Unlike video games, you don’t get unlimited chances to win her back. You only get a handful of chances. And if you are not prepared, you will screw it up.

So how do you NOT SCREW UP this time?

If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to take this as a mission. Almost like a video game. If asking her to get back together is the final fight in this game, you need to level up and win a lot of mini fights before doing that.

I’ll explain how to do that in a moment. But first, let me introduce myself and tell you a bit about why I am writing this.

My name is Kevin, and I’ve been helping people with breakups for almost 7 years now. I’ve helped thousands of guys just like you get their ex girlfriends back.

This article is everything I wish I had access to when I had my first breakup and wanted to get my ex girlfriend back.

When she broke my heart, left it in pieces and all I could think was how to win her back.

When I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.

When I woke up in the middle of the night crying and feeling lonely, with no one around me to give me good advise.

If only I knew back then what I know now. I hope no other guy feels so hopeless and helpless when they are going through a bad breakup. This is why I’ve made this article FREE for everyone to peruse.

But before you read forward, I want you to know that this guide is focused on winning her back and KEEPING HER in a healthy, long lasting relationship.

A relationship that both of you can enjoy in, thrive in and grow in together as lovers; for a very longtime.

This guide is not a trick or a bandage solution for your broken relationship. It’s not designed to get your ex girlfriend back immediately. It’s designed to get her back permanently.

What is this Article?

This article is your ultimate guide on how to win your ex girlfriend back. I’ve designed this article in stages. Just like in a video game.

Why?

If you and the girl you love just broke up, you are probably going through a lot of pain, heartache, grief, obsessiveness and confusion.

In fact, if you are reading this article, there’s a good chance you are very confused and don’t know where to go from here. About what to do and what not to do.

This guide is designed to take the confusion out of the equation. Think of it as a manual, a walkthrough, a game plan or a strategy guide for the current mission in this game called your love life.

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Mission: Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back and Keep Her Permanently

This guide will tell you exactly what to do from here on forward to get your ex girlfriend back as soon as possible.

What’s the catch?

Like I said before, you only get a handful of chances at this. So if you are not careful, you might screw this up. Moreover, following this guide is NOT EASY. Above all, it will need 3 things from you.

  1. Patience
  2. Determination
  3. Honesty or Vulnerability (With Yourself, Your ex and me if we ever communicate)

Like I said before, it’s not going to be easy. But if your ex girlfriend is worth it, I am sure you won’t care how much patience, determination or honesty it takes to get her back.

(Note: You may want to bookmark this article as it’s quite long and you will need it constantly as you move forward in this mission)

Who this guide is for?

This guide is for you if you want your ex girlfriend back, your ex wife back or your ex fiancé back. This guide is for you if you are a teenager in high school, you in your 20s, 30s, 40s or even 50s.

This guide is for you if your ex girlfriend dumped you. And it’s for you if you broke up with your ex girlfriend and still want her back.

This guide is NOT for you if you are looking for tricks or manipulation to get her back.

How does this guide work?

This guide is divided in stages. Just like a video game.

Each stage will have objectives for you to accomplish. Some of these objectives will be optional. The optional objectives are not important to win her back permanently, but they definitely help in the process and they will increase your chances significantly.

In addition, there will be actionable tips, objectives, or steps in the articles. Consider this as mini objectives that you can take action on. These actionable objectives are very practical and easy to understand, as opposed to the other things involving dating, relationships and breakups.

You will also find common pitfalls in each section of the article. These are common mistakes that most people make during each stage of getting back together with their ex girlfriend.

In some places, I’ll link to other articles on this website which will provide more information on a particular topic. These additional articles serve as supplement articles to this detailed guide. But they are in no way a replacement for this. So, you should read this guide in it’s entirety before moving on to any of these supplement articles.

Stage 1: The Valley of Grief aka Don’t Push Her Away

Stage 1 - Valley Of Grief

Objectives:

  1. Stop Panicking and Pushing Her Away
  2. Take Action to Regain Composure
    • a) Start No Contact
    • b) Grieve
  3. Accept The Breakup (Optional Until End Of Stage 2)
  4. Heal By Spending Time With Loved Ones (Optional)

When you lose the girl you love, you are bound to panic. You activate the fight or flight response in your brain. And when your brain is panicking, it doesn’t think logically.

Instead, it relies on your instincts. It goes into overdrive trying to make sense of it all and in a state of panic, it makes you do things that ultimately pushes your ex girlfriend away.

1. Stop Panicking And Pushing Your Ex Girlfriend Away

The goal of this stage is to get yourself to stop panicking and pushing your ex away. To do that, you must

  1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now
  2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

1. Understand the Grief You are Going Through Right Now

Breakup grief is a bitch. That’s the best way I can put this. Once you lose your ex girlfriend, someone you loved dearly, you are likely to go through the five stages of grief.

The stages namely.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

The stages of grief are pretty self explanatory so I’ll not go into details about them. But when you are trying to win her back for good, you need to watch out for the first three stages of grief.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • And Bargaining

As we will see in the next section, these three stages of grief are likely to make you do things that will push your ex away and make her think that breaking up with you was the best decision she ever made.

2. Understand What Pushes Her Away

To make this easier for you to remember, here is a list of mistakes that pushes your ex away when you are in this stage.

Mistake 1: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I can’t live without her. I still love her and will always love her. I can’t be happy without her. Surely, this should be a good enough reason for her to take me back.”

I am not sure if it’s the media, the movies or the damn TV shows. But guys get the idea that if they can show their ex GF how helpless they are without her, she will come back.

They try to beg and plead to get her back. In some cases, guys go to extreme lengths to show their ex how miserable they are without her.

begging your ex gf

The truth is though, no girl is attracted to a weak guy. If you act like you are miserable without her, she will just get less and less attracted to you until she decides to cut you off from her life.

Mistake 2: Calling and Texting Her All the time

Grief Stage: Denial

Example:

“If I just keep in touch with her, everything will go back to normal. If I don’t let her forget me, she will realize how much she loves me and wants to be with me. I just need to stay in touch with her.”

This one is obvious. The more you text or call your ex, the less attractive you will look to her. Even if you act all casual when you text her, you will still come off as needy as your ex will see right through it.

Texting her again and again is a sign of neediness and desperation and no girl is attracted to a needy guy.

texting ex girlfriend expectations vs reality

Notice how texting and calling her all the time are coming out of neediness and desperation instead of a genuine desire to speak to her and enjoy a conversation with her.

Mistake 3: Telling Her How Much You Love Her and You Will Do Everything for Her

Grief Stage: Bargaining

Example:

“I’ll do anything to get her back. I’ll marry her tomorrow if I must. I will agree to whatever she wants from me and do anything to make her happy.”

Now that she has broken up with you, she doesn’t care how much you love her and what you are willing to do for her.

(Note: It may have worked before the breakup in some cases. But it’s not quite the same after the breakup)

If you tell her how much you love her now, it’s just going to make you look needy and desperate to win her back. It’s going to turn her off and make her respect you less.

The same goes for when you tell her you will do anything to get her back. More commonly known as becoming a doormat.

You can’t just let her walk all over you just because you want her back. Even if you manage to convince her to come back this way, she will leave again soon because she will not have any respect for you.

The reason this doesn’t work is because you are doing all these things out of desperation to get her back. Not because you love her, but because you are afraid to lose her to some other guy. Because you are afraid to be alone.

She doesn’t want you do things for her out of fear. Not unless she is extremely manipulative. In which case, you should still not do it because you will be even more miserable when you are back together.

Mistake 4: Freaking Out About Her Rebound

Grief Stage: Anger, Denial, Bargaining

Example:

“How can she do this to me? She told me she loved me just a couple of weeks ago and now she is sleeping around with someone else. I am going to give her a call and tell her exactly what I think about this and what @$$#@ she and her new boyfriend is.”

Or

“She is making a huge mistake with that guy. Her new boyfriend is not the right person for her. I am. I need to speak to her immediately and convince her to leave the other guy for me. If I don’t, it may be too late.”

In a lot of cases, your ex may start dating immediately after a breakup. In some cases, she might start dating after a week or a month.

But in almost all the cases, her new relationship will be a rebound. And it will end. That’s what happens with majority of rebound relationships. Read more about the nature of rebound relationships here and how to get her back when she has a boyfriend here.

Mistake 5: Degrading Her and Calling Your Ex-Girlfriend Names

Grief Stage: Anger

Example:

“I can’t believe you did this to me. I should have known you were a gold digger.”

Or

“How can you do this to me after all I’ve done for you. Man, you really don’t deserve me. I hope you spend the rest of your life being as miserable as I know you are inside.”

I think it’s pretty obvious why doing something like this will push her further away. No one wants to be with a guy who is abusive.

degrading your ex girlfriend

So, if you ever have the urge to say anything mean to your ex girlfriend, do yourself a favor and STOP.

What if I have already made these mistakes?

These mistakes are very common. As I mentioned earlier, these mistakes are a direct result of you going through grief and acting on your instincts.

So, if you’ve made them, don’t beat yourself over it. This only means you are human.

And since these mistakes are only human, it’s pretty easy to get your ex to forgive you for them as described in Stage 3 of this article.

Actionable Steps to Take (Moderately Important)

  • Change the name of your ex girlfriend to “Don’t Push Her Away” on your phone so you don’t forget about these mistakes in the future.

2. Take Action to stop panicking and get yourself together

Now that we have learned what mistakes to avoid in this stage, it’s time to learn what you can do in this stage to stop panicking, regain your composure, and stop doing things that push your ex further away.

a) Start No Contact

In my experience, the easiest way to avoid making any of the above mistakes and heal from the breakup is to start no contact.

What is no contact?

No contact is a simple rule to not contact your ex at all for a certain number of days. You want to remove your ex from your life and from your mind. This means

  • No Texting
  • No Calling
  • No bumping into her at her favorite coffee shop
  • No keeping tabs on her through her friends
  • Staying away from her social media profiles

I know it may seem a little extreme to suddenly cut all contact from your ex, but it’s very important and a very effective way to achieve the objective of this stage. Here’s how it will affect you and your ex.

How No Contact Affects You?

When you cut your ex girlfriend out of your life, you will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself. You will realize that you can live without your ex and life is not so bad after all.

In most cases, you are so addicted to having your ex girlfriend in your life, you can’t imagine a life without her. When you stop contacting her, you will go cold turkey on this addiction.

Just like any other addiction, you will slowly recover from it and start seeing things clearly.

It’s very important that you get over the addiction of your ex girlfriend before you reach the third stage of this guide.

You need to get rid of this addiction before you can approach her and get her back. As long as you are addicted to her, you will be needy and desperate. And if you are needy or desperate, you will never be able to approach her from a position of strength.

Even if you try to fake it, she will smell your neediness from a mile away. She was close to you and she knows a lot about you. You won’t be able to fake it for long.

How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you’ve made any of the mistakes that push her away, then no contact is the perfect way to reset everything before you start rebuilding attraction with her.

Even if you have not made any of the mistakes above, no contact is still very important because you want to give your ex some time to process the breakup and miss you.

When you stop contacting your ex, you will instantly become less needy and desperate in her eyes.

Later, you are going to turn that doubt into a fact by showing her how you’ve changed, and how things will be different when you get her back.

Should I tell her that I am doing no contact?

If you and your ex are on talking terms right now, you can tell her that you need some space and time and you don’t want her to contact you.

Hopefully, she will understand (and will be impressed and confused) and leave you alone. If she doesn’t respect your wishes, then you will just have to ignore her calls and texts.

Wouldn’t this make her want to move on?

Maybe. But just because she wants to move on doesn’t mean she will. In fact, in most cases, this will make her want you more.

Remember how you were pushing her away when you kept contacting her and telling her how you love her and will give the world to be with her?

Well, by doing no contact you are pulling back and it’s going to make her want to push. In other words, it’s going to make her miss you and want you in your life. This is what I call the push pull dynamics of a breakup.

Besides, you are not doing this forever, you will only do this for a short while as we will discuss in just a moment.

What if she finds another boyfriend during no contact?

Even if she dates someone else during no contact, it will probably be a rebound and you can still win her back. (Read about rebounds and winning her back from a rebound.)

How Long Should You Do No Contact For?

Ideally, you should do no contact until you have finished stage 1 and stage 2 of this mission to get your ex girlfriend back permanently.

That means you should do no contact at least until you have stopped panicking, regained your composure and figured out how to defeat the little devils (Stage 2). It can take from two weeks to three months. Read this article on no contact rule to figure out how much no contact is ideal for you.

If you are confused, I recommend you set a time limit of at least 30 days.

Actionable Steps to Take (Important)

  • Decide how long you need to do no contact
  • Mark your calendar that many days from now with the text “I can contact my ex girlfriend now”.
  • If you and your ex are speaking to each other regularly. Text her the following or something similar. “Hey, I don’t want to come off as rude or anything, but I need some time and space to heal from the breakup and focus on myself. This is why I think I think we both shouldn’t speak to each other for a while. I hope you understand.”

B) Grieve During No Contact

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

4. Accept the Breakup (optional until Stage 3)

Ultimately, you need to reach “The Acceptance” stage of the breakup. That means you need to accept that your ex girlfriend broke up with you and your past relationship is over.

You can start a new relationship with her and that relationship may be an amazing one. But the past relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For a lot of guys reading this, the idea of accepting the breakup will be a tough one. You may even trick yourself into thinking that you have accepted the breakup when you are secretly still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

So, consider this as an optional objective for now. That means, you can move on to Stage 2 without completing this objective. But you need to finish this objective before you move on to Stage 3.

5. Spend Time with Your Loved Ones (optional)

One of the reasons our minds panic so hard after a breakup is because of our deep rooted fear of being alone. Of being left out in the world. Of never being loved.

But chances are, you have a lot of people in your life that love you, care about you, and want you to be happy.

Your friends and family can be a very effective healing tool. When you spend time with them and notice how they care about you and love you, your sub-conscious mind will calm down realizing that you are not alone in this world. That you are loved, and you will survive even if you have lost your ex.

This part is optional because a lot of guys don’t have loving families. Some guys don’t even have very close friends. If that’s the case with you, fret not. You can still get your ex girlfriend back.

But you must make a note in your mind to make new friends, good friends you can trust, when you are ready in the future.

Common Pitfalls: Taking Too Long To Implement No Contact

A lot of guys feel that they can convince their ex girlfriend to come back and they don’t need to do no contact. If you think like that, you must understand that even though there’s a slight chance you will be successful in getting her back, you will most likely fail in keeping her.

Unless you follow Stage 2 of this guide, there’s a very good chance you and your ex will breakup again after getting back together. I have seen this happen to my readers and clients over and over again. And I would hate to see it happen to you.

Stage 2: The Inner Demons aka focus on yourself

Stage 2 - Inner Demons

Objectives:

  1. Figure Out What Caused the Breakup
    • a)Figure Out a Solution to What Caused the Breakup
  2. Figure out if she is worth getting back.
  3. Become a Better Version of Yourself
    • a) Become More Confident
    • b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
    • c) Become more Physically Attractive (optional)
    • d) Become more Socially Attractive (optional)
    • e) Become More Mindful or Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)
  4. Bonus: Get Your Ex Girlfriend To Miss You During No Contact(optional)

As you can see from the objectives above, this stage of getting your ex girlfriend back is all about you.

