relationship where we mentioned our fav thing about each other personality wise. She thanked me for giving her space. I pretty sure she knows I still have feelings for her but I feel she is being more guarded about her feelings and doesn’t want together hurt again. Two things I would like to get your advice on: 1) she told me she’s going to a play and to Chicago with a male friend. When I asked who it was, she told me it’s someone I don’t know. Why would she reply with that answer, even though she has told me name of friends she has hung out before ( personally I don’t believe she is seeing someone, seeing as how it’s too soon for her to be doing something that fast with someone). 2) How do I explain to her I want yo take things slow with her?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she's sending mixed signals and doesn't want to share the name of the friend she's going with, it could be that she's subconsciously still worried and unsure on how you'd react to the situation. To answer your second question, if she's currently guarded against you on her emotions, your best shot is probably to show her with actions rather than trying to explain it with words because she might react negatively towards that.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Will you be able to explain what exactly do you mean by showing actions instead of words?

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      So I decided that I'm going to tell her that I need space from her right now because I feel I didn't get the closure I should have received from the beginning and she keeps sending me mixed signals. I'm going to cut her off completely until I'm ready to talk to her again. Should I keep it short in telling her I need space or go into more detail? Seeing as how I'm now going to go complete NC, does this lower my chances of getting her back because we kept a casual friendship right after we ended when she was feeling more vulnerable than she is now?

      Reply
  • R.P

    Thank you for the advice. I wish I had read this article 3 months ago. We were both married (she is still with her husband) I left my wife 6 months ago. There was a trust issue as I had lied to her about 12 months ago. I thought it was all resolved, but there was doubt from her side. I made all the mistakes in stage 1, an ended up stalking her one morning and got caught. We spoke a couple of times and texted a little after this incident. She has said she wants to be left alone to heal and recover. I have respected that. No contact has been in place for just over 3 weeks and I've decided to leave NC in place for at least another month. I saw her last week driving her car, she beeped the horn, I waved, so I think it's working It's so hard (we had been together for 2.5 years) but I'm now feeling really good about life and getting out and enjoying it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's good to hear. Ultimately, NC isn't just meant to give your ex space but more importantly you as well, in order to gain a new perspective and make positive changes to your life.

      Reply
  • John

    Hey, so I had this relationship with a girl for close to a year. We broke up a month and a half ago. It was because I was stupid I cheated, lied and kept everything from her. The first couple of weeks she would hit me up and try and talk to me and we would say we miss each other. Two days ago, her friend told me that I need to move on and that shes ready to move on out of nowhere. She told me she still loves me to the point where she cares about me, that she misses me as a best friend, but does not think about me as a boyfriend anymore. Then she let me know that she had been starting to hang out with someone and went on a couple dates. I kind of panicked and stuff, but ended the conversation with a genuine note saying im happy how everything is going that i handled it immaturely earlier, that im there for her if she needs me. I kind of want her back cuz I love her so much, and starting the past two days I have applied the no contact rule. How is my progress and what should i do in the future.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You did well not to end the note on an ugly one where most people may end up begging or using emotional blackmail. Continue with NC for now to give yourself some breathing room to pick yourself up. Consider the idea of being her friend for now and regaining her trust from there, and see if it's something you can handle emotionally.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Thanks for the advice but I need more help. Im 14 years old and my girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. I want her back. She said the reasons that she ended it was because "things were getting weird between us", and "We weren't talking as much and weren't hanging out as much"I will try to do the no contact thing but I don't think it will help much. I did make the mistake of telling her how much I loved her over text too much which may have been another reason she didn't like me. But all the things I said were for real and I meant them. But I need more help. She said she wants to be friends but i want more. She also ended it on text which is rude considering we were dating for almost 5 months. I havn't seen here in person since the day before she broke up with me so I need help on how to get her back. Someone help me please and respond I will greatly appreciate it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest trying to have a talk with her regarding this and to see if she is willing to work things out. You'll also have to figure out what her commitment level to you was, and how serious she was about you. If she was only exploring her feelings, but you've started to overly express yourself, it could cause her to feel worried and even back away from the entire thing.

      Reply
  • Jamie

    Hi, on stage 3 step one getting your ex to speak to your normally, I've just sent a letter to my ex following guidelines here but I'm wondering, what are the steps to follow if you get no response? Or a negative response? Been looking so I am prepared but can't seem to find the informatiion. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there's no response, the best thing to do is to re-apply no contact for another week or two and try again. Should you still get no response then, it might be time to consider moving on instead since you've given it a shot but your ex is still unwilling to talk to you or entertain you.

      Reply
    • Jamie

      Ok thanks, seeing as the main goal of sending the elephant in the room letter is a clean slate sort of thing, and a response isn't actually the main aim, I shouldn't let the no response effect me to much should i? The letter I sent was following the steps outlined, just letting her know I understand why, accept it and have been working on myself, those problems and ending with some things I've been up to and saying is love to tell her about it all sometime.
      When I do attempt contact after the week or 2 after sending the letter, I'll do it by text, but what could I say? I don't want to say anything that doesn't warrant a response (I.e "hey, what's up" etc..) Trying to find an article on this on the website. Thanks so much.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jamie,

      How about this article?

      Reply
  • Robert

    My X broke up with me 3 months ago. I took her for granted, showed her little respect and was constantly out most nights of the week partying and doing drugs. I have been pestering her a little too much asking her to come back but have now made significant changes and got help through counselling. I know she still loves me but feels I am manipulative and controlling (which I was) what can I do to get her back at this stage? Help!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space and continue to work on your issues for the time being. Make slow initial steps to contact her and if she responds negatively, repeat the process again without pushing her too much or getting too upset, as you want to show her that you're no longer manipulative and that the ball is in her court to respond to you when she is ready.

      Reply
  • Avish gupta

    I dated this girl for 10 months before having a succesful freindship of 3 years. At first place she was concernd for future and wanted a break for sometime saying i need time just trust me i will be back to you i love you no doubt i tried to convienc her to keep me with you in every situation she also said no one will take your place ever no one will love me the way you did an less then that is not acceptable to me but the more i tried to convience her the more she got irriated and 2 days later started saying i don't love you anymore from the last fight i lost love for you i still tried to convience her and she got more mad and 3 days later said i have boyfreind !
    When i told our mutual freind about this they talkd to her and she said i need time and until i message him (me) first and i(me) need to focus on my career ! I am blockd what should i do we both loved each other a alot it all went in just 7 days I want her back !
    She is enjoying her life bought a dress talking to everybody and following my besties and family memebers !

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give her some space for now as you might have pushed her away by trying to convince her to get back together with you. Work on yourself and allow her to initiate contact first since that's what she wanted, and in the meantime focus on your career.

      Reply
  • Shane

    I'm on day 2 reading this.. but i started the NC 3days ago......but my mom is contacting her .. is it necessary ?
    Anyways my ex wanted to be friends with me after the breakup,we are ok but it hurts to be friends with your ex and she's going out wth other friends..she's back with her family now in diffrent state, and she said that she's not coming back here and her family dosn't want her here, my hopes is gone really, she said that she loved some1 else , we don't see each other for 1week and we kept arguing for 1week and she had a bf the nxt week.. she dosn't chat or text me that much anymore, i noticed somthings wrong.. then i found out about this other guy about 3days after she got a new bf..i went crazy, i cried she said it's too late.....i think i pushed her far away from me, this guy is in a diff. Country , she said that they're going to live wth each other .. she said to my friends that she'll let them meet her new bf.. i was shocked , i was hurt..For 1year and 4months she left me just like that . She said to fix myself, she dosn't need my love anymore, and to give it to somebody else. I can't bare to hear that from her.. i just can't . She said that i ruind her life but it's her dicission to make not mine , she kept blaming evrything to me..but i still blame myself from losing her, i think i have a little chance . I have hopes but when i keep thinking about it i just lose hope..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be entirely honest, you might be better off in moving on and letting go of her. Based on what you're saying, there's simply too much piled up against you and although there's a slight chance still, you'll have to ask yourself whether it's worth it in the first place to take that chance and go through what is potentially a lot of hurt in the process.

      Reply
  • John Smith

    My girlfriend broke up with me last week. We had been together for a year and a half and were pretty much living together with plans to have her move in all the way and also had a dog together. She told me I was an amazing man that I sacrificed so much for her and it wasn't fair because she hasn't sacrificed as much for me. She told me that she loved me very much and that she still wanted me. She also told me that she might be making a huge mistake by breaking up and that she free loaded off of me for a year. I told her that she was not freeloading off of me and that she had made lots of sacrifices as well. She said I deserved somebody a lot better than her. She said she has been unsure about us for a couple weeks, but never communicated that with me. I took her on a business trip with me the week before we broke up. I wasn't the nicest person the whole time because of stress about my work. The week before the trip she told me that she wanted to give my parents there first grandchild. Then after the trip she breaks up with me. I helped her pack all of her belongings from my house and we talked and laughed and we told each other that we still love each other very much. I found out that day that she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizer for quite a while and she was going to see her therapist. During the relationship I had some confidence issues I know she didn't like but I was working on them and she was helping me. She told me she would always love me and care for me and if I needed any thing I could always call her. We are going to share custody of the dog. I haven't made contact for 6 days I am going to wait until after her therapist appointment to see if I can visit or see the dog. What should I say to her to get her back. I have read your articles and they helped me a lot. I just want your opinion on my unique situiation.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems that her mood/therapist issues might have been the cause for her erratic change in choice from wanting to have kids with you, to suddenly breaking up. I suggest that you have an honest conversation regarding this, and whether the cause for her feeling this way is because she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizers as you mentioned.

      Reply
    • John Smith

      Thank you for your reply. I'm going to try and see our dog this coming week should I use that time to have a conversation about us or should I not being it up yet. She has been putting Snapchat stories out with her smiling and looking really happy I have only viewed one and was wondering how should I handle that?

      Reply
  • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

    Dear Kevin,I feel like I have a special case here. I've read and re-read through so many of your articles. And they are great! I'm just having trouble finding what to implement. Ill explain. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We have been split for a little over a year. The initial breakup sucked. So bad. We both did the running back to each other on random nights thing. Had some drunk makeout sessions. He invited me back to his place but he said he just wanted to have me there physically. When I wanted more. Yet the looks he was giving me all night long and the way he was acting and kissing me, was not that of someone who was over me. Well thats when I decided to implement the no contact. Because I didnt want to just be his one night thing. Then I came out to him. I told him I was a lesbian. (Im not, Im bisexual.) We met up for lunch a few times after that and tried to be friends but I messed that up. The girl I was into at the time didnt want me talking to him. So I didnt. For about 6 months. Well I went to a bar, listened to a band and got drunk. I couldnt drive home but I knew he worked at the bar down the block. So I went in search of him and found him. I was plastered. I was angry at him and hurt. I said a lot of hurtful things. After that night I did no contact for 8 months roughly. I recently contacted him in a state of depression (i know, stupid) about my current situation/girlfriend. And I have now figured out that I have been in a rebound relationship for a year. I was lonely. Very lonely. And everything happened so fast and now i look back and its been hard as hell and its been a year! Now Im realizing me and her have so little in common. It causes us to argue a lot. So my question is. Once I break up with my current partner and take the necessary time. Oh also, my ex is moving away to Florida in about 2-3 weeks. And Im nervous about that. But, I will not and do not want to stop him. Because he deserves happiness. On every level. And I think it could make him happy. But I also want to be apart of that happiness. I see a future with him. I always have. And I always will. No doubts in my mind. So.. what do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's moving away for personal reasons, you should not stop him since you have not been a part of his life for the last 8 months and suddenly holding him back might seem like a selfish thing to do. The time taken to process and fully deal with the current break up might result in him already moving by then, to which you could probably give him a personal farewell, and stay in touch while he's there, slowly building up a bond once again.

