Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances. And if you are not prepared, you will screw it up.

So how do you NOT SCREW UP this time?

If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to take this as a mission. Almost like a video game. If asking her to get back together is the final fight in this game, you need to level up and win a lot of mini fights before doing that.

I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.

My name is Kevin, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for almost 7 years now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex girlfriends back.

This article is everything I wish I had access to when I had my first breakup and wanted to get my ex girlfriend back.

When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and all I could think was how to win her back.

When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.

When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise.

If only I knew back then what I know now. I hope no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup. This is why I’ve made this article FREE for everyone to peruse.

But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.

This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.

What is this Article?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.

Why?

If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.

In fact, if you are reading this article, there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible.

What’s the catch?

Like I said before, you only get a handful of chances at this. So if you are not careful, you might screw this up. Moreover, following this guide is NOT EASY. Above all, it will need 3 things from you.

  1. Patience
  2. Determination
  3. Honesty or Vulnerability (With Yourself, Your ex and me if we ever communicate)

Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy. But if your ex girlfriend is worth it, I am sure you won’t care how much patience, determination or honesty it takes to get her back.

(Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is NOT for you if you are looking for tricks or manipulation to get her back.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief

Objectives:

  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love, you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking, it doesn’t think logically.

Instead, it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic, it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your ex girlfriend, someone you loved dearly, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section, these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think that breaking up with you was the best decision she ever made.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember, here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial

Example:

“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and You Will Do Everything for Her

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her.

(Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it’s not quite the same after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.

She doesn’t want you do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because you will be even more miserable when you are back together.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining

Example:

“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”

Or

“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger

Example:

“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”

Or

“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend, do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this article.

Actionable Steps to Take (Moderately Important)

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage, it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.

Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact, it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get your ex girlfriend back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take (Important)

  • Decide how long you need to do no contact
  • Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends, good friends you can trust, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though there’s a slight chance you will be successful in getting her back, you will most likely fail in keeping her.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide, there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons

Objectives:

  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend, do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category, there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her, you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life, you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you, then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed, you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once, there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case, you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together, it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her forever.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take (Mildly Important)

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive (Mildly Important)

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.

 

Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple, the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently, it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you, you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort. (Recommended Reading: How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You Without Looking Like a Fool)

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You (Not Important)

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her, is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance

Objectives:

  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

 

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.

 

2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend

Objectives:

  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand and Attract your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

 

Actionable Objectives to aim for (Important)

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.

 

Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person, you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For (Important)

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for some time..

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.

Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself, she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return, do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back

Objectives:

  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend  as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives (Important)

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

 

3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Go on a date with your New Girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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  • Tim

    Hi there, I've made a comment before but quite a bit of time has passed since then and I need some different advice, based on a different situation. However, I'll give the necessary context again so it makes sense. We are both 18 years old and this was both our first relationship.
    Me and my ex got talking during spring and got together during the summer and we were with each other for a few months. Which admittedly is not a very long time but I feel that the connection was so strong that I believe it's a relationship worth fighting for. We're both going different universities so this would be a LDR. 2 weeks into her University experience, she decided it wasn't working for her and that 'for now' (her words, not mine) we shouldn't be together. I believe we both had equal part to play in the downfall of the relationship but I think she lost her attraction to me as I think I could have come across as insecure and needy. She also couldn't handle not being able to physically see me often. The day after we split, I decided to send her a message saying that we shouldn't speak for at least a couple weeks. 3 weeks later, she rang me up saying how she missed me etc. We spoke about the phone call a week later but she was hesitant to talk about it. A couple weeks later I engaged contact again and we spoke briefly. Contact has been on/off since then with her sometimes even blanking my messages. Just last week I spoke to her over the phone, asking her what she wanted. She said she wanted to be friends, but not close friends. Which is not what I really want. We've texted a couple times since then and I can sense that connection building up again but I still feel like she's resisting slightly, but not nearly as much as a month or so ago. Do you think I still have a chance to get her back? We both come back home for Christmas soon so I feel like this is make or break. Any tips on what actions I should take from here on out?

    Reply
  • Adam

    After NC sent EitR. She responded well. Three days later she told me she missed me and wanted me back. Dumped rebound and said she told him she missed me and he freaked out and acted crazy. She rushed me into relationship but I stayed cool. Told her she needed to work on a lot. Everything was fine and she was very very well receptive, admitted he was rebound and that she missed me whole time I was away and wanted to wait until i get back in town (two months), until rebound asked to come get clothes next day. She talked to me before and said she was worried but cared about me. He came over and she texted me and said she decided she acted too quickly and shouldn't have dumped him. I think she was just overcome with emotions. What should I do? Go back into NC and recontact in a few weeks? What are your thoughts? She seems aware I am best option and loves me the most but also seems to care for rebound. Their relationship was damaged beforehand let alone all this, should I wait for them to sever completely?

    Reply
  • Charles Thompson

    I'm following the steps religiously and we are talking normal and she cooked me dinner tonight and she is helping me clean my house on Sunday.

    I usec touch several times this evening and made laugh out loud several times. It was great. We had a long tumultuous relationship for about eight years leaving and getting back together a several times. She has said she has finally decided that we need to be done.

    Tonight I mentioned something about going to an event in Dallas and she said don't start getting wierd again. I came on pretty hard about getting back together about a month ago before I read your blog.

    I just wonder if I just keep things upbeat and work on building intimacy if she will fall in love with me again.

    I am trying to be very careful so she won't throw her defenses back up.

    I just wonder how long I should wait to see if she comes back around.

    Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hi Charles. Good to hear this. You need to be consistent and not be afraid of her. You should also be patient with her. When she said don't start getting weird, you should have addressed the issue and spoke to her about your intentions and showed her that you are not needy. Something like, "I am not being weird. I promise I won't pressure you into getting back together. I just think it will be fun to go to the event and we will have a good time. If you are not comfortable, I understand. I just want you to know that there is no pressure on you and I am just living in the moment."

      Don't be afraid of serious conversations.

      Reply
  • Tim

    Hi there, I've made a comment before but quite a bit of time has passed since then and I need some different advice, based on a different situation. However, I'll give the necessary context again so it makes sense. We are both 18 years old and this was both our first relationship.
    Me and my ex got talking during spring and got together during the summer and we were with each other for a few months. Which admittedly is not a very long time but I feel that the connection was so strong that I believe it's a relationship worth fighting for. We're both going different universities so this would be a LDR. 2 weeks into her University experience, she decided it wasn't working for her and that 'for now' (her words, not mine) we shouldn't be together. I believe we both had equal part to play in the downfall of the relationship but I think she lost her attraction to me as I think I could have come across as insecure and needy. She also couldn't handle not being able to physically see me often. The day after we split, I decided to send her a message saying that we shouldn't speak for at least a couple weeks. 3 weeks later, she rang me up saying how she missed me etc. We spoke about the phone call a week later but she was hesitant to talk about it. A couple weeks later I engaged contact again and we spoke briefly. Contact has been on/off since then with her sometimes even blanking my messages. Just last week I spoke to her over the phone, asking her what she wanted. She said she wanted to be friends, but not close friends. Which is not what I really want. We've texted a couple times since then and I can sense that connection building up again but I still feel like she's resisting slightly, but not nearly as much as a month or so ago. Do you think I still have a chance to get her back? We both come back home for Christmas soon so I feel like this is make or break. Any tips on what actions I should take from here on out?

    Reply
  • Nithin

    Heyy I was just wondering, when you say you've gotten closer to her such that she trusts you. Is there a substitute for asking her on a date?? Well you see it's cause we both used to have a long distance relationship. We broke up because of other reasons. Well when so I was wondering if I could do something other than ask her on the first date.

    Reply
  • Kayn

    yesterday my ex reply to my story in instagram again it was throwback about our workplace in the summer and yeah it was small conversation about how we miss the work etc. I want to ask should i ask her to go out and how to do it or she just do this to keep friendly feelings

    Reply
  • Adam

    Last week my ex contacted my friend yo tell him how much she missed me and if she should text me. He said yes but she didn't end up texting me. She's in a rebound and it seems alright but she has put on her IG that it isn't great and its struggling. That was last week and she started posting on her snap story her and him together. She also hasn't contacted me besides adding me on Snapchat when she said she missed me. Does she not miss me anymore? What could have happened? Im half way through NC.

    Reply
  • Chris

    Hey. So after 30 days of NC I texted my ex and she responded favorably and I left it on a light note as described. However, she also just snapchatted me for the first time since breakup. Do I ignore that/not respond for 5 days as well as not texting her? Because we were really good friends before we dated and we have several mutual friends now, so it may seem rude if I respond to others and completely ignore her for 5 days... Any advice? For reference, we dated for 8 months before breaking up and are both college students.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reply since she initiated contact but keep it casual and not extend the conversation any longer than necessary at this point because you want to slowly build the relationship back up, and not just dive right in again.

      Reply
  • Kayn

    My girl broke up with me a year ago.But we worked in same place in the summer for 2 months. I dont talk to her during that period.At the end of the summer we started to talk to each other again and i apolgise her for this period of no talking.She still like my photos on instagram and sometimes answer my stories but thats all only friendly stuff.I really want to meet her again but im not sure did she want to meet me.Please give me some advice

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You can follow the guidelines in our article to start trying to increase the level of communication so that she is more used to communicating with you again, and subsequently rebuild attraction from there.

      Reply
    • Kayn

      yesterday she reply to my story in instagram again it was throwback about our workplace in the summer and yeah it was small conversation about how we miss the work etc. I want to ask should i ask her to go out and how to do it or she just do this to keep friendly feelings

      Reply
  • Nithin

    Umm I have a question, while in the process of getting back with her by talking to her frequently how do I get her to talk about what went wrong in our relationship??

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Wait until both parties are more comfortable with each other first, and wait until you've at least met her (since ending no contact) before you consider bringing this topic up. Otherwise, it would be a good idea to probably wait for her to bring it up first since that would indicate the time she is ready to talk about it.

      Reply
  • Brad

    Hey it's been about a week since me and my ex have spoken but she has been talking to our mutual friend and she said said to him that she was thinking about inviting both of us to an art museum because she doesn't wanna go alone and she kinda wants me to come. I'm confused if I should go now that I'm in a better place orrr politely decline

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on your goal and whether your intention is to win her back or not. If it is, I think that it may be a good idea to go since her actions indicate that she still has feelings for you and this could help you to win her back.

      Reply
  • Adam

    Today on day 17 of NC my ex reached out to my friend saying she missed me terribly and thought of me constantly and asked what she should do. He naturally told me and I told him to tell her to take it up with me. What should I do/say? We broke up because of distance that won't be resolved for a while and I haven't finished NC. Should I tell her I need more time to heal or try to fix things? I believe I am somewhere near the acceptance stage but have not fully transitioned yet.

    Reply
  • Gavin

    My girlfriend and I are having a long distance relationship. We have been together for two years, until now things went out of order all of a sudden. She said she's kinda lost interest in me. I have become too complacent with our relationship that I really did not expected that, and yes, I feel miserable, make her feels like I'm needy and everything. I made the mistakes mentioned above. Now, I'm determined to work things back and be a better version of me. Although she still wants to give us a chance, but with things like now I don't think it'll work, so I guess I'll have to do like your tips too. Hopefully we can get back together, because somehow I think we both still care for each other. Thanks for the article, it really helps! Time to pick myself back up.

    Reply
  • Jackson

    Ok so my ex and I have been talking every day for a while. Last time we talked we were in a group and she started talking about how much she wanted a boyfriend even though we broke up because she said she wasn't ready for a boyfriend. To avoid freaking out I decided that I needed to take a little break. It has been 2 days since we talked and her best friend texted me and told me that my ex was really upset and that she was crying that I wasn't talking to her. I was planning on texting her and asking what's wrong and if she tells me whats wrong tell her that we should discuss this in person. Is there a better course of action than what I have decided to do? Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As the breakup was relatively recent, I would suggest giving her a bit more space before you reach out since her feeling overly emotional right now is normal due to the recent split, but it does not mean that she really wants to get back or have a relationship yet.

      Reply
  • Kevin

    Need a member to privately email me... I'm going on three years from breakup, was long distance with a bunch of other complications... I'm now moving back how to establish communication

    Reply
  • Chris

    We broke up about a month and a half ago and I miss her every day. Apparently their were a lot of reasons why she dumped me. I did all the wrong things with my grief stage and now I think she sees me as a monster. I haven't contacted her in two weeks and every day I think about asking for her back. We we're together for two and half years and I reminder her every other day that I was going to marry her. I'm trying to improve myself but I don't know what will happen if/when she contacts me. Reading this article helps understand a better way to cope and a lot of things I did wrong. Thank you very much for this

    Reply
  • Craig cook

    I don't see my comments do you get a email once they have came through ? I write a big long story don't want to write it all again lol

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If your comment has not appeared, that means it was not approved under our commenting guidelines. It would be better if you have a long story and need input to create a thread in our forums instead where our active community members would gladly provide assistance.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hey, my girlfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and she had said to me she doesn't want to give us another try, she really loved me and I know it must have been a hard decision but if she said she won't give me another chance, is that a sign that everything is over or I can still change myself and win her back one day?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      How she feels now may not be an accurate portrayal of her feelings overall since she is probably emotionally caught up at this point. Give her some time to cool off and go into no contact for now before you try reaching out again.

      Reply
  • PH

    Dated a girl for 2 1/2 years. Most of it long distance, but we did live together for about 11 months of that time. We had some issues and she went home. She cut me off for about 4/5 weeks and we reconnected after i sent her a letter with some belongings. We saw each other once a month and i thought we were on track. "I like the trajectory we're on" her words. Then after spending a great weekend in NYC, she became more distant. Till finally she pulled the plug on me. Telling me to "not wait for her","i have to work on myself", "i may feel differently in time". I reacted like shit , blew up her phone, texts ( one with some negative words)and a sad ass e-mail. Trying the NC, but its hard. Not sure how to proceed. Miss her bad.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may feel uncertain about her emotions at this point or even met someone new and wants to explore her feelings for the other person. I suggest applying NC for now no matter how hard it may be to give her some space after the recent events.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Me and my ex were together for about 5 months, but we worked together for 10 years prior. The breakup was about a week ago and i was definitely needy in the first few days. I have since put the NC rule into affect. The problem is we work together and i see her often. How can i continue the no contact rule to even be able to get to the elephant in the room email?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No contact can still be applied even if you have to see her regularly for work. Keep the interactions with her to a minimum, strictly professional level and avoid discussing personal topics during the period of NC.

      Reply
  • Ammar Khan

    Dear Team,
    Me and my ex girlfriend have dated for almost two years. About 1 week ago she broke up with me because of how often we would fight. I tried to get her back and texted her and called her obnoxiously for 2 days and then stopped. It's been 3 days into NC and I was thinking of messaging her in 5 days asking her about a receipe and complementing her. I was wondering if then would be a good time to ask her if she still wants to catch up on the movie she wanted to see with me before I started spamming her with calls. She did say afterwards that she wasn't sure anymore if she wants to go or not. Should I bring up the movie to her or not because I still have the tickets that I purchased a week ago.
    Thank you so much for everything Team.
    Regards
    Ammar

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      5 days is way too soon to be contacting her again especially after what happened and you should not let the tickets be an excuse to reach out either. Follow the guidelines on no contact and reach out only after enough time has passed.

      Reply
  • Chris

    My girlfriend broke up with me after I got drunk and said she deseved someone like her ex boyfriend who was a genuinely bad guy, I know what I said was out of anger and since then she has blocked all contact with me on social media of all types except basic calling and texting am I done for?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space for now and go into no contact first before reaching out again through text. Follow the steps in our articles and you should be fine.

      Reply
  • Jack

    I'm now starting the no contact period but am a little worried. It's going to be my ex's birthday just over two weeks in, and she's having a party that I'm invited to. Is ignoring her on her birthday a good or a bad idea? We're on speaking terms as I write but as I said I'm about to initiate no contact. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could drop her a text a couple of days before her birthday telling her that something cropped up and you'd be unable to make it to the party. It's not really breaking contact as long as you don't go into personal topics or prolong the conversation any more than you have to.

      Reply
  • Sean

    Hi I need some immediate advice, 3 year relationship about to be lost. I already botched this a little, this article hits the nail on the head.
    There's some messages I wish to share with a team member through email.
    PLEASE Help me save the love.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      We offer personal email coaching with either me or Kevin should you require extra assistance. More information can be found through this link.

      Reply
  • ellison

    My girlfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me a week ago. Her reason was that she had grown tired of being in a relationship that she doubted could ever work. i recently realized that it was because after we had gone out the in love phenomena, i neglected her, didn't speak her love language and i was not growing into the Godly partner she had been urging me to be. i focused my time on making money and trying to secure a better future for us. I have not contact her since our break up, and am willing to give her the 30 day cold turkey. I am planning to send her a bouqet of her favorite flowers and chocolate and a handwritten letter stating how i have come to terms with our relationship, and where i think we had gone wrong(even though deep down i am going to go through these steps and get her back in Jesus' name!). Is this a good idea?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That would depend on whether this comes before or after no contact. If it's before you go into no contact, then that's fine, but I would suggest doing away with such a big gesture and perhaps just send the letter if you intend to do this after no contact.

      Reply
  • Andrew Holmes

    My Girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. Lately, I have been going through a lot of stuff and taking my anger out on her. I would find fault in everything and it was hard for us to go a few weeks without arguing. We decided it would be best to break up. I still want her and I want to do better. I drove over her house and she told me she has been talking to her ex-boyfriend. I expressed to her that I believe we still have a future and after sitting in my car for 3+ hours she gave me this long hug and we kissed. I don't want to rush back into things and I want to take time to grow as a mature man to show her that I can change. This is my first relationship. I'm trying to make myself understand that she is just rebounding. She doesn't have me blocked on anything and I can call her and she will pick right up. How long of no contact is recommended before I try to ease back into things?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      A month sounds like a good time to remain in no contact before you reach out since things had ended amicably.

      Reply
  • Corey V

    Really great advice. All the best.

    Reply
  • Travis

    So my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday over some rude comments I said about her best friend over the weekend. I left her a hand written letter on her doorstep basically explaining myself and asking her if should would talk to me. She didn’t want to talk to me yesterday but she texted me and said that we could talk. Should I talk to her or just leave her alone? Oh also I just found this article today

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she has already agreed to talk and you were the one who suggested it, I think you should follow through on your word and try to work things out.

      Reply
  • Alex

    I will not go into all the details but I have been with her for 5 years we have 2 kids under 3 we live in the same house, we have been broken up now for 5 months. Is my window of opportunity gone, and how can I do no contact when we live together and have kids together and have to communicate for their needs?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think that there's still a chance, considering that you share a family with this person, making it harder for either parties to simply walk away. As far as no contact goes, you're going to have to draw boundaries around the house if you want to implement it, and only communicate with your ex if it's matters relating to the kid. Otherwise, you should spend the time working on yourself and improving aspects of your life (especially the parts that caused the issues in the relationship). You should still consider temporarily moving out in order to properly implement no contact though because it would make a more significant impact for the both of you.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    So I'm right here at the moment but it looks like I have done so many things wrong already. We broke up about a year and a half ago over something that I would say was silly. He also said he was not ready for a serious relationship having lost his wife to cancer two years prior. I accepted gratefully even though I was hurt. Ocassionally, he would involve me in things concerning the children cos they were quite close to me. I stopped responding to his once in a while calls after sometime , fast forward a year later and he contacts me out of the blues and we got back to being friendly but not in a romantic way. I sort of still lean back and mostly mirror his action or interest in me. The kids told me that he is seeing someone but the last time he went out of town , he had me check up on his son and a few months ago, when my car needed serious repairs, he paid for everything but has never suggested that we get back together.I would really love to get back with him. What are my chances and what do I have to do. Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you're still a part of his life right now, perhaps use that opportunity and those interactions to build upon attraction by showing him the side of you that made him fall for you the first time without any of the negative aspects (neediness, pressure, etc).

      Reply
  • Alex

    Hi Team,

    So my gf of more than 2 years broke up with me and as mentioned in your content, it went through all the begging, trying to win her back phases etc. SO i decided to do NC and during NC she tried to contact me 1-2 times and I was quite cool and to the point in my responses.
    At the end of NC of 30 days I contacted her. We talked casually but suddenly out of the blue she said "she knows she wont be back with me" and appreciates whatever good things I have done for her. To this, I responded her by saying that we should not think about getting back or not getting back and have a normal conversation.
    During the NC period I worked on myself a lot and feel good about myself (physically and mentally) but I still think trying getting back with her is worth the try. But her response kind of downed my spirits.I am trying to increase contact frequency very very slowly. What should I do to win her back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue to do what you've been planning to, and don't feel too disheartened by her words. It could simply be a viewpoint right now based on her previous perspective and hasn't fully seen the changes in you or been close enough to you to begin feeling the attraction level building up yet. Focus on creating positive memories through your current interactions with her and get closer to her emotionally, without any expectations or pressure to reconcile. Also remain patient and keep your mind on the end goal because the road ahead definitely won't be a smooth journey, but it's up to you to take control of the steering wheel each time it goes over a bump rather than letting the car spiral out of control.

      Reply
    • Alex

      Thanks. You're really doing a great job here helping people. Keep it up!
      I hope to achieve my objective soon. Wish me Luck!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Good luck Alex. Remember that patience and confidence are key in successfully winning your ex back.

      Reply
  • Tre

    Me and my finance have been together 6 years! We have 2 children together and we still live together. I’ve cheated multiple times on Snapchat receiving pics. I took everything for granted and now she says she doesn’t want to be with me. We still talk and have sex, still kiss but she has these random moments and her mood will change and we’ll fight and argue. She says we’ll never be back together and the connection is lost and she doesn’t trust me anymore and doesn’t know if she ever will. There’s moments where we’re happy and laughing, going out and doing things but randomly will realize it’s embarrassing and will tell me she can’t do it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest giving her time and remaining patient about her confusion towards how she feels towards you. What you did definitely hurt her and she doesn't trust you right now. You're going to have to work on this aspect and regain her trust bit by bit, which takes time. Don't get impatient with the progress and start getting into fights because this would definitely cause her to lean towards leaving for good.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest giving her time and remaining patient about her confusion towards how she feels towards you. What you did definitely hurt her and she doesn't trust you right now. You're going to have to work on this aspect and regain her trust bit by bit, which takes time. Don't get impatient with the progress and start getting into fights because this would definitely cause her to lean towards leaving for good.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    I have tried contacting my ex through a letter and email, but I feel as if I screwed both of those up. I was thinking of trying once more but am unsure if I should do so? I want to formulate my email and stuff better but idk.

    Reply
  • Johny

    hi Kevin,
    I did my NC diligently and contacted my ex after a month. She is talking normally and responding positively now and even laughed when we talked. But she suddenly said something like, even she knows we won't be back together she still cherishes things i did for her.
    She hasn't seem to even slightly shifted her opinion and is still stonewalling the idea getting back together (Although I didn't even mention getting back at all!). What should be mt next step?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could simply be her defenses because she thinks that you have ulterior motives and it is still too soon. I suggest simply continuing to maintain this connection with her and build attraction upon it, but without any pressure of reconciliation for now. Simply continue to provide good memories that would eventually begin to replace the old ones and she starts to open up to the idea again of getting back together.

      Reply
  • Y

    I was with this girl for over two years. She really loved me and cared about me. I couldn’t accept that she loved me so I pushed her away. I realize where I was wrong and she told me she’ll never want to try again to date. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space and spend this time focusing on addressing these issues you face so that when you reach out as a changed person in the future, the significant improvements you've made would be enough reason for her to reconsider the idea of being with you, and possibly open up to you again once more.

      Reply
  • Berat

    Hi, so me and my girlfriend were together for 13 months and just last week we decided to breakup, we keep talking on a daily basis but just a little bit and it’s not really in a lovable way, well some days it is and some days she acts like i’m a nobody. She told me just yesterday she started talking to someone else, she told me before she still loves me etc, but now she’s talking to someone else, is that the rebound relationship? And what do i do now? I’m kind of relieved thinkinf that that is the rebound but also kindof heartbroken, what do i do from here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's most likely a rebound relationship, but you can't be certain until the relationship starts to develop and clearer signs emerge. Right now, since communication between her is not consistent and doesn't seem to have much positive emotions, I suggest going into no contact first to give both parties some breathing room to let go of recent events.

      Reply
  • Matthew

    I posted earlier about my situation with my ex girlfriend about the events leading up to the break up.
    I know my ex loved me and misses me. the break up itself was messy, and here reasons were that she wanted to learn to love herself before trying to love some one else and that the next person she is with she will settle down with. she's moving like 30-45 min away in the next month its not that far but still. and she's been stressed about her future in terms of her career. her family pressured her a lot.

    I left(the day we broke up) agreeing with her that it was over and that she needed to get her life in order. I have begun the no contact. its been since OCT 5th.
    I have zero confidence, and I keep thinking about it. of course I want her back but I don't see a way to fix this in time before she moves. it scares me that I messed everything up right before she moved.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's nothing wrong with her wanting to find herself and its something you should encourage, even if it means taking a break from the relationship. You shouldn't be in a rush to fix things before she moves because this would end up placing unrealistic expectations of the situation and only cause you to act out of desperation and fear that you'd lose her forever. I suggest actually taking this time to also find yourself and to work on aspects that you felt you needed to grow in - aka self-confidence. Do things for yourself, and use this opportunity to come back as an improved person, even if it means having to win her back through LDR (which technically isn't so bad since its only 30-45 mins away).

      Reply
  • Rob

    Me and my girl had a perfect relationship up until I started being obsessive and insecure. I got the good ol' "my feelings for you have changed. You did nothing wrong" I'm putting my faith in these tips because she is 100% worth it. Wish me luck

    Reply
  • Kenny

    Great Article.

    I'm trying to get a feel for the NC times. Aside from the internal changes that have to be made... is there a good guideline? My GF and I dated for 4.5 years, and I got dumped out of the blue and pretty hard. (IE, she was very adamant and clear about never getting back together under any circumstances during the 2-3 weeks I was bargaining with her afterwards).

    I have a good handle on the issues that caused the breakup and have resolved them but I don't know when to schedule the recontact. I was thinking to go for about 3 months (It's been about a month since the breakup currently, however only 2 weeks of NC) because she was so adamant and she has, in general, an extremely determined and prideful personality and I think she's enjoying the mental frame of being single for a while. I know that's on the long side so I'm wondering if my gut instinct is correct here of if I should move faster before other guys come in the picture (she's extremely attractive). Thanks!

    PS-- the handwritten letter, although I get the appeal, seems a little try-hard and desperate. Maybe text is better?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If these are your gut instincts about her at this point, it would best to go along with them and give her a longer time before reaching out. 3 months seems like a good time frame supposing that she is currently enjoying her single life and is prideful in nature. You could always reach out after one month or so but to take things extremely slow and build up attraction again but without expectations or pressuring her to reconcile, and yes, if a letter seems unnatural, a text would be better.

      Reply
  • Dylan Sizemore

    I made the mistake of thinking I could keep my ex at arms length until I was ready to fully settle down.. when i realized what i was doing I started trying to overcorrect and became needy/desperate. She started seeing a new guy (complete opposite of me) about a week before she ended things with me. I acted stupid that night, played it cool but replied to 2 nothing special texts when she tried texting then I thought I could hit her with a joke. Was supposed to meet her and I found her in town by accident with that guy. I feel like the fact that she was still gonna see me, got with my opposite, and had sent the other messages makes me think i still have a chance. I didnt play it so cool though and pulled up to them to say something. She apolagized after for lying. I just hope I didnt screw my chances and put her even more into the new guys arms. Does all hope seem lost or will this strategy still work?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space for now to at least let go of the incident where you confronted her and go into no contact. It's likely that the new guy is a rebound so you simply have to let their relationship run their course unless she still has romantic feelings for you.

      Reply
  • Emma

    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago. He said he didn't wanted to see me, blocked me on social media and also blocked my phone number. We have not spoken since then ( it was 4 months of no contact). I had a very hard time but I finally got over him. We go to the same university and several days ago I met him accidentally. It was our first meeting after the breakup. I ignored him and acted like I didn't even see him. After that, I was in a lecture while he looked through the little window on the door and smiled at me. Instinctively I smiled back but then I blushed and ducked my head because I couldn't resist the pressure. That was our first contact since the breakup and I'm very confused, wondering why did he do that. Can you please help me because I'm overthinking about it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There could be a chance where he misses you or simply wants to remain friends. Why not continue to observe his actions and perhaps even consider reaching out to catch up.

      Reply
    • Emma

      At first, I thought that I mistook someone for him. So I decided to email and ask him if he was that guy. We had a very short chat but in the end, he saw my last message and didn't reply. (It wasn't a question or something but still, he did not answer). Two or three days after I saw something that reminded me of our funny situation in the past and decided to send it to him. I guess I shouldn't have done it because there was still no reply. I got really angry and regretted my action. (also, when we bump into each other sometimes he looks at me and ignores me but sometimes he says hi.) I'm not going to reach out to him any more because he acts weird and due to these mixed signals, I don't think he misses me at all. Part of me wants him back and I definitely miss him but I don't want my mind to be played with his games. I still think too much about our situation, he broke up with me very badly and showing up like this is just so selfish action. What can you tell me about this?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      His actions right now could easily be due to the conflicting emotions he faces between not wanting to talk to you and old habits from the relationship. It could have simply even been politeness and to not seem rude by ignoring you completely. I suggest not reaching out any further as you've mentioned and simply focus on yourself instead for the time being.

      Reply
  • Ethan Decker

    hi there, so me and my ex have dated for 6 months. and she just broke up with me because she thinks i cheated. i had asked my other ex who i dated 2 years ago to go to lunch with me and catch up (we never went, i canceled) and i had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend so there was no intent. but she is really hurt, and we just started the no talking stage. i did every bad thing and begged her back and constantly texted her. and i really need help on knowing what to do, i’m trying to be okay with this but it’s really hard because i’ve changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship and it hurts that she can’t see i’m better. so what do i do to show her i’m better and won’t hurt her again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It doesn't matter that you've changed over the course of the last 6 months, but the fact that you were talking to your ex still hurt her, and this is why she broke up with you. I suggest giving her some space for now to cool off and avoid any begging or actions that might push her away. Follow the guidelines in this article on what you should do next.

      Reply
  • Kim

    Hello mmmm well my girlfriend broke up with me bc of stupid reasons and Ok that she love me and I love her more in return but the problem is that she is a very complicated person. We are talking and having connection and all and she said that she want me as her friend but she is not acting as a friend she is so weird she still trying to control and know every detail but she never speak about our past relation she is just werid I'm lost I can't understand her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could simply be old habits being hard to change where although she has initiated breaking up, is still unable to let go of control over you. Remember that just as she has no obligation to you right now because you guys have broken up, neither do you until you guys work things out. I suggest telling her respectfully that at times it isn't her business to force information out or control your life anymore.

      Reply
  • Tom

    Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me last week. We have been together for almost four years and to me it came a bit as a surprise. It is true we had a really hard year, she was away for the first half, then had a difficult living and working environment, and after that she went on a holiday for 12 weeks. I trust her and I think she did not fall in love or so on the trip. The thing now is she came back last week and told me to break up, even though it was not a clear 'I want to break up', we more or less where in a one day long discussion about trying it now that we have time or breaking up... But in the end she told me not to be to hopeful. Then a friend got me out and forced me into no contact. I kinda accept it by now, at least mentally, but we live in the same building and so we will talk again this week to 'finish' the conversation (I guess), even though it is clear to me what will happen. The thing is I am afraid of getting into a deeper conversation again, should I then apologize for the mistakes I made? Or if she asks for my approval for the breakup what should I say...
    I still love her and after all what we have gone through, breaking up after all this just feels wrong, I have the feeling we need to get to know eachother again.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be true that getting to know each other all over again would help build upon the relationship, but you can't do it while still attached. Most people lose that aspect once in the relationship and take many things for granted. The best way to get to know someone again or win her back this time is to let it fall apart in order to rebuild it from the ground up. I suggest that if she feels breaking up is the best outcome to follow, you should respect it and give each other some space before reaching out to try starting over.

      Reply
  • David

    I need advice bad here. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for about two and half years this summer when I moved across the country to take what I thought was a job opportunities through connections that ended up being fruitless. She begged me not to go and to live with her a year but I was too worried about continuing to be depressed with my career which was affecting my relationship with her. Basically I let that stuff cloud my judgment and after about two months I regretted it and decided to come back to be with her and now she’s saying she doesn’t want to give me another chance. We’ve had some ups and downs in our past with breakups but we always got through it and I know we can get through this too. She’s asked for space and I was able to give that at times for a few days or weeks on end but always ended up going over the top and being needy/desperate. It’s been about two weeks since I told her I was coming back and when she told me she was wanting a “fresh start”. I’ve started writing her a letter in place of the elephant in the room text, with a lot of the things I’ve wanted to say over the last few months. I make sure to emphasize that I will continue to give her space and will accept her decision either way. I’m thinking about delivering this letter along with two small but meaningful gifts I got her when I was away. She’s a big gift and gesture person so the letter writing and gifts has worked in the pat with getting her back. My plan was drop those off at her doorstep when she’s gone and then continue to do no contact for another month or so. Does that sound like a decent plan?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds fine, but perhaps it might be better to consider giving these things to her after no contact instead. If these gestures would indeed help to warm her up a little, you going into no contact right after would defeat the purpose and by the time you reach out, the impact of this gesture would have been lost.

