Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances.
You may have already wasted a few of those chances. And maybe you feel like you’ve screwed things up for good.
But you can probably still get your ex-girlfriend back if you follow the advice in this article.
To make sure you don’t screw up the chances you have left, you need to think about it as a mission. Like in a video game. If asking her to get back together is the final fight in this game, you need to level up and win a lot of mini fights before doing that.
I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.
My name is Kevin Thompson, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for more than a decade now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex-girlfriends back. I am the founder of this website and our work has been featured in many reputable publications. (Read more about me and this website here.)
This article is everything I wish I had access to when I wanted to get my girlfriend back after a bad breakup.
When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and told me I would never get her back. (Spoiler: I got her back)
When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days thinking that I lost the only girl I would ever love.
When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise. Wondering if she will want me back. If she will love me again.
If only I knew back then what I know now. I am writing this article in hope that no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup.
But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.
A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.
This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.
How To Win Her Back and Keep Her?
The key to getting her back in a healthy long-term relationship is to give her space, focus on self-improvement, and be bold enough to reach out (at the right time.) Think of the whole process as a story-driven video game with lots of leveling up, learning new skills, and character growth.
For most guys, things feel very complicated and gloomy after a breakup. Especially if you feel your ex girlfriend was someone special. Especially if you imagined yourself spending your entire life with her by your side.
If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.
This confusion is usually accompanied by a lot of fear and anxiety. Fear of losing her forever. Fear of her choosing some other guy over you. And anxiety of making mistakes that may ruin all your chances.
This gamified guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walk-through, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.
Ever notice how in story driven video games there is always an arc where you have to go through a lot of main quests and side quests before you can fight the final boss. That’s because your character needs to grow and become strong enough to face the final battle. Sometimes you need new skills to get past a certain point in the story. And you may get at certain parts longer than needed. There may be twists and unexpected road blocks. But in the end, things work out, one way or another.
The same is true when you are trying to win her back. And this article will take you through the journey in a way that makes sense and is easy to follow.
This article will tell you exactly what to do from this point onward to get your ex girlfriend back fast and keep her. This guide will give you a blueprint to get your girl back as soon as possible in a healthy and long lasting relationship.
Table of Content
- Step 1: Take Control of Yourself, Stop Panicking and Don’t Do Anything that May Push Her Away
- Step 2: Fix What Was Broken In You and What Was Broken In The Relationship
- Step 3: Contact Your Ex In a Way That Makes Her Want To Talk To You Again and Get Over Her Need For Consistency
- Step 4: Reconnect with your ex on an emotional level
- Step 5: Ask Her To Get Back Together When The Time is Right
Stage 1: Take Control of Yourself, Stop Panicking and Don’t Do Anything that May Push Her Away – The Valley of Grief
Objectives: Things To Do
- Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away.
- Regain Composure.
- Start No Contact
- Grieve The Breakup
- Accept The Breakup
- Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones
The firs step of this article is to learn to take control of yourself, grieve from the breakup, and stop pushing her away.
A lot of guys find themselves in a dark and lonely place after the breakup. It may feel like you are completely alone and things are hopeless. It may feel like getting your ex girlfriend back is the only way out of this lonely, gloomy, insufferable place.
That feeling makes men act impulsively and do things that push their exes away. So the first thing you need to do after a breakup is try to understand your state of mind, stop doing the things that make you look needy or desperate, and start healing from the breakup.
1.1 Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away
The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must understand what you are going through and what you are doing that is pushing your ex away.
a) Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
You are going to go through extreme emotions after a breakup. And it’s very important that you are kind towards yourself when you go through these emotions. Once you lose your the girl you loved, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.
The stages namely.
The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But at this stage, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.
- And Bargaining
These three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think that breaking up with you was the best decision she ever made.
b) Understand What Pushes Her Away – Things To Avoid If You Want Her Back
You should avoid these mistakes if you want to get back with your ex girlfriend. The psychology behind this is quite simple if you think about it. Any needy or desperate behavior will just make her feel like the breakup was the right decision.
Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity
“My Girlfriend broke up with me. I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”
I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.
They try to beg and plead to get their ex girlfriend back fast. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.
The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.
Begging, pleading and being miserable will never make your ex girlfriend want you back. In fact, it’s more likely to push her away.
Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time
“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”
This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the more you will push her away. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.
Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and it’s obvious to her no matter how cleverly you try to hide it.
Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.
Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and You Will Do Everything for Her
“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”
Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her.
(Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it’s not quite the same after the breakup)
If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.
The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.
You can’t let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.
The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.
She doesn’t want you to do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because then you are letting her control you through fear. And she will keep doing it again and again. And that is not the type of relationship I want you to have with her.
All the mistakes we have covered till now are a direct result of insecurity and anxiety. The behaviors discussed above display insecurity, lack of self confidence and a panicked mind. To give you a scientific reference, a study done by Dr Katherine Carnelle, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD, shows that a secure woman would rather choose a secure man over an insecure one.
And if you think about it, insecurity is a hundred times more unattractive after a breakup. If your ex has rejected you once, displaying insecure behavior is only going to make her feel more unattractive towards you.
Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound
“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what a @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”
“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her fast and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”
In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.
But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.
Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names
“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”
“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”
I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.
If you ever feel the urge to say mean things to your ex girlfriend or do something out of anger, step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself that anything you do out of anger or panic is only going to push your ex away.
Who is likely to make these mistakes?
You can say that the more badly you want her back, the more likely you are to make these mistakes that push her away. If you are scared of losing her forever, you may act out of neediness or desperation and that may actually make her want to move on from you even more.
What to do if I have already pushed her away by making these mistakes?
These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief, panicking and acting impulsively.
So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.
And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them. We will talk about it in the third step of this article. Trust me, I have seen thousands of cases of men coming back stronger after making these mistakes.
The important thing is to stop making these mistakes as soon as possible.
Things To Do: (Moderately Important)
- Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.
1.2 Stop Panicking and Gain Control Over Your Emotions
Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid after the breakup, it’s time to learn what you can do to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.
In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.
What is the No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back?
No contact is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all after a breakup. If you still want her back, you can contact her after a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means
- No Texting
- No Calling
- No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
- No keeping tabs on her through her friends
- Staying away from her social media profiles
I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.
How No Contact Affects You?
When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.
In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.
Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.
It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.
You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.
Think of this addiction like a spell in a video game that reduces all your attributes by half and causes you to lose HP every two seconds. You can try to fight a boss with this spell on you, but you will most likely lose the fight. It’s just a lot easier to wait until the spell wears off before you tackle the final fight.
Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.
How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?
If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.
Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.
When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.
Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.
Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?
If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.
Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.
However, you can also choose to not tell her depending on your situation. It’s a personal choice. The most important thing is that you do what you feel is right for you.
Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?
Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this may make her rethink the breakup and possibly want you back.
Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?
By doing no contact, you are creating space for your ex girlfriend to miss you. When you don’t contact her, it will give her time to think clearly about the past; both the good and the bad. And if both of you had a meaningful relationship, there’s a good chance she will miss you and maybe even want to reach out to you.
In some cases, an ex girlfriend will feel a vacuum when you stop contacting her. She is so used to speaking to you that she will feel like something important is missing from her life once you stop contacting her.
And because of that, she may decide to call you, text you or do something on social media to get your attention. In other words, when you pull back, she may want to push. (Recommended Reading: The No Contact Rule and Everything That May Happen During No Contact )
Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.
What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?
My girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Should I still do no contact?
Yes, even if she dumped you for another guy, you should still do no contact. In fact, it’s even more important for you to heal than a normal breakup.
How Long Should You Do No Contact For?
Ideally, you should do no contact until you have healed from the breakup and are ready to contact her again. You should finish everything written in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of this article.
That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and fixed the issues that lead to the breakup (as portrayed by the inner demons in Stage 2). It can take anywhere two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.
But just for simplicity sake and for you to have number in your mind, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.
I Want To Get My Ex Girlfriend Back Fast. Is This The Fastest Way To Get Her Back?
Doing no contact, focusing on self-improvement and reaching out with confidence and understanding is the fastest way to get her back in a healthy relationship. So, if you want to win her back fast, you should still do no contact and finish stage 2 before trying to contact her.
Will She Come Back If I Do No Contact?
She may come back on her own when you start doing no contact and stop bothering her. It has happened to a lot of my clients. But it’s not something you should count on. Because even if she comes back, there’s a chance you will both repeat the same relationship patterns and breakup again.