      Reply
    • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

      I definitely am not going to hold him back. He deserves happiness. But I do plan on seeing him off though with a lunch. Im not confused about that part. The part Im confused on is do I keep talking to him? Because weve been talking for the past 3 weeks now. And I havent known what to do because ive been figuring things out with my current relationship, so i just havent messaged him back. Hes texted me for the past 2 days... should i tell him whats going on with me currently or should i stay silent? Either way, im going to see him before he leaves because i want to. Oh also, he was the one that suggested we go to lunch.

      Reply
  • Tristan

    Hey, bit of background first..
    We were together for just over 6 months, both admitted what we had was different and we both said We loved eachother, the way we felt was different and better than previous relationships. We were both abit clingy and got a little jealous about others exes, things were abit complicated as her recent ex13 still had her number as to contact about animals they owned together.. we spent as much time as we could together (we work retail and have odd shifts) so when we could we would spend time together. Everything was great went on holiday together and having amazing relationship, talking about the future etc.. during the last month or so she talked about when we did meet up it was always same stuff and talking was similar, made attempts at spicing things up, I now realise I was in a bit of a depressed state due to my health not letting me go gym, and I stopped seeing friends and doing my hobbies, I didn't realise at the time I was shutting myself away from most people. Then a month and a half ago we broke up, over phone.. she didn't sound sure of it on the phone but it happened.. I begged and pleaded for the first day and then I stopped. I asked about giving her some space and then 5 days later I messaged and got negative reaction. I started NC and then 2 weeks later she messaged and we met up to swap stuff over. When she messaged I took my time to answer and she answered in the same minutes I replied, she was waiting with hee phone. When we met i was confident, happy, smiling, not letting her know how much it hurt. I am still in NC but I have been working on myself during this time, I know what went wrong during our relationship and have been working on it. Stopping my neediness, clingy behaviour, seeing my friends doing my hobbies like I wanted to, working on myself and getting a positive attitude and improving my mindset.

    I am going to follow the steps of the elephant in the room text, I am blocked on social media (some) but only removed on a couple others, don't think my number is blocked, but I'm thinking of writing the letter form of the elephant in the room text. My questions are, is there a way yet to send a draft of the letter for pointers and improvements? And does it sound like a good idea? When we broke up she told me she does still love me, but doesn't feel the same anymore, we agreed to be friends days after the breakup but not just yet. It happened out of the blue as the communication wasn't great towards the end about any problems between us, during the phonecall things came up from weeks before that if she had told me about them we could have talked and she wouldn't have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak, for example: she thought during a certain time that I wasn't happy and enjoying our day out, if she had said soemthing I would have been able to say and show that I was. This sort of thing happened a few times.. so I've been working on myself, my mindset, confidence, communication, emotions, messiness, everything, especially bad habits. But I want to get her back try.

    So yeah, what are thoughts on this? And my questions?

    I'm going to write the letter today, try not to send it until you reply.. but I don't want her thinking I don't care and aren't interested in her.

    Hopefully you'll reply soon.

    Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could post your letter under our forum for feedback regarding the content. It definitely sounds like a good idea but perhaps wait until after NC is completed before sending the letter. It seems like communication is one of the key issues here, and it should be something addressed in the letter as well, since there was a clear difference in frequency regarding the issues between the two of you.

      Reply
    • Tristan

      Thanks for your quick reply! I'm drafting a couple of letters up just to compare, I've mentioned what I realised was wrong in the relationship that contributed to her decision, the fact that I have and am continuing to work on those bad habits etc, the main ones are communication and neediness from insecurity, apologised for how I acted during the breakup and am including in the letter the fact I am a better version of myself and am doing the things I normally do and wanted to do (giving a little glimpse).
      I have been in NC for a while now, it stopped for the day when she text me about swapping stuff and we met up, but then slipped right back into nc. Been a month now, how long should I stay in NC for? She is stubborn, but I don't want to miss the stage where she will miss me and go straight to moving on and forgetting about me, I know timing is important.. if she responds to the letter, should I respond or do the full NC for 5 days or so? Or should I engage in conversation if positive and follow steps in this post? Thanks, Tristan.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she responds to the letter, perhaps move towards light conversation if her response is positive, but only if you feel that enough time has passed since the breakup.

      Reply
    • Tristan

      I'm sending the letter tomorrow, I've written drafts and then mulled over them just to make sure I'm happy with them, but a friend mentioned to me today "I wouldn't send a letter as it is kind of weird as it's sending it to her house" I don't think it is but if he thinks that what should I do if she does think it's weird and either responds negatively or doesn't respond? I've followed the guidelines for writing the letter on this blog post so it's not an apology letter or begging letter etc.. thanks.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on the situation, and how your ex might view your actions (sweet or creepy). If you start to feel uncomfortable with sending a letter for fear that she thinks it's weird, you could always send a text instead or an email.

      Reply
  • Alexander

    Im in a messy situation and i need help.
    I'll give you as short a story as possible, and hope you can help me.
    So me and my ex had been together for about a year, but things started to turn badly the last couple of months, and we would constantly fight. She had a hard time see things from my point of view, and i really believe i tried to the opposite to her. At one point the fights became so frequent, that i decided to break up with her. the first couple of days, she would constantly text and contact me, but soon accepted it after a couple of days, and asked us to be friends, and we did (she still sent hints that she wanted me back though). Soon after i realised that i still really loved her, and that i wanted to give it a last shot. So we came back together, and everything was great, but then the fighting started again and she wanted to take it slow, and i truly respected that. We had a great time after that, more or less. But then she got really drunk at a party, and cheated on me, and told me so.. In the beginning the shock really got to me. Anger, sadness, confusion. She wanted me back to begin with, and really truly was sorry. I said a lot of mean stuff, i really did not know how to handle the situation. 2 days after the cheating had been revealed, she stopped texting me, and we did not talk for two days and i could feel she had become annoyed and angry with me for keep writing to her previously, i then casually tried to start a normal conversation, and she answered pretty cold. Of course i got drunk that day, and she was out drinking too, so we met up. I begged her to give our relationship another chance, but she wouldn't, and said it was best this way. That same night i sent her like 15 desperate messages, all of which she didn't respond. The day after, i wrote really stupid things to her, which might have pushed her even further away. Later i wrote an apology for my behaviour since we broke up, and we decided not to contact each other for the time being. I really love her, and i am ready to forgive her, as i have been prone to neglecting her these last couple of months, and i deeply regret it, i realised i have to change for her, and i will. Should i just follow up with the no contact period, is there a chance for us?
    Sorry this didn't turn up to be short anyway

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you can't look at things as you forgiving her and ready to give her another chance because she's no longer chasing you or trying to make things up to you. Given how things have turned out regarding your actions in pushing her away, it might be a good idea to go into no contact right now to give her some space to let go of her negative view on you, and for you to pick yourself up from the recent events and work on a plan to win her back.

      Reply
  • Jonathan

    Hello,

    My ex and I broke up on Monday and she used her daughter as the reason to finish it with me.
    Her daughter spent the night with her ex for the first time on Friday night and this was painful for her. Over the weekend she didn’t want to see anyone else and do anything else apart from spend it with her daughter. She said if this happens more often she will just want to spend time with her and not me. The other week she said we had a future and she said she loved me on Monday just before she broke up with me.

    What do I do? I have not contacted her since the break up and she hasn't me. What is the best way to win her back (if any?)

    Really good article by the way.

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should prove to her that you're supportive of her choice in wanting to be there for her daughter since her daughter would always come first. Show that you're capable of that, and still be patient and loving to her in spite of her not spending as much time with you, and sooner or later she would open up to trusting you more and allowing you into her family.

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      Do I give her space? or what do I do?

      Do I tell her we can work around anything she wants?

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      What do i do?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Often times, a single parent dating again may have fears of committing themselves whenever a relationship gets too serious and some resort to finding excuses to push their partners away for fear of getting hurt. By proving that you're not going to walk out of her life simply because she tells you to, it might cause her to rethink her decision of wanting to end things because you come across as someone dependable. It's not about doing whatever she wants, but proving to her that you're trustworthy and reliable. You could tell her to take whatever time she needs with her daughter but you really like her and would still be there for her. You could even send thoughtful messages now and then, asking about her daughter, etc.

      Reply
  • Adi B

    I have a quick question, not entirely sure if you cover it anywhere on this site, but how do I avoid letting her “have her cake and eat it too”?

    For example, she showered me with gifts on my bday and now it seems only fitting that i respond since her bday is literally one month later same day.

    Atm i get the feeling that, like i said, I’m letting her have her cake and eat it too. I’m not too sure if i am using that correctly lol i hope you understand what i am trying to say. If i get her flowers and gifts to reciprocate, would that positively move her closer to bringing up getting back together?

    I apologize if this is a stupid question.

    We’ve been speaking for over a month after no contact and have gone out maybe 6 times. Sometimes i feel she wants to hint at getting back together but other times i feel she doesn’t want to.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could use her birthday to soften her up with meaningful gifts, and that would probably increase your chances, but based on what you're saying - you seem to be doing fine even without that opportunity given that you've gone out with her a couple of times since NC. Just continue working on that and building up the level of comfort and bond you share with her.

      Reply
    • Adi B

      At what point do I try telling her if we can take it slow again or something? I am worried I’ll end up in the friendzone and sooner or later she’ll meet someone else because I missed the chance. I mean sure she may be battling herself with getting back together and not but at what point will she believe I am “just a friend” since my elephant in the room text was replied to with “let’s be friends.”

      What if she is expecting ME to make the move? Like I said, at times it feels as if she is still interested in more than friendship and other times it feels as if not, as if she isn’t even there.

      I’m not sure I am explaining myself correctly.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always progress things along in a casual manner, similar to how you would progress when dating someone for the first time. Instead of just asking, why not go with the flow and let things happen on its own when you're out together with her.

      Reply
    • Adi B

      Alright that sounds like a good idea. Take it slow.

      I have another question. Typically, friends split the bill and each pay for their own food and tickets to whatever with some exceptions of course. Should this be my behavior? Or should I pay for everything still as if it was a date although we’re not calling it a date?

      I’m not trying to be cheap, I’m honestly asking if I should behave as a friend OR as a date.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you were trying to win her back and you think offering to pay might continue to further impress her, you could always consider that. However, if it's genuinely more towards building just a friendship up for now first, split the bill.

      Reply
  • Bradley

    Fantastic read..
    I stuffed up after 2 weeks Nc .. and gave her all the power.. she started having unrealistic demands topped off with she never loved me in the last 5 years we was together.. she is very angry because when she left i never chased her. Knowing my ex she is always after my to react..i think the last 5 month i have learnt not to react and that's why we are here.. after the demands and never loving me i didn't react and started no contact again.. now been 9 days. I have been blocked on social media she has been deactivating and reactivating her Fb... but i have to resist and temptation.. and book marking this site 9 days ago have gave me strength.. cheers for that
    Thanks again
    Brad

    Reply
  • Jesse

    First a little background. My ex and I dated for 3 1/2 months. We moved really fast (saying I love you after 3 weeks) seeing each other all the time (we would spend 4+ nights a week together) and texting/calling all the time as well. I have always been a little clingy in my relationships and she had the same issue so we became codependent. Fast forward to two weeks ago when she says she wants to slow down and just date (we had been talking about the future, marriage and kids a lot). I tried to stop all of the future talk but it was hard to go from talking about it all the time to never mentioning it. Well she broke up with me because I was clingy and got worse when I felt her pull away.