      Reply
  • Teodor

    I have a question about no contact phase: we go to the same gym, so we workout like 4 days a week, how do I perform the “no contact” phase? Do I simply ignore her and listen to music in my headphones? Or do I play it cool and only talk about the workout? (If it happens to talk)

    Details about the relationship:
    • She just broke up with me because we were fighting quite a lot, we both agreed we had our part in the fights. She gave me the reason, I continued the fight.
    • we were together for 8 months, and before that we were like best friend for 6 months
    • she doesn’t wanna fight anymore because she is tired of the them
    • this is the only thing that pushed her away from me, the fights, there’s nothing else bad that happened between us

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be better to avoid contact altogether but if it isn't possible, you can still acknowledge her and say hi but avoid making further small talk during this period of no contact.

      Reply
  • Saurabh

    Hi, we are in long distance relationship,
    me and my gf were together for 1 and half year and we broke up last year in november, after that she was in a rebound relationahip for couple of months after 3 months ago she approched me again after lefting that new guy, we were together again for 2-3 months and last month when she needed me i wasnt there for her and we had a fight later and i said i want to end our relation and she agreed to it after that i tried everything to get her back right after couple of days but she doesnt seems to be interestd in picking my calls or text messages, my insecurity and her outgoing nature always resuled in my anger for her, last week we meet up first she said she dont want to be with me again but later she said she need a break for a month and she will be in talking terms with me, though she is not seems to be really interestd ,she doesnt call kr text and if i text her replies are seems to be not interested. I lover and i lose her for 2nd time but i want ti change myself and want to be with her again. I also feel scared that she might choose to be with someone else again. What do you think about this?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since she agreed to talk to you again after a month, use this time to go into no contact and focus on addressing the issues that caused the relationship to fail while working on self-improvements. You can't be too affected by her actions or choices, because ultimately if you want to win her back, you'll have to remain calm no matter what situation, avoid unnecessary expectations, and never overstep your boundaries by coming across as desperate or needy.

      Reply
  • MS

    Hello, my girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for a year. I could not control my self and texted her constantly for two weeks. I even waited for her outside her office, but she just walked away. After a week she did talk to me and told me that we will never ever be together. I need to move on and stop doing this. After that i did no contact for 3 weeks. Tried to talk to her over Viber. I apologized for the things i did after we broke up and asked her if she would like be friends again. She just said no she doesn't want to talk to me right now and may be for a long while. I don't know what to do from here.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space for now, and spend this time focusing on yourself instead. Follow our 5-step plan to do this, and give yourself a clearer idea of how to proceed and win her back.

      Reply
  • Henry

    I’m in a very different situation because as soon as I wanted to implement the no contact phase that’s when me and my ex-girlfriend started speaking again. She has said how happy she is with the level of communication I am displaying. One of the things she noted about our break up is that she would like to see more consistent efforts to show that I care. No contact would be a detriment to that surely. I know that her response will be: “See I knew that you could not keep it going” it will just validate why I lost her in the first place. She post on Snapchat that she is single but still wants me to text her all lovey dovey. We live in two different states so she was supposed to come this weekend but seems on the fence because she was 100% in on Monday but now flaky this Tuesday, Wednesday. I need urgent help. She doesn’t seem like she is interested in getting back together so I’m getting mixed signals. Her snaps seem like direct shots at me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In that case, no contact may not be the best idea. Instead show her you’re capable of change and consistency, and use that angle to win her back.

      Reply
  • Cody

    Hey everyone, I could really use some help. My girlfriend and I have dated 3 and a half years and just recently decided to end things. She said she just feels different and that she stands in the way of my goals. I understand that I need to give her about a month before I contact her again, but the problem currently is that we live together. So my question is, does no contact start officially after she moves out? Halloween is in a month, would it be appropriate for the first text to be Halloween related? Thanks in advance for the help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be better if she moved out for the time being, if there’s an issue with the logistics or finance, then set boundaries where you’ll have limited contact during the period you’re still living with her. Halloween may be a good excuse to reach out again to break the ice.

      Reply
    • Cody

      Now every time I see her at our apartment(once every 2 or 3 days), we can almost talk like nothing ever happened. We can laugh, smile, say what we've been up to... etc. But we are still broken up. My question is, when I see her, is it okay to talk to her like this, or should I just generally avoid conversation, even though it's good?

      Reply
    • Cody

      Oh also, during one our conversation today, I had told her about me going to my best friends house last night and she knew because of my snapchat map still allows her to see where I am. So I know she keeps tabs on me. Should I allow her to see where I am or block her from seeing?

      Reply
  • Javaid

    Thanks, I think this post has some healing power. Actually we had a strong relationship of 4 months. She never accepted me clearly as her boyfriend but she was crazy in love me as I could see then. Then I asked her for marriage and she clearly told me that she and her family can't marry her to me only because we live at two opposite poles of the country. I begged and cried for her love and she simply ignored my tears that we rolling all the time from my eyes. She even blocked me then and I would cry on phone while calling her. She was and is a world to me and I can't control hanging around her. It's difficult as to avoid her as we are studying at the same university and sitting in same reading room. Now it has been 14 days since I didn't talk to her. The most ducking thing is that although I don't text her but I often update my WhatsApp status with sad lines or pictures to let her know I love her more than anything. I almost see her daily in the library but we don't talk. Please help me as I am totally confused and could neither eat anything except for some coffee nor can I control from crying all the night.please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Work on gathering your emotions and composing yourself. The way you are now: begging, crying, unfocused and trying to gain pity points is not going to do you any favors in winning her back but serve to push her further away. If the root cause of how things failed was something that isn’t easily resolvable, you might want to consider moving on though to save you energy in the long run. Otherwise, stick to our 5-step plan to help you pick yourself up and win her back.

      Reply
  • Christian

    Hey
    My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago after we had been on a break from out relationship. It was at a very stressful part of our lives when were looking at places to move in together (literally looking at houses) before the stress of the whole situation made my depression get too much for myself to handle. I had to call off the house search with her and go into hospital to treat my depression, so we agreed in this time to go on a break. But after two weeks in hospital I contacted her and she told me by text message we weren’t on a break but had broken up........ which was terrible timing for my depression. Since than she has found a place to live by herself and I have left hospital and not sure what to do next. I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I texted her a couple of times but have had no replies- so I’ve written her and Elephant letter.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Pick the pieces up and get yourself to a better place emotionally and mentally before trying to reach out any further. You can't possibly expect to win her back and convince her of your changes when you're still battling with them yourself.

      Reply
    • Hamzah

      I have been dating my girlfriend for more than 1 year, and long distance really hit me. Our start of our relationship is that we truthfully fell inlove with each other. We spend time together, have fun, go out on a movie and such. But ever since long distance relationship, just yesterday, she felt that I am just her friend, and this article of how you stated that she friendzone me because I want her approval of love, and I just want to be with her and talk about how I love her, and it's true. Yes we know that we love each other but sometimes she just feels that okay, this just keeps repeating all over again, and she felt that our relationship is forced, and she said, "too much love emoji, and too much of you calling me." I love her and I want to have a way better relationship for her not in approval, but also we want to have a healthy relationship. Yes I made a past mistakes and we improve our relationship from those mistake, but I did take the lost yesterday. So I just need some advise to be in a relationship with my girlfriend again. Maybe no contact for few weeks, and such? I want both of us to take the win and have a happy relationship just like how we fell in love back then.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Some people may think that because a long distance relationship bears the risk of one party getting more distant as time passes, they need to constantly be in contact with them in order to keep the level of closeness. However, this often backfires because the other person may either end up feeling smothered or in your case, run out of things to say resulting in a 'boring' and 'forced' relationship. Just as a typical relationship would require personal space and boundaries to survive, a long distance relationship also shares the same rules. For the time being, I would suggest giving her some space to breathe while you focus on your personal life and growing as a person. Your next step would depend on whether this long distance situation is temporary or permanent.

      Reply
  • Kien Au

    I don't have an ex but she was my crush. I met her 4 years ago and we became really good friends very quickly. We hang out almost everyday. we were on social media, chatting to each other almost everyday, sending meme and other funny shit. It was the best year of my life but in those time, i wasn't really attracted to her but she was interest in me. Fast forward around 6 months, I start to have feeling and caring for her but at same time i wasn't try my best to go for her because i was insecure. I can't decide if i want risk my friendship with her so i can confess her or i keep it and let myself hurt. Eventually, things goes very bad between us. When she start to start smoking pot and party almost every week/. That where i realize i have a control habit when i told her not to smoke pot because it not good for her. (i don't care if she to party just as long i knew her friends). She told me that she free to do whatever she want and it had nothing to do with me. That devastate me, I finally confess to her, told her i care about her and she reject me. That was 2 years ago. Between that year till 6 month from now. We being on and off, trying to fix our relationship of what we had back then. However we eventually open our wound and shove more salty, with hatred and anger. Then those 6 month i made no contact at her and i focus on myself to prove her that i can change. so in those 6 remain month, i start gym, got a job, quit drink alcohol ( i used to drink a lot just to for get about her), socialize more people even tho i'm a really shy person and find my path to become a great person. It was great, I feel a lot better and feel confident now. Recently, I start to use social to post a lot of my achievement ( i rarely use social media) and she like one of my picture. I felt so happy when she start to like my pic. Like in my head, i finally have her to acknowledge me. But then today, she finally decide to unfollow me. I felt kind of sad but at same time maybe it a good thing for the both of us. Still, I want her back but not just as friends. I want to know why she unfollow me and my other question : is it possible for us to get back together and became a couple or nah, i should move on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Unfollowing you could just be her way of blocking out the emotions she faces. Remember that she's human too and disconnecting with a good friend like you probably also took a toll on her as well. There's a chance you win her but it's mostly tied to your actions, and actually making these changes before reaching out again to her.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    I been with my ex girlfriend for 3 years and four months in our relationship. We tried being friends but didn’t work out ended up with her unfriending me on social media. I did the ex back permanently plan and have recomposed myself, and just recently sent a letter to her, but I seen on her social page of her indiscreetly talking about all the bad things I did to her, before I sent the letter (didn’t know) We have been broken up for 3 months going on four. Ig I’m asking if my chances are still there, or should I just the thought of a better future go. I’m Not going to say I still love her, but I do see a better outcome if given that second chance

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on what you're saying, it does seem that she's still affected by you. Whether it's feelings or not is yet to be determined and you'll have to send the letter to find out. If you believe that you want a second shot and you want her back in your life, I would recommend going for it. At least you won't have regrets of 'what may have been' down the road.

      Reply
  • Cody T

    Hi. Ever since me (21) and my girlfriend (19) have lost touch. We became roommates, not a couple. She just recently told me that she is no longer in love with me. I do not know what to do. I have been begging and being needy for a day now, but after reading this article I know not to. Should I let her move out to a friends house for the time being? Should I move out and let her stay in the apartment? Help me please, I'm truly in love with this woman, we've been through so much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on which is more convenient, but yes one party should move out to at least give each other some space and to avoid situations where your emotions might get the better of you and you start begging again.

      Reply
    • Cody T

      Thank you, I definitely can't help but to bring up my emotions when I see her.

      Reply
  • Santo

    Hi, after broke up with my Gf, I do no contact for 30 days. Then I tried to chat her but I got no reply from her.

    Then we met accidentally a week ago. I tried to talk to her but she answered it shortly without putting her eyes on me. At that time I thought I need more NC.

    But 5 days ago, when we met again, she became nicer to me. I tried to talk to her and she replied with smile and sometimes laugh. But I could feel that she was still feel awkward with it.

    What do you think bout it? Do you think it's ok to chat her again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The first time seeing you could have been awkward and she thought she wasn't ready to face you yet, but since then perhaps she has opened to the idea of talking to you resulting in a more receptive interaction. You could try reaching out again in a week.

      Reply
    • Santo

      Thanx for the reply.

      Do you think I need to do the Elephant in the Room message? Or I just start to reach her out by any topics that is interesting?

      Reply
  • Kody

    I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. She’s posting pictures online with captions that sound like they have sometime to me. For example, “What would a man with the world see in a girl like me”. My instinct tell me to talk to her and tell me how I feel. To tell her how amazing of a person she is and how she meant everything to me. I’ve gone through NC for 3 and a 1/2 weeks now. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should reach out since she's at the stage where she's possibly missing you right now, or at least the idea of what she once had, but manage your expectations because she could easily be going through a phase right now, and may end up snapping back out of it after. You'll still have to win her over and convince her that a second shot at the relationship is a good idea.

      Reply
  • Tim

    Me and my ex met during the spring and got together this summer, we were in a relationship for a few months before she ended it just last Saturday. We're both going to different universities so this would be a LDR. 2 weeks into her University experience and she's told me she couldn't handle the distance and it's best that 'for now' we shouldn't be together (her words, not mine). However I think there were other reasons too.She still has feelings for me and me for her, but she couldn't handle seeing each other once a month or every other month. However as I have received my timetable for Uni, I should be able to visit her every other weekend, from Friday evening to Monday morning. I have started no contact and I'm starting to focus on myself, and trying to have a good time at Freshers! (I started Uni 2 weeks later than her). I know where I went wrong in the relationship and would know how to approach things differently in the future. I am going to start going gym, joining a football society and meditating. My question is, how do I approach the LDR situation since it's a bit different to other breakups? We both agree that when we're together in person (and others agree too) that we are great for each other. She just didn't think she could handle not physically being with me, and just messaging me like any of her friends would for example. I should also add this is both our first relationship.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start with reaching out to reconnect, and try to convince her that being able to see her bi-weekly is something worth considering, especially if the relationship was admittedly great and the primary issue is the long distance. You can also add in the benefits of this situation, that both parties are able to focus on school work during the week, and have time together on weekends.

      Reply
    • Tim

      I admittedly didn't deal great with the long-distance thing either and scared that, in my effort to keep a hold of her, I pushed her away. We were brilliant together when in person (still in the honeymoon phase after-all!). I'm going to contact her next week and gradually build up the contact again and mention somehow my bi-weekly plan, but not make it obvious in a sense? I feel it was more than just the long-distance thing, I've got to earn that attraction back too, because I think she lost it. I'm becoming more emotionally intelligent day by day. Any thoughts?

      Reply
  • hank

    we were yoghether for 7 years, had a baby, now 6. in the last 2 years i relapsed in a drug habit i had (dont know why.. i am a stupid idiot) and had arguments and a few fights (communication problems). she left me 1 year ago and i really miss her. been working on my addiction, i'm out. 2 weeks ago i did many mustakes.. calling her all the time, following her.. result: pushed her away. I am now desperate. very sad. she confessed she has some sort of affair but said it's none of my business.. this tears me apart..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the two of you were broken up at the time of the relationship she had with someone else, then she was right in saying that it wasn't your business (even though it hurt you). Right now, you need to give her some space again since you've pushed her away. Continue working on yourself and regaining your confidence before you consider reaching out any further.

      Reply
  • James J

    Me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago. I went no contact for a month and a half then wrote an elephant letter to much succsess. We have been constantly texting then went to talk on the phone. Things were going well and she agreed to meet up. Before we could meet up, we talked on the phone again and I had a moment of weakness. I told her that I have been misrable without her and how I can't seem to let her go. I ended up asking why she broke up with me and she just cried and asked to talk about something else. The rest of the conversation changed and I could tell she didn't want to talk anymore. I said goodnight and we haven't talked for a few days since. My problem is, is that all that build up and working to get to this point feels like it was in vain. It might look like what i've been saying up to this point was not truthful. When in truth I just had an emotional moment. I don't know how to handle this. We haven't canceled our plans to meet up, but I think she might want to. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks much.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Play it cool for the time being. Pull away for a bit, apologize for the outburst and spin it into something positive, like how you simply had a moment of weakness because it was good to hear her voice again and that she always had such an effect on you. Try to arrange for the meetup as per normal and work your pace one step at a time without having to take too many steps backwards, but just be mentally prepared to pull away a little where necessary to give her breathing room.

      Reply
    • James J

      We went on the date and things went great. We went to a few different venues, had a good time and talked about quite a bit about a lot of things including our relationship. She appoligized for breaking up with me and didn't want to hurt me so much. I told her I still have feelings for her. She said that I should try to move on an find a woman that will treat me right. She also brought up that she was interested in someone at work. The thing is, I got mixed signals with the date. We had a great connection and we were also flirting with each other. If shes telling me to find someone else, but shes sending me good vibes, is she really over me? She says she just wants to be friends, but I told her that I have more feelings than just friends. Can I still get her back in this situation? Thanks for the help.

      Reply
  • Siddhant

    Hey there,

    My girlfriend and I broke up because of insecurity, jealousy, and my controlling nature towards the end of our relationship. I was in a bad place due to unemployment and kept finding people to blame for it, and sometimes saying mean things to her made me feel better, which I realize in hindsight was a horrible thing to do. Now, I have been implementing no contact for a month, and I have healed and feel much better about it. The only problem is, she probably has a new boyfriend and we are also now in a long distance predicament. I would like to write the “elephant in the room” letter, but I am unsure of how long that letter should be. Should i talk about everything that I have realized that went wrong and what broke us (the actual reasons, not the ones she gave), or should I keep the letter short and be patient to say those things when we have a phone call/ meet?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Don't bombard her off the bat with all these issues, as it would most likely scare her off. Instead wait a little to regain bits of her trust and comfort before you address the real reasons regarding the breakup. She might even bring them up before you do. For now, keep things light and more importantly, focus on reaching out comfortably first.

      Reply
    • Siddhant

      She did bring them up a bit later on, and it made me realize what had gone wrong, and I have been working on correcting those issues since then. The thing is, I am going to her town next weekend for some official work, and she has specifically told me not to meet her for any reason. I don’t plan to, but should I send that letter before then? I really would like to wipe the slate clean and start over again, but I was wondering how to achieve that.

      Reply
    • Siddhant

      Is this a good enough Elephant in the Room message:

      "Hey,

      How are you? I just wanted to clear out that this letter is not for discussing our breakup, or about pushing you to make any decisions, or to ask for a second chance, or to prove that I am in love with you. I just want to write this to apologize for the way I acted during and after our breakup. Without understanding the burden you were feeling or your emotional state I tried to push you into situations because of my own insecurities. I went through a tornado of emotions then, and it made me behave in ways I hated. I wasn’t in the best shape after the breakup, and I took this time to find myself again.
      I also wanted to tell you that I have accepted the breakup. I have finally realized what brought our relationship to an end. The fear of failure during the job hunt killed my confidence about life's problems, and I became someone who was afraid, insecure and misinterpreted your actions. I finally decided to start fighting my fears, by beating them one at a time such as roller coasters, horror movies, skydiving, kayaking and so on. It took a while, but I did need to overcome what scared me so I could be confident about taking hits in life and stop pointing fingers at anyone else for my problems like a coward. I am learning from my mistakes, and I realized that it’s never too late to learn these things. I am just writing to let you know that I understand you more clearly now. I am not blaming myself or being too hard on myself. And please stop blaming yourself or feeling guilty about it "I am a bitch, I ruined your life, I am not deserving of love" are statements which you shouldn’t be making. I have made mistakes, and I am owning them and learning from them so I don’t make them in the future anymore.
      Remember you asked me this: "How do you know when someone is THE ONE for you?". I have found that answer finally in a quote: "A woman came out of a man's ribs, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved". Whenever you feel something like this about someone, that is the meaning of true love."

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds good and I hope things work out for you.

      Reply
    • Siddhant

      Hey,

      So I sent the letter about a month ago, after which she met me for dinner because I was in her town. We had a nice conversation, but her current boyfriend dropped her off and picked her up in exactly one hour, which I thought was a little weird, but I didn’t say anything. Since then, she has been in sporadic contact with me, but whenever the conversation starts to take a turn for a serious issue (like her career, life goals, house, etc.) she suddenly stops communicating, even though she is the one who has initiated this topic. This behavior is really confusing me, and she keeps saying that the new guy isn’t her boyfriend. The other day she texted me that she missed me, but when started talking and the conversation got to a topic where she said she wasn’t able to find personal space to think because of her new friends and assumed boyfriend, I advised her to take some space to think about things in general, after which she stopped replying again. This behavior is really confusing, and I don’t exactly understand how to react. I want to follow the message pattern written above, but if she is so hot and cold, I’m not sure it will work. Please help me out, thanks.

      Reply
  • Jennifer

    Hi, could I get some help on my elephant text? My girlfriend and I were only together for a couple of months, but I misread her signals and now here I am.

    I am sorry for acting needy and desperate. I am sorry for putting too much pressure on you when you were getting ready to work the bike race. I am sorry for being insecure and over reacting about phone calls and such. You are right, I was being melodramatic on Facebook. I am also sorry that I pulled you into an argument over text. I know that we have broken up, and I accept that fact. You don’t need someone in your life who is insecure and misinterprets your actions. However, I am truly working on changing. I have gone back to therapy to work extensively on these issues, but I know that I have a long way to go. I am learning. I am sending you this text to let you know that I hear you. I have made mistakes, an I am owning them.

    Thanks so much for your help!

    Reply
  • Sokadin

    My ex gf broke up with me 17 days ago. After breaking up, I have made a mistake by sending her pictures of places, where we were sharing the best time of our relationship. Above every single picture i have left short description about that particular memory. I've written several songs to her (not love songs, but the ones that reflects my current mental state). She has stopped watching all of my messages, and also stopped replying to them(on facebook messanger). Than i sent several messages via sms, i was desperately asking her why is she not replying to me. I asked her if she is angry on me, and why. She told me that she will speak to me when i calm down. I've made 1 more mistake when i wrote those songs on the paper and left them on the gate of her yard. I've sent sms to her that she has a message from me on the paper, that waits for her. She replied: "The thing you just did is unacceptable, do you know what break up means?" I apologized to her several times for that. After that, i finaly calmed down my mind. 3 days ago, i've sent to her sms which contains just part of "elephant in the room" message. It sounds like this: "I have to apologize for my behavior caused by break up we've just had. I was having hard time of controlling my emotions, and i wasn't myself. At the end, i realized that break up is actualy a good thing that happened for both of us after all." My question. Is it ok to leave the message like this and start with no contact for 30+ days, or do i have to write 1 more just to fill out the form of "elephant in the room" message?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don't have to deliberately craft a new elephant in the room message. Just go with this and begin no contact.

      Reply
    • Sokadin

      Is this good opener after no contact? Is it too long?

      "I wanted to talk to you after a long period of time, so I got a couple of free minutes to spend writing. It's good that we have not been in touch for some time, because we both needed space to be emotionally stabilized. It is quite useful that we broke up, because in our time I was losing myself and unconsciously did bad things, both to you and myself, and therefore it was urgent for me to get out of this situation and go back to the track. The things i did stemmed from the fear of not losing you. This time I will not apologize, nor beg for the answers, and you know very well that this apology loses meaning, since it does not buy no one's trust without concrete acts. There is nothing to be desperate for, life gives us many more opportunities that we can use and teaching us with our own mistakes. I returned to music and started to write poetry more often. I ocupied myself with school and life, relying on myself primarily and im doing well. I hope you are well and your time is well fulfilled."

      Thank you so much for support! :)

      Reply
  • Elois

    My gf broke up with me cause she couldn’t forget all the bad memories we had. E.g all the arguments and breakups which i manage to salvaged. She said i wasn’t mature and couldn’t handle situations properly. I took a day to reflect and talk to her the next day. It was the most sincere and reflective i have ever been and i address all my faults and what cause the rs to fail. She acknoledge that i have indeed mature in my thinking but she wants to see through actions. Yet she also say we will never ever be together again. Pls help.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Prove to her with your actions and not just words, and she'll probably give you a chance in the future once she's convinced. It's only been a day and you can't expect her to think you've changed completely in just one night. You have to show her consistency and effort which takes time.

      Reply
  • Maddy

    My girlfreind broke up with me yesterday and I've not taken it well...i really liked her but she told me she just didn't really love mr anymkre but still wanted to be freinds. The only issue eith all of this is that she is very antisocial and a bit of a sociopath. I don't know how to get her to take me back because of her sociopathic tendancies. Do you havr any advice on how to get her to take me back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she displays sociopathic tendencies, then one of the key issues may be an incapability to love or manipulation. You might want to reconsider if she is truly worth chasing after, because without professional help towards recovery, its going to be an extremely tiring battle to win her back or even keep her (in the event that you do win her).

      Reply
  • Bradley W

    We broken up for a month I hardly been talking to her but today she stayed on the phone to talk to make sure I got home safely but she also talking to another guy what the rules on that

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You'll have to see that other person as fair competition, and hold onto your confidence that your past relationship with her was meaningful enough for her to end up choosing you over him.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    Is there a way to communicate one on one for advice?

    Reply
  • Cuba

    Me and my ex are both 25. She left me two weeks ago. While she was actually breaking up, she said that she started feeling less attracted to me two months ago (which was the same time she found out she would have to move to London for her new job in September). A couple of days later I messaged her about it all, apologising for being needy and that as I felt I was at times (she said nothing was my fault). She replied saying that she had been struggling but feels she made the right decision. She said she wanted to stay friends in which I agreed.

    She told me to let her know on the 10th September how my trial shift in London went (she's also moving to London soon). On the 10th we texted about my trial for a little bit. She also asked who I was catching up with (as that evening I posted on my Instagram some pizzas with the captions 'catching up' and could see a feminine hand cutting another pizza - wasn't my intention).

    Three days ago I text her about some stuff I wanted back from hers, but then we got talking about the relationship via text. She said she is ready to be friends if I am. I said yes. She said that she lost attraction to me, that she felt more depended on than she felt she could be dependent. She also said how she wanted it to work, that she thought she finally found someone for her, but felt that as time went on, several incompatibilities made her feel something wasn't right:
    - Different social lives (she has many friends while I have very very few).
    - Different backgrounds and families.
    - I'm quite positive and elaborative while she is quite direct and cynical.
    - She also feels that I've had quite a sheltered life compared to her (which is true).

    She did say she enjoyed our sexual relationship while she was still attracted to me, and that I made her feel safe. She also said Iw as kind and selfless.

    She said she doesn't ever see us trying again in the future as she feels she made the right decision to end it.

    Any advice on what I should do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think that the other reasons she had given you were more of justifications for her main reason in leaving the relationship, which was because she didn't find herself being able to depend on you as her boyfriend and partner. Many women begin to lose respect and even attraction for a guy who loses sight of himself and becomes needier than he is dependable in the relationship. News of her move to London simply tipped the scale she was already threading on to begin with. If you want to win her back, you're probably going to have to work on this aspect of yourself, and to learn how to be someone she can rely on.

      Reply
  • Max

    Hi, i need your help, i was dating a girl over 2 years, we had a really special relationship, she made a mistake one year ago, honestly, i wsn't treating her good that year, but she treated me and cared about me more than i can imagine, but she was suffering from my less care, i did some sweet things to make her happy, but we fell in a problems, she tried to break upwith me 3 times, every time i say that i will change, but i don't or she can't, 10 days ago she gave me alll stuff i gave her, she went in a trip with some friends (which wasn't on purpose), and suddenly she broke up with me without telling me this, and i tried to get in touch with her, and also she told me there is someone in her life, the problem is she was talking to me over one hour before going to the trip telling me how much she loves me, i don't know is it possible to stop loving someone in 3 days ? or she's saying this so she can push me back, because she doesn't trust me when i'm teling her that i will change, she told me that she's tired of this relationship, she's getting stressed everytime i talk to her, and also she's asking me to be away from her life, she's saying that she's happy now, honestly, this time when i asked her to give me a last chance, i was all serious, and when she told me that she is with someone else (even if nothing is official), i regret so much cuz i didn't change in the right time, i love her so much, i'm passing by a hard time, i don't know what to do, we're in the same school, i can't see her everday with some guy, lately she's hanging out wih a group of friends, even if she doesn't like them too much, she told me that even if i pushed the new guy away, she will find another one, and finally she told me if being with someone else will hurt you, i will not get engaged, but also she's asking me everytime to stop talking to her whe we met in the streets, pretending that i don't know her, she's telling me that when she replies me, she does it for me to not get hurt, not for her, she couldn't block me on whatsapp, but i sent to her so much texts and she ended up by blocking me there, and also she was crying so much (a friend was there said this), i don't know what she's trying to do, is she really dsnt love me again especially when she said that her heart won't give it to anyone, i asked her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore so i stop chasing her, she said ( that's a trape question ), one day she got so angry and she told me yes i don't love you to stop, hope you reply me as soon as possible, thanks for advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you're sincere about winning her back, then you're going to have to actually start working on the areas that went wrong in the relationship before you even stand a chance to win her back. There's no point in promising to change and asking her for a second chance now because she probably doesn't trust you anymore until you at least prove to her otherwise that you are capable of making those changes. You're also going to have to accept the breakup this time around and give her some space because she has already blocked you, which is definitely saying something about how she feels. Give her time to cool off while you work on yourself and focus on becoming a better person, before you attempt to reach out again.

      Reply
  • Matt

    This article has some of the best advice I have seen but I am in a very unique situation. Me and my ex work together on a small island with around 700 people. This makes the no contact stage very difficult. I didn't cope well as this was my first breakup after falling in love. we broke up a month ago and had a massive argument last week. I have taken a step back to reassess. I want us to be together as I know from others and her she was happy, I was just insecure, too much and needy. I have started to follow your steps and doint the no contact. We have agreed to not interact at social events and only interact in work if needed (luckily we have 2 visiting researchers she is leading for a month so we shouldn't have to work together for a bit). That is the first issue. Second is the island. We literally have nowhere to go for coffee, a meal, etc. The only place is a small intimate cinema (the place we had ur first date) that has 3 shows a week. Its a tropical island with beaches and extinct volcanoes and we are both avid hikers. But these seem too much to start.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps a chat by the beach after NC is done would sound like something you could consider, or even begin by breaking the ice at work first to get her comfortable with you again before arranging for something else. For the time being, stick to what you've agreed by not interacting during social events and keeping things to a professional level.

      Reply
    • Matthew Stritch

      Thanks for the advice. I decide to purchase your email coaching and am following all the advice you gave. Im trying to decided on either 3 emails with you or ebp service. They are roughly the same cost but honestly cant decide which is the best route?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would recommend the EBP Advanced System first as it provides you with a strong guidebook on working your way towards recovery and winning your ex back. Coaching should be considered if the situation is extremely tricky or delicate and you feel that conventional guides no longer work in your situation.

      Reply
  • Jagpreet singh

    Help me please.....
    Me and my girfriend we in beautiful relationship of 8 months. We loved each other alot and she had her first time with me. Then one of her friend tried to rape her but she was safe and this made me insecure about her with her other friends. I was having summer break and tried to concentrate on work as i was broke at that time (even knowing i m broke she was with me). Then i was not able to give her time and even my family didnot liked her as they think she is not good girl etc etc. She wanted to marry me and she herself purposed me. I was happy alot but distance started killing our relationship and in this time she strted meeting that guy who tried to rape her and i told her to stay away but she showed me text of he calling her bro. And one day she said she didnt want to be with me anymore straight after being in bed with me.
    I got hurted alot and was in shock. She tried to help me to get out of that but that didnot helped and i got too possesive about her. Then we started fighting on things like she didnot replied or pick my call when she is with other friends ( i expected this because she expect me pick her call even if i am with family). Now even asked her if she has any boyfriend or something or reconsider me etc to which she denied of both. I got suspicious about one of her friend as she took day off on his birthday and will go to concert with him( she wanted to go with me only). Yesterday i got drunk with my friends and texted her and stuff she has been rude with me from amny days and yesterday she was at his birthday and again got rude with me. I texted and called her but she didnt picked my phone or replied and i got angry and called her from my friends phone and asked what she is doing at that guys place at 2:30 etc etc and she hung up on me and called me today and said me to stay away from and we had a ugly fight. She told me to die as she dont care. Once i was most important person for her. Nlw she has blocked my number and said will not call or meet me.
    I wamt her back at any cost. I even had planned surprise for her for nest week. I donot know what to do as i love her alot.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It might be a good idea to put some breathing room between both parties right now, especially after the way things built up towards the end of the relationship. There seemed to be a lot of insecurties, jealousy, anger, and resentment which are all not healthy attributes for any relationship. Ask yourself how it ended up becoming this way and spend some time working on these issues while picking yourself up from the breakup and getting to a stable place (emotionally and mentally) before you try to reach out again.

      Reply
  • James

    Hi is there anyway I can talk to the writer of this article as I feel my break up is very complex and I wonder if they had any extra advice

    Reply
  • Joe

    Hi, I need some help. I am 48 years old, and my ex fiancé is 42. We got engaged last Christmas, and for a short time, everything was amazing. That soon faded. My ex wife has intruded in our relationship, and I was not strong enough to handle it effectively. My ex fiance left me numerous times, yet still came back. I have other issues that are being dealt with through support groups, and therapy. I also had an inappropriate text relationship with someone I knew from high school. Now I have never dated this person, called this person, do not know where she lives, and had no intentions on ever dating her, although we flirted via text. This person than proceeded to send the whole thread to my ex fiancé. This was almost two weeks ago. That was the final straw. Even though, my ex fiancé told me that she loved and missed me the prior Sunday, she lashed out at me, and has not talked to me in over a week. I have started no contact, but it is hard because she lives right across the street. I also had the problem of not being able to keep my mouth shut, and I would say too much, about my fiancé, to the wrong people. This is being handled as we speak, via setting boundaries. I have learned a very valuable lesson, and this is the girl I have waited for all my life. I am devastated that I hurt her, and betrayed her trust. I have recently started going back to the gym, and working on my own insecurities. I know she has blocked my number, and I know that she is hurt. Any advice would be appreciated. She wanted to marry me, and have a family with me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Currently, she might be feeling overwhelmed by everything that has happened, so you're going to have to give her some space for now to cool off first before reaching out again. This is the time where no contact is appropriate as you focus on working on yourself while giving both parties some distance from each other.