Don’t do no contact hoping she will come back. If she does, it will be a pleasant surprise. But your focus during no contact should still be self-improvement, self-acceptance, learning good communication skills and building up your self-esteem as written in the next step.
Recommended Reading: Will She Come Back? 9 Signs She Might
I was the one who dumped her. Should I still do no contact?
If you broke up with her and want her back, then you first ask her to get back together. If she refuses to get back together, then you should follow this article in it’s entirety. And that means you should still do no contact.
Actionable Steps to Take (Important)
- Decide how long you need to do no contact
- Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
- If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”
Grieve During No Contact
You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.
When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.
Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.
The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.
But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.
Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.
You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.
You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.
1.3 Accept the Breakup
Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.
You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.
For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.
So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you contact your ex again.
How To Accept The Breakup If Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You?
For a lot of guys, using the breakup pain and the energy by putting it into self-improvement is a great way to move forward after a bad breakup and accept it.
The strategies in Step 2 of this article are very effective in regaining control over the emotions and healing from the breakup.
If this breakup has hit you hard, then take some comfort in knowing that you are going to come out of it stronger than ever. I know this because a lot of men before you have gone through the same pain, endured it, learned from it, and became better because of it.
Recommended Reading: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me and I Will Use This To Become a Better Man
1.4 Spend Time with Your Loved Ones
One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.
But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.
Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.
This part is also optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, then I urge you to try to find support in other places. Online communities, therapy groups, support groups and group activities are a great place to start.
Whenever you are ready in the future, you should make an effort to find friends you can trust and rely on to be there for you.
Remember, you are not meant to be alone. And putting the pressure on your ex girlfriend to fulfill all your social needs is just too much.
The study done by Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, also showed that guys who are usually the avoidant type, tend to isolate themselves after a breakup and try to suppress their emotions by indulging in alcohol or substance abuse. This is the least effective way to heal from a breakup, improve as a person or to get your ex back.
If you feel you tend to isolate yourself just because it’s in your nature, you must try to overcome this habit and spend time with people who you care about and who care about you.
I recommend you take this quiz to figure out your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back. It will also subscribe you the EBP Basics Email Course that will send you an insightful email every day for the next 30 days.
2. Fix What Was Broken In You and What Was Broken In The Relationship – Facing The Inner Demons
- Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
- Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
- Figure out if she is worth getting back.
- Become a Better Version of Yourself
- a) Become More Confident
- b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
- c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
- d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
- e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you. It’s about figuring out what caused the breakup and what you can do to fix that. Remember, you don’t want to get back with her only to break up again. You want a healthy relationship that passes the test of time.
In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).
If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.
Yes, that’s how important this stage is. Let’s begin by figuring out the root cause of the breakup.
2.1 Figure Out What Caused The Breakup
After you’ve calmed down and started no contact, you should start thinking about what caused the breakup.
I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like
“It’s not you, it’s me”.
“I am just not in love with you anymore.”
“I think of us as more like friends”
“I just don’t see a future with you.”
What she told you may not be the real reason for the breakup. She may have told you how she felt, but in most cases, she will not realize why she felt the way she did.
For example, she may have told you that she just doesn’t love you anymore, but what do you think caused her to stop loving you?
I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.
Reason 1: She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore
This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. When a girl stops feeling attracted to you or she loses feelings for you, she may say something like
“I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”
“I just don’t feel the same way about you anymore.”
“It’s not you, It’s me.”
Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.
- You always showered her with affection.
- You gave her whatever she wanted.
- You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative
In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.
If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.
In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity. And if you want to get a girl back after a breakup, you should get rid of this insecurity that pushed her away in the first place.
Showing too Much Affection
In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.
Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, it’s only natural that you show it to her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.
But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.
And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel like you want something in return.
A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.
You Gave her Whatever She Wanted
Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.
For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.
She is excited and forgets about the argument.
Win win, right?
Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.
If you want to give a gift to your girlfriend, do it out of love. Don’t do it because you expect something in return.
Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative usually try to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return.
This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.
Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation
Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.
As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.
- Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
- Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
- Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
- Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?
If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. If you find it hard to think this through, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at later when you have calmed down and can think rationally.
How to Make Your Ex Girlfriend Want You Back After The Breakup If She Is No Longer Attracted To You?
You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.
Once she realizes that you are no longer insecure and that you have become a much more confident and authentic guy, she will find herself wanting you back more than she ever did before.