    When we broke up admittedly I was crushed and did the begging and negotiating thing that just made me look worse. Since I had been almost living with her half a week or more I got all of my stuff and she came the next day to get hers from my place. By the time I got home she had deleted and blocked me across all social media. She did not want to see me so she asked if I could leave her stuff outside. When I knew she had left I went outside and she had left a box of all the gifts I had given her from jewelry (including at Tiffany necklace that she adored) to stuffed animals.

    My questions are why would she give back all of the stuff that was gifts and how can I show her I have changed during the NC period since she had blocked me everywhere?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC period would not act as a continuation of the relationship in your case but rather a fresh start, as if you were dating someone for the first time. It seems that she wants to cut off all contact with you and make a clean break up right now, due to whatever that has happened. The best thing you can do is to let the breakup happen and slowly learn to accept it. By begging or asking for her back, you'll only push her further away and ruin your chances. Give her some time, and work on your issues in the meantime. At the end of NC, if she still does not want to respond to you or responds negatively, you might have to be fair to yourself and consider walking away from this.

      Reply
  • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

    As you've mentioned, apply no contact and focus on yourself. Improve the aspects you felt were lacking and make positive changes in your life. As for her and her rebound, there isn't much you can do about it, so you'll have to wait for their relationship to fall apart before making a move again.

    Reply
    • Jhon

      She sincerly still loves me.
      Do u think my chances to get back together are close to 0?

      Reply
    • Jhon

      And shouldnt i stay a friend beside her to give her a sparkle of love so she still know she loves me and think about it ? (Of course not over doing it)

      Reply
    • Jhon

      Also she is with me at university and i see her about 3 days a week in class, and we cant do the NC since we have grouoework and studies. What shall i do?
      Sorry for many replies

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Your chances aren't 0, but while she's attached, you don't want to interfere with her relationship or life yet, because that would cause her to raise her guard against you, and may even decide to block you. It's best to wait until after the rebound relationship ends before making a move.

      Reply
  • Mario Villa

    I’m getting the feeling my ex is seeing someone else but she just won’t mention it and is hiding it, purposely.

    I dont think it’s insecurity or jealousy or neediness that feels this, it’s her behavior. Although I’m not the expert so it could mean something else, i suppose.

    Is there a way I can ask her casually without seeming like i am just still my old self? I am currently on rebuilding attraction, we have gone on a couple of dates, and already even have plans for two more. That sounds fine on paper, however, i keep feeling as if I’m in the friendzone. She doesn’t reject any physical touching though so that may be a good sign. However, she doesn’t initiate texting at all on days we aren’t going out.

    Can I casually ask if she has seen or is seeing anyone?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how your ex is as a person. You could always casually mention it in passing as a joke or teasing her, but in all honesty, if she's only just dating someone casually, you'd stand a better chance given your connection with her, and by bringing the topic up, you risk her getting upset with you.

      Reply
  • Javier Jose

    Are there any signs to know if my ex is playing hard to get? Or are they the same signs as the ones in the “signs they still love you” and “signs they want you back”?

    I’m past no contact, past two dates, with current plans for the weekend. I get some “we’re just friends” vibes but sometimes she hints at more.

    I know my ex well and I know she is prideful. She isn’t the type to chase. I’m the dumpee btw (perhaps that’s obvious).

    I’ve done some kino as advised in articles here, and after two dates i just felt the need to bring it up to see what she’d say about it. I said sorry if it’s a little weird for me to put my hand on your lower back or on your thighs or hold your hand when we cross an area or something, it’s natural and we’ve been getting along so well that it just comes to me. She replied with a positive tone saying if it got weird she’d let me know but we’re good rn, and it’s something we’re used to. Would i be crazy to think that’s a good sign? I mean if she didn’t see any kind of reconciliation in the future, wouldn’t she rather have me avoid this kind of touching?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      They can work in similar reasons as signs they love you or want you back mean they have feelings but have made it not very obvious for you to tell for certain. And probably so, that she would not allow you to touch her if she had 0 feelings for you or felt uncomfortable with it, but the fact that she didn't reject it meant she probably still feels something towards you. Continue to take things a step at a time, and see how it plays out.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Ok so here is my situation. Me and my ex were together for a while and we both agreed that that time was the best time of our lives. Then one day she just said that she wasn't ready for a real relationship and said that she still had feelings for me, but she didn't think that we should be in any sort of serious relationship at the moment. I was very confused by this, but I didn't ask for any clarification because I took this as her asking for a bit of space. Instead, I went to a friend of mine who is also my ex's closest friend and asked what I should do and she also told me to give her space. I did this for about 2-3 weeks where we had minimal contact and I gave her space. She texted me a few times during this time, but I still didn't talk to her very much. She didn't want to talk about anything serious and I respected that until the end. That's when I just told her that I couldn't go on not knowing how she felt about me and I asked her to be more open when she talked to me (all of this was done as gently as possible). I told her that I wanted the relationship to work, but I couldn't go along not knowing how she felt anymore. After I said this she told me that she had lost feelings for me and that we should just be friends. I said "I have nothing against being your friend and I hope that we can continue to be friends and one day work towards something more, but I don't think we can do that at the moment." She just thanked me for understanding and I only brought it up for 3 days after the breakup. I acted visibly mopey for the first week, but I'm much better now. I talked to my friends and they helped me feel better and then I decided that I wanted to get beck together with her. I spent 4 weeks making a plan, but then one of her friends told me to stop and that my ex just wasn't interested anymore. After that I decided to restart my plan, but be a bit more subtle about it. Before I began trying again, I apologized to my ex for planning behind her back and that I did want to still be connected to her and us being friends is fine for now. Now I'm 5 days into no contact and I don't know what to do next. I already know that this is going to take a long time, and I'm willing to take the time because she is worth it, but she seems to have moved on in less than a month and she doesn't seem to care about me anymore, and I'm a bit discouraged by that. What can I do next?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just because someone has lost feelings for you, doesn't mean those feelings can't be regained. The fact that she fell for you in the first place meant that there was something about you that attracted her. Understand what that is, and when NC is over, include that in attraction factor with your plan and win her back as if it were your first time chasing her.

      Reply
  • seij

    I dated my girlfriend for almost seven years
    We'v had a few but major problems in the relationship n I ended it for 8 months. Then the girlfriend tried numerous times for us to back together, but jst ignored her attempts.n a few months later she started sending texts on WhatsApp and we were talking nicely and she's okay with us breaking up while we still texting each other she already dating a rebound bf but they'v been dating for like 4 months, I tried asking her back she told me she can't dump him for me. And she says we can still communicate cos she still loves me but we can't be to together anymo and that she has developed the luv for other guy...I would know what should or can I do to get her back to be my girlfriend

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There isn't much you can do at this point because she's in her rebound relationship, and it's best to let it self-destruct on its own as opposed to you interfering and causing feelings of hostility towards you. Bear in mind that you were the one who broke up with her and rejected her attempts to reconcile, resulting in her rebound relationship, so it's something you would probably have to live with. If you're convinced it's a rebound, it'll be over eventually. However in the mean time, work on improving yourself and your life in general and keep distracted.

      Reply
  • Sebastian

    Elephant in the room message (I dont think you read it earlier :()

    Ex name,

    I write to you now to tell you that I’m sorry for the way I acted desperate stalking your social media after we broke up. It’s just that I wasn’t my best self after we broke up, it was a hard process for me and it made me behave in ways I hated. I wasn’t myself, and I’ve had time to work on that now.
    I also wanted to tell you that I’ve accepted our break up, I understand what brought our relationship to an end and can see how it drifted as apart. I’ve also spoken to my psychologist about it and it helped me see and learn from the mistakes I made.
    I finally decided to quit my old job, and finally got a job in something I like doing (I now work from home). Also been going to the beach lately, to my uncle’s house. Been focusing on improving myself to be the best me I can be.

    Hope everything is fine,
    Sebastian.

    Reply
  • Brandon

    So I’ve gone past NC and also the first and second dates. I’m slowly trying to ease my way back in, however, after the second date it honestly feels like she just backed away. I don’t understand why? There are no signs of someone else or anything. We have plans for next weekend and yet she isn’t really replying to my texts nor did she reply to my phone call which we have obviously already gotten past getting back on calls. I noticed she was on social media, she just isn’t replying to me. What’s the deal here? After NC it seemed like she couldn’t get enough of messaging me, it seemed like she didn’t want the conversation to end. I tried to keep it going although i often ended it since the advice on here is to slowly build up the texting. Now it’s like she doesn’t want to text at all. Did i do something wrong?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps meeting you brought back negative feelings relating to the breakup, which caused her to act this way. I would suggest you give her more space, and to continue with NC again for awhile longer, before contacting her a second time.

      Reply
    • Brandon

      But she set up another date herself (not sure if you missed that part). She called me up and said “dont make any plans this weekend we are going out with yada yada and bla bla (a married couple i met through her years ago).

      It’s a very odd situation, perhaps she is truly busy and obviously she isn’t obligated to text me. It’s just ODD that at first there was so much enthusiasm and now there isn’t.

      I’m handling it better than after the breakup where I’d ask dumb crap like “if you dont want to talk to me just tell me and I’ll leave you alone” and then bombard her with accusations.

      Please reply to this if there is any more input or at least some words of encouragement would be apreciated. THANKS.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do you think there's a chance you did something to upset her during the second date? People would have different reasons to back away, one possibility could be that, while another may be that meeting you was more for closure than reconciliation, or even that she's simply busier during this period to maintain small talk with you. Either way, hang in there and give her a little space for now, and maybe drop her a text again in a couple of days to check in with her.

      Reply
  • Alex

    Hello. First, I have to say that you are awesome! I am learning so much from your articles. However, i found them too late.
    Here is the story: we were dating for 4 and a half years, and were living together for 2 years. The last year or so went downhill because I didn't appreciate her anymore, took her basically for granted, and started to neglect her and her needs because of my new job, which was very stressfull, and I worked very long hours. I wasn't doing it on purpose, i loved her very much, she meant everything to me, and she still does.
    She decided that she wasn't in love with me anymore and left me on September 23rd of last year. Just 2 days later, she came back crying, saying she made a huge mistake and we got back together. But within the next 2 months, it all started coming back to her, she said she is again feeling trapped when she is in my house.
    She left for 3 weeks, she went on a holiday with her sister and her boyfriend. During that time she was away she called me because she missed me. When she came back after new year, she again came back crying, saying she missed me a lot and couldn't be without me. And again, everything was ok for a couple of weeks, but then, she decided she needs some space, and we should not see each other for a while. I agreed. About a month later, it was valentines, which was also our anniversary. My emotions got the best of me, i called her, we met up and i broke down crying ang begging her to take me back. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that she got used to living without me, and she was okay with it. She also said, that she wouldn't like to try again right now, but maybe when i move out of my house into an apartment by myself, because she just couldn't come back to that house. I of course was crying and said ok, just don't get rid of me because i can't live without you.
    That was 4 days ago. I only found your articles a day before yesterday, and immediately saw all the mistakes i made. I sent her a text message saying i was sorry for being rude and needy, my emotions got the best of me, and that i realised now, the breakup was a good thing. She replied she wishes me all the best in life. I did not reply to her, and started no contact.