      Reply
    • Joe

      Thanx Ryan. I am currently in the no contact phase, while I am working on myself. Although I love her, and miss her terribly, I understand that we both need space right now. I also know that she still loves me, and wants to have a life with me. We both have insecurities that we need to work on. I do feel that if I can pull this off, we will have a long life together. After all, that is what we both want.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Pull through with it Joe, and try to distract yourself whenever your thoughts begin to fill up with her. Remind yourself that this is what's best for yourself, her, and the relationship in the long run, and if you truly love her, its a goal that worth sacrificing now in order to reach.

      Reply
    • Joe

      I do truly love her, and I realize the mistakes that I made in our relationship. I am learning to be selfless, as opposed to selfish. I am taking care of myself, and eating right. I have stopped drinking, and am going to therapy to deal with other issues that I have, that have put a severe strain on our relationship. I have not seen or heard from her in over two weeks now. I do think about her, and I hope she is doing well. I also know that she still does love me, afterall, she told me that two days before the split. I do not believe that these feelings just "go away". Although we fought a lot, most of it was because of my selfish nature. It is very hard right now, but I am staying the course. Is there anything else that I should be doing??? I am giving her space, and time to distance herself from all of the bad. Like I said before, I truly love her, and all I want is for her to be happy, regardless of whether I am with her or not.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There isn't much else except to remain positive and continue working towards an improvement for now. Give her some space and try reaching out again sometime down the road.

      Reply
    • Joe

      I have been working out again. Lost a lot of weight to date. I quit drinking and am getting professional help for other issues that I have. I have not heard from her in over three weeks now. I know she blocked me. The hard part is that she lives across the street from me, and I am unable to go see if she is ok. I hope she is thinking about me, but I am not sure. Two days before our split, she told me that she loved me and missed me. This is what I am having a hard time with. I am planning on contacting her next week. This has been very difficult for me because my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

      Reply
  • Belisarius

    Hi,
    I am 34 years old, and my girlfriend is 26. We have been together for four years, we broke up, actually went on a break recently. She said she needs time to rethink everything, as she lost the spark we had at the beginning. Analyzing the situation, I am quite confident that she got scared and freaked out, because I hinted at having a long term plans with her. She is also often closed and reserved, and keeps a lot of her emotions to herself, she is introvert at heart. But it is also due to my fault, for probably taking things too much for granted, and not recognizing the problems in the first place. I sensed that she has changed, but I thought it is just a stress from too much work. We are on a pause, so we keep occasional contact, although I try to keep it down, but it is impossible to never meet, since we have a lot of friends and places in common. I made a mistake of asking her to get back together right away. She expressed her desire to keep talking to me on several occasions, and said I am her best friend. We talked, and I made it clear that I am her best friend, but I am not satisfied with staying only that, and made it clear that if we break up in the end, will cut all the ties. I decided to try and not talk to her for two weeks (probably impossible longer than that due to the fact that we will meet for certain at some party, but I can keep it probably very basic and cordial). Any special advice or insight? I have a few ideas, but since we said that we are going to talk about the situation soon, I am confused should I let her and do a complete no contact for few more weeks, AFTER that party where we shall meet or should we talk about it around the time of a said party, like we said we will,, since there are some things left unsaid, that need to be resolved? I know for sure we will not get back together at the party, but I worry about breaking my given word that we will talk about it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Probably best not to bring it up at the party, perhaps talk to her about things after. However, I don't think at this point in time that the result will be any different so you're going to have to mentally prepare for no contact after that talk.

      Reply
  • Marcus

    My ex broke up with me and I was keeping tabs on her so much after the breakup that she winded up blocking me on everything including my number. How do I get in touch with her after stage 2? Did I ruin it by being clingy? We were together for 8 months and broke up because she moved 7 hours away.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would depend entirely on whether she unblocks you, but generally, there isn't much you can do except wait right now. Even by sending a letter after NC, if she genuinely felt suffocated by you, she would actually feel more creeped out than touched by your attempt to reach out.

      Reply
  • Justin

    Ok so me and my ex have been talking again for a month and we see each other a lot because we both volunteer at the same things. Quite often she touches me in playful ways (We are handing out pamphlets and we're seeing who can hand out more so when she sees someone she playfully pushes me aside and steps on my foot to get to them first or we're out with a group of friends and I'm lying down and she grabs my hand and pulls me along when we start moving somewhere else) I'm not really sure if I should see that as a good sign or I should just dismiss it as nothing.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At the very least, it does show interest and that she's comfortable with you. It's a good sign.

      Reply
  • Dunc

    Hiya, need some advice. I was with a girl for a few months and fell for her pretty quickly. She finished with me 10 days ago and I stupidly became needy and messaged too much and she blocked me on what's app and Instagram and unfriended me on Facebook and I thought that was it and since then she unblocked me on Instagram. last Sunday she accused me of being on dating sites when we were together (untrue) and unblocked me on what's app so we could talk. We agreed to meet up the next day for an honest discussion and she reiterated that she can't do relationships anymore even though she's never had a connection like the one we shared. she messaged to say contrary to what I might think it was nice to see me and I agreed. Then yesterday she called me to accuse me again of being a liar and that I was on dating sites and I spent ages trying to convince her. We then spent last night texting each other, more than we have done for a long time, some of it funny, some of it small talk. Obviously I'm confused and want to ask her where I stand but also know i need to go into NC. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Her accusations may have been triggered by a reminder or someone trying to insinuate that you were unfaithful during the time of the relationship. You can tell her otherwise, but if it keeps persisting, you might want to find out what's causing her to suddenly accuse you. You definitely still mean something to her, but given that she just told you that she's unable to 'do relationships anymore', you might want to give her some breathing room by going into NC rather than pushing for her to come back.

      Reply
  • Shaw

    Hi,
    I had a relationship with a girl for 3 years and we broke up 3 months ago. She said to me that it may not be possible for her to love me again. We both did somethings wrong that made us breakup. But we had amazing committed relationship for 3 years. I apologized and tried to show her that I have changed. I still want to get back but she doesn't. She also said she tried but it felt forced. I tried not contacting her but she asks me to help her sometimes. Should I stop helping her during the no contact period? Will the 30 day no contact period work even if she has clearly stated that she may never love me that way again or come back? Can you give me some direction?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may only feel this certain right now because you're still in her life and she's reminded of the negative emotions she felt back then during the relationship. It takes time and space for these things to be forgotten, and for the emotional gap/realization that you actually play an important role in her life, in which NC should help with that.

      Reply
  • Jack Jones

    Hi, My girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. We were together for 2 years, and good friends for 2 years before started dating. We are both 23 years old and go to same college.

    Things were great until last month when she became distant. I asked her whats wrong and she said that she tried to ignore it but she said that she doesn't feel the spark anymore. Even said that she loves me and cares about me very much but is not in love with me. And that she needs some space which I understood because I wasn't in the right place in my mind for a few months lately. I am working on it right now. I was clingy and needy and jealous. I said that the break for some time could help but she said that she was thinking and that she needs to focus on her career. And said that the break up is what she wants right now.

    When we talked I asked if there is someone, like a guy or something. She said no. And in the end we broke up and she said something like "maybe in the future". What does that mean? Why didn't she want a break?

    I don't know man, I really love this girl and want to give her the best of me. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For some people, a break would mean simply pausing the relationship but nothing changing after it has unpaused. Sometimes it's better to break up completely and start over from a fresh page down the road, rather than continuing things from where they left off. Give it some time, focus on yourself right now, and reach out again after some time has passed as an improved version of your current self.

      Reply
  • DV

    I was with my ex for almost 5 months. Everything was fantastic. We got along extremely well. Clicked flawlessly right away no arguing fighting etc. We even talked about moving in and talking about long term commitments. She recently got a promotion and it changed her hours slightly. She also works another part time job. We discussed all this and came to the conclusion that it would work and it did. Here's where it get it's interesting, it was like a switch flipped. She told me that she didn't see us in the long term and that our relationship had no progression. I've stood my ground, fought the urge to beg and all that. We haven't talked at all and decided to go into the NC phase at the moment it's been close two weeks. I'm pushing for another two. Is that too long? What should I do? I honestly thought I'd be ring shopping in two years due to how well it was going. Thanks in advance

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Another 1-2 weeks would be sufficient, and before reaching out, perhaps sit down to seriously consider her sudden change of heart and what caused it. If you want to win her back for good, you're going to have to figure this part out, and besides connecting to build attraction with her, you're going to figure out how to maintain the attraction and for her not to feel this way again in the future.

      Reply
  • dray

    I must first commend you for your good work here, your article is actually the best I have seen so far. I need advice on a certain issue. There is the girl I love with all of me and she knows. Now she told her friend, who is close to me that, we can't date, reasons being that I'm too good for her, I care about her a lot, and I'm immature.... I need your advice, what do you think I can do to get her back... Note we attend the same school and her friend is making me know she has made up her mind not to date me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she hasn't shown interest in reciprocating your feelings towards her because of these reasons, perhaps it would be good to work on these areas and make prominent positive changes to yourself so that she views you differently.

      Reply
  • Joe Kennelly

    Hi there. After 2.5 years together, myself and my girlfriend broke up. We had no arguments for the first 2 years but after she was finished a major exam, she expressed doubt over our relationship, leading to me overreacting and trying to convince her it was ok. We stayed together for 6 weeks after, during which I was manipulative and needy, and upset that she was treating me poorly. My question is what should I do, as I feel these 6 weeks have left us both feeling like the relationship wasn’t as good as it was overall. I don’t want to appear desperate or needy anymore, but I’m naturally quiet and don’t want to appear something I’m not. I would like to find a way to show her that our relationship was very good for so long. Our breakup happened more because of mistakes we both made, leading to a loss in connection. What would you recommend to do?
    Many thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give each other some space right now. The last part of the relationship may have caused her to feel smothered and suffocated, along with pushing you away due to your neediness. It's not impossible to win her back, but you're going to have to at least work on this aspect of your emotions and gain more control over it first. Regain your composure and make those changes before reaching out to her again with more self-confidence and certainty, rather than with insecurity and neediness.

      Reply
  • Jared

    So my girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago. I believe that I drove her away and she lost her feelings for me. I was insecure about her being friends with a guy she had kissed about 2 months ago. I constantly bothered her about it and wasn't trusting her. We remained friends with benefits after the breakup for about a week I wanted to do this because my family is going on a cruise with her family in about 20 days.
    I decided I'm gonna do the no contact until then. But how should I take things on the cruise I'm sure 8 days seeing her in only a bathing suit is really going to tempt me to do something with her. I think I should prob not do anything with her during it but what if I end up doing something with her? If I do end up having sex with her or doing something sexual could this ruin the chances of us lasting if we get into a relationship?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she has lost feelings for you because of your actions in pushing her away, even if seeing her on the cruise spark familiar feelings from you, it may not be reciprocated. You have to be mentally prepared for that as well. I would recommend considering breaking NC earlier (a few days before the cruise) to at least re-familiarize yourself with her and break the ice instead of having to do so on the cruise.

      Reply
  • Louie

    Hi, I'd like to ask for advice. My ex and I were in an eight month long relationship. I'm 25 and she is 24. Just last week, she suddenly contacted me and asked if I could accompany her to buy something at the mall. When we were done I took her home and she kissed me before leaving. I took it as a good sign, until she suddenly stopped responding to my messages. She also did this on our previous dates. She still picks up my calls though. Still, after a whole day of ignoring me, I messaged her that what we were doing was really confusing and its taking a toll on me. It was hurting me and also making me confused. That sometimes she doesn't realize it but she is leading me on. She replied to me that she was sorry and she really didnt realize it. That she was contacting me because I was always there for her and she was spoiled because I always made her felt like she was important. She told me she doesnt want me out of her life but she will keep her distance from me because of what happened. I told her that I wanted to give things one last try but as long as she is like that, things would never work out. I told her that I will wait for her answer and until now she never replied. I'm doing no contact now. Is it too late for me?

    Reply
  • chris

    Hi Ryan. This is a great article, thank you for posting it. I’m kind of stuck mid-level though, and any advice would be appreciated. I’m 46 & she is 29. We had a deep, deep connection at the beginning but over time she lost her attraction to me. This was obvious, almost intentional on my part, because my 18-year old dog was dying and it tore my heart. I let my emotions get the best of me, I pushed her away out of vulnerability, and it was way too early for that depth of feeling for her, I don’t blame her at all. Anyhow, after 5 months of hot and cold, she finally said we should stop seeing, texting, etc. I explained I was just trying to be her friend and if we can’t be, that’s a shame, then did 6 weeks of NC, during which time my dog died and I processed the loss. But then I gave her brother a song I wrote and recorded that we had written at his house which seemed to blow his mind and I am sure she heard it. Sure because- when I dropped off some some things for her brother a few days ago and texted her the deal, she responded, she seemed to see me in a different light. I answered that there was something there for her, she answered thanks and said sorry about my dog she’d heard about it. And honestly, accidentally, as I was typing the elephant in the room text, my iPad glitched and sent a gif of a sobbing elephant baby. So I quickly finished my text which read something like: “saying goodbye to my dog, I realize I became emotionally needy these last few months and I want to apologize for that.” That’s all then I texted her that I didn’t mean to send the gif and I don’t feel like that, kind of unintentionally lighthearted. So that’s where I am- no response in 4 days, but she definitely would want me to make the big move if there is to be one. From your article it seems I should rebuild attraction, but I don’t want to text her any more, I don’t want to bother her at work, and I’m not going to her house to just drop by so what should I do? If texting is my only option, what would be the best approach at this point? Oh- also I’m recording another song for her and plan on asking her for coffee when I finish and deliver it to her at work next week, and this one really is mind blowing. Thanks man, this was longer than I thought it would be.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If texting isn't the something you want to continue with, perhaps ask her out for coffee to at least have a face to face catch up, and rebuild attraction from there.

      Reply
  • Lauv

    My ex and I have been together for 5 years now, she broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Since we started our relationship we both knew that our future was gonna be hard because we both come from two different religious families and it's really hard for us to get married, but we both want to stay together forever. The main reason behind the break up is that I started to gradually neglect her towards the end of our university graduation year thinking that I could've had a better chance with someone else. After she left me, she said that it's for the best, a week after she started dating another guy, and yesterday she told me the main reason was that my neglectful actions and that I've changed through the 5 years, and that religion has nothing to do with it, and that she was willing to spend her life with me because were so happy we had everything. I admit my mistakes, and through the past 2 weeks i was really needy, pitty and begging for another chance, yesterday i read this article and I decided that I will win her back because I realized how much she devoted herself to me, and I realized even though we have a hard future, she was a perfect match for me, because in the past year that I started neglecting her, i was thinking with my penis rather my heart or head. We spent at least 5 days a week with each other, at least 7 hours aday. How may I start winning her back effectively, and is there any chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the length of the relationship, it's likely that you still have a chance, due to the number of cherished memories you guys once shared (even if it may have decreased towards the later part of the 5 years). However, you're going to have to give her some space for now to process her emotions and potentially start missing you. Follow the guidelines in this article, and begin no contact for now to give her some space to recover from whatever hurt and negative emotions she may feel towards you. You could also use this article for more advice on no contact.

      Reply
    • Lauv

      How can i go to stage 3 and through stage 4 knowing that she's already dating someone else?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I recommend reading this article, even though the context was meant for females wanting to win their ex-boyfriends when their ex is already in a new relationship.

      Reply
  • Nate

    I'd like some advice regarding the No Contact period after a relatively short relationship has ended. This girl and I had only been dating for about a month and never became "official", though we were exclusive the whole time. I believe that things may have been moving too fast for her as she broke up with me on Monday citing reasons such as not being in a mental place where she was ready for someone else to be in her life.

    I'd like to have another chance with her in the future, but I'm unsure of how long the No Contact period should be given the short time we were together. A month seems like it might be a bit much given that we'd only known each other for that long to begin with, am I being overly impatient by thinking that 2-3 weeks would be enough time?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Given the length of the relationship, you might want to consider not going into no contact at all but simply taking a step back and trying to communicate things across at a slower pace.

      Reply
  • Joseph

    My ex and I had been together for about 3 years. We are both 20 years old and have just recently gone to different colleges. We both promised each other that we would make things work and that our relationship was to strong to let a few hours of driving get in our way. My question relates to the No Contact part of this plan. I took too long to initiate no contact simply because I thought it was just an argument we were having at the time. Neither one of us ever really said that we were breaking up, but in my mind, that is basically what happened. So in the process of us "breaking up" she said that she didn't want to lose our snap streak (how many days in a row you and one other person have snapchatted each other). Now that I am in the No Contact phase, I can not decide whether to end our snap streak or do as she asked. I understand the whole idea of No Contact and how it is supposed to work. From what I've read, she won't start missing me until we stop all contact completely. However, her asking to keep the snap streak has lead me to sending a blank snapchat once a day for the last couple days. What I'm asking is if, for the best results, I need to end the snap streak completely.
    Any and all advice you have for me, whether pertaining to the question or not, will be much appreciated.

    Thanks in advance,
    Joseph

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, you're going to have to cut all unnecessary contact that relates back to her thinking that nothing has changed, and that includes the Snapchat streak as well. You need to give her a chance to miss you and the only way you do that is to cut contact for now.

      Reply
    • Ricardo

      She was fine at first . She was laughing and was answering almost instantly .She also purposefully not watch my stories. Is that good because she is thinking about me ? Also I should mention that she is 19 and she is moving to another town to study in 25 days for a few years and I should hurry a little before she is gone ( I will be able to go there very often if I manage to get her back) .Thank you very much for your precious time !

      Reply
  • Ricardo

    Hello kevin . Most of what you said has happened in my relationship with this girl (even what you wrote in the other articles) . Even after it has ended . So im pretty close to your guide . I have sent the elephant in the room text and i started contacting her after one week from that . The problem is that Iam in day 6 of your plan and that she takes a long time to reply to my texts since day 4 (i follow the exact sample) . Should i give her a few more days before contacting again ?? and should i restart it if I do that ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You don’t have to restart, but instead simply keep the conversation topics light and not too pushy.

      Reply
    • Ricardo

      She was fine at first . She was laughing and was answering almost instantly .She also purposefully not watch my stories. Is that good because she is thinking about me ? Also I should mention that she is 19 and she is moving to another town to study in 25 days for a few years and I should hurry a little before she is gone ( I will be able to go there very often if I manage to get her back) .Thank you very much for your precious time ! (please feel free to delete the comment I wrote by accident on top of mine and sorry for the inconvenience )

      Reply
  • Winnie

    Let me just start our saying, we both are females and are 16. We fell in love in middle school and continued that love for 2y4m, this relationship was an LDR although it didn’t start out as one. she was my first love and I was hers. During these 2 years “we” (I will admit it was mostly her) asked for many breaks and we’ve broken up 3 times in total, including this one. It has been 6 days since our (3rd) break up, and I still have no idea what the reason was behind her reason for breaking up with me, but I know this breakup is likely going to last much longer than the rest..
    3 days before the breakup she had told me that she is unsure if I’m “the one”, I asked to give us a chance but after time I realized this feeling wasn’t going to change, for now, no matter how much of myself I was giving to the relationship. I couldn’t understand how feelings could change so fast, throughout the relationship and even past the breaks she still insisted that I was the one for her, we both did, and now all of a sudden her feelings changed. Perhaps it wasn’t as sudden as I thought but I didn’t see any signs that wasn’t working out between our 2nd and 3rd breakup, although I just admit the time between them was practically only a month. I mustered up the heart and maturity to tell her that I want her to be happy, so I set her free.
    The next day I did what I knew I shouldn’t have, I begged and pleaded to her talking about how I didn’t understand her feelings, we both agreed we still love each other but she’s unsure and “confused”. After about two days of this pleading I decided to try the “no contact” for a while, I knew it should have been longer than two days but I really couldn’t handle the waiting. When I contacted her after the no contact I apologized for how I was acting, I knew I was being immature and irrational and I had asked if we could stay friends. She of course agreed, she kept telling me she wanted me to be a part of her future so I knew she would have. We’ve been in contact but it’s not the same, I want her back.
    Is there a chance of this working out in the end or perhaps in the future when we’re older? I am willing to wait, I can be patient as long as I know what the outcome will be.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You have to understand that people go through different phases in life, and at 16, these phases tend to be drastic ones as they figure out who they are. I would suggest picking yourself up and working on positive changes but not getting your hopes up and actively waiting because her decision may very well be permanent, depending on what happens after this.

      Reply
  • Lance

    Hi Ryan,

    I need some advice. We were dating for almost four months (and was really an amazing one) before out of nowhere she dropped the bomb and decided to break it off with me. I took it wrongly of course where I got pretty pissed and we got into the bad-break up pace. Then I contacted her again three days later to apologize and get back together. I’m pretty sure she herself had no idea what’s got into her as she’d given me bogus reasons for the break up. I realized it now that it was the common “lost of attraction” malice. The stupid part was that I gave her an ultimatum; take me back or I’ll never bother her again. She chose the latter.

    Of course some of the reasons that she listed towards me have its own logic such as we were a little incompatible because of our age difference, cultural difference and language difference. It was not an easy path to begin with but we had put aside our differences because of love. Now after she had lost the attraction, I guessed she suddenly realized the bullshit we would face and maybe aren’t willing to go through it with me. Without the attraction, I am not worth it.

    Now, I have very high ego and maybe a little narcissism. I didn’t beg her, and after she decided that she doesn’t want to get back together, I totally pulled off. I’m doing the NC because that is what we were supposed to do after a break up, you know to grief, accept and eventually heal. It has been 30 days of NC now but after lots of contemplating (and grief, and blaming game, and anger and whatnot) on my side, I decided that I still want her back. The problem is, I already told her that I will not contact her ever again so I am pretty stuck in this department. Contacting her again is going to give her the impression that I am too desperate where I can’t even manned up with my own words.

    I’m really stuck here. Any advice? PS: This is LDR.

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider doing NC for a longer period in order to give her some space and time to forget about your words, and even potentially start missing you again before reaching out.

      Reply
  • Piero Anotonio

    My Ex-girlfriend broke up with me around 2 months and half ago, her reason was that she didn't feel anything anymore and at that time I thanked her for the good time we had together and wished her the best, then I went in No Contact for 2 months long. After one month she decided to put me on Limited Profile on Facebook out of nowhere, I didn't contact her or did anything, I just continued my Journey. I spent the time trying to work on my PhD, my work, and myself and then by coincidence I saw her post on Facebook that whenever you start to care, you're fucked, I felt really bad at that time because I felt like she was the one to break up with me although she was the one who initiated the break up and broke my heart, I felt also bad for her because I know that she came from an unstable family and had a lot of security issues with her father, I decided to contact her since it is almost 2 months of NC, and she responded positively and wished me a happy birthday which was coming after 2 days. I tried to make it light and told her that the early birthday wishes are not acceptable, and she said ok with a laugh and then sent me a text on my Birthday to wish me a happy birthday, we texted for 10 minutes and then I ended the conversation. I still want her back and want things to work out but haven’t mentioned anything to her. I plan to wait for a week and see if she reaches out to me and maybe I try to send her another light text then in a couple of days I try to take her out for a coffee and talk a bit. I still have feelings for her but don't want to wait my entire life waiting to get back together. I understand where she is coming from and that's why I really want to give the relationship another try.

    Could you please advice me? I'm in lost of ideas. Does the family status of the partner affect their judgements?

    Thanks in advance :)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      One of the reasons she put you on limited profile on Facebook could’ve been that the breakup finally hit her at that point and she started thinking of you. Continue to build attraction with her at this point and focus on re-igniting the spark you once shared with her.

      Reply
  • George

    My friend for over 1year became my intimate girl friend after her divorce of over 18 years ago. She asked to move the friendship to the higher level and I agreed. Over past 2 months she has asked for space to "find herself". I gave her the space and followed your plan. I think the break up was due to a combination of my taking her for granted, her insecurity and wanting to reflect on her past life. She is in her fifties and i am in my sixties. I am now in stage 4 where we are talking. She is now aware of my serious intentions of wanting to marry her as i am in the process of freeing myself of an abusive relationship. However she still doesnt want physical contact (touching etc).
    How do i get her back her pre "brake up self"? I dont want to get stuck in friend zone.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue as you were in reconnecting with her, but add in light flirting where possible, and avoid always being available (aka the nice guy) because often times, the other party may end up taking you for granted and isn’t willing to change the situation because she is overly comfortable.

      Reply
  • Kieran

    Hi. A couple of years ago, my girlfriend of three years and I moved to England from America together and we share the same house and room. This last month, she went and visited the United States for six weeks, and two weeks in she told me she didn't have feelings for the relationship anymore. Since then we sort of kept in contact, but I was a very insecure person. Over the course of time, I was able to regain my confidence in a way similar to the way suggested for the no contact period, and while we didn't talk too much, between some of the issues we had with the house (mould problems preventing our room from being habitable) and the connection we had, there wasn't really a real no contact, at least for more than a couple weeks at most. Yesterday she came back and saw another guy had left his mark on her neck and I didn't get angry but I was a bit too pushy about it. Later on we had some nice food, a laugh, and some intimate moments. We communicate clearly with each other, and I can see and feel the attraction but she feels like she wants to date around and that I'm holding her from feeling independent. We thought we would try out hanging out, being casual, and enjoying the moment for the next week but we have also agreed to move apart later on. My main fear is being friend zoned, because I've been very timid and submissive in the past. Since I have become much more confident and willing to accept whatever happens, but I really want to have a good relationship with her now that we both understand some of the reasons why things were going wrong. I want to ask for your advice on the situation because I recognise how important No Contact is, but I don't know how to implement it when we're so close. Whatever happens, this article has helped me feel more inspired to be myself and motivated me to press forward, and I think your team is amazing for helping the people in such stressful periods of their lives for free.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you’re already reconnecting well with her, perhaps NC can be held off for now. Continue building the level of comfort she has with you, and to avoid getting friendzoned, whenever hanging out, perhaps don’t forget to add in light flirting whenever you’re able to.

      Reply
  • David

    Hey

    So me and my ex had a very intense relationship, nearly 2 years, that was filled with so many highs, however towards the end my mental health wavered and i became depressed and insecure which led to arguments and therefore some amount of lows. We broke up early June, she regretted it and came to see me in very quickly which she asked to get back together, over my birthday, the end of June. Where I had the greatest week of my life in the last week of my tenancy at university. After this we hadn't been able to see each other for a while due to distance issues away from uni (she still has one year left and the uni is about an hour from me). Her grandad died and i didn't do enough to help her through it due to my continuing mental state. The reason she broke it off again. Late July.

    We were talking casually for the next few weeks, just keeping contact because we clearly care for each other, and i was becoming more and more insecure about her moving on and was very nasty in some of the ways I was speaking to her and begged her back far too often. She told me not to message her for two weeks to give her space. 22 August. I found this page and decided it was a good idea.

    However, the two weeks are nearly up, she goes back to uni before 30 days is up. I'm not sure whether i should listen to her advice of two weeks, or wait for the full 30 days, or just leave it about 3 weeks. I know she has a lot of things planned to try move away from me and she's incredibly strong willed. She told me she should have been stronger the first time so we could definitely move on eventually. I believe she's muted me on social media cos she hasn't interacted with anything of mine for a while (like viewed stories on instagram etc). I've done the same but can't help myself to look anyway, I like to know she's doing well and is happy etc etc.

    I do feel better about myself and feel we are wasting our time breaking up, though we should take it very slow to make sure we're both confident enough to start again. I will always love the girl and if it didn't work I value her happiness over my well being, even though I know I will be alright in the end.

    That's just my story for now, needed it to get it out somewhere, you're guides and mailing list emails are helpful when I'm feeling low, I hope it works and her family and friends can forgive me for not being there for her when she needed me most. Mental healths a bitch, though I've a job and cycle everyday, which has solved those issues. The only issue I have now is that I lost the girl that once wanted to my name and children, no matter how hard I try, the heartbreak continues, and we've essentially been apart for 3 months.

    Kind Regards and good luck to you all

    Reply
  • Ryan

    My ex and I dated for about 3 years. During that we did fight a lot, but at the end of the day always fell even more in love with each other. There is a big thing that we share as a deep connection, but at the same time always pushes us apart, that is a miscarriage she had almost 2 years ago. We continued living together for the last 18 months and sex regularly. We had a big fight that ended with a break up, yet we continued living together and acting all the same. I wanted things to get better between us and have way less fights/arguments, so I left for a while. I went and spent 3 months in Hawaii to give this complete separation break in the relationship. We stayed in contact but only the very slightest (phone call every 2 weeks or less). About a week before I returned home (about 3 weeks ago now), she met another guy and started dating immediately. She moved in with him after about a week of dating, and there she is now.

    The night I arrived home, we even had sex again (while she is dating the other guy). We both have very strong love for each other still and have told each other so. But I made several of the mistakes of pushing her away. She says she wants to make her and "the new guy" work, but isn't sure who she really wants anymore.

    Her personality puts her in a position of being easily manipulated, which her entire family has all done a lot of towards her. Making me believe this guy is doing the same thing to manipulate her decision making.

    I'm at the point of being completely confused as to which 'Stage' I am even on.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since all this is still pretty fresh, perhaps you might want to consider restarting your stages again, and go into NC to give things some breathing room, so she doesn't accuse you of also trying to manipulate her decision. Let her know that you'll be there for her, but you don't want to put pressure and make her unhappy in the process.

      Reply
  • Rohan

    Hi, we broke up on 23 July this year. She's ignoring me but hasn't blocked me from her social apps, reads my messages and see my posts etc but doesn't respond. I contacted her on 15 Aug but it was all comprised of a mixture of various emotions like begging, anger, nostalgia, etc.

    Our families know that we broke up and her family is quite reluctant aboyt our patch up because they don't trust in the fact that we may be good together again even if we patch up.

    Though I'm quite near to complete stages 1 and 2, but I'm not able to understand what exactly should I do.

    Negative thoughts, nightmares and emotional unbalanced composure is hitting on me hard. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes depressed (cry too).

    She's worth giving a second chance.

    Our reasons for break up were: intensive arguments (ego and attitude), misunderstandings, disrespect (abuses and disagreement), null feelings from her side, unhappiness, no spark/excitement and my attraction to one girl which wasn't at all a serious one because it continued for not even a month but it deeply affected her though she was fine with it 3-4 months back but now it's no. 1 reason in her breakup's reasons' list.

    We had a 4+ years long relationship and we have shared unexplainably romantic and beautiful moments but mostly bad ones.

    Please help !!! I want her back. I'm just not able to understand what should I do ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Work on all these issues that caused the breakup, and try to implement positive changes in your life so that should a second opportunity ever present itself, you won't end up down the same road as before. Since your previous recontact with her wasn't exactly a positive experience, I would recommend going into NC again to give her some space to let go of the negative image she might currently have of you.

      Reply
  • Ryan

    My girlfriend and I started dating about 2 years ago, I was a Senior in high school, she was a Junior. We both agreed that we had an amazing relationship overall and we dated throughout the next year. However, after she graduated, she felt that she wanted to spend more time making new experiences and meeting new people, which was understandable. We were separated for about 6 months after that, we talked casually every now and then, but she was in another relationship which was definitely a rebound. This past November we started talking again after about a month of no contact, she said that she realized that she made a mistake and that I was the only one she could see herself with. We met a few times in private and talked, then we got back together a few weeks after she left her boyfriend. And when I say we got back together I mean we jumped right in, there wasn't much "taking it slow." Which in my opinion may have not been the best choice

    Throughout the past 6 months now I felt that our connection and relationship was stronger than ever before, we got into a few fights, but we would work past them together. We were very intimate together and we were very close. We made plans for a future together and we were both very serious about those plans. However, a few days ago now, she said that our personalities are too different, which I disagree with completely. And that we were TOO close, however she had never shown any signs of that being the case until the past week. She also told me that I was 100% dedicated to our relationship and she was 95% in but there was something missing and she doesn't know what, but she needed time to find what that is. It was all very out of the blue and unexpected on my end. After a lot of talking and crying from her, she said that she wanted to just be friends, but still wanted to talk and see what happens between us. She told me that deep down she does see a future with me and I am who she sees herself being happy with.

    To make a long story a little shorter I initiated the no contact period and told her that's what I needed. I truly do not believe it is over, and I want to show her that I can be who she wants both physically, socially and emotionally.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Pick yourself up from the breakup, and focus on yourself for the time being. When you reach out again, make sure you change the impression she may have of you at this point (she may see you as weak or needy, after the breakup and you crying). If the relationship was a meaningful one, it isn't likely that she would move on just like that either.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Great article! I'm in a situation with a woman that I've been on a few dates with but not at the point of being in a relationship. She still contacts me at least once a day but I've noticed the interactions have definitely faded (used to be constant, now hours between replies etc). Basically I think I was a bit needy and it's pushed her back. Would you suggest following the steps here in this situation? - still cut off ties for no contact period etc.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If it has only been a few dates, no contact isn't the best idea. Perhaps instead, lower the frequency of texting but keep it on meaningful topics. Consider asking her out and going on a physical date to clear her developing negative emotions towards you and shift it away from being needy.