That’s because you will be someone who is familiar, yet different, in a good way. You will be the same person she fell in love with, minus all the qualities that pushed her away.
Again, the only way to achieve this is to fix the deep rooted insecurity that was causing you to do things that were needy, manipulative and controlling.
Once you’ve fixed that, you need to show her these changes slowly and steadily as we will talk about in the next two steps of this article. If everything goes well, your ex girlfriend will want you back and will respect you more than ever.
Reason 2: She Does NOT See a Future with You
Your ex may still find you attractive, but she may have broken up with you because she doesn’t see a future with you. A lot of times, a woman will breakup with her boyfriend or husband because if she just cannot see it working long term.
Women (and people in general) need to have security in a relationship. She needs to know that you will be there for her whenever she needs you. She needs to know that she can trust you to help her when the tough times come. She needs to know that you care about her, about the relationship and about your future.
If she broke up with you because she doesn’t see a future with you, one of the following may be the reason.
a) You Became Complacent and Neglected The Relationship: Maybe you neglected her and the relationship for too long. Maybe you didn’t take her out on dates, didn’t show her how much you love and appreciated her. Or maybe you just ignored her needs and didn’t put any effort into keeping the spark alive. You never nurtured or cared for the relationship until it was too late.
b) She Wants a Future that You are Not Sure Of (Or You Can’t Provide): Your ex may want something in her future that she just doesn’t see you giving her. For example, she may want to eventually get married and buy a house with her boyfriend. She may have talked to you about it many times. She may have given you hints or she may have told you straight away that she expects you to propose. Lack of interest or inaction from you may have led her to think that you are just not interested in the things she wants. As a result, she decided to break up with you.
c) You Just Couldn’t Communicate with Each Other: Communication is an extremely important skill that is sadly not taught to us in school. In a lot of relationships that end, the core reason for the breakup can be boiled down to lack of proper communication. If you and your ex constantly argued, or you constantly misunderstood each other, then there is a good chance your girlfriend left you because of this. She may still be attracted to you, but she just can’t see herself being with someone long term who does not understand her.
d) Your Life is a Mess: This one is quite obvious. If your life is a mess, she probably will not see a future with you unless she is sure you can fix your life. Maybe she tried to help you fix your life but she realized that it’s not worth it and decided to end the relationship.
e) You Cheated or Hurt Her Badly in Some Way: Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex-girlfriend terribly. You may have cheated on her, or hurt her in some way that broke her trust in you. And as long as she feels she can’t trust you again, she won’t see a future with you …. no matter how much she loves you.
How to Get Back Together With Your Ex-Girlfriend If She Doesn’t See a Future With You?
Don’t just say that you will change. Show her.
You need to show her that you understand what caused the issues and you can fix that.
For example, if you neglected her, you need to first understand why you neglected her and fix that. If you were arguing all the time, you need to first learn how to communicate better.
If you cheated on her, you need to understand why you cheated and work on that. (Read: How To Get Your Ex Back After Cheating)
So, work on understanding yourself and fix the core issues that lead to the behaviors that pushed your ex away.
If you have some serious issues, getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great start.
Once you have a good handle on what went wrong and how to fix it, you should reach out to her as explained in the next step of this article. From then on, slowly rebuild a connection with her and show her how you have changed.
Whenever these issues come up, be ready to talk about them. Show leadership and maturity by tackling these issues head on and talking about how you can fix them if you were to get back together in the future.
Reason 3: She Broke Up Because of Circumstances
A lot of times, your ex will breakup with you because of no fault of your own. But because of the circumstances. Here are a few examples of this.
Long Distance Relationships
Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.
Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because she either stopped feeling attracted to you or because she doesn’t see a future with you.
If that’s the case, refer to the points above to figure out the reasons for the breakup.
Because of Influence of Others
A lot of times, your girlfriend will break up with you because of influence of other people. It could be family members or friends. They may have convinced her that you are a bad boyfriend or they may just be outright against her being in a relationship with you .
If this is you, then you must understand that your ex only listened to other people because she felt you didn’t truly understand her. In most cases, this happens because you neglected her for too long and she decided to confide in others.
The best course here is to still follow the plan. This time, focus on communicating with her properly and truly listening to her whenever she opens up to you. I recommend you pay special attention to the objective about learning relationship skills below.