    What do you think of this situation? Do I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the time you guys were together, you definitely do have a chance with her. However, you have to work towards understanding why she first decided she wasn't in love with you anymore, as well as her reasons for feeling suffocated, and changing those aspects about yourself if you want another shot. Since she has gotten used to living without you, there isn't a point in pressuring her to get back together with you right now, because you would come across as the one who is needy and desperate. Apply No Contact and work on those issues I mentioned earlier, before coming back to try once more as an improved person.

      Reply
  • Jelly

    Hello, first of all thank you very much for his very informative website. It helps me
    accept the pains of my recent break-up. I'm a 36 yr old man from Europe (Netherlands) Although your website offers a lot of information, i still have some questions concerning my own situation and how to handle with it. I will try to write the story as compact as possible, since a lot has happened. I'm suffering from a mild form of MS.

    I was dating an 27 year old girl for 6 months, and she dumped me finally 3 weeks ago. We met through tinder, chatted about 1,5 weeks, started calling each other and the spark was there. When I first met her on date I was honestly a little disappointed, as she looked different in real live then on pictures. But we talked for hours and went to her house afterwards and slept together (was pretty fast for me, i don't like ONS actually). She asked me the next day if it was a one time thing, and I said no, so we started seeing each other more often. Eventually she told me she was sexually abused when she was like 13 (although she stated earlier that she was not carrying weight from the past). She told me she talked with psychologists about and that it was no issue anymore. But only recently she said she dared to talk to the person who did it to her, so i wondered if she really processed this all.
    She also told me her mother was pretty much a borderliner, and alcoholic

    She wanted to do stuff pretty fast in the relationship. After 1,5 month she wanted me to meet her parents. I said it was to quick for me, but she kinda tricked me into a “ coincidence” meeting, and so I met her parents. We had some discussions about the amount of contact on whatsapp and the amount of dates, but no fights. She had problems
    With her living situation, her work, and her grandfather being Ill. I felt she needed me too much for all her problems. When I couldn't be there for her when she called me in panic, and when I told her my own problems (MS) blocked me from coming over to her place, she would never accept it, and she was disappointed in me. I did do allot of other things to help her , and even went tot he hospital a couple of times, because her grandpa with colon cancer was almost dying. When I was there she was happy, but later on she seemed to forget those things I did, and stating, that I was never there for her when she needed me.
    She also complained about me being not sweet enough for her, and that she needed confirmation that I really liked her etc. She had a bit of a point, because I was careful in the beginning, and not 100% sure about my feelings for her.

    We had 4 serious months of relationship when we had fight about starting to live together, which was caused by her bad living situation, she paid a lot of money and had a dirty moisture house with problems. When I said i needed to think about it first, she got angry and probably felt rejected. She tried to blackmail me emotionally by saying “when she was not going to live with me, she would find another place, would stay there at least 2 years and would want to drive back and forth all the time (we live like 30miles apart from each other). After we had a big fight about it, she broke up from me. After a couple of days I started to miss her enormously and wrote her a letter that this break up made me see how much she meant to me and that I loved her (told that fort he first time). She cried and we had 2 nice weeks, where I showed much more of my loving side, and she confirmed that she saw I changed in the way she wished for, but that she needed to adjust, because of the rapid change of my feelings for her. She was colder emotionally in this period. After those 2 weeks she started another discussion over whats app (i asked her like 100000X no drama on whats app please, rather call) that she felt lonely on the birtday of her grandfather (she wanted me to be there). I responded that i could understand, but that we should have fun together before getting into family stuff again (because I had a fight with her mother). The she said, ok then it stops and I don't come with you and your family to Austria for Christmas then. I was pretty hurt because I did all kind of sweet things in the past 2 weeks, and she started to demand all kind off stuff again. We had a week of no contact and i went alone to Austria. I called her with Christmas, but she reacted very cold and could only talk about stopping the relation. I even called her dad couple of days later, explaining could reach her emotionally anymore, but her father also reacted cold (fort he first time!).
    With new years eve I did went to her place, and we had very good talk, and we slept together, but the days after she was much colder again, and the moment I complained about that, she broke up with me again. This time saying ice cold, that she wanted me to leave her alone. A knife in my heart. After this I started NC rule, for 3 weeks now.

    My question; I do want her back for some reason, but my fear is that she will never tell me she’s sorry for all the pain she caused me, since she was always only talking about all the negative things I did to her (and not the positive). I do know the things I did wrong, and already apologized for it. I also know she emotionally blackmailed me, and I let it happen.
    I don't know if I can handle the no-apologise, but I do want to talk to her.

    Thanks a lot, Jelly

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's something you have to understand if you want things to ever work out between you guys. A person like this comes with a lot of emotional and mental baggage, whether she admits it or not. Based on your story, this is quite evident, because most of the time, a person who has been abused growing up has a tendency of over reliance when they find a partner because of the comfort and positivity it brings to their life. While this may sound sweet/pitiful, there's also the flip side to things where the person also develops a sort of selfish tendency and is unable to empathize with others because they were never shown how. For your ex's case, she can probably only see things from her point of view and what she feels at the moment, so you shouldn't be expecting an apology.

      The case of where she breaks up with you whenever she doesn't have her way is a sign of conditioning, because she's been subconsciously conditioned since the first time that by breaking up, she eventually gets her way - but the process is definitely exhausting because at that moment, she may genuinely feel like she wants to break up and may treat you coldly. You're going to need a lot of patience with her, and even consider suggesting therapy if her issues do not get better. For the time being, I would suggest talking to her if you still feel strongly for her once NC ends, and slowly try to work things out again.

      Reply
    • Jelly

      Hello Ryan,

      Thank you very much for your reply. Should I send the elephant in de the room letter after NC? I did try to show her her actions to me are based on fear, but she denies and blames me for everything. How do I make her clear that her fears destroyed our relationship, without getting another fight?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes you could send the letter if you want. And to be honest, the best way to bring this topic up is only when you've gotten her back, and she's in a positive frame of mind. During that period, at least she may be more receptive to change then as opposed to now.

      Reply
    • Jelly

      It was 30 days now since last contact and i was about to send her the elephant letter. For the first time in those 30 days i decided to check her Facebook. My stomach turned when I read she did a status update about 10 days ago that she is in relation with a new guy. So half of januari i was in her bed the last time and month later she declares a new relationship on Facebook to the whole world. It is very obvious she jumped into a new relation almost immediatly and delibarately posted it on Facebook so freakin fast hoping that ill read iT (she didnt posted so fast stuff about our relationship at the time on Facebook and never a relationship update, she is not very active on Facebook btw . This sets me back in mental strongness and i probably should not send the letter now, since iT hurts like hell, i did read about the all the rebound stuff on this website. Do you agree that this is an obvoious rebound action and posting iT on Facebook is her way to try to hurt me? How long should i wait now? Thanks again, jelly

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It definitely sounds like a rebound relationship. Unfortunately, in this scenario, your only choice if you want her back is to wait it out until the relationship ends. I don't recommend you simply wait around and hope that it one day ends, but rather focus on yourself, and even consider moving on for the time being, and should an opportunity present itself in the future, based on how you feel, you could consider taking it up.

      Reply
  • Tamal

    Hi,

    Our relationship is from last 8 years but from last 2 years we always fight for some reasons where i acepted myself now as my fault, the time we are in relation i didnt realize that i am doing wrong to her as i didnt want she talks always with her friends(male).so i stop her to do so its going and solving till date but now i did a huge mistake i flirt with someone but my intension is not to leave her... Which she caught and breakup with me finally.. So i dont want that she leaves me because i want to be with her till my end
    I feel sorry and realize what i have done from last years but this makes me too late as she told to move on.. I am afarid to loose her

    Plz help me out how i can get her back in my life

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apply No Contact and give her some space to let go of her negative emotions relating to the breakup, and spend that time working to improve yourself before you contact her again.

      Reply
  • Bray

    Hello!

    I was wondering, how should texting behavior be after first and second date after NC and after elephant in the room text? I did NC for a month, sent elephant in room text and got a positive response, after that I’ve gone out with my ex twice since then and she said she had a good time both times. The second time she brought up some stuff about the breakup, which surprised me. It wasn’t necessarily a “what went wrong” type of conversation, more of what her parents told her after she told em we broke up. She said both her parents told her that she was stupid. Again, this came out of the blue and i was very surprised.

    I kind of got the feeling she was struggling in her head or something I’m not sure, i may be overthinking. On multiple occasions it felt as if she was trying to get me to say something, again, i may be overthinking. I tried to keep my cool and keep the “we’re friends right now” idea although i did playful touching of course trying to avoid the friendzone.

    Like i said, on multiple occasions it felt as if she wanted me to tell her something because i would stay quiet for a minute just eating my food and she’d say “what?” I’d reply “huh?” And she’d ask “what’s wrong?” When i am pretty certain i was just enjoying my food, I’m fairly certain I didn’t have like a sad face or something for her to think there was something wrong. Again, i may be overthinking.

    I’ve known her for almost 7 years and i know she can be very, very proud. Too proud, to the point where I’m pretty certain she would not admit that she made a mistake or that she would like to try again because i think she’d want me to bring it up.

    We went out on Valentines Night (which was the second date, that’s also when everything i mentioned above happened.) At the end of the night, i dropped her off and just said goodbye (no hug, no kiss, no handshake). As i was walking to my car she stopped me and walked over to me and hugged me and said happy valentines day thank you for tonight i had a lot of fun.

    I guess ultimately i am asking if this sounds like im pretty close? I’m not trying to rush anything, and i know it sounds like i am obsessing BUT right before the breakup and after the constant rejection, due to my failure of implementing NC IMMEDIATELY, its like i feel a damn trauma where i am terrified of trying to reach out out of fear or rejection.

    So again, what should texting/calling behavior be at the moment?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like things are going well, and she's even ready to talk about the issues regarding the breakup. Regardless, you should keep things casual and continue to build up on connection if you're worried about facing rejection from her. You don't have to ask her immediately to get back together but drop hints of flirting, without seeming too pushy, and observe how she responds to you.

      Reply
    • Bray

      There has been a development. She seems to answer my texts and calls if I initiate. Also seems willing to hang out. However, she never initiates texting at all. AT ALL. She did after the elephant in the room text, then all of a sudden she stopped initiating. She is active on social media however.

      You have any input or comment on that?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always continue initiating since she's been responding positively. Maybe she's used to the idea of you texting or calling first, resulting in her lack of initiation.

      Reply
    • Bray

      But doesn’t that come off as needy? I mean I can see her enjoying being chased and I have no problem initiating, it’s just that I don’t want to seem needy or like I am still my old self.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it's best to come across as being friendly but casual. If she does not initiate texts or calls, perhaps wait a couple of days before initiating again. You might need to build her comfort level further before she starts to do this on her own accord.

      Reply
    • Bray

      There has been another development.

      We have been hanging out more frequently and it has been going fairly well. At this point I feel she is at least 70/30 about getting back together with 30 being getting back together. So there is a chance as far as I can tell but she is “iffy” about it.

      However, a few nights ago she invited me to her place after having dinner, it was the first time she had invited me back to her place since our relationship started going in the shitter (months ago). I feel I should add that during our dates she’s really “date-y” about it. She’ll feed me with her fork and do things like that.

      Anyway, after dinner, we bought some drinks and some pot. We smoked and got really high and then drank a few beers at her place while watching tv. She seemed a little pushy about me finishing my blunt. I expressed the concern of driving home high and drunk and hinted at NOT wanting to stay over (since im not trying to rush any feelings or emotions or any physical contact). She expressed it was still early and not to worry about it, like I said she seemed pushy about it. So i smoked the whole thing and drank some more and she came out in some somwhat revealing sleeping clothes or pjs. At this point I’m positive of her intentions although i am not sure which is why i am posting on here. The pot and the alcohol got the better of me (the weed had me feeling horny halfway through but i was sure i was gonna control it until I couldn’t). I felt her up and she didn’t push me away until i leaned in to kiss her. She told me to stop a couple times until she gave in. The entire night we kissed as i felt her up and from time to time she would tell me to stop and other times she would kiss me.

