How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back By Leveling Up

Let’s face it – You put your ex-girlfriend on a pedestal.

That’s what men like us do when we love someone deeply. We ignore all the red flags, and put her on a pedestal. Because we believe those red flags are not her fault. It’s the circumstances, her toxic family, her toxic ex, her toxic friends and everyone else.

And when there is no one else to blame, we blame ourselves. If we were stronger, wiser, calmer. If we said the right words when she was spiraling out of control, if we had shown maturity, if we didn’t react and just acted cool, if we paid her more attention, if we didn’t take her for granted and put in more effort.

One of my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive. And I still put her on a pedestal. I put her on a pedestal even after I broke up with her due to things she did that were irreconcilable. For a long time, I blamed her family and circumstances for the way she was.

But here’s the thing – my wife also had a tough childhood. She changed my view. There was never any abuse from her. She owns up to her mistakes and shortcomings, and tries to be a better person. Unlike my ex, she deserves to be put on a pedestal and treated like a queen. To be fair, she puts me on a pedestal and has raised my self-worth so much that I feel worthy of the love she gives me. 

Guess what? When both of us are on a pedestal, we are on the same level. We can see each other for who we both are. Humans with faults and imperfections. And we still choose to love and cherish each other every day.

That’s really the core insight I want you to take away from this. Your girlfriend should make you feel worthy of love. You and your girlfriend should see each other’s imperfections and still choose to love each other and be with each other. 

That is what a deep intimate relationship feels like. And that’s what you should strive to have with your ex or any of your future girlfriends. 

Your girlfriend probably left you because she didn’t feel seen or heard on the same level she needed to be seen or heard. Hence she never felt that deep intimate connection. 

Maybe she loved you, cared about you or even respected you. And maybe she deserves everything good in this world and to be treated like a queen. But if you put her on a pedestal, the connection wasn’t as deep and real as it could have been.

Imagine her standing on a pedestal. And you can see the awkwardness of her having to look down on you while you are looking up – unable to fully see and appreciate each other for who you both are.

If you want to treat her like a queen, you need to be treated like a king as well.

Which means to get her back – you need to be on the same level. If you loved her deeply, then it’s going to be hard to bring her down from that pedestal. The only other option is to raise your level so you can see her in the eyes without having to look up.

In other words – you need to level up.

And here’s how you do that after a breakup.

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The 5 Steps To Win Her Back and Keep Her

• Step 1: Back Off and Let Her Be
• Step 2: Level Up as a Man
• Step 3: Reconnect With Her
• Step 4: Reconnect with Her on a Deeper Emotional Level
• Step 5: Ask Her To Get Back Together if She is the Right Girl For You

Step 1: Back off and Let Her Be

In simple words, let your ex be. Let her do whatever she wants to do. Stop trying to control her. Stop trying to convince her not to break up with you. Stop putting your neediness and desperation on display for her and all her friends to see.

Listen!

I know rejection hurts. And it feels like nothing you can do will hurt more than the pain of losing her.

But begging/pleading and then getting rejected again IS going to hurt even more.

If you’ve tried it, then you know what I am talking about. Every time you make a plan in your head on what you need to do to convince her, it fails and it hurts.

It’s like stepping on the same nail over and over again. You are just deepening the wound and the sooner you stop, the sooner you can start healing.

What is it that we commonly do after a breakup?

We try to stop the breakup. It can be so hard to accept that this happened. And because of that, the panicked mind comes up with these tactics in a foolishly optimistic attempt.

You hope that it’s only temporary. That she will change her mind any day. She just needs to see you can change. She just needs to see how miserable you are without her. 

You tell yourself that you just need to keep reminding her of you. You just need to keep showing her that you are there for her. That you will always support her when she needs you. Surely, she will see that you love her more than anyone else can love her?

When she goes out with her friends at night, you completely lose it. You stay up all night imagining other guys chatting her up. You blow up her phone with a hundred missed calls and hundreds of texts. If she picks up the phone, you beg her to not do this to you.

But none of that works. Here’s why –

What does she interpret these needy actions as?

If the breakup recently happened, then anything you do will look like a desperate attempt to win her back. In most cases, even a simple text saying “Hi, thinking of you.” will be met with an eyeroll.

Because she knows you are thinking of her. She knows you love her and want to be with her. But she still wants to break up. She will feel you are just saying that to remind her that you care about her. Something she doesn’t want to be reminded of because she made a decision to end the relationship.

Any attempts you make to be nice will just be seen as manipulative. She will think you are being nice just to win her back.

Any convincing you do will also be met with skepticism. After all, if you could change, why didn’t you do it earlier? You are just saying it now because you are afraid of losing her. Why should she believe you and waste her time when you have SHOWN no change. JUST TALK.

And any begging you do will just look weak and pathetic.

In essence, anything you try to get her back immediately after a breakup will be seen as either a manipulative attempt by a dishonest man, or a desperate attempt by a weak man.

Why is she suddenly so cold?

There are a few theories about this and these theories may not apply to every situation. Let’s go over them quickly.

For some exes, they have been thinking about the breakup for a while. So when the breakup finally happens, they have already pretty much accepted it. It’s not a shock for them the way it is for you.

For others, it feels like a relief and there is a dopamine rush. You finally get something you have wanted for a long time. It’s like prebooking an iphone months in advance and then finally getting it. You will be pretty upbeat about it for a while. And if someone tells you to return the iphone or that it’s a waste of money, you will just see them as killjoy and try to avoid them.

And most commonly, human beings have a built in psychological process that wants us to remain consistent with any important decisions we make. We even change our beliefs to match the decisions we make. (It’s called cognitive dissonance if you are curious)

So anytime you try to change your ex’s mind, she just feels you are dragging her back to an unhappy relationship or trying to change her decision. Which can lead to her acting cold or heartless.

It will feel like she has a huge defensive wall that is impossible to penetrate. And that wall is mostly her need to be consistent with the decision she has made.