Everything I have written in this section should give you a good idea of what caused the breakup. This part is very important because not only understanding the breakup will help you in getting your ex back, it will also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and learning from it.
A study conducted by Joseph P. Allen, who is a professor of psychology in the University of Virginia, and Jessica Kansky, showed that people who understand the reason for the breakup healed much quicker and more effectively than those who didn’t. Moreover, learning from the breakup also correlated with having better future relationships.
If you don’t learn from the breakup, your future relationships will most likely end the same way this one did. With your heart broken and your head spinning in confusion.
Be Patient When You are Analyzing Your Breakup
Be patient with yourself as you are thinking about the reason for the breakup. Don’t over-analyze or ruminate over the past constantly. As time goes by, your thinking will get clearer and you will get better perspective on the breakup and the reasons it happened.
Recommended Reading – I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex – Strategies To Understand and Stop
2.2 Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back
If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,
“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”
But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.
Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Read below for some actionable tips about this.
Actionable Tips (Very Important)
- Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
- Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)
Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Step 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.
Recommended Reading: Should I Get Back With My Ex? 3 Case Studies and 7 Questions To Find Out
Reader Experience: Jack Got His Ex Back By Learning To Not Be Nice All The Time
Now that I think about it, I wasn’t really nice. I was scared. Scared of her judging me. Scared of her figuring out that I was not good enough for her. Scared of her finding out that I am broken inside. That I have no confidence in myself. That I feel I don’t deserve to be loved.
To me she was everything. She was what I dreamed of when I was a teenager and hoped to fall in love with a beautiful woman. She was the one I dreamed of when I saw living a happy life with my wife, going on long road trips, exploring the world, laughing and caring for each other. I felt like I knew her even before I met her. Because I had dreamed of her for so long.
I know the conventional advice. Don’t put her on a pedestal. But how could I not? She was perfect.
I would always try to make sure everything was perfect. When she would complain about something, I would try my best to fix it. I would obsess over her problems for days trying to find a solution. I wanted her to have a perfect life because she was a perfect. And I wanted her to know that I fixed all her problems so she wouldn’t leave me.
But she left me. It wasn’t because I put her on a pedestal. I know she liked it that I was so madly in love with her.
No. She left me because I put myself in a ditch right beside the pedestal. I just didn’t think I deserved love.
She didn’t want her problems to be fixed. She wanted to just rant sometimes. But I couldn’t just listen because I felt I always had to prove myself. I had to be the guy who fixes everything.
When she left me, she said she just doesn’t love me anymore. And my mind just went into overdrive. Did she finally realize I was not good enough? Was it because I couldn’t buy her that dress she always wanted? Maybe I should tell her I was saving up to buy it for her next month?
But she didn’t want a dress. She didn’t know what she wanted. She just knew that she didn’t want me. That hurt me more than anything ever hurt me. More than all the things I suffered throughout my childhood.
But I didn’t give up. Like Rocky said. “It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” I moved forward. It included working on myself and learning about myself. Gym helped but it wasn’t enough. I got therapy and spoke about all the crappy things that happened to me since childhood. It helped letting it all out.
Eventually, I realized I don’t need to act Nice. I am nice. I just need to be myself. I need to be nicer to myself. I learned the techniques that helped me catch my self-deprecating thoughts. You know the thoughts that tell me I am not good enough. Built up my self-esteem. I started actually liking myself.
It didn’t happen overnight. We were apart for more than three months. She even dated another guy during that time. But she missed me. He couldn’t compare to me. She missed the times I was nice to her. She missed being put up on pedestal. But she didn’t miss the parts of me that weren’t nice to myself.
When I reached out, she had already broken up with that other guy. We met up and I talked about myself more than I had talked in a long time. I spoke to her like she was an old friend. Like we’ve met after decades and I had so many things to share with her. She said that she feels like I am a completely new person. I told her I am not. I am the same guy who was madly in love with her. But now, I also love myself. She smiled and held my hand. Two weeks later she told me she loved me.
2.3 Become A Better Version of Yourself
When you get back together with her, you want your new relationship to be better than ever. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.
The strategies below also work in helping gain control of your emotions after a breakup. They work in Tandem with first step of this article.
a) Become More Confident
Being confident is the number one quality that will make your ex girlfriend, ex wife, or ex fiance want you back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.