      After the high and the alcohol passed, and i came to my senses, i pulled away and took a nap for about an hour or two but i kept getting woken up by her cuddling me and holding my hand and resting on my shoulder and then woke up to her pulling me on top of her so i could sleep more comfortably while she caressed me.

      After this i woke up feeling normal again and i said i was leaving and she it was ok and we just hugged goodbye and that was that.

      Any advice or comment on this please??? I’d really apreciate it.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Everyone has needs from time to time. This could have been her way of expressing that, although mixed with uncertainty at the situation. If you'd like, you could have a talk with her to address the issue of where this is headed and how she feels, before deciding on your next course of action. Alternatively, you could continue to maintain contact with her and work on building up the bond and comfort between the both of you.

      Reply
    • Bray

      I think I’m getting ready to “take the plunge” but I’m not too sure how to or if I really should. Ideally, it’s supposed to come from her, as far as I have read through your articles. However, sometimes she seems like she wants something more, but then other times it seems like she doesn’t. I guess it’s to be expected, correct? So I’m not really sure how to bring it up.

      I know I’m supposed to be as skeptical about it as she is, which I truly am. Our break up was painful, and the fact that it could happen again is scary. Although I am positive it would be a better relationship this time. I have completely accepted that the past relationship is over and there is no going back to it, and I am glad because there were so many things in that relationship that I didn’t like (mainly about me). No contact and your site and articles overall have helped me immensely. I am grateful for your advice even if it doesn’t workout with my ex, I feel like I am in a better place for the future.

      So how exactly can I bring up the idea of us going a minor step past “friendship”? At the moment we are friends. Strictly friends with the exception of the experience we shared mentioned above ^ in my last comment. Since that experience, she has called me more often. She also initiates texting more often. But still, like I said, sometimes it feels as if she wants something more, but then sometimes it feels like she doesn’t. Sometimes it’s like she is there, and then it’s like she’s not. It’s kind of odd but I assume this is to be expected?

      I’d definitely like some help with bringing it up and taking the plunge.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Although it's best if the initiative could come from her, but sometimes if she's playing hot and cold, it might be better for you to take charge of the situation instead of sitting around wondering what her intentions could be. You could ask her out sometime soon in a casual date-like manner and see how things go from there.

      Reply
  • Sebastian

    Hey! So, me and my ex gf broke up a couple weeks ago (january 23rd). I did the whole stalking her social media and nagging her about it/being persistant etc. I'm currently doing NC, planning on sending her the "elephant on the room" message in around 1 month (like march 10th). Is there a way to have you look at it first Ryan?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could send it as a reply here and I'll take a look at it.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Ex name,

      I write to you now to tell you that I’m sorry for the way I acted desperate stalking your social media after we broke up. It’s just that I wasn’t my best self after we broke up, it was a hard process for me and it made me behave in ways I hated. I wasn’t myself, and I’ve had time to work on that now.
      I also wanted to tell you that I’ve accepted our break up, I understand what brought our relationship to an end and can see how it drifted as apart. I’ve also spoken to my psychologist about it and it helped me see and learn from the mistakes I made.
      I finally decided to quit my old job, and finally got a job in something I like doing (I now work from home). Also been going to the beach lately, to my uncle’s house. Been focusing on improving myself to be the best me I can be.

      Hope everything is fine,
      Sebastian.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That sounds fine. Seems to include everything necessary.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Should I let her know I had an interview in her country last week? we had a long distance relationship.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could let her know when you are actually talking to her again. Including the interview may feel a little negative (missed opportunities) for starting out.

      Reply
  • Aly

    Hi!my ex broke up with me 4 months earlier.I made first mistake to texted her again and again.she does't want to talk me,but i want to get her back.We spend 4-5 hours daily in uni and talk all night,But now we did't talk.she broke up with me due to misunderstanding.I asked her to talk to clear misunderstanding but she said i don't want to talk and went.what should i do?her birthday is on 21 feb. wish her or not? I saw her daily and totally upset.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could wish her when her birthday arrives, but if she is still upset and does not want to talk to you, do not push her for a conversation after that and continue giving her more space.

      Reply
  • Eugene

    Hi, after 3.5 years together. My fiancee and I broke up (both 29yo) on 17th Dec, before that having a one week timeout initiated by her. While giving many other reasons (mostly due to underlying issues and communication issues) to break up, she mentioned she was unhappy, and wanted to find her own happiness, date guys who can give her that kind of happiness etc. The main reason was that she found out i flirt texted on 3 incidents, 2 before the proposal (which was in June), 1 (August) after the proposal, and how I dealt with it (sweeping under the carpet) on the 3rd incident that made her decide I wasn't the one for her, to my defense, I was 'guilty as charged', so I did not defend myself, kept quiet and felt that I could only reassure with my actions quietly from then on. She also given an ultimatum that 2nd incident was the last one. She mentioned that her family issue back in August, made her delayed the break up. But during these few months, although I felt less passionate and affection from her. She was still wearing the ring, and still does some sweet thing once in a while.

    So after the breakup, I met her a few times, at her place, pleaded with her, persuaded her etc. And expectedly, it didn't work out. She was very firm in moving on for good, and that she doesn't want me to be part of her life anymore. She went home and texted something hurtful by saying, that 'she is moving on, she is seeing other guys and I gotta let her go.' After which, I felt stupid after direct approach didn't work out, so I decided to give her space and stopped contact for awhile. In between there wasn't much contact, probably a few texts every 10 days etc?
    A friend of ours texted her to find out how she was 2 weeks ago, which was about 1.5 mths after the break up. She mentioned that she's good, and that she has moved on, dating other guys, meeting new people. Could it be so? Or was she just trying to chase me away?

    So last week, we arranged to meet up and do a closure, while returning our stuff. Our normal conversation was good, we are still able to talk, laugh, disturbed each other. I decided to try to talk to her about our relationship, which she obliged and listened, and at the end, I asked to give us another chance. Probably from different approach, she teared out of frustration and probably she tried to end the conversation by saying 'it's different now, her feeling is gone'

    So right now, I've decided to do the No Contact, til end of March. While I work on myself emotionally and change of career.

    Can you please advice me?
    I would also like to know what could be on her mind as well.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To put things simply, it could be that she has lost feelings towards you, but the memories and experiences that you both went through together isn't something that just fades. It's similar to saying 'I love you, but I'm just not IN love with you' - however, under these circumstances, you probably still stand a chance sometime down the road, but just not at the immediate moment. You're going to have to cut contact with her for now, and to let her slowly forget about the negative emotions she feels towards you and her general perception of 'moving on' from you. Work on yourself during this period, and make improvements to yourself (your appearance, mentality, etc). When you contact her again in the future, she will notice the difference of a changed version of you, that may incite her curiosity once more.

      Reply
  • Triistan

    Hi, my ex girlfriend and I were together for over 6 months, we both realised we felt something special, anyway, I know she's confused and not herself, she used lots of excuses none of them a reason to break up as it is easily fixed by us working on it together and communicating more, on the phone, i asked is this us breaking up? She said like in a confused manor I suppose so.. I know she wasn't sure as she wasn't being her usual self. I suggested having a few days to think and see how it goes, 5 days went and I messaged asking if she was ready to talk and had enough time to think, she suddenly changed and became rude and blunt, not herself and saying she doesn't need to talk, she doesn't feel the same (said that before aswell) and can't rekindle the same feelings, so we are meeting tomorrow to exchange bits we have, we have had no contact for a few days since, if we have any it'll only be about time to meet and I'm wondering what do I say? I want to get her back and I know for a fact that she loves me as she said she still loves me, how do I go about saying about the no contact for like 30 days? She hasn't blocked my number, but has blocked me on social media which is good as no contact will work then, but I want to tell her or not tell her in a way that will not ruin any chance of us getting back together permanently. We both said and realise at the start that the way we felt was different and more intense than other relationships, felt calm and excited with eachother and it was special, there was a feeling and connection not felt before.. But we didn't even get a try or chance, it's like she jumped the gun and this is a rash decision, she is very stubborn by nature. I want to give us a chance as I see a future and so does she as we spoke about it. Thanks, Triistan.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to announce to her that you're applying no contact, but rather, just apply it on your own. The whole point of it is to give both parties space and for you to work on any issues you think can be improved. You have to give her the space to let go of any negative emotions or fears she may have, in order to start on a fresh page again.

      Reply
  • Daniiel

    I am writing this confused and worried. My gf broke up with me but not by normal methods of breaking up, she kind of done it over the phone with me without ever saying it then I suggested we have some time no contact and then see how it goes, she agreed, then after 5 days I messaged asking how she was and she has had enough time to think and if she was ready to talk.. she said she doesn't need to talk she doesn't feel the same about me anymore but on the phone days before said she still in love with me, and still loved me but doesn't feel the same about me, she did mention she felt I was being a bit clingy and I know I need to work on that (using this guide). She got quite harsh and rude in the texts.. that hurt and confused me more, now we are meeting in a couple of days to exchange over items we have of eachother, what do I say to her? I know I want to get her back but I don't want to tell her I still love her as that will not go well.. what do I do and say?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, she could have been nice over the phone because she was afraid of hurting your feelings directly back then, but messaging makes it easier to remain distant from the entire situation. I suggest telling her when you meet up that you acknowledge your shortcomings back in the relationship and you'll be working to improve yourself. You could also bring up the idea of remaining friends, so that once you've worked on yourself, can build a new bond and try to win her back again. Remember not to come across as pushy or pressure her into anything she doesn't want to, at even if she responds negatively, just treat it as taking a few steps backwards. You can still turn it around.

      Reply
  • Asmen

    I'm 50. I feel I need a serious support from you. We're having a wonderful relationship my girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex whenever possible. She is 45. I'm having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got her family with kids. But due to some doubts on me, she broke with me two to three times. But I'm able to manage her back to normal life. She is working in my company. I brought her to my company only after we started of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully. We are able to spend a lot of time together.

    First, we broke because of her doubt on me with another lady. But it was a very fair relationship and I was almost like a mentor for her and she helped me in some financial troubles. I kept it hidden not to worry her for a long time and she caught us over phone red-handed. That was a very serious and she resigned. But I beg pardon and I explained everything she forgave me. But so suspicious on every relationship even with my relatives. It happened once more when I kept hidden something not to worry her and broke again. Again managed to get her back but She asked me to cut all suspicious relationships and I accepted. I'm so sincere to her till this moment and never thought about any other dating relationship even before I met or after we fell in love. She is the second lady with whom I had the physical relationship in my life after my wife.

    I was keeping some financial or company things hidden only because not to make her sad on that. But on many occasions when she comes to know about it she will burst out and will become so violent and try to break from me and the relationship. I had given oath many times to her that I won't lie or hide anything from her. But on many occasions due to fear of losing her, I kept hidden and lied many times to her. In last December one such thing happened and finally, she left me. nearly after 1 year, I managed to get her back as my employee in my company, on condition, i will not pressure her into the former relationship but only employee and max a normal friend but not intimate. We were had a lot of discussions apologies, but nothing worked out. She is not happy if care here more and if showed much affection. But she is very normal to me now.