In my opinion, this is the most important stage of this mission. It’s not one of those stages where you can just enter a tunnel in the beginning and can skip it right to the next stage (I am looking at you Mario).

If you fail at this stage, you will most likely fail at getting your ex girlfriend back permanently. Even if you somehow manage to get her back for the time being, I am quite positive you will break up again in the future.

Yes, that’s how important this stage is.

We are going to go through each of the objectives of this stage and then we are going to list out some of the common pitfalls that most guys face during this stage.

1) Figure out what caused the breakup

The first thing after you have calmed down in Stage 1 is to try to figure out what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might not be aware of what caused the breakup.

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

  1. You always showered her with affection.
  2. You gave her whatever she wanted.
  3. You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, you should show her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give something your ex-girlfriend, do it out of your heart and do it because you want to do it without getting anything in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative are always trying to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return. This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

  • Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
  • Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
  • Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
  • Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. So, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at a later stage when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Fix Loss of Attraction and Get Her Back?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

The thing is, it’s not very easy to fix this deep rooted insecurity that most guys have.

We will talk about this in the next section when we talk about becoming more confident.

She Does not See a Future with You (and She Lost Connection)

A lot of times, your ex-girlfriend may have broken up with you because she does not feel a connection with you anymore. This is usually the case when you were together for a very long time (more than a year).

If she does not feel a connection with you, she will leave you because she does not see a future with you.

She might still be attracted to you. She might still feel that you are a confident attractive guy. But she does NOT SEE HERSELF BEING WITH YOU IN THE LONG TERM. She just thinks that you are both not compatible.

An emotional connection can be lost for the following reasons.

  1. You and your ex-girlfriend lost the spark. You neglected her for too long and took her for granted.
  2. You had too much fights and disagreements. You didn’t know how to communicate effectively and understand each other.
  3. Your life goals do not align with each other.

All the above reasons are self-explanatory, so I am not going to go in detail.

How to Get Her Back If Your Ex Girlfriend Lost Connection?

If you fall in this category, there’s a good chance your first instinct will be to tell her that you will do things differently this time. For example,

  • If you neglected her, you will want to tell her that you will spend more time with her if she gives you another chance.
  • If you and her both wanted different things in life, you will want to tell her that you will compromise and give her whatever she wanted (marriage, kids etc.)

However, telling her that things will change WILL NOT WORK.

The fact is, your ex girlfriend does not feel a connection with you anymore. And if she does not feel a connection with you, then it will not matter to her what you are willing to do for her.

Before you can show her how things have changed, you first need to rebuild attraction and connection with her. We will get into that in stage 4 of this article.

You Cheated Or Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend

Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex girlfriend terribly. These may include

  • You cheated on her
  • You were abusive to her (verbally or physically)
  • You betrayed her trust in some way (monetary or emotional cheating)

How to get her back if you cheated on her, or did something to hurt her?

The key to winning your ex-girlfriend back in this situation is to show her a ray of hope before anything else.

And the best way to show her a ray of hope is to accept where you screwed up, figure out why you did it and work on understanding yourself.

The fact is, if you hurt her once, there’s a good chance you will hurt her again. And if you don’t trust yourself enough to not hurt her again, then she wouldn’t either.

So, work on understanding yourself and learn to trust yourself. Getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great way to do that.

This will show her you are serious about change and it will give her a ray of hope that things may be different in the future. (Read: Get your ex back after you cheated.)

Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because one of the above reasons happened. If that’s the case, you will have to apply the tactics mentioned above for each case.

2. Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Here is one article that will help you do that. And read below for some actionable tips about this.

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Write down 5 things about your ex that you don’t like.
  • Write down 3 things about your ex that need to change for you to have a healthy and happy relationship with her. (For example, She needs to be better at communicating or She needs to stop flirting with other guys)

Note: If you can’t think of any of these things, you need to finish Stage 1 of this article and come back here after about 2 weeks.

3. Become A Better Version of Yourself

What happened in your past relationship with your ex-girlfriend is past. When you get back together, it’s going to be a better relationship. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will attract your ex girlfriend , ex wife or ex fiancé back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, your ex girlfriend will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

Soon, I’ll release a course on rebuilding your confidence to get your ex girlfriend back. So check back on this space later to figure out how to rebuild confidence during no contact.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you due to loss of connection. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in not only getting her back, but keeping her forever.

c) Become More Attractive Physically (Optional)

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attractive to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

  • You will feel more confident.
  • Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
  • Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

Actionable Steps To Take (Mildly Important)

  • Go to the gym at least 20 days during the no contact period
  • Increase the maximum weight you can squat with by 15 kg
  • Get a new haircut
  • Get Your teeth cleaned
  • Get new clothes

d) Become More Socially Attractive (optional)

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

Actionable Steps to Become More Socially Attractive (Mildly Important)

  • Approach 5 girls that you are attracted to. Speak to them and let them know that you find them attractive with confidence.
  • Go out with your friends at least on two weekends.
  • Go out for a road trip or a vacation with your friends.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level (optional)

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes for 21 days continuously.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion (optional)

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

Actionable Tips (Important)

  1. Figure out one hobby, career goal or life goal that you are interested in or passionate about. It should be something that you can get better at and eventually become an expert at. Something that you can become the best in your town at if you work hard enough or long enough.
  2. Spend at least 10 hours a week working on it.

 

Bonus: Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Miss You During No Contact (Optional)

This objective is again optional. The reason is simple, the no contact period is more about you and less about your ex girlfriend. Getting her to miss you will help you in the short term but is not very effective over the long term.

If you want to get her back permanently, it’s important that the above objective are your priorities. If you sacrifice your priorities because you are trying to get her to miss you, you will suffer in the long run.

Getting her to miss you is a nice side effect you can achieve by putting in a little more effort. (Recommended Reading: How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Miss You Without Looking Like a Fool)

Actionable Tips To Get Her To Miss You (Not Important)

  1. Post a maximum of 5 Socially Active posts on Facebook, WhatsApp status, snapchat, or twitter during no contact period. More than that will make her think that you are just doing it to manipulate her.
  2. Post a maximum of 5 positive thinking and self-improvement posts on social media.
  3. Add 7 new girls as your friend on Facebook.

Common Pitfall: Obsessing over her in an effort to get your ex girlfriend to miss you

A lot of times, guys start obsessing over whether or not their ex girlfriend misses them.

  • Does she miss me?
  • She posted a snapchat story about a toy that I gave her, is she thinking about me?
  • Does she still love me?
  • I posted a status and she liked it, does it mean she is over me?

If that’s you, you need to understand that your priority during no contact is to heal and become a better version of yourself. If you try to play this game of social media jealousy with her, you will lose.

If you find yourself obsessing over this, do not do anything to make your ex miss you. Instead, just stay away from social media altogether during no contact.

Common Pitfall 2: Thinking that you don’t need to make any changes

Listen man, it doesn’t matter how awesome you are, how many girls are drooling over you, or how much you can bench press.

The truth is, everyone can and should strive to improve themselves and become a better version of yourself.

Stage 3: Dragon of Resistance aka Your Ex Girlfriend’s Consistency

Stage 3 - Your Ex Girlfriend's Resistance

Objectives:

  1. Get Your Ex to Speak to You Normally
  2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh At Least Once

The objectives of this stage are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big dragon which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction.

This is no doubt the toughest battle in this mission. Most guys end up failing at this stage.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

  1. My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
  2. He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
  3. He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
  4. He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in Stage 1 and Stage 2 of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you both get back together.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

1. Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

  1. You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
  2. You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
  3. You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
  4. You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

  1. A Hand-Written Letter
  2. Text Messages
  3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

 

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Draft an elephant in the room message for your ex using the above guidelines.
  2. Get me to take a look at your draft and give suggestions. (Option coming soon)
  3. Mark your calendar for 5 days after you’ve sent the elephant in the room text.

 

2. Get Her to Smile or Laugh at something you said.

If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Stage 4: The Climb of Connection aka connecting with your ex girlfriend

Stage 4 - Connecting With Your Ex Girlfriend

Objectives:

  1. Increase frequency and intensity of conversations
  2. Understand and Attract your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level (Use the Solution from Stage 2)
  3. Get Her to Meet You

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you. You will be able to turn even the biggest flaker into a loyal, loving girlfriend.

1. Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

  • Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
  • Day 2: Don’t text her
  • Day 3: Don’t text her
  • Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
  • Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
  • Day 6: Don’t text her.
  • Day 7: Don’t text her.
  • Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
  • Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
  • Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
  • Day 12: same as day 11
  • Day 13: Same as day 11
  • Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
  • Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
  • Day 16: Same as Day 11
  • Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

 

Actionable Objectives to aim for (Important)

  1. Speak to her on text messages or on a phone call for half an hour.
  2. Get her to laugh out loud.
  3. Get her to initiate contact with you at least three times.

 

Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

1. Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

2. Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions like,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

3. Other negative relationships

Friends, family, coworker. Finding common enemy is a great way to make friends. You can use this to your advantage. Speak about the person she likes the least and try to understand why she dislikes her or him. By validating her negative emotions about this person, you will make her feel understood.

4. Her Feelings for You and your past relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro.

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in stage 2 of this guide.

Actionable Objectives to Aim For (Important)

  1. Get Her to open up about her past
  2. Get her to talk about her feelings for someone else (negative or positive)
  3. Get her to share her feelings for you (negative or positive). Make sure you know how to handle it if it’s negative.
  4. Get her to speak about one positive or negative experience from your relationship
  5. Use the solution from Stage 2 to your advantage.

Get Her to Meet You

Getting her to meet you should be easy if you build a strong connection with her over texts and phone calls first. In fact, if you do it right, there’s a good chance she will talk about meeting you (or at least give you a strong hint that she wants to meet you).

If she doesn’t, then you should ask her out. Don’t think too much about it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for a coffee.

It’s important that you don’t call this a date as it might get her to put up her defenses.

A face to face meetup is your ultimate opportunity to increase attraction, connection and trust with her. But you should not rush into it. You should be speaking to her for at least a couple weeks before you ask her out.

Places to ask her out for

  • Coffee
  • Beer
  • Shopping
  • Concerts
  • Events

What if she says no?

If she refuses or is hesitant, give her a little nudge. Something like “Come on, it’s just coffee.” If she still says no, back off for some time..

What if she flakes at the last moment?

If your ex girlfriend cancels meeting you at the last moment (because of a genuine reason or a flaky one), then there’s a good chance she is skeptical about this or she thinks meeting you is a big deal. There’s also a chance that she is in a rebound or she is thinking of dating someone else.

In this case, just focus on rebuilding connection with her on phone and ask her out again after a week. If you suspect she is dating someone else, read this article to figure out what to do.

Actionable Steps (Very Important)

  1. Figure out which place will be best suitable to ask her out to.
  2. Ask her out and get a yes.

Common Pitfall: Ending Up in the dreaded friendzone

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.

Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

So how do you stay away from your ex friendzoning you?

The first thing I will ask you to do is read Stage 2 of this guide. If you are confident and secure in yourself, she will probably not think of you as friendzone material in the first place.

But, if you still feel like she is using you to just dump all her emotional baggage without giving you anything in return, do the following.

1. Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

2. Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Common Pitfall: Asking Her Out Too Soon

A lot of guys make the mistake of asking your ex-girlfriend out as soon as they start speaking to her.

If you ask her out too soon, she is going to put up her defenses and will become reluctant. There’s a good chance she will say no.

It’s important that you build up enough attraction and connection over the phone before asking her out.

Common Pitfall: Letting her get a rise out of you

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend will do or say things that she knows will make you angry. She will try to get you to react and act the way you acted in your past relationship. It’s important that you remain calm in these situations.

If something makes you angry or upset, you should address it, but you should not do it the way you used to do. You should breathe, calm down and tell her clearly what makes you upset and what are your boundaries.

Stage 5: The Final Boss aka Get Her Back Already

Stage 5 - Getting Her Back

Objectives:

  1. Ask Her Out on a Second Date
  2. Get Her to Agree to give it another shot
  3. Keep Her for Good (if she is worth it)

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

1. Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friendzoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend  as possible during this date.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

Actionable Objectives (Important)

  • Take her to second venue on the same date
  • Hold her hand for more than 10 seconds in a romantic way

2. Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

Here’s a simple way to ask her to be your girlfriend again,

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety. Specially Stage 2 and Stage 4.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through Stage 2 of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

Actionable Objectives

  • Ask her to give it another try using the template mentioned above
  • Subscribe to the EBP Basics E-course by taking this quiz

Common Pitfall: Getting angry if she doesn’t agree to get back together

If she says no to getting back together, you shouldn’t get angry and/or make all the mistakes mentioned in the stage 1 of this article.

In a lot of cases, your ex girlfriend might say no initially when you talk about getting back together. But sometimes, they change their mind after a few days.

If she says no, it’s important you stay calm and composed. Give her a few days time and then start rebuilding attraction and connection again.

If she still says no the second time, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

 

3. Keep Her for Good

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose it shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Actionable Tips (Very Important)

  • Go on a date with your New Girlfriend at least twice a month.
  • Work on your passions for at least 10 hours a month.

Common Pitfalls: Getting Complacent

Getting complacent is the number one reason most guys end up losing the love of their life. You may get complacent about yourself. Or about your relationship.

Life is all about challenges. Even if you successfully win her back, you should still strive for bigger and greater things. You should strive to build a stronger foundation and a better relationship with her.

Even if you think you are confident at this point, you should still strive to become a better version of yourself. You should still work on things that matter to you, including your passions and your life goals.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her.

There’s a good chance you will need to refer to this article again and again in the upcoming months, so I recommend you bookmark it so you can come back here easily.

And don’t forget to join the EBP Basics E-course. I share a lot of information over emails to my subscribers. You will not regret it. Take this quiz to subscribe.

Good luck!

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Nils
Nils

Hi again,
So far so good. I found a way to reach out and meet her again. I kept my cool pretty well. During my NC time of about 4 weeks, I read books on confidence, self-esteem, relationships and communication. I went out with her first once, it was great. Then another time just a few days later. Today was the third time. In all the times, we had a good time. Today we talked about us again. She said she acknowledges my changes so far, because I know I learned a lot about empathy. But she also said, she doesn’t quite fully believe in whether I truly changed. She is a really attractive and confident girl and I know, if she wanted, she could find someone new. I have told her that honestly I want her back, but I fully understand how bad I have been acting before. Prior to today I showed her my complete apology and she was quite happy about it. I also told her today that there would be only one way to be with her again, with a new myself and much more commitment and responsibility.

I feel really confident in succeeding again, however I still have some moments in which i doubt or imagine i would fail and, to be honest, my heart is aching when considering it. I understand this means that i fully love her.

My question is: Should I proceed with my dates as I’m currently doing? When should I take the step to directly ask her to be back again? What if she rejects me or finds someone else?