And the more you try to penetrate that wall, the more reasons you are giving her to stick to her decisions. She won’t be able to doubt her decision and truly miss you until she can truly experience the breakup.

Know that even if she seems cold and heartless right now, it doesn’t mean she never loved you or that she doesn’t care about you. More on that below.

What should you do instead?

Like I said, let her be. Let her have the breakup and focus on yourself. This is not the time to try to win her back. This is the time to back off and reassess. And you do that by doing something called the no contact rule.

What is the no contact rule?

It’s essentially a rule you set for yourself to stop contact with her for a while. You keep the contact to a nil or a minimum until you feel you have emotionally and mentally built yourself enough to reconnect with her.

So you tell yourself that you don’t do the following – 

Any Direct Contact With Her

• No Text
• No Calls
• No Emails
• No visiting places she may visit.
• No likes or comments on social media posts etc.

For Most cases, these additional steps also help remove any information about her reaching you.

• Don’t go to her social media profile.
• Don’t discuss her life with mutual friends.
• Don’t try to find out what she is doing through friends, family or social media.
• If she calls, set clear boundaries and tell her that you need some space and time.

How long should I do the no contact rule?

If you need a number, go for at least 45 days. But it should ideally continue until you have confidence and clarity. Confident that you are a better version of yourself. 

Someone who has leveled up enough to be able to see your ex on the same level as you.

And clarity that your ex is worth pursuing. That a relationship with her has potential to become a healthy relationship that would stand the test of life.

I’ve found that it’s easier to convince yourself to do no contact for a limited period of time than it is to convince yourself to do it permanently or for a long period of time.

So if doing no contact feels too scary do it in chunks. Tell yourself you only have to do it for at least two weeks. After two weeks, reassess if you are ready to contact your ex or you should continue for another two weeks.

You ex girlfriend gets to experience what she asked for – A breakup

In essence, she gets to experience a life without you being there for her. She gets to know what it feels like to not have you as a backup. 

If you have been acting needy or desperate, she may have been taking your love for granted. And as a result, she doesn’t see the value in it.

A lot of people only see the value in it once they realize they have lost it. And if you do the no contact rule, she will eventually start realizing that she can lose you as well.

Note that just because it happens doesn’t mean she will come crawling back asking for forgiveness. While that may happen in some cases, fear is not always the best motivator behind reconciliation.

So even if she does come crawling back, don’t jump back into another relationship. Take things slow and build strong foundations of a new relationship. 

Let me explain this from another angle –

Remember how I explained she needs to be consistent with her decision of the breakup? And any attempts by you are thwarted by this huge defensive wall?

When she truly experiences the breakup, she will feel her decision has been fulfilled. The breakup has already taken place. You are not trying to stop it. And as a result, she won’t feel the need to defend a decision that no one is trying to change.

She will go from being defensive to actually thinking whether or not it was the right decision.

How does the no contact rule affect you?

It’s going to suck in the beginning. But soon, you are going to feel control in your life again. You should start feeling better after a week or two if you stick to strict no contact. You should be able to go about your life and do the things you need to do to move forward.

The important thing is to stop stamping your feet on the same nail again and again. Once the wound has healed, you will be able to walk again slowly and before you know it, you will be running a triathlon.

What if she reaches out during the no contact period?

Things get tricky because on the one hand, you want to prioritize your healing and growth. Staying in touch with her can set you back. But if you ignore her, you may send her the wrong message that you don’t care for her.

So if she reaches out, just speak to her. Be friendly, but don’t share anything about yourself. Don’t turn it into a long ass conversation about your feelings, your life and your desire to win her back. Share very little if you need to. But be mature about it.

Remember, any hint you give her about how much you care for her is only going to give her the comfort of having you as a backup. Or even worse – a placeholder while she searches for another boyfriend.

Don’t be a backup for her.

And if it gets too confusing or emotional for you, consider telling her that you need some space and time before you can speak to her.

Remember, there is no shame in admitting you are hurt as long as you don’t turn it into needy/desperate behavior. Strong men get hurt too. They just don’t use it as an excuse to manipulate or become desperate.

What if she starts dating someone else while you are doing no contact?

It’s going to suck if she does. It’s going to sting. You may get angry. And then you may panic that you will lose her forever. But, a few things to note – 

1. Her dating someone else isn’t about you. It’s about her. She felt she needed to do it. Maybe because she is young and wants to explore. Or perhaps the pain of the breakup was too much for her and wanted a distraction. Don’t take it personally. It’s probably something called a rebound relationship and it will most likely end soon. It can be argued that a rebound relationship is unhealthy and stops people from truly moving on. So it may even be an advantage.
2. It’s normal to think that it’s disrespectful of her to date someone else so soon after the breakup. But different people have different needs. If you feel hurt or disrespected, it’s normal. But try to remind yourself that she isn’t doing anything wrong if the breakup already happened.

You must heal, feel your emotions, and keep moving forward

You lost someone you truly love and wanted to be with. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Breakup Grief is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you will feel like crap and sometimes you will feel much better about yourself.

The key is to let yourself feel the emotions and still keep working on yourself. If you feel like crying, let it out. If you feel anger, shout out loud.

But remember to always balance it out and always keep in mind that you need to become a better version of yourself if you want her back. And remember to keep giving her space and not let your emotions turn you into needy/desperate/toxic actions.

One of the most attractive qualities in men is emotional intelligence, which is largely about being able to acknowledge your emotions without acting on them mindlessly. It involves separating your thoughts from your emotions. A breakup is an excellent opportunity to practice this skill.

Occasionally, you must pick yourself up and realize that there is much more to life than relationships and breakup.

You must remind yourself that life will keep throwing challenges at you. You must learn to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

You need to keep moving forward. Here’s a video I recommend you watch when you are feeling down.