      Reply
  • Nate

    My name is Nate. I have a bit of a problem that is special and I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend and I had a series of arguments that was never resolved. For the most part, I identify it is communication issues and because I showered her with love. Although our 1 year was around the corner, we agreed to break up then. Right after the agreement she looked through my phone. I pissed off my girlfriend a few days ago, when she discovered some porn on said phone. She started ignoring me, eventually telling me this is too much to take in an is overwhelmed. Knowing if I say anything I would make her more confused, I started no contact. But here is where it is special. We both have a 17-hour flight in three days and we cannot change the tickets. What should be done in this case?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there is going to be a trip coming up, I would suggest talking to her and trying to iron things out.

      Reply
  • Frank

    I have had a relationship of 4 months.
    During the relationship I was very jealous, specifically on her ex (he broke up with her 1 year and 5 months before after having a relationship of 20 moths)
    They are in the same youth movement and still had contaIct.
    They chat frequently and see each other weekly.
    When they were camping together for a week, I sent her a lot of messages (way too much, about me being afraid to lose her and things like that).
    I was jealous and afraid to lose her.
    I broke up with her impulsive during that week via SMS.
    I already regretted the day after, but she did not want me back.
    A couple of weeks later she does not want me to have contact anymore and she says that we have to live our own life.

    I have said to accept her choice and not to contact her anymore. I also intend to do this.
    I have not seen her yet in real life since I broke up trough texting.
    Maybe she is not completely over her ex?
    Is there a chance that she gives me a new chance?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Spend some time in no contact for now, and see what happens next. If she is not over her ex, it would be difficult for the relationship to continue since your insecurities would always be around and there's the off chance something happens. Reach out to her after a couple of weeks and from there, you'd be able to gauge your chances again based on how she responds towards you.

      Reply
  • Pat

    Hi, my situation is odd. Me and my ex gf dated for about 6 years, I broke up with her two years ago, but we reconnected last year. We were seeing eachother almost daily. Movies, dinners and sex, yet it was casual. This went on up until the beginning of the year when she met someone and is now in a relationship. 2 months ago I begged and pleaded for another chance, she said no and asked me to leave her alone. A week after that I sent a clean slate message, no reply. A week after that, I messaged with a question which led to a short nice conversation, a week after that we were messaging daily about random memories and up till now we message about our sexual past etc. The thing is she still has this boyfriend and she is still trying to make it work with him. Should I start with no contact?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Would probably be the better alternative in this case, especially if she's trying to make things work with her partner. Even if you're able to connect with her right now, the fact that her boyfriend is still around may cause her to distance herself and even cut you off completely in which you may lose your shot completely (even in the future). However, keep in mind that under these circumstances, it may take a while before your opportunity arises again, and you may want to consider walking away completely if you don't think you have the patience to wait it out.

      Reply
  • Steve

    I started the no contact thing, then after 3 days i seen her out when i was drunk, she is meeting back up with her ex before me, we were together a year and things were amazing, never had a single arguement, nothing, then all of a sudden it was over, but i think that was down to me going out drinking most weekends with my mates instead of spending time with her, i really think ive pushed her away even more now

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps first have a talk with her and try to figure out exactly what went wrong as often times, a relationship doesn't end just like that. It usually is caused by a build-up of one person's emotions and negative feelings towards their partner that causes them to lose hope/feelings.

      Reply
  • don

    My girlfriend and i broke up over a year ago but we have always spoke and been there for each other after the break up, we are still on speaking terms and communicate often on the phone. She doesnt want to give us a chance because of our past relationship. i have changed in a lot of ways but she thinks that we not suitable for each other. Now she has moved on with another guy but we still keep in contact. i still believe that we have something very special between us but she does not want it give us chance and she has moved on. what can i do to get back into my life?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You just have to give her the chance to notice these changes and let these actions convince her to give things a second try. If she is currently seeing someone new, remain friends with her, keep your cool, and don't let desperation or overthinking become the factors that destroy your chances because of an impulsive action.

      Reply
  • Franklin

    How can I effectively apply the no contact rule if I see my ex every week day during one class?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Avoid personal conversation and small talk, and only communicate where necessary (class discussions, etc).

      Reply
  • Nowak

    I need some help. We dated 3 months and we had so much in common. We got along great and at the start hung out every week. Then there was a gap of 2 weeks which did slow down momentum but we met and had another great date, she told me she wishes to see me again and that she wants to get past the honeymoon stage. Then came another 2 weeks past of no hang out. In the 3 months I tried to hold her hand once and her parents were there so she understandably pulled her hand away. She would later tell me that she didn't know me and her parents were in the car so I said that's fair and left it at that. Besides this she would sit close to me when we would watch movies together, but that's all no kiss. Keep in mind I'm 16 so I'm not getting into sex or passionate love with her on the 2nd or 3rd date. She told me 2 days ago she wants to go back to being friends even though we weren't friends in the first place, she says she's busy with school and we are young and should do other things. She's the one that came up to me and asked me out because she thought I was cute. I really like her but now she doesn't look at me the same way and has moved on at least from what I see, I tried to be respectable about it and told her that I took her for granted and I understand. She told me it wasn't my fault and that would should just be young and do school stuff. I really like her and have never found a girl this in common with me and needless to say I do have a love for her. What do I do to get her back? I stayed in school mostly to impress her and now I'm considering dropping out and moving on to other things but I can't get her out of my head. I plan on not talking to her for a week or 2 for my own development and to clear my head space. What's the course of action here?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Clearing your head would be the best plan here, as well as picking yourself up from the breakup. Keep in mind that at your age (and hers), frequencies change very fast and many people are simply at the exploration stage and aren't willing to go into anything too serious.

      Reply
  • TIFFANY Bartlett

    I am the one that GOT hurt and I am the one that is being punished just because I believed in US and believed that she loved me. I can't just erase what we had and how much she means to me. I am a complete idiot because I still have feelings and I'm still here making efforts even though she is trying to hurt me and ruin my life day by day and I will never understand that but I can only hope that something click and maybe she will realize she love me or she message me or maybe she will not because you never loved me nor does she care for me there for she doesn't miss me. Maybe I was just someone that filled that void of not being lonely and single.
    ***I truly believe that when she GOT bored and I asked more of her because I wanted to further our relationship she GOT rid of me by ignoring me knowing how amazing would take it... I will either hear from her soon or never ever hear from her. Either one is OK because it's out of my control. You can't make someone love you.
    I have less than 5 days before my life is ruined by my actions. I guess I will see what I mean to her. I will lose my Job that I worked so hard for, but it's my fault so whatever. Although she knew that I would respond this way and she was waiting and ready for it... True love sucks. I hope other people have a better experience than I did. It ruined my life as of now, but that could also be the exact opposite and could be the most amazing thing in my life... I don't know what it's going to be because my hands are tied...

    Reply
  • Gustavo

    My girlfriend asked for space after 1 month of a serious relationship.

    She did not explain to me the causes, but i accepted. She started to treat me cold and gross, and doing some stuff that i didn't like.

    After 20 days of space, i asked her how much more time did she need, and she answered very gross. After all,i decided to dump her. We both agree to be friends

    Since that day (5 days ago) i am doing NC, and posting my new accomplishments on social media. I discovered that she is passing through family problems as well.

    And she is posting some stuff about love being delusional, is she moving on ?

    So, what should i do now ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Posting stuff about 'love being delusional' sounds more like she is going through a mixture of emotions rather than moving on. I would recommend waiting for 2-3 weeks before contacting her again if you intend to reach out.

      Reply
  • Matt

    Hi,
    My ex and i were in a relationship 8 years ago and we haven't spoke since then, Things have recently changed and we have been talking to each other and met up a few times, but all of a sudden she turns round to me and says that her life has suddenly gotten busy and hasn't got any free time.
    I haven't spoken to her for about a month now but i don't know what to do, Should i contact her or not?
    I want to get back with her as we have both changed and i think things could be different (in a good way) than it was years ago

    Please can you help me?

    Thanks,

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you still want to give it another shot, I would suggest reaching out to her but not in a pushy or overbearing way, and slowly reconnecting at a comfortable pace.

      Reply
  • Ben Tyler

    My current situation is a combination of multiple things.
    1.She cheated and left me for guy she cheated with
    2. She and her new bf told me never to contact her again; threatening Legal actions
    3.She moved to Atlanta with him July 19th (She left me May 7th and "officially" dated him the 10th and moved in together June 22nd)
    4.After a period of NC, i texted her last Sunday and her response was.."Toxic"..

    I'm sure this sounds like a textbook "Rebound Relationship".She has posted no pictures of them together on social media.(Her Facebook status still says "Single" to this day). Is there any way I am able to get her back in my life and be back in hers?
    P.S. We were Engaged

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with no contact for now, since it has come to this extent and she is not interested at this time to respond to you. If the relationship was a meaningful one, there's probably still a chance but if she was the one who cheated and still hasn't felt guilty or apologetic for doing so, perhaps you might want to consider if you still want to be with her or not.

      Reply
    • Ben Tyler

      Any specific playbook i should follow from this site?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's no specific playbook for your circumstances, but the best advice I can give is to simply focus on yourself right now, make positive and obvious changes to your life, and just genuinely focus on being happy again. Don't simply wait around for an opportunity to come by but instead, let the opportunity (should it present itself) become a bonus to the life you're building towards.

      Reply
  • Jacob

    Long story short m. Met in high school, dated two weeks.. a year later, started talking again, 6 months later had an AMAZING year and 8 month relationship. Broke up due to “religious differences and she wants to get her life together” (since we are still 19)... the pain sucks.. it’s beem 3 or 4 months since she dumped me. She wanted to stay in contact after the break up but that didn’t go so well when I started going through withdraws and got angry at her... I had up and down emotions which she didn’t like... she talked about her guy friends from work and how they were flirting on her since now she was single and her telling me that HURT... so then I got jealous and angry... 4 or 5 times I told her I wanted to take a break from talking... but next day I’d text her and she didn’t like that... we finally both agreed to not talk.. but I made the mistake in creating a fake Instagram account to still talk to her (lots of my friends have already given me crap for that so I understand what I did was stupid).... she found out.. when she did.. she was pissed... then... I tried going to her work to apologize but that just made her more upset and yeah... now I haven’t talked to her for a month... and I’m just wondering on what I can do? Did I ruin it? Is there still hope? I read your first step and I knew I already failed... but I know time heals... so next year or ending of this year.. begin my journey of getting back with her...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As long as you know that you're going to have to give it time, that's always a good first step forward. Your chances would depend on how meaningful the previous relationship with you was, and whether she would have let go of the incident by that time. You'll have to mentally prepare to walk away, on the off chance that she ends up moving on and isn't willing to give things another shot.

      Reply
  • Angus

    Hi, I really need your help.
    I am 19 years old and my first love dumped me in early June. At that time I just could not accept the breakup and I kept texting and finding her for forgiving me. Nevertheless, I also said some bad words about her publicly on instagram and she saw all these words. I did that because I was too grieve. Two weeks after the breakup, I discovered she deleted all the posts on instagram and heard from her friend that she drunk alcohol herself in the previous night and I whatsapp her and asked how she was. But she just blamed me why I said some bad words about her but now came back to her and cared about her. This was the time I started the no contact rule. I did not reply to her until a month later in mid July. I apologized for my childishness and she just replied me ‘ok’. I just kept imporing for her love and told her I still love her so much afterwards. Our last conversation was on 27 July. Although she is not a flawless girl with quite a lot of flaws, only she gave me a special feeling of love. Therefore, I have a determined decision that I want her back. But I do not know what can I do now and I heard from my friends that she may be in a rebound relationship which started one and a half month following our breakup. Yesterday I knew that she was participating in some university orientation programmes and I went to the venue to make myself appear in front of her, but she just ran away when she saw me. I really would like to ask her why she ran away when seeing me, but I know it’s useless and would not help in getting her back. I really need your invaluable advice on what I can do now and in the coming future and what my mentality should be in order to get her back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It sounds like she isn’t ready to face you yet, and you might want to consider either giving her more time before reaching out again or deciding to walk away because it may take awhile for her to feel ready to face you again.

      Reply
  • Marc

    Just a quick question: my ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago and after 10 days of no contact I wrote her a letter and saw her, we talked about the letter and about life in general. The letter I wrote was full of “I will always love you and still love you” kind of things. We both agreed on giving us more time before we contact and see each other again after that. I texted her one week later and never got a reply,she didnt even read it. I was stupid I know. Since then I’m in no contact again and I’m on day 13 right now, going for 30.
    Do you think the no contact will still work? And after no contact is it okay to write her another letter as you advice in your mails and on your website or should I text her? Because I already did write her a letter. Thanks for the article I like it a lot!!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you've already written the letter once, a text would be better this time around. No contact would probably still work as long as both parties genuinely needed some time before talking things out again.

      Reply
  • Adrian

    My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 months then we break up. I was so desperate so I beg her but I never got her back. The issue was my anger management problem. She is so angry and block my social media. I worked in the same office and share the same working space with her. After breakup, I follow anger management therapy sessions.

    For my case:
    1. How long no contact I should go? 1 month or shorter/longer?
    2. Do i need to do something different, since we share same working space in the office? (We are also in the same department)

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      3 weeks would be ideal considering the length of the relationship, and since you have to continue to face your ex in the meantime, keep personal conversation to a minimum and only communicate on a professional level until no contact period is over.

      Reply
  • Rdot

    Hi guys,
    Love this article and exactly what I been looking for. I been with this girl 7 years and to be honest it's not been an easy 7 years we have a five year old son and split up about a month ago she initiated the no contact for about two weeks and it made me realise how much I do love her. She got back in contact thongs looked good for a couple days I said I'd change she said she needed some time to think now she's saying she definitely doesn't want to be me and the done the ol'pleading trick saying I couldn't I've without her. I've now found this article and wondering where I should start she's saying it's over for good and people never change. Should I start no contact ASAP?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People don't change overnight and that's why she probably doesn't buy it. There's still a chance if you're able to show her the changes, but it requires time to actually go about making them in the first place, and that's what I suggest you should do in the meantime.

      Reply
  • Jay

    Hi! Seeking some guidance, I'm alll for all the above stages and steps and approach. I understand how NC changes the landscape, lets her think about me, and hopefully miss me. I understand how in that time I must focus on me, be social, spend time with loved ones and so forth. I understand being subtle and I believe the methods described can lead to success.

    In my case, I was coming out of a relationship of 2.5 years, when at work I met someone in a very organic way, I didn't pursue her, I think we both effortlessly came together. My relationship with this new girl was incredibly exciting, fun, and adventurous. I made sure to let her know as soon as I could, that I was still involved with someone, but that I thought that relationship was soon coming to an end.

    My relationship with the new girl only lasted about 4 months, a short time, yes! After the first two months, I walked away from my longer term relationship, cut things off, grew a lot closer with the new girl, month 3 with the new girl was great, just her and I and a lot of fun.

    Then my old girl came looking for me, texting, aeeking attention... the moment I gave her the least bit of attention, she began telling me how bad things were for her, family problems, dark thoughts etc, I caved in and saw her again... not necessarily in a romantic way, but in a number of occasions we hung out again. My new girl eventually got fed up with it. To coincide with all of this, I had a serious issue at work, where I had to walk away from the job. The job by the way is a temporary assignment, the new girl is only here for the duration of the project then flies back home to California, I'm in NY. So, the new girl slowly pulled back, taking longer and longer to respond to me, making leas time for me. On one of the last occasions we hung out, She witnessed I lost a bit of my composure after a long nite out, she saw me be messy, stressed, tired and a bit emotional.-Not the confident guy she couldn't get her eyes off at first. She pulled back further. I reached out like a gentleman on maybe 2 or 3 occasions. Twice in person, where with dignity I explained I cared for her, wanted her, would do things differently, would not see the other girl again ( something I had not promised before )- and that I wanted another chance. She was cold.

    I've since stopped reaching out. Before learning of this site I had begun NC.. it's been two weeks if NC, not the longest period, occaiosnally I feel slight doubts, she's super attractive and can easily meet other people to be with. The main problem right now is, she leaves you california in two weeks, I would love nothing more than the opportunity to spend time with her before she leaves. I feel the distance between us, couples with NC will makes it easier for her to move forward and not entertain the idea of a relationship.

    Should I reach out before she leaves, or is it smarter to allow her the opportunity to contact me before she leaves? And if she doesn't contact me, we'll then maybe double or triple up on the NC?

    Bottom line is, I want her back. I messed up, but not in the most horrible way imaginable.

    Please advise.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reach out to her before she leaves, but then you're still faced with the problem of her actually leaving. It might be a better idea to consider a fresh start upon her return to California but perhaps get in touch just before she leaves to wish her well and to maintain a friendly channel of communication.

      Reply
  • Will

    I was dating a girl for 2 months. We were hanging out 2-3 times a week and going on great dates (like really fun high quality dates). We have a lot in common and enjoy almost all of the same things. We would hold hands, make out, cuddle and talk all the time. Before the break she asked me if I was still dating anyone else and I told her I had stopped seeing other girls the previous week. We continued to see eachother for 2 weeks after that and were now to the point we were going out every other day. We were out with some of her friends and I noticed her texting another guy. When we were leaving (holding hands) I asked her about it and she said I thought you were still seeing other people too. I told her no and that I was thinking about asking her to be my gf. She freaked out and quickly got in her car and left after a kiss goodbye. She said she would text me the day. She did saying she wasn't ready to take it further. A little background. She has been single for 5 years and I broke up with my ex 8 months ago. I have sent her some texts the Las few days. Nothing mean or angry. Nothing overly sad or pity seeking. Mostly just asking her why. I've gotten a few responces but they are most vague and short. We have never fought or butted heads at all before. I'm just curious. Will this system work in my situation and if I should use timeline? Considering she wasn't actually my gf are there any changes to the system I should make? She is really great and I can great potential with her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      With such a short timeline, NC might not be the best idea. Instead try communicating with her after giving her a couple of days of space, and try to first work things out.

      Reply
  • Bryan

    Hi Ryan,

    Just want to say a massive thanks for the website and advice you've given. Here's the low down on my situation. My ex and I officially ended just over 3 months ago, she ended it with me because she said she didn't think she could give me what she believes I deserve. So I actually started NC and was working my way through bettering myself and she texted me 3 days into it and said she thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life and she wanted me. I took that as she wanted to try to work on things, so started talking again but things still didn't quite seem right with her. A month later she ended it again, so I started NC again. NC has helped me a lot and helped me realise what I needed to work on. My ex would send me the occasional message, which I gave short but not rude answers to. Fast forward to now and I felt like it was time to send the elephant in the room text, which I did. She responded back to me and thanked me for the kind words and the apology but she also said "If I'm honest I don't think it's the end but maybe that's my problem". I responded back and thanked her for her kind words and just said it's not always the end but it's good to reset and start fresh. She then said, "Sometimes it is the end with people. I don't feel like it is this time". Now, I took all of that talk to be very positive that she is thinking about me and has thought long and hard about us. I ended the conversation on a positive note, to which she said take care of yourself. What I'm wondering is, is she getting confused because I've said I accepted the end of our relationship? Does she think I want nothing to do with her? Should I clarify that or just take the 5 days and message again? Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she feels that it isn't the end yet, it definitely goes to show that she still has feelings and since you've already said it was better to start on a fresh page, I'm sure she understands the implications of 'accepting the breakup'. Continue talking to her in the meantime, and slowly work on gaining a comfortable channel of communication and even throw in a little flirting here and there to spark her interest further.

      Reply
  • Lee

    Hey,

    My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago after we were together for a little over 2 months. I really thought is was something special because we were doing really well together. He suddenly broke up with me through text saying she had a lot going on and I talked with her in person later asking her if she just lost interest in me and she said she didn’t she was just busy. A few days later I tried to talk to her again but it didn’t work and I started no contact with her. Recently I’ve sent her a snap on Snapchat every now and then of what’s going on in my life. She doesn’t use social media much but she always opens my snaps really quickly sometimes within the minute, but she never replies. I really liked this girl and I feel that we could still get back together and make it last, but I’m completely lost on what to do.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider moving on given the length of the relationship, that she may not have been entirely serious about it which led to her losing interest over time.

      Reply
  • Lewis

    Hey there, need some major help. Girlfriend and I broke up about a little over a month ago. Shortly after she had moved about 5 hours. We kind of felt off into a relationship quickly, shortly after knowing one another and we never really took the time to become friends beforehand. Anyways, my ex told me that she needs time to heal her self and mind after a strenuous past. We took a vacation about a week after our breakup because it was already planned out and paid for, so we still went. That was almost a month ago now. My ex has since been back home and has met someone new. She’s been seeing him rather often over the past two weeks or so and is in the early stages of possibly becoming a relationship. The kicker is that her and I also just found out a few days ago now that she is pregnant with my child. Stemming from our vacation earlier. She informed the new guy of this but he still wants to stick around and get with her. I want my girl back and have the chance to start a family though. The problem is that’s since our breakup I haven’t committed to no contact at all. In fact, I’ve basically been pushing her away more and more with thoughts of getting back together again. She claims she just wants me to be her friend right now and that the future is unknown. Now that a kid is possibly involved I have so much more on my mind. She has become more serious with this new guy and I do believe they have begun a sexual relationship to an extent. She says I will be informed off all the important things throughout the pregnancy and be there for the doctor visits. I’m at a disadvantage seeing as the new guy lives near her and he apparently is bringing her peace and happiness. While all her and I did was bicker and argue when we communicate. Due to me wanting her back so badly but her wanting space. I need some serious help. I’m losing sleep at night and constantly anxious. I feel depressed and feel like it’s impossible to function. She says she does have love for me and that I am always going to be a staple in her life because I am now going to be the father of her child. But it kills me knowing that she’s growing closer and closer to someone new while I’m so far away. I need your help desperately. I want to be a family and she has acknowledge the potential for that is there, but she just isn’t flirting with that idea at the moment because she is entertaining the idea of something with this new guy.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Firstly, you're going to have to pick yourself up from this emotional state you're in because it's not going to do anyone any good in the long run. Clear your head and distract yourself for the time being, and start NC as well, with the exception of important stuff such as doctor visits and conversations regarding the pregnancy. As the pregnancy progresses, things would potentially change as well, such as her having thoughts of wanting a complete family, and even the potential chance that the new guy she's seeing doesn't stick around. All these may happen in the near future, but you're going to have to first get to a stable emotional state if you want any shot of winning her back.

      Reply
  • Mark

    Hi, I’ve read over your articles along with a few others and have soaked up a lot of information. My ex and I broke up roughly 2 months ago. After the break up I made the common mistakes of acting desperate and needy, and as a result I ended up pushing her away, with her not wanting to talk anymore, that was one week after the break up. It’s been about 5 weeks since then of NC, so I took your advice and sent the elephant in the room text. Now what do I do? Also, what if she doesn’t respond?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she doesn't respond, it would mean she hasn't let go of the past yet and isn't ready to talk to you. It would be best to go back into NC if that's the case for a couple more weeks before contacting her. If its the same result, then it becomes a waiting game to see when she's ready to face you, or when you decide to move on (whichever comes first).

      Reply
  • Jason

    My gf broke up with me at the start of July. Her reason for breaking up was literally listed in your article: insecurity which lead to loss of attraction. Well that among other things but that was the biggest reason. She has always been one to avoid conflict so always sticks to text when things get heated. As a result, she blocked my number and I can't text or call her at all.
    I'm not going to lie - I also made all the mistakes that you listed which showed weakness, neediness and desperation. I also went as far as waiting outside her work place 2 weeks ago and eventually when she did come out, she literally ran from me. I found a way to contact her last week and it got her to unblock me temporarily and after a day of back and forth texting, she reluctantly agreed to meet up. I apologised for the dumb things I did post break up but she said she will never forgive me for following her after work that day. Despite all that, we had dinner and had a nice talk about our old memories and the night ended with us agreeing to go back into the 'seeing each other' phase so she can see the changes in me and if she likes what she sees, we'll get back together at the start of August. She did tell me that same night that she is indeed seeing someone else however she said she doesn't see it going anywhere. The next night she messaged me that she didn't see a connection and told me to respect her wishes and move on. I tried pleading again (I know I shouldn't have) and she started telling me off about that incident after work 2 weeks ago and said that she will never forgive me and it got to the point of childish name calling and I lost my temper and argued with her, letting out everything I disliked about her in a series of angry texts cos she won't talk on the phone or in person. In the end, I told her I was done and she told me to stay out of her life and she wanted nothing to do with me then re-blocked me. The following 2 days I was okay because I thought that I dodged a bullet and was relieved cos she genuinely has a lot of personal and messed up issues. Now however, I'm feeling a lot of regret and I genuinely would do anything to get her back the right way. Our relationship was only 6 months but she has changed me for the better and she motivated me to become healthier and I miss her terribly.

    Is there still a way back?

    Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go into NC for now and take some time to figure out if you wanting her back is due to the mental realization that you're about to lose her (we all want what we can't have) or if you genuinely still want to be with her. If you still want her back after, my suggestion would be to ease into it and slowly gain her trust again but only after she has let go of the negative emotions she feels towards you regarding everything that happened during the breakup.

      Reply
  • Nick

    My ex and I broke up about a week and a half ago and we broke up because of long distance. We broke up because she lost interest because she is too distracted at camp and wants to live her life at camp. She is away at camp for another month and I believe that when she gets back she will realize that she made a mistake and will be upset. If she is upset should I text her and ask her to give it another shot?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I suggest waiting some time after she comes back before you attempt to contact her. Whether you should give it another shot is entirely up to you and whether you still want the relationship or not at that stage.

      Reply
  • Jr.

    Amazing article. After reading comment and articles looks like we all have a similar yet different situation. Here is mine.
    Been together with my girlfriend/fiance for 9 years. dating for 6 engaged for 3. After her father passed away from stroke, she feels responsible for her mother and niece. After that event, things started to spiral down for us as she was busy with time away from us to help out with family and niece. Time for ourselves has been an issue for the longest. We've been trying to to work things out for the longest but nothing seems to work. We broke up this past weekend. She said there is this awkwardness that she doesn't tknow why, when we hang out. She's tried to work things out by staying and giving time but it just want helping. So, we are broken up/taking a time apart to find ourselves and figure what that awkwardness is was. We had a connection but it isn't there anymore. She tells me no matter what she loves me and that she wants me to work on things I want. She also mentioned it might not be right what she is doing taking a break but trying to do what's best for us. The break up has been rough and emotional all day and night. After reading the article it has helped me feel a calmness as I know this is normal what I am going through. I did talk to her for moment 3 days after the break up and it was the same thing. Time apart would help, she want me to do my things to make me happy. My problem or concerns is that I want her back but unsure of the future. I do think I have a good shot of having her again. But I will follow the guidelines. I won't wait the 30 days maybe a couple weeks before reaching out. And taking it slow and steady from there. Any other advise you suggest. After 9 years, I don't think we can throw our relationship away. I just think we "fought" for a long time and tried every thing that we kinda grew apart, became needy or accustomed to us. Maybe being apart will discover something else. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      A relationship that long is definitely worth saving or at least, attempting to save it. Keep in mind that a relationship this long also means that both parties may have a change in frequencies/priorities over time that has become different from each other. This could possibly be why you feel the awkwardness in the relationship and it may do well taking some time off as you've mentioned to figure things out before meeting up to discuss about what you both want from the relationship and to see if things can be worked on or not.

      Reply
  • John

    Hi
    My girlfriend broke up with me about 5 weeks back and I have shown desperation and pushed her away badly for two weeks. Initially she was ready to meet and discuss but asked for Time and Space. With all my desperation she was quite upset and sent a final message that there is nothing more to discuss and she made a final decision which I should respect. She said she would contact me with place and date to exchange our stuff. After seeing that I left a voice message crying like a baby. That was the last communication between us.

    It has been 3 weeks now and there is no contacts between us. 10 days back while her chat window was open on my phone, some junk text was sent by mistake and I immediately deleted it.

    My questions - now that we are in No Contact mode,
    1. Will she ever contact me after my crybaby scene
    2. Does that junk text and deletion break No Contact and should I reset from that moment
    3. As she said she would contact for exchange of stuff, should I never contact before she contacts.

    As a whole, is there any chance of her getting back to me. I gave a background of our breakup in other message.

    Many thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It really depends on how she views you at the moment that would determine your chances. Based on what you've said, its most likely that you'll need to give her enough time to let go of that negative image she has of you, and you're going to have to put in effort in being patient as well as keeping up with your appearances when you talk to her in the future to slowly shape her perception of you away from the desperate crying image to someone she would consider starting over with. The junk text would not have broken NC but you might still want to consider waiting more than 30 days because of how things ended the last time. Perhaps it would be better as you've said to wait for her to contact first instead of you making the first move.

      Reply
  • Nils

    Hi again,
    So far so good. I found a way to reach out and meet her again. I kept my cool pretty well. During my NC time of about 4 weeks, I read books on confidence, self-esteem, relationships and communication. I went out with her first once, it was great. Then another time just a few days later. Today was the third time. In all the times, we had a good time. Today we talked about us again. She said she acknowledges my changes so far, because I know I learned a lot about empathy. But she also said, she doesn't quite fully believe in whether I truly changed. She is a really attractive and confident girl and I know, if she wanted, she could find someone new. I have told her that honestly I want her back, but I fully understand how bad I have been acting before. Prior to today I showed her my complete apology and she was quite happy about it. I also told her today that there would be only one way to be with her again, with a new myself and much more commitment and responsibility.

    I feel really confident in succeeding again, however I still have some moments in which i doubt or imagine i would fail and, to be honest, my heart is aching when considering it. I understand this means that i fully love her.

    My question is: Should I proceed with my dates as I'm currently doing? When should I take the step to directly ask her to be back again? What if she rejects me or finds someone else?

    Thank you again so much for the existence of this article. So far it feels like it pushed me closer to success than ever before.

    Reply
  • Bob

    Does the same system apply if we are on a break from each other and not a break up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on the issue at hand. Generally speaking, it isn't recommend because a break would imply a chance of getting back together after the break has passed, and going into NC and following the system would probably guarantee a breakup 'first' before winning her back again later on.

      Reply
    • Bob

      If it isn't off topic, what would be recommended if it's a temporary break? Would following the steps without NC work?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If its a temporary break, perhaps instead of going one month of NC, maybe give it a week of space, before meeting up to discuss about the relationship. Ideally you'd want to find a way for both parties to meet eye to eye on the issues that led to the break in the first place and work on them together.

      Reply
  • John

    I’ve been broken up now for about 5 months but still can’t stop thinking about my ex. Initially I went through all the grief stages. I wasn’t desperate, texting her all the time trying to get back with her, I tried accepting it. There was really only one time where I texted her telling her I wanted to be with her, and she declined telling me she had to figure out what she wanted in the future. I went about 3 months without texting her, before texting her about how she has been doing and what was new in her life. That was about two weeks ago. Do I still have to make an elephant in the room letter? I feel like by now she would think that I’ve accepted the breakup.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may be best not to assume that she would think that way, since the last time you contacted her was to ask her to get back together, despite being 3 months ago (before the recent one). Based on how she responded to you as well in the message sent 2 weeks ago, perhaps use that as a gauge on how you should proceed and whether it would be a good idea to send the elephant in the room letter.

      Reply
  • Carl

    Hi, my situation is a little different, and I was wondering if any parts of this system may still apply to me. I really hit things off with a girl, but I was not at a point where I felt comfortable having a committed relationship. She really wanted to be with me, and I made it clear to her that I liked her, but I just couldn't do it. We never officially "dated," but it was essentially a relationship in everything but name. Now, about a year later, I told her that I'm ready for an actual relationship, but she feels like she has put so much work into getting over me, that she wouldn't be able to feel that way again. She's made it clear that she likes the idea of dating me, but she doesn't think it would be good for her. Is there anything I can do to help her feel like I would still be a worthwhile dating option?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You're probably going to have to do the chasing this time, and convince her that you'd be a worthwhile partner. Similar to how you'd win a person's heart, you're going to have to win hers if you want her to re-consider her fears and accept you.

      Reply
  • Leo

    Haha it works guys, I looked at this shit every single day. All of your comments are just crying and you guys all want to take short cuts. Follow it step by step. Don’t skip anything and don’t think that you are better than the system.

    Reply
  • Matt

    Hi

    Great article! My girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up about 2 months ago and in order to get her back i have started to go over your list. We broke up because we have been growing apart, there was just a really unfortunate disconnection and i thought it would be possible to give her some time and try to re kindle the romance.

    I have been texting with her for about a month now and we arranged a meeting last week which went pretty well and a couple of days later i asked her out on a date, which was yesterday.
    We went out and all was good until she kinda closed up (no hand holding, no touching...) and the end of the date she told me that it feels like we are dating and she is not ready and anyways she is not sure she would want to date me once she will be ready. I told her that i understand and i will give her time and space in order to pull herself together.
    My question is, what is the best course of action here? should i just live my life until she will be ready? Should i keep writing to her every now and then so our connection would not be lost? Do i start a no contact period again?

    Thanks for the help!
    Matt

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As you've said, things went well except perhaps she may have felt a little pressure from your body language at that point which made her close up. You could always continue the conversations but at a slow casual pace and re-develop the habit of being comfortable around one another at her pace.

      Reply
    • Matt

      Since then we have talked on the phone once, she said to me again that once she is ready to date she most likely wont want to date me, since im her ex and we need to move forward in our lives... Im not sure this will ever work out :(

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She may have said this but emotionally may end up feeling otherwise, if you are able to charm her once again and manage to re-ignite the spark. It may not be easy and she may even react in a guarded manner, but if you're willing to pace things out and you're patient, there's always still a chance. However, sometimes it may simply be easier to move on especially if your ex feels this way because there's no guarantee on how long it'll take.