Thank you again so much for the existence of this article. So far it feels like it pushed me closer to success than ever before.

Bob
Bob

Does the same system apply if we are on a break from each other and not a break up?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would depend on the issue at hand. Generally speaking, it isn’t recommend because a break would imply a chance of getting back together after the break has passed, and going into NC and following the system would probably guarantee a breakup ‘first’ before winning her back again later on.

Bob
Bob

If it isn’t off topic, what would be recommended if it’s a temporary break? Would following the steps without NC work?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If its a temporary break, perhaps instead of going one month of NC, maybe give it a week of space, before meeting up to discuss about the relationship. Ideally you’d want to find a way for both parties to meet eye to eye on the issues that led to the break in the first place and work on them together.

John
John

I’ve been broken up now for about 5 months but still can’t stop thinking about my ex. Initially I went through all the grief stages. I wasn’t desperate, texting her all the time trying to get back with her, I tried accepting it. There was really only one time where I texted her telling her I wanted to be with her, and she declined telling me she had to figure out what she wanted in the future. I went about 3 months without texting her, before texting her about how she has been doing and what was new in her life. That was about two weeks ago. Do I still have to make an elephant in the room letter? I feel like by now she would think that I’ve accepted the breakup.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may be best not to assume that she would think that way, since the last time you contacted her was to ask her to get back together, despite being 3 months ago (before the recent one). Based on how she responded to you as well in the message sent 2 weeks ago, perhaps use that as a gauge on how you should proceed and whether it would be a good idea to send the elephant in the room letter.

Carl
Carl

Hi, my situation is a little different, and I was wondering if any parts of this system may still apply to me. I really hit things off with a girl, but I was not at a point where I felt comfortable having a committed relationship. She really wanted to be with me, and I made it clear to her that I liked her, but I just couldn’t do it. We never officially “dated,” but it was essentially a relationship in everything but name. Now, about a year later, I told her that I’m ready for an actual relationship, but she feels like she has put so much work into getting over me, that she wouldn’t be able to feel that way again. She’s made it clear that she likes the idea of dating me, but she doesn’t think it would be good for her. Is there anything I can do to help her feel like I would still be a worthwhile dating option?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You’re probably going to have to do the chasing this time, and convince her that you’d be a worthwhile partner. Similar to how you’d win a person’s heart, you’re going to have to win hers if you want her to re-consider her fears and accept you.

Leo
Leo

Haha it works guys, I looked at this shit every single day. All of your comments are just crying and you guys all want to take short cuts. Follow it step by step. Don’t skip anything and don’t think that you are better than the system.

Matt
Matt

Hi

Great article! My girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up about 2 months ago and in order to get her back i have started to go over your list. We broke up because we have been growing apart, there was just a really unfortunate disconnection and i thought it would be possible to give her some time and try to re kindle the romance.

I have been texting with her for about a month now and we arranged a meeting last week which went pretty well and a couple of days later i asked her out on a date, which was yesterday.
We went out and all was good until she kinda closed up (no hand holding, no touching…) and the end of the date she told me that it feels like we are dating and she is not ready and anyways she is not sure she would want to date me once she will be ready. I told her that i understand and i will give her time and space in order to pull herself together.
My question is, what is the best course of action here? should i just live my life until she will be ready? Should i keep writing to her every now and then so our connection would not be lost? Do i start a no contact period again?

Thanks for the help!
Matt

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As you’ve said, things went well except perhaps she may have felt a little pressure from your body language at that point which made her close up. You could always continue the conversations but at a slow casual pace and re-develop the habit of being comfortable around one another at her pace.

Matt
Matt

Since then we have talked on the phone once, she said to me again that once she is ready to date she most likely wont want to date me, since im her ex and we need to move forward in our lives… Im not sure this will ever work out 🙁

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

She may have said this but emotionally may end up feeling otherwise, if you are able to charm her once again and manage to re-ignite the spark. It may not be easy and she may even react in a guarded manner, but if you’re willing to pace things out and you’re patient, there’s always still a chance. However, sometimes it may simply be easier to move on especially if your ex feels this way because there’s no guarantee on how long it’ll take.

Han
Han

Hi,
I just loved the article.

Me and my Girlfriend broke up 5 days ago.

She might get married soon in maybe 4-6 months. There are guys who are eyeing her like Hawks already.

I have decided to go NO Contact for 10 days. She had a Boyfriend before me and she has the tendency to move on easily.

So I don’t have 30 or 60 days for No Contact.

I need to change soon.

I was angry
Didnt understand her.
We lacked communication and fought

I was the angry and insecure guy with too much of love and affection showering but with no negative intention.

Now I have changed. As we fought 4-5 times over a period of 5 months. Yes. It was a 5 months relationship.

So I have decided not to get Angry, at least listen her views, no to manage her day and ask why is she at her friends place late night etc. .

This is my ground rule while talking.

Now I will make contact in a week’s time for 3 days straight and see if she replies. .

Even if she doesn’t reply I have decided to go and meet her at her place as a surprise and confess all my mistakes. .I have to be there on a particular date as she is need of some domestic help and she has only 1 friend to help her.

I will tell her I have come to help but not a doormat and to get her back , I am accepting my mistakes and I need to talk to her.
She can’t friendzoned me as I already told her that s not what I will accept during breakup.

She broke up only Because

We fought badly
We had communication issues
We didn’t listen to each other
She lost respect in the relation after each fight.

But We did have a great time.

My mistakes were.

– Getting clingy

– Being unable to accept her suggestions or improvise on them like the way of talking etc.

– And we both had a common problem while discussing. .we both hold up our guns and don’t accept each other’s points.

– I never accepted my mistakes and neither did she.

But on a deeper thought. Those arguments were always because of me.

Will this fast track plan work ?

I have actually understood my mistakes . I cant disappear too long from her life as there are friends of hers who will persuade her to meet other guys as soon as possible as she has to get married soon.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Unfortunately, this fast track would probably not work given that no contact was structured at 30-60 day for a reason, and this fast track basically defeats that entire purpose.

Firstly, when a relationship ends, there are usually negative emotions involved, and having NC for a period of one month gives both parties enough space to actually let go of these negative emotions and be more receptive to the other person when they contact again. Secondly, NC is a test to determine whether the relationship was actually meaningful enough to her, that she doesn’t move on this quickly – a relationship that has had a significant impact on the other person wouldn’t have them moving on in just 10 days, and if they do, it just means that the relationship wasn’t significant enough to them, or that they have commitment issues. Third, NC is set about making positive and permanent changes in your life to adjust to the mistakes that were made during the relationship. What you feel right now is simply the regret felt after breaking up, and you’ve only had a change of heart. You ultimately want to actually make these changes FIRST before going back to your ex. Just because we have a change of heart doesn’t mean we’ll be able to control our actions and emotions when a similar issue arises in the future (which will definitely happen) and we make the same mistakes again. Finally, even if you think it’s a sweet gesture, wanting to do all these things that you’ve mentioned IS a sign of desperation and neediness, and would most probably end up pushing her away or she might even think of you as a creepy and not being able to take a hint – keep in mind that our actions are perceived very differently depending on whether someone is smitten with you, and someone who is feeling negative about you.

Juan
Juan

Ryan couldnt be so right, i remember when she left me a few times i would cry and beg my wife and she was still in love with me then and took me back. Now that she has no feelings towards me and we seperated crying and begging to her looks like a random stranger asking her to date.

Ramone
Ramone

What if you contact her after a month and she hasn’t healed like I have but is now the one who should be reading this article? She’s clearly already had her date. Does she need NC? If I want to get back with her, should I try to work through those problems with her or insist she do it on her own? This was actually a problem earlier in our relationship before we ended it. She wanted to keep going and work through it but I thought we had to do it on our own.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If that was the case, I would assume that you ended the relationship previously. Going along those lines, she was probably hurt that you didn’t want to work things out together and has lost trust in you as well. In that scenario, you could either try to get through to her and convince her that you’re willing to work on things together and regain her trust again, or decide to leave her be until she’s ready to face you once more before working things out. This would depend entirely on what you feel is best for your case because every relationship and how it ended is different from the next.

Kris S.
Kris S.

I really need your help

SillyWillly
SillyWillly

I understand the problem you’re having because I’ve been there. Listening to this guide has helped me gain a little perspective on what’s going on with my ex and I think some responses are short or skipped because it’s full of grieving guys like us. Are you in the mindset they recommend you trying to get to? This would mean you’re okay with your ex gaining perspective and letting yourself do the same. I wondered if the people they meant to address were more on the broken up with side rather than the side that may already have had the more dominant role but I can see them trying to help both side with the same approach. I would suggest focusing on yourself and trying to forgive her for exploring her options. If she’s still with this guy, she’s not certain on you(assuming you’d be monogamous otherwise). Maybe when you’re at your healthiest place over the next few days, you can tell her honestly how you feel what what you hope to accomplish with no contact. I would keep this very brief. You might feel it’s a risk and that it’s like telling her it’s okay for her to get more serious with this guy with the right perspective. Maybe you don’t trust that she’ll make that decision well and she’ll get further from you. I think the no contact says enough on it’s own and can prevent you from feeling that you pushed her away by explaining things incorrectly later. I left my ex a letter before I truly dedicated myself to no contact because I didn’t want her to think I was just moving on and that was her queue to try and distract herself with some guy. I told her how I felt and paid attention to the objectives of the article aiming for a tentative rundown of what I was overcoming and how I was responding to her dating. What killed me was knowing that she’d struggle to talk with me and be away from me when we were together in person but would talk later and seemed to have regained her resolve. I didn’t deserve to be swept into her confusion and doing something like telling her your feelings now to only have that come later is part of what the articles aim to steer you from. It’s possible that I helped myself with the letter but breaking no contact can keep her from missing you or learning to forgive the negative aspects of the relationship. Every time you talk now, it will remind her of her recent decision. I would just leave it and possibly even delete her from social media. That seemed to… Read more »

Kris S.
Kris S.

Ryan how come you skipped my questions below ?

Nils
Nils

Hi,
Thank you so much for this article.
I had one question: What if, in stage 3, she does not reply to the text message after at least five days? Do we message her again then or how should we proceed?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Go back into no contact for a week or two before trying again. The whole point of this stage is to get her to talk to you normally and not have her guard up. By being too frequent in your texting despite her not answering would only further her guard or even cause her to block your number.

Nils
Nils

Thank you so much for your reply.
I really wanna get back with her and I’ve been following the advice in this article thus far. I have improved to a point where I clearly understood what I did wrong and i am even experiencing an unusual rush of confidence, a bit of a “knowing” that we will get back. I had my best relationship ever with her and sometimes I can’t believe how dumb I was not realizing what I did wrong. Besides, I know now that there is only one reason for me to get back with her – to make it last forever.
I highly appreciate the time you take to answer all these questions. If I hit another bump in the road, I will ask again. If we get back together, I will make a celebration comment.
Thanks again.

Quayer
Quayer

Hi, Ryan. First of all, I wanna thank you for this article. I felt hopeless, everyone else was telling me (and even sort of screaming at me) to move on. I’ve just begun the no contact period because I’ve realised that everything in your article was right that I am currently desperate, needy, and insecure. I dated my ex for around one year and a half and it was the first relationship for both of us. There was a lot of fights because I was controlling (I forced her to do things that I thought were right) and sometimes really jealous. Because of those fights, along the way I started thinking about my old crush whom I had been in love with for more than 5 years before I started dating my ex. It made lose my attention for her so I started taking her for granted and not paying attention to her. And I also think that I did some things that made her happy because I wanted something in return because subconsciously I did. So she broke up with me. Initially I agreed and I tried to “shock” myself into moving on by just hanging out and going crazy. But it all ended when I found out she got a new boyfriend (a good friend of mine too) just three months after the breakup. I was depressed and suicidal and in the end I spoke to her. I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend or anything, just a discussion on why we broke up and all. For the next few months I was living life emptily until it happened again then followed by more emptiness. Recently her new boyfriend broke up and he might have cheated on her (intimate photos on social media) and she’s decided not to have any relationship right now. I confessed to her that I still had feelings for her but was rejected. And I’m ashamed to say but I did a lot of the things in the Common Pitfalls section. I constantly texted her, I begged her, I tried to appear confident when I met her (along with other friends). After I begged her, she told me to give up. She said that she’ll never accept me again. She said that she’s okay with being friends but nothing more. Then two weeks later my best friend, who I had been sharing with and asking for help on this, told me that he might have feelings for her too and he’s so much closer to her. The night before I discovered this I almost tried to commit suicide which I guess is definitely a sign of insecurity. Your article has been really helpful… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Based on your current emotional state, no contact would still be suitable because it is ultimately meant for your personal benefit and a conscious attempt to regain your composure as well as improve on yourself. Winning your ex back would come secondary to this, because without positive changes in your life, you give your ex no added reason to come back. Keep in mind that this isn’t an overnight process and it will take time, but you’ll have to be patient and constantly work on keeping positive about things, perhaps even date new people first before returning as a different person. We often have the mentality of ‘wanting what we can’t have’, and this may be a case in point especially since your waves of emotional negativity hits you hardest whenever you realize that someone else wants to go after her/has gotten together with her.

Kris S.
Kris S.

Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth Trying? ***************************recent update***** Hi so I’ve started the NC again and she reached out to me a couple times on snap chat.. she has been watching every single snap I make. She sent a message saying how she like a pic and another saying she had a shirt I was wearing in a old snap I posted. She tried to make conversation but I cut it short. Also she said I was dry and I said no. It’s only been maybe a week and she misses me I guess or maybe she feeling lonely being in a new city by herself .. it’s weird because her first day there she told me to leave her alone and it was none of my biz who she was dating but now that I have not been contacting her she messaged me. She asked me who I was with the day before but got upset when I asked who she was with.. lol doesn’t make sense dude.. I try not to pay attention to her social media because it drives me crazy she’s been going places with this other person. I don’t want to be gone too long because I don’t want her getting serious involved with someone else

Blake
Blake

Hi gear article thanks for posting,
Me and my girlfriend broke up on Saturday, we ended peacefully after doing some needy things I regret however she has messaged me asking how I am today which is the following Wednesday. I have started No Contact however I don’t want her to think I’m being an ass by not replying so do I reply or just keep no contact going?
Any help is great thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could reply but avoid prolonging the conversation. Go back into NC after your reply.

Brandon
Brandon

Me and my girlfriend were together for just over 4and a half years. We had a dog and lived together. The last 6 months of our relationship I had let stress get to me and started to change and kind of become miserable. I kind of ignored her for a couple of days and just spent that time stressing out, but when I opened up to her about what I was going through I realized I wanted to stop being like that. I wanted to get back to the happy fun guy who loves life and loves being in love with her. But by that time she said basically she fell out of love with me and just wants to have to worry about herself and her own life and not stress about me. Which makes sense I showed incredible weakness and felt lost and was no longer the guys she loves. Our breakup was kind of drawn out and went from we should just go on dates and not do the relationship stuff right now, to just be friends to I need my complete space. She wants this break to be long and she is definitely having more fun now that she isnt worrying about me Which is good. I just have no idea how we would get back into contact being that she doesn’t want to speak at all and don’t know how she would see the change in me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For starters, in the time you’ve been broken up until the next point of contact, focus on making those positive changes first in your life. You can always get back into contact after the break by dropping her a text or a letter and you can use this article for more guidelines.