This might be a lonely time for you. But know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If life was a video game, this is what it would look like. Scary in the beginning, but as you go through it, it will get much easier.

Step 2: Level Up as a Man

When I say level up, I simply mean that you become a better version of yourself. You don’t try to change who you are at your core. You don’t need to become a playboy who dates the hottest girls in town just so he can boast about it to his gymbros. You don’t need to become the buffiest guy on the beach. And you don’t need to become the richest person in the world.

Your ex girlfriend was once attracted to you and wanted to be with you because of who you are. So you already have that validation. You are already attractive. You just need to be a better version of yourself.

To be more precise, you need to be someone with more emotional intelligence, more confidence, and a good communicator.

To be even more precise, you need to understand the deep issues that caused the breakup and face them head on.

2.1 Figure Out What Caused The Breakup

After you’ve calmed down and started no contact, you should start thinking about what caused the breakup.

I don’t want you to think about what your ex girlfriend told you at the time of breaking up with you. She might have used one of those bogus generic lines like

“It’s not you, it’s me”.

“I am just not in love with you anymore.”

“I think of us as more like friends”

“I just don’t see a future with you.”

What she told you may not be the real reason for the breakup. She may have told you how she felt, but in most cases, she will not realize why she felt the way she did.

For example, she may have told you that she just doesn’t love you anymore, but what do you think caused her to stop loving you?

I am going to try to list out some of the most common reasons here that you may be able to relate to.

Reason 1: She Does Not Feel Attracted to You Anymore

This will be the case for most of the guys reading this article. When a girl stops feeling attracted to you or she loses feelings for you, she may say something like

“I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”

“I just don’t feel the same way about you anymore.”

“It’s not you, It’s me.”

Here are a few examples of when a girl loses attraction for you.

• You always showered her with affection.
• You gave her whatever she wanted.
• You were needy, insecure, controlling, jealous or manipulative

In most cases, if your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you towards the end of your relationship, it was because you were needy, insecure and were not confident.

If you feel she broke up with you out of nowhere, then there is a good chance it’s because of this reason.

In fact, all the three reasons mentioned above are a direct result of insecurity. And if you want to get a girl back after a breakup, you should get rid of this insecurity that pushed her away in the first place.

Showing too Much Affection

In most cases, when you show your girlfriend too much affection, it’s not coming out of the love you have for her. It’s coming out of your fear of losing her and being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, you should show affection to your girlfriend. If you love her, it’s only natural that you show it to her. For me, there is nothing more joyful than making my girlfriend happy and laugh with joy.

But most guys (who end up being dumped) are not genuine in showing affection. If you are showing affection just because you want something in return (sex, appreciation, acceptance, end an argument without resolving it), it’s going to come off as insincere.

And slowly, she is going to realize that you are not doing it because you mean it. But because you sub consciously want something in return. And if she starts feeling like that, every time you show her affection, it’s going to make her a little bit less attracted towards you. Every time you say something sweet to her, it’s going to make her feel like you want something in return.

A lot of times, your girlfriend won’t even realize this is happening. She will slowly feel like she doesn’t feel the same way about you and breakup with you.

You Gave her Whatever She Wanted

Again, giving your ex-girlfriend what she wants is not really a deal breaker. It’s your intention behind giving her what she wants that matters.

For example, suppose you are having an argument about you always trying to control her. And instead of trying to understand her, you go out and buy her a necklace that she wanted for a while.

She is excited and forgets about the argument.

Win win, right?

Wrong. You avoided a serious issue in the relationship. You avoided a serious issue in yourself. And that festered inside her.

If you want to give a gift to your girlfriend, do it out of love. Don’t do it because you expect something in return.

Guys who are insecure, controlling and secretly manipulative usually try to control the situation by giving their girlfriend something and hoping to get something in return.

This creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship and their girlfriends end up losing attraction for them.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Control and Manipulation

Like I said in the above two scenarios. Insecurity, jealousy, control and manipulation are present in almost every unhealthy relationship. If your ex girlfriend didn’t feel attracted to you by the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance you exhibited these traits in the relationship.

As you are going through this stage, I want you to think back and figure out when you did something for your ex girlfriend that had an ulterior motive behind it.

• Did you buy her gifts because you were afraid she was going to leave you?
• Did you avoid a serious issue by showering her with affection?
• Did you act controlling because you were afraid she will fall for some other guy?
• Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?

If you are just reading this article a few days after your breakup, it might be a bit too much for you to think all this through right now. If you find it hard to think this through, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it at later when you have calmed down and can think rationally.

How to Make Your Ex Girlfriend Want You Back After The Breakup If She Is No Longer Attracted To You?

You can make your ex girlfriend attracted to you again easily once you learn how to fix the deep rooted insecurity that pushed her away.

Once she realizes that you are no longer insecure and that you have become a much more confident and authentic guy, she will find herself wanting you back more than she ever did before.

That’s because you will be someone who is familiar, yet different, in a good way. You will be the same person she fell in love with, minus all the qualities that pushed her away.

Again, the only way to achieve this is to fix the deep rooted insecurity that was causing you to do things that were needy, manipulative and controlling.

Once you’ve fixed that, you need to show her these changes slowly and steadily as we will talk about in the next two steps of this article. If everything goes well, your ex girlfriend will want you back and will respect you more than ever.

Reason 2: She Does NOT See a Future with You

Your ex may still find you attractive, but she may have broken up with you because she doesn’t see a future with you. A lot of times, a woman will breakup with her boyfriend or husband because if she just cannot see it working long term.

Women (and people in general) need to have security in a relationship. She needs to know that you will be there for her whenever she needs you. She needs to know that she can trust you to help her when the tough times come. She needs to know that you care about her, about the relationship and about your future.