      Reply
  • Han

    Hi,
    I just loved the article.

    Me and my Girlfriend broke up 5 days ago.

    She might get married soon in maybe 4-6 months. There are guys who are eyeing her like Hawks already.

    I have decided to go NO Contact for 10 days. She had a Boyfriend before me and she has the tendency to move on easily.

    So I don't have 30 or 60 days for No Contact.

    I need to change soon.

    I was angry
    Didnt understand her.
    We lacked communication and fought

    I was the angry and insecure guy with too much of love and affection showering but with no negative intention.

    Now I have changed. As we fought 4-5 times over a period of 5 months. Yes. It was a 5 months relationship.

    So I have decided not to get Angry, at least listen her views, no to manage her day and ask why is she at her friends place late night etc. .

    This is my ground rule while talking.

    Now I will make contact in a week's time for 3 days straight and see if she replies. .

    Even if she doesn't reply I have decided to go and meet her at her place as a surprise and confess all my mistakes. .I have to be there on a particular date as she is need of some domestic help and she has only 1 friend to help her.

    I will tell her I have come to help but not a doormat and to get her back , I am accepting my mistakes and I need to talk to her.
    She can't friendzoned me as I already told her that s not what I will accept during breakup.

    She broke up only Because

    We fought badly
    We had communication issues
    We didn't listen to each other
    She lost respect in the relation after each fight.

    But We did have a great time.

    My mistakes were.

    - Getting clingy

    - Being unable to accept her suggestions or improvise on them like the way of talking etc.

    - And we both had a common problem while discussing. .we both hold up our guns and don't accept each other's points.

    - I never accepted my mistakes and neither did she.

    But on a deeper thought. Those arguments were always because of me.

    Will this fast track plan work ?

    I have actually understood my mistakes . I cant disappear too long from her life as there are friends of hers who will persuade her to meet other guys as soon as possible as she has to get married soon.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Unfortunately, this fast track would probably not work given that no contact was structured at 30-60 day for a reason, and this fast track basically defeats that entire purpose.

      Firstly, when a relationship ends, there are usually negative emotions involved, and having NC for a period of one month gives both parties enough space to actually let go of these negative emotions and be more receptive to the other person when they contact again. Secondly, NC is a test to determine whether the relationship was actually meaningful enough to her, that she doesn't move on this quickly - a relationship that has had a significant impact on the other person wouldn't have them moving on in just 10 days, and if they do, it just means that the relationship wasn't significant enough to them, or that they have commitment issues. Third, NC is set about making positive and permanent changes in your life to adjust to the mistakes that were made during the relationship. What you feel right now is simply the regret felt after breaking up, and you've only had a change of heart. You ultimately want to actually make these changes FIRST before going back to your ex. Just because we have a change of heart doesn't mean we'll be able to control our actions and emotions when a similar issue arises in the future (which will definitely happen) and we make the same mistakes again. Finally, even if you think it's a sweet gesture, wanting to do all these things that you've mentioned IS a sign of desperation and neediness, and would most probably end up pushing her away or she might even think of you as a creepy and not being able to take a hint - keep in mind that our actions are perceived very differently depending on whether someone is smitten with you, and someone who is feeling negative about you.

      Reply
    • Juan

      Ryan couldnt be so right, i remember when she left me a few times i would cry and beg my wife and she was still in love with me then and took me back. Now that she has no feelings towards me and we seperated crying and begging to her looks like a random stranger asking her to date.

      Reply
  • Ramone

    What if you contact her after a month and she hasn't healed like I have but is now the one who should be reading this article? She's clearly already had her date. Does she need NC? If I want to get back with her, should I try to work through those problems with her or insist she do it on her own? This was actually a problem earlier in our relationship before we ended it. She wanted to keep going and work through it but I thought we had to do it on our own.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If that was the case, I would assume that you ended the relationship previously. Going along those lines, she was probably hurt that you didn't want to work things out together and has lost trust in you as well. In that scenario, you could either try to get through to her and convince her that you're willing to work on things together and regain her trust again, or decide to leave her be until she's ready to face you once more before working things out. This would depend entirely on what you feel is best for your case because every relationship and how it ended is different from the next.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    I really need your help

    Reply
    • SillyWillly

      I understand the problem you're having because I've been there. Listening to this guide has helped me gain a little perspective on what's going on with my ex and I think some responses are short or skipped because it's full of grieving guys like us. Are you in the mindset they recommend you trying to get to? This would mean you're okay with your ex gaining perspective and letting yourself do the same. I wondered if the people they meant to address were more on the broken up with side rather than the side that may already have had the more dominant role but I can see them trying to help both side with the same approach. I would suggest focusing on yourself and trying to forgive her for exploring her options. If she's still with this guy, she's not certain on you(assuming you'd be monogamous otherwise). Maybe when you're at your healthiest place over the next few days, you can tell her honestly how you feel what what you hope to accomplish with no contact. I would keep this very brief. You might feel it's a risk and that it's like telling her it's okay for her to get more serious with this guy with the right perspective. Maybe you don't trust that she'll make that decision well and she'll get further from you. I think the no contact says enough on it's own and can prevent you from feeling that you pushed her away by explaining things incorrectly later. I left my ex a letter before I truly dedicated myself to no contact because I didn't want her to think I was just moving on and that was her queue to try and distract herself with some guy. I told her how I felt and paid attention to the objectives of the article aiming for a tentative rundown of what I was overcoming and how I was responding to her dating. What killed me was knowing that she'd struggle to talk with me and be away from me when we were together in person but would talk later and seemed to have regained her resolve. I didn't deserve to be swept into her confusion and doing something like telling her your feelings now to only have that come later is part of what the articles aim to steer you from. It's possible that I helped myself with the letter but breaking no contact can keep her from missing you or learning to forgive the negative aspects of the relationship. Every time you talk now, it will remind her of her recent decision. I would just leave it and possibly even delete her from social media. That seemed to tear my ex up the most. I also think if she's on social media posting her new relationship and still messaging you about certain things, you could be better off than me. It falls into their signs of a rebound. You should come back to the site if you're not feeling strong about the NC or your development during and take more from the articles and other comments to apply to your situation.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    Ryan how come you skipped my questions below ?

    Reply
  • Nils

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for this article.
    I had one question: What if, in stage 3, she does not reply to the text message after at least five days? Do we message her again then or how should we proceed?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go back into no contact for a week or two before trying again. The whole point of this stage is to get her to talk to you normally and not have her guard up. By being too frequent in your texting despite her not answering would only further her guard or even cause her to block your number.

      Reply
    • Nils

      Thank you so much for your reply.
      I really wanna get back with her and I've been following the advice in this article thus far. I have improved to a point where I clearly understood what I did wrong and i am even experiencing an unusual rush of confidence, a bit of a "knowing" that we will get back. I had my best relationship ever with her and sometimes I can't believe how dumb I was not realizing what I did wrong. Besides, I know now that there is only one reason for me to get back with her - to make it last forever.
      I highly appreciate the time you take to answer all these questions. If I hit another bump in the road, I will ask again. If we get back together, I will make a celebration comment.
      Thanks again.

      Reply
  • Quayer

    Hi, Ryan. First of all, I wanna thank you for this article. I felt hopeless, everyone else was telling me (and even sort of screaming at me) to move on. I've just begun the no contact period because I've realised that everything in your article was right that I am currently desperate, needy, and insecure.

    I dated my ex for around one year and a half and it was the first relationship for both of us. There was a lot of fights because I was controlling (I forced her to do things that I thought were right) and sometimes really jealous. Because of those fights, along the way I started thinking about my old crush whom I had been in love with for more than 5 years before I started dating my ex. It made lose my attention for her so I started taking her for granted and not paying attention to her. And I also think that I did some things that made her happy because I wanted something in return because subconsciously I did. So she broke up with me. Initially I agreed and I tried to "shock" myself into moving on by just hanging out and going crazy. But it all ended when I found out she got a new boyfriend (a good friend of mine too) just three months after the breakup. I was depressed and suicidal and in the end I spoke to her. I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend or anything, just a discussion on why we broke up and all. For the next few months I was living life emptily until it happened again then followed by more emptiness. Recently her new boyfriend broke up and he might have cheated on her (intimate photos on social media) and she's decided not to have any relationship right now. I confessed to her that I still had feelings for her but was rejected. And I'm ashamed to say but I did a lot of the things in the Common Pitfalls section. I constantly texted her, I begged her, I tried to appear confident when I met her (along with other friends).

    After I begged her, she told me to give up. She said that she'll never accept me again. She said that she's okay with being friends but nothing more. Then two weeks later my best friend, who I had been sharing with and asking for help on this, told me that he might have feelings for her too and he's so much closer to her. The night before I discovered this I almost tried to commit suicide which I guess is definitely a sign of insecurity. Your article has been really helpful and it's really given me some hope.

    But the break up was over a year ago, the article mentions only as far as months. It's been so long. Is there still hope since it's this long? And I've begun no contact but I'm always anxious about my best friend because he's got a lot of advantages and I can't even contact her. I want to have hope and to go through this no contact period but sometimes I think there's no hope and I shouldn't even try. I'm at the end of my rope. What do you think?

    Thank you in advance!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on your current emotional state, no contact would still be suitable because it is ultimately meant for your personal benefit and a conscious attempt to regain your composure as well as improve on yourself. Winning your ex back would come secondary to this, because without positive changes in your life, you give your ex no added reason to come back. Keep in mind that this isn't an overnight process and it will take time, but you'll have to be patient and constantly work on keeping positive about things, perhaps even date new people first before returning as a different person. We often have the mentality of 'wanting what we can't have', and this may be a case in point especially since your waves of emotional negativity hits you hardest whenever you realize that someone else wants to go after her/has gotten together with her.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth Trying? ***************************recent update***** Hi so I’ve started the NC again and she reached out to me a couple times on snap chat.. she has been watching every single snap I make. She sent a message saying how she like a pic and another saying she had a shirt I was wearing in a old snap I posted. She tried to make conversation but I cut it short. Also she said I was dry and I said no. It’s only been maybe a week and she misses me I guess or maybe she feeling lonely being in a new city by herself .. it’s weird because her first day there she told me to leave her alone and it was none of my biz who she was dating but now that I have not been contacting her she messaged me. She asked me who I was with the day before but got upset when I asked who she was with.. lol doesn’t make sense dude.. I try not to pay attention to her social media because it drives me crazy she’s been going places with this other person. I don’t want to be gone too long because I don’t want her getting serious involved with someone else

    Reply
  • Blake

    Hi gear article thanks for posting,
    Me and my girlfriend broke up on Saturday, we ended peacefully after doing some needy things I regret however she has messaged me asking how I am today which is the following Wednesday. I have started No Contact however I don’t want her to think I’m being an ass by not replying so do I reply or just keep no contact going?
    Any help is great thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could reply but avoid prolonging the conversation. Go back into NC after your reply.

      Reply
  • Brandon

    Me and my girlfriend were together for just over 4and a half years. We had a dog and lived together. The last 6 months of our relationship I had let stress get to me and started to change and kind of become miserable. I kind of ignored her for a couple of days and just spent that time stressing out, but when I opened up to her about what I was going through I realized I wanted to stop being like that. I wanted to get back to the happy fun guy who loves life and loves being in love with her. But by that time she said basically she fell out of love with me and just wants to have to worry about herself and her own life and not stress about me. Which makes sense I showed incredible weakness and felt lost and was no longer the guys she loves. Our breakup was kind of drawn out and went from we should just go on dates and not do the relationship stuff right now, to just be friends to I need my complete space. She wants this break to be long and she is definitely having more fun now that she isnt worrying about me Which is good. I just have no idea how we would get back into contact being that she doesn't want to speak at all and don't know how she would see the change in me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For starters, in the time you've been broken up until the next point of contact, focus on making those positive changes first in your life. You can always get back into contact after the break by dropping her a text or a letter and you can use this article for more guidelines.

      Reply
  • Eric

    Hi. I just want to know if my situation has any hope or if I can't never go back with her.

    I took my girlfriend of six months for granted. During the whole time our relationship lasted, her ex was around (She was dating her ex when we met and she left him for me). Her ex was kind of the opposite of me, she was constantly telling her how beautiful she was and how perfect she was, etc.
    We broke up last week and I talk to her today and she told me that being with me made her realice she wants a guy like her ex, that she wants to be with him again. But here's the thing: He doesn't want to be back with her for now. It's like, everything you say on this page happened! He told her that he moved on, he started to improve his grades in school etc etc and now she wants him back!! Another important thing is that he doesn't leave where we do (they are both from the same town but me and her study in another city) so even if they do get back together they're going to have a long distance relationship.

    Do I have a shot at this? Should I even try?

    Reply
  • Kris S.

    Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth trying?

    Reply
  • Ajay

    Hi Ryan. Your articles is so helpful. Thank you for it. I am also in a difficult situation. I had a relationship about 2 years. I work abroad but i spend enough time at home too. We broke up 4 months back just before I was leaving home for work. She told me from beginning that if her parents wont accept our relationship i should accept that and move on. We indians have too much complication about religion and all. Both of us belonged to different religion. But i was hoping atleast she would have told to her parents about me. But she was so afraid to do so.Because her parents are very strict. I accepted her decision and broke up. I thought i will get engaged to my work and forget her slowly.

    But due to some reasons i had to comeback home within 2 weeks and I started to miss her and tried to contact her but she told me not to contact her and let her move on. I tried my best but at times I lost my cool and blamed her. I continued that wenever i got chance. Although it was not on a regular basis. But even after that she agreed to meet me once. I felt some feelings in her eyes that time so i asked her to be together again. But still her answer was no. Then I decide to go on No contact after 3 months of initial contact.Because she told me there is no feelings for me anymore. I didn't contacted her for more than 2 weeks and oneday she contacted me because of something i posted on social media. Then after a few days we again contacted. And now we are in contact for last 3 days. I told her I accepted our break up. But i still got my feelings left for her. I will be going back to work within 2 weeks. What am I supposed to do? Shall I try my best to get her back? Or just let her go? Even if I get her back what if she is still not ready to convince her parents? I am not sure wheather she is dating someone else or still single? How do I ask her that? I always felt She is the perfect match for me.Thats why I dated her at the first place. I am so confused. Have you got any advice? I will be glad to hear from you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Based on everything you've said, it would seem that you might want to honestly consider the idea of moving on, especially if religion and the deal with her parents are never going to change. You could decide to contact her and try to establish a friendly line of communication again, but I wouldn't suggest trying to win her back within these two weeks because you'll probably end up doing something reckless or desperate since you'll end up having a mental dateline to meet (before you leave).

      Reply
    • Ajay

      Thanks for your reply Ryan. I wont do any reckless act because of the dateline. I will take my time and see if anything changes. I will happily move on if nothing happens. Is that gonna be ok? Or should I completely drop the plan of getting her back and move on? I hope you can give me a clear advice on this.

      Reply
  • Bryan

    Hello Ryan, I really do appreciate your efforts on to help to get Ex back.

    I have a situation and it really complicated, me and my ex we livedin together for almost 5yrs, I’ve moved and left her several times due to arguments, then spoke with me and I spoke with her and I used to come back, this happened several times, I have hurt her physically & verbally several times as well and on February 2017 I cheated on her with 2 girl and met 2 girls as well she found out by opening my phone while I’m a sleep, before I cheated her she was in touch with a guy on social media that was on Dec 2017, I had no clue about it and we where will meeting and sleeping together even I was not living with her. on Jan 2018 where I have a situation and she shelter me again and opened her house for me and accepted me, one night while watching a vedio on her phone a message pup up from that guy saying ( you are a nice person and you deserve the best and bla bla) but it’s not really flirting message it’s more kinda comforting message, so I asked her gently who is this guy? She lied to me saying brother of my friend trying to find a work form him in the company where I work. And she got so angry with me and start to defend her self and I got so pissed and I shouted and hurt her again, since then I started to feel something wrong and she wasn’t sleeping at home saying she is mad and she is sleeping over in her sister house, still felt something wrong I tried to ask her but she got angry and too much defensive, so I started to go out almost every night and drink and hang out with different ladies, during that time I was still trying to get her back on track but it’s just didn’t work I felt jealous knowing that she is with someone else but she still too much defensive, when she found out first time about the girl I hang out with she give her self to me, but it was too late coz there was another girl I was hanging out with, so she opened my phone again and she saw the both girl in my gallery with flirting messages. So we fought and I left the house and after 2 days I came to know everything going on between her and the guy was with her and she is sleeping in he’s place way before I cheated on her I was upset again and afraid to loose her, so I started to beg and push her to come back to me for while and she ask me for a space but still we were seeing each other and every time I will push her to come back to me and tell her what I can do for her if she does, until I saw that the guy was in her house 2 days back, so went there and I fought with her and I pushed her, she was so upset and she told me you know what I makeup my mind and I will choose him over you because you will never change, I said im just loving you, but unfortunately it didn’t work, I send her few messages saying sorry still didn’t work, until I read your articles and I realized that I was so dumb to do the mistake without realizing. Today I woke up feel better and secure and confident, so she messaged me saying how am I I said I’m fine and casual talk for few minutes and I didn’t message back.
    What should I do? And can I make things right again?
    Honestly I’m way better than what I did and she always tells me I’m a good person and she knows what I did I didn’t mean to do it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be important for you to learn how to control your anger and perhaps let go of your emotions in other ways. Otherwise, even if you do succeed at winning her back, the same cycle may repeat itself whenever you get upset. Currently it would be best to work on yourself in this aspect as well as other positive changes you can make, and give her some space to get over all the negative emotions she may feel towards you that has been pent up throughout the relationship.

      Reply
  • Zash

    Hey

    My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week over a really small quarrel. I begged her to stay the first 3 days after the breakup. We met yesterday to talk things through because I knew that there had to be some underlying issues that pushed her to break up with me. She mentioned that she still loves me but maybe not as a partner as she feels too responsible for my happiness. She says she feels like I've moulded myself around her and that I am too self destructive and lack positivity. The responsibility she feels is more like what a mother feels for her child. I told her that this seemed unfair to me since she's never ever spoken to me about how she felt. And just tells me this can't be worked out out of the blue. She said that the day after we broke up, She felt lighter, because she had the option of telling me she can't be there for me if I was self destructive. She also said that she's not too sure about what she feels and will probably take a long time to figure that out. She mentioned that she still cares about me and loves me and wants me in her life. However she said she wants us to remain friends. Good friends. She gives mixed signals though. She held my hand, and called me at 4 am just to tell me how her day went. Last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours just like how we used to in the very beginning of our relationship.

    During our conversation yesterday, I told her that maybe we both need to reset. And that I want to fight for her. I told her I respected what she wanted but I wanted to work towards a future with her cus it means everything to me. And then she said that maybe she wasn't too sure about what she wanted and that maybe I'm right.. that she needs to reset. She said that she isn't gonna change her mind in the next 6 months. And that we are not getting back together. But if I show changes, she might consider it after 6 months. Having said that,she also mentioned that should anyone come her way, she wouldn't say no.

    What do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Do try to understand that while she still definitely loves you, she is also exhausted from being in a relationship with you at the same time. A relationship should see each other through thick and thin, but everyone has different capacities to what they can handle. If she feels this way about the relationship and you genuinely want her back, I would suggest giving what she felt about you being self-destructive and dependent emotionally, and figure out if its something that you can spend this time working on.

      Reply
  • Mike

    Hi.
    Me ex left me after a year of relationship, because of lot of fights we had. I beg, and beg, and beg her to get back, and she finally accepted to get back. After that, i lost my dignity, became inferior, and did everything to satisfy her. Before was dominant in relationship, sometimes too much, she sad she felt desperate sometimes because she loved me so much and felt inferior in same time, and that I took advantage of that and hurt her(never wanted that, and didn't realized that, and i'm acknowledging the mistake). She admitted that she is revenging for that. After a month of agony, after one fight, she left me again. This time I accepted the situation, and day after that we agreed to have sex from time to time, and that we can go out together. She was so happy about that, that her body language was screaming "i'm going to explode".
    We had great time since that(almost a month), great sex, great communication, and we both agreed on that. We are texting each day a lot of times, and every time she is the one to start texting. Also she admitted that sometimes she has urge to call me, just to talk, but don't want to do that because she thinks it's too much. I can see in her eyes that she is looking at me again like dominant male who can take care of her, but i ruin that sometimes with my impatience and showing too much emotions. When i want to get her in to talk about getting back, she become highly defensive and telling that there isn't good chance for that.
    I'm confused on what to do now, and how to keep myself calm to not show her how much i need her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give her time to reconsider and think things through. For the time being, you can increase your chances by being positive and giving her a good reason to want you back. Avoid being pushy or getting desperate as it would only push her away.

      Reply
  • Tyler

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. Long story short, we have had quite a number of issues and arguments leading up to her asking for a break (not break up) first. We do not have serious red flag issues like cheating, dishonesty or insecurity but we are both just headstrong and it is hard for either of us to give in and say sorry if we think our reasons are valid. Initially, I agreed for the break as it was 3 weeks to her exams but a day later I tried telling her reasons of why we shouldn't go through with it. But she decided she needed it and after a painful month of us without any form of communication and blocking on social media, she just met to break up as she thinks our characters are incompatible and is pretty firm and fixated on her decision so I knew it is hard for her to change her mind. I have been on no contact for 2 weeks and have been focusing on myself and reflecting and just posting instagram stories whenever Im out and about which she views. I have been in a couple of relationships before this and I think we both could adapt to each other if only we learned to give in more and that she doesn't understand that sometimes we have to stay strong to ride through the rough patch before things go up. My question is since we already had a 1 month break in which she thought through and then decided to break up, how long should our no contact be? I was thinking it should be longer but if she is as convinced in her decision as I think she is, I am afraid she might move on and think it is for the better.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      In every relationship it will take both parties for it to work out. If she's decided this all on her own, and is very firm on her resolve, even if there were things that could've been done to 'adapt' to each other, she is no longer interested in them at this point. My suggestion is that you probably have to win her back all over again as if it were the first time, and that probably can't happen right now as it is still too soon. You could try again after another month, but keep in mind that you're going to win her back from square one, because it seems like she has already moved on during the month's break between the two of you.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and completed 2 months of no contact (ending a month ago). The relationship ended on fairly good terms. A month ago I recently initiated contact with my ex. The content of the messages have not been about anything serious or the past relationship, and she has been responding to them fairly well. However, the frustrating thing is that she is taking at least a week to reply to my messages (Note that I have not been replying instantly to her messages, giving a few days before responding). I am not panicking and I understand as everyone is extremely busy with university exams/work at the moment, but still, a week between messages is extremely frustrating. It is making me think that we are somehow no longer on good terms but perhaps I am being irrational - my birthday recently passed and I did not receive a message from her. I understand she is very busy, but I am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

    Reply
  • Vincent

    Hey guys, so my girlfriend recently broke up with me and i am currently doing the nc for 30 days. We have not talked for 3 days now and i've decided to desactivate my fb account for a while to keep me from looking a her profile and just take some time to clear my head. But yesterday, she sent me a text saying "did you just really block me on facebook??" So i answered no and said that i just disactivated my account to keep me from looking a her stuff and take time for myself. It seems like the idea of me blocking her really hurt her. She seemed very upset about it and i would like to know if that means she's still thinking about me and reconsidering her decision.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It may or may not mean anything at this point, and you should not overthink things. However, it does indicate that to a certain extent, she still cares about what you do and it's definitely a more positive sign than just not caring.

      Reply
    • Vincent Forest

      Hi Ryan, thank you for your answer. I will try not to think about it too much. However, does that mean i should start the nc all over again because we talked? The conversation ended really quickly, that was about it.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      No you don't have to restart NC all over again. We all face setbacks every now and then, the key thing is that you made a conscious effort to be aware about it.

      Reply
  • Adrian

    Hi,
    Great page!
    My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. We been together for 1 year and 2 months. I could feel that last months something was wrong in our relatioship. I could feel she was taking distance from me little by little.
    I've always been nice to her and sometimes too nice. Last months I did the mistakes which is written on this page by beeing even nicer and doing everything for here because I was afraid to loose her.(i've always been afraid to lose her).
    She says that she still have feelings for me, but she wants to be alone to se what kind of feelings it is. She also says that she doesnt want to loose me, but she needs time.
    When she broke up with me she was drunk and she called me and said she needs to be alone. And i got angry for the way she did it, by calling. I said that she hurt me for breaking up with that way after all I've done for here and im stil angry at here but i still love here and i want us to be together.
    We havent met after she called me 4 days ago, but we talked on the phone and she was sorry for the way she did it.
    She wants to meet up with me in person and tell why she wants to be alone and so we can be together one last time.Today we havent talked.
    My question is if I should say yes and meet up with her or if I should go to no contact stage?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would depend on whether you're able to handle meeting her or not, especially if she wants to go through with the break up. You're probably going to have to mentally prepare to let her go for now, and win her back all over, and you can't let your hopes bring you down in the process and end up doing more damage than good when meeting her.

      Reply
  • Johnny

    my ex of a little over one year broke up with because of my jealousy i tried to win her back for like 3 weeks but of course it didnt work she says she really needs to be alone for a while and wants to work on her self during the time i was trying to get her back she would answer all my texts and let me go see her at her house and would tell me everything she's been up to when i call her with out me really asking. i would always get the feeling that she likes talking to me still but doesnt want to get back together. ive been in NC for 18 days i been hitting the gym working alot and feeling great and i honestly feel like i can be with out her no problem but i really do love her and realize where i went wrong. i honeslty dont know where i should go from here.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Complete no contact and continue with your process of self-improvements, and then start talking to her again after. If you're able to show her the changes through your actions, you would probably cause her to re-think if getting back might be a good idea again.

      Reply
  • Robert

    I'm in a bit of a crisis with it all and am not sure where I should start on this.
    -She broke it off
    -I hung around for ages trying to get her back.
    -we met up and it went well and we kissed.
    -we had an argument and she blocked me
    -she met someone else during this time
    -called her after a couple days. Started talking, told her I accepted her decision to end it. Found out about the other guy. Acted like I was happy with it because it made her happy
    -after a few days told her it was too much for me and I needed some space and she was cool with it
    -lasted 4 days
    -went back to talking. Told her again I just want her to be happy so let her go for this other guy. Could tell this hurt her a little.
    -Called after about 3 days to check in
    -she was laughing with me and things sounded positive.
    - Called her the next day to say I was sorry for everything. She said it was over so I had nothing to apologise for. Inisited i did and laid everything out and all the mistakes I made. She ended the call after she accepted my apology and said just remember this the next time. Either she meant with her or with another girl I'm not sure

    There's probably a few more bits in there I've forgotten but essentially I'm not sure what to do now. She messaged me first today about something trivial and I read it and then ignored her.

    I really don't know what to do about this. Should I tell her I need space again? I have no idea... I've made such a mess of things at this point. I think she still has feelings for me to be honest but I don't know. I don't want to lose her

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You probably need to go into no contact proper, and focus on making changes to yourself in a positive manner if you want to win her back. You could always tell her you need space, but I would suggest just to go into it unless she contacts you first.

      Reply
  • B.C

    Hi Ryan/Kevin. 1st contact message went well. She apologized for hurting me twice after that, saying it was one of her biggest regrets. I didn't reply. She plainly apologized a third time, but I got super affectionate in accepting it and she didn't reply after. she broke up with me b/c she still felt in love with her ex. Said she loves me as well though. Worth working to get her back? Been with a few other girls since then but it does not feel the same.

    P.S. we had actually gone through all these stages of recovery without knowing it about this site.

    Basically I got up to the point where I was about to meet her casually, but blew it and made things awkward.. Her close friend said I was definitely not a rebound. Ex said she needs to heal. Advice on how to proceed?

    Thinking of texting her again but afraid i'd be on a third chance. Idk if she moved on.

    Thank you in advance.

    Reply
  • OJamesG

    @Ryan So following on from my last post where I said I'd leave it for another month, no contact with her whatsoever besides her checking my story and posting a happy birthday message on my fb wall. I didn't respond except liking the post to keep things civil as I liked everyone else' post. It got to the last day mark and I'm getting ready to send her the letter as stated in the guide, I then receive a message from her telling me that she's started to see someone new and that she's telling me out of courtesy because when we split I asked that she would tell me if/when that happened. It's only been 2 months since the break up, I wasn't expecting her to move this fast since our relationship was 7 years, but here we are.

    I'm confused as hell because she said she couldn't fathom finding happiness elsewhere yet when we broke up, and the more I look back I wonder if it's this one guy from her work who had been hovering around her. There are really so many people it could be, in fact I'm almost certain it's him, which sucks as she said she didn't have any interest in him. I'm a little numb, maybe it hasn't hit me yet or maybe it's what I needed to let go. I'm not sure which step to take now, do I still send the letter? I had planned to send it then just continue with my life, in case it is a rebound, in case somewhere along the road she reconsiders, I don't know if it's a rebound or if it'll last, pretty crap either way. So what do you think, should I still send? Do you think this could be a rebound or that she had him lined up before ending things?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could still send it since you had already mentally prepared to carry on with your life after anyway. It sucks to find out your ex has moved on to someone new, but at the same time, it could just as easily be a rebound to cope with the negative emotions she feels and loss of relationship habits she was once used to.

      Reply
  • Alex

    My girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We dated for about 7 months, which I know isn't long but I felt as if it would've lasted longer. Before we broke up she was getting in these moods where she didn't feel anything, and no matter what I did she still felt empty. So we broke up. A couple days ago I invited her over and showed her all of the memories of us and asked for her back. She obviously said no which is where I am today. Over the past couple hours I've tried to sound more sad in the texts and distance myself with the no contact part. It is almost the end of the school year and in a month we agreed to meet up and see if she feels anything then. Do you think that is a good plan, and to begin the no contact? Thank you, this article really helped give me some ideas.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should not be trying to come across as 'sad' because this adds to the look of desperation in her view, but yes arranging to meet her in a month's time would be a good idea. In the meantime, focus on improving yourself and giving her a greater reason to feel something when she sees you again.

      Reply
    • Alex

      I forgot to leave out that it isn't just me that she isn't feeling anything for its everything. She is depressed and doesn't want to admit it. I couldn't help her so I left which only made it worse. Everyday I text her and tell her how beautiful she is and how happy we were together. She replies with "aw or cute". The thing that also bugs me is the reason we broke up, I don't know how to help her or how to get her to love me or just be happy again.
      I also talked to a friend and they made a good point about the No Contact stage. If I were to leave her now, I feel as if she wouldn't acknowledge it with all the other things bringing her down in life. So in reality making no difference.
      I want to know how I can bring her back up but also not be so stressed and scared to lose her at every second.
      She cares about me, shes told me that multiple times. And when I try to just let time take its course, I get scared and feel as if I'm going to lose her over time and that she might move on.
      Do you have any ideas of how to get her to be happy again, and ways for her to think about our relationship so that she has feeling again?
      Thank you. Will probably reply with more questions.

      Reply
  • Jake

    My gf broke up with me about 2 months ago, and after that I went through with just over a month of no contact. However I have found it very difficult to reconnect with her. If I try to text her she seems very disinterested, and if I try to talk with her at school she does not want to talk to me. We ended on somewhat good terms and I never annoyed her or asked for her to come back. But I know that I have become a much better version of myself recently and when she sees that she will want to get back together. I feel as though I am making no progress because I have no way to talk with her. How do I reconnect with her? Thanks, looking forward to your reply.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she appears disinterested, it could be too soon to contact her at this point. There could be several reasons why she feels this way such as having moved on since, or even still going through the recovery stage where she may be reminded of negative memories when she talks to you. You could use this article for more guidance on how to text her.

      Reply
  • James

    I’m in a precarious situation. Me and my ex broke up when I went to rehab two months ago. The day before I came home (2 days ago), she told me she’s moving to LA. This is obviously devastating, as I has her in my mind during those hard times to make the right choices. She’s nervous to see me before she leaves.. her words were “I love you so much I have to let you go, and you sick me in every time”. That said, I know seeing me will just make her decision to love more challenging. Her move to CA isn’t permanent, and the break may be good for us both, however, I do want to at least see her, and have her leave with the door with us open, instead of closed. That said, should I go into NC for a few weeks, and reengage a week before she leaves or something? I have been very needy since she gave me the news, and I haven’t got any response or reciprocation which really really hurts. I love this woman, I made awful mistakes, and I want to continue the persuit. Any ideas would be great.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes it definitely sounds like after your actions of being needy and this final meeting up, keeping the door open would be a good idea but only after both of you have taken some time off from each other using NC as you've said. Spend this time focusing on yourself and improving so that at least she feels that you're someone worth considering to get back together with, instead of wallowing in self-pity and sadness that many others end up doing.

      Reply
  • Derrick

    Hi. Thanks for the page it has give me a lot of clarity. I broke up with my ex a few days ago. And it was entirely my fault. Three weeks ago I took a trip to visit my mum for a weekend and came back and when I did I would try to contact her and she seemed different, she always lied to me and never wanted to spend time with me, then a friend of mine told me that she was out with another guy. When I confronted her she didn't address the issue. And I run mad thinking how could she cheat on me so I would call her a lot show up to her work place and she seemed to be going further away. So this really messed with my mind. So the other day I went to see her and she said she needs time to be alone and enjoy her alone time focus on her work and that if we are bound to be then we will but we should stop seeing each other, but she told me she will always be my friend and be there for me...basically breaking up with me. Honestly I love her so much and all I want is her back in my life because she made such a big impact in my life. So what do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Go into no contact for now and follow the guidelines found in our articles on everything you should do (and not do) to win her back.