Eric
Eric

Hi. I just want to know if my situation has any hope or if I can’t never go back with her.

I took my girlfriend of six months for granted. During the whole time our relationship lasted, her ex was around (She was dating her ex when we met and she left him for me). Her ex was kind of the opposite of me, she was constantly telling her how beautiful she was and how perfect she was, etc.
We broke up last week and I talk to her today and she told me that being with me made her realice she wants a guy like her ex, that she wants to be with him again. But here’s the thing: He doesn’t want to be back with her for now. It’s like, everything you say on this page happened! He told her that he moved on, he started to improve his grades in school etc etc and now she wants him back!! Another important thing is that he doesn’t leave where we do (they are both from the same town but me and her study in another city) so even if they do get back together they’re going to have a long distance relationship.

Do I have a shot at this? Should I even try?

Kris S.
Kris S.

Hi there this is the 3rd time using no contact rule on my ex girlfriend. First time was in December 2017 and I did almost 30 days and she missed me and we got back together.. she broke up with me later on and I did NC for a week and a half and she’s took me back .. recently she’s moved to another city for her job and broke up with me right before she left saying she leaving everything behind and not looking back. She said we dont work and we argue about past things. Yesterday was her first day in new city and she went on a date with someone and it crushed me. She went with someone I know and a person we argued about so many times because she flirted with them. I thought how could she. Just started the NC and this is a 3rd time.. do you think it will work?? Is it worth trying?

Ajay
Ajay

Hi Ryan. Your articles is so helpful. Thank you for it. I am also in a difficult situation. I had a relationship about 2 years. I work abroad but i spend enough time at home too. We broke up 4 months back just before I was leaving home for work. She told me from beginning that if her parents wont accept our relationship i should accept that and move on. We indians have too much complication about religion and all. Both of us belonged to different religion. But i was hoping atleast she would have told to her parents about me. But she was so afraid to do so.Because her parents are very strict. I accepted her decision and broke up. I thought i will get engaged to my work and forget her slowly.

But due to some reasons i had to comeback home within 2 weeks and I started to miss her and tried to contact her but she told me not to contact her and let her move on. I tried my best but at times I lost my cool and blamed her. I continued that wenever i got chance. Although it was not on a regular basis. But even after that she agreed to meet me once. I felt some feelings in her eyes that time so i asked her to be together again. But still her answer was no. Then I decide to go on No contact after 3 months of initial contact.Because she told me there is no feelings for me anymore. I didn’t contacted her for more than 2 weeks and oneday she contacted me because of something i posted on social media. Then after a few days we again contacted. And now we are in contact for last 3 days. I told her I accepted our break up. But i still got my feelings left for her. I will be going back to work within 2 weeks. What am I supposed to do? Shall I try my best to get her back? Or just let her go? Even if I get her back what if she is still not ready to convince her parents? I am not sure wheather she is dating someone else or still single? How do I ask her that? I always felt She is the perfect match for me.Thats why I dated her at the first place. I am so confused. Have you got any advice? I will be glad to hear from you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Based on everything you’ve said, it would seem that you might want to honestly consider the idea of moving on, especially if religion and the deal with her parents are never going to change. You could decide to contact her and try to establish a friendly line of communication again, but I wouldn’t suggest trying to win her back within these two weeks because you’ll probably end up doing something reckless or desperate since you’ll end up having a mental dateline to meet (before you leave).

Ajay
Ajay

Thanks for your reply Ryan. I wont do any reckless act because of the dateline. I will take my time and see if anything changes. I will happily move on if nothing happens. Is that gonna be ok? Or should I completely drop the plan of getting her back and move on? I hope you can give me a clear advice on this.

Bryan
Bryan

Hello Ryan, I really do appreciate your efforts on to help to get Ex back. I have a situation and it really complicated, me and my ex we livedin together for almost 5yrs, I’ve moved and left her several times due to arguments, then spoke with me and I spoke with her and I used to come back, this happened several times, I have hurt her physically & verbally several times as well and on February 2017 I cheated on her with 2 girl and met 2 girls as well she found out by opening my phone while I’m a sleep, before I cheated her she was in touch with a guy on social media that was on Dec 2017, I had no clue about it and we where will meeting and sleeping together even I was not living with her. on Jan 2018 where I have a situation and she shelter me again and opened her house for me and accepted me, one night while watching a vedio on her phone a message pup up from that guy saying ( you are a nice person and you deserve the best and bla bla) but it’s not really flirting message it’s more kinda comforting message, so I asked her gently who is this guy? She lied to me saying brother of my friend trying to find a work form him in the company where I work. And she got so angry with me and start to defend her self and I got so pissed and I shouted and hurt her again, since then I started to feel something wrong and she wasn’t sleeping at home saying she is mad and she is sleeping over in her sister house, still felt something wrong I tried to ask her but she got angry and too much defensive, so I started to go out almost every night and drink and hang out with different ladies, during that time I was still trying to get her back on track but it’s just didn’t work I felt jealous knowing that she is with someone else but she still too much defensive, when she found out first time about the girl I hang out with she give her self to me, but it was too late coz there was another girl I was hanging out with, so she opened my phone again and she saw the both girl in my gallery with flirting messages. So we fought and I left the house and after 2 days I came to know everything going on between her and the guy was with her and she is sleeping in he’s place way before I cheated on her I was… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would be important for you to learn how to control your anger and perhaps let go of your emotions in other ways. Otherwise, even if you do succeed at winning her back, the same cycle may repeat itself whenever you get upset. Currently it would be best to work on yourself in this aspect as well as other positive changes you can make, and give her some space to get over all the negative emotions she may feel towards you that has been pent up throughout the relationship.

Zash
Zash

Hey

My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week over a really small quarrel. I begged her to stay the first 3 days after the breakup. We met yesterday to talk things through because I knew that there had to be some underlying issues that pushed her to break up with me. She mentioned that she still loves me but maybe not as a partner as she feels too responsible for my happiness. She says she feels like I’ve moulded myself around her and that I am too self destructive and lack positivity. The responsibility she feels is more like what a mother feels for her child. I told her that this seemed unfair to me since she’s never ever spoken to me about how she felt. And just tells me this can’t be worked out out of the blue. She said that the day after we broke up, She felt lighter, because she had the option of telling me she can’t be there for me if I was self destructive. She also said that she’s not too sure about what she feels and will probably take a long time to figure that out. She mentioned that she still cares about me and loves me and wants me in her life. However she said she wants us to remain friends. Good friends. She gives mixed signals though. She held my hand, and called me at 4 am just to tell me how her day went. Last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hours just like how we used to in the very beginning of our relationship.

During our conversation yesterday, I told her that maybe we both need to reset. And that I want to fight for her. I told her I respected what she wanted but I wanted to work towards a future with her cus it means everything to me. And then she said that maybe she wasn’t too sure about what she wanted and that maybe I’m right.. that she needs to reset. She said that she isn’t gonna change her mind in the next 6 months. And that we are not getting back together. But if I show changes, she might consider it after 6 months. Having said that,she also mentioned that should anyone come her way, she wouldn’t say no.

What do I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Do try to understand that while she still definitely loves you, she is also exhausted from being in a relationship with you at the same time. A relationship should see each other through thick and thin, but everyone has different capacities to what they can handle. If she feels this way about the relationship and you genuinely want her back, I would suggest giving what she felt about you being self-destructive and dependent emotionally, and figure out if its something that you can spend this time working on.

Mike
Mike

Hi.
Me ex left me after a year of relationship, because of lot of fights we had. I beg, and beg, and beg her to get back, and she finally accepted to get back. After that, i lost my dignity, became inferior, and did everything to satisfy her. Before was dominant in relationship, sometimes too much, she sad she felt desperate sometimes because she loved me so much and felt inferior in same time, and that I took advantage of that and hurt her(never wanted that, and didn’t realized that, and i’m acknowledging the mistake). She admitted that she is revenging for that. After a month of agony, after one fight, she left me again. This time I accepted the situation, and day after that we agreed to have sex from time to time, and that we can go out together. She was so happy about that, that her body language was screaming “i’m going to explode”.
We had great time since that(almost a month), great sex, great communication, and we both agreed on that. We are texting each day a lot of times, and every time she is the one to start texting. Also she admitted that sometimes she has urge to call me, just to talk, but don’t want to do that because she thinks it’s too much. I can see in her eyes that she is looking at me again like dominant male who can take care of her, but i ruin that sometimes with my impatience and showing too much emotions. When i want to get her in to talk about getting back, she become highly defensive and telling that there isn’t good chance for that.
I’m confused on what to do now, and how to keep myself calm to not show her how much i need her.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps give her time to reconsider and think things through. For the time being, you can increase your chances by being positive and giving her a good reason to want you back. Avoid being pushy or getting desperate as it would only push her away.

Tyler
Tyler

My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. Long story short, we have had quite a number of issues and arguments leading up to her asking for a break (not break up) first. We do not have serious red flag issues like cheating, dishonesty or insecurity but we are both just headstrong and it is hard for either of us to give in and say sorry if we think our reasons are valid. Initially, I agreed for the break as it was 3 weeks to her exams but a day later I tried telling her reasons of why we shouldn’t go through with it. But she decided she needed it and after a painful month of us without any form of communication and blocking on social media, she just met to break up as she thinks our characters are incompatible and is pretty firm and fixated on her decision so I knew it is hard for her to change her mind. I have been on no contact for 2 weeks and have been focusing on myself and reflecting and just posting instagram stories whenever Im out and about which she views. I have been in a couple of relationships before this and I think we both could adapt to each other if only we learned to give in more and that she doesn’t understand that sometimes we have to stay strong to ride through the rough patch before things go up. My question is since we already had a 1 month break in which she thought through and then decided to break up, how long should our no contact be? I was thinking it should be longer but if she is as convinced in her decision as I think she is, I am afraid she might move on and think it is for the better.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

In every relationship it will take both parties for it to work out. If she’s decided this all on her own, and is very firm on her resolve, even if there were things that could’ve been done to ‘adapt’ to each other, she is no longer interested in them at this point. My suggestion is that you probably have to win her back all over again as if it were the first time, and that probably can’t happen right now as it is still too soon. You could try again after another month, but keep in mind that you’re going to win her back from square one, because it seems like she has already moved on during the month’s break between the two of you.

jon
jon

Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and completed 2 months of no contact (ending a month ago). The relationship ended on fairly good terms. A month ago I recently initiated contact with my ex. The content of the messages have not been about anything serious or the past relationship, and she has been responding to them fairly well. However, the frustrating thing is that she is taking at least a week to reply to my messages (Note that I have not been replying instantly to her messages, giving a few days before responding). I am not panicking and I understand as everyone is extremely busy with university exams/work at the moment, but still, a week between messages is extremely frustrating. It is making me think that we are somehow no longer on good terms but perhaps I am being irrational – my birthday recently passed and I did not receive a message from her. I understand she is very busy, but I am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

Vincent
Vincent

Hey guys, so my girlfriend recently broke up with me and i am currently doing the nc for 30 days. We have not talked for 3 days now and i’ve decided to desactivate my fb account for a while to keep me from looking a her profile and just take some time to clear my head. But yesterday, she sent me a text saying “did you just really block me on facebook??” So i answered no and said that i just disactivated my account to keep me from looking a her stuff and take time for myself. It seems like the idea of me blocking her really hurt her. She seemed very upset about it and i would like to know if that means she’s still thinking about me and reconsidering her decision.
Thank you.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It may or may not mean anything at this point, and you should not overthink things. However, it does indicate that to a certain extent, she still cares about what you do and it’s definitely a more positive sign than just not caring.

Vincent Forest
Vincent Forest

Hi Ryan, thank you for your answer. I will try not to think about it too much. However, does that mean i should start the nc all over again because we talked? The conversation ended really quickly, that was about it.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

No you don’t have to restart NC all over again. We all face setbacks every now and then, the key thing is that you made a conscious effort to be aware about it.

Adrian
Adrian

Hi,
Great page!
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. We been together for 1 year and 2 months. I could feel that last months something was wrong in our relatioship. I could feel she was taking distance from me little by little.
I’ve always been nice to her and sometimes too nice. Last months I did the mistakes which is written on this page by beeing even nicer and doing everything for here because I was afraid to loose her.(i’ve always been afraid to lose her).
She says that she still have feelings for me, but she wants to be alone to se what kind of feelings it is. She also says that she doesnt want to loose me, but she needs time.
When she broke up with me she was drunk and she called me and said she needs to be alone. And i got angry for the way she did it, by calling. I said that she hurt me for breaking up with that way after all I’ve done for here and im stil angry at here but i still love here and i want us to be together.
We havent met after she called me 4 days ago, but we talked on the phone and she was sorry for the way she did it.
She wants to meet up with me in person and tell why she wants to be alone and so we can be together one last time.Today we havent talked.
My question is if I should say yes and meet up with her or if I should go to no contact stage?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It would depend on whether you’re able to handle meeting her or not, especially if she wants to go through with the break up. You’re probably going to have to mentally prepare to let her go for now, and win her back all over, and you can’t let your hopes bring you down in the process and end up doing more damage than good when meeting her.

Johnny
Johnny

my ex of a little over one year broke up with because of my jealousy i tried to win her back for like 3 weeks but of course it didnt work she says she really needs to be alone for a while and wants to work on her self during the time i was trying to get her back she would answer all my texts and let me go see her at her house and would tell me everything she’s been up to when i call her with out me really asking. i would always get the feeling that she likes talking to me still but doesnt want to get back together. ive been in NC for 18 days i been hitting the gym working alot and feeling great and i honestly feel like i can be with out her no problem but i really do love her and realize where i went wrong. i honeslty dont know where i should go from here.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Complete no contact and continue with your process of self-improvements, and then start talking to her again after. If you’re able to show her the changes through your actions, you would probably cause her to re-think if getting back might be a good idea again.

Robert
Robert

I’m in a bit of a crisis with it all and am not sure where I should start on this.
-She broke it off
-I hung around for ages trying to get her back.
-we met up and it went well and we kissed.
-we had an argument and she blocked me
-she met someone else during this time
-called her after a couple days. Started talking, told her I accepted her decision to end it. Found out about the other guy. Acted like I was happy with it because it made her happy
-after a few days told her it was too much for me and I needed some space and she was cool with it
-lasted 4 days
-went back to talking. Told her again I just want her to be happy so let her go for this other guy. Could tell this hurt her a little.
-Called after about 3 days to check in
-she was laughing with me and things sounded positive.
– Called her the next day to say I was sorry for everything. She said it was over so I had nothing to apologise for. Inisited i did and laid everything out and all the mistakes I made. She ended the call after she accepted my apology and said just remember this the next time. Either she meant with her or with another girl I’m not sure

There’s probably a few more bits in there I’ve forgotten but essentially I’m not sure what to do now. She messaged me first today about something trivial and I read it and then ignored her.