If she broke up with you because she doesn’t see a future with you, one of the following may be the reason.

a) You Became Complacent and Neglected The Relationship: Maybe you neglected her and the relationship for too long. Maybe you didn’t take her out on dates, didn’t show her how much you love and appreciated her. Or maybe you just ignored her needs and didn’t put any effort into keeping the spark alive. You never nurtured or cared for the relationship until it was too late.

b) She Wants a Future that You are Not Sure Of (Or You Can’t Provide): Your ex may want something in her future that she just doesn’t see you giving her. For example, she may want to eventually get married and buy a house with her boyfriend. She may have talked to you about it many times. She may have given you hints or she may have told you straight away that she expects you to propose. Lack of interest or inaction from you may have led her to think that you are just not interested in the things she wants. As a result, she decided to break up with you.

c) You Just Couldn’t Communicate with Each Other: Communication is an extremely important skill that is sadly not taught to us in school. In a lot of relationships that end, the core reason for the breakup can be boiled down to lack of proper communication. If you and your ex constantly argued, or you constantly misunderstood each other, then there is a good chance your girlfriend left you because of this. She may still be attracted to you, but she just can’t see herself being with someone long term who does not understand her.

d) Your Life is a Mess: This one is quite obvious. If your life is a mess, she probably will not see a future with you unless she is sure you can fix your life. Maybe she tried to help you fix your life but she realized that it’s not worth it and decided to end the relationship.

e) You Cheated or Hurt Her Badly in Some Way: Some guys reading this page might have done something that hurt their ex-girlfriend terribly. You may have cheated on her, or hurt her in some way that broke her trust in you. And as long as she feels she can’t trust you again, she won’t see a future with you …. no matter how much she loves you.

How to Get Back Together With Your Ex-Girlfriend If She Doesn’t See a Future With You?

Don’t just say that you will change. Show her.

You need to show her that you understand what caused the issues and you can fix that.

For example, if you neglected her, you need to first understand why you neglected her and fix that. If you were arguing all the time, you need to first learn how to communicate better.

If you cheated on her, you need to understand why you cheated and work on that. (Read: How To Get Your Ex Back After Cheating)

So, work on understanding yourself and fix the core issues that lead to the behaviors that pushed your ex away.

If you have some serious issues, getting therapy or joining a support group (sex addicts, alcohol anonymous, anger management etc.) is a great start.

Once you have a good handle on what went wrong and how to fix it, you should reach out to her as explained in the next step of this article. From then on, slowly rebuild a connection with her and show her how you have changed.

Whenever these issues come up, be ready to talk about them. Show leadership and maturity by tackling these issues head on and talking about how you can fix them if you were to get back together in the future.

Reason 3: She Broke Up Because of Circumstances

A lot of times, your ex will breakup with you because of no fault of your own. But because of the circumstances. Here are a few examples of this.

Long Distance Relationships

Long distance relationships are a tough one. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up because of long distance, then you are in for an uphill battle.

Long Distance often causes a couple to lose attraction, lose connection or betray of trust. If you and your ex girlfriend broke up due to long distance, it’s probably because she either stopped feeling attracted to you or because she doesn’t see a future with you.

If that’s the case, refer to the points above to figure out the reasons for the breakup.

Because of Influence of Others

A lot of times, your girlfriend will break up with you because of influence of other people. It could be family members or friends. They may have convinced her that you are a bad boyfriend or they may just be outright against her being in a relationship with you .

If this is you, then you must understand that your ex only listened to other people because she felt you didn’t truly understand her. In most cases, this happens because you neglected her for too long and she decided to confide in others.

The best course here is to still follow the plan. This time, focus on communicating with her properly and truly listening to her whenever she opens up to you. I recommend you pay special attention to the objective about learning relationship skills below.

Everything I have written in this section should give you a good idea of what caused the breakup. This part is very important because not only understanding the breakup will help you in getting your ex back, it will also help tremendously in healing from the breakup and learning from it.

A study conducted by Joseph P. Allen, who is a professor of psychology in the University of Virginia, and Jessica Kansky, showed that people who understand the reason for the breakup healed much quicker and more effectively than those who didn’t. Moreover, learning from the breakup also correlated with having better future relationships.

If you don’t learn from the breakup, your future relationships will most likely end the same way this one did. With your heart broken and your head spinning in confusion.

Be Patient When You are Analyzing Your Breakup

Be patient with yourself as you are thinking about the reason for the breakup. Don’t over-analyze or ruminate over the past constantly. As time goes by, your thinking will get clearer and you will get better perspective on the breakup and the reasons it happened.

If you are still confused after 2-3 weeks of the breakup, consider getting therapy or contact one of our coaches to get some outside perspective.

Recommended Reading – I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex – Strategies To Understand and Stop

2.2 Figure Out If She Is Worth Getting Back

If you are reading this article immediately after a breakup, your response might be,

“Of course, she is worth getting back. I love her, and she is one in a million.”

But you are seeing her through the rose colored lenses of post breakup denial. This is why I have included this task in stage 2 of this mission.

Once you have accepted the breakup and have gone through grief after a breakup, you will need to figure out whether she is worth it. Read below for some actionable tips about this.

Recommended Reading: Should I Get Back With My Ex?

2.3 Become A Better Version of Yourself

When you get back together with her, you want your new relationship to be better than ever. Because YOU are going to be a better version of yourself.

The strategies below also work in helping gain control of your emotions after a breakup. They work in Tandem with first step of this article.

a) Become More Confident

Being confident is the number one quality that will make your ex girlfriend, ex wife, or ex fiance want you back. However, confidence isn’t something that can be built in a day.

In fact, the insecurity that pushed your ex away and caused her to break up with you is the result of years of negative feedback you received from the world and yourself.

You can’t just undo all that in a day. And if you fake it, she will eventually see through it and start thinking of you as manipulative.

Thankfully, you have enough time to work on your confidence during the no contact period.

In addition, I talk a lot about how to effectively rebuild your confidence to maximize your chances of getting your ex back in our advanced course.

b) Learn Relationship Skills and Tools to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

This is very important if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you because she felt neglected. Or if you both argued constantly and could never come to a reasonable conclusion.