      Reply
  • Joe

    So my ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago after a year and a half of dating she said she didnt feel the same anymore and that i was clingy and also after the break up for about 3 weeks i was trying to talk to her saying sorry and that i know she still loves me and that please comeback to me i also cornered her and told her that she still had feelings for me and please think about me after words she said she didnt want anything to do with me not even be friends during which i told her sorry for everything i did to her after the breakup ive done no contact for the past 3 weeks during this time she also got into a new relationship with a good friend of hers (which also scares me cause idk if he is a rebound or not, and if he is how long will the be together) i do feel good about myself and i know the mistakes i made and ive also been working on myself become a better person but idk how to reestablish contact should i start with an elephant in the room text or what also idk if she even misses me or still has feelings for me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since things ended the way it did back then, perhaps you might want to give it more time before considering approaching her again as she might not respond to you positively at this point. I would recommend continuing with NC and working on yourself for another couple of weeks before trying to contact her, and based on her response, you'll be able to gauge how she feels towards you.

      Reply
  • Alex

    It's been almost three weeks of NC with my ex. But my ex has never liked texting, so I'm a bit skeptical of that phase of the plan. I don't think I can make her fall again through text if she absolutely hates texting everyone. Would it be a mistake to call her up and ask to meet up?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps start with a text or two first, before proceeding to calling her. You don't want to suddenly call and she is taken aback by it.

      Reply
  • nik

    I've been with my ex for 5 years when she broke up with me. i am currently working aboard and she dumped me when i got home from work for 7 months. i was devastated that time because i was so excited to see her after 7 months. before i got home we had a fight, i was insecure, jealous and super needy that time. i tried to beg her to come back to me but nothing happend...i was married before and i have not yet filed for annulment and she said she got tired of waiting for me. it's been almost 3 months since we broke up and im back here in the middle east again and now im trying hard to do the NC. do i still have a chance to get my ex back? now im trying hard to focus on myself and improve myself while in far from home so that when i come home again i become a better version of myself. its just hard to be alone and far from home and without someone to talk to.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I know it's hard, but you'll have to persevere if you want to win her back. Keep distracted during this period, and perhaps do things that would lift your spirits as well.

      Reply
  • David

    Long story short, my ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 months of dating. Her excuse was "she was unhappy". She couldn't really explain the reasoning of why she was unhappy and I still don't buy that excuse. However she wanted to maintain a friendship with me, even though she doesn't like being friends with exes because she feels there will always be an attraction between exes. We've maintained a friendship after the breakup and hung out twice since. She was more flirty with me the first date than the second date. I can tell she still has feelings for me but is guarded and possibly afraid and I'm sure right now she just wants to focus on her self, which is fine with me because I want to do the same. However, I feel she has distance herself as time has passed and I'm realizing now I should have done NC immediately after the breakup. Is it too late to win her back if I break off contact with her for awhile or do I still have a chance if I start NC? Should I even bother since she said there was no chance of getting back with her even though she has gotten back with one other ex who treated her badly?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      As the relationship was only for 5 months, if you're intending on doing NC, perhaps aim to do about 2-3 weeks of it, especially if you've been talking to her almost daily prior to her distancing herself from you. It's natural for her to have her guard up, but if you want to win her back, you're going to have to prove to her that you're different from past partners by showing her positive changes.

      Reply
    • David

      She acknowledged she started to have her guard up since the second date since she saw I still had strong feelings for her. She maintains that regardless of having feelings for me she doesn't want to get back together. Should I continue with the NC or just give up hope?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This is entirely your choice, whether you want to persist and be patient in slowly trying to win her over, or give up because of the uncertainty and potentially wasting your time. Ultimately there's no guarantee for any relationship to work out, and its something you have to take the chances on.

      Reply
  • Kat

    So, this is a same-sex break up story. We dated for almost 2 years, but only the 1st month of it was just us.. that means that her very abusive, conservative family found out and went ballistic. Her parents sent me threatening text messages to keep away, but we persisted and made it work undercover. We both considered ourselves straight before this and the bond was too strong to let. She was, still is, also a person with mental problems, mostly depression, which in the course of these 2 years has not been helpful to our relationship, but I had learnt to deal with it, both for me and her, more effectively. But the lies she kept telling her family, the fear of being found out and expect abuse for both me and her, became too much. She lost physical attraction, yet she never lost the feeling. We broke up because her depression peaked and at the same time she collapsed under the pressure of lying, she even had dermatological issues out of the fear. She is still studying, probably will for a year more, and lives with her parents. I believe that what we had is hard to find. I am 28 and I had mediocre as I now know relationships before. Same goes for her, only she is 24. I believe we never got our chance, so I want to hope for a future together, but I know it will be a while, maybe more than a year. Do you believe I should attempt it if I still want it...later in life? There's nothing to forgive, if the family was out of the picture, I firmly believe we would still be together.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      This would be entirely dependent on you and whether you want to or not. However, do consider the relationship she has with her family (whether it's good or not) prior to meeting you, and if she would be able to sacrifice that and leave her family behind for you since that may be what it takes to have a lasting relationship especially if her family is entirely against you/the idea of a same sex relationship.

      Reply
  • Atom

    Hello, so I dated a girl significantly younger than myself for about 3 months. The first few weeks were delightful, she was attentive, responded well to my compliments and was frisky and eager to please. After a few weeks it slowed down considerably on her end, the frequency of talking remained very good but she died down on complements or sexy talk. Whenever I brought it up she said she just had intimacy issues and it was hard for her to say those things (although she had no problem before) over time she would stop responding to texts, get increasingly angry towards me for all annoyances in her life, yet maintained that we were a “thing” the sex and reciprocated flirting also died down to nonexistent. Around me she was always a downer, yet in public she was a flirty outgoing lady, except towards me. I can admit I was impatient and frustrated with the situation and acted in a non gentlemanly manner, being more of a confused child than the stud bull I typically am. She was in contact with her most recent ex throughout the entirety of our relationship, and bad mouthed him and his non caring ways often, she did not seem over him, which added to my insecurities on the issue. After a disastrous night at the bar where she was openly flirting with various men I said enough and cut it off. A week later I reached out again to which she was somewhat receptive, we hung out again and she was once again Debby downer and seemingly uncaring towards me even being there. A few days later we had it out over text about the situation. Since then, a month and a half, we’ve had 3 phone conversations and various texts I’ve sent that go Unreplied for days. When we talk she’s vaguely hostile and mentions that she’s still pissed at me, and went so far as to tell me about the last guy she dated since me, which aleady didnt work out. I’m not sure if what I feel is love or just a hope for something that lasted for a few weeks to return, but she’s on my mind always and I’m not sure how to proceed.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      While she may have had feelings for you before, there's a chance due to her age and emotional maturity that she just isn't capable of having a lasting relationship yet. It seems that she may have gotten bored of you which resulted in her flirting with other people, and judging by how quickly her next relationship ended too, seems like she may have gotten bored of him too. You have to take these things into account and even if you decide to win her back, whether she would get bored again after awhile and repeat the cycle.

      Reply
  • Julian

    My ex and I were dating for 6 months and then she ended it stating she was unhappy but couldn’t explain the reason well enough. While we were dating, she stated that once she breakup with someone, there is no going back, however she did make one exception with one ex. I did partial NC for about 2 months, and then I asked her if she wanted to hangout. She agreed. While we were hanging out, she told me she is going Washington for the weekend with a friend, whom she didn’t want to tell me who it was, stating ” oh it’s someone you don’t know.” Besides that the date went very well and I could tell she was still into me but it still bothered me she didn’t want to tell me who the mystery guy was. We started speaking more after this date although conversations were nothing serious. We went out again about two weeks later. At this point she tells me she’s going to a broadway show with a male friend and she gives me the same reason as before about not telling me who he is. During our date I told her that I missed hanging out with her and that she is the first girl I’ve ever dated where I found her personality more beautiful than her actual appearance. She blushed and thanked me for giving her space during our breakup. I recently came back from a trip and I mailed her a small souvenir package, with a note stating ” hope you like the gift. Hope to see you soon.” She thanked me after receiving the package with a blushing emoji and during our text exchange I wrote ” it was the only way you can have it since Idk when I’m going to see you again” hinting that I wanted to see her soon. She didn’t acknowledge the hanging out part but that she loved the gift and and appreciated the thought the gesture. Now I’m confused and hurting and don’t know what to do. Is she still into me? Is she really seeing someone else even though she told me on the night of our breakup she wanted to focus on herself? Is there a good chance of us getting back together in the future or should I move on?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People will say whatever it takes to successfully end the relationship at times, so certain things like 'wanting to focus on herself' should be taken with a pinch of salt since they won't be able to predict the next time they meet someone new. You could always find out from her if she's currently seeing anyone and make your decision on the next steps to take from there.

      Reply
    • Julian

      So she told me it's just a friend from junior high and she's not seeing anyone. However she explained to me why she broke up with me stating lack of spontaneity and not making the effort of getting to know her friends when I met them (mind you every time I saw them it was at a club where it's impossible to get to know someone, let alone a group of people). She stated she still has feelings for me but doesn't share the same feelings of getting back together. I'm going to start NC but I'm also thinking if I should even bother? Do you feel there's a chance of getting her bacK?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      There's always a chance, but its always dependent on the circumstances of the entire relationship between the two of you and how meaningful it was.

      Reply
  • Sunny

    Mine is not different case. My seven years marriage couldn't work out, nothing was going right with us. So finally I filed for divorce last year. My wife is not ready for it.
    We are not staying together from last one year.
    During this time as was going through very difficult phase. Got in touch with one office colleague working in different department. We became friends then fall in love. All was going well from April 2017 till last month. Unfortunately one of her family friend working in the same company with us come to know about us. He has informed everything to her real brother. We belong to different caste and culture moreover my divorce is yet to settle. He is not ready to accept our relationship. He has informed her not to keep any contact with me and given promise on parents not to keep any contact with me from then onwards she is not talking to me even blocked my no. I have not tried to called her even or msged she has conveyed from one of her friend that we are meant to be together and asked me to move on life. As we are working in same organisation getting very difficult for me not able to concentrateon work. As I can see her in front can't even ignore her. When I found her talking her colleagues nicely broke me in pieces.
    I want her back in my life. Do I have any chance. Pls guide me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm a little unfamiliar with the caste system and how strongly people adhere to it, but if its something that won't change, and she is someone who believes or has strong respect for it, then you might want to consider moving on.

      Reply
  • Julian

    Hi Ryan, so this is my story. My ex left me about 3 and a half years ago. (we were friends for a few years before dating however).
    I was neglecting her and not giving her the appreciation she deserved. I was completely blind to this at the time though and have grown as a person significantly since. I've also ticked alot of the boxes you state above since, and feel like a better person that deserves her alot more now.
    She started dating someone almost immediately afterwards and it was quite an ugly break up. I also started dating someone afterwards, but quite a while later.
    Her new relationship lasted about 3 years (during which there was no contact) and mine closer to a year. We both became single again around the same time. After which I really realised that I messed up by neglecting her and that shes a great match for me, and I'd love a second shot at us.
    When she became single she unblocked me off all social media, which is a big step for her. And I initiated contact about a month later with a light text about a funny part of our past, which got her to laugh and we chatted about how we've been doing since, with our careers etc. She mentioned that she's working with kids and I replied that I'm happy for her and not surprised, given that she was always good with kids and wanted to help people. And I asked her to elaborate further on a problem one of the kids has that she's helping. She never replied. This was about 3 weeks ago. I haven't intiated contact since, as I thought she just isn't interested. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well it could have been that she was busy and forgot. You could always try dropping her another text or message again since it has been 3 weeks but start on a different topic and see how she responds to you from that.

      Reply
  • Brian

    Hello, right now i'm at stage 4 of this strategy guide, and I followed all the steps exactly like mentioned in the guide. The breakup wasn't very dramatic and I didn't make many mistakes in the days after. So, I recently contacted her via text after the no contact period, and she responded in a positive way, but still she didn't initiate texting in the next days (also she didn't contact me during no contact).

    A few days later we had to meet eachother because of a party of a mutual friend and after some time she came sitting right next to me and began to be touchy with me, in a playfully fighting way. I just did it back, because I didn't quite know what I had to do... I have no idea what to think of this..

    Do I still have to follow the plan and wait some days before I contact her again?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Well most likely she was tipsy, or felt a sense of familiarity and became more open to expressing it while at the party. You could continue to contact her since her initial response has not been negative towards you thus far.

      Reply
  • Oliver

    Hi Ryan,
    first of all, thank you for uploading this guideline and giving guys like me something to follow through.
    Here's my case. My ex and I are seperated for 4 weeks now. He have been together for seven years. the last year was kind of difficult, since something was missing, the passion etc, and we haven't succeded in working on it intentionally.
    Our relationsship was at the lowest point at the end and then I made the mistake when a co-worker at work was flirting with me. I agreed to meet her and and was overwhelmed from the feeling that she wanted me so bad. I ended up having sex with her, regreting it and telling my then girlfriend what I did. She ended the relationship immediately and said, that was really the tip of the iceberg and that its not hard for her to end it now, that I have done that, also because we where at our lowest pont ever in the relationship. At the beginning of our breakup I was sort of down but also thought that maybe it might be better that way. My ex and I saw each other coincidentally several times. The last time made me thinking and realized that I actually still have very strong feelings for her. I still think that she is the one for me. 5 days ago I made the mistake and called her, I went all-in and told her that I still love her and that things will change with a new beginning. She told me that she is happy how it is right now and that she doesn't have enough feeling to start it again. That really hurted me. And I can't get her out of my mind ever since. Yesterday we had to work together, just for a project for one day. It was really hard for me to stay cool and not needy. I couldn't help me to bring up our passed relationship again. I told here that I was dissapointed that the breakup doesn't seem bother her at all, that she acts all normal as if we just good friends. She told me that it isn't easy for her either, but she doesn't let anybody see it. I huged her after that but she told me that that wouldn't have an effect on her. At the end of our shift I told her that it would be better if we have no contact anymore, since I'm the one who is suffering and going crazy all the time. I'm a little bit afraid of seeing her nect week at my best friends bday party next week, since I know I'm not myself right now. I now that you can't give me any prediction, but I reallywant to know if I will still have a chance, by your opinion. I do know that I should follow through the NC stage to get her the chance to miss me but more importently give me the chance to recover and enjoy life again by my own self. It is really hard for me since the only and best chance of getting back is letting her go and also me getting rid of her in my mind, not being addicted to her. Please Ryan, can you give me some advice? Do I still have a chance in your opinion? What should I exactly do and for how long? Does she still have feelings for me since she completed with it? How do I behave during my best pals bday party?

    Best wishes
    Oliver

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could follow this article on how to handle events where meeting your ex in unavoidable. As for your chances, I would say that it's definitely still there, except that it would take time and No Contact would actually be more for you instead of her where you pick your emotional state up and improve yourself during this time. Ultimately, if you want to win her, you're going to have to give her a reason to actually want you back in order to succeed.

      Reply
    • Oliver

      Hello Ryan, thank you for your reply. As I understand it I'll have to do the NC phase until I have found a decent emotional state and improved myself. But what if it takes three months or longer, isn't there a chance that she will forget me because she moved on realising that living without me is possible or even better? Can a NC phase take too long? I know that the NC phases primarely intention is not her to miss me, it's more than a side effect. It's more that I develop and find peace within me. But are there any other tools that I can use for her to forgive me that I cheated on her, it's hard for me to just rely on time since she might just put me in a position were I'm just the bad guy and then she just gets over it. And you were talking about giving her a reason to actually wanting me back. The way I see it is to present her a version of me that ultimately promises a new and more fulfilling relationship than the past one. Or what do you exactly mean with reasons for her to give me another chance? Can you suggest something in particular?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, basically you want to come across as someone that's worth forgiving and starting anew and the best way to go about doing so is to actually make those changes and finding the peace within yourself. NC also gives her time to process and let go of the negative feelings she has against you at this point. If it is going to take awhile before you reach that decent emotional state, perhaps at least give it a month of NC before you go about and apologize to her or send the elephant in the room text in order to at least show her that you are sorry for whatever has happened.

      Reply
    • Olli

      Thanks Ryan. Can you also give me a reply to one of my last questions. Can I do NC too long?

      Besides that, I started NC 4 days ago. The last messageI sent her was about apologizing and saying that we shouldn't have contact from now on. Now what I want to ask you, theres a bday party from my best friend this friday, she will be there too. I don't go if I should go there, I'm pretty vulnerable at the moment. But I'm too concerned what she might think if I'm absent. What should I do? Avoid the party because of no contact? And again, can you do the NC phase too long? Thanks

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go to party if you feel emotionally stable enough to do so, but avoid contact with her when there and at the same time try not to act too unusual, meaning just be yourself but avoid small talk with her. To answer your first question, NC has a timeline that differs for everyone depending on the relationship. Contact too soon, and your ex is still feeling negative towards you but wait too long and she may very well move on. I cannot answer for certain what that timeline is because it really depends on your relationship with her, as well as the type of person she is. Generally, a good time frame is 30 days for civil breakups, but longer if the breakup took an ugly turn or you're not ready.

      Reply
    • Oliver

      Thank you. Can you also reply to my previous question if a NC phase can take too long?
      And my best friend is giving a bday party this friday, she will be there too. Is it okay if I don't go since I'm emotionaly unstable or could she be turned off if I dont come since I'm avoiding her on purpose? Thanks, Oliver

      Reply
  • jon

    Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and have completed 2 months of no contact. The relationship ended on fairly good terms. I recently initiated contact with my ex and we shared a few messages for 2 days (just 1 or 2 messages per day). We did not talk about anything serious or the past relationship. However, she has not replied to my last message for 3 days now. I know I should not panic as she is quite busy with work/uni at the moment, but am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Wait for another week or so before trying to reach out to her again. Start off on a completely separate topic from the last time or perhaps even discuss something that you may have needed her advice on to avoid looking desperate.

      Reply
  • James

    Girlfriend ended things after 16 months because she needed space and felt suffocated, and said that feelings from before were no longer there. We have been living 60miles apart whilst in my final year of university for the last 8 months, texting regularly and visits every other week. She said she felt more like friends and that i was too needy and insecure. Currently in first week of NC. I'm finishing university in just 3 weeks and starting a new job back home. She still cares very much about me but just says the feelings aren't the same as before christmas time... which coincides with when my work has been getting super busy at university and visits have been less frequent. What shall i do to try and re-spark things when I get back home?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Start off with building the friendship back up and trying to get close to her again before attempting to build feelings up and attracting her back the way you first did when you got together with her.

      Reply
  • Brand Brand

    Yep, she has moved into my house because she got evicted from her home. Im talking about my ex-wife. We were married for 10 years. We have 2 little boys together. She left me 1 year ago and she wanted the divorce. I do want her back, I love her and she knows it. Her and our boys have been living with me for since 3/12/2018. This is now OUR home. We have made love a few times. But it is so hard to talk to her she is still angry. She told me she would never live with me again but here she is. What does this all mean? What can i do to keep her and win her heart back? Please help me now!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like she does have feelings for you but harbors negative emotions at the same time. My suggestion right now would be to perhaps avoid bringing up serious topics but to work on building a positive bond with her through pleasant memories so that she becomes more receptive towards you.

      Reply
  • OJames G

    Gf of 7 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. Longest NC we had was for 2 weeks, I reached out around 8pm via text as a family member was ill, I didn't hear anything from her (Assume she was asleep) then she called me around 1am. I picked up and we talked, she reassured me everything would be ok, then we had a light hearted chat and I managed to make her laugh a bit. I told her I was working on myself and talking to someone about everything, and was able to see a lot of mistakes I couldn't have in the relationship. She said she was glad but she didn't want me to do it for her, that she hopes it helps me not repeat these mistakes in the future. I then stupidly pushed instead of leaving it on a nice note, and I asked her what if things could be different? She said that she misses me and when she sees funny things; jokes, memes etc she gets really sad and still thinks "I want to link this to him", but she doesn't because she feels it will keep us/me from moving on. And she said that while she gets sad that she can't talk to me and reach out, when that sadness passes she feels peaceful and relief, that she doesn't want to get back together because she doesn't want to feel insecure, anxious or angry anymore. I said i understood and left it and we said goodbye and hope we can talk again one day.

    The next day we exchanged texts and she said while she didn't mind being there for me, that I should maybe lean on friends/family, as her being there and being supportive won't help me move on right now. I explained that it wasn't hindering me from looking forward, and that I had no other agenda and I took getting us back together off the table because "too much has happened right now" (hindsight, i shouldn't have said right now), I also said I would take a step back and not talk to her again as I think we both need the space. I said regardless of what's happened we still have a connection on some level even if we're not together and that was important to me that we get back to a place of neutrality at some point.

    She then said she felt it was clear that I would always have the thought of getting back together in the back of my mind, that she "wanted to be very clear that won't happen". Then she pointed out that even the "too much has happened *right now*" portion of my text indicates that I think it might. She then said it's clear we can't be friends, that she's sorry that she's being selfish but she feels this is for the best in me moving forward, then she blocked me on messenger, but she hasn't blocked me on anything else.

    I haven't contacted her since and essentially this is me starting my NC again. I strangely do feel more at peace and stronger since we last spoke, maybe because she gave me a solid answer whereas before she was singing the "I just need time and space to think" song. I know more time will only strengthen me and I will be eventually be ok with the vision of her not being in my life, and be able to take that rejection if I try again. Ultimately she is right though, I can't be just friends. My questions is how long do I wait this time before reaching out again to apologise for any misunderstanding and also my part in the relationship failing? It seems she will be extra on guard of my motives now, and from the sound of what she said do you think she might have any good feelings left and that she is just scared of being hurt etc? I know those negative feelings need to get starved out, just worried it risks starving out any good feelings too.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      The next time you reach out to her, perhaps go on a lighter note and avoid the topic of the relationship failing at the start because you want to avoid having her jump to the conclusion again so soon before anything is built up and she becomes guarded. You could continue with NC for perhaps around a month this time around. With regard to starving out the good feelings, as long as when you contact her again, you bring that side of the picture up, it should be fine.

      Reply
    • OJames G

      I plan to give it some time yes, I've written an apology letter - it just outlines how I accept responsibility and recognize the things I did wrong and why they happened etc it also says how grateful I am that we shared what we did, and that I understand this is for the best, but that there's no reason we shouldn't talk. It ends in a pretty light hearted note, do you recommend sending this before reaching out via text? Or just keep it to text and keep it light hearted?

      Reply
  • Jack

    Me and my girlfirend were together for a year and a half. After some of her mental health issues deteriorated she suddenly broke up with me. She said she hadn't been sure whether she loved me for a while and her feelings faded as her mental health got worse. But only a few days before she was telling me how in love with me she was. She was always going around her friends telling them how lucky she felt to have me, this never stopped. It was just so sudden, we were so happy and there was so much we had to look forward to. She has messaged me 4 times since, I havn't read them because I want to go through no contact first and i'm scared if i read them then i'll break it.
    i dont know what to do because shes in such a fragile situation but i love her so much. please help me

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she is going through mental health issues, perhaps that would be the cause of her sudden change and breaking up with you. I would actually suggest opening the messages and figuring out if she needs support or space, and deciding from there.

      Reply
  • Martin Rodriguez Azcarate

    Hi Ryan,
    We were toguether for 4 years, living toguether and all that. This last December she moved out because I did not attend her grandmother funeral (I could not make it on time, 500km away and 12 hours after I knew it) and overslept when I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. She moved and we kind of kept dating but after a huge argument over minor things she decided to dump me. I blocked her in social media and her reaction was to call a guy that was after her and started dating her. 2 weeks after that, I was out of town she tested me because some friend of mine was looking at her in a bad way (my friend was furious at her). They were at a bar and my reply to her was: you decided to fly away, now it is not my issue that some guy looks at you. I am not the one you should text. One hour later she was taking another guy to her house. This happenned 2 months ago. I have been doing well no contact. Only once I failed, it was half way throw. She called me desperate because she heard that I might move to another city (this is actually true as I got an offer). After 1 hour talking she calmed down and just when we were going to sleep (not in the same house), I asked her to have a drink the following day. I did not get a response till the following morning. She changed her mood an told me that I was no longer her 1st priority. She had plans and she was going to do that other thing (going with her rebound to spend the whole day away from town). I was really in shock. I could not understand anything (she did not notice as we did not speak until yesterday). Things were quite well. We even laugh and I talked about my future (this was the only serious thing) and that I was not sure what to do about my job. She said that I should not leave town but if she were to only think in herself she would rather see me go to another city. She also asked me what was my plan for today (friday the 27th). She said that she was dating this guy and would not like to see me in this position at this concert. I tell her I had some other plan.
    And thats about it. My birthday is May 9th. Her new date happens to be born that very same day. I told her that maybe this week we can have a drink.

    What the hell should I do about those drinks over the week, about the job position I was offered, about my bday...

    Sorry but as you can probably tell, I am a forener and my mother tongue is not english. I also understand you only have some information and maybe I was not able to show my situation. In any case any advice will be appreciated.
    Best regards,

    Martin

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You might want to consider the job opportunity if it's good for you, and that you shouldn't try to force things to happen like make her meet you at that time for drinks since she's technically dating someone else right now.

      Reply
  • Corey

    Hi Ryan thanks for the article really puts things in perspective. For my case, we broke up 2 months ago and after I went through the needy/desperate phase i started NC for 2 weeks until I ran into my ex gf. We ended up going for coffee and talked about what went wrong in the relationship and I made it clear I understood what needed to be changed. We also talked a little about our dating life since then and she said she is not interested in finding someone. She said she still has lingering feelings but does not want to depend on someone for happiness and she seems set on moving on. i wished her well. should i resume NC or try to build attraction?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest perhaps trying once to build attraction, provided she has been receptive towards you so far. However, if she responds negatively, continue with NC for now.

      Reply
  • Andy

    Hi. So i split with my ex about 4 weeks ago. She ended our 3 year relationship as she said she felt lonely. This was my fault. I took her for granted and didnt pay her enough attention. Problem is we work together so cant really do the nc rule. Plus i think it would reinforce her belief that she made rhe right decision. Anyway. Last weekend i lost all control and messaged her pouring my heart out. She was very cold and remained adamant that there was no going back ever. Im ashamed to admit that i begged. I asked her how has she got over me so quickly. That made her angry. She told me she wasnt over things emotionally and that she was so lonely towards the end she started to deal with the break up whilst we was together. She also said she loved me unconditionally at the time but theres no going back because it would never last as i never put her first. I really begged but to no avail. Anyway. I left it a few days then sent her flowers yeatersay with a note saying i was sorry for how i handled things. I accept my actions in it all and that i will always love her but will leave her in peace. I waited all day yesterday and she never messaged to say thanks. Today in work i seen her and she thanked me for the flowers. For the rest of the day i cant lie we have had a really good laugh together. It was great. Just like it used to be. Problem is my negative instincts kick in. Now im thinking 'oh shes only having a laugh with me now cos shes totally at ease with the break up' and that shes clearly completely over me thats why shes so relaxed. Im doing everything personally to concentrate on myself. Ive been working out. Lost nearly 14 pounds. And bouhht new clothes. Im lolking better than i have. I want to treat out 'having a laugh together as a positive and not a negative..any suggestions? How do i handle this? And would she really be having a laugh and feel great around me cos shes over me? What should be my next move. Im worried if shes so relaxes that we have split up she might meet someone else. I know im over thinking things and i need to stop. Any advice much appreciated. Andy

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You can refer to this article on handling situations where meeting is inevitable. Perhaps NC is still a good idea at this point for you to regain your own emotional composure before trying to actively win her back again.

      Reply
  • James

    Hey, I’d like to start by saying thanks for this article because I think it’s very helpful! Here’s my situation, I had been with my ex for nearly 5 years we lived together with my parents in another city away from our hometown. She began visiting friends a lot more often back in our hometown which is an hour and a half drive from me. She had been away for a week this time and while she was away was saying she missed me etc but she wasn’t talking to me that much, maybe once every two days. When she came home from this week away she immediately walked into our room and said basically that it’s over and she is moving back to our hometown and getting her old job back and there was no changing her mind, her reasoning was that she didn’t feel like she loved me anymore and she has been trying to make it work. Excuse me if I’m in denial but the month before we went on holiday and had a great time, she even framed photos of us on holiday and put them around our room, oh and she had even sent me things saying I’m her soulmate! She made arrangements to move out 4 days later and even got her old job she loved back during that 4 days. To be honest though I’m not sure she likes living with my family that much and there is nothing here for her to stay around for her family and friends are all back home. I managed to speak to her about some of the issues and picked up the laughter and intimacy and she even started saying that she does see a future with me and that she had told her family that aswell but she really needs time to get back to herself and be single for a while but she doesn’t want me to hold on for her because she doesn’t know clearly what she wants yet. She moved out and I hadn’t made contact with her for 10 days but we do still have each other on social media, I haven’t been reading her posts but she has been reading mine on the ones that track who reads it. It was her birthday on the 10th day of no contact so I messaged her saying happy birthday hope you are doing good and she said thank you and that she hopes I’m doing good etc. I tired to make a little bit of conversation and she was giving pretty longish detailed answers but at the end not asking me any questions to elaborate the conversation so I the conversation after about 5 texts and said I was busy and if she felt like texting me she can. She thanked me for that. We are on good terms and I am working on myself a lot. New clothes, gym etc it’s hard to stop thinking about her though!! I’m quite nervous that when I come to break no contact she is just going to do the same and not give anything to the conversation on her side which will make it difficult. Everyone around me is saying forget about her, if she wanted to speak to me then she would have made conversation that day we spoke and wouldn’t have moved back home. any tips or ideas?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I think the most important things is to figure out what it was that made her walk away. Feelings of being unloved and fatigue from the relationship don't tend to happen overnight and is usually a build up to it. Before you even decide if you want to win her back again or not, you should try to understand this, and also consider the likelihood no matter how small of whether she might have been unfaithful back at her hometown. At least this also helps you reach a decision on your approach and how not to make the same mistake again (if you had done so unknowingly).

      Reply
  • Emerald

    he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths. Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables... is that called rebound anymore coz it has been 7 mnths they have been dating and that we broke up for 8 mnths.

    Reply
    • A Person

      I am no relationship expert but I would say that it's not a rebound anymore unfortunately. I would suggest trying to move on as it will only cause you pain to hope and wait for a miracle to happen.
      If for some reason they break up in the future and the stars align maybe you can try to give it a shot again but for now you should not even think about that and move on to new and better things.

      Reply
  • Dylan Robles

    My ex gf of 4 years left me out of the blue last week. She moved from San Diego to Seattle to stay with her aunt. She didn't even tell me she was leaving. Not even a warning. She just left a note stating she still loves me but had to do what's best for her right now. To focus on ourselves and our goals and we couldn't hold each other back anymore. I love this girl with all my heart. We would always talk about marriage and kids etc. We even planned out our goals for this year one of then was moving in together. So it just confused me that she would leave all of a sudden. But before she left she was going through a lot of stress. She didn't like her job, car broke down, living problems etc. So I think that played a part in her leaving. I think it all just overwhelmed her and she needed a break. But like I said it confused me because why wouldn't she speak to me about it. Anyways this is our first legit breakup. Is there hope she will come back and work things out ? I've done lots of reading on Scorpio woman( my gf is a scorpio) and it said they disappear because they need alone time and space. I'm willing to give her the time and space but how long is too long of a wait ? I sent her an email the other day pretty much saying I respected her decision and I support her 100% and I will work on my self for now. And left it at that. She hasn't responded but I wasn't expecting one. Any advice on what I should do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Probably continue on with your life and aiming for positive changes to any issues you personally may have had for now as there really isn't much else you can do since Seattle is about a 3 hour flight away. If she left so suddenly, you could be right in saying that she needs some space for now and by pursuing after her, she feels more suffocated and feels more negative towards you.

      Reply
    • Dylan Robles

      That's what I'm hoping. That she needs a breather. But I don't know how long she is there for. My plan was to give her 2 months and wait for her to contact me . If She doesn't try to. I was gonna book a flight and give it my last shot before I move on.

      Reply
  • Anthony

    My ex and I were together for 4 years and half and worked in our small business together for 2 and half years. When we started the small business it added a lot of stress to the relationship. We would argue about things in the business that she wanted to do and I thought something else worked better. Our arguments would get heated. She would lock herself in a room and refuse to talk to me I would stand at the door trying to talk to her. She has picked up and left roughly 6 times since we had the business to go back to her dads house. Each time it was for a day we talked and she came back the next day and she says I manipulated her into staying. She has 10 different guys that flirt with her any given day on facebook and we've argued about it. I just want her to be open. She claims shes scared because of my temper. We would both call each other names in fights and try to hurt the other as much as possible. Last week I found a cell phone hidden between our mattress. The same guys are in her dm's flirting and messages obviously deleted. I love her so much and before the business we were fine. The business began to fail we began to fall into debt and she resents me for it. We closed our business March 31st and I thought it was going to be a new opportunity for us to reconnect we're both looking for jobs still. We haven't been on gone out on a date together since summer of 2017 because we didn't have the money. She thinks I her into starting the business and used her. She left me last thursday after I found the phone and questioned her on it. She blocked me on everything which was extremely painful. Being emotional I made a 2nd facebook to contact her during the anger stage and worked my way through anger and eventually into sadness then into acceptance just by talking to her. I've started NC today but shes already talking to other guys and going out. What can I do to show her I still love her and want her back. And how can I work on my manipulation/control and temper issues during arguments? She told me she needed space and I needed to work on myself. My last message to her I accepted her need for space explained I still loved and cared about her. Hoped that she would be happy. Explained that I was going to work on myself for the next couple months and that I hope she would be single still because I couldn't find a better person to date. I genuinely feel like I've finally accepted the break up after 6 days. I started NC today and holding strong so far. I want to hold NC for 3-4 weeks. I feel like once I get a job and can take her out again she'll fall in love all over. I just need to get to that point and be ready to deal with arguments, my temper, manipulation. How can I get her to stop flirting with other guys on facebook that are messaging her.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be frank, you can't. If the relationship has ended, you won't have a say in the matter until you get back together with her since she's free to do whatever she wants at this point. The best thing you can do right now is to actually spend this couple of weeks making the positive changes to your life as you had planned to. If the relationship with her was a meaningful one, she will take notice of these changes. Follow the guidelines found in our articles on steps to winning her back.