In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.
You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, she will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.
Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.
In addition, I talk a lot about how to effectively rebuild your confidence to maximize your chances of getting your ex back in our advanced course.
b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you because she felt neglected. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.
One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.
If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.
So, work on these two skills as they are very important in making her want you back and stay with you forever. The best way to start is by reading the Better Communications Course that comes with our Advanced Program. Check it out here.
A study done by Ty Tashiro, PhD, and best selling author of “The Science of Happily Ever After” and Patricia A. Frazier, Ph.D., a distinguished professor in Department of Psychology, University of Minnesota, showed that both the dumper and the dumpee report personal growth after a breakup, but women usually report more growth than men. According to the authors of the study, the following could be the reason for this.
“One possibility is that women are able to forecast the decline of the relationship earlier (Hill,Rubin, & Peplau, 1976) and therefore are able to begin making positive changes in preparation for the separation, such as establishing supportive social networks outside of the romantic relationship.”
What this means is that even though your ex was the one who broke up with you, there is a good chance she has already embarked on a journey of personal growth. And you should too.
Hopefully, when you both start talking again after the no contact period, you will both have grown, learned from your mistakes and be a better person. If you both end up getting back together, the new relationship will be something amazing because you have both become a better person and learned from your mistakes.
c) Become More Attractive Physically
This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attracted to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.
Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.
- You will feel more confident.
- Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
- Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.
Actionable Steps To Take (Mildly Important)
- Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
- Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
- Get a new haircut
- Get Your teeth cleaned
- Get new clothes
d) Become More Socially Attractive
This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.
Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.
Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive (Mildly Important)
- Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
- Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
- Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.
e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level
Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.
Studies have shown that meditation can help tremendously in reducing anxiety and increase your awareness level.
Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.
Actionable Tips (Important)
- Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.
f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion
Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.
Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.
Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.
Actionable Tips (Important)
- Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
- Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.
Actionable Tips For Stage 2: Fighting Inner Demons
- Start Working on Your Confidence, and Your Communication Skills. (Check out the EBP Advanced System for a Step by Step Process.
- Join the EBP Basics Email Course (Free) by taking this quiz.
- Understand the root cause of the breakup and write down what you can do to fix it and become a better person while doing so.
What To Do If You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex?
As long as you are making progress in your life and self-improvement, it’s okay to think about your ex-girlfriend. Some guys think about their ex-girlfriend for hours every day. But the obsessive thinking and ruminating reduces with time and eventually stop.
So keep focusing on doing the work needed to heal from the breakup and become a better version of yourself.
Recommended Reading: I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex and How To Stop
Seek Professional Help If Needed
It’s important to note that all this may just feel overwhelming for a lot of people. For some men, the anxiety after the breakup is overbearing. And for some, they just can’t stop thinking about their ex. If the breakup feels overwhelming, then you should seek help from a mental health professional in your area. A qualified therapist can help you a lot in processing this breakup and dealing with the overwhelming emotions.
3. Contact Your Ex In a Way That Makes Her Want To Talk To You Again – Facing Your Ex’s Resistance
- Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
- Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once
The objectives of this step are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.
This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big resistance which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction. She wants to stay consistent to her decision and is probably skeptical of everything you do.
The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.
- My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
- He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
- He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
- He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.
These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.
But hopefully, we have taken care of this in the first two steps of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you get back together with your ex girlfriend.
In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.
It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.
Here’s how to do that.
3.1 Get Her to Speak to you Normally
There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.
In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.
I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.
Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.
- You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
- You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
- You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
- You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.
There are three mediums you can use to do this.
- A Hand-Written Letter
- Text Messages
Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.
When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.
Note: You can download my free report “5 Elephant In The Room Texts” by clicking here.
What if she replies?
There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.
If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.
Actionable Steps (Very Important)
- Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
- Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. Use one of our email coaching packages to get in touch with us.
- Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.
She still doesn’t want to talk to me. How Can I Make Her Start Talking To Me Again?
Well, if your ex is still angry at you, mad at you or hates you; it’s most likely because she is still hurt. (BTW, her being angry is actually a sign that she still loves you. So it’s not all bad news.)
She is still hurt because you did one of the two things.
- You contacted her too soon in an attempt to win her back fast. You didn’t give her enough time to heal.