One of the most important relationship skills you can learn is proper communication. If you can be a pro at handling conflict with your girlfriend, each fight you have will bring you closer together.

If you learn to empathize and understand her on a deep level, the connection she will feel with you will be unparalleled.

So, work on these two skills as they are very important in making her want you back and stay with you forever. The best way to start is by reading the Better Communications Course that comes with our Advanced Program. Check it out here.

A study done by Ty Tashiro, PhD, and best selling author of “The Science of Happily Ever After” and Patricia A. Frazier, Ph.D., a distinguished professor in Department of Psychology, University of Minnesota, showed that both the dumper and the dumpee report personal growth after a breakup, but women usually report more growth than men. According to the authors of the study, the following could be the reason for this.

“One possibility is that women are able to forecast the decline of the relationship earlier (Hill,Rubin, & Peplau, 1976) and therefore are able to begin making positive changes in preparation for the separation, such as establishing supportive social networks outside of the romantic relationship.”

What this means is that even though your ex was the one who broke up with you, there is a good chance she has already embarked on a journey of personal growth. And you should too.

Hopefully, when you both start talking again after the no contact period, you will both have grown, learned from your mistakes and be a better person. If you both end up getting back together, the new relationship will be something amazing because you have both become a better person and learned from your mistakes.

c) Become More Attractive Physically

This objective is optional for one very simple reason. Your ex girlfriend was physically attracted to you at one point of time. So, she will be attracted to you again.

Working on your physical appearance does have a few advantages though.

• You will feel more confident.
• Getting a fresh look will give the impression that you are a new person.
• Working out will release endorphins that will make you feel happier.

d) Become More Socially Attractive

This is again an optional objective because it’s not necessary to win your ex-girlfriend back permanently. But it sure helps.

Being socially active helps you regain your confidence and realize that your ex isn’t the only person in the world for you. If you spend time with your friends and other girls, you will feel better about yourself and realize other girls are interested in you as well.

e) Become More Mindful and Increase Your Awareness Level

Your awareness level is the most underrated skill. Most people don’t spend any time working on it and developing it (video game lingo: spend XP points on it). But it can have a huge effect on your happiness, your confidence, your well-being and your relationships.

Studies have shown that meditation can help tremendously in reducing anxiety and increase your awareness level.

Needless to say, it helps you become a better version of yourself and will increase your chances of getting your ex girlfriend back.

f) Work on Your Life Goals or a Passion

Having life goals and a passion is not only attractive to girls, it’s also a huge confidence booster and therapeutic. If you are working on something you care about, your mind will focus on only that and you will forget about everything else.

Moreover, working on things that you care about will give you something to speak with your ex when you end no contact.

Guys who are passionate about things other than their girlfriends are instantly seen as more confident and less insecure.

What To Do If You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex?

As long as you are making progress in your life and self-improvement, it’s okay to think about your ex-girlfriend. Some guys think about their ex-girlfriend for hours every day. But the obsessive thinking and ruminating reduces with time and eventually stop.

So keep focusing on doing the work needed to heal from the breakup and become a better version of yourself.

Recommended Reading: I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex and How To Stop

Seek Professional Help If Needed

It’s important to note that all this may just feel overwhelming for a lot of people. For some men, the anxiety after the breakup is overbearing. And for some, they just can’t stop thinking about their ex. If the breakup feels overwhelming, then you should seek help from a mental health professional in your area. A qualified therapist can help you a lot in processing this breakup and dealing with the overwhelming emotions.

3. Contact Your Ex In a Way That Makes Her Want To Talk To You Again – Facing Your Ex’s Resistance

The objectives of this step are pretty straight forward. Get Her to speak to you again normally. Get her to smile or laugh at something you said at least once.

This stage is called the dragon of resistance because there is a big resistance which is guarding her from opening up to you and giving you a chance to rebuild attraction. She wants to stay consistent to her decision and is probably skeptical of everything you do.

The resistance she has is based on the following assumptions.

• My ex will try to manipulate me and do anything just to get me back.
• He will try to act casual even if he is miserable inside.
• He will try to get me to meet with him so he can beg or plead.
• He has not really changed and neither have I, and if I get back with him, things will go back to the way they were.

These are all very valid reasons to not speak to you. In fact, if any of that is true, I would not advise your ex gf to reply to you if you contacted her.

But hopefully, we have taken care of this in the first two steps of getting her back. By now, you are a better version of yourself. You are more confident and you are sure that things will be different when you get back together with your ex girlfriend.

In this stage, your goal is just to address the first three assumptions that your ex-girlfriend has. You can show her how things will be different later when you are speaking to each other regularly.

It’s very important that you do this correctly. If you mess up here, your ex girlfriend will put up her defenses instantly and you will have to do no contact again for a month or two before trying again.

Here’s how to do that.

3.1 Get Her to Speak to you Normally

There can be two scenarios in this case. Either you and your ex left on good terms. Or you acted in a way that left a sour taste in her mouth about you.

In either case, it’s definitely a good idea to wipe the slate clean so you can make her feel comfortable speaking to you again.

I speak about this in my article on texting your ex-girlfriend again here. I call this the elephant in the room approach. You acknowledge the elephant in the room by stating everything that happened and apologize for it.

Basically, you address four main points when you contact her first.

• You apologize about anything that you did that came off as needy, desperate or manipulative.
• You acknowledge the fact that you weren’t your best self after the breakup.
• You acknowledge the fact that you have accepted the breakup.
• You give a small glimpse of whatever new is happening in your life.

There are three mediums you can use to do this.

1. A Hand-Written Letter
2. Text Messages
3. Email

Once you have contacted her using this method, it’s time to leave her alone for a while. At least for five days.