I really don’t know what to do about this. Should I tell her I need space again? I have no idea… I’ve made such a mess of things at this point. I think she still has feelings for me to be honest but I don’t know. I don’t want to lose her

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You probably need to go into no contact proper, and focus on making changes to yourself in a positive manner if you want to win her back. You could always tell her you need space, but I would suggest just to go into it unless she contacts you first.

B.C
B.C

Hi Ryan/Kevin. 1st contact message went well. She apologized for hurting me twice after that, saying it was one of her biggest regrets. I didn’t reply. She plainly apologized a third time, but I got super affectionate in accepting it and she didn’t reply after. she broke up with me b/c she still felt in love with her ex. Said she loves me as well though. Worth working to get her back? Been with a few other girls since then but it does not feel the same.

P.S. we had actually gone through all these stages of recovery without knowing it about this site.

Basically I got up to the point where I was about to meet her casually, but blew it and made things awkward.. Her close friend said I was definitely not a rebound. Ex said she needs to heal. Advice on how to proceed?

Thinking of texting her again but afraid i’d be on a third chance. Idk if she moved on.

Thank you in advance.

OJamesG
OJamesG

@Ryan So following on from my last post where I said I’d leave it for another month, no contact with her whatsoever besides her checking my story and posting a happy birthday message on my fb wall. I didn’t respond except liking the post to keep things civil as I liked everyone else’ post. It got to the last day mark and I’m getting ready to send her the letter as stated in the guide, I then receive a message from her telling me that she’s started to see someone new and that she’s telling me out of courtesy because when we split I asked that she would tell me if/when that happened. It’s only been 2 months since the break up, I wasn’t expecting her to move this fast since our relationship was 7 years, but here we are.

I’m confused as hell because she said she couldn’t fathom finding happiness elsewhere yet when we broke up, and the more I look back I wonder if it’s this one guy from her work who had been hovering around her. There are really so many people it could be, in fact I’m almost certain it’s him, which sucks as she said she didn’t have any interest in him. I’m a little numb, maybe it hasn’t hit me yet or maybe it’s what I needed to let go. I’m not sure which step to take now, do I still send the letter? I had planned to send it then just continue with my life, in case it is a rebound, in case somewhere along the road she reconsiders, I don’t know if it’s a rebound or if it’ll last, pretty crap either way. So what do you think, should I still send? Do you think this could be a rebound or that she had him lined up before ending things?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could still send it since you had already mentally prepared to carry on with your life after anyway. It sucks to find out your ex has moved on to someone new, but at the same time, it could just as easily be a rebound to cope with the negative emotions she feels and loss of relationship habits she was once used to.

Alex
Alex

My girlfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We dated for about 7 months, which I know isn’t long but I felt as if it would’ve lasted longer. Before we broke up she was getting in these moods where she didn’t feel anything, and no matter what I did she still felt empty. So we broke up. A couple days ago I invited her over and showed her all of the memories of us and asked for her back. She obviously said no which is where I am today. Over the past couple hours I’ve tried to sound more sad in the texts and distance myself with the no contact part. It is almost the end of the school year and in a month we agreed to meet up and see if she feels anything then. Do you think that is a good plan, and to begin the no contact? Thank you, this article really helped give me some ideas.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You should not be trying to come across as ‘sad’ because this adds to the look of desperation in her view, but yes arranging to meet her in a month’s time would be a good idea. In the meantime, focus on improving yourself and giving her a greater reason to feel something when she sees you again.

Alex
Alex

I forgot to leave out that it isn’t just me that she isn’t feeling anything for its everything. She is depressed and doesn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t help her so I left which only made it worse. Everyday I text her and tell her how beautiful she is and how happy we were together. She replies with “aw or cute”. The thing that also bugs me is the reason we broke up, I don’t know how to help her or how to get her to love me or just be happy again.
I also talked to a friend and they made a good point about the No Contact stage. If I were to leave her now, I feel as if she wouldn’t acknowledge it with all the other things bringing her down in life. So in reality making no difference.
I want to know how I can bring her back up but also not be so stressed and scared to lose her at every second.
She cares about me, shes told me that multiple times. And when I try to just let time take its course, I get scared and feel as if I’m going to lose her over time and that she might move on.
Do you have any ideas of how to get her to be happy again, and ways for her to think about our relationship so that she has feeling again?
Thank you. Will probably reply with more questions.

Jake
Jake

My gf broke up with me about 2 months ago, and after that I went through with just over a month of no contact. However I have found it very difficult to reconnect with her. If I try to text her she seems very disinterested, and if I try to talk with her at school she does not want to talk to me. We ended on somewhat good terms and I never annoyed her or asked for her to come back. But I know that I have become a much better version of myself recently and when she sees that she will want to get back together. I feel as though I am making no progress because I have no way to talk with her. How do I reconnect with her? Thanks, looking forward to your reply.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she appears disinterested, it could be too soon to contact her at this point. There could be several reasons why she feels this way such as having moved on since, or even still going through the recovery stage where she may be reminded of negative memories when she talks to you. You could use this article for more guidance on how to text her.

James
James

I’m in a precarious situation. Me and my ex broke up when I went to rehab two months ago. The day before I came home (2 days ago), she told me she’s moving to LA. This is obviously devastating, as I has her in my mind during those hard times to make the right choices. She’s nervous to see me before she leaves.. her words were “I love you so much I have to let you go, and you sick me in every time”. That said, I know seeing me will just make her decision to love more challenging. Her move to CA isn’t permanent, and the break may be good for us both, however, I do want to at least see her, and have her leave with the door with us open, instead of closed. That said, should I go into NC for a few weeks, and reengage a week before she leaves or something? I have been very needy since she gave me the news, and I haven’t got any response or reciprocation which really really hurts. I love this woman, I made awful mistakes, and I want to continue the persuit. Any ideas would be great.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes it definitely sounds like after your actions of being needy and this final meeting up, keeping the door open would be a good idea but only after both of you have taken some time off from each other using NC as you’ve said. Spend this time focusing on yourself and improving so that at least she feels that you’re someone worth considering to get back together with, instead of wallowing in self-pity and sadness that many others end up doing.

Derrick
Derrick

Hi. Thanks for the page it has give me a lot of clarity. I broke up with my ex a few days ago. And it was entirely my fault. Three weeks ago I took a trip to visit my mum for a weekend and came back and when I did I would try to contact her and she seemed different, she always lied to me and never wanted to spend time with me, then a friend of mine told me that she was out with another guy. When I confronted her she didn’t address the issue. And I run mad thinking how could she cheat on me so I would call her a lot show up to her work place and she seemed to be going further away. So this really messed with my mind. So the other day I went to see her and she said she needs time to be alone and enjoy her alone time focus on her work and that if we are bound to be then we will but we should stop seeing each other, but she told me she will always be my friend and be there for me…basically breaking up with me. Honestly I love her so much and all I want is her back in my life because she made such a big impact in my life. So what do I do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Go into no contact for now and follow the guidelines found in our articles on everything you should do (and not do) to win her back.

Joe
Joe

So my ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago after a year and a half of dating she said she didnt feel the same anymore and that i was clingy and also after the break up for about 3 weeks i was trying to talk to her saying sorry and that i know she still loves me and that please comeback to me i also cornered her and told her that she still had feelings for me and please think about me after words she said she didnt want anything to do with me not even be friends during which i told her sorry for everything i did to her after the breakup ive done no contact for the past 3 weeks during this time she also got into a new relationship with a good friend of hers (which also scares me cause idk if he is a rebound or not, and if he is how long will the be together) i do feel good about myself and i know the mistakes i made and ive also been working on myself become a better person but idk how to reestablish contact should i start with an elephant in the room text or what also idk if she even misses me or still has feelings for me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Since things ended the way it did back then, perhaps you might want to give it more time before considering approaching her again as she might not respond to you positively at this point. I would recommend continuing with NC and working on yourself for another couple of weeks before trying to contact her, and based on her response, you’ll be able to gauge how she feels towards you.

Alex
Alex

It’s been almost three weeks of NC with my ex. But my ex has never liked texting, so I’m a bit skeptical of that phase of the plan. I don’t think I can make her fall again through text if she absolutely hates texting everyone. Would it be a mistake to call her up and ask to meet up?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps start with a text or two first, before proceeding to calling her. You don’t want to suddenly call and she is taken aback by it.

nik
nik

I’ve been with my ex for 5 years when she broke up with me. i am currently working aboard and she dumped me when i got home from work for 7 months. i was devastated that time because i was so excited to see her after 7 months. before i got home we had a fight, i was insecure, jealous and super needy that time. i tried to beg her to come back to me but nothing happend…i was married before and i have not yet filed for annulment and she said she got tired of waiting for me. it’s been almost 3 months since we broke up and im back here in the middle east again and now im trying hard to do the NC. do i still have a chance to get my ex back? now im trying hard to focus on myself and improve myself while in far from home so that when i come home again i become a better version of myself. its just hard to be alone and far from home and without someone to talk to.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I know it’s hard, but you’ll have to persevere if you want to win her back. Keep distracted during this period, and perhaps do things that would lift your spirits as well.

David
David

Long story short, my ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 months of dating. Her excuse was “she was unhappy”. She couldn’t really explain the reasoning of why she was unhappy and I still don’t buy that excuse. However she wanted to maintain a friendship with me, even though she doesn’t like being friends with exes because she feels there will always be an attraction between exes. We’ve maintained a friendship after the breakup and hung out twice since. She was more flirty with me the first date than the second date. I can tell she still has feelings for me but is guarded and possibly afraid and I’m sure right now she just wants to focus on her self, which is fine with me because I want to do the same. However, I feel she has distance herself as time has passed and I’m realizing now I should have done NC immediately after the breakup. Is it too late to win her back if I break off contact with her for awhile or do I still have a chance if I start NC? Should I even bother since she said there was no chance of getting back with her even though she has gotten back with one other ex who treated her badly?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

As the relationship was only for 5 months, if you’re intending on doing NC, perhaps aim to do about 2-3 weeks of it, especially if you’ve been talking to her almost daily prior to her distancing herself from you. It’s natural for her to have her guard up, but if you want to win her back, you’re going to have to prove to her that you’re different from past partners by showing her positive changes.

David
David

She acknowledged she started to have her guard up since the second date since she saw I still had strong feelings for her. She maintains that regardless of having feelings for me she doesn’t want to get back together. Should I continue with the NC or just give up hope?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This is entirely your choice, whether you want to persist and be patient in slowly trying to win her over, or give up because of the uncertainty and potentially wasting your time. Ultimately there’s no guarantee for any relationship to work out, and its something you have to take the chances on.

Kat
Kat

So, this is a same-sex break up story. We dated for almost 2 years, but only the 1st month of it was just us.. that means that her very abusive, conservative family found out and went ballistic. Her parents sent me threatening text messages to keep away, but we persisted and made it work undercover. We both considered ourselves straight before this and the bond was too strong to let. She was, still is, also a person with mental problems, mostly depression, which in the course of these 2 years has not been helpful to our relationship, but I had learnt to deal with it, both for me and her, more effectively. But the lies she kept telling her family, the fear of being found out and expect abuse for both me and her, became too much. She lost physical attraction, yet she never lost the feeling. We broke up because her depression peaked and at the same time she collapsed under the pressure of lying, she even had dermatological issues out of the fear. She is still studying, probably will for a year more, and lives with her parents. I believe that what we had is hard to find. I am 28 and I had mediocre as I now know relationships before. Same goes for her, only she is 24. I believe we never got our chance, so I want to hope for a future together, but I know it will be a while, maybe more than a year. Do you believe I should attempt it if I still want it…later in life? There’s nothing to forgive, if the family was out of the picture, I firmly believe we would still be together.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

This would be entirely dependent on you and whether you want to or not. However, do consider the relationship she has with her family (whether it’s good or not) prior to meeting you, and if she would be able to sacrifice that and leave her family behind for you since that may be what it takes to have a lasting relationship especially if her family is entirely against you/the idea of a same sex relationship.

Atom
Atom

Hello, so I dated a girl significantly younger than myself for about 3 months. The first few weeks were delightful, she was attentive, responded well to my compliments and was frisky and eager to please. After a few weeks it slowed down considerably on her end, the frequency of talking remained very good but she died down on complements or sexy talk. Whenever I brought it up she said she just had intimacy issues and it was hard for her to say those things (although she had no problem before) over time she would stop responding to texts, get increasingly angry towards me for all annoyances in her life, yet maintained that we were a “thing” the sex and reciprocated flirting also died down to nonexistent. Around me she was always a downer, yet in public she was a flirty outgoing lady, except towards me. I can admit I was impatient and frustrated with the situation and acted in a non gentlemanly manner, being more of a confused child than the stud bull I typically am. She was in contact with her most recent ex throughout the entirety of our relationship, and bad mouthed him and his non caring ways often, she did not seem over him, which added to my insecurities on the issue. After a disastrous night at the bar where she was openly flirting with various men I said enough and cut it off. A week later I reached out again to which she was somewhat receptive, we hung out again and she was once again Debby downer and seemingly uncaring towards me even being there. A few days later we had it out over text about the situation. Since then, a month and a half, we’ve had 3 phone conversations and various texts I’ve sent that go Unreplied for days. When we talk she’s vaguely hostile and mentions that she’s still pissed at me, and went so far as to tell me about the last guy she dated since me, which aleady didnt work out. I’m not sure if what I feel is love or just a hope for something that lasted for a few weeks to return, but she’s on my mind always and I’m not sure how to proceed.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

While she may have had feelings for you before, there’s a chance due to her age and emotional maturity that she just isn’t capable of having a lasting relationship yet. It seems that she may have gotten bored of you which resulted in her flirting with other people, and judging by how quickly her next relationship ended too, seems like she may have gotten bored of him too. You have to take these things into account and even if you decide to win her back, whether she would get bored again after awhile and repeat the cycle.

Julian
Julian

My ex and I were dating for 6 months and then she ended it stating she was unhappy but couldn’t explain the reason well enough. While we were dating, she stated that once she breakup with someone, there is no going back, however she did make one exception with one ex. I did partial NC for about 2 months, and then I asked her if she wanted to hangout. She agreed. While we were hanging out, she told me she is going Washington for the weekend with a friend, whom she didn’t want to tell me who it was, stating ” oh it’s someone you don’t know.” Besides that the date went very well and I could tell she was still into me but it still bothered me she didn’t want to tell me who the mystery guy was. We started speaking more after this date although conversations were nothing serious. We went out again about two weeks later. At this point she tells me she’s going to a broadway show with a male friend and she gives me the same reason as before about not telling me who he is. During our date I told her that I missed hanging out with her and that she is the first girl I’ve ever dated where I found her personality more beautiful than her actual appearance. She blushed and thanked me for giving her space during our breakup. I recently came back from a trip and I mailed her a small souvenir package, with a note stating ” hope you like the gift. Hope to see you soon.” She thanked me after receiving the package with a blushing emoji and during our text exchange I wrote ” it was the only way you can have it since Idk when I’m going to see you again” hinting that I wanted to see her soon. She didn’t acknowledge the hanging out part but that she loved the gift and and appreciated the thought the gesture. Now I’m confused and hurting and don’t know what to do. Is she still into me? Is she really seeing someone else even though she told me on the night of our breakup she wanted to focus on herself? Is there a good chance of us getting back together in the future or should I move on?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

People will say whatever it takes to successfully end the relationship at times, so certain things like ‘wanting to focus on herself’ should be taken with a pinch of salt since they won’t be able to predict the next time they meet someone new. You could always find out from her if she’s currently seeing anyone and make your decision on the next steps to take from there.