    But I'm undergoing a very stressful period and she is my first love. I'm 50 now and all my motivation is surrounding her and I want to get her back permanently. But I fear, she had few earlier relationship which also broke but she never goes back to that what may happen. She is a person like, once broken is broken and she will never get back to it. What may happen I want her back. I'm ready to answer any of your questions. I need her back. Her husband is not at all supporting her for her living and abuses her very much. He continues to do it from her marriage days itself. She had her marriage 20 years before and still together.

    She got a feeling that I cheated or betrayed her. But I haven't done anything wrong or insincere to her except hiding or telling lie. But that is most important to her but its normal to me. But I'm ready to change. My company is going thru a financial struggle and I need this relationship back to set right everything. I need her back at any cost for the rest of my life. We are meeting everyday at the office and having normal and official communications directly and over the phone also. But she shows no intimacy to any of these communications and she told that she is not even thinking about me when I'm away. Need your sincere help and advice to her back.

    I did a lot of mistakes before coming to your site like begging, pleading, apologizing, promising on future and bad things possible as you pointed out. Now i started the no contact as you suggested. But that be limited as we are are meeting everyday in office and a lot of official communications. Please reply. Is you EBP advanced will work on this scenario? please reply on how to proceed.

    Reply
    • Asmen

      Hi team Ryan,
      Still waiting to get a suggestion from from your expertise. getting replies to all comments except me. please suggest if i dd anything wrong or please suggest the right way. Just to know that purchasing EBP will help me in my odd scenario. Please give some advise. Given this comment with a lot of belief on you after getting in to your site suggested by a friend in Texas. He is also wondering what happened. please help.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi, I believe I had replied you some time back but the message might have gotten lost somewhere. Regarding your situation, although you did not cheat, you still did lie to her and that contributes severely to a person's trust towards you. You will have to build that trust back up if you want a shot at winning her back. The first thing however, is to deal with the fact that you work together with her. For the time being, keep things strictly professional and only work related. Give her some space and time to forgive you, and let go of any negative emotions, as well as to slowly gain her trust once more. EBP system may definitely help, as it does provide various methods on winning someone back, and also guides your mindset, to not come across as desperate or needy.

      Reply
    • Asmen

      Thanks a lot. How long i should keep this "only professional relation ship"? You feel still i got a chance to get her back? Thank you...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she does not quit her job because of you, that means she is either fine working with you because she still harbors feelings, or that she has completely moved on. However, given the circumstances, it's unlikely that she would have moved on completely. Keep the professional relationship for as long as necessary until you feel that you can have a normal conversation with her without being awkward and a certain level of comfort starts to re-develop.

      Reply
    • asmen

      Thank you so much. But I'm afraid, getting in to "friend zone" as you mentioned in the guide.

      Reply
  • Sean

    Hey who ever is reading this

    About two months ago my ex broke up with me, out of nowhere and used the basic texts to justify it. As it was my first real relationship (bc i'm still Young) i fell out of all the clouds of happiness in which i was. We were a couple since 5 months and before that we've been in the same school for three years. In the first two to three weeks after the break up, we were still having contact over Snapchat, just like we were normal friends.
    There was no contact in the last month, but she was always on my mind to be true.
    Now she suddenly sent a Snap this monday and also today (friday). We shared a few messages and i was trying hard not to appear needy, which didn't work out all that well. She didn't seem especially interested but she made contact again...
    Can somebody tell me what that means? Is she still interested in having contact with me?
    Thanks in advance

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she contacted you again, it could either mean she's still interested in you, or at least interested in remaining friends with you. Either way, if you do want her back, it'll be a good idea to continue with the conversation by definitely try your best not too come across as desperate or needy and start things off casually first. Build up a stronger connection again with her before thinking of the next step.

      Reply
  • Luke

    I met a girl 100 days ago who I fell more and more in love with, 2 weeks ago we met for the first time, then the week after again at her place. Everything was fine until later that day, when I was home. She blocked me everywhere without even saying anything to me. I have no clue of why this happened, because she didn't say something she disliked about me before. It has been 4 days ago this occured. And i have been NC since 3 days ago, since I was desperetly tried to contact her, which didn't work out. So im still as confused as day 1. I don't know if you can block peoples messages on phone, so I could try to contact her there after a month. What do you think I should do? I really like her. I don't want this to end so quickly.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try to contact her again casually after NC ends, but you should mentally prepare that it doesn't work out, and to walk away if she still doesn't reply. She may have her reasons for leaving you so suddenly like ex boyfriend walking back into her life, or personal matters, of which you'll probably have to let go of things if she won't even tell you what the reasons are, because it means that she's prepared to cut you out completely.

      Reply
    • Luke

      Thanks, I'll try that, I won't get my hopes up because it's very unlikely that she responds, we'll see what happens. Thank you for your time.

      Reply
    • Luke

      What should I say to her do you think?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always start off with something light hearted, and see where it takes you. The whole point is to be as casual, and not to raise any of her defenses, so you'll have to come across as a friend. You could follow this article for more tips on how to go about contacting her again.

      Reply
  • Sophie

    Hi,

    So I realized recently how much I want to get back with my ex. After reading this article I realize it was going well until I screwed it up. We were together 3 years, have been apart for 1 and have a son. He lives in another state too. He visits every month or two. He was here this weekend and we went out with our son and had a great time. He mentioned it was great. Then we went out to dinner just the two of us. We were having a good time and then I brought up us getting back together. His defenses went up and he completely rejected the idea of getting together. I continued to talk about it for much too long. How do I fix this? Also, do I need to invest a lot more time in building a connection since we live in different places, have a kid and reconnecting would be such a big deal? Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, it would be a good idea to slowly build the connection back up instead of jumping at the idea of getting back together. Also, you need to understand why the relationship didn't work out the last time, and why your ex is reluctant at the idea of getting back together. If you can dispel his worries and doubts, he would probably be more open to things.

      Reply
  • Wilson Henry Usher.

    Hello Ryan,
    My girl friend just broke up with me on Saturday. We were having a beautiful conversation and all of a sudden she brought my ex girl in the conversation. I got mad about it and it brought huge misunderstanding. I needed to send her my call log and noticed that her name was saved as Ahmed Gift and My ex as "So Mine". But honestly that I thought that was normal. I have been pleading with her. She confessed she still love but I have to move on this she's time to heal and she's afraid of getting hurt. she said if I need her she will be there. Am seriously in pains. What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would recommend you following through with no contact to give her the time she needs to let go of any negative emotions of you and your ex. At the same time, focus on picking yourself up from the hurt you feel because she's not going to come back into your life if you're an emotional mess. Work on yourself and after following the no contact rule, if the decision to win her back remains the same, you could initiate contact once more with her.

      Reply
  • Alex

    Hey
    So, on tge 30th of nov my ex declared she hasn‘t been missing me as much when i‘m not around like she did a year ago when we were dating, and said she needed alone time to find out what that means. Until then we were ülanning to move to a different city, no warning there.
    So after two weeks of her being very ver unsure, she broke up. She said she has deep fwwling but there are reasons she will not tell me. I took a week of spontaneous vacation, came back and demanded she shouöd at least tell me the reason she broke up. After a lot if convincing she toöd me it was just little things she never wanted to talk about and that was why shw went cold. So now i am moved away (already signed a job contract), and i still want her back. I did 2 weeks of NC until she messaged me happy christmas (i didn‘t respond, i didn’t know how), the next day she texted that she understands now that her lack of communication was the reason and that she hurt mw deeply by this but that she stays with the decision. I didn’t respond to that either, wxcept after 10 more days i just texted „i know you feel sorry. Merry christmas and happy new year.“ and left it at that. 2 weeks later i sent the elefant in the room text. She responded that i don’t need to be sorry, she didn’t act mature and stuff, but ahe made the decision now and that means however we proceed with each other is now my call and that she hopes i have a good new start away (i don’t, honestly, everything was planned for the two of us, and the other stuff falls apart rn, but that’s unrelated) and she wants to hear from me sometime.
    So, i‘m waiting 5 days now and then reinitiate casual contact.
    Unexpected turn: an employer back in the city i used to live with my ex called and is hinting at a really good job opening in 2-3 months, which is incidentally my earliest bail out of my current contract.
    My question is, do you see a tactic for me to either get back with her on a initiaöly long distance basis until i cssn move back (which is what i would do in any case, great job offer) or can i stretch that phase of reconnecting to that point without friendzoning myself for life?
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, it's hard to fully go into the friendzone if you were once her ex. If feelings could be sparked once, it can be sparked again although the second time may be a little harder. My suggestion would be to build some form of friendship back up with her first and re-create the spark with her slowly, and trying to hint or get her excited at the fact that you're possibly returning in a couple of months. See how she responds from there.

      Reply
    • Alex

      Hey! Thanks. Yeah that‘s what i do, basically i stick religiously to the plan.
      Had a few casual encounters with other women in the mean time (great confidence booster and since it‘s out of her social circle it ain’t gonna hit her hard any time soon). Thing is, i do have a tendency to reactive depression she knows about, and while i am pretty used to it, i think she feels guilty of possibly having me pushed into another one (she has, not the wordt i had so far but pretty up there).
      So yeah. I‘m right now casually texting her (like when i see a cute dog in the street i take a pucture and send it to her. We always talked about getting a dig when we move in together). She seems very reserved. When i did a big facebook announcement about a big give away party at my place so friends can get some free stuff when i move she said she was unsure if she should text me before i leave for good (she didn‘t. I expected that). I think she misses me, but she sticks with the decision or she would look crazy to herself. I know, i‘ve been there myself a long time ago.
      Okay, well, thanks for the tip on hinting on my possible new job in town once we have more of a connection. I‘ll totally do that.
      And wow, thanks about empasising on no contact So much.
      I stuck to it (as best as i could) and it at least did wonders for me. I speak a new language now, made about 20 new friends, went to some massive parties and got involved with some marvelous ladies.
      If i hadn’t alteady found the one i want to be with, i‘d totally go for one if them. I guess that‘s the mindset i need. Knowing there is abundancenof happiness, but choosing the specific kind of happiness with that specific person. Thanks for all of that.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm glad to hear that you've had such a positive impact towards No Contact. Not everyone receives the same success as you, but that's because sometimes they get disheartened or give excuses and try to take the easy way out. If she's currently still reserved, just give it a little more time and conversation for her to open up more, and you can take your next step from there.

      Reply
  • Lucas

    Hey so I was with my girlfriend/ fiance for 6 years, and i knew her for 8 years. We had our problems about being faithful after I cheated and then she did the same, but we were teens then and made sure I would never do that again. However I became insecure after she cheated and became verbally aggressive and controlling and eventually she broke up with me because I caught her talking to another guy. My worst fear. Now their relationship isn't sexually at the point i found out but I still panick and began to beg and cry. the same day we broke up we had sex and said we would remain friends. Then we went like 4 days or so without speaking each other, I tried to get her back by being confident, like day six or seven. It didnt go well. It was suppose to be friends outing but I called it a date in front of her. Then I tried to have sex with her and she said no. Then I told her that I love her. Now I wondering if I start NC that I can healed up and eventually become a guy who she could re-attract her, or is it too late.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Right now, if you continue to pursue her, she might go to the other guy regardless for comfort against you. It might be a better idea to let her be and start NC to work on your insecurity issues, which you will need sorted out before you begin working towards getting her back.

      Reply
  • Darron Mayweather

    I was in a long distance relationship. My ex gf broke up with me. I pretty much followed the program. We had a great talk where she clearly outlined her concerns and that if they could be addressed She could see herself ending up with me long-term. She has booked a flight to come see me for the weekend. How do I make sure to not mess this up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Just be yourself, don't be too anxious about things and keep things casual. Treat the meeting as if it were your first date and you're meeting for the first time.