When you don’t contact her after sending her this text, it will prove to her that you are serious about accepting the breakup and are not just saying this to get her back.

Note: You can download my free report “5 Elephant In The Room Texts” by clicking here.

What if she replies?

There’s a good chance your ex will reply to you. If she does, you are free to talk to her. But don’t overdo it just yet. She still might have her defenses up and if you act desperate or needy in any way, it will confirm her doubts.

If she replies, you should speak to her but don’t try to rebuild attraction or make her laugh yet. Just end the conversation on a light note and make her feel good about it.

She still doesn’t want to talk to me. How Can I Make Her Start Talking To Me Again?

Well, if your ex is still angry at you, mad at you or hates you; it’s most likely because she is still hurt. (BTW, her being angry is actually a sign that she still loves you. So it’s not all bad news.)

She is still hurt because you did one of the two things.

• You contacted her too soon in an attempt to win her back fast. You didn’t give her enough time to heal.
• You contacted her the wrong way. She still thinks you are insensitive and you don’t understand her. You didn’t apologize for the things she expected you to apologize for.

If your ex is angry because you didn’t give her enough time after the breakup, then you should give her time before you can start talking to her and use the tactics in the next step to make her want you back.

But if your ex is mad at you because she expects a proper apology from you for something you did, then here are a few things you can do.

• Rethink the reasons for the breakup. Maybe she is expecting an apology about something you don’t understand.
• Use the Elephant in the room template to address the past and ask her to start talking again. (Click here to download the templates)
• Call her and ask her exactly what she is angry about. A lot of times, a phone call can help bring understanding in complicated situations.
• Give her some more space and time. Try again after a few weeks.

Recommended Reading – How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You Again.

3.2 Get Her to Smile or Laugh at Something You Said.

The best way to start is to try to get her to laugh or smile at something you said. If your ex girlfriend laughs or smiles at something you said, you can be sure that she has eased up around you and will give you a chance to rebuild attraction and connection.

Here’s are some ways to do this.

Use a Past Memory

Think of something that you both enjoyed. And use it to your advantage. This could be a TV show, a youtube channel, a videogame or a coffee shop.

Think something funny about it or think of something a pleasant memory. And then just text her about it. Here’s an example,

“Remember that burger place we used to frequent? Well, I just remembered how I once almost reached the hall of fame for finishing the super large burger when we were drunk and threw up all of it only minutes later. You made fun of me for hours. Good times.”

Think of a Joke

What’s funny and wants his ex girlfriend back?

The person reading this article.

Okay, that wasn’t my best joke. But I am sure you can do something better than that. More importantly, you probably know what tickles her funny bone. So, think of a joke that you think she will find funny and send it to her.

It’s important that you do this after she has replied to you at least once.

Should I Wait For Her To Reach Out To Me After No Contact?

No, you should not wait for your ex to reach out. It’s like waiting for the apple to fall from the tree. It may fall eventually. But wouldn’t it be better to just reach out and grab it?

If you are honest, confident and know what you want, then your ex will appreciate you reaching out to them. A lot of my readers and clients who take the initiative find out their ex girlfriend still had strong feelings for them.

It’s important to have the right mindset before you reach out though. Read: What To Do After No Contact Rule – 5 Essential Steps

Read: Should I wait for my ex? Why and For How Long?

4. Reconnect With Your Ex On an Emotional Level – The Climb of Connection

A deep connection is the difference between lovers who stay together forever and lovers who are together for only a short time.

If you can learn to develop a deep connection with the woman you love, you are going to etch yourself in her heart like no one else before you.

4.1 Increase Frequency and intensity of your interaction with her

You want to slowly increase the amount of time you and your ex girlfriend speak. Once you are able to make her smile or laugh, she should be open to hear more from you.

To do that, you must take initiative and start texting her more often.

However, you must not overdo it as overdoing it will make you look needy or desperate.

Here’s a sample timeline you can follow for this.

• Day 1: text her something funny. end the conversation shortly after that
• Day 2: Don’t text her
• Day 3: Don’t text her
• Day 4: Speak to her casually. Make the conversation a little longer than usual.
• Day 5: Text Her Casually about something you spoke on Day 4. Continue the conversation for 5 minutes and end it saying you have to go somewhere.
• Day 6: Don’t text her.
• Day 7: Don’t text her.
• Day 8: Ask her about her weekend. Talk about your weekend and something that happened.
• Day 9: Speak about your goals and passions. Encourage her to do the same.
• Day 10: Don’t text her until she texts first.
• Day 11: Talk to her for as long as you can. Don’t let the conversation get boring. If it does, end the conversation.
• Day 12: same as day 11
• Day 13: Same as day 11
• Day 14: Don’t text her until she texts first.
• Day 15: Don’t Text Her until she contacts you.
• Day 16: Same as Day 11
• Day 17: Start texting her and try to take the conversation to a phone call.

This is just a sample guideline and it doesn’t always apply to every situation.

For some guys, they feel an instant connection the first time they contact their ex girlfriend after no contact. If that’s the case with you, feel free to ask her out immediately.

But if she shows resistance or it feels like she still has her defenses up, then it makes sense to take things slow.

4.3 Understand Your Ex Girlfriend on a Deeper Level

If you want an absolutely amazing relationship with her, you must first make an effort to understand your ex girlfriend better than anyone else. Better yet, you need to understand her better than she understands herself.

If you can achieve that level, you can rest assured that your ex girlfriend will want to stay with you forever. If you follow the following tips, you will make your girl want you back in a matter of weeks.

Here are a few topics that you should speak about to make her feel understood and connected with you.

Understand her Life Goals

Talk about things she is passionate about. About the things she cares about. To get her to start talking about things that she cares about, you should start talking about the things that matter to you and you are passionate about.

You can also use creative questions to do this for you. Here’s an example of what to say,

“If you can change any thing about your professional life, what would it be?”