      Reply
    • Anthony

      She still has things around the house. Paintings we use to paint together, toys for the dog that she didn't take, clothes. Her dad is the owner of the building the small business is in and we use to live together in an apartment overtop of the business. Her dad still stops by once a week to check on the building. Do you think it's wise to box up these things and send them back to her with her dad? She also got a new phone with a new number I don't have access to and I'm blocked on facebook from messaging but not viewing her profile. I was thinking the best thing for me to do is box her belongings up with a picture of us she framed and the paintings we use to do together and including the elephant note in 3 weeks.

      Reply
  • Scott

    So I have read a few articles in here to get a game plan but due to certain things nothing has gone as the articles say. I really need some tailored advice to my situation ASAP because me and my girlfriend broke up April 13th and will be hanging out for the first first time april 22nd so I really need somebody advice on what to that day!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on whether the hangout is a mutually agreed upon one and whether she's comfortable with it. Otherwise it would be advisable to go into NC as per our guidelines recommend.

      Reply
  • Dan

    My gf asked for time apart two weeks ago because she became anxious when seeing me because we argued so much. So I moved out and back home and she messaged me that night saying ‘I’m sad we can’t speak’ and I messaged back. The next few days she messaged me normally and then after about a week she said she didn’t know if she could be in the relationship anymore. I panicked and text her continuously that day. Two days later I went up and gave her flowers (which I haven’t done in ages) and she was very cold with me. I’ve since text her everyday, and I’ve pushed for an answer if we’d be ok and she ended it. She wants to remain in contact though, hasn’t changed her fb status, has photos up of me still up and says she still loves me very much but doesn’t like the relationship. So she knocks me back constantly if I imply anything about the relationship. We do disagree when texting and calling also still because I bring the relationship up. I feel like I pushed her away now from panicking. Any suggestions? Been with her 5 years. Only lived together 3 months. Arguing mostly because of my moods, lack of affection and arguing. I didn’t message her for one day and when I messaged the following day she said she missed me.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      She definitely still loves you but needs some space as well at this point because by panicking and constantly talking about the relationship, you might end up pushing her away due to the feeling of being suffocated. Definitely start working on how your mood affects the people around you as well to at least give her a reason to not walk away as well.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hey so my girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t talked to her since which was hard but I’m doing it. However we go to the same school, so when I finish no contact and start stage 3, should I start to talk to her in school as well as text her?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps start by texting if you're worried she may respond negatively towards you in public, and build up a level of comfort through there, but perhaps make small initiations as well in school.

      Reply
  • Kris S.

    I’ve restarted the NC with my ex and it’s only been a day and she text me today saying she has a interview tomorrow for a job in another city.. I don’t want her to go , however like Ryan said I acted like I supported her moving away when I really don’t.. I started the NC because she told me she doesn’t like me. It’s like she wants me around and then doesn’t at same time.. should I ignore her text that she has a job interview? Or should I say congrats and nothing else? be dry and short.. I figured if I ignore she would think I still don’t want her to leave and that’s why I ignored.. she doesn’t know I’m doing NC. she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to... girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she really has made her mind up to go, depending on the her character and how she feels about you, there may not be much you can do to get her to stay. You could go along with a reply that wishes her all the best for the interview but cheekily add a hint that you'll miss her if she goes, and see how she responds to it.

      Additionally, you can have a read through this article regarding what to do if your ex may be moving away soon.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Hi my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago and so far I have not had any type of contact with her. However we go to the same school so when I start to re-establish contact with her in stage 3, should I continue to not talk to her in school?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could start talking to her again in school once you've established a comfortable level of contact with her so that there is no awkwardness when talking face to face.

      Reply
  • JoCo

    Hi, I hope this gets read in time. My girlfriend of 11 months asked for space. I was trying but got a bit needy and Space to turned to full break so she can feel free to think without the pressure of me wanting it to all be alright. NOW THE QUESTION. After saying she wants to breakup, she said she wanted us to be friends and run this Spartan Race with her as a friend. Told her I wasn't sure I could. I waited a day and then told her yes, as friends. Now I'm doing no contact for 10 days until the race. I plan to play it cool at the race - be funny, light and impressive. But what happens after? Do I go back to no contact or start the text process? or skip to getting her out for a coffee date?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Typically, you would go back to no contact but if the meet up that takes place ends on a positive note, perhaps you could continue the conversation to see where it leads to, but any sign of negativity and you should go back to NC again.

      Reply
    • JoCo

      I'm hearing that if it goes well, there's no need for NC. Just know the old relationship is over and we are building a new one from scratch.

      The question is if it goes well, do I make the next get-together coffee/beer for momentum (all fun, no relationship talk) or slow it back to texting to gain trust?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on your current level of relationship with her and comfort levels. If you're on talking and friendly terms still, then that would be possible but if the breakup had ended badly or there IS a need to build up trust first before asking her out, I suggest not to jumping the gun on the texting process.

      Reply
    • JoCo

      Great website. The Five Step Plan! Here's a Follow up for everyone (Since no one else does): We carpooled to the race (her suggestion), we ran, had a blast the after party. I went home and did not contact her. That night she sent me all the pics and video she took of us (even though she was at a party when she sent them). The next day she posted them all on her Facebook wall and tagged me. I'm lost from here. Do I do more NC (to show I'm no longer needy), go to slowly increasing text frequency or try to get together in two weeks or so?

      Reply
  • debo0450

    Hi, I’ve read the 5 rules and it’s fantastic advice!....many thanks for posting it for free as well....my question relates to the NC rule and related time period.....considering my breakup is only a few days old .....here’s the story.......My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me after our first fight, we had both had a few drinks and i ended up checking a message she had received on her phone, my intentions were innocent enough in my mind but she didn’t see it like that, long story short I tried to get her to talk and wanted to apologize but she ended up organizing a friend of hers to pick her up from my place, I got angry and said something hurtful to her, felt instantly ashamed and then rushed her out, I let her be for a day then after trying to call her I texted my apology which I feel came across as sincerely as I meant it, later that day she texted me that she couldn’t get over the betrayel and that we were done, the text was scathing and attacked me quite personally so the anger was still fresh.....I didn’t bite back, instead I agreed with her and expressed my remorse for my actions....I think it was more about the way I acted afterwards that hurt her the most, she then went on to question the how and why of my actions and reactions for a while to which I replied as best I could.....I haven’t begged or pleaded I’ve simply told her how how much she means to me and that my hurtful comments were totally undeserved and that I understand and respect her decision to end things......what can I do from here? I’m really not ready to let this girl go.....there has been no contact since the breakup albeit only a few days ago, and we have remained Facebook friends if that means anything

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest giving her some space to cool down before trying to talk to her again. Since the breakup happened only a few days ago, it would be a better idea to give her a couple of weeks before dropping her the message.

      Reply
  • Jake

    Hey so my ex and I have been talking casually after a period of 1 month no contact. I initiate contact a majority of the time, its all positive a good amount of the time, sometimes it is kind of neutral. around 2 weeks ago i asked her to lunch and she said yes, and earlier this past week i called her and we had a pretty good conversation about our past relationship and how we both felt we leaned on each other too much and kind of lost ourselves. A day or 2 later, while talking she asked me to hang out... shes a shy and reserved person by character, she even admitted she was very nervous when we met for lunch. I feel like were moving in the right direction (ive been following some great advice on here). I just want to try to get her to open up more, and maybe initiate more contact without feeling nervous. I have tried to not over text her because i feel i was needy towards the end of our relationship.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear. It seems like you're on the right path the way things are headed, and you'll probably just have to continue to build a level of comfort with her so that she automatically starts to open up more. It might take some time but be patient.

      Reply
  • Lazaro

    So I applied the NC on my ex and today I sent her a message I don’t know like something told me to do so! And she replied I even asked her wyd and she said I’m going to the hospital and then eat with my cousin days before she will so “nothing” and then was time I have nothing else to say and she keep replying!! Then I told her I’m going to the gym and she said okay. Like I said other days she will just read it and not text back. And then she went off for 3 hours then reply me saying “sorry I was at the movies” she’s apologized for not texting me for 3 hours... and make her laugh and now I just said bye to her I’m going to sleep and she reply to! What does this mean ? Should I keep texting like nothing happened? Or should I stop ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you are only at the start of no contact period, I would suggest you to continue on with it but if most of it has been cleared, then you could continue with the conversations to see where they lead and if it's possible to build up a level of comfort and friendship with her again. However, if she starts to reply negatively or coldly towards you, go back to NC again and don't get emotional or overthink the situation.

      Reply
    • Lazaro

      So since that day till now we keep the conversation going... honestly I didn’t spect this because there was time we have nothing else to see but she keep replying. And I was at working busy I didn’t talk to her for hours and when I sent her a massage she reply at the minute! I thought it was going well but then Yesterday she post a picture with a guy she caption it as “is my bestie “ then while we were talking she told me she went to eat I guess rn his house because she said “my best friend’s mom maked it soo good and spicy” by the way I didn’t went crazy on her when I saw this picture or when she told me that instead I tell her positive stuffs! So I went offline again and like 2 hours later I told her I was busy at work and she said she was going bowling with his “friends” she said “friends” so I guess it was 2 or 3 but no instead if was this guy because later she post a video of this guy again
      I don’t if she want get me jealous and go all crazy or she really starting a relationship with this guy and she just test me see if I go crazy!
      And then she told me we going to get some pizza all I said is “that’s awesome, pizza are sooo good... remember to finished all your meals” she said okay
      Then I told her her home safe
      She said she will after that i reply “awesome. Ik you can take care of yourself”
      Then she didn’t reply!
      Now I’m here like thinking what should I do next ?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps wait a couple of days before texting her again, and see if she texts you first in that duration. This person might genuinely be a good friend, or it might be something else, but either way getting jealous over it may result in bringing up insecurities and those emotions may show, resulting in her closing up to you. Continue with trying to build up the bond with her and perhaps even arrange for a meet up soon.

      Reply
  • Joostieee

    Hello, i have a question. What if I did no contact for 23 days and now I have to see my ex on a festival because we have mutual friends. How do I have to react to her? During the break up she said she still had feelings for me but it just didn't work between us. In the meantime I really showed to the mutual friends I have improved in both my physical and emotional attraction.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's fine if you're going to have to face her, but perhaps limit small one-to-one talk with her during the event itself. Be friendly but focus on your friends instead. Your presence could easily affect her depending on whether she still has feelings for you, and this would be a good opportunity to show off the changes you've made since the break up.

      Reply
  • Constantin

    Hi! I am writing you, because i have a doubt and hope you will make light to me. I've begun de NC process and i realize that after a week is my ex birthtday and i don't know what to do. should I tell her "Happy birthday!" not to be rude Or should i continue with the NC process? Do I have to take it all over again if i tell her "Happy b-day" ?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You won't have to restart NC if you decided to wish her, and it's fine to wish her if you really want to but avoid continuing the conversation afterwards and keep it short.

      Reply
  • Jamie

    Hello to everyone in the team. I took your suggestion of drafting a letter and want to show it to someone to ensure that I get the best possible response from my ex. Please could you respond and I shall send it via email? Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could post the letter on our forum page, and the community could effectively give you feedback on it.

      Reply
  • David

    Hello,I’m in a situation I can’t even describe….My ex and I had been in a long distance relationship of 4.5 years.We really felt in a connection despite the fact that we both live really far from each other(Me in Asia and she in Europe).We had different religion from begin with but yet we still loved each other regarding that.We had fight many times like in every relationship but that never effect us that way.
    Yesterday she just broke up with me saying she don’t love me like that anymore and can’t see a future of us being together.It really broke me as she just do that to us all of a sudden despite everything was going so well.I really don’t know what to do so I was just crying and begging in grieve but despite all that she just left.Blocking me from her facebook and everything.I have her phone number but I don’t intend to call her as she might block me from that too.I really want her back in my life.
    I don’t know how long I should keep NC with her.What am I supposed to do then.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Hi David, not to sound negative but if there was no particular reason and she broke things off with you all of a sudden without any major incident, it could mean that she genuinely lost interest because of the distance, or might even have another person in her life. Regardless, if you still want to give it a shot, I suggest waiting around 2-3 weeks before contacting her again. However, if she still does not respond positively or hasn't unblocked you, I strongly recommend you considering the idea of moving on.

      Reply
  • Bruh

    On the night of April 1st, my girlfriend of 2 months told me that her interest level in me has been going back and forth, so she wanted to break up. This girl is beyond everything I wanted in a relationship; she is somebody I think is too good to be true. I did everything I could to get her attention since May 2017 and we finally started dating in Jan. I am not about to give up on us.
    That night I told her how much I valued her, and she decided that we should take a break and she will contact me when she has made her decision.
    I have been improving myself since then. I've lost a few pounds and I changed my hair style. Any other advice?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps you could also make these changes more visible to her, through the use of social media to highlight the positive changes you've made known and to increase her awareness towards you.

      Reply
  • Kris

    So I was with my ex for about 5 months and 2 weeks. She is a single mom and we both agreed that we would take it slow and not bring her daughter into the mix for a few months. About 4 months into it I finally met her daughter because I felt we both were at a point in the relationship where I saw a future together. She has been very adamant about wanting another kid or two somewhere down the line. The thought of having a kid has always been something that has scared me. Deep down I want it but I still get nervous when talking about it. It's not something I take lightly and I told her that I might want them someday but I'm unsure. Anyways fast forward to roughly a month ago, me and her took her daughter to an amusement park for the day and had a lot of fun. That is until a certain point when my ex just looked distant and/or upset and said she didn't feel well and wanted to go home. It wasn't until a few days later that she told me she needed to break up with me because she needed to be single, that she isn't going to be dating anyone soon, and that she still wanted to be friends since we were both pretty much each other's best friends. I did tell her that I don't think I could be "just" friends with her though.

    The break up conversation only lasted a short time and even though I told her I understand and wished her the best I was absolutely devastated. It seemingly came out of nowhere and I never really got a chance to ask her what it was really about. In the past my breakups have been horrible, like the lashing out creepy stalker shit but this time I honestly am not mad at her and just want her to be happy. But I also want her back.

    I have been doing NC for about 2.5 weeks now and finally my head is clear enough to get out of bed and try and focus on improving myself. I think part of the reason we broke up was because I had kind of let myself go physically and my insecurity about my body started coming out. I have been exercising and eating better since. But part of me really wants to talk to her to find out what went wrong and what the actual reason for us breaking up was. I don't know if that would be something we talk about after the NC period or just forget about it completely and start over.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It could be something you address down the lines after NC is over, but first establish a friendly relationship with her before moving onto such a heavy topic. Bear in mind as well, that by bringing it up, you risk reminding her of why she broke up with you which may potentially push her away if she's the sort to get emotionally affected by the past.

      Reply
    • Kris

      Thanks for the reply. We had many healthy conversations over issues in the past about each other's past but I suppose this topic might be different. I'm starting to get to a good place mentally. When I think about her now I smile instead of cry even though I miss her greatly and I'm trying to not get my hopes up and pre-accept that she doesn't want to get back together just in case.

      Reply
  • Dave

    Me and my ex split up 2 weeks ago after 2 years. I definitely want her back, and for the right reasons. She did it via email which is fine cause we would actually email a lot. About a month or so ago she said she'd needed a little space temporarily, and I didn't really do that (which I realize now made me seem desperate/selfish) so she was upset in her breakup email. "I didn't care about what she was asking for;she waited for me to show her how marvelous our life would be together, she didn't think I was right for her, she'll always love me..." The next night she sent a short, much nicer email telling me she prays I'm doing well and she "definitely doesn't laugh as much," not being around me. I sent a long email a couple days later. I guess my question is does it seem like I could get her back? I'm in no contact right now for about a month. Does that sound right? I'm receiving the emails from Kevin already but thought I'd see if this helps too. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems like you're on the right path, and you definitely have a chance as long as you show her the changes that she needs to feel happy/secure in the relationship again.

      Reply
  • Jon doe

    Hello, I'm in a predicament... Soo I was with the coolest girl for 9 months but I was afraid to commit. Because I had gone in with wanting to take it slow and find the perfect girl for me. She just didn't seem that motivated to do the best she can in life (best being a very broad term) so I feel I had held back from commuting due to not seeing what I wanted in a lifetime commitment. So I not purposely pushed her emotions aside because she was deeply in love with me and I did not see it the same... Soo now she dumped and wants to move on but I think that I would be making a big mistake if I let her go... Obviosly communication needs to be worked on, and so does my issues . I read the whole article,but is their any different advice you would give, I honestly think I just need to work on showing and talking about what I am thinking instead of locking them away, any advice would be great... Side note it happened 2 weeks ago we did have sex like 4 days after and well was good that night but next day she wanted to not talk again... Soo obviously I sent a few sorry texts out but I have refrained the past few days..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Before you officially begin with no contact, was your ex fully aware of how you felt regarding the entire situation? Or did she regard it as you simply not being able to commit because you didn't feel strongly enough for her? I suggest making your intentions and thoughts clear, since this contributes to a healthy communication system. If she is fully aware and is still giving you the cold shoulder, then you should start on NC to give her some space to cool off and let go of any negative emotions she feels towards you.

      Reply
    • Jon doe

      I think that she thought I honestly did not care enough... I mean she barely makes enough to get by and I did soo much for her besides physically paying her bills. She is a strong independent women and I know I shouldn't try and change who she is I just don't wanna see her struggle, and when she never followed through on anything to help herself I just thought would she eventually drag me down.. But our communication was 0. And toward the end I felt her distancing herself she even told me so because she thought I would just leave one day... But I'm loyal. I just want her to know that I would commit fully if she just maybe showed me something... But she said she wanted some space so I thought I should give it too her, maybe this weekend text her , cause I do have a few things at her place I will want back if I don't see her again (no not gifts ha)... I also don't want to hurt her because she has been hurt in the past and she is an awesome perso!

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's good to hear. It sounds like a good plan to schedule that meet up to at least pick your stuff up, and perhaps have the opportunity to express yourself once more, and to see if both parties can finally communicate their thoughts properly in order to work something out. If not, NC would probably be your next best solution short of walking away from everything.

      Reply
    • Jon doe

      Well I don't think the no contact worked in this one because she said she ran in to her ex... But my persistence actually paid off,and showed I did care.... Maybe tmi but I think I got her back but not 100%sure yet... But we did just do it 3 times today?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear. Now continue to build up a positive relationship with her, and do not let any negative emotions or insecurities get in the way of your actions.

      Reply
  • Osiris

    Me and my ex were in a short relationship of 3 months. I’m still confused if a month of no contact is the way to go, or should it be shorter?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      For your case, since the relationship was not for a long period, you could reduce NC to around 2 weeks before contacting your ex again.

      Reply
  • Breezy s

    Want to talk with you personally is it possible...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      We do provide personal one-to-one coaching with Kevin at a subscription rate if you're interested.

      Reply
  • Benji

    I cheated on my ex girlfriend a dee months ago and weve been in moderate contact ever since. Shes started to date this guy but I just started to not contact her yesterday. Since then ive asked her to stop contacting me but shes now telling me she is going to kill herself because of how she has no real friends and how she knows her new boyfriend will cheat on her and how she misses me a lot but she says she will feel wrong if she hangs out with me or something and she is complaining about how horrible her life is right now and how she lnows im the only one that can make her feel better. She’s trying to get me to admit I l love her but im trying to stay firm and not give into her. She said shes about to block me because she is going to kill herself because she thinks I don’t care about her anymore from trying to avoid talking to her. Im not sure what to do she thinks I don’t care about her anymore and I want her gone

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I'm not entirely certain on what you're asking advice for. Is your intention towards winning her back or that you don't want anything to do with her?

      Reply
  • Jesse

    Is it possible to get back with an ex who’s been with her bf for almost a year? I have her on Snapchat but the only communication we have is saying good morning to each other and the occasional conversation. She broke up with me in October of 2016 and I don’t know why I’m still not over her and I hate myself for it. I’m still working on myself but I just want to know what to do for when the time is right. Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the time comes, and she breaks up with her boyfriend, perhaps start by building up a closer friendship with her again, by regaining her trust and comfort, before attempting to move on with anything. However, remember to take things slow or you may end up being the rebound for her breakup instead.

      Reply
  • Johnny

    I'd like to thank you guys on this article, it's helped me a lot during my grieving stage. I'm writing on here asking for any advice you may have. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, we've been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We have been living together for almost 3 of them. The reason why she wanted to leave me is because she wasn't feeling loved. I work out of town for part of the month, but lately I had to work extra causing me to miss precious time with her. We broke up on good terms, but since we were living together she packed a few things and is staying with her male friends house. I'm assuming he's just a rebound, as they met about 2 months before our breakup. We still talk to each other on a daily note. At first I was begging her to come back, but after this article I've stopped doing so and giving her some space by not replying as quickly anymore. My real question is, do I have to implement the NC even though we are on good speaking terms and i've stopped asking (begging) her to come back?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      NC is also meant to create some distance from her, and to either give her the opportunity to miss you, or for you to create some positive changes in your life so that she takes notice and becomes interested in you once more. Since she might be going through a rebound now, it's best to let her sort it out because your interference might cause her to become more adamant to try and make things work with the rebound.

      Reply
  • jon

    Hey, thanks for the article and the tips!

    My ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago and I have been doing no contact for 27 days. We were in a 3.5-4 year long relationship. At first I naturally made the common mistakes mentioned in Stage 1 of this article (begging, pleading, denial etc). We still chatted for a few weeks after the break-up where she was still telling me about her day, whether it was bad, etc. Rather normal conversation. But eventually I told her that I needed some time to myself, to process the break up and so we could still try to be friends down the line. This went down well and we ended on good terms. We both agreed that there is still mutual love and respect for each other and we care for each other dearly, and what we have is special.

    After 27 days of NC I think I have realised that she is worth getting back. I have been working on myself and enjoying life BUT I still find myself missing her a lot. There is still pain and some disbelief and grief which is worse on some days but better on others. I realise that I will probably need more time in no contact before communicating with her (as we were in a long, meaningful relationship), but how much no contact would be too long? We are both busy with finishing uni, and I feel contacting her would be best when we are less busy... but if I leave contacting her till semester is finished, it would be 90 days of no contact. Would that be too long? Or should i aim for slightly less (e.g. 60-75 days of NC?). What are your thoughts on how long I should do NC and my chances in general?

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the relationship did not end on a terrible note, your chances are definitely good as long as the issues that led to the breakup are resolved. NC tends to extend beyond a month or two when the relationship ended on a bad note and one party still requires more time to recover. In your case, too much NC may actually backfire as it may lead to your ex moving on in the meantime. I would suggest taking things slow during this period but perhaps contact her to restart a level of friendship first. If you'd like to continue on with NC, I would recommend another month more at most before initiating some form of contact with her.

      Reply
  • Justin

    First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for all of your help. After my girlfriend and I broke up I thought there was no hope. But after I read your articles I employed no contact and in 3 weeks she started trying to talk to me again. Her friend who I talked to had no idea why my ex was acting like this but told me that she had been really upset lately. The next day she texted me and just flat out told me that she really missed me and wanted things to go back to the way they were between us. After 5 days of pleasant conversation she already suggested several meetups. Your strategies really worked for me. I was a little skeptical before, but I'll admit that I was wrong. You really did the impossible. Thank you

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's great to hear! We hope your journey would continue being pleasant and things end happily for you!

      Reply
  • Kyle

    Hey, I've been reading this article and it's helping me calm down. The thing is the no contact thing is where I have a problem. Me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and a half now and she would always say how she would never stop loving me and how we were gonna have a future together. Well just recently she told me she doesn't love me anymore and it's actually because lately she has been really busy and hasn't had much time to talk to me. So since that happened she figured she could do that for life, not talking to me at all. She said she still has some feelings for me but it's not as strong as it used to be. My fear is that if I do no contact she'll just continue to live life without me and never wanting me back, maybe even forgetting about me altogether. What should I do about this? I really do think the world of her and I definitely think she's worth the time and effort.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Distance might not be the issue here, but rather serving as a distraction from an aspect of the relationship she may not have been happy about. This may have led her to feel that not being with you or talking to you would be okay since she could survive during her busy periods doing so. Try finding out what it was that she might not have been satisfied with in the relationship and figure out if it's something that can be worked on to make her want to spend more time with you.

      Reply
  • MattJC

    My ex and I had a very good relationship, but we are both very different people as she is introverted and I am extroverted. We are in a Master's class together and it is a cohort, so we see each other once a week in class, every other week is in person with the other classes being online. We were together for about 11 months.

    At around the 10 month mark, she was upset that I was still talking about living and teaching abroad, she originally said she wanted to go with me, but had since changed her mind and wants to stay in the USA. She asked for a one week break and told me that I needed to think about what I really wanted. I was really upset, but thought about it and texted her the next day that I did not need a week to figure out that she meant more to me than living abroad. She called me about an hour later, crying, saying that she was an emotional wreck and that she did not want to lose me. She came over and we patched things up, or at least I thought we did.

    Things were great for about two weeks, but then because we didn't get to the bottom of what was really happening in our relationship, history repeated itself. She was still not confident that I wanted to be with her. We went on a weekend vacation together and she was starting to get upset at me for little things. On the ride home, she was saying that she was at the point in her life where she wanted to settle down. I don't remember what I said, but I am sure it was less than satisfactory as I was still having trouble letting go of my dream of living and working abroad.

    Another week or so later, our next class starts and the teacher asks what our dream job is, I stupidly, of course, mention living abroad, which really upset my lady. She voiced concern again after class. Then the next day, I was at her place and she was acting very distant and cold. Things ended up being better later that evening, but the next morning she sat up on her bed and started crying, saying that the past two months have been really difficult for her. She asked me if I really wanted to be with someone that didn't like the same TV shows as her or music. I told her we indeed liked the same shows and music, I listed a few off and she said that I was lying because I had suffered through them (I was not lying btw).

    She asks for another break and asks for a NC period of one week. I broke the no contact that she wanted and explained how I was feeling in an email, how things were not working and how I wanted to have a conversation on what we could do about that and that I loved her. She responded by saying that she was not taking time to figure out if she loved me because she knows she does, but rather if our relationship was working. We had class two days later and she ended our relationship on the phone and she said that I could email her with questions. I took some offense to this, but I still emailed her questions and of course begging and pleading and bargaining, not to just simply get back together, but to talk about what was wrong. All she would say is that our personalities do not work together and that she was enabling me, enabling the less-than favorable aspects of my personality.

    The last text that she sent me ended with, "I know myself and I know this is the correct thing because of what I said last night [having to do with our personalities]. I know it's the right thing." A week later we had class together, face to face, and it was very difficult to endure. She got a new haircut and was looking fantastic. I shaved my beard and did up myself as well. I kept catching her looking at me, and she kept catching me looking at her. After class I asked if we could talk face to face and she said, "I would not be able to handle that right now. Maybe with some time." That is the last thing that she said to me as I started NC after that text last Thursday.

    There are other events happening in her life. She got on bad terms with her roommate and started comparing some of the things that I do to some of the things that her roommate did in a negative way. She decided to move out due to her roommate and is moving back in with her parents about 45 miles away from me. We are also partners for an assignment coming up that is due in nine days. This can be done online, but we will have a face to face class the next week, so 16 days from now.

    I have been thinking about what caused our relationship to fracture and it seems it was both her being upset about me still wanting to travel as well as us not being open and honest about things that bothered us in our relationship and working on ways to make it better. Looking for advice on how to handle working together during NC period.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It's not just about you wanting to travel but it seems that you're at the stage in life where you still want to explore the world and expose yourself to new experiences (which is not wrong), but she is at the stage where she wants security and stability, which is something you subconsciously fail to do because of your differences. I would suggest figuring out what it is you ultimately value more at this stage and be honest with yourself.

      Reply
    • MattJC

      I have been doing a lot of thinking and meditating over the past two weeks. I realized that you are absolutely correct when you say that I subconsciously failed to give her the security and stability that she desired. I know that I want to be with her. There are other opportunities to explore the world. I am currently trying my best not to contact her, I am six days in and trying to focus on bettering myself. Thank you for your support with helping myself and everyone else on this site getting through these difficult times.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      All the best Matt. We hope that things work out well for you.

      Reply
  • Paul

    So I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 4 years , we had slowly been loosing the spark , sitting on our phones not engaging in convo , she’d go to bed early and I’d sit up a little longer before then going to bed myself . I knew we had to do something , but the convo would turn into an argument if we spoke about it , then she told
    Me that was it she didn’t feel the same , we’d grown apart , at first I agreed because I felt the same but thinking about it , I was still
    Trying and she seemed to give up . I moved out two weeks ago and I’ve been a mess , she’s been totally fine and says she’s happier without all of our arguments , the arguments I never wanted . I am now going to try the step by step guide because I love this girl with every bone in my body , I just feel she’s given up and is too stubborn for her own good . We have been texting almost everyday within these two weeks but I feel I’m annoying her , which I don’t want to do as I still want her back , which brought me to this website I’m now going to try the step by step guide .

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Yes, do follow our guide and the 5 main steps within in on getting her back. You can refer to our other articles for more help and information regarding each step.

      Reply
    • Paul

      Hi , thanks for the reply ! I’ve been feeling better about myself the past 2 days , I implemented NC and got the text she understood , although last night I received 10 calls and 7 texts asking me if I was okay , demanding I answered or she couldn’t sleep and would go on to contact my friend , I broke the rule just to say the same thing again , I then received texts to make me feel bad . ‘I would never do that to you even if I was trying to get back to normal life ‘ When actually she did , last week when I was in the denial/grief and needy stage she wrote back eventually but mostly left me in the dark . It’s this tit for tat thing , I don’t know if she’s thinking I’m not talking to her just to get back at her for doing the same to me , she can’t brake up with me then expect to still demand me to talk to her when it suites her no ? I really do love this girl and want to conversate with her but feel we need to change and don’t want to be walked all over and made to look easy/foolish/ weak

      Reply
    • MattJC

      Stay strong, Paul. I am going through a similar thing, only I wish that my ex would text me, even if she was angry. I have made it to 6 days without NC and feeling very anxious, but that anxiousness is decreasing with every day that passes.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      People instinctively tend to have double standards when they first do something that suits their whim, but dislike it when others do the same. Her angst will pass once she cools off, and you just have to continue doing what you've set out to do.

      Reply
  • Jean Paul

    Hi, so I kinda broke up a while back and we still loved each other. But a few days ago I asked her to get back with me and she said no. So thats when I started to feel the pain. 2 days of griefing later I started the NC period. On the 1st day itself she called me twice in the morning and i didnt answer. Later i told her I need space and time to heal and then she sent a voice note where she was crying and saying she misses me. But i Just told her after I heal and improve we should talk. The next day she kept replying to some of my whatsapp statuses but I did not answer. And today she just told me that she misses me again. What should I be doing to get her back? How long should I do NC for?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on how long you were together for. Ideally it would be 1 month from NC begins, shorter if the relationship length was only a short period. She may have said no back then to getting back together because she was upset or still confused, but the fact that she misses you and is constantly trying to talk to you, could mean that she can't control her emotions very well and may even want you back.

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      So we were together for 1 year and 4 months. Im also the first guy she ever went to third base with. After no contact should I take it slow or go for physical contact on the date itself? Should I keep doing NC even If I already stopped griefing? The thing is NC is being extremely hard for me cause we used to talk everyday from waking up to sleeping. When I stopped talking to her a lot she said that I took her for granted and left me. Some more advice please?

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      She also keeps telling me to come meet her. She even told me that she's home alone and that I could come over, I replied to her today, I dont know if its a mistake, but I badly need advice.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Continue with NC for the time being, and when you do initiate to meet up, do not jump right into physical contact until at least some familiarity has built up and she is comfortable with you. Avoid jumping any steps or taking shortcuts because you never know how she might be feeling towards you.

      Reply
    • Jean Paul

      I messed up and asked her out too soon. Will using no contact again but this time for 30 days work?

      Reply
    • Jake

      What do I when the end of NC is on April 1st

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Follow our main guide for steps to follow, and you could also refer to this article on what to do after NC.