Julian
Julian

So she told me it’s just a friend from junior high and she’s not seeing anyone. However she explained to me why she broke up with me stating lack of spontaneity and not making the effort of getting to know her friends when I met them (mind you every time I saw them it was at a club where it’s impossible to get to know someone, let alone a group of people). She stated she still has feelings for me but doesn’t share the same feelings of getting back together. I’m going to start NC but I’m also thinking if I should even bother? Do you feel there’s a chance of getting her bacK?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

There’s always a chance, but its always dependent on the circumstances of the entire relationship between the two of you and how meaningful it was.

Sunny
Sunny

Mine is not different case. My seven years marriage couldn’t work out, nothing was going right with us. So finally I filed for divorce last year. My wife is not ready for it.
We are not staying together from last one year.
During this time as was going through very difficult phase. Got in touch with one office colleague working in different department. We became friends then fall in love. All was going well from April 2017 till last month. Unfortunately one of her family friend working in the same company with us come to know about us. He has informed everything to her real brother. We belong to different caste and culture moreover my divorce is yet to settle. He is not ready to accept our relationship. He has informed her not to keep any contact with me and given promise on parents not to keep any contact with me from then onwards she is not talking to me even blocked my no. I have not tried to called her even or msged she has conveyed from one of her friend that we are meant to be together and asked me to move on life. As we are working in same organisation getting very difficult for me not able to concentrateon work. As I can see her in front can’t even ignore her. When I found her talking her colleagues nicely broke me in pieces.
I want her back in my life. Do I have any chance. Pls guide me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I’m a little unfamiliar with the caste system and how strongly people adhere to it, but if its something that won’t change, and she is someone who believes or has strong respect for it, then you might want to consider moving on.

Julian
Julian

Hi Ryan, so this is my story. My ex left me about 3 and a half years ago. (we were friends for a few years before dating however).
I was neglecting her and not giving her the appreciation she deserved. I was completely blind to this at the time though and have grown as a person significantly since. I’ve also ticked alot of the boxes you state above since, and feel like a better person that deserves her alot more now.
She started dating someone almost immediately afterwards and it was quite an ugly break up. I also started dating someone afterwards, but quite a while later.
Her new relationship lasted about 3 years (during which there was no contact) and mine closer to a year. We both became single again around the same time. After which I really realised that I messed up by neglecting her and that shes a great match for me, and I’d love a second shot at us.
When she became single she unblocked me off all social media, which is a big step for her. And I initiated contact about a month later with a light text about a funny part of our past, which got her to laugh and we chatted about how we’ve been doing since, with our careers etc. She mentioned that she’s working with kids and I replied that I’m happy for her and not surprised, given that she was always good with kids and wanted to help people. And I asked her to elaborate further on a problem one of the kids has that she’s helping. She never replied. This was about 3 weeks ago. I haven’t intiated contact since, as I thought she just isn’t interested. Any advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well it could have been that she was busy and forgot. You could always try dropping her another text or message again since it has been 3 weeks but start on a different topic and see how she responds to you from that.

Brian
Brian

Hello, right now i’m at stage 4 of this strategy guide, and I followed all the steps exactly like mentioned in the guide. The breakup wasn’t very dramatic and I didn’t make many mistakes in the days after. So, I recently contacted her via text after the no contact period, and she responded in a positive way, but still she didn’t initiate texting in the next days (also she didn’t contact me during no contact).

A few days later we had to meet eachother because of a party of a mutual friend and after some time she came sitting right next to me and began to be touchy with me, in a playfully fighting way. I just did it back, because I didn’t quite know what I had to do… I have no idea what to think of this..

Do I still have to follow the plan and wait some days before I contact her again?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Well most likely she was tipsy, or felt a sense of familiarity and became more open to expressing it while at the party. You could continue to contact her since her initial response has not been negative towards you thus far.

Oliver
Oliver

Hi Ryan, first of all, thank you for uploading this guideline and giving guys like me something to follow through. Here’s my case. My ex and I are seperated for 4 weeks now. He have been together for seven years. the last year was kind of difficult, since something was missing, the passion etc, and we haven’t succeded in working on it intentionally. Our relationsship was at the lowest point at the end and then I made the mistake when a co-worker at work was flirting with me. I agreed to meet her and and was overwhelmed from the feeling that she wanted me so bad. I ended up having sex with her, regreting it and telling my then girlfriend what I did. She ended the relationship immediately and said, that was really the tip of the iceberg and that its not hard for her to end it now, that I have done that, also because we where at our lowest pont ever in the relationship. At the beginning of our breakup I was sort of down but also thought that maybe it might be better that way. My ex and I saw each other coincidentally several times. The last time made me thinking and realized that I actually still have very strong feelings for her. I still think that she is the one for me. 5 days ago I made the mistake and called her, I went all-in and told her that I still love her and that things will change with a new beginning. She told me that she is happy how it is right now and that she doesn’t have enough feeling to start it again. That really hurted me. And I can’t get her out of my mind ever since. Yesterday we had to work together, just for a project for one day. It was really hard for me to stay cool and not needy. I couldn’t help me to bring up our passed relationship again. I told here that I was dissapointed that the breakup doesn’t seem bother her at all, that she acts all normal as if we just good friends. She told me that it isn’t easy for her either, but she doesn’t let anybody see it. I huged her after that but she told me that that wouldn’t have an effect on her. At the end of our shift I told her that it would be better if we have no contact anymore, since I’m the one who is suffering and going crazy all the time. I’m a little bit afraid of seeing her nect week at my best friends bday party next week, since I know I’m not myself right now.… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could follow this article on how to handle events where meeting your ex in unavoidable. As for your chances, I would say that it’s definitely still there, except that it would take time and No Contact would actually be more for you instead of her where you pick your emotional state up and improve yourself during this time. Ultimately, if you want to win her, you’re going to have to give her a reason to actually want you back in order to succeed.

Oliver
Oliver

Hello Ryan, thank you for your reply. As I understand it I’ll have to do the NC phase until I have found a decent emotional state and improved myself. But what if it takes three months or longer, isn’t there a chance that she will forget me because she moved on realising that living without me is possible or even better? Can a NC phase take too long? I know that the NC phases primarely intention is not her to miss me, it’s more than a side effect. It’s more that I develop and find peace within me. But are there any other tools that I can use for her to forgive me that I cheated on her, it’s hard for me to just rely on time since she might just put me in a position were I’m just the bad guy and then she just gets over it. And you were talking about giving her a reason to actually wanting me back. The way I see it is to present her a version of me that ultimately promises a new and more fulfilling relationship than the past one. Or what do you exactly mean with reasons for her to give me another chance? Can you suggest something in particular?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Yes, basically you want to come across as someone that’s worth forgiving and starting anew and the best way to go about doing so is to actually make those changes and finding the peace within yourself. NC also gives her time to process and let go of the negative feelings she has against you at this point. If it is going to take awhile before you reach that decent emotional state, perhaps at least give it a month of NC before you go about and apologize to her or send the elephant in the room text in order to at least show her that you are sorry for whatever has happened.

Olli
Olli

Thanks Ryan. Can you also give me a reply to one of my last questions. Can I do NC too long?

Besides that, I started NC 4 days ago. The last messageI sent her was about apologizing and saying that we shouldn’t have contact from now on. Now what I want to ask you, theres a bday party from my best friend this friday, she will be there too. I don’t go if I should go there, I’m pretty vulnerable at the moment. But I’m too concerned what she might think if I’m absent. What should I do? Avoid the party because of no contact? And again, can you do the NC phase too long? Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could go to party if you feel emotionally stable enough to do so, but avoid contact with her when there and at the same time try not to act too unusual, meaning just be yourself but avoid small talk with her. To answer your first question, NC has a timeline that differs for everyone depending on the relationship. Contact too soon, and your ex is still feeling negative towards you but wait too long and she may very well move on. I cannot answer for certain what that timeline is because it really depends on your relationship with her, as well as the type of person she is. Generally, a good time frame is 30 days for civil breakups, but longer if the breakup took an ugly turn or you’re not ready.

Oliver
Oliver

Thank you. Can you also reply to my previous question if a NC phase can take too long?
And my best friend is giving a bday party this friday, she will be there too. Is it okay if I don’t go since I’m emotionaly unstable or could she be turned off if I dont come since I’m avoiding her on purpose? Thanks, Oliver

jon
jon

Hi, I was in a relationship with my ex for 4 years and have completed 2 months of no contact. The relationship ended on fairly good terms. I recently initiated contact with my ex and we shared a few messages for 2 days (just 1 or 2 messages per day). We did not talk about anything serious or the past relationship. However, she has not replied to my last message for 3 days now. I know I should not panic as she is quite busy with work/uni at the moment, but am just wondering how I should approach things now. Thanks!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Wait for another week or so before trying to reach out to her again. Start off on a completely separate topic from the last time or perhaps even discuss something that you may have needed her advice on to avoid looking desperate.

James
James

Girlfriend ended things after 16 months because she needed space and felt suffocated, and said that feelings from before were no longer there. We have been living 60miles apart whilst in my final year of university for the last 8 months, texting regularly and visits every other week. She said she felt more like friends and that i was too needy and insecure. Currently in first week of NC. I’m finishing university in just 3 weeks and starting a new job back home. She still cares very much about me but just says the feelings aren’t the same as before christmas time… which coincides with when my work has been getting super busy at university and visits have been less frequent. What shall i do to try and re-spark things when I get back home?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Start off with building the friendship back up and trying to get close to her again before attempting to build feelings up and attracting her back the way you first did when you got together with her.

Brand Brand
Brand Brand

Yep, she has moved into my house because she got evicted from her home. Im talking about my ex-wife. We were married for 10 years. We have 2 little boys together. She left me 1 year ago and she wanted the divorce. I do want her back, I love her and she knows it. Her and our boys have been living with me for since 3/12/2018. This is now OUR home. We have made love a few times. But it is so hard to talk to her she is still angry. She told me she would never live with me again but here she is. What does this all mean? What can i do to keep her and win her heart back? Please help me now!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like she does have feelings for you but harbors negative emotions at the same time. My suggestion right now would be to perhaps avoid bringing up serious topics but to work on building a positive bond with her through pleasant memories so that she becomes more receptive towards you.

OJames G
OJames G

Gf of 7 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. Longest NC we had was for 2 weeks, I reached out around 8pm via text as a family member was ill, I didn’t hear anything from her (Assume she was asleep) then she called me around 1am. I picked up and we talked, she reassured me everything would be ok, then we had a light hearted chat and I managed to make her laugh a bit. I told her I was working on myself and talking to someone about everything, and was able to see a lot of mistakes I couldn’t have in the relationship. She said she was glad but she didn’t want me to do it for her, that she hopes it helps me not repeat these mistakes in the future. I then stupidly pushed instead of leaving it on a nice note, and I asked her what if things could be different? She said that she misses me and when she sees funny things; jokes, memes etc she gets really sad and still thinks “I want to link this to him”, but she doesn’t because she feels it will keep us/me from moving on. And she said that while she gets sad that she can’t talk to me and reach out, when that sadness passes she feels peaceful and relief, that she doesn’t want to get back together because she doesn’t want to feel insecure, anxious or angry anymore. I said i understood and left it and we said goodbye and hope we can talk again one day. The next day we exchanged texts and she said while she didn’t mind being there for me, that I should maybe lean on friends/family, as her being there and being supportive won’t help me move on right now. I explained that it wasn’t hindering me from looking forward, and that I had no other agenda and I took getting us back together off the table because “too much has happened right now” (hindsight, i shouldn’t have said right now), I also said I would take a step back and not talk to her again as I think we both need the space. I said regardless of what’s happened we still have a connection on some level even if we’re not together and that was important to me that we get back to a place of neutrality at some point. She then said she felt it was clear that I would always have the thought of getting back together in the back of my mind, that she “wanted to be very clear that won’t happen”. Then she pointed out that even the “too much has happened *right now*” portion… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

The next time you reach out to her, perhaps go on a lighter note and avoid the topic of the relationship failing at the start because you want to avoid having her jump to the conclusion again so soon before anything is built up and she becomes guarded. You could continue with NC for perhaps around a month this time around. With regard to starving out the good feelings, as long as when you contact her again, you bring that side of the picture up, it should be fine.

OJames G
OJames G

I plan to give it some time yes, I’ve written an apology letter – it just outlines how I accept responsibility and recognize the things I did wrong and why they happened etc it also says how grateful I am that we shared what we did, and that I understand this is for the best, but that there’s no reason we shouldn’t talk. It ends in a pretty light hearted note, do you recommend sending this before reaching out via text? Or just keep it to text and keep it light hearted?

Jack
Jack

Me and my girlfirend were together for a year and a half. After some of her mental health issues deteriorated she suddenly broke up with me. She said she hadn’t been sure whether she loved me for a while and her feelings faded as her mental health got worse. But only a few days before she was telling me how in love with me she was. She was always going around her friends telling them how lucky she felt to have me, this never stopped. It was just so sudden, we were so happy and there was so much we had to look forward to. She has messaged me 4 times since, I havn’t read them because I want to go through no contact first and i’m scared if i read them then i’ll break it.
i dont know what to do because shes in such a fragile situation but i love her so much. please help me

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she is going through mental health issues, perhaps that would be the cause of her sudden change and breaking up with you. I would actually suggest opening the messages and figuring out if she needs support or space, and deciding from there.

Martin Rodriguez Azcarate
Martin Rodriguez Azcarate

Hi Ryan, We were toguether for 4 years, living toguether and all that. This last December she moved out because I did not attend her grandmother funeral (I could not make it on time, 500km away and 12 hours after I knew it) and overslept when I was supposed to pick her up at the airport. She moved and we kind of kept dating but after a huge argument over minor things she decided to dump me. I blocked her in social media and her reaction was to call a guy that was after her and started dating her. 2 weeks after that, I was out of town she tested me because some friend of mine was looking at her in a bad way (my friend was furious at her). They were at a bar and my reply to her was: you decided to fly away, now it is not my issue that some guy looks at you. I am not the one you should text. One hour later she was taking another guy to her house. This happenned 2 months ago. I have been doing well no contact. Only once I failed, it was half way throw. She called me desperate because she heard that I might move to another city (this is actually true as I got an offer). After 1 hour talking she calmed down and just when we were going to sleep (not in the same house), I asked her to have a drink the following day. I did not get a response till the following morning. She changed her mood an told me that I was no longer her 1st priority. She had plans and she was going to do that other thing (going with her rebound to spend the whole day away from town). I was really in shock. I could not understand anything (she did not notice as we did not speak until yesterday). Things were quite well. We even laugh and I talked about my future (this was the only serious thing) and that I was not sure what to do about my job. She said that I should not leave town but if she were to only think in herself she would rather see me go to another city. She also asked me what was my plan for today (friday the 27th). She said that she was dating this guy and would not like to see me in this position at this concert. I tell her I had some other plan. And thats about it. My birthday is May 9th. Her new date happens to be born that very same day. I told her that maybe this week we can have… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You might want to consider the job opportunity if it’s good for you, and that you shouldn’t try to force things to happen like make her meet you at that time for drinks since she’s technically dating someone else right now.