Your Ex GF: “Well, I would try to find a way to include dancing in it somehow. But I don’t think that’s possible considering I work in Marketing. lol”

You: “Yeah, you are an amazing dancer. I loved that show you did at the club house. Man, I wish I were that good. How did you become so good at it?”

Talk About Her Childhood

Our childhood is the deepest corner of our psyche that pretty much rules our adult life. Talking about your childhood and how it affected you is a great way to understand yourself and your ex girlfriend on a deeper level. Again, use creative questions for this. Here are a few examples of what to say,

“Were you closer to your father or your mother?”

or “I loved my granny house in the summer. It was an amazing family time for me. Did you have a place your family went to for summer vacations?”

Show Empathy When She Needs It

Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal when you are trying to re-connect with your ex girlfriend. Learning to show empathy and truly understand the person you are talking to can be a very useful life skill. If you are not sure how to be more empathetic, think of it as just being more curious and truly listening to what someone has to say.

Whenever you are speaking to your ex girlfriend and you feel like she wants to share something, truly listen to her. Be genuinely curious about what she has to say and what she is feeling. Ask questions you would ask someone when you are really trying to understand them. And most importantly, listen without any judgement or presumption. Listen without any anger, grudge, resentment or any other strong emotion. Instead, try to feel what she is feeling.

It can be hard not to judge when you are speaking to someone who you know so well (such as your ex). Especially when you are talking about a topic that involves you. This is why it’s important to think of empathy as a skill that you can practice and master. In Step 2 of this article, I spoke about working on your communication skills. While you are doing so, I highly recommend you practice showing empathy to friends, families, acquaintances or even strangers. The more you practice it, the better you will get at it.

Talk About Her Feelings for You and Your Past Relationship

Chances are, your ex still has feelings for you. She might also have some negative feelings about the breakup or the reasons that lead to the breakup. Getting her to talk about these things can work to your advantage if you do it right.

Even if she talks about something negative about you or your past relationship, you should not take it as a bad sign. If she is sharing something with you (even if it’s negative), it means that she is trying to convince herself to get back together.

It’s actually a good sign. You can prove to her that you have really changed by remaining calm. You show her that you can handle conflict and negative feelings like a pro. (Read: Signs your ex still loves you.)

But, it can also affect you badly if you are not prepared. This is why it’s important that you get your shit together as mentioned in in the previous steps of this guide.

4.4 How To Avoid Getting Friend-Zoned By Your Ex Girlfriend?

If you are in this stage, you risk ending up in the friend zone. This usually happens to guys who are too afraid to speak about difficult topics and try to stay in the safe zone.

In other words, this usually happens to guys who are too scared to lose her. Guys who are scared that the wrong move will make her stop talking to you. Who are scared that if you screw up, she will block you and never speak to you again.

If you look at it from another angle, this happens to guys who are still insecure at this stage and have no confidence.

Guys who have put their ex girlfriend on a pedestal and refuse to let her down.

If she feels that you are too timid and really want her in your life to feel good about yourself, she will keep you in her life, but as a friend.

She loved you and probably cares about you, but she will not get back with you out of pity. She will keep you as a friend and use you for emotional support though.

Have an equal relationship: If she uses you for emotional support, use her as emotional support. If she talks about her feelings, you should also spend enough time talking about your feelings. If she asks you to pick her up from the airport, ask her to do the same.

Don’t let her disrespect you or cross any boundaries: If she starts talking about how she is attracted to the guy in the gym, don’t give her advice on asking him out. Instead, set a boundary. Tell her that even though she has all the right to do what she wants, you still have feelings for her and you don’t want to speak about this. You are not her girlfriend and she can’t discuss these things with you. Yes, she might stop talking to you for a while, but she will respect you more for it and will probably start talking again when she misses the connection you both have.

Be Honest and Be Willing To Walk Away: Push come to shove, tell her that your intentions are to eventually get back in a relationship with her. Tell her that you don’t want to be just friends. That you want to be friends for now and eventually figure out if getting back together is a good idea. Tell her that she needs to respect your desires and not treat you as just a friend. And if she is not comfortable with that, be willing to walk away from her.

5. Ask Her To Get Back Together When The Time is Right – The Final Stage

Alright mates, this is the final boss. The moment you have been waiting for. Because when you meet her, you will have the ultimate opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how things will be different this time.

5.1 Asking Her Out on a second date

When you meet her, you should have just one goal in mind. To get her to agree to second date.

The first time you meet her, she will be testing the water.

Can I really have a fun time with him?

Has he really changed?

Is this all just a ruse to get me back in that same miserable relationship?

Is he going to pressure me into getting back together?

She is going to be skeptical about a lot of things. And for good reasons. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.

It’s your job to put her at ease. It’s your job to get her to enjoy her time with you.

Here are a few pointers –

Talking about the breakup and the relationship

If your first meeting ends up with both of you just talking about the breakup and your past relationship, it will look like that you are both meeting just to get closure.

Instead, you should use this time to talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. You should talk about the good times and good memories. And you should have a good time together and create good memories together.

But, it’s also important that you don’t try to avoid something serious that’s on her mind. If she wants to talk about something that happened during the breakup or your past relationship, you should be willing to talk about it.

You should be able to resolve the issue swiftly so you can get back to having a good time with her.

Don’t be afraid of negativity or arguments

A lot of time, guys try to avoid any difficult topics because they are scared their ex girlfriend will become upset and the date will go badly. In an effort to avoid making their ex girlfriend upset or starting an argument, they will just agree to her point of view even if they don’t.

This is how you get friend-zoned.

Instead, learn how to handle arguments and negativity in a conversation. Learn how to understand her without patronizing her. Learn how to be an adult in a difficult situation. If you are unsure how to do that, go back to Stage 3 and read the part about relationship skills.

Continue the date Further

If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. You should take the lead and ask her to join you for something else.

If you just finished coffee, ask her to accompany you to a pub nearby.