- You contacted her the wrong way. She still thinks you are insensitive and you don’t understand her. You didn’t apologize for the things she expected you to apologize for.
If your ex is angry because you didn’t give her enough time after the breakup, then you should give her time before you can start talking to her and use the tactics in the next step to make her want you back.
But if your ex is mad at you because she expects a proper apology from you for something you did, then here are a few things you can do.
- Rethink the reasons for the breakup. Maybe she is expecting an apology about something you don’t understand.
- Use the Elephant in the room template to address the past and ask her to start talking again. (Click here to download the templates)
- Call her and ask her exactly what she is angry about. A lot of times, a phone call can help bring understanding in complicated situations.
- Give her some more space and time. Try again after a few weeks.
Recommended Reading – How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You Again.
3.2 Get Her to Smile or Laugh at Something You Said.
The best way to start is to try to get her to laugh or smile at something you said. If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.
Here’s are some ways to do this.
Use a Past Memory
Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.
Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,
“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”
Think of a Joke
What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?
The person reading this article.
Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.
It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.
Should I Wait For Her To Reach Out To Me After No Contact?
No, you should not wait for your ex to reach out. It’s like waiting for the apple to fall from the tree. It may fall eventually. But wouldn’t it be better to just reach out and grab it?
If you are honest, confident and know what you want, then your ex will appreciate you reaching out to them. A lot of my readers and clients who take the initiative find out their ex girlfriend still had strong feelings for them.
It’s important to have the right mindset before you reach out though. Read: What To Do After No Contact Rule – 5 Essential Steps
4. Reconnect With Your Ex On an Emotional Level – The Climb of Connection
- Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
- Understand and Attract your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
- Get Her to Meet You
- Avoid Getting Friend-Zoned By Showing Confidence
A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.
If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you.
4.1 Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her
You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.
To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.
However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.
Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.
- Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
- Day 2: Don’t text her
- Day 3: Don’t text her
- Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
- Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
- Day 6: Don’t text her.
- Day 7: Don’t text her.
- Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
- Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
- Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
- Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
- Day 12: same as day 11
- Day 13: Same as day 11
- Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
- Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
- Day 16: Same as Day 11
- Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.
This is just a sample guideline and it doesn’t always apply to every situation.
For some guys, they feel an instant connection the first time they contact their ex girlfriend after no contact. If that’s the case with you, feel free to ask her out immediately.
But if she shows resistance or it feels like she still has her defenses up, then it makes sense to take things slow.
Actionable Objectives to aim for
- Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
- Get her to laugh out loud.
4.2 How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend to Meet You
Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).
If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.
A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.
Examples of places to ask her out for
- A walk in a park (or a beach)
What if she says no?
If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. You can tell her something like, “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for some time.
What if she flakes at the last moment?
If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.
In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.
Actionable Steps (Very Important)
- Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
- Ask her out and get a yes.
4.3 Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level
If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.
If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever. If you follow the following tips, you will make your girl want you back in a matter of weeks.
Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.
Understand her Life Goals
Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.
You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example of what to say,
“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”
Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”
You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”
Talk About Her Childhood
Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions for this. Here are a few examples of what to say,
“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”
or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”
Show Empathy When She Needs It
Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to re-connect with your ex girlfriend. Learning to show empathy and truly understand the person you are talking to can be a very useful life skill. If you are not sure how to be more empathetic, think of it as just being more curious and truly listening to what someone has to say.
Whenever you are speaking to your ex girlfriend and you feel like she wants to share something, truly listen to her. Be genuinely curious about what she has to say and what she is feeling. Ask questions you would ask someone when you are really trying to understand them. And most importantly, listen without any judgement or presumption. Listen without any anger, grudge, resentment or any other strong emotion. Instead, try to feel what she is feeling.
It can be hard not to judge when you are speaking to someone who you know so well (such as your ex). Especially when you are talking about a topic that involves you. This is why it’s important to think of empathy as a skill that you can practice and master. In Step 2 of this article, I spoke about working on your communication skills. While you are doing so, I highly recommend you practice showing empathy to friends, families, acquaintances or even strangers. The more you practice it, the better you will get at it.
Talk About Her Feelings for You and Your Past Relationship
Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.
Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it as a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.
It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro. (Read: Signs your ex still loves you.)
But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in in the previous steps of this guide.
Actionable Objectives to Aim For (Important)
- Get Her to open up about her past
- Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
- Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
- Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
- Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.