      Reply
  • John

    Hi, my girlfriend of a little over 2 years and I broke up very recently. I did the whole begging thing and letting her know I would change for 1 night, and just began NC a day ago. Before I began NC I sent one last message apologizing for continuing to pressure her into getting back and I would begin to respect her request for time and space. I have set a NC period of 30 days. My question is after those 30 NC days are up, what is the first thing I’m supposed to say back to her? Is it a “elephant in the room” message followed by the 5 days of NC again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could either do that or depending on how she responds to you, to continue talking to her casually after.

      Reply
  • Rory

    My partner of the last year and a half broke up with me about two weeks ago. I did the whole begging, but for about a day before I just asked if they'd be my friend. They agreed, then changed their mind, and then later said they do want me around.
    Right now, I have disappeared. Without a word to anyone but family, I'm taking a week vacation without Wi-Fi, or messaging them or any of our friends.
    They act apathetic, but will still reply to me, and has hugged me since then. Half of their family has messaged me, including their mother and grandmother. They're talking about feeling suicidal, dropping out of school, not wanting friends or to be around people.
    After this week, I do plan on messaging them the "Elephant" message, I plan on doing the NC for a week out of concern for them.
    What's your advice here? They said they don't have feelings for me anymore, but now they seem to be in a downward spiral. I love and care about them very much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC can have that effect on your ex. Sometimes the lack of contact and sudden change in lifestyle routines would cause your ex to miss you very much. If you feel that the amount of time that has passed is enough since the breakup, and you have managed to pick yourself up since, you could go ahead and contact her.

      Reply
  • Jack

    Recently I broke up with my gf and I really want her back. she didnt break up with me because she doesnt love me anymore but she broke it up because she thinks it wont work anymore. eversince the break up, i learned my lessons and i tried getting her back. i apologized and i promised i will change and she said she trusts me and will give me another chance. before that, she also sent me a message that she misses me and etc. i asked her few days ago and she said yes we are going to be back but for now, she said lets be friends and i agreed. everything was going smoothly. i had a meetup yesterday, and in the movie theatre, i tried not to show my affections and and keep the status “friends” but then she leaned on me, hugged me and kissed me and eventually we made out (she is the one who broke up)( i just went with the flow). after all these, when we were bout to go home, she said she is confused whether we should stay as friends or continue relationship. she thinks that we are just trying to force a toxic relationship/scared it will repeat what happened when we were dating (there was no cheating or whatsoever). she said she isnt mentally prepared for another relationship. she cried alot and i can see that shes having a very hard time making the choices. she decided that we should be close friends. what should i do to get her back as my gf and make her happy? does no contact rule apply to me now or is it too late? i can see that she really wants to be in a relationship but then she is scared… should i just move on?? pls helpppp (im 17 and we dated 20 months)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she is unsure but you want to be with her, then you can convince her that things will be different since both of you are aware of what needs to change to avoid a toxic relationship. Ultimately, it's also how you feel about it, if you want to walk away, then do not lead her on any further.

      Reply
  • DerekThePirate

    So, my ex and I are kind of talking on and off. She broke up with me because she didn't think I loved her and she didn't think I was sexually attracted to her. I was dealing with stress and had a porn addiction. She turned me on like crazy but I felt bad because it would take me forever to finish because I had usually taken care of myself before. (I have since fixed this addiction). We talk, but she is still having doubts about getting back together, she thinks things will just be the same. I keep showing support for her and try to show that I am more in tune with being there for her where I lacked before. Just having a tough time breaking through her wall. I don't know what else I can do. I guess just take my time building the trust?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yeah you can't rush into it when you're trying to build trust and regain her confidence in you once more. Take it a step at a time and remember that the fact that she responds to you is already a good sign.

      Reply
    • DerekThePirate

      She says she still thinks about the mean things I said at the end of the relationship and that it made her numb. She wants to hangout in the new year so I take that as a small victory. Just need to keep things slow. I kinda jump ahead when I start to make progress. I will be away for most of January, so hopefully that will give her time to heal more. There is possibly a new guy trying to get in the picture though so I'm worried that month away will give him time to swoop in while she's still mad at me.

      Reply
  • Vijal

    Hello,
    My situation is like i was in long distance relationship for almost 1 Nd half year and we never meet in real yet and we were planning too meet and in between she start falling for someone else and then she gave Me reason that her parents isn't agree and all this while leaving me and she dating someone now and its been almost 3 months from now and she is with him and i have done all possible ways to convince her and lost my self respect as i begged, i try to make her remember our sweet moments, but she gets angry on that and after that i ask forgiveness also and she said she forgiven but just ignoring me and im giving time also as its been month i didn't talk anything with her.
    There will be my chance to get her back in my life as its been 3 months of my break up and her new relationship.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider moving on since you have never met her but she might have met him. This makes things difficult for you as her connection with him might be stronger due to the physical memories they've shared. You can try talking to her once but if she doesn't respond positively, do yourself a favor and walk away.

      Reply
  • Bunny

    Dude.. i lost my girlfriend once as she left me 9 months back and soon after that i got to read this article of yours and it damn worked for me wonderfully.
    i followed your advice and emails regularly and now here i am.. having got my gf back 3 months back and our bond has become more stronger by this time currently.
    a big 'THANK YOU' for your guidance and now living a much happier life than i had before our breakup.

    Reply
  • Steve

    So I have completed 30 days of NC other than a couple little things here, she text me on thanksgiving and I didn't reply till the next day cuz it was her birthday so I killed two birds with one stone. And then the only other contact was when she was coming over to pick up her dog from my house. But I made sure that I wasn't home and that someone else was there to give her the dog. So after the 30 days I sent her a good reminder text and she responded well. A few days later we spoke a little about how our dogs are (since I have one and she has one) so now I'm just waiting a few more days to try and send another good reminder text or something along those lines. Is this a good idea? I know you're not suppose to let fear rule anything right now but I just fear that she is only replying because she said she wants to remain "friends." During the 30 days NC I have been proactive on improving myself by hanging out with friends more, picking up some hobbies, and going to the gym. But the fear that I will end up in the friend zone is what gets me. Any suggestions or more tips?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the relationship you shared with her was a meaningful one, it's unlikely that you'll be in the friendzone (not for long at least). Even if she wants to remain just friends, it's something you should take as it's already better than her ignoring your messages and gives you more room to build up a stronger bond. Some people get the shortcut of their ex instantly wanting them back, while some others would have to go through a slightly longer route of nurturing the relationship up first as a friend before trying anything more.

      Reply
    • Steve

      It was a 6 year long relationship so it was definitely meaningful. But right now (before the NC) she was saying that she doesn't want to date anyone or anything because she just wants to find out more about herself apparently. But last night I sent her a good reminder text again and she replied with "I'll never forget that" so today I tried to keep the conversation going by saying "Happy Festivus" along with sending a picture of us from an event for that "holiday" (a made up holiday from her favorite show Seinfeld). And she never replied. So I'm gonna take a step back and see what happens, so hopefully her and I can hang out sometime in the near future so she can see the change in me.

      Reply
  • Alex H.

    Hi Kevin:

    My ex and I “broke up” about 45 days ago. We are officially not together anymore, however we still live together because we have a kid and we own a home together, and she still relies on me in many ways. We broke up because of something I did over jealousy and insecurities. I did the 30 days no contact rule even though we live together, and after 30 days I sent her a elephant in the room text with no response. So I continued no contact strategy for 2 weeks. During that period she tried to irritate me and get a reaction out of me by constantly complaining and doing little annoying things, but I continued to ignore her. She even got jealoused when I was hanging out with coworkers. When I saw her attitude changed for the better in the last few days, I sent her a good memory text asking her out for dinner to catch up. She responded immediately saying yes and planned on catching up tomorrow. At the last minute, she texted me saying her boss asked her to go to a holiday party and she can’t back out. FYI when we were together she has never gone out to these parties. She made sure I noticed her new dress and heels and new outlook. Ever since the break up she rarely went out and seemed depressed. I texted her back wishing her having fun at the party and asked her if she wants to reschedule with no response. She also didn’t say anything after she came home (keep in mind we still live together, during the no contact period I tried to minimize contact). Only saying it was a good stress reliever, should i continue no contact strategy or work on rebuilding connection over text?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could try once more building a connection and if it doesn't work out, continue with NC again. Bear in mind that if you could make changes to your life (go out with coworkers, etc), she may do the same as well. As to whether cancelling on you at the last minute was out of spite or that she really had no choice, is something only you would know for sure.

      Reply
  • Zero

    It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex. This has been a great and more polished read, and I thank you for that. This past year has been a roller coaster. I made plenty of mistakes, big and small but I would like to say that I've learned a lot and made changes to myself... and I'm still spotting my weaknesses/mistakes and trying to improve.

    After breaking up, I still worked at the same food court as my ex for 4+ months. Considering the state I was in, it would have been best if I just quit right away. I realize now that even though I tried to act normal and happy, I was miserable and pitiful and if anyone saw through me, it was definitely my ex. I realize now that even though I only texted her about 5 instances within this year, she found them annoying not so much because of what I texted but her PERCEPTION of me that I portrayed during work. She knew I was still not over her. The thought of me is very unpleasant for her.

    I worked on this EBP program earlier this year (still haven't done all my worksheets haha), and I sent an incomplete Elephant text (I realized that I only completed the first step of the Elephant text). I wrote a comment earlier this year too on the "texting" EBP page... Kevin told me to show her that I accepted the breakup. This was hard because I stopped seeing her due to my new job. I also wasn't ready yet.

    **Months later and it's the day before her birthday. I haven't talked her or seen her for 3 months and some change. I snoop through her instagram and saw that she made it public. It also seem like she broke up with her recent boyfriend. Without thinking, I tapped on her profile image and saw her Instagram story. I messed up big time... Eventually she saw that I was one of the viewers of her Instagram story and blocked me on instagram the afternoon of her birthday. Just when I thought things were building up to be good to say hi too... Man, that was devasting to my heart. I texted her anyway and said, "Happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day". Of course there was no reponse.

    I ranted and talked to a few friends afterwards, and the conclusion I came to was that I will always love her, but I have to move on. I have to live life for myself.

    ***Recently started dating someone I've known for a while. I always knew she had a thing for me and I was also attracted to her so I thought I would give it a shot. This time around, she's the one that really likes me and I'm just going with the flow and taking it step by step (compared to my previous relationship). I'm also learning a ton from this relationship and realizing many things from my previous one with my ex. I still catch bad habits that I use to to do with my ex, but more importantly I have much more empathy for my ex. The bad thing about this relationship is, the more imtimate I get with my current girlfriend, the more I realize I'm still in love with my ex...

    I want to write a letter to her completing the Elephant text but I need your help. The gist of it is telling her that I was in a dark place and didn't show my best self to her but that I've accepted the break-up. (Do I want to mention about the Instagram story in a light-hearted way?). I also want to include that I'm in a relationship now and thanks to her I am a better boyfriend.

    Thanks again for everything... I've read most, if not all EBP content and they've all help me learn and grow.

    Reply
  • Tami

    I was LD dating a man for half an year. We have met once, and he said he wants to be my boyfriend but we reached the agreement to define the relationship when we meet in person. We havne't been there because things have changed and we just stopped 2 weeks ago.