If you just finished shopping, ask her to have coffee and cake with you.

If you just finished dinner, ask her to catch a movie with you.

Use Kino and do intimate actions as Much as You Can

Kino is simply a term that is used to describe the art of touching. You want to have as much physical contact with you ex girlfriend as possible during this date.

This date is not just about what you tell her or say to her. It’s also about your body language and how comfortable you feel. By using kino in a natural way, you will show confidence and she will find herself attracted to you.

Hold her hand when you are crossing the street.

Touch her shoulders or arms when she says something funny.

You should also use intimate actions as much as you can. Actions that only couples do with each other. For example,

Use a tissue to wipe something off her face.

Ask her to taste your food and feed her from your spoon.

It’s very important that you are not making her uncomfortable. If it feels like she is not comfortable in any way, back off. If in doubt, ask for consent before touching her. Just say something like, “Is it okay if I hold your hand?” before doing it.

Don’t ask her out on a second date just yet.

Your job is to show her a great time and show her that you have changed and are well equipped for a healthy relationship. You don’t want to end the date with asking her on a second date. Instead, you want to let this experience linger in her mind for a while.

You want her to go home and think.

“That was great. I want to do it again.”

Hopefully, she will talk about doing it again herself. If she does, set up a date and time immediately.

If she doesn’t, wait a couple days and ask her out again.

5.2 Get Her To Agree To Give You Another Shot

If you have done everything right till now, it should be easy to get her to give you another shot. This is like the final boss fight in a very long video game.

Just like you would stock up on potions and ammo before a final boss fight, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking her to be your girlfriend again.

Let it be Her Idea

Ideally, you want it to be her idea to want to get back together. If you have done everything right till now, then your ex girlfriend probably wants you back already. In most cases, she will start talking about the idea of getting back together, about how your relationship will be if you get back together.

But if you and your ex girlfriend have been going on dates for a long time (at least a month), then you should take the plunge and ask her.

What to say to your ex girlfriend to get her back?

“Hey, I know our past relationship ended badly. And I am as skeptical about the future as you are. But spending the past few weeks with you have been very nice and I have a good feeling about this. Do you want to give us another try? Maybe take things slow, and see how it goes?”

Be Skeptical

Note, that you don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend again. You want to ask her to agree to take things slow.

You should be as skeptical about getting back together as she is. After all, you both broke up once. And you don’t want to end up in a heartbreak again. So, if you two decide to get back together, take things slow and analyze your new relationship before committing to it completely.

What To Talk About When Getting Back Together?

Whenever you are talking about getting back together, it’s important to discuss the reasons you both broke up in the first place and exactly what will change in the future. It’s not just about convincing her at this point. It’s also about you. Remember, you are getting back together. That means you both need to work to make this new relationship worthwhile.

Recommended Reading: How To Get Back Together With Your Ex And Stay Together?

Use EPB Basics E-course

Like I said before, you should stock up on attraction, connection and trust before asking your ex girlfriend to get back together with you. To do so, you should follow this article in its entirety.

I’ve designed the EBP Basics E-course to help you get through the second step of this article. It will send you an email everyday for the next 30 days to help you become a better version of yourself. You can subscribe by taking this quiz.

What To Do After Getting Back Together To Keep Her For Good?

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

Keep working on improving the connection

Just because you have her doesn’t mean you should stop working on the connection you have with her.

Romantic connection is like a plant. If you don’t water it for a week, it will wither but survive. If you don’t water it for a month, it will lose its shine, look terrible, but still be alive.

But if you neglect it for several months, it will die.

Keep working on your confidence individually

Having someone love you is a great confidence booster. But if you are just depending on your girlfriend for validity, approval and love; she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

This is why it’s important that you keep working on your self-esteem and your confidence even after you get her back. Read Stage 2 of this guide to understand how to do that.

Avoid Repeating The Same Patterns That Lead To The Breakup

One of the reasons most couples breakup after getting back together is because they repeat the same relationship or communication patterns that lead to the first breakup. It’s important that you keep a look out for those patterns and try your best not to repeat them.

Recommended Reading: Why Couples Breakup After Getting Back Together?

Be honest and communicate well

Honesty and good communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you learn how to be honest and communicate effectively in your relationship, then every time you both have an argument, it will just bring you both closer. Yes, you will get closer every time you have a disagreement.

So, learn the skills needed for that. (Again, join the EBP Basics E-course for that).

Be Willing To Walk Away If She Is Not The Right Person For You

Just because you got back together does not mean you have to stay in an unhealthy relationship. If you feel the relationship is not working out for whatever reason, don’t be afraid to walk away. If you worked on your self-esteem and self-confidence while you were broken up, you should respect that and not stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Conclusion:

This article is long. If you have read it so far, I commend you for your dedication. It means you are truly serious about getting her back and keeping her. But remember, getting her back does not really define your self-worth and is not the only way to be happy again. Even if you don’t get her back, you are going to be okay. Remember, there are alternate endings to video games and sometimes, these alternate endings are better than the original endings.

If you don’t get her back, you are still going to be okay. Because if you follow the advice in this article, you are going to become a better man. You are going to be stronger, wiser and healthier. And your next relationship (even if it is not with your ex) is going to be pretty amazing.

This article covers a lot. But there is still quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

The experience I’ve had by helping thousands of people over the past thirteen years is second to none. If you are serious about getting your ex back, then I want you to take advantage of my experience by subscribing to my EBP Basics E-course.

I share a lot more insights in my free e-course that is designed to help you get through the no contact period and teaches you how to effectively get your girl back after a breakup.

But before you can subscribe, you need to take a quiz to qualify. This quiz is designed to help you find out your chances of getting your ex back and for me to find out if you can qualify for the EBP Basics e-course. You will only be allowed to subscribe if you have more than 10% chance of getting your ex back.

Click Here To Take The Quiz and Qualify For EBP Basics E-course

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