4.4 How To Avoid Getting Friend-Zoned By Your Ex Girlfriend?
If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.
In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.
If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.
Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.
If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.
She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.
Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.
Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.
Be Honest and Be Willing To Walk Away: Push come to shove, tell her that your intentions are to eventually get back in a relationship with her. Tell her that you don’t want to be just friends. That you want to be friends for now and eventually figure out if getting back together is a good idea. Tell her that she needs to respect your desires and not treat you as just a friend. And if she is not comfortable with that, be willing to walk away from her.
5. Ask Her To Get Back Together When The Time is Right – The Final Stage
- Ask Her Out on a Second Date
- Get Her to Agree to Give it Another Shot
- Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)
Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.
5.1 Asking Her Out on a second date
When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.
The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.
Can I really have a fun time with him?
Has he really changed?
Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?
Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?
She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.
It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.
Here are a few pointers –
Talking about the breakup and the relationship
If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.
Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.
But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.
You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.
Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments
A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.
This is how you get friend-zoned.
Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation. If you are unsure how to do that, go back to Stage 3 and read the part about relationship skills.
Continue the date Further
If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.
If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.
If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.
If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.
Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can
Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend as possible during this date.
This date is not just about what you tell her or say to her. It’s also about your body language and how comfortable you feel. By using kino in a natural way, you will show confidence and she will find herself attracted to you.
Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.
Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.
You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,
Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.
Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.
It’s very important that you are not making her uncomfortable. If it feels like she is not comfortable in any way, back off. If in doubt, ask for consent before touching her. Just say something like, “Is it okay if I hold your hand?” before doing it.
Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.
Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.
You want her to go home and think.
“That was great. I want to do it again.”
Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.
If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.
Actionable Objectives (Important)
- Take her to second venue on the same date.
- Have a good time and be comfortable with each other.
5.2 Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot
If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.
Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.
Let it be Her Idea
Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.
But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.
What to say to your ex girlfriend to get her back?
“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”
Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.
You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.
What To Talk About When Getting Back Together?
Whenever you are talking about getting back together, it’s important to discuss the reasons you both broke up in the first place and exactly what will change in the future. It’s not just about convincing her at this point. It’s also about you. Remember, you are getting back together. That means you both need to work to make this new relationship worthwhile.
Recommended Reading: How To Get Back Together With Your Ex And Stay Together?
Use EPB Basics E-course
Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety.
I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through the second step of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.
- Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
- Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz
What To Do After Getting Back Together To Keep Her For Good?
Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.
Keep working on improving the connection
Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.
Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose its shine, look terrible, but still be alive.
But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.
Keep working on your confidence individually
Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.
This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.
Avoid Repeating The Same Patterns That Lead To The Breakup
One of the reasons most couples breakup after getting back together is because they repeat the same relationship or communication patterns that lead to the first breakup. It’s important that you keep a look out for those patterns and try your best not to repeat them.
Recommended Reading: Why Couples Breakup After Getting Back Together?
Be honest and communicate well
Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.
So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).
Be Willing To Walk Away If She Is Not The Right Person For You
Just because you got back together does not mean you have to stay in an unhealthy relationship. If you feel the relationship is not working out for whatever reason, don’t be afraid to walk away. If you worked on your self-esteem and self-confidence while you were broken up, you should respect that and not stay in an unhealthy relationship.
Actionable Tips (Very Important)
- Go on a date with your New Girlfriend at least twice a month.
- Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.
This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her. But remember, getting her back does not really define your self-worth and is not the only way to be happy again. Even if you don’t get her back, you are going to be okay. Remember, there are alternate endings to video games and sometimes, these alternate endings are better than the original endings.
If you don’t get her back, you are still going to be okay. Because if you follow the advice in this article, you are going to become a better man. You are going to be stronger, wiser and healthier. And your next relationship (even if it is not with your ex) is going to be pretty amazing.
Bonus Step: Take This Quiz To Figure Out Your Chances and Learn More Ninja Tactics
This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.
The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past thirteen years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.
I share a lot more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period and teaches you how to effectively get your girl back after a breakup.
But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. This quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.
Just wanted you to know that of all the websites out there, you are the only one that sends useful emails with actual advice. Your emails helped me through one of the hardest time in my life. I learned more from your website and the EBP Basics e-course than anywhere else!
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