Corey
Corey

Hi Ryan thanks for the article really puts things in perspective. For my case, we broke up 2 months ago and after I went through the needy/desperate phase i started NC for 2 weeks until I ran into my ex gf. We ended up going for coffee and talked about what went wrong in the relationship and I made it clear I understood what needed to be changed. We also talked a little about our dating life since then and she said she is not interested in finding someone. She said she still has lingering feelings but does not want to depend on someone for happiness and she seems set on moving on. i wished her well. should i resume NC or try to build attraction?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest perhaps trying once to build attraction, provided she has been receptive towards you so far. However, if she responds negatively, continue with NC for now.

Andy
Andy

Hi. So i split with my ex about 4 weeks ago. She ended our 3 year relationship as she said she felt lonely. This was my fault. I took her for granted and didnt pay her enough attention. Problem is we work together so cant really do the nc rule. Plus i think it would reinforce her belief that she made rhe right decision. Anyway. Last weekend i lost all control and messaged her pouring my heart out. She was very cold and remained adamant that there was no going back ever. Im ashamed to admit that i begged. I asked her how has she got over me so quickly. That made her angry. She told me she wasnt over things emotionally and that she was so lonely towards the end she started to deal with the break up whilst we was together. She also said she loved me unconditionally at the time but theres no going back because it would never last as i never put her first. I really begged but to no avail. Anyway. I left it a few days then sent her flowers yeatersay with a note saying i was sorry for how i handled things. I accept my actions in it all and that i will always love her but will leave her in peace. I waited all day yesterday and she never messaged to say thanks. Today in work i seen her and she thanked me for the flowers. For the rest of the day i cant lie we have had a really good laugh together. It was great. Just like it used to be. Problem is my negative instincts kick in. Now im thinking ‘oh shes only having a laugh with me now cos shes totally at ease with the break up’ and that shes clearly completely over me thats why shes so relaxed. Im doing everything personally to concentrate on myself. Ive been working out. Lost nearly 14 pounds. And bouhht new clothes. Im lolking better than i have. I want to treat out ‘having a laugh together as a positive and not a negative..any suggestions? How do i handle this? And would she really be having a laugh and feel great around me cos shes over me? What should be my next move. Im worried if shes so relaxes that we have split up she might meet someone else. I know im over thinking things and i need to stop. Any advice much appreciated. Andy

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You can refer to this article on handling situations where meeting is inevitable. Perhaps NC is still a good idea at this point for you to regain your own emotional composure before trying to actively win her back again.

James
James

Hey, I’d like to start by saying thanks for this article because I think it’s very helpful! Here’s my situation, I had been with my ex for nearly 5 years we lived together with my parents in another city away from our hometown. She began visiting friends a lot more often back in our hometown which is an hour and a half drive from me. She had been away for a week this time and while she was away was saying she missed me etc but she wasn’t talking to me that much, maybe once every two days. When she came home from this week away she immediately walked into our room and said basically that it’s over and she is moving back to our hometown and getting her old job back and there was no changing her mind, her reasoning was that she didn’t feel like she loved me anymore and she has been trying to make it work. Excuse me if I’m in denial but the month before we went on holiday and had a great time, she even framed photos of us on holiday and put them around our room, oh and she had even sent me things saying I’m her soulmate! She made arrangements to move out 4 days later and even got her old job she loved back during that 4 days. To be honest though I’m not sure she likes living with my family that much and there is nothing here for her to stay around for her family and friends are all back home. I managed to speak to her about some of the issues and picked up the laughter and intimacy and she even started saying that she does see a future with me and that she had told her family that aswell but she really needs time to get back to herself and be single for a while but she doesn’t want me to hold on for her because she doesn’t know clearly what she wants yet. She moved out and I hadn’t made contact with her for 10 days but we do still have each other on social media, I haven’t been reading her posts but she has been reading mine on the ones that track who reads it. It was her birthday on the 10th day of no contact so I messaged her saying happy birthday hope you are doing good and she said thank you and that she hopes I’m doing good etc. I tired to make a little bit of conversation and she was giving pretty longish detailed answers but at the end not asking me any questions to elaborate the conversation so I the conversation after… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I think the most important things is to figure out what it was that made her walk away. Feelings of being unloved and fatigue from the relationship don’t tend to happen overnight and is usually a build up to it. Before you even decide if you want to win her back again or not, you should try to understand this, and also consider the likelihood no matter how small of whether she might have been unfaithful back at her hometown. At least this also helps you reach a decision on your approach and how not to make the same mistake again (if you had done so unknowingly).

Emerald
Emerald

he and his new gf has been dating for about 7 mnths. Is there a chance I can get back with him as they travelled a lot and they stick together like inseparables… is that called rebound anymore coz it has been 7 mnths they have been dating and that we broke up for 8 mnths.

A Person
A Person

I am no relationship expert but I would say that it’s not a rebound anymore unfortunately. I would suggest trying to move on as it will only cause you pain to hope and wait for a miracle to happen.
If for some reason they break up in the future and the stars align maybe you can try to give it a shot again but for now you should not even think about that and move on to new and better things.

Dylan Robles
Dylan Robles

My ex gf of 4 years left me out of the blue last week. She moved from San Diego to Seattle to stay with her aunt. She didn’t even tell me she was leaving. Not even a warning. She just left a note stating she still loves me but had to do what’s best for her right now. To focus on ourselves and our goals and we couldn’t hold each other back anymore. I love this girl with all my heart. We would always talk about marriage and kids etc. We even planned out our goals for this year one of then was moving in together. So it just confused me that she would leave all of a sudden. But before she left she was going through a lot of stress. She didn’t like her job, car broke down, living problems etc. So I think that played a part in her leaving. I think it all just overwhelmed her and she needed a break. But like I said it confused me because why wouldn’t she speak to me about it. Anyways this is our first legit breakup. Is there hope she will come back and work things out ? I’ve done lots of reading on Scorpio woman( my gf is a scorpio) and it said they disappear because they need alone time and space. I’m willing to give her the time and space but how long is too long of a wait ? I sent her an email the other day pretty much saying I respected her decision and I support her 100% and I will work on my self for now. And left it at that. She hasn’t responded but I wasn’t expecting one. Any advice on what I should do?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Probably continue on with your life and aiming for positive changes to any issues you personally may have had for now as there really isn’t much else you can do since Seattle is about a 3 hour flight away. If she left so suddenly, you could be right in saying that she needs some space for now and by pursuing after her, she feels more suffocated and feels more negative towards you.

Dylan Robles
Dylan Robles

That’s what I’m hoping. That she needs a breather. But I don’t know how long she is there for. My plan was to give her 2 months and wait for her to contact me . If She doesn’t try to. I was gonna book a flight and give it my last shot before I move on.

Anthony
Anthony

My ex and I were together for 4 years and half and worked in our small business together for 2 and half years. When we started the small business it added a lot of stress to the relationship. We would argue about things in the business that she wanted to do and I thought something else worked better. Our arguments would get heated. She would lock herself in a room and refuse to talk to me I would stand at the door trying to talk to her. She has picked up and left roughly 6 times since we had the business to go back to her dads house. Each time it was for a day we talked and she came back the next day and she says I manipulated her into staying. She has 10 different guys that flirt with her any given day on facebook and we’ve argued about it. I just want her to be open. She claims shes scared because of my temper. We would both call each other names in fights and try to hurt the other as much as possible. Last week I found a cell phone hidden between our mattress. The same guys are in her dm’s flirting and messages obviously deleted. I love her so much and before the business we were fine. The business began to fail we began to fall into debt and she resents me for it. We closed our business March 31st and I thought it was going to be a new opportunity for us to reconnect we’re both looking for jobs still. We haven’t been on gone out on a date together since summer of 2017 because we didn’t have the money. She thinks I her into starting the business and used her. She left me last thursday after I found the phone and questioned her on it. She blocked me on everything which was extremely painful. Being emotional I made a 2nd facebook to contact her during the anger stage and worked my way through anger and eventually into sadness then into acceptance just by talking to her. I’ve started NC today but shes already talking to other guys and going out. What can I do to show her I still love her and want her back. And how can I work on my manipulation/control and temper issues during arguments? She told me she needed space and I needed to work on myself. My last message to her I accepted her need for space explained I still loved and cared about her. Hoped that she would be happy. Explained that I was going to work on myself for the next couple months and that I hope she… Read more »

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

To be frank, you can’t. If the relationship has ended, you won’t have a say in the matter until you get back together with her since she’s free to do whatever she wants at this point. The best thing you can do right now is to actually spend this couple of weeks making the positive changes to your life as you had planned to. If the relationship with her was a meaningful one, she will take notice of these changes. Follow the guidelines found in our articles on steps to winning her back.

Anthony
Anthony

She still has things around the house. Paintings we use to paint together, toys for the dog that she didn’t take, clothes. Her dad is the owner of the building the small business is in and we use to live together in an apartment overtop of the business. Her dad still stops by once a week to check on the building. Do you think it’s wise to box up these things and send them back to her with her dad? She also got a new phone with a new number I don’t have access to and I’m blocked on facebook from messaging but not viewing her profile. I was thinking the best thing for me to do is box her belongings up with a picture of us she framed and the paintings we use to do together and including the elephant note in 3 weeks.

Scott
Scott

So I have read a few articles in here to get a game plan but due to certain things nothing has gone as the articles say. I really need some tailored advice to my situation ASAP because me and my girlfriend broke up April 13th and will be hanging out for the first first time april 22nd so I really need somebody advice on what to that day!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on whether the hangout is a mutually agreed upon one and whether she’s comfortable with it. Otherwise it would be advisable to go into NC as per our guidelines recommend.

Dan
Dan

My gf asked for time apart two weeks ago because she became anxious when seeing me because we argued so much. So I moved out and back home and she messaged me that night saying ‘I’m sad we can’t speak’ and I messaged back. The next few days she messaged me normally and then after about a week she said she didn’t know if she could be in the relationship anymore. I panicked and text her continuously that day. Two days later I went up and gave her flowers (which I haven’t done in ages) and she was very cold with me. I’ve since text her everyday, and I’ve pushed for an answer if we’d be ok and she ended it. She wants to remain in contact though, hasn’t changed her fb status, has photos up of me still up and says she still loves me very much but doesn’t like the relationship. So she knocks me back constantly if I imply anything about the relationship. We do disagree when texting and calling also still because I bring the relationship up. I feel like I pushed her away now from panicking. Any suggestions? Been with her 5 years. Only lived together 3 months. Arguing mostly because of my moods, lack of affection and arguing. I didn’t message her for one day and when I messaged the following day she said she missed me.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

She definitely still loves you but needs some space as well at this point because by panicking and constantly talking about the relationship, you might end up pushing her away due to the feeling of being suffocated. Definitely start working on how your mood affects the people around you as well to at least give her a reason to not walk away as well.

Jason
Jason

Hey so my girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t talked to her since which was hard but I’m doing it. However we go to the same school, so when I finish no contact and start stage 3, should I start to talk to her in school as well as text her?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps start by texting if you’re worried she may respond negatively towards you in public, and build up a level of comfort through there, but perhaps make small initiations as well in school.

Kris S.
Kris S.

I’ve restarted the NC with my ex and it’s only been a day and she text me today saying she has a interview tomorrow for a job in another city.. I don’t want her to go , however like Ryan said I acted like I supported her moving away when I really don’t.. I started the NC because she told me she doesn’t like me. It’s like she wants me around and then doesn’t at same time.. should I ignore her text that she has a job interview? Or should I say congrats and nothing else? be dry and short.. I figured if I ignore she would think I still don’t want her to leave and that’s why I ignored.. she doesn’t know I’m doing NC. she has been very wish washy lately.. I found out yesterday her ex sent her roses and she never mentioned it to me.. I told her she was a tease.. I went to her house last night to watch tv and she acted like she was getting ready to kiss me then walked off.. it’s like she is playing with me.. last night we talked and she said if she is offered the job (which I hope she’s not) she will be moving in 3 weeks! She was looking for apartments yesterday in another city.. we talked about it last night and I told her I supported her moving like you suggested.. then I asked about a long distance relationship with me.. at first she said she wanted to focus on her self and her new position but then when I asked again she said yes and would like to… girl doesn’t know what she wants and seems like she will start ignoring me when she’s moves.. fresh start as she calls it.. help Ryan I don’t want to loose her.. also she will be working in same office as the jerk that constantly flirts with her at work.. and I won’t be there if she goes.. what do I do to win her and keep her?!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If she really has made her mind up to go, depending on the her character and how she feels about you, there may not be much you can do to get her to stay. You could go along with a reply that wishes her all the best for the interview but cheekily add a hint that you’ll miss her if she goes, and see how she responds to it.

Additionally, you can have a read through this article regarding what to do if your ex may be moving away soon.

Jason
Jason

Hi my girlfriend broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago and so far I have not had any type of contact with her. However we go to the same school so when I start to re-establish contact with her in stage 3, should I continue to not talk to her in school?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You could start talking to her again in school once you’ve established a comfortable level of contact with her so that there is no awkwardness when talking face to face.

JoCo
JoCo

Hi, I hope this gets read in time. My girlfriend of 11 months asked for space. I was trying but got a bit needy and Space to turned to full break so she can feel free to think without the pressure of me wanting it to all be alright. NOW THE QUESTION. After saying she wants to breakup, she said she wanted us to be friends and run this Spartan Race with her as a friend. Told her I wasn’t sure I could. I waited a day and then told her yes, as friends. Now I’m doing no contact for 10 days until the race. I plan to play it cool at the race – be funny, light and impressive. But what happens after? Do I go back to no contact or start the text process? or skip to getting her out for a coffee date?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Typically, you would go back to no contact but if the meet up that takes place ends on a positive note, perhaps you could continue the conversation to see where it leads to, but any sign of negativity and you should go back to NC again.

JoCo
JoCo

I’m hearing that if it goes well, there’s no need for NC. Just know the old relationship is over and we are building a new one from scratch.

The question is if it goes well, do I make the next get-together coffee/beer for momentum (all fun, no relationship talk) or slow it back to texting to gain trust?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It depends on your current level of relationship with her and comfort levels. If you’re on talking and friendly terms still, then that would be possible but if the breakup had ended badly or there IS a need to build up trust first before asking her out, I suggest not to jumping the gun on the texting process.