      Reply
  • Jay

    Dear Kevin,

    Well written article and I really see what you are talking about. But I npticed that you skipped a part, what if she doesn't write after the elefant in the room letter, what to do next? Shall there be a new letter or just let go?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It would be best to continue with NC for another week or 2 before trying once more. If she still does not reply, it might be a better idea to consider moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Omar

    I also have another question. I know I should’ve followed the NC rule but a few days ago, I messaged my ex saying that for her to know that I still care about her and I too have a special place for her in my heart. I promised her that if she needs us to talk, if she needs me, I’ll be there. Mind you, we still have each other on Facebook and Snapchat. A few nights later, she posted on her story about a funny picture talking about going out on a Friday night for some beers because love is hard or sucks (it was in spanish so I tried my best to explain it in English) in which she captioned the picture by saying that it doesn’t sound too bad only the fact that she doesn’t really go out much. So after that snap, she posted what appears to be her way of showing sadness by using sad bitmojis with one eating ice cream and in tears and the other at a bar looking sad and the caption said that she’s calling it a night with the sleeping emoji and one of the sad emojis. So me wanting to be a good person with a good heart, I messaged her asking if she’s okay to which she didn’t respond back. What say you?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If the connection is truly a deep and meaningful one, it's unlikely that she would walk away from the relationship so easily. Perhaps she might just have been busy or did not see your message, or that she isn't ready to talk about it. Don't read too much into her not replying you, and continue with NC if possible.

      Reply
  • Mario

    Hi,
    I am a 30+ year old that recently moved to a foreign country for a job and been going out with girls for 1 year now since I broke up with my long-term girlfriend (break up due to long distance relationship). A few months ago had a date with a girl which turn out to be on of the best dates ever...very intellectual and with a final huge discussion that brought us together. Since then we grow fond of each other and kept in touch for a couple of months (we had travel vacations and other appointments so no 2nd date for a while).
    Later we had a 2nd date which was amazing. 3rd date came,learn more about each other...few days later we were dating each other... holidays came 2 days after, and each one came back to their home cities/ country. After 2 weeks vacations constantly texting each other, we get back to where we lived and continued dating. The 1st week was very challenging since we didn't know each other that well and we are from different cultures (western and middle/eastern Europe), but always talked about everything and it all went really good and felt so right...has a couple we had soooo much in common! After 3 more weeks of constantly dating each other and already growing very fond to each other, she had to go to another country (not far from here) for a 1/2 year internship. Before she went I told her I wanted to still be with her and that emotioned her deeply.
    We kept in touch for a while (and in love) but after 3 weeks, other by fear or anger of the older failed relationship, I try something different (on facetime) which she didn't appreciate...of course we had a huge fight and basically haven't spoken much since then. After a week we talked a bit by skype and basically ended the relationship. She told me then she felt she didn't know me and she didn't like one thing about me which I responded that we dont know each other that well for her to know if I am like this or that... after a while, I figure out that it was true since I never open myself to her much because I knew she was going away. We still texted a few times just sending a song or just saying few words like we liked very much what we had. It always felted right when I was with her (1st time I ever felted that and really strong) and she previously confessed that to me 1st. I know now that my mistake was never open much to her which didn´t allow her to relate more to me and to feel more close... although it has been more than 2 weeks without any contact and I feel more rational...still want her... what should I do? Is it too soon (it has only been 3 months since I meet her) to feel that much? Never wrote a message trying to explain what happened and how much I am sorry for not being more open...should I do it? She is coming back to town for easter...should I try something already? I need closure...

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since the relationship period was not very long, it would be okay to end NC after 2-3 weeks. Check in on how she's doing and perhaps try to restart a casual friendship first, and see how she responds to things.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Hi,

      Thank you very much for the reply and your work.
      Already sent her an message but it has been almost 2 days with no answer...want to text her again. Should I do that? It feels like it meant nothing for her...and it is not an adult attitude not to answer at all.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Quick Update, just received an answer...a little too "cold"...She just said happy easter to you too, that everything is fine and hope I am too. No space here to answer back I guess... :(
      Any suggestions?
      Never told her the stuff you talk about on stage 3...should I do that at any point?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could go with that, or perhaps it might be too soon to be initiating contact with her, as she still harbors some form of negative emotions towards you. Perhaps try initiating conversation with her once more but with a topic that can be prolonged on her end instead.

      Reply
    • Mario

      Hi,
      Thank you for your time and reply.
      I texted her to try to prolonge conversation but it has been more then 2 days... I feel she is over me and there’s nothing I can do ( she is a very independent woman, very pratical, and fixed on her ideas). Never wrote her the stuff you mention on part 3, and I am sure it is too late or worst if I do it. Maybe it is time to move on, eventought I had never experienced nothing like this relationship that felt sooo right...so special... It has been almost 2 months since the breakup and eventough I’ve already been with other women, still miss her...
      What are your thoughts?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Apply NC for another week or two and try to start conversation with her one more time. If she still does not respond positively or show interest, perhaps you're right to think that it may be time to consider moving on instead.

      Reply
  • Omar

    Hello, there. My name is Omar. I’m 25. Just a few days ago, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to fights, a slight misunderstanding on both sides, and life. She made it very clear that I shouldn’t try to change her mind because she won’t change it however we were together for 2 months and now some of my friends and my family couldn’t believe we are no longer together. However, my mother is the only one that’s actually pushing me to fight for her instead of just giving in all because she said she won’t change her mind. She also believes that after thinking about this, that she will call me. Is it still possible that I could get my ex-girlfriend and keep forever? I do miss her and yes, I am a man of acceptance and respect, I’m also a man that refuses to give up until I ultimately have to. Please right me back and help me get my girl back.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you really love her, it might be worth a shot to try and chase her back. Understand what went wrong and why the fights happened and convince her in your way that things would change. Keep in mind as 2 months is not a long time, it might be easier for her to walk away and move on, so there's no guarantee that you'll get her back, but it's still worth a shot. I don't recommend you do the full NC period of 30 days but perhaps give her a week of space for now, before contacting her again.

      Reply
    • Omar

      Oh okay I get you. And another thing and maybe you might see it the same way in terms of the length of the relationship but last year I want to say in August, that was when we both started talking and since we both had busy schedules, we took it by day, week, and month. We both understood that we both have school and work and so we both put in the effort to take things slow and go from there. She opened up about her past relationship of 5 years but she told me that when we went out on a date for the first time, that was her “official” first date because according to her, her previous ex before me wasn’t really the boyfriend type. She also claims that when it came that I would introduce her to my folks, that would be the first time for her that she would meet her boyfriend’s parents in a formal manner compared to how her ex conducting the “introduction” of her to his parents. She said that it was a party and they both ran into his mother and was like, “Oh and mom this so and so.” Having said all of that, we spent months working hard to finally become official which we did in January. Her family welcomed me with open arms and her older brother once said to me that I’ve done a lot more for her than what her ex did for her in the five years they were together. So my question is, would it still be easy for to walk away after having that much of a deep connection? What say you?

      Reply
  • Sebastian

    I was seeing this girl for about 5 months. Everything was going great until the last couple of weeks. I started to notice she was a little bit distant from me but every time we hung out it was perfect. Then at her house she dropped the bombshell on me saying even though she was falling in love with me she's been unhappy recently. The reason is because she started to ignore this feeling of how she needs someone more adventurous like her ( I'm a bit on the reserve side compared to her). Honestly she couldn't explain it very well and she admitted she couldn't but she said she can't go on like this. We ended up watching a movie together one last time and said our goodbyes. She stated she still wants to remain friends with me ( this is a first for her since she is very adamant in not having any sort of relationship post breakup with her exes.) I decided to go NC with her since I know it's important after a breakup but after three days SHE texts me asking me how I'm doing. We keep the convo small and continue our txt relationship as it was before ( sending memes and videos). We only said once that we miss each other but other than that it's been superficial. Lately she hasn't been texting me as much and I'm freaking out. I continue to go NC but it is hard. We actually are going to a concert in mid April since we bought the tickets back in January and she still wants to go which I guess it's a good thing. I feel like her feeling of insecurity just made her confused and I know we still have a lot more to offer each other. How should I approach going forward?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest that you complete NC first, and set the concert as the date where you re-initiate contact once more with her. This is the time to pick yourself up and make some positive changes to your life in order to capture her interests once more when you see her again.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Thank you. I will listen to your advice. One more thing. On the night of the breakup, I asked her if there is a possibility of us getting back together in the future. She stated there wasn't one ( she is also very adamant in not getting back with her exes, however she did get back with one ex, thinking he had changed for whatever reason, but ended it after the ex revealed he just wanted a physical relationship). She also told me that I was the best guy she ever dated because besides treating her with respect and showing her love and affection none of her exes showed her I also have my life together in terms of having a career, wanting more in life, and having a good head on my shoulders. Regardless if I follow your plan fully, should I even get my hopes up of a reconciliation if she told me there is no chance of us getting back together?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Most exes would probably say that there is no chance of getting back because that is what they feel in the moment, but fail to take into consideration the emotional aspect of themselves and how sometimes it can't be controlled. You shouldn't get your hopes up because you may start to develop expectations, but just carry out the plan with the intention of becoming a better person in general.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      The concert is coming up in a couple of days and I want to get some advice. I've done my best in becoming a better person and I also have been analyzing what went wrong in the relationship and how it can improve if a second chance is presented. I've also been doing the NC pretty well, but most of the time she sends me memes or whatever but I'd usually end the convo and continue NC until she texts me again. Once we meet up for the concert should I ask her if she has been seeing someone? How can I tell if she's feeling me like before or just as a friend? And also do you have any other suggestions on staying out of the friend zone? I feel this will be my best shot at trying to get the ball rolling again.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you're currently still in the NC period, there isn't a way of telling if she sees you as a friend or not unless she sends you text messages saying she misses you. At the concert, I suggest that you avoid talking about such personal topics until you formally end NC, and have properly re-initiated contact with her again. One way people get into the friendzone in the first place is when they become too predictable and boring, so do the opposite to create a level of mystery which may generate interest from her.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      I went to the concert with my ex. I went in with low expectations but it actually went better than what I expected. Before the show started we were having some beers and catching up with our lives since we last saw each other. I mentioned how I have improved since our time apart but not all at once so she wouldn't think it was an act. I noticed how she kept touching my arm at times and it wasn't until the intermission of the show where things got more touchy between us. I started using Kino where I would hold her hand as we walked through the crowd or brush her hair across her face and continued brushing her hair. There was a point where she was in front of me and I gently put my hand on her waist and tapping my hand on her thigh to beat of the music and she didn't mind at all. The best part was when she thanked me for taking her to concert and she kissed me on the cheek. But it wasn't just a small peck but more of a sensual kiss that caught me off guard. Overall I feel the night was successful even when we said our goodbyes she suggested we should hangout again.

      Now I don't want to get my hopes up but I still want to continue with the plan. My question is how long I should wait to ask her out again? ( I am flying out of the state next weekend and so is she next month). And how long should I wait before I make a move on starting over again? I do prefer taking things slow and getting to know her more on a deeper, emotional level.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Since you already know that you shouldn't rush into things, the best I can suggest it to go at a pace you're personally comfortable with. It could either be before you leave, or even when you come back.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      We went on a second “date” the other day. Long story short I felt she was sending mixed signals. We talked briefly about our past relationship where we mentioned our fav thing about each other personality wise. She thanked me for giving her space. I pretty sure she knows I still have feelings for her but I feel she is being more guarded about her feelings and doesn’t want together hurt again. Two things I would like to get your advice on: 1) she told me she’s going to a play and to Chicago with a male friend. When I asked who it was, she told me it’s someone I don’t know. Why would she reply with that answer, even though she has told me name of friends she has hung out before ( personally I don’t believe she is seeing someone, seeing as how it’s too soon for her to be doing something that fast with someone). 2) How do I explain to her I want yo take things slow with her?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she's sending mixed signals and doesn't want to share the name of the friend she's going with, it could be that she's subconsciously still worried and unsure on how you'd react to the situation. To answer your second question, if she's currently guarded against you on her emotions, your best shot is probably to show her with actions rather than trying to explain it with words because she might react negatively towards that.

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      Will you be able to explain what exactly do you mean by showing actions instead of words?

      Reply
    • Sebastian

      So I decided that I'm going to tell her that I need space from her right now because I feel I didn't get the closure I should have received from the beginning and she keeps sending me mixed signals. I'm going to cut her off completely until I'm ready to talk to her again. Should I keep it short in telling her I need space or go into more detail? Seeing as how I'm now going to go complete NC, does this lower my chances of getting her back because we kept a casual friendship right after we ended when she was feeling more vulnerable than she is now?

      Reply
  • R.P

    Thank you for the advice. I wish I had read this article 3 months ago. We were both married (she is still with her husband) I left my wife 6 months ago. There was a trust issue as I had lied to her about 12 months ago. I thought it was all resolved, but there was doubt from her side. I made all the mistakes in stage 1, an ended up stalking her one morning and got caught. We spoke a couple of times and texted a little after this incident. She has said she wants to be left alone to heal and recover. I have respected that. No contact has been in place for just over 3 weeks and I've decided to leave NC in place for at least another month. I saw her last week driving her car, she beeped the horn, I waved, so I think it's working It's so hard (we had been together for 2.5 years) but I'm now feeling really good about life and getting out and enjoying it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      That's good to hear. Ultimately, NC isn't just meant to give your ex space but more importantly you as well, in order to gain a new perspective and make positive changes to your life.

      Reply
  • John

    Hey, so I had this relationship with a girl for close to a year. We broke up a month and a half ago. It was because I was stupid I cheated, lied and kept everything from her. The first couple of weeks she would hit me up and try and talk to me and we would say we miss each other. Two days ago, her friend told me that I need to move on and that shes ready to move on out of nowhere. She told me she still loves me to the point where she cares about me, that she misses me as a best friend, but does not think about me as a boyfriend anymore. Then she let me know that she had been starting to hang out with someone and went on a couple dates. I kind of panicked and stuff, but ended the conversation with a genuine note saying im happy how everything is going that i handled it immaturely earlier, that im there for her if she needs me. I kind of want her back cuz I love her so much, and starting the past two days I have applied the no contact rule. How is my progress and what should i do in the future.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You did well not to end the note on an ugly one where most people may end up begging or using emotional blackmail. Continue with NC for now to give yourself some breathing room to pick yourself up. Consider the idea of being her friend for now and regaining her trust from there, and see if it's something you can handle emotionally.

      Reply
  • Jason

    Thanks for the advice but I need more help. Im 14 years old and my girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. I want her back. She said the reasons that she ended it was because "things were getting weird between us", and "We weren't talking as much and weren't hanging out as much"I will try to do the no contact thing but I don't think it will help much. I did make the mistake of telling her how much I loved her over text too much which may have been another reason she didn't like me. But all the things I said were for real and I meant them. But I need more help. She said she wants to be friends but i want more. She also ended it on text which is rude considering we were dating for almost 5 months. I havn't seen here in person since the day before she broke up with me so I need help on how to get her back. Someone help me please and respond I will greatly appreciate it.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      I would suggest trying to have a talk with her regarding this and to see if she is willing to work things out. You'll also have to figure out what her commitment level to you was, and how serious she was about you. If she was only exploring her feelings, but you've started to overly express yourself, it could cause her to feel worried and even back away from the entire thing.

      Reply
  • Jamie

    Hi, on stage 3 step one getting your ex to speak to your normally, I've just sent a letter to my ex following guidelines here but I'm wondering, what are the steps to follow if you get no response? Or a negative response? Been looking so I am prepared but can't seem to find the informatiion. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If there's no response, the best thing to do is to re-apply no contact for another week or two and try again. Should you still get no response then, it might be time to consider moving on instead since you've given it a shot but your ex is still unwilling to talk to you or entertain you.

      Reply
    • Jamie

      Ok thanks, seeing as the main goal of sending the elephant in the room letter is a clean slate sort of thing, and a response isn't actually the main aim, I shouldn't let the no response effect me to much should i? The letter I sent was following the steps outlined, just letting her know I understand why, accept it and have been working on myself, those problems and ending with some things I've been up to and saying is love to tell her about it all sometime.
      When I do attempt contact after the week or 2 after sending the letter, I'll do it by text, but what could I say? I don't want to say anything that doesn't warrant a response (I.e "hey, what's up" etc..) Trying to find an article on this on the website. Thanks so much.

      Reply
    • Kevin
      Kevin

      Hey Jamie,

      How about this article?

      Reply
  • Robert

    My X broke up with me 3 months ago. I took her for granted, showed her little respect and was constantly out most nights of the week partying and doing drugs. I have been pestering her a little too much asking her to come back but have now made significant changes and got help through counselling. I know she still loves me but feels I am manipulative and controlling (which I was) what can I do to get her back at this stage? Help!

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Give her some space and continue to work on your issues for the time being. Make slow initial steps to contact her and if she responds negatively, repeat the process again without pushing her too much or getting too upset, as you want to show her that you're no longer manipulative and that the ball is in her court to respond to you when she is ready.

      Reply
  • Avish gupta

    I dated this girl for 10 months before having a succesful freindship of 3 years. At first place she was concernd for future and wanted a break for sometime saying i need time just trust me i will be back to you i love you no doubt i tried to convienc her to keep me with you in every situation she also said no one will take your place ever no one will love me the way you did an less then that is not acceptable to me but the more i tried to convience her the more she got irriated and 2 days later started saying i don't love you anymore from the last fight i lost love for you i still tried to convience her and she got more mad and 3 days later said i have boyfreind !
    When i told our mutual freind about this they talkd to her and she said i need time and until i message him (me) first and i(me) need to focus on my career ! I am blockd what should i do we both loved each other a alot it all went in just 7 days I want her back !
    She is enjoying her life bought a dress talking to everybody and following my besties and family memebers !

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Perhaps give her some space for now as you might have pushed her away by trying to convince her to get back together with you. Work on yourself and allow her to initiate contact first since that's what she wanted, and in the meantime focus on your career.

      Reply
  • Shane

    I'm on day 2 reading this.. but i started the NC 3days ago......but my mom is contacting her .. is it necessary ?
    Anyways my ex wanted to be friends with me after the breakup,we are ok but it hurts to be friends with your ex and she's going out wth other friends..she's back with her family now in diffrent state, and she said that she's not coming back here and her family dosn't want her here, my hopes is gone really, she said that she loved some1 else , we don't see each other for 1week and we kept arguing for 1week and she had a bf the nxt week.. she dosn't chat or text me that much anymore, i noticed somthings wrong.. then i found out about this other guy about 3days after she got a new bf..i went crazy, i cried she said it's too late.....i think i pushed her far away from me, this guy is in a diff. Country , she said that they're going to live wth each other .. she said to my friends that she'll let them meet her new bf.. i was shocked , i was hurt..For 1year and 4months she left me just like that . She said to fix myself, she dosn't need my love anymore, and to give it to somebody else. I can't bare to hear that from her.. i just can't . She said that i ruind her life but it's her dicission to make not mine , she kept blaming evrything to me..but i still blame myself from losing her, i think i have a little chance . I have hopes but when i keep thinking about it i just lose hope..

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      To be entirely honest, you might be better off in moving on and letting go of her. Based on what you're saying, there's simply too much piled up against you and although there's a slight chance still, you'll have to ask yourself whether it's worth it in the first place to take that chance and go through what is potentially a lot of hurt in the process.

      Reply
  • John Smith

    My girlfriend broke up with me last week. We had been together for a year and a half and were pretty much living together with plans to have her move in all the way and also had a dog together. She told me I was an amazing man that I sacrificed so much for her and it wasn't fair because she hasn't sacrificed as much for me. She told me that she loved me very much and that she still wanted me. She also told me that she might be making a huge mistake by breaking up and that she free loaded off of me for a year. I told her that she was not freeloading off of me and that she had made lots of sacrifices as well. She said I deserved somebody a lot better than her. She said she has been unsure about us for a couple weeks, but never communicated that with me. I took her on a business trip with me the week before we broke up. I wasn't the nicest person the whole time because of stress about my work. The week before the trip she told me that she wanted to give my parents there first grandchild. Then after the trip she breaks up with me. I helped her pack all of her belongings from my house and we talked and laughed and we told each other that we still love each other very much. I found out that day that she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizer for quite a while and she was going to see her therapist. During the relationship I had some confidence issues I know she didn't like but I was working on them and she was helping me. She told me she would always love me and care for me and if I needed any thing I could always call her. We are going to share custody of the dog. I haven't made contact for 6 days I am going to wait until after her therapist appointment to see if I can visit or see the dog. What should I say to her to get her back. I have read your articles and they helped me a lot. I just want your opinion on my unique situiation.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It seems that her mood/therapist issues might have been the cause for her erratic change in choice from wanting to have kids with you, to suddenly breaking up. I suggest that you have an honest conversation regarding this, and whether the cause for her feeling this way is because she hasn't been taking her mood stabilizers as you mentioned.

      Reply
    • John Smith

      Thank you for your reply. I'm going to try and see our dog this coming week should I use that time to have a conversation about us or should I not being it up yet. She has been putting Snapchat stories out with her smiling and looking really happy I have only viewed one and was wondering how should I handle that?

      Reply
  • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

    Dear Kevin,I feel like I have a special case here. I've read and re-read through so many of your articles. And they are great! I'm just having trouble finding what to implement. Ill explain. My ex and I were together for 2 years. We have been split for a little over a year. The initial breakup sucked. So bad. We both did the running back to each other on random nights thing. Had some drunk makeout sessions. He invited me back to his place but he said he just wanted to have me there physically. When I wanted more. Yet the looks he was giving me all night long and the way he was acting and kissing me, was not that of someone who was over me. Well thats when I decided to implement the no contact. Because I didnt want to just be his one night thing. Then I came out to him. I told him I was a lesbian. (Im not, Im bisexual.) We met up for lunch a few times after that and tried to be friends but I messed that up. The girl I was into at the time didnt want me talking to him. So I didnt. For about 6 months. Well I went to a bar, listened to a band and got drunk. I couldnt drive home but I knew he worked at the bar down the block. So I went in search of him and found him. I was plastered. I was angry at him and hurt. I said a lot of hurtful things. After that night I did no contact for 8 months roughly. I recently contacted him in a state of depression (i know, stupid) about my current situation/girlfriend. And I have now figured out that I have been in a rebound relationship for a year. I was lonely. Very lonely. And everything happened so fast and now i look back and its been hard as hell and its been a year! Now Im realizing me and her have so little in common. It causes us to argue a lot. So my question is. Once I break up with my current partner and take the necessary time. Oh also, my ex is moving away to Florida in about 2-3 weeks. And Im nervous about that. But, I will not and do not want to stop him. Because he deserves happiness. On every level. And I think it could make him happy. But I also want to be apart of that happiness. I see a future with him. I always have. And I always will. No doubts in my mind. So.. what do I do?

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If he's moving away for personal reasons, you should not stop him since you have not been a part of his life for the last 8 months and suddenly holding him back might seem like a selfish thing to do. The time taken to process and fully deal with the current break up might result in him already moving by then, to which you could probably give him a personal farewell, and stay in touch while he's there, slowly building up a bond once again.

      Reply
    • Stephanie Nikole Sparks

      I definitely am not going to hold him back. He deserves happiness. But I do plan on seeing him off though with a lunch. Im not confused about that part. The part Im confused on is do I keep talking to him? Because weve been talking for the past 3 weeks now. And I havent known what to do because ive been figuring things out with my current relationship, so i just havent messaged him back. Hes texted me for the past 2 days... should i tell him whats going on with me currently or should i stay silent? Either way, im going to see him before he leaves because i want to. Oh also, he was the one that suggested we go to lunch.

      Reply
  • Tristan

    Hey, bit of background first..
    We were together for just over 6 months, both admitted what we had was different and we both said We loved eachother, the way we felt was different and better than previous relationships. We were both abit clingy and got a little jealous about others exes, things were abit complicated as her recent ex13 still had her number as to contact about animals they owned together.. we spent as much time as we could together (we work retail and have odd shifts) so when we could we would spend time together. Everything was great went on holiday together and having amazing relationship, talking about the future etc.. during the last month or so she talked about when we did meet up it was always same stuff and talking was similar, made attempts at spicing things up, I now realise I was in a bit of a depressed state due to my health not letting me go gym, and I stopped seeing friends and doing my hobbies, I didn't realise at the time I was shutting myself away from most people. Then a month and a half ago we broke up, over phone.. she didn't sound sure of it on the phone but it happened.. I begged and pleaded for the first day and then I stopped. I asked about giving her some space and then 5 days later I messaged and got negative reaction. I started NC and then 2 weeks later she messaged and we met up to swap stuff over. When she messaged I took my time to answer and she answered in the same minutes I replied, she was waiting with hee phone. When we met i was confident, happy, smiling, not letting her know how much it hurt. I am still in NC but I have been working on myself during this time, I know what went wrong during our relationship and have been working on it. Stopping my neediness, clingy behaviour, seeing my friends doing my hobbies like I wanted to, working on myself and getting a positive attitude and improving my mindset.

    I am going to follow the steps of the elephant in the room text, I am blocked on social media (some) but only removed on a couple others, don't think my number is blocked, but I'm thinking of writing the letter form of the elephant in the room text. My questions are, is there a way yet to send a draft of the letter for pointers and improvements? And does it sound like a good idea? When we broke up she told me she does still love me, but doesn't feel the same anymore, we agreed to be friends days after the breakup but not just yet. It happened out of the blue as the communication wasn't great towards the end about any problems between us, during the phonecall things came up from weeks before that if she had told me about them we could have talked and she wouldn't have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak, for example: she thought during a certain time that I wasn't happy and enjoying our day out, if she had said soemthing I would have been able to say and show that I was. This sort of thing happened a few times.. so I've been working on myself, my mindset, confidence, communication, emotions, messiness, everything, especially bad habits. But I want to get her back try.

    So yeah, what are thoughts on this? And my questions?

    I'm going to write the letter today, try not to send it until you reply.. but I don't want her thinking I don't care and aren't interested in her.

    Hopefully you'll reply soon.

    Thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could post your letter under our forum for feedback regarding the content. It definitely sounds like a good idea but perhaps wait until after NC is completed before sending the letter. It seems like communication is one of the key issues here, and it should be something addressed in the letter as well, since there was a clear difference in frequency regarding the issues between the two of you.

      Reply
    • Tristan

      Thanks for your quick reply! I'm drafting a couple of letters up just to compare, I've mentioned what I realised was wrong in the relationship that contributed to her decision, the fact that I have and am continuing to work on those bad habits etc, the main ones are communication and neediness from insecurity, apologised for how I acted during the breakup and am including in the letter the fact I am a better version of myself and am doing the things I normally do and wanted to do (giving a little glimpse).
      I have been in NC for a while now, it stopped for the day when she text me about swapping stuff and we met up, but then slipped right back into nc. Been a month now, how long should I stay in NC for? She is stubborn, but I don't want to miss the stage where she will miss me and go straight to moving on and forgetting about me, I know timing is important.. if she responds to the letter, should I respond or do the full NC for 5 days or so? Or should I engage in conversation if positive and follow steps in this post? Thanks, Tristan.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If she responds to the letter, perhaps move towards light conversation if her response is positive, but only if you feel that enough time has passed since the breakup.

      Reply
    • Tristan

      I'm sending the letter tomorrow, I've written drafts and then mulled over them just to make sure I'm happy with them, but a friend mentioned to me today "I wouldn't send a letter as it is kind of weird as it's sending it to her house" I don't think it is but if he thinks that what should I do if she does think it's weird and either responds negatively or doesn't respond? I've followed the guidelines for writing the letter on this blog post so it's not an apology letter or begging letter etc.. thanks.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      It depends on the situation, and how your ex might view your actions (sweet or creepy). If you start to feel uncomfortable with sending a letter for fear that she thinks it's weird, you could always send a text instead or an email.

      Reply
  • Alexander

    Im in a messy situation and i need help.
    I'll give you as short a story as possible, and hope you can help me.
    So me and my ex had been together for about a year, but things started to turn badly the last couple of months, and we would constantly fight. She had a hard time see things from my point of view, and i really believe i tried to the opposite to her. At one point the fights became so frequent, that i decided to break up with her. the first couple of days, she would constantly text and contact me, but soon accepted it after a couple of days, and asked us to be friends, and we did (she still sent hints that she wanted me back though). Soon after i realised that i still really loved her, and that i wanted to give it a last shot. So we came back together, and everything was great, but then the fighting started again and she wanted to take it slow, and i truly respected that. We had a great time after that, more or less. But then she got really drunk at a party, and cheated on me, and told me so.. In the beginning the shock really got to me. Anger, sadness, confusion. She wanted me back to begin with, and really truly was sorry. I said a lot of mean stuff, i really did not know how to handle the situation. 2 days after the cheating had been revealed, she stopped texting me, and we did not talk for two days and i could feel she had become annoyed and angry with me for keep writing to her previously, i then casually tried to start a normal conversation, and she answered pretty cold. Of course i got drunk that day, and she was out drinking too, so we met up. I begged her to give our relationship another chance, but she wouldn't, and said it was best this way. That same night i sent her like 15 desperate messages, all of which she didn't respond. The day after, i wrote really stupid things to her, which might have pushed her even further away. Later i wrote an apology for my behaviour since we broke up, and we decided not to contact each other for the time being. I really love her, and i am ready to forgive her, as i have been prone to neglecting her these last couple of months, and i deeply regret it, i realised i have to change for her, and i will. Should i just follow up with the no contact period, is there a chance for us?
    Sorry this didn't turn up to be short anyway

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      At this point, you can't look at things as you forgiving her and ready to give her another chance because she's no longer chasing you or trying to make things up to you. Given how things have turned out regarding your actions in pushing her away, it might be a good idea to go into no contact right now to give her some space to let go of her negative view on you, and for you to pick yourself up from the recent events and work on a plan to win her back.

      Reply
  • Jonathan

    Hello,

    My ex and I broke up on Monday and she used her daughter as the reason to finish it with me.
    Her daughter spent the night with her ex for the first time on Friday night and this was painful for her. Over the weekend she didn’t want to see anyone else and do anything else apart from spend it with her daughter. She said if this happens more often she will just want to spend time with her and not me. The other week she said we had a future and she said she loved me on Monday just before she broke up with me.

    What do I do? I have not contacted her since the break up and she hasn't me. What is the best way to win her back (if any?)

    Really good article by the way.

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You should prove to her that you're supportive of her choice in wanting to be there for her daughter since her daughter would always come first. Show that you're capable of that, and still be patient and loving to her in spite of her not spending as much time with you, and sooner or later she would open up to trusting you more and allowing you into her family.

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      Do I give her space? or what do I do?

      Do I tell her we can work around anything she wants?

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      What do i do?

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      Often times, a single parent dating again may have fears of committing themselves whenever a relationship gets too serious and some resort to finding excuses to push their partners away for fear of getting hurt. By proving that you're not going to walk out of her life simply because she tells you to, it might cause her to rethink her decision of wanting to end things because you come across as someone dependable. It's not about doing whatever she wants, but proving to her that you're trustworthy and reliable. You could tell her to take whatever time she needs with her daughter but you really like her and would still be there for her. You could even send thoughtful messages now and then, asking about her daughter, etc.

      Reply
  • Adi B

    I have a quick question, not entirely sure if you cover it anywhere on this site, but how do I avoid letting her “have her cake and eat it too”?

    For example, she showered me with gifts on my bday and now it seems only fitting that i respond since her bday is literally one month later same day.

    Atm i get the feeling that, like i said, I’m letting her have her cake and eat it too. I’m not too sure if i am using that correctly lol i hope you understand what i am trying to say. If i get her flowers and gifts to reciprocate, would that positively move her closer to bringing up getting back together?

    I apologize if this is a stupid question.

    We’ve been speaking for over a month after no contact and have gone out maybe 6 times. Sometimes i feel she wants to hint at getting back together but other times i feel she doesn’t want to.

    Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could use her birthday to soften her up with meaningful gifts, and that would probably increase your chances, but based on what you're saying - you seem to be doing fine even without that opportunity given that you've gone out with her a couple of times since NC. Just continue working on that and building up the level of comfort and bond you share with her.

      Reply
    • Adi B

      At what point do I try telling her if we can take it slow again or something? I am worried I’ll end up in the friendzone and sooner or later she’ll meet someone else because I missed the chance. I mean sure she may be battling herself with getting back together and not but at what point will she believe I am “just a friend” since my elephant in the room text was replied to with “let’s be friends.”

      What if she is expecting ME to make the move? Like I said, at times it feels as if she is still interested in more than friendship and other times it feels as if not, as if she isn’t even there.

      I’m not sure I am explaining myself correctly.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      You could always progress things along in a casual manner, similar to how you would progress when dating someone for the first time. Instead of just asking, why not go with the flow and let things happen on its own when you're out together with her.

      Reply
    • Adi B

      Alright that sounds like a good idea. Take it slow.

      I have another question. Typically, friends split the bill and each pay for their own food and tickets to whatever with some exceptions of course. Should this be my behavior? Or should I pay for everything still as if it was a date although we’re not calling it a date?

      I’m not trying to be cheap, I’m honestly asking if I should behave as a friend OR as a date.

      Reply
    • Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

      If you were trying to win her back and you think offering to pay might continue to further impress her, you could always consider that. However, if it's genuinely more towards building just a friendship up for now first, split the bill.

      Reply
  • Bradley

    Fantastic read..
    I stuffed up after 2 weeks Nc .. and gave her all the power.. she started having unrealistic demands topped off with she never loved me in the last 5 years we was together.. she is very angry because when she left i never chased her. Knowing my ex she is always after my to react..i think the last 5 month i have learnt not to react and that's why we are here.. after the demands and never loving me i didn't react and started no contact again.. now been 9 days. I have been blocked on social media she has been deactivating and reactivating her Fb... but i have to resist and temptation.. and book marking this site 9 days ago have gave me strength.. cheers for that
    Thanks again
    Brad

    Reply