    To keep it short, I randomly discovered his ex-wife's FB, posting past wedding photos and still with the profile picture of them up. But he denied he's got married before but only engaged. Then he broke up with me-a non breakup breakup actually. Few days later, I found his ex has blocked my faebook, but I know she hasn't taken down the profile picture. Obviously they're still in contact.

    I'm sure he was much serious about me to building a long-term relationship with me, but I'm very confused why he lied about his past marriage. There must be a reason behind, and I hope it's not because he is a romance liar. The puzzle is lingering in my head that I can hardly move on.

    Been in no contact since he wished me the best. Am struggled now because there're some reasons I do want to get him back, yet his lies has keeping me from contacting him again.
    I think I will text him first after no contact period end, mainly to find out the confusing truth.
    But asking him directly could highly shut him down again.

    What's your thought on this? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well, it could either be that he didn't feel comfortable telling you since you guys had only met once, or that you're right and he is a romance liar. Either way, if there's an ex-wife involved in the situation and is still in contact with him, it might be a better idea to continue with NC before deciding anything. If he's going to shut down again at the fact that you ask him about his past, you should walk away from this since it's going to be hard to trust him and confidence that what he says is the truth (especially in a LDR)

      Reply
  • Shawn. I

    My ex and I broke up 3 months ago and for 3 months I begged and pleaded her to get back with me. We broke up because I didn’t trust her when I should have and she broke up with me because she thought I didn’t trust her. She now says she just doesn’t want a relationship right now and I’m pretty sure she rebounded already but now seems to have gotten closer with a new different guy. We were best friends for 2 years and dated and were in love with eachother for 1.5 years. Last time I talked to her I told her how much I loved her but that our friendship was more important than a relationship. I’m now on day 16 of no contact and she hasn’t contacted me and seems to be hanging out more with the new guy but I don’t know for sure. Where do I go from here? How do I get her back into my life.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete the NC first and make your plans again from there. If you guys were best friends for 2 years and had a meaningful relationship, it wouldn't be possible for her to move on that quickly and completely disregard you unless she never felt the same way.

      Reply
  • ronin

    Hello Kevin!
    I'm 33, live in Eastern Europe, I'm a physicist by profession and I had a 5.5-year long relationship with a girl until six weeks ago...
    Although she's only a year younger than me she had only one prior relationship with a 57 year old man when she was about 25. Her father was abusive with her brother, sister and mother and I know she developed a "father issue"..
    Anyway, during our time together, I was never needy nor possessive; it was a farcry from her upbringing. As a personality trait, she was always jealous of the attention I receive from women even in ordinary nonsexual contexts.
    Now the bad part.

    In my country it's very difficult to find a well paid job as a Research Scientist so even if I'm quite confident as a man when it comes to women I've always felt quite lowly about myself when it came to my professional life as I've always did awkward jobs and never the research I wanted. Her, on the other hand, is a succesful cardiologist. This lead to my mistakes...my professional unhappiness turned me into a selfish person who neglected her on many occasions, made very little effort in showing my feelings for her and generally took on less and less responsibilities with her during the years.

    Last winter I got my PhD and two months ago I finally got the research job I wanted. This completely changed my behavior for the better but it was too late. Even if she was happy for me she said she reached the breaking point some time ago...she's been unhappy for a very long time and used this time to gather her courage to finally tell me she wants out of this relationship and wants to stay alone.
    She called me one evening to go to a restaurant with her where she ended our relationship. She accused me of not loving her, not taking on any responsibilities with her, not making any promises to her about marriage and moving together; beeing self-centered and never thinking about her needs. 

    I assumed all responsibility for my mistakes and during the following month I tried to warm her heart by writing a long apologising letter to which she responded that all the compromises in this relationship were made by her which in turn made her unhappy.

    I sent some flowers to her workplace to which she replied by saying she didn't break up with me to teach me a lesson but instead because she doesn't feel the same about me.
    I followed her two times to meet in person (with flowers); she was somewhat pleasantly surprised to see me each time and things got very emotional, we were both crying; I tried my best to tell her how sorry I am for all the hurt I've caused her, that things will be better now that I have a job and I'm a different person now.

    Bit by bit she started to acknowledge the fact that I truly love her, care about her and really want to make commitments with her but it's to late now and she firmly believes that I haven't really changed and will be the old self in less than a month.

    All this took a great toll on my health and combined with an urinal infection I developed working in humid conditions I lost 11 kg. Things got worse when I ended in an anaphylactic shock due to an alergy to a certain drug prescribed for my condition. She found out from a doctor friend and stayed the whole night with me until I was back on my feet again.

    I met her again the next day during my medical check-up, and between the lines told her that I believe in us and our future together.
    She told me that she's seeing someone for about a month, immediately after our break-up and will go with him on a 4-day trip which she eventually did. It all fell into place then...
    This man was giving her the courage and comfort to end our relationship a few weeks prior to our breakup when she started to act somewhat cold to me.
    I ended all contact at that point and I'm now at day 9 of no contact.

    I want to tell you that I don't regret running after her during the last month for 2 reasons:

    1. I love her with all my heart and know that I didn't treat her right. Even my male friends accused me of beeing selfish with her.
    2. I didn't know about the other guy. Even if I felt infuriated in my mind that she chose to withhold this from me for over a month eventhough it's clear now she knew him before the breakup, if she would have told me then at that day at the restaurant I would have never pursued her and little by little changed her perspective about me. She now truly believes I love her although she's not convinced I've changed or can change and chose to stick with the other guy.

    P.S. On day 7 of no contact she called me but I didn't answer. Please advise!

    Reply
    • ronin

      I read the 5-step plan but I'm at a loss as to what to do exactly after NC. I've already sent her a long apologizing letter so I'm not sure about sending her the "elephant in the room" letter. As to texting her to gradually build up attraction I'm not sure how to proceed since we rarely texted but instead we used to call each other all the time during our time together.
      Any help from anyone will be greatly appreciated.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, perhaps you could drop a call one day down the road if you feel things have settled down, and casually ask about a random topic that has relevance to her. For example, ask her the name of the restaurant you guys went before, or perhaps a recommendation for a present for your mom, etc. Work your way from random and casual topics and eventually maybe ask her out for a coffee.

      Reply
    • ronin

      Thank you Ryan for your kind attitude. I've realised today that I'm deluding myself. In 5 years with someone you get to know them quite a bit and I can tell you that nothing I can/will do will matter for her not now, not in a month nor in a year...she's very stubborn, she's forced on herself the notion that she'll never give us another chance and there's nothing I can do about it. She's a stranger to me, last time we saw before no contact she laughed when we talked as is we were mere acquaintances, avoided any atempts of mine to talk about us, etc...she's completely detached...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you genuinely feel this way, it would be a better idea to walk away from this. Focus on recovery and generally improve yourself as a person. It's not entirely true that nothing you do will matter to her, but just that at this point she won't show it to you, but sometimes it's better to walk away than to remain caught up for an indefinite period without the option of moving on.

      Reply
    • ronin

      It's because of the other guy...I don't know what he promised or said to her. I know I hurt her deeply with my selfishness during the years and she wants to move on now. I don't know if I genuinely feel what I said earlier but at the moment I know I have to assume the worst than can happen, hit the bottom of the chasm in order to heal and climb back up...I don't have the luxury to think otherwise. She always loved, put me first, made all the compromises. I lost all the power, confidence and attraction I had in the relationship, although I know she's still sexually attracted to me. In your honest, professional opinion, no bullshit or marketing aside,do you really think her perceptions can again change in time to the better if I do the right things? You have to understand that now I assume the worst and try to live with it in order to heal...

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Acceptance is always a good thing. It allows you to focus on recovery instead of being in denial. I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything but rather, that you never know what may change. People eventually let go of past negative emotions, but just a matter of how long it may take. That shouldn't be your focus though (whether she forgives you), but as you say to aim to deal with it and move on. Whatever happens after, happens.

      Reply
  • Webster

    I am writing this with a heavy heart filled with regret over the past and anxiety for the future, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend of six years and her daughter I considered my own in 2015 almost immediately when I took on a job offer somewhere else, it has almost been three years since I cheated, emotionally abusive, said the most horrific things to her like “she was a negative person in my life, the reason I never found peace, blamed her when things went wrong when I was with her, said she was bringing me down, told her my friends only saw me when we were fighting and other things like how she hold grudges and never lets go of the past, I basically painted her out as the witch, told her the break up was bound to happen”, I did the most discussing, regrettable and unacceptable things to her that even after so long still remembers every inch of a word, I failed to protect her when my family wrongfully accused her of things she didn’t say, she has given me ample opportunities before to communicate and make amend after the hard break, but I continued being mean, ignored each and every attempt she made, I messed up a lot when we were in a relationship, but she kept on forgiving me over and over, we went through thick and thin together, but when things changed for the better for me, I changed and left them for what I thought was the greener pasture, all because I felt a little abandoned when I was away.

    I was filled with so much pride that I had no room for humility, within the three years apart I thought I had moved on and been in and out of failed affairs. I have learned, and since the beginning of the year 2017 I remained single because I wanted to find and fix myself, and be certain of what I needed out of life. During the distant and the process of self-intervention/discovery I completely cut out the little contact I managed to get with them in January, after months of silence and ignorance finding out she has moved on and doing quite well for herself, I desperately want them back and feel she is the one for me, and I have a family in them, I have done all the above mentioned deadly mistakes; “CALLING AND TEXTING HER ALL THE TIME, SHOWERING HER WITH AFFECTION, FREAKING OUT WHEN DATING OR GOING OUT” to get them back and even went to her home unannounced to speak to her and try to amend things, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get them back, after going there she told me she tried to make things work and still cared about me before but eventually felt like I couldn't see how she felt, I was dumb-blinded before, I made forceful attempt to talk to her and she told me that “she has forgiven me but doesn’t want any relation with me, I should stop pestering, or trying to convince her otherwise, my chances with her are done, and if I want to restore the peace that is left in her for me, I will leave her alone and never come to her place again, me and her are done, I cannot force myself in her life and cannot force her into something she doesn’t want “We done”.

    I am obsessed with her and cannot stop thinking about her or texting her daily, I am even failing managing to eat the way I want them back, I have learned from my previous mistakes, suffered damages, I feel broken beyond repair, but became a better person from it all because of the struggles I have been through, I am ashamed of what I have done and has accepted what I caused, but I am a new version of me and want a new start and to spend my life with them, I love and I miss them very much, and would do anything to get her back

    Please help me, what can or should I do to win her love back?

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Webster,

      I am sorry that you are going through this pain. The first thing you need to do is back off for a while. If she is dating someone else, you need to respect her new relationship and don't do anything that threatens it.

      I think your best bet is to do no contact again for a month and send her an elephant in the room text. Apologize for the way you acted (by showing up at her house), thank her for forgiving you for the past and tell her that you will love to have her in your life, even if it is as a friend because she means a lot to you. After that, don't contact her for another couple of weeks. Text her again and slowly take it from there.

      Reply
    • Brent

      It has been almost 2 years and she seems farther away and ever. I have a hard time following the rules I did the 30 day no contact and all I got was I love you and I Miss you but you need 2 understand that I am trying to protect you. Having a hard time letting go of someone I love very much and thought that we could be together forever. Understand I'm not blaming her. Just a dumb guy didn't realize what he had and pushed her away my heart is still for that. Pretty sure I have lost all chances or her return

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that sense, for whatever reasons it would seem like she does not want to get back together with you for fear of hurting you. Your chances are never 0 but it would be wiser in this situation to start moving on since it has been 2 years. We all make mistakes in life and it's better to focus on picking yourself up rather than spend the time in guilt and regret.

      Reply

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