JoCo
JoCo

Great website. The Five Step Plan! Here’s a Follow up for everyone (Since no one else does): We carpooled to the race (her suggestion), we ran, had a blast the after party. I went home and did not contact her. That night she sent me all the pics and video she took of us (even though she was at a party when she sent them). The next day she posted them all on her Facebook wall and tagged me. I’m lost from here. Do I do more NC (to show I’m no longer needy), go to slowly increasing text frequency or try to get together in two weeks or so?

debo0450
debo0450

Hi, I’ve read the 5 rules and it’s fantastic advice!….many thanks for posting it for free as well….my question relates to the NC rule and related time period…..considering my breakup is only a few days old …..here’s the story…….My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me after our first fight, we had both had a few drinks and i ended up checking a message she had received on her phone, my intentions were innocent enough in my mind but she didn’t see it like that, long story short I tried to get her to talk and wanted to apologize but she ended up organizing a friend of hers to pick her up from my place, I got angry and said something hurtful to her, felt instantly ashamed and then rushed her out, I let her be for a day then after trying to call her I texted my apology which I feel came across as sincerely as I meant it, later that day she texted me that she couldn’t get over the betrayel and that we were done, the text was scathing and attacked me quite personally so the anger was still fresh…..I didn’t bite back, instead I agreed with her and expressed my remorse for my actions….I think it was more about the way I acted afterwards that hurt her the most, she then went on to question the how and why of my actions and reactions for a while to which I replied as best I could…..I haven’t begged or pleaded I’ve simply told her how how much she means to me and that my hurtful comments were totally undeserved and that I understand and respect her decision to end things……what can I do from here? I’m really not ready to let this girl go…..there has been no contact since the breakup albeit only a few days ago, and we have remained Facebook friends if that means anything

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I would suggest giving her some space to cool down before trying to talk to her again. Since the breakup happened only a few days ago, it would be a better idea to give her a couple of weeks before dropping her the message.

Jake
Jake

Hey so my ex and I have been talking casually after a period of 1 month no contact. I initiate contact a majority of the time, its all positive a good amount of the time, sometimes it is kind of neutral. around 2 weeks ago i asked her to lunch and she said yes, and earlier this past week i called her and we had a pretty good conversation about our past relationship and how we both felt we leaned on each other too much and kind of lost ourselves. A day or 2 later, while talking she asked me to hang out… shes a shy and reserved person by character, she even admitted she was very nervous when we met for lunch. I feel like were moving in the right direction (ive been following some great advice on here). I just want to try to get her to open up more, and maybe initiate more contact without feeling nervous. I have tried to not over text her because i feel i was needy towards the end of our relationship.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear. It seems like you’re on the right path the way things are headed, and you’ll probably just have to continue to build a level of comfort with her so that she automatically starts to open up more. It might take some time but be patient.

Lazaro
Lazaro

So I applied the NC on my ex and today I sent her a message I don’t know like something told me to do so! And she replied I even asked her wyd and she said I’m going to the hospital and then eat with my cousin days before she will so “nothing” and then was time I have nothing else to say and she keep replying!! Then I told her I’m going to the gym and she said okay. Like I said other days she will just read it and not text back. And then she went off for 3 hours then reply me saying “sorry I was at the movies” she’s apologized for not texting me for 3 hours… and make her laugh and now I just said bye to her I’m going to sleep and she reply to! What does this mean ? Should I keep texting like nothing happened? Or should I stop ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

If you are only at the start of no contact period, I would suggest you to continue on with it but if most of it has been cleared, then you could continue with the conversations to see where they lead and if it’s possible to build up a level of comfort and friendship with her again. However, if she starts to reply negatively or coldly towards you, go back to NC again and don’t get emotional or overthink the situation.

Lazaro
Lazaro

So since that day till now we keep the conversation going… honestly I didn’t spect this because there was time we have nothing else to see but she keep replying. And I was at working busy I didn’t talk to her for hours and when I sent her a massage she reply at the minute! I thought it was going well but then Yesterday she post a picture with a guy she caption it as “is my bestie “ then while we were talking she told me she went to eat I guess rn his house because she said “my best friend’s mom maked it soo good and spicy” by the way I didn’t went crazy on her when I saw this picture or when she told me that instead I tell her positive stuffs! So I went offline again and like 2 hours later I told her I was busy at work and she said she was going bowling with his “friends” she said “friends” so I guess it was 2 or 3 but no instead if was this guy because later she post a video of this guy again
I don’t if she want get me jealous and go all crazy or she really starting a relationship with this guy and she just test me see if I go crazy!
And then she told me we going to get some pizza all I said is “that’s awesome, pizza are sooo good… remember to finished all your meals” she said okay
Then I told her her home safe
She said she will after that i reply “awesome. Ik you can take care of yourself”
Then she didn’t reply!
Now I’m here like thinking what should I do next ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps wait a couple of days before texting her again, and see if she texts you first in that duration. This person might genuinely be a good friend, or it might be something else, but either way getting jealous over it may result in bringing up insecurities and those emotions may show, resulting in her closing up to you. Continue with trying to build up the bond with her and perhaps even arrange for a meet up soon.

Joostieee
Joostieee

Hello, i have a question. What if I did no contact for 23 days and now I have to see my ex on a festival because we have mutual friends. How do I have to react to her? During the break up she said she still had feelings for me but it just didn’t work between us. In the meantime I really showed to the mutual friends I have improved in both my physical and emotional attraction.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It’s fine if you’re going to have to face her, but perhaps limit small one-to-one talk with her during the event itself. Be friendly but focus on your friends instead. Your presence could easily affect her depending on whether she still has feelings for you, and this would be a good opportunity to show off the changes you’ve made since the break up.

Constantin
Constantin

Hi! I am writing you, because i have a doubt and hope you will make light to me. I’ve begun de NC process and i realize that after a week is my ex birthtday and i don’t know what to do. should I tell her “Happy birthday!” not to be rude Or should i continue with the NC process? Do I have to take it all over again if i tell her “Happy b-day” ?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

You won’t have to restart NC if you decided to wish her, and it’s fine to wish her if you really want to but avoid continuing the conversation afterwards and keep it short.

Jamie
Jamie

Hello to everyone in the team. I took your suggestion of drafting a letter and want to show it to someone to ensure that I get the best possible response from my ex. Please could you respond and I shall send it via email? Thanks.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you could post the letter on our forum page, and the community could effectively give you feedback on it.

David
David

Hello,I’m in a situation I can’t even describe….My ex and I had been in a long distance relationship of 4.5 years.We really felt in a connection despite the fact that we both live really far from each other(Me in Asia and she in Europe).We had different religion from begin with but yet we still loved each other regarding that.We had fight many times like in every relationship but that never effect us that way.
Yesterday she just broke up with me saying she don’t love me like that anymore and can’t see a future of us being together.It really broke me as she just do that to us all of a sudden despite everything was going so well.I really don’t know what to do so I was just crying and begging in grieve but despite all that she just left.Blocking me from her facebook and everything.I have her phone number but I don’t intend to call her as she might block me from that too.I really want her back in my life.
I don’t know how long I should keep NC with her.What am I supposed to do then.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Hi David, not to sound negative but if there was no particular reason and she broke things off with you all of a sudden without any major incident, it could mean that she genuinely lost interest because of the distance, or might even have another person in her life. Regardless, if you still want to give it a shot, I suggest waiting around 2-3 weeks before contacting her again. However, if she still does not respond positively or hasn’t unblocked you, I strongly recommend you considering the idea of moving on.

Bruh
Bruh

On the night of April 1st, my girlfriend of 2 months told me that her interest level in me has been going back and forth, so she wanted to break up. This girl is beyond everything I wanted in a relationship; she is somebody I think is too good to be true. I did everything I could to get her attention since May 2017 and we finally started dating in Jan. I am not about to give up on us.
That night I told her how much I valued her, and she decided that we should take a break and she will contact me when she has made her decision.
I have been improving myself since then. I’ve lost a few pounds and I changed my hair style. Any other advice?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Perhaps you could also make these changes more visible to her, through the use of social media to highlight the positive changes you’ve made known and to increase her awareness towards you.

Kris
Kris

So I was with my ex for about 5 months and 2 weeks. She is a single mom and we both agreed that we would take it slow and not bring her daughter into the mix for a few months. About 4 months into it I finally met her daughter because I felt we both were at a point in the relationship where I saw a future together. She has been very adamant about wanting another kid or two somewhere down the line. The thought of having a kid has always been something that has scared me. Deep down I want it but I still get nervous when talking about it. It’s not something I take lightly and I told her that I might want them someday but I’m unsure. Anyways fast forward to roughly a month ago, me and her took her daughter to an amusement park for the day and had a lot of fun. That is until a certain point when my ex just looked distant and/or upset and said she didn’t feel well and wanted to go home. It wasn’t until a few days later that she told me she needed to break up with me because she needed to be single, that she isn’t going to be dating anyone soon, and that she still wanted to be friends since we were both pretty much each other’s best friends. I did tell her that I don’t think I could be “just” friends with her though. The break up conversation only lasted a short time and even though I told her I understand and wished her the best I was absolutely devastated. It seemingly came out of nowhere and I never really got a chance to ask her what it was really about. In the past my breakups have been horrible, like the lashing out creepy stalker shit but this time I honestly am not mad at her and just want her to be happy. But I also want her back. I have been doing NC for about 2.5 weeks now and finally my head is clear enough to get out of bed and try and focus on improving myself. I think part of the reason we broke up was because I had kind of let myself go physically and my insecurity about my body started coming out. I have been exercising and eating better since. But part of me really wants to talk to her to find out what went wrong and what the actual reason for us breaking up was. I don’t know if that would be something we talk about after the NC period or just forget about it completely and start over.

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It could be something you address down the lines after NC is over, but first establish a friendly relationship with her before moving onto such a heavy topic. Bear in mind as well, that by bringing it up, you risk reminding her of why she broke up with you which may potentially push her away if she’s the sort to get emotionally affected by the past.

Kris
Kris

Thanks for the reply. We had many healthy conversations over issues in the past about each other’s past but I suppose this topic might be different. I’m starting to get to a good place mentally. When I think about her now I smile instead of cry even though I miss her greatly and I’m trying to not get my hopes up and pre-accept that she doesn’t want to get back together just in case.

Dave
Dave

Me and my ex split up 2 weeks ago after 2 years. I definitely want her back, and for the right reasons. She did it via email which is fine cause we would actually email a lot. About a month or so ago she said she’d needed a little space temporarily, and I didn’t really do that (which I realize now made me seem desperate/selfish) so she was upset in her breakup email. “I didn’t care about what she was asking for;she waited for me to show her how marvelous our life would be together, she didn’t think I was right for her, she’ll always love me…” The next night she sent a short, much nicer email telling me she prays I’m doing well and she “definitely doesn’t laugh as much,” not being around me. I sent a long email a couple days later. I guess my question is does it seem like I could get her back? I’m in no contact right now for about a month. Does that sound right? I’m receiving the emails from Kevin already but thought I’d see if this helps too. Thanks

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

It seems like you’re on the right path, and you definitely have a chance as long as you show her the changes that she needs to feel happy/secure in the relationship again.

Jon doe
Jon doe

Hello, I’m in a predicament… Soo I was with the coolest girl for 9 months but I was afraid to commit. Because I had gone in with wanting to take it slow and find the perfect girl for me. She just didn’t seem that motivated to do the best she can in life (best being a very broad term) so I feel I had held back from commuting due to not seeing what I wanted in a lifetime commitment. So I not purposely pushed her emotions aside because she was deeply in love with me and I did not see it the same… Soo now she dumped and wants to move on but I think that I would be making a big mistake if I let her go… Obviosly communication needs to be worked on, and so does my issues . I read the whole article,but is their any different advice you would give, I honestly think I just need to work on showing and talking about what I am thinking instead of locking them away, any advice would be great… Side note it happened 2 weeks ago we did have sex like 4 days after and well was good that night but next day she wanted to not talk again… Soo obviously I sent a few sorry texts out but I have refrained the past few days..

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

Before you officially begin with no contact, was your ex fully aware of how you felt regarding the entire situation? Or did she regard it as you simply not being able to commit because you didn’t feel strongly enough for her? I suggest making your intentions and thoughts clear, since this contributes to a healthy communication system. If she is fully aware and is still giving you the cold shoulder, then you should start on NC to give her some space to cool off and let go of any negative emotions she feels towards you.

Jon doe
Jon doe

I think that she thought I honestly did not care enough… I mean she barely makes enough to get by and I did soo much for her besides physically paying her bills. She is a strong independent women and I know I shouldn’t try and change who she is I just don’t wanna see her struggle, and when she never followed through on anything to help herself I just thought would she eventually drag me down.. But our communication was 0. And toward the end I felt her distancing herself she even told me so because she thought I would just leave one day… But I’m loyal. I just want her to know that I would commit fully if she just maybe showed me something… But she said she wanted some space so I thought I should give it too her, maybe this weekend text her , cause I do have a few things at her place I will want back if I don’t see her again (no not gifts ha)… I also don’t want to hurt her because she has been hurt in the past and she is an awesome perso!

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s good to hear. It sounds like a good plan to schedule that meet up to at least pick your stuff up, and perhaps have the opportunity to express yourself once more, and to see if both parties can finally communicate their thoughts properly in order to work something out. If not, NC would probably be your next best solution short of walking away from everything.

Jon doe
Jon doe

Well I don’t think the no contact worked in this one because she said she ran in to her ex… But my persistence actually paid off,and showed I did care…. Maybe tmi but I think I got her back but not 100%sure yet… But we did just do it 3 times today?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

That’s great to hear. Now continue to build up a positive relationship with her, and do not let any negative emotions or insecurities get in the way of your actions.

Osiris
Osiris

Me and my ex were in a short relationship of 3 months. I’m still confused if a month of no contact is the way to go, or should it be shorter?

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

For your case, since the relationship was not for a long period, you could reduce NC to around 2 weeks before contacting your ex again.

Breezy s
Breezy s

Want to talk with you personally is it possible…

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

We do provide personal one-to-one coaching with Kevin at a subscription rate if you’re interested.

Benji
Benji

I cheated on my ex girlfriend a dee months ago and weve been in moderate contact ever since. Shes started to date this guy but I just started to not contact her yesterday. Since then ive asked her to stop contacting me but shes now telling me she is going to kill herself because of how she has no real friends and how she knows her new boyfriend will cheat on her and how she misses me a lot but she says she will feel wrong if she hangs out with me or something and she is complaining about how horrible her life is right now and how she lnows im the only one that can make her feel better. She’s trying to get me to admit I l love her but im trying to stay firm and not give into her. She said shes about to block me because she is going to kill herself because she thinks I don’t care about her anymore from trying to avoid talking to her. Im not sure what to do she thinks I don’t care about her anymore and I want her gone

Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team
Ryan - Ex Back Permanently Team

I’m not entirely certain on what you’re asking advice for. Is your intention towards winning her back or that you don’t want anything to do with her?

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